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goblinofthelaboratory · 2 months

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oc dump; long post

The Everon Family:

lil found family with convoluted backstories. v intersectional so maybe im getting stuff wrong but im doing my best to show their pain while still letting them enjoy their life together.

they're all more or less colour coded because it's easier that way, i have detailed ideas of what they look like but picrews are easier and if i try to put them down on paper i will try to burn the evidence of my failure

Qatir, often called Qat(kat). He is a second generation american of syrian descent, attended med school on scholarships and is a resident neuropathologist. The accident that killed his parents(cliche i know) damaged his spine and revealed very early stage degenerative disk disease. He regularly uses various mobility aids. He's also very friendly, plus-sized, and a femboy.

Yelisavetta, often called Lisya(Leesyuh). She is a Russian immigrant of Mongolian heritage. Her parents immigrated with her when she was 14, and becoming more acutely aware of her transness. She remains stealth for safety reasons. Lisya is quiet and reserved, but quite sympathetic and kind. She is employed as a social worker, and one of the first to reach out to anyone in need. complex PTSD

Celeste, occasionally called "lest" (by close friends). She is proudly Chicana and Deaf. She's used to moving around and not fitting in anywhere, so she decided to fit out. She's fluent in uncountable language varieties, including LSM, ASL, written and spoken standard spanish, standard english, and chicano spanish. She prefers to speak a combined dialect of LSM with ASL. This is the language the other Everons use to communicate with her. She does not use hearing aids because she hates them. She loves stars, and is an edgy femme lesbian. also works as an accountant because she's good with numbers

Brooklyn, often called Brooke. She was born n raised in New Orleans, LA and is mixed Haitian-Rromani. She inherited the family restaurant and does her best. She can cook, not coordinate. ADHD combined type. She's very outgoing and sweet, but tends to over extend herself. She loves cooking and is usually in the kitchen experimenting. (her color is green she just steals Eliott's shirts)

Eliott. wet beast. He's Black and grew up in the Deep South, has an angelic singing voice that his parents exploited from a young age. They also encouraged his strong perfectionistic tendencies. He refused to acknowledge the mere possibility of his situation being abusive or himself being bi until the age of 16½, at which point he had an existential crisis. Ever since, he's been recovering from those experiences. Has done extensive research and recognizes himself in OCD, C-PTSD, autism, ADHD inattentive, and severe depression, but doesn't want to claim any for fear that he's just being overdramatic. we all love and value Eliott.

@life-is-okay-rn @mayhem-moth @snailcheeserulz @dandelions-arent-weeds @urlocalsupermarketofendocrinosis

idk who all wants to see this but have at it

#eternal goblin chatter in my brain #my ocs #everon family #eliott everon #brooklyn everon #yelisavetta everon #qatir everon #celeste everon

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mp3chan · 2 years

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4:46 am [F]

plz reblog if you enjoy it!

pairing: bangchan x gn!reader

word count: 599

tw: reader has depression, anxiety & adhd, mentions of a psychiatrist

sum: y/n is angry with their psychiatrist and bangchan is left with the aftermath

an: this is purely self indulgent dont mind me (cause my psych sucks)

you practically kicked the dorm door open, slamming it behind you. letting out a frustrated shriek. “UGH!” you knew you were being loud but you had to be quiet the whole way home from the psychiatrist’s office and needed to let it out.

you went toward to the living to see a stunned changbin, jisung, chan and hyunjin. you looked visibly angry, something most of them hadn’t seen.

“you won’t BELIEVE what that fuck face told me!” you started on your rant, only to be stopped by jisung literally booking it to his room.

“yeah i’m out, they’re your problem bro.” changbin told chan, patting him on the shoulder briefly and then going to his room.

“whatever it is, it’s bullshit. but you’re scary when you’re mad. bye.” hyunjin told you before booking it to his room too.

leaving just you and chan. he was a little scared because he didn’t know how to handle you in such a state of anger.

“d-do you want to tell-“ he started to ask you when you began your rant again.

“this fuck face reads my file, acknowledges I have severe depression, anxiety and adhd and THEN-“ you started to getting louder the more you got into ranting.

chan was worried about other dorms around them hearing you and getting a noise complaint filed against them, but he was more worried about how angry and upset you were.

he reached forward and pulled you close to him, letting you straddle his legs and sit on his lap, watching you instantly calm down a little.

you sighed and rested your head against his chest. “and then he tells me I need to take the mental health assessment again and that he’s not changing my meds at all. i don’t understand why he wants me to take it again with no med changes because shit won’t change.” you whined, feeling chan gently rub your back.

“im sorry, doll.” chan apologized, even though he wasn’t at fault. he knew how hard you fought to even get your diagnosis of adhd in the first place and how badly you wanted to get better.

“not your fault.” you lifted your head up and sniffled. “just wanna be happier and not be as tired all the fucking time.” you wiped your tears away. “you make me the happiest i’ve ever been but that-“ you started to ramble.

“i know doll, doesn’t change the fact you still have depression. I understand.” chan smiled at you, you didn’t know how he calmed you down so fast.

“i'm sorry i yelled channie.” you apologized, leaning back on his chest and snuggled against him, trapping him there to give you cuddles.

“it’s alright doll, you needed to get it off your chest. i do think you terrified the boys though.” he smiled, remembering the look of horror on jisung’s face as he ran to his room.

you giggled remembering their shocked faces. “even you looked a little scared. am I that scary when I’m mad ?” you asked him, hoping you hadn’t scared any of them too bad.

“a little bit.” chan blushed and chuckled.

“is y/n out of kill mode?” changbin asked peeking his head around the corner.

“they’re not gonna rip anyone heads off right?” hyunjin joined in on the questioning.

you leaned back on chan and gave the boys a thumbs up. “im ok now. sorry if I scared you.” you apologized.

“remind me never to piss you off like that. holy shit.” jisung finally said emerging into the room, followed by hyunjin and changbin.

#mp3chanwrites #bangchan #skz imagines #skz fluff #skz scenarios #bangchan scenarios #bangchan fluff #skz #stray kids #skz x reader #bangchan imagines #kpop fluff #this is very self indulgent #plz forgive me lmao

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goth-oatmilk-latte · 4 months

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a compilation of how my family members are treated vs how im treated

stepbrother: allowed to have bipolar disorder. allowed to literally be a deadbeat dad, but my parents will do anything for his child, financial or otherwise. allowed to quit all career obligations and do nothing for months and ask my parents for money to fund his life because he "needed a break from everything." had his ENTIRE education funded by both his parents plus my mother. has actually been bailed out of near jail time for old, unpaid parking tickets. he is 4 years older than me.

my stepsister: encouraged to pursue her dream, which is being a SAHM working an actual pyramid scheme job. was also told it was okay if she dropped out of college to get married and have kids, was basically encouraged to do so bc she was marrying someone our family presumed will take care of her. gets treated like a princess, gets everything she wants more or less bc shes pretty and has a kid. shes 2 years older than me.

my cousin: has quit every career ever. is piss poor mother. has on multiple occasions left kids at her parents to go party. her parents (my aunt and uncle) felt bad for her bc working was "too hard" so they gave her their house and pay for everything she does. everything she does is some insane celebration. shes not depressed, she will literally tell you she's lazy, enjoys being lazy, and doesnt want to do much bc its more fun to sit around and have other ppl do things for her. entire family encourages and fawn over every stupid thing she does. had 2 kids while unemployed and unmarried, given evrry resource possible. even my stepdad makes sure she doesnt need anything. same age as my stepbrother.

me: has graduated from two degrees and received no recognition, in fact my mother acted like my graduation from mortuary school was somehow a burden on her. was told "figure it out" about college, and then bitched at for every decision i made relating to it. no recognition for accomplishments period. finally got help for severe untreated mental illness, constantly told i just want attention, my own mother told our family i made up having an ED doe attention, and my mother threw my meds away one year when i came home from college on break bc she thought it was hard drugs. not even allowed to be mentally ill, literally taunted for showing symptoms. was taunted and made fun of for being visably depressed when my dad died. always told to figure it out myself. was told if i ever had a kid not to expect any kind of help. never praised. never celebrated. constantly nitpicked about everything. family was so uninterested in me that half of them never even paid attention to me being engaged, and then was literally told "we wish it was [name redacted] instead, he was a nice boy" even though the person they're referring to raped me, and I told them that. could probably never do a damn thing right or get any type of praise even if i cured cancer, AIDS, and abolished world poverty.

just wondering where they get the idea that im the least favorite and also why i want nothing to do with anyone. "we love everyone equally" YEAH? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT??

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melissacove · 1 year

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Lost Silver headcanons

Because of all the trauma he went through, he’s selectively mute:( he’s comfortable talking to his Pokémon though. The guys thought he was 100% mute until BEN went into his game and saw him rambling to his Pokémon about nothing in particular. Lost texted BEN about it later and BEN promised to support him. It was sooo cute.

his favorite song is Cemetery Drive by mcr (IM NOT PROJECTING I SWEAR-)

he needs a hug

he has a wheelchair and feels really bad since people have to push him around for stuff. Glitchy red (his brother from when they were alive, my hc) always pushes him around and tells him he doesn’t mind. Glitchy actually enjoys it, he likes spending quality time with his little brother♥️

(Tw, mentions of and eating disorder and depression in this headcanon, skip past if that triggers you) lost has a hard time believing he deserves human rights… he feels bad for what happened to his Pokémon and thinks it’s his fault. Slenderman managed to bring the Pokémon back to life, but he knows they’re still in constant pain because of him… his brother has to make sure he actually eats because of this. Glitchy is really worried, but no one else knows about it. Herobrine does know, however, about Lost’s severe depression. (Dr. Smiley and Nurse Ann gave him meds for it and it helps)

Lost starting calling herobrine Dad after Herobrine, after having lost him at a busy event, said “Lost, you cant scare me like that, i love you like a son, lost!” And from then on Lost called Herobrine Dad. The other game pastas do, too.

Lost is dating BEN

He’s biromantic and asexual

BEN is the only one allowed in Lost’s game other than Lost himself

hes 14 (so is BEN, who is confirmed to be an aging spirit)

Lost is also an aging spirit

His Pokémon’s smile is one of the few things that still make Lost truley happy

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bellysoupset · 8 months

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hi again!!

okay first off i LOVED Bella and Luke’s impromptu wedding AHHHH they’re so so adorable😭 also, i know i said sicily part 6 was WONDERFUL (all time fave fr) but i never commented on part 7 and OH MY GOODNESS i had to take breaks from reading bc of how hard i was blushing at vin teasing wen 🤭 she was so real for every single one of her reactions omg

on that note OMG so excited for that food poisoning fic I CANT WAIT TO READ IT <3 and i love that it’s gonna be angsty and touch on her body dysmorphia ahhhh 😭🫶🏽

ALSO i’ve been meaning to ask this because i feel like you haven’t talked about it much? (or maybe i missed it? if so im so sorry lol) but basically, i know you said that wendy’s parents were NOT happy with her coming out, but that they eventually sort of “allowed” her to transition bc her mental health got bad. i clearly love angst (all your angsty fics are TOP TIER🤭), so i really wanna know more about her mental health struggles. is that something you’d dive into in an ask, or would you maybe incorporate it and/or hint at it in fics? i would genuinely LOOOOOVE to learn more about this!!!

ANYWAYS again YOU’RE AWESOME & IM OBSESSED WITH YOUR OCs‼️

- 🦦

Hi 🦦!!

What a wall of love, my heart is bursting out of my chest 😭 And Sicily 6 being your all time fave of all 102 fics of mine, this is HIGH PRAISE!!

Wendy whenever Vin brings up tummyaches is like Error 404, I feel her in my bones. If a hot guy did that to me I think I might just have a stroke and die.

I haven't actually covered any of Wendy's mental health issues in my fics! I had planned on doing one in NY with Vin & Wendy, but I keep putting it off bc I know I'll have to tap on some sensitive topics that require research on my part and I'm lazy.

Here's some things I think on Wendy's case. She's always been a chubby girl, but before her transition this bothered her a lot. It added to the already installed feelings of something being off with her and even when she managed to put things together, but was not allowed to transition physically this made her life hell. It was a toss up between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia.

She got a pretty bad eating disorder back then (which btw, never made her thin, only fucked up her health) and she s*lf-h4armed, up until her parents found out about this, alongside some pretty concerning journals with su1cide ideation and they "caved".

Simply put her parents are jerks, but they're not evil and in hindsight they do know it was the right thing to do, they're just... Well, jerks who refused to own up the fact they were wrong and certain things are still very wrong.

I think it's important to highlight Wendy and Leo are very different in this aspect, even if both of them have had suic1dal thoughts and struggled with their queer identities. Wendy is not chronically depressed, she hit a rough patch and she has since healed up. She's in a great place right now and, yes, she's got insecurities and fears, but she's not medicated and doesn't need to be.

Leo's depression is chronical and he's medicated and will always be so. Without his meds he will struggle with su1cidal thoughts and erratic behavior regardless of how happy he is with his life at the moment.

Wendy's trigger make her cry, at most they make her sad for a week. Leo's triggers cause severe panic attacks.

#myocs #wendy marshall #leo wagner #i know i made it a bit about leo at the end but i think its an important distinction (health professional in me jumping out)#also i dont think any of those words should ever be censored i'm just doing that bc I dont wanna risk tumblr labeling this mature or smth #hate this website #🦦 anon #lovely correspondence

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27-royal-teas · 1 year

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hi its lyric analysis time and uhh this time im tying Hum Hallelujah to the Best Buy incident because i really do think that pete’s past is integral in his writing and also i just kind of want to address it. It’s some dark shit so read with caution. Trigger warnings for lengthy (but not graphic) discussions of suicide, suicide attempts, and drug overdose.

i address things very jumbled and the verses are out of order so yeahh. In addition i did use lyricgenius a lot but im not just copying off them, i have my own ideas, give me some credit ://

For those of you guys who dont know, pete tried to commit suicide via anxiety med overdose in a best buy parking lot after FUTCT was released in 2005 (thus, ‘best buy incident’) but i just want to touch on how it affected his songs, this one in particular; it shows through the lyrics in this and i really dont see enough people talking about it because this song is a masterpiece (i am well aware Infinity On High released sixteen years ago (WOW) but you all talk about thnks fr th mmrs and arms race enough- this is not a bad thing, i just really like this song)

So hum hallelujah’s chorus goes like this:

“So hum hallelujah, just off the key of reason

I thought i loved you but it was just how you looked in the light

A teenage vow in a parking lot; til tonight do us part

I sing the blues and swallow them too.”

pete is pretty much known for his lyrics (aside from being a bassist and several media scandals) and a lot of his lyrics, if you havent noticed, are really fucking depressing. He thinks that maybe he can swallow the sadness which presumably alludes to the drug overdose (“i sing the blues and swallow them too”). It feels also like hes saying that he swallows his own words, as well- his style of lyrics is deeply confessional and tells a story, just like blues, of which is described to hold a conversational feel. It could also be a throwback to the saying you’re going to eat your words, which basically just means ‘you’re going to regret what you say’. He’s singing his sadness.

For the rest of the chorus, it’s pretty much just the best buy incident. Hallelujah references what he was listening to when he tried to do it. lyricgenius notes that the key of c major is often referred to as the ‘key of reason’ (the original hallelujah was written in this key). HOWEVER, hum hallelujah was written in the key of D (which is right after C major) which makes it just off the key of reason. ‘A teenage vow in a parking lot’ (lyricgenius doesnt agree with me on this one rip) references the attempt- a vow of death; vows are meant to be binding, but a teenage vow might be broken as teenagers are typically painted to be naive (showing he DIDNT SUCCEED IN THE ATTEMPT). the parking lot is because best buy. You might also contrast this line with marriage and how those vows are supposed to be binding, although thats not always the case. ‘Til tonight do us part’ brings up the marriage vow (again) ‘until death do us part’. hes talking about how since he’s going to do it that day, that will be the day they are parted.

i also wanted to look into the reasoning of hallelujah beyond the fact that that was what he was listening to, and google steadily reports that it means praise the lord or praise god and appears in several psalms in the Old Testament, typically at the beginning or the end. Its a phrase that, to me, symbolizes relief and new beginnings, and i think its interesting that its paired with this line in this way.

Straying away from the musical explanation, ‘just off the key of reason’ could also be interpreted as ‘just off the verge of insanity’ (just off reason).

thanking the lord while losing your mind… nothing patrick does in any of his songs is unintentional. to me the entire chorus itself feels like a musical panic attack.

lyricgenuis also brings up an excellent point with i thought i loved you but it was just how you looked in the light. It’s kind of a regret sentence. it could mean a lover, someone he had glorified until he actually got to know them (gee, i do get that) or it could be his outlook on death and his suicide attempt in general. He thought that dying would be an escape, but in another light, looking back later, he can see it was not the right choice after all.

The second verse goes:

“The road outside my house

Is paved with good intentions

hired a construction crew

cause’ its hell on the engine”

This entire verse is telling us this: pete is trying his very best to live, to get outside his house, to wade through the massive depressive slump and his view on how he just messes everything up, but no matter what he does, nothing works and he hurts everyone else (‘it’s hell on the engine’). Hes saying that his best is never good enough because whenever people try to help him- when he tries to help himself- it only backfires. The prechorus goes like this:

“And you are the dreamer

And we are the dream

i could write it better than you ever felt it”

i feel like everyones dreamed of being famous at some point of time. I know i have. I still want to be famous. Its the dream, i guess, being credited for accomplishments. We all want validation (how sad is that?) but these two lines, you are the dreamer and we are the dream is kind of like saying dreams can come true, because look at me, im living it.

as for ‘i could write it better than you ever felt it’ lyricgenius does have a pretty decent explanation. it could ALSO, HOWEVER, mean not being able to put a name to things, but even if you feel numb inside, you can write it down. i for one have an entire moleskine filled with potential song lyrics and poetry, and every single line is something ive felt.

I think that, excluding the chorus, my favorite verse in this song would have to be the one right after the chorus.

“My words are my faith, to hell with our good name

Remix of your guts, your insides x-rayed

and one day we’ll get nostalgic for disaster

We’re a bull, your ears are just a china shop”

lyrical GOLD

I cant even decide which one i want to go through first so lets just start at the top. fall out boy was never known for being good; they were known for being different, weird, emo. ‘my words are my faith’ call to mind the mention of religion, something of which has been a controversial topic pretty much the entire time humans have been alive. he will fight to keep his ‘religion’ alive, even if it sours his name. And pete has spent his whole life writing; hes pretty much dedicated himself to this band, so it wont take much for him to throw away his name to keep it (perhaps this is linked to the best buy incident because he doesnt care anymore).

Remix of your guts could mean someone changing the meaning of something you’ve poured your heart and soul into. your insides x-rayed is interpreted to mean being overanalyzed so much that the orignal meaning is lost (rip im doing that right now arent i) but honestly when i heard this line the first thing i thought of was that one time pete got his heart x rayed to give to his girlfriend, which was truly peak pete wentz. i dont think its correlated with the song but it would definitely be interesting

One day we’ll get nostalgic for disaster again its that LOOKING BACK. im a fucking sucker for nostalgia. Id get high on it if i could. Im so stuck in the past, but im trying to move on. Nostalgic for disaster,.. he probably misses the van days. those were definitely a disaster, but he can look back and go hey, that was one of the highlights of my life.

We’re a bull and your ears are just a china shop calls back to the song’s second verse again-- it’s similar to hired a construction crew, 'cause’ it’s hell on the engine. It recalls the phrase a bull in a china shop which comes to mean ‘a clumsy person’. ‘a clumsy person breaking things’. He’s using a generalization (which I actually notice he does a lot, it takes the pressure off something being personal, it’s a tactic of YEP, YOU GUESSED IT, AVOIDANCE) to say that he will ruin everything he does, and that could translate into the listeners eventually, as well.

The second prechorus of the song also ends with ‘I could write it better than you ever felt it’ but the first line is different. It goes:

“Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills”

This is so clearly influenced by the Best Buy Incident. You can choose to live, to take a chance, or you can take the pills and take the fast way out. This could also mean taking a break from medication (I’m pretty sure pete went off his meds for some time). By going off his medication in order to feel things (sometimes we take chances) it could harm him, but he’d rather do that than take the pills.

Halfway through this essay i have come to the realization that im writing in a really light tone and it could be taken as im joking about this situation and for the record i am not joking about any of it, i am very serious, pete attempting to commit suicide was terrible and mental health is not something to joke about. i understand the weight of what happened and im not trying to make light of it im just trying to analyze how this event impacted his work- specifically this song in particular- and i just want it known that i dont take suicide lightly and while the mood of this is supposed to be analytical and easy to read, im not trying to be casual about any of it. ok thanks for reading this interlude

anyway the first verse, the intro, is actually really hard to hear the words in the song because patrick does not enunciate at ALL and even though i know the lyrics i still cant tell what hes saying lol but anyway the first verse goes like this:

“It’s all a game of this or that, now versus then,

Better off against worse for wear

And youre someone who knows someone who knows someone

i once knew

and i just want to be a part of this”

The first line here i believe correlates to the pressure that pete felt as the frontman of fall out boy; their entire goal AS fall out boy was to take something current and differentiate it with a spin. often the fans would complain that the sound had changed (im looking at you, everyone who hated mania, i am glaring, mania is my musical wife) and often their new sound would be compared to the old sound, mostly by fans who didnt like anything after take this to your grave- thus, ‘now versus then’. ‘This or that’ could also relate to this but furthermore i think its the choices and sacrifices pete made as the frontman. Im not going to go into specifics but uhhh yeah.‘Better off against worse for wear’ makes me think of mcr’s set at wwwy fest when they dressed up super old as a stab at nostalgia.,, perhaps here pete is saying that the fans would rather them have their older sound and be less mentally stable rather than doing better off with something new.

‘And youre someone who knows someone who knows someone i once knew’ im not sure this is completely relevent and slash or connected with the previous part of the verse but its definitely connected with the next line : “and i just want to be a part of this”. again connecting it to sickly sweet nostalgia. Maybe its about him himself. He thought he knew himself five years ago maybe but now he doesnt, and he sort of wants that back, when he was freer, and now here he is in a best buy parking lot, overdosing on ativan.

I think the only thing that i have left on this is the second half of verse two (fuck, this is what i get for doing this song out of order over the span of four days) so um:

“I love you in the same way, there’s a chapel in a hospital,

One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door”

This might be the second part most linked to the best buy incident because it feels especially morbid, the idea of a chapel in a hospital, waiting for the people who are already dead. ‘One foot in your bedroom and one foot out the door’ sort of illustrates someone who is ready to escape at a moment’s notice, someone who is preparing for the worst. it sort of reflects the feeling of waiting for someone to die. Chapel in a hospital definitely plays into the ‘waiting for someone to die’ factor. when you’re holding your breath to make sure your best friend in the world is still alive… fuck. I cant even imagine what that feels like. I’d also be preparing for the worst.

The bridge to this song is interesting. It’s just the main chorus of the original Hallelujah but still in the key of D, and it has a slightly faster tempo than the original. And, of course, patrick is singing it. It gives the feeling of a climax, a deciding factor. given the fact that its the bridge and the whole point of a bridge is to make the turning point of a song, i guess that kind of makes sense, but it feels even more like you’re holding your breath with anticipation and the cusp of regret.

anyway this song is just really interesting and there are. so many different ways to take the words of pete wentz. i should make a lyricgenius account.

#meta #toby speaks #fall out boy #tw suicide #TW mentions of suicide #tw drug mentions #tw overdose #fob #pete wentz #Toby’s metas #fuck. this took me four days fuck #infinity on high #ioh

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stick-ball · 6 months

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I got a sudden influx of followers since Nora dropped the news on us, leading to me coming back to the fandom, so I thought I should introduce myself since that seems to be a thing now, and back when I started this account it wasn’t, and only my life-sentence mutuals really know who tf posts all these crappy memes, so without much ado:

Hi, im J, or Y - you can also call me Yasamen or Adam;

I roll with she/her pronouns on the daily even tho im she/they but my native language genders everything so dont worry about how you adress me;

Currently in my mid 20’ (look everyone, we all found those books as teens so.. its been a while);

Infodump: demisexual bisexual. Virgo sun pisces moon. INFJ. 2w1.

I speak polish, english, french and surprisingly good italian. Currently forcing myself to learn german bcs my cousin insists on speaking in only that hell of a language and seriously, it makes me get out the wine bottle some days.

Everyone is welcome here! Kids, teens, adults - I don’t post about anything more hardcore than what’s in the books, so since you’re entering a fandom blog I think you know what you’re getting into;

My inbox is always open, I love discussing stuff and it would give my friends some peace if I did more of it with new people. I’ll just ask you to keep it civil.

Okay I lied there are some people that are not welcome here, and that’s xenophobes, racists, antisemites and islamophobes. If you think “slavs” are a race of slaves you should also run for the fucking hills bcs i will find you and it’s gonna make nathan seem like a nice guy. I’m also a hardcore feminist, so I don’t tolerate outward misogyny (keep that to yourself baby boy).

On the daily I work with fine arts. I also make a lot of art, although of the traditional type I don’t share on here - but im pushing myself to get more comfortable with digi, so your support is much appreciated.

I suffer from ptsd and severe anxiety. I’m neurodivergent. I’m also very light sensitive so please don’t send me any flashing gifs or pattern heavy/optical illusion kind of things unless you want me to block you while throwing up.

I have a lot to say about multiple plot points in the books due to my own experiences with depression, abuse, religion and meds.

Besides aftg major fandoms im into are : the roman empire, batman, star wars, hannibal.

Nice to meet you!

#get to know me #just realised i never intruduced myself just one day started posting shittposts #and ive been getting lots of traffic so hello new friends nice to meet you

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trangenderstan · 2 years

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My Stanley headcanons because im like that (featuring some others but they're all Stanley-centric)

He likes metal/hard rock music. Idk something about his whole attitude to hippie music and the "Youth these days" has so much "Ugh modern rock is nothing like old rock" vibes

Going back to the previous one, i totally see him listening to SOAD. Especially Chop Suey, Prison Song and Sugar

Basically canon, but he has severe depression. Definitely suicide attempts. Maybe getting institutionalized if Dipper and Mabel's guide is any indication

It also persists his whole life. Even on the Stan O' War with Ford. He's not very educated on the whole mental health biz so he definitely leaves the meds on land thinking "Oh well i got what i wanted now". When Ford finds out he's turning that boat around in a heartbeat

His bond with Dipper is almost just as strong as with Mabel. Dipper is just very insecure about being coddled and seen as "inferior". So Stanley opts to be cold and harsh with him to try and make Dipper feel independent and grown-up

Also i feel like Stanley sees a bit of himself in Dipper. Ready to sacrifice everything for his dumb sibling, having this inherent feeling of inferiority and has a hard time trusting people

I feel like he was involved in some drug-dealing business

A common one, but he kept in touch with their mother from time to time. That's how he got Ford's number

Continuing with the previous, but Stanley had a very meaningful bond with Caryn. Maybe she was one of the only people who genuinely saw good in him. Assuming she passes away while he's still posing as Ford he definitely attends her funeral. Just to say thank you and apologize. Apologize for making her suffer so much because of his, he thinks, selfish actions

Soos knows much more than he lets on. Stan told him about as much of his life as he could, or Soos found out himself. Soos is just too loyal to tell anyone, even when he sees that Stanley keeping secrets is backfiring horrendously

In turn, Stanley knows way too much about Soos. He rarely shows it, but when he does, it's "accidentally" shoplifting his favorite candy or "i had this old thing lying around" and it's the newest copy of a videogame Soos wanted badly. Soos never comments on it

I don't think he's a father figure to Wendy. More of a friend, really. The mature one in a friend group who loves to cause mischief but knows when to stop before anyone hurts themselves. Wendy can tell him things she'd never tell her real dad or family

If we're talking canon, then i hc him as aroace. But unlike Ford, he's the kind that desperately wants to feel romantic attraction, have a lifelong partner, get married, maybe even kids. He just never could, not even because of the circumstance, but because of his own brain chemistry. He accepts that part of himself when he and Ford set sail though. Who needs romance when you have your favorite person in the world right by your side?

He always had an interest in science/space. It just got suppressed by other people constantly telling him that he shouldn't like this thing, it's for smart people and not him. He also never really understood the hyper-academic wording in textbooks. But rebuilding the portal kind of reignited that spark. And now he gets into arguments with Ford over which solar system planet is superior and why

He also sometimes corrects Ford's mistakes. Think that Adventure Time moment where Finn is able to solve a problem because Bubblegum got too caught up in her genius

He's very touch-starved. And also loves physical intimacy, no matter how much he denies it. That's why he and Ford are often clinging to each other for absolutely no reason. Simple touches like hair ruffles and hands on shoulders and silent comfort that the other is here. I love these guys.

He has memory lapses. They're never going away but they do get easier to handle. But the fear of "What if this is the last time" never fades. That's why he keeps a personal diary addressed to himself. In case he never remembers again

Similarly, he goes through a bit of an identity crisis when he's erased. He's not the type to delve too deep into philosophical and pointless questions and yet something keeps telling him "Is he really Stanley if he can't remember his own name half the time"

I'm very passionate abt my autism headcanons... There's gonna be some Ford in these because you can't say "Autism headcanons in Gravity Falls" and not say "Stanford Pines"

He's autistic and has a special interest in boating. I hc him to definitely know how to build a whole vessel from scratch, remember the names of very specific things and constantly corrects Ford when he calls the galley a kitchen. When Ford complains he just cackles and says "This is how i felt growing up with you, suck it up for once"

Also boxing

Stan and Ford don't even talk to each other half the time on the Stan O' War. They will sit on the dock and stare into the distance like "Did you know that while hotter stars usually have bluish colors, blue flame on earth isn't nessesarily hotter than regular one?" "A ship and a boat's difference lies solely in their weight. A boat is a vessel that weighs under 500 tones and a ship weighs more than that obviously" and neither register what the other have said

Stanley is very invested in social behavior. Ford on the other hand is the complete opposite. This leads to Stanley reading other people better than any neurotypical does and Ford to have no social perception skills whatsoever

Stan never gets a diagnosis. I feel like Ford does. Eventually. Or in his 20s. Ford never talks to Stan about how they're literally two sides of the same coin. He just lets him feel safe and figure everything out on his own terms. Stan knows but never mentions it either

They also find unique ways to deal with their mutual issues. Offering a cup of coffee as a way of saying "I'm sorry", a lighthearted punch to the shoulder as a way of saying "It's ok, i forgive you". Neither are good with communicating, and especially hearing the other out but who cares. They're both old and mentally ill and neurodivergent

#suicide tw #i know my hcs are really mild #but they mean. so much to me #i'm a big canon appreciator so i try to stay within the appropriate setting #i swear if no one reads this i will cry #maybe a pt 2 later if i remember more #stanley pines #stan pines #headcanons

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 11 months

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Hi i just need to put this into words and possibly get an outside perspective that isnt from my friends and such

I dont know if i can call what i went through as a teen neglect.

This is pretty long sorry, just skip to the end if necessary

TW: Alcoholism, Neglect? Sorry if i missed anything

To explain fully, i was taken out of school in 7th grade due to mental health issues and one very abusive and ableist teacher. That left me alone at home for 80% of the week, which was fine i had plenty of food and such to eat and i preferred being alone to recover from everything. I never went back even once i was "recovered"

But then when i was about 16, my mother's mental took a nosedive. She started having hospital level panic attacks. It wasnt that bad at first, cuz despite everything i still atleast had food and such for when she had to spent a day or maybe two at the hospital, which was rare. I could survive on my own with the limited help i got.

It sucked, my quality of life went from "meh could be better" to "okay uh we're surviving in decent comfort atleast?" In the span of a few months. But it wasnt the worse

Then the new year rolled over and it became worse. My mother took up drinking to cope and that spiralled fast

To the point her hospital visits became weekly almost daily, my life went from "okay i can life like this but i rather not" to "haha, im gonna end up in the hospital too-" in less then a month

I basically lived with my grandmother for a month and, she barely had any food there because they always went out to eat, food wasnt allow upstairs unless you were sick, beds felt worse then wood floors, and she didnt respect my issues

I was pushed aside, i didnt eat more then a mini bag of chips most nights because the only things to eat where expired, take out from places i didnt like, or things i literally cant eat either cuz textures or allergies.

When everything went back to almost normal, there was barely any food at home, i slept in my mother's closet because my old stalker tried breaking into my room while we were gone (also bugs overtook my room because the window was jammed for the rest of the time before we came home because of that) and my mother didnt want us to share her huge bed because i apparently violently slapped and kicked her awake till 3am when we tried (i didnt go to bed till 5am the one week when we tried, and she always woke up at 6am for her meds and such especially during this also we both slept on the very edges)

My mother would sleep all day, only waking up to take her meds and eat and stuff.

Dinner went from a "happens most of the week" thing to "you'll be luckly if you found a warm thing to make and eat"

Basically, i kinda starved often till things calmed down later in the year. I think a broke college student ate and slept better then me that year.

When i was 18 it happened again but i had a job so it wasnt as bad.

I dont blame her for like 40% of that hell, her and my father where going through the 5th messiest divorce of our closeish family has witnessed (tho it was actually kinda tame compared to the top 4 so idk the actual severity), and her mental health was already on decline for reasons that are not mine to tell

But like can i call what happened neglect?? It sounds like it but idk i actually can call it that.

Like yeah i starved most of my time as a 17 year old, slept in a cramped closet during said time, developed back issues cuz of that, was barely able to care for myself due to depression, was subjected to to smell of weed and the smoke from it often despite the fact it makes me extremely sick, was very suicidal, was told i was a burden and was making the situation worse cuz im autistic and was basically the new family afterthought

But like, does it really qualify as neglect and can i call it that if it is? Most adults i talked to at the time, even my old therapist said no because i was "17 and should already know how to care for myself on my own. And shouldnt take the words said in a probably drunken state to heart" but like there no way i could care for myself?? Atleast not without taking less then ideal options. Also that doesnt excuse the extremely hateful things yelled at me???

So im really conflicted here, was it neglect or am i just being overdramatic??? Every therapist ive been able to go to says im just being dramatic but my friends says im not so ????

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You can most certainly call these experiences neglect if that is a term you would like to use.

Neglect by definition is to fail to care for properly, and by legal definition it's "the failure of a parent or other person with responsibility, for the child to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to." Not only were you not provided sufficient food, but it seems likely that your emotional needs may not have been taken care of either, with an unavailable mother and a disrespectful grandmother. It also sounds like you were not given adequate shelter and medical care, considering where you slept, the bug infestation, and how that affected your development. So yes, in many ways, your experience aligns with neglect.

I think it's important to remember that it's common for trauma survivors to feel like they're being dramatic when they validate the severity of their trauma, and that it makes sense to be in some level of disbelief that it's worse than you initially thought. Please know that you are valid as a trauma survivor, and remember to be patient and gentile with yourself as you explore what this means for you.

Ultimately, it may be helpful to work with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist, especially one who specialized in trauma, can mediate your healing journey and help you find ways to make sense of, process, and cope with your experiences.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw neglect #trauma details #tw substance abuse

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barrenwomb · 2 years

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hii i don’t know if you’ve talked about this before but how did you realize you wanted to be a nurse? I’m kinda struggling trying to understand what i want to do with my life so it’s nice to see people who have already figured it out :)

hi! my mom is chronically ill and has been severely sick throughout all my adolescence. i spent many, many times at the hospital to keep her company during the night. i always helped her with meds and at some point i even learned how to handle a PICC catheter and what types of products were needed to prevent bedsores. i’d lie if i said i always wanted to be a nurse. i definitely didn’t. i tried the entrance test for nursing school at age 21, while i was dealing with severe depression and i had no idea what to do with my life. somehow i made it in. there hasn’t been a moment during all these years of university when i didn’t question my choice. im not strong enough and im easily overwhelmed, that’s what i thought. there way a voice inside my head telling me there was no way i could work under severe pressure. during the apprenticeship i cried so many times due to stress. i came back home feeling completely defeated and sad. i felt like a failure. then i graduated. i started job hunting as soon as i got home after graduation. i was terrified. look at me now, i’m officially a nurse! and i’m glad i made this choice. im stronger and smarter and braver than i thought. being a nurse is incredibly hard. being overworked or tired and making mistakes means you could potentially harm someone or putting their life at risk. you get to witness humanity in all its fragility. you have so many people completely relying on you. don’t be a nurse if you’re not willing to embrace people of all kinds without any kind of prejudice or ackwardness: disabled people, mentally ill people, addicts, old people, severely sick people, terminally ill people. people who are often marginalized and live in a society that’s not built for them. you’ll see blood, body humors, terrible wounds, you’ll see people breaking down and wanting to give up, you’ll be there for them during their most intimate moments. you have to give these people the emotional support they need, you have to be reassuring, you need to hold their hand when they need it the most. you have to be kind and patient, always. you have so many responsibilities and always need to be ready to handle emergencies. you’ll have to work 6, 8, 10 hours a day. you can’t afford to lower your guard or get distracted. you literally have to save lives. it’s not an easy job and it’s definitely not for everyone, but believe when i say it can be incredibly rewarding. when a patient looks at you in the eyes and says “thank you” or when they trust you enough to vent about their problems to you or when they say “i will never forget you” once they get discharged — it makes my heart burst with happiness. if you want to be a nurse ask yourself “what kind of person would i want to help me while i’m at my lowest?” and become that person. hope you’ll find your path! xoxo

#honestly i’m a nurse and i live in italy and nurses here are overworked and underpaid and our healthcare system is a mess #and this is why i’m always stressed and but burnout #bit*#ask #anon

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poetic-beats · 2 years

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Feeling very eh idk guess my brain just hates me right now so thats fun….hopefully I’ll be getting an appointment soon with my psych and care co-ordinator or w/e at the new mental health team I’m currently under cos I moved out of area for my old one. So far the new CMHT seems pretty good they’ve said they are going to set in motion a lot of things but now I’m just left waiting to see when that’ll happen. I know some of it is gonna be a long wait list like for therapy but hopefully I’ll be given a psychiatrist and an appointment date set soon they said they were going to refer me for a diagnostic something or other appointment as some of my symptoms sounded like it could be trauma related and potentially ptsd/CPTSD symptoms so and they’re going to do an assessment into my anxiety too so they can get a better idea of how to treat it I suppose. Especially as my old psych never really asked me too many questions about it and never like identified what kind of anxiety disorder I have besides acknowledging my struggles with social stuff and panic attacks he wasn’t all that interested and just said yeah sounds like an anxiety disorder and gave me some meds for my panic attacks which didn’t work and then moved me onto x meds which havent been great so before I did move prescribed me a different drug that I’ve yet to start it tbh as I kinda want a set of fresh eyes to look over everything and re-evaluate my meds before going ahead as he was rather questionable on some things and Im just not 100 on his decisions as some contradicted my very first psych who I saw for yrs before he retired who I did trust. So I’m just a little iffy about it especially because he had a habit of not even listening to me when I was talking about side effects I had or issues and so im just very like not entirely confident in some things.

Anyways so yeah that’s my little life update I guess - things are kinda up in the air I have good days and I have bad days I was doing pretty good up until like maybe two or three days ago so I’m hoping I can break out of this idk I dont wanna call it depression I dont think its like super severe enough to be that but its definitely a low mood with some anxiety sprinkled in right now, but yeah hopefully I can get out of this low mood soon hopefully its not a sign of a relapse into a longer mood shift or something that is going to downward spiral me into a bpd depression which would be a lot worse I don’t want to have a full on bpd depressed breakdown so I’m trying to keep myself occupied. My cute little cat helps hes adorable and he is one of those cats who always wants to be held and I love that because its perfect for me I love that I’ve got a cat I can pick up and hold and give all the attention too. He’s definitely the cutest thing ever.

#erin talks #not poetry #life update I guess #mental health stuff #erin rambles

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that-one-gay-hufflepuff · 5 months

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Hi! 👋🏻 I’m @that-one-gay-hufflepuff

My side blog with things that stick out to me is @cool-shit-20079

Things I like:

HAZBIN HOTEL I NEEEED SEASON 2 (and Helluva Boss)

Star Trek (so far I’ve seen og. series and the movies for those, tng, and I’m starting ds9)

Star Wars (love it but haven’t watched in a while, seen all (and I mean all) up to when Asohka came out minus the 2ds and kids shows)

STARKID (AVPM, Hachetfield Universe but haven’t seen nightmare time, currently obsessed with NPMD)

Ride the Cyclone

Some Will Wood Music (I/Me/Myself, Memento Mori, and 2econd 2ight 2eer)

Many musicals including Heathers (movie and musical), Rocky Horror (Picture) Show, Reefer Madness, Avenue Q

Harry Potter (duh) but I dont support JKR or buying anything that profits or benefits her

Riordan-verse but mostly MCGA (Alex✨)

Super-Powereds Series by Drew Hayes (plus Corpies)

GOOD OMENS (book and tv show)

Heartstoppers (graphic novels and tv show)

Stranger Things

The Martian by Andy Weir

The Uninvited (small band)

DND/TTRPG/Worldbuilding

THE ALPHABET MAFIA

Plants :)

Cool Random Facts

Shitposting

Art (especially queer art)

Skulls :))))

Shortened version of things ab me:

Im neurodivergent

Bc of that I may be weird in response to social interaction

I use they/he and fall under many lgbt categories

Using tw/cw is very important to me, feel free to tell me if I forgot

No politics unless people must be warned

I may share my art, writing, or dnd stuff :)

Things ab me:

I’m nuerospicy (neurodivergent) and I have been diagnosed w/ adhd, social anxiety, persistent depressive disorder, and sensory processing disorder. I’m waiting to get a referral for an autism screening (is that the right word?) and currently am balancing meds. Edit: I HAVE THE TISM✨

Bc of social awkwardness I may be weird if I get called out/talked to but still feel free to comment bc it makes my day :D

I use they/he pronouns, Im panromantic bisexual and polyamorous but may be questioning toward sapphic, also still questioning my gender but am probably at least trans (somewhere under the trans masc/nb umbrella) demiboy (partially but not totally male-aligned/adjancent) and somewhere on the queer spectrum. I also have a lovely gf (she/her), and a platonic bf (he/him) :). No real segway but we are t4t4t :3. (fyi our relationship is closed rn so plz dont)

I try to put tw/cw on things but if I dont feel free to reblog with the correct tag (general tw for my blog: cursing, possible slurs but only if I fall under them, ex. f*g, f*ggot, tr*nny, qu*er, d*ke, etc.)

I try to not involve politics on my blog at any cost unless people are in immediate and severe danger and must be warned so please tag things 🙏

I’m also into writing, art, and dnd so I may share :)

Ships :))))))):

Hazbin/Helluva- favorite-huskerdust/angelhusk, not really a ship but aroace/demiace alastor hc, Octavia x Luna, kind of qpr radioapple? Idk-

Star Trek- favorite-daforge, garashir, quodo

HP-(forget the name but serious x remus)

Riordanverse- favorite-blitzstone

rtc-nicha, multiple versions of richie x jane/penny including mtf Savannah hdcs

INEFFABLE HUSBANDS/WIVES/PARTNERS NEED I SAY MORE

DNI:

misogynists

TERFs

homophobes

transphobes

racists

ableist

pro-lifers

NSFW

etc.

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wizardofgaysex · 1 year

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vent post, ignore

my life has been crashing tf down around me and I just feel like my best friends are excluding me because of it. for the last several months I've been falling back into a really bad depression and it's been harder and harder for me to be social. these people know I pull away and that with time I'll come back but this time I feel like they want me to leave for good. like I pulled into myself one to many times with them and now I've ruined our friendship forever because of it.

so I've been pulling away. and I've been doing the weekly hangout less and less. it's also because I got a job where I work mornings so I can be with them and they all became nightowls. I didn't even realized it happened until one of them got mad at me for going to bed at 9 (I wake up at 5 for my job). and it sucks because they know I struggle with insomnia so it feels bad they punished me for trying to be healthy

but sometimes I do make it to the hangout and I have to leave because they say shit that is going to make me burst out in tears. I can't cry in front of other people so I just straight up have to leave so I can sob my eyes out. and I know they think it's nothing but I've asked them over and over "don't make fun of me for things I like" and it's not because the things I like is lame (they r) or that they don't like it but it's being made fun of for liking it. I just hear every thing that my parents use to say to me growing up and I become the defensive person I had to be when I was 16. it's not "we don't like this" that gets to me but the "your stupid for liking this" "you're boring for liking this" "you're cringe for liking this" that gets to me

it all really came to a head a few weeks ago. before one of the weekly hangouts I got my car broken into, all my shit stolen (including my meds that I need to survive), and then almost lost my job on the same day. I started self harming again too. I never thought I would be that person again but I caved and started the scratching again. it was a terrible morning but my boys were doing a hangout and I hadn't seen them in a while so I got intoxicated and joined. and they were really really mean. they were talking shit about how I'm stupid before I joined and then when I did they talked shit about me to my face. so I left and joined some other friends.

and those friends saw me with the scabs on my face and were like holy shit, what's wrong? and maybe I am fucking stupid because I had to have people explain to me why I shouldn't be treated like that essentially after the day I just had. and they forced me to leave my friend group because if I'm treated like that when I had a day like that then why would they ever treat me with kindness when I'm doing okay?

but im a fucking chump and I decided to rejoin that friend group and I'm still treated like crap. I'm trying so fucking hard to be social even though all I want to do is sob my fycking eyes out every day and it's still like "well, you should never join us again. go talk to other people" but I want to talk to them :( they're my best friends :(((( I love them and I think they r cool but I'm just too fucking sad to be their friends anymore and it hurts a lot.

like Wednesday I was in a good moofld for once and I wanted to hang out and I was told to go fuck myself. "go hang out with ur marvel friends" from the guy who already said he was busy that day and couldn't join. and it sucked because I love him. I really do. like it was too bad to not be able to hang out with him when I was able to but it happens. but then he said I can't hang out with our friends without him :( and then today, for the Friday hang out, I was like "what are we doing?" and he said a movie thing I don't like. that's fine! everyone else likes it and I don't care. they know I don't like it but I've never been like "you can't do that" so I was like, oh well. and he was like

hold on I'll just post it

I don't like 80s horror because it's misogynistic. but like what's his deal? he doesn't like pokemon or superheros??????? I'm allowed to simply not like everything he doesn't like

and then I tried to talk to him about why he got really hostile for no reason and he told me to fuck off. and it's okay, he had a hard day (I also had a hard day so I get it) but when I was like "can we talk about this at some point?" he left me on read and said he doesn't want to spend time with anyone (before he was like "Well........ does anyone with good taste want to join???) and like

bro it sucks. my friendship with these people is probably over. earlier this elyear they were my best friends in the whole world and I've been rejected because I'm sad

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writersblock0625 · 1 year

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So in light of MIN YUNKI & his sneaky announcements…over the weekend my older sister dropped hella job applications in our text thread…as most know I was laid off from my primary income July 2022 & have been working at a retail assist manager. I went from $18 to $14 & with retail you’re only working if you meet your stores planned sales mark for the day/week…anyways I was SUPER drained from my primary working in medical claims, constantly being told that this needed to be done & can you help them & have you gotten to your report & did you get the subpoenas faxed…im leading this somewhere stay with me (also documentation for when I speak to my therapist) for several months I had no desire to do ANYTHING. I was done trying to improve, I was done putting in hella effort & to only be let go after all my hard work & dedication…my meds ran out (anti depression & anxiety) & my psychiatrist wasn’t renewing my RX when the pharmacy called…winter season set in & everything was getting worse…I couldn’t find the motivation to do ANYTHING…it reminded me of when my father had passed & I was just null to everything…I needed work soon so I applied to some things & eventually got hired on….stay with me…when my sister texted me all these jobs I felt like a burden…not so much to her but to myself…anyways I had something click in me, much like it did when I started looking for work after my dad had passed. To just suppress whatever is going on & kick it into high gear going forward & never look back…& that’s where I’m at…I feeling something dissolving & I can’t really put my finger on it….

#writersblock0625 #writersblock0625 therapy notes

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eeveelotions · 1 year

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a life update

cw/tw, pet death mention, depression, suicidal thoughts, toxic home relationship

so. I've kinda dropped off since the new year. been meaning to update you guys (gender neutral) but, well. it's been hard. so let me give you a summary of the first twelve days of 2023 for me

-girldriend broke up with me

-my own words caused a best friend to stop being friends with me. it's my fault. maybe if I apologized and begged, I could fix it.

-two weeks ago, on a Monday, the day classes for school started, I took my cat and emotional Support animal, Alfred, to the vet in-between classes

-alfred already had hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and kidney disease, and was on approximately three meds (two pills and a packrt of gel stuff for his kidneys)

-at the vet, they determined he has pancreatitis, hip and back arthritis (which is why he sits and walks weird), and one of his few remaining teeth is starting to go bad

-pancreatitis, I could handle. another pill, no problem, it's fine

-but the arthritis. he's in pain, and has been for I don't know how long.

-the only pain medicine is a shot they give him, which is 75 dollars once a month, not including the price of his other medications, wet cat food from lack of teeth, and check ups

-so, I. I made the decision, and I'm putting him down March 14th. its spring break, a Tuesday, so I can spend one full day with him, and not miss work or school while grieving

-we went back and forth for about an hour before I blew up, saying I was managing it, I was going to keep him comfortable while I processed it, then went to class

-went home, told my mom. she yelled at me, said I was being selfish for keeping him alive for so long. made me feel guilty for considering cremation, I wasn't being fair to Alfred

-two days of peace while my uncle was visiting

-thursday morning before class. I came downstairs, we talked, normal. then she said that it seemed like I cared more about my cat dying than when my grandma, her mother passed in 2021.

-for context, I was close with my grandmother. I visited her once or twice a month for almost a year prior to her passing, and it was incredibly hard on me. I took the whole week leading up to the funeral off of work.

-i guess my mom didn't remember, because she had the AUDACITY to tell me I didn't take a grieving period for my grandma, then she got upset when I said "how dare you"

-then I went off to class, and texted a friend whom had offered to let me move in with their family in the past, if the offer was still on the table and how it would work.

-ive lived here for two weeks now. it's a longer commute to and from work and school, but I havent been yelled at in two weeks as of tomorrow

-prior to 2023, I lost two cats in 2022. Family cat Smokey in August, baby 2yo kitten Princess in October.

-march 14th, the day I'm putting and have scheduled to put Alfred down, is eight days before my birthday.

-i still have class and homework. I have a comm I need to finish, and the person has been so understanding, but I feel awful

-i can't write. I've tried. gods, I've tried. I'm adding small tidbits onto current drafts, but it's so hard. I can't handle angst at all, and that puts several projects on hiatus

-im crying every few days because it hits me that my best friend, my constant companion, will be gone in less than two months

-Alfred is 12ish, I've had him for four years. five in August, but he. won't be here then.

-he was a rescue, so I don't know his true age. everyone, vet included, thinks he may be older.

-vet said nobody would judge me for my decision, and based on Alfred's medical condition and chart, I wasn't making a wrong one

-ive never had to put a cat, or any pet, down before. never had to make the decision myself.

-ive struggled with suicidal thoughts and major anxiety the past few weeks. I'm trying my hbest, but.

-im tired.

tldr: my life is going to hell and will be hell well into the year, and I'm sorry about the sudden halt of fics and posting. I'll try to write what I can when I can, but. no promises, unfortunately

if you got this far, thanks. I appreciate it.

#personal #vent #eeveelotions #dont reblog #pet death mention #suicidal thoughts #abuse #sorry

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acollectionofpotentialdrawings · 2 years

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I have to write, it helps. I feel scared, i feel an immense and heavy weight over the world and im shaking and my heart is vibrating. It’s been vibrating for weeks now. The nurses said it was a resting 138 bmp sometimes when I was in the hospital, it feels like that again. Several times it was between 101-112, I just need to drink tea and stay grounded and focus on my breath. I feel dizzy and anxious. I took a shot of tequila with Cordelia and had a beer and then after she left I vomited, dry heaving for minutes.

Tamara, my hospital roommate, just called to check in on me. We were the two most lucid patients in the ward and I had a lovely time talking with her, we might go rock climbing together sometime when she gets back out “into the real world.” Psych wards are awful. You have no autonomy and nurses treat you with irritability when you ask for advil or a towel so you can fucking shower in maybe hot water where you have to press a button every 15 seconds for water. Patients are manic or depressed or psychotic and yet treat each other with more kindness than staff. The most important thing I did while I was there was encouraging/convincing my first roommate to start a low dose of risperdol. She won’t leave unless she starts to be med compliant. On the first night I met her she held her hand out to me, crying, and said “I promise it wasn’t meant to be this way. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. It wasn’t meant to be this way.” I held her hand tightly, looking at her eyes and assuring her it would be ok. Another patient, an absolutely manic young African woman who went around talking in bizarre accents or singing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah in the hallways, gave me a jumbled poem that made me cry. She asked me what I thought of it later and I said it made me cry. “No. No it didn’t,” she said. “You’re lying.” “It did. The part where money doesn’t matter and only expression matters and that I’ve been on the hard road.” “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

I also got along well with the most aggressive man on the ward, most of the men hated him and were always yelling to staff about him, threatening to jump him, but we exchanged maybe one silly little joke a day and his laugh was wonderful to hear. He got body slammed by security after trying to attack another patient. He told me to stay focused when I was gathering my bags to leave. I will.

Im going to have a 5 minute conversation with my class about mental health on Wednesday, I want to honestly explain why I canceled class last week. I know several of my students are on the spectrum/have ADHD/depression because they’ve told me after class sometimes as they hang out with me to put away easels/drawing boards, and college is a time when many mental health issues pop up, and I want to emphasize the important of prioritizing health over grades/asking for help. I won’t tell them the details, or my diagnoses, but I will tell them I was in the hospital.

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