#The innate desire to only ever be right about things sucks actually

[brookheimer]

these recent episodes in particular have been so endlessly heartbreaking and fascinating regarding not only how logan's abuse has manifested differently in each roy but also how the forms the abuse took as well as logan's motivation/emotion behind it varied so greatly from kid to kid. each kid is uniquely damaged, both because they're different individuals and also because the treatment they experienced wasn't uniform at all. i think kendall and shiv received the most similar treatment, just with variations based on their identities as Golden Boy and Woman (Derogatory) respectively -- i think logan's approach towards both of them was rooted in his desire for them to 'reach their full potential' in his eyes (which, again, probably means different things depending on what genitalia they have). connor, meanwhile, was subject to pure neglect. but despite the differences in the abuse experienced by kendall, shiv, and connor, one thing holds true for all of them: each one of them is obsessed with independence, be that through rebellion or self-sufficiency. they convince themselves they're over it, over needing dad's love, because they're their own people now, so everyone else can suck it. they're lying, of course, but they're trying to believe it so hard it's painful.

and then there's roman, whose abuse at logan's hands has had the opposite effect: it's nearly impossible for him to even conceive of himself as a real person with agency and value. while logan's 'tough love,' as he'd call it (although most psychologists would call it 'abuse'), towards ken and shiv was motivated by his desire to actually make them live up to their potential, and to increase their value by instilling (what he viewed as) 'positive qualities' into them, logan's 'tough love' for roman was motivated by his desire to beat the wrongness out of him. rather than trying to add anything positive or bring out the best in roman, logan's priority when dealing with roman was trying to get rid of (what he viewed as) the 'negative qualities' inherent within him. and when he couldn't, he sent him away to military school. ken and shiv were taught to live up to their respective potentials, connor had to teach himself how to live because no one else did it for him, but roman wasn't taught anything -- he was only taught how not to be. because while the others were lacking qualities logan desired, roman was innately, uniquely, entirely wrong. it wasn't a matter of making roman into the man logan wanted him to be so much as it was unmaking roman into something logan could look at without feeling sick. because roman is abnormal, unforgivably so. he's broken, fucked up. he's not made right. real people, normal people, don't act like this, feel like this. everyone else is a person and he isn't, so he doesn't count, not really. while logan shaped the identities of kendall, shiv, and even connor, all he did for roman was convince him that he's not enough of a person to have one, that all he is and all he'll ever be is Wrong.

(this got really long so the rest is under the cut!)

why did logan treat each of his children like he did, like he does?

logan manipulated kendall and shiv and tested them again and again because he saw potential in them and wanted them to prove their worth -- so, he constantly oscillated between showing them love and withholding it, hinting at acceptance before cruelly whisking it away. we see in the present that this incessant game of keep away has resulted in violent, emotional oscillation for shiv and ken, in that they are similarly constantly ping-ponging between two poles, depending on how logan treated them last. they only have two states of being: a desperate desire to win logan's approval, and a burning anger that can only be quelled by 'destroying' him entirely. right now, obviously, they're obsessively in that latter mindset, and even though they try to say it's not about logan, it sounds hollow even to themselves. then there's logan's neglect of connor -- i guess he never really saw connor as a true son, never really cared enough to love or hate him, which resulted in the connor we saw insisting he's able to subsist without love a la 4x02. connor's experience is also unique, as he's the only kid whose daddy issues stem not from logan's presence in his life but his absence from it. it's pretty opposite from shiv and kendall's experience, but clearly no healthier or easier to heal from. then there's roman, the disappointment. he's not a disappointment in the way that shiv and ken end up being, because logan didn't expect anything good from roman anyways. he's a disappointment from the get-go, before he even had the chance to become anyone -- we're told time and time again that logan's relationship with roman has always been defined been his conviction that there's something inherently wrong in his son. we don't know the origin of logan's disgust for roman, but it's not hard to imagine it has something to do with his deeply misogynistic beliefs and the fact that roman is not exactly what one thinks of when they try to picture Masculinity. he cares deeply, loves fully, and logan cannot stand it. shiv might be his daughter, but roman, roman's the girl, and somehow that's even worse than if shiv were. this distaste only strengthens as time goes on -- most of roman's issues stem from that distaste to begin with, so for a long time it's just a seemingly endless cycle of roman becoming 'worse' and logan despising him all the more for it, which, of course, leads to roman becoming even 'worse' and so on and so on. logan will never respect or like roman, will never choose him, because he thinks something is deeply, deeply wrong with him. logan's disgusted by him and uniquely cruel because of it; after all, there's a reason roman was the only one he ever hit.

this idea -- that there’s something uniquely and inherently wrong with roman, that he’s not a person the same way his siblings are, that he never has been or will be -- this exact thought is both roman's biggest fear and his strongest held belief, and the only reason that thought even exists in the first place is because logan made it the fuck up. obviously, it's not true; there's no such thing as Being Inherently Wrong And Bad, especially not for, what, showing emotion and loving your family? roman is not inherently wrong, inherently abnormal, but at this point he's so deeply convinced he is that it doesn't matter (and at this point, he's got enough issues to fill up an entire edition of the DSM, but that's due to trauma and abuse rather than some innate internal failing of his). roman desperately doesn’t want it to be true, desperately hopes no one else sees that in him, but he strongly strongly believes that everyone does anyways, and that's terrifying. that's why he's flippant, devil-may-care -- so what if i'm wrong? i don't care. fuck you. that’s why roman had such a strong reaction to kendall telling him point-blank “you’re not a real person” in ‘Too Much Birthday;’ whether or not kendall intended it to be, it was quite possibly the hardest-hitting thing he could've said at that moment. roman was on a high, albeit a painfully transparent one, and that comment brought him right back to earth — it doesn’t matter that dad’s favoring you right now, you are not a real person and you never will be. no matter what you do, you will always be broken, wrong, abnormal, incomplete.

what’s ironic is that as much as roman wants to prove that statement wrong, he is literally incapable of allowing himself to do so. he’s internalized this abnormality and wrongness so fully that he cannot bring himself to do anything at all that he feels would contradict it. it makes him feel sick, viscerally uncomfortable, like he's doing something wrong; meanwhile, it's only when he's being 'wrong' and gross and abnormal that he feels comfortable. just look at his sex life. it’s not just that he doesn’t enjoy regular sex and only gets turned on by weird shit, but that he is deeply, deeply uncomfortable and disgusted by any attempt to have sex normally, to love normally. he feels like it’s something he’s not allowed to do, someone he’s not allowed to be, and it just feels wrong wrong wrong. he’s too wrong to have right sex. he’s too wrong to have right love. his identity is wrongness. being wrong, being seen as wrong, is the only thing he understands. anything else is inconceivable. it's so ingrained into him that he can't imagine any other way of being.

roman has been so thoroughly convinced that he doesn’t count as a person, not really, that he doesn’t even realize the fact that he has agency — when it comes down to it, he only thinks of himself as someone that things are done to, not someone capable of doing things, especially not to others. he thinks he doesn’t have an impact on other people because he’s not enough of a person for his opinions or actions to matter. roman is incredibly passive in every relationship he has: someone allows him to be in their life and as long as they do, he will never actually leave of his own volition, i don’t think he fully realizes that’s something he actually has the ability to do. people just begrudgingly let him stay in their lives until they don’t anymore. he’s just there like an ugly bauble on a shelf, unmoving until someone remembers it’s there and throws it out — and he always, always expects to be thrown out. it's the other person who decides what happens to him. he doesn't decide what happens to him, much less them. he loves unconditionally because he's been taught to think he doesn't deserve it in return. the other siblings have been taught that they need to fight for it, but even that is newer to roman; he's used to loving dad without being loved in return, and the others aren't. being loved in return is a bonus.

every sibling is so incredibly broken as a result of logan’s abuse, but roman’s the only one who thinks he deserves to be. because that’s what logan taught him: he needs the wrong beaten out of him. so anything logan does is fair game, because roman is the one who provoked it. roman is the one who came out wrong. he's not a real person. why would he expect logan to treat him like one?

#ok ive looked at this too long hashtag posting it. sorry for the fucking thesis but god i've been going insane about him and all of them #roman roy #kendall roy #shiv roy #connor roy #succession #succession spoilers #logan roy #succession s4 #casey shut the fuck up about roman roy #and also succession in general really. christ you're a mess #succession meta #is that a tag i use? idk #100 #500

[turtlemagnum]

here's a rant where i discuss the intersection of beauty standards and my own self image:

i feel like in most media, the men portrayed as desirable are generally the "pretty" ones. skinny, thin face, not necessarily always "feminine" but we don't really see bears portrayed as the attractive ones. i see this mirrored in real life, too. whenever i see a beautiful woman with a man she's clearly not related to, she's generally some manner of prettyboy twink. meanwhile, i'm a bear

i've pretty much always been fat. i'm certainly working my way towards fitness, finally, but my goal isn't really skinniness so much as it is toning my bulk. i've got a wide face, i'm hairy as shit, and judging by how a lot of my body is actually about as thin as it'll ever be due to the shape of my bones, the places i'll lose weight are mostly in the front parts of my torso and my upper legs. frankly, i'm fine with this; at least on a certain level. i once followed this little formula to calculate the maximum size of a handgun you can realistically concealed carry, and according to the math i could do a god damn desert eagle, and that's cool as hell. for a while i've thought that my only way out of hating my body was liposuction or something, but i've realized that i don't really want to be skinny. i don't want to be a prettyboy. i want to be a bear, and after i've thought about it i'm glad my body's turned out with such a good base. but it feels like nobody else wants that

in queer spaces (and outsiders talking about queer spaces/people), the people who get the most attention are fem and fem adjacent folks. it definitely feels like a lot of people treat queerness as an innately feminine thing, which sucks for me since aside from being queer and i'm very outwardly masculine, at least in the ways that are outwardly identifiable (e.g. appearance and voice come to mind). so in a way, i definitely feel like a lot of things that are considered Standard Queerness just don't really apply to me, like clubs and ostentatious manners of dress/presentation.

meanwhile, straight spaces are generally worse about most everything. i honestly probably don't need to elaborate on this, but it still definitely feels like some amount of the same applies. most heartthrob celebrity men are skinny twinks who'd need 40 years of full body rogaine immersion and heavy eating to get a remotely comparable physique to what i have going on. nearly every male pop idol could put on a dress and change nothing else about themselves and easily pass as a woman. for as much posturing straight society commits to about MEN and being REAL MEN there's certainly a major degree of androgyny common to a fair amount of mainstream masculinity. so that' s my predicament, right

i live in a world where i don't really see people like me ever thought of as desirable. i'm sure there are people out there who would, i've even met a few of them, but given how socially isolated i am in general it's hard not to feel this even harder. i'm sure i'll find someone eventually, but for now GOD does this suck, maan.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Here’s the thing about conservatives/conservative christians.

I do enjoy a good roast video on youtube every once and a while from my fellow progressives, however at the end of the day, I don’t think these types of things are necessarily the most effective tool. Yes, being informative while also funny can help a lot of people learn some things. Yes, a LOT of conservatives are dealing with heavy indoctrination and don’t always have access or awareness of fact-based, healthy information. I won’t deny for a second that this is a real thing that a lot of people in those communities are dealing with.

That said, I think it’s important that we are more aware of the fact that bad information is only a portion of the real problem with conservative christians. The bigger, more difficult problem is that they get off on what they do.

I’m not kidding. I’m not being snarky. In my experience, every christian conservative I’ve ever known was getting an emotional high off of being so godly and moral and just downright “better” than the libs. This is at the heart of why they do what they do. They are getting off at other people’s expense.

And once you understand that, it’s easier to get why throwing facts at them doesn’t usually work. These are people who have a vested emotional interest in throwing their moral self-image around, and they are not going to give that precious shot of serotonin up for your boring facts and science and bleeding heart compassion. Because it’s not about facts, or logic, or doing what’s right. It’s not even about fear of damnation or love for god. It’s about feeling more important, special, and good than other people. That’s all it is. That’s everything you need to know in a nutshell.

Even the rhetoric around gender essentialism/heteronormativity is one great big circle jerk about their favorite sexual fetish: traditional gender roles. I’m still not joking. They have an entire sexual/romantic fantasy world surrounding traditional gender roles - which they drone on and on about - that they don’t recognise as a fetish. But that’s absolutely what it is. I straight up think they just get off on framing themselves and their partners like that. I’m dead serious. They don’t realise that they are experiencing personal sexual prefrences or expressing a fantasy. To them, homosexuality and complex gender identities kill the fantasy dead. If your fantasy is that you have an innate animal instinct  (dirty, uncontrollable instinct)  to behave one specific way, and furthermore that the sublime all-loving god gave you those instincts for a specific devine spiritual purpose (sublime. orgasmic even), but stepping out of line is ~~forbidden~~ and somebody tells you that innate animal instinct isn’t even real and neither is the speshul purpose and even sin isn’t meaningful, because lots of people don’t have or want that experience or even care about the theatrical melodrama of it all, then the fantasy is totally broken and your sexy feelings aren’t that magical anymore and maybe, just maybe, your marriage actually sucks.

Women on youtube who have an entire career made off of talking about ~traditional womanhood~ seem to be just straight up out there telling you about their hyperfeminine submissive fetish identity, how desirable they are compared to you, and how great and important and spiritual their lifestyle is.

So just telling these people the facts isn’t really enough. These people only change if they are able to recognise the sheer toxicity of how they outright entertain themselves treating other people the way that they do.

Which also I think explains a lot about what purity culture borrows from conservative christianity.

#I don't even know how to tag this

[marshmallow-phd]

Catching Rain

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Wolf!AU

Pairing: Minseok x Reader

Summary: You were more than satisfied with your life. You attended a nice college, had nice friends, a nice boyfriend. That’s what your life was: nice. You weren’t looking for anything more, so what were you to do when this seemingly harmless boy walked into your life and turned your nice little world into one much more dangerous?

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I Epilogue

**

The theatre was loud, opposite of its normally hushed nature. People were yelling back and forth, saws and drills screeching as they tore through wood. In the background, sewing machines could be heard, along with the occasional curse as the needle got stuck in the fabric. One person, however, was quiet, focused. The paintbrush in his hand was small. The hairs tightly pressed together in order to create the perfect details on the backdrop. Erik was hunched over, sitting cross-legged on the stage floor as he squinted at the distant forest he was perfecting. Setting your bag down in the second row, you headed up the stage stairs.

“Hey,” you said softly in order not to scare him. 

Blinking, he turned around. His glasses were on the very tip of his nose, having slipped from the slight bit of sweat that had conjured on his face from the glaring stage lights. With a green speckled finger, he pushed the frame back up to its proper position. “Hey! I thought you had a project?”

You shrugged. “I did, but… I kind of hit a wall and needed to give my brain a rest. I’m sorry, I guess I should have gotten lunch with you anyway.”

“That’s alright. If you want, I still have half of my sandwich left.”

Smiling, you ruffled his hair. “Thanks, I’m not really hungry.” Minseok’s dismissive response had ruined the idea of food for you. Later you knew you would be starving, but right now food sounded like a great way to churn your stomach and see what it had been brewing all morning. “I’m just going to go hang out in the seats, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “No one will bother you or question it. Not that anyone would notice in the first place.”

“It’s pretty crazy around here, isn’t it?”

“You missed the big explosion when Dorothy couldn’t find the armchair for the second act. Turns out, someone just leaned a piece of wood for the set against it and hid it from view. Still took us half an hour to find it.”

You snorted. “Wow. I’m actually kind of sad I missed that.” You kissed his cheek, careful to avoid a smear that you were sure he had no clue about. That stupid guilt knocked once again.

The seat was only slightly comfortable, the cushion long ago worn down from a thousand performances. You stewed there in the second row. Though it wasn’t appropriate during shows, you didn’t think anyone would care if you set your feet on the seat in front of you. Folding nearly in half, you hid your face from those who might look your way as you cranked the handle to get the gears in your head to turn. 

Confusion seemed like too weak a word to describe what was going on in your head. You were angry, frustrated, sad, relieved. There had to be some language in the world that tied those emotions all together. You just didn’t know it. Perhaps that one word could be the pill you needed to no longer feel this way. If you could shove all of that into a single box, you would be fine. But is it ever that simple? When you closed your eyes and tried not to think of anything in particular, Minseok’s face faded into view. You’d shake your head to drive the image away. It came back anyway.

You felt powerless against this unseen pull, this innate desire to see him again, even after what had just happened in the courtyard. Your mind made excuses, told you that if you simply asked him to explain then he would. Looking up at Erik, you sighed. 

There was no comparison because they were two different people. Erik was the sensitive artist, the kind who went to coffee shops on Friday nights to hear a mediocre guitar player sing his “poetry” because he believed everyone deserved an audience. Minseok, on the other hand, was a strange combination of math lab nerd and soccer team captain. He was goofy and dorky, easily amused by corny jokes, but also had the physique of someone who ran five miles in the A.M. for the fun of it. What you couldn’t figure out was what drew you to him in the first place. In any normal, not-already-dating-someone situation, you wouldn’t have been interested in his type. Yet, it was almost… effortless, being around him. Even after all these years, you sometimes had to force yourself into conversation with Erik. Comfortable silences didn’t exactly exist in your relationship, but you always chalked that up to your own personality. Now you wondered if those moments would be better with Minseok. 

Was this a normal thing? You heard stories of college sweethearts all the time and for the last few years, you thought you and Erik would join that club. You hadn’t thought about marriage, per se, but you hadn’t seen an end either. The idea of coming to a fork in the road had never occurred to you. While logic and third party advice you’d casually picked up over your life told you to stick to the left, you were being drawn to the right. One road you could easily see where it led, signs, clear pastures, and everything. The other way wasn’t as clear, disappearing into thick woods that were both inviting and foreboding. You didn’t know if there was another side for the road to come out to. The only way you would ever find out would be to follow it. 

You were able to sit there in that second row seat for a few hours, surprisingly, with your phone and the internet as your companion. Only occasionally would you contemplate that fork again. Left, right, left, right. Easy, hard, easy, hard. In the end, you decided you needed to see Minseok again to really decide. 

The stage manager called it quits late in the afternoon. Erik washed up his brushes and came to meet you. “Hungry yet?” You nodded, more for something else to do before you were alone again. “Good. I’m starving.” Taking your bag like the gentleman that he was, he waited for you to stand up and then walked you out of the theatre.

Dinner ended up being a small burger joint that Erik had been craving all day. You gave no complaints as you started salivating at the thought of their fries. Surely they had to have some sort of secret, addictive ingredient to make fried potato sticks so incredibly delicious. The two of you ended up splitting a large basket of the side. It stayed equally in the middle of the table so no one could say that the other was hogging. Yes. Safe. Easy. Seeable. 

Erik offered a follow up to dinner, but you feigned exhaustion (though there might not have been any faking truthfully, as your mind was tired from constantly running throughout the day). He walked you all the way to the door of your room. As usual, he told you goodnight and leaned in for a kiss. But unlike your normal anticipation, you flinched back to avoid his lips. He stared at you in confusion. Clearing your throat, you made it up to him by kissing his cheek before running for cover in your dorm. From the light of the hallway, you could see that Erik stood on the other side for a few seconds, hesitating to understand what had just happened, before finally walking away. 

Teeth clenched down on your bottom lip, you pulled your phone out of your back pocket. Thankfully, Willa was still out so you were alone. The glare of your phone burned in the darkness. You squinted as you moved your thumb across the screen, unlocking it before opening the contacts. The number you wanted was easy enough to find. The pad of your thumb hovered over the little green phone. It accepted the slightest touch and switched over to calling mode. You placed the speaker to your ear. 

Rrriiinggg. Rrriiinnngggg. 

“Hello?”

You sucked in air. He’d answered. You didn’t have a plan for this. You didn’t have any sort of plan after pressing call. You’d hoped that he was one of those people who didn’t have a voicemail set up. 

“Hello? (y/n)?”

You hung up. 

**

Minseok watched you stalk off in the exact direction he wished you hadn’t. Anywhere else; he would have been fine with you going anywhere besides the theatre where your boyfriend was. His wolf growled and clawed with jealousy. Why was he so stupid? Since when was keeping his mate a secret more important than being with you? Of course he wanted to eat lunch with you, to see how you got along with his brothers. But the idea of Baekhyun figuring it out had caused him to panic. As obnoxious as Baekhyun could be, he wasn’t stupid. At some point during the meal, Minseok would have done something a little overprotective and Baekhyun would have started to connect the dots. Unfortunately, he’d already picked up on something. 

“Oooo, breaking the rules, are we?” The brat even had the audacity to wiggle his eyebrows at the eldest wolf. 

Not holding back, Minseok swung, hitting a good target on the upper arm. 

“Ow!”

“First, it's not a rule,” Minseok grumbled. “Junmyeon simply suggested that we don’t date. Besides, you’re one to talk. How’s Daisy?”

Baekhyun was hardly phased. He sported a cheeky grin. “She’s great.”

Bored, Sehun asked, “Can we just go eat now? Who cares who Minseok was flirting with?”

“I wasn’t flirting with her!” Minseok shouted. He explained in a lower voice, “She’s having trouble in her math class so I’m doing Sungkyu a favor and helping her out so she can pass. That’s it.”

“So why didn’t you want her to eat with us, then?” Jongin asked innocently. 

Minseok flinched. Jongin was more observant than anyone would give him credit for. Not that Minseok was subtle in any sense of the word. “I didn’t say that I didn’t want her to eat with us. Knowing you all, you would have let something slip about what we are.”

“Minseok, we all caught that she was willing to join us,” Chanyeol said. 

Huffing, Minseok grumbled, “Are we going to go eat or should I just go by myself?”

Shrugging off the odd behavior, Baekhyun turned and headed for the parking lot. Minseok was quick to follow, feeling smaller than normal surrounded by his pack members. In his head, he pictured himself running back towards the theatre, bursting through the doors, and - in true dramatic fashion - declaring you his. 

That would be a complete disaster. He should only do that if he wanted you to never talk to him ever again. 

Minseok hardly paid attention as Chanyeol drove them to his favorite pizza place. He was in a trance as the others took control of what to order. Physically, he sat in the booth next to Sehun with Baekhyun on the other side. His shoulder was pressed into the chipped wooden guard rail that ran along the wall but he hardly noticed the uncomfortable poke in his skin. His mind was still back at the campus. He was driving himself crazy trying to figure out how he was going to make this up to you, how he was going to explain his bizarre switch up to you. He hardly ate, which was fine since the others were more than happy to devour the three large pizzas with varying toppings. The others weren’t bothered by his quietness since it was nothing new. Minseok was always more of an observer than a participant. In a time like this, it worked to his advantage.

There was no consulting Minseok when the lunch was through. They all simply piled back into the car and headed out of town towards the woods. Vague mentions of going for a run were tossed around. Minseok didn’t voice any sort of agreement. He wasn’t in the mood. Ha. A wolf not in the mood to run wild among the trees? He really was turned upside down because of you. While the younger ones headed straight for the trees, Minseok headed up the porch and through the front living room until he came to the kitchen. Oh, thank god. There were still beers in the fridge. He grabbed one and immediately opened it, still chugging as he walked over to the breakfast booth. 

“Did you have fun?”

Junmyeon slid into the booth across from him. Minseok put the can down. “Yeah. At first. We had fun with the project. It was when the others showed up that things…  went bad.”

“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asked with a frown. 

“I… panicked. The others invited her to join us and I….” Minseok shrugged. 

“Worried that the others would figure it out?” Junmyeon guessed. The response was a nod. 

“Figure what out?” 

Shit.

Baekhyun stood in the entryway, looking back and forth between the eldest and the alpha. Minseok gulped. He thought that all four of them had gone out on a run and he hadn’t heard anyone else in the house. Stepping further into the kitchen, Baekhyun asked again, “Figure what out?”

Minseok looked to Junmyeon for help. None was to be found. 

“You should probably tell them.”

“I’m not going to tell just Baekhyun so he can go running and tell the others and exaggerate.”

“I can always call a family meeting.”

“I don’t want to make that big of a deal out of it.”

“Too late on that. Besides, that’s the best way to get everyone here. Get it out of the way.”

“Or to get none of them here.”

“I’m still standing here,” Baekhyun scoffed.

Minseok looked at him. “I know.”

Junmyeon sighed. “Baekhyun, will you go get the others? Tell them it's important?”

He nodded. “Sure. Be back in a flash.” He left, already shedding the hoodie over his head. 

Slumping down in the booth, Minseok felt defeated. Junmyeon sensed this immediately. “It really won’t be that bad. And they need to be prepared.”

“Prepared?” 

“Yes. Once a pack member finds the first mate, the others will slowly start to find their own. It won’t be immediate. It could take years, really. But it’s like a domino effect. They should be aware that it's their turn next.”

It made sense. The pack was always connected, both in mind and in instinct. But it had been just them for so long, the idea of bringing in mates to the fold was odd. Minseok wasn’t sure how the others would react. Fists clenched on the table, he leaned his head down. It took almost half an hour before the rest of the pack came back. Yixing had arrived first, coming back from a lab he was making up from earlier in the week. The rest came into the kitchen ten minutes later. They were knocking into each other as they yanked on shirts and pants. 

“Okay, Junmyeon, what’s the emergency?” Jongdae asked, very prepared to be his usual sarcastic, troll self. 

But Junmyeon didn’t reply, letting Minseok take the reins instead. Minseok didn't want to do this. He wanted to run, to keep his secret a little while longer while he figured this whole thing out. But Junmyeon was right. It was time.

“(y/n) - the girl that some of you met today… she’s my mate.”

It was pure silence in the kitchen. It was unnatural in this household. The only time it was ever this quiet was when the house was empty. 

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae said. “You said… mate? Right?” Minseok nodded. He growled.  “Fantastic.”

“You really found your mate, Minseok?” Yixing was more enthusiastic about the news. He looked elated, even. A small smile was creeping up. 

Despite the stunned silence, Minseok found Yixing’s energy infectious. “Yeah. I did.”

“Have you told her yet?” Chanyeol asked. 

“She has a boyfriend,” Jongin reminded him. 

“Oh. Right.”

“I’m working on it,” Minseok said. “I just-” His phone vibrated in his pocket. Pulling it out, his eyes widened at the name popping up on the screen. With sixteen eyes on him, he answered, frantic. “Hello?” A gasp on the other end. “Hello? (y/n)?” You didn’t answer. Two seconds ticked by and you ended the call. He stared at his now black screen in shock. Then his brain started again. “I got to go.”

“Was it her?” Junmyeon asked. 

“Wait, I have more questions!” Baekhyun whined. Minseok was out of the kitchen in a heartbeat, jumping into his car and flying down the road. He didn’t know if you were hurt or in trouble. Why had you called him? Why didn’t you say anything? He was determined to find out. There was only one problem. 

He didn’t know your dorm number. 

You’d briefly mentioned the shared campus housing with your best friend, but that was all the information he had. Looks like he would have to find it the old fashion way. 

Asking. 

As soon as he parked, he headed towards the dorms, thankful at least that the two large housing buildings were close in proximity. He headed for the smaller cafeteria located in the lobby of the first building. The kitchen was closed but there were still students taking advantage of the open seating. Okay. Here it goes. 

The first few groups that Minseok asked had never heard of you. He was starting to berate himself on what a stupid idea this was. He should have called you back and asked you to call him when you were ready because it most certainly would have gone to voicemail. But his luck soon turned around. He approached a group of three girls sitting in a corner. One of them had a camera. 

“Excuse me?” They looked up. Minseok cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, but I’m trying to find (y/n) (l/n)’s room. Do you happen to know her?”

One girl narrowed her eyes. “Why do you want to know?”

Minseok swallowed. “I… I have her notebook. She’d left it behind earlier at study group. She really needs it for class on Monday but I can’t get a hold of her.” Please believe his stupid lie. 

The girl who’d spoken made eye contact with her two friends. “She’s in room twenty-three-nineteen. If she doesn’t answer, just slide the notebook under the door.”

He could almost jump from elated joy. “Thank you!” 

Taking off, he headed for the stairs. Your dorm room was only on the second floor so it didn’t take long to follow the signs until he was right outside your door. Only now did the possibility that your roommate would be the one to answer cross his mind. What lie would he have to come up with then? He had to take the chance. 

After knocking, he waited, shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to release the nervous energy surging through his body. The door swung open. 

It was you. Thank goodness. 

You were not the same level of relieved. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Crap. He probably should have thought of that. “You called me.”

You looked back over your shoulder before stepping out into the hallway, letting the door shut behind you. “So? That doesn’t mean you can just show up here!”

“I need to talk to you.” 

You licked your lips. No, please don’t do that. It’s too tempting already to grab your face and kiss you against the door. Without speaking, you went back into your room. Well, that was a bust. But before he could walk away with slumped shoulders, you came back, this time with shoes on and your bag. “Let’s go.”

He gave no protest as you led him out of the dorm and into the dark. He had no idea where the two of you were headed, but he planned on embracing whatever came his way. The two of you were going to talk. His heart was thumping hard against his sternum. He was getting more alone time with you. Who knew what would end up flying out of his mouth in these next few hours. Would this be the night of truths and revelations?

#exo #exo wolf au #exo wolf!au #minseok x reader #kim minseok #xiumin #exo werewolf au #exo werewolf!au #exo fanfic #exo fanfiction #exo supernatural au #exo series #The Untamed Universe #Catching Rain

[sepublic]

Willow’s Unwanted Fan

While I don’t exactly think the two would be healthy unless after plenty of development... I am imagining Willow VERY hesitantly giving Boscha a chance as just an acquaintance, and... maybe Boscha makes an offhand remark or feels some frustration at Willow, who has it so easy in becoming popular once she applies herself because of how innately talented she is, how lucky she is- And meanwhile Boscha had to work so hard for fame.

Of course, Boscha doesn’t realize what this says about how toxic the coven system is, and how unfair it is because some people ARE blessed better than others; And the idea that people who are less well-off than others only have a lack of effort on their part to blame, is a faulty assumption that she defaults to, to justify cruelty and superiority. In the end, there’s a lot more to success than just hard work, there are plenty of factors that you just can’t control, so maybe a lack of success by others isn’t something you can fault them for...

Maybe Boscha accuses Willow of being ungrateful, of taking for granted the kind of power she has as a popular witch at school, citing some examples -such as herself- of how other kids really struggle to achieve this sort of fame... And Willow needs to recognize that she has a privilege, a luxury that she really needs to take advantage of and make the most of; She’s got a lot of potential, and Boscha just wants to help Willow achieve that!

Kind of like a parallel to how some kids feel pressured by parents and teachers to pursue major accomplishments in academia because of their potential, when really they’re content with the humble goal they normally desire... Perhaps Boscha will try to vicariously live out her lost power, or at least a talent and level of achievement she never had/will have, through Willow- Maybe repeating what her mother tries to do with her, even! And this’d be a particularly horrifying revelation to Boscha, who doesn’t seem to treat her mother with much respect and maybe even sees her as someone to avoid being like...

In addition, maybe Boscha is trying to replace Amity as a friend by having Willow as the powerful witch that Boscha looks up to and emulates... Though in this scenario, Boscha is almost consciously trying to mold Willow into that specific image of what she wants her role model to be, whereas with Amity she was mostly just projecting, and not recognizing Amity’s actual personality. I could see Boscha trying to get petty revenge against Amity, by making Willow so much more popular and cooler than she had ever been, especially since Willow is apparently more talented than the Blight girl,

So just as her mother uses Boscha’s achievement to show up Odalia and her kid, Boscha uses Willow to show up Amity by basically bragging about how her new friend is so much better; How Boscha is GLAD Amity left her, so the Blight girl is no longer holding her down, and Boscha can actually hang out with people who deserve it... And similarly, Amity is missing out on so much potential that Boscha could’ve supported her in reaching (just as Amity left Grudgby), and it’s all her loss!

Boscha finds an unusual resignation in not being the best, so she settles for latching onto the actual best, and making the most of them to spite those she feels ‘didn’t appreciate her enough’. Boscha is basically trying to convert Willow to be more like her, so she can actually live with Willow being better than her, and thus validate her own beliefs in a very roundabout way, by having the ‘best’ (AKA Willow) agree with them!

She can have Willow validate Boscha’s own choices and values in life, by making Willow reach the same ones... And so Boscha can have a role model who she looks up to, but also a friend who basically tells her that what she’s doing is right, and that Boscha isn’t doing anything wrong! Boscha doesn’t want to consider or self-reflect, she just wants someone to look up to, by providing a flattering world-view that isn’t challenging and only confirms what Boscha already believes in.

Regardless, Willow senses some toxicity brewing and she nopes out of there entirely, and/or completely shuts down Boscha’s train of thought. I think Boscha and Willow could have a very interesting dynamic later down the line, especially in regards to how Willow is possibly becoming more popular than Boscha, and having her greater magical strength acknowledged, particularly begrudgingly by Boscha herself... Although I hesitate to say that there’d be an outright positive relationship between the two, much less actual romance.

Goodness, what if Boscha was SO desperate to have some validation of her old role and beliefs, that she just... goads Willow into attacking her, under the satisfaction that if Willow beats her up, then it justifies her hierarchy of stronger witches being above the weaker ones! And even after being defeated, Boscha just trails behind Willow because she’s really accepting any retaliation as self-punishment for not being strong enough; That maybe she becomes SO devoted to the idea of a role model or a leader that she can follow, that she actively revels in being hurt because it’s part of some really sick and twisted concept of ‘suffering builds character’!

What I’m basically saying is, what if Boscha was like Jasper towards Lapis in Alone at Sea, fully accepting of any abuse from Lapis, because Lapis is SO strong that she’s fully justified in thrashing a weaker Jasper, and it gives Jasper some martyrdom satisfaction to serve and provide for someone who’s so much better than her, especially if it means having any taste or association of the kind of power she looks up to! Maybe Boscha just accepts, if not embraces, any retaliation from Willow as proof of her belief that strong witches should be above the weaker ones, etc., thereby validating Boscha’s loss because all IS right in the hierarchy, it just shifted!

Maybe Boscha even enjoys being hurt, because deep down it plays into some possible self-loathing at losing to Willow, while also acknowledging Willow’s victory and strength... And she keeps picking fights with Willow no matter how badly she gets hurt, because Boscha believes that with each battle, she’ll get better and better and maybe one day defeat the Park girl, so any injuries she suffers on the way are totally justifiable if it means getting back on top!

And Willow is in a dilemma where she can’t just smack Boscha away, because she doesn’t want to contribute towards that belief and justify it... She hates Boscha and won’t help her, but generally refuses to take the next step in harming the girl by entrenching her in her own ideas. Maybe we’d have a scene similar to Lapis taking her rage out on the other Lapises and thrashing them, reveling in her power over them; Only to realize that this isn’t strength, it’s just tyranny. And just as Lapis rejects Nice Lapis’ worship by admitting that her own retaliation went too far, maybe Willow does the same to Boscha...

...Of course. Even if Willow doesn’t want to outright harm Boscha, nor does she want to give her any satisfaction by playing by her game and rules; If Boscha were to threaten any of her friends, of course she’d punt Boscha into the stratosphere, no guilt nor hesitation. Because in that kind of situation, it’s just a pragmatic scenario of self-defense, where physical safety is prioritized above any ‘principles’ or ‘points’ that are trying to be made here. And Boscha is just someone Willow is going to have ignore, kick aside, and not waste time nor energy in... That yeah, if Willow hurts Boscha to defend herself, that sucks, especially if it contributes to Boscha’s toxic beliefs; But in the end, Willow’s own comfort is prioritized above all-else, and it’s Boscha engaging with Willow, that makes Willow’s happiness come at the cost of Boscha’s own recovery.

Boscha only has herself to blame for Willow choosing a painful option in that ultimatum, because she’s the one that set it down to begin with- Like when she made her friends choose between Boscha and King-Luz, and not letting them be content with both. Or of course, when Boscha makes the school choose between herself, or Willow... When both can be popular and beloved, this isn’t a pie to divvy up! Willow just might beat up Boscha regardless of whether or not she’s playing into the girl’s point or not, because Willow’s comfort comes before proving Boscha wrong- And it’s this apathetic disregard, that it’s meaningless to Willow whether or not Boscha is vindicated, that she’d rather not be bothered by the problem to begin with... That will show Boscha just how pointless her efforts have been, and how little they mean in the end.

If Boscha sometimes dismisses things or people as being ‘beneath’ her, then she’s about to be on the receiving end by none other than Willow Park herself...! It’s Willow’s out of sight, out of mind principle- Unintentionally playing by the game or not, it’s all inconsequential and interchangeable, it just. Doesn’t. Matter. Willow has more important things to worry about, because Boscha isn’t important, and she’ll do what she needs to do to get Boscha out of the way and out of her hair so she can focus on what Willow REALLY cares about. 

And knowing how little she actually means to some, that she’s not the center of other people’s world like Boscha wanted to believe, that Willow certainly has no place for her that isn’t an afterthought; It would be quite the wake-up call. People have lives beyond Boscha, they don’t need her and thus they aren’t obligated to her; So don’t act like they are, Boscha, and don’t act like you can change this and force them to reciprocate by ‘earning’ that right in a challenge they never agreed to.

#the owl house #toh #the owl house willow #willow park #the owl house boscha #toh willow #toh boscha #speculation #meta

[trad-masculine]

Posture, poise, carriage, *Yawning* & a missing understanding in Western fitness concepts.

While this might seem pedantic, I'll try to keep it from feeling that way.

We conceptualize posture wrong in every single linguistic usage I've seen. It's perhaps a failing of the English language grammatically more than a failure of understanding in the Canon, as I've seen the correct concept described in various places both eastern & western. But never the words themselves accurately modeling the correct understanding of posture.

*Proper posture is the absence of carriage.* The body moves according to itself without an imposed or held sense of correct movement or posture.

Observable poise, the ephemeral elegance of movement found so desired, is likewise an absence of constraint to the body, a liquid form of self embodiment. Poise without poise.

Empty posture is best posture.

*

This concept is far more accessible & vibrant in the eastern physical tradition. Bruce Lee's famous, "be water, my friend." Makes a good example.

[The eastern words also, at least in translation, tend to have these very bizarre anti-concepts throughout. Like Buddhist Anatta or Anatman, no-self. Inspired by this, maybe terms like Anaposture (or Antiposture) are needed.]

*

The correct way to think this through is; your body is a tapastry upon which you put movement. It knows how to live & be, there is no need for you to hold it together. For you to force it to behave, to control it. So, let go of body image.

We were not born to look at ourselves in mirrors, physical or digital.

"Suck in your stomach."

"shoulders back."

"sit up straight."

There are many cues we are told or tell ourselves in the mirror; it's possible some can be helpful in rediscovering the natural state of empty posture. Most aren't. Moreover, putting the cues into your posture is not the correct goal. The correct goal is, literally, catharsis. To empty or rediscover empty posture. To release yourself from holding a posture altogether.

The place in movement to place emphasis is the process of relaxation, not of building tension. The eccentric of the exercise. Controlled lengthening under load. This is where the most muscle building, strength, explosiveness & even tendon injury healing occurs. In the process of lengthening the muscle, relaxation.

Often we flop into a "relaxed" posture. Giving up on the actual process of relaxation before it even truly begins. To move again we must force & pull ourselves together. "Relaxation" synonymous with collapse, proper posture synonymous with pulling a collapsed body together, to maintain the illusion it works as it should.

True Relaxation is a slow & careful process, involving a willingness to enter vulnerability, facing trauma & pain. It's not a letting go exactly, but a gradual releasing of tension. A warm glow of comfort & deeper sense of Being, within one's body. True posture a rediscovering of balance & unity of the body.

*

I don't believe in stretching. I don't mean in the idea of lengthening muscles, of relaxing; but the sensation of pulling on muscles, felt while "stretching." I've never seen an animal do this, or a child do it gladly, except as a demonstration of prideful flexibility. It's not the natural process the body is evolved for, instead I believe in Pandiculation. The *stretching* yawn you might feel in the morning that almost involuntarily sends your arms overhead and contorts & releases your bodies tension along with immense sensation of well being & peace.

Watch a cat get up from a nap, it stretches, or really it pandiculates through several poses, a *ouf* Downward Dog, a *arrgh* sort of Cobra/Upward Facing Dog & a *ahhh* sort of Warrior 3 hind leg extension stretch. In essence, Sun Salutation as an embedded, instinctive physiological & embodied routine.

We too have this same embodied instinct. It starts with a yawn, which is followed by an urge to move in a certain pattern to [realign the muscles of] the body. A posture reset. A process for return to empty posture.

A somatic process of healing.

*

The original Sun Salutation was an encoding of this process. While the normal practice is sure to have some benefit, learning to embody the yawn, to feel the moves innately, is the correct approach. This means abandoning the structure of the poses, & listening to the way your body wants you to move it.

Open yourself to your Antiposture. Following the cue of your body will lead to strange & contorted movements as you first unlock the proper sensation & follow it. Don't force it. Healing in this manner still takes time to progress. Changing the underlying coordination of your body is no trivial feat. It will take successive unwindings & remapping of your brains sense of body to reach an equilibrium of emptiness. Empty posture, Anaposture.

*

With some grasp of the yawn-sensation-movement process, it's very possible to incorporate the process of following sensation within a Yoga, Pilates or other movement routine. Sun Salutation being perhaps the ideal example. When I move this way, it's very loud, with lots of groaning & moaning. It feel *right* in a way that's rather profound. Completely unrepressed movement.

In pursuit of deeper embodiment, this is perhaps the best concept I've ever encountered in terms of value after incorporation. Catching the sensation that impulses movement in tandem with the instinct to move in the process of pandiculation lasts usually only a few seconds, perhaps up to a minute. It can be reignited again after exhalation & a new yawn & breath in, it's intimately woven into breath.

My avatar claims a quote: "Civilize the Mind, Make Savage the Body."

In that sense, this is exactly my conception of a Savage body. A wild body, an animal body. For the body to be in its natural state, ready at a moments notice for action.

*

It's shocking & a frustration to me that most of this understanding I've relayed here is my own concoction. This has never been succinctly depicted is any media of health, wellness, fitness or life. I've collected many, many bits & pieces together to develop this understanding. What I've described is at the very core of mind-body connection. The yawn-sensation-movement process of pandiculation, should be the opening chapter of every fitness book published.

Cats do this when they begin to move. So do children when they wake up, before life Traumatizes them into physical confusion. We know what a yawn is, & the feeling that follows it, of relaxation & some vague anxiety prodding us to move. Well, this is what that anxious prodding is about; to move such that your body recalibrates itself.

Yet this is never properly communicated or described in any physical manual I've read.

The closest I've seen is in Thomas Hanna's book Somatics, & the subsequent derivitive works. They, (the field of Somatics) approach the subsystem of engage-relax that at least memics part of the real thing of Yawn - Sensation - Movement - Relaxation - Exhalation. They get the cues of movement - relaxation - breathing close to right. They also correctly understand what they are memicing is related to what movements the cat does.

But the broader concept of empty posture, or coordinating a yawn with sensation into movement is missing entirely, from what I can tell.

*

The entire concept space is alien, & its at the absolute core of being human, having a body & caring for that body.

Yet this is something with almost a taboo around it. The yawn is completely divorced from the movement pattern that naturally issues from it. It shouldn't be. Don't let it be. Become your yawn when it comes to you.

Embody your breath.

#Fitness #Weightlifting #Healing #Health #Somatics #Thomas Hanna #Workout #Fitblr #masculine #masculinity #feminine #femininity #Breath #Yoga #yogapractice #posture #body posititivity

[millennial-star-gazer]

Tantric Flames: Chapter: 9

Tantric Flames

Nalu lovefest 2019 Prompts: Magic, Worship, Reckless , Forbidden and Cravings (All Implied)

Genres: Romance, Humor, New Adult Fanfiction

Pairing:Nalu (Natsu x Lucy)

Rating: M for language, steamy and mature adult sexual content (all consensual) in these and future chapters. Reader Direction is advised.(You've been warned!)

Summary: One look, one smouldering hooded gaze, one word, one fiery kiss, one magnetizing touch was all he needed for her to completely unravel at his mercy alone, succumbing to the sinful temptation of her inhibitions, his love, his feral passion, his raw, insatiable desires, his "Tantric Flames". Originally an Submission for Nalulovefest 2017 (on previous accounts) in which Natsu gives his mate a tantric massage-after much persuasion- she won't soon forget when it turns into so much more. Also previously featured in Nalu lovefest 2018 (on current accounts) , as well as Nalu Week 2017, Nalu Fluff Week and Nalu lovefest 2017 (as stated) with first three chapters on my previous celestialgeekmage accounts . Chapter 7 was also an entry for nalu week 2019 and Chapter 8 for Nalu Lovefest 2019. ( Nalu-centric) (Slight Au).

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Chapter 9: Tempted by A Tantric Touch

A/N: Hey guys, it's your girl Millennial StarGazer! This time I'm returning with another long-awaited installment of Tantric Flames. Once again, a major thanks to and koodos to @bmarvels, @mannyegb, @animezing-fandoms/princess-starry-night, and @allie-and-her-fandoms for helping me edit and further develop this chapter! Now without further ado, here's the story-enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Fairytail which belongs to the one and only Hiro-sensei instead!

(Note: Scroll down pas the keep reading button/ cut for the designated links, legend and actual chapter.  The tagging feature and keep reading button might not show up or fully work on the desktop site but should function just fine on the app and mobile version.

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Legend:

Italic: Song Lyrics/Quotes (or flashback dialogue)

Bold: First Person Thoughts

Bolded Italics: Empathized Word(s)

Bolded Italics (Within and Outside Bracket) including for author's side notes also known as (A/N:) within brackets (though none for side-notes in this chapter ).

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"You run your fingers over every part of my body and tease me with your touch".

(Source Unknown)

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Oh God, those love bites. So many love bites that decorated the blonde's creamy skin like jewels; far too numerous to count that always sent a red-hot line fire rippling through her nerves with with every nip, every suck; each every and stroke of Natsu's velvet tongue. Plus, he's usually doing other things at the same time. Racy images of the couple's steamy moments together from the last soak flooded Lucy's mind.

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Flashback

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The celestial mage's back arching of its own accord into Natsu's touch from robust hands cupping her breast; Blazing digits kneading the twin peaks in time with lips sucking along Lucy's pulse with so much skill that she couldn't help the heady moan that escaped her throat.

"Ya feel that, Luce?" Nastu growled in his princess's ear, the dark undercurrent of his territorial voice pulling a tingly shiver from her. "My marks all over that perfect body of yours— and not just the permanent one when you swore your heart to me . All of those are symbols of my essence, my claim, my love. That you belong to me and me alone. My mate and queen, forever and always. And those sounds you're makin'? Hot as hell."

Pretty sure, dude leaves marks on me as his way of announcing to the world I'm off limits as his mate. Explains why he's always quick to leave a fresh one in its place even after I cover them— not that I'm complaining. Plus, it's not only for his benefit but mine. It's great that he knows how much I love receiving hickeys and gets off from it.

Seriously, what more could I ask for?

Not to mention how lovely it always was to unwind with Natsu after each bath. The wizard was often keen in his offer to dry the blonde's damp hair with a towel or fire-magic-powered steam; from her perch on his lap or between his legs. 

Much more relaxing than using a hair dryer if you ask me.

 The dragonslayer would sometimes even hum or sing a familiar tune from days past in that appealing, gravelly baritone of his; would usually lull the already-zen mage into the world of dreams when combined with the sooth dual sensation of fingers combing through her hair, .

"I tell you, I tell you, the dragonborn comes ..."

Anyother guild member who might be eavesdropping, however, would often be quick to lightheartedly goad the blonde mage ( much to her chargin). Natsu no doubt would find this hilarious of course; which would serve for Lucy's cheeks to flush an even deeper shade of crimson than she already was.

"Say Luce, is that a blush I see?" he once crooned, a teasing edge to his words; though the affectionate mirth sparkling in his eyes warmed her heart just a little. "Aw, is my girl a little embarrassed? That's okay though— makes ya all the more adorable and endearing than you already are. You want me to make it all better? Cuz I can! Got plenty of kisses! Come on, you know you want some which I'm more than happy to give. God I love ya' so much, you know that?"

It's amazing really... Lucy ruminated in fond awe. How Natsu can switch between the different roles and sides to him with relative ease. From Romantic and tender to dominant, playful and affectionate; then back again on top of everything else all seemingly at the drop of a hat. All an innate part of his overall nature I guess— essentially what makes up who he is. Some people may find this a bit confusing to keep up with— but I don't. Just makes him all the more complex.

Though those people would also be right when they say that the dude still has a devious streak, she couldn't help but add with wry smirk. Even with me, though never with malicious intent. German suplex, non-stop tickling, dumping me in a tub of freezing cold water during one of our baths— too many pranks to count really. At least he's always quick to follow up with plenty of affection ever since we became an item— can't complain about that."

"You ready to get started Lucy?" Natsu's keen voice broke through Lucy's reverie.

"You know it!" The celestial mage chirped, unable to mask the pure enthusiasm in her voice; earning an amused chuckle from the dragon wizard . "Can't wait. I take it you'll be hoarding me for the rest of the afternoon?"

"Mhmm" Came his content hum in response." That really a bad thing, though?"

"No, definitely not."

"I figured. Why don't we get you up on that massage bed?"

"Sure thing!"

A buzz of anticipation was practically thrumming in Lucy's blood from such tantalizing implications of his words; the stunt Natsu pulled next , though— that was what really shot a thrilling jolt up her spine.

"Let's finish what we started later, yeah?"

The dragonslayer's proposal was punctuated by a light tap on the summoner's ass for good measure,; which resulted in a delighted squeal.

"O-okay!" was said female's response in the form of a breathy giggle.

"Let me get you that towel while I'm at it."

"Sure— thanks."

"My pleasure."

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A Few Minutes Later

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"Ugh...do me a huge favor and burn this towel. Will ya?"

Lucy couldn't help but let out an audible groan along with the heat rising in her cheeks. Good god was the particularly moist spot on the white towel a truly mortifying sight to behold. Basically tell-tale remnants of liquid arousal that had been wiped clean from her legs just moments before.

Mavis only knows what would happen if Levy or Cana noticed during laundry duty.

" Okay... why though?" Natsu questioned, brows drawing together in mild confusion. "As in why do you want me to?"

"Guild Laundry day" came Lucy's automatic reply."That's why."

"Not following ya.' Natsu blinked owlishly in uncomprehension.

"Levy…..and Cana….." Lucy supplied, a finger twirling an errant strand of blonde hair in :a self-conscious display." "I... uh.."

"Still don't know what you mean here, Luce."

"It's their turn to do laundry duty." She attempted to break down what was apparently such an abstract concept into simpler terms; not able to help the aggravation rising in the back of her mind.

"Yeah? So?"

"They'll probably see the moist stain on the towel." Lucy clarified, forcing her voice to remain level.

"I see— don't see the problem though."

"Think about who'll most likely be with them ."

"Gajeel and Laxus but…...ahh—"

Realization dawned on Natsu's face. "I get it now. What you're saying is that they'll probably catch a whiff of your arousal? "

"Well, the lingering remnants of the scent anyway. Seriously though?" he tacked on, lifting a questioning brow."That's what you're worried about?"

"Yeah... I am," Lucy admitted, nerves leaking into her voice. "Aren't you?"

"Not really, no." Natsu gave a shrug of his shoulders—seemingly unfazed.

"Why's that?" Lucy couldn't help but shoot him a puzzled glance. 

"Cuz it'll show everyone how much I rocked your world." Natsu replied, flashing his mate a cheeky grin. " And what's not to love about that?"

"Pervert — of course you'd say that!" Lucy screeched, skin flushing a deep shade of crimson.

"That's me!"

"Ugh, still don't know what to do about the moist spot— those four are never gonna let me live it down."

"You know if you're that worried, I could always use my tongue to clean ya up instead." Natsu drawled with a lazy smirk that set her heart all pit-patter .

"And of course, you'd suggest that," Lucy quipped with a slight roll of her eyes. "Did I mention how much of a horn dragon you are? "

"Yeah, but only for a certain gorgeous blonde of mine and she loves it."

"Oh, she does, huh?" Lucy raised a challenging brow.

"Yep. Don't bother trying to deny it, Luce".

"Ugh fine... you're right. I do. Seriously, you and your colossal ego though."

"Why, thank you! If you're impressed by that, you'd really should see my co—"

The rest of Natsu's words were cut off by Lucy's hand swatting him with a pillow which was met with a snicker.

"Pervert" Lucy deadpanned with another eye roll. "By way, you would've found yourself in the proverbial dog house if you actually meant the other kind of 'fighting earlier."

Only for Natsu's face to instantly fall in response to her statement.

"What?" Natsu objected, gaping at her with wide eyes. " And deprive me of the chance to wake up to your beautiful face each morning for that long?!"

"Yep." Lucy gave a nod by way of reply.

"But why? You know that's not the type of fightin' I met!"

"Well yeah, I know that now. But not earlier when you originally brought up. Just be glad that you didn't bail on our date earlier."

"I didn't though! And never would— honest Luce!" Natsu's voice lifted into a petulant whine.

"Hmm.. Okay, good to know. " Lucy responded, raising her hands to placate him. "Though you'll have to be without me for a few days anyway.

"Wait, seriously?" Natsu faltered , bewildered panic flashing in his eyes. . "Come on! What is it this time?"

"Camping retreat in the woods next week that Cana, Mira, Lisanna, and Erza are organizing— ladies only."

"W-ha?" Natsu continued to sputter, his poor brain no doubt short circuiting by now." But Elfman said that it was open to anyone who's free to go!"

"Really? Lucy mused in thoughtful interest. "That's not what I heard... huh."

"What am I supposed to do without you?"

"How about something fun with the guys? Should be nice, right?"

"Yeah, but so is spending time with you Lucy! It's always more fun when we're together like you said."

"And I don't disagree. Doesn't change anything though. The trip's still happening."

"Didn't say it wasn't but it'd still suck here without you! Natsu moaned, that desperate sense of longing bleeding into his voice. " I'd miss ya' too much! So would our little buddy! Can't we tag along? Maybe Even share an air mattress in a decent-sized tent? I'd gladly help set up and keep you cozy in my arms at night."

"What about Happy?" Lucy questioned, intrigued by his suggestion. His offer does sound really tempting.

"Obviously he'd share the tent with us but would have his own sleeping bag and could hang with Wendy and Carla whenever we wanted alone time. Plus there are all these cool spots I could take you to on nature hikes!."

"Sounds great."

"Course it is! So whaddya say? You onboard?" Natsu wheedled, flashing her what could only be described as the most flawless puppy eyes she'd ever seen.

"Aw that's really tempting and" Lucy gushed, heart contracting at the adorable pout he was throwing in too. Normally I'd say yes"— but it'll have to wait. Thank you though! I'd love to take you up on that offer another day."

"Oh come on— please I wanna go!" Natsu huffed,stamping his foot as if he were a child pitching a fit over being denied a coveted toy- quite an amusing display to say the least.

"Not this time I'm afraid. Sorry, them's the brakes."

"Lucyyyyyyyyy!" Natsu whined again, dragging the syllables of her name with such melodrama that she finally decided to let him off the hook

" Jeez.. enough with the dramatics already. " Lucy yielded with an exasperated groan, You can still come— the trip is for everyone. I was only kidding after all."

Said confession was met with a noise of stunned dimsay from from the pyro.

"Wait... so ya' mean to tell me that this was a joke?! he muttered, voice coming out with a small pinch of disbelief. "You were pulling my leg the entire time?"

"Yep— consider it payback for me making think you were gonna ditch earlier."

"That's why? That's not nice, Luce— not very nice at all." Natsu grumbled, though not with any real heat.

"Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it?" Lucy baited, a daring lilt to her words.

" Oh —- wouldn't you like to know?" Natsu rumbled, eyes sparking in a such a calculating way that it sent a electrifying chill down Lucy's spine.

"I would— ngh! Nastuuuu!"

The rest of what Lucy was attempting to say Lucy's words were cut off by the lighting- fast sweep of Natsu's velvet tongue up her thighs . Not to mention that electric high-voltage jolt of ecstasy flooding her veins.

"There! that should show ya!" Natsu let out a cackle of glee. " Not to ever play dirty tricks on a dragon I mean. Guess you're not gonna need that towel after all, huh Lucy?"

"My God..."

"Yeah, I know . Just that amazing with my tongue, I guess. Natsu purred, voice laced with am indecorous promise "Plus, hearing ya' scream my name like that just gave me another hard-on that I'd love for you to see .. "

"Jeez … of course it'd would . and no real shocker that you would say something like that."

"Yep- you know me so well, Luce. and it's not like you're complain' anyway. Want me to prove it?"

" Maybe.. But God- you're such a pompous ass, you know that?"

"Yeah but all part of my charm, sweetheart."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: And that's Chapter 9 folks! My apologies for the delay by the way! I originally wanted to post this much sooner but got hit with writer's block after getting a somewhat stumped on a particular segment of this chapter. I've also been with my other ongoing fanfics, WIPs and responsibilities among other things in my life . That all aside, at least this chapter was finally posted! Now please feel free to do me a solid and let me know what you think by leaving a comment/ review! Stay tuned for Chapter 10 too! Oh and please feel free to check out the rest of my writing which can be found above, on my profiles and in master post if reading this on tumblr. All right, that's pretty much all I have to say for now! Thanks to all my mutuals/friends, readers and followers for their continuous support over the years! (Corresponding links for the master of my writing and profiles can be found above, in the navigation bar of the desktop and bio if reading this on tumblr.) Until next time-take care!

#fairytail #ft fanfics #nalu #endlu #natsu x lucy #e.n.d natsu x lucy #tantric flames #my writing #millennial star gazer writes #millennial stargazer #please reblog

[whumpity--whump--whump]

Psychology in Whump: Conditioning

OKAY, some of y’all know nothing about conditioning, so I’m gonna clear some things up. Don’t feel bad, these are common mistakes. I’m basing this off of everything I learned in AP Psychology, so I know what I’m talking about more than the average person. If you ever have a psychology question, you can always send an ask and I’ll be more than glad to answer.

Classical Conditioning

Ever heard of Pavlov? This is what he did. Essentially, this is call and response.

There are four things: Unconditioned Response, Conditioned Response, Unconditioned Stimuli, and Conditioned Stimuli.

Let’s use Pavlov to explain this. Pavlov was a doctor doing experiments on dog salivation and accidentally made a huge psychological discovery. Essentially, he would ring a bell every time he was bringing food to the dogs. Over time, the dogs would salivate when the bell rang, even if there was no food.

The Unconditioned Stimuli was the food, and the Unconditioned Response was salivation in the presence of food. Dogs do not have to be trained to salivate when there’s food. That is an innate biological response.

The Conditioned Stimuli was the bell, and the Conditioned Response was salivation upon hearing the bell. Dogs don’t normally salivate when they hear bells; Pavlov’s dogs were conditioned to.

Classical conditioning works when Unconditioned are combined with the Conditioned. Over time, Pavlov’s dogs connected bells with food. They knew a bell ringing would mean food. So their salivary glands would jump the gun on salivation, and they’d salivate no matter what.

Classical conditioning can easily happen by accident, as was the case with Pavlov. It can also be done on purpose. To give a whumpy example, perhaps a whumper classically conditions the whumpee. The Unconditioned Stimuli could be whipping. The Unconditioned Response could be fear, panic, crying, begging, something along those lines. The Conditioned Stimuli could be AC/DC music that the whumper had on speakers while whipping the whumpee. The Conditioned Response could be being scared/panicking/crying/begging/etc when the whumpee hears AC/DC. Perhaps it was accidental on the whumper’s part, or perhaps it was intentional. Either way, upon learning this, I’m sure the whumper would enjoy turning on “Thunderstruck” and listen to the whumpee beg even though the whip is nowhere in sight. 

Classical conditioning can be broken, as can any form of conditioning. That means a whumper has to alternate between whipping and not whipping when AC/DC is on. If they go to long without the whip, it can dampen the conditioning. With some exposure therapy, a caretaker can also help the whumpee listen to AC/DC again. If a caretaker exposes the whumpee to AC/DC multiple times and no pain is involved, then eventually the conditioning will dampen or be gone entirely.

Depending on multiple factors, some things can be deconditioned faster than others. Pain is a big factor. I’ve classically conditioned myself to dilate my eyes when I hear my ringtone once for my psych class, but it lasted fifteen minutes. Because it wasn’t life threatening and no pain was involved. Your brain will latch onto things related to pain. So anything the whumper does will have a long lasting effect on the whumpee. Time is also huge. If the whumper has only whipped with AC/DC a couple of times before, the whumpee will be conditioned, but it will break fast. So a caretaker wants to rescue the whumpee fast to make deconditioning as fast as possible.

Actually, for another prompt, Pavlov’s experiment could work for a pet whumpee. Then there’s even more comparisons between them and a dog.

Classical conditioning, generally, is harmless, or even helpful. At most, generally, irrational (for example, dog bites you for once and now you’re scared of dogs). But usually it’s little things that don’t matter all that much (flinching when someone pretends to throw something at you) or helpful (fear of strangers). But give a whumper classical conditioning, and your whumpee is in for a bad time.

Operant Conditioning

“Michelle, I already know about positive and negative reinforcement!”

“Great, can you tell me about it?”

“Positive reinforcement is giving a reward for a behavior, and negative reinforcement is a punishment.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

THAT IS NOT WHAT NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT IS.

Repeat it after me.

Negative reinforcement is not punishment!

There are in fact four things involved in operant conditioning: positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment.

Reinforcement is meant to increase a behavior.

Punishment is meant to decrease a behavior. 

Positive means it is adding something.

Negative means it is taking away something.

Positive Reinforcement is when you give something to increase behavior. This is often called the “carrot.” Letting a whumpee sleep with a blanket when they are good is positive reinforcement. The whumpee is more likely to be good for the whumper and not defiant because they were rewarded for their compliance. Or it could be caretaker giving praise to the whumpee when they are recovering and don’t call caretaker “Master.” The whumpee is more likely to call the caretaker by their name than “Master” now that they’ve been praised for it. 

Negative Reinforcement is when you take something away to increase a behavior. This could be a caretaker giving whumpee ibuprofen for a headache. Taking ibuprofen takes away the pain, which makes the whumpee more likely to take ibuprofen for headaches in the future. A whumper taking away the whumpee’s mobility via restraints will make the whumpee stay where they need to be. In the future the whumpee will stay even when not restrained.

Positive Punishment is giving something to decrease behavior. This is the “stick.” Your average whump is positive punishment. Whumper beats whumpee for not being good? Positive punishment. A caretaker can also practice this theoretically (I’ll talk about healthy conditioning later). Caretaker could give whumpee a stern talking to for acting out. They’d have to be extremely careful though, and I’ll talk about that in a moment. 

Negative Punishment is taking away something to decrease behavior. The whumper can take away the whumpee’s shoes to decrease their behavior of trying to go outside. The caretaker can take away the whumpee’s collar to decrease any behaviors associated with being a pet. 

Some of these can be kind of two at once. For example, the caretaker taking away the whumpee’s collar so they don’t act like a pet is negative punishment. If you rephrase it to say the collar is taken so the whumpee acts more like a person, that is now negative reinforcement. The action of removing the whumpee’s collar is both negative punishment and negative reinforcement, it just depends on how you look at it.

Conditioning isn’t inherently bad. Everything in existence has the potential to be good and the potential to be evil, it just depends on how we use it. Conditioning can be very good, very bad, or not affect anything. It all depends on how it is being used. There is healthy conditioning that is very good. Through too much or too little operant conditioning, you can have serious psychological problems. For any of you guys that have kids you take care of in your life, a good mix of these four is healthy when done right! Generally you should do more reinforcement than punishment when possible because it helps with motivation (which is a long rabbit hole we won’t go down today), but punishment isn’t necessarily bad. I’ve given both good and bad examples of all four types of operant conditioning. Whether it’s good or bad depends on the person.

I can go into greater detail on all four for both the whumper and the caretaker, but I think most of it you’ll have down now. I’ll delve into positive punishment by the caretaker to demonstrate this specific problem the caretaker might run into. While this does include the whumper’s beatings and torture, positive punishment isn’t necessarily physical. With children, typically adding chores or lecturing is good. Not necessarily with a whumpee if you want the whumpee to recover (though, I suppose you could make the caretaker terrible at their job and accidently punish the whumpee in unhealthy ways for more whump). If a whumpee was a slave and forced to clean, the caretaker shouldn’t make cleaning a punishment. It will positively reinforce the behaviors the whumper wanted, which is not good. If the whumpee was “lectured” to (way more maliciously than a typical parent would), lecturing would be a terrible idea because it also would reinforce the whumper’s desired behaviors from the whumpee. The caretaker has to be extremely careful with all four methods. They have to be careful to not reinforce the whumper’s desired behaviors and punish the undesired ones. Which can be really hard if the whumpee hasn’t told the caretaker what happened (HINT HINT this could be some good whump HINT HINT). The caretaker can also do mini physical positive punishments, like in @deluxewhump ‘s Max and Pet series when Max hits Carlo with a rubber band. ONLY IF THE WHUMPEE FEELS THEY NEED SOME SORT OF PHYSICAL POSITIVE PUNISHMENT. If the whumpee doesn’t want anything to do with being hurt, do not do this, this is what the whumper would do. This only really works with small things like rubber bands or else it is too painful and that is especially problematic for all involved. Physical positive punishment done by the caretaker is not ideal, but can be helpful in the early stages of recovery with some whumpees.

As for deconditioning, studies have shown that if after every time a person does the behavior, they get the consequence, they decondition faster than if it’s every few times. Which might be good for the whumpee! Most whumpers I’ve seen are pretty consistent about always punishing or reinforcing the whumpee! Though, if you get a psychologist whumper...that can suck for the whumpee. I can go into more detail later on this since this kind of gets tricky. Look up operant conditioning schedules if you don’t want to ask.

Social Conditioning

I’m not going into a lot of detail because if I do I’m going to go into social psychology and that’s its own field and we don’t have time for that. 

Basically, we act like people around us. This dives into conformity and roles and whatnot. We’re all socially conditioned. This especially effects kids. They watch adults do things and imitate the adults. That’s why kids know you are supposed to hold your phone up to your ears and talk. This is why people don’t want kids watching rated R movies because studies have shown that when kids watch violence they are more likely to be violent, especially the younger they are, and no one wants a ridiculously violent five year old. I can name a famous experiment for this, Bandura’s bobo doll experiment, where kids watched adults beat up a bobo doll and then proceeded to do the same. 

This can be used in whump for whumpees raised in slavery because they’re socially conditioned to act like a slave. And it would be so hard to break that conditioning. If you have ever moved to a country with a vastly different culture you’d know how hard it is to break social conditioning.

Now That You Have That…

Go and write conditioning correctly. Seriously. Psych nerds hate hearing the “negative reinforcement is punishment” thing. Seriously, please don’t. And please reblog so people will see this so that more people in the whump community will learn this.

If you ever have questions concerning psychology, send me an ask, I’ll be more than glad to help! I love psychology! This can go for disorders, therapy, social psych, learning/conditioning, memory, motivation, health, development, etc. If I don’t know the answer, I can look it up, or give you good sources to look into.

For anyone interested, I recommend taking psychology classes. If you’re in high school I recommend AP Psychology, and I don’t know anything about college psych classes, but I’m sure there are good ones. It will help you in your day to day life and help you write whump. Plus it’s fascinating. 

#whump #whump help #psychology #conditioning #writing tips #operant conditioning #classical conditioning #social conditioning #seriously send me an ask if you have psych questions #i'd be more than happy to help #but y'all better do conditioning right now #didnt type all of this for nothing #seriously i will write more on psych #send me asks #i'll even tag you if you want to see these #just...please #and check out my whump stories if you want

[beca-mitchell]

bechloe/law and order svu AU

not quite, but here’s an incomplete au that i was working on and idk if it’ll ever be finished because there are bad memories associated w/ it.

lawyers on lawyers

word count: 1k+

Rated M/E

“Counsel, your closing argument?”

Beca glances up, swallowing heavily when she realizes the judge is speaking to her. She can feel Chloe’s smirk boring into the side of her head. Comparable to the very real sensation of Chloe’s smirk against her inner thigh just a few hours earlier.

Conscious of her appearance suddenly, Beca quickly adjusts her collar and stands, smoothing down the wrinkles on the back of her skirt.

Chloe stifles a smile and quickly looks down at her notepad. Beca’s taste still lingers on her tongue.

Beca catches her gaze. Chloe tries not to make it obvious, but well-

Her tongue sweeps across her lower lip slowly.

She absolutely knows what she’s doing.

The ensuing way Beca stumbles is both hilarious and adorable.

– – – – – – – – –

“Counsel, do you need to consult your notes again?” 

The judge looks amused if anything, like she’s so used to seeing corporate lawyers mucking it up in her court. It’s true that Beca’s firm rarely allows such junior associates to litigate, but she was chosen to perform at such a high level based on a reputation that she had cultivated by herself.

It’s infuriating that Chloe Beale gets to sit just one table down and lick her lips at her, like that’s enough to send Beca spiralling. 

(It is.)

– – – – – – – – –

Beca is furious. Chloe and her stupid smirk and stupid tongue.

She had fumbles twice and almost missed two of her argumentative points.

“You,” she hisses when she catches Chloe outside the courthouse building.

Chloe is about to get into a cab. She rolls her eyes. “Get in.”

Beca makes sure her frown is in place the entire ride over.

She stares hard at the Manhattan skyline as they ride uptown.

She ignores Chloe’s hand near her thigh; ignores the heat emanating from Chloe’s skin just beyond the fabric of her skirt.

– – – – – – – – –

There is something entirely satisfying about Chloe’s come on her lips and Chloe’s lips wrapped around her fingers.

Driving her fingers into Chloe as firmly as she dares.

Chloe’s moans echoing loud and high all around her warm UES apartment.

It was driving Beca crazy, the sensation of how wet Chloe was paired with how loud Chloe was being.

Purposefully, she had been sure.

So she slides her right hand up from where she had been slowly applying the barest hint of pressure to Chloe’s clit - up - up between Chloe’s breasts, up the column of Chloe’s throat–

Fingers on Chloe’s mouth. 

It means Chloe can’t rile her up verbally, but it’s not like she can’t find other ways, like sucking her fingers right into her mouth, tasting the hint of herself on Beca’s fingers.

Chloe moans long and low around her fingers. Her other hand is still occupied between Chloe’s legs. Beca nips her collarbone sharply.

It’s unfair how attractive Chloe is, even flushed and sweaty and writhing under Beca’s body.

– – – – – – – – –

Actually, what’s more unfair is the way Chloe looks when she’s hovering above her, promise written across her face.

“My turn,” she says, somehow making two words drip with lust and desire. It’s a blessing and a curse.

“Right,” Beca says breathlessly. “Equal rights and all.”

Chloe looks like she might slap her. Maybe Beca wouldn’t mind. Instead, she leans down and nips at Beca’s lower lip in both warning and want. “Shut up,” she breathes against Beca’s mouth, instantly making the wetness between Beca’s legs intensify.

“Okay,” is all Beca can say, choking on her own breath when Chloe’s lips descend down her neck.

– – – – – – – – –

Chloe stretches, sighing contentedly once Beca finally and weakly pushes her head away from between her legs.

It wasn’t that Beca expected this - she had completely and totally gotten into Chloe’s taxi to reprimand her harshly. Chloe Beale and her little tricks-

Then it kind of spiralled from there.

“No more,” Beca grunts out, rubbing a hand over her face tiredly. Her hair is in knots and her body aches, the sensation blooming from her core.

She peeks an eye open to glance down at Chloe who has rolled onto her side. She smiles at Beca, tracing her tongue over her glistening lower lip. “You taste good,” she says innocently, like she’s telling Beca they should order take out.

Maybe one more, Beca thinks, as she sits up, reaching for Chloe again.

– – – – – – – – –

Beca first met Chloe in law school. She’s not entirely sure that Chloe remembers her because Chloe was a 3L and Beca was a lowly 1L.

And they hadn’t even attended the same school.

But it had been a BigLaw networking event and Beca had been transfixed by the way Chloe seemed to glow. She radiated confidence and walked around the room like she knew she’d be a Partner there one day. Beca actually thought she was an attorney at first, with how confident Chloe was. A full-fledged attorney with a grown-up job, hell-bent on making Beca’s life more difficult.

Then Chloe, of course, had introduced herself to Beca.

Beca tries to remember everything her father taught her – shoulders back, chin up. Don’t let them know you’re afraid. Everything a good lawyer needed to do and say.

She tries because it’s pointless the moment Chloe’s smooth hand slides into hers and she’s shaking hands with one of the most beautiful women she’s ever encountered.

“Hi, I’m Chloe Beale. I attend Yale.”

“Uh. Beca. Mitchell.” She hated the stammer in her voice. Chloe’s smile only seemed to grow from minuscule to small. Beca quickly shrugged in an attempt to reset herself. “Columbia.” 

“Ah,” Chloe said. Beca kind of hated her then. The nonchalance and the ease. “I love New York,” Chloe had said wistfully.

Something in Chloe’s eyes seemed to shine in a completely captivating way. Beca suddenly found herself wanting to know everything about Chloe Beale – what made her tick, what made her cry, what made her laugh – but the larger part of her just wanted to run away. She was good at that, at leaset.

“Are you looking for a job here?” Beca finally managed to say – the first thing that came to mind. “When you graduate.” She gestured around at the firm’s shiny floors and ceiling to floor windows. The associates that had been milling about. It was a nice event, all things considered.

Chloe smiled again, a little more strained than before. “I’m sure that would be nice. I was a summer associate. I’m more inclined towards public interest work, however.”

Of course she is, Beca had thought. Because she’s too perfect. Gentle and beautiful and fragile with no hard edges to defend herself.

Then, all Beca could think about was how the world might try to break Chloe, but even then, Beca could tell that there had been something else innate about Chloe – more than initially was apparent. 

She wanted to know what it was. She wants to know what it is.

fin.

#bechloe #fanfiction #my fanfic #beca mitchell #chloe beale #pitch perfect #mine #Anonymous #ask

[hawthornewhisperer]

okay! i'm SUPER curious on your thoughts about the more controversial aspects of yen's fertility and the ableism. i've seen so many people who HATE yen talk about it, so obviously i don't trust their judgement. but i know you love her, so i feel like your take will be genuine. that is if you feel comfortable sharing!

Sure thing! But I want to include a disclaimer first: the ableism storyline in particular is not something I have personal experience with, so while I will do my best to express my own personal issues with the way it was handled, my thoughts are in no way a replacement for the thoughts of actual people with disabilities, whose voices should be considered with far, far more weight than mine.

Another disclaimer: I’ve only ever seen the show, so I have no idea what is show-only and what is also drawing from the books. (It’s my understanding her backstory was majorly beefed up for the show, but that’s the full extent of my knowledge.)

(this got long so it’s below the cut. TW for infertility and ableism).

We’ll start with Yen’s infertility plotline.  Early on, she sacrifices her uterus as part of her transformation, although now that I’m thinking about it I’m a little unclear about what she got in exchange-- was it “beauty” or “the ability to not age” or “more magical power”? It doesn’t really matter, though, because basically we had a woman giving up her ability to be a mother (via pregnancy and childbirth) in exchange for power, which is unfortunately a very old, very misogynistic trope. It plays into the idea that women can either be mothers *or* they can be powerful, and also that powerful women are somehow unfit to be mothers. None of that is good, quite frankly, but I will say the fact that Geralt is *also* infertile (and the reason he gives for it on the dragon hunt) does help mitigate that a little bit. It also implies that pregnancy and childbirth is the *only* way to become a mother, although it seems the show is aiming to undercut that so I’ll reserve judgment on that front for now.

Then, somewhere around the incident with the djinn, she decides she wants her uterus back. I was super thrown when Jaskier said she was painting an *amphora* on her abdomen, as to me that was pretty clearly a uterus/fallopian tubes/ovaries-- which does admittedly look like a double handled amphora-- and even after having watched the episode twice I’m not sure if he’s supposed to be mistaken or if I am. I went into the show having heard there was a bit of a yikesy infertility plotline, so that definitely colored my impressions. But now that I think about it, I don’t know if her uterus/lack thereof is actually discussed in that episode? She is more interested in the general concept of *power* and is clearly searching for a new meaning for her life, but I’d definitely buy that her desire for a baby isn’t fully articulated until they go on the dragon hunt.

A lot of the critiques I’ve seen of her storyline revolve around the fact that her change of heart comes out of nowhere, and honestly, it sort of does. We have no hint in the first four episodes that Yennefer has particularly strong feelings about children, childbearing, or motherhood. (Full disclosure: I had to fast forward through almost all the scenes with the baby in episode 4 because children in peril, especially babies, is something I just Cannot Handle in my escapist media. Quite possible I missed something there). So in episode six when Yennefer is suddenly desperate for a cure for her infertility, it strikes a lot of people as another echo of an old misogynistic trope: that women who decided not to have children will *always* regret it, and moreover, they must be punished for their choices.

And honestly? I can definitely see why people read it that way and are upset, because our culture tends to be very reductive and paternalistic about women’s choices around their fertility. I have *lots* of cisgender female friends who have never, ever wanted kids and have been told over and over again that they’ll “change their minds” or will one day regret their choice when it’s too late. And that’s super, super shitty, and I get being annoyed when a show seems to play into that exact narrative.

Now, *for me* (a woman who fairly recently gave birth to a daughter, who definitely wanted a child), what saved the entire storyline was the post-coital conversation where Yen admits she just wants to be important to someone. Yennefer is intensely lonely, and she’s never truly belonged to anything resembling a family. I can buy that after several decades alone, she’s sick of it. And I can also buy that she’d think a baby would be a perfect solution, as babies *do* love you unconditionally and goddamn it’s the best thing in the world (to me), and Yennefer has always struggled with people not thinking she’s enough. I see how attractive that solution (trust me, babies think their parents are the *entire world*) would be to a lonely, loner woman, and I like that it gives her a space to acknowledge her feelings have changed over time. Her journey is about finding a *family* and I read her infertility plotline as a first step to Yennefer eventually finding a family in a way she never expected, and so for me, it ultimately worked. But I also get why it didn’t work for others!

Okay, now the ableism storyline, which is a lot trickier for me to parse. Basically, she undergoes an incredibly painful physical transformation to be more conventionally beautiful, which implies there was something wrong with her before or that there’s something innately *lesser* about having a physical disability.  It’s presented as essentially par for the course for all mages to go through an “attaining physical perfection” process (Sabrina’s boobs get bigger, right? I’m not imagining that?) but Yennefer wasn’t just making her tits bigger.  And when it comes to people with disabilities, this is basically saying “your life would be more worthwhile and you would be more desirable if you were able-bodied,” which is a profoundly ableist way of thinking.  It also draws on the “magical cure for disabilities” trope, which I know a *lot* of people with disabilities have spent a lot of time deconstructing exactly how and why that’s painful for them. But for me, it’s enough to know that trope is painful for others, and therefore it’s best to be avoided. (I do think we still need to make space for people with disabilities to invert/twist/deconstruct/use this trope in their own art, but that’s a whole different conversation.)

And honestly? I think the biggest problem is I doubt anyone thought too hard about it. They were going for a big, showstopping transformation moment like Yennefer had at that ball, and they worked backwards from there to engineer a way for that reveal to have as much impact as possible. (From what I’ve heard, there’s some vague references to her having some sort of physical disability in the books but most of it is the show’s invention).  They didn’t want it to be just “she has a scar on her face that’s gone” or “her nailbeds no longer suck,” they wanted her transformation to be splashy and astonishing, and were only thinking about it from an ableist perspective that having a physical disability would be the worst thing possible.  And that sucks!  It’s hurtful to people with disabilities, and I genuinely wish the show had thought through it more.  

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Like I said, I’m still grappling with the best way to handle those two storylines in fic (especially in non-canon set stories, which is probably going to be most of my stuff) and so if anyone has any guidance, I’m all ears.

#not gonna tag it for reasons #tw infertility #tw ableism #spacer #one more spacer to keep it out of the tags #the witcher netflix #fireflyxrebel

[what-you-dont-surrender]

Killing Eve 2x07 Analysis

At V’s: Reflections reflections…with a camera pan to V and Eve that has to turn away from the sight. She’s almost there, but not quite.

“Do you want to talk about it? You’ll feel better if you do.” This is coming from the woman who’s heard people beg for mercy, who’s heard people tell her they have kids who depend on them, who never ever cares. Yet this time she wants to listen, she’ll encourage someone to speak, so long as that person is Eve. Sympathy, which in V’s case could be a progression to empathy, seeing as she already feels a connection with Eve strong enough to use the term “us”. For once, Villanelle doesn’t care about whether or not this is a fun activity, whether or not she’ll be bored listening to Eve, what she cares about is Eve being “ok”.

“Two AA meetings and suddenly you’re the expert on honesty?” “Yeah”

Thing is, she just might be. Let’s not forget that V is exceptionally intelligent, shall we? She may not understand the concept of honesty (which she’s self-aware about) but what she does understand now is that it is important to Eve. She’s so well-versed with honesty now, in fact, that she knows enough to be able to say the following lines: (“Do you mean it?”) “I don’t know” (“You don’t know if you’re telling the truth or not?”) “Not really.”

Add to this her facial expression:

Our murder baby is trying so hard to reach within herself to know because she knows that, to Eve, honesty is important. She’s learning the weight of her words, she’s learning that even if she doesn’t understand honesty, she needs to try to be as sure of what she says to Eve as she can be. There is even a mild sense of insecurity, perhaps? A worry that this is something that will turn Eve away from her? But by god, she will admit that she can’t tell the truth apart because it’s the least she can do. The next part, I’ve already written about so I won’t delve into so much, feel free to read it here.

What I do want to add is how utterly sure V is of her next sentence: (“You don’t feel anything?”) “I feel things when I’m with you.”

The smallest pause…

Absolute certainty…

Vulnerability, if she had a face.

That small pause in the first image, it was so brief, to be honest I don’t think V was thinking. I think she was feeling. She understood why that question mattered, she understood why Eve had to ask. She understood its implications, the way their dynamic hung in the balance by the answer to that question alone. But the second image, she doesn’t have to even think because she knows. Because there is a boy in a grave who knew that to Villanelle “Eve” was synonymous with the word “love”, because her first clean kill was titled “love in an elevator”, because the dance floor in an underground club knows, because the bathroom stall in which she almost choked a girl to death knows, because her hotel bed, her hotel bathroom, that damn mirror – all of Amsterdam knows. She doesn’t have to think twice before telling Eve: she feels things when she’s with her. And on that third image, that stare, that certainty. V is no expert at being vulnerable, but she will she try, if only with Eve, to make sure she gets just how honest and true she is being here. Honestly, I think watching a 3 second clip of this moment makes it more clear than still images but it’s the best I could do.

And then my favorite line: “I’m not with them when I’m with them.” I talk a bit about that on the link above as well. 

Restaurant scene:

“It’s the best thing on the menu,” homeboy Aaron is obsessed with the concepts of best, perfect, exact, etc. And honestly he’d be worthy of a diagnosis if I was more interested in him as a character beyond his interactions/comparisons with V.  For now lets just say he’s somewhat of a “social voyourist” per se; he likes to watch, to live vicariously through others, it’s so much safer. I love the way this interaction initiates because

Otherworldly pasta!

So much so, Sigh by Unloved starts playing in the background. This song, by the way, played during the Niko and Eve scene from 206. It implies arousal and carnal desire, lust, if you will. But this time it’s not V who’s aroused, it’s

homeboy Aaron

Also, notice how the moment this scene is initiated we get close ups; this implication of intimacy, along with Sigh playing in the background, but felt by Aaron instead of V. (thank the gods)

And then it begins to switch back and forth from them to

My sexual senses are tingling, must call my gf - I mean V. Sigh continues to play through this constant scenery switches, by the way.

We then get the wide pan as V and Aaron begin to talk about Amber, only for the camera to slowly begin zooming in as we get:

“I like buying things” “Go on,” “I like owning them…I like looking at them” “You’re a collector then?” “I guess so” “Of what?” “All kinds of things, things that make me feel something.”

One of the goals this episode set out to achieve was to create a parallel between Aaron and V, to show just how similar they can be. They are not reflections however, as we will see later on in the episode.

And here V reaches an understanding, she knows exactly what it is he wants. Whereas at first she had assumed he wanted to sleep with her, she now sees he just wants to observe, it is the only thing he craves.

“Lets go out and see something, that’s something we can do.”

And so, V begins to perform.

At V’s apartment:

“Cancel what I’ve been through and now I’m changing my world and now I’m changing my world…”

The song continues to play as V listens to Eve’s voicemails, smiling like the smitten dork that she is. And this is telling because V really is changing her world. She’s feeling for the first time, she is exhibiting behaviors she never has before, she feels compelled to do things for someone else, she is learning to control her impulses, she is trying to understand the concept of honesty…she is somewhere much different than where she was back in that opening scene, mimicking behavior before dropping ice cream on a little girl after having murdered an old man in Vienna without knowing why she was getting paid to do so.

And then:

Worried I’ve been murdered? Me? World’s deadliest assassin?

Yeah, really, worried, murdered, all of it. I see people saying this was funny cause, come on, Eve’s just being awkward. But no. I think this is very honest of Eve, she really does worry about V, we see this when she talks to Martin too. She might’ve gone along and spoken to Martin about herself, but she means it when she says she worries about V and her well-being. And this must be strange for both of them, I mean look at V’s face. No one’s worried for her before, hell, they pay her to put herself in these situations in the first place. She’s a weapon, its what she does. But here is Eve calling her 9 times, leaving 3 voice mails, sounding anxious and then forcefully collected, wondering if V is okay. Just wanting to hear her voice and be sure she’s safe. And though new and strange, well:

It’s also nice.

At Carolyn’s:

“You weren’t listening?” “Not this time, no.” And she says this with a straight back, head held high; someone’s proud.

“What’s her state of mind? “She is excited”

Konstantin cutting Eve off here, I’m sure Eve wouldn’t have said that to Carolyn if she had had the chance to answer, which he probably knew. “Have you been razzing her up, Eve?” “Razzing?” “I’m counting on you to keep her calm.” Interesting choice of word here, indeed. Have you been teasing her Eve? Teasing? Carolyn didn’t even have to think, it was her go to word here. And Eve is confused.

“Villanelle? Sit still?” “She will, she just needs to think that she’s in charge” I mean, yes, which is something Konstantin hasn’t quite figured out how to manage in his years with her, but also, no. Did ya catch him looking at Eve when she says this? This would work if Eve wasn’t actually falling for our dear V, so while she’s right in theory she’s wrong in practice. V is a master manipulator, I don’t think she’s quite gotten that yet.

Its interesting to me how Eve is okay with the concept of a team up until Konstantin say he can “supervise”. She’s more than okay leading a group, but having someone above her? Not interested. Honestly, this plays into her own psyche, as she believes herself to be more capable than others.

“Don’t forget what she did to Anna.”

You mean, nothing? V thought she loved Anna, and while her courting method sucked, she never actually hurt the woman. Sure, she isolated and pursued her, hoping her fixation would be reciprocated but she didn’t pose an actual threat to her even after she was rejected. But the thing is, Eve has shown to respond to V’s courting: she’s thrilled by V’s kills, she gets a high from the little messages V leaves her, she becomes aroused by the adrenaline she feels when V imposes herself on her. And Carolyn knows this: “Well, maybe you do need a bag man, take Hugo.”

Storage unit:

“You’re a hoarder” / “You’re a collector, then?”

Eve has a type, with one huge difference: V likes to look at them, Niko just likes to keep them. “I like owning them…I like looking at them.” Niko only owns; he only keeps Eve. Sure, he claims to love her, but only the parts of her he deems appropriate. He likes to keep her, but he’s not an active participant in her life, barely even for sex. He likes to go to Bingo night, come home, have Indian food, and read a book before falling asleep with the certainty that Eve will be there to do it all over again tomorrow. But V? She wants Eve in every aspect of her life: she wants to come up with intricate kills that Eve can admire, she wants to leave little hints only Eve can decipher, she wants to buy gifts in every country she visits and surprise Eve while she’s away, she wants to pick outfits only Eve is worthy enough to see her in, she wants to learn how to do things that are innately difficult for her because they matter to Eve. She wants to look at her, yes, and interact with her too, as we’ll see later on in the episode.

Boy, do I love cocky Villanelle. Asking for a thank you, bless, rub it in his face some more. And then her face when she says “Eve likes it, so…” As if “my baby likes it so of course I’m going to hold you at knife point and demand you tell me how to make it cause, trust me, I’ve tried and it’s just not worthy of Eve at all. Oh, Worcester sauce? Of course!” I mean it’s such an “duh of course, absolutely” moment. Eve likes it. That’s all the reason she needs to be doing this. Eve.

At Carolyn’s:

“Any escalation? Increased attention-seeking, recklessness?” A chuckle and a no for V and then “How about you?” Sadly, we’re interrupted by Kenny, but we know the answer. For one, the answer for both is a resounding yes. I mean, as they’re speaking V is in a storage unit interrogating Niko and Gemma about Shepherd’s Pie, for god’s sake. But also, that very morning Eve was sitting on V’s bed, leaning into her, dancing around words, trying to figure out if V also feels something for her before storming out after finding out she slept with 2 other women.

She mustn’t kill anyone but ya know, there goes Gemma lol

Back at the storage unit:

“Do you love Eve?” Cue the trembling voice, because this is the question that matters. I know some may wonder why Niko didn’t lie but let’s be honest, V would’ve known and that would’ve been worse.

“Of course I’m sure, she’s my wife.” I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS SENTENCE. Niko knows V knows Eve’s his wife, she’s still asking him if he’s sure, this response only serves to establish his territory. Being married to someone isn’t a guarantor of love. V doesn’t care so much that Eve is married as much as them being in love. It’s also a lazy answer, why are you sure Niko? There’re so many aspects you can’t stand about Eve, why are you so sure you love her? Cause of a paper you signed years ago? Do better.

“But Eve would never forgive me if I hurt you, Niko.”

Ugh, that delivery! The tremble at the “me” the emphasis on that “you”. V knows that as long as Niko chose Eve there would be a possibility of them getting back together, she was so willing to let them both go if he only said he loved Gemma, because Eve wouldn’t be able to forgive him loving someone else. But as long as he still loves her, as long as he feels comfortable enough calling her his wife, well, V feels like her place in Eve’s life is a fragile one.

“But Eve would never forgive me…” What is V’s concept of herself? What makes up her image of “me”? A murderer, a liar, a deceiver, someone who doesn’t understand the concept of honesty, someone who sleeps with other people to redirect her desire for her, someone who’s been impossible to love as far as she knows, someone who can’t settle and build a home, someone damaged. Her concept of “self” (or ego in psychology) is as fragile as her voice here. Why would she forgive her? Of course she wouldn’t.

“…if I hurt you, Niko.” You, her husband, the person she’s spent most of her life with, build a home with, someone who understands the concept of honesty to the point of risking their life when threatened by one of the deadliest assassins in the world, someone who she comes back to even though he drives her crazy sometimes, someone who makes her feel empty yet she still willingly shares a bed with.

Why would she forgive me if I took her concept of safety away? She wouldn’t.

And this level of self-awareness? It’s outstanding. Villanelle has gone from the overt narcissistic psychopathic murderer with APD to someone who questions her worth. V is a narcissist through and through and yet – AND YET – has now reached the ability to question her self-worth and her past decision-making. Talk about a character arc, my god, this is monumental. She could have very well killed Niko here, considering he poses a possible threat to her courtship of Eve, but making the decision to kill Gemma instead shows her ability to understand that that is not how people work. When she did this with Anna she though that by removing Max she would have what she wants, but now she refuses to make that same mistake even though she’d love to kill Niko. For one, she manages to frame him, punish him for straying from Eve (which, how dare he), and shows growth. I mean yes, is this a tactic to get to Eve? Sure, it lets Niko know that as long as he chooses Eve he will have to deal with V because she isn’t planning on going anywhere. But also, it shows how much she cares about Eve to place Eve’s feelings before her own urges. It is, perhaps, one of her biggest gestures of love so far.

At V’s:

“Maybe we’re soulmates.” Okay, so I’m not interested in V’s little joke as much as her ability to use the concept adequately. The woman who’s struggling with the concept of honesty is able to understand and apply the concept of soulmates. This caught my attention because if she can understand what the implications of that word are and if she can apply it for comedic value, then she can do this in the privacy of her own heart and mind as well. So then, does she think Eve is her soulmate? She’s already used the term “us” with Eve before, is this also something she’s considered? Does she really consider Aaron her soulmate or is this really just a joke?

The little eye-roll when asked if she’s planning something, her smile at the concept of being alone with Eve, giddy like a schoolgirl. I think this concept of soulmates might be more real to V than we’re being shown just yet.

Martin’s:

“He could kill the shit out of me” Eve, you truly identify the best with those who aren’t psychologically stable, huh?

“Aren’t they already [out of hand], putting a psychopath, possibly two, in a high-risk situation, and just…hoping for the best?” This is LITERALLY a summary of Killing Eve, folks. That’s it, that’s the show, we can all go home.

“I want her to be safe.” “Sounds like she can take care of herself” “No, she can’t”

Eve is doing two things here: 1. Speaking of herself through V, which Martin notices, and we’ll go into in a sec 2. Being honest.

We’ll see more of this throughout the episode, Eve goes through great lengths to make sure she’s sure V will not be harmed. She really does want V to be ok and the only safety she can provide is physical safety. She has yet to figure out V’s emotions, which she only just learned this morning exist, so what she can do to care for V is to make sure she’s safe. Eve worries for one of the world’s deadliest assassins, how endearing.

Now, Martin dismisses this second point mostly because he’s ignorant to what we’re privy to as the audience, and he also ignores her dismissal at being here for a “work thing” and that’s when we get:

“How much of the day do you pend thinking about her? “Most of it” “Are you two in a relationship?” “Define relationship.” “Are you having sex?” “No” The mistake Eve and some of us as viewers might make here is assume that “are you having sex?” is a question used to clarify Eve’s “define relationship” when it isn’t, it’s its own question. If Martin is as good as we’re led to believe he will notice how telling it is that Eve’s answer to “are you two in a relationship?” is “define relationship.” If the dynamic Eve and V have now is so complex and intertwined that the boundaries that define what a relationship is have been blurred then it’s safe to say that yes, they are in fact in one. Whatever the terms of it might be have yet to be established but a mental health professional must recognize that once these concepts require situational specification then we’re in trouble. Martin uses Eve’s request for clarification as a way to find out how intimate and safe they feel with one another at this time, because having sex would require them both to finally let their guards down with each other completely.

However, this may also give Eve the false idea that as long as they don’t have sex she hasn’t fully surrendered herself to her attraction to V. To Eve, as long as she can say she hasn’t slept with her, then no one can say she’s in too deep, as long as she doesn’t sleep with her she can keep crossing every line there is. And that’s simply not true, of course. Villanelle knows this though, she knows that sex is something Eve will not simply allow nonchalantly, she knows it’s not something she can charm her way into. She can’t just flirt with Eve, arouse her, and lead her to her bed, because Eve doesn’t work like that. Eve needs to bring down her walls on her own, on her own terms, at her own time. So yeah, V is definitely playing her cards in just the right way to get closer to Eve, but ultimately Eve will be the one who has to cross that threshold. @lesbianmoonlobster and I have previously spoken about my theory of The Threshold, for lack of a better term. I’ve mentioned to them how, if PWB was still writing, I’d be skeptical of Eve’s capacity to kill someone until next season, but now with Emerald, it has become clear that we’re driving at a faster speed, turning this into a possibility. At the very least, I do believe that Eve will reach a threshold this season and that, regardless of what form it takes, it will cause Eve’s grey morality to get a shade or two darker. My point is here, that V is playing her role in slowly coaxing Eve into her bed. “How are things at home?” “My husband left me.” “Are you behaving differently, doing things you normally wouldn’t?” “Yes” A vocal tremble on that “yes” “Do you feel unsafe?” “Yeah” A whispered response. “How else do you feel right now?” “I feel…wide awake.” Cue teary eyes.

The way I observe this part? “behaving differently” = subway man, using Niko, etc “unsafe” = herself “wide awake” = a realization A lot of people have mentioned how “bitchy” or cold Eve has been acting with V despite V’s attempts at casual get-to-knows (for lack of a better term) but part of this, I’m sure, has to do with Eve realizing that yeah, she’s very much like V. She’s scared of herself, of the things that she does, of how much she enjoys them and how much more she wants to do. But boy, does she feel revitalized – does she feel more herself.

“I recommended that you be taken off this operation, I said you were too involved and too compromised, but my recommendation was ignored.”

Eve’s eyes search, her tears begin to gather, she ponders.

“I’m telling you for your own safety.”

She looks up, she leaves.

This part, to me, is her moment of confirmation. Hearing Martin reveal what he had observed in their previous meeting, a professional, and expert, affirming that yes, you’re at risk of plunging into the very thing you’re dreading, only serves to confirm Eve of her realization. Perhaps even encourages her to continue on that path.

At the restaurant:

Number of things going on here but one I’m leaving alone ‘til its culmination point later in the episode. For one: here’s Eve trying to keep V safe again, risking being seen and blowing their operation because the only way she can protect V is by making sure she’s listening in so, all be damned, she’s gonna get her a back-up mic if it’s the last thing she does.

Little bit of light teasing from Hugo before this but it does tie in nicely with the way V caresses Eve’s hand as she takes the bread:

Because V knows what this looks like, Aaron buying her things, taking her to Rome, dinner at an expensive restaurant. All things V could want without the need to kill anyone. All reasons she could be charmed by Aaron, so yeah, she’s going to reassure Eve. Also, such a cute little way of saying “the creation of Eve” considering V has been the catalyst, or god in this sense, which has spurred Eve’s change. Except their hands are touching, unlike in the painting, implying they’re equals, Eve becoming in V’s likeness.

Cut to Eve’s hotel room:

“She’s having a great time.” Someone’s jealous. Someone’s doubtful. Despite V’s reassurance, the possibility of V finding someone else who watches her (“do you like to watch her or do you like being watch?”) scares Eve.

“I knew she wouldn’t let me down.” Oh boy, Eve. Development of trust, that’s a biggie (understatement of the year, worthy of a complete essay). Eve believes in V, she trusts her, she counts on her. The woman she professed she’d find what she loves and destroy it, the woman she stabbed, all of a sudden is worthy of her trust.

Also, V choosing One Way or Another? Subtle V, real subtle.

With Aaron:

“You’ll be bored stiff” “I’ll be fine” “You’ll be bored” “Ok, I’ll be bored” “Good”

Remember how I said Aaron would be worthy of a diagnosis if I cared enough about his character beyond his relation to V? We’ve reached that point. The beautiful thing that the show has been trying to do this entire episode is reaching it’s culmination point.

Aaron doesn’t only function as a parallel but also helps create a spectrum for the viewers. It is no longer just grey morality, it’s no longer just a psychopath, a dysfunctional MI6 agent with failed marriages, and a possible sociopath. Now it’s a spectrum because now we have that absolute black, or, as Aaron describes later, that “void”. Now we can line them all up.

Does that stare look familiar?

The very thing Aaron wants to see in V is what she once was, what he is: devoid of expression, devoid of her ability to interact with others in the manner she has now achieved.

“They’re both cold-blooded psychopaths…” “She’s just doing her job”

Well Hugo is right about one thing, as far as we’re shown, and as far as the show wants us to believe, they are both candidates for an Antisocial Personality Disorder diagnosis, albeit they fall in different categories. And Eve, though she may be basing her answer on her feelings, is right about her observation. Ultimately, V and Aaron would not function well together as they both have different needs and different understandings of the world, which we’ll see later on.

Russian meeting:

“…all this information is yours.”

“Language is information and information is everything.”

Look at V’s smile, she likes the sound of having access to all of this. Can’t blame her, really, it’s what she’s been lead to believe ever since The Twelve broke her out of prison, it’s the only way of life that’s really worked for her.

After:

I…love this scene.

“I told you you’d be bored”

Oh, but she wasn’t Aaron, she was thrilled.

What follows is, similarly to Eve, V’s own revelation.

“You’re the only person in the world I know nothing about. Nothing real. A void.” “That’s me” “I thought so, me too.”

But let’s look at V’s response:

She says it with so much certainty, the only thing she’s ever been really sure of. Everywhere she goes it’s all anyone perceives her as:

“You should never tell a psychopath they’re a psychopath, it upsets them.”

All she’s ever been told is how unstable, how cold, how different she is from everyone around her. So yeah, she sees herself as a void, we’ve established that V has gained a sense of self-awareness this season.

But Aaron is not privy to her development, he does not know that much of where V’s statement is coming from is no longer sound, and so he misidentifies himself with her.

And I say misidentifies because:

“Do you ever get lonely?” “Never” Because V does! V gets lonely, she gets bored, she craves attention and gratification. Loneliness, in particular, is something she mostly feels when away from the object of her fixation, now affection, such as Anna, Nadia, and now Eve. “You don’t want to…talk to them…touch them, sleep with them? “God, no.” “Do you?” “Yeah! I do, all the time.” She is so animated here, so surprised. Consciously or not, V seems to have formed this idea that she and Aaron were the same side of the same coin. “Soulmates” if you will. Cut of the same threat, both loving money, loving items, loving to watch. Both willing to discard people when they’re bored, both doing anything to pass the time, both valuing information, seeing those around them as less than. But here, this monumental difference. This desire to create connections and relationships with others, to not only watch but to engage in what we refer to as play in psychology. This is V’s revelation: they are not the same, she is capable of so much more than she’s allowed herself to believe.

Look at that smile!

What the show achieves here is the establishment of a spectrum for all of their characters. Something that shows who wish to portray psychopaths often do is create this robot-like person who is most often a sadist who lies and cheats and is the epitome of all things immoral and evil. Psychopathy is just a symptom of people who fall in cluster B personality disorders, often a mix of APD with a few others. Something I’ve mentioned before is how some psychologists have theorized that APD patients can actually feel emotions but often struggle with actively feeling them or identifying them because they feel them much more fleetingly or to a much lesser degree than most people. There is no exact depiction of a psychopath or APD patient because there is no one way in which this disorder presents itself, it is a spectrum. And here we see this established, we see Aaron as the one who can only function through I-it relationships, whereas for V there is an I-you, however mild and chaotic. And this revelation to her is a doorway; it opens up so many possibilities that she may now have the strength to aim for, particularly Eve because, all of a sudden, there is validity in her desire for their connection.

And who knows that now?

THAT scene:

It was sexy, I know. I won’t take the sexy away but I do want to point out a few things here:

1.       Eve making sure her girl – I mean V – is safe, again. She’s ready and willing to listen all night if she has to. Whether it’s because the last time she left her alone V slept with 2 chicks or because extreme-end-of-the-spectrum-psychopath Aaron is around, Eve is making absolutely certain she’s there should V need her.

2.       Remember that relationship/sex question from Martin? The way Eve deflected by asking him to define “relationship”? Remember how I said she might fool herself into thinking that as long as she doesn’t sleep with V they’re not together, she hasn’t gone too far? Eve is so close to crossing her own blurred line. V is more than aware of just how far she can push Eve, just how to inch her closer little by little over that line. Notice the progression here: Eve’s sexual drive revived with the arrival of V in her life, of course, but notice the way it has escalated over time. At first it was the excitement of her new job, the gifts V sent her, the thrill of danger, the flowers at her doorstep, Niko angered by V’s presence, and now V pleasuring herself. It began by situations, then items, then their dynamic, V’s show of affection, V vicariously through Niko, and now its her on own voice. She’s been easing her way into Eve’s bed, slowly fixing herself as the object of Eve’s desire. Eve has begun to embrace this longing; she did not put up a fight the moment she realized V was ready and willing to spend the night with her through Hugo’s body. Eve understood that she too has been with others without being with them. And does she care?

 Not one bit. Not as long as she gets to wake up hearing Villanelle’s voice, it seems.

Good for them.

#killing eve #villanelle #eve polastri #villaneve #this is really really really long i know i'm so sorry #thanks to all the encouraging folks who kept me company while writing this #shout out to lesbianmoonlobster as well for being awesome

[supergenial]

The Byleth Diatribe

clickbait title: if you thought Byleth was creepy, wait until you read this!

Intro

In the past couple months it's really gotten my attention the fact that some people cannot stand looking at images that depict the teacher character from fire emblem three houses (Byleth) with their students in a romantic manner. They arrive at this disgust due to the parallels it traces with real life teachers who take advantage of their students. While I don't share this sensibility, I do think it's an interesting topic to think of so I'd like to explore why these people are correct in their conclusion that Byleth is creepy, but entirely wrong in their logic-path to it.

1) Byleth is just not an actual character

To address the elephant in the room, Byleth is literally a non-character. In a game filled with wonderful dialogue that fully exposes character motivations for a massive cast, it's hard to think of this one silent teacher as a real character that normally exists in that world. Byleth's "character" is purely an afterthought to their role as the Player Avatar. Surely enough in previous installments of the series you had Robin, Corrin and Kris, but their situation was partly different.

Robin and Corrin were proper characters as much as every other character in their game. They held conversations with the other characters, they expressed themselves in regards to the events that happened to them, some would even dare to argue they were better written that some other characters in their respective games if only because their heightened importance to their respective plot lines inevitably helps them have more dialogue, and even a bad writer has to stumble into writing something good eventually which means in some scenes they’re able to overcome the barrier of being bland by design.

Byleth however has none of this. At best they're given 2 or 3 text choices at any given time, and any bipartisan conversation that involves them is more of a soliloquy by the other character, with the player input being largely irrelevant to the flow of the conversation aside from changing the very immediate reaction that follows that same input.

As such, the notion that Byleth is a creepy teacher who's grooming their students to be their personal sex slaves is misconstrued in the fact that Byleth simply has no real motivations, hence no intent. It is equally as valid to assume they could be a straight laced no-nonsense teacher or a deviant who preys on children, because no conjectures can be traced to their personality, as it doesn't exist. We can't deduce what is it that Byleth wants out of life because the avatar has no life and exists purely as a videogame terminal. We don't know what they enjoy outside of the very few things we the players are allowed to do as the character, which is why so much Byleth fanart involves fishing, cooking, or drinking tea, the few hobbies we indulged in while playing as them.

There is however something innately perverse about Byleth, it's just not the fact they're a teacher, but rather the fact they're the player.

2) Player avatars are inherently creepy, and so are dating sims

Fire Emblem is a fantasy game. In Fire Emblem games you will not only find unreal things like dragons and magic, but also straight up impossible things such as kind-hearted rulers that care about protecting and improving the lives of their constituents. The three real main characters in this game all have pure motivations and genuine desire to improve the world (yes... even Edelgard). As such, we can expect the same purity and lack of reality from a hypothetical Byleth that has a personality. It's fair to assume they'd be legitimate teachers with no creepy intentions who, through the vicissitudes of life, end up inadvertently falling in love with their students. In a fantasy land where every "good guy" is pure in nature there is no concern of Byleth grooming Dimitri, or of Edelgard forcing some ill intentioned quid-pro-quo with her right hand strategist whom she is obsessed with, because it's simply fantasy where everyone is nice and pure so things just magically always work out.

There is however an insidious factor lurking over this fantasy land, and that is the player. An omnipotent being who decides who lives, who dies, who gets married to who, and who stays alone because we just don't like them that much. The player can send Ashe to get the last hit on Lonato, just out of morbid curiosity to see what is the special dialogue that they have in that situation. The player can recruit Felix and then have Felix kill Rodrigue in the crimson route, just to see what hilarious quip will the son bark at the father. And of course, the player gets to decide who gets married to the lifeless slab of meat and bones with no emotion that is the Player Avatar. If anything breaks the idea that these characters are well written or realistic, it is the fact that they can all fall in love with someone who cannot communicate with them, all because of the emotions they magically choose to believe the avatar has, or rather, we choose to make them believe it.

In a "set" story like fire emblem echoes or path of radiance, the epilogues have little to no variety because the characters will just be themselves regardless of the player's input. No matter how much you want to see Celica's reaction to Faye getting together with Alm, that is simply not going to happen because their bond is set in stone, it cannot be altered, it is a "set" story. Likewise Nyna in new mystery of the emblem will never, ever fuck Sirius regardless of what she or the player wishes. Three Houses on the other hand is more like a playground than a book, the player will mess with the lives of these characters until they get bored of them, seeing every possible unlikely combination programmed into the game just out of curiosity to see what the characters will say, to squeeze out every last bit of "Content" that the game has until they get bored of it and move on to something else, effectively reducing the characters from "characters" to mere consumables. 

Hence why I can't help but laugh at the notion that Byleth is creepy by nature of being a teacher when they're so much more than a teacher and so much more creepy than a creepy teacher. They're an in-game god (hell, lore-wise they're also a god in every ending except crimson). Byleth can quite literally mind control other characters into loving them as long as they're given enough flowers and tea. Look at Sylvain's C support with Byleth and tell me if it's natural for a guy like him to fall in love like that after saying he wants to murder Byleth (surely enough, it's even creepier for players to fall in love with him because of that support, as Sylvain is an extremely interesting character but only in his other supports).

This is why you see people saying that Felix and Annette are a great couple, or that Marianne and Dimitri are made for each other, but you don’t really see people saying that Byleth’s pairing with x is cute. When two proper characters interact all the way to their A support and fall in love that way, you’ve actually seen their story develop, you can feel happy for them. Pairing Byleth with a proper character fulfills your desire to monopolize that character and get a neat special artwork of them, but has it really been a good story and feel like this is a good conclusion for them? No. (I’d be willing to say Byleth and Dimitri do make a somewhat good couple though, but that point would be much easier to defend if Byleth could actually communicate properly)

It wouldn't matter if Byleth was a 15 year old teacher, or a 17 year old student that's a peer to the classmates, or if all of the classmates were older than Byleth AND teachers instead while Byleth is a student. By the mere nature of the player input and Byleth's lack of character, the pairing is screwed up to begin with. 

What I'm getting at is that pairing Byleth with Catherine or Shamir is equally as fucked up as pairing Byleth with Dimitri (I would argue moreso because come on... Shamir and Catherine are totally girlfriends and you're just squeezing yourself in, have some respect).

In other words Byleth is only creepy because you are creepy. You're playing a game where you can date people who cannot possibly refuse you. Even if you remove that factor, you'd still be playing at making children fuck each other in whatever way you see fit. Something is wrong with you. You're the only impure factor affecting this game.

3) Fire Emblem will always suck

This is my favorite series of games but come on guys, you know fire emblem will always suck if you care about this kinda thing. In fire emblem fates Corrin has a wide variety of about 9 flavors of incest to choose from. In fire emblem awakening Robin can marry an amnesiac woman with head trauma who can't even speak complete sentences and is entirely dependent on him to subsist. The fanbase has grown so twisted they actively wanted Byleth to get married to Alois, a married man with children, and were disappointed when they didn't fuck in that paired ending (though I understand getting upset about the lack of gay supports, but hey that's just yet another way in which fire emblem chooses to suck).

Hell this is the fanbase that considers Berkut and Rinea to be a cute couple, what the actual hell guys. Go ahead and criticize the games but as long as the shipping simulator is included in the series, the games will always be creepy in their very nature, and guess what: the shipping simulator happens to be one of the most popular features and the one that people say it's the best written part of every game, so go figure if they're going to remove that.

ps: if you want a fire emblem with no paired endings, path of radiance has your back, it is my favorite! and if you want to avoid supports altogether, try Radiant Dawn, that's some good stuff.

4) Just for fun: the actual most fucked up ships in the game

-Lysithea with Linhardt, Byleth or Hanneman, or anyone.

When I recruited Lysithea in my first playthrough I didn't know she was a strong unit, instead I simply did it because I saw this sassy lost child wandering the halls and just really didn't want to kill her. I wanted her to live on and see her have a happy epilogue. Imagine my surprise when I reached the epilogues and it turns out she just simply dies shortly after the story if you don't pair her up with anyone. The exact one thing I wanted to avert was having her meet an early death, yet the game simply has her die anyway.

At the end of my deer playthrough I was all set to click on Hilda when I realized, wait a minute, Lysithea is going to die if I do this, right? And that is in fact the case. She can only live by supporting Hanneman, Lindhart or Byleth, and I had not recruited those two. So I click on Lysithea but it's kind of a tainted click isn't it? Not that I dislike her or anything, but once you throw in that additional motivation the scales have been irreversibly tipped in an unpleasant manner. I have effectively been guilted into picking her.

On to a third playthrough. I see Felix has really cute supports with Lysithea, but I can't have them supporting each other because I know she still meets an early death with him. And Lindhart, well his supports aren't bad and he's a great guy but they're certainly not as fun supports as Felix's. Hanneman fortunately doesn't seem interested in that way when you pair him up with Lysithea (not that he has any restraints when it comes to his supports with Dorothea...) so you can still have that as effectively a "solo" end for her in which she lives, but it's still kind of messed up. By giving her the Hanneman ending I'm condemning her to miss out on love for the rest of her life so that she can live on, but isn't love the reason we live on to begin with? Overall, I'd say Lysithea x Lindhart or Byleth is certainly a creepy support in the very nature that you have to do it or else you're a murderer, because you had the power to prevent this death and chose not to.

-Flayn with literally anyone

Imagine if a grown adult man could disguise himself as a high schooler, infiltrated a school and got married to a girl less than half his age. People would hate it, people would riot, Intelligent Systems would be over. But that is Flayn everyone! Fire Emblem is no stranger to the stupid trope of "little girl who's actually hundreds of years old", but I'll argue that Flayn is markedly different from Nowi. Nowi is most definitely a cartoonish fantasy character, who still acts like a little girl despite being hundreds of years old. She's literally bait for pedophile nerds with a flimsy shield in her supposed age, which she and her fans openly flaunt as if it really meant anything when the intent of her character is so transparent.

Flayn on the other hand is a legitimately mature character (as far as maturity goes in this game...) who is pretending to be a high schooler to get hitched with a student, all while hiding her real age entirely on purpose. An actual wolf in sheep's clothing (or dragon in sheep's clothing in this case...). And she can s-support literally every single male student except for Hubert (for story reasons) and Sylvain (for Sylvain reasons). Not only that but she doesn’t support any females other than Manuela, her fellow cougar, and she doesn’t support any of the older men like Hanneman showing she’s only interested in young blood.

But hey everyone! Flayn is just the little meme fish girl trapped in the mcdonalds playplace so we all give her a pass right. Overall though I'd say her creep factor is still significantly lower than Nowi's if only because her design isn't a chore to look at.

-Rhea x Byleth

This is some galaxy brain 5D chess grandmaster type of shit I tell you. Capitalizing on the sickening mommy fetish that's been rising up recently internet the crackhead team of geniuses at intelligent systems decided to pull Joker's Trick on people who are into that kind of thing. First they have her be the oldest non-wrinkled character, then they give her Kikuko Inoue as a seiyuu (famously known for often playing mom roles), then they give players that one scene where Byleth rests on her lap like their kid, and then? Then the game tells you Rhea is the daughter of Byleth. Wait a minute, what the hell? I can't even begin to think this one out because at this point my brain has turned to tofu and I am forever perplexed by this turnaround, hats off to intelligent systems for their ultimate jest.

After fates and this I positively cannot wait to see what new incestcoaster they'll turn my guts inside out with in the next entry of the series, Fire Emblem is truly the finest series of horror games disguised as jrpgs.

Obviously, this post was written in jest. I don’t actually believe you’re an inherently creepy person for playing fire emblem, nor do I think Flayn is a predator deviant (hell I don’t even think Nowi is that bad). I just found it truly interesting how people’s sensitivities can activate in these fictional settings (and do think those sensitivities should be respected) but when I try to activate those neurons my mind ends up in a whole different place. So yeah, just having some fun.

Also check out the rest of this trilogy with Three Houses sucks actually and Three Houses is good actually. I seriously hope I never feel like writing anything about this game ever again.

#fire emblem #deep analysis #character study

[qunot]

Lolicon’s Impact on Me

Oh, how I loathe to write this post, but write I must, I don't know if this will sink to the depths of darkness, but I'd like to think that at-least one soul might benefit from it.

I am what society would call a monster or aberration. A being who has no attraction to adults but does have it to kids. Some as young as 9.

Contrary to popular belief, I did not get bored some day and decide, "I am feeling really masochistic today, why don't I do something that is bound to really backfire on me and completely destroy my life, just to spice things up."

No one thinks like that, it is innate. From the very moment you're born to the very moment you die, it is a part of you forever and ever and it sucks. A lot. Having sex? Never. Having a relationship with someone? Never. Looking at porn? Only if you want to go to prison for forty years.

Also contrary to popular belief, I don't have the desire to jump on random people in fits of lust or to seek out sexual encounters just to relieve the pressure. This is similar to how you don't really see hordes of virgin men scouring the streets for every random woman they can forcefully abduct into their homes.

This is not to say that we are completely stable. Societal pressures involved (being called a monster constantly), having nowhere to turn to, etc. conspire to make us a fair bit more unstable than the national average.

I myself am actually fairly well-adjusted compared to many more unfortunate people like me.

Some go insane.

Some just give into temptation and eventually end up in a dark part of the web filled with things which shouldn't be allowed to exist.

Some get all self-loathing and punish themselves every-day to make themselves feel how much of a monster they are.

I on the other-hand manage to stay relatively stable, albeit having to deal with bouts of depression and mood instability. This wasn't always the case, and I attribute much of it to lolicon hentai, which is a sort of cartoon porn.

Unlike real pornography, every character is entirely fictitious and there is no person to horribly traumatize or to soil the reputation of by being associated with naked pictures of kids. Everyone wins. Society gets well-adjusted productive members of society and I get to be sane.

Except, is this really case? You would think that society would rally behind something with such great benefits, right? Sadly, politics is a huge part of anything to do with this, and more often than not, facts are optional.

At this point in the game, not only are the facilities to help support people woefully lacking, but governments have been carrying the flawed mindset that "this is a slippery slope which leads to children getting abused" when every law they pass actually achieves the opposite.

To really understand how this is so however, I am going to have to take you through a little story about myself and how I came to get to the point I'm at now.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I never really thought about sex, it was just something which never really crossed my mind. Other kids would mention a thing or two from time to time, but I would be content to leave that be.

That did end up changing, but not in the ways one might expect, I grew more and more curious towards kids who were far under my age, but were all but present. I would sometimes look at fully clothed images on the internet with a weird feeling.

And one day, I saw perhaps one of the youngest people there who looked a fair bit younger than they actually were, although still a fair bit younger than me who I found extremely cute unlike all of the so called "attractive girls" who the other teenagers would always talk about.

She was far, far less developed than them and that was very enticing.

I very awkwardly tried to make friends with her, and while it very slightly worked, my social awkwardness was off the charts and making it difficult to get much further and eventually it crashed and burned like many unrequited loves too.

During this process, I had a slight feeling that something was wrong, especially with the low age involved, but no one seemed to notice a thing as we were all well within the legal boundaries.

Those were the first encounters with this unique sexuality, although certainly not the last.

At some point, I'm not even sure exactly, , but I drifted away from looking at clothed images of real girls and started looking at random anime (cartoons of sorts which are produced in Japan) ones as I found them particularly cute.

I flicked through lots of them, being pulled more and more towards the young ones who I adored and contained the qualities I loved. I even childishly wanted to leave this world behind entirely.

This continued for a number of years, even past school, although I became more and more conscious of cute school kids roaming by. I didn't have any particularly bad intentions for them, but I did find myself looking whenever they happened to be nearby.

I gradually became more and more disillusioned with reality, especially with this taboo attraction which society all but called the devil and eventually all alone in the depths of depression and repressed self-loathing and after the deaths of several loved ones, I decided to deal with it once and for all.

Through a great deal of research, I discovered that sexual desire had a connection to several hormones within the body, so I thought that if I get rid of those, then I can become normal, right? It's not like these desires are good for anything, right?

Unfortunately, the methods to deal with this involved prescription drugs and getting a hold of them would require going through the right medical channels, but I didn't let this stop me.

I knew that if I let the information about me loose to those professional, then I might well be locked up for the rest of my days in some sort of mental hospital, unable to die. This is how deep the stigma regarding this condition runs, even what may be perfectly reasonable professionals in other times will go crazy at the thought, and I could not take this risk.

I managed to get the pills through sketchy yet perfectly legal channels and began to rid myself of this condition, discarding my former self and being reborn as a normal productive member of society... Except, this did not work, even slightly.

It is true that it somewhat reduced my sex drive, but the romantic attractions, protective instincts for them, etc. simply refused to disappear, so I channeled all my willpower to suppress those and tried to seek relationships with normal adults like any other human being.

As the chief symbol of my depravity, I also cut myself off from all cartoon porn and strived to maintain a porn free life as regular porn could do nothing but conjure up feelings of revulsion in me, as part of this, I slowly brainwashed myself into thinking that all sexual thoughts are evil and clamped down on them viciously.

This too failed as my distorted mental state and already irregular sexuality made it impossible to really get anywhere further than permanent friend zone. They eventually left and looked at me with disgust, or so the distorted feelings said.

As the hormones vanished, my body grew weaker and weaker to the point I would easily run out of breath even for short walks, my bones grew rickety, and I found myself staring listlessly at the wall for many hours at a time, my mind an empty void and occasionally thinking about throwing myself off the tallest building and researching the best way of committing suicide.

I also began to hear faint voices which weren't really there whispering and sometimes saying my name, calling for me and I grew steadily more paranoid about people watching me from outside the window or from behind me, even though there was no one there.

I drifted further and further from the world, continuing the courses of pills like a mindless zombie, and when I was out and about, I felt as if everyone around me was looking at me with the utmost disgust. I even ate a bit of bleach, while thinking about just ending it.

At some point, the pills ran out and I couldn't muster up the will to get more of them at that point, so I continued my suppression exercises and my mindset bit by bit still remained in a weird way, almost like that of an alien and yet I pressed forward convinced by that letting my repressed self out would be a terrible idea.

Eventually, a few more friends abandoned me due to my distorted mind, I pleaded with them to stay, but they took the rational choice. I can hardly fault them for that.

Completely distraught and unable to muster up the energy to continue, I ended up looking at the cartoon porn again and bit by bit reconnected with various people and continued trotting along until I learned that several people near me were arrested for doing the same thing and had their lives destroyed for it.

I freaked out and started looking into various laws and regulations and drifted towards the forums of the various sites which produced my favorite content. I pored over each page and even noticed a few people who were somewhat like me there, and even more surprisingly, they didn't seem to be the evil sadistic monsters which society taught me they were.

I ended up talking to them in a slightly liberating experience and learned a number of things. I also branched out into various other communities.

One of the things I learned is that looking at child abuse images is more of an addiction than being a complete sadistic monster, and that safer content is extremely scarce with people having to dig deeper and deeper into the darkness to find more of what they need.

According to them, it can allow one to vent more effectively than anything else, in practice, a lot of the content is so horrible that it ends up driving you to near suicide.

They also commented that it would have been impossible to escape from that content, if not for the fact that they had an alternate outlet to switch to. This reaffirmed my beliefs that an outlet is vital for dealing with your natural urges and to stay away from that horrible yet addictive content.

Fate tends to make fools of us all, however as while browsing, I stumbled upon a couple of blurry images. I looked in closer and each one was a naked child standing on her own completely naked, I was really surprised that something like this could actually exist on the surface web.

It had a stronger sexual attraction than usual and as I had never seen a naked child (of the right sex) before, I looked curiously at their body structure. Shortly after, I dragged myself away from those images, deciding to stay away from them and just focus on cartoon porn instead.

Several weeks later, I stumbled upon an article about the ban in Japan and discovered that those images in particular were commercially produced thirty years ago back when when it was legal, which made sense considering that the quality of the images was fairly poor by today's standards.

After all these events, I sat down and thought about the poor state of information regarding us.

For instance, there is a misconception that mere thoughts lead to cartoon porn which lead to real porn which lead to rape. Or the very common assumption that we are all crazy rapists by default,  I used to think that too after hearing it so many times.

In truth, I have yet to see anyone who has actually abused someone, they seem vanishingly rare and I'm happy for it as-well as I would be very uncomfortable to be in the same space as someone who abused someone against their will.

This led me to think of ways to try to get information out to people that a lot of things have been massively misunderstood and I decided to write a short post. It won't quite be the most effective thing in the world, but every little bit helps in the grand scheme of things.

In the end, even though I am attracted to them and can fantasize about doing all manner of erotic things with them, I wouldn't actually be able to force them to do things against their will, even thinking of it would weigh too heavily on my conscience.

I don't know what you will make of this post, but I hope it's of use to at-least someone.

#society #life #art

[northofsomewhererp]

Your Name, Age (17+), & Timezone: Meg, too old, EDT

Blu F. Sinclair turned 22 years old on October 13th. He’s a resident in Greensville. His face claim is Jimin Park.

Bio (10+ sentences, include brief history, personality, potential plots):

After years of trying to conceive with no luck, it became apparent to high school sweethearts Lori and Kenneth Sinclair that one of them was infertile and that their dream family could never be completed using biological methods. A few alternatives came to light, but for Lori, there was no doubt in her mind that she wanted to adopt and save a child in need. And so the couple, after thorough research, settled on partnering up with the Holt International adoption agency. Through them, they found their perfect little bundle of joy.

Blu, originally named Beomgyu, was adopted and brought home to his family in Greensville when he was only three years old. Little is known about what happened to Blu’s birth parents, but with Lori and Kenneth, he never lacked anything he desired. He was raised with the utmost care by two loving parents, whether their bond be of blood or not didn’t matter to any of them.

From early childhood, it was clear to anyone that Blu was… larger than life. Even when he was only three years old, he had a commanding presence that everyone couldn’t help but pay attention to. He had this way of making audiences wherever he went and getting exactly what he wants, much to the dismay of his very fond parents. He’s always been a free spirit, independent. Never one to be shoved aside, it was simply impossible to ignore the little ball of energy, with his charming demeanour and the innate competence he had making friends wherever he went. As he grew older, that ‘skill’ only managed to serve him further, with both boys and girls lining up just to get a chance at merely catching his attention. But, ever noncommittal, none of that interested Blu. All he held in his heart were his parents, and the ice.

Sinclair was signed up for ice skating lessons as a kid, and neither Lori or Kenneth expected their baby boy to find his calling this early on in life. The utmost ease with which he tackled the ice, it was as if their son was born to be on there: it was where he belonged. Ice skating lessons turned to figure skating classes, and Blu has never looked back since. There’s this sense of wholeness that only performing on the ice brings him, and it’s a feeling nothing in the world could force him to give up on. Lori and Kenneth were supportive from the get go, paid for his lessons even when he hit majority and had his own job, with which he could afford his coach. Blu’s goal from the very start was the Olympics, and they swore to do whatever it took to get him there. But all good things must come to an end.

With only Kenneth bringing in a stable income in their household, affording Blu’s dreams soon became out of reach. Debts started piling up rather quickly, Blu being the first to take two part time jobs just to help around the house. So when a forest fire spread to the Sinclairs’ neighborhood and burned their house down, leaving them with nothing, his dream was the least of their problems. Their main priority became surviving. Needless to say, moving from a four-bedroom house to a two-bedroom apartment was quite the adaption for the Sinclairs. But no matter how hard they worked, how hard they tried, nothing seemed to help dig them out of this hole they’d found themselves in.

Although they’d never asked anything of him, Blu wished he could do more. He helped with chores around the house, worked tirelessly every single day of the week, but they still hadn’t made a dent in their crippling debt. And it was by pure luck that one day, when ranting about his stressful home life to a close friend, that she suggested something so extravagant, so absurd that it could actually work. “You could be a sugar baby. They make tons of money just by entertaining the idea of fucking pervy old dudes. You totally have the body for it, you have absolutely nothing to lose, B.”

What was originally presented as a joke somehow became a very real possibility. Upon going home, Blu was instantly glued to his computer and delving deep into the world of sex workers. How much money they made, how they stayed safe, every little ins and outs of the job. And maybe he was crazy, or maybe he was just desperate, but that very night, Blu created a profile on a seeking arrangement website. Next thing he knew, he was getting hundreds of dollars simply for having dinner with lonely old men. He found there was even more money to be made through online means, and got whisked away quite rapidly into being a camboy along with a sugar baby.

Blu’s now garnered a pretty substantial online following, fifty thousand and counting, of people drooling and sometimes paying for his services. His identity remains anonymous as a means to protect himself, and no one in his life, not his family, or his friends, are aware of his occupation. He still works full-time at a kid’s boutique downtown so people don’t get suspicious, but little do they know, he’s far from needing it anymore.

Activity (1-10): 5

Have you read the rules?: removed

In the event that you leave, can we keep your biography for future use? no pls he my baby! Any comments/questions?: removed

Sample( 2+ paragraphs): 

“Jonathan? Is everything alright? You’ve barely touched your food, is it bad? We can take it back to the kitchen, ask for a new one”, the old man sitting across from Blu rambled on, wrinkly hand coming to rest atop his. Jonathan was the name he’d chosen to use tonight; no way in hell he’d give these creeps the ammunition of knowing his true identity. He’d be compromised, and after two years of being in the business, he knew better than to be sloppy. Blu offered him the most dashing grin he could afford, took the 72 year old man’s hand and interlaced their fingers.

“Oh, Harold, aren’t you the sweetest? I’m okay, just… not very hungry”, he brought their intertwined hands to his lips, brushed them against the elder’s soap-smelling knuckles. “At least, not for food”, Blu grinned devilishly, and the older man seemed to be pleased by this answer. If his client – because that’s all he was to him; a client – didn’t have such poor circulation, he maybe would’ve even blushed.

“Jonathan… oh my”, the older was quick to grab a napkin off the table to wipe incoming beads of sweat pearling on his forehead. “I didn’t remember you being so bold”, he smiled. But Blu wasn’t about to let up. He gave his knuckles one single kitten lick, maintaing eye contact.

“Well, you haven’t called me in a while, maybe you just forgot”, Sinclair untangled their fingers but kept his grip on Harold’s hand firm. “Why’s that? Did you not miss me… daddy?” He spread the senior’s fingers and, without a warning, slipped his index in his mouth. Sucked on it like they were alone in a hotel room and not just at some five-star restaurant right outside of Rosewood, with a dozen other people around. The way Harold gasped was enough for Blu to know he didn’t mind, though. “I thought I made you feel so good last time… kind of hurt my feelings that you didn’t call back”, he pouted, fucking pouted, and the way the ancient man’s – who’s mothball-flavored fingers he’d just sucked – brows furrowed was rewarding enough.

“I- I meant to, Jon, I really did! Just, my son came into town and he wanted me to lend a bit of money-”

“You know I’m understanding, Harry. We’ve been through this”, Blu put down the man’s hand, but not before swirling his tongue one last time around his digit. “You’re one of my oldest clients, I would’ve taken a bit less for you. Hell, just shooting me a message saying money was tight would’ve been enough. But you just ghosted me… that wasn’t very nice”, he drawled out almost every word unnecessarily, thrived at the way Harold was hanging on to every single one of them ...

removed [nsfw trigger warning]

#accepted #nosaccepted

[thankyoumskobayashi]

The symbolism of changing clothes: Hualian and color schematics. (Spoilers up to Tian Guan Ci Fu Chapter 109).

In the most recent chapter, Xie Lian, Hua Cheng, Wind Master, and Earth Master all go to a small town where their flamboyant attire stands out. Everyone changes except for Xie Lian, who dresses casually because he has spent most of his immortal life wandering the mortal realms and therefore he is better equipped to handle them. During the protagonist's backstory, author Mo Xiang Tong Xiu states that Xie Lian has always like to wear white clothes, and reminds the reader of this fact throughout the previous two cases Xie Lian handles. In this case, Xie Lian's choice of clothing remains pretty static.

He had gotten wiser throughout the years, and grown to see (perhaps) the folly of his younger ways. He had grown resigned to misfortune to the point that he scared away Venerable demons because they couldn't feed off of his broken dreams. This is some serious depression right here. Even though his consistent choice of clothing paralleled his consistent personality traits, Xie Lian's clothing choice is perhaps symbolic of more meanings.

Taoism is the cultural paradigm pervading Mo Xiang Tong Xiu's cultivation novels (or probably cultivation novels in general, but I have only read hers thus far), and some of the things it emcompasses are the concepts of yin and yang energy. White, or Xie Lian's chosen color of dress, represents the masculine yin energy. It is, as Mo Xiang Tong Xiu states many times in Mo Dao Zu Shi, the energy of life, an active energy, and a force for good. This "force for good" was shown as Xie Lian modeled the perfect cultivation student as a Crown Prince, and it became his driving motivation when he reneged against the divine rules of interfering with mortal matters.

This active energy means he is by nature a proactive person. He created a sign saying "renovation needed" by his latest tiny temple, he didn't wait for reinforcements when he learned his idiot cousin was kidnapped by the rebels but left to rescue him anyways, he volunteered to help the noble family when they threw out a doctor to gain a chance at feeding the two kids. From the time he was mortal until Xie Lian's present day, he has seen a need and strived to meet it. Giving rain, saving the child Hong, helping the merchants in their caravan. He has a desire to provide for and protect others -whether from royal duty to the people or compassion matters not- which has become innate over 800 years. It's instinctive. He has become the model of yin energy personified, although his portrayal of leadership is not what one might expect.

The "leaders" one could think of are loud, commanding, in control of everyone and everything. However, that level of micromanaging may produce hostility, helplessness, and resentment among the subordinates. Xie Lian steps in as a leader only when no one else knows how to or even wants to handle it. His main goal is calming people during times of paranormal crisis, like his many attempted directions to the mob on the mountain, or the directions to the soldiers not to jump into the pit. He also wants to keep the others safe, which lends itself to his self-sacrificial tendencies. He understands that even his subordinates have a right to run away from the case, even if that strands him in a precarious position. He listens to their concerns and mediates their fights. Although this may seem like the caricature of the "weak" leader, Xie Lian's leadership methods show the people he works with that he is dedicated to providing their safety and peace.

Rather than proclaiming he will protect them, as he did when he was the Crown Prince of Xian Le, Xie Lian tells the merchants he will go with them and demonstrates through actions that he will protect them along the way. He used this method of showing before telling as he protected the child Hong (whom he'd first saved when Hong fell from the sky) from his evil cousin's murderous schemes. He ordered the carriage stopped, carefully picked up Hong, did some crowd control, then marched that kid right up to the palace healers. He showed Hong he was there to protect him, murmuring comforting things to him along the way.

That child, as you may suspect from Mo Xiang Tong Xiu's love for creating many identities for her characters, likely will turn out to be the devotee at the run-down Temple of the Flower Crown Prince, aka the Temple where Xie Lian first noticed and appreciated the white flower in his statue's hand. It was implied that Hong, touched by Prince Xie Lian's rescues of him, looked up to him even after Xie Lian ascended to godhood. Hong looked up to him enough to do something different than the rest of the followers: establish his own personal symbol for Xie Lian in the white flower, and actually listen to Xie Lian's instructions to his worshippers on how to worship him. Touched by these two things, Xie Lian protected Hong from the children bullying him and invited him to sustain himself from the fruit offerings given. Hong confessed that he didn't know what to live for and Xie Lian told him "Live for me."

With all the political unrest, drought worries, and epidemic to worry about, Xie Lian didn't remember this child was Hong, who he'd saved from falling and from his cousin before. He merely saved him again and left to do more martial-godly stuff. Eventually, Hong heard through gossip that Xie Lian was on the battlefield fighting the people who wanted to escape the droughts. That, I believe, was when he first began pursuing Xie Lian, probably beginning as a form of hero worship. He snuck onto the wall guard then, and caught a glimpse of Xie Lian and his assistants as they guarded the royal capital. They got notice that Qi Rong was kidnapped and Xie Lian, ever a man god of action, left alone over the wall to fight them.

Hong siezed his chance then and followed him to the mountain, even after he was vastly outstripped by Xie Lian. He still caught up eventually to help Xie Lian deal with the plants, and sliced them down in a fit of anger while they tormented his hero. At this point Hong only ever wanted to pay back his hero for saving him, but was forced to watch Xie Lian harm himself rather than injure the child nearby. Indecency aside, Hong was probably enraged by having to watch his idol stab himself under the influence of demon plants. From there, it isn't hard to imagine Hong learning, perhaps as a young god himself, the exact effects of those demons. He would have learned that Xie Lian would rather sacrifice himself than kill another person. And even if he wouldn't die, he had been prepared to make that sacrifice. It isn't hard to imagine Hong becoming enraged at those demons Xie Lian had faced, before he had known what they would make him do. It isn't hard to imagine Hong, a nascent Demon King, seeking out and destroying all of those kinds of demons in a form of vengeance.

By this point you have probably arrived at the same conclusion as me: Hong/Hua Cheng/San Lang is in love with Xie Lian. He is pursuing him romantically (as well as sexually, though I'm not writing this essay about that) throughout the eras. Yada yada, this was in the summary Mo Xiang Tong Xiu provided with her novel, stop telling me this. I get it. But she likes to take an incredibly roundabout approach to storytelling, not addressing these things until at least 20 chapters later. As of right now the part(s?) when these things are discussed by the characters in-universe have not yet been translated. So forgive my redundance.

Mo Xiang Tong Xiu likes to give color schemes with her main pairings. This was true with Wei Wuxian (red and black) and Lan Wangji (white and blue). It also goes for Xie Lian and Hua Cheng as well. Xie Lian is white, and Hua Cheng is red and black. There might be other colors mentioned for both which I haven't picked up on, so I will only focus on those three. This essay began with everyone besides Xie Lian changing clothes. Hua Cheng changed into black clothes from a previous outfit which was a white robe beneath a red one. Let's examine how that color psychology helps him pursue Xie Lian's affections.

First of all, the red and white. Red is the color of passion, anger, excitement, and danger. It is attractive and alluring. These adjectives all describe the person Hua Cheng became over his 800 year existence. They were shaped by his determination and drive, his tenacity and his passion. His love for Xie Lian shows in his fixing the door, kissing him in the lake, sending up 3,000 lanterns. His love is the kind of unbounded, head-over-heels timeless love we have heard about in the Odyssey: he is the one seeking to find his way back home, back to the person he belongs with. He said so when he told Xie Lian (paraphrased) "Paradise Mansion is a house but not a home. It doesn't feel as much of a home as your tiny cottage does." When he is at the shrine with Xie Lian he is laughing and joking, offering to do domestic things simply because he is content. Here, his red is affection.

When Xie Lian is in danger, his red becomes the red of power and anger. After Xie Lian got stung by a scorpion snake, Hua Cheng immediately stopped the swelling by cutting the wound with a borrowed cauterized knife and sucking out most of the poison. When Xie Lian jumped into the pit after him, Hua Cheng had already killed all the wolves and was waiting to catch him at the bottom. Heavenly officials all told tales of how he caused only death and devastation in his wake.

Perhaps, if he hadn't had someone to look up to, he would have already fulfilled that prophecy of destroying the world.

But with Xie Lian's influence, he had someone to look up to. He had some model of morality in the Crown Prince who had saved him three, four, five times without even demanding thanks in return. Hua Cheng had plenty of time to learn about Xie Lian's compassionate and just lifestyle through hearsay and word-of-mouth news. He had plenty of time to analyze on the actions he'd seen Xie Lian perform firsthand and gain a reasonable grasp on his personal morality. By adopting some form of Xie Lian's moral code, Hua Cheng chose not to kill the entire world. He fought his so-called destiny with Xie Lian as assistance. Or perhaps? Perhaps his evil fate, bound far in the distance like a train stop down the track, was entirely shifted, a shifting of the rails so to speak, the moment he heard Xie Lian, the god who didn't appear to mortals anymore, whisper those words: "Live for me."

He truly took them to heart, although in a different way than Xie Lian probably intended. Rather than living out his life to make Xie Lian proud of him, he strove to become someone on equal footing to the pedestal in his mind he had created for Xie Lian. He strove to become someone who could properly charm Xie Lian and earn his trust. He wanted to be as powerful as Xie Lian was in his heyday. He wanted to have Xie Lian see him as a dependable and trustworthy person, but he probably ran into trouble finding the Flower Crown Prince after Xie Lian descended to the mortal realm for the second time. Everyone may have either made fun of Xie Lian when Hua Cheng asked after him, or flat out didn't care to learn or pass on his location. And so Hua Cheng made his own fortune, embraced his own power, became the Demon King who would kill everyone except the two gods who had formerly assisted Xie Lian.

If there is some plot to Xie Lian's second fall which complicates this somewhat--and knowing Mo Xiang Tong Xiu there probably is what with 135-6 chapters untranslated-- please know that it hasn't been translated yet, and that I am not a psychic. Anyways, when Hua Cheng 'first' appeared to Xie Lian, his clothing was crimson maple leaves on a white background. This shows that his own personality, vibrant and powerful, has been affected profoundly by the gentle, compassionate, noble personality of Xie Lian. He keeps Xie Lian's personality closer to his heart- and shows it to fewer people -than he does with his own personality. Hua Cheng said earlier on in the novel that he would give his ashes- his own biggest weakness- to someone worthy, someone kind who would guard them and do with them as they wished. And that if, at any point, he did something that person didn't like, that person could end him right then and there. Then he left the next morning, leaving Xie Lian with a ring on a silver chain. Suspicious? Hm. Coincidental? Very.

He has known Xie Lian for almost as long as Feng Xin, and nearly as long as Mu Qing has. He has known Xie Lian better than most other followers, since before he was a god. Hua Cheng even defied Xie Lian's orders of forgetting him, as well. That QianDeng Temple was probably built hundreds of years ago, as soon as Hua Cheng became a Demon King, and just sat there waiting for him to bring Xie Lian to see it. Since no one in the crowd was talking about it, and no one ever suggested going near it as a dare, it is reasonable to induct that Hua Cheng built it awhile ago, and Hua Cheng enforced strict punishments towards anyone who dared go near it. He probably tested out E-Ming on whoever tried to visit it, whoever commented on it, etc. Then the rumors got around that you'd be tortured for looking at it so everybody in Ghost City stopped. Once Hua Cheng showed QianDeng Temple to Xie Lian, he was probably nervous that he defied those orders, to forget the god whom he'd idolized, but luckily for him Xie Lian has a shitty memory and was impressed instead of embarrassed or angry at him. Xie Lian has mostly been ostracized from the Heavenly Community due to his infamy and wandering the mortal realms. He doesn't have people with a similar sense of humor to talk to, he's mostly lonely. Which brings us to the black robe: the role Hua Cheng dons in an attempt to win Xie Lian's favor.

In the yin-yang symbol, the two tapering swirls of black and white have a dot of the opposite color inside them. The white is the yin, and the black is the yang. Those two are eternally matched with each other for eternity, a profound meaning not lost on Hua Cheng when he chooses his clothing next. Since Xie Lian has no need to change his outfit, as he already blends in, Hua Cheng changes his own outfit to complement that. Yang energy in Mo Xiang Tong Xiu's novels is typically the energy of the dead, malevolent energy, the resentful power which a certain necromancer harnessed for personal gain. This kind of energy is what ghosts, demons, and the like all share, and as King of Demons it fits Hua Cheng to change to an outfit of its color.

However, the inherent paradox within their relationship is that fundamentally, Xie Lian and Hua Cheng are pitted on opposite spiritual axioms. This is much more complicated than the "opposites attract" adage; Hua Cheng has similar strategies and theories to Xie Lian about the cases they solve together. Xie Lian is happy that his funny password made Hua Cheng laugh. No, there's parts of their personalities picked up by the other and folded into them, whether consciously or not. Hua Cheng's persistence at following Xie Lian during the Qi Rong's rescue becomes Xie Lian's persistence at hunting the fetus spirit, even if he has to swallow it AND his sword to do so. Xie Lian's intervention on Hua Cheng's death becomes Hua Cheng sending "greetings" to tyrants because he has standards for who's allowed to be on the throne, you know. They reflect each other, both looking in a puddle of water, both dripping from the blood of their casualties, accidental or not. The difference is, Hua Cheng can bear that weight of casualties differently than Xie Lian.

Xie Lian considers himself a has-been. He was great once, but not anymore. He failed to do what he'd said he'd do, and paid the price with followers and powers. Hua Cheng, after getting back into contact with him, is just as smitten now as he had ever been before. He showed Xie Lian a roomfull of swords just to hear him ramble for hours about how cool all the swords were and then told him, point-blank, "You can have all these swords." This Demon King wants to give Xie Lian reasons to be happy and excited again. He wants him to go on rants about the stuff he enjoys just so he can watch and listen to the Flower Crown Prince talk, his eyes sparkling, his expression unguarded and happy like he once was.

After they visited QianDeng Temple together, Hua Cheng explained to Xie Lian that none of his things could be stolen from Paradise Manor without his permission. Elaborating further with "...once something is in my hands, it's mine," Hua Cheng might be simply making things up sarcastically. Or, it could be one of the times when he is deadly serious and every word is accurate. We as a reader can't quite tell if Xie Lian is fully processing this, but he thinks to the first time he met Hua Cheng in the Ghost City. There, Hua Cheng had placed his hands carefully over Xie Lian's to help him roll two sixes on the dice. Did that mean he had already claimed Xie Lian as his? Does Xie Lian know the romantic implications behind that? Did he recognize the romantic intentions behind Hua Cheng's kiss? Mo Xiang Tong Xiu experience says that he didn't, but the clues are blaringly obvious to the reader.

Xie Lian has never left Paradise Manor through a door without Hua Cheng by his side. He has left through the roof, but that was one time. It will be interesting to see whether he can leave by himself later. Casein point: Hua Cheng built Xie Lian's door. Did he use the same spell on it that he did with Paradise Manor doors? If so, how can Xie Lian use it when he's not around? A viable explanation is that by giving Xie Lian his own ashes, Hua Cheng has granted Xie Lian co-ownership of Paradise Mansion and he will be able to go wherever he wants at any time. Either way Mo Xiang Tong Xiu chooses, this will be an exciting result. Through all of these cues and more, Mo Xiang Tong Xiu has shown us Hua Cheng's dedication and loyalty to Xie Lian, with his words, actions, and clothing choice. His name, however, as a Demon King: Crimson Rain Sought Flower, is incredibly obvious. The white flower is a symbol he personally gave Xie Lian after he ascended the first time. In QianDeng Temple, Xie Lian even holds it up and asks if "...this is the kind of flower [he is] pursuing," to which Hua Cheng, delighted that Xie Lian finally realizes his romantic feelings, replies that he has the premonition of gods. Xie Lian had only asked about the flower, not himself. It is unknown whether Hua Cheng understood that, but either way his tone reads as teasingly sincere.

One last thing: the whole "falling" in love thing. Hua Cheng fell from the sky in order to first meet Xie Lian. He was probably chock full of adrenaline and scared to death, but once those strong arms caught him and held him away from danger he felt safer than anywhere else in the world. He probably wanted to know more about the person who had saved him. I bet he manipulated the info of who saved him out of Qi Rong when Qi Rong's five hitmen showed up to kill him. I bet just knowing the name of the person who'd saved him was what drove him to fight like a madman to avoid dying by Qi Rong's interference. That led him directly to the carriage's path again, and then to Xie Lian's arms again. He was calm when Xie Lian was holding him, but no one else. He didn't give a shit when the Head Priest predicted a future of only destruction, but heard Xie Lian insisting that he was capable of doing good. This fundamentally changed him as a person, even if Xie Lian didn't remember it later. This, I believe, is the reason why Hua Cheng left the world largely intact. Plus he didn't know where exactly Xie Lian was, so he couldn't just destroy large areas without possibly creating a most unwanted casualty.

Falling from the sky, beaten and dragged behind a cart, accused of bringing doom, watching Xie Lian stoically face angry crowds, asking the god who no one heard from anymore why he should live. Watching the flower demons torment his hero. Although many assume Hua Cheng decided to become strong enough to protect Xie Lian at this point, it could have been a resolve building up since their first interaction. Whatever the case, suffering through watching Xie Lian deal with the outbreak, face the angry mob, get heckled as he held up the Pavilions day in day out, that was the acute torment which fueled Hua Cheng's determination to become powerful. That this remains his worst fear, even after he now is at LEAST as powerful as Xie Lian in his heyday, says much about how much he loves Xie Lian.

Pursue his affections, he's the kind who loves with his entire heart. And since you wear a white robe, his color, close to your heart, perhaps he is the person nearest and dearest to yours...

#tian guan ci fu #long post #essay + analysis + headcanons #updated with the new information heheh

[linssikeittomies]

The Place Between Here And There - Another Excerpt From Ch 8, Would You Believe It?

Masterpost

If I cut the chapter a bit, it should be up in a couple days. If I don’t cut it, like I would prefer not to, it might take several weeks because of my desire to write sex scenes despite my inability to write them orz

--

“Point one: an emotional bond doesn’t break once a person is dead. To the dead guy’s family and friends he’s still important and they’re at a real vulnerable state of mind when they realize someone they loved is never coming back.” “You can skip the Emotions 101 lecture. I work in homicide, I know how families react to death.” “I bet, but I doubt you actually understand. That’s why I’m starting at the very basics.” “Alright”, Vanya drawled and rolled his eyes very theatrically. “Point two: to their loved ones, a dead person’s body is sacred. Seeing harm done to it is like seeing harm done to a live person.” “Yes, yes, I also know that desecrating a body upsets people. You can skip the basics, just tell me why I should care about a corpse.” “How can you not!” Al groaned exasperated. This was already going south. “Wait a sec, I have a point regarding that somewhere in here…” Vanya rolled his eyes again as Al flipped through his stack. He didn’t have an exact counterpoint, but he found a couple that were somewhat close. “Point six: a dead person was alive at some point, and you wouldn’t disrespect a living person, right?” Ivan cocked an eyebrow at that.  “Actually scratch that, you totally would. Point seventeen: a dead person cannot defend themselves, so it’s bad to accuse them.” Before, Vanya had merely been annoyed, but just then his whole being morphed into something that forebode bad news. The storm in his eyes darkened and he folded his arms. “Can Stalin and Hitler defend themselves anymore? People seem very comfortable with accusing them of horrible things. Things they were very much guilty of. Shame on those defamers”, he derided. “Stop that! You know they’re not the same thing as some random dude who just liked clubbing!” “What I’m asking is why are they different?”, Ivan countered, and honestly he was seriously starting piss Al off with his uncooperativeness. “Why is excusing one bad deed acceptable, but not others?” “Because Hitler killed millions of people! That’s why!”, Al yelled, vexed by the willful stupidity. “Dubois just liked dancing and having sex, his bad deeds didn’t kill anyone!” “There’s no need to yell, my hearing is perfectly fine”, Ivan said, the sarcastic little shit, intentionally making Al even madder. Well mission fucking accomplished! “You’re doing this on purpose! You’re just some psychopath who enjoys pissing me off!” “Excuse me?” Ivan said, his eyes narrowing into a poisonous glare. Al had known this would turn into a fight, he just hadn’t expected it to go bad this fast. What a fucking idiot had be been, thinking Ivan would ever listen to reason instead of his bullshit brain that fucking sucked at being human? “You’re fine with calling me a psychopath to my face while I’m still alive, but if I suddenly died you’d claim I was some saint?” “No! I wouldn’t! You’re such an asshole, can’t you just try and understand? I’m doing my best here, and you’re having none of it! Sit back down! Now!” Al took a deep breath and counted to twenty for good measure, while Ivan seethed silently on the couch. Thank the heavens for small miracles, just hearing him breathe would’ve set Al off at that moment. Once he felt he wouldn’t blow up at the sound of Ivan’s voice, Al started going through his notes again. #11: many people believe in life after death and want to believe their loved one has gone to a better place. No, that didn’t work here. #3: most religions consider desecrating a body - they’d already gone over that. #4, #5, no use, #6 had already failed, nothing in #10... Screw the notes, there was nothing good in them. Al took a deep breath to gather his thoughts. Time to advance into personal emotions. That’s what Al had been sure would work in the first place, and he didn’t need the stupid flash cards for talking about his own feelings. “Okay, let’s try another approach. You like me, don’t you? No, don’t say anything, you’ll just derail me. You like me, ergo you wouldn’t like someone talking shit about me. Just nod if you agree.” At least Ivan had the common sense to nod, and not shake his head. Because that would’ve been the end of their relationship, right then and there. “Good, so you’re following so far. Now, let’s say someone murdered me. Go ahead, picture it. As violent as you can make it. Like, ripped off limbs and such.” Al had been hoping for some kind of twitch, or grimace, but maybe Ivan wasn’t following the instructions or he was already so used to seeing beat up bodies they no longer phased him. Or, more likely, Al’s mangled body was exactly what he wanted to see right then. Ivan only continued glaring at Al without a single twitch. “Okay, now you’re standing there next to my body, and the murderer is there. And he’s calling me a slut who deserved it, and a faggot bitch and shit. Would you be angry at him?” “I think we have already established that I am very fond of you and will miss you dearly when you are no longer here”, Ivan answered without hesitation, while still glaring at Al like he was five seconds away from stabbing him. It was weird seeing someone so mad and still spouting romantic bullshit like that. If it had been Al, he would’ve said something along the lines of I’d buy the guy a drink! and stormed off. He would have regretted it later, sure, and for Ivan he might have even apologized once he had cooled off, but he could never in a million years have said something so sweet in a fight. “I would not hesitate to torture him to death, but what I struggle to understand is why I should venerate your dead body.” “Because that dead body is me, you idiot! Let’s say that murderer has you tied up so you can’t do anything, and he starts cutting off my junk or raping my body or something. Are you honestly saying that wouldn’t make you even angrier?” “No, why would it? You can’t feel it, you’re dead.” “Jesus christ, I give up! What you need is a shrink!” “So you’re done? Can I go now?” “Yes! And fuck you, don’t ever call me again!” “Wouldn’t dream of it”, Ivan muttered darkly and left calmly, like an eye of the storm passing through. That level of sociopathy could not be culturally induced, it had to be innate. Best to run for the hills before Al found himself at the wrong end of a gun. There was no fixing Ivan - something in his brain had sprained, probably all the way back in the womb. Al didn’t have the expertise and energy to deal with shit like this for the rest of his life. He couldn’t, and he didn’t want to.

#hereandthere #wip scene #tease #fan fiction #hetalia #russiaxamerica #RusAme #AmeRus #linssifanfiction #WIPtale