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jdestamtiunm
J.DESTAMTIUNM
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From a young age we always have two choices. You either like pink or you like blue. You can wear dresses everyday or you can wear jeans every day. You play with Barbies Dolls or you play with toy trucks. You either like pink and purple or you like blue and green. All of your life you have to choose between two things and some times you can't even choose. Where here is the thing, it is about time society changes.
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Journal Entry
December 14,2017
Okay so most of you probably don’t care at all but for me to type this it takes all of my bravery. My birth name is Kaylee Alana May Campbell but I am not Kaylee. My name is Ezra William Campbell. I am gender fluid and most of you may not even know what that means. It means that I am not transgender or cisgender either. I am some where in that hell in the middle and you have no idea how proud I am.
I grew up in a very Christian home and went to bible study every Sunday and Wensday. So growing up thinking that if I was myself would get me sent to Hell was scary and made me hate myself. Let me tell you that is bull crap. I still believe in God but I don’t think he hates me.
Even though I am putting this on the internet this scares me. Not because of what other people that I have never met or don’t even know will think but my own parents. Growing up my mom always said things like “No child of mine will ever be gay.” It’s not really her fault that she said theses things and hurt me so bad because he didn’t know. I love my mom more then anyone and it scares me to think that by being who I want to be could lead to me losing her.
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Have you ever heard the quote “Every person has one sentence that could destroy them.” ? I have and it speaks deep words to me. In my point of view it is very true. I myself have a sentence that most people would love to hear. “I love you” is the sentence that would kill me and destroy me. Now it would not have to be just from one person. For it to truly destroy me it would have to be from Will. If you are wondering who Will is just read some of my past post.
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Has anyone else never like one specific sport? I all my life softball and dancing have been my life. Basketball never got my attention. For some reason this past week I have loved the game. One Tuesday we started to play in gym and my smile was so real. At first I was kind of scared because none of the other stuff we have done in gym I have been good at. For some reason with this game I gave it everything in me. Today at the end of the game my team had 40 and the other had 2. I made 36 points for my team. Maybe it was just because I was a ball hog or maybe I worked really well with my team.
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Okay, most of the time well pretty much all of the time I don’t get caught up on guys or girls, like ever. This time it is different. I just can not seem to get over Will. For me getting over Gabe, Andrew, Corissa, Jessica, and Jennifer was so easy. Even with crushes that I have had it was easy for me to get over them. Not Will though!!! Why not him? It’s not like he is really any different from the rest of people I liked or dated. For some reason I just can’t get over him. Ugh.
Why is it him that I can’t get over? Ugh. For me he is like some kind of drug. Yah, I know that everyone uses that to describe love even more so for teenagers, but that is all that really fits the part. Honestly maybe being addicted to drugs would be better. At least if it was drugs I would know they would always be there for me. The funny thing is if I texted will he would reply back quick, even quicker after we broke up.
He texted me the other night saying he didn’t really have anyone to talk too and needed someone. Of course me being so stupid and love sick I was there for him. After a while of talking and he started to feel better or at least I think so he said “Alayna I might still like you, but not really sure. For me to be really sure or 100% sure we need to hang out.”
All I said was “Will don’t. Please don’t do this to me.”
It’s not like Will doesn’t know that I still have for feelings for him, he knows very damn well. Shit my bitch ass even told him straight up that I still had feelings for him. We have gym together and I hate that class because of it. Well if Will wasn’t in my gym class I probably hate gym even more but I’m not really sure. It’s just when ever I get sick or start to cry because of anger or sadness or whatever I can tell he cares. He even texted me one day after gym or the next day and wanted to know if I was really okay and that he wanted to help when ever I fainted in gym after throwing up blood and shit, but he figured that if he did I would get mad and didn’t want him to hell. He has never been so fucking wrong when it came to me. Sadly it would have made me so happy if he would have even helped me up.
This boy means so much to me that it makes me sick really, really fucking sick. My friend Haylee texted me a picture of Will on Instagram to be funny meaning no harm and it gave me a full anxiety attack. I had a fucking anxiety attack over a stupid picture. All it was, was a picture and it made me start balling my eyes out, my heart start running 5,000 miles an hour, my stomach went into knots, and everything felt like hell. I have had way worse anxiety attacks then that but no for a while. It would be easy to say the last anxiety attack that I had that was worse then that one was in June, not it is December and I say that picture in November.
If anyone reading this knows any way to get over someone please tell me. I am honestly willing to try almost anything. It is killing me to live with this feeling and having these feeling for this kid. I don’t want to say the word love because hello I am like five years old. Being so young people say that I have no idea what it is like to love someone but lowkey I think that maybe just maybe I do love him. Even if I would hate to admit that maybe it would hate me if I did.
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Does anyone feel sick when they not really sick? You don’t have a stomach ace but you feel a pit in your stomach. Nothing is really wrong but you are sick. Like for some reason everything feels sick and you don’t really know what to do. You just feel wrong and just can not get comfortable, for some reason. It’s just you can’t really find anything you are into. You can’t find a book, you can’t really get into a movie, you can’t enjoy a t.v show even if usually love it. It’s like you are to ill so sleep but staying awake is making you feel worse. It’s like you can’t eat anything cause you will really get sick but you are starving. It is just crazy because you don’t even know what you want. All you really know is that what ever you are doing is not it.
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so true it scares me
why didnt you call the cops or cps?
how about this: when i was 9 and my stepdad beat me until i passed out and i told my friends at school, my teacher over heard and i was interviewed by cps. they also went to my house when i was at school. when i got home, my step father was waiting on the couch, and told me who visited him that day. he told me if i ever snitched again he would beat me to within an inch of my life.
how about this: my mother locked me out of the house when i was 14 and when i cried so loud the neighbors called the cops, the cop told me i should have been respectful of my mother who was trying to sleep.
how about this. the demon you know is less scary than the demon you don’t.
children in abused households are raised to fear the idea of being taken away. children in abusive households see that help makes things worse.
dont you ever blame an abuse victim for not going to the authorities.
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Rape
Lawyer: Do you know for a fact that this man raped this women?
Witness: Yes, she was drunk though.
Lawyer: I did not ask if she was intoxicated. Did she rape her?
Witness: Well yes, but she was wearing very little clothing.
Lawyer: That is not what I asked. Did he rape her?
Witness: Yes, but
Lawyer: All you have to say is yes or no.
Witness: He raped her, yes.
____________________________________________________
Lawyer: Did this man rape you?
Victim: Yes.
____________________________________________________
Lawyer: Did you rape this women?
Rapist: She was drunk and never said no.
Lawyer: Okay. Did she ever say yes?
Rapist: No, but she was drunk and almost naked.
Lawyer: You still forced yourself on her?
Rapist: Yes, but
Lawyer: Then you raped her.
Judge: guilty
...........................................................
This is how all rape trials should go. Rape is never because of how someone is dressed or if they are drunk. Never the victims fault. Rape is rape no matter the context.
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Vasovagal Syncope
Most of you reading this either have Vasovagal Syncope or have no idea what it is. I am one of the people who have it. It may not be a big deal but it is still a condition that is annoying and no fun to have. If you are one of the people that have no idea what I am talking about you may know it under the name Reflex Syncope. If you still have no idea what I am talking about just keep reading.
Vasovagal Syncope or Reflex Syncope occurs in healthy people who do not have an increase chance at heart disease. Really the worst thing about this disease is that it has no warning most of the time. In short words it can be summed up into the word fainting, but there is so much more to it.
Sometimes there is a cause and that would be high stress situation. For an example it would be things like: a big crowd of people, hearing a gun shot, seeing a wound, high amounts of bleeding, or turbulence on a plane. That is not always the case. For me fainting happens out of no where.
When fainting happens the persons blood pressure or their heart rate sometimes both goes down at a fast rate for on temporary time. Before fainting happens the person may become dizzy, become really weak, or lose control of muscles or have blurred vison. I know I'm my experience I get light headed but my vision stays the same.
After a fainting episode happens a person may become pale, rapid changes in temperature either spiking high or dropping low, be really flushed and warm faced, or feel sweaty. It is more common in girls but only slightly. 3.5% of females have Vasovagal and 3% of males have it.
Sights I used:
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/vasovagal-syncope/symptoms-causes/syc-20350527
http://symptoms.tips/vasovagal-syncope-meaning-symptoms-causes-and-ways-to-diagnose/?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=vasovagal-syncope
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Journal Entry
Day 4
December 1, 2017
Happy Christmas month!!! If you don’t celebrate Christmas then Happy December!!!. I am really, really exited for Christmas to finally be back and have already started my Christmas theme on both of my Instagram pages. @aye.it.babygirl and @mercybabygirl . Feel free to follow to learn more and see even more of me.
So today after years of wondering I finally found out part of what is wrong with me, well with my head and fainting issues at least. I have a condition called Vasovagal Syncope. It is not a real big deal but it just feels good to know after so many years what is wrong. Later on today or maybe even tomorrow I am going to write a few post or one extra long post about what that is and stuff like that, just so my followers know.
Yesterday after school when I got in my moms car she threatened to pull me back out of school because of how sick I am. Most kids would be jumping for joy at the idea of missing a lot of school and then passing the grade anyway, but not me. In sixth grade for half of the year I was in home schooling. There were a lot of good parts to it. For example instead of doing work on a five day scale I would stay up till 2 in the morning so pumped up on caffeine that it is a shock I survived due to my very small size, well my very small size at the time. The other good part was that for the rest of the four days where I did not have any work left all there was for me to do was sleep, eat, and mess around on social media. After a while that got old. At my old school I had no friends now at the school. Now at the school I go to my squad is huge. There is Page, Haighly, Charlie, Aricelie, Isis, Dylan, Seriisa, and god so many more. I don’t really want to only see them every month if even that often. I don’t want to spend what are meant to be the best years of my life at home. I only get one chance to be a teen and you better be sure as hell that I am going to make it the best possible.
I am going to eat so much that it is almost impossible for me to walk then I am going to spend hours working out until my lips are turning blue burning off all of the calories. I am going to stay up late on a school night texting some people who in ten years will mean nothing to me. I am going to waist all of my money on a basketball game for some high school game. I am going to scream my heart out at all of the games that I plan on going to with random people. I am going to kiss boys and girls who won’t a matter a thing to me a week later. I am going to tell people who honestly probably mean nothing to me that I love them.
That is pretty much it for now. I will be back in a few days with a journal entry and in a few hours with something random.
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Journal Entry
November 28, 2017
Day 3
[I know who I love]
Hey, what’s going on hoes? Okay so, yes, I know the title says that after a while I figured out who I love, and that is not really true but it is not a full lie. Today in math I realized that I just want to like Jassiel but I don’t really. I have a feeling it is not the same way with Will and Dylan. I have cried to many tear over Will for my feelings not to be real. I get way to happy when Dylan hugs me or does something along those lines for my feelings not be real.
I can feel myself not wanting Will as much as when we first met or when we first broke up but I know that if he were to text me that I would text him back faster then I would text anyone else. Is that bad? Is that sad? Oh well if probably both.
Now moving on from the boys for a second. This time I am not going to mention the real name because it is not my information to share and this is kind of a big deal. She texted me a while back letting me know she had sex, which was not a big deal until she said the guy came inside of her. My friend who I am going to call Savanah has had Mono for the past four weeks and has missed school. When I saw her this morning she told me she has been vomiting in the mornings for about three days. I think it is too early for it to be morning sickness since it has only been about a week since she had sex. Of course Savannah is freaking out of course. Why would a 13 year old girl who has any chance of being pregnant, not be scared?
Leave it to Savanah to look on the good side of things. She was saying that if she is knocked up at least she will find out who her real friends are. I am one of her real friends and I am going to be right by her side the whole time. She should not have to go through this alone and I am going to make sure that she don’t.
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Kids will be kids
I am so tired. The statement “kids will be kids” is very true but not in the way a lot of kids think it is. People who think they are mature enough to be parents you think they would already know this instead of having a 13 year old girl tell them this stuff, anyways here we go.
A kid takes a full tube of tooth paste and flushes it down the toilet. A kid finds a pair of “big girl scissors” and cuts all of their hair off. A kid goes through their big sisters or brothers dresser and finds a nice lipstick and puts it all over your dog. A pre-teen kid cries in their room because the guy or girl they like does not like them back. Your pre-teen punching a pillow when they get mad.
A teen making race, gender, or sexuality jokes. A kid stealing things from another kid or won’t let another kid play in an area. A pre-teen punches the kid they like because the feelings do not match up.
You should know the difference between these things. The first paragraph or list is a true definition or example of “kids will be kids”. The second paragraph is an example of not giving your kid discipline. Almost anyone reading this should already know this because I am only 13 years old and have known this for years now.
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Journal entry #2
November 27, 2017
Hey, so what up. Honestly my entry for today is probably going to be a little strange. Well when is something I post not strange? So today I think is the first day since me and my ex broke up that I am starting to move on. It is about time if I am going to be honest, we broke up over a month ago, sometime in October. I felt as if there was no way for me to even start to get over him, even now I am not fully sure how long it will take to get fully over him. All that is for sure is that it will be awhile.
The problem with me starting to get over Will is that I am starting to fall for someone else or maybe even two people. I am not even sure if it is possible for me to like two people, well I guess three people. Is that even okay? Is that even possible? Ugh let me know in the comments. The strange this is none of these guys are anything alike.
Will is a while, skinny, emo kid who is kind of a bad boy but not really bad and is really easy to read with his emotions and seems to love to lie. He comes from a family with a decent amount of money. Jassiel is a bulky kind of Mexican kid, he is a lot more muscular built and the others, and hides his emotions a lot more. Dylan is adorable and is Mexican and black. He id kind of a mix of Will and Jessiel. Dylan or as I call him Dildo is a emo kind who can’t hide his emotions but some how is the nicest person you will ever meet but has no sypothy unless you are close with him. I am not even sure if I Dylan or just want to like him.
I do not even know what to do, sooo. It always helps me to get to rant.
~forever and always Alana May
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Except from the book I will never write #2
Even if we never called it our song we both know that it is. When we were together it would play and we would sing at the top of our lungs. When we were not together when it played I would think of you. It had been months since I heard that song play and I didn’t think of you either, not like the past. Then on the way home from school one day I heard the melody even before the words started and tears started to fall. You ruined my favorite song for me. Now every time the song comes on it does not bring joy it makes me cry like none other.
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Conversation
Except from the book I will never write #1
Mercy: It is not jealousy that made it hard for me to move. It was not jealousy that took all my air out of my lungs.
Will: Then what is it? You blame me for hurting you with being with her but your not jealous.
Mercy: Fear. I am scare. I am not scared of you or her or you loving her. I am scared she is going to hurt you. I am scared that she is going to crush your heart. I am scared she is going to break your heart just like she did many times. The idea you are going to get hurt and broken and bruised and burned. I am scared she is going to do to you what you did to me.
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Aliens scared up us ???
Why do we assume aliens are scary? I mean how do we know that we are not the scary ones? What if an alien loses aa limb they die? Us humans can live a whole life with only on leg or only one arm or no legs or no arms. All we know is aliens are real, and not even anyone believes that much. Before we get so creeped out that if we ever came in contacted with people from another world we for sure would be kill, can we think. Can we stop and think how strong how us humans are? Do you think that aliens are really so much stronger then us? Even if they are humans are bad ass. Forget how we say mice are more scared of us then we are of them? God, how do we not know aliens are more scared of us then we are of them? How do you know that water would not be harmful to them? I don’t think we know enough about creatures from space to be able to say they are scary.
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These three people are my favorite just being honest. lol
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