#(i don’t even reciprocate the meme sending i just have a couple friends who like to send things to me that they enjoy so i may also enjoy)

[abrushwithdeath]

((Hello, friends ♥️ I am having an exceptionally bad bout of anxiety this evening. It kind of hit me out of nowhere at work and has just... stuck around all night. That said, I just want to explain something about myself because I worry about how I come across sometimes:

(“tl;dr” at the bottom because I write too much ^^;)

Sometimes I have good days! On days like that, I won’t hesitate to send asks or reply to threads! I might even like starter calls or send messages! I like to interact and I get excited about threads and plots and asks and headcanons and all of it, and I really appreciate everyone who writes with me so very much, whether we write together a lot or a little, even if we’ve only interacted once or twice, even if we’ve only talked about interacting but never have. I really, from the bottom of my heart, love and appreciate you all ♥️

With that said, generally speaking, I am a very timid and anxious person and stress myself out a lot about silly little things, especially in social situations- like if it’s okay to reply to a thread (even if we’re already 10+ replies into it) or send an ask or like a starter call (even if I’ve done so in the past). Not because of anything any of you have done but because I have avpd (and bpd which is a killer combo lmao) and it talks me out of approaching people, even if we've written together before or are currently writing together. Even if we’ve never had any negative interactions. Even if you talk to me every day.  It doesn't take much for it to act up enough that I can't appropriately cope with it and remind myself that it's okay to reach out and that not having threads / asks / messages answered or someone not wanting to write with me isn't the be-all-end-all of my time in the rpc. Rationally, I also realize that someone not replying to a couple asks or dropping threads (I'm VERY guilty of doing both of those things, especially on my multi where muse and mood fluctuate like crazy) doesn't necessarily mean anything against me and I don't take it personally because I know I shouldn’t! Sometimes people aren't feeling something or just don't have a good response in mind and that's 10000000000% okay!!! But sometimes, even though there’s no reason for it (like right now), there's a lil voice in my head that starts to inform me that I'm being a nuisance, an annoyance, and that I need to just... Stay in my corner and speak only when spoken to, so to say. Sometimes I can shut it up easily because I understand that I’m probably being irrational, but in most situations it wins out and I end up not sending memes or liking starter calls or even answering back to some messages or threads because I have convinced myself that people are just too polite to shut me down and I should be the one to step away so as not to bother them any further. This happens even with people I've been writing with for months! Hell, it's even, in the past, happened with people I have written with for YEARS! I just avoid situations where I feel like there's even a minor chance that I won't be accepted and end up keeping to myself to avoid the possibility of bad feelings. The same happens sometimes when I feel like excitement about a thread or something isn’t reciprocated. It may not be intentional on your part and I may be reading the situation wrong entirely, but sometimes I read a reply and think to myself “They’re not enjoying this. How can I make them enjoy this? What did I do wrong? Do they not like me? Are they bored of me? Are they bored of my muse? What did I do? How can I change? What can I do to make them happy to write with me and this character that I love again?”

That said- I'm not asking anyone to do anything about it or to do anything differently, don't worry about that! You're all amazing and I love you all very much! It's a personal issue (and a personal failing, to a degree) and it's something I just kind of live with and have lived with for most of my life.

I just wanted it to be known because sometimes I kind of... Step away from people and stop sending things or stop talking to them ooc or pass by starter calls / plotting calls / meme calls even if I’m obviously active, and I just really want you all to know that it's nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I love writing with you. I love your muses. I love talking to you. I just get scared and upset very easily and it can come across as me not being invested in what’s already being written or not being interested in starting anything new when it's quite the opposite, really. I just have a way of telling myself “Yes, they are your mutual, but no that thing isn’t for you, it’s for everyone else!” and then I answer myself with “Yeah, that makes sense. Better not bother them or they’ll think I’m being annoying” and then I stop sending asks or stop liking posts or stop responding as often ooc or even stop replying to threads because I just kind of tell myself I’m not allowed to ^^;

Anyway- I’m not going to be on tonight because I need to get to sleep soon for work tomorrow, but I’ll try to be around a little bit tomorrow evening if I’m feeling better :)  If you’ve bothered reading this far, thank you! You really didn’t have to! I just ramble when I’m trying to explain things because I want to be sure I’ve gotten my point across as thoroughly as possible!  If you didn’t read this far (or at all), still thank you for just existing! ♥️ 

tl;dr: I love you and I hope you’re doing well! And I’m sorry that I sometimes start to pull away from people. It’s not your fault in the slightest and I do still want to talk to you and interact with you, I just have a habit of convincing myself that people don’t actually like me and then I hide like a lil turtle bc I’m afraid to annoy you ^^; ))

#cw mental health #cw long post #mental health cw #long post cw #ooc. #long post #((I dunno how to tag this. I'm tired ^^;)) #((I just wanted to clarify some things bc I feel guilty about how shit I am at literally everything lmao)) #((Anyway- goodnight! I'll delete this in the morning if I remember to :) ))

[sakebytheriver]

Hi, idk who to talk to because I feel kind of ashamed for being so insecure. So that’s why I thought I could ask you for advice? I hope that’s okay?

I’ve struggled with social anxiety for a year now. It’s been really hard to make friends even though I really want to. So when a childhood friend texted me out of the blue and asked me to grab coffee with her I was really happy. I didn’t see her in such a long time and I thought maybe this would be a good opportunity for me to reconnect with people I care for even though we’re not close anymore. I don’t know her like that anymore, we were close when we were like 6. We did meet up and it was lovely. Ofc it wasn’t easy for me I was so anxious before. But as soon as we started talking it was so lovely and I really enjoyed it. After we met up I texted her that I really enjoyed it and wrote something along the lines of ‘just text me if you have time & would like to grab some coffee again’. She texted back that she enjoyed it too & that she could see herself wanting to grab some coffee again soon & that I should text her when I want to meet up. This all sounds pretty normal and you’re probably wondering what my problem is hah. It’s just that because of my social anxiety I really struggle with taking initiative. I’d like to see her but I keep overthinking that maybe ‘soon’ means a couple of months to her or maybe she was just being polite. And that I’ll come across as clingy or romantically interested (which I’m not, I just really noticed that I enjoy being around her which is rare because of my anxieties). I’m not sure what she expects or wants out of this ‘reconnecting’, maybe a new friendship or maybe she only wanted to see me this one time? I’m overthinking it and that’s also why I’m too ashamed to talk to anybody irl about it. Maybe I’m just confused about her randomly reaching out. And maybe I should just stop asking myself what she wants or thinks and do what I want? How would you go about this?

Well, I mean first of all you're not alone in those feelings of anxiety I know people who get those feelings about people they've known for years upon years and whom they know they have a great relationship with they'll still be worried about coming off too clingy or bothering them too much, I know people with social anxiety so bad they start to have those questions about their own significant other 😭

Being nervous while making new friends is always going to come with the territory and I'm sure it's also being hightened by the fact that from what you've said it seems like you're not used to going out or talking to too many people in general so your brain's not used to these particular situations and in turn makes the feelings even worse because of how unfamiliar they are. It's like a muscle you have to work it in order to notice any different results

I think you're definitely overthinking this and I think you also know that you're overthinking this so I'm not gonna needle the point home or anything 😂😂 but if you're asking what I would do my answer is honestly super simple, just start sending her memes

It's one of the easiest ways to check in where a relationship is at without actually having to say anything. You send her a meme or a video or whatever and it shows you took the time to think about what would be funny to her or you thought about her enough to pass the meme along and then if she reciprocates and sends a meme back then it shows that she took the time to think about what you would find funny and reciprocate your own gesture of reaching out

It's very basic and it's the simplest plan in the book, but my advice is just pass memes back and forth for a couple weeks, if she matches your energy sending back her own memes and videos then reach out and ask about getting coffee again. Put some space between you and the initial hangout with some funny memes and haha jokes passed back and forth for a few days build the more surface level getting each other to laugh relationship over text so you can save the more meaningful stuff for in person and eventually the relationship will hopefully evolve from there and you won't have to worry about playing some kind of social mental math game just to figure out how to talk to this person and you'll just be able to act on your own instincts and experiences through your friendship with this person

#ignore me #anon #anonymous #message #answered #advice #personal

[esleep]

i’m sensing a very big movement of young people away from the “big” social media (it’s already happening with fb and to some extent with twitter, and i think instagram is next) and that makes me so happy. good for them

#i’ve been off instagram #for quite some time and really loving life ever since #(by which i mean ‘still technically accessible to the two people who regularly dm me memes but never looking at my feed or posting anything) #(i don’t even reciprocate the meme sending i just have a couple friends who like to send things to me that they enjoy so i may also enjoy) #(like personal content curators) #and from talking to some younger folks (friends of my cousin who i was visiting) it sounds like that’s becoming more common #group chats are coming back into vogue as The way for people to talk #and discord servers which is basically just a group chat with bonus features #which honestly. is better. #i would rather have a real conversation with 5 people i like talking to #vs have 30 fake hey-girlie small talk replies on a photo of someone’s breakfast #instagram in particular has really rubbed me the wrong way for YEARS and i hope i’m correct in seeing that future gens are dropping it

[peaches-writes]

how to appease your asian aunties ch. 1 - christmas

description: in the immortal words of wine aunts and aunts you’re not even related to but forced to call your aunt at gatherings, ‘do you have a boyfriend?’ member: jisung / han genre: fluff, fake dating au, implied rich kids au, eventual childhood / best friends to lovers au, college au, implied fem reader (but i still used they/them pronouns) word count: 7.5k chapter warning: food, drinking, explicit language, one comment about weight note: insp by a twt meme + this is my first attempt at making a story with parents having a bigger role in them omg

ch. 2 // ch. 3 // series masterlist

Though you’re a semester away from graduating college, with your own circles of friends, clubmates, and close classmates, you still can’t understand why your mom and her sorority batchmates feel the need to have reunion parties every single year. Maybe it’s the product of growing connectivity in this modern age or just simply your wide age gap preventing you from having the same nostalgic feelings attending these dinners; nevertheless, ever since your mom started bringing you to these parties to socialize with her friends’ children when you were four, you've always personally found it a bit troublesome. 

They see each other at mall sales, weekend brunches, weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries all the time—a lot of them even work closely with each other. For as long as you can remember, you can’t help but endlessly wonder in this time of year: will they ever get tired of each other?

As you adjust your coat over your semi-formal attire for this year’s dinner party, you sigh in front of the full-length mirror by your house’s front doors and mentally conclude that they probably never will. This is your 19th reunion dinner now and even from meters away in the kitchen, you can hear your mom fuss to your dad and the helpers either worriedly about the desserts that everyone in the house (and your nearest restaurant branch) was forced to bake two nights ago; or excitedly about seeing her college best friend, Mrs. Hwang, even if they literally just dragged their respective families to the monthly brunch last weekend—like she always does minutes before you leave. She always sounds like a crazed woman but you know deep inside that she’s excited to see her friends again and reminisce about the same old college memories you’ve even memorized by heart now.

It’s cute and all, maybe you’ll even end up the same in a decade or so but you swear at present on the dinner menu tonight that the more you spend your first day of Christmas break attending these dinners, the more you’ll slowly lose your mind over this unofficial holiday tradition: from your mom’s dramatic ramblings at the start of the night to the prospect of spending the rest of the evening laughing off your unofficial aunts and godmothers’ unnecessary backhanded comments and trying not to get caught in the trouble the younger children make.

It really just isn’t exactly your type of scene. It’s like family Christmas parties but with more passive-aggressive internalized drama since you’re not related to any of the guests by blood.

“Y/N, dear, come along now, we’re running late!” Your mom scolds you as she approaches your direction to the double doors, carrying cupcake caddies and cake boxes with your dad and your six house helpers. She’s wearing the dress you helped pick out last month, you observe, which is another tradition of hers. Rich people and not wanting to be seen wearing the same clothes twice, you guess. “Oh dear, I need to fix my hair in the car!”

You take one last look at yourself in the mirror before sprinting to the doors and helping your dad open them. You also take a couple of boxes from one of the helpers as you all pile outside, letting everyone pass through before closing the doors behind you. 

The nine of you then head to your dad’s Ford you parked outside the house gates earlier this afternoon, loading the everything in the back of the car without much difficulty before parting ways with the helpers for tonight with the same house instructions from your mom to not wait up for the three of you.

“Bye!” Your mom waves at your helpers through the rolled down windows on the front passenger seat as your dad begins to drive away from the house. 

Once your house begins growing smaller in the distance behind you, only then does your mom attend to her hair while your dad closes all the windows and locks the doors.

You, on the other hand, lean back in your own seat, taking out your phone to pass the ten minutes travel time to one of your godmothers, Mrs. Kim’s house in the adjacent subdivision.

“Y/M/N! Y/F/N! Welcome!” Mrs. Kim greets you at her house gates with her own mini army of house helpers, kindly helping you and your parents unload your party contributions and transfer them inside her recently renovated kitchen. “Oh, Y/N! Look at you, you look so beautiful tonight!”

You smile politely through the wave of compliments and ‘oh you gained a bit of weight’ comments that follow as you try your best to not to trip over the slippery marble steps leading to the house. Contrary to what your mom has been worrying about earlier at home, you eventually discover that you’re fairly early to the party for the 19th year in a row with only half of the families already in attendance to greet you when you entered the house.

“Y/N, all the teenagers are upstairs on the second floor, by the way.” Mrs. Kim informs you once your cupcakes have been neatly organized in the caddies at the very end of the buffet table, making you cringe internally at her preferred term for you and the other older kids in the house. “Dinner is at 7:30.”

“Thank you, auntie.” You smile one last time at her before excusing yourself to go upstairs, sighing internally in relief that her son, Seungmin, has smartly gathered everyone upstairs for the third year in a row to avoid the aunts and uncles for as much as possible.

You’re not completely fond of the parties, sure, but you can’t deny that there are little parts that have unconsciously grown on you—like your unlikely band of childhood friends and your shared hatred for this particular party.

Climbing up the slippery staircase as fast as you can with a death grip on the railings, you reach the second floor in no time to be greeted by six out of the eight people you’ve sort of grown up with in these parties occupying the common area: Felix and Hyunjin having a Wii dance battle in front of the television, Seungmin and Minho having a violent game of UNO on the coffee table, and Ryujin and Yeji scrolling through their phones on the sofa before abandoning them to approach you at noticing your presence by the staircase.

“Y/N!” Ryujin calls you in as she reaches you first for a brief hug and a short exchange of compliments on each other’s outfits, as if you didn’t just meet at one of your shared class’ Christmas parties yesterday. Though all of you attend the same university, you see Ryujin the most since you’re in the same college, just in different departments. “So nice to see you again!”

“Yeah, yeah, hello to you too again.” You chuckle, more genuinely now in the company of party guests you’re actually comfortable with, before waving hello at Yeji who trails behind. 

Yeji then naturally hugs you next, pulling you a few steps away from the staircase so the two of you don’t topple over when she leans her weight on you. “Y/N, took you long enough!” She says next to your ear. “Hyunjin and I were starting to make bets if the aunties suddenly trapped you downstairs like Chan and Miyoung.”

You hug her back with equal force, a little more than you did with Ryujin, pulling away after to playfully slap her arm for the teasing comment. “I’d sell my arm first before I let that happen.” You retort as the two of you laugh. “I just helped set up desserts—mom made us do an extra two boxes of brownies and cookies this year so you better get a lot later!” 

“Of course, but only if you eat a lot of the spaghetti my mom made!” She reminds, kindly fixing your hair for you. “I missed you! You look so pretty tonight!”

Behind the two girls, the boys also greet you in scattered casual ‘hi’s and ‘hello’s before going back to their own activities. You greet them back as they acknowledge you (and even reciprocate Felix’s long-distance high five mid-dance), crossing off everyone’s names in your mental attendance list as your gaze wanders around the room.

Since Chan is busy being a grown-up and showing off his fiance downstairs, you conclude that only one person is missing among your eight friends.

“Ya, Han Jisung!” As if on cue, the missing eighth person in your list emerges from the staircase behind you as Minho calls his name. “Welcome back!” 

Jisung greets everyone back in their second wave of scattered greetings as he walks to Minho and Seungmin’s direction, purposely acknowledging you last by suddenly turning around and walking backwards to send a wave and wink your way. He almost trips over the long ruffles of the big accent carpet as he does this, making you, Yeji, and Ryujin laugh as the only witnesses.

“Oh my God.” You place a hand to your forehead in secondhand embarrassment, stifling your laughs as your best friend regains his balance and looks behind him in case anyone else saw (which, unfortunately for you, they didn’t). You can’t believe that despite missing last year’s party because of his study abroad program’s strict schedule, he still manages to do his ritual clumsy carpet accident somehow. “This dumbass, I swear.”

In front of you, Jisung only laughs it off as well. “You didn’t see that!” He adjusts his coat with one hand and scratches the nape of his neck with the other in between laughs, walking forward to you properly after with his arms extended for a hug. “Stop laughing and come here, ugly. I missed you.” 

You feign a scowl but hug him back anyway, Yeji and Ryujin slyly stepping away with knowing smiles that only you can see with Jisung’s eyes turned away. You stick your tongue out at the two girls as they abandon you and walk back to the sofa before slapping Jisung’s back harshly for the familiar insult. “Speak for yourself, you ugly. I missed you too.” You reply to his latter comment with an amused chuckle of your own. “How are you?”

“Better now that I’m seeing you in person again.” He pulls away after with his signature flirty smirk, visibly eyeing you up and down now while his hands are still on your upper arms. Though he knows such gesture irks you, especially when it comes to the aunts and uncles downstairs, Jisung is the only one among your friends confident enough to tease you this way. Knowing each other a bit longer than everyone else has its perks, he’s come to realize over the years. “Look at you, all dressed up tonight. For me?” 

“Of course I’m all dressed up tonight, it’s Chan’s engagement announcement later.” You retort, swatting his hand away to adjust your now wrinkled clothes. “You’ve known me for twenty years, already; I think it’s time to stop assuming I’ll ever dress up for you now.” 

He only shakes his head, his teasing and lighthearted mood unwavering in front of you. “Nah, I really think you dressed up for me tonight.” He insists jokingly, a hand lingering over the fabric of your coat. “If I get welcome back parties like this from you in the end, should I just do more one-year study abroad programs?” 

“And leave me to fend off the aunties every other year? I don’t think so.” You’re quick to turn down, walking pass him to rejoin your group now. Jisung naturally follows along like a lost puppy, suddenly changing his mind on joining Minho and Seungmin to follow you around now that you’ve started conversation. “You owe me for leaving me to take all the ‘I can set you up on a blind date with my godchild’ and ‘are you dating anyone’ comments last year.”

The two of you sit next to Ryujin and Yeji who, without even looking up from their phones, quickly scoot away to the other end of the big sofa which makes you send pleading looks their way while Jisung laughs and gains enough confidence to sling an arm on the sofa behind your shoulders.

Another annoying thing from this yearly reunion party is how it’s an unspoken rule in your group to leave you and Jisung alone whenever you’re engaging in your usual banter. You and Jisung are the enemies type of best friend, for God’s sake. You don’t understand how everyone (yes, even Seungmin) thinks the two of you are being cute. 

“I keep telling you, you wouldn’t get all those comments if you just tell them you’re dating someone, dummy.” Jisung returns to your conversation once you’re settled, purposely placing a suggestive emphasis on the pet name. “That’s just the most natural thing to do in front of the aunties.” 

“And who would I show them if they ask who?”

“Try me.” Jisung answers smugly, earning him an eye roll from you.

“As if.” You deadpan, leaning to his arm anyway as you take out your phone and connect to the wifi. “Given your new fuckboy look to the aunties, I’m pretty sure they’ll see past that kind of bullshit, especially Yeji and Hyunjin’s mom and Minho’s mom. They’d be more convinced if I tell them I’m dating Seungmin instead and he’s already in a relationship.”

You don’t even have to look to your side to see Jisung pouting as he whines in complaint, his free hand going up to your side to shake your arm. “That hurts.” He dramatically points to his chest when you show the slightest hint of turning his way. “And having Bumble on your phone isn’t being a fuckboy, I don’t even use it to get dates.” 

“That’s not what the aunties think.” You point out, knowing just how much your aunts and uncles easily misunderstand concepts from your generation like social and dating apps. “I’m telling you, I prefer you swaying the conversation for me over you pretending to be my boyfriend.”

Jisung is quiet for a moment and you’re convinced that he’s decided on ending the conversation at this point until he suddenly twists his body towards you and challenges, "Do you wanna bet? Test out that theory?” He smirks again. “It’d really spice up this party, besides Chan’s announcement, of course.”

Only then do you look up at him since you sat down, deadpanning, “No.” 

“Come on, it’d be really interesting!” He taps you on your shoulders with a laugh, a combination of habits he always does whenever he’s trying to involve you in his usual trouble-making antics. “My mom will finally get off my back for always nagging me as a ‘fuckboy’ and our mom’s sorority friends will finally get off yours for not dating.” 

“You’re crazy.” You comment, crossing your arms in front of him. “I think I’ll just re-download Bumble too and bring someone to the party next year.” 

“You’re really taking too much jabs at my heart right now,” He sighs with a contrasting smirk. “and we’re not even past dinner yet.” 

“Because you deserve it,” You chuckle back at him, pretending to punch him on his stomach which he reacts to dramatically. “I’ve always known you’re a dumbass but that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard from you.” 

Stubborn, he shakes his head in disagreement as you speak. “Nah, nah, we’ll see about that.”

And as if on cue, Mrs. Kim emerges from the staircase and announces that dinner is ready, luring everyone out of the second floor before you can even ask Jisung what he means with his words. 

“Ya, Han Jisung!” You call for him when he sprints to Seungmin’s side when the latter begins leading everyone downstairs. 

You try catching up to him but the staircase becomes too narrow for you to squeeze past everyone, forcing you to walk with Minho and Ryujin at the back of the group. With this, Jisung then takes this as an opportunity to look up at you from the turn on the staircase and send you another wink, a more confident one this time since he doesn’t trip after. 

Your ‘age group,’ as the aunts differentiate you from the younger children, hogs the extensive buffet and steals the best table in the backyard, near the karaoke machine so you can stop the uncles from singing too much of ‘My Way’ once they get drunk later on and as far away from the children’s table as possible so you don’t have to be obligated to take care of them later on. Chan, the eldest among you now, joins your table with his fiance, Miyoung, after they’ve officially declared their engagement before the buffet opened, happily handing out their save the date cards for their May wedding.

“Just remember, Miyoung, that you can literally get all your wedding needs from us, okay?” Yeji comments amidst all the talk about the wedding, gesturing to everyone as you eat and drink champagne. “Like Y/N and Seungmin for catering, Ryujin for the attires, Felix for your honeymoon trip, me and Hyunjin for the flowers and documentation, and Jisung can dress up as a clown for your reception.” 

“Ya!” Jisung protests to your left, cheeks full of steak and spaghetti that makes the whole table erupt in laughter. “Chan’s and Minho’s studios can arrange the music and the decor; my mom will probably argue with Miyoung’s mom for the locations and hotels.” 

“I can just tell my dad to hire you as a clown, though.” Minho shrugs nonchalantly, further fueling your laughter. To your right, you can even see Miyoung giggling through her glass of champagne, having given up on stifling her laughs. “It’d make good entertainment.” 

Jisung then leans over to you to turn to Miyoung on your other side with a pout and a pleading look to her and Chan. “You two are just letting them drag me like this?” He whines dramatically before turning to you. “Y/N, back me up here.”

“No!” You press a finger up to his forehead and playfully push him back on his seat. “It’s a great idea, what are you talking about?” You tease as you do so, much to more whines from him. “There’s like five months before the wedding, think about it.”

Next to you, Miyoung forces herself to stop laughing, teasingly asking Chan, “Babe, what do you think? Should we just demote Jisung from groomsman to clown?” 

“I’d very much prefer being a groomsman, please.” Jisung asks over Chan, leaning over the table. “I can’t compete with Changbin for best man but as long as I’m not dressing up as a clown I’m good!” 

“Hey, how come Jisung’s a groomsman?” Seungmin complains from across you, frowning cutely at the couple. “Miyoung, I’m your cousin! I introduced you and Chan in university!” 

“You’re a groomsman too, Minnie, don’t worry.” Miyoung reassures with a warm smile before elbowing her fiance. “As long as you can get your parents to cater with Y/N’s family.” 

The offer makes Seungmin’s ear perk up in interest. “Okay, call!” 

“Can we all be in the wedding party at this point? I’m seriously pushing it now, I want to dress up really cute!” Yeji, who sits on Chan’s other side, pleads. 

“Me too! I second that!” Felix backs her up immediately, the two now leaning over the table expectantly in Chan’s direction. “Though I’m not so keen on designing things.”

“Ah, but we have to make more room for actual relatives.” The groom-to-be in question laughs sheepishly. “Though, knowing our parents, I’ll try to squeeze everyone in somewhere in the program. Just let us iron out everyone’s contributions first.” 

“Yeji, I’ll take note of your suggestion, though.” Miyoung points at the younger girl with an appreciative grin. “I’ll message the groupchat once Chan and I meet up again with the planner.” 

Meanwhile, Chan’s last comment gives you and Minho an idea and the two of you suggest in chorus, “Get Seungmin to sing!” 

“Jinx!” You and Minho exchange winks and long distance-high fives from Jisung’s two sides after while Chan and Miyoung ask Seungmin about said idea, making Jisung pout at you. 

The general table conversation then naturally flows to other matters, mostly about the famous names you might be expecting at the wedding, but Jisung doesn’t participate much anymore, turning to you instead and asking, “Ya, are you cheating on me with Minho now? You sacrifice me as entertainment then back Minho up but not me!” He rambles in between mouthfuls of food, making you and even Minho chuckle in amusement despite the latter being in another conversation with Ryujin and Seungmin. “I just left for one year and you’re already doing this to me!” 

“What are you on about again, dumbass?” You roll your eyes with a scoff, stealing a piece of steak from his plate for the third time this dinner. “Finish your food, everyone’s done and you’re so slow!” 

Jisung then belatedly swats your chopsticks away, “I’m almost done, dumbass, stop mooching off my plate!” 

"Then hurry up, you still have to accompany me to the dessert table.” You point out, referring to your least favorite part of this reunion parties: getting attacked by invasive questions on your return trip to the buffet table. “Remember, you owe me. I’m not going in there alone again.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” He replies on his last two bites of food, eating one then handing the other one to you. “Have the other one, then.” 

He pokes your lips with the last piece of steak and you instinctively lean your head away, catching the food with your own chopsticks instead. “Thanks.” You bring the food to your mouth before carefully patting the oil he ended up smearing on your lips with your table napkin. 

Across the table and out of your earshot, Yeji elbows Hyunjin and points to the two of you. “They’re at it again.” 

Without you or Jisung looking, Hyunjin looks at the two of you in feign disgust. “I know, every damn year.” 

On Hyunjin’s other side, Seungmin nods frustratingly in agreement which makes Yeji laugh. “We shouldn’t have taken last year for granted, 'no?” He sighs. “Last year was so peaceful without them together.”

“Agreed.” The Hwang cousins agree in chorus before listening to the table’s general conversation again.

Meanwhile, Jisung finally finishes his food and excuses the two of you from the table to get dessert. Miyoung waves at you politely and Felix playfully orders that you two get him cupcakes but the rest only acknowledge you with simple nods as they’re completely engrossed in betting on whose dad will be singing My Way on the karaoke machine first (everyone’s in the middle of betting on Mr. Bang). With that, you and your best friend then take your leave, going back inside the house and making a beeline to the kitchen.

Unfortunately for you, you catch your mom, Mrs. Han, and Mrs. Hwang gossiping by the punch bowls once you reach the kitchen’s open doorway—literally the worst combination of sorority aunts to be bombarded with invasive questions.

“Shit.” You mutter under your breath loud enough for only Jisung to hear, the two of you still out of the three women’s sights. Looking up at Jisung with pleading eyes, you ask, “Should we just go back later?” 

Quickly seeing this as an opportunity to get back at you, Jisung only smiles evilly and links his hands with yours, dragging a hesitant you inside the kitchen and towards the direction of the dessert table. “No, let’s get dessert now, baby.” He dismisses your silent pleas teasingly, making sure his voice is loud enough to get your worst nightmare of trio’s attentions. “Felix also asked us to get cupcakes too, remember?”

And like vultures, the three women immediately turn to you and Jisung as you head in their line of vision, three different shades of questioning looks on their faces. You especially catch your mom’s face, a mixture of surprise, amusement, and genuine curiosity for some reason, which sets all the gears in your head into panic mode while Jisung only gains more confidence from this. 

You swear at that moment on Jisung’s sort of untied shoelaces that you just want Mrs. Kim’s new kitchen floor tiles to swallow you up right there and then.

“Hey, mom!” Jisung greets his own mom with a wave, coming off as sweet to her but mocking to you. He then bows politely to your mom and Mrs. Hwang and you’re forced to follow along for the sake of courtesy. “Mrs. Y/L/N, Mrs. Hwang.” 

The three women look at each other curiously, as if in a silent debate on what they’ve just heard, while Jisung pretends to be unfazed, passing you a dessert plate and examining tonight’s dessert options. 

“Jisung, I swear to God,” You hiss at him as you take a slice of chocolate cake for him. “I’m going to kill you after this party.” 

He leans close to your ear while gathering cupcakes on a separate dessert plate, whispering, “I think it’s too late for that, though.” before your mom, Mrs. Han, and Mrs. Hwang suddenly appear in front of the two of you on the other side of the buffet table with sickeningly sweet smiles, and a million questions. 

You especially fear Jisung’s mom. Mrs. Han and your mom often go to the mall together, especially when there’s an ongoing sale, and you’ve been forced to carry all their shopping bags over the years because Jisung and his older brother usually bail on you. Though she’s very sweet, you’ve always known her to be very picky on some things and it just makes you think that she’s picky on who Jisung dates too. 

“Mom,” You call for your mom with wide eyes. “Do you need anything?” 

But she waves her hand dismissively with a reassuring smile at your question. “Oh, nothing, Y/N dear,” She answers, eyes darting almost threateningly between you and Jisung. It makes your hand shaky as you now complete your tower of dessert plates. “your aunties and I were just talking and we didn’t mean to but we saw you and Jisung so we just got curious and thought we’d ask how the two of you are.” 

“Oh, just ask them already!” Mrs. Hwang exclaims excitedly, slapping your mom’s arm like a school girl. “If you won’t, I will.”

But Mrs. Han is already leaning over the table with a knowing smile, straightforwardly asking, “Are you two kids dating?” which immediately makes your mom and Mrs. Hwang erupt into fits of giggles. “Come on, the aunties want to know!” 

“Oh, um—” You stammer out before Jisung beats you to it. 

For the second time tonight, you feel Jisung’s arm on your shoulder as he speaks over you confidently, “Y-Yeah, we’ve been for a while now!” He then places his dessert plate back on the table and boyishly rubs the nape of his neck which only elicits swooning reactions from the three women, a complete contrast from your expectations a while back. “Just some time before my program ended so it’s been a bit long-distance for the most part.” 

“Oh? But how?” Mrs. Hwang asks curiously. “I didn’t hear of you going to Malaysia this year, Y/N, and Jisung, your mom told me you didn’t have time to go home!”

“You could’ve just told me, Sungie! Then, I would’ve had you sent home earlier if you wanted to see Y/N!” Mrs. Han adds as well, clasping her hands in satisfaction. “I knew this was coming! You two have always been so cute together!” 

Your mom agrees, “Luckily, I refused Mrs. Park’s offer to set Y/N up with another one of her nephews a while back. Had I known you two were dating, I wouldn’t have talked to her tonight at all!”

You open your mouth to try and speak but Jisung beats you to it again. “We’ve been in touch: message, calls, and video calls, you know.” He half-shrugs casually, as if he’s been rehearsing the line for a while now. “It’s our first time meeting since we started seeing each other so telling you guys just kind of flew past us.” 

You groan internally but you also can’t help but sigh in relief at the prospect that you avoided getting set up by Mrs. Park again because of Jisung. Though this doesn’t completely erase your annoyance over him for putting you in this situation, you still owe him a ‘thank you’ after somehow.

So, you conclude that you should just follow along. It’s fake dating your best friend over another pointless blind date at this point now, after all. “You’re okay with this, right?” You decide to ask in a follow-up, pretending to not know that they’ll agree anyway. Next to you, Jisung’s eyes visibly widen and, seeing it from the corner of your eyes, you quickly elbow him in response before giving your most innocent look to your mom. “I mean, Jisung won’t be studying abroad now and we’re graduating, anyway, so it’s cool, right?”

Judging by their softened reactions, you feel like you could challenge Hyunjin to acting now. 

“Of course we’re okay with it!” Your mom answers first, Mrs. Han nodding along happily. “I’m glad that it’s someone I know at least and I’m sure your dad wouldn’t mind.” 

You hear Jisung gulp nervously at the last comment. If you’re afraid of his mom, he’s afraid of your dad because of the one time he helped you practice for your driver’s license and the two of you almost ended up crashing the Ford on your subdivision’s club house. You allow yourself to relax and laugh at this, making him tighten his grip on your shoulder. 

“Me too, sis.” Mrs. Han agrees, gesturing over to her son. “My Jisung here’s been going on dates with strangers online before this so I’m glad he’s finally stopped and settled for your kid! Modern love, huh?” 

“Oh my God, mom!” Jisung whines, his free hand coming up to his face in embarrassment. “I’ve told you before, I use them to meet friends! Not in front of Mrs. Y/L/N and Y/N please!” 

“Ay, it’s the same thing!” His mom insists to him before turning to Mrs. Hwang and your mom. “Social apps, dating apps, they’re all the same. Why do you even use them if you’re just going to fall in love with the person right in front of you? I taught you better than that, Sungie.” 

“Mom!” Jisung hisses, cheeks tinted pink. “This is so embarrassing!” 

You snicker next to him, catching his attention. “Your mom’s right, you know. Tsk, dating people from miles away and you just end up confessing to me on FaceTime.” 

He scowls at you in a way that scolds you for suddenly turning this situation in your favor. You only smile triumphantly at him which the three aunties take as a really sweet moment. 

“Aw, look at them! So cute!” Mrs. Hwang gushes before turning to her two best friends. “Should we just leave them alone now? We’re intruding!” 

“Right! It’s especially embarrassing since we’re both here, Mrs. Han.” Your mom agrees, leading the three out now. She then turns to you and Jisung, “I guess we’ll be off now, then? Don’t want to intrude to you two lovebirds anymore!” 

You smile up to your mom, making sure Jisung does too. “It’s fine, mom, we’re going back to our table now too, anyway.”

But Mrs. Han waves her hand dismissively at you. “No, no, we’ll run along now first! See you later, okay?” 

You and Jisung bid your moms and Mrs. Hwang goodbye, overhearing your mom bragging that she’ll share this new information to Mrs. Park while Mrs. Han and Mrs. Hwang agree before the three completely exited the kitchen. 

Once they’re out of earshot, you sigh in relief and elbow Jisung harshly who responds by dramatically taking a step back and massaging his side. “Ow!” He winces, careful not to hit the dessert table. “What was that for?” 

“I told you to drop the fake dating thing a while back.” You protest, threatening to hit him with your plate of chocolate slices. “Now I have to have you at home more often. I’ve already had enough of you at campus, here, and when your mom visits at home.”

“Ya, but you played along!” 

“That’s because I was put on the spot! And they did mention another blind date from Mrs. Park’s army of nephews.” You explain. “It was between you and another blind date.”

“At least I got you out of another potential blind date, right?” He points out defensively, proceeding to put your hand with the chocolate slices down on the table with caution. “And more effectively now than before, too! So why’d you hit me?”

“Yeah, I know but still, that doesn’t cancel out how you got me out of that.” You frown in disappointment, taking both of your dessert plates now. When he holds his hand up defensively, as if expecting you to throw them to his face, you only roll your eyes and walk past him to the direction of the second kitchen exit. “Now, I have to fake date you for real either until Mrs. Park lays off the blind dates or until I actually date someone.” 

Jisung immediately follows you suit, genuinely rubbing the nape of his neck in a bashful way now. “We don’t have to, maybe they’ll forget about it.” But when you give him a pointed look, as if suggesting that what he just said seems unlikely, he ends up suggesting, “Okay, fine, should we break up after Chan’s wedding, then?”

He then glances over at you to see you contemplating and calming yourself down so he instinctively insists on carrying the dessert plates for you, walking a little bit ahead as well and opening the screen door leading back to the backyard. 

When you’ve made yourself calm down and think more rationally, you firstly point out, “That’s too far away and wouldn’t that be too scandalous? It’s a big event so it could become gossip.” 

Passing the entire length of the backyard now, you receive a few congratulations and questions confirming your relationship from some of your mom’s sorority friends and their husbands, forcing Jisung to hold his thought until you’re not being swarmed again. 

“But if we do it before, it’d be too suspicious since we’d only be dating for less than 6 months.” He counters once the adults have left you alone, glancing ahead and seeing your entire table looking at you with quirked up eyebrows and comically intimidating looks. “Remember when my older brother did that as a joke to the aunties and got caught because they only did it for 3 weeks? They smell fear and deceit, Y/N.”

You sigh in defeat, “Let’s just figure it out later.” With that, you reach your table, setting your plates down and asking, “What did we miss?”

Judging by the way they eye you, your mom has probably told Mrs. Kim who’s gone table to table. 

“It’s fake, isn’t it?” Ryujin speaks up once you’ve settled back in your seat, making the table break character and laugh. “It can’t be a coincidence since you two were just talking about that a while ago inside!” 

“Please be fake.” Seungmin adds, gesturing to you and Jisung. “It’d be more annoying for all of us next year if it’s true.” 

You and Jisung, having the same thought and trust for your friends, nod simultaneously at Ryujin’s question, eventually joining in on the laughter. 

“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’d actually try that!” Ryujin cackles, a clear giveaway that she and Yeji were eavesdropping on you and Jisung a while back to a degree.

“To be clear, though, it’s his fault!” You add in between laughs for clarification, pointing to Jisung with your dessert spoon. “He started it!” 

“And they were about to get set up on a blind date by Mrs. Park again.” Jisung gestures to you back, completing the thought. “I was being a good Samaritan.”

“Ooh, and what did they say?” Felix asks curiously, one elbow propped up on the table as he listens intently. 

Jisung groans in exasperation as he eats his chocolate cake. “We bumped into my mom, Y/N’s mom, and Mrs. Hwang so you can imagine how they reacted.” 

“I can imagine, especially our mom.” Hyunjin sighs with his hands carding through his hair in secondhand embarrassment. 

“At least now we know where you inherited certain qualities from.” Chan teases, making the younger boy exclaim ‘ya!’ at him. 

“This is good, though isn’t it?” Yeji asks curiously over her iced tea. “I mean, Mrs. Park’s wouldn’t set you up on blind dates now.”

“Yeah, but that leaves me as Ms. Park’s only target!” Ryujin moans in frustration. “You know Mrs. Park doesn’t get convinced with dating people online!” 

You shake your head at Ryujin’s complaint. “Yeji can fake date you, though.” You point out, much to the girl’s annoyance. “Or ask out that girl from our lab.”

“So, does this mean we’re getting a dramatic break-up at Chan and Miyoung’s wedding?” Hyunjin interjects, having moved from playing with his now long hair to his glass of champagne. “Because if so, then you better tell us now so we won’t get too drunk at the reception until it happens!”

“I honestly want to see that happen too.” Seungmin agrees, the two high-fiving at the thought.

“That’d be interesting, breaking up at weddings.” Minho chuckles along now too. “People usually propose or hook-up so this is new.” 

“Hey, no stealing my spotlight on my wedding!” Miyoung complains playfully to you and Jisung this time. “We’re all supposed to have a good time there!”

Chan nods in agreement. “If you break up at our wedding, you’re getting kicked out.” 

So you shake your head reassuringly in between eating cupcakes. “We aren’t planning to.” 

“You’re going to date for real?” Felix asks teasingly, earning him a glare form you.

“Gross, no.” You and Jisung turn down the thought in chorus.

“Jinx.” Jisung adds, stealing a spoonful of cake from your plate.

“So when are you breaking up?” Chan asks, leading the whole round table to look back to you. 

“Whenever, I guess.” You shrug casually, belatedly swatting Jisung’s hand from your plate this time. “Until Mrs. Park gets off my back and Jisung actually stops fucking around on Bumble.” 

“I don’t fuck around on Bumble!” Jisung complains over a mouthful of chocolate cake.

“Well, that’s going to take a long time.” Chan dismisses. “At least let us all know so we can schedule faking a whole drama in this group.” 

“Anyway, it’ll die down soon, surely.” Jisung assures with a half-shrug. “Also, our parents only meet up constantly during this reunion party. If anything, we just have to fake date in front of our moms since they meet up more often.” 

“And Mrs. Hwang.” You point to Hyunjin and Yeji. “Since we all go to brunch once a month.” 

At the mention of the monthly brunch, Yeji’s eyes widen. “Does that mean Jisung has to be at our monthly brunch?!” 

“Oh, ew!” Hyunjin adds in disgust. “I’ve had enough seeing you at campus already!” 

“Why does everyone keep saying that?!” Jisung exclaims back in complain. “I doubt I’d get invited to that, we’re supposed to be dating not getting married!” 

Jisung turns to you expectantly, sighing in relief when you say, “That seems unlikely, it’s my mom and Mrs. Hwang’s thing, anyway. It’s not the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner brunch.” 

“It better be!” Hyunjin says with crossed arms. “Hopefully our moms don’t get that kind of idea.”

You quietly agree. Having Jisung on your monthly brunch with the Hwangs would just cause so much trouble and cement him in your mom’s good graces—but as your boyfriend, this time.

That’s probably not good. 

The party officially ends some time around 3 AM, when most of the parents with elementary school children have gone home hours earlier and, besides the Kims, it’s just your family, the Hwangs, the Hans, Chan, and Miyoung left at the front gates, bidding each other goodnight.  

“Thank you for having us again, Mrs. Kim.” You bid Seungmin’s family last since they’re the hosts, bowing politely to Seungmin’s parents before giving Seungmin a high-five. 

“See you after break.” Seungmin greets you after your high-five. “Have fun in Japan.” 

“And you enjoy your trip to New York.” You reply with an enthusiastic smile. “I do hope your mom reconsiders staying longer so you can spend the New Year there.” 

He nods with a sigh, “Yeah, I know. Still, I’ll try my best to convince her.” 

Your mom then approaches the two of you, bidding Seungmin and his parents goodnight before taking you away by the arm then turning you towards the direction of Jisung and his family. “Goodnight, Seungmin, Mr. and Mrs. Kim!” She smiles warmly to them before turning to you. “Y/N, aren’t you going to say goodnight to Jisung?” 

“I already did.” 

“Ah, but go to him anyway! Your dad still has to start the car.” 

You groan internally. After a whole night of drinking, singing, and gossiping with her friends, you’d think that she would’ve forgotten about earlier. 

Yet you oblige anyway, excusing yourself from your parents and approaching Jisung whose parents are busy having last-minute small talk with Chan and Miyoung, probably endorsing their chain of hotels as early as now for the wedding. 

“Hey, ugly.” You greet him casually as you approach, both your parents out of earshot so the old nickname naturally comes out. At this, Jisung immediately turns from scrolling through his phone to looking up at you with wide eyes. “My mom didn’t see us say goodnight a while ago so I’m here.” 

“Oh,” He muses, eyes flitting to your mom behind you once. When he sees her glancing expectantly, he turns to you and suggests, “Should we hug?” 

“Yeah, I guess.” You sigh, going straight into his extended arms. “‘Night.” 

“’Night, baby.” Jisung hums gently, too sleepy now to throw more witty comebacks besides the cheesy pet name that originally got you in trouble tonight. “See you after the break.” 

“No, see you on our moms’ next shopping spree.” You correct firmly, pulling away from his warmth before you could accidentally fall asleep on him. “Since we’re ‘dating’ now, you’re morally obligated to attend shopping bag duty now, too.” 

This makes Jisung sigh in defeat, “Fine, fair enough. See you on our moms’ next shopping spree, then.” He pauses for a moment then asks, “The day after New Year, right?”  

“Yeah.” You confirm with a nod when you catch him pouting, “You started this so don’t pout now.” 

“I know, I’m regretting it now.” He rolls his eyes with a scoff, only making you chuckle. “I suppose it’s different when we hang out as friends and when our moms think we’re dating.”

You continue laughing anyway until a thought crosses your mind and softens your gaze up at Jisung. “Anyway, thanks for saving me from another date—I almost forgot. The means is still annoying but I have to appreciate it somehow, right?” 

This time, it’s him chuckling, “Now you appreciate my efforts. See, I told you, something good comes up with this.” 

“Whatever.” You dismiss before you hear your mom calling for you as your dad pulls up in front of the Kim’s gates. “Okay, that’s me. Bye, ugly!” 

“Hm, bye!” With a final wave, Jisung then sees you off before joining his parents who he didn’t even realize have already gone to their car. 

Seating himself at the backseat of his mom’s car a moment later, Jisung accidentally glances over to his mom from the rear view mirror only to see her wiggling her eyebrows at him. 

“So,” Mrs. Han says. “you and Y/N.”

“Yeah?” Jisung response with a questioning tone. “Me and Y/N, what about it?” 

Mrs. Han only shrugs from the driver’s seat as she now drives away from the Kim’s house. “Nothing, you’re just both really cute.” She comments casually with a proud smile. “I like it. Though it is too bad we can’t invite them to dinner since they’re going to Japan for Christmas this year.” 

“How about next year?” Jisung’s dad suggests. “We can go on one of our hotels abroad.” 

“Ah, but—” Jisung stammers, only to be interrupted by his dad again.     

“Or, honey, when you and Mrs. Y/L/N go to the mall again.” Mr. Han quickly quips in to Mrs. Han before turning to their son in the back seat. “I expect you’d stop bailing on your mom when she goes to the mall now since Y/N’s always at these shopping trips.” 

At this, Jisung shakes his head, “I won’t. I’m ‘morally obligated’ now, apparently.”

“That’s good.” Mr. Han says, turning back to the road ahead and relaxing into the front passenger seat. “You better.”

Jisung sleepily props his elbow up by the window and sighs, letting his parents enjoy this new prospect of him seriously dating someone now. “Yup.” He ends the conversation, closing his eyes and getting a few minutes of sleep before arriving back home. 

Suddenly, this is probably not a good idea—lying to his already hyped parents. 

ch. 2 // ch. 3 // series masterlist

tag: @t-toodumbtocare​ @sandaigdigan-reads​ @pwarkhans​ @ruellelix @malai-barfi @mahalau​ @milkywayfelix @qweens-stuff​

#stayverse #districtninewriters #inkidz #stayhavennet #skzwriternet #stray kids #skz #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids au #stray kids oneshots #stray kids drabbles #stray kids series #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz au #skz oneshots #skz drabbles #skz series #jisung #stray kids jisung #skz jisung #han jisung #jisung imagines #jisung scenarios #jisung au #jisung oneshots #jisung drabbles #jisung series

[purplecantaloupe]

**gif is not mine**

i was reading a calum fic just now and thought back to my old writings which sprung this idea in my head and i had to whip my laptop out and get to work. the lowercase and awkward grammar is intended ig i hope you enjoy <3

i had previously written a request for fwb!cal and as my mom would say “not my best work” but as i would say “it fucking sucked balls” so im making this kind of the rewrite for that monstrosity.

anon, if youre out there this is for you bby i hope this satisfies your soul <33

Explanation: so basically this is fwb!cal along with sub!cal and a bit of femdom!y/n which y/n gets pissed off that calum won’t interact with her, conflict/resolution as some might say.

Warnings: femdom!y/n; sub!cal; this is a WHOLE lotta smut, a few minutes of angst here and there, and a little fluff at the end (bc who doesn’t love a happy ending?)

Also I’m sorry for the spacing, I really don’t know what happened there :/

it was the last straw with calum, he’d been constantly on his phone the whole day and since it had been pouring outside for the most part you couldn’t go nurture your garden like you had intended. all day he’d been sitting and giggling at his phone, maybe the boys sending him some stupid texts or maybe it was some of his fans tagging him in memes on twitter, who the fuck knows but y/n was thoroughly annoyed. being stuck in the house all day with calum and not interacting physically with him had gotten to you, he hadn’t even said a word to you since breakfast! you even asked if he wanted to fuck around just to pass the time away and he just shook his head and mumbled out a, “not in the mood.” needless to say, you were irritated. so irritated to the point that you stood up from your comfortable position on the couch with a huff, stalking to your room and shut the door with your foot before laying face down on your bed, finally being engulfed in silence from his constant snickers and you could hear the rain hitting your bedroom window as it gave you a sense of serenity.

after lying on your bed for what felt like maybe ten minutes, you hear the front door open and shut, assuming that calum went out for a smoke. this was the time that you took to go out and grab as many snacks and anything that you’d need for the whole night, having the whole weekend off from work, you decided that you’d be staying in your room, giving calum a taste of his own medicine. after raiding your shared kitchen, you head back to your bedroom and decide to find something on netflix to watch and drown out calum when he comes back.

after awhile of mindlessly watching something on netflix for who knows how long, you hear the door open and shut and a couple pairs of feet walking around downstairs before they make their way up them and pass your room. feminine giggles erupt from the stranger and you hear calum’s door shut and you knew exactly what was going to happen in the next few minutes. you thanked every god above that you couldn’t hear what they were doing behind the closed bedroom door, every now and then you could hear a squeal from the end of the hall which only made you turn your television up louder.

you and calum made the agreement when you started your friends with benefits situation, you would be allowed to see other people and do whatever you wanted but you had to have some type of respect for the other; if you had another friend over, you’d be considerate and let the other person know ahead of time. to which he did not inform you that he was having a friend come over. you’d tried earlier to get it on but he rejected you which made your mood skyrocket into the ground along with your heart. it wasn’t calum’s rejection that stung you but the fact that he wouldn’t even give you the time of day without letting out a sigh and mumbling an answer before giggling at his screen again. suddenly it dawned on you, he wasn’t giggling at his phone because the guys of his fans were being funny, no, he was giggling because he was texting the girl that is probably laying in his bed right now, in the same spot you were lying in just the night before. the sounds have subsided but the ache in your heart stayed the same, ‘guess the last few months have just been time wasted that you could’ve been spending on somebody else’ you thought.

this was an all new low for calum, sure you’d had your fair share of other hook-ups but they never were there when calum was home, you had respect for him and yourself but apparently the feelings weren’t reciprocated. the message has been heard loud and clear. he didn’t care about you nearly as much as you care about him.

you hear silence from calum’s side of the hall which you take as a sign they’ve both passed out to which you make a break for it. jogging down the stairs and to your car through the rain that still hasn’t let up, you climb in the vehicle and you’re on your own to find yourself a meaningless hookup.

-

about an hour later you have your side piece’s head between your thighs as you’re belting out every curse word you can think of, your mind racing through nothing but tunnels as your vision darkens sans the stars you see around your head. jason was the nicest man you’d met since you moved to los angeles, he knew how to treat a woman’s body but also how to make you feel like you were floating. of course you two didn’t go farther than just sex, jason didn’t want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and you had calum at home so nothing would come of this affair.

jason came up and pressed his lips to yours, laying one hand up next to your head and the other was laying between your folds, collecting your orgasm before pulling away slightly and inserting his pointer finger into his mouth and sucking you off of him before he slides his middle finger into your mouth letting you both have a taste before you attach tongues again, tasting you with a bit of mint thrown into the mix. he pulls his fingers out of you mouth to blindly slide a condom on, never breaking the kiss before he slides himself in your tight walls then returns his hand to the side of your face. he definitely wants as big as calum is but he definitely knows how to use his cock, swirling his hips to make a beautiful rhythm between your bodies. much to your demise he pulls his mouth away from yours and attaches it to your neck and toying with your breasts with his free hand. he bit and nibbled on your neck, making sure to keep you stimulated, earning light squeals from you as he gently bit your throat then swirled his tongue to soothe the sting, though his hips never faltering. your hands were buried in his hair, tugging when he would do something you particularly liked which made him want to burst right there. jason was a peculiarly attractive man, he had long enough brown hair that you could grab ahold of and tug on as much as you wanted to, (calum’s was long enough to pull but you couldn’t really get a good grip on it) his eyes were a deep shade of emerald but he never really kept eye contact long enough for you to notice the little specks like calum’s deep brown eyes when the sun hits them just right you can see the flecks of yellow and almost auburn. jason’s hands were smaller than calum’s, he could hold your whole breast in his hand while jason’s hand was smaller and his fingers didn’t reach quite the same spots inside of you as calum’s long digits do.

jason’s hips practically had a mind of their own filling you up deliciously downstairs while his hands and mouth explored your upper body, never staying in one place which had your mind reeling.

by the time you both spilled over the edge, you were putty in his hands, despite your body’s buzzing of the aftershock, you gave jason a wave and jogged to your car from the rundown apartment building that jason lived in, he’s a messier man than calum ever could be, never really cleans up after himself. you would never judge somebody for their income or their living style but having known ahead of time you’d expect him to clean up a little before you’d arrive… maybe he did, that thought alone sent shivers down your spine. the fact there were multiple pizza boxes and other pieces of garbage lying around the living room as you two were walking through to the bedroom; calum was one to always make sure that if anyone was coming over, even if the maid he’d hired came over, he’d always make sure the house was presentable.

once you left jason’s and embarrassingly compared him to your other affair, you decided to go to home, making sure once you parked that you didn’t see his friend’s car there, which you didn’t and you walked up to your bedroom. on the way through the house you noticed calum sitting on the couch with his phone in his hands and his attention on the television, he hadn’t even acknowledged that you were home. you silently scoffed to yourself before shaking your head and ascend up the stairs to your room. in the moment you found yourself wanting calum to want you.

you found (in your opinion) your sexiest bra and panty set that you were aware that calum hadn’t known about; he never needed to know about your lingerie collection due to never having to really seduce him, he was the one who always started things off and tonight that was going to change. for once in you and calum’s relationship, you were the one who was going to show him the ropes, you are going to be in control. once you were satisfied in your outfit choice, you went to your bathroom and showered jason’s funk and sweat off of you then made your way to your bedroom, and made sure you had moisturized yourself before blow drying your hair and making it look almost as if you actually were trying to get calum’s attention, which you were but you wanted the fact to be subtle. you changed and slid a long white shirt on top that was almost see through which you most definitely could see the dark blue lace of the lingerie which complimented your skin almost too well.

you made your way downstairs, the first floor being lit up by the spotlights on the ceiling as well as the tv, calum’s head was still watching the show he was so invested in until you walked past the screen and turned to look at him innocently. you turned back around to the dvd movies under the tv cabinet and bent over, your behind stuck out from under the shirt just enough that calum could see what you were wearing underneath. calum let out an annoyed sigh as he craned his neck to keep watching his show as you picked out a random movie. you stood tall and looked at him with all of the pent up annoyance you’d suffered with all day.

“calum what the fuck is up with you today?” you say almost yelling.

his reaction was only making you angrier by the second, he barely even moved a muscle he just shrugged one shoulder and put his eyes back on the screen. you tightened your grip on the dvd case before you stood directly in front of him to block his view to which he just looked down at his phone and started scrolling through any form of social media. you grabbed his phone and laid it on the table, despite your subconscious saying to throw it as hard as you could against the wall, it fell to the table with a light clunk noise. you leaned over in front of him, hands on either side of the chair he was sitting in, giving him a good view down the front of your shirt but he stared past your eyes to the wall behind you. you gently but firmly took his chin between your thumb and index fingers and turned his face to look at you, which he looked into your eyes for a brief moment before he averted them to your legs.

“calum i swear to god if you don’t fucking look at me i’m gonna go batshit,” you say, your hands trembling with rage. “please just tell me what’s wrong, i can’t take this,” your voice cracks towards the end and you damn your genes for making you so sensitive during confrontation.

calum heard your voice crack and he looked at you, finally saying a real sentence to you, which broke the crack to your heart and shattered you like the porcelain doll that was your heart.

“we need to end things,” he simply said.

the dvd in your hands clattered to the floor and duke ran over and started sniffing to inspect it; this was your first time seeing duke all day despite your heart shattering you would’ve scooped him up and rubbed his ears like he loves. your eyes never left calum’s and vice versa. he could see your heart shattering and his was cracking straight down the middle, he never thought that this day would come but he finally found a girl that he thinks could be the one he could finally settle down with and open his heart to, that girl wasn’t you though, so he had to take the first step into winning this woman over.

“it’s her isn’t it? the bird that you had over here today?” she says, tears threatening to fall but staying at bay until calum’s nod confirms her heartbreak, the tears fall just as the pieces of her heart fail to stay together.

“can she fuck you better than i can?” y/n says confidently, despite the tears making paths along her cheeks. calum was stunned, he’d never heard such words come from y/n, even in the hottest moments of passion. she kept her eyes on his as she slowly climbed up into his lap and sat upon his thighs, caging him into his seat. “come on cal, tell me, i’m the only one who can get you this hard, i know how to make you feel good. come on baby, tell me and i’ll give you what you want, i’ll make you feel so fucking good.” he had to avoid her eyes otherwise he’d give in, those were his weakness, the eyes were the windows to the soul and y/n’s was bared to him, he was totally under her spell as he felt his hands going up her waist, meaning to push her off but only brought her lips to his. the day’s activities truly only made him want her more, he’d never wanted to hurt y/n by giving her the silent treatment but he had no idea how to bring up the fact that he wanted to start dating someone, for real. having fucked mariah only made him want y/n more and her words, those damn naughty words only made him realize just how much this situation meant to him, sure he wasn’t in love with y/n, no but she meant so much to him that he couldn’t even remember the other woman’s name with y/n on top of him. y/n made him weak and she knew it.

“p-please,” he whimpered which made y/n smirk, he hated that she had so much power over him. she on the other hand was loving the fact that she was the alpha right now.

“please what? baby, i need to hear your words, what to you want?” y/n knew exactly what she was doing, calum had done this same taunting to her many times. she wasn’t going to let calum get away this easily, this entire relationship was built on sex and this was the way she was going to win him back.

“w-want your mouth, your pussy, your hand, a-anything, please, love.” calum’s brain was swimming, he didn’t even know the words that were coming out of his mouth, his mind was in overdrive and she was driving him even further up the wall.

“should i give you what you want? i think you’ve been quite naughty, think you can get rid of me that easily? you’d be mistaken,” y/n continues, grinding herself down on cal’s cock, keeping a steady rhythm. she was not going to let her emotions and need get to her this time, she was in control for once and she wanted to revel in it.

once feeling y/n grinding down on him, he laid his head in the crook of her neck, whimpering as the uncomfortable hardening in his pants. his hands were attached to her hips like glue, trying to get her to move faster against him, anything to cause friction, y/n took the opportunity while he was distracted to take her long shirt off and show him her set. y/n’s breasts were perfectly hung in the push up bra, her tits almost spilling out, causing calum to stare at them as they bounced with her movements. he set his hands lower to grab onto her lace-clad ass and grip it tightly before laying a quick spank to it before he massaged his hands over both cheeks again to soothe the sting. her whimper was heard through the apartment just louder than the tv was playing, sending a rush of blood to calum’s cock and wetness to pool in her panties.

much to calum’s demise she climbed off of calum, her tits directly in his face and he sent his tongue out to get any bit of skin he could reach. she grabbed a throw pillow off the couch and sat on her knees in front of calum, her mouth watering at the sight of him hardening by the second, who knew calum was such a sub.

y/n gently tugged on calum’s shirt and he quickly pulled it off before she leaned up and kissed his chest gently, running her bottom lip all the way up. he tilts his head back as she uses her tongue to lead her mouth to his then leaned up and pecked his lips all so gently. if he was going to end this, she wanted to make the most of it. he of course kissed her back, grabbing the sides of her neck gently to keep her still for him, savoring the taste of her lips. they pulled away at the same time, breathless, and y/n went to work, she grabbed onto the waistband of his boxers, careful not to pinch his skin and gently peeled the boxers down to reveal him. she kissed his tip then bit her lips, licking the bit of precum off her mouth before her throat worked and spit into her hand, bringing it up to him and pumped the bit of his shaft closest to his balls before she took the head in her mouth and sucked and licked the tip, making sure he was lubricated. his head was spinning at the feeling of her mouth on him, she was an expert on calum’s body and they both knew it. she pulled off a bit before looking up at him,

“if you try to fuck my face, i wont let you cum at all tonight,” her eyes teary but dark and full of dominancy—he’d never seen this side of y/n before—he nodded and looked at her like a little kid, agreeing to anything if she’d keep going. she then bottomed him out, both of her hands on either of his thighs, taking him all the way in her mouth and sitting there for a second before coming back up for air, then doing the same, her nose touching his pelvis, breathing in and then out before pulling off of him, a trail of spit connecting her mouth to his cock. The gags and deep breaths coming for y/n make calum come back to reality, her head bobbing at almost a professional pace, he grabbed onto her hand and tugged on it, she shook her head as if to say that she wasn’t done, he tugged on her once more before she pulled off of him and swallowed the mix of precum and spit on her tongue.

“what?” she breathed and before she could say anything else, he motioned for her to come to him, his mouth attaching to hers, this kiss was something neither of them had experienced with each other before, both of them feeling more than just the heat of the moment passion, this kiss was a knee weakening, heart stopping, head spinning passion that they’d never shared before. y/n grabbed onto his face and they slowly stood up with each other, calum wrapping his arms around her thighs and she jumped up onto his torso, their clammy skin acting as glue to hold them together. calum carried her all the way up the stairs, practically kicking y/n’s door in and then shut it by pressing her against it. the kiss was never broken, neither of them wanted to ruin this moment, y/n’s dominant nature, calum’s conflicted mindset and both of their needs to please each other. he peeled her from the coolness of the door and her back was met with the soft fabric of the quilt on top of her bed. her hips were reaching to meet his, and he had to break the kiss, her back was caving a little so they could meet their foreheads,

“i’m never leaving you,” calum whispered as he looked deep into her irises, something only calum did when he was serious, her heart was slowly piecing back together. something told her that he meant more than he was saying but now was not the time. she gently pushed him up and laid him down against her quilt, climbing on top of him and his hands found their favorite place between her hips and her ribs, “please ride my face baby, i need to taste you.” calum whimpered at her and look up at her with almost child-like puppy dog eyes.

“how could i say no,” she whispered and stood up on her bed, looking down at him before sliding her blue laced panties down her legs and threw them across the room, moving up the bed and finding herself sitting right above his mouth and as soon as she was within reach, he was aiming her hole right above his mouth, his breath fanned over her wetness, cooling her heat off as he did and his tongue shot up stiff and flat as he licked a strip up her slit. he slid his hands up from her thighs, grazing her ass before holding onto her lower back holding onto her tightly as if she’d float away. she ground her hips against his mouth, eliciting little whimpers from her mouth, her left hand finding his short hair and her right flew to the headboard, knuckles turning white as her vision went black, her head flew up to face the ceiling, using the headboard to keep her grounded as he sucked on her clit, nipping at it a bit which made her let out a loud squeal of his name and a string of curses. calum seeing and hearing that made him never want it to stop, he made sure to nibble her clit once more. y/n had to do something, she wasn’t on earth, she was on cloud fucking nine and she had to ground herself, she reached behind her and grabbed onto his cock, pumping her fist rapidly before she struck an idea.

“cal, cal ssss-stop,” she hissed and he immediately thought something was wrong, he looked up at her with glossy eyes.

“are you okay, what did i do?” he whispered and gently pushed her up to look at her, this was the same way he’d always done it and he was scared that he’d hurt her.

“nothing, you did absolutely nothing wrong, that was… perfect. i want to try something, if you’re down.” she said and slowly moved down from near his mouth. he looked at her wearily and nodded.

“will it hurt?” he whispered, holy shit he was so fucking cute right now. looking like a little puppy that lost his way home.

“no baby, i want to try a sixty-nine, we’ve never done it before and i want to make you feel good, while you’re making me feel good,” she says and turns around in the reverse cowgirl position but over his mouth, she looks down at him through her legs and he nods for her to sit down. she slowly sits on his mouth and he immediately starts licking and sucking at her hole and her clit simultaneously which sent her almost flying as she bucked her back involuntarily. she leaned down and kissed his tip once again, sending a wave through him which only got better as she sunk down on him, her chin grazing his lower abdomen. she let out a gag noise and gargled in her throat to keep her esophagus calm, calum practically came just from the friction and the noises she was making also from her own pleasure. she sat up pulled herself off of his tongue and turned around, “such a pretty boy,” she whispers and runs her finger down his cheek gently, “put your arms up here,” y/n says a little louder. she sits upon his sternum, taking his hands in hers and laid small pecks on his knuckles before she raised them above his head, laying them on the posts of her headboard, “keep your hands here,” she whispers. calum nods and follows her orders. his grip tightens when she runs her fingernail gently up his sensitive shaft, he gasps and bites his lip.

“please baby, i need it,” calum whimpers and looks down at her. the smirk on her face makes calum almost angry, they both know that he’s putty and she’s drinking it up shamelessly.

“are you my little slut? thinking that you can fuck another girl in our house while i’m just down the hall?” she whispers through her teeth, anger just at her surface. “do you think you should be punished for being a little slut?” y/n says, her fingernail still grazing his swollen cock. calum’s brain quite literally cant form a full sentence, y/n’s words, her touch, his guilt, his brain is swimming in mush.

“please mama, punish me,” he whimpers “i’ve been so fucking bad,” he grips the posts tight, his knuckles turning white.

“roll over and lay on your stomach, hands go back just as they were,” she commands and sits up to let him roll over, even though she’s showing dominance she’s still trying to be gentle, calum thought. he feels a sting on his bare ass along with a loud smack. he grips the posts in his hands and bites his lip, his gasp is the only thing that is heard in the silence of the room. y/n gains a little confidence and slaps his ass again, biting her lip as she watches it bounce against the friction of her hand.

“such a bad boy,” she whispers into his ear. she’s leaning beside his head, looking him directly in the eyes. cal’s face flushes and she leans down to kiss his cheek, “if any of this is overwhelming in anyway, please tell me to stop,” she says, totally serious and runs her hand through his hair gently. he nods and she leans down to peck his lips softly.

“please keep going,” he whimpers against her mouth, “been so bad i need to be reprimanded,” he says, shooting her a smirk.

y/n goes back between his legs, toying with his balls, laying another smack on his ass, making his body jolt up. she sits up, spreading his ass cheeks and spits a wealthy amount onto his puckered hole, he lets out a high pitched whimper while he anticipates her next move. looking up at him as she uses her hand that is free from his sack and uses her thumb to spread her saliva around, lubing him up nicely. she looks up at him for approval to keep going which he grants quickly. her thumb dips into his tight asshole, he lays his head into her pillows, tightening his grip on her bed posts and shuts his eyes as she stretches him out.

“holy shiiiiiit,” he whimpers after he turns his head back to try to get a glance at her. she slides her thumb out making calum whimper at the loss but is quickly reassured as she slides her pointer finger in, sucking his balls into her mouth, his brain is overwhelmed with pleasure and all his body can do is spasm at her touch. his orgasm just around the corner. y/n knows his body language too well and can tell that he’s so close. she doesn’t want him to release just yet.

“so needy,” y/n says and bites onto his ass cheek. “think you’ve been punished enough?” she asks leaving one last smack on his ass before she nudges his hip for him to roll over.

he immediately rolls onto his back and tries to grip her hair, wanting some type of control which she slaps his hand. hard. “hands back up…” she says taking his wrists and leans him up back to the posts “...and lean up against the headboard,” she adds and helps him sit up, “I’m gonna ride you, keep your hands on the posts.” he nods, his ability to conversate has gone out the window along with his sobriety. y/n is his drug and he’s an addict.

she reaches up onto her headboard to use as leverage before she turns around, getting in the reverse cowgirl position then she aligns herself and slides down on his cock, sighing at how he fills her up perfectly.

calum can’t stop staring at her ass bouncing deliciously on his cock, the way she wraps around him so tightly. her movements start to speed up as his cock is hitting her spongy button, her body writhing above his. she’s using her hands to keep her leverage which gives calum the best angle, his moans mixing with hers.

“fuck, your pussy swallows my cock so good, always,” he whimpers which brings y/n so close to her edge.

“oh my god i’m so close, fuck,” she moans out, he takes her vulnerability as a chance as he takes his hands off of the posts, lifting her ass up and starts fucking up into her, her screams start flowing out like water. he pulls her back against his front, bringing his hand up to her throat squeezing just enough to make her breathing labor.

she starts grinding down on him, pushing his cock into her g-spot and she’s done for, her orgasm takes her over as she gasps. his hand moves from her throat to her breasts, swallowing them with his hands and before he can comprehend the squeezing and clenching of her pussy, he’s releasing inside of her, both of them trembling as she leans back against him and he leans against the headboard, both catching their breaths.

“you think you can just leave me for somebody else? we both know damn well that nobody else can fuck you like that,” she whispers, her head leaning against his shoulder. he shakes his head with a breathless chuckle, his mind still in subspace.

“god i love you,” he whispers, biting his lip.

“calum-“ you start to which he interrupts.

“no, y/n nobody cares like you, nobody loves like you, nobody feels like you. you are the most unique person i’ve ever met; I don’t want anybody else to have you and I don’t want to have anybody else.” he says and runs his hand up your leg and intertwines your fingers.

“are you just saying this stuff because you’re still in subspace?” you whisper, giggling a little making you clench around him which makes both of you let out a little moan at the realization that he’s still inside of you.

“no, i’ve been thinking about this for a while, i tried to distract myself with other girls but i physically cant fathom not having you in my life,” he says. your heart stops and you look back at him, biting your lip, your mouth not being able to move.

calum, Calum, calum, Calum Hood, the man that you had moved in with when you moved to los angeles, the man who so graciously took you out your first night and there you met jason. you’d drunkenly stumbled into him and made a complete fool out of yourself, he thought you were charismatic and gorgeous so after sharing a drink or two, you exchanged numbers and the rest was history. if it weren’t for calum, you wouldn’t have met him. if you didn’t have that same night, all those drinks with jason, you and calum wouldn’t have started this whole situation together, you two wouldn’t be here. right now. together. his cock still inside you, warming and filling you up. that first time that you two shared wasn’t only the first for you two, it was the first time for you in general. he was your first and your last (a couple in between but we won’t ruin the moment). he was your first passionate kiss as well, even though you shared it just an hour ago. now you can see, he’s the only man you could ever see or think about. in a crowded club, on stage, in your house, in your bed, he consumed you.

“y/n please say something,” he says his voice low, nervous, he brings you out of your thoughts. you literally couldn’t say anything so you did the next best thing, you reach around yourself and cup the side of his face, looking into his eyes—your favorite color—then kiss him, the most magical, sparkle between the two of you had lit. You lift yourself off of him, causing yourself to whimper into his mouth at the emptiness in your abdomen before you turn fully around climbing onto your knees, feeling a subtle drip between your legs. he wraps his arms around your waist and he sits up with you, reciprocating the kiss as well not daring to break it. he runs his hand up your clammy back and gently lays you back into the bed, your hands burying themselves into his hair out of muscle memory.

cal runs his hands down your front, gently taking your breasts into his hands then runs his mouth down to your neck, leaving love marks into your tender skin. your eyes roll to look at the ceiling, calum’s touch so gentle like he’s afraid he’d break you. you both were so fragile, so vulnerable. his mouth taunts at your right nipple, his hips grinding down into your core. the heat rising in your stomach, you whimper into the quiet air.

“calum, come here,” you whisper, your hand tugging on his hair and he lifts himself up, his mouth hovering over yours.

“yes?” he whispers, his lips grazing over yours and his breath fans over your lips and chin.

“i love you,” you whisper. he chuckles, his smile bright and his eyes squint. you meet him in the middle as he kisses your lips, both of your tongues dancing together.

he pulls away just for a second to look into your bright eyes—full of love and lust— for your consent. with a gentle nod he slides himself in once more, filling you up even more than before the extra full feeling being your newfound love.

you suddenly feel just how sensitive you were which causes a whimper to escape your mouth and your pussy to clench around him. he groans in your ear at the friction and he bites onto your earlobe.

his hips start thrusting at a faster pace, knowing neither of you were going to last much longer due to the sensitivity you both were sharing. he swivels his hips just at the right angle causing him to hit your g-spot and you let out a yelp.

“oh god yes, please cal, fuck me,” you whimper, he obliges. his hips going on the same route to meet your g-spot with his tip repeatedly, each time you clench around him. he goes even harder and faster until he has you seeing stars, your eyes meeting as you feel a snap in your abdomen, your body convulsing under him at the same time he snaps as well climaxing inside of you, his hand coming up to meet yours beside your head, intertwining your fingers and squeezing.

as he pulls out you both wince and he lays down next to you. he pulls you into his side and lays a kiss where your shoulder and neck meet. you smile dazed and hum intertwining your fingers with the hand that’s wrapped around your waist. he outstretches your hands and plays with your fingertips, making you giggle.

“i love you,” you whisper.

calum hums, “say it again,” he whispers.

“i love you… i love you, i love you, i love you,” you whisper right back and he smiles against your shoulder, looking at your hands as he still plays with your fingers.

“i love you, too,” he whispers and lays another kiss against your neck.

he was also your first love...

#calum hood fluff #calum hood #5sos fluff #5sos smut #calum hood smut #calum hood blurb #calum hood imagine #calum hood 5sos #the ending #kinda sucks but i didnt know how to end it :/

[consultingsister-aa]

five times kissed (seb and cee but alt politics for spice)

THIS MEME for: @epiitaphs verse: alt poltical 

I.

It had started on their very first lecture with Professor Campbell. Celia has answered his question with ease, she knew all the dates, all the facts, all the names. She was just getting ready to bask in the glory of already identifying herself as best in the class when a voice, a male voice, two rows back started.

“Actually, wasn’t it Nicholson, not Nicholas?”

It was a ridiculous, unimportant fact. There was no need for him to even point it out; it didn’t change any fo the facts of the case. As Celia turned to shoot daggers at the boy, he smiled at her. Not a friendly, apologetic smile but a gloating, lazy grin. She hated Sebastian Moran.

Over the term, they continued in this fashion. Every time Celia or Seb raised a hand to answer a question, the other would sit up, lean closer, wait for someone to slip up. If there was nothing to be corrected, they offered a rebuttal. “While I see where Miss Holmes is coming from…” matched “I can understand where Moran would get that idea, however…”. It was a careful and considered game of intellectual tennis and no one was enjoying it quite as much as each other.

Six weeks in, Campbell would pause after every comment made by either and look to the other. On their final day in class before the Christmas break, after Celia had offered an almost perfect argument for the case, Campbell looked to Seb. As did Cee. Seb simple raised his hand and offered a shrug. “I think she’s right.”

Celia was furious.

They had never spoken outside of class before, other than to offer snide remarks as they waited outside the lecture hall. She found out where his room was from a friend and, upon finding it, knocked gently. And then harder. And then, harder still, banging her fist against the door. She could hear him shouting I’m coming, I’m coming from inside but continued to hammer, until he yanked the door open. As he took her in, that stupid arrogant smile returned.

“What did you mean when you said, I think she’s right? What did you mean by that?”

Seb gave a disbelieving laugh. “That you were… correct? Do you want to have a fight over that?”

“No, but you fight me on everything else. So why not today?”

“I thought you were right today.”

Celia gave a furious little huff and stormed away from his door, only to storm right back to him. “You know what I think? I think-- I think you’re an arsehole, with no manners.”

“Yeah? Well, I think you’re a spoiled brat who’d never heard the word no, in her life.”

Cee steps closer to him, teeth bared in a snarl. In fact, she’s so close she needs to tilt her head to talk to him. There are only a couple inches in their heights, but with their chests nearly touching, it matters. “I am cleverer than you. I will do better than you. I will bury you.”

His smile doesn’t drop as she hoped, in fact, he arches an eyebrow. “Is that a promise, Holmes?”

An actual growl escapes her before she throws her arms around his neck and smashes her lips against his. He reciprocates, despite himself maybe and before long, he’s letting her pushing him back into his room, slamming the door behind her. A whole semester of foreplay had been leading to that moment and they did not disappoint.

II.

Celia loved being married. Although she had not taken her husband’s name, there was something in the way her lecturers said Ms. instead of Miss that set her apart from her fellow students; especially the girls. It was that drawn-out zzz sound that did it. She was a head above the rest of them; one step closer towards the finish line. When her friends said boyfriend, she might have laughed at them, how immature. How childish. They wouldn’t know until they knew.

And this wasn’t all in her head either. Despite themselves, despite their education and personal ambition, the girls around Cee felt it too. Celia knew things they wouldn’t know for years; the secrets of a wife. Even though some of the girl’s condemned marriage as a modern form of slavery they too fell into the trappings of 1950. Everything had changed and nothing had. When Celia lay out her hand on the table, catching her ring in the light, they sighed enviously as Celia had hoped. What did it matter about her masters in law, when she had a man. Personally, she’d rather have the degree but she knew, as she moved forward in life, it would be her ability to find, capture and keep a man that everyone would be really impressed by.

It was for this reason that they gathered with her outside the lecture hall, where she had agreed to meet Seb on that Friday night. They wanted to be witnesses to it, as if being in close proximity to a married couple brought them closer towards marital bliss themselves. Cee didn’t say very much. She played it off as unbothered coolness but in reality, she was distracted by the conversion by her own excitement. It wasn’t exactly Seb she was excited for, but just to be seen with him again. To become the weekly gossip; what did Cecelia do with her husband this weekend? They all wanted to know what these strange married creatures do.

“Oh, is that him now?” A friend piped up, trying to cough over her excited squeal. Cee might have laughed at her; as if you don’t know. She looks up and lazily closes her book.

“Yeah. Alright, see you on Monday.”

“Are you not coming to Sunday study night then?”

“Oh, I forgot. I’ll see what Seb is doing. I actually might need to go into the city with him for a dinner with his boss, or something.” She rolls her eyes to make it look like she can’t be bothered with it. It’s not even true, there was a dinner the week and no partners were invited but it gave Celia a prick of pleasure to imagine them all discussing it at the Sunday study night.

She doesn’t run into his arms, instead closing the gap between them with a slow, casual walk and an easy smile. They were close enough that Seb could call out to the other girls and wave. It was nice of him to throw them a bone, Cee thought.

When she did greet him, it was with a hand on the back of his neck so she could pull him down for a long, deep kiss. In fact, knowing the girl’s eyes were on them, she stayed longer than normal.

“What was that for?” Seb asked, pulling back from her.

“Nothing. Just happy to see you. How was your train?”

III.

It wasn’t fair to say that Cee and Seb weren’t affectionate. Sure, they didn’t hold hands unless they needed to and loving embraces tends to either come before or after sex but they had their moments. People noticed the way, if Seb was setting, Celia would stand behind him and squeeze his shoulders. Or, if something thrilling, shocking or wonderfil happened, they would immediatly look towards one another, if to check in, or delight in it. And while they slept on the same side of the bed due to the fact Seb refused to get buy a double bed for the four years they slept together in university, they still did it. They had to count for something. There was cards or flowers or weekly dates but that didn’t mean there wasn’t love. Cee loved Seb more than anyone in the world and she was quiet confident he felt the same way.

Which is what made Katherine’s death all the harder. A casm had opened up between them and she saw no real way to get over it. The evening they had returned home to an empty nursery, Celia had feverishly Googles how she was supposed to feel; how to deal with the loss of a child; the staged of grief. Her own feelings didn’t align with any of them.

What she really felt was annoyance. The plan that they had agreed to had fallen apart. All that work for nothing. And there was now a black stain on her history. A bump on the road. They would have to tell people, for the next couple weeks, everyone would skirt around her like she was a wounded animal they didn’t know what to do with. How did you comfort Cecelia Holmes when she had no interest in being comforted? How to comfort Sebastian Moran, then?

She stood in the baby pink bedroom, gripping onto the cot rail, willing herself to feel the loss. The sweet little baby; that looked like every other bbay she had ever seen. So a future lost; one likely filled with trauma and resentment, with her as a mother. She banged her palm against the wood and swore. It was only then she realised Seb was behind her. Her movement was guilty, spinning around and holding her hands begind her back as if she had something to hide.

“I was just thinking of packing some things away.” She cleared her throat, motioned around the room. “I’ll ask someone if there is somehwere we could send it. Thinking of others in our time of grief, it’s a good look.” She could hear herself plotting and regretted it but it was all she wad capable of. Celia let go of the cot and moved to hold him, her arms around his shoulders, her mouth at his ear. “We’ll get through this. I think it was meant to be this way; just the two of us.” She almost said she preferred it this way but that felt too harsh; too soon. “If you need to talk to someone, perhaps you should? Better to deal with it now then have it drag out.”

When she pulled back, she held onto his face, more tired than she had seen it in a long time and she knew she was getting it all wrong. Cee, who always knew what to say, had nothing. So she kissed him instead and tried, probably failing, to put more into it than she could manage. The key phrase however was, I’m sorry. Sorry she’s not a good wife, sorry their child died and she’s talking about press opportunities, sorry he got his hopes up, sorry nothing will come of this.

IV.

“--THE PRESS ASSOCIATION IS REPORTING MULTIPLE CASUALTIES AND UNCONFIRMED FATALITIES JUST OUTSIDE THE HOUSE OF COMMONS--”

“Sydney, turn that up, turn that up!”

The TV’s picture, perched on top of a filing cabinet only offered shaky phone camera footage of the street Celia knew well. In fact, with one of the sudden movements upward, she was sure she could see Seb’s office window. The clipped tones of the BBC new anchor filled the room.

“--IS UNDERSTOOD THAT THE LONE MAN DROVE INTO A CROWD OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE PALACE OF WESTMINSTER AND THEN CONTINUED ON FOOT, WHERE HE BEGAN STABBING--”

“Call my husband, call him now, his mobile.”

Celia is already pulling on her jacket, eyes glued to the TV but listening out for the rings. By the third ring, she’s heading to the door. Usually, no rings meant he was in a meeting; the phone was on don’t disturb and she’d have to call back another two times for it to even go through; something she hadn’t ever had to do yet. If he was talking with someone, briefly, he would hang up after one ring. Past three rings, with no pick up? She didn’t remember the last time.

“Cee, you shouldn’t go into--” Syd stood up behind her desk but Cee held up a hand.

“Text me if there are any updates worth knowing. Call him again, keep calling him.”

There was no point trying to get a taxi, if there really was a terrorist attack happening in the middle of the city, it would be gridlock and the police wouldn’t be letting anyone in any way. So she would walk the twenty minutes to Seb’s office; she could cut it down to fourteen minutes if she kept up her brisk walk, ocassiaonlly, if panic set in, a restrained run.

Police tape, camera crews, ambulances and armed police officers surrounded most parliamentary buildings. The end of street was cordoned off but from her vantage point, she could see at least three sheets covering bodies. It was ridiculous to imagine Seb under one of them but it’s exactly where her mind went. She couldn’t explain it, not even to herself but she’d had a nagging feeling all day that something terrible was gong to happen, not just this, in London, but to her personally. She stares, unseeing at one of the sheets before a voice drifts across to her, one of the offers. “--Moran is going to--”

“What did you say?” She barks at him and a man seems to used to follow commands to argue with her, although she seems to have also scared him. “What did you say about Moran?”

Sheepishly, he draws closer. “Only that Mr Moran was directing his staff to--”

“To where?” Of course, of course, he’s alive. “Where is he?”

“I think they were going to Lady Chapel,” and then, as an afterthought, “ma’am.”

Celia didn’t hang around any longer that she needed to. She didn’t know why she ran this time, heels hitting the pavement with an ungodly amount of noise. If Seb was well enough to be directing people somewhere, there was no real need to worry. But something had shaken her when she had heard the news. It was the first time she had really considered what it might be like if Seb did die. They had been partners, in one way or another, for nearly fifteen years and all her future plans and hopes were pinned upon him.

She rounded the corner and stopped to catch her breath, smooth out her coat, look less worried. When she looked up, she saw him immediately; standing by the church’s doors, talking seriously with a police chief. He only glanced in her direction and had to do a double-take.

“What are you doing here?” Seb asked, moving over to her.

“You weren’t answering your phone.” Annoyingly, she’s still breathless.

“Bit of an emergency. Did you run?”

Maybe to avoid the embarrassing question, maybe because she was so relieved to see him standing, she threw her arms around him and kissed him, with slightly more passion than normal. She couldn’t say for sure, but she thought Seb kissed her back with a matched ferocity and held her a little tight than normal too. Maybe he was glad to see her too.

#terrorist attack -- #epiitaphs #( i. message ) #child death --

[snickerdoodlecocoa]

Day 16

you know that feeling when there’s simply too much in your head and not even writing it all out can help because you don’t even know where to start? yeah, welcome to my brain and it’s fucked up chemicals.

a couple things have happened this week. let’s start with what happened 3 hours ago. 

i stopped by my friend’s apartment after dinner and i’m getting the impression that we’re drifting apart and i hate everything about that. context: my freshman year, a suite of guys a year above me lived down the hall and i spent a ton of time at their place. i really bonded with two of them. with one, we connected over our shared love of writing, with the other, unrequited love and mental health (i turned his ache into poetry). sophomore year, they moved to the usual off campus apartments. i stopped by every once in a while, but i had to rely on the buses- obviously, not as easy as walking down the hall. that year got cut short by covid-19. and now, junior year. i’ve been to their place a couple times. it’s always weird. i don’t entirely know what to attribute it to. i felt so close to them after freshman year and now the magic isn’t there. was our friendship just based on the convience of living in the same building for a year? when i stopped by tonight, i was talking to the latter of the two boys i mentioned before. after a lull in conversation, i joked that “i’m a terrible conversationalist”. he said “well, we don’t have much to talk about, etc.” i think i’m paraphrasing, but you get the idea. and maybe this is me just jumping to conclusions, but even our online interactions aren’t the same. when a meme used to lead to a long conversation about things other than said meme, now it’s just liked and that’s it. i send 80% of the memes. i always feel like i’m bothering them. but like i said, overreacting? the boys are seniors now. they’re probably busy. but what happens after they graduate? do we just fade apart? i care so much about them and i have no idea if that’s reciprocated. and it’s not like i can just say “hey do y’all hate me now should i just stop sending memes”. i hate this feeling. if you’re gonna fade out of my life, tell me. moving on.

i told my parents i have social anxiety the earlier this week and it went as well as you think it did. i first told my dad, who has in the past stated “anxiety isn’t real”. his first response? “everyone has social anxiety” so i dropped the full name: social anxiety disorder. my dad likes to think that he understands why i’m so bad at people just because we’re both introverts. but only one of us has social anxiety. do all of my symptoms match? nope. have i been professionally diagnosed? nope. but it’s just something that i know. something i found out existed by reading about it in fanfiction (which is just disappointing, really). back to my dad- as soon as the conversation went to mental health, he immediately backed out and pulled a “i don’t know how to talk about this”. yeah dad, i didn’t either until i did. you learn. 

now, my mom. my mom, who has both a BA and MA in psychology (she doesn’t really use them for psych purposes, but she’s got the background). it was such a fragile conversation. she kept on pushing me to ask if i wanted to see someone about it. but not before saying that looked it up and “could see how i sorta fit the profile”. she did it better than my dad. and she asked if i thought i was depressed. i don’t know how to reply to that. cause like i’ve said, my bad days come in moments. i’ll feel like shit for a day but then i’ll be fine the next. i don’t know if i’m depressed. anyone who bases their opinion of my mental health of my writing would definitely say i’m depressed. i don’t know what i want to do. i really don’t.

the worst part about this is that my parents never figured out how fucked up my brain was for all these years. you saw the signs, the isolation, the avoiding of people, everything. you saw it. and told yourself i was okay.

so. that’s what’s been on my mind. yeah, it feels better putting it in solid form. but everything is still lurking under the surface. it’s 1:53 AM by me as a i write this. when the last letter of the tags is typed, i’m going to go wash up and go to bed. hopefully in bed by 2:30 AM, followed by a fun thinking/spiralling session until god knows when. what i wouldn’t give for 8 hours of sleep.

#day 16 #mental health #yay #we still talking about that #social anxiety #yet again #and a sprinkle of depression #a bit too many details #to be anon #but here we are #figure me out internet please #i enjoy the comfort of labels #(but that doesn't mean we should force them on everyone!!!) #isomnia #get ready for bed with me #parent fail #they try though #so i try to appeciate that

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so i was reading one of those lame “10 red flags that are long term relationship no-no’s” or some dumb shit listicle articles where some points on the list are actually legit and some seem a little banal to a point. this one, being an example to also call out my 14/15 year old self for screaming at clear braces boy when he updated his relationship status and sent teenage me a relationship request back in 2010/year 9 (please mind that i actually didn’t hold the same feelings as he did. but it was one of those stupid forced high school relationships that a whole year group thinks should happen bc two kids just talk to each every fucking day because they’re J U S T G O D D A M N E D F R I E N D S for fucks sake):

like on some levels, sure. NOT going “public” on your relationship on social media could be a red flag.... but generally???? i don’t think it is, especially when so many of my old friends barely update their relationship statuses (like they have it hidden or still list themselves single bc like who cares, right?).... or even post photos/statuses of themselves with their s/o, unless it’s a big thing like buying a house/land for a house, getting engaged, their wedding etc at all anymore.

hell, it’d be hard for someone to “go public” on social media with me as a partner.... considering the fact that i’ve never bothered with making an instagram account. i’ve deleted my snapchat and don’t think “snap scores” etc count for anything in making healthy relationships. like how dumb can you be (unless of course social media is your job) basing your relationships on snapchat scores and/or instagram likes or doing couples social media challenges??? or retweet amounts??? like really??? that’s a fucking recipe for jealousy and couple self-doubt and comparisons etc right there, bud.

why document every part of your relationship on social media???? okay, sure. if they don’t post ANYTHING of you together; maybe that’s a problem for some people???? but honestly. i personally wouldn’t mind that. bc god. do we really need everyone nosing in on our relationship business, dude??? like really??? i don’t want people gossiping about us or whatever the fuck idek. or i don’t want to be that absolutely nauseating couple that posts photos on every social media platform like every fucking day or whatever being all “i love you so much babe you’ll always be my 🌏!!!!” to the point where like 90% of your friend/follower lists block you bc you’re just that irritating. basically this is what i went off at clear braces boy for in year 9 tbh.

just idek. i think the “not posting your relationship status on social media” and “not posting generally of you on social media” would differ person to person. bc i don’t need you to perform your love for me on my social media feed, bro.... like some dating show such as idek, love island? that’s not how you prove to me that we’re serious??? although i might get hate for this considering that i’ve never been in a relationship (bar the one mentioned above) so what would i know???

but at the same time, like it’s kinda banal doing these things by your mid20s right???? like i’m not 14 anymore. we should keep our relationship private bc you know how social media is these days.... even just generally even with people you know. like i sometimes play guessing games with who has a partner or whose broken up with their partners or whose getting married etc on my own fb feed or lurking through old friends who deleted me/never had me on social media in the first place profiles to see how they’re doing and who they’re dating (if they are). like..... it’s weird man.

and it’s even more concerning if you’re a social media person like a youtuber or a popular instagrammer (or instagram couple) or popular twitter account person or whatever. like people can be so fucking awful to famous people’s/accidentally famous people’s partners with like sending death threats or whatever..... that why would you even BOTHER posting about your relationships when you get those creepy asf fans doing that???? like idek man.

and finally when you think about those memes that say things such as:

- “yeah miss/mr he’s/she’s etc etc my world!!!! who’s your new “world” this week? like, damn bitch. are you building a fucking universe each week?”

or

- “gonna call up all my tinder matches at once to see if they’d like being on the bachelorette starring me!!”

or

- “tagging your crush in memes like “these cats are us: i’m the little cat and you’re the big cat” to drop MAJOR HINTS 😂🙃. am i right ladies????”

or whatever other garbage dating meme tweets that you can think of... because if you tag someone on them, on some level, you’re showing your relationship with the person anyway??? like obvs it’s not a lot. that’s a given. but people can read so deep into that sometimes and think you’re dating the person or something when in reality you’re just friends.

for example, i always get asked about two dudes who like/react to my fb statuses quite often and who i tag in memes often with “uh. yeah. what’s actually happening there???” by my best/close friends and i’m like “honestly? i have no idea. but i’ll keep you updated”. but if someone i’ve known for ages, but has never bothered to reach out to me for like 10 years, just randomly dropped me a dm to ask about this sitch i’d be like “yeah janina, thanks for your concern. but like.... we haven’t spoken in years???? idk why you suddenly think my love life... or even my life in general past “i hope she’s doing okay”.... is your business all of a sudden” like idk guys. social media is so fucking invasive and weird and toxic in so many ways to relationships that anything can be taken out of context. and don’t even get me started on the memories throwback function that could take you down some terrible roads (like if you were in an abusive relationship or something) if you never delete shit from your profile.

yeah. anyway. it’s bleh. and i don’t think that your partner not constantly updating your relationship on fb or being awkward about updating their relationship status or whatever the fuck, should be considered a red flag in some sense; and it can mean different things to different people. what i’m getting at is: why can’t we have privacy anymore?

people can feel free to call me shady or whatever. but i’m not being shady in any way, shape, or form. i’m questioning whether people really need to air their relationships in full (no matter whether they’re genuinely reciprocal and love filled; or unhealthy and unrequited- like my stalker back in years 11/12... and also clear braces boy).... and/or at the end of a relationship... air any or all of their dirty laundry through their social media feeds. it’s unhealthy asf that social media rules our lives that much. and that it seems almost to be a fucking requirement to share EVERYTHING about your life on social media to whoever, whenever. finally i’m saying that showing your love has become almost like a competition against other couples going “official” on different social media platforms by updating their rs status or tagging each other in their posts or writing corny lovey-dovey statuses with the starry eyed couple in a photo underneath. like ugh. i hate it.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #relationships i guess

[truths89]

A Gem of the Pleiades

I am walking to the F train in Brooklyn, to head home from the 4th ave train station, while I smoke a spliff and recollect my raw appetite from the late hours of the 29th night of February. She is face down, ass up and my fingers are curled around her g-spot, as I bite chunks of her ass. Her moaning is so gratifying, like a seamless orchestra to a conductor. Her body is richly melanated, her thighs are thick, her belly soft and round. I am intent on devouring her at this moment. So tight, so moist, the aroma. Just a lick, a sip of a clit. The thirst was real. For a taste of her lips, all of her lips.

Kole, unlike my numerous Tinder dates, is a person with whom I attended Smith College. She was a senior, when I was a first-year. We both resided in Lamont house, on the 4th floor during the mid-2000′s. We were cordial during that single overlapping year of study; however, hadn’t established a relationship outside of smithiehood. While residing in Manhattan  over the past seven years, Kole and I have run into each other at Union Square twice, and once at the Schomburg Museum in Harlem. We were always polite and graceful, but never made an attempt to meet up intentionally. Since graduating in 2011, I hadn't attended a single Smith event. It wasn’t until Winter of 2019, when I received a Facebook invitation to the New York Chapter Smith Holiday Party from Kole, that we became reacquainted again. The small talk was pleasant, her presence was enchanting. We exchanged numbers and she was convinced she could link me with a friend of hers, who she believed, I’d take a liking to.

I can’t precisely pinpoint when the mutual attraction was realized, but there has always been a sense of humor and sensuality that I associate with Kole. About a week after the Holiday party, Kole invited me to Ginny’s Supper Club in Harlem, for a Jazz performance and a salmon entree. The venue was so beautiful and rather romantic. Our conversation was substantial and we broached  the topic of dating. She shared a little bit about the matter, and my curiosity grew. Before me, was a beautifully black, assertive and accomplished woman, how could she not be dating? The next hurdle was to learn her sexual orientation. Typically, she responded with, “I like people.” As a very fluid person, this was alluring to me. Naturally, I shared with her a little of my dating experiences. We walked separate ways at 125th St. and Malcolm X Blvd. I wanted so badly to invite her over, but knew she was an aged wine, not a wine cooler.

There may have been a text message correspondence, I truly couldn’t recall. But Kole sent out an email invitation for showings of Black Women in Film Festival, with dates in January. One happened to be on my birthday, the 30th, and I hadn’t made any plans to celebrate. I thought little of reaching out to spend my birthday evening with her. Serendipitously, her late father and I share a birthday. We decided to meet up at 6 pm, at  a bar near West 4th to make a toast to her father. She was about forty minutes late, due to her train being stuck underground. Even so, I was still thrilled to share time with her. The bar was packed. She had a single drink on the rocks; I declined to join in, as I was already overly intoxicated from a sushi lunch with my best friend. We made it to the Film Forum and saw a clip that starred Eartha Kitt. It was beautiful. Afterward, we took a couple of pictures, walked to the train and gave each other a rich embrace.

Some time had passed, when I was walking along Riverside Park one morning, on February 14th, and received a text message from Kole about the upcoming potluck she was organizing. Because I have numerous email accounts, and communicate over several text phone app platforms, I can easily lose track of a correspondence or invitation. In my defense, there were two events, a potluck and a karaoke event, a week apart.  After going back and forth with her via text message, on where her invitation might be located on my phone, I immediately RSVP’d for the 22nd at 5 pm. I decided to also RSVP for the Smith Karaoke for the 29th at 3 pm.  I arrived at a quarter to 6 to the potluck, bearing half a loaf of bread and two flavors of hummus. I didn’t immediately find myself conversing with Kole, as she was the host. The night was rich in food, dialogue and community. By the end of the evening, Kole was hugging me goodbye, in such a way that I began to feel sexually aware of my body. I felt safe and liked it, but was unclear on her intentions. She gave me two twirls before sharing that her friend could drive me uptown from the Queens home we were in. I was grateful, as I had a 6 am flight to New Mexico the next morning.

I visited a ranch in Sapello, New Mexico for a week. There was not a day in which Kole and I did not communicate. I told her that I liked her touch and felt safe, but giddy. I had sent her a short erotica story that I had written my senior year, while attending Smith College. I also shared with her some articles I had written for a niche newspaper on being a Peer Specialist. Something was happening, and we were just flowing. The pictures she would send, and then my versions that I would send in return. I was in the hot tub when we had a video call, which was seductive. We were both eager to gain clarity on what it was we were feeling and doing. I expressed my interest and her rebuttal was promising. By the time I boarded my return flight to New York on February 28th, Friday evening, I knew I’d see her the following day for Karaoke.

While on the plane, the more I thought of Kole, the more I felt butterflies in my tummy. This was such a new and strange experience. A woman I met 14 years ago, who I barely communicated with during all this time; and suddenly, I can’t help but yearn for her touch. Karaoke was a cute event to host. The song selection was not quite for my palate, but I appreciated watching Kole have fun. There was one smithie who both Kole and I were acquainted with, as we all lived in Lamont House on the 4th floor. The last time I saw Abby was at the Smith Holiday Party. Now, at the karaoke venue, we’re playing musical chairs around Kole. I was thirsty to have her body beside my own. Frankly, I had bravely sent her some visually seductive material and did not want to overstep my reach. I wanted her to initiate physical contact. And did she. She guided my hand to her lower back. I commenced with rubbing her back in circular motions, amid the Karaoke selections being played. Abby seemed very confused. I was gleefully avoidant of eye-contact.

While in New Mexico, Kole shared with me a house party that was being thrown after the karaoke event by a fellow smithie. From midtown, we took a taxi to the house party in Brooklyn. At this point, the sexual tension was palatable. Honestly, I have deeply desired black and thick love, it’s been a source of grief. Although Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge have been excellent in facilitating my connection to potential lovers and friends; the women whom I‘ve met are slender, and not brown or black. It’s been challenging and complicated. So during the ride to the house party, I was in awe of the universe’s uncanny orchestration of timing. We arrived at the party, and upon our arrival, we saw a familiar smithie at the entryway; we entered the apartment together. The space was lovely and the display of food was so appetizing; an array of cheese, meats, crackers, wines, etc. It was very laid back and I was feeling very much at ease.

Like magnets attracting an electrical charge, our proximity was very close. The conversation was intimate and felt like necessary emotional labor. It was vulnerable and transparent. Although we were in a room with other folks filled with chatter and drinks, we were much absorbed in our own bubble. I had to say, “I want to kiss you.” “Why don’t you,” she asked. I admitted to some shyness around the space we were in. As a gathering, we began to play What Do You Meme. Perhaps over a dozen rounds, in the midst of such, Kole and I were twisting our fingers together, holding hands, and playing footsie. There were a couple of moments when we left the living room to get more food or drinks from the kitchen. Two bodies passing, she reached for my waist, and I hers. We exchanged two brief soft wet kisses. I may have been exhausted from my return from New Mexico that morning, but her essence was caffeinated sensuality.

We met up in the kitchen about two more times that evening, before deciding to take a taxi to her home. It was a short ride. She initiated the kissing and hand holding along the ride. I enthusiastically reciprocated the affection. She resides on the second floor of an apartment building. Her roommate wasn’t there, gratefully. The clothes came off with such grace. While her body rested upon mine, with my arms embracing her being, eyes locked, I felt a sacred energy between us. Because I don’t recall what persona I portrayed while at Smith College, I have felt very uneasy and anxious with that social network. But with my head between her bosoms, as she caresses my forehead, I felt her nurturing touch.

I woke up around 7:46 am, in bed by myself. I lingered for a little, but went searching for Kole. She was comfortably lounging on the couch in the living room, while consuming some cold cereal. She was wearing a robe and her glasses. After I brushed my teeth, I joined her on the couch. The morning small talk was polite. Dating varies by person, but I chose to tell her that my male booty calls can stay on KIK. Because at age thirty-one, I am committed to manifesting a healthy black lesbian love relationship. I was preparing to leave, when she decided to sit on my lap. Her curves, her softness, her eyes, and her full lips. I’m weak. But literally, we both have orthopedic limitations, bad knees; it was fucking endearing and romantic to navigate our bodies with such gentleness and humor.

I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what this will be. But I have already soaked up so much healing and pleasure. I am grateful to the magic of the universe. To her black pussy and its wetness. May I drink her like a lily does the sun? We are black star seeds in the garden of passion and creation. What can two wombs create in the absence of sperm? A Star System. 

#smith college #smithie #'07 #black love #blackqueer #blackweirdo #blackgirlmagic #lesbianism #new york city #serendipity #uncertainty #excitment #healing #romance #harlem #brooklyn #2020

[imaginedanganronpa]

omg hi! can you please do some SaiOuma/OumaSai headcanons?? (nsfw too if you want owo) they're my OTP

I’m actually surprised that I haven’t done Headcanons for them yet! I do enjoy them, and I know this is one of the more popular ships so I got really carried away with this Request; lots of people like them so here you go. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

SaiOuma (Saihara Shuichi x Ouma Kokichi) Headcanons! (SFW/NSFW)

Safe For Work

They were quite the unlikelycouple who actually started off as enemies, or even rivals if you want to go that far. Saihara couldn’ttolerate Ouma’s over the top personality, which in turn caused Ouma to tease,or borderline bully him, relentlessly – he always had good intentions and a hint of playfulness but didn’talways project them in healthy ways.

Secretly, Ouma developed feelings for the Detective along the way which is whyhe tormented Saihara specifically so much. He never really learned how to express his feelings nor did he really know how to handle them.

And for a long time, Saihara hated him for it. He felt like he was being targeted for no good reason, and he didn’t think he deserved it.

But he realized that he, too, had a crush on Ouma after the Supreme Leader began making his move. One afternoon,Ouma cornered him as he was walking home and essentially pinned him against thewall – he never physically touched Saihara but instead used his arm to blockhis path and leaned in closely. His original plan was to confess then andthere, but Ouma became far too flustered and that confidence plummeted, so hechickened out.

However, being this close to the smaller man caused Saihara’s heart to skip abeat and that’s when he realized that he cared for him as well.

From that point on, the two boys danced around their feelings and kept themhidden. Neither one really knew how to tell the other and didn’t realize that the crush was mutual; if they had, then they would’ve gotten together much sooner.

Their classmates caught on much quicker than they did – Kaito Momota and KaedeAkamatsu, mutual friends of the two boys, teamed up together and set them up onblind dates… with each other.

Imagine their surprise when they arrived at the fancy downtown restaurant just to find out thatthey were each other’s dates.

Flash forward to about a year later and they’re still as happy as can be.

Ouma still teases Saihara, but in a much more loving way now. He canstill get a bit defensive at times, though, and lash out at Saihara whenever he isn’t reciprocating his humor.

And he might be a liar, but his boyfriend is the only person he is ever completely honest with. Little white lies just for fun arise here and there, but he will be as upfront as possible with his feelings and communicate with his boyfriend. Saihara gets to see the much more raw, honest side of Ouma that no one else really gets to experience.

However, he’s a very complicated and contradictory brat. He wants to be honest with Saihara and open up to him, but there’s still fear deep inside that causes him to run whenever the Detective shows signs of understanding or caring for him. He was insecure in their relationship for the longest time and it took both boys a very long while to get comfortable with one another.

Their dynamic remains pretty similar – Ouma is always teasing Saihara about howhe’s “only with him to uncover all of DICE’s secret plans!”

Ouma knows that Saihara dislikes PDA and has asked him before to keep it down when they’re in public… which is exactly why he showers Saihara in attention in crowded places. It causes him to blush furiously and shyly exhale as he glances around to see if anyone noticed them; but Ouma does it just to get a reaction out of him, because he looks so cute when he’s humiliated!

When they’re in the privacy of their own home, though, both are pretty affectionate. Ouma tones down his teasing affection, which is reserved for those times when he embarrasses his boyfriend, and instead becomes much more romantic.

And Saihara enjoys cradling the smaller man in his arms because he fits perfectly in his chest; breathing in his sent and tracing his skin with his hands. Neither of them can keep their hands or their lips off of one another once they’re alone, and that’s not just in a sexual way.

They usually cuddle with Saihara being the bigger spoon; he also loves when Ouma sleeps on his chest.

When they’re cuddling or asleep, Ouma will cling to the other boy tightly, wrapping his fingers into fists that grasp his clothes and squeezing him protectively. If Saihara brings it up, he gets defensive and insists that he isn’t the clingy one, but that’s definitely a lie.

They love watching documentaries together - particularly crime shows or mysteries, since that’s what Saihara can relate to. He’s successfully gotten Ouma into those types of shows since they started dating.

Saihara is the parental one in the relationship and often finds himself scolding Ouma like a child. He takes up the responsibility of doing most of the chores and errands since Ouma isn’t the most reliable partner.

He’s also the one who generally cooks, whilst Ouma will just linger around the kitchen aimlessly, never too far from his boyfriend’s side. He does watch intently as the Detective works; he wants to help but Saihara worries that he’ll actually light their kitchen on fire.

Saihara is consistently touching him in some way, lightly grazing his fingers along his skin or clutching his thigh or hand. It’s those instincts that kick in because he even does it unintentionally, and Ouma loves the physical contact.

Ouma is actually bad at flirting, although he tries. His main form of flirting is winking, which he does a lot (almost too much at times) but he gets flustered and often stumbles over his words or forgets what he was going to say. Whenever he wants to compliment Saihara, his jaw will drop and all he can manage to squeak out is an, “Oh… wow.”

He’s got a bad habit of going through Saihara’s belongings, especially his Case Files, which are supposed to stay confidential. He can’t help it! He’s just so interested, and Saihara gets angry whenever he catches him in the act which is where most of their arguments stem from. Ouma will just shrug and innocently coo, “I was just curious, Saihara-Chan!”

Ouma can be quite needy at times, feeling a desire for validation. He’s the one who’s always asking about Saihara’s day and randomly asking him how he is, and if he doesn’t respond fast enough he’ll get worried and send him, “Why didn’t you text me back :(.” Also, texting random “I love you’s” throughout the day to one another and out of the blue phone calls just to hear each other’s voice.

Saihara is very thoughtful when it comes to gift-giving, whilst Ouma usually forgets or waits until the very last minute and buys the most meme-worthy thing he can find.

Ouma got his boyfriend into scarves. It took months of persuasion to finally get him to try it, and to Saihara’s surprise, he liked it much more than he thought he would. Plus, Ouma is an incredible hype man.

If he’s the first one awake, Ouma will feel a spontaneous need for attention and then wake Saihara up by jumping on him. He’s also the kind of partner to pester the Detective to stay up late with him just to cuddle or talk, but then pass out and leave Saihara unable to fall asleep.

They love playing with each other’s hair; Saihara especially loves twisting Ouma’s dark locks between his fingers, whilst Ouma just likes running his hands and fingers through the other boy’s soft hair.

They’re both actually hopeless romantics who would go above and beyond for one another, always trying to plan cute dates and surprises. 

Most of their dates are romantic and expensive ones so they don’t go out frequently. Or, they’ll go on spontaneous, unplanned adventures to the Boardwalk or in the City.

Ouma is much more scared of commitment than Saihara is. Saihara wanted to get married sooner, which took lots of convincing and time to finally bring his boyfriend around and open to the idea.

But because of his fear, they decided that Ouma should be the one to propose, just to make sure that he’s ready. It takes several years, but it finally happened and of course he did it in a large public setting, and made a big deal out of it because… go big or go home!

Once they were finally ready, they had an amazing, and huge, wedding. Everyone in DICE came as well as all of the other Detectives and Police Officers in Saihara’s Department, and all of their friends, family, and classmates. It was a wedding for the books.

It was a traditional, beautiful wedding. Ouma was the ‘Bride’ and sobbed real, genuine tears when they finally got to say, “I do.”

Not Safe For Work

Their first time was actually veryintimidating. Ouma and Saihara didn’t have sex for a long, long time because neither of them were comfortable or ready - they were each other’s first.

They didn’t have sex until around the one year mark of their relationship, and that time was extremely awkward. Both boys were pretty shy, especially Saihara. So, Ouma took control since he was the more confident one, but still felt immense butterflies in his stomach.

Every time they have sex, Saihara is always asking, “Are you sure?” Or, “Are you comfortable with this?” because consent is key. 

When they finally do get comfortable, they both let all of their inner desires free and become much more adventurous and kinky. They have a long talk about the things they like and what each of them are okay with, and afterwards they are much less fearful.

Saihara loves leaving hickeys on Ouma’s neck since he’s able to hide them in his scarf, so his neck is usually riddled with bruises and bite marks. Saihara is considerate and only leaves them in less visible places, but Ouma is the opposite. He will leave them wherever people will see them - it’s his way of claiming Saihara. He loves leaving all kinds of marks and seeing them afterwards.

Both strive for the other’s undivided attention. And they both get off to eye-contact, which is typically held whenever they have sex; unless they’re both desperately horny and just need to fuck. 

It makes Saihara melt whenever Ouma glances up at him as he’s going down on him, sending shivers down his spine. But knowing Ouma, he won’t allow him to finish that easily. He loves edging Saihara along just to get him whining and moaning.

You’d think that Ouma is the dominant one, but he’s not; they’re both switches, and Saihara can be just as dominant as his boyfriend. He gets especially dominant whenever Ouma toys with him and denies his orgasm, so he has to be careful or else Saihara will take control and become viciously rough.

However, Ouma is definitely a power-bottom. Even when Saihara is on top and assuming the dominant role, Ouma is provoking him and trying his damnedest to thrust against him or take as much control back as possible.

He’s a teasingly playful brat who will use his words to make Saihara frustrated and shamelessly palm him in public. Then, Ouma will smirk and whisper in his ear, “Oh, do you like that~?”

They enjoy using handcuffs, especially since they’re ready at Saihara’s disposal. They also use the Police decreed Baton that he received after becoming a Detective for spanking, but that’s only sometimes.

If he’s had a really long day, sometimes all Saihara needs to do is bend his boyfriend over and take him. But generally speaking, their sessions are much more romantic and drawn out than that. Neither of them really enjoy quickies unless they’re both sexually frustrated, and Saihara can’t be that dominant all the time. 

Ouma is much louder than his partner, but thankfully Saihara gets off to sounds. Ouma will scream and encourage Saihara to keep going, whilst the Detective usually pants or grunts at most. And if Ouma is the dominant one, he’ll call Saihara all kinds of names and boss him around the bedroom.

Often, when Saihara is on top or the one in control, he still gets shy and stutters when he tries spitting out a command or blushes intensely.

Saihara used to be vanilla until Ouma brought out his kinkier side. Now, he finds new things that he wants to try all the time and is open to exploring their tastes together. 

He especially likes when Ouma grinds against him, and his hands will uncontrollably explore his body as Ouma does so. 

Neither of them have very high stamina, especially Saihara, so they both end up falling asleep half-naked in each other’s arms when they’re finished, after just a few rounds.

Ouma acts naïve to Saihara’s advances, sometimes bending over just to tease him or pretending to be clueless whenever his boyfriend is so obviously in the mood; that only builds his sexual frustration even more.

And even worse, Ouma might yell out some pretty alarming exclamations like, “It hurts!” just to prank Saihara in the middle of sex. The Detective will always pause and ask him if he’s okay, and it actually means a lot to Ouma that he cares so much. 

Saihara flinches at the gentle touches, but he loves feeling Ouma’s smaller hands running along his body. Regardless of who’s on top, he’ll leave small kisses in the crook of Ouma’s neck or mumble sweet little nothings into his skin as they go at it.

And aftercare is a must, although Ouma sometimes teases that he “wore Saihara out.” 

- Mod Rantaro

#danganronpa #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa v3 #ndrv3 #ndrv3 imagines #killing harmony #oumasai #saiouma #shuichi saihara #saihara shuichi #kokichi ouma #ouma kokichi #oma kokichi

[julictcapulet]

So if you don’t know, Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) has come upon us, and after a not so great year, I have been lucky enough to still have a group of friends I can turn to when I’m in need, both irl and on this site. Everything is already so long, so I won’t ramble more at the beginning, but all I can say is even if we don’t talk as often, or even if you don’t think you’ve had an impact, just know that I had a very tough year that took a massive toll on me and even if you reblogged something about our ship or replied to one of my posts, that’s enough to give me a bit of happiness. I’m very excited about this, I really am.

part i. to my partners

I’m lucky enough that I have quite a few plots, all of them with partners who I adore and admire and am in awe of, and believe me when I say it wasn’t hard at all to write my own personal letter for each of you <3

@abernathywrites​ - I don’t think there’s a word to describe your writing other than wonderful? I’ve fallen in love with Sebastian and Bella, my depraved and corrupt murder couple, and I’m so pleased to say I get to write with you knowing just how talented you are. You’ve got a way with words that I just hope to meet halfway, which is one of the reasons it takes me approximately seven thousand years to get a reply, but I enjoy our plot so much knowing how many layers there are to it.

@aguswrites​ - oh KAY we have two plots together now and I am so invested in both of them like our minds…..are so iconic. I swear, we kinda just yell stuff at each other that don’t make sense or connect and then twenty minutes later, we’ve got this sprawling plot with intricate relationships and amazing muses and I’m so in love with it all. I really didn’t expect it to spiral into the absolute mess that it is—when we were first plotting, I was hoping I’d be lucky to plot with someone who didn’t mind darker plots and oh my gosh, I wasn’t disappointed. You’re one of the funniest people I’ve plotted with but you still write so exceptionally well in a darker setting and I love it so much?? I cannot even begin to explain how much I love our murderous near-sociopathic isolated and tragic children, and our badass criminal would-die-for-each-other-without-question squad. I truly just enjoy chatting with you and sharing memes and writing with someone who has the same kind of excitement as I do, it’s such a wonderful feeling and I hope you know the excitement is reciprocated <3

@arisaint​ - We’ve literally just started our ship and I am already so excited about it. The time period, the differing personalities, the sCaNdAl…I’m game for it all and what we’ve got so far is just so great, I’m so happy I’ve got such a talented writer to plot with and someone who’s so sweet and nice to talk to about whatever we feel like <3

@bvckywrites​ - OH BOY can I just say? How much I love our ship?? I think, at this point, we’ve taken the brand Homoerotic Sexual Tension and Subtle Animosity and made it our own. I’ve had so much fun with Sage and Val over the past few months, one of my favorite dynamics I’ve written so far. Every ask meme I write for them kills me more and more with each one I get sent but it’s so effortless to write for them, and that’s one of my favorite things to find and I’m so happy I did :)

@billeypiper​ - Ah yes, how could I forget the person who gives me literally every single ask meme I want? I love Madelaine and Milena so much, they’re such different muses and that’s why I love our ship. It’s ridiculous how long it takes for me to write one (1) sentence but my interest/love for our girls has never wavered, and I hope you know that <33

@danascullyrps​ - I’m absolutely so behind on our plots it’s a tragedy wow I promise to get my shit together asap because everything to do with pirates is like…gold for me and I love where we’re going with this.

@grcvitywrites​ - No, we haven’t yet started our plot, but does that mean I’m any less excited? Absolutely not??? I’m the type of person who’ll get most of their muse from messaging about headcanons and talking about our muse’s backstories and it’s so much fun to do with you :)

@meghvnmvrkles​ - I owe replies and I’m mad about it because I’ve been so excited about these guys for a while now lmao. Anything to do with secrets being exposed and gossip girl and terrible people doing terrible things to each other is right up my alley and I am so ready to really get into this plot because it’s gonna be such a great time I can’t wait to finally finish them okay ily <3

@of-marauders​ - I love our ship dynamic so much wow it’s so interesting and heartbreaking and sad and I’m so excited to get to the next bit!! Something with so much worldbuilding and background information is something I’ve never really had before in a plot and it’s a shame because I’m the type of person who likes to know everything about the environment I’m writing in. And that’s why it’s so great that we’ve got a plot going because I’m wholly invested and can’t wait to continue.

@pcralta​ - My lesbian victorian vampire ex-girlfriends will be the death of me and no, I’m not upset about it at all what do you mean? All the angst and pining that’s going to come with our plot is exactly my cup of tea and even though we’ve, like, just barely started, I already know your writing is great and so is Aurora and so are you <3

@princessflowerwrites​ - HEY THERE I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WRITING AND YOUR ENTHUSIASM FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING EVER?? You’ve got this infectious kind of happiness when we message that it’s practically impossible not to catch it, especially when you start sending inspo and headcanons for our ships and it’s so nice to have a partner who’s so into our plots I love it so much. You’re just genuinely a great person who likes to send some good inspo posts and really, that’s something everyone should have on this website because it’s a great thing :’)

@rosecolore-d​ - I MIGHT CRY WRITING THIS??? Listen. I’ve been through a few different ways of writing this out, but I hope you like what you get because that’s pretty much how I get all my replies out to you lmao. When we first started writing together, I just kept hoping that our ships wouldn’t die out because of how much I loved our plots, our muses, the way our writing styles worked together because they can be so different from one another in one reply and then so similar in another. You’ve evolved my taste in music through your playlists, I’ve both laughed out loud and teared up reading some of your messages and headcanons, I’ve stayed up until 5am sometimes talking back and forth with you and it’s one of my favorite things that have ever come out of this website. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: We stan our couples who sin or we stan no one at all. Aaron, my Soft and Emo songwriter with the biggest inferiority complex I’ve ever seen, and Camille, my manipulative, won’t-have-sex-unless-she-might-die-in-the-middle, evil bitch, are now two of my absolute favorite muses to write. Yeah, it may take me six months to finish an ask meme but it’s literally only because I’m trying to figure out the best way to make you feel the angst and pining as much as I do. I cherish our ships and our friendship okay ily <33

@vii-writes​ - The first time you ever messaged me was to compliment my writing and honestly, I don’t know if you’ll ever grasp how much that meant to me. I’ve started ships with people through liking their posts or getting the courage to message them first or reaching out after seeing a plot we were both interested in, but I had never had someone reach out to me after they’d read some of my meme responses and wanted to write with me because they liked them. I am so in love with our kids, I’ll go down with Celia and Anthony. I am so happy we started talking and every time I see I have a message from you is a great time <3

part ii. to the ones i admire from afar

If you’re on this list, take this is my formal invitation to come talk/plot with me because I admire you all from afar <3

@fablehaven​ @ofaphroditea​ @sidneyyprescott​ @shutuprhian​ @chvrliehunnam​ @maraswrites​ @faithwritess​ @stardustmsings​ @cass1x1​ @gothgf-writes​ @kaylasmuse​ @slytherin-writes​ @gortlys​ @asteriasrp​ @starswrites​ @malfoire​ @sanktas​ @astral-projects​ @lanacondorwrites​

happy new year.

#had to repost bc tumblr was being a lil bitch with the last one thx #sorry about that #follow forever

[ginger-and-mint]

I sure feel like I post things worth asking about. I get tons of likes. Just no asks. :(

I guess I'm just asking for tips on how to get people into my characters. I just really love writing them but I want to be able to be interactive with them. Do you have any tips? I want someone to participate in one of those feeding asks.

Thanks for coming back and being specific what you meant! Sorry if I was a bit salty earlier, but I really appreciate being asked an actual question rather than sent something that feels indirect and self-pitying.

So I do have a few pieces of advice! I’m giving them assuming that your blog, like mine, is primarily centered around OC-based writing. Under a cut because I’m rambly.

First -- be patient with yourself and know what to expect. It’s hard to get people into OCs, even when kink is involved! I don’t know how old your blog is, but I think I’d run mine for a couple months and written 2 or 3 chapters of G&M before I got any character asks. For every one beautiful soul who takes the time to send an ask, you’re gonna get a hundred likes. It takes a lot of time and effort to build interest in OCs, so don’t feel bad if things feel very slow for quite awhile.

Second -- build connections with people who write similar things. Have you seen another blog whose OCs you like? Or who seems to have similar tastes to you when it comes to kink? Send an ask (off-anon!) to that person. Tell them you enjoy their work and ask about their characters. Don’t do this expecting them to reciprocate -- but it’s likely that at least some people will check out your blog and like your characters back. Hopefully, you’ll fall into a pattern of mutually supporting and taking interest in each other’s work. These kinds of friendships are more valuable than a dozen asks.

Third -- make it easy for people to ask questions. Reblog those asks memes (especially kink-focused ones, which are likely to provoke a bigger response hehe.) If you have a few followers who regularly like your posts, or have built up a friend or two like I described above, this is a good way to break into having people ask about characters with something less intensive than a full-on interactive game.

Fourth -- and this is optional and depends on how you want to run your blog -- but if you’d like to build up your follower count, I highly recommend writing short general posts and/or writing some stuff with generic characters (like Character A / B.) It’s just the nature of the game that that’s always gonna appeal to a wider audience than OCs. I often get over a hundred notes on generic stuff, but am super pleased if an OC thing gets over 30. Generic stuff can sorta function as bread-and-butter, if you want it to -- drawing an audience to your blog, where they might start reading your stories.

[eatrude]

rAFAEL AND HANNIBAL FOR THE SHIP MEME

ship meme || accepting selectively !

General:

Rate the Ship: Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! ( jk i know why, because it’s a crossover and we’re heathens ) | The OTP to rule all other OTPsHow long will they last?: until something gives, rafael can’t take the murder or hannibal gets bored / ceases to get what he needs out of the relatioinship --  Whichever happens first -- How quickly did/will they fall in love?: I don’t really think I can say Hannibal is in love with him, I’m so sorry ... I don’t know that he will fall in love with him, either -- How was their first kiss?: probably perfectly planned after a beautiful dinner over wine -- the most romantic sort of thing that Hannibal could craft for them -- to seduce him with -- 

Wedding:

Who proposed?: hm, if it ever got to that -- hannibal, probably ... Who is the best man/men?: hannibal doesn’t have many close friends to consider for positions in the wedding -- it would primarily be up to raf to fill those positions.  Maybe Jack for Hannibal and Sonny for Raf ?  Since they’re friends I’m assuming. Who is the braid’s maid(s)?: if they ended up with maids, I’d say bedelia or alana on hannibals side and maybe ???? olivia or rollins for raf. Who did the most planning?: hannibal.  he’s so  ,,, classy and extra, but he would plan everything with raf. Who stressed the most?: probably rafael.  Hannibal barely even sweats about it ??? like wtfHow fancy was the ceremony?: Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.  ( this would kind of depend on what kind of ceremony rafael wants -- anything with hannibal is going to be way more extravagant than it needs to be, what with his flair for the dramatic -- but he’ll tone it down to whatever rafael wants. )Who was specifically not invited to the wedding?:  uhhhh idk hannibal doesn’t have any enemies before he gets caught so shrugs -- even to people he isn’t fond of he wouldn’t exclude them because it would be rude. 

Sex:

Who is on top?: Hannibal is the dom -- rafael is slowly coaxing him into learning to be comfortable subbing but it’s almost always hannibal.  Who is the one to instigate things?: pretty equal, probablyHow healthy is their sex life?: Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now ( availability from work plays into how often they have sex, probably -- ) How kinky are they?: Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head ( both of them are high up on kinks ) How long do they normally last?: sessions probably go for hours with them. Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms?: Hannibal is all about either orgasm denial or multiple orgasms with a lot of partners so I’d wager no on this,,, but reciprocity is big with them so nothings getting left out dont worryHow rough are they in bed?: Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it. How much cuddling/snuggling do they do?: No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.  ( aftercare is so important !! but hannibal is just generally v big on snuggles )

Children:

How many children will they have naturally?: none –  How many children will they adopt?: …. ehhhh i don’t know that they would -- what with their work and lifestyles -- and murder. Who gets stuck with the most diapers?: even if they did it wouldn’t be a baby so – Who is the stricter parent?: hannibal, most likely -- being raised in aristocracy .. but he’s adoring still, he would love any kid they adopted. Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school?: raf probsWho remembers to pack the lunch(es)?: hannibal ofc ! Who is the more loved parent?: dsjaoifjodasjfdiao Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings?: both of them.  Who cried the most at graduation?:  raf probably ? Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law?: both of them.  Hannibal through less than legal means and raf with his position probably ?  depends on how severe what they did was. 

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking?: hannibal ofcWho is the most picky in their food choice?: oh my god hannibal,, you wouldn’t think it but I mean r e a l l y think about it this man won’t even touch burgers wtf. Who does the grocery shopping?: hannibal – but he doesn’t mind sending raf with a list.How often do they bake desserts?: hannibal doesn’t bake that often, but if raf has a request, he will ... Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater?:  MEAT LOVERS ,,,,Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner?: hannibal but honestly it’s not even a surprise … Who is more likely to suggest going out?: they don’t, not for dinner anyway. Who is more likely to burn the house down accidentally while cooking?: raf. 

Chores:

Who cleans the room?: hannibal is a meticulously clean person.  He definitely cleans more often and more frequently. Who is really against chores?: neither of them probably Who cleans up after the pets?: i don’t feel like they’d get animals.  not conducive to their busy lifestyles. Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug?: neither of them Who stresses the most when guests are coming over?: mm, I don’t know that either of them stress when they do have guests … hannibal is meticulous as a host. Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning?: pfft either of them tbh

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths?: hannibal, probably – he likes to soak Who takes the dog out for a walk?: no animalsWhat are their goals for the relationship?: oof probably v different ... for hannibal he’s hoping for companionship, to sate the need for intimacy ... rafael maybe wants something more concrete and long term -- Who is most likely to sleep till noon?: rafael probably, after a long case and no sleep -- Hannibal is almost always up before the sun. Who plays the most pranks?: neither of them, probably –

#long post #southbronxabogado #♕&. LETTERS

[manderbean]

Time for a personal vent session/pity party cause I need to get this out but Tumblr is the one place least likely for the related people to see and make assumptions. And maybe this is a conversation I need to have with them at some point but I don’t really know how to approach it. (I’m sorry I don’t know how to add read more so please scroll if needed)

I was with my ex for about 15 years. He chose (after a few months of half heartedly working through therapy) to end it. It broke me and I don’t exaggerate when I say I did not see life beyond it. During those months of therapy and for a couple of months after he confirmed he wanted to end it, I really isolated myself, especially among the mutual friends we made over the course of so many years. I recognize this was my choice, but I felt I needed to do it to work through my feelings at the time.

Cut to a couple of months ahead, I very unexpectedly and happily found myself with someone new. I resisted at first but figured I owed it to myself to explore it and not deny myself a bit of happiness out of some kind of obligation/social code that you should be single for a certain amount of time. This is all and has been great in the last couple of years since this all played out.

What I’m mourning the loss of now, seemingly, is all of those friends I made in that previous relationship. Especially now that the world is opening up again, it seems like they’ve mostly all chosen him. He gets the invites to parties I never hear about except in my passing contact I still have with him, movie nights, etc. I feel like I’ve been nothing but a plus one all along to these people that I spent so much time with, celebrated with, grieved with, grew up with. The ones I do see from time to time require me to make first contact, which as someone with anxiety who assumes people don’t ACTUALLY like me and want to see me, is difficult to do, especially when the reaching out is rarely, if ever, reciprocated.

I partly blame myself for the isolation but I wasn’t in a good place at the time of the split and initially didn’t want to be playing myself as the victim and unintentionally painting my ex as a villain and making people feel they needed to take sides. It feels like they have anyway. Do they think that I was unfaithful because I moved on so quickly? Do they give him more support because he struggled with the split longer? (Strange to me since it was his choice) Or did I just not mean that much as a friend? Should it matter what they think? For my part, there is no drama so I’m not sure why it has to be one of us or the other. One of the reasons I chose early on in the split to be calm and civil was so that we could both maintain our friendships.

Maybe I should start trying to reach out on my own apart from the memes I send that make me think of them. They probably don’t realize this is one of my love languages. I’m just also terrified that I reach out and express these feelings to an extent but still be pushed aside. The rejection of the person you thought you’d spend your life with hurts enough, and while that has mostly passed (I think I’ll always carry some of that baggage and concerns of being unworthy of love with me always), being rejected actively by the wider group of people I also shared my life with isn’t something I’m sure I can handle right now.

I am lucky to have my own friends independently and I love them. But those other friends also fed a different part of me and I miss it. Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I’ve been holding this in for too long and I felt like someone, somewhere needed to see it, even if I’m not ready to share with those it relates to.

#personal #long post #lonliness #relationship loss #friendship loss

[azukibeanghost]

It's obvious why someone sending hate would go anon to do so but I often see people going anon for sending nice messages. Why?Are people ashamed of being nice?

Hmm, that is a great question.

For me personally, I like to send messages on anon because there’s nothing associating my url to the sentiment, regardless of what it is. It’s kind of the same reason why I’ll spend several minutes admiring a girl’s dress and really wanting to go up to her and compliment her on it, or hearing somebody playing an instrument off in the grass and trying to sum up into words how much it means to me, but ending up just shooting them smiles and hoping they’ll notice that and understand what I’m trying to say. Like, I know that I could just go up and tell them, but that feels a little bit scary, or a little bit awkward, especially if they’re talking to somebody or I’d be interrupting something they’re doing.

And how nice it would be, if there was a way of conveying that feeling without words: I absolutely *adore* that dress; it matches your eyes and your figure and everything about it is stunning. You might just be tinkering around on that saxophone, but I just got off a long shift at work and being able to feel the vibrations of live music in my bones is so beautiful that I might cry – so thank you, for being the highlight of my day today.

There are a couple of reasons why I would send positive messages through anon online. 1) It feels a little less personal, less pressure on the person I’m sending it to because I don’t want them to feel awkward about not really knowing who I am or not caring deeply about me in the same way that I’m complimenting them. (I know that people probably don’t do this, but my social anxiety likes to imagine that if Person A receives a complimentary ask from Person B, then A will feel like maybe they have to compliment B back, or reblog some of B’s stuff, or maybe acknowledge B in a meaningful way somehow outside of just saying “thanks!!” – and that A will also overanalyze that, and wonder whether B will interpret that reciprocal attention as genuine friendliness or just an obligation to return B’s compliment out of politeness.) Like I remember at prom, this one guy who sat next to me in history class and who I had really grown fond of and would like to consider us “friends” – (I don’t have many; I never know where to draw the line between “acquaintance” and “friend”) – he saw me in my dress and smiled and said “you look great!” and I beamed and automatically replied with “you too!” but I really meant it, and I don’t know if he knew that I meant it genuinely, or if he figured I was just being polite and felt like I owed him a compliment in return. That still kind of haunts me to this day, because I want him to know that he did look really handsome in a suit, and I feel like he’s a really sweet guy who deserves to hear some of that positivity but I have no way of conveying that to him since I don’t see him anymore. And I feel like if I emailed him or something, there would be this weird “why are you contacting me/what do you want?” feeling underlying it, since we weren’t really all that close of friends, and I don’t even know if he remembers me anymore. I would love to just be able to send him an anonymous compliment, one that he knows is genuine.So sometimes it’s easier to not have any of that weird social awkwardness associated with a compliment. It’s nice to remove the “politeness” context, and just express exactly what you’re feeling – let the content speak for itself, without a name attached.

2) I’ll be honest, sometimes I lose track of people or I drift in and out of following various people’s blogs, and I don’t really want to draw attention to myself. Sometimes I’ve been combing through somebody’s blog obsessively and love their art, but don’t want to just sort of jump in out of nowhere and tell them what a big crush I have on them. And there are times when I haven’t interacted with a mutual for months but want to let them know what’s on my mind, without any of that “oh, hey how are you doing…?” awkwardness. There’s also that weird feeling of performing multiple identities – for example, I swear a lot and speak very candidly and casually on this blog, but my Instagram is full of more “formal” phrasing, and I would never dream of posting gay fandom ships on there, because I know a lot of those followers in a more academic/professional setting. Sometimes I’ll come across an art blog I really like on tumblr, and it feels a little weird to be talking to someone who feels more like that academic/professional audience, using my “Mara” persona – especially since all they’d have to do is click on my icon to discover whatever dumb meme I’ve just reblogged. So in those cases, it’s nice to not have my blog attached to the message.

3) When I’m following a blog where the person has a lot of dialogue with specific anons (usually differentiated by nicknames), or they have a long history and have a friend group of blogs, or in-jokes, etc., I feel like a bit of an outsider just stepping in and vying for attention. A less stressful way to kind of join in is to submit things under anon because a number of other people are doing that too, so it feels more participatory. And there’s no pressure for me to continue participating, so if I get overwhelmed and want to take a break it’s not like anyone will hold me accountable in their minds (which is something that my anxiety is 90% sure that all other people do). Once again, I think it’s partly about avoiding the weird “hey, who the heck is this?” thing that my social anxiety tells me the other blogger is thinking.

#ask mara stuff #food for thought #psychology #sociology

[dirtylimericka]

Jaysean:))))

send 2 names for the ult. ship meme! || x || no longer accepting

I’M SO EXCITED TO EXPLORE THIS DYNAMIC, DUDE. I may not be able to answer everything to as much detail as some of the others since this is still very new, but! I’ll do my best. Pyramid verse, of course. Ex-captive.

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs 

How long will they last? - I don’t know yet, but I think they have a shot at lasting a very long time. Sean needs someone who understands him and I think that Jason, having been in an eerily similar situation, is precisely what he needs.

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - Slowly. Hesitantly. Given what happened to Riley and to Derek and no doubt anyone else Sean managed to get close to while being held captive (I have a small HC about that but I won’t get into that here), he’s very... uneasy about getting emotionally close to people. Even if Cale was dead and there was no chance that he’d ever hurt anyone ever again, Sean would be afraid. The thought of someone he loves being harmed to punish him is rooted too deep. It would take over a year, at the very least, for him to even begin to get comfortable with allowing himself to feel romantically toward someone. This would be a very slow burn.

How was their first kiss? - Jason technically gave the first kiss in a rush of adrenaline (which Sean was too surprised to reciprocate very well before it was over), but Sean kisses him later. It’s not fast and hard and breathless like the first, but smooth and gentle. It would start out chaste, then deepen. The feelings behind it would be ones long bottled.

Wedding:

Who proposed? - Hmm.. Sean, I think. I don’t know if Jason is the marrying sort, but Sean certainly wants to one day.

Who is the best man/men? - Rowan...? I imagine by the time marriage becomes part of the equation, Rowan would be old enough. As for anyone else, I don’t know. I don’t think Sean would be very close to most people, he sort of isolates himself post-escape, so he doesn’t have many friends. I can’t say who Jay might want; I’m not sure who yours is closest to.

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - Same answer as above.

Who did the most planning? - Sean.

Who stressed the most? - Both?

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 (Now that I think about it, I can just see them eloping and not even having a proper service. Sean has always wanted a wedding that reflects some traditional Irish heritage but he’s also fine with the bare minimum just to make it official.) | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - Besides the obvious, I don’t think Sean would object to anyone.

Sex:

Who is on top? - Sean would be a little nervous about being on bottom, but he’s flexible and would happily do whatever Jason was most comfortable with.

Who is the one to instigate things? - Hm... This one’s hard. I don’t know anything about your muse’s drive or preferences, but I get the feeling Jason probably instigates the most...? He’s at least more forward. After they’ve been together for a while, then I think it’s even.

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 (Possibly higher because Sean is so touch-starved.) | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - 11-15, maybe 20 on average, not necessarily including all the foreplay Sean loves to indulge himself and his partner in.

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - Absolutely. Sean isn’t fussed if he doesn’t orgasm, though, as long as Jason is satisfied.

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - None.

How many children will they adopt? - I actually think this might be one of the few verses where Sean, though he’d want children, would be... uneasy. He could be convinced into adopting one, but it’d be hard to convince him to adopt more than that.

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - Both.

Who is the stricter parent? - Ssssean? 

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - Sean.

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - Both.

Who is the more loved parent? - Loved equally.

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - Sean, but he doesn’t enjoy it lol

Who cried the most at graduation? - I can see them both tearing up.

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - Both.

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - Sean.

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - Jason?

Who does the grocery shopping? - Sean.

How often do they bake desserts? - Once every two weeks maybe.

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - Balanced.

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - Sean.

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - Sean.

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - Neither, but Sean likely has a few near incidents when he’s exhausted.

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - Both. But Sean is far neater. He picked up a lot of habits from Cale, including his anxiety around clutter.

Who is really against chores? - Neither.

Who cleans up after the pets? - Both, but Sean more often. If something is dirty or out of place for too long, he gets panicky.

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - Jason?

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - Sean.

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - Both. They strike me as the sorts who are always digging around for spare change.

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - Sean.

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - Both. 

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - Sometimes they’ll decorate for Halloween or Yule/Christmas, but it’s small stuff. Sean likes to put up little altars to memorialize the Sandovals and Katie.

What are their goals for the relationship? - Not to give up on the other and to always be there when they need someone. To be the anchor and the calm the other needs.

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - Both have weird sleep schedules, so... both.

Who plays the most pranks? - Neither. They’re playful in other ways.

#robingrinned #birds of a feather [sean & jason]; #pyramid [captive verse]; #the perfect score [meme responses];