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emiisanxious · 3 years

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A Weird Kidnap - Chapter 1

Archive of Our Own Link

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Category: Gen

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Characters:

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders

Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders

Deceit | Janus Sanders

Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders

Morality | Patton Sanders

Logic | Logan Sanders

Thomas Sanders (Video Blogging RPF)

Additional Tags:

Angst

Past Abuse

Alternate Universe - Medieval

Swearing

Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders

Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders

Kidnapping

but for a good reason

Cursed Character

Panic Attacks

Comfort/Angst

Please read chapter 3 notes for this mentions:

Eating Disorders

Slavery

Implied/Referenced Torture

Blood

Degradation

Taggin as the chapters goes...

Summary: “Virgil is a Prince who has no idea what a Prince is, kidnapped by Remus who is a mess, he is everything but at the same time nothing with the help of Janus. Because they were asked from Prince Roman. The question is, why?

Also: I'm bad at summary.”

Note: Small note: Yes, it's a fantasy AU, but does have modern things in there because I can. I'm not sure where this idea came from, I just... wanted to do this I guess.

"Shit! He got skinnier since I met him!" Remus was running away, holding on to his shoulder an unconscious male, around 30 years old no more than 1,66m. As a mercenary, he did mind kidnapping people, but it was a valid reason. "Dee you had the stupidest but brightest idea ever in accept that!"

The person called Dee, was around 1,72m, and his 25 years old, half of his face has scales, but he didn't mind as he kept running shooting magic to distracting whatever who was following them. "Shut up! I can't focus if you keep yelling!" They soon found out what they were looking for, a forest. No one dared to enter there during the night as it was dangerous.

"We are almost there, stop shooting." The kidnapper was starting to jump on the threes and obviously disappearing, soon he was followed by the mage, it took almost half of the night, till they are free from the guards. Setting a camp, and rest from all the chase. Remus was 23 years old, but he was taller in his 1,94m, he was also the strongest physically.

"I can't believe he is still a prince?" Remus said in disbelieve, now looking at the guy in question, his clothes weren't fancy, he was using well-used jeans, and a hoodie that was larger than him. Sure his clothes weren't easy to create and were done just for the prince so it was expensive but other than that? "This guy is... more skinny is that even possible?!"

Janus turned his eyes for the Prince who they just kidnaped, honestly? If he didn't know better, he would be confused as the mercenary. "Yes, he is." Brushing the fringe from the sleepy man he could see dark circles that meant that he didn't sleep in ages or at least wasn't well-rested. "I think now I know why your brother wanted to kidnap him."

"Heh, who knows what percussion it will have? I don't care, just need to return the favor." Although he said that, he was concerned, it wasn't like he didn't have a heart or didn't care for others, but he could shut up those thoughts as he puts more wood on the fire. "Rest a bit, I will take the first turn."

The mage nodded, liking or not he sure does need to rest to restore his magic, as he lays on the ground. Falling asleep quickly, he already knows Remus for a long time, so he could trust enough for that.

The mercenary stayed there quietly, looking at the night sky sometime later, he heard moving at his side, looking for the confused man who was just waking up.

Virgil was confused, his legs were tied together and his hands behind his back, panic started to rise quickly as he started to remember what happened. He curled on himself, as he tried to make himself thinner than he already was. His breath was getting chaotic and he couldn't keep calm.

"Hey dude, calm down!" He heard a voice, although he didn't have the strength to open his eyes to figure out who. "P-Please... D-Don't hurt me..." He whispered, he knew better than anyone that pleas won't work, but he couldn't help but do it, even though he was cursing under himself for how weak and raspy his voice sounded.

"I won't hurt you." The voice has a slight confusion but for the most part, was trying to keep calm and nonchalant.

"Please don't hurt me... I will be good just... Don't please. I won't run away again! Just please don't..." Virgil's voice was more steady than previous, and obviously, by the glassy green eyes, he wasn't talking with Remus, as he started to sob and cry. Murmuring pleas for not be hurt.

The mercenary was at a loss what he should do he wasn't good at comforting, so he moved to shake the sleeping male. "Dee, wake up." He kept moving the other, as finally, his partner was awake. "Don't look at me like that, but I can't... I don't know what to do... So help me?" It was sincere as he opens space for Janus to look around and soon returning where he was sitting in silence.

The mage finally understood why he was awakened as he looks to the Prince who was still murmuring pleas for not be hurt, again. "Tsc..." He tried to touch the smaller but was met with a flinch, so he just sits there in front of the other. "Hey, Virgil?" He tried to sound calm, but the other flinched more when he heard his name. "Vee?" That time the Prince didn't flinch. "Can I touch you?" A shake, well at least he was meeting with responses than just pleas.

"Intru, be alert okay? I will untie his hands" He didn't give the mercenary time to think, he was already untieing the other's hand. "Vee, look to me." Janus could see the clear fear behind glassy eyes. "I'm going to pick up your hands okay?" He moved the other slightly so both of the Prince's hands were over his chest. "Now, follow my breath." The mage wasn't sure if it was going to work or not, but he stayed there, with both hands around each of Virgil's wrist, breathing calmly as he locks his eyes with the other.

It was more than 20 minutes or so when the Prince calmed down. When he finally did, he looked more tired than before, Janus thought for a bit before untieing the Prince's feet. "Are you more calm?" Deceit asked as he looked at the Prince.

"Yeah..." Virgil wasn't sure at all if he should feel relief or anxious for what would happen next, but, at least for now, he was calm enough. Biting his lower lip as he locks his eye on the campfire. "So... What will happen to me now...?" He wanted to say how his father wasn't going to pay anything for him, and how useless it was to kidnap him but, he felt scared that they would kill him.

"Now? We are going to bring you to my brother." Remus said in disgust, nothing against Roman, but he was more butterfly, good and selfish, something the mercenary couldn't handle.

"Your... Brother?" That wasn't at all what he was expecting, he thought in tortures, or blackmail, or slavery. "What your brother wants with me?" Curiosity was winning against him, as Virgil dared to look to Remus, but it wasn't him who answered, it was the other male, who funny enough now that Virgil was looking at him, he had a nagging feeling that he already knew this guy.

"Who knows?" He wasn't going to lie to the guy, not after the panic attack the other just had, but that was obviously the worse thing to say as he could see Virgil starting to panic. "Okay, okay, stop, his brother asked for us to kidnap you, make them believe you died, or something. And bring you back to him." Janus looked to the Prince waiting for him to say something but as he didn't he kept talking. "People call me Deceit, he is called Remus, sometimes Intrusive. Remus's brother is called Roman. Do you know? Prince Roman?"

"Roman?" He had to wreck his head to remember from where this name was so... Familiar. It took him a couple of minutes till he was able to remember. "Oh... Oh! I do. He was a Prince that came once... And he never said he had a brother..." Virgil finally was starting to loosen up, although not so much, and was still scared. But for now, he was calming down his anxiety. "Why he would want me...?"

"That is something you need to ask him not me. Now I recommend you sleep, we are going as soon the sun is out." Janus said as he lays down again.

"As if..." Was all the Prince could answer as he at least tried to feel comfortable on the ground, it was more soft than the floor honestly, but it was still a bit weird, as he stares at the sky. "I did miss been able to do this..." His voice was quieter as he just enjoys the stars.

"What?" Remus finally said, as Janus was sleeping he tried to keep his tone quiet to not wake him up.

"Look at the sky? I do love seeing the stars... It calms me down..." He was uncertain as he kept his eyes open looking at the sky. "And sorry... But for more, you guys want to walk fast tomorrow I will be a dead weight... Literally."

"Okay, you're confusing me on so many levels, that is weird for me to say it. Just spit out and all." Remus didn't have the same calm or patient as Janus, but definitely was trying there.

"I'm useless and worthless and dead weight, I can't do anything on my own, and for more that I do know all the royal things, my father just... I'm a Prince just because my father needed one. But we are far away from that... I was called a slave, was treated like one, or even worse than that... I can barely walk around the castle without feeling tired. My point is... I'm sorry but... it would be more... Wiser. To just tie me up in a tree and let me die." It was a lot of self-hate, but he couldn't help, those two were gentler than anyone he had contact in the past 20 years.

Remus fall silently, he can't help in a panic attack, but he does can help with self-hate, he just didn't know if he wanted to. A long sigh as he just turns his eyes to Virgil. "Stop, those are the things that your father wants you to believe, so he can keep abusing you and treating you like shit. So you're tamed and won't lash out. So stop."

"How can----"

"I can say that because... You helped me. The day when I run away from my home, I found you... 8 years ago... When I was 15, I left my home, tired of being my brother's shadow I got into this realm and got in as a slave. You were the one who helped me to flee. I should have tried to bring you with me at that time but... I couldn't. The small-time I was here I was the slave who brought you food and water... Helped to wash your body... One day..." Remus lost himself as he closes his eyes looking at the sky again. "Dee found me, Dee was the mage of the realm where I came from, he came to make company for me and keep me safe. That is when I run away for the second time, you helped me to flee successfully."

Virgil was at loss, was it just 8 years? Sure it felt more like 20 years, was he so lost in that situation, that he lost the ability to count? He had to wreck his mind again to try to remember a 15 years old kid helping. "Oh..."

"You weren't useless or worthless, if you didn't help, I couldn't flee with Dee. The reason why I didn't argue too much about kidnapping you was because... I knew. I knew who you were, what you passed. My brother rarely goes to find me but... He did... He found me, after those 8 years, to ask me to bring you. So... Look, I'm the worse in comfort someone just... Things will change, for good Virgil. I promise. And even if my stupid brother can't help you, at least you can join me and Dee if you want." Remus smiled slightly as he moves to look at Virgil's eyes. "Just, hang in there."

This time, the Prince did start crying, but it was from relief than anything else, he could feel Remus moving to hold him on his laps and so resting Virgil's head on his shoulders, turning soothing circles on his back. "I'm sorry... For leaving you there... But... I'm back." Remus's voice was soft as he tries to calm the smaller.

Where he didn't wait to hug the kidnapper. Although he wasn't sure about what would happen when he found Roman again, he at least could trust Remus for now, soon he was sleeping on the youngest lap.

The next day, as the Prince warned, he wasn't able to walk that much, he forced himself to at least go out of the forest, but as soon they were out, he would fall on the ground. Shivering as the pain passed by all his body, all the time he didn't try to flee, instead he was holding Remus's hand with his life.

"Remus carries him, it will easier." Deceit said in a sigh, like Remus, he does know the Prince, most by the time that Roman was visiting that kingdom.

"I---Idontwannabeabother..." Virgil said way too quickly to anyone understand, yet Remus didn't care as he just piggy-back him. "Calm down, relax." With that, it was easier to travel. As they do small talks between them.

"So... Remus went from Prince to Slave to Mercenary to Kidnapper?" Deceit was mocking the other.

"What I can say, I'm unpredictable like that." It was lunchtime, so they stopped in a mountain where Remus was resting from carrying Virgil all the way there. "Virgil?"

The prince looked for Remus, tilting his head. "Hm?"

"Aren't you going to eat?" Deceit was the one to ask.

"I was supposed to?" It wasn't an answer but clearly expressed what he was feeling right now.

Remus looked to Deceit, and they both sighed. Although Remus was trying very hard to not show rage. "I should have killed that king." Was all that the mercenary said, before getting up and going outside the hole they were.

Deceit sighed again as he picked the food and brought it near the Prince. "Yes, why shouldn't you?"

"Because... Normally I would only eat when I was good? And definitely, I wasn't. I did Remus carry me all day."

It was easy to see the shock on Deceit's face, opening and closing his mouth a couple of times till he could found the words. "Virgil. I will do a series of questions and I want you to answer, whatever you feel like and if you feel like."

"Okay...?"

"Do you know what is take care of yourself?"

"No."

"Do you know what is love?"

"No. Well... Father said that what he did was for love, but... I remember that the gardener said it wasn't. But then said gardener was dead in the next day..."

"Did someone said bad things about you? For example: You're worthless, useless, or something like that?"

"... Yes..."

"Did your father abused you?"

"Define abuse..."

"Treated you like he treats a slave?"

"Oh sure. He told me that was normal... Isn't it normal?"

"No. No! You're a Prince!"

"What the difference between one and another?"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me, what your father told you?"

"Father said I would learn it when he passed away. He also told me that till there I would be his slave and do whatever he wanted. Sure he taught me how to portray in parties and what I should or not speak, to keep some sort of image, but he also told me that it was normal. For princes be slaves till the king passes away."

Virgil could see Deceit passing a hand over his head super annoyed. "For whatever is more sacred in this world. Your father is a dick, asshole, an opportunist, he is worse than the seven demons. REMUS!"

Soon he could see the mercenary back, where he was kinda surprised to see Deceit so... Angry. "Yes?"

"I'm going to hunt our dinner, can you stay here?"

"Yes...?" He looked confused as he looks at Virgil. "Dude, you still didn't eat?!" Although he could see the Prince flinch with the question and move back on the rock. "It's not... Calm down. I'm not..."

"Remus, he lived till now as a slave... Abused by his own father, he doesn't even know what abuse was! Or worse what a Prince is. I... Just make him eat okay? I will be back." Deceit said moving away and disappearing from there.

"Hey, how about... I start to call you Vee? Is that okay?"

"Yes..." His tone was lower as he hugs himself, scared.

"So Vee... Can I help you eat?"

"But I... Don't deserve... I did you carry... And I wasn't good..."

That broke his heart, yet Remus did move slowly closer, to sit next to Virgil, placing his hand where the other could see. "Here, look to me." With a bit of time, the other did so. "I want you to eat okay?"

"I... can't..."

"Why not?

"Because... I wasn't good, I don't deserve it. I did you carry me all the way here, and I can't stop thinking that I did something wrong, because you two seemed to be upset and angry..."

He took a deep breath as he looks at the Prince. "So... Didn't you answer Dee's questions truthfully?"

"Yes...?"

"Then that is enough for your reward. I just carried you because it would be a bother to stop all the time and... You did nothing wrong, we are upset and angry about something else. So can you eat at least something?"

Virgil took a moment to think about it, sure enough, he would receive food when he was good physically but he would also receive it when he gives good answers or just doesn't talk something wrong. "Yes..." As he moved to pick up the dry ration, although he would break it in half, giving Remus the other.

The mercenary didn't like it, half of the dry ration wasn't enough till dinner, but he supposed that at least it was something. Well, it was better than the dry bread and half of the water glass that Remus remember to bring to the Prince.

It wouldn't take too much for Virgil to finish it, although the sun was moving and it was already half of the afternoon by the sun. "Deceit right? Isn't he taking too long?"

"Yeah..." Remus needed to agree as he sighs. "But I believe in him, he will be back soon."

"Can I... Sleep? Till he is back?"

"Sure." The silence was soon back, turning his eyes at Virgil he felt bad, honestly, bad... He hated that king, he hated what he did with his own son! How he did that?! Why?! Honestly, he was glad that Roman asked for that. Hell, he was glad that his father wasn't that bad, sure he always did point how Roman was better, but at least he didn't abuse them!

When the sun was gone, Janus was back, with a horse. Holding the animal's leash and so bringing inside the cavern they were. "Let's pass the night here and tomorrow we can move."

"Did you..." Remus wasn't sure what he wanted to ask right now.

"I exploded some trees, I also picked up some apples, and then I went to pick up a horse because it's nicer than been carried around."

"Well... You will need to find an excuse for that." Remus said sighing as he shows up the half of the dry ration and explains what happened.

"They... Messed up so much... Shit." Deceit was furious and angry if he could he would kill that king himself. "Fine, luck for everyone I can think about excuses like that."

"You know... Well... How about we relax? Chess?"

"Chess."

#Virgil Sanders #Remus Sanders #Janus Sanders #Roman Sanders #Patton Sanders #Logan Sanders #C!Thomas Sanders #fanfic

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hchan · 3 years

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(pt.1) ahahaha aww! :’> that’s so great to hear and no worries about when you get back to me ahaha we all got lots of other things on our hands i’m sure of! ^^ and AHHH!! a very happy birthday to him! ^^ I hope he and you and your family all had a great time celebrating together! :’) and I absolutely agree! All the joy and love going around is always a pleasure to be around ^^ And aw having a lot of your family owning farms sounds really lovely!

HIIIIIIIIIIII💖

(pt.2) There’s a lot of farms around where I live and seeing them whenever I’m commuting is really like, there’s something about them that makes my heart really warm if that makes sense! :’DAND AHH did I shadow write this bc 👀👀👀 THAT’S A BIG MOOD AHAHA I’m a big introvert myself as well and in a way I’m a bit thankful to have so much time away from things to kind of mentally recharge I suppose? LIKE HAHA don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my friends but I’m also a bit of a homebody as well

(pt.3) and in a way I’m a bit thankful to have so much time away from things to kind of mentally recharge I suppose? LIKE HAHA don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my friends but I’m also a bit of a homebody as well >< and!!!!! I’M AN INFP AND A SCORPIO AS WELL AHHhHhh??? what a coinky dink! I also just did a couple things to find out my life path number and it’s 4! (from what I’ve read about so far I can’t say it’s 100% accurate to myself though! ahaha maybe 50/50 😂I’ll definitely look into

(pt4) it a bit more though!)AHH ME TOO they’re kinda dangerous for me 👀 but I can definitely say that more about stationary stores! 😂😂😂 atm I’m not working on anything specific in particular but I’m an art student and so you can definitely say that craft stores are kind of a second home to me LOL but I was mainly just checking out different kinds of mediums I can add to my paint! ^^ I’m definitely a big window shopper so I didn’t make any purchases this time haha :’D And AHH I feel that!

(pt5) That’s definitely a hard decision! >< I remember being curious about when they were dropping their season’s greetings this year and they had literally dropped them later that day and i was like!!!! 👀 I stayed strong and held off for this year since I was saving up to buy both versions of pt.2 (which pleasantly arrived today woohoo!!) But OOF if they had released an nct 2020 season’s greetings...... consider my bank account empty LMAO And yes I love playing games! Ooh I’d say ac is

(pt6) definitely a favourite since I’ve been playing the series since I was a kid but hMM at the top of my head, I also really like botw, undertale, earthbound, maplestory and osu! ^^ hbu do you like any other games? (and ooh if you ever get ac, feel more than welcome to add me! ^^ I’ll gift you some cute stuff on there hehe ^^) AND OOOOOH HORROR!!! horror’s a lot of fun! do you have any favourite horror movies? I can’t say I’ve watched a whole lot of horror recently (I actually watched Eli

(pt7) around Halloween and it was alright! Definitely worth a watch with the slow unravelling of everything! ^^) but my favourites would probably the two It movies! I’d also definitely recommend anything from A24! I haven’t watched a whole ton of horror from them other than Hereditary but they do have a pretty solid selection and from what I’ve seen from some of their non-horror titles, their film quality is just 👌👌 (I also watch this really great horror movie based youtube channel and they do

(pt8) mainly film summaries/reviews and they’re a lot of fun to watch since they do a lot of lesser known films too ^^) I’ve also been meaning to watch the original Suspiria movie! The cinematography in it is super beautiful 🥺 I’m also a big chill/r&b/lofi fan as well! 🥺 perhaps to go with your gift, I’ll also throw in a playlist of recs for you! ^^ and I’d absolutely love to hear some of your favourites! Ahh absolutely! Cooking for others is always such a sweet gesture :’D also here’s a

(pt9) recipe for you! Unfortunately tumblr won’t let me send links but! if you google betty crocker cake mix crinkle cookies, it should be the first result! It’s my go to recipe for everything whether it’s someone’s birthday, there’s an event going on at school or if I just feel like making something easy and sweet! There’s also only 4 ingredients (plus vanilla if you want but it’s not necessary) and you can use any flavor of cake mix or even add additional chocolate chips/fillings if you want! ^^

(pt10) I’ve tried it with red velvet cake mix and white chocolate as well as with vanilla cake mix and crushed oreos and they always come out super great! ^^ And aw that’s okay! :’))) What song drew you to them? Oof personally I feel like an nct granny LOOOL I remember the day smrookies dropped jeno’s teaser photo and I thought he looked SO YOUNG (jokes on me tho bc I’m only about 6 months older than him HAHAHA) and yeah for sure!!! it’s so wholesome to see! ^-^ AND!!! absolutely xiaojun this era

(pt11) just.. let’s say he reALLY rode up my bias list in the shortest amount of time AHAHA and yesss 90s love was super cute! (my inner Canadian is thriving at the whole hockey concept LOOL) and AHH when everyone else joined in and theY ALL SANG FROM HOME TOGETHER I JUST- a single tear definitely escaped HAHA AND AHH OF COURSE Faded in my last song definitely takes the cake too and I’d say the same with Music, Dance and Deja Vu too!! Honestly their whole album is such a great time ahh :’) AND!!!

(pt12) AW I think you’re super fun too!!!!!! (AND SUPER SWEET??? I’M- I don’t know hOw many times I’ve had to stop myself from accidentally liking a post of yours (your gifs are lovely!) or following you BUT!!! expect a lot of that when I reveal myself LMAO) :’>>>> fjghdkjhfg Talky squad! ^^ And that’s great to hear!!!! My heart stOPPED when I sent each one bc tumblr didn’t give me the mssg that they sent and I FREAKED OUT AHAHAHA and that’s great to hear! and aw that’s really sweet that you guys

(pt13) got to chat! And thank you! My day is going quite okay thanks! a little downside is that my work contacted me this morning and said there were a couple positive cases at one of my job sites when I worked a couple weeks ago so at the moment I’m chilling in my room for the next few days just in case. I’ve been feeling just fine so I’m hoping all will be well soon! On the positive side, my albums arrived today and I pulled a Xiaojun pc and died aHAHA and I’m really loving all the freebies

(pt14) that came with it! Stickers are always a delight to get :’)) (even tho I’m usually too scared to use them! xD) I also got a chance to talk to some kind people at work and that’s always nice! ^^ and aw that’s so great :’000 i’m really happy you guys had a great time and got to eat yummy food!!!!! Here’s also a burning question for you! Do you possibly have a favourite hyuck era? Asking for research purposes ofc hehe 👀👀👀

(pt15) hope your day is going swell so far! p.s. will try my best to keep these a bit shorter bc i can only send 5 asks per hr :’o + also you're an infinite fan aaa!!!!! i used to be a big fan back in the day hehe - ss☃️🎄

Thank you!!! we did have a great time :>

Farms are fun, I just love spending time away from the city sometimes hahaha KJFNDVKJDNK yes, I honestly am ok with being at home for long periods of time (huge homebody here), but it’s been a year already and I just want to go out and sit under the sun for a few minutes HAHAHAH (for a few minutes only bc I usually can’t stand being directly under the sun OTL)

OOOOHHH INFP Scorpio twins eheheh, when’s your birthday??? must have been recently so I’m wishing you a late happy birthday💕 and yes, I need to look a bit more into numerology as well because I have no idea what my number means fdkjndfk.

OMG!!! an art student!!! That’s so cool :< I hope I get to see some of your art after the event! eheheh. What’s your favorite medium? Favorite thing to draw/paint? :)

I was so curious too!!! I loved NCT Dream’s Season’s Greetings concept last year! and I don’t have any NCT merchandise so I just jumped in for it this year kjdfnkdvfk I liked both concepts but I decided to get 127′s! BOTH VERSIONS OF PT.2!!! EXCITING! Whic PCs did you get??? (Also who is (are) your bias(es)??? omg dkfjnfvkjd) !!!!!!! I absolutely love botw too!! and I play osu as well :D but lately I’ve just been playing Genshin Impact and Overwatch! (OMGGG I’ll definitely let you know if I do!!!)

I know Hereditary!!! I haven’t watched it yet! but I have watched The Witch from A24 and it was really interesting! (which youtube channel? o: I love watching movie analysis videos!!) LKFDNKFDMFL and yes, please, I love getting songs recs, discovering new music is so fun! I’ll share here some songs that I’ve been listening to a lot lately!:

Nlve x Sam Kim — Like a Fool

DPR LIVE — Jam & Butterfly

SOLE — haPPiness

eaJ x Seori — It just is

eaJ x keshi — Pillows

Woosung — Face

OMG I just watched a video that showed similar looking cookies!!! they look so yummy! I’ll save this recipe and maybe I’ll try to bake some for Christmas eheheh thank you!!!!

I knew of NCT since their debut but AHAHAHA you see, I felt a bit funny because I’m older than many members JKFNDJK so I avoided them until around Superhuman/Boom when some friends exposed me to their music during a trip we made for a Got7 concert, a week with them was enough for me to go back home straight to search more about NCT, and here I am now : D

AND YESSSS when they all joined to sing From Home on the stage :((( I’m also about to cry each time I watch the MV for the rearranged version KJNVFNKD (omg!! I’ve always wanted to go to Canada! I can imagine the hockey concept was exciting ahahah) but yeah! I absolutely agree, love love LOVE the album!

Awww :< <3 that’s SO relatable LMAO I was just saying to my friends the other day “don’t you sometimes get the urge to like your own anon on you event person’s blog????” AHAHAH thank you for thinking my gifs are lovely;; I just started giffing this year and it’s been really fun so far :D

Oh god :(( I hope you’re okay! that sounds a bit scary;; please take care :< but I’m glad that your albums got there and that you got to talk to nice at work! (stickers are always great!!! yes!! though I tend to save them and never use them as well ahahah)

FAVORITE ERA? god that’s a difficult question KJFNDVKJ well, my favorite Dream song is MFAL but I have no idea if it’s my favorite era...... I also really really really liked Superhuman (his silver hair????? gorgeous) so maybe those two would be the answer kjndfkdk and yes!!! I’ve been an Infinite fan since their debut! and Sunggyu was my bias until Haechan happened hahahah (I’ve been a kpop fan since around 2008 : D hbu???) I think I asked here earlier but who’s your NCT bias/es?? o: are there any other kpop groups that you really like? :)

BIG EDIT: RIDIN’ ERA HAECHAN IS A BIG FAVORITE TOO his hair was at a beautiful length and that eyebrow piercing.............*cries*

Big edit 2: .......ridin’ is the favorite era, I stil like MFAL as a song more, but Ridin’ era haechan is......deadly

#Secret Santa anon🎄#asks

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dxmichelle · 4 years

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I am not normally one to throw a whole lot of personal stuff around on my blog, but I feel the need to rant.

Some big-name grocery stores are paying hazard pay to their employees. $2/hr bonus for having to deal with the customers panic-buying all the eggs, meat, toilet paper, and pasta sauce (but not pasta? What’s all the sauce for???), restocking as much as they can, and dealing with the likelihood of catching COVID-19 just because they have to show up for work because it’s an essential business that can’t close.

That’s great! Now that the employees have to be there, of course, because I’m sure they’d all rather be home, but that their companies are acknowledging that they are what’s keeping the store afloat and are compensating them better for it. Even if it is a temporary boost in pay until the pandemic is over, I’m sure it will not go unnoticed by the team members.

Now. Having said that...

I think I’ve mentioned once before that I work at Walgreens. (If not, it’s no big secret *shrug*). Like any other grocery store and pharmacy, we are an essential retailer that can’t just close down in the face of a serious pandemic. We know the store has to stay open. We don’t expect it to close. Ever. I mean, we’re the only store in town open on Christmas all day. The world can end twice over and we’ll still be selling cigarettes and printing photo orders.

Some of what’s happened to other stores (read: grocery) has happened with us. My store in particular is out of toilet paper and paper towels, milk, eggs, sanitizer, etc. All those nice things that the panicking hoarders bought everyone out of within two weeks or so, they’re gone. They’ve been gone. And it’s near impossible to get it back in stock.

We’ve had customers give us shit because we don’t have any paper goods, cleaning supplies, disinfectant, masks, gloves, rubbing alcohol, heck - even the Tylenol is all gone. You know how much OTC pain medicine we keep on the shelves year-round? TONS. And it’s wiped clean. Even the generic Tylenol is out. It’s nuts.

“Why are you still out of everything!? Don’t you guys receive trucks anymore?”

“When are you getting “[name that product]” in?”

“WHY DON’T YOU EVER HAVE TOILET PAPER?”

Okay, truth be told, we have been getting paper goods back in stock. By the third hour it’s been restocked to the floor, it’s gone again, and that’s with setting a harsh limit per customer. We’ll get maybe two bottles of hand sanitizer in a week. Clorox or Lysol wipes and disinfectant spray? Forget it.

The Tylenol is a recent addition to the “whoop, it’s gone!” club. We’ll probably restock just fine on it, but it might take a week or so. ...Or maybe it won’t. Who knows.

I can see exactly what comes in on each truck before it arrives. But I can’t tell the customers that in fear they’ll storm the truck or something before we’ve finished unloading it.

“Our truck comes later this week. We can’t guarantee what’s going to be on it.”

Which is true, because essentially every distribution center is out of all the things people want.

And because we are also a pharmacy, where the sick come to get the medicine to feel better, we are constantly in the line of fire for picking up whatever illness our customers drag through the front door. Doesn’t have to be COVID-19. People don’t know how to stay the fuck home when they’re ill.

You would think that all the Karens and the Susans who bought all the hand soap, sanitizer and face masks would have better sick etiquette, but nooo, they’re the ones not covering their mouth and nose and spreading their germs all over everyone and everything.

And don’t even get me started on how dirty money is.

So, being such a large and well-respected(?) retail pharmacy, what has Walgreens done for our employees in these troubling times of uncertainty and unease for their team members?

1. 2 weeks of paid sick pay but only if you’ve been confirmed to have COVID-19. And since testing is so readily available (HA), if you have flu-symptoms and choose to stay home and self-isolate, you can! But it comes out of either your PTO, or goes unpaid.

And if your child is home because no school and you have no one to watch them? It’s fine to stay home, but you won’t get paid unless you pull PTO. If you have it.

2. Social distancing markers! There are tape lines on the floor for the checkout and pharmacy lines. Except that when you need the pharmacist for a consult and you’re at the window, or standing at the pharmacy/front checkout counter, it is impossible to stand 6ft away. What, am I supposed to let the customer throw the money at me? Am I supposed to ring out their purchases and fling the bag back at them? Let me tell you a secret: it doesn’t work.

3. Discouraged wearing of gloves and masks at the front register. Okay, I see the point behind these. Not that anyone has masks to wear, mind you, but they don’t prevent the catching of COVID-19. And wearing gloves just keeps the dirt and germs on the gloves, and keeps you from frequently washing your hands, which is what everyone recommends you doing anyhow. But...realistically. The checkout cashier doesn’t have the ability after every 2 transactions to go wash their hands. And sanitizer is really only so effective. Either way, it’s not stopping whoever wants to wear gloves from wearing them, so we have gloves up front to use.

4. Sent care packages to help us clean, and reduced store hours. My store was open 8am-10pm. Now it’s 9am-9pm. That hour in each direction really doesn’t do a whole lot of difference. The idea is to clean, disinfect everything, and restock in the new time window that the store is now closed. Which is fine. But we don’t have anything to restock, our stockroom is BARE. And those care packages for the store to use? A case of toilet paper that I could have ordered myself when ordering supplies, a 6-pack of paper towels, two tubs of Clorox wipes, a box of 30 gloves. Oh yes, this will last a long time... We’ve also been given the go-ahead to expense any product off the shelf that we need to keep the store disinfected.

...Expense what!? THE SHELVES ARE EMPTY.

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To give my company some credit, they are very good at keeping us updated with what’s going on. There are usually message posts every/every other day, and I honestly do feel like they are trying to do well in a situation that is trying for just about everyone.

Many team members have spoken up in comment forums with concerns, and they are doing what they can to address them.

Now, having said that....

(Remember that first paragraph about hazard pay? I know it was like a year ago up there at the top of the post)

Today, 3/22/20, Walgreens announced that they are giving their store and distribution team members a one-time bonus to show their appreciation for us.

We, the team members ringing out all of our customers purchases while they cough and sneeze uncovered in our general direction, the pharmacy technicians and pharmacists dealing with angry and impatient patients because the lines are long and everyone’s trying to get early refills on their medications, on top of the usual crowd in for their regular pickup or just trying to drop off a new script. We the team members having to placate the customers by walking into an empty stockroom, look at the empty shelving for 10 seconds so we can then walk back out and assure them that “no, we really are out of face masks and rubbing alcohol”.

We hourly team members fighting the fight on the front lines and praying to whoever we believe in that we don’t contract COVID-19 from anyone and everyone, will get a one-time bonus of $300 for full-timers, and $150 for part-time, at the end of APRIL.

Are. You. Serious?

I realize that it is better than them shrugging their shoulders and doing absolutely nothing. For many people, I’m sure it’ll be welcome. I can definitely use the $300, considering I lost all my hours at my second job and am going to probably be short in the upcoming months.

But, as this is a bonus, it’ll probably be taxed to hell. I’ll probably really see only half of it. And when you break it down, it’s like a $.53 raise, for four weeks. But you have to wait four weeks to get it.

We are just as vital as the grocery store down the street. The fact that Walgreens think that this will placate its worried employee-base is completely out of touch. But then again, the people making these decisions are probably doing so from the comfort of home and not in the stores super busy with customers standing on top of each other, and us while they grab the last can of soup and box of vinyl gloves available.

For us fighting to keep everyone else happy and healthy, this is a slap in the face and a punch to the gut.

If I am going to work every day, risking my health and the health of my family just so everyone else can pick up their essentials...and non-essentials, I should be compensated for it. Without us in the stores, no one is getting their good sad stare at the toilet paper aisle, ranting over the lack of Tylenol, or waiting in line for that flu shot they should have gotten at least 5-6 months ago.

Not to mention...you know...getting their medication. That’s important too.

It’s time Walgreens gave us the hazard pay we deserve. And conveniently enough, several days ago, someone started a petition in hopes that might happen.

So if you’ve made it to the end of my rant, and want to try and help out a frustrated shift manager, or any of the other thousands of store and DC employees who must feel extremely slighted right now, feel free to click and sign. There are already 45,000+ signatures. Every bit helps.

And if not? Maybe signal boost this post. It might wander onto the blog of another Walgreens employee just as frustrated as I am. Who knows.

Thanks for reading, Michelle the disgruntled employee

#michelle's ramblings #if you made it to the end congratulations #I'm going back to regularly scheduled fic-writing now.

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isa-ly · 3 years

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HOW TO EMOTION?

TW: mental health, therapy, repression, dissociation

Today’s just one of those days where I’m questioning whether or not I’ve completely lost the ability of functioning like a normal human and kind of feel like the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz. You know, casual Friday.

I know this is a written blog, but since I am also very much a woman of images and metaphors, I shall once again try and elaborate the issue of today’s post by making it into a well-known, kinda dead and yet very accurate pop culture meme:

I am not kidding, this is what I look and feel like in most of my therapy sessions. I’m pretty sure Kerstin would agree with me here, as the topic of feeling, or more like my inability of doing so, has been pretty much been the red string winding itself through my mental health journey so far. I mentioned it briefly in the last post, but I figured since today is just one of those pesky overthinking ones, I might just dive in a bit deeper and try to detangle my knotted thoughts into something a bit more coherent.

I’ve talked about this before to some of my closer friends and honestly, every time I tried to explain it, I just felt like an absolute mad psychopath. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’m not, but it’s kind of hard to get people to understand what it feels like to just ... not feel. Okay, that sounds a little bit too dramatic, let me try and re-phrase it in a way that makes more sense.

I talked all about the metaphorical elephant and it’s even more metaphorical stake last time and this is kind of the extended version of that issue. The Stake Supreme, if you will. Basically, one of the earliest coping mechanisms that I picked up when I was very young, was to simply swallow down any feelings of anger, rage, sadness or hurt and pretend that they just weren’t there. Now, that’s not really something very unusual, as we generally live in a society that doesn’t leave a lot of room to healthily express or work through our emotions with the crushing weight of professional, educational, financial, social and personal pressure constantly weighing on our shoulders. So, again, I’m very well aware that me pretending that my bad feelings don’t exist, does in no way, shape or form make me a special snowflake.

It does, however, make me a very emotionally repressed and mentally inept snowflake. And that’s not really great either.

It took me many therapy sessions to figure out that what I had used as a necessary protection mechanism for all my childhood and young adulthood, had slowly but certainly turned into the root of pretty much all my current mental health issues. And here I was, thinking that mommy and daddy issues were just a try-hard-to-be-relatable brand that pseudo-depressed people on Twitter liked to use to excuse their shitty personalities. Oh no, am I one of them now? Alright, back to the point.

I’m just going to try to explain, both to myself and you, what happens in my head whenever the aforementioned process of ~A Feeling~ occurs. Where normally, I would experience something that elicits an emotion that I then experience and feel, lately (and by that I mean ever since some of the more severe of my mental issues started happening) I instead feel like the actual emotion gets stuck somewhere between having been produced and actually reaching my consciousness. In a way, to get back to that earlier visual, it feels like I’m the Tin Man. The feeling gets dropped into my empty tin chest and while I try my absolute hardest to actually feel it, it just sits there. Not really arriving, not really unfolding, just existing while remaining completely detached from me. And I continue to feel how you would imagine a man made out of tin and air would feel: hollow.

I’m trying really hard not to make another load of self-deprecating jokes here, as sharing and trying to explain this makes me beyond uncomfortable. Instead, I’m just going to keep going because that’s kind of the point of this blog. When I told my therapist what I typed up there just now, she explained to me that this strategy of processing (or lack thereof, actually), is commonly referred to as repression and dissociation. And that with my history of handling emotions (or, once again, lack thereof), it actually made quite a lot of sense for me to struggle with this.

She then went on to explain that one could imagine it like this: Whenever anything triggers an emotion to be formed (which, you know, happens quite a lot, since that’s kind of all that human brains do), my self-taught mechanism is to immediately replace it with a so called ‘non-feeling’. I know, that word seemed strange to me too in the beginning. What it means is that by having constantly invalidated and swallowed down my own feelings of anger and sadness through the course of my youth, I unintentionally created this perfect, well-oiled machine of repression that unquestioningly does its job without me even noticing. In a way, I somehow mastered the art of literally, fully and completely detaching myself from my emotions and simply viewing them as separate entities to my own mind.

Now, while that sounds like a sick villain superpower, I’m gonna be honest: It kind of fucking sucks. Especially on days like these, where old habits resurface and I once again find myself looking at my own emotions as if they were statistics on a computer, knowing that they are there, knowing that they exist within me, but for the life of me not being able to actually feel them.

That’s yet another thing I also learned in therapy. There are miles, literal continents, if not even multiverses, between rationally knowing you should feel something and actually feeling it. I’m not completely insane and oblivious, I very well know that I am capable of having emotions and that they are there and being produced by many funky chemicals working together in my brain. However, simply knowing this on an intellectual level is no where close to satisfactory if you cannot actually feel it too.

It’s like looking at ice cream, knowing that it’s there, seeing it with your own two eyes, remembering and being able to imagine the taste, the texture, the sweetness and yet never really actually being able to eat it. Never really feeling it melt it in your mouth. It remains an idea, a concept, close to smoke in thin air that you can very clearly see, and yet never really grasp.

And that, as you might be able to imagine (or even relate to, if you’ve experienced it before), is just not a lot of fun, to be quite frank. Emotional repression? Yeah, no, that one definitely gets a bad Yelp! review from me. Wouldn’t recommend. Zero stars out of five.

In addition to accidentally failing to process my own emotions (are you proud of me, mum?), there’s also the other half of the problem which is, as my therapist already mentioned, the dissociation. Now, I want to be clear here: While I’ve gotten quite a few medical diagnoses in my time in therapy, the actual condition of dissociation or dissociative disorder, which is actually a personality disorder, is not one that I ever received. The dissociation my therapist talked about, ergo the one I am experiencing, is more situational and linked to the repression. Funnily enough, it is literally happening at the current moment, while I’m writing this post.

Actually, it’s been there for every post I wrote. It is also there during almost every therapy session and whenever I attempt to talk to someone about my problems or feelings. If you ask me how I am and we get talking about my mental health, you can assume that I’ll be dissociating about two minutes into the conversation. Usually, it’s not something that is very noticeable. At least that’s what I like to believe, maybe it’s also super obvious, like my soul leaving my body, and people are simply confused or kind enough not to mention it. Who knows.

My therapist, however, did notice it, as she let me know after a few sessions, when I first tried to describe what dissociating felt like to me. “Oh, yeah, I can tell whenever it happens. I just thought I’d give you your space until you wanted to talk about it”, was what she had said. Oh, Kerstin. You’re a real keeper.

So, what does it feel like to dissociate? (I once again pretend that someone is asking so I don’t feel like I’m talking to myself about myself). It’s a little hard to explain but here’s what I have told some of the friends I have talked to about it before: Imagine from pretty much one second to the other, your entire head is filled with cotton, kind of like you’re really tired and exhausted and everything that you see or hear doesn’t really get through the thick wool that seems to have replaced your brain. Forming thoughts and staying in the moment gets harder with every minute that passes. There’s this weird pull at the back of your neck and the front of your forehead that kind of just wants you to close your eyes and drift away. Far away to somewhere where it’s quiet and cotton-y and there’s no one or nothing else around you.

It’s not just mental, it’s physical. It feels like your brain hit the shut down button without your consent, like it’s slowly closing the blinds as it gets darker and darker and you just want to fall asleep. Speaking seems to become almost painful, thinking coherent thoughts is close to impossible and following what others are saying is a million times harder all of a sudden. It’s like the world has gone out of focus and you’re trying to sharpen the lense again, to no success.

Actually, I think that a lot of people have experienced dissociative symptoms before. Not to play Dr. Freud here, but it happens quite a lot, for example during panic or anxiety attacks. Some of my friends have told me that it felt like they had suddenly left their body and were watching themselves as from across the room. That’s why often dissociating is also described as an out of body experience. Because in a way, it literally is one.

As my therapist explained to me, and as I experience it too, it’s comparable to your brain throwing a metaphorical fuse because it’s in danger of short circuiting. My dad would be so proud if he saw me making electrician references (yes, he is a trained electrician, okay). Anyway, what I’m trying to say is: Often, when I’m exposed to emotions (and that includes talking or writing about them), my brain will run a little too hot like an old, wary car engine, and before it gets too close to exploding into a fiery death, it simply flips the switch and disconnects itself from the body and the emotions that are happening in it. Just like the repression, this is yet another safety mechanism that my brain came up with in reaction to me never really learning how to correctly process emotions. So, whenever some of those stronger feeling resurface or leak out, it tries to protect me from them by cutting the connection between the both of us.

In almost every way, it feels like I’m being locked out of my own head and can no longer really use my own brain. To someone who’s never felt that before, this might seem a little terrifying. And I agree that, objectively, it is. Knowing that the grey goo behind your skull has the power to shut out what in the ever-loving fuck is considered your conscious self, is a bit worrisome, to say the least. However, to me, it’s something that I have a) gotten very used to by now and b) in the moment don’t actually experience as something scary at all. I’m disconnected, remember?

Which is also why it’s sometimes very, very hard to get grounded again and find the way back into my own head. Like a bird that’s accidentally escaped its cage, proceeding to go fucking rogue in the living room, then crashing into a wall, all while trying to figure out what the fuck is happening while it’s on the verge of blacking out. I’ll often feel so dull and dizzy that all I really want to do is curl up and stare at a wall until eventually, my mind and body connect again and things are back to normal.

To kind of circle back to the whole theme of this post: This whole dissociation thing is very strongly connected to my tendency of emotional repression. It’s somewhat of a vicious cycle, which is why days like the one I’m having right now, can be a little tricky. It starts with me feeling empty and hollow, bim-bam-Tin-Man, and is usually followed with feelings of isolation and depression, since I cannot seem to get joy, satisfaction, or any emotion, really, out of anything. This then often leads to me trying to force some sort of emotion into myself, struggling to dig through my subconscious in hopes of finding something, anything, and eventually becoming even more frustrated. Aha! Frustration! That’s an emotion, right? It’s there! Can you feel it? I think you can, oh wow, there it is! Oh, wait, no ... no, now my head is getting heavy. Everything’s blurry. Is the feeling still there? Maybe. Who cares, just close your eyes now. So sleepy, hm ... floaty float.

Okay, sorry, that just turned into a weird combination of a badly written slam poem and a pretentious high school theater class rendition of some old play no one has ever heard of. I’ll just use the fact that I’m still dissociated as hell as an excuse for now. Wait a minute ... if I’m this spacey and zoned out right now, how am I even managing to write this post? Huh? Isa? Explain yourself!

Well, I haven’t been in therapy for nothing. It’s been over eight months of Kerstin and me figuring all of this out, finally putting a name and label to it and therefore understanding why it’s there and how it works. Which has helped me a great lot in actually handling it. That’s kind of the whole point of therapy after all, isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong: These days where I feel repressed, empty and dissociated, can still be hard and they’re rarely ever fun. They honestly make me want to bash my head against a wall in hopes that that will make it go back to normal.

But since I don’t really favour having a concussion on top of feeling depressed and detached from my body, I have learned to use other counter-measurements to help the process of finding my balance again. Rebuilding that mojo, am I right? This post is already pretty long, so I won’t go into even more detail on all the different methods and mechanisms of bouncing back, but I’ll say this much: I spent a good portion of therapy trying to learn when to push and when to rest whenever I’m feeling dissociated. And yeah, it’s a fine line and I still haven’t fully figured out how to walk it without falling from one extreme into the other.

But take this blog, for example. I know that writing it, actively facing my problems and the very strong, repressed emotions connected to them, will make me dissociate like hell. A few months ago, that would have been reason enough for me to not do it and simply ignore it again. Now, however, after working with my therapist and on myself, I have learned how to push my own limits just far enough in order to, in this case, continue to write even though it feels like my brain is about to burst into a cotton explosion. It’s a give and take, a sort of push and pull I’m playing with my own mind and head. But as time progressed, I figured out the game plan a little better, I learned my own rules and the secret short cuts and cheating methods (because come on, who really plays fair, that’s for boring losers) and the resting time it takes for me to restore my strengths again.

So, today for example, I woke up as Mr. Tin Man, progressed to being a lost, numb and rogue dissociation-bird (man, I really gotta work on my metaphors, this is just getting worse by the minute) and then decided that the best way to counter-act all of it, would be to sit down and write my lovely new blog. Has it helped? A little, yeah. It took my mind off the right things, made some others a bit worse and intense but now, I feel a little more stable and like I managed to talk some sense back into my spiraling, detached brain.

Kerstin, please tell me you’re proud of me. Because as we all know, therapy is about impressing your therapist and not about getting better for your own sake. Pft, who needs that. What do we want? Validation! When do we want it? All the time, because we never got it as a child, so now it’s the only thing we crave in life!

Yikes.

Alright. So, here we are. Since I’m still feeling a little zoned out and dopey, I’m not fully sure if everything I wrote made complete sense. But hey, while this blog is for others to read should they feel like it, it’s still mainly there for me to sort my own racing thoughts before they can spiral out of control. And I think I managed to do that just now. And I know that that feels kind of nice.

Actually, I feel it too.

P.S.: I just had to. A little self-deprecation doesn’t hurt anyone.

#therapy #retrospection #repression #dissociation

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thebulletinhamilton-quotes · 5 years

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13,14,15, 29, 30, and 37?? Sorry I kinda gave you a lot whoops 😬

A/N: Hey you’re good @hamilton-a-quotes-blog !! Thank you so much for the ask!! I had so much fun answering your questions!!! I love it when I get to talk to people! :) Thank you again for sending the ask!! Here we go...

13 = how do you deal with writer’s block?

Uh....

How do I put this??

Whenever I’m working on the ham fic’s (they’re coming I swear!!), I try to just sit down and type (or write). I outline, I write down how I want to the story to go. I get stuck on a scene? I do research or start on another project.

The important thing I’ve learned is this: keep going. Do it. Don’t sit and wait for a perfect stormy day. If you find yourself wanting to write a story, write it. Put it away and just get started.

You have to want to write and to do it. And if you come across a mental block, well do what helps you. Know everything about yourself first. You are the one in charge of your destiny. (God I sound like a Nike ad, moving on...)

Hope this helps!!

(Another way is to tell yourself writers block is made up, you’re a good writer. Just writing that is itching at me to write now.)

14 = What’s the most research you ever put into a book?

Right now!! I’m writing a book about magic!, romance!, drama!, war!, and more. I’m mostly researching how people come up with myths and importantly, religions with multiple gods. I also recently went to Greece so I got to learn how myths were developed in certain regions.

Additionally, I’m also doing research on how politics worked when there was the divine right of kings and queens. In addition to how societies today primarily rely on democracies and such. It’s fascinating (if not terrifying) to read about it. And more, I’m learning about unions and how they worked. I’m also trying to learn how some countries were able to trick their people so long (hint hint: good weather & good economic times).

I also need to do figure out how I want magic to work in the world. So far, I have a couple ways on how people use magic. I’m trying to add in a way so people who weren’t born into magic can learn and become proficient.. the question is how? It’s a long process. Though I think I found the solution... we’ll see...

I’m also always looking ways to improve my writing. I have okay grammar and spelling so I’m looking for ways to make sure my story makes sense to my readers.

If you guys have any inputs or could recommend me any books in the areas I mentioned, please DM me!! I would be happy to have your assistance!! And if you want to hear about it, let me know! I love talking about it!!

15 = Where does your inspiration come from?

EVeRYwhERE.

No I’m kidding.

I would say....my followers, reading, playing RPG, knowing the rules for improvisation, journaling, doing new things and more. I also get inspiration from watching things that scare me, talking to people, going out of my confort zone and there’s more. There’s nothing definitive that works, for creativity.

I am a firm believer that information available to everyone could make a huge difference. I think a lot of us have more talents than older generations realize. I’m able to learn how to speak French, draw, interact with people across different countries and backgrounds. So for now I’ll say information is the way for creativity. (At least for me)

29 = Who do you write for?

SIGH.

I stared at this question for a long time. This is kinda painful, so be warned:

I lost someone very very close to me over a year ago. Their hole will never ever be filled. It’s aching and it eats at me more than I care to admit. But the thing is, they told me stories of unlikely heroes, people who shouldn’t have had the opportunity to make change did and such. They were a firm believer in kindness, creativity and education.

They made me the person you (hopefully) see behind the screen. They encouraged my dreams and told me that through hard work and persistence, I’ll make it. I’ll become an unlikely hero. I just need to work to get to that point.

So I write for them. I want them to know that if my story ever gets published it’s because they told me: ‘tell stories. Keep going. You can do it. I believe in you.’ I will tell the stories that deserve to get heard. I will hopefully encourage people to take what I give out and create their own stories.

And I will tell everyone who inspired me. The person who told me to keeping going when everyone told me to give up. The person who lifted me off my feet. I miss them so much. But wishing and missing won’t get them back. The only thing I can do is take their lessons and share it. To use their words in times of struggle to give the motivation. So when I complete my story, I will feel their smile in my heart.

The hole that they left, will at least, feel proud.

30 = Favorite line you’ve ever written.

Oh man. You guys are good. Let’s try this:

‘I may fail, but I will do it anyway. Nothing can stop from doing it. It’s not enough to try, because any fool can try. I will not become another bystander. How am I to grow if I just accept this? I am neither a fool or a bystander, I am myself first.’

I wrote this a few days ago. The MC in my book is making a point that she (or they) will not accept the options presented.

In my fan-fiction that I’m writing:

He could hear the glass shattering and the number of shots that sang through the air was making him go numb. What kept him sharp was the fact Alexander was holding his hand behind the counter, panting. John could feel the tattle take of his heart beating so fast, his ears were full of his blood pumping through his veins. It was a moment before he realized someone was talking to him. Or at least now, yelling.

37 = Most inspirational quote you’ve ever read or heard that’s still important to you.

There are a couple of quotes I live by:

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic. If words control you that means everyone else can control you. Breathe and allow things to pass.” - Bruce Lee

“Ignore the fools. They are not worth wasting your energy on. Focus on those who can be persuaded. Because when it’s all said and done, the fools will live better. And their children will be the ones to tell them wrong instead.” - the person who I miss

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” - Dale Carnegie

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm amount men the greatest asset I posses. The way to develop the best that is in a man by appreciation and encouragement.” - Charles M. Schwab

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” - Marilyn Monroe

“I believe in you.” - Lin Manuel Miranda

...

Special shout out to @hamilton-a-quotes-blog !!! Thank you again for the ask!

Hey guys my inbox is open! Send me a number , a request or if you want to say hi! Love talking to you guys!!

#non hamilton #not a quote #ask answered #hamilton a quotes blog #thank you so much for the ask #thebulletinhamiltonquotes answered

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incomewaystips · 4 years

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aroll765 · 4 years

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Covid-19 and Me

Welcome to my blog about Covid-19 and Me. I’m Amanda. and it’s nice of you to stop by. I hope you’re staying safe, well, and AT HOME. Fun fact I love to write so this is looooong blog but I wanted to describe as much as I could to help someone and remember this intense scary time in our World. The last few days have been a whirlwind. I’m honestly still trying to wrap my brain around it, I’ve been extremely calm yet to panic or be in fear, I’ve found my zen place and by some miracle have been able to stay there even when I feel myself slipping ( crazy right? The anxious drama queen is the most calm out of everyone) but others not so much. I would rather you pray or send amazing positive good vibes to my family and friends that are extremely worrie, despite then playing it cool to me, my empath skills can pick up on everything and I know they are not okay, so send those prayers and good positive calming vibes to them cuz I got this. Okay here goes I want to be as detail oriented as possible. So put on some music, grab a cocktail, and read. I’m writing this, as an awesome friend suggested, so I can let you know how getting Covid-19 is for me. What happened, my symptoms, the onset of everything, the process, and hopefully I can ease someone else’s fear, anxiety, or save their life. Even if I help one person, than to me I’ll swallow all my insecurities about sharing my journey and putting everything out their for the world and I know it”ll be worth it. I know I’ll have haters too, but let them hate. We only drive out negativity and hate with love. So, yes I honestly didn’t want to share anything. I know people will judge me. It’s a very private personal matter. I don’t want more people worried about me than need to be or cause more fear, panic, paranoia, or be judged honestly. But again even if this helps only one, then okay it’s worth it to me. This is extremely serious not only in our community, but we here in the United States are the leading number of cases in the world, and I believe we haven’t even seen the impact yet. So yes it’s serious and it needs to be taken as such. STAY HOME! Stay safe. Stay healthy. I did everything as I was supposed to and I still got it but that doesn’t mean you will. Monday I was in my feels and sent my best friends videos on why I loved them, what they mean to me, and just had to express it. It’s like my body and intuition already knew I had it, I just didn’t pick up on it. Weird, maybe, but I am a very emotional sensitive loving person so telling people what they mean to me is really not out of the norm but sending 3-5 minute long videos is. I believe I am so sick so I can help spread awareness and help others take it serious! So one thing you should know is when I get sick, I do it right. I get real sick. I’ve had tummy issues for over a week now, I knew a sinus infection was coming over last weekend, as I rarely get them in my maxillary sinuses, but with the weather changes I thought okay...here we go. Then I had a lingering migraine for days it comes and goes and it’s nothing like my normal ones. It’s on the top of my head and the back of my skull and it comes in waves or a constant pain. But no vision loss, sensitive to sound, just very odd and different but painful. Monday I was feeling yucky and couldn’t get my sinus rinses to go threw, could tell I was swollen, bit of a sore throat but pushed thru. Wednesday awful migraine and extreme sinus pressure. When I get sinus infections they are normally my upper sinuses not the ones in my cheeks, but not this one. I was struggling. Thursday I woke up and knew I was for real sick and something was a bit off. It was sinus infection and probably bronchitis cuz it had moved in my airways but what is this horrid punching pain feeling in my back? My chest was tight. Dry cough. Terrible sore throat. Fever ,I think I lost or broke mine and haven’t bought a new one, cuz I was warm to touch but freezing. Felt achey and overall rough...but I had not slept very much or well. Regardless, I know my body well and I called my Dr. she was available within 30 minutes to have an appointment over the phone! We talked and she said it could be my usual stuff (sinusitis/bronchitis or walking pneumonia) but I also had symptoms of covid-19 so I would need to be screened. My inhaler I was trying to use it but having difficulty because I would start to cough so bad. I couldn’t get a deep enough breath. I do have medicine for a nebulizer but not the machine. A coworker has offered to let me borrow one if I needed it a few weeks ago when we were planning for this, but if I have corona virus I wasn’t leaving my home and risking getting others sick. Plus, if I couldn’t breathe to get the inhaler how would I breathe with the machine. I didn’t want to risk leaving my home really so I didn’t. She recommended I also buy a thingy they put on your finger to monitor your oxygen/heart rate, but warned me I wouldn’t be able to find one. So to look online and invest in one for the future and also a nebulizer and gave me some great advice. I get this about two maybe three times a year so it’s a good investment. She said to try and keep using the inhaler but not push it and called me in medicine (steroid and zpack) and to do the screening for Covid-19. She told me what app to download and so I did and logged in, and did the virtual screening process, it’s kinda like FaceTime! Super easy and you talk to a nurse. We were chatting, I answered questions, she had me walk around my home, did a certain breathing test—-the goal is to get to 30 and I only got to 10, she said I need to put you on hold a minute and I’ll be right back. She was so sweet and kind and I thanked her for working just like I did my Dr. She came back and the dr she was talking to over the phone at the hospital wanted me to come to the hospital. The dr hung up and the nurse said do you want to come or ride it out at home? I was like wait, what? She said the dr wants you to come in because of your breathing she’s marked you as severe case. You can’t walk to your bathroom without getting out of breath, coughing, wheezing so it’s a concern. I said no no I want to stay home and she agreed that was best, and changed me to moderate. She told me she had spoke to someone before me that was much worse that also decided to ride it out at home and this person was much older. I was like okay. Cool. I said ya sure? She said yes I think it’s best I’ve been doing this for weeks and yes you’re not well but if I didn’t have it I would be subjecting myself to more germs while sick, and I’m more comfortable at home and can rest easier. She told me if I got worse or trouble breathing to call back and they would arrange with the ER my arrival, if there wasn’t time and I needed to call 911 I would have to tell them I failed the screening and have Covid-19 symptoms so they could prepare themselves. I said so wait, I have it? She said you have all but one symptom, vomiting. Which I had done with the migraine. So basically yes but they only do screening and tests are limited and sent me a note in the app inbox and told me what to do and self quarantine for 7 days. She said they are there whenever and to call back the virtual screening and talk to a nurse if I needed to. (The 7 days is if you’re in a home with anyone else you HAVE to be in an isolated room and bathroom so no one else can get it) you also need to stay away from pets. I asked her how? I explained my cat is my life and she said well just don’t let the animal eat after you. Ewww I don’t do that anyway. After 7 days you quarantine for the additional 14-21 days. This 7 day thing is very confusing to some. I called back later that night with more questions. That nurse answered my questions and said even if I had come in there was no guarantee I would have been tested. You’re only tested if admitted. Testing is for the medical staff and high risk patients but to call my Dr in the morning, saying I failed the screening I have all but one symptom, and they should give me the test. Okay. So finally drifted off to sleep around 5/6am. It was an awful night. But surpassingly I still had not freaked out, cried, panicked, or had anxiety or anything, I was more worried about my loved ones and how they were handling this. I wake up Friday and I feel even worse. Like a plane and a train have hit me and ran me over. The pain in my back is like bricks are now punching me, someone is laying on the back of my chest, my chest is so tight and I’m getting sharp pains in my back and chest randomly. Mainly left back around shoulder blade and right front chest area, I can’t smell anything, taste is off but occasionally I can taste, I am wheezing no matter what. I’m sneezing. My throat feels like sandpaper fire, it’s just rough. I couldn’t get a deep enough breathe yesterday for my inhaler to get down into my lungs and today was extremely painful I just coughed trying to breathe before doing it. Tried again and coughed so bad I was dizzy. But, positive thoughts positive mind so I try and fake out my parents and called them each and told them I was feeling okay and trying to downplay it, so they could stop worrying. They don’t need to worry cuz I’m fine. I’m totes fine, just the normal crud right. So I change jammies and get ready for work at home. Oh, sitting up is awful!!! I’m nausea and dizzy and wow this is bad. But I can work I got this. But first I call my Dr. I’m getting that test!!! My Dr is working from home today...but they are amazing at the office and she said she would get to the bottom of this and figure out what to do and get back to me. Yes, I thanked her for working. You’ll see this is a pattern. It’s hard to breathe, I’m in so much pain but I’m okay, I can do this I keep telling myself. But I honestly know I’m different than ”normal stuff”. I see the Dr office is calling back, it’s someone else. She starts talking to me and we’re talking and she says Amanda, I’m looking at your chart and you were screened yesterday? I said yes. I failed. She said failed? I said I have all but one symptom. She said I am going to call the on call Dr and call you right back! Don’t put your phone down. I’m like ohhhh I bet they found me a test hahaha sweet. She called back fast. She said you need to get to the ER right now. I said ummm what? No no. I’m riding this out at home. We talked yesterday the screening nurses it’s all worked out. She said no, you have to go right now to the er your symptoms are worse, you’re wheezing and chest is tight, this virus moves fast and you could die. Go now! I said uhhh what!? But are you calling or do I or do I call the screening nurses cuz they said I can’t just show up we have to alert the er, I’m starting to spin, she interrupts me and said there’s no time...it’s fine GO NOW! I’m referring you and we are your PCP Office and they referred you back to us so we are telling you go now, By golly I’ve never put a mask and shoes on so fast and driven to the er that fast in my life. I sent out texts to those who had been chatting with me, And I called my dad. I knew if I heard my mom I was going to breakdown. So I had to call my dad and told him as calmly as I could that I was en route to the er per the dr office telling me I had to go right now because the virus moves fast and he said okay glad you’re going and I’ll tell mom just go and keep us updated. You grabbed your phone charger right? I was like ummm no. Crap but I’m fully charged love you!!! Then my bestie called me as I was pulling in. I shouldn’t have answered but knew she was worried! But that’s when I got a little scared and started crying. She assured me I was in the best hands and it would be okay. But pulling into the hospital parking lot it was so empty, a police vehicle had one of the entrances blocked off, we chatted and I cried and we said I love you. I walked in. That was a difficult walk. I tried to be calm but it was hard to breathe. I just kept thinking this is the longest walk ever! It was surreal to be there. I entered through the ER department, per my drs office telling me to go in there. You’re greeted by a security guard wearing a mask. I said I have covid-19 symptoms and was told to get to the ER now, he said please go in. I said thank you for working! I got a mask when I was in the waiting room of the lobby answering questions and I was the only one in there. A lady was there when I walked in but left and I could tell she was scared and I stayed as far back as I could from absolutely anyone and everyone! I thanked those working! I had to answer many questions and I was so winding I squatted down. I didn’t want to touch or sit down anywhere in case I did have corona virus...but man standing is hard. The nurse was working as quickly as she could. I was nervous and couldn’t think straight. They gave me a mask immediately too and I put it on wrong. A nice male nurse came out to the lobby and fixed it for me and put it on correctly while wearing gloves and a mask. When the nice nurse asking me so many questions wheeled me back in the ER I was scared but she had a good positive energy around here. It helped ease my fear. I’ve never seen or heard the ER so quite and no one around. Their is a section for us potential corona people and my goodness they have it organized and down to nearly perfection, it’s impressive at IU HEALTH BMH!!! It’s also terrifying. But I remained in my zen place. Idk how but I did. So we turned the corner and you see the hallway lined with red carts of equipment outside each room. My group of nurses were waiting for me outside the room. Over the speakers they announce “incoming patient room 38” so they are ready for when you’re wheeled back! I heard this ALL. DAY. I got in the room and they shut the big sliding glass door and curtain and I had to put on a gown. Then a nurse came in fully covered. Face mask, gloves, gown, protective eye wear. I was just thankful it wasn’t a hazmat suit. I would have cried and fully went into a panic attackS He was in the room with me for a long time. Other nurses stood outside, my private window view room, and handed him things through the crack of the door from the cart or ran and got him whatever was needed. This is so nothing was set down or touched by me or anything of the matter, I assume, Even when he was done touching me or near me he’d sanitize the gloves before taking them off and the gown and throw it in the bin before leaving the room. An outside nurse would slide the door open for him to fit thru and he’d slide out and it would be closed again. It’s extremely important they don’t touch anything as they could easily spread it or get it themselves. Everything was done with such precision and teamwork!!! AMAZING! Always nurses in the hall so if someone was in a room with a patient and their team of nurses were helping someone else, they would yell hey anyone in the hall that could hand me____. They had great spirits and were and are superhero’s in my eyes. At one point a janitor was cleaning my window door and he waved to me and I waved back. He gave me thumbs up or down and I did a thumbs up and tried to smile. It was just sweet. You better believe anyone I came in contact with I thanked! They were each taken back by that because it’s their job but I just had to thank them for being our hero’s!!! One nurse I said thank you, she said you already thanked me I checked you in, I said well I just appreciate ya all so much. She said rain or shine it’s what we do, I love what I do so I’m here. It makes me want to cry thinking about. I first got an EKG which was handed to my nurse in the room thru the opening. Another nurse stood in the hallway and recorded all info. After it was over he sanitized it so well and handed it back out to her. Again, he was in the room with me quite some time...To lighten the mood I made him and I plan out if zombies would attack what are game plan would be. But then I’d get coughing and oxygen levels would drop so the fun would be over til I would try to make another joke, because humor was the only way from keeping me from crying, being terrified and panicking. He was laughing himself. I said humor is getting me thru, he said I love your positivity!! You’re so sick and yet you’re a beacon of light. I said no sir, you are. The Dr came in and was amaaaaaaazing! He explained they would be testing for pretty much everything because they want to rule out as much as they can. So hence the ekg, tons of blood work, blood pressure monitored, I was hooked up to machines to monitor my heart I guess, cuz I accidentally took it off and boy did it make a loud annoying sound, iv of fluids, monitored my oxygen ya know all that fun stuff. My nurse got my iv thingy done in 1 poke, that rarely happens so I knew I was in great hands! He took so much blood! I was just like ya going to leave any for me? Again with the jokes. Then I’d have to stop cuz I couldn’t breathe. Dr. Also came in pretty quickly as my nurse was still working and charting things. He was dressed the same. He was awesome as well!!! I said thank you, he said what? I said thank you for doing what you do and helping me. He said I haven’t done anything yet. I said you’re here and you’re a hero thank you. He said wow, well it’s my job and I love it of course. Thank you. He explained that they were testing for everything; heart issues, blood clots, blood tests, flu to make sure it wasn’t any of that since I do have covid-19 symptoms he wanted to rule out that anything else could be going on, especially with my sinus and bronchitis history. The flu is going around as well. He explained that a few weeks ago if you tested positive for the flu you didn’t have covid-19 but NOW people are testing positive for both the flu and covid-19. He said it’s ever changing and he just has to make sure and rule out everything else. I was extremely grateful for his thoroughness and ALLLLLL my questions. He made me feel calm and in good hands in the chaotic scary situation I’m in. He said the virus does move extremely fast and it was so important that I listened to my dr and got here as fast as I did. He asked if I had been around or in contact with anyone who had it or symptoms. I said no and explained I had only been out a few times for groceries, gas, medicine, groceries to survive for a month. I explained everything I did and said I was the most cautious. Hand sanitizer with me, mask, washed hands constantly, stripped and washed clothes in hot water ASAP if I came in from outside, Clorox wipes highly touched surfaces etc. he said “it’s spreading like wildfire” He left and my nurse continued doing his awesome thing. He had been in a similar situation overseas before so I’m like I got the winning nurse suckers! Muhahahaha. He did things like take my temp (only time I removed the mask when he was in there) blood pressure, started iv, administers pain meds and a fever reducer, moves my bed up so I wasn’t wheezing and coughing so much...I feel like a few more things but I kinda lost track. He finally left and I was alone. I had the nurses call button, and a phone right next to me. I literally just was sitting/laying there taking everything in trying to remember how it looked and felt. I saw nurses walk by, some run by, janitors, people pushing machines, others calmly walking, but everyone had a face mask on! Another nurse would be walking by and I’d wave and they’d smile and wave back. You could tell they were trying to make us feel a sense of calmness and peace during this scary time. I witness patients being brought in, not many but I’d hear “incoming patient room 32” and I thought dang it no neighbor for me. I had a room kinda across from me and it was dark. I was kinda hoping for someone else to be there so I wouldn’t feel so alone. My friends who I told I was in the ER were amazing and I was keeping them entertained and them me. I was texting my family updates constantly as well as my besties. I was snap chatting friends. Anything to keep my mind occupied because I knew I would go into a panic attack which would cause even more distress. This big machine came rolling down the hallway. She stopped in front of my gorgeous window view room and I could see her putting on a gown and gloves and preparing and I thought, oh crap what’s that. My oxygen was dropping cuz of my panic. So I went to my zen place. Oxygen back up. She came in and it was an X-RAY machine! Yeah! They bring it to you so I put my mask on before she entered. I mean you do not leave that room! I thanked her for working. Again confusion. She said no problem happy to help I love what I do. See a pattern? Oh I just want to hug these heroes of ours! So she put this thing on my back. Told me to hold still and breathe in deep, that didn’t go well so we had to try again and move me over and she got it that time. She said I’d have results within probably 30 minutes. I thanked her again. She did the same as everyone else. Sanitized the gloves. Took off her gown. Sanitized again. Took off the gloves and someone opened the door for her. Okay, Back to people watching. But it wasn’t very hopping in the hallway. I thought of myself as an animal in the zoo locked behind glass. I feel sorry for them. I started to drift off and then would wake myself up hacking. Dr came and asked if he could stand at the door and had it slightly cracked, he didn’t have protective gear on, only a mask and the glasses, and I said oh of course. He told me that my blood work was great, flu test was negative, my vitals are the best in the er. However he feels I do have sinus infection and bronchitis and X-rays show I have pneumonia on my left lower lung, and my right lung has inflammation, and I have Covid-19, as I have all the symptoms. I just stared at him. (Hear people yelling codes and chaos something about respitory...his face changed and he looked around and said brb) and took off running with a slew of other nurses...idk where they were hiding. Then a second later he was back in my doorway and apologized profusely I said dr no need it’s a crazy intense time! He said where were we yes ok so this is...I cut him off and said doctor you are sure it’s my left lung? My right lung feels like it’s the one with pneumonia cuz it’s hurting and my back left area is hurting and feels like I’m being punched with bricks and everything in my chest front and back feels twisted all up. He explained how and why that is. He explained everything in such great detail and was just phenomenal. I can’t explain it. Then I said wait, so I have Covid-19? I’m just trying to process it all. He said you’re extremely sick. I said it’s how I roll and he just kinda laughed and said you poor thing. He said yes I am diagnosing you as being positive for covid-19 because you have every symptom and pneumonia. However, I’m not admitting you because your vitals are the best in the er, your age, and you are a healthy person. I’m admitting those with cancer, the elderly, and those with respitory illness. The only way to be tested is to be admitted and I just can not admit you when your vitals are the best, he said look your oxygen is back up to 100. But I’m only sending you home under “extreme caution” meaning if you can’t breath or get worse you immediately come back to the ER and we will admit you! You have to stay hydrated, get plenty of rest and stay quarantined for 7 days. I told him how scared I am to go home and ride this out alone when my dr office said the virus moves so quick and I could die. He said I understand and that’s why you’re under extreme caution and if anything changes you are to come back and we admit you. I just can not in good conscience admit you when you’re a healthy, young person who’s vitals are the best in this hospital. Which I understood. I hope I’ve helped describe it in the best way possible from my experience. Now the symptoms and onset: Diarrhea was first for I think 7-10 days until the other symptoms started (I could be wrong on the amount of days) then about 4-5 days before it was sinus problems that kept getting worse and slight throat off and on, then about 3-4 days before it was headaches/migraines but not my normal type. So if you are a chronic migraine suffer it will feel different. 1 day before which would have been Wednesday the migraine was awful and had vomiting with that and continually just didn’t feel well, couldn’t eat. The day they said I probably have Covid-19 and to start as DAY 1, Thursday. Day 1: Thursday morning I woke up feeling awful and sick. I couldn’t breathe out of my nose, migraine but again different like on top of my head and bottom of skull, and would go away and come back, still tummy issues but NO vomiting, my throat hurt and uvula swollen, sharp back pain, chest tightness, dry cough, occasional chest pain, chills, I think I had a fever but not 100% sure, and achey. I knew I was sick, it was sinus infection for sure and felt like bronchitis but also it hurt worse than that. Maybe walking pneumonia? But I don’t remember the back pain being that bad before. Barley slept. Just too much pain and coughing and muscle aches increased, couldn’t get comfortable, everything just hurt. Day 2: Friday morning when I woke up after just a few short hours oh my! I felt like I had been hit by a plane and a train and backed up over too. The chest pain and back pain was almost unbearable. Sore throat was worse, bright red and uvula swollen, it felt like sandpaper on my throat when I was swallowing, I couldn’t smell anything, wheezing even just laying there not doing anything, muscle aches and cramps, I woke up drenched in sweat but was freezing and couldn’t get warm, tummy issues with nausea, couldn’t really taste much, sneezing, dizzy, and just awful feeling. I felt like I couldn’t catch a good breath either. But I was determined to ride it out at home. Then as you know I had to go to the er. After the er the meds and the antibiotics they gave me and fluids I not only felt better I sounded and looked better! (I either am pale or red face when sick and fever and I was going back and forth between the two depending on the time of day) by Friday night I sounded almost normal, no wheezing, and had color back in my face!!! But it took me nearly 4 hours to finish 32 ounces of Gatorade because of my nausea and sore throat. I Barley slept. Rough night indeed. My pain level in the er was about a 7 sometimes 8, last night at times it would go to a 10 but drop back down quickly and I was breathing okay so I stayed home. I will admit I have zero pain tolerance. I’m a baby. Just couldn’t sleep. Was coughing/hacking a lot. Just when your body is all achey and your chest is so tight and hurts and your back feels like bricks are constantly punching you it’s hard to sleep. Day 3: Saturday morning I woke up and got about 5-6 hours of sleep which I was excited about!! I wanted to go back to sleep but I know per my PCP I HAVE to drink 8 ounces of fluid every hour and I’m failing at this. And the er dr said it’s extremely important to stay hydrated so I was not allowing myself to go back to sleep til I got fluids in me. I called my parents to check in and knew mom would help hold me accountable to get liquids, food in me so I could take meds. You’re the best mommy! But oh my. I thought Friday morning was bad. Saturday morning I had everything I did the day before except wheezing! Yay! Well, until I stood up and walk a few steps. Wheezing, heavy breathing and hard to catch my breath. Also...Sooo dizzy. Almost fell over a few times. I have vertigo a lot with my migraines so I’m a pro balancer. Hehehe. And my head is just extreme pain today it’s top and middle of skull and been constant with extreme waves of pressure. But what was so different besides the extreme dizziness was the fatigue! You would think I ran a triathlon. I had to take breaks to get places in my house. Usually I’m zip zapping around in seconds with Bella chasing me. Today she was so confused. She also doesn’t leave my side when I’m sick and she’s been distancing herself so that’s been a lil strange. She still comes and checks on me but it’s not my usual kitty. They say to stay away from your pets so maybe she is picking up on something. Poor Bella boo. Okay sorry got side tracked. Literally no drama picking up a 32 ounce bottle of Gatorade was too heavy for me. Are you kidding? A week ago I was carrying a bag of 6 of them in one hand. Nausea comes and goes but I have no appetite. I don’t want to eat or drink, but I know I have too and I’m forcing myself liquids. I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and I’m keeping myself elevated with multiple pillows to help with the congestion and coughing. The pain in my back and chest hurts, it’s constant pain and tightness and you can’t feel like you ever get a good deep breath. Day 4: Sunday I got a little bit more sleep (7 hours) and woke up feeling a little better. Not as fatigued. Headache but not migraine. Overnight was rough!!!! Saturday into Sunday I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t get a good breath. I found a video online of an ICU nurse that went viral about the cupping/patting technique. Someone is supposed to cup their hands and pat on your back, it breaks up the mucus. With covid-19 the mucus sticks to your lungs and you can’t breathe etc. my anxiety was like oh no this is why I can’t breathe well and I didn’t want to go to the er as I know they’ll admit me. Space is limited. I can ride this out. I want that for those that truly need it, that have husband and kids, that have a huge house full of people that they can’t isolate from, a Grandma, idk...I just it may sound silly to you but it’s how I feel. I can’t get over the er dr telling me I had the best vitals in the er when everyday you hear others are dying. So I threw myself up against a wall protecting my head and could feel the mucus come up as I was staring to choke a bit and cough! Woah! It works. It hurt extremely bad but it was working so I continued it. It wore me out so I’d take a break and do it again. It worked because I spit up some mucus. I started to realize what was happening...oh no. I’m really sick. I started getting emotional and text my bestie...golly I am extremely grateful for 3/4 am convos with my bestie who has a newborn because I was in a lot of pain, my breathing was hard, and just starting to realize the severity of what’s happening to me. Finally I drifted off to sleep. Again woke up feeling a bit better. My chest didn’t feel as tight, I felt more with it not so in a dream foggy state, but my left arm was a bit swollen hot to touch and had some red splotches. Hmm. What’s that about? Well, My parents, my living angels, dropped off Gatorade, tea, sugar soup, muffins, etc and it was just so amazing to wake up to those texts and that stuff on my front porch. I can’t emphasize enough, although they don’t tell me I KNOW they are having a hard time...they are so scared and feel absolutely helpless. I feel so bad for doing this to them. I was able to pick up the bag of Gatorade! Remember yesterday I couldn’t even lift 1 Gatorade-woah! This is exciting! I walked to the kitchen without having to take a break. Again exciting. But I was still so dizzy and almost fell. Thankfully the stove and cabinets caught me. I was like a pin ball all day slamming into things left and right and bouncing off them. Good lord. And it’s not like vertigo. It’s like you’re walking fine and then boom you’re in a door. Well how’d that happen. Bella found this amusing. She came out of isolation a bit today and hung out with me which was really nice to get some kitty cuddles. My cheeks still red so I’m pretty sure running a fever and still cold constantly. Throat feels a little better. Oh what’s that I’m hungry?! Yesss! One bite and I’m full. Dang. Still can’t taste or smell. And my nose is super stuffy. I drank hot tea which was amazing on my sore throat! And it helps break the mucus up. I did finally take a shower tonight!!!! I realized in the shower since I was standing I still have a broken toe. My poor body, it doesn’t know what to fix! I got completely fatigued during and after. But the steam and hot water felt so nice. I had to take multiple breaks just to finish and walk to my room like 5 steps away. I was spent!!! Also I started noticing later tonight my right side of my back is also in a lot of pain like my left. Yikes. I’m losing track of time. I thought it was like 2 pm and it was 5:30 pm. I thought it was like 9 and it was nearly midnight. I know I need more sleep. I did a little better today getting liquids down! Nausea care back. Had to call the er for some questions, they referred me to the virtual screening nurses, so I think this is going to be a nightly thing...on Thursday my breath test I got to 10. Tonight I got to 6/7 and that’s being generous it was more like a 5/6 But since I feel somewhat okay the nurse consulted with the dr and said I could be transferred to the on call Drs and pay or to call my dr in the morning and discuss with her my arm, as they noticed what I was seeing (swollen and red splotches) and it’s the opposite arm of iv, and also about my breathing. I decided to consult my dr in the am. As I was trying to sleep I got an intense sharp pain in my back on the left that had me in tears. It went away after about a minute. I hope I can work tomorrow but the dr wrote me off for two weeks. The best way to describe this for me, remember I have multiple things not just covid-19, is having a cold, the tummy flu, pneumonia, and mono all at once.

2 notes · View notes

seenashwrite · 5 years

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The Fall ‘18/Winter ‘19 Edition of…

It’s a better-late-than-never situation, but it’s finally here!

*~* New to The Nail? *~*

The Nail isn’t about perfection. It isn’t about award-level contenders. It isn’t for highlighting certain genres of fics or specific ships. It’s about seeing real effort and hard work radiate off of the screen - the sole focus is quality. Character dimension. Writing with clever readers in mind. Well-built worlds. Killer starts and clutch endings. Crazy crisp dialogue. Incredibly tight plotting. More shows, less tells. Big emotion.

Find past editions HERE. Find what factors are considered when constructing this rec list, and learn how to get your recommendations to me HERE. Find info on the structure of these rec posts HERE, with answers to FAQs such as “Why did someone make up a title for my piece?”, and more.

>> The Basics On What’s Below <<

- All from the world of SPN (unless otherwise noted, i.e. cross-overs), across all genres; these are organized by length for the most part, so you’ll need to click thru to see if it is a theme of your preference; I aim to not have too much that’s of the same genre/length in a given edition, and limit the times a writer can appear on a given list (if they had more that fit the bill, I’ll chuck ‘em to next edition’s list); when applicable, unique projects, original stories, and any anecdotes/personal essays/family stories/etc. are near the end.

- You’ll see icons throughout…

If it has NSFW elements / walks an NSFW line - ⚠️

If it features / blatantly alludes to a specific ship - 🚢

If it has less than 100 notes (at time of this post) - 📌

And that last item is very important.

- A main priority of The Nail is to have at least 50% of these one-and-done SPN stories (so, drabbles and one-shots) be those which have less than 100 notes (give or take a few self-reblogs by the writer, and not counting mine) in each posting, and for this edition, out of 36, these comprise 26 so the goal was met!

Highly encourage you to at minimum hit the heart, ideally reblogging along with a note of feedback if you enjoyed. To do my part, I’ll be queuing these low-note fics one per day after this edition is published.

- Reblog of this rec list by “big blogs” (let’s say 1K followers and up) is especially appreciated, and not for my sake; it’s to get these wonderful writers with low note fics as much exposure as possible.

- Writers, make sure you scroll - you may be on here more than once!

- “Notes from Nash" at the very bottom of the post.

- For your mobile convenience, here’s The Nail Master Post of Editions

- And finally, shameless plugs....

See Nash Write: Master List

You Totally Made That Up podcast - @youtotallymadethatup

Note: Just a line or two excerpt to paint a little picture - no specific feedback on these drabbles because each writer nailed it in the entirety - all are poignant, well-structured, thoughtful, and they did it all in a limited amount of words. Well done, all of you.

181 words

The Wishes 📌 - @sixtysevenandwhiskey

It’s a lot of nothing, until nothing is all there is.

182 words

Stars 📌 - @covered-byroses

She loved looking at the stars.

223 words

Storytelling 📌 - @always-keep-writing

He shouldn’t be surprised that it ends up being a story.

230 words

A Long Forty Years - @babybluecas

Sometimes, he’d wish he was so much older.

352 words

Control 📌 - @idreamofhazel

If only Dean knew the other, more biting things he holds under his tongue.

370 words

His Hair 📌 🚢 - @gabrielfallstonight

He often wondered if, by spending as much time on Earth as he did, he was growing almost human.

427 words

Topper - @alleiradayne

Coffee. He just needed a cup. Or four. Okay, maybe the whole pot.

483 words

Tedium 📌 - @smi727

This situation was something Michael simply could not abide.

555 words

Kids These Days 📌 - @revwinchester

A little behind-the-scenes interlude wherein Dean has an interaction with some kids in town. In medias res, OCs developed in a short amount of space, thoughtful/nice message without being preachy.

560 words

Four Months Expired (But Still Good) 📌 🚢 - @bendingsignpost

A delightful scene based on a premise that could've gone saccharine but stays the just right amount of sweet and humorous.

(I cannot tag this lovely, if someone would be so kind as to try to do so in the comments, it would be appreciated!)

570 words

Black 📌 - @sculptorofbeginningslibrary

An introspective look at Dean in the time between waking up with his demonized soul and when he left the bunker; doesn't merely recap what we know; nice take on the physical changes; excellent characterization.

633 words

Smoked - @ameliacareful

A snicker-worthy tale of what should be an ordinary shopping trip, but as we know nothing can ever be simple for the brothers; well-structured, solid characterization, concise descriptions that put you right there with them.

(I cannot tag this lovely, if someone would be so kind as to try to do so in the comments, it would be appreciated!)

664 words

Last Night - @atwistoffate

A brief interaction between you and Dean that is a perfect balance of snarky and cute, and (thank Chuck) Dean is portrayed realistically, and I personally salute the writer for not uttering a single Y/N or sweetheart (it can be done, folks). I'd also be remiss not to highlight this beauty: “You know what? I don’t even care,” Dean says, caring deeply.

714 words

Stay - @there-must-be-a-lock

Absolutely beautiful moment between you and Sam that doesn't get weighed down by over-dramatic pining, in part thanks to a sandwich. In medias res; descriptions that paint the picture without diving too deep; lovely from beginning to end.

812 words

Carolina 📌 - @atc74

A first-person, introspective tale of an interaction Dean has with a stranger. In medias res; sets the stage from the opening paragraph, putting you right into Dean's shoes; well-developed OC in short amount of time; great closing lines.

841 words

Strange Gifts 📌 - @lastactiontricia

Michael gives you the "gift" of knowing your potential fates. In medias res; great structure/descriptions that convey the mood without being belabored; clutch open-ended ending.

1.1K words

Syruped and Feathered 📌 - @mrswhozeewhatsis

A snicker-worthy on-the-hunt tale where you and the Winchesters get in a... well... a sticky situation. Ahem. Sorry, couldn't resist. Oh, and there's a surprise guest star that'll make you grin. In medias res, nice flow, creative use of prompts.

1.2K words

Don't Panic 📌 - @koedeza

Beautifully written, somber tale about what eventually happens in the lives of hunters. In medias res, excellent structure/flow, fantastic characterization, clutch ending. Keep an eye out for this writer - they are consistently solid and do not disappoint.

1.3K words

'Til It All Falls Apart 📌 - @lipstickandwhiskey

Angst done right in this story about what Dean might've gone through after Michael was cast out. Good flow, no laborious explanations of what we already know, reasonable actions/reactions from all.

1.4K words

Bite Me, BitFit 📌 - @shy-violet-soul

Exactly what you think from the title - a funny story about Dean's battle with healthy living. In medias res, nice structure, great characterization, several killer lines.

1.4K words

Eggshells 📌 - @hunenka

A coda to Nightmare Logic, this tackles Dean's internal processing of life as he now knows it, Sam in charge and what feels like a million people in his home. Beautifully written, Dean is as accurate as it gets, excellent flow, plausible scenario.

1.7K words

Told You So - @there-must-be-a-lock

How to do hot and sultry without smut - read and learn. This is a story about what should have been just an ordinary post-hunt night back at the bunker, when it turned to something more. Great opening paragraph, easy flow, trifecta of snarky-sweet-sexy.

1.8K words

Brother 📌 - @sixtysevenandwhiskey

An exquisite look - to use the writer's words - at Dean over the years, through Sam's eyes. Excellent structure/verbiage, no unneeded repetition of things we already know, good use of song inspo, plausible within canon, feels genuine throughout.

1.8K words

The Lie 📌 - @sophisticated-angel

Stunning tale (and add this to the pile of "Why the hell doesn't this have more notes?!" stories) about what happens to those who are left behind after a loved one dies - but as always in the Winchester world, nothing can ever be routine. In medias res, creative plotline, moving and heart-grabbing that leaves you with both a sense of rightness and a sense of unease.

2.9K words

The Unexpected Guest - @crispychrissy

Per the writer's summary - "A day of researching takes a turn when you see something from your past that leads to some interesting discoveries." But, wait - this is so much more. Pay attention as you read, because the writer has left you clues along the way (starting with the title), and it's done quite deftly. In addition - nice blending of humor and drama, time taken to research the creature featured clearly evident, clutch ending.

3K words

Easier To Be Me 📌 - @alleiradayne

A Sam + Reader story labelled "floof" by the writer, but it's sweet without bending saccharine; in medias res; great opening/closing lines.

[Nominated by @atc74 who said - “So I have read a couple things of hers, this I read a while ago, but it deserves some love, because it is just that good. Hope you like it This was so wonderful. Well written and beautiful."]

3.1K words

Teeth 📌 - @lastactiontricia

Do you want to read something spooky that’s based on a true story, with a fantastic plot that has roots in a true story, which features well-developed characterization/accuracy in characterization, and is - in case I didn’t mention it - based on a true story?!

Read this. Find you a cozy corner, grab the drink of your choice whether it’s bourbon or hot chocolate, wrap up in a blanket, and Read. The. Story. It is unique, it is well-written, quality top to bottom, and it’ll give you the feels, tips to toes. Stop wasting your time on the same ol’, same ol’.

READ THE STORY

(Part of a collection, all are fantastic, so see also: Halloween Horror SPN One Shots Masterlist)

3.3K words

Lay Me Down 📌 - @stusbunker

A solid case fic here that balances itself with some cheekiness thrown in amongst the drama (and a bonus for me, not a "Y/N" in sight - it can be done, folks). In medias res, moves at a quick clip, great line here: "The spell spread quickly, like spilled water on a tabletop..."

4.9K words

Shadow's Edge 📌 - @saenalife

A story of what happened one night when a routine retrieval of an item goes sideways. In medias res, excellent opening line/paragraph that perfectly sets the scene/mood (I mean - "Dark seems like too shallow a word for this. It goes beyond the absence of light - more like the light has never existed here at all..." - hello), creative plot, great structure (specifically: flashback/forward done right), and bonus kudos for switching things up with a feature not seen with regularity, that of a gender neutral lead.

5.6K words

The Wonders of Modern Technology ⚠️ - @littlegreenplasticsoldier

If you aren’t familiar with Greenie, she’s another one of those rare writers ‘round these parts who gives us consistently solid stories with a unique style that’s all her own, and this one is no exception, a humorous tale of a piece of equipment that doesn’t exactly malfunction, but we’ll just say there’s, ah, user error [wink].

5.7K words

Like Ocean in the Desert 📌⚠️ - @saenalife

Borrowing the writer's summary - "Baby needs some work before Dean can get back on the road. He went to the salvage yard for parts, but what he found was a human connection." In medias res, well-developed OC, nice premise, great structure/flow.

[Nominated by @littlegreenplasticsoldier who said - "Here’s a prime example of notes misaligning with quality. Pfft. Criminal. This is the third time I’ve read this."]

6.4K words

The First Bite 📌 - @shy-violet-soul

A story from the way-back-when, and as for feedback, I’ll let the curator take it away....

[Nom'd by @mrswhozeewhatsis who said - "Confession: I love Weechesters. So, this fic was already up my alley from word one. Add in pie mentioned just in the author’s note, and I was already a happy camper! Imagine my surprise when I was sniffling halfway through because wee!Dean was just killing me! The OCs are very well fleshed out, without being distracting, and the whole story was just so well-written I finished it just wanting to hug everyone. The grammar and other technical stuff was at least flawless enough that I didn’t notice it, and the whole story just unfolded in front of me like a cootie-catcher. I think I’m in love, and I might go read it again, even though I should be writing. *swoon*"]

6.8K words

Gutted - @idreamofhazel

A case fic with some Dean + Reader sweet-n'-sultry on top. Nice opening paragraph that sets the tone, solid characterization, very creative plot/creature featured, excellent structure.

6.9K words

About Dean's Dreams ⚠️ - @fanforfanatic

This writer has yet to disappoint - and this story is damn near pristine from start to finish. It’s an actual, on god, Dean-in-character dive into the woman of his dreams. Sound fluffy or angsty? Nope. You’re wrong. It isn’t either. What it is, is just right. I’m not telling you any more - when you next have time to sit and read and really absorb an introspective Dean piece, make this your first choice.

Say hello to a new (-ish!) writer, @salt-n-burn-em-all !

Doors 📌

You will not believe this is just her 2nd SPN fanfic - captivating and moving, and even if you're swiping a tear away, I think you'll find yourself with a smile at the last three words.

East of Nowhere ⚠️ - @thecleverdame

You and Sam are strangers trapped in a desolate mountain town where you live alone, isolated from the outside world, for five years.

Very creative scenario that takes you on an intimate journey and - most importantly - has quite the satisfying reveal.

How You and I Will Be - @katehuntington

When a hellhound case in the mountains goes sideways, Dean and you find yourselves trapped in a small cabin, miles from civilization. Rescue is on its way, but will it be in time?

Opening paragraph sets the scene perfectly, you'll find yourself there immediately, and it's a plausible scenario of a hunt gone wrong. (We do love our case fics here at The Nail!)

If This Is A Dream 🚢 - @wendibird

Sam receives a tip about a restless spirit haunting a particular patch of woods in South Carolina - one who has asked for him by name. He must now deal with the thought of putting to rest someone he once cared for, but will things go that simply?

Phenomenal opening line/paragraph that puts you in Sam's headspace from the jump, and boy howdy can we all empathize with him, and it's a plausible scenario, one I personally haven't seen tackled til this.

Men of Cold Cases - @smi727

Sam had uncovered hundreds upon hundreds of cases the Men of Letters had never closed, [and the] idea was to investigate what those stodgy old nerds never got around to. Given the cases were at least 60 years old, the chances that any were still active were slim to none. They should all be milk runs…

Fantastic concept, completely original, and well-written to boot. Bonus? The writer has based the plots on actual cold cases and mysteries, and provides you links to the stories behind the story so you can learn more.

The Ellison Lane Legacy - @sixtysevenandwhiskey

Sam finds a case. You’re reminded of a past you want to forget.

Cheers for a well-rounded original female character who is tough and vulnerable all at once. Interesting and creative story that's heavy, yes, but thanks to skilled writing the flow keeps it moving vs. getting mired down.

Wrath 📌 - @waywardjoy

Shakespeare gets a run for his money here with a small fic inspired by some of his words. Beautifully composed, from the title to the usage of the lines, flows like a dream, evokes big emotion, and puts you right there in the action, breathtaking from start to finish.

The Runaway Vessel 📌 - @butiaintgonnaloveem

A creepy re-working of a popular children's story that will stay with you after you read it. Killer first line, clutch ending, and a detailed, stunning piece of artwork to boot from @lostmymuseagain, what a match made in heaven. This one dug deep, and definitely read like a cautionary fairytale about fate and choices that grandparents would tell/read to the children on a dark night around the fire, give ‘em a bit of a chill in spite of it.

Ring-A-Ling - @winchester-writes & @littlegreenplasticsoldier & @mrswhozeewhatsis

To think, it all started with an innocent post about a tiny bell - get ready to laugh.

Ten Years Gone - @cinnamonanddean

This is a short-and-sweet, most worthy exception to a The Nail rule that no RPF will be on the list, wherein Jensen reflects upon his time on the show.

Carriers - @violetwolfraven

Daddy Loves To Be Murdered - @gabesnonnie

Slay Ride - @bendingsignpost

The Awakening - @rmeisel

The Chosen One - @copperbadge

The Night - @later0varies

Bedtime Stories & How Chad Got His Name - @lostmymuseagain (also see the artwork related to the Chad story here)

The Author - @thebibliosphere

Notes from Nash

The document with my little summaries and personalized feedback for each of these got eaten - basically, I had to re-do the list and time’s been scarce, so forgive me for the lateness.

Also, there was a good handful of stories that disappeared due to what I presume was the purge/people deleting or losing their blogs. I did make effort to check AO3 but I’m afraid some stellar work has been lost for good.

There were a lot of repeat writers and folks I’m friendly with in this edition, more than I typically feature - I strive to highlight mostly lesser known writers and, as noted, mostly fics with <100 notes - but they earned it (and I even chucked a few more from some of these peeps into the folder for the next edition, that’s how hard they’re rockin’ it). That’s why it’s so important y’all let me know about the unsung writers and their undiscovered jewels - submit the story links and your reviews to me (links to your reblogs with your comments is perfectly fine) any ol’ time.

That’s it! What’re you waiting for??? Get to reading!

#The Nail #Supernatural Fanfiction #SPN Fanfic #and more #Nailed It!#Quality Writing #Must Reads #Fic Recs #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days

88 notes · View notes

qforqazaq · 5 years

Text

youtube

Ninety One – Men Emes

Okaaaay, people, here comes a long-awaited comeback from Ninety One that screamed, no, shouted so much culturally significant meta at me I could barely handle it. Ironically, when I was watching reactions to this MV, most people were so bloody oblivious to anything that was happening on the screen that I was painfully restraining myself not to slam my head on the table, but then remembered "oh, right, that's why I'm running this blog in the first place."

Okay, let's start with the video, shall we?

The opening scene is obviously with Alem because if 91's song doesn't start with Alem there's something definitely wrong with it.

Anyway, we have Alem looking like a mo-fo mafia boss, a Kazakh Don, if you like, in an office that's practically littered with KZ references. First, your eyes might catch those weird looking symbols on the desk, which are actually Orkhon-Yenisei runes - a script of Old Turkic tribes aka one of the direct ancestors of Kazakhs - that I was going to talk about for ages, but didn't have a good excuse to. So thank you Ninety One for bringing that up, I can unleash my inner linguistics nerd upon people regarding the subject in a separate post. The runes are actually read from right-to-left (because that's how it works) as "l" and "r", although I'm not sure of their implied meaning here. My theory that means just that: "left" and "right", for whatever deep reason.

So, while you're admiring Alem's outfit and hairstyle as he's showing off his results of perfecting The Stare™ (I had a theory his stares are so intent because his contact lenses keep drying up and it's his attempts not to blink much when cameras are on), you notice not only that Samsung is the main sponsor of this production (is it surprising?), but also that there's a picture of random people on the background, and a funny-looking statue next to the window. Except for that is not a picture of random people, that is actually a photo of the leaders of the Kazakh national movement/autonomy against Communists in the 1910s - Alash Orda, which I'm probably going to elaborate on in another post. For now, I'll just say that these were the writers, poets, social and political activists, the Kazakh Intelligentsia™, who were later prosecuted and repressed by the Soviet regime. Very important addition to the set if you ask me, and very deliberately chosen.

As for the funny-looking statue, that is a miniature "Balbal" of Kültegin or Kül Tigin, who was the General of the Second Turkic Khanate of the same Old Turkic people who used to write in the aforementioned Orkhon-Yenisei runic script. We can talk about it later on, for now, I can only say that 10 seconds into the video and my inner history nerd was screaming very much delightedly at these references. Didn't expect that much meta in such a short amount of time, eh? And we didn't even mention how cigars are allowed now, along with the whiskey-looking tea in a tumbler.

Anyway, then we are abruptly cut to AZ and, shortly after, ZAQ with an eagle. And no, it's not just a "lol, look, a bird", that's the Golden Eagle, a species that was trained and used for eagle hunting by the Kazakh nomads for centuries. Which is why we have it on our flag too. Btw, extra kudos to ZAQ for delivering his lines while having an eagle on his arm without its hood. I would have been more than slightly concerned if I were him.

If you don't know much about that aspect of nomadic life in Central Asia, I recommend watching the critically acclaimed documentary film The Eagle Huntress about Aisholpan - a 13 y.o. Kazakh girl from Mongolia being the first female mastering the art. FYI, it is narrated by Daisey Ridley aka Rey from Star Wars. Watch it.

The scene is black and white, and AZ and ZAQ are wearing suits which look very agreeable.

Then, we have the bridge that is delivered by very blond Bala, which isn't the best look on him in my opinion, but he's wearing a suit too, which is always a good idea. Bala, you must know, has perfected his camera acting and now successfully flirting with it without so much as breaking a sweat. Good job Juz, you know what you're doing.

Now, when we're done sharing niceties, can we, please, focus on the background - which is, of course, all lofty and fiery - specifically, on those symbols carved on the wall? And what are they? Yes, you guessed right: the Orkhon-Yenisei runes, yay. FYI, it says "QAZAQ", in its very palindromic fashion - the meaning here, I assume, is quite self-explanatory.

In one of the cuts we see that Bala is actually there with a dog. And, guess what, it's not just a dog, it's actually a Tazy - the Kazakh national hunting breed, of which, quite frankly, I did not know anything before researching for this MV. See, even I'm being educated here, I feel so enlightened.

After that, we have the chorus, and all five of them are first standing and then walking like a bloody band of gangsters, all suited and effortlessly cool, as if towards an important tét-a-tét with a competing band. My immediate association was Crows: Zero (I'm sure, my fellow Japanese weeboos get what I mean) - lots of shonen swag and badassery. I approve.

In the meanwhile, Bala is showing off his moves, again, very at ease, chill and relaxed.

Chorus moves to the second part of the song with another rap verse from ZAQ. Do you remember that set in the previous black-and-white scene with the rappers? This one is that same set i.e. a carcass and insides of a Yurt - a traditional nomadic portable house used by Kazakhs for centuries. We see ZAQ sitting in what looks like a Khan's throne with battle spears and fur skins of wild animals. And no, nobody is trying to offend animal rights activists and humanists, just trying to showcase the culture here, alright? As you've noticed hunting has always had cultural significance for Kazakhs, and, well, it's survival in the bloody Eurasian steppes we're talking about here, with windy -50°C in the winters you've got to wear something to protect from freezing over, you know.

ZAQ delivers his lines in his usual very efficient fashion, and we cut to Ace walking over to the race track, very stylishly so that it might as well be a car commercial, to a parked Ford Mustang (and, yay, we've got a budget for a nice car now!) that's drifting its tires out in the shots in-between. Did I mention Ace's wearing a suit? I'm telling you, a car commercial.

I have a feeling that a Mustang was chosen deliberately, a subtle shoutout to horses as another culturally significant symbol and animal for Kazakhs. They could've gone for a Ferrari for the sheer visual effect of it, but I suppose Samsung is generous, but not that much.

And then, we have a chorus with a dance break. Interestingly, despite the numerous cuts and camera angles, and even blinding background lights that obscure the view, I did not mind how the dance was shot. The choreography itself is nothing short of cool: very laid-back, effortless, with easy open moves and a masterfully feigned nonchalance. I know I'm using cool and effortless a lot, but what can I do, they are the keywords for this MV. I like those claps btw, remind me of hilarious dances in Kazakh weddings lol. Very ironic. In either case, my compliments to Asiya for her work, bravo.

While you're still getting over the choreography, you're introduced to AZ casually lying among many ladies in night gowns, and yes, we now are allowing this too along with cigars and whiskey-looking teas in tumblers. Don't get me wrong, AZ is wearing a modest pair of black silk shirt with black trousers (can't say the same about his wild tricoloured mess of hair), and evidently still can't take his hands off his nose (he does keep rubbing it), but the whole scene, the wide shot of it, looks so unapologetically hedonistic that it might as well be a Gucci Guilty commercial. Well, Ninety One definitely went all Gucci in this MV, so associations are unsurprising. Scrumptious.

The only cultural reference we've got here is the neon rune "r" on the background when AZ is sitting up.

Then, it goes back to the chorus with the guys standing with more fire in the background. There are other cuts from previous scene including the one with Alem throwing off 10000 Tenge bills with that photo on the back while staring into the camera.

Conclusion? A+ to the production team, especially set designers, Bibotta for the styling, and Yerbolat for knowing what looks good and what doesn't.

All and all, it was a good MV, a good break from artificially colourful secluded studio sets.

Now let's move to the music.

The song starts with, what I thought, those weird sounds from some Japanese instruments, but upon hearing the chorus my immediate reaction was "wait, is it a hip-hop beat from the early 2000s?"

Honestly, it isn't a very pop song. It screams hip-hop, and I dare say, this song was meant to be performed by the rappers only, which was somewhat proven true given that AZ and ZAQ were both writers and composers of Men Emes. Its hip-hop nature shows even in the structure: there are no vocal verses, only a bridge and a chorus performed by the vocalists, and everything else is just rap. And oh my, that's some rap, indeed.

First, can we just address, that once again the rappers of 91 managed to sneak up another controversial line bordering with vulgarity? I am talking about the first two lines of AZ's rap here, those who don't know what I am talking about, ask me about it later. The audacity though, huh. In either case, that got an incredulous chuckle out of me upon realisation. Congratulations, boys, mischief's managed.

AZ was his extravagant self in general, wouldn't say he brought a lot of literary value in this track, to be honest. Well, especially compared to ZAQ (and it is always difficult to compete with ZAQ's lyrics), who's just unleashed the study of "how many words and rhymes with "u" and "ü" sounds I can shove into one rap verse while making it sound intelligible and meaningful." And did so successfully, I must say. Personally was always astonished how masterfully he manages to use the vowel harmony - one of the linguistic traits of the Kazakh language - weaving syllables to the whole other level of wordplay. Lyrically, all cultural references in the MV seem justified, given how ZAQ is lamenting over how "his nation is moving with a snail speed" and such. With this, he is brushing the socio-political problems in the country, it seems. And it is very promising, as in this country high profile artists don't risk doing that.

(Btw, a mention of Surtur was another delightful nod to my inner nerd who loves Norse Mythology, and a reference to Cthulhu was rather amusing. Lovecraft wouldn't've minded.)

I had many problems with voices in this track. For some reason, I couldn't recognise half of them. I only clearly heard Bala, Ace's voice became obvious only when he moved to an octave higher, and I didn't even realise it was Alem singing in the beginning. Was very shocked to know that it was ZAQ, not AZ, rapping with that higher voice in the second part before switching to his usual old school style. We're trying different things, I see, though I wouldn't mind them toning down their tuner game a bit. I know who's singing what now only thanks to the MV.

To sum up, it's a very different 91 song. Not that it's very astounding in its originality with blending different genres in one as you'd expect, but it's probably refreshing to hear something bold, audacious, yet simple, very hip-hopesque circa 2001 from them. It seems they're deliberately trying to diversify their audience throwing a track like that. Which isn't bad at all, I rather enjoyed it. (By the way, those drums in the bridge section sounded almost tribal. Just saying.)

Despite the MV and song screaming "WEALTH", "SWAG", "COOL" and "SUAVE", I do not actually think it was only about showing off. Well, of course, a part of the message was a la "look what I've got in the end, despite all your judgement" with "you're not me" and all that. However, I think it was also targeting and mocking the spoiled kids of corrupt government officials or just corrupt rich "bosses" in general who always act as if rules and law are not made for them. "Yeah, you're cool, but not the coolest, might be rich, but not the richest, and even good-looking but not really. Don't be so full of yourself, you're not the centre of the universe" kind of message. And that imagery of Alem as a mafia boss in his office is juxtaposed with all those cultural artifacts hinting on what is actually more important and valuable, especially with the Kazakh cultural leaders of the 20th century watching from the picture on the wall. And Alem throws those bills as if saying "yes, I'm doing that, but it's just money, so what." Even AZ looks somewhat lost and empty-eyed lying there among girls when he's not trying to convince you how envious you should be right now.

Probably it's me reading too much into this, I don't know, but the MV only amplified the feeling that you've got to read between the lines, it isn't all about bragging.

For now I'll give the MV 9 out of 10, and the song is a solid 7.

Peace out ✌️

#qazaq #qazaqstan #kazakh #kazakhstan #q-pop #qazaq pop #ninety one #mv #kazakh language #ace #alem #bala #kazakh music #zaq #az #juz entertainment #91 ninety one #91 #men emes

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lightshielded · 5 years

Text

spoilers and very VERY long, so below cut.

tl;dr - jarv is a character going through a lot of emotional turmoil caused by the lose of trust in close friends, lose of his family to the very magic they were working to promote ( suggesting to him it was the wrong idea to promote it ), having little healthy support network, and around him is a game of politics where those older and more experienced on the council are influencing him heavily in his altered state of mind. however, he is still a character who cares for his people, wanting to protect his people from future catastrophes cause by magic but also knowing they aren’t all bad so is also shown tentatively reaching out to foreign advisers of allied nations which have advised his father in the past on the subject of magic and is trying to do his best despite being king far younger than anyone should and thrown into the position in a truly horrific way.

important - all is subject to change as we are provided more info, this is just a pouring out of my first impressions and my attempt to understand and rationalise everything under the current state and info provided. also important to note, this includes mentions of suicidal tendencies, depression, ptsd and other like matters. please read with caution.

so as you may know ( or don’t and do not care about spoilers ) our dear prince, or rather king now, has had a very bad day. like he was almost made to eat a rat, and marvel didn’t want to draw him in his actual armour and did in the ceremonial / ig armour instead so i got big cucked out of my hopes and dreams, he got hit with a morg ult when trying to gank mid lane . . . oh and the mid laner killed his dad. what a wonderful day for our dear prince, i mean king.

so a couple things that are unrelated to what i am about to talk about but things that are true in my mind. riot removed jarv’s capture and torture by noxus just so they could have sy/las say he has no idea what he has experienced. just saying. 8 years of basically the exact same lore only to have one of his key points removed at the addition of the character? who then mocks him for it? just saying it’s true. tho i personally still go by that he was capture on my own blog and all, but i have cracked riot’s code.

also like where was shy? i think jarv kinda mentions her but like she is his bodyguard. that’s her whole thing. where is she? i get she tries to lay low but she is meant to be on jarv’s personal guard, but she wasn’t there. now i have a short theory on this. for those who don’t know, shyv is genetically a dragon, her real magic is the fire rune inside her. but otherwise she is a dragon that some how fucked up and became a human ( prior to sy/las it was caused by magic so the magic is technically making her human not a human becoming a dragon and after sy/las the shitty lore we don’t like is that it is the weather ).

so my theory is, since her dragon - ness isn’t magic but is like genetics, she would just eat him and he actually can’t use it against her so they had to remove her. some how. cause plot. and jarv is mopey that she isn’t around, for a reason they wont say :///// that or riot doesn’t care about her or forgot she existed :)))))))

so the actual things i wanted to talk about, jarv’s very harsh language and actions in the comic and short story. they seem so violent from what we know of the prince of the past. and while that might be true i would like to point out a couple things about jarv as a whole before we begin:

jarv was never brought up to fear or dislike mages - ( though would have heard stories i imagine ) which is evident in his father’s own opinions and his lore. this makes his point of view here seem obscure, he seems to hate very strongly despite not doing so before. this is true, but i believe i can provide some enlightenment on this. something similar to this has happened in his lore before. his first conflict with noxus he was introduced the harshest realities of war, it is the innocents that die first. in both new canon lores ( prior and post syl/as changes ) it is stated there were only a handful of survivors out of dozens of towns. it is said what he saw deeply affected him. the carnage there so deeply troubled him and he could not forget the faces of the dead. the atrocities he witnessed were far greater than he had anticipated and it left him very shaken and unable to correctly reason. this caused him to ignore all rational plotting and sense, pushing away all his advisers’ ideas, wanting nothing more the avenge those who died. and this ends badly for him. like jarv really, really loves his people and would do anything to keep them safe. in fact, it is known from other stories jarv doesn’t ask of his soldiers to do anything dangerous he himself isn’t doing. if they must face the risk of death he will do so too. and he has earned himself a lot of respect for that. so we know, jarv is deeply affected by his people’s deaths and is not unknown to react mindlessly out of rage when they are hurt, and thinking the ‘villain’ need to be punished.

our now king is younger than you all probably think - if you take demacia’s lore and the dates / ages we are given, he is quite young. low 20s with a max of about 25 but even that is generous. it is noted he doesn’t know what to do, his mood fluctuating like rising and falling flames, his lore says he needs to be ready but not that he is. this is not to say he is incompetent or emotional because of he age, but with age comes experience that he has not had the chance to garner yet. he is not ready yet in his own opinion and i would agree as well.

jarv loves his family, a lot - and his only family was his father and xin. i think it is important to note, jarv has a lot of love for his family for they are the only people that really see him as a person. his closest friend even had to be reminded to call him by name. so to lose the closest people to you hurts man. his dad just died. okay.

jarv’s part in turmoil - there is actually a story which occurs after the time frame of the lu/x comic ( unless they are going to say the events of the last volume cover a full month? ) which has some interesting links and i’ll summarise all that with my conclusions at the end.

so. onto the main part. why has our fair king turned from someone who sees ‘ the true strength of the Demacian people—standing together as one in defense of their homeland, no matter their differences or misgivings. ’ to ‘ Mages? . . . We should have executed them all. ’ it is shocking. even xin is shocked by how much he has seemingly flipped noting, ‘ Indeed, he knew the prince had always been troubled by Demacia’s treatment of its mages. But that was before. ’ note, xin is saying he was troubled once and these anti - magic outbursts are new. though, i will like to point out, i don’t think the outbursts in the short story or the comic are particularly anti - magic as they are anti - syl/as and anti - murderous rebellion. so from now on, i am going to work through the sections of the comic and then the short story and kind of evaluate jarv’s thoughts and feelings and what i think is happening with him. wow, i hope you like your posts long. ( oh, and i recommend turning the pages along with me since i will not be posting pictures unless it is very important to save on length )

so to begin, we first see jarv at a meeting with a mage - seeker, some council members and his father, reacting to what happened several hours ago. honestly here he is as normal, he is thinking first and foremost for the people and with a very strategical focus to his thoughts. he is trying to both reassure his own father while working to capture the murderers. truly nothing remarkable other than him being a little taken aback by his father chiding him. i can talk a long time how jarv was brought up with very zealot ideas despite the king’s best intentions but that is not for now.

next page is mostly focused on the riots outside but does show jarv’s priorities. protect my father, fight for my people. heck this is even brought up in his ( now very outdated ) voice lines ‘ for my father, the king. ’ ‘ protect the faithful. ’ also cue me getting excited they would show jarv’s actual combat armour since they have the guards all in that good shit but nah they didn’t and i am big sad. i get they set all the demacian champs to their in game stuff ( and for jarv that’s the for show / ceremonial armour ) rather than their lore stuff for accessibility but still i am sad.

and now we get to the fun stuff. wow look at jarv straight beating the shit out of people. legit knocking several people down, making someone into a kebab. the come at me stance. that face he makes when sy/las calls him princeling. so many people call him that in lore. is it even a unique insult at this point? get new material you chain gremlin you.

in the next page we do see him angry tho, at first he is controlled and stoic with his speak, not too many emotions showing on his face. but it is when he puts a threat on his father do we see his brows furrow and leave him quite angry in the last panel of this page. tho, while obvious mad at the threat on the king he is actually keeping his cool. rational thought based on what he knows of the magic syl/as has. but he is a bit ticked off. ( OH ALSO THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART DON’T @ ME BUT JARV IS TALLER THAN SY/LAS WHILE BENDING DOWN AND IN A FIGHTING STANCE AND SY/LAS IS UPRIGHT BY LIKE AN INCH. HE IS PROBABLY SEVERAL INCHES TALLER UPRIGHT. I STAN THIS TALL MAN. )

so the next page is very interesting, we see syl/as talk of ancient and powerful struggles then conjure fire from the pillars. so as far as i am aware this is meant to be a reference to our favourite angels but i am trying to work out when this would have been. i thought they fought in a small town which was all but destroyed and not in the capital city. it is possible that the petricite keystones were at the town and those keystones moved to where the capital would be considering their reverence of kay/le and stuff but idk. super cool tho! it might be explained in the future, or not but i think what i have there is the most rational ( or maybe they mean like various conflicts involving them but not them against each other ??). anyway, we also see jarv getting madder obvious from the last page and then the language he uses, gone from the neutral ‘ mage ‘ to negative terms such as ‘ thugs ’. so the fire heavily wounds or kills the guards and jarv jumps head long into the flames.

the next page continues with their fight which is frankly brutal but they really skimped on detail here. it is shown that jarv cut syl/as in the chest and stuff but 1) no blood and 2) it is no where to be seen later in the comic which is unfortunate. would have been cool. other things which is cool, jarv pinwheeling kay/le’s fire away. i love the dumb ways jarv is shown to use his lance in various media, just spectacular. but yeah, syl/as going for blows in calling him ignorant about the heritage he loves. cause we know how much our man loves demacia. but i think he is trying to goad him. like i said before, jarv wears his heart on his sleeve a lot. he is an emotional man, but emotions can make you sloppy.

so on the next page, we see morg’s magic and again i love this touch but who really knows how it is there. so jarv is taken down by that which is interesting because it affected him a lot more than kay/le’s? i have theories about the magics and how they affect people based on their judgements but again that’s for discussion for another post. so with the guards taken down and then their prince, syl/as finds himself victorious.

so skipping through gar/en’s bit, we next see jarv tied up and being walked ahead of some of the mages. notably he isn’t wearing his crown helm. but also, he is very calm. jarv doesn’t really fear his own death much, he has faced dying before and to him it is simply a risk a soldier faces. so he is rather calm on the walk while syl/as threatens him. though, likely also subdued by the magic from before. but he is also talking a lot of sense, this does end badly, really sy/las doesn’t get what he wants out of this venture, not really. sylas however thinks this funny and mocks him about eating rats ( which honestly i question what he actually ate because 1) idk about you but i didn’t see rats in these panels of his cell and 2) he looks very fit and healthy for a man who eats rats. personally i think they feed the prisoners but since their magic is being sapped constantly by the petricite that they likely get hungrier faster, like they are constantly exercising, and so he ate rats. but also again, lets be real, they removed jarv being tortured so he couldn’t reply ‘ well no, but i survived being tortured by noxus. i have eaten much worse. ’ ( also syl/as uses incorrect style of address here which is either an accident or an interesting hint to the next page - majesty is for kings, highness for princes ) anyway, he drags the prone jarv to the door and...

surprise. the king is already dead by the time they get there. now jarv is obviously shocked and horrified and sy/las is too but i think that is because someone is stealing his thunder and hello his plans aren’t going to plan. this is when things start going down hill for jarv’s mental state. before he was mad but controlled, jarv’s expression on this page are wild eyed. and very much lacking of any confidence he had prior. for once, the prince looks as young as he actually is, rather than acting a stoic faced prince.

now the next page is actually the one i think the artists drew the best for jarv. i really love his eyes in the first panel. jarv’s hunched posture, the looking over his shoulder and upwards, got to say i love the composition. also i didn’t mention it yet but jarv and syl/as’hair almost look the same and idk if that is intentional but i like the idea that it might have been cause it makes our fair prince look very rugged and references his position as a prisoner. anyway. but just jarv’s silence in the last panel, before he was confident and speaking and now his words are trailing off and he has nothing to say. he lost his family and the idea of mages being monsters comes to his mind here. ( also note, while i have cut this out of the image, when syl/as is asking about who killed the king the mages say it wasn’t them but possibly another mage that came with them. this is probably true since it is anarchy at the moment but also there is no blood so unlikely to have been caused by a weapon and poison doesn’t make sense since the guards were dead too. )

but that isn’t the end of it, that is for sure. syl/as lost the king to his own anarchy so he needs a new star of his show. and so jarv continues to have a bad time. he is dragged from his grieving and through the citadel ( and past some really fucked up and burnt bodies wow trying to give jarv flash backs are you? ) and here jarv is starting to have doubts about his father and his own views. ‘ my father was wrong about your kind. he thought he could make peace with you. and you murdered him. ’ jarv puts the barrier between his people and mages at this point, condemning any thought which would have allowed this as wrong. now syl/as then insists that the king could have changed this at any time but we also know the council of demacia is quite powerful itself and the king leaves it to a more democratic style of coming to decisions together and actually regrets letting them have so much power. and jarv is marched outside to be made an example of and executed.

passing over ‘lu/x being a bad ass part one’, we return to jarv being cuffed to this really fancy chair. i like it, but also how extra can you be sy/las. anyway, as this page goes on we can really see the prince’s loss of confidence and despairing states. he starts strong when syl/as claims he has been complacent on things ( finally confirmation that he hasn’t cause riot wont tell me anything !!!! ) and he denies that neither he or his father have, and syl/as knows nothing about either of them. but his words trail off, he is stuttering through his words, head bowed, skin clammy.

what he is talking about is 1) his backstory where he fought noxian invaders of demacia’s outer borders and allied lands, 2) meeting with exiles and we know in demacia their exiles tend to be mages as magic use is given imprisonment or exile - this quite happily aligns with my own head canons that he meets with them to help provide safe passage and resources similar to j3 to the noxians in his and xin’s story - 3) now we can assume he is talking about the same person from before in the earlier comic but he is really dodging around a name. i’m inclined to think shyv right now based on the ‘not so different’ so implying similar but not mage but magical creature. but really we don’t know. though that’s cute. but syl/as simply laughs this off, deeming any effort they have made and mocking his relationship. anyway, jarv just looks really sad and upset man.

and so the next page goes on and sy/las is calling for the crowds opinion on if he should be executed. some ( likely the rebels ) say yes and some ( likely town folk ) say no and beg for someone to save him. syl/as of course listens to his own people only and takes execute as the option, and starts firing up the mages on that. some call for him to be bled ( oh i see this is where they wanted to put the noxian blood letting torture. they got rid of it to be put here i see. ) and another to behead him. and up until the end, jarv simply seems like he is simply given in, accepted his death. eyes closed and almost willing it over. he has already had to deal with one drawn out (near) death before, he doesn’t particularly want another. he only seems perturbed when syl/as tries to force him to eat a rat before he dies. again he is wide eyed, and very disgusted by the prospect.

he is already in a state where his father has been murdered, he has been pulled away from him and forced to march past the magic warped remains of his people both soldiers, councillors and innocents, his death is being made into a sceptical and now he is also being humiliated. also important to note is that he is alone in all of this, his uncle is nowhere to be found, his father is dead, when forced into an arranged marriage with someone he considered a trusted friend he was given no answer but abandonment, and his two friends are no where to be seen. that mixed with the people he loves so dearly gathered to watch him die and some even calling for his death. he is hurting really badly, and if he didn’t want to be sick at the sight of burnt bodies he now wants to be sick at the thought of eating a live rat.

and now we have ‘lu/x being bad ass part two’ and ga/ren rushes in to save them both. the comic doesn’t say and what exactly happens next is likely a flash back at the start of the next comic as i believe the next comic occurs after the short story, as it was released now and not then. but i imagine two things occur in jarv’s mind during this event of him being saved ( which he know he is ). 1) gar/en is right. he can always trust ga/ren. we know his friend is vocal in his dislike of magic and belief in the laws in place, so jarv after these events probably takes to leaning on this view point as it comes from on of the only people he has left and feels safe with him after all he has gone through.

2) can lu/x really be trusted? jarv isn’t blind nor deaf. he heard syl/as and lux talk about them used to being friends, and that he used her to kill people. he doesn’t know about her magic i don’t think, but could clue it out from that maybe, and it is unsure if he knows her involvement with syl/as but he now knows she wouldn’t even deny the proposed arranged marriage to his face and she was apparently friends at one point with the one who lead to his father’s death. this cuts him a bit. ( also i see again, the trying to insert jarv lore into here? with gar/en saving him? interesting but not nearly as emotion jerking as gar/en finding his armour blood soaked and empty next to an executioners post with the pin signifying them as the closest shit in each other’s lives in the bloody mud c’: )

now, we do not know much until the events of the aftermath short story. this story, told through xin’s point of view, is honestly very depressing and provides a lot more focus on jarv’s collapsing mental state. while in the comic he is hurt and distressed, struggling with the idea of his own views on the matter and then the significant pain cause to him by magic and the possible danger it could cause his people, aftermath shows us a prince who has been stewing on it for the night. occurring the day after, it is told to us he does not look like he has slept and his emotions are raw at the surface. i suggest reading the full story but i will only be talking about jarv’s mentions in this.

so our encounter with jarv in this short story occurs with xin finding him at the training fields. he is described as already breathing with exertion and drenched with sweat, a suggestion that he has been doing this for some time now, and his emotions wild and clear. he is also attacking wildly at the dummy, very much venting but also showing us he isn’t poised or in control of himself. yet when he speaks, calling xin uncle, it seems uncertain. i surely read it with a tired and tentative voice in mind. yet, after a pause, his emotions re-flare and he becomes angry again (something which happens several times over the course of the short story). he speaks coldly, harsh, trying to find someone to take the blame for the events, shifting rapidly from seeing xin as family to seeing him as a simple bodyguard ( something from the previous flash backs show the later of being untrue, and that xin is extremely close to jarv ). i also see this as him struggling with his own thoughts and passions, a war of heart and mind - xin being family vs xin being his father’s bodyguard, in extension we have seen mages murdered my father vs not all mages are guilty, i hate them vs i hate them all.

the prince then decides the best way to interrogate xin is by also trying to vent his frustrations with sparing. in jarv’s short story ‘ ebony, ivory, jasper ‘ we see him as a very level headed tactician which is controlled and ultimately able to see the right plays and choices in things where others can not. this is not that jarv. he is literally striking first, thoughts and questions later. xin mentions he is also not taking his strikes lightly, that he is swinging hard enough to break bone, something one wouldn’t do unarmoured or with someone you care about. he is pacing like a stressed animal, gripping his weapon like it is only lifeline, and forcing xin to fight him like it is his only reprise. another point made which shows jarv’s very altered state of mind is how xin also notes his form is sloppy, jarv is a good fighter, one of the kingdoms best, yet he observes there to be ‘ little finesse to the strikes ’ and that ‘ at any other time he would have berated the prince for his poor form—he was thinking only of attack, and leaving himself open for ripostes and counter-strikes ’. now since we know xin trained him and considers this poor form for him, it is likely jarv is definitely not of these traits normally, something further confirmed when he notes these are something he wouldn’t do now or take advantage because he sees them as caused by his justified anger.

skipping past the first flash back, jarv continues to press xin and eventually just tosses his weapon away when he doesn’t get an answer he wants. the frustration and anger is palpable. the prince isn’t the kind of person to discard something so carelessly, to be so disrespectful as to throw something of his to the ground. jarv has been raised to have the ideas of honour and respect and personal value and virtue as being very important, and the disrespect of tossing one of his weapons, staring at it while someone else picks it up, isn’t something jarv in his stable mind would do. yet he does such and grabs his lance - a sharp and deadly weapon in comparison to his blunted sword - and xin protests using them because jarv is unarmoured. now i have not heard anyone cover this exact fact but i want to talk about it for a bit, xin is armoured but jarv is not. jarv is attacking and not caring about his defence. and now he is making xin fight him with their actual sharpened weapons while only xin is armoured. either of these weapons could kill him, even his own by his own hand if he isn’t careful as noted by xin. and just, he doesn’t care if he gets hurt.

i think this exemplifies one fact about jarv, the first fact i mentioned above. he experiences a great amounts of survivor guilt in the time he failed his troops as a youth and now he sees himself as failing his people and his father by not saving them. he couldn’t even beat syl/as. and now he has to live with that fact, and very alone with it now. he is both trying to find someone else to blame to share in his own self torment or at least have someone either take him out of his misery or give him a punishment that jarv thinks is fitting for his failure. and i think perhaps, while not explicitly noted, xin acknowledges it ‘ “You are not armored,” . . . “I don’t care,” . . . Reluctantly, his heart heavy, he retrieved his spear and moved back out into the open area in the center of the hall. ’ after all, it was xin in jarv’s earliest lore which remarked on the prince’s altered mental state as one of the people that knew him best, i would say that perhaps this is our new lore equivalent. and perhaps bring another down with him. ( jarv has always had a slight discard for his own life - see his quotes and his colour story - but this is quite excessive. the others can be seen as brave, this is different )

one more flash back later, they are fighting and we know jarv is not holding back. none of the fighting right now is casual, he is serious and very angry. this is contrasted with memories of xin with jarv and how jarv once idolised heros and here he is wielding the weapon in a very non-hero-like way. and yet drakebane itself moves in conjunction with his own actions like a perfect extension of his body. we are told that drakebane ( as obvious by its name ) was forged by the great weapon smith orlon, the same who made pop/py’s hammer, in order to combat a powerful frostdrake named maelstrom and her brood. perhaps digging into it too much, but i do see in essence that while the sword was not working for him yet his lance remains faithful is by his conviction in its original purpose. this lance was created to slay great beings of magic, to kill dragons, for the great kings of demacia to wield against the mages of the runewars. and this fits the mindset this king currently has.

another flashback passed we come back to a xin who is facing a new set of concerns, before he was worried about fighting the prince with dangerous weapons while jarv are unarmoured and now he is concerned that maybe the prince getting horribly wounded is not the only issue. here we see another drastic flip in jarv, he would never hurt someone he cared about, he is especially known to put himself in harms way before anyone else. and yet. he cut xin and xin is reasonably concerned but also unafraid. while it is only explicitly stated that xin thinks there is balance in dying here but it surely seems jarv also has this opinion. they both seem to think death is what they deserve. yet ( as angry as jarv is ) he doesn’t to want kill xin as much as xin wishes not to harm him. he stops as the blade ghosts xin’s skin, begging xin for answers but upon receiving it ( if not by xin’s confession but by his own reasoning ) he just deflates. he works out xin was sent away and so he is left as the only one at fault for ‘failing’. xin was fulfilling his duty, while he failed in his.

instead, jarv is just remains tired, tired and grieving and alone. through the next two flashbacks and jarv’s reaction to them we learn the late king was a stubborn man about what he believed in and that he often put his work ahead of himself and his family despite his love for his son. and just as quickly did jarv sober did his temper re-flare, upon hearing about the rebellion again he declares that they should have killed all the mage prisoners instead of imprisoning them. xin is shocked by this for he remarks that once jarv used to be concerned with the treatment of mages in demacia like his father but acknowledges that this was before what they did to him and that his anger in the moment is justified. but he still reminds him that his father wouldn’t agree with that, as he wouldn’t have once agreed with that. here it is key to see one of the great hurts in him right now is he feels both a failure and he feels betrayed, he snaps back ‘ and they killed him. ’ the lightshields had been working towards making things better for mages and in jarv’s angry thoughts and he feels betrayed by the ones they were working to help, he feels as if his good nature was taken advantage of and hurt by those he cared about. ( also note, canonically, execution is a murderer’s punishment. killing another is punishable by death and this is shown in some stories. )

just as quickly as this outburst begins does it end however, his fire dies and he sheds any mask of princely facade and anger, revealing he is simply lost, scared, sad and confused again. he grips feebly to support, and weeps. likely not the first time given his earlier description, but likely the first true time where he might realise the full emotion and weight of the situation. and he tries to hold strongly to it, he doesn’t have confidence or stability so he is all but begging xin to be it for him. when he is told that xin sees his life as forfeit, jarv grips at strings to keep xin with him. while desperate it is still very controlled though, controlled and thought out. begging wouldn’t work, but xin’s sense of duty would. and once xin starts to relent, he asks formally, appealing to the formal requirements. and once that digs at him, he appeals to the side that is his uncle, for he needs him as much as his kingdom. strategic in all things but it also shows his reliance on xin emotionally in this point. i strongly believe, if xin denied him he would crumple and things would be a lot worse. even if xin thinks he looks more composed after his breakdown.

and the short story ends with xin accompanying jarv to a council meeting. xin remarks at how controlled jarv is compared to his outburst, likely due to two things: 1) he had his outburst and is now not bottling up his emotions as much and is able to control himself better, and 2) jarv is required to look regal. xin notes that demacia needs a strong leader right now and jarv likely knows that just as well ( which will play a part in his next actions ) and so is portraying himself in such a way regardless of how his emotions might still be. i think this is shown well when he asks to see the note xin was to deliver, the contents of which anger him. it is a reminder of his older self, of his old ambitions and everything that he lost. and so he wrings its neck like he has to his old self and what he wishes to do to those that caused this. this shocks and disturbs xin and he is concerned. it is also important to note that the mageseekers are trained to combat magic so keeping them with greater powers, he increases arrests while the note wished to limit them, is advantageous to his wants.

after this point lu/x 5 will fill but we don’t know much of it so we shall skip over it for now. lastly, we have turmoil, a short story i really suggest reading which takes place one month after these events. as not much is relevant other than a few details and the laws of stone i will summarise. in turmoil, it follows a group of demacian soldiers as they are sent to escort a foreign dignitary to the capital, a mage from arbormark called arjen. the soldiers are uneasy with this and some wish that they could be out hunting the rebellions in the woods instead. two mageseekers accompany them as is now required by the laws. as they escort the mage they run into trouble. fearing the villages of the town wish to hurt the mage they are escorting, the soldiers form a tight perimeter and try to escape through a passage and a building. however, it is revealed the mob is not mad about the mage but one of the mageseekers with them. this mageseeker, under the new laws of stone was made to remove a young girl who he had been working with prior, he laments he didn’t want to remove her for she was innocent and he wouldn’t have required to prior but the laws have changed to become stricter and so all mages are considered guilty. the mother of the young mage tries to kill him but she is talked down but the crossbow still fires in a shot which would have killed one of the more vocal mage hating soldiers but arjen carefully uses his magic to deflect the bullet with only that soldier and the main character noticing. the mage hating soldier is conflicted and says nothing, implied to be having a turn of heart. the mother tells the mob to disperse and the envoy continues to the capital.

now from this we learn a couple things: 1) is is now illegal to BE a mage. prior to sy/las it was only illegal to USE magic and so benign mages were actually educated on how to control themselves at times and we treated more of a sickness at other. but now you’re life is a crime. 2) some of the mageseekers themselves are uncomfortable with this. while mageseekers have often been portrayed as horrific people, it is shown in this story as being more a magic focused police service which holds some corruption in higher ranks but also employs people who simply want demacia kept safe and don’t agree that magic is bad but rather bad mages are bad people. 3) that demacia has a lot of allies due to their defence of realms beyond their boarders and also that they understand demacia’s place and don’t condemn them for it. they understand the position of demacia based on its history. 4) these allies are sending who they think will help advise the new king of demacia best including mages and jarv is NOT denying them entry, which shows a willingness to listen which is a step beyond his much more aggressive stance one month earlier. 5) the punishment for being a mage is exile or imprisonment. currently the prisons in demacia are overloaded and there are prison camps in the outskirts. also exile is seen as one of the worst punishments in demacia. and 6) the rebellion is being hunted by the demacian army.

so, after all this, what can be conclude? it is obvious jarv is GREATLY affected by the barrage of death around him. his pre-existing survivor’s guilt is further exasperated by the failure to protect his father and those he swore to and he feels greatly betrayed by many people in his life ( lu/x for claiming to be a friend of the one who killed all these people, the mages he was trying to help striking when he is most vulnerable ). he is greatly alone with losing many friends and family and others being seemingly absent from the events, giving him only those with views which would increase his own anti-mage sentiment if he listens to them. he is lost in his grief and his depression and his anger, his empathetic nature stretched to its breaking point and he has no respite. in the end, jarv is doing what he thinks will protect his people, note he likely does not think mages among his people anymore, and will do anything for their safety. but he is also trying to be reasonable by reaching out to his allied nations as a new king and accepting the advise of mages on these topics. he isn’t murderous, but he is hurt and alone and his actions in his hurt are making him more alone. it’s a vicious cycle demacia has always been in, and now our dear newly crowned king has fallen into it.

a little extra: i do think there is a bit of jarv’s lore MISSING given the situation with shyv. i hope this will shed light on what he was doing and how that also affected him before this happened. i also hope they eventually show us jarv being redeemed for this is FAR from the jarv that the bio shows us on his page and i think that is his true self. just, if i can recall, someone i know once said at your lowest you become your opposite and i think this is true here.

#wow um okay #thats long #like 7 k words long #kudos to you if you read it all #its just me throwing out all my thoughts on the events to read #also not going to lie #this was so long #i didn't edit it at all #sorry for the grammar errors #about /#— out of character `

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actuallyadhd · 5 years

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My husband is autistic, I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADHD and have a provisional autism diagnosis. We both have executive dysfunction issues. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and my anxiety just keeps getting worse about how we're going to deal with getting things done once the baby is born. I normally have it under decent control, but with the anxiety getting worse and the resurgence of depression symptoms, the executive dysfunction has gotten so much worse. (1/2)

Really hoping I don’t have to deal with post-partum, but even if I don’t, we’ll still be dealing with lack of sleep. I feel like we’ll be able to adequately handle the baby and clean up after changing diapers, but I’m worried about everything else like cleaning the house. I know we can ask for help, but I don’t want to get dependent on the help either. I couldn’t find anything on the blog about parenting with ADHD, especially executive dysfunction. (2/2)

Sent February 7, 2019

I’ve been meaning to write some posts about parenting with ADHD, now that I’m nearly four years into it. I gotta add that to my list. *does so* Okay.

Now, I will note that you’re ahead of me in all of this because I have never in my life had the housework under control. But we are all doing well, my kid is generally healthy, and that’s the biggest thing.

You have a couple of weeks until the baby comes. In that time, figure out what things are non-negotiable: that is, things that if you can just stay on top of them, you will feel like things are going okay. For me, that’s dishes and laundry. When those get behind, I start to feel frazzled.

And next comes a whole lot of suggestions and advice.

Try to get the house clean before baby comes, and enlist help to get it there because you are not as mobile or flexible as you will need to be in order to get everything done.

Choose a couple of locations where you will be feeding the baby, and get those places set up ahead of time with reading material, phone charger, etc. Make sure you have a blanket for your legs, and you definitely want a comfortable chair, preferably with arms so you can rest your arms with baby’s head on your elbow. Think about including non-perishable snacks and drinks you can enjoy at room temperature. I mostly fed my son in the living room, and I breastfed him, but even if you’re bottle-feeding you’ll need stuff to do and you may be sitting there for a long time sometimes.

Think about where you’re going to change baby’s diaper, too. Again, I mostly did that in the living room, but sometimes I did it on my bed in the bedroom. Set up all potential locations with wipes, diapers, etc. (we did cloth initially so I had pins and diapers and diaper covers and diaper cream in a box that was easy to grab and carry wherever I needed it).

I’m not going to advise you about sleeping arrangements beyond the recommendation that baby sleeps in the same room for the first six months. This helps with SIDS. We put my son’s bassinet next to my side of the bed, and when he woke up for a feed I got up and carried him out to the living room. This worked for us because my husband has a regular job with a half-hour commute each way. Of course, executive dysfunction being what it is, my son’s room wasn’t actually fit for him to inhabit until he was 18 months old, when we decided to finally put him into a proper crib because he was climbing out of his travel crib in our room. Remember that for a baby, 5 hours in a row is “sleeping through the night”; it’s easier to deal with the interruptions if you’re not expecting different. By about six months, baby should be sleeping longer and longer at a stretch. You can find more about sleep solutions at Precious Little Sleep (really helped me; so did the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child, by Marc Weissbluth). (Note that I am not into “Attachment Parenting” but I am into Respectful Parenting.)

Okay, here’s what saved me when my son was tiny: if he was awake, and happy, and fed, and had a clean diaper, I put him on a blanket on the floor in the living room and let him do his thing. I lay him on his back, which gave him lots of opportunity to move his body however he needed to, and I didn’t bother with mobiles or anything, though sometimes I did put a toy where he could bat it with his hand or see it if he turned his head. Babies are new to this world, and there is loads for them to take in this way.

I talked to him all the time (oh, wait, maybe that’s why he doesn’t stop talking now). I told him what I was doing before I did it. If I was leaving the room, I told him where I was going and when I’d be back. If he cried, I responded by talking first, letting him know that I heard him. If he cried for longer than a couple of whimpers, I went over to him and asked what was wrong, commented on whatever was going on, and put my hand on his chest if he seemed to need my touch. If that didn’t help, I picked him up and investigated. After a little while I knew what cries meant what, and I didn’t need to wait and see most of the time.

The idea here is that you don’t have to hold your child constantly, so you can do other things when they’re awake (not just when they’re asleep). In addition, the wait and see approach to crying allows you to support the baby when they’re upset and to learn what different cries mean, while also giving them space to figure stuff out for themselves (like self-soothing, for example).

As baby becomes mobile, you will want to set up a play space that is totally safe and doesn’t require your supervision. A lot of parents who do this use a playpen initially and then move to gated areas in the home. You’ll need to think about furniture (it should be anchored to the wall if there’s a possibility of it toppling), outlets (block them with those child safe thingies), and so on and so forth. You don’t need a lot of toys in this space (if you Google “yes space” you’ll get the idea), and they don’t need to be extravagant. This gives your child somewhere to play independently, and you can do things elsewhere (checking in regularly, of course).

Back to new baby stuff: you’re going to be tired after baby is born. If people offer help, take it, especially for the first month or so.

Giving birth is a physically demanding activity. I had an emergency c-section, and if that happens you will be recovering from surgery as well as caring for a newborn.

I have a good friend who gave birth to twins in September (no c-section and I’m pretty sure no painkillers either), and they were in NICU for a while, and she went back to work (she’s a paper carrier) after two weeks because it’s good for her mental health. (She’s married. Her husband did her routes while she was off, and he also cares for the kids—they also have a 5yo—when she’s sleeping as he’s seasonally employed.)

Everyone recovers at a different rate, but it does take at least a year to fully recover physically from being pregnant and giving birth. So cut yourself some slack and ask for help if you need it. You won’t become dependent on it if you want to eventually do it all yourself again.

You can ask any questions you have and I will do my best to answer. Congratulations, and I hope everything goes well with the delivery!

-J

#ouzoathena11 #ADHD #Actually ADHD #asks #parenting #babies

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fantroll-purgatory · 5 years

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first submission here!

First troll I’m sending in here I’m EXCITED AND NERVOUS about how this is gonna go down! AaaaaH!

This is a really solid troll! You’ve really though these things out. I’m probably going to have minimal recommendations for changes! World: AU Alternia! Many of this AU’s differences don’t effect this first fantroll I’m sending for review here though; and I feel as if it would be more applicable to put the AU differences with characters that are heavily influenced in that regard. Name: Dipala Venmor - Dipala comes from the scientific name of a species of bee-flies. She’s quite the “busy bee” and has a love of gossip or being like a ‘fly on the wall’, hence the connection. And bee flies are a species of insect that invade actual bee hives to lay their eggs and raise their young. So with goldbloods having an association with bees; I figured that Dipala’s theme being that of a “fake bee” and being a caste below them would make for a weird joke in context. - Venmor comes from the vena amorus, or the vein of love. It’s supposedly a vein located in the ring finger that is connected to the heart directly. Which is why we put wedding rings on our ring fingers and whatnot. She’s looking for love, pity, hate, and rivalry in all the wrong places. ((more on that later, ha ha.))

These are both great names for her! One comment I have is that bees aren’t so much associated with golds as they are associated with Sollux in particular. Remember that on Alternia, bees are probably most associated with technology because of the power of Apiculture Networking. I think Bee Fly is still a great themeatic tie for her, though. She is both interested in technology through webdesigning and leeches off of other people. Very Bee Fly.

Age: 7 sweeps ((approximately around 15 years old))

Story: ((Don’t worry I included info for her theme after the goals section; as I felt that understanding my goals for this would make the theme troubles make sense in context!!)) Onto Dip’s story synopsis real quick: Dipala Venmor is one of my fantroll session’s premier troublemakers. She’s a HUGE gossip loving, rumor mongering, wannabe information broker for the Alternian Fleet…… although because of her blood color she’ll most likely get stuck moving cargo around a ship than deal with any sort of secret spilling and collecting job that would be more in-line for olives and up. And that she’s also still a kid so no ship will be picking her up anytime soon. But hey; she can still have a hobby, right? There have to be other trolls interested in the scandalous happenings in the world besides herself…… right? Unfortunately for us and whatever troll catches Dipala’s eyes… she’s not exactly wrong about her fellow trolls across the hemospectrum wanting to know this sort of shit. So for now she mostly runs a couple of blogs and social media accounts dealing with all kinds of Alternian gossip around celebrities of all kinds and highblood shenanigans. Especially highbloods though because she adores all the drama they get into and start up 24/7 given their more aggressive natures and whatnot. To her it’s just like watching reality TV! However she’s also keen to spread falsehoods too, just to see what would happen. She’d also probably be deader than a doornail at this point if it weren’t for a lot of her innate talents and being REALLY FRIGGIN’ GOOD AT BEING DISHONEST AND SNEAKY. When she isn’t causing trouble and gathering facts and half-truths to keep herself safe and sound or her and her followers sick amusement; she works as a kind of job that’s a mix between a medical assistant and a tech support gal for other trolls in her humble suburb/subgrub area; and accepting supplies of mind honey as payment so she can satisfy one preferred half of her lusus’ diet. She knows her way around all sorts of troll biotech due to her more pervasive hobbies and her own psychic powers; so by extension Dipala is quite knowledgeable on how things work and how the tech interacts with the rust/bronze/gold and limebloods it can inevitably involve. So some of the trolls in her hivestem/apartment complex view her as exceptionally important and helpful despite her many, MANY secrets. Why she doesn’t pursue this as a main hobby instead of her other far more invasive ones is beyond me. Other than that she interacts and befriends/becomes enemies with/flirts with the other trolls in her eventual Sgrub session. And will hopefully become a better person after that shiny new universe pops into existence. I hope. I’m still very much scripting out how I want her, her session, and my fankids’ stories work out. So I hope I managed to be concise about what I have for her story thus far!!

One thing you should definitely ask about this background is how a bronzeblood like her got access to the medical equipment necessary to take care of medical assistant stuff. I know she has the psychic powers that you discuss later down the line, but there’s still a bit of technical particularity to be accounted for and we’ve seen that lowblood access to medical care is questionable (they don’t get prescription glasses but they do get wheelchairs if they need) (who knows what Alternia is doing).

Does she home-grow the materials she needs for biomedical implants. Does she work Under another, richer troll who has more resources and can thus provide this service? Did she USED to work under another, richer troll and then steal their shit/kill them/usurp them/blackmail them/etc?

Oh oh oh another fun thing you could do is try to play like. The Doctor-Barber sort of angle. She’s the local medical helped and ALSO the local hairdresser for all the other lowbloods in the hivestem. And you know what hairdressers do? Gossip. What a busy bee (;

Another question is why she doesn’t just grow the apiculture network to produce mind honey herself? Silicomb Beehouses sound like exactly the kind of biotechnological material she might be able to impact with her psychic powers. Bronzes love Creature Comforts, so her making her own lususfood and using payment to buy herself nice things would be more in line with Bronze Tendencies. Chase that highblood luxury from the comfort of your shitty apartment.

Goals: Hooo boy how am I gonna put all of my billions of questions here?? I want to make sure my girl Dipala here isn’t a Vriska ripoff. As well as making sure that she’s an okay character and not overpowered in general.

She’s definitely not a Vriska ripoff! She has a totally different character and set of interests to Vriska. Was Vriska a biomedical gossip girl? Is Dipala an ancestor-obsessed pirate? No to both of those? You’re good. You’re un-Vriska. For further clarification, I had a LOT of fantrolls and kids. I now downsized the trolls back down to 12 to fit a “session theme” like the canon ones did with the zodiac. However; all my trolls still have a lot of remnants of their older themes mixed with the new, so I’m also kind of paranoid that wouldn’t work or be concise and concrete enough for them if that makes any sense? My trolls were also all created before Hiveswap and the Friendsim; so many of the psychic powers I gave my fantrolls then wouldn’t technically be canon. But at the same time I also feel like straight up changing their powers to the more canon ones kind of messes with their themes and who they are as characters.

Characters in homestuck always have multiple things going on that make them more well-rounded and interesting! Equius was into archery and horses because he was Sagittarius themed, but he also liked Robotics, and that didn’t take away from the cohesion of his character. More interests and themeatic building can sometimes take away from a theme if it doesn’t make sense, but generally speaking, additional layers of complexity are a good thing.

As for powers, there’s usually ways to keep them similar while also tightening them up into EZ Standards anyways! I also feel as if my characters or parts of them are “too quirky”. Seeing as Homestuck has a lot of weird stuff going on in it that make it what it is, I’ve been trying to sort of channel that into all my ocs. And whether or not I’m successful with that, I legitimately have no idea. Sometimes I feel as if I may have went over the top to a ridiculous degree or am making a character way too bland and uninteresting.

Listen, writing characters (especially HS characters) is all about having fun. So long as you’re having a good time, Quirk It Up. Homestuck is all about batshit characterization. I should also add that I’m the anon from WAAAAAAY back who youth rolled into your ask box asking about character interests and their voice, and how to differentiate them. And other than than that the only thing I can think of that I’d be remotely confused about would be the dream moon and classpect! Because when you got 12 trolls who can’t share the aspects/classes etc; things can get a tad difficult figuring which aspect goes well with which character. In conclusion: I’m actually very nervous and could use all the help I can get!

Well, we’ll help you sort it all out! Theme: My overarching theme for my 12 trolls are all the lyrics to the Twelve Days of Christmas song. Each troll represents one of the gifts given to the singer in that song. However the order of the gifts given isn’t the hemospectrum order; but the order in which the trolls enter their game’s Medium. Dipala here is the fifth gift! The five gold rings! However she also has a bit of a spy and “fly on the wall” theme going on that’s a remnant of her being a Musca constellation themed troll. But I thought the old theme could work and mix well with the new theme. I mean there is that old saying “like flies to honey”; as in trapping things by seeming “””nice”””. Honey is gold and sweet. And since she’s so tricky; she’s not even an actual goldblood. She’s basically a trickery sandwich with layers of lies. And if you REALLY want to get crazy, the mineral Pyrite can come in colors similar the to the color of bronze used in the hemospectrum. Pyrite is called fool’s gold. Dipala is deceptive and isn’t actually goldblooded despite her psychic powers.

What you’re doing here is what I call “overjustifying.” You don’t have to do backflips of logic to explain two concurrent themes. To go back to Vriska- she’s obviously spider/scorpio themed, but she also is themed around pirates, and it’s not because (what I’m about to say is made up) Pirates Used To Use Scorpio To Guide Themselves While At Sea And– no, she just likes pirates. She just has fun doing pirate things. You don’t have to stress yourself out trying to make these kinds of connections, because they can ultimately cheapen things and make them feel one-note. She is 5-gold-ring themed and also likes to gossip and spy on people. Don’t stress about it too much, that’s all you gotta say. Also she’s bronze because the symbol language is big on circles. The shape of rings. And seeing as I already have had my trolls with an established blood color for so long; Dipala to me looks really off to be and does not fit the personality parameters that the gold signs seem to have in the extended zodiac. And to me making the goldblood the “five gold rings” character felt too obvious, and her design with the goldblood color pallet didn’t look right to me either and I wanted to try subverting expectations. Whether this does or does not work well with Dipala, I’ll leave that for you rad blog mods to help me with this if you feel I might have picked the wrong color and whatnot.

I think she works well for a bronze! You’ll just have to do the legwork to make her fit that bronzeblood coloration, but I definitely think she suits it well. I also think you need to stop leaning on the goldblood association so much. Don’t worry about it. No one is going to connect her to goldbloods if you don’t draw that connection yourself. Hopefully that makes her name meaning and my goals for the review here a bit more clear!

Strife Specibus: Taserkind. She’s bug themed kinda so it makes her a bug zapper. I will not apologize for this shocking pun. Gold is also a metal that conducts electricity pretty well. She’s the five gold rings. S T E A L T H P U N S .

Fetch Modus: Password Journal. You ever see those shitty password journal toys that were voice activated? And how you had to be super clear when saying your password to get it open again? And how nine times out of ten it was just a shitty piece of technology that just never worked when you needed it to? That’s Dipala’s modus. And unlike the biotech she works with; this is that same shitty hunk of plastic. She thought it would be cool to use a modus that’s so mysterious and eccentric. But now she just regrets putting her mitts on the thing and now has to deal with a piece of tech she has no frame of reference for how it works. Buuuut she’s also too stubborn to give up on figuring out on how it works now! Any day she’ll figure it out!! As for how she came across a modus unlike the rest of her world’s tech? Her modus was sent with her on her respective Sgrub meteor as a wiggler.

Okay I love this.

Blood Color: Bronze

Symbol and Meaning: It’s a combination of multiple symbols to fit the bronzeblood alphabet and her theme. Said mix includes five empty circles to represent the five gold rings. But it also combines the alchemical sign for honey and the astronomical sign for the sun. The sun has ties to gold symbolically; and the honey alchemy symbol is actually in reference to her lusus! The positioning of the sign was also done to slightly reflect for the symbol used for the Musca ((or fly)) constellation. And for the record, I have a headcanon that IS canon in my AU Alternia that each sign in the extended zodiac as a HUGE variety of alternate signs for each sign. In Dipala’s case, her symbol would be one of the many, MANY variants for the Taurittanius sign. Or, if you think Void or Prospit shouldn’t be Dipala’s respective aspect and dream moon; it would then be a variant for whatever the name of her “new” zodiac sign she’d get upon revision.

I think that’s a good way to look at things, and it works well for the sign language!

Handle: gadflysFalderal [GF] Gadfly refers to a person who antagonizes or pokes fun at another person just for the heck of it. It’s also a pun because of her “fly on the wall” theming here. Falderal is a synonym for nonsense and can also mean a showy but useless item, fussing over things and can also refer to a “meaningless refrain in a song”. Also her trolltag’s acronym is GF. Her dream of some sort of future quadrant romance is right out there in the open. ((I should also give a quick heads up that my kids’ and trolls’ handles go by a different four letter username pattern. The canon gang all had the GCAT to choose from because it’s tied to DNA and how they have all participated in creating a new life/universe. But here the go-to acronym is GIFT. Because the troll’s overarching theme is of the aforementioned obnoxious Christmas carol.))

Quirk: All uses of s become two z’s. Z’s also double. When excited or expressive she quintuples all of her o’s. Also uses a TON of heart emojis that look like little bugs; and will every once in a while make a few bug puns. Like “Do I have your antennation??” or “if you would listen I wouldn’t have to bug you all the time!” and even asking at times for “hive fives!”. She uses these puns very rarely though; and more often than not the shitty jokes are just utilized to annoy the ever-loving fuck out of people for the heck of it. Her online disposition is basically an unholy slurry combination of an overly and almost sickeningly sweet attitude with a somewhat subverted “”valley girl”” or “popular and prissy popular middle school girl”” archetype. Be very afraid. Here have some quirk examples real quick: The quick, brown fox jumpzz over the lazzy dooooog! 03 03 03

This is great.

Special Abilities: Dipala can “commune” psychically with troll biotechnology. Since troll tech seems to be a weirdass unknown husk thing; and living tendrils can connect to psiionic trolls to power friggin’ SPACESHIPS… I figured it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch for a troll to have superpowers to talk/slightly control the stuff through thoughts alone. If bronzebloods talking or controlling animals is a very common psychic ability for them, why not their biotech? However; since her old eye got stabbed and replaced with a robot one by a friend of hers after an accident… her ability feels “muffled” to her; as she can accidentally mess with her own eye inadvertently if she isn’t paying attention or experiencing stress or frustration with communing with these kinds of computers. So it works, but she has to really put her all in it to figure out what’s going on with it. use it. However; after she turned 6 sweeps, she started to develop a second psychic power.

Biotech IS a living organism that isn’t a troll, so I definitely think it falls under the dominion of what bronzes would be able to communicate with. But we have seen through Vriska and Equius that Robotics and Biotechnology are definitely two differentiated things on Alternia. She would need a biotech eye specifically if it was going to be a problem. And even then you could argue that maybe her eye could Advance her powers in that instance? Maybe that could even be the initiation for the second psychic power (; This “newer” psychic power is she can read troll’s minds. She’s unsure of how exactly she developed it in the first place; but she hypothesizes it might be tied to how often she’d interact with the occasional troll tied into all sorts of gadgets. It takes a LOT of concentration on her part to get it to work. If she gets extremely angry, frustrated, flustered, or upset it might not work at all; or even succeed but giving her the wrong thought or piece of information that she intended to use or want to find out. And even then, since she’s only been practicing with it for one sweep thus far; it still can get very bad or unwanted information. She could intend to pull out a secret she wants to know deep in her target’s brain; but end up receiving and experiencing the target’s daydream or find out what they’re going to get at the grocery store that day.This power works on all trolls, but Dipala’s power is also in danger of being useless if the one specific troll in question is experiencing forgetfulness, confusion, or other kinds of memory or knowledge issues her target might be experiencing. The thoughts she could get back from these instances are either incredibly jumbled or incomprehensible to varying degrees, or she might not get back or find anything at all!

Remember that lowblood psychic powers don’t work as well against highbloods and that ceruleans in particular have a very strong psychic fortitude. If you don’t want her to be overpowered, keep this thing in mind. Her abilities would probably be least effective against Ceruleans, Blues, and Indigos, with Ceruleans and Indigos probably giving her some type of consequence for trying to jack into their brains. Get chucklevoodoo’d, motherfucker. Her robot eye offers her psychic powers very little in the way of improving them. She can access a sort of lock-on like targeting system to help her with focusing and honing in on the thoughts she wants to extract from troll’s heads… but since her eye has a built-in tech that gives her 24/7 access to the internet……. She often gets social media updates at the worst times possible and break her focus. It’s kind of hard to see things when a random ad pops up in her field of vision. She can scroll through troll’s version of twitter even while she’s sleeping and unconscious, but at what cost? And yes, she is often exposed to pro-empire popup ads and subliminal messages like Jane Crocker was exposed to on her computer in canon, too. I also like the idea that when she is using her powers or in deep thought about something, her little robotic pupil turns into the swirly loading circle ring-like cursor. Or use emojis or emoticons in real life inadvertently. For one example, if someone gave her a wonderful surprise gift her pupil would look like her quirk’s hearts emoticons: 03 03 03. I’d give more ridiculous examples, but there’s waaaaay more important things I gotta put in this wall of text submission still! Lusus/Guardian: A bugbear. Just imagine a very large bear with fly or bug-like eyes and antennae. Yeah it’s kinda freaky. Its main diet consists of mind honey and all sorts of raw meats. And due to her confined living space in a hivestem apartment complex, Dipala often has to take her mom for walks to keep it healthy, fit, and regulated. The last thing you want is an angry bear with cabin fever in your home! Her lusus also accompanies her and is utilized in her current field of work/psychic help day job. And the younger trolls Dipala helps LOVE her lusus, as it isn’t too aggressive in regards to younger and fairly harmless young trolls and their respective animal parents. But like most bears, you don’t mess with it and it won’t mess with you. And because of this lusus; you can see that Dipala’s symbol has the alchemy honey sign incorporated into it is a reference to bear paws, like her bearmom!

Interests: Gossip, stalking ((although she would never refer to it as such)), social media, blogging, trolling online, investigative journalism, writing diary entries ((and reading other diaries that do not belong to her)), web design, quite a few other computer or technology related activities, people watching and lurking on other’s social media pages, homemade remedies and first aid, social events ((like nights out with her friends, parties, dates, tutoring younger trolls with tech stuff, just hanging out in general)), TV crime dramas like Alternia’s equivalent to Law and Order and whatnot, romance shows, any sort of big star-studded movie, anything in media related to secret agents or spies ((she has crushes on the many different Troll James Bonds)), and is slightly involved in online fandom’s shipping and fanart culture for her respective shows and movies. She would also enjoy shopping; but given how the Alternia’s retail businesses and delivering or selling things to lowbloods being late and whatnot……. Yeah she has a bit of a love/hate relationship with the activity.

Okay… you know how sometimes people online will create social media accounts posing as celebrities. What if she does that sometimes. Engaging passionately in RPF really ups the Creepy Factor. Also:

[Dipala voice] Tell me Kenneth, has a cheesy tabloid journalist ever won the Pulitzer?

(Don’t mind me I have terminal referencing Scream (1996) disease)

Personality: Dipala is an exceptionally cheery and bubbly gal. She loves socializing and interacting with other people not only a socialite level; but a sociological one as well. As I’ve stated prior in the submission here; she’s really good at keeping things under wraps despite her jabberjaw tendency and preference to be overly affectionate and predominantly open with most people who come into contact with her. Despite hiding a lot of various kinds of info or secrets isn’t using a facade to hide things as a distraction; she really is this energetic and socially indulgent with others. Which might be worse, now that I think about it.

In contrast to most teens in her age group; she’s surprisingly confident in herself and actually has a healthy level self-esteem that doesn’t trail off into outright arrogance. And combing this confidence with her sugary-sweet demeanor, she can be quite the effective manipulator if the need arises. Making Dipala equally likely to be a suck up and kiss-ass when in trouble, or make someone feel really bad about themselves if they do something bad to her. She’s also outgoing in the sense that she has a lot in common with the stereotypical romance-obsessed, drama queen teen girl trope. Think Mabel from Gravity Falls and her search for romance, being flirty, and dreaming about “typical” things for this age group like swooning over teen stars and whatever cute stuff she can get her hands on despite her economic place in the hemospectrum; and then you’ll have a good start with understanding how Dipala acts. And all parties involved with her for an extended period of time, whether at an acquaintance level or an actual friend/platonic enemy should expect to eventually receive an embarrassing nickname and teasing to a certain varying degree. But heaven help anyone who she could potentially get romantically involved with… because they’ll be getting more than one of those. And if one isn’t cool with that? Yeah, with Dipala that ain’t happening. She is exceptionally persistent and stubborn not only with her treatment with others; but with her pursuit of her hobbies, or trying multiple times to improve her psychic powers. Much like her trollhandle implies, you could probably look up the word “gadfly” in a dictionary and see her face right next to the definition. And if she wasn’t under gadfly, your second best bet would be to look under “hypocrite”. She may find the idea of knowing a ton of damaging or private information; but loathes people snooping around her stuff. Like if you wanted to know the answer you’re looking for why didn’t you just ask her, dear? Snooping around behind her back is so rude! She worked really hard to figure these things out, you jerk! Dipala is as excited to help people as she is equally excited to maybe screw someone over socially….. or just be incredibly apathetic for the sake of figuring out why someone acts the way they do or what’s going on with their lives. If they’re a lowblood they can deal with the hate because others around her own caste deal with this all the time! And highbloods are just rich, bloodthirsty, sometimes well dressed and dreamy, drama-filled sources for intrigue or for a few shits and giggles that she objectifies to a degree. She can make a few exceptions in regards to the people she is closest to, or if the person in question is bribing or making some sort of deal with her. But other than that it is all secrets and info is on the table. I’d describe her take on the hemospectrum as a really odd mix between everyone’s least favorite Hiveswap shitlord Zebruh and Daraya Jonjet. She glorifies the violent culture highbloods propagate because she finds it to be really entertaining to learn about and pry into. Kind of like how we would or others would watch petty reality TV shows and controversial government scandals for. Highbloods also tend to be more “attractive” due to their easy access to material goods and whatnot to do so in the first place. But like Daraya, she is a little frustrated that despite all she does she can’t really do too much. So Dipala takes it upon herself emotionally to make the life she wants and to have fun while she can. But she would suppose and sometimes feel that being so low isn’t too bad. As the possibility that highbloods never really expect any low ranking troll to be this conniving. Like most every normal living thing, of course she doesn’t want to die a terrible death. But life is technically short for every Alternian to some degree. If she’s culled for having a grand old time that’s your problem. Your loss for killing a potentially good informant or loyal adherent of the empire!

There’s so much going on here that it’s hard to comment on any one particular part, but you’ve definitely put a lot of love and thought into her personality and it shows! She’s a really well-rounded character and I love that.

Lunar Sway: Prospit! Even though she has what could be considered a rebellious personality. She’s more of a sneaky “adapt to the environment” kinda gal given her interests and how she goes about her life. Hopefully I’m interpreting the moons correctly?

I think she’s definitely a prospitan. Prospit folks can rebel just as well as dersites, they just tend to, as you say, do it adaptively instead of destructively. She’s also reactive and prone to being somewhat capricious and she’s intuitive, emotional. The one prospitan thing she doesn’t have so much of is the ‘openness,’ but even then she’s also not like a Hides Herself Wholly kind of gal. Prospit all the way.

Title: Witch of Void. Witches “rebel” their aspect from what I understand from a couple of classpect blogs. So Dipala “rebels” in a sense to the idea that things should be secrets or mystery and is just. In everyone’s beeswax whether they allowed her to or not. ALSO since Equius in canon had trouble being detected and created a void around him ((which was why scratch couldn’t find his cue ball, as Vriska was his neighbor)); I thought it fit that Dipala has the Void aspect given her shadiness and inability to be found by those who would probably really want to find or suspect her. I also thought Void worked because it is connected to the Furthest Ring in the medium. More ring-theme references aplenty!

I also like the idea of her messing with the void and the horrorterrors beyond for information; only to be knocked down a shit-ton of pegs because her mind wouldn’t be able to process the “truths” or information they would potentially tell her about Sgrub goings-on, her planet’s quest or things that a 15 year old would never be able to comprehend like most people who encounter incomprehensible things. And eventually it would help her understand that somethings are not meant to be known before one is ready; and that spilling secrets is not only a bad thing for Dipala to do; but it could put those she learns or cares about into trouble they might not want to partake in. Given her mischievous personality, really fucking creepy behavior, and Alternian upbringing it’d be quite a while for the classpect to stamp it out entirely but… hope springs eternal. However I could very well be completely wrong and inaccurate with giving her this classpect too!

I dunno where the “rebel” thing came from. I think most people read too much into Rose’s inversion and imagine that this means something grander about Witches than it really does. Does Jade “rebel” space? Does Feferi “rebel” life? Does Damara “rebel” time? Nope! (And really I’m not even sure what that would mean in the context of any of these). They all just have an intimate understanding of their opposite aspect that they use to inform their decisions wrt their Own aspect. Witches are (at least in this blog’s common interpretation) the active Changers.

They twist and shape and change things to fit their needs and their understanding. Just like Jade changes the size of planets and bends space around her and Feferi used her in with the horrorterrors to change the nature of life itself by creating the dreambubbles.

So a Witch of Void is going to change what is and isn’t hidden, which I DO still think fits Dipala here decently well. But I almost think she could be a… Thief of Void? Not to accidentally call upon that old Vriska worry, because the motive is wholly different. It’s just that her digging is in fact self-serving and she steals secrecy away from everyone else to hide herself. Of course, this COULD hurt her by encouraging her already bad traits, so maybe Rogue of Void might be the way to go if you want to encourage her to be more considerate of others. That Passive Player Life.

Land: Land of Pits and Golems or LOPAG. Dipala has to use her void-y powers to make sure her consorts and denizen don’t learn any of the secrets of these giant dangerous golem super weapons that lurk in ancient pits and ruins across her planet. Since I’m unsure if Dipala will still remain a Void player after this review; I’m keeping the description of the land short and sweet on purpose.

Sounds good to me!

Design corner: At first glance I was worried that her design read too… I don’t know, Trying To Be Teal, but honestly the more I’ve looked at it the more I think it works for her. That bronze Creature Comfort thing shines through and it fits well with her kind of romanticization of high blood life. This could be one of those things where she saved up a ton of money for a long time just to buy a particular cute jean jacket just because an influencer advertised it to her. Or she bought it on Troll Wish. it’s fine. But yeah I like her look! I’d rethink the yellow eye since it dos call to mind the goldblood thing, but otherwise no changes.

Thanks in advance for my reviewing my fantroll! I look forward to seeing your verdict whenever that may be! 👍

Thank you for your submission, I had a great time with this one!

-CD

#brownblood #bronzeblood #submission #review #cd review #spritefright #dipala venmor #dipala #venmor

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mittensmorgul · 5 years

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Hey mittens! I have a new friend on tumblr who is struggling. She wants to be a writer but her fics aren't being seen. She's frustrated. She wants to give up. I've given her the best advice I can give. I'm a small blog but I keep writing all the time. Trying to give her advice, but not sure what else I can do. She's in her mid twenties, lives at home, doesn't have a job or a car but desperately wants to. She's stuck and needs help. What else can I do and what advice would you give? Thank you!

Heck, I have no idea. D:

Write good? >.>

(haaaaa three hours after I started typing this, with the intent of replying privately, I’ve officially invested too much time in it not to post it… under a cut for length, and because I have officially run out of mental energy and real-world time for dealing with it for today…)

I mean, I see advice all the time on how to get seen/noticed around here, and half the advice conflicts with the other half. It’s hard to even guess what worked for anyone sometimes.

There’s networks she could join (I have no idea how networks work, and I’ve been here nine years, so someone who actually uses networks would probably be better to ask about how to do that, but I do know that the point of them is for a group of people to see/reblog member works, so that might help her get noticed).

There’s also things like Profound Bond and Writers of Destiel. These are discord groups, but they both have a tumblr presence (especially @profoundnet which she could look into.) They run challenges, have a really vibrant community over on discord with hundreds of members, and regularly reblog member works on tumblr.

Plus, making friends, working with beta readers or other writing partners will help find new friends and followers who will help spread her works, too. Volunteering to beta read when a “bigger” writer puts out a call can also help– not only in building friendships with other authors but also gaining experience with writing as well as editing.

Interacting with other authors on tumblr, reblogging their work and commenting– even if it’s just “OH GOSH I LOVE THIS” kind of stuff– ESPECIALLY with other “smaller writers” and thereby spreading the word around about each other’s writing will help grow up a community around all of you.

None of us started out popular, you know? And “popularity” is definitely a relevant term. When I started writing fic, I lucked into a situation that I attempted to recreate with the Christmas collaboration thingy I ran, but ouch that proved to be way more work than I really had the time or energy for. I’d be happy to help others run that type of collab and offer advice, but heck if I’ll ever do one myself again. :P

A lot of fic challenges are a good way for new writers to get noticed, too. There’s a TON of challenges out there. Now, something like the DCBB or one of the other larger and more established challenges might not be the easiest place for a newbie writer to cut their teeth. There is A LOT that goes into challenges that newbies are just not prepared for (rules, deadlines, etc., because knowing how to write, edit, and post on a concrete deadline where others are relying on you to know what you’re doing without needing an undue amount of help from the mods isn’t something you want to learn on the fly in a high-pressure situation like that… there’s an assumption when signing up for something like the DCBB or the Pinefest that in doing so, a writer is CERTAIN that their skills– including TIME MANAGEMENT and the ability to collaborate with an artist and follow all the rules (YES, ALL OF THE RULES) and meet every deadline– are up to the task.

So, that said, I’d highly recommend some of the other smaller, more laid-back fandom challenges. There’s new ones popping up all the time, and a lot of them are geared toward specific types of fic (canon fic, certain tropes, etc.), so there’s a built-in audience for their work. Not to mention that in smaller challenges there’s actually more room for exposure, and not having your work drowned in a flood of hundreds of other long works, potentially many of them by already established authors, coming out in the same time period. Readers are literally spoiled for choice in those situations, and an “untested” author posting a 20k+ fic might fall by the wayside while “guaranteed thing” authors works get more attention, you know? Readers have a limited amount of time they can commit to reading, and with SO many choices available, are actually more likely go for the “tried and true” author they’re already familiar with before investing in an unknown author. Profound Bond is just starting the @casdeanflipfest, for example, with a smaller wordcount minimum, and therefore a more reasonable length work for readers to take a risk on an author they’re not familiar with. I might not have time, as a reader, to invest in every 60k fic that crosses my dash, but I will drop everything to read a 5k fic for half an hour, you know?

There’s also event-specific tags that offer opportunities to be seen by a wider audience. For example, for the last few days, the DCBB folks have been encouraging folks to tag Valentine’s Day themed works #dcvday. This is a very laid-back and casual way to put your works out to an audience who’s looking for exactly that type of thing, you know? Other situation-specific tags like this happen frequently (like Dean’s birthday fic, or the Destiel Anniversary fic, or holiday fic, for example).

There’s also fic collections. For example, right now the @destieltropecollection is collecting fics for this year’s lists: http://destieltropecollection.tumblr.com/post/182800717844/destieltropecollection-destiel-trope-collection. If you have fic that fits into any of these tropes, fill out the form and submit them to be added to the masterpost. They’ll be posted in May, a different trope’s list each day. People looking for that specific trope will have a handy list, and you can reach a whole new audience that way. :)

Take writing prompts, if that’s something you’re comfortable doing. People with cute lil fic ideas will LOVE you for fleshing out their ideas and turning them into something beautiful. Or GIVE writing prompts to other authors who accept them. You never know what sort of creative collaboration that might spark. If you have a fic idea based on someone’s post, by all means TALK TO THAT PERSON! Express your excitement about their idea, ask if it’s okay to turn their little headcanon or writing prompt into a longer fic, and I can almost guarantee that the original poster will be THRILLED.

Take fan art as writing prompts, as well! As much as authors Die Of Squee if an artist is inspired to draw something from one of our fics, ARTISTS ARE EQUALLY FILLED WITH SQUEE if you’re inspired to write fic based on their art. Just, if you do this, please please PLEASE actually communicate privately with the author or artist in question before you do anything with it. Make it clear you’re writing out of love for their thing, and not in a selfish grab for attention, you know? Otherwise it feels a little too much like stealing. It’s a fine line, but it’s all a matter of perception to everyone involved. That communication and collaboration is key.

That said, I think 99% of it all is pure luck. But because of that first challenge I did, the next fic I posted was (miraculously!) reviewed by destielfanfic, which I don’t think is the sort of exposure most authors get on their first long fic… This was also early 2015, when there was a sort of Boom Market for fic, and I don’t even think the atmosphere for fandom is still exactly the same, you know? It feels a lot more decentralized, and a lot of the “big writers” from back then have left the fandom entirely, or else don’t write much at all anymore.

But fandom is a cyclical thing like that. People come and go, popularity rises and falls. I think my best advice is to develop friendships with people who are in that same general region of that arc as you are, you know? Build a community, support each other.

I see bitter posts all the time about how “popular” people don’t want to support newcomers, and “elite cliques” of folks are conspiring to hold on to their popularity by keeping others down, and that’s just bullshit. The little group of people I generally hang in tumblr circles with have been my friends for years, at this point. Most of us are kinda stunned that we’re all still around, you know? We all showed up around the same time, and went through these sorts of struggles together. We’re still here, and most of us recognize that we’re only considered “popular” at all by attrition. We survived while other folks rage-quit the show or the fandom. I know that’s not a particularly encouraging-sounding bit of advice, but that’s literally how the vast majority of us got recognized. We just… didn’t quit.

I was blogging on this dumb site for four years before anyone really started to notice me. (and I still know that the perception of my personal popularity FAR outweighs my actual popularity, you know? I’m not one of the elite 1% of writers around here, and I know it, and I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t post long fic serially, and that shows in my total hit counts on AO3. Serial posting artificially inflates hit counts, and keeps works at the top of the results page week after week, and I’d personally just rather post a complete fic to stand on its own. But that’s a dilemma for another post.) Then again, I started out mostly reading meta and squealing about the show, occasionally commenting, asking questions, or adding my thoughts to posts. I learned the lay of the land, so to speak (who was receptive to these sorts of additions and conversations starting on their posts and who wasn’t, and the social conventions surrounding it all), while lurking and not even really trying to get noticed. I made friends with people before I ever started writing fic.

(but I also have a background in original fiction writing, so I already knew quite a lot about author culture in general, and had a lot of experience writing myself before I started to write fic, which likely helped me personally quite a bit. I was able to jump into writing chat groups and had a bit of writing cred even before I published a single fic, because I’d been writing original novels and had already cultivated a group of “Professional Author Friends,” participated in writing critique groups (which comprise Alpha and Beta Reading in fanfic writing circles), and therefore knew how those social circles functioned, you know? I mean, some of the authors from my “Professional Author Friends” circle, who I’ve been friendly with for more than a decade now, have gone on to Big Things in Publishing. And clearly I never did… aah health crises that knocked me off that train. But I realized I’m happier writing fic, without all the pressures that come from professional publishing, so I still consider it a personal win. But I was able to take a lot of that knowledge and experience with networking and building communities with me and transfer it to fandom, so I know my experience is not everyone’s experience.)

I think the main key thing is to create that sort of community. A lot of new writers go directly to the perceived “most popular” authors in fandom, as if they somehow held the key to understanding how to become more popular, or expecting the “popular” bloggers to “pay it forward” and give them a hand up (whether it be through asking questions or reblogging their fic posts, beta reading for them or whatever it may be). But even there, there’s a limit to pretty much everyone’s time, in a real-life sort of fashion. The more popular or widespread an author’s works become, the more up and coming writers will also see their work, and I get how people want to hitch themselves to that, you know?

Not to mention, most of us are entirely baffled by being thought of as popular writers. And again, I’m still sort of on the fringe of that kind of Big Fandom Popularity myself, and still kinda baffled as to how I got here.

But we’re all just people, with limited amounts of time to engage with other people, and a limited number of spoons in our respective drawers for social engagement. I do TRY to do what I can, but between beta reading for my already-established writing buddies (which I still only have limited time for, I AM SO SORRY ELMIE I SEE THE THINGS AND WANT TO READ THE THINGS BUT I CAAAAAAAN’T AND I’M MAD ABOUT IT OKAY?!), and still want to engage with current canon and write and read meta about it, and still want to actually write my own fic, not to mention helping to run the Pinefest (even though Cass does the bulk of the behind the scenes work, I take on a lot of the day to day general upkeep of it all) and still have to engage with reality and my human family that I live with and like… pay my bills and cook dinner and all that boring shit, not to mention coping with those chronic illnesses that knocked me off the Professional Paid Writer train in the first place… it’s not easy to balance out, you know?

It’s not so much a function of “I got mine, so screw you.” I just needed to make that clear, since I’ve seen that sentiment bandied about recently (again), and it’s just insulting. I think the main takeaway here is that Fandom is a Baffling Ordeal, and the key to winning in any way is to build up a community around yourself. If you want to achieve success as a writer, push yourself to write better. Find people you trust to beta read for you. And maybe most importantly, never “promote” your own work with negativity.

I see way too many writers who add notes to their work like, “ugh this is probably terrible.” Just… never do that. Have confidence in yourself, love your own writing, or at least present it with enthusiasm, if you ever expect anyone else to take that risk and read your words, you know?

So really? It boils down to perseverance, networking, and putting in the work to become the best writer you can, with no small portion of sheer luck. There’s no secret magical formula to success, aside from building a community that makes you happy. I’ve discovered that people are really attracted to happiness and positive energy, you know?

Heck I’m worn out just from spending five hours on this post now, in between Real Life Adulting I needed to take care of for an hour. I hope it all makes sense, but I’m gonna go surf my dash for a while and hopefully recover enough brain power to do the rest of the stuff I need to today D:

#fandom problems #this isn't a problem per se but i don't really have a better tag for it... maybe something like #fandom 101 #we're all just random people doing the best we can here and trying to make the most of our own experiences #emptywithout

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lingthusiasm · 6 years

Text

Transcript Lingthusiasm Episode 25: Every word is a real word

This is a transcript for Lingthusiasm Episode 25: Every word is a real word. It’s been lightly edited for readability. Listen to the episode here or wherever you get your podcasts. Links to studies mentioned and further reading can be found on the Episode 25 show notes page.

[Music]

Lauren: Welcome to Lingthusiasm, a podcast that's enthusiastic about linguistics. I'm Lauren Gawne.

Gretchen: And I'm Gretchen McCulloch, and today we're getting enthusiastic about how every word is a real word. But first, it's almost our second anniversary! Whoa!

Lauren: Yay! Next month is our anniversary month. We like celebrating in November. It will be episode number 26. We can do maths, don't worry. It's not episode 24 because we launched with several episodes at once, but we are very excited about our anniversary month.

Gretchen: Yes! And on our first anniversary, we celebrated by asking you to help more people find the show, and you definitely came through. We ended up thanking almost 100 people in our anniversary post for all your recommendations on social media. And we saw a big bump in listeners, which kept going afterwards and even until now. And so, this year we want to see if we can thank 200 of you for recommending Lingthusiasm to people in your lives.

Lauren: That means we need your help. So if you know anyone who could use a little bit more language nerdery in their lives, this is the month to share the show on social media. Email people, text them, send it to your group chat, or just leave a well-placed sticky note for the person in the office. Writing a review or even just leaving a rating on whatever podcast app you use really helps us so much. It helps other people find the show, and it helps encourage other people to click Play if they happen to come across us.

Gretchen: And it helps your friends who need more interesting things to listen to, who want more fun linguistics in their lives. It helps them find something that they're going to enjoy. If you send us your reviews or tag us in your post on social media, we would love to see them, and we'll be thanking everybody that we know about in our anniversary blog post on lingthusiasm.com. We'll pick a couple reviews to feature there.

Lauren: If you would prefer to recommend us privately, please send us an email with the story of how you recommended us so that we can add you to the thank you post.

Gretchen: Or feel free to just recommend us and not tell us about it. You can still get the warm, fuzzy feeling. Plus you'll get to feel a warm, fuzzy glow of satisfaction both when you recommend us and when we thank you all together at the end. Even if you don't tell us about it, you can still feel that warm fuzzy feeling.

Lauren: Lingthusiasm is an independent show, but we are lucky to have a massive marketing department, which is all of you.

Gretchen: Aww!

Lauren: And we really appreciate when you take the opportunity to share Lingthusiasm with other people.

Gretchen: If everybody introduced the show to just one new listener, our audience would double.

Lauren: So this month, take the chance to recommend us or review us.

Gretchen: We really appreciate it, and so do the people who are about to discover the show because of you.

We also have another way to discover the show, which is two live shows! In addition to the Melbourne live show, which is going to be on the 16th of November, we also added a show in Sydney on the 12th of November, so you can go to either of those shows. Just go to Lingthusiasm.com, look for the link that says Live Show to get tickets.

Lauren: We're really excited to be joined by Tiger Webb in Sydney, who is the ABC’s language researcher. Super excited to also be joined by Alice Gaby for our Melbourne show, who's a researcher at Monash. And we're also thrilled that we will have both shows fully Auslan-interpreted as well.

Gretchen: Yeah, so the topic of those shows is how the internet is making English better. We’re going to be talking about a few bits that are coming out from my book and from other things on the internet, and through texting, and emoji, and everything. There's no knowledge of linguistics or of previous Lingthusiasm episodes assumed, so feel free to bring your friends even if they have never listened to an episode, because then they'll have this whole back catalogue to discover. We're really looking forward to seeing you there and meeting people in real life after the show!

Lauren: Other quick exciting news, we have new merchandise, including adorable space babies, t-shirts that say, “I want to be the English schwa. It's never stressed.” We also have baby clothes that say, “Not judging your grammar, just acquiring it,” as well as new IPA scarf colours and now, IPA ties.

Gretchen: So you can get the International Phonetic Alphabet on various items as well as the clever baby riff on “not judging a grammar, just analysing it.” The baby is just acquiring it; I love this one so much. The space babies are so cute. Everything's coming up babies in the merch these days –

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: – including this month's bonus topic, which is about multilingual babies and raising kids speaking multiple languages. For this and 19 other bonus episodes – there are so many bonus episodes now! It's like twice as much Lingthusiasm. You can go to patreon.com/lingthusiasm and support the show and listen to all the bonus episodes.

Lauren: And while everything's coming up babies, probably about time I let everyone know I'm going to be having a baby in January.

Gretchen: What? What a coincidence! It actually really is a coincidence.

Lauren: That’s actually quite the coincidence that – it’s just baby month here at Lingthusiasm. We are definitely going to keep running all the way through December, January, February, and beyond, so no worries about that. We'll still have our main episode every month as well as your Patreon bonus episode.

Gretchen: Yeah, so we'll be recording episodes, and events, and interviews, and so on in advance to make sure that we give Lauren some mat leave from the show and make sure that everyone here still gets to listen to it. And I'm very excited to hear the results of your new, long-term longitudinal language acquisition project!

[Music]

Gretchen: Have you ever heard, Lauren, someone say, "That's not a real word"?

Lauren: Oh my gosh, like, so often.

Gretchen: All the time.

Lauren: It's just a go-to phrase that people throw around a lot. But when we started talking about this idea of what is a real word and what is not, it seems like such a simple throwaway line. But there's so many things that are happening when people say this.

Gretchen: Yeah, there's a whole bunch of different things that someone can mean when they say, "Oh, well, such-and-such, that's not a real word," and it seems like breaking those down individually can help us understand what's really going on here and why – Spoiler Alert – all words are real words. We're going to come back to that. We’ll keep coming back to that.

Lauren: We'll keep coming back to this very important point.

Gretchen: I don't like to do the fake Myth Bust-y thing where it's like, "It's an open question: Are there some words that aren't real?" Like, no.

Lauren: Absolutely not, spoiler alert.

Gretchen: I'm going to start with the answer and then we get to break it down and not leave you hanging.

Lauren: Yeah, so there's not going to be any "Surprise, everything is a real word" at the end of this. We're very happy to state that as a starting point.

Gretchen: "Are some words unreal?" I think it's one of those questions that's like – that’s like saying, "Are some animals not animals?" Well, you're already calling them animals, like, what are you doing with yourself?

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: Are some words not words? No!

Lauren: The thing I find really interesting about the different subcategories of "It's not a word" is it shows how we conceptualise words and how our brain processes different things in different ways. And how language is both this thing that happens in our brains but also in our particular social contexts and interactions. That's why in this episode, we're going to look at all the different things that people really mean when they say, "That's not a real word". Shall we take a tour, Gretchen?

Gretchen: Okay, let's take a tour.

Lauren: We've given them very serious scientific category names because everything sounds so much better when you give them a very official name.

Gretchen: Yeah, the first kind of thing people mean sometimes is the "blobfish."

Lauren: The Blobfish Reaction.

Gretchen: The Blobfish Reaction. So if I'm like, "Oh, yes, here's a blobfish..."

Lauren: What the heck is a blob – "blobfish" isn't a real word, Gretchen. You just made that up. You're not even sounding science-y by saying this is a blobfish. You're just looking at something that looks hideous and calling it a blobfish. That's not a real word.

Gretchen: It’s a cartoon thing. Blobfish are apparently real animals. I googled "strange animals" to try to come up with the best example of a strange animal, and the blobfish one – hands down, it is really weird and blob-y looking. You should definitely look it up. But more to the point, apparently blobfish exist. Apparently the scientific community probably also has a Latin name for them but definitely also calls them blobfish. This is something that, if you hadn't heard of it, like me half an hour ago, or like Lauren until two minutes ago, you're like, "That sounds fake."

Lauren: I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and they are apparently a fish from Australia. So now I'm feeling very – like I've failed as an Australian.

Gretchen: Oh no. But they don't have a name like "blubbo" or something?

Lauren: No, we haven't called them "blobbies" yet.

Gretchen: Ah, I think that's just a failure of imagination. But yeah, so sometimes your reaction is that's not a real word because: I don't think that's a real thing; I don't even know if that's a thing; or I haven't heard this word before.

Lauren: I felt really embarrassed because I was probably about 26 or 27 the first time I heard the word "isthmus."

Gretchen: Oh, okay.

Lauren: And I just did not have it – it turns out, we just don't have isthmuses in Australia. It's like a peninsula- type thing.

Gretchen: Yeah, it's kind of – I don't know what the difference is between isthmus and a peninsula now that I'm thinking about it. I'm sure someone does but off the top of my head –

Lauren: The difference is that I had heard of the word "peninsula" before I was 27.

Gretchen: I mean, I grew up on a peninsula, but I don't know – and there are, definitely, also some places called isthmuses – isthmae? Isthmapodes? What is the plural of an isthmus? I can't even say this word anymore. It's too difficult.

Lauren: Yeah, trying to have the first reaction of it – instead of being "That's not a word," trying to have the first reaction of, "That is not a word I have encountered yet."

Gretchen: Yes, I haven't heard of that. And how sad the world would be if I knew all the words already. Can you imagine not learning any new words? You'd never have that like, "Whoa, what is that" or "I learned a new thing now." Imagine a world where you've learned all the words. That's a terrible world!

Lauren: Imagine a world where the vocabulary was so finite that you'd run out of new words and experiences to have.

Gretchen: Oh, what a horrible word – world. You know, I'm trying to think of examples of this, because I have definitely heard of words far too late and been like, "Whoa, that's a real thing? Okay!"

Lauren: But also think of how quickly your brain managed to absorb them and accept them. I now very happily accept that "isthmus" is a real word and the isthmus of Oaxaca is a real place because my brain is capable of accepting new words.

Gretchen: And that blobfish are real animals apparently. I saw a graph once that said the average adult between the age of like, I don't know, 18 and 55 or something, learns one new word on average every day. We're still learning new words all the way through adulthood even though we think of learning new words as something you do when you're a kid, or when you're in school, or when you're acquiring a specific technical area, and yet we're picking up new words all the time.

Lauren: We're perfectly capable of it. So the important lesson here is that we don't know all the words.

Gretchen: Erin McKean has a really nice quote about this from her TED talk about redefining the dictionary. She says when people think about a place and they don't find that place on a map, they think there's a problem with the map. But when they find a word that's not in the dictionary, they think this must be a bad word. But it's more likely to be a bad dictionary. And I think that really sums it up. Okay, maybe a word is or isn't in a dictionary, but you've still found it in the dictionary, that is something that's just made by people, and they still have to acquire all the words themselves.

Lauren: That's funny how we go, "I don't believe you that ‘blobfish’ is a real word," but it's not like I'm going to sit here and go, "I don't believe you that Carlton is a real place."

Gretchen: Yeah, exactly!

Lauren: And I'm going to take you to Carlton when you're here because there's great ice cream.

Gretchen: Okay, good. Yeah, like, "Oh, Lauren, I haven't been to Carlton. I didn't know there was –" actually, there's a Carlton in Canada as well, because the Brits and colonies and stuff. It's the name of a University in Ottawa. So I've been to that Carlton. I'm like, "That's a real place." But my Carlton is not the same as your Carlton.

Lauren: Well, that is probably true in this case.

Gretchen: I think there's kind of a subset of this category which is using an existing word in a different sort of way. One of the things that I did for my very scientific research of this episode was I looked for the quote "isn't a real word" and "not a real word" to see what kinds of words people were saying were to be a word. So this is how we came up with these different categories as we took what people were saying about something not being real words and we kind of broke them down into the different types of things people do. And a couple that we came across people saying weren't real words were things like "learnings," which is, I guess, used in teacher jargon to mean: the learnings; the learning outcomes; or the learnings that the students will derive from this lesson are blah blah blah. I haven't heard "learnings" being used in that particular context, but I definitely believe that people could do it. And the annoyance that I was seeing with someone calling that "not a real word" was more about being annoyed with jargon, or being annoyed at using an existing word in a different sort of way that the other person wanted to be like, "No, that's not legitimate. I don't want to acknowledge that one."

Lauren: And again, it's this "I have never come across this before so it must be wrong" not "I just haven't had my brain expanded for this new category."

Gretchen: Maybe there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than have been dreamt of in your philosophy, or your learnings as it will.

Lauren: It's also very likely – you could almost reliably put money on this, but especially the ones that people keep coming back to, like "impact" as a noun is one that people complain about a lot. And, like, there’s over years of records of people using that word in that way. Generally, these ones become recurrent cycles of outrage when there's no good evidence that other people haven't been happily using it this way for a very long time.

Gretchen: Yeah, either it's been used that way for a long time or it hasn't been, but we could start doing it now. It's fine. People seem to pass along their annoyance with corporations, or with their boss, or with stuff of being kind of new to you and therefore opaque or difficult to understand, with the annoyance of the words themselves, when they're just – you know, the words are innocent here. They're just channelling your feelings towards the boss or the – you know, there's a lot of corporate jargon going on, or something like that. Saying "learnings" – if people are using it as a word; It's a word now. And "impact" has been a useful verb and noun for many hundreds of years.

Lauren: The next type of "that's not a word" reaction you find is an extension of that form that we just talked about, which is what we're calling the Funner Reaction.

Gretchen: When I came across this one, I specifically saw a lot of people using words like "funner" and "funnest" and self-consciously saying of themselves like, "This game is funner than the other one. I know that's not a word." So rather than using it as a criticism of someone else, like I noticed with the other kind of examples, people were using it as kind of a pre-emptive self-criticism, like, "Yeah, I know this isn't a word. Don't make fun of me for this, but it's something that I want to use right now." And I think that's slightly different.

Lauren: It's something you want to use, and it makes complete sense. So it's something like "impact" as a noun is completely codified in English. There's lots of examples. Things like "funner" or "necessariness" or "squishable" are all words that might not be in a dictionary, but we know what each of the individual parts of that are. We have English morphology that's sufficiently consistent and transparent that we understand what all of those bits are doing when we combine them, even if they're not codified normally to go that way.

Gretchen: Yeah, you can add "-able" to a whole bunch of words. You can say "squishable," or "huggable..."

Lauren: "Doughnutable."

Gretchen: "Laughable," "doughnutable." I think a lot more things should be "doughnutable" or "ice-cream-able."

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: Are the same types of things doughnutable that are ice-cream-able? Like, this is great! It's really cool that language can do this, and it's a shame to see people limiting themselves from this. Well, kind of not limiting themselves, but then adding this pre-emptive fig leaf because we're so used to limiting ourselves by not doing this type of linguistic play. It's there to be played with. Let's play with it.

Lauren: Especially if you are – it's interesting that people feel they have to police themselves on social media, which is a more playful and informal – maybe don't start using non-standard combinations of bits of words in, like, a job application or your Nobel Prize speech. Maybe stick with some more standard forms there. But if you can't play around with language on social media, it's a bit sad.

Gretchen: Yeah, well, and I think the question is not so much where is making up words or where is playing around with words appropriate, but where is play appropriate. You know, certain types of environments like a formal dinner or something aren't necessarily appropriate for playing with your food or playing with your words, but that doesn't mean that other environments aren’t appropriate for this. You know, there is a space for play.

Lauren: Look! I’ve made my soup doughnutable!

Gretchen: Maybe don't do this if you're having dinner with the Queen. Maybe don't. But that's a feature of a particular social situation, a broader social context, and I think we have the sense that language should be more rigid than even other areas where – you know, an experimental chef is admirable. Or if you're good at experimenting in the kitchen, that's a good thing you can do. And yet, people feel the need to apologise for experimenting with their vocabulary. Don't apologise! This is great. This is a feature, it's not a bug.

Lauren: I feel like there are some really expensive restaurants where you pay a lot of money to have ice-cream-ised to soup.

Gretchen: Oh no. It's worth experimenting with this. Some of them are almost so well used that they've taken on status of their own. A lot of people will observe, you know, you can be "overwhelmed," you can be "underwhelmed," but can you be just "whelmed"? Or why can't you be just "whelmed"? Some of these have been around for a while.

Lauren: Poor whelmed. It got abandoned by its cool, more morphologically complex children.

Gretchen: Yeah, its children abandoned it. But yeah, let's play with these things.

Lauren: So "whelmed" was a word. It was a completely normal word, and we added "under-" and "over-" and then we forgot about "whelmed." And now people say "whelmed" isn't a real word. Poor whelmed.

Gretchen: It was real for a while. Why can't it come back? But I think it's a matter of perception. If people start using "whelmed" again, people will figure out what it means.

Lauren: Like a horse getting into a unicorn costume and it no longer exists.

Gretchen: I think another reaction that I see from "Okay, is this a word?" or "Can this be a word?" is what I'd like to call the Schadenfreude Reaction, which is like, "Well, the Germans have a word for this."

Gretchen: We English speakers, we can't possibly, but the Germans must have a word for it. This one always – it’s a very particular kind of reaction because it's a sense of, "It'd be great if we could create a word. It would be nice if this type of thing existed, but I can't possibly do that as an English speaker. We need to go to another language and let them do it," which is a lot of what the history of English-speaking science and philosophy have done, is just go to Greek or Latin and make them create a word, and then borrow it into English, because somehow that seems more legitimate. These days, it's German. But it's the same sort of thing. And I think it's that we create words in English all the time and yet we have this sense of like, "Oh, maybe someone shouldn't do that," or those kinds of things. In particular, German is very good at creating words by compounding them.

Lauren: English is also good at creating words by compounding them.

Gretchen: Yeah!

Lauren: It’s just that we still leave a space there.

Gretchen: Yeah, I found someone saying that for some reason they thought "apple lovers" wasn't a real word. And I was very confused about this because surely all English speakers recognise "apple" and surely all English speakers recognise "lovers." So I guess they're asserting that "apple lovers" together isn't a real word. But you just made it. Congratulations! Now it's real.

Lauren: But it's got a space there, Gretchen, and I'm very anxious about the fact that a word is a thing that has a space on either side of it.

Gretchen: Well, maybe this is the point of the podcast where we have to say: For all that we're saying all words are real, there's another linguistic sense in which a word isn't even a linguistically meaningful unit because where you put your spaces is a certain kind of arbitrary.

Lauren: It's as much a product of the history of our writing system as it is anything else.

Gretchen: Yeah, and the same thing that gives German a word like "schadenfreude," which is literally just "schaden," which means harm or damage, and "freude," which means like happiness or joy, and they're like, "Oh, harm-joy." English could do this too. English does the same sort of thing by smushing together multiple words. There's just – we're more likely to leave a space there and less likely to shove them together. If you wanted to say "apple lover" in German, you could definitely do that. It’d probably be something like "Apfellieber." But you just wouldn't put a space there.

Lauren: Oh, that's right! We should use that in English.

Gretchen: But we could just say "apple lover"!

Lauren: So we could accept that having a space in the middle of something doesn't prevent it from being a word.

Gretchen: Yeah, and there's lots of – you know, dictionaries are really good at adding compound words even if they have a space in between them. It's just they seem like two words for the purposes of – if you're doing word count on your Word document, to be like, "How many words is in here," it will count them separately because they have spaces. But a lot of things like "greenhouse," or "chalkboard..."

Lauren: Smartphone...

Gretchen: Smartphone... You know, those started out with a space in between them and then we gradually got rid of the space. German just goes a little bit faster than us in getting rid of the space.

Lauren: There's also one that I'm sure you have an example from when you were, perhaps, growing up or when you move to a different dialect area, where someone essentially tries to shame you for using a form that isn't part of standard English or is less-used in standard English. We've called this the Ain't Reaction.

Gretchen: I think "ain’t" is the quintessential example of this, because it's so present in so many varieties of English, and it's so shamed in all of them where it’s present, and yet it's still there, and it's still alive and kicking in English. People write letters to the editor about finding it in dictionaries like, "Aaaargh, this shouldn't be there and it's because it's not real," and there's so much animus towards "ain't."

Lauren: How many decades and centuries of people telling other people "This isn't a real word" has it been and "ain't" is still going strong? It just makes me so happy.

Gretchen: Yeah, good job "ain’t," you're a fighter. Well, it starts out as a contraction of "amn’t," like "am not." "Is" goes to "isn't," but what does "am" go to?

Lauren: Amn't!

Gretchen: "It isn't," but "I amn’t." That eventually turns into "ain't." That's why there's no "amn’t" now. Except I think there is in a couple dialects, but not in most dialects. So "ain’t" takes on that function, but then once it stops sounding directly like "amn’t," it's like, "Well, I could just expand and work for all of the different pronouns!" It's very versatile. It's super useful. And yet it's highly, highly stigmatised. The way that that stigmatisation is expressed is, specifically, in this "not a real word."

Lauren: I think it speaks to the fact that "not a real word" gets used as this really broad, un-reflexive, unconsidered response to this thing that clearly is a word people use all the time and that the only reaction you have is "That's not a real word" instead of "That is a word that is considered informal and is probably best not used on this tombstone."

Gretchen: I’m sure someone’s used it on a tombstone. Yeah, I think there's a lot of nuance in that. And this is one of the examples where "That's not a real word" gets used to shut down discussion and shut down argumentation, especially like, "Oh, that's not a real word." "Well, I looked it up. It's in the dictionary." And then you're like, "Well, that's a bad dictionary now because it had this not-real-word in it." It's one of those things, like, you can't have an argument with somebody who won't at least acknowledge what would have to exist in order for them to be proven wrong.

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: You know, if you say, "Well, would you accept that dictionary as a source"? And then you show them the word in Merriam-Webster or Oxford – all the dictionaries have "ain't" – and then you show them there, and they're like, "Well, I don't accept this as a source either." You're like, "Well, you just changed the goalposts now." Who do you accept as the ultimate arbiter for what is or isn't a word? Or is anyone who makes the assertion something isn't a word automatically the correct one?

Lauren: I just feel like if someone says to you, "That's not a word," it's really unfair that the burden of proof falls on you.

Gretchen: But I'm like, "Here's a store that's there." And you're like, "Nope. Not a real store because it's not in the yellow pages yet." I'm like, "But you can walk into it. It's a store that will sell you things." They're like, "Nope." No one's ever asked, "Oh, not a real word? Well, define a real word. What is a real word?"

Lauren: I guess the challenge here is – the easy response is to say, "Well, here's evidence that it is." But often when people are saying this, there is something here that's about language policing, and it's often cover for some kind of classism, or racism, or it's particularly picking on the language of a particular subgroup, or it’s covert sexism. So there is something here that's unpleasant, and I wish people would stop doing.

Gretchen: But even when I agree with them, it's also still an argument made in bad faith.

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: You know, it's not – if someone says, "Well, you know, this isn't a word," even if I agree that this was probably a typo that someone made, or this is something that maybe wasn't appropriate to a particular context, legitimising the argument that "not a real word" is a reasonable response to anything is still a problem, even if the core thing that they're getting at might have some utility in the context because it's so undefined, and it's such an easy way of covering for classism and racism and all sorts of these kinds of discriminations that people smuggle into language.

Lauren: Yeah.

Gretchen: The problem is the incorrect ideas about how language works, not the particular words being used. Another type of word that people have the reaction "It's not a word" to is a word like "smush" or "smoosh" or "aaaargh."

Lauren: So things that are more representative of sounds, or reactions, or feelings that are often informal, or onomatopoeia.

Gretchen: Yeah, and I think this begins to get into like, "Oh, it's not a word because my computer gave me a red underline when I tried to type it." There are lots of different ways to try to spell "aaaargh," and I definitely don't think computers, generally, have all of them. That doesn't mean that a particular one isn't going to be the exact one you want right now but, thinking about those areas, we're trying to represent certain moods, or certain feelings, or certain onomatopoeias, or certain other kinds of sounds that exist in nature or in the depths of our soul, like "aaaah." These are hard to write adequately.

Lauren: And a lot of onomatopoeia in English is a bit not-standardised, and people kind of play with it a lot. In other languages, it can be more codified into the language. If you think about onomatopoeia in terms of the sounds that animals make, we have lots of codified ways of doing that. You know, pigs "oink" and ducks "quack," and that's very codified. You'll find "quack" in the dictionary. And you'll probably find "oink" in the dictionary. But, essentially, language is very messy at the boundaries in the way that what is a word and isn't a word – and you can't just be like, "Well, it's got a space." That gets a bit fuzzy at the boundaries. The same with this. So like "smush" might be more of a word than "aaaah," which is perhaps all that easy to say. And, you know, "haha" is more of a word than [laughing noise] in terms of laughter.

Gretchen: Yeah, but there's a certain kind of intentionality to them too, which I think distinguishes even something like "aaaargh," which can be spelled in a whole bunch of different ways, from something just kind of randomly mashing on your keyboard, or having your cat walk across your keyboard –

Lauren: Or actually screaming, which we won't do for the sake of your ears.

Gretchen: Yeah, no screaming on this podcast. If you'd like to scream, please provide your own scream here. But there's a certain conventionalised way of representing those, and they have a certain recognisability to them and language-specific way of doing them, even if there's also this flexibility around them as well.

Lauren: At the opposite end, moving back to things that do fit within our expectation that they only have spaces on either side, they usually have relatively regularised spelling conventions, but people get very upset about them, is when brands make forays into word creation.

Gretchen: Oh dear.

Lauren: And because – I think one thing that upsets people about this a lot is – when it doesn't feel forced, we don't think about it. And we accept a squillion brand names into our lives, and they just get absorbed, and we’re completely fine with it. And then there are times where it just feels very forced, and so...

Gretchen: It crashes.

Lauren: I have named this the Tronc Reaction when people say "That's not a word." So "Tronc" was the Tribune Publishing Company. Quite a few years ago they rebranded themselves to Tronc: T-R-O-N-C.

Gretchen: Yeah, which was just – they got kind of widely made fun of for it on social media as just like, "Why have you picked this name? It's so ugly. It's plunky. It's tronc-y. It's not a good name."

Lauren: And there is something about – you know, it doesn't have a particularly standardised English spelling – it's T-R-O-N-C – but it definitely fits. It's not like it's against the kind of sounds that you can put together in English.

Gretchen: Yeah, and it definitely sounds a bit, I don't know, like, plunky. It's a bit clumsy-sounding. But we've incorporated so many weird words into English, things like Xerox or Kleenex, which have a lot more X’s than a normal English word does, or something like Google or Twitter, which sounded very frivolous when they were first introduced, and now we're just like, "Oh, yeah, of course, I'm going to google it." And it doesn't seem weird to us because we're so used to them.

Lauren: And I think it's partly that we're very happy to accommodate new words when we need them. So Google sounded pretty silly when it started, and now we talk about googling things to the point where, if I'm trying to find something in a document, I'll sometimes be like, "Oh, I just have to google for that word." It's like, I'm not even in the proprietary search engine. It's just become the handy word. So if the language needs that word – whereas I don't talk about "Bing-ing" anything.

Gretchen: But, yeah, like, "I’m going to go Yahoo it."

Lauren: I don't have any particularly strong feelings about either of these search engines.

Gretchen: But one of them is definitely a lot more verb-y.

Lauren: One of them has definitely verbed into English a lot more happily.

Gretchen: I even use "Skype" to indicate for general video calls even if I'm not actually using Skype’s platform.

Lauren: Oh yeah, it doesn't matter what platform I'm using, it’s still – that's become generic.

Gretchen: It's like, "Hey, Lauren, do you want to Skype?" And then of course it's gonna be on Google Hangouts or something. It's not gonna be on Skype.

Lauren: Which is problematic for companies. You know, when their brand gets used generically, it means that they lose some of the brand copyright power. But I think it shows that language can be quite accommodating. I mean, English does love adding new words all the time. Whether they come from a top-down company or not seems to be a bit arbitrary. But it's the thing about when we need them.

Gretchen: Yeah.

Lauren: You know, Skype came around as the first video platform that I use.

Gretchen: It's when we need them or when – it's something that people decide for themselves kind of bottom-up and not, I think, something forced down. Another one that I had a lot of fun with seeing people do on this was – so somebody replied to the Pope's Twitter account, where the Pope was talking about the Beatitudes, which is – it's a thing in the Bible, I don’t know. Being like, "'Beatitudes' isn't a real word." It's like, "Look, guys. This is the Pope."

Lauren: I probably can't tell you what a beatitude is off the top of my head but, frankly, if the Pope is talking about them, he probably thinks they're real a word.

Gretchen: Yeah, yeah. Like, "Is this really the hill you want to die on right now?" Like tweeting at the Pope being like, "This obscure bit of theological terminology, which you have spent your entire life studying, is not a real word." I also found somebody saying that "gubernatorial" is not a real word? And I agree this word looks weird.

Lauren: I kind of almost feel compelled to agree. There is some story here where "governor" and "gubernatorial" came into English through slightly different – There's always the French-from-Latin paths.

Gretchen: Okay.

Lauren: And like, one of them came in via Latin via French, and one of them snuck in straight via French or something. And that's why "gubernatorial" is – it should just be "governatorial" if we're going to have a regularised system. But English, like any language, can handle quite a bit of irregularity in the vocabulary.

Gretchen: Yeah, and you get the impression people who are using arguments like this – you know, they're not really saying to the Pope like, "I don't trust your command of the English language," especially the Pope’s social media officer, who probably isn't even the actual Pope. What they're saying is, "This is an argument that I can make that" – like, we're talking about the beginning. You can use this as an argument even if you don't believe it, because it immediately shifts the burden of proof to the other person to say, "No, this is a word and here's why," and not to you for being like, "Well, why don't you think so?"

Lauren: It kind of reminds me of a subset of this, which I like to think of as the Mansplain Reaction, which is where you say something's not a real word because it conflicts with your worldview, essentially.

Gretchen: I really like an example of this that I found, which was somebody saying that "conspiracy theory" is not a real word.

Lauren: Oh, okay.

Gretchen: I know!

Lauren: Why is "conspiracy theory" not a real word? Is it because it has a space in it? Gretchen, we've been through this one.

Gretchen: No, somebody said it's a made-up mind-control word that causes one to dismiss the facts of any investigation. I was like, "Oh, okay."

Lauren: This is a pretty prototypical example of a Mansplain Reaction.

Gretchen: Yeah, so it's like, "I don't like the concept expressed by this word, so I'm going to attack the word not the concept," or say like, "It was unnecessary to name this concept because I don't think the concept is important or I don't think the concept exists."

Lauren: There's no such thing as "mansplaining." We’re just having a conversation in which I am aggressively disagreeing at you.

Gretchen: Right. I think the big problem that I have with the "not a real word" argument is it implies that there are some sorts of words that aren't real. But by the time something exists for you to say, "It's a kind of word," that's all it takes to be a real word.

Lauren: And words are words by consensus. No word is a real word. Every word has to start off by a group of people agreeing that this string of sounds has this particular meaning. And some people in some contexts have more authority in naming these things. You know, I will probably trust a doctor in telling me whether a word means a particular thing in terms of medical usage. I will definitely trust someone to tell me what their name is rather than trusting myself.

Gretchen: Yeah, I think there are certain kinds of authorities. A person is the ultimate authority on what their own name is, and, by that logic, linguists should be the ultimate authorities on whether words are real or not. And what we're telling you is all the words are real.

[Music]

Gretchen: For more Lingthusiasm and links to all the things mentioned in this episode, go to lingthusiasm.com. You can listen to us on Apple Podcasts, iTunes, Google Podcasts or Google Play Music, SoundCloud, or wherever else you get your podcasts. And you can follow @Lingthusiasm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr. You can get IPA scarves, IPA ties, and other Lingthusiasm merch at lingthusiasm.com/merch. I can be found as @GretchenAMcC on Twitter. My blog is AllThingsLinguistic.com.

Lauren: I tweet and blog as Superlinguo. To listen to bonus episodes, ask us your linguistics questions, and help keep the show ad-free, go to patreon.com/lingthusiasm, or follow the links from our website. Recent bonus topics include: hyperforeignisms, multilingual babies, homonyms, and an inside view of the gesture and emoji conferences. And you can help us pick the next topic by becoming a patron. If you can't afford to pledge, that's okay too. We also really appreciate it if you can rate us on iTunes or recommend Lingthusiasm to anyone who needs a little more linguistics in their life.

Gretchen: Especially this month when we're doing our special anniversary round of recommending to help the show grow! Lingthusiasm is created and produced by Gretchen McCulloch and Lauren Gawne. Our audio producer is Claire Gawne, our editorial producers are Emily Gref and AE Prévost, our production assistants are Celine Yoon and Fabianne Anderberg, and our music is by The Triangles.

Lauren: Stay lingthusiastic!

[Music]

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