#and honestly i say a lot of this because i am literally terrified that jenny is going to fucking die or something

[butchsophiewalten]

man i really wonder how important of a character jenny is actually going to be. seems so far that she exists mostly to provide the catalyst for bunnyfarm (and seemingly thus the rest of the series) and also to be a character sophie trusts to talk out her feelings with so she’s not just thinking-out-loud all the time. i dont even really mean this in like a ‘hehe i wanna see more of the lesbians’ way, but i would really like it if jenny were a significant character, or at least if she were significant to sophie. it feels really important to me that she’s a person sophie trusts and cares about. because otherwise sophie has nothing and no-one. i get this hasn’t been stated explicitly or anything, but losing your entire family at 14 and being put on medication that so severely dampens your long-term memory are kinda things that will seriously alienate you from the world and from your peers. i cant imagine her having a particularly active or healthy social life. like. she just has jenny!! thats why jenny feels important!!! why i want jenny to be important!!! miss jenny letterson please be there for your girlfriend

#the walten files #chirps #and honestly i say a lot of this because i am literally terrified that jenny is going to fucking die or something #which is mostly a concern for me because she clearly wasn't originally suppose to be sophie's girlfriend. #like martin just canonized that when he saw how much people liked the idea of them dating. which is sweet and wonderful and lovely and all #but mister martin walls if you bury your fucking gays i swear to god <3 #i want sophie and jenny to be our final girlS lesbians in love #actually though i hope to god that martin walls has the foresight to understand that if jenny or sophie are going to die #then canonizing j/ophie is a bad fucking idea #like if jenny dies its gonna hurt so bad and NOT in the fun and interesting well-written kinda way

[jennycalendar]

OKAY follow up on my follow up!! (Apparently I’m just on a roll today) SO! One of the interesting divergences between the way I write Jenny and the way you have spoken about your characterization of her is “I don’t want to be the Scooby mom.” So like. My version of Jenny is the one who like…really knows what’s going on with A LOT of her students’ lives. (I have a whole thing about her being absolutely inconsolable and like never fully getting over the graphic death of one of her students IN HER CLASSROOM and Fitz’s murder since she blames herself for giving him the gateway to a dangerous ideology.) So while Giles barely realizes there are students, she is SUPER involved. How do you think her passion about her teaching conflicts with some of her keeping people at a distance and being a little !!!!!??!! with the Scoobs?

HMM. this is such a good and thoughtful question!!! i fuss literally constantly with my characterization of jenny, and am in the interesting position of enjoying both your reading AND my reading + believing them both completely accurate to canon, specifically because canon sends us so many contradictory messages and it's really about figuring which ones to play up in fic? like, there's definitely a read of canon that exists where jenny is absolutely a scooby mom -- she is so conscientious when it comes to the needs of the kids, so aware of the fact that they ARE kids, so determined in her efforts to create a positive space FOR the kids. but she is also so awkwardly detached from the group at large, most of her interactions with the kids tied to her standing next to giles (in a way that can be totally attributed to the sexy-lamp-ness of her writing, but it's still a canonical Thing That Happens) which exists in direct contrast to how hard she works to make things up to buffy. i would honestly say that passion is the only episode that i feel really registers jenny's personhood, which is SO FUCKED UP when considering how speedily she's swept under the rug as soon as she isn't plot relevant! big yikes!

THAT SAID, i think that jenny's disconnection from her own emotions is super relevant -- just because she herself isn't able to consciously label herself as a work mom for the kids doesn't mean she isn't already DOING it. it's not really like giles, who shies away from stuff entirely even tho he wants to do it -- jenny's version of scooby parenting is throwing herself in, heart and soul, without really thinking about the implications of how much work she is doing to keep these kids safe. she gets a little !!!!!!?????? when someone calls her OUT on it, but what she wants more than anything is to be close to other people. she just doesn't call it that.

like, look at her relationship with giles! she places deliberate distance between them REPEATEDLY while also absolutely delighting in him as a person & wholeheartedly encouraging his terrified romantic overtures. anyone with even an ounce of critical thinking in that sitch would recognize that giles is a serious guy who wants a serious relationship. jenny does not. jenny has not thought past "librarian hot" and is not at ALL thinking about the fact that she's completely ignoring two different jobs just to kiss giles in the hallway/library/broom closet probably. so she actually is very consistent when it comes to Being There for people, but she gets prickly and weird if she's CALLED on it.

and also i think it'd probably be way easier to be there for students -- the scoobies are literally fighting a war in secret. buffy is straight up a child soldier. jenny may not have a LOT of critical thinking skills but she's got enough to realize that these are kids who need a stable adult presence like 700000x more than most normal high schoolers.

#asks #meta #jenny calendar #via-whitmore #every time you ask me any question it's always so COOL #bless your excellent writer brain

[myriadimagines]

Oh god, men who are saying we misinterpret... 😂 Brought me a funny memory.

When I first had a irl crush 7.5 years ago, I actually came forward to him (he was my classmate) and told him I really like him/said it straight to his face that I have a big crush on him because we had had fun together and for example, he always waited for me at the train station when I came to school and literally RAN to me when I got out of the train and he always wanted to walk with me back to the class after lunch etc so my friends told me to go for it and see what happens. He got super confused, but the next day he messaged me being like "I'm sorry for getting confused yesterday. But I have feelings for you too."

Well we had a very nice time for a couple of months which included a lot of staring, blushing and smiling at each other and goofing together and having Facebook messaging with stuff like "I missed you at lunch ❤️" from him (after I couldn't go to school because train operators were on a strike) and EVERYONE IN OUR SMALL SCHOOL SHIPPED US, students and teachers and even the school cleaning lady, they called us JJ because his name also began with J 😂 (there was about 30 people total in our school) And my teacher told me afterwards that he saw that there's something going on between us and purposefully paired us for assignments etc.

Then my crush apparently developed a crush on our class assistant (at least that's what it looked like) and shortly after that he sent me a very frustrated toned message claiming that his sister had written that message to me where he confessed he has feelings for me too, and I had just misinterpreted all that cute behavior and wanted me to stop talking with him. 😅 Yeaaaaah right. So his sister apparently took over his body too and he couldn't help it????

I guess that was a psychological kick to my gut because I haven't been crushing on anyone real since that one.

I saw him at a pizza place 2.5 years ago on his birthday btw and he just stared at me and I just tried so hard to keep my face static so I wouldn't show that I recognized him... I don't know what he was doing here because everyone is like "where the frick is that???" when I tell them where I live and then J just appears at the local pizza place on his birthday??? He lives 70 kilometers away from me in a city so I doubt he came all the way here just to eat pizza 😂 This place literally doesn't have anything else than that, two small grocery stores, a small gym and pharmacy.

Just telling you this for peer support and maybe for laughs 😅

JENNI PLSSSSSSSSSS omg first of all i am so sorry men are so confusing and this is just such a prime example sakjdhsajk but also this is almost the same as what happened to me and this guy???? im putting this under the cut bc its so long and messed up BAHHAHA

granted we never explicitly confessed feelings for one another but we would hang out at school all the time, sit next to each other on the bus (AND HE’D LET ME REST MY HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER) and he lives like 2 streets behind my house so he’d walk me home and everything. he’d get weird when i hung out with other guys and would incessantly tease me about it to the point where i was just like ok maybe i shouldn’t. and i ended up going over to his house all the time because we were studying for our exams together but we’d just watch tv and lay on the couch and talk. i met his dad and even my mom asked if we were dating and our english teacher also asked my friend after we all graduated if we got together and it makes me scream!!!!! but then right when we graduated he started dating another girl in our class (i had to find out from mutual friends which was so shitty akjsdhaksd bc he never talked about it with me, even long after i found out). and i was like damn that sucks but whatever, i never told him how i felt. but we still kept in touch and when i moved away for college he hugged me and told me how much he’d miss me, and i just start to move on bc we obviously cant get together. 

fast forward to a semester into college, he’s messaging me all the time about how he misses me and asking when i’ll be back, i come home for break, and its radio silence. dude doesn’t message me until the end of break where he asks to hang out, and i find out later that the day he asked to hang out was the day after his girlfriend left to go back to college. we hang out, i leave to go back to college, and we text for a bit more before he stops talking to me completely. we don’t talk for like a year and a half and i find out it’s because he girlfriend didnt want him talking to me anymore and he freaking deleted my number. 

we somehow get back in touch through our mutual friend but he’s still with his girlfriend and whenever we hang out he lies to her about where he is. im super uncomfy and debating if i should cut him out bc i dont like him sneaking around his gf like that for no reason since we’re just friends. but at this point he starts getting weird and affectionate and telling me he wants to go to nyc to visit me, and always randomly asking me if i have a boyfriend. he gets on my case all the time about not replying to his texts fast enough and eventually he hits me with the whole ‘i love you so much’ situation after he got a good grade in his exam and was sharing it with me (which is so weird bc why would u say that while celebrating your grade). at that point i start really distancing myself, and eventually stop talking until recently :)

his gf even reached out to me to talk the whole situation through but honestly they’ve both got issues and im terrified of them both. 

i recognise my own part in this situation about sneaking behind his gf’s back but i just.................................................................. it was a lot. 

#BUT UR CRUSH BLAMING IT ON HIS SISTER AJDJKAND HELLO???? #i will probably delete this later but enjoy this drama everyone #swanimagines #s talks

[keanureevesisbae]

“Never out of practice” - Chapter 1

Summary: When Darcie’s father loses an important case, a killer seeks revenge, by kidnapping the entire Angel family. Though John thought that he was officially retired, he has to save his Darcie and her family, because he can’t lose her.

John Wick x OFC Darcie

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: Mentions of a miscarriage.

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

It’s officially October. I’ve always really liked it when it’s autumn again. The only thing is that it’s getting darker earlier on and I’ve never been too keen on the dark. The first year when I owned the cafe, I would be so terrified walking to the bus, that eventually I kept hailing cabs, because dealing with that stress on top of owning a cafe, was too much for me at the time.

Thankfully I have a very tough boyfriend now, who loves to pick me up. Today is no different, except that we go to my parents. For the first time in what seemed like forever, my parents have a night off and they really wanted us over for a late dinner.

Today it’s Jennie’s turn to close off, but somehow Raye managed to stick around. ‘When is your next date?’ Jennie asks.

‘Tomorrow,’ Raye answers, ‘but I think about cancelling.’

I stop in the middle of cleaning a table. ‘Jen, did I hear that correctly? Raye Clarke is thinking about cancelling a date?’

Jennie nods. ‘I’m still a little shocked. I can’t believe this is happening.’

‘Very funny,’ Raye growls, looking actually annoyed. Geez, what is up with her? ‘It’s just, he sounds so stupid. I was hoping his looks would make up for it. His looks were the only reason that I swiped right. But talking to him and calling with him, he is really stupid.’

For Raye to say something like that, means that either something really bad happened or that she is growing. ‘Are you okay?’ I ask.

She sighs. ‘My brother is coming home next week. My parents are really looking forward to it and they keep calling me, demanding I should at least stop by.’

Jennie and I exchange looks. We know Alex Clarke pretty well. He was about a year older than us, but somehow always managed to bully us through high school. I never understood why a nice girl like Raye had a brother like Alex. Alex would always make racist Asian jokes against me and he once cut off two of Jennie’s braids, causing her to shave her entire head..

‘I hate that guy,’ Jennie admits. ‘God, your brother is so fucking annoying.’

‘And he is introducing us to his fiancée.’

‘That bonehead has a fiancée?’ Jennie exclaims. ‘How is it possible that he is fucking engaged and we,’—she gestures to her and Raye—‘are single?’

Raye has been sad for too long, because she literally shakes it off. She always does that. Being sad isn’t something that happens to her a lot. She always says that she’d rather be fake happy than real sad. I really don’t know if that is such a healthy way of dealing with your emotions, but okay. ‘It’s not until next week,’ she states, ‘so no need to dwell on it. I’m going to cancel that Tinder date and you and I, Jennie, are going to hang out.’

‘You can’t just expect us to hang out together, last minute. Maybe I already have plans.’

‘You don’t,’ Raye says. ‘You honestly don’t have plans, like ever. I know you.’

The door opens and when we all look up, I see my handsome boyfriend in the doorway. Tiki and Oreo rush to me and when I crouch down, they push me on my back, trying to see who can lick my face the most. ‘I missed you guys too,’ I squeal and wrap my arms around the dogs. ‘Oh my God, I love you too, but you have to let me get up. John, please help me.’

‘Come here, guys,’ he says, patting his legs, so they look up and let go of me.

I manage to push myself up, only to see Oreo sneaking back to me. I scratch his head, causing him to smile at me. I love that cute smile of his. He is such a big fat baby, always curling up beside me on the couch and always wanting to get in bed with us, but John sends Oreo and Tiki out every time we go to sleep. Somehow he got through an entire year of dating without letting Tiki sleep in our bed and now that we have Oreo, he hasn’t changed his opinion about it. I personally wouldn’t mind if the dogs were in our bed, but John says that he wants me all to himself when we’re sleeping and to be honest, I think that is really sweet.

John walks up to me. ‘Hi sweetheart,’ he says, before kissing me on my forehead. ‘Ready to go?’

‘I am, let me just get my bag.’

I rush to the kitchen and after I collected all my stuff, including my jacket, I give Raye and Jennie a big hug. ‘Say hi to your parents from me,’ Jennie says.

‘Will do. See you two tomorrow.’

‘Bye mommy, bye daddy,’ Raye says and I glare at her. ‘It’s funny and you like it, admit it.’

I send her the finger and with John—who is enjoying this way too much—and our dogs, I walk to the car. While the dogs get in the back, John puts my seat in the right place, but he stops me before we can get it. ‘What is it, honey?’ I ask him.

‘I really missed you.’ He gives me a long kiss and afterwards pulls me in a tight hug.

This isn’t really how he usually is. I frown. ‘Are you okay?’

‘Can’t I show my wonderful girlfriend how much I love her?’

I lean back, so our eyes meet. His dark eyes are so full of love and I can’t help to fall even more in love with him. He is so gorgeous and my boyfriend. Sometimes I still can’t comprehend it. ‘Of course, but… I don’t know. Just wondering.’

I get in the car and when John sits next to me, I still can’t help but worry a little. He has a frown between his brows and when he holds onto the steering wheel, he is also a bit tense, his knuckles almost turning white. When he feels me staring at him, he looks to the side. ‘What’s up, sweetheart?’

‘I love you, you know that right?’

John smiles. ‘I do know that and I also know that you are worried, but please don’t. Going to your parents still makes me a bit nervous.’

‘Why is that? They love you, especially my mom and when you let my dad drive around in your Mustang, he instantly wanted you to be his son in law.’ I place my hand on his. ‘No need to be nervous.’

John parks the car in front of my parents home, but I stop him before he can get out. ‘How about that when we get home and you’re still tense,’ I whisper, ‘I’ll help you relax a bit?’

His eyes widen and a grin appears on his face. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, I think a back massage could do wonders.’

He laughs, placing his hand on his chest. ‘You had me there for a second. That is just mean, Darcie.’

I stick out my tongue. We get out of the car and with the dogs we walk to the front door of the house that I grew up in. The door flies open, to reveal both of my parents. My mom nearly pushes me aside to hug John. Mom always wanted to two kids, a boy and a girl. My father once told me that three years before they had me, they were expecting a boy, but in the seventh month of her pregnancy, his heart just stopped beating. They never knew why he never survived and when I asked her at age five why everyone had sibling, except me, she threw her bowl filled with soup against the wall and yelled at me that I should’ve never ask a question like that again.

When I finally got a boyfriend, she thought that she’d treat her son in law like a real son, but she never wanted anything to do with Eric. She hated his guts and at the time I felt awful for not liking her as much as I used to. I mean, Eric was my boyfriend, wasn’t she supposed to be happy?

But the way she loves John like he is her son, though he is only ten years younger than her, warms my heart. I know a tiny bit about his earlier life, how he was an orphan. The way he was welcomed in my family, I know it means a lot to him. When he met my parents for the first time and we got back to the apartment, he told me about how wonderful it felt to belong in a family.

He never really told me anything about Helen’s family, but I feel like sometimes I shouldn’t ask too much about her. I always feel a bit guilty after talking about her, I don’t know why.

But knowing that he was happy to belong to a family and that he would do everything to keep all of us safe (he said so himself), it made me realize once again that John is a good man and that I should never let him go.

I give my dad a hug. ‘I missed you, dad,’ I say to him.

‘Oh, munchkin, I missed you too.’

‘You look tired,’ I note, looking at his dark circles under his eyes.

‘Tough case, that’s all. Don’t you worry about me Your old man can handle it.’

⟢⟡⟣

‘Mom, really?’ I ask her, when I see there are only three chairs at the table. ‘We have four chairs, I know that.’

‘One is broken,’ she lies without skipping a beat. No wonder she is one of the best attorneys ever. For a second I believed her, but I know my mom and I know she’s up to something. My dad and her sit each on a chair, leaving only one left. ‘You can sit on your boyfriends lap.’

Oh my God, I thought once you weren’t a teen anymore, you wouldn’t be ashamed of your mother—guess I was wrong. ‘Mom,’ I whine, ‘please.’

‘Oh Darcie,’ she says. ‘I really like you two together. How do young people call it? Sailing?’

I’m visibly cringing. She always does that, trying to keep up with trends. It was funny when I was young, it was embarrassing when I was a teen, but now I’m thirty one, I really want her to stop doing that. ‘Mom, first of all: it’s called shipping, not sailing. Second of all: John and I are already dating, no need to force us together.’

John can’t hide his amusement. ‘Come on, baby,’ he says, sitting on the only chair left. ‘It’s not so bad.’ He holds my hand and pulls me to him. Knowing I can’t win this (and I’m definitely not eating my dinner standing up), I plop on his lap and my mother, who is a grown woman of sixty, hides her smile behind her hand.

‘I can’t believe you,’ I say to her, but I wrap my arm around John’s shoulders. Not wanting to give this sort of behavior any more attention than it should get, I turn to my father. ‘So, dad, how’s work?’ I ask.

‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘I’m defending the family of Whitney Bell.’

I’ve heard about that case. Whitney Bell was a twenty five year old woman, whose ex-boyfriend brutally murdered her and dumped her in Central Park. I just didn’t know my dad was defending her family. But come to think of it, I barely spoke him these last few weeks and though I think my parents are doing a great job with the people who they defend, I barely keep up with it, even when it’s in the news all the time.

At first I was a bit nervous to talk to John about this case, since… Well… You know…

But he sat me down and for the first time, he actually mentioned his work, without me asking for it first. He told me that he only killed men who were better off dead than alive. He would never kill a woman or a child and it kind of eased my mind. Not that I was scared that he would murder me.

‘Must be rough,’ John says, before taking a sip of his drink.

‘It is. Family cases like this, it always pains me when I hear their stories. I asked Whitney’s parents to bring a picture of Whitney, to show the jury. Though I asked for one, they brought all their pictures they have of her with them.’ Dad looks at his glass and adds: ‘Parents always do that. I get it, you know. If something happened to you, Darcie, I’d be dragging every picture I have of you with me, to show the jury.’

‘I’m sorry, dad,’ I whisper, but loud enough for him to hear.

‘Don’t be, munchkin. It’s nothing I can’t handle.’ Dad smiles, but I don’t buy it. He is stressing out. ‘Tomorrow in the late afternoon we’ll hear how he is being sentenced for life.’ He wants to sound like he’s got everything under control, but he fails miserably.

John must picked up on his nerves too, because he suggests: ‘How about you and I take a drive in the Mustang after dinner, Christian?’

‘That would sure ease my mind,’ dad laughs and thankfully it’s a bit more real this time.

We talk during dinner about the customers, John’s book binding (causing my mom to say she has some old books) and our dogs, who are curled up beside each other.

John and dad are about to go for a drive in the Mustang, but before John leaves, he picks up Tiki, since she really want to go with him and he presses a kiss on my cheek. ‘I love you, sweetheart,’ he whispers.

My mom manages to keep quiet, but as soon as the front door is shut, she asks: ‘When are you going to give me grandchildren?’

‘Mom! What the hell?’

‘Oh come on, sweetheart,’ mom laughs. ‘I know you are thinking about it. I mean, you call each other mom and dad.’

‘When we’re talking to or about our dogs,’ I defend myself. ‘I know you want grandchildren, but please, don’t say that sort of stuff when he is around. I’m afraid it might scare him off.’

‘Why?’ she asks. ‘I mean, he loves you dearly and I bet he wants kids with you. I mean, who wouldn’t?’

I can’t believe that last makes me blush. ‘I know that, but it is so far ahead in the future, I don’t want to think about it yet.’

Mom wraps her arms around me, giving me a kiss on my cheek. ‘Okay, I’ll shut up about grandchildren. But you are my favorite sail.’

‘Ship, mom, it’s called a ship. And just say couple, please. There is no need to “fit” in with the cool kids.’

‘Yet you knew exactly what I was talking about.’

‘That’s because I have high school kids hanging around the cafe all day every day. I need to fit in with the cool kids.’

We plop on the couch and Oreo stretches himself out, waddles over to us and sits between us.

‘Mom, be honest with me now. Is dad really okay?’

‘You know how he is,’ she sighs. ‘Gets too wrapped up in a case.’ Mom squeezes my cheek and whispers: ‘He’ll be fine after tomorrow, like he always is after he has won a case.’

Mom and I cuddle up with Oreo, who has been the sweetest companion so far, ever since we rescued him from the shelter. He eventually is sitting a little behind me on the couch, his head placed on my shoulder.

The front door opens. My father is laughing, but when I look at him, I see his eyes are swollen and a bit red. ‘Dad, are you okay?’ I ask him.

‘Yeah, sweetheart, I’m fine. Just hit my head.’

My mother stands up and wraps her arms around my father. ‘Oh nae wangjamin,’ she soothes, giving him a kiss on his cheek.

Tiki rushes to her big brother and jumps on top of him. He simply licks her face, not annoyed by her antics. He never is.

John walks up to me and scratches Oreo’s head. ‘Maybe we should go home,’ John says, ‘it has been a long day.’

I simply nod and when we announce that we’re leaving, my mom gives me a tight hug. When I hold my dad, I’m instantly worried again. This is not who he is, I hardly recognize him anymore. ‘I love you, dad and if something is wrong, just tell me, okay? I’m one phone call away.’

Dad nods. ‘I love you too, munchkin and I will call you.’

Taglist: @toomanystoriessolittletime​ @flhorah​ @allie1804-fan @cynic-spirit​ @raven-black102

#keanu reeves x oc #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves #keanu reeves x original character #keanu reeves x ofc #john wick fanfic #john wick x oc #john wick #john wick x original character #john wick x ofc #never out of practice

[avengerscompound]

Bringing Home Kobik - 6

Bringing Home Kobik: A Winterhawk Fanfic

Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Bucky Barnes x Clint Barton

Word Count:  2239

Rating:  E

Warnings:  Smut on the series (M|M, oral, anal), the aftermath of torture, PTSD, mentions of child abuse

Synopsis:   When Bucky decides to try to get legal custody of Kobik he meets resistance due to him being a single man. Clint steps up as a co-parent to help with the process.

Art by @bexlie-draws

Chapter 6

The kiss changed things.  Much more drastically than Bucky had expected.  If he’d realized how much he might have waited until Kobik was more settled.  Now he was juggling being a new dad to learning how to be a boyfriend again. Clint was not exactly what you’d call ‘good boyfriend material’ either.  He had issues almost as long as Bucky’s which was saying a lot.

He was also really handsy which was something Bucky wanted to be again, but he definitely wasn’t there yet.  Each time Clint put his hands on him it felt like an electric current shot through his system and his body didn’t know how to react.  Having to explain to him he needed to back off made him angry with himself and HYDRA.

Clint seemed to be running at two speeds because Bucky’s issues were setting off his own.  He was only ever, full speed ahead or full breaks on. The go-slow thing seemed to be something he didn’t seem capable of and Bucky started to doubt if they were even compatible.

Kobik though was a whole different story.  She settled in immediately. He already knew how much they loved each other, but she took to Clint immediately.  Clint was the soft touch who gave in to almost every whim she had. Icecream for breakfast? Sure why not. Mess with Sam while he was doing flight maneuvers?  Great plan. Bucky both loved it and found it extremely frustrating. Like he’d suddenly adopted two children instead of one.

She was happy though.  She didn’t bring up changing things again which was good.  The photo wall added more pics of her. By herself or with them or with someone from the team.  Her being happy meant more to Bucky than anything else.

After a time they enrolled her in a preschool.  That freaked Bucky out more than anything else. All he could think of was one-day Kobik was going to get bullied or receive a detention and she’d alter the universe so the people who upset her didn’t exist anymore, and how would he know if that had happened?

They took a long time to find a school that he thought would work for her.  Standard schooling wouldn’t work because there were too many potentials for catastrophe.  In the end, they found a school that was small, where everyone knew everyone else. Bullying was dealt with through discussion and learning was self-directed.  A huge amount of money was given to them to help deal with her special issues too. Bucky was still terrified the day the three of them drove into the parking lot in the morning.

“Okay, got your bag?”  He asked as they all piled out of the car.

“Yep,”  Kobik said holding up her backpack.  It was a shimmery blue with a unicorn on it.

“Lunch is in it?” He said taking her hand.

“Yes.  Packed inside.”  She agreed.

“Now what aren’t you doing today?”  He asked.

“Using my powers.”  She replied.

Clint moved in front of them so he was walking backward in the direction of the school.  “What are we doing today?”

“Have fun!”  Kobik chirped.

“And?”  Clint said.

“Make lots of friends!”  Kobik shouted.

“That’s right!”  Clint said scooping her up off the ground and throwing her in the air.  She squealed happily and caught him around the neck as she fell back down.

Clint carried her inside and held his hand out to Bucky.  Bucky hesitated before taking it and holding it tightly. When they reached the classroom they were greeted by the teacher and teachers aid.

“Hello!  You must be Kobik.  I’m Jenny. Are you ready for your first day?”  She asked.

“I sure am!”  Kobik said excitedly.

“Well, why don’t you go hang your bag up and put your lunch box in the crate and you can take a look around?”  Jenny said.

Kobik wiggled out of Clint’s arms and dragged him inside with her.  Bucky stopped and looked at Jenny feeling helpless. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay.  She can fly you know?”

Jenny smiled and shrugged.  “Guess we’ll find out. But she should at least get a chance right?”

Bucky wanted to hug her in that moment.  He let out a breath and felt his shoulder relax.  “Yeah. I just want her to be a normal kid.”

“I honestly wish more parents were like you, Sergeant Barnes.  Way too much pressure on kids to be more than just that.” She said.  “We take a lot of photos through the day so you can see what she’s up to.  And I promise if we’re in over our head we’ll call.”

“Thank you.”  He said.

“Of course.”

Kobik came running out of the cloakroom with a bunch of children giggling, followed by a bewildered-looking Clint.  “She made friends.” He said.

“You gonna come say goodbye, Kobik?”  Bucky called.

Kobik didn’t even stop running.  “Bye, Buckaroo!” She yelled.

Clint came and took his hand again.  “Come on. She’s fine.” He said and started to pull him back outside.

“Maybe this was a bad idea.  She doesn’t have to go to preschool right?”  Bucky said getting into the car.

Clint put his hand on Bucky’s leg.  “No, but preschool is fun. And she only does it a few times a week.  Slowly ease in. It’ll be good for her.”

Bucky nodded and let out a breath.  “Yeah, you’re right.”

“And,”  Clint said, squeezing his thigh.  “We get some alone time. Which we literally haven’t had any of since you kissed me.”

“I - uh - yeah.”  Bucky stuttered.

“You’ve changed your mind, haven’t you?  I wasn’t sure but that’s what’s happened?”  Clint asked taking his hand away.

“No.  No, I swear.  I - I really like you, Clint.  I mean, you’re the first person I’ve been interested in since… before I fell from the train.  You know?” Bucky said. He pulled the car out of the school parking lot and into the street, aiming back towards the compound.

“Oh.  Oh shit.”  Clint said sinking back into the car seat.

“Yeah.  So that’s that.  I don’t…. I don’t remember what it’s like to be a boyfriend.  I’m not used to people touching me. At least not like that. Pretty used to having them punch me and slap me in the face and stuff.  I’ve never been with a guy before. This is a lot of pressure for you, Clint.”

Clint put his hand back on Bucky’s thigh.  “If you can deal with my shit, I can deal with yours.”  He gave Bucky’s leg a small rub. “How about we go home, take a bath.  I’ll wash your hair because you never fuckin’ do it. And …” He shrugged.

“Yeah.  Sounds good.”  Bucky agreed.

“Wow, it really fluffs up when you wash it, huh?”  Clint said running his fingers through Bucky’s hair again.  Something he hadn’t stopped doing since they’d both gotten out of the water and dried off.  It hadn’t taken Bucky as long as he had expected to go from his body twitching every time Clint put his hands on him to practically purring like a cat.  All the build-up to this happening. The time it took for Bucky to realize what was happening. The hand-holding. The kiss and the aftermath of mixed feelings.  They’d all been slowly easing him into the idea of this. Lying together in bed Clint wrapped around him as the promise of more loomed over them.

Bucky looked into the archer’s blue eyes.  “Why do you think I avoid washing it?”

“I don’t know.  Your hair gets caught in the metal plate on your prosthetic?”  Clint teased.

Bucky smirked, trying not to laugh.  “You know what, Barton, I could really…”

“What?”  Clint asked, his fingers still carding through Bucky’s hair.  “What could you do?”

Bucky crashed his mouth into Clint’s, taking him by surprise.  For a split second, Clint did nothing, shocked at the sudden change.  One split second it took for him to go from bewildered to returning the kiss hungrily.  He wrapped both his arms around Bucky and pulled their bodies flush against each other.

Bucky hooked his leg over Clint’s and rolled his hips against him.  The slight bit of friction, making his cock twitch and begin to harden.  He moaned into the kiss and parted his lips. His tongue flicked out and was met by Clint’s and they circled together.

For every movement Bucky made, Clint matched, making it clear that Bucky was setting the pace.  He had no reason to push himself further than he felt comfortable with. If he wanted to stop, Clint would with no hesitation.

He didn’t want to stop though.  He wanted everything. He pulled Clint’s shirt up over his head and began kissing along the sinewy muscles of his chest.  His tongue would dart out and swirl around, tasting the salt on his skin. Clint let out a strangled moan and nuzzled into Bucky’s hair.  His fingers ghosted up Bucky’s back making his skin tingle and break out in goosebumps.

Bucky’s hips jerk forward and he groaned deeply.  “Fuck, Clint. Need you.” He rumbled.

“I’m all yours, Buck. Whatever you want.”  Clint whispered.

Bucky slipped his hand between them and took hold of both their cocks in his flesh hand.  He began to slowly pump them The soft press of his cock against Clint’s and the way they pulsed and twitched as the hardened fully sent shivers running up his spine.  Clint grabbed the tube of lube from the bedside table and squeezed it. The thick viscous gel drizzled down and splattered over their cocks and Bucky’s hand.

Bucky tensed at the sudden cold on his skin and began slicking them both.  His hand moving a little faster and squeezing a little harder.

“Fuck.  Oh fuck.  Jesus, Buck.”  Clint cursed. He’d started to rock his hips so he was fucking the little pocket Bucky had formed out of his hand and cock.  “Want you. Want you to fuck me.”

Bucky growled and rolled them over so Clint was lying on his back below him.  “You sure?” He asked teasing his fingers over Clint’s asshole.

Clint whined and pulled his knees up.  “Yeah. God, yes.”

Bucky leaned down and kissed him.  More tenderly this time. The thing was, Clint was an idiot.  An annoying idiot a lot of the time. But Clint was his annoying idiot and Bucky loved him.

He coated Clint’s asshole with lube and eased a finger inside of him.  When he met minimal resistance he added a second. Clint grunted and bucked up.  “Yes! Fuck! Like that.”

“You've done this before?”  Bucky whispered.

Clint nodded and made a mewling sound.  “Yeah. Yes. You’re doing great. Just, stretch me out.”

Bucky pushed both his fingers in and out, slowly fucking Clint with them.  Each inward thrust he pushed a little deeper. When the pads of his fingers pressed on the spongy surface of Clint’s prostate Clint made a primal groan and arched up under him.  “Fuck! Yes!”

Bucky slid his fingers out and added more lube to his cock.  He pressed the head against Clint’s hole. Clint pushed back against him and Bucky snapped his hips forward sinking into him.

They both let out long moans and Bucky began to thrust.  “Oh god, Clint.” He murmured against Clint’s throat. “Feels so good.  Not sure how long I’m gonna last.”

Clint ran his hands through Bucky’s hair again his head dropping back as gave himself to the sensation of Bucky’s cock filling him so completely.  “It’s okay.” He groaned. “Just fuck me.”

Bucky moved faster.  Fucking deeper into him.  He trailed his mouth along Clint’s neck and shoulders as Clint ran his hands over his back, sometimes digging them in and holding him.  His skin prickled and pressure built inside him. He felt like it was bearing down on him and he could explode from at any minute. Sweat dripped from his brow and he began to pant.

He wrapped his fingers around Clint’s cock and Clint made a keening sound.  “Oh fuck. Gonna come.” He said, his voice sounding like pleading.

Bucky took it as a cue, he relaxed, giving himself to the sensation running through him and with one final snap of his hips he emptied deep inside Clint.  Clint groaned and released with him, spilling over his own stomach and Bucky’s fingers.

Bucky slipped from Clint and collapsed on his back.  “God, that was good.” He sighed, his chest still rising and falling as his breathing evened out.

Clint grabbed a tissue and began cleaning himself off.  “Yeah, it was.” He said and rolled over nuzzling into Bucky’s neck.

“We should go again,”  Bucky said, propping himself up and looking down at Clint.

Clint laughed and pecked Bucky’s lips.  “Sounds good. And we will. But right now we gotta clean up and go get our daughter.”

Bucky shot up.  “Oh shit. Yeah.  They didn’t call. You think it went okay?”

Clint climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom on Bucky’s heels.  “Either that or we get there and the school has been replaced by a giant hot fudge sundae.”

Bucky chuckled and shook his head.  So he may not have gotten a wife and the four kids and the house with a white picket fence.  But he did get a boyfriend, a daughter and a big apartment he didn’t have to pay any rent for and that was pretty great too.

~ END ~

#bucky barnes #clint barton #hawkeye #the winter soldier #winterhawk #bucky barnes x clint barton #winterhawk fanfic #hawkeye fanfic #the winter soldier fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #smut #fluff #bringing home kobik

[the-marvel-wars]

I need to talk about GoT 8x02

My thoughts on Game of Thrones 8x02 (grab a glass of wine because it’s a fucking ride and a half)

This will be moved over to my new blog for nerd reviews, Sounds Like Nerds.

WARNING: THIS WILL BE VERY SPOILER-Y AND FULL OF SWEARING!

PLEASE, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THIS EPISODE, DO NOT READ THE SPOILERS!

IT’S SO HARD TO STAY AWAY WHEN YOU’RE CURIOUS AS HELL, BUT PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT THESE SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE EPISODE!

SPOILERS WILL BE BELOW THE CUT, SO IF YOU DON’T TURN AWAY NOW, I CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPOILERS YOU WILL SEE.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

ALRIGHT!

Let me be very clear that this episode brought about a slight meltdown for me. The little moments these characters had with one another broke me in half, and next week, I’ll be dead entirely. Resurrect me only to watch these episodes because life will mean nothing after “Avengers: Endgame” and GoT 8x03. I’m tired, dazed, very confused, and on the verge of a complete breakdown. While I still have some energy, here we fucking go.

That opening STILL gives me goosebumps after all these years, not gonna lie.

I lost my whole uterus when Daenerys stared down Jaime and was like, “yo, I always thought of how I would kill you. Here you are” (rough translation). I was like, “BiTcH nOoOoOoO”

ALSO, DAENERYS, HOW DARE YOU QUESTION TYRION! I FELT LIKE I WAS HALLUCINATING! Someone get me some water!

Sansa, a fucking goddess, the QUEEN IN THE NORTH, A RED WOLF. I DON’T GIVE A HOLY SHIT. I LOVE HER. I WANT HER IN MY LIFE FOREVER. TOUCH HER, AND I WILL BURN THE WHOLE WORLD TO THE GROUND!

“The things we do for love” -Jaime, 1x01

“The things we do for love” -Bran, 8x02

Me, during that scene:

Brienne standing up for Jaime the way she did is not helping my desperate need for them to get together. I’m trying to put OUT this fire, not add fuel to it, ffs.

When Sansa began speaking to Brienne after that, I was terrified that Sansa would be like “you vouch for him? You would fight beside him? Then you will suffer the same fate as him.” I was like, are they gonna get fed to the dragons? TaKe Me InStEaD!

Sansa giving Jaime a pass because of her respect for Brienne cleared my skin up, and I will breathe easier until I see Endgame on Thursday night. help.

LISTEN! Here’s my issue! Daenerys’ look at Sansa infuriated me when Sansa gave Jaime a pardon of sorts. Then, she’s like, “UH, JON! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS?!?!?!?!” like she’s just magically gonna get what she wants because they’re having………….the sex. Jon’s not gonna turn on his sister/cousin. I’m sorry, but don’t.

Bran just keeps staring at people. Just get that kid a blindfold, he’ll be less of a creep.

Me at Bran the ENTIRE episode:

Let me say this, I knew from the moment Arya did that little eyebrow lift at Gendry in the beginning of the episode, that they were gonna sex by the end of it. I’ve shipped it since they first met, and I will ship it until I die.

“It’s gonna be safer down in the crypt” -Gendry, totally oblivious to the little assassin Arya’s become.

“I know death. He’s got many faces. I look forward to seeing this one.” -Arya, giving me goosebumps while throwing dragonglass at a post. What a little fucking queen. Oh, God, take me away.

I lowkey want Arya to stare right into the face of the Night King, right into the face of death, and I just want her to say “not today” as a callback to season 1 and her training with Syrio Forel. Ugh. SHIT.

“Bran looks like a coconut” -my friend, 2k19

“At least Cersei won’t get to murder me” -Tyrion, giving me goosebumps because Bronn’s got that fucking crossbow of poetic justice, and I WILL NOT HAVE IT! TOUCH TYRION, AND I WILL RIOT!

Podrick has also gotten so much better with the sword, and I AM JUST SO PROUD!

“I’m not the fighter I used to be, but I’d be honored to serve under your command if you’ll have me” -Jaime, giving Brienne the credit she has always deserved, but that’s not even the best part. What happens later is what truly had me weeping.

I just want Jorah and Daenerys to kiss one time in a ship-fulfilling way. I just want him to be happy. I NEED him to be happy. Jorah fighting on behalf of Tyrion made me love him all the more, and if he dies, I WILL RIOT AGAIN!

The Sansa/Daenerys interaction had me quaking. I was literally sitting on the couch, head in my hands, shaking. I was both angry and relieved. While I’m upset they’re being pitted against one another, I’m relieved that they’re staying true to their characters. Sansa is true to her home and her people, Daenerys just wants to take what is rightfully hers (I mean, as we all know, it’s not TECHNICALLY hers *cough* Jon Snow). They’re both such headstrong women, and I hope they come together at some point. The women of this show would bring the entire population of Westeros to their knees.

Theon and Sansa reuniting had me in tears yet again. This episode was so fucking emotional for me, but I know that next week will break me even more.

“I want to fight for Winterfell, Lady Sansa, if you’ll have me” -Theon Greyjoy, reformed.

Those two have been through so much together (too much, really), and so much on their own. The fact that they are together again makes me so emotional. JUST KILL ME!

That little girl that Davos served made me cry AGAIN! He was reminded of Shireen. He wants to protect the little girl he couldn’t save.

Tormund TACKLING Jon like a quarterback was hilarious as shit in such a touching scene.

“The big woman still here?” -Tormund Giantsbane, the man who just wants some fuq

Seeing my favorite characters gathered around the command table made me shake with pure fucking fangirl excitement. It’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning.

“I took this castle from you. Let me defend you, now” -THEON GREYJOY oh my god, just bury me at this point with my collection of Marvel comics, my Star Wars pajamas, and my replica dragon eggs. Just put me to rest because I can’t. I cannot. I have been unable to can. No.

“We’re all going to die” -Tormund, putting it all out there like it’s no big deal. It’s a VERY BIG DEAL

Missandei and Greyworm having their little moment just drove home my fear that one of them is going to die before the end of the season, perhaps by the end of the next episode. WHEN YOU MAKE PROMISES IN THIS SHOW, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP THEM! YOU FUCKING FICTIONAL CHARACTERS SHOULD KNOW THIS!

Ghost just chilling in the background of that scene with Sam, Jon, and Edd is a whole 2019 mood. He gets no attention, barely any screen time, and others may not even notice him. But not us. Not us.

I’M BEING SO SUPER SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, IF SAMWELL TARLEY DIES, I WILL FUCK EVERYONE UP IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY! I SWEAR TO THE WHOLE UNIVERSE! SAM IS THE LAST GOOD, PURE, INNOCENT CHARACTER IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN WORLD, AND IF HE GOES DOWN, I’M GOING DOWN, TOO! I WILL HAVE A COMPLETE AND UTTER MELTDOWN, AND MY THERAPIST WILL BE GETTING A CALL AT 10:30 AT NIGHT! IF HE DIES, YOU’LL CATCH MY WHOLE ASS PICKETING IN A WALMART PARKING LOT, WEEPING.

*ahem*

sorry.

The scene with everyone around the fire was such an incredibly beautiful scene.

Also, Tyrion pouring Podrick a full cup when Brienne clearly said “HALF” is a wholeass mood.

I’m scared that the characters by the fire are the ones who are going to bite it in the next episode, and I’m not ready. I’m just gonna blackout.

TORMUND TELLING THE STORY OF HOW HE GOT THE NAME “GIANTSBANE” MADE ME CACKLE. A BEAM OF PURE LIGHT IN THIS SAD, TERRIBLE UNIVERSE! I’m still laughing.

Arya and Sandor drinking together. Leave me alone, I’m weak. I can’t talk about this right now. I’m too emotional about it still. One of these little shits is gonna die in the next episode, and I just cannot.

“I fought for you, didn’t I?” -Sandor Clegane, coming in at the last moment to rip the soul from my body. Thanks.

HeLp!

“I’m not spending my final hours with you two miserable old shits” -Arya, about to go get her freak on with Gendry ;)

When Arya started talking about Gendry’s experience with women, my friend and I both looked at each other, knowing exactly what the shit was gonna happen. It was gonna be weird, but it was gonna happen no matter what.

When Gendry finally admitted that he had been with three women, I was like, “Arya’s gonna say some smooth shit, like “want to add a fourth?”” but I was gonna be happy no matter what because these two are cute as shit together.

Me, when they were doing...the...sex:

Also me:

“Women can’t be knights” -Brienne, laying down some realness

AND THEN JAIME KNIGHTED HER, AND I CRIED LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! I TURNED INTO A PUDDLE ON THE FUCKING GROUND BECAUSE I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS MOMENT FOR SO LONG! BRIENNE DESERVED THAT TITLE MORE THAN ANYONE I’VE EVER KNOWN, AND THIS WAS SO INSPIRING TO WATCH!

I cried, babies cried, my dogs probably fucking cried.

“ARISE BRIENNE OF TARTH, A KNIGHT OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS”

oh my HOLY ASS!

I’m crying for my giant baby right now.

LYANNA MORMONT BEING A BABY QUEEN!

“I pledged to fight for the North, and I will fight!” -Lyanna Mormont, a little beast.

I PLEDGED TO FIGHT FOR THESE CHARACTERS, AND I WILL FIGHT FOR HER!

Sam gifting Jorah his family’s sword just drove home my suspicion that they won’t see each other again because ONE OF THEM IS GONNA DIE! SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL BURN IT DOWN! I’M GONNA FUCKSTART MY TV NEXT WEEK, AND I’M GONNA THROW UP!

Jenny’s Song.

Jenny’s Song.

Jenny’s Song.

shit.

Jon telling Daenerys about his lineage had my heart POUNDING in my chest. I DO NOT want this to be a rivalry. I don’t want it. I do not...want it. Not at all. I want it a negative amount. None want. Will not support.

I’m not ready for next week.

I’m not ready for any of this.

I will never be ready!

MY LITTLE, GROWN UP BABIES ARE GOING TO DIE! I’VE WATCHED THIS SHOW FOR LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT NOT EVERYONE IS MAKING IT OUT OF THIS SHIT ALIVE! I’M GONNA GO DOWN WITH WHOEVER DIES NEXT WEEK. I WILL BE BURIED WITH THEM, SO HELP ME ASS! I’M GONNA PUKE!

Honestly, this episode made me so fucking emotional. I think it sunk in that these characters I’ve been following for so many years through the books and show, are likely to meet their end so soon. I’m just having a hard time grasping this concept, and it started to sink in tonight. I’ve read these books since I was a young teen, and I started watching the show when it was coming out (against my father’s wishes). I’ve followed these stories for such a long time, and a lot is going to happen this week for me, between Endgame and this upcoming episode. I’m experiencing too many emotions, and my body may just decide to shut down altogether. Who knows?

#game of thrones #game of thrones spoilers #got 8x02 #got #got spoilers #game of thrones 8x02 #8x02 #daenerys #daenerys targaryen #sansa stark #arya stark #gendry baratheon #jon snow #rhaegar targaryen #lyanna stark #samwell tarly #jorah mormont #lyanna mormont #tormund #brienne of tarth #jaime lannister #got review #review

[livlepretre]

This is a great ask set—I’d love to hear about 12, 13, and 24!

12. favorite character to write about this year:

Well, I think the obvious answer is Queen Elena– because how is it possible not to love her? She embodies one of my very favorite tropes, which is the human coming out victorious against what should be the unconquerable inhuman, and doing it by hook and by crook. I’ve had ample opportunity to write about this with FE, and Elena hasn’t even played her biggest cards yet, so I am thrilled with that. It’s kind of a wild ride writing someone who keeps so many secrets and leaves so much unsaid, and yet is such an internal person, with everything kept under the surface. She’s also wonderfully tragic, and recklessly brave, and has a lot of mythic elements that tease the at the dichotomy between her fragility as a mortal and this palpably terrifying larger than life quality I’ve always imagined her to have. 

Other than Elena– Stefan and Marcel have both been great fun. Well, I say fun. Imagining what Marcel and Elena’s dynamic would be like stretched the limits for me pretty far, since they never catch wind of each other canonically, but Marcel is just so cool under pressure–  a lot like Elena, actually. I didn’t intend for them to have such an intense connection, that just completely wrote itself. 

And as for Stefan! He didn’t make too many appearances this year, but when he did my heart was basically in shreds. There’s something incredibly satisfying about writing the helpless downward spiral he and Elena are stuck on. 

13. favorite writing song/artist/album of this year: 

Gosh, there are a lot of songs I listen to A LOT when I write, or when I’m trying to amp myself up to write– aaand this is quickly becoming a really long answer, but FE requires a lot of mood music! 

Never Met a Girl Like You Before by the Insects– I heard this song for the first time probably in the spring of 2016, around the time I started publishing FE. I knew as soon as I heard it that this is the sound of the fic, the hazy, claustrophobic, out of control, sure to be a doomed and passionate affair feeling of the fic. This song literally sounds like an obsession to me.

All My Heart by the Mynabirds

Because the Night by Garbage and the Screaming Females

There is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths

Handle with Care by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins

Like a River Runs by Bleachers 

The Only One by Holly Miranda

Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You, Baby by Cigarettes After Sex

Gallery Piece by of Montreal

Sweet Dreams by Emily Browning

Vampire Smile by Kyla LaGrange

Home by Daughter

In the Pines by Widowspeak

All in White by the Vaccines 

I Always Knew by the Vaccines (honestly this is when I know I’m down the rabbit hole too far lol) 

I Don’t Want Love by the Antler

Make It Without You by Andrew Belle

Generals by the Mynabirds

24. favorite fic you read this year: 

Without a Doubt @innermostplanet‘s The Hangman’s Hands. It’s an MCU fic picking up from the end of the first avengers movie, “Thor and Loki never make it back to Asgard. Now S.H.I.E.L.D. is stuck with the world’s most hated war criminal on their hands and everyone wants a piece - unless they can find a way to get rid of him for good.” Jane/Thor and also Jane/Loki, in a way that gives satisfying weight to both. 

I can’t speak highly enough about this gem– it’s one of those stories that leaves me breathless, reeling from the dark beauty of the prose, the thoughtful, often painful, insights into the characters, and just the scope of how very far the story goes from where it begins. I’m a sucker for like… all of the tropes employed, and the writer often threw all of my assumptions as a reader against me in a savagely thrilling way. I learned a lot about writing fic from this, too– about how to shape a long narrative, about how threads of plot and character development can be resolved, and maybe what the point of writing a fic even is, at least for me. 

Thank you for the ask @mercurialobsession! 

#ask #my fic #the hangman's hands

[avaalons]

Chris Evans Fic: Since Then

If they are still open can I request Chris and y/n and they had a friends with benefits deal that resulted in a kid and now they are raising their kid together but not together if you know what I mean. But everyone around them can see how in love they are and they play it off. Happy ending all round please. Sorry if they are closed.

***

The day your daughter had been born, Chris had only just made it in time. She was three weeks early and Chris had been at the end of filming stint, planning on returning to Boston four days later so that he’d be around in those final weeks of your pregnancy and ready to go when you popped. But his baby girl had had other ideas, deciding she was more than ready to see the world and wanted out, like now. So your sister had called him, screaming more than was probably necessary and told him to get his ass on the next flight out if he had any hopes of witnessing the birth of his first child.

You were determined, this baby wasn’t coming until Chris was by your side, not because you needed him there as such, but because you didn’t want him to miss this incredible, life changing moment. You didn’t care how many nurses told you that birth didn’t work that way, that baby was staying in until her father could be there to welcome her into the world.

As luck would have it, your labour was long and horrendous. A head in the wrong position and a heavy dose of oxytocin were doing nothing for your comfort levels and by the time Chris arrived, you were a weeping, screaming, terrified mess, but he was a rock. He was ready with a cool washcloth on your forehead and the back of your neck; he had soothing things relentlessly spilling from his lips, even as you cursed him and shoved at him and told him this was all his fault; he let you near break his hand and didn’t even bat an eyelid; and when she was actually delivered, he cried with you, declared you a family now and that he’d be there for every ballet recital, ball game, science project, chess tournament, or swim competition. He didn’t care, whatever it was she wanted to do, he’d be there.

And you knew then at the back of your mind that it couldn’t possibly be true, his life just wouldn’t allow it, and you weren’t together together so the family part was a bit misleading, but in that moment, you didn’t care. You were floating on elation and nothing but nothing could pull you down from your cloud.

‘She looks like an Abbie I think,’ he whispered, referencing one of the girls names you’d both shortlisted via text while he’d been away.

And so there she was, Abigail Christina Evans, the middle name after your mother primarily but also a happy nod to her father, the light of your life and the delicate thread that held you and Chris together.

***

‘Mooommmm?! Mom?!’

You all but threw the iron into its holder attached to the ironing board and flung open the door to the hallway and stairs.

'Would it really kill you to take it upon yourself to descend this magnificent staircase once in a while instead of just summoning me like a servant?’

The sandy coloured hair of your now not-so-little girl hung down in a sheet as she leaned over the bannister from the landing.

'Sorry mom, I swear. But have you seen my Ariana Grande tshirt? You know, the one I got from LA when-’

'When your dad took you to her show,’ you finished for her in a mock-weary voice, a joke you both had about just how many times she mentioned going to see Ariana Grande live in one day, 'Yes, I know the one. It’s literally in this pile of ironing I’m doing. I’ll do it next. Is there anything else you need? Your dad is due any second.’

'No, I’m good apart from that tshirt. Thanks mom, you’re the best.’

You smiled up at her and she blew you a kiss. Sometimes you couldn’t believe just how grown up she was now. She was only ten but seemed such a little lady, and she was beautiful inside and out.

You finished her tshirt, folding it gently and just as you lay it on the pile of her other things, there was the sound of a key in the door.

'Sweetheart! Your dad’s here!’ you shouted as he stepped over the threshold with a smile and a wave to you. He barely had time to get out his hello before he was ambushed by his own child. She launched herself at him in excitement, clinging to him koala style and burying her face in his neck. His arms immediately wrapped around her as he hugged her to him tightly. You smiled to yourself, busying yourself with your chores and letting them have their moment.

'Oh princess, I can’t even tell you how happy I am to see you,’ he told her sincerely.

'Me too dad. Oh my god, I’ve got so much to tell you,’ and with that she wriggled from his grasp, the moment over as she launched into a fast and detailed explanation of all the friend dramas she sustained everyday with barely a breath, ’… so then Kaitlyn was like 'well I don’t want to be Abbie’s understudy,’ but Miss Clary told her straight up that she’d end up with no part at all if she carried on. I can’t help it if I’m a triple threat, can I Dad? Anyway, I need to grab my stuff from upstairs and then I can tell you what happened at soccer practise - oh my god! Mom told me you can come to my next game! I’m so excited! - but anyway, honestly, I can’t even - Jenna 'accidentally’ tripped up Chloe last week and - oh just wait a second while I get my bag.’

And like a sudden whirlwind, she was gone as quickly as she had arrived and you looked over at Chris with a knowing grin. He was stood with his eyes wide, apparently lost for words.

'I blame you. That must all be you because I was definitely not that talkative when I was her age,’ you told him.

He paused for a moment, shaking his head in disbelief before laughing, 'Triple threat?! Did she actually just say that?’

'Again, I blame you.’

He shook his head quickly, as if to shake off the verbal battering ram he’d just received, before clearing the room to approach you and pull you into a light hug.

'Anyway. Hello, hi, it’s good to see you.’

You laughed into his chest, giving him a quick squeeze, 'Nice to see you too. You’re looking well. Work going okay? Got to keep the beard this time I see.’

'Oh my god, I know!’ he replied quickly in excitement, unknowingly almost an exact replica of his daughter just moments earlier, as he scrubbed a hand over his facial hair, 'Cap with a beard, who knew?! What’s been going on here? Give me a run down.’

You walked through to the kitchen as you talked, Chris following you instinctively.

'Not a lot really. She’s doing well in school although could probably do with a tiny bit more focus on the academic side of things, but as long as she keeps the balance with her extra curriculars, she’ll be okay. Did you see I added the next parent-teacher conference evening to the calendar?’ You pulled open the fridge door and handed him a water before grabbing one for yourself. You’d worked out over the years that to keep Chris in the loop with everything going on in Abbie’s life, a synced digital calendar worked wonders.

He nodded, 'Yeah, I can be here. In fact…’

He was suddenly pensive and your curiosity piqued.

'Yes?’

'After I’m done with Cap, I think I’m going to take some time off Hollywood and spend more time in Boston. Move back for a while. Full time.’

You raised your eyebrows, a little surprised, 'Yeah? And what’s brought that on? Abbie will be thrilled, of course, but… is everything okay?’

He perched himself on one of your breakfast island stools, suddenly very interested in picking at the label of his water bottle, 'It’s just been a rough year with the whole Jenny thing. I need to refocus, get back to me. Spend some real quality time with my family instead of flitting in for a week every month. You shouldn’t have to put a question mark in every calendar entry. I should just be here.’

An edge of frustration creeped into his voice at the end and your heart went out to him. Balancing being an actor in Hollywood and a dad in Boston hadn’t always been the easiest of situations.

'Hey, we’ve both done our absolute best for her. You’ve supported her far more than some of her friends’ fathers who live in the same house as them, I can tell you that for certain! There’s no need to beat yourself up, she knows you worship the ground she walks on, just like she does for you.’

It wasn’t just words, it was the truth. Chris had worked hard to make sure Abbie felt like he was a consistent presence in her life. He knew it took far more than simply throwing gifts and money at her. Her parents might not have been together, but they were united and she knew full well how much they both loved her.

Chris looked up at you then, a half smile ghosting his features at your words before turning serious again.

'I just don’t want her to get to eighteen and I suddenly regret not being here more. Remember when she was born? I said I’d be there for everything.’

'You’ve been here enough to make her happy Chris, I promise,’ you placed a comforting hand on his arm.

'She’s my world, and she deserves to have me around more.’

'Listen, I’m not going to stand here and say I don’t think this is a good idea. She’s going to be beside herself when she finds out. I think it’s great! Just don’t be so harsh to yourself. You’re a great dad and she’s lucky to have you.’

'I’m lucky to have her,’ he did smile then, properly, 'And you.’

'Yeah, we make a pretty good team,’ you returned his smile.

'Do you think we work so well because we’re not in a relationship?’ The mood in the kitchen was back to being light and you moved to the counter to grab the tin of cookies you’d made earlier.

'I think I can say, without a doubt in my mind, unequivocally yes.’

He laughed at your comment and you slid the tin across to him, 'For you and Abbie and your inevitable movie night later.’

He prised the lid open and leaned forward to smell the baked goods, groaning as the scent of sugar and chocolate hit him.

'Oh my god, my trainer is literally going to beat me next week. Remind me again why I never married you?’

A peal of laughter broke from you, 'Because we were just friends with benefits until you knocked me up, dumb ass.’

***

Having Chris back in Boston did turn out to be a really great thing for Abbie. She saw him so much more and with him came his family, her grandparents and aunties and uncle and cousins. She always had them in her life, of course, but having Chris just made that link and bond even stronger.

This was exactly why you were dreading Christmas.

Christmas had always been a day for the two of you primarily. Chris was generally at his mom’s on Christmas Day, with the rest of his siblings and their children, so Abbie usually spent Christmas Eve at her grandmother’s and woke up there with her cousins for presents, but by midday, Chris would have dropped her off back at home and the rest of the day would be yours to spend together, opening more presents, watching DVDs and eating far too much turkey and playing with all the toys and games she had received.

But now, things were different. Chris was a much more permanent fixture in your lives and your instincts told you that he was going to ask if Abbie could spend Christmas with him and all his family. You couldn’t begrudge her it either: who wouldn’t want to spend Christmas Day surrounded by their family. Their household was large and chaotic and noisy, but it was also a lot of fun and full of traditions. Abbie would have a great time, but you’d miss her so much. You could go to your own parents, of course, or spend the day with your sister and her family. It’s not like you had nowhere to go. But you would miss your own little traditions that you’d created with your daughter over the years. She was growing up, however, and she could make her own decision about it.

It still didn’t stop the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach when Chris mentioned Christmas as he sat at your kitchen one evening with you and Abbie. He’d been with the two of you to see her play a soccer game and had stopped by for take out afterwards on Abbie’s insistence.

'So, I was talking to my mom and we were wondering about Christmas this year…’

'Hmm?’ you indicated you were listening at least even though you hoped the actual words wouldn’t be spoken.

’… it could be nice if we spend Christmas together, you know, instead of shuttling Abbie back before lunch. Don’t worry if it’s a problem, it was just an idea,’ he spoke the last part quickly, as if he’d expected you to make some excuse as soon as he got the words out.

'Yes! Oh my god, please can I go to grandma’s?!’ Abbie immediately responded.

'Abs, It’s up to your mom, don’t forget,’ Chris warned her.

'I think… I think that’s really great idea. I’m sure you’ll all have an amazing time!’ Your voice was weirdly high pitched as you struggled to try and not betray your disappointment.

You heard a snicker coming from Chris’ direction and when you looked at him, shooting daggers, your first thought was to be affronted. How could he possibly find leaving you without your daughter on Christmas Day funny?! But before you could make some pithy remark, he spoke again.

'You’ll be there too, of course.’

'Yeah mom, you’ll be there too, right?’

They both looked at you expectantly from across the table, identical expressions on their faces, and your heart soared.

’…of course I will, baby girl!’

As soon as Abbie went back to eating, you mouthed a thank you at Chris but he just furrowed his brow slightly and shook his head quickly as he plucked at his noodles with chopsticks, as if to say 'you’ve got nothing to thank me for.’

***

It was only six weeks until Christmas when your phone rang one Saturday morning. Glancing down at the screen you saw 'Baby Daddy’ and smiled as your rolled your eyes. Someone had managed to get hold of your phone. Again. You swiped to answer and immediately held the handset to your ear.

'I better be in your contacts as 'Baby Mama’ and I hope that whenever I call, you’ve got a girl with you.’

You heard him chuckle down the line, 'Only just seen that, huh?’

'Yes! Imagine if I was on a date and the guy saw! How am I supposed to explain that one away?’

’…are you on a date?’

'No, but that’s-’

'Listen, if a guy is getting sneaky looks at your phone on the first date, then he’s probably not for you.’

'Well, we can’t all be that choosy, can we?’

'You certainly can,’ was his immediate response, 'Don’t settle for anything less than perfection.’

'Oh great, I’ll just resign myself to being alone for the rest of my life then,’ you tried for a small laugh but it sounded hollow even to you. This conversation was getting deep fast.

'You’re not alone. You’ve got Abbie,’ he offered, and then added in a quiet voice, 'And me.’

It’s not the same though, you wanted to tell him but you also wanted to end this line of thinking and change the conversation immediately.

'Did you call for something?’

'Oh… yeah,’ he seemed to remember himself, 'I was wondering if we could go Christmas present shopping for Abbie.’

'We?’

'Yeah, she’s got Christmas show rehearsals all day, right? I was hoping you could help me out.’

'You don’t need my help, you always get her great presents!’

'It feels different somehow this year. I don’t know, more… moving back has made such a difference, I feel like I’m really truly cemented in her life now.’

'Chris,’ your voice was soft, 'It’s always been that way.’

'I know, I know, but I just love that I don’t have to be a visiting dad or a Skype dad anymore. I’m here, in the flesh, for her whenever she needs me and I want to get her something to reflect that.’

Your heart warmed for him. You knew the change in circumstances had been a happy transition for Abbie, but you didn’t think about how much it had affected Chris too.

'Okay, I’ll get my thinking cap on. What time shall we meet?’

'I’ll come pick you up in… an hour, say? Then we can go and collect Abbie afterwards. I feel like taking my girls out for burgers.’

You wondered idly if he realised how he sounded when he said 'my girls.’ A butterfly-like feeling rose in your belly and you quickly squashed it down. It did no good to think on the past. What you had now was good, it worked, and you intended to keep it that way, for Abbie’s sake. You and Chris had never been destined to be together, not properly. There was only ever one thing keeping you connected and it was your daughter. Without her, you would have parted ways a long time ago, probably never to see each other again. So when Chris said things like 'my girls,’ you needed to remember he didn’t mean it like you belonged to him or with him, just that you were a girl in his life, who happened to be the mother of his only child.

'Okay, I’ll be ready. Burgers are on you though. And I’m ordering sides. And dessert.’

He laughed, 'Whatever you want. See you in an hour.’

***

'Ten’s a weird age,’ Chris mused as you wandered the mall together, 'Especially for her. She seems so grown up sometimes.’

'I know. She seems too old for toys but too young to not have them. What about crafty things? She likes art and making stuff.’

'Anyone could get her that though. What can I get her that’s special?’

’…I might have an idea. Come with me.’

'Lead the way, oh wise one.’

He followed you dutifully through the mall until you came to a jewellery store.

'Isn’t she a little young for jewellery as a gift? Shouldn’t jewellery be from, like, Tiffany’s or Cartier or somewhere?’

You looked at him, baffled, 'You do realise those two questions completely contradict each other right? She’s ten, she won’t know the difference, and she definitely won’t care if it’s from Tiffany’s. But she also looks after her things now, she quite precious about it so I think jewellery would be nice. Plus, check these out,’ you pointed to some delicate necklaces on display with pendants in various shapes, 'You can get them personalised with an engraving on the back and have pictures put inside.’

'A locket?’ You could tell he was starting to see the appeal.

'Yeah, you could have a picture of the two of you inside, and then she’s always got you with her, even when you’re away for work or whatever.’

'You are a genius,’ Chris declared, making his way inside. 'Turns out you’re not just a pretty face.’

You gave him an affronted shove to the shoulder but he hooked his hand around your arm, pulling you into the shop with him.

The clerk was immediately by your side, asking if you needed help.

'We’re looking for a keepsake gift for our daughter…’

You left Chris to it and wandered off to look at all the beautiful pieces on display. It had been so long since someone had bought you jewellery. You’d had a few boyfriends over the years but just one that lasted longer than six months. It had been nigh on impossible when Abbie was a baby and as she got older, and dating should have become easier, you found that explaining the situation was difficult. Given Chris’ job, you had to work hard to protect the privacy of both your daughter and her father, and more often than not, you found your own wants and needs played second fiddle.

Chris’ relationships had been well publicised, of course, but he kept Abbie out of it all for the most part. Jenny had been the exception. She was a Boston girl too and was less 'Hollywoodised’ than some of his previous choices. She’d gone on the family Disney trip that year and by all accounts, had been perfectly lovely to Abbie. She’d been disappointed when her dad and Jenny broke up shortly after but Chris made sure Abbie knew it was nothing to do with her, that Jenny adored her but sometimes adults just couldn’t work it out.

As Abbie had gotten older, Chris had taken her to a few premieres as his 'date’, only ever to events that were controlled where there was plenty of other stuff going on so that they wouldn’t be the sole focus of the attention. He figured the interest in his life and with his daughter was inevitable and not going anywhere so he’d give enough to satisfy the need for pictures and information, and hoped that that was enough to keep them off her back when she was just at home, being a kid and growing up.

She did have a weird sort of 'in between’ life, but you supposed she had the best of both worlds. She could enjoy the nice bits that came with her dad’s fame, but she still had privacy and a safe place at home where she could grow up relatively normally and stay grounded. You and Chris had both sworn when she was born you wouldn’t let her be negatively impacted by his fame, and you thought you’d done an okay job so far.

'What do you think of this one?’ Chris’ voice and appearance at your side shook you from your reverie.

He held a velvet cushion in his palm with a delicate, heart-shaped locket. It was rounded at the edges and the join was almost invisible. It was smooth, bright gold and didn’t have all the fancy decoration you’d seen on some of them. It was perfect, simple and charming and, importantly, wearable. Not too flashy or too old. Just right for a little girl’s first piece of jewellery from her father.

'She’ll love it, without a doubt,’ you beamed up at him, 'Do you know what picture you’re going get?’

'Yep, I decided that first. I’ve already emailed it across. This one will have a picture in one side and an engraving on the other.’

'Perfect. Good choice!’

'Just wanted your approval before I paid. I’ll go get settled up.’

You watched him walk back to the counter, wondering how you and Abbie ended up so lucky. The situation you found yourself in ten years ago could have gone so wrong, but somehow, somehow, you became an unconventional, sometimes dysfunctional, but generally happy family.

***

Christmas Eve rolled around so quickly. You and Chris, along with all the other family members that would be at Lisa’s on Christmas Eve and staying over, had subtly squirrelled away the kids presents in various hiding places in her house so that by the time Christmas morning rolled around, the kids would be none the wiser. You’d driven carefully through snow in the afternoon, trunk loaded with your overnight bags and Abbie in the passenger seat, more excited than she could bear.

'I’m so happy you’re coming today as well mom, and I’m so excited to spend the day at Grandma’s tomorrow,’ she was practically bouncing in her seat.

'You could have stayed all the other times baby, if you wanted. You should have said.’

'Yeah, but you wouldn’t have wanted to stay overnight at Grandma’s and I wanted to spend time with you on Christmas too,’ Abbie reasoned.

'I’m staying over this time,’ you said in question to her idea that you wouldn’t.

'Yeah, but it’s different now dad’s home, isn’t it? You two are closer and we all spend more time together. And he hasn’t got a girlfriend,’ she shrugged nonchalantly as you blinked in surprise.

When did your little girl get so astute?

'Abs, your dad having or not having a girlfriend has nothing to do with anything. Your dad and I are friends and we care about each other and you, but that’s as far as it goes. We’ll always do what is best for you and that means us getting along and working together.’

'Oh mom,’ she sounded far too old for her years and you almost laughed, 'You’re so silly. You must have liked each other at some time or you wouldn’t have me at all, would you? Only married people or boyfriends and girlfriends have babies.’

Jesus Christ. You didn’t even know what to do with this conversation. Thank god you were turning into Lisa’s street and you were almost at your destination.

'I can see grandma’s house!’

And just like that, she was distracted, leaving you to your own confusing thoughts.

***

The house was manic. It was a sea of decorations and sweaters and food and drinks, all soundtracked by classic Christmas songs. Dodger was tap dancing with excitement around Abbie’s feet and he had been dutifully following the kids around as they ran and played, the excitement of what was to come tomorrow getting them all worked up. There was loud conversation and laughter from everywhere.

You caught up with Carly, Chris’ sister, in the kitchen, telling her about the surprising and hilarious conversation with your daughter and Carly laughed along with you, knowing all too well how awkward child-led conversations can get. But then her questioning turned more serious.

'Do you really never wonder what it would be like though?’ She spoke quietly next to you, your heads close together, each clutching a glass of wine.

'Wonder about what?’

'About you and Chris. What it would have been like?’

You shook your head vigorously, 'No, what’s the point? We would never have worked out. I’d probably have never seen him again if it weren’t for Abbie.’

'You did have Abbie and you did see him again. Is there really nothing there?’

You glanced over through the doorway into the living room. Chris was helping the kids put the decorations back on the tree after one of them had wound Dodger up too much getting him to jump for a toy and he’d stumbled backwards into the tree and knocking a whole host of ornaments off. Some of them were old and had been on the tree for decades, and Chris had a story connected to each one. The kids were rapt with attention and you watched as he scooped Abbie up so she could place a heavy Beauty and the Beast ornament on a thicker branch so it wouldn’t fall again.

'Carly, I… he’s the father of my little girl. I love him deeply, I do, but I can’t be in love with him. He’s an amazing dad to Abbie, and that’s all I need from him. He moved back here to spend more time with her and they have a great relationship. Nothing should get in the way of that.’

'Funny, he told me that too, but the more I see, the more I think it wasn’t just Abbie he came back for,’ she spoke cryptically and you whipped your head to look at her, shocked, but her attention had been caught by one of her sons and she was gone, dragged away to go and look at something he’d done and was obviously very proud of.

You were frozen. What did she mean? What else would Chris come back for? She couldn’t mean you, could she? You looked back at Chris, still holding Abbie, only to find your gaze caught by his own. He smiled warmly and whispered something in Abbie’s ear before setting her down. She ran over to you, grabbing your hand in hers.

'Mom, come and look at the baubles dad’s been telling me about. Do you know grandma got some of them for his first Christmas?! They’re soooooooo old…’ she trailed off as she pulled you into the living room.

'Hey! Less of the old, thank you very much! Go and look after your cousins before you wound my pride anymore!’ He spoke dramatically to make her laugh as she skipped away before turning to you, 'You okay? You seem quiet.’

'Yeah, I’m fine,’ you replied with what you hoped seemed like confidence as you resolved to pack away any of those strange thoughts Carly had conjured up, 'It’s just… you know… a lot different to my usual Christmas Eves!’

His face turned serious, 'I should have invited you before now. I don’t know why I didn’t, seems obvious now.’

'Chris, don’t worry about it. You’ve got your own life with Abbie and you deserved that time together.’

'You know me and Abbie aren’t separate from you and Abbie, right? We’re a unit, a family.’

'I know that,’ you nodded, probably sounding just as unsure as you felt.

'You’re so important to me, so important,’ he took your hand that wasn’t holding a wine glass and squeezed it tightly.

You could feel your face burning up and between Abbie’s conversation in the car, Carly’s in the kitchen and now this, you didn’t know what or how to feel anymore. You were so confused and the noise and the wine and the warmth in the house wasn’t helping. It was making you feel like you had a place here, and you didn’t. You were a guest, that was all.

You tried to make your voice light and joking, 'I know, dumb ass. I should hope so, being your baby mama and all.’

It didn’t draw a smile from him however and he immediately began to try and contradict you, eyes intent on yours, his thumb running over your knuckles, 'No, not just-’

'Chris! Can you run to the store?’ Lisa’s panicked voice could be heard from the pantry and Chris went immediately to see what was wrong.

You breathed a sigh of relief, nervous nausea dissipating immediately. These serious conversations were getting to be way too much.

'Has anyone seen my keys?’ He spoke loudly as he entered the room again. You began to look around, grateful for something to do and spotted them on the mantel over the fireplace. You plucked them up and placed them in his hand.

He did smile then, chucking a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of where his mom had been, but he spoke to the room rather than just to you, 'She’s forgotten the bacon for the pigs in blankets for tomorrow. I’ll be back in a little while.’

***

You had used the reprieve to compose yourself, sneaking off to the bathroom to splash some cool water on your face and take a few deep breaths. All kinds of things had been stirred up, feelings you thought had been long since buried and forgotten.

It was just Christmas sentimentality, you told yourself. You needed to get through the holidays and then just get back to how the way things had been. Maybe you needed to pull away from Chris for a little while, encourage him to do more with Abbie by herself. Maybe you could get a dating app and see what was out there. Just get through the holidays.

When you emerged, everything was as it had been. No one had noticed your absence, or your flustered state, and you were glad. You went through to the kitchen to see if Lisa needed any help and she set you to work filling a chocolate Swiss roll with frosting. You weren’t really sure who the Swiss roll was for, or when it was supposed to be eaten, because there seemed to be a million cakes and desserts around the place, but you did as you were told.

'Oh hell, there’s no herbs for the stuffing! Where has my head been this year? Could you be a sweetheart and give Chris a call? Tell him to pick up some fresh herbs while he’s at the store. I don’t know where my phone is, it’s around this place somewhere…’

'Sure,’ you agreed, wiping your hands on a tea towel before pulling your phone from the back pocket of your jeans. You pressed 'Baby Daddy’ on the recent contacts and held it to your ear, only to hear a phone ringing somewhere in your vicinity. You walked towards the sound, and on seeing the glowing screen, realised that Chris had stupidly left his phone on the kitchen counter.

'What an idi-’ but you were cut off when you saw the text on the screen.

'What’s he done?’ Lisa called from behind you but you barely noticed, disbelieving gaze glued to the illuminated screen of Chris’ phone as you let it ring out.

There, in glowing white letters against black as you called him, was the contact name he had given you.

Resolution 2018: Marry her.

***

You heard the front door slam shut and knew that Chris must have arrived back. You were sat in dim lamplight in the room Lisa had given you for the night, thoughts swirling and colliding. You didn’t know how to feel and upon seeing the name you’d been given, ran immediately from the room, fleeing upstairs where the noise of the family was muffled and the air was cooler.

Lisa had followed you up quietly, having seen the glowing screen over your shoulder and knowing instantly what was wrong. She paused at the door, purposefully not being intrusive.

'Is it a joke!?’ You asked her, unable to come up with any other explanation.

'No, sweetheart. He would never… he loves you far too much.’

A sob shuddered from your body then, all the emotions crashing at once, and Lisa rushed to your side, sitting down on the mattress with you and winding an arm around your shoulders.

'Hey now, there’s no need to cry. You’ve got some talking to do but I’m sure it will all work out,’ her hand smoothed comforting motions against your arm as she tucked your head under her chin, cradling you like you were a child, 'You love him too, right?’

You nodded against her, unable to get your words out.

'You two have been so wrapped up in Abbie that for the longest time, I don’t think either of you even considered that you could make each other happy too.’

That just made you cry harder. So much wasted time.

'You stay here where it’s quiet. I’m sure he’ll find you soon enough.’

Lisa had left you to your solitude and incredibly, within the twenty or so minutes between Lisa leaving and Chris arriving back home, you’d manage to go from being sad and helpless to angry. You were really angry. How could he keep this from you? Why would he make jokes about you working because you weren’t in a relationship? Why would he change his name in your phone to Baby Daddy? Why would he cheapen your feelings by implying he’d marry you for your baking, for God's sake?

So when you heard his footsteps clearing the stairs two at a time, you were ready for a fight. You deserved an explanation. But then he appeared at the door, his figure taking up the majority of the space.

You didn’t say anything. Just sat there, staring steadily at the floor, not trusting yourself to look up.

He cleared his throat in the silence and tried to break the ice, 'So, I left my phone behind, as it turns out.’

You looked up sharply then. Did he expect you to laugh? But you saw his eyes, worried and nervous, and you realised he’d been testing the water with all of those stupid comments. He was just as scared as you were about these feelings and what they meant.

'How long?’ You wanted to know, 'How long have I been alone when we could have been together?’

Your voice broke at the end as another wave of tears started up and he lurched forwards, crouching down in front of you, taking your hands in his and looking up at you.

'I didn’t realise, I swear to you. I was too stupid, too young, too dumb and too far away to see what I had. I wasn’t what you needed back then. I could just about get myself together enough to be a half decent human being for Abbie.’

'Did you move here just for her, like you told me?’

'I want us to be a family. A real family. Where we all live in the same house and eat all our meals together, and have movies nights snuggled under a blanket. I want to delete that stupid digital calendar and put a paper one on the fridge because we’ll all see it there. I want all of that, but I also want you, more than I ever thought possible. I want to kiss you and fall asleep with you and wake up with you and make love to you and have a billion more babies with you. I want to argue and then make up, I want you to tell me off for not doing the laundry right or for skipping my turn doing the dishes.’

You couldn't help the laugh that bubbled from you, even as the tears slid down your cheeks. He reached up from his crouched position to tuck your hair behind your ears, removing the curtain that protected you from him.

'Look at me,’ he whispered and you tentatively shifted your gaze to his.

'I love you, and I’ve come to realise that I think I always have. I just didn’t have anything to offer you. I’m not really sure I have much more now, but I can promise you that I will take care of you, be true to you, I will worship the ground upon which you walk, if you’ll let me.’

'Chris… there’s so much at stake here. What if we don’t work out? What’s that going to do to Abbie?’ you whispered to him, not wanting to break to spell with reality but needing to, for Abbie’s sake and for yours.

'I’ve been thinking about this. And everything happens for a reason, right? If we’d never had Abbie, we probably would have parted ways eventually, and we’d have moved on. I think the universe sent Abbie to us, to make sure we had a reason to stay connected until I could get my shit together to be good enough for you.’

You barked a sniffly laugh again. That was so like Chris. Of course it was the universe.

'And have you got your shit together now?’ You asked.

'Baby, my world revolves around you and our daughter. I’m not the same guy I was ten years ago, I know that for certain. It’s you, me and Abbie, together, from now, if you’ll agree.’

You sighed, feeling fresh sobs creeping through your chest, but sobs of happiness this time you thought. It had been such a long time.

It only took the briefest of nods to make Chris tug you down to the floor with him, crashing his mouth against yours. It was the same, but different as you explored each other. He was so familiar to you, but entirely new at the same time and you poured every bit of emotion you had into it, wrapping your hands tightly around his jaw, holding him fast. He held your body to his, unable to get close enough and eventually he pulled back to look you in the face, swiping at your remaining tears with his thumbs.

'Mom? Dad?’ A quiet, confused voice sounded from the doorway, 'What’s going on?’

You both snapped your heads towards the sound to see a rather vulnerable looking Abbie standing there.

'Oh baby girl, come here,’ Chris held out his hand towards her with a smile and she ran to you both, throwing herself into your embrace. You both pulled her in, hugging her between you, planting kisses against her hair.

'This is the best Christmas present ever,’ her muffled voice came from somewhere under your arms and you beamed at Chris, leaving over her to kiss him chastely.

'I agree,’ you spoke against his mouth.

***

The next morning, you were tired, there were no two ways about it. The kids had been told absolutely no movement before 7am, and Abbie had helped by setting an alarm before they all settled down to their Christmas Eve sleepover in the bedroom designated the 'Grandkids’ room’.

But of course, at the stroke of 7am precisely, a hoard of excited children could be heard running through the upstairs rooms, waking disgruntled parents and grandparents. Abbie launched herself into your bed and flopped against the pillows.

'Merry Christmas mom! Where’s dad?’

'Merry Christmas sweetheart. I guess he’s in his room.’

’… but why? Aren’t you together now? Boyfriends and girlfriends sleep in the same bed.’

Not again, you thought, how were you going to handle this one? Would a ten year old understand the concept of taking it slow?

You'd stayed up together, talking, long after the rest of the household had gone to sleep. You knew each other so well, but until recently, it had always been within the context of Abbie. Now, however, you had the opportunity to get to know each other as adults, but as happy and as heady as you were, even the two of you knew that sleeping in the same bed for the first time in over a decade in his mom’s house would be a mistake. So in the early hours, he’d slipped off to his own bed to get a few hours of sleep before the onslaught began.

'We need a bit of time to get used to being together first,’ Chris’ deep voice rumbled from the door from where Abbie had left it open. His hair was messy from sleep and he yawned as he padded towards the bed, tucking himself in behind Abbie, sandwiching her between her parents. 'And you probably need a bit of time to get used to it too.’

'Daaaadddd, no I don’t! I think this is amazing. Look, we can have cuddles in bed together. We couldn’t do this before!’

You bit your lip to keep from laughing as Chris’ raised his eyebrow at you over her head.

Thankfully, you were saved by a stampede of Chris’ niece and nephews in the room.

'Come on Abbie! Let’s go and see if he’s been!’

***

A couple of hours later, you were all ensconced in the living room on the floor, passing presents to their intended receivers as the kids opened their gifts. Chris had passed you a steaming cup of coffee early on and you smiled at him gratefully as he sunk down next to you. You pretended to ignore the happy glances of his mom and siblings as you leaned against his arm and he immediately wrapped his arm around you.

The morning was full of excited, grateful yells and whoops as the kids discovered items they’d written on their lists, punctuated by hugs and kisses of thanks. Occasionally, the kids remembered to pass some back for the grown ups too.

You’d had way more than you expected, receiving a gift from everyone in the family and then numerous packages all from Abbie, although you heavily suspected a certain father had taken her on shopping trip for them all. You whispered your thanks to Chris for each one and he pretended to not know a thing about it.

Eventually, Abbie got to a small gift bag that you guessed must have contained her necklace and you were excited to see her open it.

'Oh, there’s a matching bag here, with your name on mom. It’s from dad,’ she glanced at the tag as she passed it to you.

You looked at him in surprise, thinking there couldn’t possibly be more but he just gave you a bashful smile. You delved in and pulled out a flat, square velvet box, just bigger than your palm, and glancing over at Abbie, you saw she had an exact replica.

Confusion flitting across your face, you popped the lid open, you found the same heart shaped locket he’d showed you in the shop. Before you could question it, Abbie’s voice could be heard exclaiming at the side of you.

'Oh my god, I love it! Dad, thank you! It’s so cute. Look mom, it’s got a picture of us inside. And some writing!’

You look over at what she was showing you, seeing the picture was one of the three of you, not just Abbie and Chris as you had expected, taken next to the ice rink in New York when you’d taken Abbie to meet Chris there during a press tour. The inscription read 'My heart is always full when you are near. All my love, Dad’ and you felt tears prick your eyes.

'It’s beautiful, honey,’ you told her sincerely as she hugged Chris.

While they were both distracted, you picked up your own locket, intrigued as to what could be inside. You carefully opened it up and your breath caught in your throat. A hand flew to your chest as an involuntarily sob heaved from you.

The picture was almost the same as ones you’d seen a hundred times before: the three of you, in the hospital when Abbie had just been born. She was nestled against you in her swaddle and her tiny fingers were wrapped around Chris’ little finger. He perched at the side of you, arm around your shoulders and on all the photos you had seen, you both gazed down, joyful and elated, enamoured with the tiny bundle in your arms.

But on this version of the photo, one you had never seen before, you gazed down at a newborn Abbie and Chris, well Chris gazed at you. Still just as joyful, still just as elated.

And the inscription read, in beautiful loopy script:

Since then. All my love, Chris

#chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans imagine #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader

[fluteydeservedbetter]

Season 1

Season 1 is so nice and short. I always kind of forget about it because it’s the first one, but there are some real gems in here! Let’s take a look shall we?

12. Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

This one is quite possibly more forgettable than Teacher’s Pet. Literally the only thing that happens here is that Angel gets jealous of Buffy for the first time and also we are introduced to the Annoying One, sorry, the Anointed One. Other than that though, Owen isn’t even all that attractive so I’m not sure why Buffy and Cordelia are all over him. Ugh I just can’t handle this episode.

11. Teacher’s Pet

Poor Xander. He never gets a break ever. And it starts so early on for him too! This episode has always been kind of meh for me. It’s our first monster character that Buffy has to defeat, it’s our first time Xander falls for someone who is evil. But other than that, it’s very forgettable. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE the scene between Buffy and the old biology man teacher. He’s so sweet to her and teachers are always so mean to her so it’s really nice to see him. Too bad he dies.

10. I Robot, You Jane

Ok tbh this episode is not great, but it’s not the worst of Season 1! JENNY IS INTRODUCED HELLO!!! We finally get more character growth for Giles!! They are end game. I love them and they deserved SO MUCH BETTER! Anyways, watching them flirt for the first time is incredible. Poor Willow, this was her turn to fall in love with evil. At least she ends up in two of the best relationships of the show. Also that moment at the end when they all realize that all of their future relationships are doomed is HILARIOUS.

9. The Harvest

We have our first major character death! In the second episode! Poor Jesse. He deserved better. Also Xander deserved better than accidentally killing his best friend lol I am a firm believer that he should have had to for real kill him. But I never noticed that Xander saves Cordelia in this episode?! I’m team Cordelia and Xander 5EVER!!! Anyways, this is the first of many times that we see The Master press against that weird barrier and then he fails to be free. It gets boring after a while. Also very clever having Angel in the crypt during the day trying to hide the fact he’s a vamp. Go Joss!

8. Welcome to the Hellmouth

The one that started it all. I forgot HOW 90S THIS SHOW IS OH MY GOD. Willows dress. Buffy’s hair. XANDER’S hair. Giles isn’t funny yet (which is tragic in itself). But it starts off everything! The Master is introduced! Angel is introduced and looks fine as hell! Darla is also fine as hell but also a lot more annoying as a vampire than I remember. So cheesy. So good. It’s just such a good opening episode.

7. The Pack

Wow ok I’ve never appreciated this episode until now. It’s not like any other episode, but in this case it really works! I LOVE dark Xander. He’s such an underappreciated character so I love when episodes feature him and Nicholas Brendon can actually show off what he can do. Also. PRINCIPAL FLUTEY AND THE PIG DESERVED BETTER!! Honestly probably the two most innocent characters that get killed on this show. RIP.

6. The Puppet Show

Ok this is just a really good episode. Also has anybody else noticed that there are like no vampire centered episodes for a lot of this season? Or maybe this was just a big stretch of monster focused episodes. Anyways, this is a great episode, where the thing you think is the monster is actually the hero! The end half of season 1 is actually so good I love it. Also I side with Buffy, dummies are terrifying. Also this is when Principal Snyder shows up for the first time and I truly love to hate him. OH MY GOD ALSO WHEN THEY SHOW THE CREDITS BUT ALSO THE THREE OF THEM DOING THEIR TERRIBLE SCENE HAHAHAHA!!

5. Witch

Ok so things get really serious in the THIRD episode of the entire series. Honestly I like this because it really makes the magic thing work for the whole rest of the series. Introduce it early, people get used to it right away. Amy is a great character but she turns annoying after this episode for sure. This episode is a huge for firsts! First magic, first eyes go black magic, first time someone is for real out to kill Buffy, first time we see Amy. This episode was a lot more enjoyable this time around.

4. Nightmares

BABY JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT!! Aside from that, this episode is awesome. Nightmares coming to life? Genius! My heart breaks for Buffy when her dad says she’s the reason for the divorce. Xander and his clown are hilarious. I DIE when Willow is terrified to sing and just kind of squawks out a note. It’s just so clever and everyone gets their moment, even Cordelia! A solid penultimate episode for the first season. Probably the cheeriest penultimate episode of any season.

3. Out of Mind, Out of Sight

This is another episode that I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it during this rewatch! I always love Cordelia episodes. She’s honestly one of the most underrated characters on this show. I miss her. Also she thinks Buffy is in a gang which is HILARIOUS. But also we really start to get to know her this episode which is about damn time. When she talks about how lonely she is I FEEL for her. This episode also makes her start to realize the consequences of her actions and how she treats the people around her. AND it’s also the first time Cordelia is actually a part of the Scooby Gang and she honestly just adds such a hilarious dynamic to the group. My only complaint is like...where did Marcy go? What happened to that crazy school she went to? Is she watching me right now?

2. Angel

BUFFY AND ANGEL 5EVER!!! Ok I just had to get that off my chest. I love Spike, but I will always be Team Angel. He and Buffy are just so good. This episode is so good. Mainly because SHIRTLESS ANGEL but also because we finally get to know who this mysterious man is! We also lose Darla, aka The Master loses Darla aka his right hand woman. This is by far one of the best episodes of Season 1. This is when people can finally commit to watching the whole series because you can’t help but want to see more Angel. Always. Every episode please. Ok I’m done now.

1. Prophecy Girl

Ok wow this is such a good episode. I laughed, I cried, I loved. It’s the perfect Season 1 finale. BUFFY DIES IN THE SEASON 1 FINALE GUYS DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAZY THAT IS?! I literally have no words for ths. That speech she gives when she finds out she’s going to die? It brings me to tears every single time. And Angel still loves her so much and he’s so sad but there’s nothing he can do. The Master is underwhelming as a villain compared to all of the other Big Bads, but he’s not bad for a first season!

#buffy #buffy the vampire slayer #season 1 #prophecy girl #angel #vampires #slayer

[whatzappening]

Round the mulberry bush

All aboard the train of discontent. Toot toot!

Friends, I’m not having a great time of it. I want to be real so here it is. 

There are pathways in my brain being rebuilt and I think, I believe, that those pathways died off due to trauma. Waking them up is waking up the trauma and I’m reliving a lot of really awful things. The songlines of my mind made themselves shrivel up and die rather than be present for what they were feeling and thinking and experiencing. They could no longer bear witness to the life they were in and so they curled up and went into hibernation. 

Well now they’re waking up and I’m wondering if they’ll just conk out again if it all gets too hard. Is it personal weakness that caused all this chronic pain? The emotional led to the physical. Could I just not hack it? Am I too sensitive, emotional, a wimp?

It’s true that I feel the feels to the depths of my soul and the tips of my fingers and toes - and that makes me a wonderful mother and wife and friend and exceptional in my profession. I feel the highs the way a string feels when it’s stroked by a bow - it sings. 

And then the converse is true. The lows are so painful that my brain has literally short circuited and created a pain loop where standard responses once existed. This fills me with many reactions:

- rage (that it happened at all)

- fear (that it’s just going to happen again so why fucking bother putting everyone through it)

- hope (that I’ll be tuned up and my nerves will sing instead of scream)

- dread (that I’ll get close and then be turned away from that conclusion I don’t even understand the meaning of).

I spoke with my sister on the phone and said I think it’s working but is it a placebo effect, do I just want to be a good patient, a good family member, and make everyone pleased with my progress? To think the investment is worth it, that I’m worth it? And why the hell am I so upset when this could be the thing that heals this tedious, never ending pain cycle? Why am I not grateful, and instead being a whiny mofo looking for problems in everything? Try as I might I can’t regulate all these lows and soaring and dips and zigs and zags. 

She replied - because you’re on a knife’s edge and it’s terrifying. 

Bingo.

It doesn’t matter what happens, everything has already changed and will continue to change and I’m going to need to roll with it. My expectations and levels of acceptance are gone and have landed on some other planet I’ve never even seen before. 

Every time I leave my fam on Tuesday I howl down the Calder in deep anguish and pain, I’m missing from them and they’re missing from me. It’s a real thing that needs to be acknowledged. So it doesn’t shock and upset me every time. I had a patented “talk Jenny off the metaphorical cliff” phone chat with excellent friend Margaret which was incredibly grounding and helpful.

So there’s that old chestnut of leaving my nest.

I went to my appointment yesterday and the practitioner looks like she’s twelve, and when I met her last week I found her quite patronising and annoying. This week I was feeling chatty so when she asked me how I was, instead of saying the minimum I had to say to just get it all happening and shutting down I answered honestly. I trusted her and she didn’t let me down in any way - and I found her quite knowledgable, helpful, and present. She heard what I was saying and gave such helpful feedback!

The main gist is that the zaps are incredibly high impact both physically and mentally, but also psychologically. Ideally I would be on complete rest around treatment (which isn’t happening). The fallout is massive so everything I’m experiencing is normal and expected. The hope is that the impact will be less huge as I adjust and my body and brain gets used to the treatment. 

I feel shivers across my brain quite often. I picture the dozers from Fraggle Rock building their scaffolding, quietly working away, so small, but so busy and industrious. They’re moving mountains, one pipe at a time. So I need to forgive myself for feeling all these things (physical, mental, emotional) and be kind and be a bit messy for a bit. It’s ok. 

I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night - where I’m staying is WONDERFUL - it’s just my body being weird and my brain ticking away and my heart straining to get to 90 minutes away when I’m here. And all the worrying and second guessing and sorrow. 

This is where I’m at post session number 10.

[incurableoptimistest1994]

This is what happy looks like 😁 So I have some BIG and VERY EXCITING and VERY GOOD news for y'all... as of Friday, I am officially discharged from psychological services!!! YAY!!! Now, I will remain on what's know as The Safety Net List, meaning should I have a relapse/flair up, I can call and get an appointment asap... but I no longer need regular input from my psychologist. It's incredibly difficult for me to put into words what an utterly life changing experience my two years of therapy have been. I think the simplest way is to say this; therapy saved my life. During my last appointment with Richard (my amazing psychologist), he asked me to fill in a final questionnaire assessing my mental health. When I'd finished and he'd added up the score and told me I'm now in the healthy range, he asked me to take a look at the exact same questionnaire, filled in two years ago during my first appointment... the difference was just so drastic. My first questionnaire ranked me as suicidal. And I was. I had reached a point where I thought ending my life was the best thing for both me and my loved ones. This is very difficult for me to write about, but I'm doing it for one simple reason; to show other people with mental health problems that no matter how bad, how dark, how terrifying, how pointless, how painful life seems, with the right help, things. Will. Get. Better. Do not misunderstand; my journey has not been easy. It the beginning I attended two or three appointments a week, then one a week, then one a fortnight, then monthly, then every other month, then three monthly. I have worked, HARD. I have cried (like, a lot), laughed, ranted, yelled, given up, got back up, and did a shitload of research. My psychology A level came very much in handy, as did Cardiff library, and the good ol' internet... before long I was taking theories and techniques Richard had taught me and finding bigger, better, newer versions! I use a feelings journal, took up colouring, stuck out and then found joy in guitar lessons. When words failed, I drew pictures of how I felt, physically and emotionally. And when all else failed, I used music 🎶 I made a whole playlist entitled Therapy, after the song by All Time Low, and added a song per seasion. As a thank you gift, I presented Richard with this playlist, spanning six CDs, and a handwritten list of all the songs, along with the reasons I chosen them. I have other playlists, too; Songs To Stay Alive For, which exists to remind me of all the goodness and beauty in the world. Chillax; a calming playlist that counteracts panic attacks. This Too Shall Pass; a playlist designed to help deal with physical pain. And my personal favourite; Positive Associations; a 600 strong list of songs that are all associated with moments of pure joy in my life. I write quotes in a whiteboard in my room, to help me deal with whatever struggles I'm facing this week. I do yoga several times a week. I take the time to do my nails. I take time to do things just for me; nail art, putting on make up, reading Cosmopolitan, drinking a pot of tea in the morning. I eat better, and make sure I get enough sleep. I've studied and learned CBT, mindfulness, emotional awareness, and a dozen other psych techniques. One of my favourite techniques was chosen by Richard to appeal to my neesiness... it's called the De Spock vs Captain Kirk theory... basically, I imagine my emotions as the erratic Captain Kirk, and Spock as my calm, logical side. It's much easier to calm down during a panic arrack when you're imagining Spock standing beside you, calmly repeated "you're fear is illogical"! I can also now identify my Obsessive Compulsive thought, using The Trump Technique. Basically, you imagine any negative, scary and untrue thoughts are being said by someone you hate; in my case, it was Umbridge from the Harry Potter books! It's really easy telling her that she's wrong and needs to shut up! But the most important change I've made in the last two years is this: I talk. Now, I'm sure those who know me must be saying "dude, you've always been a chatterbox!". Very true... but I had developed the habit of bottling up all the things that most upset me; anger, sadness, pain. I bottled these up, and tried to keep from showing them to my family, friends or carers. I thought that sharing my pain would only hurt my loved ones... I've learnt that those who love me the most have always known when I'm hurting... and they much prefer it when I talk to them about that hurt. A burden shared is a burden halved, after all. Learning to really talk to my family, friends and care team has been the most important change I've made to my life. Two years ago, I would only express the true extent anger, sadness or pain to my therapist... I would only cry, to my therapist. Now my loved ones are my therapists... and what a team I have! I have to mention some people here, because I honestly wouldn't have been able to walk the path of psychological therapy if these people hadn't walked beside me and held my hand... in fact, I'd go so far as to say that they picked my sorry ass up and carried me down the path of recovery, in the beginning! Caroline and Stephen Davies; thank you for giving me this beautiful life. Thank you for always being there for me, always loving me, always supporting me, always cheering me on, and always being the incredible people you are. Thank you for teaching me determination, strength, grace under pressure, and to live by The Pollyanna Theory. Thank you for making sure my life is incredible; you've given me some amazing experiences and awesome people. I can't put into words what you guys are to me, what you mean to me... know you are my heroes, and that I love you to the moon and back. I'm so glad we have a happier, healthier relationship now. Connor James, Jade King, Jacob Clapham, Arran Morgan; thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for making me laugh when I felt like crying. Thank you for keeping me grounded in the real world. Thank you for knowing exactly when to talk about the hard stuff, and when to talk about Tom Dayleys Abbs. Thank you for the hand holding and cwtches... and for the kick up the arse, when I needed it! But most of all... thank you for always loving me, even when I really wasn't very lovable. Your friendship and love was a key part of my recovery. When I really hated who I was, Richard asked me to name four friends who's opinion I trusted explicitly. I named you guys... he asked me if you guys would hang out with a horrible person. I said no.... he asked me why I thought you all kept hanging out with me, then?! I replied, simply, because they love me for who I am. After that, whenever my OCD demon was whispering horrible things about me in my ear, I simply remind myself that you guys thought I was pretty awesome. Seeing how you loved me taught me to love myself again. I can never thank you enough for all you do for me, or put explain how much your friendship impacts my life, or put into words how much I love you guys ❤️ The same goes for Ruth Clapham, Alan Davies, John and Ann Davies... I could keep going for a very long time, but I'm gonna stop here. Just know that the people closest to me made my recovery possible. I want to thank my neurologist Jenny Thomas for offering to refer me to psychology every three months for the past eight years. She never forced me into therapy, because she knew that it wouldn't work if I decided I didn't want or need it. Instead, she kept on offering me the choice of therapy, until I was ready to accept it. I told her this during our appointment Friday, and she just laughed and said "I wouldn't be much or a dr if I didn't offer you every treatment available, now would I?!". I thanked her for saving my life and she simply replied that it was Richard and I who did all the hard work... I told her that she was the one who found and ferried me to the right services, something that doesn't often happen regarding mental health problems. She just said this; "Amy, you're the one who did all the hard work. And I just want to say that I'm so, so very proud of you. I'm not going to say you've become a different person, because you haven't, and you never needed to.. but all that horrible anxiety, the obsessive behaviour, the bouts of depression, are gone. You've grown into an even more incredible young woman, one who seems very happy with her life, and who's got her eye on a good future. I'm just really proud I get to be a part of your journey, and your life. Keep up the good work.". Needless to say, I was happy crying at the end of our appointment! And now I need to try and thank the most important person in my journey through the world of therapy, my psychologist, Richard. Richard first met me when I was literally at my worst... but he was able to look at this broken girl and see how I could build myself back up, brighter and better than before. And this is the most wonderful thing about how Richard worked with me; he told me right from the beginning that any truer recovery had to come from me... he would help, my loved ones would help, but I had to be the one putting in all the work. This man spent two years listening to all my deepest, darkest thoughts, and was always able to help me see the light. It's impossible really for me to say how important Richard is to me and my life, after all, he saved it. My mother and I often say he ranks somewhere between the Angel Gabriel, and Jesus. He's an incredible guys. And I'm so, so grateful I met him. At the end of our appointment on Friday, and filling in the compulsory questionnaire and re-reading my old one, I tried to thank Richard for all his help and just ended up blubbering... happy tears; what a strange, yet utterly marvellous things, eh?! And he sat opposite me and said; "I can honestly say that in all my years as a psychologist, I've never worked with anyone as determined as you, Amy-Claire... at the end of our first appointment I sat here and thought 'this kid is suicidal, and she's going to be in therapy for a decade'. Yet here we are, just two years later, discharging you! Now, has you're OCD gone? No. Has your ptsd gone? No... has the depression or anxiety gone altogether? No... but they no longer rule your life... you, rule them. And I can honestly say I've never had another patient work as hard as you have to improve their mental health, and I've never had another patient so determined to educate themselves about their mental health. I am, put simply, in awe of you. I can't wait to see what else you're going to do with your life, because I know it's going to be absolutely amazing!! And I want to say I'm honoured to be a part of you life. I've learned a great deal from you, Amy-Claire... and I'm very glad you're still coming to Rookwood to see Jenny, because I'll still get to see you and your colourful outfits!". Needless to say, this just made me Happy Cry harder. Richard, it's been an honour. I'd say it's been a pleasure... which it has... but it's also been a pain! It was most definitely worth it though. I hope I don't need to see you for a very long time! I will always have mental health problems. I will battle my OCD, PTSD, Anxiety and Depression every day, for the rest of my life. But I can honestly now say that I win most of these battles.... and I know I'll win the war, someday! My mental health problems are just a small part of my life, not my whole life. And I am now equipped to deal with them myself. That's what therapy was: someone handing me sturdy shoes to run in, a torch to light up the dark, water when I'm thirsty, food when I'm hungry, and a sword and shield to battle my demons with. It's been a hell of a two years. I'm so glad I was here to live them.

#mental health #ptsd recovery #ocd #depression #ptsd #anxitey #suicdal #it gets better #i promise #therapy #psychology appointnent