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alpimerealmsystem · 8 months

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Shit Changes

Shit does change, so let's talk about things I didn't support but ended up being/identifying/having.

A therian. I came across therianthropy because of a yt channel hating on it, it sounded stupid, I agreed. I got bored and looked into it after about a week, turned out, holy shit I have those experiences. My past life is an animal, and I still believe my spirit is partially one, there's a word for that?

Any sorta "obscure" kintype. For me that was voidkin, like what bullshit is voidkin? Who identifies as a void? Who identifies as a creature that doesn't exist? Those were my thoughts, but nope, voidkin.

Any sorta thing involving plurality. My only thoughts were, it's just imaginary friends, it's something that they choose, blah blah blah. Nope, you have DID, you've explained DID in perfect detail to your friends when you were 10. You're a plural system, bitch.

Endogenic systems. I seriously thought they were bullshit, not real, BUT NOPE. My original origins are completely spirtual.

Really any personality disorders. This is because of how I grew up but I never thought it was real... oh God was I wrong.

The concept of religion. This is more trauma related, but I always fucking hated it. But now, I do worship my gods, I am perfectly happy with my own beliefs.

Furries, ohhhh I hated furries because of 6th grade. In sixth grade I jokingly made cat sounds and everyone called me a furry and that's sorta why I hated them but I'm technically a furry so-

XENOGENDERS- oh my God I always was like "neo pronouns are such bullshit" and shit like that, no, no fuck you child me.

GAYYY, again similar to the one above, "dating the same gender goes against what we're made for" fuck that. I'd gladly "defy the rules of nature" if it means I could be with a woman

Making this post so y'all can know, shit changes. Your beliefs can change. Your thoughts can change. It's fine, seriously. Shit happens, you won't stay the same. Hell, even your needs won't be the same, so just live your life. Be happy with who and what you are. I'm not forcing my beliefs on anyone, but this is how I've changed over the years.

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cressthebest · 2 months

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Tender Curiosities, Baby! thoughts pt. 2

chapter 2:

1. barty being referred to as “bartemus” only further confirms why he chooses not to go by that name. jesus christ, it’s a bad name

2. his father just straight up called barty gay. like, unprompted, not even with malice. wtf guys.

3. 😑😐😑😐 blink blink. why is barty straight up just deciding to be straight because he wants to spite his dad. that’s wild (i promise i love this fic)

4. barty meeting regulus <333 they’re brothers your honor! they love each other!

5. “Every time they locked eyes, he’d forget how to breathe, and Barty found himself working overtime to make Evan smile.” GAYYY

6. barty going to reg when he runs away <333333333 i love them so much

7. the origin of barty pretending to like tea for reg 😭😭

8. they may be criminals! they may murder people! but barty asks for consent when having sex with evan! and i love him for it!

9. awww barty, it’s okay if you’re gay. you’re father can be right about this one thing. it’s okay. don’t keep doing this to yourself

10. barty is literally like, i’m not gay. but i’m gonna sleep with you sometimes. but in a straight way. and i’ll also live with you. and keep you in my life forever. cause you make my life worth living, in a straight way of course 😑

11. god, i finally see the appeal of rosekiller. one of my favorite ships now, yall

12. barty 😭😭 this is getting ridiculous. evan left for a bit and he’s like, “evan broke up with us! as freinds!” like oooh you’re so close there buddy. try again.

13. regulus is so british 😭😭 “oh dear. i’ll make some tea.” jfc that was so funny to me.

chapter 3:

1. evan, my dear. distance and time will not remove your crush on barty

2. Orion is sick! fuck yeah!!!

3. oh no. sirius left reg. i knew it was gonna happen, but it hurts so bad

4. “I’m sorr–congrats-ry?” DYING. that’s what evan says when regulus says orion is dying. like jfc he’s so silly

5. evan and barty have a job with regulus now!!!!!!!!!! i can’t wait for them to be business partners forever! and no one dies 😊

6. YALL!! REGULUS IS MAKING HIS PLANS FOR *THE* HEIST

7. BARTY WAS SHOT ON THE JOB??? i feel like i knew this was gonna happen, but i’m still shocked

8. god, what’s crazy is that reg is having flashbacks to when sirius was shot. he’s saying stuff like “i won’t leave you again”. my BABIES

9. “if you ever talk to me about Sirius like that again, Evan, it’ll be the last thing you ever fucking say to me.” HOLY SHIT that’s crazy. i’m pretty sure reg just threatened evan’s life

10. 😳😳 reg was fucking barty’s doctor. that’s wild

11. the people who shot barty no longer have fingers 😦 wow

12. !!!!! reg is on the phone with james for the first time

13. oh my god. i love seeing james and reg meet from the other perspective this time. reg fixed up his hair and dressed up to meet james 😭😭

14. evan and barty are planning on being together forever!! (not yet as partners, but we’re getting there)

15. THEYRE KISSING AGAIN

16. WAIT WHAT evan just told barty to fuck off. oh my god

#marauders #mwpp #art heist baby #mwpp era #regulus black #ao3 #fanfic #evan rosier #barty crouch junior #tender curiosities baby #barty crouch jr #barty x evan #rosekiller #cress' ahb reviews

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transboysgetknives · 4 months

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hooly fucking shit oh my god oh my gayyy gay gay gay fuckkkkkkkk im im shitt im suhuyfiyiyfuyfk im so fucking gay wtfff

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borderlinenocturnal · 9 months

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gayest gays in the untamed:

‌wwx/lwj (literally married)

‌lxc/jgy (sworn brothers? you trusted his word even when all evidence stacked up against him? you agreed to die alongside him but he still pushed you to safety? gay)

‌jgy/ss (reaching for each other in your last moments? genuinely caring for each other whilst also being 2 evil lil shits? gay)

‌xy/xxc (oh cool you stopped being evil bc you enjoyed the 3 years you spent living together so much? and then you tried for years to revive him even though everyone told you it was impossible? gayyy)

‌tied with above: xxc/sl (close friends for years? you carved out your eyes for him? totally hetero bros)

‌xy/xxc/sl just make out already ok ok xxc has two hands so stop fighting over his happiness god get over yourself monogamy isn't real

‌lxc/jzx (they literally never interact in the show i just think theyd be cute)

#the untamed #mdzs #mxtx #i've only watched the show so some of the canon might be different idk #wei wuxian #lan wangji #lan zhan #dude i cannot be bothered to tag every character and ship #idek know what most of the ships are called #yi city #yi city arc #xue yang #xiao xingchen #song lan #they get tags bc theyre special to me #my posts

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jennyandvastraflint · 7 months

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Xena Reactions S1Ep1

Ohhh, don’t wanna fight anymore?

Bahhhh, men.

GABRIELLE <3

Hehe Xena intervening immediately (gay) and beating up a guy

EPIC stunts

SWORD and circle thingy?

"Tell him Xena says hello" sexy

Bewbs

"the passion" Xena approaches a woman. Gayyy

Gabrielle asks soooo many questions XD Love her

Ahhh, she’s actually engaged but wants to run away with Xena. GAYYY

SHE'S TOTALLY NOT FLIRTING XDDD

"You don't wanna make me mad, now do you?" 😂

PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, MAN.

Xenaaa

Are Draco and Xena siblings? They have sibling energy

"in love?" no, wrong. Xena is the lesbian warrior princess. Heavy on the lesbianism

GABRIELLE SNEAKSY... And she bumps into something. Clumsy

"But I don't love him" LESBIAN.

Gabrielle's hairstyle is cuuuute

Horses are so stupid… XD

Ohhh, Cyclops! He’s been blinded (Odysseus be like)

"You should find a different line of work" XDDDD

Awww, Gabrielle is so cuuute

Oop, cage

"I've been tracking her to kill her" Haaaah, "she'd never let a man get close to her" heh

I feel we're bonded in our hate for this she-demon 😊

I loooove Gabrielle. Can I marry her actually.

HEHE, CUT OFF BLOOD FLOW

HAH, Gabrielle just lying down on the street shdhdhdh

"He's very rich" Liaaaaarrrrr

"I knew Oedipus" 😂

Gabrielle has SUPER social skills so far

Mother???? Mother draws the sword

Awww, she’s made mistakes in the past

"But I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying" awww

Noooo :( Poor Xena

"What, is one woman too much for you?"

GABRIELLE YAYYYY

Ha, I love Gabrielle

She just saves Xena on her first day

"I could probably get up there behind you"

Lesbians running away together

Brother deid?

Is your path with Gabrielle? As it should. Lesbianism is the way.

"It's hard to be alone" "You're not alone" lesbian smiles THAT'S GAY ACTIVITY MA'AMS

Blergh. Draco.

"Hello, Draco." hehe

"You said one way or the other. It's the other."

HAH, STABS THE GUY IN THE NUTS

Boah, holy shit, Xena

She’s so epic

COME ON XENA WALK ON ME - lesbians everywhere

Draco on the floor hehehe

Please add that he isn't allowed to kill anyone...

Talk with Momaaa

Xena cooks

Gabrielle helloooo :D

"I won't stay home" Hehe

YOU CAN SLEEP OVER THERE LESBIANS. Friends. After a day. Lesbian speed.

#I've translated them now #v watches xena #xena warrior princess #xena and gabrielle

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33zekielz · 8 months

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:33 < forgot about tophabe, jfkonfucius or any shit LOOK AS THIS TWOOO THEY ARE SO GAYYY

#GYAGUAGAGAYGAYGAYFGAY

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rei-does-stuff · 6 months

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MAKE YOUR MARK CHAPTER 6 LIVE BLOG BABYYYYYYYY

EPISODE 1!!!!!!

-FIRSTLY I’ve been so fucking excited for this that I dreamt about it THATS RIGHT I DREAMT ABT IT

-This is gonna be the last mym chapter….:(((((

-OKOK LETS STARTT

-NO MORE SPARKY TRANSFORMING THE NETFLIX LOGO :((((

-MANESTREAM!!!

-SIBLING BONDING I LOVE THEM

-“Hold onto your cutie marks!” IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE SUNNY

-AAAA THE INTRO ITS THE LAST TIME WELL HERE THE INTRO!!!

-PIPPP YA GOTTA STOPPP

-I love you izzyyyyy

-HOW THE HELL DID SHE BLOW THOSE SO FAST, strong fuckin lungs

-BLAIZE!!!!

-All the dragons have the same model yes, but they all still look unique and pretty good IN MOTION

-OH SUNNY IS TERRIFIED

-Aww trying to put on her tough voice this is why ur my favorite sunny!!!

-AWW IZZYYYY

-I LOVE LUXXE

-Leaf is cuteee

-Tumble and him are def gay

-FOUNTAIN IS A LITTLE CREATURE….Well big creature but yk

-PIPPS FACEEE

-OH SO THEY HAVE THE SAME SHIT AS SPARKY

-OPALINEEEEE

-OOO SONG

-HER VOICE IM IN LOVE

-God that was sooo goodddd

-Love sunny rushing in to defend alicorns

-Also her putting her hoof around zipp GAYYYY

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-Hitch and your dad jokes I love youu

-Sunny trying to make friends with Blaize, IS THAT A PERSONALITY I SEE?

-Also her and Blaize? Rlly gay

-Love this green dragon (already forgot his name im a little dumb)

-SPIKEEE

-OH HIS VOICE WILL TAKE A WHILE TO GET USED TO BUT ITS NOT BAD, he finally has the deep voice he’s always wanted, good on you for the transition, plus he is total nonbinary goals

-AWW SAME HUMOR!!

-Also Sunny fangirling a bit

-AWW HE DOESNT REMEMBER :(

-TWILIGHT MENTION

-AW HIS LIL ‘Twi?’ OUGHHH

-okok so we were all pretty right on the real story!

-“You lost magic??” LMAO EVEN SPIKE IS LIKE ‘rlly???? After everything you rlly lost magic yall are wild mannn”

-When sunny gets excited her alicorn-ness starts to show, I’m not saying its a stim but it’s totally a stim

-AWW SUNNY REMINDS HIM OF TWILIGHT AAAA

-Love his speech but I wish they referenced how he thought the same but realized his true family were with other ponies

-GAYYY i need to see ship art of sunny and Blaize NOW

-ALSO WHY ARE YOU ON HER BACK SUNNY YOU CAN FLY, MORE REASON WHY SHES GAY

-YOU TWO PIPP AND ZIPP YOU CAN FLY!!!

-OUFHHHH THAT WAS SOOO GOOD!!!!

OKOK NEXT EP

EP 2

-TWO PARTER BABYY

-NO NOT THE TOGETHERNESS TREE

-The townsponies still freak just the same as g4, some things never change

-SPROUT

-‘And Pipp’s hair is still fabulous!’ I LOVE YOU ROCKY

-YEA MISTY WOULD KNOW

-LOVE THIS SPEECH UGHHH

-“That is…An option!” SUNNY DONT BE MEAN

-AWWW IM GONNA CRY

-PRINCESS SUNNY AAA

-FILLY MISTY

-‘SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO CHECK HER MESSAGES’ HAHAH

-NOOOO NOT THE DRAGONS

-SPARKY YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN

-OHH SHE KNEW SHE FUCKING KNEW MISTY BETRAYED HER

-GET HER ASS ANIMAL FRIENDS

-OOO YAY THE DRAGONS ARE BACK

-OOP NEVERMIND

-YES HITCH GET HER ASS

-OUGH SUNNY UNDERSTANDING HOW AFRAID MISTY MUST BE TO SEE HER ABUSER AGAIN AAAAA

-AAAAAA THAT WAS SOO GOOD

NEXT EP NEXT EP

EP 3!!!

-GRAB HITCHS CUTIE MARK MISTYY

-YESSS GO MISTY

-GET HER ASS

-GO AFTER YOUR GIRLFRIEND SUNNY

-OO PIPP YOU SMART

-WELL IT WORKED FOR A SEC

-UGHH I LOVE THIS INTERACTION BETWEEN MISTY AND OPALINE

-HEY YOU GOT TO DO YOUR PLAN IZZY

-SHE IS SO SMARTTT

-DAMN IT NOO

-‘We could just call’ I LOVE THEMMM

-THE NECKLACE

-NOT OPALINE PLAYING THE “you and I were not so different” CARD

-BUT ALSO SUNNY YA CANT REDEEM HER SORRY

-SPARKY YOU GOTTA BRING IT ALL BACK HOME

-SONGG

-DONT CRY REI AAAA

-NECKLACE TIME RAINBOW POWERR

-THEYRE RLLY PULLING OUT EVERY STOP

-ELEMENT OF HARMONY???

-HA GET YOUR CUTIE MARK WIPED

-AWWW

-CRYSTAL PONY TIMEEEE??

-AWWW THAT WAS AMAZING

LAST EP LAST EP

-40 MINS AND NEW NETFLIX PRESENTS LOGO

-THE MUSIC????

-THEYRE SO PRETTY

-ZIPP BEING WORRIED ABT HER GIRLFRIEND

-THEY DID ALL THE STOPS WITH THE VISUALS ITS SO PRETTY

-CRYSTAL TOWN CRYSTAL TOWN

-New threats maybe?

-MISTY I LOVE YOUU

-CRYSTAL PONIES

-SONG

-TRANCE???

-Auroricorns! New name for Crystal ponies?

-STARSHINE TIME

-AWW THEYRE ALL DOING CUTE EYES AT HITCH

-This is def giving me comfort special vibes!!!!

-Trip-Skating!

-STIMMING SO MUCH RN

-THEY DONT KNOW ABT EQUESTRIA

-Never allowed to leave? Ooooo

-SNOW PONIES

-GIRLFRIENDS AGREE WITH EACH OTHER

-If this keeps going this well this might be my fave ep

-WTFFF

-This is some freaky shit

-WTF ARE THISE????

-GRIFFINS??

-ANGEL BUNNY 2.0

-HER VOICEE

-So she’s like Opaline, but probably less fun? Interesting….

-Messed up tbh

-Maybe Allura will get a redemption arc?

-SUNIZZY CRUMBS

-SONG

-WOW she is stupid I love it

-DAMN THIS IS SOME OUR TOWN SHIT

-SNOWBALL FIGHTT

-YEA MISTY

-SONG

-So she might be back!

-VIOLET FROST

-AWWWW

-NEW FRIEND

-LETS GO COMET

-THEY EACH GETTING THEIR OWN FORM OF ELEMENTS OF HARMONY

-WHO IS THAT VOICE???

-BROTHER???

-THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING

-MANE 7 MAYBE??

-NEW GUY TOO

AAAAA I LOVED THAT, even tho there’s no more mym I’m sure tyt will be just as good once the episodes get longer!!

#rei says stuff #mlp g5 #make your mark #mlp make your mark #mlp mym #mym lb #long post

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lemoncholy-stars · 9 months

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against my better judgement i've started watching yellowjackets so let's see how this goes

could i care less about soccer. absolutely. but like. im watching it for the gay and the horror so i gotta suffer thru it

we are 4 minutes in why are they fucking stop it stop it

ooo gay ppl

oh shit her leg is fucked up

i am loosing track of characters already

uhm. what is shauna doing. girl. GIRL-

literally sobbing "if you cum inside me i will raise the baby out of spite and train it to become a killing machine that eventually hunts you down. got it?" i cannot rn

ooo paloma faith in the soundtrack slay

the jesus girl is pissing me off

oh shauna and the other girl are gayyy that is gayyy like yes she fucked her boyfriend so that's not good but like they have smth homoerotic going on

the future pov is rlly interesting narratively

oh. only 3 of them are left. okay. that's. something.

WHY DOES SHE HAVE A GUN?? okay nat is freaking me out

cannabalism? perhaps?

ok inciting incident slay

very very very glad i watched this after i was done travelling bc otherwise i would not be able to handle takeoff without crying

and that's ep 1!! very much enjoying this

#yellowjackets #mars rambles

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0inkcat0 · 3 months

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Yo!!!

Names ink! I’m an NZ hobbyist for now, started digital art in 2019 (time flies, dude…)

I use Clip Studio Pro for most art, albeit I'm a dumb dumb and usually forget my drawing tablet on holidays, so I use procreate then.

I use flipaclip on 9fps to animate (if I ever get motivation LOL)

Since I am a minor, please don't draw any of my ocs doing weird, NSFW shit, I don't want to see that. And Don't tag me in it either. If you want to draw my ocs, ship them with whoever (as long as it isn't weird).

Fandoms: LITERALLY MOST MUSICALS BUT HERES A LIST OF ONES I REALLY LIKE

hadestown hamilton wicked be more chill little shop of horrors newsies SWEEEEEEENYYYYY TOOOOODD!!! the demon barber of Fleet street.

games GAMES GAMES GAAAMES!

smile for me genshin

yeaah.. I don't play many games ANYWAYS! BOOKS!

Literally talk about newsprints and endgames and I will love you. (Made by Ru Xu) you've reached sam made me SOB. PLEASE READ IT. Project naught, gayyys.. CASE STUDY OF VANITAS MANGA! HOLY SHIT I LOVE THEM!

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thewardenofwinter · 10 months

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Nine People Tag

Hello! Returning for a short while now that my housing situation has cleared up a bit, so I'm starting off with an easy tag so I don't have to share my writing (mostly because I haven't been lmao). Thanks for the tag @rmgrey-author! You can find their og post here.

Gently tagging: @writernopal, @winterandwords, @rubywrite, @crowandmoonwriting, @elshells, and anyone else that wants to join!

Answers under the cut:

Three Ships

Alucard/Greta/Sypha/Belmont from the Castlevania netflix series. I don't care what people say, they all was fucking. I was SO scared during the last season when Greta was introduced that it would ruin my favorite throuple but she adds on PERFECTLY.

Ymir/Historia from Attack On Titan. Rewatched season 2 recently (the best season imo) and safe to say, I still love women. I am also mentally ill.

Ezio/Da Vinci from Assassin's Creed 2. Gayyy gayyy homosexual gayyyy.

Currently Listening

I am OBSESSED with Queens of the Stone Age's new album In Times New Roman that was released last month, particulary Obscenery and What The People Say (the song titles for this album are top tier btw.) I'm hoping to see them when they come to my town this September! Also Wasteland, Baby! as usual. Nothing has changed on that front.

Last Movie

Rewatched Underworld for the... millionth time.I recently bought the entire series on DVD because some old man with my EXACT movie taste died and donated all his mvies to Goodwill and I spent over 40 bucks on a shit ton of DVDs and a cool trenchcoat. Who let me have adult money?

Currently Reading

I recently picked up Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake, a really interesting fantasy novel since I've started a new fantasy project. (gasp). I really like the world building and prose so far so I hope the series is as good as this first book. There's also a LOT of books in this series so I might just read this one and call it quits depending on how it ends.

Currently Watching

Nothing at the moment, been too busy and stressed to consume any content other than my comfort movies haha. I'm not a big TV show watcher anyway, and when I do it's on 2x speed because theres no way I'm wasting an entire day to catch up with shows that have already started. #bringback30minuteepisodes

Currently Consuming

I am about to make some lavender early grey w/ milk. My favorite nighttime/fancy author drink.

Currently Craving

Attention.

#nine people tag #writeblr #writing #my writing #tag game #writblr tag games

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skinnymeanfaggot · 8 months

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not to be gayyy but **** was such a dumb piece of shit for giving up blue when they had him. like COULD NOT be me honestly. im just so in awe u know its like having 2 billion dollars and being like "i dont want this" and throwing it in the trash. absolutely stupid move but very very good in my case as i guy who loves money and cute boys

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bookshelfmonkey · 2 years

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So, I've finished my reread of Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White.

This time round, I tabbed a bunch (by that I mean, a metric fuck-ton) of quotes.

Because I'm an english lit student at heart, I'm going to list them here, with a bit of (likely incoherent) analysis where it seems fit.

Hell Followed With Us spoilers ahead. These quotes are in order of when they appear in the book, so read as far ahead as you want.

"'You awake?'

'No'"

Honestly this just reminded me of a book I loved as a kid. We're starting with a light one

"'I'm super trans. Like, an honestly heretical amount of trans. Why?'

I've never met another trans person before."

This took me back to when I first found my community and started to feel a little less alone.

"Make them suffer."

Revenge.

"Shedding my insides out one orifice is more than enough"

"Thanks for the brain rot, Mom"

"Being autistic was just another thing his parents could hold over his head, could carve into his skin as they reminded him what a failure he was."

"he digs his palms into the rough carpet until his skin stops trying to crawl off his body"

Meltdowns. Gotta love 'em.

"His leg is still bouncing, but it always does that"

Despite this being one of my more "socially acceptable" stims, I still get a lot of shit for it. It was nice to see it mentioned in a book.

"and even with Erin, he finds himself trying not to be too autistic"

"Being transgender is who you are. The pain is what happens when you and the world go for each other's throats."

Although I still experience a lot of dysphoria related to my physical form that I still think I would experience if I was never again perceived by another human, a lot of my dysphoria and suffering comes from what the world has done to me. It took me a while to accept that.

"The lengths she's going to in order to avoid saying autistic is admirable"

Yeah, I hate it when people do that. Autistic isn't a dirty word. I also appreciate people not revealing that to others without my consent. It's a difficult line to walk.

"'It's okay to be scared,' he says.

I say, 'I'm scared all the time. I'm tired of it."

Yeah. This is definitely an attitude I get in response to my mental health and I hate it.

"dysphoria had to wrap its hands around my neck and hold me down, baptism in drowning, before I faced the fact that living as a girl would kill me long before the angels did"

"How dare you imply I'm heterosexual. I am disgusted and appalled."

"My dysphoria burns. I'll never get to have that. I've come to terms with it, sure, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt."

"It's harder for someone to pin you down as a girl when they need a moment to pin you down as human"

"I've always been his boyfriend, his fiancé, his future husband. Always Benjamin. Always me.

All that gets reduced to an elegant, 'Gayyy.'"

"Everything hurts. I want to take handfuls of my face and pull it off."

This feels like a metaphor for dysphoria.

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."

The raw power of some of these lines.

"it is a relief to let go of the wrong pronouns. The actual ones are a blessing because they are the truth, and as much time as Nick spends lying, the truth is beautiful."

"I open my mouth to speak but can't"

"it's helpless, I never asked for this ... I'm a kid, and all I ever do is ruin things"

"'I don't know how to tell if I like someone. I don't know how it works, and I don't want to be wrong.' He says, 'I don't know why you would like me, I don't understand.' He says, 'There are no rules for this. It scares me'"

I can only hope I will find someone who understands this. In the meantime, I have this book.

"I will be good. I will make the angels fucking suffer."

"Do you believe in God?

- I do, please stop, there's so much blood"

"Nick told me that 99 per cent of lying is just figuring out what the other person wants to hear. He said it's what the Angels have always done, and I laughed because otherwise it would have hurt too much to acknowledge"

"I will be good, I will be good, I will be good, and I will feel far worse things than this."

"Hell has followed us onto Earth, and I am the monster that has brought it forth."

"We are alive, we are alive, holy shit, we are alive."

Thank you for listening to this TED talk.

#hell followed with us #i love this book so much #brain rot #which is ironic #considering the literal brain rot #i am very trans #and very autistic #and so is this book #trans #autism #queer #books #book quotes #my posts

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alicealder · 10 months

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i. "cast iron skillet" - jason isbell and the 400 unit // ii. tonight i'm someone else: essays; the end of longing - chelsea hodson // iii. "rx (medicate)" - theory of a deadman

( gdocs version since tumblr beta is super annoying )

quick stats !

full name: alice audrey alder

date of birth: september 17th, 1966

zodiac big three: virgo sun, pisces moon, libra rising, leo venus

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: home of sexual

ethnicity: white

nationality: us american

religion: agnostic

languages spoken: english (5), spanish (4), latin (3)

enneagram: 2w3

mbti: enfj

temperament: phlegmatic

alignment: true neutral

refresher !

triggers: shitty parenting, the briefest implication of homophobia

Mom, Annabelle “Anne” Alder, kinda really sucks. I guess we’ll go with the version where she’s not a televangelist even though televangelism is super fun and was booming in the 1980s, I just think we know the other version better. Still a lil menty ill tho.

But Alice’s daddy, Allen, and sister, Alice 1.0, died a week before she was born so you know <3 hard to blame her tbh <3

Still weird that she was like “okay if I can’t have Alice 1.0 I’ll have Alice 2.0”

Momma Alder was like “you’re gonsta be perfect just like ur dad!” and Alice was like “okay how” and momma was like “uhhhh get good grades, be successful, marry a rich guy, be hot” and Alice was like “okay bet”

Mamma Alder also married a rich guy, our bestie Brian, who was like… 20 years her senior. So she had an affair with the poolboy. But honestly that stuff wasn’t too important in the great grand scheme of things – Brian was, though!

Anyway, Alice totes got good grades and was hot! But a rich guy wasn’t in her cards :\ Maybe a rich girl though!

Is Lux rich?

Fell in love with childhood friend Lux Lewis in late 1981 and it lasted around a year.. So that’s basically late sophomore - junior on her end, late freshman - sophomore on Lux’s.

Gradually phased out as Lux got closer to another lesbian we know 🤨(only we don’t know it IC 😔). But Alice was still Lux’s little bitch for the time being.

Idk if the Wonderland dance happened in this timeline... In any case, Lux going bitch mode after the lesbian ‘rumor’ was pinned on Alice still happened! So did the fight between Alice and Anne, though that was a few more months in. So did it getting worse when Alice was like *coach ben vc* hear that, furry little friends?! I’m GAYYY. *end vc* So did Brian leaving to go to a five-star retirement home.

Anyway, a slight change is that Brian paid the tuition, but Alice still went to live with Indigo… for the time being 🤨

update time !

triggers: drugs. so many drugs., some shitty parenting thrown in there considering brian’s involvement and (arguably!) indigo’s solution

Weed and alcohol weren’t entirely foreign – they were both present at basically all the parties thrown – but Alice had never partaken in them beyond a slight buzz. Up until, of course, the winter of 1983. Just to balance things out, right? Just to make the world seem a little chiller during the crux of her final year in high-school, right?

But all of the shit that came with it – related to Lux or not – eventually brought it to a null spot. And Brian (who didn’t think to ask anything about it), ever the caring father figure, offered what used to help him through his rough patches! A little pill!

As of right now, I’m basically just typing out the timeline I wrote down. So with nothing smooth to say, Alice found herself a regular Vicodin user by the Spring of 1984.

And, while all things preceding the date were stressful enough, that brings us to entering college! Yay! Brian’s started paying tuition and there was that huge blowout and she’s living with Indigo now, so on and so forth. Anyway, now that that’s been refreshed:

Fall of 1984… Maybe someone would point to Lux and the bullying. Maybe someone would point to Anne Alder, suddenly without child and husband. Maybe someone would point to the lack of a stable home. But the truth was that it was none of that, and it was all of that.

The first few months, Alice was doing her best to keep up. She was still keeping her grades way up, she was still working hard to maintain her friendships, she was still trying to keep up a semblance of a life – she would have been dubbed ‘functioning.’ But something… just broke. Seemingly out of nowhere, something cracked.

*It happened slowly, then all at once. General stress – stress that seemed normal – snapped. There were voices and delusions and–

–Brian’s donations weren’t enough anymore. After searching, after a chance finding, Alice crossed the snow line…

And it… worked. The stress had dissipated and life… it was so much better. As long as she rolled the snow up on the 8hr schedule it needed, life was beautiful!

For a while.

When Winter rolled around, it was plain for Indigo to see that Alice was not just smoking doobage. In fact, she wasn’t just smoking anything anymore – not if the cotton ball and shoelace had anything to say about it!

Thus, Indigo (real name: Angela), past groupie (who “Angie” by the Stones had clearly been written about) who had seen the dangerous outcomes firsthand, was… in essence, like, “Get your shit together!”

But if some missing money, pinpoint pupils, and a nod off that led to a close call with godsmack had anything to say about it… Alice was not, in fact, getting her shit together.

Indigo had never planned on being a mother, and though she was much more caring and empathetic than her sister, she wasn’t prepared for… how to deal with this (unless it was Eric Clapton who clearly got clean for her). At the end of the day, is anyone? Especially when the main source of said kid’s cost of living was coming from an indirect enabler? (See: Brian <3)

Not knowing what else to do if Alice wouldn’t agree to seek help, she made the hesitant decision to kick her out.

Lucky for Alice, there was one vacant house in Cherry where someone she knew had been able to claim squatter’s rights – that someone being Oliver (who, outside of alcohol and weed, could be considered a surprising straight-edge given what he’d seen his mom go through at the hands of SUD).

Yes, I’m connecting my two characters. Yes, I am using this cop-out. *Ariana Grande vc* And what about it?

When Spring rolled around, her role in ‘the gang’ was nearly non-existent, existing more as a ghost than a person. Which was about how life was going. Moving through it like a ghost, disconnected from the Earth, watching from a state of limbo, becoming a distant memory.

r/im14andthisisdeep

She still managed to get by in CCU, though not without strife and sliding grades. Speedballing helped, but even then, she was distracted.

Oliver tried giving her the movie star speech… which didn’t work, but it was worth a shot!

Fall came and so did sophomore year’s tuition payment… some of which was pocketed and spent on things that should not have been important as they felt.

Outside of that, it was largely uneventful. Just repetition of how life had been for the past… year and a half? But it wasn’t as fun as it used to be. And most bridges had burned themselves (hell, save for Brian, every bridge with family had burned down). And there would never be anything fun again, would there be? She stays in the routine, it’s normal. She breaks it and tries to get sober? At best, it’s boring. At worst, it’s hell on Earth. And she would choose routine over that any day! If she’d already lost most everything she could lose, why bother? The only things she had left were school (and she would be on academic probation in Spring – if she were kicked out… who cared anymore?), an empty house (was there much of a difference between an empty house – that desperately needed repairs – with one guy and a street?), the few bridges she hadn’t burned (a lighter would come eventually), and a beating heart (did it matter anymore?). Burn it down.

That was the prevailing thought until one Ford Freese entered the picture in early December, an offer to pay for a 30-day inpatient stay over the CCU winter break.

…winter break totally isn’t for deus ex machina purposes!

In any other case, she would’ve declined the offer with enthusiasm – some of the only enthusiasm she still showed! But the one thing she hadn’t thought of? The one thing she hadn’t thought to add to her list of things that could be stripped from her? Her freedom. Aha, don’t arrest me! Aha, I’m too sexy to go to jail for 7+ years!

Let it be known that he never actually threatened arrest – or anything even close! – but you see a man with a badge…

She entered rehab on the first day of their winter break. The methadone helped with the detox, but not with the… worth. Nonetheless, she walked out of rehab two days after CCU had begun the Spring semester.

A month later, she had ‘completed’ the outpatient program – during which she’d been doing her damndest to get off academic parole. Without any funding for something like a methadone clinic – or, I don’t know, a therapist? – it was her and her willpower!

And, credit where credit is due, staying sober due to a sense of obligation? Of ‘you did this grand gesture for me, I can do this one thing for you’? Well, it was working! Enough to get her to NA!

But, even nearly eight months later, everything feels rather askew. She’s part of the gang again, not a ghost… but is she? She’s back to her role of ‘great student’... but is she? Lux has lost her influence… but has she?

Well… Hollywoo Stars and Celebs! What Do They Know? Do they Know Things? Let’s Find Out!

updated tl;dr !

Alice started doing drugs about eight months earlier than her Cherry 1.0/2.0 counterparts.

She developed a tolerance to Vicodin and didn’t have the benefit of seeing Lux’s ghost because… Lux isn’t dead (or presumed dead), so she moved up the ladder of gateway drugs and, following a bit of a menty b in her freshman year of college, she started using smack.

Eventually got kicked out of Indigo’s house for understandable reasons and went to squat live with Oliver (deus ex machina!).

Yanno. shit happens!

Was not successfully enticed to enter recovery until Ford Freese offered to pay for rehab (and, even then, it was just because “oh this guy has a badge I don’t want to go to jail im so sexy for that aha”). Got clean.

Has been sober for nearly eight months now… mainly out of obligation!

But my favorite form of character growth is character descent :elmosmile:

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