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lorefolked · 10 months

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going through the motions was just a facet of james' life. fleeting, swirled faces that never lingered for long, pressing questions from all sides ; like a thick pair of jaws fastened around him, canines sinking in until he was bled dry, thin and weak. the queries never ended, nor did the expectations. he was this kind of figure now, clad in dark shades, hair wild and untamed -- a figment of his signature. he practically bled black.

he'd become somewhat, undeniably, accustomed to the press conferences. skin thickening with each discussion, once soft-toned and demure responses edging into something more curt, abrupt and monosyllabic, as brief as james could possibly be. instead of answering he'd begun volleying back his own questions -- "how do you feel about it?" "what is there to say?" "is that how you interpret it?" seeing the looks on those journalists' faces was perhaps better than any kind of acid ( now criminalized, just like those reporters the moment their quizzes were turned back on them ). his reputation had tacked on words like jerk and evasive, headlines screeching warnings of WATCH OUT and RIVERS BACK AT IT AGAIN! without care to truly understand the intention of his words. james had never cared much for the press -- he found them to be sleazy; sell outs; only interested in one thing, and it was never the truth. they'd likened james to a petulant child in the two years he'd been an artist, so he'd turned his back on them and done the same. their faces red with embarrassment and irritation, brows furrowed and jaws clenched, fully inked pens gripped by white-tipped fingers. why won't you answer? why? why? look in the mirror.

but those moments of satisfaction had been swallowed by the other mounting feelings wedged in james' chest. sly smirks gave way to thinned lips, expressionless and cold. this was who he was now. empty, barren hotel rooms, untouched sheets. a narrow spine pushed against the wall, black collared jacket swept around his feet, legs pressed into his stomach. the tears never came. sickness churned in his belly, fingers curled around porcelain toilets as he bent over, dry heaving. platform saddle shoes digging into the dirty tile underneath. help me. he wanted to cry out, wanted to beg god for forgiveness, but the sky lay empty at night and no deity ever answered him back. hands covered his face, fingers tangled in messy black hair. he was alone.

then he met oliver noble ( and after that, he'd never felt more alone in his entire life ). sleek brunette hair, stylized and gelled ; deep brown eyes focusing in on james' face, never leaving, like they belonged there. fleas on a dog's hide, burrowed deep. he smelled of citrus and wood, a crackling hearth, sparked with amber flames. he looked like he shaved daily. for james, brushing his teeth was a chore -- jaws gnashed as bitterness ran through him. noble was older, only a little, and wore tailored suits. wrinkles pressed out and tie expertly wrapped. he held out a hand, a grin on his face. one that screamed shark. james took it anyway, felt the softness against his own callouses. backed away, intent on getting away and slipping through the crowd, but noble followed.

james expected many things. questions that he'd heard a million times, something any idiot could find in the paper. headline material. he had already begun working up a detached answer to the usual "how does it feel to be the most highly regarded artist right now?" but what came was neither what he expected nor what he wished to answer. a deep look in those sharp browns, like they saw something no one else did. "how do you handle performance anxiety, mr. rivers?"

performance anxiety. as if james didn't live in front of crowds. as if a camera wasn't always in his face. as if his hands didn't tremble before he stepped on stage. teeth clenched, adjusting his sunglasses, wanting something to do with his hands as the question speared through him. he felt protected by his shades, like his eyes couldn't be bored into. even though noble's face looked like he was staring right through him. "it's just life. how do you handle life?" he bunted back. waited for the cross look. it never came.

noble nodded slowly, like he'd come to understand something that was never there in the first place. "life is difficult. i understand what you mean. but dealing with it -- now that's the million dollar question, isn't it?" he replied, voice silky sweet with sympathy. like james was liquid putty in his hands, molded and shaped however he saw fit. i'm worth twenty thousand of you, he wanted to say. wanted to scream. how did he deflect a question when it was no longer his answer?

"people deal with life in different ways. it all comes down to what you know," james said reluctantly. you're manipulating me. was it manipulation if he knew it? or was he, at that point, just as guilty?

"and what do you know, mr. rivers?" noble positioned himself in front of james, staring at him. he wasn't even holding a pen or a notepad. like he was committing all of this to memory, as if someone of his stature cared that much. he looked more like a renowned businessman to james than anything else ; a carnivorous hound, teeth bared and jaws foaming. each word was like a clap of thunder, and if noble was a hound then james was nothing more than a house dog, shaken and frail. weak underpaw, walking a line he didn't quite know how to tread yet. trying to be delicate but feeling as though he'd just shattered fine china. but it was his life. his life. how could someone take away all he knew in such a short amount of time?

james didn't want to answer. where had that person gone, the one that fired back at journalists like this? where was that cold mask? why were his hands shaking when he should be cool and confident? noble was using him, twisting up his words in order to pad his story with interest. and yet, james couldn't help but wonder how much of what noble was twisting up was true. "i'm just a singer. i'm no scholar. if i was a scholar i wouldn't be singing, would i?"

"many would beg to differ," noble responded, quick and light, weightless. "you're a hero to so many. your words carry power." james heard the undertone of mockery, saw the veiled interest in noble's eyes. nothing he could say would ever resonate with this man. he'd already made up his mind about james -- prick. cagey. uninteresting.

that familiar resentment ran flush through him, sinking into the cores of his teeth. the marrow in his bones. who was he to change noble's mind? who was he to change anyone's mind? embracing the idea that he was this character now ( black clothed, reticent, strung out ) was what felt like the current best option. let noble have his headliner. let everyone see james for the person he put on. who would have the last laugh then? it had to be him. it had to be. they'd all be fools, because james would know what he was. he'd never lose sight of himself. and even though the empty space in his chest was an open chasm, maw wide and gaping, he wouldn't allow himself to fall in. sidestepping was easy, a dance he knew well. this was just another part of himself he'd keep from the world.

"power is only what people give it," james murmured, motioning out toward the crowd choked around them. "and if people see me as a hero, then maybe i am one. what are you doing about the state of things? writing columns about me?" hazel eyes narrowed at noble, taking in the acceptance on the other man's face. expectations had just been met. "maybe it's you who needs to think about how to handle life. i'm certainly doing a better job of it than you."

james didn't wait for an answer. he couldn't. he just saw noble's lips press into a thin line and then he was off, desperate to be away from this place and these people. returning home -- or whatever he could truly call home, living in the desolation of a hotel room. a black abyss, calling out to him. and the time passed, as it always did. that night was just a ledger in his mind. and for a moment, he'd thought, he isn't writing about me. he'd deflected, successfully. was that all it took? speaking highly of himself?

and then the magazine landed across his desk days later. the ledbetter, it read. title : IS JAMES RIVERS WORTHY OF PRAISE AFTER ALL? author, oliver noble. james felt sick as he read it. tanned hands picked up the pack of newports, bringing the cigarette to his lips. he breathed smoke, lived in it, ash in a fire. the last one standing in a burning house. hearth-dwelling noble, setting the place ablaze. james had never felt worthy of his celebrity standing, but this certainly overwhelmed any other criticism -- and to be so wrong at the same time? it was no hullabaloo magazine, but people would certainly read this. chapped lips parted as smoke puffed out, trailing thick tendrils through the empty white room, legs lifting to set his feet upon the desk. he scrubbed a hand through his hair. when was the last time he'd even bothered to wash it? it all just felt so far away, a distant echo crying out in a bottomless cave. nothing matters. nothing ever has. nothing ever will. he eyed the setlist sitting on his desk, wondered what those people thought of him. but then, did it really matter? what of oliver noble? what of mary, his own manager? if the world saw him one way, was that really who he was? maybe it only mattered what he was deep down. but if no one else saw that, was he even human at that point? or was he just a cardboard cutout, a caricature?

anger swelled inside of him, gripping the magazine and throwing it across the room, watching the gaudy pages flutter in the air. a kaleidoscope of color, planting to the ground. his chest heaved, his hands shook. he had a show tonight. there was no reason to get worked up. but oliver noble had found him, crooked and bleeding, and kicked him in the face. watched him go down, laughing, laughing, laughing. that grin haunted his mind. commensalism was so often the relationship between musician and reporter. but what of this?

james shook his head, bit down on the cigarette and closed his eyes. maybe he'd write a song about this. call it parasite. the suckling leech, oliver noble. he just hoped to never see him again. it wouldn't be far out if he didn't. but those words would continue living in his head, at least until james could let it go. but the idea of being bested stuck with him, and so it never slipped his mind.

performance anxiety. what a joke.

#*dumps 1800 words on you*#PHEW #this was very difficult but fun #just a little character study <3 maybe even a look at james and oliver's first meeting?#this kind of strays from my usual style BUT i'm trying to be a little more descriptive here and just get better at writing in general #and woo boy is this guy fun to explore #so many issues lol. of course as he's my character but ... so many problems #messy messy boys !!!#i'm a little tired of writing after this but i'm sure i'll whip up something again soon #as my brainrot is full with these characters rn #so ... enjoy anyone reading #JAMES RIVERS.#OLIVER NOBLE.#writing

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trashlie · 2 years

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in which nol is incapable of resisting friendship (part two)

It’s no secret that episode 179 has set me off on a deeper wave of ILY brainrot and I am incapable of shutting up. This is a follow up to my last post, which was largely just me revisiting some old ILY scenes leading up to and including the formal, re-examining some scenes that had always given me some pause win the light of what we’ve recently learned and with Nol’s general mindset.

This is a companion piece, that doesn’t really require you read the one prior, that visits something I’ve been thinking about since around 151, which is the way that though Nol has made it his mission to walk out of his friends lives and yet, we see him struggle at that with Shinae. I once noted that Nol is very much like Minhyuk in that both of them seem incapable of resisting trying to help her even though they know well enough she can take care of herself and somehow that seems a little more significant now.

It’s kind of weird, but finding out that Nol had never intended to truly be with friends with anyone - that he thought he could just enter these peoples’ lives and help them and then leave when his good deed was done - makes the friendships he formed so much more special to me. He never intended to really be a friend, to care about them, but in the end, he couldn’t help it. It brings us here, to a post-Kim-formal Nol who has already decided to walk out of everyone’s lives but finds it’s not that easy to do, or to stop caring.

I do believe he had every intention of it and even had Yui not played dirty at the formal, Nol would have been off to Oxford and wouldn’t have looked back. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have felt guilty, but it’s pretty easy to compare Nol to a feral cat; there’s a couple people he’s grown comfortable with but the moment he sees that opening he’s taking off and breaking free. Obviously his methods were never right and frankly, the idea that he could just walk out of everyone’s lives and they’d be better for it, without ever giving them the option to choose, was unfair and wrong, but I also get it, to some degree. Especially in light of the arrest, the upcoming jail sentence, he’s cagey and ready to be gone. He already believes no one is going to miss him or care when he’s gone. In fact, to this point, we already know that he had no idea how important a friend he was becoming to Shinae, what their experiences at the Kim forma did to strengthen her attachment to him. He even states outright that he had no idea she felt that way about him, that he was important to meant anything to her.

Something I find especially interesting is that while Nol has every intention of leaving, booking it to the UK and exiting their lives, a fleeting memory of a kid who helped these people in their hard times, we still see the way he’s drawn to his friends - or at least to Shinae. We don’t really see Nol with his friends after the formal and I imagine it’s because he’s purposefully keeping his distance, whereas with Shinae, he doesn’t have that option given how much they’re around each other working in the same building.

It cannot be denied that he’s cagey as hell, keeping his distance, careful to keep Shinae at bay and yet, despite this, he always gets drawn back in.

Nol can’t help it - at this point he legitimately cares.

Especially with Shinae, I think this goes even deeper, because we now know that the only reason Nol even resurfaced in that pool was Shinae. As he much as he was saving her, she saved him too, although I imagine he doesn’t exactly view it that way. (In a way, the task of saving Shinae can almost be seen as a burden; though he was ready to let everything end then, he felt emburdened to help her, and that meant denying himself something he craved, but I think in time we’ll see him change his feelings about that.) They both are still here because of each other, and I think that’s a bond that will play into their relationship as they recalibrate their friendship.

Even as early as the day after the formal we can see Nol drawing his distance, and it’s not because he promised Kousuke he’ll minimize his interactions with Shinae, but his own choosing. He throws his phone after seeing her calls - but he still cares. I like this detail a lot because it’s something I puzzled over a lot before, but now it’s clear that he tried not to return the call because he knew she’d be worried, because he needed to create space between them, because he needed to be able to walk away. But he can’t. He doesn’t want her to worry, or maybe deep down he likes the idea of her concern, that someone he cares about might also care about him. I still love that whole scene, their exchange on the phone with the hugged pillows and concern and we see a bit of the real Nol peeking out - no forced smiles or masks, just a weary, tired boy who has been through too much too young and has so much on his shoulders, and his friend so concerned about him despite her own injuries. I think it reads as so very honestly them and I hope we see more of those scenes - relying on each other, caring about each other, lending a shoulder of support. Though Nol doesn’t actually open up on that call, I like to hope we’ll see him learn to do that.

There’s a number of moments that I think carry new weight with what we now know about Nol and his intentions to leave everyone behind that I want to touch on.

On Shinae’s first day of work, we were able to get the sense of Nol being evasive - he can’t just avoid her, but he makes no point to linger in her presence, even when he finds her on the floor in the elevator. Shinae is very aware that something is off, and while you can argue that it’s because he’s not acting like Yeonggi, I think it’s more that she’s honing in on Nol’s evasive behavior. He’s doing the bare minimum as a friend but he’s also leaving a lot of space between them. In fact, Nol even states “It’s not like I’ll be disappearing any time soon” with his eyes closed - a lie, because he knows he will be. Yet, on her second day when she’s late, Nol takes it upon himself not only to take the fall for why she’s late, but also go to and pick her up, which is above and beyond, for someone who is pointedly distancing himself from Shinae.

Nol has no obligation to help - he could just talk to Kousuke like she asked without going through the motions of going to retrieve her and yet he chooses to. It’s a small but big detail - something I’ve always called out - Nol’s helplessness in refuting Shinae. It would be so easy for him to do exactly what she asked, to simply talk to Kousuke and leave it at that but he doesn’t, and it’s beyond his grapple for absolution, because he knows by this point that this is a friend he cares about and he wants to help and when Shinae needs that assistance, he finds himself beholden to doing that and minimizing the trouble she could be in. Obviously part of it is because the excuse he used was dependent on him being Shinae’s ride to work, so retrieving her was the only way to make it believable, but he could have come up with any number of excuses on her behalf. I think it’s a nice demonstration of how even though Nol should be keeping his distance, it’s difficult for him to successfully do it. He’s only good at avoiding them when he doesn’t actually have to face or talk to them.

Because he’s picking her up, we’re treated to that cute conversation they have about Dieter and his feelings for Shinae, but also Nol gets to witness the way she uses words that he has used on her when Dieter does the very kind of self-beating-up that she’s prone to. His smile is cute - realizing that he has, indeed, helped her, and that help is now going on to help others. Maybe he feels some sort of comfort, knowing that he’ll be leaving Shinae a better friend and person?

I would not be me if I didn’t yell into the night about episode 93, which is actually what prompted me to write this whole thing, all the way to part one, in the first place, because there’s a line that REALLY stood out to me after reading 179. I’ve talked about this a lot before but to reiterate, Nol has made his decision to leave his friends and let them “move on” without him, and yet at every opportunity, he finds himself concerned. You could argue that he’s rankled about how Kousuke treats Shinae because of his own feelings about Kousuke, and certainly that likely colors it, but Nol understands how much is being thrown at her with so little breathing room. He also understands being tossed into the sea and expected to sink or swim. Nol clearly cares that too much is being expected of Shinae, who is still a student, who has so many other issues going on at home, and he can’t help but caring about it.

When he follows that he’s going overboard as her friend again, I think it’s a very honest moment for Nol. Unlike before when he forced friendship on her for his own gain, now he cares about the line she drew, now he’s being that good friend, again despite his intentions. Nol is also being more honest than usual with Shinae. I think there’s something more to his surprise that Shinae went ahead and invited Kousuke to the party, because Nol’s personal intentions were bad, because he wanted to make Kousuke feel uncomfortable the way he’s been doing to Shinae. It’s revenge-y and it does make Nol look bad - but he doesn’t realize Shinae, too, feels the same. It’s one of those moments of their mirroring that’s really laid out - Nol didn’t expect her to do it because he doesn’t know she, too, felt the same way he does, that she, too, was feeling upset with the way she’s been treated by Kousuke.

The way Nol sits, angled away from her like earlier in the locker room, despite how honest he’s being, revealing these small, secret parts of himself that he keeps under lock and key, revealing the depth of his concern and care. I love how very at odds it is - that he wants to stop, that he’s trying not to, he’s angled away he’s trying to create that distance but he still can’t help the honesty that comes out. He still can’t help the caring.

I feel like there’s so much new weight to this line. He’s saying it for Shinae’s benefit - that though he knows she’s capable of taking care of herself and fighting her own battles, as a friend he still is going to care about her and worry. But given that, until some weeks ago, he was convincing himself these relationships meant nothing, that these friendships were one sided had no hold, to admit out loud “That won’t stop me from caring” is a confession not only of his attempt to respect Shinae’s wishes but also an admission of his own truth. No matter what, no matter how he tries, he cannot stop himself from caring.

Shinae is an important friend, someone he cares about, someone who matters and it can’t be undone anymore.

Maybe that’s the source of his frustration? That these people who were meant to mean nothing now mean everything and, moreso, they care about him in return. No one but Nana does that, no one plays attention to the little details or his an earbud that’s fallen to the ground, but now he has friends like Shinae who express so much concern over him. Does he wish he could stay? Does he wish he could indulge in those relationships though he knows (according to his logic) no good can come of it? When he immediately texts Dieter, I still think he’s trying to tie up loose ends - if he can help ensure Dieter and Shinae’s friendship, they can be better off together in his absence, maybe? That lingering look of frustration, though - I don’t think it’s that he’s developing feelings, so much as he realizes how much he cares, how much he wants to indulge, how much he wants to be cared about in return and how dangerous it is for him to entertain these notions.

idk I’m endlessly obsessed with that episode and what it means for Nol to be unable to help himself from caring, despite how much he never meant to.

And on this topic, the other favorite episode to fixate on and overanalyze, 117.

I love this one a lot because we have Shinae becoming more aware of Nol’s evasive attitude and calling him out on it. As natural as he tries to be, he fails, and yet even though he could escape while she’s working, he instead gives Shinae his word and stays to her break as promised. It’s like, even though what he’s doing isn’t really being a good friend - that is, this game of friendship where he doesn’t tell her he plans on leaving, maintaining friendship in these little pockets of time but with every intention to leave and ghost everyone - he still can’t help but be a good friend. Shinae is worried that he’s avoiding her (and he is!) so he stays to assuage her feelings.

I’m sure it’s been wondered before but, what is Nol even doing hanging out there? He knows she works there and will be around shortly - does he secretly want to see her and talk? Maybe it’s just that it’s the nearest place he can escape and be alone, but again, the point still stands that he knows she’ll be by at some point. Maybe he just wasn’t counting on her working the night he was sitting there? He’s clearly avoiding going home or staying at work, so I’m not sure we can assume he is acting on a secret desire to have a moment with a friend, but the fact that the only option he’s got is the very place the friend he’s avoiding works isn’t in his favor. Either way, we know the weight of everything is hanging heavy over him and he’s drowning.

So it’s no surprise that Nol, once again, opens up JUST a smidge. All in all, he’s hardly revealed his true self to Shinae, but there’s a handful of moments that he kind of starts. Is it because he believes he’ll still be gone by the end of the year and he’s allowed to let himself open up a bit? Or is it just a moment of weak vulnerability, where he can’t help open up a little. Nol has made such an effort to take care of his friends that I think he probably can’t help but want that in return, even though as he’s noting, he doesn’t know if he should be allowed that.

No matter what he does, he feels like things get worse, like he doesn’t DESERVE to come out on top. And yet, for a moment, he indulges in friendship. He indulges in the comfort of sharing your burdens and opening up to someone and feeling, for a moment, like he’s allowed to want for better.

I think that might be why he shares his music with Shinae, too? Again, I wonder if this is because he believes soon he’ll be gone and these are selfish pockets of friendship stolen for himself, that won’t matter soon. Because, again, this is such an intimate episode, with him opening up (a fraction lol) and sharing one of his favorite songs with his head tucked so close to Shinae, who lately has done nothing but show concern about him.

The ambiguous “I like this” reads a little differently now - Nol has denied himself “real” friendships so long, has denied himself the opportunity to really engage with people, that the moments he’s spared with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi probably are unique for him, something he hasn’t really experienced otherwise. I like this - the feeling of companionship and being seen, of someone who is concerned and cares about you? Of sharing a private part of yourself and being met not with revulsion but actual concern?

Knowing what we now know about Nol and his intentions, the way he tried so hard to carry these fake friendships and help people without growing attached, idk it just makes these scenes feel a little more special. It’s the inevitability of it that gets to me - that he went in expecting one thing and in the end he couldn’t help who he became, couldn’t help the care that developed. It also makes the way he avoided them ring even more painfully - because the whole time he did that, he, too, wanted to reach back out. He, too, wanted to return to them, but his beliefs had clouded his judgment.

With that in mind, it makes me rethink some things in 151, too.

Before, I had thought that when Nol hugged Shinae, it was because he felt bad that his actions made her doubt their friendship, that it killed him for them to part with her thinking that. But it was true! So much of their friendship was a lie! At least, it was founded on a lie, built upon lies. To Shinae, it was an important friendship, one that meant a lot to her, and she was finding that maybe she was never really as important to him as he was to her. We know now that’s not the case, but she didn’t know that at the moment.

Nol doesn’t finally reach out and hug Shinae to reassure her; he does it as an act of apology. He does it because he realizes how much he’s hurt her, how his quest for absolution has, yet again, hurt people regardless of his intentions.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m sure the hug is also some kind of reassurance, but above all, it IS an apology, because she is right and she’s calling him out even though she doesn’t realize how right she is. It all began a lie and he tried so hard to keep it a lie but he couldn’t help but come to care, and now he’s hurt her - now she’s hurt again and it’s his fault - and he cares about if he hurts her and he knows (believes) he can’t stick around and he hugs her because it’s such a messy tangle of feelings and idk having this additional layer of knowledge makes it SO bittersweet. Nol being faced with just how much he’s hurt Shinae and the regret and apology and all the things he cannot yet say.

Idk man, knowing that Nol never intended to truly be their friend but couldn’t help but come to care about them, couldn’t help but fall into real friendship will always have me howling because boy do I know a noble fool on a quest he cannot fully commit to.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #admittedly not very shippy this time around since i'm only focusing on how their friendship is conducted #and mostly reexamining certain scenes with the knowledge of yknow. the way he approached these friendships #it's nothing groundbreaking or anything but if you're like me and you just like to suffer a little lol #just examining the implications of the way nol was hellbent on quietly escaping his friends' lives but also could not resist being drawn #back in to help. his inability to stop himself from caring.#that's lmao that's literally what this is #a dumb thought dump on nol's inability to stop caring #'but that won't stop me from caring'#HOWLS #HE'S SO DUMB HE'S SUCH A DUMB FOOL HE THINKS HIMSELF A NOBLE IDIOT BUT HE'S JUST A DUMB FOOL AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH ;A;#alternatively titled: when will nol give him and accept the love people want to give him #thank you #alkjfjfkjafkjfakjafkj

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