#I genuinely am so exhausted and so fucking scared

[beauty-grace-outer-space]

Ok I've been dealing with a medical-ish thing and I'm fine and it's fine like it is objectively not harmful and whatever but it's absolutely tanked my mental health, like I want to fucking die. My OCD has kicked into high gear and it's been 2 months, 24/7 "is it worse? Should I be doing something? What if it's worse? What do I do?"

Which has sent my depression into overdrive with, "Yeah, like we said, life is ever increasing misery, your body fails one step at a time, and then you die! And you are such a freak show you don't even get to have any of the parts that supposedly make it worth it anyway! Congrats, fuck up!"

And I've been trying really hard to explain to the providers I've been seeing that I'm sorry, I know I'm crazy, I hate it too, but I can't turn my brain off and I'm scared all the time. I'm trying. I'm really, really trying, but I am scared and stressed and worrying all. the. time.

The problem is that everyone at that office has decided I'm crazy and to just ignore what I'm telling them instead of actually listening to me and honestly they're not wrong and I just feel trapped and defeated and like garbage all the time now.

#mental health #ocd #it speaks #for real this has been absolute hell #any time I am awake even if it's just for a few seconds in the middle of the night to like turn over in bed #immediately my brain is like “but is it worse? is it back? should I be doing something? how did I fuck up this badly?” #all. the. time. #like straight up psychological torture #I stress lost 6 pounds in 3 days because I couldn't fucking eat #I genuinely am so exhausted and so fucking scared #and I hate it so much #I hate myself #I don't want to exist

[girlcrushau]

#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/ #but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to. #until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you) #and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text. #i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in. #just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me. #im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest. #and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

[pepprs]

genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim

#purrs #delete later #covid19 #i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill / #immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in #any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy #for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the #throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more) #disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in #ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and #healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to #school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist #anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to #access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i #HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i #need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have #that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way #it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator. #* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear #for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in #part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I #think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[girlscience]

feeling alienated in much of my day to day life because of my body and the way I present myself (whether that identity comes down to trans or masc or gnc or something else entirely) and knowing I could talk about it with my friends but not knowing how to bring it up and also not being sure they'll get it because not many of them present the way I do but also maybe that's just a shitty bias I have and maybe I don't understand them and also many of them have other things that affect their experiences with the world that I don't have (mental illnesses, neurodivergencies, being a person of color, being fat, etc) and those would all leave them feeling alienated too so they might get the feeling but maybe not the source and also all those problems seem much more important than mine so maybe I should just shut up and not say anything.

#listen I just want to talk about the fact I am the only person who looks the way I do at my job #and the company has a very good mix of men and women but there is like a little joking divide between those two #and I always get put into the woman category but I feel so wildly out of place there #but I also don't think I'd feel comfortable in the men category and don't look like any of the men either #and I like my job a lot but I do feel just a little constantly out of place because of how I look and the way I act and the things I like #and I don't know what to do about it #and then also I am struggling with it with my family right now too #I genuinely can't think of a single family member who has never made some comment about either me and my appearance and identity directly #or has made comments about general communities I am part of #and so I don't feel very safe with my family even though I should be able to and even with the people who are super warm and loving #and I look so distinctly different from all of them and I always have #I've never really been able to hide this part of me the way some people can and it has made me different since I was a kid #and I have been fighting to be accepted for looking the way I do and acting the way I do since I was a kid and it's exhausting and scary #and now I want to get involved with my community and find people like me #but there's so much drama now around every version of my identity I could have and it sucks #and like I have no idea when I'm going to be able to even look into medical transitioning stuff #because I am so scared of my families reaction #but I don't know with the political environment if I'll be able to get those services when I feel comfortable and safe enough to do so #and that is fucking terrifying and heart renching #and I want to talk with someone who gets it and feels the way I do but I don't know how and complaining about this seems stupid #when most of my friends have other bigger problems and most of them are GOING THROUGH IT right now so so bad #and I don't want to add stressors to their lives if I can help it

[jimines]

.

#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name #but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing #so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently #and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after #no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two #i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page #and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me #because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from #after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought #because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends #trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ? #i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me.. #it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing #the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening #im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again #idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog #its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know? #im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid #i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case #i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why. #but i wont be going down alone thats for sure #c.text

[grimmthorne]

every single morning day and night I'm like what if I did something to upset someone. what if I didn't know that I did something and they've been holding it against me this whole time and I've just been acting stupid in front of them hoping that it's all fine when it's really not fine. ans then I go okay whatever and I throw everything in my brain onto the floor until I pass out with my phone in my hand.

#every dday i have a debilitating fear that i unknowingly wronged someone <3 it is currently stopping me from functioning #in my relationships normally <3 it is so fucking exhausting <3 #i am so so scared to death of every text i get when im sleeping. im scared its going to mean the end of smth. #it is genuinely impacting my ability to percieve myself as a good person hahahha!!! #it is fucking me up !!! lol!!!! #reminding myself that rhey have to come to me with those things is nearlh impossible #bc what if ive just been an asshole the whole time and now im going to lose someoen ! and they havent told me #bc they havent felt safe telling me! #i am so sick to death with anxiety over this every single day that its just a constant stream of thought #evwry text rhat feels scary to me now comes with a popup that says they fucking hate you. die. and i cant close the tab but i can move the #window #but it just stays

[blue-jisungs]

fighting with them ♡

author's note. my very poor attempt on angst written in june 2023 LMAOOOOO enjoy!! (do not ask me why am i posting it now, i dont know either.)

making up after a fight - here !

┆彡 CHAN [ 찬 ]

chan couldn’t put a finger on it but there was something going on with you lately. from all of the people in the world he knew the best how life can get overwhelming sometimes. you were there for him during his hardships of being an idol… and a human being, in general.

and clearly, you were going through something too. but you didn’t say a word and even seemed to avoid him.

you arrived home late at night on one friday, a heavy sigh escaping your lips. chris is probably… working. so you you can easily sneak into your bedroom without him noticing you, right?

“y/n”

you turned around and saw him in the hallway, hair messed up and glass of water in his hand. his face lit up upon seeing you, however you could sense the weird tone of his voice.

“hi chris. i’ll go to sleep” you mumbled, taking off your shoes

“wait, can we talk? i know it’s late but i feel like nowadays we’re roommates, not a couple” he said. here it is. you let out another sigh

“i had a lot on my head today, can we not?” you grunted, leaving your bag on the floor.

“that’s the thing, y/n. there’s something going on and you just won’t tell me. and when we’re gonna talk when not now? you avoid me, let’s face it” chris continued, voicing out his worries. you knew.

“i’m sorry, okay? it’s just… i don’t want to talk right now and…” you pinched the bridge of your nose, earning a scoff from chan.

“you never want to talk, apparently. relationships are build on trust and communication. and i get the feeling you don’t trust me at all” his voice got a little louder but not to the range of shouting.

“listen, i–“ you started, genuine exhaustion feeling your body. you were afraid to snap and that’s the last thing you wanted to do. especially right now, especially at chris. but if it continues–

“i’m tired of your excuses, y/n! let me help you, talk to me, anything–“ chris pleaded and before you realised, it happened.

“can you shut the fuck up? i told you i’m tired! we’ll talk once you stop interrupting me for god’s sake!”

the realisation sank in as you watched chan’s features change with pain. his jaw tensed, eyes becoming cold.

“sure… i’m sorry. good night” he huffed, his steps leading him back to his studio.

your eyes watered, heart shattering into millions of pieces. you fucked up.

changing into your pyjamas you fell asleep on the couch, feeling like a burden in your own bed. your and chris’. and above all, you felt strange and empty, trying (and failing miserably) to fall asleep without him by your side.

┆彡 MINHO [ 민호 ]

you approached lino quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist from behind. he jolted a bit by your sudden appearance, the wooden spoon falling out of his hand.

“oh, sorry baby. how are you today?” you hummed when minho with a grumpy face grabbed the spoon.

“you’re so fucking clingy sometimes…” he grunted, causing your eyes to widen “get off me”

the coldness of his voice made you a bit scared, backing away. minho continued with his cooking task.

“like a literal baby, i swear. let me breathe for once, is this too much to ask for?” he snapped, not even looking at you.

you understood, of course you did. when you started dating minho he wasn’t too big on skinship but… he never spoke like that to you in general or about this.

“okay. i’m sorry” you mumbled, trying not to show how hurt you got by his words “i’ll be in the bedroom”

he didn’t even say anything. you held your tears and walked away, only letting them go once you were buried in your duvet.

┆彡 CHANGBIN [ 창빈 ]

you let out a deep sigh, massaging your temples. changbin was looking at you with straight face, the tense silence between you two constantly interrupted by your group chat exploding with notifications.

“y/n, for the millionth time. they don’t deserve you, they literally treat you like shit” he grunted, glancing at your phone and reading the last message “'y/nnie we’re sorry, the date just slipped my mind', are you kidding me? what kind of an excuse is that?”

the thing was that your friends stood you up, again. lately they do that all the time but you know that they’re busy, just like you.

“a normal one! do i have to remind you the times you forgot about our dates? or i did? we’re humans, we forget things. and they’re my friends, they wouldn’t stand me up! we already rescheduled for tomorrow” you hissed “stop talking shit about my friends!”

“i’m not!” changbin whined “it just pisses me off because they meet up without you! don’t tell me you don’t know that!”

“i don’t because they don’t do that! stop accusing them!” you yelled, surprised by yourself. changbin sighed, his tongue poking the side of his cheek

“fine. just don’t run crying to me when you get stood up again, probably tomorrow” he huffed, crossing his arms

“i won’t!” you grunted, grabbing your phone and walking away to your bedroom.

┆彡 HYUNJIN [ 현진 ]

your boyfriend came home, a loud slam of his bag hitting the floor lighting a red lamp in your head. there was no usual, cheerful “hi baby!” or “i’m home!” coming from him.

hyunjin stepped into the kitchen, ignoring you, and poured himself some water.

“hi hyune” you hummed, approaching him. he mumbled something incoherent back, eyes everywhere but on you. you sighed quietly, shaking your head “how was your day?”

“awful, i’m exhausted” he grunted, poking his cheek with his tongue

“i’m sorry to hear that… here’s some food, i grabbed it from work. let me just finish heating it up” you hummed, smiling softly “and later if you want we can watch a movie?”

“just… i need some time alone. i’m tired, y/n. i know you wouldn’t get it because i’m an idol, i dance and work for the whole day but i just need to rest, okay?” hyunjin grunted, making you halt.

“what do you mean i wouldn’t get it?” you frowned, turning your gaze at him

“you’re… well, you’re not an idol. can i just-?” he spat out, running out of patience.

“oh, so i can’t feel exhausted? i know that working as a cleaning lady is not as mighty as being an idol, but it’s tiring as well” you said slowly, trying not to lose your temper.

“yeah, sure” he scoffed.

your eyes widened, genuine hurt breaking your heart.

“i’ll eat it later, don’t mind heating it up” he grunted and before he waddled away to the bedroom, he heard your murmurs.

“it’s for me… and you don’t mind talking to a filthy cleaning lady later…”

┆彡 JISUNG [ 지성 ]

han was watching you for the past fifteen minutes, tongue poking the side of his cheek. you seemed to have fun while chatting with the other guy. way too much fun.

he just let out a sigh and took a sip of his drink. he hated it. he hated that he had to go to this party, that someone spilled a drink over him, that the food sucked and that you… you were ignoring him.

you let out a laugh and shook your head. the guy who you were talking to, beomgyu, patted your head with a grin.

suddenly you felt a hand on your arm, squeezing it. you turned around and saw jisung and his… tensed jaw.

“oh ji! i was wondering where you were! this is beomgyu, jeongin’s friend…” you smiled and beomgyu greeted your boyfriend with a happy smile

“we need to talk” han just grunted and walked away. you shrugged and beomgyu sent you a questioning look.

following jisung outside, where the weather wasn’t too pleasant, you rubbed your arms and enjoyed the silence.

“what’s up?” you asked, tilting your head.

“are you seriously asking me 'what’s up?'… y/n… you’ve been having the time of your life with that guy” he hissed, crossing his arms.

“beomgyu? what do you mean? we were just talking, that’s all” you scoffed, not fully understanding what he meant.

“please, y/n. you two were flirting! it’s unbelievable” he snarled, his voice raising dangerously.

“jisung, you know i only love you. i was just talking with him because he–“ you started

“cut the bullshit. it’s good to know you had fun at the party but i’m going home. have fun flirting with him” he bursted out, walking away

“jisung, what the fuck?!” you called but he didn’t stop “what do you want me to say? i… i seriously! you can ask him! i wasn’t saying anything–“

entering the room again filled his ears with music, jisung didn’t catch the way your voice broke down. legs leading him towards the exit, he noticed beomgyu watching him shocked.

┆彡 FELIX [ 필릭스 ]

you drummed your fingers on the table nervously, giving the waiter an apologetic look. he walked up to you, sighing.

“i’m sorry ma’am but if you’re not planning on ordering something i’ll have to ask you to leave…” he said. you nodded, grabbing your purse

“i understand” you said and paid for the two glasses of water you ordered earlier.

“i’m sorry” the waiter mumbled, causing blood to flow to your cheeks. you shook your head and left, dialling your boyfriend’s number for the seventh time this night.

“–yeah, i know, right?! what’s up, y/n?” felix answered, the voices in the background becoming quieter.

“where are you?” you asked bluntly, crossing your arms

“i’m at changbin’s, why?” he asked confused

“why? well maybe because i was waiting for you like an idiot for the past two hours? why didn’t you pick up your phone earlier?” you spat out, voice starting to shake

“what are you talking about?” felix grunted

“our date, felix! like the third one you missed because allegedly you were busy? are you doing this on purpose or what?” you huffed, sitting down on a nearby bench.

“i was busy, y/n! i admit, today i forgot but we made plans with guys earlier and i just…” he trailed off.

“you just forgot. again. i don’t have any more patience or strength for that, felix. don’t you see that? you’re prioritising work over me” your voice broke, nails digging into your knees “if it keeps happening–“

“y/n… don’t say that! you know i���m busy, i’m an idol! what did you expect?” felix scoffed.

“i expected my boyfriend to be present in my life, you know? i understand that you’re an idol, i respect that and i support it… i just wish you were there for me, felix. do you even know i got fired yesterday?” you asked and were met with silence “exactly. now… have fun at changbin’s, say hi to the boys. i’m not coming back tonight”

with that you hung up, chest thumping in your chest. well, you’re going to have a sleepover at your best friend’s… again.

┆彡 SEUNGMIN [ 승민 ]

you hummed happily, just getting off the phone with your mom. entering the kitchen you noticed seungmin with his glasses atop of his nose, reading something.

“hey, seungmo! do you have any plans on weekend?” you asked. he shook his head as a no “great! my parents are visiting, then”

he groaned, making you frown.

“what?” you asked, crossing your arms.

“again?” he finally looked up at you, fixing his glasses.

“what do you mean again? they visited us like, month ago!” you shook your head

“it’s just… tiring” he mumbled, playing with the hem of the paper he was reading

“tiring? they’re my parents, seungmin. and it’s hard for them too. they’re still getting used to living in korea, i know how that felt and besides, you should get used to it” you huffed

“okay, so? can’t you just go on your own? i wanted to practice, i could use some time alone” seungmin grunted. you bit your lip, looking down. did he just… did not like your parents? you couldn’t lie, it hurt you.

“fine. have fun then because i guess i’ll leave earlier, since you could use some time alone” you murmured

“are you angry at me?” he asked, some kind of mockery in his voice

“yeah, i am! do you not like them? why didn’t you tell me earlier?” the question made him scoff

“i just don’t feel like going, geez! just go, you’re being annoying today…” he grunted, reassuming his previous task.

you mumbled a soft oh and left your place right away, not bothering to pack. your parents have some clothes of yours at their place either way.

┆彡 JEONGIN [ 정인 ]

you watched jeongin text someone with a huge grin on his face, fingers quickly tapping against the screen of his phone. letting out a deep sigh, you reassumed watching the show.

“wait, why’d you start?” he asked suddenly, putting his phone away

“i asked you like, five times if i can start already” you grunted, not looking at him

“sorry, i was…” he hummed, hesitant “…texting someone”

“who was it?” you asked, not really caring about the weight of the question…

“no one important” he huffed. now, his answer made you confused. anxiety slowly creeping into your heart, you looked at him

“why’d you answer like that? i’m sure that person wouldn’t be too happy to hear that” you joked lightly. jeongin just shrugged, letting out an annoyed sigh. there was a sound of door opening somewhere in the dorm.

“can we just watch?” he asked coldly.

you fell quiet, mind racing with thoughts. if you think about it, you caught him texting and smiling like a teenage girl a couple of times this week. and he always quickly turned off his phone once you were near him. what was it?

“oh, hi you two!” you heard changbin’s voice. you turned around to wave at him and he waved back, then turning your eyes again at the screen “oi, jeongin-ah, did eunjeong text you back?”

your eyes widened upon hearing the name. eunjeong. jeongin’s ex.

you looked at him, his face immediately dropping. you sent a death glare to changbin that only now realised what he said. but that meant… he knew.

“you’re texting her? your ex?” you asked, crossing your arms. jeongin sighed, trying his best not to roll his eyes.

“and what if i am, geez! it’s not that serious, y/n” he grunted, looking at you.

“for me it is, jeongin. you know i have trust issues… and i don’t trust her, especially! besides, you told me you blocked her…?” you asked, heart racing abnormally fast.

“i lied, okay? because you’re so sensitive about everything, just like now! yes, i’m texting eunjeong and honestly, i don’t regret it! she’s fun, okay? we broke up on a good terms” he grunted. you stood up, walking away “where are you going?!”

“i need to think” you hissed, passing changbin by

“that’s exactly what i was talking about… god, such a crybaby over nothing” jeongin murmured, grabbing his phone.

before he could open up a chat with eunjeong, he heard a loud door slam.

masterlist <3

taglist. @primoppang ,, @l3visbby ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @slytherinshua ,, @kazmura ,, @nicholasluvbot ,, @ameliesaysshoo ,, @weird-bookworm ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @litepowee ,, @ocean-minho ,, @lessthanpast ,, @s-e-s-a-I-e-n-e ,, @fire-08 ,, @eternalgyu ,, @haecien

#skz #skz fluff #stray kids #stray kids fluff #skz stay #skz imagines #skz changbin #skz fanfic #skz felix #skz hyunjin #skz scenarios #skz bang chan #skz jeongin #jisung skz #skz minho #seungmin skz #skz reactions #skz x stay #skz x y/n #skz x you #skz x reader #skz drabbles #skz soft hours #skz angst #skz seungmin #stray kids scenarios

[bewby]

.

#* **** ** **. good night!!!!!!!!!!! #🤣🤣🤣😂........ ahfjcjfbf #omg it'll never ever get better i should really just kill myself. JYJYHYH #i hate it so much i hate that i have to work snd i feel my brain die. when i just wanna put my energy into growing as a person #ever since i have this job there's just this delay in everything and i need to genuinely quit to Move Forward.but yeah overall i'm just like #lol. like what. do i ido. ifeel stupud #my brain is soooo. fucked like i literally tjink i'll get like alzheimers at age 27 or something and i have no energy to even talk to people #it's . exhausting me and it worries me because i wnanan connect to people and i wanna BE SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY LIKE . intelligent and good #at things and is not just Wasting Her Life Kxjxhdjdj #i know i'm just trying to survive and that's the best i can give . but what if it stays like this forever #i odn't wanna jsut survive and do nothing with my life because of it. i want to be alive. i haven't felt connected to myself since so long #aujfcjfhshs. Ajfjahajdjd #i really miss my ex too i miss him so much but i am so scared that i can't even talk to him bwcause i've gotten worse. he will just be like #i hope you can get better soon. god i just wanna be okay now. i'm tonna cry #i hate everything like everythings pissing me off i'm becoming so miserable #i know i shoudl be loved snd appreciated even at my worse but i don't think people can rven reach me anymore (?) even if i want them to #because i feel. so exhausted. just existing. jfjdjdjdhdjsjsakajid #Agghhiufdjj. okay sleeping now #verbalizing feelings is so exhausting too. but i need to try doing this #i'm actually so afraid of what is happening to my brain like it's not funny y djdhdhjdjdhd

[the-modern-typewriter]

wgshdwgd im sorry if youre not accepting snippet reqs </333

but could i req you write abt a villain who *everyone* is genuinely terrified of. and then the hero just politely tells them to shut the fuck up. like, villain could be monologuing or smth and hero would cut them off saying that they would really appreciate it if villain could finish up in the next hour or so because they dont want to miss bargain day at the supermarket.

uwah im sorry if i broke any rules </33 stay safe its a crazy world out there <333

"-Could you please just shut up?"

There was a moment of absolute, horrified silence. One man promptly fainted. Nobody seemed to breathe for a few seconds.

The villain turned, slowly, towards the protagonist.

They were on their knees on the floor, surrounded by armed guards ready to execute the various staff still in their building. Their expression was one of exhausted long-suffering, one hand pinching the bridge of their nose as if to stave off a headache.

"Excuse me?" the villain asked, oh so softly.

"Will you please stop talking?" The protagonist dropped their hand, levelling the villain with a look. "Like, if you're going to slaughter the lot of us, just do it, don't make us listen to the spiel first. It's been forty five minutes."

"Are you so eager to die?"

"No. But if I'm going to die, I think I'd like to get it over with. Otherwise, I'd like to just go about my day. I need to buy food before the shop closes and takeaway costs a fortune. I mean, bloody hell. Forty five minutes. Do you really think anyone here is listening?"

The villain stared.

"Like, not to be rude," the protagonist said. "But they're all scared out their minds. They are not processing the finer points of your monologue. It's just so unnecessary."

"I could cut out your tongue and feed it to you."

"You don't have anything better to do?"

"I could cut out their tongues," the villain swept a hand around the room, "and feed them to you. That sorts out dinner, doesn't it?"

"I mean, I'm vegan, and not a cannibal, but I appreciate you're more concerned with being menacing than actually addressing the issue."

The villain stared some more.

The protagonist stared back.

"The data I need is still downloading," the villain said, after a long moment. "If I let you leave, someone will do something stupid like try and call the police."

"Sure, sure. But the monologue."

"You don't enjoy the sound of my voice?"

"I wouldn't take it too personally. It's been a week. Bit overstimulated, to be honest. Anyone's voice right now feels a bit like a cheese grater on my nerve endings."

"A bit like a cheese grater."

"No offense."

The villain blinked at them, slow and somewhat incredulous. "A cheese grater."

The protagonist shrugged.

"I'm assuming you didn't miss who I am in the last forty five minutes," the villain said.

"No."

"And yet."

"It's not that you're not terrifying," the protagonist said. "I just - forty five minutes. Humans aren't set up to be this stressed for forty minutes. My head is killing me. Processing all this - if you don't kill us - is going to be hard enough without having to fit in all the life admin I'm not currently getting done."

"Come here."

"...what?"

The villain crooked a finger to beckon the protagonist forward.

The protagonist swallowed, eyeing the villain warily, but didn't make them ask again. With a glance at the armed henchmen, they shuffled forwards to the spot the villain had gestured at their feet.

"You know," the villain said, "it's been a very long time since anyone has talked back to me."

"Sorry. I'm really not trying to be rude."

"No," the villain mused, head tilting with something alarmingly like curiosity as the protagonist came to a stop. "You're really not, are you? Turn."

"...turn?"

The villain gestured again, to indicate that the protagonist should face away from them.

"...You can't just give me all the orders at once? I get this is more dramatic, but I probably wouldn't be trying your patience as much if-"

The villain seized the nape of the protagonist's neck, like scruffing a kitten, making their breath catch.

Everyone watched for the inevitable torment. The punishment. The kill.

The villain's fingers dug into the knots of tension in the protagonist's neck, power sparking up the touch.

The protagonist sagged. "Holy shit," they breathed.

"Better?"

"Um. I mean - yes - but -"

"Good." The villain glanced up to the henchmen. "Shoot everyone else."

"What? Wait - no -"

The sound was deafening.

Then the silence was, once again, absolute.

"You didn't have to do that," the protagonist whispered. "I didn't mean - if I offended you -"

"Oh, you didn't, don't worry. That's why you're still alive. Tell me about yourself."

The villain's grip stayed unrelenting on the back of the protagonist's neck, holding them securely in place.

"T-tell-?"

"We still have ten minutes," the villain said, in a tone of great patience, "before the download completes. Tell me about yourself. I shouldn't be the one doing all the talking, after all. It's very rude of me, isn't it?"

Hesitantly, the protagonist talked, watching the blood pool on the floor. What else was there to do?

The computer finally gave a quiet beep to indicate that the download was complete.

"Good. Very good." The villain gave the protagonist's neck another gentle enough squeeze. "Now. Let's go grocery shopping," the villain said cheerfully. "Up you get. Dinner's on me."

#heroes and villains #antagonist and protagonist #writing #story #writing snippet #villains #villain

[helluvapoison]

hey there :3 it’s like 5 am here and I’m being plagued with ✨ideas✨

imagine if Adam had a thing for a demon! reader, like it doesn’t matter if they’re hellborn or a sinner or whatever, he can’t muster up any genuine disgust upon seeing them, and he fucking hates it. And the reader’s not too thrilled either because yeah sure he’s hot under the mask but they can’t really say the same for his personality (bonus if the reader has black feathered wings)

pleas and thank you

Hate Heart

Adam x Demon!Reader

He wouldn’t be opposed to a one night stand with someone from Hell (imho) Hit it and quit it, that’s his motto! Feelings though? Christ on a stick, demon or not, that’s something else entirely

ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʕ•̫͡•ʔ•̫͡•ʔ

• Adam can’t fucking stand this game of cat and mouse game that he never signed up to play

• It’s not subtle either because there’s no way for you to accidentally bump into him up in Heaven, he’s always coming to seek you out

• He always thought the itch to see you would subside, that eventually you’d leave his system and become nothing more than a faded memory

• Except he couldn’t seem to forget your face— and trust him, he’s tried just about everything you can think of to speed up that process

• Lute would turn on him in two seconds flat if she knew

• Sera would never let him lead exterminations again, she would scold him for not cutting off the infection before it could fester. Was Lucifer not example enough?

• Her threat to send him to you permanently should have scared him enough but it didn’t. Even though he knew she had a point, he already thought of that!

• You’re from Hell, your very existence is the epitome of everything he should hate and be disgusted by!

• And the sentiment was very much mutual

• Adam took extreme pleasure in killing Hell’s inhabitants (which, wildly, isn’t the biggest red flag about him!?)

• Somehow you were excluded from that category and placed in one all on your own. A tomorrow problem that was repeated daily

• “If you hate me so much maybe you should stop saving me, asshole.”

• “Keep bitching, maybe I will.” He growls back with as much venom as he could muster

• His actions scream the opposite. He’d never. The thought alone twists his heart awkwardly, filling him with urgency to make sure you’re safe rather than do what he came down to do

• Much to your dismay, Adam finds you every couple of months. “To make sure you’re still alive,” he claims, but proceeds to hang around for as long as he can

• It’s exhausting, he’s exhausting

• But then he leaves… and you miss him

#hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel imagine #hazbin hotel headcanon #hazbin hotel adam headcanon #hazbin hotel adam imagine #hazbin hotel adam x reader #that got angsty whoops #poiboiwrites

[pepprs]

im discontent and tired but like too discontent and tired to put it into words i think. lol

#purrs #prefacing this as usual by saying that i love my job. but also… every single situation. EVERY situation. is a primal situation in one way. l #like either i am dying of hunger / thirst / sleep deprivation and feeling it so hard i can’t focus on my work or i am so stressed that i am #being chased into a hidey hole by all the pressures or i am projecting my parents onto ppl and reliving primal moments of abaondoment and ex #exclusion LMFAO. And it’s like there’s no wonder i am so fucking exhausted every day when i come home i have lived 746 lifetimes in the last #8-9 hours. but it’s just so insane and im so tired. i literally thought i was gonna have an anxiety attack earlier today and it was bc i had #health anxiety bc my heart was pounding so hard over my facilitation anxiety that i got scared my heart was legitimately going to give out a #and then i started spiralling and like. lol i don’t think that’s healthy. i just want the election to be over so fucking bad but also i cant #just throw up my hands and give up and hope for the best i am literally being paid to give everything i have to making the world better so i #im gonna do it it’s just i am so often like the youngest and least experienced person in the room and im insecure about that and also i am j #just scared like… as a person and it’s just a lot to deal with i guess. lol #guess i was able to put it into words lol. but the moments of me projecting shit are so annoying bc then i get mad and then my feelings get #hurt bc no one notices im mad but also i don’t want anyone to notice im mad bc im being stupid for literaly no reason so. idk im just #ear ripped tated right now over stupid stupid shit that genuinely does not matter and has no bearing but when it’s little things that build #up over the course of the day… idk. it’s just hard 💃🏻 #delete later #this is abt smth that happened in a meeting today brw it’s not abt anyone including irls i saw today / this week i love u 😽 #also side note i saw literally SO many of the ppl closest to me this week. like that used to be an almost every day occurrence and i think t #this week not only did i see… like not to name drop on my tumblr blog with redacted followers but not only did i see you markya and #david but i saw tirzah AND brandon AND radia. WTF!!!!! that’s so many of my favorite people all in one week!!!! :DDDDDDD #(omg pretend i put ‘you’ after all the ppl it applies to)

[s-4pphics]

scent of the pine. finale (e.w.)

it took me almost 90k words to realize i am in fact not a good proofreader 

wc;cw: 8k, sistersbestfriend!ellie, gutarist/producer!ellie, violinist!oc, age gap(three years), all ocs r black coded <3, some angst, light smut sorry whores😓 MDNI, fingering, eating out no olive garden, dirty talk, mentions of squirting, finger sucking, more love and more sad😐, underage smoking/drinking, corny

You were back home, standing in front of your sister’s apartment door with a small happy birthday! teddy bear. 

You were finally seeing your sister for the first time in months, and while you were elated to finally speak to her, you were horrified to spill that you and Ellie were together and happy. 

You could still hear your best friend's gentle consoling before she left after you handed her two small baggies of potent bud before dropping you off: Girl… this is family we’re talking about; you’re freaking out for no reason! 

You hadn’t knocked on her door yet; You just stood there as your nerves skyrocketed, making sure to take deep breaths and reassure yourself that she didn’t despise you. 

She reached out! She wants to see you! Everything is going to be fine!

You tried to convince yourself to believe it, but anxiety was still building in the pit of your stomach. What would she say? What would you say? Was this teddy bear enough to be a peace offering? Did she even want peace with you! You should’ve brought her fucking weed like you did your friends! 

Just knock! Just knock, just knock, just knock! —

The door pulling open gently scared you. You looked into your sister’s… exhausted eyes for the first time since you fought. You could’ve broken down at the sight of her right then, but you held your composure. For her sake. She looked seconds away from breaking. 

It's like she hadn’t slept in weeks: dark, half-lidded eyes, pajamas askew, hair matted, her nails weren’t even done! She was a complete wreck, and guilt washed over you in a drowning wave. Don’t cry, don’t cry—

“… Hey.” 

She spoke first in a broken tone, and it crash-landed you back down to Earth. You took a deep breath before whispering, “Hi.” 

You watched her look down at the stuffed animal in your hands, and a pitiful smile appeared on her face, “That for me?”

You could only nod stiffly as you clenched the furry object’s side in your hands. She nodded back before moving to the side to allow you entry. You swiftly inspected her space from where you stood: it was clean—which was a good sign!—but it felt dull. The silence made it feel lifeless, unlived in. It didn’t feel like the home you came to know when you spent nights here. 

You gently brushed past her and she shut the door behind you before walking into her kitchen. You kicked your shoes off as she took a seat at the small dining table, and you followed, sitting directly across from her and propping your small gift against the wall. 

“It’s cute, thank you,” she said softly as her eyes flicked between you and the bear. 

“Of course.” 

Your sister's eyes closed briefly at your response as she twiddled with her crossed hands. She looked so… tense, a bit on edge, and it made your heart pound nervously. 

“Guess we got some things to talk about.” 

You nodded at her and took a deep breath. Tell her! You need to tell her!

“Ellie’n I are together… like dating,” you said abruptly, but with confidence. Your sister’s eyes darted around the room as she nodded slowly. She looked at you again, her expression unreadable. 

“How long.” 

Your eyes connected with the table, staring holes through the glass and into the floor as your voice cracked, “We, um… I saw her last year on New Years… like, for the first time since everything happened. Uh, at the bar, she was there. And we’ve been… talking ever since. But uh, now we’re dating… like officia—“

“How was Cali.” 

She cut you off quietly. Confusion rushed through you at her genuinely curious tone. You were shitting bricks all the way over here and now she’s asking how your trip went? “F-Fine? It was fun.” 

You heard her hum quietly, “Does mom know about you two?” 

… Where was she going with all this? 

“Um, not yet. She will soon, I guess.” 

You didn’t look at her, but you heard her sigh heavily after some silence passed, “Still love her? Even after everything?” 

You looked up at her, staring into her casted eyes and nodded surely, no hesitation. She looked down into her lap and shifted in her seat. 

She was silent for a while, the only sound filling the quaint room being her jittery tapping on the table and your unsteady breaths. The anticipation for her response was killing you. 

I love you so much. Please don’t make me choose. She makes me so happy. I love you!

Her voice cracked as she spoke. You almost didn’t hear her, but your ears were too perked, too eager. Her barely coherent words made your heart pause in your chest. 

“Me, too.” 

You couldn’t stop the shock in your expression before your tears built. The last time your sister and Ellie saw each other, she nearly ripped her head off her body. And now she’s saying that she misses her? What the hell is going on?!

“W-What d’you mean?” you choked out, your head shaking in confusion.

Tears fell down her face as she propped her chin up with her hand, her gaze cast downward like she was embarrassed, “I really miss h-her.” 

“… But, but you almost— “

“I know,” you’ve never heard her sound so unsure. “I know what I said, I know what I did but I can’t help it! Whenever I see her, I wanna cry. I miss her so fu-fucking bad.” 

She was hysterically sobbing at this point, and you instantly got up out of your seat to comfort her. You wrapped your arms around her near trembling frame, and her arms came around to wrap around your hips as she cried into your stomach, wailing out apologies to you. You couldn’t verbally console her over your own choked wails, but you hope she knows you’d forgiven her months ago. 

It sounded like she was unleashing weeks of pent-up emotions, and all you could do was hold her tightly. 

You were here for her in any way she needed. 

You and your sister moved to the couch after she calmed down. 

“I was just so… angry. And sad. I felt so cornered when I walked in because everyone was staring at me and… I went into defense-mode immediately. I had, like… tunnel vision on her,” she explained as she picked at the loose threads of the cushion. “I regretted it the second I got in my car… but it doesn’t even matter, now.” 

You shook your head, “Why wouldn’t that matter?” 

She shrugged, “Do you seriously think she’s gonna give a fuck about me feeling bad for almost beating the shit outta her? She’s probably put a restraining order on me the second it happen—“

“No, she didn’t! That’s not true,” you said incessantly. “D’you seriously think I would lie about her wanting to apologize to you? She misses you just as bad as you miss her, regardless of whatever the hell happened that night!” 

You could tell your sister didn’t believe you fully, but you saw a smidge of hopefulness shine in her eyes when she looked up at your reasoning. You continued, “You weren’t there for the conversations we had about you. She misses you. Everyone fucking misses you! You’re just… stubborn and you… don’t get that for whatever reason.”

You sighed, “Me talking to them behind your back wasn’t right, and I know that. I… we still feel terrible about it! But… we’re not your enemies. They all want you happy a-and present just as badly as I do! Especially Dina.” 

You saw tears jerk in her eyes at the mention of the brown-eyed girl, a sad smile appearing on her face, “She texted me happy birthday earlier.” 

“Because she cares!” You placed your hands on your sister's slouched shoulders as you forced her to stare deeply into your eyes. “Please promise me that you’ll talk to Ellie. No matter what the outcome is.” 

Silence filled the room, and your heart pounded in your ears. 

Please. Please, please please—

“… I promise.” 

You sighed in relief and pulled her into the tightest hug you could manage. She fell back onto the couch, and you climbed on top of her. She huffed out a laugh as you kissed all over her cheeks and head. 

“When did you get so persuasive,” she snickered at you, trying to dodge your affection. 

You smiled through your dry cheeks. “I don’t know, I’m just that great, I guess!”

She laughed harder before looking up at you with admiration, “I love you. So much.”

You saw her eyes glisten, just like yours did… again. Just two crybabies!

“I love you more.” 

It was almost midnight when your sister dropped you off at your mom’s house. 

You spent the rest of the day with her: you both laughed, cried, apologized, you even told her about your YouTube channel. She was shocked, then joyous, then pissed! 

Why the fuck didn’t you tell me, I coulda ran your likes up ages ago! 

You sent her your channel, and she laughed at your name as she subscribed. You hoped she, and all your other supporters, enjoyed the gift you planned to post soon. 

Before you left Los Angeles, Ellie handed you a small, green flash drive before you went into the security check. She instructed you to wait till you get home to listen to it. And don’t tell me what you think, I’m shy!

You were so tempted to inspect the drive on the plane, but you refrained. You were finally back in your room after making up with your sibling, plugging the drive into your laptop on your bed with heavy anticipation. 

Multiple files popped up with different titles like uhh take 1, lalalala, trash this lol, and skippideedoobop. You were very… confused, but you couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped you as you went through the silly names she gave her documents.  

Until you reached the last one titled i luv u. 

You opened it curiously, and your laptop's media player popped up. You pressed the large, blue play button in the middle of your screen, your girlfriend’s raspy voice filling the silent space of your room. You instantly smiled.

“Hiii… I literally just realized how awkward this is, what the fuck,” she laughed; She sounded so nervous. “Uhh, so… I made you something. Wrote you something, I guess. I’ve been working on it for a while but, like… I’m a pussy and I never told you.” 

Her sheepish laughs surrounded you, “I was gonna be gay’n give it to you on your birthday but… I couldn’t wait that long, I was too fuckin’ nervous. You’re coming to Cali in a few days, and I finally finished it so I could give it to you when you get here… sooo, yeah, please don’t fucking laugh… I love you.” 

Tears were already falling down your face at her gentle tone, but when the strums of her acoustic started up, you sobbed. 

You listened closely to the melodies as you cried, her soft voice confessing words of her affection and adoration for you. The entire song was almost seven minutes, some parts of it being filled with her declarations of how much she missed you when you left, while others were simply emotional thrums from her instrument. Your eyes squeezed shut as your tears fell.

The song ended quicker than you liked, so you replayed it. And then replayed it again. And then again. 

Your eyes were red, and your nose was running when you finally closed the audio tab and inspected the other files. They were filled with all the other versions of her song that she “trashed”. Some takes were of her cringing when her voice cracked or screaming when one of her strings broke. Motherfucking son of a bi— before the audio cut off. You laughed wetly. 

But then you checked the dates for when the files were made, and your tears started back up again. 

They dated all the way back to January. She’d been working on this for almost seven months, and it tore your heart to pieces in the best way possible. 

You sobbed quietly—your mom was sleeping! — and your body shook as your love for her rocked you. 

You yearned for her terribly when she wasn’t with you, and it hurt even more knowing that she felt the same. 

Your cries calmed eventually, and you reached for your phone to open the texts between you and your girlfriend. 

You sent her a message before plopping back down onto your pillows, new tears seeping into your hairline. 

i love you more. 

Ellie returned at the start of August, and you were so thrilled to finally see her. 

You, Dina, and Jesse were parked in front of her terminal as you excitedly waited for her—and Duchess! — to walk through the automatic doors. 

Your girlfriend, Marcus, and Isaiah appeared ten minutes later with their bags and tired eyes. Ellie was clad in a black beanie and sweats, black carrier in hand. She rubbed her eyes with her free hand before looking up. Your gaze met hers through the backseat window and she instantly cheesed wide, her aura instantly brightening. You jumped out of the car with a bright grin, and she gently sat Duchess down before you pulled her into a tight hug. You breathed her in like she did you and sighed in content. 

“Missed you so bad, baby,” she whispered in your ear, gripping you tight. 

“Missed you, too, El.” 

“Damn, can I get a fucking hug. I drove!” 

Jesse's voice cut through your small moment, and you laughed into Ellie’s neck before pulling away. You watched as Isaiah and Marcus dapped him up and hugged Dina. 

“C’mere, prick,” she huffed with an eye roll as she pulled him in, hugging Dina immediately after as Jesse put her bags in his car. 

You all jumped into the car, Marcus, Isaiah, Duchess, you and your girlfriend snuggled in the backseat as you smacked kisses on her cheek, nuzzling into her neck as she kissed your forehead. You could hear soft shuffling in the carrier in Ellie’s lap. Baby was awake!

You inhaled her scent the entire drive to her apartment. 

You helped Ellie bring her bags in as Jesse complained about not being invited inside. 

Dina flicked him on the forehead with an eyeroll, saying Let them have their alone time! as you and Ellie snickered, waving goofily as they drove off!

She carefully held a snoozing Duchess in her carrier as you rolled her bag onto the elevator and into her home. 

You set her bag to the side and refilled Duchess’s food and water bowls. She set the occupied carrier on the floor and smacked quiet kisses at her kitty, waking her up gently so she could eat and sleep properly. The tired baby walked to her designated area by the window and ate comfortably. 

Ellie was grabbing water from the fridge as you made your way over to her stealthily. You pressed your front against her back, trapping her against the counter as you hugged her. 

“You’re clingy,” she said gently as she relaxed against you. 

“Shut up, I missed you,” you snickered before kissing her neck. “You tired?” 

She nodded before turning in your grasp to face you, setting her bottle down to wrap her arms around your neck. She kissed your lips lightly before speaking quietly, “You coming to the bar on Friday?” 

You grinned, “Duh.” 

She hummed and kissed you again. You cheesed slyly against her lips, “Can’t believe you made me a song.” 

She pulled away, her arms untangling from around you as she rolled her eyes, “Oh my fucking god— “

You giggled, wrapping your arms around her neck to pull her back to you, “I cried so fucking hard! I listened to it a hundred times in one day!” 

“Didn't I tell you not to tell me that,” her face was so red, her head thrown back as she stared at the ceiling. 

You kissed her exposed neck again, and again before looking at her with sincerity, “I loved it so much, baby. Thank you.” 

She smiled shyly and brushed her nose against yours, “Course. I love you.” 

“Love you more,” and you kissed her again. She sighed through her nose, and you playfully licked her bottom lip as you giggled happily. You felt her squirm against you slightly at the gesture before grabbing the back of your neck to deepen the kiss. Your body felt hotter immediately, your tongues slowly sliding against each other, her arms wrapping around your hips to pull you closer. 

She grinded into you, and you pushed into her just as eagerly. You slid your hands down her body and grabbed her hips to hold her still as you bucked into her harder. She was completely pushed against the edge of the counter. 

You detached from her lips to suck on her neck, and you felt her slide the strap of your tank down to press eager kisses on your exposed shoulder, nipping the skin and making you jerk. You grabbed her sweatshirt and lifted it up, and she helped you pull it over her head, tossing it to the kitchen floor. You took her nipple into your mouth, and she released a shocked squeak. You swirled your tongue around the sensitive skin as she squirmed, arching her back to get close to your mouth. She was letting out small gasps and choked moans into the air around you. Her nipples were so sensitive! 

She whined your name out, “Baby, fuck— “

You pulled away and checked on her, “Good?” 

“Yes, fuck, keep touching me, m’—I’m getting so wet.” 

She moaned aloud when you sucked the bud back into your mouth and tweaked her other, rolling it between your index finger and thumb.

You moved to suck on her other nipple, and your hand moved down to cup her cunt through her sweats. You pressed your palm into her clit, and she mewled out your name as she jerked into your hand. 

You pulled away from her tits completely and dropped to your knees, her clothed pussy right in front of your face.

“Gonna… put you to bed?” you said shakily, looking up at her for approval and… fuck, she looks so sexy looking down at you like that—

She snickered quietly, “Yeah? Gonna tuck me in, too?”

You lightly slapped her thigh and sent her a glare, making her giggle before she leaned back against the counter and resting her hands on the edge. 

She gawked at you before speaking, “You know what I noticed?” 

“Hm?” 

“I think you secretly love giving me head,” she whispered as she quirked a brow at you.

“W-What makes you say that?” you challenged unsteadily. 

She smirked and licked her lips, “You just get so into it, like making me cum like that makes you happy.” 

“… So what if it does.” 

“That’s so fuckin’ hot,” she subtly moved her hips close to your face. You looked back up at her, and she brought her hand down to pat your cheek as she cooed at you. “Meant it when I said you’re good at it. M’so lucky.” 

A shiver went down your spine, and she chuckled, “Take my pants off, baby.” 

You tore them down her legs with her underwear and she laughed giddily at you, stepping out of them, and kicking them to the side. You were immediately met with her cunt, and your mouth watered at her glistening wetness. You squirmed from where you sat, and you gripped her scarred thighs for support. 

The closer you got, the more you smelled her, and it made you drip in your panties; You want her to smother you! You looked up and held her eyes before leaning forward and lightly swiping her clit. She bit her lip and jerked above you. 

“You’re so fuckin’ cute.” You heard her mutter, and you eagerly sucked her clit into your mouth. 

You whined at her taste and her glossy eyes fluttered, her breath getting heavier. Your nails dug into her soft thighs, and her head fell back, her hand grabbing your shoulder for support. 

Her unique taste flooded your tongue as you slurped her slick, flicking your tongue all over her twitchy nub. You traveled a bit lower, the tip of your tongue massaging the space right below her clit and you felt her nails dig into your shoulder when her hips jerked. 

“Ffuck, baby, right there,” she gasped out as she spread her legs wider. “Feels s’fuckin’ good.” 

You wrapped your arm around one of her legs when you felt her wobble to steady her, kissing her clit gently before pulling away. You ignored her whines of complaint and made sure she was pressed up against the counter, brought your hand to her pussy, and rubbed her clit gently. You watched her the whole time, her whole body twitching; she’s so cute!

You slid your hand down to her entrance, and she mindlessly spread her legs even wider. You slowly slid your pointer finger inside her, her plush walls swallowing you the deeper you slid. You curled up and nudged that patchy spot, and her grip on you tightened, the softness trapping you inside. Her breathing was heavy, but she squealed when you sucked her clit back into your mouth. 

You hummed against her and slid your middle in, fucking into her harder, her moans of pleasure and squelchy sounds from her pussy shaking the walls. 

You pulled back from her cunt and slurrily whispered, “Good, Ellie? Okay?” 

“Yes, baby, yesyesyes, gonna make me cum s’fuckin’ fast— “ 

You licked deeply into her again, her clit jumping on your tongue as she clenched down on you. She lifted a leg and threw it over your shoulder so you could push in deeper.  

You dazedly whispered against her, “Wan’ your cum, daddy, please? “

“M’right there, baby, keep fucking me like tha— “

Her words cut off when you shoved your ring finger in her pussy and fucked into her hard, making sure to prod where you know would get her there. She shouted, her body trembling against you and the counter. Her hand on your shoulder slammed back down on the counter as she desperately grabbed at its edge, and she came. Her walls milked your fingers as wetness leaked all over them and your tongue, and you happily drank it all. 

She was fucking up into your face as she cried your name and curses and how much she loved you, and your heart pounded in your chest. 

You fucked her until she was shaking, and her thighs squeezed around your hand. She slumped against the counter as you kissed her thighs, trying to catch her breath as the aftershocks ran through her. You pulled out as she released your hand from between her legs. She grabbed your arm and pulled you up to lick your fingers clean like she always did before kissing you. 

Your tongue glided over hers as she sucked on it, tasting herself and moaning into your mouth. You smiled into the kiss before pulling away. She smirked and chased your mouth with hers, but you held her shoulders. 

You smiled shyly, “Alright. You can go to bed now.” 

She looked at you like you just spoke a different language before a strong arm wrapped around your hips and yanked you to her chest. 

Her lips brushed against your ear as she spoke raspily, “You know how long it’s been since I made you squirt on my face? Go lay the fuck down.” 

Your face burned with excitement as she nodded towards the couch. You gave her one more fiery kiss before you felt a smack on your ass. You squealed and bolted towards the couch as she followed close behind. 

You were so glad she was home. 

It was nine at night, and your sister was incredibly nervous. 

Before she dropped you off at your mom’s, you forced her to unblock Ellie on all social media and instructed you to meet up with her as soon as possible. 

It’s been dragged out enough! Make things right with her. 

She received a text from you an hour ago, and her heart jerked in her chest when she read it.

shes back. do ur thing. 

She’d unblocked Ellie months ago, and now she was staring at her unsent text of hey. r u busy tomorrow night? i was hoping we could talk if ur willing. 

She nibbled at her lip nervously, her finger mindlessly tapping on the back of her phone. You were so sure in your claims that Ellie was ready to talk, but what if she suddenly started second guessing? What if she was too late? 

She sighed and pressed the small, blue arrow on her screen before her nerves talked her out of it, the small, delivered message popping up under the blue text. She realized that Ellie probably never blocked her, and it made tears form in her eyes. 

She babysat her phone for hours as she waited for a reply from her, trying to distract herself in any way she could. She retwisted her hair, painted her nails, and made dinner. She hasn’t touched her flute in years, letting it sit in the back of her dark closet in its case, but she impulsively pulled it out of its dusty corner to clean and polish it. She pounced with every ding! she heard from her phone, and released a sigh of disappointment when she saw that the texts weren’t from Ellie. 

It was midnight when she threw her phone on her pillow with a sigh of fuck this, rolling over to go to cry herself to sleep for the third time this week. Tears of disappointment were pricking in her closed eyes as she resigned for the night. 

Ding! 

She almost flew into the air when she heard the last text alert ring through her phone. She flipped so fast, gripping her phone tightly and immediately unlocking it when she saw her best friend’s contact.

hi. i’m more than willing lol. can i come over? 

Your sister didn't care if she seemed desperate and instantly replied with her consent and address, her mind racing, yes, yes, please, of course you can!

She cried herself to sleep as planned, but her heart was filled with relief. With hope for tomorrow.  

Ellie put her phone down on her nightstand and turned to look at your sleeping form. 

You looked so warm, so at peace, and her heart nearly burst in her chest with love for you. She gently brought her hand up to caress your cheek before leaning down to kiss it. You subconsciously moved closer to her in your rest, and she smiled to herself and nuzzled closer to you until you relaxed again. She could see Duchess adjusting her position by your feet out the corner of her eye.

She wasn’t shocked when your sister reached out to her due to the conversations that she had with you earlier that day, but she was still pleased when she did. 

Ellie missed her greatly, and she couldn’t wait to see her. 

Ellie got you breakfast before dropping you off at your mom’s the next morning. She kissed you so many times before you exited her car; You missed her already. 

You ate the remainder of your bagel sandwich as you opened your laptop on your desk. You pulled up your YouTube channel and inspected your drafts. 

You had a few videos saved that you never posted: you released the snort at the one of you and Arya drunkenly dancing as she blew into her clarinet completely out of tune last year. She really convinced you to title it #1 queefers, and you’re so happy you never posted it. 

You finally looked at your untitled video of you playing your own composed work. You rewatched the draft twice to ensure it was the way you wanted it. 

Your fingers tapped against your desk as you thought of a title for the clip. 

You started typing as your heart pounded. You can’t ignore the nerves in your body, both from excitement and anxiety. But you promised to do this for yourself.

You pressed the publish button, and your video immediately started rendering. 

Pines in Spring by me :) was posted ten minutes later. 

You shut your computer and sighed in relief. 

Your sister was pacing around her living room as she waited for Ellie to arrive. 

The tension in her body had not eased up since she woke up. 

She was trying to rehearse her apologies, trying to think of ways to express her emotions without coming in too strong, but her heart overridden all her attempts: I’m sorry for almost swinging on you, I never meant to hurt you(even though I did!), I miss you so much, I should’ve listened to you that day, I love you I love you I love you—

A knock came from the other side of her door, and she released a shaky sigh. She clenched and unclenched her fists and tried to shake the nerves out her hands before walking towards the door. 

She unlocked her door and grabbed the handle, twisting it and pulling it open. 

A just as antsy looking Ellie appeared in front of her, and all she could do was take her in. 

She was dressed in a green hoodie and sweatpants, her hands in her pockets as she looked down at her dirty shoes nervously. 

Ellie looked up into her eyes, and your sister nearly cried when she spoke. 

“Hi.” 

Your sister breathed in before exhaling a whisper, “Hi, Ellie.”

She saw Ellie’s shoulders relax when she spoke, pulling a small baggie of rolled blunts out of her jacket pocket as a peace offering. She couldn’t get over how alike you two were.

Your sister's eyes teared up at the gesture and she moved on autopilot, stepping out of her house and pulling Ellie into a bone-crushing hug. 

Ellie tensed before she relaxed in her grasp, her arms immediately wrapping around your sister’s waist to hold her just as tightly. 

Your sister released a choked sob into her shoulder, and Ellie did the same. 

They both wept loudly in each other arms, whispering soft imsorrys and imissedyousomuchs to each other. 

They didn’t let go of each other until an elderly woman walked past them awkwardly. It took everything in your sister’s power to not scream out a mind ya business at her judgmental stares. 

They’d only let go of each for twenty seconds before Ellie started crying again, grabbing your sibling, and pulling her close. Your sister’s own sobs picked up again. 

They missed each other terribly, and they were so glad to finally be in each other’s gentle holds again. 

Ellie and your sister were both extremely high on her sofa. 

After their bouts of snot-nosed apologies and heartfelt sobs, they calmed down, went inside, and talked about everything while they smoked down two blunts. Your sister expressed her immediate regret and embarrassment after that night at the bar, and even though Ellie accepted her expressions of regret and understood her reaction, she still felt awful about it. 

That guilt ate her alive for months, and there were sometimes where she couldn’t even look at you without being reminded of the trainwreck she caused, and now she was sitting in front of a comforting Ellie with a heavy heart. 

“Are we… d’you think everything’s gonna go back to how it was before?” 

Your sister was nervous for Ellie’s answer: even though the tension had calmed immensely between them, she could tell that Ellie was still being careful around her, and it upset her greatly. 

Ellie exhaled her puff of smoke before speaking in between light coughs, “I think so… maybe not immediately, but… yeah.” 

She passed the blunt to your sister before continuing, “Dina misses you like fuckin’ crazy. Won't shut up about it.” 

Your sister snorted a sad laugh before inhaling the blunt, “She’s too sweet for her own good, I avoided her like the plague for so long.” 

Ellie teased with a small smile, “Yeah, she hates you for that.” 

“Can’t blame her,” she whispered sadly before puffing again.

Ellie must’ve sensed the dejection in your sister’s voice because she immediately scooted closer, throwing an arm around her shoulder, “Sorry, that was fucked— “

“Don’t needa apologize, it’s true,” she passed the blunt to a consoling Ellie, shaking her head as she looked at the wall. “Like… I dunno, now that we’re here it… everything that happened feels so fucking stupid. We would’ve been… fine if I would’ve just listen—“

“Don’t beat yourself up about that shit anymore. I fucked up just as much as you did. It’s not all on you,” Ellie scolded her, bumping her leg against hers in soft punishment. 

Your sister was still in her head, so Ellie changed the subject, “Guess who misses the fuck outta you.” 

“Hm?” 

Ellie puffed on the roach before stubbing it out on the ashtray on the table, and teasing grin spreading across her face, “Isaiaaah.” 

Your sister giggled lightly as Ellie laughed, smoke leaving her nose, “He’s so corny. Tell him not to call me anymore.” 

Ellie laughed harder, “Bro, he’s fucking obsessed with you, y’know that, right? Everyone got drunk one night’n all he could say was I miss my giiirl, I need my giiirl.” 

Your sister laughed hard at her deep mimics, “He’s so fuckin’ stupid. I want his kids.” 

Ellie moved away from your sister as she cringed. “Gross. What the fuck.” 

“Shut the fuck up!” her eyebrows shot down in mock offense. “I didn’t say shit when my sister told me y’all were canoodling. Keep it cute.” 

Ellie tsked as she blushed, scratching her head, “… C’mon, dude.” 

She chuckled. “Exactly.” 

They sat in comfortable silence before your sister spoke. 

“Y’know she still loved you even after everything happened?” 

“… She told me, yeah.” 

Your sibling nodded stiffly. She turned to look at Ellie, her tone becoming more serious. 

“Be… good to her, please. She’s fragile,” she demanded quietly. 

“M’gonna. I’m in just as deep as her,” Ellie said without any hesitation, her tone just as sincere as yours had been a few days ago. It made your sister hopeful that everything would be fine. 

“Alright, El.” 

Your sister mumbled a c’mere and Ellie listened, grabbing another blunt and her lighter from the table before resting her head on your sister's lap. Ellie sparked it for both of them. 

They shared it in silence, basking in each other’s forgiveness. 

Friday came, and you were so excited. 

Ellie invited everyone over to pregame after her rehearsal at the bar, and you, your best friends, and your sister were all getting ready. 

The weather was incredible, and you were ready to slut it up! 

Arya had no problem encouraging your whorish behavior, driving you and your friends almost an hour into the city to shop at the designated harlot boutique! 

You and all your friends had their titties out, six-inch heels on, wigs laid. The whole nine yards! The five of you were already three shots in, and you were feeling fuzzy! You didn’t know how you were going to walk in these damn shoes. 

Starr was putting her lashes on in your sister’s bathroom while Arya joyfully patted her ass to trademark usa, your sister was rolling her blunt, and Kris was pouring up… again. 

“Girl, if you’re gonna be stumblin’ like that then you shouldn’t wear those. You’re gonna break your neck.”

You shut down your best friend’s warnings as you waddled past the bathroom and down the hallway, “Excuse you! I got it, thanks! I just needa… practice.”

“Bitch, we leave in half an hour!” Starr commented. 

“I know! Stop talking to me so I can focus!” 

You stumbled all the way to the kitchen where your sister was sitting at her table, sealing her and your girlfriend’s blunts and sticking them in a small baggie. 

“You look good, twin.” 

You looked up from your shoes at your sister, her soft eyes sparkling. You couldn’t help the smile that spread on your face as you walked closer to her, wrapping your arms around her frame and kissing her forehead. 

“You look good, too,” you said with a content expression. “I love you.” 

“Love you more.” 

You were so, so happy. 

The Uber pulled up in front of Ellie’s apartment building, and you nearly tripped and fell on the curb with how quickly you jumped out the car. 

Thank god your sister brought shorter heels for you! 

You could see your girlfriend’s… sexy ass in the glass door waiting for you all inside. She was posted up against the wall, clad in a tailored, silk, black button up, —her nipples were peeking through… you were going to die—her Cubans on her neck and wrist, and her black jeans and chucks on. She finally got a fresh pair!

You waved your arms around to get her attention through the glass, and she perked up the second she saw you. She ran over to open the doors for you all with a bright grin and flushed cheeks, making sure to give you a smacking kiss on the cheek before greeting your friends and sister in giant hugs. 

She interlocked your fingers and guided you all to the elevator, your friends rambling about how much fun they were going to have as Ellie kissed your shoulder. You caught your sister staring fondly at you and your girlfriend before jumping into your friend's conversation. Your face burned red-hot.

When the doors opened, you and Ellie bolted down the hall and into Ellie’s place, your friends and sister following close behind. Her speaker was already blasting, your new friends, Dina, and Jesse were all around her apartment taking shots and blowing smoke out the window.

They all looked up when they heard the front door shut, and everything went still. 

All their gazes were locked behind you, and you immediately stiffened, your hand tightening around Ellie’s. She squeezed yours tighter.

You turned to check on your sibling, and she looked so nervous. She locked eyes with you and shook her head quickly before looking forward again. You were too drunk to comprehend what that meant, but you were down to do whatever!

You’d been so focused on your sister’s reaction that you hadn’t heard a very drunk, sobbing Dina stomp over to engulf your sibling in the tightest hug you’d ever seen, Jesse following close behind to mimic his girlfriend. You could’ve cried then, but Arya spent too long on your makeup!

You could see Isaiah shifting on his feet out the corner of your eye, and you looked at him. You sent him a nod towards your sibling, and the tension in his shoulders relaxed a bit as he slowly walked towards her. 

“Would I ruin the moment if I took a shot right now?” Kris asked from behind you. You turned and met her pulled down brows and pout. You and Arya chuckled before shaking your head no, gesturing towards the coffee table where all the liquor was—Casamigos, holy fuck. 

Your three friends walked over towards the lively area, introducing themselves to Ellie's friends and filling their small glasses. You returned your gaze to your sibling; Isaiah had pulled your sister away from everyone, the two of them standing by the kitchen and talking softly. You felt Ellie release your hand to gently grab your face in her hands. 

Your eyes locked with her sparkling ones, “Give ‘em a minute. They’ll be fine.” 

You nodded softly. 

“Wanna drink?”

You sighed heavily at the temptation, and she laughed, her head plopping onto your bare shoulder before kissing it. And kissing it. And kissed it again—

“Not again, El, please.” 

Her tongue gave the sensitive skin a kitty-lick with a smirk, and you shivered and slapped her arm softly. She giggled before letting up. 

She led you over to the coffee table, immediately handing you a small, filled glass. 

You looked over to your sister again. Her and Isaiah were… smiling. Laughing! Your eyes swiftly shut in relief before you threw the liquid back. 

Glee exploded in your heart. 

Tonight was going to be great!

“Okay, okay! Just one more!” 

You were all in the middle of… an incredibly raunchy game of Never Have I Ever, and you wanted it to end expeditiously! Why was your best friend enjoying this so much!

You rested tiredly against Ellies shoulder as she kissed your forehead, and everyone sighed at Arya’s demands for another round. 

“Never have I ever…” she slurred. “had… had sex— “

Starr cut in with an eye roll, “Bro— “

“M’not done, thank you very much!” 

Marcus laughed, “I'm kinda curious, not gon’ lie.”

“Pleeease don’t encourage her!” Kris defended as Dina and your sister laughed, Isaiah shaking his head. “We’ll never fuckin’ leave!” 

“Y’all are some fu—hiccup—fuckin’ haters, wow.” 

Everyone laughed at her grumbling before their playful banter took over. You shook your head as you poured another shot for yourself. 

After Arya’s attempts to persuade everyone to cheer her on while she shot-gunned three beers in a row failed, Isaiah ordered the biggest Uber XL he could find, and you all made your way to the bar.

You were squished between Ellie and Starr in the backseat, your sister, Isaiah, and Jesse were in front of you, Dina propped on her boyfriend’s lap while Marcus talked the driver’s ear off. 

The lights got brighter the later it got, the streets packed with people looking for entertainment. 

You felt Ellie's fingers brush against the bare skin of your thigh, and you playfully glared at her and forced her hand back into her own lap by her wrist. She wasn’t getting you this time!

After twenty minutes of holding your girlfriend’s arms down so she wouldn’t touch you, the car parked in front of the bar, the line around the corner. 

Everyone slurred out thank yous to the driver as you all exited the vehicle, and you were immediately hit when the bouts of excitement as Ellie walked behind you, her hand in yours. The people in line were screaming to get her attention, wailing out her name and pulling their phones out. 

You turned to watch her interact with the clubgoers. Ellie waved at them goofily, jumping and swinging her free arm around like a squid. You smiled and gently pulled your girlfriend onto the sidewalk and up to the entrance. You felt her wrap her arms around your waist and rested her chin on your shoulder.

The security at the door dapped up Marcus and Isaiah, allowing access to your friends, fist-bumping Ellie as she passed by. 

You were instantly hit with excitement as the energy of the bar hit you: people were dancing under the dim purple and blue lights, playing their instruments on the small stage, drinking, showing off their artwork. Your sister and friends dove into the active crowd, melding into the high-spiritedness of the space.

You missed this environment so much, and you were so glad that the people you loved most were here with you. 

Ellie pulled away and spun you, connecting her lips to yours in a gentle kiss. She pulled away and brushed her nose against yours, and you couldn’t stop the wide smile from spreading across your face. 

She led you to the bar, Elijah, and a few other tenders that you recognized from previous nights handing out drinks to the attendees. 

The second he saw the two of you, he grinned widely, whispering to one of the tenders before running from behind the bar to smother you both in a hug. 

“I missed y’all so much, what the fuck!” He shouted over the live music. You smiled, yelling the same back to him as you hugged him closer before he pulled back. 

He looked at you with excitement, yelling something incoherently. Your brows furrowed in confusion.

“What?!” 

He leaned in closer to you, “Dude, you went fucking viral! Did you not see?!” 

You pulled away with a head shake and looked at Ellie, who seemed just as shocked as you were. Elijah pulled out his phone and scrolled wildly before turning the screen towards you and your girlfriend. 

Your YouTube video was playing on the screen, your eyes searching the display, and you nearly passed out when you saw the view count. 

How was it already at 734k?! And how were there so many likes?! You just posted it a few days ago, what the fuck!

Ellie’s jaw was wide open as Elijah jumped excitedly, shaking you by the shoulder. Your heart was pounding in your chest, but it wasn’t… what you were used to. 

You didn’t feel anxious or uncomfortable. You felt… confused, but warm. Delight washed over you as tears jerked in your eyes. People actually… liked something you made! You almost didn’t believe it. 

You felt Ellie’s calloused hands on your cheek, turning you to face her, a thrilled expression on her face as she caressed you. She was saying something, but you couldn’t hear as your heart thudded in your ears, a dazed smile on your face. 

Elijah embraced you in another hug, and you felt Ellie press kisses your head.

You could see all your friends dancing and laughing over his shoulder; they looked so joyous and bright, shining like stars in the sky as they huddled close together. 

You locked eyes with your sister in Isaiah’s grasp, and you smiled harder. You watched a light grin grow on her face as she mouthed I love you, and you did the same. 

Later into the night, someone drunkenly asked you what key you played Pines in Spring in on your channel.

You just as drunkenly replied D minor!

You’d never hugged a stranger in your life, but that night you did.

FOUR MONTHS LATER 

You were twenty and staring into an audience of three hundred people. 

Everything around you moved in slow motion. 

The lights of the stage you stood on shined upon you to an almost blinding degree. The people were smiling, clapping, and drunkenly waving their phone’s flashlights as they stared at you in anticipation as your professor introduced you. You would be getting your degree! 

You weren’t anxious, your breathing was normal. Your heart was beating, but not at a restless, agonizing pace that you were used to growing up. It was steady, and you were… smiling. You felt excited!

You gazed at the audience, and locked eyes with your mother’s encouraging, watery ones, then your sister’s, your best friends’, then the love of your life. She grinned, and you could see the tears glistening in her eyes. She mouthed a swift I love you and sent you two thumbs up. 

You only smiled brighter as your inspiration for your song happily spurred you on, and you waved the hand you held your bow in at her excitedly. She only smiled harder, and you saw her cheeks glisten. 

You shut your eyes, adjusted the violin that rested on your shoulder, and brought your bow back to its correct positioning above the strings. 

You’d been dreaming of this moment since you were three. You could almost see the pictures of your younger self giddily holding the small violin toy that you were gifted with years ago. 

Every struggle you faced, every loss you’ve endured, and every relationship you gained was for this moment. All the support you had around you got you here. Your resilience got you here, and you were immensely proud of what you’ve become. 

You took one last check at your fingers positioning, ensuring your chords were correct. 

You took a deep breath and released it when you slid your utensil across the high-pitched strands. 

The first notes of Pines in Spring played, and your future became brighter. 

a/n: hello… i am very sad that this is over. lol

for anyone that cares, this is the first actual story that i’ve ever finished, and i am very crushed that its done. i planned this whole thing completely out of impulse and i’m very grateful that people like… cared enough to finish it. i wanted to test my writing chops and i kinda ate like a little bit ngl a lil nibble LOOOOOL i’m joking pls 

but i can’t believe i had a fucking tag list for this like i cry everyday when i think about it i love yall @fandomshitpostingqueen , @elsivy , @nymphetkoo , @sawaagyapong , @amitycat , @nil-eena , @onallfoursforellie , @letsreadsomesins-shallwe , @gold-dustwomxn

if u read this story in any way i love u. if u liked it in any way i love u even more LOL

i needa proof reader tumblr editors aint cutting it rs 

ceosdaughter!ellie coming soon i saw that poll🤭😜

bye

#ellie williams angst #ellie williams smut #ellie williams #ellie williams au #ellie williams x black!reader #black!oc #black!reader #lesbian #scent of the pine. ̥*ೃ #works 𖧧࣪ #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x reader

[ravenmichaelisstuff]

Monster!Soap x Human!Ghost

No tw, hurt comfort

Part 2

To Soap's bewilderment even after the debrief, when he had to explain what happened, Gaz and Ghost just nodded along adding things Soap forgot or well... didn't know he did. It was like any other debrief, the atmosphere felt normal. No tension i. His friends shoulders, no avoiding eye contact- nothing changed.

Yet even days after that mission he was the one to avoid his friends, his mind telling him that they will eventually snap and tell him that he should leave, that maybe they are pretending so the 141 doesn't split. They know that Price would be devastated if that was to happen.

Talking about him- Price tried to talk to him already but Soap would just brush him off telling his captain that he needs just a few days to recover, that the full transformation after such a long time of not doing it at all exhausted him. Price knew it was bullshit but left him be for the time being.

Gaz only looked at him sadly whenever he hurried to leave the room his friends appeared in. Which only feed his paranoia as well as the fact that for the first time since he got to know Ghost better he couldn't read the emotion behinds the mans eyes.

And with the stress came snapping at people, which he usually was really good at not doing. Yet the whole situation completely disregulated his emotions.

He needed to calm the fuck down because a few days into the whole situation he woke up with his hands partly changed, fingers dark and elongated, flames flickering around the sharp claws.

His blanket has burned hole in it.

Fuck.

He was just supposed to take a deep breath and will the hands away and trash the blanket when someone knocked on his door. Knocking is an understatement, Soap was pretty sure that whoever it was used their whole fist on the poor door.

"Soap! Sergeant open the door for fuck sake!" Ghost's voice sounded from behind the door.

And he no longer could will his hands to stop burning. The sheer fact of Ghost standing behind his door sounding *angry* made Soap not able to focus enough on his hands.

"Not a good moment Lt!"

"It's been 'not a good moment' for days. Open the door I want to talk."

"Ghost-"

"Johnny open the bloody door or I will do it myself." The brit threatened.

"No you wo-"

The lock clicked open and Ghost entered the room closing the door behind him. Shit.

"You gave me the key you twat." Ghost said putting the object in his pocket and then he glanced towards Soap, his hands and the ruined blanket. "What happened?"

"The blanket burned."

"By itself?"

"Clearly."

"Johnny."

"Simon."

"What's wrong?" Ghost sounded so genuine that it made Soap wish his brain wasn't wired the way it was. "And don't say nothing, I talked to Price and I know that you probably think we are scared of you but who the fuck do you think you are sergeant to tell us what we feel?" The lieutenant barked, stepping closer to Soap's bed.

"Every teammate ah had before eventually-" Soap tried, but Ghost wasn't having it.

"Are we just teammates?" Ghost asked before quickly adding "Gaz and me? Are we just teammates to you?"

Soap winced "Of course not but..."

"No 'but'" the masked man sat on the bed next to his sergeant. "I honestly couldn't care less about what you are or what you are capable of."

Ghost's words made him look at his hands again and even though they weren't burning anymore they still looked dangerous, deadly.

A confident bare hand grabbed his own, now so much smaller than Soap's.

"Johnny look at me."

How could he say no to that.

"You could be the devil himself and I would stand on your side because that would mean that everyone else is just so much worse. You are the best man I ever met, you fight the world bare handed. Quite literally."

They both chuckle at that, and glanced at their intertwined hands. A few stray tears fell on Ghost's hand and just then he noticed tears on Johnny's face.

"Sorry Lt."

"You've nothing to be sorry about Johnny."

No idea where i am going with this

#soapghost #ghostsoap #john soap mactavish #ghost x soap #cod #simon ghost riley #cod mw2 #soap cod #soap mctavish #cod modern warfare #cod monster au

[ambrosiagourmet]

Has anyone requested Marcille for the ask meme? If not then pls

Marcille!!!!!!!!!

First impression

Gay? Interesting elf girl with a really good design for a female character oh my god thank you. She gets to wear pants!!! It's a miracle!

Impression now

BELOVED HALF-ELF OF MY HEART... most determined member of the party, maybe second only to Laios. Not that it's a competition.

Girl who carries the weight of her existence in her heart everywhere she goes. Girl who doesn't know how to just exist because that would mean surrendering to the things time will take away from her. Girl with bloody knuckles who clings too tightly to the things she loves because she remembers a time when she didn't realize what they meant to her.

Girl who must shape a life too big to hold all at once. Who stares into that impossible task so unflinchingly that you kind of want to tell her to run away from it for a bit. Be a bit more of a coward, Marcille! But she doesn't have time to be a coward!! She's hurtling towards her goals at terminal velocity. But the same love that keeps her tumbling forward also pulls her back from the brink. Because she's still figuring out the balance.

Favorite moment

Rabbit chapter... my god rabbit chapter.........

Genuinely maybe my favorite chapter in the whole manga. It hits such an incredible peak of humor and raw emotion and impossibly ridiculous situations and grounded believable character writing. And no part of it is separate from the others.

What a fucking chapter. And what a fucking thesis for why Marcille is such a good character. Her being ridiculous and her being incredibly determined and her being powerful and her being scared are ALL part of her. Man. Marcille. She will do anything to pull through for her friends.

And then on top of it the way the Lion takes advantage of this moment to pull her strings. Which is just. So horrifying to watch because you want someone to give her a hug but all the people who would give her a hug are currently DEAD and she's left in a room along and exhausted with a manipulative, abusive, hungry opportunist. God. God. I love Rabbit Part II So Very Much.

Idea for a story

Umm hi sorry I am still busy thinking about Rabbit Part II. Please enjoy some shameless self promotion while I go lie down for a bit.

Unpopular opinion

She's bisexual!!!!! Normally I don't hold so fast to like "well canonically this character was into A Man so she can't be a lesbian blah blah blah" but it does bum me out that people ignore her succubus because I really do think that bi Marcille deserves more love. It doesn't make her any less into women sheesh.

Favorite relationship

Sorry I was thinking about Rabbit Part II again what was the question? Favorite relationship?

Yeah I dunno maybe Marcille and Laios? I kinda like the part where they rely on each other because there is no other way through and share an unnamed intimacy born in blood and bone and the way that they place impossible burdens on each other and owe each other their lives many times over and neither holds it against the other or asks for the repayment of debts that can never be repaid, choosing instead to keep walking into the future by each others sides because what else can you do. What else can you do.

They are pretty cool I guess. I'm normal about them though. Haha.

Favorite headcanon

I imagine that castle staff help Marcille with her hair on a day-to-day basis because leaving it just to personal friends and family would probably be impractical. But also I think Chilchuck, Laios, Falin, and also especially KABRU all learn enough to help her with it. I think that the first three learn some basic nice stuff but I think Kabru would get really into it.

That man could absolutely intensely hyperfixate on something like "nice hairstyles from another culture" for three to six months and come out the other side an expert.

#ask #ask meme #thank you for your patience!!! #and sorry it has taken me so long to get around to finishing these 😅 #I love Marcille so very much

[doberbutts]

genuine question coming from a place of good faith: is it wrong of me to be scared for transmascs right now? the harassment of transfems by both radfems and now even tumblr staff is fucking horrendous, but im terrified that due to so much recent discourse, people are going to blame transmascs for it and hate us even more than they already do.

i genuinely do care about transfems and it’s utterly ghoulish what’s going on right now, and it needs to stop, but I can’t help but get this awful sinking feeling over how it could affect transmascs by proxy — but I’m not sure if that’s wrong of me? is it wrong to worry about, should I be focusing entirely on transfems right now? is it transmisogynistic of me to be concerned about both of these things instead of just the one? I don’t know if what I’m feeling is wrong and it’s stressing me out so badly :(

I don't think it's ever wrong to be concerned about multiple real problems at once.

I have stayed pretty quiet on this situation, mostly just adding stuff to my queue if I agree with it but not weighing in personally. Mainly the reason is that I genuinely don't know anything about the trans woman in question who all of this fuss is for. But, I have seen other trans blogs get nuked for seemingly flimsy reasons, and I have seen self-professed terfs and radfems crowing victory with the latest victims of their mass-reporting.

And I think this is a bit of a PR nightmare, but I also think this site does have a serious harassment problem the staff does not take nearly seriously enough while it also seems to punish in equal amounts blogs that get harassed AND blogs that were literally just minding their own business, with really the main similarities being that they are blogs owned by people belonging to seriously marginalized and at-risk demographics talking about controversial topics like racism and LGBT politics.

It is really quite frustrating that there are now accusations that trans mascs talking about their own oppression are behind this, when not only is there no proof behind the claim but also even without a lot of direct knowledge I am seeing a certain demographic cheering that their mass reports worked and I gotta say, that demographic largely isn't trans mascs.

I also think there is a lot of hypocrisy floating around, because some of these blogs I'm seeing mad about this latest streak of bans are also people who themselves have advocated for harassing others and mass-reporting others who simply fail the vibe check while just existing as themselves, off this website. And while those users don't have the power of the literal CEO, they're failing to see how they've contributed to the problem of this website's user culture of "send the most vile thing you can think of en mass until they break and leave and good riddance".

I say this as someone who also has been harassed by a band of people wanting to chase me off of this website. It is why I don't interact much with dogblr anymore. I have had several people who joined in that dog pile later approach me and apologize, but the damage is still done and I am not interested in engaging with a "community" so willing to tear someone apart on flimsy accusations that weren't even true. I almost killed myself that night, I had a mental break and turned off my blog completely for several days just to make it stop, and returned to see people similarly crowing with delight that they'd successfully run me off. It's happened to me, and the perpetrators were almost entirely white cisgender women, and I have been very reliably told by multiple other people that both my blackness and my transgender status were significant motivators in their poor behavior.

This also happening in the wake of yet another transgender teen killed by their peers has left me simply mentally and physically exhausted. I began involving myself more in the transgender community on here because I wanted this to stop. I wanted to help uplift my siblings and get them out of the pit before the whole thing caved in. It's feeling very hopeless right now for trans kids around the world and in the mean time it's also apparently my fault a trans woman I don't even know got banned I guess..

In any case. Hold your head up. We'll get through this, somehow. We always have. We always will.