#how is it that the only person who really got what sylvia plath was on about was an oxford don
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Just on the topic of radical feminism— (heads up that there's some transphobic stuff discussed below, although not in much detail)
I think it's worthwhile to acknowledge that radical feminism did have its era. I know we deride it a lot online now and we have some good reasons for that. And I also do think it isn't really the right tool for approaching the evolving gender landscape of modern life. Radical feminism views all oppression of women as a result of gender relations between men and women (who are binary opposites) specifically. Today, a lot of highly educated people who think deeply about sex and gender have stopped treating gender as, like, "these are the unalterable facts about our bodies and they have a specific, inalienable social and biological meaning," which makes radical feminism just kind of... less useful to us. A school of thought that wants gender as an entire concept to be dismembered and served up on the good silverware can't really make use of a framework that's grounded in gender binary.
But I still think it's worth knowing about radical feminism.
I just think we kind of need to understand where we as feminists have been if we want to understand why we're here. Radical feminism did, in fact, have its era. Once you start thinking about it in its context, it's absolutely no coincidence that it emerged as a force in a froth of rage during the post-war years in the west—when the menfolk came back from war and the women were so condescendingly ushered right back into the home. It's worth reading your Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin and Carol Hanisch (and, yeah, even the most loudly hostile transphobes like Sheila Jeffreys or the off-the-wall spite of Valerie Solanas, yes, sorry), and it's worth thinking about the absolute rage that informs, well, pretty much anything Sylvia Plath wrote (although I don't think she'd ever have called herself a radical feminist, if she'd lived that long—she's furious about the same things, though). All that stuff from the 50s (or late 40s, if we count de Beauvoir's The Second Sex) and 60s and 80s is useful and educational, if the people around you read you as a woman when you walk around on the street. It's worth reading and knowing where words like 'patriarchy,' and phrases like 'male supremacy,' and 'the personal is political,' are coming from.
And, anyway, reading something doesn't mean you should treat it as an authority. Obviously I don't think you should read Jeffreys and come away agreeing with her that "sex reassignment is mutilation," because I personally think that's incorrect (because... see my point above about dismembering gender). But maybe you shouldn't take my, or anyone else's, word for it? Maybe you should read and find out how she arrives at that idea and figure out what you think about that? If you come away thinking she's wrong, you'll be able to explain to yourself, clearly and with high quality critical thinking, exactly why. And if you read a bunch of radical feminist stuff and come out going "all this was a massive distraction from a more significant axis of oppression—which affects all women anyway—which is CLASS," or something, that's a reasonable criticism that you can probably support. I know people who think that, too.
I guess I just sincerely believe that we really only get to know one little tiny bit of reality from one single point of view at a time. So each new piece of information can form part of the lens through which to view reality. And to me it's just so much more useful to understand radical feminism as a deeply necessary, if now outdated, era of feminist thought than it is to howl "RADFEM RHETORIC," and not actually know what you mean by that.
Anyway if you got to the end of this and you're like, "yeah, maybe I should read more historically significant theories, but I simply lack the will and energy," then. Understandable. Have a nice day. LOL.
#tozette.txt#feminism#i haven't expressed this super clearly sry#maybe I will edit it to be clearer later#I'm just thinking about how much I benefited from reading stuff like this in uni#even though I don't actually agree with that much of it as an older adult
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The Forgotten Victims of Booktok
(AKA, How Booktok can actually discourage women from reading, and how we can encourage them)
The big thing on booktok is smut. People will even say ‘what’s the point if it doesn’t have smut?’ or ‘where’s the spice??’. This makes me really sad, as a writer and a reader. I know many books about love and relationships that have little to no shagging and are fantastic and moving, and I’m not even a romance reader! But of course, they don’t fit tiktok’s fast paced mindless scroll. Now some people on booktok only read for the aesthetic of reading, or only care about the sex and that’s it, and those aren’t the people I’m talking about. Many people don’t realise that there are forgotten victims of Booktok. Young women and girls who were taught that books have this imaginary intelligence quota, that books are boring, and find solace in these repackaged fanfics with different character names.
But here’s the thing…you can’t blame them.
We have to remember that these women are basically reading books for fun for the first time (or at least since they were young). And when you look up ‘books’ on the internet, what do you get? Booktok favourites, smutty romances, cheap-feeling crime fiction. These young girls who could fall in love with Sylvia Plath or Isaac Asimov, or Harlan Ellison or Ursula K. le Guin, or even people like Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, don’t have the chance because - how the hell are they going to know they exist?? We know they exist, because we love reading! We love the community of reading, talking about reading, sharing our favourite stories. But Booktok doesn’t talk about books the way we do. We talk about character arcs and relationships, parts we found good or bad. Booktok talks about the covers and the tropes, the way that fan fiction does. And when you make something into a trope, it loses all the parts that made it special. And I’m not sure what kind of tropes The Colour of Magic fits into.
Also, a lot of these girls never had experience with fandom before now, ergo why they don’t immediately see the ‘fanficy’ nature of these books, and why the communities surrounding them can become so toxic. They’ve never HAD a fan community before. So all the unspoken rules of fandom aren’t in place, leading to a toxic environment. They’ve built up this ‘booktok’ space to the point where they don’t realise other communities exist. So what do you do when women and girls feel like they’re excluded from a hobby or a larger community?
You make them feel welcome! And you show them that something that should be fun, shouldn’t feel intimidating, and that there’s more to books than what greedy publishers want to spoonfeed them. And how do we do that? Well I’ve made a tiny list of things below of books that can maybe get a booktok reader onto stuff that they’d enjoy, but don’t know how to put into words. Please add onto this yourself if you want! We want to break down the gates and make reading and literacy open for everyone! And remember, these recommendations aren’t just for booktok people, they’re for everyone who never really felt ‘allowed’ to read.
-First of all, if you’re a romantasy reader, I can’t stress enough how much you’d like Stardust by Neil Gaiman. It’s still got a bit of romance, and a tiny bit of sex, even if it’s more fantasy than romance, but I feel like the writing is accessible and incredibly engaging, especially for people who aren’t used to reading for fun. Another series to recommend is the Dragonlance series, this has more of the high fantasy thing going on, but I think the characters relationships and personalities would scratch a bit of that itch for people. And obviously Lord of the Rings, for very similar reasons. All these books are very accessible for people not used to reading for fun.
- You all know who I’m gonna say for paranormal romance. Anne Rice, the one and only!! Her character drama and relationships, her settings are so vivid you could chew on them, the battle of morality. I love her stuff to death, and if anyone’s going to get you into classic gothic literature, it’s her. Also, Dracula! It may be old and grey now, but Dracula is still very readable, with very modern feeling characters, and the settings and the action, agh they are amazing!
So yeah, love the players, hate the game, hate those who exploit the game, and hate those who convince the players that they can’t do any better.
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August Books
1. Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer
. . . 3/10. One of those points is purely for the insight on Rosalie and Jasper's backstories and the other two points is Alice Cullen. I detest the Twilight series so very much and the only thing keeping me going is Alice. I hate how Jacob was turned into. . . Whoever he is now. He's not the same Jacob from the first/second books. I didn't really like him then either, but did he have to be turned into such a creep? Bella was insufferable as always, as was Edward. Stan Alice, I love her and also we're the same height (4'10) and we love that.
2. The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner by Stephenie Meyer
2/10. Again, it's apart of Twilight. Also, why does my mother have everything Twilight related? Anyways, I felt this was unneeded and I wish we were given a book like this from Riley's point of view. I feel as if it would've been more interesting than a character who only said her name and then a few sentences (maybe a paragraph or two?) about how she didn't know stuff and then was killed. I think seeing Victoria's manipulation being done to Riley would've been much more interesting to read. However, this is not me saying "Oh please Mrs. Meyer, write more!" She very much so does not need to do that.
Note for books 3., 4., and 5.; I read them at the same time. It was a strange week of reading.
3. Chainsaw Man Buddy Stories by Tatsuki Fujimoto and Sakaku Hishikawa
7.5/10. Love me some chainsaw man. I miss Angel and Kobeni though, so I couldn't give it an 8. Other than that, it was well written and I tend to take issue with short stories branching off from mangas because a lot of the ones I read in the past seem to get the characters wrong in the. . . word-ification of them, but I have no such complaint here on that. Power was still Power-ing and Aki was the same exhausted single mother Hayakawa that he's always been.
4. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
9.7/10. I loved it from start to finish. Some bits were even relatable (don't worry, none of the. . . bad(? questionable?) bits). I liked experiencing the slow mental decline and then the very end were Esther seems to be doing better. It was a bit saddening to find out that Plath died not even a month after this book was published, but I do hope that whatever afterlife there may or may not be, that Sylvia Plath is proud of what she's done and how far this novel has come.
5. Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer
2/10. 2 points are for Jasper and Alice. I hated every minute of this. I honestly wish I had something nice to say other than "It had Alice Cullen and Jasper Hale" but alas, I can not. Okay the wedding seemed cute but other than that it was like your typical white teenage boy. No redeeming qualities. Carlisle and Esme were great as always, but I have mommy/daddy issues so sorry<3
6. Chainsaw Man Volumes 10 and 11
9/10, still upset about Angel's death (even though I read it months ago), bur at least Kobeni is alive and well (. . . As well as she can be). Also, Makima was great. Do I think she was a good person? No. Do I love her as a villain? Absolutely. However, I'll never forgive her (or Fujimoto) for Angel. Rip.
7. The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman
7/10. Rather slow paced, but a good solid plot. Unfortunately, I did clock Bogdin (or whatever his name was) as Tony's murderer. . . pretty much as soon as the murder happened, so reading the truth at the end didn't do much. Also, I assumed that Penny would've have something to do with one of the murders, considering you don't normally have a character like her and her husband, John, without them having some secret in their pasts. Overall pretty good though.
8. Death Note Volumes 11-12
8.5/10. Glad Light finally got what was coming to him. I hated that man. Misa deserved so much better (coughMEcough). Rip Matt and Mello though. Also, I don't care what other people think, I like Near more than L. Do I think Near was smarter than L? I'm not sure, however I do believe he used his resources much better than L did. Also to anyone who may be like "Oh, well, Mello was smarter than Near-" shush. I loved both of them, but I'm autistic so Near takes forst place for me. If Near has one fan, it is me. If he has no fans, I am dead.
9. Death Note Volume 13: How to Read
5/10. These sorts of books don't tend to interest me, however some content was good so it felt wrong to rate it anything under 5. That being said, I also couldn't rate it anything above 5 because. . . I don't know.
10. Death Note Short Stories
6/10. Near<3 I was happy. Overall entertaining, but ultimately nothing special in my opinion.
11. Death Note: Another Note The Los Angeles BB Murder Cases
7/10. The Death Note fan in me is tired of Death Note. I still enjoyed it, it was well written, the "L's a dom" part killed me. I think if I read it a few months ago it would've been rated higher, but alas.
12. Scott Pilgrim Comics (1-6)
6.5/10. Kim Pine, my love<3 snd wallace<3 really I have no commentary. It was Scott Pilgrim, that says it all. Love the art style though.
13. Blue Period Volumes 1-5
9/10. I started watching the anime while in school and it inspired me in a way I haven't been in a long time. Watching just one episode gave me the motivation to actually try with art again, and I think I'll always be grateful for it. I bought the first 5 manga and after reading them I've fallen in love again. Unfortunately, at the time of writing this, I'm about to go off to college as an English major, but who knows, maybe English will be miserable to me and I'll switch to art. Either way, this manga has helped me a lot. I also see a lot of myself in many of the characters, Yotasuke in particular. It could be that I'm autistic, however I relate to his whole "art is all I have" thing. Although I'm what many would label a "jack of all trades," I only have one thing that I'm really passionate about and that I consider "mine." It was nice seeing someone else like that and it not being shown in a (purely) negative way. Plus, if he can make friends then that means I have a chance at it too, which makes me feel better about moving away for college.
14. Bungou Stray Dogs Volumes 8-13
6/10. Didn't hate them, but my original love for them is steadily declining. I'm also just trying to get through all of my manga at this point. . . I crave a novel so bad but still have to get through Ouran High School Host Club. Huuh.
Update: I never got to OHSHC since I went off to college and didn't want to bring manga with. Ouran will be "books I read whenever I visit on weekend" books.
15. I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy
9/10. Do I need to even explain myself? Minus one point because at some points it was lowkey triggering for my. . . 3D, we'll say (don't worry, I'm okay and nothing happened), but it was so well written and just raw. Jennette is a talented writer in my opinion and I'm so sorry for everything she's gone through. She's much stronger than I am.
16. Notes from Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
7/10. Love me some Dostoyevsky. Anyways, I didn't hate it but I didn't exactly love it. Rating it under a 7 though makes me feel disloyal to my boy. Also, I finished this is in like 5 days. College is pretty easy right now (I say as literally an hour ago (around 5pm on August 31st) I was freaking out because I didn't know how to use the Canvas app).
#bookblr#reading#books#twilight#ecplise#stephenie meyer#chainsaw man#the thursday murder club#death note#scott pilgrim#scott pilgram vs the world#blue period#bungou stray dogs#im glad my mom died#jennette mccurdy#notes from underground#fyodor dostoevsky#the short second life of bree tanner
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What’s your way of navigating social medias nowadays? Obviously there’s pitfalls that can affect us negatively, so how do you use it more positively?
yeah so the only social media i've ever really had has been myspace, facebook, tumblr, and now twitter. youtube too if you wanna consider it social media (i used to use it like it was).
anyway...
tbh, i never really feel like i got affected negatively by it? i've never really related to other people's complaints. like i've known people who say they need to take a break from social media because it's harming their mental health and i just never understood. i mean, i could understand intellectually but i guess not empathetically since i've never felt that way.
if anything i'd say social media has deeply enriched my life. this could be because irl i am an extremely socially isolated hermit. so social media has helped me have a social life that i probably otherwise wouldn't have. but maybe people with richer irl social lives could find social media damaging?
i don't know. but for me social media has always been a neat way to meet friends, especially like-minded friends (which is importance since i have pretty niche interests/beliefs). but it's also been a cool way to connect to people from around the world who are very different from me. and it's help me explore new ideas and alternative perspectives while getting a chance to share my own with others. it's hard to find people i can debate irl. but on social media there is almost no end to it. and some sites, like tumblr and youtube and to an extent twitter, allow me to express myself creatively and share it with people i care about and offers the opportunity for collaboration. it's also helped me find love on a few occasions.
so i guess, like a lot of things, it's what you make of it. it depends on your personal attitudes/outlook on life, how you use social media, and how you curate your feed/dashboard. so while the "algorithms" might be able to shoulder a lot of blame i think there's a significant degree of personal responsibility that factors into it as well.
if you're a depressed and cynical doomer and you fill your dash/feed with miserable depressing shit then i wouldn't be surprised to find out it has a negative effect. but personally, for example, i've curated a really nice twitter feed. it's mostly art, philosophy, politics, history, poetry, religion. my feed is pleasant and interesting. yeah sometimes i see frustrating/depressing shit but i don't dwell on it or let it get to me. but again, this probably has a lot to do with an individual's disposition because i'm just not easily perturbed by things by my nature.
one common issue i see is people being upset by seeing other people posting stuff about them having fun. fomo and feeling like other people's life are better/more fun than your own and stuff like that. i don't think i've ever felt any of that at all. i mean, sometimes i do lament that i am probably missing out on things but i think that would be true regardless of social media. i mean, sylvia plath basically wrote about this feeling the bell jar like 60 years ago.
but going back to social media: i understand that these people are mostly posting the /best/ moments of their life and it's not really representative of their life in general, i appreciate the opportunity to see things that i probably wouldn't otherwise be seeing, i am happy to see other people being cheerful and enjoying life, and it gives me ideas for things i could do with my own life. but again, i'm just generally not a bitter or resentful or insecure person. i think people who are troubled by this sort of content need to work on themselves and their own self-esteem.
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What’s your favorite sandwich and where did you eat it? A grilled Swiss and pesto. I got it at a local restaurant.
What’s your favorite place on earth? I love the Japanese garden/park near me
What’s one place you've visited that you never want to return? Kentucky
What’s the best show on TV right now? On tv now.. I'd have to say One piece
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Potatoes 🥔
What’s the worst movie you ever saw? Bee Movie
What’s the best thing you've read in the last five years? Cursed Bunny
What’s the one item of clothing you couldn't live without? My favorite shirt
If you could only bring three things with you on a deserted island, what would you pick?
2 books and a lighter
If you could save one material thing from a fire, what would you save? My my kitties' ashes
What’s your biggest pet peeve? When people act entitled
What is your favorite movie of all time? terminator 2 or clueless
What is the best concert you have ever been to? Radiohead
What’s the worst date you've ever been on?
I was still broken up about my ex and while on the date, something reminded me of him (my ex) and I started c r y i n g. ���
Would you rather be hot or cold?
Cold. I hate being hot
What’s your favorite karaoke song?
Baby, one more time
What is on your bucket list?
Visit japan
What are you most thankful for?
My family
What is your biggest regret in life?
Drinking
What are you most afraid of?
Dying
What do you feel most passionate about?
Human rights
How do you like to spend your free time?
Playing a game or watching Netflix with my kitties and my partner
What would your perfect day be like?
Lots of drugs, live music, and sex. good food, good friends, and a bonfire
What does your dream life look like?
Married to my partner with a kid or 2 and a couple cats. I'd like to own a home and have stable income. I'd like to be able to travel a lot. I'd like to move away from the Midwest. Maybe somewhere overseas.
What is your favorite urban legend that you believe is true? If you hear an owl hooting, death will come soon (not necessarily for you but someone you know)
Would you rather live without the internet, or without bathing?shit bruh, I've got depression. I barely bathe now. Lol.I'd rather live without bathing.
What was the best decade for music?
Late 90s, early 2000s
Is it ever OK to lie?
Yeah, depending on the situation.
Who’s the most overrated celebrity?
Jack black. Dude, you're not funny. Just stop.
What’s the worst seat on a plane?
Anywhere that's not a window seat in the middle of the place.
What’s the most annoying thing people do in public? Exist
Are avocados overrated? They're eh, ok
Who’s your dream dinner party guest, living or dead? Sylvia plath
What would you do tomorrow if you won a million dollars today? Buy myself a house. Buy a house for my mom. Pay off all the debt collectors and people who've loaned me money.
Is a hot dog a sandwich?
No, are you kidding me?
Are you a dog person or a cat person and why? I'm a cat person because dogs are slobbery and gross and like to jump all over you. Ew. I love them but no.
Were Ross and Rachel really on a break?
Dude, I never watched that show and I never will.
Who is the most important person in your life and why? My partner or my mom. My partner is my best friend. He is the sweetest, funniest person and I feel safe with him. My mom is supportive of me and is one of my closest friends.
Who in your life most makes you feel a sense of home? My partner ❤️
Do you have a mentor? Nah
Have you ever broken up with a friend, and why?
Yes, because she was a raging bitch. She was mean and didn't accept me for I am and liked to put me down.
How many close friends is ideal?
Like 3
Do you believe in soulmates?
Yeah, I do
What is the best compliment that you’ve ever received? I like when people call me creative or compliment my sense of style.
What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? She was one bad bitch.
What is something people would never guess just by looking at you? I'm into some kinky shit.
What makes you laugh the most? My partner makes me laugh all the time.
Have you ever made a decision that changed your life? Dude, like lots.
What was the happiest day of your life?
Probably when I picked up the first Borderlands game with my partner. It had come out like the day after my bday and we both took a few days off to stay up late and play it and eat junk food. It was amazing ❤️
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
My sense of style probably
What did teachers used to say about you on your report card—and is it still true?
Depends on the year. From grade school to junior high, I was great. I was really good and really quiet and got excellent grades. Teachers all liked me and said I was really smart, quiet, and creative. In high school though, I was terrible. I skipped all the time to get high and would show up to class drunk or high. I did that til I decided to drop out. My teachers said I was smart and creative but disruptive, rarely attends class, and I needed to apply myself more. I don't drink anymore but I'd say the rest is still true.
What’s something you wish you could change about yourself? My weight
What’s the most exciting part of your job?
I'm currently unemployed 🙃
What would you want people to say about you at your retirement party? That I worked hard, did a great job, and everyone loved me.
What’s the most important thing you've ever done at work? Stayed with someone as they were dying.
What’s your ideal work-life balance?
Ideally I want to be my own boss and set my own hours.
What’s the best piece of career advice you ever got? Interviews aren't just about potential employers interviewing you. You are interviewing them as well.
What was something you thought was a career setback that actually turned out to be an opportunity?
I got nothing for this one 🤣
What are the most important qualities in a leader? Integrity and honesty
What was your first job?
Server/ hostess at Steak n shake
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February toughts on the books I have read
read
Sylvia Plath’s Journals
I did it and it only took me around two months to finish Sylvia Plath’s Journals. Tho some parts can be read as a fucking novel, because Plath put so much thought in what she wrote, it seemed that she picked every word with so much care. And this from an early age. Probably my favorite part were she reflected her life rather than noting down how she spent the day. I loved reading about how she feels about men, how unfair it is, but how she also tried to find her place by the right one. I liked reading later about her personal thoughts, with no filter on her struggles with finding a foot in the publishing industry. How she felt so high of her writing. These parts, besides others were so nice to read, I got soaked into the book. But I struggled with other parts as well. Reading about her trips was nice, but that’s all, it was just nice to read (and sometimes dragged on for too long). There were also phases were wrote in a note-ish way, it was hard for me to understand what she meant, because, well, it seemed more like notes to her so she wont forget. I mean some were still interesting: how she sketched out ideas, writing ideas, even parts of some writing exercises. But other notes were just lists with which I had no idea what they could be about. In all, I think this book was great. I could get some inside thought on how the brain of such an amazing writer worked with no filter. 4.5 stars.
The Southern Book Club's Guide to Slaying Vampires
This was an audiobook I have picked to listen to while knitting a west. A vampire and a mystery? I was hooked, specially since I am writing an essay on vampires and serial killers. NGL, even I listened to the audibook on more than two times speed, I could feel how parts dragged on. I get it that some scenes happened for the build up of the story, but I was so invested to find out if my theory was right. Because it couldn’t be the first person that I had in mid, right? Anyway, I ended up rating it 4 stars, sure it dragged on for some parts, but in all I really liked the story that focused mainly on Patricia, a housewife who gave up being a nurse to raise her two children while also keeping care of her mother in law. The Dracula version of Desperate housewives, hell yes !!
Kirmes im Kopf
Seldom there are any books about diverse topics such as ADHD in German. Sure, the might be translated ones, but barely any original ones with data that focuses on the country I live in. So when I have found out of Kirmes im Kopf I needed a copy. If you are a little into the topic of ADHD some things are no news to you: ADHD being more than a boy being hyperactive, duh. But the author gives you more information about ADHD and what it means. She lists and investigates facts, that I was surprised to read about. Reasons why women aren’t usually diagnosed with it, what it can lead to when someone isn’t diagnosed with ADHD and has to mask most of the time. Besides that she makes a great way on describing her own experience with ADHD and how it is represented in her every day life. At some parts it dragged on, why I couldn’t find any motivation to keep reading and had to put the book down for some days, but in all it is pretty informative and helpful. 4 stars.
currently reading
Das Buch der fehlenden Ankunft
I have always thought that poetry isn’t for me, but it just seemed that I haven’t picked the right authors. Back in December I read Women without Shame: Poems by Sandra Cisneros and now I’m reading Das Buch der fehlenden Ankunft by Lina Atfah. The author does such a great job on describing her life’s journey: leaving the war in Syria for a life in Germany.
dnf
A Demon’s Guide to Wooing a Witch
I enjoyed A Witch's Guide to Fake Dating a Demon sooo much, but I simply couldn’t get into the second part. Idk, maybe as an audiobook, but I read 50% and couldn’t care less for the characters.
#bookblr#personal#books#book review#February reads#mystery#non fiction#poems#a demons guide to wooing a witch#syliva plath
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Monday, July 30
To Dr. Ruth Beuscher:
I have been at a nadir, very grim, since my last letter to you. What, above all, does Ted think I am? His mother? A womb? What can I do to stop him seeing me as a puritanical warden?
Anyhow, Ted is on the rampage - writing letters and even radio broadcasts about the advantages of destruction, breaking one's life into bits every ten years, and damn the pieces.
I realize now he considered I might kill myself over this (as did the wife of someone we knew) and what he did was worth it to him. The real crux to me now is what do about the Other Woman business.
Am I an idiot to think that there is some purpose in being bodily faithful to the person you love? In riding through infatuations without always indulging yourself, if you know it hurts someone?
I mean, my pleasure in lovemaking is spoiled by thinking: is he comparing my hair to this one, my shape to that one, my talents to the other?
How can I have any self-respect? I hate the idea of living here in the country with the children & having Ted go off & sleep with various women & come back exhausted & refreshed to write, be fed, etc. It humiliates me. I simply can't laugh and blow smoke-rings.
He hates me to be tearful, but my god, the prospect of this makes me cry.
When I think he wants to follow every infatuation into bed, shall I just let him? This is what freedom, it seems, means to him.
He is handsome & fantastically virile & attractive. I am not beautiful. When I am happy, I can glow & burn, but what have I in this to make me happy?
I don't want to be sorrowful or bitter, men hate that, but what can I do in face of these prospects?
I at one point told him: I am saving you from ever getting mucked up with a wife & children again: you can have tarts & bastards, but if any other woman gets refrigerators & nappies in her eyes, you can say you have a really good old wife at home who is saving you to be free & not get stuck in the wallow of domesticity again.
And he does genuinely love us. He says now he dimly thought this would either kill me or make me, and I think it might make me. And him, too. I have been so hurt this week I feel like upchucking at the thought of his laying about with other women just this minute.
But I would like to be able to cope with this again, if it came up. If he needed to test his freedom, to test me.
I honestly don't ever, by cowardice, boringness, accusation, limitedness, ever want to give Ted the chance to think he should trade us in for a better family model. I have come to this country town because Ted said it was his dream - apples, fishing, peace, clean air, etc., etc.
I had wanted to stay in London, because I liked all the social life, movies, art exhibits & rush. Well now I love it here, & this is the first home I've had, very beautiful.
But I am damned if I want to sit here like a cow, milked by babies. I love my children, but want my own life. I want to write books, see people & travel. I want, eventually, to make over our separate cottage & hire a nanny.
So I've got to work hard. I refuse the role of passive, suffering wife. I think your advice about not having any more children for years a good one. I think I'd like a couple more someday, but only when I've got a nanny to free me.
I get a terrific sensual pleasure in being pregnant & nursing. But I must say, I get a terrific sensual pleasure in being light & slender & f***ing as well.
He says now he means travel, not tarts, but I feel naturally now the two go together.
What I don't want to be is an unf***ed wife. I get bitter then, & cross. And I feel wasted. And I don't just mean the token American what-is-it twice a week, front to front, 'thank you darling' either. It might simplify things if I could desire other men, but I need to admire them, too, & find them attractive, & there are very few of these, & I'm not likely to meet them in cow country.
-Sylvia Plath
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Eowyn
#eowyn#lotr#the lord of the rings#lord of the rings#liridi arts#how is it that the only person who really got what sylvia plath was on about was an oxford don
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Hey I was wondering if you knew the article that Justine spoke about suzi in?!
It was in The Guardian in 2000. Here you go:
Sweet revenge
In the mid 90s, Justine Frischmann and Damon Albarn were the First Couple of Britpop. Then he used a Blur album to rake over their break-up, while she languished in obscurity amid rumours of heroin addiction. Now she's back with a new album, and it's her turn to exorcise her demons.
Caroline Sullivan
Friday March 24, 2000
As Alison Moyet once said, it's hard to write a decent song when you're happy. Rock bands thrive on romantic turmoil in their private lives, without which they would be reduced to padding out lyrics with football scores and the weather.
Thus it was for Blur's Damon Albarn in mid-1998 when he sat down to write what would become the 13 album. His eight-year relationship with Justine Frischmann of the chart-topping Elastica, whom he once described as **"the only person who's ever been completely necessary to me" **had just ended, at her instigation. Pained and humiliated, he decided to exact revenge by exposing their most intimate details to public scrutiny.
The outcome? Embarrassment for Frischmann, a number one album for Blur and a bit of a result for Albarn.
Break-up albums are by definition both embittered and yearning - in the case of Marvin Gaye's vindictive Here, My Dear, they're just plain nasty - but 13 got more up-close and personal than could be considered gentlemanly. Albarn portrayed his former partner as neurotic, even slipping apparent drug references into the single Tender: "Tender is the ghost, the ghost I love the most/Hiding from the sun, waiting for the night to come". Frischmann was the ghost, supposedly, who was on the verge of being consumed by what one music paper euphemistically called "the darkness at the heart of Elastica".
Frischmann's response can be found on a song called The Way I Like It, which appears on Elastica's first album in five years, The Menace (out next month): "Well, I'm living all right and I'm doing okay/Had a lover who was made of sand, and the wind blew him away".
This is unlikely to be her last word on the subject. As she ambivalently begins her first round of interviews since 1996, she's finding that everyone has the same three questions. Why did Elastica nearly sabotage a promising career by taking so long to follow up their million-selling debut? Had Frischmann taken leave of her senses when she walked out on Mr Britpop? And what about the drug rumours?
"One journalist said to me, 'Dahling, I heard you were on heroin - Mahvelous!' " she says with some amusement. "Drugs are around, but I'm not that interested and never have been, although there have been elements of party animal in my band. The rumours are a lot to do with rock'n'roll mythology, where people want to believe you're having a more exciting time than you are."
The only drugs on her person today, as she perches on the edge of an armchair in her publicist's north London living room, are Marlboro Lights. Her other indulgences are two cups of herbal tea and a Cadbury's Flake cupcake, which she nibbles with well-bred pleasure. Her dark eyes are clear, and her long, tanned body is a testament to the virtues of a daily swim in a pool near her Notting Hill home. Only Elastica know whether they really succumbed to heroin and hedonism after their self-titled debut made them more famous than they'd ever expected to be, but if they did, Frischmann, 30, seems little the worse for it.
Given the current predominance of damnable boy bands, the Britpop mid-90s are beginning to seem like a halcyon period for English music. It was a time when the underground went overground, and a self-described "little punk band" like Elastica could sell 80,000 albums in a week.
More than a few loser guitar groups saw Britpop as a licence to print money, but Elastica, led with cool elan by the androgynous Frischmann, were one of its gems. The Blur connection was a marketing godsend (Frischmann and Albarn met on the London indie circuit, she as guitarist in an early line-up of Suede and girlfriend of frontman Brett Anderson, he as a cherubic baggy hopeful), yet the spiky-haired Elastica LP embodied that euphoric time like nothing else.
Frischmann, guitarist Donna Matthews, drummer Justin Welch and bassist Annie Holland were unprepared for the album soaring to number one in its first week. When they signed their record deal, Frischmann, whose great-grandfather was a conductor of the Tsar's orchestra at the Summer Palace in Byelorussia, was five years into an architecture degree at London University. A liberal north London Jewish upbringing - her engineer father built the Oxford Street landmark Centrepoint - had instilled expectations of success, but the reality of being photographed in the supermarket and having her rubbish stolen was a shock. Fiercely independent, she also resented her unsought role as half of Britpop's First Couple.
There was more. Two of Frischmann's musical heroes, The Stranglers and Wire, decided that two Elastica songs were suspiciously similar to two of their own tracks, and won royalties. Meanwhile, there were malicious rumours that Albarn had done much of the work on the record. He hadn't, but he did find Justine's success in America, where she was substantially out-selling Blur, hard to endure.
"It was very hard for him to deal with and he's very confrontational," she says, with the flattering openness of someone who prefers interviews to be more like conversations. She admits she often says too much, but in an era of image control and spin, her honesty makes her a one-off. Not that she's likely to land herself in it too badly - she possesses the intellectual ammunition to look after herself, which must have been instrumental in attracting two of rock's more articulate stars, Albarn and Anderson.
She's been accused of being a professional rock girlfriend, though it was probably they who were lucky to get her. She spent the cab ride over reading the Sylvia Plath letters in Monday's Guardian, and muses on the irony of the poet's subjugating herself to Ted Hughes when she was the more gifted. (Her new boyfriend, by the way, is an unknown photographer, "though that'll probably change, because men seem to get famous when I go out with them".)
"I reacted the way a lot of women do, by being passive," she continues. "He put a lot of pressure on me to give up Elastica. He said, 'You don't want to be in a band, you want to settle down and have kids.' " In so many words? "In so many words. He kept putting on pressure till I started to believe him." She adds bemusedly: "I've met his new girlfriend, and one of the first things she said was that he wanted her to give up travelling with her work to stay home with the baby [Missy, born last autumn]. I'm surprised he's got away with being thought of as a nice person for so long."
After 18 months, during which they did seven American and three Japanese tours, Elastica came off the road to record company demands for an immediate second album. Annie Holland's response was to quit the group, while Donna Matthews became renowned for hard partying on the nocturnal west London scene. They lethargically recorded some demos, but their heart wasn't in it. By 1997, when a second album should have been ready to go, Frischmann and Matthews were barely speaking, and there was nothing useable down on tape.
Holland's replacement, Sheila Chipperfield (of the circus Chipperfields), was deemed not good enough and left by mutual consent. By 1998, their continued lack of productivity was being likened to the Stone Roses' lengthy and ultimately self-destructive holiday between their first and second LPs.
"I didn't think Elastica were going to continue at that point, and we did kinda split up," she says, absently stroking her publicist's cat. Frischmann is a cat person; she's owned a tabby called Benjamin since she was 10. "Unconditional love," she coos. The pet's place in her life is so assured that prospective boyfriends are subjected to his feline scrutiny before she'll go out with them.
On top of everything else, in early 1998 her relationship with Albarn was in trouble. Frischmann retains enough of the indie ethic to detest the phenomenon of celebrity couples, and was dismayed when they became one. "I really hated the tabloid interest, and I went out of my way not to be photographed with him. Only about three pictures of us together exist, I think. In many ways, I think the media interest broke us up, because it made me feel the relationship was quite ugly, and I had to get away from it. There were other factors, too, obviously, because we were together for eight years, and I finally felt it was better the devil you didn't know, really."
Albarn's ego seems to have been severely undermined by having a girlfriend who was nearly as successful as he was, and something of a sex symbol to boot. Despite adopting a resolutely boyish T-shirt-and-jeans uniform, she's thoroughly feminine, a mix that got her voted fifth most fanciable woman in a lesbian magazine.
"I'm completely heterosexual, so I didn't know how to take that. It scares the shit out of me, the idea of being with a girl. I'm glad I've narrowed it down to half the people in the world."
She seems to view Albarn with indulgent exasperation these days, simultaneously praising his intelligence ("The Gallaghers just couldn't compete") and ticking off his flaws. "Damon adores being in the press, and sees all press as good press. He orchestrated that rivalry thing with Oasis. He really wanted kids, and I didn't feel our relationship was stable enough. He was a naughty boy, and he wasn't the right person to have kids with. I had this cathartic moment..."
At which point they split up. Albarn wrote 13 and then met Suzi Winstanley, an artist. "She was pregnant within three months," Justine observes wickedly.
Of the acclaimed 13, she's tactful, describing several songs as "really lovely". She studies her cigarette for a while before adding, "but I'm cynical about selling a record on the back of our relationship". But you're doing the same now. "It's true, but at the time I had no right of reply."
Elastica finally pulled themselves together last year, just as the music industry was about to write them off (their American label had already "very kindly let us go", as she puts it). Holland rejoined, Matthews went to Wales to sort out her life and the band banged out an EP and played the Reading Festival. Things came together quickly after that. They spent the last £10,000 of the recording budget on re-recording a dozen tracks, finishing the album, after years of procrastinating, in six weeks. They've called it The Menace "because that's what it was like to make".
It's dark and resolutely uncommercial - all wrong for 2000's pop-oriented climate. It's unlikely to match the success of the first one, which is fine with them. Call it (though Justine doesn't) their White Album. Its 70s punk aesthetic brings to mind angry girls such as the Slits and the Au Pairs, although the defining mood isn't anger so much as catharsis. None of the songs is specifically about Albarn, she claims. "The dark feeling is due to the sense of isolation, tasting success and getting frightened by it. I was questioning whether I wanted to be in a band any more, and there was no one I could ask for advice. Getting success and everything you ever dreamed about is hard to handle, and makes you question everything."
She's better prepared for success, if it comes again, this time. Already the privacy-preserving barriers are in place. The next interview of the day is with Time Out magazine, which wants a list of her favourite restaurants. "I'm not telling them where I eat," she says reflexively. "I'm gonna lie."
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FIC REC: poppies in october by tahtahfornow on AO3 (wolfstar, also jily, remadora, and remus/lily)
since stumbling upon it the other day I’ve run through so many options trying to find the best way to describe this fic (up to and including ‘favorite wolfstar fic ever’) - and the best one I’ve got so far is ‘my wolfstar ship manifesto (fic version)’
it’s a canon-compliant multi-era one-shot, written for the intention of accounting for canon, and it absolutely achieves that IMO. I’m not particularly big on caring about canon for the sake of it, but I do like things to Make Sense, and wolfstar has always 100% Made Sense as canon to me and I don’t foresee myself ever getting enough of that — which is the reason why canon-compliant is my favorite type of wolfstar fic to read (it’s not purely because i’m a masochistic angst monster)!
the characterizations are incredibly spot-on, not only for each individual character (sirius, james, lily, friend!peter (!!)), but also for each of them at their different ages/life stages: from kids/teens, into post-Hogwarts life and the first war, and, and and and. and. measured reflective remus, perfectly ineffable sirius. and how they change and stay the same.
the writing is just – wow. there’s literally everything, there's so much to cover across the eras and all of it is incredible. it’s plain and simple and funny, it’s beautiful and haunting and evocative, there’s softly falling in love, there’s exhilaratingly falling in love, reluctantly falling in love. there’s. struggling to stay in love. struggling against love.
there’s so much achy hurty disconnect, ‘we just keep talking past each other.’ and there’s—above all—a connection, an entanglement, an inextricability, that—again, looks different and hits different at every stage, but is undeniably always, always there—that’s the reason why they are just. OTP like no other.
the other description i was toying with was ‘fic from a total stranger that somehow might have been written for me personally??’ – this fic somehow hits so many of the things i love/want/have always wanted to see! hidden for spoilers (minor spoilers, this is canon-compliant, you know the drill...) + length sorry i have normal amounts of feelings about this fic
there’s. sylvia plath poetry. daddy and lady lazarus, i’m crying
there’s epistolary bits with gratuitous literary references (personal guilty pleasure, i don’t even know. just. gets me every time yes 35 owls)
there are some of my exact precise headcanons about major first war events (specifically the secret keeper situation and Remus post-Halloween) written so much better than i could have myself/ ever imagined possible.
there is T H E most beautiful ending scene (... narnia and LOTR fundamentally shaped me as a story-reading human yall) that’s, again, just, exactly what i imagined except a million times BETTER.
there’s also hogwarts-era remus/lily and HBP remadora, written in a way I just. loved. speaking as someone who not just doesn’t mind but actively ships these ships... i felt this struck just the right balance of serving to enhance wolfstar yet also being lovely ships and characters, wonderfully compelling at that particular time, in their own right 🥺❤️
on top of everything else it is literally even my favorite fic length (short enough to read in one shot and long enough to be really substantial)
HELP I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS FIC (AND THIS SHIP D: )
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You're No Good - Ch. 2
C.J. Bennett is an overly ambitious student who dreams of shadowing her favorite author, Eli Jennings. The only thing standing in her way: Grayson Dolan.
warnings: this is a rough draft of a series i never finished. i'm posting the finished chapters before leaving this account. 🤍
part 1
If American Lit 1102 was C.J.’s personal hell, her job could at least be considered her own reprieve.
Sunnyside Vintage is an old shop off of Sunset, having been open for the last 30 years. It wasn’t the nicest of thrift stores — the clothes always have a weird mothball smell and everything is old - and not in the trendy way. C.J. loves it. The windows are huge, letting California sunlight wash the stucco walls gold, and the mannequins are always dressed straight out of the 70’s. The pay isn’t always great, but C.J. is allowed to take whatever she wants more than makes up for it in her eyes.
“I just don’t understand. I mean, Stevens has praised me this entire semester. She even told me personally he’s never had a student write as well as me nor pick up on the work as fast as I have. Wouldn’t that be qualities you’d want in an intern, Bea? Even Grayson Dolan would’ve been a better pick.” C.J. turns to her boss, angrily folding flared jeans.
Another reason C.J. loves Sunnyside — her boss, Beatrice “Bea” Walker. Once a glitzy soap star of the ’50’s, she retired with her husband and opened Sunnyside in the late 80’s. Despite being in her late-70s, she still holds on to the same glamour and charm that made her a household name a century prior.
“Maybe there was another reason. It could be something other then your application.” She croaks, lifting a pumpkin to place next to a costumed mannequin. As halloween rapidly approaches, the store was starting to transform to fit the fall season — hoping to draw in customers to purchase unique costumes for the holiday.
Before she can move to help Bea, the doors chime, signaling an entrance. Walking through with seemingly-glowing skin and a symphonic smile was Alexi, C.J.’s best friend and roommate. It’s hard to miss Alexi whenever she walks into a room — from her bleached-blue hair to eclectic style, she’s never been afraid to follow her own path, something C.J. has always admired. She walks straight to C.J., wrapping her in a loving embrace
“Are you okay? James told me what happened.” Alexi leaves an arm around her, and while C.J. knows it’s supposed to be comforting; all she can think about is how much she wants Alexi to leave. It’s one thing to rant to her elderly boss, someone who would love her in spite of her shortcomings and faults. But to know her own friend group has already heard about her misfortune, sending over someone to comfort and soothe, it was all just a little too pitiful for her to handle.
“Theta’s are throwing a party tonight. It’ll be the perfect pick-me-up, and you can forget all about Evans Jensen-“
“Eli Jennings” C.J. corrects.
“Whoever” Alexi rolls her eyes at the interruption, “is missing out on your incredible talent because of an idiotic professor’s incompetence. Everyone’s going and it won’t be the same without you, C.”
“As much as I would love that, Lex, I really just want to be alone tonight. Shitty beer, cheap Indian food, a sad movie so I don’t have to think about how these past four years have been a waste.”
“Not a waste, first of all. Look, I know that you’ve had this whole plan for your life since you popped out the womb, but shit happens, things change. This isn’t a failure, just think of it as a temporary setback. Plus, when life gives you lemons, you…” She trails off, waiting for C.J. to finish.
“Make lemonade?” She sighs.
“Use it to chase tequila.” Alexi giggles.
“I would go, but I have to close. Right, Bea?"
"Don't use me as an excuse. You should go, maybe find a boy to take home." Alexi makes a face at Beatrice's statement and C.J.'s face heats up.
“You’re going - no more buts. Wear something cute. Something that maybe doesn’t make if look like you were alive for Vietnam.” Alexi’s already leaving, kissing Beatrice lightly on the cheek on her way out.
This was how C.J. found herself standing outside the Theta Lambda frat house, October air chilling her through her jacket. She shifts her weight between her feet, surveying the small group around her. Alexi talks animatedly on the phone, asking for whoever to meet them out front.
A random person bumps into her, forcing her to spill the contents of her purse onto the dewey grass. C.J. groans, bending down to pick everything up while mentally thinking to herself all of the other things she could be doing right now.
A pair of dirty air forces steps in front of C.J. and she slowly looks up at the girl standing in front of her. She’s pretty, stunning actually. C.J. recognizes her immediately. Channing Williams - social chair of Rho Xi sorority and the key to all the best parties on campus. Dressed in a black romper and red velvet jacket, she’s everything C.J. isn’t and a quiet twinge of jealousy plucks her heart. ‘I bet she’s never lost out on an internship.’ she thinks bitterly.
“Sorry, do you know anyone?” Channing asks, voice soft and sweet with a clipboard in hand. C.J. looks at Alexi, waiting to hear her answer.
“Not really? I mean we know people, but we aren’t going to be on your clipboard or anything so if you could just let us slide through, I’m sure there’s someone here who could like vouch for us or something?” C.J. wants to slap her — not only did she drag her out in below-freezing weather, but she couldn’t even guarantee them a way inside.
“Well this is a greek-only party so unless you know anyone….” Channing trails off, not openly wanting to kick them out in front of so many people.
“That means no GDI’s.” C.J. didn’t even notice the miniature-sized freshman standing besides Channing. She clearly looks annoyed at the intrusion, keeping her from inside where everyone else is to deal with their little group. C.J. briefly wonders if the upturned stare is a requirement for Rho Xi or if that’s was just especially reserved for her.
“Geed’s?” Alexi repeats, raising an eyebrow.
“Goddamn independents. Y’know, not greek-affiliated.” At this point, C.J. is ready to call the whole night and retire in her bed when she see’s someone appear in between Channing.
“They’re cool, Chan. They’re with me.” Micayla Zhao enters, covered in glitter, sweat and what C.J. is almost sure to be a line of salt from a body shot. C.J. has always considered Micayla the only cool Rho Xi, having had multiple classes with her over the years. Micayla fit right in with their group: smart, beautiful and a wicked sense of humor.
Channing nods, seeming bored and just wanting to get back inside with everyone else. She does a quick finger tap with Micayla (sacred Rho Xi bullshit is what Alexi always calls it) and moving along the line.
“Are your sisters always that charming?” Micayla rolls her eyes, grabbing C.J. to move them through the house to the backyard. A huge bonfire is set up in the middle with a canopy near by for the designated drinking spot. She watches as Micayla confidently moves through the crowd, stopping from time to time to say hey to friends and classmates on the way.
“Most of the time. Look, they’re just possessive over tradition and the Rho-Theta party has always been major exclusive, Channing’s been fighting to make it open to outsiders.” Micayla yells over the thumping bass.
“Yeah, I’m sure they love all the GDI’s.” C.J. exaggerates her voice, pinching her nose to capture the nasally, valley accent Channing is almost famous for. Micayla stops, and had C.J. not been paying attention, she would’ve ran into her.
“Dude, you’re kind of being a bitch right now. Look, I get your bummed about your internship, but Channing wouldn't have let you in if she didn't want to. Would you rather be getting drunk, in your apartment alone?”
“Yeah, actually.” Micayla stares at C.J. for a second, looking like she’s about to bitch her out. As if Alexi can sense the fight forming, she grabs Micayla by the arm.
“Let’s go get a drink, you look like you need a drink in you.” They both walk towards the house, Alexi mouthing ‘Be Nice’ over her shoulder before disappearing completely. C.J. exhales, counting to 3 in her head before walking over to where drinks are set up.She fills up her solo cup, watching as the fizzy liquid moves closer and closer to the top. Before she can take a sip, someone bumps into her spilling half the drink over the side.
“Hey, watch it!” A thick Jersey accent exclaims, and C.J. groans, wondering if this night could get any worse.
“Bennett?”
Grayson appears in front of her, denim jacket over a black t-shirt and black jeans. She takes note of the dark spot growing on the front of his shirt, from where she spilt her drink.
“What’re you doing here?”
She simply shrugs, refilling the missing contents of her cup.“I didn’t know parties were your scene. I always imagined in your free time you’re in like a dark room, crying alone to Sylvia Plath novels.”
“Nice to know you think of me out of class, Grayson” C.J. takes a sip of her beer. She moves to walk away, hoping he would take it as an end of conversation.
"How'd you get in? Isn't this like Rho's only?" He asks, following her to the edge of the bonfire. She looks at him, watching as the light frames the features of his face.
"Couldn't I say the same about you? You're not a Theta." He just stares at her intensely until she relents, "Micayla Zhao got me in. Y'know her?"
"We had history together sophomore year. She helped me cheat on the midterms."
C.J. laughs shortly. "Sounds like her."
Grayson opens his mouth to speak again, but is cut off.
“As much as I’m enjoying this conversation, Grayson, don’t you have someone else to bother? Someone who, y’know, actually likes you?” If that comment bothered him, he didn’t show it, continuing talking to her as if they haven’t pissed each other off continuously for the past four years.
“What do you think about Michael Eichler getting the internship spot?” He asks. As if it wasn’t bad enough that she didn’t get the spot, now she has to sit and rub salt in the wound with her worst enemy.
“What’s there to think about? He got it, I didn’t. Fucking sucks.” He laughs, holding up his own drink.
“Cheers to that.” They both clink cups, and C.J. briefly wonders if the universe is still laughing at her.
"You know, that spot should've gone to one of us." He muses, watching the partygoers continue to stumble around them. He doesn't say anything after that, and she bites.
"Why should it have gone to one of us?"
"Well, think about it. We're both the top of our class, and I know for a fact Stevens has submitted your writing to collegiate magazines. There's no fucking way Michael fucking Eichler should've got that spot over one of us." C.J. pauses. She had known that Stevens appreciated her writing, but not enough to submit it anywhere. If what Grayson was saying was true, why hadn't she gotten the apprenticeship?
"Nothing I can really do about it now. He got the spot, I didn't. I guess I can become a second rate author now." She takes another sip, and Grayson snorts unattractively.
"I'm sure you'll be okay, Bennett. If Stevens like you, I'm sure there's another author dumb enough to want to publish your work too." She glares at him.
"And here I thought we were becoming friends."
"As if you actually would've wanted to become friends with me."
"Oh yeah, that's what I do in between my Sylvia Plath crying sessions. Desperately wish that Grayson Dolan would become my best friend." Sarcasm drips off every word and he looks at her before taking another long sip of his drink.
“You know you’re actually kinda cool, Bennett. When you’re not trying to bite my head off in the middle of lecture”
“Maybe if you didn’t have such shitty takes, I wouldn’t want too.” Whatever retort Grayson was planning falls from his lips when Channing appears by his side, tucking herself underneath his arm.
"Hey, Gray. I got you another drink." Two Coronas hang from her manicured hand, and he whispers inaudibly to her, giggling between the two of them. C.J. begins to feel awkward, and coughs uncomfortably.
“Oh, you’re the GDI from earlier,” Channing looks up at her half-lidded, dark eyelashes framing red-tinged brown eyes.
“Yeah, that’s me.” Channing shifts her weight, biting her lip and feeling like an intruder. "I didn't know you two knew each other?" C.J. supplies, feeling desperate for conversation
"Gray and I had math together freshman year, "They both stare at each other awkwardly, silent tension as they wait for the other to speak.
“So, I’m gonna go." She speaks.
“No, you don’t have to." Channing is already turned back to Grayson, looking like she wouldn't mind C.J.'s exit.
“No it’s fine” Neither Grayson nor Channing seem to protest anymore, and C.J. turns back to see her friends looking at her, both amused and curious at her interaction with the duo. She begins to walk towards them, feet and heart sinking with every step, not feeling any better about her current predicament.
“Hey Bennett,” She turns around to face Grayson. “Think about what I said. About the internship stuff” She just nods, and leaves the pair. The moment she reaches her initial group, Alexi pulls her towards them.
“You and Dolan were just talking and it didn't end in a screaming match. That’s new. What did he want?”
“Nothing. Just typical Grayson Dolan bullshit."Alexi looks like she doesn't believe her, and frankly C.J. doesn't believe herself. She thinks back to what Grayson said, about how they were the only real competition for the apprenticeship. Whatever he meant by that could be handled tomorrow.
"C’mon. Didn’t you say something earlier today about tequila shots?” She asks
“Atta, girl. That’s what I’m talking about.” She lets Alexi drag her away, sparing one last look at Grayson before entering the fraternity house.
#grayson dolan#grayson dolan series#grayson dolan smut#grayson dolan imagine#grayson dolan blurb#grayson dolan fluff#grayson dolan angst#grayson dolan x reader#grayson dolan x y/n#dolan twins#dolan twins series#dolan twins smut#dolan twins imagine#dolan twins blurb#dolan twins fluff#dolan twins angst#dolan twins x reader#dolan twins x y/n
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mid-year book freak out tag
thank you @bloody-wonder for giving me an excuse to share my book thoughts!
1. Best Book You’ve Read So Far in 2021?
It’s gotta be The Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood; I hear “feminist period novel about mentally ill woman unable to cope in upper-class society” and I am THERE! It’s like [Stefon voice] This book has EVERYTHING: repressed women, a decaying old house, a complex relationship of two sisters, a pulpy sci-fi story-within-a-story-within-a-story, criticism of capitalism and reactionary attitudes and politics, commentary on how conservative society shuns those it perceives to be “other” and a threat to the social order (poor people, socialists, “unconventional” women). It is EXTREMELY my shit.
2. Best Sequel You’ve Read So Far in 2021?
The only one I've read is Siege and Storm, so Siege and Storm! Shadow and Bone was captivating, if a little simplistic, but the sequel really fleshes out the characters, setting, and themes. It’s great to see Alina take a more active role, and I love the exploration of sainthood.
3. New Release You Haven’t Read Yet, But Want To?
I’m really curious about Michelle Zauner’s memoir Crying in H Mart. Same with Axiom’s End, which I haven’t really been seeking out, but it’s been resting on my list since I like a lot of Lindsay Ellis’ stuff.
4. Most Anticipated Release For Second Half of 2021?
5. Biggest Disappointment?
The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I’ve been getting into Atwood, and I have a soft spot for female-centric retellings of myths, so this was on my list for a long time. It’s not bad; it’s decent as a character study and offers some good perspective on the hanged slave women from The Odyssey, but overall it came off as...bitter? And not in a good way. It’s reasonable to include commentary on how bad things were for women in ancient times, but after a while I’m just like “But there had to be a time when Penelope was happy, right?” But the biggest failing has to be the treatment of Helen. Why a story focused on bringing literary justice to silenced women also characterizes Helen of Troy as a manipulative, arrogant bitch who single-handedly ignited the Trojan War because she enjoys fucking people over, I’ll never know. Ironic that in the opening chapter, Penelope bemoans being used as a yardstick with which to judge other women, and then the book proceeds to do exactly that with her and Helen. Can’t let Penelope have a positive relationship with another woman! There could be some form of unreliable narrator at play, but there’s not much indication that that’s the case here. Even Homer had a more nuanced portrayal of Helen than this!
6. Biggest Surprise?
I suppose The Red Tent. I picked it up at a Goodwill because of my aforementioned interest in female-centric retellings. It’s not amazing, but I wasn’t really expecting it to emotionally affect me like it did. You spend so much time setting up Dinah’s family and this supportive community of woman within a patriarchal society, only to have Dinah abandon it all after getting betrayed by her father and (most of) her brothers. Hearing about how her family fell apart after she left and she never got to see her mothers again really gets to me. The book has flaws for sure - neither of Dinah’s romances are developed very well, and some of its themes can come off as gender essentialist - but I think it’s a nice exploration of female labor and traditions that too often get ignored.
7. Favorite New Author?
The only relatively new author I’ve been reading is Leigh Bardugo, soooooo... honestly I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t already been said, I got into the series pretty late. Great world-building, witty dialogue, a familiar type of story with enough interesting ideas to make it feel fresh. Check out Shadow and Bone if you get the chance. Sound of the summer.
8. Newest Fictional Crush?
You would think it would be Nikolai Lantsov since I just finished reading Siege and Storm and he seems to be the fan favorite... but nah, not yet. He’s fun, but he doesn’t hit me in that way (Though very sexy of him to just casually proposition Alina and Mal for a royal polycule, a la Arthur/Guinevere/Lancelot; would love an AU where they accept his offer). However, I would let Zoya murder me. Every time Zoya is not in a scene I am asking “Where’s Zoya?” Also shout out to Alina, just because I would treat her better than all the men in her life!
9. Newest Favorite Character?
Gonna try to do this without spoiling too much, but Laura Chase in The Blind Assassin really resonated with me. Her personality reminds me a lot of myself, especially as an an autistic person, like the way she has her own way of thinking that makes perfect sense to her, but makes other people see her as odd and naive. I love how she’s set up in-universe as this Sylvia Plath-esque tragic heroine, with Iris spending the rest of the book interrogating and deconstructing, and in a way, reconstructing this image of her. Atwood you’re insane for this. I forgive you for the Helen thing now.
10. Book That Made You Cry?
I never got as far as crying, but the part in The Goldfinch where [spoilers incoming] the art heist goes wrong and Theo is alone in the hotel room and he’s spiraling and considering suicide and finally dreams of his mom… all that was too much for me and I had to put the book down for the night. This guy just can’t catch a fucking break.
11. Book That Made You Happy?
fucidjdjdj I didn’t read any happy books this year. Shadow and Bone and Siege and Storm because I read them really fast unlike my usual months-long reading schedule.
12. Favorite Book Adaptation You Saw?
Predictably, Shadow and Bone. I basically bought and read the book less than a week before the show came out because I thought it looked interesting and wanted in on the hype (mostly because Jessie is cute 🥰). Honestly, the show improves a lot on the first book; the multiple storylines make it more dynamic and complex, the actors really help to make the characters feel more fleshed out, and Alina and Inej interacted for like three scenes, introducing an unexpected but thematically rich ship.
13. Favorite Review You’ve Written This Year?
14. Most Beautiful Book You’ve Bought So Far This Year?
I impulse-bought this book of Romantic poetry at Barnes and Noble just because it was pretty and I had a gift card
15. What Books Do You Need To Read By The End Of The Year?
Besides finishing The Grisha Trilogy/Six of Crows duology/Zoya’s duology that I forgot the name of….I don’t know. I’m not a reader that plans in advance. I acquire books, finish whatever I’m currently reading, look through my stacks deciding what to read next, spend an hour doing so because I can’t decide if I’m in the mood for any of them, and either force myself to read one or buy/borrow a new one.
I’m tagging @betweenironyandsilver, @illuminaticns, @borispavlikovskys, @chdarling, @sctine, @mightyaubs, @excuseforadrink, and @trckstergods, if you wanna! Or anyone who wants to yell about books.
#sophia says shit#tagged as me#sorry for taking so long I write slow and am on vacation#but thank you! I don’t get many excuses to talk about books!
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Salty Baby
Chapter six
Summary - When you moved to New York in hopes of living a glamorous life this isn’t what you expected. Steve offers to help you but your pride gets in the way. Pride isn’t going to pay your rent and college loans.
Chapter themes - This chapter you meet the Avengers. Will you be able to make a good impression on them? smut, semi-public sex, angry sex, jealous steve.
Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader
Word count - 3k
Masterlist is linked in bio! Previous chapters can be found in it!
You were nervous about getting lavish gifts from Steve, for the twenty-five five gifts of Christmas he was going to give you. Things you didn’t really need, like the diamond bracelet he got you for your two month anniversary. You couldn’t exactly wear those kinds of things to class. Where your classmates talked about was dungeons and dragons or whatever a doctor who is.
But Steve’s twenty-five presents, all of them, were anything but materialistic. You were amazed at how he personalised each of them specifically for you. He knew you so well and in such a short time. Like how he got you first edition Sylvia Plath books, which you actually had the time to read now, or how he woke you up with your favorite breakfast, or how he woke you up with his mouth. You liked that much more than the breakfast. He also got you a big cosy grey sweater that swallowed you whole.
“You look so cute” He beamed at you bending down to kiss your forehead. You couldn’t help but blush at that. “I’m not cute!” You almost stomped your foot “You’ll always be cute to me doll”
You were pleasantly surprised when Anna invited you and Steve for Christmas dinner at her place. You did miss your nephews. Brock was, as always, gone for work. She didn’t want to spend Christmas alone with the kids. She also had to make a dig at you, how you’ll be in the same boat as her, what with Steve’s demanding job. Which was far from the truth, but you let it go.
The only problem was that it was the same day as the Christmas party at the Avengers tower. Steve, being the angel that he is, said you could go to the party after dinner, it would probably start late anyway.
“Doll, how does this one look?” He asked as you stared at him noticing how thick he looked under the off white cable knit sweater.
You gulped down smoothening the flare of the white lace dress Steve gifted you. “It’s perfect Steve. And stop being so nervous! I told you I don’t care about Anna’s opinion”
“Yeah but she’s the only family you have. I want to make a good impression” he said giving you a pout which you kissed away.
Thankfully you didn’t have to ask him to not take his death trap of a motorcycle. He got you both an uber. You enjoyed the whole city lit up with the beautiful festive lights. You couldn’t help but think you wouldn’t be half as happy if you didn’t have your man sitting right next to you.
“Oh my god. Ca – Captain America” Anna stammered as she looked at your boyfriend. Right, you never did mention you were dating Steve Rogers.
“Ma'am” he gave her a curt nod handing her the non-alcoholic wine bottle he had got since she was pregnant. She pushed about how considerate he was. Which was true.
Your nephews, instantly loved Steve. It didn’t take much to impress them, the lego sets and other toys and chocolates you got them probably helped as well. Both of them hanging off of his biceps as he sweeped them off the floor. While Anna tried to process that The Captain America was standing in her living room.
She dragged you to the kitchen excusing you both away from Steve. “What is wrong with you?! You never told me you were dating Captain America!” She whispered harshly.
“What difference does it make?” She only shook her head calling you a liar “Omitting information is not the same as lying. On that note I haven’t really told him about Mom” You paused gauging her reaction “I would appreciate it if you didn’t either” You winced as she smirked at you. Wouldn’t she love having such power over you?
“What do I get in return?”
“What the fuck do you want?” you snapped.
“I’ll think about it. But remember that you owe me”
You couldn’t get her words out of your head. As you kept stabbing at your meatloaf barely eating it. Steve squeezed your thigh, under the dinner table as if to reassure you. He threw his head back at the kids antics and making polite conversation with Anna.
“I’ve worked with Rumlow before” He mentioned referring to the picture frames he saw of Brock.
“Oh goodness really? He never mentioned it. But he never really talks about work. Are you good friends?” She asked eagerly.
He cleared his throat sitting up straight “Not really. But I would like to get to know him better”
Friends was always a touchy subject for Steve. Having lost so many of them, you were amazed at how he was still willing to open his heart up. He couldn’t connect to or trust anyone in this era. He didn’t need to tell you that, you could sense it. You were almost anxious, did he feel connected to you? Atleast half as much as you did to him.
Maybe that’s why you were more scared to meet his ‘family’ than he was to meet yours. You had to crane your neck up, to the point that it actually hurt so you could get a view of the Avengers tower. It was majestic and maybe a bit over the top. Not really your cup of tea, but from what you heard from Steve about Tony Stark, he loved going all out. Which was probably why there were humongous reindeers next to the A of the Avengers.
“It’s amazing!” You gushed as you both got in the elevator making your way over to the party deck. You could see why they called it a white party. The Christmas tree decorated with silver and white ornaments, which seemed to be the theme of the party. “Oh” You let out as you read that all the decorations and the tree would be bio-degradable. How is that possible?
“Cap you finally made it” You turned around to look at a blonde man, who was taller and larger than Steve which you didn’t get to see everyday, and a redhead, whom you recognised as the black widow, greeting Steve. You quickly stood next to him, holding his hand and lacing his fingers with yours.
“Oh you must be Steve’s lady” He raved squeezing you into a tight hug, which would normally be uncomfortable for you but somehow it wasn’t when he did it. It was almost comforting, like a bear hug. You awkwardly patted his back. With your face smashed in his chest you could barely breathe.
You finally pushed him away trying not to hypnotised by his eyes wrinkled by his wide gein “Yes I am the lady” you chuckled nervously smoothening the wrinkles of your dress. You looked down at the pretty white thing. You had never even worn a dress before, you weren’t sure if it was for you.
“Hope Steve is treating you well” Black Widow smiled at you before looking at Steve. “Aren’t you gonna introduce us?” she raised a brow at him.
“This is Thor” Steve frowned at the bulky blonde out of the corner of his eye “And this is Natasha” She smiled shaking your hand. Now Natasha, she looked absolutely ravishing in her grey bodysuit, that seemed to hug her in all the right places, she looked like someone who was made to fit into a place like this.
“Can I borrow Steve for a minute? We have some business to attend to” She said lacing hers arm with his.
Your breathe hitched at the thought of being left alone. “I – uh” You stammered.
“I can keep you company if you like” Thor offered and you smiled at him. Feeling his presence already comforting. You thanked him letting Steve know that you were fine.
For the next hour, Thor told you all about his home, which was in another world, something you still couldn’t wrap your head around. His delinquent brother Loki, who’s never up to any good. And his girlfriend Jane who unfortunately couldn’t join you too. His face beamed up when you told him you study physics. “I believe that is what Stark does”
“Oh I’m not sure it would be the same field. But maybe” You hummed.
“Where is he” He looked around, his silky long strands shaking with his head. “Oh Clint! Come meet Steve’s lady” He called out to someone.
“Oh you know what? I think I have to use the restroom” You stood up abruptly collecting your clutch. “I’ll catch you later” You said briskly walking away. You had caught a glimpse of a balcony on the when on the way from the elevator to the party which was your destination. As much fun as it was supposed to be to hang out with everyone, how all your classmates and your sister were ‘so jealous' of you, you were exhausted and completely burned out.
You breathed in the cold fresh air as you stood near the railing of the balcony, which was empty save for a few people. You wrapped your arms around yourself as you felt the air creep chills up your body. You close your eyes, your teeth clammering as you tried to rub your arms to create some warmth
“You don’t look so comfortable there” Your eyes snapped open as you heard someone drawl out. You looked to your left, where the voice came from, and instantly recognized the face. You’d have to live under a rock not to. It was the man who saved New York.
“I’m fine” You brushed him off. Not knowing how you could possibly speak to such a larger than life personality.
“It’s a nice party. Isn’t it?” He moved closer to you standing just a few feet away from you now “No? I’ll try to do a better job next time I guess” He shrugged his lips curling up in a smile.
“It is nice. But – I don’t know” you stopped yourself “– I’m just an introvert”
“See that's what people get wrong. Introverts don’t hate parties. I know plenty of ‘em who are the life of the party in fact”
“Name one” You scoffed.
He hummed for a minute as if thinking it over “Oh the hulk!” you cringed as he yelled enthusiastically “Banner is an anti social geek but the hulk is actually a pretty fun guy if you get to know him” he said leaning on the edge of the balcony.
“I don’t think that counts. Hulk and Banner are not the same...” you trailed off not quite sure if they were or weren’t and this time he scoffed not believing you “It’s true!” you argued “just like how Steve and Captain America aren’t the same person”
“Who capsicle?” he tilted his head.
You tried to hold it in, you really did but you burst out a laugh and quickly held your hand over your mouth to contain it. “Cap – what does that even mean?” You shook your head finally giving in and throwing your head back laughing at the ridiculous nickname.
“There you are” You stopped laughing as soon as you heard that voice. You whipped your head to look at Steve approaching the two of you, his jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed. “I’ve been looking all over for you” He said pulling you into him by grabbing your waist.
“Oh I’m sorry I got caught up -”
“You two know each other” Tony interrupted you and Steve introduced you as his girlfriend.
“We should get going. There are some other people I want you to meet” Steve said looking down at you, somewhat sternly, his tone reminding you of his authoritative side, the one he used on the battlefield and in bed with you.
You felt your heart beat fast and your mouth dry as you nodded. Steve held onto your wrist guiding you away from the balcony
“Wait!” Tony called out for you “don’t you wanna know what it means?”
“What’re you talking about?” Steve rolled his eyes, still pulling at your wrist but you stood your ground, you did want to know. You looked at Tony expectedly.
“He spent decades in the ice frozen like a capsicle” He chuckled “and because he always has a huge stick up his ass”
Your smile faltered at that. You thought it would be something fun his friends tease him with, but this just seemed mean-spirited. “It was nice to meet you Tony” You bid him goodbye and he waved you off as you walked with Steve back to the party.
You could feel Steve fuming beside you, but you weren’t exactly sure what he was angry at. You didn’t think a stupid nickname would make him so mad. You were about to ask him but you were pushed into a coat closet? What the hell? You yelped as your backside bumped against the desk in the middle of the closet. “What - Steve!” you scolded him as you looked at the brown grease on the desk stain your white dress. “this isn’t going to come off you know” you tried rubbing at it but you were sure it was ruined.
“What were you laughing about out there with Tony? I left you alone for barely half an hour” He said. His tone contained and cool. As if what he was saying was completely rational and true. Which only served to piss you off even more.
“You left me for an entire hour! You know I’m not good at these things. Why am I here?” You said pointing your at your chest “I’m here for you! And now you’re saying what? I’m flirting with other men?”
“That’s what it seemed like” He said with the same even tone and your hand twitched wanting to smack him across his stupid beautiful face.
“Whatever Steve” you shook your head pushing him away to get away from him. You never thought you’d need distance from your Steve. “Steve let me go” you pushed him again but you knew it would be of no use. You were no match against the great Captain America.
“No” He walked close to you caging you in till you had no where to go. You felt his hot breathe fanning against your face as he stared you down. You let out a breathe, disgusted that you could feel his erection against your thigh. That you were just as turned on.
“Fuck it” you leaned up on your toes crashing your lips onto his wrapping your hands around his neck, your teeth clattering together as his hands worked to push up your skirt and pull down your panties. He pushed you up to sit you on the desk and you cringed thinking of your once beautiful dress.
He pulls away from you, his face flushed and his lips swollen from your rough kiss. He put your panties into his dress pants. “I’ll buy you another one doll” But you didn’t know if he was referring to your dress or your panties. And frankly you didn’t care. You were so angry and hurt, that all you could think about was his dick inside you, your golden boy railing you in a fucking coat closet.
Your hands made quick work of unbuckling him and pulling him out of his briefs. His cock already hard and ready. You pulled it in to line him up with your entrance but he stopped you, swatting your hands away.
“I’m too big for you doll” He leaned into your ears to whisper, two of his fingers entering your channel. “And you’reso tight. We have to get your prepared” he groaned driving his fingers in and out of you adding a third one as you held onto his shoulders for life, biting into the crook of his neck to muffle your screams.
“Don’t you dare come” He warned you as he felt you clench around his fingers. You could only whimper to answer him, holding off on your release. Knowing that if you didn’t listen to him he wouldn’t fuck you. In that moment you felt as if you’d die if you didn’t feel his cock inside you. “Please fuck me” you tried to catch your breathe as tears clouded your vision. You cried as you felt his fingers slipping out of you. You were about to say that you didn’t come. That you were good. You deserved to get off!
But then, in one single thrust he pushed his cock deep inside you, hitting your g-spot. You sighed biting his earlobe and sucking on it as a way to thank him. The weight and warmth of him cooling down the burn in your core just a little bit. But you were still very much on edge.
He rolled his hip as he started fucking into you. You grabbed onto his hair with your hand pulling on it a bit. He groaned at that driving into you faster.
With his cock hitting your cervix, again and again with such ferocious pace, you couldn’t even remember what you were angry about. Were you angry? What were you doing in a coat closet? It didn’t matter, not really. The only thing that mattered was him, his cock inside you and your impending doom. “I need to come. Please “ You wailed unable to contain your sounds.
“Go ahead doll” he pulled away a bit to look into your eyes “I’m all yours” He drove his cock into you, in the way he knew you loved. He pushed your hair out of your face, staring at you so lovingly, feeling so vulnerable and overwhelmed you closed your eyes, if you didn’t see him he couldn’t see you either right?
You clenched around him as you felt him fill you up with his warm seed. Your orgasm hitting you like a tsunami. You felt completely spent, not being able to hold yourself up you laid your head on his shoulder.
Your high didn’t last for long. You felt him slip out of you, shuffling to take out a handkerchief and clean you up. You recalled what you were fighting about. How he mistrusted you even though you had given him no reason to do so. You hugged him closer not ready to address all those issues just yet. They could wait till you had had your moment with him.
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#salty baby#steve rogers x reader#steve x reader#captain america x reader#chris evans x reader#steve rogers x you#chris x reader#avengers x reader#marvel x reader#steve rogers fic
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The Poem Series (9) Portrait of a Figure Near Water– John Wick
All the previous Parts here!
Two updates in one day !!!! Parts 8 and 9... tell me what you think!!!!
Diana had an emotional roller coaster of a week. At the start of the week she was filled with positivity, which changed into hope when she met John, that changed to love when she felt attracted to John, and then it changed into fury when John had forgot about her as if she did not exist. Her new week had started with a presentation on Jane Kenyon. Diana had always admired female authors and poets. She adored Jane Austen and Sylvia Plath. In fact her thesis was on a similar area. She saw a bit of herself in Kenyon who too admired nature. Her language for quieter, less self-dramatizing, much like Diana herself. After discussing most of her work and writing style to the class, she gave an assignment on one of her poems.
Diana had no other class today and her week had really exhausted her, emotionally. So she picked up her violin that she often carried with her in her car, and walked towards the small garden a little away from college to take a break. While walking she thought of Kenyon’s lines herself,
“Rebuked, she turned and ran
uphill to the barn. Anger, the inner
arsonist, held a match to her brain.
She observed her life: against her will
it survived the unwavering flame.”
The poet was talking about how after being rebuked she ran away to hide her anger, her embarrassment. There was a fire within her, whether it was anger or not, she does not know but now after the humiliation, the fire inside her had turned arsonist with a n intention to burn her. She had to embrace life ahead and not succumb to its flames. It often made Diana wonder how these poets were able to write such deep lines that expressed how she felt. It was magical. Literature was magical. For every mood, for every emotion, one could always find a line, a quote, a passage, that would just unveil the emotion she felt. Why didn’t people study literature, why didn’t they read poetry. The world has become so selfish, materialistic – both emotionally and physically. One befriends another person for competitive advantage, and one loves another for sex. For few moments John made her believe otherwise. John was intense, passionate, and the way he talked had made Diana feel that in this world full of greed, selfishness, loathing, death, and destruction, there is at least one man who is different, but then she was proven wrong. She let her guards down and John hurt her. He swayed her with his honeyed words and vanished like she never existed. He had made her doubt her sanity for she wondered if she was becoming so lonely that she had personified all her desires in the form of John; much like the woman in The Yellow Wallpaper.
Diana found a small park bench at a secluded corner in the park. It was away from the pebble path that people walked on and yet offered a view of the gigantic fountain at the middle of the park. It was evening time and there were fewer people than before. Diana started playing, a piece From Shubert, Ave Maria. It was a delicate tune and playing her brought some healing. The harmony induced serenity. The composition itself was created as a subtle message of sadness and regret. It conveys the message of “letting go” and making a promise to continue with life. Diana played the tune on her violin for a whole five minutes. When the tune ended she left out a sigh. She felt better. She felt calmer than before. She looked at her watch, it was nearly 7 pm and the park is about to close. She must go home. She packs up her violin in the case and as she is about to get up she sees a small black pitbull sitting in front of her holding a neatly wrapped bouquet in his jaw. Wait, she remembers this dog. This is John’s dog, Dog. She scratches, his ear and takes the bouquet from his mouth. The pitbull barks and runs away in a direction before she could grab him. Diana looks around but there is no one there.
She looks at the bouquet. There are different set of flowers this time. They are fastened by a green garland. Unlike the last time, there is only one of each flower. There is a Columbia, a Rue, an anemone, a rosemary, and a Forget me not. What is this bouquet trying to say, What are you trying to say John, lets see, she thought. The Columbine indicates foolishness, and rue defines regret. Rosemary is for remembrance, and anemone is for forsaken love. Finally, the forget me not says that one would not forget again. SO John is trying to say that he was foolish, and he wouldn’t do it again? He is asking for a chance for his love? Diana scoffs, and wonders, does John think I would be so gullible the second time? Diana wanted to throw away the bouquet but her love for flowers is more than the anger for John at the moment. She picks up the bouquet, her violin, and her bag and starts to walk towards the gate.
When John came back from Vladivostok the first thing that he wanted to do was to go running to Diana, hug her and tell her how sorry he was. How ashamed and sorry he felt of leaving her hanging. He had made promises to her. In his heart, he had failed her. This was a woman who had given him a chance without a drop of mistrust or dishonesty but he had let her down. This woman had gone beyond her comfort zone to meet and be with John. He wanted to make her feel like a goddess to be worshipped but he made her feel low, small, insignificant instead. He had made her doubt her sanity. She spoke only one line in the voice mail, but that line had so many meanings. She had found John, loving and even had strong feelings for him. John’s absence made her doubt that he was not real. No! he cannot have that. He must go and meet her, get to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Tell her that he faltered. He looks at the time. He realized that after being missing for one week he cannot just show up at 1 in the night at her doorstep. What would she think of him. No, he will meet her tomorrow at her college. She loved flowers, he will get her some flowers, beautiful ones. The flowers that would tell how sorry he is. On his bed, John pats Dog on his head, and murmurs, “She is angry with me boy. She is so angry with me”
John goes to his bed, but sleep eludes him. He spends the night tossing and turning, until he finally decides to go down to his basement and do some book binding to calm himself down. In Vladivostok, when John was searching for his target, he had found an antique shop. Unable to resist, he had gone in. He had talked to the owner and upon receiving the answer, John had smiled. From that place, he had brought a tattered, yellowish book whose pages were coming out. The print, however was exceptional. With little hard work, this book could be bound and made as good as new, well, as good as the oldest new he had thought. It would take him a couple of weeks to do it, and when he would finish the binding, he would gift it to Diana. Now, in his basement, on his desk, John stared at the first edition. The first edition of the book that had brought Diana to the small antique shop in his block and given him a chance to ask her out. John had the first edition of “The Little Prince” in his hand and he had started binding it, restoring it for his beloved.
The morning arrived and John got ready. He dressed up casually, in a white shirt, a brown leather jacket and blue jeans. John would meet Diana after her class, when she is leaving her college. Before that, he would get her some flowers, that would say how sorry he is for vanishing without contact the way he did. Taking Dog with him, John drives his Mustang to the flower shop.
The door opens with a “ding” as John enters. It grabs the attention of “Tiffany” as the badge says. Of course, she remembered John. She remembered John, and she secretly envied the woman John was with. His presence is enough to make Tiffany aroused. She opened the first two buttons of her uniform and walked towards him.
“Good Morning, May I help you sir?”
“Yes. I want a bouquet”
“Do you know what you want this time too sir?” Tiffany could not help but flirt with John who was less than impressed.
“Yes. Columbine, Rue, Anemone, Rosemary, and Forget me not. One of each flower wrapped by one single green garland”
“Aah, the apology bouquet, I wonder what woman would be so stupid to be upset with you, quite a fragile woman I must say” She said leaning a little bit, and touching his arm.
John had seen enough of the women trying to seduce him to bed and honestly, he didn’t care anymore. When this girl touched him, he felt a little violated. He felt that he was cheating on Diana. What does this girl think he is? That he is just some man who would be enticed by just about any girl when his love is angry with him? John straightened his posture more. Diana had ruined women for him. He was already on the edge and the incessant flirting of the flower shop girl and her obscene show of unladylike gesture was enough to make him mad. He was on the verge of losing the only woman he loved in his life and this girl here was not only causing him delay, but also judging his beloved as a stupid woman. John would not take this. If it were a man, he would be lying on the floor dead, but John does not hit women. He replies with his death stare
“She is someone who is not like you. She isn’t fragile like a flower, she is fragile like a grenade”
Tiffany was shocked and scared. She felt she would die on the spot. If looks were fire, John’s stare would have turned her into ashes and then some.
“I am sorry sir. I didn’t mean to … .Here is your requested bouquet”
“How much?”
“That will be 123 dollars sir”
After paying, John leaves the shop leaving a very scared and ashamed Tiffany behind.
John reached Diana’s college. It was big and crowded. It would be difficult to locate her here and he was not enjoying the attention he was getting from some of the female students. So he went to the help desk where a man probably in his late fifties sat.
“Can you tell me where I can find Diana Swan?”
“Who?”
“Diana Swan”
“Oh, You mean professor Swan?”
John nods.
“Her class finished early today. I think she left for home. But you can check at the garden outside the college. She often goes there to sit”
“thank you”
John now walks towards the garden, with Dog following closely. The garden was large and secluded. It was beautiful and peaceful, much like her taste, John thought. Of course, she would come here, this place speaks of her. Now where to find her in this large garden. John thinks. Diana would not sit in a place where she would be disturbed. She like peace, she likes quiet, but she also likes nature. So she would sit in a place where there is less disturbance but also offers a view of this large fountain. He must start looking from THAT corner, John thought. As he starts to walk towards a particular direction, a faint sound attracts his attention. It was the sound of music. Someone was playing the violin. Could it be…HER? Like a hypnotized man, John’s feet took him in the direction of the music. At a distance, he sees a woman, HIS woman, sitting on a bench, back towards him, playing a tune that he doesn’t know, but it makes him feel sad. The tune is so melancholic. His beloved, like the goddess Thalia had descended down on the earth and was playing the music.
John became nervous. Should he approach her now? Would she get angry on him? He does not have the courage to see the disappointment in her eyes. He cannot see her face full of hurt that he caused. He will test the waters first. So he leans down and makes Dog grab the bouquet. He pats him and says softly, “she wont get mad at you, you did not disappoint her. GO boy!!“
The pitbull, understanding his master’s commands takes the bouquet and goes towards his beloved while John watches from behind. He watches Diana take the bouquet from Dog after she finishes playing. She looks at each flower of the bouquet, carefully scrutinizing it, while John gulps in nervousness. Then she looks around to find no one. She gets up and starts to walk towards the gate where she is unaware that she would find John waiting for him.
As soon as Diana reached the gates of the park, she sees a face, a familiar face, the face that had nearly made her doubt her sanity. John Wick was standing on the gates of the park, looking at her with an expression, she did not understand. Was it guilt? Was it pity? Was it shame? Dog stood beside him wagging his tail looking at her. Diana loved dogs, and honestly, she had melted a little already with the innocent pitbull giving her the flowers, but she won’t let it show. She stared at John back, showing her displeasure, lets out a long steady breath, then turns around and starts walking towards the opposite gate of the park.
TWO UPDATES IN ONE DAY!!!!! ALSO ISN’T DOG ADORABLE !!!!!! LOOK AT THAT FACE!!!
@ficsnroses @meetmeinthematinee @overheardatthecontinental
#john wick#john wick fanfic#john wick x ofc#john wick x original character#john wick x original female character#john wick x reader#john wick x you#john wick x y/n#baba yaga#boogeyman#the boogeyman#continental#the continental#keanu reeves#keanu reeves fanfiction#keanu reeves fanfic#keanu reeves x y/n#keanu
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I saw [WILLOW LANE] at a coffee shop in [BROOKLYN] today. I forgot how much [SHE] looks like [MADELYN CLINE]. They are a [TWENTY-THREE] year old [WAITRESS] who’s been in NYC for [A YEAR] now. Every time we run into each other, they are always [SPONTANEOUS AND FREE SPIRITED] but I’ve heard people say they can also be [NON-COMMITTAL AND SELF-INDULGENT]. [OUT OF THE BLUE BY KATIE PRUITT] reminds me of them every time it comes on the radio. / @villagestart
Hello everyone! I’m Ella and I’m super excited to be part of this roleplay and introduce Willow to all of you, she’s a new muse but she’s based on an old muse of mine so I think I have her figured out or mostly lol. I’d love to plot with all of you, so please like this or hmu. If you want my discord, I’d be happy to give it to you, just ask :D
basics
NAME: ava willow lane
NICKNAME: will, lolo, pillow
GENDER: cis female
PLACE OF BIRTH: burlington, vermont
DATE OF BIRTH: september 28, 1997
AGE: twenty-three
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual
OCCUPATION: waitress
NEIGHBORHOOD: brooklyn
background
Burlington was a dream within a dream, the station next to heaven. A town in love with itself and whose residents gloated about the wooded land, creased by hills, and threaded by streams.
The Lanes were living the typical American dream: the big house with the white picket fence, a large backyard and two perfect children. It was dreamlike.
Their kids could count themselves lucky and Willow Lane certainly did for most of her life. As the youngest daughter of a successful surgeon and a renowned psychotherapist who taught at the University of Vermont, she was taught that receiving an education was the only way to get ahead in life.
Her parents made sure to set their kids to success and while most of the kids from her street were out there playing, she was holed up in her room, reading the stacks of encyclopedia books her parents bought me for her birthday.
As a young child, Willow was filled with a sense of wonder, and encouraged by her curious personality she wanted to learn everything.
By the time she was in the sixth grade, she was smarter than most of the kids in her class, still her parents reminded her every day that she must outrank them all. Her parents took pride in her achievements. They were quick to boast about it in public, but they remained strict in private. Anything less than gold didn’t deserve a place on the wall.
Her afternoons were always full. Whether it was ballet class, french lessons, piano lessons or soccer practice. She had no time for herself.
Then high school started and by then she was overworked. Tired of chasing perfection and only being met with a “try harder”.
TW: DRUGS, ADDICTION, VOMIT MENTION, PANIC ATTACK: While she was still number one at her school, it was taking everything in her to keep it that way. Her parents didn’t know about those panic attacks she suffered at night or how she threw up before any competition. To them, she was handling well and she was very good at pretending but she also had a little secret. In her sophomore year, she was introduced to Adderall and she was quickly hooked. END OF TW
When she got accepted into a prestigious university, her parents didn’t hesitate to brag about how their kid would attend an Ivy League but Willow was mortified.
Back in Burlington, she was the biggest fish in the sea but at Princeton there were students who were better and shone brighter than her.
Maybe it was because she was suddenly cast into a whole new world that was so different from the one she grew up in. Maybe it was because she had harbored a bit of resentment towards her parents for her wasted youth. Whatever it was, by the end of her freshman year, university had swallowed her up.
TW ALCOHOL, DRUGS, DEPRESSION She got into a bad crowd, drank herself into oblivion, partied harder than anyone, and developed a penchant for bad boys who were much older than her. All this while trying to maintain a perfect GPA. Thanks to her magic pill, she was able to function and not feel guilty about not being as perfect as her parents wanted her to be. After all, she was only trying to recover the freedom that they took from her.
But this coping mechanism only turned to worse. The more she tried to drown her feelings in alcohol, the harder it came to bite her in the ass. It was clear as water: Willow Lane, picture perfect daughter, was depressed and had been for a while, and now it had caught up to her.
She was fighting a battle she was slowly losing. Willow was in a constant state of helplessness, staring into the void, and completely unable to pull herself out of it. If it hadn’t been for the upbringing she had, she would have been completely fine with self-destruct. END OF TW
The summer after her freshman year, she came back home and decided to have a talk with her parents. Her parents sat across the table, and they were not celebrating the end of a successful first semester, instead, they were fuming with betrayal.
Willow told them that she had dropped most of her classes and she explained to them how she was exhausted beyond repair. They were displeased, so disappointed that looking at them was painful. For the first time in their life, their perfect daughter had failed them.
By the end of the evening, her father was livid. Threatened her that if she didn’t take more classes and got excellent grades he would stop paying her tuition. That’s when it hit her. To her parents, she was nothing but an object, an accomplishment to brag about to her friends. That was not love, that was selfish and a wake up call.
She packed up her stuff that evening, went back to Princeton and emptied her dorm as well as she dropped out completely.
Freedom at last. With only a few bucks in her account, she bought a random bus ticket that took her to Montreal, Canada where she stayed for a couple of weeks, while working as a waitress before she moved to a new location. For the past three years, Willow has been living off a backpack.
She moved to New York a year ago, but she comes and goes. Whenever she gets bored or too attached to someone she escapes.
She’s been clean for three years when it comes to Adderall, although she still drinks but only socially.
personality
Despite her strict upbringing, Willow is a free-spirit! She’s always looking for a new adventure and she wants to live her life to the fullest, she doesn’t care about rules or schedules. She lives a pretty hedonistic lifestyle, always chasing a high in life and sometimes that makes her take some reckless decisions. A naturally loving person, Willow is always there to lend a shoulder to cry on or offer to wipe off your tears, however, she does struggle with connections. If she feels a deep connection with someone she runs away as she believes that being attached to someone will tie her up to one place and as we know, Willow lives a pretty nomad life. She keeps coming back to New York because she loves the vibe but when she gets bored or overwhelmed she leaves without warning. As loving as she is, she can also be ruthless and cold, especially when feeling vulnerable. She has a sharp tongue and it’s not afraid to hurt some feelings if that means shattering the pristine image some people have of her.
headcanons
She has a rib cage tattoo that reads “Eternity bores me, I never wanted it.” It’s a quote from Sylvia Plath.
Speaks French fluently and sometimes she likes to pretend she’s a lost French tourist just for fun.
Volunteers at the animal shelter. Because she doesn’t have a set home, she can’t have a pet but she loves animals.
Never has enough battery on her phone and sometimes she sings in the subway to earn some coins because she tends to forget her wallet.
Really good friends with the homeless woman who lives down her street, she brings her food from the restaurant.
Keeps many scrapbooks from the places she’s been.
Sometimes she goes to music stores and plays the piano, one of the few activities she enjoyed as a child.
Loves reading and whenever she’s not getting in trouble or working, she’s at the library.
Wears too many rings, so don’t try to mug her.
connections
Older brother: Willow has an older brother who followed her parents’ plan. He graduated college and now has a very important job. Willow hasn’t spoken to him in three years, even if he’s tried to contact her. She just doesn’t want any ties to her old life, including her family.
“Best Friend”: I put it between quotations because she doesn’t stay in one place long enough to actually form long lasting friendships but this person is the closest to that. She adores them and actually sends them a postcard when she leaves.
Partner in crime: As stated, Willow is pretty reckless and she does a lot of stupid shit but she’s always seeking for someone to be her partner in crime and just go crazy with them.
Co-workers/Clients: She works as a waitress at a restaurant (if your character has a restaurant let me know, bc idk where she would work).
Neighbor: She lives in a small apartment in Brooklyn with two other roommates, it’s not ideal but it’s what she has.
College friends/hook ups: Oh during her college year, she was a party girl and she made a lot of “friends” (She attended Princeton btw) and also hooked up with a lot of people (f/m/nb), most of them were older than her.
Flirtationship: She is a natural flirt and she doesn’t even try to hide it.
Unrequited: Maybe your character has a crush on her (and depending on chemistry maybe she does as well but since she moves often she tries to ignore it). It’s angsty, it’s fun, give it to me. (f/m/nb)
Hook ups: Y’all know the drill
Bad tinder date: Willow thought it would be fun to go on a tinder date and she proposed some crazy scheme and they both had to spend the night in a jail cell.
Roommates: She lives in Brooklyn with two more roommates.
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Talking Books With @words-and-pages!
[What is this and how can I participate?]
Hallo!
I’m back again to discuss memories, heart-touching books, and death of the author. Enjoy!
Important note: I haven’t changed or edited any of the answers. I’ve only formatted the book titles so they were clearer, but nothing else. Because I’m incapable of shutting up, my comments are between brackets and in italics, so you can distinguish them clearly.
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[Image description: a square titled “Know the blogger”. Name & pronouns: Isla, she/her; country: United Kingdom; three adjectives to describe her: Ambitious, optimistic, creative... To a fault. /end]
1. What is the first book-related feeling/memory you have?
God, I remember being really young and having this desperate want to read because it was something that grownups did. I remember sitting down with books like One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and painstakingly sounding out each word with my mum. And then I’d get frustrated because I didn’t want to learn to read, I just wanted to read.
I used to get books down from the shelves in our house and just stare at the pages of words, not even trying to read, just enjoying the act of sitting there with a book. When I finally got to the point that I could read by myself nothing could stop me, no book was safe.
[This is the most relatable and precious thing I’ve encountered in the interviews so far!]
2. Last book that touched your heart?
It’s actually my current read, The Journals of Sylvia Plath. One of my favourite parts of reading is when an author describes a feeling that you have no words for, and the wonderful moment of knowing that it’s not just you feeling it.
I feel that Sylvia and I must operate on the same wavelength because every single page has me stopping and underlining passages and mentally screaming ‘I feel that too!’ I find myself wanting to hug the book half the time.
["Current" as of the day of the interview, August 12]
3. Do you read books for children?
Yes and no. I absolutely adore children's picture books. If I ever get a spare moment at work you can probably find me over in the picture book section flipping through the latest titles. There's a brilliant sense of (surprisingly adult) humour that you find in picture books that always makes me laugh.
But I really don't read enough proper children's fiction. I always have a TBR list a mile long, and unfortunately kids books never really win out over the adult/YA books I want to read.
4. Thoughts on "death of the author"?
It's a tricky one. I think that once a book gains a big enough following its story does evolve into something bigger than the author. Take Harry Potter for an example (for obvious reasons). I think a lot of what fans love about Harry Potter –the aesthetics, the characters, the messages– all comes from the fans themselves. My perception of the series has been made far better by headcanons and fan-interpretations of the characters and plot. I think Harry Potter stands for so much more than JKR's books at this point, and so it's very easy to separate the two. The sheer volume of Fan Fiction alone has probably re-written the series 100 times over.
I think it's up to each individual to make decisions based on their personal feelings on the author though. Buying a Lovecraft book isn't going to effect anything politically. Yes, the man was a seething racist, but he's also dead, and so you're not supporting him by buying his books. When it comes to authors who are still around and kicking, I think simple changes like buying second hand, and buying unofficial merchandise is the way to go. You can still enjoy the content, and your own interpretation of it, without putting money in the pocket of someone who you disagree with.
[This is a tricky one, indeed. I agree with you in part, but I also think that someone’s views also influence their works, so um. I guess it depends on what you’re reading and your personal tolerance?
There was actually a super good post about JKR and death of the author going around that now I can’t find anywhere and I’m so annoyed because I wanted to link it!]
5. Is there any publishing house you especially like or you don't even notice these things?
I work in a bookshop, so I kind of have to take notice of publishers (give me a popular book and I can probably tell you the main UK distributor off the top of my head. A sad and pointless talent.) Orion and Titan have got to be my top two publishers. I think probably 75% of my favourite books come from them. So I'm always keeping an eye on their new releases.
Free space to say/add/recommend anything!
I'd like to use my free space to shamelessly plug my instagram and to remind people that my ask is always open if they'd like book recs! My speciality is adult fantasy and SF but I will literally read anything, so I'm fairly good at other genres too.
Also, everyone should be reading the Broken Earth trilogy by NK Jemisin. Fantastic books that don't get enough love among SFF fans.
You can follow her at @words-and-pages, on her Instagram, and on Goodreads.
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Thank you, Isla! This was a super interesting chat.
Next interview: Wednesday, 14th of October
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