#Clarktoon Crossing

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HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

For the last twelve years peeps have asked me if I was opened to commissions. I had only offered services like that once, resulting in a weird transformation comic where some dude gets turned into a sexy duck. Hey, guy's gotta pay for pizza somehow, folks. Especially when Pizza Monster keeps stealing mine! At this rate I should stop spending my moola on deep-dish and use it to fortify my home. Luckily I might be able to do so now, thanks to all of you out there! For you see, it was during those twelve years that a few of you kept coming back to my deviantART page to see what crazy new things the Clarktoons and I were up to. Whether it was to see how many characters I could cram into one Sketch BOOM, hear my thoughts regarding Christmas Specials in Giraffe's Eye View, or simply to witness whatever cute crap Bumper was up to, 500 of you weirdos liked whatever I was doing. I couldn't be more grateful to those 500 peeps. I've always said my purpose in life was to make people happy, so knowing I've done so for that many people helps remind me that I'm doing something right. You all are truly the best and there's nothing I could do to express my immense appreciation. Or is there? A few of you may recall my promising something whenever I reached that many followers. While I've been distracted with my recent hacking incident or preparing for the upcoming Holiday seasons, I didn't forget about said promise. At long last, I have opened myself up to commissions! If anybody out there wants me to draw some silly silly, I'm ready to do so [within reason]. Details and prices will be posted in a journal sometime soon, but for now let's get to a commission paid for by my friend @the-pale-servant.

She had paid me to draw a Full Body piece for her Hollow Knight OC, Giolla. I'd go deeper into detail, but I know next to nothing about these games. Instead here's Jart's description of the character for some context:

Well they are a vessel created by the Pale King and lived in the White Palace with the King and his Lady for a short while before their kingdom fell to ruins. Now they live their life as a wanderer and console  the bugs dying of the Infection, their shield is memento from a friend and lover long passed from the plague

Let it be known that she also said I didn't have to know anything about the series to get this backstory. Uh huh. So I didn't have to know who the Pale King is or what significance the White Palace has, eh? Not to make this piece I didn't. This is actually my second attempt at drawing this character, the original sporting a different pose. I wasn't fond of how it turned out, so it was back to the drawing board with a better, more dynamic sketch. From there it was just a matter of coloring and getting Jart's approval, which only happened after I muted the colors. After years of making art that looks like Walt Disney's vomit, it feels so weird using darker colors. Still, my friend seemed to enjoy it as I hope the rest of you do. If anybody out there wants me to draw something like this with their own characters, be on the lookout for that upcoming journal and feel free to send me a Note via deviantART. Until then-

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#hollow knight #commission #commission art #commissions open #knight #bug #sword #shield #Clarktoon Crossing

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Blue Beetle vs Moana

HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW!

IT'S ME, CLARK, BACK WITH ANOTHER DOSE OF WEIRDNESS!

Man, March is gone. Good riddance! The first three months of this year have sucked! The weather sucked, my health has sucked, it's been a non-stop suck fest! Yet here April is, already off to a kick@$$ start! Little Caesars brought the Pretzel Pizza back, Disney clap backed hard against Florida, and DC released a trailer for a superhero movie I've been dying to see! Ladies, gentlemen, and weirdos, may I present to you the Blue Beetle!

The Positives:

+ That perfect photo-realistic translation of the costume! Not since Raimi's Spider-Man or the original Iron Man have I seen a supersuit this sexy!

+ Apparently the actor chosen to play Jaime is a fan favorite. I haven't seen Cobra Kai, so I have no prior exposure to Xolo Maridueña, but he seems to be having a blast!

+ Emphasis is placed on Jaime's family life, making it very clear from the start they're as essential to the story here as they were in the comics.

+ Dang, that initial suit-up is something out of a horror story! Nice!

+ So many references to the prior Blue Beetles, Ted Kord and Dan Garrett, including The Bug! Heck yeah!

+ More representation for non-white superheroes is always a win!

+ DC is releasing all of his original adventures from the Pre-Flashpoint universe! FINALLY!

The Negatives:

+ Suffers from 'generic trailer' disorder, meaning I don't know a ton about the plot or Jaime's antagonists. Then again, I actually haven't read a ton of his books. Yet. Here's hoping Trailer #2 is more interesting.

+ George Lopez's stupid joke about Batman being a fascist. First of all, how dare you waste the comic genius of Lopez! Second, unless Frank Miller wrote this, Batman is not a fascist!

All that said, I am super excited for this movie! Let it be known that were it not for Across the Spider-Verse, Blue Beetle would be my most anticipated film of 2023! Good lord, I am so hyped for this! This trailer had me riding high this morning. Only for Disney and Dwayne Johnson to have me crashing down to Earth.

Much to my shock, this is not a late April Fool's Day prank on behalf of the Mouse House and Ex-Black Adam. This is actually happening. Disney is remaking an animated movie that's not even a decade old. Now I'm not a huge fan of Moana, but even I think this feels desperate on Disney and The Rock's part. In terms of Disney, it feels like they finally realized they're running out of classic cartoons to 'reimagine', forcing them to result in current critical darlings. Sure, they could bring retell stories like The Black Cauldron or Atlantis, but they didn't make money the first time! Why take creative risks when you can make stupidly safe ones? Mark my words, Frozen is next. As for The Rock, this feels kinduv' insulting following the praises he sang towards animation at this year's Oscars. I guess his alliances changed following Shazam: The Prequel securing the final death nail on the DCEU's coffin. Maui needs moola. No matter which way ya' look at it, it looks pretty freak'n stupid. Thankfully I'm not alone on that though. Currently the like to dislike ratio leans heavily on the later and there are plenty of comments wondering why this is happening. What about you weirdos?

Are you excited for a live-action Moana or do you think it should stay in the realm of animation? Furthermore, are you eager for Blue Beetle's first big screen adventure? Leave your thoughts in the comments below! Until then-

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#march sucks #Clarktoon Crossing #Moana #Blue Beetle #DC #Disney #Disney100 #dwayne johnson #Maui #superhero #pretzel pizza #Youtube

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Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It's me, Clark, back at last with another #throwbackthursday! I now take you back to the year 2020 with this insane piece of fan art drawn by yours truly. At the time I was working on a series of reviews showcasing each season of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. A ton of art was made for said reviews, but sadly I had to drop the project upon realizing just how time consuming it was. I honestly still wanna do an MLP review since Gen 4 turned out as good as it did and 2023 marks the franchise's 40th anniversary, but for now I'm working on other projects. Still, no harm on reminiscing on what might have been.

This would've been for the Season 2 review. That season was a marked improvement over Season 1 with its introduction of Discord, the premiere of the sensational Smile song, having a truly epic season finale, letting Tara Strong deliver vocal gold with Lesson Zero, and of course there's the matter of the episode where Spike turns into Godzilla! Yes, this was for real a thing and I loved it! So much so that when it came time to make art for my Season 2 review, I knew I had to showcase it. Sadly this pic didn't work with what I had in mind, but still, why let something this cool go to waste? Come one, come all, as Spikezilla takes on King Discordah!

And as a bonus; Mothrasprite!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#Godzilla #Gojira #Mothra #King Ghidorah #Discord #Spike #MLP #My Little Pony #Friendship is Magic #dragon #monsters #kaiju #Throwback Thursday #Clarktoon Crossing #Mothrasprite #Spikezilla #King Discordah

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Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It's me, Clark, back at least with another #throwbackthursday, just in time for the highly-anticipated Across the Spider-Verse! With Miles set to swing across the big screen again, I figured how would be a good time to show off this piece I made in 2020 featuring my characters from 3K. 3K is set in the year 3000 (hence the super subtle name) where robots are as common as people. So much so that a group of them band together in order to defend the planet from internal and external threats. One of its founding members is AH, a robot who went blind after seeing years of war now fighting for peace. Yet in another dimension she is one of a handful of robots who is infused with the powers of a spider, AH herself dawning the mantle of SpidAH-Girl. She fights crime in New York City alongside her friend ERN-E (Classic Spidey) and EMIL-E (Spider-Gwen).

In case this pic doesn't make it super obvious, I am a huge fan of Mayday Parker's Spider-Girl, her series acting as a gateway for my eventual love of comic books. Having fallen in love with the Raimi trilogy around the same time I discovered Google, I stumbled across the cover for The Amazing Spider Girl #1 and my life was never the same after. May zigged in everyway her father zagged. While she wasn't as physically strong as Peter was, I'd argue she was mentally and morally stronger than her old man ever was. Where Pete thinks that someone dies every time he fails, May sees it as somebody lives every time she succeeds. Along with that she has faster reflexes, a keener spider sense, can magnetize surfaces with her adhesion abilities, and even inherited her mother Mary Jane's sense of style. This is most evident by the fact that she looks way better in Ben Reily's spider suit than Ben himself ever did. On top of that she's a big brother, which is also cool.

I have draw AH as Spider-Girl before, as seen with this sketch from 2019-

However, this pic didn't keep me up until 1 or 2 AM. What can I say, when I get an idea in my head, nothing stops me until I see it completed. Especially when the end result turned out so great. I liked how AH looks in both her super suit and casual clothes, not to mention her lil' logo was a nice personal touch. If I were to change anything now it'd be to swap out EMIL-E's Spider-Gwen outfit for MJ's Spinneret from Renew Your Vows. EMIL-E and ERN-E are supposed to be a couple and by now I've jumped aboard the Miles x Gwen ship. It's the one time I will ever ship a Spider-Man with Gwen outside of Spectacular Spider-Man. Otherwise the reason I drew EMIL-E like this was because of a Halloween pinup my friends SIM-N and I did for Halloween back in 2016.

Looking back now, I wish we had named these pin ups something other than Playbot. Chock it up to be being a dumb teenager. Speaking of dumb, hey tumblr, screw you and your limit on image size! This is an art sharing website, I should be able to upload files regardless of size! Especially when I wanna share these old Halloween pin-ups later this year!

For now though, there's other retro Spidey art to show! Such as this DUDEL I made for SIM-N back in 2016.

For those of you wondering, the robot in the Jessica Drew suit is Monova, a bad@$$ character he designed that he now criminally underutilizes. I'd ask him why that is, but he never gives me straight answers! However, he did leave this comment when he saw this pic:

Monova: Okay you two definitively need to get married soon

So, y'know, that was funny. XD

With all that said, I hope you all enjoy this nostalgic trip through my past Spider-3K work and enjoy Across the Spider-Verse when it comes out tomorrow! I know I will! Until then, MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#robots #throwback thursday #spiderman #across the spiderverse #spiderverse #spidergirl #mayday parker #spider man #3K #year 3000 #NYC #Queen Monova #Finjix #Clarktoon Crossing #sketches

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Giraffe's Eye View | Prehistoric Planet REVIEW (and Rant+)

Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Clark, here with a fun fact about myself.

I.

LOVE.

DINOSAURS!

Granted, so does everybody else on the planet, but how can you not? They've been a part of our imagination for so long, an enigma of time we can never fully understand, a chapter of a long forgotten history when titans trekked across the planet, and the inspiration for hundreds of great movies, television shows, video games, comic books, and theme park rides! Ask anyone and they'll tell you the exact moment they fell in love with dinosaurs. For some it was seeing the original Jurassic Park in cinemas back in 1993, shaking in their seats as the T-Rex erupted from its enclosure! For others it was when catching reruns of Walking with Dinosaurs on TV, rooting for Big Al as he desperately tried to survive a harsh world. Maybe Barney stole your heart when you were younger, following him into the Land of Make Believe where he'd remind you that any dream is achievable. Or maybe you're into really obscure crap like Hallmark's made-for-TV movie Dinotopia, the 90s cartoon Denver the Last Dinosaur, Phil Tippet's stop-motion short Prehistoric Beasts, any of the follow ups to Walking with Dinosaur, there's so much dinosaur media out there that it'd take me 65 million years to cover them all! It's why today I'll be covering just one.

I remember how frustrated I was when I first saw trailers for Prehistoric Planet. Not because it didn't look good. On the contrary, it looked incredible! The effects felt like the natural evolution of Walking with Dinosaurs, crafting creatures as realistic as one can make'm. On top of that it featured narration by David Attenborough, the main man behind Planet Earth who can somehow say 'arse' without making it sound silly. Not only was he narrating over footage of breathtaking beasts, he was narrating over a score by Hans Zimmer! Y'know, the guy behind the music of The Lion King? Yeah, that guy! No doubt he was brought over by Jon Favreau, the Iron Man and Elf director turned this show's Executive Producer. If I were to guess, he brought all of the knowledge he accumulated while working in Simba's Pride Lands to the time of ancient reptiles. Unlike that piece of Hakunah Makaka though, I was actually excited for this! So what was the problem?

Apple TV+. This show was exclusive to a platform I didn't have run by a company I barely tolerate. It was bad enough they were hording all the Peanuts specials and Wolfwalkers, but now this? Why did everything I enjoy have to be taken by Steve Job's Apple Store of Doom!? For that matter, why was this service even called Apple TV+? Heck, why does every streaming channel end with a plus now? Disney already annoyed me when they named their service that instead of something more creative like 'The Disney Vault' or 'The Digital World of Disney', now every other company was trying to ride their coattails. Just wait, when we're inevitably charged for going to a public bathroom, they'll call the program Toilet+! In any case, my salvation came via a Pizza Hut gift ad given to me by my family last Christmas. After using the $25 gift card to buy one pizza, the Hut's app offered me a month free trial of Apple TV+. Having a real 'screw it' moment, I elected to try out the free month.

Which is pretty stupid in hindsight considering I got Wolfwalkers and the other two Cartoon Saloon movies on DVD that same Christmas and I already owned Blu-Ray copies of the classic Peanuts Holiday specials. Remember folks, I never said I was smart, I only said I liked dinosaurs. As such, what did I think of this show?

Happy to say; it delivers what the trailers promised. This show is what happens when you mix Walking with Dinosaurs with Planet Earth, Attenborough's narration being a highlight as per usual. He brings a level of class to anything he's commenting on, even a Deinocheirus taking a massive dump. Insert obligatory Jurassic Park joke here.

AND FOR ANYBODY JUMPING AHEAD: NO! THE SHOW ISN'T CRAP. THIS IS JUST FOR A JOKE!

It's also to help illustrate a weird point about this show: they do not shy away from the dino love-making or crap-taking. It's Dinos After Dark! Granted they showed this kind of stuff back on Walking with too, but it was just as disgusting there. Especially since the Deinocheirus eats where he poops. If you're thinking of enjoying a tasty bowl of popcorn while enjoying this, I'd recomend you wait until after Episode 3 aka Freshwater.

Those of you who have seen the Planet Earth series will recognize the naming convention here. Instead of going through the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous to see how dinosaurs evolved over time, this show sticks to the late Cretaceous while showing how far stretched the dinosaurs war. A pack of Secernosaurus struggle to find water in dunes made out of gypsum, we find out the Tyrannosaurs could beat you in a swimming contest, a troupe of triceratops are forced underground, one episode even sees how dinosaurs survived the cold.

I was actually super eager to see this episode, as a friend and I argued over the logistics of over-grown reptiles surviving in a snowy landscape. A quick Google search revealed that these early drafts of birds were indeed warm blooded, so I could totally buy them enduring the cold. Even if they couldn't, it looks freak'n cool! Pun intended, of course.

Really my one complaint about this series is how tame it is. When you watched Walking with Dinosaurs, or really any nature documentary, it's hard to guess what's going to happen. Will the baby antelope escape the hungry lion's claws? Will that one panda find a mate before the season's over? Will future generations have the privilege of ever seeing a rhino again? Most importantly, how did the people holding the camera get these magnificent shots? One cameraman working on Planet Earth had to live in a literal mountain of crap for weeks while filming cockroaches. Thinking about it gives makes my skin crawl. Even then that's nothing compared to the massive undertaking that is filming snow leopards. Not to say I want any people producing this to be in actual danger, but the Walking series at least simulated this aspect by having the creatures interact with the camera. Saliva would coat the lens after a T-Rex roared at it, it'd be knocked over after a adolescent Indricotherium charged at it, that sort of thing. This makes what's happening on screen feel natural. Here it all feels too choreographed and planned. There's no real edge. Still, I'd take this over any of the newer Jurassic Park movies any day. This doesn't make it feel my braincells are being smothered with a pillow before getting repeatedly kicked in their metaphorical crotches.

In conclusion, dinosaur lovers will surely love this. The effects will leave you speechless, David Attenborough's voice is a welcomed boost of nostalgia, and the variety of dinosaurs on display should satisfy any paleontology fan. That is assuming this all is accurate, which is getting harder to judge these days. Just wait, come tomorrow some bone-digging bozo is gonna say T-Rex was actually more of a giant woodpecker or somethin'. Until that happens, take a trip back and enjoy watching how life survived this Prehistoric Planet.

By the way, wanna read more rants against streaming services? Then check out my review of Spy x Family to see me complain about Hulu while gushing over how cute Anya forger is. Until then, may the glasses be with you!

NEXT TIME ON GIRAFFE'S EYE VIEW...

#clarktoon crossing #giraffes eye view #dinosaurs #dinosaur #prehistoric planet #apple tv+ #streaming #rant #review #tv review

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HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT IS I, CLARK!

Girasol Bosewick had always looked up to her older sister, Sarah. And that was before she could transform into a dinosaur. Ever since then, young Gigi has discovered the many benefits of having a big blue beast in the family. For starters, reaching stuff on high shelves no longer presented a problem. Stepladders are overrated when your siblings are nearly eight foot tall! Bullies also became less bothersome. Those who tried to break Girasol's natural optimism were soon met with the prehistoric protector of their town roaring in their face. Plenty of future punks have been 'persuaded' to rethink their life choices. Whenever she wasn't fending off would-be harassers, Saura was playing pretend with her precious younger sibling. Her peers could keep their Polly dolls as far as Girasol cared. Nothing could be cooler than her hermana grande. Even if she herself couldn't turn into a dinosaur, the smaller sibling very much wanted to be like her big sister. Saura, a former trouble maker herself, always had a hard time accepting that anybody would look up to her. Powerful as she was, she was not match for Gigi's cheerful attitude. Besides, it if meant she became a better person, why should such a dream be denied? Thus every weekend the two set aside time to work out. Needless to say, their way of doing so is different from most other families.

HAPPY NATIONAL CARTOONIST DAY, WEIRDOS! Yes, of course that's a real Holiday, Google it. I first discovered it back in High School while flipping through a Peanuts book. Ever since then I've made it my goal to post something new for this Holiday every year. Admittedly some years have been better than others. Back in 2016 and 2017 I actually managed to upload a new cartoon creation every hour. Now these last few years have found only one or two new pictures debuting. Heck, I'm still working on a new Sketch BOOM I meant to show today. Well, at least I have something saved for later. Besides, if nothing else, I can say quantity has been sacrificed for quality. That's certainly the case here! Honestly this is some of my best linework and shading to date. Remember folks, experimenting pays off. Helps that I already had a fun idea going in. A long while ago I stumbled upon a picture of Ruby and Weiss from RWBY dangling off Yang's bulging biceps. Obviously a similar situation could work for Saura, but how? Fast forward to this year when @burningthrucelluloid suggested having Gigi doing pull ups via giant dino arm and the proper inspiration had come! I hope you all enjoy this pic as much as I enjoyed creating it.

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#Clarktoon Crossing #Clarktoons #Saura #Sarah Bosewick #Girasol Bosewick #Gigi #National Cartoonist Day #cartoon #dinosaur #dinosaur cartoon #dinosaur art #art #not ai generated #screw ai art #pull ups #exercise #sisters #original characters #Black Hispanic

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HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

Wow, two new pics in one year? Nobody could've expected this! Unlike that Total Solar Eclipse that happened earlier today. How wild was that? To think, we won't be seeing anything like that for another two decades. Absolutely crazy! Not to mention beautiful. Like hundreds of people I dared to venture outside with a set of paper glasses so I could stare up at the moon blocking the sun. Incredible as the moment was, it sadly didn't photograph well. Hence why I had to borrow this photo from a buddy of Mr-Herp-Derp. Thanks, random photographer who had that special lens made to document moments like this! You've made the Clarktoons' resident cosmic cutie very happy. Yes, of course Rosie Stardust had to stop by our neck of the multiverse to check this out. As always she was delighted to see what wonders the galaxy had to show.

Rosie: OH MY STARDUST! This is absolutely amazing! I mean look at that, the moon is actually blocking the sun! How incredible! Goodness me, isn't it stupendous how things like this can just happen? And so many of you get to share this experience for generations to come! When the next twenty years passes by, you can tell your loved ones how you were there to see the last one. Maybe by then they'll create filters for Terran phones so you can take a proper picture, Clark. Still, thanks for including me in such a special occasion. I hope the rest of you enjoyed it as much as I did!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#Rosie Stardust #Einstein Rosen Bridge #space #Eclipse #Eclipse 2024 #Clarktoon Crossing #originalcartoon #say no to ai art #solar eclipse

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HEY THERE PEOPLE OF TODAY AND ROBOTS OF TOMORROW! IT'S ME, CLARK!

On New Year's 2024 I vowed to myself that I'd be more productive than ever, streamlining all of my ideas and making a decent living on commissions. While doing that I figured I'd keep my creative muscles limber by posting the occasional DUDEL or Sketch BOOM every now and again. Now chances are these won't be a daily thing. There'll be some days when I'm just feeling too bushed to scribble my silly ideas down on paper or I'll be too busy binging the likes of Steven Universe or Burn Notice. Yes, I am fully aware that those two shows make for a weird combination. Just imagine Michael Westen trying to help out the Crystal Gems, I'd totally watch that. Then again, I have a weird imagination as this DUDEL is about to illustrate.

Christopher Robin had many companions living in the Hundred Acre Woods. Though perhaps none plushy pal holds as special a place in his heart as his dear friend Edward Bear, or Pooh for short. Pooh was not a bright bear. Solving complex equations or discuss the philosophies of Plato were of little use to one who has fluff where his brains would be. Luckily brains aren't required to be intelligent. Old Edward more than made up for this when it came to his immensely large heart. Weather is was protecting his pal Piglet from Jagulars, helping his friend Eeyore find his tail, or simply bouncing around with Tigger, Eddy was the bear everybody turned to. Including Matt Whimsy, the animation magician of Hollywood responsible for Freddy and Fiona Fox. He and his animation team at Whimsy Studios adapted the classic tales of this lovable teddy bear into a series of movies over the years that have outlived A.A. Milne, Matt Whimsy, and even Christopher Robin himself. Now today fans of the characters can meet them at Whimsyland in California whenever not riding Edward's Excellent Expedition, helping the gang from the woods find the fabled North Pole!

Maybe I can help them find it after completing an entire Sketch BOOM. This was meant to be the start of one right up until Rosie Stardust foiled my plans. Dang that Cosmic Cutie and her alien design! Having said that, expect more from my multiversal adventurer later. For now I couldn't let a good design go to waste. What prompted me to draw this was Whimsyland, my answer to the question of what is Brooklyn Nine Nine took place at a theme park instead of a police precinct. Realizing I needed more recognizable characters for this fictional park, I decided to go with the ones that were thankfully in the public domain. Really the challenge was coming up with a design that wasn't similar to those used my a certain company, which I think I succeeded in doing. What helped was going back to the original designs by E.H. Shepard and keeping to the simplistic mindset. My biggest hurtle was Pooh's attire since, despite wearing one in the original freak'n book, I couldn't dress him in a tiny red shirt. So instead I settled on a scarf to fit with his adventurous life style. Here's hoping we'll see more of Old Eddy, Piglet, and Tigger in the future. For now-

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

PS: Oh, you noticed the logo on the bottom, did you? We'll talk about that later...

#Clarktoon Crossing #Clarktoons #cartoons #Whimsyland #theme park #North Pole #bee #Winnie the Pooh #Tigger #Piglet #Edward Bear #sketch #honey #DUDELZ #E.H. Shepard

[clarktooncrossing]

Giraffe's Eye View: Christmas Specials Special (2023) | I'm Dreaming of a White Ranger

Chestnuts are roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost is nipping at your nose. Mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again. All the dogs in the neighborhood somehow learned to bark Jingle Bells in sync. Yet retail workers are still more annoyed with Mariah Carey. Snow is getting shoveled, tossed, and formed into sentient beings leading parades without permits. It makes for an excellent distraction as the Krampus abducts children for bad behavior. Fruitcake is exchanged only to find its permanent home in the garbage. Terrorists have hijacked the Holiday office party right before your boss can give you a Jelly of the Month Club membership as your bonus. And of course, the Turducken has returned to wreak its fiery vengeance upon an unsuspecting world! If all this doesn’t put you in the Christmas spirit, perhaps these following Holiday specials will!

Greetings people of today and robots of tomorrow! It is I, Santa Clark, your geeky giraffe friend with a deep love of Christmas! My obsession for the yuletide is rivaled only by Maleficent’s hatred for it, which is saying a lot considering she once teamed up with Mad Madam Mim to kidnap the literal Spirit of Christmas. Yes, that really happened. I know this due to my annual pilgrimage to the Island of Misfit Specials, home to obscure or nerdy festive media ranging from movies, TV episodes, and comics. It’s no easy journey. Constantly I find myself confronted by sinister snowmen, genocidal gingerbread men, and worst of all, crappy commercials. Getting stabbed in the foot by a candy-cane wielding cookie is one thing, but I swear I’ve seen that ad for Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium more times than I’ve seen Miracle on 34th Street! Sometimes at night I catch myself reciting that jingle. Wilbur’s White Elephant Gift Emporium: Where Christmas meets Convenience! Huh, maybe Maleficent had a point.

Nah, my deep-rooted appreciation for this time of year can weather even the most moronic marketing! It helps that most of the merry media I’ve seen have put me in the perfect Holiday mood! Examples include the time a Ninja Turtle found himself trapped in a truck full of stollen toys, a drunk department store Santa stumbling onto a wish-granting magic bag, Big Bird nearly becoming a popsicle, Gwenpool waking up in a world where Galactus took the place of jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, a terrifying tree stump trying to slaughter some saps over a stupid ship war, and the year when Death gave the Little Match Girl the greatest gift of all. Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all. That is, until I took my friends on a trip to the Island, tasking them to find me new, strange, seasonal specials to review! Some of them were fair, finding me festive favorites as comforting as coco in front of the fireplace. Others were fiendish, wanting to feed off my misery like Gremlins after midnight. Regardless of how naughty or nice my companions were, I’ve compiled all of their suggestions into a makeshift advent calendar! So stay tuned everyday until Christmas to see how badly my buddies can shred what little sanity I have left.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me...

Question: what happens when you combine Saved By The Bell with Shōwa-Era Godzilla? Answer: you get a beloved franchise that’s lasted for three decades. It worked for Power Rangers. This American adaptation of the Japanese series Super Sentai pits a pack of teens with attitude against rubber-suited monsters for the fate of the world, if not the whole universe. This series is a perfect byproduct of the 90s, featuring bright colors, silly special effects, and hoaky acting. It’s resulted in an entire generation of people who wanted to pilot the Dragonzord or suddenly appear in spandex upon shouting out, “IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!” One of these dorks is Hobo (Mr-Herp-Derp), still as obsessed with this franchise as Rita Repulsa is with conquering Earth. It’s no wonder why my mighty morphin’ buddy wanted me to check out I’m Dreaming of A White Ranger. Well actually he wanted me to watch something else, but that’ll be explained later. For now, what’s happening with our young heroes?

Every Ranger down in Angel Grove liked Christmas a lot. But Lord Zedd (Robert Axelrod), who lived up on the moon, did not. Lord Zedd hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season! Now please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be perhaps that his grill was too tight. It could be because those meddling kids kept foiling his plights. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. Or the writers were too lazy to think up any other reason. He’s evil, bah humbug! Yet his motivation is still more thought out than the Vizier’s. Unlike that purple punk, Zed had an idea. An awful idea. He had a wonderful, awful idea! I know what to do, the villain growled in his throat. He’d send his top henchmen Rito Revolto (Bob Papenbrook) and Goldar (Kerrigan Mahan) down to the North Pole to force all the elves to make mind-controlling tops.

My, what a lack of vision this menacing meatsack has. For starters, dude has a giant super weapon shaped like a dragon that can destroy planets. If you really hated the Holidays that much, find some batteries for the freak’n thing so it can annihilate the arctic! BOOM! Sandy Claws will be no more! Assuming that doesn’t work though, why tops? Unless you’re Jewish, what kid was asking for such a boring toy back in 1995? If the previous year’s Black Friday is any indication, youngsters are yearning for merch based on this show! Miniaturized Zords, plastic replicas of Sabba the White Tiger Sword, their own personalized Morphers, and action figures so they can force the Pink and Green Rangers to kiss! If the beefy bozo wanted to destroy the yuletide with a sense of irony, those elves would be assembling a batch of brainwashing Blue Ranger helmets!

Speaking of which, we catch up with our generic gaggle of goody two-shoes at Ernie’s Juice Bar, preparing a Holiday pageant for the underprivileged. Y’know, like every teenager totally used to do after school. Totally. Leading the local youth in song is Yellow Ranger Aisha (Karan Ashley) and Pink Ranger Kimberly (Amy Jo Johnson). Now if only they had picked some kids who could actually carry a tune. I guess all the ones who could were beamed over to the Command Center to help decorate. With singing this sour, I’m starting to root for Zed. One kid suffering from a similar mojo is Becky, worrying that her workaholic dad won’t be there to see her perform. Her worries are mirrored by Kim, her own parents parading around Paris presently. Aw, your poor punims. Turns out the one gift I forgot to give you was my empathy. Sorry if that sounds heartless, but I can’t bring myself to care. For starters, who the heck is Becky? At least The Flash used a pre-established player when forcing their festive drama down my throat. Unless this brat became a Ranger later on, her one-off plotline is pointless. Sure, being alone at this time of year is a bummer, but remember what show we’re watching right now. Obviously everything’s gonna be wrapped up with a pretty bow before the credits roll. That’s why when the families do finally arrive at the end, the most I can muster is dull surprise! A sentiment shared by Becky’s uncredited actress judging by her own reaction. Jeez, here’s hoping the action’s more exciting.

I freak'n wish. Having somehow pieced together their enemy’s plan, robot Alpha (Richard Steven Horvitz) and severed wizard head Zordon (David Fielding) beam our heroes to the North Pole, which looks considerably cheap. How much you wanna bet they shot this at some defunct Christian theme park? Regardless of the backdrop, the butt kicking will be a sight to behold! Or not. Due to multimodal reflection sorting, the Rangers can’t morph while at the workshop. Let me repeat that: they can’t morph! No suiting up sequence, Megazord, or Sentai footage. I have yet to discover a word in the English language to describe how lame this is. This is like getting a ride on the Polar Express only for them to take you to a drunken mall Santa! What’s even the point? Now I understand this episode's title, dreaming’s the closest we’re gonna get! Fortunately, Blue Ranger Billy (David Yost) realizes the same magic blocking their powers also affects their enemies. Thus Goldar and Rito are rendered helpless as our protagonists pull the most ingenious maneuver known to man: pelting them with snowballs! You magnificent bastards, I read your book! Said book being the same one Pinkie and Sunset wrote. It’s enough to send the lackies running back to a furious Zed, wondering if Christmas perhaps means a little bit more. Or why he hasn't stuffed these two twits into a space dumpster. At most they managed to screw up Santa’s schedule, but even that’s easily undone with the aid of the Rangers. Doesn’t that break some sort of Elf union laws? Probably explains why Saint Nick pays them with a big sack of toys instead of any actual money. Then again, that’s probably the most these actors ever made working on this show. Keep making it so the cast had to work at Burger King to afford their apartments! In the end the six return to Ernie’s with their bag full of goodies while Rito gives a gift to Goldar. Aw, now that’s nice! And more interesting than Becky’s subplot.

Despite how mighty this franchise normally is, this episode was mediocre. It’s no wonder why they stopped making these seasonal outings after Zeo, only to bring them back with Samurai. The writing was wooden, the sets were second-rate, and the acting was adequate at best. Really the worst aspect was how subdued everything was. Compared to what the Rangers have accomplished before and after, rescuing Kris Kringle feels surprisingly pedestrian. What would’ve helped is if the Rangers had taken on a larger threat or at the very least changed into their costumes. Maybe have Lord Zedd follow Hawkmoth’s example by corrupting Mr. Claus or have the festive fatman reveal his sled can change into a Zord! You'd get a crazy fight scene and a new toy to sell! Remember kids, subtlety is overrated! As it stands, I'm dreaming of something better than this. Luckily, Netflix has just what we need. Let me tell you a story about letters.

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[clarktooncrossing]

The Geekiest Giraffe is now on Tumblr!

Hey there people of today and robots of tomorrow!

My name is Clark and I come from the land of deviantART! Like so many people who've crossed over from that site to this, the dA Overlords have pissed me off with their recent decisions as of late. If only there was a Bob Iger equivalent to come along and strike them down as well. In any case, I've made this account as a back up and plan on cross-posting art on tumblr. I wish I could say I have all new art planned for this, but sadly I don't. Right now I'm knee-deep in Christmas projects featuring my colorful cast of characters called the Clarktoons, but come next year I should be able to post new stuff not related to the Holidays. For now though, here are some of my greatest hits from dA that you may have seen around the Internet:

Drew these back when Disney first bought Marvel in response to everyone complaining how the Mouse House would ruin the MCU, cuz fans will always do that. To this day they're still some of my more popular pics, which is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because it means people have seen my art and a curse because it gets more views than my original works. For the record, had I made this poster today, Star Butterfly would take Thor's place, Fenton Crackshell-Cabrera of the recent DuckTales reboot would replace Goofy as the Tony Stark stand-in, the cast of Phineas and Ferb would've made up the cast of Ant-Man, still not sure who Captain America would've been, Mickey would've had a more classic suit and would've been joined by Spinneret aka Minnie Mouse. Yes, I am a nerd, how can you tell?

If the two mice dressed as spiders didn't already give that fact away, here's a tribute I made for the recently deceased Kevin Conroy.

For the record, don't go thinking this account will comprise of nothin' but fan art. Like I said, I have my own characters to showcase too. In fact, here's a recent series I brought back called Panicked Turkey's Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving:

Now that Thanksgiving is over, my sights have turned to another set of birds...

If nothing else, all this should prove how wild and weird my imagination is. For all of you who already know me from deviantART, happy to see you again! For everybody just getting to know me, happy to meet the lot of you!

MAY THE GLASSES BE WITH YOU!

#ClarktoonCrossing #turducken #Panicked Turkey #disney #marvel #dc #kevin conroy #batman #spiderman #Clarktoons #Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Doves #cartoons #mickey mouse #minnie mouse #christmas #thanksgiving