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sauntervaguelydown · 1 year

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easy home gardening suggestions

Are you bad at eating the vegetables you buy? Do you feel like everything goes bad before you can eat it? KEEP IT FRESH ON THE VINE. Or at least, pickle it yourself.

You will need: pots (plastic is fine, terra cotta is drier, glazed ceramic retains moisture best). Dirt (surprisingly cheap but very heavy). Sunshine (free).

(I live in a humid part of the USA, these tips are not meant for deserts)

Container options: all your containers NEED drainage holes, but if you're a freak like me, you can take any sturdy plastic thing with sides & a bottom and nail/drill/MELT holes into it. Storage tubs may be a cheap alternative. Don’t hold the tub upside down and melt the excess plastic with matches directly onto your human hand. Burn bandages are expensive. Or just steal old ceramic pots from your aging grandmother.

Container Gardening

BELL PEPPERS: if you get half a day at least of direct sun, you can grow bell peppers. They do want warm weather so either you have to put them inside your house in a very sunny window or wait until it's 70degrees F or more. Remember that flowers do need to be pollinated by SOMETHING. Note that if you're planting them in containers, deeper is better; bell pepper tap roots can go 3 feet down if you let them. Minimum of 12 inches. If you have time but no money, scrape the seeds from dinner and plant them. If you have money but no time, try to buy one sprouted from the local plant nursery. Outdoors you will get caterpillars, but in my experience they are very polite and do not attack the fruit, so they're fine. You can grow three pepper plants per foot diameter of dirt surface.

OTHER PEPPERS: generally all peppers have the same needs, although my hot peppers seem a bit less thirsty than my bell peppers. I bought some already-growing hot peppers from the local plant nursery and they have been EXTREMELY productive; some "hot" peppers like mine (a Holy Mole pepper) actually make great mild salad greens if you scrape the spicy seeds out & pick while still green. Minimum of a foot deep containers, deeper is better if you can manage it. Full sun.

SCALLIONS: with green onions/scallions, you know the big thick ones they sell in the store with the roots still on? buy a couple and plant them in a pot of dirt in the sun and you'll have infinite green onion leaves. They can stand freezing weather if you cover them. It got down to 20 F here and I still didn't lose them. No flowers involved, just juicy crunchy leaves. They only have to be in containers 6 inches deep minimum. DO THIS.

SALAD GREENS: container gardening works well for lettuce and mustard/mizuna. Lettuce needs regular watering, it has shallow roots. You just gotta plant Mizuna when it's cold enough for the seeds to germinate (40 F ~ish). Mizuna is a hardy little guy, tolerates heat AND cold. You gotta buy the seeds, but they're cheap. Follow directions on the seed pack. This can be done (theoretically) in a sunny window indoors since they do not need pollinators. It's all LEAVES baby.

LIMA BEANS. These have deep roots and they have long tall vines; if you have the space for the roots, and any thing LIKE a trellis for the vines, and sun, you can get so many goddamn lima beans for 0 effort. Forget about these suckers you can't STOP them from fruiting.

More below the cut bc this is getting long

TOMATOES are kind of an investment; they're easy to grow from seed but they need a lot of sun & a deep pot. If you want full size beefsteak tomatoes, try a tall, lightweight plastic pot with a lot of fertilizer & consistent watering. Don’t forget the tomato cages! Those beefy boys will pull your plant over sideways. The lightweight pot will allow you to move the pot inside if you have a sudden deluge of rain that will waterlog & split the fruit. You can try planting seed from harvested dinner, but you may end up with some much smaller tomatoes than what you harvested from. It’s something to do with commercial hybrids.

TBH i recommend growing a cherry tomato, you get more fruit and you're less likely to lose it to bugs/sudden rain/general bad luck. Buy some ripe in the store and harvest the seeds. Do not try to grow indoors, you need pollinators & sun. Sensitive to cold. Giant green caterpillars will try to consume your entire tomato plant. You must catch them before they succeed.

SPINACH is nutritious, but honestly don't bother with growing spinach past spring if you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, it likes the cold. I'm having bad lucky with it--it's either too hot or too wet or BOTH around here. My friend who gardened in the desert said they had good luck? It works in container gardens tho. Critters love to eat it. Maybe ask about it at the plant nursery.

ARUGALA: bought some already growing and it's a real champ, doesn't need much water. 6 inch depth minimum. NOTE: Once it flowers, you will not get enough leaves for a sandwich. Since then I've grown it from shed seed and it's very hardy--it actually put out a whole tap root through the bottom of my growpot and got down into the soil. Keep it watered when it's baby. The seed will sprout pretty much any time through the spring and summer.

CARROTS & BEETS:

Carrots are... more complicated. Unless you really like carrots or you really like gardening, idk if I'd recommend them for beginners. You start them from seed then thin them out so they're all at least 6 inches apart, and the seedlings wilt in the heat but they also don't like it when it's freezing so... I'm having a hard time with them. Maybe there's a breed that grows really well in your area? Ask at the local plant nursery. I did a "baby carrots" variety (sex seeds) and two survived infancy. One is still growing as of September. I'm hoping for more seeds.

Beets are less picky, and need a bit less water. But they do die off at the height of summer, so get them going while you can.

CELERY: basically the same, but less angry about the heat. Keep moist. Pick a bit & come back again for more. My seed packet said they should be ready to pick stalks in April but they definitely were not. July was really when they got big enough to eat.

ZUCCHINI: There's a lot of posts about how easy zucchini is to grow, but I think I'm in the wrong part of the country for it. Needs a lot of water, at least when it's hot outside. Definitely works for container gardening. Give it a 12 inch deep pot. TIP: put your old coffee ground in the dirt to increase the acidity. You will not get any fruit unless you have pollination, but pollinators also like to lay eggs on the leaves and eat them all to smithereens. Pickleworms have destroyed me two years in a row now. Cucumbers are the same way--and if you're gonna try cucumbers, buy a burpless variety to keep beetles away at least.

YAMS are pretty easy. They like the HEAT. They need 100% full sun. What you do is you buy a yam from the store, wait until it starts to put out growths, then (indoors) suspend it partly in some water until the green growths are at least 6 inches long. Then you can plant those growths in dirt. It's especially good if the growths have little white roots, but I've planted growths without any roots and they were fine. Healthy vines will put out runners. Suggestion: start in a deeper container but only fill it up with like 6 inches of dirt. When the yam vine gets long, add another few inches of dirt and bury some of the vine. Keep doing this until you run out of space and/or dirt. You get more yams this way. Harvest when the cold starts to make the leaves all sad and crinkly. Using fluffy light dirt makes harvest easier.

STRAWBERRIES: You'll get them one at a time, and they won't be very flavorful in many cases. They need pollinators, but squirrels steal them as soon as they're ripe. Keep under a net. They're also VERY hard to grow from seed. I have managed it, but the germination time is like... three months. Perfect container plants though. And in the summer they start putting out runners, and then you can MULTIPLY your strawberry content. Set them somewhere just out of the rain, so that the fruit won't swell up and split during a deluge, but remember to keep them moist.

BLUEBERRIES: fine for containers, although they need to be deep. Get at least two blueberry bushes so they can cross pollinate. Make sure that both varieties bloom at about the same time of year. Partial sun is fine. In winter it may go dormant but it comes back.

BLACKBERRIES and RASBERRIES are insanely low maintenance but bad for container gardening. They want a lot of space. You'd need a big container. Maybe a costco storage tub. Better off putting them in the ground, if you have a garden. But watch out, they spread.

A note about PUMPKINS: you can get a pumpkin seed to sprout basically spitting on it. I threw some dirt on a rotten halloween pumpkin and now I have a legion of leaves. However, getting them to fruit requires pollinators, and the vines take up space. I wouldn't try to grow them unless you have an actual garden with flowers (weeds are fine) or you just.... want a pretty vine to look at. Also they don't like the heat very much, even though they grow over the summer.

LEMONS: you can actually grow lemon seedlings from the seeds of regular ass grocery store lemons. They're supposed to be pretty easy to do but I haven't had much luck. Now that it's warmer out I'm gonna try again; basically just put them in some dirt and keep the dirt moist until a sprig comes up. you won't get fruit for like 5 years but the leaves smell nice. Tangerines are the same way.

I've put a couple over-ripe onions in the ground, but I don't think I'm going to get much out of it. There's a wikihow article on it. Basically you cut the bottom off an onion from the store, eat the top, and then treat the bottom like a yam. But you might as well just plant the whole thing if it's already started putting out green tendrils. Maybe you'll get flowers.

Herbs

hard Rosemary is actually difficult in most places bc it needs Mediterranean conditions ie. FULL sun, not a lot of water, warm weather. It starts to grow mold if it's not blazed 8 hours a day. Rosemary can get up to the size of a full ass bush if you give it the space. Needs 12 inches of pot depth. If you haven't got full sun, don't bother. I don't recommend growing these from seed--if you have a plant nursery anywhere near your home, just buy one there that is already established with roots. Cold hardy when large enough.

medium Basil has about the same sun needs as Rosemary, but it doesn't mildew. Basil will do the hydra thing and put out new heads of leaves if you snip them off. I'm growing it from seed and it's doing pretty good! Do not eat the flowers. Not cold hardy.

medium Ginger is a tropical shade plant, so you can grow it with no direct sunlight (it does need to get at least indirect sun). It needs really rich soil so you gotta go buy some bagged potting soil with compost, but literally you can get a healthy ginger from the store and sprinkle dirt on top and it ought to start growing. Especially if it already has little white or green fingers growing out of it. Give it a deep pot, 10 inches if possible. not cold hardy. If the soil freezes, it dies.

easy Mint: we all know it's insanely prolific. However I have managed to kill all my mint twice. I think I didn't give it a large enough container to spread out in. Aim for something at least 10 inches deep and at least a foot diameter. I know, it's a big commitment for an herb. Partial shade is fine. do NOT put it directly in the ground or it will take over. Cold hardy perennial (survives at 0 F and lower). It may go dormant but it comes back. Keep moist.

easy Oregano. Good boy. Precious child. More sun is better, and not a lot of watering. Pot only has to be 6 inches deep, though more never hurts. I've heard that cilantro and tarragon and thyme have the same root depth, but I've never tried growing them so that's all I know. If you're planting from seed, make sure it's hot outside and do Not bury the seed. It goes right on the surface of the dirt in the sunshine. 3 months from sowing to adulthood. Cold tolerant perennial; it may go dormant but it comes back.

easy Garlic: you might not be up for growing garlic from seed, but if you want to harvest the green stalks that grow up from the bulbs in spring, they are kind of like a cross between chives and garlic in flavor, and very safe to eat. Good in soup. Just buy some regular garlic and then forget it in your kitchen until the individual bulbs start poking up green shoots inside that papery wrapping stuff. Then plant them in some dirt with the green shoot pointing up. These bulbs survive VERY cold winters and thrive. It may go dormant but it comes back. If you let it go through a cold winter, you may get harvestable additional bulbs.

List of Flowers You Can Eat:

Nasturtium, violet, viola, coneflower, chrysanthemum, citrus blossoms, daisies (who knew), marigold, clover flowers (clover is good because it nitrogenates the soil). When in doubt, eat the petals only. Except for Nasturtium, i know you can eat those leaves and stems and all. They're kind of peppery.

There's actually a LOT of edible flowers I haven't begun to list. If you're curious, look into it.

Things you simply cannot grow at home: Vanilla. Cinnamon. Soy beans. Apples. Do not try. (Vanilla is an orchid. Orchids are Hard.) (Cinnamon is growable in Mexico if you keep it well watered.)

straight up, if you're gonna grow any of these, just google "how often water [x]" and then do that forever. Set a recurring calendar alarm. If they look wilty, increase how often you do it. Personally I water everything when the dirt looks dry, but that's because I'm an obsessive.

Anything sold in the store uncooked/undried that is either 1. a seed itself or 2. contains a seed (or 3. has roots attached) can PROBABLY be pirated. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Google is your friend.

Other Notes:

you CAN pollinate a lot of things by hand, if you're willing to put the effort in

"well draining" soil usually has compost material content mixed in. Sand is also well draining, but maybe a little TOO well draining. Basically, avoid clay if it needs to drain.

Most things do not need fertilizer all the time if you buy potting soil (it's pre-fertilized). However, growth costs nutrients. Keep that in mind.

You can steal dirt out of the ground for your pots but remember that it may be contaminated depending on where you get it (roadside? BAD idea). Also it's heavy as fuck. Plan accordingly.

Coffee & tea grounds are acidic and nutritious. (for plants) (don't eat them)

it's not actually a great idea to bury a moldy piece of fruit in a pot. You will get flies. I know it seems like a composting hack but don't do it.

You can put old wood cuttings & logs at the bottom of a container for plants that need a lot of nitrogen, like ginger. Make sure there's still an appropriate amount of soil between the wood and the surface.

potting SOIL contains dirt (sand/silt/clay), potting MIX is just organic matter (peat usually). Mix is fluffy, soil is denser. You can combine to get the advantages of both. Potting mix is usually a good bet for fruiting plants, but I've tried using plain ground soil for almost everything and the main problem is it just dries out faster. If you're putting things directly in the ground, just get some "gardening soil" to fill in around the roots a little bit.

pots are weirdly expensive. Scavenge and recycle what you can. I've used costco cranberry juice jugs for things, but the ridges in the plastic do retain water. Make SURE your pots are deep enough. And make sure they have a fair bit of surface diameter.

depression meal: boil one package of maruchan ramen, as many lima beans as your little hands can grab, chunk of scallion (chop if you have the energy, shred it with your fingers if not). celery? if you've got it. pour flavoring packet. add lemon juice. survive another day without scurvy.

A note on TREES

Citrus trees are easier to manage than some other kinds, but they do still need management. Citrus is very cold sensitive so if you can bring them inside as soon as it hits freezing at night, that is best. The trouble is they also need deep enough pots for their tap roots, which makes them hard to MOVE. Even with frost covering, I lost a lemon tree to a hard winter this year RIP. The good news is that after they've been in the ground about 5 years, you do not have to cover them as carefully anymore. I've got a 30 year old tangerine tree that went dormant this winter and then came back kicking, and I didn't cover it a single inch.

Peach trees are also fairly cold sensitive, but they need a minimum number of cold nights (40 F or lower) to produce fruit. So uh. Either cover them with a frost cloth as soon as it gets freezing out, or bring them inside in a big pot but leave them outside as long as you can. I wouldn't try to grow one from seed personally, but I've bought a couple saplings. Look for a variety that does well in your climate. Your local university might have made a hybrid.

You can grow and make your own tea leaves; the tree is a specific variety of Camellia. Grows well in the southern USA.

"pawpaw" trees are a fruit tree native to north-east america, cultivated by american indians. They're pretty cool. They grow well on the sides of hills. You can buy dormant saplings in the winter/late spring online. You need at least one male and one female. Deep tap roots.

You can GROW a banana tree, but you can't make it fruit unless you're in a tropical climate. I wouldn't bother. Even subtropical doesn't cut it.

Figs are cool but keep in mind that lots of people are allergic to their leaves.

In the case of most trees, long term, a pot is not a good idea, but for the first few years it's fine. Remember that every year the roots get bigger.

If you have a commercially sold tree seedling, the chances are it's been grafted at some point. If there's a knot or a notable bend in the lower part of the trunk, that's the graft point. Stuff that grows below that knot is going to be Not Delicious. Pick off growths below the graft point.

A note on COMPOST:

composting is a great way to enrich your shit, but watch out, because it also produces mildew, mold, flies, and scavengers.

The lowest effort version of composting is simply to take your tea leaves/coffee grounds out of the pot when you're done with them and let them dry out somewhere--a bowl or a tupperware, idk--then save them to mix into your potting soil later. Minimum amount of fungus, no bugs. You can do this in your house. Unbleached paper also works, and basically any "dry" organic material.

The more intense version includes things like egg shells, banana skins, things that will attract pests and grow mold. You don't want this in your house. Also the shells of beans, discarded lettuce greens, tops of strawberries--etc. Most of this stuff is of too little caloric value to attract rats, so it's okay to keep near your house.

But the more "food" stuff you start to add, like rotten vegetables and table scraps, the more rat appealing it becomes. Don't get over ambitious. That stuff needs to be 50 ft away from your house minimum.

#resources #gardening #cottage core #or something idk

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forabeatofadrum · 7 months

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The Class Menagerie

Summary: Kurt is a pre-school teacher at a school that has a huge variety of animals to care for. Unfortunately, one day, Kurt finds out that ten of them have escaped their cages. Luckily, a new trainee teacher named Blaine, offers to help him out.

Notes: Hello, hello, welcome to The Class Menagerie, my fic for the Klaine Back-To-School challenge, hosted by @the-lima-bean. There are animals!

The title was given to me by an anon on Tumblr, so anon, if you're reading this, thank you!!!!

Also, also, don't try to wrap your head around why this random pre-school in New York has this variety of animals. It is my fic and I get to decide the reality of the situation!

I hope you enjoy.

AO3 | S&C

Kurt is about to lose his mind. He has no idea where it has gone wrong, but it has gone wrong.

"Fuck," he yells, because he's fucked. He is so totally fucked. It's his third year as a pre-school teacher and this has never happened before.

He needs to reel in the swearing before the kids arrive. He also needs to fix this mess before the kids arrive.

They will be devastated if they find out that ten of the classroom pets have gone missing.

"Fuck!" Kurt says again. How did this happen? These animals are all specially cared for. They live here in special cages. This classroom is reserved for them. Kids come here to see the animals, not the other way around.

Suddenly, Kurt hears a voice.

"Everything all right in here?" he hears, "I heard swearing."

Blaine Anderson is leaning in the doorframe and he has no right looking that good while doing so. Kurt knows of him. Blaine joined this pre-school’s staff as a trainee teacher a week ago. He mostly helps out in Mercedes’s class, so Kurt hasn’t gotten a chance to properly talk to him yet. Sure, they’ve exchanged some words, but Kurt would love to get to know him more properly.

Unfortunately for him, Blaine just happened to walk into an awkward situation.

Then he realises that the animals might be in the room.

“Close the door!” he frantically yells towards Blaine.

Blaine is shocked, but he manages to do so.

“What’s going on?” he asks, looking alarmed.

“We lost ten animals,” Kurt gestures around. Blaine takes in his surroundings and he sees the empty cages. His eyes widen when the realisation hits him.

“How did this happen?” Blaine asks frantically.

“I don’t know!” Kurt answers, sounding equally frantic, “I came in around eight, since my class will visit the fur babies first, and this is what I found. I don’t know how long they’ve been out. Or how they got out in the first place.”

Blaine checks his watch and Kurt sees the realisation sink in. They need to find these animals fast, otherwise they will have to deal with a lot of upset and potentially crying pre-schoolers.

“Check every corner, now!” Blaine yells.

It doesn’t have to be said twice.

Both Kurt and Blaine sprint towards the corners, but to no avail. Kurt’s about to tear his hair out, which is saying something cause usually nothing would allow Kurt to mess up his hair.

Then he hears it.

“Shhhh!” he shushes Blaine.

“What?”

“Shhhhhh!”

It is dead silent and that’s when Kurt can hear it more clearly. It’s a squeaking noise. It’s the sound of a little hamster. Kurt and Blaine follow the sound.

“Let me check,” Blaine says and the next thing Kurt knows, Blaine’s on the floor. He’s trying to see if he can spot the hamster underneath the furniture.

Kurt looks at Blaine and he reminds himself that he’s at work.

“I think there is an animal there!”

“Toffee?”

“Toffee?” Blaine asks.

“The hamster is named Toffee,” Kurt says.

Blaine slowly gets up and Kurt holds out his hand to help him. Blaine takes it and once Blaine’s up, he doesn’t let go. He doesn’t seem to notice. Should Kurt comment on it?

“Who are we missing, apart from Toffee?” Blaine asks and Kurt reminds himself to stay focused.

“Uh…”

“Kurt?”

“Right!” Kurt snaps out of it and he gets out of Blaine’s grip. Kurt sees that Blaine quickly looks down to his hand, but he also doesn’t comment on it and Kurt turns away to check the cages.

Kurt quickly makes a list of all the missing animals and his frustration only grows. He knows that ten are missing, but now that he knows who are missing, it becomes more real. They’ve already found Toffee, but they need to find two baby rabbits, a baby ferret, a baby meerkat, one guinea pig, a chinchilla, a rat, a hedgehog and a mouse. Usually, Kurt is proud of this school’s boastful collection, but now he wishes that they weren’t known for this.

“Kurt, help!” he hears and when Kurt turns around, he sees that Blaine is stuck.

“What happened?”

“I tried to reach Toffee, to no avail! I tried to reach through this gap between the cabinet and the wall,” Blaine says, “Could you help me move this cabinet?”

“Oh Blaine,” Kurt laughs, “This cabinet has wheels!”

“… Oh.”

Kurt takes the brake of the wheels and Blaine uses his free hand to push the cabinet aside and Kurt has to stop himself from laughing. Blaine looks so bewildered.

“Well, Toffee is accounted for,” Kurt says as he reaches down to pick up Toffee, “Although I am afraid it’s not going to be as easy to find the others.”

Blaine checks his watch.

“What are we going to do?”

“Let me send a message to Rachel,” Kurt says, “She can welcome my class.”

Rachel isn’t a full-time teacher. She sometimes gives music classes to the kids, but Kurt happens to know that she doesn’t have a class this morning and she’s at school. She likes to get here early to prepare.

Kurt quickly sends her a message, explaining the situation.

Meanwhile, Blaine is listening attentively for more sounds. He’s following something.

“Kurt, I think I found something,” he whispers.

Kurt presses send and he hopes Rachel sees it in time, otherwise they’ll be in big trouble.

Blaine’s crouched down in front of a bookcase. The bookcase is filled with informative children’s books about all the animals in the classroom, including the one who is currently sleeping behind the bookcase.

It’s Waffle, the chinchilla.

“Waffle!” Kurt whispers excitedly.

“Did you all name them after food?”

“I didn’t name them,” Kurt answers, “Some kids named them and they aren’t all named after food. Most are, though.”

“What name would you give to your pet?”

Kurt stops and think. He doesn’t really know. He’s never thought about it, since his landlord doesn’t allow pets and even if they did, Kurt wouldn’t have the space.

“I don’t know. You?” he casts the question back.

“Mimi,” Blaine answers.

“Mimi,” Kurt repeats, “I like the sound of that.”

“Thanks, I’ll tell her.”

“You have a pet?”

Blaine nods happily.

“Yes, wanna see a photo of her?”

Kurt would love to, but just at that moment, Waffle chooses to wake up. Kurt and Blaine’s heads jerk back towards the bookcase. They can hear Waffle making noises. It seems like the chinchilla hasn’t moved yet, so now is their chance.

The bookcase doesn’t have wheels, though, so Kurt carefully stars taking books off the lowest shelf. He hopes that Waffle won’t be scared. Blaine is in position to grab Waffle.

It works and Blaine carefully puts Waffle back in the cage. Two down, eight to go.

“This is a nightmare,” Kurt groans out.

“At least we’re together,” Blaine laughs.

“Huh?”

“I mean, the two of us. Here. Two is better than one. We’re faster!” Blaine says quickly.

“Exactly,” Kurt says.

“So, uh, do you want to see a photo of Mimi?”

“Absolutely.”

Blaine whips out his phone and his background is a photo of Mimi wearing a rainbow bandana, so he doesn’t have to sift through photos. Mimi is a cute light brown cavalier king Charles spaniel. Kurt focuses on the bandana.

“Oh, yeah, she wore this for Pride.”

Kurt already heard through others that Blaine is gay, but this confirms it for him.

“Very stylish,” Kurt says back.

“How about this? Let’s have some fun!”

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

“For every animal we find, I show you a Mimi photo.”

Kurt lets out a laugh. Blaine is adorable.

“Deal.”

The two of them continue to search the classroom and Kurt thinks he can hear some stomping coming from one corner. He moves the furniture so that he can get a better view.

“Oh!”

“What?” Blaine asks from the other side.

“You should see this for yourself.”

Blaine moves to stand next to Kurt and his eyes also widen. Then he looks amused.

“This is why they call it breeding like rabbits,” he says.

“Do we… interrupt them?” Kurt asks.

“Maybe we’ll come back to these later. At least we know where they are now.”

Kurt moves the furniture back, now in a way to prevent them from easily running away from that spot, and Kurt and Blaine continue their search.

They find Noodle the hedgehog in the open cupboard with all the food. Kurt carefully wraps him in a towel so that Kurt won’t get hurt. Blaine cleans up the bag of food that Noodle demolished.

Afterwards, Blaine shows Kurt a photo of Mimi wearing a raincoat.

Blaine then has the idea to use the leftover food to potentially lure an animal out of hiding. He places it on the ground and he and Kurt move behind the cages. Lo and behold, Crumpet the guinea pig crawls out of a box with toys.

Even though Blaine is the one who came up the plan, Kurt still feels like he’s being rewarded when Blaine shows him a photo of Mimi sleeping with her head tucked between her paws.

“It’s so dark in here,” Kurt says, “Maybe some additional light will help the search.”

Kurt then draws the curtains open and Nathaniel the rat jumps on him from the windowsill. Kurt shrieks in shock and Nathaniel jumps off him and runs away.

“Bad girl!”

Blaine runs after her and dives to the floor in order to prevent her from hiding in another tight spot.

“I got her!” Blaine yells, “I got- Ouch! She bit me!”

Luckily, instead of hiding in that tight spot, Nathaniel zooms across the classroom. Kurt tries to catch her. He feels a bit bad for her, because she is clearly stressed, so Kurt makes a mental note to tell the kids to give her an extra treat later.

“Nathaniel, please just work with us!”

“She’s named Nathaniel?”

“Yes! Again, kids named these animals!”

Eventually, both Kurt and Blaine push her towards a corner. Luckily, she doesn’t jump on Kurt again, or Blaine, so they manage to carefully pick her up. Blaine places her back into her cage and Kurt’s left behind to clean up the poops, because Nathaniel pooped in fear.

By the time everything is clean, the bunnies have also finished their business, so Kurt and Blaine put them back in their cages as well. Luckily, they were too tired to run away. Besides, Kurt suspects that they don’t mind being in the cage as long as they’re together.

“That calls for 3 Mimi photos!” Blaine says.

“We fucking need it,” Kurt says back.

“Language, Mr. Hummel!” Blaine laughs.

“The kids aren’t here yet. Let me have this.”

“You can have this instead,” Blaine holds out his phone to show him a photo of Mimi running in the grass. Then he swipes to one of Mimi chewing a toy, and then to one of Mimi with a squirrel.

“That’s Watson,” Blaine explains, “He lives in Central Park and he’s Mimi’s best friend.”

Kurt coos. Of course Mimi has made a friend in the park.

“Alright, three left,” Kurt says and he quickly checks his phone. Rachel has sent him a thumbs up emoji and Kurt lets out a sigh of relief. He’ll deal with the repercussions of all of this later, but first he and Blaine have three more animals left to catch.

“Where the hell could they be?” Blaine ponders out loud.

He has a point. Kurt feels like he’s scoured every nook and cranny of this classroom, but he is still missing something. The windows have been closed this entire time, and apart from the moment Blaine came in, the same goes for the door. They must be somewhere.

There are some more cabinets with closed doors. They never checked that, because how the hell would these animals get in there?

Still, it doesn’t hurt to look.

Kurt and Blaine go through all the cabinets and indeed, they find Cookie the ferret sleeping between some blankets.

“How did this even happen?” Kurt asks.

“I have no clue,” Blaine says, as he carefully lifts Cookie out of the cabinet.

“These blankets do seem more comfortable than the cages,” Kurt says.

Blaine puts Cookie safely away and then shows a video of Mimi. She’s singing along with Blaine, who is playing some simple piano melodies and Kurt’s heart swells at the sight of Blaine. And Mimi. Mimi, too, of course.

Luckily, watching the video has an added benefit. Bear the mouse reacts to the sound by peeping. Kurt and Blaine follow the sound and find Bear in another closed cabinet. It’s an old one, so Kurt can see that Bear ate part of the door to make an entrance.

“Bear the mouse?” Blaine asks.

“Again, kids!” Kurt says as he puts Bear in the cage, “Someone thought it was funny to name a small animal after a big one.”

“I wouldn’t call Mimi Hedgehog or something.”

“You’re no fun,” Kurt teases.

Mimi is indeed a small dog. The photo of her standing next to a big tree illustrates that.

“One more!” Blaine says cheerfully.

Kurt smiles. His eyes fall on the clock. School has started, but it’s alright. Rachel will keep his kids entertained and all things considered, they’re doing this fairly quickly.

Right?

Twenty minutes later, Kurt realises he was mistaken.

They cannot find Sebastian the meerkat.

Meanwhile, Rachel is trying to message him, asking for how long it’s going to take. She obviously has to be discreet, since she cannot be on her phone while teaching the kids, but it makes it all a bit more complicated, since they can’t just call.

Blaine’s bowtie is untied and he looks stressed. Kurt’s certain he also looks messy. They’ve uprooted so many pieces of furniture in these past twenty minutes and that is exhausting.

“Can I go on the record and say that I fucking hate Sebastian,” Blaine says.

“Who’s swearing now?” Kurt says with mock horror.

“You were right. It is necessary.”

“Where could he be, though?” Kurt sighs.

“Maybe we need to change our approach,” Blaine says.

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

“What do you suggest?”

“Maybe we need to startle him, so that he comes out of hiding. We can make a loud noise.”

“Hm. That’s an idea.”

“There’s one downside, though.”

“Hm?”

“We will disturb the other animals, and I don’t know if I can handle that. Emotionally.”

Kurt looks around and he also doesn’t like the idea. Cookie is still sleeping peacefully and Nathaniel has finally calmed down.

“I don’t think I can handle it either, but what choice do we have?”

“Yeah…” Blaine nods solemnly.

“What noise do we make, though?” Kurt asks, “We also can’t make too much of a mess, because it might scare the kids.

“I have a whistle.”

“Why do you… carry a whistle?” Kurt asks.

“It’s to remember my marching band days,” Blaine says and he reaches for something in his pockets. It’s his key ring and there is indeed a small silver whistle attached to it.

“I didn’t know you marched!” Kurt exclaims.

“I mean, we haven’t really gotten the time to get to know each other yet,” Blaine points out.

It’s true. There’s a lot that’s left to discover and Kurt likes the idea of that. He wonders how Blaine will react when he finds out that Kurt was on the football team for a short while and that he was a cheerleader for a little bit longer.

“Maybe after all of this, we can hang out more,” Kurt suggests.

“You can come and meet my dog!” Blaine immediately says.

“I’d love to!” Kurt beams.

“How about this? If we find this meerkat, you can meet Mimi in the flesh!”

“How will that work? Is she here at the school?”

Blaine turns a bit red.

“Erm. Uh. I meant you could come over to my place after work.”

“Oh.”

“I- You don’t have to, if you have plans! Or whatever reason! You don’t have to justify a no if it’s a no-”

“Blaine, it isn’t a no!” Kurt quickly says.

“Ah,” Blaine looks relieved, “Good.”

“We better find this meerkat, then, if me meeting Mimi is the pay-off.”

Blaine nods and he blows his whistle. As expected, a lot of the animals react and Kurt feels like a terrible person, but it has the desired effect. Sebastian the meerkat shows up from God knows where and starts running around the classroom, jumping on furniture, throwing off things, and creating chaos in general. It doesn’t help that Kurt and Blaine are frantically chasing him.

“Fuck!” Blaine yells as he trips over something and goes down.

Since Kurt was running right behind him, he, in turn, trips over Blaine and lands right on him.

“Ouch!” Kurt says.

“At least you landed on me,” Blaine groans.

“Are you hurt?” Kurt asks.

“Nothing is wrong. I managed to catch myself. I just lost some of my dignity.”

Kurt rolls off Blaine. Blaine also rolls on his back, and to Kurt’s surprise, Blaine starts laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Kurt asks, aghast.

“Just… You know…” Blaine laughs some more.

“What?”

“This is the weirdest things that has happened here at work,” Blaine says through his laughter, “And we work at a pre-school, Kurt. Kids do crazy shit.”

“Like naming a mouse Bear,” Kurt says and he also starts to feel a bit giddy. This is ridiculous.

“Exactly!”

The two of them lie on the ground, just laughing. They can’t wait to tell the others in the staff room. Kurt turns his head to Blaine and he’s surprised to see Blaine staring back. Kurt wants to say something else, but he doesn’t know what. The laughter has been replaced by a comfortable silence.

Kurt wants to reach out. He’s no longer on top of Blaine, since that’s the appropriate response, but he realises he misses it. That’s weird.

But before Kurt can even make up his mind about it, he feels something on his legs.

He looks at his leg and he sees Sebastian the meerkat crawling around.

“Uh.”

“Stay still,” Blaine says and he slowly gets up.

Sebastian the meerkat walks up towards Kurt’s face. By now, Blaine’s crouching next to Kurt, waiting to grab this damned animal.

Unfortunately, the meerkat must have crazy reflexes, because the moment Blaine tries to reach, he jumps off Kurt and runs away. Blaine loses his balance and falls face down on Kurt.

“Fuck this meerkat!” Blaine yells against Kurt’s chest.

“This meerkat seems to have a secret agenda to have us fall on each other,” Kurt jokes, “Now you’ve landed on me.”

“There are worse things to land on, I guess,” Blaine says and he lies there.

“Uh. Blaine?”

“Yeah?”

“We should get up and find Sebastian.”

“Right!” Blaine says as he gets up. He holds out his hand to also help Kurt up.

Sebastian is once again nowhere to be seen, so Kurt and Blaine look around, but he’s gone. Or so it seems. Where the hell can a meerkat be?

Blaine takes out his whistle.

“I can do this again…” he trails off. He doesn’t want to and Kurt understands. It was a last resort and it scares the other animals.

Maybe they need to give up. Kurt can explain to the principal what happened and all ‘animal care’ lessons have to be put on hold.

Kurt sighs and he checks the other animals to see if they’re alright. He pets everyone, apart from Noodle, because the spikes would hurt him. He gives Nathaniel an extra treat. He chuckles when he sees that the rabbits are cosied up together. He says hi to Sebastian. He is happy to see that Cookie is still asleep. He-

Wait a second.

He backtracks.

He stops in front of Sebastian the meerkat’s cage.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kurt hears Blaine from behind. Kurt can understand the sentiment. Sebastian is in his cage. They couldn’t find him the second time around, since Sebastian straight up moved back on his own.

Kurt quickly closes the cage door.

“Well… At least all animals are accounted for.”

“Oh my God,” Blaine says.

“Does this still count for the Mimi photo requirement?” Kurt asks to lift the mood. It has its desired effect because Blaine loves the photos and the photo of him and Mimi on the beach does not disappoint.

And just like that, it’s over. Kurt quickly fixes his hair and Blaine also ties his bowtie. They have places to go. Kurt has a group of pre-schoolers to look after and Blaine also has to prepare some stuff for work. They’ve already lost valuable time, so they need to get going, but a part of Kurt doesn’t want to. As wacky as this was, it was also kind of fun.

Blaine coughs.

“Anyway. See you later? We can meet up in the staff room, or I can send you the address.”

“What?”

“For the Mimi meeting.”

“Oh, of course!”

Blaine opens the door. He waves and then walks out of the classroom. There’s nothing left for Kurt to do, so he leaves as well.

When he arrives at his own classroom, the relief on Rachel’s face is evident. They play it off in front of the kids and they don’t ask a lot of questions. It’s time to get to work.

Blaine’s apartment is very small, but Kurt likes it. The best part is that Mimi immediately runs towards them.

“Did you miss me?” Blaine coos as Mimi jumps against him and Kurt’s heart swells, “I missed you too!”

Kurt crouches down and Mimi tilts her head.

“This is Kurt, he’s a friend, and we had quite an adventure today,” Blaine tells her.

Kurt holds out his hand for Mimi to sniff it. He passes the test, because Mimi licks it.

“She likes you,” Blaine says.

“I like her too!” Kurt says and he’s beaming. Mimi is very playful and Kurt pets her. She revels in it. At one point, he scratches her head and her head tilts back and she squints her eyes. Kurt’s about to burst.

He looks up and he sees Blaine looking down with adoration written across his face. Kurt gets it. He’s only known Mimi for a few seconds and he’s already willing to go to war for her. Kurt’s certain he has the same smitten look on his face.

“You can carry her, if she wants you to,” Blaine says.

“How do I know?”

Blaine kneels down next to Kurt and Mimi.

“Just kneel in front of her and stretch your arms. If she’s willing, she’ll jump into your arms, so you must catch her.”

Kurt tries it and Mimi is eager to be loved, so she leaps into his arms.

“Look!” Kurt turns to Blaine, with Mimi pressed against his chest.

“I’ve never seen her warm up to someone this quickly,” Blaine sounds a bit amazed.

Blaine helps Kurt get up and Kurt carries Mimi to the living room. Blaine gives him a small tour of his place and he asks if Kurt wants coffee. Kurt can’t say no to that!

Kurt cuddles Mimi and Blaine talks from his kitchen. He tells Kurt how he adopted Mimi. A friend of his had a dog who unexpectedly got pregnant, so Blaine and his friends adopted all of the babies. They still have reunions with Mimi’s mom and siblings.

“I have pictures!”

“Please show them!”

Blaine returns with coffee and the two of them spend the remainder of their time together looking at pictures of adorable dogs. It starts with Mimi and Mimi’s family, but then Kurt learns that Blaine also volunteers at a shelter when he has the time and he has many pictures of animals there.

“That’s partially why I hoped to do my traineeship at our pre-school,” Blaine explains, “I like that this particular pre-school has the animals. I want to become a teacher because I love working with kids, so it’s a win-win.”

“Well, it’s important to learn kids from a young age how to care for other life.”

“Exactly!”

“My three-year-old niece once wanted to pet a friend’s rabbit, but she just started slamming that poor animal’s back. Luckily, my sister-in-law stopped her.”

“That sounds unfortunate.”

“How did you get into teaching?” Blaine asks.

Kurt lets out a sigh. It isn’t a big marvellous story. Teaching wasn’t his dream growing up, but that is fine. Sometimes you work hard on something, only to realise that it isn’t what you want after all. That’s what happened to Kurt. He was enrolled in a drama school, but he wasn’t feeling it. This only stressed him out, because he’d worked hard to be accepted into the school. He thought that acting on stage was his dream, so it really messed him up when he realised that it wasn’t true.

Still, he saw no way out. He was committed to finishing his degree. Then in his second year he had to do an internship and he did it at a school. He helped out in a drama department and it was as if the clouds in his head parted. He realised that he was still young and that he had his life ahead of him, so he made the big decision to quit drama school to learn to become a teacher.

During that time, he realised he preferred the pre-school age.

“And here I am,” Kurt wraps up his story.

“Here you are!” Blaine laughs and it’s a nice laugh.

“I’m glad I ended up at this school, even though our principal makes, uh, questionable decisions sometimes,” Kurt says, “But don’t tell principal Sylvester I said that!”

“My lips are sealed,” Blaine pretends to zip his mouth shut, but then he immediately says: “I am also glad I ended up there, even if I am just a trainee. It’s a great place, with amazing extracurriculars and other extra ‘classes’.”

Kurt hums in agreement.

“And, uh, I met you.”

Kurt looks up in surprise. Blaine is staring back, looking a bit nervous. Is he trying to flirt?

“I’m glad you joined our team too!” Kurt says, just to be safe, but then he adds: “I’m even glad that the two of us had our little adventure this morning.”

“Yes, although I will forever detest Sebastian.”

Kurt shrugs.

“I don’t. Because of him, we had more time together.”

Kurt really, really hopes he isn’t overstepping and that he understood Blaine correctly.

“Yeah, that is one way to look at it,” Blaine says back with a smile.

Kurt wants to say something more, but then his phone beeps. He knows what it is. He set an alarm for himself. He’s meeting up with some other people, but he so desperately wanted to meet Mimi and see Blaine, so he added this to his already busy day.

“Ah. I… have to go.”

Kurt puts his empty coffee cup down and he lets Mimi jump off his lap. He already misses her warmth.

“Okay.”

“But thanks for having me.”

“Always. Mimi loves you.”

“And I love her,” Kurt says and on a cue, Mimi barks.

Blaine walks Kurt to his front door and Kurt realises he really doesn’t want to leave, and that he wants to stay here with Blaine and Mimi, but he’s made these plans with the others weeks ago so he really cannot bail.

“Will I see you again?” Kurt asks as he puts on his coat.

Blaine has an amused look on his face.

“We will see each other tomorrow at work, remember?” he says.

Kurt lets out a small laugh. He knows that, but that’s not what he meant.

“Outside of work, dummy,” Kurt clarifies and Blaine turns red, either from embarrassment or something else.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“With Mimi?”

Kurt thinks about that. He loves Mimi and he’d love to see her again, but the idea of just going somewhere with Blaine sounds appealing as well. He tells Blaine that. Blaine turns even redder and Kurt’s pretty certain he must look the same.

“Are you, uh, asking me on a date?” Blaine asks.

“Yes,” Kurt says, “Interested?”

Blaine nods eagerly.

“Definitely. I’ve been meaning to get to you know me ever since I first saw you!”

“Ah well, as I said, maybe it’s a good thing that 10 animals escaped this morning,” Kurt says.

His phone beeps again. Shit, he really needs to go if he wants to catch his train.

“I’ll text you, okay?” Kurt asks.

“Okay.”

“Yeah.”

And with that last eloquent word, he leaves Blaine’s apartment.

They have their first date the weekend after. It’s nothing glamorous. They have coffee at a local place and then pick up Mimi to go for a walk.

It’s absolutely perfect.

Blaine’s also picked up a picnic blanket and the three of them bask in the sun in the park. There’s a fenced off area for dogs, so Mimi can roam free and Kurt and Blaine take a lot of photos, because they can.

But all good things come to an end.

Blaine’s rolling up the picnic blanket and Kurt’s holding Mimi and scratching her behind her ear.

“See you on Monday, huh?” Kurt says.

“Yup.”

Kurt holds out Mimi so Blaine can take her. It’s time to go.

And Blaine does want to take her, because Kurt’s pretty sure he wouldn’t get away with kidnapping Mimi. Kurt moves closer so that he can put Mimi in his arms.

Once Mimi’s settled, she nestles herself in Blaine’s embrace and Kurt’s heart melts. He wishes he could just kiss Blaine.

And then Kurt realises that maybe he can.

He can’t help it. Blaine’s so close and Kurt leans in.

Blaine realises what Kurt’s aiming for and he doesn’t seem opposed to it, which is a win.

Kurt presses a kiss on Blaine’s lips as a goodbye. Blaine kisses back. Mimi lets out a bark, which makes Blaine laugh. It’s a bit awkward, because there is still some distance between them, since they don’t want to squash Mimi.

So Blaine puts Mimi down, much to her annoyance, but Kurt sees that as an invite to pull Blaine closer and he kisses him again.

That Monday, Kurt and Blaine see each other at the pre-school again. On their way to the staff lounge, they pass the classroom with animals.

“We should thanks them,” Blaine says, which makes Kurt adore him even more.

He’s right. They should.

Kurt opens the door so that the two of them can take a peek inside. For a split second, Kurt’s worried that some of them have gotten out again, but once he looks inside, he sees that all the animals are peacefully in their cages.

“Thanks guys,” Kurt whispers.

“Yeah, thanks! Even you, Sebastian!”

Kurt closes the door and the two walk to the staff room, hand-in-hand.

End notes: I hope you enjoyed. And that you love Mimi as much as I do. You can check my meme tag for memes about her, because I am me. And a shout out to @cerriddwenluna for naming Bear the mouse (kinda, she suggested naming a small animal after a big one) and @raenestee for naming Noodle the hedgehog and Nathaniel the rat.

#klaineb2schallenge2023 #holy fuck I wrote #2023 #glee #klaine #one shot

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astroluvr · 2 years

Text

i literally cannot sleep, so here's a drabble based on some upcoming noah!jack. it's not perfect or anything i planned on writing, but there is a little something something in there lol. hope y'all enjoy this is extremely mediocre piece :)

***

You sighed as you waddled to the phone, it seemed so much farther away than it did when you left it there. Of course, your reward was the relief that came with sinking into your plush sofa and taking the weight off your ankles.

Jack being the caller was an added bonus.

"Hi, baby." you both breathed into the phone at the same time, a smile creeping across your face.

"Hi, Jack." you giggled, leaning into the phone as you got comfortable on the couch. "How was it?"

"Baby, it was fucking electric. You have no idea, I wish you would've been here. It's the biggest crowd I've ever had. I mean, all these shows have been, but these ones knew lyrics I didn't even know."

You felt yourself grow emotional as you listened to your fiance talk on the other end. Pride swirled around you in a way that was almost unimaginable. These three months would be the longest you were apart since you met three and a half years ago and it was hard, but it was worth it. This was Jack's biggest tour yet, arenas and sold out festivals that you watched from a distance. Of course, you and Noah appeared at a couple of shows, but it was nothing like the smaller tours and it was a little more overwhelming which landed you back at home and awaiting your nightly phone calls.

"I wish I could say I'm surprised. You had all this coming, J. I'm so proud of you." you told him sincerely, resting a hand on your stomach. "So proud."

"Thank you, Y/N. I don't know, it's just... so different and I love it, but I'm always going to miss playing the intimate crowds. I'll always miss having you out there."

"Oh, you know I'll be back out there. Outrapping all your groupies."

"Shut up," Jack laughed dismissively and you could see his big smile and the way he was shaking his head without actually seeing it. "I'm not thinking about anyone else when I have the finest baby mama with a rock on her finger."

"Yeah, remember that when you're coming home to a meatball." you snorted, picking at a loose thread on your socks as Jack laughed loudly. "It wasn't that funny."

There was a beat of comfortable silence like there always was when the two of you talked, a moment where you two became so immersed in your love you forgot that you were even supposed to be talking.

"How are my boys?" he asked finally, his voice softer.

"They're amazing. Noah's getting so big and smart, he's got his alphabet down and he's starting to eat his veggies which is amazing."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope, today I put lima beans on his plate and he frowned a little, but he ate them and he liked them. He asked if he can have some tomorrow."

"Tell him I'm proud."

"I will, but he knows. I took a picture of him eating them and I meant to send it to you, but I fell asleep after dinner." your cheeks warmed and Jack gave you a tired chuckle.

"That tells me all I need to know about the other two, then."

"Sure does. They're the size of avocados."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm. Right now, it's like only being pregnant with one."

"According to you or doctors?"

"According to doctors who've never had to bear the Harlow bloodline." you scoffed, rubbing over your swollen stomach. "You know we can't keep calling them boys, right?"

"I'll be home the day we can find out. I'm putting money on them being boys. Twin boys, that's crazy." he exhaled.

"You were crazy about the idea of daughters."

"You never know." Jack murmured, and you nuzzled into the couch, placing the phone on your chest. "And how's my girl?"

"She's tired and hungry all the time and she misses you a lot."

"And somehow all of those things are my fault, right?"

"Yes, they are." you laughed, rubbing your eyes tiredly. "But I'll let you slide this time. Only because I really, really love you and you're doing really, really big things."

"I hate that I can't be there, Y/N. I hope you know when I'm not on that stage, I'm miserable."

"Hush, Jack. You deserve all of your success and you're working hard to take care of all of us, so enjoy it."

"I know, but you have Noah all on your own and everything else. You're tired all the time and you deserve a break, but I'm so far away all I can think about is you and Noah and the twins and what I'm missing. This is great, it's what I wanted, but I feel like it's shit timing."

"You'll be home soon enough, but for right now, just enjoy yourself. I know that there's nothing I can't call you for. And trust me, I will call."

Jack hummed gratefully and you pulled the throw blanket from the back of the couch. "I can hear the sleep in your voice, baby. Don't fall asleep on the couch."

"I won't. I'm just going to take a little nap."

"A little nap, okay." Jack said skeptically and you smiled. "I'll call you and Noah in the morning, baby. I love you."

"Love you more, Jack."

#i don't have high expectations for this but SURPRISE!#i don't wanna spoil it in the tags but it'll get bought up again bc this is genuinely just a boredom piece #noah!jack #jack harlow #jack harlow fanfiction #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow fluff #dad!jack #drabble

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magicbrush · 2 months

Text

@ghostbustingreen

❛ hey, hey! lima bean! why does dad call you BABY GIRL? ❜

#˚₊ ⋆ 🔥 ー scared ya huh bet ya thought it was my papa 𓈒 ( ic ) .#ghostbustingreen #// HE KNOWS TOO MUCH

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conarcoin · 1 year

Note

Giggeli - Penis Candles & Soaps Handmade in Kallio, Helsinki, Finland

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+800 Nicknames for Penis: A Comprehensive List for Different Ways to Call a Penis

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Dicks can be referred to in a variety of ways. A collection of more than 800 additional words for the penis in alphabetical order is provided in this article. This list includes both common slang terminology and more uncommon and obscure words that are all related to the penis.

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Anaconda

Antenna

Appendage

Armadillo

Arrow

Baby maker

Baguette

Bald Avenger

Bald-headed giggle stick

Bally Wacker

Banana

Banger

Baseball bat

Baton

Bayonet

Beast

Beef bayonet

Beef whistle

Bellend

Big boy

Big guy

Biscuit

Bishop

Black mamba

Blastocyst

Blood sausage

Blue-veined custard chucker

Blue-veined junket pumper

Boaby

Bobbin

Bollocks

Bologna pony

Bolt

Bone

Boner

Booboo

Boom stick

Boot

Bopper

Botswana beef bayonet

Bouncer

Bouncing Betty

Braciole

Brain

Branch

Bratwurst

Broccoli

Broccoli spear

Brown trout

Brownie

Brutus and the Twins

Bubble

Bubble gum machine

Buckaroo

Buckwheat

Buddah's belly button

Buffalo soldier

Bulge

Bull

Bull's-eye

Bully beef

Bully stick

Bum tickler

Bumper

Burrito

Buster

Butt dart

Butterbean

Button

Caber

Cabeza

Cactus

Cadbury's c

Cajones

Camel toe

Cane

Cannoli

Captain winky

Capuchin

Carrot

Cervix sentinel

Chameleon

Champignon

Cheese log

Cheesestick

Chef's special

Cherub

Chicken

Chico stick

Choad

Chode

Chopper

Chowder

Christmas goose

Chub

Chubby

Chuck Dickens

Cigar

Cinnamon roll

Clam

Classic

Clit stick

Cloak

Clock

Club

Cobra

Cock

Cod

Colossus

Commander

Cone

Conga

Conquistador

Consolation prize

Corkscrew

Corn dog

Cornholio

Cornish game hen

Corporal

Cossack

Cougar bait

Coxcomb

Crank

Crankshaft

Creamer

Crimper

Crimson mushroom

Crinkle-cut

Crown jewels

Crunchwrap

Crème de la crème

Cucumber

Cummerbund

Custard launcher

Cylinder

D's

Dagger

Dallas Dangler

Danger noodle

Darth Vader

Deep sea diver

Dick

Dickas Hilton

Ding dong

Ding-dong

Dingaling

Dipstick

Disco stick

Dismount

Divining rod

Dog

Doggy

Dolly

Dong

Donkey

Doorknob

Dope stick

Dork

Dormouse

Double barrel

Double dragon

Downstairs department

Drainpipe

Driller

Drumstick

Dude piston

Dumb stick

Dutch courage

Dutch rudder

Excalibur

Firehose

Franks and beans

Gerald

Gherkin

Giggeli

Goldfinger

Groin

Hammer

hammer of love

Hammer of Thor

handle

hard drive

Hard-on

hardware

hatchet wound

he-man

heat-seeking missile

heat-seeking moisture missile

helmet

herbie

Hercules

high hard one

hoo-ha

hoo-hoo

hook

horn

Hose

hose

hot dog

hot rod

hot sausage

Humphrey

hymie

iceberg

Indiana Bones

Jack in the box

Jack's magic beanstalk

Jackhammer

jammy

janitor in the hallway

java

javelin

jawbreaker

Jedi

Jefferson

jelly doughnut

Jenny Craig

Jerry

jiffy stick

Jimmy

Jizz Launcher

John Henry

John Johnson

Johnson

Jorma

Joy-stick

Joystick

joystick

Judge

Juicy fruit

jumbo

Jumper

Junior

Junk

junk

justin

Justus

Kaiser

kebab

Keck

Kennedy

kielbasa

King Ding Dong

King Kong

King Richard

King size

King snake

King's scepter

King's sword

Kipper

Kitty

Knob

Knobgoblin

Knobhead

Knobkerrie

Knobstick

Kraken

Krull the Warrior King

Kulli

Kyrpä

L'Engin

L'Outil

L'Unita

Lady-pleaser

Laidy's lollypop

Lance

Lancer

Lava flow

Leader

Leaky faucet

Leatherman

Lechon

Leek

Leg

Leg of lamb

Leg of mutton

Leggy

Lemon

Lemondrop

Length

Lengthy

Leo

Leosaurus

Leper

Leroy

Leviathan

Libido

Lick

Lickety-split

Lighthouse

Lightning rod

Lil' bro

Lil' willy

Lily

Lima

Limber dick

Limber jimmy

Limbo

Limousine

Limp biscuit

Limp noodle

Limp penis

Limp-dick

Limp-jim

Limpkin

Lincoln

Lindy

Lingam

Link

Linty

Lion

Lipstick

Liquidator

Liquor stick

Lissome

Little birdie

Little bro

Little chap

Little guy

Little head

Little john

Little man

Little peter

Little soldier

Little willy

Lizard

Lizard tongue

Locomotive

Log

Lollipop

Long Dong Silver

Long dong silver

Long fellow

Long john

Long johnson

Long one

Long stick

Longfellow

Longfellow diller

Longhorn

Longie

Longjohn

Longshanks

Longstaff

Magic Mike

Magic stick

Magic Wand

Magic wand

Manhood

Meat Scepter

Meat stick

Member

Micropenis

Mini-me

Missile

Moby Dick

Mojo

Monster

Mount Vesuvius

Mr. Happy

Mr. Winky

Mule

Mushroom

Mushroom Head

Mutton

Myrtle

Nard

Nether rod

One-eye Pete

One-Eyed Monster

One-eyed monster

One-Eyed Snake

One-eyed trouser snake

One-eyed wonder weasel

Organ

Package

Packer

Packing heat

Pecker

Pee-Pee

Pee-pee

Peen

Pencil

Pencil dick

Penile appendage

Penile shaft

Penile tissue

Penile unit

Penile weapon

Penis

Pepperoncini

Peter

Phallos

Phallus

Piece

Pink Oboe

Pintle

Pipe

Pistol

Piston

Pleasure Stick

Plonker

Pocket Rocket

Pogo stick

Poker

Pole

Popcorn

Pork Sword

Prick

Private

Private part

Purple-headed yogurt slinger

Purple-helmeted trouser snake

Purple-Helmeted Warrior of Love

Purple-helmeted warrior of love

Purple-helmeted yogurt thrower

Python

Quiver bone

Ramrod

Ranger

Rascal

Red-capped mushroom

Rod

Root of Jesse

Rude boy

Sausage

Scepter

Schlong

Schwanz

Schwanzstucker

Schwetty balls

Scooby Snack

Screwdriver

Scrod

Scrotum

Sea monster

Secret weapon

Shaft

Shillelagh

Shiv

Shlong

Skin Flute

Skin flute

Skinner

Slingblade

Slug

Slugger

Smacker

Snake

Snapper

Soldier

Spam javelin

Spear

Speed Bump

Speedboat

Spigot

Spigot of love

Spitstick

Spitter

Sponge

Spongebob

Sprout

Spunk gun

Spurt gun

Squirt gun

Staff

Stallion

Stand

Stand up

Starfruit

Stick

Stiffie

Stiffy

Stinger

Stock

Stone

Stone of David

Stonehenge

Stonker

Stopper

Striker

Stud

Stump

Submarine

Sugar stick

Super soaker

Supercock

Surfboard

Swamp lizard

Swansong

Sweetmeat

Swiss Army Penis

Swizzle stick

Sword

Tabasco

Tadger

Tail

Tall tommy

tally

Tallywacker

tallywhacker

Tang

Tank

tapa

Tassle

Tasty pastry

tater

Tazmanian devil

Tea and crumpets

Tea stick

Telescoping tower

Tent peg

Testicle

Testicles

testicular tissue

testiculi

testies

testons

testosterbone

The anaconda

The baton

The big guy

the big vein

the bishop

The blue-veined custard chucker

The chopper

The cone

the conga

The cyclops

The ding dong

The Dipstick

The dong

The driver

The dude piston

the eye of the needle

the family jewels

the flagpole

The flesh flute

The flesh rocket

the fleshy tripod

the fuck stick

the fun rod

The grower

the head

The heat-seeking moisture missile

the hose

The joystick

the King

The knob

the little man in the boat

The love muscle

the magic wand

the main vein

The male member

the man in the boat

The meat whistle

the member

The middle leg

The mighty mite

the old boy

The old man

The one-eyed captain

The one-eyed monster

the one-eyed snake

The one-eyed wonder worm

The package

The peen

The peeper

the pendulum

the peter

The pink cigar

the pink oboe

The pipe

the piston

the pleasure pole

The poker

The pole

the pork sword

the prick

The purple-helmeted warrior

the purple-helmeted warrior of love

The python

The rocket

The rod

The salami

The sausage

The schlong

the scoop

The shaft

The shotgun

The skin flute

The snake

the spitter

the staff of life

the stick

The stiff one

The stinger

the stonker

the sword

The third leg

The tool

The trouser snake

The tube steak

the unit

The wang

the weasel

The wedge

the wee-wee

The weenie

The whopper

The wiener

The wiggle stick

the willy

the wingwang

The womb raider

The wonder worm

The woody

the worm

thingy

Third Leg

Third leg

Thorn

Thrill drill

Throb knob

throbber

Throbbing gristle

Thumper

Thunderbird

Thunderbolt

Thunderstick

Tic Tac

Tickle pickle

Tickler

Tiger

Tiki

Timber

Time machine

Tingler

Tinker

Tinkerbell

tip

Tip drill

Tip of the iceberg

Tipper

Tissue

Titan

Toad

toadstool

todger

Toe

Tool

tooly

tooter

Toothpick

Tootsie roll

Top gun

Torch

Tower

Tower of power

tractor beam

Trafalgar

Treasure

Tree trunk

Tri-pod

Trinket

Trombone

Trouser Snake

Trousersnake

Trumpet

Truncheon

Trunk

Tuba

tube

Tummy banana

Tuna Can

Tuna can

Tuna torpedo

Turgid Trouser Snake

Turgid turtle

turkey

Turkey baster

Turkey neck

Turnip

turtle

Turtleneck

Tusk

twanger

Twig

Twig and Berries

Twig and berries

Twinkie

twinky

Twister

Two ball cane

Two veg and meat

Two-legged Boa

Two-legged tripod

twonker

Umbrella handle

Uncircumcised wonder

Uncle

Uncle Dick

Uncle John

Unit

unmentionables

Uzi

Vainilla

Vainilla Stick

Valiant vein

Veggie

vein

Vein train

Vein train.

Vein-cutter

Vein-erect

Veined custard launcher

VeinMaster 3000

Veiny Victor

Veinzilla

Velvet sword

Vessel

Vienna Sausage

Viking horn

Viking Staff

Vindicator

Vinegar

Violin

Virility

Vixen

Vodka

Volcano

Wally

Wand

wand of light

Wang

wang dang doodle

Wanger

wangle

Wangsta

Wanker

wankie

War club

Warrior

Weapon

Weapon of ass destruction

Weapon of mass destruction

Weapon of Mass Seduction

Wedge

Wee-wee

weenie

weewee

Weiner

wenis

wet noodle

Whacker

Whammer

Whang

Whangdoodle

wheenie

Whip

Whistle

White gold

White Mamba

Whoopie Stick

whopper jr.

widget

Wiener

Wiener Schnitzel

Wiggle stick

wiggle worm

Wiggler

Wiggly

William

Willow

Willpower

Willy

Willy the one-eyed wonder worm

willy wonka

Wing wong

wing-wang

Wingman

Winkie

Winky

Winnebago

Winner

Winston

Winston Churchill

Wintermelon

Wisdom Wand

Wise man

Wishbone

wizard sleeve

Wonder Worm

Wood

Woodpecker

Woody

Worm

Wormhole

wormy

Wrecking ball

Wriggler

Wriggly

Wrinkle

wrinklepump

Wrist Rocket

Wyvern

X-factor

Xylophone

Yad

Yak

Yam

yam

Yam bag

Yams

Yang

Yankee doodle

Yard

Yardstick

Yawing Yowie

Yearling

Yellow

Yellow Belly

Yellow Dart

Yellow dragon

Yellow Peril

Yellow Sausage

Yellow submarine

Yen

Yew

Ygdrasil's staff

Yin-yang serpent

yingyang

Yippie

Yipsicle

Yo-yo

Yob

yobbo

Yoda

Yoga stick

Yoghurt Cannon

Yoghurt gun

Yoghurt pistol

Yogurt

Yogurt hose

Yogurt Slinger

Yogurt slinger

Yogurt thrower

Yolk

Yolkstick

Yolky poke

Yoni

yoni stick

Youth

Yoyo

Yuca

Yule log

Yum yum

Yum-yum

Yummy

Zapper

Zealot

Zebedee

Zebracorn horn

zebu

Zen

Zephyr

Zeppelin

Zesty Italian

Zeus

ziggurat

Zigzag

Zilla

Zinger

Zipper

Zipper Ripper

Zipper snake

Zippy

ziz

Zog

zombie

Zombie maker

Zombie stick

Zonker

Zoom Stick

Zoombini

Zoomer

Zoot stick

Zorro

Zucchini

Zygmunt Freud

Zygote poker

Zygotene

dude?

#long post #penis anon

34 notes · View notes