#from the very beginning i've been living for anyone but myself and now i don't know how to stop

[old-school-butch]

Hello again <3

I sent you an anon that you replied to on April 1st, which was me asking how ex-TIFs are received back into womanhood. Your reply gave me a little foothold which ended up very comforting as I started coming out rapid-fire to all my friends as detrans. this is primarily a message for other people in my situation, who are afraid and might want a template of what you might expect will happen once you do come out with it.

Predictably, most of my friends dropped me; I've 3 friends left. Two of which continue to support trans people but can accept that i have different opinions (as long as i'm "not mean") and one of which has seen the gender critical arguments, accepted them, and agrees. So, heavy losses, but not total losses. My two siblings seemed to sigh in relief and reveal that they never believed in genderism at all, which is odd, because in my 10 years of being trans not one of them challenged me on it. my mom fell into heavy guilt over "letting me" do all this, although i was 18 when i took testo and 19 when i got surgery, so she really could not have stopped me, legally. i suppose she mainly grieves knowing that had she had the right arguments she could have saved her kid this, but i've told her she is not to blame and i hope she recognizes that.

i haven't received any real harassment, not from anyone that i PERSONALLY know, though my family has received... harassment targeted at me? my sister had a classmate begin sending her copious pro-trans propaganda (contrapoints videos) which she instructed should be sent onward to me (sis did not comply). hilarious how my 10 years of direct experience is suddenly null and void and i'm assumed to know nothing about transness.... 6 months ago i was helping people sensitivity-write trans characters. now, i'm told i can't speak for the trans experience at all, and that i do not know what it's like to be a transmasc person. told that i need to listen to the arguments more carefully, that i don't LISTEN, when i literally lived this for 10 whole years. girl, on god? they tell me i don't get it and need to educate myself. and have empathy of course.

but in general, detransing, i've discovered that there are PLENTY of people who do not actually believe in genderism but who will play along simply out of fear or social pressure. my friends aside, who i knew through "queer" circles, everyone in my family (expect my mom) has revealed they never actually believed in it. i think this might contribute to why trans people bully dissenters so badly. they know this is the truth, that no one really buys it. i think, subconsciously, i have known that too. i never downloaded grindr, i never went into the men's bathrooms. i knew that despite testo and surgery and pronouns i could never challenge men as an equal in their eyes.

interestingly, making new friends is not that hard. I lead with the fact i'm detrans and "don't believe in all that shit" and people are VERY eager to be able to, suddenly, voice their real opinions without being called transphobic. they begin with probing questions, uncontroversial statements like "i agree they shouldn't put males in women's sports..." but if you continue to agree and not punish this daring on their part, they will reveal, with much relief and enthusiasm, what they really think. most people, normal people, really do not believe it all? i'm a brash person and can take irl confrontations quite well, hence i feel safe putting myself up as a transphobe off the bat. and people are very into this. so. the old ass saying, just be yourself.... normal people will not volunteer anti-genderist opinions on their own but when i continue to state thing after thing they open up and agree and eventually feel safe enough to admit their own thoughts. making friends, especially with non-gendie women, hasn't been that hard.

i'm going to write another message about same-sex attraction in the genderverse, but it's also a can of worms so i will make it separate from this one. again, thank you so much, for having anon on and listening, and letting us listen to each other without fear. i would hug you. to be continued

Thanks for the follow up!

My only comment is that I think most people play along out of kindness, it's not all bullying and fear, but that does impose a silence on everyone so everyone feels quite alone with their doubts.

[twilightcitysky]

Everything Is Meant (long S2 analysis, part 1)

I cannot figure out for the life of me how to make gifs so this will have to be a gif-less essay. If anyone more tech savvy than me wants to reblog with relevant media, please do!

I've seen a lot of people saying how Aziraphale's actions in the final ten minutes come out of left field and are OOC, and when I first watched the episode I felt the same, but now I think I couldn't have been more wrong. And I don't think Aziraphale is being controlled... I think the entire season showed us exactly what was going to happen.

On first watch, what struck me was the number of plot points that seemed disconnected. I couldn't figure out how Job related to the present, or the Victorian era, or the Nazi zombies (still at sea on the zombies part tbh). I didn't know where the Maggie/ Nina subplot was going, or why we were bothering with it. Then I put my "psych hat" on and it was like seeing one of those 3D pictures come into focus. It's a psychological networking rather than a plot-driven one, which is what Neil told us to expect.

Detailed analysis under the cut, with spoilers:

I went back through the season in my head and started asking myself: why is this element there? What does it contribute?

1. Start with scene one. Why include it? Does it matter for the climax that Az knew Crowley as an angel? YES. It's actually huge. Angel Crowley was joyful, he was bursting with delight at creation, he was idealistic. He wanted to be a part of everything rather than run away from it, and that's still how Aziraphale feels. He loves being a part of things. He's a joiner. He's a landlord. He dances at clubs and he makes human friends and he learns magic. Crowley the demon doesn't seem to want any of that, and I think that's hard for Az. He wants Crowley to be free of the cynicism he thinks prevents him from enjoying life now. At some level, I think he senses that Crowley is depressed (empathy's not his strong suit but I'm sure he's aware that Crowley's in a "what's the point of it all" kind of mood; see the eccles cakes scene). He wants to fix it. Aziraphale is a fixer. Metatron offers him a chance to do that.

Another thing is that Aziraphale knows Crowley ended up Falling just for asking questions that seemed innocent. That's not okay with him. He thinks that with the two of them in charge they can actually MAKE the changes that Crowley wanted to see way back at the beginning, starting with a suggestion box.

2. Okay, now Jim. Obviously Gabriel/ Jim is the central mystery, but why does he matter? First and foremost: he's there to show Aziraphale that angels can CHANGE. Gabriel terrorized and threatened Aziraphale. Az has been terrified of him. He ordered Aziraphale's execution. And now here he is, drinking hot chocolate, doing noble self-sacrificing things, with morals that suddenly align with Aziraphale's. What an absolute game-changer that must have been! He thought Heaven was unfixable, but here's Gabriel in his shop for weeks, slowly convincing him otherwise.

Then two other things happen. First, they find out that this all happened to Gabriel essentially because he fell in love. He was fired and his memories were stolen and the only reason he recovered was because Beelzebub happened to give him the one thing that could save him. That must have seemed like incredible luck. Now, how does Aziraphale feel about memories? He lives in a bookshop that is stuffed to bursting with the records of all of human history, essentially. His memories of his time with Crowley are incredibly precious. He sees, there at the end, that everything he is can be taken from him as a punishment for falling in love. Aziraphale doesn't have a magic fly container. He'd be forever robbed of Crowley, his life, himself. It's a very real threat in his mind when Metatron intervenes.

Which brings us to the second thing. Metatron saves Gabriel. Not only that, he prevents him from being punished for loving Beelzebub and lets them both go. What better way to win currency with Aziraphale? HE doesn't want to go off to Alpha Centauri, he never has, but suddenly he sees that Metatron might protect his relationship. And he's probably the only entity with the power to do so.

So we come to two conclusions: Aziraphale, when he goes off to talk with Metatron, is feeling like maybe it's not intrinsically bad to be an angel. He believed all the angels sucked, and only God was good... but now he sees that even Gabriel can change. He met Muriel, and he likes them. (He also had a huge crush on angel Crowley, which is neither here nor there but he loves Crowley in all his forms.) So if Crowley became an angel again, would that really be so bad? In his mind, it wouldn't change who Crowley is. It would just make them both safer and allow them to be together. (He's wrong! And Crowley doesn't see it that way! But this is a key miscommunication. Aziraphale doesn't really believe that becoming a demon changed Crowley. Back to the first scene, which Aziraphale references during the Job minisode. In his eyes, Crowley is the same person (just more cynical because of what's happened to him)-- so why would it matter if he's an angel again? I truly don't think he was trying to save Crowley, or saying that Crowley would be Better as an angel. To him, it doesn't matter what Crowley is. Which is reductive and harmful, but not the same as thinking Crowley needs rescuing from himself.)

Second conclusion: he sees that an angel and demon can be in love, but they have to run away to be together. Gabe and Beelz couldn't go home again. Earth is Aziraphale's home, but after the attack on the bookshop he learned that without Heaven's protection he can't really keep them safe there. Metatron says: "Come with me, do this thing, and you can have guaranteed safety AND be with the love of your life". Poor Aziraphale wants this with every fiber of his being. All he's ever wanted was for Crowley to be safe. He's never been able to offer it. Over the past four years, he thought they were safe, but he's just learned that he was wrong.

This is getting long. Continued in Part Two!

#good omens #good omens analysis #good omens meta #good omens season 2 #good omens season 2 spoilers #gos2 spoilers #everything is meant #the psychology of it all #forumulating a TV show in my spare time what can I say #crowley #aziraphale #character analysis #putting the pieces together

[killuagirly]

Hi <3 how about yandere freminet with fem reader who's always in a wheelchair, how would freminet try and court them especialy since there oblivious and don't believe anyone would like that way because of them being very week to the point they cant walk for long

Yandere Freminet x F!Reader

Summary: Freminet was obsessed with you, it couldn't get more obvious than that. But somehow, you still managed to remain oblivious to his methods of trying to grab your attention.

Notes: Apologies if I got this request wrong at all. Since I don't suffer from insecurities like this myself, it's a little harder to imagine to situation from the reader's perspective into detail!! D: [Also I really want to write actual yandere situations rather than just obsession, but then I also feel bad for the reader? Like how am I supposed to kill off most everyone you interact with and still comfort you??"

CW: Yandere, Obsessive tendencies, Insecurities, Reader is weak[in a wheelchair], Stalking, etc. Read at your own risk!

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Freminet

☆ You were just like any other average girl, except for the small inconvenience that you were bound to a wheelchair. Because of your situation, you begin to believe that it was near impossible for someone to be genuinely attracted to you. If only your oblivious mind had noticed Freminet's desperate attempts and romantic gestures to grab you interest.

☆ It got to the point where he began thinking outside of the box; instead of bringing you things from his diving travels and complimenting you constantly, he started to watch over you. He had a little notepad full of every little thing you liked. From your favorite color to your most worn pair of socks, he knew it all. He also knew you might get annoyed if he was following you around like a lost puppy all the time, so he took to observing in your footprint, always just out of your sightline.

☆ Still even with his best efforts, he just couldn't manage to get you to understand what he was trying to hint. You thanked him for all his gifts, compliments, and efforts to take notice of your interests; even though you didn't know the extents he was going to, but you just seemed to brush of any attempts of his obsessively obvious flirting.

☆ Maybe you didn't reciprocate his feelings for you, or maybe he was doing it all wrong. But in reality, you just couldn't come to terms with the fact someone may be romantically interested in you. From a glance, you believed nobody would even take joy in your company at all, not to mention that your dear friend Freminet could have much better opportunities and ways to spend his time.

☆ This time tough, he would make it different. Freminet's heart was racing, begging him not to go through with this. What if he ruined your friendship? At this point, he couldn't live without you but kidnapping you if he failed would be cruel. He had to force his overflowing thoughts to halt, and plead his feet to move toward you.

☆ "So [Name], I was wondering if we could talk for a bit. It's serious." The timid diver's voice shook as he spoke, he contemplated if this was just a mistake; too late to go back now though. "Yeah of course, anything you need?" You looked up at him from your accustomed seat in your wheelchair with a wondering gaze. With that, everything fell from his lips at once.

☆ "I've been trying really hard to get your attention. [Name] I really, really like you, actually, I love you. It's completely fine if you don't feel the same but I just.." The blonde went on and on about all the things he loved about you. Your physical attributes, your tastes, he managed to even bring up habits you didn't even know you possessed yourself. You sat there, stunned while he confessed his entire heart to you. Really, you felt the same. You just had a habit of forcing those thoughts down in fear that he wouldn't feel the same. In your view, who would anyway??

☆ Well, Freminet would. Once his endearing voice came to a slow stop with nervousness written all over his features, he looked at your starstruck face searching for an answer. "Freminet.. I...." how could you even respond to that? Do you tell him you feel the same way?? "If you don't feel the same we can still be friends..!!" He said, panicked that he made you uncomfortable. "Yes..?" You said not even really knowing id that made sense. "What....??"

☆ "I, uhmm.. Yes, I feel the same way about you." A look of shock followed by pure bliss came from the boy. He instantly bent over to wrap his arms around your fragile figure making note not to injure you, and planted a kiss on your cheek. "Thank you so much [Name].." He spoke just barely above a whisper. "I'll love you forever."

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Masterlist

#KilluaGirly #Genshin Impact #Yandere #Freminet #Anon #Yandere Freminet #Yandere Genshin Impact #Yandere Genshin x Reader #Freminet x Reader #Yandere x Reader #Genshin Impact x Reader #Fem!Reader

[laundryandtaxes]

I think it's interesting that, a decade ago, I saw a lot of mainstream pushback against the very concept of butch flight (loosely, the concept that what proponents claim is an alarmingly large portion of very gnc women were beginning to form new identities in which they no longer considered thenselves women) and especially against the concept that an alarmingly large portion of very gnc women were beginning testosterone use and surgical interventions to cope with their gendered discomfort. I saw with my own eyes many an indiginant person shout that they knew many, many such people, and almost none of them were either forming new identities and/or turning to medical interventions, and that this was proof those changes were only occurring in people who had some inherent need for them. When I spoke with a professor about a paper I was working on on butch identity formations in a particular time period, she gave me a few potential sources and added blithely and presumptuously, "And I'm assuming you don't want to read anything about butch flight or things like that." I took note of these things even as I have been very clear for years that I think there is, in fact, something to see here. Experiences and cultures vary. While I did not see many people who lived in places like myself- big or medium cities, or citylike pockets near universities such as college towns- take so much issue with the concept, but I could not factually know what portion of us was affected, and where, and how.

Over that same decade, I have seen group after group after group of women like myself be affected by what I think is a real phenomenon- the spread of one particular way of coping with gendered discomfort among a population of people riddled with gendered discomfort, for whom entering an Uber, or presenting a passport in another country, or showing up for an interview, or going to a women's spa or changing room, can be nerve wracking experiences loaded with the weight of the quick, often totally unintended but sometimes outright cruel assumptions of other people. I have known one by one by one by one women who've decided, for various reasons, to end their testosterone use, or that they don't have a gender identity in a meaningful sense, or that they do and that identity is "woman." And I've watched as the phenomenon has become so commonplace that I've seen queer spaces shift their language on detransition- from "exceedingly rare" it has become "uncommon" for someone to stop because they changed their mind on continuing, or one totally benign form of identity exploration that a person was simply "wrong" about, and I have not seen the famous 1% "statistic" floated out by them in large pushes, as I used to. I have never argued before and will not now that it inevitably ruins a person's life to decide to stop a medical intervention, or to choose a medical intervention they come to regret. I have never argued before and will not now that looking uncommon for one's sex is a bad thing, or that the scar of detransition lies in one's ability to be accurately sexed by strangers. To be clear, the uptick in detransition and reidentification is not the point of this or my point- it is simply an inevitable consequence. Even if the 1% stat were correct, 1% of 1000 is still more than 1% of 10. That is, it is simply one of many byproducts of the increased change in identity among this population to begin with.

Now, in 2024, I honestly don't think I know anyone in my own country, especially anyone who lives in the kinds of places in it previously mentioned, who will earnestly decry that there is simply nothing to see here, and that the experience I'm detailing here is totally unfamiliar to themself and to any of their friends at all, and they have absolutely no idea what I'm seeing. I know some people who will chalk it up to increased public acceptance of transition leading to increased internal acceptance of transition and trans identity among people who were actually trans the whole time, and who argue that no one's identity has been actually influenced by what they are seeing and experiencing every day. I know some people who will chalk it up to increased information and access to medical interventions, where applicable. I do not buy that such a massive portion of this group was simply truly trans the whole time, but at least this argument attempts to account for the uptick. But I don't know any people who know a large number of very gnc women in similar social situations to myself who claim, out loud, that this isn't happening at all.

And yet the number of people that I see openly discussing the topic is just about the same, and the general hushed tone on the topic is just about the same, among LGBT people now as it was a decade ago, despite the decade of new inormation and experience. I don't individually have the way out of this cultural moment for us, and I admit that there is a real (if minute) possibility that the arguments that account for this by saying this was functionally inevitable/just a matter of more of us accepting that we require these interventions could be correct, but I think it's important that I continue to name the reality that I think I am seeing with own eyes. Doing so does not deprive anyone of dignity, does not deprive anyone of choice, does not deprive anyone of the ability to self determine or make their own medical decisions. It simply means not lying by ommission.

#i actually kind of dislike the term itself but i think it is important that i continue to be open about this #because so so so many people are simply extremely afraid to do so

[redleavesinthewind]

elliot's 2023 fic wrap up

2022 version

alright friends it is once again time for me to review the (many) fics i read in the previous year and try to write a more or less concise rec list of my absolute faves (i wish i didn't have to chose but heh i'm not gonna subject anyone to 332 fics in 1 post - also wait only 332 fics? that's like. over 100 less than last year, what the fuck. anyway)

okay now first the part that interests no one but me (yes you may skip this) and that's the numbers part! i'm not making a whole elaborate spreadsheet to then not throw around cool numbers. anyway.

i've read around 4,932k words in 332 fics across 18 fandoms. that is much less than last year, and yeah, i've been generally less productive in 2023 but we don't have to talk about it. at least i have more variety of fandoms this time (let's ignore that it's only 2 more and also that from fandom 13 on there's only 1 fic per fandom)

i started out the year strong with 847k words across 72 fic in february (followed by 753k across 42 fics in january, and 621k words across 63 fics in march). it goes downhill for the rest of the year. eh it wasn't my year so what! 2024 is gonna be more filled with fic reading again!!!

my top 3 fandoms are so entirely unsurprising to me i am almost disappointed in myself. when did i become so predictable. top fandom is young royals with 166 fics! congratulations young royals, you are a very persistent hyperfixation, you didn't peter out after 2 months like i expected. Spot number 2 is taken by avatar the last airbender with 41 fics! giant leap there, but it's also funny because i fell into an atla rabbit hole late 2023 (as i do every few years) and it still got up to 41 fics despite uni not allowing me to read last semester (uni is evil). Same as last year, spn takes third place with 38 fics. speaking of persistent hyperfixations.......... *big sigh*

and that is it the boring part is over let's go to the fun section LET'S REC SOME FIIIIIICCCCSSSSSSS (under the cut)

JANUARY

bet you you'll ... (noraverse) (series) by @gh0sthugs | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 52k words

a kid fic!! and such a sweet one too! i'm kinda weak for kid fics ngl, and nora is so sweet and wonderful, and the relationship that slowly forms between wille and simon is beautiful and comfortable. this whole series is just such a good time

spreadsheet notes: ah to fall in love with the dilf next door who also happens to be the ex crown prince of the country

A Royal Intervention by AnxiousAnaconda | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 18k words

erik is being such a dumbass in this one. like, he means well, but he's kinda messing up and pissing people off (understandably). it's nice to get a view on erik that's not portraying him as this perfect guy though, and the fic is actually so much fun to read. and hey, the prime minister of luxembourg gets mentioned, which i was kinda waiting for in yr fic ngl

spreadsheet notes: big sigh... erik you fucking idiot. stop listening to august. also shoutout to xavier bettel apparently (edit: this aged poorly, fuck xavier bettel)

and each slow dusk by @if-fortunate | young royals, wilmon | mature | 49k words

okay. ooookay how do i even begin with this one. ohhh boy. okay. so. world war three. wille gets stuck in bjärstad with simon, many many things happen, it's about finding hope in a horrible situation and trying to live life despite everything falling apart around you. it's incredibly well written and something about it just has me in awe

spreadsheet notes: i don't know what it says about me that this is without a shadow of a doubt the best fic i have ever read in my life

Put Me Back Together and Take My Heart by @notalotgoingonatthisinstant | young royals, wilmon | mature | 50k words

i once again don't know what to say, this one is sooo good. simon is suffering and both wille and i hate it, but... but wille is there for him and ugh, they just... they just can't be apart. a story of reconciliation and healing from both physical and invisible wounds, and of making the right decisions for yourself

spreadsheet notes: ugh. UGH. my guys. MY GUYS. yeah let's go blackmail the queen

Department Six by @thisdiscontentedwinter | teen wolf | gen | 4k words

a fun short one about stiles and danny working for the fbi and being delightfully weird and mysterious

spreadsheet notes: HILARIOUS i'm in love with outsider pov always

FEBRUARY

There Are No Wolves in California by @thisdiscontentedwinter | teen wolf, sterek | gen | 5k words

you know, sometimes you see a fic you know is going to hurt you, and you've never clicked on anything faster. this is definitely one of those fics

spreadsheet notes: let's be wolves today yeah well derek what if i just break down and cry instead

you got my body, i got your body by @prince-simon | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 9k words

this one's technically part of a bigger series (which, definitely read that one too), but i'm highlighting this one cause... damn... this made me feel things... like, gender things... which is really weird cause wille's gender in this is very much different from mine BUT STILL

spreadsheet notes: how almost 9k of pwp gave me so many gender feelings i will never understand

Changing Channels: Queer Premiere by @emeraldcas, @fellshish | spn, deancas | gen | 27k words

this might actually be one of the funniest fics i've ever read. dean and cas are so stupid (affectionately) and all the crossovers are delightful (bonus that i knew all the other shows). everyone go read this it's gonna be the best time

spreadsheet notes: mel and fells have genuinely outdone themselves this is the most hilarious shit i've ever read

Catalyst by @stretchoutfics | young royals | teen&up | 3k words

a backstory for boris! this fic is within a series of other side character ficlets, but this one has a soft spot in my heart

spreadsheet notes: AAAAHHHH HE KNEW ABOUT THE RECKLESS DRIVING BUT DIDN'T BRING IT UP but also... him being a gay man trying to help the queer crown prince navigate his sexuality that's kinda nice actually, like boris understands at least a bit

The most beautiful boy by lovelysarcastic | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 88k words

there's something incredibly grounding about this fic. the way it develops, the way wille rationalises his thought processes, the way the relationship between wille and simon develops... this fic just kinda sucked me in and spit me out again feeling... content and calm and... it's just... this fic is so beautiful

spreadsheet notes: dude i love this so much??? they're both so stupid??? i love them???

MARCH

All's Fair in Love and Hunting by @badjoices | spn, deancas | mature | 20k words

they're playing gay chicken but also are being incredibly competitive and stupid about it, and i'm just sorry about the shit sam has to witness. so many shenanigans in this fic

spreadsheet notes: they are both so stupid omg

["mi cotufita" started sharing their screen] by @omar-rudeberg | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 60k

so... this is a follow up to one of my favourite fics and it is a delight. very horny but also very sweet? and also for some reason there's porn. fun times! oh, and this fic made me cry. it really has the range

spreadsheet notes: how are they so horny it's so funnyyyyyy, but also if i were wille i could never look linda in the eyes again

A Light To Guide You In The Dark (Warmed By The Fire's Glow) by 80shairmetal | stranger things, harringrove | teen&up | 19k words

this is just... people taking care of each other out of the kindness of their hearts. finding comfort in strangers who become family. growing and helping each other. there's such a beauty to this one

spreadsheet notes: this is just..... comfort

did you see the love in my eyes, oh were you gazing through this disguise? by @tooindecisivetopickaurl | young royals, wilmon | mature | 67k words

fake dating my beloved. they're so in love with each other but they're pretending not to be while pretending... to be? i'm obsessed with them. but they're so respectful with each other and cautious of boundaries and they really are best friends who also happen to be obliviously in love

spreadsheet notes: love a good fake dating au they're so stupid i love them

flash like a setting sun by @playedwright | 911, buddie | explicit | 22k words

because you only realise you're in love with your best friend when you're scared you're losing him. that's the fic. and it's beautiful

spreadsheet notes: oh this is sooooo beautifully written and ugh just <333

Other people's secrets by @sflow-er | young royals, walty & wilmon | mature | 239k words

yooooo hello? so first off this is an outsider pov on wilmon which i am always obsessed with anyways but the focus isn't just on them, this is henry's story. it's a beautiful story about how friendships form and warp and change, how feelings manifest in different ways, how decisions and actions have consequences. it's an incredibly mature take on post-s1, and it's probably my favourite of the year. also ace representation!!!!

spreadsheet notes: ace henry my beloved <33 also love seeing wilmon from an outside perspective! such a good, well thought out fic with lots of healthy comminication <33

APRIL

if i stare too long by @brawlite & @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | stranger things, harringroveson | explicit | 191k words

i haven't seen st s4 (and probably won't watch it) but that definitely won't stop me from reading harringroveson fic. i mean, who wouldn't look at those three and immediately want to see them together. the way their dynamic is written in this fic is peak, i don't even know what more to say. i also very much trust these authors with billy, and again i wasn't disappointed. there's just something in his head that's intriguing.

spreadsheet notes: this whole fic is such a vibe it makes me feel of hot summer chillin

MAY

Rewrite the Stars (series) by @in-amor-veritas | young royals, wilmon | mature | 137k words

definitely one of the highlights of the year, simon's whole life in new york... those scenes, they just show such a wonderful life simon has built for himself, and his relationship with wille doesn't change it, but he manages to fit in (after, you know, fun rom-com drama shenanigans). also. this is a kid fic. kid fics are my weak spot. rasmus is my new favourite little guy. also shoutout to luis best side character ever

spreadsheet notes: YELLING i love this fic sooo much it is everything

Where The Wind Will Carry Me by @1-life-to-give | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 49k words

AND THEY WERE ACTORS PLAYING LOVE INTERESTS. do i have to say more? the tension guys the TENSION. also erik's side-plot i'm in love

spreadsheet notes: hopping up and down like a hyperactive chihuahua EN I LOVE THIS

Your love is my turning page (the t4t wilmon as girldads au) (series) by @willesworld | young royals, wilmon | teen&up | 17k words

i know i know another kid fic BUT!!!! t4t wilmon. makes it automatically superior. i'm not even kidding, add trans characters and i will like your fic (that i probably already like a lot) aroun 300000000 times more. but also this series comes for your feelings. it hits

spreadsheet notes: i am weak for t4t wilmon AND them having a biological child there's something so beautiful about it like that could be meeee ; siiimon i need to hug him and i need to hug wille they're gonna get out of this i prommy ; recovery and one step forwards a hundred steps back, but they made it there in the end ; they were so happy :((((

JUNE

A trace of dew by nuncflore | elden ring, this is too complicated | gen | 13k words

very elden ring-esque writing style, wonderful representation of whatever the hell is going on in the lore. hehehehehhe fucked up family ehhehehehe DIVORCE. my friends are so talented :))

spreadsheet notes: CAP I AM EATING YOU

Hanging from the Ceiling by @spicymiilk | spiderverse | teen&up | 6k words

for like. a week after i saw the new spiderverse movie i made miles 42 my entire life. that also meant reading this fic. and damn did this fic hit. i am still thinking about it

spreadsheet notes: i need more miles 42 content he is my favourite guy ever

The Darkest Little Paradise by @yourdemiurge | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 79k words

*holding you at gunpoint* read this fic. read it now, in this moment. you are not gonna regret it. believe me when i say you NEED this fic, you really do. doesn't even matter if you've seen yr or not. you're gonna thank me later

spreadsheet notes: THIS IS INSANE I CAN'T BREATHE MADY WHAT THE FUUUUUCK

JULY

Protected (series) by bastuba | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 69k words

hey do you ever read a fic and you just feel. so incredibly grounded because something about the characters feels grounded? like, they aren't grounded, but they still give off that vibe? idk how to explain this properly but that's this fic. also wille and simon cook together (i haven't read all parts of the series yet btw)

spreadsheet notes: incredibly grounded very mature how is wille like this ; i'd be like wille, always complaining about the heat ; they're soooooo. idiots. getting tattoos for each other ; i too would come out on a podcast about food ; SAFE SEX

AUGUST

The Season of Rebirth by @notalotgoingonatthisinstant | young royals, wilmon | mature | 30k words

part of a series, but i'm picking out this one specifically because it's soooo sweet!!! the title fits the fic so well, like yes it is the season of rebirth, but simon and wille's relationship is also rehashed in a very cool way, this fic is like one giant easter egg, i love it so much!

spreadsheet notes: wille taking the season of rebirth to recreate their early relationship, i am obsessed with him he's such a dumbass romantic

The Upgrade by @groenendaelfic | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 13k words

it's about the moment simon realises who wille is. that's why this fic is here. i mean of course also because it is very good, but mainly because of that moment

spreadsheet notes: the moment simon realised who wille is i am wheezing

Right Where You Left Me by @armandgender | spn, deancas | explicit | 94k words

if you're wondering why this fic is on my 2023 list instead of the 2022 list.... well that's because it took me almost a year to read the last chapter, and in terms of how my spreadsheet works, that makes it a fic i read in 2023. anyway. if you haven't read this fic yet, what are you even still doing here. click on that link right now. you want complex emotional situations? intricacies of ill-advised marriages? you wanna pick through abusive behaviour and encourage infidelity? well you're at the right place! also this has one of my favourite jack characterisations ever. it also made me go on multiple rants

spreadsheet notes: I FINALLY FINISHED IT AAAAHHHH I LOVE THIS FIC THE CABIN THE CATS JACK!!!!!

Alejito y Marimar (series) by th0ughts | red, white, and royal blue | teen&up | 18k words

OBSESSED WITH THIS DYNAMIC YOOOOOO. seriously the friendship between alex and martha is an expansion of the rwrb universe that is much needed, trust me

spreadsheet notes: the friendship i didn't know i needed in my life <333 ; they're just chillin!!!

SEPTEMBER

Change of Address (series) by hearmerory | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 134k words

okay. oooookay. strap in for this one, it is a lot. emotionally. like yes zuko is autistic, yes yes yeeees, i agree, also azula is treated like an actual person with actual mental issues, she deserves to be treated with care and this author definitely does that! this is the kind of series that makes me want to disappear in it, but it's also the kind of story i need breaks from, because it is so heavy (definitely check the tags for this one). zuko's relationship with sokka is written so thoughtfully and iroh is characterised incredibly and the author even included ursa in a way that didn't undermine everything that happened in the series before she appeared again. i can only recommend this one!

spreadsheet notes (there's lots of parts to the series, so this one is long): hhhh if i were ms jamieson i would have snapped after two days probably ; be nice katara!!!!! he's nervous ; i need to murder ozai ; and i need to murder zhao as well ; iroooohhhhh he should have just. taken the kids with him that first time he noticed something off ; yeah i think there was a reason why iroh never took zuko to the movies ; ozai needs to suffer ; i need to destroy ozai. violently and painfully ; iroh is the best uncle ever, zuko deserves all his kindness ; azula...... you don't have to fight for affection, it's not a competition..... they love you ; iroh should have taken her with him the first time around, she was like. 10, he could have just picked her up or sth ; ..... hakoda you idiot ; IROH BACKSTORY IROH BACKSTORY ; sokka and the plan that changed his life <3333 ; they are so soft with each other ; they all deserve all the therapy and support and yes sokka obviously you have adhd get with the program ; URSA??????? also i am living for sokka and azula's dynamic they are everything ; i don't. i don't understand her. i don't fucking understand her how could she not want her own children. how can she talk about them like that. like she knows them she doesn't know them she LEFT

Every night my teeth are falling out by @sulkybender | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 9k words

i was in need of some good zuko angst and oooohhh boy was i lucky to find this author. PEAK zuko angst. this fic in particular is very dear to me because it explores how mental illnesses would be handled in a world where there's practically no resources to help. i think we need that more

spreadsheet notes: yes well. how DO you deal with a schizophrenic fire lord in a fantasy world? (you stay with him and support him that is how)

OCTOBER

for years or for hours by @ghostinthelibrarywrites | the witcher, geralt/eskel/jaskier | explicit | 52k words

listennn i love myself some good polyamory fics, and this is the first fic i read for this ship and now i am OBSESSED with them. but this fic in particular.... the concept alone, like. what do you do when you thought the man you love was dead for 800 years, and then when he comes back you have another man you love. the answer is simple. polyamory. the two men you love also love each other. perfect coincidence.

spreadsheet notes: YO the concepts of witchers in modern times alone is sooo cool but adding in everything else? hello yes?

this is a love story by @achillestiel | supernatural, deancas | mature | 3k words

listen, i've never seen fleabag, but that's not the point. this is intriguing and funny, that's the point

spreadsheet notes: fucked up families and you want to fuck the priest hell yeah

The road not taken looks real good now by @stretchoutfics | young royals, wilmon | explicit | 90k words

it's not even the wilmon part i love about this fic (i very much enjoy it of course don't get me wrong) but wille and his kids. like, i don't want to spoil anything but like. wille's interactions with his kids are so important in this fic, and they're written so well. like, emilia is my favourite character in this, i kinda wish there was more with the kids honestly. this fic is definitely a highlight of the year, and to get back to wilmon, i do love how they're portrayed in this fic, how their dynamic plays out, and specifically how certain decisions do not depend on simon

spreadsheet notes: no but. the care put into this story. i can't--

NOVEMBER

Averno (series) by @sulkybender | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | mature | 12k words

a fascinating take on a fire lord zuko that was never part of the gaang

spreadsheet notes: HE JUST DESERVES KINDNESS but also he's a little fucked up WELL NO WONDER GIVE HIM KINDNESS ; i mean.... what makes a monster really ; well then let's get him out of his cell shall we (also hiiiii suki hello <3333)

Half Awake in Our Fake Empire by @hmslusitania | 9-1-1, buddie | teen&up | 34k words

another kid fic!!! but in a different fandom this time!!! seriously, giving buck a child fills so many of my life's needs it's ridiculous

spreadsheet notes: THEY'RE A FAMILY (thank you for giving that man a child)

a soldier (who carries a mighty sword) by @ghostinthelibrarywrites | the witcher, geralt/eskel/jaskier | explicit | 92k words

everything about this fic is wonderful!! the world(kaer morhen!!)building, the developing dynamic between geralt, jask, and eskel, ciri and yenn, the conflict, jask as a teacher!!!! aaahhhhh!

spreadsheet notes: they're my new favourite guyssss this whole fic is so cool, what they've done with kaer morhen <3333

Will We Last the Night by CSHfic & VSfic | avatar: the last airbender, zukka | teen&up | 143k words

this fic asks what if sokka had been stuck with zuko since the end of s1 and delivers a delightful answer. this is the adventures of zuko and sokka (and sometimes iroh) travelling through the earth kingdom. shenanigans ensue

spreadsheet notes: i am obsessed with this i'm just. i know it was only shortly but their life in ba sing se. obsessed

DECEMBER

Grudge Match by @catcas22 | elden ring | gen | 17k words

i'm not entirely sure how to explain this. it sure is an elden ring fic

spreadsheet notes: i don't even know what to say. this is ridiculous and brilliant and stupid and genius all at the same time. hell yeah suburban demigods

Lonely Digging by @toast-ranger-to-a-stranger | stranger things, harringrove | teen&up | 3k words

this is hilarious. go read it to unlock intense life-threatening flirting

spreadsheet notes: best way to flirt billy's doing everything right

***

(quick note: i’ve tried to find everyone’s tumblr handle, but i’m aware that not all the authors have tumblr/have it on their ao3, however if i somehow missed someone, i can go back and rectify that!)

if you’ve made it all the way down here i am giving you a kiss <3

#pigeon coos #fic reading shenanigans #fic rec #ALL THE LOVE TO FIC WRITERS YOU GUYS ARE DOING AMAZING!!!!

[ae-neon]

ANTI NESSIAN

The short of it:

ACOSF romance sounds like an incel revenge fantasy where the man gets to punish and fuck the woman who rejected him and mold her into a copy of the woman his role model/best friend/ alpha daddy is fucking.

The long of it:

I don't like when women's fear, anger and rejection is taken as a challenge.

Every now and then I wanna read ACOSF, tell myself I'll just ignore the Cassian stuff and eat around it, you know? Then I see canon Nessian interactions and I gag.

I don't know if it's because I don't read dark romance so I haven't been exposed and numbed to the truly heinous things authors are doing in their romances but I can't.

I'm just gonna sit back down in my anti Nessian seat cause it was never my favourite dynamic to begin with but it's to the point I can't even read fanfic bout them anymore (and I'm missing out on some good shit!)

I've read love interests who are mean to everyone BUT their intended partner.

I've read love interests who are mean to everyone INCLUDING their intended partner.

But a love interest who is ONLY mean to his intended partner?

I use the word mean very loosely here.

And maybe it wouldn't be so bad if him constantly pushing her to react or getting in her space didn't include or was immediately followed by super sexual thoughts or intention. That shit is predatory.

Earlier Nessian walked a fine line and I was even willing to move past that awful ACOWAR tent scene but ACOFAS? Cassian doesn't have to be perfect or nice on his own, as a character, but he might as well have thrown the idea of Nessian in the Sidra.

The combo of

wanting Nesta sexually but not liking her personally

having an inferiority complex about himself that he projects onto her interactions with him

History of a high born woman using him and finding a symbol of that same type of woman downtrodden and vulnerable

Having that woman entrusted to his "guidance and care" by almost everyone without question

Confirmation through a magic bond that she was literally made for him, belongs to him and would be best to bear his children (GAG)

Him using his position as her "carer and guardian and authority figure" to punish her on behalf of a man (and group) he desperately looks up to and wants to please

Him molding her to meet the requirements in order to be accepted by said man and group even when it goes directly against how she's expressed she wants to live.

Him molding her to mirror the wife of the man he looks up to

It feels like if this was set in the Victorian period he'd have had her lobotomized and locked away if she didn't correct her behaviour to him and his friends' standards.

Like can you imagine your (already deteriorated) well being signed off to a man who tells himself he loves you but doesn't act like it? wants to fuck you to prove he's good enough to everyone else? Is basically best friends with ACOTAR Elon Musk?

It sounds like an incel revenge fantasy.

And how is several people physically barring someone who is clearly using sex as a coping mechanism from having sex with anyone but this one guy not a weird coercive thing? Like you're taking advantage of her, I'm so disgusted.

All this without even mentioning the 500 year age gap and power imbalance and imprisonment and sense of extreme isolation and lack of mental health care etc etc

#anti nessian #until i die #anti acosf #anti sjm #anti cassian #somebody save her #nesta deserves better #anti ic #anti inner circle #nesta archeron #pro nesta #sjm critical

[hamiltonfilms]

Can we get Max x MotoGP part 2? Where she meets someone new and shes glowing and getting on the podiums?

And leave this fucked up place behind

part 1 - "Used to stick together"

Pairing: Max Verstappen x female!reader, lewis hamilton x female!reader

Summary: after cheating and breaking up with max you start to get over it love yourself again and finally meet someone who lets you be yourself

Warnings: alcohol, cigarettes, loving yourself again, partying,

a/n: so I like it and thank you for your request and I look forward to more requests haha, English is not my first language, sorry for the mistakes

photo credits: Pinterest

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yourusername summer break and the beginning of the season vibe

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charlottesiine love your aesthetic now girl

yourusername it's not a new aesthetic, I just started taking care of myself Chéri

incidentguy who is the mystery man?

y/nlovverr y/n in her 'it girl' era

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Paris fashion week 2023

Seeing Max and Kelly together for fashion week broke my heart completely. Have I come to terms with the loss, not so much? My love for Max has always known no bounds. We broke up after ten years. Yes, after 10 fucking years. But honestly, it's probably even fun. For these ten years, I have always been in Max's shadow, even though I am in motorsport myself, fans and others have always seen him. Unlike Lewis, whom I have known since childhood. Lewis was about 4 years older than me but he always treated me better than Max. Suddenly someone snapped me out of my trance.

"I wouldn't have expected you here! Y/n it's good to see you" I'd recognize that voice anywhere "Not that I haven't been coming here since I was little! Nice to finally see you Lewis" The sarcasm in my voice was audible to everyone.

We were sitting next to each other, but when I saw who would be sitting next to us, I was terrified. Seeing Max and Kelly cuddling like us just made my heart ache. As I sat down I saw that they were looking at me with surprised eyes I smiled softly and said 'hey'. Fortunately, everything passed quickly and I was hoping that tomorrow I would get another place and if not, I would ask someone to change it. Lewis apologized to me because he had gone with someone to say goodbye and I found that I would quickly escape from there and back to the hotel. Suddenly Kelly started talking to me, I had no problem with her, on the contrary, I used to love her a lot now, but somehow we don't talk too much. Even when I was younger, I had a crush on her. However, our conversation didn't last long because I was a bit tired so I said goodbye to who I had and went to the exit. As I was near the exit door, someone grabbed my arm. When I turned around, I saw that it was Max.

' We need to talk' he gripped my arm tighter. 'we don't have to and you know what I don't even feel like it right now '

"Please give me 5 minutes and let's talk" his expression wasn't very nice "five minutes and seconds no more"

'Thank you! What do you think you'll come here, you'll be nice!' his tone of voice suddenly jumped up which made me flinch 'Listen Max because you're acting like the center of the world after these 10 years I've learned to live in your shadow alley I'm done with it. I'm happy at last and I want it to stay that way"

'you won't find anyone better than me' I took a step further but his tone was getting higher and higher 'anyone who doesn't cheat on me a hundred times will always be better

' 'you little whore, listen to me-' I shuddered again but someone interrupted him 'you must be doing something wrong, buddy, you don't call women that way '

'Y/n are you okay?' that soft lewis voice made me cry. 'Shh, let's go somewhere quiet. Don't be afraid of me sweetheart'

I couldn't calm down, maybe Max was right, I won't find anyone better in my life. Too many negative thoughts ran through my mind. I was sitting in the passenger seat and Lewis tried to calm me down. He stopped at a small shop and went inside. He quickly left with some cheap French wine and quickly left without speaking and just smiling. He stopped at the Eiffel Tower and got out, and so did I. We sat on the ground.

"you know he didn't deserve you he was always just an asshole so secretly I never liked him" a small giggle escaped my lips "you know I don't deserve you"

"Not true! You are unique and will remain so forever."

Lewis opened the wine and drank from Gwent handed me the bottle so I did the same. We started joking and reminiscing about old times and mocking my French accent when I turned 4 and moved to the UK with my mum. I don't know how this time will pass but it was already somewhere after 4 and the sun was slowly starting to dawn so we decided that we would start to gather. He drove me to the apartment I was renting for the duration of my stay in Paris. We were right at the door when I opened it.

"Are you coming in a minute or are you in a hurry?" he just smiled and walked in

He started looking around, and by then I had managed to put the rest of the wine in the fridge.

"what is it? Do I look bad?" just smile "you look like a walking angel"

I felt my cheeks turn red. But he kept staring. I quickly ignored it and went to take off my makeup and change into something more comfortable. I came out of the bathroom and he looked at me

"What?" I said confused. "Red Bull everywhere. would be better in a Mercedes t-shirt, baby"

Maybe if I wasn't driving for Red Bull I would have agreed, but for as long as I can remember he's been at Mercedes and I've been at Red Bull and he's biting me. But it was always fun for him and me, our inside joke. A lot of people thought we were something of a couple, but to him, I'll probably always be like a little sister. We sat on the couch and watched French TV, looking at Lewis' face, he didn't quite understand what was going on. My heart began to sway as Lewis puts his arm around me and laughs at the looney tunes that were on the TV, but I often saw him glance at me out of the corner of his eye. My eyes started to slowly close, I felt safe, I don't even know why. I leaned my head against his chest and started to fall asleep, he started stroking my head which caused butterflies in my stomach. I won't lie that I've always had a crush on him, but I tried to ignore that feeling, but it didn't always work out. I didn't want to ruin our relationship because he treated me like a little sister. I don't know when and how but my phone rang, it was 11 noon God I slept for a while. Next to me he slept sitting up on the couch like me lewis. So it wasn't a dream. It was a pity to wake him up so I quickly turned off the wake up call calmly broke free from the hug got dressed and went for a run because I had to ventilate my mind to think clearly. On the way, I stopped at a cafe for something for breakfast and coffee because there was nothing in the fridge. I came back an hour later and he was still asleep. I didn't have the heart to wake him up, so I tried to be as quiet as possible, but she saw him get up.

"Coffee or breakfast?" I asked in a voice loud enough for him to hear me "you don't even know how much I need this"

All I did was smile and hand him a cup of coffee and a waffle. He looked like a small child enjoying his favorite food. I felt warmth in my heart.

"Y/n we need to talk about something" I don't even know how stressed I was I just hid it under a smile "What's the problem?"

"Because that's the thing. Y/n I've just been in love with you since I can remember and I know it's a shit time cause you just broke up with Max but know that I love you if you don't then I completely understand and let's forget it" I felt that moment was not real and probably just a dream but I always dreamed about it and now I don't know how to act "Lewis because I love you too forever but I was afraid to make a move because I was afraid for our awesome friendship"

"We're both fucked up now will you make this magical moment and be my girlfriend" all I could do was cry and a hesitant "yes" came out of my mouth

"I changed our seats anyway and we won't be sitting next to Max and Kelly baby" I hugged him and felt more tears in my eyes "thank you so much"

He just smiled and went back to eating his breakfast. I went to collect it because there was little time left. Lewis went to the hotel to get himself together and he was supposed to pick me up and he did. Time passed quickly and we were already waiting for a place to sit, but we didn't have to wait long. Luckily Max was out of my sight and I was able to enjoy the show.

yourusername

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yourusername You haven't seen my man 🧡

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charlottesiine girl 😳

yourusername Well, a lot has changed for me

y/nhateclub she's so annoying, yet she found another one to be popular again

inchidentguy y/n and who? Sir Lewis Hamilton?

leclerc16lover I don't think so but we can manifest

yukiswheelsss she said soft launch

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tagged: heidiberger_

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lewishamilton "I mixed a lot of love with a lot of drugs, then I found you."

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yourusername you idiot, that was supposed to be a soft launch, not a fucking hard launch

lewishamilton I love you too sweetheart

susie_wolff you both look lovely, welcome to the family y/n 🧡

^liked by lewishamilton and yourusername

y/nhateclub 🤮🤮🤮

formulalewis they fit together so well

redbullmotorsports

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tagged yourusername, motogp

redbullmotorsports the real RBR monster just wake up

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yourusername 'Cause I'm a fucking legend

leclerc16lover also wants to have an era of rematch and self-love after a breakup like y/n

charlottesiine mon chéri toujours au top

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yukiswheelsss our fav female driver

lewishamilton 💙

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yourusername another day another slay

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charlottesiine always supports you, baby 💗

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stargirllover shes in her taylor swift era

paddockgf she posting pictures of lewis 🥺💙

formulalewis they are so cute

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yourusername Family holidays

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lewishamilton you're glowing darling

yourusername not as you

danielricciardo I'm telling you from Heidi that you look beautiful

yourusername tell her I'm not as beautiful as she is

>>>>>>>>>>>>

a/n: I hope you like it because I tried haha and I'm waiting for more requests

#lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton x you #max verstappen x you #max verstappen x reader #lewis hamilton instagram au #instagram au #fake instagram #f1 x reader #f1 instagram au #hamiltonfilms

[xblackreader]

Here’s a lil deleted chapter from C’mere Lover Boy! I take tips in bio 😏🤭 ONLY ON TUMBLR

Nacom (Closer)

Attuma x Okoye | 5K+ words | MDNI 18+

🔥༄ ♬ ˚₊ ➳ 🩵⚔️❤️ ➳ ♪ ❀ ༄🌊

Sharp pounding at Okoye's door shakes her entire house and she seethes as she approaches the entrance. it could only be one person, so brutishly offending her in the early hours of morning.

When she opens the door, Attuma is standing there with a very small, barely distinguishable smile on his face and a large bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"You know, there's no need to knock down my house just to give me some flowers, Attuma," She says, taking the bouquet and smelling the roses. She sighs, The smell is wonderful, but she won't admit that out loud. "You're not going to win me over like this, I don't care how much you try."

"You are very radiant this dawn, sunlight." He said, deep voice sending a giggle up her throat. Okoye covers her mouth quickly, and Attuma's grin widens. He likes to see her smile. She turns into her home and places the flowers on the counter so she can prepare a vase. "I've come to walk you to the palace for today's training. I am always excited to see how you command your army. You have a strong presence, a leader of men."

"A leader of women." She corrects.

"A leader of all." He fires back.

She places the roses and baby's breath in a crystalized vase, the sun sparkling off dew that clung to her living room windows, a testament to the cool, rainy season coming.

"Yes, and if you had not been such a pain in the neck, you might have had the honor of serving under me," She replied, smirking at the thought. He is not so prideful that he won't admit she is his equal, but he is so that he could not serve under her without a fight.

His firm warm chest pressed against her back, and she shuddered when he caged her in with his strong arms on both sides of her, "It would be my honor to be beneath you, in ya'akunaj." He whispered.

Her cheeks flushed hotly as she pushed him away from her, "Attuma," She scolded him, and he shrugged, capturing her waist with only one very large hand.

"I would be a lucky man, but I think you would be luckier if I had the pleasure of having you serve underneath me…” she pinched him and he chuckled. “Or, we could have been ruling the world together. Imagine, the entire surface kneeling at our feet." He said, watching her bend over to put on her shoes, his eyes on her backside. She stands and looks over her shoulder.

"It's not the world that needs to kneel. Come along," She says, gathering her training gear, The door shuts behind her as she locks it and they begin their short morning walk through to the Golden City.

"It is, my love," He replies, his eyes following a bird, flying through the trees, "My heart still pounds when I think of our very first encounter. You are incomparable."

Okoye puffed out her cheeks and turned away from him to hide how giddy he made her feel. "You are talking so much today! Why must you plague me with all your thoughts?"

Attuma smiled crookedly, "I find myself only feeling comfortable enough to speak with you at such lengths. Namora says I never stop talking when we're alone, too. I suppose you are just my closest confidant as of now." And forever, hopefully.

"Am I?" She asked, stopping in front of him, turning on her heel to face him, skin absorbing all the light from the rising sun and he wanted. When she breathed, he wanted. When she spoke, he wanted. "You are so bold, Nacom."

The grunt that left his chest was incensed, and he pulled her in by her waist. "You know how it affects me when you call me that."

"Do I? I hadn't noticed..." She responded, placing a palm on his chest, fingers curling around his collarbone.

This playful teasing and flirting was to become dangerously normal for her. SHe was far too used to the butterflies he sent wild in her chest and stomach, with every tender touch. It had been a long time since anyone had touched her, and his rough hands felt so good. His thumb, circling around her bare shoulder, was a pleasant distraction. They approached the transport ship that would take them directly to the palace balcony.

"You are making this very hard." He said, releasing her when she walked forward, to put her things on the transport. She greeted GRIOT, and told him Attuma would be traveling with her as well.

"What?" She said, coyly.

"Keeping my distance, out of respect for you."

Okoye turned again and placed a finger on his chin. "Maybe I'm testing your restraint, Nacom. I wouldn't want you to lose interest because you got everything you wanted."

He captured her hand in his, and looked over her entirely, "I can promise you, Never."

The doors opened, and the sun shone down on her skin and made her even more beautiful as if she needed any help. He followed her onto the flying ship, and took his seat behind her, looking about the aircraft uneasily.

Okoye took one look at him and snorted, "You're nervous. Of course you are. A great warrior, such as yourself, is scared of a flying boat."

Attuma huffed, slamming a foot onto the ground and shaking the ship. "Not scared. Cautious. How do we know that this machine won't just fall out of the sky? Technology is unreliable, in ka'ane."

"And magic is reliable?" She countered, raising a brow at him. He frowned, knowing she was right. Magic is just as unreliable. She smiled, "We fly to the palace every day, Nacom, it's not a problem. Trust me."

The craft began to rise and Attuma gripped the side railing, his knuckles turning white. "If the ancestors will it, the spirits will watch over us. There is nothing to fear." He said, trying to reassure himself.

She tried not to laugh, she really did. But she couldn't hold it in, "You are cute, my warrior. We'll be there in no time."

"If this falls, Okoye, I want you to know, I have no regrets."

"Shut up! You Talokanil, so dramatic!"

…

Arriving as the Dora Guard greeted them with Wakandan salutes and bowed heads, the two generals made their way to the training room.

"I must train with my guards. They must know how to use their spears in close combat," Okoye explained, her fingers sliding between his own, pulling him with her, "Would you like to participate?"

"If you need me for demonstration, I will make myself useful." He said, under his breath.

"Nacom," A Talokanil guard approached with a Talokanil salute, "Hello, Okoye of Midnight Angels." They greeted politely, shooting a short teasing look at their intertwined hands. "Nacom, Aju' Namora requests to see you for just a moment." The guard says.

"Very well," Attuma replied, and turned to Okoye, "Continue without me. This will not take long."

"Of course," Okoye replied.

When he disappeared, the Talokanil guard approached again and bowed their head to her, "You have his favor." He said, grinning, "I don't mean to speak out of my rank. Just... He does not gamble what he wants, and you, are very much wanted."

Okoye flushed, as the standing Dora on her sides snicker, "Thank you, uh-"

"My name is Ahti." The young man said.

"Ahti. Thank you. Now, please, everyone. Focus." Shee glared, and they regained composure.

The Dora Milaje stood in three rows, opening the door for her the enter the training facilities.

"Phakama ulwe!" She sounded, and the training Dora all took position calling back to her. "Wakanda Forever!"

'Excellent," SHe praised, walking between ranks as she assessed the group. "Good morning ladies!"

"Good morning General," They called back, saluting in unison.

"Now, we will be practicing with the Spear and staff. We will also have a very special guest joining us for this exercise, General Attuma."

The girls all looked about themselves to locate him with haste.

Okoye shook her head, "He is currently preoccupied with work. He will arrive at an agreed-upon time!" She informed.

"I'm certain he'd arrive whenever she would ask it..." One Dora whispered.

"Night or day," Another giggled.

"Girls, focus. He may be a good-looking, strong, charming-"

"Oh Bast," One whispered, and they all fell into giggles.

Okoye sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Yes, yes, he's- Yes." She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling very warm. "Please, let's get started. The faster we go, the faster you can meet him, alright? So, let's start. Spear and Staff. First, a quick warm-up."

Attuma watched them from the doorway. He saw her move and speak and lead. It was so incredibly impressive. Making himself known, he lumbered into the room, stoic and unreadable. Okoye smiled at him, and the Dora all fell silent.

"Imibuliso kuni, Dora Milaje." He addressed the women.

"Good morning, General Attuma." They echoed.

"Good, everyone is here. Ladies, this is General Attuma of Talokan. He will be teaching us a very important lesson on Spear and Staff." Okoye explained, gesturing for him to come closer.

He did, standing beside her and looking over the group.

The group was still and quiet, all staring in awe at his appearance. His blue skin, and imposing aura. "For our first demonstration, I will need a volunteer." She stated, looking them over, "I will not pick, I will wait for a volunteer."

She did not wait long, a few women raised their hands, and Okoye scanned over the group. "Bisola." He said, pointing at a girl at the back.

The Dora approached the mat with confidence and held out her spear, bowing her head.

"Okay, Bisola. What would you say is the difference between General Attuma of Talokan and you?"

The young lady looked over General Attum and his throat rumbled with a grunt, "He is very big, General. Much bigger than you as well."

The girls giggled.

"A proper assessment of General Attuma, Bisola." Okoye warned, "Say you encounter the General on the battlefield-" She starts.

"Bast forbid." One said, causing agreement throughout the room.

"Inzolo!" Okoye commanded, slamming her spear down twice. The room went silent.

Bisola cleared her throat, "He is much larger than me, General. Not human, as far as the eye can see. Heightened strength and appearance." The young soldier looked over his gear. "Heavily armed, and unpredictable."

Okoye hummed, walking around Bisola. "Very good."

Attuma shot a look to Okoye and she responded with a nod.

"Ugwayimbo." She commanded and Bisola struck her spear out, bringing it overhead to slice at Attuma with one movement.

Attuma caught it with his hand and pulled the spear from her, tossing it aside with a clatter and throwing a fist forward, stopping just short of Bisola's face.

"J'ach xaan." He said. "Slow." He translated, and Bisola paled at his massive fist.

"I agree, Nacom." She said, and nodded to him. "But perhaps your guard was down, Bisola?"

The young soldier nodded slowly, embarrassed. "Yes, General..."

Suddenly, her spear was back in her hand and Bisola faced the man towering over her with a new view. He sneered at her and she turned to Okoye.

"Do not insult him again, young lady," Okoye warned. ""Ugwayimbo!"

She lunged at him, and the two began fighting.

Okoye was pleased, seeing Bisola do better than before, she was able to land a few blows and was able to dodge his. Attuma moved with minimal effort, displaying his superior strength in her having to recover from each and every one of his blows. WHen she shot her weight too far forward with a strike however, he disarmed her and brought her down with a kick to her back. She landed on her knees but stood up for another round, and it was called.

"Cease. Oko kwanele." She said, and Bisola moved back and bowed, taking her place in the group.

"I see why you chose them," Attuma commented, and Bisola brightened, pleased.

"The lesson? We are not here to grow used to our sisters in arms. There are new enemies out there every day and you must be able to size them up and take them down. We will practice again, this time, with weapons," Okoye commanded, "You may choose the weapon you desire. Do not choose the same weapon, and if someone has chosen your desired weapon, choose another. There are no rules on the field of war. Understood?"

"Yes, General!"

"Nacom, A word," Okoye said, as the girls began to pair up and pick weapons.

"Of course," He said and walked out into the hall with her. "Yes, Okoye. Did I-?" He began and was interrupted with her hands on his face.

She pulled him down into a kiss, and his hand was immediately on her back, pulling her closer.

It was a few minutes before they came apart, and when they did, Attuma was grinning from ear to ear. A face she very rarely got to see on him. He was so reserved and serious, and even though it made her smile, she did love his more relaxed side.

"My Dora." He growled.

"Hush," She chided, "Not yet." Another soft kiss for them to share and she pet his hair down, fixing his ka'ansaj. "Thank you for helping me... I know you had very few hours to relax before your duties."

"There is no relaxation without you, Okoye." He admitted, and she shook her head.

"So sweet, my man..." He growled and picked her up, causing her to shush him and hold in her laughter. "Put me down! I am trying to work!" She laughed, and he kissed her.

"You are a tease," He said and put her down, watching her fix her clothing. "I will be off now, but I will see you when your training day is complete."

"Okay, will you walk me back home then?"

"Not today, my sunflower." He chided, kissing her hand when she pouted so cutely. "I have something to do, however, I will see you when you return home."

She nodded and he smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips softly, "Be safe,"

"And you as well, my Dora."

She nodded and watched him leave, taking a deep breath and collecting herself. SHe opened the doors and closed them, turning to see...

The entire training Dora watched her with knowing smiles.

"Oh, shut up!" SHe snipped.

The group burst into laughter, and she sighed, shaking her head and getting back to work.

"What was that, General?"

"I don't believe you've taught us the kiss of life..."

"Girls! That's it! Laps! Laps around the training grounds!"

"That's not fair!" "We're going to tell your man!"

"Outside now!"

...

The rain pelted the glass on the ship as she made her way back home. Okoye calmly hummed to herself and thought to herself what she would prepare for her and her bottomless pit to eat. Perhaps a large pot of stew and some rice and fish. He would be hungry, and it would last them a few days. She would make sure he had enough energy to take her on their bed and the floor and wherever else they wanted...

Biting her lips, she repositioned her legs as she landed and gathered her things. How he managed to get her to flustered even when in his absence befuddled her. He was a mystery; charming, handsome, and strong beyond belief. It was as if he was made specifically for her, and she knew just how much he adored her. He never let her forget it.

That sinking feeling in the back of her head whispered that it wouldn't last, but she didn't listen. She deserved this. She earned this.

Her kimoyo beads rang, and she picked up,

"Hey, babycakes sweet cheeks..." Ayo greeted monotone, and she rolled her eyes.

"Really, Ayo?"

"That's how Aneka taught me to say 'hello' now. Where are you?"

"I'm on my way home, it's pouring. So I'll have to run once I land." Okoye said, eyeing the hologram from her beads. "Why?"

"I heard your training seminar was... eventful." Ayo teased, and Okoye scoffed, walking out of the ship and looking around.

"General Attuma assisted me for a short demonstration if that's what you mean." She said, and her friend snorted.

"That's not what I heard."

"And what did you hear?" She asked, putting the keys to her ship away and walking to her home.

"That you had a little 'incident' during training."

"Incident?" Okoye questioned, and Ayo nodded, smirking.

"I heard that the great General Okoye and Nacom Attuma had a little 'battle'."

"It was a sparring session," Okoye answered.

"With your women?" Ayo teased.

"They were doing the lesson."

"A lesson on loud shut-door rendevous'?"

"Ayo!" Okoye snapped and her friend laughed.

"Okay, okay... But seriously, are you happy?" Ayo asked, and Okoye stopped, looking at her.

"What?"

"I said are you happy? You've been spending lots of time with Talokan's General, I just want to know if you're happy." Ayo repeated, and Okoye bit her lip. "No need to answer me now... I just want you to know you deserve happiness, you always have."

Okoye's heart swelled, and she smiled.

"You're a sap,"

"Oh shut up." Ayo snapped, "Now go home and enjoy your evening. I'll see you soon enough, Lord M'baku keeps me preoccupied with his complaints and whining..."

Okoye laughs as she walks up her yard and opens to gate, quickly walking as the rain began to pour generously again. This would be good for her garden at least.

"Tell him to suck it up and talk to the Queen. I'm sure Shuri would appreciate the help."

"Yeah, maybe. Good Bye, Okoye."

"Bye, Ayo." The call disconnected and Okoye opened her door with a sigh, freezing when she saw the display in front of her.

The smell of cooked fish and spices filled the room, and her kitchen had been littered with food. A table had been set and there was a beautiful arrangement of flowers at the center.

She turned, hearing movement enter the room, and found him. Him... Her General. Dressed in his loose sweatpants and nothing else, looking just as surprised to see her and then slightly embarrassed.

"Okoye." Attuma greeted.

"Attuma... What is all of this?" She asked.

"A celebration." He answered, and her eyes widened, "A celebration of our union. I wanted to surprise you."

She stood silently and took him in, kind and compassionate. He towered in her home and he made everything so much better...

"You're wet." He stated, approaching her.

"Ye- I- what?" She said, blinking, and he reached for her face.

"It's raining outside. Your face is wet." He repeated, and she blinked, realizing she was crying.

"O-Oh." She said, and his thumb swiped her cheeks, wiping away her tears. "Y- yes! Yes..."

He graciously accepted this explanation and watched her struggle to remove her wet coat. "Mm... Sorry."

"No." He said simply.

"What?"

His warm hands were felt through each layer of her clothes and she avoided his eyes, ashamed of her thoughts. "You are never sorry, Okoye. Don't be." He chastised softly, his low voice reverberating in her body.

"Oh... Thank you, Attuma."

"Hm." He said the fire crackling in the corner made this even warmer than necessary. He was close enough to feel the heat from his skin and her mind wandered to what she was thinking of when the women interrupted.

"You have a good day today?" She asked, and he nodded.

"I had to report the success of our mission to Namor, however, your Queen has made the process more efficient and less taxing on the mind." He explained. "It was easier to report the information rather than have me relay the information myself."

"That's good."

"But you don't care." He said and she furrowed her brows at him.

"Of course, I do! WHat do you mean?"

STepping towards her, he backed her gently into her front door, closing her body in with his as she gasped. He was close, too close. "I can see how your eyes are following my hands and lips. You don't care about my day, and neither do I. We're here now." He pointed out, his eyes focused and trained on her face, taking her in, and his voice was deep and rumbling as the thunder. The thunder shook her house when his hands slid up to remove her shirt, leaving her bra. Her chest heaved and her eyes never left his. He smirked and moved, and his teeth scraped her ear. "I've waited all day for you, and I don't want to hear you say another word about the mission or training. It's a waste of time."

"Attuma..." She whispered, arching her back so her hands could capture his jaw.

"Come." He said, ignoring her pout. He pulled her away from the door and removed her boots and pants, and she tried did the same to him. Soon, she was in just her underwear and standing in front of her couch.

"Lay." He commanded and she sat, watching him place a blanket over her shivering body. He stepped toward the kitchen and she grabbed the remote for her television, turning it on.

"Here." He said, and she raised a brow, watching him. He returned to her side, presenting a plate of steamed vegetables and rice, and a large piece of fish. "You'll feed me, Attuma?" She asked softly, placing her legs over his thighs and pressing herself as close to him as possible.

"If you allow it." He said, and her heart fluttered, taking the plate and fork and beginning to cut the fish.

"Well, thank you. I'm famished." She said, taking a bite and groaning, chewing slowly. He pulled the blanket to swaddle her completely and smiled warmly when she reached up for a kiss.

"Mm." She hummed, pulling away. "Tastes amazing."

"Does it?" He asked, and she nodded, placing a hand on his pectoral muscle.

"So do you." She said, and he chuckled, cutting more so she could take bites.

"Mm." He fed her more, chuckling when she gasped as her favorite drama came on the television. "A new installment too." He commented, and she turned to him with stars in her eyes.

"You... planned this whole day?" She said, and he nodded.

"Every part. I want you to be happy."

Okoye tucked her chin into his chest and kissed his lips when he dipped his head, "I am..." I am happy, Ayo... "You make me so happy..."

He nodded and took the plate from his lap, placing it on the table. "We will watch this, and finish dinner after."

Okoye broke free of the blanket around her and captured his lips in another deep kiss, wrapping her legs around his hips.

"Thank you."

"No thanks needed."

"I-I'm serious. This is the most romantic night anyone has ever given me." She said, and he sighed, looking at her. "Then it is good, I am here now to offer you even more than this."

"Attuma..." She whispered, looking from his lips to his eyes.

"Yes, in reina?"

Her hips rolled into his, and he choked on a groan. "A- Attuma..."

"Yes, Okoye?"

"I... I need you." She whispered, and he blinked, nodding slowly.

"You have me, I am right here."

She rubbed her small hands down his abdomen and gently traced the raised scar tissue with her fingers. "I want to thank you properly..." SHe whispered, dismounting his lap to sit between his knees.

"In reina... Your show... You'll miss it."

Okoye ignored him, placing a kiss on his belly and grabbing the remote to turn the TV off. "That's not my concern right now..." She said, running her hands down his thighs.

"What are you doing?" He asked breathlessly, and her nose pressed into his soft stomach.

"I want to make you feel good." She whispered, clenching her thighs together. "You make me feel good, I want to return the favor,"

"Okoye-"

"No, Attuma. Let me." She said, and his hands reached under the blanket to rub her back, "Just let me be your woman."

He groaned when her fingers pulled at his boxers, "You are a temptress, In Reina..."

"Am I? I'm sorry..." She feigned an apology, nipping just above his pantline.

"Your touch." He confessed, "Your kiss. Your skin against mine. You're a beautiful creature and I can't keep my hands to myself."

"Then don't." She whispered, and he grunted as her hot breath tickled the thin hair on his belly. His chest widened further when he placed his arms over the back of her sofa, clenching his jaw in a way that made her whimper at the sight of him.

"Okoye... " He ordered, and she moaned, pulling her legs under her to kneel in front of him, and put her hands on his waistband pulling slowly.

He watched her breasts bounce in the confines of her black bra, and licked his lips.

"Are you going to stop me, my warrior?" She asked, and he growled.

"No."

"No? You'll let me take your clothes off, and not touch me?"

Attuma faltered, his eyes dark and steely. "What is it you want?" He growled.

Okoye nuzzled the front of his pants, smiling when he thrust his rapidly growing erection in her face. "Command me, Nacom..."

His voice was thick when he spoke again, "You are playing a dangerous game, my flower..."

"It's not a game, I promise you," Okoye said, "You always hold back with me... It's insulting." She said, feigning a sweet purse of her lips.

"I am not weak."

"And neither am I, Attuma. I can take what you have to offer. Command me. Make me yours..."

His eyes grew dark and she could feel him straining through the thin fabric of his boxers.

"Unburden me," Attuma growled, and Okoye did, pulling at the strings of his pants until his thick and heavy erection bounced against his belly.

She licked her lips and swallowed thickly, running her hand from his navel to the tip.

"My lord... My protector, my provider..." She whispered, and his body clenched, "Tell me what you want, Nacom.."

Attuma's jaw was clenched tight and he thought for a moment. "Take that wretched covering from your breasts. Let me look my fill."

She reached behind her, undoing the hooks and tossing the fabric onto the table, her chest rose with every breath and he leaned forward to capture both breasts in his hands, massaging them with his fingers and thumbs.

"So beautiful, my warrior..."

"You flatter me." She teased, and he grunted.

"Bring your body to my cock, I want to see and feel my prize please me."

Okoye bit back her smile, whining when he released her breasts. "Yes, Nacom." SHe sat forward and let his heavy member rest in between her tits, and his nostrils flared.

"By the Gods..." He grunted, and she began moving, squeezing him with her chest and rubbing her nipples on her thumbs.

"This is good?" She breathed, with lidded eyes.

"Yes. Very." He said, and his hand came to her cheek, caressing her jaw.

Soft lips went to kiss his tip and he began lazily thrusting himself between her breasts, squeezing her torso with his thighs. He shuddered and groaned, watching her nipples harden and her lips glisten.

"Beautiful creature, you are." He praised, and she lowered her eyes.

"Nacom."

"Do not hide, Okoye. Let me see those eyes."

Her eyes came up and her body shivered. "Yes, Nacom..."

"Good." He whispered, and his hands went to his erection, rubbing the tip on her lips, lining it with her tongue when she opened wide for him. A beautiful sight.

"Do you like the taste of my manhood?"

"Yes, Nacom. Very much." She moaned, before closing her lips around him, sucking the tip of his cock.

He groaned, and pushed more into her mouth, grunting when she gagged slightly. "You can take more, I know you can." He whispered, and she nodded, swallowing him whole.

"Ah... yes." He hissed, reaching forward to grab the back of her neck. "Such a good girl."

She moaned at the praise and looked up at him. "Nacom... I want to please you."

He growled, and pulled her forward by her neck, pushing her deeper onto his cock. Her pitiful gagging and frantic taps on his leg doing nothing but encourage him. "Put your hands behind your back, woman."

With a hm, that sent his hips into overdrive, she grasped her own ankles behind her and let him have his way.

"Such a good girl, Okoye... So good to me."

She choked, and her eyes watered, but she held her position, even when her jaw began to ache. Her slurping and moans, made his abdomen tighten, but he never tore his eyes away from her.

"Okoye..." He called, and her eyes looked up at him, steeping, with a muffled moan. He pulled her off his cock and rubbed himself in his own hand, watching as he dwarfed her efforts to take over.

"Nacom...?"

"Shh, my sweet. Let me have my way."

He groaned, and she crawled forward, licking her lips.

"You taste amazing, my lord..." Her pretty lips kissed their way down to his balls, sucking and licking as his chest rose and fell rapidly with the new stimulation.

Her waist was grabbed before he could finish and she whined in protest, but her hips were pulled forward and he spread her thighs wide over his lap, her bare cunt dripping on his thigh.

"Okoye, my beauty..." He purred, and her hands went to his shoulders.

"Please, Attuma."

"I will give you anything, my flower."

"Your seed. Your heart. Your name, Nacom. Give them to me.."

"My heart is yours, my love." He said, roughly handing her backside over her panties. "It always will be. Turn around and present yourself to me."

She obeyed, standing before turning around and bending over. He growled, pulling the offending garment to the side, revealing her to his eyes. Her pussy clenched when he blew hot air on her, and her cheeks blushed.

"Please..."

"So pretty..." He whispered, before pressing his tongue against her. She squeaked, and he did it again, flattening his tongue on her opening and licking. He slapped her backside, sending a pleased hum when it moved under his palm like water. "My name will be the only one you'll ever call in your moments of weakness, Okoye."

"Y- yes, Nacom..." His words were harsh, but his tone was gentle. His hand stroked her skin, and her thighs shook. "My body is yours. My mind, my heart, my soul... Take it." He grasped her hips and brought her to sit on his member, spreading his thighs so she could take him inside.

Her mouth parted in a silent gasp and he leaned forward, his hand reaching in between her legs to stroke her clit.

"Oh, Attuma..."

"I know, my queen." He smirked, "Do you feel me inside you?"

"Yes, yes..." She moaned, and he pulled her hips closer, pushing himself deeper.

"Ride me, Okoye. Bring me to completion and I will return the favor."

His voice was a harsh growl and it made her shiver.

"Mm, yes, Nacom." She said, and he watched as she lifted her body, squeezing her thighs with his knees, her arms stretched out behind her, grasping his legs. She moved her hips in slow circles, biting her lips as his tip grazed her G-spot and forced her knees to shake.

LArge hands grasped and spread her ass to his gaze, and he slowly began to bounce her up and down his length. "You are so beautiful, my warrior. My love." He purred, and his words made her eyes squeeze shut. She turned to look over her shoulder and gripped his strong thighs in her hands.

"Oh, Yes..." She moaned, and he growled.

"Say my name."

"Nacom... Please." She begged, and he grunted, bouncing her harder. Their flesh slapped together over and over again as he moans grew in fervour and his grunts grew more and more animalistic. His thighs spread widerm rocking as he let her have her way, slamming down to take him to the hilt and squeeze him just right.

"Please, what?"

"Make me cum. Cum inside of me." She whined, and his fingers dug into her waist.

"My name, my queen. Say my name, and you'll get your reward."

"Nacom, my ruler, my man... Make me yours."

His teeth found her neck, and her walls tightened around him, her thighs shaking.

"I will give you everything and more. Just say my name, my woman, and it will be yours."

"Y-yes, yes... Ah-!"

"Who owns you, my love?" He grunted, his hand grasping her throat.

"Att- aah! Attuma!" She cried out, and her hands grasped his wrist, her walls squeezing him as he pounded her from behind, his cock throbbing inside her.

"Take it all, in yaakunaj." He grunted, rocking his hips to fill her entirely, rubbing her stomach as it swelled slightly.

"Ah, my man..."

"That's right. Who is the only one that can please you?"

"You, Nacom..." She moaned, and he smirked, leaning over to press his lips against her spine.

"Who is the only one who can make you scream and beg, hm?"

"You, Attuma."

He growled, and pushed her down to bend over the couch, grabbing her thighs and spreading them. She gasped, and tried to close her legs, but he held her there, staring down at her bare and glistening sex. Watching as thick cum, dripped out over her thighs and collecting it on his fingers, to push back in.

"Beautiful..."

"Attuma..."

He looked up at her, and her face was red, her eyes looking down. "Is there a problem?" He commanded.

"No, Nacom... You are too far away, Nacom. Come to me." The rain slowed down, pittering off the windows once again.

He stood up, His face lit up with a grin and he moved, setting down to meet her face. "I love you, Okoye. I desire you entirely" He murmured, and she sighed.

"I know. I love you too..."

His shock froze them both. He looked into her eyesand she nodded, tearing up slightly.

"Really?"

"I... I am not ready for anything superbinding yet. But... Yes, I do." She whispered, welcoming him into her arms when he surged forward, lifting her up and twirling her in his arms.

"You will not regret this, Okoye." He purred, and pressed his lips against hers, her feet still dangling above the ground.

"Attuma, put me down! I'm naked!"

"I've seen it before. It's very nice."

She giggled, and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "You're not too bad yourself, but you have to stop making fun of me. It's not gentleman-like."

"You weren't complaining just minutes ago, when i ravished you."

She gasped, and swatted his shoulder. "You did not."

"Oh? Shall I show you again?" He chuckled, and pressed his lips against her neck, feeling her pulse.

"You are a menace, Nacom." She said, but she didn't stop him.

🔥༄ ♬ ˚₊ ➳ 🩵⚔️❤️ ➳ ♪ ❀ ༄🌊

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#black panther #attuma x okoye #attoye #okoye x attuma #marvel #attuma #okoye #black panther wakanda forever #x black reader #black women

[thewritingmagician2022]

Midnights - Taylor Swift - Brothers and Dateables

Lucifer: Maroon

The mark they saw on my collarbone

The rust that grew between telephones

The lips I used to call home

So scarlet, it was maroon

This sound is very Lucifer and, despite the navy color the game assigns to him, I will always associate red with Lucifer - especially a deep, dark red. This song is about a relationship ending and it makes me think of MC returning back to the human world and while they keep in touch with everyone at first, the contact between them and Lucifer fades quickly as they both return to v their normal lives. Especially now with the lyric video released and we know it says “it’s a real fucking legacy, to leave”. MC leaving is what really lingers and Lucifer is the one who is stuck with that. 

Mammon: Sweet Nothing

And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"

To you, I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it

-

They said the end is comin'

Everyone's up to somethin'

I find myself runnin' home to your sweet nothings

Mammon, my sweet man, who wants everything that the worlds have to offer but he can never find anything better than MC. There is nothing sweeter to him than the praise they give him or their declarations of love. Mammon deals with a lot of criticism and pressure, not just from his brothers but from the Devildom in general. He’s a very high ranking demon and that comes with certain expectations; if he’s being honest, Mammon thinks he may be a little too soft for all of it but the only person he’s willing to be so honest and vulnerable around is MC - the one person who doesn’t expect anything from him but his love. 

Levi:  Glitch

We were supposed to be just friends

- 

I think there’s been a glitch

Five seconds later, I'm fastening myself to you with a stitch

And I'm not even sorry, nights are so starry

This song is so Levi. He goes into this thing with MC thinking he’s just found a new friend and he’s sure this little crush of his will just pass by. The more time he spends with them, the faster he’ll realize that there’s nothing special about them, right? Wrong. The more time they spend together, the more attached Levi grows and the more he wants to see them. Something has shifted in their dynamic and Levi is forced to realize how much he cares about them and in exactly what way. 

Satan: Snow on the Beach

Flying in a dream

Stars by the pocketful

You wanting me tonight, feels impossible

But it's comin' down, no sound, it's all around

Like snow on the beach

Snow on the Beach is very ethereal sounding and I always associate that with Satan. I’m the very beginning of the game Satan is described as looking like a regular Prince Charming and we quickly learn that’s not quite true. Satan is pretty reticent, especially in the beginning, and MC doesn’t seem very interested in him. But, over time, they get closer and closer and MC is shocked to realize that Satan cares about them. Satan is just as surprised that MC feels the same way. Together they navigate a romance that’s very fairytale-esque and unexpected but wonderful. 

Asmo: Question

'Cause I don't remember who I was

Before you painted all my nights

A color I've searched for since

-

Does it feel like everything's just like

Second best after that meteor strike?

I think this is the way everyone would feel after a break up with Asmo. How are you supposed to find another lover, another partner, after they’ve been with the Avatar of Lust? The crown jewel of the three realms? You don’t. Nothing else will ever compare to that kind of love. But what MC doesn’t realize is that Asmo feels the same way. He’s been with so many people he could never try to keep track but he’s never had anyone quite like you again and, as he’s realizing, he can’t find anyone else who colored his world quite like MC did. So they’re both left wondering ‘does the other person feel the same way? Do they regret this like I do?’. 

Belphie: Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve

And if you never saved me from boredom

I could've gone on as I was

But, lord, you made me feel important

And then you tried to erase us

Oh, you're a crisis of my faith

Would've, could've, should've

If I'd only played it safe

I was so tempted to use The Great War instead because things end up okay with Belphie but I just can’t because MC wasn’t imagining wrongdoings that never happened. Belphie literally killed them after spending weeks befriending/seducing them, making them feel so important because of the role they were going to play in freeing him and bringing the family back together even though they knew Belphie was supposedly a risk. Everything was going well and MC was on the “right” path until they met Belphie, the Devil in disguise, and that meeting changed everything.

Beel: Paris

Privacy sign on the door

And on my page and on the whole world

Romance is not dead if you keep it just yours

I think Beel would be very private in a relationship and it’s not because he doesn’t love MC or is ashamed of them but because he’s so fiercely protective. All he wants is to keep MC safe and keep them to himself seems like the best way to do that. And that’s just fine with MC because in a realm where they are constantly being scrutinized it’s so nice to have something that’s just theirs. No one can touch that love with their judgment or opinions or jealousy. It’s a perfect little bubble around them and they wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Diavolo: Lavendar Haze

Talk your talk and go viral

I just need this love spiral

Get it off your chest

Get it off my desk

-

I feel the lavender haze creeping up on me

Surreal

I'm damned if I do give a damn what people say

Diavolo is 100% Taylor in this song. He is always in the spotlight of the Devildom, obviously, and that means everyone there has an opinion on everything he does. That applies to his relationships; in fact, it’s even worse for romantic connections. It drives him crazy sometimes, especially when it affects MC. But MC is always there to comfort him and reminds him that people can say whatever they want - the only thing that matters is how they feel about each other. It because Diavolo’s mantra whenever he gets frustrated and he knows that he can deal with whatever people have to say as long as he has MC. 

Barbatos: Mastermind

What if I told you none of it was accidental?

And the first night that you saw me

Nothing was gonna stop me

I laid the groundwork, and then

Just like clockwork

The dominoes cascaded in a line

The demon who can see through time and all of its possibilities using his powers to gather information on MC? It’s more likely than you think. Barbatos is efficient, thorough, and dedicated. There is no chance that he would stumble along blindly while trying to win MC over. He knows the exact role he needs to play, knows how to interest them and make them like him, make them trust him. To anyone looking at their relationship from the outside, it would seem like a cute little love story where the MC just happens to fall for the butler that’s always there behind the scenes and that’s how Barbatos likes it. Little does he know that MC is not nearly as oblivious as he thinks he is and, luckily, they find it endearing. 

Simeon: Hits Different

Dreams of your hair and your

Stare and sense of belief

In the good in the world, you once

Believed in me

And I felt you and I held you

For a while

Taylor, can you please release this as a single? I am so tired of finding bootleg versions to listen to. Back to the point, I absolutely hate the idea of MC and Simeon being separated but I fully believe that MC would be an absolute wreck without their angel around to love them and encourage them to make good choices. So MC is back home in the human realm and they’re heartbroken and their friends don’t understand the name they’re slurring at the bar and crying over. All MC wants is to be back with Simeon - the one person (angel) who loved them so fully. The one person who always believed in them and encouraged them and made them feel like they could truly be as good as he thinks they are. MC has known heartbreak before but nothing could ever compare to the pain of losing someone so perfect; it just hits different. 

Solomon: Labyrinth

Uh-oh, I'm fallin' in love

Oh no, I'm fallin' in love again

Oh, I'm fallin' in love

I thought the plane was goin' down

How'd you turn it right around?

If you don’t think that this song is Solomon’s, you’re absolutely wrong. We don’t know much about this shady sorcerers past but we do know that he’s been married before and we can assume that he’s been in love multiple times over the thousands of years. Based on his typically guarded or nonchalant behavior, I have to assume that his heart has been broken enough times to make him very wary of love. Then along comes MC and slowly, so slowly he almost doesn’t realize it’s happening, Solomon falls in love. It’s terrifying at first and he’s angry with himself for letting it happen but MC makes him so happy and once they admit their feelings, Solomon can’t help but give into his own and he finds he doesn’t mind quite as much as he thought he did.

#obey me #obey me imagines #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me mammon #obey me lucifer #obey me diavolo #obey me simeon #obey me solomon #obey me satan

[barrenclan]

I think catabolic seed by the scary jokes is very slugpelt, maybe about her life in general?

Yeah, I think so! I like the themes in this song about trying to take control of your life by reaching out to other people, but getting denied. That's very Slugpelt.

Also, check out this awesome PMV with Catabolic Seed, which I just have to show off cause I love it so much.

"But is bad luck really such a crime? If you won't be my valentine, could you at least give me a little bit of sympathy?"

"I don't care if I'm losing myself in the garden of earthly delights I could drop dead right where I stand, and I wouldn't mind"

You guys always find such interesting songs. I like this one. It's definitely got good Rainhaze energy.

"even through the pain animals cannot change dance with the skeletons and float away"

"eat and then die all your siblings cast aside too"

"see with new eyes a world ready to despise you"

No, no one's recommended this Hannibal fansong yet. But nice call for Ranger talking to Rainhaze!

"So look in the mirror And tell me, who do you see? Is it still you? Or is it me?"

"Do you feel the hunger Does it howl inside? Does it terrify you? Or do you feel alive?"

That's a good classic ask, back from the beginning of the blog. Never forget Christmas music Daff.

"Underground, boxed and glum Left you there for rot All my fears are overgrown Will someone burn this grove?"

"Welcome home! It's been a while Do you miss your head? With your tattered clothes and your bloody nose?"

I LOVE Vulture Culture! That song is great. I've been wanting to do a version of its animation meme for years now with a fandom I'm in. Maybe someday.

It can be a Rainhaze song and a Defiance song. They're so interlinked now, right?

"We live and die in a vulture culture We crucify anyone we hunger Gemini and a broken brother We live and die, my friend"

"Well, I guess I made my bed Now I gotta lie in it Like a suicidal kiss I got a guilty conscience"

BarrenClan is a cursed land!...

"The curse ruled from the underground, down by the shore And their hope grew with a hunger to live unlike before"

"If they called on every soul in the land, on the moon Only then would they know a blessing in disguise"

Asphodelpaw's themesong is a MARINA song, so you're already halfway there! I also agree with you about the idea of Asphodel feeling like she has to put on a strong front and pretend like she doesn't have any genuine feelings.

"It's okay to say you've got a weak spot You don't always have to be on top Better to be hated Than loved loved loved for what your not"

"You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable You are not a robot You're lovable, so lovable But you're just troubled"

What a wonderful title for a song. I also love mashing my OCs into any vaguely related song to them.

"I bid the sunshine adieu! In 1872 When the girl that I liked Made me a creature of the night"

"On the shortest night of the year I told him he’d nothing to fear As I bit his throat and crooned as he choked “Together forever my dear”

I'm certain this song has been suggested before, but that's only because any song from The Crane Wives discography could fit into PATFW.

"He taught me that the hand that feeds Deserves to be bitten when it beats He taught me how to break my chains And that money ain't worth a thing"

"Reminding me how little I have But as for time, as for time It's mine, it's mine"

Poor Pinepaw! He really does know too much, often envious of who he used to be.

...yeah, that's going on the playlist.

"Everything here is built on bones

Everything everything everything

And men will do as they’re foretold

Everything everything everything

Visions you don’t want to see

Everything everything everything

Hide your face from prophecy"

If I'm being real - since this song is so desert-themed, it's giving much bigger Saltburn's Clan energy, especially with the line about "mountain cats". (Blasting beams into the 3 people who read this's head to go read SBC at @nanistar)

If you want my opinion, I would say Slugpelt.

"So, if I can wait five more In this shape that I abhor I'll sleep with an open door Knowing you haven't touched a cell on my body"

"Now, my love carries the task Of handling the aftermath Can you smooth the looping lines Of fingerprints before your time?"

Lol I ran out of video embeds

#ask #music #rainhaze #ranger #slugpelt

[fucklovepayme]

FLPM Update 2023-2024

Hello guys!

A lot has happened since I last updated this blog. Let me start off by saying that manifestation is so fucking real, I don't care what anyone says. A lot of amazing things have happened to me this past year, and I am very grateful for it. My Saturn's Return (2020-2022) has been so damn rough to me, there was times that I gave up on life. I didn't care about my life or what happened to me. Thankfully that all changed in the beginning of 2023, I guess it is true when they say you have to go through your roughest time in life to receive your biggest blessings!

I manifested girlfriends that are chasing the bag too. I even became friends with some sex workers as well. It feels so good to hang out with true like-minded ladies, we get to freestyle together and hang out at more elevated events. And they are everything I manifested: young, pretty, supportive, and genuine. Unpopular opinion: I was getting tired of hanging out with slight pick mes, small-minded, and broke women. I want girlfriends who dgaf about these men, have an abundant mindset, and have money to do the nice things to come across the rich men we want.

I still dabble in sex work. I recently rejoined the infamous sugaring website (Starts with seek) and surprisingly it's not so bad this time around. Still have to scope out thousands of time wasters and the cheapies but I am meeting more POTs. I also joined some vanilla dating apps and set my settings to meet more established men. I've been out on some pretty nice dates with men that got coins and are not shy to spend it 🤑.

There's been some opportunities which I did some light escort activities 😅. I have a girlfriend that do threesomes with me for the right price. Sometimes we get approached at the bar or we pick out a guy that looks like a trick. If you would've told me that I would be doing threesomes for money (let alone free) 2 years ago, I would have laughed in your face. But now I don't give a damn and will proudly do it for the $$$$ and right man. I sometimes get approached when I'm out alone, and I do not take anything less than $1000. I was thinking about joining Er*s to get some steady tricks, but everytime I try to join it seems like the Universe intervenes and prevents my profile from getting approved :/. I'm still going to do my hoe-tivites until I get that wedding ring from my dream wealthy husband!

I've been hanging out with some powerful (and famous) men and women. I am not going to mention names for obvious reasons, but I met these people by simply being at the right places at the right times. I met a lot of celebrities growing up, but it's different hanging out with them as an adult 😊. At the end of the day, celebrities are just normal people with extra money and recognition.

I also became a home owner, and I did it in the time frame I gave myself. I made a goal list years ago that I wanted to be a home owner by the age of 30, and here we are! I achieved my biggest goal I set for myself, and I did it by myself. I am very blessed and grateful to be able to have my own property and I thank God everyday. Now I need a wealthy generous man who wants to pay for all the renovations I plan on doing!

My life is really a movie and I am enjoying every scene! I literally smile when I think about how much my life has changed this past year, mostly everything has been very positive and what I wanted. It's crazy how everything that has happened to me, started off as a thought, dream, or a journal entry. I believed in myself and did not lose sight of what I wanted in life. I'm so glad I'm a city girl that believes in myself and not a pick me or "bOsS bAbe", otherwise my life would not be as exciting 😉 I sometimes reflect on my adult life so far and I can honestly say that I have a lot of great experiences that the average person couldn't even dream of. I am living my best Samantha Jones and Toni Childs combined life that I have manifested since I was a little girl. Little FLPM would be in so much awe if she saw how she would be living her adult life 🥹.

Overall, I am way happier now than I was 2 years ago. I overcame the darkest time of my life and I am so strong for that and I'm proud of myself. Maybe in another post I will get more into detail of that time period, but right now it is still triggering. I am just happy that I am seeing more positivity into my life and I am open and ready for what's coming next! I will also be more active on this blog, posting at least once a week! Get ready to hop on this fun ride with me!

#fucklovepayme #update #sugaring

[avpdvoidspace]

Do you ever struggle with being demonized for your quietness? I have, pretty much my whole life. I think it's a huge problem in society, if I'm being honest. I'm tired of acting like my whole child-self was in the wrong for not being able to bring myself to talk in a lot of situations, especially since I didn't get diagnosed and treated for my disorders until I was an adult. To be honest, I think it's society's way of demonizing people with AvPD, non-verbal autism and selective mutism. Thinking people like us are "rude" or "suspicious" for only speaking when spoken to, or having a non-verbal episode where we can't speak at all. I was suspected of being violent or "hiding something". Also I was deemed "weird" and treated like some alien due to other neurodivergencies as well.

People on this website sometimes act like being quiet is also a weakness or result of privilege. My parents were encouraging me and trying to get me to speak all the time, though. No one was saying "you don't have to speak if you don't want to". My father used to get angry with me about it, calling me "weak" and my mother used to guilt-trip me for it, claiming I "never tried hard enough" for her because I couldn't get myself to be neurotypical.

I also grew up in a world of domestic violence. My mother told me the abuse she faced from my father started getting particularly worse when she was pregnant with me. I was a little child born on-edge and having to walk on eggshells. My parents would get into violent fights with each other and my father would hit me, too. Both my parents worked and instead of spending time at home playing or bonding with family like other kids did, I was made to go to headstart when I was only like 2. I know it might seem like not a big deal, but thinking about it, I didn't have the same experiences that average kids do, and I still don't know if whether or not that contributed to my avoidant personality. I didn't even realize most kids don't even start school until they're 4 or 5 until I was much older. People have been getting me out there and encouraging me to socialize with others since the very beginning. It never worked.

I spent my whole life hating myself for it. I felt like I was never competent and that I was a burden on my mother. And there were many times I did try to make connections with others but they ended up either backstabbing me or shaming me for my interests. I regret a lot of the times I allowed myself to be known by others. There are many memories of me simply saying things to people that make me feel awful. Terrible disorder.

I did manage to make and keep some friends. But also I'm still not truly myself with most of them and still afraid they're going to end up demonizing me too if they knew more about me. Being queer and growing up with having kinks has left me with seeing so much family, strangers, and even other queer people say people like me are "freaks" and "degenerates" to my face without knowing they're talking someone who's exactly the kind of person they think should be killed.

I saw a post recently and honestly, it doesn't even apply to me. However, it still managed evoke a lot of negative emotions and memories I am experiencing right now...

So there's this post going around that goes something like "discourse about letting kids not say 'trick or treat' is concerning"(paraphrasing) which was weird to me at first because I've never seen anyone say they allow their kids not to say it. I've always said "trick or trick" during Halloween as a kid, even adding some "meows" because I liked being a cat. So it doesn't even apply to me.

But then there were people acting like not saying it comes from a place of privilege. Someone was like (paraphrasing again)"when I was giving out candy, all the black children were lively and sweet, and all the kids who didn't say it were white and probably middle class".

And that struck me a bit. I'm mixed race. People treated me like a potential violent threat because of my quiet nature, which was a result from trauma, not anyone "babying" me. I was always working class. My parents didn't even own a car. We used public transportation to get everywhere.

BIPOC kids who are quiet get treated as threats! Of course you fucking enjoy lively black kids. If one of them was quiet, you might demonize them...

Then there were people saying "you people just need to grow up."

It's so strange that traits that apply to non-verbal autism or CPTSD get deemed as "social anxiety", because tumblr thinks that is the lesser disorder.

I don't know. I got a lot of bad memories spring up from seeing that post, and I just wanted to vent about it here. So many people demonized me for being quiet growing up and it made me believe I was a monster for so long.

I'm not even saying I encourage the behavior of refusing to talk to people. I had a nice conversation with an old woman at Dunkin yesterday. I enjoy small talk and listening to others talk, even when I can't add much to the conversation. I just worry about other children who are like how I was growing up, being traumatized and quiet and being treated like shit for it... I don't trust anyone sees "quiet" as "rude"

I'm sorry about the length and I hope you're doing well.

anon, I'm sorry this took me so long to post. I just want to say that your ask really resonated with me and I've thought about it several times since receiving it. I get similarly frustrated when I see priveleged people praising marginalized for being more friendly, more whatever, for similar reasons. Or setting up an oppression competition between two groups they're not even a part of.

#avpd #avoidant personality disorder #again #sorry to take so long to post these #have been especially avoidant

[gg-selvish]

recovering from parasocialism, the ideal of a faceless man, and a heaping tablespoon of comphet within lesbianism

my name is tender, and i'm a multishipper who writes self-indulgence. as of december 31st i will have been posting fic for dteam-adjacent for three years with very few breaks, and a lot has happened in that time. i've been harassed and cancelled multiple times, chased into priv twitter, and now my last remaining public account is starting to get swarmed over something recent that i believe is a pretty simple misunderstanding that i would like to clear up. i've been alluding to it vaguely and it's partially my fault because my word choice implied things about the timeline that lead people to draw negative conclusions about me. but we're gonna fix that now.

dream is my least favourite member of dtk, but in the beginning he was my #1 favourite. i went corpse -> dream -> dnf -> george -> knf for my favourite ccs and i feel like it's pretty normal for stuff like that to switch around, but the way dream and i were previously attached and the way that attachment broke was pretty interesting but i also don't think it was that unfathomable. and firstly, for people who won't extend this post: it had nothing to do with the drituation. i say 'about a year ago / over a year ago' and people's minds go to the drituation / drexit but it wasn't that for me that broke my parasocialism to dream, it was the face reveal itself.

i am a lesbian and i've been a lesbian for a long time. i also love mlm content as evidenced by the fic i read and write and that's also always been an aspect of my life to the point where in my formative years i identified as an mlm trans man because i didn't want to get called a fujoshi. but i don't like men and i know that now. however, i have a nasty, nasty case of comphet. unattainable men to me are a safe and comfortable way to explore attachment to men because in my life i've never really had a positive experience of being friends with or dating a man. early dtk was like a pipedream to me and i think that's why i got so deep into it. discord podcasts and alt streams felt like private calls with friends and they were men in a distant and safe way so i was excited to feel apart of that (partially due to my own genderfuckery and gender envy but that's not what this about).

dream especially. it was dangerously easy to get into dream in 2020/2021 because he was so equally parasocial it fed into a relationship that felt like equivalent exchange and i got deep in it. self-ship daydreams and fantasies i turned into fic and basically dating this idealized faceless man in my head for a year and a half or some shit because he made me feel so safe and comfortable the way he makes a lot of people feel.

but i was scared of the face reveal always. when it comes to me developping comphet attachment i usually am introduced to the man as himself, and determine whether i like him or not and then either cling or drop. like george was genetically engineered in a lab for me to fixate on, same with karl, but dream in his faceless and parasocial era was another fucking level. and i fucking dreaded the face reveal because i knew the second i saw his face the magic would break and i would realize he's a man and that would make me uncomfortable.

dream has said before that 'dream' the persona can be gender neutral, any gender, anyone, and i really believe that. faceless dream was this magical and perfect person who i really loved deeply and found so much comfort in. and with the other male ccs it was easy to remind myself 'be careful, these are men', but dream didn't feel like a man, he felt like a soft voice who was there for me and a character i enjoyed exploring in fic.

the way i got into this fandom was also different, i was never in it for the content. i wasn't really watching streams or vods, i got into it via a heat waves tiktok, binged fic, and lived off of clips, youtube videos, highlight reals, and fan content. that's just how i approach most fandom spaces. hell, when i was into voltron i watched the first 3 seasons, got bored, and read a shitton of klance fic with my scraps of lore and was perfectly content. i have never indulged in fandom including rpf fandom for the people creating the source, i love the fan content and the easy to digest stuff. i don't really watch movies or tv shows, i read books or write stories or watch longer youtube videos.

so we're building up to the face reveal. everyone's so hyped and i'm excited too but i'm also bracing myself because i know my heart's gonna break and it's out of everyone's control and i just didn't talk about it because it was weird and might kill the vibe. the face reveal happened. i saw him. i processed him in my head as 'this man is dream', and my heart broke a bit.

dream has always been handsome, he's still kind and smart and the least funny of his friends. nothing about him changed besides my perception of him. but that's the point i'm trying to make with this: parasocial relationships can snap like a twig in a very one-sided way. but in this case it was a bit equal again just like our dynamic before. because as i was recovering from the face reveal and meetup vlog and sad about this 'break up' i was going through that was so stupid in my head (i literally looped a taylor swift song about it it was a break up.) the drituation hit and i was really turned around. my deep love for dream was gone already, i just had lingering fondness and empathy, and then the allegations scared me really badly. i absorbed the evidence and believed dream was likely innocent but i decided that between my loss of parasocial attachment and this new grey-area of morality i was just going to distance myself. not to mention by this time it was late 2022 and i had been harrassed and cancelled by dream stans more times than i can remember so i was pretty comfortable moving away from dream.

then he made himself smaller, and wasn't really around much. it was easy to get over a lot of the parasocial feelings because he didn't really give it back anymore, so then the interest just wasn't there. and there was so much constant negativity i just didn't want to be involved. but even after all of this and wasn't really into him as a content creator i have never stopped having empathy for him. dream is a human being and i think both stans and antis forget that because i've always been displeased with what i've seen on both sides and aligned myself with neutrality. but the internet doesn't really seem to allow for that, so antis think i'm a stan and stans think i'm an anti. and most people just hate me in general. do you see why it's hard for me to be here? and it's not anything dream has done so i don't hold anything against him. we just broke up. i've never said 'i hate dream' or even really 'i don't like dream' i just don't really care about his content anymore and that's, like, super normal.

but why do i write about him? well, as i prefaced this and as is in my pinned post, i don't write fanfiction the way other people do. i write self-indulgence that's chock full of projection and weird niche stuff and heavy themes. and most people don't like my fic, but the readers i have love it and give me a lot of positive feedback, so with my passion for the hobby of writing, my familiarity with the dnkn dynamics i have established in my 'cinematic universe', and positive feedback for creating only art i want to create instead of clinging to realism and making sure no one's feelings are hurt, i just make art that makes me happy. sure, if i need a bad guy it's been dream a lot, but it's also been george and karl. my comment about doing him dirty in fic was fucking. starting hush hush with a dnf break up and having knf fuck in his bed in a college au. it was so not that serious and it bothers me people assumed i was writing harmful content to take out some weird hateboner on a guy i used to love. that's not me, dude, i'm 26 years old. if i don't like someone it's easy for me to drop them. when supermega was outted as shittheads i dropped them after being a fan for years, it is a perfectly viable option for me and i didn't deem it necessary for this case.

in the end, i'm not exactly sure why people are so angry dream's my #4. he's still there, just lower on the tier list. i didn't get shit when i actively disliked sapnap in the early days, but now that i'm neutral on dream it's the end of the world? and to resolve this i'm getting harassed more by dream stans insulting my new #1? in what world would that get me to do what u want, be it liking dream or disliking karl, or not longer writing. i'll reiterate again: i am 26 and write self-indulgence for myself and my readers. i've done this for a long time and i'd really like to continue if that's okay. if you think i'm dragging dream's character through the mud and beating him with a baseball bat in my fic i really encourage you to look at the fic i've written about dream. even when i lost interest in him my fondness and empathy has always been there. i've written a lot of really lovely things about dream recently, and even when i put him through hardships it was just a story, there was no ill intent towards the real person.

and most of all: dream doesn't care how i feel about him, why do you?

#don't piss me off on a website with no character limit #thonking #txt #drituation mention //

[incorrectnevermoor]

Hey there! I've seen some really negative comments on Jupiter as a parent figure, and I thought I'd get your feedback. Someone said he's doing poorly because he doesn't have enough time for Morrigan and he should realize this and find her a proper adoptive family. Their thoughts are that he is repeatedly hurting her by keeping her in her current situation and trying so hard to get her into a school that doesn't treat her right.

I don't know, I have a hard time seeing him that negatively. I think he is doing his best in the best way he knows how, and nobody is so perfect that they don't learn things by trial and error. I think Mog would be sad if she had to go live with somebody else. Maybe Jupiter isn't always around, but the rest of the Deucalion family is there for her, so she does have a good family. Idk, I just can't bring myself to think that terribly about Jupiter.

Thoughts?

First thing’s first: I know I have a couple asks I haven’t answered in my inbox right now but this one had to take precedence because I am a Jupiter defender first and a person second, really these are extenuating circumstances.

SECONDLY: my friend. My buddy. Mate. I agree with you wholeheartedly, you are 100% right.

From the first time we meet him in nevermoor to the last time we’ve seen him in hollowpox, the man has been doing his damnest to help Mog in any way he can. Does he keep secrets? Yes, but as I see it, that’s just another way he’s trying to protect her, some information isn’t exactly good for one’s self esteem or comfortable for people (especially children) to know. Is it the best choice? Probably not, considering Mog’s a very curious child, but Jupiter isn’t a dad, from what we know his whole experience having kids under his wing has been Jack for who knows how long and idk if anyone noticed but he is, in fact, very different from Morrigan, so Jupiter is kind of going in blind here!

The fact is, actually, that he’s defended Morrigan more times than we probably know of, and he’ll keep doing so because he loves her to bits. Has he been busy? Yes, he’s a helping soul with a lot of titles and a knack that’s probably very useful in knowing who’s lying and who might know something. Did he force Mog into wunsoc? Not really, if anyone here remembers, Mog was actually really excited to join, albeit also very anxious because trauma. The school doesn’t treat her right? This is something even miss Cheery couldn’t fix, and she was in charge of Morrigan’s education from the beginning! Matter of fact, as soon as he found out how Mog was being treated, he went out of his way to show her not all wundersmiths are bad, that Onstald was biased, AND he made the headmistress change her schedule! I bet you he raised hell for that last one, don’t you think?

I will keep typing because I am properly incensed right now, does anyone think that Morrigan would realistically prefer to live with someone else at the moment? Truly? Or would she feel like she was being pawned off because she did something wrong again and feel abandoned, AGAIN? She’s finally got people who care for her, who defend her, who she sees as family, and that’s because of Jupiter.

Being a parent is, in part, knowing when to push your kid towards what’s best for them and when to let them choose to give up, that’s what Jupiter Amantius North did with the Trials and anyone who says differently can meet me at the Denny’s parking lot so we can fight about it.

#i am not afraid to fight a minor #especially for my MAN #i wrote this in a fit of incandescent rage #I genuinely believe that I was possessed for a moment there #nevermoor #wundersmith #hollowpox #morrigan crow #jupiter north #not a quote

[chirpsythismorning]

You can't expect people to take you seriously if you're not providing any proof? If Will and El are twins and Joyce and Hopper are their bio parents, why don't any of them know about it and why haven't there been any hints about it? I'm not even trying to be rude here I just haven't seen any evidence. Let alone strong evidence

I've gotten a few confused asks about this theory and how it just doesn't make any sense..?

I'm not saying that I completely understand the ins and outs of how it works, in fact I'm still completely immersed in theorizing and not being certain of anything! Quite frankly, I don't understand it (how time works/the rules of the game), though I think that's necessary because otherwise everyone and their mother would have guessed this surprise by now if it was any more obvious than it already is.

I also just feel kind of bad about spoiling what could possibly be going down, especially bc this would clearly be a series long surprise.

I've been theorizing for months now with @shippingfangirl013 about this. It started with us sharing thoughts about Twelvegate and just sort of piecing together s4 lab scenes and then eventually going back to the beginning to see what we might have missed from this new lens, that being the possibility that Will is Twelve. And that's when we realized A LOT of stuff has been overlooked from the very beginning, which provides not only answers to certain questions we had, but also brings forth even more questions that we wouldn't have come up with, had we not looked back further into the details in the first place.

She has a bunch of posts that are severely underrated in regards to this whole theory, so I urge you all to check those out:

Twelvegate Theory: Drowning in the Quarry and Will & El (Part 1)

Twelve Actor Resemblance to Young Will Byers

Stranger Things S5 Conglomerate Twelvegate Theory (Part 1)

Conglomerate ST S5 Theory Parallels

Also be sure to keep an eye out because she has some really big brain analysis in the works that you dont want to miss. I can honestly say she plays a big role in why I feel fairly confident about this theory, because I myself didn't really believe it at first. But now, after everything I've seen, it's kind of hard not to.

Even if you don't like this the idea of this theory or just simply don't believe the evidence presented that you've seen thus far, at the very least looking at this could expand your ability to look further at other details on the show and even pick up on evidence of your own. I find that more often than not, knowing about the existence of certain overlooked details allows you to find even more overlooked details that others missed.

For the sake of your doubtful ask, and for anyone else who isn't even considering this theory because it seems too far fetched, I'm going to share some of my favorite unhinged evidence for whatever the hell gate we're calling this...

But first, here is some basic context for the chaos that follows.

Something important to note, is that we don't meet Hopper, El or the Byers the night that Will went missing. We only met Will and the party. Instead they saved the rest of the main character's introductions (his family, mind you) for the following day, after Will had gone missing. This also means they saved their introductions for AFTER the big power outage that happened that night right before he disappeared.

I find this interesting because this choice allowed them to make those introductions feel arguably 'starting point'/reset-like (like in a video game).

You'll also note there is a 'Pizza One' box in that first scene when the party is in Mike's basement playing their campaign, moments before that power outage. This could have been a hint that the very start of the pilot episode at the Wheelers may very well be the OG timeline, that we've been straying from ever since. And so let's say hypothetically, if we had met Hopper, El and the Byers BEFORE that power outage, whose to say their lives wouldn't have looked slightly different...?

The first time we are introduced to Hopper is in the scene directly after the opening credits, which was right after the scene of Will disappearing in the shed. Hopper is sleeping on the couch in his trailer, wearing both his daughter's blue bracelet and his watch. We also get 3 references to keys in this scene (a 2 ft long key decal in the literal opening shot). And if that's not enough, what follows is Hopper getting ready for work, putting a yellow pen in his pocket near a painting of an owl, before grabbing his keys and walking out the door.

The first time we are introduced to Joyce (the Byers), follows directly after the scene with Hopper, where Joyce just so happens to be looking everywhere for her keys, Where the hell are they?, followed by finding them on the couch, despite already looking there previously with no luck (interesting Hopper was sleeping on the couch with Willel symbols on his wrists only moments before this hmm). We then get a shot of Joyce showing concern over Will not eating breakfast, followed by scolding Jonathan for forgetting to wake Will up, adding I've told you this a thousand times, before she walks past an owl on the wall in the hallway and opens the door to another owl on the wall in Will's (unoccupied) room...

Let me just say, for the sake of this fictional family, I hope to god they haven't been through this thousands of times. Though I fear they might have. At least more than once...

There are a lot, A LOT of scenes that go down like this. As the show progresses, we get a lot of references to time passing and confusion and impatience and it almost feels like they themselves know deep down this isn't their first rodeo, and yet they're still playing along bc how exactly can one question their reality?.

The problem right now for me, is that I don't understand the rules of the game. How does time work? What even is the goal of the game (to win, I presume?)? Maybe Vecna's having to keep reseting the time loop, to get the results he wants, and over time he's getting closer and closer to the results he wants, but it will ultimately (predictably) lead to him failing once and for all in the final season, when all is inevitably revealed?

Hypothetically, if this is all some game/pocket universe Vecna has thrown our core characters into, essentially surrounding them with 'fakers', then how do we know what is/isn't real? Or I guess whether or not we're in a timeline/loop either closest to, or furthest away from the original timeline? That's why it's hard for me to go further in terms of definitively piecing everything together time wise. Not only that, but we also don't even know for sure what Vecna wants from Will and El, truly.

But I do think that a lot of the answers to the truth are hidden in plain sight.

If you're genuinely curious, I encourage you to rewatch the show for yourself to see if you can pick up on things! Be sure to keep an eye out for keys and owls in particular. Also, El's flashbacks of Mama/the rainbow room might prove to be important... like, literally slowing down and pausing and screenshooting every single frame level important...

Who knows, you might even stumble upon a completely different undiscovered theory in the process!

On that note, here is just a slice of my favorite evidence in regards to this theory, that will hopefully open your mind to the possibility:

When Hopper asks about Lonnie's whereabouts, Joyce insists TRUST ME HE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS. They made sure to keep the keys on the wall OUT of the frame in those shots referencing Lonnie by name specifically. However, when the conversation circles back to Will, and then follows after with Joyce telling Hopper to find her son, the keys are once again visible in both of their shots.

This scene right here is pretty epic. We all interpret Hopper's investigative skills throughout the series as him just being good at his job. But I would argue this scene in particular gives off very intense deja vu. It's as if Hopper knows where to look, because he's done this before. It's as if he's getting a gut feeling in certain areas that actually could be close to the truth, because this is his thousandth time doing this (Jesus, for their sake, I hope that's not the case).

Still, Hopper showcases a lot of unbelievable detective work throughout the show, and I think it could very well be hinting at him drifting in and out of awareness over the fact that he has done this before, which allows him to make such incredible guesses that lead him to the answer sooner than he would have in any normal situation (and yet, never too close...)

Has this always been here? That's what Hopper asks about a dent in the wall. We interpret it as maybe Hopper trying to figure out if this could be connected to Will's disappearance. But what if it's more than that? What if it hasn't always been there? What if this is a glitch in the matrix of sorts, and he noticed that glitch, bc this isn't his first time doing this? (Also peep the owl that shows up at the very last second in the shot directly below, with Joyce and Hopper in the frame, just as he gets the urge to check the backyard...)

This scene... This fucking scene ya'll. It just doesn't make any sense. This is one of several scenes throughout the show that have so many unanswered questions. I think it's because something else is going on that weren't not supposed to understand yet. That shot with Hopper encased in a rainbow is cool and probably means something... Hopper intensely walking into the frame as he steps towards the shed, with the upside down horseshoe above the door also probably means something...

Hopper literally walks up straight to where Will was in the shed the night previous, bc he's just that good of a detective. Yeah, okay... Suddenly the light overhead is blinking dramatically, only to switch off completely, which leads Hopper's eyes to catch this makeshift fort in the corner of the shed. Before he even gets a good look at what he's seeing, he's interrupted by Callahan, pulling him out of his deja vu state, followed by the light switching back on instantly, as if the occurrence was all in his head.

This also happens a lot, where our main characters are being interrupted by other characters, only seconds before they were close to solving something. And I just find that interesting...

This one is kind of peak comedy because, all it's doing on the surface is implying that Joyce and Hopper have a romantic history, but it also sneakily involves Will in the joke, as evidence that they have been intimate... The Chief and her, they've screwed before huh? ...WILL! That a 'yeah' or did they...

To be honest, I was really doubtful about Joyce and Hopper being El and Will's biological parents at first, even despite believing twelvegate and the possibility of them being twins. And this doubt mostly came from the scenes we get with Terry aka El's 'Mama'.

Initially, I had convinced myself it would be too sad, considering how much backstory we got about Terry. But @shippingfangirl013 made me realize that there is something very off about these scenes with Terry, that I think kind of went over all of our heads.

First of all, Mama is essentially the equivalent to the name Papa, and so we should start by unpacking that. Why didn't the writers have El distance herself from that exact association she links to Brenner, by just having her call Terry 'mom' like most kids call their mother? It doesn't seem that serious on the surface, but again this is a choice the writers made... Maybe it's because they wanted the audience to subconsciously associate those two with each other (Papa/Mama)? Also peep Jim giving Will Byers vibes, all lit up by the sun like Jesus (or I guess... God?) below!

The main thing I want to talk about though, is that despite Terry's vegetative state, she's still managing to give us hints about how she feels and what she thinks, with very subtle micro-expressions.

When she meets Hopper and Joyce in s1, Terry looks completely unsurprised. You could say she looks the same all of the time, because of her vegetative state, and while I mostly agree, there are some outliers in the mix.

When Joyce mentions El being her daughter, what we get is a reaction shot of Terry dramatically closing her eyes for an extended period of time, almost like she's experiencing frustration over them woefully misunderstanding the truth behind what's going on.

And I think that's kind of the whole point of the vegetative state here, that perhaps if Terry could say what she wanted to say, it would give away the truth that has been hidden all along, AKA Joyce and Hopper are El and Will's true parents. When Joyce then mentions her missing son, showing Terry a picture of him, this woman LITERALLY turns her head to the right, looking straight up annoyed... Why? Why would she do that unless this is her ?/? time meeting them, hearing this same old silly charade?..

But then here... THIS moment when Hopper asks about Brenner and Terry's relationship with him, that's when it gets interesting. Terry doesn't look exhausted over their ignorance anymore like she seemed to be in the moments previous. Now, she's back to her stare of nothing, and yet seeing this in contrast to her micro-expressions, almost adds a new layer to what this could possibly mean... Perhaps this could be hinting that Hopper is a lot closer to the truth than he realizes, warranting a knowing look from Terry, with her almost impressed, thinking Damn Jim, maybe you'll figure it out this time and I can finally be released from this hell...

This might seem like a reach to assume Brenner and Terry had any sort of relation beyond her being a lab volunteer, but something I think you might be interested in knowing, is that Terry has a little collection of Bonsai tree books beside her chair... Bonsai... does that remind you of anyone...? (If you check out those posts by @shippingfangirl013, you might know what i'm referring to...)

The fact that Hopper even mentions Brenner and Terry's presumed connection to him is just one other example of Hopper subconsciously picking up on things he discovered in previous loops that are close to the TRUE truth, allowing him to narrow things down quicker this time around, without needing to take all the steps to get to that point.

An owl behind both Joyce and Hopper here, while they talk about what allegedly happened to Terry and her daughter Jane.

And there you have it folks, the acknowledgment that the truth could have been covered up, the moment Hopper stands in front of the owl artwork (literally covering it up). Owls, which have been tied more than anyone else to Hopper, Joyce, Will and El (tying them together?).? Also the crib between them... Nothing to see here.

This one is pretty self explanatory. We even get a parallel to this in s4 with El AND Will, though next time they'll confirm Hopper's role in the equation. So, be ready for that...

These scenes are so important to this theory because despite them all being separated (who knows how many times now), they have this epic finale of coming together. We get these really heartfelt scenes with El and Joyce and Hopper, Will and El, and then Will and Joyce and Hopper, and it's all very emotional and just so much deeper knowing that the truth could be that they're all tied to each other more than we (or even them) realize.

11 & 12 between the two hands on the clock, in a moment that parallels X-Men and also the lab massacre (which presumably had both 11 and 12 in attendance...). Mike calling out to El emotionally the moment that Joyce and Hopper are reunited with Will. My heart can't take it!!!

Someone actually noticed this shot of Hopper recently, I can't remember who! But it made me want to go back to see what shot is right before it. And low and behold, it follows directly after a shot of the Byers family reuniting. Kind of interesting they made the choice to have this shot right afterwards, of Hopper sitting next to Ted (aka a dad), while looking lost in thought as he stressfully bites his nails, with his arm sporting his daughter's blue bracelet...

Not suspicious at all. That creepy shadow behind Owens as he makes an almost knowing comment about Joyce and Hopper being 'Mom and Pop', followed by Hopper looking like he's missing something...

And for this scene to follow shortly after? Hopper literally acknowledging Owens whose waving at him politely, and yet choosing to not wave back at him?... He KNOWS something is off, but he just can't quite put his finger on it...

As you probably know, most of the scenes with the birthday mug in Mike's basement involve either El (in s1) or Will (in s2-3), which is interesting considering the other few notable birthday references we get in the show, including this really cryptic sequence above, involve Joyce and Hopper...

Now, if you still didn't believe me about Terry's behavior being off, I think this piece of evidence might help support our claims a little bit more for you to consider. Because, why, WHY when El approaches Terry in the void and says I'm home, is Terry's response No..? Why would that even make any sense? Why would El's biological mom say No to her missing daughter implying that she is her family? Unless, she's not of course...?

Something interesting about the flashbacks that Terry shows El, is that they're very sporadic and hard to understand. Not only that, but we STILL get callbacks to these memories heavily even in s4, which tells me there is still something there that has yet to be picked up on, by both the audience and El herself, which is why they keep resurfacing in different forms. My favorite moment out of the s2 flashbacks though is probably this moment where it looks like a baby is born, only for Brenner to look back, like there's more to come (another baby?? TWINS?). But this type of twin imagery, only gets stronger in s3-4...

After 2 seasons of building up this meeting of these two characters who have been mirroring each other since the very beginning, here we are... Also, why even hold back for so long in introducing them? Maybe because them finally interacting properly is going to cause some things to resurface... And you definitely don't want to overlook these shots of Hopper and Joyce in Melvald's with two baby's in between them, followed by a shot of keys... Hmmmm.

Remember when I said to pay attention to the Terry/Lab flashbacks El experiences over the seasons?

Well this particular flashback below comes from 3x06: E Plurbius Unum aka the episode that was originally titled The Birthday, might prove to be important...

Jonathan and Will in a scene prior to El's flashback, has them situated interestingly between this Lucky Charms box and this Spill & Spell game, which is then followed by this scene with El experiencing flashbacks... And...

Rainbow? Lucky (Upside down horse shoe...) Enter flashback

I'm not going to be able to show each frame of this flashback, because in total there are over 30 different quick images shown and repeated...

And so, If you want to find out why this is the strongest piece of evidence for Willel twins in my opinion (brought to you by @shippingfangirl013's big brain), go back and rewatch to see how many times they show the image of baby El and young El in the rainbow room... Also take note of how shots of Kali (008) are interspersed consistently within this flashback, aka a character that is known for having powers to make people invisible, and to also make people see things that aren't actually happening...

Here's that parallel I mentioned earlier making a return, but instead tying El (and arguably Will) to Hopper being their biological father. Also peep El's bracelet and Will's watch being prominent in a lot of their shots together throughout s4, now that they share the screen a lot more.

The Wright Bros...

No, but seriously, Willel's bracelet and watch mirroring each other often in their scenes together, and by association also paralleling Hopper wearing one of each, dramatically showcased in his introduction to the series, can be something so personal to me...

THEY'RE TWINS YOUR HONOR!

This one really goes off. A car passes by a couple times during this flashback El has (IN S4), causing a shadow to cast behind Will, almost creating this duplicate-like effect... This is literally happening while El is having a flashback to her 'birth mother', while staring at a family (with their faces warn out/blurred) on a billboard, with an arrow pointing towards where Will, aka her twin, is standing to the right of her...

This one below has gotta be my favorite though. And it's because I literally remember watching this scene the first time and being confused?

Tbh, that's when you know something is more complex than it appears. Whenever something feels off within the context provided in the moment, it's probably because there's something deeper going on and there are multiple meanings at play. This means they're using this small moment as an opportunity to provide dual meaning in plain sight, that we wont understand the dual meaning of until later on down the line.

Are you ready..

Hmmm. I wonder what this could possibly be alluding to? Could it perhaps be the writers hinting at Hopper unintentionally projecting his own situation onto Dmitri? Is it possible who Hopper believes to be his child (daughter... son(s?)?) and his (ex)wife, are not actually who he and everyone thinks they are...?

Well. There you have it! These are just some of the many, many hints hiding in the details that point to the possibility of the Byers actually all being, Hoppers...?

For now, this is just a theory! So even though it's cool and there is a serious amount of evidence pointing to it, it will most definitely continue to transform and look different over time, the more we look deeper and discover more. Nothing is set in stone, for now it's all just theories and speculation.

Again, if you're curious about what else there is out there in regards to this theory and other possibilities surrounding it, please follow and check out @shippingfangirl013 posts! She was way more on board with this theory than me in the beginning and arguably still is, because I do still experience occasional doubt about it, for sure.! And so without her I would not have come to half of these conclusions! I look forward to you guys seeing other stuff she's discovered bc seriously... Her poor storage ya'll.

And also, if you're interested in the time-loop aspect specifically in regards to this, I encourage you to check out two recent posts I did about this. Part I actually starts with those first scenes introducing Hopper and the Byers and how other scenes later in the show parallel it. VERY VERY cool stuff, and tbh if you've made it this far, I think you'll be intrigued...

Time Loop Fuckery in Stranger Things Part I

Time Loop Fuckery in Stranger Things Part II

#byler #stranger things #twelvegate #willel wondertwins #willel literal twins #joyce + hopper = willel twins #also apologizes to the duffers #i do feel bad about letting their surprises be talked about IF this actually ends up being canon in the final season... #then again when s5 promo starts rolling around #people are already going to be speculating if there is evidence in promo #i know bylers will be especially bc we have so many theories already that anything pointing to them blatantly going forward #will have us literally jumping on the walls and blasting about how obvious it is #and atp i think the ga will catch on regardless of us sharing these easter eggs... #again tho #just a theory!!

[iloveyouemanuelmarco]

Ok so I might sound kinda crazy but hear me out, do you ever feel like you're cis when you're transgender based on reality? I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense so lemme explain my situation to you a little bit but please be aware it's probably not gonna make much sense to anyone other than me and hopefully a few other people I guess? But whatever, anyways: So basically to start us off at the beginning, I've known I was somewhere on the transgender/genderqueer spectrum for like I think a few years now or atleast 1-2 if that's important and at first it was like I was fine with not being completly a girl, but at the same time it didn't feel like a big deal because I was still mostly a girl and I had the idea that no one would get mad at me if I just lived like a cis person when I actually felt like a demigirl or something related to that because I still liked being feminine while at the same time I wasn't completly female like my birth gender. Then, awhile later I realized I felt more boyish when it came to my gender identity, but at the same time felt more girly and felt my sexuality changing it's personal definition so I was like..."Yo wtf why am I getting so upset all of a sudden being feminine? I atleast thought it wouldn't be that bad" because on certain days I would get dysphoric but also be ok on other days. Keep in mind, this was around the time still where younger me was being influenced by the transmedicalist/truscum debate points that were more popular on the internet to say the least so it was obviously gonna be negative and cause me to push those feelings of mine aside for not wanting to be seen as a "trender" or someone fake or whatever. Ofcourse I would eventually grow out of that and realize with the internet that all trans people are different and that you don't have to pick between trans boy, trans girl and nonbinary" which was slowly turning into a binary at some point by cis people. Blah blah blah, eventually I decided that I was a trans dude(ftm) but also genderfluid which is sorta accurate today but I felt more bigender then when I identified as such than anything now so I don't know uhh. Why'd I bring up all this past gender and sexuality spectrum clutter again??Oh right, because I've been noticing changes with how I present myself atleast sorta recently. To keep it somewhat sane-sounding, for the past 4 months at the very least, while I do recognize that I am technically and realistically a trans boy due to being afab, at the same time for some odd reason, I keep feeling...like a cis-ajacent man for a lack of a better term? Like its not that I wanna be some sort of "pick-me" or whatever, far from it actually but like...I do identify with the label being ftm but at the same time apart of me doesn't because I already am a man despite not being like that at birth???I feel less like a trans guy and more like a feminine cis dude trapped in a mostly female body??I know it doesn't sound accurate to you all but I hope it somewhat can make sense later? Tbh it's better when explained verbally irl than like me attempting to write down a complicated experience of mine coherently. I don't wanna be a cis male either since they hurt so many people so there's that...

#Gender Fuckery #Gender Vent #Gender Dysphoria #Genderqueer #MOGAI #Gender Nonconforming #GNC #GNC Trans #Transgender #Transgender Community #Trans #Trans Community #Trans Boy #Trans Dude #Trans Man #Transgender Boy #Transgender Man #Feminine Man #Queer #Queer Community #Queer Masculinity #LGBTQIAPlus #LGBTQIA+ #LGBTQIA Community #LGBTQIA #LGBTQIAPlus Community #LGBTQIA+ Community #FTM #Genderfluid #BiGender