#and I'm using healthy coping mechanisms as much as I can | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 1 year

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there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

#this is objectively bad advice #don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this #but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries #.... it IS fun #i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him.#bc i used to get SO fucking upset #i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it #and now i just LITERALLY do not engage #instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation #i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection #they like the rush they get from arguing #but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me #so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru #NORMAL CONVERSATION #he doesn't get it yet #i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?''#'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''

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raythekiller · 11 months

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🗒 ❛ Calling You Out Based On Your Favorite Creep ༉‧₊˚✧

Featuring: Jeff The Killer, Ben Drowned, Ticci Toby, Eyeless Jack, Laughing Jack, Masky

#Notes: requests open!

˗ˏˋ back to navigation ´ˎ˗

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Jeff The Killer

He was definitely your childhood crush. You probably used to grab some random kitchen knife and pretend you were some serial killer psychopath at age like, 12 (<- self callout). Did anyone say trouble maker? Being a manace doesn't make you quirky. If you're afab, you probably went through a "I'm not like other girls" phase (if you did, happy pride month, you filthy transexual). Also, good luck with the anger issues.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ben Drowned

Smoking weed isn't gonna solve your problems. Neither is spending three days straight without sleeping or skipping your medicine. You don't have to be necessarily a gamer, but you're definitely a nerd of some kind. You had a "weird kid" childhood (fnaf, creepypastas, batim, nightcore and Melanie Martinez songs, etc). Also, you're a pushover.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ticci Toby

How are the parental issues treating you? How about the borderline personality disorder? You've probably been called "immature" before quite a few times. Did people ever complain about you being "too loud" when you were excited and now you barely talk at all? Yeah, good luck with the undiagnosed ADHD.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Eyeless Jack

I know you've been hurt in the past, but that doesn't mean you can just isolate yourself from the planet. People aren't all bad. Having more books than friends isn't something to be proud of. Clinging to that one friend you have like your life depends on it isn't a healthy coping mechanism.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Laughing Jack

I'm sorry you had to grow up too fast and act like an adult while you were a kid and now you're regressing as an adult. Plushies aren't a good replacement for therapy. The abandonment issues are from your parents, aren't they? You either love or hate kids, no in-between.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Masky

Damn, those are some SERIOUS daddy issues you got there. And is that a degradation kink I see? This man is not a good replacement for your lack of a father figure, I'll tell you this much. And no, having crushes in men three times your age isn't healthy, either.

#creepypasta #creepypasta headcanons #masky #laughing jack #ticci toby #jeff the killer #ben drowned #eyeless jack #ray.writes

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astroariska · 1 year

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ASTROLOGY OBSERVATION [Chapter 5] ✨ - The South Node Version

Libra South Node = The urges to seek justice in this world forever.

Also i always see how Libra South Node move from one pain to another pain. They keep picking the decision that require them to hurt themselves.

Leo South Node need to burst their own bubble. They tend to live with all the privileges but doesn't realize what does their privilege means. I need to say that they have no play time in this world because they used to play so much in their past life. Remember, privilege = power.

I swear the Leo South Node is the most problematic south node ever. Because often, Leo South Node people has tendency to BLOCK other people's growth and development for the sake of themselves.

Also, the amount of too-kind parents that have Leo South Node people like, Leo South Node people will act crazy and their parents always "giving them the second chance because we are family".

Gemini South Node. Please. No matter how desperate are you, DON'T. BROKE. THE. RULES. You can outsmart it but you can't broke it. Law (Sagittarius) will beat your ass down if you misbehaving.

Gemini South Node and thinking "There's nothing i could think of this anymore" and running around from things they need to face.

Cancer South Node and the tendency to keep yourself in the shell. Remember, the more you put your shell on, the more universe break it until it hurt you.

Also the crab mentality of Cancer South Node is unbeatable. It's "If i can't get it NOBODY CAN"

Taurus South Node has the tendency to work around the love they try to earn. How about realizing that it's not what you earn and more about what you get?

Whenever Taurus South Node people thinks they need money, it's somehow always "I need more money to be STACKED" not "I need because i have none."

Taurus South Node and the urge to keep budgeting shit to the pennies. They are like, "No, i have money but not for drinking. This is the food money, this is the laundry money, this is for the coccaine, skincare, etc" like DANG WHY YOU ARE SO PARALYZED BABE?

Aquarius South Node experience a time when they are burdened by the responsibility and the duty. Many people claims that Aquarius south node are detached and cold. But it just their coping mechanism so they could keep going and not breaking down 😭

Aquarius South Node people and being the forever kid in their adult. They gonna be like "Okay, i'm adult now so i will BUY ANYTHING that i want in my childhood and i would do EVERYTHING that i want to do as a child."

Capricorn South Node HATES working hard. THEY HATE IT. Stop assuming they love what they did. THEY DON'T. THEY FEEL TORTURED. THEY ARE SO TIRED ALL THE TIME.

Also, i had no idea why Capricorn South Node ladies are always the alpha one in relationship??? They'd be all damn intimidating and would let the people take the control of relationship.

Pisces South Node, why did y'all love to be a troublemaker? I mean. Sometimes i found this placement feel like they creating a problem when they are bored or lonely.

Pisces South Node also have several addiction that prevent them to grow up as healthy person. This has to do with longing things that too good to be true.

Aries south node and the urge to fight all the people that wronged you in the past 😭

Aries south node and the rushed feeling that boils the blood. They feel their own bloodrush when they got angry so they need to be careful to pick the food for the sake of their own health.

It's the Sagittarius South Node that have the "I am BETTER than thou" behaviour.

Sagittarius South Node need to understand that diversity and the dynamics of community. What you think of truth doesn't work as truth to other people because social conditioning, privilege and poverty.

Scorpio South Node and the "It's all or nothing" mentality. How about acceptance for the sake of your dignity?

Also, i had no idea why Scorpio South Node people are SO CUTE and adorable? Like ... They are so LOVABLE.

Virgo south node and the family pressure of having WORK.

"I am the unpaid maid of my family" and proceeds to poison the whole house is a typical Virgo South Node villain story jk.

#south node #astrology #astrology observation #astrology note #astro notes #astro note #aries south node #taurus south node #gemini south node #cancer south node #leo south node #virgo south node #libra south node #scorpio south node #sagittarius south node #capricorn south node #aquarius south node #pisces south node

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proudproship · 6 months

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Not so friendly reminder that creating "dark" or "taboo" fiction can be a sign of childhood trauma!

More below the cut. Warning: long post.

TW: Mentions of trauma, child abuse, and paraphilias

Hi. I'm someone who studies psychology and sociology, and someone who also happens to have an interest in this shipping discourse stuff.

So, back to what I said a few paragraphs ago: Creating "dark" or "taboo" fictional content can be a sign of childhood trauma.

How?

When a child goes through something they consider traumatic, their brain will play the situation on repeat subconsciously, which can cause hypervigilance and symptoms of PTSD.

A common sign of PTSD in young children is that they will reenact their trauma with things like dolls, drawings, figures, and basically any other thing they can use to express their thoughts.

For example, a child who has gone through physical abuse may reenact similar things with their toys, such as making their dolls hit or yell at each other.

This symptom isn't limited to children, though. It is a symptom closely related to the presence of flashbacks and nightmares.

Many artists will create a "self-insert" character, "sona," or a character who is otherwise much like it's creator; when an artist creates a character like this and also has past trauma, their symptoms may reflect onto their character.

Projecting yourself onto characters can happen with other characters as well, even if you didn't make the character.

This is a healthy symptom. It shows that the brain is willing to become stronger from their trauma.

Reenacting trauma in ways that aren't harmful can help the brain process what happened to them, and can even help them deal with their trauma directly.

In order to heal trauma, you must know what your trauma is; you can't heal a wound you don't know you have.

While dark fiction creators are indulging in positive healing mechanisms, certain people will shun them for doing so.

"Antishippers" claim to be the "heroes" and to support healing, even though the thing that makes someone be considered and antishipper is if they're "anti healing through fiction."

Antishippers will throw the same ableist rhetorics around by claiming "if you ship adult x child you're a pedophile!" or "if you have age gap ships (even if both are consenting adults) you're a pedophile!"

This, not only is it hurting trauma survivors (especially those who have been harmed by those with paraphilic disorders), it is hurting EVERY disabled person.

Armchair diagnosis is not something anyone should do.

It is when there is little to no evidence that the condition exists within a person, though people still throw labels onto them to make them seem like they're a "bad guy." (Usually.)

This is also hurting people with actual paraphilias. Paraphilic disorder is real condition characterized by intrusive thoughts of a (usually abnormal or harmful-if-acted-on) sexual nature.

Even if someone claims to not be ableist but still demonizes and villainizes paraphilias, they're ableist.

Ableism is ableism.

And before an anti decides to call me a "pedo-apologist," go right ahead! You don't know what you're saying anyways.

There is a difference between a criminal and a disabled person.

Proship people do not support abuse. Anyone who claims to be proship but still supports abuse is NOT proship.

---

Of course anyone who makes dark content doesn't have to have past trauma.

There are many people who make dark content that don't have what they'd consider trauma, or think their trauma is unrelated to the content they create.

What if they did experience something traumatic in the future?

They'd be able to cope with it better, because they'd seen it in fiction before, so they'd know the impact of it, and how they could handle it.

Of course, not everyone who indulges in fiction will be able to handle it, though.

However, no matter if they have past trauma or not, assume the best when it comes to content creators.

They're creative and strong, and we should be thankful that they're adding onto fandom culture by just existing and doing what they love.

All people, no matter what fictional content they create, are beautiful in their own way and should be met with kindness and compassion.

Do not go out of your way to harass/abuse innocent people.

Do not go out of your way to be ableist towards content creators and content consumers.

---

Thank you for reading my long post, I hope it helped at least a bit.

Have a great day/night and stay safe, no matter your taste in fiction.

Feedback is appreciated, and reblogs are encouraged.

#tw trauma #tw abuse #tw paraphilia #proship #proship please interact #profic #anti anti #comship #proship safe #childhood trauma #para safe #reblog please

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aew-kun-age-regression · 3 months

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"Masks can hide a lot.."

Pairing: Caregiver!Captain John Price + Little!Simon 'Ghost' Riley.

Summary: Price comes up with a creative idea to help support Simon..

Warnings: Not accepting regression, bit angsty, mentioned little!Soap and Gaz, Nicknames (Bud, Buddy, Si)

A/N - An idea due to one of @little-babybell posts!!! <333 I'd like to add that I'm quite tired atm and I'm in quite a bit of pain so this might not be the best but it was fun to write and a good distraction!!!

‼️THIS IS NOT NSFW‼️

NOT Proofread

Simon was still getting used to accepting his regression. Now the team were incredible when it came to showing support, even if that was just in the form of also regressing and being protective over Simon as they regressed older, showing him that it was okay to do so. However he just wasn't comfortable.. it didn't matter happen times he was told that "it's okay" he couldn't, wouldn't believe it.

It had been a particularly rough mission. Both Gaz and Soap were surprisingly not regressed however both men had decided that after the drawling mission that they definitely wanted a shower and to go to bed. Ghost wasn't exactly in that situation though. God how much did he want to though. He was sat in his room, gear still on. He rocked back and forward on his bed, dirt and grime crumbling onto the once clean sheets.

Price always checked on the boys after missions. And so after checking on both Kyle and Johnny he knocked gently at Simon's door.

"Ghost? You alright in there?"

A quiet and muffled sob could be heard from behind the door. That was all Price needed to step into his room, quickly closing the door, Simon wouldn't want anyone to see him in this state. Price slowly crouched in front of the crying boy.

"Simon.. buddy.." He paused with a small sigh before speaking again. "Can we get you out this vest..? You don't want all this icky uniform on right now do you?"

Simon nods slowly, lifting his arms in a way to signal that he wanted help. Price chuckled a little before helping him. By the time Simon was dressed into a hoodie (of Soaps) and some joggers he had calmed down a little.

"Do you wanna watch a movie in the living room bud?" Price could deal with the dirty sheets at a different time, right now his priority was keeping Simon calm. The taskforce had a designated living room area so Price was confident that noone other than taskforce members would be able to access the room.

Simon nods and after a bit of coaxing and the two ended up on the sofa.

Simon ended up choosing to watch The Good Dinosaur. As the colourful movie played on the screen Price reached into his pocket and pulled out a plain black pacifier offering it to the small boy. Simon whined, his eyes said he wanted nothing more than to use the Paci but he also couldn't bring himself to use it, he couldn't bring himself to be that vulnerable. Even despite trusting Price with his life.

"Hey Si.. I have an idea.." and so Price proposes the idea of using the pacifier but behind his mask, almost as though using it as a safety blanket. After a moment of thinking about it Simon nodded and slowly took the pacifier from Price's hands, placing it in his mouth and adjusting his mask to make sure it was fully hidden. He ended up nodding off about half way into the film, Pacifier resting in his mouth discreetly.

It was a small step forward in getting Simon to accepting his regression for what it was, a healthy coping mechanism that helped him greatly...

#agere blog #sfw agere #sfw littlespace #sfw little post #little space #agere little #aewlittlerambles #sfw little community #aewlittlestories #cod agere #call of duty agere #caregiver!captain price #caregiver!john price #regressor!simon riley #little!simon riley #regressor!ghost #little!ghost

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mental-illness-bingo · 1 year

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Struggling with transitions isn't always externalized in the form of a meltdown. Here are some examples of things (from an autistic former early childhood teacher) that also count as struggling with transitions.

Note: I'm including things to do with adult transitions and childhood transitions here. Examples and explanations are given in italics.

Trying to politely decline to transition - sometimes, this may include lying about your wants/needs or not even realizing you want or need something because your brain isn't processing that information during the stress of a transition; "Becca, it's time for snack." "No thank you, I'm not hungry."

Undetectable self-harm behaviors - digging nails into palm, "itching" when you aren't itchy, internally degrading yourself, biting cheek or tongue, holding breath until you can't anymore. Self-harm during transitions is a common and valid struggle, even if you didn't try to use it as leverage to avoid the transition.

Undetectable stimming to regulate (very healthy!) - especially with objects that have a similar texture to one from the previous area or material

Slow or stuttered transitions - Starting to move on, but repeatedly having "just one more thing (you) forgot" or physically walking away slower possibly while staring at the previous area or material

Verbal shutdown (total or partial) during or immediately after transitions - this could be part of a more overall shutdown or exist on it's own

Fixating on the previous task/area/material - may show by excessively talking about the previous task long after others have moved on for example trying to tell everyone about your cool lego building or even showing them pictures of it (taking pictures is good coping mechanism for moving on from a toy) long after everyone stopped playing with or talking about legos, or if you were moving from legos to drawing, wanting to draw a picture of legos

Keeping materials from the previous task - if you were playing with legos, but have to clean up, you might keep some to build with or even a single lego on your person somewhere as a comfort. In larger/life transitions, you may refuse to get rid of something long past when it is socially acceptable (such as an ex's shirt) or taking something "strange" such as a piece of trim or a scrap of wallpaper from a previous house.

Brain fog, fatigue, disorientation, and/or dissociation during and/or immediately after a transition

Internal emotional distress during/immediately after transitions - due to autistic issues with emotional regulation, these emotions may last the rest of the day if not supported because of bottling up the emotions

Executive dysfunction post-transition - especially if you don't usually struggle with it or weren't before the transition

When going to bed, insomnia is an extremely common presentation of struggling with transitions

Feel free to add on! Preferably in the text of the reblog rather than in tags so I can reblog this with your additions, but either works!

I also want to specify that not all of these are harmful or negative responses to transitions. If you do these things and they help you without hurting anyone, that's fine! This is just to help give you the language to get help as needed because it's much easier to get help if you say "I struggle with transitions because of my autism" than "I'm struggling right now but I'm not sure why".

#actually autistic #autism #autistic #autism diagnosis #autism spectrum disorder #autistic spectrum #autistic culture #being autistic #autistic experiences #autistic things #autistic adult #autistic struggles #autistic traits #autistic shutdown #mibingo

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coeluvr · 7 months

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Frequently Asked Questions

Hello! There have been a lot of repeated asks and I wanted to answer them once and for all so I don't clog the dashboard with the same thing over and over. :)

What is the purpose of MC being a child in the beginning?

I wanted MC to be at their most vulnerable place possible so MC is a child in the beginning. In Chapter 2 there is a timeskip to when they are 15 and then in Chapter 3 they become 20.

Does MC have to become the Royal Consort?

Yes.

How many books will there be?

I'm planning on this being a duology!

Will we be able to choose X, Y, and Z?

Regarding the MC, you will be able to choose the following:

Appearance except for their eyes which are red by default. *

Pronouns

Gender identity

Type of compliments they prefer

Type of clothing they wear

Tattoos / Scars

Coping mechanisms **

Personality and Public Image

The things that are set are:

MC's age

MC's eye color *

Due to the events of the story, your MC will want revenge at the beginning of the story no matter what. ***

* Why are MC's eyes red by default?

Each of the royal families has a signature eye color, MC's family's eye color is red. Eye color is extremely important in this story.

** What kind of coping mechanisms are there?

Here is a list of the current unhealthy coping mechanisms:

Substance Abuse, mainly alcohol.

Sleeping too much

Not Sleeping at all

Overworking

Taking Unnecessary Risks

Excessive amounts of Sexual Acts

Self Care being nonexistent

Excessive Spending

Here is a list of hobbies that are considered a coping mechanism if your MC does not have an unhealthy coping mechanism:

Dancing

Singing

Playing instruments

Cooking / Baking

Hunting

Forging weapons

Gardening

Painting

Writing

Reading

How many can I choose?

You can choose:

2 hobbies = 2 healthy coping mechanisms, mostly treated as hobbies

1 hobby + 1 unhealthy coping mechanism

1 hobby + 2 unhealthy coping mechanisms

Is this mandatory?

Your MC must have a hobby but they do not have to have an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Which unhealthy coping mechanism is the worst for each RO's route?

I'm not a fan of spoilers and I think it will be much more interesting to see for yourself later on.

*** Why is MC set on revenge in the beginning of the story?

MC lost their entire life at the hands of Luceris and then got forced into the role of the Royal Consort. It wouldn't make sense, to me (the author), if young MC didn't want any sort of retribution.

Can MC decide not to pursue revenge once they are older?

Yes.

Just to make sure, there is a path of revenge in this IF, right?

Please read the intro post and what I wrote above.

Quick answer: Yes.

So MC can kill Luceris as revenge?

Yes. This is the only possible death I will confirm so please do not ask me about the other characters.

Can MC do X, Y, and Z as a form of revenge?

Why don't you play and find out?

At least tell us if MC can romance Helios for revenge.

Yes, that will be possible.

If MC does that, can they also genuinely romance someone else?

No. The ROs are all on friendly-ish terms with each other and would not have that type of relationship with MC if they were playing around with Helios.

Remember, the routes WILL lock at some point, until then everyone is free game.

MC will be able to have flings / one-night stands in any route though.

Who can we have a fling with?

The following list will be updated as characters are introduced:

Lord Eadred / Lady Eadith

The others have not been introduced yet!

Is romance mandatory?

No.

Does MC have to engage in [insert immoral things]?

No.

Isn't MC being the Consort of a grown man weird?

Yes, it is. People in the story do not think it is normal or acceptable.

It is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable.

For some reason a Luceris x MC romance sounds good...

Absolutely not. If you send me an ask with this type of content you will be blocked.

Is NSFW allowed?

Yes.

Can I call Hunter [insert gendered term]?

Sure but I will not answer asks in which they aren't referred as they/them. I don't want people to think they are a specific gender in my head.

Why is Hunter's route so angsty?

Wait and see!

Does every route have angst?

Yes. Even the ones that are "easy" :)

When's the next update coming?

When it's ready!

Wait... Did I miss an update?

Please check the game's itch.io page and take a look at the posts. I will always post something to let everyone know about updates or other extra content.

You should add the game to your collection to receive notifications of posts.

When does MC become an adult in the main story?

As I mentioned before, MC is 20 in Chapter 3.

Can you add [customizable thing]?

You can suggest it but I can't promise anything.

Can we draw the characters and imagine them differently?

Yes, you can draw them.

Yes, you can imagine differently as long as it does not whitewash any characters. I don't want to see fair white pale skin Luceris/Helios/Fadiya/Hunter.

Yes, I've seen it before and hated it.

Can we write fanfiction?

Yes! I won't interact with it to protect myself so please don't send it to me.

Can we create other types of fanworks?

Yes!

You don't answer my questions.

Sorry! For a better understanding of what I answer and what I do not answer see my ask guidelines.

How would the ROs react to X, Y, and Z?

I'm guessing you didn't read my ask guidelines.

All the asks are very appreciated, but I'm afraid you will be disappointed if you send me these because I won't answer.

[Any theory]

I love reading them so keep them coming but I will no longer post them!

If you wish for others to see it and discuss it with you, I suggest joining the Official Discord Server.

This whole thing is problematic to me.

Great, this is supposed to have problematic elements and none of the characters are saints.

Why can't we choose [insert thing + complaining]?

Please write fanfiction or something else and do not come to me to complain.

Are Luceris and Lancelot just friends?

Stick around and find out.

Luceris or Lancelot romance route when?

They were adults when MC was a child. I would rather die than write that.

Luceris is a loser pedo!

He is a loser but not the latter. He doesn't find any children attractive. Hope that clears things up! :)

Well then... you're the pedo!

Please look up what that word means and stop throwing it around.

I don't like this.

Don't read it. :)

Can I give you [insert gift]?

It makes me extremely uncomfortable so I would prefer it if people didn't gift me things. If you wish to support me please do it through Ko-Fi, Patreon, or Itch.io donations.

[Any rude comment]

I don't care.

[Any praise or jokes]

I might not reply but I read all of them! Thank you for being here. 💗

That's all I can think of right now. This will be updated as I remember more.

Don't hesitate to send me asks that weren't answered here!

#faq #interactive fiction #crown of ashes and flames #last updated:#sept 29

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bougiebutchbitch · 2 months

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This is definitely hand me down info, and I can't be bother to check cause I'm not on Twitter. But apparently there was some discussion of a scene being cut that, according to Con, was removed because it made Ed 'irredeemable'. Season 2 already went some really dark places, so I'm wondering what your thoughts on it are?

I'm also asking you because the comments were full of people who would have loved to see it. Because to them, Ed is totally fine no matter how reprehensible and abusive his behaviour gets. And I just. You're one of the few non-brainrotted people here sometimes I like to get in touch with reality

I am...... so very intrigued and would love to see it. But I'm also very glad they did decide to cut it.

As much as I love Ed as he is in canon (i.e., dark, flawed, genuinely trying (sometimes), but selfish and occasionally cruel, with untreated severe childhood trauma and related mental health problems, and 0 healthy coping mechanisms to his name) I loathe with a vengeance every person who uses him as a platform to parrot their age-old victim-blaming bullshit of 'um, if you had a Sad Backstory you can abuse and torture people as much as you like! And you 'deserve' abuse if you are in any way an imperfect person. Yes, I believe this is a totally normal and correct stance to have about real life as well as fiction'

So as much as I would love Ed no matter what he did, because I think he's a multifaceted and fascinating character, the mere thought of the bullshit his die-hard stans would be spouting already makes me nauseous lmao

I am once again reminding people that it is totally okay to like characters who do bad 'irredeemable' things. No, you don't have to write essays justifying your love of that character. In fact, you don't need to justify shit to anyone.

Just....... maybe....... don't die on the hill of pretending abuse is okay if you don't like the victim/the victim said a mean thing once. It's that simple.

#ofmd #our flag means death #ofmd s2 #our flag means death s2 #renew as a crew #not tagging characters because :)

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doiefy · 5 months

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nct 127 as cursed college profs

very partially based on stupid shit i've had the pleasure and misfortune of seeing in my own classes. happy finals season girlies </3 i rise from my casket of inactivity to bring you the shit post i wrote on the subway on the way to an exam. whose class do you think you'd survive?

cw: cynical college humour because i'm coping, adult humour

taeil: not even that old, but barely knows how to use technology. spends the first 15 minutes of lectures trying to figure out zoom, then the rest of the time poorly explaining quantum mechanics from a textbook written 20 years ago. trips down the stairs two days into the semester and goes on medical leave, only to be spotted on vacation a week later. no one even gives him shit for it.

johnny: originally the cool, chill prof who occasionally went out for drinks with his classes, until he realized he was cool and tried to get even more hip with the kids. now he uses bad memes in his slides and films tiktoks in his lab. the number of students who ask to get drinks with him significantly boosts his ego, but no one tells him they’re doing it just to cross “drinking with a prof” off the frosh bingo card.

taeyong: the sweetest, loveliest, kindest soul you will ever meet—except he’s only taught twice in his life, just got put in as a replacement for a prof who tripped down the stairs, and gives you the most god-awful final exam known to man. he’s also stressed out (on your behalf) at any given moment, to the point where he just passes everyone with an 80 and calls it a day.

yuta: the hip, fashionable prof who only serves looks and random commentaries on society in the middle of his lectures. undergrads fight to the death to join his research group, but the ones who make it eventually realize he spends most of his time partying with the department’s money. yet still, groundbreaking work comes out of his lab every year…

doyoung: retired from research a few years ago to teach full time, but not a single person knows why. he may offer the clearest, live-saving explanations in his lectures—but he constantly looks like he wants to go home and will decimate your entire existence with a single look if you ask anything about the syllabus two weeks into the semester.

jaehyun: the hot single prof. every single freshman girlie has a sickening, concerning, fanfic-esque crush on him. some go as far as nearly failing his class and then booking office hours with him before finals, only to find out that he’s been using Doyoung’s teaching material for years, without credit. he is very much horrendous at teaching on his own. and very much gay.

jungwoo: wanted to go into early childhood education, somehow got coerced into doing his masters, then his phd, then post doc, then— still fulfills his dreams by treating his students like kindergarteners. this includes gentle parenting of frat boys who won’t shut the fuck up during class, handing out healthy vegan treats, and encouraging “mindful moments” while you write the hardest exam he has ever administered.

mark: refuses to teach because he doesn’t think any of the kids will take him seriously, is forced to anyways by the department. as a prodigy so fucking removed from what it’s like to be stupid, he ends all his quantum lectures with “this is pretty straightforward,” and books it back to his lab on an electric skateboard. yes he built it himself. no he won't let you try and ride it.

haechan: shares an office with mark and spends most of his free time figuring out which organic compounds he can mix together to perfectly recreate the texture and smell of cum. if he doesn’t show up to class, it’s because he’s terrorizing pigeons on the street for science. shows gruesome videos of explosions and chemical fires for a chemical safety lecture. has had the fire alarm pulled on him at least twice.

#nct #nct 127 #nct texts #nct imagines #nct fanfic #nct scenarios #nct timestamps #nct blurbs #nct dream #taeil #johnny #taeyong #yuta #doyoung #jaehyun #jungwoo #mark #haechan #shitpost

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inkskinned · 2 years

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i sat next to him, dipping chips into the bowl of salsa, thinking about how i couldn't have enjoyed this 5 years ago. something strange: recently it's been about chaos theory for me.

a butterfly makes a tornado. the infinitely small becomes the chaotic whole. the universe bends towards entropy, and yet, chaos theory seems to argue - small motions make big changes.

chip goes into salsa. i eat a little bit. later, the chip is energy. later, the energy is movement. later, the movement is a memory. later, the memory shapes who i am.

i used to pretend i had already eaten. i used to be 30 minutes late so i could say eat without me. i used to say i didn't like chips or salsa. i'd chug my water and pray nobody noticed i was still nibbling the same chip i'd first picked up. i missed a lot of hangouts because i didn't want to grab lunch. i would eat by myself, curled up in the parking lot of a supermarket. hurried, anxious, embarrassed to be overcome.

5 years ago, i started saying yes to one more chip. 4 years ago, i could munch my way casually through a couple dozen. these days i am the one saying - can we have more chips when you get a second?

it didn't start with big changes. i thought it would have to - something was massively wrong with me, so i assumed recovery would take a natural disaster. the only way to fight fire was with an explosion. i would buy organizational journals, angrily clean my house for 10 hours straight, promise myself never again and know - i'd always slip backwards. i'm always going to be this way.

it wasn't big, though. 5 years ago i made a promise to stop it with the i'm going to kill myself jokes. for the sake of additional challenge, i also stopped saying i'm stupid. just two things.

i'm genuinely funnier these days. people laugh more with me. i find more things funny. when i mess up, it doesn't crush me. suicide no longer sits at the front of my brain. it is no longer the first option i picture. i forgive myself so easily. i no longer believe every mistake is emblematic of my personality. i have actually started to believe i am clever and smart - although i still want to add the prefix barely.

i still apologize too much. i still beat myself up. i still agonize over certain choices. i know i am not perfect. recovery is not linear.

but the joy in me is bigger. every time i choose to believe in it, every time i choose to make a little change towards hope - that joy in me grows.

when entropy rises up in my heart and i backslide and everything goes dark: the joy doesn't fully evaporate anymore. i slide just a little less. i bounce back just a little more. i go further this time. learn about myself. crawl up that slope with new skills in tow. i know what i'm doing these days; am getting good at finding handholds. i have started to learn how to catch myself while falling - instead of letting myself go.

a little change. ten years ago i googled depression self-help tips. little butterfly keystrokes. in the moment, nothing really happened.

ten years in the future: my life is full of love and healthy coping mechanisms. i have minimized a great deal of my symptoms. i spend a lot of my time laughing and creating and going out with friends. every time i hit a wall, i convince myself to get up, keep going, if it's hard just be harder, choose hope, choose just a little bit further -

i want to tell that version of myself, stranded in the desert: if you keep walking, all that sand will one day be water.

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fairycosmos · 3 months

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my ex girlfriend died a month ago. i've always found a lot of peace and recognition in what you've written about your grief but especially now, losing someone so young and who's bound to you in a different way than anyone else you've lost has been hits different and i get that now. she was 24. sending you lots of love and know that your presence on here has brightened my current darkness

i'm so so sorry to hear this. the one thought i consistently have about grief is that there are no adequate words to describe or comfort it, but still, i'm so sorry. i know exactly how unbearable it is, especially when it's still all so extremely raw and fresh. you just have no clue how you're going to get through it, and honestly you don't have to. focus on getting through minute by minute. this must be so awful for you and everyone who knew her - 24 is really no age at all. you're right, it's a very specific type of mourning. it's the hardest thing in the entire fucking world honestly. nothing really helps but if you can talk about it - whether it's with a friend, a grief counsellor, whoever - or write about it, then that sometimes enables you to process things a little more clearly. and with a smaller sense of loneliness. i sincerely hope you have good people around you who can help you through this, and that with time you're able to come up with small ways to honour her memory and keep her presence alive. at the moment i'm working on trying to find more ways to keep my sister around - like dedicating a plaque on a bench to her, and trying not to numb myself to the memories i have with her. which is hard, because it's so difficult to remember her. but i'm trying to keep her here and let her be felt everywhere, and i hope you find your version of that too. your ex was incredibly lucky to have been loved by you and you by her, and i'm glad you got to experience that, even if the inverse of that love is this. if you'd like to talk about her or discuss some of your favourite memories with her when you're ready, or even just talk about something entirely unrelated to the grief/her, please drop me a message any time. i'm glad me being open about my own grief has allowed you to find some sense of recognition and catharsis. i'm going to leave some resources for you to come back to as far as daily coping mechanisms go - they may be useful, they may not be, god knows they're certainly not a cure to the immensity of what you're going through - but they'll be there for you if you ever feel like you're truly at your wits end. sending so so much love back your way. i will be thinking of you and your ex girlfriend and keeping you both in my heart. x

bereavement and grief self-help guide / coping with grief and loss pdf / coping with grief pdf / healthy vs unhealthy coping mechanisms for grief / strategies to cope with grief / death is nothing at all by henry scott holland (a poem i come back to)

#aestetikeren-genfoedt

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sailforvalinor · 11 months

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As I've finally finished Ten's run...my thoughts on all of Ten's companions (in an order that makes sense to no one but me)

Martha:

I have...complicated feelings about Martha. I'm going to be honest, for her first few episodes, I did not like her all that much. Of course, the thing is, you're almost not supposed to like her at first. One of my favorite things about series 3 and 4 is that Rose very much haunts the narrative--you can feel her presence in Ten's thoughts, how her absence informs his decisions, almost as if she never left. Martha's role, at least in those first few episodes, is to make us miss Rose. She's a plot device. I don't think this is the case for the rest of the season, she has a lot of compelling things going for her character--her complicated relationship with her family and her desire to travel with Ten partially being due to her wanting to escape their chaos were really interesting. Also, her studying to be a doctor while traveling with the Doctor could have been a fascinating plot point if it had been utilized more often--but unfortunately, I think everything her character had going for it was too often muddied up by the "one-sided pining for Ten" plotline. I'm by no means opposed to the plotline in and of itself, I actually quite like it, but halfway through the season it started to get annoying to me. Like, I get it, him kissing her in episode 1 and then asking her to travel with him is really confusing, that's totally understandable, but after that long of traveling with the guy and him making it extremely clear that he doesn't like her like that...like, girl. Give it a rest.

(Not that Ten is entirely blameless in this situation--this man has never heard of a healthy coping mechanism. He just wanted Martha to travel with him because he was lonely, nothing else, but didn't make that clear at all. His refusal to even acknowledge her feelings, which he was perfectly aware of, and have a healthy conversation about it wasn't helping matters.)

I loved how they handled her exit in Series 3, however--I loved how Martha acknowledged that their relationship wasn't healthy for either of them, and that she needed to get out. (Ten staring as his shoes in that scene...gosh...)

And, with the one-sided pining plotline out of the way, I loved her appearances in Series 4! I loved how she actually got to be a doctor and do cool stuff! Also, I know her ending up with Mickey in the end is a very blatant Pair the Spares move, but have you considered: I do not care. I love them. They are so cute. (Didn't Martha have a fiancé in Series 4 though? What happened to him? Did he die or something and I missed it?)

Also, Martha is the most obvious example of what the Dalek's argue in the Series 4 finale--that the Doctor cannot help but make his companions into soldiers.

Donna:

Donna!!! I'll admit, I was pretty neutral about her in her first appearance--but I was so excited to have her back in Series 4. It was a breath of fresh air to have a companion who was very clearly a friend rather than another love interest, and her dynamic with Ten was so different than with any other companion. Their banter was so entertaining, and her lack of tact, though it got her into trouble sometimes, enabled her to say important things to Ten that Rose avoided saying for fear of jeopardizing their relationship, and Martha would have regulated to passive-aggressive muttering under her breath. (Thinking of "you talk all the time, but you never say anything" -esque conversations.) She cuts through Ten's bluster with relative ease, and it's fascinating to watch.

I also love that her traveling with the Doctor helps her grow as a person, flying in the face of Ten's belief that he destroys everything he touches--until the memory wipe, of course. Still, the Doctor Donna is still in there. (Also, was I supposed to think that the woman in white in The End of Time was Donna? That's what I assumed, but I'm not sure if I'm right.)

Rose:

Believe it or not, when I was thirteen years old and tried to watch Doctor Who for the first time, I did not like Rose Tyler. I thought that Rose was annoying, and that Nine was too angry and scary. (Thirteen year old me only got as far as The Doctor Dances, forgive her.)

I liked her much better the second go-round--I think the moment I was really sold on her character was her whole Bad Wolf moment, which makes sense. Her character growth throughout the series is by far my favorite, though I'm not sure I could tell you why. I'm going to try, though!

I think one thing that's pretty easy to forget about Rose is that she begins as quite a similar character to Donna, in that she doesn't have all that much going for her in her day-to-day life--she didn't do all that well in school, didn't go to university, is working at a department store (a job which she loses in the first episode), is living with her caring but rather foolish mother, and is dating a well-intentioned but pretty immature guy. It's a little startling at first glance how quickly she's totally on-board with traveling with the Doctor and being in so much danger all the time (even before she's in love with him), but it makes sense when you consider how little there is left for her at home. There's her mother, there's Mickey. That's it. And once she's seen the beauty of the universe, despite how dangerous it is, she just can't go back.

Just how sold-out she is for Ten (and vice-versa) is one of my favorite things, but also, one of her greatest strengths is her empathy. She's not brilliant like Martha, or a soldier like Jack, or a Time Lord-to be like Donna. What she has is a compassion that allows her to connect with all kinds of people--with a dying Dalek, with a terror-inducing little boy who is really just looking for his mother, with a housewife who is terrified of her abusive husband, even with a time-traveling man responsible for a war-ending genocide of millions.

I'm not going to go too much into Tenrose here (because I talk about it enough on this blog), but I find it so interesting that Rose represents healing to both Nine and Ten. Ten makes it very clear in the Series 4 finale that Rose saved him from himself--and not even intentionally, just by being who she is. Her influence on him is just that strong. (Please excuse me while I weep.)

As I mentioned earlier, I love how in Series 3 and 4, Rose is not physically present, but you can feel her haunting the narrative. You can almost tell when Ten is thinking of her, when her absence or influence on him causes him to make certain decisions, even though he talks about her pretty rarely. And how rarely he talks about her makes her into a sort of mythic figure for both Martha and Donna, making her return all the more incredible.

I also love that it is Donna who keeps seeing Rose everywhere and is so involved with her return. I sort of see Donna as someone Rose could have very easily become if she had never met the Doctor. They both also understand him in a similar way, though their relationships with him are fundamentally different. If the universe had allowed it, they would have been best friends.

Also, while it's sad for Ten, I loved the Tentoorose ending. I honestly couldn't see ending it any other way and keeping the integrity of Doctor Who's themes.

Finally, it has to be said—Ten and Rose are just so much fun to watch. They’re so happy together. They grin at each other like idiots. Ten does not smile like that with that amount of frequency for anyone else in the series, and I’m so unhinged about it.

A few random thoughts on some other assorted companions:

Mickey: Mickey my beloved!!! One of the things I love about the writing of these four seasons is that they are very aware of their own writing--they know that they're making Mickey into the third wheel, but they're also very aware of that fact. Seeing an arc like this handled with such self-awareness was so cool to see. I liked how Rose didn't immediately leave Mickey for the Doctor, she tried to make their relationship work, but they both eventually came to see that their relationship was immature. I also loved how he had his own arcs independent of Rose, and his character growth in those arcs were just incredible. I also think he has some of the most underrated performances in the show--the scene in Pete's World where he finds his grandmother makes me want to weep. And, of course, I love him and Martha together.

Astrid: Liked her quite a lot, I just don't get why we need to be throwing love interests at Ten all the time. Give him a break.

Jackson and Rosita: I mean, I get it, but also...huh??

Christina: Why. Why. Why.

Wilfred: 10/10. No notes.

#this is unhinged and disorganized i apologize #also these are opinions not an academic thesis please treat them as such #doctor who #tenth doctor #rose tyler #martha jones #donna noble #val cries over a madman with a blue box #tenrose #tentoorose

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hellfiremunsonn · 1 year

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Why Are You So Nice To Me? Joseph Quinn x Reader

Why Are You So nice To Me?

I DO NOT ALLOW MY WRITING TO BE REPUBLISHED ANYWHERE OTHER THAN MY OWN BLOG WITHOUT MY CONSENT

SUMMARY: This new life is taking a toll on you. Desperately trying to not seem ungrateful leads you to an overstimulated panic attack that Joe helps you through.

18 + IF YOU ARE NOT 18 OR OLDER DO NOT READ OR INTERACT WITH MY WRITING. IT IS NOT INTENDED FOR MINORS. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MEDIA YOU CONSUME.

AN: A big thank to @creme-bruhlee for giving me that one liner that sparked me to finally finish this. I love u

Warnings: None really? Fem!reader, reader has a panic attack/anxiety attack, mentions and descriptions of said panic attack/anxiety attack, Joe being the softest sweetest boy, I love him. (IF THERES ANYTHING I MISSED LET ME KNOW)

Wordcount: 3069

Since the premier of Stranger Things season four my life hadn't had a moment to slow down. It was interviews after interviews, sometimes multiple ones in the same day, different hosts, different shows, websites, everything. Adding all of that with so much traveling, especially with Jospeh, Jamie, and I being three new characters; our schedules were often linked together because of it; Although now, I stood a few feet away from them, leaning against the wall closest to the elevators.

It was about 6 pm at night and I was standing in the lobby of some fancy hotel in Brazil. A white and black dress wrapped against my skin, the hot weather and sun, giving me a healthy bronzed glow. I stupidly decided on a classic pair of very high all black stilettos. I should have opted for an open toe wedged heel or something. But I wanted to impress everyone. My first acting gig, first round of interviews, first time traveling far without family, it was nerve wracking but I wanted every second of it to go well. Something I didn't think that would bother me as much as it did, was not constantly having my phone on you. I didn't realize how much I relied on it as a coping mechanism when I was anxious, or uncomfortable. It was difficult to not have that immediate distraction.

Picking at the black nail polish on my thumb I sighed heavily, trying to get myself into the proper mindset for this Stranger Things party? Event? Meet and greet? Whatever it was, I was ill prepared and uncomfortable to say the least. Jet lagged, sweaty, homesick, and anxious; but it didn't matter, not when you had fans to impress, people to impress, companies to impress. I never had a moment with my own thoughts for more than five minutes before being escorted to another room, car, or airport, it was always something. Not to say I wasn't grateful for everything because I truly was; just there's simply nothing that can prepare you for something like this. A cliche at its finest. I had to stop myself from laughing out loud at my own thoughts. Only another 'famous' person would understand, and in a way it almost felt pathetic, even if I knew it was true.

A tap to my shoulder startled me slightly. I turned around to see Joe with a soft smile on his face.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, just tired" I lied. I think he could tell by the way his eyebrows furrowed slightly but he didn't comment.

"The heat doesn't help either I don't think" He said laughing.

"God no, it makes me feel like I'm wrapped in a warm hug, but also in a warm bath? Maybe both at the same time? I don't know but either of those sound better than a party right now" I said sighing. Tapping the tip of my shoe against the shiny tiled floor.

Joe looked like he was about to say something but just as he opened his mouth, we were waved over and instructed on where to go and what to do.

The three of us stationed at the entrance of grey double doors. I stood between the two men, both of their arms coming to wrap around my waist, and mine on theirs.

"Let's get this show on the road yeah?" I said forcing a smile, glancing between the two.

The doors swung open and as the three of us sauntered in, the small but crowed room filled with applause and music begun to play. Jamie slipped his hand into mine and gave me a slow twirl to introduce me. I blushed and gave an awkward wave, and a clumsy curtsy to match his energy. Then turning to Joe, I grabbed his hand and twirled him around to do the same as Jamie did to me. Joe was far more graceful as I was and I watched as the girls swooned over him. It was hard not to, if I was being completely honest with myself; but that was another thought for another time. Right now I had to be present, and put my game face on. Which is exactly what I did. I walked around and mingled with everyone, taking pictures and answering questions as best as I could, especially without giving anything away, just incase there was anyone around who hadn't had the opportunity to finish the season just yet. The music was uncomfortably loud and I struggled to hear what people were saying, barely able to make out the often broken English, but I tried my best.

After a while I snuck away to the back of the room, attempting to people watch while I clutched my glass of ice water to my chest. A few minutes alone and hidden from the eye of people I leaned my back against the wall, trying to regulate the beating of my heart. Nothing seemed to help it, and it only became worse, at this point I was facing the wall, desperately begging myself to stop hyperventilating. I could feel my bottom lip wobbling as I tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. A hand on the small of my back startled me and I almost dropped the glass in my hands as I whipped around. It was Joesph, once again, a knight in shining armour. "What are you doing all the way over here?" He asked.

I looked at him. My heart still thumping in my chest, and I could feel words on the tip of my tongue but when I opened my mouth to speak they wouldn't come out. My brows furrowed, and the only noise I was able to make was a small whimper, but it sounded more like a choke. "Come 'ere" He said wrapping his arm around my waist. He took the glass from my hand and placed it on a nearby surface. Strategically moving around the people in the room as he lead me out and back into the lobby. Security following us quickly until we were safely out of sight from any lurking people. My chest rising and falling faster now, my hands covered my ears and my eyes were shut tight out of instinct and I didn't even realize I had done it until Joe was facing me in the elevator placing his hands over mine. My anxiety had heightened everything, every noise, and light and moment seemed all too much and I could feel myself getting overstimulated; suddenly hyper aware of how the fabric of my dress clung to me, and the way the tag was digging into my spine.

When I opened my eyes to look at him, the tears hidden behind my lids fall easily down my cheeks. When the elevator dinged he lead me down the hall; his hand still on the small of my back only letting go of me to reach out for the small bag I clutched in my hands. "Key?" He said softly and I fumble with shaky hands, pulling out the keycard to my hotel room. He took the card gently, his free hand never leaving the small of my back while he unlocked the door, encouraging me to walk in before him, stopping only a few feet from the door. He closed and locked the door behind me and came to face me again.

"What's going on?" He asked quietly, while his hands were rubbing both my arms up and down in attempts to sooth me.

"I-I just" I choked out a sob, my head falling to my chest.

"Hey you're okay, everything's okay"

I shook my head. "No, no everything is not okay, I'm not okay" I cried, pulling away from him a little more aggressively than intended. Leaning one hand on the wall I balanced on one foot ripping one of my heels off, and then doing the same with the other shoe. Chucking them onto the floor. I desperately grabbed at the back of my dress, trying to reach the zipper. "I'm losing my goddamn mind Joesph" I mumbled, through snot and tears. "I can't remember the last time I was home, or the last time I slept in a bed that wasn't in a hotel. I haven't seen my mom in months and I'm so fucking lonely and I fuck!-" I stopped trying to reach for the zipper, my hands balled into fists at my sides. I tried again to take control of my rapid breathing, I really didn't want to be having a full meltdown in front of anyone let alone Joesph but he stood there quietly and patiently, giving me the space I needed.

Calming slightly I tried reaching for my zipper again, only for it to get stuck about a quarter way down, stuck on the fabric. I tugged at it harshly before trying to pull it apart but I couldn't get a proper grip reaching behind me.

"Can I get your zipper for you?" He asked after a had a couple of minutes to lose my temper.

"Please?" I said desperately, turning around and walking back over to him, my bare feet padding against the floor. I turned around so my back was facing him, pulling my hair to the side and over my shoulder so it wasn't in the way. His fingers traced lightly against the back of my neck, moving a few pieces of hair I had missed in the process. Goosebumps coated my skin and I tried to control the shiver that attempted to surface, hiding it with a shaky inhale. He pulled at the zipper, bringing it back up and down, feeling it tug at the fabric again, even with Josephs nimble fingers.

"Just rip it-Please I need it off of me" I pleaded.

I felt him tug at it a few more times before I heard him sigh, shifting behind me. I went to turn around when his hands returned to my back and he pulled both ends of my dress apart, ripping it in one go. I gasped in relief, almost losing my balance, one of his hands coming to land firmly on my waist pulling me back into him, my back against his chest, holding me steady for a moment. The dress hung loosely under my breasts, sitting at my waist, my strapless bra keeping my chest covered.

Joesph cleared his throat and I turned my attention back to him, stepping away from him and turning to face him. He avoided looking at me, eyes looking every direction other than the one in front of him. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable I just n-needed to get that dress off of me" Stuttering over my words, with my body still wobbly from the anxiety.

"S'all good, I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable either" He said laughing a little, his cheeks slightly flushed. "Can I do anything to help?"

"Um, a hug would be nice?" I said clenching and unclenching my hands, trying to free them from the tingling numbness that coursed through them.

His eyes softened, and I felt a fresh wave of tears form as he held his arms out to me. A small cry slipping past my lips, sounding more like a pathetic whimper as I walked into his arms, burying my face into his chest. His hands warm, one of them coming up to the small of my back, while the other cradled the back of my head. "I got you baby, don't cry, m'right here" he said quietly, into my temple. His breath warm as he placed a small kiss to the skin just before my hairline.

He began swaying slowly back and forth, and we stood there like that for a few moments before I leaned my head up to look at him, cheek still resting on his chest. "Why are you so nice to me?"

"What?" He said, pulling me away from him slightly so he could see my face better. Hands held softly onto my elbows. "What do you mean 'why' ?"

I shrugged looking down to avoid his curious eyes, a little embarrassed at my question. "I just... I dunno, I think you're the nicest man I've ever met" catching a quick glance at him, his eyes softened.

"Fucking christ" he breathed with a laugh. "You're just the sweetest thing aren't you? Bet you don't have any idea"

"Any idea about what?" I asked furrowing my brows.

"That I've been crushing on you since you walked into that room on day one of the table read" his hands coming up to rest on either side of my neck, thumbs just under my jaw. "But I don't think now is an appropriate time to tell you all this- I don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable state, so just ignore me" He was blushing, and fumbling over his words, nervous after his confession. A hand coming to scratch at the scruff on his chin, he cleared his throat, turning away to the rest of the room and said "lets get you into some comfier clothes yeah? We could-"

"N-no" I stuttered, reaching out for his arm quickly. He raised a brow. "Just keep talking? It's helping" I said bashfully, arms wrapping around myself.

He smiled slightly, clearly trying to act more casual about it. "I can do that" he said with a nod.

"Just, sit on the bed o-or something, I'll um, get changed" I said while heading towards my messy suitcase, shifting through the clothes to find something better to wear while Joseph sat on the end of the bed, laying back facing the ceiling with his hands across his stomach.

"Well as I was saying" he said with a laugh. "When you walked into the room, with that big sweater- you were swimming in it but god I thought you looked adorable" he sighed. "You sat next to me, and I remember hiding my pen, just so I could ask you to borrow one, and then when you laughed? I tried so hard to play it cool, but I don't think I did very well" he paused. "I mean how could I when someone as beautiful as you was smiling and laughing, and looking at me with those fucking eyes"

It was almost difficult listening to someone say so many nice things about me, to me, let alone hearing them from Joe himself. The man I had been crushing back on since the first time I saw him.

I smiled to myself listening to the sound of his voice while I finally found the clothes I wanted, a pair of green paperbag shorts and a white t shirt, something comfy enough to relax in, but loose enough to not sweat to death in. Joe was lost in thought, and I watched him out of the corner of my eye while I slipped out of my dress, removing my bra quickly, throwing on a soft bralette in it's place before tugging my shirt over my head. The movement of me untucking my hair from the collar made Joe turn to me briefly and he smiled.

I blushed, looking down bashfully as I tugged the shorts up my hips with a couple of hops. "Distracted?" I teased.

"M'always distracted when I look at you" he said sitting up, holding his hand out to me. I walked over to him slowly, taking his hand in mine.

He pulled me closer to him so I was now stood in-between his legs "How you feeling?" He asked, thumb smoothing over the back of my hand.

"Better" I said honestly. "Still a bit jittery, but better"

"Good" he said smiling.

"I um" I cleared my throat "I have a crush on you as well, by the way"

"I know" he laughed.

"What?" I scoffed "How?"

"You're a great actor when you're acting for the camera, but you're shit when you're with me" He laughed again and his smile spread, all too confident and cheeky. "Every scene we had together you'd tense every time I touched you, and when we had our kiss, I could just feel it"

"O-Oh" I was slightly embarrassed, but I think deep down I always knew that he had some sort of idea, it was getting impossible to hide. Maybe I was trying to hide it from myself more than I was from him. His hand left mine, both of them coming to the back of my thighs, squishing the skin there. I stumbled a little at his touch, my hands coming forward to catch myself on his shoulders.

"Are we going to keep pretending, or can I finally call you mine?"

"I mean we should probably go on a date first" I said jokingly, leaning forward to wrap my arms around his neck, his hands quick to land on my waist.

"Order room service, I'll take you our tomorrow, right now I just want to hold ya, and watch you get all shy when I say nice things about you" he said with a smirk, pulling me into him while he fell back onto the bed, pulling me up and next to him.

"You just want to get me in bed" I teased, playing with the collar of his suit jacket.

"Aren't you already?" he quipped.

I pushed at his shoulder playfully but he only tugged me closer, leaning so he could kiss me on the forehead.

"I'll go get changed while you order food yeah?"

I pouted, holding onto him a little tighter, already not wanting him to be far from me.

"I'll be five minutes, you wont even have time to miss me" he said while pushing some of my hair back and away from my face.

"Kiss me first?" I asked shyly.

Somehow this kiss felt different. We had kissed many times on set, and even had to have a heavy make out session for one scene. But right now, the way he slowly pressed his lips to mine; it made everything inside of me feel aligned, like he was missing from me and it almost took me too long to notice. I sighed happily into the kiss and he hummed in response, breaking away to give me a few extra light pecks before pulling himself from me.

"Five minutes" he said quietly, kissing me one more time before he left, a wide smile on his face.

#hellfiremunsonn #Joseph Quinn #Stranger Things #Joseph Quinn fic #Joseph Quinn fluff #Stranger Things fic #Stranger Things Joseph Quinn #Joseph Quinn Stranger Things #Joseph Quinn x reader #Eddie Munson #Eddie Munson fic #Eddie Munson x reader #Joseph Quinn fan fiction #Stranger Things fluff #Eddie Munson fluff

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circulars-reasoning · 6 months

Text

Recovery

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.

Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.

Just like that.

I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.

This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."

And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"

Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.

I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."

Why is who I used to be a burden?

Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?

Will it really make me taller?

My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.

"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy." "You know... I fell in love with that version of you." And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.

It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.

But I was far better than I made myself out to be.

#did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #other specified dissociative disorder #cdd #complex dissociative disorder #syscovery #recovery #therapy #tagging this as #syscourse #because I think folks in that tag will appreciate seeing this #esp those who are experiencing a lot of doubt recently #you are stronger than you are making yourself out to be #diamonds are a boy’s best friend

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