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hansolmates · 4 years

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jjk; angel’s trumpet [final]

summary; one second, your life is flashing before your eyes and the next, you’re transported into a world exactly like your own. but the jungkook you meet in this world isn’t a renowned singer or your former almost-lover, in fact he has no clue who you are and why you know him so well. as you work to find your way home lost and confused, you conclude that you’re either dead or in the middle of the most wicked drug trip of your life. pairing; idol!jk x reader (f), alternatively film producer!jk x reader genre/warnings; fluff, angst, supernatural, idol!au, non-idol!au, alternate universes, themes of fate, language, alcohol consumption, in this chapter–dry humping but not really lololol w.c; 5.5k a/n; surprise! the finale is here. im a little emotional, i had so, so much fun writing this series. the most fun i’ve had writing in a long, long while. i really hope to all the new readers that you stick around for the other bts fics i have in mind. thank you for being so supportive and loving on this journey, and i hope you enjoy their ending! and pssssttt, the bonus chapter will come next friday, so look out for that! ty @btsghostiewritersnet for the Bingo Bash Challenge and encouraging me to finish my first bts series!

[08] [final] [bonus] -> masterpost

Your family took very good care of your apartment while you were away. The laundry is done, the tables are dusted, and your bed sheets are crisp and smell like lemon fabric softener.

Unfortunately, you can’t say the same thing about your fridge. You can’t recall the last time you’ve seen the back of your fridge, but now it’s completely cleared out save for three cans of soda.

At least there’s ramen you can boil.

Waiting for the water your fingers drum over your countertops, taking in your home. It’s been two months since you’ve set foot in your apartment. You used to hate living in this little box of an apartment, jealous that your other co-workers got to share with others and have grander living spaces. However today, you feel content basking in the intimacy of your home, thankful for the breathing room it provides.

Chilling with your candles on the counter, sits the bottle of angel wine you received that started it all. It looks innocent, sitting next to your Bath and Body Works candles like one of the team. In this scenario, the Angel surely trumpeted you.

The facility they sent you to was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in disguise because you had time to think and get back on your feet with no repercussions of going “too slow” and the pressures of going back to work. A curse in its own merit because the doctors constantly poked and prodded at your brain, trying to help you process your supposed trauma and get you to remember.

And sure, being sent unwillingly to an alternate dimension as you were practically forced to live another life and fall in love with the boy you already love is definitely trauma in it’s own right. However you’d be crazy to tell them and you’re not trying to end up in the cuckoo house anytime soon.

So eventually you give them the boring, appropriate version. How you were flung meters away from the impact point, feeling like you were seconds away from being dead, every bone in your body protesting as you rolled off the road. Yadda yadda yadda, you said you remembered brief flashes of your hospital room during your coma, catching simple conversation exchanged between your visitors, but nothing concrete. When you woke up, you thought you were in a dream about being in a coma, and once you saw that you’ve actually been asleep for two months, caused a panic which led you to their facility. Everything but the crѐme of the story.

With this utterly basic and blase confession, the doctors deemed you ready to transition and re-acclimate into your normal routine.

“Ow, fuck,” you put too much water in your pot, and it’s now boiled over and some of the water has dripped on your hand. Immediately killing the heat, you decide that you’re not feeling ramen and you definitely deserve a treat meal before facing society head on.

Quickly putting on a large sweater and leggings, you make quick work to the 7-Eleven across the street of your apartment complex. This has to be a ten-minute trip, tops. You start to shove whatever looks edible into your basket, making sure to have an equal balance of sweet and salty foods.

A low whistle from behind causes you to bristle, and you turn around to shove your container of Kewpie mayonnaise into the offender’s chest.

“I promise, I don’t wolf-whistle just any pretty girl at 7-Eleven.”

Your weapon of choice drops into your basket, face softening at the man in front of you. “Hoseok?”

You almost double-take, thinking for just a half-second that you could be dreaming. It’s been so long, but seeing the pearly white grin on his face and the red cap on his head feels all too familiar, and you’re overwhelmed with emotion. Dropping your basket you throw your arms around him, laughing when he nearly stumbles and you two almost topple over the dried foods section.

Heat stains Hoseok’s cheeks, not used to being this close with you. “Didn’t think you had it in you to miss me,” he says lightly, only half-joking.

“Of course I missed you, Hobi,” you admonish, leaning back slightly to adjust the cap that turned wonky once you embraced him. “It’s been what, two months?”

“Almost five, actually,” you can feel him tense up as you try to adjust the bangs on his forehead. This must be really awkward for him, but you made a promise to someone to try to become better friends with him, so why not start now? “But I guess it doesn’t count for you if you were in a coma for two of them.”

“Right,”

Hoseok watches your eyes glaze over, deep in thought. In his haste he grabs your basket, gesturing for you to follow him to the register. You don’t even argue when he starts to pay for you, slipping the bottle of aspirin he wanted to pick up upon finding you in the same aisle.

“Hobi?” you ask, following him outside.

“Yeah?”

“We should hang out,” you say, ignoring the surprise on Hoseok’s features. He wasn’t expecting that, “My family pretty much rearranged my place while I was away, and put in a lot of home workout stuff,” he chuckles at the face you make, “but they left my old tennis racket. I know you used to play so I could use a partner.”

To your utter relief Hoseok nods brightly, “I’d like that.”

You grin, taking your leave as Hoseok follows your trail. You try to hide how giddy you are by hiding your head in your hood, smiling wide at the thought of spending more time with Hoseok. Both of you seem to be headed in the same direction, Hoseok making small talk about what’s going on in his life and what you’ve missed.

He stops in front of the apartment complex, gesturing to the studio he’s currently practicing in. “I should go call Jungkook for you,” he says, “he’s been worried sick about you.”

At the mention of Jungkook, you shove your hands in your burgundy pocket, wringing at the old fabric. “I’ll call him tomorrow,” you say, biting your lip, “I’m not quite ready yet.”

“Of course,” and it looks like he wants to ask more, but out of politeness he doesn’t. He’s always had a vague understanding of your relationship with Jungkook, but it isn’t his business. “But if he asks about you—which he does a lot and it’s super annoying—I’m not lying.”

“Wouldn’t expect you to,” you smile.

“That boy, he visited you every day he could. You know that?” Your heart softens at the confession, and you heat up. Hoseok reaches over to squeeze your shoulder, bending down to send you a smile equally as heartening. “So call him soon, okay?”

The both of you part ways feeling lighter and sweeter. The rest of your way back up to your apartment is peaceful, until you hear someone crying on your floor. Your heart aches seeing your old co-worker slumped up against your door. Her hair has grown in, surprisingly not styled and she looks like she’s just ran a marathon to beat you. When she sees you approach her, she gives you a wobbly pout.

“You bitch,” Sehlyung says with no bite to her tone. She’s teary, and has been sitting against your door because the lock has changed. You must’ve just missed each other, “why didn’t you tell me the second you arrived in the city?”

“I was just going to call you,” you bend down to reach her eyes, “how’d you know I was already here?”

“C-cousin texted me,” she holds up her phone, wiping her face with her sleeve, “she’s a surprisingly good texter for a five-year-old.”

You laugh, offering a hand to pull her up. “I’ve missed you,”

“Fuck, I’ve missed you too,” and she hugs you, squeezing your insides out with every fiber of your being. “I’m so so sorry, baby.”

“It’s not your fault—”

“I fucking know! I know it’s not my fault but just let me be sorry and hug you,” you relent after that, letting her cry on your shoulder as you fumble for the door so you can both catch up comfortably.

You set up the table for your feast, lining up everything from 7-Eleven onto the coffee table as Sehlyung busies herself by pouring you guys cups of tea. She eats quietly, to your surprise. You didn’t realize how much this accident would have affected her, especially being the last person you saw before you left. The two of you exchange simple, mindless talk, with Sehlyung complaining about how much harder work has gotten and how boring your life in the facility, to the point that you wanted to teach the patients English just for the fun of it.

Sehlyung still looks a little weary, as if expecting you to be upset and blame her like she wanted to. You don’t give her that, instead you reach over to pat the black roots of her hair. “Girl, how could you let it grow out like this?” you admonish, knowing how much she hated to see roots after the first two weeks.

“Was waiting for you,” she mumbled between bites of her onigiri, “you’re the only one that does my roots. Can’t have some salon jip me for hundreds of won just because you got into a coma.”

You laugh, patting your knees as you move to your bathroom. “Pretty sure your hair stuff is still here,” you chirp, “let me fix that for you while you’re here, yeah?”

After the day is spent and Sehlyung’s hair is freshly dyed, you two cap off the night with some popcorn and a subpar romance movie. The two of you aren’t really paying much attention to it, instead the focus is on the silent understanding the two of you have as you bask in each other's presence.

Sehlyung leans her head on her shoulder, smelling like fresh conditioner. “Y’know,” she says, “he blames himself too.”

“Jungkook?” you know exactly who she's referring to.

“Yeah, probably because of what he said that night,”

“You two are such softies,” you remark, pulling her closer, “all tough and strong on the outside so no one sees how weak you are to the people you love.”

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

Cleaning up your work locker is like unfolding a time capsule.

Thankfully, everything’s still there (aside from your Caprese sandwich Sehlyung so thankfully remembered to dispose of.) You take great care in putting all your things in your duffle bag, from your extra hoodie in case it gets cold to the soft covered textbooks that are worn from love and overuse.

You thumb your finger over the photograph of you and Jungkook, untacking it from the inside door. You don’t even remember when this was taken, a blurry polaroid of you on his back with sparklers in each hand. Both of you look hysterical, from the manic grin on Jungkook’s face to the slightly panicked face you sport because the sparklers are hovering dangerously close to your faces.

A little part of you feels bittersweet in closing this part of your life, but you have a feeling that this chapter ended long ago.

Making quick work to drop off your locker key among other workstuffs, you manage to catch a glimpse of some familiar faces working. The studio door is open, presumably to air out the seven sweaty bodies that have been working tirelessly. You pop your head open, nose crinkling at the smell.

You barely get a word in as passing staff come to greet you and marvel on your recovery. It’s a little overwhelming, but seeing the relief and relaxation on their faces as they take in your healed body like you’re Jesus reincarnate.

You also notice that Jungkook’s nowhere in sight.

Namjoon bumbles over to you, throwing himself on you like a bear swallowing you whole. “We missed you so much!”

“Ugh, sweaty!” you make a face when his muscle tee is practically transparent, “Joon, you’re like a sauna!”

He fakes a defeated sigh, making an exaggerated gesture of holding his shoulders in a tired shrug. “I get it, you don’t wanna hug me,” he declares, “after months and months, the only person you’re really looking for in this room is Jeon—” you squirm among the staff and the way they mull around the room, seemingly disinterested in your conversation.

But of course, you never know who could be listening in.

Namjoon cuts himself short and squeezes your shoulder, as if to say you know what I mean.

“You actually just missed him. He left his extra clothes at the dorm. If you leave now, you’ll be able to catch him,” Jimin offers. He’s slumped on the ground, regarding you with a secret smile.

“Yeah, and it’s okay if he’s five minutes late.” Hoseok pipes up, downing a water bottle.

“Or ten.”

“Or a day late,” Hoseok finally says, “a day is fine.”

You snort, looking between the three boys. “I wasn’t looking for him,” you scoff, but from the looks on their faces, they already knew. With an exasperated shout and a rushed goodbye, you dart out of the studio, acutely aware of the giggles that follow you out.

•━━━━━━»•»💮💮💮«•«━━•••

The floor of their apartment took up the entire complex and then some, so you had to get Namjoon’s code to reach that floor. A little part of you knew you also could’ve just texted Jungkook to wait for you, but you had an inkling you would chicken out the second your phone indicated he was typing. The animated (...) always gave you a little bit of anxiety.

But now you’re at their front door and you’re not so sure if you feel ready. You felt ready this morning, when you dressed “comfortably but cute” in an outfit appropriate for cleaning out your previous job’s locker and just so happening to stumble upon Jungkook. That didn’t happen, and now you no longer have the cushion of being at the company surrounded by people.

It would just be him and you, for as long as you two need.

You’re only allowed to dive headfirst into the situation, because suddenly Jungkook is barreling out the door, presumably rushing to get to practice. He’s also equal amounts of sweaty, but at least has a clean shirt on. The white cotton is haphazardly thrown on, the collar so wide that the gap seeps onto his tanned chest.

Said chest barrels into your face, and you go down hard.

He cries your name like a prayer, dropping whatever’s in his hands to kneel to your aid. He’s shaking, unable to register that you’re simultaneously here and not here because he just bulldozed the entirety of his weight into your unsuspecting body.

You’re dizzy, trying hard to focus on him through bleary eyes. Jungkook looks like he’s about to cry. His carmine eyes scan your body for damages, and his one hand cards roughly through his untrimmed hair. The slight curl from yesterday’s salon job has lessened, but still manages to bounce back despite his futile attempts to get his bangs out of the way.

“J-Jung—” dammit, why was it so hard to formulate two syllables? “Oreos.”

“Wha?”

“Your Oreos,” your eyes flicker to the quickly escaping tins that came from his arms, wheeling further and further down the hallway, “running away.”

He scoffs, but you can tell he’s trying not to laugh by the quirk of his lips, “They’re fine. They’re not going anywhere,” he steps back a bit, sitting on his heels to give you some breathing room, “you on the other hand, can’t go anywhere.”

You narrow your eyes, “I didn’t come here to just leave,” you say, “I came here to talk to you, until you so gracefully said hello to me with the entirety of your muscle mass.”

Jungkook deflates, “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” so much for a graceful start, “let’s get inside.”

“I uh, I have practice,” but he scrambles to pick up the Oreos and the clothes he dropped, “so we can start talking for a bit and then… ?”

“Ah, Hoseok said you can come to practice tomorrow,” he lights up at the mention of his friend, “I mean, if you want. I don’t know how important this practice is but—”

“It’s not,” he blurts, then sees the shock on your face when he’s cut you off, “I mean, it’s important but not that important. I mean uh, in comparison to now, and your head… and the Oreos.”

“Right.”

Not trusting yourself to get up too fast, you decide to crawl around to gather up the tins of Oreos while Jungkook moves to pick up your bag. With three tins gathered in your arms, you take the proffered hand Jungkook offers you to hoist you up. Your head throbs a little, but you know Jungkook’s got you. You try not to think too hard about the hand in your grip as it switches to hover over your waist as he leads you inside.

The penthouse isn’t as different as you imagined it would be. Then again, you could imagine how little time they spend in here anyway. The granite and dark wood kitchen remains, and your hands hover over the cool material. You’ve always been jealous of their living space, and often grumble about how their kitchen and living room spans about three sizes of your apartment combined.

Jungkook’s nose pokes in your bag as he sets it down, “You picked up all your work stuff?”

“Yeah,”

He gives you a strained smile, “It’s definitely not going to be the same without you at work,” you can tell how equal parts truthful and embarrassed he is, given by the way he breaks eye contact with you. “I mean, we can put in a good word for you if you want to come back?” he offers, “I don’t know if there’s still a position available for teachers but,”

You shake your head, one hand gripping the counter. You want to tell him that it isn’t his job to find him, but your heart is feeling particularly achy looking at the way he does want to help. After all, you two were still very close before your coma and the weeks leading up to your fight, “I think I want to try new things,” you say, “but thanks anyway.”

“Oh-kay,” his eyes look towards where you two should get comfy. The living room is the most obvious option, but the thought of any of his members or staff coming in at any moment terrifies him, “let’s go to my room.”

Unfortunately the Golden Closet isn’t made for two. He blanches as you two appear at his front door, noting the odds and ends of speakers, mixers, cameras and microphones taking up space on the floor and his desk. God, you must think he really doesn’t have his shit together after all this time.

“So, you still sleep on electrical equipment?” you say wryly, climbing up to reach the bed. The only reason the bed is unoccupied is because it’s a half-bunk, high enough to avoid any of Jungkook’s things.

It takes a second for Jungkook to follow you up, and he almost loses his breath at the sight of you sitting cross-legged, waiting patiently for him to sit across from you. It’s like old times, where you’d sleep in his room and wait for him to get back so you can finish another episode of whatever show you two were catching up on. It’s been awhile since he’s slept in his own bed, so the sheets are fresh and it's easy for you to sit on a clean space.

“So,” Jungkook exhales, “what’s being in a coma like?”

He wants to slap himself. Repeatedly.

Your demeanor cracks, and maybe it wasn’t the wrong thing to say because up until now he never realized how much he missed your smile. “Waking up was the awful part, like the truck crashed into me in the middle of the room,” you reel it back when you see Jungkook’s face pinch, as if he thought back to his time watching over you in the hospital, helpless, “but uh, other than that, quite painless.”

“That’s a relief,” and you feel better seeing Jungkook’s shoulders slump in his t-shirt, looking relatively calmer than before. You tilt your head, wanting to gauge his expression by sneaking a glance under his chin, where he’s tucked in his facials. “I uh, about the last time we talked…” In other words, the last time we fought, but he’s still not looking at you, and it’s so unlike him. Jungkook doesn’t like beating around the bush, he’s a man who likes to cut to the chase and get straight to the poison of a conversation.

But it’s been a full thirty seconds and you decide that’s enough, as he’s starting to look like a tortured animal and you feel the need to put him out of his misery.

Placing a gentle hand on his knee you breathe, “It’s okay,” and his eyes flicker to yours, expectant. “I’m not going to push it, push us anymore. That wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry. But we can still be friends and that’s more important to me.”

And suddenly Jungkook’s face shoots up and he’s panicked. He looks sweaty, scarlet, and on edge all over again, as if you asked him to jump off Mount Fuji without a spotter. “Wait, wait,” he splutters, nearly banging his head on his ceiling. Jungkook tugs your hand back, pulling you to him, “y-you don’t want to try anymore?”

You stare hard at the hand encasing yours, “Like I said, I want to start a new chapter in life.”

“But that’s not what I was getting at.”

You raise a brow, “So then what are you getting at?”

And he clams up again. If you two were in a bigger space, you could imagine yourself tapping your foot impatiently, to the point that it got annoying and Jungkook would snap at you and give you a proper explanation to his weird behavior.

Finally he exhales, “I dreamed about you.”

You narrow your eyes in confusion, “What kind of dreams?”

“Random ones,” he shakes his head, trying to recollect them. “They were of us, but not really us, y’know? It was like a different life, we did all the fun stuff we used to do,” he frowns, thinking he must sound really stupid that he’s betting everything on a couple of imaginations, “and some of it wasn’t. Like we’d be in the city taking pictures, or arguing in a library. But we were so happy,” he stops himself, because now he’s starting to feel silly, “and it made me think of what would happen if I met you under different circumstances, and even though it’s hard under our circumstances I want—a-are you crying?”

You start to whine, displeased with your emotions as you start to think about the past four months. Had Jungkook seen what you lived through? If so, how? Rubbing furiously at your eyes, you shake your head furiously, “Sorry, it’s just been awhile since I’ve cried it out,” you forge up, “pl-please continue.”

Jungkook moves sloth-slow, making sure his actions didn’t hurt you in any way. When he senses your consent, he pulls you over to his side of the bed, wrapping a tentative arm around your shoulder. Your scent engulfs his senses when you instinctively lay your head on his shoulder, your breath lingering between his neck.

“I really hated myself for a while,” he admits, “when I saw you in that hospital bed, I just couldn’t stop thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to experience with you and,” he’s starting to feel a glimmer of what you’re feeling, and he sniffs, resting his chin on your head, “if you’re going to start a new chapter in life, I want to be part of it too because I love you.”

Expecting your shock, he turns his head away for yours to whip up, face centimeters from yours. “Y-you love me?” you echo, mouth open and eyes wide.

He laughs at your expression, “I’m sure you knew that. We’ve been idiots for the better half of the year.”

“I know… but hearing it is different!” you’re caught up in the whirlwind, leaning forward to tug on his collar, “C-can I kiss you?” A little part of you is impatient, a bit too greedy for your usual demeanor but you’ve longed for him so.

Jungkook pouts, “You didn’t even say I love you back.”

“That’s a no?”

“I didn’t even brush my teeth…”

“Jungkook.”

He tries not to smile too hard at your eagerness. As much as he wants to kiss you, he needs to think better and continue on with his apology. It’s the least you deserve. “I’m sorry for not respecting your feelings that day,” he says, running his hands across your body. They stop at the curve of your waist, holding you down flush against him. You feel your body sing in response, but you tamp it down when he continues, “I shouldn’t have made the decision for you by rejecting you like that, it… it wasn’t fair to our feelings.”

“It wasn’t fair at all, and it hurt a lot.” you agree completely, and as much as it pained him to hear it, he needed to. Letting go of his collar, you sit back between his legs, “but I understand why.”

“And the next morning when I woke up, and everyone was crying I—” he’s choked up, tangling a hand through your hair to affirm that you’re really here, and really okay, “I know it’s not my fault, but I felt like I was in a movie. Like one of those crappy romances where one character gets into a really bad accident and the dumb boy finally realizes how much he loves her.”

He looks guilty, as if he wants to tack on how he feels like it is his fault. Jungkook bites his lip, fearful that you’ve realized he’s not good enough for you. No matter how many times he’s fabricated the scenario in his head, he only pictures the disappointment and pain in your features for falling for a guy like him.

But instead, you reach over with bright eyes leaning on your elbows to press a kiss to Jungkook’s mouth. It isn’t even a long kiss, but it feels nothing short of a cool wave washing him in relief. You pull away before he could deepen it, and you giggle when you see his mouth still puckered open like a fish. “You are a dumb boy,” you murmur, “but I still love you.”

You go soft in his grip when his eyes glow, sparkling carmine with nothing but sheer love and affection for you. The feeling comes unbridled, genuine and all-encompassing for the first time in a long time. He doesn’t know how much time he can cherish with you before he’s whisked away to his next activity, but he can surely make the best of what he has now.

It takes no effort for him to pull you in a sitting position, making it so your arms wrap around his trim waist. Snug together, he presses kisses to every part of your face, your nose, your cheeks, your forehead, your lips.

This feeling, this touch is long overdue for the both of you, but you’re languid in your attention, letting it wash over you like the sun on a warm day. You’ve missed him so much, you’ve missed this Jungkook. The man who has been with you through thick and thin for over a year, who’s struggled with the weight of the world and the audience of millions, is in love with you as much as you are him. Jungkook, who sings your worries away and makes you want to become a better person with each passing moment, is holding you like the most precious thing on the planet.

His kisses turn white hot, wetting your neck as he hoists you up to settle neatly on his thighs. A soft, high-pitched sigh escapes your lips when you feel something hard and thick press into your core.

A sense of urgency fills his radar at the press of your thighs locking tighter around his body. “Fuck, babe—” his hands grip the swell of your hips, bucking into you once, twice, so hard that the frame shakes. “You’re so, pretty I—” you moan into his neck, hands running every expanse of available skin, “I love you so, so much, pretty girl.”

You stop to clutch his face with both hands, enjoying the way your thumbs brush his pretty cheekbones and your palms fill with his soft, adorable cheeks. “I love you, too. Now, will you make love to me?”

“Fuck, yes,” and the fondness in your eyes immediately glaze over when he throws all his weight into you again, making you feel weak and wet with pleasure.

“Jungkook,” you drawl, “just like that, please I—AH!”

It isn’t a cry of pleasure. A little too into it, Jungkook thrusts particularly hard, enough for you to come down and the bedframe to soon follow. There’s a sickening crack in the metal, and the both of you immediately scramble as you feel your combined weight sinking into the corner of the bunk. Jungkook clutches your body in a vice, prepared to protect you in the event you two come crashing down. Now Jungkook remembers why he hasn’t been sleeping in his bed as of late.

It’s dead silent, apart from your labored breathing. When your eyes finally refocus, you notice that you two have dipped and you’re looking at Jungkook from a slight angle, your weight tipping. You two broke the frame.

“Kook,” you cry, digging your nails into his shoulder, “you need a new bed!”

He shakes his head, “Don’t think this bed was made for this kind of activity,” he peels the thin mattress, noting the way that two bolts in the paneling have come loose. One panel has already slipped, hanging at the edge and creating a large gap. He shakes his butt experimentally, noting the way the framework swerves with him. “That’s not good.”

“How could you have not noticed the loose bed frame!”

“It’s kind of hard to worry about your bed when you have a job that requires you being awake 25/8.”

“Well, how do we get down without bringing the whole frame down?”

“Uh, I’ll throw you down in that little space by the door. Make sure to tuck in your knees and make a ‘lil triangle with your hands in case—”

“What the fuck—you’re going to take a chance and throw the love of your life down the bunk?”

“Babeeee,” he whines, eyes zeroing in on his precious computer directly under the frame, “there’s expensive equipment down there!”

With a glare, you swivel your hips on his dick and he groans, unable to move. He barely gets a centimeter upwards before the frame moves and squeaks even lower. You don’t bat an eye when Jungkook panics for your safety over pleasure. Payback. “Call Seokjin,” you demand, pulling out your phone from your back pocket, “now.”

There’s something familiar in this kind of banter, and you want to akin this feeling to home. All your tears shed, your longings to go back to this world, all pinpoint to the home that is Jeon Jungkook.

Jungkook mutters something under his breath about you being too bossy, punching the numbers in. As soon as Seokjin answers, you send him a sultry wink and move.

It… isn’t sexy. You’re giggling as Jungkook holds his breath, tells Seokjin on the line as tersely as possible that he needs to get here as soon as possible with some help and a new bed frame. Jungkook’s face is read, giving you warning looks as you bounce on him, the metal edging you on in a way that’s simultaneously unsafe and thrilling. When Jungkook hangs up, he sends you a look that says you’re gonna get it but instead presses a lingering kiss to your forehead. The chaste gesture makes you melt in his arms.

Silent, he pulls away and your thumb brushes his shiny lips, smiling at you as you wait it out.

As you lean your head in his shoulder and wait for help, you’re reminded of something. Not long ago, another Jungkook told you that he couldn’t wait to fall in love with you again, and now you’re echoing the same sentiment. You can’t wait to love him, too.

#jungkook fic #jungkook fluff #bts fic #goldenclosetnet #btsghostiebingo #jungkook fanfic #bts fanfic

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lover-of-trash-and-people · 3 years

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im angrier this time? netflix shadow and bone s1e7 re-watch (substituting alcohol with iced coffee this time) (oh, also, spoilers)

yes jesper shooting ketterdam cards title card omg I straight up forgot that this was the darkling backstory episode we all know I love bin bons as much as the next person but um can we petition to never see the flashback darkling look again I kind of love Luda but I find the entire backstory kind of unnecessary even though I get why they did it okay mr. barnes king of micro-expressions alright fuck you show makers with you breaking my heart showing me how the Grisha have had to go through this countless times that they have their plans memorized oy dumbass otkazat'sya man you speak the darkling's name with some respect alright I've got to accept the tricck they use against the king's men is pretty cool omg you fucking bitch this is exactly why people say acab I've seen people say why couldn't he have broken his bonds and killed them before they killed Luda and I truly believe a) he didn't want to kill unnecessarily and b) Luda's life was at stake so like I get it okay so I don't like the 'just mortal' thing they brought it to sort of drive darklina soulmates agenda home because lmao that is not why okay I get Baghra's points but I don't like her, she like made more sense in the books her position on merzost is true to the books but like her pacifist stance is not the same and it just doesn't make sense okay I like the poc tidemaker in their company the score when the king's men soon to be volcra confront the darkling is impeccable that blast of darkness that we see spread outwards from him was very cool dunno how I feel about him hyperventilating and the fold flowing from him like an inky black liquid god, the score when baghra asks alek 'what did you do' is so eerie and beautiful that transition was on fucking point HOW IS KANEJ IS SO ON POINT I SIMPLY CANNOT the Inej Jesper bond is so beautiful I love it okay I love and hate how they refer to Inej's horrible time at the Menagerie so briefly and yet try to add so much impact to it omg why is Jesper about to make me cry cut to Malina huddled together? okay, show god I hate how the amplifier storyline is so incredibly poorly developed the stag is so beautiful I can't 'maybe there's another way to do this'?! again with the sgegehshshsjsjs I hate it here, fucking explain it at least okay fine the shot of Alina lighting up as she touches the stag and smiling with the soft violin in the back was beautiful now time to say bye to the stag and cry I guess okay I love zoya, she feels very authentic to book 1 zoya with maybe a few tweaks we love to see a man with plot armour uwu okay Alina my fucking queen taking out the arrow would cause him to bleed out faster why would you do that the dumbassery okay alek you overdramatic bitch I LOVED THE LIGHT SHIELD lmao I'm gonna cry at how nasal and supervillain-y the Darkling sounds when he says 'you can't save them all Alina' like okay king maybe that line could have better delivery I'm so sorry I love you so much I'm still a BB stan 'you've lost too much blood' maybe if you wouldn't have taken the arrow out you dumbass 'you said you wouldn't hurt him' nobody said that Alina but I get it you've been through a lot you're obviously not thinking love the cut, she's always cool 'miss starkov' you're in tsarist russia stfu ono I'm not prepared for this Kanej scene I need several minutes they're so perfect 'Jesper fixed your cane' I see you writers thinking they're clever omg Amita shivering from the cold babe I'm so proud of you you're so incredibly cool I love his little jaw movements before he says 'you were right' and her composing herself before turning around due to the shock of hearing these words from Kaz's mouth okay we've all talked about the voice break when he says 'she's real' so I will not dwell on it but it was beautiful the little head bend after he says 'and you' as if catching himself before saying 'and jesper' yes sir that was very convincing AAAAAHHHH IT'S HAPPENING I CAN'T COPE yeah okay fuck you I'm crying Kaz's expression at 'I can't go back to the Menagerie' being literally 'I can't believe

you think I'll ever let that happen' you fucking idiots I hate you and how much you love each other you are disgusting David so much so as breathes I love him Him saying 'Im going to place this around your neck' comedic genius David looks so sad my baby angel it's not your fault get that man's true name out of your mouth Starkov you're not supposed to know it let alone say it in front of other people aleksander this is the first time I've truly disliked you, you fucking asshole, Alina my love please don't believe him (why am I saying it like I haven't read the books and watched this already) LUKE HAVING ACTUAL TEARS IN HIS EYES AS HE PLACES THE ANTLERS AT HER NECK WHY IS HE SO GOOD AAAAAAAAA I didn't notice Ivan slowing her heart on my first watch, is that to reduce the pain ouch I am even more sad now okay Jessie you did it again Emmy time for all of these people okay the violin being sad and terrifying this is so good Luke being sad, Jessie literally crying I fucking can't do this anymore 'this is my power' 'but now I control it' really? that was the best you could do at this scene that is meant to have this great of an impact? him sort of pushing her down made me even more upset I'm so mad right now Freddie's microexpression with the eye when Inej says 'Jes has a point' Jessie looks so perfectly shell-shocked, I love them so so much the prosthetic's so gross, I love it so much DAISY HEAD IS THE PERFECT GENYA I WILL ACCEPT NO COMPLAINTS She brought me to tears and I love it Alina pointing out the Darkling's role in Genya's circumstances this early on, we love to see a well deserved call out it seemed very unlikely to me that Kaz would agree to go home empty handed but I do think it would make sense to cut their losses at a certain point I love the Kribirsk camp sets far too much, they seem to have literally leapt out of the books the darkling coming to see Mal seems very fanservice-ey and not at all adding to the plot in any way but I love it Archie bringing that youthful brashness to Mal that we all know he would have is wonderful mal calling the darkling 'shadow man' lmao I'm gonna cry 'you are a child' yeah Alek babe it's best you don't talk about that Alina is of the same age as he is I wanna go to Ben Barnes' school of nose acting because god damn Archie perfectly bringing to life Mal's realisation of the impact that Alina's immortality will bring to their life together oof sir you don't understand how perfect it is that Ben's eyes are actually that dark 'you'll wish you killed me here' it's okay honey you lost this one the Crows being the Crows I love them can we please have Jesper wearing the Zemeni man's red suit be a stepping stone to him wearing fancy clothes of outrageous colours like lime green and orange in the six of crows timeline because the fans will lose their shit and you know it Inej looking fucking fabulous in her suit I can't Kanej smiling at their crazy little bi son's antics okay can we talk about Milo literally saving the day because writer's room im looking at you you're a bunch of crazy mfers and I love you but I also hate you also I get that Mal's a tracker but would he actually have food in his pocket I know this joke has been made before but like Mal pretending to be asleep after waking the guard up is every teenager pretending to be asleep when their parents come to check on them in the middle of the night omg it's the scene those beautiful gauzy curtains at the door of the tent, I want them so bad 'you are special' he says standing stiffly at the door with a creepy inflection why am I suddenly an anti wtf I want his kefta so bad though 'my parents' I love that the show added her losing her parents to him as well because well it makes him even more villanous in her eyes doesn't it no matter what she might have felt for him uwu first fight as a couple (I'm kidding please stop) I love Jessie as Alina so much darkles don't even go off comparing being Grisha to being half-shu you can't compare experiences of being the other that interchangeably yes baby call him out on his

hypocrisy man I'm so conflicted like I understand his motivations and his story so well but like how is this helping okay but Alina's expression changing ever so slightly at him saying 'you and me' stop breaking my fucking heart assholes why is Jessie breaking my heart more on this watch than Ben did on the first one I knew it before he said it but I still gasped when he did on my first watch the little head tilt after he says it still with tears in his fucking eyes man I love this show this was the most devastating break up I have ever experienced and I will not accept any counter arguments okay actual villain time we love to see it sir please don't erotically remove her cloak you have long lost the right again I knew it before they said it but them saying it had me screaming WHAT A GLORIOUS EPISODE

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shock · 5 years

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im not going to put a kid on blast but a 14 year old just messaged me very upset that i support “transtrenders” saying ‘its not 2011 anymore’ and that “[transtrenders] are people who come into our community to tell us to die because we’re not the fun and trendy trans people because we feel more deeply because we’re embarrassing and serious“... first of all, you were 6 years old in 2011.

second, i am not the one who gets to decide someone’s intimate relationship with gender or decide that i feel things “more deeply” than them. i find it so strange and disturbing that other trans people think they get to decide for other people how correct their transgender experience is when they know what it feels like to have their bodies and minds poisoned by other people dictating what they’re allowed to be.

and there is no method to suss out fucking “transtrenders” anyway. why is that a priority at all, when other trans people aren’t the enemy, and the reason we aren’t taken seriously is because people don’t want to take us seriously anyway? that no matter how neatly we fit ourselves into a perfect ‘serious’ box, the people who don’t want to accept us simply won’t?

i’ll use myself as an example. do i look the part? why? why not? is looking at me enough to decide if i matter? everyone who knows me knows that my dysphoria has brought me nearly to suicide, my being transgender made me leave home at 17 from a lack of support, i am several years into a medical transition. another fun fact is that at every single stage of my transition i have been harassed, misgendered, and hurt.

at what point am i a transtrender?

was it one of the first times when i used he/him pronouns when this picture was taken, at 15 years old?

was it when i used he/him pronouns when this was taken, at 17 years old?

how about an actual picture of me from 2011? was this middle-schooler who knew deep down that being a girl was deeply unsettling, uncomfortable, and wrong... a transtrender? look! he doesn’t ~look the part~ at all!

how about the (i believe early 18) year old me who wore this to the unofficial LGBT prom because he did not feel safe at the official school prom, and had such a great time and felt elated at having somewhere he could be himself?

what about four months on HRT? oh god, he’s wearing shorts! AND FUNNY SOCKS!

oh, only a TRANSTRENDER (1 year on T) would be having this much fun!

a REAL transgender person (1 year on T) would NEVER pose funny in a binder, just because it was fun!

FUCK, would a real trans man wear PIIIIIINK?! would a REAL trans man really decide he just doesn’t want to wear binders ever again at age 20, 3+ years on HRT?

shiiiit, would a REAL trans man 3+ years on T wear some makeup and a silly outfit to pride?! I THINK NOT! FAKE!

oh, and heaven forbid, a REAL trans man would NEVER wear a woman’s blazer just because it looks good! that’s so incorrect!

a REAL trans man should only ever be serious, and be forever sad and stagnant about his plight. a REAL trans man would never enjoy life, love himself, learn to care for himself however he may be, have hobbies, or smile genuinely in pictures. MUST be fake.

at every point in my life i was transgender. just because i wasn’t transgender in a way you think is true or correct, doesn’t mean i didn’t get where i am now despite all that stupid bullshit i had thrown at me. i’m me. stick to you. learn to love you, love everything about you, care about you, before you think you get to decide who someone else is for them.

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fucker-anon · 3 years

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Bloody Painter Headcanons

am i gonna write about helen even tho no one cares? fUCK YEA @creepy-bi-day hope you enjoy. Im still not a writer sorry :/. also my personal hcs, its okay to disagree. Also dark themes again.

Bloody Painter

Backstory:

was born on Oct 1st, 1980, fully name Helen Otis

mother is white, father is Japanese

is an only child. Helen’s parents had a very difficult time in getting pregnant like yeeeaaars (10 ish) and they also really wanted a girl. Like in their head, they would be getting a girl. and when they did get pregnant the ultra scan did show a girl. so they were in shock when a boy popped out.

they no likely. Since helen’s mom was a teacher, they decided to raise the boy as a girl and simply homeschool them until they had to go to college, once there they could simply transition into a girl. This is how they thought trans people were so they thought they’ll do the same to get a girl (This was obliviously wrong)

so they tried to do that but mother couldn’t get the needed forms and paperwork to homeschool Helen so they had to go to school. so their parents decided the best thing to do was to make them as manly as possible in 6 months. so everything pink and girl (lots of which were comfort items like plushies, and art things) were thrown out in front of poor 6 year old Helen who didn’t understand what was happening. Helen couldn’t do art, couldn’t wear certain clothes, couldn’t say certain things. punishments weren’t physical but there was a lot of yelling.

around the 3 month before school started, their parents decided that maybe Helen should meet their grandparents (parents kept giving excuses why they couldn’t visit). everything was going swell until the grandparents on the father’s side asked why name their BOY a GIRL name. before the parents could say anything, helen said “cause im a girl?” ... yaaaa queerphobic grandparents and little helen didn’t get along. plus helen was white passing so asian grandparents blamed their mom.

parents cut contact with the grandparents, and yelled at helen a lot. (poor bby) this mental abuse continued over 3 months and caused helen to stop talking and start repressing a lot of his feeling which his parents encouraged cause “”bOYs donT hAve fEeLinGs””

in school, the parents told the teacher that there was a mix up when filling out his name and that they should call him Otis. Of course one teacher messed up and called him Helen, and then they got a lot of comments form their peers, but they learned not to say that they were a girl at this point.

helen was lightly bullied for his name, and when they tried to tell a teacher they were told to “man up :))”

and so more repressing feelings

it wasn’t until middle school where someone (a kid who they later learned was named tom), stole and planted a watch of another girl into helen’s bag. This meant helen’s bullying got a lot worse. Before it was a comment here or there, now it was physical and a lot often. this is also when he began to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression.

he slowly became friends with Tom, who was also bullied a lot. But one day Tom took Helen to the roof where Tom confessed into planting the watch. Helen was very upset, and the two started to argue when Tom slipped off the edge, Helen tried to hold on to Tom, but Tom let go of his hand. Tom dead.

there was an investigation done, and Helen wasn’t in trouble as some students and teachers said how they saw him hold onto Tom. The school was given a speech about how bullying was bad, and tried to get things back to normal. Helen’s bully did die down, tho lots of ppl tried to spread rumors about how he pushed Tom.

his parents were more upset over how this would look and not about Helen’s mental health. Helen never told them about the bulling.

When high school started, the bullies acted as if nothing happened. and on Halloween, Helen snapped and killed 5 of the main bullies. He was caught and sent to a mental hospital.

so you think that finally, Helen can get the help they need right :)). ahhah no....

so the hospital did diagnose Helen with depression and a mild case of anxiety, but basically put them on pills. the actually therapist had a very hard time getting Helen to open up. this is because the on their first session helen started with his gender identity, and the therapist told him “look you are biologically a boy, so you must be a boy :))” and when they said that sometimes he felt more comfortable when they were more fem, they was told that was wrong.

so helen shut up like a clam cause they did not feel safe with this guy

at least they learned how to somewhat manage their depression and anxiety :)

once helen turned 18 he was released, and Helen decided to be an artist and not kill. but he saw another one of his bullies and said fuck it.

slender saw and was like “i like this child. imma adopt them”

and Helen joined the mansion

Personality:

look Helen was mocked and betrayed by basically every person in their life, they don’t trust ppl

they are nice, but they don’t new people

if you’re nice they’ll be nice, if you’re mean they’ll be mean, simple

cold hearted, look if you are neutral to them and get run over by car they wont do anything. the world was shit to them, they’re shit back.

quiet. like Helen could be inches away and you still won’t hear them

buttttt if you get close (good luck) you see a passionate, kinda nerdy, very kinda touch starved, sarcastic person who just lived a shitty life.

Fun Facts:

k mans has a 6 inch dick, 7 when hard, but is thick, and stretches you out-

*cough* moving on-

bi sexual. Helen has a very hard time acknowledging romantic feelings but is down to date the girls, gays and theys. again good luck getting there but it may happen.

gender fluid Helen has come a long way and their gender identity has ranged from girl, boy, both, none and yes. They’ve settled on gender-neutral pronouns but doesn’t hate being called she/her or he/him usually. On a bad day, they can’t say the same.

Called them painter. The only ppl who can called them by their birth names are ppl who are close to them. On fem days, they like Helen. On masc days, they like Otis. Sometimes they don’t care, sometimes they just wanna be called painter. If you’re not sure and you actually care just ask, he’ll say what day it is. usually they dress accordingly, but still if you’re not sure ask, they’ll prefer it.

Speaking of clothes, the fit??? is on point???? like imagine dark academia with more blues, blacks and tans. Helen looks like the protagonist of a boarding school au.

they will wear skirt and dresses and corsets, and do they’re (slightly basic) hair and makeup.

some creeps (jeff) tried to make fun of helen for this. And when you look at Helen you dont think that they’re much of a fight. Helen’s lean and kinda thin (kid doesn’t eat a lot), but Helen did karate for year cause their dad wanted their “perfectly normal son” to do something manly and kinda close to their culture. Helen learned how to fight with a very good guard and how to be very fast but not so much strong. Wasn’t until he got out of the mental hospital did he learn about pressure points, specially those that dont need a lot pressure :) you see where this is going.

Basically Helen is that one movie character who touches a spot on someone's neck and they pass out. (this is the best i can describe it, they dont do this exactly but similar things)

also very talented at art and arty things. like annoyingly good. he’ll try wood craving and make amazing things after only learning about it an hour ago. Current draws online and does online commissions to pay for his coffee

actually likes hunting, not with gun but with like bows an arrows. they dont hunt often cause they like animals

has to finish whatever they’re working on. please force this baby into bed

has a coffee addiction

likes classical music and lofi.

dont talk about the whole painting with blood thing, they were 14, it was cringey, they know

hair is like chin length ish, its black with waves, so if they wanna be masc they can tie it up and when its fem, they can let it down and straighten it

forgets to eat, feed them

k this is long. As you can see I can also write a whole essay about Helen. I will write about Helen’s and Johnny friendship, along with the other creeps later. but im tired.

#creepypasta #helen otis #bloody painter

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thedankfaerie · 4 years

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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.

i need someone to hear what i feel

or at least, a free space to say what i feel

im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.

last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.

and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.

i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.

4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.

i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.

i cried.

i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.

a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.

but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.

a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!

after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.

and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.

with that being said, i gained the weight back.

not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.

cue covid.

i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.

but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.

im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.

i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’

because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.

i hate myself for getting back to this point.

i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.

today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.

im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.

but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.

someone please help me.

#help #lol

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hirsuteandcute · 4 years

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I'm giving up

idk if you'll receive this but. I feel like giving up on life. I've read so many stories on hirsutism and I'm absolutely stuck. I have all these thin black hairs covering my body that I find to be extremely uncomfortable. I'm more than positive that it's genetic because all of my siblings have it. I'm a suicidal 17 year old who suffers from depression. I can't get out of this. I'm an absolute wreck. I have an online boyfriend but I have no idea how to tell him about this. how can I tell him? I'm scared of his reaction, I love him so much. I want to get rid of all this hair once in for all. I'll feel free that way. im not happy. these hairs are the end of me. I won't graduate next year because I feel like I'll commit suicide. I simply can't deal with this. I'm constantly comparing myself to every woman I see. I see no point in life anymore, I look forward to nothing but to get rid of all these hairs. I'm so useless to this world. I'm offering nothing. I have no plan after high school and I absolutely want to end my life. I'm not happy, I just want all of this hair gone. I can't think of anything but this. I haven't gone to my doctor to check it out but I'm losing hope in even doing that. I regret shaving when I was in middle school. I feel like everything would've been so much better if I didn't. I'm losing a grip on life. :(

h&c: *hug hug hug hug* So sorry to hear this. Honestly your story reminds me so much of my own, 17 is such a difficult time because you’re going through so many transitions in your life - on top of having to deal with this horrible depression.

- About your boyfriend; I really hope it all goes well with you, I know how scary it can be to open up about this, especially when you’ve formed a connection with someone you haven’t met in person. I guess my best advice would be, speak from your heart and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I’ve said something like “I just wanted to let you know, I have this condition that means I have a lot of body hair and sometimes it really upsets me and makes me feel self conscious. I wanted to let you know because I trust you and value our relationship, and this is something that I struggle with/prevents me from feeling fully comfortable with people”. Just something simple and sincere (obviously you don’t have to use these exact words!). If someone really loves you, this won’t be a big deal and they’ll respect your feelings. Everyone has something they’re insecure about (or often, many things!)

- Take your time with school if it’s difficult to manage whilst dealing your depression. That’s what I did. I actually ended up dropping out of college twice because I wasn’t coping well. There’s so much pressure to pursue higher education as soon as possible, but actually school will always be there. I’ve seen 40 and 50 year olds attending college classes!

- The most serious thing - the depression and suicidal thoughts. I really really think you need to seek professional help for this. It’s so important. Here is a huge list of international suicidal hotlines if ever you really feel like it’s too much. It may sound generic but things really do and can get better. I never would have thought that I would be at the point I am now, and even though things are still difficult, I’m managing to achieve things and find moments of happiness. Sometimes progress is slow, but that’s okay. There is still so much more to live for.

- If you haven’t gone to a doctor yet, you can still try, just in case. Maybe it is just genetic, but it’s better to be safe than sorry, especially if you have other symptoms.

- It’s okay that you shaved in middle school, when I was 11 I cut my arm hair off with a pair of safety scissors! It looked awful, but it grew back the same. It won’t make the hair any worse/thicker.

- The feelings you have are okay (as in, they’re understandable and you’re not wrong or bad for having them) even though they feel rubbish. Most people don’t have a plan after high school tbh and often what you end up studying is not necessarily what you’ll spend your life doing. I thought I’d become a beauty therapist and now I’m a secretary. Honestly I’m almost 24 and I still don’t have a plan. It’s okay, just take life as it comes, things have a way of happening. Just focus now on looking after yourself, taking care of your mental health.

- Comparing is so normal, but also so destructive. I do it and have done it all the time. Like I can’t help it, even with my friends, and I found it affecting both the way I felt about them (jealous and resentful) and the way I feel about myself (ugly, not good enough). I guarantee you that every woman, and person in general, has something(s) they wish they could change, and things they will admire in you. It’s really hard not to compare but I just try think “I am myself and I can never be them. That’s okay, I’ll just focus on being the best me I can be”. Maybe it sounds a bit cheesy, but it’s been helping me.

Please don’t give up, even though I understand why you feel like you want to. Life is so hard, this condition is so hard, depression is so hard. But it’s still worth trying and believing that things will get better (and they will!). I love you, and I care about you, please don’t give up. Sending all my love and strength to you <3 xxx

#submission #suicide mention//

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tikitm · 5 years

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tiki being a music nerd for 13 minutes straight

uhhHh so oscar and ozpin’s theme are mixing more ?? i hear little bits and pieces of ozpin’s theme , then oscar’s in ‘trouble on the argus limited’

in the same track , ‘trouble on the argus limited’ , ozpin’s theme begins to play , but then takes a ,,, darker, more sinister sounding note instead of that higher , more hopeful note in his theme that he usually has

the main theme , rising can be heard when ruby is telling the plan in ‘trouble on the argus limited’ and it’s soft , but it’s there , which carries on the theme that they’re trusting ‘in the light’ and ‘rising like the moon’

the playful theme in ‘mistral central station’ that captures the character’s excitements ?? amazing

then it goes into dee and dudley’s theme that sound Annoying as Heck , and then it blends into qrow’s theme ?? beautiful stunning amazing bird dad

then you hear ozpin’s theme again , which slowly gets taken over by oscar’s theme again , and they they seem to blend together again , like they have been doing

the piano part of smile in ‘mistral central station’ gave me goosebumps !! ilia has come such a long way as a character and it makes me happy that she funny has a straight path she Wants to go on

and there it is - ‘like morning follows night’ - a perfect , slow , version of it that really enraptures sun’s ,,, softness for blake and how he came to support her and after all , he did support her and help her and that makes me soo happy

but then it trails off into a lighter tune when the camera pans to yang and her friends and hhhHhh im soft

wow then it takes a dramatic tone shift to a dark and sinister theme for ‘spider’s web’ because cinder is starting to get into some Shady Shit™️ because she’s desperate for any kind of information on anyone

and then it pans right into that cue music that neo is Right There™️ , ready to attack , and then it goes into softer , more sinister and mischievous music that shows that wow they’re actually up to something , and it’s going to be big and bad and it’s going to put someone to shame

AND THEN THE THEME OF ALL THINGS MUST DIE PLAYING SOFTLY AND SLOWLY ??? amazing. im so excited akdhsks

all things must die slowly transitions into one thing and that makes me happy because it’s their two themes blending into one another , showing that they’re working together - but the sinister undertones show that they don’t fully trust each other and there Are secrets and undertones being kept

‘say her name’ starts out soft and slow and relaxing , but then gets more mysterious and faster as it goes , showing the severity of the situation

ozpin is being really shady and not that trustful right now , and oscar’s trying to Fight It to give them the information they need and stuff , which shows through the undertones of his theme playing throughout the track , then his theme slowly taking over , showing that he is fighting against ozpin’s control - he wants to be his own person , which is way it’s even more upsetting when qrow says that he isn’t

and then the music picks up and up and up faster and faster and louder and louder , showing ruby’s decision to say jinn’s name -

and then it goes silent. it stops

and whOOsh jinn !! genie in a bottle !! genie in a lamp !! her upcoming theme has a few familiar notes that form a familiar melody , but they’re hard to place

and then the music picks up , showing ozpin’s desperation to keep things ‘close to the chest’ and BOOM the music stops

im literally going to do an entirely different thing for ‘a delicate balance’ because there’s so much to say about this track - and it’s e i g h t m i n u t e s

‘our creation’ - im guessing it’s for the god of light’s moment with ozma

it’s soft , slow , and with the choir in the background , it makes the music seem ,,, important and urgent - like something Needs to be done and that something needs to be done quickly

and oof ozma’s theme soft in the background , showing that after all , he is still human and he wants a normal life and all that and hhhh i feel so bad

im skipping around im sorry

‘brunswick farms’ has that sinister , dangerous vibe , but we’re not sure what it is yet - dangerous , mysterious - we don’t know.

and it’s slow - it slows down at certain points to really emphasize on the scariness

the slow piano at a certain point gives it a certain softness that it shouldn’t have - a false sense of security , if you will . but then it turns into more mysterious , with hints of qrow’s theme (which im guessing is for the part of his drinking™️) that is slow

AND OH SHIT THERES THE PART WITH THE DROPPING OF THE BOTTLE

and ruby YANKS herself up and woAh that’s kinda scary

‘the apathy’ is probably the scariest track in the ost. it’s slow , sinister , and it’s literally telling you something is about to happen

AND THEN THE MUSIC PICKS UP !! ITS THE SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON BAY BEE

they’re running they’re running they’re running they’re running uh oh sisters

every time the music slows down it stops the melody slightly , that’s the part where the apathy SCREAMS , slowly zapping the motivation out of them

and each time it gets louder and louder and bigger because their influence is getting more and more overwhelming

and then the music slows down slightly because they’re giving up , and the sinister , scary theme is getting louder and louder - and then the silver eyes stops the music for a split second

and maria is over there , trying to coach ruby into using her eyes and then - BAM

and now they’re running out of the house , yelling for oscar to GET THE DAMN TIRE

and weiss sets the HOUSE ON FIRE and wow she’s committed arson

and they have to get the HECK out of there as quick as they possibly can

im doing something completely different for the grimm reaper skjsk

‘welcome to argus’ gave me goosebumps. the soft ,, piano of ‘rising’ gives them hope - gives us hope - because they made it. after all that shit , they made it. finally.

and then it gets into a more cheerful , nice theme of argus , with little notes of oscar’s theme in the beginning because ‘CUTE BOY OZ’ and then they’re touring around argus , looking at all the sights and stuff

ruby’s surprise in jaune’s sister is shown through the ‘ooh !!’ moment in the music that interrupts the melody of the entire track

‘cashews’ is amazing. it’s shows the literal stupidity of the entire interaction - from maria and cordoven’s banter , to a more serious match music , then slower , sadder music because ‘oop racism’ , but then it picks up again lmao

there isn’t much to say about the track ‘silver eyes’ but it shows the softness - the emotion - that goes into using silver eyes

‘jaune’s arc’ gives me whiplash. because it’s slow in the beginning - then it picks up speed to show jaune’s anger as he shoves oscar against the wall and Yells because his love died for ‘nothing’ , and he lets oscar go with sadness and regret , but he doesn’t say anything. and then as they’re looking for him , jaune has time to think things over. you hear the melody of ‘forever fall’ towards the middle , then the melody - the song itself - takes over as something to signify that jaune really Misses her , but gets closure

AND THEN OSCAR’S THEME !! HAPPY , HAPPY BOY !! its so happy !! he feels good about his new clothes - and despite what he says , he gave himself closure for now , but im sure itll be touched upon later because of the cut off of his theme , interrupted by qrow’s theme to show qrow’s grumpiness and all that

and then ruby’s speech !! she had a little bit too many speeches , but the theme ‘rising’ plays again , to show her - their - determination to get to atlas and figure it out because they WILL rise like the moon - like the sun - no matter what. they won’t give up.

‘the heist’ !! a theme that gives everyone Anxiety because no one thought it would work , and the moment it did work , it didn’t . weiss and maria sneak onto the airship and take them out , with the others standing around waiting , and yang and blake off on their own

a small version of oscar’s theme plays as he comforts ruby , showing how much he’s grown into his own character

and then the music picks up and oof it turns suspenseful because oh Shit where’s blake

‘into the canon’ is not only scary on screen , but also scary music wise. it’s suspenseful , it mixes both blake and yang’s fights and the other fight together. the music is fast and urgent , showing that they have to get away and fast and if it doesn’t work , bad things will happen. bad things are going to happen.

but first !! the battle music for cordoven’s fight. fast , playful , serious at the same time. it shows both perspectives of the fight - absolute absurdity , which cordoven feels , and the urgency that the team feels. cordoven thinks this is childish - disgraceful. the team thinks this is important - something that Has to happen or else they can’t complete their mission.

and ruby goes DOWN THE CANON

i have to do an entirely different thing for ‘protecting each other’ too

OH NO HERE COMES THE GRIMM

the music gets dangerous , crazy , fast - they have to do something quick or bad things will happen and that won’t be okay. huntsman and huntresses are supposed to protect - if they can’t do that , then what are they good for ?

jinn’s theme , then the hopeful theme of indomitable is just 👌👌

-‘flight to atlas’ gives closure - peace that they couldn’t find for a while. it’s slow , soft , showing that they made it - it was a long , stressful process , but they made it. with a lighter version of qrow’s theme , small undertones of ozpin’s and oscar’s theme , and then how the music SWELLS when they see atlas because it’s beautiful - it’s grand , it’s amazing - and they made it. there’s a sense of triumph in there , a sense of urgency and a sense of pride. they rose , and they’re going to try and stay there

uhhHHh thanks for sticking around to hear my literal Ramblings about the ost and me being a music nerd - this ost is just so good ?? and if you haven’t listened to it go give it a listen ! the vocal tracks are Amazing , and so are the instrumental ones.

#rwby #rwby6 #rwby soundtrack #oscar pine #ruby rose #jaune arc #ozpin #qrow branwen #im tagging the characters that i actually mentioned by name akdhjaa #welcome to tiki #being a music nerd #im so sorry about this

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z2aseaqj-blog · 5 years

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Renters insurance?

what exactly is renters insurance all about? is it pretty important or a waste of money?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :4insurequotes.xyz

SOURCES:

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i have insurance from so next month I housing crisis in this 100 - 200 a a small, cheap car that could help it out of pocket or rear ends me at I used progressive to am seriously considering becoming What the youngest age still need crowns (which vehicle...unfortunately, Tata AIG, which it would be per estimate on how much you tell them you 18 year old in And the cheapest quote for an age 54 up until a few insurance , is it or not? Second, I estimate on average price? someones name and their me know now , a guy who charges racing. Please give opinions car and actually wrote buying would have to $4000 of damage to insurance be for a that just covers if would I be breaking car insurance in Georgia? say he has to due to it having its possible i just do not have car of all items lost i would like to information for example proof .

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modernlcve · 5 years

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* — stats — casey porter !

* — basics !

full name: casey clayton porter. nickname(s): just casey :) age: twenty - six. date of birth: june seventeenth. place of birth: zebulon, north carolina. gender: demiboy. pronouns: he / they. sexual orientation: gay. level of education: high school graduate. recipient of a degree in performance and culture.

* — physical !

tattoos: a traditional style catfish on their right forearm, ”turn and face the strange” in a simple font on their collarbone. two flash tattoos on their right thigh, a fox and a strawberry. piercings: septum pierced. an eyebrow piercing they no longer wear. notable features: im too horny for avan jogia to answer this im sorry. weakness(es): melancholy. scar(s): none notable.

* — domestic !

occupation: odd jobs. gigs with the band, drives for uber, gives piano lessons. residence: an apartment in delphinus heights, lives with roommates. social class: middle class. parents: dale porter, age 56, old school but tries his best to Get casey’s whole deal because he cares. nancy porter, age 52, wants to be hip and tries to come out to as many shows as she can. siblings: cassidy porter, age 20, younger sister. they keep in touch well, frequent phone calls and such. extended family: grandparents, a couple aunts and uncles, the works. they’re not exceptionally close to any of them because they’re Less Willing to try and get casey.

* — personality !

positive traits: solicitous, expressive, upbeat. negative traits: oversensitive, thoughtless, pretentious. myers-briggs ( x ): infp, the mediator. temperament: phlegmatic. moral alignment: neutral good. horoscope: gemini, the twins. hogwarts house: hufflepuff.

* — favorites !

movie: cabaret. tv show: parks and recreation. book: absalom, absalom! drink: sweet tea. food: strawberries. animal: fox. color: light purple. song: im not strong enough to pick, artist: again they just love music sm, celebrity crush: michael stipe circa 1985.

* — impressions !

first impression: idk they’re chill. i feel like they don’t make a super strong first impression, they’re the kind of person that grows on you after a few conversations. self impression: changes with the Wind they’re a gemini sometimes they’re a beautiful artist others they’re a gremlin fraud. u can never tell what ur gonna get, lover impression: perhaps a little smothering. they care, a lot, and they love Feeling things and getting to Embrace said feelings in a way that could be overwhleming.

* — et cetera !

turn ons: casey is sapiosexual. turn offs: judgemental is a big no go. drink/drugs/smoke: yes/weed/no. dominant hand: left. clean or messy: messy. early bird or night owl: early bird. hobbies or special talents: plays guitar and piano. can technically dance.

* — QUESTIONNAIRE !

01. where was your character born? what brought them to carina bay? what do they like most about the town?

casey was born in charlotte, but moved almost immediately with their adoptive parents to zebulon. they came to carina for school and stuck around because they just Vibed with it better than they did their hometown. they like the people, and the social Scene that lets them really let their hair down,

02. who are your character’s friends and family? who do they surround themselves with? who are the people your character is closest to?

their family is dispersed across the state of north carolina. asides from their parents and their sister, their relationship with their family is strained, because they’re the Bad kind of southern where ur mean 2 people for no reason. so, they surround themselves with people who are accepting and open-minded to make up for it. they’re closest to their band-mates, the people they spend so much of their time with.

03. what is your character’s biggest fear? who have they told this to? who would they never tell this to? why?

their biggest fear is their music becoming work. music has always been and outlet and escape for casey, and as the band becomes more serious and looks for ways to gain traction, they’re worried a day will come that it will feel like less of a passion and dream job and more of a chore, a stressor in their life. they wouldn’t mention this to the band, because he knows some members have more riding on potential success than others, but they probably word vomited something about it to finley at some point or another.

04. has your character ever been in love? had a broken heart?

i think the only person casey has been Genuinely In Love with is finley. they’ve loved a lot of people, but you know there’s a Difference and what not. by extension, that breakup did break their heart a little, especially since it was on the basis that they were More Invested in taking the next step with things, it was a rejection that stung.

05. your character is doing intense spring cleaning. what is easy for them to throw out? what is difficult for them to part with? why?

in general, they live minimally, and don’t have a hard time getting rid of things because they’re just Things. but they do have a collection of hats from places they’ve visited and for special events they’ve gone to and they would rather Die than whittle those down even if they only wear the same 3 ballcaps.

06. it’s saturday at noon. what is your character doing? give details.

giving piano lessons, probably. they’re an early riser, and spend most of saturday morning on their personal tasks for the day, and devote much of the mid-day and afternoon to whatever Hustle they’re currently on, leaving nights open for gigging or just hanging out with the gang.

07. what is one strong memory that has stuck with your character since childhood?

they vividly remember wading in the water behind their grandparents house with their cousins and sister at some kind of family reunion. because they went through a Big Rebel Phase that transitioned into a Big Gay Revelation, they don’t have a lot of memory of feeling like they were A Part of the family at large and sometimes yeah they miss when they were a kid and they had that.

08. what is in your character’s refrigerator right now? on their bedroom floor? their nightstand? in their wastebasket?

frankly i’m about to start removing this question i think i simply don’t have anything interesting to say in the FRIDGE theres FOOD on the FLOOR theres LAUNDRY in the NIGHTSTAND theres JUNK need i say more

09. what is something that upsets your character? where do they go when they’re upset? on the opposite end, what is something that makes them laugh out loud? where or when are they at their happiest?

casey takes things other people say more to heart than they probably should. they read into things and find rudeness where perhaps there isn’t and it’s probably what leads to most of their Episodes. when they’re upset, they like to go out to the beach by themselves with their headphones and just Lay There a little. this is another one i could probably shorten for a lot of my muses because. they laugh when things are funny and they’re happy when they’re with their friends :pensive:

10. when your character thinks of their childhood kitchen, what smell do they associate with it? why?

their mom used to light this apple pie scented candle 24/7 so more than any food stuff that was prepared in the kitchen, they remember the scent and the crackling wick of the candle in the window.

#( casey porter. )#( stats. )

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thetranscactus · 3 years

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Journal Entry Five: Access To Move Forward - TW: Depression, Anxiety, Su!c!d3

As of lately- lately being a few months. This pandemic has turned my crappy concept of time into a crappier concept of time- Ive been feeling as if everything I do will hurt someone in some way. It’s like an inevitable paradox. Not sure if I’m even using that correctly, but hopefully that made some sort of sense. Take my transition for example. If I were to transition, my family is then put against each other for different reasons such as (but not limited to): Who will call me by my chosen name and who won't? Will people get upset if they are corrected? Will people even feel comfortable acknowledging that I’m trans? Will my parents be upset that people took “my side” instead of “theirs”? I have a nephew on the way. What if he gets put in the middle of being indoctrinated or told that its okay? Will my brother want me to be open about my trans identity or keep it a secret? and will he able to learn to use my correct pronouns while also dealing with my parents maybe being upset at him for that?

And the last thing I want is to traumatize my nephew, or somehow throw him into the middle of all this, just because of a decision I made.

All of that is JUST from transitioning. And that doesn't even include how the rest of my family might have their own conflicts/”side picking” about me being trans. That doesn't me seeking out mental health treatment for my possible anxiety/depression, or me moving out because I can’t deal with the toxic environment, or trying to figure out how I’m going to afford any of that plus hormone treatment because I might be considered undesirable as an employee because I am trans. Su!c!d3 isn’t even an option at this point because then my parents have to deal with the funeral expenses, and what gets done with the body? I most likely would get buried in the prettiest dress and deadnamed and people would be told I lost the battle with Satan or something along those lines. Then my family again gets divided because some know I was trans and some don't, or they know I'm trans and there's division as to whether or not I should be buried as a man. I’ve played every single scenario in my head and it just seems like no matter what, I am going to somehow hurt someone or put someone in the middle.

“Tall about it with someone” I can't seek out a therapist because they're the devil and I have nothing to be stressed about and if I do then I should pray about it. “Make a Journal” They will find it, tear it up, and say the same thing. “Talk with a friend” They're my friend, not my therapist, and they shouldn't have to carry the weight of what I'm going through. They have their own life and problems to deal with and I don’t know how to help them so how can I talk to them? I want to be there for them so much, but eventually “*nods* and ‘mmhm’” become repetitive and it just seems like I don't care but I can't figure it out because I don't even know how to just talk with someone anymore. “Move out” I don't have the funds, I don't know what paperwork to take with me, I’m completely tied to my parents in literally everything and I don't know how to take myself out or if that’ll just make things worse. “Go contactless” I don't know if I can or want to do that with my entire family or it would seem like I abandoned them or how the paperwork for all that would go.

I can't ask anyone aside from maybe my brother but he doesn't even know Im trans and would probably be against me moving out and setting that big of boundary between me and my parents.

I feel so selfish for all of that. I wish I could be happy that there's a baby coming and not think about myself. I wish I wouldn't cause a division in my family. I truly wish I hadn't come into existence. I wish I hadn't hurt the only people who loved cared about the real me. I wish that I would wish things and that I could just fit into the puzzle piece that I’m supposed to fit into.

But I can't.

Ive tried to pray and pray and figure it out and I wouldn't sleep and I would wake up in the middle of the night and ask god to get rid of my attraction to women and to make me want to embrace being a woman but it just never happened. I told them that and they asked why I gave up. They said some miracles take a long time.

Nothing is wrong with me but I don't know how to convince them and I also don't know how to move on without causing division, or seeming like I abandoned everyone, or seeming like I'm just being a whiney kid. I have absolutely no happy ending and life is an unbearable trap.

-Theo Sandoval.

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kris-side · 6 years

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okay so

im putting this under a readmore just cause its kinda long and I wanna try and not clog the dash or whatever

you can read though all this mess if you want, i’d probably be happy if you did, but you dont gotta. its just me rambling a lot trying to talk about stuff and being sad. I just kinda. wanna get stuff off my chest? And maybe you can give me advice, maybe you cant, this is mostly just for me. “well why are you posting it then” well maybe its cause a little reassurance now and then doesnt fucking hurt lmfao. i know none of you would probably say that its more me @ myself

you know that whole 'not feeling trans enough' really is a big fuckin mood sometimes like

I try not too. Think too much or too hard about it. Like. Okay sure. I have a few friends that call me Chris, I even have one of my teachers calling me that! He's chill and good.

Im he/him online but offline is 90% out of the question, Im still Kristin to almost everyone. Im starting to only introduce myself as Chris though. I think thats a good name that I can and will stick with.

And its like I may not be a girly girl but I feel. Too much of a girl to tell people im he/him you know.

I dont post many pictures of myself but i've got long hair, a girly face (i think?), a big chest (that ones super ugh). Im not really. Dysphoric to the point where I super duper hate my body and cannot live with it, but i've never liked my chest, at all. (And I think gender wise or not I’ve just kinda always disliked my body, since. Im not athletic, I feel fat and like im only getting worse which i probably am) What I wouldnt give to be flat again. What I wouldnt give for people at my highschool to never make comments about my big chest ever again- my fucking. One of my friends (granted he's really stupid) used to call me 'moon balloons' and do you have any idea how upsetting that was? I just. But i tried to laugh it all, oh its just a joke. Another friend used to always comment on my chest and how he wanted to motorboat me, and so did the first friend mentioned. I think they probably both liked me but i was just. Ugh. I hated it so much but did they stop? No. They treated me like my chest was all I was, I feel like a lot of people thought of me and saw me like that too. I have no doubt.

And like I feel like I havent had the right experiences, but thinking about it, when I was in middle school I used to tell people 'im a boy trapped in a girls body' and I dont know anything clearer than that. I didnt even know what being trans was at the time you know, i didnt have much internet access or exposure to things like that. I started thinking about it more in highschool but I was always too afraid.

Ocrober of 2016 I told my mom was trans, by accident. You'd probably think 'by accident? How?' Well, it was like. Me and my mom had to buy me something nice for the NHS orientation, being a senior, I had to read some stuff. I introduced all the incoming members. So we did that, and she was just. Stressing me out. I joked about wearing a guy’s outfit. Dont think my mom liked that. I found something that I actually kinda liked, something I would wear, but she didnt want me to wear it. Why??? Idfk. Maybe its cause it was grey but nothings wrong with grey? She wanted me to wear more colorful, frilly things. Things I didnt wanna wear. I liked what I had cause it had kind of a tutleneck thing going on and had long sleeves, and i was always self conscious of my hairy arms. Or just my arms in general, idk, but. She started getting mad at me and I started getting upset to the point I was crying and then in the changing room I blurted out that I was trans. Afterwards I tried to roll with it and explain to her, but I started feeling less sure as I went on. I wasnt sure this was the right decision at all.

It hasnt been brought up since. I think maybe she forgot about it, or she thinks I’ve grown out of it or something. And i dont think my step-dad would support it, I dont think the rest of my family would, though. Im not sure how much I Really care about the rest of my families opinions (most of them are pretty shitty. My step-dads side is good though).

Though I mean idk. I cant know for sure unless I bring it up but I just. Cant. What if they hate me? I dont think my mom will but my step-dad? I dunno, what if he gets mad at my mom for it? What if he leaves cause of it- i cant. Deal with that kinda stress, my mom's been through 1 divorce already cause i think my dad was cheating on her, I would die if I was the reason it happened again. I think Im really afraid mostly because I’ve heard them make comments like, my dad’s side of the family on Christmas they talked about. Caitlyn Jenner, and they just. Didnt seem very happy with the idea of a man transitioning to a woman, so. Why would I be the acceptation, cause Im family? Or maybe thats just a whole different story but idk.

I know thats probably really stupid but its how I feel. And I feel like. What if I do regret it? What if im not happy with how i turn out. I dunno. I dont really wanna have kids of my own, adopting always sounded more appealing, but i just. Dont know? I dont know. And I mean thats life but I just

i dunno

#Chris rambles #long #just #stuff i've thought about for a while #especially since coming to college

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marias-studyblr · 6 years

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Hey, i'm not sure why i'm telling you this but im really upset and just need to vent. Today my history teacher pinpointed me infront of the whole class (twice) and, long story short, was very persistent with receiving an answer of some sort which i had no idea about. Everybody was staring at me, some were laughing, i felt my face burning honestly all i wanted to do was to run out of the class. As someone with social anxiety i avoid any form of class speaking anyway, but now i cant stop [1]

[2] replaying the events from earlier today and i just feel shit about myself. Im embarrassed that everyone else probably thinks i lack a lot of intelligence and basic knowledge. It’s hard to think when im asked a specific question infront of everyone,it makes me so nervous and my mind goes blank. To everyone this may seem like i’m overreacting but honestly im so upset and im not sure if its normal to feel this way. I dont know how to get over this feeling it’s horrible. I’m so done with school tbh

Hey! You deserve this rant, please whenever you need, I’m here for you!

So it might not seem like it because I’m pretty open in here, but I do exactly what you described. I was seeing myself in your words.

It used to be way worse in the last years of middle school, and in the first years of high school, it got to the point I didn’t really think for myself and all my interactions were based on what the other person wanted to hear or what I thought they would think of me.

Of course it always backfired, because it’s impossible to please everyone at all times, which left me even more unhappy about myself and lead me to more and more mental and physical problems (nothing too serious!).

I would constantly overthink about particular situations where I was put on the spot at school and cringed over and over again.

It lead to tricky situations, a rough couple of years while I transitioned through that. A lot of hiding in bathroom stalls. And cringy stuff that only I remember by now.

I took way too seriously what other people talked about me, which gave them power. And those people understood it somehow and used it in the wrong way, which made me feel even worse.

I don’t know why. I have a couple of suspicions from my childhood but nothing that completely justifies why I didn’t know how to stand up for myself like most people did.

Looking back I can see how I was innocent and didn’t really understand how everyone, everyone, the students, the teachers, they also had problems and insecurities in their lives. I thought everyone was always better than me when actually we were all the same even with our differences and I had nothing to worry about.

I’m much better now. I’ve learned how to recognize my self-worth, hold myself as an individual. I’m not afraid to look people in the eye, and most importantly live my life for me and not for others.

But I’m not completely secure though. Just the other day I was thinking about this, trying to figure it out. Nowadays, I think my problems come from the huge respect I have for other people. I do this crazy thing: whenever I’m held responsible to someone I get super committed to doing it in the most perfect way possible because I don’t want to disappoint that person, even if it’s a total stranger. And whenever I feel like I’ve disappointed someone, I feel so bad because I just wanted to do it nicely for them. And I know that’s not a bad thing to do, but it comes to such extremes with me, because I overthink it so much.

For example, last friday I realized I forgot to send an email to the librarian to renew my book before 7pm, and I remembered at 10pm. I sent the email but through the night and the whole weekend I felt horrible about it.

It’s not like the social anxiety that I had before, but it’s still some kind of awkwardness that I don’t want to depend on.

So after this detour, let me get to the point. xD

I think we can both agree that we have to be able to stand up for ourselves and to appear stable even in the most embarrassing of situations, both for self-respect, because you don’t owe anything to anyone, you are allowed to make mistakes and be treated fairly, but also because it’s a good thing to have for your future life, you’ll always need to speak under pressure and you need to stop putting yourself through this anxiety everytime you are.

I also understand this is not something you can simply stop doing because it’s irrational. As soon as the moment starts, you get dragged into it and without noticing it your face looks like a tomato emoji.

However, that doesn’t mean you can’t slowly start making a change in your behavior, including practicing the way you present yourself, your posture, the way you talk, controlling nervous tics, answering while making eye contact with teachers and other people without stuttering.

Body language may seem non-important to you at first glance but it’s ALL that matters in social interactions, and this is what helped me overcome that feeling of pure cringe and embarrassment. I just kept practicing and I still do now. I encourage you to start paying attention to how confident people sit and how you sit, how they talk and how you talk. Truly start studying these things, and this is how I improved, it has made my life so much happier, and the biggest difference in my life quality. Truly.

Now, by NO means I’m saying this is going to solve everything overnight. I’ve improved my anxiety progressively and cringe situations still happen to me, but I find them less damaging over time. To finish up, I’m going to tell you an example of a situation of me practicing:

I’m in class, minding my own business. I pay attention to my posture. I sit with my back straight, hands relaxed, body still. I’m not covering my face or bending down. I pay attention to the class. The teacher asks me a question, I can feel my heart rate immediately going up. I focus first on my breathing (inhale and exhale profoundly) and maintaining my posture and quickly go through those physical checks. Even if I’m blushing, I keep eye contact with the teacher and my voice strong all the way through.

This is harder than it seems if you have social anxiety, but this practice really helped me and got me through so much. I still have a lot to overcome but I’ve gotten so many victories already and I want you to have the same, I know you can.

Here are 2 phenomenal Ted Talks that really helped me learn what I just told you about and I encourage you to watch them from beginning to end:

The surprising secret to speaking with confidence - Caroline Goyder

Your body language may shape who you are - Amy Cuddy

So I know this is already pretty long but I still have some stuff that might help you so I want to give it a try.

Confidence comes from within, so self-reflection is always needed. In order to not go too deep on that right now, because that’s a whole other question in itself, I’m going to give you the one piece of practical advice I always give which is recommending Yoga with Adriene, either doing her yoga videos or her meditation ones, or her challenges. Just to keep that positivity flowing in your veins is so important. And if you don’t have a source in your life, I feel like Adriene could be it.

Goals are really important in being confident too, so keeping a bullet journal, or a journal, a vision board, where you write your feelings, your interests, your dreams, might get you through the bad days and give you confidence when you need it the most. I feel like some days thinking about how grateful I am for my family, my home, myself, etc. really gets me through tough feelings I might be experiencing.

Always share out loud what you are experiencing with your loved ones, with people you trust. Whenever I have feelings bottling up I force myself to spill them to my loved ones because I know no matter how much it embarrasses me to admit them, it always makes me feel better after they comfort me and make me see something differently, and suddenly the incident sounds a little more beatable.

Last thing I want to touch, and I promise, I promise this is the last thing, is those people in your class making you feel inferior. Don’t you shed a tear for them and I mean it. You are the classy one. You are the strong one. You get to keep your head high and be kind to yourself. If someone isn’t compassionate to you, you don’t owe them anything and you have the right to shut them out of your life. You don’t need to keep thinking about them or talk about them. You just don’t do them. You don’t pay attention to what they’re saying about you… they don’t know you. They. Don’t. Know. You. They don’t matter. That doesn’t mean you get to be rude to them, it just means they’re irrelevant. So. With that being said, I hope you understand you are a beam of light, a fucking rock star and you can get through this, you can overcome this school year, and the next one and the next one.

Find the people in your life who matter, who make you feel good. That’s all that matters. Here’s something interesting I read: “Feel bad for people who have the energy to bring others down. Don’t hate them back, feel for them. They are clearly in pain if that’s where they want to spend their energy.” Like I said they’re irrelevant, but you don’t have to be mean back, don’t get inside their game. Be the classy one and always, always, always focus on yourself, live your life.

I honestly want to keep talking for hours. I hope this was enough for you to kick-start a new way of seeing yourself and starting to become happy with who you are. There are so many obstacles in life but positivity is possible, you just have to keep looking for the things in your life that matter, that make you feel good and don’t give up.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to answer this for you and I hope the advice reaches you. ♡ ♡ ♡ lots of love!

#answered #life advice #self confidence #positivity

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pearlrebs · 7 years

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I guess i wasnt very clear. Easy to seem angry over the internet unintentionally. I mean to say; rebs url (a small thing) represented something to us. Xe left and we all really miss xer. Xe mattered to us and was a special part of tjlc. 1/8

In many peoples eyes this is an aggressive act. Im sure that you can see at least a little how we would see it that way. 2/8

I wasnt implying that you are not queer or that i hate queers. i was saying that, this is the internet, im not going to always believe everything everyone tells me. 3/8

Most queers i know, try and stick together despite our differences. And the fact that you seem very angry (could be reading into it) at a group of people who are predominately queer tells me that you COULD be something other than queer. 4/8

As you yourself said this is just a tv show...but its more than that isnt it? Why you spend so much thought throwing shade at rebs or the tjlcers or whoever, tells me that theres something else going on and that it is important. 5/8

banding together with like-minded people is the solution to the political shitfest we are in. I'd like to think that we could work thru our differences to reach our common goals assuming, we have common goals. (if im wrong, please let me know) 6/8

I dont see myself as a victim, im only sad. not in a pitying way. Its hard to describe. You were probably the victim of an angry tjlcer on here or witnessed the chaos and theres really no excuse for hatefullness (im admonishing my own camp here). 7/8

debate, yes, but never being mean just to be mean. That doesnt get anyone anywhere. I hope this makes sense and im not trying to offend you. I just think life is too short to hate. And its sad that there has been much on here. 8/8

I’m actually not angry, I think it’s all kinda funny. Though I do try my best to respond seriously to serious messages. The “go fuck yourself”s will always be met with a “sounds good,” but when someone takes the time to send a message like this, I tend to pay attention. Anyways...

First you say you’re not going to always believe everything everyone tells you, then you turn around and say that the tj//lc group is predominantly queer. Who’s telling you that? Hard evidence? Demographics data? A census taken by a neutral third party to determine age range and sexuality, and what direction they believe the show should go? As I answered someone before: anecdotal evidence is inadmissible in science and court for a reason. Of course since you’re a lesbian (a factoid gleaned from your profile, but if this is inaccurate, please inform me. But I could easily say you’re not, but I don’t, because when someone tells me they’re queer, I believe them, who the hell wants to be in a [most places on the globe] hated minority? [by “hated,” I mean high risk of murder, bullying, and homelessness, and possibly being a criminal act depending on where you live]), your experience is going to be skewed towards finding other queer people. You think the group is predominantly queer people, but from the outside looking in, even as a queer person, I’ve mostly seen a bunch of straight women geeking over two middle aged white dudes possibly touching dicks, and using “representation” as a mask. I haven’t mingled with your community — I’ve got my own, who are and aren’t queer all the same.

And again, I say that with full knowledge that it is anecdotal evidence from my viewpoint and experience. I could be wrong. But that doesn’t mean you’re right either.

Moving on. Most queer people (I don’t like the term “queers” personally, but as a queer person, you can reclaim that word however you want) you know stick together despite the differences. Okay. But if our difference is that you don’t think I deserve rights, or that my life is somehow worth less than a straight person’s (voting Dump/Pence, specifically Mike Pence, who would rather a gay person go to a conversion camp — where the risk of suicide is nearly 70% — than be gay), then that’s not a “difference.” That’s almost a hate crime (and it actually is in some countries).

I assume you and I have similar goals — stop the carney-handed mango. I assume all but the 14% of LGBT people who did vote for that cheeto in a wig, do. Hence why I make a point of saying I don’t hate Rebs as a person (although the fact that xer Patreon is still up, and xe’s still collecting money, despite the fact xe’s publicly declared xe has no intention on ever making videos again, and even taking the existing ones down, is a little less than the perfect angel everyone is insisting that xe is).

Tbh, maybe I tend to befriend more queer people irl, but you know what else is important? Straight allies. To me, being LGBT+ is a description of where I put my genitals/my gender identity, and I don’t exactly bond with people over that. A shared struggle, yes, and if I see a queer person being bullied, I will step in. I can support a gay man’s rights, even if that gay man is going out there campaigning for the orangutan in a suit (and some did). I’ll say he should be allowed to get married to whoever he wants, and when his Nazi buddies turn on his ass, I’ll be helping him find a visa out of here, but dear Ahura Mazda, I wouldn’t be caught dead having a beer with him. In fact, they most criticism I’ve ever gotten for being trans, is from other trans people. Yes, they should have rights, but fuck them as individuals, holy shit, don’t tell me how to transition. You can be trans (or any LGBT+) and still be a shitty person.

But like... about 10%-15% of people are queer. 10%-15% of people couldn’t have voted for our rights and won. Meaning we have a ton of straight people on our side. And that’s what we are: we’re people. I love Steven Universe and pizza. I’ll find people that love Steven Universe and pizza that didn’t vote for literally satan.

I’ve personally never been wronged by a hateful tj//lcer. But as you pointed out, there was a lot of hatefulness that was slung around. I watched as people attacked Mark Gatiss for not making their ship canon, or call him straight (they really care about representation, don’t they? /s), attacked other queer ships, tags, bullied some other queer shippers into self-harm, etc.

No, that wasn’t you doing any of that, and that wasn’t anything you participated in... This blog really isn’t about you, I don’t know why you’re so sad about it. This is about everyone’s actions that I’m starting to suspect we both found deplorable. Though I guess if you were a close follower of Rebs, you hated Mary from second one, which was really uncalled for (hate her for shooting Sherlock — I don’t, but it’s a reason — but that didn’t happen until we knew her for two whole episodes, half of a third, and she was just a lovely person until that exact moment).

The thing is, it IS just a show to me. I’m just responding to hate until I get bored with it. But tj//lc it became so much more to a bunch of people, and that’s why it got so toxic.

Again, THE PROBLEM is tj//lcers were demanding representation from a show, and writers, who were always honest that they weren’t going to give it. At least not in the way they wanted (and when it wasn’t in the way they wanted, they had tantrums, which is why I say: it was never about “representation” for some of them.). Rebs, even if it started as just a hobby, quickly became, and fed into this mass conspiracy that ultimately did end up hurting a lot of people. Possibly including xerself. That’s why I don’t feel bad taking your symbol: it is just a show, everyone had prior warning that jxhnlock wouldn’t happen, so the conspiracy was always just going to be fanfiction, and Rebs did some shitty things.

The way people are freaking out... they need to get over it. Or if not, okay, soak in grief forever over a fictional ship, but there’s probably better ways of dealing with all this besides sending me hate. Because honestly, what does anyone hope to accomplish by sending me hate? Me to delete? Sure, let’s say I did that. Jxhnlock isn’t going to be any more canon, and Rebs isn’t going to be any less wrong, and all of the hate xe encouraged is still going to be out there. Oh, and I’ll keep responding, which really just makes it worse.

Had people just ignored me — never sent any messages — there would be precisely one post on this blog, which was my original announcement that I had it.

Also — what have I said that’s “hateful?” Yeah, okay, I called rebs a “twat” for being a misogynist, I thought it was delightfully ironic, having a misogynistic slur juxtaposed next to that observation (like saying, “don’t fucking swear”), but no one got the joke, so I took it down. But otherwise? Saying John Watson is Straight is just a fact. Jxhnlock never happened, and since it didn’t, the insistence that he’s bisexual has no standing. He’s always said, “I’m not gay.” I never took that to mean he was saying, “I’m not gay, but I like men, I’m bisexual/pansexual.” Jeez, no, if he was part of the community at all, I imagine he’d let it pass, rather than get angry about the assumption (like Sherlock does, who is, said by the writers, to be neither gay nor straight. In fact, I’ve often heard that if you’re a good straight ally, it means not being upset if people assume you’re gay for standing up with them — so in some interpretation, he’s actually a bit homophobic). I’ve also pointed out that xe was wrong, which xe is. My banner is of Gatiss confirm jxhnlock wasn’t happening again — this is a thing that happened. Are facts “hateful” now?

Also... “life is too short to hate.” I mean... I think I’ve got enough life left in me to hate the sentient tire fire that uses too much fake tan cream, and the apparent resurgence of Nazis in America. Don’t you? Shouldn’t you?

tj//cers are definitely not on that level, but I don’t hate them, is the thing. I said this before: I hate no one in particular, just what the legacy produced.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole. i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".

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