#he better get a nicely animated cinematic or some shit I will not stand for the crappy scene they did at the end of the Necrolord campaign

[demonsonthemoon]

Standing on the Edge / We’re Already Falling

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton Word Count: 3499 Rating: M Summary: Clint doesn't do romantic relationships. Bucky doesn't do sex. But they do do something together. One night, Clint has a request. "Do you mind if I jerk off?" Featuring akoiromantic!Clint. Notes: If you are here expecting smut you might be disappointed because the smut I was planning to write disappeared in between whole paragraphs of introspection. STORY OF MY LIFE. This fic has been sitting in my draft for more than a year and I STILL had to rush it to post it in time for #AggressivelyArospecWeek, so apologies if it is super wonky and there are typos everywhere. This is vaguely inspired by personal experiences and fantasies, because relationships are fascinating and I like to self-reflect. Also please note that I'm allosexual and the perspective I have on asexuality is totally external. So if you have any comments about the way I wrote it that might further my understanding of asexuality and help me write it better, let me know! Content warnings: Bucky's asexuality in this is explored partly in relation to his history of abuse so if that sounds squicky or triggering to you, be careful!

Read it on AO3.

The feeling of Bucky's lips on his wasn't anything new to Clint. That didn't mean that the pleasure of it was wearing off, far from it. First kisses were never the best. No, the really good one only came after, when you knew what the other person liked and they knew your preferences as well. When you could play each other like finally tuned instruments to elicit your favorite sounds at will. Those were the best kisses.

The one they were sharing now was quite high-ranking on that scale, at least according to Clint's opinion. They were both freshly clean from a shower, and Clint was quickly letting go of all the tension from the mission he'd just come back from. He was finally reaching the good side of pent-up where sensations were pleasurably heightened but not making him paranoid. Then there was the fact that Bucky was softly biting on his lower lip and had a hand in Clint's hair. Yeah. It was a pretty good kiss.

“Fuck,” Clint whispered at they broke apart for hair. They didn't go far from one another, just hovering on that edge of kissing again. Clint had a hand on Bucky's face, softly running a thumb over his stubble, the other over his hip.

Bucky smiled, then kissed him again. It was funny. Clint swore his lips tasted different when he smiled. It was one of his favorite flavors.

This thing between them hadn't always been that easy. There had been a time when Bucky's only two moods were “shadow in the corner” and “murder glare,” which had not been conducive to much physical intimacy. (Not that Clint had been unwilling. Everyone who knew him was aware of his attraction to danger.) It had taken a while for Bucky to become comfortable, both with himself and with the people also living on the Avengers compound. Clint had understood that. The guy had been through a lot. He'd still barely remembered who he was when he'd turned himself in after a year of leading Steve and Sam around on a merry chase.

But he'd gotten around to it. The whole being a person thing. Being something other than a weapon.

Yes, Clint had been a little protective of him. Still was. He could relate to the guy. A few days of alien brainwashing was obviously different to a few decades of being Hydra's puppet, but it still gave them more common grounds than most of the other Avengers.

They'd started getting along, and then they had started getting along, and now Clint was shirtless and kissing Bucky in his bed and it all felt really nice.

Really really nice.

“Shit, fuck,” Clint whimpered against Bucky's mouth, drawing away slightly. “Wait a sex- sec. I have a question.”

The beginning of their relationship (Clint always made a face at the word, but he hadn't found any other one that fit) had involved a lot of awkward conversations about boundaries. Clint had been on the verge of e-mailing his therapist about it several times. She would have been so proud. Clint wasn't ready to admit that, but it had felt nice for once not to be the only one tiptoeing around a minefield. That's what it had felt like in a lot of his other relationships, and most of his other partners hadn't been subtle in letting him know it was his fault.

Bucky didn't make him feel like it was his fault. He had plenty of minefields of his own and seemed grateful to have Clint here to help him figure out their layouts.

It had almost been funny when they'd realized how little they matched one another.

Clint didn't do romance. He'd learned the hard way that however much he liked the person at first, and even continued to like them, in a way, he couldn't sustain romantic attraction for much more than a few weeks into a relationship. And the pressure of a romantic relationship was just too much for him to handle. After a series of self-sabotaged messes and a divorce, he'd been forced to admit that it wasn't worth trying anymore. He'd mostly resigned himself to one-night stands and the occasional cuddle with a friend. Wanting regular physical and emotional intimacy outside of a romantic relationship just wasn't something he figured he could get.

Bucky, on the other hand, was totally open to the pursuit of romance. At least as much as someone with such severe trust issues as he had could be. But he didn't really do sex. At least not for now.

It had been kind of funny to find all of that out, but also not at all. Clint was very happy that they'd decided to figure something out anyway. He'd been even happier when the something in question had turned out to involve having a close friend he could regularly make out with but who didn't pressure him into being with each other all the time, being wooed or going on dates.

Their relationship probably looked like weird and misshapen from any outside perspective, and sometimes even from Clint's, when his nerves were too raw or his mind was too numb and he looked at the universe and only saw the result of his failures. But it was theirs, and whenever Clint felt like his skin was his own again, he found he was willing to fight for it.

It was a weird yo-yo motion, with a string that threatened to snap every so often, but so far it was still turning.

Clint couldn't help himself, and he gave Bucky another peck on the lips. Just to erase the frown that had formed on his forehead as he'd pulled away from their kiss.. “Don't worry. There's no good or bad answer here.” He tried to keep his tone confident and casual. Spy training came in handy in these kinds of situation. Of course, the fact that Bucky was just as well trained meant he could usually read through Clint's bullshit, but well. One had to try.

Clint took a breath, and smiled. “Do you mind if I jerk off?”

Bucky froze against Clint's hands. His eyes widened just the slightest bit.

And then he looked down at Clint's crotch, and the blond bit down on his own lip to avoid letting out a thoroughly undignified squeak. The outline of his erection was clearly visible through the worn material of his post-shower sweatpants. Bucky somehow seemed surprised by it, even though there was no way he hadn't felt it rub against him at any point of the previous proceedings.

Clint felt a blush rise to his cheeks. He wasn't embarrassed about sex. He didn't think that was what it was. He was just very aware of the request he'd just made and the fact that Bucky's attention was still lingering on his cock.

“You don't have to say yes. I really don't mind if we just make out some more and cuddle. I just thought... Well. I just thought that if you didn't have to... participate, you might still like to watch?” The blood in his cheeks was quickly approaching boiling point. “Or not. I don't know. I just thought I'd ask.”

Clint forced himself to close his mouth and stop talking before he fell into a spell of ill-advised chatter. For a few excruciating seconds, Bucky stayed silent. At least he was looking into Clint's eyes again, instead of at his dick. Small mercies.

“Is that something that you would like? If I watched?”

“Um.” Clint swallowed. The fact that Bucky's gaze followed the movement of his Adam's apple was enough to force him to admit he didn't want to lie. “Yeah. Yeah. I'd... I think I'd like that a lot.”

Clint didn't know what reaction he'd expected at that. A joke perhaps. Or at least a raised eyebrow. He hadn't expected Bucky to move forward like a hunting animal jumping on his prey and kiss him. Clint opened his mouth and let the kiss deepen. He wasn't an idiot, he wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get kissed passionately by Bucky just because he was confused. So he moved one arm over Bucky's shoulder, found a better angle and kissed back, giving as much as he got.

He hadn't lied when he'd said he could do just this for hours. Who cared if it made him feel like an awkward teenager again, one who was all too happy to agree to “no sex on the first date” because he didn't know how to tell his at the time girlfriend that he hadn't ever touched a condom in his life.

Clint wasn't frustrated. He jerked off a healthy amount, and in the time between he got to hang out with Bucky and get kissed senseless. There was really no drawback to this situation.

And sure, Clint had desires. Fantasies. There were many things he thought about while he jerked off, and quite a few of them inlvoved Bucky in different stages of nakedness and with various amounts of their naked skins touching. But he also had fantasies about a lot of people he had never had and would never have sex with, and that was fine. He was friends with Bucky, and his comfort whenever they spent time together was a lot more important than Clint's libido.

But he had wondered if maybe... If there could be a way to get more of what he wanted without pushing any of Bucky's boundaries. He already felt bad for not being able to give Bucky everything he wanted, everything that he deserved. Bucky should get to be with someone who would go on dates with him, who would kiss him in the rain and hold his hand it public, and whisper I am so glad that you're my boyfriend against his ear. After all the ways he'd been used and abused, Bucky deserved the certainty of someone who loved him in all ways, all the time.

And Clint wasn't that someone. Clint couldn't give himself to someone in that way without feeling trapped, without tainting the beauty of every gesture with his own fear of being controlled.

Asking for this, for this selfish thing that wasn't sex but was so so close, it was a dangerous thing. It felt like taking something more, and Clint had never felt like he deserved anything in his life, not most of the bad, but not really any of the good either, and he didn't want to be that person who just took and took from someone who had already lost so much, but Bucky had always told him to just ask and he had, and Bucky was still kissing him like there was no other way to say what he meant to say and-

“Okay,” Bucky panted when he finally pulled away far enough to form words. “I think I want to see that.”

And, fuck, this was definitely something that Clint had fantasized about before, that's why he brought it up, but his imagination paled before the real thing, before the livewire tension all across his body and the way Bucky looked hungry in a way he'd never had before, and then Clint was being pushed back against the pillows of the bed and Bucky was slowly peeling off his sweatpants to expose the boxers underneath and this was all too much already. Bucky looked so smug about it too, like this was a perfectly normal things for them to do, like anything below the belt wasn't an entirely new territory for them. Bucky settled cross-legged on the end of the bed opposite to Clint, and tilted his head in a sort of go-ahead gesture. There was such open curiosity in his eyes, and Clint hadn't known that that was something that did it for him, but it really, truly was.

In all of his fantasies, he hadn't had to think about how to jerk off, he'd already been doing it as he set the scene in his head. He had felt a certain thrill at the idea of being watched, but none of the nervousness that came from putting on a show. And that probably wasn't what Bucky even expected from him, but Clint still felt weird. It felt like the worst case of stage fright he'd had since his first performance in the circus when he'd been a teenager.

Clint took a deep breath. He looked up into Bucky's eyes, carefully trained on his, and slowly pulled his boxers off.

*****

Bucky could tell that Clint was nervous. He wanted to so something about it, but he had no idea how. Clint had been the one to offer this, to ask for this, and Bucky was just along for the ride. A ride he definitely thought he would enjoy, but he also couldn't be sure, and he didn't want to push Clint but didn't want to stay totally detached either and...

And Clint was now touching his dick, hand in a loose fist around it, going up and down, thumb brushing over the head to gather a few drops of precome. And he was staring at Bucky as he did all that, worrying his bottom lip and staring at Bucky like he held all of the answers in the world.

He was surprised at how big the urge to touch was. He wanted to put his mouth on Clint's and bite down, bite properly instead of whatever Clint was doing to deal with his nervousness. He wanted to put a hand in Clint's hair and lick along the side of his neck and then look down at where his hand was still moving on his cock.

But he didn't do any of that, even though he had before (except for the looking part), because if he did he might trip on his own boundaries, might trigger that trapwire inside himself that made him retreat.

So he just watched instead, held Clint's gaze when it met his.

This was a new things for the two of them, but at the same time... it wasn't. Not really. Because this wasn't about sex. Sex was something that Bucky felt totally detached from on a good day, and on a bad one it was something that made him nervous, made his stomach twist and weigh heavily.

He couldn't explain why, because he hadn't ever had a particularly bad experience with it. At least he didn't think so. (He hated that he still wasn't sure, couldn't be sure, because so many memories had been taken from him and he couldn't ever know if he had gotten all of them back.)

What he remembered, at least, wasn't bad, although it wasn't good. Bucky could see himself, another person in another time, lying in fresh grass with a girl, her perfume just heavy enough to make him slightly light-headed, to take the edge off the feeling of wrongness he was experiencing as he touched her, let her touch him. He could feel the purely physical pleasure of the act, perfunctory, but nothing else.

This thing right now with Clint was nothing like that, because it wasn't about the sex. It was about Clint and it was about pleasure, but physicality was only one tiny part of this equation.

Bucky watched Clint's hand run up hand down his cock, and he didn't wish that it was his instead, but that didn't stop him from being fascinated by the movement, by the way Clint's dick responded, hardening further, and by the quiet sounds that caught in his throat.

A thought crossed his mind, and Bucky stood up. The fact that Clint immediately stopped moving made him feel... something. It reminded him that, yeah, Clint was masturbating, but this thing still actively involved Bucky. And Bucky let himself be involved, since he ruffled through his nightstand and threw Clint a half bottle of lube. Clint's eyes widened even as he caught the bottle easily. A soldier's reflexes. “You-”

Bucky rolled his eyes.

“I don't have the same libido as you, but I've still got enough experience to know it's better when it doesn't chafe.”

“Right,” Clint replied, scratching the back of his head in an embarrassed gesture. The combination of that and his erection sticking out made him look completely ridiculous, but Bucky only smiled in endearment.

He settled back at the foot of the bed, crosses his legs and make a vague gesture with his hand.

“As you were,” he said with a smirk.

Clint stared, mouth agape. “You...” He chuckled. “You are such an asshole.”

Bucky didn't deny it, but he also noticed that Clint wasn't too bothered, pouring lube into his right hand and carefully warming it up. He looked slightly uncertain again, slowly touching his own dick. Bucky didn't say anything, but he watched. That's what Clint had asked for. That he watch.

Clint worried his lower lip and hummed in his throat as he worked up a rhythm again, and Bucky watched.

He liked Clint's hands, the calluses on his fingers, the various scars from knife fights and careless handling of arrows. He liked them for the stories they told, the one that had been erased from his own fingertips by serum and metal. It was something he kept to himself, unlike Clint who took great pleasure in telling Bucky how hot he looked and which pants he should keep wearing because they framed his thighs just right. Bucky didn't look at Clint's hands like Clint sometimes did his, with a far-away intensity in his eyes and his mouth just the slighest bit open. But that was okay.

Clint didn't look at him like he wanted to be what made Bucky happy, his everything, his forever, with a yearning to share as much of the other's life as he could. But Bucky...

Bucky looked up into Clint's eyes, scared of everything his own could say, but it felt like the other man could hardly see him, too caught up in the movement of his own hand and the sensations that ran through his body. It didn't make Bucky feel alone, though. Quite the opposite. Clint was including him in a moment that could so easily have been private and it was thrilling, it made Bucky feel powerful and wanting. Bucky could have touched, Clint probably would have liked him to touch him, and Bucky felt his arms strain towards the other man, but stayed still. This made the moment feel purer, safer, better somehow, and Bucky didn't get it, not really, but then again, there were so many things he didn't get about Clint and his relationship, this was just one more thing on the list.

Another fragile compromise, another precarious equilibrium, just like everything that had followed that fateful “Can I kiss you?” during a conversation that had felt half like a fight and also like the most comfortable Bucky had been in years, because Clint hadn't been scared of him and he hadn't been careful, and he had asked to kiss him and Bucky had said yes.

And barely seconds after their lips had touched, Clint had said “Okay, this doesn't have to go anywhere, but in case it goes anywhere, we need to set boundaries,” and Bucky had thought “I think I might love you.”

These days, he tried his best not to say it aloud, but he thought Clint still understood it sometimes, like right now when Bucky had finally reached out and kissed Clint one more, and the other man's hip had thrust up twice before he came, one hand grappling at Bucky's shoulder and gripping his shirt. He was panting into Bucky's mouth, eyes wide and a little scared, and Bucky kissed him again until Clint whined, louder than any sound he'd made as he orgasmed, and Bucky couldn't help but be selfishly pleased by that.

He felt warm and relaxed. For once, the arousal coiled in his gut didn't feel uncomfortable, there was no pressure for it to go anywhere.

He pulled away, and watched as Clint carefully got his breathing back to normal. “Thanks,” the blond said, a slightly pathetic attempt at filling the silence between them.

“You're welcome,” Bucky replied, too quiet and not snarky enough, but they both smile and pretended not to know what had been said behind the word. They didn't destroy the balance.

Clint looked at his hand and made a face, and Bucky pushed him out of bed with a laugh, telling him to clean up. He chucked off his own shirt, which was stained by Clint's come and oh, what a strange thought that was. And then he settled into bed.

He was pretty sure Clint would join him, tonight, though he didn't always. If he was lucky, they'd have breakfast the next day. He didn't expect to see much of Clint for the rest of the day after that though, but that was okay.

It was an equilibrium.

#AggressivelyArospecWeek #Meeni writes fics #Winterhawk #Clint Barton #Bucky Barnes

[bubble-tae]

BTS as Boyfriends

Namjoon

• Really just enjoys your company 

• Being in the same room but doing two different things like folding laundry or reading, as long as you’re there 

• No conversation is a stupid conversation 

• Even the light ones hold a lot of value 

• Has a lot of weird theories about people and the world 

• Listening to him is fine, but being able to keep up an intellectual report is preferred 

• On the flip side he’s such a goofball 

• Gets confused about simple things like how to open the lock on the front door 

• Spends a lot of time showing you cute baby animal videos 

• Talks about the future often 

• Marriage/kids/growing old/etc 

• Always obsessed with some new quirky phone game

• If it’s multiplayer he will make you download it too 

• Date nights are always just at home 

• Why go out when you can stay in and play board games? 

• I imagine you both reading in bed at night and talking about if the book sucked or not 

• Intimacy is a private thing 

• No PDA whatsoever, maybe hand holding but that’s it 

• Your family/friends love him more than you, oops 

Seokjin

• Y’all know the crackheadery that’s going to go on 

• Tries to pull pranks but is bad at them 

• Hypes you up as much as he hypes himself up 

• “Waaaah look at this beautiful couple standing in the mirror, so stunning” 

• Very good at turning your sour mood into a good one 

• He’ll listen to your problems, helps you solve them, and then acts like an idiot until you feel better 

• He’s everyone’s best friend so social situations with him are a breeze 

• Likes double dates 

• Sunday’s are lazy days but boy does he clean up nice for Friday night holy shit 

• It’s all about food all the time. The journey is food. The destination is food. 

• I’m serious if there’s no food at a party y’all are leaving 

• Has a mega sweet side

• LOVES BEING LITTLE SPOON HES NOT ASHAMED 

• Wakes you up with tickles and coffee/tea

• Somehow your pantry always has new bottles of wines in them???? 

• If you drink he wants to try a new one almost every night 

• But is super picky, will dump half the bottle down the drain 

• At the end of the day you’re each other’s number ones 

Yoongi

• Soft baby 

• Not super vocal about affection, more physical 

• Playing with your hands, the sleeves of your sweater, etc 

• Looks of affirmation 

• You’ll be in a room of a group of friends and you’ll catch his gaze and give you a sweet smile 

• Spoil you but in a nonchalant way 

• Give you expensive jewelry without batting an eye 

• But will get embarrassed giving you a small sentimental gift 

• Sharing sweat pants, hoodies, beanies, and everything else that’s big n cozy 

• Will blush when he says he loves you 

• Which won’t be super often but really random, though he means it so fucking much 

• Please give him cheek kisses, it’s his weakness 

• Following asleep with his head on your lap is how he likes to spend his afternoons 

• He’ll send you little beats he’s made just cause 

• Will smile while watching you do something and then pretend he wasn’t when you turn to look at him 

• 100% will compliment your mind more than your physical appearance but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like the way you look 

• Overall just a quiet boy full of love

Hoseok

• Y’all never stop talking 

• Like living together is a nightmare cause you talk all night 

• He’s hyper with most but is super gentle with you 

• Like loud and bubbly in public but whispers cute things in your ear 

• Will always come home from any store with things for you 

• Like he’ll go out for eggs and come back with 10 of your favorite sweets 

• Plays music REALLY LOUD 

• Wants you to dance with him so he can spin you around the room 

• A new album will drop from his favorite artist and he plays it at home and in the car and on his speakers and everywhere he can until you’re sick of it 

• Wants to adopt every puppy he sees 

• You’ll have to drag him out of the pet store 

• Online shopping for clothes 

• There are always packages showing up at the door, you think he has a problem 

• But there’s stuff in there for you too so you don’t complain 

• Tries to be romantic but doesn’t really get it ? 

• Like lighting lots of lavender candles but almost burns the house down 

Jimin

• TOUCHY 

• omg he wants physical contact all the time 

• Kissing your hands, cheeks, shoulders, any part of your exposed skin honestly 

• Will always want his hair played with 

• Like will let you do dumb little braids and ponytails or whatever you want for fun 

• Wants to take you out all the time for dinners and dates 

• You’ll probably start watching a bunch of series together but never finish any of them

• Brutally honest 

• If he thinks an outfit doesn’t look good he won’t sugar coat it 

• Ultimate hype man though when you’re rockin’ it 

• Like mini fashion shows at the store the employees get so sick of you 

• Spoils you with jewelry 

• There’s no need to have all these diamond bracelets but he can’t help himself 

• You’ll go on and on about something you really enjoy and even if he doesn’t get it he’ll listen 

• If someone says anything bad about you he will sass them, no fists just harsh words lmao 

• Jealous type so please give him lots of attention

Taehyung 

• Words of affirmation 

• Calls you cute no matter what you’re doing 

• You could have the worst cold and he’d say your mucus-sneeze was adorable 

• Weekend walks at the park

• ^Stopping to take a picture with every lizard/frog/insect you two see 

• Going out for coffee but steals yours cause he likes it more 

• Begs you to stay up to watch the stars 

• Falls asleep before they even come out

• Whines about it the next day until you kiss it better 

• Tries to cook for you but is so bad at it

• But you’ll eat his burnt steak cause you love him for trying 

• I feel like he leaves sticky notes everywhere of just doodles??? They don’t even say anything he just gets bored 

• Will laugh at your cheesy jokes 

• Doesn’t know what to do when you’re mad like he just goes full baby mode 

• When he’s upset he gets all pouty and just wants to be held 

• ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT MUSEUM DATES 

• Deep talks about art and the universe that you won’t remember the next day 

• Maybe I’m hyper biased but just a good ole boy 

Jungkook

• meme king 

• Sends you everything he thinks is funny 

• If you aren’t following his Twitter is it even love 

• Anime watch parties 

• Will make you dress up as dorky characters for Halloween 

• Forgetful 

• Like “oh shit it’s our anniversary??” But will make it up to you the next day

• He’s such a classic romantic 

• Flowers and chocolate and heart shaped lockets 

• The lockets are matching, of course 

• Wants a secret couple tattoo 

• Will cry during romantic movies 

• Insistent on doing everything because he’s always babied and wants to be able to baby someone 

• Gets absorbed into trying to learn a new skill so often that you can barely keep up 

• Last week it was the cinematic history of horror and this week it’s managing stocks for beginners??? 

• Honestly loves it when you watch him play video games 

• Will love it more if you get frustrated with how bad he is and take the controller/keyboard from him to show him how it’s done 

• Doesn’t have to be older than him but loves strong/powerful women 

#bts as boyfriends #bts reactions #bts as #jungkook x reader #bts x reader #taehyung reaction #jungkook reaction #jimin reaction #hoseok reaction #namjoon reaction #yoongi reaction #seokjin reaction #taehyung x reader #jimin x reader #hoseok x reader #namjoon x reader #yoongi x reader #seokjin x reader

[limeinaltime]

The Limeverse is basically a timeline that split off from Homestuck so while everyone’s trapped in canonically dubious hell, the canon characters in the Limeverse are vibing and living their best lives while Lilith and Lyerre Neon Genesis Evangelion their way to the top of the eldritch heirarchy so it can stay that way. I am open to suggestions, but here’s what I have in my head so far:

- June becomes a stand-up comedian, but sticks to small shows instead of going big

- Rose’s main work involves grub adoption and the healtcare of the Mother Grub, but she also ends up making a few novels in the future

- Dave ends up working for the defense force Earth C set up during the absence of the gods and the uprising of eldritch horrors from the void, and mainly works as a trainer for the rookies. Dude’s kind of awkward with them, but is very encouraging and understanding. Also he makes SBAHJ a youtube animated series or something in his spare time SBAHJ cinematic universe real

- Jade works in nuclear physics, but also has her own garden/flower shop that she runs with Davepetasprite. They built their home in the field that borders the city and live a nice life. Since she’s the second most powerful being on Earth C, Jade and Lilith work together sometimes, mainly in the evacutaion of citizens in case of an emergency, as well as damage control.

- Jane basically tears Corckercorp to the ground and makes her own baking business alongside the Nanasprites, her dad and Jasperose. It’s a hit, and she learns to make the healing cookies and sells them to hospitals. Make a living, save some lives :D While she says she’s not focusing on romance atm, there’s definitely something forming between her and Jasperosesprite ;)

- I don’t have any ideas for Roxy, but she’s happy with where she is and still stays in touch with her friends

- Dirk is a mechanic, but also collabs with Dave on SBAHJ

- IDK what Jake would do for a living yet, but it would involve traveling Earth C and rediscovering the old world

- Aradia becomes an archeologist and helps recover stuff from the Old Earth alongside Jake. Since she no longer has to worry about her short lifespan (with the defeat of the Condesce, the age effects of the caste system vanished with the new generation of trolls, and she’s immortal so yeah) I feel like she’d end up teaching a college course on anthropology in the far future and when her students ask if she was really there as a joke she just does that signature Aradia smile and continues with the lecture.

- Tavros breaks off from the friend group to do his own thing and gets a job as a zookeeper. He’s still better with animals than he is with people, but he’s a lot more confident and happier than he was before. He probably looks the most like his ancestor.

- Sollux was an IT worker before Lilith came to Earth C, hated it, worked at Starbucks for a bit, got called up by Karkat and became a pilot. He’s the “youngest” of the goldbloods (minus the 5000-year time skip) but the best flier and had an easy time passing the entrance exam. He and Karkat are still good friends/rivals, and pretty much everyone in the entire force knows he’s got it bad for their eldritch ally. Everyone in the force is a Solith shipper lol.

-Lyerre is a pole dance instructor, but also works as a stand-in guardian while Lilith’s off doing DF work. He usually teams up with Horrorterror and can kick ass just as well as Lilith can. He also takes on gigs as resturants and bars as a singer, but Lilith usually tags along to keep his siren powers from getting too out of control.

- Commander Karkat is canon in this AU, and he’s one of the main heads of the defense force. He’s long given up on trying to be like his ancestor, and instead leads in his own snappy but well-meaning way. He works with Lilith a lot to help keep the citizens safe when she has to toss a giant monster into the stratosphere, and she trained him to fight on the side. Yeah, he can try to come off as cool and tough (dude hit one hell of a growth spurt during his adult molt and still lords it over his friends) but everyone knows that he’s a total softy deep down thanks to Dave.

- Nepeta also joins the defense force and is one of their best fighters. She and Equius are roommates and he frets constantly when she goes off on business trips and stuff. She has a huge celebrity crush on Lilith.

- Kanaya works with the Mother Grub, but also makes clothes as a side job. She’s gotten offers from companies, but so far has turned them all down. She doesn’t work with the defense force, but Karkat will call her up if the threat is small enough in size for her to handle. When they first met her, his squad mates thought she was his mom.

- Terezi went to law school and pretty much turned the entire justice system on its’ head overnight. She is Earth C’s most insightful, un-biased, cutthroat, take-no-shit judge, and every defense attorney and lawyer trembles in her presence because no amount of defense is getting your child murderer client out of this one Jimmy don’t even try her. They say she can smell a lie from a mile away, and they are 100% right.

- Vriska also joins the defense force and is possibly the scariest soldier they have. She mostly deals with normal threats and is head of her squadron, but also helps with planning and strategizing. She has a one-sided rivalry with Lilith, who keeps unintentionally one-upping her by putting yet another giant monster in a chokehold. Oops.

- Equius works with Dirk at the mech shop. He’s learned to better control his strength, and lets off steam by going to the gym and working out. There’s a specific section built exclusively for indigobloods since they’re naturally stronger than the average troll, so he goes there and has made some new friends. Nepeta tags along a lot and is happy that her moirail is branching out socially.

- Following the removal of LE and Apofis from his mind and going into rehab for the effects of the sopor (new planet, new medical practices ye), Gamzee kind of drifted around for a bit before tagging along with Tavros. He’s still figuring himself out, but he’s doing much better with the help of Tavros and occasional check-ins with Lilith to make sure LE and Apofis are gone for good. He also works at the zoo atm.

- Eridan “begrudgingly” joined the defense force and got a job in the maritime squadron. He’s their main navigator and is usually the one to plot out courses for patrols and go along on marine-based missions.

- Since she’s no longer obligated to become Empress, Feferi’s been able to branch out and ends up getting a job at the aquarium. She takes care of the animals and secretly uses her healing powers to patch them up if they get scratched or bump into things. She gets really emotional when she has to release the ones she takes care of back into the wild but has learned that sometimes it’s for the best. She helped Aradia find some stuff from a submerged section of what used to be New York and they’ve been close ever since.

-Lilith’s job is basically get beat up and keep everyone from dying. Luckily, the eldritch entities pay her well.

Everyone gets therapy

#homestuck #limestuck #lore bitties

[sheriffofmagic]

So you’ve gotten into Polygon.... now what?

This is basically a master post of recommendations for people who are new to Polygon fandom/not deep in the polygon lore and are looking for some recommendations/direction. 

Things I assume you’ve already seen but if you haven’t you should check out: Unraveled, Monster Factory, Overboard

Personal Faves:

Gill and Gilbert - A series in which Pat and Brian do weekly challenges while they play video games badly

Peacecraft - Griffin plays a pacifist run in World of Warcraft. No spoilers but it has a super satisfying conclusion and very good goofs.

Please Retweet - Pat desperately tries to get Nintendo to retweet a very good picture of toad that he made (Warning: if you’re looking to avoid N*ck maybe skip this one as he’s in a few episodes)

Video Game Theatre - The Polygon video team acts out iconic video game scenes.

Griffin’s Amiibo Corner - Griffin reviews Nintendo Amiibo’s based on the most important factor: can you vore it?

Jackbox - Ensemble series where a rotating group of Polygon people play Jackbox games and give us Good Content.

Series Recs/Underappreciated Gems:

Law Abiding Citizen - VASTLY underappreciated. Russ is a normal video game citizen trying to go about his life and Justin is the devil on his shoulder telling him “Aren’t you tired of being nice? Don’t you ever wanna go apeshit?”

Game Ogre - Simone and Pat have been cursed and now have to play video games using one hand each on the same controller. It’s chaos.

Filmbreakers - Brian and Simone fuck around in VR to create a cinematic masterpiece.

Yellface - Jeff and Simone play horror games and see how long Simone can go without causing Jeff physical harm.

FiendZone - Jenna uses her Knowledge to educate us about horror tropes in gaming. A good place for anyone who wants to appreciate Jenna. (these videos aren’t in a playlist and are hard to search for :/)

Brand Slam - Pat makes brands fight to the death in a symbolic destruction of capitalism

Individual Vids not part of a larger series:

American Truck Simulator - Griffin and Justin fuck around. I can’t describe it better than that.

Pat’s Pets - Pat ranks animals in games on how good they are.

Polygon Investigates: Lootboxes - Probably one of my favorite stand-alone vids. I can’t adequately explain it. It’s an Experience.

Spy Party - Griffin and Justin Fuck around

Simone’s 2017 Games of the Year - This video isn’t inherently funny or anything but it is the video I found out she was Not Straight from so it’s special to me okay?

Which Super Smash Bros character is Your State? - idk it’s a mess and it’s wonderful

Pat Fixes Anthem - He has a few vids like this that aren’t in a playlist but are worth your time (I’ll post links to others if requested)

Good Shit Ruined by the Presence of a Slime Human:

imo a lot of these are still worth a view but I understand people wanting to avoid videos with N*ck

Touch the Skyrim - Car Boys - First Half of Awful Squad - Griffin’s Infamous Cronch

Streams Worth Your Time:

Awful Squad - the Gang playing PUBG with limited success

Brian Plays Half-Life for the First Time - pretty self-explanatory

The Baseball Game - Pat and Allegra rank video game intros. It’s good content

E3 2019 Streams - tbh i think all the e3 streams from any year are worth your time but in the 2019 ones Brian commits crimes against nature on his body (food crimes) 

Smash Party - A bunch of different people play Smash Bros. It’s a good time.

I tried to be comprehensive here but I probably forgot a few and I haven’t personally seen everything I’m sure in a couple of months there’ll be more (new and old) that I’ll see that belongs on this list. 

Hopefully, this is a good start!

#holy shit this took way longer than i thought #im sorry if i missed your favorite vid or series but i havent seen everything yet so feel free to yell at me on anon about it lol #polygon #im gonna tag a bucnh of stuff #simone de rochefort #patrick gill #pat gill #bdg #brian david gilbert #gill and gilbert #unraveled #monster factory #mcelroy #jenna stoeber #allegra frank #also if you want polygon-adjacent content i've got a limited supply of content made by polygon peeps OUTSIDE of polygon

[bubbyleh]

I See La Vie en Rose - Chapter 12

cw: discussions of past character death (little detail) and a kidnapping (one sentence devoted)

Chapter 12: You Weren’t Doing Anything, Anyway

Star Trek: The Original Series only lasted them a few months of binging. Over time, their little movie gang grew (Bubby was especially interested in the prospect of a show about space travel), until eventually Darnold found himself regularly hosting the majority of a pantheon in his living room. Apparently, only really getting into media these past three years (and even then, only children’s movies because of Joshua) means that you miss a lot of the classics, and Darnold is happy to provide.

But, well, Darnold’s not sure All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 is a classic. But they watched the original last week, and Benrey was very excited about a sequel. Though it’s kind of weird they’re watching an animated film meant for kids when Joshua isn’t around. Sunkist is on babysitting duty, and even knowing her, Darnold’s not sure you should leave that job to a dog.

Tommy is sitting in the middle of the couch, and Darnold’s leaning against him, somewhat tired. Bubby is on Tommy’s other side, with Coomer sitting on the floor by his feet. Gordon and Benrey are also on the floor, holding hands. They don’t get very far into the movie before it’s completely forgotten about.

“Huh, memories,” Gordon remarks offhandedly as Charlie Sheen dog shows his friend Itchy around heaven.

Darnold, who turned his brain off when they chose this movie, takes a few seconds to process that. “What do you mean ‘memories’?”

Gordon laughs, more awkward than funny. “Oh, uh. Just reminds me of when I ascended. Getting shown around and all.”

“It was- it was exciting!” Tommy chimes in. He subconsciously pulls Darnold a little bit closer. “I was the youngest for three-hundred years! And then- then you were there!”

“The dying is also reminiscent of back then, isn’t it?” Coomer says.

“Yeah,” Gordon winces, bringing a hand to his chest. “That wasn’t much fun.” Benrey shifts next to him.

“Wait, wait,” Darnold interjects, sitting up suddenly. “You’ve died before?”

Bubby startles. “Crap! I keep forgetting you’re here.”

Darnold fights the urge to remind Bubby that they’re in his apartment right now, because that would shift the conversation way too much.

“Yes, Gordon has died before,” Coomer explains. “In fact, so have my dear Bubby and I! It’s how we all reached godhood in the first place.”

“Geez, have a bit more tact?” Gordon requests, Benrey silently nestling into his shoulder.

Coomer appears sheepish. “My apologies, Gordon. It’s simply been so long since we’ve had someone to explain things to. You force us to filter ourselves around Joshua!”

“Yeah, because you’re gonna tell him I died! The kid is three, he doesn’t need to know that!” Gordon gestures to the TV. “Can we please just watch the movie?”

Benrey nods. “You might, uh. Die in this one, too. Gotta make sure, keep an eye on it.”

“The movie? All Dogs Go to Heaven 2?” Gordon asks, and though he sounds somewhat offended, he still chuckles.

“Mhmm,” Benrey says, mostly into Gordon’s shoulder. Fuck, they’re overly affectionate, but Darnold isn’t really in a position to judge considering he was just two seconds away from falling asleep against Tommy.

“But that- that happens?” Darnold asks. “Like, people die, and then they become gods?”

“Well, it happened, past tense,” Bubby clarifies. “It’s just the three of us, and Gordon died centuries ago-”

“Don’t exaggerate, it was two and a half-”

“Ages ago, Gordon!” Bubby cuts back in. “You’re ancient now! Just like the rest of us!”

There’s no way they’re serious, not with the big grins spread across their faces. While the two of them continue to play-argue, Tommy wraps his arms around Darnold and hugs him tightly. And maybe he’s a sucker for Tommy, but Darnold hugs him right back.

“Don’t worry,” Tommy assures him. “I’ve- I’ve never died, and my lifespan is infinite.”

“Alright,” Darnold puts off internalizing that for later. “Actually that, uh… that makes me feel better about you going off to fight those Skeletons, sometimes.”

Darnold doesn’t miss the way Tommy grimaces. “Well…”

Dranold draws himself back. “Tommy no.”

“Skeletons can... permanently kill us,” Tommy admits, not meeting his gaze. “They’re really the- the only thing that can.”

“Okay, fine, great,” Darnold rubs his face with his hands. “Let’s just watch All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 now, please? No more god talk.”

“I agree,” Benrey says from the floor.

Gordon finally looks back at the TV. “Fuck, we’re gonna have to rewind. I have no idea what’s happening.”

If Darnold gets a little more snuggly than usual during the movie, Tommy doesn’t say anything.

☆○☆○☆

“Psst, Darnold. You missed the ending.”

It’s not the words that wake Darnold up, but rather the finger annoyingly poking his face as he rests. He swats Benrey’s hand away from himself before sitting up groggily.

“Aw, Benrey,” Tommy laments, and Darnold notices that he was sleeping with his head in his lap. “You- you woke him up!”

Darnold groans and leans back against Tommy, eying the dark outside his window. “How long was I sleeping?”

“It’s ten.” Tommy places a hand on Darnold’s further shoulder. “The- the movie ended an hour ago, but…”

Faintly, Darnold can hear voices, Bubby and Gordon, having yet another debate in his home, which is fine. They’re in the kitchen, where he’s pretty sure they either have or are in the process of eating all his snacks.

“The dog played the system, he deserves his happy ending!”

“Charlie B. Barkin is a death criminal and will go straight to hell when he dies!”

“The movies are called All Dogs Go to Heaven, Gordon! Not Some Dogs Go to Hell!”

“He was going to hell in the first one, wasn’t he?!”

Benrey shrugs. “They’ve been, uh… talking about it since the movie ended.”

Crack!

“Oh shit.”

“Gordon! You distracted me!”

“I distracted you!?”

“You think I would break our new friend Darnold’s tableware on purpose?”

“No, it’s-!”

Darnold was on his feet the second he heard the breaking ceramic, skidding into his kitchen with Tommy on his heels. Bubby is standing at the sink, his efforts to wash the dishes from movie night halted by him gesturing to the shards of plate on the floor next to him. Gordon and Coomer, meanwhile, are sitting at the table, sharing a bag of chips.

“Aw, crap, are you okay?” Darnold starts to make his way to the broom closet behind Bubby. “Let me-”

“Hold it!” Bubby stops him after just a step. Tommy places a hand in front of him on instinct alone. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you not to walk around broken plates barefoot?” He points at Darnold’s socks.

“I’m wearing socks! And I was going around anyway!” Darnold argues, but Bubby won’t hear it.

He shakes his head solemnly. “There’s no way we’re risking that. You’re just going to have to tell Gordon where the broom is so we can sweep it up.” He grabs a paper towel from the counter, drying off his hands.

“What? Why me!?”

Coomer smiles. “You’re partially responsible, Gordon!”

Darnold points at the closet behind Bubby. “In there. There’s a broompan, too.”

Gordon grumbles as he retrieves the cleaning supplies from the closet. At that moment, Benrey finally pokes his head into the kitchen.

“Oh yo, Gordon. Why’d you break that plate?”

“BENREY!”

☆○☆○☆

They all sit around the kitchen and chat for a few minutes, the topic of morality in the

All Dogs Go to Heaven

cinematic universe thankfully shelved for another time. Darnold even joins in the snacking, though only a few chips. The conversation is nice, at least until it abruptly ends when Gordon notices the time.

“Fuck, I don’t wanna pay Sunkist overtime,” he sighs. “It was nice seeing you, Darnold. Later.” With a wave, Gordon disappears.

Benrey blinks for a few seconds. “Peace,” he finally says, before following suit.

“We really should be letting you head to bed,” Coomer realizes, and Darnold lets him think he has a normal sleep schedule.

“Get more of those chips,” Bubby orders him. Darnold knows him well enough at this point to know that means he had fun. Coomer and Bubby disappear together, leaving Darnold and Tommy alone in the apartment, leaning on the kitchen counter.

“They’re- they’re not too much, are they?” Tommy rests his head against Darnold’s.

“Tommy, your family is wonderful,” Darnold grins. “I like them.”

“G-good,” Tommy stands, walking a few steps forward. “They like you, too. They won’t stop talking about- about you.”

“You’re not staying the night?”

Tommy shakes his head. “I got- I got a lot of work to do. And I should check on Sunkist…” Darnold feels that surge of love again, the look in Tommy’s eyes when their gazes meet. “But we’re still good for Thursday, right?”

“Of course.” Darnold’s thoughts are cut off when Tommy kisses him. It’s a goodbye, short and sweet. They know there will be time for something more grand in the future.

“I’ll- I’ll see you then,” Tommy says, and then he’s gone.

Darnold stares at the empty space where Tommy had once stood, lovestruck.

☆○☆○☆

It’s one AM. It’s technically Monday now, and Darnold can’t get to sleep. He gave up on white noise from his phone an hour ago, for goodness sake. At this rate, nothing’s gonna knock him out, is it?

…

Fuck it, if he’s up, he’s up. Darnold wants Powerade.

Which is why, after wincing at the glow from his refrigerator light, Darnold is horrified to see he’s out of Powerade. In fact, thinking back on it, he’s pretty sure he saw Benrey chewing on a bottle while everyone was over.

Okay. Fine. Darnold can work with this. Just throw on a jacket, some pants, and shoes and walk to 7/11. It’s like a block away, and they sell Powerade.

So that’s what Darnold does. The cashier is too tired to care about the fact that Darnold looks like he rolled out of bed, which is a win. Can’t a man drink his one AM Mountain Berry Blast Powerade in peace?

The answer is yes. Darnold takes a sip, pulling out his phone. Might as well check social media on the way home, right? Who knows, maybe there’s some fun celebrity drama happening, or something.

He doesn’t notice the boney hand until it’s already grabbed him.

#hlvrai #half life vr but the ai is self aware #my writing #sodashipping #tommy coolatta #darnold #i see la vie en rose #gods au #past character death cw #kidnapping cw #hlvrai gods au

[vaguely-concerned]

The Untamed Liveblog

Yes hello I watched the whole thing and wrote down some of my thoughts and feelings along the way so I wouldn’t fuckign EXPLODE! Only look under the cut if you’re prepared for a truly outrageous amount of rambling (...no really)  

- I am elated to find that so far every adaptation I’ve seen has faithfully preserved the absolutely bizarre structure of the original book, I am appreciating the dedication haha

- the actor lends this version of lan wangji such an edge of youth and vulnerability right from the beginning, it breaks my heart. I don’t care how good he is with a sword, you can’t expose this pure sweet boy to the horrors of war!!! 

- I am so glad I already know who all these characters are and wtf is going on, I can’t imagine watching this first time without that knowledge lol 

- I love how they’ve made nie huaisang look so small and soft next to all the other cultivator, he looks like a floofy and eternally confused baby birb ;______;

- nhs citing the goldfinch as the reason he doesn’t want to die (presumably because no one will know to take care of it) TOT ur meant to be comic relief in this part of the story buddy you can’t make me cry like this yet!!!

(also the actor for wwx effortlessly sliding into being protective and reassuring and Good in a crisis. wonderful!)

- the actor for xue yang has chosen to go with the sexy baby school of evil acting normally associated with female villains and for that I can only applaud him

also setting up characters who are going to be important later on is something this show is doing better than the original haha, both the extra wen quing & ning and song lan & xiao xingcheng content is appreciated. (especially the latter suffered from ‘oh yeah those two -- actually wait who the fuck are these two again’ syndrome for me when I read the book. additional note: I am very sorry but clearly they are gay there’s no other explanation here)  

- poor jiang cheng, they really haven’t given him much help in this huh. I would sort of have preferred it if they let him be ever so slightly less abrasive in the beginning, like in the book and the animated version; I’m not feeling quite as devastated over this relationship as I did in either of those.

- lan xichen’s soft knowing smile is a blessing every time. just a nice man. did not deserve this. protect.  

- kudos to the actor for jin guangyao for the instinctive creeping unease I feel whenever he talks, even at this stage. he’s a wrong ‘un sir he’s a wrong ‘un

- y’know both the fact that nhs spent three days catching a bird and kept it with him undetected and that he’s the friend you go to for the good porn and managed to not only smuggle it into the cloud recesses but did so without getting caught... some wonderful subtle foreshadowing here (to make up for the very blatant visual foreshadowing that’s already been given out I assume lol)

- anyway lan ancestor lady and baoshan-sanren? gay. sad and gay. (I love how thoroughly wwx is getting to meet the in-laws btw lol how often do you have to meet your future spouse’s family from like three generations ago and take care of her rabbits for her after she’s gone, all before you even get to second base)

- fkadshfkasjdlhfsdjkfh the sheer consistency of nhs wistfully commenting on all the beautiful men surrounding him fsadfkjsdhfksd I think they might oh so subtly be hinting at some stuff here. HILARIOUS that this version, which has to maintain at least the veneer of some plausible homoerotic deniability, is a lot more overt about it than the book, which is free to be balls to the wall as gay as you please  

- oh no nie mingjue just showed up my entire heart is on fire. BIG BROTHER!! so stern yet fair, so righteous, so worried y______y also can we talk about how his ‘hmmm I think imma stab it?’ approach to evil in general and xue yang in particular would have saved everyone a lot of grief later on? and he tells wwx the whole necromancy thing is probably not a good idea? (I really like how he does it too, he has so much Older Brother Energy it spills over when he talks to other kids around huaisang’s age lol. it’s good that they show his temper isn’t indiscriminate at all, he’s not angry at wwx even though his idea is provably incredibly dangerous) sole ornery voice of reason nie mingjue, also did not deserve what’s about to happen, I cry and my tears are blood  

- ‘yeah okay I get that you’re mad but have you maybe considered... I didn’t do it?’ is an unusually weak opening move from jgy considering nmj literally did just see him absolutely 100% do it

- there should be a WARNING at the beginning of episodes where nmj cries so one could be PREPARED for the emotional devastation!!!!! tollest & stronkest man of the cast also stupidly pretty and heartbreaking while crying, it’s not fair

- I love how every cultivation sect’s home (except for the wens b/c they’re cartoon villains) is refined and beautiful and luxurious, even when it’s in a restrained way like the lans’... and then there’s the nie place which is like ‘please understand that this is a fuckn fortress’

- aww this doomed jiang cheng/wen quing thing is cute! too bad about... everything that’s about to happen happening huh

- oh wen ning.  very hilarious that he’s known as the ~*ghost general*~ forevermore when actually... he is baby... cinnamon roll baby... too good for this world, too pure...

- how is this cgi turtle somehow less egregious than the one in the animated version lol. I quite like this bad little friend! long neck.

- oh NO lan wangji finally letting himself show that he’s in pain when they’re in private... i’m uwu  

this beautiful boy is so long and lanky tho, I must admit he triggers my parental instinct more than the hot boy alert at this stage (but that’s fine I’m not the one who’s going to smooch him that’s wwx’s job lol)

the look of absolute disbelief and despair lwj gives when wwx thinks he’s in love with mianmian... this show is a cinematic masterpiece and I will hear no other opinion  

- lwj looking at the love of his life completely missing the point: are you a joke to you (the answer is yeah)

- okay we’ve officially hit the point where everything’s about to go to hell for real, pray for me I’m not sure I can handle this again

- jiang fengmian acknowledge your other son who desperately wants your attention and affection challenge (unfinished)

- watching this scene knowing exactly what this promise means to jiang cheng and that wwx is going to break it... this is fINE

why the fuck did I do this to myself I know what’s about to happen when will I learn to quit while I’m ahead lol

- the change in subtext from the novel that EVERYONE sees wangxian coming from day one is so painful from jiang cheng’s side. this poor boy really has abandonment issues pelting him from every direction huh. tfw your idiot genius brother doesn’t even fucking realize he’s basically announcing he’s leaving your clan and your side to get married one day ;______;

- man mxtx is just so GOOD at peppering in the small private tragedies that somehow sting even worse than huge atrocities going on. the fact that madam yu and papa jiang never manage to reconcile and communicate except possibly in death... oof my friends. oooof.

- WAIT WHAT NO DON’T SHOW ME THE CHILDREN WHO’RE ABOUT TO DIE WHAT THE FUCK YOU MONSTERS

- like we’re right at the worst part now and she is an asshole... but damn madam yu’s last stand is epic tho. like a champ to the end

- wen zhuliu’s actor being able to uphold a look of tremendous boredom at all times regardless of what’s going on around him is Poetic Cinema Bitches

- jiang cheng and wei ying are holding hands on the boat... stab me in the heart... end my suffering

- you know what in this version we get to see that madam yu knew her husband came back for her and they died holding hands and not everything’s on fire yet, so far this isn’t quite as harrowing as the animated version. the dead children are fucking me up but the tone of the animated version is like a nightmare, this is less disturbing to me

also can we talk about how madam yu fought them off the whole day and night and her husband gets his ass owned within five minutes 😔 oh papa jiang

- oh okay turns out jiang cheng’s ‘I want my mom and dad’ gets to me in every adaptation good to know

they’re so young they’re bbs I don’t want to be here anymore haha

- wen ning. a sweet angel. just the goodest of boys. his sister raised him so well ;______:

- wen quing is so ethereally beautiful and also looks like she could stop a train with the force of one glance. like she’s my height but her presence is immense

- oh I see we’ve arrived at the tiny adorable flashback bbs part of this journey, let me just... just lie down somewhere huh

- outside of the central romance this is a tale about people who love their brothers very very much and it’s real sad for everyone involved

- me watching nie mingjue kicking down the doors to reclaim his own dang fortress: YEEEEAAAAH GO OFF DAGE!!! i um love him and his very handsome face

- jiang cheng dreaming about his family is EMOTIONAL WARFARE!!! how fucking dare!!!

- y’know what this isn’t a bad way of adapting the burial grounds thing! also pretty cost effective I imagine, gotta think about the budget when so much of it goes into fabulous wigs and robes

- credit where it’s due, the actor for wen chao makes his face do some shit I didn’t know human faces could do and he’s enjoyable to watch in the capacity as your friendly neighbourhood hate sink

- lwj consistently using wwx’s personal name even when talking to total strangers now... mhm this is also fine

- I can’t beliEVE this show is somehow less subtle about the gay stuff than the book, jin zixuan basically just asked lwj if he and wwx were... y’know... I guess cultivation partners would be the way to go here lol. between that and nhs more or less asking them if they were off fucking after the whole cold cave debacle... what a time to be alive even if they’re not going to kiss on-screen  

- huaisang I hate to have to be the one to tell you this but your brother is an entire snacc. and yet I respect him way too much to ever proposition him, I know he is busy winning a war and being Righteous and slowly being driven mad by the ghost in his sword on top of raising his little brother, I’m not here to complicate things for him any further

I love this version of nmj so much though. this sense that he also sees the stuff that is genuinely good in jgy and has a real moment of grief that the dude just can’t seem to get away from his basic insecurity that causes him to do horrific things, even when handed other opportunities... the fact that he seems regretful and worried when asking jin zixuan how jgy is doing with the jin....... everything to do with his little brother...................... oh no he’s Soft in his private life this is awful

- poor lwj’s ‘I have a bad feeling about this’ face in this scene haha, he’s staring at this talisman like ‘I only know one person smart and dumb enough to pull this off’

- can’t wen quing just get one nice thing. one nice thing just for her. hasn’t she been through enough. give her her brother back and a nice quiet place to practice medicine and maybe some soft romance with jiang cheng eventually this show is kind of selling me on this.  

- unexpectedly my favourite part of the revenge scene is just the camera switching back to lwj and jc watching in horrified silence like ‘...O___o dude this is fucked up tho right?? it’s not just me that’s messed up??’

- one is forced to wonder about wen zhuliu tho. this version reads as pretty explicitly depressed/suicidal to me, he’s kind of an interesting villain since his main traits are unquestioning loyalty mixed with unending indifference and also seemingly not too pressing a will to live

- oh nhs desperately trying to keep it together and pretend nothing’s different ;_____; this version is really driving it home that wwx is a lot of people’s only friend -- jiang cheng is mentioned to not have anyone but his sister to play with before he arrived, lwj was raised primarily on books and rules and his brother is ELATED that he has one (1) friend now, from the sheer depth of the attachment I’m willing to bet nhs hasn’t had many real friends in his life either. wwx gives and gives of himself and doesn’t know how to take help in return.    

- foreknowledge is a beautiful thing; if you look at nhs when it’s revealed wwx didn’t bring his sword you can visibly see his brain kicking into overdrive haha. smart boy.

- big sister ;_______; I am an older sibling so I haven’t really had the feeling of having an older sister to look to, I see why it might be comforting now

- oh this is some real uruk-hai shit!! honestly the special effects in this aren’t half as bad as I’d been lead to fear, some of you guys just weren’t forged in the crucible of shitty sci-fi channel cgi at an early age and it shows  

(honestly the weird fight stuff threw me much worse in nirvana in fire, because that series has such intricate, credible and realistic political world building and then people are flying all over the place through wire fu and it is so disorienting haha)

- oh nhs looking up at his brother like a puppy during the war council T______T baby bird boy

(between this point in the main story and fatal journey it’s very interesting how clearly nhs needs the emotional stability and safety of his brother -- who also seems to be his parental figure -- to function properly, even in his late teens. it looks like he needed more time to grow up than the rest of them even before they were all thrown into this awful bullshit. well he does have a lot of murderkitten brain to grow I guess that’s fair enough lol. wwx has some of the same thing with his sister too)

- whenever lxc and nmj look at each other it feels like the only two adults in the room meeting each other’s eyes like ‘...oh dear’

- aww lwj getting some advice from his brother. this poor kid really hasn’t been raised to handle the moral complexity of the real world huh, good thing lxc is here to lend some nuance to lan qiren’s unforgiving dogma

- oh lan zhan

- nmj’s plan to just idk somehow go in alone and fight the wen overlord mano a mano to avoid any more casualties... a spine made of steel, a heart made of gold, a head made of wood :’) truly a perfect man, good thing his brother got the brains in that family and he has some more sensible people around him

- in the face of inevitability I plead... jiang yanli... please don’t marry this asshole your son is going to be predictably insufferable

wwx has suffered through so much the last four months or so and yet his real breaking point is seeing his sister cry and can I just say -- relatable content

- NO! NO STOP HURTING HIM HE’S JUST GOOD AND HANDSOME AND DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

(could be applied to like 98% of these characters but in this case it’s nmj b/c I love him)

I do find it very funny and oddly comforting that nmj is literally so fuckn mad that it takes three times as many attacks for the evil sorcery stuff to take him down than we’ve seen used on anyone else fsdkfhasdkj too angry to die  

wHY has my brain chosen for me to attach so deeply to perhaps The single most inevitably doomed person in this entire cast, at this point I’m just being cruel to myself lol

- I can’t describe how much I love the fanficiness of this story, in the best ways. the emotional fallout from the destruction of the lotus pier gets more screentime and attention than the entire sunshot campaign, and that’s exactly how I want it to be.  

- they’ve been doing some great work to establish that the jin are also jeeeeeerks for such a long time, how’s that for foreshadowing

- equal opportunity traitor jgy gets his stab in lol one must respect the grift, though, he’s set himself up pretty darn good

*lxc stops nmj from killing jgy, hello darkness my old friend starts playing in the background*

fatal journey builds nicely on this fundamental thing that the nie boys take their responsibility to their people extremely seriously, it seems to be the fact that jgy so blithely talks about them as necessary casualties that really sets him off

- adlfsdfhsdkjh lxc and nmj meekly being like ‘...we could maybe... not commit war crimes? if that’s at all possible? no?’

*slaps ‘I don’t think you even tried at all’ stars on both of them* (I mean I actually do kind of see where they’re coming from a bit, they just came out of a pretty costly war and I wouldn’t feel too comfortable getting right back into it with arguably the wealthiest faction, who’s also been keeping back a bit and thus kept a lot more reserves. well played jin bastards well played)

- I could stop here. if I stopped here everything would basically be as okay as they could be and the world full of hope still. I suppose the question here is... do I love myself enough to quit while the going is good. and the answer is no I already started the next episode

- I think one incredibly endearing aspect of this version of nmj is that he has a look of faint but permanent worry about him. he walked onto the screen with a vibe of ‘...oh boy I don’t like where this is going’ and he’s just kept going ever since

in the book he’s kind of a flat character (whose one trait is Mad), I love that they’ve given him some depth and nuance here! probably partly down to the actor doing a great job, but this version has a real sort of warmth to him and also seems downright uncertain at times -- he thrives when there’s a clear goal and black and white sides, and is probably not  t h r i l l e d with the weird tentative political situation after they take down the wens lol. thank god he has his little brother to make ‘bitch please’ faces over his shoulder when the jin get weird about things

anyway I’m always on the ‘nhs you are SO valid’ train, but in this version nhs is quadruple valid, in fact only mianmian is more valid in this entire world

- one of my favourite parts of this show is when wwx enters a situation and the camera takes some time to zoom in on the faces of his family and friends to convey their sense of ‘oh god what the fuck is he about to say now’ dread    

- jiang yanli asking her little brother if he doesn’t want to stay with them anymore while crying is emotional kryptonite, help

this poor woman, she had to put all her points into emotional intelligence b/c god knows no one else in this family did

- hell YEAH lan zhan go break some rules!! treat yourself my guy

- hey sis if, theoretically, one hypothetically found oneself in -- for the sake of argument -- love with, as the case may or may not be, someone... how would one tell?? asking for a friend

- the whole summary of this fucking show is just ‘weaponized sibling feels’ everything hurts with foreknowledge why did I keep going

- aw no blindfolded kiss scene but here’s a scene with real earnest emotional intimacy stuff going on instead... I will joyfully take it your honor

- I do value and respect the translators giving us these subtitles so much... but they did also force me to read the words ‘bosom friend’ with my own two eyes right there and that was not very cool of them

- why oh WHY must jiang yanli, best person in the world, have been cursed with the horrible fate of being in love with the dumbest man on the planet

*jiang yanli juggling all the idiot men in her life* oh god my little brother is causing an international diplomatic incident again time to bUCKLE UP

oh ho ho you know shit is getting real when big sister gets mad I LOVE HER. suddenly you see she definitely her mother’s daughter after all lol

wwx crying because his sister just fiercely defended him in public... im uwu

- I hate jgy with all my heart but I do feel bad for him too. his barely faltering :) look while all his asshole relatives gang up on him sdfhskahf

- again the jin are dicks but when it comes to aesthetics they do go off, that’s such a beautiful shade of blue

- dsflhsdakjlfhsdakjfl sd this shot of lwj and nmj right before lxc drinks is the funniest framing imaginable b/c lwj is wearing a look of complete stonefaced

-___________-

and meanwhile nmj, who presumably has seen lxc drunk before since they’re longstanding bros, looks worried as fUCK

- awwwww I do love nhs capitalizing all of jc’s attention so the others won’t start shit with him/so he won’t get to say something publicly he’ll regret later because he’s (understandably honestly) mad at his brother for making his life even more difficult than it has to be (I have every sympathy with wwx but buddy... buddy must you make everything more complicated for your bro every darn time this is a real delicate political situation and he’s not suited for that even without your antics)

it’s a very nhs move because he comes across as slightly boorish and rude and thus leaves jc blameless and thus protected, you can get so far if you have no self respect lol  

- showing us exactly how wen ning died is honestly a little too mean this is not fun

- good god this poor grandma has been through the wringer hasn’t she

- oh. oh wen ning, who never meant hurt anyone in his entire life :(

- listen okay the end is in sight just a couple more horrific tragedies to get through and then it’s the weird romantic comedy buddy cop antics of the current day timeline to ride to the end

- it cannot be overemphasized how much this lan zhan is Baby, I so desperately want to help and protect him

- I’m going to stop shouting out individual actors on this show they’re all goddamn brilliant haha (but am I tho)

- most valid person in the cultivation world mianmian

also enjoying the exemplification of nmj’s character that is ‘not sure how I feel about this dumb kid with the big mouth digging his own grave ever deeper but that girl’s got guts and I respect that’

- wen quing is getting a taste of the dangers and pitfalls of having wwx as a little brother dfhskdalfhsdaklj she and jyl should compare notes (he’s so good tho T-----T)

- how does wwx’s actor have such natural dad energy at such a young age, too powerful

- people give so little thought to how fucked up jc’s situation really is here, like he’s just being an asshole for the sake of it. spend three fucking seconds looking at it with some realpolitik in mind and realize that the clans around him have just shown that they can and will wipe out an enemy clan together if need be, and that his own sect hasn’t even gotten back on its feet after the war that almost wiped it out. like wwx is unquestionably morally right but has gone about it in such a way that it’s real fucking hard to support him without going down with him and how do you calculate that risk when you’re responsible for so many more lives than your own

also so sad about jc being so afraid this entire time that wwx would leave him like everyone else... and now he has :( jc doesn’t handle it well but then who would at this stage

- there is something so pure about a quietly horrified lan zhan getting Dad Advice from these guys (well he’s going to be needing it soon enough so)

oh the utter softness of his face looking at wwx and ah yuan ;_______; thank god, some fluff to bolster my heart before we set off into the last harrowing ordeal here

LAN ZHAN’S ENTIRE FACE LIGHTING UP AT WEI YING ASKING HIM OUT thank fuck there’s still some joy left in the universe

this poor love struck man, someone help him  

lan zhan conscientiously grabbing ah yuan’s toys is fskhdfksjdlfhskjdhf

- lan zhan looking around the demon subduing cave: babe I love you more than life itself but this is tacky as hell

- crying because wen niiiiiing

- crying because sibliiiiiings

okay this is the last time the three of them will be together and nominally happy, need to appreciate it through my tears

- actually I take it back please just let the bad thing happen now so I don’t have to live in suspense anymore lol (...this probably says a lot more about me as a person than I’m strictly comfortable with)

- the fact that none of wwx’s little adopted wen family are AT ALL intimidated by him anymore is just... it’s too much to bear

again tho this book/show is so willing to let you dwell in the emotional stages of things in a very fanfic sort of way, I think it’s what makes the sad parts so much worse (and makes you feel so incredibly attached to these characters)

- I gUESS it’s a testament to jin zixuan’s character that he has any decency at all, considering who his dad is and where he was raised

I’m cracking up at their dad being the one who still doesn’t trust jgy tho lol snake recognizes snake

- jgy’s faint look of ‘are you fucking kIdDiNg me rn’ whenever all these jin douchebags talk is very entertaining. if he didn’t go on to do all that murder and incest and (probably) infanticide I’d sort of cheer for him no matter what kind of sociopath he is

- not to be a downer or anything but isn’t one month a little premature to be celebrating the survival of a baby in fantasy old timey china tho

sometimes I feel like looking back at history is just seeing a whole lot of dead children (and this is why I think that even if god did exist it would be morally inconceivable to worship him! sorry just a quick detour into my personal grudge against the inherent cruelty of the world there, let’s move on)

- it’s uncomfortable to watch even the outlines of the jin sect’s slow insidious stranglehold on power. even these random shopgoing nobodies know that nmj is Not Happy about these watchtowers and that it’s probably going to happen anyway. the jin are snakes but at least they’re clever about it and I do kind of respect that

- oh everything’s about to go so wrong I hate it

NOOOOO don’t make the zombie baby fight, nothing good will come of this

- man this is hitting me worse than lotus pier actually I’m just... crying haha

it’s almost cathartic tho... there’s something about wen quing’s dignity and certainty that really helps? I just really wish they hadn’t brought the whole little group, god I want them to be okay so badly and ah yuan will be all that’s left and. and just throw me into the ocean and let me sink tbh

- I know this is all so much black cgi smoke (pls let us see the red version again at some point btw that was cool as shit) but the emotional metaphor of wwx that you can’t take on more and more of other people’s suffering and trauma and not care for yourself because you will lose control of that at some point is just. very nicely done. (he’s a bit of an odd serial codependent for a lot of the story, isn’t he. thank god lan zhan is not a quitter)

- jin zixuan’s mom is breaking my heart a little here. this lady has been married to THAT GUY all this time and now this as well. sorry lady, I guess jgy probably Took Care Of You at some stage after this

- a) this is just real good acting for wwx. this is the perfect level of unhinged for this, even though I’m always like ‘just. just shut your mouth for one time in your life and stop digging this grave any deeper six feet should be enough for anyone huh’ at this stage of the story and b) I am cackling inappropriately at the shot-reverse-shots between wwx, jiang cheng and jgy. jiang cheng looks like everything he ever loved is falling apart around him and jgy is like ‘oh wow I didn’t even have to provide him any rope he’s doing an excellent job at hanging himself without me’

I love wwx so much but it did take him an unconscionable length of time to realize that when you set big enough things into motion you will not be able to control who it crushes along the way or who might steer it in the wrong direction. other people exist and have agency and a lot of those people are bad honey :(

- ah yes lwj being stopped by a barrier made of the physical manifestation of wwx’s trauma when he tries to reach him :’) this is okay and cool and fine    

- it’s admirably obtuse of everyone to look at wwx at this stage and still think he’s in control of uh anything lol

- oh okay that went better than expected I don’t know if I’m just inured to sadness at this point

jiang cheng looking like a little boy clutching his big sister’s body is tugging at my heartstrings a bit tho

- ooooh this battle hardened intense lwj!!! I guess I can sort of see it now

- oh lan zhan 2, electric boogaloo

- finally! time for some comfort up in this hurt

- my man nmj still so fucking angry in the afterlife that anything even remotely connected to him is shaking with rage in sympathy in the real world. a mood

- fdsahfsjdklfhsdajk wwx being like ‘I can take everyone saying I was evil but how DARE you not mention I was also a snacc’

- when do you think nie huaisang really realized that his brother wouldn’t have children and that he was up for the sect leader seat next? nie mingjue seems to have known pretty far in advance himself and tried to prepare his brother accordingly, but that kid really didn’t want the job so I imagine he’d try to live in denial as long as possible

vaguely related: no other family is ever mentioned by either brother or anyone else, and nie huaisang straight out says that he is the only main disciple (I seem to remember and with the caveat that I might have misunderstood the translation) when there’s the talk of them being sent to the wen as hostages -- I suppose you sort of have to be very selective when your ancestral cultivation method is sketchy enough that you should keep that shit on the down low and you know people die young from it. so I think it’s possible if not probable that huaisang is the last of his family. isn’t that a fun little thing to think about? haha. ha. help me  

- this random street vendor is an unexpected strong comedy performance, every face he makes is pure gold

- fkshafkjsdhfasd best introduction of adult nhs

- the quiet luminous love on lwj’s face whenever he looks at wwx in the present... give this man all the awards. it’s nice that wwx gets to be scared and childish and vulnerable with someone who loves him no matter what too, he’s been through some shit

- oh okay I see so the reason they chose to make fatal journey the way they did was because they already had the set built

- *nhs dropping one set of robes like that one gif from anastasia to reveal another even more luxuriously dandy-ish set under it* oh wow what a surprise to see you two down here, coincidences amirite (anyway here’s the testament to all the sins of my ancestors & a trail of breadcrumbs to lead you to the murderer of my brother)

no wait that’s slightly later isn’t it. well the point still stands

- dead!nmj is truly a mood -- “I don’t know where I am, who I am or what the fuck just happened but I do know that I am PISSED OFF”

(actually in the book I found that almost comforting -- at least the dude got to spend his afterlife doing what he loved (i.e. being angry), but this more nuanced and sympathetic version being trapped like that just. makes me very very sad)

nice of him to stick around to play a few rounds of hot or cold with his little bro’s friends tho lol. I mean from what I understand of this take on canon it’s actually the spirit of his sword and not him in person? but close enough, let me keep him as long as I can okay

- jin ling getting his dumb ass cask of amontillado’d within ten minutes of entering the tomb smh

look at your ROBES young man what is your (other) uncle going to say??

- hAH what did I say. pedagogic mastermind jiang cheng at it again

enjoying the fact that they chose the floofiest most benign-looking of dogs to play this ~*terrifying hound*~ so much

I have a lot of sympathy for jiang cheng, and the actor is doing a good job at aging him up here (not as good as lwj’s but then you can’t beat perfection). the way he’s calcified into bitterness and anger b/c he can’t express his emotions in a healthy nuanced way feels very... real I guess, people get like that sometimes

- I am somehow really endeared to this version of jin ling. a dumb baby, but a baby

- poor lan zhan lol “I LEFT YOU ON YOUR OWN FOR TWO HOURS AND YOU ALREADY MANAGED TO TAKE ON SOMEONE ELSE’S CURSE??? BABE!!!!!!!”

he consistently uses jiang cheng’s personal name too huh. well it is his brother in law I guess ETA: actually I’m an idiot ignore/forgive me, that’s jiang cheng’s courtesy name isn’t it. lan wangji is being salty/maybe-deliberately-maybe-not-(but-definitely-tho) distant/polite with him I think 

- y’know... as I watch lwj carry the love of his life around on his back with all the tenderness in the world and I see people in the comments yell about why do you always need everything to be gay they’re just good friends you’re all crazy... I realize all over again that there really is no level of queerness they’ll ever find legitimate or acceptable. which like. feels bad, but there’s also the freedom in remembering they are always going to be assholes no matter what I do, there’s literally no need to listen to them at any time.

- I am CRACKING UP; watching this episode right after seeing fatal journey sure is a treat hahaha. nhs really must enjoy the acting on a deep level because he is hamming it up and I am living for it    

“It’s nothing at all like unorthodox demonic cultivation methods!” he protests with his big innocent doe eyes, having yelled the exact same accusation at his brother within ten seconds of finding out about it dsfdskjha

- awww that’s such a sweet way of telling nhs who he is while both of them still get plausible deniability :’)

this show is making it a LOT easier to figure out nhs’ deal earlier just through visual storytelling and his reactions when lwj and wwx aren’t looking, but I guess you sort of have to do that without the benefits of selective POVs that you can do in written stories

- lan zhan’s little smirks are such a blessing

- can we talk about how INCREDIBLY rude lwj and wwx are being barging into other people’s ancestral tombs like they own the place. I know I said break some rules lan zhan but there’s such a thing as common decency too at least wipe your feet at the entrance or something

stop being big bullies!!! (nhs actually sounds a little salty at how debonair they are being lol he’s like yeah you’re doing what I want you to but you don’t have to be such dicks about it)

- nooooooo nmj don’t die ur so sexy ahaha (I jest so I do not cry godddddd my heart big brother come baaaaaaack)

I’m honestly finding it very hard to live with knowing that the last thing nmj saw in life was jgy having his little brother in his clutches D:D:D: looking at it like that... of course he came back mad as fuck, I’d probably do the same thing

- boys boys I love and support you but could you maybe not stand around talking about how this was totally a horrific murder like the murderee’s little brother isn’t standing right there?? i mean it’s useful for him but it’s kind of mean of you, I know neither of you were raised in a barn  

okay there’s wwx irrepressible protective instinct that’s better. I just... nhs standing there looking small and sad and soft and lonely isn’t the whole truth but it is part of the whole truth, it’s nice to see wwx being like this even after all those years. (the physical closeness in their friendship in their youth in this version is so gooood. outside of wwx the only two people we see nhs consistently allow close or seek out closeness from is his brother and MENG YAO, who can frankly burn in hell even more than usual for the flute thing in fatal journey.)

- lan zhan contemplating the inherent impermanence of everything good in the world and then immediately getting blackout drunk -- MOOD. also I have never seen a scene where someone so obviously was about to press a soft kiss to someone’s forehead or cheek, don’t worry wwx I see you through the censorship lol

(it’s incredible how well they’ve adapted the love story considering the fact that they technically uh can’t)  

- wen ning: shambles, zombie-like and disheveled with horror movie monster eyes, into frame

all of us: omg a BABY ToT

- live action drunk lan zhan is living up to the hype I am  d y i n g

this poor repressed man

fjskdfsdkjhf he could do sword fighting in his damn sleep probably

I will say that leaving ‘wei wuxian was also here’ is going to scare the crap out of these poor people whose only crime was keeping well fed chickens

- they r so in love someone hold me

- this nmj!kid I am LOSING IT, this is so cute I want to lie face down on the floor and cry

- the yi city arc is my least favourite part of this story, so I’m fortifying myself to get through a couple of hours of sexy baby xue yang here

- Dad/troll teacher!wwx is in fact everything

- oooh wwx has the same weird crooked fingers as me when they’re extended! just some small Facts About Your Friendly Neighbourhood Blogger there

- this is not at all a bad take on ah quing! she qte

- ‘what’s your husband look like?’ song lan, crying: beautiful

- xxc you didn’t think it was a little weird the dude wouldn’t tell you his name -- even a name -- all this time. honestly

I know you’re in a bad place and this is sort of a rebound thing from your actual true love but stop letting him gaslight you like this buddy :(

- time for some MASSIVELY FORESHADOWING PARALLELS my friends

- I don’t know if I’m just a heartless monster but I honestly don’t care that much about anyone but ah quing in this little sideplot lol (probably my complete disinterest in xue yang tainting everything else)  

- xue yang and jgy: the ‘sad backstory dude still inexplicably extra mass murder’ club

- godddd I’m so bored I’ve listened to this guy cackle ~*madly and evilly*~ for three episodes now when will it fucking end

- lan jingjy you are VALID

- fhsdkfhsdkj can’t get over baxia being like ‘OI you two stop gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes for five seconds and get on with avenging me’

must be annoying spending your afterlife in a pouch third wheeling the two most obnoxiously in love people in the world, I think this spirit sword is being admirably restrained and patient all things considered

- big brother I am so sorry you had to hang out under there all this time while this boring bullshit plot happened above you ;________________________;

I’m actually not clear on what the nie sect does with the bodies of the dead -- the saber tomb seems to be exclusively for the weapons/we see that some of the cultivators will go down there while they’re still alive to sacrifice themselves... maybe they go in the walls? I guess nhs is breaking tradition in a lot of ways tho so who knows!

- ‘from what I’ve seen he’s not so bad’ wei ying he smilingly asked you to use POWs for target practice I’ll allow lxc to be this dumb but you really have no excuse

- this duckling in red is a gentleman and a bro, one to watch

- wwx seductively arranging himself in the open window to cover his panic fsdkjfhsda

- lot’s wife WISHES she had the level of salt jiang cheng does

- ‘if they ask me any weird questions I don’t know the answers to I’ll have to pretend to be a total psycho’

lan zhan, dragging his husband with one deadpan face: I’m sure that is going to be a huge feat of acting for you babe

- NIE HUAISANG FALLING INTO FRAME AND LAUNCHING HIMSELF FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER LIKE A GORMLESS WET RAG, I STAN ONE (1) BOY

‘but new problems appeared’  how is he such a mood

again tho you can give your unknowing accomplices so much space to investigate if you just don’t bother with self respect or dignity at any stage of the journey lol

- fjshdfkjlsahd that beat of lan zhan clearly taking a moment to contemplate the idea of wei ying confessing his love naked in public there

- uncle and nephew bonding time T________________T  

- fsakfhsadkjlfhsad I can’t deal with this mission impossible ass music in the background as a little paper gingerbread man scoots around the palace

whoever animated this was clearly having a lot of fun, I love the little details like his dangling legs and him rubbing his lil paper bum after landing

- poor qin su, one of the most screwed over people in this whole show. at least in the book he didn’t mean to

- ah su, you’re being very unreasonable about this, what is a little incest between friends

- straight culture is this being chill to keep in the adaptation but god forbid anyone got a loving queer kiss at any point (not blaming the showrunners at all, they’re clearly stretching the limits as far as they will go and maybe a bit more at a few points)

- YES SISTER CALL HIM THE FUCK OUT I always felt like she’s known something was a little off for a long time but never could put her finger on what exactly

- ‘can you still not let me go’ hey jgy you piece of shit who’s keeping whose head in a weird serial killer cabinet here

- THANK YOU FOR BRINGING HIS HANDSOME ALIVE FACE BACK TO MY SCREEN IF ONLY TO MAKE ME SAD

- he’s so beautiful and righteous and strong 😭😭😭😭 dage come back to us

(makes even more sense that he’s so pissed off about what jgy did if he’s already shown clearly that he’ll shut down the people fucking with him if it’s brought to his attention. he gave you every opportunity you little oh-it’s-never-really-my-fault worm of a man)

- another nmj about to cry warning needed here help me

dON’T FUCKING TOUCH HIM YOU SLIMY FSKJLDHFKSJDHFSKDJLHF

the nie traits are undying loyalty, rage, and the intergenerational trauma of watching your parental figures succumb to death and madness through the same cultivation path you practice

- my cause of death: nmj’s eyes shining with unshed tears

this version has that edge of vulnerability to him, you suddenly do realize he was once just a kid watching his dad die a horrifying death and then having to take on all that responsibility and raising his brother

nie boys unfailingly devoted to the people under their protection I’m gonna go bury myself under a tree or something

- I’ve had to turn the volume down so I can barely hear anything b/c my emotions are too big to for my dumb body to contain already I can’t listen to this

- extremely sad but also a little funny that part of the reason nmj died was that he had no interest whatsoever in the arts. ‘music is music right?’ says local jock

- I’ve just been whimpering the last twenty minutes this is awful

- huaisang’s voice breaking on ‘big brother, it’s me’... sdlakhgsdjklfhsadjkghsdkjlfhdskljhgsdalkhgsdklgjhsdjklhgkdjslhgjskd I’m going to the bottom of the mariana trench and I’m staying there goodbye

- I can’t wait to watch nie huaisang end this putrid trash man’s whole career in the most devastating way possible tbh

- I’m just so SAD T______________________________T I hate jgy so much my heart burns with it I’m so glad he’s about to get some dramatic irony shoved up his -- but I digress

- haha poor jin ling standing there watching all this messed up shit like ‘O.O thanks i’m nine’

- I wish I was as good at passing the fuck out on command as nhs, I feel like it would solve a lot of my problems

- just some low key soulmate shit no biggie

- wwx is basically fantasy old timey naked again here the SCANDAL except no scandal they’re clearly married

- wwx is being so much more patient with lxc than I would have found it in my heart to be at this stage. he’s like ‘lxc you are my brother in law and I truly appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me but it’s sadly up to me to gently confront you with all the ways you’ve been a dumb ho just b/c you think jgy has pretty dimples 😔’

- “You’re not qualified to talk to me” oh lwj I love you so much. I thought committing murder was forbidden by the lan sect rules but there you go  

- it honestly baffles me that some people think nmj would be the strictest parental figure in this universe when a) everything about huaisang suggests otherwise and b) lan qiren is right there

madam yu has that ‘super unforgiving to her son’s face but will also tear anyone criticizing him a new one’ mixed energy too  

- lqr: I raised a perfect obedient righteous cultivator

me & wei ying: you’ve ruined a perfectly good boy is what you did look at him he’s too repressed to breathe

- well their dad clearly paid enough attention to worldly matters that two kids resulted from it, I’m not quite sure where we’re going with this lxc

one’s an accident two’s a pattern etc.

- wow I was so confused about ‘confidante’ being used here b/c it makes absolutely no sense in context, and the comments helpfully informed me that it’s more accurately translated to ‘soulmate’ or something like that; that does make a whole lot more sense yeah

- bb!lan zhan kneeling in the snow is more than anyone’s supposed to have to live with tbh

- lxc being like ‘so yeah my brother will keep loving people long after they’re gone and unable to give him love back! just a fun fact there, something to think about anyway here’s wonderwall’

- soft, ever-so-slightly messy haired at home lan zhan deserves the world

- oh wwx’s shift away from thinking the truth doesn’t matter at all to realizing the truth of you being held fully and with love by one person in your life is enough as lwj plays their song ;______________________________; this is almost more romantic than a kiss scene would be honestly jesus christ  

- little apple is the best of us tbh

- apologies but they have 100% started to fuck off-screen at this stage, the looks wei ying is giving him dsafasdfhsjkd

- I take it back mianmian and little apple are the best of us

- imagine just finding the light bearing lord, second peerless jade of lan in his immaculate white clothes, peeking out from between your hay bales one day

- the exponential increase in lan zhan’s blessed little smiles lately: my oh-they-fawking thesis is validated yet again

- wei ying lying through his teeth: of course I remembered your face at once who do you take me for  

(lan zhan: smirks in quiet satisfaction)

- walejhgskdjhgsjdaklfhsadjkflafhsjakdsf wen ning is so cute I don’t know what to do with myself

- wei ying this is where you first asked him out of course he remembers

- lan zhan is like ‘oh shit I forgot to tell him about our son and at this point I’m kind of embarrassed to bring it up’

- I am NOT thinking about the lotus pond they made for him here, you can’t make me

- ‘the worst time in their lives’ yeah, but there was such love there too. it  h u r t s 

- the actor for wen ning is so good at making his expressions look deeply earnest but also a little uncanny, like moving his face doesn’t come naturally to him anymore but his Good Boyness shines through

- DRAGGED in public by his own son. rip wwx he had a good run of it before his untimely murder

- wow thank goodness sect leader yao survived all this time, his death would as we all know have been a huge loss to society as a whole

- “I’m just here to round up the numbers” I love him more than I can convey to you in words

I’m a simple person, I hear nhs’ chronically befuddled voice and a burst of pure joy is released in my heart

sdfhjksadhfsad his soft little 😕 face peeking out from behind people’s shoulders fkjsdhfsdjal

- will I ever get enough of nhs masterfully manipulating a situation through his own apparent cowardliness and uselessness? no is the answer to that it’s always entrancing to watch

nhs as a teacher, nodding sagely as his disciples exchange glances: it’s never too late to go home instead of going big. saying ‘fuck this i’m outta here’ is always an option

- also nhs seemingly doesn’t use a saber at all anymore, where he at least used to have one back in fatal journey times. I’m very happy he’s trying some new things, time to break that very sad traumatic chain of dying young and furious

also him getting someone else to do the work of fixing the ward or whatever fskdfhaskdlf

teacher nhs, waving his pupils away b/c he’s busy painting or something: class dismissed. and remember, if at all possible, get someone else to do your homework for you. as long as you don’t get caught that’s an automatic A

- wwx is literally the cat surrounded by knives meme here lol

- lol lol lol wwx just removed his outer tunic thing to reveal lan zhan’s undershirt still under there and you can see lan qiren silently seethe with ‘that little hussy has seduced my nephew away from the righteous path’

(do I personally believe in slut shaming of any kind? nah it’s dumb as fuck. do I think lqr does? yeah)

- hahaha I can’t tell if nhs’ slightly glazed look here is b/c wwx did something he didn’t plan for him to do or if it’s because he’s for all intents and purposes half naked in front of them. (tbh I think there’s a case to be made in this version that he has a sort of wistful would-never-act-on-it-for-a-million-different-reasons-lan-zhan’s-furious-jealous-stare-being-foremost-of-them crush on both wwx and lwj from back when they were teens)

- WOW all these dicks inviting themselves to lotus pier!!! r u d e

- lan zhan flexing on lan qiren by raising a happy well adjusted child even while he’s mourning the love of his life: what like it’s hard

- wen ning kept that toy for sixteen goddamn years don’t touch me

- I’m crying about jin ling give me a moment. he is baby okay he’s even younger than ah yuan by at least four years

the image of him hugging the only thing he’s got left of his dad... fsdalkfhasdjlkfhsjdakhfsjdk

- lan sizhui has a crowd of good uncles/dads and poor jin ling has a crowd of utter disaster uncles and it’s very unfortunate (yes wwx is on both of those lists)

it is very sweet that it’s jiang cheng who consistently actually looks out for him, even in his feelings-wtf-are-feelings sort of way. the least disaster uncle, but only by comparison lol

- I think this ouyang kid might be duckling in red from before? LOVING the interspersed nhs reaction shots to him, anyway fsakdfh (I’m going to make it sad: how many conversations like this do you think he had with his brother as a kid? that’s fine we can both cry now I don’t want to be alone in this)

- ‘mr ning’ im Y___________________________________Y

- extremely Here for yet another full costume change from nhs hahaha (he’s changed at the boat already, god knows how he pulled that off but I’d expect no less from him)

- nhs must have been a sect leader for at least a decade at this point, and he still manages to exude such a powerful ‘kid at the adult’s table’ aura. incredible. mindblowing, inspirational

- ...oh they went with the same version of the previous jin leader’s death huh (but GOD FORBID that anyone should be openly gay amirite lol) O___O again though WHY is jin ling here, jiang cheng??????? he’s like sixteen, he’s never going to dare to even kiss anyone after this

- nhs has the look of a man who’s had to sit on this disgusting knowledge alone for years and finally gets to share that icky burden around, merry christmas everyone if I have to know about this so do you

- I don’t know if this is just me imagining things or reading more into it than what’s there, but I think nhs is actually sitting in the same pose his brother used to a lot in this part of the scene (the upright posture with palms resting at the top of the thighs/hips, fingers turned inwards/towards each other; it looks sort of... solid and self-contained, I guess)

- I would call jgy knowingly committing the incest character assassination if he’d had enough character to assassinate even in the book, I would never have put it past him

- y’know... god knows nmj had flaws (I think my immense depth of love for him in this version comes precisely from how hard he tries even while being deeply flawed. him dumb but him always trying :’) well actually he’s not dumb at all, he’s shown to be pretty darn politically savvy, I’m just having a hard time finding the right word here. ‘inflexible’ is maybe closer ), but the big defining difference between him and jin guangyao (and consequently xue yang) is that both of the latter are completely open about the fact that they see themselves as more important than anyone else -- xue yang considers one of his fingers worth more than fifty people’s lives, jgy kills twenty sex workers as a mere afterthought to his own revenge on his father. meanwhile nmj gets Messed Up by people dying under his protection to the degree that he came up with one of the dumbest plans I’ve ever heard just so he’d be the only one at risk, just so no one else would get hurt anymore. hmnghsjhfs.   

- wen ning, proudly: my sister was the best doctor in the world 

me, openly crying: she sure was buddy

- wwx: hey lan zhan are there any sweet patient lan ladies with an open mind around

lwj: ...why

wwx: I just think our zombie son should start thinking about getting friends, maybe even a real home

lwj, subtly relieved: oh

- JIN LING BABY BOY NOOOO D:D:D:

- nhs I need you to come in and end this man I cannot look at his awful face anymore

- ugh this garrotte sound effect is really unpleasant actually well done

- THERE HE IS!!! conveniently swooning his way into the scene again, my guy ;_______; smol and soft-looking and about to utterly obliterate a man on every conceivable level 

I love every moment of the camera dwelling meaningfully on his innocent vulnerable face, this is going to be so great 

it’s too bad he’s a behind the curtain sort of dude, I would kill for a poirot-style ‘I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here in the library’ moment here lol

- tbh jiang cheng’s got a point about that whole ‘making huge sweeping decisions about someone else’s life and never telling them about it’ thing

wwx has sort of structured himself as a person so that you’ll never be allowed to really reciprocate his dedication and sacrifices (unless you’re lz lol), and while that is a very sympathetic trauma reaction essentially it is sort of a dick move interpersonally.

- the weight and wisdom that comes along with the scars of older wwx... you love to see it

- nhs, with effortless grace, rousing from his disney princess slumber just as the real drama’s about to begin... your honor he is simply the best

-  T__________________________________________________________T big brother 

- the tinge of coldness in nhs’ eyes while he watches jgy through this whole scene even as he keeps up the ‘im baby don’t worry about me’ act.............. fashdfjlksdahfslkadj, not to say askfksjhafkjsldhfkjsalhfksjaldhfkls

- to say that jgy has perhaps ‘gone overboard with this’ might be the biggest understatement of any century lxc

- watching him kneel by his brother’s coffin here I’d like to propose that Nie Huaisang has exactly the same capacity for all-consuming rage as the rest of his family, except he can’t just vent it by hitting something real hard with a haunted murder saber so he has to get creative and that was real unfortunate for Jin Guangyao  

- one thing that’s always tickled me is that nhs did give jgy the choice. the people around him -- the people he claims to love -- could have been left out of it, no dishonor being brought to either his name or any of theirs... if he’d been willing to sacrifice himself. (probably a gambit where he knew that was never going to happen, but still!)

- nhs standing there in the background like ‘yeah yeah we all have horrifying family legacies buddy, we just don’t knowingly marry our sisters or arrange for mass murders over it’  

- arguably killing the previous jin leader could actually count as a good deed if not for the horrifying way he did it lol. jgy all over, he could have done something helpful, *john mulaney voice* and then he didn’t he just killed nineteen innocent women while he was on a roll instead

- while it’s sort of bullshit that some responsibility is taken away from wwx in jin zixuan’s death here it’s also making a bit more sense to me like this -- seems like an uncharacteristic gamble from jgy to just idk hope wwx would lose control at exactly the right/wrong moment. wwx is still at fault for how casually he treated wen ning as a weapon when he didn’t know what the consequences could be, I’m okay with this

- jin ling and the terrible horrible no good very bad week :( protect him

wow lan xicheng let’s stand around some more letting this awful excuse for a person tell this sixteen year old boy that his parents deserved to be murdered basically, I’m sure there’s a lot more fruitful discussion still left to be had here  

- talk shit about nie mingjue’s brother get hit su she hell YEAHHHHHH

big brother still looking out for him I’m fsdklfhajsdlhf 😭😭😭

- I’M SO FULL OF FEELINGS ;________________________________; at least in this version the implication feels more like he’s finally at peace? (hilariously wwx managed to purge/cleanse the saber spirit, which is the entire conflict of fatal journey haha, nhs really did get his best friend to do his homework for him yet again, INSPIRATIONAL)

- HELL YEAH FINALLY GET REKT YOU PIECE OF SHIT! PRESS F TO PAY RESPECT EXCEPT JOKE’S ON YOU I’VE GOT NO RESPECT TO PAY

They did do away with any and all ambiguity around nhs here and I’m totally cool with it, that was awesome

- I’m playing the world’s tiniest little violin right now, wow much sad fuck you and your dumb hat

- may I just say that the fact that jgy uses his last moments on earth to make lxc, a person he proclaims to love, feel as bad as possible about his now inevitable death even though it clearly wasn’t really his fault... is just proof that he has never actually loved anyone at all except possibly himself 

contrast with wwx, who tells jc that he’s sorry, dries his tears in the here and now and says to let the past go because there’s nothing either of them can do about it now and there’s no point in hurting themselves over it again and again anymore. jgy has the opportunity to give a similar kindness here and instead twists and twists the knife, so lxc will be in as much pain as possible when he’s gone. he’d rather be kept alive in lxc’s suffering than let him, someone he ‘loves’, ever heal and be happy. anyway I hope hell is real shitty for you jgy

- jgy you absolute piece of shit you couldn’t let my man have TEN FUCKING MINUTES to nap in peace? after sixteen years of your fuckery? urgh bye  

- nhs looking at lxc sadly when lxc can’t see him... one last ‘I don’t know’ finally closing out his arc... I love all of this so much, there’s such a nuance of... he is genuinely a bit sad about causing lxc pain but he also doesn’t regret what he did At All. (I guess most of what he’s done must be pretty easy to rationalize/justify to himself, since the vast majority of his work went into finding the horrible shit jgy has done and showing them the way home to roost, rather than creating fresh suffering from scratch. and then there’s also the whole mo family but uh well eggs omelettes amirite lol)   

- lan qiren telling people not to run or talk loudly b/c they’re at a temple, even under these circumstances fhakjsldfhkjsdafhkjsaldhf 

- god the casting people for this show have a perfect track record of finding heartwrenchingly cute kids my GOD

- jfdsafhaskdjfh I love how they’ve done the moment with the hat -- the way the flashback sort of indicates that nhs does recognize on a deep level that the dude he just killed was someone’s son, was after all once an innocent child, like anyone... and again, it doesn’t make him regret it. he looks tired and sort of empty, but not like he’d take any of it back. he’s seen jgy for all that he was, good and bad, and made his decision. his reaction to seeing his hands ever so slightly stained with blood is mostly ‘...eh sure’ (and he knows none of this will ever bring his brother back and I am HURTING) . just. I love him so much what an interesting character 

- lan zhan raised a child who can talk about his feelings, unprecedented & wondrous 

who’s chopping onions in here

- never getting over ah yuan being the best person in the world at roasting his dad 

- okay okay okay I’m going to have some incoherent feelings here -- the expression on nhs’ face right after wwx asks him if he intends to be chief cultivator is just... hm. how do I describe this. it looks almost like he’s thinking ‘oh yeah I forgot you don’t actually know me anymore (yeah okay that’s my bad)’? the previous scene is about lwj and wwx, The symbolic representation of true love in this world, naming each other/knowing each other for exactly who and what they are. that’s the thematic victory in this story; to be truly known, accepted and loved for the entirety of who you are, if only by one person in your whole life. (notably all sorts of love, parental, familial, platonic etc., not just romantic/sexual) and to get his victory, nhs has had to completely forsake that because his whole plan hinged on it; he hasn’t been emotionally honest with anyone for well over a decade at this point. no one really knows or understands him, and if someone ever did he’s long dead now and never coming back. and in this one moment both wwx and nhs seem to come to the quiet understanding that neither of them are who they used to be as kids and it’ll never be like it used to be again, and reach a sort of live-and-let-live truce about it.  d u d e this goddamn story 

(after all part of the reason jgy is so incredibly terrified of nmj is that he’s the first person to see straight through his bullshit to who he is behind it, and that it’s u g l y  back there. jgy + nmj = being known without being accepted or loved (b/c honestly he doesn’t deserve to be loved or accepted yeah there we go I said it), jgy + lxc = being accepted and loved without being known, which turns into disaster all around.)

- man this was actually a really solid adaptation, it was excellently done! they did rush a bit towards the end there (it was never explained why jgy didn’t kill sissi along with all the other sex workers in this version, for example, leaving a rather substantial plot hole, and they never reveal why exactly lan zhan had to take over as sect leader which breaks off lxc’s arc at the end), but all in all that was wonderful and even added some stuff I liked better than in the book! now please god never let mtxt write a sequel, just let them be in this happily ever after, all of them have been through enough ;________;

- also the music was truly epic! I don’t even begrudge them using some parts more often and blatantly than what’s probably necessary, I want to wallow in this love theme as much as the next person lol

- what am I going to do with hours upon hours of my life now? I don’t know either, I suppose I will just have to find some way to hobble on 

#the untamed #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #nie brothers #(b/c predictably that's what most of my feelings boil down to lol) #meta #I think I might have outdone myself with this; this is a new height of aimless unproductive nonsense even for me lol #I did this instead of working on the edit of the fic I've got nearly finished because... I don't know either guys I just don't know

[theabominableblogger]

My Reaction to “Mowgli:  Legend of the Jungle”

Bet you didn’t see this one coming, huh?

Ohh I am ready.

The snakeskin over the logo though!

CATE BLANCHETT IS DOING THE INTRO?!?

OK, I can see where Netflix might have stepped in.  Some of the CG doesn’t look as... cinematic as expected.

*gasps when Shere Khan enters the scene*

*jaw drops when Bagheera stumbles upon baby Mowgli for the first time*

Oh shit, he picked him up like right after Mowgli’s parents died!  Dang!

Stock baby sounds!

This music is gorgeous and I’m like 3 minutes in now.

I already love the feel to this already.  I mean, so far, it’s following some similar beats to the Disney movie but it feels fresh and authentic. 

*gasps when Tabaqui charges in*

The animation on Tabaqui is awesome.

Even the script feels different and I like it. 

Baloo!

*gasps when Shere Khan invades the council*

Oh my gosh, the eye movements Shere Khan does are totally Benedict Cumberbatch

“If you take on me... you take on the pack.”  Holy shit you guys.

“The day you miss your kill, the man-cub’s blood will run down my chin.”  HOly shit.

Wait, this was the intro?!?  Holy crap!

So... stand outs already for the animals are Akela, Bagheera, Tabaqui, and Shere Khan.

“We look it in the eye so that the soul doesn’t depart alone.”  *softly* Hoooooo.....

Oh my God, did he [Mowgli] just eat a bug?

*sighs in relief when the scorpion crawls off Mowgli’s face*

Oh my gosh, that landscape is gorgeous

*smiles when Mowgli starts playing with Bhoot*

Oh my gosh, who plays the older brother?

I really like the relationship established with Mowgli and the other wolves. 

*gasps when Baloo slaps one of the cubs for not paying attention*

“But I’ve never had one of my cubs fail.”  Lemme guess, Mowgli’s gonna fail in the practice run, isn’t he?

God, don’t follow the freaking monkey!  That is literally low hanging fruit!

Aaw, he [the baby monkey] looks cute.

Oh my gosh, now that I see Baloo’s teeth when he talks, I can’t stop seeing them.

One thing I like about Andy Serkis whenever he does motion capture, there’s a lot of attention to his eyes and mouth.  You can especially see it in the wrinkles around his eyes and the way the lines around his mouth crinkle too.

*mouths a cuss word when Mowgli is trapped underwater watching Shere Khan drink*

*sighs in relief when Shere Khan leaves*

Yeah no, he [Mowgli] should be dead.  He is freaking surrounded by SPIKES.  It was a TIGER TRAP.

*is left silent when the elephant rescues Mowgli*

Aren’t the elephants considered gods in the jungle?  Like all the animals have to avert their eyes whenever they pass or something?

Another detail that I like is that there’s always a hint of audio from the man village whenever anyone is not focused on events strictly related to the pack or the jungle.

Also, can we talk about how soft this Bagheera is toward Mowgli?

Mowgli... what are we doing?

*gasps when Tabaqui enters the camp right in front of Mowgli*

MOWGLI YOU BETTER FREAKING RUN

Holy shit, why are you talking to him [Tabaqui]?!?

OK, that scene between those two was actually pretty good.  It’s like, the main protagonist should not be interacting with the villain’s lackey as casual as this, but it helps as part of the plot and it’s not laughed off.

I’m gonna have to look up the rest of the cast list for this because it is supremely good.

God, Mowgli’s gonna fail the Running, isn’t he?

So is Bhoot the runt of the litter?

Holy crap this whole scene is intense.

MOWGLI GET BACK DOWN-

*immediately deflates when Bagheera catches Mowgli right before the finish line*

I am heartbroken.  Guys.  I am heartbroken.

“He targeted me.  He knows I’m the weakest.”  Guys...

*finally takes a breath*  Oh my God... guys, I was about ready to cry.

*gasps when the Monkey people take Mowgli in front of Bhoot*

WHY ARE YOU [Bagheera and Baloo] FIGHTING?!?

GUYS, STOP FIGHTING!

“Mowgli’s been taken by the Monkey people!”  Holy crap, does that mean Baloo and Bagheera are gonna go get Kaa to help them out?  Like in the book?

*winces when the Monkeys ram Mowgli’s head into a rock and knock him out*

What the...

*freezes when Shere Khan roars in the background*

Guys, this movie is actually pretty scary.  Not gonna lie.

*mouths along with Shere Khan when he says “My, my, how you’ve grown.”*

*winces when Shere Khan marks Mowgli*

Wait, do the Monkey people actually serve under Shere Khan in this version?

*gasps when Bagheera gets dragged under by the monkeys*

KAA!

Holy shit, this music [when Kaa chases away Shere Khan and the monkeys]

So how does the pack view Kaa?  I know Baloo said earlier that you wanted to avoid her at all costs, but.. that’s Baloo. 

Guys, I love Bhoot.  Protect him at all costs.

“Why do always want to be around me, Bhoot?”  DON’T DO THIS TO ME

“It’s something your mother tells you to make you feel better because you came out wrong!”  Oh my God...

Rohan Chand [the actor who plays Mowgli] is so good in this.  Round of applause.  I think I prefer him over the Disney version.

Oh my gosh, that little squint Kaa does is absolutely Cate Blanchett

*gasps when Akela misses catching his prey*

OHHH MY GOD THE MORPHING OF THE FACES

*is silent when Shere Khan confronts Akela about missing his kill*

Holy shit, WE ARE DOWNRIGHT KILLING OTHER PACK MEMBERS

*internally screams when Mowgli makes eye contact with Shere Khan*

*Mowgli grabs a fiery branch*  WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?

“If I [Mowgli] ever see you [Shere Khan] here again, I will set your hide ablaze and watch you burn alive!”  HOLY SHIT

PUT OUT THE FIRE

“Leave.”  What?

Holy crap, we’re halfway through the movie?  And we’re now going to the man village?

*gasps when the tiger hunter knocks out Mowgli*

Y’know what?  I kind of think it is a shame that Warner Bros decided not to release it in theaters.  This is a fantastic movie so far but it’s understandably NOT Disney so I could see why that would turn people away.

Sudden change in music...

Bagheera!

God, I love Mowgli and Bagheera’s relationship in this movie.

“Mowgli, I did not come to rescue you.  I’ve come to tell you to stay.”  You’re breaking my heart, movie.

YOU’RE BREAKING MY HEART, MOVIE.

*is milliseconds away from crying*

“Bagheera... I love you!”  *starts to cry a tiny bit*

Stock chicken sounds!

Seriously, who is this hunter dude?

Oh my god, is he [Mowgli] literally eating raw meat?

His [Mowgli’s] hair is so long...

So much orange in the man village!

So how much time has passed since Mowgli came to the man village? 

“This is my home now.”  WHY DOES THIS MAKE ME MAD

tHAT’S the red dye on his face from Kaa’s vision!

*The village throw chalk around and celebrate*  Oh my gosh, this takes me back to the Holi celebrations that they have at my college every year.

Wait, was the hunter the guy who took the elephant’s other tusk?  Called it!

Oh my gosh, is Mowgli gonna take the tusk back and return it?  Let’s go!

*softly gasps when Mowgli walks by a monkey preserved in a jar*

*has a silent heart attack when Mowgli finds Bhoot’s stuffed head on a stand*

*has to pause the movie in order to get a moment to breath*

MOVIE, ARE YOU GONNA MAKE ME CRY?!?

HOLY SHIT, IS HE [Mowgli] GONNA KILL THE HUNTER DUDE?!?

*jaw drops then sighs in relief when Mowgli puts his knife away*

This music here though!  Just this soundtrack in general!  Here’s my money, take it.

“Khan!”  KHAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!

“KHAAAAAAAANNNN!!!”  *shakes fist*

Of course freaking Tabaqui runs for it

*gasps when an elephant bowls Shere Khan over*

HE [Mowgli] FREAKING SICS THE ELEPHANTS ON HIM?!?

*jaw drops when Mowgli stabs Shere Khan in the side*

*gasps when the hunter accidentally shoots Mowgli in the arm*

GIVE MOWGLI THE KILL, GOD DAMN IT

*jaw drops when the elephant bowls over the hunter*

THEY KILLED AKELA!  MOVIE!

Wait, they’re gonna let Shere Khan just freaking walk away?!?  MOVIE!!!

MOVIE!!!

Slow motion shot...

Kaa...

Wait, are we not even gonna see Shere Khan’s death?  Is he even gonna die in this movie?  At least give me that.

*jumps then drops jaw when Mowgli quickly takes out Shere Khan when he’s down*

*The elephant picks up Mowgli*  Oh my gosh, I thought he was gonna throw him.

YEET!

This ending just felt rushed.  Everything else was so great and then it’s all nice and cleaned up at the end.

NETFLIX WHY?!?

I don’t even like the song they chose for the credits.

Wait, they filmed in South Africa?

#the blogger reacts #mowgli #mowgli legend of the jungle #andy serkis #mowgli spoilers #spoiler tag just in case #netflix

[the-desolated-quill]

The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards - The Best of 2018

Hello and welcome, dear reader, to the greatest, most important awards ceremony in the history of entertainment. The Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. The award of recognition that everyone on Earth covets even though they don’t know it. For the Quill Seal Of Approval is a most esteemed prize for hard work and artistry. Better than the Golden Globes, more prestigious than the BAFTAs and guaranteed to be more diverse than the Academy Awards. You know your film, novel, TV show or video game has achieved legendary status when some random nobody on the internet says it’s the best in some obscure top 10 list that’s read by only a couple of people. That’s the true sign of success.

First, a few parish notices. Obviously this is my subjective opinion, so if you disagree with my choices, that’s fine. Go make your own list. (also remember that my opinion is 100% objective, scientific, factual and literal truth and anyone who disagrees is clearly a philistine and a dummy and a poopy-head whose mum smells of elderberries). Also please bear in mind that I haven’t been able to experience everything 2018 has to offer for one reason or another. In other words, please don’t be upset that A Star Is Born isn’t on this list. I’m sure it’s as amazing as everyone says it is. I just never got around to watching it.

Okay. Let us begin.

Inside No. 9 - Series 4

BBC2′s Inside No. 9, written by the League of Gentlemen’s Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith, is an anthology series that’s often sadly overlooked, but it’s really worth a watch if you’re into shows like Black Mirror and The Twilight Zone, and this series in particular has been fantastic. We’ve had an episode written entirely in iambic pentameter, an episode whose chronology runs backwards, a live episode that really plays around with the format, episodes containing tragic and biting satire, and one especially twisted episode that brings out a side of Steve Pemberton we’ve never seen before. Series 4 has been a real treat from start to finish, with each episode beautifully written and expertly performed. Inside No. 9 deserves to share the same pedestal as Black Mirror, no question.

Black Panther

I’m sure everyone knows about my less than flattering views on the Marvel Cinematic Universe by now, which is what made Black Panther such a breath of fresh air for me. Stripping away all the convoluted crap, Black Panther has often been compared to The Dark Knight, and for good reason. Like The Dark Knight, this movie uses the superhero genre to tackle real social and political issues. In Black Panther’s case, exploring just what it means to be black in the modern world. Boasting an impressive cast of black actors, strong female characters, an engaging and complex antagonist, fantastic special effects and truly excellent direction from Ryan Coogler, Black Panther represents a new benchmark for Marvel, the superhero genre and the film industry in general. It proves how important and how lucrative diversity and representation in media can be, and it unintentionally shows how flawed the Marvel business model has become. The reason behind Black Panther’s success is simple. It’s because it’s bloody brilliant. And the reason it’s bloody brilliant is because Coogler was allowed to realise his own creative vision without Kevin Feige and Mickey Mouse breathing down his neck. Perhaps they should take note of that in future.

Deadpool 2

Of course Deadpool 2 is going to be on this list. Are you really surprised?

The Merc with the Mouth goes from strength to strength in the rare instance where the sequel is actually as good as, if not better than, the original. The first Deadpool was a great origin story for the character, but Deadpool 2 felt like an adventure ripped straight from the comics themselves. Crass, ultra violent and hysterically funny, Deadpool 2 is the crowning jewel of the X-Men franchise. Fan favourites such as Negasonic Teenage Warhead and Colossus return as well as new characters such as Domino, played by the exceptional Zazie Beetz, Cable, played by the astounding Josh Brolin, and Firefist, played by Julian Dennison who deserves all the success in the world because good God this kid can act!

But of course the star of the film is Deadpool himself with Ryan Reynolds once again proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that he understands this character back to front. Not only is he hysterically funny, capturing the character’s irreverent tone perfectly, he also absolutely nails the tragic underpinnings of Deadpool that make him such a wonderful character. In between the f-bombs and gore are moments of real drama and emotional pathos as the film tackles themes such as loss, discrimination, abuse and suicidal depression. All this whilst taking the piss out of 2017′s Logan. 

Oh yeah, and it also features the first openly LGBT superheroes in cinematic history. Fuck you Disney! NegaYukio and Poololosus for the win! LOL! No, but seriously, now that you have the rights to X-Men back, if you try and censor Deadpool in any way, shape or form, I will kick your arse.

God Of War (2018)

“BOY!”

Yes Kratos is back, having successfully destroyed the world of Greek mythology and now has his eyes on the Norse Gods. And he has a son now. What could possibly go wrong?

Seriously though, this new God Of War is simply exquisite. While I have long admired the God Of War franchise for its interpretation and adaptation of Greek mythology, the previous games in the series have never exactly been the most sophisticated when it comes to storytelling (and the less said about the casual sexism, the better. Yes Sony, I promise I understand the thematic reasons behind playing a minigame that allows you to have sex with Aphrodite in God Of War 3, but it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s sexist as shit). God Of War 2018 changes all that with an intelligent and engaging story that allows us understand and connect with Kratos at a more personal level than we’ve ever done before. Taking place years after God Of War 3, Kratos is older, wiser and trying to raise his son Atreus in the hopes that he won’t make the same mistakes Kratos did in his past. Not only is the story amazing, continuing the franchise’s themes of vengeance and the strained relationships between parents and their children, the gameplay is also a ton of fun with many memorable moments and boss fights.

And as an added bonus, we get two strong female characters that aren’t treated like discardable sex objects. That was nice of them.

Incredibles 2

The long awaited sequel to The Incredibles finally arrived in 2018 and it did not disappoint. Incredibles 2 was everything I could have wanted and more. Continuing on from the events of the first movie, we see Elastigirl take the spotlight as she fights the Screenslaver whilst trying to persuade the worlds’ governments to lift the ban on superheroes. Meanwhile Mr. Incredible takes a back seat as he tries to reconnect with his kids Violet, Dash and Jack-Jack and prove he can be a good, supportive dad. 

Continuing to draw inspiration from Fantastic Four, X-Men and Watchmen, Incredibles 2 is... well... incredible. Expanding the world he created, Brad Bird tells a smart, funny and compelling story that stands head and shoulders above the majority of superhero movie fodder we get nowadays. Elastigirl flourishes in the lead role this time around and the kids get a lot more development, the Screenslaver is a great villain that compliments the themes of the franchise wonderfully, and we get to see a whole bunch of new characters such as Voyd and the Deavor siblings as well as the return of old favourites like Frozone and Edna Mode. 

Honestly, the baby alone is worth the price of admission. Hopefully we won’t have to wait another fourteen years for Incredibles 3.

Marvel’s Spider-Man

Marvel’s Spider-Man is an amazing game. But of course you knew that already. It’s made by Insomniac Games, the same guys behind Ratchet & Clank. Of course it was going to be brilliant.

Simply put, this game does for Spider-Man what the Arkham games did for Batman. Not only is it a great game with brilliant combat and fun web swinging mechanics, it also has a great story worthy of the wall crawler. Unlike the movies, which seem to continuously yank Peter Parker back into high school with each new reboot as those the poor bastard were attached to the fucker on a bungee rope, this Spidey has been fighting crime for eight years. With great power comes many responsibilities as we see him struggle to juggle crime fighting, his new job as a scientist, his commitments to helping Aunt May at the F.E.A.S.T shelter and trying to win his ex Mary Jane Watson back after a six month split. It’s a brilliant story featuring many classic villains such as Shocker and Electro as well as lesser known villains like Screwball and the criminally underrated Mister Negative who finally gets to be the central antagonist in a Spider-Man adaptation. It’s fun to play, engaging, dramatic and really emotional at points. I cried real tears at the end. What a punch to the gut that was.

OOOOOH! And we might be getting to play as Miles Morales in the sequel! I sure hope so! :D

The Grinch

At this point I imagine many of you are scratching your heads. 

“Really Quill? The Grinch? Illumination’s The Grinch? This deserves the Quill Seal Of Approval? Are you sure?” Yes dear reader, I’m absolutely sure. Just hear me out.

It’s true that the majority of Dr Seuss adaptations are shit. While the live action version of the Grinch starring Jim Carrey has a cult following and is fondly remembered by some, it’s still pretty crap, and even Illumination themselves screwed up royally with their adaptation of The Lorax. But this new Grinch is truly excellent. For starters, the animation is gorgeous. This is clearly the format that works best for Seuss movies. Benedict Cumberbatch does a really good job voicing the character, giving him depth and complexity beyond just being a big old meanie. The film also has something no other Seuss film has ever had before. Subtlety. Illumination have clearly learned their lesson after The Lorax. They’re no longer bashing you over the head with a moral message. They’re not trying to over-complicate a simple story by adding pointless sub-plot after pointless sub-plot. In fact the bits they do add actually feed into the main core of the narrative, as opposed to The Lorax, which just confused things. And while there are cute Minion-esque sidekicks like there are in a lot of Illumination films, The Grinch limits it to two (Max the dog and a reindeer named Fred), they’re both legitimately funny, serve an important narrative purpose and don’t distract from the more serious and emotional moments.

In all honesty, I was debating between giving the Quill Seal of Approval to The Grinch or to Bumblebee (the first legitimately good Transformers movie), but I decided to go with The Grinch because of how it handles the character and the story’s message. A lot of people scoffed at the idea of giving the Grinch a back story (and to the film’s credit they don’t force the issue or over-explain where the Grinch came from) but it’s honestly what makes this new adaptation of The Grinch so special to me. He’s gone from being a Scrooge-like monster to an anxiety filled misanthrope who associates Christmas with being alone. It may sound like a jarring change on paper, but in practice it honestly works so well and adds a whole new dimension to the Grinch. It’s treated with absolute care and sincerity and the film really earns its emotional moments, particularly at the end when we see the Grinch sit down to have Christmas dinner with the Whos.

If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you give this new Grinch a chance. You might be pleasantly surprised :)

Doctor Who - Series 11

A woman?! In the TARDIS?! How absurd!

Jodie Whittaker made history as the first woman to play the Doctor and the new series doesn’t disappoint. Whittaker is predictably brilliant in the role, giving the character compassion, charm and wit. We also get a new bunch of companions (including the always brilliant Bradley Walsh as Graham) who all have some great moments in Series 11 and the relationships they form with each other is incredibly touching and fun to watch. But the writing, my God, the writing. Admittedly not every episode has been perfect, but it’s leagues above anything Moffat has given us during his disastrous reign. The majority of Series 11 has been well written and intelligent, tackling important and relevant social issues (something Doctor Who has always been doing and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot) and focusing on likeable and relatable characters rather than convoluted series arcs. We got to meet Rosa Parks, witness the partition of India, and ponder on the dangers of automation whilst the Doctor tries to save the world from bubble wrap. Oh, and the Daleks are scary again! I know! I couldn’t believe it either!

What makes this all the more remarkable is who the showrunner is. Chris Chibnall. A writer I’ve often criticised in the past for being derivative and shit, and yet somehow he’s managed to create some of the best Doctor Who I’ve seen in a long time. Not only has his writing improved dramatically since his Torchwood days, he’s also demonstrated a commitment to having diverse representation both in front of and behind the camera as well as in the scripts themselves. For the first time in what feels like an age, Doctor Who feels like Doctor Who again, and I’m ecstatically happy.

Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse

How come we don’t see many animated superhero movies in the cinema? Considering the medium from which superheroes came from, you’d think it would be a no-brainer. Presumably it’s because Disney have got such a strangle hold on the animation market, but that’s hopefully going to change thanks to Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse (or, Sony’s Repentance for The Emoji Movie).

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. The animation is gorgeous. It’s pretty much an animated comic book and it stands out as one of the most unique looking animated films in recent memory. Spider-Verse is essentially a love letter to the legacy of Spider-Man as we see multiple different versions of Spidey, including Spider-Gwen, Spider-Ham and Nicholas Cage as Ghost Rider cosplaying as Spider-Man Noir, demonstrating not only the sheer variety of Spider-Men we’ve had over the years, but also exploring what connects them together. With all these different interpretations across many different universes, the idea of Spider-Man comes to the same thing. An ordinary person who experiences tragedy and becomes something greater. It’s hopeful and inspirational in a way Spider-Man films hasn’t been for a while now (Spider-Man: Homecoming sucked donkey balls. Period).

But let’s not forget that while the film explores the Spider-Verse, the main focus is Miles Morales who finally makes his cinematic debut. Not only is it a very faithful adaptation of Ultimate Spider-Man’s origin story, Miles himself is such a great central character for the modern age and arguably has more relevance to today than Peter Parker does. The characters are funny and relatable and the story is expertly crafted and impactful. But then what do you expect from the writers and directors of The Lego Movie? (if only Disney hadn’t interfered with Solo: A Star Wars Story. We could have had it all).

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle

This one kind of snuck up on me toward the end of December, but I knew the moment I saw it I had to include it on this list.

Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle is an adaptation of The Jungle Book with Andy Serkis making his directorial debut. Yes the same guy who did the motion capture for Gollum in Lord Of The Rings and Caesar in the rebooted Planet Of The Apes movies and who totes deserves an Oscar for Best Actor (fuck you Academy Awards!), and he brings this same motion capture technology to this film. Unlike Disney’s Jungle Book, which merely rehashes the original animated film whilst somehow stripping all the charm from it, Mowgli sticks closer to the original Rudyard Kipling book. This isn’t a cheery musical. This film is often dark and intense as we see Mowgli (played wonderfully by Rohan Chand) struggle to find his place in the world. He knows he doesn’t belong with the animals in the jungle, but he doesn’t really fit in with the world of man neither. It’s an emotional and dramatic character piece brought to life by great writing, great acting and stunning special effects. 

Andy Serkis has expressed a desire to do an adaptation of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, and after watching this movie, I would love to see that. If you haven’t already, go watch Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle. It’s available to stream on Netflix and it’s truly amazing.

And that’s it for 2018. Congratulations to the winners of this year’s Quill Seal Of Approval Awards. Unfortunately we’re on a limited budget here on The Desolated Quill, so I can’t offer any sort of trophy or medal or anything. What I can do though is write the words ‘I’m an awesome cookie’ on a post-it note and stick it on your forehead. Will that do?

#quill seal of approval awards 2018 #quill seal of approval awards #best of the year #review #opinion

[minaminokyoko]

A ‘Justice League’ Rant

Foreword

Alright, DC fans. Before you light your torches and grab your Aquaman pitchforks and set off a rousing chorus of "Kill the Beast" when you read my review/rant, I am going to attempt to set the mood and explain myself. Some of you won't care. Some of you won't even read the whole thing before you jump onto your keyboards and proclaim that I'm just a stupid girl who doesn't understand comic books and comic book movies and that the Justice League movie is great and it's better than all the Marvel movies.

Let me stop you right there. 

This ain't about the Marvel movies.

This is about DC and Warner Bros and filmmaking in general.

I don't have it out for DC/WB. I don't have it out for the DCEU. This anger and disappointment is not a result of the 20+ Marvel Cinematic Universe's successful run. This anger and disappointment comes from deep inside a little girl who at the tender age of six or seven first realized what kind of person she wanted to be when she saw Batman: Mask of the Phantasm for the first time. One of my earliest memories was seeing the pain and torment that Bruce Wayne went through after he fell in love with Andrea and he wanted so desperately for it to be okay that he loved her and that he didn't want to keep his promise anymore. I have loved DC since I was old enough to love anything. I love Batman so much that I have his symbol tattooed on my right shoulder. Dead serious. He is my guiding light and he has been since I was six years old.

So, once more, I want you to understand that the reason I hate the Justice League movie is not because I dislike DC.

The reason I hate the Justice League movie is that the Justice League movie hates me.

This movie is hollow. It is a hollow farce. It took six of the most beloved characters in fictional history and stripped them of all the reasons why they have been beacons of entertainment since their inception and plastered them on a cheap ass green screen and shoved it out into the world to make a quick buck. There was no passion, no heart, and no creativity in this film. It doesn't have an original thought in its damn head. Not one. Everything I saw was something I've seen before elsewhere, and it was done better elsewhere. If you don't believe me, fine. Let's go point-by-point. I will fully explain every reason why I almost demanded my money back after sitting through this poisonous flick.

-The plot is so unbelievably thin you couldn't stretch it farther than a couple of inches. Forgetting the fact that Batman vs. Superman was one of the worst films ever, picking up where it left off somehow just made it hurt even worse since we had to acknowledge the fact that it exists and then have to build another plot from the resulting shitstorm. So we begin with Crazy Steve (Note: I refuse to call him Batman or Bruce Wayne, because BatAffleck is neither. He in no way represents any Batman other than Linkara's epithet Crazy Steve from his reviews.) catching a  burglar (with a literal sack of stolen shit on his back, like he's a fucking crook from the 1950's or something) and then a parademon appears and he kills it. So...first of all, was Crazy Steve there for the crook and the parademon just happened to be there? Or was Crazy Steve there for the parademon and he just used the crook? That makes absolutely no sense. Those two things didn't need to be there together. It's a plot contrivance of the highest order.  It was also unnecessary as fuck. You could have just had Crazy Steve on patrol and he saw the demon, caught it, and then it died. After seeing this, the jump from 'hey, a weird alien’ to 'ZOMG WE GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER' is liable to give you fucking whiplash. Crazy Steve immediately jumps to "putting a team together" when he has such little evidence of the calamity, and it's even more absurd since Crazy Steve has NO experience working with a team. At most, Jason Todd existed at some point, but that's it. He doesn't know anything about metahumans aside from maybe what Amanda Waller mentioned to him at the end of the equally abysmal Suicide Squad. Further more, he just starts trying to collect these people without explaining why they should just arbitrarily trust a man they just fucking met who dresses up like a giant fucking bat. I mean, would you? Really? Especially knowing that he tried to kill Superman on incredibly flimsy reasoning? How do you know he won't immediately turn on you if you turn your head and cough and seem like a threat to him? Crazy Steve had no way of knowing aside from Diana that any of these people were stable enough to form a team and try to fight an unknown enemy. It was so rushed. He just whisks them away and doesn't blink at revealing his secret identity to four perfect fucking strangers (though Diana arguably doesn't count; she's much more level-headed and hasn't shown a propensity for losing it at the slightest provocation.)

-There is no team dynamic. At all. It's just a room full of superpowered people. The closest thing to a relationship is between Crazy Steve and Wondy, and even then, they maybe have three whole fucking conversations, and none of them are beyond superficial. It's like the movie was afraid of making an actual development, so it just kept throwing inane quips around in the hopes of distracting you from the fact that there are no characters. The whole reason the Justice League itself as a concept excites me is because you have this room full of colorful personalities with different backgrounds who come together for the common good and want to help mankind and protect the innocent. We don't know barely anyone's motivations because this movie is running off the fumes of a bad sequel. We know Wonder Woman's motivations for the most part, but having the JLA movie before her sequels still leaves a large piece of the mythos missing because we don't know how she adjusted to modern life. We don't know if she lost faith in humanity again or where she stands because we were still in the 1940's when we last saw her. Cyborg's backstory is mentioned, but his motivations are also non-existent. We get the whole "I'm a monster" thing but they immediately move on from any possible origin or explanation of what he's going through and what he wants to do since he's got these abilities but could be seen as a freak to normal people. The Flash also got a driveby explanation, but again, without prior films or history, we basically have to guess what motivates him. I know Barry Allen because I'm a comic book fan, but your average person may not. It's completely unfair to them that you just jump from place to place without explaining how Barry got his speed, why his father's in jail, and why he just jumped at the chance to fight crime despite the fact that he doesn't know how to fucking fight apparently. It's so discourteous to the character to slap him in there and not tell us why. Why does he want to help anyone if he's scared? Why isn't he insanely rich by now from the various ways he could use his speed? And then, fuck me, Aquaman is the worst of the bunch. They make no attempts to explain anything about his background. Who is the red-haired lady? I know it's Mera because again, I am a comic book fan, but the chances that your average moviegoer knows are astronomical, and so they get to sit there completely confused about who she is and what she can do and what she means to Arthur. We don't know why Arthur was just chilling out around that one village and why he gave a single shit about humanity or how he got his powers or just...anything! Anything at all! Other than he's really mouthy and has a nice chest. Look, I might be able to overlook the depressing lack of explanation, but none of these characters bond with each other or have any reasons to care about one another. There are no human aspects to them because the only one so far who has been fully explored as a character aside from Wonder Woman is Crazy Steve. Crazy Steve got some development in BvS, but certainly not enough for you to emotionally connect with him because he was a revenge hungry psychopath in the previous film. The entire fucking point of the League is to see these interesting people butt heads, but then laugh and get along with each other and get ready to protect their home from threats. Here, they're just doing what Crazy Steve tells them to do because...reasons.

-Superman's resurrection. Holy fucking shit. I just spent the last twenty minutes ranting about this to one of my friends. Where do I even start with how goddamn stupid this shit is? It comes out of fucking nowhere. After this hastily slapped together team fights Steppenwolf one time, Crazy Steve in true Crazy Steve fashion decides that we should disgrace the dead and bring Superman back. Crazy Steve has no fucking idea how the Motherbox works. None. He has done no research, he has no knowledge of Kryptonian technology, nor is he at all aware of Darkseid and the New Gods' technology. But he's like, "Nah, bruh, we all suck and we need Superman." As an aside, I am really angry at how this movie is sucking that Kryptonian cock too. How dare you. How dare you imply that these badass heroes who were doing just fine on their own in the comics and animated shows need Superman like he's their fucking babysitter. Maybe if you had established the team dynamic and established the characters, they'd be able to fight better. Crazy Steve took one fucking look at the team that had been together a grand total of like four fucking hours and decided they were all gonna die without Superman's help. It's not only reckless and poorly thought out, it's honestly insulting. It's insulting that Crazy Steve would drag Kal El from heaven (because, for real, it's entirely possible he was in literal paradise and you sorry motherfuckers took him away from his parents and his loved ones of Krypton for your selfish asses) just on the assumption that the team wasn't strong enough. My God. I am just floored by this development in the movie. It pisses me off that the movie just shrugs and acts like it was for the best to spit in the face of God and drag Kal back to earth. Maybe you shouldn't have killed him in the first fucking place, you shitlords. And it's more frustrating to me since in the comics, after DC panicked and wrote in the "regenerative coma" that they didn't just use that instead. I'd be less angry if they introduced the idea that he was never dead to begin with, but in the death-like coma. It's a cop out, but it's better than literally Frankensteining Superman from heaven to fight your fucking battle for you.

-The dialogue is painful. So painful. It is so tacked on. I went to the theater tonight at 3:50pm and I'd say there was maybe 20-25 people in there and they laughed twice. You heard me. Twice. That was an almost two hour movie, and the audience only laughed twice. Hell, I only laughed once, and it was at the end credits scene where Superman jokes that The Flash is off the team if he loses. That was the only genuine line that I heard out of this movie. It's so apparent that the studio was trying to course correct the film away from the drab, hopeless "vision" of Zack Snyder. It doesn't work. The humor misses by a mile because it's just so awkward. These versions of the heroes take themselves way too seriously, or the quips are directed at the wrong characters. Aquaman is introduced pretty much as a dumb dudebro with a devil-may-care attitude. His snarky dialogue is fine, but when you try to have Crazy Steve the focus of a joke, it falls flat since he's a killer and an asshole and the levity doesn't feel right. There's a little tingle on the back of your neck from how awkward it is when someone makes a joke and then there's this awkward silence afterward because the movie assumes you need a minute to laugh. No, movie. No. If you want a joke to land, you need either timing or context. Pointing out the fact that Crazy Steve wears a batsuit isn't inherently funny. You need context. The "I'm rich" line is a better example of a joke that should have landed, but didn't because it was in the trailer. That has context. That is humor. Just having The Flash say things out loud that he sees isn't funny. Having him be awkward around Crazy Steve isn't funny because the two of them don't know each other and Crazy Steve is mostly straight-faced and so the lines slide off of him like dung. Diana is a better example, as she gives off a very warm presence. For example, Cyborg remarking that Diana needed to keep the merman off him almost landed because the two of them have at least held a conversation and so it feels natural that he might finally make a joke around her. It also landed better because Diana is definitely the only one who appears to have a heart. Everything else is just a vain attempt to lighten the mood, but it just clashes with the deadly serious tone everything else is shot with.

-Not explaining the mythology. Jesus Christ. I'm one of those people who believes that you cannot make a film and just sneer at your audience and go, "Oh, just read the comics if you want to know what's going on!" No. You are not allowed to do that. Film is not an add on. In a film, you are charged with telling a comprehensive story with characters who develop and change over the course of their adventure. That is storytelling 101, and this movie utterly fails. It does just like Suicide Squad where it just starts throwing names at you and not telling you who anyone is with the assumption that "only comic book nerds are watching this anyway" or "well, there are only children watching and they don't care to know who everyone is, they just want to see things get smashed." Wrong. You are wrong. We don't know Steppenwolf, we don't know Darkseid, we don't Apocalypse, we don't know Lanterns, we don't know Atlantis, we don't know jackshit as an audience! And yet they just jam all these names down your throat and expect you to be able to pay attention when you have about ninety thousand questions in your head during the course of the fucking movie. Films should find common ground with the audience. Some mystery is good. Throwing in small cameos or references can feel like a nice garnish to the mythology, but this movie just glosses over everything and thinks it's fine. None of this stuff has been established aside from Krypton and Kryptonian technology. You're doing everyone a disservice by refusing to lay the foundation for the villain and the premise of the plot.

-The effects are mostly atrocious. Out of everything I've cited here, this makes the least amount of sense to me. This is WB, for God's sake. Time Warner. You have all the money in the fucking world and this is the best you can do? I mean, the Dark Knight trilogy alone should have you funded for every superhero movie for the next ten years, and yet we get Henry Cavill's Uncanny Valley mouth as a result of the childish fucking dispute over his mustache, we get CGI that looks like it's from the goddamn Spawn movie at times, and then every single thing is shot from an obvious green/blue room that it feels like the fucking Phantom Menace all over again. I never felt like anything they were doing was real. I mean, to me, it felt like the only set in the whole fucking movie was the Batcave. They are so obviously on a soundstage the entire time and none of the backgrounds blend, and they don't even bother with smaller things like having the wind blow or the colors change or the shadows move to trick your brain into accepting the CGI. Oh, and why Digi-Bat? I'm flabbergasted as to why 80% of Crazy Steve's scenes are digital. He's the non-powered team member. Why wasn't it just a stunt guy? Was Ben Affleck really that fat and lazy that he didn't want to do any fight scenes? It was like watching a freaking PlayStation 1 game whenever he fought someone. My guess is that this project got rushed after shooting and reshoots and so instead of going over the effects with a fine toothed comb and adding layers onto them so that the scenes felt real, they just gave up and only touched them up. Now, I'm not talking about things like Cyborg where it was a front and center integrated effect. Even though I still hate his design (to me, he looks like a Black Ken doll head on a Terminator body), I believed he was there and moving around. Aside from him, though? Nah, bruh. I didn't believe anyone was doing anything.

-The fight scenes were worthless. Again, I'm confused as to how this was even logistically possible. Let's recap: we've got a guy who can run faster than the speed of sound,  a dude who can swim on top of Great White Sharks and punch craters into the ocean floor, a kid who has rocket boots and an arm cannon, a woman who can deflect bullets and shoot sonic blasts with her bracelets, a guy who can shoot lasers, fly, use ice breath, run faster than a speeding bullet, and is stronger than anything ever, and lastly a man who knows every martial arts style known to man on top of having a belt with endless nifty gadgets on it. Put that all together. You should be shitting amazing fight scenes, and yet everything last one of them was bland and forgettable. The true lack of passion in the film is what is on display with these boring fight scenes. It's so repetitive. Aquaman throws his pitchfork. Wondy swings her sword or hits her bracelets together. Batman swings. Flash runs and pushes. Superman punches. That's it. Are you fucking kidding me? I can name about a thousand different cool scenarios that we could have seen with these unique powers, and yet we saw the same moves with no creativity to them. Want an example? I personally thought the Wonder Woman movie was just okay, but I at least commend them for using her agility and her invulnerability properly to create excellent visuals for how powerful and capable she is. She smashes. She grabs and throws and uses combat techniques that a warrior race would know. It is very clear when she fights that someone gave a shit and wanted to make you feel like you were a part of the action and to give you something stunning to look at. Granted, I wasn't stunned because I've seen better, but if Wonder Woman had come out in the 90's before I had seen better, then it would have blown my socks off. The JLA movie's fight scenes are tired as hell and like the movie itself, it feels like they are just checking shit off a list. It's an afterthought. There's so little effort involved, and it matches the overall tired tone I was getting out of it all. I want to believe in these heroes. I want to be dazzled by them. I want to be inspired by them. I want the feeling I used to get when I watched the Nolan trilogy--where I knew Bruce Wayne as a character and as a person and I knew his limitations and his passion and his drive, but I also know how and when he was gonna kick some ass and that I was going to be able to enjoy the different creative ways I got to watch him kick some ass. Justice League does not have any of that vigor or wonder or splendor to its fight scenes. They are as thoughtless and calculated as the rest of the movie felt. You want examples? Pop in the first few episodes of the Justice League animated series. I implore you to sit down and watch the way that the team came together, even though we had the history of Batman and Superman previously. Then I want you to move forward to Justice League Unlimited. Watch those. Watch how they use their powers and personalities to not only provide fun, colorful, exciting fight sequences, but how the chemistry between the team members enhances the urgency of the fight and the overall enjoyment of the fight. That's what this movie is missing.

I can write another five pages' worth of criticism, but when I boil everything down to a single point it is this--the Justice League movie is a rushed, soulless attempt to cash in by manipulating the fans into accepting the massive lowering of their standards in our post-Dark Knight Trilogy years of DC/WB.

And I am begging the fans who have done this, accepted this movie and put on blinders to its problems simply because you love DC and you want to say that they made a good movie, please stop it.

I'm not saying you're wrong for enjoying it. If you did, good for you. But what I want you to do is stop letting them play you in this fashion. Because that's what they're doing. They know your heart. They know you have characters that you love that you want to see on the silver screen because they are important to you for whatever reason, and so you are purposely ignoring massive flaws so that you can enjoy what they are sloppily slapping into your eyeballs. I'm saying that you deserve the effort. You are worth the effort of making a movie worthy of these heroes we all love so much. I just want you to know that. You deserve a movie where everyone has a storyline and is developed. You deserve a storyline where the plot makes sense and the team has chemistry and a reason to be a team in the first place. Don't lower your standards so that this movie glides above them. Hold it to the right standards and demand that they do better next time. Don't give them a passing grade. You do have other options. You have the animated films, you have the television shows, you have comic books by the bucketload, and you can make a difference and demand that the filmmakers do these characters justice (cue rimshot) by telling them that this movie is a disappointment and refraining from going to see it again or from buying the DVD. Money talks. Hollywood will laugh off reviews, but that box office shock gets them every time. After all, even though the jokes were last second and tacked on, the fact that we all hated BvS made them change something to try to course correct. You did that. You made a difference. And you can do it again. You can help force them to give you the movie you deserve. You should want that. You should want that for yourself and I want that for you as well.

So if you gotta fight me, fight me. Fine. I'll rebutt you to the ends of the earth if you feel the need to go that far. I'm not trying to trash a thing you love. I love it too and I want them to put some fucking effort into these films and make them as amazing as they should be.

Until that time...I guess come at me, bro.

#Justice League #Justice League movie #Zack Snyder #rant #movie review #film review

[greed-the-dorkalicious]

What is your rank of the Jojo OPs?

Oooooh, that’s tough. It’s hard to rank them because Jojo openings are kind of different from your standard “song by some popular band set to formulaic generic cool anime shots”, so like, music-wise I like Bloody Stream but Sono Chi no Kioku is cooler as an opening for example... How about instead of ranking them from best to worst, I’ll critique them all instead! I’ll put it under a cut because this gets long.

Sono Chi no Sadame

Music: ★★★★☆ - It’s really good, and Tommy’s singing is always great because you can always tell he’s having lots of fun. That being said, it’s a little bit of an acquired taste. If someone who normally listens to pop music put on Sono Chi no Sadame in front of someone who doesn’t know Jojo, that other person would probably be very confused and might not like it. (As a side note, depending on my mood I sometimes prefer the metal version from the anthology CDs, but they’re both so good...)

Animation: ★★★☆☆ - It’s pretty cool, and I love the use of manga panels especially the split second where you can see Jolyne. It’s very well synced with the music, like the part where they shoot Dio? Holy shit dude... I also like the part where Dio walks up the wall. That being said, the stage feels a little cramped, and since this was the first of the 3D Jojo openings it’s not quite as polished as the others. I feel like the models look a little weird at times, and I’m not so fond of the shade of teal used for Jonathan near the end...

Jojolity (to borrow the term from EoH): ★★★★★ I would have honestly ranked this one a little lower, but I mean, come on. It’s Sono Chi no Sadame. It’s iconic! While the lyrics don’t have as many direct references to the series as some of the other openings, I like the frequent references to the Joestar legacy (both in the lyrics and at the beginning of the animation). And as I mentioned, Tommy’s singing is so fun it’s infectious. Plus this opening deserves a whole extra star just for the iconic “JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJO!”

Bloody Stream

Music: ★★★★☆ - This is definitely one of my favorite Jojo openings, but again, it’s a little weird compared to most anime music. It’s not as energetic as Sono Chi no Sadame, and the lyrics aren’t all that imo. The bridge (or whatever, you know the “kyoumei suru / unmei no hamon / kokoro ni) part is kind of weird tbh. But still, I really like this one.

Animation: ★★★★★ - I absolutely love the visuals on this one. I love the Battle Tendency aesthetic in general, and this opening practically oozes that aesthetic. The way they combined 2D and 3D is really cool, and I love the use of color, patterns, and silhouettes. The typography is really cool too! I love that while it does manage to incorporate some story elements like the other openings, it’s mostly at the end, and overall it’s a lot more abstract and focused on the main characters as individuals. I also really love the beginning, with Joseph kind of walking onto the scene and getting ready to show off, like it’s his turn now! Welcome to part 2! However, with  all this being said, why the thing with Lisa Lisa... why. I’m so tired of Jojo fanservice moms.

Jojolity: ★★★★☆ - This is a great opening that, while certainly different from the others and not as connected with the series as a whole, couldn’t suit part 2 better. It’s not just another Jojo opening, you watch this one and you KNOW it’s Battle Tendency. There’s a lot of fitting use of patterns and motifs in the animation- stars and the manga’s “JOJO” for Joseph, plus the brief foreshadowing of Hermit Purple, then for Lisa Lisa we’ve got some swirls and ripples, and Caesar has the Zeppeli family checkerboard/harlequin pattern. And of course, the blood bubble, the bandana, and the scream at the end are fantastic(ly painful).

Stand Proud

Music: ★★☆☆☆ - It’s good, but it doesn’t really stand out among the other Jojo songs. It’s a lot more generic sort of sound, like a normal anime opening. Even as a song on its own, I don’t think it’s especially noteworthy. Maybe that’s just personal taste though. That being said, I like the lyrics a lot! And I don’t know if everyone realizes this in English, but the “alright now, alright now, alright now” part is pronounced in Japanese like “ora now, ora now, ora now”, so it’s kind of a neat pun, even if I feel like it sounds better when it’s pronounced closer to English. (You’ll notice the “ora” a lot more if you listen to that one clip of Daisuke Ono singing it.)

Animation: ★★★★★ - This is the third of the CGI openings, and the experience shows. The models are a lot smoother and nicer looking than the first two openings, imo. The camera angles are pretty cool, and it manages to have a good blend of overall story scenes with more character-focused, “cool factor” type visuals. The colors are nice, the space theme is really cool, and my favorite part is the bit where Jotaro’s kneeling at the bottom of a sort of Joestar family tree.

Jojolity: ★★★★★ - While this is not my personal favorite opening, the animation and the song do a fantastic job of living up to the series. Part 3 imo is sort of the “big finale” of Jojo (even if it’s only the third of eight parts, it’s one of if not the most popular, and sort of the culmination of the Joestars vs. Dio rivalry), and Stand Proud- both in animation and music- is suitably badass, as well as connected to Jojo as a whole. There’s a lot of references to the Joestar legacy, both in the lyrics and a lot of visuals that literally show past Joestars and lead up to Jotaro taking his place in the spotlight and carrying on the family destiny. There’s also some pretty cool references to manga art.

Sono Chi no Kioku

Music: ★★★★★ - There’s really no term to describe it other than “grand”. It’s almost orchestral or like an opera, very dramatic and cinematic in a way, but still has a rock style to it as well. The use of a heartbeat-like sound at the beginning is cool. The lyrics are great, and I love that not only is it sung by the singers of the previous three openings, but if you listen to the full version, in the bridge they all make references to their respective openings (”The destiny of light and darkness” “the swirling history is bloody” “an inheritance of undying pride”). And of course, my favorite part is where they yell “STAAAAAAAAAR PLATINUMMMM!”

Animation: ★★★★★ - I don’t have too much to say about this one, since it’s pretty much the same quality as Stand Proud, but it’s also full of little blink-and-you-miss-them details and foreshadowing; You can actually briefly see stylized examples of how every character dies, and if you watch very, very carefully during the shot with Jotaro frozen in time, the finger on his right hand twitches. I like the bit on the stairs with the Egyptian god silhouettes, and the broken clock motif is also really cool, while at the same time it ties in with the space theme of Stand Proud.

Jojolity: ★★★★★★★ - This, to me, is the ultimate Jojo opening. It’s so dramatic, so part 3, so very Jojo, and in a lot of ways it really is the culmination of everything that came before it. The animation and the music are both fantastic. Then on top of all that we have the unforgettable “ZA WARUDO” edition, which to this day is absolutely the coolest thing I have ever seen any anime opening do, by far. Sono Chi no Kioku is absolutely perfect for the end of part 3 and does a great job of embodying “This is it, everything has been leading up to this, this is the final resolution of 100 years of Dio tormenting the Joestars, this is where it all goes down.” I love this opening so much and I don’t know if any anime opening will ever live up to it, for me.

Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town

Music: ★★★★☆ - Dude, this one gets stuck in my head SO easily. It’s a lot of fun.

Animation: ★★★☆☆ - It’s really unimpressive after the amazing CGI openings, and doesn’t even have as much movement as most anime openings. But the colors are really fun, and it definitely shows of Morioh, with scenery from all over town as well as montages of Morioh’s residents.

Jojolity: ★★★☆☆ - It’s just pretty disappointing compared to the first four openings. It doesn’t have nearly the same level of dramatic action, nor as many references to the actual story. It’s much more mellow. Overall, it feels less like a story about Jojo, and more like a random dance party. However, one might argue that that’s perfect for part 4; with no more vampires and a protagonist who wasn’t raised as a Joestar, part 4 has much less to do with Jojo overall than the previous three parts, and is a lot more slice-of-life, so a Morioh dance party makes sense. I’ll also say that I do genuinely like Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town, and both the music and the animation remind me a lot of Bloody Stream. I’m not sure if that was intentional or not, but either way, I feel like it’s a great homage to the fact that Josuke is Joseph’s son.

Chase

Music: ★☆☆☆☆ - While I like the song itself decently enough, it’s even more generic than Stand Proud, and the only direct references to the series in the lyrics are the use of the word “arrow” in two lines. Also, the singer doesn’t sound especially passionate, and holy shit dude take a cough drop. You’re killing me here. I’d actually like this song if I could stand the singing at all.

Animation: ★★★☆☆ - It’s much more drab than Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town, but it does have a lot more action and movement to it, and more references to the story. I like the Killer Queen emblem thing, too. I feel like at times it’s not very well synced with the lyrics. However, Reimi is in it, so there’s that. I love you Reimi

Jojolity: ★★☆☆☆ - It just doesn’t feel like a Jojo opening. Jojo should be weird, fun, colorful, fashionable, and Chase just... isn’t. It’s dull. It’s generic. Where are the funky trumpets? Fun patterns and colors? Keywords like “stand” or “destiny” dropped into the lyrics? There are none. If you replaced the characters, you could use this as an opening for Death Note. A Jojo opening should be very unique to Jojo. That being said, at least the darkness of both the music and the animation are very fitting for the horror of knowing that Kira is out there somewhere, and it’s cool how they throw in things like the fingernails or the Killer Queen emblem as if he’s watching everyone.

Great Days

Music: ★★★★☆ - Now THIS is a Jojo opening. It’s no Sono Chi no Sadame, but it’s fun, hopeful, and has plenty of references to the story. Not to mention that right of the bat, it incorporates the main theme from the OST, which is awesome.

Animation: ★★★★☆ - Again, it doesn’t live up to the CGI openings, but it’s got some cool angles and such. There’s a nice balance of plot-appropriate darkness and Jojo fashion aesthetic, and it shows off the town and also includes story elements. There’s some cool emblems and poses, too. Not to mention that Reimi is right at the forefront of this opening! I love you Reimi

Jojolity: ★★★★☆ - Like Sono Chi no Kioku, this one definitely has a sort of “penultimate” feeling, especially due to the use of the main theme. It’s really fun and suited to both the part 4 finale and Jojo as a whole, and the pointing pose is straight out of the manga. And then of course we’ve got the “Bites the Dust” version, like The World and Sono Chi no Kioku. Great Days is perfect for the end of part 4.

#nerdy-nonbinary #Asks

[returnerofthesky]

why do you hate skyrim so much, anyway?

To be honest, I don’t… “hate” Skyrim, per-say? Hate’s too strong a word for any game for me, and even then Skyrim isn’t necessarily a terrible game despite how much I dislike it.

Which probably sounds weird, but that’s just me; most games that I dislike aren’t just plain old bad games. I don’t have an emotional dislike of, say, Bubsy, or Superman 64, or so on. They’re shit games, but there’s nothing particularly redeemable about them. They might have had potential, but it’s more conceptual, rather than being very flawed games with some good ideas (like Gates to Infinity, or Super Mystery Dungeon to a lesser extent).

Anyway, to get back to the question, the reason I don’t like Skyrim is because it feels creatively bankrupt.

To steal a quote from Super Bunnyhop, it’s hard to get engaged in Skyrim when every character feels like the most boring character, when every quest feels like the most boring quest, when every dungeon feels like the most boring crawl… you get the idea. To me it feels like every single time Bethesda had the opportunity to do something creative or interesting in Skyrim or its DLCs, they took the easiest, most boring route possible instead, even though it actively hurts the game’s appeal. And it’s very telling that what I consider to be the two most interesting quests in the game (the murder mystery in Windhelm and the peace treaty in the main story) are also two of the buggiest quests in the game.

Like, vampires in Skyrim are a good example of what I’m talking about. There’s a book in the previous games about a vampire hunter and a scholar (actually a vampire) advising him, and he describes Skyrim vampires as having breath that could freeze the blood inside of you, as well as actually living underneath frozen lakes and being able to reach up through the ice, grab people, and drag them under to feed. That’s not only a fascinating (and grim) concept, but an incredibly cool idea for a snow-based vampire.

Now granted, that’s a fairly dynamic idea, and it’d be hard to implement in Skyrim (especially given they never bothered to add underwater combat), so while I could criticize them for that, I won’t. What I will criticize is the fact that they didn’t even try to make the best approximation of that idea, instead opting to make vampires into slightly tweaked and reskinned bandits/draugr/etc etc.

Like, it wouldn’t need to be exactly like the idea presented in the book, but imagine this: vampires spawn in this invisible, walk-through-able state and have a circle that activates them. Once you walk in and out of that circle, an “invisibility spell wears off” animation plays and they properly spawn, body, weapons and all. Then, they aggro and you might get ambushed if you weren’t being careful. It’s not exactly like the book, but it’s close enough, and since the rest of the game’s enemies are so samey it’d be a nice change of pace.

There’s so many elements that are lacking that it’s very easy to sense the hand of the devs making out exactly what you can and can’t do, despite the whole TES brand emphasizing freedom. It’s obvious that you can’t do absolutely anything (well, at least it was obvious until Breath of the Wild came out), but Skyrim is especially bad at locking you out or not considering other options.

You can’t double-cross or double-deal in the Civil War aside from one single part that basically is the last chance for you to decide your faction. Being a thief is basically useless unless you join the guild, because the Fence perk for Speech doesn’t unlock until the skill is almost max. Conversations in general are far less varied and open-ended than before, meaning speech checks are few and far between as is. Stealth is only really useful for sneak-attacking, since most dungeons aren’t designed to be stealthed through completely. Most of the game’s “puzzles” are those simple match-the-symbol ones, and there isn’t anything particular brain-teasing or dynamic compared to even Oblivion.

I mean, even dragons have this issue. Anyone ever try fighting a dragon without any ranged options? It’s hell. And boring. And oh, oh so bland.

Similarly, like I mentioned, the quests themselves are incredibly bland. I’ve already seen plenty of posts on here throughout the years about how even the most mundane, non-combat-sounding quests usually end up with “please go to this dungeon full of Draugr and get my thing”, but it really is that bad. Most of the quests in Skyrim are either being sent to a dungeon to deal with the incredibly mediocre combat, or you get a vague, completely unashamed fetch quest.

A lot of this is tied to the Miscellaneous quest option, which is basically the game’s way of saying “we whipped up a quick, shitty quest in an hour or two, have fun”. In Riften alone, there’s at least seven or eight Misc quests that essentially amount to “I need you to find me some items, please”:

Finding ten fire salts for the blacksmith

Getting a sword and bringing it to its owner at the castle

Finding alchemy ingredients for the alchemy shop’s apprentice

Finding some gemstones and other items for a jeweler

Finding some gemstones for a bartender’s unfinished wedding ring

Finding ice wraith teeth for a lady to preserve her

Going to another big city to deliver a dagger

Going to a small village to pick up some ore and bring it back

And there’s very little proper “masking” to make these quests seem more interesting. The two quests that I didn’t include that are still fetch quests are a quest about mead being stolen (actually smuggled out at lower prices, which you can partake in or tell to the guards), and a quest about a Dunmer raised by Argonians who wants to find out more about his real parents (which is at least vaguely interesting in and of itself, due to the general relationship between Dunmer and Argonians and all that).

It isn’t just the Misc quests that suffer from this, though. Most of the writing is flawed, bland, or otherwise retreading old ground already, and a lot of it suffers from huge pacing issues. The main quest seems to expect that you’re not going to get distracted, so all of the “urgent” situations it sets up fall flat.

The Fighters Guild recruits you, has you do one proper quest where you find out that they’re werewolves, do one more radiant quest and suddenly they decide that you’re important enough to become a werewolf too. Not that “you know so you might as well”, but that you’ve actually done enough work (two quests worth, oh boy) to merit it (also you’re forced to become a werewolf even if you don’t want to). The Dark Brotherhood essentially does the same Oblivion story of a traitor in the guild over again, except with less interesting characters and less personal stake in the goings-on.

And the quests that aren’t tied to guilds aren’t really that much better, save for maybe a handful that I can’t even think of off the top of my head. It’s lazy, messy, and boring. It’s not completely, utterly terrible or full of plotholes, it’s passable at its best, but it’s still not terribly thought-provoking. I mean, thinking about it is what made me realize it’s not that good, so.

Perhaps more damning than any of this though, is that the gameplay itself is so boring. It’s already kind of an issue that Skyrim has iffy writing in a genre that generally needs to have semi-decent writing most of the time, but its gameplay isn’t really interesting enough to pick up the slack, either.

Admittedly, this problem goes back deeper than just Skyrim - even back during the Morrowind days, people were complaining about the combat due to how you could walk up to enemies and attack or use a spell, and you’d miss even though you’re standing right next to them. People still complain to this day about how confusing the combat is for an action-RPG.

But the problem with that logic is that Morrowind isn’t an action-RPG, it’s a proper old CRPG, more along the lines of Baldur’s Gate or Icewind Dale. You might be moving in first-person with the WASD keys and so on, but make no mistake that its core gameplay is far more in line with how the older isometric RPGs played, right down to standing right next to an enemy and missing your swings even though the animation played. When you view the game this way, most of its design decisions make a lot more sense.

Unfortunately, that never really registered (again, people still say Morrowind’s an action-RPG), so Oblivion changed things to have some sorta-kinda action-RPG combat. They didn’t rebalance the rest of the RPG elements (how to level up, level scaling, etc) to compensate, though, but instead of tweaking everything to work more naturally in Skyrim, they just removed all of the RPG elements entirely except for the Health/Magicka/Stamina thing.

Of course, that results in another problem: if the game is going to lean so hard on its action elements instead of its RPG elements… why not just play a better action game? Like, Skyrim’s combat is nothing to write home about. Oblivion’s wasn’t great, but at least it was faster and you could attack while jumping and swimming. Skyrim’s is just slow and clunky, and lacking in depth unless you actively choose to add it in.

The perks system is what ties into the combat problems the most. The issue is that the combat actually does have a small bit of depth and quality of life improvements… if you pick the perks that activate them. There’s two main screws with this, the first one being that due to how the level scaling works, you’re better off choosing the perks that just upgrade the raw damage you deal. Since even the most basic enemies slowly become health sponges, the fancy perks usually aren’t as helpful when it comes to actually defeating them.

The other screw is that these upgrades are even perks in the first place. While some abilities are understandable (like the one that sometimes replaces a normal cinematic kill with a decapitation), the ones that alter your power attacks to have extra effects have absolutely no business being optional when the combat is already as shallow as it is. If these tweaks to the power attacks had been default abilities, the perk trees could have been changed or expanded to capitalize on the differences between each kind of attack. On top of this, the choice between maces, axes and swords could have been more significant, rather than simply being minor differences in speed and power.

I know there are more abilities and special things you can do with the dragon shouts, of course, but between having to fight through dungeons in order to get those shouts, and then kill a dragon for a soul to unlock it, it’s usually too much of a pain in the ass to be worth it. Forget going out of my way to get Throw Voice - why not just give me a Noisemaker Arrow or something and be done with it?

The unfortunate thing is that despite all these issues, the combat is still generally just okay at best, so it can be hard sometimes to complain about it. But when the entire game is focused almost entirely around this combat, with almost no quest or gameplay variety to speak of, the only way it could be really seen as “good” by any stretch is by people who haven’t played other, better games.

But anyway… uh, yeah. tl;dr: I don’t like Skyrim because even though it’s incredibly safe and boring to play… it’s incredibly safe and boring to play.

Like, it’s oddly depressing to hash all this out because I really was excited for Skyrim six years ago, and I did genuinely enjoy it at first. Hell, despite all these problems I’ve still probably put way too many hours into it than I really should have. But nowadays, it just doesn’t feel that interesting. Oblivion, Morrowind, Daggerfall, and ESO are all much, much better games, and even though they have their flaws, they have a lot more interesting ups, as well. Morrowind is all-around an excellent CRPG, Daggerfall is an incredibly interesting roguelikey experience, Oblivion generally has better atmosphere and more quest variety, ESO has great combat and writing, albeit at the expense of stealth and some puzzles.

Skyrim... I dunno. Skyrim is stuck somewhere between being an average game and an undercooked one, and that really eats at me because I know that the franchise can do better. I didn’t even discuss a lot of the other problems I have with the game, just the major ones. But considering that Fallout 4 has a lot of the same issues, but even worse... I worry for what the next entry in the series might be, if it’s handled by Bethesda proper.

#elder scrolls #skyrim #Anonymous

[brianjaeger]

2019 Academy Award Best Picture Nominees Guide For Those Who Haven’t Actually Watched Them

It’s the 91st time Hollywood comes together to pat themselves on the back and this year marks the 5th time I’m bringing you the rundown of every Best Picture nominee so that you aren’t the “goddamn idiot” someone at your Oscars party is referring to when they ask, “Who invited this goddamn idiot?” Only, as in 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015 and 2014  (check out the hyperlinks for previous years’ rundowns - and likely some jokes that don’t age very well) - this is all based on the name of the film, the poster for the movie, or things I’ve heard while flipping past Extra or E! So take it all in and enjoy my tips on things to say to other guests so that your party has an ending that is more like Ally’s and less like Jackson’s!

Black Panther

After Creed loses in embarrassing fashion to Ivan Drago’s son, he tats up, grows that hair out, and heads to outer space. After landing on a planet right between the planet from Avatar and Naboo, pissy Creed picks a fight with a space prince who was bit by a radioactive space panther in the movie that had audiences saying, “I bet Forest Whitaker is in this movie. How is Forest Whitaker not in this movie? I’m honestly shocked that Forest Whitaker is not...oh, yup, there he is.”

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

A little insider Easter egg here - Wakanda backwards spells Adnakaw, which happens to be the name of Thor and Loki’s OTHER brother who is going to save everyone in Avengers: Endgame. He’ll be played by...Forest Whitaker.

In a deleted scene, Black Panther’s brother, The Pink Panther, visits to check out the Wakandan castle’s attic and then installs fiberglass insulation.

Spike Lee really turned the super hero movie genre on its head with this didn’t he? (Pause.) Oh. That was...um...oh, well um... (Slowly walk backward out of the room and do not return.)

BlacKkKlansman

The Chapelle’s Show’s first skit-to-feature length film gives the big screen treatment to the story of Clayton Bigsby. Based on the success of this film, 2019 also saw the big screen adaptation of The Chapelle’s Show’s “What Men Want” skit to a movie starring Taraji P. Henson. In 2020, anticipate a feature length Rick James biopic, a Playa Hater’s Ball film, and “Game, Blouses: The Movie”.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This film marks Ricky Jerret’s first acting role after he was cut from the Miami Dolphins by Charles Greane - who he thought was his friend - for his use of PEDs.

This film holds the distinction of having the highest number of different spellings on social media - just barely edging out Bohemian Rhapsody and The Favourite (well, in America).

Reggie Miller purchased a seat in the front row of the Oscars and is planning to wear a The Favourite jersey and baseball cap, then spend the entire show heckling Spike Lee and screaming, “See?! How does it feel the other way around?!”

Bohemian Rhapsody

Bohemian Rhapsody is a French film with a title that can be loosely translated into English as “The Sassy Singing Lad With The Donkey Snout”. 

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Freddie Mercury wasn’t his first choice for a stage name? It was actually Fred Mercury.

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Brian May wasn’t his first choice for a stage name? It was actually Brian February.

A bit of trivia for you. Did you know that Queen’s first band name was actually Princess and they didn’t become Queen until they married Prince...and enjoyed a Purple Reign? Yup - I will show myself out now.

The Favourite

Rain droups on rouses! This perioud piece stars Oulivia Coulman, Emma Stoune, Joue Alwyn and Nichoulas Holt! It’s abot a grop of people in the contry of England that’s two hors long and y will find fabulos! 

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

This is the movie about a Queen that doesn’t end with an AIDS diagnosis...I think.

Wigs and bodices accounted for 48% of the film’s budget.

The film’s title has nothing to do with the plot or characters and is instead a sly attempt to influence the outcome of the Academy of Motion Pictures and Sciences members’ voting.

Green Book

In this sexual thriller, we see the raw, animal side of Kermit the Frog as he provides details from his Little Green Book of every single Muppet he’s fucked. With an original working title of Fifty Shades of Green, we’ll see how Miss Piggy was at first a mousy and demure fill-in interviewer whose sexual spirit was awakened by Kermit’s dominant yet mesmerizing magnetism. Kermit also does some butt stuff with Bunsen Honeydew and gets down group style with all of The Electric Mayhem.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

There’s an odd cameo halfway through the movie where Mahershala Ali enters a gas station on the road and encounters a man in his late 20′s/early 30′s who says in a southern drawl, “I’m Stephen Dorff and I’m your partner,” then another Stephen Dorff, this one in his 40′s limps up and says, “And I’m Stephen Dorff. I’m also your partner,” then finally an old drunk one in his 70′s hobbles up and says, “I’m Stephen Dorff and I too am your partner!”

Mahershala Ali generally tried to avoid Viggo Mortensen, who continually would run up saying, “Dude, Mahersh! We have to get matching tattoos of the number two - for the two of us to commemorate this journey that we’re on together. It’s what you do with your cast mates!” When Mahershala would decline but say it was nice what Viggo and the cast of the Lord of the Rings trilogy did together, Viggo would walk off grumbling, “Hidalgo got a tattoo with me...”

*Before the next comment - be sure to do a thorough research on Google and on social media to determine the prevailing public opinion of if Green Book is a remarkable cinematic achievement faithful to the story of Don Shirley and Tony Vallelonga’s relationship and an examination of the complicated issue of race and its impact on friendship and business OR if it’s just another white savior movie before you speak, so that you can make sure that you’re aligned with whatever is currently the popular thing to say at that moment in time about this movie. Then say...

Ahem. This is the same director who wrote and directed a scene in Movie 43 where Hugh Jackman is on a blind date with Kate Winslet and has prosthetic testicles hanging under his neck which go into her mouth - and that’s, like, it.

Roma

Set in a world with no color, this movie is about a bunch of people (mostly children) hugging on a beach who may or may not be related to each other, may or may not be involved in some kind of national tragedy in either Italy or Mexico, and may or may not be sick, dying, sad or overcome with joy. I honestly have no clue on this one. But it IS on Netflix.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert: 

They say that Alfonso Cuarón painted a realistic picture of his childhood in Roma which is the exact same tactic he employed in making Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Netflix forced Cuarón to cross promote other Netflix titles throughout the film, so there is an odd scene in which Cleo’s son meets his Big Mouth Hormone Monster to talk about masturbation and then later on the family enters The Upside Down (or Al Revés de Abajo). Also, every single cast member gets a stand-up comedy special.

Yalitza Martínez plays a housekeeper here and after this star-making turn, she’s got it MAID!

A Star Is Born

Jackson Maine wants to create a star. But after consulting a high school astronomy textbook, he learns that the only way that a star is truly born is to squeeze atoms of light elements under enough pressure for their nuclei to undergo fusion. He closes the book and says, “To hell with that science shit,” then gets drunk and just hires Lady Gaga to write a song that sounds like she’s a child screaming at her mom to watch her do a dive at the community pool.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

As a first-time singer, Bradley Cooper devoted countless hours over several months in order to unlock the instrument of his voice to become a mostly-inoffensive singer. As a first-time director, Bradley Cooper bought one of those chairs with “Director” on it.

Bradley Cooper refused to urinate for the duration of filming until the big Grammy’s scene so it played better on film. He did poop a lot during filming though.

The young actress from Eighth Grade is already planning her Oscar bait remake of A Star Is Born to come out in 2043 where SHE plays the aging star and enters a romance with a young male singer played by Boy from Bird Box.

Vice

As the DC Comics universe continues to expand, we finally get the origin story of Batman arch nemesis and super villain, The Penguin.

3 Things To Casually Inject Into Conversation To Prove You Saw The Movie And Sound Like An Expert:

Unable to shake his Saturday Night Live roots, Adam McKay decided to insert a scene late in the movie where - unannounced - the real Dick Cheney walks in to surprised applause from the audience and Christian Bale acts flustered before stammering out that it is an honor to meet him. Cheney pauses for the awkward “oh my god, can you believe this” murmur to die down in the audience and then stiffly delivers, “You know, Christian, you could have just worn a fat suit for this role.” The audience erases all memory of the terrible atrocities that the man has committed during his lifetime and erupts into wild clapping and bark-laughing like seals while Christian and the rest of the cast just have to hand it to the guy for being such a good sport about it all.

Dick Cheney is just happy that A Star Is Born is in the field this year so that in defiance of Vice he also doesn’t have to root for any movies about gay guys, black people, immigrants, or foreigners.

While watching the film, Laura Bush continually had to remind a startled and frightened George W. that no, he was not trapped up in the big movie screen.

#oscars

[geek-gem]

Sonic Movie Franchise Concepts

This.......I've been wanting to make this yet I'm nervous. Including I discarded the intro making the first time. Yet just I feel this needs to be made. But I was thinking DeviantArt or Tumblr first. Then I thought maybe Tumblr cause I'm a bit more popular here. I'm gonna say this all of this is mainly a parody yet I'm wanting to be honest. The whole Sony Sonic movie 2018 gets to me and the fact I've thought of ideas for a franchise. I'm really wanting to share stuff like quotes and synopsises which are explaining what the story is in a short way you know. I was really inspired but I did not want to rip off this persons funny picture thing with Kevin Fiege and Zack Snyder. Let me say I really like both of them, I like both MCU and the DCEU. They are both not perfect and mainly...this is a parody thing but it's me being honest. Including with myself. I'm thinking yeah copying this and putting it on DeviantArt. So let's get started. GeekGemCorduroy: "Hey there I'm GeekGemCorduroy, and I'm a Sonic fan with ideas and concepts of how I feel about the Sonic The Hedgehog series as a film franchise that's questionable yet good intentions of being great as best it needs to be" Serious side of GeekGem: "umm okay nice start a bit questionable like you said" GeekGemCorduroy: "I have no history in film making, or even being involved yet I've learned some things and keep thinking ideas that I feel would work. Also I hate Studio interference bullshit yet I really wanna make the best movies possible and hope the make the greatest video game movies ever made" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "Worrisome yet it's just ideas and the intentions are there and they are great. Yet wait you said movies wait I understand and you want to say more of more great video game movies" GeekGemCorduroy: "I've been a Sonic fan my entire life. Even at times I feel silly of myself yet I really like the franchise cause it seriously means a lot to me. The concept of a movie is a serious thing cause like what people say movies are more accessible to everyone and you need to do a damn good job. When it comes to my films I wanna remain authentic and true to the meaning of the characters and why people liked them. Along with making necessary changes to the characters story and looks to fit with how where going. Yet also I wanna make them badass everyone's a BADASS! Yet also give them depth. Including to characters I feel need depth cause I want to make them more interesting. Make everyone deep as best and much as you can or some what, more emotion so people can take it serious like how I do. Make the stories on a epic scale in a way" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "okay...just asking are these films live action or animated okay you wanna be animated. Including that's all really good. Yet I feel you need to remember even if Sonic has had serious stories it depends of how it's written. You are making a movie or movies about a blue hedgehog who runs very fast that destroys robots. You need to be careful" GeekGemCorduroy: "Realism hmm kind of weird yet imagine how the world would react to animals with God like powers, they take it seriously yet question why do they looks like cartoons and shit. Also don't worry theirs color cause color makes thing stand out. Product placement haven't thought of much I mainly wanna create knock off parody versions of places like restaurants, and not reference any other media thing in case of weird crossover. But I think I want some Pizza Hut, McDonald's, Target, Me N Ed's, and Little Cesar's Pizza product placement, that's the good shit. Sure yeah but I don't wanna put it in your face it's a little thing it's just there, we don't wanna make it too distracting" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "......that's mainly good yet I'm questioning the final part of that. He's right about product placement" GeekGemCorduroy: "I wanna tackle certain themes and story. Such as we need more positivity in the world, having the courage to stand up to opposers, family being important and how far would you go, that at times you may need help. Developing relationships between characters cause that makes the world more believable and you care about characters. Yet I also want people to react to a God like beings which are at times animals, and robots, along with other things. Including literally Sonic going to a court hearing and official's questioning do we need a Sonic The Hedgehog which makes him question himself and it honestly breaks him. Also in the same movie people realize we need a hedgehog to save our asses but help him too in the same movie where he's dealing with the God Of Destruction in his perfect form. Also robots questioning their life such as Metal Sonic who at times in my fan fiction ideas has had thought about commiting suicide cause his whole purpose in life and how he is and depressing, yet that's revealed in a Metal Sonic spin off comic if Archie Comics can do it. Also themes like corruption like Eggman or Robotnik named in this universe Eggman's an insult mainly by Sonic and others, that Eggman has the power that he's friends with certain powerful people. Including give a brutal comeback to these people then realize you'll be worse then them. Also Shadow and Chaos realizing the world has changed and not to stereotype cause they focus all of their anger in one thing. Chaos is a bit more simple, yet Shadow is more deep, cause he doesn't wanna let go of Maria and is straight up helping the plan go forth, getting the footage of Gerald's exucation, playing it for the world, GUN doesn't destroy the ARK in case if they wanna destroy a hostile country. I really don't like governments, Shadow knows what he's doing and to change his mind he almost kills somebody who found tapes of what happened 50 years ago. Including when Shadow see's other trying to protect this character he realizes the monster he's been wanting to destroy. He has PTSD and is mentally ill. Seriously he doesn't like to cry and hearing the name Maria said by someone else unless it's him or Gerald get him upset. It's genius and emotional also fixing plotholes makes it better too! Also the idea Shadow along with Sonic but it's mainly Shadow saves the planet, gets stabbed, they think he's killed including he falls to the Earth. People legit make a statue of him in memory cause he sacrificed himself. It's deep just like Metal Sonic having Sonic's memories freaking out and asking why Sonic said Amy, Super Sonic fighting but also talking to Chaos that the world's changed, also E-102 Gamma at Station Square too deciding if he should live or release the bird, and Amy and Metal Sonic see Gamma blow his face off with a gun releasing the Flicky. Along with Metal Sonic giving a Chaos Emerald to Sonic realizing robots like him can think beyond his Ai it inspires and the world needs more positivity. It's serious yet meaningful. The themes are strong here man" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "......that first part was good but the rest.....I understand Sonic Adventure 2 was dark, just.....that's a bit ummm extreme okay not really. People are gonna question that a bit I understand wanting a deeper story with themes but you have to be careful" GeekGemCorduroy: "I wanna take time with world building cause give it time. Including that idea of a Sonic cinematic universe I got some time ago. Let's build stuff up first yet in the first movie we have Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Amy Rose, Dr. Ivo Robotnik/Eggman, and Metal Sonic in the same movie. Along with mixing story stuff from Sonic 1, 2, 3 and Knuckles, CD and even the OVA cause I want to make a new version of the, "Strange Isn't It". The Death Egg is part of all of this too. Including human characters that are important but Sonic is still the main one. Yeah theirs no Little Planet but maybe later. Including were not going off stuff like comics mainly video games cause Archie might not like that, also Ken Penders is stupid. The game characters are more important, give them more meaning. Yet maybe the OVA, X, Sonic Boom are okay if Sega allows it hope so. Don't worry some characters have already met. Mainly Sonic and Knuckles haven't met" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "so wait your taking elements from those games and even a cinematic universe. Okay I like it that your taking your time but seriously be careful man" GeekGemCorduroy: "we want to plan carefully which is why the story of Sonic Adventure is the first sequel, and Sonic Adventure 2 is the 2nd sequel. I wanna do a Unleashed adaption but we have to wait. Including dropping a few easter eggs here and there. Yet I really want Metal Sonic so he's in the first film cause he needs more love, and makes the film more interesting and meaningful cause Metal is awesome" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "It's good your planning carefully. Yet you need to be careful" GeekGemCorduroy: "I'm mainly a crowd pleaser. I wanna impress both general audiences and fans alike. We wanna put easter eggs such as a mention or a reference if you see something. Yet they won't be important for the movie their in, sometimes in the background, or mentioned causally like Eggman being related to Gerald, and also even post credits and end credits scene cause those help. Even one setting up the first sequel about Chaos, and after that setting up the second sequel about Shadow and how it connects with the first sequel. Along with even a scene during the credits with Eggman's robots finding Shadow on Earth unconscious, in a huge meteor like crash hole and he's still alive. Also I thought of cool titles that reference and are important to the movies such as Sonic The God Of Destruction hope other world countries don't mind that, and Sonic The Ultimate Lifeform. Really cool and I thought about putting the word the for the Chaos one. Sorry also.....yeah I guess everyone yet I like to put deep stuff in it. I really want people to understand why Sonic is loved and that they can like it too, maybe they could become a fan. Give them a good movie, that's what's important. So yeah I guess all ages I forget that at times" Serious Side Of GeekGem: "the fact you forgot about that kind of worries me oh wait you forgot that at times" GeekGemCorduroy: "I'm not perfect yet if theirs a problem we'll fix it yet...the deepness it's good.....along with I want these to be fresh on Rotten Tomatos" Serious Side Of GeekGem: ".....I'm gonna be honest no offense I thought this would be more crazy" GeekGemCorduroy: "I'm GeekGemCorduroy and I want to make a really good Sonic film that makes millions or billions at the box office also I REALLY WANT THAT SONIC MOVIE IN 2018 TO BE GOOD sure Disney would be better yet still petty of them cancelling Wander Over Yonder savewoy, yet the Marvel and Star Wars films but why Sony maybe Disney thinks they have enough yet imagine if Disney Infinity was around Sonic Disney Infinity figures but also less risk yet it's more safe but yes a PG-13 Sonic film like the rumors said or were they true.......I wanted to mention this Serious Side Of GeekGem: ".....I don't know this is a parody" I just got up and.....just saying I was looking at the picture from DeviantArt ha..... Was trying to find good tags ha and...I'm the kind of guy forgot to mention this who doesn't like the custom character much in Sonic Forces...lol meh it's normal to smile a lot even now I made this littertly

#sonic the hedgehog #sonic movie #sonic adventure 2 #shadow the hedgehog #metal sonic

[felassan]

How are you personally liking the singleplayer game so far? I'm just spending my trial time on multiplayer.

I’m liking it a lot! I’ve really enjoyed my time in the trial so far, and can’t wait for launch so I can restart and really get into it. For reference, all of my time (about 8 hours so far) has been spent in singleplayer (or in CC, or hopping in and out of the game or menus in order to test things like settings), to the first planet after the prologue, up to a point which I guess is not far from the story lock. It’s a good game, maybe even a great game, and a lot of fun. full response under a cut to trim dash clutter and for length. spoiler-free.

Considering the fact that I have a weird, apparently-shit and derpy graphics card, I was expecting performance/graphics to be pretty bad, but for whatever reason the game runs fairly smoothly/well even on my PC on medium settings, I don’t have issues with crashes, freezing, stuttering, lag spikes, etc, not even on the first post-prologue planet. load times are reasonable. Even with my lame card and on medium settings with some effects turned off (like chromatic aberration), the environments and set-pieces look decent to good, which is a nice surprise. I’m going to upgrade my graphics card tho because 1) it’s long overdue and 2) I want an experience playing this game where it’s “pretty”, not just “decent”. I think doing that would improve my frame-rate and get rid of some of the scratchy/fuzzyness in some places that I’ve noticed, like around character models. that issue is definitely on my weird lame graphics card though, not on BW.

Gameplay is good from what I noticed. I’m excited to go exploring. sidequests so far felt less sidequesty/better thought out/less tacked on than DA:I’s. the jump-jet is a rad addition, I love the new dimension to the world and exploring the new verticality adds and improved mobility is always a plus. I like the extra lore/flavor details you can get from using the scanner. Combat is fun and solid, better than the OT, tho I’m still getting used to it. combat feels fluid, and for once in a game of this kind I’m properly looking forward to trying out different skills/builds rather than repeating the same playstyle over and over. the Nomad handles well and better than the Mako (I use a controller for my PC and can’t speak to how it handles for kbm). Disclaimer/caveat: I don’t play these games for the gameplay, and I played the trial on a low difficulty to blast through combat in order to see the stuff I wanted to see in my limited time. I also don’t really pay much attention to mechanics in games. so I’m not the best judge, because I’d play games with poor gameplay and suffer through that if it was to access a BioWare world with the choices, characters, depth, etc. I will say that nothing about combat gameplay in ME:A has irritated or frustrated me, which is something - DA:O’s for instance frustrated me for being so slow, ME1′s for being clunky (Shepard handled like I was pushing her around as she sat in a shopping trolley), DA2′s repeating he-man/power rangers spawning waves of mooks were annoying. for reference, combat gameplay in ME3 and DA:I was never an issue for me.

The voice-acting is strong. the aesthetic of the game is very Mass Effect. and it feels like Mass Effect too, even though we’re in a whole new galaxy - specifically a return to the atmospheric feel of ME1 (I don’t know how to articulate this, sorry. but I feel like I’m in the universe and back in ME1 when the galaxy was huge and there was so much to see, that retro scifi way). The story so far has been good - good opening, smartly-integrated tutorial that didn’t feel like a tutorial but like the prologue it is, compelling, interesting, emotional moments that got me, plot-hooks that have me wanting to keep going and find out more. the writing is mostly good, with a few odd/shoddy lines here and there. The squad characters are AMAZING. I love the squad and the ship. There’s lots of dialogue, banter and ambient dialogue from NPCs around the Nexus and Hyperion, and on the tempest and when exploring. I’ve only been playing for eight hours but already Liam and Cora feel more three dimensional and more interesting than Kaidan and Ash did in ME1 (I’m saying this as someone who quite likes Kaidan and Ash). I haven’t personally noticed Liam falling prey to the same issues Jacob did that people have been concerned about, which is good. Peebee feels differentiated from Liara (I wasn’t worried about that, but saw the sentiment around). I haven’t spent enough time with her to be able to tell if she feels differentiated from Sera (but I’m not really worried about that either anyway). Vetra is the best thing that has ever blessed the earth. there are little nods, callbacks and easter egg references to the OT that are pleasantly unexpected or even emotional in terms of content. I like the music, its a good mix of new exciting future stuff and callbacks to the music of the OT. plenty smiles and some laughs (good laughs, at jokes) had. quality cinematics, good cinematic design. I can’t WAIT to progress the story further and spend more time with these characters.

my main piece of negative feedback is the CC. it’s very limited, I think it’s quite poor really. but I’ve harped enough about that already so won’t repeat myself. full thoughts on CC here if you’re interested and haven’t seen it. my second main issue is more moderate in nature - I find the animations (specifically facial animations/emoting of human characters, including SisRyder, including talking) really quite off/jarring. your mileage may vary on this one, it’s not an issue for some people, it’s a relative thing I think how much it gets to you. for me it looks wrong/robotic/fake. secondary to but related to the animation issue is the dead/glassy-eyed look of human characters. I think they need to overhaul the CC, improve facial animations where possible (pls fix exploding mouths), and fix the eye textures (several artists by now have posted detailed breakdowns of what’s wrong with the eyes and why they visually look ‘dead’). I don’t actually have an issue at all with other animation glitches like tbone pose, weird walking, weird running up hills, etc. hasn’t happened much for me at all and doesn’t bother me when it does.

then I have some minor issues: no quicksave; no pausing during cutscenes; no saving during priority missions; in dialogue would prefer the choice of 4 tone responses to pop up more often than they do; differentiating instinctively between dialogue tone icons for me isn’t that good, maybe I just need more time at it though; the menu design doesn’t feel very intuitive but maybe I just need to get used to it? but there are menus upon menus within menus and I feel like the UI could be better; 2 ambient dialogue conversations triggering at the same time as I walk past like on the Nexus for example (have to move around hubs slowly so I don’t miss things and when one starts I stand still because moving too far ends it); it needs to be easier to quit menus (like hotkey m to enter and exit map, not m to enter and esc esc esc to exit [if you’re wondering I’ve been switching to kbm for menus. its great that the switch is seamless]); I do miss being able to directly order squadmates to use their skills in battle; I think Suvi and Gil should have been given custom models like Liam and Cora, at the moment it feels like a repeat of the issue we had with Traynor and Cortez, which isn’t great; I do feel a little railroaded having Ryder’s background depend on their gender, I don’t want to have to give a fuck about Prothean science digs. but these issues are definitely of the minor variety.

I think right now I’d give it a 7.5 or maybe eight out of ten, improving CC and fixing the facial animations/eyes would drive it up to nine for me I think. and this is on a normal common-sense-person scale, not a pro reviewer scale (where 80% is actually like a shit score). 

tl;dr loving it. 1 major issue, 1 moderate issue, numerous minor issues. absolutely loving it despite those and would definitely recommend and enthuse about it.

#bioware #mass effect #mass effect: andromeda #video games #mj replies #4tuchanka #dragon age #mj in andromeda #victory is in the Queuen

[ricky-rampage]

Favorite Movies 2016

Ah, 2016. Honestly, the less said about it, the better. But I’m a sucker for making lists and I think I’ll always have a compulsivity to make my top ten movies list of the year until the day cinema ends (which will hopefully be never). This wasn’t a particularly great year for film; there was a lot of “okay,” plenty of “meh,” but not too much “holy effing shit where’s the bottom of my jaw?!” However, there thankfully were ten movies that tickled my fancy. They are:

10. MIDNIGHT SPECIAL--This one surprised me. It lacks a true heart, or the heart keeps bouncing around between different characters while never fully latching on, but I still found myself enthralled. The way little bits are revealed here and there always felt natural and smooth, never forced. Jeff Nichols is skilled in nuance, which has been hit or miss for me with his past work. This is the first time I really got what he was going for. Now he just needs to inject some heart into his stories and he’ll be a master (I’m hoping Loving accomplishes this).

9. THE NICE GUYS--While it’s no Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, it’s still a worthy entry into the buddy cop mystery movie. Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling’s chemistry sparkles. The dialogue is original and hilarious. There’s a star turn from young Angourie Rice. It kind of devolves into standard shootout flare by the end, but the journey up to that point was pure entertainment.

8. MANCHESTER BY THE SEA--Though I wish I was more emotionally affected by this film, it’s still a very well done and well acted take on grief. It’s one of those movies where not a lot really happens, but everything happens. Casey Affleck, Michelle Williams and Lucas Hedges are all amazing, and the dialogue is some of the most realistically funny writing I’ve seen uttered on screen in a long time.

7. CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR--I think this is the most thematically resonant entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, especially in this sudden era of fake news. We believe the story with which we’re being presented, even when we don’t have all the facts. It’s about perspective. When it comes to clashing perspectives, communication is key; having a dialogue about issues insures a healthy debate and hopefully a satisfying compromise. When it’s superheroes having the debate, though, dialogue is tough and everyone ends up brawling at an airport hangar. Don’t forget this is popcorn fodder, but it was my favorite popcorn fodder of the year.

6. KUBO & THE TWO STRINGS--a visually astounding work of art. Watching this film just gave me a sense of joy that other animated films didn’t give me this year (I’m looking at you, Finding Dory, you and your pointlessness). This is a tale about a storyteller who finds himself in one of his own stories, becoming the hero he never knew he was born to be. A lot of it is silly, but most of it is fun, and all of it is beautiful.

5. THE WITCH--Funny story, I went to go see this a week or two after it came out with my friend, Sean, but we only stayed in the theater for about thirty minutes because of the worst film audience I’d ever experienced. Someone behind us was translating the whole film to his friend from English to Spanish, a mentally disabled man in front of us kept laughing at inappropriate times and shaking his head violently back and forth, and overall, your run-of-the-mill talking and cell phone usage from everyone else. Months later, I watched the movie on Amazon, and it was great. The end.

4. ARRIVAL--The thinking person’s alien invasion movie. This doesn’t have to rely on special effects or big action. This is a story about understanding one another that just happens to have aliens and special effects in it. Amy Adams gives an understated performance as a linguist caught in the middle of a mystery that almost everyone else sees as having a cut-and-dry solution. Jeremy Renner and Forrest Whitaker are just kind of there, but who cares? This is Adams’ story. A story of her character understanding her past, present, future, and herself. And it has aliens.

3. MOONLIGHT--So rarely does a movie come along that feels so un-Hollywood. Something that just comes off as HUMAN and never becomes melodramatic or dull. Moonlight pulls it off in strides. The story of a boy, then an adolescent, and then a man, and what it means to be all of them, sometimes all at once (I guess that only really applies for the last one, but it’s still there). Chrion is a character caught in the middle of too many worlds and I felt his uncertainty as he does his best to explore who he really is. Never exploitative, always real, Moonlight is kind of amazing.

2. LA LA LAND--This movie should not have been as remarkable as it is. It’s a fairly standard story, it’s a cheesy musical, and it’s not based on any preexisting material, which in this day and age, we know is a big no-no *barfs and dies*. But somehow, everything in this movie is near perfection. The songs: catchy and wondrous. The direction: Damien Chazelle, you are a god among insects. The performances: nothing flashy from Emma Stone or Ryan Gosling here, but I believed everything they did, including breaking into song and dance. All at once, La La Land is a tribute to classic cinema, a glimpse into where cinema is heading, and a time-honored tale of pursuing your dreams and the sacrifices that come along with that pursuit.

1. A MONSTER CALLS--This happens every year: my two favorite movies come down to what affects me emotionally and what wows me with its sheer filmmaking prowess. And like every year, the emotional film takes the cake. A Monster Calls caused me to suppress literal howls in a crowded theater, and I know I’m not the only one who experienced such a sensation. Ugly, ugly tears, and I’m grateful for every single one. Even if you haven’t experienced the tragic loss of a loved one, A Monster Calls is incredibly effective thanks to its beautiful performances from Felicity Jones, Sigourney Weaver and young stand-out Lewis MacDougall. It hooked me, reeled me in, and continues to squeeze me tightly in a comforting embrace (you know, like you usually do with fish). That’s why it’s my favorite film of the year.

Movies I didn’t manage to see in time: Silence, Sing Street, Hell or High Water, 20th Century Women, The Founder, Hunt For the Wilderpeople.

Favorite performances of the year: Hailee Steinfeld in The Edge of Seventeen, Aaron Taylor-Johnson in Nocturnal Animals, Lucas Hedges in Manchester By the Sea, Emma Stone in La La Land, Dan Fogler in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Special Jury Prize: Paint It Black. I’m not sure when this will get an official release, but I saw it at the Mill Valley Film Festival and it’s a disturbing treat.

Now for five movies that kind of stunk. Well, more than kind of. A few of them burned my sinuses away.

-1. X-MEN: APOCALYPSE--Out of the near two and a half hour runtime, I’d say there’s barely ninety minutes of actual story here. The rest is plodding, (not very good) effects-driven schlock and fan service. It lacks purpose; it’s just sort of there.

-2. THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN--Hitchcock you are not. Even Gone Girl you are not. Shit, you’re barely Hollywood Homicide (how’s that for a reference?).

-3. BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE--Can anyone tell me what this movie was about besides franchise building? No? Moving on then.

-4. SUICIDE SQUAD--Is this film the perfect example of A) studios interfering with a director’s vision, B) a film believing it can get by on massive hype while remaining limp and unnecessary, or C) just pure dumbness? I’ll go with D) all of the above.

-5. INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE--I’ll quote from my review from last summer because I don’t want to waste any more brain power coming up with new ways to shit on this piece of shit: “...a slapdash string of CGI vomit, shoehorned references to the first film for nostalgia’s sake, and not a lick of emotional depth whatsoever.” So. Fucking. Worthless.

Please be good, 2017. Pretty please. All the cherries on top.

#film #movies #movie review #everyone's a critic #top ten movies #top ten movies 2016 #2016 #2016 in film #top ten lists #midnight special #jeff nichols #the nice guys #manchester by the sea #lucas hedges #captain america: civil war #kubo and the two strings #the witch #arrival #amy adams #moonlight #la la land #damien chazelle #ryan gosling #emma stone #a monster calls #x-men: apocalypse #the girl on the train #batman vs superman: dawn of justice #suicide squad #independence day: resurgence

[hashtag-anthems]

My review of the Voltron VR Chronicles under a read more bc spoilers and bc it got real long real quick

A bit short, but I’ve never used VR before so the eye strain is real. I’m actually kind of glad it wasn’t super long. Any longer and I probably would have had to stop for a bit anyway.

The animation was really cool? Like, it was all 3D without being too different from the show’s 2D animation? I thought it was really nice. The characters were pretty expressive and all the different environments looked so cool!

Holy shit Zarkon is tall????? Like, I knew he was tall, but it didn’t become real until he was standing way too close and being all imposing and staring into my 5′7″ soul from way up there. 

Also, all of the Alteans looked v short. Like, Allura looked downright tiny and Coran was shorter than me during one of the disembodied cinematics where you aren’t actually playing as Lance you’re just watching stuff happen. It was... weird. I don’t like being taller than Coran. I was definitely shorter than Lance in the first cinematic, so idk what’s going on there. I’m pretty sure Coran would be taller than me.

The part of the game where you have to shoot down the Galra fighters could be explained a little bit better bc I wasn’t sure which button to press to fire but I figured it out eventually lol.

Shiro complimented my shooting skills and my life is complete I can die happy now.

I was also really bad at dodging things when we fought the robeast and Shiro got real annoyed and guys. You don’t want to disappoint Shiro. It’s soul-crushing. I tried my best, Shiro, please be proud of my efforts.

The power blocks puzzle is really hard but I eventually got it (no thanks to everyone else gosh guys yelling while I’m trying to arrange glowing blocks isn’t going to help)

The achievement “Lancey Lance is on the Case”

I don’t... really understand Zarkon’s throne room? It’s just... a platform in front of the throne? Where are the doors? Are they on either side of the throne? Zarkon is either really confident in his own abilities (likely) or he’s a fool (also likely) bc having everyone walk in from your blind spots is just a bad idea. You’re never going to know who’s there! Otherwise there’s stairs or something on either side of that platform and I just couldn’t see them, which also seems like a great way to be snuck up on. tl;dr: Zarkon’s throne room needs some renovations.

Got to be Allura for a hot second and that was cool. Opening wormholes is complicated stuff and I can see now why she’s the only one who can do it. Good job, Allura. I appreciate you.

I got it through Steam instead of through the Oculus store like a fool so it was hell trying to get the game started, but once I did it didn’t really make a difference which headset I was using. It’s also on sale in the Oculus store rn tho, so if anyone has a Rift and wants it, get it from the Oculus store. You will thank yourself later.

Overall 10/10 would recommend I don’t understand why people were upset about it.

#hashtag rambles #hashtag plays the voltron vr game #finally #ive been waiting for months #it was so good #i loved it