#Im not considering suicide

[errolluck]

I'm tired. Of all of this.

Every fucking day feels like the same, yet it gets heavier. Things get worse, nothing gets better and the few things that gave me security, happiness, where I thought I could escape and be free for some moments, are getting corrupted, forgotten, stained forever, never to be the same refuge they once were.

I'm tired of living sometimes. Of existing on this world.

I know how dying feels; it's calming, the darkness eats you and you feel without worries for the first time in your existance. You know it and that frees you.

But I don't want to die. I'm a coward. I want to continue living on this earth just because I think I can do something in the future, something that will fix everything, something that will give a purporse to everything I've done and lived through.

But we all know that is just a lie to make us feel better, don't we?

Because, at the end of all, do we really matter? What can assure us that?

I'm tired. Too tired.

I want to go somewhere else, but there is nowhere to escape. I want to say that I want to go home, go to the park, go to a forest and be happy. But this is something that will haunt me, haunt me forever and everywhere until the end.

Because you can't escape yourself.

I'm tired...

#I'm not ok right now #my mental health is declining #and everything is getting worse #even the little things that I used to escape reality are rotting #Im just tired #of every single fucking thing that happens #I just wanna curl up and not move at all #Sorry for the vent #but i need to get it out #Im not considering suicide #I don't want to be a weight even after Im gone #and again #i dont want to die #but I just #I just don't want to do this anymore #I don't know what to do #I feel pointless #I think this is just another crisis episode I'm having and I'm going to be fine in some weeks #but I just have to get this out of my chest #I pretend to be ok #to be happy to see if I can truly be happy again #trying to be normal #and ignore everything else that is wrong around me and with me #Sorry again #sorry for the vent #you don't have to worry about me #I don't wanna stress people because I'm not worth it

[piosplayhouse]

Rumors are going around on twitter and weibo that starember might have left the tgcf manhua team omg.. they're unfounded right now but can we get a prayer circle going for hoping that it's true!! 🙏🙏🙏I'm so tired of their consistent racism and orientalism being passed around in the manhua space, people have been raising the alarm on it for literal years now

#for reference because im not sure its common knowledge about the manhua anymore #a brief list of concerns: #has drawn nazi incest art #purposefully drew the banyue people (whose main story relevance is that they attempted to suicide bomb the yong an kingdom) as obviously #islamic-inspired. w the “monstrous general” being the character with the darkest skin #drew hualian au art where xl was extremely pale and small and hc was a giant dark skinned half demon monster #important to note for that last one that in the manhua itself hc is extremely pale like xl. its just in thst one art where his skin was dark #constant orientalist fetishization of xl in a stereotypical hyper sexualized bellydancer costume #arguable whitewashing of feng xin who is canonically tan tho this is somewhat up in the air considering that he is tan in comparison to the #other characters but thats just because all of the other characters are white as paper #i have proof for anyone who wants to see for themselves but its truly damning just how much ppl excuse from them #just bc they have a pretty art style #it sucks tbh #tgcf

[fairiencarnate]

Why did no one tell me that the "chemical imbalance" theory has largely been disproven, that serotonin and dopamine can't cause mental illness on their own? Why have all mental health professionals been pushing this idea as fact? I've always thought the whole BPD diagnosis was bogus, just modern day hysteria slapped onto (mostly) women with complex-PTSD. Almost an official gaslight, like "your trauma wasn't traumatic enough to warrant the PTSD label so we're going to act like your brain is malfunctioning". So I'm not surprised to find all this out.

Can we finally begin a trauma-informed approach toward mainstream mental health shit? Especially mood disorders? Let's not rule chemicals and hormones out entirely, but let's acknowledge that trauma and genes have far stronger ties to mental health.

#obviously genetics are a huge factor too #and socioeconomic status altho i would also consider that under the trauma umbrella?? #im starting to wonder whether my meds were really helping me chemically #or if they were giving a placebo affect bc they affected me physically so much at first #like “this feels intense so they must be legit” #and then the belief carried me through being open to therapy and healing etc #definitely pulled me from the edge of suicide #either way they helped me #i wonder if I'd be ok off them now that its been like 6+ years #NONE OF THIS IS ADVICE BTW #personal #tw medical #chronic depression #chronic anxiety #borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #cptsd

[mumpsetc]

I Clung To You in Hopes We'd Both Drown

#Hfjone #hfjone liam #Hfjone Backpack #Liam Plecak #Hfjone Airy #onehfj #TW Suicide #Consider This a Late Anniversary Drawing Since the Actual Anniversary Was When I Was Workin On Daisy 9 #More Purple Liam! I Like to Work in Sunsetty Palettes for One Art to Emulate the Waiting Room and Since That Removes Green and Blue #From the Palette I Tend to Jump to Purple for Him #Anyways This Was Mostly a Practice to Get Back Into Drawing Again #Every Entry I Forgot How to Draw Cuz Its 2 Weeks of 3D Work and Then I Like to Make a Big Painterly Piece to Get Back In the Swing of Thing #The Most Fun Here Was Painting the Golden Gate Bridge #Im a Firm Believer That Once You Get Good Enough At Perspective You Can Ignore It and Its Nice to Be At That Place By My Own Standards #+ It Was Fun to Render With All the Oranges and Purples and Reds. Im Trying to Blend With More 'Harsh' Colour Differences I Guess #Step Away From Shading Red With Dark Red Blue With Dark Blue ETC #Dreamy Art

[couch-house]

redraws of stc knuckles' many trials and tribulations

#stc #sth #sonic the comic #knuckles the echidna #fleetway knuckles #sonic the hedgehog #fanart #id in alt text #this is 70 87 and 178 #bc i remembered knuckles suicidal moments this morning lol #oh right #suicide ment #also getting zapped with a cattle prod possible NOT the worst thing to happen to him in the cowboy story??? #considering the whole. lynch mob thing? they put him through a Lot #poor knuckles 😔 #also sorry im just incapable of drawing his spines consistently from the back </3

[mothgardens]

Super cute of Dean to give permission to an angel and a demon to possess his younger brother. Then, instead of apologizing, he began talking about how much people are hurt when they are around him.

Super adorable how he didn’t even let Sam get his frustrations out or even really talk the situation through. Super sweet how he immediately turned the situation around to be a Dean moment.

#i get dean is complicated and all #but like #please for the love of god LET SAM HAVE FEELINGS #it literally went from #oh sam got his bodily autonomy taken away again #damn that for sure will leave a mark or his mental health #especially considering the fragile #borderline suicidal state he was in before #and then it went to #woe is me #i am dean winchester #i hurt everything i touch #look at how much IM struggling in this situation #like :( cmon #gimme a sam centric scene #supernatural #sam winchester #spn #castiel #please talk to me about supernatural #dean winchester #sastiel #destiel

[jfkisonthemoon]

Hi JFK. What is orv?

im so glad you asked. im still reading it (chapter 459 so please no spoilers in the notes). omniscient reader's viewpoint (shortened to orv) is a korean webnovel about a man named kim dokja. and his life completely SUCKS. he has no friends, no family, he's abused under capitalism and is a contract worker for a shitty office job. the only thing he has in his life is a webnovel called "three ways to survive a ruined world" about a man trying to survive the apocalypse. he's been reading this novel as it updates for YEARS but it ends and he finds he isn't entirely satisfied. he looks forward to the epilogue, but on the day it is supposed to be published, the novel is instead deleted. he finds that the author has emailed him a pdf of the novel with a message saying "good luck". from then on, the events of the novel start to happen in real life, with him meeting his favorite characters and attempting to get a better ending for all of them. as the sole person who read through the entire novel, he thinks that he is best suited for steering them to the ending, but can you really know someone just from reading about them?

it's a huge meta-commentary on reading, writing, trauma, dissociation, finding out that you want to stay alive, capitalism, and stories! it basically asks the question: what if the stories and characters we loved loved us as much as we love them? if you've ever been chronically online, obsessed with a character, or suicidal i would absolutely recommend this novel. it even has time loops and vague polyamory. it has very simple prose that stands out because of how plainly it's written. since january, ive been reading at least a chapter a day and im heartbroken that the end is in sight for me. as soon as im done reading, i want to begin again <3

#i think a lot of people get turned off because of how long it is (the english fan translation is 6061 pages) #but consider. #thats just more time you get to spend with kim dokja. #again im still reading please no spoilers in the notes #orv #omniscient reader's viewpoint #jessie answers #evil-city #suicide mention #im not gonna be annoying and tag but if youre interested the great zoe jay/ot3 has a post with a link and more info #as well as a testimonial tag

[lazykebabvagina]

I broke up with my best friend today:( he was being an asshole but it still hurts like a knife to the heart

#i dont even think he considered me his best friend #pain #friendship breakup #im in pain #sad #suicidal thoughts #favourite person #breakup #traitor #mental illness #emotions #thoughts #deep

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

,

#be me #have active suicidal thoughts im seriously considering acting upon asap #have brother put on music #it's the Hallelujah Chorus #nvm forget that #tw suicide #personal

[damazcuz]

*turns to my coworkers* they can't fire us all! Suicide pact.

#genuinely. im considering lying and saying someone close to me died so i can.maybe have #a couple hours away from this environment in which i think I'm going to die soon #but i cant. cause my team needs me. and refuses to so a group suicide with me. #well hmph. #ok sorry. inappropriately close to my chest post about wanting death. #well i have a full time job. thats just reality and you HAVE to clock in. #tomorrow we all get yelled at in person. reamed for not meeting the numbers. #its a real morale booster. #cant wait! 😊

[sotogalmo]

7:51

Some hcs for CC (mostly projection<3):

C.C in a sense is used to death. He's used to talking about death. His father talks about, his brother, his mother(? if he does remember her), and maybe his sister. They talk about death like it's a scary thing..but he's somewhat fine with it. It's another stage of life (but he's also, of course, scared of it as well. He's human <- that's what he's been saying to himself as long as he was alive. "I'm human. I'm human. Emotions are a human thing, so that means I'm human"). And he knows that memories last so much longer then the body does.

CC doesn't care about gender<3. But kinda does at the same time. Toxic masculinity and such- the year he was around for were not good for him

C.C (going with the hc that William first started killing with dead animals), has seen dead bodies(or mainly blood & gore. Never the body itself: due to FNAF4, and some lines from that game). Just dead animal bodies. He blames himself for what his father has done. And his father knows that he saw (also going with the midnight motorist game, of CC being the runaway kid + the idea that C.C knows more than anyone let's on). But he regrets it so much, & stays so so quiet about it. So the others don't know? Or maybe only one doesn't know. CC doesn't bother with that fact though, since he's alone & knows much more then they think he does. And maybe since he knows how rotting works, maybe that's why his nightmares have holes/some parts that are missing

C.C has had thoughts of homicide & suicide. It goes both ways(to himself/others(suicide/seeing one's suicide) & others(homicide)). But he doesn't act on them. He never would. He just thinks & then forgets about it. That's the way he copes, and it's helpful to him. He can forget about it(only for a little bit. He can't escape it though. His brother is here, his father might be coming back later: no doubt hiding some dead bodies of animals. He can't stop feeling angry at everything & everyone).

Since he's too much of a coward to do any actual self harm(or self harm that is very visible & worthy of medical needs). He does some bruises on his legs(already can get cover up quick, and no one really cares about him). Many reasons why he does this (to feel something, punish himself: when he's already punished, I feel like it gets worse when he's locked inside his room(he's able to leave when he says he's sorry & wont do it again & he knows what he did is wrong & he's going to listen), release overwhelming emotions: anger - pulling hair, and to block memories as best as he can: slapping himself). But bruises are the main route he goes with

Whenever he was emotional or close to saying anything about himself("failure", "robot", etc). He would sometimes be compared to Bon's Burgers(if Fazbear Entertainment(but nothing bad happens) exists in TWF then BonsBurgers(but nothing bad happens) exists in FNAF. To me)'s animatronics. In the sense that he's very similar to how they are programmed?? I dunno. I like to think that Fazbear Ent. made personality for the characters, and while BonsBurgers did as well I like to think it was very minimal. Not much but simple lines, yk? And CC does a lot of the same thing: crying, blaming, etc. on loop and on loop and on loop and on loop. Everytime something goes down / he's also semi-compared to Felix(here he gets over his addiction), only when he was like, the drunk sad man at bars.

CC thinks that Felix is like him due to that information. But Felix got over his addiction and here CC is.

Forgotten.

Dead.

Just numb.

He feels cold.

He wants to be happy like Felix is.

Why can't he?

#time diary(?) #audrey/kellie's time diary #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #cc afton #crying child afton #maybe could be considered a vent??? just projecting onto CC #tw homicidal ideation #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm ideation #im looking at you all with big ass bug eyes. timeline for someone like cc?? not good. not great. he hates life :( but also loves it #gonna add walten files to this too #mainly felix. i feel like felix & cc could've gotten along yk? #SoundCloud #the walten files #twf #twf felix #felix kranken #I GO TO THERAPY- JUST THOUGHT ID HAVE TO SAY THAT #I WILL OPEN UP TO MY THERAPIST ABOUT THESE THOUGHTS OR OTHER THINGS IF I HAVENT TOLD HER BOUT IT #but i go to therapy every monday(not this next monday. its a holiday so no school/no therapy!! <- will go crazy & dump #some stuff on friends at school). waaa

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything

Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds

#like. i went out earlier to get bread #just bread bc we cant afford anything else #got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like #our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off #and it usually wont switch off over weekends #presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway #so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday. #but then itll be at least a tenner in debt #then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is #or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing #and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days #we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen #like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its. #its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in #and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel #and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me #but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change. #whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness #tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s #like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but #dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon

[vamprisms]

hate saying this stuff on here but feeling a little bit sue the side al

#if i dont put it somewhere im goung to explosion 💥 #if you ever see me talking about going back to school i almost definitely considered offing myself that week #suicide tw

[stormyoceans]

IF THEY REALLY GIVE US THE MARATHON SCENE WITH MORK BEING A GUIDE RUNNER FOR DAY Y'ALL ARE GONNA HAVE TO COME VISIT ME IN THE PSYCH WARD

#ONCE AGAIN JIMMY BE WALKING UP ON SET JUST GAZING WITH A LOVE SO ALL CONSUMING AND FULL OF YEARNING #AND A DEVOTION SO PALPABLE AND PLAIN TO SEE IT DRIVES PEOPLE TO THE BRINK OF SUICIDE #IT'S ME IM PEOPLE #ALSO OBSESSED WITH THE FACT THAT THIS APPARENTLY HAPPENS THE SAME DAY AS THOSE LAST STILLS WITH AUGUST??????? #since the clothes are the same??? #were day and mork out training for the marathon and august just showed up and day allowed him to stay which is why mork looked so annoyed??? #FUCK DID AUGUST OFFER HIMSELF TO BE DAY'S GUIDE RUNNER INSTEAD OF MORK SINCE HE'S ALREADY AN ATHLETE #DID DAY CONSIDER IT BECAUSE HE THINKS MORK DOESN'T LIKE IT TO BEGIN WITH SO IT WOULD MAKE HIM HAPPY NOT TO HAVE TO DO IT #WHILE MORK IS JUST SITTING THERE WANTING DAY TO CHOOSE HIM??????????? #WHAT IF WE GET DAY TRYING TO RUN WITH AUGUST AS WELL BUT THEY'RE NOT IN SYNC AS DAY AND MORK #[GETS SHOT WITH AN ELEPHANT TRANQUILIZER] #last twilight the series #m: txt

[nerves-nebula]

my "not actively suicidal" ass: google what's the legal age to buy a gun in my state

#nnstuff #rambling #im not happy here and im not happy anywhere. lol #ppl be asking me if i have a plan and its gone from #'not really' #to 'sort of? but not really' #to 'sort of?' #whats next??????? #the thing is that there are a lot of moments where i like being alive but maybe not enough #i am also considering getting into drinking #ages for both those things is 21 #suicide tw #vent

[forbiddennhoney]

its my borthday 🥺

#personal #at 10:30am EST i will be officially 25 :3 #did i have a big crying fit last night bc ik most ppl arent gonna say anything if i dont actually remind them its my bday ? yes #am i still posting this bc i want to be appreciated for actually making it this far? also yes #ik ppl think birthdays are lame or whatever but they're really important to me esp considering how many times ive almost died #like i shouldn't be here! but i am! i made it! i did it! and i may have clawed my way here but i did it! #im also 5 years older now than my last suicide attempt 🥺 #like this birthday is special and important