#feel free to dm me bc i am reaching a Point | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

red-riding-wood · 2 months

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I’m so sorry about what happened to you and so many others. Disgusting misogynistic behavior. You all deserve so much better ):.

Also sending this bc I do believe he has made two new accounts. Drcranessweetestdoe and monsterfromthewoods. I have no proof these are him ,but it just strikes an absurd resemblance to his writing and he seemed to interact with both of them a few weeks ago. The first one hasn’t blogged in weeks either. Just seems strange. Once again though, I could be wrong. Just something for everyone to stay weary about. Stay safe ❤️

Thank you for the well wishes, anon! I really do appreciate you reaching out. <3

From my conversations with @drcranessweetestdoe, she does not behave like Kill (nor does her writing style compare to his), and I am pretty positive he is incapable (or at least very bad) at taking on different personalities since I believe I witnessed his attempt with the second account you mentioned. Aurora is very sweet, and she used to be a fan of Kill's writing and mine. I don't want people to be suspecting her of foul play because I do believe she is genuine. Kill has a pattern of reblogging fics as a way of seeing what victims he can latch onto and I see that as a coincidence with his reblog of Monster's.

As for @monsterfromthewoods... I was hesitant to make a callout, mainly because no one has actual solid proof that he is Kill. But, there is too much evidence for me to ignore, and I wanted to give my honest opinion and observations. Monster, if you are not this person, feel free to reach out and vouch for yourself, and if I am wrong, I am deeply sorry.

Fuck that. As I was typing this message up, I decided to check my DMs and noticed that my friend had said that he gave her the same name that, as of this morning, was revealed to me as his actual name along with his real picture and Facebook profile. That really sealed the deal for me. Here is the rest of my evidence to prove that this is "Kill":

Monster followed my friend around the same time that she blocked Kill.

Monster followed me the same day that I sent Kill a confrontational message, calling him out for his lies and pleading with him one last time for medical treatment and answers.

From the posts on Monster's account, and the one comment I know he made on my friend's post, his personality exactly fits Kill's. This is why I said I do not think he is capable or likely to be able to craft a believable persona.

Monster made a post about suicide, and a pro-Palestine post, the former of which Kill discussed with me a lot and the latter my friend pointed out as suspicious since Kill was also very strongly pro-Palestine. Seeing as Monster doesn't have that many posts yet on his blog, this isn't irrefutable evidence but it is very coincidental.

Lastly, I actually did my best to analyse and compare Kill and Monster's writing, since I had recalled a few things that stuck out to me when I read Kill's writing. Him and Monster share many similarities with their writing habits/consistencies. They are as follows (the examples listed are from 18+ content so please do not view if you are a minor):

Use periods and exclamation marks -- but never commas -- as punctuation to end dialogue tags.

Starter dialogue tag always facing outward. Like: ”So... Tight”

Tend to each use a snapshot style of writing, favouring incomplete sentences with frequent use of periods. Examples: K: "His mind, usually so sharp. Focused and organized like the most expensive machines. A killing machine, that worked in perpetual motion, living off killing, adrenaline used like a drug." M: "Your dear, understanding doctor. Doctor Jonathan Crane, who laughed out loud suddenly a couple moments ago. The dark colour covering his exotic looking eyes as he revealed his real nature to you."

Similarly, they both tend to avoid using possessive pronouns and determiners. Examples: K: "_ Pale, little pussy peaked from between her thighs." M: "The scars covering _ man's pale skin," _ = absence of "her, that, the," etc.

Often use adverbs after verbs in a way that feels out of place.

Capitalise after ellipses, always.

"Y/n" always has a lowercase "n".

Sometimes use three ellipses, often use only two.

Use "pants" but never "trousers".

Yeah, so, I may have spent way too much time on this. And I think most of this is redundant, now, especially after the name revelation, but still, I put work into it and didn't want it to go to complete waste lmao. I also had no idea until I was tagged today that apparently there are programs that do this sort of thing for you. Oops.

#asks #mrkdvidal1989 #worst con man I've ever seen

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sexboobomb · 9 months

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Wait I think I figured out how to make a pinned post. Turns out it’s very simple and I was just autistically overthinking it.

UPDATE 9/18: I will be adding many flavors of content to my reblogs instead of just liking them, some of it is bc I want to support the artists who make stuff I like, and some of it is bc I have decided that it's in no way shameful to (gasp) be attracted to stuff. Most active hornyposting and explicitly sexual content will stay on my sideblog, but if you continue following me then from this point on be aware that I will occasionally post things that may be suggestive, lewd, or downright explicit. I have also added the URL to my sideblog down below, for those interested.

Hi there >:3

You can call me V. I’m 22, autistic, adhd, and transfem! I’m a polyamorous bisexual lesbian (so far, exclusively t4t, but I’m open :3). I live in Seattle, and as long as you aren’t a creep or weirdo I’m open to making friends! I am currently in wonderful relationships with @cynthjam, @draconianfleet, and @foxgirlpuddle!

Trying to try new things and to be a bit more shameless, because I figure I should try to like myself as much as other people seem to. I’m still learning some of my limits, and breaking a few, so feel free to ask me all manner of things but don’t always expect an answer. I occasionally hornypost, but most of the more explicit stuff stays on my sideblog, transgirlhornyposting. Horny asks should also be directed to my sideblog if you want a serious answer. I may put the URL here eventually.

I may include more about my interests here in the future, but for right now I’ll stick to introductions. Check back later and I’ll probably have this updated!

Reblogging my stuff is not only appreciated, but actively encouraged! I enjoy very few things more than I enjoy sharing my interests with others, and reblogging helps me reach as many people as possible with that!

This one is a little bit unusual I'm sure, but for the time being I will not be interacting with any Picrew stuff such as Picrew rebog chains. I have nothing against Picrew, it just sets my dysphoria off more severely than damn near anything else. Wish it didn't but it does, so for now I have to avoid it.

I will block minors, creeps, bigots, or anyone who gives me those vibes even if not explicitly clear. Ageless blogs will be blocked, because I’m not taking any chances here.

As a rule of thumb from now on, I generally will not directly interact with folk (eg. DMs) unless I see you have liked this post to show me you’ve read it and respect my boundaries.

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sttoru · 7 months

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Girly idk how I wasn't following you still, tumblr isn't stupid, I'm sorry that you are feeling on the outskirts of the fandom as well. You are a wonderful person and writer, and I'm glad you’ve been growing as you have been. You deserve so much more love!! 💕

It does make me feel like there is something wrong with me or like in off putting when i see several big blogs talking to each other, boosting each other. But then I drop in, just say hi to be friendly, only to be ignored. When they are literally responding to various anons or other people.

It seems like they want to talk to everyone else but me. Which has me feeling like I'm in the wrong, I'm bothersome and unwanted in the fandom space. They don't have to talk to me, but my feelings are still gonna be hurt at being shunned by 90% of the blogs I try to interact with.

It does kill my motivation since I don't want to be seen as someone who just posts. I want to be seen as a friend and someone to talk to.

I understand that some people get along better than others. But damn so many people are having this problem it seems like. It's boiling down to popular blogs like other popular blogs, boost other popular blogs and they stay the main people in the fandom eyes whole everyone sits quietly in the side just wanting to be partly including

Feel free to rant right back if need be. Cause I get needing to get this shit off your chest, cause I sure as hell needed to

hiii feyyy !!! dwww, it’s all good :> thank u sm for ur nice words aaaaaaa u r as well, one of the writers on here that i respect 4 their hard work !

gonna vent a bit haha need to get some things off my chest too like u said;

i get ur first point!! it sucks rlly. especially when you are the first one reaching out (which takes a lot of courage, especially for someone socially awkward like me lol) and then it hurts DOUBLE because you get ignored. i get ittttt rlly. for me, i always try to reply ppl even if im a bit late because im either thinking of a proper response or am distracted or busy , but i never intentionally ignore anyone interacting with me. i know some ppl on here do bcs they don’t feel entitled to respond to comments or anons or whatev, which is like ? ok. but if it’s someone just being friendly and complimenting you / your work … it’s not hard to reply w a form of gratitude . some rlly think they’re celebrities on here and it needs to stop

and it’s understandable and totally valid to feel like you’re being shunned and unwanted by people you just want to befriend , only for them to ignore you / not interact with you but with everyone else :/ it sucks and ppl don’t seem to realise that it could hurt other’s feelings. i hope you know that you’re not unwanted tho! those people are just… idk, a bit weird (ofc im only talking abt people who INTENTIONALLY ignore others)

findjng a friend on tumblr with the same interest is like a chore. you either click instantly or you think you do, only for it to be fore 2 interactions max and then you go back to ignoring each other basically on dash

AND YOUR LAST POINTS!! so true. its that the more popular blogs just stick together and help each other out when ??? there are smaller blogs of writers / artists just sittng in the sidelines like ‘ok so what do i have to do to gain traction if the people with a bit of bigger platforms are totally ignoring me & my works’

it’s actually tiring. ofc, me having 3k followers — i am suuuuper grateful, not complaining much, but i also know how it feels. my notifications are super dry except for mainly likes, my dms are like a desert, inbox is 98% only of anons who drop requests and then leave without leaving anything else. no one to talk to, except for people who leave a comment every once in a while :/

like u may think bcs i have decent following i actually gain more interactions? not rlly. only likes & sometimes reblogs w tags. that’s all really, i don’t really have anyone on here who i consider a close online friend (as much as this sounds sad & cringy LMAOO) but its tiring to see everyone be so close to each other on dash while im on the side like ‘how nice it must be to get that much interaction’

& im sure there are people who r gonna say ‘just interact with them’ I DO and i either get left on read or they respond dryly / or i don’t get the same energy back. bcs sometimes im reluctant to reach out first because it always ends up w me taking the initiative & i end up looking desperate to get an interaction with a mutual LOL

anyways thinking abt this tumblr writing community makes my head ache bcs of all the things ive seen and experienced on here (also on my prev account which i had for 2 years)

#𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒.#ANYWAYS……. this was a long vent #thank u fey xoxo #i can rant abt this for hours on end on a vc i think #and go in depth #tis crazy

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be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie · 11 months

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Real quick PSA for the followers, just to make sure my positions are clear on some issues and to make sure I am not causing any unintentional harm (that devolved into a minor hiatus):

-If I'm intending to talk about something specific, I'll mention it, I promise.

-I do be forgetting that you all recognize me on both my A03 and my tumblr. It is surprising to me every time. I tend to be vERY flippant on here, especially in my tags. I think we have reached a point where I should be more careful lol. I am not used to having an actual effect, so if I have an effect you don't appreciate, or I say something hurtful, please please bring it up to me! Dms, anon, replies; idc, I'm always down for a conversation.

-I am not in the business of apologies I do not mean, and I certainly do not back down from my opinions, I think that's been fairly clear. So, if I apologize it's because I mean it, and that won't change.

-I make a lot of posts that are critical of fandom culture in a lot of different fandoms, and culture around specific characters as well. I want it to be very clear that unless I am directly interacting with another user, then the criticism should never surround anyone specific. I never want to direct hate ever, unless I'm tagging.

-If there are questions about the appropriateness of my headcanon posts in response to asks, that can be changed. I would really hate to be making my very small community uncomfortable. I had thought I was fairly clear on the blogs boundaries and what I think is appropriate, but perhaps I haven't been careful enough. Please feel free to address issues with me, or to block me. That is always an option of course.

Uh, that being said, I might take a couple days. I have used this blog for fun and friends since 2015, it's not my first time fucking up nor will it be the last. But, it's upsetting to me that my blog might be harmful to some (who I hadn't intended it to be harmful to, it's always been an active warzone for irredeemable character excusers lol, since 2015). The queue will go on as usual but no new posts for a bit while I figure out if things need to change. I'll respond to DMs tho, probably, bc I'm obsessed with my mutuals.

#rip to the finish the asks today mission I was on #i'll probably feel less bummed tomorrow hopefully #but i have disturbingly strict morals for some reason and it makes me upsetty spaghetti when i feel like i wasn't living up to them #but again; this is not aT anyone please god i'm simply wordvomitting #what i said got me here and that is my fault of course and thats fine that's a non issue #i just am now worried that i was being harmful before that #my therapist also named melissa is gonna love this #i have a list going of things i think we need to discuss and before today it was “i should be diagnosed with something”#“is it bad to keep peer pressuring my mom to get a new dog”#and “what does it mean that when my mom folds my clothes i have to refold them like marie kondo”#now we finally have a real topic lollll #that kid at work better not say everything is my fault when i make him wash his hands again i might loose it #that was a joke for claritys sake #gimmie a day or two to put back on the armor back on lol #i am moral and always have a clear well written and opinionated answer that i feel strongly about #and won't ever change my position on and everything i do is for the good of the oppressed #that armor #hubris is the ultimate enemy of self doubt #that is another joke #melissa og #melissa bullshit

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pastelfable · 10 months

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🌈WOAH🌈

hi i'm fable and this is a pinned post

🌸the basics(tm):

21 yrs old

she/her pronouns but gender is [REDACTED]

lesbian

general fuckoffs apply no racists, homophobes, transphobes, pedos, etc get off my lawn

u can reblog anything I post I don’t mind 🐇

🌸tag guide!!:

#fablespeaking: i just be sayin things

#fablart: fable's art!!

#fabloc: fable mind creatures (OCs)

#fabvibes: aesthetic stuff

#gaymering: gaming related (screenshots, etc.)

#quwu: queue

i don't have any fancy tags for individual characters or fandoms bc I Will Forget so it's just their normal names (OCs will have a little (oc) after their name)

#4 l8r: references, websites, whatever stuff that might be useful at some point

#bnuuy: bnuuy

currently i'm really into PSO2/PSO2NGS, fire emblem, and cult of the lamb!! my big blorbos atm are pietro pso2, glen pso2ngs, the lamb from cotl, and edelgard, caspar, and linhardt from fe3h :3 in general tho i really like creepy + cute things AND JACKALOPES!!!

ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO DM ME OR SEND ASKS OR WHATEVER i love talkign to people but i have an irrational fear of reaching out. i am an extrovert but also my paranoia strangles my brain

my PSO2 PID is FableChaos, my main ship is ship 3 but I also play ship 2! I need to make a character guide evenchualey

if u want to know more abt me or get to my other socials u can check out my carrd! :D

#pinned post #YIPPEE

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the-knaves-world · 2 years

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Hello Amy 🌺🌻💕

Lilia going through the trouble of bringing his love across the world and into twisted wonderland just has my mind whirling. Can you imagine? Its a reincarnated love that's he's been searching for, for a long long time and he's finally found them...but they are in another world. So, he uses his magic to bring them over. ...what if... what if that eventually leads to his overblot a la book 7 because he also used magic to stop malleus ObB? nooooo mind why you going angst on me?? 😭😭

using that line of us is not fair at all! and he knows what he's doing! trying to hide from him would make it worse too. "are you being bad? shall I teach you?" *flashbacks to club lilia line*

Ah thank you!, I'm glad you do 🥰🌺💜💕 If I ever annoy you with the tags, let me know though. I don't want to overwhelm you 🙏💕🥰

if Idia grew on you now, then book 6 will make him bloom. unless, you already know what happens? 👀

I simp for everyone but I have been narrowing the list down to who I focus more on more sometimes than others.

we share some favorites 👏

so my list goes: deuce, riddle, vil, rook, idia, all of diasomnia lolol

for ace, leona, kalim I would have to be in a certain mood for and they would have to be written a certain way. its hard to explain 🤔

everyone else its as mood strikes I guess, but ortho is always baby bro. sane with trey, I like him but... something about his situation with riddle unsettles me so it depends for him too.

please ramble on, I love rambling and talking about who we simp for and such

lilia will never let you go 😘 this bat dad came for my throat. he has so much potential?? he's a family man, raised three kids, has fun, his past makes you wonder what he's hiding.just... so much potential

please, feel free to chat with me. I love talking about similar interests. I also see that your into ikemen prince 👀 and you know labyrinth and howl 👀👀👀 I have a really good labyrinth fanfic if you like Sarah/jareth fanfics 👀💜

hjdkdhjhjhk Amy you should be sleeping at 6am 😂😭 though I'm the last one talking. I dont usually sleep until 3 am 😂😂

Lila going through all the plans to try and start a family with you.

Lilia "everything I have done, I have done for you." vanrouge

I will talk all night if given the chance! Any time you wanna chat, dms and ask box are open!

That was my thought process for my fic last night! I just alluded to it so very slightly.

Just try to hide your face in his shoulder or chest after he teases you about it!

'Lilia reaches down to grip your chin in his large hand and pulls your chin up to ensure you are looking at him. "Oh little human, how precious, you think you can hide from my eyes? Come now, you should know that I quite like having your eyes on me always."x

This man knows how to tease and does it so well.

That club card line gives me unholy ideas🥴🥵

You will never annoy me with tags! Any chance to consume more content puts a smile on my face! Likewise, if you ever get tired of tags, lmk and I can cut back!

I know a bit about book 6! I just wanna see these men *cough cough* idia and Lilia *cough cough* in uniforms

Your list sounds perfect tbh🤔🥺 seems like you would have the perfect mixture of subby boys :deuce, riddle, idia and silver:, dominate boys like :lilia, rook, malleus: and ofc the switches :sebek and vil:. Sounds like a good lineup for a Friday night🥵🥴😏

I get what you mean when it comes to most having to be mood based! Me with vil and Deuce! Deuce is so sweet that I wanna protect him but I also wanna throttle him sometimes bc, CAN WE NOT BREAK SHIZ GUYS? Love him but he would get us thrown out Nightraven College so fast our heads would spin!

Trey prolly has something to do Bigger plot points in game tbh, he knows too much about everyone that don't really say or do much (like idia) same for leona.

I will talk over our simp squad sm!

Not to be nsfw but like...I wanna make riddle, epel and jamil cry😏

My lilia hcs are that he never really fell in love and shuttered his emotions to deal with them during war time and then he was raising the prince and then his human son and practically adopted crocodile son. He met you then he just feels his chest swell and yearns for something, someone, other than peace.

When He found his fated one in another dimension, in fae lore they are said to be able to walk any plane or dimension (because they aren't of the earth), he pulls a Jareth and pulls you to twisted wonderland and doing his job of saving the world takes sm energy that he kinda goes into a coma while malleus recovers from his overblot. Everything is tense for a while and eventually sebek comes to expect your soft humming of a song that Lilia always used to sing to him and the others growing up.

Silver brings you his father's favorites. All three of the boys come every night after class to the infirmary to listen to their new parent tell stories of their world. I can only imagine how the reveal of Lilia being the one to bring them to twst went!🤣😋

I love the whole ikemen series! Favorites from ikesen are kichou, kanetsugu and kenshin!

Ikepri is chevalier, imma sucker for that man, Keith and Gilbert!

Ikevamp is vlad, LEONARDO, Charles, Isaac and mozart!

Howl is amazing and such a brat (lilia much?)! Sarah/jareth brings joy to teen and child me! Younger me wanted to be whisked away by the fae man🥲. Not much has changed, obviously 💅

It's like 4:09 rn and we seem to either be on the same time zone or just a few hours apart. But I'm horrible with time so I'm prolly wrong about that.🤷‍♀️

Lilia would absolutely have a whole book of plans and a ton of fae/human baby name books!

Lilia "lemme cuddlefuck you on the couch while the kids are asleep in their rooms waiting for santa" Vanrouge

But that's prolly just me👀

I could talk about jamil, idia and Lilia for hours tbh

I might be awkward but when I start talking, I get comfy with people way too quick.😣😅

#sorry #they're all mine guys #amyspeaksnonsense #hana🪄#back and forth banter with the guys could be hilarious #I'm picturing you talking with a group of the guys and your guy of choice in that moment comes up and wraps his arms around your waist #kisses your neck #looks up to everyone else #goes #and proceeds to pull you with him and make it abundantly clear that you won't be walking without his help anytime soon #🥵

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transfemsamwinchester · 1 year

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And you're still in the SPN fandom, basically proving my point that you're a hypocrite lol

obsessed with you putting this ask on anonymous as if i don’t know who you are. i touched a nerve with the cat addition, huh babe?

i am not in the fandom, i just have this url bc i’m deeply unwell about sam winchester. all my former spnblr mutuals and i have moved on from spnblr, bc it’s a toxic environment. i mostly keep the url bc i haven’t had the time to brainstorm a new one yet. in regard to you accusing me of hypocrisy, here’s what i’ll say: when it comes to consuming problematic media, there is a point of no return where consuming the media, even critically, becomes indefensible. one aspect that contributes to how soon that point of no return is reached is how relevant the media property still is. harry potter, still being extremely relevant, has a far sooner point of no return than spn, a show that ended 2 and a half years ago and that, even at the height of it’s popularity, you only had about a 50/50 chance of someone you asked on the street knowing what it was about. if you’d like to hear more, feel free to dm me, but i’m not going to continue to subject my mutuals to this. if you send me any more anonymous asks, i’ll delete them, so i suggest you not waste your time

#the word of chuck #anon hate #ask to tag

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awkward-smirks · 7 months

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instagram/life rant

cw: depression, peer comparison, isolation, oldest daughter problems

don't reply or message me about this. i'm ok! 💖 just needed to write tonight and don't want to talk.

it's my yearly hiatus from instagram. went into a manic frenzy — cursing, hissing, hair pulling from frustration and need — feeling extremely desperate to deactivate my account. so i did that just now. didn't really plan for this to happen today, esp bc i posted a story earlier and felt fine, but it usually happens around this time of year (typically after the high from my late sept birthday wears off and i'm hit with seasonal depression pretty strongly.)

it kinda sucks bc i actually really love instagram. i mainly use it to post on my stories. this year, i've been keen on making lil collages for the days i go out and have fun. i usually share these w close friends, throw it into my yearly highlight, and that's it. i also use it as my main texting app for my friends bc it's easy to reach them and i like the layout for DMs. so honestly, this has been the best and most healthiest year of using the app. my handle on fomo is better, my jealousy is doing a little better, i've gotten rid of some people from my awful stupid university (the people were not awful and stupid btw, we just didn't connect past going to the same school), and i've made my profile feel so much more like me photo-wise — books and colors and food and friends and memes and even selfies now. :)

but idk. this time of year hits me really hard. i feel the clawing need to disappear, to isolate, to rip myself out of my perfectly curated group of friends and stop existing to them. maybe it's bc i can't do it irl, but the temporary relief to not exist to my social circles feels so freeing even if it's one app.

a part of me feels like i'm also deeply ashamed of where i am at life now and there's a need to hide from the pity and judgement (that i'm probably just making up). i'm not comparing myself to my friends, but personally looking inwards, i'm not happy. i'm stagnant and disgusting and i don't want people to see me this unhappy.

i don't want to really talk about it with anyone. i'm stuck and i have the kind of problems no amount of support/talks from friends will help. everyone offers to listen but i don't ever want to talk. ever. it's gotten to the point where the only friends who stay with me are the ones who let me slink away in silence and know i'll be back when i'm ok again. they don't take my privacy offensively/personally. they've watched me through my depression and have never punished me for it, never threatened to leave or find a more available best friend or argue with me about it. the bar is low but i still appreciate it bc it takes a lot of trust and patience.

it's like ... i don't need people to help me out of my sadness. i need people to stay at a distance and wait. no words, no trying to make me feel better. just silent patience as i pull myself out. it just takes time. usually a few months, usually through the holidays. i'll still routinely call and they'll pretend like i'm ok while we talk and then we'll hang up and they'll wait until i come back. but the kindness to pretend - that's what i need.

but yeah. i'm unhappy. i'm very stuck in life. i want to throw up and lay down and sleep until i get it all out of me. until the sadness leeches out. until i wake up and my head isn't so foggy, when i'm not looking for my next distraction. i want to drive. i want to move away. i want to leave and be closer to my best friends. i love my city. i love my family. i rep both so hard. i just need a fucking break.

my parents want me to learn to drive and they really don't understand that once that happens, i'm not coming back for a long time. i love them. but if i don't do something to grow, my mind will rot here in my childhood room in my childhood twin sized bunk bed and the dresser from my dead grandmom fashioned into a desk for my 25-year-old self.

but that's enough of that. back to what i started this post about:

i deactivated instagram. i will escape for a little bit, and then i'll be back when i can pull myself together just enough to be presentable again.

#sandy rambling #low night tonight

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hi-i-do-stuff · 2 years

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Just checking in as the one who requested the Cynthia request concerning I think it revolved around a Plasma grunt essentially aiding her as it was that or be put behind bars. Then along the way you become a turncoat. Not sure, my memory is fuzzy given it was a month back. Remembering what I did request and see this I gotta ask did what I request was that bad in terms of difficulty? I done a request myself recently but for another fandom. With what they gave for the parameters to do the one shot about went to the point where I dread doing it. Not only was it the character to be paired with but given what it was I had to someone find a way to fit it to a plot. It took rather a long time but I did it as I did said to them that I would do it. I’m not sure how to end this but there’s the question I put. Feel bad about it as the way it was sounding it’s sounding like you’re doing what I had to do. Forcing yourself to complete it as like you said how nothing said you won’t do her character.

Goodness, I didn't mean for you to worry! I assumed it was a mistype with the grunt correlation as the way you had worded it, I'll have to rewrite some. But honestly yes, I am somewhat forcing myself to complete it, but y'know you're being so nice and understanding about the situation that it feels kinda bad not to be completing it too yk? Cynthia is on the verge of being a trigger character for me, but I'm scared to announce that due to how Cynthia fans will react to it, some have even claimed people to hate women in general bc they don't like Cynthia. I don't like her because of bad past experiences with other people, but that doesn't mean others cannot like her, and I feel like you gave me a whole LOT of things to work with on terms of this fic. I do not blame you, nor any of the characters, the more info about the fic the better honestly, I'm just a little stuck, and being stuck is making me overwhelmed. Thank you for reaching out however, you and my follwers continued support through this little bit of a bump in my life is making me feel a lot better then I think you could imagine. Please feel free to dm me if you have any further questions though, they're always open.

#not an ask #joey answers #shoutout to normal Cynthia enjoyers #you guys are cool #the others however

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winter-soldier-vibes · 3 years

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Hey darling ❤️ love your writing 3000 :) can u do one with Bucky x reader (they’re together) where he overhears the reader on the phone with her parents that are emotionally & verbally abusive towards her (they always have been) and the reader has to explain it all to him afterwards even tho she’s having a panic attack (bc she’s afraid bucky will leave her since she has no one else to go to ??) and bucky comforts her and reassures her that he’s gonna be there for her and like comfort fluff? I live in an emotionally abusive and manipulative household rn and I tell you your fics are like an escape for me. Even if u don’t do this thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

Hey there, I love you 3000 ❤ I am so so sorry to hear about your situation, and while I'm glad to hear that my writing is an escape for you, I want you to know that I'm here for you. No one should have to go through what you described. I hope that this can bring you some comfort but please, I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you. My DM's are open as well, you shouldn't face this alone. I'm here for you!!!

You owe them nothing

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3200 (ish)

Warnings: emotional abuse/gaslighting, manipulation, parent issues, tears, angst, breakdown, fluff.

---------

You really tried to keep it hidden. It wasn’t something that everyone needed to know about.

Your parents loved you, at least that’s what they had said. But it was one of those things where you felt like it was for show - the kindness that they showed when you were around others faded away once you were alone with them.

You remember once they had said “of course I love you, I’m your parent!”

But that made you wonder how they would treat you if you weren’t theirs.

They were horrible to you for as long as you could remember. Gaslighting you and making you feel like you owed them something even though they were the ones who should have taken care of you.

They were around but never…there. They would be there for family dinners but they were always riddled with criticisms of grades and who you were talking to and how you dressed. All of your hobbies were seen as a waste of time, something you should only do when you had nothing else to do. School came first, naturally, but there was always something they told you you had to do before you could do anything for yourself.

Yet when you would complain about being depressed, they told you to get a hobby because you never do anything.

Tired meant lazy, energetic and passionate meant loud and annoying. When you were quiet they thought you had nothing to say, yet when you expressed your opinions you were told to shut up.

You couldn’t win.

You could never make them happy, there was always something you were doing wrong.

They thought it was their right to monitor who you talked to and saw, what you did outside of school, what sports you could join. When you would say no to the school dances or parties you would make up an excuse about not wanting to go or having work to do. Your friends would call you a buzz kill. Little did they know you would give anything to go.

Whenever you would do something wrong (or anything, period,), your parents would yell at you. They would curse you out, make you cry, only to yell at you for crying like a little bitch.

The older you got, the worse it was.

You thought when you moved out it would be better. But you had all these years of being told you were worthless and having them be your providers. When you got your own place you didn’t really have any friends, nor did you really know how to make friends. You had a job to help you get by, you could support yourself. That wasn’t the issue. You could support yourself, you always had to.

It was that you were so lonely.

You wanted friends but you were so afraid of the criticism you would get. You were afraid to make yourself known, because you were always taught that being told what to do and taught what to think was much more appealing than having your opinion.

But this was an opinionated world.

You were good at what you did, so good that you had gotten a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. You thought that would make you happy, more importantly that it would make your parents happy, but no such luck.

“I got a really great job, guys.”

“Fantastic. I guess you’re just doing so great without us,” they had snapped.

“What? I mean… this is what you wanted right? For me to get a good job?” you had said, confused.

You heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Of course we do, what are you crazy about? Of course we wanted you to get a good job but you just deserted us like we were trash. Have we done nothing for you?”

You felt your heart sink in your stomach. ‘Of course you guys have, I love -”

“Don’t say what you don’t mean. If you really cared about us you’d be helping us out. You got a great job and probably have a huge paycheck that you hoard and you left us here to struggle to make ends meet.”

You took the phone away from your face temporarily to take a shaky breath. Of course they would go there with the salary, why wouldn’t they? All of your paychecks had gone to them, since it was their house and they were feeding you, leaving you with barely enough money for your car and gas and phone bills, only for them to suggest longer hours when you complained.

“I can help you guys out if you need,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady.

You heard an exasperated sigh on the other line again. “You really should be more grateful, you know? We raised you your entire life and then you leave us alone? You never even call us? You’re so fucking selfish.”

Then the line went dead.

You shook your head and felt tears in your eyes as you spoke to yourself. “Well maybe I would call you if it didn’t always yell at me.”

Of course, you would never say that.

See, it wasn’t so bad. You never said anything because they were only ever mean to you, which would make you uncomfortable. There were people out there that would get hit or who would have to raise themselves from a young age. Once you grew thick skin it wasn’t so bad, you were just being dramatic.

Right?

Your new job was fairly successful, you were fantastic at what you did. You did a lot of behind the scenes work, weapon repair and plans of action with missions. Not that they needed much help with that. Still, they took you in as their friends.

Well, as close as you would let them get to as friends.

It took a while before you warmed up to them. Everyone tended to keep to themselves, but not as much as you. You kept the parts of you hidden away - you were there for a job, you did it, and you did it well. You knew how to do your job but interacting with the team, making friends - you didn’t want to get emotionally attached.

Not like you knew how to make friends to begin with.

Naturally you were drawn to the quieter side of the team, once you were able to open up. They were all nice but sometimes the parties and the jokes were a bit much. You just didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing that would make you the punchline.

No one needed to know about you, or how you would spend your free time being yelled at through a phone with you trying to make it better. That wasn’t part of the job, so you shouldn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like anyone would want to help. You were just a nuisance to everyone around you.

Right?

No one talked about their life before the team much. Not many people on the team had a great life before the Avengers first came together. Natasha or Wanda had once spoken about how this team was a family. And as much as you wanted to believe it, you helped the team. You weren’t a part of the team. So even if that were true, it didn’t include you.

At least, that was your point of view.

The team viewed you as a part of the team as much as any of them. You didn’t fight with them but you made sure everything would go as smoothly. You were kind and great at what you did, but they wished you would open up more. Of course, being a team of people who had trouble opening up, they understood.

Bucky was one of the ones who took a liking to you, mostly because he saw a lot of himself in you. He could tell there was something that you were trying to get past but weren’t quite able to yet. That there was something bothering but you wouldn’t dare say it for fear of bothering someone. You threw yourself into projects and distractions and from the way you carried yourself, he guessed you were avoiding something that you weren’t ready to work through. At least, not yet.

He knew that feeling too well.

The ex-assassin was one of the easiest for you to open up to because he didn’t expect much from interactions. Both of you were quiet and kept to yourselves that there wasn’t much pressure to share anything or say anything. You knew his past but would never bring it up unless he wanted to. Which eventually, he did. You could tell he felt pressure to be who he was before HYDRA took him, and while Steve was surprised he opened up to you first, you weren’t. Steve knew Bucky before everything, and you didn’t have that bias. He was whoever he was today regardless of who he was yesterday.

And Bucky found comfort in that.

You think you would’ve too, if you thought you deserved it enough to do the same.

See, you were worried that you were making everything worse than it really was. You worried that maybe you were being too sensitive or that what you had grown up with was normal. With everything that everyone on the team went through, a few insults from your parents was hardly anything. You were being dramatic.

There was nothing to be sad or angry about. You just had to get over yourself.

Right?

You were getting by until one night when your parents called, as they did on occasion. You were in the middle of working, so you ignored it. The phone went to voicemail before it started ringing again, and you ignored it, again. The third time you sighed and picked up your phone, turning away from your work.

You took a deep breath before you answered. “Hello?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

You closed your eyes and brought a hand to rub your head. “Well I’m doing fine, thank you, how are you?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. What the fuck are you doing? You’ve been ignoring our calls.”

You stood up to pace the floor slightly, dreading the conversation that was coming. Is it the ‘family is most important’ or the ‘where’s my money?’ speech today? “I’ve been working.”

“What, so work is more important than family now? Is that what this is? You don’t care about us?”

Family speech it is.

“Dad -”

“What if one of us was dying? Huh? Would that be important?”

“Stop it. No one is dying, and I was working. And I have more work to do, so I really have to go.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, I’m your father.”

Gaining confidence you gritted your teeth and snapped, “You know what? I’m an adult now so you can’t tell me what to do.”

There was silence on the other end of the line and you could practically hear the steam coming out of your father’s ears.

At some point Bucky had come down to your working space to check on you, seeing as it was nearly morning. He stopped in the doorway, and seeing you were busy on the phone he thought he would stop by later to give you some privacy. But he stopped when he heard you snap.

You never snap.

“Who do you think you’re talking to you ungrateful little bitch?”

“I’m talking to the people who treated me like shit my entire life and ask me for money when you wouldn’t give me the time of day for 18 fucking years.”

Even you couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. But god did it feel good to say them.

“Are you fucking serious right now? We did nothing for you? What do you think we’ve been doing your whole life? We’ve done everything we did to help you be the best person you could be. You have that job now because of us and you have no right to speak to me that way.”

You chuckled darkly as you looked up at the ceiling, unaware of Bucky’s presence behind you. “My entire life all I’ve ever wanted to do was make you guys proud of me. But you know what? I’m fucking done. You hated me, gaslighted me, and made me hate myself almost as much if not more than you seemed to hate me.”

“I did no such thing you ungrateful -”

“You were supposed to love me and care for me, and all you did was take advantage of me. I’m not your child, I’m a paycheck. I don’t owe you anything because you gave me nothing. So you know what? FUCK. YOU.”

You hung up the phone and tossed it across the room, adrenaline taking over your body as you tried to stop shaking. Because a small part of you felt bad.

But fuck did that feel amazing.

You heard a throat clear behind you and you turned around to see Bucky, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You okay?”

You nodded nervously, rubbing the sides of your arms. “Yeah, I’m fine,” you said, unconvincingly. “How much, uh...how much did you -

“Enough,” he said, pushing himself off of the door frame as he crossed over to you. “Who was that?”

“Bucky, don’t, it’s really fine. I just got a little worked up.”

“Y/n,” he started, looking at you with concern. “Who were you talking to?”

“No one.”

“You don’t get upset like that at no one,” he took your hands in his. “Y/n, you're shaking.”

It was then that you realized your hands were still shaking, trying to keep the anxiety of what happened at bay.

It’s going to be so much worse now.

I can never talk to them again.

Is that a good thing? Didn’t I want that?

Bucky could sense you getting lost in your head. “Sweetheart, tell me what happened, please. I want to help you.”

You pulled your hands away from his and crossed your arms. “You can’t help me because there’s nothing wrong, okay? I handled it, it’s over. Done. nothing to worry about.”

“Y/n -”

“No really, there’s nothing you can do, okay?”

“Will you at least let me try?”

You looked at him, adrenaline starting to drain from your system. This was Bucky, your Bucky, who had never done anything but love and support you. He had never done anything to hurt you.

But what if he left you too?

You took in a sharp breath and curled in on yourself, a scared look on your face. Bucky crossed back over to you, seeing a scared look on your face.

“Hey, hey, y/n? Can you look at me?”

You brought your eyes up to meet his, feeling your chest constricting as you tried to keep your breathing even. It wasn’t working.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t… I’m fine really I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for,” he pulled you in for a hug and kissed the top of your head. “Let’s go sit down, okay?’

He led you over to your bed and you leaned forward, hands on your knees and head in your hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening, this - I’m sorry, it’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.”

Bucky rubbed a hand up and down your back, hushing you. “It’s not stupid. If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.” Bucky took a small breath. “Do you remember all of those times after nightmares and all those panic attacks you would walk me through? How I thought I was being stupid?”

“You weren’t being stupid”

“And neither are you.”

You took some more shaky breaths as tears kept falling down your face. “You’re okay. It’s alright, I’m right here.”

Bucky let you calm down, knowing you would talk about it if you wanted to. He wanted you to talk about it so he could help you (and hurt whoever upset you) but he wouldn’t force you into telling him anything you didn’t want to.

The two of you sat in the silence, Bucky looking at you with soft eyes as you kept your face hidden.

“I haven’t told you a goddamn thing about me. You ever wonder why?”

You looked over at Bucky, eyebrows creased with slight confusion.

“They said blood was supposed to be thicker than water. That family comes first, right? I spent my whole life listening to them and following them and being the perfect kid. I made myself into everything they wanted me to be. And it still wasn’t enough for them.”

Bucky tilted his head slightly. He hadn’t known his parents much before they died but he had always wanted to have more time. But he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that not everyone had good parents.

“You know, I remember thinking that once I made it they would be happy. That if I worked hard enough or went onto do great things that they would be proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted, you know?” you said, voice wavering as you let out a bitter laugh. “But it’s not, you know? Never is, never was, never will be. All they do is take and take and no matter how good I am they’re always gonna hate me because I can’t be perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, y/n.”

“Well that’s what they want me to be. I know I can’t be perfect so I know they’ll never be happy. That they’ll call me ungrateful and selfish for succeeding and for leaving them when they never wanted me to be there to begin with.” You felt tears spill over as you wiped them away. “And I’m ust so fucking done with being a disappointment to them and to everyone else.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I don’t know,” you said softly, not really wanting to be more vulnerable.

Bucky, sensing this was a time he could push you, challenged you. “I think you do.”

You shook your head. “I didn’t want anyone to see me the way they did. I thought what they said wasn’t true but...I just thought that maybe I was overreacting. Other people have it worse you know - some people have no parents or some have it so much worse. Mine just yell at me you know? Tell me everything’s my fault and that they wish they’d never had me. That I’m ungrateful for not being with them and that I owe them. I just...I heard that for the first 18 years of my life. I didn’t need any more of it.”

“y/n, that’s…” he swallowed, trying to contain his anger. “That’s not normal. No one should have to go through that. You can’t possibly think you're a bad person.”

Your shrug was enough to tell him that you did.

“Y/n, I don’t know who your parents think they are but you don’t owe them a damn thing. You may be related to them but you have no obligation to love your parents if they treat you like that. You have every right to be angry or to hate them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry with someone who hurt you.”

“But they’re my family.”

“Well they didn’t treat you like it. You have us now, you don’t need them anymore. We’re your family. And we’re not gonna leave you.”

“They didn’t leave me Bucky, I left them.”

“You can’t leave someone who was never there for you.”

----------

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luminous-studiess · 3 years

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Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long.

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart.

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed. this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks. - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap. regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour. - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep. - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come.

#mental health support #mental health tips #student mental health #uni tips #college tips #study tips #how to study with a mental illness 2.0 i think???#studyblr #asks

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faerielleart · 3 years

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Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜

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virtueangel · 3 years

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Hello, I would like a shot of JoanFK. Its their first date and Jack is kinda nervous about being "perfect" and "cool" and doesn't want to mess things up. He doesn't know what to expect because Joan is in charge of plans. She ends up taking him out for a drive and they get dinner at some kind if drive in. She helps him loosen up and be himself and they talk about their pressures of being a clone with expectations and about their favorite things (music, space, ect. be creative) . When it comes to affection they can just hold hands and hug bc that's all they feel comfortable with at the moment. If I need to be more specific about anything feel free to send me an ask or DM, whichever you feel comfortable with.

i try to avoid writing jfk’s accent at all costs but i made an attempt here, sorry if it’s off

JoanFK First Date Oneshot

"God, why can’t I, err, uhh, ever get it right?” JFK grumbles at his reflection in the mirror, pulling a comb through his product-heavy hair. “What if she thinks I didn’t, uhh, try?”

A car pulls into the driveway outside, and seconds later, JFK hears the doorbell ring.

“I’ll be one, err, uhh, second!” He calls, frantically smoothing down the collar of his shirt and giving himself one last look in the mirror before exiting his room and walking down the stairs. He takes a deep breath before opening the door, his palms shaking. He hopes his hands aren’t too sweaty.

“Hiya Joansie,” he says a little unsurely, trying to flash his usual “cool guy” smile.

“Hi JFK,” Joan says back.

“So, uhh, where are you, uhh, taking us?” JFK asks, not used to being surprised. Usually he’s the one in charge of plans, but Joan insisted. After all, she had been the one to do the asking-out.

Joan smiles deviously, but JFK chooses to read it as confidence. “You’ll see. Come on,” she says, grabbing him by the wrist and leading him out the front door of his house. He mumbles a quick goodbye to his foster dads, but he doubts they even heard him. Oh well. He’ll just text them later. It’s not like they really worry over his whereabouts anyway.

Joan and JFK climb into Joan’s car, Joan in the driver’s seat, of course. She backs out of JFK’s driveway, still not telling him what her plan is.

“Are you gonna drive us off a cliff, uhh, Joansie?” JFK asks, trying to make a joke out of a genuine concern.

Joan shakes her head. “God, so paranoid! Do you really think I’d do that?”

“I, err, uhh,” JFK fumbles, but starts to smile sheepishly when he realises that Joan is only kidding. Loosen up, JFK! He thinks.

Joan drives the car through the residential part of town, pointing out different houses to JFK. She likes the way the architecture varies, and JFK doesn’t really understand the difference, but he nods along anyway.

“I like that one,” JFK points to a dark blue house on a corner, trying to impress Joan.

Joan follows his gaze. She nods toward the house approvingly. “Yeah, I like that one too. See the arched windows? I think those are really pretty.”

JFK nods unsurely, trying to think of a smart response to that. “I like the, err, uhh, the doors,” he replies.

Again, Joan nods approvingly. “Mhm. It’s a really pretty house. Gosh, I’m surprised I’ve never seen it before.”

“It’s right on the corner!” JFK laughs, loosening up. “You can see it from the, uhh, intersection!”

Joan shakes her head, laughing at herself. “I know! I guess I just blow through here so quickly that it just blurs by.”

JFK smiles. Joan blushes a little bit, but hides it by looking back at the road.

“Have you eaten dinner?” She asks, changing the subject.

“You, err, uhh, asked me not to,” JFK replies.

Joan nods. “Good. Just checking.”

A couple seconds pass before JFK says, “Are you going to take us somewhere?”

Joan flashes him a grin. “As a matter of fact, I am.”

After a couple minutes, Joan pulls the car into a 70s-themed restaurant that looks a little bit like a gas station.

“Joansie, I didn’t expect you take me somewhere fancy, but this is a bit, uhh...” JFK doesn’t finish.

Joan giggles. “It’s not a gas station, I swear. It’s actually pretty cool. The waitresses are all on roller skates, and they bring the food out to the car on little trays that latch onto the window. It’s old-fashioned, I know, but don’t you think there’s a little bit of romance in old things?”

JFK picks up on a shimmer in Joan’s eyes, and he can’t help but take a deep breath and smile. “You’re really cute when you’re, uhh, passionate about things, Joansie.” He looks away, too nervous to make eye contact.

***

“Can I ask you something, JFK?” Joan asks once they’re finishing up their food.

JFK swallows a sip of his soda. “Sure,” he says, but he doesn’t sound so sure.

Joan turns toward him, fitting her mouth around the words that she’s about to speak. “I don’t get it -- you’re always so confident at school, always abrasive, always... talking. But I get you alone, and suddenly you’re not like that?”

“Are you, uhh, disappointed?” JFK asks sheepishly.

Joan shakes her head. “No, just curious. What’s that all about?”

JFK takes a minute to think about his answer before responding. “I, err, uhh, don’t know. I know that’s a, uhh, sad excuse. But I guess it’s easier to be, err, loud in uhh, crowds where no one’s singling you out. But I, err, uhh, get you alone, and, uhh, I don’t know what to do. Because I think you’re, uhh, really smart and cool and, uhh, pretty.”

Joan blushes.

“And, I’m, uhh, not used to letting someone else take the, err, uhh, lead. I’m used to deciding what we’re going to, uhh, do on the date. But I didn’t get to decide tonight.”

Joan smiles. “Yeah, sorry. I just didn’t want to make out with you in the back of your car.”

JFK laughs nervously. “Yeah, I, err, uhh, didn’t want to either. I mean, not that I don’t want to, uhh, kiss you, I just didn’t want to rush it.”

Joan blushes again, looking away this time.

JFK reaches for her hand and laces their fingers together. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t, uhh, want to.”

Joan turns to face him again and looks down at their intertwined hands. “Thanks, JFK. You’re a real gentleman.”

“You deserve a real, uhh, gentleman, Joansie.”

#clone high #clone high joan #clone high jfk #joanfk #oneshot #writing #headcanon

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