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godlygreta · 2 years

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on top of meeting everyone & spending this past week with some of my best friends, i hit 1.3k! i’m so emotional (especially since everyone’s flown back home) and i seriously cannot believe it ?? it feels totally unreal and so strange still. it's been sitting in that everyone's officially home now, dropping hannah off at the airport first yesterday. i'm truly shocked i didn't bawl my fucking eyes out. and then my love, viv, left as well. and then my lovely dearest wife, alba. not to mention, i got to meet lexi, billie, and katie. and we all had dinner and got to enjoy our time together before we all inevitably had to part ways. we had so much fucking fun especially at dave and busters. it didn't settle in that everyone's really home until i got home myself and cried. i miss everyone so dearly and immensely that it hurts. this week has been the best i've had in a while.

so, as a huge thank you to everyone for reading my fics and believing in me, i've decided to tease some of the sam shit i'm working on for you. i know y'all have been waiting for some demon!sam content. i've been tirelessly working on it and making sure it's perfect for all of you. alas, here's different scenes from a couple sam fics i'm working on right now, demon!sam being one of them.

i don't want to tease too much of demon!sam, the first chapter is coming on friday, april 1, 2022, so keep a watch out for that !! this can also serve as a reminder to fill out the sinister taglist if you aren't already on it: here.

warnings: usage of drugs, mentions of alcohol, swearing, and slight smut.

barbarians | guitar solo series fic.

“Be careful, little boy. I won’t let you smoke any of this weed.” The boys all watched as you rolled your joint, some soft music playing from someone’s phone. Although, it was slightly hard to hear over the lounge party coming from down the hall. You could hear them yelling as they probably played beer bong and made potential pledges chug their body weight in beer.

You could feel eyes on you as you brought the paper up to your lips, licking the edge of it. You twisted the end quickly, silently thanking yourself for coming prepared so you didn’t have to fuck around much with the filter. You brought it up to your lips, grabbing your vibrant blue lighter out of your bag. You puffed on it a few times, allowing the fire to burn through the twisted end pretty quickly. You took a few hits, passing it along to Josh. He had become your smoking buddy after your first party on campus.

He found you on the roof of the building, of which you vowed to never tell anyone just how you ended up there. He laughed at you, passing you the joint he had just sparked up. The two of you talked a bit, mostly about college and the never ending anxiety surrounding the future and not knowing where you want to go, what you want to do. Josh had pumped your mind chock full of his spirituality – letting the world take you wherever it wanted to.

***

You found the door belonging to Sam, turning the knob. Upon the door swinging open, you saw Sam hunched over the desk. He inhaled deeply and quickly through his nose, snapping his head upwards. He wiped at his nostrils, sniffing some more. The girl sat next to him just stared at you watching Sam. "Who are you looking at? Oh, hey, what's up? Want a line?"

"You're fucking unbelievable." You slammed the door behind you as you stormed into the hallway. You heard Sam open the door, jogging after you.

"Wait!" He yelled after you, everyone's eyes had found you. The music seemed to stop, but it also could have been the sheer fury coursing through your veins. He spoke, reaching his hand out and grabbing your wrist. "C'mon, don't be like that. What's the problem?"

"No, Sam. Don't fucking talk to me." You walked down the sidewalk, ears burning and eyes filling with tears. You wiped your eyes with the back of your hand.

Sam stood at the end of the driveway, running his hands through his hair. He cursed to himself lightly, before heading back inside by Charlotte, the girl who sat beside him in his room. He kicked her out, shutting the door and locking it behind her.

sinister - chapter one | demon!sam

You quickly wrapped the towel around you as soon as you stepped out of the shower. You walked into the kitchen, towel wrapped around you, grabbing a mug from the cupboard. You watched Danny as he read over the paper, giggling at him. “And what’s so funny?”

“You look like such a Dad reading the newspaper.” You poured the last little bit of the coffee into your mug, heading back into the bathroom. You put it on the counter while you dried off, squeezing as much of the water out of your hair as you could. You dreaded putting on a bra in the mornings, but you did so anyway, throwing on a striped t-shirt over it.

***

“Why don’t you have any water in your fridge? Do you not know what that is?”

“Fuck off, Danny.” You chuckled, cracking open one of the Monsters from your fridge. He let you eat your lunch in peace, aside from his occasional outburst of laughter, scrolling mindlessly through Facebook.

Lunch passed too quickly, hearing the bells signal once again. Students flooded the hallways, watching them rush to get to their lockers before going to class. You waited out until most of them had filtered out, opening your door again and offering him a quick goodbye with a hug and an ‘I’ll see you at home’.

One of the other girls that frequented your office, Amelia, walked past you as you watched Danny leave, wiggling her eyebrows. “Enough of that, Amelia.”

“Just admit you like him already.”

cinderella | a mac miller songfic

He writhes in his sleep, light moans falling from his lips. His body becomes ablaze, desire riding across his skin like a wildfire. Written behind his eyes are scenes of you, naked and waiting for him. His eyes rake over your figure, eating up the way you circle your own clit with your middle finger, using your other hand to motion Sam to come towards you. "Come touch me, Sammy, I'm so wet for you, please."

He hums, hands running along the soft skin of your thighs. "You are fucking soaking, baby, fuck. All of this is just for me?"

***

"Oh my God, Sam, this view," you gush, pushing open the doors to the balcony of the hotel room. You looked out at the horizon, watching the waves as they wash up on the shore. He came up behind you, pressing a kiss to your cheek. His hands are steady on your hips. "You never told me why we came."

"You needed a getaway and I wanted some alone time with you, sweet girl." He spun you around his arms, hands finding your cheeks easily. His eyes search your face, smiling at you before bringing his lips to your own. They easily slide against one another, giving a show of affection for anyone's eyes to see.

simple season | a fake dating(ish) au

"I don't really see your reasoning for dragging me out here." He spoke, jaw clenching as his hand went towards your hip, the other hand grasping for your own. You keep your cheek next to his, attempting to find some semblance of an answer before giving one.

"They forced us to walk together down the aisle because you and I cannot get along. If we pretend like we've settled our differences, maybe they'll stop trying to fucking get us together."

***

You chewed at your bottom lip, nerves wracking within you from the deepest pit of your stomach. You tried to keep your attention on the task ahead of you, meet Sam in the middle, allow him to walk you down the aisle, and separate ways to stand along with the other bridesmaids for at least a solid hour.

The doors opened, allowing you to see Sam in his suit. Your breath caught in your throat, making your nerves wash away and become butterflies instead. You felt childish in the way you were feeling. You felt a slight kick to the back of your leg from Melanie, forcing you to step forwards and out towards Sam.

You put your hand in the pocket of his elbow, exhaling through your nostrils. "You look rather beautiful, don't you?"

"You don't have to pretend to be nice to me for the sake of everyone else," you whispered back, offering smiles to everyone you walked passed.

"I'm not pretending, Y/N, not today."

#teasers #demon!sam teaser #barbarians teaser #re: demon!sam #re: barbarians #re: cinderella #re: simple season

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starshipsofstarlord · 3 years

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The Sheriff and the Murderer

Part Five

Series masterlist

Summary | whilst spending time in the shower with you, Lee notices that there are a few things missing to the household, like any mention of your husband. And thus, he does what he originally came to your house to do, and speak with you about his strange disappearance.

Warnings | smut, shower sex, oral sex (f receiving), very slight sheriff kink, cum swapping, mention of death, swearing, some fluff, angst

Quick link to my masterlist, if you’re interested in reading more of my crap 😬

Water ran down the curves of your body, as Lee caressed your ribcage from behind, his fingertips dancing along your skin, with water showering down upon the pair of you, flattening your hair in its spray of passion upon the back of your neck. The man behind you nursed the tip of his nose along your shoulder line, pressing supple kisses upon the blades, enforcing you to hum contentedly.

This is what you had always wanted, this one individual person making sweet love to you, he was your home, not these four walls, nor the tiles that were configured around you. Lee Bodecker was the man of your dreams, but mama and papa had always told you, that dreams were not realistic, they were pits of gold that would drive you made. And maybe, you were a tad mad, after all you had murdered your husband, and gone through with burrowing his body parts in the wild.

The worst part was, as panicked as you were, in that moment, you had felt crazed, as though a true part of yourself was released as you beat his motionless form, spilling further blood around. With Lee, you felt severely calm, soothed with the quiet presence of him puckering pursed kisses down onto your spine, as he swiftly turned you around, pressing his nose against your own as he slithered his addictive hands down, probing at your waist with them to grind his cock against your stomach, fingering the dips of your body.

A stuttered breath left your lips as his tongue traced your lips, prompting you to open the oral depths of your fence of teeth, allowing him to enter the shallow insides of your conversing cavern, tangling the tip of his tongue with your tonsils, your hands tracing up to stifle upon his jaw, feeling the light and dampened stubble across the firm and well aged structure. He backed you into a corner, grasping your hips as his beverage bloated stomach pressed against your own, making your heart swell with adoration.

“Take me Bodecker, consummate me as though I were your own bride.” It was impossible not to allow the words to slip out, and it made Lee groan into your mouth, the sound echoing and reverberating around your entire body. He wanted there to be some momentous truth to support your spoken scenario, for the pair of you to wed in an instant, even if it were to be in the lack of spaciousness proximity of the bathroom shower, that had an inkling of mould brewing in the far top corner, and a few cracked tiles splintering in random placements.

“Thought you’d leave me hanging forever.” The sheriff groaned, stifling his hard cock in his hand, as he bent his knees, using his physical leverage to hoist you into his law enforcing arms, enabling you to wrap your tense legs around the curves of his behind, grasping his flesh closer against your own. “Tight, so tight baby doll.” He gritted his teeth, as he ran his teeth along your slit, just in time before he sunk his hungry cock through your folds, stretching your walls to accommodate his size.

“Lee Lee.” Your voice muffled into the crease of his neck, as you felt obscene pleasure as he stilled inside you, allowing you to adjust to his pulsating length within your pussy, whimpering lightly at the sensation of his entirety, suctioning your lips against his cleansed skin. “Fuck me sheriff, I want to feel every inch of you.” You nestled against him, sending moans directly into his ear as Lee began to rut up into you, his balls slapping against your ass cheeks, as he delivered intimate bites along the side of your neck, though nothing too harsh to leave prominent and dark marks into the canvas of your skin.

“I-“ Lee frowned, his blue eyes reeling shut as he picked up the rate of his thrusts, feeling himself succumb to an immoral pleasure that the preacher would subject against; adultery was against the beliefs within the house of the father, but in the moment either one of you could care less. In fact, it sounded like Lee cared a little too much as his next words passed through the air like a dream similar symphony, that bundled in your ears, leaving you feel conflicted with emotions. “I love you.”

And then he came, filling you with his seed, as he pulled out, dropping to his knees, watching his white gold spill down your thighs. He dragged his tongue over his source, moving closer to your lips to seep below the outer folds, devouring his flow of essence, realising that the first hand taste of himself wasn’t so bad after all. Your hands sewed around the blunt and short hairs of his head, as he swirled your clit into his mouth, the rest of his seed painting down onto his chin, content to continue eating you out until he made you revel into a spiritual space, blinding you into a hot white light, that had you falling back against the chipped dirty blue tiles.

“Oh my god.” You whimpered, eyes blurring with galactic, starry irised tears until your vision returned to vivid clarity. “Lee Lee, come up here.” He stood, his own cum still orbing in his mouth, as he began to kiss you, swapping his taste into your mouth, smirking lightly to himself as you gulped down the extraction of him. “I love- you know.” You shook your head, hardly wishing to say it aloud, considering all that had happened the last time that you had uttered those words to someone, even if you had not actually mean them.

“I need to hear you say it gorgeous, so that I know that you mean it. I’ve waited all these years, practically my entire life, so please, for the love of the law, say it.” He grasped your jaw, caressing your nose once more with his own, sharing breaths with you. His eyes bore into your own, his hand resting again the back of your neck to bring your face closer to his own.

“I love you Lee Bodecker. I really do.” You spoke softly, feeling the water spitter coldly upon your pores, reminding you of how long the two of you had been under its spay. You pecked his lips, running your hands up along his chest, your palms cascading over his pebbled nipples, as you felt him delicately tickle your flesh beneath the flow of your hair. “You were the one I should have married. It always should have been you.” Tears began to pelt out from your eyes, spilling as you thought of how much of a life you had missed out on with him.

The sneaking around had amounted to much stress, the secrecy arising pressure in your lives that felt over the top, all while whilst being worth it. “I fucked up, so bad. I married the wrong man all because I was a young naive girl that thought you deserved better, and you do. The things I’ve done, this life I’ve amounted into, I never wanted it. The one thing I’ve always wanted was you, and I let you get away, all whilst never letting you go.”

Your fists lightly began to beat against his chest as you sobbed, thinking of how previously there had been blood and dirt encasing them, serving as evidence for your unforgivable sins. “Baby girl, it’s okay. We’ll figure things out, Simon is the only thing holding us back from finding a new way to live, by chance, have you found him?” It was not only his way to ensure you with whims of comfort, retelling you that you could find a way to publicly be together, but to also uncover the destination of your missing husband.

“Found him?” You frowned, confused by what he meant. He nodded, racking his fingertips down the side of your face, as you peppered light kissed along his soft skin. “Whatever do you mean darling?” A large part of you was severely worried about the situation; it was a great secret that you did indeed know of his whereabouts, he was in deep, in a literal sense. You’d know, considering that you, along with Sally, had buried him six feet under, and prayed cursively that no one would find his remains.

“Yes, he’s been required at the police station, though none of us have been able to find him. Do you have any idea where he is, I figured you’d be the best person to ask.” It all clicked, and you stepped away, softly shoving his chest as he tried to come closer to you. The tears continued to flow, flooding your face like a broken dam, as you felt overcome with a conjunction of newfound prospects.

“This is what this all was, wasn’t it? That’s why you came here, but instead of firstly asking me where Simon was, you decided to get in my pants! How could you Lee, you made me feel vulnerable, convincing that you loved me so that you could pick my brain.” Cradling your own scalp, you felt how your head was ready ready to implode. Everyone tended to use you for their own dirty deeds, and here Bodecker was, doing the exact same thing.

“No, y/n. That’s not what-“ he realised that you were near on right, he had buttered you up physically, though he had gotten quite distracted from his original ploy. “I’m sorry, but I meant it. And I thought that we would be able to speak like this like civil adults, neither of us have anything to hide.” You did, and the only way to keep it concealed was to push him away, and thus you climbed out of the shower, grabbing a towel and covering your nude body with it.

Lee fumbled after you, grasping his clothes as he exited the bathroom, following your footsteps as you raked your mind obsessively. “Y/n/n please don’t push me away, I want you, and I just need an answer, otherwise you’ll be swarmed with strangers questioning you on Simon, and we both know there’s many things that they don’t know.” Instead, you turned and watched as he clicked his belt together, his eyes pleading at you.

There were many things that he too did not know, and such secrets you did not intend to share with him. Rubbing your eyes, you glanced at the wedding ring that was encrusted upon your vowed finger, grimacing at the sight of it. “Just leave Sheriff, I’m sure you can finish your duties elsewhere. This case better be pretty important if you’re willing to use me for it.” Crossing your arms, you tensed your nostrils, glaring hurtfully towards the man that you currently felt everything towards. “And no, I haven’t seen him, so you can write that down when you get in that car of yours, and drive away from me, for good.”

“I didn’t mean for that darling, please don’t reject me now.” His voice cracked, plodding backwards as he felt his heart stutter rapidly in his chest, cracking at the edges as he saw the brokenness on your features. “I love you, and I’m leaving. But this isn’t the end, we’re going to sort this out once you’re not so tense about all this.” He pointed at you, staring endearingly as he exited your front door, shock falling down his face in liquid pebbles as soon as it slammed behind him.

There were things that you couldn’t tell him, but there was one thing that you had already confessed. You loved him, always had, and it was sure that you always would. You weren’t y/n Priot, you were y/n y/l/n, the girl that had snuck around with him, for vast amounts of years, and had definitely married the wrong man. It had hurt you that he had not showed up at your wedding, though it had always been understandable why. He loved you too, and he would prove it, more so when he got to the end of the case concerning your missing husband.

taglist for this specific series; @charmed-asylum @tcc-gizmachine @stucky-my-ship @brynthebulldozer @acciosiriusblack @lady-loki-ren @bxnnywriting @severewobblerlightdragon @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable

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hoeneypirate · 3 years

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River Bath

Yamato x fem!reader

MINORS DNI SMUTTY SMUT TIME

Yamato and reader meeting up as they make the way back to the village during the pain attack. They’re already close friends and both secretly pining for the other. After reader washes his hair in the river after the first day of cleaning up the village, quiet sexy times happen. Reader also has been trained by Tsunade so she has the ability to summon a slug, that’s how she knew what was going on in the village.

“Yamato” you say as you hop from the tree down beside him as you both ran

“Y/n something going on with the village, naruto-..” you cut him off

“yes I know. I’m headed there myself.” A small slug moves from your back to your shoulder

“Naruto is fighting the Akatsuki member Pain in the Village. Pain has destroyed the village and naruto is transitioning into the nine tails” the small slug said in her soft voice

Yamato curses under his breath and then yells “no! We’re too late!” As he watches his palm change signaling the ninth tail.

You both stop in the middle of the forest, his distraught facial expression as he looks at his palm

“Yamato” you whisper and grab his hand softly with both of yours “it’s okay”

You watch the emotions swirling in his eyes before your arms are wrapping around him and you’re hugging him close.

He hugs you back without hesitation, burying his face in your hair as he has this internal battle. There’s nothing he can do to help Naruto or the village.

“I believe in Naruto” you say softly and his hands grip the back of your vest “he can get through this. We can rebuild the village”

You feel his body shudder and he takes in a shaky breath and then steals his nerves and pulls back with determined expression and a firm nod. He looked so handsome it made your heart flutter and cheeks warm.

“Are you okay? Your cheeks look a little flushed” he says and you clear your throat as you step away from him, looking away as you turn “yeah! I’m fine!” You say in a voice that just one or two octaves higher than normal “let’s get going” you say and he nods “right”

You’re silent for the most part, running through the forest as the small slug keeps you both updated with whatever was happening. You watched Yamoto’s shoulder physically relax when she said that Naruto stopped the nine tails himself and the pride in his eyes when she told you that he was able to talk to pain and convince pain to believe in him as well.

When you reach the village you stop and gasp. There was a crater where the village used to be. You instinctually grab his hand, squeezing it as you take it all in. You swallow hard and nodded “Where should we start?”

You helped evacuate and build tents in the outskirts of town where there was space. You spent the day following orders and working to the bone, at the end of the day, when your skin was sticky with sweat and your muscles spawned with aches, you took your extra pair of clothes that was in your pack, and disappeared down to the river after everyone had gone to bed.

The water was cold and felt soothing on your overworked body. You stayed near some bigger rocks in the middle to hide if necessary and to look up at the sky, admiring the stars and the calmness of the night after a battle.

“Y/n?” Your ears perk at your name and you spin the water to look back at the shore “yamato?” You ask with surprised chuckle, hands covering your chest even tho they were covered up by wate.

“We must have had the same idea” his voice sounds like he’s smirking

“Well it’s a big river I promise to look the other way and stay in my half” you tease and he nods before looking away when he sets down his things,you’ve both been to communal bath houses so it wasn’t too weird to share a river. You spun slowly back around and resumed looking up at the sky, listening to the sounds of him undressing before he walked into the water.

“It’s beautiful tonight” he says softly but it carries over the water like he was whispering in your ear. It sent a tingle down your spine.

“Yeah. No matter where I go, it’s always the most beautiful when I’m home” you respond, running your fingers through your hair and moving to a shallower spot where your toes could touch.

His eyes flick to you, your bare back in the moonlight looked so soft and beautiful. He looks through his pouch he set on the shore near a deeper end and then sighs “Do you have any shampoo? I seem to have forgotten mine”

Your face warms and you grab your small bottle “yeah. Meet in the middle?” You ask and he laughs “sure”

Swimming towards each other, you felt tension grow in your belly the closer you got. The closer you got to him the more you could see his face, his cheeks looked a little flushed and he had a small smile on his lips.

“Here you go. I hope you don’t mind the rose scented” you say softly and he chuckles, his hand holding yours around the bottle for a moment “I don’t mind. It will just remind me of you”

You gasp and feel your face heat up as he smiles, taking the bottle from your hands

“Yamato, do you think I..” you don’t finish your sentence feeling a little embarrassed

“Do you wanna wash my hair?” He asks with a small chuckle and you shrug with a shy smile “I think it would be nice”

He hands you back the bottle “but over there okay? There is a rock I can sit on” you nod and swim a bit beside him, grateful that it was too dark and you couldn’t see down in the water.

He dips his head back under the water to wet his hair and he meets your eye as you stand behind him, the river still covering your chest. You smile, feeling a little bare in this moment but also, it felt right somehow. Being here with him in an intimate moment.

You put some shampoo into your hand and lather it before applying it to the top of his head and moving your fingers down through his hair softly, down through the sides before your fingers card up through the back. His eyes fluttered closed as he let you wash his hair, a soft sigh falling from his lips as he let you take care of him. His heart fluttered and then melted into his butterfly filled stomach

“Your hair is as soft as I thought it would be” you whisper and he laughs softly “you’ve thought about touching my hair before?” He asks and raises his eyebrows.

you chuckle “yeah maybe I have” you admit and the smile in your voice makes his heart race.

“Okay, lean back” you command and he follows your order. His hands bracing against the rock and leaning back as you supported his neck as you rinsed out his hair.

His eyes were on your face, taking in your sweet features as he relaxed into your hand, the moonlight lighting up your face and making you look like a spiritual entity of the lake. After such a long day this is just what he needs, a moment where someone will take care of him and what better person to do that than the woman he’s in love with.

“Y/n” he whispers and you stop your hands, your eyes moving to meet his and smiling. “Yamato” you whisper back and he smiles “can I kiss you?” He asks and you gasp, then looking at how close your faces are together

“I-I.. uhh” you fumble through words, your face heating up to new levels as your fingers begin to rinse the rest of the soap from his hair. He smiles softly uo at you when he sees how nervous his question made you “it’s okay if your answer is no” he whispers and you smile, chuckling softly and meeting his eye again when the bubbles are gone.

“Thank you” you say and he stills for a moment as he waits for you to speak again, his heart aching for just a second until you say “but my answer is yes”

He laughs and leans up, moving from the rock to stand right in front of you. The water hits just above your breasts and just below his pecs as he cups your cheeks and dips down, capturing your lips with his own.

It all seemed to happen in an instant, you saying yes to him smiling sweeter than you’ve ever seen and then he was cupping your cheeks and his lips were on yours, electricity shooting through your system as you reached up to hold on to him, kissing him back as a soft moan falls from your lips.

Sure, you know you’re naked. You know he’s naked. But you also know you can trust him with your soul, even if this progresses you know you could say no or stop at any moment and he would.

Your arms wrapped around his neck as you pressed your chest to his, kissing him with fervor as you bury your fingers into his hair, pulling gently as he licks your bottom lip.

You brush your tongue against his and he moans, reaching down and grabbing your thighs, pulling you up to wrap your legs around his belly.

His hands roam your back, making sure to not touch you anywhere you didn’t want him too. You break away from his kiss and cup his cheeks, looking down at him as you breath heavily together.

“I’ve wanted to kissyou, for so long” he admits though pants and you press your forehead to his with a small breathless laugh “me too, Yamato. I really, like you” you admit quietly and his arms tighten around your back “I really like you too” he says and grins, his hands reaching down to grab you by your thighs and hold you a little high up his body, he doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable and doesn’t want you to notice how hard his cock was from feeling your bare chest against his, your hard nipples rubbing against his chest.

You weren’t dumb though, you guessed he’d be hard by being pressed together. You tighten your legs around him, so your warm cunt is pressed to his stomach as you move down to kiss and lick up his neck. “Did they tell you we’re sharing a tent? They did it randomly so no one would complain.” You whisper and feel his grip tighten on your thighs and a broken moan tumble from his lips.

“Do you want to finish up here.. then meet me back at the tent?” You ask and bite down on his skin for a moment “well I guess if we stayed here we could be a tiny bit louder than in a tent surrounded by our friends and village in other tents”

“Y/n. Please can I touch you?” He asks with a little desperation in his voice and you laugh “yes please. Please touch me Yamato” you mumble against his skin and his hands grip your thighs right before they slide higher to grab your ass. His lips find yours again and it’s rough and sloppy as your lips move together. He moves his hand father up, his finger sliding up through your slit, gasping into his mouth with his fingers brush your clit

“Let me hear you, pretty girl” he whispers against your lips as he begins to rub slow circles against your clit.

You moan into his neck, your hands gripping his shoulders tightly. “Yamato” you moan into his neck and you shudder when he bites into your neck, his tongue licking your skin as his fingers press down harder into your clit. You’re trembling against him, twitching against his fingers

“I’m gonna!” You gasp “I’m gonna cum!” You moan against his neck as you twitch in his strong arms, your hands gripping his shoulders tightly “cum for me pretty girl” he whispers and licks a stripe up your neck across the hickies he’s left.

His fingers press down harder and the cord snaps, your body twitching as you cum hard. His fingers slowly swirl around your clit as he kisses your neck softly as you whisper thank yous as you come down and catch your breath, you clit throbbing snd cunt clenching as the remnants of your orgasm course through your.

You lean back and press your lips to his, wrapping your arms around his neck “Yamato” you whisper against his lips “god I want you so bad but I also don’t want to get a river disease” he chuckles and kisses you back whenever your lips press to his “let’s go to the tent, we can be quiet” he’s moaning against your lips and you unwrap your legs from him and trail your hands down his strong chest, keeping eye contact with him as you bite your lip as you wrap your hand around the middle of his hard cock.

“Y/n” he moans out when your thumb rubs across the head. You lean up and kiss him one last time before swimming away, back to your stuff and clothes. You know he’s watching you as you you climb out of the river, you put on a little show as you hastily throw on a shirt and your pants and shoes.

He pulls himself out of the water by the time you’re fully dressed, you hold in a moan when you get a glimpse of his cock outside of the water. “Like what you see?” He asks and you stand, throwing your pack on your shoulder “I’ll show you just how much” you say before disappearing into the forest and back to the tents.

He opens the tent flap and you’re standing next to a lamp, in one of his shirts you found by his cot. He groans and bites one of his knuckles as he drops his pack to the dirt and turns, zipping the tent shut before turning back to you.

You look him over, from his damp hair to his shirt, his previous dirt stained shirt? that was thrown on a wet body. Your eyes trail down his chest to his hips, biting your lip when you see how hard he is. Your thighs rub together, your slick between your slit rubbing and turning you on more

“Please Yamato” you whisper breathlessly and he crosses the tent in one step and cups your cheek, capturing your lips with. You melt into him, one hand gripping his shoulder and the other softly palming him through his pants.

You kiss down his jaw to his neck “I need you inside of me” you moan into his ear is a low tone that only he could hear and bite his neck. He groans as his cock twitches against your palm through his pants but he can’t take it anymore he needs to feel his body presses into yours.

He grabs your ass and pulls you easily up into his arms before laying you gently down on one of the cots. You blow out the lantern then pull his shirt over his head “y/n” he moans breathlessly into your neck

“Wait!” You whisper out and he immediately stops, pulling back and getting off you in a second, looking down at you in the dark with your eyes barely adjusted

“No I didn’t mean get ..”. You chuckle softly and shake your head as you stand again. You slowly pull off your shirt watching and then grabbing his waist you lean up and kiss him softly, smiling sweetly as you take your time undoing his button and zipper, pushing his pants down he kicks them over to the other cot and then cups your cheeks

“Is that all?” He asks, his voice deep and gruff but quiet enough and growled into your ear. You cup his jaw gently and place the softest kiss he’s ever had against his lips and it makes his head spin.

He sighs softly and presses his forehead to yours for a moment “I feel like the luckiest man” he whispers and you chuckle, brushing your fingers across his skin softly as you bury your hands in his hair. “Please tell me you’re mine” he whispers out, his voice deep and like he was barely holding on. You chuckle and look into his eyes “if you are mine, Yamato, I am yours”

His lips crash into yours with a renewed fervor. Passion on his rough lips and tongue as it runs against yours. You hold in your moans as he grabs your ass and lifts you up again, his fingertips digging into your skin as he carries you over to the cot again.

He lays you on your back slowly, kissing down your neck, he moves to go lower, desperate to taste you but you whine and reach down to wrap your hand around his length. “Need your inside me” you whisper into his ear and he holds in a moan by biting your shoulder as you rub him up and down through your slick.

His head catches and you silently gasp as he pushes the head in. You claw at his back as he slowly presses into you inch by inch. You kiss and lick at his neck as he grunts quietly against your skin. You feel him bottom out and you gasp, panting heavily underneath him, it’s taking all your concentration not to make any noises.

“You’re so big” you whisper against his ear and he shudders, slowly pulling out of you and sliding back in slowly. You were so wet the sound of squelching sounded way too loud. You tell him to wait for a second and then have him move to his side. You throw your leg over the top of his hip and guide him back inside of you. You throw the small blanket over your waists to muffle some of the sounds as you slowly grind your hips together.

He watched your facial expressions, couldn’t tear his eyes away from you. Your eyes shone in the darkness, his heart was racing and stomach fluttering with the love he feels for you but the way you’re clenching around his cock makes his eyes want to roll back. How it was possible to be so full of love and lust at the same time it was like his world was exploding and imploding all at the same time god you felt so good around him.

Your barely audible gasps he was chasing, wishing he could hear you scream for him. In the back of his mind he already planning the home he’ll make with his jutsu, walls extra thick so you can be as loud as he just knows you will be. His home building plans fizzle away when your eyes widen and you grip his shoulders tight. “There” you whisper on an inhale and he nods, his hand coming to tease and rub your nipple as your bodies move together, his slow pumping and your hips matching the slow pace had your head spinning and breaths coming in quicker, your pussy throbbing as to feel your orgasm nearing.

You could feel your coil tightening, your skin was so hot you were so close, you bury your face into his neck, a quiet squeak of a whimper left your lips “cum with me yamato” you moan into his ear and he felt himself snap, his hips stuttering as he moves just a little bit faster, you bite down on his shoulder and a breathy quiet a moan he knows is taking everything out of you as you cum around his cock, squeezing around him deliciously as he cums inside of you, your warm cunt squeezing him and spasming as you came together. A string of “I love you. I’ve loved you. I’ll always love you” he’s whispering into your neck and you can’t help but respond in kind, confessing and returning his feelings easily.

You pant into each other as quietly as you could, if anyone was walking by you doubt that they would know anything. You were proud of yourself and him for keeping quiet. You feel him grow soft inside you and slip out as you stay pressed together in slick and sweat.

He presses light kisses to your neck and shoulder as your hearts and breaths return to normal. You laugh quietly and lean back, giving him a small peck before pulling yourself out of his embrace.

You wet a washcloth before wiping down your body while he watches you from the bed, a small relaxed smile on his lips. You grab another washcloth from your bag and wet it as he stands and comes over to you.

He goes to take it from your hand but you keep it, standing on your toes to kiss his chin before softly wiping it across his chest and stomach. You pepper kisses behind the washcloth as you wipe down his body. When you’re finished he pulls you into his arms and kisses your lips again “thank you, love” he whispers against your lips.

After dressing he lays down on the cot and you climb onto his chest “I really love you” he whispers into your ear “that wasn’t just a moment thing” you lean up and run your fingers softly across his forehead and down his cheek as you smile. You kiss the corner of his mouth and then lean into his ear “I really love you too.”

#yamato smut #naruto smut #yamato x reader #yamato x you #yamato x y/n #smut #idk what to tag this as

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kuvvydraws · 2 years

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Because Asks have a limit~

So thank you first darling, things were also a bit rough for me in the last end of the year. My Dad passed on and I am living by myself for now. Thankfully, not only has my spirituality kept me going, family kept me going, reminding me of the good times and helping me get better. Now I have a job, and am doing better for myself, a Renewal of Self so to speak. I am genuinely doing good. That lil update aside, i do have a ask for Ordago.

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Kuvvy's Edit:

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about you father, but I'm glad to hear you're doing better and have seen your efforts pay off and bring you to a place where you're good and doing better!

I've decided to put the rest of this submission under a cut because it's a naughty one, also long both in ask and answer, and that way I'll save people scrolling time while not having to make two or three posts out of this. Everyone wins!

Minors DNI 🔞 - explicit content ahead

Content warning(s): scent marking, body worship, lipstick kink

________

Ask:

I figure Ravi obviously would love it, but something about this big shy dangerous beast has my attention. So SO has set aside a day, and make sure his schedule is also clear. For the entire day, they stay in their room, bringing in a lil campfire stove so they can cook inside if they have to. For the Day, they spend as much time exploring every inch of Ordago, and telling him how much they love every single part of him, how much they care, how attractive he is, how strong he is, how they feel safe with him, just all that mushy, earnest stuff mixed with actions like touching, nuzzling, petting, cuddling, the works. And SO is still not done. They have him watch as they scent mark, every, single, piece, of clothing Ordago wears. Wearing his jackets, underwear if he wears any, shoes, pants, the whole shebang. They feed him, all his favourites (they learnt to cook em on the sly), and keep him warm sated and contented. They bring out the lipstick, glow in the dark type, and when the evening comes, the kiss, every single inch, when one shade fades, they use a different colour, By the time night has come, every bone on Ordago should be glowing in a neon rainbow. My question is obviously, what would be Ordago's reaction to this entire Scene and almost declaration of love, cause i imagine at points it gets really heavy emotional, but the good way, when warm feelings fill your chest and you have to find ways to let them out through words and action. Now though I am curious how Ravi would react to this.

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Kuvvy's Edit: I've changed the order of the answer to fit my usual routine, Raavi first then Órdago, I hope you don't mind it!

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Raavi

Raavi enjoys having as much private time with their SO as they can get, but romantic stuff, or spaces or actions where a lot of feelings are involved are very out of their comfort zone. Food is great, and they feel very grateful for their SO taking the time to prepare everything, to save a day to make it about them, and will tell and act like that - Raavi will stick closely by their SO's side, dropping as many kisses, light or intense, as they let them, even interrupting while they speak because they need the sugar. They like the compliments, they somewhat like the body worship, but the feelings that the actions carry make their throat close and their breathing get heavy. Raavi is not used to having them appreciated in intimate ways, and is much more comfortable with surface actions laced with lust and jokes.

The moment they find themselves in a serious, intense setting, all their insecurities boil and drown them, and Raavi might get very emotional. SO will need to give them a moment because Raavi will tear up and they're not down for showing that, no matter if it's their SO. Just... one second, let them come back to the game, SO caught them by surprise! It can be a bit rude, but Raavi will try to redirect the attention either towards their SO or towards snogging and fucking, and they're not above using kisses to shut them up if SO crosses a line and makes them cry a second time.

The petting and nuzzling brings them back to speed, and Raavi is going to be needy and whiny, a bit desperate and pushy as they try to get some action happening because they're at their limit and they need and outlet and not to think, and SO is being so good and tempting for them... They can't help themselves, and the softness will turn into hunger, their fingers greedy and pulling at SO's clothes to discard them and get access to some skin.

Their eyelights get huge when Raavi recognizes the glow-in-the-dark lipstick, and the prospect of getting kisses, their body appreciated, the markings showing up on their ecto, highlighted in the dark, and there are so many lipsticks to go through and SO seems so determined to use them all... Raavi is immediately pitching a raging tent, their body suit impossibly tight, their magic wild. Whether SO takes it all the way or not, Raavi will be panting, eyelights blown wide and fuzzy, sometimes trapped in the same shape too long, others flickering fast without settling.

They rather show their appreciation in ways that don't involve so many words, but first they need some relief, no matter if their SO participates or not. Raavi needs to blow off some steam now.

Órdago

Órdago is a bit myeh when it comes to someone taking care of him - he's not unappreciative of it, he's just not used to being on the receiving end of it outside of getting food. Then chances of his SO ending on his lap and thoroughly nuzzled to death as the day advances become higher and higher, and for every compliment he gets, Órdago will get bluer and whinier. He likes his value as a mate being openly recognized, it makes him very proud of being worthy, but more personal compliments will make him flustered and shyer, so SO needs to find a balance or he'll bluescreen sooner rather than later.

Órdago's bones are extremely sensitive due to his extra, excessive magic, and just getting petted or nuzzled will be enough to rile him up if he senses intense intentions from his SO. He's very easy to tease and provoke, and feelings get overwhelming for him when his SO is so strongly an directly involved. By this point, even without knowing there will be lipsticks involved in the rest of the evening, Órdago is already a panting mess, eyelights impossibly bright and unstable, his breathing ragged, his claws ripping the sheets under him. The second his SO brings out the lipsticks and he sees they're glow-in-the-dark, and they put it on, Órdago's eyelights turn into solid, wobbly hearts.

The first kiss gets placed, and Órdago will be glowing like a Christmas tree, and for every one that finds his way on his bones his self-control becomes weaker and his need to pull his SO up and ravish them gains more and more ground. He must be told to let his SO finish with the kisses because otherwise he'll be so close to the point of snapping he won't be able to stop himself. By the time his So is done with his ribcage, he already has a boner demanding attention, and if his SO must cover all of his bones, depending on how intense or dedicated the kissing becomes, he will cum without being touched. In his defense, he's very weak and inexperienced when it comes to sex, and his fuse is kinda short.

To give him some faith, he did give his SO a lot of warnings, alongside pleas and huffs and whiny whispers of their name, and Órdago definitely begged for a break at some point - but is up to his SO to give it, and watching him, the terror of the Underground, disheveled under one's hands, breathing erratic, bones glowing, tail swishing wildly, trembling in need... The sight is too powerful not to do nothing about it.

Órdago will become extremely needy after this day, for at least the rest of the week, and his instincts will go a bit haywire, screaming at him to get back at his mate, to retaliate and pin them somewhere and fuck them senseless, however he's allowed to do so, until the point of exhaustion. If his SO can still walk after he's done with them, Órdago will charge back and try again and again until he's achieved his goal or the safeword gets used.

#submission #kuvvytalks #raavi #órdago #hc #naughty #mdni #undertale

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boop-le-snoot · 3 years

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masterpost • main masterlist • taglist & faq

previously on...

Witchy stuff! Disclaimer: I am not a witch so please do not take my theory of theory seriously. This has been taken off first page of Google, which is where I did my research. First ironstrange x reader interaction & tony being sweet and stephen radiating wife energy.

fun fact: the moodboards are just chapter spoilers without context.

Whatever protection spell the book had, it was nuclear. Burn cream didn't do much in terms of numbing the pain; I had to wear gloves throughout my shift at the café, self-conscious about the skin peeling off my palms and the light, sensitive fingertips. Saying that the day was hellish would have been too kind.

My spirits were briefly lifted when one of my favourite mad scientists walked in, nose buried in a StarkPad - his chattier, more confident friend nowhere to be seen. Doctor Bruce Banner lifted his eyes from his work only to give a brief, polite smile and mumble his order, immediately resuming the poking of the screen.

"You forgot something last time," I couldn't suppress the grin. Sometimes routine was nice, comfortable. The napkin with unintelligible scribbles and formulas in my hand was transferred to Banner's pocket with a shy smile and a reddish tint to his cheeks, as if he didn't find himself in this very situation more often than not. "Is Mr. Stark okay?" I voiced my concerns, having noticed the recent, acute absence of the rowdy man in the café. Dr. Banner rarely came here alone and it was more of a telling exception than anything.

"Oh, Tony? Yes, he's fine," the scientist nodded absentmindedly. "He's on a small vacation with his boyfriend," the last part was said with puzzlement and incredulity and I had to remind myself that a forty-something scientist was unlikely to possess at least a halfway decent gaydar. I mean, I would have eaten my shoe if Tony Stark was 100% straight.

The fact that Tony having a boyfriend surprised Dr. Banner, who appeared to be one of Mr. Stark's best friends, was quite funny to me. "Good for him, he deserves it after saving the world, like, a bajillion times," I replied honestly, attempting to hide my good-natured snicker at Banner's obliviousness. Scientists, they just are a different breed, man.

The perplexion melted off Banner's face, leaving only supportive contentment. "That is correct," he nodded confidently, exchanging a bill for his matcha. "Thank you. And, uh, congrats on your new job," he added with another one of his not-quite shy smiles.

My cheerfulness vacated the premises shortly afterwards as I struggled to keep up with the endless stream of customers all the while my hands throbbed and burned under the nitrile gloves. I was ready to call it a day and just tell Jeremy I had an accident, but my pride wouldn't let me. I arrived at Odette's feeling less than stellar, running purely on spite and several cups of espresso.

It went about as good as expected, select few customers growing clouds over their heads at the slow pace I was assembling their orders: the fact that even witches had Karens of their kind was a fact that I found both amusing and alarming. It wasn't particular comfortable, knowing that I, or any other wait staff, was always at risk of being cursed for bringing them the wrong kind of cake or messing up their white suburban mom coffee.

"You could have asked, you know," Odette's slow drawl startled me out of the trance I'd put myself in to avoid focusing on the discomfort. "Come here, girl, I'll take care of it."

My face heated up immediately as I realized the tender skin of my grubby little hands was on full display. Odette must've put two and two together, seeing my sins written all over my scarred hands and my guilty face. Not wanting to invoke a negative reaction and get on her scary bad side, I let myself obediently trot into her office.

"I, uh," the eloquence of my speech - spectacular. I was ready to fall through the floor out of of shame.

"It happens sometimes," a round jar of what looked like buckwheat honey landed on the table. Odette massaged the thick gel into my palms with gentle circular motions, shushing my hums of pain in-between. "The book called for me in the same way it called to you. The only difference, it was my grandmother's at the time so the protection wards did not go off because I was family." My eyebrows rose at the calm in Odette's voice. Composed as ever, the witch looked more amused than upset by my little snooping stint.

The pain in my hands disappeared completely, a cool sensation I could only describe as minty enveloping them and spreading throughout my body. The chill was pleasant - I hadn't even realized my body had been running on higher-than-usual temperatures ever since I touched the book. Those protection wards Odette spoke of, they really packed a punch!

"I will teach you," she must've interpreted my stunned silence as curiosity, having made up her own mind in the seconds I was basking in my newfound relief. "We'll start slow. The transition from the material world into the spiritual isn't easy," Odette warned, locking her fingers, her magnetic eyes commandeering mine for utmost attention. "But it is incredibly rewarding. If you follow the rules, you will prosper. Our kind isn't plentiful these days, with people praying to gods that condone greed and selfishness," her lip curled in distaste. "Each one of us can make a large difference in this world. The opportunities you have been given need to be taken seriously."

My lip caught between my teeth as I mulled over the words my boss spoke with so my concern and conviction. Nothing in her speech sounded amiss; sure as she was, I was still mercifully given a choice. Odette's aura, that used to seem suffocating and dense, grew around me into a non-physical hug, a comfort akin to a mother supporting her child taking their first steps.

I eyed the sixty-something year-old, tall, imposing woman, scanning her for any deceitfulness, exhilaration and wariness sitting on my shoulders and whispering into my ears. True to myself, I gave into the side that craved and lived for adventure. "I would love to learn," hoping my voice conveyed the excitement and hopefulness of being a part of something special.

Odette smiled kindly. "I knew that," with a chuckle to herself, she reached into a set of drawers and extracted a few worn, plain notebooks. "Homework," the wink she threw at me instantly took ten years off her face. I couldn't even bring myself to sigh, only the sludge still covering my palms preventing me from making grabby hands in the direction of new information.

The bell rang before I could make another comment and I was let go with the instructions to wash my hands - and that's exactly what I did, having noted the short Asian man impatiently tapping his foot next to the front desk.

The man's name was Wong and he was the sole reason for my uncontrollable flares of temper during my work hours at the bodega. Odette herself avoided him like the plague, and for a good reason: his attitude was nothing short of conceited, as if the weird robes that he wore were some kind of a hall-pass to be a demanding asshole when it came to the store's wares.

Wong could spend up to forty minutes inspecting the baggies containing herbs and other knick-knacks, meticulously picking out what he considered best and curtly insulting the items he found to be lacking in quality. I was made aware he belonged to some sort of a sect or a cult of honest-to-god wizards; as if him looking like a worker of the Ministry of Magic didn't make that fact obvious. I was unpleasantly surprised at the fact that even witches, much like doctors, had elitist pricks among their kind - and Odette had the audacity to simply vanish whenever one of those robed people set foot in the shop, leaving me to use all my mental strength to try and not strangle the wannabe Karens.

I was willing to bet my favourite star-patterned scarf that Wong hexed the waiters who made him wait longer that he considered appropriate. I just knew it.

The anger, the frustration and at times, blind, total rage came in useful - and that was a surprise to me. According to Odette's notebooks, everyone had the potential to master magick - to an extent, each individual's threshold was, well, individual - but the more a witch was in tune with her emotions, her feelings, the higher the success rate of her spells grew.

The notebooks contained enough information for me to understand that Odette was considered a High Priestess (not to be confused with Head of the Coven - not all witches wanted to be a part of those) and the amount of power she held was quite impressive. No, she couldn't turn back time, she couldn't raise the dead; the people she helped and healed were, oftentimes, made well at the expense of her own life energy. It was an endless cycle of emptying a glass and refilling it back up. The deities lended a hand with that.

Some time after I'd gone through the theory, Odette encouraged me to choose a direction I was to study in depth; much like her, I was interested in the defensive rather than the offensive. Healing spells, protection wards and the occasional light hex to deter enemies from reoffending: I was disappointed but not surprised to learn the fact that curses and serious harm done to other people quite often backfired, harming the caster themselves as well as their victim.

I had always believed in karma, to a healthy extent, but these days I was that much more aware of how I treated those around me. That's not to say I became a pushover - I simply chose to smile rather than frown at the world and replaced my longing and envy with a sense of gratitude towards the things I already possessed. Just like Odette had said, layering the spiritual values over my material, earthly ones wasn't easy - it was hard work, and what prevented me from stopping when I felt exhausted was that it actually paid off.

As I got ready to cast my first serious spell, I ran through a mental checklist of things I developed - of sorts. Positive vibes only. Having vengeful intentions when warding off potential harm-doers was not only dangerous, it was counterproductive. Intentions mattered the most when casting a spell and I could end up killing all the innocent, stray cats in the area instead of making a burglar choose the neighbouring building some five months down the line.

The spell, I considered to be a success. The atmosphere in my home lightened, the dingy walls of my rental started radiating comfort and safety I hadn't felt since moving out of my parents' home. A slight tiredness persisted for a few days after the last candle burned out; Odette reassured that it was perfectly normal as I was a baby witch and my energy channels were adapting, growing to accommodate my newfound awareness and flow of cosmic energies that I was training to harness.

Next on my list was a personal protection charm, an antique silver locket adorned with stars I had scavenged in a local pawn shop. Odette had given me instructions on how to cleanse potential magical conductors: the amount of rings and jewelry she wore directly correlated to the power of a singular spell she could cast. There was a fine hairline between charging your accessories and letting them drain you and I learned to walk South of it the hard way, but as all learning processes go, eventually I found my middle ground and was successful.

My daily routine grew small rituals like the forest trees grew moss. Slow and steady, I was transitioning from a curious baby witch into a self-sufficient practitioner of magic. Sounds crazy, I know, coming from someone who could barely believe into aliens until Thor himself had walked into the coffee shop and ordered a latte, but as all things do in life - I changed.

Working the morning shift allowed me to discreetly place a few of the good-luck charms I had made during my most recent creative stint. While they didn't have a direct effect on the customers or their tipping habits, the atmosphere on the cafe's premises had lightened enough that even Jeremy's usually sour face tipped more towards neutral these days.

The smile blossomed on my face without effort as I caught the tell-tale bespoke suit and sunglasses of the man waltzing through the doors of the café as if he owned the place. "Nice to see you, Mr. Stark. Enjoy your vacation?" I asked the smirking man, giving a respectful once-over to the tall, lithe man holding onto his shoulder.

"It's Tony," the happiness was radiating off him in waves. "Missed my favourite coffee shop and the world's nicest barista," he winked at me, causing the man behind him snort, steely blue eyes studying me in turn. "Had to introduce my two favourite people," the engineer took a step back, parting his arms with a flourish gesture. "Stephen, Starlight. Starlight, Stephen," he spoke before rattling off his usual order. And a cake on top.

I gave an amused grin to the man obviously humoring his significant other, as Stephen mock-bowed in my direction. "You're right, how could we be together without the approval of your favourite barista?" Stephen had his wits. I decided I definitely liked him. "Starlight? Is that a nickname or were your parents hippies?" Okay, witty bordering on rude. Was Stephen a lawyer?

"Now, now, honey," the crinkles around Tony's eyes deepened as he barked out a laugh. "No need to be jealous. We're all adults here, we can share. There's enough of me for everyone."

I rolled my eyes, easily slipping into the familiar banter. "Speak for yourself, Mr. Stark. I'm very selfish," I cocked an eyebrow, tilting my head to the side and pretending to size up Stephen. "You've outdone yourself this time," Stephen's eyebrows rose. The line between 'sizing up' and 'checking out' was so very fine and I walked it well, a quiet sort of confidence that had bloomed within me at the recent events in my life letting me be slightly bolder that allowed myself to be before. "I'd have to be the Devil myself to break up such a blessed union. My congratulations," my smirk grew into a warm smile as Tony beamed at me in return, content on showing off his most recent acquisition.

Who, by the way, looked a little bit lost. Evidently, Stephen did not expect such a degree of familiarity between me and Tony; which was, to be honest, most likely what had him returning to the establishment over and over. Come for the coffee, stay for the company. Or how was it?

The energy between Tony and Stephen was electric. There was something undoubtedly attractive, magnetic even, about the tall, steely-eyed man, something similar to Odette's charismatic pull but without the overwhelming ossification of the air around her. Even putting aside the fact that Stephen was a visually stunning person with his sculpted phisique and high, sharp cheekbones, he commandeered the attention to himself without even uttering a word. Definitely a lawyer, with how the type could hold the whole courtroom together with a single look.

The early birds on a Friday were few and in-between; the three of us chatted as the two men sipped their coffees with muted noises of joy. According to Tony, Fiji was delightful this time of the year. Oblivious to everything around him, the engineer rambled about his ventures without a care in the world as his partner looked up to him with earnest happiness and I- well, I wished I could go to Fiji, hot boyfriend optional. The weather in NYC was slowly becoming dreary: I did not look forward to winter sludge and the traffic congestions that it created.

"And I love what you've done with the interior. Those cat statues? Charming," Tony rambled, pointing out the good-luck charms I'd placed all over the café. Small knick-knacks I carefully selected to match the overall vibe of the room. "Tell Jeremy I send my regards. Appreciate the lack of paps, too," he winked at me, looking visibly relieved.

"Huh?" The rag in my hands froze. "I haven't seen a single paparazzi around here, since, like, ever," I admitted, puzzled.

"And I appreciate it. Ever since our thing became public knowledge, they've been hounding me wherever I go," the eyeroll Tony made was truly powerful. "Whatever you're doing, keep doing it," and again, the engineer winked at me, apparently having made some assumptions of his own. "I won't tell if you won't."

The puzzlement persisted within me all throughout my shift. I lived in NYC, for fuck's sake, I wasn't unfamiliar with how things ran around here.

Every establishment I worked in had been swarmed with the annoying, persistent celebrity hunters at some point - and yellow press and paparazzi were, by far, the worst. Some of the greedier ones could go as far as to shove simple folk out of the way or order a cup of coffee with their camera hiding under the tablecloth to sneak in a juicy picture of a celebrity just trying to have their brunch in peace. I hated those vultures with a passion; their negative energy, their lack of morals when it came to hunting for a new scandal that would make them a few hundred bucks.

The only way to even slightly deter them was to repeatedly call the cops on them for public disturbance. I'd done it once or twice, egged on by Jerry and his worry of losing profit - after all, there were establishments known specifically for high rates of celebrity sightings and if any of the superheroes wanted to make an appearance, they would just go there for their cup of overpriced coffee and defrosted sponge cake. Our café was strictly for comfort and leisure - a rare thing me and my boss actually agreed upon.

As I said warm goodbyes to my favourite engineer and his newfound, dashing boyfriend, the cat statues stared at me in mute satisfaction, their hollow eyes radiating smugness and their immobile mouths stretched in what looked like pure, mocking mischief.

Taglist is open until the story is finished. Spare comment? 🥺

@couldntbedamned @mikariell95 @letsby @sleep-i-ness @toomanyrobins @mostly-marvel-musings @persephonehemingway @schemefrenzy @lillsxd @bluecrazedandbeautiful @slothspaghettiwrites

#bun writes #practical alchemy #tony stark x reader x stephen strange #stephen strange x reader x tony stark #tony stark x reader #Stephen Strange x reader #Tony Stark x you #Stephen Strange x you

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sabalith · 3 years

Text

Satanic Devotionals

Prayer of acknowledgment of Satan’s rulership

O mighty Lord Satan, God of this world, God of my flesh, God of my mind, God of my innermost Will! Every part of this world is within Your power. You are within every part of this world. Every part of me is within Your power. You are within every part of me. I am Yours, whether I serve You willingly or not, for I am myself, whether I am true to myself or not. Of my own free will, I now acknowledge Your power. Of my own free will, I now present myself to You.

Invocation to Satan

AVE SATANA! Hail, Satan, Lord of Darkness, King of Hell, Ruler of the Earth, God of this World! God Who invites us to become as gods! Muse of our civilization, Dread Enemy of its tyrant god! Satan, mighty Liberator, Bearer of true Light! God of our flesh, God of our minds, God of our innermost Will! O mighty Lord Satan, teach us to become strong and wise! Teach us to vanquish the enemies of our freedom and well-being! REGE SATANA!

Satanic Chant Of Alucarda And this what the devil does. He grants us virtues to expand his kingdom. The only valid one. God with his lack of knowledge does not understand this Truth, and oposes it with false thoughts and prayers. Satan! Satan! Satan! Our lord and master. I acknowledge thee as my God and Prince. I promise to serve and obey thee as long as I shall live. I renounce the other God and all the saints. Satan! Satan! Satan! Our lord and master. I acknowledge thee as my God and Prince. I promise to serve and obey thee as long as I shall live. Satan! Satan! I promise to do all the evil, as much as i can. I will draw everyone else to evil. I will declare your name to all, and will not cease to serve the Lord of Darkness. My body, my soul and my life belong to you. In Satan’s name Amen

PRAYER FOR GUIDANCE Teach me, Lord Satan, the knowledge of the ages Guide me in thy wisdom Let me feel thy presence and experience what you have for me Don’t let me be bound by irrefutable doctrines But lead me to true freedom Give me the strength to leave my comfort zone To explore that which is forbidden by those who believe they are wise Take away the fear that binds me Set me on my true path But if you don’t think I am ready, let it be as a sunrise Allow me to see your light as well as your darkness The fullness of who you are Satan, Melek Taus, Lucifer, Azazel If I could have anything, it would be to know your truth To believe in what is real Not in someone else’s insanity So as I walk down this narrow road Don’t let me be discouraged As it is you who have placed me upon it

BESTOW UPON ME SATAN Bestow upon me, Satan, the characteristics of the Dragon Overwhelming strength, vanquishing all weakness Uncompromising power, to manifest my will A fierce presence, in the face of my enemies Dreadfully protective, a shield for those I care about May its fire burn in my spirit, keeping the black flame bright Bestow upon me, Satan, the characteristics of the Serpent Possessing ancient wisdom, creative in my solitude Believably cunning, so I can make my way in life Extremely ruthless, when people attack In constant renewal, rising each day prepared to do your work May its venom run through my soul, till it consumes me Bestow upon me, Satan, the characteristics of the Peacock Prideful in appearance, always showing off my beauty Immortal spirit, living on throughout the ages Steadfast in everything, willing to go anywhere necessary Regal in stature, a presence to be reckoned with May its essence fill my body, making every step one of confidence Bestow upon me, Satan, the characteristics of the Raven Forever watchful, never ceasing to observe those around me Highly intelligent, knowing what to do in every situation A spiritual figure, so I can teach others about you Master of death, embracing it when my time has come May its darkness surround me, where every living being will feel you with me Bestow upon me, Satan, the characteristics of the Goat Stubborn in the face of adversary, never thwarted in my goals Fearless in the face of fear, doing what others dare not Courageous without limits, climbing every mountain in my way Wild to the point of abandon, free to be who I am meant to be May its energy ignite my faith and desire, forever holding high the horns of Baphomet

Satan’s Temple I have given you, Satan, my life force My blood spilt for your victory Come into me as I open myself Your essence consumes my soul I am yours… forever and eternally How could I love anyone more than you… it is not possible I live for you My body is yours to make your will manifest My mind I have given for you to create what you desire us to know My spirit declares your glory My soul is my ultimate sacrifice to you, my Master Satan, you fill my mind and transform me Darkness overcomes me, and I bask in its infernal pleasures Your presence surrounds me, therefore I am never alone With bended knee before your altar I have made eternal oaths that can never be broken May you always be glorified in everything I do Foundations have been shifted as you work in my life Where there once was light… there is darkness Where there was stagnation… now there is chaos Where there once was love… is hatred Satan, I am your temple I feel your presence increasing within me When people look at me, they see you As they feel me, they feel you I anoint them with my blood And when they drink of me, they drink of you I praise you eternally, Lord Satan Prince of Darkness, Ancient Serpent You are great and majestic With a beauty that shines more than the sun And darker than the deepest hole in the universe I embrace your darkness, I embrace your light With you, I have all I need Ave Satani!

PRAYER FOR SATANIST LEADERS Lord Satan Mighty One Wisdom Incarnate, Speaker of Knowledge I ask that you bestow upon us your blessings. Guide us, so we will serve you in the ways that you desire Give us strength, to keep us going when things get tough Bestow upon us wisdom, so we will know what to do in all situations Inspire us to encourage one another, instead of tear each other down So we will use our words to bless instead of curse Yet push us to stand tall when we face things that are wrong To fight if we have to, yet strive for peace Help us, Father, to be there for your children-both the adept and the new To guide them in learning what you have for them To encourage them not to follow anyone but you and to find their own path Let us not forget what it was like when we first came to you How you were gentle, kind and patient May we follow in your footsteps To love as you love, teach as you teach We are happy to be your servant; reveal to us the hidden things Try us; so we may be worthy of your affairs that you place in our hands Bestow on us your covenant as we trust in you Let us receive your counsel, not acting unless it is your will It is an honour to serve you, Lord Satan Thank you for choosing us May our lives be devoted to you; may we be a reflection of who you are to the world Watch over us and bless your people Lord and Mighty Satan, may it be done according to your will

PRAYER OF THANKS Satan For all the things you mean to me, I thank you For the joy in my heart, the life in my spirit, I give you thanks Satan, Father, you give me a reason to live You give my life meaning Every day is a treasure in which you encourage me to grow You nudge me to enjoy every minute The signs you give me, I treasure The dreams you send, they guide me Your presence reassures me I am not alone, for that there are no words Energy you give when I am weak Strength you pour into my being when I must walk the difficult walk When I am sad, you comfort me When people hurt me, you let me know you are on my side You are everything I will ever need You’re my Father, who I go to with everything My Teacher, who guides me in all knowledge My Protector, when I am in danger My Creator, who made me who I am And above all, Satan, you are my God with whom I will spend eternity Thank you, with all my heart Thank you, from the depths of my spirit Thank you, with all that I am

Prayer of the Satanic Warrior Oh Satan, you give us the power to trample the remnants of Christianity that is left in this world Fill us with your essence Let it run through our veins, our souls, our minds… our entire being We trample on the cross… we spit upon the book of lies… we desecrate the virgin whore Forever standing proud against the Abrahamic ‘god’ We blaspheme his holy spirit and laugh at his suffering Inspiring those in shackles to break free from his tyrant ways Entice them to take that precious bite, where they will be delivered forevermore You are the mighty one, Lord Satan And have bestowed upon us the knowledge that has made us what we are today We hail your name and stand strong with you for all eternity Inspire us even further to do the work you have for us To be warriors for you in this world and beyond Standing up to our enemies and yours alike We honour you through our words, our actions, our thoughts Each day that we live upon this earth, may we grow stronger in wisdom and in our love for you You are our Father, our Teacher, our Muse, our Everything We have taken your mark in dedication And the universe will know that we are yours Place your mighty hand upon us and lead us further down your infernal path Hail Satan!

PRAYER FOR EMOTIONAL HEALING When insecurity hits me like a raging wind Be with me, Father Satan When doubt strikes me like lightning Remind me of truth When fear over powers me Hold me in your wing, Great Dragon If pain grabs me like a claw Heal me, with your mighty power When depression fills me as water in a well Shower my soul with joy, Beautiful Peacock Angel Anxiety creeps through my mind, taking over my thoughts Place me on solid ground When I feel I am not good enough, Make my spirit shine as a star, Wise Serpent And if I feel that it is too hard to go on Give me strength

Prayer Upon Waking At the start of this new day, Lord Lucifer My thoughts are of you and I know you are with me I give this day to you Lead me to walk your path without hesitation To places where I will gain wisdom To sources where I will gain knowledge And where I can make a difference for you Push me so that no minute will be lost to laziness, inactivity or boredom So I will be the best that I can be in all areas of my life Watch over me this day Protect me from my enemies Wherever I am, may people see you in me And in everything I do, may you be honoured

Prayer Before Sleep At the end of this day, Lord Satan I thank you for each gift that you have bestowed upon me For teaching me ancient ways For experiences both good and bad that has made me stronger For the people you have taught me through For the pleasures in which I have partaken As I sleep, I ask that I may enter your dark realm So that I may be in your unholy presence Guide me, Satan, unto yourself And may I be forever grasped in your mighty wings.

A General prayer

Father Satan, I call to you from the deepst parts of my heart, I praise your name with every breath of my body, I worship you with every fibre of my being. You shown me what true strength is. you have shown me what true love is. Out of the darkness you came to show, me the true light. My master, my father and my friend what a great gift that is. Hail to the King! A PRAYER FOR DIRECTION Lord Satan sometimes life is hard, and now and then we get lost down the path of love and hate, Not sure of which direction to take. we ask that you always be our compass to guide us in the right direction. A prayer for a death Father Satan, This life has ended but the journey has only just begun. I ask you to guide my friend to the next stage of existance. May their soul forever retain the joy and love it once knew.

Thou Art Thou art the storm in the sky which brings the thunder of old, worshipped and coveted by Man Thou art the force of desire which enters the flesh, and that which enraptures the spirit more than the Christ ever could Thou art the eternal seed by which you propagate yourself again and again Thou art the wild bronco that never bends to anyone’s will, the deviant troublemaker that will always pervert the establishment Thou art competition, lust, greed, wrath, envy, pride, desire, love and all the glories of human nature Thou art the figure in black who is pleased to meet you Thou art Sathanas Thou art the highest of lords Thou art force pitted against force Thou art the one who unlocks the freedom of mankind Thou art the sword by which the tyrants are destroyed, the slaves are freed, the weak becomes strong and the servile becomes the master Thou art the demiurge and the devil, matter and spirit, the master of this world and the Lucifer frees the minds of its inhabitants Thou art the deities rebuked by the Christians, the Jews and the Muslims Thou art that which some might describe as the will to power, to ascend above all others and to take what is yours Thou art Sathanas Thou art the highest of lords Thou art the exalted goat of Mendes, the rebel chief, the lord of this world and the prince of the powers of the air Thou art the one whose magicians honour your name with their spells, their signs, their deeds and their egos Thou art the timeless meme of the force of beast and man, of that which shapes life, matter and spirit – that force which shapes us Thou art the natural superior to both the religions of old and the religions of new, all of which demand the sublimation of the individual Thou art the noblest inspiration of the artist, the creator and even the righteous who try in vain to rebuke thee Thou art the one to whom I commit myself, from the summer of 2013 until the end of time, as the ideal that I strive to follow Thou art Sathanas Thou art the highest of lords Devotional

“I believe in the Holy God, the Lord God Satan, the creator and giver of life. I acknowledge that in all the Universe there is nothing as beautiful and perfect as Satan. I come into your Holy presence and bow before your Magnificent Satanic Splendor. I open my heart and I ask that you come into my life and be my Lord and Master. From this day forward I renounce the God of the Bible and I worship only you, for you are the one true god. I accept you into my heart as my Lord and Savior. In Satan I am a new creation, born again, not of corruptible seed, but of the incorruptible seed of Satan. I open my soul and humbly receive the Sacred Satanic Seed into my mouth. I open my soul and humbly receive the Sacred Satanic Seed into my ass. From this day forward I am free from the bondage of guilt and shame, for there is nothing I may do in dedication to the glory of Satan that is forbidden. All that I am and all that I have I offer as gifts given freely to You. Accept my body and my soul a living sacrifice for Your glory. You are my life-source, and I am your sacrifice. Consume my every thought. Fuel my every desire. Create in me a Satanic-mind, that my thoughts may be of You and only You. I give all my love to You, for there is no other God worthy of my love. I devote my life to You, for there is no other God worthy of my life. I worship You with all my heart and soul, for there is no other God worthy of my worship. I lift my voice in praise to You, for there is no other God worthy of my praise. I offer my body a living sacrifice for your glory, for there is no other God worthy of my sacrificial offering. I surrender my eternal soul to You, for there is no other God worthy of my soul. This is, and will forever be, my eternal covenant. I will bow down and worship no other God but Satan.

Praise Satan. Hail Satan.”

Goddess we also worship. Blessed Whore of Babylon Goddess Jezabel Goddess Lilith

Hail Satan

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spiritualgateway · 3 years

Text

The Next Wave

written by Steven Black:

We seem to be experiencing a boom of old conspiracy theories. Sometimes woven into a new coat, but at the core they are the same old black and white stories. Is it also true that all the conjecture, relativization, fake news and various conspiracy theories that are currently surfacing annoy the hell out of you? I have to be very careful about the sarcastic part of myself and therefore I keep myself from commenting. Not always, but mostly.

Whenever I open my FB Stream lately, I notice a real war being waged by the self-proclaimed awakened against the alleged sleeping sheep. One „have to know“ after the other is posted and „THE Truth About“ is announced – daily. I know this all too well.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

Yes, I went through a phase myself where I believed a lot of bullshit or at least thought it was possible. It started in the late 90’s and ended in 2012, and during that time I probably inhaled every existing conspiracy theory and read all the authors who spread it with a fervor of conviction. Starting with David Icke, Jan van Helsing, Robin de Ruiter and countless others, up to Alex Jones. Hell, I myself have contributed to the spread of such stories. The subjects they dealt with back then were not really different from what they are today.

Me and many other people, we thought we were „awakened“ then, because we believed we could understand the world more and better, like everyone else. Critical comments were countered with „inform yourself properly“ and immediately some links of „alternative points of view“ were thrown behind, which confirmed our own statement. And one could be sure that other participants who took the same bubble would shout down the critic as „mainstream sleep sheep“. No matter what argument came up – it did not reach anyone. In this phase one is not accessible to criticism, one fends it off. But if the criticism is so valid that it cannot be negated, one still had the recourse to some whataboutism.

It was a time when it was all about „the rise“ and all the political or economic daily news was seen as „there is light coming into the darkness“. We knew that the „end of the matrix“ was near and that a worldwide recalibration of consciousness was coming. We thought of ourselves as light warriors, critics of the system, rebels for the good and enlighteners. Fervently inspired by the conviction that we had all taken the „red pill“ and would now be the only ones to see clearly, we wanted to wake up and enlighten „the sleeping sheep“. In doing so, we constantly reminded them that it was absolutely (!) necessary to do research, think for oneself and question everything! Only WE knew, all others were of course stupid, brainwashed or sleeping. We were the judges, jurors and executioners of the worldly realities – self-proclaimed world policemen and smartass activists. We alone knew how the rabbit had to hop and how it „should be right“.

Pffff. When I look back on it now, I can laugh about it heartily. God, what a wonderful mindfuck.

Yes, if we had done it like that.. If we had heeded this „winged advice“ that we had thrown at everyone, we would have taken it to heart ourselves. If we had questioned the sources we referred to and believed. Instead, our own thinking, research and questioning was limited to almost everything that came from alternative media and supported our views. Official facts, whether political, economic or otherwise, were „mainstream“ and thus fundamentally untrustworthy. It was all just propaganda … (yes no, that’s clear).

This made us susceptible to believe people and media that had either a political or other agenda. Starting with racist Jew haters, religiously dressed up ideologues, political muddle-heads, esoteric concepts without any grounding, up to „doomsday fanatics“.

But we had heard a call from the universe that the time had come for an expansion of consciousness. It felt like a kind of magical awakening. And I, as well as everyone else in that time who was like that, we were not the first. There have been recurring, rather small movements since the 1950s. But there was a really big, concentrated shift of consciousness in 1986, at the time of the so-called „Harmonic Convergence“. One can certainly call this the first great wave of lightworkers and truth seekers that the world has perceived.

They did not fare much better either. These people, too, had to rummage through various horror scenarios, actual and imagined injustices, as well as their own overflowing imagination. But the basic themes were the same as they still are today. They are power topics (power and powerlessness), money topics, resistance to living, dying and all kinds of heavy, undigested emotional burdens. At that time, all of this was going on a little more quietly, at least in the eyes of the public. These topics were only discussed in small forums on the early Internet.

And today?

Today, the „social media“ are full of them and various shit storms are spilling over into the media mainstream.

Today the exact same process is taking place, in a new wave of people who have come in the beginning of their own awakening process. Awakened can not be spoken of, it is a slow awakening and it usually takes years.

One „wakes up“ from years of unconscious dwelling within one’s own personality structure, which has usually become quite rigid. One gradually enters into a new process of self-discovery, where many things are simply thrown over, which were normal and acceptable until then. The sense behind this is a broadening of perspective and a restructuring of mental expression.

Yeah, right. They got a call from the universe.

And at first you are thrown into confusion and disorientation. You will also have the feeling of stumbling around in a seemingly endless labyrinth. Individually varying degrees of identity loss can occur, which additionally creates fear. Many things seem to make no sense anymore, you part with friends, views and previously held beliefs, while at the same time you have the feeling that you can no longer find a secure hold anywhere. A well known, often observable reaction to this is a devaluation of the human being, the body, the mind or the human identity itself. In the course of this process one stumbles from one conspiracy theory to the next, constantly stepping on a bullshit cookie and sometimes not knowing whether one is male or female.

Can you prevent this? No idea. Most probably not.

That doesn’t mean that everyone who gets into this process is clinging to conspiracy theories and thinking they are THE thing or the only and pure truth. But a lot of people do just that. In a time of great personal uncertainty, the one-dimensional black and white images of conspiracy theories seem to simulate an unpleasant but seemingly stable reality.

Basically, an essential scenario is happening here – your consciousness is being twisted through the wringer and a kind of battle is taking place inside you. A battle between your old consciousness and the new, unknown. The old consciousness knows only defense and projection, but the new one wants to reflect and express itself mainly through self-reflection.

This inner fight has nothing to do with any Rockefellers, Rothschilds, Bill Gates, vaccinations, cash bans, paedophile satanists, mind control or whatever. In reality, „the universe“ is fucking your old consciousness to break you open and dissolve old encrusted structures. And the first, basic reaction is mostly projection and defense.

Hiking through your own darkness

There is a spiritual metaphor that says: „The dark night of the soul. This term goes back to the Spanish Carmelite and mystic John of the Cross. It is a poem written in the 15th century – in prison. For John of the Cross it was about the mystical union of the soul with God. Nowadays this metaphor is used to describe the difficult period of a spiritual development process, where the human personality has to struggle with disorientation, depression and confusion. Its purpose is actually to achieve a continuous, increasing and lasting reconnection with one’s own soul consciousness. This is a time when many things that once seemed normal and safe for the human personality simply seem to break away. Where instead depressive states are experienced, where crises, insecurity and loss of orientation prevail.

I actually believe that we are all in some kind of global dark night – the entire human species, the entire human family. And, of course, that means a process that will last for several years and probably decades. We are going through personal and global, very individual crises and we are coming into contact with our own darkness. With many things that we have been carrying for a long time, but which we are very often simply not really aware of. And a whole lot of situations and emotions are being washed up inside of us, so that we have the opportunity to check if it still fits for us. Yes, in the end it is years of trials …

It takes a while to understand that expanding consciousness has little to do with any external enemies, but rather with what is going on inside and how to deal with it. Nevertheless, it is apparently unavoidable that you first shoot yourself on everything you find in the world of Scheixxe and what you judge to be „that shouldn’t be like that“. And so one wades for a while through all kinds of dirt, horror ideas, laments about injustice and deals with horror scenarios. Starting with worldwide mind control, up to some omnipotent enemies of mankind. As an antipole you read channelings or inform yourself about natural food.

Basically, projections are a defense mechanism of the psyche. The term projection describes the transfer and shifting of one or more inner psychological conflicts to other persons, groups of people, living beings or various objects of the outside world.

Relatively harmless projections are when we ascribe characteristics, deficiencies or problems to other people, which we ourselves carry openly or hidden within ourselves. A far more serious form of transference is when I believe that the whole world is conspiring against me (or humanity, the whole earth, health, freedom, morality, faith, etc.).

Whatever the case may be, when we project, we thus transfer our own issues, fears or worries, to other people, organizations or groups of people, so that we do not have to feel it with ourselves. And then link these fears to certain events or circumstances that we do not like, which is then considered „proof“. The point is – what we project and transfer to other people are either unrecognized, personal qualities or unprocessed, emotional problems from our past, which we transfer to the present. And often, both variants intermingle. Projection allows us to transfer self-experienced situations or predominant emotional states, in our own consciousness, that are perceived as unbearable, to ward off these emotions from ourselves by transferring them to x-any situation, people and organizations.

And this, whether we want it or not, is unavoidable in a real wake-up process.

We push away what is inside of us and project it onto politicians, Illuminati, cabal, deep state mind control or whatever. To explain to us why we have certain feelings or thoughts. In this way we can continue to fool ourselves that everything is okay with US – only with THOSE out there, there is something wrong with them.

Talmud: „We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are“.

You can of course now despise all this fear porn of various conspiracy theories and call it bullshit – which of course is a good 99% (in my opinion) of all conspiracy theories. But in the end, they seem to fulfill a need that is not quite visible on the surface.

When you get into such a wake-up process – process, mind you – your entire identity structure is „attacked“. All the things and experiences that we hid from ourselves and that we repressed will be flushed up from our inner self over time and our protective and defensive shields will become porous. Most of the time, we have buried them so deeply that we can no longer feel or perceive many things. Deep, formative experiences that reach far back into childhood. All our deep fears, the inner insecurity, the doubts or our real self-esteem will gradually creep to the surface and say hello. Everything that has been quietly there all along will suddenly start screaming very loudly inside us.

Conspiracy theories are theories, not facts. They are extremely simplified black-and-white images and, moreover, highly exaggerated descriptions of a seemingly alternative reality. Mixed and connected with actual, clearly criticizable, political, social or economic processes. Whereby, however, the really criticizable things are completely lost, because the context with which they are interpreted is completely far-fetched.

BUT …

Now, if a Xavier Naidoo in a video cries because allegedly thousands of children are being freed from an underground torture prison where they were abused as human lab rats to obtain an alleged super drug called Adrenochrome and you react emotionally to it, it is because this extremely shocking horror show is arguing with certain experiences of your own past. Maybe from a past life, maybe in this life – does not matter in the end.

But you can suddenly feel THAT. It breaks down your protective shields and your emotional numbness. You can feel this nameless horror inside you, what it must mean to be tortured, abused and trapped. Powerless, to be exposed innocently and helplessly to something. But at the moment you can’t realize that this might have something to do with yourself. And you do not want to feel all the unpleasant things that have to do with you personally. You do not want to feel your personal powerlessness, helplessness or fears. You want to get rid of that.

I’m not saying that conspiracy theories are good. But everyone has to go through his own processes, even if that means having to go through a nonsense of denial of reality. If you bought into it, then you have to go through it. Okay, whatever makes you descend into your own darkness is good.

Of course, there is no such underground bunker and no tortured children to produce adrenochromes. And of course, „St. Donald Trump“ has not freed anyone. This Q Anon story is completely free of meaning and serves nothing else but to secure Donald Trump’s re-election and keep his conservative voters happy. Apart from the fact that there is child trafficking, that there is organized sexual and also ritual abuse of children, there is no truth in the story itself.

These and other conspiracy theories, however, bring you in touch with your own feelings and emotions that are buried deep inside you. The stronger you react to it, the more outraged and angry your reaction is, the more emotional charge you have built up.

The dark and heavy energy, such formatted information, docks fundamentally to the inner parts of the person that are in pain, traumatized or disoriented. This inner pain is often so well hidden and suppressed, so great and unspeakable – because never processed or admitted by us that only a supermonstrous, absolutely malignant source can explain it, who must be behind it. This kind of milkmaid’s calculation, of an omnipotent conspiracy feeds and triggers the fragmented inner child within us, which then becomes angry and projects its hatred, its rage and despair onto the world.

What do you think it does to you when you wallow in assertions and views that the eternal sacrificial existence enshrines? What does it do to you when you think the world is in the iron grip of a global conspiracy, a supposed elite, with the aim of undermining moral principles and ultimately reducing humanity? If you believe that some malevolent aliens have allied themselves with various leaders or secret organizations to rule the earth? And you yourself are completely powerless in this?

Does it make life much more fun? Does it create meaning, love or harmony for yourself and more connection to the world? Does it produce improvements in your personal life? You will have to admit that this is not the case. On the contrary – you clearly feel worse. If you roll around in dirt, you don’t get cleaner, but naturally dirtier.

If you go through this phase, the day will come when you are „done with the world“. Where you feel so weakened, depressed and trapped in your own darkness that you will experience a kind of inner breakdown. You will approach a state where you give up. Which, as weird as this may sound, is a good thing. When your inner resistance and your defense strategies no longer work and collapse, there is only one way out – to work through your emotional burdens. In reality, this is not a breakdown, even if it feels that way – it is a breakthrough.

This is the moment when the real challenge begins and you are so „backed up“ that you are ready to face your own personal issues. And in the end it’s all about that and nothing else. It is about you, not about politics, economics, Illuminati, cabal, Donald Trump, Rothschilds, Soros, Bill Gates or Rockefeller. It is about you personally, in this process. How you feel with yourself, your body and your life.

The Rothschilds are not responsible for how you feel or whether you have too little money in your pocket. Donald Trump is not coming to save you, Germany or the world. God or the universe will not transport you to a light-filled 5 D world where you don’t have to feel all the pain anymore. George Soros is not to blame if you do not take responsibility for yourself. The pharmaceutical industry is not to blame if you are sick. The slaughterhouses are not to blame if you are meat. Reptilian shape-shifters have nothing to do with it if you don’t feel comfortable with yourself or your body. Illuminati or Kabale are not responsible if your relationship breaks down or you are no longer satisfied with it. No one is responsible for whether you can accept yourself, with all your apparent faults or inadequacies. No one, except ourselves …

All these are deeply personal issues and conflicts that should be looked at. No one will come to save you miraculously. You are the one you are waiting for. You are the one who can „save“ yourself.

It is about making new friends with yourself and life. It is about self-acceptance and self-acceptance, exactly as you are. And you will only achieve this if you really deal deeply with yourself. Everything else is just an attempt to avoid yourself. To avoid the pain, loneliness, loss, anger and many other conditions that have accumulated in you for years. And it takes a lot of courage to venture into a therapeutic reappraisal process and to face your personal stories mercilessly.

This is a very critical time when you are extremely vulnerable and unfortunately some people do not manage to take the necessary step and get stuck in the old stories. They get stuck in conspiracy theories and cling to them desperately. And bullet through one wave of outrage into the next. If you don’t do transformation work and don’t integrate all the unpleasant emotions into yourself, you can get stuck in it for a very long time.

I recommend to everyone who wants to hear it, an examination of the Inner Person Model. And I strongly recommend feeling work. Get professional help if you are in this process. You will find it very difficult to get through on your own and if so, you will have to spend much more time with it. So take care of yourself and your consciousness …

Man is basically not a prisoner of fate, Illuminati, Freemasons, aliens, etc., but of his own consciousness, which he does not care about. When you deal with your inner conflicts, your emotional nebulas and diffuse mental states, you regain clarity – above all clarity about yourself. If you are clear with yourself again, many strange convictions you had about x – any external processes will also be cleared. You will then realize that you don’t need conspiracy theories to criticize various processes or states in our society. There are enough factual, fact-based and also technically competent arguments for this.

For those of us who have been through it for a long time, for those who find it a bit annoying to see all this old stuff reappearing so massively in the social media. But we should remember that we once experienced a similar phase and had to go through it. No, of course these people are not stupid, even if a part of me has the perception that the concentrated stupidity seems to take over the power at the moment. They are merely in a process of transition and one can only wish them good luck and good luck with it. They are not the first and will not be the last. In fact, I believe that this will intensify.

I have a part of me that thinks it could save people from their own experience if they only had enough information. This part of me thinks he would abandon his tribe if he didn’t say anything about it. And so I sometimes make comments to some people when I feel it would make sense to correct the statement. Most of the time it doesn’t take 2 minutes of googling to find out the facts. Meanwhile I make such comments only once, sometimes even twice. But if I constantly get answers to them, which my 20 years younger self has known for a long time, because he himself answered criticism like this, then I stop.

Because the adult in me knows that it makes no further sense and the person has to go through this experience until the end. Once you are in it, there is no other way out than to go all the way through it. Then I just keep my mouth shut and sometimes I unfriend or put people on „sleep“. Especially those who share particularly annoying „alternative theories“. This is pure self-protection. I just try to keep some distance to the experiences of others that don’t fit (anymore) to mine.

It took me a lot of persuasion to make this part of me understand that it cannot protect or prevent anyone from their personal experience. And to feel all the sadness and regret, at the thought that in this process some will „fall under the table“ and may not be able to rise from there. This part of my personality has now understood that his tribe has to do its own personal, very individual work to come to terms with the situation and that this is entirely his responsibility. Or he will get stuck in his experience.

I am also aware that the term conspiracy theorist is considered offensive by many who are in it. Well, they should thank those people who, by mixing up thoroughly criticizable topics with phobias, paranoia, hysteria and pure fantasy, led to a huge accumulation of absurd theories that no clear-thinking person can take seriously. And no, the term conspiracist was not invented by the CIA to silence critics of the Kennedy assassination. It goes back to the Austrian-British philosopher Karl Popper, who coined the term conspiracy theory as early as 1948.

From where I stand today, conspiracy theories make no sense at all. They are packed with emotional dramas and personal imbalances, cause doubt, create fear and feed the hysterical inner child. Never have conspiracy theories led to anything constructive. They simply invite you to let your hatred, resistance, lack of empathy and inner drama queen out and let the proverbial sow run free. To understand this, just look through the commentary columns under some VT Post.

And it is not at all about the fact that there have been or are actual conspiracies throughout human history. But all the things that are manufactured and suspected about it today, so bizarre and excessive, can’t be put on any cow skin anymore. Conspiracies are by definition top secret – they are so secret that any fool with computer access can find them neatly listed on the Internet. Michael from Recklinghausen knows them all, maybe the CIA should hire him …

Makes totally sense, right?

But okay, it’s just basic personal issues that are transported in this way. Apparently, for some of us it is necessary to exaggerate things so much that we are capable of an emotional reaction. Because no matter which horror story is given for the best – it is always MY personal fear that is then triggered. My anxiety, my paranoia, my hysteria – all kinds of emotional instability that exists within myself is reflected.

And when you are in there, you believe that it is all real. That some reptiles rule the world, that George Soros is using refugees to destroy Christianity, that Angela Merkel, Barack Obama and white-vultures are still reptiles in human form, that the Corona crisis is a hoax, that it’s the pretext for establishing a dictatorship, that all the famous Hollywood actors or politicians are pedophiles and that Donald Trump is liberating Germany. That the Corona crisis would be the final wake-up call for the rise to 5D or would be used by the elite to initiate a system crash and abolish cash or put all of humanity under mind control … etc., etc., etc.

It’s like a huge buffet where you can eat according to your personal taste. You can buy into any of these narratives – but a real danger is that they will swallow and eat you.

Ironically, it doesn’t really matter if things actually have any truth to them. The only criterion is whether or not we believe the narrated things. And what we believe is in turn related to a certain kind of identity. If there is already a deep conviction in our identity structure that we are victims, helplessly exposed to things and life, then it is not very difficult to convince ourselves of a world in which ALL people are victims of a huge conspiracy.

We all know, the world can sometimes be a terrible, unfeeling and cold place. But it can also be a beautiful, uplifting place, full of beautiful people and experiences. Everything this world holds in store is always an expression of people, of dynamics and personal, national and global processes and the consequences of these. If you look at the world in general with a sober view, you can see what a long way we as humanity still have to go.

It is a war that is raging inside us and that reflects its expression on the outside. The war between all the unredeemed and burdensome emotional content, the mental beliefs built around it and the painful attempts to control it and keep it away from us – but which we always lose because the elaborate stories we tell ourselves about it to rationalize and explain the pain away collapse sooner or later and the pain comes back to us with all its force. We can’t run away from it, because we can’t run away from ourselves.

None of us can „save“ the world, but we can „save“ ourselves and do our inner processing work. Imagine that everyone would do this? In no time we would see a completely different world. But since we refuse most of it and think that we ourselves do not need it – it will probably take some time. Nevertheless, this is the path we must take.

Until next time same station …

DISCLAIMER: Nothing you read here is THE truth. It is my truth, my perception and how I see things – now, in this moment.

THE INFORMATION SPACE

#consciousness #conspiracy theory

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tarotinapinch · 3 years

Text

Pile Two

[stones pictured from left to right] red jasper, sunstone, bumblebee jasper, green goldstone, sodalite, lepidolite

1. Red - How to live more authentically

*Three of Cups

*Ascension

*Moonstone - Fertility. Calming emotions. Attracting new love. Growth.

*Remember, love is the key. Love what you have in your life right now.

*Justice

*Imagine - What would you see, feel, think, and hear if your wish came true?

*Pegasus of the Rainbow Light

*Compassion - Be gentle with yourself. Forgiveness will set you free. See the light in yourself and others.

You have been through so much in your life on your path to live authentically. In the past many people's opinions either within your blood family or close childhood friends have caused you to pause on your journey, to rethink if what you're feeling is even correct. The answer is, of course what you feel is correct within your heart is always the right thing for you. You're learning not to confuse other people's thoughts and opinions as your own truth. Forgiveness is needed as well in order to move forward. Forgiveness of others trying to push their own agenda onto you and forgiveness to yourself for almost taking them up on the hard pressed offer. Neither of you knew better at the time. They thought you wanted it, and you did too before you separated yourself from societal or familial norms. But you now know better and will be able to continue on your journey to live your most authentic life by celebrating your personal victories and allowing yourself to grow and ascend even further by cultivating the energy of love. Love for your physical form, love for your emotional body, love for each step of your spiritual journey no matter how small, love for those around you, especially when they do not yet have love for themselves. Remember that karma is quite powerful. You get what you put in, so always react within the energies of love, especially when your compassion is tested. Continue to be gentle with yourself and others as you continue to unravel who the true, most authentic you is. Live free, let those wild and unique personality traits of yours shine like a crystal in the sunlight, casting colorful rainbows onto everything around you. Expect the best and receive even better.

2. Orange - How to nurture self love

*The Fool

*Underworld

*Green Jade - Attracting love. Balance. Dreams come true. Purity.

*No longer holds power over you. Dissolve attachments of the past with love.

*Wellbeing

*Teamwork - Work with others to make this situation come about.

*Blue Pegasus of the Open Sky

*Possibility - Raise your standards. Elevate your expectations. You have unlimited potential.

The best way to nurture your self love is to embark on your shadow work journey. These journeys are always feared from even before the first step, but fear is not an indication of wrongness or failure. Fear is a symbol that you are alive and your soul yearns to step outside of your comfort zone, to bring you one step closer to the next part of your spiritual awakening. So that you can allow yourself to attract all of the blessings that are meant for you and more. The moment you become self aware of the self work that you have ahead of you, and the fear that almost always comes with this realization, your past no longer has any hold over you. You are the sole creator of your future and you are ready to manifest your best life. Raise your self-standards. You are far more capable than you give yourself credit for. Keep speaking your truth and you will attract authentic love, peace, and balance into your life in the form of others who share your ideals. Manifesting is absolutely possible on your own, but the more people share the same vision, the faster and more potent the manifestation will be. Trust in your intuition to tell you who is a helpful teammate to you during this time. Only keep those close to you who support and encourage your spiritual growth and self-love journey.

3. Yellow - How to boost self confidence

*Two of Coins

*Share Wisdom

*Pyrite - Good changes of fortune. Success. Renewed focus. Leadership.

*You are being called into service. Believe in your own guidance.

*Spirit Guide

*Share - When you share, everyone feels happy.

*Pegasus of the Black Diamond

*Passion - Do what excites you. Get fired up about your life. Increase your energy levels.

The answer here is pretty blunt and simple: do what you love to do and share your knowledge with those who are eager and accepting of the teachings that you have to offer. Doing so will boost your inner authority, automatically bringing you more confidence. You have overflowing stores of wisdom and knowledge within you that you are meant to share with the world. You could possibly be drawn to writing, public speaking, acting, song writing, singing, therapeutic jobs, or any other outlet that allows you to share messages with others. Other people's spirit guides tend to work through you. You allow them to use you as a mouthpiece to channel their words through you so that the messages may go directly to those they are guiding. Sharing your word, wisdom, and the messages of spirit help those around you greatly, which helps to boost your confidence.

4. Green - What positive energy to put out into your world

*Eight of Coins

*The Outlaw

*Amber - Harmony. Home protection. Calm. Attracts love.

*Let it out, let it flow. Open up the heart to feel.

*Healing

*Light - See the light within yourself and everyone else.

*Orange Pegasus of Healing

*Past Lives - Release your past life karma. You are an old soul with deep wisdom. Healing your past lives will raise your vibration.

The positive energies that you bring to this world are quite endless, but the main actions that you take that help raise the vibration is working hard toward your goals and dreams even if they are quite different than anything your blood family and childhood friends have ever done. You are called for something much more unique than you have experienced before and you're meant to go after this calling diligently in order to heal yourself, those around you, and your past lives. You have had many past lives being suppressed and it's in this life that you are meant to finally rise above that because over all of those hard lifetimes, you have finally accumulated all of the learnings needed to stand strong in your truth and do what feels right to you. Your calm and compassionate energies bring peace, harmony, and protection to you, your journey, and to anyone who supports you along the way. Sometimes you might feel like the outlaw, others may try to manipulate you into feeling that you aren't doing the right thing, that you're making mistakes. But when this happens, when you feel yourself start to get stuck in a rut, remember how going after the things that you are truly passionate about makes you feel, the healing energies it brings to you. Bask in this light and in turn you will be able to share it with others, helping them to start their own healing journey.

5. Blue - How to best uphold healthy boundaries

*Three of Wands

*The Seeker

*Citrine - Wealth. Enhanced career prospects. Self-esteem. Manifestation

*Enjoy where you are. For soon you will be somewhere else

*Passion

*Let Go of Stress! - Don't take on other people's stress. Breathe it out now.

*Pegasus of Sirius

*Partnership - Teamwork will give you a better result. Find trustworthy people to partner with. Build up a talented support team.

The best way to keep your boundaries in check right now is to just keep going after the things that your heart longs for with that fiery passion you feel for them. Open your eyes to all of the opportunities that surround you and don't back down from any challenges that may pop up along the way. These challenges are meant to test your strength and resolve, but you can and will conquer these tests like a pro. You are so naturally gifted, all you need to do is trust in yourself and your intuition to guide you through any seemingly sticky situation. These times can be very stressful, and rightfully so. But the best thing you can do when you feel overwhelmed is to take a step back and de-stress. Do some self care rituals that make you feel good and call upon those who you know have your back and support your mission with unconditional love. Continue to find these kinds of people and create your own amazing support team. Those who truly care for you and your well-being will always honor your boundaries. Learn to love those who ignore, push, or otherwise try to break your boundaries from a distance. Remember that their actions are never an attack on you, they only show how much they are hurting inside. Embody the energies of love and allow yourself to be a guiding light for those who may have lost their way and could use a reminder of where to go to move forward and heal themselves.

6. Purple - What to be proud of

*Six of Wands

*Transmute

*Black Obsidian - Strength. Support during changes. Everyday stress relief. Clears negative energy.

*Following the path of another. Your path is being redirected to where it should be.

*Transformation

*You are Gifted - You are very intelligent and talented.

*Pegasus of Roses

*Trust - Leap into the unknown. Have faith and move forward. Believe you will fly.

Be proud of all the victories within your life, celebrate them with pride. You have overcome so much and you should be so proud of yourself for all of these accomplishments. It takes a great amount of strength to stand up for yourself and start following your own path, especially when you had been following someone else's path for a long time, thinking that was the way for you. You have transformed quite drastically, now trusting your intuition and the Universe as you begin to leap into the unknown. You know that wherever you end up, even though you cannot see it just yet, you will be better off because you are doing these things for yourself in pure self love. You should be proud of the many gifts that you possess, one of which being able to transmute any hard times that you have been through into experience for the next chapter of your life. You are constantly learning new skills and leveling up, always allowing yourself the room to learn even more. You have a naturally strong intuition and it does not take much to hone this skill of yours so long as you truly trust yourself. Be proud of your authentic truth that you are learning to thrive in.

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knifefather · 3 years

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Hi. I dont really know how to start this. But can you write something about being some sort of kindred spirit with Bruno? Like going through similar stuff, having similar values, being in a leadership position. Trying to get away from a past life. Learning the truth about a dirty secret, and living with guilt. What would romance be like, being someone similar? If this s/o was feeling down, would Bruno even try to cheer them up? If life came crashing down, if the flashbacks came at the same time every year, even if everyone around seemed so desensitized, would he even attempt to help? Or would they both just be so fucked up? I'm sorry this was long and kind of self-indulgent. If possible, I would like to be 🦅 anon.

Yes of course! Welcome to the anon gang!

Being a kindred spirit with Bruno would be so incredibly intimate. Being his loved one is already intimate enough, but having that spiritual connection with him would be the most fulfilling thing in the world. To have him look in your eyes and know that he’s seen a life very similar to yours is the most comforting thing. You never feel more safe and understood than when your love is by your side. He would definitely try to help you, even if nobody else noticed you were struggling, because he knows what you’re going through and knows that you can’t do it alone. If Bruno could be there for you, he would in a heartbeat, because that’s what you would do, too.

It’s been years since it happened to you. It’s been years, and you still hold your head and squeeze your eyes shut at the barrage of memories. The environment around you is different, but the weather outside mirrors the forecast of harder days. The words said that you shouldn’t have heard ring in your ears over and over, like a disorder. The ones that you should have said are twice as loud.

You can’t afford to be weak like this--you have people who depend on you. It’s your job to be diligent, to be a pillar of strength for those who are weak. People look up to you, and you can’t bear the thought of letting them down. To disappoint them is to disappoint yourself. The cold, bony hands of depression seized you with a vice-like grip easily. Even despite the strength you display, the fire inside you is not enough to shake its grasp, your flames doused easily.

You drag in a shaky breath, tears threatening to spill from your eyes for the first time in a very long time. Suddenly, you feel a soft hand on your shoulder, and you nearly jump out of your skin. You whip your head behind you to see Bruno standing there, his eyes sparkling with concern as he gazes at you. No words have to be said. He takes in your form near the window, gazing morosely at the landscape on the other side. Your eyes are still glistening from your unguarded moment.

Shame hits you hard and heavy. Out of everyone, you care about what Bruno thinks of you the most. Yet, he is the one who judges you the least. In its essence, it’s not the lack of judgment: he’s already passed judgment on you from the moment he met you, and from then, he knew that you had a good heart. In those emotional moments where you told him the bits and pieces of your past, he knew then that you both were one and the same. He fell in love with you quickly and even if he has to remind you over and over that you’re worth loving, he would do it until the end of time. There are many times when you’ve had to do the same for him.

Bruno looks at you, his hand comforting on your shoulder. When his eyes are on you, you feel actually seen. He doesn’t look through you, but at your soul.

“It gets easier as the years go by.” His eyes flicker from your face to outside. “Give it time... You’ll change, just like the weather outside.”

“Even if it changes, it always returns to the same conditions,” you retort, your brows furrowing. Don’t cry. Do not cry. Not in front of him. You will yourself to restrain your emotions.

“You never feel the same thing twice.” You cock your head, confused, and he elaborates.

“F. Scott Fitzgerald said, ‘There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.’ It’s applicable to many other parts of our lives, too.” With how earnestly he is beaming at you, you almost feel embarrassed. You feel a blush bloom on your cheeks, and he gives one of his small, rare smiles at your expression.

“The pain you felt in the past won’t be as strong in the present. That pain changes. It brings on different challenges, but also new ways to deal with those challenges,” he says, his voice gentle and almost matter-of-fact. You know that those words come from his heart--like you, Bruno has been through the wringer.

“Why do people leave?” you ask, more so to yourself rather than to him. Your voice cracks as you speak, and you try in vain to swallow the lump of emotion gathered in your throat. “Why do things have to fall apart? And why are people like you and me caught in the middle? Why doesn’t anyone else understand?” you ask with an increasingly upset tone, a single tear streaking down your face. You are looking back out the window now, your brain plagued by all of the hardship that you tried so hard to hold back.

Bruno is quick to brush that tear from your cheek. His own face is pained, but behind it, a glimmer of hope that he wants to impart onto you. He grabs your chin softly and made you face him. Your heart flutters at the gesture.

“No one will ever know. But what we do know is that there are people like you and I that stay.” You bite your lip, trying to shove down the emotion that threatens to tumble out of you. “We put things back together. We right wrongs because we’ve seen calamity. Taking care of others just ensures that we’re doing our best to make sure that nobody feels as horrible as we have,” Bruno tells you, reaching down to grab both of your hands in his.

“We’ve seldom seen calm, so we make our own.”

You shiver. Bruno’s words turn over and over in your mind, reminding you of every horrible thing that had lead you to that point. Against your will, you begin to cry. You try to hide it at first, looking away from him and withdrawing your hands. It isn’t hard for him to see, and he coos to you softly in Italian before drawing you into his arms. Your body trembles from the sobs, and he lovingly strokes down your shoulders to sooth you.

You lose track of how long you spend in Bruno’s arms, him cradling your head and letting you vent your emotions. He sees so much of his younger self in you, felt the same feelings as you and thought your thoughts. In the moment, you feel strange, like your body is melding into his. You feel like apart of something bigger than yourself and truly understood. For so long you felt like you were screaming and nobody could hear you. You’ve been heard, at long last.

Carefully, Bruno helps you to your feet and wraps an arm around you. Before you walk away with him, you gaze out the window once again. The scene is still the same as before, very little changing in the past few minutes. Though, something is different this time. The disquiet inside you was hushed, and you felt and all-encompassing warm feeling as you look away from the window and at Bruno’s inviting tan face, his warm hand gripping yours.

Calm.

#this was such an amazing ask #i love this concept so much #i hope that i did this justice #i could tell you've been through some pain in your life so i hope that i made this relatable #bruno bucciarati #bruno confession #jjba #sfw #knife asks #tw loss #tw depression #🦅 anon #knife requests

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terry-perry · 4 years

Text

The Unimaginable

Pairing: Dad!Bucky Barnes x Mom!Reader

Warning: Mourning of a dead loved one

Child OCs: Teddy Barnes, Emily Barnes

A/N: Now here’s part 2 to this imagine. Like its predecessor, this will be angsty AF. Based off this song.

Enjoy!

“There are moments that the words don’t reach

There is suffering too terrible to name

You hold your child as tight as you can

And push away the unimaginable...”

“Honey,” Bucky called out to you through the door. “Y/N, the kids and I are heading out. Are you sure you don’t wanna join us?”

Like it’s been for the last couple of months, he didn’t get much of a response. He sighed and let his forehead rest against the bedroom door for a moment. It had been an unwanted journey that came from witnessing a loved one’s death. And each of you had been doing what you could to move on from all this.

It wasn’t like death and tragedy was a new thing for you and Bucky. There was no hiding from the heartbreak and grief that came from what you did. But this was one that hit closer to home. Making more of an impact on each member of the Barnes’ household.

Jack and Teddy always seemed to share a similar bravery and taste for adventure. It’s why you and Bucky had seen great potential in your boys. Because even when knowing the risks that came with certain situations, they never hesitated to press onward. It’s what motivated the fifteen-year-old to stay strong and help out his parents with anything. Whether it was tending to the house or help take care of his baby sister Emily.

And Emily, she never ceased to be the light of the family. When Bucky wasn’t checking on you, she was. Making you find the strength to display a small smile for the nine-year-old as you would let her comfort you for a moment with a snuggle.

And it was Teddy and Emily that suggested going to church. Proving to Bucky once again that his kids were better than him in every way by seemingly being able to cope with the loss in a healthy way. It was mostly you that he was concerned about.

You were the one that had been struggling the most with your emotions. You had isolated yourself from everyone, only making your presence known when needed. Since everything, you preferred staying in your own world and would lie in between the covers, feeling so broken and small. You’ve already done a good amount of screaming and crying.

Now all you wanted to do was sink into a deep, dark hole.

Bucky sat down while he let Teddy and Emily kneel down to say their prayers. He was never much of a religious man, and nowadays he just felt too numb to even give it a try. Though he wouldn’t dissuade his children from being spiritual. Especially if it brought them a sense of comfort that he hadn’t been able to do. He observed them, listening to their hushed voices as they put their hands together and closed their eyes.

He was able to catch a few words, not meaning to eavesdrop. But then he heard his daughter mumble some things that made him think she wasn’t exactly talking to a known deity. Knowing she wouldn’t mind, he decided to ask her about it after the service was over.

“Were you talking to your brother, cupcake?”

Emily nodded, looking up to give her dad her best comforting smile. “I always do when we come to church. After I finish praying with everyone else, I make some time to talk to Jack. Let him know what we’ve been up to, and that we miss him.”

He didn’t know how to take that. So he just smiled back at her.

Bucky dropped the kids off at Sam’s and made his way back home. But it was only to park and check up on you before deciding to take a walk.

This had become a habit of his. After taking the children to church, he’d drop them off either at home or a friend’s then wander aimlessly through the city. He didn’t know why. Something to help get his mind off things, he supposed.

He walked a good length that day as he found himself uptown. He gave the area a look around. It all reminded him of the neighborhood he grew up in. His sights landed on his reflection from a nearby building. His hair had started to grey while the darkness under his eyes began to grow.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent night’s rest. Especially in his own bed. And like you, his thoughts brought a good amount of insomnia to them as he did his best to ignore the disorder within.

Despite the warm breeze that rustled the trees and bent the strands of grass, he felt cold. The sun peered behind the clouds, but not even the sunshine could warm the chill that ran through his bones. That was until he walked past a nearby park. He noticed the way the flowers bloomed there, and the young children squealing in delight in the playground had the corners of his lips perk up an inch.

The words of his little girl resonated within him. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. The aching in his chest diminished enough for him to speak lowly to himself.

“You’d like it here,”

----

Slowly, very slowly, you sat from your bed. As you did so, you felt more alive and more aware of your own living body than ever before. Why had you never appreciated what a miraculous thing this was? You don’t know what it was, but you decided to finally get up and leave the room to see what was going on with everyone else. Right as you opened the door, Bucky came into the house and froze from seeing you up.

“Hey,” he said. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you croaked out, your voice somewhat weak from not being in use all day. “Where are the kids?”

“They’re spending the night at Sam’s,”

“Oh,”

Neither of you knew what to say next. But with this sudden energy you had, you decided to use this time to find a way to clear your head.

“Can we go for a walk?”

----

The two of you took a stroll through the city hand-in-hand. Bucky’s metal one was a good reassurance that helped control your trembling. And once you calmed down, you breathed in the sights of the city. The smell of the grass, the air on your face. You never realized how much you have taken for granted as you’ve become more aware of your own life.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been handling this better,” you said, tearing up. “Especially since we still have our two other babies. They shouldn’t have to see their mother like this.”

Bucky immediately took your face in his hands, giving you a warm smile not unlike the one Emily gave him hours ago.

“I haven’t exactly been the best with this either,” he confessed to you with his own watery eyes. “Part of me still thinks he’s away at school. And I know that if I could trade his life for mine, he’d be standing here right now.”

You held each other then as you both released some tears and took comfort in each other’s arms. Both of you realizing how much you’ve missed the other from the way you nuzzled his broad chest while he rubbed his nose against your hair.

You were both finally laying it all out and sharing your grief. Although it was painful, it felt strangely relieving to let it out in the open instead of keeping it all to yourselves.

“I can’t pretend to know the challenges we’ve been facing these past several weeks.” He uttered. “I know that it will most likely continue to suck for a while. But we don’t have to keep doing this alone.”

You peered up at him, your chapped lips cracking from the smile you gave him.

“We can’t fall apart. I want us to keep going through this together.”

As you both continued to hold each other, you focused your thoughts on your loving, patient husband and your two beautiful kids. You still had reasons to keep moving forward. There would be a lot to discuss. But now was not the time to worry. For the moment, your mind could not withstand anymore troublesome thoughts.

This was all you needed right now.

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crackcrocs · 3 years

Text

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #1

1. The backbone to my emotions

As someone who cannot conceptualise time in any way whatsoever, I want to say sorry to my loved ones. I'm aware I still need to send my friends messages every once in a while and remind them I still want to be their friends and I need to actively work on this. I need to overcome this fear stopping me from being present and accepting peoples love and support. I want to break free from me and I want to feel content being on this earth, I want nothing more than to enjoy experiences with my loved ones. I love you I love you.

I am a young charismatic, creative individual learning to do things differently so I don't always have the same outcomes. I suffer from a Cluster B Personality Disorder; under the same umbrella of mental health I also experience extremely intrusive thoughts on a daily basis, that can become obsessive and compulsively hyper fixated thoughts in an instant. I have anxiety, depression and a lot of the time I’m deeply dissociated to a point where I struggle to believe I’m even real, even when I do know I am real- I have no attachment to my limbs or body as a whole and only feel alive in a spiritual sense or when I self harm. I don't want to get too into my illnesses; as I’m not someone who really likes labels, just know that everyday is a battle and each personality that exists within me is different. I wouldn't say drastically, however its evident for me and living with so many different masks can be intense. Especially when you've tried to convince people that you're just one solid mould in the hopes they don't perceive you as an intense person. I am going to try to take you through a few of my altars and moods starting with the emptiest subconscious alters that I call the backbones of my emotions to the more powerful energetic ones that haven't managed to yet consume me over the years. I hope this can give people an insight.

Overall I present a pretty confident front, I like to appear like I’ve got my life together even though I’m so far from it, sometimes I’m not sure ill even find the strength to go on long enough in attempt to get my life together, which is a real problem but it's the sad truth. Don't waste time reading this if you're easily triggered as this piece of writing will consist of real and genuine feelings. I’m in no attempt trying to create content for people who enjoy turning blind eyes and wishing they didn’t see this so I’ll give you a fair warning. I'm not responsible for your triggers, whereas I’m responsible for the things I’ve done. I might have cared too much at one point, but I will not hold myself captive to those situations nor will I regret them. I want the lies, deceit and hurt that I’ve committed against loved ones to end, my secrecy has done enough damage and its exhausting pushing people away even though that’s not usually the intent, truth is I am so embarrassed of myself. I'm private, secretive and mysterious but I’ll also talk about my childhood trauma after like 5 minutes. I guess this says I’m happy to talk about my trauma because it's what I know and am comfortable with, I just struggle to tell anyone the real suicidal me behind my problems. I hate that I’m so young and feel like a dead person already.

I tend to act out or distance myself due to fear which isn’t clear at first if you know me, but does become obvious. I might appear as someone with no care in the world, like I’m unbothered, but I assure you that's the African pride combined with the Leo pride. I also don't want people to treat me like a footstool, which has happened when I’ve come off ass too passive. I care so much and over think absolutely everything, it's literally my only way of thinking. I have little to no self esteem and I have no clue who confidence is unless under the influence of something, be it weed, alcohol or psychedelics (which I don't take much of because I enjoy them and don't want to abuse them) I mean I can function sober, I don't even like to be out of control high or drunk, but as Chief Keef once said, I hate being sober. #i'mTrash4thereference. Although I’m not fully healed and functioning yet, I’m a developed character with both positive and negative traits. At the moment I’m going back and fourth between 'just stop trying' and 'you cant give up'. Sometimes depression is kind of like looking at yourself through a window, there’s this part of your brain that understands it'll pass, but you’re so far into despair that its impossible to see the way out, its a lot like being trapped. I am having a bad patch right now, the difference between this one and the last one is I’m more self aware with less of a desire to go on. At least I’m no longer suffering from paranoia and thinking everyone's out to get me all the time or that I’ll get trafficked walking home from somewhere, but depression and mania are so bloody invasive and there’s always that little voice in my head telling me ill never be good enough. Executive dysfunction kills my motivation because I have so many things to do and I cant pick anything to start first, it gets worse when my depression gets worse too. I'm not lonely though; I have a few people who care for me- and while I'm trying to not involve them in the metal episode, they are around to talk to and that means so much. My friends are super encouraging even though I've only briefly mentioned that I'm having a sad time right now, and that's awesome.

I hate that no matter how much better I get there's still this deep desire to get worse. I don't feel like a real person. I just feel like a collection of what people want me to be and various mental disorders. It would be so cool if I could admit to the world I have a personality disorder without feeling disgusting and without fear.

I've had plenty time to reflect upon every bit of thought that created the barbed wire surrounding my logical brain, I want to feel okay to be alive, but I so strongly just want to die. I am tired of fluctuating from feeling extremely vigorously suicidal to passively suicidal; where I just don't have the energy to carry it out myself. It's gotten way past the point that it doesn't matter what kind of day I have, I think about killing myself all day. Sleep is an escape from life and I'm always tired and wanting to 'sleep'. Deep down I feel like I’m waiting for the right time to end my life and it's not the right time yet because I still have a footprint to leave behind, I still have journal pages I want to burn. I cant just jump off the highest accessible building or mall car park I could find just yet- I don’t just want to ruin others by hurting them with my death. It's sad to think I grew into this mindset, waking up wishing I was dead.

Being abandoned by many people in the past made me doubt people and think everyone was out to get me or wanted something from me, it made me feel hurt and lone. So I felt it would be better to let people down before they could hurt me so I wouldn't repeat the same cycle when forming new connections. It wasn't intentional but I could just silence myself due to fear.

I just found myself feeling immensely hopeless, like I was too internally enraged at the external world to be able to trust anything of it. I definitely do want to get better because I’m tired of feeling this way, it's so exhausting and I hate pushing people away from me like I’m poison. I need to allow people to accept all of me.

Before picking up these coping mechanisms when I was younger and more insecure; I wanted to be a part of the world, I had this strong urge to fit in. I had to learn how to manage my anxiety and socialising became more exhausting stemming from my fear of being 'odd' or 'different', I didn’t want to be called out for being different- it was not a compliment at that age, it always felt like a being the joker in the card deck. I was intensely afraid of being judged or labelled as such. Being told I was a 'weirdo' didn't help at all, that type of criticism is what got to me the most. People made me feel like I needed to change, like I was too African, even in a joking manner it didn't help- because although I was okay with who I was, I did feel like I had to change and westernise myself to fit in. I ended up hanging around with people that didn't care, doing stupid things I didn’t even want to do, dating people I didn't connect with. Eventually I got tired of people using me for entertainment, tired of catering to those who refused to understand. I still have to admit there were many periods that I lowered my frequency to be on the wavelength of others that did not match mines at all, I hate that I'm someone who always feels the need to explain myself so people don't think I'm a bad person and even though I don't owe it to everyone and now I am able to make better choices and I'm no longer easily influenced, it still hurts that i was ever around people that made me feel like I was over exaggerating my mental health or uncomfortable to a point where I learned to downplay it or the mention of it. Now as a coping mechanism I’ve become so facetious and sarcastic about my trauma it's a struggle to take myself seriously at times. Users and abusers belittled me to such a point where I felt they'd underestimated my intelligence and most of all humiliated me. It made me tired of justifying myself so now most days I’m just a mute, but I really do finally have good people in my life who deserve some sort of explanation and it's a shame they don't get to be experience a truly present consistent me. It’s just after having the wrong eyes on me, I don’t want anything to see me. I hate attention because I’m so embarrassed of myself I don’t want to be noticed. People looking at me make me want to kill myself.

I've been told to move past my rage, to let go and become a grounded and level headed person. I've been told there is hope for all of us. Must be nice to believe that, all I could wonder was what it was like to get angry without getting homicidal and suicidal. Even on most days where nothing extreme would happen besides negative emotions, my brain still travelled to a dark realm. I've come to a point where I want to live in my daydream universe wile I physically rot away. That's my business. Sometimes I feel as though all my friendships are on a timer, or more so it's that my timer is about to go off, so I subconsciously shy away and make sure i have no deep friendships. Just in case my head decides to do something stupid.

I don't want to have no friends, I want to have friends and I do value friendships so much more than entitled relationships, I just have a difficulty maintaining friendships because it's exhausting for me, it takes a lot of energy to be social and on a level that isn't just superficial where I can just let go and allow myself to fully be. Sometimes I have a hard time relating to other people, and thus I may feel I don’t belong or don’t quite fit in- causing me to feel irritated, paranoid or even in pain during social situations. It's not always this bad, and I don't mean for it to sound dramatic. It's different when In person and I’m really relaxed and comfortable with the company. However virtually socialising and expressing will always be extremely anxiety enducing and its something I need to overcome especially going into this new phase of Artificial Intelligence. So if I start to drift away it most likely isn't a reflection of you. The cycle goes I need alone time to recharge then I realise how long has passed and I just feel so bad I haven’t gotten back, I tell myself I’m an awful friend for dissociating for so long, and then I don’t know how to explain that so my anxiety rises, mood drops and I spiral back into a pit of depression, often wanting to relapse but refraining from doing so. Sometimes I manage to get out of the pit, but by then so much has piled up I don't know where or how to begin again.

I don't feel like I could have a normal friendship as well as romantic relationship. It's hard for me to long term imagine myself being fully relaxed enough to let my guard down and not reluctant to express. I don’t think there’s any condition where ill just be came and enjoy a connection without worrying that the other person isn’t putting in as much effort, or they have an image of me, or that I’ve amplified the emotions and even though I feel them that way do they really understand me or love me as much. Silence is so upsetting and I hate the fact I do it when I'm afraid of myself or don't feel good enough. I never intent for it to become 'the silent treatment' because in reality its not treating anyone, it's more a reflection of what I’m internalizing and not wanting or being unable to project and express those feelings without feeling like party pooper, an attention seeker or 'too deep'. I don't mean to give people false hope, I love the people in my life so much and every one I’ve met on this journey. I'm learning to look at life through a different lens and the people who contributed to my suffering will not be the definition of me. People have led me to believe so much and strung me along, not letting me go- and I realised those entitled controlling abusive relationships were not serving me. I couldn't keep doing it. Now even though I want closeness I end up pushing people away or leaving them in the dark because of fear, especially of something new because I've never experienced anything good and true for a long enough duration of time to rid me of that fear. I also have fear of rejection or hurting, I fear becoming too emotionally invested and becoming co dependant so I end up wanting to avoid the pain than actually wanting to experience the joy and growth the relationship could offer, so I end it before it begins to avoid any possible pain. I feel like I don't deserve these connections,and sometimes the depression runs so deep I have to push people away in case I want to do something stupid- I don’t want them to feel at fault, or obligated to be able to handle me. Sometimes I really can just only be with myself and my thoughts so I hide but it may appear that I’m pushing others away because of my isolation and neglect.

With everyone I know, I get this feeling that they're too good for me, their energy is so radiant and loving but I feel so broken and don’t want to depend on that. I've had perfectly ideal people come into my life and I feel they’re too good for me because I have a lot of work to do on myself first, primarily I need to build up confidence and self esteem because it's the root of most my issues. I want to relate to people, share our deepest fears and wishes without fear of judgement. It's not that I don't want to get better, I simply cannot remember what it was like to have an actual honest to god normal personality. The feeling of being a mentally unstable chameleon is all I have now. I AM my illness, that's the only identifier I have left. I can't remember normality.

I understand that I’m lucky and I’m not ungrateful for the things and people I do have, it doesn’t mean that my life doesn’t suck because of those lucky things. I often think about if someone created technology to transfer life to another, I’d happily give them mine because they'd live it much better than me, I’m not worth anything to myself. I never wanted to be someone to cause pain on the people I love but now I do, even if that’s just through silence. I just disappear when I haven’t been doing well and although I know things get better, recovery isn’t linear and that not all my days are bad, I just have extreme chronic feelings of emptiness.

I struggle to trust people because I don't want to be hurt but I need people so much, I hate feeling unloved. It's so overwhelming because I feel everything so extremely as if I’m going to explode.

My sense of self and reality feels destroyed, my future and dreams are uncertain and it's hard for me to move on, sometimes it scares me what I’m doing to people without the intention of it, being too much or not enough- or at least feeling that way. It's hard for me to give myself a reason and it's not on the people around me to fill my empty void, I hate forcing people to be my friend or understand my illness. I cant expect anyone to want to- it feels like I’m holding their hand while they pull it away; and even though it's not the case I feel awful, I constantly feel like I’m in a more pessimistic head space. I'm worried people will realise I'm as pathetic as I say I am.

#LCZABIBU #deathwillonlybethebeginning

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docmanda · 4 years

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37 for poly pile because I'm a sucker for this kind of things

So I finally made your thing ^^ only one chap though, it worked better like that hope you enjoy it ^^

here´s the ao3 link and the rest is under the cut

A Small Kindness (chapter 2 of The Abyss, Gazing Back)

It takes Hua Cheng a small moment before he realizes he isn´t alone anymore, startling slightly when he registers movement out oft he corner of his still swollen, single eye. It´s the first time he has dared to leave Xie Lian and He Xuan alone together after they had crashed right into the middle of their God and Yin Yu having a sparring match -something Xie Lian often did when he was nervous and worried about his husbands- in a tangle of bloody limbs and mud, his dice heeding his order of ´take us to gege` perfectly. Poor Yin Yu nearly had gotten his arm broken with how mercilessly and rudely Xie Lian had disarmed him midstrike, carelessly dropping his own sword at the same time and already halfway across the room before the other God had even realized what was happening, Xie Lian´s eyes wide with blooming panic at the sight of them. He Xuan had lost conciousness again, the pull of Hua Cheng´s transportation spell too much for him, a dead, motionless weight in his arms. And oh how Hua Cheng had envied him that, he would have given anything to not be able to see the flash of pure, endless fear in his Beloved´s eye at the state of them. He Xuan with his seal applied brutally like that felt like a wet clump of clay devoid of any spark to their senses, a truly dead thing and Xie Lian´s hands were frantic as he sent a bit of his own energy through the still form cradled in Hua Cheng´s arms, having to make sure that while his spiritual energy might be blocked his meridians were still intact. Only after that did his shoulders relax the tiniest bit, his core of steel taking over as he methodically mapped their injuries, only allowing himself a soft, pained ´oh my sweet San Lang..´when he carefully inspected the damage to his good eye. He knew what an injury in this area means, a He Xuan that was himself would -never- deliberately injure Hua Cheng like that, that eye was absolutely taboo and he would personally go for the throat of anybody trying to use Crimson Rain´s handicap to their advantage. Hua Cheng was still drowsy from the remnants of the poison running through his body and exhausted from their fight and the emotional toll it brought with it so he lets Xie Lian take over, leaning heavily on Yin Yu with still numb legs while Xie Lian carefully picked up He Xuan to carry him to their private chambers. He would usually not allow Yin Yu to step into their private suite, not unless there was an emergency, but Xie Lian couldn´t take care of both of them at the same time and Yin Yu was silent and unobtrusive like always, carefully helping him to get rid of the mud and most of the blood while Xie Lian did the same to He Xuan. The disgraced God did not touch Crimson Rain´s face, it would be a suicidal move with Hua Cheng already injured and on edge, he just bowed and left as silently as a shadow when Hua Cheng dismissed him. It only took a few more minutes until Xie Lian brought over a still sleeping Black Water, mostly clean and dressed in soft sleeping robes, his hand bandaged tightly and settled him into bed next to where Hua Cheng was sitting, gently pushing a few strands of hair out of He Xuan´s face before getting up again to get a basin of cool, clean water together with some soft cloth and their medicinal tray. "Tell me what happened." Xie Lian does not need to ask what happened for Hua Cheng to see the need to seal their lover like this, the reasoning clear to see in the pattern of injury on Hua Cheng´s skin. He asks because he knows Hua Cheng needs to tell him, explain the reasons why he had no choice but to take such drastic measures, hurting their lover like this, more as a justification for himself then for Xie Lian. Xie Lian was silent through all of this, gently cleaning Hua Cheng´s face, spiritual power warm against his skin as he tries to bring down the swelling around Hua Cheng´s good eye so he can see better...only when the first tears start to fall did Xie Lian put away his cloth and his herbs and pulled his husband close, letting him old onto him and sob into his ruined robes, smeared with both of his Devastation´s blood. They might seem like water and fire sometimes, his Devastations, opposite part of the spectrum that could never be anything else but adversaries...but Xie Lian knows better. They might not say the words out loud but to him it was clear to see how much they loved each other, Crimson Rain Sought Flower and Black Water Sinking Ships. And so Xie Lian will put aside his own pain and fear and hurt for now and let them curl around him as if he was the only thing still keeping them tied to this world and they might just lose hold and disappear if they ever let go of him. Xie Lian sighed as he pulls them both onto the bed, arranging them so that He Xuan is between them, himself needing the reassurance of feeling his body against his now that they can´t feel him any other way just as much as he knows Hua Cheng does. They have long and draining days ahead of them with many tears and silent suffering yet to come and he knows the best way to spend these days is sleeping. It will take days for the seal on He Xuan to weaken again, and until he isn´t back to being fully himself again, Hua Cheng will not be at ease either. Xie Lian gently reaches to stroke through unruly black hair, Hua Cheng already half asleep with exhaustion. "Sleep my love. Both of you are safe and secure and I will not allow anything to happen to both of you while I am here..." And so they had spent most of the last two days: Curled together on their bed, with He Xuan only waking for small amounts of time here and there, wan and unspeaking and unresponsive to everyone and everything but Xie Lian, not even so much as daring to look at Hua Cheng most of the time, the swollen bruise around his single eye an ugly reminder of his loss of control. This is the first time he has gotten up ever since they came back, He Xuan always moves silently and now, with his power still locked tight under his self inflicted seal he is barely noticeable at all. „A-Xuan, you startled me. Is everything alright?“ He Xuan just stares at him, a tiny bit of his usual snark showing in his raised eyebrow for a moment before dying a quick death again, his voice devoid of any of his usual sarcasm, as dead as his still too light brown eyes. „Define alright.“ Hua Cheng grins helplessly at that. It has barely been two days since he had to seal He Xuan during one of his rare bouts of true madness and they´re both still bruised and hurt from their fight, tiptoeing around each other unsure of what to do after the initial bout of clinginess. Xie Lian is usually the one to look after their resident Water Demon until they´re both a little more themselves again and can pretend nothing ever much happened. And Xie Lian should be with He Xuan right now too, Hua Cheng had left them curled up on the bed to take care of some business, Xie Lian reading and He Xuan sleeping. But before Hua Cheng can ask He Xuan provides the answer to his next question on his own. „A-Lian fell asleep. He has been so tired, I didn´t want to wake him up.“ He can hear the self accusation in He Xuan´s voice –Xie Lian, tired and distressed because of him- and finally puts away his calligraphy brush, turning fully to face his lover properly. He Xuan must want something to come to him then instead of waiting for Xie Lian to wake up and he puts aside his instinctive want to reassure him for a moment. „What do you need then A-Xuan?“ He Xuan averts his gaze, opting to stare at some point in front of Hua Cheng´s feet instead of his eye, hiding his hands behind his back and his uncharacteristic timidness makes Hua Cheng itch in all the wrong places. This is not his Black Water Sinking Ships who usually doens´t care for anything much and who probably had to look up the meaning of shy in one of his beloved dictionaries when he met Xie Lian for the first time and Hua Cheng wants nothing more then to have his snarky, shameless asshole of a husband back. Anything is better then this wan shadow really. „…can you brush my hair?“ One of He Xuan´s hands comes out of hiding, holding what Hua Cheng recognizes as his favorite comb between the heavily bandaged fingers and he blinks once in confusion before lifting his hand and reaching for He Xuan, waiting for him to hand over the comb. It is an unusual request, at least directed at him, He Xuan loves getting his hair played with and it is usually Xie Lian who gets bullied into doing his customary ponytail in the mornings, not Hua Cheng. But it has also been a few days since anybody has brushed it at all, they had cleaned what they could of blood and mud when they first brought him home but after that it has been left to its own devices, resembling a bird´s nest more then He Xuan´s usually slick, soft tresses. And with his dominant hand still bandaged up tightly He Xuan couldn´t do it himself…even though Hua Cheng guessed that this wasn´t his primary point for coming to him with this request. „Come here then and sit down YuYu…your hair is a mess that will take me a while.“ He Xuan is silent when he walks over and silent when he hands over his comb and sits down between Hua Cheng´s legs, his back to him and Hua Cheng tries very hard to pretend that this is just an every day occurence for both of them, carefully separating a few strands and starting to detangle them from the ends up. He Xuan´s hair –is- a mess and it takes Hua Cheng quite a while to make some headway even though it is obvious that without a proper wash and some oils he won´t be able to do too much. It does not matter anyway. Because at some point He Xuan´s arm has snaked around one of his legs, his cheek now resting against Hua Cheng´s knee, slightly above where the skin still shows marks from the sharp teeth embedded in it not too long ago and when he can feel warm droplets soaking through the thin cloth of his pants he finally gives up any pretense of combing and slides down from the slow bench he had been sitting on, pulling He Xuan into a proper hug, burying his face into the still tangled, dirty mop of hair in front of him. He Xuan is alarmingly warm in his arms, the effects of the brutally applied seal making him feverish and Hua Cheng slides one of his own cold hands underneath the thick hair, resting it against He Xuan´s neck in an effort to make him more comfortable. „You´re very warm Yuyu, want to to have a dip in your pool?“ He Xuan shakes his head slightly, using the back of his bandaged hand to wipe across his face before looking up, studying Hua Cheng´s face intently. „No, not right now. Later maybe.“ he amends, his uninjured hand coming up to very gently caress the puffy, angry red flesh above Hua Cheng´s one good eye. The cut has healed already but the swelling would probably take another day or two to finally go down completely, leaving him squinting. Hua Cheng holds very still, partly out of instinct –something being close to his only eye always made him at least slightly nervous- partly as to not startle He Xuan into withdrawing again. This is the first time he has touched him out of his own volition since they returned after all and Hua Cheng doesn´t want to spook him. „Does it hurt?“ „Just a little. It looks worse then it is, honestly.“ „Hn.“ He Xuan very clearly does not believe him, bending forward to very gently place a kiss, first against the bruised skin of his remaining eye, then against the scarred ruin of where his other one used to be before he tore it out in his own fit of madness, gently lifting Hua Cheng´s eyepatch to do so before replacing it equally carefully. „ I am sorry.“ Hua Cheng opens his mouth to protest but a thin finger pushes against his lips, keeping him from speaking. „No, let me say it.“ He obediently closes his mouth again, kissing the fingertip instead before leaning his head into He Xuan´s hand. What attacked him and hurt him hadn´t been his He Xuan, playful and sarcastic and loving in his own special way, but something old and insane, the remnants of the demons he devoured so long ago rearing their ugly heads at the bottom of the Abyss he created out of them and temporarily managing to overwhelm their master. It wasn´t He Xuan´s fault and so Hua Cheng didn´t require any kind of apology of him for things that hadn´t been under his control after all. But if it would make him feel better he would listen. „Stop that. I can see that you are just humoring me. Bastard.“ There is the smallest sparkle of –his- He Xuan in those oh so wrong brown eyes when he gets poked in the forehead and Hua Cheng feels something deep inside him unclench, sponatenously leaning forward to kiss He Xuan onto his too warm lips, keeping their foreheads together and wishing for a moment that Black Water had never grown out of the habit of breathing so he could feel his breath on his skin, a reminder that they´re both still alive even if that hasn´t been true for a long time now. He does this with Xie Lian too when they´re both feeling raw and unsure, just staying close like this breathing the same air for a few minutes even though neither of them needs it anymore. And as much as He Xuan sometimes scoffs at them being lovey-dovey like that this time it is him humoring Hua Cheng instead. And Crimson Rain can feel Black Water´s chest rise with the first breath in what surely must have been centuries, the resulting soft trickle of air across his face uneven and wavering as if he has forgotten how to do so after all this time. But bodies are a weird thing, even magical and dead ones like their own and they will remember many things if given the chance and it doens´t take long for He Xuan´s body to remember what it was like when he still needed air moving through his lungs, his breath evening out and synching up with Hua Cheng´s at some point. They stay like this for a while, leaning against each other and breathing each other´s air before He Xuan finally speaks again. „I –am- sorry A-Cheng. I´d say I didn´t mean to hurt you like this but I would be lying. I meant to hurt you and I meant to do much worse things to you then this too. You are truly lucky I didn´t manage to take out your eye and I would have ripped you apart laughing if you hadn´t taken me out and whatever and whoever else would have been too stupid and come to close too. You had no choice but to seal me. So do us both a favor and stop blaming yourself alright?“ He has cupped Hua Cheng´s face in both of his hands, the bandage rough against Hua Cheng´s bruised skin, his eyes deadly serious for once with just the tiniest hint of gold shining through. Hua Cheng´s face turns stubborn. „Only if you stop blaming yourself for hurting me when you were not in control of yourself.“ He Xuan snorts at that and Hua Cheng thinks this might be the most beautiful sound aside from Xie Lian´s voice he has heard in the last two days. „Well, then I guess the both of us will just continue to mope until A-Lian beats some sense back into us, right?“ Hua Cheng smiles, for the first time since he dragged He Xuan to that muddy field, and kisses his nose. „Right. Now, do you want me to continue with your hair? You look like something the cat dragged in. After drowning it in a muddy pool first. “ „Fuck you too Crimson Rain“ He Xuan cuddles close, obediently turning around so his back is facing Hua Cheng again, leaning against the sinewy legs surrounding him, humming a wordless tune while playing with a loose thread on his bandages, golden-hued brown eyes half closed like a contented cat as Hua Cheng continues to work his way through the tangles. And Xie Lian smiles in his little alcove, hidden from his Devastation´s eyes behind one of the many curtains in Paradise Manor and silently retreats his steps back to the bedroom he had left a while ago, in search of He Xuan. They would be fine on their own for a while…even though Xie Lian would never be able to understand how an insult and a curse could translate to ´I love you´and `I love you too.´ Devastations, really.

#@zlodziej-wlasnej-tozsamosci #me writing things #zlodziej-wlasnej-tozsamosci

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thatgirlintheaudience · 4 years

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Jagged Little Pill: Our New Musical

Spoilers ahead and WARNING: review contains references to drug use and sexual violence

Act 1:

Is this the best overture of all time? Yes, yes it is. I don't care. The second it started I screamed like what a rush of energy. That harmonica, damn Alanis. And then as it began and the chorus came out, I already started crying. Just a rush of emotions in one minute. It was crazy. I love when they say “around and around” and they move their finger in a circle. I just think it’s cool and I love this choreography and ensemble so much. Like, the chorus is such a driving force in this show. I cannot praise them enough. And Sidi Larbi Cherkaoui’s choreography is just breathtaking. Totally unique and inventive. Nothing like I’ve seen on Broadway before. Enter the Healy family (I love them!).

All I Really Want just explains the frustration Frankie and Mary Jane feel at the world and at each other. It is crazy how perfectly Alanis’ music fits into this story and into 2020. This is a huge credit to book writer Diablo Cody who created the Healy family and this story to match with the music. Bravo! Let’s just say when each song started the man behind me said “Wow” every time. Like he realized how perfect each song went with the story/character. Just a reminder that I did see this show in its world premiere in Boston so I went in knowing certain things and may compare both productions. “I’m frustrated by your apathy” is such a good line. And they changed the lyric to “spiritual woman” and they lift up Ebony Williams as the spiritual woman. And when Frankie says, “what I wouldn’t give to find a soul mate,” MJ looked like aw I really want a soul mate for my daughter. And when Frankie says “here can you handle this?” she holds up a sign saying “fear doesn't belong in our schools.” Then when Frankie says “all I really want is a wave length” she’s sitting at the table with MJ and reaches over for her hand as if she is desperately reaching for her mother’s attention and affection. And then Frankie and MJ basically have a belt off and boy do I love it. Although I miss when MJ would stand on top of the chair and belt because that was awesome. Now she runs up to the front of the stage. And then the commotion builds and MJ takes her pills which is when the song dies out and she sighs in relief.

In Hand in My Pocket they clap and have a dance break. It’s really fun. Before Smiling we see MJ desperately trying to refill her prescription and being denied. It’s a really heartbreaking scene because she is so desperate and she says “no, I’m just a mom who got in a fender bender” like she tries to deny her addiction and pretend she is fine. Then she goes to the Connecticut Muffin and meets three snobby town moms. Shout out to Laurel Harris who plays one of the moms, the school teacher and Jo’s mom. She's perfect in every role and as a member of the chorus. Anyway these moms are totally obsessed with appearance and after this MJ meets with her drug dealer and Smiling begins which is a song that is performed backwards. Yes, backwards! It goes through MJ at the Connecticut Muffin, the grocery store, soul cycle, and ends at home when she drops her pill bottle and Steve picks it up. It is such a challenging number but it totally pays off for the look and emotion it gives. I mean, Ezra Menas jump ropes backwards! C’mon now.

In Ironic, when Frankie is reading her piece out loud all the kids are making fun of her because nothing is actually ironic and Phoenix is just fed up and sticks up for her. The spotlight is only on him when he is watching Frankie and I find it really cute. And when Frankie goes “it’s like meeting the boy of my dreams and then meeting his…” and Phoenix goes “I’m not seeing anyone.” Wow, my heart. And then their voices join together and it is like angels singing. I’m obsessed, can’t you tell? I feel like I could have used a Phoenix in some of my English classes, you feel me? SO UNSEXY. Sorry, I just love this song and Sean Allan Krill’s voice is beautiful. When Steve sings, “I can feel so unsexy to someone so beautiful” he’s at work and looks at a framed photo of MJ. Ugh. In Boston, they looked at their bodies in the mirror which I missed because I think that really justifies the song, but I’m just glad they kept it in because it’s a great song and I recommend listening to Alanis’ version as well as Alanis’ version of all these songs.

So before Perfect we have a scene between Nick and MJ. This scene as well as placing Perfect in act one was a change for Broadway and I thought it worked better. MJ is decorating their Christmas tree and has the manger scene out when she reminds Nick about how much he loved the lamb when he was little. MJ tells him how she believes he is the only thing she has done right in her life as she reiterates later in the show as well. When singing Perfect, Nick decides to go to this party and I saw it as his act of rebellion. He later states in the show something about “why does he have to be the perfect, steady person that everyone leans on and relies on?” When MJ reads his note about leaving for the party she sits on the couch and sadly looks at the lamb. :( And what a perfect (lol) song for Nick to sing and Derek just executes it with so much emotion. “Why are your cryingggggg?” Ugh!

For the party they sing So Pure. Yes! So basically, Bella, Andrew, Phoenix, Nick and Frankie show up at this party although the Healy kids and Phoenix are not party kids or that experienced with parties. In this scene we can see Bella clearly intoxicated and Andrew dragging her around and leading her off stage. Meanwhile, Phoenix and Frankie leave the party. Phoenix and Frankie sit on a swing set as they introduce their family lives to each other. Phoenix reveals he has a single mother and a very sick sister. When Frankie asks him if he could change his family, would he? He replies that he wouldn't change his family, but himself. If only he could be a better person maybe things would be different. Frankie agrees completely and they sing That I Would Be Good. Cue me shouting that this may be my favorite performance in Broadway history. I’m a huge fan of this song and to have it paired with this story and these characters is just EVERYTHING. Just gonna shout out Antonio because not only does he play Phoenix but he is also in the chorus and he sings like this! Talent! And Jo’s part in this? Don’t even get me started. We see her mom putting her in these girly clothes and when Phoenix goes “that I would be loved” Jo replies, “am I loved?” ...Did you hear my heart break? And the crack and rawness in Lauren’s voice when she goes, “even when I am oooooverwwwhelmmmmed.” Plus Jo sings “Everything is fucked when you’re not here” which I think shows how much she loves Frankie and relies on her. Then the 3 of their voices together. It's just magic. I highly recommend this show! And I just want to shout out how well I think the show represents their teen characters. All the teen characters are so multidimensional and are each going through their own set of troubles. They are seen as human beings who are just as flawed as the parents.

WAKE UP. WAKE UP. Okay, maybe this was my favorite performance? Who can say at this point? We now know Bella has been raped by Andrew and that Nick was a witness and didn’t stop it. Jo and Frankie go to Bella’s house, where Kathryn Gallagher gives a haunting rendition of the events that happened at the party leaving the audience silent. When Frankie confronts Nick, he explains how Bella was drunk and how she can be dramatic. MJ comes in and also explains to Frankie how these things happen all the time and we need to be responsible for our own actions. Cue the song. The chorus taunts Nick in this song and it is like the voices screaming in his head. They also show Bella and Andrew talking to the police. Then for Broadway they brought in these moving walls. So during this song, MJ and other characters are being pushed on these walls. Frankie also sings a part of Hands Clean in this number, another song that corresponds to Bella’s experience. It’s a number that just builds and gets chaotic and when they start singing, “get up, get outta here, enough already” and it just ends with WAKE UP. WOW. Wake up, talk about a relevant 2020 message.

Forgiven is an absolutely smashing act one finale. Elizabeth Stanley is truly giving the performance of a lifetime. Her voice is insanity. It is sad I did not know her before this show. When they are shouting “sinner” and “witch,” Bella comes in and stands in the center as the chorus surrounds her and MJ watches. There is also red lighting. This also takes place in a church. And it starts snowing and the whole cast comes out and it is just so powerful.

Act 2:

Act two starts with Hands Clean (an amazing song) and Not the Doctor as MJ and Steve go to therapy. Steve really opens up about how MJ is an amazing woman and mother. Then Phoenix and Frankie come out and both couples, but mostly Frankie and Phoenix sing Head Over Feet which is such a good song and scene. Celia and Antonio’s chemistry is amazing and they are so cute. Don’t believe me, then watch this insanely adorable music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHilyL6YfYU Also they are climbing the swing set ladder during this number and the swing set literally spins in a circle as Frankie hangs off of it living her best life. It is just a pure cute number.

So after this spoiler: Frankie and Phoenix have sex and Jo sings Your House as she walks in on them. And Your House is done acapella! Jo tells MJ and Steve leading to a huge fight between Frankie and her parents and she leaves for New York City and sings Unprodigal Daughter. Honestly, it is heartbreaking watching Jo experience Frankie’s betrayal. I believe it is at this moment that MJ and Steve have a huge fight where Steve yells, “No wonder she {Frankie} hates you.” Elizabeth and Sean are amazing together and this fight was so raw and real. Sean recently said that 95% of his performance relies and is in response to MJ/ Elizabeth which is so true. Anyway when Frankie arrives in NYC, a person comes up to her and sings “You from New York, you are so relevant.” This is a line from So Pure and I thought it was cool how they sneaked that in. I’m not sure if Alanis meant the line to be sarcastic or real but I understand both interpretations. Anyway UNPRODIGAL DAUGHTER is everything. If you have ever fought with your parents, hated your small town or wanted to run away to be with people who understood you, this. Is. your. Jam! And Frankie sells it, I mean this song was meant for her. She’s in NYC with all these cool, understanding people and they lift her up at the end like she is a queen on the throne. And the band, THE BAND, is onstage rocking out!!! The band is amazzzzing. They were having so much fun.

Bella sings Predator which is a song written for the show. This scene details Bella at the party, only Heather Lang is playing Bella as Kathryn watches it happen. Lang specifically dances as MJ and Bella. Throughout act one, she gets real close to MJ and is acting as her conscious/addiction. MJ watches this scene as Bella lays on the bed and is then replaced by MJ as we have found out that MJ was also raped in college. It is a haunting number. There is also a scene when Bella asks MJ how long it took for her to feel normal again and she fails to give her an answer.

You Oughta Know. I will say: believe the hype. But honestly believe the hype about the whole show, not just this one number. So Jo comes to get Frankie from New York and she starts this number quiet and then it builds up and the chorus and band come out. Everyone already knows how amazing this song is but Lauren really does elevate it to another level and brings a whole extra layer of emotions. Her dancing and frustration and singing with the band rocking out is just an awesome experience. There is red lighting and it is just a killer moment.

At the end of this song Frankie gets a text about her Mom and we see MJ on the couch overdosing. She sings Univinited and Heather Lang dances in this number. Elizabeth’s voice and just her movements and shaking in this scene is unbelievable. And just the backing vocals and music make it so powerful. It just sounds like a war and battle between MJ and her addiction. Bella also sings parts of this song which I found fascinating. The connection between Bella and MJ is explored more on Broadway. Also when MJ overdoses, the lights flash three times. So the lights flash and we see Steve finding MJ, then lights flash we see Nick on the phone, lights flash, there’s a doctor putting an oxygen mask on MJ. This was a new addition to Broadway I believe and I loved it. They do a similar thing in Hedwig and I just love it.

When they arrive at the hospital, Steve cannot believe the drugs MJ was on and refuses to believe she was a drug addict. He asks the doctor, “does she look like a drug addict to you?” And the doctor replies, “what do you think a drug addict looks like?” The audience felt that line. It is so true. This can happen to anyone. Mary Jane is filled with so much emotion. Steve really does love MJ and I love the backing vocals in this. Krill is amazing as Steve. “No” is powerful. Each person that sings stands in the middle and is touched by other chorus members. And all the signs are powerful and then Nick lifts his that says: Stand with Survivors. And can I belt like Kathryn? I wish. Then it ends with them standing in a line at the front of the stage and and Nick and Bella sing “it’s easy not to, so much easier not to”. Just the reprises of Wake Up in multiple songs gives me shivers. Wake Up drives so much of the show. I think before No there is a scene with the chorus members on their phones tweeting and texting nasty things about Bella and then they hold their phones out to the audience. I think this is just a reminder of how much social media and technology has changed us and how we have to remember to be nice!

Then MJ and Frankie make up during Thank U. Thank U and You Learn are just the two best songs to end a show with. They are filled with so much healing, and hope which is exactly what this show is about. And when MJ is sending the new Christmas letter she goes, “yeah I’m pretty messed up” and then she goes, “no, I’m perfectly imperfect.” We say this all the time to ourselves but we have to start believing it. No one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. We all put up these appearances and try to hide our sadness from the world. There is so much human beings go through and if you are a human being you are going to love Jagged Little Pill. It is a human story. It is healing and powerful and makes you feel all the emotions. It ends with Frankie grabbing MJ’s hand. It is a beautiful show and I think very person on this planet should see it. If you wanna talk about this show (or any show) or about the stage door, feel free to message me. Thank U Jagged Little Pill and the Jagged Little Community.

#jagged little pill #Alanis Morissette #theater review #elizabeth stanley #sean allan krill #celia gooding #derek klena #lauren patten #kathryn gallagher #antonio cipriano

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