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katiemccabeswife · 2 months

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Awkward Conversations Outfits

Alexia Putellas x Teen!Reader || Alexia overhears a conversation and assumes the worst, leading to a confusing and awkward conversation.

she wrote something! i apologise for the lack of fics but i don't want to give you guys some half-assed writing that i'm not proud of, and i haven't written anything anywhere near my own standards lately (not that i've been able to finish anything) so i hope you enjoy this and that i can get back into the grove of writing and give yous some more fics x

"And then once I think I've figured it out, I second guess myself and think it's too ugly and that I'm going to be judged and then when I look around, there's just clothes everywhere and all I wanna do is out on my frumpiest sweats and cry into my pillow! I don't understand how you guys do it!" Alexia was stunned to hear you rant so freely about a subject she had never heard you utter a word about.

She walked through the door halting your conversation, "Hola, chicas!" She announced herself and watched you slump back into your chair while Ingrid and Frido shared a glance.

"Hola, Ale," You grumbled out, disheartened.

Ingrid struck up a new conversation between the four of you as the rest of the team began to trickle into the changing room. Alexia remained silent though, trying to come up with a reason as to why you wouldn't come to her about this sort of thing, why it had to be Ingrid and Frido you chose to confide in. While it would definitely be an awkward conversation, Alexia would be more than happy to have that sort of talk with you. After taking you in at a young age, you had both bonded so well your relationship resembled that of mother and daughter.

You noticed Alexia seemed to be a little distanced and quiet so you made a move to check in on her when the team started to head out to the pitch, "Hola, Ale," You greeted, wrapping your arms around her and pressing your cheek to hers.

Her arms came to hold yours but she moved her cheek away from yours to lay a quick peck to it, "Hola, bebé, everything ok?" She rested her cheek on yours once again, relishing in the closeness and comfort it provided.

Your brows furrowed slightly, "Of course, I actually came to check on you," You giggled.

Alexia sighed as she saw this as you deflecting. She pulled away from you wholey before holding your face between her palms, "Well thank you for thinking of me, I'm fine, thank you," She pecked her lips against your forehead, filling your soul with warmth, "You know you can always talk to me, right? About anything. No judgement, sí?" She was looking deep into your eyes for any sign of sadness or lies.

All she could find was confusion, "Sí, you sure you're feeling alright?" You jokingly placed the back of your hand on her forehead.

Alexia responded by shoving your head in the opposite way, "Enough now," The lightness in her tone assured you that she was only joking.

Training went on, as usual, you were paired with Keira for drills meaning that you never got the chance to speak directly to Alexia until you were heading out to her car. You spent the drive home with a furrow in your brow uncanny to the one that rested on Alexia’s face as the older woman remained quiet and seemed lost in thought.

Once you arrived home Alexia haphazardly threw the keys onto the kitchen counter before turning to you who stood awkwardly between her and your bedroom, “You can go shower, Cari, dinner should be ready in an hour,” The small, tight smile she wore forced you to reciprocate but filled your mind with anxiety and guilt that came from an unknown source.

After showering, unpacking and repacking your training bag you shuffled out to the living room stiffly to find Alexia resting on the couch, watching some trashy reality tv. Her head raised from its slumped position, “Hola, Princesa,” She tapped the seat next to her, signalling you to join her which you did instantly.

She wrapped her arms around you and ran her hands through your freshly washed hair, “Are you sure you are feeling alright?” She spoke softly but her tone was heavy with concern.

You shrugged your shoulders, admitting defeat, “I feel like you’re upset with me,” You mumbled into her chest, limbs tense and eyes trained on the tv.

You lowered your head as Alexia manoeuvred the two of you so you were facing one another, “Why would you think that?” She lifted your chin with her fingers.

“You just seem…off, and I can’t help but think that I had something to do with it because you seemed fine in training laughing with ‘Tana and stuff.” You unknowingly jutted out your bottom lip, reminding Alexia of your youth.

She shuffled apprehensively in her seat, “It’s just that I accidentally heard your conversation with Ingrid and Frido and felt a little upset you didn’t come to me about it,” She was shy to admit she had basically eavesdropped on your very private conversation.

“Oh,” Alexia was too busy looking everywhere but your eyes to notice the relief in your tone.

“So,” She shrugged now feeling awkward and uncomfortable, “Is there anything you want to ask me?”

“I guess just how you manage to feel sure of yourself and confident with whatever you’re wearing?” Alexia’s eyes bulged out of their sockets and her mind began to run 100 miles per minute.

She turned pink at the question, her reaction throwing you off significantly, “Wearing!? I didn’t think you- I thought-” She was stumbling over her words and by now you were in a state of total confusion. She managed to get herself together and forced out a string of advice, “Well, everyone looks different but everyone is beautiful and there is no one way to look and if you are truly scared your partner is going to judge you, you shouldn’t be with them, let alone trust them with your body,” She had you in the first half but your brain completely melted by the second.

You cut her off instantly, “Ale, what are you talking about? That whole conversation was about how I never know what to wear before games and going out to dinners, stuff like that. I was frustrated with how you, Ingrid, Frido and the whole team to be fair, always look so cool and confident. What are you thinking it was about?”

“¡Oh, gracias a Dios!” She looked to the ceiling as she fell against the back of the couch, “I thought it was a whole other conversation about something way more uncomfortable,” She laughed to herself.

“Oh, Ale! Gross!” You whacked her while joining in on her laughter.

She took a deep breath before continuing, “You just have to own what you’re wearing, you are gorgeous and will look good in anything! Trust me,” She emphasised when she saw you roll your eyes, “How about after dinner, we go look in your closet and pick out some outfits so this weekend you have options for before the game? Sí?”

You nodded with a smile on your face, “Gracias, Ale,” You moved over to her and she wrapped you in her arms, laying a kiss on your temple. You stilled for a moment before taking a deep breath, “I think dinner is burning,” You said calmly.

Alexia hummed before taking in what you said, “¿Qué?” She yelled and pulled away, running to the kitchen as you doubled over with laughter.

#woso community #woso #woso x reader #espwnt #woso imagine #alexia putellas x reader #alexia putellas #sefutbol fem #ingrid engen #fridolina rolfö #woso fanfics #barca femeni #barca femini x reader

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krirebr · 5 months

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I Know I Should Know Better 4

Pairing: Curtis Everett x Female Reader, references to past Colin Shea x Female Reader & past Johnny Storm x Female Reader

Word Count: ~3.5k

Summary: Curtis has been working as your body guard for almost two years now. Standing by and watching you work and party your life away is becoming more and more difficult, but is there anything he can do about it?

Warnings: Angst, adult themes, complicated power dynamics, minor age difference (not explicit in this part, but reader is mid-twenties and Curtis is early thirties), drinking & implied drug use, explicit language, bad boyfriend (Colin continues to be awful, even though we haven't actually seen him since part 2), self-destructive behavior, anxiety, negative self-talk. She's still having a bad time, you guys. All of my work is 18+ - Minors DNI

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

A/N: Well, here it is! As I currently have it planned, this will be seven parts, so we're officially past the halfway point now. This part's a little shorter, but I'm hoping you'll think it's worth it.

Big thanks to @drabblewithfrannybarnes for helping me nail down the new character here! (If you don't remember doing that Carly, it's because it was ages ago 🤣)

Any comment, reblog, or ask to let me know what you think will be greatly appreciated. Even if it's just screaming at me. 😄 As always, thank you so much for reading! 💜

The drive to the restaurant was uncomfortable. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was just you. Sitting in the backseat alone, while Curtis and Jensen quietly conversed in the front, you felt ridiculous. You should learn how to drive. You were a grown woman who couldn’t even get herself anywhere—just another way you didn’t know how to be responsible for yourself.

You stared at Curtis in the front seat. It’d been a few weeks since your boundaries conversation. You hadn’t spoken to him much since. He was right. It was better. Cleaner. But you missed being able to talk to him.

Something had changed about the way he watched you though. You would swear that it was more intense now, the way his eyes followed you around the room. And it always seemed like he had something to say, he’d just never say it. He didn’t make any sense.

You took a breath. You were nervous about this lunch. You weren’t entirely sure what the purpose of it was, aside from the fact that Marnie Reynolds had wanted to meet. You hadn’t seen her in years and then she just texted you out of the blue two days ago, asking if you wanted to have lunch. You assumed she was going to pitch you something. Why else would she want to talk? You hoped it’d be something easy to agree to. It would make Wilford and Tanya feel better if someone actively wanted to work with you, at the very least.

The restaurant wasn’t the kind of place you normally went to. It was nice, but tucked away, not designed for those who wanted to see and be seen. Marnie had chosen it. She was waiting for you at a small table in the back, even more private. She stood as you approached and enveloped you in a warm hug. She was just as glamorous as you remembered, suddenly hit by memories of sitting in her trailer while she let you try on her jewelry. She’d always been so nice to you. “Oh, honey, it’s so good to see you,” she said as you both sat down.

You smiled and nodded. “It’s good to see you, too. How are you?”

“Oh, good, good,” she said with a big smile. “Just got back from a shoot in Greece. Happy to be home.” Her eyes lost a little of their luster as she asked, “How are you, darling?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” you said. You could tell she wanted you to say more, but you just nodded and shrugged.

“Well,” she looked at you carefully, “I can’t get over how grown up you are. I know it’s silly, but I think I’ll always see you as the sixteen-year-old I met at the table read ten years ago.”

“You and all of America,” you said dryly before you could think better of it.

Instead of chastising you, she just nodded. “I’m very grateful I didn’t have to grow up so publicly and then have to make that transition to being an adult. I can’t imagine how hard that is.”

You shrugged again. You didn’t really know what to say to her.

“Which, speaking of, I owe you an apology.”

Panic rose in your chest. Oh, god. Had she sold a story about you? Said something private in an interview? Blocked you from a new role? You weren’t sure you could handle one more thing right now. “Oh?” you asked shakily.

She nodded, seriously. “I should have done a better job of keeping in touch with you after we’d finished the movie. I owed you that much. I’m sorry.”

You furrowed your brow, confused. “That’s fine. You’ve been so busy. I didn’t really expect you to remember me. I mean, you won an Oscar. I know how much work that takes.”

“Mmm,” she said, “and you sent me flowers.”

You shrugged. You just kept shrugging. “Well, you were always kind to me, and I was so happy for you. It seemed like the least I should do.”

“You were always so sweet. I’m so happy to see that hasn’t changed.”

At the sincerity on her face, you looked down at your menu. You didn’t know what to say to that.

“How’s your mom?” she asked, her tone strangely cautious. “Is she still your manager?”

“Oh, no. Wilford helped me get a new one when I turned 18. He thought I needed someone more experienced.”

She let out a breath, almost like she was relieved. “I have to admit, I’m happy to hear that.” You gave her a confused look and she continued softly, “She was always so hard on you. It was part of why I always invited you to my trailer. It seemed like you could really use a break from her.” She gave you another impossibly warm smile. “Plus, you were such great company. I loved making that movie with you.”

You couldn’t hide your relief when the server chose that moment to take your orders. You didn’t know what to do with the fondness in Marnie’s eyes.

Once you were both done ordering, you decided you were ready to talk business. “So, what’s the project?” you asked.

She looked confused. “Project?”

“Uh, yeah. Whatever you wanted to pitch me? The reason you asked me here.”

“Oh, honey, no, I’m sorry. There’s no project. I just wanted to see you.”

That didn’t make sense. That she didn’t want to work with you again made sense. No one did, so of course she didn’t either. But then why else were you here? “I don’t understand,” you said quietly.

She let out a sad little sigh. “I’ve seen some of what’s been going on with you, online, and it just seems like you need a friend. I want to be that for you. I think about you more than you know.”

“Oh,” was all you managed to say.

She grabbed your hand over the table. “There’s so much going on for you right now. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, and then to have to deal with it in public too.”

You didn’t say anything, just looked at your joined hands on the table. Then, finally, still looking down, “Uh, yeah. I’m having a pretty hard time.”

She squeezed your hand. “I’m so sorry. I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk about it.”

You finally looked up and nodded, but didn’t say anything else. You weren’t sure you could.

She looked at you carefully. “Have you thought about taking a break at all?”

You were reminded of Curtis, sitting on your couch, looking at you so earnestly, talking about taking a year off. You shook the image out of your head. “No,” you said. “It isn’t a good time. My reputation isn’t great right now, so I need to get back out there and show people that I can do the work. I need to fix it.”

“Mmm,” she hummed, “that sounds like agent speak.”

“Well,” you shrugged, “he’s right.”

“Remember, though,” she said, slowly, “that you’re a person, too. Not just a career.”

You just looked at her, blankly. Your career had been the most important thing about you since you were nine years old. You didn’t know how to separate the two. Luckily, that was when the server returned with your food, and Marnie graciously took it as a sign to take over the conversation for the rest of your meal. She talked about the movie she’d just finished, how her kids were doing, and the large garden she was planting at home. It was nice. You couldn’t remember the last time you’d had a meal out with a friend like this.

Still, you left the restaurant feeling raw and restless. You weren’t sure what to do with that conversation, the hard parts of it. The way she looked at you like she actually saw you. There was an itch in you now that just made you want to run.

Instead, as soon as you got home, you poured yourself a glass of sangria from the pitcher your housekeeper kept in your fridge and took the latest script Wilford had sent you onto your deck. You could feel Curtis watching you as you moved through the glass doors. That was his job, you told yourself. It was just his job.

The script fucking sucked. It was awful. The opposite of what you wanted to do. But you knew what Wilford would say. Beggars can’t be choosers. This was your fault. You were the one who’d destroyed your reputation. You had to be the one to fix it. And if making shit like this would fix it, then that’s what you had to do. Too many people relied on you for you not to do whatever you could, take whatever paychecks you could get. You hated it. You hated it so much. But you would do it.

You picked up your phone. You hadn’t realized how much time had passed. It was well into the evening now. There was a text from Michelle an hour ago, letting you know she’d left. And a few minutes ago, one from Nikki, a girl you partied with sometimes, that just said ‘Fuck them both!’

What the hell did that mean? Panic began to crawl up your throat and your hands started to shake as you typed your name into Google and clicked on News. Your stomach dropped. Johnny Storm, that snowboarder you’d barely dated over a year ago, apparently had a podcast now. And the latest episode, posted that day, featured Colin Shea as its guest. Shit. Fuck. You couldn’t even look at what they’d said. There was no point. It was all just the same old bullshit.

You felt tears start to prick at your eyes. Why couldn’t everyone just leave you the fuck alone? You weren’t even that interesting. How could they possibly have anything to talk about?

Fuck that, you thought, as you stormed back into your house. You distantly registered Curtis calling after you, but you didn’t pay any attention. You were too focused. You headed straight up to your bedroom. They wanted something to talk about? You’d fucking give it to them! You charged into your closet and grabbed the sluttiest, shiniest dress you had. Fuck yeah. You could do this. You would be exactly who they wanted you to be. If they wanted a show so fucking badly, you’d give them one.

You ran back downstairs, looking for a particular pair of earrings that a costar had given you as a wrap gift a couple of years ago – huge dangly ones that said Fuck on one ear and You on the other. There was nothing subtle about what you were going for tonight.

You’d have to think of someone to call, too. Someone suitable for the kind of scene you wanted to make, the kind of big mistake you wanted to fall into. You were so fucking tired of holding it all together. You were done. Your mind immediately landed on Lucas Lee, your costar in that dumb action movie last year. He was awful but so hot. Nothing but trouble and always up for whatever. Perfect.

As you entered your living room, your eyes landed on one of your jewelry boxes on the coffee table. There they were! As you picked up the box, you realized Curtis was sitting by himself on the couch. You saw him take in your short, sparkly dress and grimace. You weren’t in the mood to analyze it. “I’m going out,” you announced. “Have Jensen get the car ready.”

You were already moving through, headed back upstairs when you heard Curtis rasp, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

You turned on a dime. “Excuse me?”

“I think,” he said slowly, so calmly you wanted to break something, “that going out right now, in the sort of mood you’re clearly in, would be a very bad idea.”

What the actual fuck? “Since when,” you asked, your voice quiet with seething anger, “is it your job to tell me what to do?”

He shook his head and you didn’t know how to react to how sad he looked. “I’m not telling you to do anything. I’m asking you to stay home tonight. For your own safety, which very much is my job.”

You just stared at him, dumbfounded. You didn’t understand him. He told you you weren’t friends. He was the one who said he was just your bodyguard. So what the hell was he doing now?

In the moment you stood frozen, just staring at him, he took a cautious step forward. “Did something happen?” he asked barely above a whisper.

You shook your head furiously. You felt like you could barely form words. You were so angry and lost, and scared, and sad, and confused. You were feeling more than you thought your body could contain. And you knew, you knew, the only way to get these feelings out would be to go out and get as wild as you could. And here Curtis was, not letting you. You were afraid you were going to explode. “That’s fine,” you finally got out, ignoring his question. “You don’t have to come with me. Jake neither. I’ll get a fucking Uber.” You took a step towards the opening of the room. “Go home Jake!” you shouted through the house. “I won’t need you tonight!”

Curtis sighed your name. “I’m not going to let you go out by yourself,” he said firmly.

You threw your hands in the air. “Then make up your goddamn mind!”

Jake appeared in the doorway, looking confused and Curtis turned to him. You took the opportunity to get back to the safety of your room, leaving your security detail to figure their shit out. Once back in your room, you dug through the jewelry box until you found the earrings you were looking for. You heard your back door open and close. Good. Jake, at least, was gone. You knew Curtis would be harder, but you were fucking determined.

Just as you were opening Uber on your phone, Curtis appeared in your doorway. “What,” you growled.

“Would you just listen to me for a minute?!” He said, not quite a yell, but not not that either, as he barged into your room. All of his practiced calm from downstairs was completely gone. “Something bad is going to happen if you go out tonight! It is, I know it is. And I know you can feel it too!”

“Why do you care?!” You shouted at him. “No one else does! Why do you care so much?!”

“You know why!” he shouted back, and took another step toward you, but then suddenly stopped. Much, much quieter, much softer, and with eyes so pleading, he said “You must know.”

You didn’t. You really don’t think you knew until that moment, when the realization slammed into you. Every look, every sigh, all of the moments of him that hadn’t made sense. You took a step back. “What?” you breathed, barely realizing that you were shaking.

He took a step forward to follow you, then stopped. He opened his mouth to say something, but you shook your head at him. “No,” you said. “You can’t.”

“I can’t?!” he asked, incredulous and upset again.

“No!” you shouted, but it was so much weaker now. “I just– Why would– I’m such a fucking mess!” You were starting to cry, the adrenaline of the last half-hour finally leaking out of you, replaced by that same bone-deep exhaustion that you’d had for too long. “I barely have a high school education. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. No one wants to work with me. I am barely keeping it together and everyone knows it. I’m a trainwreck! Why would you–” You couldn’t bring yourself to say the words that you knew he meant. “Why would you have feelings for someone like that?”

The sadness was back in his face. You looked away, unable to bear it. In your periphery, you saw him take a cautious step forward, then pause. When you made no move to run, he eliminated the distance between you, standing directly in front of you. He slowly, gently, carefully brought one hand up to touch your face, caressing your cheek with his thumb. “I know,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “I know all that and I still love you. Because I also know that somehow, despite everything, you are one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. You are so kind. And thoughtful. You let everyone see your soft spots, even when all they do is hurt you. You have every reason to be awful or bitter or mean or any of a thousand things. But you aren’t. It’s all of it, it’s all of those things and the ones you said too. All of it together, that’s why I love you. I love you because you’re you.”

You wanted to sob. No one had ever said anything remotely like that to you before. Not anyone in your family, or a single one of your exes. No one had ever cared enough to say any of that. Except for Curtis. He’d always cared, hadn’t he? Since that first day he’d showed up, when you’d been so scared about the possibility of a stalker, he’d taken such care with you. He was the most caring, thoughtful, beautiful person you knew. You took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. You could see his worry, but also the deep conviction with which he’d just said all that to you. You couldn’t help yourself anymore. You surged forward and you kissed him.

He made a noise of surprise—you didn’t know how he could possibly be surprised after all that—but after just a moment he was kissing you back, bringing both hands up to cradle your head. You were getting your tears all over him, but he didn’t seem to care. He was soft and gentle and passionate. You needed more. You needed all of him.

You took a step back, breaking the kiss. You did what you could to brush the tears off your face. You grabbed the bottom of your dress and pulled it over your head, then tossed it on the floor. You stood in front of him in the lingerie you’d picked out to fuck Lucas Lee of all people and couldn’t understand how you’d ever been able to think about anyone but Curtis. But you did know how when you stopped to think about it. You’d never been able to fathom that you might deserve this man. That he might actually want you.

He stared at you. “Fuck,” he whispered. “You’re–” you braced yourself for what might come next. So hot or fucking sexy. You’d even gotten beautiful once or twice. He only took a second before he finished his sentence “–incredible,” with such awe on his face that you actually felt your knees go weak. You had to look away. He was too much.

He took your face in his hands again and placed a soft, short kiss on your lips. “But would it be ok if we slowed down?” he asked.

You couldn’t keep the disappointment out of your voice. “Why?”

“This is real for me,” he said. “And if we do this, I want it to be real for you too. I want you to be sure. And for now,” he stroked one thumb over your cheekbone, “right now I just want to hold you. Is that alright? If I just hold you tonight?”

You didn’t know how to respond to that. Sex had always been the best, most important part of any of your relationships. It’d been the biggest thing that any of your previous partners had wanted from you. You weren’t sure you knew how to do it any other way. But he was holding you so gently, looking at you so softly, all you could do was nod.

He kissed you once more. Then stepped back and started to take off his clothes. You made your way to your bed and got in, watching him as he shed his clothes. He really was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen. Nothing on any movie set you’d ever been on, any party you’d ever been to could compare to him.

Once he was down to just his boxers, he crawled in next to you and pulled you close. Your lips touched his shoulder as you asked, barely audible, “You really love me?”

He kissed your forehead. “Yes,” he whispered. “I really love you.”

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#curtis everett x female reader #curtis everett x you #curtis everett x reader #curtis everett #bodyguard!curtis everett x actress!reader #bodyguard!curtis everett #snowpiercer #fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #ce characters #reader insert #bodyguard au #i know i should know better #kris wrote something

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fandomxpreferences · 1 year

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Two Lines, Two Idiots Chapter Nine: I'm Uncomfy When People Do Nice Things

Series Masterlist

Pairing:Rafe Cameron x Maybank!reader, Twin!JJ Maybank x reader

TW:pregnancy, mild trauma (?), I think thats it

Summary: Rafe proves just how far he's willing to go to take care of you.

Word Count:2k

A/N: Listen, I did minimal editing on this so just ignore any typos okay

To say you've been stressed is an understatement. At nearly twenty-eight weeks pregnant, the clock is ticking and each second that you don't have a plan worked out feels a little more like you're suffocating.

Rafe has just gotten you back to a relatively normal state; making sure you get enough sleep and eat to your heart's content. However, despite your flare-up settling down, you haven't been able to take a full breath since the conversation about your living situation a few weeks ago.

With the babies much more active and your back constantly aching, everything feels too real and it's finally sunk in that this is really happening.

"What's on your mind?"

You nearly jump out of your skin at the sudden sound of Rafe's voice and your hand comes to rest over your heart.

"What's not on my mind is the real question. We're only two months out from the babies being born and we don't have anything figured out. We don't have cribs or any necessities; which I mean, why would we? It's not like we have anywhere to set them up."

Rafe can see your anxiety rising as your breathing picks up and releases a deep sigh. You watch as he sticks his hand out, eyeing him skeptically before taking it.

"Come on."

He pulls you up with ease, both of his hands settling on your waist to keep you steady. Your clumsiness has reached new heights as your center of gravity continues to shift and pregnancy brain wreaks havoc.

"Where are we going?" You whine, and Rafe just shoots you a look. He stops for a second to allow you to slip on sandals before dragging you out to the Rover.

He buckles you in like usual before rounding the front and climbing into the driver's side and you watch the scenery blur as he heads away from the cut. The drive is silent, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on your thigh.

You frown when he turns down an unfamiliar road, somewhere between the cut and figure eight. Your eyes widen as you take in all the large homes, awestruck at the beauty of the quaint neighborhood.

He pulls into a driveway and parks, taking a deep breath before looking over at you. The confusion is evident on your feature; your brows scrunched, and a quizzical look in your eyes.

"Where are we?"

Again, Rafe doesn't answer. Instead, he gets out and opens your door to help you down.

"Rafe, this is someone's house. We can't just trespass." You urge, and he remains stoic.

You drag your feet as he leads you up the steps to the door, completely at a loss. It's a beautiful beachfront house with a screened-in sun room and at least two stories. It's the type of house you grew up dreaming about.

The type of house that would be perfect for raising a family, large but cozy with big windows for sticky little hands to smudge up.

Your stomach does a flip when he pulls out a set of keys and turns to face you.

"You know that I'll always take care of you, right?" He asks, and you nod slowly.

"And you trust me when I say that I'll always find a way to provide and you'll never have to worry again?"

You nod once more, blinking quickly as tears sting your waterline. He places the key in the knob and opens the door, using the hand placed on your lower back to nudge you inside.

Your feet move on their own accord, and you step past the threshold.

"Welcome home, baby."

You whip around to face him, shocked despite your suspicions.

"What do you mean? Did you rent this place?" You breathe, and he chuckles.

"Nope. It's all ours. Closed escrow last week. I've just been trying to work out some last-second details."

Your mouth hangs open as you stare up at him.

"No you fucking didn't. Rafe Cameron, you did not buy a house. Certainly not this house. It's huge!"

He laughs at your genuine bafflement and nods his head toward the open space.

"Go take a look around. There are five bedrooms and four baths."

You stay cemented in place, trying to process the new information. He takes it upon himself to lead you around as you follow behind him like a lost puppy. Your eyes nearly bulge out of your head when you see the kitchen that's half the size of the house you grew up in, and he laughs.

"If you think this is nice, wait till you see the pool and private beach access. It's our own little slice of heaven."

His heart sinks when he sees a tear fall, and he's eye level in an instant.

"What's wrong? Do you not like it?" He asks in a panic as his thumbs try to wipe away the rapidly falling tears.

"It's beautiful Rafe. It's just… I can't leave JJ. I can't sleep knowing I'm here while he's still slumming it." You cry, and Rafe breathes a sigh of relief.

"Come on."

He takes you outside, surpassing the aforementioned pool to stop in front of a second building.

"It's a guest house. I figured you'd have an issue with leaving JJ, so I thought maybe he could live here. Might help to have an extra set of hands." He shrugs, and you freeze.

An uneasy feeling washes over you, and your first instinct is to run for the hills. By all means, what Rafe has done is thoughtful and mind-blowing. However, you struggle with him buying you little things, and he's handing you the keys to a house? Not just you, but your brother as well?

Your mind can't quite process and Rafe notices immediately when your hands start ringing together and your pupils dilate.

"Hey, stay with me. I know it's a lot, but I couldn't stand to see you so stressed out. I thought it could be a fun little project with Sarah. You know, decorating and picking out furniture." He scrambles, and you finally look up at him.

"Why?" You whisper, and Rafe truly doesn't understand how you could think he wouldn't pluck the sun out of the sky and hand it to you if he was able.

"Because I love you, and you deserve nice things. I plan on giving you those nice things, whether you like it or not."

Your lip quivers as you look around at the vast property and you shake your head.

"But a house?"

Rafe's large hands envelop yours and lay them against his chest; a grounding tactic he's learned over the past few months to help with your anxiety.

"Baby, I would buy the whole town if it would make you smile. So yes, I'm giving you a house so we can turn it into a home."

You pull him down by his neck, pressing a salty kiss to his lips before pressing your forehead to his.

"Thank you."

Rafe kisses the tip of your nose and wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you as close as he can with your large belly.

"Anything for you."

The two of you stay like that for a second before you take a deep breath and rub your stomach. Your eyes light up suddenly and Rafe smiles at the way you're practically buzzing.

"Can we show JJ?"

He nods with a chuckle and leads you back to the truck.

"Of course."

The whole drive back you're shifting in your seat, nerves and eagerness oozing out of your pores. You practically leap from the seat despite Rafe's protest as soon as he parks, and race inside to the best of your ability.

"JJ, come with me." You sing, and your brother looks at you like you've lost your mind before glancing at Rafe.

"Everyone can come if they want." Rafe offers, and the rest of the group shares a look before nodding.

You take JJ in the truck with you while the rest follow in the Twinkie, ignoring his line of interrogation the same way Rafe had with you.

"Where the fuck are we?" JJ questions the second you pull into the driveway, and everyone spills out of the Twinkie.

"What is this?" Sarah asks, and you just give Rafe a knowing smile.

They frown as the two of you walk to the door, hanging back in case someone comes out with a shotgun. Their frowns turn to shock when Rafe unlocks the deadbolt and nods his head to signal everyone to enter.

They do so slowly, arms crossed as they look around the same way you did.

"Welcome to our not-so-humble abode!"

As soon as the words leave your mouth, everyone gasps and turns to face you.

"What?!" JB shouts, and you nod while laughing.

"Rafe bought the most expensive surprise ever." You say, and Sarah's most drops open.

"You didn't let me help?" She scolds with a slap to Rafe's arm and he back away with a mock scowl.

"Relax, I already told Y/N that the two of you have free reign to decorate however you want."

This seems to improve her mood as she squeals and claps happily.

You turn to face JJ, and he gives you a half grin. It doesn't meet his eyes, and you can tell that he's trying to be happy for you despite his qualms.

"You wanna see outside?" You murmur, and he tries to appear excited. Rafe motions for the rest to hang back, aware that you need a moment alone.

JJ lets out a low whistle when he sees the pool and the beach just a few yards away.

"This is insane. I'm happy for you."

He pulls you into a hug and you squeeze him a little tighter.

"Do you like it?" You press, and he cocks his head to the side.

"Shit, what's not to like? You got the happy ending you deserve."

You hum in agreement before motioning toward the guest house.

"Well, it's a good thing since you'll be living here too. If you want to, that is."

The speed at which JJ's head whips to look at you is almost concerning and he studies your face for any signs of humor.

"Are you crazy? I can't impose like that!" He exclaims, his arms moving wildly as he gesticulates to emphasize his point.

"How do you even know the word impose? Anyway, you wouldn't be. You'd be living in the guest house. It's all yours." You explain, and for the first time in your life, JJ is at a loss for words.

"Is Rafe okay with that?" He finally asks and you nod.

"It was his idea. The babies are going to want Uncle JJ around, and I guess I wouldn't hate having you here either." You tease, bumping his shoulder with your own.

You're interrupted by loud chatter as the rest of the pogues walk out, John B already talking about the surf break and house parties.

"What's going on over here?" Kie smiles, and you shrug casually.

"Just talking about how nice it's gonna be to have JJ living in the guest house."

Rafe pulls your back into his chest, his hands sneaking around your front to rest on your belly. Everyone looks around, completely baffled at the new information. JJ is still staring at the guest house, unsure how to react.

It's nice; bigger than the shit hole the two of you grew up in. He's barely ever had a room to himself, let alone an entire place. Living in his sister and Rafe Cameron's fancy guest house isn't exactly how he saw his life unfolding, but he isn't mad at it.

His thoughts are interrupted by John B and Pope slapping him on the back.

"You good?" Pope frowns, and JJ blows out a long breath.

"Yeah, man. Just surprised."

John B nods in understanding before he breaks out into a smile.

"You know this means we're crashing here all the time right? Why hang out at the chateau when we can chill at a five-star resort?" He jokes, and JJ smiles brightly.

"Shit yeah, man. We're practically kooks now."

Rafe interrupts with a loud scoff and shakes his head.

"I wouldn't go that far, Maybank. Besides, being a kook isn't all it's cracked up to be."

JJ slips off his boots and jumps in the pool before surfacing to stare down your boyfriend.

"I don't know, bro. This seems pretty fucking awesome."

There's a moment of silence before Rafe laughs loudly.

"Yeah, it's not too shabby."

You just stand and watch all the people you love most in your backyard, trying to commit the image to memory.

"We need to start shopping, like, yesterday." Sarah suddenly says, and you wrap an arm around her shoulder.

"We can look online tonight." You assure her, and she kisses your cheek before Rafe playfully pushes her away. Her lips are replaced with his and he nuzzles into your neck.

"Are you happy, baby?"

You shift to look at him, and his heart melts at the way you're glowing.

"The happiest." You sigh, and Rafe kisses your throat softly.

"Then so am I."

@i-love-rafe @itsmytimetoodream @brynley-a-xoxo @whore4drew @houseofperfecttaste @everythingmarveltopgun @f4ll-for-you @athenabarnes @antagonize-me-motherfucker @writtenwordslover @madsnxo @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @starrystarkey93 @keylin1730 @fulla02 @loving-and-dreaming @evening-starlight @ibleedcalories @badasspizzalover @veescorneroftheworld @pinkpantheris @brooklynscherry-z @starkeylover @sebastiansstanswhore @lothiriel9 @katzarantos @gillybear17 @genius2050

#rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron #rafe cameron fic #rafe cameron series #outer banks imagine #outer banks fic #outer banks #outer banks series

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heartybubs · 1 year

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the 100 [ bellamy blake x reader ]

type : angsty, maybe a bit fluffy?

tropes: forced proximity, best friends to lovers

warnings: mentions of anxiety, heavy language, lowkey manipulative bellamy

in which bellamy blake and reader used to date but when he spiraled after octavia was arrested and his life fell apart, he distanced himself from her. after he begs her to trust him blindly and she does, they have to figure out their relationship on earth as neither of them is able to let it go.

a/n: hii, this is my first piece of writing in a loooong long time but i’m really enjoying the 100 again and i’ve noticed a severe lack of bellamy content on here, so i hope you like it! i don’t think i used any pronouns but i did use the term “girl” multiple times to describe reader! w.c.: 4.831

after octavia was discovered, he lost his job and his mum was floated, bellamy fell into a terrifying rabbit hole of depression. he lost himself with everything else in his life and instead of holding on to you, he wanted you to do better than him; so he ignored you. of course it made everything worse than it already was but it helped to tell himself he was actually saving you, despite seeing you fall apart piece by piece for months. he knew you'd get it together at some point, you had a great life going for you and he didn't want to risk you losing it at anytime soon, especially not because of him.

so when commander shumway approached bellamy and asked him to assassinate chancellor jaha in return of being able to go to earth with his sister and he said yes with barely any hesitation, he couldn't help but think about you, the girl he was so deeply in love with.

so now, bellamy was close to sprinting across the hall, giving his all to reach your door as fast as he could. he was going to earth, he had already shot the chancellor, but he couldn't leave you behind, no matter how hard he tried, not even after all those months of breaking your heart.

but just because he broke your heart that didn't mean he didn't love you the entire time.

you had taken the day off of guard duty, not feeling well as your three year anniversary with bellamy was approaching or, well, it would've if he hadn't abandoned you a few months ago.

although you tried your hardest to get it together, especially because you didn't want to risk your job as a guard on the ark, you couldn't just forget about bellamy. you had never loved anyone like him and no one had ever hurt you like he had.

there was aggressive knocking on the door, startling you immediately. you sighed frustratedly, there was no one who'd have time, or even want to, visit you in the middle of the day. especially not that desperately, since whoever was disturbing your peace got more and more aggressive with each knock.

you opened the door and before you could say anything, you were pushed into your room by a strong, all too familiar man. not being able to comprehend, you simply stared at the tan man in front of you, admiring his freckled face you had missed so much.

"bellamy? wha-", he cut you off, shaking his head frantically.

"look, y/n, this has gotta be really weird for you right now, but we have to leave. like, now. you have to come with me, okay?", although he was clearly stressed, there was a softness to be noticed in his voice that you knew all too well. you also recognized that he wasn't exactly asking you to come with him, he was telling you to.

"bellamy, what do you mean? you can't just come here and, and.. bellamy i don't understand! why are you wearing a guard’s uniform?", you rambled, looking at him more than desperate for answers. you knew that you would follow him anywhere but you didn't want to. you shouldn't after what he did to you.

he sighed, looking around nervously before taking a deep breath in and putting his hands on your cheeks. he held your face in his hands, pulling you a bit closer to him as he looked into your eyes.

"y/n, i beg you, you have to trust me, okay? i know i haven't been the best.. the best to you but if there's one thing you can do for me, even if it's the last time you ever help me out again, i need it to be today, right now", he noticed your big eyes, only now realizing that this might not work out and it scared him, terrified him even. "y/n..y/n, baby please. i'm begging you, begging. we don't have time, we need to go, please trust me, please y/n!"

"okay, bell."

you could tell how much this relieved him immediately and right as a little smile started showing, he pulled you out of your room, swiftly grabbing your necklace you always kept next to your keys and dragged you through the ark. it felt like you were running through the entire space station and when you finally slowed down, bellamy didn't give you a single second to ask questions.

he just motioned to you to be silent as he carefully pushed you towards something you recognized to be a dropship. your eyes widened in panic, what the hell was going on here.

"bellamy, serious-", he simply covered your mouth and shoved you into the dropship before closing the door. as panic overtook you and your breathing got heavier, your perception lessened. without bellamy pushing you around and doing whatever you needed to do for you, you wouldn't have gotten anything done.

you were clearly having a panic attack and while it hurt bellamy to not be able to help you get through right now, he had to prioritize your safety during the travel to earth and before you knew it, you passed out.

{ ~* }

you felt soft taps on your shoulder as you slowly regained consciousness. slowly raising your head before finally opening your eyes and looking around. you were still in the dropship but you were all by yourself, no sight of bellamy. of course.

the person who'd been trying to wake you was a boy you recognized as wells jaha, the chancellor's son. he looked at you, relief basically written all over him as you finally reacted to his attempts of waking you up. "i'm so glad you're awake, i almost thought you wouldn't wake up again. wait, let me help you out."

he started to unbuckle you, holding you up as you were still a bit weak from your intense panic attack. he could tell how confused you were immediately.

"i'm wells, you're a guard, right? why'd they send you to earth with us?", wells questioned as your eyes widened.

"earth?!", you repeated immediately, not believing what you heard and completely ignoring his question. you couldn't be on earth, it wasn't even going to be habitable for the next three generations so how could you be on earth now, alive?!

wells didn't really know how to react, he had expected you to know but you were just as, probably even more clueless than the delinquents. he decided not to engage in any more conversation, respecting your space as he figured you'd want some time to cope, as well as recovering from whatever made you pass out.

you were thankful for being left alone, slowly standing up and once you felt stable enough to walk to the hatch, you followed the ladder down. immediately you were met with the most beautiful sight you've ever seen.

tall trees, their roots covered in beautiful, bright green plants and, of course, many people all around the area.

you didn't care about them though, the only person you wanted to find was bellamy, he had to explain himself. what was he thinking, taking you to earth without even telling you?!

luckily, it didn't take you long to find him. he was talking to a girl much shorter than him; she had dark brown hair and bright blue eyes and although you hadn't seen her that well the last time, the day she was arrested, you were certain it was bellamy's little sister octavia.

you walked over to them, careful not to overestimate your strength yet and once bellamy noticed you, he got tense immediately.

"y/n, how are you?", he spoke up, seemingly interrupting octavia who simply looked at you curiously. while she had never really met you, she knew so much about you. everytime bellamy told her a story to fall asleep to, it was always about princess y/n and once she got older, he finally revealed that you were actually his girlfriend. she loved what she'd heard so far but she decided to lay low, not wanting to interrupt the two of you.

"i'm good. bellamy, what the fuck is going on, are we really on earth? you have to-", he sighed loudly before cutting you off. "i'm glad you're feeling good. you shouldn't stress yourself too much, you're probably still a bit weak, okay? enjoy earth."

the usual softness in his voice was all gone, leaving nothing, but unfamiliar coldness as he walked off. what the fuck was his problem.

"i should've known that he'd leave me again, why did i fucking come", you mumbled angrily. you really had every right to be angry at bellamy, but if you were being honest, you were probably way more disappointed than angered by the man who once loved you as much as you love him.

octavia looked at you confusedly, not being able to follow at all. "what do you mean again, you're y/n, his girlfriend y/n right?"

"i don't even know what i am to him anymore", you answered, feeling tears shoot up to your eyes. no, you couldn't cry about him anymore, you had wasted too many tears on his egoistic ass.

octavia's eyes softened, similarly to how bellamy's used to. she walked up to you and hugged you carefully, not wanting to disrespect your personal space beyond your liking. you hugged her back, appreciating her sympathy a lot and although you kinda didn't want to spend time with bellamy's younger sister, you didn't want to punish her for something out of her power. she had dealt with that too much already.

"my brother can be a real ass sometimes but he'll get over it, i think i know how much he loves you", she spoke softly, smiling at you. you smiled back at her but realized that she really had no clue how over the two of you were.

{ ~* }

days on days passed and not a single interaction between bellamy and you happened. you wanted to talk to him so desperately but whenever you approached him, he'd find a way to get away from you as soon as possible. it felt like you were back on the ark, trying to understand why your boyfriend of two years was suddenly ignoring and avoiding you.

you wanted to fight for his attention, you really tried to but when he set up a knife fight between john murphy and wells, you figured that you had to say goodbye to the idea of ever getting anything positive out of a conversation with him. the bellamy you once loved was probably gone for good and whatever egoistic, violent leader he had become now, was no one you wanted around you.

this time, you really had to get over him.

it honestly made you sick to watch him act like the born leader of the delinquents and it was almost worse to see them follow him blindly. he was leading them to do horrible things, he was clearly motivating their aggression and allowed them all to be terrible to each other.

of course you were angry, but it also confused you a lot. bellamy really terrified you, he was going down a path you couldn't follow and he wasn't anything like he used to be back in the ark, back when he was still your bellamy.

he used to be sweet, loving and caring but now it was so obvious that he was using the 100 delinquents to reach his own goal, you just couldn't figure out what goal that could be. another thing you were pretty confused about, was the fact he took you with him. when he begged you to come with him, he was so different. it almost felt like he loved you again, you were embarrassed to admit that you thought things would get better now, that everything would be like it was back then and you knew that you deserved better, no one, not even john murphy deserved to be treated like bellamy had treated you that past year. still, you just couldn't let him go, so you decided it was time for some distraction.

while you really enjoyed spending time with clarke, learning a bit from her medical knowledge, as well as simply making a new friend, you needed more. literally, you had no one besides bellamy, octavia and clarke and you didn't actually have any of them. you needed to make friends.

deciding to go against bellamy's orders to stay with clarke, something he hadn't told you personally, instead sending one of his little minions your way, you left the drop ship in search for something else to do. you weren't gonna let him tell you what to do, not if he didn't even have the balls to talk to you himself.

right as you left the dropship, you immediately spotted a tall boy with funny googles on his head walking towards one of the gates and decided to approach him. you remembered his name, joshua, or jasper.

"hey jasper", you smiled at him and he immediately smiled back. "hey y/n, i'm just heading out for the hunt."

you raised your eyebrow. hunt? that was perfect for you. not only did you ace pike's earth skills class, but you were also a trained guard. of all the people in your camp, it was safe to assume that you'd be the best at it.

"can i come too? i think i'd be a lot of help", you spoke nicely and without even thinking about it, jasper nodded. his smile grew as he was more than willing to spend some more time with you.

"i'm sure bellamy won't mind", he said and although you really didn't want to be around bellamy for once, it upset you even more that he couldn't even ask you to go with them. he knew just as well as you did that they needed you and that you were the best shot they had, probably even better than him since you actually finished your guard training.

you followed jasper out of the walls, stopping right outside as you joined the rest of the hunting trip. there were about seven unknown faces and of course bellamy’s. as soon as he saw you, he tensed up, leaving you to sigh annoyingly and roll your eyes.

"y/n get back inside the walls, it's not safe outside", he said, voice stern, motioning for you to turn around and go. you immediately shook your head.

"i'm gonna come with you guys, i'm literally your best shot and you won't even notice me, i'll be with jasper the entire time", you complained. he knew you wouldn't change your mind but he wouldn't risk your safety. bellamy trusted jasper but not with you, he trusted no one when it came to you. no one, not even yourself, would protect you as well as he would and although he had been avoiding you for days now, expecting to keep going until he knew you'd gotten over him completely, he had to be the one going with you.

"yea no, you're either coming with me or not at all, y/n. this is your first time outside the walls and i wanna make sure you find your way back home, alright?! however, if you don't want to go with me that's fine. stay back and help clarke then. got it?!", he was convinced he'd make you change your mind.

"fuck you, bellamy. really, let's just go already", you were angry. he was treating you like a complete stranger and you actually felt a bit embarrassed in front of the other people. what was he thinking talking to you like that in front of so many of the others, it was unnecessary.

he was caught by surprise by your response, less because of your words, but way more because you actually chose to come with them. he was so sure you would never want to be alone with him after all he had done but this just proved that it wasn't enough yet.

he should've known better than to expect you to just stop loving him that easily. hell, how could you get over him, if he couldn't even go a single hour without thinking about you.

"okay then", bellamy said before everyone split up and went into different directions. you followed him, making sure you stayed behind.

"you know damn well that i'd be a great help. should've gotten your shit together and asked me", you mumbled and although he heard what you said, he decided not to respond.

you two were walking for a pretty long time, killing some birds on your way. obviously that wouldn't be enough for the entire camp to eat so you kept going. there wasn't much talking done either, you were able to work together without speaking, you had always been able to.

of course it was awkward, but it went fine until a loud sound rang through the woods. bellamy turned to you immediately, eyes wide as he grabbed your wrist and started running. despite having never left the camp, you knew that this was an alarm to warn about the yellow fog that was incredibly toxic and even deadly.

the two of you ran as fast as you could until bellamy noticed something in the ground that looked like a door to a bunker. he immediately pushed you in front of him and told you to go in, following closely as he rushed to close the door before the fog could get you. bellamy turned on his flashlight while your breath was shaky as you put a hand up to your heart. your athleticism wasn't an issue, your anxiety however was.

"y/n, are you okay?", bellamy asked softly as approached you, reaching for your shoulder but before he could touch you, you backed away.

"bellamy stop, stop doing this", he looked at you with a questioning expression on his face. "you know what i mean."

he simply shook his head, lowering it before quietly saying "i'm sorry, y/n, but i really don't. i just wanna make sure you're okay."

you huffed, did he even believe his own words? you were annoyed by his obliviousness and slid down the wall, he did the same oppositely from you.

neither of you said anything for some time but with every minute that passed, you feared that he would leave the bunker at the first chance he'd get, ruining your only opportunity to have the conversation you've been wanting to have for almost a year now.

"look, bellamy.. i just don't understand how you could do what you did. you're confusing me", you explained quietly, not wanting to look at him yet.

"i know, i don't understand either", he spoke back and as your eyes met, you could tell he wasn't lying. "i was angry, angry at everyone, even you. and i know that it wasn't fair, i wasn't treating you how i should have but when i lost everything, i was ashamed. you deserved better than that and i knew you wouldn't just let me go."

"literally what were you thinking?! i was with you through any hardships you ever had to go through. what made you assume id just leave you, what made you think that after two years with you, i'd just abandon you. what for?! having a sister? i'm not the fucking council, you should know me better than that", you were angry but you didn't want to yell at him, you wanted this to work.

he sighed, he didn't know what to tell you. of course you were right, he fully agreed but what good would him agreeing do?

"talk to me, bellamy", you basically begged.

"i'm sorry, y/n. i have never regretted anything as much as breaking your heart. you were on my mind every single day", he said truthfully, not being able to look into your eyes as he spoke until he lifted his head. "if i could turn back time, i would. i am so sorry for ruining what we had."

you stared into his eyes, giving yourself time to think about what he just told you. you'd do anything to go back to how things were, you missed bellamy so much.

"me too", you then admitted. "you know, it would've been our three year anniversary a few days ago", you said and laughed slightly. bellamy smiled at you, oh how he had missed your laugh.

"i know", he said and reached into his pocket. "i didn't get you anything new and i know that i can't just regift something i already gave you years ago but i grabbed this when i asked you to come with me and i just.. didn't have time to give it to you yet."

you listened curiously, watching him pull out a silver necklace he once gave you. your mouth and eyes widened in excitement, it was your favourite piece of jewelry ever since you'd gotten it, but when you realized you didn't have it on you, you were sure you'd never see it again and it made you incredibly sad.

"oh my god, you took it with you? thank you so much, bellamy! i was missing it already", you admitted, excitement lacing your voice. he smiled again and handed you your necklace you put on immediately.

you smiled down at yourself, carefully grabbing the star charm.

"i missed seeing you like this, you are so beautiful, y/n", bellamy spoke quietly, you simply halted in your movement. your eyebrows were raised slightly as you looked at him, what was he doing?

"y/n, i know that i don't deserve your forgiveness, fuck, i don't even deserve you! but please, i'm begging you to forgive me for what i did. i don't expect it to be easy, but-"

"why did you ask me to come with you, bell?", you interrupted him. it took him a second before he chuckled and looked to the side, then focusing on you again.

"i spent so many months ignoring you, thinking i was making things so much better when i actually ruined us. i already told you that i thought about you every single day and i knew i wouldn't survive to go down here without you", he explained. "i know that it was incredibly selfish of me to bring you here and at first i didn't want to because i didn't want to expose you to all these dangers earth might bring. i wanted you to do better than me, that's why i distanced myself from you, but i was a fool to think this would work. the hold you have on me and my life is actually insane, y/n. when i had the opportunity to protect my sister and to take you down with me, i just-"

"wait, bellamy, why are you even here in the first place", you questioned. there was no way you wouldn't know about his mission but a janitor did.

his expression changed immediately, his jaw tensed and you could tell how scared he was to tell you, but he also didn't want to lie to you. not right now, not apart of this conversation.

"y/n, i messed up, okay.. i did things i regret and leaving you wasn't my only mistake, but i couldn't let my sister go to earth unprotected, alright? i had to make sure she was safe", he rambled immediately, panic lacing his voice. you on the other hand, only got more suspicious of him. "i shot chancellor jaha on shumway's request."

your eyes widened in shook, you couldn't believe what you just heard. "what, i-"

you wanted to be upset at him so bad but something in you couldn't. "is he.."

"i don't know, that was the goal", he answered quietly, not daring to look up.

"oh my god, bellamy! are you kidding me, you can't just shoot the chancellor, you can't shoot anybody actually!"

"y/n, i know, please. i know that i messed up but i can't change it anymore", he sighed before running his hand through his hair. by now, it was finally curly and loose again and you couldn't help but notice how good he looked. but that wasn't the point, not at all.

"do you though? you changed, bellamy. you have become someone i don't recognize, whats gotten into you?!", you got up from the ground, looking around helplessly. "first you shoot the chancellor and then you lead these kids in the aggressive way you do. do you even notice what you're creating?", at this point you were yelling, you didn't care anymore.

"y/n don't yell at me", he said but you just shook your head. he got up and approached you but you backed away like earlier.

"for fucks sake, stop telling me what to do! you're not my leader, if anything, you're my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend. hell, i don't even know what we are because you didn't have the fucking balls to actually break up with me before being an asshole. i have every right to yell at you", you hissed and you could see how much your words hurt him but bellamy wasn't gonna stay quiet this time.

"i never broke up with you because i didn't fucking want to. i didn't treat you like it but fuck, y/n i love you", he was raising his voice as well now.

"loved, you loved me, you don't anymore", you said and it seemed like this time, you went too far.

"shut the fuck up, y/n. don't say shit like that, don't disrespect me like that", he yelled at you, knowing full well that your disrespect wasn't even comparable to what he put you through. "don't accuse me of not loving you because i could never stop loving you. there wasn't a single day in the past five years where i didn't love you and you know that this is true, we both do!"

you bit your lip as you tried to calm yourself. the adrenaline was overwhelming at this point but still you somehow knew that he was right. you believed him.

"and you don't have to forgive me for what i did and for the way i'm leading these kids but you know damn well that i'd do anything for you and that i love you", his voice was softening again as he was calming down too. "and i know that you're not over me. you wouldn't have come with me, if you didn't love me at least a little bit."

you took a deep breath in, he was right. of course he was, but you couldn't just forgive and forget.

"y/n, baby, i'm not asking you to forget what i did, please don't. i just wanna know that i am right and that i still know you and most importantly; that i didn't ruin your life even more when i brought you down here", his voice got quieter and you could even hear it breaking towards the end of his sentence.

"yes, bellamy i still love you", you simply admitted, sad eyes meeting his right before he pulled you into his arms.

you didn't resist because you needed this, it was what you'd been seeking for all these months.

bellamy was relieved that you still loved him. he didn't expect everything to magically be amazing again but he knew that he hadn't lost you yet. he still had a chance for redemption and he was going to fix things. he was going to be a better man for you.

his strong arms were wrapped around you tightly, holding you against his chest as he also enjoyed feeling your touch again.

"i love you so much, y/n. i'll fix everything, okay? i will never hurt you ever again and we can work through this, if you want to. i missed you so much, baby", he said. his hand was now holding your cheek as he looked into your glossy eyes.

you nodded, believing him again.

you were hoping that he was saying the truth, that he would never mess it up again. you just wanted to love him again, but you weren't stupid, things, he would have to change first.

#bellamy blake #the 100 bellamy #bellamy x reader #the 100 #the 100 x reader #forced proximity #one shot #the 100 one shot #octavia blake #clarke griffin #jasper jordan #wells jaha #the 100 angst #bellamy angst #fluff #angst

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justcallme-ange · 11 months

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What are some DSMP character or worldbuilding headcanons you have that you've never seen anywhere else? Pls talk about them.

Oooh, this is a tough one. So first thing’s first, I am very very new to Minecraft. Like I literally just got into playing beginning of this year. So a lot of my knowledge is either from watching Techno and Dream or fandom. So a lot of my headcanons are mishmashes of ones I've seen before. However these are just a few of the stuff floating around in my head that I haven't really seen elsewhere - sorry if this is long ^^

Worldbuilding wise…

Something I headcanon that I haven’t really seen before is that there’s like a master world - like a domain where all things originate. And player worlds/SMPs are offshoots/branches/copies of this world. So everything is interconnected, and how each world is functionally the same, but may have variations.

Another world building thing I see touched on but not really elaborated is that while there is a difference between player and mob, it's less god vs animal - and more like humans vs elves (at least for the humanoid looking mobs). Like they're not mindless (cept for zombies), and that these mobs have their own civilizations and customs outside of what players can see. In this case the mobs are like humans with short lifespans and only a little magical power - while players are the elves with longer lifespans that can be extended through magical means. This I guess is my justification for hybrids and and explanation on Admins being demigods?

DSMP character wise…

I only really play around with like... 3 characters so-

I headcanon that Techno while being pretty good about keeping a level head is prone to anxiety (pretty sure that's canon) so when he beds down for the night he tends to sleep with something heavy on top of him. (Might have been a habit kept from war - where he would sleep with a shield on top of him.) So he finds comfort in having a weighted blanket (or Dream) on top while he sleeps. Phil resting his wings on his shoulders to calm him is an elaboration on this idea.

Oh speaking of sleeping - I've seen a lot of takes on why Dream doesn't sleep or that he's a loner because "mysterious figure" and all that (and my angst brain couldn't resist). My headcanon is that he's the complete opposite. Dream's the dude who loves having roommates (Even if he tells Techno otherwise). Like he loves having people around (it's why he's fighting so hard for server unity) and that the reason he doesn't sleep is more so the fact he can't, at least not good sleep. He's used to sleeping in a place with lots of people - his friends mostly - and the silence gets to him. The community house is proof enough of that. So instead of sitting in a dark room doing nothing waiting for the sun to rise - he does... other stuff. Prison makes this even worse - because he's completely isolated, where as before he could ask Punz, or Bad to keep him company.

So not a new take- but elaborating on an already established headcanon, Philza being the Angel of Death having sway on Death. And I mean more so - he's able to lightly tweak the strings of fate. Untangle little things in a person's future. He's unable to stop their fate, but depending on how much he favors/likes/loves the person he can kind of... tug it in a new direction if the person is willing. He's not allowed to completely change things - that's ultimately a consequence of a person's series of choices, but in a game of 50/50 he can slightly tip the odds in their favor.

That's all that I could think of so far - but if anyone wants to add to here with their own heacanons feel free! I love reading people interpretations of stuff - and other world building things in general.

#ange_asks #ctechno #cdream #cphilza #technoblade #dreamwastaken #philza #dsmp #rivalsduo #rivals duo #gapple duo #emerald duo #doomsday trio #MCYT Minecraft headcanons

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sibelin · 24 days

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I know it's nothing but I remember that anon telling me "no wonder why you're miserable all the time" like they've been judging me as a person based on the sad posts I occasionally type when I'm not feeling good. So now everytime I sad post (just because I need to scream somewhere and I don't want to overbear my friends/family/partner), I get that feeling of heavy judgement on me. I haven't been able to enjoy tumblr as much since then cause I can't get out of my head the fact that people arbitrarily decide i'm the worst/most selfish/most miserable person in the world based on....a few posts I write when I'm sad?? Judging me without context , without even knowing what I go through. And from all I see, it's just impossible for me to fit in the current model of Tumblr so I'm just living on the side trying to be nice to everyone but also feeling like a kid being grounded everytime I talk about my dead mom. It's so infuriating that I can't seem to be able to delete everything and just disappear from that semi-public space that brings me nothing but the anxiety of being known as someone I'm not. All that and I'm not even tackling the fact that people have asking me stuff about my mom, not even thinking it could be damn traumatic to ask "What age when she died" on anon and so on. In addition to the damn anons I get that are obsessed with the fact that i'm a woman in my thirties. I am very very tired and absolutely destroyed by grief and I can't talk about it anywhere.

#Anyway #parental death tw

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icedmetaltea · 1 year

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Tiny vent bc I need to get this out to SOMEONE

So the other day, me and my sibling were out shopping. They broke the news that they found this opportunity for a week-long tour in Europe encompassing a couple different countries. They offered to bring me along and pay for me (not something I could afford myself since atm I'm a broke full-time student) so I was really excited. I haven't travelled anywhere for like... I'm gonna say like 7-8 years?? And I've never been out of the country. I was fuckin' elated in fact.

Then this morning they said "Oh I went on and booked that trip, but I only booked it for myself" and lo and behold it's going to be December 21-28, so I'll be alone for Christmas for the first time. My friends and family live nowhere near me so it's kinda like a punch to the stomach?? I was already feeling super depressed this week so it was like SLAP take that as well~

They already went to New York without me this Spring and they seem to be doing more and more stuff alone. I understand if they want more independence but like... geez, you could've at least kept it to yourself or something, you know? Or not gotten my hopes up.

Oh, and on top of all that, they've been talking about moving to fucking Canada. Considering this would be during a time when the US is possibly heading toward a world/civil war and it's getting more and more dangerous here, and they most definitely have refused to bring me along and I wouldn't be able to afford to leave myself, it feels more than ever like I'm being thrown aside.

They just seem so thoughtful and nice when it comes to other people, but me? No, they're sick of me. They want to get away from me, because all I ever do is ruin everything with my panic attacks. They have other friends, they have a good job and no anxiety to fuck up their days. Why should they give a damn about me? I'm just their annoying sibling, after all.

#irl stuff #family drama #Vent #Tw vent #Metaltea vents #vent post #Metaltea bitches #anxiety mention

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bloody-peach · 14 days

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Hey, let's talk.

I know I haven't been active anywhere lately. I've currently been having a real bad time mentally.

Nothing bad happened, don't worry. I've just been having mental health issues along with the stress of how I'll most likely be moving within a few weeks.

Yeah, I'm finally moving out. It hasn't been approved officially yet, but the apartment complex is like, brand new. It's still being build as we speak and they'll start moving people in by June 1st (its May 27th as I'm typing this). I sent my stuff in to get a spot and I should get a spot soon.

So, as you can tell, my anxiety is up the wazoo. It's causing my other issues to bubble up too. I haven't been able to work on anything due to the feeling of 'I can't get too comfortable, I may have to move tomorrow, that call could come anytime'. Thus, with the lack of work being done, my self-confidence of my stuff being good is plummeting. So I feel fear of working on anything if it's not gonna come out good anyways.

Plus this month has been so busy for me family-wise, and other factors like money issues, black mold in the bathroom growing worse, a bird stuck in the attic, my cat getting stressed out because of said bird in attic, struggles in my relationship, and my mom being my mom. None of that is helpful.

I'm praying that this will pass and am currently trying to find relief from this somehow.

So yeah. Physically, I'm fine. Not in any danger or anything. Just mentally spiralling into madness. No biggie.

Taglist for besties to let you know why I've been so quiet: @omniuravity @fatgumsurpremacy-remastered @neonvehk @moths-and-mantids @pinkhimecat

#life update #journal #yeah #not doing so hot #i need to chill #i want to scream at my brain 'SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!'

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cevansbrat0007 · 1 year

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Patience.

Hi. I don't know why I'm acting like I haven't had a presence on this hellsite. I've been around. Not necessarily writing as much as I would've liked to, but I did do some. I have several unfinished requests going.

Last week was weird. I do trauma therapy on Tuesdays. And this last Tuesday kind of fucked me up. Couple that with some underlying tension with my housemates along with hormones...it made for an odd few days. That has since been fixed, and a toxic element who was masquerading as a human is now gone. Good riddance.

I'm still in my feelings a little about that. But the most important takeaway for me this weekend was that I go to meet-up my little brother. It had been almost 18 months since I'd seen him last.

He texted me, saying he would be in town for the weekend. And what's more, he wanted to see me. Like, really wanted to. I almost said "no". I mean...I thought about it real hard.

Because these days I'm also working hard on protecting myself and my mental health. But most of all, I'm protecting my sobriety. So I gave it a day. And then I said yes.

The lead up to meeting with him was so unbelievably anxiety inducing. I didn't know how he was going to...react. There's so much he didn't, and still doesn't, know about me.

And that's okay.

What matters is the fact that when my Little Brother saw me, this 6"1 man barreled down a busy sidewalk to get to me. He wrapped me in the biggest, tightest, warmest bear hug I've ever felt. And he held onto his Big Sister, who is all of 5"2, for dear life.

What matters is that he held my hands and told me that he loved me. What matters is that I got to do the same for him. What matters is that I got to hold him close when he got choked up about being able to talk to his big sister about regular, everyday stuff...

For the first time in a long fucking time.

And what really and truly matters is that, for the first time in the longest of fucking times, is that we weren't anywhere near as angry as we used to be. With ourselves. Or each other.

There was love. There was laughter. There were apologies. There was understanding. And then acceptance and relief.

He told me about his job. I told him about my writing. We don't know everything about each other any more. And that's okay.

Because with patience comes progress. At least for me.

I'll be back to writing again soon. Going to bed now because I have trauma therapy again in a few hours. I love you all.

Good night and thanks for reading -

Love, Britt

#Britt's notes #feeling grateful #patience is a virtue

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stimmingbabie · 9 months

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My Take On Self DXing

Disclaimer: My definition of self diagnosing is putting in A LOT of time into researching, trying to get a professional diagnosis *first and foremost*, among other elements. Not just looking at the top 3 traits of a disorder and saying "that's me!", that is not recommended and I do not condone that! Please be safe <3

I'm making this post because I've gotten some comments here and there of people using my posts as a reason to self diagnose/suspect autism, BPD, etc (whatever else I post about). I do *not* condone using my posts as a tool for this, as this blog is all about my *personal* experiences with being neurodivergent. Everyone is so vastly different and I do not represent everyone with these disorders! However, as someone who has self diagnosed before getting professionally diagnosed (and still haven't been professionally diagnosed with them all!), I understand the need for an identity and an explanation for your experiences. So here's some reasons I support self diagnosing, some tips, and some warnings.

Why I support self diagnosing

Mental health care in certain locations are absolutely horrible. Where I live, mental health care is...very limited. The professionals in my area are trained in very few areas, mainly depression and anxiety, and are trained to do very specific types of therapies, medications etc. For example, in the ER I was given a xanax for a panic attack, and this worked wonders for me, however when going to a psychiatrist I was told they don't prescribe those on the off chance that someone will get addicted. Because of this, my anxiety has been overlooked and I've been given medications that did not work and has even given me a bad reaction. Needless to say, I stopped going to psych appointments. (I don't recommend this for everyone! This is just a personal experience).

Insurance isn't always an option. Without insurance, you will be paying out of pocket for evaluations, therapies and treatments. Even a diagnosis. An autism diagnosis here out of pocket is anywhere from $1k USD to $6k USD in most places for adults! That includes the two part evaluation and then having it on paper. I have what's called a pending diagnosis of autism, which means that I was given a basic screening (thankfully for free, but it costs $500 out of pocket on average here!), and the results were that I am very highly likely on the spectrum, but I can't afford to continue with the evaluation. So my health care team knows that I am autistic but will not put it on paper, therefore I can't get any accommodations with my insurance, and any accommodation that I need has to be listed for "anxiety", which my insurance doesn't see as a big enough problem in an adult to cover things for.

Being professionally diagnosed is a privilege. A lot of mental health professionals have a bias, and this is an unfortunate truth. Racism, sexism, classism, and even fatphobia play a huge part in how you're treated by the health care system, including mental health care. For example, if a healthy, average white cis man goes in and explains his symptoms and can afford to pay whether it be through insurance or out of pocket, he will be taken much more seriously than someone who is not any of the above.

Why I don't support certain self diagnosing disorders

A self diagnosis is not anywhere close to a substitution for a professional diagnosis. You will not get the proper therapy, treatment, or accommodations necessary by self diagnosing. You also won't be taken seriously by professionals if you walk into their office and say that you have a disorder, because their next question will be if you have documentation of the diagnosis. If you are suffering from a severe mental illness such as schizophrenia or borderline personality disorder, you will likely need treatment and therapy if at all possible. If you are able to get this, please do!! Do not suffer alone!!

Some disorders have overlapping symptoms...autism included. While I support self diagnosing autism to an extent, you have to realize that autism in a person who does not have high support needs will more often than not look very similar to ADHD, OCD etc etc. Autism being a spectrum can make it look like so many different things in so many different people. Someone with autism may be hyperverbal, able to read tone of voice and emotions with ease, and be outgoing, which are all traits that are not inherently apart of autism.

If you do not have *insert disorder that you self diagnosed*, you may be spreading misinformation. Many mental illnesses are already so stigmatized. Regardless of if YOU think that YOU have this disorder and that YOUR experiences are part of it, if you're wrong you may be adding to the stigma. For example, there are a lot of people who fake tourettes, dissociative identity disorder, etc. and this is very dangerous to people who actually suffer from these conditions. When self diagnosing please be mindful of others when you post about it publicly and be sure to specify that you are self diagnosed if you do! This is not meant to be mean or make you feel any less valid. Your experiences, regardless of your disorder or label, is 100% valid and you deserve to be taken seriously. But you have to realize that your words have impact on others.

"Tips" for self diagnosing

Don't! If you can easily get a professional diagnosis. See above points for why.

If you do, put in the research! This doesn't mean look up "autism spectrum disorder" on Google and look at the first 3 symptoms and decide that you resonate. Look up how it is professionally diagnosed, what the DSM-5 criteria is, and speak with/watch content creators, friends, family etc that have been diagnosed!

Take note of the different variations in different individuals. Do not watch one YouTube channel of a person with *insert disorder* and think that they represent the entire community. They do not. Not one single person represents an entire community, this goes for any, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, etc. If you know one person with autism you know one person with autism.

Research other conditions that are similar. You think you're autistic? Cool, research it as stated above! But don't forget to research ADHD, OCD, and other disorders that have overlapping symptoms! And yes, it is possible to have multiple, which is another reason why self diagnosing can be tricky.

ABOVE ALL ELSE: LISTEN TO THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN PROFESSIONALLY DIAGNOSED AND TO PROFESSIONALS!

There is no shame in telling someone, especially a therapist, that you think you have a disorder. What will likely happen is that the more you fight for yourself and your concerns the more you will be taken seriously and possibly given an opportunity to get a screening. The worst that will happen is that you'll self diagnose and get it wrong, but possibly be properly diagnosed! You know yourself better than anyone. Regardless of what label you have, you are valid, you are loved and you will be okay. If you ever have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to me! I'm here for you!

For transparency, this is my situation:

Autism - pending diagnosis, see above ADHD - diagnosed PTSD - diagnosed Dissociative identity disorder - diagnosed, previously self diagnosed Borderline personality disorder - sort of pending. was told by a therapist that it seems more likely that I have BPD than bipolar disorder, but it was never screened. self diagnosed Bipolar type 1 with psychosis - diagnosed, mixed beliefs from different professionals, personally undiagnosed Eating disorder - diagnosed (will not elaborate, am in recovery!)

#adhd #autism #actually adhd #actually autistic #autistic #asd #borderline personality disorder #bpd #cluster b #ptsd #disordered eating #bipolar #dissociative identity disorder #did system #mental health #mental health awareness #self diagnosis #self diagnosed #self dx

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antagskin · 2 years

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“Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder”

aesop carl x survivor!reader

originally crossposted from Wattpad

tags: fluff, crushing, aesop carl being awkward, gn reader, POVs of reader and aesop, aesop teaches you about embalming

notes: the reader can be read as gn! also this is heavily edited so it’s not the same as the original wattpad post

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Ever since you came to the manor your eyes have been fixated on a certain survivor. Being a survivor yourself, of course, you have to get along with everyone to win matches. Yes, most of them are great, but they're not special like a certain someone.

Aesop Carl, or Embalmer, as he is known as. He is a peculiar man, never talked much, and is always alone. He has a certain fascination with death and dead people, which usually scared the other survivors from interacting with him. But not you, you like that about him. You like his weirdness, it made him unique in a way.

You searched for the grey-haired man everywhere, but he wasn't anywhere to be found. That's until you thought of where he could be. Could he be at a map with graveyards? Maybe he could be at the Red Church, yeah, he was probably there looking for bodies. Your nervousness didn't kick in yet, so your confidence rose the more you thought about it. You might finally be able to encounter the infamous Aesop Carl today.

•••

“Why weren't there any bodies here?” Aesop asked aloud to himself. There weren't any corpses to embalm, or any coffins to dig up. There was nothing here. This was a waste of time, why did he have to come here? Aesop set his case down and sighed. There wasn't anything of interest there whatsoever.

"Hm.." Aesop couldn't help but feel deep in thought. Why weren't there any dead bodies here to embalm? This is a game of killing, surely there would be victims. Or, he could make the victim dead himself. But, this cursed manor always brings people back alive again. Aesop has died several times, only to escape it and live again. It's horrifying living in the cursed mansion.

‘Why don't I just practice embalming with my power?’ Aesop thought, summoning a coffin and looking at the clay person. It wasn't the same as a real dead person, but it'll do. Aesop took his brushes out of his case and started decorating the clay. Before he knew it, the person turned out to be...you.

Why you? Why did Aesop make it you? You and Aesop haven't spoken, besides that, he's never even approached you either. He shouldn't have made it you, because there's nothing special about you. You’re just ordinary, that's all. But, some features of you can captivate Aesop somehow. Your hair, your deep eyes, that amazing skin. The perfect subject to embalm once you’ve passed.

Aesop couldn't help but feel his face heat up. Why was he attracted to you? Not in a romantic way, just in a way. You would look so beautiful dead and embalmed by Aesop.

You always look so tired, if only you could be at peace just once.

Aesops face felt hot as he thought of holding your dead body.

Death is beautiful to him, it's like bringing mercy to someone that's suffered long enough. He don't want you to suffer any longer in this manor. Aesop thought some more about this subject until he heard a sudden noise behind him. He quickly slammed the coffin shut to hide the replica body he made of you and turned his head around to see who it was.

The person that emerged from behind a wall turned out to be you! Aesop felt his heart race, not from attraction, but anxiety and nervousness. What are you doing here? Why are you here?

•••

‘Oh god, this was a bad idea.’ You awkwardly waved at Aesop before slightly approaching him. You walked slowly, not sure what to say at all. You didn't even think you’d get this far. You cleared your throat, almost sweating from anxiety.

"H...Hi Aesop! Um, I was just wondering...uh...if you could...tell me about embalming?" You mentally facepalmed for asking something so stupid. Why did you ask that in the first place?

Aesop looked at you, not in the eyes, but he looked at you. He then looked away and scratched his head before answering.

"You...you want to know about my job?" Aesop asked, he sounded nervous as well, but also happy? That makes two of you here. He fiddled with his case and opened it. You noticed various brushes and other knick-knacks inside that were used for the embalming process.

"W-Well...to start...usually you'd have to disinfect the body with a certain solution." You smiled as Aesop went on and on about how his job works. This was going better than you’d thought it was going to be. Maybe it was the right choice to look for Aesop.

"T-Then, after the body is fully embalmed, you have to wash their hair and..." Aesop suddenly went quiet. He looked away from you, making you panic, what's going on? You hesitantly put a hand on his shoulder, which made him jump slightly.

"S-Sorry, I-"

"N-No it's okay! It's my fault, um, you can keep going...I mean if you'd want." You shyly looked away, slightly ashamed of yourself for startling him. You knew Aesop had some boundaries, but you might've accidentally crossed them. Suddenly, Aesop placed his hand onto yours.

"I...I'm sorry, I went quiet because I thought I was talking too much..." Aesop nervously scratched his neck. You blushed at the sudden touch and smiled at Aesop.

"Well, I think it's cool! I really want to hear more some time, I mean, if you're up for it." You could feel your voice waver near the end of your statement. It's not like this is some sort of date, right? You couldn't tell what Aesop was thinking, but his hand didn't move from yours.

"...That can work for me." Aesop admitted. You blushed at the thought of spending time with Aesop as he talked about his interests. Maybe something between you two could work out after all.

"Great! What time?" You couldn’t even begin to describe my happiness. Aesop slightly flinched at the loudness of your voice, which made you realize how worked up you were getting, calming down a little.

"I'm free tomorrow...but I have an invitation at 2:00..." Aesop showed you an invitation to a game. You looked at it and nodded.

"Okay, I'll meet you at 12 then, I'll see you there." You gave Aesop one last smile before walking away.

——————————————————————————

#idv aesop #aesop carl #aesop carl x reader #aesop carl just like me fr (autistic)#fluff #embalming mention #gender neutral reader

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rhube · 4 months

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The unbelievable stupidity of targeted advertising

I am fairly cagey about what I let track me on the Internet. I use Firefox, I have extensions to further block tracking, and on my computer I also use Malwarebites. I do my searches with Start Page and DuckDuckGo. I decline everything I'm allowed to whenever I get GDPR pop-ups. I regularly check and adjust privacy settings where I can.

But I still get targeted advertising, and lately it has become pretty fucking hilarious.

I didn't screenshot this one, but repeatedly, on the stupid Cat Game I play on my phone, I have had very poorly made ads for dental implants in Turkey. Like, they are still images that were obviously very cheap to buy. Someone is relying on only showing this shit to people they think will be specifically interested.

So why does an algorithm think I am someone who would specifically be interested in dental implants from Turkey?

I'm going to tell you two things that will make you go 'Oh yeah, that's why,' and then I'm going to explain why no human would reach that conclusion.

I have been making a lot of toots on Mastodon about my dentist and doing dentist searches. I have also been searching for maps to places in Turkey.

Clearly a person interested in dental care and going to Turkey, right?

Except this is the context:

My toots are ranting about my ableist dentist and their anti-mask policies that mean I haven't been able to go to the dentist in ages because I am medically vulnerable. They've been very dentist negative and talking about my considerable trauma and anxiety about going to the dentist. I recently lost a filling, so had no choice but to make an appointment. Before I did, I searched for LOCAL private dentists, to see if I could find one with better safety practices.

I had to use Edge to look at one website because it did not work in Firefox. Whatever tracking Edge does must think THE one and only thing I am interested in is dentists.

At the same time, I have been listening to audio lectures on the History of Mesopotamia and the History of the Persian Empire. The courses don't come with maps, so every time they mention a place name, I am running searches on those places for maps so I can visualise where they are and what's going on (I have learnt a lot of geography! I'm probably retaining it better than the history!)

A lot of places in Mesopotamia and ancient Persia are now in modern day Turkey.

Whether it's poor compliance to GDPR (likely - i don't think objecting to (il)legitimate interests stops anything) on the websites hosting the images, or Facebook tracking me when I'm logged out, or crawlers scraping my toots, SOMEHOW I have been tagged as REALLY interested in places in Turkey and probably maps of Turkey, as someone who was going to Turkey might be.

But I'm not. In fact, a human being would infer that someone who's too sick to go to a dentist that doesn't mask is *really* unlikely to be travelling anywhere.

And once you know that most of my searches are about places in fucking Babylonia and Assyria, it's obvious that I'm not even mostly looking at the parts of the maps that are in Turkey.

A human being would NEVER try to target me with dental implants from Turkey.

But whatever auto-buys targeted ad space on Cat Game thinks I am the fucking jackpot.

And then today.

Sweet kittens.

This is the exact same style of ad as the dental implants, btw. Same still image that's the wrong shape to view on a phone. It's a different product, but somewhere along the way, it's the same company that thinks I, an unemployed chronically ill person, would travel to Turkey for dental implants, who also thinks I would want a Rolex that can go under water.

If I hadn't had the first one I probably wouldn't have twigged why I was targeted for this. It's such an unlikely product for me. I hate watches and am aggressively uninterested in expensive ones. So why, why, why...?

I'm pretty sure 'Submariner' is the key.

A couple of days ago I made a rant in which I talked about Margaret Cavendish predicting submarines. I possibly even tagged it with the word 'submarine'.

I have also been talking a lot about my heart rate monitor. But because that's a lot to type out, I often just refer to it as my 'watch'. There was even a post about which wrist you wear your watch on in which I explained in the tags that I hate wearing watches, so I have to keep changing which wrist I wear my watch on.

The confluence of someone interested in submarines and watches could plausibly be considered to correlate highly with the interest in buying a submariner watch by an algorithm.

But to a person it's fucking obvious that I actually hate watches and would never be interested in one that doesn't monitor my heart. And the sum total of my interest in submarines comes from posts about literature that only mention them as one among many signifiers that a classic work is science fiction.

This kind of junk advertising that tries to sell people stuff they hate is what powers most of how our economy works these days. This kind of tagging content as expressing an (assumed positive) 'interest' in something is behind the vast majority of 'machine learning'. I've seen under the hood of how these things work. Just being on a page that contains something tagged as indicating interest in something is taken as useful information.

You visit a page that contains an address, and a computer adds that into the likelihood that you're interested in the city mentioned in the address. You're not. It's just the contact details for the company that sells the rubber dog toy you just bought.

On the vast, generalised scale, you can get interesting info from stuff like this. You can see trends in populations and industries, and tiny, irrelevant info like mentions of cities you're not buying tickets to vanishes into nothing. It's not that the overall practice has no value.

The problem is that the vast majority of advertising that tries to target specific people with specific products is fucking useless. Because meaning is determined by context.

I can't remember if it was Quine or Davidson that pointed this out (Davidson was Quine's student and they were both obsessed with interpretation, translation, and meaning): you can't translate single words meaningfully. You have to translate sentences (do a search on 'gavagai' to find out more, I've talked long enough and don't want to go deep into the indeterminism of translation; it's not as scary as it sounds, though - there are bunnies). Meaning relies on context.

And as Davidson further developed the thought, to be meaningful, the context needs to include embodied, successful communication between minded beings about a shared external world. We have nothing approaching a machine that can do that. And until we do, machine learning is going to keep trying to sell dental implants to people who hate dentists and are learning about Babylonia.

Because machines can't know what teeth and Babylon are, let alone their relations to disabled former academics lying in baths.

#targeted advertising #philosophy of language #philosophy of mind and language #teeth #body horror #listen i don't want to tag it with the words that were used to target me #but at least one of those things is body horror to me

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definitionsfading · 11 months

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I'm equal parts optimistic and dreading how I'll be able to mentally manage being an active and creative part of fandom during this tsunami getting ready to hit the good omens fan space after thursday. I haven't been in the "first wave" of a fandom event in a...A Very Long Time. maybe since 2016? so it scares me a little bit, lmao, because these social spaces have changed pretty drastically even since that point in time. it's going to be overwhelming. hopefully mostly in a good way, but even then I already know I'm going to have to block people left and right to maintain some peace.

and like right now I have no idea how I'm going to fit into this new era with my fanworks. I generally write niche one-shots for good omens and almost always have, and they're successful for a HOT MINUTE, but I feel like they aren't remembered or recommended to anybody, anywhere, unless it's in a closed discord server of people with the same fucking kinks as me 😂 you know what I'm saying!!!!!! EVEN THE FICS THAT AREN'T KINKY. which in itself isn't bad, because I love writing for my fellow freaks. it's just...complicated, feeling like your talent is wasted or ignored because it doesn't have the "right" mass appeal. like why did god curse me to live life as an underdog with rabies in these fan spaces after things went south in the detroit become human fandom in 2020. guess I'll never know.

it goes beyond wanting to have attention and needed to be validated because this shit will get existential real quick in the sense that I feel like I create in a vacuum a lot. it's a lonely and weird little process that happens in my brain where other people don't often understand where the hell I'm coming from. sometimes they do! most of the time they Don't. and I just need people to be on the same page as me, where we can point at each other's eyes and Know we're about the same shit. I need that sense of creative kinship.

I'll go ahead and shut the fuck up for now, but yeah. generalized anxiety is a bitch when you really want to be part of a Community and the anticipation of this event is so all-encompassing

so this is just me all week and for the rest of the month rn; no big deal

#brought to you in part my by neurotic generalized anxiety

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froggieco · 1 year

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PLEASE DONT SCROLL!

(UPDATED)

This is my boy Charlie

If you give me your ear I'd like to tell you his story.

I found Charlie at a shelter in 2019 and I fell in love right away. As I was getting to know him the workers told me that he had come and gone from the shelter often, the most recent time coming back from a family with small children who tormented him. On the white patch on his chest there was a blue stain from a sucker that was stuck to him. One of his previous owners had claimed he was so aggressive that they completely declawed him. This poor baby had been picked up and dumped in 7 years. Needless to say I couldn't leave him there.

When I brought him home he was extremely skittish, not wanting to interact with anyone and hiding under my bed basically for 3 days. But it didn't discourage me, I sat on my floor putting food and water where he could get it and just calmly talking to him about anything. By the night of the third day he ended up jumping up on my bed and laying by me. Anytime I moved he would tense but eventually we both fell asleep.

It took a long time to build his trust but 4 years later and we have an unbreakable bond. Every second it took to build was worth more then I can imagine. It's cliche but it was really him who saved me.

The last year he's been having some weird behaviors, the most blatant one is peeing everywhere. I mean everywhere. He peened on beds, clothes, the carpet, just about anywhere but the litter box. I took him to the vet right away and found he had a UTI. Great, I can take care of that with antibiotics! But after he finished them he was still peeing outside the litter box. I thought then that maybe it was the stress of having two new dogs in the house, something behavioral. I did everything, got special litter, picking everything up, got hormone therapy, anxiety meds, spending extra time with him. Everything. None of it was working and I was at a complete loss. I had him checked for another UTI but it came back clear. Eventually I took him to a different vet and asked for a complete blood check because I knew something was wrong.

It turned out something was wrong. Charlie has diabetes. When I tell you I was heartbroken for taking so long to figure it out, thinking it was behavioral, thinking it was nothing but a UTI... words don't describe how guilty I feel. But I'm glad I caught it early, before I found him in keto acidosis. I'm very blessed

The only issue is I am in a horrible financial situation. I'm barely making by and a lot of the time I can't afford groceries. I never let this stop me from giving the best care to my pets, in fact that's where most of my time and money goes to (other then my own medical expenses as I have many disabilities). Instantly I knew I needed help affording insulin for him.

That's why I'm here. I have a GoFundMe that I will use to save up enough for a year of insulin. If I could get a year I'm hoping I can get out of my issue and save up enough to be able to afford it myself. I know it's a lot, I know it's a long shot but I'm hoping for a miracle. I know many people won't be able to donate but even if you just share this, I will be eternally grateful.

If you've made it this far, thank you so so much. Thank you for listening to me and I hope this is able to reach the people who can help me take care of my baby boy

PLEASE SHARE 💙

!!UPDATE!!

Hello everyone, I thought I would make an updated fundraiser as well as give more information to what I have learned over the year since making my original fundraiser.

Charlie is in heart failure. I still haven't accepted this, even while looking up treatments and seeing the life expectancy. I'm stretched thin with his diabetes treatment and I'm not sure what any heart treatments would be. He is my old man now, 11 years old and still has a car engine purr. This fundraiser is for insulin for a year, which I'm hoping to make the best year of his life.

I want to thank everyone who even took the time to read this, it truly means the world to me.

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formulapisces · 10 months

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okay sorry this is close to a day late 😭😭 today has been non-stop sport so I haven't been able to spare much attention for other things 🥺

I know the feeling about getting burned out and giving up. for me I think it is a combo of the adhd and the metaphorical ghost of my mother habitually criticising me and they're both really hard to shake off :/ I'm honestly not sure how to get past it, but I'm trying to have more fun with learning this time around and trying to not have so much pressure on myself. doing it the other way didn't get me anywhere :/

being unwell during an exam sounds awful :( anxiety is even worse :/ I'm glad it worked out in the end though 🥺🥺🥺

🦇🩷🫂 (bat anon who will keep cheering you on)

oh i’m sorry i didn’t see this because (ironically) i was distracted… again. this one is more personal and is mostly just me rambling for paragraphs about how much free time i have and how i’ve been spending it.

i go on tangents about art styles, little hedgehogs, exams, and waiting lists. enjoy. 😂

the exams i missed were all multiples: i had 3 history exams and missed one, 2 physics exams and missed one, and 2 english language exams and missed one - that’s why i was able to pass because they used my averages. nobody thought i was going to pass, and i completely broke down when i got home on results day because i was told for the whole summer that i didn’t try hard enough and if i really cared i would have showed up but it isn’t that easy and people don’t understand that. i used to say it was because of a miracle that i passed, but now i’m saying it was because of me, and the effort i put in to everything else which i was able to do. 🙂🫂

i go through almost the exact same thing, so i relate to that 🫂🫂🫂. i get burned out because of adhd and then feel guilty i’m burned out, which only leads me to feeling even worse. i’ve been trying to do things just because they make me happy and just focusing on myself recently. i’m just doing my paintings and going on my walks 😅🫂. it’s really difficult because (using those exams as an example) i was completely burned out and unmotivated but i didn’t get any help from anybody, i was just criticised for it which made the situation even worse. that seems to be a pattern now, whether it’s somebody else giving the criticism or myself, so that’s what i’m trying to stop.

i’m letting myself take breaks and giving myself permission to heal, whether that looks like going on a 3 hour walk, or staying in bed and watching whatever youtube video will distract me or make me smile until i’m ready to face everything again, and both are just as good as eachother :)

i’ve forgotten to mention that i’m meant to be having an autism assessment, but the waiting list is so long. i was assessed as a child but they would just say no because i was shy. because of the fact that i can’t even stand to look at anybody because of anxiety and being uncomfortable until they mention one of my few interests, we* decided to agree to go through with it again. right now i feel like i’m just waiting for so many things, and i have so much time to myself and so much time to think - and that’s been good and bad. if i was doing something else right now i actually think i’d be in a lot worse of a place and i don’t regret taking the path i took, quitting my job, not continuing education, it lead to me talking to you and picking up painting again and going outside more. when i was in work, i felt so trapped and it made my already bad mental health worse. (we* = me and my last therapist)

i realise i’m rambling and i think the running theme throughout me rambling has been time, and giving yourself the time and permission to just live, to take an hour rambling on tumblr because it makes me feel better.

i also realised from having so much time to myself, and this might sound stupid, but you don’t have to accept the criticism. it’s obviously not easy and a lot easier said than done but i don’t need to accept criticism, i can and will do things i enjoy for myself. for example: when i used to draw i would do really ‘impressive’ detailed realism, only for my families validation, but i didn’t like it, i just liked that my family were seeing something i drew and i felt accepted because of that. now that i get the validation from myself, i’m doing what i love, which turns out to be watercolour landscapes and (spoiler alert) it is not detailed or ‘impressive’ but i like it. i like drawing funny looking little hedgehogs and bees and robins or whatever stupid thing makes me giggle. i like how therapeutic it is and that’s what matters :) id much prefer to sit by my window while it’s raining drawing things i love, instead of going grey at 13 because i cant draw eyelashes. 😅

this was just me writing anything which came to mind so i’m sorry it was such a mess, a lot of thoughts came to me all at once and i wanted to write them all out. thank you for reading this far, i really appreciate you reading everything i write back even if it is paragraphs of something i could have said in 2 sentences.

i’m always cheering you on too!!! i have no idea what i’d do if i didn’t have somebody who is always there for me, you’ve helped me so much, more than you would ever imagine. you’re so helpful and kind, i feel the love and i’m sending lots back for you 🫂🤍💜

#🦇 anon #your messages are the highlights of my day 😅🤍#🤍

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