#and my diagnosis is 'it's not about the science' lol

[tuiyla]

The whole Brittany is a math genius thing makes me so! mad! Because it plays into all the most wrong perceptions about my beloved mathematics. Even after the "genius twist", the narrative makes it pretty clear Birtt had never taken an interest in maths or studied it but tries to play it like she magically knew it. Mathematics cannot be mastered at any level without incredible dedication, and it builds on itself more than maybe any other subject. You can't just magically figure out stuff! And they have her get into MIT because she wrote down random numbers and it was a palindromic prime or something if I recall correctly. That's ridiculous! First of all, that's not impressive. That's the kind of stuff we write a program for and leave it running so we find a new example every few years. People prove theorems, computers do boring calculations. Maths has a lot less to do with numbers than people think frankly, and without justification results are not accepted. Let us look at the mathematician considered the most naturally gifted, Ramanujan. He grew up poor in India with little access to mathematical resources and due to this most of his work was rediscovery and he never really learned the mathematical rigour necessary to formalize proofs. He dedicated his life to mathematics and wrote letters filled with results he'd send to mathematicians trying to interest them in his work. For years he was dismissed as a crank because he was an unknown and lacked mathematical rigour, until GH Hardy took an interest in him and had him brought to Cambridge. Even if Britt had secretly dedicated her entire life to maths and had written a counterexample to the Riemann hypothesis (the most important problem in mathematics), she likely would have been dismissed. Though if they had written this at least it would fit in with the normal unbelievability of the show. They couldn't have called up 1 random mathematician and asked them what would be impressive? I know this is dumb and glee has plenty of worst stuff but this is still the one that makes me the most irrationally upset. I feel like Ryan Murphy personally took a dump on my life's work.

Hehe hi Anon so I know it's been nearly two months and tbh I'm not sure why I put off answering this for so long. Not like I have a ton to say because while I understand and appreciate your perspective, I also think... it's not that deep? And woah, I know that's very very rich coming from me when I monopolize the freaking Glee shovel but the genius storyline is largely a joke.

I personally like it because imo it adds much needed agency and dimension to Brittany's character and story, and that's a convo for another day, but it is a joke. The writers truly didn't think anything of it, much less really considered the actual reality of mathematics. Like, yes, it is ridiculous! It's played for laughs like much of Brittany's ch is. One of those instances of Glee being very aware of the nonsense and leaning into it.

But I also happen to personally believe that that doesn't matter. What matters is validating Brittany's unique point of view and her way of seeing the world, saying that hey, there are ways in which she's actually much smarter than most. Is it in any way plausible, no. But even I, notorious Glee too-seriously-taker, would advise you not to take Glee's disregard of how maths actually works personally. This is a big rant for something that doesn't matter too much, dramatically, in the series. The show leans into the ridiculousness of it all enough while also focusing on Britt's character more than the actual science of it all. And I can personally get behind that. I think the 4x22 scene with her and the MIT professors is hilarious. But I also left maths behind when I graduated high school so what do I know.

#i am but a media graduate not a mathematician #and my diagnosis is 'it's not about the science' lol #brittany asks #gotta be one of the most passionate asks i've gotten #certainly about maths #but bella is yet to rant to me about maths soooo #unless it is you! i doubt it bella uses paragraph breaks #anon #glee asks #britt genius storyline

[spaghett-onaplate]

This Thursday, at long last, I have an appointment booked to discuss HRT!! I don't expect anything to come of it unfortunately but it's still better than doing nothing

#my doctor is a real one and my mum is great #the only roadblock is my father 😞 #depending on how things go at the doctor -- #if i have a diagnosis for gender dysphoria already then i may bring the permission application for starting hrt from the appointment #but if i don't it will be a much longer process and ill have to go to wherever for counselling (a process my dad won't need to know about) #-- i will wait til friday night to ask him about it. and maybe have a bag packed to spend the night at a friend's #not that i wouldn't be welcome in my house just that the worst part of all our previous debates was slinking back to my room #i just craved space all those times and i doubt that's changed in the past year or so where neither of us brought up the whole trans thing #anyway. we'll see. i have no expectations but i have a shred of hope #and either way i get to miss most of my science class lol #anyway i have mentioned this in another rant post but it's just. yeagg it's something #on a more positive note i think one of my fish is pregnant #or deathly ill #hopefully pregnant

[allsadnshit]

Damn I like wanna write a book or zine about endo and what I think of it after the last 4 years since diagnosis but I feel like I'm gonna get canceled for being against birth control and big pharma in general since everyone likes to suck liberal ideology's ass about modern medicine and demonize anything else that exists even if it is also rooted in science

Like if drinking milk is canceled then there's no way my ass's opinions are gonna make it but I'm also like.... but I live this life fr can I just speak lol

[greghatecrimes]

i always want to read autistic!Thirteen essays <3

⚡️

Lightning anon my beloved <3 <3 (Seriously, I always smile when I get an ask from you!) For you, here are the beginnings of my notes on autistic!Thirteen!

For these I worked off of a community-made list of traits commonly found in AFAB people diagnosed with autism. (Said post really helped me out when I was puzzling out if I was autistic or not as well as debating whether or not to seek diagnosis. So it's not anything official like the DSM, but it was written by autistic AFAB people, for autistic AFAB people, and myself and Thirteen would both fall into that category).

[Editing to link: Part 1.5, 2]

First: Traits with Canonical Support/Evidence

Tends to analyze everything constantly. She’s at least always analyzing the behaviors of House & the team, especially in season four when she's still getting to know them.

Often straightforward and practical in nature. (Especially at work for her. Her work persona is is uber-practical and completely different from the "unmasked" moments of goofiness and fun we see from her with Foreman in season five, and at times with House in season six and seven.)

Prone to honesty, has difficulty lying (When she's had the time to script and practice something in advance, she's great at lying. See her lie to House at the hotel in The Dig and the few episodes in season five where she and Foreman made an elaborate scheme to pretend they had broken up. But when she's flying blind and has no time to prepare? She kind of sucks at lying, à la her excuses to get House off her back in You Don't Want To Know, and when the Foreteen breakup ruse falls apart.)

May struggle to understand manipulation, disloyalty, vindictive behavior and retaliation. (I would say this is something she probably only ran into earlier in life, and sort of 'grew out of' as she gained more life experience. Example: when she was seventeen and didn’t understand that her 30 y/o boyfriend was taking advantage of her/didn't love her until well after the fact.)

May be gullible and easily taken advantage of, misled, or conned. (This one is another earlier in life thing that I think she would 'grow out of'/find ways to work around, same as above. But also? She took a car loan with 12% INTEREST. good lord Thirteen, WHY?? That shouts 'taken advantage of by a car salesperson to me'. So maybe it was something to do with this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

May have feelings of confusion and isolation in relation to others (To Foreman in Lucky Thirteen: "She hasn't gone anywhere, and I... feel alone.")

Often has slower reaction times due to need for mental processing. (Her and House's exchange in Don't Ever Change: “You do it both ways, right?” Thirteen stares, dead silent, looking utterly shocked. “...The ultrasound, I mean. You do it both ways. Lying down and standing up.” Plus pretty much every other instance of her Deer In The Headlights face lol)

May find math and numbers easier to deal with due to logic and lack of subjective answers. (This one is more 'potentially' rather than concrete. But she did go into medical/STEM field, and in The Dig we find out that she had a knack for science/physics/engineering in high school. She was good enough to place in the top three in the state-wide science fair her junior year. But like always, correlation ≠ causation.)

Often relates discussion back to self/sharing as a means of reaching out. (She does this with Chase a few times in season six! First telling him she started seeing a counselor after her diagnosis and using it to suggest that counseling might help him post-divorce; and then later telling Chase about her 30 y/o boyfriend when he’s mourning his and Cameron’s relationship and wondering if Cameron ever loved him. She also relates with the patients as a way of reaching out, like in Joy when she tries to connect with POTW's daughter. "Must be hard not having your mom around, huh?")

May have difficulty regulating voice volume to different situations. (I’ve noticed that in certain scenes with House, especially when she’s angry, her voice gets much louder than House's does and at a much faster pace. Some prime examples are You Don't Want to Know: "No, you don't know because I don't know!" and later "I might die. So could you, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow! The only difference is you don't have to know about it today, so why should I?" And in Instant Karma when she goes to House's apartment and loudly/firmly starts the conversation with "Stay out of my life!")

May feel misunderstood and tend to over-explain/ramble in an attempt to compensate for possible miscommunication. (in Instant Karma when she's talking with the cab driver: "Bangkok, that sounds awesome. How long?" "Not sure yet." she pauses, realizes the implication of what she's said (her place will be empty for a long time), and then backtracks to say: "Luckily I have a friend who's staying at my place, taking care of my dog. He's really big. So he needs a lot of exercise." Then she starts over explaining herself again (!) directly after when she tries to say to the driver, "Look, I'm sorry. I don't know you. You're either honest or dishonest. I figured the safer choice is to...")

May be highly intuitive to others’ feelings, although may not appear to react to them ‘correctly’ in social situations (In The Dig: House talking about how he was Cuddy’s weird boyfriend, not Lucas → Thirteen realizes a second too late that he’s serious and then can see the sadness/hurt from the breakup. Instead of adhering to the social norm of “I’m sorry”, she blurts out “I killed a man” to distract him from his feelings.)

Often holds great compassion for suffering. (*Points at the whole show in general* She might not always be outwardly gushy about it like Cameron is, but it's there.)

May try to help, offer unsolicited advice, or formalize plans of action. (We see this in her interactions with patients. i.e., reaching out to the kid in The Softer Side and trying to help, completely separate from the team, when she thinks he's suicidal.)

May frequently reject or question social norms. (Lots of her dialogue, much like House's, goes against what the "norm" was in the early 2000s. For example: her discussions with Foreman and later Wilson about bisexuality.)

Tend to say what they mean. Are often brutally honest, coming off as rude when they do not mean to be. (To Kutner asking about her Huntington's in early season five: "If I wanted to talk about it, why didn't I bring it up?" And similarly, with House in Wilson's Heart: "Yeah, I'm at risk for Huntington's. I've dealt with it." "By not getting tested?" "You are the champion of not dealing with your problems. (...) You're screwing up this case worse than I am!" Finally, in Last Resort: the other ducklings talk about how they feel House's arrogance is going to kill someone. Thirteen goes a step further and comes out with the brutal honesty. "You're a coward. You need to know everything because you're afraid to be wrong. You're so afraid of being ordinary, of being just another doctor, just another human being, that you'll risk other people's lives.")

Often speaks frankly and literally.

May notice patterns frequently (basically a prerequisite to work for House, haha!)

May possess a youthful appearance and/or voice. (she looks very young! However, this can also just be attributed to Olivia Wilde being younger than Thirteen was when playing her. Olivia was 24 when they started filming season four; Thirteen was at minimum 29.)

Clothing style is likely more focused on comfort and practicality, especially in the case of sensory issues. (Thirteen occasionally dresses a bit fancier, but most of the time she's far more casual than the rest of the team (save for House). Usually she’s just wearing a comfortable, casual tee shirt and jeans or plain black pants She dresses up her outfits with simple makeup, a necklace, and cute shoes. She dresses much more comfy/casual than Cameron did when she was on the diagnostics team. See: Cameron's suits/vests, etc.)

This is getting so long that I'm gonna need to make another post for part two: traits that don't necessarily have concrete canon evidence, but that I see in her.

#ask #⚡️ anon #remy thirteen hadley #headcanons #autistic thirteen #my meta

[anti-endo-safe-space]

omg i have been dyyying to say this but if i say this on my blog i will get burned at the stake by endos & supporters ;-;

imo, if being 'endogenic' just meant someone with a CDD who didn't form from trauma i'd be like 'hey.. as far as current science goes, that has not been supported as something that can happen, however if your therapist & whoever else diagnosed you can agree that you *do not have any trauma* yet have a CDD then i guess you're fine & i'm okay to interact with you'

but that's not what they usually mean. it's now an umbrella term & heavily associated with willowgenic, xeno-origins, western """tulpamancy""" & other froms of non-disordered, non-medical & non-traumagenic plurality. which is not my experience at all & therefore it makes me uncomfortable that they're still using medical language, being in CDD spaces, etc.

that's what i have a problem with! & that first type of endo that i talked about 99.999999% of the time engages with & supports the second group of endos strongly.

i hope that makes sense...? thanks for this blog xoxo gossip girl

That's why even our personal blog is firmly anti-endo (most support we ever got was from our anti-endo post lol).

Exactly! We're firm believers in science, and does psychology always know everything? No. I mean, we're autistic (which if in future posts we don't say it, some of us like Lucie hate to label himself as autistic because some of us (like me, Reg) are affected much stronger than others) and that wasn't a diagnosis until the 1940s. Even then it didn't start getting regularly diagnosed for decades AFTER that. But when studies and psychology have shown yeah you need trauma? I mean agree to disagree with them, please don't interact with our pages due to our issues with endos. We won't hate on you, don't hate on us (we had several endos who told us to kill ourselves for being anti-endo and we deserved our trauma)

I'm sorry but we will DIE on the hill that willogenic and shit are fake as hell (which we hate to use tulpagenic because tulpamancy is a very closed practice to certain regions of the Buddhist faith).

It makes sense don't worry Gossip Girl. If anyone gives you shit, we're here to vent to or ask advice, we don't care.

We've decided we'll add this to the end of all our posts due to a comment we had of "ha imagine this taking off", endos aren't valid or real. Try to come after us with that and we're going to just laugh at you and block you.

#anti endo #did system #dissociative system #osdd system #plural system #polyfrag system #sysblr #system #actually system #actually dissociative #did alter #actually plural #actually did #anti endo supporter #endos aren't real #endos dni #endos fuck off

[farewell-superiors]

I’m having so many thoughts about @ammstify’s persona 6 idea for it being about nature and being based on Arthurian legend but as more of a spin-off but I’m in the “pacing while brainstorming” phase which means that I have too much energy to sit down and actually write down my ideas so I may as well start a post that’s like… just a bunch of ramblings about ideas. Have so at least it’s WRITTEN DOWN and I won’t forget anything. If I think enough I might even make a fanfic in the style of steal the truth (which you should absolutely read btw it’s genuinely one of the best video game adaptations with how well it integrates persona’s calendar mechanic and social links into its story structure) but that would require a lot of foresight and planning (hence why u want to WRITE SHIT DOWN)

Anyway here goes. Spoilers for something that I just made up but might make into an actual thing in the future I guess lol

The themes are about growth (there's LOTS of plant imagery), moving on, and how it gets better (the sun will always rise, darkest before dawn, etc. (there's a lot of day/night imagery as well)), and it looks at the relationship between humans and the environment.

The setting will probably be Kyoto, or at least some city, but I'm undecided about whether the characters are high school or uni students. Both have their pros and cons and I just have to figure them out. I'm leaning towards Uni?

The actual persona elements take place in the sea of souls, although it's more accurate to say the field of souls, as it's an undending field of grass, flowers, and the odd tree/hill, with every bit of flora representing a life. Select people will travel to the sea of souls in their sleep, but sleeping in the sea of souls won't get you out, so if someone is there without a way out, it looks like they're in a coma. If they happen to die in there (haven't completely figured out shadow mechanics yet, don't know if day/night cycles in the sos would be over a few weeks (to represent the collective unconscious) or over a characters journey (because it's cool imagery)) the body will start growing vines and leaves as their pulse slowly fades.

One way to get out is through the velvet room: In the sea of souls there is a battlefield, with velvet blue warbanners rising amongst the bloodstained foliage, and in the centre is a familiar long nosed man sitting on a particularly comfy looking rock, with a warrior clad in a deep blue leather armour brandishing a spear and shield. As neither protagonist is a wild card (whoops spoiler) Igor doesn't act as the guy who fuses your personas, he's like a guide both through your journey and on your way back to the real world. Maybe belladonna and nameless are also there, who knows.

Persona users have a body part wrapped in foliage, vines, flowers, and the like (the location can be thematic, it’s as if wrapped in chains), and when summoned the foliage chains break and rapidly grow into the summoned persona.

Protag A (who I shall refer to as Sun because that’s their arcana) is a kind young man who was diagnosed with cancer. This diagnosis comes shortly after moving to a new city to start university, so he rightly is in a lot of turmoil and feeling alone. One of the way he copes is by having a fairly dark cynical sense of humour, contrasting with his kind and caring personality. I’m not set on a subject he does, I’m thinking natural sciences, it’s got a wide range of topics and, most importantly, MATHS (this isn’t a joke). His starting persona is Arthur, his second awakening is Arturus Rex, both of the sun arcana, and his ultimate persona is Excalibur, of the world arcana.

Protag B (who I shall refer to as Moon) is a standoffish young woman in the year above sun. An abuse survivor, her father (her only living relative) recently was jailed for what he did, but she still holds a deep contempt for humanity who she thinks has failed her. Initially forced to interact with sun because of a scheme where second years help first years, she stays with him because of a shared goal once they enter the sea of souls. Her story arc is about growing to care for others, learning to see the good in people, and stopping seeking revenge. Her starting persona is Lancelot, who evolves into white knight, both of the moon arcana, and her ultimate persona is Galahad of the world arcana (I’m intentionally hiding some things but oh well lol. The personas are thought out, I’ll tell you that).

I’ve not settled on social links or party members, I’ve got a few ideas, like Sun’s maths professor (who would either be magician or hierophant) and the Lovers arcana, but nothing concrete.

Getting into real endgame spoilers now, the premise is that two gods, Pendragon and Morgan le Fay, are arguing over whether humanity should suffer or not. Pendragon thinks they're a stain on the world and should be wiped out, while Morgan le Fay thinks they should live in eternal bliss. Given that the themes are about moving on and growing, neither is very good, or rather, life is a combination of the two. They're represented by the moon and the sun in the sea of souls, when Pendragon is "winning" it's night, when Morgan is "winning" it's day. towards the end of the story the party beats Pendragon without realising that now Morgan le Fay is able to act unchecked and so the regular course of life grinds to a halt. During the course of the story each protagonist holds one in themself, Moon with her contempt for humanity holds pendragon, and Sun with his wish to live with his friends forever holds Morgan, but once Moon starts to see the good in humanity her mind boots out pendragon (hence why they fight him), and once Sun accepts that a life in stagnation isn't a life living at all, his mind boots out Morgan (hence why they fight her). Basically, I really really really like the ideas of third semester and am doing something similar lol.

At the start Sun and Moon are visited by a Doctor informing him of his cancer diagnosis and a chief prosecutor "congratulating" her about her father's loss in court respectively. Both talk about their fascination with/contempt of humanity, and end with "do you agree?", a cloaked agreement to a contract that makes them their champion, for these are Morgan le Fay and Pendragon in human forms. A side effect of tricking them into agreeing to a contract, however, is letting them into the velvet room, a mistake that would lead to both of the gods' downfall.

Ah shit I haven't even tackled how dungeons and stuff work. I know at least the last one is gonna be called Avalon.

I think I'm just gonna go ahead and post this for now, I might edit it later so uhhh stay tuned I guess

#Don't know what I'd call it though #Persona Green???? #lmao #Actually remember “the green man” as that's an actual thing from folklore that'd work really well #Persona #Now I just need to think of names for everyone lmao #persona au #ocs #Oh also I don't know if this is obvious but #uhhhh #pendragon is a literal dragon LMAO #I know that's just arthur's last name but I really want a dragon final-ish boss soooooooo #fuck off

[anameistoohard]

Can you be a system with only two alters? Also, can you be one if you start having headmates later in your life?

I often write a character who consists of two headmates, let's call them A (he/him or he/they) and B (it/its or zie/hir). The main problem with calling them a system is the fact that they were seperate people and started sharing a body because of magic. So I'm not sure if calling them a system would be ableist or derespectful.

I also write them to switch pretty fast and I'm afraid it's not accurate.

When A is in charge he is doing the talking while B can hear him and talk to him with its thoughts but not talk aloud itself. Same goes for when B is in charge. Also, both B and A have different walking patterns, facial expressions and slightly different accents, to the point in which A's sister can tell them apart.

So, can I call them a system if they got like this with magic later in their life or would that be disrespectful or ableist?

(Disclaimer: We are not an authority, we're just some person on the internet. And we certainly don't speak for all systems)

Maybe gonna give you a little whiplash from that disclaimer, but yes, absolutely, 100% of the time, a system can have only two alters. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong and you shouldn't listen to them lol.

As for developing a system later in life. That's a little more tricky because I want to paint you a full picture.

From a medical perspective, the most universally accepted theory is that it forms in early childhood in response to trauma and can't form later in life. However, there is no definitive proof that's how systems form, or that it's the only way they can form for that matter.

From a more anecdotal perspective, many people claim their system formed later in life. Some even say they created theirs on purpose.

In my personal opinion, I think the medical community is missing the forest for the trees. After all, autism used to "only effect young boys". And "only dysphoric people could be trans". I think it's absurd to think all those people contradicting the science are wrong when the fact of the matter is that it's still a developing field of study.

I don't see anything wrong with calling them a system. "System" isn't a medical diagnosis, it's a state of being. If they function as a system... then they're a system lol. The only thing I'd maybe be mindful of is how you share your story with people. If you say "This is a story about a system." It's a bit more like "This is a story about a system*..... *Created through magical means."

Kinda like, the difference between a gender bender and a story about a trans person.

Oh! Also maybe avoid calling them alters since they're literally different people, not alternate identity states.

For us, sometimes switches happen without us noticing, sometimes it literally happens in the blink of an eye, but sometimes it takes a few minuets, or even several hours. Fast switching is fine in your story, but if you want to mix things up, maybe make it relatable to more people, don't have them switch the same way every time. Maybe when they're stressed it's harder to switch on command and they need to calm themself down first, or something happens that triggers one of them to front (It doesn't need to be a bad thing, it could be simple like being given B's favorite food causing it to front. Or A hates a song so much he gets pulled to front so he can turn the music off.)

Again, we also can communicate like that and perceive the world "through each other's eyes" (it's called co-con/co-conscious) but sometimes it's harder than others.

Different gaits, facial expressions, and accents are all stuff we have. To us they feel obvious, but no one's commented on the differences except for some words or phrases specific alters use. Most of us can also mask making it even harder for people to tell us apart. I'd imagine your characters would have a hard time masking at first, but maybe with time they could learn to mimic each other's behavior.

...It took long enough to write this we switched part way through ^_^'

#ask #w-writing advice? #our dyslexic ass giving writing advice???

[drdemonprince]

I’m trying to provide resources for my HR manager that support the validity (unfortunately we’re here, I’d rather say liberating nature of!) of self diagnosis with disability. I’m particularly looking for something from what she might consider a “reputable” source, something that’s been peer reviewed. There are some good free articles out there, and then outside of that most of my knowledge are what I’ve gained through tidbits on the internet lol.

Also I’m sharing your piece on this with her too! Basically just looking for a plethora of resources so she and others will more openly consider this as something to care about with both employees and how we ask demographic questions in applications, etc.

Thank you in advance if ya know of anything !

Well that's a tricky question to answer. First, because supporting self-realization of Autism is more of a philosophical and epistemological question (ie, a question about what sources of knowledge are valid and who is an authority), so appealing to psychiatric authority via finding a peer-reviewed article stating that it's okay is kind of contradictory to the entire argument. Also, I don't think most HR managers are educated in the sciences or peer-reviewed research much at all so I'm not sure how moved they'll be by it, or whether they'll be positioned to make use of anything in that vein you send them.

But you could send them these citations: Sarrett, J. C. (2016). Biocertification and neurodiversity: The role and implications of self-diagnosis in autistic communities. Neuroethics, 9, 23-36.

Cook, J., Hull, L., Crane, L., & Mandy, W. (2021). Camouflaging in autism: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 89, 102080.

Lewis, L. F. (2016). Exploring the experience of self-diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder in adults. Archives of psychiatric nursing, 30(5), 575-580.

My next question for you is why are you wanting to encourage workers at your company to openly self-identify as Autistic at work on demographic surveys. I think that's a bad idea. You don't want to encourage a highly stigmatized and marginalized group of people who stand next to ZERO change of winning an ADA lawsuit against their employer for disability discrimination to openly identify themselves as vulnerable in that way. If you want to encourage self-identification as a route to getting workplace accommodations, I think the better route is to push for changes that will benefit most Autistics and many other groups of people, as a universal design principle. Basically arguing for these changes being made without people having to self-disclose their status.

[rustbeltjessie]

Today: finally got my oldest kiddo an ADHD diagnosis and a prescription for ADHD meds. (We’ve suspected he’s ADHD as well as autistic for a while now, but waiting lists and bureaucratic red tape are a thing, so it took a while to actually make this happen.) Later, I went to the post office to check my PO Box and buy a sheet of stamps, and the postal worker at the counter was thee hottest futch, like so hot I was flustered just talking to them. And then after that I went to the drugstore to pick up my kiddo’s meds, and I browsed through the makeup section cuz I really need some new eyeliner, but I couldn’t afford any because eyeliner costs like $10-15+ now?! I had a split second where I considered just pocketing some but being that I am no longer a teen or 20-something, and that I have kids of my own, I’m no longer willing to risk getting arrested for stealing fucking eyeliner.

In general, I’ve been really on top of shit lately. Had some literary contests and magazines I wanted to submit to that required submission fees, so I found an extra little side hustle to make money for those, and then sent them in. I’m very close to being done with the new issue of my zine. I’ve got D. on meds and have also got the process going for him to get other therapies and community help. I’ve signed the other kid up for some art and science classes he’s interested in. I’m considering going back to school for something quite different than I ever studied before, and I sent away for information from a couple nearby universities. And I made a dentist appointment for myself, even though I have hella dental anxiety. (Truly, going to the dentist is one of my least favorite things in the world. I would rather spend an entire day at the DMV than go to the dentist. I would rather fly than go to the dentist, and I hate flying.)

Lol, but I’ve long suspected I’m ADHD but never pursued a diagnosis, and there are some common ADHD things that I don’t relate to, so when I hear those I’m like oh, no, maybe I’m not. But like half the stuff the doc was talking about today I was like: “Oh. Me, me, me again, also me.” So…

And I’m really happy I’ve found a teeny side hustle to pay for submission fees. Now I just gotta find a way to make that sweet, sweet eyeliner money…

#rust belt jessie #personal #gpoy

[slowdripsunrise]

book review for into the drowning deep by mira grant!!! spoilers under the cut! just found out the author has a tumblr well if u find this pretty please dont look theres nothing bad in here its just not for you! reviews are for readers and you can get constructive criticism from a paid editor and not random readers doing this for free :)

ok i. literally just finished this and am writing it as i am staring at the finished checkmark on my computer lol wanted to get this out so i didnt forget. anyways ok so i super liked this book. love feels like a strong word bc i think im on too much adhd meds to really feel it like that but yeah i really really liked it.

OBViously the best part about this book were the mermaids. i came into it wanting mermaids and creepy shit in the ocean and science and thats what i got. they were creepy wnd fucked up and vicious and murderous amd beautiful and i loved them so much. especially that we got their pov! and how sometimes from their pov we would get little hints of answers about them before the scientists did. i liked that. loved the ocean imagery especially from dr toth was it heavy handed? maybe. idc i love the ocean.

this was also again. creepy as fuck not downright terrifying which surprised me bc im a huge wimp. but i was on the edge of my seat and anxious and nervous for a lot of the characters... which leads me to my next point i guess i dont really feel like i connected per say with all of the characters as much as others. like i feel connected for sure to olivia, especially when its her pov, the probable undiagnosed autism diagnosis goes crazy. and i really liked the wilsons, luis was nice, i liked dr toth. everyone else i didnt really care. which is fine i read this for cool mermaids !!

another thing i would kill for more of was the linguistics with hallie and lennox and the mermaid like i fucking LOVE that shit, and also what happened to said mermaid other than just a small bit at the end about it being bought by some rich guy. also would like to see more of the matriarch mermaid. i love the absolute ancient and archaic nature of creatures that are just fuckin so big, especially when it relates to the ocean. and also maybe i missed where her size was actually describe and im generally really bad at conceptualizing how big things are when just given like. measurements but i was picturing this thing as more colossal than anything else, which would tie into luis' research, right?? pretty sure that was his whole schtick and i wanted more of that... i do appreciate the mystery however. this book left me with questions, and not in a like this was filled with plot holes kinda way but more of a i need to know more this is probably how all those scientists felt kinda way. i like that i think. absolutely love how in these reviews im just spitballing ideas and seeing what sticks who knows tomorrow i probs wont agree with half the shit im saying but who cares. im working out my thought irl and this is what happens. on another note we had anchovies out for dinner and im not normally squeamish about them but. looking at them when reading this book did make me feel a bit weird so theres that. 4/5 stars had fun would recommend

#into the drowning deep #book review #i feel like it might seem like i went a little hard on the author b4 the cut so clarifying that that wasnt directed towards her specifically #at all lol more to the authors who have stepped out of line on goodreads and twitter. which idk if mira grant has done so just a general psa #thoughts.txt

[spencerrscardigans]

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

blog introduction!

hello! finally, after a long time of wanting to, i finally decided to make a blog! as i am still planning and putting everything together, i thought that i may as well post an introduction post!

my main focus for this blog likely will be for writing some original work and mainly fanfic writing, talking about and analyzing literature (i may make a separate blog for this), and chronic illness/disability content!

my inspiration to create this came from my longtime longing to write and share my own work as i have been an avid reader, especially of fanfics, and i have many, many, ideas living in my head. i originally started planning out a few (a lot) of multi chapter stories, both fanfics and original work/ideas, and i had everything planned out thoroughly, however since i had never committed to writing something to that extent, i thought where best to start than with one-shots and short stories!

besides the writing, i also was inspired to post about and make content about chronic illness and disability as it is something that i live with and is a big part of my life, and when i first started my “journey” of learning how to live with these things, i felt very alone and craved to have somewhere where i could relate and feel less alone in my experiences, so my hope with this blog is to be a place and resource to do such a thing that i, and likely many others would seek out.

about the person behind the blog!

you can call me mae, and my pronouns are she/her! i am seventeen years old, and in the future, i would love to peruse research, with my main goal/dream being to go to medical school to become a doctor!

i am chronically ill, and have (unofficial diagnosis) hypermobile-ehlers danlos syndrome (hEDS), postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS), and due to what we think was caused by prolonged physical pain and emotional trauma, i have developed central sensitization and fibromyalgia, which is a neurological disorder that essentially means my central nervous system amplifies and sends incorrect signals to my body.

i am neurodivergent, and have adhd, and i also highly suspect that i am autistic, however i am unable to get a diagnosis. i also struggle with mental illnesses, and have depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, anorexia (in recovery!), and cptsd.

despite being sick, i have always been highly ambitious, and (when my health permits/permitted it) i have picked up many hobbies and interests! some of these hobbies/interests include sports, and i played soccer for years, did badminton at school for a little while, went to a basketball camp (which i did not like), and my current sport being riding horses, though i had to temporarily pause until my health allows it again, but when i can handle it i will definitely be getting back into riding! i have also picked up and attempted to learn a few instruments, some being with my schools band, and others i picked up on my own, including clarinet, saxophone (tried both tenor and alto, but preferred and more so stuck to tenor), piano, and guitar!

i also love reading, educating myself on pretty much anything i possibly can, but especially science related things, writing, poetry, baking, gardening, photography, knitting (attempting to) and crocheting, sewing, and would also love to get into pottery!

i am a huge animal lover! in my life, i have had hamsters, guinea pigs, a bunny, and dogs! and now currently i have 3 adorable rats, and i also have a cat who is my pride and joy lol. in the future if my lifestyle permits it, i would love to have more animals, and would also love to rescue and foster!

i love listening to music, with some (but not limited to) of my favourite artists being david bowie, the smiths, hozier, taylor swift, phoebe bridgers, tv girl, mac demarco, mitski, and big thief! (inspo for some of my writing)

some of my favourite tv shows, movies, books and general fandoms i am in include (in no particular order) the walking dead, fleabag, all the bright places, criminal minds, bones, the last of us, dead poets society, harry potter, house, greys anatomy, and stranger things.

plans i have for my writing

i have many, many, writing ideas, especially for fanfics and one-shots (will often include themes of chronic illness and mental health), and some of (but not limited to) the characters i will be writing (platonic and romantic) for include:

(for marvel) peter parker (mainly tom holland and andrew garfield’s spider-man’s), pietro maximoff, bucky barnes, matt murdock, stephen strange, natasha romanoff, loki, bruce banner, and tony stark

(for twd) daryl dixon, rick grimes, maggie greene/rhee, glenn rhee, carl grimes, rosita espinosa

(for tlou) joel miller, ellie williams

(for criminal minds) spencer reid, aaron hotchner, emily prentiss, derek morgan

(for harry potter) fred and george weasley, remus lupin, sirius black, james potter

(stranger things) steve harrington, eddie munson, robin buckly

there is probably many characters missing from my list above, which is why i will be creating a separate post that will go more into detail about the characters i plan on writing for. i will also be creating a separate post that goes more in detail about the types of writing that i will do, and the types that i will not write, and will include a link for requests.

as my writing/blog progresses, i will be making a navigation post that will have links to important information like my blog rules, masterlists and etcetera, but i thought that i might as well include some info here so you know what to expect!

#intro post #introduction #introductory post #meet the blogger #fanfiction #fanfic #writing #marvel #bucky barnes #matt murdock #peter parker #spiderman #the walking dead #daryl dixon #criminal minds #spencer reid #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain

[dead-dog-dont-eat]

ok, since you seem to be an active shipping member of the crujo/kuphulu/viktor polycule, do u have any hcs for the goth boyfriends?

Anon, ty so much for noticing me in my shipping obsessions, ily (platonically) but yes! I do! Its mostly just general stuff abt their relationship--but I'll throw in some non-relationship stuff.

-for starters, kuphulu is DEFINITELY the only person in the triad that is trans (ftm + definitely not binary for sure) and not amab; viktor is cis and crüjo is a libramasc but cis person as well--both are binary

-viktor and kuphulu were in the relationship first before crujo came into the mix--I kinda have a hc that they (Vik and Kuphulu) began to date when they were younger and before they were hired by Zs'Skayr to be henchmen but kept it a secret. And when they were in their job they met crujo and then they became a triad

-there's a 10 to 20 year age gap, but all of them are adults; crujo is in his 30s (youngest), kuphulu is in his 40s (middle-aged), and viktor is in his 50s (oldest). I wanna say that when viktor first appeared in the series "The Return" (OG b10) he would've been in his late 40s imo

-all three of them are neither allistic nor neurotypical; viktor is neurodivergent in some ways, crujo is an energetic ADHD werewolf, and kuphulu is auDHD (autism + adhd) with depression, insomnia, bpd and avpd (I, myself, don't have adhd; but I am mostly self-projecting my personality disorders, autism, and insomnia on this man)

-continuing above, crujo and viktor had early diagnoses before puberty (medical), while kuphulu was late. One of my hcs is that viktor grew up in a family from both sides of his parents that were involved in science in some way (whether medical, in the field in general, biology, geographical, etc) and he has a uncle from his late mom's side in the medical science field who is also a psychiatrist and a diagnostician who helped his nephew (viktor) being professionally diagnosed with neurodivergency. His uncle also helped Kuphulu getting a proper ADHD/autism and borderline + avoidant personality diagnosis in his early 30s cuz kuphulu once tried to get one at Anur Khufos and had a bad experience.

-drilling more in kuphulu's neurodivergence: he is definitely a night owl due to his insomnia, and therefore has a TERRIBLE sleep schedule and has to rely on tea remedies and melatonin to get a proper 8 hours; the tendrils on his back fluttering is most likely a stim from his autism/ADHD--including having a problem with voice modulation, which I got inspired from this post by @/kuphulwho; going back to Omniverse, it mentions he collects artifacts--this is more likely a hyperfixation and obsession from his autism and BPD since he probably has a special interest in them--additionally, he also has anger issues from BPD as well (since I, myself, would get swings from my borderline personality disorder at times); I would also like to highlight on his Cluster C disorder (AvPD) where as he doesn't go out in public too often, very introverted, and very much just like to stay inside and do his hobbies.

-another thing I love about their relationship? Fucking the SIZE DIFFERENCE. Viktor and Crujo are SO FUCKING HUGE and TALL, and Kuphulu is canonically a short king 💞. Like, both Viktor and Crujo are the same size while Kuphulu isn't past their shoulders (see the two images below for evidence) I would imagine that they share a bed for three people and Kuphulu would sleep in the middle as a certified little spoon bc even if he did sleep on the left or right he would fall over lol

-kuphulu and viktor are DEFINITELY wife and husband material (in that order) while crujo is mostly just werewolf boyfriend material. Like saying before about kuphulu's insomnia, he would've stayed up all night and therefore is a late sleeper in the morning while viktor and crujo are early risers. And when kuphulu eventually wakes up there's coffee already brewed for him. Additionally, kuphulu is a great baker (to which he got that skill from his maternal uncle and paternal aunt while growing up/living with them). Crujo can't cook for shit, lol, but he's decent at doing laundry.

-since kuphulu's VA is the same guy that did Herbert West from Re-Animator (aka Jeffery Combs), I would imagine he has the same knowledge as Dr. West himself. In fact, in the scrapped storyboard scene of "The Vampire Strikes Back", it was shown he has a knowledge for Vladats and knows them extremely well (image below for provided evidence). I would like to think he was an early grad in high school who was a major in History, Math and Science; possibly be like some sort of historian along with being like a really smart mortician who has a astonished knowledge in history (hence mystical artifacts) and medical science. Viktor is already a scientist (possibly a Professional college graduate degree/diploma in Science, Mechanical/Engineering, Math), but I would imagine he let's kuphulu help him with specimens and chemicals. Crujo would probably just finished high school and work with mechanics.

This is all I have anon. Thanks 4 asking!

#ben 10 #kuphulu #crujo #dr viktor #goth polycule #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 kuphulu #ben 10 crujo #ben 10 dr viktor

[lokiinmediasideblog]

hi! :D you've said before that you see mcu loki as ND-coded, and i'm curious about your specific thoughts on that. personally, i've mostly thought about this in terms of acquired mental illness stemming from trauma, but if i'm interpreting you correctly, you see him as innately neurodivergent? which is a fun + interesting take. are you thinking of a specific diagnosis, and/or is there a specific moment that stands out to you as ND Behaviour, or is it more of an overall vibe?

It started by thinking of Loki being ND-coded metaphorically, but I think he shows some behaviors. I will be breaking this down into actual behaviors and metaphors. I have ADHD, so I tend to skew his diagnosis towards that or AuDHD (and I have a mutual that thinks BPD also fits rather well and they're welcome to join in, lol).

Metaphors (movies):

1. The Jotun reveal. Aliens and changelings (both of which Loki is in cannon to Asgard) are common in metaphors to describe autism. From both the ND’s perspective as being in “Another planet” and from the NT’s perspective.

“A persistent trope in some autism communities is that autistic people are aliens, or, symmetrically, that non-autistic people seem like aliens to autists. Some autists are attracted to the metaphor of the alien to describe their own condition, or to say that they find other people alien (Hacking, 2009).”

“In addition to failure to thrive, before the development of modern medicine and psychiatry, it is very likely that any number of childhood disorders were interpreted as stolen children. Several modern authors have suggested that, in pre-scientific eras, children born with autism and other developmental disorders were probably considered changelings (Ashliman 1997; Wing and Potter 2002). By the late nineteenth century, science had begun to provide non-supernatural explanations for children who did not thrive or otherwise did not meet the normal expectations for a healthy infant, and belief in changelings faded. ”

2. Loki does not fit in at Asgard, the only home he’s known. His friends are actually Thor’s rather than his, and seem to tolerate him rather than like him.

3. Loki also gets blamed for misdeeds without good evidence: The W4 start suspecting a crown prince based on an enemy’s words and they assume Loki wants to harm Asgard. I think it’s important to note that they don’t assume he just wants the crown; they assume in his very short reign, that he’ll harm Asgard, which is never in his plans. And it’s unlikely they cared about Jotunheim since they wanted Thor back right away.

A parallel to being ND is that people distrust and even villainize you due to your mannerisms (e.g. “weird and quiet”). And I’ve talked about how I think Asgard promotes a very ridiculously straight forward mannerisms on its population to make self-policing easier. So Loki’s mannerisms must have clashed with the general population’s for them to distrust them so easily.

4. Loki’s main power-set being illusions, and unbeknownst to him, being changed into something he wasn’t born as (Jotun -> Asgardian), is a power-set analogous to masking (i.e. the process through which NDs camouflage themselves to fit in better).

Masking involves a lot of rehearsing and suppression to act in a more socially acceptable way. → Loki also needs to be useful to be appreciated

5. Thor being preferred for acting in ways deemed more socially acceptable by Asgard and Odin. A personal experience from me is getting shit to this day about how I was “so difficult as a toddler, unlike your brother!” and some mean comment about how I made life hell because they couldn’t take me to public places.

Some traits Loki showcases (and seem relatable to my ADHD-ass):

1. Tendency to fidget (in the movies and series). I think it’s even more noticeable in the series, where he’s doing random shit with stamps and hammers while he speaks to people (S2E1 talking with OB). It’s like he can’t stay still.

2. I pulled something very similar to the salad scene around an older mentor figure. It was rice I kept squishing in my hand while going off in a rant. My former mentor found my behavior amusing, for the most part, and never let me live that down.

3. Tendency to info-dump about how his magic works.

4. Poor impulse control (Loki series, gets drunk in a train, and cut Sif’s hair just because ← I HC he wanted to sabotage the relationship out of fear of vulnerability).

And that’s on top of the trauma-based extreme fear of abandonment he showcases in pretty much everything he’s been in.

Badly-formatted Sources:

Hacking, Ian. (2009) https://www.jstor.org/stable/40543987

#ND-coding #neurodivergence #headcannons #character coding #metaphor #mcu!loki #asks #ADHD #aliens and changelings

[ilovetobiko]

discrimination funny moments i’ve experienced due to dyscalculia (all while diagnosed!)

- sit on hands to do mental math in elementary until i started holding back tears

- needlessly having to take extra classes for areas i already excelled in because staffs just assumed i couldn’t excel in anything if i couldn’t do math

- being denied accommodation all through highschool until i eventually failed it

- ripping diagnosis paper after being advised not to because i was in denial about it for years

- ‘math is just boring so my brain stops working, you have to make me care’ mindset for years

- rejection from family and infantilization even though i am one of the oldest kids/young adults in the whole family

- rejection and infantilization from peers until this day

- being kicked out of the special needs lunchroom by staff because i was in there ‘too much’

- being pulled out of classes i enjoyed to talk with the principals about my math issue

- being dropped from science class (and denied history class) even though i really liked them

- taking two math classes a semester with not even student aids

- being dropped from a class i excelled at to go to a lower level version of the class because once again it was assumed if i can’t do math i can’t do anything (fought hard to get put back in the appropriate class, nearly went violent)

- losing a cashier job after four hours because the register stopped working and then getting called Ditzy when i vented to friend

- being trained for a job and being told i won’t need to use the staff elevator or break room because coworker just assumed i wouldn’t do well in the job (coworkers also didn’t bother to tell me for 4 months where the break room was or what the staff elevator code was🙃)

- when i failed highschool i got 100$ in grocery money from the highschool which also felt extremely classist and extremely degrading because it wasn’t in card form.. it was a printed piece of paper.

this shit makes me so sad. LOL. can’t think of anything else atm. disability liberation now?

#actually dyscalculic #if it weren’t for math i could’ve graduated with honours #BUT WHATEVER #it’s over #it’s just tragic #i was one of the best students in my whole school and iHARDLY studied #it’s so funny… hahaha.. goodnight

[tuneford]

Plural community jargon and subculture information is honestly just very tiring. Traumagenic this, endogenic that, system roles, specific terminology for introjection, pronouns like I& and we& and language like everymany (every time I see that word I think of everypony lol), syscourse existing, inner-community drama, the deal of plural vs multiple vs system (how each overlaps and has separate definitions historically) and how too many people use them as synonyms & imply that all plural folks are systems, the whole psychiatric history behind MPD and DID and the Trauma Model vs Iatrogenic Model vs Fantasy Model vs Sociocognitive Model and hypnotherapy (medical abuse contained within), etc etc.

Link (to paper on ‘dissociation debates’): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6296396/

I know the DSM-5 and 5-TR explicitly allow nuance for spiritual practices that present similarly to being a system (the boundary between visions/guides and hearing voices can also be very nebulous) but that doesn’t stop both professionals and general society from always pathologising plurality (there also literally is a paragraph in a report about me when I was misdiagnosed with DID that talks about tulpamancy as a subculture but that acknowledgement didn’t ultimately do anything to persuade the professionals who believed my experiences as a system were psychosis - acknowledgement of non-disordered plurality by itself doesn’t do much to dismantle and reorganise oppressive systems like the Mental Health system in various countries (and the old connection to being sent away - to The Ranch, to a boarding school, to a group home, etc - as a teenager if you weren’t a ‘good child,’ where a response to an abusive environment can lead to you being consumed by the foster system, and even sometimes as an adult if people around you believed you were either a danger to yourself or society, which has connections to incarceration and a historical connection to asylums). I cannot be proud of being a system while knowing that.

There’s a tiredness connected to historical violence and people’s attempts to say that all of this is in the past (it is not).

And there’s also a tiredness connected to people trying to build community that ultimately just is a bunch of cliques because of drama, trauma responses, and incredibly hostile responses to identity that is perceived as cringe/fake (which includes people dealing with irl stalkers, doxxing, irl violence).

And I know that syscourse is a part of the second thing, where some people still trust the medical healthcare system with their full chest & say anyone who doesn’t is anti-science (likely from the perspective of ‘the only people who don’t trust the medical system are folks like anti-vaxxers who deserve to be mocked’), and where some folks police the DID/OSDD diagnosis so strictly because either that’s what the societal system did to them or because it likely validates personal trauma (where having DID is connected to the ‘worst trauma’ and the ‘worst trauma’ gets acknowledged and validated) so anyone who doesn’t have the ‘worst trauma’ doesn’t belong in the community or something else entirely. There’s also the optics argument where DID historically is connected to professionals insisting that it is fake or hysteria, so only people who have ‘real DID’ are allowed to publicly talk about their experiences because the public must have a specific view of DID/OSDD in order for people to get support. Which wraps back into the first thing (it’s trauma all the way down).

Maybe this makes zero sense but hopefully someone can make sense of what I’m trying to say here.

#community

[lemon-sugarcoats-nothing]

OOC Bee rambles 🐝

Me: lol yknow [brother's name], you might actually be autistic. I might be autistic too

My uncle, whom i see once a week now and didnt used to see as often: Noo, i don't think any of you are autistic ^^

Imposter syndrome: He probably knows better, he has a degree in sciences n stuff and he's a lab tech- pwp

Me: ah- haha okay

and then realism hits one day, doing the dishes.

He didnt study psychology specifically; it may have been a unit in his program, but the likelihood of him having to study ASD specifically is slim. Based on his other passing assumptions about autism, I can determine that even if he knows the textbook ASD criteria, he does not know the experiences of actual autistic people.

I've been studying psychology stuff as a hobby, on and off (mostly on) foorrr... About 4 years??? At least 3 years. (memory of when is fuzzy) Consuming videos from licensed therapists (some of which have recently been getting little banners on their videos confirming they are in fact licensed therapists/psychologists! Cool feature), reading up on the diagnostic criteria myself (though, it's been a while), watching videos by diagnosed autistic people about their experiences, watching videos about parents' experiences raising young autistic kids (both high and low support needs, tho I try to avoid the videos that patronize or talk down to their kids.), and last but not least; talking to autistic friends, and our experiences being neurodiverent.

He doesnt see our everyday life, he only sees one 6ish hour period of our one day a week, if that.

A lot of the time I find that Imposter syndrome makes me doubt just how much I know. And while I know I'm not a qualified source for anything super science-y, I at least know that I know more than my uncle on whether or not my brother and i MIGHT be autistic.

And frankly right now, self assurance that its a possibility is the only thing I can afford to go off of; both in terms of finance, and in terms of rights over my own damn medical care. Both are struggles my uncle wouldn't fully understand. I'm already pushing my luck with trying to get an ADHD diagnosis.

All that being said, I still love my uncle and talking to him is interesting /pos. Who knows, maybe he's autistic too. /hj (Granted, we both geeked out over Astronomy theory stuff while i was taking the class)

#ooc #rant #autistic