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#also also for the record I called the allergic reaction thing from the second he dropped cause why else would they mention that

cupioromantic-simp · 5 months

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Jon x corruption avatar

Jon clicks the button on the tape recorder and the sound resides through out the room

“Statement of”

You state your full name and occupation

“-About entity driven events during my life time”

“Recorded direct from subject by Jonathan sims…” he looks disappointed in you maby that you didn’t tell him or maybe because you are telling him

You take a deep breath and sigh

“First things first I’m sorry for not making a statement after the Jane prentis attack I was worried you’d turn on me I’m sure you’ll see why…

My first experience with a deep internal fear was when I was six me and my mother where on a vacation at a motel near our house not really a vacation per say but it had a pool and and arcade so that’s really all that mattered to me

We had go to this one specific location multiple times but this time it was different it was about twenty years before they closed it up and they whet going through repairs changing out some stuff and adding things to make it more hip for the non-locals

We- me and my mother-where in the pool.. well I was my mother never really liked getting her hair wet and I decided to just float on my back in the pool because I was a shy kid I didn’t know how to interact with people even at six and as I was floating I looked up at the ceiling and.. one of the panels where gone and you could see pipes and wires and… so so much dust I was going to call out to my mom and tell her how dangerous I found it

B-but when I opened my mouth a string of dust fell from the open panel and.. and in to my mouth

I-I can still remember it I gagged so hard I threw up in the pool it was as thick as dryer lint and I- I think I passed out because I don’t remember most of what happened there I just remember that the blankets in our room where the deducting green-brown and that I had an allergic reaction to it ether that or a rash

The next I remember is more clusters of things like wanting to vomit every time I saw bare feet on tile, or that if you pop a pimple wrong it can get in to your blood and cause sepsis, or the fact there where always fruit flies in our house because my mom didn’t have time to clean and I was so forgetful that I whole only remember to bring my mugs down because there was a thick layer of twisting curling mold of top of whatever I was drinking ten days ago

I remember learning that penicillin was just apple mold so I left a slice out for a little over a year just to see what happened

Mold happened obviously

All things rot and decompose I’ve-

I’ve come to peace with that

Sounds like a weird thing to have to come to peace with

I’ve also come to peace with the fact that everything is dirty

Nothing is clean it’s just how it is

Everything touched by human hands is dirty and humans have the need to touch everything

Whether there supposed to or not

I think that’s why it got me the thing that’s corroding the iron in my blood, flaking my skin and molding my meat

And I mean it not in the meat in my fridge though it is in the food but the meat in my body if you can call it that

I am meat and my meat is moldy and crawling with rot and decay

That’s why I didn’t quite care about the worms I think…

Or that they didn’t care about me in the way they cared about Jane

You read her statement you know

‘I am a home for that which loves me’

No it’s not like that

‘I am consumed by that which wants and crawls in the dirt and the air and the ground and the halls and the food and the water it sinks in to my skin and in to my stomach and up my throat and in to the pool and in to the filters and in to the skin of the others who return it to me because I am it’s master and it owns me and I am so full and connected and so so scared’”

You and Jon stare at each other for al least thirty seconds

“S-… um.. s-statement ends…”

He moves his hand to the tape recorder but his hand trembles before he can touch anything

You can feel that he can feel it all around the dust, dead skin, the paper mold I mean who knows where that tape recorder has bean, how long, what kind of plastic mold crawls and hides and feasts you’ve really been touching that thing Jon? Who knows what bacteria you’ve spread with that thi-

“STOP!” Jon if visibly shaking “how-..what… why did you do that?!”

“Hmm? I’m not sure, I don’t know if it was even a conches decision, is it weird being on the receiving end of an avatar spell thing? Because i know it’s weird when you do your little statement suction thing”

“I um-“

“Oh you didn’t understand how horrific things like that are, you up set your self with the thought that you’ve been doing a similar thing to people”

You move you hand wanting to comfort him some how but quickly realize that holding his hand with your corrupted fungi filled strangely soft hands it would probably send him in to another fear fuelled panic so you just move your hand back in to your lap

“I’m.. sorry Jon, I… I think I’ll be going now, for awhile, you should um clean the apartment I think… I- I’m not sure what to say… goodbye Jon”

You click off the tape recorder for him before leaving

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veryace-ficrecs · 10 months

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Hurt/Comfort Buddie fic recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

Break In by soft_satan - Rated T

“9-1-1 what is your emergency?” “Break in,” he gasped as the rattling doorknob stopped. Buck gave their address quickly as he grabbed the bat he kept under his side of the bed. “I saw at least two men. No idea if they're armed.”

5-4-3-2-1 by elisela - Rated G

For all the times that Eddie has practiced getting into his turnout suit in record time, he never bothered figuring out how to get out of it just as fast. He would be regretting that if he could think about anything other than the fact that Buck went over the pier rail twenty-six seconds ago, and disappeared into the dark water seventeen seconds ago.

you know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep by ashavahishta - Rated G

He doesn’t see it. He barely even hears it, the sounds of struggle on the edge of his awareness as he and Hen roll the patient onto a stretcher. Bobby will tell him later that the guy had broken free from Buck, pushed him hard enough for Buck to lose his footing and trip backwards into the skate bowl. What Eddie does hear is the sickening dull thud of Buck’s head hitting concrete.

Snap, Crackle, Pop. by wolfypuppypiles - Rated T

Eddie pulled his phone out of his pocket, standing to answer its ringing call. “Hey, Buck.” “Dad.” Eddie spun on his heel, smile warming up his chest at his son’s voice. “Hey, buddy. Where’s Buck? You guys having fun?” “We fell.” AKA Buck gets hurt and its Christopher who has to save him

(hurt) thy neighbor by autumnchills - Rated T

“He’s armed,” is all he says into the phone before standing from his spot. He shoves his phone into his pocket and steps out, hands raised. Sure enough, the man has a gun pointed at him, but if he looks closely enough… Buck squints. Color him surprised. “Is that you—” “Don’t!” The man yells, jerking his hand with the gun aggressively. “Don’t you dare fucking say my name, Buckley.” In which things get bad fast when Buck's neighbor breaks into his apartment thinking that he isn't home.

The Blazin' Challenge by datleggy - Rated G

Buck has an allergic reaction at buffalo wild wings and the firefam is there for him. Also they finally realize Buck and Eddie are an item--by accident.

not ready to let go by theosbuckley - Rated G

"Hey, Eddie!" Chim calls him as he leaves the fire station, "This came in for you, there's no return address." Eddie's heart drops almost immediately and he rushes to Chim, almost ripping the envelope from his hand. "Woah there, this better not be some weird fetish thing." "Shut up Chim!" He snaps back. Edmundo Buckley-Diaz Firehouse 118, Los Angeles, California United States of America or in which i'm sorry for doing this (but not really)

It's Ok Now by datleggy - Rated G

On his day off, Buck takes Christopher to the doctor--just for a cold, no big deal--until it suddenly might be and Buck is alone and nobody is picking up their phone.

we're gonna be okay, kid by honestlydarkprincess - Rated G

The last thing Buck is expecting is to be woken up from his ill advised mid-morning nap with a call from Christopher's school, telling him that Chris is sick and should go home. He can't leave his favourite kid to fend for himself so even though Eddie might get mad at him, again, he's on his way to pick up Chris before he can even think about it. Set during the lawsuit, post-grocery store scene.

a leaf falls on loneliness by iimpossible_things - Not Rated

Buck doesn’t think that if he were to say, “I’m in a bad place”, that anyone would turn him away. Really, he doesn’t. The 118 has too many good, kind people for that. But every time he wants to open his mouth, to say something, to reach out to Eddie or Bobby or Hen or Chim, he hears Eddie yelling, “you’re exhausting.” —you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting, you’re exhausting— So each day he does his job and he laughs and he jokes and he pretends he’s the care-free goofball he’s always been. And each day he packs away his bruises and his worries, takes them home to his empty loft with its quiet rooms, and licks his wounds in silence.

Buy Back the Secrets by allyasavedtheday - Rated T

He casts his gaze to the right, to the voice he’d heard a minute ago and the hand still on his shoulder. And, well. Okay. So Buck may have just been unconscious for an indeterminable length of time but he doesn’t think he’s exaggerating when he says the guy leaning over his bedside is one of the most attractive people he’s seen in a long time. Especially when his face splits into a smile that rivals the brightness of the hospital lights that almost just fucking blinded Buck a second ago. “Welcome back, hotshot,” the guy says and it sounds fond – familiar – and Buck honestly has no idea who this guy is. His brown hair is dishevelled on top of his head and his eyes look tired but then Buck notices the LAFD t-shirt so- alright. Someone from the firehouse, maybe? But he’s pretty sure he’d remember a face like that. * After getting hurt on a call, Buck wakes up thinking it's 2018. AKA Buck can't remember who Eddie is but he's pretty sure everyone's lying when they say they're "just friends."

Leave the Light On (I'll Be Coming Home) by HMSLusitania - Rated M

“We’re here for our grandson,” Helena says. “Chris is still sleeping,” Buck says. “I meant, we’re here to take him back to Texas,” Helena clarifies. “Yeah,” Buck says. He’s too tired, way too tired to be tactful. “Over my dead body.” -- An accident on a call leaves Buck with custody of Chris after Eddie is... missing presumed. While they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite Eddie's parents' best efforts -- a John Doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named Christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home.

Of Bikes and Concussions by datleggy - Rated G

Buck gets into an accident on his way to work in the morning, and before he can explain why he's late, he gets thoroughly chewed out and the rest of his day goes way downhill from there.

it’s okay by itsmylifekay - Not Rated

Finally back with the team, Buck isn’t going to let anything tear him away again. He has to prove his place, his part in the family, even if that means smiling through the pain. Or, Buck gets hurt on a call and doesn’t tell anyone.

don't tell my husband (he'll kill me) by coupe_de_foudre - Rated T

All Bobby has to say, as Buck is hightailing it towards danger, is a low, threatening, “Don’t make me call Eddie.” and Buck will skid to a stop, pause, and eventually turn around and slink back towards the team like a scolded dog with his tail between his legs.

Frequent Flyer by red_to_black - Rated M

In his entire time being a firefighter, Eddie has never met anyone as accident-prone as Evan Buckley. And Buck - well, he's quickly becoming the 118's best customer. (Or - the one where Eddie is a firefighter, Buck isn't, and Eddie finds himself rescuing Buck from increasingly sticky situations. Sometimes literally.)

Love Language by red_to_black - Not Rated

The one in which there's too much pollen around, Eddie pines, and Buck is oblivious. Or - Eddie's love language is acts of service, and Buck doesn't totally get it.

17 Steps to Inevitability by allyasavedtheday - Rated T

“Thanks for clearing it with Cap,” he says lowly, feeling oddly self-conscious under Buck’s knowing gaze. Because just Buck shrugs like it’s not a big deal, claps him on the shoulder and squeezes once. “Of course,” he says earnestly. “I told you he wouldn’t mind.” Eddie swallows back an emotion he doesn’t know how to name and bumps their shoulders together as they head for the stairs. He’d forgotten friendship could be like this, forgotten what the unconditional support of having a team around him felt like. He’s not sure he’s ever had friends like this though. * Eddie doesn't plan for Buck to become part of his and Christopher's family; it just sort of happens. He doesn't plan to fall in love with Buck either; that just sort of happens too.

waiting on the sunrise by autumnchills - Rated T

When Buck left home, it was a rushed decision. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was going to do, but he had a high school diploma and enough street smarts to make it as far from his father as possible.

It's been nearly ten years since then, and now his father is in town. Buck quickly learns that some things haven't changed.

But other things have, and his family will help him realize that.

Whiplash by soft_satan - Rated G

She parked near him and got out, avoiding the puddle as she approached him. Hands on her hips, she shook her head in pity. “What on earth happened to you?” He looked up at her with a pained smile, his shoulders instantly sagging with relief at the sight of her. “I got carjacked.” ... Thanks to a lack of communication, a horrific accident leads the team to fear the worst.

#veryace recs #9 1 1 fandom #9-1-1 fic rec #buddie #buddie fic rec #even buck buckley #buck 911 #eddie diaz #eddie 911 #the 118

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thewildwaffle · 4 years

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Allergies

Requested by mytasteinmusic on Ao3

The humans were throwing food. Why? Well, Kahpi sighed, it was anyone’s guess really. For whatever reason, they were making some sort of game out of it. One human would grab a small piece of food and toss it high up into the air and another human would attempt to catch it in their mouths and eat it. For the cleaning team’s sake, she was glad all the foods that were being thrown seemed to be fairly self-contained and held together well even after being thrown. The foods in question started out as colorful candies the humans had brought along with them from Earth. They had been searched and scanned for possible allergens and dangers they could pose to other races that would be on the ship. Kahpi, as head Food Safety Inspector, had overseen the process herself. Some human food could, after all, cause anything from slight to severe damage and trauma to digestive and respiratory tracts of different species that also worked on the ship. This meant that foods that were only safe for human consumption had to be stored and prepared separately from other food supplies, or if they were exceptionally dangerous, banned altogether. The colorful candies being thrown around now, for instance, were safe to be on the ship, but under the multi-colored exteriors was a concoction that contained theobromine and caffeine. The humans called it chocolate. They loved the stuff and used it in a wide array of foods. It was safe for them in modest amounts, and as long as they kept it to themselves, they were allowed to have it. Once the colorful candies were all consumed, and dropped pieces taken care of, the humans moved on to throwing other foods. Pretty much whatever they had in their meal: diced fruit, ripped bits of bread crusts, chunks of vegetables, etc.

Kahpi kept her eyes on their antics as she also made her rounds in the ship’s cafeteria. As boisterous as they could be, their games were no reason for her to fall behind in her own duties. It was, as the saying goes, not her spilled bucket of eesaling to guard. If they wanted to goof off on their own time, that wasn’t her business. As long as it didn’t cause harm to anyone else. Usually by sharing their food with other races without clearance or supervision, they were fine. In any case, it seemed that their food throwing gag was starting to die down. They returned to eating their meals normally, laughing and joking around loudly with each other as was the norm. Kahpi was thankful that few of the crewmembers that regularly spent their time with the humans were not of races that could boast similar skill of great aim and power while throwing. That would help deter others to pick up the food-throwing in the future. Just as Kahpi was wrapping up and about to leave, she overheard a disturbance from the humans. They all started speaking or shouting at once. “Dude! What the- what’s happening to your face?” “Oh my gosh!“ "What’s going on? I think I’m going to throw up!” “Carlton, you’re breaking out!” Kahpi looked over to the humans were now starting to rise from their seats, onsets of panic starting to creep into their body language. “Are you allergic to something?” “I don’t think so?” “What is it? What have you eaten?” “I don’t know, I’ve never had allergies before!” “Oh frewan, some of the m&ms had peanuts! Are you allergic to nuts?” “I don’t know! I used to eat peanut butter all the time as a kid!” “Could it be the nuts?” “I don’t know, I don’t know what else it could have been!” “Chris, you have allergies, right? What do we do?!” Alarmed by the humans’ reaction, Kahpi, as well as several others that were in the cafeteria, approached cautiously to see if any aid could be given. Whatever could spook a group of humans so badly must be dealt with quickly and conclusively. As she approached, one of the humans, Chris, ran off and disappeared down a nearby corridor. She paused. Was he fleeing? And if so, what from? Should she flee as well? The other humans weren’t running, at least not yet. Instead, they were gathering around Human Carlton, who, now that Kahpi had gotten closer and could see more clearly, did not look like he was well. His skin, usually the color of a richly tanned deygbah hide, looked splotchy and red. His eyes were unusually watery and swollen. In fact, everything about him was starting to look just a little bit swollen in parts. Kahpi’s second stomach dropped. Carlton was going to die! “Come on guys, back up a bit, give him some room!” Human Macy, the newest human to the crew, had everyone shuffle back so Carlton could lie down. Kahpi was just about to bolt down one of the corridors nearby that she knew would lead her to the med bay, in her panic forgetting that she had her comm device, when Chris returned from where he’d run off to, carrying a short cylindrical container tightly in his fist. Everyone parted in the small gathering crowd to let him in. He slid on his knees and stopped right next to Carlton who was now lying on his back. With a pull at the wider, blue-colored end, Chris plunged the device into his companion’s thigh. Kahpi could hear a small click and Chris held the device firmly in place for a few tiks. As he pulled the device away, Chris looked up and his eyes met with Kahpi’s. “Get a medic here now,” He said calmly but with an intensity that snapped Kaphi out of her trance. Within a few moortiks, Medics Jeebarul and Minti were loading Carlton onto a stretcher and taking him back to the med bay, Chris and Kahpi were allowed to follow. Later, after a discussion with the humans, medics, and the captain, Kahpi learned that it was indeed a food allergy that had caused this whole mess. The colorful candies that had been okayed for human consumption were to blame, particularly the ones that contained an Earth food called “peanuts.” Alarmed at the news, Kahpi pulled up the files she had access to on the humans. Compared to other species on the ship, and throughout the entire galaxy for that matter, humans had a relatively short list of known allergens. Of the humans on the ship, her records only stated that Humans Chris and Ricardo had allergies. Shellfish and animal dander, respectively. Worried that she had failed in her duty of food safety, she scanned Carlton’s files over and over. “I don’t understand,” her voice trembled slightly as the captain frowned at her, “There’s nothing here. No known allergens.” The captain’s fins pulled back tightly against his face. “Then what happened? What was all that?” Chris, who had returned from helping the medics get Carlton settled, responded, “We’re pretty sure it was the peanuts. It’s the only thing that makes sense.” “But my records-” “Say that he doesn’t have a peanut allergy, yeah,” Chris interrupted, “but that just means he hasn’t been tested for it. He’s had no need to. He didn’t know. He didn’t use to be allergic to peanuts, but now as an adult, he is. Somehow, he hasn’t eaten anything with peanuts or peanut oil or whatever for years, so unluckily, he had no idea he was allergic.” He paused. “Or maybe it was lucky? I mean, we had an epipen on hand and he’s okay now, and now he knows so… I guess it was kind of lucky?” “What do you mean he wasn’t allergic before?” Kahpi sputtered. “That doesn’t make sense! How is he allergic now?” Chris shrugged. “It happens sometimes. You can develop an allergy to something later in life that used to be okay. No one really knows why.” Both Kahpi and the captain stared at him for a moment. The captain was the first to regain composure. “Well, I suppose it was fortunate that the medics had a supply of these… ‘epi-pens’ stocked.” He hesitated a moment in thought and then nodded to the cylinder that was still in Chris’ hand. “I suppose we better request more of those, just in case. What exactly do they do?” Chris lifted the ‘epipen’ up for better observation. “It’s got a dose of epinephrine in it. It’s adrenaline, so it constricts blood vessels and speeds up the heart so blood pressure rises and it helps relax muscles in your airway so you can breathe again.” They both stared at him. After an uncomfortable silence, Chris added, “It’s not very fun. But it keeps you alive until doctors can help.” The captain had a few more questions, both for Chris and for the medics when they came back out. All the while, Kahpi had time to try to ponder on and digest all the new information and implications this would bring to her job. Allergens were a thing among many species, yes. That’s why she had the job she had. However, few, if any that she could think of right now, had allergies that were caused by foods FROM THEIR OWN PLANET OF ORIGIN! Not only that, but some allergens were safe to eat for one human, but not another?! Where is the reason for that? What evolutionary purpose could that possibly serve for a species? Or was it just some weird fluke, one of so so many, that humans just came with? She buried her face in her hands. Well, this whole thing was going to throw a bit more complications to her job now. Apparently even human food wasn’t always safe for humans. Go. Flargin’. Figure.

#humans are weird #i learned so much about epipens #allergies are weird though #humans are space orcs #aliens #space #epipens #allergies #writeblr #original writing

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aio-rya · 3 years

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"Give me a sign" — Leona x reader

One shot requested by: Anon

『Btw anon, I'm sorry I didn't have the Anon mode on until like two days ago.』

Days kept going on as [y/n] started being fond of everyone they met at NRC, specially the Braincell Squad along Epel, Jack and yeah, Sebek, who sometimes joined them too. Most of the time, when they were not causing trouble at their dorms, they gathered at Ramshackle for "studying". Though there was one day a week [y/n] used to sneak out, following Epel around to his Magift practice.

The last time they saw a game was when they were hit conveniently by the disc thanks to Grimm's movements, but [y/n] was not really interested on the game, oh no —those getaways were to see someone. Indeed, the same person why they lurked around Savanaclaw with Jack by the end of the day. And everything was fine until...

"What the hell are you doing here, herbivore?" the lion man asked behind them. [Y/n] froze right there, crouched behind one of the seats of the bleachers.

Did I forget telling that [Y/n] felt Leona doesn't like them? Well, now you know.

"I... Epel" they answered nervously and without context, putting a strand of their [h/c] hair behind their ear. "He forgot his water bottle and..."

"Tsk. Whatever you are doing here, do it fast and go away" he interrupted, rolling his eyes and passing by them as if that never happened.

And this was the day to day of [y/n] and Leona whenever they got to see each other. The matter was that he, Leona Kingscholar himself, felt sort of intimidated by the little human —why? He didn't know. It was sort of an allergic reaction or something, he felt his heart beat harder, his cheeks burning hot like feber, sort of a knot on his stomach and words flew away from his head.

"Hey, Kingscholar! I... Brought you these" [y/n] said as they extended him two special meat sandwiches from the cafeteria.

Leona turned around on his napping spot, looking at the human, then at the food and then, he turned around again, giving his back to the little one, who still held the sandwiches towards him.

"I Don't need them..." the lion said, and dismissed them with a movement of his hand, "Ruggie has already brought me something".

"I... I See" the human said, withdrawing his hand. "Then... You're gone. Again" they sighed while realising Leona's breath got a slower pace, he was asleep. There was nothing to do but leave; said and done.

Lucky was the big cat that they've already left when his ears twitched on signal that he was not sleeping, his eyes slightly opened, listening to the human voice with a trace of worry left behind. "It couldn't be sadness, or is it?" he told himself, turning to face the glass ceiling of the Botanical Garden with his hands behind his head.

"You really dismissed [y/n]'s food? They even fought with me for that since there were only three of those things left, ya'now?" Ruggie's voice snapped him out of his trance as the hyena threw a packed meat sandwich over his stomach. Then he heard a wrapper being opened as he sat down, looking at his friend at the moment he bite a sandwich —exactly the same like the one he threw at him a few seconds ago.

Ruggie realized about that and stopped, "What?" he asked towards Leona, still munching a piece of sandwich, when the lazy lion lifted a finger pointing directly to the food. "I'm not giving it to you" he stated in a possesive tone, holdingh tighter his food.

"It's not that” the dorm leader growled, “But... You said there were only three left..." Leona mumbled, unwrapping his food and starting to bite it too.

"Oh yeah, [y/n] gave it to me when I passed them back on the front gate of the Garden. They only needed one for his raccoon friend, even though, they got the other one for you” he continued munching while explaining the ruckus they caused on the cafeteria for those limited dishes. "Hey Leona!" Ruggie snapped his fingers in front of him "Are you okay? It's not like you to space out that obviously."

"I think I'm sick" he reflected out loud while making a pitch of his empty wrapper to the rubbish.

"I think you're lazy~ shishishishi"

"Don't go too smart" Leona shot him a wry look and sighed. "I think I'm allergic to that herbivore or something like that."

"What? C'mon, you're not serious" Ruggie sneered. Leona grunted, "Okay then, why do you think that?"

"Because..." He turned away, aware of his blush. "When [y/Ln] is near, my chest aches and I feel as I wanted to cough; also my stomach feels strange, as if I were hungry but also anxious? And there is this thing on my face... I run a fever every time that herbivore is near...."

"Buuuut~"

"But I like its smell. Or its presence" he finished with nothing more than a whisper.

"I see!" the hyena almost shouted, starting the lion, "You love them."

"Another joke like that and you're gone" he stared at Bucchi, angry but ashamed.

"Oh man... I'm just being honest" the blonde shrugged starting to walk away, "do as you wish but be careful. I don't how for how long [y/n] is going to bear you."

"Maybe he was tired", Deuce tried, quietly.

"Told you", Ace seconded him. "He's just like that, you cannot change him and... Have you thought that maybe he just doesn't like you? I mean like... Around him as he do with anyone else?"

"He was nice once" [y/n] tried to bring as an excuse, "After the Blot thing, he was someway nice. But... I did something wrong?"

Jack shook his head, "You should forget him. He's not the one, and I'm sorry about this but Ace is right..."

"Can I record that?" Trappola laughed, trying to open the camera of his phone.

"Shut up" Howl snapped, joining the laugh while hugging the little non-magic human between them.

"I think I can handle it. I mean... Nothing lasts forever and this little scratches heal with time" they tried to smile, eyes teary.

"Hey, we're here!" Epel cheered, "if you need to cry, to talk or you just want to mess around a little, call us!"

"That's why I call you my friends" and finally, the genuine smile appeared, "I'll sleep on it, I swear".

And both of them did: Kingscholar and [y/Ln]. Unfortunately, they reached two very opposite conclusions.

The little herbivore began to let go of their feelings, now they were no longer around Savanaclaw or the Magift training or even on the third years classrooms, they were free. Of course it still hurted whenever someone mentioned Leona, or at the Dorm Leader meetings or even when he was lurking around the cafeteria. Specially the last one was odd of the lion, and everyone around him noticed —even Vil started asking around what in hell happened to him.

"Ah, Ruggie-san" he said with velvety voice.

"Prefect Schoenheit" blonde hyena answered.

"Is Leona okay? He has been... Nicer than usual"

"Ah, you too. In fact, he's not really fine. His heart is about to break" Ruggie said, a bit worried as Vil gasped, not as an act but in genuine surprise, "his herbivore grew tired of him..."

Well, you see... Since [y/n] started getting rid of their unrequited love, Leona accepted it. And now it hurted so bad every time he got to see his herbivore: there was no "H-hey Leona..." or "Hello Kingscholar!" or any kind of cheerful greetings, everything tuned into a cold "Good morning/afternoon, Prefect Kingscholar", "Excuse me, Prefect Kingscholar" —they even stopped bumping into him, no more visits to his napping spot at the Botanical Garden and even when they got to Magift practice, Epel will always arrive alone. The knot in his stomach and the fever on his cheeks turned into a harsh pain on his throat and a burning heat on his eyes.

Meanwhile, Braincell Squad and first years club was proud, their little human finally was free and not depressed by the mistreatment of the Prince.

A couple of months passed until one evening, after clases, [y/n] made their way back to Ramshackle when heard someone sobbing, that scared them since Epel was having a hard time. By following the noise, they bumped into Leona and immediately tried to avoid him, but the lazy lion was not that slow; he walked quickly and grabbed their shoulders.

"Please, stop avoiding me" he said, not bothering on hiding the trembling of his voice.

"I... I am not" they said slowly, "Pref--"

"Don't" he grunted painfully, "Come back to call me Leona with that lively loud voice. Wake me up from my naps again, stare at me in the hallway so I can stare at you when you look away..." He sobbed again, weakening his grip, about to let his arms fall, "I... I am sorry."

"Why... Why are you apologising?" they asked, turning around to face him.

"Because I treated you so bad, and I... Thought I had an allergic reaction... To you" Leona whispered, [y/n] giggled.

"As far as I know, you cannot be allergic to a human" then they caressed one of Leona's braids, he stared at their [e/c] eyes, a pale gleam reflected on them. "It's fine, don't worry. We can still be friends".

He shook his head and caught them between his arms.

"I have denied it for too long. You deserve more, I was so mean, but I don't want to be just a friend" he explained tenderly, burying his nose on their hair, aspiring its sweet perfume.

"Leona, I'm not sure--"

"Just give me a sign..."

Silence. They just stayed like that, holding each other, [y/n] biting his bottom lip as Leona rubbed their back. When he finally was ready, understanding the situation and letting go of them, he got interrupted by a hold on his collar.

Then, a soft, sweet and warm pair of lips slammed against his.

It was a kiss full of fear and sadness that slowly turned into a gentle one. Full of untold feelings that tangled and finally were silently confessed.

"Is this enough?" the human asked, caressing his lover's cheek.

"It is more than enough... My loved herbivore".

—・ Φ・—

I melted with Leona's soft side, I don't know where I got the inspiration but I felt this took too long. Hope you like it too!

«Please do not repost or translate without permission»

#ツイステ #ツイステッドフンダラーンド #twst #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland leona #leona kingscholar #leona x reader #レオナ・キングスカラー #aio-rya

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

Text

Title: Trials and Tributes (3/5)

Summary:

“There were witches who lived among them. Or so that’s what Levi was told. He just could not believe for the life of him that she’d be one of them.”

Levi is a soldier who interrogates witches before they are put on trial and Hange might just be a witch.

Levihan Secret Santa Gift for @cleacourgette

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Link to other chapters: 1 2 3 4 5

They were working late that night. So unusually late that at first, Levi had taken Erwin’s closing the windows as a sign that they should finish for the night. He had started to empty his own desk of paperwork when Erwin spoke up.

“How were the trials?”

“Routine.”

Erwin raised one eyebrow. “The trials for someone so important to you volunteered to facilitate it?”

“Yes, they concluded she was a witch and we’re moving on to the swimming test. It’s in two days.” Levi said as mechanically as possible, not wanting his true emotions to leak out.

“Do you really believe she was the one responsible for the plague in your village? The plague which took your mother I mean?” Erwin did not need to clarify it. Yet, he did and that clarification only made Levi's chest tighten.

“Who else? She murdered a child then she disappeared.”

“I visited Hange after her last trial, had a small chat with her.”

“Of course she wouldn’t admit it.”

“That wasn’t what I asked about. I wanted to understand for myself what happened with that incident back she was a child, when she was accused of murder.”

“She said herself, she didn’t know what happened to him.”

Erwin shook his head. “She didn’t know. But the other people from the town did.”

Levi’s eyes widened in surprise. Suddenly he was self conscious of his disconnect from the happenings of the town as a child. Although he was considered one of the townspeople then. Having had to take care of his sick mother, he never had the chance to go out and meet many people nor discuss what had been happening around the town.

“I checked the reports in the capital library. Tobias’ mother reported that she had found red welts on her son’s back when he got home from playing with the kids then his body started to swell. Within an hour, he started to have a hard time breathing. His throat closed and with no means of breathing, he passed away quickly.”

The circumstances of his death were strange. Strange enough that the townspeople had come together to organize a witch hunt.

“They also recorded the accounts of the witnesses who were playing with Hange and Tobias that day. And when I checked them, they aligned well with the story Hange had given me. She pushed Tobias into a grassy patch. One of the boys who had been left there when Tobi and Hange both went home mentioned that they might have landed on a fire ant mound which explains the itchy red welts on Tobi’s back.”

Levi had been bitten enough times to know ant bites were painful. “But ant bites aren’t fatal.”

“This is where I did some extra research and talked to some more apothecary's and doctors. Apparently it is not completely implausible to infer that Tobias died from something called an allergic reaction. The swelling of his face, the difficulty breathing from an insect bite. It lines up so well with some of the other writings from doctors."

“Then how do you explain the plague?” Levi asked.

Erwin sighed. “I don’t think there’s any better way to tell you this but, I don’t believe the plague that killed your mother was caused by a witch. In fact, I don't believe witches actually exist.

Trials and Tributes

“Levi, I have a theory.”

“You always have theories Hange,” Levi said, not looking up from the book he was reading.

“Humor me! That’s my book so I can get it back from you anytime I want.” Hange put her hand on the page he was reading so suddenly and so rudely that Levi had to resist the urge to slam the book closed on her hands then and there.

“Okay. I’m humoring you," Levi said.

“So, lately I’ve been noticing something about my herb garden. There is a small area where plants tended to die at a faster rate.”

“Uhuh.”

“So I pulled out the dying plants and I noticed something common about all of them. They had these white spots all over the stems and the leaves. They were like spider webs but there were more webs then spiders and you know the plants closest to them started to have those white spots too.”

“Oh, okay so a little discoloration on leaves,” Levi said matter-of-factly.

“So what if those white things are diseases, and being closer to one another, they spread more easily. What if people stuck together in close quarters just end up getting sick with the same disease? Maybe there are these invisible particles that fly through the air and when they get into people, people get sick. Maybe there are special particles which can swim too and when people drink the water they get sick?

Levi went back to the reading as Hange continued to ramble on. Somehow her theory had become too far fetched, not worth the time of day to even listen to anymore

“Didn’t your mother die in a plague? What if those particles are what causes plagues? ”

Trials and Tributes

Levi had to admit that at the moment Erwin had suggested that witches might not exist, he did not feel adamant at all or even indignant at that claim. A wave of relief had rushed through him and he found himself settling back down on the chair in shock, his plans to clear his desk forgotten.

“Hange traced the origin of the dysentery problem to the well at the center of town…” Levi said, mostly too himself. Suddenly the ramblings and the theories Hange had made years ago over tea and book readings were suddenly starting to make more sense. “Erwin, you might be right.”

Erwin and Levi found themselves making their way to the prison cell where Hange was being held to satisfy their own curiosity.

The guard was quick to leave as soon as Erwin and Levi entered. Levi stood by the door, keeping an ear open for any footsteps that might be coming too near, and might possibly hear their conversations.

It was his first time visiting her cell in days but he couldn’t help but notice she had lost weight since he last saw her. He made a mental note to sneak more food next time he came over.

“Hange, sorry to bother you but we have something we wanted to confirm with you,” Erwin started as he settled himself on a chair in front of her cell.

“Ask away. It’s not like I have anything better to do here.”

It’s not like I have anything better to do here. Hange had repeated that line so many times back in the cabin in the woods. The way she had said it then though was softer and alarmingly toneless. Levi snuck a glance at her face or at least what he could make out from his angle. She had bent her head down, not bothering to look up at both him and Erwin. From what he could make out though, her eyes were downcast and the glint was nothing more than a flicker of what it used to be. At that moment, she looked completely disconsolate.

“How did you trace the diseases back to the well?” It was Erwin who spoke up. In that few seconds of silence, it was probably only Erwin who would have had the strength to start the conversation.

“The dysentery problem?” Hange asked.

Erwin nodded. “Yes. The one they discussed in your trial.” An unnecessary clarification but somehow, Levi felt it was needed, to fill the silence in the room and hopefully to get Hange to talk.

“I did my research,” Hange answered. “I was getting more than a dozen patients a day. I asked them where they lived… What they ate…” Hange trailed off.

Once again, the three all waited in silence. As they sat, Levi stood. And as Levi stood, he continued to entertain thoughts in his head. His mind was racing and it felt like it was only getting faster.

Maybe there are these invisible particles that fly through the air and when they get into people, people get sick. Maybe there are special particles which can swim too and when people drink the water they get sick?

“Hange, you told me long ago that you think there are these invisible particles in the air that can swim. And when people accidentally eat them they get sick. Is that what made you think that it could have come from the well in the center of town?”

Hange nodded.

“Do you think that the plague that happened when we were eight was from those same invisible particles?” Levi pressed.

She nodded again.

Erwin looked up at Levi in surprise. Levi remembered then that he never did tell Erwin that Hange was not an enemy but in fact, a childhood friend. Erwin was sharp though and within seconds that look of surprise had shifted to one of understanding. Levi did not need to explain anything.

“Levi, do you believe I’m a witch?”

That was the moment the survivor instinct inside of him decided to make itself known. Witches can compel their victims. Witches can bewitch. It was a battle between that part of him that resisted the urge to believe her and the part of him that wanted to accept her, to trust her.

Hell. We’ve known each other for years. She hadn’t done anything then to break his trust. Actually, he was the one who had broken his promise years ago.

“I don’t know.” was all Levi could let out. Those two sides of him had settled for that as a compromise.

“I for one don’t believe in witchcraft,” Erwin admitted before Levi and Hange could react beyond Levi’s admittance of neutrality. “And I will do what I need to do to make these lynchings end. If I come across anything of interest, anything which can help your case, I’ll pass it on to you. Thank you for your cooperation Hange.”

With that, Erwin stood up and exited the room leaving Levi scrambling to pick up the pieces.

“Levi, let me ask you something.” Hange asked. “If I really were a witch, if I did have malevolent intentions, don’t you think I would have done something a long time ago already?”

What if she did it all to manipulate me. What if she needs me for some end goal.

“Don’t get me wrong Hange. I feel compelled to help you and I probably will anyway,” Levi answered. “I just can’t discount the fact that this could be manipulation on your end.”

Hange looked up at him and for the first time that night, Levi saw her face for what it was. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were red and the lines under her eyes were only more defined than they were before. He only had a split second though to take in those features before they oriented themselves into a familiar expression he had come to know so well.

A simple, maybe even naive smile. “If you believe you’re being manipulated, then I give you permission not to bend over back for me. I’m ready to die.”

That could have easily been interpreted as manipulation. As Hange said that, Levi only felt more determined to find a way to save her. He couldn’t help but note though the Hange he knew was straightforward and not at all manipulative. She had always said what she meant or so that was what he had believed.

Levi found himself questioning those voices in his head instead. Those voices that doubted Hange. Maybe they were the ones manipulating me.

Levi gripped at the bars tightly and leaned closer towards her or as close as he could get at least when they were separated by prison bars “I don't know if this is all a game. If it is, you’re doing good because either way, I’m going to do what I can so you can make it out of this alive."

"Right after saying you believe I'm a witch?"

"You were my best friend. I owe you my younger years." Levi answered. " And as your best friend, I'll find a way out of this for you. And if I need to, I’ll take you out of this country, I’ll bring you down south."

Trials and Tributes

It was a very cold night. So cold that Levi wished he could have put it off to another night. Given that Hange would be taking the swimming test the day after tomorrow, he knew he only had that night to test his plan for himself.

As soon as the bible tests were over, Levi had been assigned to find a place to execute the swimming test. Even before he had visited Hange in the dungeon that night with Erwin, the gears in his mind had already been moving to keep Hange alive.

He had done his research from talking to the townspeople about bodies of water, geography and nearby hiding places for criminals. For research. He had said then. Nobody did ask too much of it. He was a soldier after all who kept the peace of their kingdom.

The time he had spent collecting information had given him options. The cost benefit analysis he did given those options was what led him to decide on one particular cliff that overlooked the sea only a thirty minute carriage ride from her prison. The locals had mentioned that it was a good area for cliff diving, the water was of a fair depth that it would be safe to dive.

And that’s what I have to see for myself. It was going to be his job to push Hange into the water in less than 24 hours, the least he could do is try it himself.

It was a risky move. Especially when his cheeks were already turning numb from the cold. Levi had to admit he was probably risking his own life at that moment. As he removed his overcoat and the shirt underneath with the intention of diving into the water head first, Levi had to take multiple breaks. His body was protesting the action and the protest manifested itself as a light shudder every time the cool night breeze brushed passed him.

You’re bewitched. Those voices reminded him. Levi did not need to listen though. Before he could even allow himself a second thought about his decision, before his body and his survival instincts could push him back, Levi jumped headfirst into the black sea below him.

It would be his sense of touch leading him from then on.

From the moment he hit the water and dove deeper, he allowed himself a few minutes with his hands behind his back to simulate what Hange would be going through. He counted thirty seconds and by then, his lungs were starting to ache. He reached his hands out in front of him, relying on his recall of his last view illuminated by the moonlight to guide him where he needed to go.

He turned behind him. The cliff side should be here. He kept his hands in front of him as he swam in the direction where the cliffside should be located. Within seconds he felt it. And with it came a glimmer of hope.

That hope was what he needed badly. His lungs were crying and he knew he would need air soon. He could have easily gone up and breathed it himself. He was constantly reminded though that Hange would not have that same luxury and he pressed on. Holding on to the side of the cliff, he continued to swim.

It should be around here. His lungs were starting to scream and Levi knew he might not last any long. He started to scramble and move quicker. A generally bad idea when his oxygen and his time conscious was limited.

At that moment though, Levi had luck on his side. That empty space in between the cliffside was what he was looking for. Finding that gave him the second wind he needed. Levi only pushed further into the cavern. The path was narrow and consequently, quick and easy to feel his way through.

By the time Levi’s lungs were screaming once again, the energy from his second wind almost completely depleted, Levi had already made it into an open space and with his last burst of strength he shot his hand out above him.

It was as if a weight was lifted off of his shoulders both literally and figuratively. The air was much lighter on his body, especially on his lungs. Levi opened his eyes to see the moon above him.

The cave was generally closed, save for an opening on the roof that illuminated the cave enough for Levi to see where the sky and the walls of the cave meet. As Levi lay on the ground of the cave, he took in the view and focused on watching how the view shifted slightly with the rise and the fall of his chest.

The moon was beautiful. So beautiful that Levi almost considered spending the night in the cave despite the biting cold. Biting? That wasn’t the right word. Numbing maybe.

Numbing. That reminder of his own mortality and the possibility of death was what had Levi sit up and rush out of the cave, despite his subdued sense of touch.

He had to get out of there. He had to stay alive. He still had a job to finish.

Trials and Tributes

The water shall refuse to receive in her bosom those who have shaken off the sacred water of baptism.

In the easiest of words, if Hange were to be proven innocent and completely human, she had to drown. That was how they had explained it to the multiple witch suspects that have died similarly.

“If you do drown, your place in heaven is guaranteed.” The bishop had said, as he explained the history of that trial to the crowd who had gathered by the cliff. Levi kept himself looking only towards Hange who stood next to him while the priest prattled on about their ‘guaranteed heaven.’ Those were the same people who had sold indulgences and places in heaven to the nobility long before.

He had never seen heaven. He had seen scams in action though and somehow that and his own generally negative opinion of the clergymen was all he needed to feel such a distaste for their actions.

Hange was in light garments despite the cool breeze that came with early spring. Levi wore something similar in the form of a cotton shirt and dress pants, a subtle gesture of solidarity on his end.

Hange Zoe. He only found himself looking back at the crowd and at the person in question when her name was mentioned. What followed the announcement of her names were cheers. But Levi knew it wasn’t anything to celebrate for him.

The crowd wanted to see blood. A potato sack was placed on the ground next to Hange and Levi felt his stomach drop as he started to comprehend the risk that came with his plan. Although he had simulated that same escape the night before, Hange would be faced with the extra challenge of cutting through the ropes and the sack before being able to dive and escape to the cave.

To balance it out at least, he had fed her as much information as he possibly could.

When you feel the wall in front of you, keep going left.

Dive when you feel the cliff turn rougher.

You’re going to have to dive down deep to find it.

Levi had racked his head for as much detail as he could as he oriented Hange to the location of the sea cave.

I’ll meet you there at night when it gets dark. I’ll send food. Then just stay in the cave until I can fix your papers and find you a way out of here.

While he helped Hange into the potato sack, he searched for an opening to dig his small dagger in between the tightly woven ropes, in preparation for their plan. As soon as he did, Hange touched the dull part of the blade with her fingers and tapped the side of his finger, a small gesture that she had understood what needed to do. The quick tap was somehow reassuring.

Good luck. Stay alive. He mouthed. She wouldn’t have heard it but he had not wanted to risk anything louder than that. Even with the deafening cheers of the crowd. Levi pulled the sack over her with the help of one of the guards. He had no time to even allow himself one last look at the knife digging into the ropes. He could not risk anyone finding it.

The other guard had offered to help Levi throw the sack over the cliff but Levi declined. He didn’t even trust himself to throw over the cliff. How could he trust anyone else? Hange wasn’t heavy though. In fact, Levi was sure he had carried weapons much heavier and had shot arrows with draw weights much heavier than her.

Yet, her weight was crushing him and Levi felt his arms going numb underneath him as he carried the sack towards the edge of the cliff.

The sack was warm, a little too warm. The contents of the sack reacted to every moment. As much as Levi had wanted to pretend that it was just a sack of potatoes or maybe even a dead body. He couldn’t. He closed his eyes for a second and had somehow felt a heartbeat beneath that potato sack. It was a little too fast and maybe even deafening.

Hange. That’s Hange. I’m holding Hange in my arms.

At that rate, Levi could not even tell if it was his own heart or hers. Will this work out? Will this be the last time I hear that heartbeat?

There was no turning back.

“Heave…” Levi pulled the sack behind him to gather some moment.

The heartbeat evolved from a canter to a gallop as he felt the strength quickly spread through his arms. He remembered then, he had an obligation to moderate his strength as well. He didn’t want her landing too far from the cliff either or worse, get seriously hurt on impact.

“Ho!” Levi threw the sack forward, slowing down as he did. All he needed to do was make sure the sack covered enough distance that she wouldn’t hit the cliffside prematurely

It was as if time slowed down when Levi found himself in a good position to let go of the sack. He had found himself peeling his hand from the sack, finger by finger. The heartbeat he had felt in the sack, the warmth were like the threads of a spider web, sticking to him so tenaciously, so desperately.

He didn’t want to let go.

Trials and Tributes

“Wow! I didn’t think there would be this many types of knives. I’ve only ever played with a letter opener.”

“Don’t you have knives around here? How do you do research without them?” Levi asked half heartedly as he continued to polish his saxe knife.

“Well, I make my own. You don’t really need anything too sharp to be able to cut up leaves. Sometimes you can just do it like this.” Hange tore one of the oregano leaves a little more roughly to make her point.

“Well, fighting gets a little complicated apparently.” Levi positioned his knife in front of the window of the cabin and watched as the silver glistened under the sunlight that streamed through the window. “Uncle said this knife is strong enough to parry the blow of a sword. If you can control it…” Just imagining a sword coming down on a knife only a quarter of the size of a sword had Levi shuddering. One miscalculated movement and he could find himself three less fingers.

“Learning to use weapons takes time. And I doubt your uncle is gonna make you fight a swordsman just yet.”

“My uncle said he’ll teach the technique. I just have to do the drills he gives me everyday.”

Hange clumsily spun Levi’s throwing knife in her hand only to end up dropping it on the floor. She let out a disappointed sigh. “Hey Levi, after your uncle teaches you, can you teach me? I wanna learn how to handle a knife too.”

Trials and Tributes

The sack they had pulled out of the water was stained red. And that blood stain covered half the sack.

While the clergymen and the guards were panicking at the missing body. Levi was alarmed for other reasons. Was she alive? Did she make it out safely?

He had hope for the luxury of letting out a tear, or rushing to the side of the cliff, kneeling down and looking closely at the water to maybe search for signs of life like a mad man. It would only be unwise to do such. The most he could allow himself was a catatonic state and maybe a twinge of envy at the clergymen who had the luxury to babble curses at the guard who had probably so incompetently left a hole in the sack to punch through.

Fortunately, no one was blaming him just yet. He didn’t want to give them the opening either. The matter at hand was time sensitive. If Hange wasn’t dead, she might still be flickering between life and death at the moment. He had to get to where she was soon.

He murmured a few words at the guard about wanting to check something and about them being able to go ahead and slowly walked away. Levi couldn’t run just yet, not when he was still within their field of view. To compensate though, his heart and his mind were racing. As he turned the corner and into the path which led to the cove and eventually to the sea cave, he was more quickly able to adjust to a sprint.

Levi had mentally readied himself to dive into the water even before he entered the cave. He had started to unbutton his own cotton shirt as he sprinted in, not wanting to waste any more time.

The rush and the panic that was only consuming him made him clumsy and a little awkward as he moved. The moment his plans and his expectations were subverted by the sight of a very wet and bloodied Hange kneeling on the ground next to the water, Levi ended up losing his balance and tripping on the floor right in front of her.

“You made it here alive… I was worried.” Levi managed to say as he pulled himself back up into a kneeling position. His knees and palms were starting to hurt and Levi was sure he would need to treat his own wounds a little later on.

“Yeah, I ended up cutting my wrist when I cut through the ropes...It bled out a lot but I never really was as coordinated as you are with knives... Sorry for putting that training you gave me to waste.” Hange was only rambling aimlessly. As Levi made eye contact with her, he noticed her eyes were still a little too wide and her smile too unnatural. Levi could not help but think that she had felt the same way he did when he had first arrived in that same cave a few nights before. Her face had shown it all. She was just as surprised to be alive as he was.

But she is alive. That’s all that mattered. Levi would have wanted to hug her then but at the same time he did not want to lose sight of her. He settled for putting his hand on her arm and gripped hard. “At this point Hange, I don’t care if you’re a fucking witch or not. If you are, save yourself. Run away. Go save some other kids. Go discover a plague before it happens. You don't deserve this. Nobody deserves the shit they put you through. I’ll get you out of here if I need to.”

Hange returned his strong grip on her arm by gripping his wrist. For a second, her face was unreadable. Then soon after something took over and that face had morphed into something wild and even primitive. It was as if Hange was possessed. Suddenly she was squeezing his wrist much harder than Levi had ever expected from her. He let out a groan of pain as he recoiled at the sudden attack.

Hange threw his hand back at him and snarled. "Don’t touch me!"

And just like that, it was as if he was talking to a completely different person. Or a completely different creature.

#levihan #levi ackerman #hange zoe #levi x hange #fanfic

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heathers-wig · 4 years

Text

last kiss oneshot aka a sad heathers-wig making a duncney oneshot at 1AM and getting emotional over the duncney parallels because i’m THAT bitch

listen,,,,, i know. i have no shame. making duncney content in 2020? to old taylor swift songs? my pride has evaporated, so please td tumblr, have mercy.

also @ my few non-td mutuals and non-writer mutuals: do not judge me more than you already have please i’m begging.

available on ao3 here

I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go away?

A somber reflection of her own face stared back at Courtney as the brown eyed girl stared, saddened, outside one of the jet’s windows. The Jumbo-Jet had been flying for hours, to wherever the show’s next location was, and the rest of her team was fast asleep; even Cody, who was terrified of Sierra rubbing his feet at the dead of the night. Sierra herself had been worn out after hours of cutting out perfectly shaped pieces of paper of a Gwen silhouette and then destroying it — she had taken so much joy out of it, and had done it so flawlessly, that Courtney was sure it had become a routine over the few years Total Drama had been airing on TV. After today, Courtney would gladly join Sierra, if she wasn’t so busy making a list on how much of a back-stabbing, helio-phobic goth-loving liar that Gwen was.

God, Gwen; just the name made Courtney want to let out one of the most pathetic sobs that had ever been seen on television. She knew it was stupid, she honestly did, that she trusted Gwen — it wasn’t anything she said, or really anything that she did, that deemed Gwen as untrustworthy, it was more like the feeling of being unsettled that came after every time Duncan’s name would worm its way into the conversation, and the way Gwen had tensed and how the goth’s cheeks would become slightly pinker, yet her skin somehow paler; in hindsight, it was so dreadfully and painfully obvious that this would happen, and how inevitable it was that this sad, beautifully breathtaking destruction would crumble down on the fragments of happiness in Courtney’s life, but maybe that’s why Courtney and Gwen were drawn together in the first place. To prove the paparazzi wrong, or maybe because Courtney really believed that Gwen wouldn’t stoop as low and confirm the public’s suspicions. However, time had slowly gone by and Courtney learned the hard, cruel way that they were absolutely right.

Chef, who had never taken any sort of liking or pity on Courtney — except when she had sued Chris, he had begrudgingly admitted that he was impressed — had been nice (or cruel, Courtney couldn’t decide which one was more accurate,) enough to show the brunette the clip herself. Herself hugging Duncan (who she now nicknamed Dumbcan in her own mind — ugh, the jerk!) so lovingly after being separated for what felt like ages, and feeling her heart soar when he said he thought of her while he was gone —

— But that was all a lie. A lie that made Courtney feel secure in her deteriorating relationship, a lie that allowed Duncan an easy way out, a lie that filled Gwen’s stomach to the brim with fluttering butterflies. Courtney had to watch, with something that felt all too familiar to horror, as Duncan and Gwen embraced and slowly leaned towards each other, all while knowing and ignoring the brunette outside who was just so happy that she had her boyfriend back and someone she could call the closest to a best friend was still in the game with her. It was almost ironic how that ended. Almost.

Now, staring out the window, Courtney couldn’t help but wander how this could have possibly happened. Of course, she knew the actual answer; Gwen falling for Duncan after her public and awful breakup with Trent, and Duncan losing interest in her as Courtney thought more and more of their relationship as long-term versus until one of them had gotten a sudden sweep of common sense and dumped the other. Whenever Courtney had tried to construct the words in her head of what she would say to Duncan when she eventually had to actually face him, the thoughts that were so carefully balanced on the tip of her tongue would come tumbling back down to the pit of her stomach. Throwing a pity party and tantrum when breaking up with Duncan would be inevitable — she knew it, as much as she didn’t want to acknowledge it — but the feeling of dread she felt when looking back on their initial relationship was too much to bear.

It was ironic, wasn’t it, how she was the first to lean in, while Duncan had took the final lean out? And how he didn’t even have enough guts to breakup with her to begin with? Sure, it would definitely hurt, but she was almost positive that it would be nowhere near the amount of heartache she felt while watching that clip.

What killed her the most was that she could still remember the electric blue eyes of his that seemed to illuminate the darkness of night that day she rebelled, the very day she would now do anything to erase from history. The look of initial shock on his face when Courtney grabbed his face and smashed their lips together in one electrifying kiss... it was painful to remember such a time. If Courtney tried hard enough, she was sure she could hear the slight chatter of their friends behind them and the crickets around them and maybe even the humming of porch lights next to them. Possibly even pick up on the slight smell of cigarettes that followed Duncan everywhere (like his criminal record, as Courtney would snidely berate him, though those days were left to wither in the past), or unfortunately the resting puddle of vomit next to the porch.

“Enjoy a peanut butter-less life,” he had remarked, the words still ringing in Courtney’s head almost two years later.

“Thanks,” Courtney herself had quipped, leaning up against him. “Enjoy prison,”

“I will,” the juvenile smirked. It all felt like such a long time ago. Had it all meant nothing? Maybe it had been broadcasted around the world, but it was such a private and intimate moment between them that felt like it was for them and them alone — and yet he cheated? He turned around and kissed up her best friend with little to no remorse? Did it mean anything to him? She wasn’t sure she wanted the answer.

If it did, wouldn’t he had stayed? Wouldn’t he had wanted to talk things out, instead of hurting her in the worst way possible? Wouldn’t he have meant every ‘I love you,’ he said while they were still dating with no second thought? Did he even mean every ‘I love you’? Or were they just lies that tasted as sweet as honey on his tongue, that he spoon-fed to Courtney every now and then to keep her from leaving him.

She wasn’t sure what haunted her more; knowing that Duncan felt no regret for what he did or having a last kiss with no knowledge of its significance.

I do recall now

The smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement

I ran off the plane

That July ninth

The beat of your heart

It jumps through your skin

I can still feel your arms

As odd as it felt, a few weeks have gone by since her nasty breakup with Duncan. She finally got to shove Gwen (who was swelling up from her allergic reaction at a concerning rate, but Courtney had no pity left for Gwen in her heart that the goth and Duncan were responsible for breaking) off of Chris’s jet, but to her disappointment it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as she hoped it would be. Sure, seeing Gwen’s falling figure struggle to open the parachute brought a smile to her face and earned a chuckle from Heather (and a maniacal laugh from Sierra), but it wasn’t enough. She wanted to personally shove Duncan off the plane herself, but she wouldn’t be as kind to him as she was with Gwen; she’d be taking the parachute right before she shoved the fatal push.

The feeling that came after Gwen’s elimination was hard to describe — of course, sheer joy immediately after, but after the cameras stopped rolling and Chris instructed them all to head to bed, panic took its place. Courtney knew she was a target from her fellow teammates — Heather probably wanted to chop all her hair off for flirting with her dear Alejandro; Courtney almost wished the two would get together and save Courtney the heartbreak she’d have to face that there was no one left for her. Duncan would of course crave Courtney’s elimination, and Alejandro and Sierra would probably agree to anything so as long as it wasn’t them, or Cody, in Sierra’s case. Just about everything seemed to be going her way, wasn’t it?

Courtney wasn’t even sure if she cared at this point. Should she? Of course, winning would be a great payment for everything she’s had to put up with on Total Drama, this season in particular, but at the same time, with Gwen officially out of the running, following her and going back home would feel even better.

Home. Courtney hadn’t been there in ages, and at this point she wasn’t sure what she considered home to be. There was the pristine mansion she was raised in by her lawyer parents, and while that place might have looked like the front of a magazine cover, it felt like an empty ghost of a home. Not a single thing was out of place — not a throw pillow or piece of silverware. Her parents were either always at work, travelling for a case, or holed up in their respective offices; there was rarely “family time”. Courtney was fine with this, though; that’s just how things were for the Castillo family.

There was Camp Wawanakwa, as evil and ironic as it was. For a few weeks, she lived with teenagers, not the reality stars they were now. When her friends from debate club sometimes dragged her to a rewatch of the first season, it was odd to see how different they were all back then, but at the same time, they really hadn’t changed at all. Though Courtney was unsure if she would ever step foot on that island ever again, it would always hold a place in her heart — good or bad? She hadn’t decided yet — for the beginning of whatever her life was now.

Her apartment was an option, as well. It wasn’t as much home as just the place she so happened to live in. No emotional attachment whatsoever; some boxes were still stacked in a spare coat closet, all neatly labeled in a thick Sharpie. It wasn’t that Courtney was disorganized or lazy, more like there was no use in unpacking all of her belongings in a temporary home. She moved out of her parents’ mansion as college crept closer and closer, and she hadn’t lived with her parents since last summer.

That summer felt alien at this point, looking at old photographs that were neatly organized on her cellphone. She remembered her family went on a month-long vacation in Europe, and Duncan had come to pick her up from the airport, much to her parents’ displeasure. The Castillos and Duncan did not get along, but tried to be civil for Courtney’s sake — they knew how much it could upset her when they were constantly at odds. Being civil was nowhere easy for either parties, but seeing Courtney’s happiness and hope that there was just maybe a hope that she and Duncan would be able to have a future together made it worth it.

However, seeing his arm around her waist with easy smiles on both of their lips made Courtney’s stomach lurch, just knowing what he would do a little more than a year later. It brought back too many memories that were painful to recall, and came all at once with no warning, much like a band-aid being harshly torn off the surface of a child’s knee.

That day it had been raining all afternoon, and there was still a slight drizzle and mist in the air when Courtney’s family had landed. Duncan was there, at the pickup area, with brunch for herself and her entire family from some local cafe — as much as he would deny it, deep down she just knew he was a sweetheart — and as soon as he could, he wrapped his arms around Courtney, which Courtney had gladly returned.

The smell of rose and cigarettes, a smell that had become the twisted combination of the aromas surrounding Courtney and Duncan, filled Courtney’s nose, and she couldn’t help but bask in how glorious it felt, to simply be embraced by Duncan. No bickering, no making out, just a simple sign of affection was all it took for Courtney to feel at peace. They were so close, she could’ve swore she could feel the faint beat of his heart underneath his t-shirt.

It was such a quick, and rather insignificant moment, of their relationship, that Courtney couldn’t figure out, for the life of her, why it stuck with her. Maybe because it was insignificant in the long run it was so cherishable to her — a quick, stolen moment of sweet nothings that was caught in the middle of the timeline of her rather messy and confusing relationship with Duncan.

Did Duncan still remember that July ninth? Probably not. Realistically, not. In fact, he was probably busy daydreaming making out with his new girlfriend in another all new spot on Gwen’s neck that made them feel something new that they never felt with Trent or Courtney. Not at all reminiscing on Courtney unwillingly falling in love with Duncan that July ninth in front of her parents, not at all remembering the imprint he left on her heart (though it did give her a sense of satisfaction that all Duncan could do was wish, as Courtney could gladly say she heard Gwen’s shrieks of terror as she plummeted towards the Earth at a rapid pace with a broken parachute).

Feeling a sudden chill in the air, Courtney runs her hands up and down her upper arms. As much as she hated him for it, she could still feel Duncan’s arms wrapping themselves around her, and she felt less colder.

She doubted Duncan remembered the smell of lingering rain on the pavement that July ninth, or the hand squeeze and smile she gave him, or her parents finally warming up to him when he remembered their favorite brunch meal.

She doubted he would even want to remember any of it.

But now I’ll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don’t know how to be something you missed

Never thought we’d have a last kiss

Never imagined we’d end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Courtney wasn’t sure what to feel; upset? Angered? Humiliated? Robbed of winning, yet again? Maybe even a little relieved? They were all emotions she had felt before on the previous times she had been eliminated from Total Drama, but considering the circumstances... Courtney decided a combination of all would be the most appropriate.

She was upset she allowed herself to cheat for Alejandro, who she was only really using to spite Duncan (not like Duncan had even batted an eye, which admittedly really stung), and she was fully aware Alejandro didn’t return her feelings, but God, she hadn’t felt any joy in what felt like ages, maybe she felt Alejandro would, what, reward her? All she got was a kiss after she freshened up, and it wasn’t even that good to begin with — too much tongue for her liking.

Duncan knew how to kiss me just right. Crossed her mind, but as soon as it surfaces, she shoves it far, far down.

And she was angry, so angry that she had allowed herself to be used and manipulated, on International TV no less! She looked like exactly what she was, and she did not like it in any way, whatsoever — weak. And with that, humiliation; being cheated on, blanked, used and then sent packing with that trashy, gossip-craving Blaineley of all people was such a huge hit to her pride, Courtney was unsure if her pride would ever be able to recover, even five years from now. God, that was pathetic, the thought of still being sensitive to her Total Drama World Tour experience as a full-on adult. Definition of embarrassing. Her ego was massively bruised, and had taken such a fall that Courtney was sure she would never allow herself to get close to anyone ever again. Was it selfish? Maybe. But a businesswoman has to do what she has to do to be successful and strong, and if that meant ghosting everyone and plunging herself into her work — so be it.

However... a small, incredibly fragile fraction of herself was so relieved. Of course, she wanted to win, to show to her ex-friend and boyfriend she was more than capable of destroying them, but she had already endured so much humiliation during that season that she felt her shoulders relax a little rather than tense up before she jumped off the plane. Though the cameras didn’t show it, Courtney found herself smiling like a lunatic — like Izzy, as she had now come to realize, not that she enjoyed acknowledging it one bit — as she dived off the jet, finally free from Chris, the cameras and most of all, Duncan.

But now that she was back at her bleak apartment, she realized that cruelly ironically enough that he was more present in her own dorm even when he was across the world, with no thought or emotion to spare in her direction. The couch reeked of him, where he had spent New Years’ Eve and where they ended up falling asleep at 4 in the morning; the coffee table underneath her bare fingers felt like him, where an engraving of D+C was proudly displayed on the corner; the fridge seemed to still have him traced all over it, where she and Duncan had a huge argument in front of before he had slipped out the words “I love you” for the first time, and even the coat racket was imprinted with Duncan, where one of his jackets still hung, firm from months of not being used. Though a part of her wanted to reach out for it and wrap it around herself for some source of comfort, Courtney knew she shouldn’t — she couldn’t. But...

It was ridiculous. A stupid, humiliating and reckless idea that would take the mere shreds left of her ego, dignity and pride and bury them six feet under. But right now, nobody would know... there was no paparazzi or roommate around to expose her, and she did feel awfully cold....

Grabbing the collar of the jacket, Courtney wrapped it around her shoulders and (shamefully, she couldn’t believe she was allowing her pride to stoop even lower than it already had) dashed in her pristine bedroom and immediately opened one of her drawers; Duncan’s drawer, which was filled with even more memories, both good and bad. To be fair, they were once all good, but now they left a sour sting on Courtney’s tongue. She tore through the drawer, before fixating on one item and pulling it out — one of Duncan’s many copies of his infamous skull t-shirt.

Without even meaning to, Courtney found herself crumbling like a piece of wet gingerbread. How pathetic are you? She mentally scolded herself, but at that moment she found herself realizing she simply didn’t care. After a lifetime of being as cold and emotionless as she could be, a boy of all things is what broke her down. After being rid of Total Drama — for now, Courtney had to remind herself — and the travel, the cameras and the clothes, and now just in her pajamas and dreadfully Duncan’s jacket, Courtney couldn’t help but unleash the full power of the sobs that had been building up in Courtney since the breakup.

How was she going to get past this? Would she always be remembered as the bitch that a criminal cheated on on TV? What about her future? Would this all affect her chances in office? How could her ego possibly come back from this? Most of all, how would she cope knowing that Duncan, the nuisance criminal she’s despised for around two or three years, was gone for good and was never, ever coming back, no matter how much Courtney craved for it?

Would Duncan even miss her? Would he ever, someday in the future, when things with Gwen were rocky? Would he remember Courtney, and think of her as something he missed? Was that even a title Courtney had the chance of claiming?

Courtney craved Duncan. She wanted his presence in her apartment, she wanted his arms around her, his lips pressed on her own; she hadn’t, didn’t and probably would never have wanted a last kiss, and knowing that they were as good as done with no chance of having another stolen kiss — it was too much. How could she have let them end like this?

“D... Duncan,” The name forces itself out of Courtney’s throat and through her lips, crumpling his shirt in her hands and bringing her knees to the ground, where she continues to sob. Tossing one more item from the drawer — the wooden skull, with D+C engraved on it, looking as new as it did years ago — she hurls it at the mirror in the corner of her room, its impact cracking the glass.

Maybe in the morning Courtney would care, but at that moment, all she wanted was to be comforted by the one person who couldn’t, wouldn’t and would never comfort her ever again. All she knew was that she would never stop craving Duncan, no matter who was by her side or made her smile and laugh and shower her with kisses — the whole time she would be wishing it was Duncan instead, sharing a kiss that would be far from their last.

I do remember

The swing in your step

The life of the party, you’re showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then

You pull me in

I’m not much for dancing

But for you I did

Because I love your handshake

Meetin’ my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something

There’s not a day that I don’t miss those rude interruptions

Courtney despised the nights that followed post-World Tour elimination; they were filled with nightmares of happier times that mocked Courtney, nightmares that were dressed like perfect, safe and welcoming dreams. Nightmares that felt like incredible dreams at first, until Courtney woke up and remembered how alone she truly was.

That night it was a random, and rather insignificant, memory of a wild party that Duncan had dragged her to. It was hosted by the cousin of a friend of Geoff’s friend, and of course Geoff and Duncan insisted that Bridgette, Courtney and DJ to come with, as much as Courtney was opposed to the idea. Duncan always made impacts, for lack of better word, on the guests, that would usually result in him adding a hundred followers to his Instagram, starting a riot and Courtney having to bail him out of jail or being kicked out by the host; it was a gamble each time.

That night, Duncan had chosen to boast in front of a group of guests on all the laws he had broken and tattoos he had gotten — just Duncan’s usual load of shit.

Courtney had rolled her eyes and sneered in disgust — just Courtney’s typical reaction to said load of shit. “God, Duncan, those tattoos are disgusting, I don’t see how you put up with them,” She had scowled. Duncan shrugged and wrapped his arm around her, leaning into Courtney, intently watching her incredibly dark and hypnotizing (at least, they were to him) eyes widen in surprise.

“You’re just no fun,” Duncan lamely insulted, poking his tongue out at her and showcasing his tongue piercing that made Courtney’s nose scrunch up.

“I am plenty of fun!” Courtney snapped.

“Really? Prove it,” Duncan challenged, jerking his head toward the dance floor. Courtney gave him a withering glare that would have turned anyone else to a mere pile of dust, before gripping his wrist and dragging her with him, determined to prove him wrong. Unbeknownst to her, he was grinning like an enamored puppy behind her.

As a slow song came on, Courtney wrapped her arms around Duncan’s neck while her wrapped his around her waist as they slowly swayed around to the beat of the song. Just as Duncan dipped her down, and Courtney felt a glamorous sensation as they both leaned toward each other and —

— suddenly, Duncan impaled a hook through Courtney (that looked all too familiar to the one he had spooked her with a long time ago) that Courtney hadn’t even noticed he had, before dropping her on the dance floor, her white dress staining with red blood like wine, as everyone else continued dancing to the romantic melody, paying no glance to Courtney.

She felt light headed while her eyelids felt like three tons, and as she fell on her knees, hunched over from the wound, she couldn’t help but notice as her eyes began to flutter shut no one spared a glance at her way; not even Duncan, who was back with his friends, showcasing the book like it was a trophy. As Courtney knew she was breathing her last breath, Duncan glanced her way and gave a crooked smirk, his eyes flashing hot with satisfaction at her pain. The ocean blue in his eyes had become a ferocious storm.

Courtney had jarred awake, hot, sweaty, emotional and desperate with the time of 2:34 staring back at her from her alarm clock. Courtney sighed with relief upon the realization it was just another nightmare about her ex-boyfriend, one that was rather cheesy anyway — what she would give to not be haunted by him as she still was. Unfortunately, as much as she hated the fact, she knew he still roamed her consciousness, subconsciousness and unconsciousness because of the fact she still loved him, even after everything, and a fraction of that love would probably live on for years to come until Courtney was on her deathbed.

With that comforting thought, Courtney groaned and turned away from her clock and towards the wall, studying the plaster like her life depended on it; anything to get her away from the angry electric blue that followed her even when her eyes were sealed shut.

It was plain annoying how she knew that she still loved Duncan, no matter how many times she was forced to re-live the brutal truth that he no longer loved her whenever she came face-to-face with a tabloid at the checkout line when she would occasionally get groceries, or search his name on the Internet to see how he was coping; maybe Courtney couldn’t face the truth, couldn’t face that maybe she was no longer in love with Duncan but instead with the memories of him that were scattered about her life.

It felt odd going to her parents’ and not having to deal with her father staring Duncan down, and for Duncan to stare right back, passive-aggressively. Not to watch both men clench each other’s hands firmly while looking at the other dead in the eye when Courtney introduced them. Now whenever she went to her parents’, all she felt was the sore reminder that in the end, the Castillos were right — Duncan was nothing but trouble and pain in the end.

It was painful going to the mall without Duncan to lean on, or his hand to clutch as they would lazily walk around the shops. Or how Courtney no longer had to unfold each of Duncan’s clothes from being inside-out in the laundry or hand a mountain of objects found in Duncan’s pockets to him before stuffing his pants in the washer. Duncan used to (or maybe he still did, Courtney would have no idea,) stuff anything and everything he possibly could into his pockets — keys, empty wrappers of gum, cigarettes or small things he’d pick pocketed, even spare change (though Courtney used to mock him for still carrying pennies around — who does that? She’d tease).

“That’s what you get for always walking with your hands in your pockets,” Courtney used to barate. “Someday, you’re going to end up washing your wallet if it isn’t for me,”

“Yeah, well, you’ll always be here, so that’s not a concern,” Duncan had winked back.

All Courtney could do now was scowl at how that had aged.

Hell, Courtney found herself missing their arguments — mostly over the small and rather unimportant things, they were ironically some of her fondest memories. Half the time their arguments would end up with the two making out after Duncan had silenced her with a kiss, and Courtney was now well-aware no one would ever interrupt her in such a way ever again.

Duncan was the only person who Courtney would allow to interrupt her, though now he wouldn’t want to even listen to her, let alone care enough to plant a kiss on her lips when she was in the middle of talking. Courtney had never wanted someone to interrupt her more than she wanted Duncan to.

And I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is that

I don't know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

( TIME JUMP: 4 Months after TDAS )

Two months after coming home, Courtney found herself slowly healing from the damage that Duncan had caused on her heart. Two more months after that, Courtney found herself genuinely able to smile after that without the desire for Duncan and Gwen to be by her side; a year after that, Total Drama All Stars has been done for four months and Courtney lived day-to-day life without thinking of either Duncan or Gwen.

Courtney had been laying low for that time; obnoxious, gossip-hungry tabloids had asked for a “statement” from her whenever Gwen or Duncan or one of her ex-contestants found themselves on a headline, but Courtney shot them down every time — her ego might have taken a huge hit from World Tour and that episode from All Stars, but she wasn’t desperate enough to willingly make an appearance and be interviewed by Celebrity Manhunt.

The questions for “statements” seemed to blur over time; do you have any words of advice for Heather, who suspects Alejandro of cheating? Have you heard Trent’s new single? Rumor has it it’s about Gwen and Duncan! Speaking of Gwen and Duncan, if they were reading this, what would you say to them?

It was an endless and rather tiring cycle of the paparazzi trying to lure a reaction out of her, which Courtney refused to give into.

However, one day as Courtney was loading her groceries on a conveyor belt at the local grocery store, a headline from a tabloid caught her eye. All Courtney read were the words Totally Dramatic, and Courtney knew she should look away — they were the same magazine that publicly called Courtney a bitch a few months ago, which she would never forget. Though she had self-control in public, she found that at 11PM on a Friday night she had little to no self-control and found herself pulling open her laptop and typing Totally Dramatic in the search bar on Safari.

Almost immediately, the faces of her ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend take over her screen, with the text underneath that’s all too hard to miss — Gwuncan Engagement Rumors Confirmed!?

Courtney could feel her the pit of her stomach drop and her heart shatter as it crashed to the ground below her.

It wasn’t that she missed Duncan — she didn’t! It was just that she so good at her job of avoiding Gwen and Duncan’s names like the plague she was blissfully unaware that they had gotten back together.

She would be lying if Courtney said she hadn’t thought of reaching out to Gwen — and shamefully, it would be a lie if Courtney swore she never considered sending a drunk text to Duncan (thankfully, she never had; it was a nightmare just thinking of the embarrassment that would cause) — but always decided against it because of three reasonings; there was no way either would want to hear from her, they hated her guts and Courtney would never allow her dignity to stoop as low as it had during the third season ever again.

But now — now Courtney was sure she would never reach out. Not even a quick Congratulations! text, not a gift basket, not even show up to Gwen’s bachelorette party if she felt bold enough. Courtney was positive that she was reduced to the stalking ex, browsing through both of their Instagrams, watching them mature and fall back in love through their own photographs. It was... strange, to say the least.

What was this feeling that was erupting inside her? It wasn’t jealousy, she had gotten over Duncan months ago, but it wasn’t sadness, resentment or anger, either. It was like the feeling of realizing that, as ironically and unbelievable as it was, the two had grown up without Courtney, and all she could do was watch from a distance. Watch them slowly move on from their memories of Courtney — both bad and good — until the mention of her left both indifferent; Courtney was almost positive that being hated by the two would be less painful than knowing that at one point, they were the closest and best people in her life and now they couldn’t care less on how Courtney was.

Courtney used to watch Gwen paint and draw with such concentration that she was sure she would be held accountable for messing her art up if she just so much as breathed too loudly. The furrow between her brows would deepen and the stormy gray of her eyes would be clouded over with concentration and care, and Courtney found herself wishing that she was as passionate about something as Gwen was of her art. Sure, she had her studies in law, but Gwen’s skills — they were truly beautiful. She used to watch Gwen’s head very thrown back a little when she laughed a little too hard, and how tears would leak from the corner of her eyes from laughter so easily. Or how whenever Gwen dyed her hair again, she would unintentionally run her fingers through it all of the time, leaving Courtney wandering just how soft her hair could possibly be with her double-conditioning. But now she would witness all of Gwen’s happiness through her phone’s screen when she would look up her name on Instagram.

Courtney also used to watch Duncan do so many miscellaneous things that it would be impossible to list them all; like how his eyes would glint with joy whenever he would successfully break a law, a small shot of success and pride to keep him going. Or how, as much as he stated he hated them, always showing great amounts of concern when his friends or family were stressed and immediately began brainstorming how to make them feel better. Or how no matter how tough he pretended to be, when he slept, he just looked so peaceful that it was impossible to find yourself able to avoid falling for him. But now all she’d be seeing of him was his face plastered on a tabloid, probably with his arms around Gwen’s waist.

Maybe she was being overdramatic, but it really was ironic how at one point, she had held them both so close she could feel them breathe but now all she felt was herself slowly becoming more and more insignificant to the two of them, until she was nothing more than just a blurry memory and a face that was hard to recall among others.

Someday in the future, she could already picture herself casually asking Bridgette how Duncan was, since he was still friends with Geoff and DJ, afterall — what would she be expecting? For him to be struggling to make a living and pay rent? For Duncan to be unhappy with his life and relationship? For Gwen and Duncan to experience as much pain as they inflicted on her?

Deep down, she knew the real answer; no matter how many times they’d backstab the other, Courtney just wanted Gwen and Duncan to have the best, even if it killed her to admit it.

A small part of her couldn’t help but wonder if they felt the same about her, too.

And I hope the sun shines

And it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you

You wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

Maybe one day Duncan would look back on their relationship like Courtney had been doing for months — or maybe, a small part of her hoped, he had been.

All Courtney could hope for was that someday in the future, when Courtney had found peace and Gwen and Duncan were happily moving on to whatever chapter of their lives lied ahead of them, something small would catch Duncan’s eye — a picture of her on the news, a box that reeked of memories of her, even the mere mention of her name — would send him back in time to when they were sixteen and still in love and clueless to the cruel world around them, and maybe a small part of him that he thought died when he was a teenager would blossom again with the wish that he had stayed; they would always be their own biggest what-ifs.

Courtney had planned anything and everything in her life ahead of time; one thing she hadn’t ever expected? Duncan to give up on her and leave her with a last kiss while she still craved for more. And while he had moved on, Courtney was stuck in the past, but that was okay — if he could move on, so could she, and her while that may take time, she was fully prepared to wait it out; she may have been painted as the villain of the story, but she also deserved her happily ever after.

So I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is that

I don’t know how to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips

Just like our last

#duncney #writing angsty and sad duncney in 2020?#couldn’t be me #total drama #td courtney #td duncan #gwuncan #td gwen #total drama world tour #total drama all stars #pls td tumblr forgive me #WHY DID I WRITE SM #song fic #song fic oneshots are my jam #please forgive me for writing all of this #enjoy angsty courtney is it obvious i love her with my entire heart

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mysymestash · 4 years

Text

RFA + Saeran w/ MC who has terrible allergies

Yoosung

He was so excited when you told him you were coming to visit him at work!

Freaking out though lowkey because this is the first time you’ve seen his workplace and he wants to make you proud

This boy cannot sit still he’s trying to make sure everything is perfect, taking pictures of all the cutest animals, etc..

His nervousness goes away pretty quickly as soon as he sees you talking with the front desk

You had brought him a homemade lunch wrapped up in a cute patterned handkerchief??? He really couldn’t handle it anymore and basically tackle hugged you

All that nervousness and panic comes flooding back tenfold as you start coughing and sneezing basically as soon as he makes contact

So confused, pulls away immediately to make sure you’re okay

When you tell him sheepishly that you’re actually allergic to cats and dogs, but you wanted to see him at work anyways

At a vets office

Yoosung: >:0 ????

He is mortified and drags you outside for you to get some air

Scolds you for putting your own health in jeopardy

Afterwards sits down with you and you two have lunch together

Shows you all the pictures he took,, the amount of cute animal selfies he sends you doubles the next week because he doesn’t want you to miss out just because of your allergies

Jumin

I think you know where this is going

The first time you stay overnight at his place you forget your allergy medication at home (figures)

Still determined to stay because you don’t want to ruin the night

You decide to just try and keep your distance from Elizabeth as much as you can

That is, until she walks up to you and nuzzles your hand and makes your heart go uwu

Your fate had been sealed as you could obviously not bring yourself to push her away

Jumin comes home to find you sitting in the corner sniffling, eyes red and puffy

Drops everything and rushes over to you (does that slide thing on your knees people do in movies,, dude is dramatic)

.2 seconds away from calling the police in his distress

You have to stop him and fess up to your cat allergy

Devastated

“The fact that you have been cursed to not be able to witness such a regal breed in person..it is truly a deep sadness. I will do everything in my power to bring the full light of Elizabeth III into your life.”

Rest In Peace Jaehee because this man is about to launch the largest campaign in C&R history to cure cat allergies

Even when you tell him it’s unnecessary, all you need is your medication

Good luck trying to stop him

Saeyoung

He had been in a funk™️ the past week or so

Felt really bad for having you feed him and basically just keep him alive during that time

So he’s going to make you lunch!

More of a light snack

Because this boy does not know how to cook

PB&J sandwiches! A classic, everyone loves em

Even splurges a little from his HBC budget to get some marshmallow fluff in there

It’s all very cute,, and he brings you the plate plus a glass of milk

He’s got his proud and happy face on as you take a bite out of his creation

Until your face promptly starts swelling

[707 PANIC MODE ENGAGED]

Recognizes it as an allergic reaction almost immediately and mentally slaps himself for not checking if you had a peanut allergy

He keeps epipens and other medical emergency things around the house- but turns out he didn’t need it because you’d already dug one of your own out of somewhere and stabbed it into your leg

He didn’t realize he’d frozen up when your breathing became impaired

WILL blame himself for this,, requires an adequate amount of cuddles afterwards to make sure he doesn’t fall back into his funk™️

Makes sure to check that every little thing going into your mouth isn’t something you’re allergic to

“Are you allergic to hotdogs?”

“Wait! What if you’re allergic to my love?”

Quickly devolves into just teasing

But now he carries at least five epipens on his person at all times

Zen

Ayy allergy buddies

You immediately bond with him over your mutual cat allergy

Although it’s not nearly as severe as his who tf sneezes at pictures Zen

You two end up adopting a big fluffy black dog together

Teasing Jumin’s love for cats? Check. Spamming the messenger of selfies with your dog to annoy Jumin? Check.

Most of your interactions with Jumin will inevitably lead to the subject of your dog and Elizabeth III

Zen ends up taking your little ‘rivalry’ way too seriously

Both of you spend way too much money on dog collars, dog beds, dog clOTHES

Tries to get your dog casted in a theatrical show

Jihyun (V)

Oh the irony- you’re allergic to the sun

He honestly just thinks you’re really into skin care because of all your assorted lotions and creams

Doesn’t really think much of it until a very intense heatwave hits your town and you’re basically trapped inside your apartment

Usually you’re able to out for short periods of time during the summer as long as you cover up and moisturize, but this time it’s way worse

You can’t risk it so you end up just staying home most days

Except from Jihyun’s perspective it feels like you’re avoiding him??

You still message each other and have calls over the phone, but every time he tries to meet up somewhere you bail- not wanting to worry him about your condition

He’s pretty understanding for the most part, knowing that personal space is important to a relationship

But the man is human and he’s realizing that he really misses seeing you

A few days turns into weeks of not being out with you and my boy starts going a bit stir crazy

Begins to overthink every interaction you two have and had in the past couple weeks that may have caused you to start avoiding him

V being V, he bottles up all these emotions until one day when he’s just at your door

He’s just apologizing and apologizing for whatever he thinks he did wrong

You are just- incredibly confused

As soon as you figure out what’s happening you explain to him right away why you haven’t been able to go outside

The relief this man feels

Understands completely although he’s a little miffed you thought you had to keep this a secret from him

You two end up just hanging out at your place for the rest of the summer- cuddling and watching movies

He’s trying to make up for all the time you two missed out on lol

Buys you all the creams and medication you might need in the future 👍🏼

Saeran

Being with Saeran means you’re probably going to be eating a lot of ice cream

...which might not be super good for your dairy allergy

It’s never gotten worse than a slightly upset stomach though so you keep quiet about it

Well, it’s never gotten worse until now

After a particularly busy day at a new Baskin-Robbins that opened near your place- where he obviously was going to try every single flavour

Your body just could not handle it and he found you throwing up your guts at 2 in the morning

He just starts

Screaming

Thinks you’re dying for real,, does not know how to handle this situation

You’re basically trying to calm him down while also hacking and wheezing into the toilet

Once he sort of calms down enough to actually listen to what you’re saying, he just sits down next to you and pats your back really awkwardly

“Is this your way of comforting me”

“Shut up we’re never going back there again”

Jaehee

She had been overworking herself again recently and you’d forced her to take a break and hang out with you

You two decided to go out for a picnic, since it was such a nice day

She had packed cute bite sized sandwiches and fruit cubes

After eating, she had laid back on the blanket, just relaxing and listening to you talk

You were excitedly mentioning the new selfie Zen sent to the messenger, reaching for your phone to show her

Unfortunately you did not notice the bee chilling on your phone case

You did soon enough though when you felt the sharp sting in your hand a telltale bee sting

Jaehee immediately sat up when she heard your yelp, seeing your swelling hand and face

But this is baehee we’re talking about

Of course she knew about your allergy already and had three epipens ready

On the outside she was the epitome of calm and collected as she swiftly pulled out the pen and injected it into your thigh

But on the inside she was freaking out

Panic panic panic

After making sure you’re okay afterwards both of you decide that was enough for relaxing picnic time

You two had back home and just cuddle for the rest of the day watching recordings of Zen’s musical

#mystic messenger #mysme #mystic messenger headcanon #mystic messenger imagine #mysme headcanon #mysme imagine #mysme v #mysme saeran #mysme zen #mysme saeyoung #mysme jumin #mysme jaehee

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bicon-korra · 4 years

Text

Entrapta Week: Free Day

Beast Island Log: Property of Entrapta

Summary: Entrapta logs her daily life on Beast Island and starts to uncover a mystery…

[Written for Entrapta Week - Day 7 (Free Day), 1,700 words, notes in tags]

Beast Island Log: Day 1, Entry 1

My name is Entrapta of Dryl. I was banished from the Horde to Beast Island on Force Captain Catra’s command. Before leaving the Horde, I managed to sneak one of my precious voice recorders with me. I may be a prisoner, but I’m still a scientist, after all!

When I first heard tales of Beast Island, I imagined this mythical land inhabited by savage creatures. No one, and I mean no one, told me what a treasure trove of First One’s tech this is! The possibilities for transport, shelter, food gathering, you name it, are endless! I don’t know how anyone can dispose of such beautiful equipment! One man’s trash is another’s treasure, I suppose. I just need to figure out how to clean up their data. It looks like most, if not all, the files are corrupted. Should be simple enough.

Beast Island Log: Day 1, Entry 2

I suppose I should introduce myself. I am a princess of Dryl, where I was born and spent most of my life. In a strange turn of events, I joined the Princess Alliance led by Princess Glimmer of Bright Moon and her co-leader Adora-slash-She-Ra. I was left behind in the Fright Zone on a dangerous mission, and that became my new home. The name sounds scary—kind of like Beast Island—but it’s not as bad as it sounds! I was actually pretty happy there. I had friends: Scorpia, Hordak, my dear Emily...Catra was my friend, too. And then she wasn’t. I try not to dwell on it too much. I’m trying to stay positive. These technological monstrosities are my friends now.

Beast Island Log: Day 2, Entry 1

Today, I will try to determine what’s food and what’s not food. I’ve been studying the eating patterns of the creatures that most resemble mammals, if you can call a four-eyed winged primate-looking-thing a mammal. They mainly thrive off of a spiky fruit that grows inside the trees. There’s another creature with razor-sharp claws that digs the fruit out of the trunk to grab them. It only grabs what it needs to and the rest fall to the ground for other creatures to eat. Fascinating.

Beast Island Log: Day 2, Entry 2

I extracted the juice from the fruit. If it was poisonous, I figured my forest-dwelling friends wouldn’t have survived this long. Boy, was it tough to peel! I’m going to name it scorpion fruit because of the stinger-shaped spikes on its skin. Earlier I put a drop on my wrist to test for an allergic reaction. There was no reaction, so then I put a drop on my tongue and waited for one hour. So far I feel fine. It didn’t taste bitter either. I’m going to try two drops next time, then three.

Beast Island Log: Day 2, Entry 3

My three-drop feast of scorpion fruit has made my stomach just as ravenous as some of these creatures. I’m going to take a small bite now and wait thirty minutes. I drank enough water (thank the First Ones there’s fresh water here!) to purge if I need to. There may be food yet!

Beast Island Log: Day 2, Entry 4

I’m on my second scorpion fruit and nothing has tasted better.

Beast Island Log: Day 3, Entry 1

I managed to scrape some parts together to make a small radio. Problem is, I can’t find the right wires to make my antenna. The bigger problem is these corrupted files. To fix them, I’ll need to charge these machines and most of them are hanging by a thread. Still, they’ve managed to stay alive this long, poor things.

Beast Island Log: Day 3, Entry 2

I discovered another edible root. It’s very tough and stringy, but I found boiling it made it more edible and savory in general. I miss dessert, especially tiny ones.

Beast Island Log: Day 3, Entry 3

Day three on Beast Island, and I’m in a strange state of peace. Of course I miss my friends and my lab. But here? Here I have the opportunity to learn an entirely new skillset. A wilderness explorer, imagine that! Hordak always said that my optimism was somewhat unnatural, but I never knew what he meant until now. I probably have Scorpia to thank for that. She’s the most positive person I know. If only she could see me now. Friends, if you’re listening, I’m going to be okay! Everything will be okay.

Beast Island Log: Day 4, Entry 1

I ventured deeper into the forest to find food that isn’t berries and roots. It’s hard to describe, but I felt a slight vibration coming from the ground. If I close my eyes and listen, it’s almost as if there’s a humming sound all around. Perhaps the area is magnetized? I want to go further in, but I don’t think my forest friends would like that.

Beast Island Log: Day 4, Entry 2

As I suspected, some of these creatures are not very friendly! I came across a small nest near the foot of a tree. I wonder if it fell from the branches. It had small blue eggs with red speckles, similar to bird eggs. I was tempted to hold one, just to get a sense of its weight, until I saw what I presume was its mother. As expected, she saw me as a threat and flew towards me, squawking like mad. I managed to run fast enough into the bushes where she couldn’t reach me. I realized that my body does not handle cardio well. Exercise is not my forte, but I’ll have to add that to my list of survival skills. I’m famished now, so until next time!

Beast Island Log: Day 5, Entry 1

I made a new friend today! As in, actually made one. Her name is Tiny Emily. She’s a cute little thing, the size of my fist. She rolls around while I’m sleeping and alarms if she senses any creatures that come close. These woods can get scary at night, so now I have a protector.

Beast Island Log: Day 6, Entry 1

Today Tiny Emily and I explored one of the marshes just outside the giant scorpion fruit tree. There was some sort of hut, mostly branches and leaves, that something had made. I need to do more exploring.

Day 6, Entry 2

There is definitely a buzzing sound coming from the island’s center. I know because Tiny Emily and I have been marking the perimeter and listening very closely. I wish I had equipment that could help detect the sound wave patterns. I could make one; I just need the right parts and the power. Well, that’s why I have ears! Sometimes you don’t need fancy tech. Sometimes.

Beast Island Log: Day 6, Entry 3

Today was our first rainy day. The first thing we did was take cover under the husk of an old battle tank. I’ve learned to treat every element as potentially dangerous. We determined that the rainwater is safe, so we’re safe. The battle tank was also a fortuitous find. It helps block out water and wind and offers protection from predators.

Day 6, yes 6. Entry 3? 4?

Remember when I said the battle tank was safe? Well, I’m afraid I spoke too soon. The metal is very rusty and corroded and a piece of it fell when the storm outside picked up. We’ll have to seek shelter elsewhere since these machines aren’t structurally sound. Perhaps the hut we found? It looked sturdy enough. I’m very nervous to leave the junkyard in favor of the forest. I find that I don’t do well with bugs and mud. Oh well! There’s always danger in exploration.

Beast Island Log: Day 7

We had a close call today. Tiny Emily rolled down a hill and nearly fell into the river! Though we did make another important discovery. We found a spear near the water. The dexterity and attention to detail needed to craft such a tool...Could we still be dealing with some sort of animal? If something could make this weapon, I’m not sure I want to find out.

Day 7, Entry 2

We found another spear. The pointy end was charred, like it was used to cook food. We found a nest of grub nearby, so perhaps that’s why. We’re not talking about an animal anymore, not even close.

Day 8

I’m not alone on this island.

Beast Island Log: Day 8. 9? Entry 1

We circled the areas where we found the hut and the spears and found an abandoned campfire. No traces of footprints. I would normally never say this, being a practical scientist, but it’s as if we’re tracking a ghost.

Day 10

It has been ten days on Beast Island. I know I just got here, but something inside me is itching to explore the forest, as if it has all the answers I need. I won’t lie. I am frightened. Tiny Emily has been chirping away these past two nights. This might actually be the first night where I feel far away from home.

Beast Island Log: Day 30, I think. Entry 1

I’m afraid I’ve been a very bad scientist. This is the longest break I’ve taken from creating my logs, probably ever! Whoever made the hut and the spear is nowhere to be found. Me and Tiny Emily have searched everywhere. I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with finding them. Maybe it’s someone like me who was sent here. Maybe they came here on their own. To explore. Or to escape. I’ve thought of every possible scenario as to why this person would want to be on this island and I cannot find a single reasonable answer. I don’t know if people were truly made to be alone. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s my problem...

I’m going to keep exploring. I’m going to find whatever is out there and share with them what I know about how to survive on this island. And maybe, together, things will be okay. It’s dinnertime. Signing off.

[WARNING: LOW BATTERY!!]

#writing #entrapta #entraptaweek #entrapta week #she ra #spop #my writing #notes:#it's really short (I could write countless entries) and I know nothing abt technology but here we are!#blah blah

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the-little-crime-writer · 4 years

Text

Discussion time;

so.. when I was around 8 I believe my moms ex boyfriend was really weird with me and I had a gut feeling that something was wrong and I did try to run away but it didn't work and eventially it lwd to the point of me being hit so badly on my bum that I couldn't sit down on anything other than a pillow. This person also used to make me eat a soup that would make me gag and my mother knew about it, if I refused to eat something it would be poured over my head including my own vomit which at one point I was forced to eat. I couldn't really explain it very well to my school nurse at the time why I was in so much pain because he told me to not tell anyone so I tried not to but the pain when I tried sitting down at school was unbearable.

The only way I could explain it to my school nurse was that my bum looked like a dalmatians spots. And before I knew it I had social services around me and police it was crazy, I had to go to hospital to have photos taken and the machine was so loud that it scared me so I put my hands over my ears. I was terrified. I couldn't sleep unless I had the light on and I used to repeatedly wet the bed. I had to have a recorded chat with a police officer in a room for court not that I'd be allowed to attend which I wish I could have.

So, I had lost trust in men completely because I was petrified of it happening again so I only used to date women until I met my current boyfriend who showed me different.

Me and my mom don't get on very well as she is friends with one of my abusers and she used to chase me up the stairs and hit me repeatedly if I annoyed her. She used to lock the kitchen up so I couldn't eat and would lock me in the house so I couldn't get out. She also would lock up the living room so I couldn't watch tv. The only rooms I had access to were mine, the bathroom and her room. In the end as gross as this is I used to eat frozen food, and now I eat so fast that I have actually chipped my teeth because I never know when my next meal is. I always eat really fast even though I know I can afford to get myself something to eat even though I don't know how to cook much stuff.

So when I was 15 my moms friend asked to see me naked when I was upset about a horse who was dying of colic and I didn't know if she would survive or not. I immediately said no but I was pressured to getting my breasts out and I remember crying and he later apologised when bringing me cake. No one at school believed me, my mom didn't believe me and because she wouldn't leave the room when the police officer was there I told them I had lied. Which made me angrier to do. So I hatched a plan to catch him out which I did when I was 19 and the situation was far worse and when it all came out no one gave a shit.

When I was 17 I was depressed but I never knew I was, I would of had moments where I'd sit and cry and then I'd be okay. My teacher who was 28 at the time committed suicide and I blamed myself for it. Me and my classmates were not very nice people and I wasn't a very nice person when I was 17. We used to mess around all the time when she was trying to teach us and right before we knew she had died I remember saying to her I hate you, see you after half-term. I never hated her but she would annoy me but I never in all my life expect someone to be dead the next time we hear about them. I blamed myself to the point of self-destruction. I went to her funeral to say goodbye and then my life spiralled out of control.

I felt very suicidal and I messaged a friend about it and she told me "I don't care if you fucking kill yourself" so here I was offing myself to a whole pack of paracetamol at 17. I thought fuck my life, I've had so much shit and I've had enough. So i took the whole box of 500mg paracetamol and then went toilet as I had a urge to go to the toilet. Then I left the house and got on a bus but had no idea where I was going but needed toilet again which I thought was strange not realizing it was the overdose. I was walking around and I messaged my mom saying that I was ovbiously a disgrace and that's why she didn't love me and that's why she allowed all the abuse to happen to me including abusing me herself. I refused to tell her where I was because I wanted to die. Someone else that I was talking to was trying to tell me how good of a person I was but I didn't listen. And then I was calling and texing people telling them I'm sorry for being a horrible person or of I ever said anything horrible to them. I was a mess, a real mess.

I remember sitting down and then not gettint back up, I lost the feeling to my legs and this then set in.. fuck, I'm actually going to die. But I still didn't really care, I had a police officer texting me whilst my phone was dying and I was arguing with her, she had found my diary of how I'd spoken about my abuse and all the other crap and I told her. You're properly a man, you don't give a shit about me and you'll probably use me like they all do. Referring to my abuse as a child and when I was 15. I kept telling her to leave me alone and eventually I turned my phone off. I just wanted to die and I wanted it to hurry up. In the end I was losing my vision,

I couldn't see straight and I sat crying, I had some drunk call me a retard and a woman gave me some tissue because I was crying. But then I started to panic, I was losing control of my body and things got worse and worse. I ended up calling a friend and telling her what happened and she wanted me to go to her and I told her I couldn't. My friend and her mom rushed to me, I kept crying because I wanted to die but I also wanted my pain to stop and I couldn't make it stop. My friends mom sat behind me screaming to keep me awake whilst my friend called my mom and told her she found me and that I was in a really bad way.

No ambulance came for me, I had 3 police cars and they dragged me to the car and the second they pulled off I puked everywhere on my friends mom. Then I somewhat looked up at the police officer I was arguing with was indeed a woman and she was quite distraught from what she had read and wanted to help me. I ended up being on drips and then being sectioned in a mental institution.

I was out cold for 2hrs and woke up barely remembering my own name, I lost a lot of memory and I woke up being someone else. It was an experience that I thought I'd never do again but I was wrong. I got an Addiction to overdosing and have overdosed 7 times, I have BPD which stands for Borderline Personality Disorder and makes it worse when I'm depressed as the suicidal thoughts are a lot worse.

The last suicidal attempt was back in June last year and it was when I scared the absolute shit out of my boyfriend who blames himself. I was feeling quite depressed but I never spoke to anyone about it because I'm a type of person who holds everything in and that's what I used to do all the time. I had an allergic reaction and I was scratching my stomach and then my throat was closing up so I had to have oxygen.. I puked everywhere when the ambulance pulled off and I panicked because I couldn't breathe. When I eventually got seen by a doctor I had liver failure and had to have drips again. My liver levels were 3x over the limit. They were at 250.

Thankfully I haven't felt suicidal in a long time and I'm somewhat mentally doing okay, I try and talk to people if I feel depressed or suicidal and I always try to help other people who have been in the same situation as me. I hope to never do anything like that again because one day it could kill me. And to my current boyfriend, I'm sorry, I love you and thank you for being patient with me. You have shown me so much kindness througuout my trauma and I don't know what I'd do without you.

I hope this story has helped someone in some way.

#my story #depression #suicide #tw suicide #true crime community #true crime blog #survivor of abuse #survivor of attempted suicide #this is my story #neglect #abuse #childhoodabuse

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lets-talk-appella · 5 years

Note

26. "The diamond on your engagement ring is fake."

Thank you for the prompt! Hope you don’t mind that it took so long for me to get to and that I threw in a lap dance and some smut?

Shine Bright (Like Cubic Zirconia)

Summary: Starts with an engagement and a pissed off Beca, ends with pure smut.

Also contains a lap dance and some French. (Thanks to @isthemusictoblame for the idea on that!)

Word Count: 10k, with 5k of plot and 5k of smut.

Rating: E

AO3 and FFN

“This cakeis horrible,” Beca grumbled around the mouthful of what was supposed to becarrot cake but tasted like orange chalk.

“You saidthat about the last five,” Jesse sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.

He lookedtired, Beca thought. It annoyed her.

This wholething had been his idea from the get-go. He’d been the one to get a ring anddrop down on one knee only a week after the Worlds competition. The timing hadbeen shitty, too; she’d already told Chloe and Amy she would move to New Yorkwith them, so she’d felt like a dick for cancelling the Original Plan (as shecalled it) to move to LA with Jesse instead. They’d been understanding aboutit, thank god, but she hadn’t missed the disappointment and sadness in Chloe’seyes and the accusation in Amy’s.

It wasn’t her fault, though, because it had beenall Jesse’s idea. Maybe if he’d talked to her about it beforehand instead ofjust jumping in and assuming she was on the same page, he’d have realized itwasn’t the best move to make.

She’dstill said yes, though. So, in a way, she had kind of agreed to all this. Themove to LA, the ensuing job hunt and successive hiring at BFD Records, and thespur-of-the-moment wedding planning, because for some reason, Jesse wanted thewhole thing to happen right away. Since then, Beca had also agreed to the venuechoice, the save-the-dates, the table seating, the band, and, yes, the cakeselection. Which, normally, should have been a good time – who doesn’t love sitting and eating cake forhours? – but nothing tasted right and something was missing.

“Perhapsthe red velvet?” their wedding planner, Amber, suggested in a clipped tone.

Beca’sirritation only grew and she chewed with a renewed vengeance.

She hadn’tseen the point of a wedding planner. They were overpriced, bossy, controlling,and, especially in Amber’s case, annoying.If she had it her way, they wouldn’t even have a wedding planner. They didn’tneed one. Not when she had Chloe Beale as her Maid of Honor and the rest of theBellas as her bridesmaids. They knew her better than anyone else, and theywould have actually listened to her, unlike the blithering idiot standing infront of her.

Not thatChloe and the rest of the Bellas could be much help in the wedding planningdepartment when they lived across the country.

LA didn’t smell very good.

“Emilydoesn’t like red velvet cake,” Beca reminded Amber and Jesse.

Besideher, Jesse rolled his eyes impatiently, but Beca didn’t care. She’d been sureto ask the Bellas their cake preferences before the tasting for this exactreason. Their opinions mattered to her, especially when she was supremelyindifferent to the whole thing. Was cake choice really such an important partof the wedding that they needed to sample more than 30 different kinds?

No. It wasnot.

Amber’slips visibly thinned, her knuckles turning white around her clipboard. Becawatched her with amusement, wondering just how far she could push her.

God, shehated wedding planners. It was one day of a person’s life – a few hours,really. Did there need to be an entire career path dedicated to the profession?

No. Theredid not.

“Beca, itdoesn’t matter what Emily likes,” Jesse said, obviously forcing himself toremain calm. “What matters is what we like.”

Becashrugged. “It matters to me what Emily likes,” she said stubbornly. “I want mybridesmaids to be happy.”

Ambercleared her throat loudly and said, “Well, when you have that many bridesmaids, that’s going to be a challenge. Not to berude,” she added with an extremely fake, simpering giggle that made Beca clenchher jaw.

LA wasn’tas sunny as she’d thought it was supposed to be.

She had totake a deep breath. Amber had made it no secret that she thought 9 bridesmaids anda Maid of Honor was too many. Realistically, Beca knew that it was a littleover the top, but she certainly wasn’t going to admit that to anyone, much lessto Amber. And besides, it wasn’t like they weren’t paired on Jesse’s side withthe former Trebles.

“Yeah,well, sorry I have friends,” Beca grumbled. Then, out of spite, she added,“Maybe they should have been here. Or at least, Chloe.”

Jessesighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Served him right for dragging heracross the country on a stupid romantic whim.

“That’sgoing to be hard when your entire wedding party is across the country,” Amberquipped, then added, “Not to be rude.”

The truthof the statement sliced into Beca like a knife. She missed them, more than shecared to admit. She missed Chloe the most.

“Look,Beca, maybe with a different frosting?” Jesse pleaded, leaning forward.

“You know,Amber,” Beca drawled, ignoring Jesse and leaning back in her chair, “I’m prettysure Chloe would have at least let me play mymusic at my own wedding. And she’dhave let me dance how I wanted.”

Amber’sexpression soured further. “Not to be rude,” she started tersely, “but we’vebeen over this. A professional band will bring more to the table than your…little projects.”

Becaopened her mouth to respond, only for Amber to lift a hand to cut her off.

Amberplowed on, “And I know you didn’t enjoy the dance lessons – you made that abundantly clear – but don’t you wantyour first dance together to be a statement rather than a sideshow?”

“Have wetried the chocolate yet?” Jesse tried, searching the table of cakesfrantically.

“I’m justsaying that my Maid of Honor should be present for big decisions,” Beca repliedicily.

Amber’slips twitched upward into what looked like an excruciatingly painful smile. “Ithink I know my way around wedding planning more than some friend you pickedoff the street. Not to be rude.”

LA didn’tfeel as welcoming as she thought it would be. It was missing something.

“Amber,” Beca fired back in the same simperingtone Amber was so fond of, “would you please fuck off? Not to be rude,” sheadded as an afterthought.

Amber lookedlike she’d been slapped; her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open somewhat comically.A deafening silence fell over the room as Beca sat staring smugly at herwedding planner, waiting for the inevitable explosion.

“Did youtry the coconut and lime?” Jesse asked loudly, clearly trying to break thetension as he steered the plate with cake right into Beca’s face, all butshoving it up her nose.

Becajerked back sharply. Glaring at him, she hissed, “Chloe’s allergic to coconut.”

As theyalways did, Jesse’s eyes hardened at the mention of Chloe; Beca immediatelywent on the defense, ready to defend her best friend to the death. Before Jessecould even get a word out, though, Amber slammed her clipboard down onto thetable with a deafening crash that caught the attention of everyone in aten-mile radius.

“I’mdone,” she spat, glaring hard at Beca. “I’m done dealing with your bullshit. Iquit. You are the most stubborn, rude, and unfeeling wretch I have ever had themisfortune to work for.”

“Thankyou,” Beca replied easily.

Amber’sface turned an interesting shade of puce. Her eyes flicked down to Beca’s lefthand, which rested on the table; for a moment, Beca wondered if she was aboutto go for a cake knife.

Instead, however,Amber simply smirked, drew herself up to her full height, and declaredpompously, “The diamond on your engagement ring is fake.”

She spunon her black stiletto heel and marched out of the room, back ramrod straightand head held high as she shoved the door open with an almighty crash.

Becastared after her, confused. That hadn’t been the reaction she’d been expecting.The quitting, sure, but the ring comment? That was just pathetic. Okay, maybeAmber had been around enough jewelry in her time to guess at its quality, butthere was no way she could be right about Beca’s ring being fake.

No, shewas obviously just saying that as revenge, to throw Beca off.

Becaturned to Jesse, fully expecting to have to apologize and promise to find a newplanner before moving on to the next (almost certainly awful) cake sample onlyto pause at the nervous, cornered expression on his face.

“Jesse?”she asked, her stomach flipping.

Hewouldn’t look at her.

“Ignorethat psycho,” Beca tried. “I know she just said that to get in my head. It’sfine.”

Jesseshook his head slowly and didn’t respond.

Becastarted to feel weird.

“Jesse?”she asked again, allowing an edge to creep into her voice. “It’s not… she waslying. Right?” she added a moment later, leaning forward.

The nextseconds were quite possibly the longest of her life. Finally, Jesse exhaledslowly before looking up to finally meet her eyes.

The guiltshe saw there stunned her.

“I wasgoing to get a real one later,” he confessed, his voice tight as if every wordpained him. “I wanted to wait until… after the wedding.”

“Why?”Beca asked, utterly aghast. If it was a financial problem, she didn’t care. Ifit was an honest mistake, that was fine too. The jewelry didn’t matter to her,not really.

Jessewinced before replying, “I wanted to wait in case… in case we didn’t work outand it was called off. Then, after the wedding, I was going to switch it outwith a real one.”

Beca felther mouth fall open.

Thejewelry didn’t matter, but the reason behind it sure did.

“Don’tlook at me like that,” Jesse defended himself in a rush, “I didn’t know whatyou were going to do! I mean – Jesus, Beca, you’ve been fighting against thiswedding since the moment we started planning it!”

His voicerose at the end, becoming steady louder as his face reddened.

Beca hadever been so disgusted with him.

“You meansince you and Amber stared planningit?” she fired back, her anger growing by the second.

“Hard toplan with someone who’s obviously so against it!” Jesse half-shouted. “Andyou’re no help with decisions! It’s not like I can trust you to make acommitment!”

He cut offabruptly, blinking rapidly as the true meaning of his words settled betweenthem, filling the space like cement.

“Then why’dyou even ask me?” she whispered, even though she already knew the answer.

He’d askedbecause it was what people in three-year relationships were supposed to do.He’d asked because if he hadn’t, they’d have been living across the countryfrom each other. He’d asked because it’s what would have happened if life was amovie.

Lifewasn’t a movie.

LA really,really sucked.

“Why’d yousay yes?” he shot back, quieter but no less angry.

“Because,I…” she trailed off.

She’d saidyes because she hadn’t had another option. She’d said yes because Jesse wassafe, Jesse was easy, Jesse was… boring.

She’d saidyes because Chloe hadn’t asked her first.

“I don’tknow,” Beca finally lied, the reality shaking her to the core.

His facefell, his expression crumpling until she couldn’t bear to watch anymore. Shelooked instead at the ring on her finger, at what must be cubic zirconia orsomething instead of diamond.

She kindof hated that Jesse had been right. With her right hand, she slipped the ringfrom her finger to place it on the pristine tablecloth, between the chocolateand coconut cakes. She sent him a tight smile and rose to leave out the samedoor Amber had, not quite having it in her to slam it open with as much gusto.

LA wasmissing Chloe.

Shewondered if Jesse would run after her. It’s what would happen in a movie.

He didn’t.

As she hitthe street and waved for a Taxi, Beca had to blink back the unexpected sting oftears in her eyes.

She didn’tknow what was worse: that Jesse had planned for them to fail, or that she wasrelieved they had.

Everythingwas surprisingly straightforward after the breakup. Amber had already quit astheir wedding planner, so she didn’t have to deal with that. After that, all ittook was a simple text to Chloe (thewedding isn’t happening) and within hours, Chloe – still in New York, threetime zones away – had managed to cancel the venue, the band, the catering, andeven the church service without a hitch. She even managed to get Beca refundedfor everything, including the $300 venue security deposit, which was supposedto have been impossible.

Becawasn’t sure what she’d said to make that happen, but she knew she’d never againunderestimate the power of a vengeful Chloe Beale.

Becauseeven though Chloe hadn’t said a single thing against Jesse – hadn’t even askedBeca for the full story until afterthe practical details were taken care of – Beca knew Chloe had to be livid.Because she would be if their roles were reversed.

Becapacked her bags that night, and after checking with Chloe (You’re always welcome here Bec.), bought a one-way ticket to NewYork on the next available flight, figuring it was time to go back to theOriginal Plan. She’d called her boss at BFD records and told him she’d like totransfer to the New York branch for the foreseeable future, and, surprisingly,he’d said it would be an easy switch. Jesse, once he came back to theirapartment (three hours after Beca had returned the ring), helped her carry herbags to a waiting Taxi and agreed to ship the rest of her things to her. Whenhe asked for the address and she told him Chloe’s, his grip on the straps ofher bag tightened momentarily before he placed it into the trunk.

He mighthave waved as the Taxi drove away, but Beca didn’t look back.

It wasn’tuntil she was through airport security and waiting at her gate, playingabsentmindedly with her phone, that Beca realized she hadn’t told the otherBellas. Their group WhatsApp had been suspiciously silent since it hadhappened, and she wondered if Chloe had warned them to leave her alone for awhile.

She took adeep breath and closed the Duolingo app (her French was coming along nicely,not that she’d ever get the chance to use it), already dreading the torrent ofsympathy that was about to be flung at her. Reluctantly, she opened the groupchat and told the rest of the Bellas the same thing she’d texted to Chloe hoursbefore, adding the details of Amber’s meltdown and the fake engagement ring.

As soon asthe message was sent, the floodgates opened; her phone buzzed and beeped somuch that several other people waiting at her gate stared. Wincing and tryingto ignore the glares being sent her way, Beca unlocked her phone, silenced it,and read through the messages. It was about what she’d expected. Amy dismissedJesse immediately, more upset about Beca missing her bachelorette party (whichAmy had chosen to plan, rather than Chloe) than anything; Emily offered anexcess amount of sympathy; Flo offered to make her as many smoothies as sheneeded to recover; Cynthia-Rose cussed Jesse out and called him too “clingy andhappy”; Lilly just said “dead,” which made Beca question Jesse’s safety;Jessica and Ashley both sent emojis; Aubrey wasn’t surprised that Beca haddriven Amber to snap, but thought it happened for the best; and Staciesuggested sending Amber a fruit basket as a thank you for severing what wouldhave been “an awful marriage anyway.”

Chloe was notablyabsent from the chat, but Beca chalked it up to having talked to her separatelyabout the whole thing sooner.

Becawondered vaguely if Cynthia-Rose would think Chloe was too clingy and happy.

Sheignored the still-exploding WhatsApp momentarily (Amy was still lamenting theloss of the bachelorette party) to text her dad and Shelia about the breakup. Heresponded surprisingly quickly for the late hour, offering his condolences. Heseemed a little disappointed – he’d always liked Jesse – but agreed that endingthe relationship was the best thing to do. For some reason, he hadn’t seemedsurprised that Chloe had helped her so much.

Thecrackle of the airport sound system startled her, and she looked up. The gateopened, and her boarding zone was called by a man with a scruffy goatee and abored voice. She rose, shoved her phone in her purse, hefted her carry-on overa shoulder, and stepped in line for boarding.

She shouldhave been scared, she supposed, as she shuffled forward in the slow-movingline. She was giving up her dreams in LA – though, really, LA wasn’t all thatgreat after all – to restart at BFD’s sister branch in New York. She had endeda long-term relationship that had led to an engagement. She had no idea what toexpect from the miniscule apartment they’d all picked out together before Jessehad changed everything and ruined the Original Plan.

But shewasn’t scared. If she was honest with herself, it was because she knew she wasgoing to see Chloe.

Shereached the front of the queue waiting to board, handing the airline employeeher boarding pass with a tight smile. As she did, she half-wondered if shewould hear her name being yelled in desperation and turn to see Jesse standingthere, hair windswept and clothes crumpled like would happen in a movie. Shewondered if she would still get on the plane if he did come.

Somehow,inexplicably, she knew that if it were Chloe she was leaving, Chloe would havedone it. Chloe would have come after her.

Shestepped into the tunnel without a backward glance.

And ifBeca was really, truly, and completely honest with herself, she knew that thereal reason she wasn’t scared was that she’d known that it would come to thissooner or later.

LeavingJesse to go to Chloe. As if there had ever been another option.

Fromthere, things were easy. Much easier than they really should have been, Becathought.

She’darrived in New York at an ungodly hour only to be swept up in a massive hugfrom Chloe. The instant she’d fallen into Chloe’s arms, everything else had fallenaway. She’d just held tight, inhaling Chloe’s familiar perfume, a sense of calmwashing over her instantly.

Only to bedisrupted by Amy saying loudly, “Honestly, Beca, you’re much better off herewith Ginger and I than with the annoying puppy.”

Beca hadbroken away and faced Amy’s tackle of a hug, even as Amy had droned on abouthow much of a pain it would have been to fly to LA for a quick wedding and backanyway, and really, LA smog was so bad for the lungs that living there wouldhave drained Beca’s soul even more than being married to Jesse probably wouldhave.

And justlike that, everything seemed okay. They’d walked out of the airport togetherand took Beca to the small apartment she really should have been living in for twomonths already. Sure, sharing a bed with Chloe wasn’t exactly ideal (eventhough it could potentially be fun), but it had always been a part of theOriginal Plan. So, it all worked out in the end.

Itshouldn’t have been that easy. Beca felt guilty it was so easy.

She had anew relationship status, a new job, and a new home. And it was all totally fine,because she had Chloe.

The restof her things had arrived three days after she did, Jesse shipping them expressto her at his own expense. She hadn’t spoken to him beyond coordinatingpractical details and suggesting that he look for a new roommate to cover thecost of the LA apartment.

It was so,so easy. It really shouldn’t have been.

But itwas. And Beca thought she knew why.

It was allChloe. Chloe kept the loneliness at bay. Chloe reminded her every day that herjob was cool and amazing and everything she ever hoped for, just in New York.Chloe was her real home.

Beca felta little guilty about that, too. She figured it wasn’t the best thing in theworld to realize she was falling for her best friend only a week after ending anengagement to someone else.

But that’swhat happened.

She wasn’tsurprised, not really. It had always been there, she supposed, and she justhadn’t noticed.

Maybe itshould’ve been weird; she’d asked Chloe to be her Maid of Honor, for Christ’ssake. Beca really wanted to punch herself for that one. Thankfully, thought, itreally wasn’t weird at all. Chloe was the same as she always was, maybe even alittle happier and bubblier than her usual.

She hopedChloe felt the same about her. Chloe had done so much for her and had spent theweek at her side while Amy had found convenient excuses to leave them alone(“Bumper and I really need to perfect the horizontal monster mash.”) so theyoften had the place to themselves.

Which washow, a week after Beca’s plane landed in New York, she found herself alone yetagain in the small apartment with a happily humming Chloe sitting next to heron their shared bed. Beca worked on her laptop (her new job had her much moreinvolved in the process already than the one in LA ever had) while Chloescrolled through Instagram on her phone.

“Ooh, Bec,what do you think?” Chloe asked, lifting her phone to show Beca something.

“Huh?”

“Beca,look.”

An elbowin her side finally tore Beca’s attention from her laptop and she turned to seea blurry video of someone she vaguely recognized swinging around on a stripperpole.

Becasquinted at the phone, wondering exactly what Chloe was getting at.

“Uh… hertechnique needs work?” she tried.

Chloerolled her eyes affectionately and sighed. “No, I mean what do you think ofpoles at a bachelorette party?”

“Oh, uh…”Beca frowned, still not understanding.

“This isTaylor’s bachelorette party.”

“… Okay.”

“Taylor.From the High Notes? Taylor. Come on, Bec, you know. Taylor.”

“Okay,saying her name over and over isn’t going to make me remember,” Beca laughed,even as a dim recollection of Taylor drifted through her memory. “I think Iknow her. She had a pole at her bachelorette?”

“Yep!”Chloe enthused, apparently happy that Beca was getting the point. “What do youthink of that?”

Anyoneelse might think it was tactless to talk about bachelorette parties just a weekafter Beca cancelled her wedding, but that was just Chloe: no boundaries.

Becashrugged. “I mean, good for her. Honestly, Amy probably had something similarplanned for my party before it all blew up,” she joked.

The guiltylook that came over Chloe’s face really should have been a warning sign.

“Oh my –no way!” Beca half-shrieked. “You knew she was planning something like this?!”

Chloecringed, holding up her hands defensively as she replied, “Okay, not this exactly, but, like…”

“What, exactly?”

“Ithinkshewasgonnahirestrippers,”Chloe said in a rush, looking at anywhere but Beca.

Becastared.

With adeep breath, Chloe repeated, “I think she was gonna hire strippers.”

Beca felther face twist in mild disgust. “Male ones?”

Chloeraised an eyebrow curiously. “I mean, I kind of assumed. Maybe both?”

“Bothwould have been better,” Beca replied smugly, enjoying the way Chloe’s othereyebrow rose to join the first. “Now I’m bummed I missed out on seeing that,”she added, not missing the way Chloe had let her phone screen fall asleep inher lap.

Becaturned back to her laptop and resumed working, feeling Chloe’s eyes on her. Shecould all but hear Chloe’s brain whirring, processing the information, butbefore Beca could tease her more or ask her what she was thinking, Chloe brokethe quiet.

“I coulddo it, you know.”

Beca’sfingers froze at her keyboard and her breath caught in her throat. She whippedaround to stare hard at Chloe, positive she’d misheard her. She had to havemisheard her. There was no way Chloe had actually just offered to strip forher. She’d definitely misunderstood.

“What?”Beca choked out, trying hard to ignore the way her heart started hammering againsther ribs.

A cornerof Chloe’s mouth quirked up and she lifted one shoulder. “I could. You know.Strip.” She shrugged again, a little awkwardly. “I had those exotic dancelessons,” she said softly, her gaze dropping to where her fingers played with thebedspread between them.

Beca waspretty sure she’d died in some freak accident. There was no way Chloe wasactually doing this. It had to be a joke. That could be the only explanation.She started to smile, waiting for Chloe to burst out laughing; instead, though,a pink tinge appeared on Chloe’s cheeks.

Beca’sstomach dropped through her toes.

“You’re –you’re serious?” she managed, hearing the disbelief coloring her own tone.“You’re actually serious?”

Chloe drewher lower lip into her mouth and nodded at the bedspread.

Beca feltlike she’d been hit over the head. Her mouth went dry and her hands started tosweat, which was a strange combination. Her first impulse was to run far away.It didn’t make sense; why the hell would Chloe offer to strip for her?

Her secondimpulse was to say yes. It was shocking, almost, how badly she wanted to sayyes. She had definitely developed feelings for Chloe, and the idea of seeingher do that was beyond enthralling.

Beca wassingle for the first time in three years. Amy was gone for the rest of thenight. She and Chloe were both adults, and Beca knew Chloe would never doanything to hurt her.

She heardherself as if from a long distance say, “Yeah. Okay.”

Chloe’seyes snapped up to meet hers.

Becastared back, her tongue suddenly useless. A weird tension filled the spacebetween them.

“I’m notreally… dressed for the occasion,” Chloe finally said, her voice a littlehoarse.

She waswearing tight jeans and a casual, light blue-colored top with a plunging V-neckthat hinted at cleavage and left the strength in her upper arms on cleardisplay. She was barefoot – they both were – because she was in bed.

She lookedamazing.

“I mean,what you’ve got on is, like, it’s good,” Beca shrugged, trying to seem offhand.By the way Chloe smirked at her, she knew she’d sounded anything but offhand.

“Right!”Chloe chirped, clasping her hands together. “Let’s do this.”

“Uh,right,” Beca said, shifting in the bed awkwardly, “where… where should…?”

Thankfully,Chloe seemed to understand. She looked around the small apartment, her gazelanding on something in the kitchen. She rose from the bed, stepping forward tograb the back of one of the three wooden chairs at the small table. She liftedit so it wouldn’t scrape on the floor and positioned it to sit more centrallyin the room, between the bed and the table. Beca couldn’t help but watch her, drinkingin the grace with which she moved and the strength in her arms as she moved thefurniture.

Itsuddenly felt very warm in the apartment.

Becastared at the chair for a moment, then glanced up to see Chloe already watchingher, looking… excited. She definitely looked excited.

Jerkily,Beca scooted herself up in the bed so she was sitting more than laying, thenswung her legs over the side to stand up. Her knees trembled a little, shenoticed idly as she made her way to the chair, sinking into it with a quietexhale.

“Comfy?”Chloe asked, her voice low and sultry.

Becanodded once, allowing herself to relax more fully into the backrest. She triedwiping her hands on her jeans inconspicuously as Chloe crossed the room to pickup her phone again, unlocking it. Beca assumed she was connecting it to theirBluetooth speaker.

Becashifted a little in her chair as she watched Chloe scroll, brow furrowed inconcentration. She crossed her legs, then uncrossed them. For some reason, shecouldn’t make her heel stop tapping on the floor.

“Bec?”

Chloe’svoice, soft and cautious, surprised her.

“We don’thave to do this if you don’t want to,” Chloe said quietly.

Beca’sheel stopped tapping abruptly.

“I wantto,” she said quickly, “I’m just – nervous.”

She cursedherself internally; she hadn’t meant to let that slip out.

Chloe’seyebrows arched again, but she didn’t comment. Her eyes searched Beca’s facefor another second before dropping to look back at her phone.

Scroll,scroll, scroll.

Beca hadno idea what was going to happen. She half-expected the whole thing to still bea joke, that Chloe wasn’t actually going to give her a lap dance, that at anymoment, Meghan Trainor’s “Me Too” or something equally ridiculous would comepouring out of the speaker.

She’d seenChloe dance with the Bellas; as the group’s choreographer, she was really goodat it. She knew how to dance well and knew some sexy dance moves that had beendistracting at times. But still, the idea of Chloe – sweet,sunshine-out-the-ass-Chloe – giving her a lap dance didn’t quite compute.

She reallyshould have known better.

When thesound of dreamy, slow strings filled the air, Beca froze in her chair.

And whenChloe put her phone (now playing “Gooey” by Glass Animals) facedown on hernightstand and turned to shoot her a confident smirk, Beca’s hands balled intofists in her lap.

This wasmost definitely one of her lady jams (to use Chloe’s words). And by the wayChloe walked toward her, gliding over the floor in time with the music, Becawas pretty sure Chloe knew.

Icome close

Letme show you everything I knowChloe wasn’t doingmuch, just walking toward her leisurely, swinging her hips a little more thanusual, but Beca couldn’t tear her eyes away.

Thejungle slangSpinning around my head and I stare

Shestopped a foot away from Beca, staring down at her. Her hips lifted andswiveled agonizingly slowly to match the music. Beca swallowed hard, warmthcreeping up her neck as her eyes flicked between Chloe’s hips and her face.

Whilemy naked fool

The songpicked up, soft beats adding another layer to the music, and Chloe’s hips movedfaster at the same time her hands tangled into her own hair. She bent forward,the soft vanilla smell of her perfume reaching Beca’s nose as their faces weredrawn dangerously close together. Chloe’s eyes flicked down to Beca’s lips andit took all of Beca’s willpower not to extend forward to meet her.

Dopeso good, a silky-smooth perfume

But then,Chloe smirked and arched her back, flipping her hair like she’d done thisbefore and Beca’s breathing stopped.

Ridemy little pooh bear, wanna take a chance

The beatpicked up further, and Chloe’s hands dropped to her hips, resting there toguide them in what Beca soon learned was a never-ending circle. The motionguided the rest of her body in a slow pivot until her back was to Beca. Becacouldn’t stop herself; her eyes dropped just as Chloe widened her stance,dropped her hands, and bent forward, and that was definitely Chloe’s ass in herface.

I’dsay I told you so but you just gonna cry

Becacouldn’t look away; though Chloe was in jeans, they were tight, and she couldsee the perfect shape hidden under the denim. She imagined how easy it would beto reach forward and touch, sliding a hand in the space between her thighs.Before she could act on the urge, Chloe rose and turned around again, movingeven closer, lower lip snared between her teeth, and Beca knew she’d beencaught. Her face warmed and she was ready to blurt out an apology but –

Mindmy simple song, this ain’t gonna workMind my wicked words and tipsy topsy smirk

By the wayChloe’s eyes bored into hers, she didn’t think Chloe cared. Beca’s mouth wentdry and she shifted again in her chair, doing anything she could to hide herreaction to seeing Chloe’s ass up close. But then Chloe’s hands reappeared onher hips only to trail up, snagging the edge of her shirt, lifting it a littleto expose a few inches of skin before the material dropped back down.

Of courseChloe would have perfect abs.

Ican’t take this place, I can’t take this place

Chloe’shands didn’t stop. They rose over her chest, reached her collarbone, andtrailed back down. Beca snapped her eyes back to Chloe’s face, wanting to be lessobvious, but she knew Chloe had seen. The look on her face, some combination ofamusement and curiosity mixed into a small smile, told Beca that Chloe knew exactly what effect those simplemoves had on her.

Truthbe toldI’ve been here, I’ve done this all before

Chloe’shands reached her hips again and started on their path back up. Again, herfingers caught on the hem of her shirt, but this time, she kept lifting. Shelifted the shirt up until her black bra was showing, then even higher until totake the shirt off completely, dropping it to the side.

Icut it up and puff it into bloom

And thenshirtless Chloe was standing in front of her with a sexy smirk on her face.Beca stared and stared and she was definitely objectifying her best friend, butChloe looked amazing, all ab lines and what was surely perfection under her blackbra and then Chloe leaned forward, her cleavage most definitely on display, torest her hands lightly on Beca’s knees.

Ridemy little pooh bear, wanna take a chanceWanna sip this smooth air, kick it in the sandI’d say I told you so but you just gonna cry

The suddencontact after minutes of watching Chloe move made Beca whimper involuntarily.The smirk on Chloe’s face grew and she applied pressure to Beca’s knees and –and Chloe spread Beca’s legs.Mind my simple song, this ain’t gonna workMind my wicked words and tipsy topsy smirkI can’t take this place, I can’t take this place

Beca’spalms were definitely sweating again and she was uncomfortably warm, but thenChloe sank to her knees, her upper body settled between Beca’s legs. The handson Beca’s legs slid up to her mid-thigh. Beca’s toes curled and her back archedinvoluntarily to rock herself forward, but she stopped the movement before itreally began. Chloe noticed; the heat of her gaze seared right into Beca tosettle in her lower stomach.

Holdmy hand, flow back to the summer timeTangled in the willows, now comes the tide

Chloe roseup, moving through Beca’s legs to brush her barely-clothed chest along Beca’sentire upper body. Beca heard herself make a strangled choking noise and herhands rose automatically to rest on Chloe’s lower back, meeting hot skin.Instantly though, Chloe grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands away and pressingthem back to her sides as she stepped back and out from between Beca’s legs tosend cold air rushing between them.

Beca gotthe message; look but don’t touch.

Somehow,it only made her want to touch Chloe even more.

Howcan I believe you, how can I be niceTripping around the tree stumps in your summersmile

Chloestepped around Beca, moving to stand behind her chair. Beca tried to twist tosee her, but soft fingertips pressed into her cheekbones from behind, keepingher head turned forward. She felt Chloe lean over her from behind, heardChloe’s voice humming along to the music softly as something soft and wetbrushed her ear.

Lips.Chloe’s lips were at her ear.

Heat shotbetween Beca’s legs and her thighs clenched automatically. All too soon,though, Chloe pulled back, dropping her fingertips from Beca’s face, and movedagain.

Ridemy little pooh bear, wanna take a chanceWanna sip this smooth air, kick it in the sand

At thereturn of the fast chorus, Chloe swung a leg over her hips and straddled her inthe chair, knees bracketing her sides. Chloe’s arms fell to rest over hershoulders as her body started rolling into Beca’s, pressing down and into her.

Becamoaned at the teasing contact, her hands flying to support Chloe’s lower back.This time, Chloe didn’t stop her; Beca’s fingers traced along Chloe’s spine,down to the waist of her jeans and back up, caressing around her ribs.

Theirpositioning had Beca’s face level with Chloe’s throat.

Mindmy simple song, this ain’t gonna workMind my wicked words and tipsy topsy smirk

Withoutthinking, without considering what she was doing, Beca extended forward topress her lips to the neck she’d been wanting to taste for nearly four years.

She feltand heard Chloe’s sharp gasp; her rolling rhythm shuddered to a halt. Fingersappeared in Beca’s hair, pulling her away and tilting her head back to make eyecontact.

Chloestared down at her, eyes wide and dark. They flicked between both of Beca’s intensely,making panic pool in Beca’s chest.

“I – Chlo,don’t –”

Chloe’slips crashed down onto hers, capturing them in a searing kiss that sent adrenalineshooting through Beca’s entire body. Beca responded as well as she could,moving her lips in time with Chloe’s. She felt Chloe’s tongue trace her lowerlip; stunned, she gasped, and then all she could taste was Chloe. She grippedmore tightly to Chloe’s back, drawing a soft whimper from her throat.

Chloe sankinto her lap, sitting on her rather than straddling her, making the angleeasier on Beca’s neck. Beca heard herself groan, and then Chloe resumed movingher hips, this time grinding down into Beca.

Beca dimlyregistered that the music emitting from the Bluetooth speaker had changed;instead of the hypnotic quality of “Gooey,” the electronic, sexy opening chordsof SoMo’s “Curve” filled the room. Beca groaned again, clutching at Chloe’sback; “Curve” was most definitely another of her lady jams. Immediately,Chloe’s grinding shifted to match the beat, hips rolling into Beca’s again andagain.

Getout of bed with me on your mindBaby, you know it’s a matter of timeDrop me a line, whether it’s three in themorningRaining, but it’s you that’s storming

Chloe’stongue was in her mouth and her hair was between her fingers and her hips keptrocking forward, driving the heat between them higher with every second. Thehands at the base of her skull slid back down to rest on her shoulders at thesame time Chloe broke the kiss to instead drop her mouth to Beca’s neck.

Runit back, done with thatThought you were never coming back, ohDon’t do that, heart attack

Beca heardherself keen at the feel of Chloe’s tongue dragging over her skin. Her fingerswound even more tightly into Chloe’s hair, tugging slightly to make Chloewhimper.

Breakingaway from Beca’s neck, Chloe leaned back as well as she could while sitting inBeca’s lap and for a second Beca wondered if she’d done something wrong, butthen Chloe’s hands were at the hem of her shirt and lifting. Beca’s breathcaught in her throat and she raised her arms to help until, suddenly, she was asshirtless as Chloe.

Chloeswooped back down, their lips crashing together even as Beca’s hands skimmedover Chloe’s back, finding the clasp on the black bra she wore. She fumbled atit, unclasping it relatively quickly, but then Chloe pulled back again.

Beca sawthe question in her eyes, the slight hesitation, but Beca was sure. She noddedand leaned forward to reunite their lips. She felt Chloe’s hands slide aroundthe strap of her own bra and start to work at the clasp.

You’rethe only one that I wantAnd I’ve waiting for this call for so long

The momenther bra gave, Chloe’s hands were on her, reaching under the material to cup andexplore, running her thumbs over taut skin. Something in Beca snapped; herhands dropped to the button on Chloe’s jeans, tugging it open and unzippingthem in one movement.

Chloe roseoff her lap, standing and pulling her bra off the rest of the way. Beca stared,her mouth going dry even as she stood from her chair and tossed her own braaside. Chloe’s eyes dropped to her chest instantly, her hands already reachingfor the button on Beca’s jeans.

Youknow I’ve been waiting so damn long

Becaguided Chloe backward toward the bed, knowing that maybe they were going toofast too soon, but all she could think about was how good Chloe’s breasts feltin her hands and how much she loved the little mewling noises that tore fromChloe’s throat every time Beca ran her thumbs over their peaks.

The backsof Chloe’s knees hit the bed and she stopped; Beca tried to push her onto it butChloe shook her head and flipped them so that Beca was the one with her back tothe bed.

“I onlywant you,” Chloe whispered as she shoved Beca back to lie on the mattress.

Igot to, I got to, I got toHold onto, hold onto, hold on (no)I hold onto the curve in your backWhile you lie on your back

Chloe wason top of her immediately, straddling one of her thighs, her hands on eitherside of Beca’s head to hold herself up. She attached her lips to Beca’s neck,sucking and nipping at the skin there until Beca knew she was going to bruise.

The firstroll of Chloe’s hips into her sent Beca’s hands flying to Chloe’s back,clutching desperately. Chloe thrust her hips forward again, and Beca was on fire. She heard herself groan, and thenChloe was kissing down her neck, down her chest, until, with a devilish smirkup at her, Chloe stooped her head to close her lips around the peak of Beca’sleft breast.

Oh,you like it like that, ohI want to, I want to, I want toHold onto, hold onto, hold on (no)I hold onto the curve in your back

Becakeened loudly, her back arching off the mattress and hands turning to claws onChloe’s shoulders. Chloe released her breast with a hiss, and Beca knew shemust have scratched her but Chloe didn’t seem to care; she switched to Beca’sother side, tongue prodding and soothing, her hips still swiveling until Becafinally had the presence of mind to bend her knee to give Chloe something tobear down on.

Chloe’sbody trembled above her and she ground down on Beca’s thigh with a deep moan. Shedropped to an elbow, more of her weight resting on top of Beca as she draggedher free hand along Beca’s side, her nails scraping lightly.

Oh,it’s getting (hot)I can feel your (pulse)Whispering, “don’t (stop)”

Beca archedup again, needing more, needing Chloe. Her body was overheated, her corethrobbed and she saw stars with every press of Chloe’s hips into hers, but itwasn’t enough.

“Please,”she managed brokenly. “I – I need, Chlo, I –”

Chloelifted her head to meet Beca’s eyes. The sight of her tangled hair and blownpupils flooded Beca’s veins with want. She let her hands drop to Chloe’sbackside and pulled to bring her pelvis down into her own and moaneddesperately.

Chloemoaned, too, before scrambling back to stand at the end of the bed. She reachedfor the cuffs of Beca’s jeans. Beca lifted her hips to help and Chloe ripped herpants off in one smooth motion before working on taking her own.

Therewasn’t any question of where this was going anymore, so Beca reached down toremove her own underwear, but before she could, Chloe was on top of her again, restingon an elbow, this time cradled between her open legs.

Ineed you the (most)How many nights have I blessed ya?How many nights have you called my name?Don’t play, I know you wanna stay, and so let’sjust-

Chloe’shand was instantly on a breast, kneading and pressing, making Beca seefireworks. Beca’s hips canted upward, searching for friction, desperate forChloe to get the hint. The hand on her breast slid down her stomachfrustratingly slowly until the throbbing between her legs threatened toovertake her other senses; Beca squirmed and tilted her hips, wiggling down andagainst Chloe, needing more contact.

Chloeunderstood instantly; the hand on her stomach stopped teasing and instead droppedto cup her crotch over her underwear. Beca’s jaw dropped and she tried to gasp,but all she could hear was Chloe moaning above her. Beca scrabbled at Chloe’sback, running her nails up and down, trying to wiggle down in the bed for morecontact and attempting to open her legs even wider.

Chloelifted back to create a hair of space between them, her fingertips moving totrace the waistband of Beca’s underwear.

“Is this–” she started, only to be cut off by Beca pulling her down into a kiss andlifting her hips again.

“God, yes,just –”

The restof her sentence got lost in how it felt to have Chloe’s hand slip down thefront of her underwear.

Becaalmost came right then, at the very first touch.

“Bec,you’re… soaked,” Chloe breathed, her fingers stroking and exploring.

Beca triedto respond, but all that came out was a garbled mess of syllables; her mind wastoo focused on how Chloe’s fingers felt gliding against her.

Chloedidn’t waste time teasing, instead finding Beca’s throbbing bundle of nervesinstantly and circling it tightly, adding pressure with each pass. Beca’sentire body jerked and her head pressed back into the pillow. Her hips rockedat the rhythm she let Chloe set, a fast, staccato one that made her breath comein gasps.

“Ah – fuck – that’s – don’t stop,” Becapanted, another slew of curses falling from her mouth when Chloe’s fingersdropped to circle her entrance.

“Can I?”

“If youdon’t, I swear to god –”

Chloelaughed, a breathless chuckle that was at odds with the casual way she slid onefinger inside. Beca grunted, her hips lifting as Chloe pulled back then pressedin, adding a second finger. She moved slowly at first, then increased her paceuntil she was thrusting hard and fast into Beca.

Beca’seyes rolled back and she crossed her heels over Chloe’s back, trying to pullher in further, trying to take more of her. Chloe moaned and moved faster,using her hips to drive into Beca more firmly with each thrust.

The bedhad started making a cacophony of noise, but Beca was too far gone to care; shewasn’t going to be stopping this for anyone, angry neighbors be damned. Herbody burned and she knew she was digging her nails into Chloe’s back too hardbut then Chloe started curling her fingers as she pulled back to rub at that one spot inside.

Beca’sbody tensed, her jaw clenching against the near-constant stream of syllablesflowing from her mouth as she was hit with the realization that this was Chloe,best friend Chloe, former Maid of Honor Chloeinside of her. Her hips locked in place and she felt herself starting totighten and twitch around Chloe’s fingers.

“I’m –I’m, Chlo, I’m –”

Chloeredoubled her efforts, twisting her hand to press her palm against Beca andadding a third finger. Beca cried out; her senses were so overwhelmed and shewas so full and her legs tensed andher back arched and she felt herself clenching so that Chloe was held in place,palm pressing there, until, with afinal flutter of the fingers inside of her, Beca came harder than she ever had.

She bitdown onto Chloe’s shoulder to keep from yelling out. She thrashed againstChloe, wave after wave making her body shudder. Chloe kept her hand where itwas, moving her fingers gently to prolong it until, with a shaky breath, Beca’sbody gave out and she melted back into the mattress.

Sheuncrossed her heels from Chloe’s back, wincing when Chloe eased out of her.Almost reverently, Chloe stroked through her length, the barest brush againstsensitive nerves sending aftershocks through Beca’s body and making her twitch.

“Don’teven think about it,” Beca groaned in response to the question in Chloe’s eyes.“I can’t again.”

Chloepouted a little but pulled away, removing her hand from Beca’s (completelyruined) underwear. She wiped her hand on her own thigh before rolling off ofBeca – whose legs immediately collapsed and fell to the side – to lay on herback next to her.

Becastared at the ceiling for a moment, breathing hard, her head spinning. Shecouldn’t believe she’d just gotten the best orgasm of her life from ChloeBeale.

And yet –when Beca turned her head to make sure, there Chloe was, watching her sotenderly that it made Beca’s chest fill with happiness.

“So, wheredid that come from?” Beca asked, still catching her breath.

Chloeshrugged. “I guess… you could say I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.”

Beca’sheart throbbed at the uncharacteristic shyness in Chloe’s voice. She felt Chloeshift next to her and realized with a pang how uncomfortable she must be.

The secondthat occurred to her, she found herself moving like she’d been possessed,rolling so that she hovered over Chloe, hips between her legs. Chloe blinked upat her, stunned, and Beca almost wanted to laugh. She settled for a smirk thatmade Chloe whimper and caused hands to appear on her back before she descendedwithout preamble onto Chloe’s chest.

Theguttural groan that tore free from Chloe’s throat almost made her come again.

MimickingChloe’s rocking motion, Beca drove her hips forward, feeling the heat andmoisture even through Chloe’s underwear as she rolled her tongue aroundpebbling skin. She held it between her lips, sucking as she pulled back untilit slid from her mouth. Beneath her, Chloe collapsed back into the bed with agasp, only for Beca to drop her mouth to the other side.

Becastooped to one elbow, her free hand roving gracelessly over Chloe’s side,skimming Chloe’s previously attended to breast and tracing down the lines ofher abs. As she circled her navel, Chloe’s hips bucked up into herstantalizingly. Beca had to freeze for a moment, releasing Chloe’s breast fromher mouth while she struggled to control herself.

She wantedChloe.

With ashaky breath, Beca reached down further to cup Chloe’s crotch like Chloe hadfor her. Chloe moaned and pressed herself into Beca’s hand; even through thecotton material, Beca could feelChloe, and knowing that it was all for her sent tremors through her body.

“Please –ah – I need –” Chloe writhed beneath her, hands digging impatiently into Beca’sback, tugging her hips down.

Becaunderstood completely.

Sheremoved her hand and dropped her mouth back down to Chloe’s chest, kissing andlicking and sucking before continuing the journey south. Chloe’s hips tilted upinto her chest, so Beca didn’t waste much time; she pressed only a few kissesto Chloe’s stomach, dipping her tongue into her navel with a teasing grinbefore moving to crawl backward until she was half on the bed, half off, hershoulders settled firmly between Chloe’s legs.

“Pillow?”she asked, glancing up.

“What? God,Bec, yes,” Chloe hissed, flinging one down for Beca to prop under Chloe’s hips,lifting her.

Beca couldfeel the heat radiating from Chloe against her face, Chloe’s panties doingnothing to hide how much she wanted this. Beca pressed her lips high on Chloe’sinner thigh, her tongue tracing over wetness that had streaked down to makeChloe gasp and jerk. It was everything, and her fingers dug into Chloe’sthighs. She ran her nose along the same path, feeling Chloe squirm above her.

Sheglanced up, catching sight of Chloe watching her, looking pained, one handtangled in her own hair while the other fisted the sheets.

With that,Beca’s restraint snapped and she reached for the panties, yanking them down andtwisting out of the way so she could take them completely off. She dropped themon the floor and half-collapsed back to her stomach between Chloe’s legs.

She barelysettled before a hand appeared in her hair and Chloe parted her legs evenfurther. On a whim, Beca reached to hook her arms under Chloe’s thighs, restingher hands on Chloe’s hips to hold her in place.

“Bec,fuck,” Chloe breathed, her eyes squeezing shut again and hips starting to rock,already setting a rhythm.

That’swhat pushed Beca over the edge; hearing Chloe swear like that. She’d beenplanning on teasing more, but Beca knew she didn’t need it.

“Tu es si belle,” Beca murmured, “J'ai hâte de te goûter.”

Strangethat something as vulgar as “I can’t wait to taste you,” should sound so goodin French.

Chloe’seyes flew wide at the French and her back arched off the bed and Beca could see the effect it those few simple wordshad had on her. With a desperate groan, the last of Beca’s self-controlunraveled and she leaned in and pressed her tongue against Chloe to swipe upthrough her length.

It madeChloe cry out and Beca’s hips ground down into the mattress on instinct,finding little relief. She kept going, licking broad paths through folds; Chloewas soaked, and it was the best moment of Beca’s life. Breathing became aproblem, but she didn’t care, just kept licking and sucking on soft skin,reveling in the noises Chloe made. She looked up, watching Chloe’s reaction asshe swirled her tongue around, noticing how a flick there made Chloe’s eyesflutter and a broad press here made her mouth drop open.

“Bec – I –oh my god,” Chloe panted, writhing and bucking against Beca’s mouth, obviouslytrying to encourage some kind of rhythm.

Becawaited, licking and sucking, humming occasionally to press vibrations from herthroat into Chloe’s center, purposely avoiding a specific bud of nerves. She alternatedbetween licking broad strokes and flicking, occasionally prodding with her noseto draw deep groans from Chloe.

It wasn’tuntil the hand in Beca’s hair started to claw almost painfully and the heels onher back kicked into her that Beca attached her mouth fully to press her tongueinside.

Chloe’shead crashed back against the pillow and her hips rose into Beca’s face until sheused her grip to force them back down into the mattress.

“Fuck – that’s – yes – shit –” Chloe panted,the muscles in her stomach rippling and twitching. Her thighs started to closearound Beca’s head, and Beca had to tug to keep Chloe open.

She draggedher tongue along Chloe’s walls deliberately slowly, pressing hard, beforepulling out and pushing back in. It made her jaw cramp a little, but she keptgoing, her hips again pressing into the mattress desperately as if she’d nevergotten relief. She kept the steady rhythm, in out, in, out, until Chloe’s hipsjerked wildly and she lost her grip. Chloe set a frantic pace, fast thrustspunctuated with curse words Beca had never heard her say before.

She’dnever done this before but god she’dbetter get to do it again.

Freed fromBeca’s grip, Chloe’s thighs came up to close around her, holding her in placeso that they were rocking together. Beca reached a hand around, pressing herfingers to the swollen bundle of nerves begging for her attention. Chloe’sentire body jolted and she cried out, so Beca pressed harder, making firmlittle circles with her fingers even as she continued to push in and out withher tongue.

Suddenly,Chloe tensed, her center pulsing a little around Beca’s tongue. Beca movedfaster, focusing on the sensation she’d felt before in herself but never insomeone else, and especially never around her tongue. She pressed in closer,curling her tongue to rub inside and circling harder with her fingers, brushingand stroking, flicking the bud side to side.

“God– Bec – don’t stop, I’m so – shit –keep doing that – I’m going to –”

She kepther rhythm steady, fingers pressing and circling endlessly as Chloe’s backarched and her hips locked in place, teetering on the edge until, with onefinal nudge of Beca’s fingers, Chloe spasmed, pulsing around Beca’s tongue asshe came.

Beca lookedup to watch it happen, taking in Chloe’s furrowed brow, open mouth, and closedeyes, memorizing every detail as she pulled her tongue back and moved herfingers gently, easing Chloe down. She finally relaxed with a deep groan, herbody sagging down into the mattress and her thighs falling open to send coolair to Beca’s face.

But Becadidn’t want to stop yet.

“Look atme,” Beca said, waiting until Chloe’s dazed blue eyes met hers. “I’ve beenwanting to do this for a while, too. Tues tout pour moi.”

And beforeChloe could even blink, Beca ran her tongue over her again, making her squeakand throw her head back. The second time she did it, she felt Chloe’s entirebody quake, and the third lick made Chloe’s hips lift with a groan.

Beca keptgoing, licking and pulling still-swollen skin into her mouth. Chloe’s handswove into her hair again, pulling her closer and closer as Beca worked, nudgingher tongue and nose against nerves, suckling and lapping until Chloe waswrithing and bucking under her again in a matter of minutes.

She tookanother broad lick through Chloe to latch her lips on the bundle to suck andChloe fell apart with a cry for a second time. Beca kept going, ready to takeher to a third (or fourth or fifth) when she felt Chloe push at her. She glancedup to see Chloe smiling weakly and shaking her head.

“Get uphere,” Chloe sighed, her face and chest still flushed and so, so sexy.

Reluctantly,Beca pressed one last kiss to Chloe’s center – smiling at the way it made Chloeswear softly – before she lifted herself up from the mattress. She crawled overChloe’s body on her hands and knees to hover over her as she leaned down for akiss. Chloe responded eagerly, her tongue flicking out to taste herself onBeca’s lips.

“Okay?”Beca asked somewhat sarcastically as she rolled off Chloe to lay beside her.

Immediately,Chloe cuddled into her, her face in Beca’s neck, an arm slung over her waist,and one leg thrown over her hip.

“More thanokay,” Chloe breathed. “Can we do that again sometime?”

Beca laughedand said, “I think I’ll die if we don’t.”

Chloehummed in agreement, then asked softly, “When did you learn French?”

Becacouldn’t stop the smug grin she felt growing on her face. “Let’s just say itwas a relatively recent development.”

She feltChloe shudder against her, pressing closer to melt even further into Beca’sbody.

“I likeit. And remind me to send your former wedding planner a fruit basket,” she murmuredsleepily.

Becatrailed her fingertips along Chloe’s back, smiling into the darkness of theapartment.

“I mightsend her one myself.”

#bechloe #bechloe lap dance #my writing #bechloe smut #dialogue prompt #beca x chloe #starts jeca ends bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #Anonymous #pitch perfect #bechloe fic

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foxfeaturewriting · 4 years

Text

Prevention In Vein

Being Gay and Navigating Fear, Stigma, and Tele-medicine

I could feel my blood pumping through my jugular.

I received a call from BioLife Plasma Services regarding discrepancies in my blood tests from a recent donation session in March, 2018. I was to meet with a nurse at the location at my soonest convenience. My friend consoled me, reminding me that simple, nonlife-threatening conditions, like iron deficiency, are common reasons people receive such a phone call.

As a junior in college, I lost my job and needed easy cash. Plasma services like BioLife frequently bombard college students with “$500 a month” flyers for their time while providing their plasma. By no surprise, donors undergo invasive screening and testing to qualify, ensuring donations are of healthy quality.

Donors are required to answer 20 questions each time they go to BioLife. Questions like: “Are you feeling healthy and well today?” Most would answer, “Yes!” Or, “Have you taken any medications on the medication list in the time frames indicated?” Typically, donors would answer, “No.”

Alongside questions about tattoos and piercings, the PPTA (Plasma Protein Therapeutics Association) requires to always ask: “In the past 12 months, have you had sexual contact with another male [for males]? Have you ever had sexual contact with another male [for males]? In the past 12 months, have you had sexual contact with a male who had sexual contact with another male, in the past 12 months [for females]?”

After a November, 2014 review of studies, the FDA relaxed its lifetime deferral for donations from MSM (men who have sex with men) to allow MSM a 12-month no-sexual contact grace period. However, this question is easily dismissed with a simple checkmark in the ‘no’ column of the questionnaire screen. At the time, $50 per donation was worth a lie through my fingertips.

After receiving the phone call about my labs, only three letters could sprint across my mind before meeting with the nurse at BioLife – HIV.

The questionnaire from the Source Plasma Industry is in place to prevent HIV transmissions through services like BioLife. Frustration inside me grew. Though I was forced to conceal my identity as a gay man, the questionnaire posed redundancy. My blood was being tested anyway.

My lab results returned from BioLife positive for syphilis. According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), syphilis is a sexually transmitted disease that is easy to treat, but is capable of creating very serious complications in its later stages. I could feel my shoulders drop in relief – I was not given a life sentence.

Subsequently, I earned a phone call from the Black Hawk County Health Department for treatment. I was introduced to the quarters of the health department in Waterloo, IA, located on Independence Ave. on Waterloo’s east side. The Pinecrest Building, home to the local Department of Human Services and Veteran’s Affairs offices, is by no means ‘state of the art.’

Testing was performed for all STI’s with blood being drawn, a prick to my finger, and cotton swabs everywhere. I was told my HIV/syphilis result would take a mere 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes to wait for an HIV test – in what seemed like an attic, with the room’s sloped, low ceiling and obnoxiously dripping pipe. I counted every second the clock in the room ticked.

They confirmed the diagnosis - just syphilis. The treatment was simple, but painful; two simultaneously injected doses of penicillin to the waist. During and afterwards, it felt like I had been struck by trucks on both my left and right sides. I was handed a bottle of water from the nurse, Claudia, and asked to sit-down. She asked me follow-up questions about the symptoms I may had experienced.

I was able to recall a full-body rash I had three months prior to my diagnosis. At the time, I assumed my roommate’s cat was the culprit – that I was allergic to Jazmin, the feline in my home. I had made a visit to convenient care in December, four months before my diagnosis, suggesting to the physician that I was allergic to the cat. The doctor had given me steroids, assuming it was a reaction from my immune system.

The rash had cleared after consuming the medication, but for obvious reasons. My immune system was reacting, but no STI test was performed to discover the cause. In its second stage, the CDC describes syphilis as a skin rash, as well as swollen lymph nodes and possibly a fever.

Primary syphilis consists of a sore, or a chancre, or a sore located on the genitals. According to the CDC, syphilis is transmitted from partner to partner from this sore. What was troubling for me – I was unable to recall any chancre or sore, on my own body or the body of one of my partners. What was more troubling was discovering the source of my syphilis – I was unable to.

Claudia asked me to contact partners or hand over contact information of partners I’ve had since my last STI (Sexually Transmitted Infection) test or when I first recalled symptoms. I contacted my partners whom I felt morally obligated to notify myself and gave her the information of the few partners I was uncomfortable with contacting.

I use condoms frequently and keep track of who I am sleeping with, but no one was able to tell me that they had also contracted the infection. Three letters, again, dashed through my mind - what if this was HIV?

In the U.S., possibly 1.1 million people are living with HIV, according to HIV.gov by the NIH (National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases). Nearly 15% of that figure includes those who are unaware of their status. Young people, ages 13-24, are most likely to be unaware of their HIV status. According to the report, approximately 51% of the group infected remains undiagnosed.

The NIH has on record that over 15,000 died in 2016 with an HIV diagnosis. “Ending the HIV Epidemic: A Plan for America,” was announced by President Donald Trump in his February, 2019 State of the Union address, noting the $20 billion annual health expenditures the U.S. allocates for HIV prevention and treatment.

In the media, HIV has casted a crucial role in critically-acclaimed TV shows like Michael Crichton’s “ER” which aired on NBC for 15 seasons, or Shonda Rhymes’ “How to Get Away With Murder” which is running its 6th season on ABC. Jonathan Van Ness, starring in reality TV’s “Queer Eye,” revealed in his New York Times book preview his saddening past facing drugs and sexual abuse, and his life now living HIV positive.

As the HIV epidemic continually lifts from the ashes of stigma, several federal campaigns preach prevention. One resource by the CDC is the “#DoingIt” campaign, which claims that HIV testing should be part of an adult’s regular health routine. Its website provides a search option for HIV testing, HIV treatment, prevention medication, and other transformational information for prevention.

The Black Hawk County Health department shared with me Iowa’s statewide initiative for HIV prevention: TelePrEP. Like several other states, Iowa has created a specialty clinic to engage with populations most at risk for HIV infection.

The CDC has provided funding to the University of Iowa and the Iowa Department of Public Health to increase technology and infrastructure for HIV prevention with a $2 million grant in 2018. TelePrEP describes itself as “an in-home (or wherever you want to be) telemedical delivery model for PrEP.”

TelePrEP connected me with Dr. Kim Spalding, a pharmacist from Coralville, IA with the University of Iowa.

“PrEP is a once a day pill. People using PrEP aim for a level of Truvada in their blood that grants 95%-98% protection from the HIV virus,” she explained.

The CDC clarifies that Truvada is a combination of two medicines, tenofovir and emtricitabine, drugs also used as antiretrovirals for HIV treatment. It is imperative patients seek testing prior to taking PrEP.

“We need to be sure that there is no [HIV] viral load before you get on PrEP, because there’s possibility that the virus could build an immunity to the same drugs in PrEP that are used for treatment,” Dr. Spalding said.

Dr. Spalding recorded my health information including my lifestyle, sexual history, drug/alcohol use, etc. PrEP has a history of causing bone and kidney complications, and Spalding explained how a creatinine test would examine the functionality of kidneys. It was like a routine check up with a doctor, except I was sitting in my living room, talking to Dr. Spalding via a live-video streaming app, VidyoMobile.

Months prior to my check-up with Dr. Spalding, a PrEP Navigator with TelePrEP, Seth Owens, was answering my questions over the phone. Together, we decided HIV prevention through PrEP was right for me.

Seth informed me that TelePrEP tries to make PrEP as accessible as possible to rural Iowa. The advancement of telemedicine has brought relief to patients who, otherwise, would have to commute to see a pharmacist like Dr. Spalding.

“We try to be as creative as we can, but every case is different,” he said.

“The big thing [is] the labs. You have to have your blood drawn regularly on PrEP and the time window to interpret the results is pretty tight,” he continued, “For people who live somewhere that doesn’t have a lab in it, that can be a huge obstacle.”

Patients on PrEP are scheduled for annual STI/HIV testing every three months, with new creatinine tests every six. Public health departments across the state provide these tests for TelePrEP and its patients.

“Stigma, too,” Owens said, “And then it’s like, if you already have fewer resources, if any of the human beings at that resource suck, then what do you do, you know?”

Campaigns like “RU Clean? Dealing With HIV Stigma” by EndingHIV 2020 target stereotyping on dating and hook-up apps – indicating that HIV is not “dirty.” The campaign claims that stigma surrounding the virus cripples prevention.

With the FDA’s deferral of MSM from donating blood, the stain HIV marks on the LGBTQ community only shrinks the 37% of the U.S. population eligible to donate, according to GivingBlood.org.

With infrastructure like telemedicine in place, HIV prevention has never been easier. TelePrEP delivers medicine to its patients’ doorsteps. Though tens of millions globally have died from the HIV/AIDS infection, advocates for awareness and prevention are determined to end the epidemic.

#story

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