#I’ve decided just to use coping mechanisms that work for me

[kitofawriter]

I’m constantly flipping between “I couldn’t possibly be autistic! Someone would’ve noticed!” And remembering that I used to sort beads for fun. Like I had one of those boxes of pony beads and I would dump them all together then sort them into their own pockets because it was fun.

#for legal reasons this is a joke #autism #possibly autistic #idk at this point #I’ve decided just to use coping mechanisms that work for me #even if they were designed for a diagnosis I don’t officially have #and try and learn as much as I can do even if I’m not autistic I can be a better ally #also like I know that sorting stuff doesn’t make a diagnosis but…when multiple things add up it’s confusing #then one thing doesn’t align and I’m like ‘ha! proof I was faking this whole time!’ which doesn’t seem like a very neurotypical thing to do #but i digress

[generalllimaginesss]

"If the entire human population was in front of me, I'd still choose you” with Jack.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have fans attack you if you were publicly dating him. I feel like Jack is so conscious of this. And he’s just soft boyfriend Jack trying to block out the unnecessary noise.

Maybe they just went public and she’s getting a lot of hate and it’s making her insecure. And Jack reminds her that it’s just them against the world and the only people whose opinions matter are their family and friends who love her.

Warnings: self depreciation, insecurities, self image issues, etc. Please don't read if you're not in a good headspace!!!

This is probably my favorite thing that I’ve written. I hope you like it as much as I enjoyed writing it!!

plus size! reader x Jack Hughes

••

You knew that dating somebody in the limelight would have its challenges. Hell, dating an average person was hard. But nothing could have prepared you for the magnitude of hate that hit as soon as Jack went public with your relationship.

It wasn't like the relationship was new. The two of you had been dating for almost a year before he decided to post you on his Instagram. You let Jack set the pace since he was used to the attention. He could let things go in one ear and out the other a lot easier than you could. He was almost conditioned to be able to do that. You, on the other hand, took everything very personally. Every comment about your weight, about what you wore, about how Jack looked miserable with you, they all hit you like a ton of bricks.

You didn't understand why all of these people were coming at you saying so many horrible things, but Jack tried his best to ease your mind and remind you that at the end of the day it was you and him.

He did a really good job at this normally, but he was away on a roadie for a few days and things began to get really bad. This started when you saw a fan account for Jack post something about how Jack downgraded from Sienna to you and all of the comments agreeing.

It was like a rabbit hole...once you clicked on that post it led you to many others. They all made you feel like shit, but when people started commenting on your body, saying that they "didn't know Jack dated plus size girls," it hurt. Your body was yours. It wasn't like you could just zip it off and find a new one, but if you could you would, just to shut the comments up.

You spent the 3 days Jack was gone in a really dark depression. No laundry was done, you hadn't showered, and you barely could make yourself get out of bed to brush your teeth. Dishes piled in the sink, but you couldn't make yourself do them. You knew the signs of your depression, but you welcomed them in a way, almost like a coping mechanism. Not allowing people to see you was the only way the haters couldn't get new material. Was it a healthy way to cope? Obviously not, but it was what worked in the moment.

As soon as Jack walked through the front door, returning from the games, he could tell something wasn't right. You always kept up with the chores when he was away, normally making the house spotless before he got back. So when he saw the state of the kitchen and eventually the rest of the house, he knew something was off.

When he walked into the bedroom and saw that you were pretty much in the same spot he left you in he immediately dropped his bags and climbed into the bed with you, forcing you to look at him.

He gently shifted your body to face him, cupping your cheek gently with his hand.

"Baby, what happened," He made note of the streaks that stained your face, probably from countless hours of crying. He wanted to make them disappear immediately. You were his happy-go-lucky, carefree girl. You danced around the house all the time, singing whatever song was playing. This side of you was uncharted territory that he wanted to take away so bad.

"I just need you to hold me," You began to hyperventilate, worried that if he didn't hold you that he would leave you. Even though that would never in a million years cross his mind. But he did as you asked, and whether it was for 5 minutes or 30 minutes, he didn't know. He held you until you pulled away.

"Can we talk about it?" Jack asked, pulling the hair that crusted on your cheek from the tears out of your face. He treated you like you were fragile, and you hated that he felt that way.

"It's just the comments, Jack. I'm already insecure sometimes and these people come at me in so many horrible ways," You began to explain, loose tears streaming down your face, but you were composed otherwise.

"They compare me to Sienna, and God, I know I'm not as pretty as her. They tell me I'm fat and that they didn't know you dated "fat" girls. It's just insane. Do they not realize that I actually am a real person with real emotions? Do they know that I've believed, at some point in time, the things they are saying? I've worked so hard to get to this place where I'm at, to love who I am, and within the span of 3 days they just tear it all down," You let the words just flow from your mouth, whatever thought that comes to mind is voiced to Jack.

"Baby, they don't care. They don't care because they're jealous," He tries to soothe you, but it almost made you mad. Not at Jack, but at the whole situation.

"What the fuck are they jealous of? My thighs that I cover with leggings and pants so that I won't have to go through the pain of them chafing? Are they jealous of the fucking stretch marks that go up my stomach, so I refuse to wear regular bikini bottoms? I mean what the fuck, do they want my anxiety and depression? I will gladly give them that..." The tears were beginning to pick up, but Jack continued to rub your back, waiting to get the chance to speak again.

"I know you could have any girl you wanted. It makes me sick when I see some blonde walk past that looks like she stepped out of a magazine because I know that's what you deserve. You don't deserve this. You're Jack fucking Hughes," You looked at him, your lip quivering. You were going to say something else, but Jack put his finger on your lips, gently stopping you from continuing.

"You gotta stop that. I can't let you keep putting yourself down like this, not when I love you with my whole fucking heart," He began.

"First off, I had that. I had whatever you consider a girl walking out of a magazine is. Look how that turned out. It didn't, did it? You don't look like Sienna, and I'm so fucking glad because I don't want her kind of beautiful. I want your kind. I want to see all of the things on your body that show me that you lived. I don't want some manufactured cookie-cutter girlfriend. I want somebody that nobody else has," He pulled you in for a hug, continuing to talk while placing kisses ever so gently on your cheek and neck, looking out the window at the busyness that was the outside world. All he could think about was how you didn't see what he saw. Why couldn't you see it?

"Baby, I want you to realize something. If the entire human population was in front of me, I'd still choose you. Without a second thought, with no regrets. Every. Single. Time. You have such a special relationship with my brothers and that means the absolute world to me. They love you so much. My parents tell me I should marry you anytime that you come up in the conversation. The entire team has commented on how much happier I am with you. And if I'm being completely honest, at the end of the day I don't give a damn what anybody else has to say because it's me and you until the end. Do you understand me?" He broke the hug, cupping your face with both hands and wiping at the tears with his thumbs.

"I love you," You whisper, your voice long gone by now.

Jack pulls your forehead toward his lips, kissing it for a few seconds before letting your head go.

"I love you, too. More than you, or anybody else, will ever know. Now, I think we could go for some cleaning karaoke, yeah? I'll wash the dishes if you'll dry them," He poked at your side, trying, and succeeding, in forcing a grin on your face.

"Only if we can get a shower together afterwards," You bargained, taking in the beautiful boy.

"Deal," He says and drags you off to the kitchen, connecting his phone the the speaker and blaring Dierks Bentley's new song "Beer at My Funeral," occasionally twirling you in a circle.

The water may or may not have gotten everywhere since Jack decided it was a good idea to spray you with the hose that connected to the sink, but he enjoyed every second that he got chased by you around the island.

Once the dishes were put up and the shower washed away the remaining bit of your depression, Jack couldn't help but to just admire you. He promised himself then that he would remind you so often of how beautiful you were so that would be the only words ringing through your head, taking up any space that the hate may have. Because it was true. You were the most beautiful and precious thing that had ever walked into his life, and he'd be damned if anyone made you feel otherwise.

*

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#nhl imagine #nhl fic #jack hughes #nhl fanfiction #quinn hughes #trevor zegras #alex turcotte #cole caufield #jack hughes imagines #nico hischier #jack hughes imagine #jack hughes x reader #jh86

[leviathans-body-pillow]

Mc’s Drink Gets Spiked at the Fall

(Maybe part 1)

(Mc+Asmo+Lucifer)

Trigger Warnings: drugs, getting drugged, reference to sexual assault, alcohol, puking

This is really long and I got tired of working on it lol. Maybe if it’s popular I’ll continue

Ya so I’ve been drugged at the club, shit sucks ass omg I’ve been sick and hungover before but nothing compares to how I felt that night and morning after. If you’ve never been roofied before it’s like you’re fine and then suddenly your drunk x100 and hung over x100.I was t able to even walk the next day. Thankfully I was with a friend so she was able to keep me safe and who ever did it wasted their drugs.

With all the being said, fanfics are my coping mechanism like a weird dairy. So Mc gets their drink spiked while out with Asmo and Lucifer has to save the day

Mc is gender neutral with they them pronouns

*************************************************

The night was coming to its climax! After a few fancy cocktails at Restaurant 6 you and Asmo had decided to take the party to the Fall. The dance floor was packed, the music shook the floors, and Asmo kept the drinks coming one after the other.

You and Asmo danced and drank for hours, slowly the crowd started to thin as the night grew old. You freely laughed with Asmo as you both stubbled over to the bar. Asmo was what could only be described as white girl wasted, wobbling in his heels giggling as his balance swayed back and forth. You wouldn’t say you were wasted perhaps tipping over the line of tipsy would be accurate. The fall only carried a small selection of human world liquor so compared to your date you had had considerably less to drink.

You sat Asmo a top a tall bar chair at cocktail table with in arms reach of the bar.

“Ooo grabme a drink!” Asmo slurred as you left to grab you both waters. Both of you unaware of the hungry eyes that lingered on you from a dark corner.

“Here babe” you said setting the water in front of you very sloshed date.

Asmo happily grabbed the glass taking a big swig only for his face to fall at the distinct lack of alcohol. “Hey! Thisisolywater!”

“Ya and you should drink it.”

“I’m fine~” Asmo wasn’t very convincing as he went to stand. “I’m getting somthin real todrink”.

Asmo took about two wobbly steps before he lost his balance and not so gracefully fell to the ground.

“Asmo! Are you ok!?” You quickly moved to his aid abandoning your waters at the table.

“Imfine imfine,” Asmo simply laughed as you helped him back to his seat.

“Come on let’s drink our water and have Mams come pick us up.”

“Ugh fine.” Asmo huffed taking a sip of his water.

Satisfied, you began to drink yours. Feeling a little dizziness, you laid your head down. ‘Maybe you had more to drink than you thought’

Asmo finished off his water feeling the spinning in his head start to slow. Just as he was ready to call Mammon suddenly you released what could only be described as a waterfall of vomit.

“Mc!?” Asmo was quick to side, propping you up from laying in you puke puddle. “Hey darling are you ok?”

“Mo I don’t feel sgood” you voice came out weak and strained.

“It’s ok hun come on, let get you some fresh air” but as Asmo helped you to stand you legs gave out toppling both of you to the ground.

Your head was spinning as you vision blacked out. All you could comprehend was Asmo’s voice as he frantically called over the bouncer for help.

With the help of a very concerned bouncer Asmo was able to get you out side. However the cold night air did nothing to clear your head. Asmo gently propped you up against the bars brick wall only for you to slide down legs to weak to stand.

“Hold on Mc, I’ll call Mammon we’ll be home soon.” Asmo tried to reassure you and him self as he frantically pulled out his D.D.D.

“Lucifer…” you groaned in you delirious state.

“Damn!” Asmo cursed. Five calls and Mammon’s useless ass couldn’t be bothered to answer a single one.

“Lucifer…” you weakly called you again.

Asmo paused, he could call Lucifer. There’s no question the eldest brother would answer his call. But if he saw you in this state there’d be serious hell to pay.

“Lucifer… I want Lucifer…” you called his name like a scared child calling for its father. You head lulled to the side suddenly feeling to heavy for you neck to support.

That’s it, Asmo quickly dialed Lucifers number, pacing as he waited for the eldest to pick up.

“Yes Asmodeus, what is it this time?” Lucifer answered already irritated by what ever it is Asmodeus could need at two thirty in the morning.

“Lucifer! We need you to come pick us up! We’re at a bar across from the Fall.”

“Unbelievable. Asmodeus it’s 2:30 in the morning. Do you really expect me to drop my work just to come play taxi for you. Unless your legs are broken I suggest you start walking.”

“Please Lucifer!” Asmo begged. “Mammon was supposed to pick us up but he’s not answering his phone!”

Lucifers mind wandered to Mammon who was currently hung from the ceiling. “Very well, I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Stay by the curd where I can see you.”

“Thank you! You’re the best big brother ever!”

Asmo knelt down to your level, patting you face gently to see if you were still conscious.

You simply groan turning you head to puke again.

“I’m so sorry Mc, Lucifer will be here soon! We’re gonna get you home and cleaned up before you know it!” Asmo assured you rubbing you back.

Asmo sat you down on the curd where he stood anxiously waiting for Lucifer to arrive. What was he going to tell the eldest when he saw the state you were in. All the times he had seen you drunk off your ass either at home casually drinking with his brothers or at one of Diavolo parties, you had never been fucked up to the point you couldn’t stand. Asmo counted your drinks, maybe three cocktails and a few shots? That’s not nearly enough to make you this sick. Asmo couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened to put you in such a state.

Asmo was startled from his thoughts by Lucifer honking his car horn as he pulled up to the curb.

Lucifer rolled down his window. “Where’s Mc?”

You had fallen back waiting for Lucifer. With out the brick wall to support you, you body had been too heavy to keep up right.

“They’re right here!” Asmo leaned down to pull you up.

Lucifer leaned out the window to see you laying on the ground. You head lulled back as Asmo hopelessly pulled on your arms trying to get you to stand.

“For fuck sake,” Lucifer groaned getting out to help get you into the car. “This is absolutely unbelievable.”

Lucifer easily scooped you up in his arms. “What the devil is wrong with them?” He immediately noticed how your body felt completely limp as though you were merely a doll.

“I don’t know! They were fine one second and like this the next! We only had a few drinks I swear!” In his big brothers presence Asmodeous finally felt his anxiety over you state over whelm him.

Lucifer signed, of course you couldn’t just be drunk, at least then he could scold you for being irresponsible. He gently rocked you, testing if you were still conscious.

“Lucifer,” you weakly called you your voice barely above a whisper. “I want Lucifer.”

Good at least you were awake although you clearly weren’t able to process your surroundings.

“Mc can you hear me?” He tried getting your attention.

“Luci? Wanna go home, don’t feel good.” You began to cry, delirious and scared you curled into his chest.

Good he thought, at least you’re responsive. “Hush now Mc, I’m here to take you home.”

Asmodeus began to cry too his head still spinning from all the demonous, “I’m so sorry Lucifer, Mc. I don’t know what happened.”

“Keep it together Asmo, just open the door so I can get them home.”

Asmo did as he was instructed chocking back more tears. Lucifer gently sat you in his passenger seat laying it back so you head wouldn’t hang forward.

On the drive back to the House of Lamentation, Asmo recounted all of the nights events to the best of his memory. Lucifer listened careful trying to figure what could have possibly happened to put you in such a state. He agreed with his little brother that it couldn’t have been the alcohol. He too has seen you wasted stumbling through the halls of HoL with his brothers, but you always seemed to bounce back rather quickly.

“Asmodeus, I want you to call Solomon. Have him meet us at home.” Lucifer signed, he hated to ask that shady wizard for help but you were more important than his pride.

“Ok,” Asmo couldn’t hide the nervousness in him voice. If Solomon needed to be involved it must be serious.

The phone rang only twice before Solomon picked up. “Hello?”

“Solomon I need you!” Asmo’s voice was desperate his anxiety over you completely consuming him.

“I’m sorry Asmodeus, I’m not really in the mood tonight.” Solomon completely misunderstood, used to the demon calling him out of a different kind desperation.

“No not that, somethings wrong with Mc!” Asmo explained everything he could, from the nights event to you current condition.

“Ok, hmm I understand. I’ll meet you there.”

Solomon was standing out side the main door when Lucifer pulled up. Before Lucifer could even turn off the car. Solomon was opening the passenger door and lifting you into his arms. Lucifer simply bit his tongue not in the mood to argue with the sorcerer.

Solomon navigated the halls of the house as if he too lived there, making his way to your bedroom. Lucifer was right behind him as Asmo stumbled behind.

“Wait!” Asmo called to Solomon.

Solomon didn’t stop but he did slow his pace for Asmo to catch up.

“Solomon, take them to me room.”

“Why?”

“Look at them,” Asmo motioned to your crumpled form.

Solomon took a moment to inspect you. Your cheeks were stained with tears, your hair matted and disheveled, your clothes were stained with puke, and your were covered in dirt and sweat.

“Let me get them cleaned up.” Asmo pleaded.

“Very well, Solomon please do as Asmo asks,” Lucifer spoke up. Above all else caring for you comes first.

“Alright, here Asmo.” Solomon handed you off rather reluctantly but he couldn’t argue considering you’re state.

Asmo carefully cradled you in his arms. Despite his thin frame you were still feather light in his arms thanks to his natural demonic strength. When he felt just how limp you were he had to bite his lip to keep his emotions at bay. All he wanted to do was get you cleaned up and tucked into bed.

Solomon and Lucifer followed him to his room further discussing the incidents to had occurred that night. They waited in Asmo’s room as he took you into his bathroom.

“I’m sorry Mc, I promise my intentions are pure at least this time.” Asmo gave you an apologetic look as he stripped you out of your vomit stained club wear. ‘I’ll have to take them shopping’ he thought as he tossed the ruined garments aside. He was carful to watch for any resistance as he removed your underwear but you were like a doll with no strength or will of your own.

Asmo propped you up against the wall for a moment as he got the bath ready and removed his own dirty clothes. He hesitated for a moment before picking you up to place you in the bath. The thought of feeling your skin against his and bathing with you did make his heart flutter but he quickly pushed those feelings down focusing on caring for you. He scooped you up into his arms, testing the water before he lowered you down with him.

He laid you between his legs, having you lay back against his chest. He went to work gently scrubbing you down. Asmo felt ashamed as his cheeks heated up and his heart fluttered running his soapy hands over your body carful to avoid any intimate areas. His emotions were running high seeing you so sick and vulnerable. He can’t help but feel his heart ache remembering how you called out for Lucifer. He wondered if you would rather have Lucifer in here with you. No, he could think that way. Not now while you were still in this condition.

He finished by leaning you back to wash your hair. He cradled you head in one hand carful not to let and water or soap get in you eyes as he ran the shampoo through your hair. He felt satisfied with getting you cleaned up and feeling much cleaner himself. There wasn’t much else he could do to help you, he felt so helpless. But, at least he could make sure you were comfortable. Asmo wrapped a warm fuzzy pink towel around your form, as well as one around his hips.

Solomon and Lucifer stopped their conversation when they hear the bathroom door. Asmo stepped out of the steaming room suspicious of they’re sudden silence. He didn’t like that they wanted to hide what he assumed they believed had happened to you. He also didn’t like the way Lucifers gaze was fixed on you or how Solomon’s gaze racked over both of you.

“Could we have some privacy?” Asmo’s question came out as a demand as he placed you on his bed to fetch you both pjs.

“Right,” Lucifer quickly turned around, averting his gaze from your form.

“Of course,” Solomon however turned around slowly his eyes lingering in you.

Asmo quickly dressed you in his coziest jammies before dressing himself. He tucked you into his bed making sure you’re head had plenty of support. By this point you were out cold and completely unresponsive to anything happening around you. Asmo sat next to you on the bed, gently pushing your damp hair from your forehead. “Alright, you perverts can turn around now.”

Lucifer and Solomon both turned back around. They traded glances before meeting Asmo’s eyes.

“So what were you talking about?” Asmo asked trying to keep up his usual sweet and innocent act.

Lucifer spoke first, “we were discussing a few theories about what we believe happened to Mc.”

“Oh? And what’s wrong with them?” Asmo couldn’t have hidden how nervous he felt even if he wanted to. They were being awfully cautious.

Solomon spoke now, “we believe it’s either a curse, a poison, or a human world drug.”

“We just need to examine them to figure out which it is so we can better treat them.” Lucifer finished.

Asmo could take a hint. Reluctantly he moved away from the bed allowing them to approach.

Solomon and Lucifer took his place by your side. Lucifer went first scanning your body for any hint of magic tampering or a curse. Solomon then thoroughly checked you over. He checked your vitals, as well as your eyes and mouth. He felt over your body searching for any abnormalities that could indicated the use of Devildom poison.

“Well?” Asmo asked growing impatient watching his friend feel you up.

“Well Lucifer?” Solomon asked first.

Lucifer sighed, “I didn’t find any residual magic or signs of a curse. And you Solomon?”

“Well the good news is I don’t believe they were poisoned at least by anything that could be found here in Devildom.” Solomon rubbed his chin in thought.

“Ok so then what’s wrong with them!?” Their answers did nothing to calm him down. “If it’s poison or a curse, what is it?”

Lucifer and Solomon shared a glance again. Lucifer shook his head no but Solomon remained firm. Before Lucifer could stop him he stood to face Asmo. “It’s hard to confirm with out proper medical testing but I believe Mc’s been drugged with a human world substance called Rohypnol or some call it roofies. It’s commonly used in the human world to sedate victims so they’re easier to s…”

“That’s enough Solomon.” Lucifer cut him off before he could finish but it didn’t matter, it was clear Asmo understood as the color drained from his face.

He wasn’t stupid. He’d heard of “getting roofied” before and he was fully aware of how humans used it. Asmo’s felt sick. Best case scenario you’re attacker would’ve just devoured you. However he knew if they had gone to the trouble of drugging you with a human world drug they had more than just eating you in mind.

Asmo broke down. “It’s all my fault.” He fell to his knees sobbing, “Mc could’ve been raped or worse and it’s all my fault.”

Lucifer said nothing. Truthfully he wanted to be furious. Angry at you for being so careless and angry at Asmo for not keeping a closer eye on you. But he just didn’t have it in his heart to lecture his little brother who was currently crumpled up on the floor crying. And fortunately for you he was much more worried than angry.

Solomon kneeled down to Asmo’s level gently placing his hand on his shoulder. “What’s important now is it’s nothing fatal and Mc will get better with rest and plenty of water.”

In his mind Asmo knew Solomon was right, you were going to be ok at worst just extremely hung over and dehydrated for a couple of days. But his heart ached with the knowledge of what could’ve happened.

This knowledge also weighed heavy on Lucifer’s heart. One slight slip up tonight and you might not have been with them now. Although you’re time in his life so far had been short, he couldn’t imagine it with out you.

“Since Mc’s going to be ok,” Lucifer finally spoke. “I’d better go start working on the paper work and reporting this incident to Diavolo.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose the exhaustion of the night catching up to him.

Solomon signed, “I’d better join you to help explain Rohypnol and how it’s used to Diavolo. Watch over Mc for us Asmo.”

Asmo sniffed taking a deep breath to calm him self. “Ok I will.” Solomon help him to his feet, turning to exit with Lucifer.

After the two left Asmo stood there for a moment focusing his breathing to calm down. He looked to you still knocked out. You looked as bad as you probably felt. While still sniffling, Asmo went to work on your face routine at least want he could while you slept. He massaged the serums in to face, feeling satisfied with the slight glow they gave you. He took care of his own routine before running to the kitchen to get you both water.

#obey me asmodeus #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me asmo #om swd #obey me headcanons #obey me writing #om asmodeus #obey me luficer #obey me solomon #om lucifer #mc x lucifer #lucifer x mc #asmo x mc #asmodeus x mc

[banamine-bananime]

i used to think insurrectionist leader taking ct’s identity meant he had used that to get away from ties to charon, but i’ve decided that actually his reasons for deciding he needs the monitor/alien tech so fucking bad he needs to commit mass murder of the dig team and double-identity-theft them make a whole lot more fucking sense if he’s still working for charon in season 7. so i’ve decided he just steals ct’s identity in the world’s weirdest most maladaptive grief coping mechanism because he would rather she be alive than him. and now i like him 100x more. all you need to make me like a character is make them actually really fucking weird

#rvb #rvb ct #entirely possible i’m ignoring an obvious canon explanation but idc #alexa send post

[levi-my-beloved]

Chapter Four: The Ackerbond Loves

Pairing: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Warnings: SMUT, so. much. smut. like maybe the best i’ve ever written who knows, standard hj we love those here, Levi being a dumb hoe, reader being a dumb hoe, heavy themes of abuse, implied abuse victim, coping mechanisms, reader almost dying cuz Gunther’s ass is so thick (canon).

A/N: this is almost 20k words. i’ve decided against being apologetic because i think we all know what i'm like at this point. enjoy the good times now because it’s about to get a whole lot worse :)

GO SHOW @peace-for-levi ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD FOR LITERALLY BETA READING 19 THOUSAND WORDS OF INCOHERENT GARBAGE. fr i need to buy you a drink or sommin

AND NATURALLY, credit to @levmada for the conceptttt <3

Taglist: @levmada @awesomeness1679 @purplecandygerl @iam-thevillain-of-thisstory @pluvio-pluto @midnightbarnes97 @aresclouds @imkumichan @xxpadfootxx @cmjh3 @justa19 @notgoodforlife @leviackermanmyhero245 @kaea-peverall @jakillski @macaronnv @natalie-skz @oldtownwonderland @snailsposts @lunardeiity @clusiesuzie @hi-imkaiya @isabellawigginss @ackermandick @orionsalos @disaster-writer @temariskadi @nariko1989 @elizaack @dixie-chick @death-by-bullseye

The moment your squad approached the old Scout HQ after half a day’s ride, your heart instantly sank. Cobblestone bricks veined with deep green moss, dried dead vines hanging limply from every archway, windows filthy with years of grime, abandoned to run amok. 

You sighed heavily to the natural ambiance of Oluo once again biting down on his tongue, and Petra’s scolding tone. Though the late afternoon light cast a picturesque glow on the old castle, you really didn’t feel like suffering through an intense cleaning spree. Though, of course, it was inevitable. 

Hooves clacked against the change of terrain as you slowed to a gentle stop. It was peaceful here, away from the city and the bustling crowds of busy tradesmen. Only the distant sound of birds could be heard from the surrounding trees. It was pretty beautiful. 

“Nice place,” you murmured to Eld as you dismounted, running your stirrups up the leathers so they wouldn’t bumble against your horse’s flanks as she walked. “Shame about the weeds though.”

“And I bet the inside’s a shambles. This place hasn’t been used for years,” he responded, slapping two pats against the side of his horse’s neck. You placed a hand on your hip, opening your mouth to respond, before instantly closing it again upon Levi’s interruption.

“In which case we have a problem. Best grab a broom and get to work.”

You stifled your groan of agony. Seriously? Cleaning? After that ride? The sky was just fading into early evening and Levi wanted to clean? Inevitable, yes. Fair? Absolutely not.

You and Eld looked at each other briefly, before sighing as Petra took both your horses. You cursed her as she silently claimed grooming duty. Why couldn’t you have been that smart? She sent you a knowing smirk from over her shoulder, as if she knew what you were thinking.

You instantly flipped her off. 

“Eld! Wanna take the windows with me?” Once again, you were too slow to claim a good job as Gunther stepped up before you even had a chance to suggest something. The windows seemed so easy! All you had to do was wash off the grime! So you weren’t surprised when Eld agreed, not so much as sending you a glance before striding off to grab a bucket and cloth. Oluo had, of course, gone off to do his own thing, which left you with Levi. A strangely ideal situation, all things considered.

“I hate you for this,” you deadpanned, still looking up at the monstrous task facing you.

“No, you don’t.” Levi responded, coming to stand at your side and following your gaze up at the castle. You fought down the urge to take his hand. Now is not the time, nor the place to try and figure out what the hell you two were.

Levi was in no better position. Whatever happened yesterday was stuck in his head. Your lidded gaze, soft lips, gentle smile… it was all pinned to a wall for his mind’s eye to stare at longingly. Glancing at you, he saw your lips in a forceful pout, and knew you were trying to suppress a smile. He, too, almost took your hand, fingers outstretched to hook your fingers together.

“Uh, Captain Levi Sir?” 

He swore then and there that if he was ever interrupted with you again, he would slash the throat of whoever barged in. “What?”

Eren cleared his throat behind you, and you turned as well, taking slight pity on him. It couldn’t be easy, trying to slip seamlessly into such a tight knit squad. You’d all almost completely forgotten he was here, only Oluo running his mouth to the ‘Greenhorn’. Poor fucking kid. 

“Just start cleaning, Eren. This place is a shithole and we have standards. You can start on the top floor and work your way down. We’ll meet you somewhere in the middle,” you instructed, pointing to the large double doors in front of you. “Petra should be back soon, but it’s up to her whether or not she decides to join you.” You threw a sideways glance in the direction of the stables, knowing full well she would be taking her time. 

Not that you could blame her.

“Got it!” Eren saluted stiffly, before running off to find himself a broom and a cloth. Once again, his enthusiasm sent a shiver down your spine, being reminded of Oluo’s overly enthusiastic, kiss-ass attitude. You knew Eren was just eager to prove himself, but he could tone it down just a little.

“Someone’s eager to please.” Levi muttered to you, and you sighed in response. 

“Can’t blame him really. He’s been thrown into a situation where suddenly the fate of humanity rests on whether or not he can prove his worth. Not to mention his life. If he fails here, he’s dead. It’s no wonder he’s eager to please.” 

You hadn’t meant to ramble on. You knew Levi didn’t really mean anything by it, but you felt the need to justify Eren anyway. You sure as shit wouldn’t want to have been beaten to a bloody pulp, thrown in with the Special Operations Squad, scrutinised by both the Scouts and the Military Police, before being forced to sit through one of Oluo’s “you’re new here so let me mansplain everything to you.” Honestly, maybe death was more favourable.

Levi softened infinitely at your far-away expression, having another war with himself to not take your hand. “It’s a miracle how you made it this far with a heart that big.”

How the fuck he said that with the utmost nonchalance you will never know, because your mind completely shut down, barely managing a breathy, shaky laugh. Your heart beating with the thunder of a galloping horse, you turned to look at him, only to see him looking back at you slightly wide-eyed. Could he feel your sudden change in demeanour, or was he looking like that because he’d only just realised what he said. You hoped to the fucking Walls it was the second option.

Managing to recover somewhat, your lips reluctantly pulled into a small smile. “If you wanna talk about big hearts, let’s talk about Evelyn, hm?” 

It was Levi’s turn to blank. Hating his blood for dusting across his cheeks, burning in his ears. Fuck, he’d walked straight into that one. But, as you relaxed with your smile becoming a little more genuine, Levi silently agreed that it was worth it. “You’re right… She does have a big heart.” His chest bloomed with your faux irritation, with the way you forced your face to fall. But he could see you were struggling to keep your expression, and Levi barely managed to stifle a laugh when you chose to start walking away instead.

“I hate you and you know that’s not what I meant.” If only you could hear the smile in your voice. Levi vaguely wondered if you would fall for yourself the same way he’s fallen for you. He went to tell you that, once again, you most definitely do not hate him, before a bolt of agony lashed through his head and his eyes lost focus. 

On instinct he reached out for your arm and viciously tugged you back into him, and you didn’t have time to question what the fuck he thought he was doing before the deafening crash and slosh of a full, steel waterbucket cracked against the ground behind you.

You stayed there for a moment, face nestled in the soft cloth of his cravat, only barely processing what happened.

Levi kept his steady hold around you as his eyes refocused on the fallen, badly dented bucket, horrified by the idea that, had he not pulled you back, you would most likely be dead right now. The thought made him tighten his arms around you. 

“You alright?” His voice was the soft, steady anchor you needed to keep you grounded, deep vibrations soothing the heart that now raced for an entirely different reason. This was achingly similar to the first time he saved your life this way, seeing your fate and stepping in to change it. Achingly similar to the way he continued to hold you after, soothing your trembling muscles. Admittedly this wasn’t nearly as terrifying as being in the clutches of a titan, but you were still a little shaken.

“Yeah… yeah I’m fine,” you nodded, reluctantly stepping out of his arms and looking back to the turned over bucket, the cobbles now a darker shade of grey where the water had tipped out. “This bond coming in clutch once again, huh?” 

Levi saw through it. He always could. He saw through your flippant attempt at humour, knew it was just you trying to maintain your composure. But he was learning your tells. Learning how you kept a brave face so seemingly easily. Staring at whatever nearly happened was one of them. He didn’t think when he gently pulled your chin back to look at him, quickly scanning your face, tighter than usual with anxiety. He took a deep breath, wordlessly forcing you to do the same. The faintly echoing heartbeat in his chest calmed.

“You’re okay.” He tucked a slightly loose strand of your hair back into place, and watched with proud satisfaction as you untensed. Deciding to push his luck slightly, he grazed the pad of his thumb over your cheekbone, heart glowing as you leaned into the touch ever so slightly. His skin prickled, and he couldn’t tell whether it originated from you, or whether that was just the effect touching you had on him. Whatever it was, you felt it as well, obvious by your slight shiver. 

Levi dropped his hand as panicked footsteps raced down the wooden staircase, both turning to greet a panting, sweating Eld, looking wide-eyed and terrified between you two through the open doorway.

“Fucking– is everyone okay?” He asked through laboured breaths. You smiled through a soft chuckle, trying to reassure the clearly stressed blonde as he fiddled with the hem of his jacket. 

“Yeah, we’re–”

“You almost fucking killed her.” You’d never heard Levi speak to his own squad with such venom in his tone. If they’d done something stupid like almost died, he would just tell them flatly to not do it again. He’d never really had a go at any of them, not in the same way you’d seen him have a go at Hange. But this… this was more similar to the time Oluo almost died in one of her titan crazed moments, when he’d held them by the collar and borderline spat in their face. You moved forward to mask the way you quickly held and squeezed his arm. A subtle, but meaningful gesture. 

Eld looked like he was about to faint. “I’m so sorry! Gunther and his fat ass. Idiot knocked it back off the roof squatting to fix his gear. Fuck, we didn’t think anyone would be–”

“–Eld, I’m fine. I promise. Look” – you held your hands up in front of you, turning a full circle so he could see – “no damage. I’m absolutely fine.” You implored until you heard him breathe out a sigh of relief, thankful both that you were okay, and his balls wouldn’t be roasted over an open fire.

“Tell Gunther to watch where he’s shitting next time.” You turned back to Levi, who had seemed to have calmed down significantly. Though there was still a slight bite in his voice, he wasn’t nearly as blindingly furious as he was a few seconds ago. Was that because of you? Or because it was a genuine accident? It was difficult to tell. 

Eld nodded all too eagerly, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow with the heel of his palm. Oh you were totally teasing him about this later. That was until he looked between you and Levi again, his expression completely different from before. He looked… knowing. Almost proud. You narrowed your eyes at him in threatening confusion, and he simply shook his head with a smile, and turned away back up the stairs. 

“You two are so fucking weird together,” Levi commented, stepping up to stand next to you again. You gaped at him with incredulity.

“Shut up!” 

“Didn’t you like him at one point?” He smirked at you out of the corner of his eye, and you groaned.

“Was I really that obvious?”

“About as obvious as Hange’s love for titans.”

You groan again, slightly louder. Levi tried his fucking best not to imagine the sound in… other situations. “Clearly not obvious enough, the bastard never even realised until after I’d moved on!” you lamented, gathering a few cloths from the table inside the front hall and removing his jacket from your shoulders before hanging it on the back of a chair. 

He folded his arms, surveying you with a raised brow. “How do you know?”

“We spoke about it yesterday when walking to the market. We were just talking about– stuff” – that was a little too close – “and it sort of just came up in conversation. Turns out we’re both just morons.”

“That’s for sure.” 

“...Levi, that was your opportunity to disagree.”

“Why would I disagree with facts?”

He barely dodged the cloth you threw at him, once again your irritated façade cracking easily. “Go get your special cleaning doily and join me upstairs. I cannot stand to see your face right now.” An obvious lie.

“It’s not a doily, doilies are made of lace.”

“And you would know that how?” You asked, drawling. Levi pulled a lopsided smile at you, answering with a single word that had you cackling with laughter when he left to grab his kit.

“Evelyn.”

It was late evening by the time Levi deemed the castle spotless enough to hole up in for a few weeks. Everybody was drained by the time the squad had gathered in a small dining room in what you assumed would have been the servant’s wing. Tea in hand, you engaged in idle chatter with the rest of your squad, waiting for the arrival of Levi and Eren. 

“So wait, you think Nifa and Moblit have something going on?” Petra asked to a smug looking Gunther across the table, who nodded in confirmation. “You were there at the last strip poker game, right? He could barely tear his eyes off Hange and they barely took anything off!” She argued with a vigour that made you laugh. Her hazel eyes turned to you, wide eyed in desperate need of support. “You’ve heard the way she talks about–”

“Petra!” You had to stop her before she revealed one of Nifa’s deepest secrets. Eld and Oluo seemed to perk up instantly.

“Oh, you can’t do that to us!”

“Come on, no secrets in the squad, remember?” 

Eld looked to you at that comment, raising a pointed brow. You sent him another confused look, but he simply looked away and back to the conversation at hand. You were confident nobody was around to see what happened earlier, so what the hell he could be referring to other than that, you had no idea. 

“That’s not fair, because this isn’t my secret. It’s Nifa’s, so butt out of it, all of you,” Petra held firm, folding her arms against the disappointed looks and huffs from the men. 

You hummed a soft laugh, your heart glowing with fondness for this group of people. And of course, the one missing. 

It’s as if he were summoned by your fleeting thought about him, both Levi and the newest addition to your squad came through the door from the left, Eren looking a little despondent. You assumed he just found out where he’d be sleeping… Poor kid.

“They here yet?” You shook your head as Levi took a seat at the head of the table to your right. Though nobody ever expected Hange to be on time. It was somewhat of a habit that they were always late to meetings, missions, even the start of their own expeditions, usually caught up in some research or experiment and didn’t notice the rest of the regiment going grey when waiting for them. “Might as well do introductions whilst we wait then. Eren, this is the Special Operations squad,” Levi continued, and you noticed the rest of your comrades straightening in their seats when being introduced. For ease, he introduced you first. “My Second, but you already knew that.”

“Wait, you’ve met already?” Gunther piped up from the other side of the table. “How’s that fair?”

“I was at the trial.” You explained swiftly, earning yourself a look of sudden understanding from the rest of your inquiring squad. Though Oluo audibly huffed from his seat, clearly perturbed that he wasn’t the one invited. Levi went on to introduce everyone else, who in turn greeted Eren in their own ways. Petra with a bright smile, Eld with a friendly wave, Gunther with a lopsided grin and of course Oluo with some kind of backwards insult. Naturally.

“These are the people who won’t hesitate to put you down if you go ape shit out there. I hand picked them all for a reason. Don’t fuck up, and we won’t have a problem. Do fuck up, and they have strict permission to act accordingly. Personally, I wouldn’t want to find myself at the end of any of their blades.” High praise coming from Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. A flare of pride flashed in your chest, despite already knowing he recognised everybody’s potential years ago. That’s why you were all here. Because you were deemed strong enough by the strongest soldier alive. You glanced around the table to see your comrades looking in similar ways to you. Gritty determination shining in the low light.

“I… I understand, Sir. It’s nice to meet you all.” You had to admire the kid. Even in the face of his potential killers, he managed to keep some semblance of collectiveness. From what you’d heard, Eren could be quite hotheaded. Not unlike yourself at times. There were certain things in yourself you hoped to see in this kid, and certain things you hoped to fuck stayed away. 

Before the silence prolonged any further, a loud pair of footsteps echoed down from the door on the left. The barred door on the left. You almost slapped your forehead before the inevitable impact even happened. 

Petra sighed, rising from her seat to remove the wooden bolt from the door, and allowing an excited looking Hange, rubbing the side of their head. You almost couldn't believe it, having not expected them to arrive until much later. You smiled in lighthearted surprise. 

“Gooooood evening, Levi squad! How’s castle life treating ya?” Hange’s ability to lighten up a room was always something you admired. You remembered Levi asking why you liked hanging out with them so much. Honestly, this was why. Their boundless energy rubbed off on those around them, though of course he seemed to be immune. But you enjoyed watching the antics, and smiling at Moblit’s frazzled looks. It was a nice return to some kind of normality after an expedition. 

Your eyes slid to Eld opposite you, whose smile mirrored your own. He too found Hange amusing to watch, the scientist often being a popular topic of conversation between the two of you. Your hands steepled in front of your mouth, hiding your subtle laugh.

“You’re early.” Levi responded, taking a long sip of the tea that was waiting for him when he joined you all. Judging from the above par taste, you’d made it. You were getting better at that. He tried to stop his heart blossoming at the thought. 

“Am I? Well I suppose I couldn’t wait. Hi, Eren! I hope this lot have been treating you well.” You watched Hange jovially drag a chair over to where the teen was sitting next to Oluo. You snorted quietly at the unsure look on Eren’s face. “Excited to start experimenting?! Levi! What’s Eren doing tomorrow?” 

“Cleaning out the weeds.” You glanced at his impassive expression of boredom. You didn’t envy whoever would be taking over that role as gardener, but if it was you, you would genuinely walk back to Trost.

“Excellent! We’ll start tomorrow then!” You all collectively groaned at the idea, hoping to have at least a day of rest before Hange started their rampage. You all just hoped he didn’t ask–

“Uh, what experiments will we be doing?”

The entire room stopped, staring wide-eyed at the poor kid, who had no idea what he’d just done. Though you couldn’t see, you could fucking hear Hange’s eyes light up at the idea of explaining her theories to this naïve teen. 

“I knew it. You possess a singularly curious mind…” 

Nope. Absolutely not. 

Simultaneously, your entire squad stood from their seats, including Levi. Eren had made his bed by asking Hange a question, something one should never do, and now he must lie in it. Alone. Every single one of you left without a word, quietly closing the door behind you. 

“That poor, poor kid,” Eld muttered to you as you climbed the stairs. You hummed in agreement.

“I wonder how long they’ll keep him there… I hope it’s not another one of those overnight things. Nobody deserves that, not even Nile.” You responded, taking his teacup from his hands. He let you without a word. 

“Didn’t they say they’d start experimenting tomorrow? How does Hange expect him to do anything if he’s already exhausted?” Petra asked. 

She allows  you to take her own cup as well. It was sort of an unspoken rule. You hated the idea of dirty dishes festering overnight, even something as simple as tea cups. But the rest of your squad didn’t share in this hatred, only Levi seemed to understand where you were coming from. So it was sort of expected that since it was your issue, you would be the one to fix it. Not that you were mad. You actually kind of liked it that way.

Gunther stacked his own onto Petra’s, Oluo handing you his after. You weren’t really surprised when Levi broke off from the group, though he was still holding his own. That did take you by surprise, but you knew better than to question. 

“Doesn’t concern us anyhow. Go get some rest, all of you. If we start tomorrow, I have a feeling we’ll all need it.” You instructed with a heavy sigh, gaining nods of agreement from your comrades, and several bids of goodnight. Eld lingered for a moment, and you instantly knew he had something to say, but was hesitating. “Go on, spit it out before it dies.”

Eld cleared his throat. “I see things are going well between you two.”

You blanched. How the fuck could he possibly– “What are you talking about?” Oh, that was way too shaky to not be seen as suspicious. Eld’s grin only widened further, and you felt heat gather at your cheeks.

“I’m happy for you. I really really am,” – he placed a hand on your shoulder – “you deserve it.” You covered his hand with your own, your expression relaxing instantly. He could always sap the tension from your shoulders like that. You honestly weren’t convinced he wasn’t some kind of wizard.

“Thanks, Eld. Not just for that but, for being pretty fucking great generally.” You gave his hand a squeeze, almost surprised to see a genuine shine of gratitude in his eye. Before he dramatically gasped and placed a hand on his chest.

“A compliment?! From you?! Hold on, I need to check the skies for pigs! Is it my birthday? Oh oh oh! I’ve got it! You’ve just found out you have an incurable disease and you want to show your appreciation before you die!” You shoved him off, laughing brazenly at his all too familiar antics.

“Eat shit and die.” 

“Great rules to live by. Eat, shit, and die.” You were so tempted to throw something at him.

“Go to bed before I fucking drag you.”

“And here I was thinking you only had eyes for the captain. Naughty.” 

“Go!” You went to give him a halfhearted kick, one that was easily dodged by a quick step backwards.

“Okay, okay, I’m going! No need to get violent.” He held his hands up in defeat, finally turning to leave you with the washing up. “Hey,” you looked back over your shoulder to see him still lingering by the door. “You’re pretty great too.”

He left you smiling before you could answer, and you found to your overwhelming delight, not a single romantic feeling towards him. There really was nothing like the feeling of moving on, and discovering you wouldn’t be in that kind of pain anymore. It was liberating. 

Teacup in hand, Levi passed Eld on his way down the hall, who smiled widely at him and gave him a nod in acknowledgement. One of the weirder exchanges he’s ever had with the blonde, but weird exchanges with both Eld and Gunther were to be expected. It’s just who they were. 

Levi had been stuck thinking about you all day since that morning. What would have happened had he not been interrupted. Would he have kissed you? He doubted it. He wanted to make that something a little more– ‘special’ didn’t sound like the right word, but he couldn’t think of a better one. Would he have just stared at you for hours? That went really well the last time, a fantastic way to make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe he would have just held you for a bit longer, reassured you a bit more. Although he thought that all the time. He constantly wanted to hold you more. That wasn’t anything different.

His boots echoed down the stairs as he approached the kitchen doorway, hearing who he assumed was you shuffling around, before the pitched shattering of ceramic ceased all movement.

“No, no no nononononono–” That was your voice. Panic gripped him as he sped down the last few steps to see you on your hands and knees, frantically scrambling for broken fragments of white porcelain. It wasn’t difficult to piece together what had happened, but Levi was more worried about the state of your hands and fingers than the broken teacup. More worried about your almost hysterical state. 

“What–” You cut him off with a fearful yelp, almost falling backwards having not heard him come in. He’d never seen you like this. Your eyes wide and wild, reddened by the streaming tears down your cheeks. Blood pooling from both your hands and knees from where you’d knelt in the shrapnel and tried desperately to pick up the pieces. You looked… you looked terrified. 

“I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to– it j-just s-slipped from m-my hands… I’m sorry, I-I’ll clean it up, j-just give me two m-minutes and it’ll b-be gone I-I’ll buy a re-replacement, I’m s-so sorry.” 

Levi was stunned into silence, utterly baffled by your sudden one hundred and eighty degree shift in personality. He struggled to comprehend that this was the same woman from earlier today, laughing and quipping alongside him. His fingers tingled with each small cut you managed to give yourself, knees stinging as you kept crawling on the sharp edges. That echo in his chest raced to the point of pain, his sternum twisting and hammering in panic. 

It took him far too long to gather himself again, your hands coated in a thin sheen of crimson. 

“Stop!”

Upon seeing you freeze up, Levi instantly regretted raising his voice even a fraction. You didn’t move, not even from where you were reaching to grab another shard of blood-stained white, hands trembling like a leaf in the wind. He could hear your slightly wheezed breaths, too fast to placate him. 

Kneeling before you, Levi took your shaking hands into his own, tilting them towards the light to see the extent of the damage you’d done to yourself. His own breath hitched slightly. How had he not noticed these last time? Your hands were covered in hundreds of paper thin scars, none of them longer than a centimetre. His mind raced, endless possibilities crowding his head, and pushing them all back felt like fighting a hurricane with a spatula. But Levi was nothing if not odds-defying. Taking his cravat from around his neck, he first wiped his own hands, before setting to work on gently clearing the scarlet from yours. He was used to getting blood out of it anyway, it wouldn’t be a problem. But seeing you like this…? That was where the problem lay. Your tears continued to stain the floorboards, and you continued to convulse slightly with each silent sob. 

He wanted to talk to you. To hold you. To gently stroke your arm until you calmed down, but he had a nightmarish feeling that if he did anything other than what he was doing now, you’d break apart again. So he just kept cleaning, wiping away any fresh blood that oozed from your cuts. He needed to properly clean them, like he did after that game of poker. But that meant trying to get you to move, and with the way you were still trembling… he didn’t expect that to happen anytime soon. It was a shock to see you like this; cowering away from every too-sudden movement, flinching everytime his hands so much as inched towards your wrists. It was worse when he went to try sooth your hair, your muscles locking up in anticipation, tucking your chin to your shoulder and screwing your eyes shut. You were bracing for something, he grew to learn, and his heart splintered along with the realisation. This had been done to you. This had happened before, but the resulting response from whoever you were with hadn’t been nearly as gentle. 

Levi slowly lowered his hands back down to yours. The bleeding stifled now, but he still needed to check your knees and properly clean your hands. You’d stopped crying as well, only now it was so much worse. You just… stared. Vacantly. Like a hole had hollowed out behind your eyes and you were just… empty. He felt nothing, no bond, no connection, no echo. It was like you weren’t even there anymore, like you’d mentally checked out. With endless trepidation, Levi tilted your head up to look at him. This time you didn’t resist; you didn’t react. You just kept staring, eyes slowly focusing on his face. You made no movement when his hand cupped your cheek, like you couldn’t even feel it, and he sorely missed earlier today, when you lent into him even fractionally.

Keeping his voice low and soft, he kept a good read on your expression for any sign of life. “I need to move you to the faucet, can I do that?” No response sans a slow blink, and Levi was at a complete loss. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know if moving you would terrify you again. Fuck, he hated this. Hated seeing you so vacant. So used to seeing your eyes glimmer, seeing them so faded fucking hurt. Not to mention how hollow he felt. Having grown to enjoy your weird presence in his head and chest, your absence left him feeling alone. A feeling he was disgustingly familiar with. “Please, come back. I need you here… I don’t know where you’ve gone, but I can’t reach you there. Come back to me, please.” He begged, both hands now cupping your face. He didn’t know what he was doing, letting his instincts guide him as he blindly reached into whatever connected him to you. 

Levi felt like he was flailing in the dark, treading water in some pitch-black ocean with no direction. He thrashed, recklessly searching for something, anything that suggested you were still there. He kicked against the dragging sensation in his head, desperate to stay above the inky black water. Whatever had a hold on him, only tugged him down harder.

“Find her.” It said, “Before she is lost. Find her. Or she will remain alone.”

He forced his limbs to still, and the forceful dragging became a slow descent. Praying for any kind of sign you were still there. The silence was consuming, filling his airways in choking quiet. He had to hold out. Just a few more moments. Another second. Please–

A flicker of life. He felt it. It was here. A faint, dying ember, but it was there. Levi reached out, feeling your heartbeat in his hands, before enclosing it in his palms, and pulling.

Hard.

Levi came back to his body moments before you fell forwards into him, just enough time to catch you. For a harrowing second, he thought you were dead, before the steady echoing of your heartbeat re-entered his chest. He checked your pulse, just to be sure, before finally relaxing when he felt the steady thumping against his fingertips. Your steady breaths indicated you had just fallen into a state of sleep, rather than unconscious. So he gently manoeuvred you into his lap, wrapping his arms around your waist and shoulders and tucking you safely into the crook of his neck, nestling his nose into your hair. 

What the fuck just happened? Was that all real, or did he imagine it? There was definitely some thread between you, he could pull on it if he wanted, gently tighten and slacken the bond, but did the rest of it happen? What happened to you? What had happened to you? Levi had so many damn questions and so few damn answers. Not that he would ever bring this up again, not unless you did. He had other methods to attend to anyway, primarily cleaning the cuts on your hands and knees. 

But he wanted to hold you. Just for a bit longer. For a few more minutes. Or forever. He honestly didn’t mind which. 

Unfortunately the press of your wounds weighed on his mind, and he reluctantly loosened his grip on you enough to scoop you into his arms, making sure your head was still tucked safely into his neck. Why the hell you smelt so fucking good, he refused to unpack before you were somewhere safe and comfortable, but he swore you smelt like freshly cut grass and peonies. Two of his favourite fucking scents.

Levi kept an ear out for any wandering footsteps down the hall as he carried you up to your room. Eren was most likely still stuck downstairs with Hange, listening to them babble on about titan anatomy basics. They always started with the basics. Looking down at you, he couldn’t help his lips pulling up into a tender smile. You looked surprisingly peaceful considering what just happened. Your face finally relaxing, those worry lines becoming much less pronounced. He didn’t realise how stressed you were all the time until now. Until he could see you without a care in the world. 

He’d been so lost in your face he hadn’t noticed Eld standing dead centre of the hallway, toothbrush hanging from his mouth, eyes wide in utter stunned bafflement. Levi cursed quietly.

“I– uhhhhhhh, Captain…? Is she– I have no idea how to respond to this. Is she alright?” Levi understood now why you liked him back in the day. The genuine concern on his face was admirable. Levi had never lied to his squad, and he wasn’t about to start now.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I think she’s alright now. She… collapsed in the kitchen.” Levi was genuinely proud to have somebody as caring as Eld on his squad, his brows pinched with worry as he quickly scanned you, pulling his toothbrush from his mouth the moment he saw your crimson stained hands and knees. 

“Wait, what h–”

“Eld, you wouldn’t happen to know whether she has a history of abuse, would you?” Eld pulled back, his concern shifting to full-blown alarm. The soft, worried creasing in his face became a harsher, more determined expression of protection. 

“Abuse? No… not that I know of. She briefly mentioned having two exes, but mentioned nothing about either of them being abusive.” 

“Her family?”

“She never mentioned them either. I actually assume they’re dead, to be honest. Whenever family’s brought up, she stays silent. The same with love lives.” Eld folded his arms, leaning against the wall thoughtfully. “I’ve seen her flinch though. When anyone would get too… exuberant. Mostly when she was near Hange and they got excited by something. I’ve seen her flinch at flailing hands, but I honestly thought it was because she was always ready to jump into action… I never even considered… Fuck.” Levi swore he watched the man go through the five stages of grief in the matter of a minute, sliding a hand down the side of his face. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice. Or even think. She didn’t even come talk to me. I would have–”

“Eld.” The blonde stopped, managing to meet Levi’s gaze. “You’ve been more than a good friend to her. She’s just… good at hiding. It might be nothing, but we can’t rule out any possibilities just yet.” He hated that he sounded like they were discussing some kind of mission plan, but he had to keep up professionalism around his squad. Whether they were already aware or not. “Get to bed, Hange starts tomorrow.” He instructed, continuing to carry you to bed. 

“Captain!” Levi stopped, turning his head back. “This might be out of order for me to ask, but…” Eld bucked up the courage to once again raise his head and look his captain in the eye, “Look after her.”

There was so much behind those words, Levi didn’t even want to think about the weight of them. Not yet. “...I plan to.” 

Clearly satisfied with this answer, Levi heard the door to Eld’s room close. He didn’t give himself credit for many things, but judging people’s character was one thing he was extremely good at. He was proud of his squad. Extremely proud of them. There were many in the Scouts who very much only cared for themselves, but every single member of his squad had a character to match their skill. It gave him hope to see how deeply the relationships between you all ran, and he knew you would have each other’s backs in a pinch. It was reassuring. 

Levi was brought back to reality by you shifting ever so slightly in his arms. Not much, but enough for him to know he needed to get you to bed and wash your cuts as soon as he could, though his heart almost burst with the realisation you were shifting into him, your cheek pressing against his shoulder. 

He was getting really tired of fighting the urge to kiss you. 

Using his shoulder to get the door to your chosen room open, the moon was just enough lighting to get across the floor without walking or bumping into something. A clear cross section of the window silhouetted against the wood guided him to your bedside. 

Setting you down on the plush new covers, he took a moment to sit next to you on the bed and just… look at you. To take a second to memorise your peace-stricken expression. He’d already committed to memory the peaks and valleys of your features, but like this? It was a sight he wanted to get used to so dangerously badly. Tucking a loose strand of hair off your face, he couldn’t stop his hands from softly stroking your cheek, smoothing over your eyebrow. You looked so gentle like this. So tender. 

So terrifyingly fragile. 

He hated to leave you, only for a few moments whilst he fetched a water basin and a clean cloth. He wouldn’t use the already bloodsoaked cravat, he’ll just wash that later. Though an awful thought finally crossed through his mind.

He couldn’t get to your knees like this. He couldn’t roll them up that far. Uniform pants were designed to be form fitting… but the only other option–

Wasn’t really an option really. He might just have to leave your knees for you to discover in the morning. As much as he cared about your health, he also cared about your dignity and comfort. He was not about to undress you when you weren’t even awake. The thought disgusted him.

So with a heavy sigh, he stood, and sending you one last glance, left to fetch himself what he needed.

…Why. The fuck. Did your hands hurt so damn much? You slowly, groggily stirred awake, scrunching your hands into fists and wincing when you found them stinging and crusty. Your memory was about as hazy as a thick fog, unable to decipher what really happened and what was a dream, and opening your eyes didn’t help anything. You were in your room. Or at least you assumed it was your room. How the fuck did you get here? Nothing made sense. One moment you were in the kitchen, and now–

You froze as you looked down at your hands, though the lighting was low, you could see the smudges of blood and the dark red slices across both of them. It looked… familiar. Uneasily familiar. You’d seen yourself like this before, you swore you had. Peering down at your hands, counting the cuts on each finger, tracing the divots in your palms. 

Why? Why did you recognise this exact scenario? And why did it hurt so much to think about? Before you could contemplate any further, your door opened seemingly unprompted.

Until another, more comforting familiarity put you at ease. Though his appearance was unexpected.

He clearly hadn’t expected to see you either, pausing briefly after shutting the door. You only had a brief few second window to try work out what he was holding, but it looked like a steel basin of water, a tub of salve and a few cloths. Though your brain was still waking up, it didn’t take Hange to work out what was happening. Barring your thankful smile was impossible, though you found you had no will to do so. 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be awake,” Levi murmured, grateful for the low lighting so you couldn’t see the soft blush across his cheeks. Half of him hoped you wouldn’t wake up until tomorrow… half of him. 

You shrugged, still a little bashful that he was currently standing by your closed door whilst you were sitting up in bed. “I wasn’t expecting you to come in.” Though you were smiling, you saw that he wasn’t, and a heavy globule of dread pooled in your gut. What the hell had happened…? “I don’t really–”

“Do you remember–”

You spoke at the same time, instantly cutting off upon hearing the other’s voice. But there was no awkward silence. No charged quiet as he crossed over to you, setting the water on the bedside table and taking up his previous seat by your side. Though this time you were awake.

No further words were exchanged as Levi took you hands back in his, his intentions made even clearer when dipping a clean cloth in the water and gently soothing your lacerations, the dried blood coming away like wet paint. He felt your eyes on him as he worked, using every fibre of his self control to concentrate and not acknowledge your gaze. Because if he had to fight kissing you one more time, he would lose. 

“What do you remember?” Talking was a welcome distraction from the way his lips pursed in delicate concentration. Though you observed the way they danced around each word, and it almost killed you, only surviving by tearing your eyes away to look elsewhere. 

“Not a lot.” You whispered, and Levi had to pretend it didn’t cause a shiver down his spine. He hoped to fuck you couldn’t feel that. “I remember cleaning up, and I remember being in the kitchen. I think I dropped something, but that’s it. Then I’m here.” You explained, wincing slightly as he swiped across your teared skin. 

Levi fell into a thoughtful silence. Should he ask you? Should he bring up his conversation with Eld? He guessed that if you wanted to talk about it, you would have done so. Either with him or the squad. But the thought of leaving the topic undiscussed didn’t really sit very well with him. He wanted to talk to you. Fuck, he wanted to talk about everything with you, not just this. He wanted to know everything about you. 

But before he’d made up his mind, you decided for him. “So, will you finally tell me how you know Evelyn, or is that some deep dark scandalous secret nobody is allowed to– Ow! The fuck, Levi?!” You snatched your hand away, facing him with betrayal as he flattened you with a stare. You frowned a pout. “No need to be so rough, especially when you can feel it too.”

“I’m clearly not as sensitive. And I told you how I met Evelyn, she owns the tea stall, how else would I– Would you please give me your hands?” He sighed, exasperated when you tucked them behind you, though it was a trial not to laugh at how petty you looked. “I’m not in the mood to play games with you right now.”

“That suggests you’re sometimes in the mood to play games with me. Where am I when these moods hit?” 

“Shovelling shit from the stables.”

“Ever the comedian.” You snorted, before raising a brow at his outstretched hand, patiently waiting for you to give in. He should know you’re more stubborn than that, though he continued to look at you expectantly.

“You waitin’ for a formal invitation?”

“I’m waiting to see how long it will take you to realise I'm not that easy.” You smirked smugly, assuming you’d won this little game of yours.

Until Levi rose from his chair, muttering something about you being a fucking brat, placed a knee on the side of your bed, and swung his other leg over to straddle your lap. Your breath froze, heart beating out of your chest as you stared wide-eyed in utter shock at your captain currently sitting in your lap. 

Levi chose to ignore the fact that he could literally feel himself shaking with adrenaline, and instead calmly took your arms from behind your back and held them in one of his hands, reaching for the washcloth with the other. He chose to ignore what he’d come to know as the faint echo of your own heartbeat thundering beside his own, instead choosing to focus on his original task of cleaning your wounds. He chose to ignore the mirroring heat rising to his own face, reaching back towards your nightstand to snatch the tub of salve.

Chose to ignore the small spark igniting in his crotch.

You’d managed to recover from the initial shock, now doing everything in your power to avoid looking at him. If the tables had been turned, you couldn’t say you would have done any differently, it was just unfair that it was him doing this to you. This was him flustering you. You liked it when it was the other way around. All sorts of filthy scenarios flitted about your head, all stemming from this specific position, and it took all of your willpower not to indulge in a little dream of having him like this, in your lap, whilst you worked him up and over. 

Levi clenched his jaw. In hindsight, this wasn’t a very clever idea. He hadn’t really been thinking about the consequences when he wanted more than anything to prove you wrong, and demonstrate just how easy you were. Or rather, how easy he made you. But the way your hips shifted below him, the way you subconsciously brought your knees up behind him… Fuck this was a mistake. He couldn’t get hard right now for fuck’s sake. He didn’t even want to imagine that scenario, when you realised he was fucking aroused and his rock hard cock tented in his pants borderline in your face. 

He had to move. He had to get off you, before his erection grew any more. Before he made an absolute embarrassment of himself. He just prayed to the fucking walls that phantom pleasure didn’t start again. It did have a habit of rising at the worst of times.

Placing the tub of salve back onto the nightstand, Levi shifted his weight to move off you. But you had other plans. With your hands now slightly slick with balm, you easily slipped them from his grip, taking his own wrists and boldly throwing them above your head. 

A gasp flew from his mouth as he fell forward, coming face to face with your now wickedly smirking visage, hot breath tickling his face. 

“Still think I’m easy?” You murmured, eyes flickering between his own and his lips. Despite wanting nothing but to lock them with your own for the last however many years you’d been secretly pining over him, you wouldn’t kiss him. Not today. A dominating part of you wanted the satisfaction of leaving him hanging after behaving the way he just did. 

Levi was at an utter loss, and he suddenly felt a little guilty for putting you through this exact same situation not moments ago. He felt like a deer in searchlight, completely frozen in place, his heart matching that same hammering beat your own reached when he’d started this whole thing. This was the side to you that sent his stomach somersaulting. The same side that saw you smile so savagely at Hange, the same side that sent heated glares to those who pissed you off. The same side that made him absolutely weak at the knees. 

The same side that did nothing helpful for his arousal situation. Especially not when you leaned up as far as your flexibility would allow, your breasts pressing into his chest. He thought for a terrifying moment you were about to bite against his ear, and if you did that, this night would end with him cumming in his pants on top of you. 

He was eternally grateful when you didn’t do that. 

“Go to bed, Captain.” That wasn’t much fucking better. Levi shivered incredibly noticeably at your breath dampening his helix, sending a pulse of electricity through his nerves. 

You relished in the now deep flush across his cheeks as you fell back onto the pillow, releasing his wrists from your hold. The corner of your lips quirked up in another smirk as you saw his internal debate, still frozen in complete shock. So you decided to be nice and help him on his way. “Sleep well.”

Fuck you. Fuck. You. Both literally and in the insulting sense. Levi barely gathered himself enough to clamber off you and leave without another word. Forgetting everything he’d brought to your room in favour of getting back to his own as fast as possible. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. FUCK. He could almost hear your wicked cackle in his head as he walked at the speed of light back to his quarters. Fuck you and you stupid fucking smirk and your stupid fucking hips and your stupid fucking mouth. 

He couldn’t think past his throbbing cock once again. And once again it was all because of you. He almost didn’t want to sort it out of some kind of twisted spite. He didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing you fucked with his head – and cock – that badly. Not that you would know. You definitely had some idea, sure, but not the extent to which you messed with him. 

His resolve to stay strong and keep his hands from his dick crumbled the moment he crawled into bed after awkwardly pulling a pair of loose pants over his throbbing length. This was so stupid. So fucking stupid. How could you be in his head like this? Causing him to toss and turn, unable to get comfortable with a raging fucking hard-on. This was way too similar to the first time this happened, only, despite however long he waited, that ghostly pleasure didn’t start. 

Fine. Fucking– Fine! He’ll just get this over with quickly. The shower was too far away anyway. Reluctantly, Levi pushed down the hem of his pants, kicking them off his legs. It would be easier if he wasn’t wearing anything… right? He honestly had no idea. Would being on his back be better? It felt a little too exposed, so he turned onto his side. How did people do this regularly? He felt like he had a fucking mental checklist of things that needed to be right before he even thought about fisting his cock. 

Taking a heavy breath, Levi ghosted his hand down his front, skin prickling at his own featherlight touch before stopping just short of his arousal, suddenly feeling nervous. What if he did it wrong…? What if it didn’t feel good? Would he be disappointed? What if–

He used his questioning mind as a distraction, before wrapping his hand around his length. All rhetorics ceased with the warm honey seeping into his veins. Well, that’s one question answered. It felt good. Fuck, it felt really good. Levi really wanted to stay quiet during this, fearing that hearing himself would turn him off, but the way his breathing stuttered with each gentle, languid stroke was actually a strange aphrodisiac. He hummed a groan, closing his fist tighter around his cock, precum already copiously spilling from his tip, lathering both his palm and his pulsing shaft.

His other hand moved from where it was clutching the pillow by the side of his head, skirting down to grasp his soft, round balls, rolling them in his palm. His hips bucked along with a whimpered gasp, brows pinching as his eyes fluttered closed. He experimented with different holds, finding his euphoria building quicker when his thumb pressed against his prominent vein and his fingers circled his tip. This was different to last time. Last time, he was completely out of control, waiting on the whims of a phantom pleasure. But this time, he felt his high build slowly, working himself up before tightly gripping the base of his cock. He didn’t know why he was edging himself, assuming that’s what it was, he honestly just wanted this to last. He’d never made himself feel this good, never drew gravelly moans and fractured whines from his throat with his own hands. 

A strike of confidence overtook him, and he let his hand venture further down, resting against the spot between his ass and balls. Still feeling bold, he gently massaged the area, gasping loudly at the sudden spike of bliss. Levi’s mouth dropped open with a quiet wail, his hips now thrusting erratically into his own hold, fucking his fist whilst his fingertips ground against his taint in ever increasing circles. Another question answered. He would not be disappointed. Not when he could feel his high cresting. He couldn’t help himself. In the comforting darkness, he whispered out your name.

“G-gonna cum! Fuck, fuck…! G-gonna fucking cum o-ohahaah! Nghyes! Fu–” His voice cut off as he was dropped into a sea of ecstasy, oceans of pleasure roiling in his veins, crashing over his nerves as he managed to bring himself to orgasm. His thighs shook, trapping his hand between them as he failed to stop the rhythmless bucking of his hips, white seed expelling from his sensitive head and dribbling down his knuckles, staining the sheets below. 

Levi basked in the afterglow of his high before the inevitable post-orgasm clarity ruined his mood. He thought back to your vixen-like smile, your teasing lips. He swore he could hear you laughing at him, giggling maniacally at his desperation.

–Easy– 

Great. Even his own mind was teasing him now. Levi sighed, the weight of his situation lying heavily on his shoulders. Until the realisation hit him like a punch to the gut.

After all that, after everything that had just happened.

He still hadn’t dealt with your fucking knees.

“Eren, what the fuck?”

“You trying to kill us all?”

“We trusted you!”

Your blades held steady in your hands, heart pumping in your throat as you were poised to strike at a moment’s notice. Eren transformed out of nowhere, scattering you and your team to the floor, the wooden picnic bench now in splinters where his giant titan hand clutched a small spoon. You ignored the steady trickle of blood down your forehead from where a sharp splint had just sliced your skin, too busy focusing on your new enemy. The only thing standing between you two was your Captain.

“Calm down.” His order was ignored when you only gripped your blades tighter. Call it mutiny, you were not about to back down. Lives were in danger now. The lives of the people you cared about more than anything. He was an idiot for thinking you would just drop it.

“Captain, you’re standing too close, please step away!” At least Petra was on the same wavelength as you, voicing what you were thinking. But he held frustratingly steady, a hand held before him as if to stop you. But he couldn’t stop all of you.

“You’re the ones who need to step away. Stand down. Now.” You vaguely admired him for being able to keep his cool when faced with the drawn blades of the best Scouts in the regiment. “That’s an order.”

You didn’t care if the conviction of the other’s wavered. You were set. Another wrong move and Jaeger wouldn’t be a problem anymore. Erwin would just have to find another hope for humanity. Maybe one that possessed a head. 

“Are you an enemy of humanity, or are you not?!” Oluo shouted from your left, Eld, too, holding his blades tighter at the question. You did nothing but wait in panther-like hostility, anticipating the fucking second he would move to kill you all. You wouldn’t let that happen. Not on your life.

“Answer us, Eren!” It was Gunther this time, sounding like he genuinely wanted to believe in the teen. Of course he did, that was Gunther through and through. 

“I said stand down.” Levi reiterated, clipping his tone to the point of venom. A quick glance down told you he was talking to you. His Second. You knew he needed you on his side, but when faced with a threat this large, you had to rely on your gut. And he had to move out of the way. Your eyes returned to the struggling kid, but no sympathy entered your veins. Only the cold stone of protection. Bond or not, you still had to rely on yourself in certain situations. It hasn't done you wrong thus far. You could always rely on your gut. Always trust your gut. 

You watched as Eren squirmed and wriggled, trying to free himself from the fleshless arm. He could do that if he wanted, he could most likely find himself on the end of your blade though. The moment he came free and fell backwards, you were there. You hadn’t even noticed the arrival of Moblit and Hange, barely registered Levi’s harsh call of your name as your blade swung towards his neck–

Only to stop a hair’s breadth away from his throat. You could almost taste the kid’s fear, and you honestly relished in it. Good. He should be fucking scared. Betrayals like this aren’t taken kindly, and you would happily relieve his head from his shoulders. And you would have done, had your captain not stopped you with a hand grasped firmly on your shoulder. Honestly, if looks could kill, Levi would be six feet under. As would you. The tension was palpable as your entire squad watched a subconscious battle of attrition, a war between wills. A raging clash between ice and fire, stoicism against hotheadedness. The likes of which your squad had never seen. Not once had you clashed so fiercely with Levi before, and it wasn’t honestly a spectacle to witness. 

It felt like the charged silence warped on forever, before you slid your gaze from Levi to Eren on the floor, frozen in place. Eyes narrowing, you scrutinised him. Assessed him. Searched him for any fucking shadow of betrayal. It didn’t matter what came up of your search, because you sheathed your blade anyway, watching with a vicious snarl as he scrambled backwards. 

With your weapon away, Levi’s eyes shifted to the cut on your forehead, brows pinching in concern. But you honestly weren’t interested in his worries, having been put in an incredibly sour mood after this entire ordeal. You harshly shrugged off his burdened looks and hand from your shoulder, wincing away from his reaching fingers and stalking off away from the camp. 

Fuck this.

Now, sitting here back in the small dining room, your opinion may have shifted slightly. Maybe you’d overreacted just a little, though you didn’t really see how you were to blame for that. This was unexplored territory, of course you were going to be on edge. Sure, maybe pointing your razor blade in his neck could be considered ‘going overboard’, but you just called it ‘taking precautions’.

But the atmosphere in the dining room was heavy; laced with unspoken tension. Your squad all gathered around a dimly lit table, Levi standing off to the side slightly whilst Hange spoke to Eren about the spoon he was holding. You didn’t look up from the ground, despite the obvious flaw in your decision making. You didn’t understand how being threatened and acting accordingly was such a terrible thing, but by the look Levi was giving you, fuck you felt that in your soul. 

Was he really that disappointed?

Could you really blame him? 

“But still… Turning into a titan to pick up a spoon… What the hell’s up with that?” There was clear remorseful confusion on Eren’s face as he stared at his own hand, and in that second you understood just how brazenly you acted. Fuck.

“So basically, you didn’t act against orders on purpose, right?” Gunther asked, keeping a close eye on the kid. You knew you were all feeling the same.

“Right.” Eren responded, and Gunther sighed. You all did. You were wrong. You made the wrong call. Turning to look at Eld, you nodded at each other, same when your eyes met Petra’s. With a heavy heart, you raised your hand to your mouth and bit down on the flesh of your thumb. Hard. 

Hange looked slightly panicked at the spectacle before them, but Levi just watched. He understood. He felt the impact of your bite in his own hand, and he understood. Though he knew you bit harder than you needed to. A strain of painful pride blossomed in his chest.

“Wait, what are you doing?” Eren looked between you all in bafflement. 

“Ow. Fuck, that was hard. I’m impressed that you can do that, Eren.” Eld chimed, and you couldn’t help but smile. He always knew how to ease tension.

“This is our modest way of apologising after making the wrong call,” Gunther explained, “Not that it really makes a difference now.”

“Our job is to keep you in check after all! That was not a mistake. So don’t get ahead of yourself!” You almost snorted at Oluo’s justification. He never could stand being wrong, and you cringed at how much he tried to sound like the captain.

“I’m sorry, Eren. We were too on edge, and I can understand if you’re upset with us. But despite this, we want you to be able to rely on us, as we rely on you.” You’d almost never heard Petra sound so serious, but you supposed now was the best time for that. 

You knew it was your turn to acknowledge what you did. Stepping past your squad, you stood in front of the teen, your jaw set. “Eren… I acted too quickly, and you suffered for it. There’s no justification for how I behaved, and for that I can only apologise. I failed to recognise my job to not only protect my squad, but also you. As acting captain when Levi is away, I take responsibility for the decisions of the squad. And though the captain was present, this one was an error in my judgement.” You placed a hand on his shoulder. “I hope you can still trust us.” 

Eren looked utterly stunned, and Levi would have chuckled had he not been so caught off guard by your apology. There was that conviction he admired so much. He’d missed seeing your eyes flare in that way. 

“No, I understand. You were just doing your jobs…” Though Eren seemed unsure, you trusted him enough to make his own decision. Whether he could put his faith back in you, that was up for him to decide. You stepped back to the wall, folding your arms over your chest and glancing to where Levi was looking at you. 

‘I’m sorry.’ You tried to tell him, searching for that unspoken connection through his eyes. Your breath of relief couldn’t have been sweeter when he responded to you.

‘Forgiven.’ Is all he said. It was all he needed to say. Your resulting release of breath was reward enough.

Hange once again looked between the group awkwardly, not really understanding what the fuck just happened. “Well… now that’s over with, anyone down for a team-building game?” Honestly? Yeah, you were. In fact, you could genuinely think of nothing better than to relieve the tension with some fun. 

“What’d ya have in mind?” Eld asked, eyeing you with a quirked grin.

Hange thought for a moment, before a wicked smirk pulled at their lips. “Kiss or strip?”

“Hange, Eren’s fifteen years old. And why do all your games involve stripping?” You were a little surprised Levi chimed in. You honestly weren’t expecting him to stick around. But the idea of him staying to join you sent your stomach flipping.

“I uh– actually I’m probably going to head to bed. Today was… draining.” 

You pursed your lips to stop yourself from smiling at the obvious blush across poor Eren’s cheeks. You can’t blame the kid, you’d known your squad for years now, so stripping in front of them wasn’t an issue. Plus, you were all much older than him. You didn’t expect him to want to kiss any of you. 

“Ah! Excellent. Sleep well, Eren. Right, everyone in a circle. Anybody got a bottle?” Hange asked the moment Eren left the room. You sighed heavily, taking a seat on the floor next to Eld. 

“We should have expected this.” He muttered to you.

“We really should have.”

“Right!” Hange clapped their hands together, rubbing them slightly in excitement. Walls they were really terrifying sometimes. Placing a bottle in the middle, their manic eyes scanned the circle. “Who wants to go first?”

“Just spin it, Hange, nobody ever wants to go first.” You heart leapt. So he was going to join you! You felt Eld elbow you gently in the ribs, wiggling his eyebrows at your resulting scowl. Mentally cursing his name, Hange spun the glass in the centre, the neck landing on Moblit sitting next to them.

See, the thing with the Scouts, or at least the veterans, was that nobody was really out of bounds. Even so, on the list of things you thought you would see today, Levi and Moblit sharing a romantic moment was not one of them. If you weren’t so into him, you would almost root for their newly budding relationship. Even if a distant part of you was genuinely jealous at the fact fucking Moblit got a kiss before you did. 

After Hange and Gunther, the bottle landed on Oluo and Petra, and you watched to your absolute hilarity as Petra removed her jacket and handed it to him. You glanced at Eld in confusion, and he shrugged back at you. Petra never did explain what happened between them. Hange spun the bottle again, the neck landing on you. You were pretty comfortable with your entire squad, Hange and Moblit included, so the thought of having to kiss any of them didn’t really spark anything. Until you remembered Levi was playing, and suddenly it was like you couldn’t sit still. 

You couldn’t tell whether you were relieved or disappointed when the bottle landed on you again. Usually that would mean you would drink, but with the severe lack of alcohol, during this specific rendition, it just meant you’d kiss the person to your left. 

“Been a long time coming.” Eld grinned as you faced him.

“And whose fault is that?” You quipped back, folding your arms with a beam twice as bright. Without another word, Eld leaned down and quickly pecked your lips. You heard Petra’s gasp of delight across the circle, and made a mental note to hit her over the head after this game. 

“Anything?” Eld ask having pulled back, and you could safely say you were being truthful when you shook your head.

“About as sparkless as wet flint. Sorry, Pet.” You threw her pouting face a wink, before Hange nodded in approval. 

“Fair enough! Right neeeeeext up!” Hange spun the bottle again, and your calmed nerves flared up again the moment it landed back on you. Was this bottle weighted?

“Again? Damn, you’re really being favoured tonight,” Gunther snorted, and you rolled your eyes.

“Hardly.” You replied, uncrossing your legs and leaning back on your palms. It was extremely unlikely, right? Yeah, the odds weren’t in your favour with this game, and the probability of the bottle landing on Levi was so low that–

Well then.

You swallowed.

So did he. 

So much for low probabilities. The neck of the bottle taunted you by shaking slightly, before settling on your captain. Though you were nervous, excitement also fizzed in your gut. Finally, finally. You’d waited far too long for this. Though it was in a silly game, you thought this still counted, right? Yeah, this still counted. Your eyes met across the circle, and you could see that same spark of trepidation in his own steel irises. Fair enough, he too was nervous. That just made this slightly more special. You smiled to try to put him at ease, before freezing in your seat, expression stuck.

Levi took his jacket off. 

You blinked, slightly confused. Was he just warm? Or–

All your questions were answered when he handed it to you. Oh, this was nothing like the last time he did that. This was… this hurt. 

You were almost too stunned to take it, your numb fingers hooking beneath the leather and laying it down by your side. You almost wanted to take off the one you were wearing, also being his and all. You mildly appreciated the way Eld settled his hand over the one you were leaning on, trying to provide some semblance of comfort whilst you suffered this harsh slap in the face from reality.

Before that slap became a full on kick when the bottle landed on him and Petra, and he did kiss her. 

Eld squeezed your hand. 

You didn’t get it. You couldn’t get it. Had this whole fucking thing been some kind of sick, twisted joke? Had this whole thing been some fucked up game he’d been playing? Was he really that bored to the point he would fuck with your emotions like this? Were you even really bound? Or was that all bullshit too? Did he just fucking pretend? Was this all pretend?

You didn’t even register the rest of the game, thanking whatever merciful divinity intervened with fate and left you unpicked. Though the fucking second Hange released you all from their clutches, you were up and gone. Striding up the stairs and down the hall.

He called your name. You hadn't even realised he’d been following you until now, but this time you didn’t stop. You just kept walking, driven by a kind of hurt you’d never felt before. You wouldn’t cry. Not over this. You refused to. You’d been through so much worse than this, and yet this hurt so much more than anything else. Why? You thought you were good at handling rejection. You handled rejection from Eld pretty well, even if he didn't technically reject you. So why the fuck was this splitting your soul apart? You kept walking, heedless of Levi’s calls after you. You’d never been so angry. At everything. At yourself for reacting in such a strong way, at Levi for whatever the fuck that was, at Hange for even suggesting this stupid fucking game. You just wanted to go home. Fuck this mission, fuck these experiments, and fuck your stupid fucking, confusing, mixed signal giving, grumpy faced, irritatingly good-looking, annoyingly sweet, stupid fucking captain–

“Please, just stop,” you’d been too caught up in your head to hear his footsteps close in on you, only noticing the moment his hand wrapped around your swinging wrist, stopping you in your tracks. You didn’t turn. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of showing him you were upset. Fuck him.

Levi found himself at a loss. He didn’t know how to explain himself. He’d wanted to kiss you. Shit, he’s wanted to kiss you for so fucking long, but just… not in front of everyone. Not for your first kiss. And shamefully, he didn’t know if he could control himself. The bond he had to you had done things to him, made him feel things he’s never even felt a whisper of before. Disgusting, repulsive, filthy things he was so fucking ashamed of he could barely look you in the eye most days. But he couldn’t let you leave thinking he did what he did because he didn’t want to kiss you. 

“Let go…” It was a weak attempt, but you tried to pull your hand from his grip, only for his hold to tighten. You grit your teeth. “Levi, let go of me.” 

Every fibre of your self control was poured into keeping your voice steady, though your hand shook slightly. “I swear to the fucking Walls Levi if you don’t let go of me I will hurt you.” Physically or emotionally, you weren’t sure yet. You just wanted him to hurt as much as you were right now.

Little did you know he already did. You didn’t have to turn around for him to know you were in agony. He could fucking feel it, only made worse by the fact that was all his fault.  He hated it; despised this feeling. But he couldn’t hold you against your will, so he reluctantly let go. He felt like all his prayers were answered when you didn’t immediately leave. 

“I couldn’t.” It was as much of an explanation as he could manage right now. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how he could make this feeling go away. 

“I don’t understand.” His heart shattered at the confused desperation lacing your now quaking voice. “I don’t get it. One moment I think there’s something between us, but then it’s like I don’t exist. No, it's worse than that. It’s like you can’t bear to be around me.  I’m sorry I fucked up today. I’m sorry I ignored your orders and undermined your authority, but fuck! I didn’t think you hated me this much, Levi. Enough to mess me around like this. Enough to be more comfortable kissing Petra than kissing me. So I’m going to give you two choices–” you finally turned, eyes hardened with heartbroken rage, “Sever the bond between us, and stay the fuck away from me. I’ll transfer squads and we won’t have to see each other nearly as much,” 

No. He wasn’t doing that. He couldn’t do that. It would most likely kill him, as selfish as that was. He didn’t want to be away from you, being away from you wasn’t an option. And the thought of severing the bond… his blood burned from the inside at the thought. It was physically painful to even consider. 

“Or,” – you continued – “you talk to me. Just… tell me what’s going on. Because I genuinely can’t continue with things as they are between us. I don’t know where to go, I don’t know where I stand. I can never tell if i’m important to you or if i’m worth the same as the fucking dirt off your boots. And it’s agony, Levi. I don’t know if you know, but it’s–”

“I know.” That made you stop. You hadn’t taken a moment to really look at him, too trapped in your own pain to open your eyes and see him suffering from it. It was the moment that pushed you over the edge, two tears finally spilling down your cheeks. 

“Then why?” Your voice broke slightly. “If you can feel this too then, I don’t understand… Why?” 

“Because I don’t fucking know what I’m doing,” Levi ran a hand through his hair, muttering an exasperated curse. “It’s not that I don’t want to kiss you. Fuck, I’ve wanted to kiss you for so fucking long but I don’t– shit. I don’t know if I’d– I can’t– Fuck.” 

You almost wanted to leave. You almost wanted to turn around and leave this conversation, and him, behind. You didn’t want to stand here in pain anymore. “Levi…”

“This fucking bond. It’s– I don’t know, it’s fucking done something. I just– I can’t fucking stop myself. I can’t stop myself when it comes to you. And I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself there either. I just fucking can’t, and I need to know you… want this, before anything happens.” 

You both fell silent. You, processing what he’d just said, and Levi, waiting in throat-constricting anticipation. 

“So… you didn’t want to kiss me because you were afraid of getting hard in front of everyone?” You asked, the slight wry mischief in your tone shining through the heartache. 

Levi sighed in embarrassed relief. “Somethin’ like that.” He muttered, unable to meet your gaze. Until your soft hand on the side of his cheek guided him back to your gentle visage.

“Do you see me pulling back?” You questioned quietly, and Levi swallowed hard. You’d used his words against him, and honestly… that was the final straw. Searching your eyes one last time for any semblance of doubt, the moment his search came up empty, Levi closed the gap between you, and pressed his lips to yours. 

Fuck, they were just as soft as he imagined. He felt your release of held breath against his cupid’s bow as you relaxed, your hold on his cheek slackening to your arms draping over his shoulders. It took all of his willpower not to cum in his fucking pants just from kissing you.

You whimpered quietly as his arms snaked around your waist, holding you close. You never thought your first kiss with him would be in the middle of a dark castle hallway, but honestly it was candid enough that you really didn’t mind. You daringly ran your tongue along the seam of his closed mouth, and at his soft groan, something in you locked into place.

It seemed Levi felt it as well, as you both pulled away from each other abruptly, eyes wide in hungry awe. Arousal thundered through your veins, and all your clothes suddenly felt suffocating. You stared at each other for what felt like far too long…

Before Levi tugged you back against him, and borderline attacked your mouth. Roaming hands slid from your back to your ass, gripping tightly as he hoisted you up against the wall, tugging your thighs around his hips. Levi moaned against your lips as you opened your mouth, allowing for him to taste you, and for you to taste him. 

He doesn’t know why he expected anything else. Of course you tasted sweet, you tasted like fucking strawberries. He didn’t know if it was the bond making your taste like his favourite goddamn fruit, but he honestly couldn’t have cared less at this moment. He just wanted to taste you. To feel you. Fuck, he just wanted you.

You tightened your legs around his hips, sucking on his tongue as you ground your dampening cunt against his growing arousal, dragging a cracked whine from his throat. Your hands yanked against his cravat, loosening it around his neck and not bothering to take it off before you borderline ripped the first few buttons open on his shirt. You’d never felt this kind of desperation before, never felt this insatiable hunger for somebody else’s body before. But you sure as shit could get used to it.

You’d barely managed to expose his collar before your lips were against his neck, suckling sweet bruises into his pale skin, only barely having the mind to leave them below his shirt’s neckline. You felt his grunting against your tongue as you left a trail of saliva along the side of his throat.

Levi could do nothing but pant into your hair and pulse his hips into the apex of your thighs, eyes rolling as your teeth scraped against his pulse point. He almost told you to suckle there, but he had the same thought. He didn’t want you to leave marks where they could be seen. Your soft lips travelled up to his ear, nibbling and nipping against the flesh of his helix, your breath hot and damp. He wanted to turn the tides, but he was completely helpless to your assault, bucking into you as your nails scratched against the fuzz of his undercut.

You felt the tingles in your own hair, the bites on your own body as you skipped back down to his collarbone, biting harshly against his skin and watching in satisfaction as the blood rushed to the surface, colouring the patch a dark purple. You went to make another, before being harshly shoved back by your dishevelled looking partner. A gorgeous rouge had spread across his cheeks and down his neck, his hair mussed from your groping as his heated glare shot straight to your soaking core.

“My turn.” Was all he hissed, before his mouth devoured the valley between your neck and your shoulder. You felt him shiver as his teeth sank into your flesh tongue soothing the hurt before moving an inch down and repeating the same action. His hands were rough in removing any clothing obstacles from his path, the neckline of your t-shirt cracking as it was stretched beyond its shape, before snapping completely.

“Fuck, Levi…” That was his name you were moaning. His name you were whimpering as he trailed kisses down the valley of your breasts. Your head fell back against the wall, hands returning to his hair to grab and paw at. Levi groaned against you, mouth occupied with suckling blossoms into your skin before you unhooked your legs from around his hips.

He understood the message, gently setting you down on your feet, but he kept his hands around you, still holding your waist as his nipping mouth travelled back up the side of your neck to leave a lingering kiss against your lips. Pulling back a fraction, you panted heavily against each other, mouths barely grazing. You were the first to speak.

“I really don’t want to fuck you in a hallway, Levi, but I fucking swear if we don’t move somehwere else I will suck you dry here and now.” 

Levi felt his cock pulse desperately at the husk in your voice, the temptation in your ‘threat’ messing with his arousal-clouded head.

“As tempting as option B is…” he didn’t finish his sentence before picking you back up in his arms, your legs now wrapping around his abdomen instinctually. “I want to take you to bed.” 

The smile you gave him cut through the heady heat in his mind, the way your eyes lit up and sparkled in the flickering torchlight, the corners of your mouth pulling up into a dazzling beam. Levi always found you attractive, but the woman he was gazing at now was positively ethereal. Haloed by orange light, he brushed messy, loose strands of hair from your face, supporting you in his hold with one arm. 

“You’re so pretty,” he murmured almost absently, eyes tracing the way gentle pink slowly saturated your cheeks. You really were gorgeous to him. Complete perfection. Your lack of response had him grinning slightly, knowing he’d flustered you. He made a mental note to tell you how beautiful you were everyday, before you hid yourself in the crook of his neck, paying him back by softly teasing against an unknown sensitive spot just behind his ear.

Levi felt you shiver in his arms as he carried you down the hall, knees weakening with each kitten lick of your tongue against his skin. His straining cock throbbed with each step, begging for something, anything, to relieve the heated throbbing that had accumulated between his thighs. Briefs and pants rubbing uncomfortably against his sensitive tip, and with your teeth scraping down his neck, it was all he could do to just keep walking, teeth grit against the primal urge to set you down and let you have your way with him. But Levi swallowed his pride.

“P-please, I can’t– fuck, just s-stop for a moment, because at this rate we’re not going to make it somewhere quiet.” You chuckled darkly at his use of the word ‘we’, but acquiesced nonetheless. Levi huffed a relieved breath, thankful for the slow in pace, before shouldering open the nearest bedroom door. He knew you weren’t exactly happy with him for the spring clean yesterday afternoon, but he couldn’t be more grateful that all the rooms had fresh, new sheets and bedwear. 

Levi kicked the door closed behind him, setting you down for the second time. Your feet touched the ground for all of one moment before you pushed him up against the door, mouth latching back against the spot on his neck that made him ask you to stop. But this time, no such request came your way. Nimble fingers popped open the remaining buttons of his shirt, revealing his chiselled torso and marble cut abs. Shoving back the fabric of both his jacket and shirt, you set your mouth lower on his chest, leaving fresh maroon marks against his pale skin with your teeth. 

Shuddering, Levi let his shirt and jacket drop to the floor, for once not caring about how messy it would look, and your hands instantly slid up his front, ghosting over his naval. He cracked a soft whimper at your attention, squirming slightly as you mouthed closer to his nipple. You looked up at his expression wryly, lips still attached to his chest, before enveloping his pebbled sensitivity in your mouth. 

You moaned slightly in response to his airy cry, your own arousal spiking as you felt his pleasure. Levi’s back arched, pushing his chest into your mouth, writhing as your tongue flicked over his little bud. His hands threaded through your hair, his scalp tingling in an echo, as you shoved your thigh between his legs. You pulled back to mutter a curse as he started to grind against your leg, clit throbbing in tandem with each rock of his hips. 

You switched sides, showing his other nipple attention whilst you rolled the one abandoned between your thumb and forefinger. Your pitched whines sent shivers down his spine, his soaked cock twitching in response. Levi’s eyes rolled back into his head, hands moving to your waist as he rocked himself against your thigh. With a final harsh suck against his nipple, wrenching another airy yelp from him, you buried your nose in the side of his neck, encouraging his movements by jolting your leg against his clothed length, your cunt throbbing.

“Y-yeah, k-keep doing that, f–ah-aah! Fuck that feels so fucking good ‘Vi.” You moaned in his ear, feeling his grip on your waist tighten at your words.

“You can–nghaah! Y-you feel that?” he stuttered, barely able to form a sentence, the friction becoming too much to handle. You tugged on his hair in response, his eyes flying open, draw dropping with an embarrassingly loud groan. 

“Yeah, yeah I c-can feel it,” you nodded erratically, feeling the thrusts of his hips increase to a desperate, sloppy rhythm. You felt the build of his high in your own approaching orgasm. You weren’t even being stimulated directly and yet you were going to cum. Hard. 

Bliss bubbled in his loins, a feeling he now recognised. Fuck he was getting close, so so fucking close. He swore if this stopped like the first time he would genuinely break down crying. It clicked just as you leaned into his ear. 

“Make us cum, Levi.”

Clenching his teeth did nothing against the plethora of strangled moans he let loose upon reaching his high. Levi shuddered hard as his pleasure crested into bliss, his head lightly thumping against the door, cumming in his pants. Losing control of his hips, you just managed to take over through your own shaking euphoria, whining softly into his ear with your leg still grinding against his twitching length, head pulsing dribbling seed from his sensitive tip, drenching the front of his briefs. 

You cunt clenched around nothing when you felt his orgasm as your own. Honey laced your blood as you buried your head in his neck, riding out your simultaneous peaks. Your high pitched whisper of his name had him growling yours in response, arms coming up to hold you close to him. 

Levi shivered as he came down from his high, though his cock still throbbed desperately. He needed you. He needed to feel you, to be inside you. But through the slightly cleared arousal, he managed to form some kind of thought.

“That was you…” he strained, still holding you tight against him.

“What was me?”

“I could feel you. Shit, I could feel you fuck yourself… Walls, you’re insatiable. Twice? Really? I had to leave that fucking meeting because of you. Sh-shit that’s… that’s so–” Levi cut himself off with a soft groan as you pulled your thigh away from his crotch. You would have felt guilty, had you not just paid him back. Not only that, but he must have cum twice that day as well. 

You started to suckle on his neck again, finding it almost impossible to attach your lips to a patch of skin without a hickey. “That was entirely your fault. And you’re also guilty, Mister ‘I jerked off last night,’” you murmured against him.

“How the fuck were either of those times my fault?” Levi asked dazedly, slowly sliding his jacket from your shoulders, taking the pace down slightly. Now the initial frenzy seemed to have calmed, he wanted to take his time with you, though his raging hard-on protested blindly. 

You smiled slightly at the ghostly touch of his fingers on your skin, goosebumps prickling as he raised your t-shirt up to your midriff, nodding in confirmation after he paused for consent, before raising your arms to help him remove it. You watched his eyes widen slightly, the same expression he made briefly when he knocked on your dorm room door that morning, and you emerged half-clothed. In fact, you were wearing the exact same things as you were now. Your binding and uniform pants. Only missing the loose hanging harness from your hips. Leaning back in, you took his hands and placed them back on your body, brushing your nose against his. “Because you should have just kissed me that day. After poker. I wanted you to. Would have saved us both a lot of trouble,” you smirked against his lips. 

Levi huffed, barely able to focus as he felt your body for the first time. Your skin ignited beneath his touch, and he marvelled at the way your muscles clenched slightly. You were so sensitive, reacting to his fingertips softly grazing up to your breasts, the slightest hint of two peaks pushing through the fabric. Fuck he wanted to take them in his mouth, but all in good time, he reminded himself. He fiddled with the elastic hem of the binding, idly admiring your face. “I wanted to. You were very tempting that night. I liked watching you strip.”

You snorted a laugh, cupping the side of his face with your palm and smoothing the bone of his cheek with your thumb. “I’m kind of glad you didn’t,” Levi raised a brow of confusion, and you pressed a kiss to his swollen lips. “Means this feels so much better.” 

Lifting your arms again, you let him drag your binding up your shoulders, joining the growing pile of clothes on the floor. With your breasts now free, Levi seemed to have stopped working. Mouth slightly agape, he stared wide-eyed at your naked torso, unable to form any kind of thought. His dick felt like it was going to snap in half if it wasn’t freed soon, still stewing in the mess of his previous orgasm.

“Fuck… Fuck! Look at you… Shit you’re just– fuck, you’re fucking gorgeous.” You kept eye contact as you sauntered backwards, hand sliding down his arm to lace your fingers together, leading him further into the room. You bit your lip sensually as you smiled, slowly looking him up and down as you kicked off your boots.

“Wait ‘til you see the rest.” 

Levi crossed with purpose and plunged his mouth back onto yours, no hesitation in the invasion of his tongue. You leapt up into him, letting his arms support and carry you to the bed against the far corner. Without being able to see where he was going, the second his knees hit the edge of the bed, Levi let himself fall forward, his tongue still lapping at the roof of your mouth as the covers and mattress cushion your fall. His wandering hands set fire to your already heated core, desperation spiking when he moved from your mouth down to your jaw, peppering soft little presses down your throat, nipping against your protruding collarbone. 

Hands found soft hair as you laced your fingers in his locks, breath hitching as his rough tongue licked a column up the valley of your breasts, turning his head slightly and biting against the soft flesh of your inner mound. You breathed a whimper, hot breath inching ever closer to your own pebbled sensitivity. Only after quietly begging him, did he finally close his lips over your nipple, sucking against the electric peak. You arched into his touch, feeling the vibrations of his own moaning against your breast.

Levi switched to your other bud, hands ghosting along the hem of your pants, slowly flicking the buckle of your belt free and pinching your zipper between his thumb and forefinger. Not that you could even think to notice with his teeth clamping down on your nipple, tongue flitting over the hardened pebble in apology, before performing the exact same dance. Grinding his hips into the bedspread below, Levi hooked his fingers into your pants, dragging the fabric down your thighs as you raised up slightly to help him. His mouth left your chest, biting a bath down your stomach, over your navel to your pelvis. You kicked off your uniform pants, quivering as only a thin layer of fabric separated your heat from his touch. 

He almost drooled as you opened your legs for him, eyes instantly trained on the darker patch at your apex where your slick had soaked through the fabric. Your breath heaved as he nipped at the sensitive flesh of your inner thighs, huffing a small laugh when he whimpered, having felt it too. 

Your scent invaded his nose as he brushed against your ruined underwear, his cock twitching in anticipation. Inhaling again, his eyes rolled back when his hips bucked into the sheets below, savouring the few moments of arousal charged hesitation, before setting his mouth over that dark patch on the fabric, and sucking hard. 

Your head fell back against the pillows, groaning carnally to the ceiling, his own vibrating against your swollen clit. You heard the scrunching of fabric as he continued to grind into the mattress, your slick bud pulsing along with every thrust. It was strange to feel the sharp echo of a different pleasure, and you wanted so much to explore with him. To see where each part of yourselves resembled the other. For now, all you understood was that when the tip of his cock was stimulated, you felt it in your clit. 

Levi’s tongue poked out to slowly and gently circle over your cunt, pushing the fabric of your underwear further into your soaking hole and watching as your slick saturated through more of the cloth. Fuck that was hot. But he was getting tired of all these layers, specifically on you. Even one was too much. Kissing back up to your hip, he took the hem of your underwear between his teeth, and you almost came at the sight of him dragging them down your thighs with his fucking mouth. You kicked them off the second they were low enough.

Levi swore. And again. And a third time as you parted your legs and exposed your dripping cunt to him, positively glistening in the low light. If he was being honest, he didn’t really know what he was doing. He’d only had one experience previously, and he didn’t even cum during that. But he had the extra help of feeling your own pleasure, knowing roughly that if it felt good for him on his body, it felt better for you on yours. 

Before he could start, however, you sat up and instantly set your hands on his belt. Understanding your urgency, Levi let you remove it for him, grunting as you snapped it from his waist. His heart and cock lurched as you looked at it for a moment too long, clearly contemplating something, before deciding against it and dropping the leather to the floor. He couldn’t say he wasn’t a little relieved. 

Shoving his pants down, he stood to slide them down his legs and kick them off along with his boots. Your breath caught audibly when his rock hard length bobbed against the soaking tent in his briefs. Your teeth sank into your lower lip again as his thumbs hooked under the hem, attempting to stifle your drooling as he pulled his underwear down as well. You swore you came a little at the sight. 

Fuck, he was beautiful. Tip all flushed pink, the same colour as his sore, bitten lips. His shaft pulsating, coated in a shining, thin sheen of his own cum. Your wandering eye spied a delicious looking vein running up the underside, and you ached to run your tongue down it. 

“Come here.” You held your arms out to him, and Levi’s heart doubled in size at the gesture. Though the moment he got close enough, you stopped him from clambering back on the bed with you. Hands against his waist, he let you guide him to stand next to where you were sitting instead. “‘M gonna clean you up, okay?” 

Levi swallowed, nodding slightly as he attempted to steady himself. But the second your hand wrapped around him and your tongue delivered a kitten lick to his tip, all preparations flew out the window. His jaw slacked open with a sharp gasp, barely able to stand the sight of you lying on your front, playing with the head of his cock. He moaned along with you the second your lips puckered around his tip, hands fisting in your hair as the slick muscle of your tongue swept circles over his sensitive slit, watching with slight awe as your hips squirmed into the bed. He made his mind up then not to let you make him cum. He had a feeling the score wasn’t even close to being settled between you two, knowing that you had now made him cum three times, and he’d only made you cum once. 

Your teasing circles grew in circumference, before you flattened your tongue and took him further down your throat, dragging your muscle against that vein you’d seen earlier and drawing a gravelly whimper from his throat. Though you’d promised only to clean him up, you couldn’t help continuing, spurred on by your own stimulation and his carnal noises.

“Fuck… that’s– Y-yeah, ‘s good, so good…!” Levi’s hips bucked as your moaning vibrations echoed in his cock, his hands tightening in your hair. All your senses were consumed with him, his gently salty tang coating your tastebuds, the smell of his cedar soap a cooling balm for your nose as you had to compensate for the loss of your mouth. The feel of him on your tongue, throbbing and pulsing, thigh tensing beneath your hand. You could barely crane your neck up to watch his expression twist and contort in pleasure, eyes two pools of inky black, hair mussed and dishevelled. Fuck he looked so good. You held him in your throat, listening to his broken whines, just about able to squeeze out a whimper of your own as you cunt clenched around nothing. 

“O-off, fuck, st-stop! Don’t wan-nghahaah! Don’t w-wanna cum y-yet!” You relinquished your hold on his shaft, licking up the precum oozing from his tip. Levi panted heavily, his hands loosening their hold in your hair, only to run his fingers through his own. “Fuck, you’re way too good at that…” You grinned wildly, rolling onto your back and once again guiding him by his waist. His thigh brushed the inside of yours as you welcomed him into your hold, hands holding himself up either side of your head. You looked angelic. Hair splayed in a messy halo, lips bitten and raw, chest heaving. The angle looked oddly familiar, and you both smiled at the realisation. 

You took a contented breath. You’d expected a few more nerves when sleeping with Levi for the first time, but nothing had felt more natural or more comfortable before in your life. You felt cared for, worshipped. Loved. The faint echo of another heartbeat synced in your chest, and nothing had felt more right. Your thumb swept across his cheekbone, and you melted when he instantly leant into your touch. It had been far too long since you lips were on his, and Levi seemed to agree, eagerly opening his mouth when you arched up into him

A mixture of his own taste and your natural sweetness greeted him like a warm hearth, his hips rolling into your heat in response. You answered, hand skirting down to take him in your palm, and position him at your aching, needy cunt. Levi pulled back, gazing into your widened pupils. 

“You want this?” He had to ask. He had to have explicit confirmation from you. Bond of no bond, love or just lust, he had to have your verbal consent. He would never be able to live with himself if you regretted anything today. “I don’t know what will happen between us after… I don’t know how far this bond will go, but after this… I don’t think there’s any going back.” You’d honestly never heard such sweeter words. 

“I don’t want to go back. I want to explore this with you, I want to have this with you. I just want you, Levi.” The corners of your eyes crinkled as you smiled up at his expression of slack-jawed awe. 

“Can… Can you say that again?” He asked quietly, unable to take his eyes off you. You pushed his bangs back, cradling his cheek in your palm.

“I just want you.” 

Unable to speak, Levi stooped down and poured all his gratitude and adoration into your mouth, his tongue lapping against yours as he slowly, tenderly pushed the tip of his cock through your folds. You gasped against his lips, clit pounding as you sucked him in. Fuck, you’d barely started and you were already on the edge of an orgasm. You knew Levi felt it too, judging by the way he had to stop to just breathe, burying his head in your neck to try and quiet himself. But his groaning vibrated against your skin. 

Nothing you’d ever experienced had felt this good. The echo of his own pleasure throbbed in your cunt, your walls convulsing against his shaft as he pushed a little further inside, once again having to stop. It was torture of the best kind. Feeling him bob and twitch inside you, his teeth on your shoulder, your nails down his back. You could feel all of it. 

As could he. Which is why Levi could only move so much before his thighs started to shake again. Fuck, he was only halfway inside you and it was already too much. Every micro-movement had his balls pulsing, his tip leaking desperately inside you, essences merging. It was so much and so good. You felt so silky, wrapping around him like that, heat scorching against his sensitive cock. You were so fucking tight, so wet he could almost hear the squelching of every helpless buck of your hips. 

Inhaling a deep breath, Levi bit down harder on your shoulder, taking the leap and fully sheathing himself inside you. Your loud, broken moans danced with each other, your nails digging further into the muscles of his back. Chest heaving, breath heavy, Levi pulled back again to survey how you were doing. No better than him, he saw, though your delighted, slightly delusional smile could light up funerals. 

“Good?” He managed to breath, gritting his teeth against your walls clenching around him. 

You nodded, your sweat slicked hair sticking to your forehead. “Y-yeah, that’s one word for it. Fuck ‘Vi you feel fucking incredible.” Wrapping your legs around his hips, heels pressed into his lower back, you started to grind your cunt against his pelvis.

“Haa-aah! Fuck! Don’t… don’t do that. And st… stop fucking clenching like that! Gonna make me cum t-too soon.” He sounded a lot whinier than he meant to, pleading and begging with you rather than asking you. Your juices gushed at the sound of his cracking voice, his composure torn to shreds. 

You fucking giggled at his desperation laced tone, and he punished you for it with a quick thrust. Your amusement turned instantly to bliss, forcing another pitched gasp from your chest. Of course, he wasn’t unaffected, and Levi learnt pretty quickly that any punishments for you fell back on him tenfold. 

He pulled out a fraction, withdrawing his hips from the crease of your thighs, before pushing back in. It was all he could handle at the moment, these fractional micromovements. He assumed, under normal circumstances, they would do nothing for an ordinary partner. But you seemed just as affected as he was, keeping eye contact whilst he managed to fall into some kind of slow, sensual rhythm. Sweat beaded on his brow, slipping down the side of his head as you leaned up to press your lips against his. It was nothing more than soft contact and an exchange of breath. More than enough.

You followed his lead with pacing, back arching into his thrusts as he started to find himself. Your brows pinched, mouth dropping open with a stuttering whine as he brushed that spot inside you that sent you cross-eyed. What you weren’t expecting, however, was for Levi to suddenly slam his hips against yours, right into that same spot with a shattering cry. If it didn’t feel so good for you, you would have asked if something was wrong. You managed another question instead.

“Wh-where?” You asked. ‘Where do you feel it?’

Levi kept up his sudden change in pace, his balls slapping against the seam of your ass. “Haah, ah, in-inside! I– I don’t kn-aah! F-feels good!” You understood, too incoherent to unpack whatever the fuck that meant. You mewled along with him, eyes rolling into your skull as you became nothing but a ball of ecstacy. 

Keeping a steady rhythm soon became impossible, urgency fueling every buck of his hips, the dragging of your walls down his cock coercing him ever closing to a blinding high. He didn’t know if he would survive, honestly, and somewhere in the back of his mind, he was only vaguely concerned about noise. Only to find that he didn’t really care. Not when you were writhing and squirming beneath him.

The moment your fingertip glazed over your clit, Levi lost all control. Grabbing your wrist, he shoved your hand back above your head, replacing your fingers with his own. His tip throbbed and pulsed in stimulation, and he felt the knot in his gut tighten exponentially.

“Don’t… ngha-haah! Fuck! Don’t stop… ‘Vi, sh-shit, don’t– don’t stop. Feels s-so fucking good.” 

You started whimpering his name over and over again like some kind of mantra, throwing your head back with a cracked scream when he shoved your thighs from around his waist over his shoulders. He was no better with his volume, eyes falling shut as he borderline wailed from the shift of angle, that foreign sensitivity inside him stimulated to the point of numbness. 

Your hands clawed the sheets beside your head, and Levi couldn’t help taking them into his own, threading your fingers together as you approached your highs together. Leaning down, you whimpered as he stretched your legs. 

“I’m yours, Levi.”

The world seemed to fracture for a moment, before knotting back together as he was thrown over the edge by your words. Your mouth dropped open, back bowing to the point of possession as you let the embers of the bond consume you. Pleasure ripped through your veins like a hurricane as you clenched around his pulsating cock. You couldn’t tell if you were screaming, blood pumping too loudly in your ears to hear anything. All you knew was white. All you knew was stars and ecstasy. All you knew was him.

Levi threw his head back, eyes rolling and screwing shut as his hips slammed into your own one final time before he came with a roar of your name. Length twitching and quivering, he released himself into your soft cunt, painting your walls white with each wave of stuttering euphoria. He found himself bucking into your relentlessly, silently begging you to milk him for all he’s worth, your slick heat trapping him in a vice grip. Rope after rope of his seed spilled into your insatiable pussy, his toes curling with the endless crashing of pleasure. 

Levi stayed sheathed inside you, slowly moving your legs down from his shoulders before collapsing into your sweat soaked body. He could hear your heartbeat in your chest, and feel it in his own. Stronger than before. 

You felt both light and heavy at the same time. You felt both lost and found. A dichotomy of emotions roiling in your mind, but there was one thing you could settle on. You felt whole. That echoing thumping in your chest louder than before. Each brush of your fingers against his skin was felt as if it were against your own. Something had made a home in your heart, mind and soul. No, not something. Not just someone. Levi. 

“Do you…?” You were almost afraid to ask if he felt it as well, but when he managed to lift his head from your chest to look you in the eye, and the moment you saw silver slivers line his irises, you knew he did. He felt it too. 

You both whimpered slightly as he finally pulled out, huffing a breath against the salty skin of your neck. Levi’s arms slowly wrapped around your body, turning you both so you were lying on his chest. He honestly just wanted to hold you. Though he’d just been as close to you as one person could possibly get to another, he just wanted to feel you against him. He’d never been so completely overcome with a sense of belonging before. But here, now, lying with you resting against the combined rhythm of your beating hearts, is where he found his home. 

Something shifted down the Ackerman bloodline. A bond had been solidified, another branch from his ancestral tree snapping into place. Levi felt it in his blood, and judging by your searching eyes, you too noticed. 

“You alright?” He asked tenderly, swiping your hair from your brow. You shifted upwards to press a gentle kiss to his lips. 

“More than alright. I like feeling your heart.” He understood what you meant. Though your fingers rested over his chest, he knew you meant his rhythm in your heart. “I just want to know what else this… unlocks? Don’t really know how to describe that, but I just, I can feel you.” You nuzzled into his neck and his hand came to cradle your head. “And I wanna find out where you feel everything. ‘Inside’ wasn’t exactly very descriptive.” You teased, earning yourself a light slap to your side.

“I’ll draw you up a map next time.” Levi’s soul chimed along with your laugh. Should he say it? Would now be a good time? Or were those words too weighty for your first time together? They felt a bit too much, the night already charged with heightened emotion. Did he even need to say it? You most likely felt it anyway, but he knew he would need to say it at some point. More than that, he wanted to say it. Just… not yet.

Levi sighed contently, going to turn onto his side and tuck you safely into his chest, before the slight movement from his legs prompted a small wince. You, of course, noticed it.

“You okay?” His thumb instantly smoothed the crease of worry between your brows.

“‘M fine. I just, I knew I was out of practice, but fuck my thighs burn.” Your brows furrowed in brief confusion, before softening in instant realisation. 

“Oh, that’s actually probably mine. You’re not the only one out of practice.”

“You feel like this every time?”

“Not every time. Only the times when my partner decides to fucking bend me in half.” You sharply bit at his nose and he waved you off.

“Tch, it felt good, didn’t it?” 

“Wait ‘til you feel the cramps of my periods, Levi. This is fucking nothing in comparison.” You cackled as his expression fell to something of genuine fear. He hadn’t even thought about that. “Looks like it’ll be me bringing you soup and tea.” You grinned, your tongue poking out between your teeth. He adored it. 

He shifted again, grunting in discomfort as the pain in your thighs barked in protest. “You’re gonna have to carry me to the shower. I can’t move.” You cackled again, and Levi thought that if he died now, he would be happy.

“If I'd known I was going to be bound to a two hundred pound man child I would have thought twice. Carry yourself.” You attempted to shove him but he only made himself heavier, now having shifted back on top of you.

“No, you wouldn’t have. You are bound to a two hundred pound man-child. And this man-child is in pain. Where’s your compassion?” 

“In my cunt along with your leaking cum.”

“Fucking Walls you can’t just casually say shit like that!” Levi felt the vibrations of your laughter in his chest, melting further into your embrace when your hands gently sifted through his hair, scratching lightly against the fuzz of his undercut. “Don’t do that either, we need to clean up.” He mumbled sleepily into your skin. Naturally, you didn’t stop, feeling the pull of sleep on your own lids. 

“We can doze for a few minutes…” You mumbled into his hair as he wrapped his arms around your middle once again, and turned you on your side, this time his head tucked into your chest.

“Fine… but don’t fall asleep on me.” 

“Would I ever?”

It took all of two minutes, before you were both out like a candle in the wind.

#levi fanfiction #attack on titan #levi ackerman x reader smut #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader smut #levi ackerman x you #levi x reader #levi ackerman smut #levi ackerman #levi x y/n #levi ackerman x y/n smut #aot levi #captain levi #levi attack on titan #levi smut #levi aot #snk levi #snk fanfiction #snk smut #aot fanfiction #aot smut #aot x you #The Ackerbond

[artsyunderstudy]

An ask game for writers to procrastinate working on your WIP(s)

Thanks for tagging me @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @valeffelees @emeryhall @monbons @thewholelemon @whatevertheweather @aristocratic-otter @bookish-bogwitch @orange-peony @shrekgogurt @wellbelesbian @theearlgreymage @ic3-que3n - I definitely shouldn't be procrastinating writing because I'm overdue but I'm a sucker for a good Q&A.

1. 🦈Tell us the name of your/ one of your WIP(s):

I technically have a handful of WIPs I haven't given up on posting but I'm not actively working on. Après la Pluie, le Beau Temps is the one I'm actively working on. I'm in the planning stages with All the Lonely People which is a fic I'm planning to cowrite with @cutestkilla my beloved. Then I have Sober, Water Grey, Close Your Eyes, and A Mild Case of Madness (yes I haven't given up on AMCOM I was actually thinking I'd try and finish it up after I'm done posting Après)

I don't actually work on more than one fic at a time but I also had like a flood of ideas once I was done writing Someone Wicked and that's why the pile of WIPs. Also I was trying to do discovery writing and realized that I hate it.

2. 🍄Describe your WIP/one of your WIP(s) in the format of “___ + ___ =___”

Why is this so hard???

Okay. Um.

Roommates who (pretend to) hate each other + alcohol induced vulnerability = publicly getting off with each other on a stranger's couch in the middle of a rager, probably to the dulcet sounds of goosebumps by travis scott.

3. 🌍What tags or warnings will one of your WIP(s) need if you intend to share it?

Amazingly my current WIP doesn't really require much bracing. But I am still intending very much to complete Sober (working title) which I talked a lot about last year. That would come with warnings for grief, alcohol and sexual assault. Which makes it sound so much worse than it is, but then again I always think that my writing isnt actually that sad but then i have people telling me i ripped their heart out of their chest and chewed on it so im not a good judge of that. i will say it definitely has more jokes than my usual fare.

4. 🧭An alternative title to one of your WIP(s)?

I am very decisive when it comes to titles, so I genuinely cant think of anything. I guess Sober, because I'm not sure that's the right title for the fic because it's not about addiction. It's about drunken hookups (and like, definitely some alcohol as a coping mechanism but like, mostly just uni students partying and going too hard as they are wont to do) so I was thinking of making it longer like "Kiss Me When You're Sober" but I dunno. It's not even close to done so I don't have to decide yet.

5. ⚠️Which WIP you're most likely to finish or update next?

Après la Pluie, le Beau Temps is the fic I'm actively working on and I'm going to post this guy next come hell or high water. It's just taking me a while, I'm a bit burnt out. But things they will come.

6. 💾What is your document of your WIP/ a WIP called? (not the stories actual title but what you’ve saved it as)

All my documents are the fic titles so nothing really fun there.

7. 🖍Post Any sentence(s) from your WIP.

“If you’re going to do this, do you actually trust him? After everything he’s done to you. Everything you’ve done to each other.” I sigh. “I don’t know.”  All the things I’ve always believed I hated about him feel different now, filtered through a new lens. His relentlessness, his sharp edges, his poise. The way he moves across the pitch, and plays his violin, sweet-toned and sorrowful. The singe of his magick.  “I just … see him,” I say quietly. “And I know I want him. The way I’m supposed to.”

8. ♻️A scrapped idea for your current WIP.

I don't know, I don't think I've scrapped any ideas for this WIP yet? Actually, I think earlier on in the planning I had wanted to have Niall and Dev being absolutely gross with their PDA through the whole thing, but I ended up writing a completely different side-story for them that's genuinely a ton better. Basically, they were a gag, and now they have an actual arc.

9. 🤔What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

Gonna mirror Dre here, we have been planning a fic to cowrite but we both have other fanfic obligations to fulfill first, so it's a little bit on the backburner until we are both freed up. Again, to parrot her, it's a canonverse AU based on a movie we both adore, older (late 30's) strangers to lovers, a ghost story but in a cathartic way, not a scary way, developing relationship. We have a shared trello and I can't help but daydream about it. I am so very very eager to start working on it in earnest.

10. 🤡How many WIPS are you actively working on?

One, actively. Two if you count the fic with Dre which we occasionally can't help but get into long discussions about.

11. 🛠Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

I am currently writing a genre I've never written before which has just been a little daunting. As well as this first chapter has zero simon or baz, probably, and THAT is hard too. But it has to be that way. For the setup. It just means I'm having to learn how to write a lot of side characters in a way I haven't done before, like Niamh and Niall (since i have a bit of experience with agatha and dev)

12. ❤️Not a question, just a second Kudos to send.

Everyone deserves so many many kudos.

Tags! @hushed-chorus @run-for-chamo-miles @j-nipper-95 @noblecorgi @facewithoutheart and @stitchyqueer <3

#tag game #artsyfic

[literary-illuminati]

Book Review 40 – Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin

Okay, 40th book of the year! And yes I’m going to be smug about that, no matter how pathetically it pales in comparison to some of the rest of you. To commemorate the occasion I decided to acquire some actual Culture of the kind I can talk about reading to older relatives and have them nod approvingly. I’d say I wish this had been assigned in some English class I took, but honestly I’d have just ended up skimming and using sparknotes and generally ruined it for myself.

Baldwin, as it turns out, really does live up to the hype. This book was absolutely sublime. I feel like it’s going to be impossible to be fair to whatever I read next.

The book follows David, an American expat in late ‘50s Paris. Specifically, a queer man with truly apocalyptic levels of internalized homophobia and lack of self-awareness spending his late 20s valiantly pretending not to be gay while contriving every possible excuse not to go back to his father and the rest of his life in America. The book takes place while his girlfriend is taking an extended vacation in Spain deciding whether she wants to marry him, and he meets Giovanni, a gorgeous Italian man who’d left his village and ended up in Paris under unclear circumstance, while he’s working at a gay bar David views with visceral contempt even as he visits it. They have a passionate romance, and unsurprisingly it all falls apart in a mess of a tragedy that ruins just about everyone involved (Giovanni most of all).

This was the most beautiful thing I’ve read all year. I’m not even sure it’s particularly close. Every single page had a line or two of incidental narration or dialogue that struck me enough to want to save it – I’d given up trying to note them all by the end of the first chapter. The narration has the sort of elevated, literary quality where everyone is two or three times more eloquent and articulate than they really should be, but when the things they say are so lovely it’s hard to mind that minor offence against verisimilitude – the constant peppering of French into everyone’s dialogue is honestly much more of an annoyance, if only because it keeps making me wonder what language all the other dialogue among these French Parisians is supposed to be in. The exact details of their speech (and tendency to monologue about the details of their psychology) aside, just about every character felt really, achingly real, all broken by the world in one way or another and dealing with it with whatever self-destructive coping mechanisms they have to call their own. Insert your favourite Richard Silken quote here.

Tangentially to the actual content of the book; I of course know Baldwin was one of the canonical Great Authors of the 20th century (I knew this before I knew literally any other fact about him), but my god does the edition I have of the book lay it on thick. There’s a 17-page forward that seemed to be an incredibly dryly written English essay talking about his influences and the role of Paris in American literature and etc (I skimmed the first few pages and skipped the rest, as is my habit with forwards by people who had nothing to do with actually creating the book and whose name I don’t recognize), followed by several more pages of a timeline of the authors life. I swear it’s like they’re trying to make reading this seem as much like homework as possible.

Even more tangentially; I was aware that Baldwin was gay, before reading this, and more vaguely aware that some of his work explored this. But I was expecting more, like, Great Gatsby-plus levels of subtext, not just explicit and unsanitized portrayals being the focus of the entire book. That came out in ‘59! Not exactly an obscure or reviled one either. I feel like I could go back and retroactively give myself permission to sneer and roll my eyes at a lot of ‘grounbreaking queer representation’ now. (This is a sign I have spent altogether too much of my life reading discourse on tumblr and tiwtter).

Trying to talk about the themes of Giovanni’s Room is probably just wasted effort – spend five minutes and I’m sure you can find an extensively researched essay by someone whose devoted years of their life to the subject. But it did really strike me how, like, fundamentally inegalitarian the book’s vision of romance is? Aside from David and Giovanni themselves I mean (and even then, David’s internalized homophobia expressed itself in large part through a terror and resentment of being made the woman (domestic homemaker) to Giovanni’s man (breadwinner)). David and Hella’s relationship is just drowning in ‘50s patriarchy, of course, with the future they sketch out for themselves both baldly hierarchical and just incredibly bleak, and David’s parents and upbringing aren’t exactly inspirational reading either. But Paris’ gay underground isn’t exactly portrayed as a liberated and welcoming space – it’s disgusting older men blatantly exploiting and being exploited by desperate younger ones, everyone involved pretending they don’t know what they’re doing and hating themselves and each other for it. All just incredibly unsentimental and anti-romantic.

David as a character and as a narrator really was fascinating, too. In that he’s such a fucking mess with zero awareness of his emotions who keeps making everything worse and seems to almost cause as much heartache for everyone around him as he possibly could. If he wasn’t the protagonist he’d be the most loathsome character in the book, or at least close to it. Was great.

Though one thing that really does drive home how historical the setting is is just how coincidental so many social meetings are. The cast is largely a bunch of bohemians and vagabonds and expatriates without real fixed addresses, and so much of their interaction revolves around just happening to run into each other as they frequent some of the same locales. Which, like, yes, that is just how socializing worked for most people until a historical ten minutes ago, but still very alien to me, someone with an electronic correspondence planning and scheduling ~90% of social things I’ve done since I left school.

Anyway yes, this isn’t an easy read – most emotional and heartwrenching thing I’ve read all year by far, and the only thing last year I can really think of that might beat it is the final chapters of The Making of the Atomic Bomb – but it really is a beautiful one. Five stars.

#book review #literature #james baldwin #giovanni's room

[pare1dolia]

[Scarlet Hollow] Reese Kelly and his Paintings

I’ve been thinking a lot about Reese lately.

Potential spoilers under the cut. Also this post is just long, because I like to ramble, especially about art.

Admittedly when I did my first few runs of Scarlet Hollow, I didn’t give much mind to Reese’s room. It’s a space he’s filled with art. Pointedly disturbing artwork, at the very least in the narration of the game, but I’d interpret it in part as him taking this frankly dingy space and making it his. Since it’s basement level, the windows are all narrow and up high. The walls are obviously cinderblock foundation, and I can almost guarantee that the floor’s concrete.

But more recently, I decided to take a closer look at the contents of his paintings. I’m no stranger to horror art personally-- it’s one of my favorite types of artwork, especially when done in a way that isn’t for shock value.

Now I’ll claim I may have some bias here in interpretation when I say these paintings feel inspired by Francisco Goya, specifically the works that became known as the Black Paintings. They were painted around the walls of his current home, in muted and yellowed colors. Their depictions were disturbing and mysterious in equal measure, especially given the placement of certain pieces in the estate.

I hope you can see the resemblance, especially with the figures appearing to be sleeping near where his bed is placed. Which leads me to my next tidbit: It’s more than likely that Reese utilized the contents of his work as a coping mechanism, or some way to find comfort.

This is nothing new, sure. Art has been used as a coping mechanism for ages, and given what we know of Reese’s upbringing, it feels only natural that this would be the mechanism he’s drawn to. To quote a comment I’d seen on a series of horror paintings: “He’s fine. This is how he’s healing.”

Also, in Episode 4, when the paintings come to life they seem to act in a protective measure. It’s another layer of coping-- a protective system, a way for him to have control over an uncontrollable situation.

But maybe I’m reading too much into this. I just think his art is neat.

(As an aside, this piece feels particularly noteworthy, given what we’ve seen of Wayne...)

#scarlet hollow #reese kelly #art rambling #kudzu screams #it's just a nice detail #i think it's neat #also this is a stream of consciousness writing please forgive me

[gentaro-kinniecom]

Can I request Shu Itsuki with a fem s/o thats afraid that he's not really in love with her or that he'll fall out of love

༻Out of touch༺

→Characters: Shu Itsuki/fem!reader (use of Y/n and she/her pronouns)

→Cw: teen and up, fighting, making up, yelling, angst (?), happy ending, idk what else to put here help

→A/n: hii! Tysm for requesting <3, this was actually my first request!! I’m sorry I haven’t had the time to post this so i hope you enjoy it :3

Dating Shu Itsuki had it’s perks.

Like him spontaneously gifting Y/n a beautiful dress or anything he decided to make for her at the time. But, one side a lot of people didn’t know, was that he often grew distant of his lover. She would patiently wait for his arrival at late hours with a warm smile and open arms, but he simply greeted her and left to shower and get ready for bed.

Of course, it’s understandable for him to be tired of working relentlessly as an idol and a designer. Even so, that gesture made Y/n rethink everything they’ve been through, some including fights or general disagreements between couples that always ended up the same way: with a hug and apology coming from them both.

At the same time, it wasn’t easy dealing with how Shu felt about Valkyrie’s sudden downfall, he couldn’t think of anything else except the faces of the crowd staring at him in disgust. Y/n tried helping him get out of that depression he felt, but to no avail. It went on as to Shu had yelled at her for dropping something so small as a cup during one of their arguments

“Can’t you do anything right at all?!” Shu yelled in anger as tears prickled her eyes, she stiffened her cries and picked up some shards before Shu had realized what he had done. He tried lending a hand but she just took the broken shards and threw them in the trash by herself. Y/n knew that part of that frustration he felt wasn’t because of what happened, but it still hurt how he yelled at her

During the night, just as Y/n was going to bed, Shu caught her just in time before apologizing deeply and having a conversation about it. He promised things would change for the better, but did it really? In due time, Shu was able to make Valkyrie grow once more with Y/n and Mika’s help, apart from that, it took a long time for him to recover from the trauma on-stage, Y/n however, encouraged him throughout ever little step. It almost felt as if he was using her as a form of coping mechanism from it all.

Even after the war, when the five-eccentrics went on their own separate paths, Shu grew quite distant from Y/n. On their second anniversary, Y/n waited for Shu with a beautiful cake and some flowers for him, until minutes turned into hours and just like that, he had yet again missed another important event in their lives. The next morning was like all those other times where he’d apologized and promised to make it up next time. Y/n had enough and pushed Shu away before speaking

“Do you still love me, Shu? Did you fall for me at first and then decided to treat me as if I didn’t matter to you anymore? I’m your partner, if you truly fell out of love, it’s best if we part ways here” She spoke with tears in her eyes, walking towards the kitchen of their shared apartment as Shu walked behind her.

“Of course I still love you my dear, it’s just that I’ve been so busy and-“ She huffed in both annoyance and irritation, Y/n knew that he had forgotten like usual

“Busy? Even to the lenghts of missing our anniversary for the second time?” Shu sighed, looking at the cup of (beverage of choice) in her hands, the truth was that he had felt like the connection between them got lost in between all the success Valkyrie had had, and he couldn’t dedicate that much time to a relationship anymore. Shu didn’t want to let her go no matter what, even if it meant doing anything just to apologize for all he’s done

“Listen, I know being an Idol is hard work, but I’d appreciate if we went out sometime or spent time together, it doesn’t matter where, just you and me, okay?” He nodded at her words, holding her hand as she smiled softly. Y/n was right, perhaps what they needed was to have a relaxing night out between two lovers

The following week consisted of Shu making time for their relationship, now that Valkyrie was in a small hiatus, he took this chance to travel with Y/n to Paris, showing his beloved the many places he adored and other things like art museums and elegant coffee shops, even kissing under the Eiffel Tower at night, where it shined so brightly under the two “over the moon” lovers.

It all felt like the first time they fell in love. The best thing of the entire trip, was when Shu was able to reserve a spot at one of the most luxurious restaurants and decided to celebrate their (late) anniversary there. It seems like Shu really did his best to make it up for her for all the things he had done and the things she did for him throughout the relationship

In the end, once they returned to Japan and Valkyrie’s hiatus was over, Shu managed to fit in his schedule, whenever he could, a lunch date or anything that allowed them to spend time together

When Y/n’s birthday arrived, he made sure to spend the entire day with her, taking her out on a movie date and a walk around the town, hand in hand as he smiled, making sure to give her an unforgettable birthday. He wanted to let her know how much he changed, and how far he’s willing to go for their love. Shu’s main goals had changed for the woman he so loved, to cherish and protect her, even when times where difficult and after many mistakes, he finally felt at peace beside her

#ensemble stars x reader #ensemble stars #shu itsuki x reader #shu itsuki #sillies #shu itsuki nation real

[lewisshipsthings]

Top Ten (Or So): Bakugou Fanfics

I’m a multipshipper–especially, for some reason, when it comes to Bakugou from My Hero Academia. I just love to see him put in such an awkward and completely-out-of-his-comfort-zone situation like Romance.

So without further ado, here are fanfiction recommendations arranged by Bakugou couple:

(Edit: I added a reading break, because this was a very long post to scroll through on my mobile.)

Bakugou/Iida: Breakneck Speed by chiropterology. This is the fic that made me make this list. Because I never, ever would have considered BakuIida as a ship if I hadn’t read this fic. I thought it would be cool to help others discover the delight of a previously unconsidered ship, and decided to make this list. The story is unfinished, and looks like it never will be finished (the author hasn’t been active at all in more than two years), but for me it was worth it for how hilarious and awesome it was.

Bakugou/Momo: My favourite fic with these two isn’t romantic at all, but still has great interactions between the two of them. I’m not gonna write the whole fic name because it’s extremely long, but it’s You know that thing where an orchestra swaps instruments…? by Sif.

There’s not that many great fics that are romantic out there for this pairing, and the one I like best I actually put in the Poly section below (“Love like a common cold”). But Leaf Water by smol_bird is a sweet little one-shot for these two, and I liked it quite a lot.

Bakugou/Ochako: I used to be into this ship a lot, but not so much anymore. It makes it difficult to recommend fics properly, because I don’t reread them anymore. That said, there is one Kacchako fic I still read whenever it updates, and that’s Seeing Double by knifekirby. This is one of the best (*the* best?) fantasy AU I’ve read (but mixed with the original MHA world! And yes, at one point you get two Bakugous at once). The world building is fantastic, barbarian Bakugou is epic, and the dragons are so awesome. It’s unfinished, but updates keep coming after long breaks, so there’s lots of hope.

A runner up could be A Different Perspective by House_of_Pixels. I quite like mind-sharing and soul-bond type fics, and this is a really cool one of that genre.

Bakugou/Deku: I have the opposite problem as with Ochako here. I’m a big bakudeku shipper, and I’ve read so many and have so many favourites depending on my mood that it’s hard to pick only a couple to recommend. But still, if I had to pick one, I think I’d go with (may the bridges i have burned) light my way back home by Chrome. It’s slow burn (my favourite), and the romance is subtle and difficult. Quite beautiful, in my opinion. It’s unfinished, and I had thought it was going to remain so forever, but it recently updated after a long, long break this year, so there’s hope!

For a one-shot (and thus finished) fic, try Do Not Disturb by surveycorpsjean. I’m a manga reader, and there have been so many developments between Bakugou and Midoriya recently, but the fics haven’t caught up. This story takes place after Ch. 322, and Katsuki is SO in character–caring for Izuku in the way he does in recent manga chapters, while still retaining all his amazing strength and gruffness.

And finally, a runner up: for a long and finished fic that I don’t think is getting nearly enough love, try zero-sum game by roadtripwithlucifer. It’s dark and angsty and adult and there’s lots of sex (one of the tags is “Sex as a Coping Mechanism”), but it’s fantastically written, and man do you get all the feels with this one.

Bakugou/Todoroki: I tend not to seek out todobaku, but will enjoy it if it’s in the bookmarks or works of an author I really like. So I’m not aware of the full breadth of options for this pairing, but there are a few I’ve found that I really enjoy. cruel to be kind by shaekspeares would be the first one I’d recommend. It’s a very long, slow-burn one-shot, and the first section is devoted to Bakugou struggling with PTSD (something I personally really like reading fics about) and has almost no Todoroki at all (an indication of its slow-burn, and a point in its favour for me).

Another would be and even the cake is in tiers by supercrunch, which I also mention in the poly section below. It has multiple endings, one of which is todobaku, and it’s one of the funniest fics on this list.

And finally, as a runner up, I have to recommend A Real Fucking Problem by Ellessey. It has, um… a LOT of masturbation, lol. I read fanfiction more for the romance than the sex (not through lack of horniness, but lack of interest in written word to deal with horniness). But this fic has such good characterization for Bakugou, and is so, so funny, that I don’t even mind the mammoth amounts of sexual content.

Bakugou/Froppy: All the Same Broken Parts by Seeress. There’s not many fics for this ship–it’s quite a rarepair. But I happened on this one, and I'm very glad. It’s so sad (though happy in the end), but I found it quite lovely and excellently written.

Bakugou/Camie: The Freaky Friday sitch! by orphan_account. Like with Momo, my favourite fic with these two isn’t romantic, but it’s hilarious, and these two are a fantastic duo. Bodyswapped Camie in Bakugou’s body is just *chef’s kiss*.

For a runner up that is romantic, you could try our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond (but not because we’re gay) by wonhaebunny. I could actually see it happening something like this in canon, plus there’s a lovely bit of Bakugou & Kirishima friendship on the side.

Bakugou/Kaminari: My favourite BakuKami is actually in a bakudeku fic, Permanent Ink by Maxime. Fortunately, the little bit of BakuKami in that fic was so delightful, that they wrote another pure BakuKami fic, Tango for Two, Electric Boogaloo.

Bakugou/Shinsou: letting it linger by Ramabear. Nosy classmates, early-morning Shinsou staring, demi-sexual Bakugou (my favourite kind of Bakugou). It’s super cute and I really enjoyed it.

Polyamorous: Love like a common cold by supercrunch. My two favourite Bakugou ships, BakuDeku and BakuMomo, with a side splash of Todoroki. It’s a fantastic and very funny bodyswapping fic that you should definitely try out. The same author also wrote and even the cake is in tiers, which has an ending with todobakudeku, and is hilarious.

Gen: I’m always on the lookout for good Gen Bakugou fics, but I find it surprisingly hard to find ones I like. Here’s a couple I really loved:

A Little Demonstration by AnonymousTwit. Bakugou’s epic fights are one of my favourite parts of his character, and this gets at that glorious feeling exactly. It’s like the Joint Training Arc, but *more epic*.

Social Media: 101 by WindsChild8178. If you’re ok with Mistuki being abusive and a whole lot of angst and PTSD for Bakugou, then you really should try this fic. WindsChild is a fantastic writer, and this is one of the few fics that I remember vividly no matter how far between updates. It’s unfinished, but WindsChild puts a lot of work into each chapter, so it tends to be a long time between updates. I still have lots of hope it will be finished.

Note on Bakugou/Jirou: I love this ship, it’s probably in my top 3 Bakugou ships, but I haven’t yet found any fics that really, really stand out–enough to put them on this list, at least. Feel free to recommend one!

Note on Bakugou/Kirishima: My shipping is a mystery even to me, and it always has been. Why do I not like KiriBaku when I like almost every other Bakugou ship under the sun? I have no frickin clue. I have no rational reasons against it–it’s cute and sweet and there’s more canon moments with them than almost anyone else besides Deku. I do not blame anyone for liking this couple, I just happen not to myself, so I have no recs. If you really like kiribaku, feel free to reply with some recs of your own. :)

#Bakugou Katsuki #fanfiction #fanfic recs #fanfiction recommendation #bakudeku #todobaku #bakukami #bakumomo #bakuiida #kacchako #my hero academia #bnha #bnha fanfic #bakucamie #bakushin #bakutsuyu

[misery-has-no-company-now]

Speaking of torturing blorbos, do have any spare angsty NY and/or Loui hc’s :3

(It’s fine if not-)

Why yes, of course I do! 

So I’ve already said that England was a bitch to New York, right? Well, so were the Netherlands. Good old Holland gave Yorkie his abandonment issues by sending him off to England when he didn’t want to “bear the burden of another overseas territory” (his words not mine, kill him not me <3) so decided to leave him with England. The Netherlands is also responsible for his daddy issues thanks to having given up New York to the English in exchange for the Island of Run in eastern Indonesia because he thought it’ll be “worth more” than New York was (true story, the Dutch gave up NY in return for an island where nutmeg could grow - because that was very rare back then apparently) which made New York think that even his father didn’t want him and would willingly give him away the moment he found a good opportunity to do so. The Netherlands is kind of like those parents who decide to have another child because they clearly don't like the one(s) they have right now.

And what does this leave Yorkie with? Why a bunch of issues, of course? *Slaps him with daddy issues + abandonment issues + attachment issues* He often used to feel very upset over the fact that his dad left him, or rather threw him away; and until he had children of his own (I headcannon the cities as either the children or the siblings of the states) and Father’s Day became a different thing and busier for him, he used to cry over the fact that he didn’t have a father since his didn’t want to keep him around and would sooner give him off to someone looking for more child soldiers to have in his army (Englanddd)

Thanks to all this he’s also always extremely scared that if he “messes up” again, then the people who he loves and cares for won’t like him anymore - and he thinks that they will then realise that he’s too much trouble for him so leave him just like the Netherlands did, or worse, hurt him like England did. He also can’t stand a loved one being mad at him for any reason at all, so this makes him a people-pleaser at times (but only to the ones he loves of course, because you know - the Northeast).

And you know how people have flight or freeze responses? Well, firstly I think he’d be a strong freeze in danger type of person; but depending on what the ‘danger’ is I also guess that he’d be the type to fawn - like you know, if the presumed ‘danger’ is something like a loved one being angry at him; in which case he just tries to appease them and often goes over the top in trying to make them happy again, even if they weren’t that mad in the first place. 

And now, for Loui. Oh Loui. Pauvre ti bête, sha. So while it is true that he does see spirits a lot, he is sometimes unable to see if he is imagining/hallucinating them or if they’re actually real, so he’ll hurt himself in some way to try and see which it is. He uses pain to ground himself, kind of like an unhealthy coping mechanism. Often he takes this to extremes and this results in a lot of bleeding wounds, some which cut deep. Trimming his fingernails and keeping him away from sharp objects and all doesn’t really help because sometimes when he gets too emotional, his magic works on its own and hurts him resulting in injuries he cannot heal properly. 

He also feels guilty very easily, even for things which are not necessarily his fault (like if his people did something terrible that he had no say in, he’d still feel like he was to blame for it because it was his people doing it in the first place) despite all the time he spends playing pranks with Florida. Sometimes he picks on these old wounds of his as a ‘reminder’ to himself of what happens when he does something wrong, or just to punish himself without adding further injuries that could hurt other people. 

*slams him with alcoholism as a coping mechanism* (and once again, it’s unhealthy, of course)

He often feels bad about using his magic, especially since Mass and Maine don’t anymore because of the Witch Trials that happened. He saw Mass get persecuted in one of those (and take the brunt of his accidental use of magic in public) once and he lost most of the joy he used to feel in performing magic. He beats himself up over Mass having gotten hurt because of him too, though both Mass and Maine tell him that it’s not his fault. 

Papa France is an ass and both Maine and Maine are geographically far away, though they do often meet with each other, so he sometimes feels a bit lonely and misses talking to someone older in his family who can give him advice and all that when he needs it. But he hangs out with a lot of people so he doesn’t feel this way that much these days. However, earlier when he barely talked to anyone else, he was rather lonely. 

And this one is courtesy of France too. Loue sometimes also feels terrible for, as France claims, “butchering the French language” with his Cajun French, and these taunts of France make it hard for him to be as proud of his culture as he should be - but his friends and family are helping him work on that.

So um...I've got a lot more of these, but that's all for now because I think I should stop here. Let me know if you want more.

#Btw I'm so so sorry for this long wait. #I'm just getting around to answering all the asks I have in my inbox now #welcome to the table #wttt #wttt louisiana #wttt new york #wttt england #wttt france

[the-glorious-evolution-fanart]

About the narrative of Convergence comic

It’s Ekko’s comic first and foremost. It treats him well, it shows us his inner conflicts about wanting to help his parents but struggling with the feeling that he’s imposing his will on others, then he wonders if he imposes on others due to his advantages due to intellect.

There are problems in that narrative too though. He threw away his Z-drive? Okay let’s say he did want to get rid of it, even though he would know how it literally has an ability to give people a second chance to survive fatal incidents. Why would he not dismantle it? Destroy it? Wouldn’t it cross his mind that someone might find it and misuse it? And how did the other kid find it in the end? Nobody knows, and the authors surely don’t know.

The other Lost Kids are annoying. We care about them just because Ekko cares about them, not due to any quality of theirs as characters. They’re there to serve as emotional fodder. Sorry narrative writers, you gotta do better than this. (Also shouldn’t “Lost Kids” be a title for orphans? Oh well it just has a weird vibe)

Now about Viktor, what everyone has been waiting for, staring at this Viktor-centric blog:

Do you like supervillains who are bombastic, convinced of their superiority of whatever kind, very harmful to others, and physically scarred? Congrats, you win another one. New Universe lore treats Viktor as a morally bankrupt character who for some reason believes “free will” is a flaw. It is intentionally written to make him clearly a villain, and then sprinkles in “but he tried to save lives” as a way to make him sympathetic. Guys he’s a villain here, he treats people like cogs.

Yaay let’s go slavery! Mind-controlling slaves to sacrificing themselves for “greater good” is not greater good. People are called heroes if they decide to risk themselves for others by their own will.

This is written a tiny bit naively, but in principle I fully agree Viktor would be willing to collaborate with someone to help him with public relations. A Piltovian as well. Remember, Viktor approached Jayce originally to ask for a collaboration! So, I like this aspect of the comic ^__^

I’m really not a fan of cheap sci-fi vibe of pulling out brains and putting them into mechanical bodies which then go “Beep-boop! We follow orders!” Like what the fuck. Also this fusion of in-game Viktor and Arcane Viktor is giving me the heebie-geebies. No thanks

Dear Riot writers. Either you don’t understand what Viktor is supposed to be about, or you concluded it’s much more profitable with a wider reach to have him be this type of villain.

This frame though... this frame comes dangerously close to the real valuable core of Viktor’s story. To one aspect of it at least. Can you feel it? Can you sense it like I can? His expression is also good here. Him being silent is also good here. There is something about the Evolution he believes in, but doesn’t know how to explain it appropriately. Partially because the Evolution is in big part a response to his trauma. You can’t explain your coping mechanism to random others who haven’t gone through that trauma.

Wide_Viktor.jpeg

It’s a good idea to have Viktor see others misuse his work (again)

For a moment, was excited, I had hope Riot would handle well the dumb Glorious Evolved which they introduced. A religion forming around his work is something Viktor wouldn’t like at all. I don’t like how Riot wrote the zealots as even rotting while trying to replace their bodyparts... It doesn’t go that way!! They would all have been already dead!! But then Riot goes 180 and has Viktor go “yees you opened my eyes to perfection” again to make sure he stays a villain, and encourages MORE mind-controlled slavery and sacrifice.

Do you want to be used like this? If not, then Viktor is a villain here. (I say this because I’ve seen A LOT of relatively new Viktor fans who like him for some other reasons, and then fall into a trap of trying to logic their way out of this evil characterisation. Trust me guys, you don’t have to do that, because you don’t have to justify all writing of a character. Writing is often done by many people in a company, motives change, etc. etc.)

Wide_Viktor2.jpeg

This is literally a Saturday Morning Cartoon. A prosthetic leg isn’t going to be able to mind-control you. The sensitive ones work by picking up signals from nerve endings and dumping back signals onto them for very specific senses of touch/pressure. An amputee using a prosthetic is not going to be mind-controlled guys, please.

Also it’s fucking absurd how new lore treats augments as “Tee-hee, I got my arm replaced for funsies and now I have a robotic claw”, like NO that’s not how these things go!! Call me a killjoy cause I’m listening to MCR!

Let’s go Viktor, atta boy, I’ll kick your ass that’s how much you go on my nerves. And I’m supposed to be your stan?

Ignoring the anatomy, Viktor floating and the complete mismatch of tech style, does Viktor look like a guy trying to merge with other people’s minds? No. Does he look like someone who’d want to be the ruler of that one giant mass of mind-controlled humans? Arguably yes. Boring villain characterization.

Even a child can identify that this is not “perfect” functioning. Anyway, as I said, Saturday morning cartoon and I’m tired now so I’ll end it here. Every other bit of the comic is just repeating what has already been said.

Enjoy the comic for the qualities it has, and I’d say don’t take it as any reference for characterisation or references or whatever.

#ooc #convergence thoughts #relevant for viktor

[anjelicawrites]

Come with us on a little spin II

Part I

Paring: Aemond Targaryen x reader x Osferth. Implied Aemond x Osferth

Synopsis: part II of the request from lovely anon: “what about an aemond x reader x osferth where all 3 decide to do a road trip and the whole time the guys are just loving on reader and giving her TONS of affection” 

Warnings: reference to sexy times but SFW overall. Small medical emergency, if this triggers you.

Your first weekend out on the van had been a success. The three of you went to the beach and basked in each other's company. Granted, you had to chase after Osferth in order to put sunscreen on his pale skin every three hours, he already has so many moles and likes to roast himself in the sun, that you are truly afraid he might get an erythema. Aemond, on the contrary, thinks a tan is for peasants and is always happy to chase Osferth and keep him still until you have covered him in sunscreen. You might have shocked the families on the beach, by kissing one another every giving moment or being dogpiled over one another or due to the collar Aemond wears proudly around is neck; yes, people had stared at the three of you strangely, but you just ignored them and relaxed the hellish year you had lived away.

It’s July now and you are traveling for the whole month. You are finally free from the Whatsapp chats for school, you have purposely left your last pack of cigarettes at home and are ready to spend the month visiting cities, reading books and making love to your two men. Aemond is visibly relaxed, hairs up in a complicated style to show off the leather collar around his neck. He has tried many times to put into words how much better he feels when he snaps the latch close as soon as he is at home, but he fails every time. He wishes he could wear it at work, but he knows his grandfather would use you and Osferth against him as means to control him, and he can’t risk that, you two are the only reason he is keeping it together and will protect you with his life, if needed. He is on holiday now, nobody knows him and can parade around with the symbol of your love without fear; he has even left his work phone at home, to your and Osferth’s surprise and it shows how much tension has left his shoulders and jaw. Aemond loves his family, truly and deeply but sometimes it is all so difficult to manage.

It’s later on your first official night of holiday; since he is the one who picked the shortest straw, Osferth is the one tasked with grocery shopping, while you and Aemond are curled on the bed, legs interweaved together, breaths mingling 

“I’ve missed you” his eyepatch is off and the skin around the sapphire is a bit red. You make a mental note to put some cream on it before he wears it again

“I’ve gone nowhere” you feign ignorance

“This last year. I can’t believe we have let you slip through the cracks for so long”

“But you grasped me at the right time, didn't you?” you smile caressing his hairs

“We should have never taken your strength for granted” he is remorseful. He prides himself to be an attentive lover and he hadn’t noticed how much the stress was gnawing at you

“If anything, I should have asked for your help way sooner. I am still so used in dealing with my problems alone, when I have two wonderful men by my side” you sigh and Aemond just holds you closer, your head under his chin, your arms around his torso

“That will not happen again” he promises, wishing there was a way to keep you safe from all the stress and negativity of your life

“I know - you kiss the hollow of his throat, right under the leather of the collar - Will you do the same? Ask for our help in your time of need?” he stiffens for a second but his arms are still caging you. 

He is doing so much better, he has grown so much from the lonely young men you had met, but the unhealthy coping mechanisms are difficult to let go; it is so hard to learn to ask for help when no one has ever taught you how to, even when you have two people in your life who have shown you time and time again that they are there for you. 

“I’ll try - his hands are drawing nonsensical shapes on your back - I can’t promise I will every single time, but I want to”.

You move so that you can kiss his lips, it’s chaste and you don’t want it to go any further, not when you feel he has something else to say

“The therapist says I am improving in that regard - he is so proud of himself, when he had started he was ashamed he had to confide in a paid specialist - he says I am closer to my goal than I think I am. I hope he is right”

“I believe he is. I am so proud of the work you are doing on yourself. I’ll help you in any way I can” you hug him tight, you legs around his waist to try and mold yourself against him

“Avy jorrāelan. Will you make love to me? Slow and gentle?” he asks, while he turns on his back, so that you can straddle him

“Yes” you kiss him slowly and thoroughly. When you come up for air, you remove his t-shirt you are wearing, leaving you in all your naked glory, the sight is akin to a punch in the stomach for him, even now, after all this time

                                                         ***

It’s almost noon and you are sitting on the grass in front of the museum. The three of you have been walking for the whole morning and you are feeling the tiredness sinking in your legs. Your job is sedentary and even though your boys make you do loads of cardio, you have overestimated your stamina and are in need of food and rest, until it’s your turn for the visit. 

“Are you feeling a bit better?” you can feel Osferth’s concern while you finish the bottle of water

“Yeah. I’ve asked too much from myself” you let your back collide with the trunk of a three as Osferth removes your hiking boots

“You should have used the sandals. It’s far too hot for these” he says while he pats your sweaty, hot face with a wet paper handkerchief

“Remind me tomorrow” you try to smile, but you feel too hot.

For all your concerns about Osferth getting erythema, it’s only fitting that you have managed to overheat yourself to this point. Aemond is on a mission to find some ice, while Osferth is trying to hydrate you and to keep you under as much shade as he can. He delicately removes the backpack from your shoulders and helps you roll the short sleeves and the hem of his T-shirt you are wearing, trying to help you lose steam, your colorful socks go next as you plant your feet on the cool grass

“If you are not feeling any better in a short while, we are going back to the van”

“No - you try to be assertive but it sounds more like a whine - I don’t want to ruin our day!”

“You would ruin it if we are forced to get you to the A&E - his voice is stern, but the way he looks at you is somewhat shy - the stupid museum will be here tomorrow” the way he says it leaves no space for argument.

You lift your hand slowly, every movement is a battle, to caress his smooth cheek and he leans into your sweaty palm, nuzzling like a cat and kissing the skin there. Blindly he reaches for another water bottle and passes it to you, only to stop you when you are almost ready to pour it on your naked tummy, scolding you for your foolishness, but you feel so hot you start whining. He kisses your forehead and grabs another hanky to wet and cool your forehead with. While you drink, Osferth is scanning the crowd looking for Aemond; your temperature is somewhat lower, but you look like hell and he knows you need the A/C from the van. While he sits near you, your head on his shoulder, he calls an Uber and texts Aemond: you are going back and he should hurry with the ice.

That night you sleep in the middle, with Osferth’s arm curled just under your breasts, so that he can feel your rib cage moving, and Aemond’s head right over your heart. 

                                                           ***

After you disastrous outing in the city, the boys have changed the plans and have opted to go up in the mountains, waiting for the temperatures to drop a bit (apparently there’s going to be a couple of weeks of rain at the end of the month) so that you three can explore the wilderness and you are in no risk of overheating again.

It’s awfully early in the morning, but Osferth is already awake. You are not against an early start yourself, but it is dangerous to talk to you before your breakfast. Aemond is still dead to the world: he has passed part of the night awake, just listening to your heartbeat and afraid you would be sick again. When you try to uncurl yourself from him, he hugs you even tighter. 

You see Osferth’s head pop from the stairs landing to the bed

“Good morning lady - he smiles - breakfast is ready”

“I am in no position to move,” you whisper. Even though you stomach is grumbling, you don’t want to wake Aemond

“Don’t go anywhere” and he disappears, as if you have a choice.

You resign yourself to starving to death, when a tray appears at the end of the bed, followed by another and then Osferth’s lovely face and smile. He pushes the trays where they are not in his way and crawls to you side

“How are you feeling?”

“Better. I really don’t know what happened yesterday”

“You pushed yourself too hard, as usual - his hand caresses you brow lovingly - I should have seen that coming and stopped you”

“You are not the boss of me Osferth” 

“I am, sometimes - his smile is the cute mix of swagger and shyness that had you fallen for him long ago - You love it, I love it, Aemond loves it”

“Aemond is more subby than I’ll ever be. I seem to be recalling all the times you begged prettily for me, Osferth and called me ‘Mistress’. I should probably remind you” your hand travels around his neck and squeeze lightly; the mood is broken by your stomach rumbling loudly

“Let me feed you, mistress - he rumbles low in his throat, the vibrations travel down your arm straight to your clit - and then we can discuss who is bossing who”.

You try to adjust yourself in a more comfortable position to eat, without dislodging Aemond from his sleeping position. You try to grab some of the toast but Osferth lovingly takes your hand, kisses your palm and starts feeding you small bites; there’s fruit too and pancakes with chocolate syrup. You jokingly smear some cream on his lips and motion him to come closer to lick the chocolate from his lips and he kisses you, morning breath be damned, you deepen the kiss, your tongue sliding against his as he hums in pleasure while your hand grasps his hairs to keep him in place, right where you want him. 

Osferth’s eyes are glassy when he emerges from the kiss

“I think you can do all the bossing you want” he says, dazed

“She’d do it anyway”  you hear from you stomach area

“Good morning Aemond. Slept well?” you ask as he rolls on his back and stretches; your eyes immediately are glued to the small stretch of skin emerging from his boxer shorts

“How are you feeling?” you can see the concern in his eye

“Better. Still a bit dazed maybe, but my core temperature is absolutely fine” you say, positioning your back against Osferth’s chest and signaling for Aemond to come closer. 

You end up feeding one another food, chocolate spills on naked chests by ‘mistake’ and is promptly licked away; what was supposed to be a quick breakfast in bed turns into a long lovemaking session, until the three of you are too sweaty and tired to continue. You three fall asleep again, dogpiled on one another, even Osferth who had, more than once, functioned on three hours of sleep, a cup of coffee and a prayer, happily snores with his head on your tummy; his concerns for you yesterday and the fact that had slept a grand total of two hours, have gnawed at his stamina more than he had thought.

You wake up almost at noon, both your lovers are awake, you can hear them pottering about; before covering you with the soft sheet, one of them has dressed you in Aemond’s old, tattered college t-shirt you use to sleep and cleaned the mess between your legs. 

You slowly climb down the ladder, still feeling a bit dizzy from yesterday and the lovemaking,   the chilling of the air makes goosebumps appear on the naked skin of your legs; as you exit the van, you are welcomed by the view of beautiful mountains 

“Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore” you smile to your lovely boyfriends

“Slight change of plans gevie. We’re bunking here until the air chills a bit”

“I see that” they have organized the space outside the van so that you can eat and lounge there.

Out of nowhere Osferth just grabs you and carries you bridal style to one of the deck chairs, deaf to your screeches that he’ll hurt his back. After he has positioned you there he just stares at you, proud of his work

“You know I can walk, right?”

“You almost gave us a heart attack lady. You are not moving a finger until you are truly feeling better”

“I need to shower Osferth, are you going to follow me there?” his resolve crumbles a bit as he pouts. The bathroom is so small that you are forced to use it taking turns, Osferth even prefers to shower outside the van when you are not around people. 

“I can carry you there and wait patiently until you are done”

“You won’t be able to keep your hands for yourself and we’ll make a mess everywhere”

“I will not. I have an ironclad will” this statement is met by a snicker from Aemond

“If memory serves me well, you lasted a couple of hours when you bet you could resist our lovely dāria’s offers” your heart does a little spin when Aemond calls you ‘queen’

“I can manage, I promise” you reassure them

“Are you sure you are truly better?” Osferth kneels by your side, concern all over his face

“Yes, I promise I am feeling stronger and I am famished, which is always a good sign” you delicately bump your head against his. 

It hasn’t been such a long time since anyone has been this concerned with your well being, if you consider the past year, but you feel blessed anyhow. Before Aemond and Osferth, you were used to looking after yourself, because no one else did. Somehow you still can’t believe you have managed to land not one, but two boyfriends whose first concern is your health and safety.

Aemond delicately takes your hand and helps you back on your feet, he then stares at you attentively, hunting for signs that you are still unwell; after he is finished he nods to himself, releases a soft "hmm" of approval and declares you fit for a shower and nothing else. You try to say that you are capable of going on a walk, but your men cage you in, Aemond on the front and Osferth at your back

“Let us take care of you, gevie. Don’t you have tons of books to read?”

“Don’t kinkshame me - you try to sidetrack him, but Aemond is too skilled to fall for that - I do” you have to concede

“Wouldn't it be lovely if you just lie back for some days, just reading and sleeping?” Osferth’s voice tickles the sensitive skin of the back of your neck

“Yes, but I want to go with you on a hike! Visit museums and get lost in the city” you pout

“We can always go on hikes and those places will always be there for you. You have pushed yourself hard this last year, you need your strength back”

“Let us serve you gevie dāria. We are yous to command”

“If you keep this up, my head will inflate and explode” you hide your face against Aemond’s neck

“We’ll never let anything happen to you - you can feel the remorse in Osferth’s voice - you will accept our compliments like a good girl”

“I will, I will” you smile, trying to untangle yourself from your two lovers, who just keep you there, safe in their arms.

The shower is quick, your legs feeling strong as your head is clear; you spot both your lovers waiting for you to finish, they are ready to dry you with long, slow motions of their big hands and you think they might be go for another round, but they just need the closeness that comes with taking care of you. They dress you in one of Aemond’s gray T-shirts and Osferth’s hoodies; unfortunately you can’t wear any of their bottoms, due to their ridiculous trim waists if compared to yours, but the sight of you partially dressed in their clothes is enough to sate their need to know you are safe with them.

The late lunch is uneventful, and you race Osferth to the small kitchen sink to do the dishes; you have your hands in the lukewarm water, when you feel his strong body behind yours. He puts his hands in the water, removes yours, dries them and then starts the washing; when you try to help he just tells you no, but doesn’t let you go anywhere, so you are left with turning around to hug him, your head under his chin. He doesn’t speak, but you can feel the lines of tension still in his muscles; your Osferth is a warrior and a protector, who is still blaming himself for not having seen the amount of stress you have been put under during the year and for not noticing how much you body is still trying to cope

“I love you Os, thank you for all you are doing for me, for keeping me safe when I wasn’t - he stiffens at your words - I know you always do your best, even when you think you don’t or you believe you have failed. You haven’t, you never have and never will”.

His wet hands shoot around your middle and he hugs you tight, you can feel him tremble at your words

“That will not happen again”

“I know you’ll always have my back”.

                                                           ***

The rest of your days are spent between lounging in the sun reading, chasing after Osferth who still tries not to put sunscreen on and going on hikes. You always have the hand of one of your loves in yours, sometimes Osferth would go faster to check that the terrain is easy enough for you and Aemond, but he would always come back ready to be near you.

This last leg of this hike is a bit steep for your own liking so you and Aemond are sitting under a tree, waiting for Osferth to return in order to go back where you came from. You are sitting between Aemond’s legs, his big hands splayed on your tummy, the two of you are just trying to recognize the different types of trees and failing miserably, like the city mice you are. It feels just right to be in his arms like this, as if he was made just for you, your protector who knows you can handle bad things yourself.

You grab your phone and take another selfie with him; your camera roll is basically you and your boys, who are extremely shy when it comes to being photographed and always manage to sport some weird expressions. You have a special folder in your phone for their worst facial expressions; those are the photos tidying you over when they are both away and you feel lonely. Aemond starts perusing said folder and you can hear his soft chuckles; it used to be so rare to hear him laugh with true happiness, but he is starting to do it more with you and Osferth, letting himself go, knowing his walls are not needed with the two of you. You turn and embrace him with all your might as he kisses the crown of your head 

“Avy jorrāelan, issa dāria. I love you my queen, forever” he adds.

***

For once the weather man is right and the city welcomes you with heavy rain and cooler temperatures. The three of you don’t really mind, jumping from one museum to another, your boys always next to you, one with one arm around your waist, the other on your shoulder, while you tell them some unknown facts about a painter, a sculptor or their art pieces. People stare at you but you three don’t mind, just basking in the fact that you can do this together. You manage to snap terrible photos of them, wet like newborn kittens or trying to avoid the rain; you don’t really mind the downpour and your boys have to remind you that you might catch a cold and more than once they have carried you so that you wouldn’t wet your sneakers in the puddles. Your nights are spent in the van, which has a back part that can be used either as storage or a continuation of the living area. You usually put all your pillows and blankets on the floor so that you can just hang there, reading poetry to your lovers while the sky pours rain violently on the area. You don’t feel cold, wrapped up as you are in Aemond’s warmest cardigan, while he is lying down on your legs and Osferth is curled behind you, giving you sips from his tea. 

“Same thing next year?” Aemond says with his face against your tummy

“Minus the heath stroke? Count me in” you answer

“You know we can do this during the winter holidays too, right?” Osferth pipes in

“I’m game” you say

“As long as you don’t freeze”

“I’ll never be able, with you by my side Aemond”.

This is how life should always be, you think: curled up with the men you love, safe in the knowledge of their love, come hell or high water.

#aemond targaryen x reader x osferth #aemond targaryen x y/n x osferth #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen x y/n #aemond targaryen #osferth x reader #osferth x y/n #osferth

[waters-and-the-wilde]

HEY @kyliebyelie I had a weird couplea weeks but I did say I would yell about Nureyev and Vespa some more so *launches enrichment pumpkins*

also OG post thread for anyone who wants context it was just getting a little unwieldy

First off! re: Nureyev still being willing to bet on the hope that Juno would still vouch for him – I’ve also been thinking about how he had to be willing to bet that it wouldn’t backfire on Juno. Like, ‘you have no idea how much I did to keep the Kanagawas off you’. The fact that tying Juno’s name to his own work could have very easily painted a target on him. Even if he couldn’t have known that Buddy and Jet were going to pull a ‘come with me if you want to live’, the fact that he put Juno on their radar suggests that he trusted Buddy to begin with. To not threaten Juno, or to use Juno to threaten Nureyev. Jet talks about how the criminal reputation informs a potential employer that their prospective is reliable, but it also must work in reverse – that a potential boss won’t screw you over.

re: Nureyev being a fan is something I think about A Normal Amount

You’ve absolutely nailed the whole vibe of their communication styles, the chain reaction of politeness/rudeness → perception of emotions and control → measurement of honesty → how that exacerbates the friction, like that is such a good breakdown goddamn.

to add to that since I am constantly frothing like the cappuccino about the concept of 'solid coping mechanisms that backfire in the wrong situations' so for your consideration: one of those pesky little first rules of thieving being 'don’t rise to the bait’. Oh it was intended for Being In Situations with weird rich people or standoffs with other criminals, but when it's his default setting for responding to things, it's just gonna just drive the wedge that much further every time Vespa questions his integrity and he doesn't show where he keeps his Give A Damn. (And it's probably even harder to untangle as a 'no that's for jobs not your personal life' thing when it still has its legitimate applications in his personal life, bc Juno’s own survival reflex MO is ‘how fast can I piss somebody off to find out what I need to know’ and that ability to stay focused and letting him know when that's uncalled for is probably extremely necessary for the both of them)

‘Vespa is terrifying’ – okay so funnily enough! i'd been telling @one-joe-spoopy (pssst hey come look I've got enrichment pumpkins!) about my headcanon of 'ranked order of members of the Carte Blanche crew by how much they scare him and why number one hands down goes to Rita,' which is a whole post in itself but long story short, I think out of everybody he gets the most sense of security around Vespa (though she probably still does terrify him, like, a normal amount and for the exact reasons you described, especially pre/during Man In Glass.)

Basically the concept I’ve been toying with (and I think moreso in a later, probably post-Cyberbots context given some time to settle in) is that her opinion of him is decided and earning her approval under the circumstances is What We Call A Non-Starter. When he's reflexively trying to manage everyone's expectations and invested in their approval, and realizes in no uncertain terms that he can't win Vespa over as long as the name thing is a going concern, the pressure’s off a bit there. Though not in the healthiest of ways, necessarily, if he’s just more comfortable with letting her believe what she wants about him because that’s how he usually deals with people.

And another aspect of this sense of security dovetails with your previous points about how Vespa and Juno are more reactive than performative, how they wear their principles on their sleeves and others recognize them as genuine. I bet Nureyev absolutely knows better than to make the comparison in her earshot, but I can see him just sorta unable to help liking her for the same reasons he’s drawn to Juno – he can brush off a little belligerence from someone whose integrity speaks for itself. Vespa abides by her own codes as well as visibly aligning herself with Buddy’s – she’s pissed about not knowing his name but won’t coerce it out of him even when the requisite leverage is right there – and like you said, she would be insulted by the idea of using underhanded means to get him fired. He knows where he stands and possibly figures that trying too hard to fix it is just going to piss her off further. And it's not like he's gonna stop being dramatic and making his gay little jokes and smooching Juno in the mess hall, he just needs to focus on comporting himself as a reliable crewmember and establishing himself the hard way with time and Buddy's family bonding activities (and yeag he wants to Get A Good Grade In Crewmate which is Normal To Want and Possible To Achieve).

oooh also I’m a little fucked up on the idea of him on bedrest with his broken leg and getting filled in on what he missed during Shadows, realizing that Vespa thinks he’s got it in for her right around the same time he’s having an epiphany that he trusts her to keep him alive and patched up even if she never likes him as a person and that the shapeshifting robot impostors don't stand a chance with her around. like not only is she not the thief she was twenty years ago, she's even tougher and smarter and cooler and doing it all with the brain horrors on top.

ALSO in light of Next Page I now think about ‘hey what if he’s Inherently Suspicious of Medical Personnel due to The Trauma and did he spend a bunch of his broken leg recovery time fretting that she was going to try to wring his name out of him while he was on painkillers only she never does??’ (god there’s this one fic where he and Juno get MacGuffined into kids and she’s like. ‘well shit. yeah I could find it out but goddamn. that’s a line I just can’t cross. Not Looking At It I Do Not See It’)

gah it's just. Nureyev's trust issues are so goddamn multifaceted, like. local baby boy too trusting, gets his only security ripped out from under him, tanks his shot at happiness bc the trauma gave him suspicion, becomes the suavest charlatan in the galaxy so he doesn't get taken advantage of again, craves genuine connection but hasn't actually had a chance in the last two decades to figure out what he's like around other people for any stretch of time, also still literally paying the price for the last time and can hardly bear the thought of confiding in his new connections because there's nowhere truly safe in the galaxy he's terrified of putting a target on them.

But I think about his little 'much more so than usual these days' to Juno's sarcastic 'happy now??' and that maybe he was a lot closer to an honest version of himself on the Carte Blanche. That he was getting places, that he was trusting them with as much as he could. something something 'Peter Ransom' wasn't intended for putting at least half the truth under their noses the whole time but he kinda let it turn into that the moment he let Buddy start calling him Pete.

Handful of miscellaneous thoughts on things they have in common:

- the debts thing. Vespa of all people is the most painfully, intimately aware of what it feels like to have a life that isn't one's own, so the way she approaches Nureyev being in massive scary debt with suspicion made me go huh. so I've been thinking about that one and tbh given how she internalizes shit and doesn't entirely trust herself (and god I have to imagine that she's really messed up about how close she came to killing Buddy in Time Gone By), I think seeing her situation in Nureyev's wouldn't engender sympathy because is that because she also knows exactly what she was prepared to do to get out from under it. and is just expected to tolerate the fact that they're taking their goddamn chances on him. there's this sense of 'even if he cares. even if he thinks this is real. even if he tells himself he wants to be a part of this. who's he gonna be when push comes to shove. probably not even Steel is safe.'

- They are both extremely functional under pressure and in more in their element in full on crisis mode, and are probably spending S3 figuring out what the hell to do now that they have access to things like reliable meals. privacy. affection. (pretty sure Juno is also experiencing a similar kind of 'things... getting better? after being. really bad all the time???' and having a lot of midmorning scuffles about it)

- Also they both have their shitty dads living in their brains rent-free!! and they are never ever going to talk about it but one (1) time Nureyev hears Vespa yell 'shut the hell up old man!' from another room and. sometimes thinks that very hard in her voice when Mag's advice is being unhelpful

re: feral kittens in towels - I want them to get into it that day after Heart of It All where Juno isn't getting out of bed and isn't there to get all protective, and for once she's in a half-decent place brainwise and he's riddled with eight kinds of guilt and half on the edge of a nervous breakdown and having all of his defenses shot is actually a good thing for him because she's not actually going to do anything with the upper hand except cuss him out a little bit. Like 'I was gonna cut your throat without hesitation yesterday and you're all fine and dandy about being in the wedding party? no shut up I'm not saying you can't. it's whatever. Bud thought it would be nice and I'm not against it. I am saying. the fuck is wrong with you.' hurt can sniff out hurt in-fucking-deed. I am dying inside like the fact that Nureyev himself would prevent any closure we might have gotten between him and the Lighthouse Crew after S4 is very him and also it hurts me and I need to pick it all apart with a seam ripper and see what spills out

likewise it’s hard to picture them ever reaching an actual rapport but I can’t even tell you how many times I pictured the prison break with all of them converging before Clean Break aired, where it’s like finally sunk in that he’s on their side and she goes ‘Ransom watch my goddamn back I need to kiss my wife’

also. does anybody want. some fic? I have some job interview/Man In Glass missing scenes where i am gnawing on this at all times

#vespa ilkay #peter nureyev #i need to give them a tag name now #i have team janus beast for nureyev and rita and team buddy system for juno and rita #OOH #team feral meow meows #thank you for that one they're so pointy and hissy and i wanna smooch their little heads #the penumbra podcast #i love my gay space crimes family #this is so much #thank you for coming to my ted talk