#he may touch buttholes but he's just a little guy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lallyloo · 3 years

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Jealousy

(So @imincognitohere and I were talking about EB recs, and porn, and how Link’s entire porn collection would consist of a dark haired guy with glasses and a John Mayer lookalike. Then we imagined Rhett finding Link’s JM porn collection and crying, and then just railing Link. And now we’re here.)

He’s not really supposed to be on Link’s laptop, but Link’s running behind and Rhett really needs the May 2022 Ear Biscuits schedule now.

He silently curses himself for not keeping the schedule on his own laptop, or even his phone, but Link’s the one who types during planning sessions and they’re always together, so it’s never mattered before.

But today Link’s stuck in traffic on the way to the creative house, and Stevie’s trying to book their first guest in nearly two years, and Rhett needs the info now.

And they have each other’s passwords for this very reason.

So Rhett waits for the sign-in screen to appear, and he types Link’s password.

RaisinCRUNCH1984!

And he’s in.

The desktop is just a line of neatly organized folders against a backdrop of some douche playing guitar.

Rhett stares at the douche for a second.

He knows his name is John Mayer.

But in Rhett’s mind he’s just ‘douche’.

Link’s crazy about his music but Rhett’s not, and the guy seems like a tool anyway.

And why does Link need him on his desktop? Why not Christy? Or the kids? Or hell, why not him and Rhett? Would that be too much? No.

And sure, Rhett’s desktop is a silhouetted photo of himself in Death Valley, but that’s neither here nor there. It was a great trip, and it’s a great photo, and it’s not just some random musician guy.

Rhett tears his gaze away from the background and scans the labels on the desktop folders, stopping when his eyes hit one called ‘May’. It seems to be the most obvious choice, likely full of schedule info, brainstorming, personal appointment times, etc.

To Rhett’s surprise, the files inside seem to have much more random names than the desktop folders.

It doesn’t seem like Link at all, and Rhett is a bit flummoxed as he reads down the list of random letters and numbers jumbled together.

He settles on a file called 324_eB_32_MMdrmfanta.

He’s in such a hurry he doesn’t pay attention to the file type, and Rhett realizes it’s a mistake as soon as he clicks it.

It’s not a list of dates or information. It’s not a schedule.

It’s a video.

And it looks like porn.

There’s a room. An office maybe? The camera pans and there’s a desk and a chair and a window.. and a bed. Yep, it’s porn.

The camera pans to socked feet, and up bare legs, over a little red speedo, to a bare chest, up to the face of someone who looks a bit like a younger Link.

Dark hair, blue eyes, glasses.

There’s a knocking sound in the video, someone at the door, and Rhett is curious to see who might walk in. It’ll be a blonde woman, he assumes. A Christy lookalike.

“Link you dirty dog..”

He’s invested now, curious to see what kind of fantasies Link is into. He knows Link and Christy’s relationship has its ups and downs, and Link’s blue balls have been an ongoing joke for years, and maybe he’s invading their privacy a bit by watching this video.. But it’s not actually Link and Christy. It’s just porn. Just a fantasy Link has. And they’ve talked about fantasies before. Hell, Rhett told him about the first time he ever jerked off. Watching a little porn video is nothing.

The guy with the glasses heads for the door and Rhett is enraptured as the scene unfolds – slipping off the chain lock, a hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. Rhett wonders what the woman’s going to be wearing. What she’s going to say. What they’re going to do. How they’re going to fuck.

On screen, the door opens and Rhett pulls back a bit, surprised, when he realizes there’s a man on the other side of it. Another brunette, with longer hair – not as long as Rhett’s, but longer than Link’s. And flowy. The guy’s kinda pretty.

Huh. Maybe it’s a threesome video? Two guys and a girl? The guy with the glasses looks surprised but pleased, and Rhett stares at the screen, wondering when the girl will show up.

The other guy says something Rhett doesn’t register, and then he steps into the room, wraps the glasses guy up in his arms, and shoves his tongue down his throat.

The unmistakable sound of a porn sax overdub echoes through Link’s office, and Rhett pulls himself out of it. He clicks through the video, skipping ahead, his eyes growing wide as he gets quick glimpses of erections, blow jobs, sloppy kisses, a finger in a butthole, AND IS THAT HIS TONGUE?? And fucking, so much fucking, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Rhett skips to the end to see the long-haired guy trailing his tongue over the glasses guy’s dick, licking up every messy drop of cum.

And. Oh.

The girl never showed up.

Rhett closes the video.

So Link watches porn. Gay porn.

And he’s never told him.

Rhett can’t help but feel a little confused. And a little jealous.

Why hasn’t Link told him? Why haven’t they talked about it?

Does Link like guys?

Rhett’s never been into guys. Not once, like ever.

Well, sure, he’s thought about Link once in awhile. What it might be like to touch him. Kiss him. Maybe more.

But that doesn’t count. Because it’s Link.

It’s Link!

Rhett’s not into guys. Link doesn’t count.

And if Link is into guys he clearly doesn’t want to tell Rhett yet. And that’s fine.

Isn’t it?

Rhett is a little hurt, but he’s alright with letting Link tell him in his own time. That’s what best friends are for. They’re cool and they’re understanding and they’re patient. And Rhett is all of those things.

He closes the folder, and his eyes fall to the desktop again.

To that douche.

With the familiar face.

Why does he suddenly seem so familiar?

Rhett stares at him for a moment and his blood runs cold.

The video.

The guy at the door with the stupid floppy hair.

Rhett quickly opens the folder again, choosing another file at random.

Cheesy porn music starts and Rhett watches another slightly geeky dark-haired guy with glasses flirt with a dark-haired flop. Rhett skips ahead quickly. There are blowjobs, and the flop is lifting the cute geeky guy, kissing him, spreading his cheeks as the glasses guy gasps–

Rhett closes that video, and clicks another one, and moans fill Link’s office as the video starts right in the middle of a fucking scene. Two guys. Another cute eyeglassed guy with dark hair, and some long-haired jerk. As Rhett watches, he catches sight of a guitar in the background and his face burns hot.

“Rhett?”

Rhett fumbles with the laptop, slamming it closed, but the video keeps playing and the moans of two guys echo through the room as Rhett turns towards the door.

“Link!”

Link looks furious.

“Dude, what’re you doing??”

“I was just looking for– ”

“You’re snooping on my laptop??” Link pushes past him and opens his computer, typing in his password.

“No! I wasn’t! I was just– ”

Link clicks the little x in the top corner of the video and the room falls quiet as he turns back to Rhett.

“That’s my private stuff.”

“I was looking for the Ear Biscuits schedule!”

“And you thought you’d just watch some of my porn while you were in there?”

“It said May! I thought it meant the month!”

“Well it doesn’t mean that!”

“I know that now!”

Link looks at him for a moment and then rolls his eyes. “It’s a stupid name. I’ll.. rename it.. and hide it, I guess.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“What if you need somethin’ else in the future?”

“Well I’ll know not to look in the John Mayer folder.”

Link makes a sound, something akin to a squawk. “What??”

“That’s what it is, right?”

“It’s– I mean, it’s..” Link stutters, unable to look at him. “NO.”

“Oh, come on.”

“It’s not.”

Rhett gestures to the laptop, which still sits open on the desk. “You’re tellin’ me all those dudes with the long hair don’t make you think of… him?”

Link doesn’t answer the question, he just frowns. “I should’a called it something else.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. PORN maybe?? THIS IS MY PORN RHETT DON’T LOOK AT IT?? Does it need to be that obvious?”

Rhett can’t help but laugh, “That wouldn’t help at all. You know it’d only make me more curious.”

“True.” Link says, and he’s smiling now at least. “So fine, I’ll call it something you won’t care about.”

“Like what?”

“Well I’m not gonna tell you, ya dummy.”

Rhett raises his hands in defeat, “fine, fine.”

The room is quiet for a moment as they look at each other, and Rhett can’t help it when his gaze moves from Link’s face down to the idiot on the screen.

He’s so smug. So full of himself. He writes stupid lyrics and people just swoon over him. Link swoons over him.

But Rhett writes lyrics too. And he sings. What’s wrong with his songs?

“What’s John Mayer got that I ain’t got?”

Link’s eyes nearly bug out of his head. “WHAT?”

“I didn’t even know you liked guys,” Rhett says quietly, “and now you’re into HIM of all people.”

“What’s wrong with HIM?”

“Well, for starters, he’s a– ” Rhett stops himself from calling the guy a name. Yeah he’s a stupid dumb idiot who steals the affection of certain best friends, but Rhett doesn’t need to say that to Link. He doesn’t need to make him more upset. “He’s not.. ”

“I know you think he’s not cool,” Link rolls his eyes again. “I don’t care.”

“It’s not that.”

“Well what is it??”

“He’s not.. me.” Rhett can feel his face start to burn the moment the words are out of his mouth. It’s stupid. He’s stupid. What is this? What’s he even doing?

“Not you??” Link laughs. “Dude, don’t tell me you’re jealous of John Mayer now too.”

“Well, I wasn’t,” Rhett says, and Link shoots him a skeptical look. “I mean, maybe just a bit. But now...”

“Now what?”

“After I saw those videos..” Rhett chokes out. “Link, why’re you thinkin’ about him and not me?”

“Rhett, you’re not into guys!”

“And you are??” Rhett can’t seem to help the hysterical tone in his voice.

“Well, yeah, man.”

“Since when??”

“Since.. always, I think.”

“What about Christy?”

“Christy knows,” Link shrugs, “she’s okay with it.”

“Oh.”

Rhett thinks of his own wife and how she’d react if it were him.

Lately Jessie’s been more open-minded than anyone, more willing to learn and explore and grow. Would she be okay if he were.. if he liked..

And he already knows the answer – has heard her say a hundred times, a hundred ways, ‘we’re not who we used to be.. so whatever that means for you and Link, that’s fine by me. The four of us can figure it out.’

Rhett hadn’t questioned her at the time. Hadn’t realized what she meant.

“So, look, you found my porn,” Link is saying, “but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about this whole jealousy thing you’ve got going on. I’m not gonna stop watching it just because your feelings are hurt.”

“But..”

“But what??” Link asks, exasperated.

“I want you to think of me.”

“Look,” Link sighs and takes off his glasses, rubbing a hand over his eyes, “I used to think of you..”

“When??”

Link shrugs. “Awhile ago. Years.”

“Why’d you stop??”

“Rhett, listen, I knew it was never gonna happen with you so I made myself stop.”

“And it’s gonna happen with John Mayer??”

“No,” Link laughs, “it’s just a.. just a stupid fantasy.”

“So let me be your fantasy.” Rhett hates himself the moment it’s out of his mouth – he’s never said anything more embarrassing – and Link just gives him an odd look.

“Dude..”

Rhett cringes, “I know.”

“I’m not gonna fantasize about my straight best friend.”

“But I want..”

“Rhett, WHAT.”

“I’m not into guys,” Rhett tries to explain, feeling like an idiot, “but I’m into you.”

“Well, I’m a guy.”

“I know, but you’re – ”

Link steps forward, and before Rhett can say anything more Link leans in and kisses him. It seems to be a test at first, gentle, and then Link slips his tongue out, pressing against Rhett’s lips, encouraging Rhett to open for him.

And Rhett does. He doesn’t even question it. His brain just screams, yes! Finally! And he’s kissing Link, soft and wet, and an ache shoots through his body, straight to his dick.

When Link pulls away, Rhett’s still got his eyes closed, his head tilted, with a smile plastered to his mouth.

“Did you like that?” Link asks.

“Yeahhh,” Rhett sighs dreamily.

“Then you’re into guys, you dummy. The percentage don’t matter.”

Rhett’s eyes snap open. “Okay, I’m into guys.”

Link looks at him, wide-eyed, and smiles. “So kiss me again then.”

Rhett does, taking hold of Link’s face and kissing him, and he knows he’s supposed to be doing something else. He came in this room for a reason. A file or something.

But none of that matters because he’s kissing Link and Link’s kissing him back, and as Rhett pushes Link up against the desk they bump the cable on Link’s laptop and it beeps to notify them that it’s come unplugged.

“Hold on,” Link mumbles, pulling away to plug the cable back in, and Rhett’s eyes are fixed to the photo on the desktop.

Stupid John Mayer douche.

He’ll never have Link.

“What’re you lookin’ at?”

Rhett glances up to find Link watching him curiously.

“What?”

“You’re staring at my laptop like you wanna murder it.”

“What,” Rhett sputters, “no I’m not.”

“You really are jealous, huh?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“Link, I’m fine.”

“Guess I’ll just leave it open then,” Link smirks. “Since it’s not botherin’ you.”

Rhett reaches past him and slams the laptop shut. “No.”

Link laughs. “You’re like a jealous girlfriend.”

“Boyfriend.”

“Oh, you’re my boyfriend now?”

“Maybe,” Rhett says, and he’s dying. Literally dying. Link’s never going to let him live this down.

But Link kisses him again and suddenly Rhett doesn’t care. They’re kissing and Link is touching him. Link’s hands move down to unbutton his shirt, so Rhett grabs hold of Link’s shirt and tugs it up and over his head.

“What ones did you watch?”

“What what?”

“The videos, which ones.”

Rhett nearly chokes, looking away, and Link takes him by the chin and pulls his gaze back.

“You can tell me.”

“I don’t know,” Rhett admits, “I just skimmed a few.”

“Well what’d they do in them?”

“Blowjobs,” Rhett says, replaying the scenes in his mind, “lots of fingers everywhere. Fucking.”

“Fucking?”

“Yeah, tons of it.”

Link’s fingers slide down Rhett’s belly, stopping at his belt, and the buckle clinks as Link undoes it. “You wanna act it out?”

“Act it out??” Rhett feels like he might actually scream.

“Yeah.”

“DO I HAVE TO BE JOHN MAYER?”

“No!” Link laughs and shuts him up with another kiss. “Just be you, dummy.”

“You want me to– ” Rhett stammers, speaking against Link’s lips, “Want me to go to the door?”

“The door? Why?”

“To knock? Like in the video?”

Link laughs again, and at least Rhett’s managed that. If nothing else, he can always make Link laugh.

“You watched the dorm fantasy video?”

“I don’t know.”

“Guy studying? Red speedo?”

“Ohh, yeah, that one.”

“And how’d it end?”

Rhett’s eyes go wide. “Fucking.”

“Right,” Link says, smiling back at him. “So you wanna just skip to that?”

Rhett’s died. He’s a corpse.

But he manages to breathe out, “Yes.”

Link opens a drawer and tosses a bottle of lube on his desk, and he’s saying “come on, come on,” and Rhett’s brain finally returns to him, because if there’s one thing he’s good at it’s using his dick.

He’s not quite sure of the next step because he’s never done THIS. But Link walks him through the lube and the prep, and god, his ass is beautiful, and now Rhett gets to fuck it, and when Link’s hand slips over Rhett’s dick, slicking him up good, Rhett’s knees nearly give out.

Then Link’s turning away, still talking to him, teasing, asking, “You gonna fuck me better than John Mayer would?” and Rhett grips his hips and slides in slow, easing in deep, gasping at how tight Link is around him.

And Link groans,“Oh god.. fuck, you’re in..

And moans, “Rhett, do it.”

And Rhett does.

He fucks the hell out of Link.

Plows him into the desk.

Tries to fuck John Mayer right out of his mind.

Just rails him.

And Link keeps gasping, “Yeah, like that, yeah, Rhett, fuck me like that,” and when he breathes out “better than John Mayer ever could..” Rhett stops and grabs hold of him, turning him around, needing to see him, wanting Link to see who’s fucking him and giving it to him so good.

Link goes easily, seemingly happy about it, and when Link is bare-assed on the desk with his dick in his hand, Rhett hooks his arms under his knees and fucks in again.

“Tell me,” Rhett sputters as he fucks with everything he’s got.

“Tell you what?” Link is looking up at him, dazed, and they both know Link’s teasing.

“Tell me I’m better.”

“Better than who?”

“You know who,” Rhett grits out, and he’s going to come. Soon. Real soon. And he needs to hear it so bad. “HIM.”

“Oh..” Link grins, and his voice catches in his throat as he says, “John Mayer?”

Rhett can only nod, silently begging Link to give him what he needs.

“You’re better,” Link smiles up at him, his breath stuttering, and Rhett can feel him tighten around his cock. “You’re so good, Rhett, fuck, you fuck me better than anyone.”

“Yeah,” Rhett gasps, pulling Link’s knees up higher, fucking in tighter, harder, faster, and he nearly folds Link in half when he leans in to kiss him again.

And Link breathes against Rhett’s mouth, “No one fucks me like you..” and he comes, shooting hot between them, and Rhett groans and stills, coming hard inside Link.

“Fuck, yeah, so much better than him,” Link sighs, “You’re bigger too.”

And Rhett’s pretty sure he passes out.

When he comes to, he’s still holding onto Link, and he lets go slowly, easing his legs down.

“You alright?” Link’s asking, with a little worried expression on his face.

“Yeah,” Rhett says, “was I out long?”

“You were out??” Link sits up quickly, getting a better look at him.

“I think so,” Rhett shrugs, “I dunno. Maybe it was just too good.”

Link laughs, “Dude, stop.”

Rhett stares down at him, looking hurt.

“What, you’re sayin’ it wasn’t good?”

“Rhett– ”

And Rhett knows he’s teasing again, and he knows it was good, but Rhett pushes against his chest anyway, encouraging Link to lie back down on the desk.

And Rhett leans over and licks up every messy drop of cum from Link’s chest, and sucks his dick clean too.

He’s clearly better than John Mayer.

And he definitely likes guys. Especially Link.

#rhink #fic #rhink fic #my fic #jealous rhett #i apologize for the formatting #tumblr hates when i post from my laptop

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heartofsnark · 3 years

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Honey, I Laugh When It Sinks In. (Johnny/Fem!V) NSFW

Note: So, ya girl’s having whore hours. And I wrote Johnny getting his butthole reamed by my fem!V’s strap.

Warnings: peggings, assplay, sex toys, oral sex, cum fixation, dumb jokes

Summary: Johnny's got his body back, that's nice. Both him and V are super alive, doing great things. Those great things do mostly involved fucking each other and denying the fact they love each other; because they're dumbasses. But more importantly, now that Johnny can interact with real life object, V has a chance to fuck him with a strap-on. And doesn't that just sound like a fun time.

The fact that Johnny to some degree likes his ass played with is a secret to absolutely no one. But especially not to V, she’s not sure the two could have secrets from each other after their time being brain roommates. Dreams of his memories haunted her for months and the guy did a lot of fucking. It wasn’t uncommon to fall asleep and find herself in Johnny’s skin being reamed by Rogue’s strap-on or getting fucked after letting Kerry top for a change.

There’s not a lot of mystery left between V and Johnny, to say the least.

But, for some reason, Johnny’s ass has remained uncharted territory for the merc. Well, maybe not for no reason at all. Most of their sex life has been while he’s a digital ghost rattling around in her skull and unable to interact with real life objects. And she never quite had the courage to see if that limitation included strap-ons and butt plugs, though she has a sneaking suspicion it probably did, she doubts Arasaka included a butthole exploit in their tech.

However, the two are no longer dependent on Arasaka’s ass related limits. He’s real, now, out of her skull and back in the flesh. His original flesh even, after they found it in the depths of Arasaka’s bullshit amongst the other bodies the corp had gotten their hands on over the years.

It was a whole thing; but he’s here now and they’re fucking again. Because that’s apparently just what they do. Probably because she’s hopelessly… infatuated with him and knows casual sex is probably all she’ll ever get. Because he clearly still loves Rogue and could never want her beyond sex-

V promptly smacks herself in the head, groaning as her thoughts begin to spiral. She twists in her bed, crushing a pillow to her chest. Trying to hype herself up into asking for a chance to peg Johnny turned into wallowing about her stupid fucking feelings. Because every thought about him turns into wallowing about her stupid fucking feelings.

She hears the shower turn off, having nagged Johnny into taking one as soon as they got home. Which means it’s almost time to ask and she wonders why this is making butterflies swim in her stomach, why she’s so nervous? The merc is no stranger to pegging or taking control in the bedroom.

Maybe because she does lean towards the submissive side of things and Johnny leans towards the dominant, the rockerboy having taken charge in most of their bedroom interactions. Maybe because it’s Johnny and the idea that he may not feel comfortable doing this with her, the idea that there’s a part of him he’d give others but not her, makes a pit form in her gut.

She drops the pillow and lightly smacks herself in the head again; for fucks sake she’s asking to peg the man, not asking for his hand in marriage. Not that she would ever ask for that… That would be weird. Her face is bright red at that thought, feeling like a school girl fantasizing about being Mrs. Silverhand someday. Mrs. Linder?

Both of those sound awful, actually.

There’s the padding of footsteps across her apartment as Johnny leaves the bathroom. The merc moving to sit at the edge of the bed as he comes walking closer. Her favorite geriatric rockerboy, condolences to Kerry, is absolutely shameless and as much as she chides him, she certainly doesn’t mind the show.

Johnny is completely naked, save for a towel casually on his shoulders as he ruffles it through his overgrown dark hair. Damn near every inch of skin and chrome on display to the merc. Her mouth dries as she watches a bead of water run down his stomach, past the inked skin of his ribs. V’s eyes then shift to get a look at his ass, her fixation of the night. He’s on the flatter side, to say the least, broad shoulders and narrow trim hips. But it belongs to him and thats all that matters, pancake ass or otherwise.

“You’re tracking water everywhere,” she scolds him, comfortably using her voice around him. Maybe due to left over remnants of his own brain in hers or just because it’s Johnny.

“Eh, Nibbles will clean it up.”

“What part of ‘don’t let him drink shower water’ do you not understand?”

“The part where you tell me what to do.”

“You’re lucky you’re cute, you know that?”

“Am I?”

He’s suddenly in her face, hands pressed to the mattress on each side of her hips, as he leans into her space. A smirk on his lips, damp hair falling into his eyes, and forehead nearly knocking into her own. She can feel the heat coming off his body, the droplets of water rolling off his skin and onto hers. And before another word can be said they’re kissing, drawn to each other in a way neither can explain, coming together like this as natural as breathing.

It feels like a tingle of electricity under her skin wherever her touches, every cell in her body begging for his tongue. The pure relief of feeling his tongue push into her mouth, to feel the scratch of his beard on her skin. It feels right, every time, as if this is just how they’re meant to be. Like a part of her soul is finally slotting back into place.

She wraps her arms around his neck, tangling her fingers in his wet hair as he kisses her, deep and heavy. The taste of cigarette smoke and mint gum still clinging to his tongue, the latter meant to help suppress the cravings for the former. Different from how his kisses tasted as an engram, but still so distinctly him.

V breaks the lip locks when his hands start to push under her shirt, a soft whimper on her lips, as badly as she wants him anyway she can get him, she can’t lose her nerve in asking for what she wants most tonight. His mouth is on her neck in a second, licking and biting at her pulse point, beard scratching the tender skin as she gasps.

“Johnny, I.. fuck,” she whines as he bites at the skin, “can, uh, fuck, can I… peg you?”

His mouth stops moving on her neck and that pit in her gut comes back, terrified she ruined something. Wanting to tell him to forget it, pretend she never asked, as he pulls away from her pulse point and she misses his touch, only a second apart and she’s starved for his affection. But then he pulls away enough for her to see his face, the grin on his lips, and it's a rush of relief.

“That what got you acting like a basket case all day?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Fuckin’ knew something was up; acted like you were a second away from humping my leg all day, then send me off to shower all by myself.”

“I wasn’t that bad.”

“You seriously spent all day thinking about fuckin’ my ass, didn’t you?”

“Not all day.”

“Jesus christ,” he lets out something between a laugh and a breath, she can’t help but giggle too, “well, then, show me what you got, princess.”

And she surges forward, clumsily wrenching her fingers into his hair as she kisses him, teeth nearly clacking together in her messy excitement. Deep but quick, not wanting to spend much longer in this awkward position, she pulls away with a bite to his lower lip.

“Lay down on the bed, for me?” She asks softly when she breaks away, looking up at him with big eyes and a bat of her eyelashes. And she can see for a moment, the mischievous light in his eyes, the impulse to refuse, to be a brat. But he rolls his eyes and does what she asks, behaving for now.

“You’re lucky you’re cute, you know that?” he mimics her words from earlier as plops back with his hair against the pillows and she giggles, scrambling to straddle him. To have him naked beneath her.

And what a sight that makes. Johnny is unfairly gorgeous, something she’s thought for far longer than she’d care to admit. Long dark hair wetting her pillows, deep brown eyes looking up at her with lust, the messy scruff of his beard, the scar over his lip, and the burn scars that trace up the side of his neck. Beyond the visual, as she settles over him, she can feel his hard cock smearing precum across her skin. Good to know he’s excited.

His hands squeeze her hips, the warmth of flesh and the chill of silver sending sparks up her spine. He squeezes tightly and the hint of a smirk that teases at his lips tells her he’s about to say something stupid.

“Hate to break your heart, V, but, this isn’t exactly what pegging means.”

“I’m not about to just ram a strap-on up your ass dry, Johnny, it’s a process.”

“Oh, I get prep work, damn, didn’t know I was that special.”

“Kiss me before I kill you,” she taunts, leaning over him to capture his lips. She pushes her tongue deep into his mouth, devours that distinct taste of him, getting another fill of it before she forces herself away.

It’s her turn now to latch onto Johnny’s neck, finding a spot to leave a mark not unlike the one he no doubt left her. The taste of his skin beneath her tongue, the heavy sigh of pleasure from his mouth as she sucks, bites and licks. Only when she’s certain, she’s marred his skin, does she pull away with a wet sound. Bruised skin looking back at her. She smiles at her bit of handiwork but can’t admire it for long, wanting to taste him again just as soon as she’s stopped.

V peppers kisses, licks, and bites across his skin. From his shoulder to his jaw, leaving faint little bruises wherever her teeth get involved. He groans and sighs under the touch, just soaking it in, as starved for it as she is. V can feel his cock stiff and leaking against her thigh as she nips his jawline, kisses down and across his throat, to run her tongue along the other side of his neck now. His hands grope and squeeze at her ass as she works him over, feeling the roughness of his scarred skin under her tongue. She gives the same treatment, sucking and biting every inch of flesh she can.

“Fuck,” he curses, rocking his head back further into the pillows, instinctively trying to give her more access.

V shifts her lower body, giving herself room to reach between them and touch him. She wants to make him cum before she even gets the strap in, maybe more than once, overwhelm him with pleasure and get him relaxed before she slides inside fully. The merc wraps her hand around him, feeling the heat and weight of his cock, wet with water and precum. He groans at the touch, a rumble she can feel in his throat as she kisses it.

“Might need an anatomy lesson, sweetheart, that’s not quite my ass,” he taunts, earning him a harsh bite to his neck and a tighter grip on his dick.

“Can you be patient for a fuckin’ minute? I’ll get there when I get there.”

“And will that be some time this year or next? Oh fuck, fuck,” he chokes on his words as she begins stroking him in earnest, using his precum to keep him slick as she works.

The merc has plenty of lube in the little drawer area under her bed, along with all her toys, but for now she wants to stick to the basics. It's just the first round for him and barely a precursor of what's to come. She bites and sucks his neck as she strokes him, first slow and languidly, just feeling every inch of him. Feeling the way he twitches in her hand, the way each stroke brings more precum, how he groans a little louder each time she gets to the head of his cock, flushed red and more sensitive than the rest of him.

Then she starts to get quicker, shorter, almost rougher strokes of her hand, working harder and faster to feel him cum beneath her. His breathing getting quicker, more curses beneath his breath, rumbles of them in his throat. He’s getting close, fingers sinking into her hip tighter and tighter, the other gripping the sheets as she builds his pleasure as high as she can with just her hand.

“Fuck!”

Johnny’s body draws tight, a flush across his skin, as he twitches once more in her hand and cums. White shooting quickly across his stomach and chest, cum sticking to his skin and her’s. It’s nothing compared to how much he’s left inside her before, no floodgates broke open, just enough to make a mess. She shamelessly licks and sucks off what he left on her hand, hearing him groan at the sight, the bitter salty taste of it heavy on her tongue. And she knows it should be gross to her, the taste of it, but she loves it.

Once her hand is licked clean, she moves over him to lave her tongue over his chest, catching the cum that landed over his skin. A rumble of a chuckle in his chest as she works her way down; lapping sweat, water, and cum off of him.

“Swear, could bust into a cup and you’d down it like water, wouldn’t ya?”

“Fuck off,” she curses against his skin, already having licked the cum off of his rib tattoo, already chasing down drop of it that’s dripped down his stomach.

“Such a little cum whore.” He lazily rubs his hand through her hair, taunting her as she licks his stomach and hips clean of any cum, her face feeling like it’s on fire.

She pulls away from his skin, once she’s convinced she’s gotten most of the cum off his skin and the head of his cock starts to bump her chin.

“Spread,” she demands, trying to maintain some mask of domme-ness as she taps his thigh. Johnny bends his knee, spreading his legs slightly and hands grabbing at the pillow over his head; a painfully beautiful sight to the merc.

“Fuckin’ finally, about time,” he responds, because he’s still an asshole.

“Again, not going in dry, you’re not getting the strap quite yet.”

“Ugh….”

She pinches his thigh and he just grins, finding her annoyance just oh so entertaining. V takes a moment to peel off her shirt, feeling a bit of relief from the fever on her skin, open air hitting her sweaty flesh. And she can feel his eyes on her when she does so, brown eyes staring at her small breasts, following her pierced stiff nipples. As much as he’s bitched about her being a member of the itty bitty titty committee, he seems to always gawk at them when he has a chance. She likes to think that… means something , but it probably just means he’s a slut.

V considers taking off her panties too, slick and sweat making them stick to her neglected cunt, but that would require far too much maneuvering to make it worth the effort. Especially when tonight isn’t about that. She’s able to balance on her knees to lean over the edge of the bed, rolling out the underneath compartment to get what she needs. And she can feel that stare now hoving on her bent over ass, not that he can even get a decent look at it from where he’s laying. But that won’t stop him from ogling apparently.

“So, when do I get to fuck your ass?” He asks as she’s grabbing lube and a butt plug from her sex toy stash.

“You’ve played with my ass before,” she says, kind of surprised, memories of his fingers and tongue in that specific hole.

“Haven’t fucked it yet, which just seems like a crime, quite frankly.”

“Oh no,” she rolls her eyes, “not a crime, we’ve never done one of those before.”

“Would you let me fuck your ass?”

In a heartbeat, she thinks immediately and is so happy he no longer lives in her skull.

“Hmm, maybe, but it's your ass on the chopping block tonight, I’m ‘fraid.”

“Yours is so much nicer though.”

“Yeah… that’s not saying much, gonna be like fucking a hole in a wooden plank.”

“Or you could just give me a titty fuck, oh wait.”

She grabs the strap-on she intends to use, a big cyan blue one that she’s been waiting entirely too long to try out. And she shakes it in front of him.

“I’m either gonna fuck you or beat you to death with it, I swear to god, Johnny.”

He grins and laughs, she’s laughing too. Unable to help it, their back and forth always bringing a lightness to her chest. It just feels like them, as they should be. Two dumbasses making fun of each other.

V has what she needs except for one other thing, she stretches to reach the night stand and grab her phone, having to lean over Johnny to do so. And she can feel Johnny looking at her funny, brows furrowed for a moment, as he watches her pull up the app she needs.

“Are you checking your fuckin’ email, what is this?”

She laughs, unable to resist a chance to tease; “Oh yeah, just checking my texts, me and River are supposed to do something after this.”

“Haha, that’s so funny,” he says dryly, a bite to his words, as he suddenly grabs her hair and looks into her eyes, “mention the pig’s name in bed again and I’ll fuck you in front of him.”

His tone is on the harsh side, but his pull in her hair is barely rough enough to feel it. The threat and movement only serving to make her face scarlet and her cunt slicker. Johnny has always had some… jealous, possessive tendencies, especially in the bedroom when she pushes him just a bit. And she knew exactly what she was doing by mentioning River’s name specifically, the former cop always an oddly shaped sore spot for Johnny.

She kisses him, soft and quick, before pulling away. His grip not even hard enough to control her movements.

“It's an app that vibrates the butt plug, Johnny,” she explains, smiling as she quells his worries, though something in her still has to wonder why he has them.

And its faint, but she can see a hint of red come across his cheeks, pink behind the scruff on his cheeks.

“Oh, well, carry on then,” he says, letting go of her hair and running his hand down her back.

“All my attention is on you, promise.”

“Fuckin’ better be,” he grumbles under his breath as he falls back against the pillow, she doesn’t see embarassed Johnny often, his lack of shame truly astounding. But, when she can manage to get him flushed, it's adorable.

“You’re such a gonk.”

“Shouldn’t there be a way to sync it with your neuroware or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.”

“I’m not installing buttplug tech in my brain, Johnny, that’s a malware nightmare waiting to happen.”

“Didn’t have to mention that asshole.”

“Stop pouting, only asshole I’m worried about right now is yours,” she jokes, getting back to where she can comfortable play with him, starting to cover her fingers in a healthy dose of lube.

“Ugh,” he groans, “that was so stupid, its a miracle I’m still hard.”

“Being a slut isn’t a miracle, Johnny.”

“Is the way I do it- fuck,” he gasps and curses as she slides a lubed up finger inside of him, “you could fuckin’ warn a guy.”

“You said you wanted me to hurry up, you don’t get to bitch about it now.”

He lets out a quiet groan as she works one finger inside of him, feeling the heat of him around the digit. V has small fingers, one of many drawbacks to her petite stature. One finger doesn’t even stretch him, more so just getting lube into him, so everything that comes next has an easier time sliding in. She leaves him empty for just a moment as she coats a second finger in lube and begins to work both digits inside of him.

Tighter with a second finger added, stretching him a bit more as she shifts and scissors them inside of him. He groans a bit at the added pleasure, but his sounds are still soft, her fingers not thick or long enough to give him exactly what he needs. More lube and she adds a third finger, which makes him curses, cock twitching as she does her best to prepare him.

With her other hand she starts to stroke his dick, earning a deep throaty sound, the combined pleasure making him nosier. V works faster, wanting to wring more of those sounds from him, As she works her fingers inside of him quicker, fucking them into him as deeply and fast as she can, a soft squelching noise starts to ring out combining with the wet slide of her hand on his cock. His hips squirm and writhe, bringing himself down further on her fingers, just to thrust up into her hand.

“Fuck,” he’s reaching up and gripping the pillows again, expression tight as she toys with him, “fuck, fuck, V!”

His cock twitches in her hand she moves to wrap her lips around the head of it, swirling her tongue over his heated skin just as he cums, something between a curse and a growl as he paints the inside of her mouth white. That same salty bitter taste coating her tongue, more of it this time, that she swallows down without shame. She pulls her mouth off of him with a wet pop, her fingers leaving him with another squelching sound.

“Needed it straight from the tap this time?” He tries to sass her, but his voice is a breathy rasp.

“Gon-gonna make you cum one more time before I use the strap, alright?”

Something between a whine and groan leaves his lips, but he spreads his thighs a little wider, pushes his head a bit further back against the pillows. She rolls her eyes, just thankful his stamina is good enough to withstand all the overstimulation. V covers the butt plug in lube, a black silicone one with a flared base, tech inside to make it vibrate. Once it’s covered, slick as it can be, she gently pushes Johnny’s thigh a little big further out and slides it inside, Johnny cussing at the wider stretch of the toy compared to her fingers. There’s not much resistance to the stretch of it inside of him, every fiber of her dying to tease him for being a slut. But she stays nice, instead grabbing her phone with the app open.

Johnny honestly, probably doesn’t need as much prep work as she’s doing, Though, she is mostly doing it because watching him cum his brains out is a fun time. But he clearly is ready for the main attraction of the evening, her strap. So, she won’t drag this one out too long, she decides looking over the vibration settings and hitting the highest.

“Jesus fuck!” He yells out, not expecting the intense vibrations of the plug. His hips grinding and thrusting, squirming from the pleasure of it buzzing against his prostate. The whirr of the toy audible even through his groans and moans.

And she can feel her mouth watering at the sight of him trying not to whimper against the buzz of the toy, hips moving on instinct as it works it’s magic, hard flushed cock twitching with pleasure. V grabs his narrow hips and pins them down against the bed, feeling him squirm under her touch. And she takes his cock back into her mouth, but this time she doesn’t hesitate to swallow him down as deeply as she can, feeling the slide of it on her tongue, the head pressing into her throat.

“God damn it,” he curses and both his hands grab at the back of her head, pressing her down further, “you need more fuckin’ cum?”

She gags a little as he starts fucking her face, no longer able to keep his hips pinned, as he keeps her head in place. V relaxes her throat as best she can, just letting him use it as a fleshlight while the plug vibrates inside of him. His pace is brutal, trying to match the intensity of the vibration as he fucks her throat.

“Such a fuckin’ whore for my cum, two loads not enough, huh, princess? Needed to feel me cum down your fuckin’ throat too?”

She’s unable to respond, too busy being choked on Johnny’s cock, mouth a drooling mess as he fucks her face. But each word, little comment and taunt makes her clit throb, makes her that much wetter. And the thought of reaching down and fingering herself is so tempting, but Johnny isn’t going to last long. Between her throat around his cock and the toy in his ass, if she bothers to touch herself, she’ll only work herself up more.

Sure enough, just a few more messy thrusts, then his cock is throbbing against her tongue and he’s cumming down her throat just like he promised. That familiar taste coating her mouth as she swallows every last drop, even when she catches herself nearly coughing on it.

He pulls his hands from her hair, still whining as the toy vibrates, V having to take a minute to come up for air and catch her breath. Once the lightheaded feeling passes away she grabs her phone and turns off the vibrating, Johnny’s body relaxing as he gets a break from stimulation, though not for long. She gives him a moment to adjust before softly pulling the plug out of him, earning a sound suspiciously close to a whimper. V puts the plug aside and grabs the strap, Johnny catching his breath, still hard and leaking by some miracle, as she secures it over her underwear.

A bright vivid blue strap, thick and long. She slathers it in lube, no such thing as too wet, as she empties the rest of the tube over the toy. The blue silicone shining with the slick gel. Johnny watches her as she lubes it up, she can nearly feel the impatience radiating off of him.

“Any position you prefer for this?” She asks, wanting to make sure he’s as comfortable as possible. Johnny responds by rolling over onto his knees, ass up in the air with his face in the pillow.

“Should be easier like this,” he murmurs into the pillow and then chooses to wiggle his ass at her, like the weirdo he is.

“Don’t exactly have much worth shaking, Johnny,” she taunts, giving him a small sharp smack to the ass.

“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to fuck it so bad.”

She rolls her eyes and prepares to finally peg Johnny. She’s on her knees behind him and would like to line up her toy with his asshole, but… there seems to be a newly discovered logistical issue. She tries to raise herself up higher, but her hips can’t quite align with his ass. She’s well aware that Johnny is over a foot taller than her, but it only becomes a problem at the weirdest of times. She kind of assumed since he can fuck her from behind, she’d have no trouble returning the favor, but… alas.

“Can you get your butt any lower?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“No… “

“This is what I get for fuckin’ a hobbit, I swear.”

“Just lower your ass, please.”

Johnny does his best to bring his ass down as low as he can and with a little finagling and the knowledge that she’ll probably have awful leg cramps for it, she’s able to get the head of the strap aligned with his hole.

She grips his hips and brings him back onto it as she slowly slides it inside as deeply as she can. A long low groan leaves Johnny’s throat, something that sounds like the word ‘finally’ With a bit of effort, she’s able to start slowly thrusting into him, watching it slide in and out of him. Hearing each grunt and curse as she fills him, the squelching of the strap sliding inside his slick hole. Slow direct long pushes into him, her thigh muscles already burning from the effort.

V runs her hand down the expanse of his back, the freckled skin of his shoulders, and she wants to kiss it. To kiss his back and shoulders while she fucks him. And when she does her best to lay further over his back, she can barely kiss his shoulders with entirely too much effort, she must look ridiculous. This is ridiculous, she finds herself giggling, stomach hurting as she laughs.

“Are you- are you laughing?” Johnny asks, voice incredulous and she feels bad to beg him for a chance to do this, but in this position it’s just not working well.

“I’m sorry, I just, I feel like a Chihuahua trying to hump a Doberman, Johnny.” She says through laughter as she pulls the strap-on out of him. And he’s laughing too, chuckling as he rolls back over, staring at her.

And she’s sure she looks ridiculous, red faced and giggling with a blue lubed strap-on around her hips. She buries her face in her hands, unable to stop laughing at how fucking ridiculous it is, she’s too short to peg that way. Then his hands are wrapping around her wrists and he’s pulling them down, back in her space. And there’s a soft smile on his lips, that forms soft wrinkles around his eyes, a gentleness in his gaze. He’s so pretty and she can’t even fuck him right, the world is cruel. Johnny kisses her through her laugher, a soft press of their lips, before he pulls away. He lays back against the pillows, like he was before the not so bright idea of trying doggy style.

“Here,” he spreads his legs, smile still on his lips, “let’s try it like this.”

“Thank you,” she says through a giggle, moving to try this again.

It’s much easier with him laying down on his back, able to raise his hips easily to meet the strap-on. And she can look at his face now, which she definitely considers a plus. She can stay in a comfortable kneeling position as she lines it up perfectly and sinks into him again. His teeth sink into his bottom lip, head shifting back as she fills him again. Comfortably so this time and able to see his cock leaking precum onto his stomach as she fucks him.

Her nails dig into his hips as she begins thrusting into him, listening to the wet sound of it pushing inside of him. She keeps her motions slow and smooth, not wanting to fuck him senseless quite yet, watching for ever sharp intake of air from him. Staring at the flush across his skin, the sheen of sweat across his flesh. The groans, the sighs, and curses he lets out with every thrust of the toy into him.

“Faster, V, fuck, I ain’t gonna break.”

“Know what I’m doing,” she says, just barely speeds up, wanting to tease him, to drag it out.

“That remains to be seen, fuck, c’mon, harder,” he tries to demand, writing his hips to meet each thrust of the strap, trying to change the pace.

“Nothing wrong with me taking my time, patience won’t kill you,” she teases, getting just a little harsher with the thrusts, just enough to hear the slap of her thighs hitting his, the soft pap of skin hitting skin. And he groans, eyes closed for a minute before opening again, a look in them that she’s seen too many times before.

“Nah, fuck this,” he says, then she’s being pushed back, metal and flesh hand shoving her against the bed as the world shifts around her.

“Hey!” She yells out as she’s suddenly on her back, looking up at Johnny who’s now straddling her hips. But she doesn’t have it in her to be mad, not when he’s naked on top of her, with hair falling into his eyes.

The shift in position made the strap-on slide out of him again, but Johnny wastes no time, bringing his ass down onto it, filling himself with the dildo. And she realizes he’s going to ride it cowgirl… cowboy style. He leans puts his hands back on the bed behind him, for leverage as he begins to do just that, bouncing on the silicone cock, hard and fast.

“Won’t fuck me right, gotta do it my goddamn self.”

“Swear to fuck,” she squeezes his hips, watching the way his cock bounces as he fucks himself on her strap, “next time I’m tying you down and gagging you.”

“Look forward to it,” he says, a wicked grin telling her how powerful her threat really is.

Johnny sets a brutal pace, as he’s one to do, his weight coming down on his hips heavy and powerful with every bounce. He barely pulls himself off of it with every movement, lifting himself just an inch off the slick toy before he’s bringing his weight back down. Its desperate, frenetic movements, just fucking himself on the toy. Each movement brings the slap of flesh clapping together, the squelch of the toy pushing into him, and the soft grind of the strap’s harness into her clit through her underwear. Not enough to get her off, but enough to make her whine.

And she tries to meet his pace, to thrust up into him, but Johnny doesn’t give her a chance, every time his weight comes down on her, it pins her hips in place, leaves her to lay there and let him have his fun. Just to watch as he rides it, as it slides in and out of him, barely out as he’s just desperate to grind the toy into the deepest parts of him. Let her mouth water as she watches his flushed red cock drip with precum and bounce along with his body.

“Fuck, you look so good like this, Johnny,” she tells him, just staring and Johnny groans, grinding himself down onto the dildo.

“Yeah,” his voice is breathy, panting through the words, “like watching me ride your cock?”

“Mmhmm, so fuckin’ beautiful…”

Her words trail off vaguely, squeezing his hips, just staring at him. Sweaty tanned skin, the ink that marks his ribs and arm, the rough flesh of his scars, freckles she could map out with her tongue if he let her. Broad shoulders, muscled bicep on one side and solid chrome on the other. Long dark hair with those deep brown eyes. The thick trail of hair that goes down his stomach. The trim narrow hips grinding him down onto the blue toy, his thick cock that really does deserve all the hype he gives it.

“Christ V,” he curses, voice rough and she can see the flush across his cheeks again, “stop fuckin’ looking at me like that.”

“Like what?” She asks, watching him rub a hand over his face, why is he embarrassed? Does he not expect her to look at him when he’s fucking himself on her silicone dick?

“Like, like, fuck!”

V gasps as his body goes tight, cock twitching as cum splashes across chest and chin, hot on her skin. A stray drop hitting her lip, only there for a moment before she licks it off, Johnny goes slack on top of her. Body relaxed and loose as his orgasms works its way through him, cock throbbing as a few more dribbles of cum drip onto her stomach. After a moment, Johnny curses again, blinking as he comes back to earth. Another moment and he starts to pull himself off of the strap.

“Can’t say that went exactly how I planned, but-eep!”

V squeals as he starts ripping off the strap-on harness, throwing it aside without any care before he’s yanking her underwear off, air hitting her slick cunt. He throws her panties across the apartment without another thought.

“Johnny, what are you do- oh fuck!”

Before she can finish the sentence he’s between her thighs, legs thrown over his shoulder as he buries his tongue inside of her. She grabs onto his hair on instinct as he begins to lick up every drop of slick inside of her, painfully wet after all she’d done to him with no relief for herself. Johnny eats pussy like a man starved, making groans and grunts of pleasure against her core as laps at her insides. Like he could really lick away every drop of slick, even as each swipe of his tongue makes her whine and as she just gets wetter.

Then his mouth is at her swollen clit and she’s seeing stars as focuses in on the most sensitive part of her. Never knowing when he’s going to lick patterns against the bundle of nerves or suck on it, his actions are quick and unpredictable, but everything makes her cry out. Her hips squirm and grind against his face, hands unintentionally pushing her into her center at the same time. Johnny’s arms wrap around hips and pin them to the mattress.

“Fuck, I-I’m close, Johnny, I-”

A harsh suck on her clit, the scratch of his beard against her core, and she’s gone. Toes curling and fingers tight in his hair, a keening moan on her tongue as the world goes blank. Pleasure hitting its peak and overcoming every cell in her body, a mess of her wet coating Johnny’s tongue and chin, that he licks up without hesitation.

After another moment he comes up for air, leaving her boneless and panting as she tries to get her bearings back. She didn’t expect for Johnny to touch her like the, meaning for the night to be completely about the pegging, but she really should have known. V’s sure the rockerboy would take it as personal offense if she didn’t cum at least once during sex with him.

The merc is pulled up to the pillows and against Johnny’s chest, the two settling in as they catch their breath. She’s sure the apartment is a wreck right now, things thrown haphazardly, there’s lube in her bedsheets, but can’t find the energy to truly care. V buries her head into his chest, listening to his heartbeat, smelling the musk of his skin, at peace just laying here against him.

“Can’t sleep with your hearing aids in, you know that, V,” Johnny says, skimming his fingers over the shell of her ears, just barely touching the little devices.

“I can sometimes…” She whines, wanting to fully hear his heartbeat and snoring while she sleeps. .

“And you’ll wake up with your ears rubbed raw.”

She glares up at him, pouting as he takes her hearing aids out for her, putting them on the side table. He looks back down at her, then brings his hands as high as he can so she can see them.

“Good night, princess,” he signs and she can’t be upset anymore, the sight of his admittedly sloppy sign language always making her heart melt. A flush of red crawling up her cheeks as she nuzzles her face into his chest, unable to hear his heartbeat, but still feeling the rise and fall of his chest with every breath. Mururing a good night against his skin as she drifts off.

#cyberpunk 2077 #johnny silverhand #female v #silverv #cp2077

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softestvirgil · 5 years

Text

Switching Places

Inspired by an ask I got a few nights ago!

Summary: The sides get their roles swapped

Genre: Canon-verse

Rating: PG

Pairing(s): None

Word count: 3461

Warnings: Remus, Deceit, Sex mentions, cursing, dead animal mentions, fighting, light angst

Let me know if there’s any more I should add!

It was after three in the morning, and Thomas had been trying to sleep for hours, but it wasn't working. His mind seemed to be at war. So, he decided to do what he always did when that happened.

"Guys, we need to have a conversation!" Thomas shouted in his living room, and one by one the sides were summoned against their will, each one looking more disheveled than the last.

"It's three in the morning, Thomas. Is something the matter?" Logan asked as he rose up.

Patton rubbed his eyes and agreed. "Yeah, it is quite late, kiddo,"

"What could possibly be so important you needed to interrupt me in the middle of my beauty sleep, Thomas?" Roman snapped, sassily gesturing to his face when he said "beauty".

"Don't think your beauty sleep is working," Virgil commented, annoyed by the whole situation but mostly how loud Roman was being.

Deceit smirked from beside Logan. "I think it is,"

"Oh great, he's here," Virgil grumbled. "This night just keeps getting better,"

Logan blinked at Deceit. "I… didn't even notice his presence. I'm usually the first one to call out his name. Have I lost my touch?"

"Yeah, I called all of you," Thomas said and looked nervously over at the TV behind Roman.

"Oh no," Roman whispered. "We just got rid of him!"

"Rid of me?" Remus laughed. "I'm not a dead pet, Roman. You can't just bury me in the backyard,"

"Dead pet?" Patton repeated with wide eyes.

Thomas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Listen, guys. We need to talk and then I promise, I will go to bed,"

"Great. What can we assist you with, Thomas?" Logan asked.

"Well, you all seem to be… at each other tonight…" Thomas began, looking at each side.

Roman scoffed. "Whatever do you mean? We've been getting along just fine,"

"Oh, really?" Thomas asked, looking to Virgil for confirmation.

"That has… not been my experience," Virgil said, staring daggers at Deceit.

Thomas quirked a brow. "Well, what's going on, Virge?"

"Oh, they have a nickname for you now… how cute," Deceit faux complimented, smirking as if he had the upper hand due to Virgil's violent reactions.

Virgil rolled his eyes. "The only thing that's cute here is that you even think you're getting to me,"

"Am I not?" Deceit wondered, eyeing the anxious side as he angrily tapped his foot on the floor.

"No," Virgil said firmly, while still tapping.

Thomas sighed in frustration. "Listen, guys! I just, need you to explain how this all started. Please,"

"He," Virgil gestured to Deceit, who waved sensually. "Won't stop randomly showing up in my room,"

Deceit faked hurt. "What? I can't visit an old friend?"

"We are not friends," Virgil told him. "And even my friends aren't allowed in my room,"

Roman nodded. "It's true, we're not,"

Remus perked up. "Oh golly, some pretty kinky stuff must be happening in there… wanna give us all the juicy details?"

"What is with you and the word juicy?" Thomas asked to which Remus just shrugged.

"I just like it, it paints a nice picture… like the picture of a-"

"Yes, a butthole. Got it," Thomas finished for him.

Remus laughed. "Wow, Thomas! You're learning. I'm so proud,"

Virgil defended himself. "No, Remus nothing… kinky is happening in there!"

"That is exactly what someone who has a super-secret sex dungeon would say…" Remus commented, wiggling around for emphasis.

"Moving on. They aren't the only ones who aren't getting along," Logan announced.

"Do tell," Thomas said tiredly.

"Well, Roman and I have had our fair share of arguments recently," Logan explained, and everyone looked at him as if he had just told the funniest joke.

"You… are you really that un-self-aware?" Virgil asked him.

"What do you mean?" Logan replied, quirking a brow.

Virgil groaned. "I mean, you guys are always fighting! It's not exactly breaking news,"

"The only reason we're arguing in the first place is because of his stupid punctuality planner! It has so little room for creativity," Roman whined, stomping his feet like an angry child.

"You have an hour allotted that should be plenty of time," Logan replied dryly, ignoring the matter at hand.

Roman scowled. "An hour is not even long enough to get the ball rolling, but if you were creativity you would know that,"

"Ball rolling… like… testicles… taped to a bowling ball?" Remus yelled, and everyone made respective sounds of disgust.

"No… not at all.. like that," Roman replied, moving further away from his brother.

Patton frowned.

"Patton? You've been rather quiet. How are you holding up?" Thomas asked his moral side, who managed to work up a smile.

"Oh yeah! I'm doing just fine, Thomas," He said, with a cheerfulness that almost seemed eerie.

"Yeah, he's lying," Deceit stated blankly, looking at his fingers.

"Yeah… I knew that, but thanks," Thomas replied.

"I- wasn't lying I just…" Patton started but stopped himself.

"It's okay. You can tell me," Thomas told him, with a warm smile.

"Well… I just don't enjoy how… frequent, Remus has been talking about dead animals and such,"

Remus laughed. "Dead animals are funny though, Patton. There's this one picture Thomas saw where-"

Thomas shook his head, covering his ears "No! No. Do not bring that up. Or I'll definitely not be getting to sleep tonight,"

"If you'd just tell him-" Remus pointed at Patton, “and him,” he pointed at Virgil. "-to relax, and stop being such prudes, then everything would be fine,"

"I am not a prude. I just don't like hearing that kind of stuff. Animals are so wonderful and I love them!" Patton yelled, shocking everyone.

Remus giggled. "Oh no! Daddy's putting his foot down, everyone. What're you gonna do, huh? Spank me?"

"Well maybe if you two would just leave, then we can call it a night," Virgil said, and the two dark sides looked genuinely hurt by his words, which Thomas was surprised by.

"I tend to agree, Virgil," Roman said and Virgil glared at him. "I just mean that… you're being a bit too p- uh, overly cautious,"

"Okay, you know what? You can leave too," Virgil sneered and Roman gasped at him, putting his hand to his chest.

"Okay, no. Guys, is there any way we can settle this for the night, without anybody leaving?" Thomas asked, looking to everyone for an idea.

Then after a moment of silence, Roman finally came up with a plan.

"I have an idea," He declared abruptly.

Logan exhaled, tiredly adjusting his glasses. "Oh, do tell,"

Roman suddenly looked tense. "Well… you're not going to like it,"

"What is it, Roman?" Thomas pleaded.

"We could go into daydream mode and... switch roles, " Roman explained. "And then that would allow us to see from each other's point of view?"

"Switch roles? Is that even possible?" Thomas wondered.

"Anything is possible in the mind palace Thomas," Roman bragged with a smile. "My job is pretty cool you know,"

"You're right. I do not like this," Logan informed.

Patton raised his hand as if he was in class "I'm willing to try. If it'll help,"

Virgil widened his eyes. "I'm not! Thomas this is a bad idea. A very bad idea,"

"Listen, I'm willing to try anything. I'm exhausted and you guys fighting is what is causing that. So if switching roles can help you put aside your differences and see from each other's points of view, then I'm all for it," Thomas announced.

"It may work but I already have an idea of where this is going and I would rather go back to the old puppet idea," Logan said.

"Oh, come on Logan. It might be fun!" Patton encouraged.

"Hmm. Would it be so fun for you if you got switched with one of them?" Virgil asked the "them" he was referencing was obvious to everyone, including the ones he meant.

"Uh, well…" Patton trailed off nervously.

"I just proved my point," Virgil stated. "Let's just table this for another time,"

Thomas reached his limit. "You know what? That's it. Roman, I give you permission,"

"Really?" Roman asked.

Thomas nodded. "Really. I just want to sleep at some point tonight,"

"Woo! Okay," Roman cheered. "Alright let me just…"

Roman snapped and then they all appeared in the mind palace, which was currently blank.

"One second…" Roman shut his eyes and then they all seemed to be back in Thomas' apartment.

"This… is just my apartment," Thomas said.

"Or is it?" Roman smirked.

"Wait, we're in the mind palace right now?" Thomas asked, looking around in awe at "his apartment" which looked exactly the same, but somehow slightly brighter.

Roman looked around, proud of his work. "Yup,"

"Wow, Roman, I'm so impressed," Deceit said, and he too was looking around but with less wonder and more judgment.

Roman was touched by this. "Thank you,"

"Can we just get this over with," Virgil snapped, rubbing his temples. "I'm getting a migraine,"

"Alright if you insist," Roman sighed and shut his eyes. He then snapped his fingers and, it happened.

At first, everyone was disoriented, but then it really set in.

Everyone was in the same places, but they had all switched roles, as well as colors.

"Wow, I love this," Virgil said and was startled by his own voice, slapping his hand over his mouth. That wasn't his voice that was… Deceits. His hoodie was now covered in yellow patches rather than his usual purple, but he was glad he at least didn't change clothes.

"Okay so, Virgil is now, Deceit. Cool," Thomas said, nervously eyeing Virgil who looked as if he was going to vomit.

"Oh, oh no…" Logan said dramatically, looking at his shirt. "I knew it. I knew you would do this,"

It was red, which meant he had swapped with Roman.

Roman sighed. "Don't look so disappointed, Logan. This exercise will be highly effective in helping us better understand each other. You may as well try to participate with an open mind,"

Thomas eyed them. "You guys sound like each other and I don't know why, but I wasn't expecting that,"

Roman all the sudden had glasses, and Logan's had disappeared. "Yes, well, we have swapped traits and it seems clear to me now that our traits have a lot to do with our mannerisms and speech patterns,"

"You stole my glasses you heathen!" Logan shouted, ignoring Roman’s previous statement.

“Indeed,” Roman said. “Wait a minute…”

Logan frowned dramatically. “I do not enjoy this one bit Roman, I am already cranky! Change me back!”

Roman adjusted his glasses as Logan would. “No, I don’t think I will,”

“I totally don’t want to change back,” Virgil whispered quietly, his tempest tongue in full effect.

Remus pouted, his clothes now blue instead of their usual green. “C’ mon Roman, it’s not very nice to make Logan and Virgil do this if they don’t want to,”

“Oh no… oh- not-” Thomas realized Remus had switched with Patton which meant…

Patton sighed, knowing what Thomas was thinking. “Oh yes! I mean definitely no but also yes,”

“Patton? How do you feel?” Thomas asked nervously, which caused Virgil to flip his hood over his head.

“Like a buttcheek on a stick,” Patton said and then he too covered his mouth.

“Oh, that is not ideal,” Roman commented, eyeing Patton cautiously.

Logan scoffed. “Not ideal? None of this is ideal Roman!”

“It’s not only my fault. Thomas gave me the go-ahead,” Roman reminded.

“Yeah uh, what the hell, Thomas?” Logan yelled. “How dare you do this to me! It’s not fair!”

Thomas backed up. “You guys are the ones keeping me up so if you could just learn whatever lesson you are supposed to be learning from this we can all go back to normal and I can go to sleep,”

“If Roman weren’t such a b*tch we wouldn’t be in this mess,” Logan defended himself, to which Roman just rolled his eyes.

“Look at you, Logan. You are usually so eloquent but now you cannot even form a good insult. It’s pathetic,” Roman’s words were full of malice and Logan’s eyes went big.

“This is why I didn’t want to do this! I have to be-”

“Taken seriously. We know! Now, we don’t care,” Roman stated. “You have proven time and time again that you are simply incompetent at your job, so maybe I should do both of our jobs,”

“That is not… at all the resolution you guys should be having right now,” Thomas commented, eyes darting back and forth between the two of them. “Play nice, please,”

“Play nice? Play nice? Did you hear what he just said to me?” Logan was upset, and the louder he got the more he sounded like Roman, which was a thing he had yet to notice.

“I don’t like this,” Deceit said, finally speaking. His voice was much lower and more similar to Virgil’s tone.

“Deceit! You’re here! And you’re-”

“Anxiety and I have no idea how Virgil does this. I’m not having a good time,” Deceit informed, fixing his hair to cover his face.

“Well, I’m sure it’s not all bad,” Remus tried to reassure Virgil, as Patton would. “It must have its moments,”

“Oh yeah, it’s fantastic,” Virgil whispered again, still echoing. He now had Deceit’s cape instead of his hoodie, and his hoodie had appeared on Deceit instead.

“Well, maybe now you understand why it’s not okay to just drop into Virgil’s room whenever you feel like it,” Thomas suggested, to which Deceit nodded.

“Yeah if any of you randomly dropped into my room right now I would probably scream so uh, sorry, Virgil,” Deceit apologized to which Virgil just groaned.

“You aren’t talking much, Patton,” Remus said and Patton just looked down.

“I would rather not,” Patton murmured from underneath his hand.

Remus shrugged. “Well, now you know how I feel,”

“How you feel?” Thomas repeated.

“You always say the first thing that pops into your head,” Logan agreed.

Remus sighed. “Yeah because I can’t control it. Being quiet is like…”

“Pulling out your own teeth with a pair of needle-nose pliers,” Patton said. “It hurts,” Then his outfit shifted to be more like Remus’ and Remus’ started changing too.

“Exactly,” Remus nodded.

“I had no idea, Remus…” Roman said, dropping for a moment to feel a bit of guilt for how he had treated him.

“It’s not like you ever asked,” Remus replied, pouting.

“I’m not going to come over there and fight you if you don’t turn us back,” Virgil yelled at Roman.

The more time they spent in each other's roles the more they were changing, and despite the fact that he was technically Deceit now, this was still just the mind palace, and he was still just anxiety, so all of this was affecting him… which meant it was affecting Thomas.

“Well, I am glad,” Roman said flatly and Virgil just wanted to rip his hair out.

“I really… want to stay like this forever!” Virgil yelled again, his face was full of rage and it did not match his words.

“Good, maybe you will,” Roman said and everyone stopped. Roman was not willing to give this up, he had a point to prove but why? No one was really sure, and they were all worried, but Logan was worried most. “You can’t be serious,” He said, but he knew there was a big chance he wasn’t joking. Especially considering he couldn’t really “joke” right now.

Roman remained stoic. “I am serious. I have the upper hand, here. None of you know how to end daydream mode except me, and I certainly will not divulge that information,”

“Why not?!” Logan screamed, and Virgil covered his ears, then noticed that Deceit did the same.

“Too loud, dude,” Deceit said, and Virgil looked offended. “That’s not my thing…”

“Because clearly none of you deserve your roles, and neither do I,” Roman was taking this all wrong, and Thomas was unsure how to fix it. “So, we may as well stay this way,”

Virgil was reaching his limit, still echoing fully. “Thomas isn’t anxious right now, and we definitely don’t need to find a way to stop this,”

“Oh… yeah. I didn’t even notice,” Thomas said, shaking. “Patton, Logan… You guys are creativity right now… you got any ideas on how to get us out of here?” He asked, which made Logan and Patton meet eyes.

Roman rolled his eyes. “Nice try but the mind palace won’t listen-”

Then Logan got an idea. “Patton? Snap at the same time as me on 3,” Logan instructed.

“Okay,” Patton replied, quietly.

“I wouldn’t do that-” Roman tried but it was no use.

“1...2...3!” Logan shouted and the two snapped at the same time, causing them to rise back up into Thomas’ real apartment in a big flash of light.

“Have we all returned back to normal?” Logan wondered, and began feeling around for his glasses, then when he found them he practically jumped from joy. Which caused the others to stare at him. “Ahem… pardon my outburst. Just glad to be back to my old self again,”

“It was really cute, Logan!” Patton squealed.

Virgil sighed in relief, no longer echoing. “That was... horrible,”

“I loved it, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Deceit said.

“Well, I know that’s a lie,” Thomas said, and Virgil frowned. “It isn’t under his control half the time. I couldn’t tell the truth no matter how much I wanted to,”

“It seems like that’s the case for Deceit and Remus, neither of them can really control how they talk,” Roman said, empathizing with the two a bit.

Remus laughed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I like my job! It’s the tits!”

Patton grimaced. “I’m sure it’s not… a…”

“A tit? Two tits?” Remus asked. “It’s more like five or six tits, sextupli-tits!”

“Oh, a pun, that’s nice,” Patton was trying, and he lent a warm smile to Remus, who smiled back.

“You’re not half bad yourself, Daddy,” Remus replied with a wink before sinking down, and Patton waved goodbye to him.

“I don’t want to leave too, I’m having a great time,” Deceit began sinking out.

“Hey! No more going in my room!” Virgil yelled, making sure Deceit was clear on that.

“Alright. Fine,” Deceit conceded, and finally went back to wherever he came from.

“Roman… do you have anything to say to us?” Thomas asked, and Roman crossed his arms.

“Nope,” Roman insisted. “I did nothing wrong,”

“You can’t really think that…” Virgil said and looked at him. “Can you?”

Roman shook his head. “Logan deserved it for not allowing me more room to express myself. It isn’t fair that in order for Thomas to have a productive lifestyle in his mind, he must abandon creativity. Creativity is a big part of who Thomas is! Without me- us… he wouldn’t be the Thomas we know and love,”

“I suppose you’re right, I’m sorry, Roman,” Logan said, genuinely feeling bad. Which was new for him.

“Did… did you just apologize… to me?” Roman asked, dumbfounded.

Logan fixed his tie. “I did indeed. Regardless of how you handled it, I wasn’t being fair to you and I ignored how you feel. For that, I am sorry,”

“This is so cute! We’re all getting along!” Patton cheered.

Virgil rolled his eyes with a smirk before sinking out. “Yeah… I’m gonna go back to my room now and think up more ways to stop Thomas from going outside, later,”

“What a productive evening! It’s already 4:30!” Patton exclaimed and sunk out.

“Yeah… that’s what night time is for… not sleeping,” Thomas commented sarcastically.

“Go to bed, Thomas,” Logan said, then sunk out.

“Yes, do try to get some rest… and Thomas?” Roman began.

“Yeah, Roman?” Thomas replied.

“I’m sorry,” Roman said, with a sad smile.

Thomas smiled. “It’s.. alright Roman. It all worked out… I think,”

“Me too,” Roman said before finally sinking out, leaving Thomas to go and get some use of was left of the night.

Bonus, End Card!

Remus rose up in Virgil’s room. “Virgil! Where are you hiding the sex dungeon!”

Virgil hissed. “There is no dungeon, there’s nothing kinky... just lots of cobwebs!” He yelled. “Get out!”

“How do I know you’re not lying?” Remus asked and looked around for Deceit.

“I’m not! He would be here if I were and you know it,” Virgil reminded.

Remus frowned from disappointment “Alright… fine, but if you’re holding out on me-”

Virgil scoffed. “I’m not. Goodbye, Remus,” He then waved sassily signaling the creative side to leave.

Remus smirked and waved back as he sunk down. “Fair well, Virgil. See you soon,”

Authors note: I know Patton didn’t say a whole lot in Remus’ role but I found that hard to write! Apologies!

#virgil writes #thomas sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders sides one shot #sanders sides oneshot #sanders sides canonverse fic #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #remus sanders #deceit sanders

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icecreambeach · 4 years

Note

a prompt I hope you saw coming: McCree, sunning his butthole

I did my best to live up to this real-life comedy gold.

So this takes place very early on in the gang’s reunion, when they’re still training as a team and Hanzo/Genji are still a little tense with each other. (Hopefully I kind of conveyed that through context clues alone but just wanted to be sure since I didn’t want to spend a lot of time polishing this because I have lol zero time.)

I hope it TAINT bad. : - D

The simulation is set: nine opponents, fourteen hazards and two environments. McCree figures the first will be blizzard—why else would Mei be up in the box, waving down at them with that innocent smile?—but he has no clue on the second.Probably it has something to do with Genji, since he’s over half an hour late.

“It’s not like him,” mutters Angela, a little too opaque to show any judgment.Hanzo’s judgment, however, is very clear; he snorts loud enough for even Winston to look over, and he’s all the way up in the box with Mei.“I’m sure he’s just puttin’ the finishing touches on things,” Jesse drawls, nudging his boot into the concrete to scratch an itch on his heel.

“My brother is not one for keeping to a schedule,” says Hanzo. The effort to keep any bitterness out of his tone must’ve been monumental.

Jesse’s a quickdraw with more than a gun, so he’s a little miffed when Reinhardt gets to be magnanimous before he can: “I have seen people change in greater ways and in far less time than in our Genji.” He clasps a hand on Hanzo’s shoulder and Jesse feels even more miffed when the archer doesn’t bristle and brush Reinhardt away like his usual character would dictate. “Perhaps he will surprise you.”

Hanzo seems to hum and cough at the same time. Reinhardt takes his hand back and Jesse licks his teeth behind his lips. “Dunno ‘bout that, Rein. Dickin’ off to meditate is still dickin’ off.”But both Reinhardt and Hanzo give him looks of disappointment and displeasure, respectively. Jesse coos out air like the room is getting hot, looking up at nothing, then turns instead to Angela, who is masterfully ignoring the entire situation.

“You get those new bio-shots in yet, doc?”“Not yet. But the shipment should come any day now. It’s not unusual for that kind of order to take so long. I once tried to have two gallons of e-CTM delivered to a safe house in Bucharest and the driver—”“Oh thank Christ,” Jesse mutters when Genji jogs into the room.“Forgive my lateness,” says Genji. “Torbjorn had not yet finished our suits.”The whole team squints at him. “Suits?” says Reinhardt.

Genji sets down twin crates and hits a button on their sides to let them snap open. “Winston wanted me to set the environment today, so I decided on fire.”Hanzo scoffs even louder than before. Jesse gets the feeling there’s some joke he’s not in on.Reinhardt, ever doe-eyed, persists: “fire?”“Yes. But these suits are not fire-repellant. They are fire-attractive.”Angela actually sounds intrigued, if a tad apprehensive: “come again?”“They will attract fire.” Genji takes out a suit and holds it up; it looks like a Tour de France onesie, only with far shorter shorts. Jesse thinks he’d be shocked if they even cleared his inner thighs. “Particularly to the torso and head.”“Gotta be shittin’ me,” mutters Jesse, turning away, spurs clicking.“Ridiculous,” rumbles Hanzo.“I do not see why I deserve such dissent,” Genji says, his robotic voice a lofty, melodic drawl. “I have designed this course to mimic the eventuality of a burning building. Something most of you would have difficulty overcoming,” he adds with a carefree lilt and tilt of his head. He leans towards the room com link on the wall and holds down the button, carrying his voice to the box above as well as the entire room. “Winston, Mei—you’ll find the simulation code under command 12-A.”

“If you are selecting an environment in which you are already an expert,” Hanzo drawls back, his own voice the total opposite of carefree, “then what is the point of your participating?”“It will still be a challenge for me. I have not been in the position of having to assist other teammates during a battle for a long time.”“Yes,” Hanzo crosses his arms, and Jesse pre-winces before the man even finishes, “Your position is more often far behind enemy lines, getting yourself injured and then calling for help.”Genji crosses his arms, too, though he keeps his tone light. “Now, brother. That was long ago.”“So that has never happened, then?” Hanzo quickly fixes his intense gaze on Angela, who hesitates just one second too long; Hanzo looks back at Genji with the most superior smirk Jesse has ever seen.Genji rolls back one shoulder, seemingly unperturbed. It’s hard to tell with the mask. “Overwatch is based on teamwork. We have all been in the position of requiring help from time to time. That is the reality of working with others—something that you, perhaps, could benefit to learn.”“I have worked in groups many times, as you are well aware.”“And the general of a group, what is their position, often?”“I do not have to explain myself to you.”“No, you just need to adhere to the new order of things.”“You should adhere to—”“I can’t wear that!”Everyone turns to look at Jesse.

The gunslinger clears his throat—he hadn’t really meant to shout—and squares his hips towards Genji. “I can’t put that on.”Genji lowers his arms and puts one hand on his hip, obviously sensing another mutineer. “And why not?”“There’s no way those things ain’t gonna ride up my groin like they’re goin’ for a chokehold. You ever see those boxer-briefs where the legs are just a tad too short on a guy with big thighs? Turn into tighty-whities before you can—”“Oh, please,” says Angela, barely suppressing an amused, if a little grossed-out grin. “I’ve seen you wear far more uncomfortable things for a mission, Jesse. It will only be for a couple hours.”“Certainly!” Reinhardt half-lifts his axe, “Remember those wet-suits in the North Sea? I could hardly breathe! And we were in those all day. Also, my thighs are far—”“Well I wasn’t dealin’ with localized bodily damage at the time, Rein.”“Damage?” Angela looks him up and down. “Are you hurt?”“Naw,” Jesse pulls the brim of his hat down, which he quickly realizes he should not have done, because most of them know him well enough to take that as a clear signal that he is hiding something. “I mean… not in any… it wouldn’t interfere.”

“It seems to be interfering now,” says Genji.“Jesse, if you are injured, you cannot just keep it to yourself. What if we had to ship out today?”“Tell us what it is, Jesse,” says Winston over the room com. “Better to take care of it now.”“It don’t need takin’ care of!” Jesse grumbles, his voice growing louder without his consent. “I just… I can’t be wearin’ shit like that.”Genji looks at the suit still in his hand, then slowly back at Jesse, who feels all the hairs on his arms stand up. “Is it a…” He gestures vaguely to his own pelvic area.“No! Jesus. I mean… not in the way you’re…”

Jesse’s throat closes up as he realizes the deep, deep hole he’s dug under his own feet. Everyone is staring at him with varying levels of suspicion, except for Hanzo, whose face looks more like… alarm? Apprehension?

Jesse sighs. Just get it over with.

He mumbles under his breath.“Sorry?” says Angela. Genji takes a step closer.“I sun-burned my perinmhihmm,” Jesse mutters a little louder, still barely legible.“Wait,” says Genji, who physically removes the com-link from the wall and holds it up to Jesse’s mouth, holding down the button so that his voice echoes like God’s judgment. “Can you just,” the cyborg almost trips over his barely-suppressed laughter, “Can you repeat that please Jesse?”Jesse stares him dead in his green-lit visor and, in his most confident drawl, announces to the entire room: “my pucker hole is crazy burned.”

The laughter hits them all differently: Genji’s head flies backwards with a sharp bark that dissolves into ludicrous snorting, Reinhardt brays one loud note that bounces off the walls again and again, Angela covers her mouth and laughs until Jesse sees her whole face turn red, and Hanzo, also hiding his mouth with his hand, lets his chuckles mostly just shake around inside his chest. He’s the only one who doesn’t look away from Jesse.

“Alright.” Jesse looks up towards the box where Mei is leaning over a console as if having a heart attack and Winston is trying to make sure she’s okay through his own chortling. “Alright, now. Ain’t that goddamn funny.”“Are you shitting me?” Genji, barely able to stay upright, shakes his open hand fingertips-first at Jesse, “How? How could that have possibly happened?”“It’s… it’s a type a’yoga! Shit. You never heard of it?” Jesse puts his hands on his hips, decides he might as well own it. “S’called ‘perineum sunning.’” While Genji collapses into laughter all over again, he goes on, “S’all about absorbing the sun into your body through your… your grundle.” Genji is almost on the floor now, repeating the word ‘grundle’ to himself like it’s a holy mantra. “I been having, y’know, trouble sleepin’ and the like… thought it’d boost my auric field with the power o’the sun and whatnot. Keep my life force from leaking out and all.”Now Genji is repeating ‘leaking’ to himself in a very high-pitched voice while Angela, bless her, manages enough self-control to speak. “Joking aside… Jesse, that does sound serious. Have you… done anything…?”“No! What am I supposed to do? Stick a biotic emitter up there and hope for the best?”“N-no,” says Angela, still fighting giggles but blessedly stepping in front of Reinhardt and Genji, who are both using Reinhardt’s hammer as a kind of crutch for their hysterics. “But some burn ointment may help. Do you have any aloe vera?”Jesse snorts. “Yeah… probably in my kit somewhere.”“You should apply some. Perhaps… perhaps you should sit out this session to do so. We can… ping Lucio to replace you.”“God, yes, please,” Genji wheezes, “Please let’s bring Lucio out here.”Fully aware that Lucio is not really an appropriate replacement for what he brings to the table, Jesse grumbles a thank-you and turns heel for the door. But right before he exits (since Genji and Reinhardt are still laughing), he sticks his head back in to add: “it’s an ancient fuckin’ Taoist practice!”

An hour later, someone knocks at Jesse’s door. He almost ignores it, but at the second knock—faster, snappier—he gets up to at least see who it is. If it’s Genji and Lucio come to taunt him, he can at least open the door with his gun in his hand.But it’s Hanzo, standing all regal with his hands resting inside his kimono jacket. Obviously still amused but doing a good job of trying to hide it. A much more welcome sight, despite everything.

Jesse taps the door command and leans on the frame with as much swagger as he can muster. “Well hey there. Sim went by kinda quick, huh?”“Yes,” says Hanzo, those perfectly-shaped lips toying with a smirk, “It was difficult to achieve adequate team cohesion after your… announcement.”“Well, ain’t my fault we’re workin’ with a couple’a gigglin’ frat boys,” Jesse sighs, stepping aside.

The door hisses shut behind Hanzo, who immediately walks to the console. “Athena, cease surveillance of this room. Command three dash eight hundred and four.”“Confirmed,” says Athena.“Still don’t know how you managed to swipe Winston’s command codes,” chuckles Jesse.“It was a crime of necessity.” Hanzo comes up close, presses against Jesse’s front. Chin tipped up to smirk at him. “I don’t want anyone seeing or hearing what I do to you.”Jesse opens his mouth to agree, but Hanzo seizes that opportunity to plant his own mouth there, tugging down on the gunslinger’s chin to line them up. Their arms wrap, their bodies slot, and Jesse lets out a low rumble of pleasure. Hanzo kisses him slower and warmer than he has yet and the effect is melting. Time goes still and Jesse swears he hears a bird singing.

“Wha,” Jesse clears his throat, when it’s over, looks down at Hanzo from heavy-lidded eyes. “What was that for?”“For lying for me,” Hanzo hums. “I will admit,” He playfully unbuttons Jesse’s flannel shirt, “That was the most unorthodox way of getting out of having to show a hickey I have ever heard of, but I commend your creativity.”“Huh?”Hanzo gently pats Jesse’s cheek, still smiling. “Stay with me, cowboy. I appreciate you keeping our time together a secret. I do not know how the others would have reacted if they saw what I did to your thighs.”“Oh.” Jesse takes a half-step back, still loosely holding Hanzo by the elbow with one hand while the other scratches at a side-burn. “Well… yeah, Han. I know you wanna keep things quiet for now.”“It is for both our benefit,” Hanzo mutters into Jesse’s jaw. “It is… I have never done this before. Nothing like this. I want to take things slowly.”“O’course. I mean, I… y’know I’ve had a shaky run of things, too. Though I’d yell it from the top of the rock this afternoon, if you gave the go-ahead.”Hanzo chuckles, that warm, resonant rumble that Jesse is already falling a little bit in love with. “Perhaps someday.”As he goes to kiss down Jesse’s throat, the gunslinger coughs a little. “Well, there’s… I mean, there’s that, but…”Hanzo’s smile fades as he blinks up at Jesse. A shadow of worry crosses his face and Jesse’s heart spasms in pain. “But what?”Jesse sighs again, only with ten times more despair than in the simulation room.“But I really did burn my pucker hole.”There’s a moment in which Hanzo just stares with gently widened eyes, as if he doesn’t understand. Then a bubble of disbelieving laughter makes his chest contract. “You…” More chuckles bubbles up and Jesse thinks it’d be damn endearing, the way this usually self-controlled man can’t hold back his laughter, if he didn’t feel a very real burn of embarrassment spreading across his own face. Not to mention the burn between his ass cheeks.“You what?” Hanzo asks, as if he is really trying to give Jesse the benefit of the doubt here.

“I went down on you for nigh on an hour yesterday on the top of a cliff with my bare ass pointed at a 3pm sun in the goddamn Mediterranean, Han! What did you think was gonna happen?” Jesse pauses, his eyes fly off somewhere up and to the left, then come back to Hanzo with his tone even higher-pitched: “and you don’t think I’d come up with a better lie than that if I had to!?”

“I didn’t… I am sorry, I did not…” Hanzo is practically choking, his hand slapped up over his mouth again.Jesse sighs. He looks at Hanzo, with his shaking shoulders and his bouncing bang-hair, and a rueful half-smile breaks through his irritation. “S’okay, darlin’. You can laugh. It’s funny.”Then Hanzo lets out a bark of laughter even louder and grander than Genji’s, his head tossing back in a very similar fashion. His hands tremble as they hold onto Jesse’s shirt flaps for dear life. The sight is almost enough to make Jesse forget about the horrible, horrible pain.It’s not long before the archer comes back down to earth. “I,” Hanzo starts, wiping away a tear, “I am deeply sorry for this… for your…”“Yeah, yeah.” Jesse adjusts the waistband of his loose sweatpants, which is about the only article of clothing his ass can stand now. “Never gonna live this one down, y’know that? Genji’s probably gonna bring it up at my goddamn funeral.”“I apologize,” Hanzo says, both hands still holding onto Jesse’s shirt. “Why did you not say something sooner?”“Couldn’t find the right words, I guess.”“‘My pucker hole is crazy burned’ now seem like the only right words.”Jesse scoffs and rolls his eyes and cackles into his hand, then winces as the movement makes his thighs shift too much. Suddenly he turns boyish: “it really hurts, sweetheart.”Then Hanzo draws forward with a sound like a low, rough coo, and smoothes out Jesse’s shirt. “If you are truly in need,” his eyes sweep up to Jesse’s and Jesse can’t express how much that adds to his downstairs discomfort, “I can assist you with that aloe vera.”“Really, Han, you ain’t gotta—”“I insist. It is the least I can do after your…” Hanzo gets closer, smirks with those cat-like eyes dangerously narrowed, “…Skilled favors.”Jesse feels a very different kind of burning and chuckles, looking off to the side. “Aww, Han. I don’t think that’ll be as enjoyable as you’re makin’ it sound…”“I will make it enjoyable.” He lowers his hand and palms over Jesse’s cock to prove his point. Licks Jesse’s bottom lip into his mouth and lets it slide out between his teeth.Well, shit. “Alright,” Jesse sighs, “You insisted and all.”

“Mmm,” Hanzo purrs, still rubbing Jesse through his sweats. “And do not worry about Genji. I know many stories of his that more than overshadow yours.”“As nice as that is, darlin’, I really don’t wanna talk about your brother right now.”“Then stop talking and get on the bed.”

#prompt #mchanzo #asks #robocryptid #my pucker hole is crazy burned #robo-cryptid

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shauna-m · 4 years

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DIARY 04/18/2004 – 18 yrs old

This is my first attempt at translating my old diaries into something readable. So please bear that in mind. There will be more and better ones but I wanted to start here.... July 18th 2004 – 18 yrs old (Some details altered to protect the weak. I also expanded & clarified in some places to make it make sense.) (I also edited some of the grammar and structure to make it easier for you all!) -------------------------------------------------------------- Oh! Do I have a secret to tell! Last night I guess you could say I lost my virginity to Tony Albert! I think... So Vicky (My best friend at the time) and I went to the fun in the sun water slides to hang out so Vikki could talk to a guy. Vicky’s sister drove us and dropped us off. Vicky’s guy said he was throwing a party at the barn on his dad’s farm and Vicky told him we would be there. I was kind of mad about that. We hung around the water park for a few hours and Vicky’s guy drove us home after his shift. We dug through Vicky’s closet looking for something to wear that didn’t look like it came from Walmart clearance. We are classy girls after all, but budget classy kind of girls. We found the best outfits we could find. Vicky’s sister let us wear her real gold hoop earrings! She’s the best sister I think! I wore a dark blue sun dress and Vicky wore a black miniskirt and a tanktop. She did not put on deodorant and smelled a little funky by the time we got to the party.When we arrived, the party was already going on. Beer kegs and tables of chips and stuff. Vicky’s guy greeted us and handed us beers from the keg. Its like having a real bar outside! Cool! I was introduced to Tony. I knew Tony from school but we never talked. I have never been the person many people stop and talk to. I like it that way. Tony moved around talking to loads of people but would always walk by me and wink, or point finger guns at me, or make a joke and I would laugh. I don’t think he was funny really but I know you are supposed to laugh at jokes. I decided at that moment that he was going to be my first sex! The party was super lame. Some guys brought guitars and played a little music and I was not impressed. Was I supposed to be? I don’t know, gatherings freak me the fuck out. Vicky abandoned me a long time ago and I was just sitting there like a freak, but at least no one but Tony bothered me. Tony is a popular guy in school and he is in sports. I watched a football game last year with him in it. They said he was really fast! He finally came to talk to me after a while. He asked me if I wanted to see something cool. I said I did. He grabbed my hand and helped me up and I followed him. We walked around the barn and there were other little buildings, most of them were empty. We headed toward one of the house looking ones, and I was following him. I thought how easy it would be to hide bodies out here. We entered in one of these small buildings and it looked like it hasn’t been used in years. It still smelled bad though.There was some light coming in from a light on the side of the barn. He pointed down at the ground and there was an animal skeleton. He said it was a fox. It was like a painting really all the bones still there and tufts of fur in small piles around it. He said I was a fox. I thought he meant I was a dead fox and I asked him why. He said I was sexy. I had never been called sexy before. I think he was drunk, and that has to be why. He told me he hasn’t been kissed in a while and if I wanted to kiss him I could. I nodded and walked up to him. He was much taller than I was and leaned down and we kissed quickly. It probably wasn’t a good kiss for him but I felt it all over. I held back the urge to hurt him and run away. Where would this go? I asked if we could kiss again and he agreed. We kissed longer and used tongue. I was breathing heavy and it felt very weird. Like fear but I liked it. I was breathing heavy and he asked me if I was ok. He kissed me again and put his hand on my boob. Then he asked if he could touch my boob. I nodded and he squeezed it pretty hard. I couldn’t stop kissing him. I was tingling all over and after a bit my boob was numb. He moved his hand to my crotch. I stopped kissing him and I stood there and didn’t move. I had thoughts racing in my head. Memories and then now reality. I put my hand over his and pushed it further over my vaj so I could feel it. He was rubbing too high up, and then I jumped at his face kissing him again. I think I may have moaned. Embarrassing! It felt really good and so I asked him if wants to have sex and he plopped me on the ground right next to a dead fox. I never saw his peen. It was dark and he was shaking and hurrying trying to get his pants down. I just puled up my dress and I was so wet I could feel something trickling down my butthole. I could hear some people walking by but they didn’t come in. He got down between my legs and I felt him put it in me. It didn’t hurt really, but then again I didn’t think it would anymore. It felt like a warm hug inside me. Pressure for a minute and then he started pushing and pulling. After a few minutes it was starting to feel really good. He pulled out of me and grunted a few times. I asked if he was ok. He said he was and he zipped up his pants really fast and helped me stand up. I don’t think sex is supposed to be that quick. He asked me if he could get me a beer and I asked for a soda instead. Beer tastes like bad bread! Eesh! I don’t know why he quit in the middle of having sex with me, maybe I didn’t feel good to him. I doubt he will talk to me at school next year but I don’t really care. I wanted to try something new and I did. I doubt I will do that again for a while because I don’t think sex is like the movies. I don’t think anything is like the movies. I did manage to get the fox skull though. I think I will make something out of it. Tony you are my lucky first! Next time don’t be afraid to finish. 04/18/2004 -------------------------------------------------------- NOTES: So yeah.. I had to do some major surgery on this entry because I kept a lot of the details out of the original entries that I had written. I also used code words and things like that, so if anyone ever read it they may get the gist but not the details. I did leave real names in my diary which was not smart if I coded the rest right? I kept 99% of the entry intact and in a few places added details that I had left out. Anyhow, Tony and Vicky were real names but I changed Tony’s last name for this, and we haven’t talked since that night really. Knowing what I know now about the world I know that he didn’t just stop in the middle. Well.. Maybe the middle for me but it was the end for him was about a whopping 2 or 3 minutes if that.. How naïve I was. I still don’t think sex is like the movies. I think it can be much better than movies if you allow yourself to go there. This is not the best entry by far but I wanted to basically start this from the beginning.. I may rewrite this someday but I am new to all this...

#Sex Diary #naughty #lost virginity #How it all started?

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the-yerkes-dodson-curve · 5 years

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SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE NEW SANDERS SIDES VIDEO

This is gonna be a long post. I have a lot of thoughts about this episode. There is going to be some serious talk about my own personal experiences with violent intrusive thoughts and also me just appreciating this amazing episode.

I was one of the people that was convinced it was going to be about depression. I am so glad it wasn’t. A lot of people have talked about depression, but no one, at least as far as I know, have really touched upon intrusive thoughts. I had the exact same dilemma as Thomas last year where I thought I was going insane because I couldn’t control my own brain and I had a horrible mental breakdown and I was convinced I was a horrible person because of my intrusive thoughts. I cried and talked to people about it and through doing so it was made clear to me that these intrusive thoughts were just that, thoughts. Nothing more. They hold nothing over me. I still suffer from them, but now I know what they are.

I was also certain there wasn’t going to be another side introduced. It’s been a year since Deceit was introduced, we’ve only just gotten to know Deceit a little better, there won’t be another side. BOY WAS I WRONG

The episode starts with Thomas, Virgil and Patton trying not to think about the intrusive thoughts he was having that kept him awake. I have intrusive thoughts like that all the time. I vividly imagine my family members dying, or even myself dying. I vividly imagine someone breaking into the house and killing me. My brain does what Virgil and Patton do, freak out and try to think about something else. This video has made me realise how much I repress thoughts like that.

My anxiety also makes me have intrusive thoughts. Whenever I have an anxiety attack I vividly imagine myself killing myself in gory detail because I’ve gotten into this cycle of hating myself whenever I have an attack. I get scared, what if I lose control one day and these thoughts become reality?

I love how the audio became muffled and the intrusive thought creeped in. I like to think of the mind like a radio, tuning in and out of different frequencies, and sometimes, or most of the time like for me, you can’t control the frequencies it jumps to. And suddenly you’re imagining your loved one being killed or dying.

I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER WHEN THOSE HANDS CREEPED OUT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING A NEW SIDE AT ALL

I WAS SO TERRIFIED

HOLY SHIT THAT CHARACTER DESIGN I AM IN LOVE STRAIGHT AWAY

BUT AAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE HELL

When he smacked Roman in the head and knocked him out I was so shook, this Sanders Sides has stepped into totally new territory

LOOK AT HIM OMG HE HAS A MOUSTACHE I WASN’T EXPECTING A NEW SIDE TO HAVE FACIAL HAIR HOLY SHIT

THE DUKE

HIS VOICE

HE HAS A DIFFERENT VOICE

THERE IS NO ENDING TO THOMAS’ TALENT

The way the song starts is eVeRyThInG

THESE EFFECTS I CAN’T DEAL AAAAAAAAA

I FUCKING SCREAMED

HIS SIX ARMS I LOVE IT REMUS’ SASSY STANCE I AM LIVING FOR IT

If you shared those musings with your friends, I doubt they would forgive you.

Gosh. I relate to this too much. I was so scared that I would somehow reveal these bad thoughts to people and they would hate me and everyone would hate me and think I was an awful person.

Even though everybody sins, everybody dies.

FAVOURITE PART OF THE SONG HANDS DOWN THOMAS’ VOICE IS AMAZING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Why deny yourself knowledge, say, knowledge of yourself!

These lyrics are amazing. They encapsulating what I was thinking when I had really bad intrusive thoughts. I still have them, but when I first started noticing I had them I spiralled so far down. “What if this is who I am...what if I’m not the nice person I think I am?”

hELP I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM BUT I LOVE HIM

I always love the villain. I hate everything they’ve done and don’t condone any of it, but I absolutely love them, especially if they are as fabulous as the Duke Remus.

These sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man whose soul is truly rotten.

Oof. I relate to that thought process.

So let all your hopes of heaven be forgotten, ‘cause your head’s not in the gutter, pal, it’s in hell!

I wasn’t expecting religious imagery. I really love that. I don’t relate to the religious ideas brought up in this episode as I am not religious, but I do love the fact that he talked about them. Also, when Deceit said, “Wow, Thomas, it seems that your moral compass is pointed south, towards hell!” that was definitely foreshadowing for Thomas to spiral into this. That’s why Patton reacted so viscerally to that comment.

Remus: Juicy butthole!

Me:

Me: what...what is happening in this Sanders Sides

THIS FACE I LOVE IT

THE JAZZ HANDS AND THE HIGH VOICE AAAAAA WHY DO I LOVE HIM AND HATE HIM

Patton did a real good job!

Oh my goodness, this precious boi.

How about...DEMENTED?

I C H O K E D

What is my deal? Um, bitch? What is YOUR deal?

My exact thought process. “Am I actually a horrible person because I’m having such awful thoughts like this, there’s definitely something wrong with me...but I can’t stop it...”

Oh no....oh no!

My heart broke at the horror and sadness that washes over Thomas’ and Patton’s face.

another good remus screenshot

Oh my goodness, the way he tortures Logan throughout the episode was awful for me to watch cause MY BABY LOGAN, but I love how Logan doesn’t react. I love Logan’s determination.

You bastard.

IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING HELL YES VIRGIL

I’d love to see the bloopers for this bit, oh my gosh.

Ooh! How fun! You know who could help us with that?

AWW MAN YOU GOT MY HOPES UP XDD

That’s what repression is!?

I love Patton’s reaction, cause I had the same reaction. Repression is so easy to do cause you often don’t know you are doing it.

This is not about me wanting to be listened to. You all are not listening to Thomas.

THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OH MY GOSH

Virgil: But what if he’s lying?

Logan: I can assure you, he’s not. You’re just para- expressing an unhealthy amount of concern. Thank you for being on guard. But for now, you must listen.

I love this part so much. It calls back to when Roman almost called Virgil paranoid, but then switched it to vigilant. Logan realised he was getting too worked up and angry and so stopped himself. This is great development from when he lashed out at Roman in Learning New Things About Ourselves. Calling Virgil “paranoid” is destructive and will make Virgil not feel listened to. He is aware of that. He is making sure Virgil still feels like he’s a valued part of Thomas’ mind.

another good remus screenshot

THAT IS WHY I SAY IT!

GOSH I LOVE LOGAN SO MUCH YES LOGAN GO OFF

I love being given two d’s at once!

Me:

Me: ...again what is happening

When Logan revealed that the problem was within Patton and Virgil, my heart dropped. I wasn’t expecting that.

Record scratch!?

I LOVE HIM AAAAA

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AM I COOL DOES THIS MAKE ME COOL

OMG PRECIOUS BOI AAAA

I WAS SO SHOOK WHEN HE SAID HIS NAME JUST LIKE THAT

ALSO THAT SLY DIG AT VIRGIL AAAAA

oof. this sad boi. :”(

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine!

OMG I JUST REALISED THIS IS WHAT ROMAN SAYS AT THE END AAAAA

I S C R E A M E D

we just witnessed a side die guys

the angst fanfiction is coming to life

The Duke only has power over you because Virgil and Patton believe that he does.

Hit me hard. I’ve never related more to a Sanders Sides episode.

This. THIS. So poignant and brilliant! This is how it feels!

good logan screenshot

Virgil was right. Not all thoughts are meaningful.

This idea is what helped me better deal with intrusive thoughts. Your brain just fires random thoughts at you, they don’t necessarily mean anything.

I mean, look at him now! He barely got any rest due in large part to you two chastising him all night!

I love how Logan tells them off. UGH I LOVE HIM

And that is why the Duke feels like such a threat, in part, at least. The feeling that you may be a bad person who doesn’t have control over yourself or your destiny, causes you to fear that you may actually act on these thoughts.

Gosh this episode is hitting me hard.

It’s okay.

Everything is okay.

Logan’s soft voice as he said that made me emotional. His whole speech here is so lovely and helpful. It is okay to have these thoughts cross your mind. You are not a horrible person.

His talk about going to therapy is amazing too. It’s so inspiring. It has encouraged me to want to go back to the therapy because of my recent increase in violent intrusive thoughts.

Oh my goodness, Patton’s realisation and development. This is lovely.

You tickle me, emo!

...was that a tickle me elmo reference

Good seeing you again, Virgil! It was just like old times!

Me:

Me: wAIT A MINUTE--

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine! NO! Ugh...I mean...I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean that.

THERE’S SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THIS EPISODE I CAN’T DEAL

Thomas: You’re really...cool.

Logan: ...heh.

Me: ACTUALLY SOBBING

THESE TWIN BROTHERS OH MY GOODNESS YES

It shows you...everything you don’t want to be.

There are some really hard hitting lines in this episode.

I’m a little disappointed in myself.

The others. I thought I knew how to handle them.

Yeah, but, I should know better.

Because I was one of them.

Virgil being insecure about his power and how much he can protect Thomas almost makes me cry. That last line...oh my goodness. Thomas and his team really know how to write a narrative. It seems that we’re gonna get some lore and backstory at some point after all.

Thomas and his team have done such a good job with this episode. It is my favourite Sanders Sides by far because of the fact that this topic has not really been talked about much, and they talked about it and showed what it’s like so brilliantly. I respect Thomas so much for pushing the boundaries of his channel to talk about this. Thank you, Thomas. I and and so many people needed this.

I realise that I need to go back to therapy. Thank you, Logan for encouraging me.

#ts spoilers #sanders sides #logan sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #deceit sanders #remus sanders #dealing with intrusive thoughts #thomas sanders

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chikkampli · 5 years

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That one crappy 7 page angsty Saiouma fic NOBODY asked for (vague mentions of suic*de i guess???)

It was just another day.

Another day in which the unstoppable Supreme Leader of Evil™ was bawling his eyes out.

Kokichi didn't know why he was crying, he just was. Who am I kidding, of course he knew why he was crying, but this wasn't a common occurrence. The small, purple-haired male knew his mental stability was slowly deteriorating and falling away into nothing, but he still kept up his act of being the unbreakable and strong leader. Nobody understood that he just *had* to keep up this facade; it was the only thing keeping him from feeling even more emotionally vulnerable than he already felt. He hates it, he hates everything and everybody. He hates his parents, he hates his classmates, everybody.

He hated how they let him suffer. He hated how they never asked if he was okay. He hated how nobody cared. He hated that he was treated like he didn't matter. He hated that everybody hated him, so he had to act like the actual villain. Kokichi knew nothing was his fault, he tried telling himself that every single day. His inner voice chanting things like It's not your fault. They're just messed up people. You're a good person. It's not your fault. But now...he just felt like he was lying to himself. He made them hate him. The Supreme Leader of Evil™, Kokichi Oma, made everybody hate him. Why? Because he sucked.

He was weak and frail, too kind for his own good. He was taken advantage of. And that's why people hated him in the past. Now, he's become stronger. Stronger in a sense of hiding your true feelings behind fake confidence, malice, and lies. Now that's why people hated him now. He is no good, messed up, stupid, unworthy of forgiveness, and a liar. That was the part people hated about him so, so much.

His lies. He lied so much that it made people assault him multiple times before, but he always got back at them with his petty nature, often succeeding. People hated how he always got his way, no matter what. And his way was what most people call "bad". That his way was the worst way humanly possible.

Kokichi sniffled, “...This...this is what you wanted right? For people to hate you? Stop being a baby and man up. You chose to be this way, you chose to be the villain. You made this decision on your own. Don't go crying over how you're all sad and lonely and unloved. You are a nuisance, and you will always be a nuisance. You stupid, low-life liar.”

His tone gradually became more and more angry each letter he spit out, “You're so stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! Continue how you are! Nobody will ever love you and nobody will ever help you. You're happiest this way,” his voice was wavering, “Y-You're happiest this way. Nobody...Nobody will ever mistreat you ever again. You're so smart. The greatest!”

Kokichi chuckled a bit, until he started laughing as loudly as he could. “AHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA AAAAAAA! NEE-HEEHEE...HEE...Hee...hee...heh…” The boy started breaking down into tears again, shaking uncontrollably. He couldn't help it. Today was the worst.

“Try to catch me if you can, Harumaki-chan!! Maki-Roll! Harukawa-san!! Maki-chan! Nee-heehee!” Kokichi ran as fast as he could around the school, hiding in every place possible. His small frame was handy after all, being 5 '1 AND 19 (almost 20) had its perks. Why was he running from the female assassin, you may ask? Well the answer was simple.

He stole her promise ring. Only because they had a rivalry going on. Definitely not because he was jealous of Maki Harukawa finding a person she loved and not him (Spoiler alert: he was jealous because of that!). He spotted the boys’ locker room, clearly having a chance to hide and rest before moving on, he ran inside. He stopped running once he entered the boy's locker room. He tried to take in as much air as he could quietly and started to regulate his breathing. He looked around. ‘Hm...it's empty in here. That's weird.’ Kokichi held back a chuckle as he decided to hide in one of the lockers. Yes, he was that small. Once he was fully inside and in a comfortable position, he covered his mouth with his left hand, breathing quietly through his nose, and used his right hand to fish for the ring in his pocket. The moment he set his hands on it, he felt around in his other pocket for his phone. He hadn't had a good look at it since he basically stole it and got caught by the one and only Maki Harukawa. He turned on his phone and shined the brightness onto the ring, it was gorgeous in every single possible way a ring could be. It was a golden ring, with leaves and vines engraved on it, leading up to the gem. It was a crimson-colored gem, Kokichi assumed it was a ruby, he wasn't good with jewels at all. The ruby complimented the whole entire ring, making it 10000× more beautiful. On the perimeter of the ring were white, clear gems. Kokichi assumed that they were diamonds.

On the inside was a sentence. The engraved words said, “Forever mine, Kaito Momota”. Kokichi almost felt bad. Almost. This was a very pretty ring. ‘For a very ugly girl.’ Kokichi snickered at his butthole-eyness. It was very classic, but it never gets old. He looked down at the ring and decided that he should return it to Maki as soon as possible. He always returned the things he stole from his classmates, but this one was urgent. He had return it ASAP. He didn't know why he felt like he had to, maybe it was because he felt a bit of compassion for his arch nemesis. Or maybe because he felt he was stealing a symbol of love. Kokichi didn't know. He smiled, Kaito really loved her. Even though Kaito was always at his neck for things he did, Maki and Kaito made a cute couple. Kokichi would've felt horrible if something like this happened to one of his real-life OTPs. Kokichi sighed contently and exited the locker.

Once he got out, he stretched his petite body. He was sure he hadn't been in there for long, but his limbs were kind of stiff. But the thing is, he was there for a long time. He just lost track of time. He walked out of the locker room, only to see a raging Kaito sprinting towards him. ‘Well shit.’ Once Kaito caught up to him, he slapped the Kokichi.

Kokichi stumbled back a few steps and looked up at the male, hand touching where he slapped him. The smaller boy started grinning. “Well...that was different from your usual punch. What's the hold up, Momo-kun? Kaito? Hero?”

Kaito clenched his teeth, “You know what I want. So give it to me. Now!”

This was unusual for Kaito. He would usually be more reckless and loud, but this time...the rage was quietly emitting off of him. The negative energy present, even in a 50-mile radius. Kokichi felt nervous, but he didn't show it. The purple-haired fetus put on a bored expression, “Geez, fine, here's the stupid ring.” He flung it at his chest, the gem reflecting the sun beautifully. Man, Kokichi was *super* jealous. “What does it matter anyway? You guys are probably gonna get divorced or whatnot, so why promise something that might not happen? Hey, where's Maki anyway? I'm surprised she isn't here,” he gasped dramatically, “Is she scared of me? O-Omigod. Score-!”

“Shut up.” Kaito stared at Kokichi, his purple eyes glowing. Like Maki's, but Maki's is way more intense. “You have no idea what you've done, do you even know how important that ring is to the both of us? No, you don't. Why? Because you don't have anybody to love, and nobody to love you back. Isn't that right, Kokichi?”

Kokichi's bored expression didn't falter. Moments later, it turned into a huge grin. He was so good at acting like nothing phased him at all. “Aw, Kaito! Your words are pathetic! A Supreme Leader of Evil™ doesn't need or want anybody to love them, or anybody to love! Oh my GOD, you're so dumb! Look,” he chuckled, “you already have the ring. Go back to your little Harumaki or whatever. You're wasting my precious time!” he stomped his right foot onto the ground, smirking smugly as he looked Kaito in the eyes. “Read my lips. I. Don't. Care.”

Kaito exhaled deeply, trying to not beat the other boy until he's dead. “...I'll see you later, Kokichi.” He walked off leaving a grinning Kokichi alone.

Once Kokichi was sure Kaito left, and more importantly, that he was alone, he sighed sadly. His grin turned into a frown, and his once confident pose turned into an insecure slouch. No, he was not going to cry right now, not today, not ever. Crying is for the weak, you can’t cry! Kokichi Oma, the Supreme Leader of Evil™, cannot cry! The people who look up to your evil cannot see this act of weakness. It’s pathetic, and a supreme leader is not pathetic! Kokichi Oma is not pathetic! Kokichi told himself this for the remainder of the day, before he came home from school. Those words that came out of Kaito’s mouth really hurt him. He had never expected someone like...like Kaito to tell him that he was basically unloveable. It only further proved to him that his entire existence was a mistake. It should be erased. Nobody needs someone like himself in this world. He only causes problems and...and he doesn’t deserve love. He doesn’t deserve life. He is just a waste of space. A waste of life. His life is meaningless. He only brings despair and all those negative feelings into the world, so why should he exist? Why should people like him exist?

Kokichi Oma deserves to die.

· ·

Kokichi took several deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm himself. He didn’t need nor want to be in this emotional state so he tried breathing exercises. It didn’t work, he relapsed into, once again, ugly sobbing.

“Why…? Why? Why am I like this?! What did I do to deserve this? Maybe it’ll just be better if I just die.”

Little did he know, a certain navy blue-haired male was listening on the other side of the wall, devastated at the state his neighbor was in. Their apartment walls were thin, and Shuichi Saihara was Kokichi Oma’s next-door neighbor. Shuichi was just enjoying his evening tea and reading one of his new mystery novels he picked up at the bookstore, when he heard quiet sobs from the wall. He ears were immediately fixated on the sobs, but he didn't know if he should comfort the boy next door or not, so he kept quiet and tried to focus on his novel, but he couldn’t. The sobbing had gotten louder and louder, and even sentences started coming out. Shuichi felt very uncomfortable. Then it stopped for a few moments, shaky breaths and little hiccups resounding in his bedroom. After those moments, Kokichi started to cry even louder than before. ‘I can’t just leave him alone…he’s obviously hurting! I have to help him in any way I possibly can! Maybe talking through the wall might help...since his sobs are so prominent…’

Shuichi bookmarked the page he was on and scooted over to the wall the sobs were most prominent. He was a little reluctant to speak, he didn't know how to comfort the other person. Once he had fully prepared himself, he spoke. “Hello? Do you need somebody to talk to?” Shuichi spoke like he was doing a school or work presentation.

The sobbing abruptly stopped, the person’s breathing was still uneven and little hiccups could be heard. Shuichi fidgeted. Was this a bad idea? Probably. Some people get nervous and anxious around new people. It was quiet for a moment until a weak, hoarse voice called out.

“Am I going crazy? Oh god, no. I don’t want a voice inside my head! Not now, not ever! Go away, you stupid voice!”

The vulnerability and harshness of the voice startled Shuichi for a second, then he spoke up. “I’m not a voice inside your head, I’m your neighbor. My name’s Shuichi Saihara. I want to help you. I heard you...crying on the other side of the wall. Today was horrible, wasn’t it?”

Kokichi stayed quiet for a moment. He was caught! Oh, the embarrassment he has to deal with later! But for now, he didn’t care. He wanted and needed anything to make him feel better.

“Kokichi Oma. My name is Kokichi Oma.”

Shuichi recognized that name. It was the name of the person Maki and Kaito hated so much. They said he had no sympathy, no true emotions, and that he couldn’t genuinely cry. That Kokichi Oma was heartless. Shuichi never believed that, and he definitely doesn’t believe that now. This Kokichi Oma was crying. Sobbing.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kokichi. So...let’s start with the basics. What happened today that made you feel the way you feel right now?”

Kokichi shifted into a more comfortable position, and leaned a bit closer to the wall. His bed wasn't touching the wall, so it would've been impossible to touch it without falling over. “Well, I deserve to feel this way. I took my arch nemesis’s promise ring. I know, a pretty shitty move if you ask me. Well anybody, really. I knew it was a shitty move. I have to be the villain after all. Don’t pretend you didn’t know what I said to myself before you butted in, I know you heard it. These walls are so hopelessly thin,” Kokichi frowned at the thought. Somebody just had to hear him sobbing his little heart out. As if this day couldn’t get any worse. “Anyway...I do a lot of unnecessary things. Like stealing, teasing, just to make people hate me. So I stole her promise ring. Then her boyfriend found me, I guess he already knew I took it so he got scarily mad and ordered me to give it back to him. I did, but I threw it at his chest. Classic Kokichi move. I basically told him that they were probably gonna get divorced or break up anyway so it wouldn’t matter in the long run,” Kokichi yawned, all this crying made him kind of sleepy. “He got mad and then told me that basically nobody loves me. And he couldn’t be any more right then. I, being me, told him that he was stupid for thinking that was an insult because I don’t need anybody to love or anybody to love me. But his words stuck with me. It made me think about my whole life from beginning to end. How I was abused, to the bullies at school, to my parents, even the rest of my family. Nobody has ever shown me genuine love and genuine patience. Even now they don’t. I put up this front so I couldn’t be hurt anymore...but everything hurts so much. I can’t take it anymore, Shuichi. I can’t!”

“It's okay, Kokichi. Cry it out, I know you're holding your sobs. Everything will be fine within time, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel vulnerable at times. It's okay. Let it all out,” Shuichi said in the most melodic and comforting tone he could muster, hoping and praying it would help the other male in the slightest.

It was silent for a moment, before he heard soft whimpers. Soft whimpers turned into crying, crying turned into sobbing, and sobbing turned into ugly sobbing. Shuichi swore he could feel the other boy's body shaking and fidgeting. He could feel it.

“I...I just don't know if I can k-keep on d-doing this, S-Shuichi. I've been lying a-and p-pranking and doing this and that for a-a-all these years and just look at me! I'm not e-even an o-o-ounce stronger than I was before. I'm j-just as w-weak, but now I can hide it better. Nothing changed.”

Shuichi just listened to the other male. The broken sobs escaping Kokichi's mouth almost made him cry, but he had to stay strong. Kokichi seemed like the person who didn't want their feelings affecting themselves and others, so he'd just have to cry later.

Kokichi continued, “I'm just the same. They were right. I have no place in this world. I'm not worthy of anything,” he got quiet, his shaky breaths the only thing Shuichi could hear.

“No, that's wrong! I may not know you that well, but I know damn well that you do have a place in this world, and you ARE worthy of things! You are worth more than you think you do. I can't really say anything about your personality, because I don't know much,” Shuichi voice softened, “but I know you're a very good person deep down. You're just troubled, is all. All you need is a loving environment. And that environment can start with me. I, Shuichi Saihara, will become your friend.”

The lilac-eyed male went silent. This stranger, he barely knows...wants to be his friend? Does he know what he's getting into? Being friends...with a liar like him. Can this stranger become any stupider? “...I don't think you want that…”

“I want it, I'm sure of it.”

“Plenty of people didn't want me in the first place. Why you?”

“Because I know you're a good person.”

“I'm not that great. I'm a nuisance.”

“No you're not. You are very great.”

“You barely even know me.”

“So?”

“So? You have no idea what I'm like normally.”

“But I know who you are on the inside, and that beats everything.”

“That's stupid.”

“No it's not.”

The two bickered on for a while, before Kokichi finally gave in. “Fine. Don't regret it.”

Shuichi smiled, “I won't.”

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yoongs-yoongi · 5 years

Text

Let’s Pretend: Three

Yoongi X Reader

Contains: Slight Angst, Comedy, Eventual Smut

Warnings: Implied Parental Bullying, Bullying, Yoongi being the sweetest (uwu!!)

Word Count: 3,543

A/N: Kinda long.

| One | Two | Three |

Yoongi held his stomach laughing, he’s going at it so hard he fell from his spot on the bed and onto the floor. We’ve been lying on his bed peacefully with me telling him about everything. All was going fine up until he heard me saying the nickname my mother had given me.

“It’s not that fun-“ Yoongi howled louder, cutting me off. I pursued my lips, fighting a smile my damn self. I’m not laughing with him, I just have this thing where I smile or laugh at someone else laughing or smiling.

His laughter turned into coughing, “See you’re gonna make yourself sick, will you stop already?”

“Somebody should have stopped your mother from giving you that nickname. Button!” He started up again.

“It’s a very common nickname!”

“On what planet?”

I threw one of his pillows at him. It didn’t phase him, he was laughing harder if that were even possible. A tomato with hair was what he had become, his face was so red. I suffered through his choking laughter for another 20 minutes. Once he was done he crawled back on the bed, still giggling to himself. “Okay, I’m done.”

“You sure?” I asked, agitated.

He nodded, a sly grin proudly plastered on his face. I rolled my eyes, “Aw don’t be mad, button.” He pinched my cheeks.

“Goodnight.” I headed for his door. He was starting up again. “No, I’m sorry!” He jumped up and barricaded himself between me and the door. “I won’t start laughing again, I’ll be good.”

“I don’t believe you, move.”

“I’m serious, I won’t. You don’t look like your family nickname would be Button. I’m was taken back a little, that’s all.”

“Well, it is,” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat back on his bed. Yoongi turned off the lights and got back on the bed with me.

“Why’d you turn the lights off?” I asked.

“It’s nearly midnight, you might as well sleep in here with me.” He laid next to me. Damn, we’ve been talking for that long? I looked over at the clock to see he was right, 11:45 his clock read. I nodded and got under the covers with him. I played with the strings on his hoodie. It was quiet for a minute until Yoongi spoke.

“I want you to know you really hurt me by not telling me about this sooner, I mean your own mother Y/N.”

“My intentions were never to hurt you Yoongi. It was a part of my life I wanted to forget, and didn’t want anyone worrying about it.”

“How’d that work out for you?” He sat up looking at me.

“Not so good. I never brought her up and to make sure no one else did so I said she was dead, I didn’t see the harm to until now. I’m really sorry. Please don’t be mad.” I pouted

“Not mad, just disappointed. I get it, after everything you told me tonight I could understand why you would choose to say she was dead, it was easier.”

“Wayyy easier.” I chuckled.

“Still a shitty thing for you to do.”

I pulled on the strings so his face would disappear behind the crumbled up hood. He still spoke, his mouth was the only thing I could see.

“What I don’t understand is how you nearly tackle me or one of the guys when we ever were having a personal issue and we show it, but when it comes to you-you don’t heed your own advice. Like you always say, we have the type of friendship where we can come to each other with anything no matter what,” He took his hood off, “or does that only apply when it’s your shoulder that’s being cried on?

He uncovered in time to see my nose twitching and I’m pretty sure he could hear my heavy breathing, stupid tears. Yoongi said no more. He gently tugged me into his warm embrace.

I could smell the washing detergent in his clothes and the lotion he put on after his shower. It was comforting.

So comforting the urge to cry got stronger, my emotions got the best of me and before I knew it the dam broke. I was sobbing violently. Yoongi held me like new a born child, rocking me slightly.

He let me cry into his chest until I fell asleep. When he isn’t being a butthole he can be really sweet.

I woke up hours later, the sun was barely up. I didn’t need any light to let me know that Yoongi’s chest had been replaced with his face. I felt his breath tickling my nose when I woke up instead of the steady rhythm of his heart.

I took a moment to stare at his facial features, something I secretly did. I can’t help it, he resembles a sleeping princess waiting for his prince to awaken him with true loves first kiss. I gently touched one of his long eyelashes. He didn’t budge so I strummed my finger through the fine hairs, he moved when I did that.

I pulled away and waited for him to settle back down. “Note to self, go as Snow White for Halloween next years and make Yoongi be Snow White. I’ll be the Prince,” I mumbled to myself.

I got up quietly, trying not to wake him up. I crept to my room to change out of my clothes from yesterday. I settled for my Winnie The Pooh sweatshirt and some old sweats I had lying around my room. I went into the bathroom to wash my face of the dried tears and to brush my teeth. Hoesok, my co-worker would be coming by soon to pick up his phone he asked me to fix. He and his girlfriend were attempting to get a quickie in the alleyway at work one night and his phone fell from his pocket onto the pavement.

Why he doesn’t have a screen protector or phone case? Anyone’s guess is as good as mine. I made my way to the kitchen, I cut on the coffee maker and got to work.

Meanwhile...

“Are you sure everything is set up Tara, I don’t wanna get my hopes up again like last time.” Karen snared. Tara rolled her eyes, holding her phone in between her cheek and her shoulder.

She unscrewed the medicine cap off her one of pill bottles, “Trust me, everything will go as planned.”

Cordell walked in with a tray with a single glass of water sitting in the middle of it.

“Here you at madam-“ Tara snatched the water.

“Be here sooner. I hate when these things touch my tongue.” She winced, knocking half the glass of water back.

“Ugh, know go.” She shooed him away like one of the dogs.

Cordell backed out of the room. Tara closed her bedroom door, she knows how nosey Cordell can be.

Cordell shook his head, simple woman. He walked to the laundry room and pulled down the door to her laundry shoot. He could hear everything that Tara said, what kind of butler would he be if he didn’t spy?

There isn’t a single thing that goes on in the house that he doesn’t know about.

“Y/N is coming and when she does we’ll set our plan in motion.

“How do you know she’s coming?”

“Trust me, she’ll be here. Does Markus know?”

“Yes, he knows.”

“Perfect.” Tara purred.

“I’m still worried Tara. Y/N went bonkers last time her marrying Markus came up, what if-

“The only reason things went the way they did was because of your big mouth. If you allowed things to go my way we’d both have what we want, and more. Just keep your mouth shut this time and let me handle things.”

“I knew it.” Cordell mouthed to his self. He knew the witch was up to something.

“ I have to warn Y/N.”

Cordell marched upstairs to his room to fetch your new contact information

“Where did I put that paper?” He rifled through be belongings.

********

“Get a screen protector and phone case, the next time this thing breaks and I find out it was broke during Mr. Nasty Time I’m charging you extra. “ He didn’t even get a chance to walk in before I shoved the bag with his newly fixed phone in it.

“I brought one last night. Mind putting it on for me? There’s a part on the side I don’t get how to undo.”

I grabbed the expensive looking case from his hand. “How do you know it comes a loose and it isn’t actually a piece to a custom made phone?”

“The guy at the store said it does.”

I gave him a look, “Really? You’re gonna believe a guy who charged you an arm and a leg for a phone case.”

“So you’re telling me he lied to me?” He panicked.

“Oh no it comes off,” I slid my finger under the hidden latch. “I just could have made you one for half the price you paid for this one, possibly even given you a deal.”

“Why didn’t you?” He exclaimed. “You ever heard of the phrase ‘ask and you shall receive?’ You didn’t ask so you didn’t receive.” I got up from my chair and went into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” I asked.

“Please.” He took a seat at the bar.

“It might be a little weak, I haven’t had any spare change to buy anymore,” I said over my shoulder to him.

“It’s fine. Thank you, and for fixing my phone too.”

“No prob, Bob.” I turned back around to face him, handing him his coffee. He took a sip, satisfied with the taste. “Hobi I may be going out of town this weekend.”

“Oh? Where you going?”

“To visit family.” Was all I said. Hobi is a good friend, but we’re not that close I would disclose personal information to him.

He simply nodded, “I’ll let Ellie know. She’s been wanting some days.” Ellie is Hobi’s cousin. She isn’t technically a worker seeing as we only call her in when one of wants a day off. “How long will you be gone?”

“Only for the weekend, I’ll be back Monday.”

“Okay. Are you going by yourself?”

“Nope, she’s not,” Yoongi yawned coming out the room with messy bed head. “Hey Hobi.” Yoongi waved. “Hey man.”

He tugged on my ear passing behind me to get some coffee. I shooed him off.

“Up before noon? On a day off? It’s snowing in hell.”

Yoongi made a face at me, “Hardy har har, for your information I don’t have the day off smartness. Not the full day at least, I’m going in for a couple of hours then I’m coming home to begin packing.” He sipped his coffee.

“You still working in the freezing cold at that warehouse?”

“Yup, almost every day now.”

Hobi winced. “I hate the cold.”

“Same, but it helps pay the bills.”

“Excuse me.” I held up my hand. We were just gonna skip over what Yoongi said? “Sorry to interrupt, but when did we establish you were going with me?”

“I established it last night when you were sleeping.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, serious mode activated.

Hobi finished up his coffee and grabbed his bag, “I can clearly see this is a private matter so I’ll let myself out. Call me and let me know if you need me to do anything for you while your out of town okay? Thanks again. See you Yoongi, nice hair btw.”

Yoongi flipped him off.

“Don’t be rude.”

“He was being sarcastic. You know I hate that.” He mumbled.

I rolled my eyes, “Back to the matter at hand. How do you expect to go? We have no money set aside for things like this and if we did it’s long gone.”

“Or is it?”

Yoongi was making eye contact with me with a sneaky glint in his eyes.

“What are you up to?”

“I have the money,” he took a sip of his coffee.

“How? Where’d you get it?” I was baffled.

“Does it matter?”

“Fuck yeah, to me. So start flapping those pouty lips of yours.”

“I’m asking to get paid early and my boss said if I came in for another employee who is sick and do their shift, plus mine he’d see in to.”

I shook my head, “That’s still isn’t enough for a plane ticket. Where are you getting the rest?”

He took another sip of his coffee,”...I’m using my stash money as well. Phones ringing! I’ll get it.” I held my leg up to block his way.

“Let the answering machine get.”

”Now who’s being rude. You should never keep a person waiting, it could be important.”

“Psh! If it were then whoever is calling would call us on our cell phones, not the house phone we got for when bill collectors harass us. It can wait!”

Yoongi and I were going back and forth, although it sounded like a bunch of jumbled words. We couldn’t let the other get a thing out.

The answering machine took over, “Hi we're unable to take your call at the moment, you know what to do.” My voice sounded.

“Hello? Y/N? Are you there? Oh Y/N please pick up. I have urgent news.”

I stopped speaking at the sound of Cordell’s voice. “Cordell?” I said softly.

Yoongi was still talking. “I le-

“Shut up!” I moved him out of my way to get to the phone. “Y/N, please answer.”

“Who’s that?” Yoongi asked, coming to stand beside me.

“Cordell.

“Your butler?”

I side eyed him, “Not my butler. My friend. My first best friend, actually.”

Yoongi looked from me and the phone, “Answer it already.”

“I can’t!” I groaned.

“What-why not?”

“What if he’s mad at me. I’d be mad at me!” I fumbled with my fingers.

“Mad at you for what?”

“For leaving. I didn’t even say goodbye to him properly.” I rubbed my arm.

Yoongi gave me a sympathetic look. He reached down and grabbed the phone. “He won’t be. Not if he’s your real friend.”

I gulped as he took the phone off the receiver and brought it to my ear. “Go on.” He egged on.

“H-Hello?” I cleared my throat. “Hello?”

“Y/N? Is that you?”

My chuckle caused tears to fall down. Tears I didn’t even know were in my eyes until they fell.

“Yeah, it’s me, hi Cordell.”

Cordell exhaled heavily, “Hello my darling. My how mature your voice has gotten. You no longer sound like my little Y/N.” Cordell said.

I smiled, “Yeah well you still sound old.”

This time he laughed,” I sure hope so. I no longer have a single patch of grey hair. My entire head is gray now.”

I sat down on the couch, Yoongi followed suit and sat down with me. He watched as I chatted away with Cordell. A small smile on his lips.

“Don’t blame your grey follicles on old age. We both know why your head is so grey. You were left to fend off the dragon lady by yourself.

“Now Y/N-

“No Cordell. I felt bad about you leaving like that, still, do. I just had to get out of there.”

“Darling, I don’t resent you for anything you did. I’m proud of you.”

“You are?”

“Yes, without a doubt.“

I sighed heavily feeling a 300-pound weight lift off my shoulder. Yoongi grabbed a tissue and wiped my face. My face was dry, Yoongi continued to wipe, giving my nose extra attention.

“Stop it.” I pushed home away, his shoulders bounced as they did whenever he laughed.

“Stop what, darling?”

“Oh, not you Cordell. I’m talking to Yoongi,” I pressed the speaker on the answering machine. “Say hi, Yoongi.”

“Hi, Yoongi.” He spoke, flatly.

Cordell laughed.

I slapped his chest, “You dingus.”

“You said to say hi Yoongi.” He shrugged.

“I’m not even going there with you.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Yoongi, how long have you two been together? It sounds like I’m listening to an old married couple.”

My eyes widened, “Oh no Cordell we’re not together. Yoongi’s my best friend.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days?” He tsked

Yoongi smiled, “I like him.”

“Cordell seriously, we’re best friends.”

“Whatever you say, love.” He chuckled, “This feels like a dream, I can’t believe I’m talking to you again. Honestly, I thought you would be so mad at me you wouldn’t answer.”

Yoongi’s face had a stupid smug smile plastered on it. With narrowed eyes, I told him to, shut up.

“Cordell I was never mad you. I thought you would have been mad at me

“Never.” There was a faint chiming sound in the back. It was her third husband’s family old grandfather clock. She won it during their divorce, along with half of his net worth. I know those annoying chimes anywhere.

“Fiddle. Feeding time for the dogs. Y/N I have to go, but before I do I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” I scooted back in the couch.

“I overheard your mother speaking with Karen about that arrangement between you and Karen’s son.”

A wave of heat generated in my chest and shot up to my ears. After all these years she’s still trying, oh my god. “Cordell please be serious with me.”

“I am. She says once you land her plan will go into motion. I wouldn’t stir you wrong, I heard what I heard.”

Unbeknownst to you, Yoongi had seen the tears you so secretly wiped away, while coughing into your arm. That was all he needed to see, he was really going now. No way you’re getting him out to stay home.

“Wow....”I sighed heavily.

“Does this mean you're not coming now? I’d understand if you didn’t.” He did a terrible job of hiding his hurt. I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. I would love nothing more than to see my old friend.

“Oh, she’s coming,” Yoongi spoke into the phone. I snatched my head towards him. “

And I’ll be joining her.”

“What are you doing!” I whispered lowly.

“Helping you.” He whispered back.

“Marvelous! Shall I make arrangements for another plane ticket to be sent for you Yoongi?”

“No!” Yoongi and I said together. I’m glad there one thing he and I can agree on.

“Cordell we’ll be talking to you soon. We have much to discuss before for we get there.” Yoongi squeezed my shoulder like Cordell could see it.

“I have no idea what that means but it sounds promising. I’ll talk to you soon, great to hear your voice again Y/N.”

“Same to you old man.” I smiled. Cordell hung up the phone. I wiped the smile clean off and replaced with a glare.

“Why are you causing trouble?”

“I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are. You're about to jump into pool-scratch that a fucking shark tank with everything in your pockets.

Yoongi is saving up to by music equipment for the Genius Lab. He uses some software he downloaded from his computer to make music now.

I can only imagine how his gift will improve with the proper equipment. Any money he had left over from adulting goes to his stash, even his loose change. I can’t let him spend that money.

“Yoongi no.”

“You can’t tell me what to do with my money.”

I balled my hands up into a fist, a nice spot to punch on his chest was staring me in the face.

“Listen for once, I beg of you.”

“No, you listen. So what if I’m about to jump into a shark tank, as you put it, with everything in my pockets, I’m doing it for you.”

I smiled, chuckling a bit, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I knew I was the reason for you not getting your music equipment.

“Exactly, equipment. Things. Materials. It all means nothing. All I am asking is to let me go with you to be your support, to help you make it through the weekend. Let’s pretend.”

“Pretend to do what?”

He shrugged, “To be together. We sounded like a couple to Cordell, I’m sure we can convince your mother. That way she’d see you're taken and it would force her to back off.”

“Back off, give up, quit, or lose isn’t in my mother’s vocabulary. She sees a challenge? She’s going to use every ounce of her power to make sure she wins. She won’t bat an eye if she steps on a few toes along the way, your toes to be exact.”

“Y/N look who you're talking to. I’ve had my toes stepped on more than enough times to know when to move my feet out of the way. I’m coming and that’s final. So you can continue to stand there and worry for nothing. I’m gonna get ready for work. The sooner I get to work the sooner I can come home. I have a lot of packing to do, babe.” He gave me a big wet slobbery kiss on the cheek and blew on it.

“Ew!” I pushed him off.

#bts #bts fanfic #yoongi x reader #yoongi #min yoongi #suga #bts suga #bts min yoongi #bts yoongi #min suga

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whipped-for-kpop-fics · 6 years

Text

BTS when you want to finger them

You two had been dating for a while and had experimented a lot sexually together in that time but there was something you had read about in one of your erotic novels(AKA smutty fanfiction les not lie guys). It was just your run of the mill blowjob, you on your knees while he stood with his back pressed against the tiles of your shower wall. At least, that's how it started. Your free hand started to wander up the back of his thighs, running up and down, getting closer and closer to your target as your confidence rose. Finally, your hand reached the flesh of his buttcheek and you gripped it slightly making him jolt and look down at you in surprise.

Hoseok (J-Hope) "J-jagi?" He'd pant, an amused smile on his face. "I didn't know you like my butt." You nod, massaging the flesh for a few seconds before edging your hand towards his entrance. His eyes would widen but, he wouldn't stop you. He was curious about the idea you were just revealing to him. When your fingertip reached him, you stopped and pulled your mouth from his erection.

"Can I?" You ask softly. "If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll stop straight away." Hoseok chewed on his bottom lip as he thought then nodded gently. You smiled and removed your hand to wrap it around his dick. He was confused until he saw you coating your finger with his precum to use as lube.

Jimin He would smirk down at you while being internally pleased. He worked hard on his perky backside and secretly loved when you touched it. Your groping got a little rougher and you purposely let your fingertip brush over his entrance to test the waters. Jimin let out a little needy whimper.

"Baby, you want my fingers?" You asked teasingly. He pouted down at you, cheeks red but didn't answer. You knew he was silently agreeing, too embarrassed to vocalised his wants but you wanted confirmation. So, you let your fingertip tease his hole. His thighs shivered at the new touch for a few seconds before he controlled his actions. "You need to tell me, Jiminie."

"Y-yes, I want your fingers, baby don't tease me." He'd practically beg and you'd give in with a satisfied grin.

Jungkook Jungkook wouldn't be aware he likes his butt being touched until you did it with his dick shoved snuggly in your throat. His hips would jerk into your mouth as you continued to rub and grope his butt, making you choke and pull back. He'd whine softly in complaint but quickly apologise. "Sorry, I didn't mean to." He'd explain and you'd nod in understanding but wouldn't return your mouth to him but you would slowly jerk him with the hand that was already wrapped around the base of his dick. "What did I-"

"Can I finger you?" You'd bluntly ask, not sure how else to bring it up. He'd freeze up and look at you like you were crazy. "What? I read it in one of my books and it was pretty hot. It could be the best orgasm of your life, you don't know until you try it."

"Okay fuck, you had me at best orgasm." He'd agree. "But if you cut my arsehole with your nails I'm suing."

Namjoon (RM) Namjoon always thoroughly explained and discussed any sexual experiments with you beforehand so you decided to be considerate and removed yourself from him. He grew even more confused then.

"What is it?" He'd enquire seeing the expression on your face.

"I want to try something new."

"Okay, what is it?"

"I want to suck your dick..." He raised his eyebrows. You were already doing that and pretty well if he was honest.

"Right?"

"And finger you." He blinked a few times to take in the information before chuckling and shaking his head.

"Baby no, my arsehole is for one thing only."

"And mine isn't?"

"You're the one that wanted to be fucked in the arse, I just agreed." You pouted realising he had you there.

"You really won't even let me try? Just one iddy biddy finger?" You wiggle your index finger at him and he laughs again.

"I'm sorry baby but no. Nothing is going near my butthole." And that would be the end of that. There may be a time in the future when you're cuddled up in bed watching porn together that the couple on screen tries it and Namjoon's interest is tickled but that goes as soon as it arises.

Seokjin (Jin) The second your hand curves towards his hole, he'd move your hand away. You'd pull back and look up at him with a pout. "I just want to try something new." You'd confess. "It's supposed to be good."

"You said that about ice play and nearly ripped my nipple off."

"Okay that was just a mistake, I should've waited a moment instead of using it straight from the freezer, I was not aware it would stick to you." You defended and he rolled his eyes. "I've learnt my lesson and will wait next time."

"Right okay but you're still not sticking your fingers anywhere near my arsehole, jagi."

"What about-?"

"No." You'd pout again but give up trying to persuade him and resign to giving him the best blowjob of his life instead. You did after all still owe him for almost ruining his left nipple.

Taehyung (V) A smirk lifts his lips when your fingers edge inwards. He doesn't even stop you. You look up when you reach your destination, surprised he hasn't gripped your hand yet. But also, Taehyung had a lot of kinks and sexual fantasies you had no idea existed before he mentioned them to you so having his butt played with shouldn't have surprised you as something he enjoyed.

"I knew you'd want to try it." He beamed and you'd look up at him accusingly, removing your hands from his body making him whine. "Baaabe."

"I knew I didn't bookmark that smut!" You exclaimed. "I told you to stop adding weird smut to my read folder!"

"But, I knew you'd like this one and I really wanted to try it." He pouted.

"And you couldn't just bring it up like all your other weird kinks?" He just grinned at you and you rolled your eyes. "You really want me to finger you?" He nodded enthusiastically. "Alright, I'll go get the lube." You started to get up but he pushed you back to your knees.

"My arsehole is ready for you." He informs seriously and you stop yourself from laughing. "I even had a mega shi-"

"If you finish that sentence, I'm never putting anything in your arse." You warned and he giggled but nodded in agreement, eyes lighting up.

"Can we get that dildo we saw online the other day to play with next?"

"How about we just try this first?" You laughed and he nodded once again and fell silent in anticipation.

Yoongi (Suga) "What're you doing?" He'd ask softly, feeling your fingers getting closer to your destination but, he didn't exactly stop you. He was too curious about your intentions.

"What does it feel like?" You asked innocently.

"Like you're going to play with my arsehole." You grin at him and he sighs. "Babe I don't know if I'm comfortable with that."

"I let you play with mine!" You argued, pouting at him angrily. He pouted back, realising you had him there. "Don't be a meanie."

"Ugh, fine." He groaned and stepped around you to climb out the shower.

"Where are you going?"

"I am not going to stand there and let you dry fuck my arse with your fingers, jagi. I'm going to be comfortable and full of lube." You'd run after him, only just remembering to turn the water off in your excitement to meet him in your room where he was already laid on the bed, bottle of lube in his hands.

I’ve never done anything with buttstuff before so I hope this was okay anon!

~Chee

Masterlist

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ships-allday-errday · 6 years

Text

Drabble Game #1-150

1 “The skirt is supposed to be this short.”

2 “How long have you been standing there?”

3 “I may be an idiot, but I’m not stupid.”

4 “Who gave you that black eye?”

5 “You haven’t even touched your food. What’s going on?”

6 “I just like proving you wrong.”

7 “Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy.”

8 “Forget it. You suck.”

9 “Quit it or I’ll bite.”

10 “If you use up all the hot water again, I swear to god! You’re on the couch for a month!!”

11 “If I die, I’m going to haunt your ass.”

12 “I’m pregnant.”

13 “Looks like we’re gonna be stuck here for a while.”

14 “Take. It. Off.”

15 “Well, you’re coming home with me whether you like it or not.”

16 “I’ll kick his ass if you want me to.”

17 “Stop it! It tickles!”

18 “It’s okay to cry…”

19 “And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations.”

20 “D..did you just make that noise?”

21 “He’s a bad kisser.”

22 “You can scream if you want.”

23 “I didn’t know we were keeping track.”

24 “We’re playing checkers. If you don’t like it, leave.”

25 “One of them’s missing.”

26 “Save some for me.”

27 “That’s starting to get annoying.”

28 “You’re still mad?”

29 “Come over here and make me.”

30 “You better watch yourself.”

31 “Eat your lunch and you wouldn’t be hungry.”

32 “Why did we have to have kids?”

33 “Call on Line 1”

34 “He creeped me out. I’m not gonna lie.”

35 “I’m done! You can fix it!”

36 “Can we just watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch?”

37 “Where did he go?”

38 “You leave whenever you feel like it.”

39 “I forgot I was a single parent.”

40 “Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it.”

41 “You’re going out dressed like that?”

42 “For the hundredth time, I’m not your babysitter.”

43 “Frost the damn cupcakes.”

44 “Well that’s the second biggest news I’ve heard all day.”

45 “You look pretty hot in plaid.”

46 “I thought you were dead!”

47 “You can’t banish me! This is my bed too!”

48 “We’ve become the clingy couple that you used to complain about.”

49 “Quit touching me. Your feet are cold.”

50 “You know you want it, sweetheart.”

51 “I’m your husband. It’s my job.”

52 “You just wanted them because they light up.”

53 “That wasn’t very subtle.”

54 “He thinks he’s a mind reader.”

55 “It’s just you and me tonight. I was thinking we could have a little fun.”

56 “I don’t do hugs.”

57 “Don’t talk anymore.”

58 “Dear, Diary...”

59 “How do I even put up with you?”

60 “I said get rid of it.”

61 “They didn’t just find out. They already knew!”

62 “You’re not as quiet as you think you are.”

63 “Can you just man up and change his diaper?”

64 “Just don’t buy a goat. I don’t care what you do, just no goats.”

65 “I have a secret.”

66 “I won’t let you get hurt.”

67 “You’re strong, baby. You have to be.”

68 “He’s four years old!!”

69 “I’ve had enough! I want to be alone!”

70 “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

71 “Me and the boys will handle it.”

72 “You’re competitive and so am I, and it’s going to lead to a fight.”

73 “Is there a reason you’re naked in my bed?”

74 “You’re a dork, just like your father.”

75 “Mind if I join you?”

76 “Daddy!”

77 “I lost our child.”

78 “That’s my shirt. So is that..wait?”

79 “My name isn’t Leslie…who’s Leslie?”

80 “There’s a surprise upstairs for you.”

81 “I’ll take care of it.”

82 “I’m not your boss? Well then who is?”

83 “You’re seriously like a man-child..”

84 “Come on, baby, up to bed.”

85 “They got you a present. Isn’t it sweet?”

86 “Am I scaring you?”

87 “Run! You said you’d work out with me!”

88 “After everything…I’d still choose you.”

89 “And when did you plan on telling me about this?”

90 “Trust me.”

91 “Scoot over a little bit, please.”

92 “You’re so clingy, I love it.”

93 “Well, that’s tragic.”

94 “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”

95 “You’re cute when you’re all worried.”

96 “Stop being grumpy. It’s lame.”

97 “I don’t need a hero, I need a husband.”

98 “Don’t shut me out.”

99 “You got a cute butt.”

100 “I just got out of the shower, I can’t dance. What if my towel falls off?”

101 “Don’t be an butthole. Butthole.”

102 “Do you really think I could ever replace you?”

103 “Sharing is caring. Now give me your fries.”

104 “…or we can chill in our underwear.”

105 “You can’t make up for it by giving me a tic-tac.”

106 “Keep pedaling and don’t stop, okay?”

107 “You, me, popcorn, two liter Dr. Pepper, and a movie. You in?”

108 “Have you seen my contacts?”

109 “The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

110 “Quit stalling. Where’s your father?”

111 “You can’t just hug me and think everything’s okay.”

112 “You work for me. You are my slave.”

113 “I prefer blondes.”

114 “No more dogs. How hard it it to understand?”

115 “I let you win.”

116 “I broke your nose, and I’m sorry for that. But what you’re doing isn’t fair.”

117 “Can I do your hair?”

118 “Your favorite superhero can’t be a villain.”

119 “I told you not to jump on the bed!”

120 “He’s pampering me, let him be.”

121 “Ready or not, here I come.”

122 “I’m worried about losing my job!”

123 “Stop being so cute.”

124 “You smell like a wet dog.”

125 “Quit moving, I’m trying to sleep. Wait…are you…what?!”

126 “You nap, I’ll stay awake.”

127 “It’s turbulence. It’s normal.”

128 “Don’t touch me. We’re fighting.”

129 “I’ll give you a massage.”

130 “You fell asleep in the tub?!”

131 “Are you doodling?”

132 “You get home as soon as possible, okay!?”

133 “I didn’t think you could get any less romantic.”

134 “Are you scared…Then why won’t you look at the screen?”

135 “Do you think I’m scared of a woman?”

136 “You had a nightmare, tell me what it was about so I can fix it.”

137 “We need groceries, not just junk food. You’re worse than the kids.”

138 “I could punch you right now.”

139 “If I win, you do dishes for a week.”

140 “Fist bumps are cooler than high-fives…”

141 “Use your words.”

142 “Hold my hand so he gets jealous.”

143 “Ew, your hand is sweaty.”

144 “Get out of my face before I hit you.”

145 “I’m late.”

146 “You only care about football, beer, and raking leaves.”

147 “I feel like I can’t breathe”

148 “Why do you only kiss me when I’m sleeping?”

149 “Just smile, I really need you to smile right now.”

150 *Make Your Own*

I didn’t make this just copied and pasted all credit goes to @prompt-bank! Visit @prompt-bank for more prompts!

#drabble game #drabbles #kpop

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rosamond-herondale · 3 years

Text

I asked for it

I woke with a bit of a hangover. I put porn on. Get some food out of the fridge. Start computer its restoring pages. Gay sites in the middle of a movie. Was drunk watching gay porn. Was eating watching two guys fucking. One getting fucked was enjoying it. I started digging in the fridge found a couple of beers. Needed them. Watching the sounds moans him saying how good it felt. I got hard on spanking the monkey. I got into the one in the movie getting into it.

I have not been fucked in a couple of years. Grabbed paper towel pumped out. Still, horny watching this. I hear the phone blipping. Look at the message from an app. Must have been drunk not remember downloading the app. It’s a gay app. The guy asking me what are you into. Watching it still. Subconsciously or not consciously blurt out in text I need a good buttfucking.

He texts back how about 20 min. Watching it dick hard again. Text back where? Suggests place meet go in back etc. I said OK. He texts say in 30 min. I going along said OK. I have a Bday spread flushed out. Thought put glob KY in my ass he may be there. This all came out of the left field. Go there not believe even doing this. I was still a little drunk the night before. A car pulls up says are you. I said yes. We get outgo in back. I wanted to record it. Set up the phone.

I figure oh well let's do this. Whips it out like 8.5 nice get down to suck it. I get up pull my sweats down spread my ass cheeks. Goes in all the way I say oh fuck. He says he is sorry it just went all the way in at once. I said ya I know let me relax. Think must have been the blob of KY I put in my ass. Not that big but overwhelming. I started to relax. Trying to catch my breath. Like an electric shock.

Said OK takes it almost out the puts it back in. Felt good. Long thrusts I was coming back meet them. Started making slapping sounds. Loud sort of echoed turned me on. Said faster deeper harder. I asked for it. Said let's move over there so I can lean on something move phone still recording. Get a rhythm going again. Loud slapping sounds said again faster harder deeper. This time had something to lean on.

He pounded the hell out of my ass. It felt so good. It was so overwhelming. I did say I needed a good buttfucking. Then the harder faster and deeper comments I made. I asked for it and dam I was getting it. The harder and faster the better it felt. The sounds the feel slapping pounding my ass. I enjoyed it I mean I was enjoying it. Something never happens in my life. Not even touching my dick I started cumming. My rectum mussels started pulsating uncontrollably.

I did not know what that was but it felt good. My butthole pulsating like that he came to. Stupid no rubber and he put it deep in. Then came in my ass. Felt that hot cum gushing up my ass. I came again. I was like OMG pulls it out. Stood up just standing there. Like frozen. He asks are you OK? Cum started gushing out of my butthole. I said just need a min. said felt like I had just been turned inside out. Told him thanks I needed that he said me too.

I got the phone it was still recording. 39 min dam. Said let's keep in touch said sure. Not even exchange names. I got home not believe what had just taken place. I plug the phone into a big TV watching it happened. Strange watch myself getting fucked like that. The sounds that I made I was not conscious of making at the time. Seeing it got hot as hell jagging off came the same time in the recording. I guess I asked for it.

submitted by /u/likesmooth [link] [comments] from Sex Stories https://ift.tt/3DHpGZw

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crowned-ladybug · 6 years

Text

Normality

Written from an impromptu AU idea I got on the bus this morning that piqued my interest enough.

Important, however, is that this fic isn’t a complete story. There’s no solution or great revelation at the end. To be honest, I’m only posting this to see if anyone is interested in it at all, because if no one cares for it I won’t spend more time developing this AU and the plot and writing about it.

Set in an AU that I may or may not already have a name for

Characters: Seán, Signe, Anti

Word count: 4k

Warnings: none.

Out of the two of them, Seán has always been the normal one. He has a stable job (which involves screaming at video games and posting footage of said screaming on the internet, but still, a stable job), a nice house and a happy relationship. Hell, as of recently, he even has normal coloured hair. While he definitely isn't without his own quirks (I beg of you, show me a person who is without any quirks at all), he very much counts as the normal one out of him and his half-sibling.

Because this half-sibling is definitely something. Anraí, or Anti as he prefers to be called, shares a father with Seán. He also tends to share a bunch of wild stories with him that Seán definitely wasn't sure he wanted to hear at first.

Anti is the weird sibling. He has bright green hair (what kind of weirdo has green hair, seriously? Weirdos like Anti and Seán apparently, because Seán can't just pretend he didn't also have green hair for like two years), a bunch of piercings, and unusually sharp teeth to compliment his metaphorically sharp tongue. He's covered in tattoos, some of which Seán is still yet to decipher, and there's a scar across his neck he got during some stupidly daring adventure when he was a kid. Okay, maybe that is something he kind of regrets. He prances around in an old jacket probably only held together by the countless patches he's sewn onto it, patches of monsters and swearwords and pride flags. He has one on the right side of his chest that says "Gender? No thanks", and Seán remembers getting that one for him. He looks like the kind of person to offer to sell you drugs in a dark alleyway, when really he will snap your wrist if you pressure him into lighting a cigarette.

Anti is...peculiar. He swears like a sailor when he feels like it but picks dandelions for the kids who come up to him in the park to marvel in his colourful patches and countless tattoos. He paints his nails black and poison green, but he happily accepts pastel pink or bright blue if Seán's girlfriend Signe decides to offer. He seems to know the darkest parts of any city he visits by heart and emerge from the shadows at night, but he's never done worse than shoving Seán a little too hard during a video game night and sending him tumbling off the couch. He loves knives and wields one like he was born to do nothing else, but Seán would swear Anti has never stabbed anyone. He usually shows up at random times, but he texts a day in advance to ask if it's okay for him to visit, and he only shows up without notice when he's bleeding and too hurt to go anywhere else, because sometimes punching his way out of situations doesn't work that well. He's the kind of person to spin the globe, point at a random spot and disappear for a week or two, then come back with a couple small gifts and countless exciting stories to tell.

Anti is the strange sibling. Seán is the normal one.

Or at least that used to be the case until now.

Because no amount of travelling and patches can rival summoning a handful of colourful balls of floating light when you sneeze. And that's just what Seán has just done, sitting in his chair in his recording room, about to start up the game he was planning on playing. He sneezed, a proper, loud one, and when he opened his eyes again there were little balls of light, five or six and all different colours, floating around him. They were about as big as a walnut each, flickering lightly as they floated about lazily, bumping into his cheek or his raised hand without burning him, and then slowly disappearing like someone had adjusted the dimming switch on them before turning them off completely. And now they're gone like nothing ever happened.

Now, don't get me wrong, this definitely isn't the first time Seán has ever seen something magical. Magic is real, everyone knows that. He's seen coal black deer with four eyes, the third one on their forehead and the fourth floating between their antlers when him and Anti had explored in the forest at night, and the old seamstress in her shop down the street has a sewing machine that never runs out of string. Magic is normal, everyone knows it exists, because it's everywhere amongst little mundane things in their everyday lives.

But summoning light when sneezing is not something most people just do. Magic is a mundane, passive thing that happens. People who can make it happen are special.

Once the lights are gone, Seán presses back into his chair firmly, breath shaky. He feels like he's just suffered an especially bad jumpscare from a horror game, except this was no horror game. He just sneezed light into existence or some shit. He breathes, slow and deep, to calm himself down before this sends him into an anxiety attack. He'll figure this out later. For now he has videos to record.

The rest of the day goes by as normal. He doesn't sneeze again (it's not like he's sick or anything, it was probably just his facial hair getting in his nose again that made him sneeze that once) and nothing out of the ordinary happens. He doesn't tell Signe or anyone else about the lights.

In the afternoon he goes out to the garden like he usually does. There's a little circle of rocks near the back, one of those that are said to be home to fae. It's nothing more special than having a birdhouse in your backyard. But the fae keep the plants in their garden happy and lively, because they're good pals. And in return Seán or Signe bring a bowl of warm milk to the circle every day, because that's what pals do.

He brings some milk this time too and puts the bowl down right next to the edge of the circle. He knows better than to touch the rocks themselves. He crouches there for a moment, watching as some nearby daffodils nod back and forth in the breeze, and he feels the tattoo on his arm tingle slightly. He's heard the fae like tattoos. He's surpised Anti doesn't have a whole army of them travelling with him based on that. He absently wishes the circle and its unseen inhabitants good night before he goes back inside.

That night he gets a text from Anti asking if it's okay if he comes to visit tomorrow. Seán tells him that he's more than welcome to.

After three deadly rounds of Mario Kart complete with Signe's comments on both Seán's and Anti's poor performance, Seán leans back on the couch and drops the controller next to himself. Signe has left to do something else in the middle of the third round, though Seán can't remember what exactly. He had been way too busy trying to not fall off Rainbow Road to listen properly.

"Okay, I need your two cents on something," he says, still staring at the TV screen in front of them. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Anti jokingly reach for his pocket, but Seán slaps his arm lazily and Anti laughs.

"Sure thing. What's up?"

"You know a lot of, like...random shit," Seán starts, and it's true. Anti is kind of a jack of all trades kinda guy who knows a bit about everything, usually some very unexpected details. "How much do you know about magic users?"

Anti hums thoughtfully. "Like, active magic?"

"Yeah."

"I don't know, a bunch of stuff," Anti shrugs. "They're rare, make magic happen, the affinity to use magic actively can be inherited, blah blah blah. Could you be more specific?"

"Alright," Seán brushes his hair to the side and realises a second too late that that might come off as a nervous gesture. "Can someone just...start using magic one day? Like, totally randomly? Even though they'd never shown signs of it before?"

"I mean, I guess, proba-" Anti's nonchalant tone suddenly drops, and he turns to stare at Seán with concern, eyes narrowed the smallest bit. Seán hates that look. Anti has some unreal green eyes and it makes his stares more intense than they need to be. Whenever he does that, Seán feels like Anti can see right into his soul. "Did something happen?" Anti asks, tone serious and worried. "Seán, are you...is everything okay?"

Seán lets out a small laugh, and maybe he's relieved, he's not sure. He reaches out and pats Anti on the shoulder. "Yeah, dude, I'm fine. Some weird shit happened the other day and I was curious if you could understand more about it than me."

"What...weird shit exactly?"

"I may or may not have sneezed some temporary light into existence," Seán shrugs sheepishly. In hindsight he probably could have phrased that way better, but there's no going back now, is there?

"What the-..." Anti makes a couple unidentifiable noises in the back of his throat out of confusion. "What in Satan's third butthole to the left is that supposed to mean?"

Seán throws his head back with sudden, shrieking laughter. Part of it is probably from relief, because he's actually doing it and talking to his sibling about this weird magical experience he had, but he also just loves Anti's overly complicated swears. Improvising stupid (or stupidly hilarious) swears and insults and threats is definitely one thing they have in common.

"Okay, okay," Seán takes a breath as he calms down from laughing. "I sneezed the other day," he starts slowly, partially because he honestly has no idea how the fuck to phrase this. "And then there was light. No, lights, plural."

"So you sneezed 'Let there be light' and then there was?"

"You are so not a help, I swear," Seán laughs again, but he feels happy and relieved. Suddenly somehow conjuring active magic is scary and confusing, but he's glad he can just banter about it with Anti while searching for answers. "There were a couple of these...wisps. Colourful and shit, about this big," he shows Anti by making a small circle with his fingers. "They kinda just...chilled out, and then they were gone."

Anti lets out a long puff of air as he thinks. Seán waits patiently.

"That definitely sounds like active magic alright," he scratches his head as he mumbles. With his bright green hair he looks a little like a very confused highlighter. "And I don't think it's unheard of to not show any sings of magic for a bunch of years and...then...suddenly do."

"I thought that was just about ten-year-old kids or something."

"Nah, I don't think it discriminates like that," Anti shrugs. He thinks but he doesn't know. He might know a bunch of random shit, but active magic is definitely not his area of expertise. "It might be something totally different, too. It doesn't seem likely, but...could happen," he shrugs again, then asks. "Does Signe know?"

"Nah," Seán sighs and he looks remorseful. "She knows jack shit about magic just like me, so it would have just been the two of us confused. I thought maybe with you we could figure out at least part of it before I told her."

"Well, sorry I'm not of much use either," Anti leans his elbows on his knees and props his chin up on his hands, thinking.

Seán sighs again. "It's alright, dude. Thanks anyway."

Later that day, they tell Signe together. She's about just as confused as the two of them combined, but she doesn't resent Seán for not telling her earlier. She gives him a comforting kiss on the cheek because he seems awfully nervous about the whole situation, and the three of them sit around brainstorming about what could have possibly happened.

"Maybe we should just wait until something else happens. Maybe it wasn't at all what we think it is, just...coincidence," Signe offers when they just keep running into dead ends two steps into any thought process. The internet isn't much help either, or maybe they're just looking in all the wrong places, but none of their searches turn up with anything useful.

"Yeah," Anti nods absent-mindedly as he fumbles with one of his many bracelets. "Are you sure nothing special happened before the wisps appeared?"

Seán gives a sheepish shrug. "I...sneezed?"

"Congratulations," Signe laughs. "You had a life-changing magical sneeze."

"Wow, thanks."

Anti decides to stay for a week, or however long he will be needed in figuring this thing out. The three of them make plans to go to the library, to ask around for magic users who could help them and to just keep looking for any sort of help or information anywhere they can. Anti makes himself comfortable in the guest room with just his belongings from his bottomless duffel bag. Despite the current confusing events, the three of them settle easily into the routine they always take up whenever Anti comes to visit.

On the second day of Anti's stay, him and Signe come home from their walk to the grocery store to find Seán sitting in the kitchen, staring blankly at one of Signe's cacti instead of recording like he had said he would.

"Seán?" Signe asks as enters the kitchen, voice worried. "Is everything alright?"

Anti slips in beside her and puts the groceries down before leaning on the table opposite from Seán to also stare at the cactus curiously. It's just a cactus, round and spiky and cutely sitting in its little pot. Not exactly something worth staring at.

"I..." Seán starts, eyes flickering to Signe and then swiftly back to the cactus. "I don't know."

"Come on dude, what happened?" Anti asks. He hopes he's being helpful, but he could just as much be causing damage, because neither him nor Signe have any idea what's gotten into Seán.

Seán shakes his head violently and presses his hands against his temples. Signe sits down next to him and starts rubbing his back to comfort him. Seán takes a breath and shakes his head again, more tamely this time.

"I don't...I don't know what happened, I just..." he's struggling for words, because he's so utterly confused and he hates it. "I just picked this cactus up and moved it so I could clean the counter and it...it just lit on fire. On its own," he shakes his head again. He just can't find any viable explanation for a spontaneously combusting cactus. "And then it stopped in like...two seconds. And it wasn't burned at all. Hell, it wasn't even warm," he stops to rub at his eyes, press his palm into them until he sees stars. He just doesn't get it. "I...I have no idea what happened."

Signe doesn't know what to say, but she keeps drawing little lines and patterns into Seán's back hoping that it will help him a little. Meanwhile Anti picks up the cactus and examines it. He can't do much other than staring at it and poking it (right into a spike. Ouch.), but he hopes to see some clue as to what had happened. He doesn't.

"Well, at least the cactus seems fine," Anti shrugs, aware of how unhelpful he's being but not knowing what else to do aside from trying to lighten the mood by joking.

Seán groans loudly, and at first Anti thinks it was because of his comment on the cactus's well-being, but then he drops his head onto the table heavily and mumbles. "Guys, am I going insane?"

"No, you're not," Signe says firmly before Anti could crack another horrible joke, and she pulls Seán up from the table and into a hug. "You're not insane, and we're going to find out together what's going on with you."

Seán wants to protest that he's just seen unprompted magical things happen two times with no other witnesses or physical proof of either of those actually happening, but he stays silent. He just lays his head on Signe's shoulder and nods gratefully.

Anti walks around the table and gingerly pats Seán on the back. He silently acknowledges Signe's warning look before he speaks. "Well, I guess that means we're going to the library."

They go to the library.

None of them are regulars, but they have entry cards, mainly due to some past events that also required them to hang out in the library and do their research there, because apparently sometimes the internet is really not up-to-date on magic, as surprising as that is.

The library is big and peaceful, with high, darkwood shelves packed with books and golden coloured reading lamps fixed to the tables. It looks like your typical old, mysterious library straight from a movie, where you can really get lost in time and hide from the world. It's magical in more ways than one.

There's wisdom spirits, not enough of them to be annoying, but definitely there and adding to the atmosphere. They're translucent four-legged little critters glowing with a faint white light, with big ears and big eyes and long, tufted tails. They run around the bookshelves and jump across the tables without coming in contact with anyone's belongings laid out over them. They don't grant you wisdom or help you in any way, they just naturally swarm to places of knowledge the same way you're bound to wind up with birds in your garden if you put up a feeder for them. But they're peaceful, friendly spirits that bother no one, and their presence is fabled to bring good luck. Whether that's true or not is yet to be determined, but either way people treat them nicely and welcome their presence.

One of them hitches a ride on Signe's shoulders before it rubs its head against her cheek as a thanks and jumps off, disappearing somewhere behind the shelves of contemporary literature. Signe laughs a little as she watches it go.

They gather a couple books each that they hope to find useful, and occupy a larger portion of one of the long tables running between the shelves, spreading out comfortably and looking through multiple books at the same time in their organised mess. It feels a bit like the old days of studying for exams, but it's different enough to be enjoyable. Maybe it's thanks to the library's serene atmosphere that their previous nervousness, even Seán's, is gone now and replaced with excitement.

Anti soon has three or four wisdom spirits hanging out around him as he searches. They are clever beings and know when someone enjoys their immediate presence, and Anti definitely does. He lets them stay around, sometimes talks to them, and politely asks them to move if they happen to be lazing across the exact book he needs. Signe also has one curled up on the table in front of her, seemingly sleeping most of the time but occasionally raising its head to nudge at her hand gently. Signe smiles at it softly every time.

It's surprisingly hard to find information on late-blooming magic users, and they still aren't even sure Seán is one. The documentation of magic isn't easy or at all uniformed, magic users are rare and apparently late-bloomers, especially ones who are over twenty, appear to be even rarer.

Anti is the first one to find a sliver of information they're looking for.

"Oh, hey," he perks up, successfully getting the attention of his friends. "It says here that late-bloomers can't learn to live with their magic and control it right from birth – duh – and so their displays of magic usually manifest in random outbursts at first, which they should later be able to get under control."

"Does it say anything about fake-murdering your girlfriend's plants?" Seán asks lazily while he reaches for a different book. Signe gently shoves his shoulder.

Anti shakes his head thoughtfully, then turns a page and quickly scans over it. "Nah, nothing about spontaneous plant murder."

"Bummer."

They keep searching. After it turns out that Anti's book was just offhandedly mentioning late-bloomer magic users so as to provide contrast to the ones who use their magic right from birth he places that book too onto the ever-growing pile of ones they're done with, disrupting the rest of the spirit on top of it.

Signe quietly mumbles about the damn convoluted language used in these books, not user friendly at all, then continues for a few more words in Danish as if out of spite towards the book's author. Seán laughs quietly at her and Anti shoots her an amused look, but she busies herself with the book again. Then...

"Jackpot!" Signe whisper-shouts with a wide smile. Seán immediately leans over to read over her shoulder and Anti jumps up to join them.

"Don't have fun without me!"

They both shush him.

Signe reads her find out loud even with Seán's head on her shoulder and Anti breathing down her neck, because damn it, she's finally found something and she's excited. "Newfound magic users need to take two immediate steps upon discovering their new talent: finding a tutor and acquiring a focus point for their magic."

"Okay, we can worry about finding a teacher later," Anti says quickly, waving a hand dismissively. "But what the fuck is a focus point?"

"It says turn to page 23, dummy, how am I supposed to know?" Signe shoots back, then slaps Anti's hand away when he reaches to turn the page. "Would you let me do it? My book. My discovery."

"Well, technically it's the library's book..."

"Shut up."

Seán chuckles quietly at the interaction and at least he waits patiently for Signe to turn the pages, even if he's all but buzzing with excitement. They might have just finally found something to help with whatever the fuck is going on with him. Whether it's actually sudden active magic doing this to him or not, they've finally found something instead of just looking through endless rows of books pointlessly.

Signe scans the newly opened page quickly for any crucial information, and reads it out to the other two again. "Focus points help the magic user channel their energy and keep their abilities under control. It can also help enhance their chosen genre or school of magic. Focus points are usually items kept on the person at all time, such as jewellery, or familiars," she chuckles and waits patiently at Seán's quiet "oooh" of wonder. "Focus points aren't crucial to a magic user nor do they damage their abilities if they are lost or destroyed, but they're supposed to aid them greatly."

Seán leans back in his chair and takes a long, deep breath. "That's...a lot."

"I'm pretty sure that's like...nothing compared to the whole picture here," Anti gestures vaguely, and Seán gives him a pointed look. "I mean, if we're even on the right track. Though I'm pretty sure we are."

"It's still a start," Signe comments, and she pulls the book down onto her lap for more comfortable reading. "You can go read up more on focus points if you'd like, Anti."

"Fine, fine," Anti laughs fondly and nudges her shoulder. "I know when I'm not wanted."

Seán shakes his head, watching as his sibling starts back toward the bookshelves for a second round. "What kind of...focus thing would we even get me?", he asks, just talking to himself really and not expecting much of an answer.

"We can get you a nice umbrella?" Anti offers before he disappears behind a corner, and Signe laughs.

Seán laughs too as he turns back to his own pile of books. "Sure, thanks."

#i literally just had the idea for like the first couple paragraphs and a few vague ideas when i started writing this #if i were to keep working on it it would either be a chaptered fic #or an au with a set timeline made up of separate stories like the second chance au #which is how i prefer it tbh #antisepticeye #jacksepticeye #wiishu #fanfiction #writing #i wrote this with literally no structure in mind so that's why it's so shit #i was gonna cut it shorter to make it more chapter-like but no cut worked well enough #so this is all i have for it rn #do we even like.....tag non character ships?#septiishu #??? it's like. obvious that it's there

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kingsofeverything · 7 years

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Remember Me Before You ~294k .E. Desperate to find a new place to live after he comes home to find his boyfriend cheating, Harry moves into a loft with three strangers. A New Girl AU.

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea ~110K .E. Louis’ life is steady and calm, moored by his marriage, and tied to his hometown, but after a chance encounter with another man, it’ll never be the same.

Say Something ~105K .E. At fifty years old and recently divorced, Omega Harry Styles isn't interested in dating. When his doctor suggests a heat and rut matching service, he signs up out of necessity. It’s the only use he has for an Alpha in his life. Twenty-eight-year-old Alpha Louis Tomlinson aims to change that.

Heading for Limbo ~101K .E. Childhood best friends who’ve fallen in and out of touch with each other, Harry and Louis find their paths crossing again and again.

Have Love, Will Travel ~97K .E. Rather than spend the summer working at their desks, Louis and Harry are given the opportunity to crisscross the country together in a tiny camper, filming their adventures for a YouTube series. It soon becomes obvious to their viewers that there’s something more than friendship between them. Eventually, they figure it out.

Late Night Talking ~50k .E. Louis Tomlinson has a new album coming out and a second world tour on the horizon. Promo season gets underway with a stop at Late Night Talking, the late night show hosted by Harry Styles, and Harry Styles just happens to be the man who blew a chance to date Louis a decade ago.

*Amazing art above by Marie @pasmwa

112 more fics under the cut:

Tiny Penis Fic Series:

Rode Hard and Put Away Wet ~6.7K .E. Louis heard the same rumours in London, New York, and L.A., and he put them all to rest, but in Texas? Birthday Princess ~4.5K .E. Harry celebrates his birthday with Blow Jobs (and Slippery Nipples and Sex on the Beach) and drunkenly propositions the bartender in the bathroom. A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) ~19K .E. Harry knows he and his Grindr hookup would be perfect together, if only he could convince him to give a relationship a chance. Or Harry has a thing for jockstraps and Louis likes to wear them. Snow Big Deal ~8K .E. Louis is a professional snowboarder set to appear in ESPN The Body Issue and Harry is an assistant photographer working for the magazine. They have more in common than they think Be Mine, Little Valentine ~7K .E. All Louis wants is to find someone who'll love all of him. There's just one tiny complication . Opposites Attract ~7K .E. Harry has a list of reasons he and Louis shouldn’t date. Maybe they’re more compatible than he thinks. Bijou ~6K .E. Being in love with his best friend wouldn't be so awful if Harry didn't have to listen to him constantly complain about how the guys he dates don't measure up.

The Butthole Fic Series:

Hot Chocolate ~6.4K .E. Harry wants to make something new for Hot Chocolates, his small batch chocolate shop. Louis offers to help. Written for @wankersday 2021 Have a Nice Trip ~6.4K .E. While Harry and his roommate Louis are stuck at home practicing social distancing, they decide to take a little trip to pass the time. Heels Over Head ~3.4K .E. Louis Tomlinson returns from tour to find that his new next door neighbor doesn't realize his backyard is not completely private. Missed Connection ~3K .M. Harry is absolutely clueless when it comes to figuring out if other guys are into him, so he enlists his friend Niall to assist. That may or may not be a mistake. Picture This ~3K .M. Part of Harry’s job at the bar includes working the door on Friday nights, checking IDs and asking for proof of vaccination. One night, Louis Tomlinson accidentally shows him something else. Into the Woods ~2.5K. E. Whenever he hikes, Harry keeps an eye out for trees with knots and scars that resemble buttholes. What started as fodder for his silly little Instagram account has become his favorite way to masturbate. Pound Cake ~1.8K .NR. It's Harry's birthday and his best friend Louis bakes him a cake.

Don’t Want Shelter series:

Don’t Want Shelter ~76K .E. Louis and Harry have known each other all their lives and have spent the last twenty-five years either screaming at each other or not speaking at all. When Hurricane Nicole threatens the coast, they end up stuck together. During the storm, and in the months after, they’re both forced to reevaluate their history and what they mean to each other. With beautiful art by Saori @assisreal Wasted Like A Memory ~5K .T. Part 2 of Don’t Want Shelter. Six years before Hurricane Nicole forces Louis and Harry together, Fizzy gets married. Harry wrestles with reconciling the different versions of Louis he knows. Let Me In ~5K .E. Part 3 of Don’t Want Shelter. After their first Thanksgiving together, Louis and Harry argue about how to spend their first Christmas. Written for the 50 Reasons to Have Sex Fest. Reason #49: To change the subject. Light the Water ~2K .G. Part 4 of Don’t Want Shelter. A POV switch of the day that Louis and Harry start arguing the second they wake up and they keep at it all day, until Harry goes a little too far, Louis leaves, and Harry has to chase him down. Fall Like Rain ~2K words.G. Part 5 of Don’t Want Shelter. A POV switch of the first day at the beach house. A Well-Made Mistake ~3K .E. Part 6 of Don’t Want Shelter. It's been three years since the last time they saw each other and it’s probably inevitable that their reunion includes a drunken confrontation. Neither of them expect to get thrown out of Gemma's wedding reception, and they definitely don't anticipate what happens next.

Marold Harold series:

An Unbalanced Force ~111K .E. Harry has the rest of his life planned. Marriage. Career. Kids. Happily ever after. But sometimes plans don’t work out. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Written for Round 2 of @onedirectionbigbang and the @1dgreysweatpants fest. With magnificent art by @goodmorningtoyouuniverse. A Change In Momentum 666 words .G. Louis wants to surprise Harry by carving pumpkins by himself. Written for the @1dtrickortreatfest. Slip ‘n Slide 100 words .G. Ten years later at the neighborhood block party. Written for the 2021 1D Drabble Challenge @larrydrabble

Fall At My Door series:

Fall At My Door ~30K .E. Famous/Famous AU. A-list actor Harry Styles and award-winning musician Louis Tomlinson have an acquaintances-with-benefits relationship, so whenever their busy professional lives happen to land them in the same city, they meet up. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. And that’s all it is. Until it isn’t. With a Word ~4K .E. Part 2 of Fall At My Door. Famous/Famous AU. Louis and Harry attend their first awards ceremony after going public as a couple. Till the Sun Fell Down ~1K .T. Part 3 of Fall At My Door. A short time stamp about the first time Louis and Harry meet at the AMAs.

Fake a Relationship for Christmas series:

Find You Home ~35K .E. When Louis lies to his family and says he’ll bring his new boyfriend home for Christmas, his best friend and roommate Harry agrees to play the part. It’s that, or be left alone over the holidays. What will happen? No one knows! Perhaps Santa will swoop in with a Christmas miracle. Featuring lovesick idiots, kissing and cuddling, pies and Christmas clichés. Mixtape ~1K .G. A POV switch from Find You Home, when they first leave home to drive to Louis’ family’s house for Christmas.

Head(canon) series:

Mercedes Boy ~5K .E. There’s a surprise waiting at home for Louis after he finishes his day on the tracks at the Mercedes AMG Driving Experience. Possessing All of Me ~3K .E. Part 2 of Mercedes Boy. It's the following day, and Harry and Louis still have the borrowed Mercedes Roadster. Harry keeps his promise from the night before. Dancing In My Dreams ~3K .E. Part 3 of Mercedes Boy. Louis doesn't mean to imply that Harry's too old to dance for him, but Harry takes it that way, and sets out to prove him wrong.

Genie In a Bottle series:

Rub Me the Right Way ~3.6K .E. As the owner of a second hand shop, Harry comes into contact with a lot of strange and unusual objects. There is, however, a first time for everything. As You Wish ~25K .E. Harry wished Louis free, and life hasn’t been the same since. Written for @onedirectionbigbang

Just Pretend ~90k .E. Louis Tomlinson is a divorced dad who doesn't date. What free time he has, he likes to spend with his teenage daughter, and if he wants to take someone home, he does it when she's spending the weekend with her mom. Then he meets Harry Styles, another divorced dad with a teenage daughter, who convinces him it’s a good idea to pretend they're dating to keep their kids happy. Written for @1dsilverfoxfest

The Second Hand Unwinds ~51K .E. Louis Tomlinson is one of the first members of NASA's top secret Chrono Exploration Program. When things go wrong and he's sent further back in time than planned, he has no other option than to show up on his ex-boyfriend's doorstep. Written for the @hlsummerexchange2018 and the @1dgreysweatpants fest. With beautiful art by @vocabularryonthemind.

How Fast You Fall ~50K .E. Friends to lovers/Roommates to lovers/College AU with a twist. With amazing art by @youngandmadeof Written for Round 5 of @1dbigbang

No Hold to Hold Onto ~48K. E. Injured after being thrown from a bronc, Harry doesn’t know if he’ll ever compete again. His only hope is a man called Tommo, a world champion rider who retired at the top of his game. When Harry goes looking for help learning a new way to rope and ride, the last thing he expects to find is love. Written for @1dreversebang inspired by the awesome art of @haztobegood

It Had To Be You ~45K .M. When Harry Met Sally Movie AU. Hate to friendship to love over more than a decade. With some messy bits in the middle.

Until That Day ~45K.E. Harry Styles is days away from walking down the aisle when his previous failed weddings are turned into a public spectacle by jaded London journalist Louis Tomlinson. Hoping to witness Harry leave another groom at the altar, Louis heads to Holmes Chapel, where nothing goes as planned, and he finds himself falling for the serial heartbreaker. A Runaway Bride movie AU. Written for round 4 of the @onedirectionbigbang. With art by the talented @sunflowervolh

The Stars Look Very Different Today ~43K .E. For Harry Styles, child genius turned glorified spaceship mechanic, rescuing lost or broken down ships is a fairly common occurrence. There’s nothing common about his latest mission, the ship, or that ship’s captain. The last thing he expects to find in a distant galaxy is the one thing he’s been missing on Earth. Written for round 3 of @onedirectionbigbang with stellar art from @tomlinshires.

Someone to Fly Home To ~35K .E. Ex-husbands in their 50s. Louis. 55 year old pilot who wants someone to fly home to. Harry swipes right.

Something About Liminal Spaces ~34K. E. Searching for inspiration for his latest book, and hoping distance will help heal his broken heart, Louis Tomlinson heads to the village of Piha on the west coast of New Zealand’s north island. There he meets Harry Styles. Fifteen years older than Harry, Louis tries to keep his distance, but Harry is impossible to avoid and harder to ignore. Written for @soulmatesabroad

Leave Your Mark On Me ~32K .E. Hate to love. When Chef Harry Styles’ unbonded Omega designation threatens to derail his career, he does the only thing he can, and goes in search of a black market bond.

If I had no love to give (I wouldn't give it to you) ~30K .E. Exes to lovers. Small town restaurateur Louis Tomlinson needs someone competent to work in his kitchen. Chef Harry Styles needs a job.

Always a Bridesmaid ~30K.E. While Harry’s friends are all getting engaged or married, he’s nowhere near walking down the aisle to his own happily ever after. The night before his best friend’s wedding, Harry falls into bed with a silver haired stranger who makes him wonder what his own forever might look like.

Things Never Change ~29K .E. Small town AU. Harry is about to graduate from college with a degree in Library Science, Louis is a skateboarding antiques dealer. 100% fluff. (and my first fic ever!)

Has The Ocean Lost Its Way ~28K .E. Louis and Liam are professional surfers who have been traveling the world together for years. They’re in Manly Beach, Sydney to compete in the 2017 Australia Open of Surfing when Louis meets Harry, a freelance surf photographer working for Surfer Magazine. Written for @hlsummerexchange2017

Campus Creatures co-written with YesIsAWorld @louandhazaf ~25K .E. It’s senior year for werewolf Louis Tomlinson and vampire Harry Styles, and as presidents of their respective fraternities, they’re determined to do it right. What that means is anybody’s guess. Written for round 3 of @onedirectionbigbang with gorgeous art by @glimmeringdoodles.

Yours In Fractions ~24K .E. Strangers to Lovers Christmas AU. Louis and Harry are strangers who, because of a mix up, share their mutual friend’s apartment and bed over the holidays.

Wine Not? ~21K .E. Louis’ Wine Dive is a bar run by the people for the people. Wine Styles is a boutique tasting room that caters to a more highbrow clientele. When their worlds clash on a beautiful Charleston street, one of these owners may find that an ounce of pretension doesn’t stand a chance against a pound of perseverance. Co-written with abrighteryellow, allwaswell16, dinosaursmate, crinkle-eyed-boo, disgruntledkittenface, FallingLikeThis, jaerie, Justalittlelouislove, kiwikero, LadyLondonderry, Layne Faire, lululawrence, momentofclarity, phdmama, QuickedWeen, Rearviewdreamer, red_special, SadaVeniren, someonethatsfunny, taggiecb.

The Oldest Magic Word ~18K .E. Louis gets called up to play Seeker for the English National Team and when he gets there, he finds out that Harry Styles, his old school crush, is the Team Healer. Written for @potterdirectionficexchange

Stranded in a Dream ~13K .T. Harry leaves everything behind for a job in Vegas which doesn’t quite work out as planned. Written for the @larriedinvegasficfest

BLVD ~12K .E. It’s the first week of summer break and Harry just wants to relax and enjoy his vacation in Myrtle Beach. If only he could stop making an ass of himself. Written for @wankfest 2019.

Baby Blues ~12K .E. 8 mpreg Harry snippets originally posted on Tumblr.

Midnight ~10k .E. “Alphas are for fucking and pheromones,” Louis said during their first conversation, when he was moving into the building and Harry offered to help haul boxes up the stairs. “I’m perfectly capable of carrying my own groceries.”

Ride My Sleigh Tonight ~9K .E. In exchange for free food and drinks at Liam’s office holiday party, Harry pretends to be his boyfriend. But this is not that story.

Strangers In The Night ~9K .E. Louis never thought he’d meet his soulmate. Harry never thought he’d meet a vampire. Written for the FOUR album fic fest.

Glitter Bomb ~8K .T. After a spectacularly awful date, Harry decides a little petty revenge will make him feel better. Things don't work out quite the way he plans.

Milk & Honey ~7.6K .E. Breastfeeding twins is no easy task, so Harry joins the local M.O.M.M. (Male Omegas Make Milk) support group. Written for @momrryfest2020

Uh oh, it’s Magic (when I’m with you) ~7K .E. Everyone Dreams eventually, and everyone's Dream is different, but all Dreams have one thing in common: They send the Dreamer on a Quest to find their Magic. It's been months since Louis started his Quest to live as a hermit in a cave in the middle of the woods and he’s not about to let some new guy disturb his hermitage. Written for @1dastroficfest

Just Around the Corner ~7K .E. Louis’ routine life is interrupted by the repeated appearance of… something. A ghost? A stranger? A hallucination? Written for @31daysofsmut

Graphic design is my passion ~6.5K .E. Graphic design student Louis Tomlinson doesn’t plan to get his heart broken and he doesn’t plan to make almost a hundred silicone dildos. One of these things definitely happens.

Running Over Thoughts ~6K .E. Harry returns to the beach town where he grew up, only to find that his ex-boyfriend Louis has moved back too.

Truth or Drink ~6K .M. Harry and Louis broke up years ago, and they're seeing each other again for the first time to play Truth or Drink. On camera.

Crash Landing ~6K .E. Louis crashes weddings for the thrill of it. He gets dressed up, uses fake names, and makes up stories to go along with each new persona. Sometimes he'll find someone on the guest list to spend the evening drinking and dancing with (among other things). No strings attached and he never sees them again. That is, until he meets a fellow wedding crasher. Written for the @moodboardprompts challenge.

You Put the Boom Boom Into My Heart ~6K. T. Harry's been trying all summer to come up with a way to show Louis how much he means to him before he leaves for college. Or five times Harry fails to win Wham! tickets and one time he succeeds.

Sweating ’Til My Clothes Come Off ~5K .E. Harry agrees to do some modeling to help out Niall, but the pictures will be a little more revealing than he expected. Written for the @50reasons to Have Sex Fest. Reason #14: Celebrate Recent Weight Loss

I’ll Show You Magic ~5K .E. Louis didn’t mean to go home with a Muggle, and he didn’t mean to sneak out of his flat in the morning. He definitely didn’t mean to wind up in that same flat a month later, attempting to steal a magical object before the Muggle gets home. Written for @potterdirectionficexchange.

Don’t Get Me Wrong ~5K .NR. Four times Louis’ art hurts Harry’s feelings, and one time it doesn’t. Written for the @1d5xfest.

Down On the Farm ~5K .E. Country Boy Harry and City Boy Louis take their relationship to the next level. Inspired by “Down On the Farm” by Tim McGraw.

Is that a candy cane in your pocket? ~5K .E. A Christmas fic. Louis accuses Harry of shoplifting. Harry was definitely not shoplifting. They work it out.

Southern Comfort ~5K .E. Girl!Direction. At a lavish engagement party thrown by her fiancé’s family, Louis meets what seems like a millions aunts and uncles and cousins, but only one stands out: Harry Styles, a gorgeous brunette in a red dress who makes Louis blush like she might catch fire. Written for @wankersday

Soft Wings ~4.4K .G. Harry is a Dolly Parton fan who wants to get a tattoo in tribute to her. Louis is the tattoo artist.

Number 84 ~4.3K .E. Louis and Harry are best friends and roommates, though Harry has always wanted more. When he accidentally stumbles upon a written confession of Louis’ true feelings for him, Harry finally takes the first step. Written for the @50reasons to Have Sex Fest. Reason #47: Miscommunication (Cheetos sex)

Splish Splash ~4.3K .E. Harry’s looking to get off with the boring, but willing, guy he met the week before. He sends him a selfie in the hopes that he’ll take the hint and they can hook-up again, but he accidentally sends it to someone else. Written for @hlsummerexchange2017

Home Remedies ~4.2K .E. Louis’ hiccups just won’t stop. Harry, his roommate and best friend, is willing to do anything to help.

U-Pop Truck Stop ~4.1K .E. After driving their big rigs all day, Harry and Louis park at the same truck stop.

Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby ~4.1K .E. There are millions of ways to get off. Harry tries something new. Written for Wankfest 2019.

Spring Fever ~4K .E. Harry’s finally out of the first trimester. He and Louis celebrate.

One Touch Is Never Enough ~3.8K .E. Werewolf AU. It’s been a rough year for Louis. First, he was turned into a werewolf, which hasn't been so bad, except that he didn't anticipate how it would affect his love life.

One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor ~3.7K .E. Niall Horan/Maggie Rogers fic. Niall and Maggie come up with a way to get revenge on her annoying neighbors. Written for @1dnicheficfest.

One of Many ~3.6K .E. Christmas season AU. Harry and Louis celebrate an anniversary ❤

Messtival ~3.5K .T. Halloween, Teacher AU. Based on the first prompt from this Tumblr post: I tried to buy all the Halloween candy in a store before you could.

It’s About Time ~3.5K .G. Best friends and roommates, Louis and Harry have been through a lot together, including law school for Louis, marriage and divorce for Harry. Their imminent eviction forces them to admit their feelings.

Feel Your Way ~3.5K .E. Louis Tomlinson tries to meet some colleagues for drinks and winds up meeting Harry Styles instead. Harry Styles: famous singer, songwriter, and actor, as well as the source material for the folder of wanking fodder entitled “hiddies” that Louis keeps hidden on his laptop. For @motorboatrryfest2021

Even at my worst, I'm best with you ~3K .NR. Louis thinks Harry knows he's going to propose and tries to throw him off by insisting he's not interested in marriage. It backfires. Based on Monica and Chandler's proposal from Friends. Written for the @28proposalsfest.

It’s not what it looks like... ~2.6K .E. Quarantine allows Harry the time to improve his sewing skills, thanks to the face masks he makes for friends and family. Proud of his work, he posts a picture on Instagram, but it's not what it looks like. Written for Wankfest 2020 @wankersday

If I can’t have you ~2.5K .E. Shiall fic. Shawn is tired of being so obvious about his feelings. Songs, words, gifts. Nothing gets his message across. In a last ditch effort to gain Niall’s attention, Shawn follows some advice from a nosy mutual friend. (Co-starring Louis & Harry). Written for Wankfest 2019 @wankersday

Almost Always ~2.5K .NR. After a night out, Louis meets Harry at a bus stop. Harry says they've met before. Written for the @wallsficfest.

Ahead in the Count ~2K .E. Louis’s been a catcher in the minor leagues for more than a decade and he’s never known a pitcher to touch his junk more often than he touches the baseball. Harry Styles, however, threw 117 pitches tonight, and adjusted himself 228 times. Written for round 5 of @wankersday fic fest.

The Need Seeps In ~2K .G. Feeling #189: The jealousy of strangers holding hands. A day in the life of Louis and Harry who’ve been together for more than a decade and have four children together. Written for the @1000feelingsfics challenge.

Until You Use Me Up ~2K .E. There's a fantasy that Harry's had for as long as he can remember, but he never thought it'd be possible to fulfill it. Written for the @anythingbutchallenge

Going To Set Himself On Fire ~2K .E. Established relationship Christmas AU inspired by drunk Harry singing karaoke and trying to set himself on fire with a champagne sparkler.

Size Difference ~1K .E. Harry avoids confrontation until he can't anymore. Written for the @1dshortficfest.

Alluvion ~1K .T. al·lu·vi·on /əˈlo͞ovēən/ 1 : the wash or flow of water against a shore. 2 : flood, inundation. 3: the action of the sea or a river in forming new land by deposition.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia ~ 666 words .G. Louis just wants to fall in love for eternity. Written for @1dtrickortreatfest.

Insomnis ~500 words .G. Harry’s been having trouble sleeping. Louis makes everything better. Written for the @1dshortficfest.

It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter ~ 400 words .T. A POV switch for sun, here it comes by YesIsAWorld. Louis wants to catch the eye of his hot neighbor who's always looking at his phone. His grey sweatpants are his secret weapon. Written for the Shake Off the Dust Quick Fic Fest and the @1dgreysweatpants fest.

honey, honey 100 words .NR. a villanelle style poem and drabble inspired by the song “Daylight” and written for @harryshouseficfest

Will My Heart Awake, Sunshine’s Around Me, Some Other Spring ~ 100 words each .G. A drabble series written for the @larrydrabble Spring Drabble Challenge. Based on the prompts: growth, sunlight, scampering.

Admission, Intention, Resolution ~ 100 words each .G. A drabble series written for the @larrydrabble Winter Drabble Challenge. Based on the prompts: cozy, gift, and wreath.

Collide ~ 100 words .G. A (head)canon about their first meeting.

A Larry Limerick ~ An actual limerick. 29 words (I tried).G. Written for the Shake Off the Dust Quick Fic Fest.

Poetry Series for Wordplay 2021:

Struggle ~ a diamante poem Oops! ~ a poem of three couplets The Great Divide ~ an idiom doggerel Arise, the Golden Sun ~ a villanelle poem Life Drawing ~ a free verse poem

#kingsofeverythingfics #my fic #fan fic #larry fic #writing #larry fan fiction #larry fanfiction #all my fics #fic masterpost #.txt #pinned

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ventingrightnow · 5 years

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-I’m not gonna get a sorry from you, am I? (I said sorry!) (no you did not) (I didn’t? Well I’m sorry)

-You could’ve come over and enjoyed my fire pit

-Well I had to go to this friend’s birthday party cause I had to be a good friend. (I cannot believe you just said that) I’ve known her for 10 years! (I’m cooler than someone you’ve known for 10 years)

-I didn’t know that the sad party meant that much to you.

-*him aggressively cleaning my desk to distract himself, a classic Mylastname move*

-that he got cancelled on by ice skater, then fucked some girl who goes to church at 1pm, a girl he originally met to have a 3some with (with his now ex girlfriend!) and she fucked him and then blew him for 30 min and he said it felt painful cause he had already finished. Then he met up with some other girl on Sunday night with some friends and she asked him for a drink and even though he wanted to just hang out with his friends and watch a movie, he went and fucked her.

-I just thought you’d care more. (How do I not care?) (is everyone asking you about it, asking what happened? Who has asked you?) (you.) (I’m the only one? And you say I don’t care)

-giving me advice on continuously sending them stuff

-when he was like, I’m not good at these kinds of things, and I go, I think you would’ve been good if I was some figure skater. And he’s like, well obviously not! And I go, well that’s cause she cancelled on you, he goes, ehh 50/50

-telling me that he’s told his whole family about me, his sister, dad and mother and the two girls he fucked on Sunday.

-continuously touching my hand, he held my hand at one point and I placed my head on it, and it was very cute

-saying he doesn’t know how to handle those situations (where it’s bad news) that if I had said let’s get some champagne he would’ve been in (which I think is a fuuuuuckin lie)

-also he only told me the sex stories because I specifically asked. (Tell me something funny, how was ice skating girl?)

-I stuck to the script, rockstar

-me saying that I would’ve loved to hear some sex story and wing woman’d for him that night and he’s like YOU WOULD NOT. And me going, I see a 10 over there, 9 over there (pointing at self) and a 10 right here. I’m going for the 10.

-him saying he tried to hook up with a different girl on Saturday but he got too stoned and went home. Him saying that he hasn’t banged two different chicks in one day since college

-me saying that whenever I’m sad I watch jackass or late night comedy

-saying, I’m being serious btw, that did make me sad that you couldn’t come out, and having prolonged eye contact

Ending feeling: like he’s a dick, with a heart

Also

The next day was weird cause Salesmanager got a promotion and he was all silent and only talked to me about work stuff (boo) and then the next day we talked a lot about stuff and then we were talking about the Alec Baldwin roast and he’s like “someone else was telling me to watch that” and I go “yeah, you must’ve overheard me and gfsales talking about it, you and Sexysales were talking behind us” we fight about it for a minute and then he says that his friend told him the same “after I was telling him about you and SNL” and I just looked at him, stuttering, like “how many people have you told about me??” I didn’t say anything I think the topic flew by but holy smokes, I hadn’t even heard of the person he was referencing. Aka ANOTHER person he talks about me to. I may not be literally famous but among the CRUSH-sphere, I am famous.

Also I can tell CRUSH is still such a salty butthole about me saying I didn’t think he cared about me cause he and gfsales (other sales guy) were at my desk talking about John mulaney and CRUSH goes “you look different — is it just the earrings?” And I’m like, idk yes? And he goes “do you think gfsales notices the little differences?” And Gfsales is like, the the fuck?? And he goes “hey I like your jacket, is that new? New shoes?” Hahah

He asked me if this girl he swiped on was cute or not to which i responded that she was but maybe a little crazy but to go for it and then I tried stealing his phone cause I wanted to edit his profile but he said he was busy and wanted to pay full attention to everything I said and then he goes “you’ve had an eyelash on your face for a full hour” and I got it off and told him to make a wish and he did but only after holding my hand to do so since I had tortilla dust on it. Then I went over to his desk to bully him into giving me his phone and he said no a bunch of times until the front desk started calling him and I go “Halo investing, this is HIDULLNAME speaking” and I let them up. Then Sexysales and I talk at my desk for 10 min about survivor and I walk over to hand CRUSH his Simon ball back and he’s making fun of us for talking about survivor like “neh neh neh” and I get close to him and he’s like “no! Don’t hurt me!” I’m like, is that an impression of me? And he’s like “no I’m being scared of you” lol and while I’m hanging around his desk he goes “you look extra fancy today, is it just the earrings?” I’m literally wearing dark blue jeans, the floral t-shirt and the light blue denim jacket but am wearing earrings and did a swipe of the black line for mascara extension. (Like the liquid liner line) I’m like, “fancy?” He’s like “yeah, you have a date tonight?” And I make a joke that I’m seeing some football player since he’s got some date with a cheerleader tonight but do say that I don’t have a date tonight.

Me telling him today that he was cute when he was talking about a girl he liked but didn’t get to be with cause he moved too late

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moon-dust-lust · 5 years

Text

I write bad stand up comedy so thanks

So nice of everyone to come tonight, on a good day I have no more than four people that look at me at one time, so this is definitely making me severely uncomfortable. I'm only 20 years old which means just like every other 20 year old I cry in the shower and use tinder. I at first thought of tinder as a great way to pick up prey as a serial killer. I watched criminal minds a kid and I watch FOX news so every predator showcased on those forums are white dudes. I am also from eugene oregon so pretty much all of tinder looks like the milk aisle. Some are organic, some are fat free and others are being fought over by two different women who will send you death threats over facebook and try and sabotage your relationship. It is just great. Anyways, I recently decided as an in debt 20 year old with too may bills to pay and a customer service job that I'm already dead inside, so if I died it'd be pretty much how it is now except I would no longer have obligations and all the guys from my high school would finally pay attention to me. My first experience was just as about as fucked as it gets. He was this hot guy, six foot, covered in tattoos. He had just moved from utah, or illinois or somewhere else unimportant. He asked me for my snapchat, which ws already a flag because he was 26 and no one except someone over the age of 12, a soccer mom that's had a little too much wine, or a celebrity uses it; but I let it slide. So he's sending me pics and it looks like he's outside. He's sitting in a tent and so I'm like, "oh are you camping? that's fun. Don't let me keep you from anything". He's all, "No I live in a tent". Come to find out he had no job, no car and was living in a tent on someone's property. He was a homeless man. Now, how I found hopefully the only homeless man on tinder is beside me, but the weirdest part is how he had a phone still and also how he thought he could pick up chicks. Like did he think as a date i would let him shower at my place? Or was he thinking my ass would get fully dressed up in make up and heels just to spend the night in his tent? Would he make me bring my own firewood and sleeping bag? My own can of beans? My experiences with men are pretty much summed up by this interaction alone. My first date ever, I showed up at this guy's house and it was infested with rabbits. I am talking ten or twelve. Then he took me up to his room to watch a movie, door open because this was high school and I had never even seen a condom before and his mom was downstairs watching something with jennfier aniston in it. His room was COVERED in pictures of his ex girlfriend. Pictures she drew of them, gifts she gave him, pictures of them together etc. SO, I was so uncomfortable but I was thinking it was probably just because he was too lazy to take them down. I was so wrong. So, so very wrong. Let me preface this by saying this was my first date, EVER. I had no idea what it was supposed to be like. He was a quarter back and he was all in shape and tan and that was pretty much all I knew about it. He had a really cliché rich white name and he was one of the only sophomores with a car and no curfew. He was a real bad boy. So after my date I got approached by his ex girlfriend at a party. She then told me that he was sending pictures of me while I wasn't looking to her and telling her how great of a time he was having and how he didn't need her. This was my first god damn date. I just cannot believe the progress I have made in the 5 years I have been dating. I never dated in middle school because i wore blue eyeliner and had a perm in the late 200s. I was really setting myself up to fail to begin with. I had one relationship that lasted three years. There is this funny thing about guys where they start out pretty normal and then after they really get comfortable they start to cheat on you and go crazy. It is just the weirdest thing. It's like the gremlins except instead of not feeding them after midnight you provide the with emotional stability and all the love in your hard. Big mistake ladies, Am I right? This guy I dated was so much fun. There was one time he told me I was absolutely perfect. He would tell me "Everything about you is perfect, except you could use a boob job". look, I will be the first to say i have the littlest titties in america, but I'll be damned if you dont appreciate them. They are like one piece of chocolate or the very back row of seats of a concert. You're just glad you got a little taste of your favorite thing, okay? I am like the bronze medal you get at a sporting event. Bitch you should just be happy you got any trophy at all. This guy was a real whackadoodle. He would cheat on me and then not let me go out with dudes, or ladies, bisexual pride woot woot, because he thought i would cheat to get back at him. But jokes on him because nobody likes me and I also didn't have any friends. I ended up breaking up with him because he was obviously terrible and he decided to stalk me. All i could think about when he would harass my family and try and show up at my school and had his parents blow up my phone is, "now you miss my lil tities?" who was gonna pay for all this shit in the first place? where did he think i was gonna get the fucking money for this? I am a broke college student, I drive a car that sounds like an eighty year old at the back of a movie theater coughing and I work at a restaurant where everyone is so stoned, it's like I'm at in the middle of portland on a saturday night. I go to the university of oregon. A very fun school, full of people who have no interest in talking to me. In their defense half the time I have my headphones in and I am crying so I guess it's just in everyone's best interest to not get into it. I am a psychology major, which I call the boring white girl major. I got into it to become a sex therapist, mostly because I am not having any and really want to find out if there's a book on how to make people not continuously reject you, but also because sex is a hard topc and I talk about it like a human urban dictionary. The worst part about the university is the talking. There was one time I had a 200 person anthropology class and these girls from a sorority who all obviously took the class together to cheat and not do anything ever, were describing their friend tiffany or gemma or some other rich fake tanned name's vomit. The color, texture, smell, everything. They were analyzing what she had eaten the previous morning and all the alcohol she mixed and all I could think was, " if you spent half as much time talking about your friend samantha's vomit as you would listening you wouldn't be failing this class and self medicating with alcohol to the point where you throw up because youre a bunch of clemintine sharp nailed looking green beans". Like i pay too much to listen to you explain the thong you bought and how it chafes your butthole when you dry hump alex from the frat across the street who is also fucking tina with the fake nose and even though he gave you clamydia six months ago, you trust him now you know? I own one bra and one pencil. I am wearing two completely different socks, one is a knee high and the other is an ankle one. Whenever I am hungry i dont go to sushi, I go to bed. So please Gretchen from Bitch, Bump &grind and beyond stop and let me at least get a C so I can land a job that makes me 12 dollars an hour and I can be poor in a different setting. I work full time and go to school. I am not like most millenials. I don't have time to eat avocado toast or catch HPV. At my little restaurant in junction city, the staff is absolutely questionable. I was the first girl there who was single and under the age of 40, so naturally I became bate for every man in society you hope you never run into in life. The first was our host. He looked like bowzer from mario if he were a white middle class man. He was shaped like a tear drop, so his head was small and oddly shaped and the rest of him just got wider and rounder as you went down. He always wore the same button down shirt, I think to try and impress me, but like it was his only button down shirt. Anyways, he is what I call the lingerer. If you are a woman who has ever had a man like you at work, you know exactly what I am talking about. He would follow around, but like at a creepy slow distance and he would stare at me until he thought i was looking and then looked away. He would also reach over or around me just so he could be close to me. It's weird and painful to watch. He also asked my sister, who also works there, if i was a lesbian because i wasnt immediately interested in him. Let me digress for a moment and say that just because a woman rejects you doesnt mean she loves only vagina. It usually means you arent a good person, or she just doesnt wanna date, or she has a boyfriend already, or you have no common interests, or she doesnt want to mix work with her personal life or maybe she has something personal against blonde guys, white guys, guys with glasses, she dated someone with your name and its weird, she has a lot of issues with touching, you have weird hands, you have bad breath, you are bad at your job, she is asexual, or THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON SHE JUST DOESNT LIKE YOU AT ALL EVER. Men are so vapid about that sometimes. Anyways, he gave me a cash tip off one of my tables and I, trying to be civil was all, "oh i love free money thank you" trying to relate to him because he seemed like the type to bring a gun to work and I really wasnt in the mood to get shot or followed out to my car so i gotta keep is civil you know? so apparently you cannot be friends with sexual predators because then he gets all close and whispers in my ear "is that how I get in your pants, by throwing money at you?". The tip he gave me was only five dollars. If is ass thought having sex with me would cost only five dollars, he has no idea how bad inflation is or how much i spend on amazon a month. Also, even with my little titties and cellulite, no amount of money would let me fuck a guy who looked like barnie the dinosaur if he were a white pale ghost. I have very low standards, but they exist for sure. somewhere. deep down. The next guy i had was this old cook. he was 65 and he cooked in the morning. His wife was obviously dead, in his basement or both because he was always saying nasty things to me. He told me that if he were forty years younger he would hire me as his kid's babysitter so he could fuck me. He also told me he was extremely attracted to me and terrified of me at the same time. He one time came up to me and asked me what i had in my front seat because i was hiding something under a coat. He has rotted out teeth and children older than me. It is men like those guys that make me think, "am I really that bad to the point this is as good as it gets?

#badcomedy #standup #socially awkward #im fragile #trying my best #comedy

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