#and it’s the quiet racism that’s killing me

[starlooove]

Reading isn’t enough I need to start beating white ppls asses

#they’re literally everywhere and so annoying all the time I’m so sick #and it’s the quiet racism that’s killing me #ignoring dogwhistles pretending u don’t understand things that blk ppl are finding issue with gaslighting gaslighting gaslighting #and I get why ppl turn to the concept of religion and the idea that these people are gonna get what they deserve but what about now #what about the people they’re hurting and indoctrinating now #what about all the white folk who sit back and let it happen and feel comfortable in the fact that at least they’re not saying slurs #and laws keep getting passed that are literally getting us killed and y’all are making up that blk women are mad about kanekalon fuck y’all #And the LEAST you could do is sit and listen and learn but you need to share ur damn opinion on everything u hear and see #even when u know u don’t know shit #and don’t get me started on fandom it’s supposed to be fun here but y’all are so hyper focused on white characters that u genuinely don’t #see ur own racism #and some of you will see posts about it and scroll on and be guilty or think ur excluded #none of u are excluded this about all of u who make one post or reblog a few about fandom racism and go back to taking character traits from #nonwhite characters to make ur white faves look cooler #this is about everyone who thinks they’re some sort of feminist bc they think propping a female character on such a high pedestal nobody can #touch her isn’t falling into racist tropes at all #like sometimes I genuinely hate y’all so much it makes me sick #so tempted to tag every fandom tag I can find here #but y’all will either ignore it or gaslight blk ppl AGAIN like ALWAYS bc that’s what y’all do #dc #dc comics #tim Drake #bc anyone scrolling through this tag needs to see it I promise #Duke Thomas #Cass Caín #bc y’all pretend ur not racist towards her when y’all treat her like a walking dragon lady kys 💀 #Damian Wayne #so sorry to Damian stans faced with ppl who can’t read 💔 #and thats It.only main nonwhite ppl in batfam.and u still manage to be this racist.except Dick but u only sexualize him Abt it 💀 #see how I turned to fandom to cope with the real shit and it still fucking sucks 💀 I hope some of y’all die genuinely

[notherpuppet]

I know they’re probably not going to go into this (which i understand, there’s only so much time in an episode and they’re telling a different story) but I think about Al’s background a LOT. Get ready if ur in the mood for a read.

To be a mixed Black person in America is a…bizarre experience. You come to realize that due to the coincidence of your genetic makeup, white folks may divulge information that they keep so closely guarded from the ears of “more obvious-looking” black folks. Im gonna bring it back to Alastor, but lemme give some personal context. I’m mixed with Filipino, so I’m pretty obviously not white, yet my ambiguous ethnic makeup in a predominantly white suburbia seemed to make white peers and people feel much more at ease in relaying their criticisms or prejudices of black people to me. I would hear someone feel comfy enough to spew vitriolic racist shit with me, then toe the line like a circus acrobat when around someone a few shades darker in skin tone and a few coils curlier in hair texture. It was constantly infuriating and holding my tongue was a practice to both investigate someone’s true nature and preserve my own safety. I did abandon that method of navigating life in America, and experienced the switch-up white folks made when I started ‘broadcasting’ my blackness. (E.G. beyonce pre vs. post Lemonade). The criticisms and prejudice confessions just came less often, til I saw them being caged up completely after white peers experienced backlash from me. After they realized “OH this bitch is a n*****!?”

Now this is from someone who is brown, but i also wanna talk about my white-passing cousin with a similar racial makeup as Al, who is from the south and oh BOY. (Let’s call him J for this post’s purposes). J’s navigation though simple daily life is such a constant contradictory experience, of which he is still working through in therapy. I think of one moment when he was manager at retail gig and his boss told him that whenever a Black customer enters, it’s policy to give them “exceptionally attentive customer service”. Essentially, “follow that n***** around”. This is just one modern incident of when J would hear the quiet part out loud, despite his Blackness, because his appearance was white enough to make white folks drop their guard. Eventually, my cousin and I took to the same direction where we used our advantage of disarming white folks against them when the time came. We would keep note and record of racism and unlock a sort of “this you?” when the opportunity to expose that person’s true nature came. It’s pretty vengeful thinking ngl, but it is really REALLY hard to resist exposing an asshole rather than attempting to teach an asshole to change their ways. Especially given that such an attempt is an ARDUOUS uphill battle. The experience of KNOWING the truth about what someone thinks of your people, and being opened to opportunities and information that you would not have access to if the chance of your genetics was only slightly different is bIZARRE, horrific, and fuel for constant inner turmoil. (It sucks y’all)

Now back to Alastor; to have been a mixed person in the Deep South in 1930s America—it’s not too difficult for me to imagine how traumatic and convoluted that experience must have been. Especially when legally and socially, things were so much more Black and White. And when you’re on the line in between that, when society does not prepare a place for your existence, it can be SO isolating. You may consider the absurdity of such an arbitrary method of determining class, status, and/or caste much earlier in life than peers, which only further isolates you. You hold a resentment of society now that you know exactly how the other side is operating to ensure your oppression.

And then I think of Al’s weird ass moral code. How he arrived in Hell and (according to Mimzy) began killing overlords with reckless abandon. This is someone who likely had to develop the cunning to navigate 1930s Deep South America as a mixed, murdering, psychopath without getting caught by authorities who are already gunning for you. And now he is in Hell where the rules of society have gone up in smoke and he can fully embrace his rage, resentment, and vengeance. A desire to burn down the powerful people of the world can be accommodated and ANY previous inhibitions can finally be released. The morality of rising above someone by cutting them down (instead of developing emotional/spiritual healing) has become the easier and satisfying option. Finally the opportunity to show the power-secure villains of the world how easily you can tear them down when nothing is holding you back any longer.

TLDR; The trauma of racism in America is pretty sufficient cannon fodder for a severe psychotic break, the development of socially debilitating behaviors and isolation, and a quest for profound vengeance. So maybe that can explain some of the enigma that is Alastor.

And this is just ONE facet of Al. I didn’t even get to bring up the isolation that comes with being an aroace nonbeliever in the 1930s Deep South. Like FUCK. I’m a mixed, aroace nonbeliever from a modern day conservative town and yall….what a weird experience for sure lol but anyway lemme get back to my life. Whole point of this was—-WHAT AN INTERESTING FUCKEN CHARACTER TO THINK ABOUT

#hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin hotel spoilers #it’s an alastor analysis yalllll #character analysis gives my media and art engagement brain the wiggles #also I hate racism!!!! :)

[robotpussy]

not to harp back to a few days ago but the whole "taking phone calls in public/loud music in public/playing music and videos outloud in public is rude etc. (the list could go on)" argument is not only absurd,

(not all public spaces are going to be silent its is unrealistic, outside cannot cater to every single person as everybody has different needs, but this is not me dismissing there are concerns for people who may have sensory 'issues' or may be bothered by loud sounds)

but has ties to racism and classism, especially considering that many nonblack and white people call the police about "noise complaints" on black and brown people and poor people because the music being played at a party is 'too loud' or music from a car is being played 'too loud', which leads to them getting arrested or killed.

It also has links to gentrification, it is known that people who do complain about a community being too loud are clearly not familiar with the cultures in that area and that loud noise being a nuisance is a clear sign you are coming into a culture that isn't yours

anyway i think some of you need to read the article linked because the influx of these types of arguments is concerning.

#articles #white supermacy #gentrification #racism #ableism #classism #ref #antiblackness #like as a black person i know drums and 'loud instuments' are important to the diaspora - black people ARE 'loud' and that is #ok it is our culture and its beautiful idgaf and I will not sit here and pretend that the whole 'outside needs to be silent' thing #is not aimed at black ppl. this also goes back to the whole weird hatred ppl have children #with ppl saying they hate it when babies cry in public and kids shouldn't go outside because they are noisy #its so very strange to me

[starwikia]

suicide cw

look i have been in this area before mentally. it sucks and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. but, and this is going to sound callous, but i don’t feel any sympathy for james somerton. even if i hope he’s like. not dead. But thats all the amount of goodwill im willing to give him. The more i think about this really, the more angry i am. 

ngl this entire situation is another example of how white people weaponize their mental illness to avoid consequences. Im seeing it in real time.

this man has a continuous habit of using self-harm as a get-out-of-jail-for-free card. in both of his apologies, he has worded his supposed attempts in ways that were clearly meant to guilt people who displayed his plagiarism and overall horrendous history of racism and misogyny. i say supposed because, while i’m not saying those are lies and this would he such a fucked up thing to lie about that i don’t want to think he has, unfortunately, it’s been proven again and again that his word can’t be trusted, as he’s known to lie to try get out of consequences. Hes a proven liar. him lying about this is actually the best case scenario, because no one should go through this entire situation, wouldnt wish this on anyone, but you can only do this so often before people stop sympathizing with you. is this callous? Yeah, but like. I’m actually fucking angry he cant straight up take no as an answer. that this is how he reacts realizing he cant be one of the Cool Kidz™️ on youtube anymore. he acts like he DESERVES a career, like its not a privilege hes lost due to his own actions.

He lied about apologizing and forgiving people, he lied about giving the money to hbomberguy to give to ppl he ripped off (yknow, instead of doing it himself), he lied about the jessie gender situation and rewrote the narrative to make it so he isnt the bad guy, and hes the victim all along actually!

you can’t tell me that supposed last message of his isn’t meant to be a 13 reasons why esq attempt to deflect the blame “look i’m going to kill myself and it’s all YOUR PEOPLES FAULT for not letting me achieve my DREAM of being filmmaker IN PEACE!!! I just wanted Nick’s (the guy who I have thrown under the bus again and again) portfolio up!! Im just being a good friend dont you all FEEL BAD” he refuses to take ANY ACCOUNTABILITY of any of his actions and he IS STILL trying to shove the blame over to other people again.

it’s also pretty ironic people are like “uhhh well hbomber’s fans harassed him!!!” like hbomber outright told people NOT to HARASS JAMES!!! ALSO acting as if james doesn’t have a very real documented history of STRAIGHT UP sending his fans to harass and threaten smaller creators, more notably women, trans, and bipoc creators. especially after he’s stolen typically very personal anecdotes so he could profit from them. so why can he do it but the second people are like “hey this guys an actual piece of shit.” and he can’t handle it suddenly people are trying to white knight his shit? like no he doesn’t get that. he doesn’t get that at all just because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his actions. 

what? were supposed to stay quiet about a man profiting off of other minorities because he wanted to be the spokesman for all gay people? people tried to solve this on a smaller, more private scales for YEARS and he kept doing it. it was clear that the giant public video was the ONLY way to get people to notice. HE WOULDVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH STEALING 87 FUCKING THOUSANDS WORTH OF DOLLARS. HE CANT HANDLE THE FACT HE CANT GET AWAY WITH IT. 

am i supposed to feel bad for the guy who basically threatened a trans woman with the police? i don’t care what anyone says, it’s so fucking obvious that he threatened jessie by implying he was getting the police involved in their conflict. what am i supposed to act like that didn’t happen? are we supposed to pretend like he didn’t glorify nazi’s and outright said that gay people made up a good chunk of the nazis? That he didnt say america joined ww2 bc they were jealous of the NAZIS. WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU TO FUCKING SAY THAT. but then? He gives women (not even women most of the time, he misgenders nonbinary ppl constantly) shit for writing mlm. are we supposed to act like he doesn’t straight-up sees himself superior and better than people of color and steals their works to put himself on a pedestal? Are we supposed to act like he didnt spit on our elders by saying “only the boring gays survived aids” like man! Fuck you! He BLANTANTLY MAKES UP HISTORY TO PUT HIMSELF ON A PEDESTAL!! HE ACTIVELY TRIED TO REWRITE LGBT HISTORY TO SUIT HIS FUCKED UP NARRATIVES!

yes this sucks ! no one deserves this but no one should be making him a martyr. Thats what he fucking WANTS! He wants to be immortalized as a victim!! (again, supposedly, it was reported hes alive but its not confirmed).

The shit he got isnt near the amount of fucking callous behavior hes done again and again. Again, to drill this point, EVEN IF HE DIDNT CALL THE POLICE HE THREATENED A TRANS WOMAN INTO THINKING HE DID!!! The fact he tried to use a head injury to justify years of the outright ghoulish shit fucking astounds me. Why the fuck did anyone in his life thought it was a good idea to let him TRY to come back. in the end, he had options. he didn’t need to try to make a comeback. HE DIDNT NEED TO FUCKING LIE OR IGNORE THE SHIT HE WAS CALLED OUT ON the reality is, he wanted to come back thinking he could shove it under the rug, was told that no dude, you’re not allowed to be a youtuber anymore. you’re done. you need to move on and went full nuclear. it’s not on anyone’s hands but his own. HES BEEN DOING THIS TO HIMSELF!! But nah man we cant call his shit out bc hell may or may not kill himself. Fuck the other minorities who have the same issues but worse and sometimes BECAUSE of him. This is going to SUCKKKK so bad when other ppl, specifically white gays, are going to weaponize this shit to get away with their stuff.

#warning: do not read this post if you want me to be nice to james somerton. i am extremely mean in this post. #before anyone accuses me of shit i legit never contacted him myself or anyone involved. i am someone who witnessed this behavior repeatedly #again. i hope hes alive and well. the fact is him lying about this WOULD BE THE IDEAL SITUATION. BC NO ONE SHOULD GO THROUGH THAT. but. #he HAS to forever be the victim in his eyes. attempting doesnt automatically mean youre free of sin. #its just terrible to see that regardless whether or not he did do it #its very clear his attempts to run away from his consequences are working on some people #we need to acknowledge that if your shitty ex friend can weaponize a threat to kill themselves #so can this internet person after being called out for horrendous shit #like what was the alterative? what were people supposed to fucking do? be nice about it? #yeah as if poc and trans women arent historically given shit for being 'too mean' about wanting justice. #this isnt just the plagiarism this is the fact a white dude has been parading himself as THE speaker for the gays(tm) but has been using hi #gayness to shield himself from his misogyny racism transphobia and antisemitism #its very clear regardless this means that ppl r going to side with him and then give him benefit of doubt #if you cant handle the heat stay out of the fucking kitchen dude. this is the consequences of your fucking actions. #hes a disgusting person who cant handle being told no so hes going to drag everyone down with him #like. idk this entire situation is frustrating to me. #its also frustrating ppl trying to be moral abt it like 'see! i knew this was bad all along!' no you didnt. shut it. #for the record im like mainly talking abt twit watching those spineless uwu cutesy ppl basically saying hes done noting wrong #oh and also alt righters who are clearly weaponinizing this where u know they wouldnt give a shit if a right ytber did this. #james somerton #idk might delete this later its just. ugh...

[dinitride-art]

Au fics that i think are neat and that i want to compile into a list because im trying to figure out how to comment on a chapter of a fic but i need time to sort out my thoughts (usually for fic recs i try to rec fics with less kudos/engagement because reasons but im just gonna throw everything in this list. probably multiple fics by the same author in the same universe because thats the one im trying to sort out my thoughts on.)

the strawberries are dying by eggowlss - historical fiction and very interesting character relationships and also character exploration within the time period. I really like this one because the pacing and tone are very gentle. There’s a srt of ebb and flow to the story that makes both the time period and the characters really fit into it. idk how to describe it i just like it a lot.

in the quiet of the night (acswy ao3 series) - they’re putting those characters in situations. It’s a very good time. 10/10 do recommend. If you haven't heard of this one though, it’s basically a modern au where everyone works at a summer camp and Mike and Will cause problems for themselves, each other, and usually everyone else around them. 

si vis amari, ama by perexcri - demons and angels and heaven and hell and its honestly just one hell of a story. like ive got vivid images in my head of scenes i imagined when reading this. 

you start to kiss (and the record skips) by eclipseadventure - this is a band au with a side of a secret relationship and im a sucker for secret relationships. a bit of drama/high stakes in here too which is always pretty fun. 

End Racism on the OTW! - you and me and the horrible teenaged ghost who keeps eviscerating himself in our apartment makes three by TheWrongKindOfPC - i am also a sucker for buzzfeed unsolved aus. buzzfeed unsolved, hauntings, ghosts, yknow the fun stuff. 

into the daylight by andiwriteordie - THIS IS NOT THE FIRST ONE, it’s just the first one that came up in my bookmarks. anyways, this is the second fic in a fantasy au series. The worldbuilding is really cool and there’s magic and history and politics and i like it a lot. the most recent chapter is spinning around in my mind.

the heartbreak prince by andiwriteordie - THIS IS THE FIRST ONE. 

beneath these boughs, my devotion blooms by perexcri - this is the fic that nearly killed me. i literally cant summarize it because im still recovering from what happened to me when i read it. Did i read it in april? Maybe. Listen, it had me asking questions about things i had never considered before. its 11k but im pretty sure it took me a good few hours to read because it made me think about it so much. again, ive got a bunch of visuals running through my head. its just... so much.

sweetheart, you're so cruel by perexcri - Mike’s in a band, Will’s a music snob, they’re both contemplating their life choices. very fun, very interesting, also made me think about some things. 

keep it hush by wiseatom - theres an amusement park and the horrors of customer service. and some other stuff but basically its pretty bright (the visuals of the fic in my head are bright- like sun glinting off metal- and idk how else to describe it)

the start of an age by delusionaltogether (Whyyyyy) - this ones funny and serious at times and its got Max in it. fantasy au with prince will and knight mike and a secret relationship and a small scheme between three parties that involves a fake (ish) marriage. 

superhero therapy by silverluminoqity - spiderman au with a side of trauma and healing? it’s complicated theres stuff happening, i had a good time reading it. 

you've got this spell on me by andiwriteordie - this one was really fun. basically its a fantasy au theres magic and mike gets himself hit with a spell that makes him fall in love with will and will freaks out about it for a while.

Daydream by disaster_energy - i really really liked this fic. its a fantasy au and its got gods and stuff and will gets chosen by the moon goddess because hes Will and everyone is like... woah.

takes one to know one by andiwriteordie - i also liked this one a lot, its a superhero au and its got ironic (like... dramatic irony- i think is what im talking about? maybe? but like fun irony) secret identities. 

Love goes 'round by evil_ontheinside - conversations in a laundry mat. mikes flopping (as in, flopping around like a fish) around a bit and this was pretty cute. 

my promise could be your fiend (could be the smallest of signs) by s0ld_it - spider man au, theres a bookstore involved and a lot of stuff. ive read this fic twice and greatly enjoyed it both times. 

Tip-toeing on Lily-pads by cherryisgone - very very fun, fantasy au and... mike gets cursed to be a frog. can only be un-cursed with a kiss. 

filling in the blanks as we go by delusionaltogether (Whyyyyy) - bookstore meetcute

there’s more but i spent all day painting my room and i am tired. Ive also got way too many bookmarks to go through and i have decided to stop here. still haven't figured out how to write that comment (but i am working on it because i love the fi(s) and ive been thinking about one specific thing that came up in a new chapter for so long). anyways, i hope someone enjoys this list of au fics from my bookmarks. 

#byler #fic rec

[weirdwildwonderland]

I know ppl downplay certain siblings trauma a lot but let me just reframe everyone’s for you based on the seasons

1) imagine the person you love the most sending you 185828282 miles away for 4 years to live on the moon. Completely alone. When you get back you find out that all the samples you put so much work into didn’t even get read or taken out. The person who sent you there tells you later that he put you there to guard the most precious thing in the universe but you can't help but think that he sent you up there because you died and came back looking like a monster. He left you on the operating table for two months and when he saw you again he couldn't even look at you.

Imagine being a little kid and being told you’re not special. And then living with 6 other people who are constantly praised because they’re more special than everyone else. Imagine them 30 years later still talking about you behind your back and blaming you for everything that went wrong.

Imagine being 12 and being so restless to see the world and to see what you can do that you go somewhere no one’s ever been. And it’s hell. And no one comes to save you. You think about how you saw your family dead in those first days. And it haunts you for those next 45 years.

2) imagine being transported back in time. You have powers that can kill people. And since you’re from the future you have history books on your side. You have the power to stop one of the most famous assassinations in history and prove to your dad (who’s alive now) that you’re GOOD. That you’re not the impulsive emotional crazy mess he always said you were. You just want him to love you, because whether you want to admit it or not, you want his love and validation more than anything else in the world. You don’t prevent the assassination.

Imagine having to witness all the stupid things your brother does. You just want to give up sometimes but you literally can’t. So you put up with his attitude and stupid justifications and you never get to hug those 5 other people that you miss so much. Your brother says that ghosts can’t time travel. You don't get to say goodbye to him. Even though you hated him sometimes he had a good heart and you miss that good heart all the time.

3) imagine going through brutal racism and dehumanization every single day. Not knowing if your husband is alive or in jail or not. Constantly on alert. Your husband is the only thing keeping you from losing it. And the thought that your daughter will be there when you get back. You didn’t get to see her before the first apocalypse. You failed her as a mother and she died that night not even hearing your voice. Your brother was on the phone for you. You leave your husband for her. It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Except she isn’t there.

4) (speculation) you used to be immortal. You got really sick one time from walking barefoot in a field and from something you smoked. You got shot by a spear gun. You came back. You can drink however much you want. You can get run over by a bus and you heal in half an hour. Now that you don’t have your powers it’s different. Everything is terrifying on a new level. Salmonella from the canteloupe and liver poisoning from the alcohol and flu from your brother's new kid. The clorox wipes smell like a security blanke and you can't get close to anyone anymore. Not even your sister. Not even your niece. And it makes your brother sad. You don’t smoke anymore and you’re so, so quiet. No one notices. You’re finally quiet.

#the umbrella academy #see if you can guess who!!! #but oh my god this made me so sad jesus christ #tua #luther hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #number five #viktor hargreeves #didnt include lila here sry #writing #kai's writing

[doberbutts]

genuine question coming from a place of good faith: is it wrong of me to be scared for transmascs right now? the harassment of transfems by both radfems and now even tumblr staff is fucking horrendous, but im terrified that due to so much recent discourse, people are going to blame transmascs for it and hate us even more than they already do.

i genuinely do care about transfems and it’s utterly ghoulish what’s going on right now, and it needs to stop, but I can’t help but get this awful sinking feeling over how it could affect transmascs by proxy — but I’m not sure if that’s wrong of me? is it wrong to worry about, should I be focusing entirely on transfems right now? is it transmisogynistic of me to be concerned about both of these things instead of just the one? I don’t know if what I’m feeling is wrong and it’s stressing me out so badly :(

I don't think it's ever wrong to be concerned about multiple real problems at once.

I have stayed pretty quiet on this situation, mostly just adding stuff to my queue if I agree with it but not weighing in personally. Mainly the reason is that I genuinely don't know anything about the trans woman in question who all of this fuss is for. But, I have seen other trans blogs get nuked for seemingly flimsy reasons, and I have seen self-professed terfs and radfems crowing victory with the latest victims of their mass-reporting.

And I think this is a bit of a PR nightmare, but I also think this site does have a serious harassment problem the staff does not take nearly seriously enough while it also seems to punish in equal amounts blogs that get harassed AND blogs that were literally just minding their own business, with really the main similarities being that they are blogs owned by people belonging to seriously marginalized and at-risk demographics talking about controversial topics like racism and LGBT politics.

It is really quite frustrating that there are now accusations that trans mascs talking about their own oppression are behind this, when not only is there no proof behind the claim but also even without a lot of direct knowledge I am seeing a certain demographic cheering that their mass reports worked and I gotta say, that demographic largely isn't trans mascs.

I also think there is a lot of hypocrisy floating around, because some of these blogs I'm seeing mad about this latest streak of bans are also people who themselves have advocated for harassing others and mass-reporting others who simply fail the vibe check while just existing as themselves, off this website. And while those users don't have the power of the literal CEO, they're failing to see how they've contributed to the problem of this website's user culture of "send the most vile thing you can think of en mass until they break and leave and good riddance".

I say this as someone who also has been harassed by a band of people wanting to chase me off of this website. It is why I don't interact much with dogblr anymore. I have had several people who joined in that dog pile later approach me and apologize, but the damage is still done and I am not interested in engaging with a "community" so willing to tear someone apart on flimsy accusations that weren't even true. I almost killed myself that night, I had a mental break and turned off my blog completely for several days just to make it stop, and returned to see people similarly crowing with delight that they'd successfully run me off. It's happened to me, and the perpetrators were almost entirely white cisgender women, and I have been very reliably told by multiple other people that both my blackness and my transgender status were significant motivators in their poor behavior.

This also happening in the wake of yet another transgender teen killed by their peers has left me simply mentally and physically exhausted. I began involving myself more in the transgender community on here because I wanted this to stop. I wanted to help uplift my siblings and get them out of the pit before the whole thing caved in. It's feeling very hopeless right now for trans kids around the world and in the mean time it's also apparently my fault a trans woman I don't even know got banned I guess..

In any case. Hold your head up. We'll get through this, somehow. We always have. We always will.

[lokisprettygirl]

Under his influence (Post Avengers! Loki x female reader)

Read chapter 14 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 15

Summary : Loki is afraid you won't desire him once you see him for who he is.

Warning: 18+ things get steamy at the end, mention of sex, mention of periods, mention of psychological torture, angst, insecurities, self deprecating behaviour, also Melissa again, Loki having severe internalised racism (he'll get better i promise)

The room was pindrop silent. You looked around and Melissa who had screamed bloody murder just now and wanted to leave, sat back down again. That bitch needed a lesson in humility.

Captain seemed a little bit shaken by the sight in front of him, he had never seen Loki in this form, nobody had, not even his brother. You looked at Thor, and he was equally shocked. You couldn't stop staring at Loki, he was bigger, at least a foot taller than how he looked in his Asgardian form, those ridges on his skin seemed beautiful, he looked like a piece of art, something historic, something you' wanted to cherish with all your heart.

You stepped a little forward since you knew you had no shoes on so your feet won't make any noise, big mistake because Loki looked to the side as you reached closer, he took a sniff as if he could smell you, there was a brief moment when he looked right into your eyes or so you thought, they were teary again. He couldn't see you though, right?

You were there, your scent reached his senses and he just knew you were around him. This is not how he wanted you to find out about this monstrous side of him. Why did you come here? What if someone would have caught you?

"Bring me my shield" Rogers asked Hawkeye so Loki averted his gaze and snickered,

"Changed your mind, captain? I thought we were going hand to hand"

"We are, my shield is a part of me" Steve sneered at him.

"Actually that's--" Tony was about to say something but Steve glared at him. Wow Captain America had no expressions even when he seemed angry.

"Whatever helps you sleep tonight captain" Loki retorted.

"He's like a yeti, big scary freaky yeti, but I can't stop staring, it's like staring at something sooo unnatural..it's crazy isn't it" Melissa commented on his appearance yet again and she was speaking to Jane, Loki didn't even bother looking at her this time.

"Why don't you just be quiet or better yet..leave?" Jane replied. Thanks Jane.

Before anyone could say anything else, they both charged at each other, Loki was merciless, you had to take a step back and had to close your eyes every second because you couldn't stand the sight of the captain being beaten up so ruthlessly.

Act of physical violence wasn't something you could digest easily. You heard him growling and he was burning with an animalistic rage. He was tired of feeling like a weakling, he was tired of these people and their hatred towards him, he was sick of their taunts and their ignorant behaviour towards the threat that was out to destroy them all. He felt an intense amount of guilt for killing agent Coulson but it got worse when these people never failed to remind him of what he had done that day.

You were there and you wanted him to fight for himself, you were right, he was a god and these people needed to know that they couldn't just push him around like a puppet all the time. Even though the fight was brutal Rogers wasn't backing out, Tony and Clint intervened and tried to drag him away from Loki but his pride was bigger than his life for him, after a point Thor had to come and he grabbed Loki but you could see him struggling to keep him from attacking again.

"Just stop both of you" Bruce banner interrupted between the fight and you could see the vein in his neck threatening to burst, he was looking all green already so Natasha came forward and took his hand in hers to calm him down. What was that all about?

Rogers was taken away for medical assistance and you noticed that Pepper, Jane and Melissa were leaving as well so you followed them, as much as you wanted to stay and comfort Loki you didn't want to get caught and ruin everything for you both.

"God what an animal...ughhhhj " Melissa commented as soon as they all stepped out.

"Aren't you supposed to be in love with him?' Jane asked her and Melissa rolled her eyes.

"I am and that's why I can accept this ugly disgusting side of him, you're lucky to have Thor who's just perfect with no flaws whatsoever" Melissa said and with every word you heard from her, your hatred for her only increased, you didn't think you had ever hated anyone as much as her in the moment.

As you all stepped out of the elevator, you pulled her hair very harshly before you hobbled towards Loki's room. You heard her pained screaming as she looked behind to see who had done that but she found nobody. You wished that would have been enough but it wasn't. She was continuously hurting Loki and you didn't think you'd be able to take it for long.

"Brother are you alright?" Thor walked towards Loki who had collapsed on his knees in the training room.

"I shouldn't have done that should I?" Loki looked up at him, his eyes filled with tears, Thor has never seen his brother in this form before so it was a bit of an adjustment.

"Well they're not going to like it for sure, he did have it coming though " Loki sighed at the response.

"This is not how i wanted her to see me the first time " Loki mumbled making Thor confused

"Lady Melissa?"

"Y/n"

"She was here?" Thor raised his brow in a questioning manner.

"I could sense that she was, her scent was all over the space"

"Really? What does she smell like?" Thor chuckled,

"How come it's relevant?" Loki raised his brows, except he didn't have brows, those ridges that were present all over his skin merely gave an allusion of the brows "She smells sweet, especially when she's nearing her menstr-"

"Alright I get it" Thor interrupted him before he would be scarred further "Why are you worried about her seeing you?"

"You saw how everyone was looking at me and what that Melissa said" his voice strained because of the bubbling emotions "I brought her here all alone, and now she must think I am some giant monster who could hurt her any minute"

"You're not a monster loki"

"I am the monster we had vowed to eliminate remember?"

"We were just childrens Loki, I didn't know any better but I do now and I know Jotuns deserve the same respect that Asgardians do, but are you willing to accept that?" Loki didn't respond as Thor said that, he just got up, changed back to his aesir form and picked up his shirt from the floor to put it on before he left for his room.

He was nervous going back to the room, he was scared you'd tell him off and would demand to go back, he feared that he'd lose your affection because of who he actually was, whenever you asked him about his jotun traits, he kept his answers to bare minimum, he never described how he looked, he always told you that they were big and blue but he never described his monstrous eyes or those deep ridges on his skin, he never told you that he was a hairless freak, never told you that his skin felt so rough to touch.

As he opened the door to his room he found you on the bed with your phone in your hand, the cloak was placed neatly folded on the side of the bed where he had left it for you.

Perhaps there was a possibility that you weren't there, he didn't want to lose you so soon. He didn't want to lose you at all.

"Hiii" you smiled as you crawled on the bed to reach towards the frontal edge where he was standing, you got on your knees making sure you weren't putting much pressure on your ankle, because of the pills you weren't feeling any pain but you knew it wouldn't be wise to put strain on your sprained ankle. There were small bruises on his face that he had gotten because of the fight so you cupped his cheeks and kissed him, his hair was curly and messy as well.

"I missed you" you mumbled softly and his arms wrapped around your waist before he placed his head down on your shoulder.

"What's wrong?" You asked him so he pulled away a little to look at you, why weren't you running away from him? Why weren't you disgusted by him if you saw him? Perhaps his senses were wrong and you weren't there.

He took a step away from you, the distance between your bodies grew as he continued to step back.

"You were there" he mumbled as he placed his hands on his waist. It wasn't a question but a statement so you sighed and sat down on your hips so your thighs weren't straining.

"Are you upset?" You asked him so he tilted his head, the question confirmed that his intuitions were correct.

"You could have been caught"

"I know, that was very foolish of me I'm sorry" you mumbled softly so he walked towards you, he cupped your cheeks and made you look up to his tall frame so you were meeting his eyes.

"You saw me" he said, his voice sounded defeated and it made your heart sink,

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you scared?" You crossed your arms as he said that, the position would seem really funny if someone were to click your pictures because he was still holding your cheeks between his palms.

"Why would I be scared of you Loki?" You questioned him, your voice showed no sign of fear or disgust, you grabbed onto his wrist, turned your head a little to kiss on his right palm before you slid them down and lifted yourself up on your knees again, even when you were on the bed he was still taller than you, your arms wrapped around his neck, fingers caressing his nape gently as you questioned him again

"Why would I be scared of you baby?" His eyes teared up at the firm but tender sound of your voice.

"Because I'm a monster and you should be afraid of me" your heart broke for him as he said that. You saw the years worth of pain and insecurities swimming in those eyes.

"You think you're a monster? Why?"

You questioned him as your lips pressed small kisses on every little bruises he had on his face.

"Did you not see me? I am nothing more than an animal, an incorrigible monster that's going to hurt you" he spoke so you looked at him before you kissed him, he cupped your cheeks again and responded to the kiss with equal urgency, when you pulled away he pressed his forehead down on yours to regain his composure. His words still clenched your heart and you just wanted to comfort him, not just with your words but also physical affection, you knew how much he loved to be taken care of whenever he was vulnerable and you were going to take care of him

"You won't hurt me lo" he heard your voice but his mind couldn't stop being so cruel to him, why weren't you disgusted by him? One of his hand wrapped around your throat and you felt his thumb and forefingers putting a gentle pressure on the sides of of your neck, the gesture made your head tilt upwards involuntarily.

He wasn't hurting you, not even in the slightest, but the idea of having his hand around your throat in such a manner aroused you, and then out of nowhere you were picturing him in his Frost giant form, you closed your eyes as you envisioned the godly giant you had seen just a few minutes ago, you pictured his large hand around your throat and then you imagined your average sized human body rubbing against his giant blue one. Holy shit you had discovered a new kink just now.

"What if I do?" He asked you before he pressed his lips on yours again and kissed you roughly.

"You are not going to hurt me lo, if there's one thing I know about you then it's the fact that you would never ever hurt me in that way, I trust you more than I trust anyone really. You're not a monster and you could never be..you're just a Frost giant and you're supposed to look different" he let go of his grip on your neck only to curl his hand behind your head and pulled you closer to kiss you again, you clutched on his shirt as you sat back down on the bed carefully, the kiss never broke as you laid down with him on top of you,

"It's not easy for me to accept who I am and it's even harder to think of you willing to touch me when I look like that" he whispered meekly, you wished you could have just taken away all of that self loathing from him but you knew it will take time, you had plethora of issues yourself to understand that it was never easy.

"Oh looo..it's okay baby, someday when you're not feeling this way I would love to see you as you again, you're beautiful in every form and every shape" your voice sounded barely audible as you wrapped your legs around him,

The dress you had on pooled around your thighs in the process, his hands roamed all over your bare thighs as he kissed you passionately.

"You would? You would want to see me like that?" He asked as if he couldn't believe that his princess really wanted to see him like that,

"See you and touch you and kiss you all over" his lips latched to yours as you whispered sweet nothings in his ears.

Everytime you two indulged in something remotely close to a sexual experience he felt your body getting warmer with every passing second, your face always seemed so flushed, he brought one of his hands up to play with your hair while the other one rubbed circles on the insides of your thighs. The warmth radiating from your frame underneath him always riled him up, it was the contrasting feeling against his cold one that affected him so deeply. He wanted you to melt underneath him while you'd just continue to keep him so hard and cold on top of him

"I love you"

As soon as he heard the sound escaping your throat everything paused around him, his nerves kept fluttering as he pulled himself up a little and looked at you, a look of bewilderment clearly visible on his face.

"I know it's probably too soon and I shouldn't be-" before you could finish your babbling nonsense he had his thumb pressed on your lips.

"Say it again…please" you smiled as he said that. He seemed as if he was in shock, wanting to hear the confession again but at the same time he was still astonished, the timing of the confession couldn't have been more glorious, he walked into this room thinking you'd be scared of him in the least but now you were telling him that you loved him.

"I love you lo, I know I do, for once in my life i know that I am in love and i love you.. so much and it scares me because I don't think I'll ever be able to fall in love again with someone who is not you, I always dreamt of a man like you and I found you, it's nothing less than a miracle for me"

As soon as you finished speaking, he placed his forearms down on the bed on either side of your head and kissed you, his tongue slipped past your lips so you sucked on it like a popsicle, he was so cold and he always tasted so sweet, he was a dream come true to life.

"I love you" he mumbled softly,

"You do?" Your eyes teared up as he said that, you feared that he was just saying it to please you. And it scared you eve more when you realised that this was it. Where would you two go from here? You never had guys stick around with you once the honeymoon phase had ended, so you didn't really know what to expect. You just didn't want to lose him so soon or ever really.

"I do, I don't know how to describe these emotions that I have for you other than those words, granted i have only ever said them to one woman before you, my mother" you chuckled as he said that

"You never fell in love before lo? That's a long life to go without love, I was losing my mind at just 30" he nodded as you said that.

"Perhaps i was searching for the heat myself, all I had to do was find you..right place at the right time"

You smiled before you pulled him closer to you, he placed his head between the crook of your neck and you embraced him as tightly as you could.

Your phone had started to ring so you sighed and picked it up, it was your mom so you sat up and talked to her. She was just asking about your injury so you told her that you were feeling better.

"What are we going to do now?" You asked him as you hung up the phone, he was standing at the edge of the bed thinking about it.

"Well I have to feed you first, I'll go get something" he mumbled so you crawled towards him and hugged him.

"Is it bad that I want to kill Melissa?"

"Not really, want to do it together? " you giggled as he said that. After kissing you he picked you up and took you to the bathroom since you wanted to shower before dinner. Once you came out you caught him knitting something on the couch, he was so engrossed that he didn't hear the door opening, he was quick to make the needles and the fabric disappear as your eyes met with him. You wanted to say something but decided to not do so since he already seemed so embarassed.

As you sat down next to him, he wrapped his arm around your waist and picked you up to make you sit on his lap.

"I think you should wear my clothes tomorrow"

"Mmmhmmm you want that? I can do it now" You told him so he put you down on the couch before he hopped towards his closet excitedly to bring one of his shirts for you, he turned around so you could change, you buttoned it all the way up but you were clearly drowning in them. After dinner he showered before you two watched a movie on the couch, you were laying on his lap so you turned on your back once the movie finished.

"I had a weird dream this afternoon" his brows furrowed as you said that.

"What did you see?" He questioned as his fingers scratched your scalp gently

"It was so weird, I was at a party or something, dancing"

"You love dancing "

"I do..don't i?" He giggled as you said that "I was feeling thirsty or tired so I went to the bar, guess who I met there looking sexy as ever in a black fancy suit?"

"Little one if it's not me you need to tone down the excitement" you hit on his chest playfully as he said that.

"It was you but we didn't know each other and then out of nowhere you asked me to dance and we were dancing to that song, remember when we smoked weed and I was playing that sexy song?"

"I remember very well" he smiled

"Yeah and there was this intense heat between us, but apparently I was going through a divorce and you won't believe who my ex husband was"

"I hope it's not my brother"

"Noooo ..it was that doctor guy I met yesterday, Stephen " his brows furrowed again as you said that

"What else do you remember?"

"Not much, oh ..I asked you why you were there at the party and you said Stephen had called you for something, I mean what would a neurosurgeon want from you? And how would he even contact you.. it was so silly" you shrugged as you played with the buttons of his shirt. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed you unbuttoning them slowly. He also had a weird dream about you and now this, for some reason these dreams didn't feel like just dreams. He snapped out of his thoughts as he felt your lips on his neck, sucking softly.

"Mmmm darling?"

"Mmmhhmm!"

"Did you play that sexy song on purpose" you pulled away to look at him as he said that.

"Maybe" he smiled before he picked you up and walked towards the bed.

His room was dimly lit but you could see him perfectly, as he put you down on the bed, he took his shirt off that you had already unbuttoned. He lifted your feet up to inspect the injury, his fingers rubbed slowly over the area, he just wanted to heal whatever discomfort you were feeling at the moment.

"Come here" you put your hand forward so he grabbed it and you pulled him on top of you.

"You drive me insane, you know that? I feel like a hormonal teenager around you, I never thought I'd ever find a man who would make me feel this way" you whispered softly, a smile adorned his beautiful face with your words, his fingers linked with yours before he placed your hands over your head and kissed you passionately.

Unhooking his hands from yours he slowly sneaked them inside your shirt, His hips moved slowly over your clothed heat, strings of moan left your mouth at the building sensation. He laid down on his side much to your disappointment but then you felt his hand between your legs, he rubbed slowly up and down before his hand slipped past the waistband of your shorts, you moaned his name out loud as he cupped your mound,

"Is this alright darling?" He whispered in your ear and it made you feel hotter somehow.

"Please don't stop" the whiny tone of your voice made his jaw clench, he could feel your wetness seeping through the fabric, he placed the tip of his thumb on your clit and rolled them in circles, the action made you arch your back, one of your arm wrapped around his neck to hold him while the other one gripped the bed sheet, his lips sucked onto your neck, soft wet kisses felt like an assault on your already heightened senses.

"You're such a pretty girl..look at you" he whispered softly, you bit on your lips as he stimulated your clit with his skilled fingers, no words came out of your mouth except moans of his name. He wasn't even touching your bare skin but your whole body felt aflamed,

"Lo…oh god please" your thighs squeezed around his hand, the desperate need to hump him like this made your hips buck back and forth involuntarily..

"I have never been so patient with a woman darling, never took so long to bed her, but for you I'd wait forever if you'd want me to. Watching you amidst this whirlpool of scintillating pleasure feels as if all the norns in all of the realms came together just to bless me with a little goddess of my own" your eyes teared up with overwhelming emotions, the ministration of his fingers and his words flooded your heart with such happiness that you never thought you'd find, you only found them in your fantasies but this was better than all of your fantasies, it was everything because it was real.

Your body convulsed as the orgasm swept you away in one quick wave, it was intense, it took your breath away.

He moaned by the sight of your writhing form, his fingers continued their torture on your cunt while he used his other hand to stroke your head like a pet.

"Looo…" the whiny sound of his name slipped past your lips making him smile

"That's it little one, that's my good girl, so beautiful.. i love you" he kissed you briefly before he rested his head on his own arm, his eyes traveled back and forth from your face and heaving breasts. He was so proud of himself at the moment.

"Goddd you're a god ..for real" he chuckled as you said that.

The mischievous smile didn't last however when you immediately cupped his bulge and gave him a gentle squeeze.

"My turn"

You lifted yourself up and he was now laying on his back, he kept looking at you and once in a while he'd put his head up to watch your hands rubbing his cock slowly.

"I'm so unbelievably wet"

"Mmmmhmmm?" He smirked but he noticed the frown on your face.

"What's wrong?" You squeezed your eyes shut as your stomach twisted painfully, you immediately stopped touching him as you sat up.

"I think I'm on my periods"

😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑

Note : Weirdest ending to a chapter i have ever written. Next chapter will be weirder as poor blue balled loki frantically trying to find period products for her 🤣

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#loki x female reader #loki x reader fluff #loki #loki x reader smut #loki x reader #loki x reader insert #loki x you #loki x reader angst #loki x reader fic #post avengers loki #canon divergent au #soft loki

[xjulixred45x]

Since I'm in the Helluva Boss Mood, I'm going to talk about something that I hope doesn't get me crucified.

I.ABSOLUTELY. HATE. THE .STOLYTZ.

Although I only realized this year.

If we go for the bases, we go with the bases.

✨NEITHER OF THE TWO KNOWS THE BASICS OF A STABLE RELATIONSHIP✨

Stolas was put in an arranged marriage as a child, having an EXTREMELY absent father and living in a turbulent relationship (which became abusive at times, with quiet moments but well, I don't think it would last long) with Stella. We are not told that Stolas has tried to be unfaithful in the past, so Stolas has no REAL EXPERIENCE in HEALTHY relationships to enter into one.

Blitz is much worse in this regard. He had an alcoholic father who left him in the background ALL the time above his best friend, and having to take care of his mother. He accidentally causes an accident that ends up killing his mother, leaves his best friend disabled, his sister hates him, etc.

Blitz, unlike Stolas, did have more relationships before him, but we know that they all ended BAD, especially VEROSIKA (there are even hints that she wanted to help him with his bad situation but he pushed her away) and as such it only did more harm than good .

all this without counting episode 1/season 2

Stolas clung TOO much to the good memory he had of Blitz, but to him it didn't mean HALF of what it meant to Stolas (since he already had positive things in his life like his sister, his mother and Fizz) so what? What does an adult with zero knowledge of healthy affection and ZERO experience in real relationships do? HE MANIPULATES TO GET WHAT HE WANTS.

Which brings me to my second point.

✨THE IMBALANCE OF POWER✨

If we ignore the fact that Imps are considered the lowest race in hell (because like all forms of racism, it is STUPID reasoning) even so the biggest red flag is the huge imbalance of decision-making power that exists in the relationship.

Blitz only wanted Stolas' book, HE REALIZED and what did he do? HE MADE A SEXUAL "ARRANGEMENT"(ABUSE, BC THE SEX CAN'T NEVER EVER BE A COIN TO TREAT WITH)WITH BLITZ TO GIVE HIM HIS BOOK (which HE KNEW HE NEEDED) ALL IN ORDER TO GET CLOSE TO HIM.

This is a monumental ABUSE OF POWER by Stolas! because at the end of the day he is the one who decides whether he gets the book or not (he knows it is VITAL for his work, WHAT HE LIVES ON) AND he tries to excuse it with the fact that it is a "way to spend time with him" EXCUSE ME !?!?

First of all, how the hell was Blitz supposed to realize that Stolas "loved" him if in episode one they literally had to censor everything that Stolas wanted to do in bed with Blitz? (and it's like that until chapter 6-7 where he begins to act more affectionately)

THERE ARE A THOUSAND WAYS TO INVITE SOMEONE OUT AND YOU HAD TO CHOOSE THE MOST ASSHOLE AND TOXIC ONE OF ALL. Abuse of power, control, poor communication, THERE'S EVERYTHING HERE, I'M IN CHERNOBYL!

AND IT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST.

Just because! There are toxic relationships that are fine to show on screen, especially in this case, gay/lesbian couples are rarely put under a toxic air, so there was A LOT to take away.

but the WORST thing is how ROMANTICIZED IT IS and as if BY FORCE they want you to 1) feel sorry for Stolas/get angry with Blitz or 2) that you SHIP THEM...

WHAT

Look, I like both characters, their stories are interesting and I like their personalities. the episodes focusing on JUST ONE of them are very good, but that's the point.

✨THE QUALITY DECLINES EVERY TIME THEY ARE TOGETHER ✨

Stolas is much more likable when he's being the prince of hell who's going through a turbulent divorce, dealing with his teenage daughter who he adores, singing songs to said daughter, helping other Demon Lords (I'm looking at you Asmodeus), etc.

Blitz seems much happier being with Millie and Moxxie killing people, talking about Loona, doing his job, getting into trouble with humans and being a complete bloodthirsty.

BOTH SHINE BRIGHTER BEING SEPARATED, NOT TOGETHER.

If you ignore the whole romance thing, they are good characters, but they forcefully want to introduce this drama...

ahg....it's late, I have school tomorrow, don't kill me for my honest opinion. If I think of anything else I'll edit it.

love ya❤️❤️❤️❤️

#helluva boss #helluva blitzo #helluva boss stolas #helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism #i bloody LOVE helluva boss but i see their flass really clearly now... #anti stolitz

[starlooove]

The reason recent canon batfam sucks is because they have plotlines that could be fun but utilize fanon interpretation btw. “They can’t even write tim” the tim you like DOESNT exist and has NEVER existed. He started existing and it fucked up so many pre existing INTERESTING dynamics and potential situations that it got boring as fuck. Same with literally everyone else

#characters like Damian getting the same storyline over and over is racism #but fanon Is a lot more racist than canon and I’ll say it with my chest #at least canon gave Damian friends and growth at least once #y’all are still hemming and hawing over that fucking dinosaur tim doesn’t even care about anymore #whenever anything interesting or complicated happens it’s ooc and ‘don’t writers know we want happy family dynamics 😕’ #that anxiety thing Bruce did to Jason #sucks and all but far far more interesting than ANYTHING fanon has EVER come up with #canon is cool ideas done poorly and fanon is poor ideas done worse #and don’t get me wrong some fanon stuff is fun #like SUPER fun #but the idea that ‘fanon is better bc dc can’t write 🥺’ #I’m never gonna defend DC writers as a whole but YALL CANT EITHER #copy pasting found family templates onto characters admitting you haven’t and never will read a comic and turning around to shit on shit #you have NEVER read #some of y’all still think dick wanted tim in Arkham or that Jason never killed unless necessary #like fuck y’all are so irritating #if fanon wasn’t so racist and even worse BORING that poll wouldn’t be so egregious like fuck #like the racism is everywhere but batfandom has deluded itself into believing it’s unique when it’s kooky but quiet dad Bruce immortal #Alfred silly big bro dick who has quiiiite the temper gaurd dog Jason who made some mistakes but regrets everything coffee addict tim who’s #only flaw is insecurity and not caring for himself enough quiet dragon lady cass who can be sassy waffle loving sillay Steph murderous #borderline evil Damian who’s life’s goal is to destroy tim and nervous new Duke. #and don’t forget Barbara Is computer girlboss #like it’s just so. bland. maybe DC doesn’t listen to you bc ur fucking stupid s

[trans-axolotl]

Image description: [Screenshots of pages from Brilliant Imperfection by Eli Clare. Text reads:

Your Suicide Haunts me.

Bear, it’s been over a decade since you killed yourself, and still I want to howl. I feel anguish and rage rattling down at the bottom of my lungs, pressing against my rib cage. If ever my howling erupts, I will take it to schoolyards and churches, classrooms and prisons, homes where physical and sexual violence lurk as common as mealtime. I know many of us need to wail. Together we could shatter windows, bring bullies and perpetrators to their knees, stop shame in its tracks.

Once a week, maybe once a month, I learn of another suicide. They’re friends of friends, writers and dancers who have bolstered me, activists I’ve sat in meetings with, kids from the high school down the road, coworkers and acquaintances, news stories and Facebook posts. They’re queer, trans, disabled, chronically ill, youth, people of color, poor, survivors of abuse and violence, homeless. They’re too many to count.

Bear, will you call their names with me? It’s become a queer ritual, this calling of the names—all those dead of AIDS and breast cancer, car accidents and suicide, hate violence and shame, overdoses and hearts that just stop beating. The names always begin wave upon wave, names filling conference halls, church basements, city parks. Voices call one after another, overlapping, clustering, then coming apart, a great flock of songbirds, gathering to fly south, wheeling and diving—this cloud of remembrance. Then quiet. I think we’re done, only to have another voice call, then two, then twenty. We fill the air for thirty minutes, an hour, a great flock of names. Tonight, will you sit with me? Because, Bear, I can’t sleep.

I remember your smile, your kindness, your compassionate and fierce politics. I remember our long e-mail conversations about being disabled and trans. I remember a brilliant speech you gave at True Spirit, a trans gathering in Washington, DC. I remember you telling me about how you’d disappear for months at a time when your life became grim, how you’d do anything not to go to a psych hospital again. I remember your handsome Black queer trans disabled working-class self. And then, you were gone.

The details of your death haunt me. You had checked yourself in. You were on suicide watch. I imagine your desperation and suffering. I know racism, transphobia, classism colluded. The nurses and aides didn’t follow their own protocols, not bothering to check on you every fifteen minutes. You were alive and sleeping at 5:00 a.m. and dead at 7:00 a.m.; at least that’s what their records say. Did despair clog your throat, panic coil in your intestines? In those last moments, what lingered on your tongue? I know about your death as fleetingly as your life.

Bear, I’d do almost anything to have you alive here and now, anything to stave off your death. But what did you need then? Drugs that worked? A shrink who listened and was willing to negotiate the terms of your confinement with you? A stronger support system? An end to shame and secrecy? As suffering and injustice twisted together through your body-mind, what did you need?

I could almost embrace cure without ambivalence if it would have sustained your life. But what do I know? Maybe your demons, the roller coaster of your emotional and spiritual self, were so much part of you that cure would have made no sense. You wrote not long before your death, “In a world that separates gender, I have found the ability to balance the blending of supposed opposites. In a world that demonizes non-conformity, I have found the purest spiritual expression in celebrating my otherness.”

Yes, Bear. I know that truth. Your otherness was a beautiful braid— your hard-earned trans manhood looping into your Black self, wrapped in working-class smarts and resilience, woven into disability, threaded with queerness. I saw you last in an elevator at True Spirit. You told me that you were spending the weekend hanging out with trans men of color. I can still see your gleeful smile, sparkling eyes.

Friend, what would have made your life possible with all its aches and sorrows? I ask as someone who has gripped the sheer cliff face of suicide more than once. Calling the names exhausts me. Your death exhausts me. The threat, reality, fact of suicide exhausts me. Its arrival on the back of shame and isolation exhausts me. Bear, will you come sit beside me tonight? I’m too exhausted to sleep.]

From Brilliant Imperfection: Grappling with Cure by Eli Clare, pages 63-64.

This passage has stuck with me since I first read it and I find myself returning over and over, especially in the times I want to be gentle to my grief.

Thought I'd share it with you all right now <3

#personal #suicide tw #psych wards tw #grief #disability justice #psych abolition #mad liberation #mad pride #antipsych #recommend this book so so so much. dm me if you want a pdf #poetry #trans

[ardourie]

why do people think that trump is going to murder every single person of colour like a racist supervillain. hes gonna kill and imprison just as many as joe

bc they are unable to see racism as anything other than “loud racism” if someone doesnt outright say they hate immigrants and black ppl or yell slurs those types think it doesnt count, despite “quiet racism” being more harmful, racism requires a societal acceptance, it is subconscious and taught to give you biases, extremist are easy to point out and denounce, but the store attendant following me around, or the lady who “accidentally” calls me colored at a public event, or the man who voted for segregation fifty years ago but thinks to himself “well black people have rights now i shouldn’t feel bad” are the majority of the racist in america, they are the liberal, the status quo, the system requires them to accept condone and perpetuate “quiet racism” bc everything is reliant on that

#💌

[genderkoolaid]

was thinking about why marginalized people often use slurs in describing oppression. like in the phrase "magical negro", or using the term "cripple" or "tranny" when talking about how people see us. its not reclamation, it's more about specifically forcing the dominant group to face their bias.

bc when it comes to overt forms of bigotry, there isn't really the need to do this. the bigot will very directly tell you why they hate you- because you are a [slur], a stand-in for everything the believe about the group they hate (being unnatural, criminals, dirty, sinful, ugly, a drain on society, etc).

but generally those kinds of overt bigotry are harder to have in polite society, especially when the marginalized group in question has enough visibility and has been loud enough about their treatment that people have to acknowledge it. now, saying you hate black people or trans people or immigrants is a social faux pas, and people acknowledge that hating those groups is Bad.

but anything less than hatred is still looked over, because critically examining how our actions contribute to social patterns is Hard and requires abstract thinking, and it's much easier to just get rid of the most blatant forms of bigotry and wipe your hands of the whole nasty "systemic oppression" issue. overt bigots are bad, ostensibly because of their bigotry, but largely because they just are so gauche about it, you know? it's easy for Good Liberals in the US north to mock the gun-obsessed fat Southern man caricature who doesn't believe in climate change and says slurs, but they often get quiet and awkward if someone brings up the liberal white woman from New York who quickly locks her door when a Black man walks by her car on the sidewalk. She doesn't hate black people, so she can't be racist- there's a world of difference (in her mind) between herself and the Racist. even if, whether it's through gun violence on private property or calling the cops because she feels scared, a Black man gets killed because a white person's racist bias.

getting back to the original point about slurs: using them in this context forces people to recognize that all of that bias is the same. your racism, transphobia, ableism, isn't different just because you use nice words. dominant groups get uncomfortable when marginalized groups use slurs to point out their bigotry (i.e "you want me to be a good tranny") because it draws a direct connection between the blatant, socially unacceptable bigotry and the socially acceptable, low-key bigotry. a lot of times, society reacts to oppressed groups fighting for liberation by addressing the most obvious elements while allowing and encouraging the subtle elements, so that way they calm down and stop causing problems, but society doesn't have to meaningfully change. drawing that connection pulls the cover off of society. no more "but I don't hate immigrants so I'm not xenophobic!", because xenophobia isn't just ICE officers keeping kids in cages, it's also getting annoyed with people who have strong accents because why can't they just learn to speak English better and making every movie set in Eastern Europe have a blue filter so you know it's Foreign and Sad.

basically, slurs are used as a weapon to remind marginalized groups of every stereotype about them, and "put them in their place". but they can also be used to force polite bigots to face their own bigotry, blowing away the smokescreen of "only violent oppression is real oppression". There's a power to be found in bringing your issues into the light when the world would really rather you sit pretty and smile and thank it for doing the bare minimum while still making your life hell.

#m. #I'm just rambling but it was interesting thinking abt the reasons we do this #bc polite bigotry is so fucking annoying #ive always hated the conflation of violence w bigotry #and how people will insist they CANT be bigoted because they aren't literally a neonazi #also a lot of times ppl will complaining about how ''everything is bigoted now!!'' because they don't understand how sociology works #but that's another issue #racism #homophobia #transphobia #ableism #eugenics #transandrophobia #antiblackness

[in3rci4]

Can I Get An Angst With All The Boys, Basically They Never Believed The Reader, And They Get In An Argument Because They Thought Reader Drew Over Gwen's Homework ( I Saw It On TikTok ), And Basically In The End Moose Confesses It Was Him, But It's Too Late, After The Reader Said : " I'd Rather Get Kidnapped By The Grabber, Then Stay With You Assholes, You Think Everything's My Fault ", Reader Gets Kidnapped, And Like I Said, Moose Confesses, But It's Too Late, And They Regret It But It's Too Late? Sorry IF It's Too Much To Ask, You Don't Have To Do It If You Don't Want To, But I've Never Seen Someone Do That, So I Would Love What You Comes Up With ❤️❤️

Jsjskskdkdkk this is gonna be interestingly hard to do , but I appreciate that you trust my writing and sent your request , i really needed so I don't slow back 😭🫶

" IF I ONLY I KNEW , THE LAST TIME WOULD BE DIFFERENT "

PROMPT : Reader is confronted by the The Black Phone boys about something they didn't do , and that would be the last time reader would be seen alive before getting kidnapped killed by The Grabber

Characters included : Finney Blake , Gwendolyn Blake , mention of Susan / Suzanne { Gwendolyn's friend } Bruce Yamada , Amy Yamada , Robin Arellano , mention of the two jackass dudes on Gwen's vision about Vance , Vance hopper , Griffin Stagg , Billy Showalter , Buzz , Matt , Patt , Moose ( idk his last name )

Author's note : I'm really sorry if this isn't what you wanted , but I believed that in some cases it would be practical or better to write in different yet similar situations excluding Gwen's direct participation or writing the exact phrase you told me and changing it instead for every character, hope you like it anyway , I really enjoyed writing this 👍✨

WARNINGS ! : ANGST , DOMESTIC VIOLENCE , MENTION OF KIDNAPPING , DEATH , MINOR ABDUCTION , LONG ASS HEADCANONS , BULLYING , UNFAIR SITUATIONSHIP , RACISM , SLUT / FAT SHAMING , EATING DISORDER ¿? , THREATENING , ANIMAL ABUSE / DEATH , GAS LIGHTING ¿? MANIPULATION ¿? HOMOPHOBIA , MENTION OF SUICIDE , NO USE OF Y/N , PLATONIC / GENDER NEUTRAL READER , POSSIBLE SPELLING MISTAKES , VIOLENCE , BLOOD , ETC

FINNEY BLAKE

His little sister is someone that will share everything with him , her celebrity crushes , her latest gossip , her favorite new book , etc , and he would listen everytime even if he didn't care that much about it

But Finney noticed that she was more quiet lately , but Gwenny would always say she was tired , and that's it .

Until one day she confessed his older brother that she had some of her notebooks pages scratched , tore apart and with really awful drawings and messages , some really gruesome to describe a little girl . Finney was of course mad , because did not only Gwen hide something from him , but there's someone messing with his sister that he knows she didn't mess with first

Gwen defended herself saying that she was trying to find who did it but she couldn't do it , until yesterday , when she asked her classmates once again who did it and they said that someone older enter her classroom when her backpack was still there

Suzanne , her best friend , added new information about the situation : She saw you entering to her classroom with color papers rolled up

He knew you from the mathematics class , so when he saw you escaping trough the empty hallways , he followed you , and decided to confront you

" Stop it , I need to talk with you "

You turned around and saw him grabbing tight his backpack shoulder strap

" You need to stop doing those things to my sister , she's only a 6th grader and didn't do anything to you , it's not ok to draw those disgusting things and write that stuff on Gwen's notebooks , you're older than her , you should know that "

On Finney's perspective , he was in front of a kid of his same age that has been bothering his sister not only in a anonymously way , but in a constant way too , trying , no , decided , to make them back off from her

But in your perspective , you woke up and didn't have the opportunity to eat even an apple as a breakfast because your parents started to bark at each other again and then you , when they couldn't find the keys of the car and saw you existing on your house

Who would guess that the only time you entered on a 6th grade classroom was to put some color papers for the kids by your art's teacher orders ?

You obviously got offended , and started to tell your version of the story , you were not only dealing with your family madness once again , but this too ?

When he saw you not backing off and not telling " the truth " he told you to stop playing the innocent / victim card and just accept what you " did"

You couldn't simple just pretend you didn't call slut shaming names to a child .

His insistence , the way he was talking , gas lighting you like your parents did before , triggered something in you that made you started to blurry your vision and just walk away when your tears started to fall down your face

Not exactly aware where you going , you walked away from school , and sat on the edge of the side walk hiding hour face in your arms and legs

That's when you heard a strange voice say

" Why's the river dear child ? Would magic make those tears disappear ? "

2 weeks after that encounter your missing person poster was all over the town .

One of those days once again , Gwen finds in her notebook a bad quality drawing of you dead with a speech bubble that had " It wasn't me" written on it

Finney was ready to walk home side by side with Gwen but she had a serious expression on her face this time , without saying nothing , she takes her notebook and shows the drawing of you to him

The siblings could never look at your photos again without feeling guilty , 3 days after you went missing the unholy trinity bastards of Buzz , Matt and Patt admitted the fault , making them feel stupid for not thinking about them as suspects of it in the first place

Specially Finney , who can't stop thinking that he was the last person that saw you alive , yet that time he made you cry , he made you go away

He was the one that has the fault for your gone , and he has to live with the feeling . All .His . Life .

BRUCE YAMADA

Coming back from chilling on a friend's house Bruce goes upstairs to change clothes on his bedroom but when he was on the hallway of the second floor he hears quiet sobs coming from his little sister's place

Confused , he puts his ear close the door to hear better and knocks at the girl's door , but there was no answer , she continued crying

Slowly , he opened the door of her bedroom , and found his little sister Amy sitting on the floor with her cheeks all wet from so many tears dropping from her eyes . Bruce had to admit that lately he and his sister weren't close like they used to , him being a teenager and stuff

But even then , he sat next to her and rubbed her back asking what happened and why she was so sad , he was expecting the reason to be a broken toy , a nightmare , a heartbroken from her playground crush , anything

Anything... Except that someone of his class was making fun of her and breaking her favorite school notebooks and pencils , the ones she cherished the most , and threatened her to stay quiet ... The little girl being too scared of even mentioning the names of the responsable... Or responsables...

" Don't worry Amy , I will make sure they stop bothering you , I promise "

The next day when the teacher sat down to look over some papers he asked permission to talk with everyone in the classroom about what happened , and find out who did it

" Y'all probably know I have a little sister , Amy , yesterday when I came back home she told me that someone in this class was mocking her in all possible ways and breaking her stuff like favorite notebook or color pencils . If you have a problem with me , I have all the time of the world to solve however you want to , i don't care , but messing with my sister and 6th grader kid ain't right , you're supposed to know better than that , unless y'all cowards that will stay silent and not tell me the truth in the face "

The teacher was too shocked to speak with the sudden serious attitude of the star student and the people sitting on their desks were unsure to speak or react since they didn't want to messed up more and makes things more difficult more than the situation already is

Until a girl said that he should go and tell the same exact thing to you , the " guilty " one , that has been gone the entire class after asking to go to the bathroom and probably knew he was going to find it out

You in the other hand were going about to have a breakdown and didn't want it to be around everybody that categorized you as the " ugly quiet kid " from the back of the classroom , you wanted some time alone , and went to the bathroom , where you cried over those horrible thoughts in your mind until your eyes were to dry to drop more tears

You washed your face and tried to compose yourself to not look " recently sad " and did your regular breathing exercise in these cases . Now done , you went outside the bathroom , and just in a few steps , you saw Bruce

You tried to give a closed lips smile to give the " I'm ok / friendly " facade , but he didn't return the gesture , he was in fact , not as happy and smiley as the usual Bruce , he was .... Different

" You should've know I would find it out sooner or later , when did I did something wrong to you ? What Amy's had to do with this ? Why involved her ? Why mess with her instead of just , I don't know man , tell ME those things ? "

You were confused and disoriented , you couldn't put the pieces together of why Bruce was being this harsh or what he was talking about , all you did was stare

" You're not gonna say something ? You have nothing to say after breaking her stuff , telling her to die , to stop eating and to leave the country where she was born ? To a innocent little girl instead someone of your age ?"

You tried to defend yourself but it was useless , the entire group blamed you to keep the spot away from them from being guilty and nothing could change Bruce's mind about it , after all , if you were innocent , why you went out of the class on the first place ?

You didn't have the energy to keep arguing or to stay while the principal or teacher called your parents and wait for the worse to happen , for something that you didn't do , so you walked out from school and decided to head straight to your best friend's house , your only safe place

But you never got there .

That night after the Yamada's were done eating dinner , Bruce knocked her sister's door , opened when he got Amy's permission and with a smile , he told her

" Hey Amy , I just wanted to tell you that I already told the bad person to stop bothering you and they promised to stop doing it , you don't have to worry anymore "

But the smile soon fade away when Amy's asked her older brother if he told the boyfriend of the girl to stop too

And then he realized what he done ... His mistake ....

That girl was his rival baseball team pitcher's girlfriend , and since they were afraid to put anything up with Bruce due his popularity , they came for Amy instead

He would ride his bike on the way to school hoping to see you again , to apologize and start over , but he never did , he never had the chance , only your missing posters like a painful reminder of who you were are .

ROBIN ARELLANO

He's used to be called all type of names , he's a dark skin hispanic boy living in the 70's after all , although he doesn't let himself be down for it anymore , and instead he learned to be proud of who he is

So when he would see racist slurs on his desks or papers with written messages on it on his backpack , he would only sigh because how tedious it was to clean those from his desk and sometimes laugh at the creativity of some insults

But the anonymous dutch bag didn't only stayed with him , oh no ...

Not surprised at all , it wasn't Finney who would admit having insulting messages written on papers that had a long list of homophobic slurs hided on his backpack , but Gwen , who told him what was going on with his friend

With a mixed feeling of anger and sadness , he only told his buddy that It'll be over as soon as he found who's the coward behind all this , and thanked the girl with candies

It was harder to find the fucker this time , no face , no voice , no nothing , except one thing , their hand writing

He may not be math's smart , but he's for sure an astute dude . When nobody was looking and the teachers were eating lunch , he entered the classroom and started to check one by one the hand writing of Finney's classmates , comparing them with the last " letter " that they left for him

Unlucky you , your hand writing was almost exactly like the one in the paper , and with your name already known , Robin was ready to clarify some stuff with you

On your way to school you heard someone calling your name , and by your surprise , the one calling you was the second toughest kid in school , and that caught the attention of other students walking on the streets . Walking towards you , calm yet with a serious expression Robin said

" You know my friend Finney , right ? Your classmate ? The one that has to deal with your bullshit every fucking day ?"

Oooooh's were heard from the kids and you honestly started to get scared because the situation felt unreal to you

" I'm getting tired of telling this over and over , you know ? Fuck with Finney again .."

He stops , just a few steps from you

" I'll fuck with you . Get it ?"

You couldn't just stay silent so you spoke your yourself

" Excuse me but I don't have any idea of what are you talking about "

For you he only nodded in silent after you talked , in the other hand , it was taking all of Robin's inner strength to not smack your face for pretending to be clueless about this

" Finney had to deal almost A MONTH with your paper shit that has your hand writing on it , so stop pretending you're innocent , cus you ain't "

You still couldn't believe what was going on , the whispers between the crowd that you didn't know when did it formed started to get louder , but your voice was still stucked in your chest that was pumping from the adrenaline

" Don't believe me ? I'll show you "

Suddenly your arm was grabbed and everyone gasped , Robin takes a paper from his Jean's pocket and shows you a paper that has the message " Better kill yourself like your mother did faggot trash " with yes , an identical copy of your hand writing , now how can you explain yourself at this ?

As soon as the young chorus started to scream for " Fight !" you feared the worst , so unintentionally your eyes started to water up and you plead to be left alone , that it was mistake , that it wasn't you

But he didn't believe you , instead , he started to shake you while keeping the paper close to your face

" If I ever saw your hand writing again on this shitty papers I'll make you read every fucking message you wrote after I beat the shit out of you in front of everybody in school , understood ?"

You tried to explain , you tried to make him understand that it wasn't you who did everything that he said

" I said , UNDERSTOOD !?"

Defeated , you nodded , and he let you go with a disgusted expression . Not being able to handle more eyes staring at you , you walked back to your home hoping your parents were still there and didn't went to work yet , so you could at least have a shoulder to cry on

But you never went back home .

1 week before Moose and Robin's fight and 3 after your disappearance another message was found on Finney's notebook

" your cocksucker friend got the wrong one fairy bitch"

Moose got what he deserved right after , but at what costs ?

You were gone , and everytime Robin walks in the street and sees your photo on the missing posters can't stop wondering why he didn't did the right thing and looked further instead of just blaming you

But nothing that he has to say would bring you back , ever .

BILLY SHOWALTER

Billy would focus only on paying attention in class , do his homework , study and repeated all over again , it was like that since he left the football team , and it wasn't bad either

He was on the middle ground between popular and invisible , and he was thankful for it , because he didn't have to deal with a lot of people or assholes that saw him as inferior to them

But everyone has to taste suffering once in their life , right ?

At first , in his desk he would find the usual vulgar drawings and slurs that were similar as the one written all over the men's bathroom walls . They were easy to erase , no big deal

Then the messages had his name on it , but he didn't felt like a personal attack to him , his name is a common name between boys , no panic

But the messages started to be written on his notebooks and school manuals , and those were harder to erase or ignore like the previous one

Billy was pissed , he didn't had the energy to deal with a bully and his school material ruined after working so hard in keeping it on shape , but his " consolation " was that the one doing this didn't even have the courage to show their face .

They were miserable people with free time on their hands that decided to make him their target , they must be really bored to choose him though . And nothing works better for these type of garbage than ignore them

The last part being ... half true .

When the insults got boring , repetitive and easily forgettable , the no name writer took a more serious turn , took the challenge of making him mad on their own hands

His concern grew up faster when the messages talked about jumping him in the hour of his paper news delivery , writing his house direction repeatedly and scary drawings of dead dogs

Now he couldn't let it slide . Not with his dog , not with his best friend , not with her . He needed to put a stop to this , needed to find who

He packed his stuff more slower this time watching over his shoulder wich classmates were faster to go and who stayed longer to leave

And you , he never noticed before , always were the last one to leave

He went to the cafeteria to buy a snack and time and went back to the classroom , he walked into the classroom and , oh surprise , you were there again

Billy didn't understand why you hated him so much , he doesn't mess with anybody on this god damn school , but now he doesn't have time to listen your reasons , now you will listen to him

" You better stop writing that shit on my notebooks and manuals or I will tell the teacher about your sick messages "

Confused , you tried to come back to reality after you zoned out for so long to understand the situation

" I'm sorry ? What messages ?"

He step closer but never too close to you , frustrated

" Oh come on man , you're the only one that stays after class in this place , the only one that takes a eternity to walk outside the classroom , I'm tired of your fucking bullshit ! I don't fuck with anybody or you in the matter , AND YET , I have to tolerate my notebook and manuals ruined because of you ! "

You tried to speak to clarify the situation but he interrupts you with a much louder voice , you never thought it was possible to see him like this

" I better not see you at the streets or I'll throw a god damn paper new on your face , less than anything to my dog , you better not touch my fucking dog or I'll do worse than that !"

Oh no .... A ... Dog ? .... Like .... The once you had but lost recently ?

Before Billy took his backpack from the chair , he looked at you one last time

" My parents and I work hard to get what I have , you know ? ..."

You felt sorry... This isn't your fault , it's so sad what he's telling you , but-

" I don't care if you insulted me or whatever , but don't fuck with animals , they can't defend themselves... So you better watch out what you do "

That left you with a bad taste in your mouth , someone wanted to hurt his pet , his companion in his daily life an mornings of delivering

School's over , you waited for your parents to pick you up while you were thinking of what Billy told you , you really needed to tell him tomorrow that you ain't the one he's looking for . You only stayed alone on the classroom because you were grieving by your own the death of your dog

But the day tomorrow never came for you .

The same day of your kidnapping , your classmates waited for Billy to throw rocks at him while he was riding his bike , he almost fell down , and Harper almost looses her eye for those bastards

When he came back home and his mother started to patch him up , he couldn't stop thinking that he barked at you for no reason , that he didn't even let you speak for yourself , how stupid he was for letting Harper be hurt by his incompetence

Seeing your photo on the paper news was like a kick on the stomach

" I'm sorry for what I said to you ... "

But it was just a piece of paper , while the real you was buried 3 feet under the ground of that man's basement .

GRIFFIN STAGG

Griffin at first was the perfect target for bullies . Kind , non confronting , quiet , a "weak " book worm that didn't anyone either to stand up for him . With time , the same bullies got bored of him , as if they were expecting a more dramatic reaction from him , but no , he would just let it happen , and that took the " fun " of bullying him they thought

And for for many years , he would be invisible for everybody , he told himself he liked being left alone and have his privacy , but deep down , it was the acceptance to the fact that he didn't have any friends , and nobody wanted befriend him neither , not like he felt he had a lot to offer

But at least he was in peace to study , eat and read whenever he wanted to . At least he has that .

Or well , he had .

He would found his backpack on the trash can , maybe a bully confused his backpack with another poor bastard ?

But It kept happening , so that was not a confusion anymore .

Sometimes his notebooks would be all scratched all over the pages until it was full black , some manuals of his had broken pages as well His mom better not find that out

Different from the past , he tried to make it stop this time . He tried everything , changing places where he kept his things , carrying his backpack whenever he could , even changing locker combination and writing them down on a secluded notebook

But no matter what he did , how he did it and when he did it , his backpack would always have a horrible surprise waiting for Griffin to see

It was almost like some poltergeist was messing with him at this point .

He was already frustrated from so many bullshit going on , but what sent him to the edge of explosion was that the book he got from the library , " The little prince " by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry , got dipped in presumptuously dirty toilet water , a book that he needed to return or else the librarian would not allow him to take books anymore

The moment he thrown the book away back into the trash he rushed into the bathroom and cried from anger . Griffin could only ask himself , why ? Why someone wanted to ruined his life so bad ? Why after so long jerks remembered his existence ? Why or why this is happening to him ?

The next day after he had P.E he saw you taking his backpack out of the trash , and since he had so much frustration accumulated inside him , instead of rationalizing you helping him , he saw you as the persecutor of his misery , blaming you without second thought

He grabbed his backpack with disgust and anger and looked at your other arm where you held your books .... And saw the name of his recently bought book " Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury "

" Hey , that's my book , give it back ! "

You put both of your arms in front of the two of the books , the story and the big grammar manual

" What !? no ! it's mine ! I was just trying to get the backpack out of the trash ! "

He dropped his backpack harshly , he was not having it

" Cut me some slack , will ya !? I only wanted to read and do my homework like a normal person in school and you had to make my life a living hell ! The librarian lady don't trust me anymore because of you ! Give me back what it's mine !"

You tried to protect the book with your arms but Griffin with all the strength his body was grabbing your arms and trying to open them , you were really struggling to keep fighting much longer

The moment you dropped the books he took fast as light switch the one he was looking for , but you didn't want him to go away with your favorite book , so you both started to pull harder to get it

But the book was teared apart as you both fall into the ground , you with only the half of the cover , and he with the broken book

" Look what you've done ! You ruined another book again ! "

Frustrated at the boy's attitude you got up from the ground and went after the teacher's to call your family because " you started to feel sick " , and lucky you , they were planning on taking you out for lunch

Your family noticed that you were more quiet than usual , but you only said you were tired ... Tired of regretting to help someone and get your stuff stolen so much

Outside the restaurant , you saw trough the window a puppy that started to look around and seemed lost , you tried to tell your family about it , but you couldn't see exactly where did they go

You went outside , it was just a one sec thing .

You called the puppy and put your hand close to it so they could smell you . The puppy started to cry and move it's paws , as soon as you started to pet it they started to lick your hand , tickling your skin and making you giggle

In one sec you got outside to pet that cute little puppy , and in one sec , the bad wolf , the so called The Grabber , took you away .

Griffin wanted to kick himself when he saw the same book that he broke inside his backpack , deciding to tell his mom once for all what was going on so she could help him buy a new version of the book and give it to you

2 days later , your missing posters were all over the school path , making the boy scared of how fast this Grabber was taking kids away , making the boy sad for having two copies of the same book because he didn't checked his backpack first

Later on lunch break he found his backpack once again in the trash , hearing a group of girls giggle behind him

He wishes to go back in time to make things different , but that's something that happens on books stories only .

VANCE HOPPER

There was no doubt Pin Ball Vance Hopper was the toughest kid in school , and he knew it , proud of his status that gives him the ultimate " Don't fuck with me " power

A lot of people had tried to take his title away , many wanted to have the privilege to say they defeated him , but the more time would pass , the more feared he was , because he would win again , and again , and again .

So that being said , nobody wanted to even look at him in the wrong way , walking on eggshells whenever he's around , and that's how he likes it or how he got used to

Now tell me , if everyone in the entire school knew to stay on their fucking places , why the fuck he had his pencils stolen and broken in two ?

Now , he wouldn't wait to find out who , oh hell no , he's not gonna tolerate that shit happening

He started to ask and grab by the shirt any poor idiot that looked at him more than 2 seconds when he demanded explanations , but they would always answer the same thing

" No please , don't hurt me !" " I'm sorry , I don't want any trouble ! " Chill man , I don't know what are you talking about !" " please stop you're hurting me ! " And bla , bla , bla , bla , bla

But it didn't only stayed on messing with his pencils , no , no , no , the motherfucker started to write his locker all over with threats and a colorful variation of insults

But nobody saw who did it , nobody saw nothing , nobody sees shit when you need it , and that made Vance even more cranky than he already was

The no name no face fucker pulled up a move that nobody has dared to do before , touch his drawing notebook .

He couldn't find it anywhere , students were scared for their lives even if they didn't even knew that thing existed when he started to shout like a furious demon , teachers couldn't calm down the problematic student or make him explain calmly the situation

And then he walked out from the class , from school , without saying anything else , only coming back the very next day with a crowbar to open himself every fucking locker until he founded his notebook .

Teachers yelled at him to stop terrified , students were on a distant circle shocked about what they were watching but too nervous to stay close to Vance Hopper with a possible weapon on his hands , you being part of that confused and scared crowd

He opened 9 , 10 , 11 lockers , and no signal of the only drawing notebook that he has , number 12 .... Your locker , it busted open , and it inside had a similar looking notebook of his . He grabbed the notebook , checked the pages , and he confirmed that he got back what he was looking for

But Vance needed an answer , now .

" Whose locker is this , huh !? WHOSE FUCKING LOCKER IS THIS !? WHO STOLE MY FUCKING NOTEBOOK !?"

By your surprise , the people got away from you and kept starting at you in a way of saying " This is the owner of the locker "

He dropped the crowbar and speed walked towards you , and since you knew you wouldn't be able to defend yourself in any way, you started to run away , and so did him

You felt your feet almost slipping away , his angry breathing and foot steps sounds behind you , along with the distant sounds of the students keeping the track to see your public execution

You don't remember how exactly you did it , but you lost him , and got away hiding behind the school block's back place

Tired and with your legs and lungs burning , you lay yourself to the wall and try to compose yourself , never acknowledging that you were on the school's block , yet outside on the street

With your eyes closed and a body that had already gave everything to escape before , it was easy for the bad man to kidnap you inside his van .

The school suspended Vance for a week , nothing new he would say , but this time the police was more rougher than before the time they came for him

The majority of the people thought that the young man Hopper had something to do with your disappearing , and the police did too , but he told them the truth , and said he didn't even knew you were gone if he was on his house all day and that was .... Half true

He saw your missing posters all over the neighborhood , but he didn't care that much , he kept living his life while trying to beat his damn high score , another kid was lost in the town , so what ? He's too strong to be kidnapped anyway .

The police set him free , and he went to the Grab n' Go once again

Inside , Mrs Ellen wasn't there , and his dear pin ball machine had .... Had a crack on the glass of it !?

He looked around to see if somebody was there as well , but nobody was on the sight

If The jungle queen machine could speak , it would cry over the graffitis they made over the tigers on the sides

" Motherfuckers .... "

Two familiar boys entered inside the mall , one with straight brown long hair and other with a black curly hair and a bandage on his right arm

" Remember us dip shit ? We told you were coming for you "

The two had a pocket knife and a thirst for vengeance , vengeance that they should have kept anonymous

Angry like a wild hungry animal , he fought the two kids with his bare hands until carving once again on their arms with those tiny ass knifes whatever shit would come to his mind as if the first time wasn't enough for them

The kids ran away trying to keep the balance on their step , but failed due how fucked up their faces were and the pain on their arms

Vance sat tired on the ground with his hands covered in blood . Him seeing those two dumb shits run remembered him the last time he saw you

We really ain't nothing in this life , isn't ?

He chased you for nothing , and God knows where the fuck you are now , probably dead , never able to see the sun again

The lady of the mall screams in fear to see the blond messy hair kid like that after getting out from the washroom

" ... I would say I'm sorry if I could or if you were still alive , but that wouldn't change shit . What it's done , it's done .... "

The junior Pin Ball wizard thought as he heard moments later the police siren coming for him .

#the black phone #tbp headcanons #tbp fandom #tbp #finney blake #robin arellano #griffin stagg #bruce yamada #billy showalter #tbp vance #vance hopper #gwen blake #amy yamada

[kuzzzma]

To Catch a Killer (2023) – is a strange film, that outright LIES to it’s intended viewers.

It’s not about how they are going to catch a killer, this title is just a feint, to fool critics and audience alike. The purpose of the film is to ask some very uncomfortable questions sneakily, so subtly that viewers are not even aware that they were asked anything, yet the question will linger and doubt will fester and maybe this will lead to finding some answers in oneself.

Problems stated, questions posed:

Homelessnes

Sexual harassment

Human and LGBT rights

Gun control

History

Racism

Sexism

Police bias

Media responsibility

Media sensationalism

Ecology

Pollution

Politics and populism

Workers rights

Police unprofessionalism

Police brutality

And it’s not an attack on any one country. You see people at the mall, workplace, struggles with higher-ups, who don’t care one bit about solving the crime, but only about how it will reflect on their political aspirations (and everything can be sacrificed for that). It’s universal.

I look at those human interactions and it’s the same everywhere. I look at these landscapes and see a typical Russian small town during winter:

РУС!реал

– How long have you been married? – Ever since we were allowed.

This snippet of dialog jolts the viewer with it’s choice of words: the notion that you need to be ALLOWED to get married feels instantly WRONG, and yet… I find it much more effective that just silently doing token “representation”.

This jolt is much needed, it shakes up viewer and pokes at their assumptions about what kind of film they are watching just in time to pose the main Question right in the next scene.

The Question is stated outright, as well as the answer author proposes and later puts to test.

Big question to ask.

– That’s the big question. How people shape systems and how systems shape us. Today it’s all about the STATUS. People who have it will kill to protect it. People who want it will kill to achieve it and everyone else will be crushed inbetween. Governments, corporations, high school.. pattern seems to be the same. – How do we change that? – You need empathy. Connection. If we truly see ourselves in other people, we want to raise them up, not bring them down.

This is exactly what our protagonist will try to do when facing their perpetrator – establish connection, empathise, work together.

The perpetrator with his need for space and time, with his cabin in the woods reminds me of Henry David Thoreau. He even looks like him!

In the last arc wounded and dying perpetrator is hunted down with the whole might of police force. It’s all blinking lights, whole fleet of cars, helicopters in the air, radio chatter and sirens, all hands on deck. Hunters form a line and their prey is trapped.

We got his tracks!

This comes after this man stated his need for quiet, desire and inability to hide from society.

Makes viewer feel sick long before suicide by the firing squad of cops.

It’s a strange sad film, but it’s got sharp teeth and claws, and it puts boredom, glory, beauty and horror on display:

Boredom and Glory.

Beauty.

Horror

The essential advantage for a poet is not to have a beautiful world with which to deal; it is to be able to see beneath both beauty and ugliness; to see the boredom, and the horror, and the glory. T.S. Eliot

#misanthrope #Misanthrope (2023) #to catch a killer #To Catch a Killer (2023) #Ben Mendelsohn #Damián Szifron #Shailene Woodley #Ralph Ineson #Henry David Thoreau #t.s. eliot #quotes #screenshots #films #spoilers!

[doberbutts]

Can I ask what's making you uneasy? Is it a personal discomfort like, "theres nothing necessarily wrong it just makes me uncomfortable" or like, something actually wrong and you don't have the words/energy to speak up?

It is mostly that right now there is not really any escape in my tracked tags. My trans guy tags are full of transphobia and personal attacks and petty arguments. My fandom tags are filled with racism and sexism and people who seem to be addicted to generating baseless hate for no reason. My dog tags have always been slow since I'm the most active dobe blog on here so other dobe content tends to come as a trickle- and right now the most popular post is yet another crop/dock debate that I refuse to get involved in.

I come on tumblr to have fun, not to raise my blood pressure and be frustrated all the time. I want to talk about dogs, I want to talk about my life, without feeling like I have to defend my every sentence or very existence.

And there is no escape off tumblr either. Facebook is a cesspit of manufactured hate and AI nonsense. AI "news" is all the rage right now and what's not AI is often wank-bait and deliberate pot-stirring. The youtube channels I typically watch are affected by the strike so they're pretty quiet right now (which is fine it just means I can't lean on them). I'm facing some moral dilemmas about the shows I want to watch. So right now it is books and videogames for my late night/early morning entertainment.

People are so mean-spirited and it bums me out. I don't want to be somewhere that people are this mean all the time for no reason. I talk about how an older butch I know came out to me as nonbinary and I get five different asks telling me to kill myself. I post photos of my dog having fun in training and I get three different asks trying to bait me into an argument I've already said I won't have. I post a photo of me and I have to go on a blocking spree due to people insulting my looks and my body. I have a spirited and highly opinionated discussion with someone I thought I was friendly with, only for them to insult and block me and then go on tirades about how awful I am while I can't do anything in my own defense. I talk about something I've personally experienced and people crawl out of the woodwork to either tell me I'm faking it or to tell me that it doesn't matter that it happened to me. I don't like this. I don't like what people have become.

So I am assigning myself some "touch grass" and "go outside" and "hang out in meatspace with people you know you like" and "do activities that make you happy instead" until I can feel happy on social media again.