#i Could drive to the store and get something but im so fucking tired

[kordbot]

currently drinking a strawberry 0% beer and it tastes. pink

#its not good. its not bad. its pink #also dont judge me i dont usually drink this shit i just need Beverage and i dont have any other sweet drinks rn #i Could drive to the store and get something but im so fucking tired #its 3 pm. and i havent even started studying. and i am so so eepy already #i had to drive n load The Beast™ [my horsey] to the trailer Twice today bc the girl im training couldnt do it #and honestly. loading Ceratka into the trailer is a task thats almost impossible to fuck up bc she Loves driving #so i dont even. know how they managed to fuck it up #but im home now. and the beast should be back home by now as well

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant. #literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast. #well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least. #there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter. #i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it. #im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(

[rafeandonlyrafe]

talk to me

words: 800

warnings: addiction, breaking sobriety, drinking/doing drugs, established relationship

taglist: @drewstarkeysbae @thelomlisrafecameron @f4ll-for-you @dilvcv @winterrrnight @slut4drudy @drewsbabygirll @jjmaybankswifes-blog @rafescokenostril @jjsmarijuana @jjmaybankisbae @seeingstarks @angelofcigs @cece45450

you can tell from the moment you pick up the phone that something is wrong. rafe’s breathing is so loud that it’s being picked up, coming through your phone speaker.

“rafe, baby?” you ask, but all you here is his panting in response.

“rafe, talk to me. what’s wrong?”

“i’m sorry.” rafes voice is gruff, it sounds like he’s been screaming. 

“sorry? sorry for what rafe? tell me whats wrong.” you plead, feeling tears form in your eyes. you hate being away from rafe, you know that he hates it even more than you, especially now that he’s sober. he used to just get drunk or high the entire time until you were back, but you hated coming back to a strung out rafe, and you knew it wasn’t healthy.

“i’ve been drinking.” rafe says, and you hear the slight slur in his words.

“rafe-” you stand up, already beginning to pack. you don’t need to hear anything else. you know drinking isn’t the worst thing, but for rafe, the drinking will only ever lead to drugs, and he’s been clean for so long “i’m coming home baby. where are you?”

“our house.” he says, and you hear him fumbling with something in the background, and then a crash. it sounds like glass breaking.

“rafey baby, can you go lay down in bed, yeah?” you ask, grabbing your purse and suitcase. you’d text your girlfriends from the car on the way back home to rafe. you thought that he was good enough for you to go on a spa weekend away with the girls. you made sure it was one that was less than an hour away that way you could get home quickly.

“i’m gonna go sit outside.” “okay, i’m heading to the car right now.” you were supposed to head home in the morning anyways, so you have no issue leaving the night before, knowing your girlfriends won’t mind.

“talk to me.” you say as you get in your car, starting it up. “talk to me, rafey.” “i went to the store. i bought whiskey. i fucked up baby, i know that.” “it’s okay, honey.” you swing your car onto the highway, glad that theres no cars so you can speed, praying no cops are sitting hidden.

“and now i’m making you come home because i can’t fucking do it. god, i’m the worst boyfriend.” “not at all, rafey. you make me feel so loved. you take care of me. that’s what you’re meant to do as my boyfriend and that’s what i’m doing for you as your girlfriend. i’m taking care of you.” “i’m so tired.” rafe says. “i just want to do a bump.” “rafe, keep talking.” you say, tears blurring your vision. “i’m coming home to you right now, stay strong for me okay.”

you get rafe to continue talking as you drive home, going at least 20 miles over the speed limit the entire way. you haphazardly park when you get back home, running through the house to find rafe on the balcony. 

“i’m home.” you kneel down in front of him, heart breaking at how spaced out he looks. “i’m home, rafe.” rafe lets out a choked sob, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and pitching forward. you shush him gently as he cries, rubbing your hand up and down his back.

“lets go to bed, yeah?” you ask after a moment.

“i hate myself.” rafe mumbles, but accepts your help standing up. you guide him inside, not even worried about shutting the doors behind you, just focused on getting him upstairs and in bed.

“you have to break up with me.” rafe says, feet slowly shuffling down the hallway. “im going to ruin your life-” you ignore his words, blocking out whatever he was saying as you steer him into your bedroom.

“rafe, stop please.” you cut him off from continuing to speak. “i’m not going anywhere. we can talk in the morning when you have a clearer head, okay?”

rafe nods, leaning forward and pressing his lips to your forehead. “i’m so glad you’re home.” “me too.” you press your face into his chest before pulling away to tug the blankets down, watching as rafe flops down, his head immediately lolling to the side. you sit down on the bed, stroking over his hair as you watch for his breathing to change, only standing up when you are sure that he is asleep.

you gather everything on your bedside table that rafe will need in the morning, finishing it off with a tall glass of water. you’ve learned from his previous binges what he needs, you’re just relieved all he did this time was drink.

you finally get to climb into bed, sighing deeply as your head hits the pillow. you move closer to rafe until your body is pressed up against his.

rafe mumbles something you can’t make out and turns, resting his head against your chest. you smile and wrap your arms around him, holding him close, knowing this is what he needs at this moment.

“i love you.” rafe whispers.

“i love you too.” you press a kiss to the top of his head. “i love you and i’m gonna be here for you no matter what, don’t you forget that.”

#rafe cameron imagine #rafe cameron fic #rafe fic #rafe cameron fanfic #rafe cameron x reader #rafe x reader #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe fanfic #rafe cameron one shot #rafe cameron x you #rafe cameron angst #rafe angst #rafe imagine

[heartss4matthewq]

NOTHING TURNS TO SOMETHING (pt.2)

contains: smut, dom!chris,choking,fem!reader, fluffy at the end

———————————————————————

“what?”

“you heard me”

our mouths smashed into eachother with no hesitation

“i want you, chris”

“all you had to do was ask” he smirked at me

my hands were tugging at his shirt signaling what i wanted

“so, so needy”

i whined in response

in one swift motion my bottoms were off and chris was on top of me

chris pressed his hard-on onto my clothed pussy earning an impatient whine from me

“fuck, ma you see what you do to me?”

a quiet moan escaped my lips

“chris- please-“

“please what?” he teased

“touch me chris, make me yours”

he pushed my panties to the side and ran his fingers through my slick folds

“you’re so pretty like this under me, y/n” he said while smirking and looking down at me.

as he pulled his boxers off, his dick sprung out of his pants and hit his stomach.

“thats not gonna fit chris” i said while laughing lightly.

“I‘ll make it fit”

i lifted up slightly so i could take my underwear off.

he started kissing my neck and pulling off my shirt.

I moaned in his ear and kissed him once again.

chris looked so good in this state.

“so pretty, baby”

He looked at me with lust-filled eyes grabbing my waist

he ran his dick through my folds slowly pushing inside my walls.

“Oh- oh fuck so tight”

i bit my lip trying to hide the moans that were trying to escape.

“i wanna hear your pretty sounds, baby”

He grabbed my boobs with both of his hands and then sucked on them

with that i let out a loud moan, hoping matt and nick weren’t hearing us.

“Yes, fuckkkk! right there”

He started to gently rub my clit with his two fingers.

“i c-can’t holy shittt”

the sounds of his grunts and me gasping for air fill the room.

“take it baby” he groans out wrapping his hand around my throat

“baby” i clenched around him at that word

he pumps himself as deep as he can go in me.

“mmh~ fuck c-chris” i breathe out.

he smirks to himself.

he thrusts himself into me faster and rougher hitting my g-spot almost every time.

my moans grow louder the closer I got, it’s like music to chris’s ears.

he knows i’m close so he starts rubbing my clit again.

i start forming incoherent sentences because the pleasure is so overwhelming.

“come on baby i know you’re close, cum with me”

with that, i let out a loud moan releasing all over chris.

chris was still riding out his high. thrusts getting faster and sloppier

“shittt” he pulls out and cums all over my stomach

he rolls over and lays beside me.

“fuck chris that was so good” i said laying on his chest.

“so i’m not bad at sex” he says chuckling

“yeah mya doesn’t know what she’s missing out on tbh”

we got cleaned up and headed to the shower

we got into some pjs and chris handed me a shirt and some boxers.

Then we got into bed again.

“Do you like wanna cuddle?“ he asked me with this cute smile on his face.

“yes of course.“

We both started to get really tired and fell

asleep.

10:45 AM

The next morning i woke up in chris bed without him.

“what the fuck” i whispered to myself

just when i was going to get up nick and matt came through the door

“oh hey, thanks for cheering my brother up last night” matt said with a wink

“oh my. u heard that?” i said a little embarrassed

“yeah we fucking did literally threw up”

“oh umm yeah anyway where’s chris”

“he went out to the store or some shit it’s way too early so i said im not driving him anywhere so he got an uber i guess”

“i’m back” chris had flowers and a poster board that said (be my girlfriend?)

“oh and here’s apology chocolates for you and matt”

———————————————————————

i hope this was good bc i genuinely can’t write smut. SORRRYYY that it took so long to post anyway should i make a series??

#chris sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo smut #sturniolo triplets smut #spotify

[bunnimatsu]

Now what about dom Matsus 😈

im tryna clear out my inbox so, thank you anon for this one!

tag(s): nothing too hardcore but if it’s too much for you, i’m sorry!, lowkey cringe, nsfw, dom matsus, not really edited and its basically just me horny talking and pulling it out of my ass, brat tamer karamatsu (that one’s for you @thebardisabird and @squidzza , I DID IT)

i tried to finish this as fast as i could.

osomatsu, who’s absolutely merciless when it comes to pounding you. he’ll grip your hips and slam himself into you over and over again, never slowing his pace down as wanton cries leave your lips. when you throw your head back in ecstasy, a smirk forms on his lips. he leans down and nearly whispers in your ear: “yeah you like that? tell oso how it feels…~ say it~” and when you can only let out cries and whimpers, his hand comes down on the fat of your ass and thighs while demanding you say who’s making you feel this good.

karamatsu, who’s a brat tamer. he’s the second oldest. he has younger brothers who get on his fucking nerves, you think he has time for YOUR shit, [name]? imagine: you’ve spent a looong time dragging him around the mall and doing things YOU wanted but the one time he wanted to do something, you whined a little and said no. kara had it rough the day prior and he thought shopping with you today would ease his mind but that little stunt made him snap. he grabbed your chin and tilted it up to look at him, his eyes a darker brown than you originally thought. he looked mean… “darling…i’ve spent so long trying to please you today…just like how you deserve..but the one time i ask for something i want…i get a no and a whine.. i’m very tired, cherie…” you’ve never seen him like this before and to be honest, it made you squirm a little. “you’re going into this store and shutting that pretty little mouth…understood?”

and that was the night karamatsu absolutely rocked your shit. hands tied to the bed post and having no mercy on your pretty body.

choromatsu, who no longer gets nervous around you and started to show the strict side of him. at first, he was always careful when it came down to spending a night with him. gentle caresses and slow yet nervous kisses down your body, asking ‘i-is that okay..?’. you loved it, sure, but you wanted more. you knew what choromatsu was capable of, especially when it comes down to being mean. you see it when he’s badgering at his brothers, yelling at them for being lazy pieces of shit and…ordering them around. to be honest, it was kind of sexy. he was a little shocked when you asked him if he can apply that kind of behavior in bed but he didn’t oppose to it. so naturally, you found yourself facing a mirror while you were sat on his lap, bouncing on his cock. his hands made their way up to your chest to tweak your nipples and when you tilt your head back in pleasure, he firmly grabs your cheeks and makes you look into the mirror again. “don’t look away. i told you not to look away.”

ichimatsu, who always has to have you bound. gagged, on a good day. he puts you in positions you didn’t even know existed and it leaves your poor muscles sore the next day. ichi loves to get rough with you, treating you like you’re his prey while he’s the predator. your entire body would always be covered in bruises and bite marks and it makes him always smirk in pride. he always leaves your legs shaking, whether he’s drilling into your sopping wet pussy or driving his tongue deep into you, hoping to get more and more of your sweet essence. more. ichi wants more of you. and he’ll do anything to get it.

jyushimatsu, who pins you against anything and everything. there isn’t a single piece of furniture in your house that’s untouched by you and him. he’ll have sex with you at any chance he gets if you ask him. he’ll hold you up against the wall, his biceps flexing a bit in his compression long sleeve as he pistons his hips into yours. the usual wide-mouthed smile he has on his face is replaced with a look of concentration, focused on your body and how it reacts to his touch. but that also quickly fades back to his smile as he looks at you and laughs almost joyously, “am i making you feel good?”

todomatsu, who loves to tease you. light feather touches as you sit in your chair at the mixer he took you to. you knew what he was doing, and by god, did it make you squirm a bit. it all started because atsushi was sat across from you. you were just being friendly to the guy, chatting like how you normally would. but todomatsu hated that. he didn’t like the way his ‘friend’ looked at you. only he was allowed to look at you like that, why were you letting him? and then you felt it. todomatsu’s hands gently rubbing your thigh. you looked down at his hand then up at him, moving your leg away then going back to talking to atsushi. mistake #1. he didn’t like that, so he took it a bit further. when atsushi started talking to the others at the table, you felt your boyfriend’s hand dip between your thighs, brushing against your heat slightly. you jerked forward and played it off as something else when atsushi asked if you were okay. todomatsu retracted his hand as if nothing happened, giving you a stupid coy smile. that night when you two went home, your legs were immediately spread open while he worked the vibrator against your aching cunt. you cried for forgiveness as you made a mess for what seemed like the hundredth time. he smiled sadistically as he cooed at you. “i don’t think you really are sorry~”

—————————————————————————

and that’s that!

sorry if it’s underwhelming, writing’s still not my strong suit.

anyway, i have to tell you guys agaaiiinnn, my ask box regarding writing is closed so please, don’t send me stuff unless i say otherwise 🥹

other than that, love ya!

- jarvis <3

#jarvis.fics #osomatsu san #mr. osomatsu x reader #osomatsu san imagines #osomatsu san smut #mr. osomatsu smut #osomatsu #karamatsu #choromatsu #ichimatsu #jyushimatsu #todomatsu

[whatthefishh]

Hi Mona <33

You're so cooool (and im proud of you in case you havent heard yet!!!)

Okay so exams are killing me even though they actually haven't STARTED yet its just the prep and the stress yknow!!! Anyway you also know I'm very much a slut for Rydal and the way you write him bc uhh he's just so fcuking fine and I love your writing!!

I know you aren't doing drabbles right now but would you spare this desperate and tired soul a few cutie pie Ryda hcs. Just a few smol cute ones abt his soft caring and hnghgnghgng during the high stress school seasons (yeah im projecting whatever.)

ANYWAY!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

-Clem <333

Hi cutie

Thank you 🥺 and WDYM COOL LMAOO

Exams and exam prep can be super stressful, hope you’re taking care of yourself sweetie. I can definitely spare some Rydal HCs, and I know @campingwiththecharmings @xbellaxcarolinax and @melodygatesauthor have been asking me to drop stuff for our fave nepo baby hehehe

Random Rydal HCs:

Going out for something as simple as a drive isn’t just going for a drive with Rydal. The man puts on cologne and special sunglasses that he says work better for driving but you know it’s bullshit, he just thinks he looks cooler with them on in his vintage and unnecessarily expensive car.

Is the boyfriend that puts his hand on your thigh while driving. Buys you a drinkie drink and critiques your DJ skills loudly and rudely.

A trip to the mall usually means you have to block off a whole afternoon for it. Rydal tries on more clothes than you thought was possible, requesting certain cuts from the retail workers that you don’t even recognize. He definitely tries to fuck you in the changing rooms when the staff leaves you alone, claiming he could make it worth it for you to sit through his little fashion show.

You let him.

The first time you take Rydal thrift shopping he refuses to touch anything in the store. You think he’s mad at you for how little he speaks and how he glared at you when you ask him if the top you’re holding up would look good on you.

To make up for it, he forces you to get a pedicure with him. You thought he was joking but he’s dead serious, his face growing more irritated when you tell him you’ve never had one, opting to save your money and take care of them yourself. He scoffs and essentially drags you by the wrist (why does that action alone have your knees knocking together—) to the salon and picking out your colour for you. You feel quite pretty after you can’t deny but the memory of his face dropping never fails to make you laugh.

Playing board games with Rydal meant screaming matches that ended with the board game toppled over and his lips pressed against yours angrily

Movie nights found you both ripping on the movie choice of the night, commenting almost through the whole thing and making claims of what you’d change, what he thinks would’ve been a smarter decision of the main characters, taking sides and arguing them whole heartedly as if the people in the films and their actions had a direct connection to your lives

Sometimes Rydal would come over while you were in the shower. Sometimes he’d join you, finding it hilarious that you thought he was a serial killer but soon distracting you by dropping to his knees for you.

Sleepovers found you either on opposite sides of the bed or breathing in each other’s skin, arms holding the other close, legs tangled. The nights you spent laying with him were usually the sweetest mornings. Sometimes he’d wake you up with kisses, borderline ticklish movements, not letting up even while you squealed for him to stop. He didn’t let up until he pulled peals and peals of laughter from you, sharing syrupy kisses after and causing early morning butterflies to stir as your heart swelled with affection.

These were extremely random and scatter brained and I’m sorry because I really should be sleeping but I love him so much and I miss him and I promise I’ll work on my WIP soon ❤️ love ya

#inbox 💌 #Clem tag #yes this is about rydal keener #rydal keener fanfiction #rydal keener x you #rydal keener x reader #rydal keener #rydal keener fluff #mona’s 1k #stay awake with me #oxford comma fic

[sl33ps4turn]

im tired im tired im tired im tired

it is an ache that echoes deep in my chest and ive been felling the pulses of sound for years. it will never stop ringing, i will never be free. but i dont even want to because it would feel too empty without it and i wouldnt know what to do with myself, i dont even know what that would feel like but god im tired im so so tired and nobody can tell and i cant find the words to express it to translate those pulses into speech and get some fucking assistance over here

but no no no cant have meds because all i need apparently is just suck it up and let it go and use coping mechanisms to cope and cope and cope until fucking die because its not that bad and you just want to get doped up and hope it fixes your problems.

well excuse me if im tired of this.

excuse me if its been so long that i dont even remember what it felt like to not feel like this and i thought it was better to feel nothing because the anger sorrow despair was horrible, but this is a whole new evil. its fucking agonizing. at least even if it felt horrible i could feel and now even sorrow feels like a relief because at least its something and i feel thankful.

i feel thankful that its gotten so bad that my brain allowed me to feel and the worst part is that theres whispers in my mind tell my its not that bad because youve been worse. youve dont have it as bad. you can get up in the morning and get dressed and go outside and smile at the cashier in the grocery store. you can sit on the phone with your friends and help them. you can do your school work. you can pay attention during class. you can get apply for jobs. you can take care of yourself. you can do all of that, you are capable of it.

but every step feels draining all the time and i cant muster the energy or the motivation to see the point. whats the fucking point it. i can run it over in my head over and over, endless lists of reason as to why i should give a shit but nothing clicks.

i wondered why its suddenly been so hard over the past few years and i realized that my shitty way of maintaining my drive is gone. ive grown numb. its always been hard but i had the gut wrenching fear and anxiety to push me into action, or else, and i thought that was just how i worked and i was fine but now thats gone and im at a loss

im fucking drowning because im out of my depth. its that sudden fear when youre swimming in the ocean and the floor just drops and you cant see beneath you and thats not supposed to happen and god knows what could be lurking beneath

theres no shiny resolution, theres no tidy conclusion

its just ragged tattered remains of a kid who got dealt a shitty hand and now im left to pick up the pieces and put them back together with popsicle sticks, spit, and a wish for hope thats draining by the second

im tired im tired im tired im tired

[gravitycoil]

Dream of 2/3/23

I was at a massive fishing tournament (?) at sea on a wooden raft (literally just a plank of wood in the sea) I wasn't getting anything so I decided to actually go into the ocean and look for fish to catch with my bare hands I had a radar device on my wrist that detected fish nearest to me. I was catching trout, pike, salmon, and small fish until they all swim away very scared like and in panic I turn around from what they were running from and there's a giant fucking bloop whale just chilling there but it scared the shit out of me because it wanted to eat me. I go back to my sad little raft and just sit there hoping it doesn't come up to the surface. It eventually swims away or whatever and I keep the fish I caught in a cooler. I fish some more and this time my line snaps and I go in the water to retrieve my hook and I somehow end up getting it stuck in my cheek and I'm just swimming around with blood pouring out of my cheek and this attracts both the whale and a shark and I'm like HELL I don't remember what happened after that.

Dream shift

Was at home about to play a game on the GameCube and there's a storm that hits or something and it was weird cause it was not a storm at all, and no forecast said there was supposed to be rain, so everyone was confused. I'm like, looking online trying to figure out what it is and there's this EAS that plays on the TV that's like. Do not go outside. Radioactive waste raining down. And I was like wtf... And so. I open the door just to look outside and the sky was white and it was freezing. I could smell the 'rain' it smelled exactly like vanilla and I remember saying in the dream "Why does it smell like vanilla" and my mom was like, we gotta leave we gotta get some stuff and I was like "What about the Vanilla Radiation" and she was like, no we're immune it doesnt do much to us and I was like??? ok. We go to like... the store and everywhere is practically closed and there's like no one outside. There was one store open and they were like "oh I don't believe in this radiation stuff, come in" and we're in there doing shopping or whatever and eventually the power goes out. and there's like a stampede of people trying not to get rained on trying to get inside any place they could and I remember smelling so much vanilla that it sort of worked like some form of gas and was tiring everyone out and I was getting fatigued, I like steal a bunch of clothes from the store to tie around my nose and mouth and I stopped feeling like passing out, Everyone around us was like passed out on the floor and we just like.. leave without paying anything.

Dream shift

Had just gotten home from a trip or something and it was my birthday and everyone was like. Acting like they haven't seen me in a decade or whatever and I look around and fucking. spy is there and I'm like. wh. what are you doing here and he just puffs smoke in my face WHAT THE HELL!! Im like talking to everyone and we have to go back in the car or something and while we're all in the driveway we hear groaning from the woods and we all look at each other and theres just like. a zombie man walking towards us and I'm like. holy shit. The zombie had a crowbar like... inside him and I yank it out and hit him like 20 times in the head, more started to come out and we all rush into the car. Also medic is there now kmhdaayk I'm in the back of the car and I'm like go go go!!! and we start driving and it gets quiet and there's a fucking tank that lifts our car up and like bashes it's head thru the bottom of the car and he bites me. that fuckers bite hurt like a fucking snapping turtle someone shoots it or something cause now it's just gone and I'm panicking and holding my wound trying to stop the bleeding and medic Infront of me goes, we're immune nothing really bad will happen I promise and Im just trying to stay awake listening to him I say something like "What if I turn? How do you know we're immune" and he gives this speech I don't remember what it was but eventually he says "No offense but your IQ is too low to do anything too dangerous as a Tank" (DAMNNN OK WHAT DO YOU MEAN FUCK U) And I'm like. starting to turn and he goes from :) to :( I'm like starting to growl at everyone and everyone is just like FIGHT IT TRY AND FIGHT IT!! so I'm like... midway of fully turning and like trying to fight control over this infection I don't remember anything past that but what... the hell...

#post #beyond the tomb

[babyloniastreasure]

oh boy

I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I think I’m okay enough, regularly enough, to be able to work, but at the same time i know i absolutely am not okay enough

working puts so much extra stress on my body in ways that I dont ever have to deal with during recovery. just because I’m finally okay enough to do a daily task for ten minutes at home doesn’t mean I’ll be okay doing a daily task four hours into an eight hour shift at work.

i so very badly want to be capable. but rushing into it when there’s a good chance i’ll fuck up my entire ONGOING recovery back to square one from one or two shifts would only prove i’m truly not capable after all. and its not even me making excuses. i know what i can and can’t do, and i know my limits. im not well enough to work. i dont know when i’ll ever be well enough. IF i’ll ever recover.

but shit dude like. im damn near thirty years old and i can’t even afford a $50 bill each month for hormones. let alone my phone bill or groceries or utilities or RENT. or things I’ve been hurting for for these last two years, like socks because all of mine have holes in them, or a second pair of pants. never mind things that i want that would make life a little more bearable--video games or figures or a new book. hell i can’t even go to the dollar store and pick up a new pencil without stressing about how i’m going to get a replacement dollar by next month. every single cent is precious. i can’t afford to use even a single one

like i’m lucky enough to be able to live at home with my dad, who does support me and understands my position, but shit. i don’t LIKE that he pays for everything. i really wish i could help with all these costs, but i can’t

and aside from the helplessness of not being able to help him out, life is just so...utterly stagnant this way. i can’t drive, but even if i did it’s not like i can afford gas to GO anywhere. i don’t have any local friends. i don’t have any outlets. i watch my sister succeed and make all kinds of money from putting in two seconds worth of effort toward something i’ve been striving to earn success at for years to no avail (art). i can’t work. i have nothing, man. i’ve been stuck in this same spot for a decade. i feel so hopeless and helpless and useless and pathetic and tired

but there’s nothing i can do to change it

no amount of optimism can change the fact that my body can’t handle my ONLY way out of this. i need income. i cant work. nobody wants my art or my skills. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

#jask is rambling #Im Feeling It Mister Krabs

[sore-child]

I always wonder if the people closest to me think about me the way I think about them.

Today has been a fuck for brain. Went basically all day head empty but feeling generally bad and now that I'm in bed allllll the bad thoughts are here. Lately I feel so not thought of by anyone. Not in a "they hate me" way but more of a "I have something better to do/someone better to talk to" way. And I hope I'm wrong and that it's just my brain doing stupid shit again. But fuck I hate this shit. I have an appointment with a new psych on Monday, I should maybe get my list of actual symptoms and not feelings. I want to feel better so badly.... And now all of a sudden I got that sudden hit of hyper awareness. Like I feel weird that I'm laying here typing this out ?? Like I feel like I shouldn't?? I can't tell if I'm overreacting? I'm not sure what I feel but I know it's bad. Maybe it has to do with all the shit I've been seeing of people cheating, both just random internet posts and I watched a fuck ton of Maury last night. Well I guess it's two nights ago now. And then the Julian and Terra thing. Like I want Julian to be happy but I get major bad vibes off what they told me about Terra. Gives me major Brian vibes. Plus I've still been feeling ugly and undesirable as a whole. That's a feeling that never goes away but it's amplified right now. Maybe it's the heat?? Also it was just a full moon in Sagittarius so maybe that has something to do with how I'm feeling? I don't know I'm just so confused and I feel like shit. I want to go somewhere fun to get my mind off it. I wish I could drive so I could just go to Walmart or the mall or somewhere I've never even been before. I really want these stores across the street to open soon because I really want a job. Im so tired of sitting at home doing nothing. I could work at one of those gas stations but those ones make me feel so closed in. I'm afraid I'm gonna have a whole meltdown because of it. Plus I'm so fucking huge I feel like I will constantly knock stuff over and break stuff. If I found like a bus that puts me directly by somewhere I would work that would be cool. But I can't even think of anywhere. Target would be cool but they never fucking hire anyone with no experience. I remember applying there a few years ago and literally the next day they said no. Ulta or Sally's would be cool but I think you need a cosmetology license to work at either of them. I wish Daystar could have been able to hire me quickly. I wish the mission would take people with no experience plus the one boss guy that was there in 2018 was such an asshole to the girl working there. And starship earth would be perfect for me but she never hires anyone except sometimes around holidays...god I'm fucking ranting but also another reason I might feel like garbage is because of the stress over Tori. My mom pisses me off so fucking much and I'm dreading going to this fucking work dinner thing with her on Tuesday. But if I don't go she will know I'm avoiding her and I don't want to add on to all the shit just over a dinner. I would rather it be over something worth it.

It's posts like this that make me wonder if I have BPD ?? I really really really don't want it. I'm not an angry person but basically everything else about it seems to add up. I don't wanna be a manic pixie dream girl. I just want to be normal 😭 God my brain keeps switching up and now I specifically have the part in without love by Alice Glass where she says "am I worth it or am I worthless? Will I ever figure it out?". I go for months not remembering that song and then it pops into my mind when I'm feeling like shit about myself and I don't even have to hear it. I don't even remember the last time I heard it. I'm so tiiiiiired. I have to make myself sleep, I hate staying up past when the sun comes up.

[arcaneyouth]

~

#vent post #negative #food hell #yknow those posts like 'why do i feel so grumpy and tired and horrible (<- hasnt eaten in 18 hours}' #me rn. except i had no fucking choice. #i ate 4 pieces of chocolate for breakfast #and i was feeling nauseous during dinner so i didnt eat much then #ive felt like im going to cry and scream and explode for several hours now #i finally found something to eat and now i feel better and worse #better in the fact that im not hungry anymore and my emotions feel like theyre under control again #and worse in the fact that there was nothing i could do to prevent this. #the only reason i found something to eat is because mom brought snack foods home from her weekend vacation. #if she hadnt done that id have nothing. #maybe now that moms home dad will go grocery shopping. i cant do this again. i cant. #feel so fucking helpless when it comes to food. #i cant even illegally drive to the grocery store myself cause dad has to move his car in order to get my car out of the driveway #and i dont have my license yet so its. yknow. illegal. and dad would never allow that. #i cant order doordash during the day since im terrified of having to explain myself if i get caught with it #so i just. theres nothing i can do. i cant do anything to make this Not Happen. im completely fucked. #im just going to end up being grumpy and angry and hungry every day until mom and dad realize were out of food.

[gingeraleluke]

𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲

𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: vinnie hacker x fem!influencer!reader

𝘀𝘆𝗻𝗼𝗽𝘀𝗶𝘀: y/n can’t seem to get along with mia, and it divides vinnie and thomas. maybe all they need to do is fight it out…

𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: swearing, drama, and some mentions of violence

𝗔/𝗡: here you have it; the first part of the hype house blurbs im doing! enjoy besties. THIS IS FICTION!! I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MIA <3

interviews/confessionals are in bold! (y/z/s: your zodiac sign)

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

while living at the hype house was perceived as ritzy clothes and cars with parties and endless fun, the truth is that sometimes it sucked.

like, really sucked.

y/n was a beauty influencer who posted mainly on youtube. whenever she did post on tiktok, it was usually just thirst traps or videos of her showing off her wardrobe, nothing necessarily ‘hype house’ worthy.

in fact, the only reason she was in the hype house was because of her boyfriend, vinnie hacker. after vinnie had joined, he immediately became tired of the constant arguing him and mia would have. she didn’t like how y/n was always there when she wasn’t even a part of the hype house, but when vinnie explained that he needed her there for him to sleep at night, mia still didn’t give a fuck. it wasn’t until he gave thomas an ultimatum, that they let her stay there, and honestly? y/n had no idea that the whole conversation was even going on, so when vinnie texted her saying ‘you are gonna move in with me here :)’ she was completely caught off guard— yet, wasn’t complaining.

“ughhh, i’m too lazy.” y/n whined. she was sprawled down on the bed in vinnie’s room, appearing in the corner of his camera for the stream to see. she wore an unreleased purgatory hoodie and some sweats, and her hair was up in a bun.

she was currently on the phone with her best friend larri, who was begging her to come see him, but she was just not feeling like it. “come on!”

“i will if you buy me a smoothie.”

“girl? what the fuck—okay fine.” y/n cheered at his reply and quickly slid on some slides while hanging up.

“vinnie, vinnie’s stream?” she called, gaining her boyfriends attention. he rolled his chair around to face her.

“yeah?”

“i’m going to see larri. we are gonna go get smoothies. i should be back soon.” she wrapped an arm around his side, looking down at the still seated boy.

“okay, have fun.” she leaned down and kissed him before grabbing her keys and saying goodbye to his stream. he was in the middle, or well, near the end of his 24hr stream that he was doing. he had been planing on it for weeks and finally got up to it. having the netflix crew there was definitely difficult while streaming, but thankfully they never really went in vinnie’s room, unless it was for b-roll footage or if someone else was up there.

a camera guy followed y/n out of the house and to her car, cheering about how she finally would get her favorite flavored smoothie after being so voracious about it. it wasn’t quaint for the crew to follow her places. it hadn’t been too long before they decided to join her simple drives late at night. she was a huge fan of late night drives where she could buy whatever snacks she had been craving, or even just walk around some stores while they weren’t busy. it was easier that way for her, and she had less chances of being noticed.

meanwhile, vinnie was streaming when he received a rotten message from mia, thomas’ girlfriend. usually, she was somewhat stern and bitchy, but vinnie had never received a message from her, as nasty as this one. he hurriedly apologized to the viewers, and made his way downstairs to get mia off of his back.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

a humorous y/n, stumbled in through the door of the hype house, holding her banana smoothie and her phone that was currently on facetime with larri. after laughing at something he said, she looked over to see vinnie walking up the staircase. she said goodbye to larri and followed her boyfriend up the stairs, confused as to why he wasn’t streaming. the camera man followed her.

when she entered the room, she saw that vinnie had his stream on pause while a ‘we’ll be right back’ animation played on repeat. “hey.”

“why aren’t you streaming?” she observed how somewhat annoyed and out of breath he was.

“mia.” he smiled, frustratedly. his body dropped into the chair as he waited for y/n to reply to him.

“what do you mean, mia?”

y/n wasn’t a big fan of mia.

now, it wasn’t like she hated the girl, but she definitely couldn’t stand being around her at times. they were highly incompatible and never really saw things eye to eye, but she couldn’t say anything about it. everyone had their problems with mia, but only one ever stood up to her for it, and he ended up getting kicked out of the house after mia complained to thomas. every once and a while, mia would piss her off to the point of explosion. like a lie detector test going off, with the little pointer wiggling up and down frantically, until it gets so fast that the whole damn machine crashes. mia was like that. she was a lie in the detector of the hype house and y/n was a liar. sometimes, it felt like if y/n didn’t stand up to her, then nobody would.

vinnie laughed at her expression and pulled out his phone for her to read. she knew his passcode (he had shown her before and she’d borrow his phone to play games on sometimes) so she typed it in and swiped over to his messages and clicked on the ‘mia’ tab, reading through what she had said to him.

vinnie heard her scoff and watched her expression as she finished through the messages. “did you throw it away?”

“no! i went down to do it, i was gonna do it, and then she just freaked out on me so i said fuck this and went back upstairs.” anger fumed out of y/n’s ears and she kept her jaw clenched tight enough to split her teeth. “took away like fifteen minutes of my stream, bro.”

looking up from his phone, she saw vinnie backed up in his gaming chair with his hands behind his head. “i’ll handle this—“

“wait, y/n—“

“no, babe. you-you get back to the stream. i’ll go fuck shit up.” she slid off her shoes, and put on her slides.

“what are you going to do?”

“i’m gonna tell her not to speak to my boyfriend like that.” she could hear vinnie chuckle nervously at her words. “i’m serious, i’m gonna go the fuck off on her, vin. she’s been driving me crazy since we got here, and it’s like, since the cameras are here, i thought she would be somewhat calmer, but she isn’t. fucking ridiculous.”

“be careful!” she leaned down and puckered her lips, signaling for vinnie to kiss her. with a ‘mwah’ sound, he pecked her on the lips, causing his lips to shine from the gloss she was wearing.

“i will.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

y/n sat down on the chair, with a loud and frustrated groan. “so, basically, vinnie is in the middle—or well, no, sorry—towards the end of his 24hr stream that he’s been doing, and he gets a text from the demon downstairs, mia, who was extremely fucking rude to him, and im like…the fuck?” she twirled her hand and kept an amused smile on her face.

“like, how are you going to speak to someone that way, someone who is literally in the middle of something that will help get money to pay for the fucking house, like? it just—it makes no sense. i know that i need to be careful with what i say, but mark my words, netflix; if she tries anything with me, i will fight that bitch. i love her, but i’ll fight her.” she laughed.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

y/n stomped down the stairs of the hype house, calling mia’s name. mia was sitting on one of the chairs near the kitchen, watching something on tv. multiple cameras were waiting for y/n, as if they knew some shit was going to go down.

“there you are.”

“mmh.” mia hummed, not even bothering to look at the girl. she pulled out her phone and y/n walked into the kitchen.

“so you yelled at vinnie?”

“no, i didn’t yell at him, but yeah.”

“over this?”

she pointed at a paper plate that was left on the counter. it had held vinnie’s pizza from when they had ordered it a few hours ago. vinnie had to hurry his ass down there to eat one before people took them all, and make his way back to the stream in time. the thing that got her, wasn’t that mia was so pissed off over a paper plate, but the fact that there were two paper plates on the counter.

“yes.” mia stated, her tone laced with annoyance.

“okay, so…” she scoffed, turning back to face mia, “why didn’t you just throw it away? why’d you have to make it this big deal and have vinnie stop his stream for this?”

“because, he needs to grow the fuck up and pick up after himself. you weren’t gonna tell him, so i did.”

“that’s not even your job though, and isn’t this plate your boyfriends?”

“yeah.”

“so…but—thomas is outside by the pool right now while his plate is sitting on the counter, so why are you bitching at vinnie for something that your boyfriend is also doing? and vinnie’s working right now, so if anything, you should be yelling at thomas.”

“no, because i keep thomas in check, that’s what you’re supposed to do for vinnie, y/n.”

“they’re not dogs, mia.”

“i know that.”

“okay…” y/n felt like she was getting nowhere and the way mia was speaking to her was pissing her off even more. “so do you want to tell me why you went all freak show on vinnie?” she leaned across the counter, mia seated on the other side of her so that whenever she looked up, she was forced to look at y/n.

“no, i don’t need to because it’s none of your business.”

this bitch.

“it is my business when you call my boyfriend ‘ignorant’ and talk to him as if you’re his mother, because i know vinnie is too nice to say something to you, so what happens is that i have to come down here and get you to listen to me, which you clearly are barely even doing since you haven’t made eye contact with me once and you’re all over your fucking phone.” she kept her voice calm and tried to be as approachable as possible.

but mia didn’t even budge.

fuming, y/n got up and threw vinnie’s plate away, the sound of the trashcan closing broke mia out of her phone.

“did you really just throw that away?” mia raised her voice, dropping her phone on the counter.

“yes.”

“you’re not his mother, y/n.”

“neither are you, mia! yet, you try to do whatever you can to control his life and what he does with it to remind him and remind fucking all of us, how much power you have in this house. it’s just a fucking power game to you, talking to us like we aren’t literal kids and like nothing we do is ever good enough, and then you go and bitch at your boyfriend and kouvr about how everyone fucking hates you and hates being around you— gee! i wonder why?!”

“don’t fucking yell at me.”

“you raised your voice first, mia! you fucking yelled at vinnie when he stopped in the middle of his stream to come please you. you’re the problem!” she pointed at mia, waving her hands in the air to exaggerate her words.

“i’m the problem?”

“yes! yes! you are the problem.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“now, it’s not like i want to be the ‘big bad monster’ of the house, but…i just can’t not tell someone the truth. especially when everyone else is too scared to say or do something… like i just—i’m gonna be the person and take one for the team.” y/n spoke to the camera.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“y/n, no one in this house ever does anything! i have to listen to thomas cry over how fucking stressed he is because everything is a joke to you all!”

“WE ARE KIDS! everything is supposed to be a joke to us, you just try and make us fucking content machines that you can control and use for profit, when we aren’t! we are human, mia! that’s why you’re fucking trip efforts never work, why people get into cliques, why alex broke his toe— because we are fucking people! with lives! lives outside of this house! and when you attack us for small and stupid shit and make us feel bad about it and then belittle the work that we do get done, it makes it not even worth it! you’re never going to be happy with us if you keep that mindset, never! you act all high and fucking mighty, as if you’ve never forgot to throw away a fucking paper plate, bitch please.”

“you and vinnie don’t do content! this is a content house and you don’t put the work in!”

“we do!” y/n cut her off, “we do make content! it’s just not the content you’re fucking used to! if it’s not a tiktok dance, you don’t see it as content! bro, vinnie just did a 24 hour stream and you don’t even see it as that, you just see it as him playing video games all day and that’s not it! i just filmed a grwm yesterday and it already has almost three million views, yet i haven’t heard a single good thing from you or thomas about it.”

“oh please, y/n! the only reason you’re here is because vinnie is in love with you—“

“the only reason YOU’RE here is because thomas is in love with you! i do more for this house than you do, mia! so don’t even fucking try and act like you do shit, you don’t.”

“don’t talk to me like that—“

“after the way you disrespected me and vinnie? i’ll talk to you however i want, mia.”

“mmhmm, just wait until thomas finds out—“

“oh, go fuck yourself.” and with that, y/n stomped back up stairs, not even caring about the consequences of what she said. as she went up the stairs, she muttered a loud “i hope they got all that shit on camera for the doc.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“i don’t regret anything i said.” y/n shook her head, looking at the interviewer.

“i mean..over a paper plate? she’s gonna talk to me and vinnie that way, over a paper plate? nah.” she looked down at her nails before speaking again.

“i mean, i just hope that she’s nicer tomorrow and that this all blows over but i can’t promise to keep my hands to myself if she starts shit tomorrow.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“do you think that y/n meant well?”

“oh yeah, i mean she’s always gonna be there to support me and protect me, even if i tell her not to or don’t worry about it, she’ll do it. i don’t know exactly what she said, but i’m sure it wasn’t anything too bad…hopefully.” vinnie gave an anxious smile at the interviewer.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

TWO DAYS LATER

y/n ran into larri’s room and plopped herself down on the big bean bag, pulling down her shirt and letting her legs swing behind her. larri sat on the couch, playing with his nails.

“oh my god, dude. i honestly feel like thursday was imaginary…like..i can’t-“ she giggled at how larri’s mouth dropped. “i cannot believe.” she put her head in her hands and shook her head, laughing.

“why, why? what happened?!” larri had only heard some of the story from nikita, which she probably heard about from mia so it most likely painted y/n out as the bad guy, knowing mia.

“i went off on mia, like…i..did not hold back.” she made a ‘nope’ motion with her hands and continued laughing. the whole situation was amusing to her and she still couldn’t comprehend how stupid it was. “i went off, like— i was this close—“ she pinched her fingers until they were nearly touching, “to slapping a hoe, for real. like i could not hold back that night.”

“oh…my god, are you serious?” his eyes and mouth were wide open and his whole body froze, all of his attention on her words. they both forgot about the cameras filming them and just gossiped the way they normally would.

“YES!”

“wait, so what happened?” he leaned forwards, his chin in his palm as he waited to hear the story.

“so basically,” y/n took a deep breath, “mia had texted vinnie saying that she was basically sick of his bullshit and like— just completely belittling everything that he’s ever done for this house, and she was like ‘if you’re not down here in .5 seconds, then there’s gonna be hell to pay.’”

“wait, whattt?” larri scoffed, his jaw dropped and his brows lowered.

“and she was mad because he…didn’t throw away a paper plate from when we got pizza…and i’m like..what the fuck? like, first of all, it’s re— you can just get up yourself and throw it away! like—“ she laughed along with larri, “it literally only takes like two seconds.”

“for real..”

“um..but then i went down there and—vinnie did, he did. he went down there to throw it away and vinnie said that she just starting bitching at him so he just..said ‘fuck this’ and went back upstairs.”

“wow..good for him, honestly. mia is on that bullshit.”

“so i went down there and larri, i kid you not..”

“oh god bitch.” he clutched onto his robe and began fanning himself, preparing for what y/n was about to tell him.

“there were two paper plates! and one of them was thomas’ and thomas was outside with…alex and kouvr by the fucking pool, and i’m like…” she scoffed.

“for real?”

“yeah! and it’s like…mia has the audacity to come at him? like..okay, whatever. so i told her…i asked her like what her deal was and she went off about how me and vinnie…do nothing in this house, how i shouldn’t even be here, um…and i basically told her like ‘you ain’t shit.’”

y/n laughed and stood up, grabbing the remote to larri’s tv. “i told her like, you better never talk to me like that again because for real, shits gonna get smacking. okay? i am not in the position to be fucked with. like…for real. and if you come at vinnie first, like…that’s gonna be an issue.”

“mmhm.” larri nodded, “damn girl—well, you better be careful because, you know mia is a leo. that girl can get a little feisty..”

“i know, i know she’s a leo, well i’m a y/z/s.” she muttered, scrolling through the movie catalog on tv.

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“i know that mia doesn’t..mean harm. i know that she means well, but she can really come across as just like…the worst.” she let out a small laugh, looking at the interviewer. she nervously played with the strings to her hoodie.

“like..no one ever really wants to have fun with her and i tried to be really close with her and kouvr but…they’re both already so bundled up that it’s like…i don’t feel like—i don’t feel like i can be around them without being ganged up on. and that’s not like me having insecurities or problems, it’s literally that they just talk about things and i have no idea what they are talking about and they don’t make any efforts to include me in anything. they always say ‘oh, well you’re always cooped up in vinnie’s room!’ but that’s because if i’m down there, they’re not gonna invite me to do stuff.”

she shook her head, sighing. “me and vinnie are always left out, i mean, there’s a few other people in this house who are too and it’s just so annoying when one second they really don’t give a shit about where we are or what we’re doing unless it’s making them money, and then the next second they complain that we don’t like to hang out with them. like, i tried to! it’s just frustrating and i think that mia’s situation is that she’s really…caring! so caring! and she feels like thomas needs to be protected and i think that she does whatever she can to eradicate anything in the house that could even remotely hurt thomas and his reputation and his life and where he’s headed..”

the interviewer nodded and motioned for her to continue. “and i think that she feels like it’s her responsibility when it isn’t so i know she means well and that she really doesn’t…hate anybody in the house? she doesn’t see how her actions affect people but i think that that boss mentality of being in charge of things, it’s just not her, like it doesn’t fit her.. and i just wish we could unwire that part of her brain because it’s the worst.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“i seriously wanna just like..” y/n made a punching action with her fist and grunted. “y’all don’t know but i used to play lacrosse, okay? i was athletic back in the day and trust me, i still know how to rumble.”

“rumble?” larri laughed, making fun of the word she used.

“yes! okay? i can rumble! i just really….i love mia, but i wanna beat the shit out of her so bad.. i wanna beat the shit out of her so bad and i can’t think of a way to do that without getting kicked out of the house.”

“well did thomas say anything about that night?”

“no, but i’m sure if i got physical, they’d 100% kick me out and maybe even vinnie.”

“does thomas even know?”

“yeah! well thomas and vinnie have been arguing. vinnie told me, he was like ‘he wouldn’t even look at me’,” she did her best vinnie impression. “i was just like…what the fuck? but every time vinnie would say or joke about something, he said that thomas would just randomly start arguing with him!”

“damn..”

“yeah, so i feel like..me and vinnie need an opportunity to beat the living shit out of them…in like a way that makes it look not suspicious, you know?”

“mmhmm, like a game.”

“yeah! exactly! a game, something that will let me and vinnie take it out…”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“me and larri have been brainstorming and we found a way for me to fight mia.” y/n showed the computer to the confessional camera, displaying the activity on the screen. “battle beam, motherfuckers.”

“yes, so i was wondering..are the sticks going to be hard?” she spoke to the gymnasium guy who was on speaker.

“no, they shouldn’t get any one hurt, don’t worry.”

“no, but i want it to hurt.”

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“WHOOO! triple date night! i wonder what we’re gonna do?!” vinnie played along, watching the confused looks on everyone’s faces as they made their way to the building.

y/n and vinnie had coerced alex, kouvr, mia and thomas to spend a ‘date night’ with them. the nights activity was of course a surprise, so when the door opened and they walked into a gymnasium with a foam pit and beam waiting for them, they were definitely confused.

“BATTLE BEAM! WHOOO!” vinnie cheered. alex cheered with him and leaned over the pit , feeling the soft cubes inside. thomas smiled slightly, yet mia still looked annoyed.

“can i jump in?!” alex asked.

“not yet! you’re gonna have time to play, i promise.”

“battle beam? what are we, seven?”

god, i can’t wait to smack the shit out of her..

“yeah yeah, alright for teams! how about…kouvr and alex, vinnie and thomas and me and mia.” she smirked, watching mia’s expression fall.

“why not girls vs boys?”

“because. are you scared?”

“no.” mia snapped.

you should be..

◦◦,`°.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

“WHOOOO! WE WON!! MOST POWERFUL COUPLE IN THE BATTLE BEAM UNIVERSE, MOTHER FUCKERS!” vinnie had y/n on his shoulders. she was holding her joust stick up in the air and shouting in victory.

mia was trying her best not to cry from the almost-broken nose that she received and she waited for the nurse to finish taking her blood pressure.

“you wanna get ice cream?” vinnie looked down at his girlfriend after setting her down on the ground.

“after seeing how hot you were fighting thomas? definitely.” she smiled and leaned over to kiss him on the nose.

“alright, WINNERS GET ICE CREAM! LETS GO ALEX!”

before walking out of the building, y/n gave mia a smile and a small kiss on the head. “love you, girl.”

“you too.”

needless to say, mia and y/n were a lot nicer to one another once they got home and mia hadn’t picked a fight with her and vinnie since.

━━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━━

@littlewolfieposts @burn1ngw00d @radioblah-blah @janesofia7 @sofslander

#vinnie hacker x reader #vinnie hacker #vinnie hacker fluff #hype house #hype house fic #vinnie imagines

[beann-e]

Haikyu Characters Reacting To Their S/O Screaming Back At Them

Aoba Johsai

Read Part Two Here

kyotani Kentaro

-everyone knows kyotani for his anger and how he doesn’t suck up to people so when they found out he was dating someone they had to assume this someone had the ability to put him in his place and right now that’s just what they needed

“ mad dog-chan you can’t do this not right now“ oikawas voice rang through in annoyance

“ yeah we need you to go in “ iwazumis voice sounded tired as if he was exhausted by trying to convince the boy for the past 5 minutes during their halftime (long timeout)

kyotani grunted as he turned from both of his teammates looking to the wall as he sat on the bench

“ coach seriously — we need him and he’s just on the bench doing nothing “

“ he said he’s tired of you guys only calling him in for 5 minutes and then sitting him back out like an animal— that you use to show off and then send outside when company’s gone “

“ well he’s our secret weapon “ oikawa screamed “ that’s literally what you do “

kyotani grumbled as he rolled his eyes at oikawa who huffed as he moved to turn to the bleachers “ oh forget this he’s not even listening to iwa-chan “

“ well you know what to do flatty-kawa “

“ duh you see i’m doing it iwa-chan”

oikawas hand came up in a wave as he moved to the referee whispering to them as they spoke on the speaker their voices crisp sending a chill through kyotani’s spine

“ we need a y/n l/n to come down to Aoba Johsais Bench — A y/n L/n to come down to Aoba Johsais bench “

you stood up smiling widely as you jumped your way through the crowd voice heaven sent as you screamed “ that’s me “

moving through people talking sweetly “ oops — sorry — sorry have to go take care of a loose hothead—whoops—you should really watch where you place that drink “

you hopped down the stairs waving at the team and the referee as you came to a stop in front of kyotani who was even more mad than he was initially

“ babe whats up why are they calling me down here again “ you sighed “ it’s only happened five other times and I thought we got past it “

“ they say that like it’s nothing “ kindaichis voice came out small as he rubbed the back of his head

“ kyotani “ you called confused usually he would answer you by now and comply and go play for a little while just to make you happy so you could go sit down on the bench to watch his game closely

“ uh somethings wrong iwa-chan “

“ yeah somethings off he’s not responding to her this time “

“ kyo what— “

“ if anything he looks like he’s gonna snap “

oikawa laughed at his comment “ yeah right y/n ‘ s too nice he’d feel horrible if he snapped at ‘em —they’d probably cry he wouldn’t do it “

oikawas face dropped as he heard the loud voice ring out inside the gym “ GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME“

you shuddered at his voice “ your even more fucking annoying than that dumbass over there “

your mouth dropped “ all you do is come down here and bother me everytime and I only go in for you — i’m not doing it this time i’m gonna stand my ground”

he screamed “ they use me for those 5 minutes and then toss me out i’m not doing it — like I said i’m sitting right here on this bench and standing my fucking ground “

your face went up in shock as you felt your body flinch at his voice kyotani and the rest of his team immediately feeling bad at what the whole gym just witnessed everyone listening closely feeling sorry for you

Oikawa moved to glare at kyotani as he walked over to wrap his arms around you “ aw y/n-chan it’s ok to cr— “

“ YOU SCREAM AT ME ONE MORE TIME LIKE THAT AND IM GONNA KNOCK YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF WITH THE BAT MY DAD WACKS INTRUDERS AT HIS STORE WITH “ your screams came out louder than his as you stared down at the boy in front of you

“ I don’t care if you go out there and wipe the floor down with fucking towels or scrape it clean with a toothbrush but your going out on that court kentaro“

your voice was stern “ you better be glad they even give you 2 seconds on that court you love so much with your shitty attitude —if it was me i’d make you a bench rider the whole season while you watch shittykawa smirk at you everytime he goes up for a set that you won’t get “ your screams catching the whole gym off gaurd

“ so your gonna go out there and stand your fucking ground on that court “ you mocked him hand pointing from him to the court

Kyotani’s body shaking at your tone “ kentaro “ you spoke his name like a curse as he jolted and race to stand in his position on the court head never turning back to look at you again as you continued

“ You will score everytime you go up for that ball — everytime you hit something or come in contact with it— I want a point on that board do you hear me“

“ yes “

“ kentaro “

“ yes ma’am “

you moved to fix your clothes as you stared at everyone in the crowd “ everytime my boyfriends feet leave that ground you better clap your asses off do you hear me “

everyone shook their heads in a yes motion afraid of you and how such a big yell could come from such a small person

You smiled at the team before you took your seat on the bench near the coach who read off all his plans for kyotani that hed never listened to

“ oh trust me we’ll do that plan “ you said as you shook your head ignoring all the whispers from the males around you

“ do they know the game doesn’t start back up again until 5 minutes from now “ mattsukawas voice came out in concern

“ I —uh I don’t think they care “

“ oikawa what’s wrong with you “ iwazumi turned to see oikawas face made up in a frown as he sulked

“ pretty y/n-chan called me your stupid nickname “

oikawa

-oikawa never liked losing especially when it was to someone younger than him someone he didn’t like so you can imagine his anger when he lost to Karasuno

-no one expected the hallway to erupt in his screams so soon

“ tooru what’s wrong “

“ i’m just a little tired y/n i’m ok “

“ no but you — you look angry “

he took a deep breath as he shook his head in annoyance moving to walk off you standing in front of him stopping his exit

“ ok then if I look angry why the fuck would you stand in front of me “

“ because I “

“ because your fucking annoying that’s what it is “

“ tooru”

“ no don’t baby me y/n I don’t need you or anyone else to tell me I played good and I was amazing obviously I wasn’t if your standing here talking to me in a hallway and not in front of me while I celebrate on the court “

“ it’s ok baby — you can still win a volleyball nat— “

he lost his cool as he screamed looking down on you “ WHEN Y/N WHEN HUH “

he screamed harshly “ it’s over — are you fucking stupid there is no next time shitty kageyama took it there’s no next time for me — fuck we’re— we’re third years “

his voice sounded bloody by his screams that sounded throughout the hallway his team coming in to check and see if everything was ok receiving their answer when they turned the corner to you taking over

“ if I knew you were so fucking stupid I wouldn’t have dated you you were probably the bad luck charm that made me lose my shitty gam—“

“ the only thing that made you lose this game was you asshole “

your voice was laced with venom as you shot at him screaming constantly “ you and your shitty need to keep working endlessly maybe if you didn’t have a hurt knee — oh wait howd you get that “

you pretended to think “ oh I know FROM OVERWORKING YOURSELF “

you pushed a finger to his chest “ when I say your gonna make it to a nationals someday your gonna make it to a nationals someday you don’t doubt me is that clear “

his face was in fear as his mouth opened wide in a o form unable to process an answer

“ is that clear tooru oikawa “ you screamed

the team letting out yes’s for him as he moved to look back at them before he turned to you shaking his head like a puppy whod accidentally peed in the house

“ I need words “

“ y-fuck y—yes y/n — baby I mean ma’am — shit I mean yes baby “

you moved to stand straight as you cracked your neck and let a smile play on your face as you turned away from him walking to the entrance of the gym “ ok — babe I meant to tell you i’m gonna go say good game to kageyama- kun you go to the busses and make them wait for me ok “ you waved at him as you opened the door “ love you “

“ they wouldn’t dare leave ‘em “ kyotani’s voice came out in a laugh

“ fuck leaving them — theyd let ‘em drive“ hanamaki joked with mattsukawa who was screaming in laughter

your body entering the gym and walking over to kageyama who straightened up turning to speak to hinata who stood in fear

“ you speak nothing of what we heard to y/n-senpai“

“ y-yes ka-kageyama “

“ kageyama-kun youve grown up so much I love it“ you said holding your arms out to him speaking like he was a baby

“ h-hi y/n-senpai “

“ DID YOU KILL THE GREAT KING “

#kageyama #kags #kags x reader #hinata headcanons #haikyuu hinata #hinata x reader #hinata shōyō #hq hinata #hinata shoyuo #oikawa tooru #oikawa angst #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa imagine #oikawa fic #oikawa headcanons #oikawa x y/n #oikawa scenarios #iwazumi headcanons #iwazumi x reader #iwazumi hajime #iwazumi hcs #iwazumi imagines #iwazumi scenarios #kyotani kentaro #hq kyotani #kyotani x y/n #kyotani headcanons #kyotani drabble #kyotani angst #kyotani kentaro x y/n

[rommahh]

{Harry in sparkly black….Harry lemme **** *** *** for free}

You hadn’t talked to Harry all day. Not that you were mad at him or anything but your therapy this morning left you feeling a little spacey. There was something about talking about your emotions that left you feeling emotionally drained.

You missed Harry terribly and though it’s only been a short week, you felt very lonely. But on another note, your anxiety wasn’t as bad as it was. You were starting to feel like your normal self again but missing something.

You loved the tight knit life you have with Harry. You like being around him most hours of the day. You two were inseparable. If you were in the shower, he was in the bathroom reading a book from the lounger chair in the corner. If he was writing music on the beach, you were somewhere on the shore collecting shells. If you were going to the grocery store the least he could do was go for the drive with you. You two were close and it was something the both of you were ok with.

Some couples don’t like being so close but it worked for you and Harry. Being away from Harry was a weird experience. It’s only been a week but you feel like it’s been a lifetime. You haven’t minded being on your own but you wanted to be with the person you felt most connected to.

So being you, you purchased a ticket to Chicago. You didn’t know how Harry was going to react but you could only assume it would be a positive reaction. You told Jeff that you were coming so he could get you a hotel key and backstage pass.

As you sat in the airport you felt your back pocket buzz- your music pausing for the call. Your hand slipped into the pocket roughly pulling out the small phone. Harry’s icon, him in a fluffy robe looking as grumpy as ever, met your eyes. You cursed because you were quite obviously in the airport and if he saw you, the surprise would be ruined.

You answered anyways but only for audio. You made sure that your airpods were snug in you ear and there was no chance of them falling out.

“My lover!” Harry greets you a in sing song voice. You could hear his humph as he recognizes that you didn’t answer with the FaceTime video on. “Turn your camera on.”

“Can’t, I’m not feeling good.” You fib nervously. Harry frowned, nervous that he may have done something to upset you.

“Oh, alright. What’s wrong then?” He asks. You chew your lip trying to think of an answer.

“Uh, period.” You stammer.

“Your period doesn’t start for another few day…saw it on the tracker.” Harry may have your period tracker on his phone but it was because he wanted to make sure he was able to comfort you the best way he could when he needed to.

“Must be the meds-“ The sound of your boarding attendant sounded over your head cutting you off. “Hey bubs, I’ve actually got to go but we can’t chat later.”

“Sure, that’s fine I guess. Love you.” He mumbles, confused by the phone call. You hang up leaving Harry a little lost in his thoughts.

Later, Harry sang through his rehearsal carelessly, his head clouded with thoughts. He even sang through TBSL and though he was in the worst of moods, fans waiting at the venue thought he never sounded better.

You on the other hand had just sat through the worst flight of your life. There was a woman in the flight who didn’t want to wear her mask causing commotion before the flight could even take off. You had the worst headache halfway through the flight and because of the lack on supplies, the flight couldn’t give you any ginger ale or accommodations.

You didn’t let any of it get to you though as you directed for the chauffeur Jeff sent for you to go to the venue for show.

Harry sat in the common room backstage with the band and Jeff eating dinner grumpily. His fork was stabbing every little piece of lettuce of his salad, everyone watched worried that he may break his bowl.

“HS3 is trending on Twitter today, pretty exciting.” Jeff says to Harry breaking the silence. Jeff just received a text from you saying that you arrived to the venue and were walking towards Harry’s dressing room.

“Mmm great.” Harry grumbles. Jeff rolled his eyes at the diva.

“Someone’s a little pissy this evening. How about you go fix that mood before you greet your fans with a bad attitude.” Jeff scolds him like a child who just got caught doing something they shouldn’t have. Jeff really didn’t care about Harry’s attitude, used to the moods at this point, but he needed a way for Harry to leave the room and see you in the dressing room.

“Fine, didn’t want to be around anyways.” Harry shrugs.

Back in Harry’s dressing room, you rolled your suitcase into a corner where Harry’s outfit for the night resided on a hanger. You smiled at the sparkly black top that you helped pick out. You walked around his dressing room from the hair and makeup table, past the bathroom/ dressing area, and back around to the couch’s and coffee table where you took a seat. You snagged one of his green juices needing the boost of energy from being on the flight.

You heard the door knob jiggle but stayed planted in you seat sipping on the juice. You never made a peep as Harry barged through the room, scowl covering his face. He stormed past the couch not batting an eye at you. He went to the mini fridge where his juices were before letting an exasperated sigh.

“Who fucking took my juice?” He whines. You quietly giggle in your hand at his tone.

“Im sorry, thought I could have it.” You chuckle. Harry leaps from where he stands letting out a yell. He turns to look at you with wide eyes, hand over his chest as if his heart was going to explode from his chest. You stood from the couch waiting for him to react more but he just stood there in shock. When the realization of you actually being there kicked in he let out another yell before bounding over to you.

Before you knew it, you had two strong arms wrapped tightly around you. Your wrapped around his neck, hands and fingers spread through his hair. His face tucked into your lower neck peppering desperate kisses all over just to feel something.

“What are you doing here?” You hear him cry. You pulled away from him to wipe his eyes of the tears that streamed down his face.

“I needed to see you.” Was all you could muster. He pulled you down on the couch, your body cushioning his larger frame. He laid in between your legs, your back flat in the body of the couch.

“Im so happy your here.” Harry couldn’t even put his excitement into words. He knew you were coming in a week but to have you here earlier than that made him feel things. He sat up from suffocating you into the couch, allowing for you to sit up beside him. “What about your therapy? I hope you’re not jeopardizing your mental health to be here with me cause I would much prefer if you put me on the back burner and took care of yourself.”

You rolled your eyes playfully. “I’m ok. I still will see my therapist virtually, I’ve got all new meds that are working fine, and if all goes to shit I will go back home. It’s ok bubs.” You reassure him.

He grabs your face with both hands pulling your face to his. Your lips meet with need. His lips slotting with yours, moving slowly but with rigor as if he was scared you would slip from his fingers. Your bottom lips fit between his lips leaving for him to suck on it slightly. You moaned at the feeling making Harry pull you in tighter. You sat slightly upon his lap, chest against each other tightly. Your tongues pushed at one another, lips loving in tangent.

You pulled away when you felt his lower presence awaken. He whined at the loss of contact making you giggle.

“If we go any further you’re gonna be late for your show. I’ll give you more back at the hotel, yeah?” You say lowly trying to catch your breathe. He groaned resting his forehead on yours chasing your lips with chaste kisses making you smile.

“Fine, you owe my though. This is level three apology situation that can only be resolved with these things; sloppy blowies, butt stuff, or face masks if you catch my drift.” He chastised. You let out a deep belly laugh pushing yourself away from him. You two still sit facing each other, your legs slightly on top of his.

“You’re so nasty, but I may be able to arrange one of those.” You wink making Harry let out a triumphant laugh.

“Are you staying for the show? I understand if your not.” He questions fiddling with your fingers.

“Think it would be best if I didn’t. I’m really tired and I obviously need a nap if I’m going to be up for your post show antics.” You joke giving his nose a poke. He jokingly pretends to bite your finger in retaliation.

Harry went on stage that night happier than ever. He started plotting proposals from the second he walked you to the car with your suitcase and waved goodbye to you. You went to the hotel room and “accidentally” fell asleep wearing one of your most recent purchases curled up in your tour bus blanket.

Let’s just say that Harry not so accidentally woke you up after that concert ready to love all of his adrenaline off in you.

Part 2👀

#harry styles love on tour #hslot #hslot Chicago #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #harry styles x y/n #harry styles fic #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #Harry Styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot

[4dtk]

hello my honey bunch UMM IM NOT SURE IF IM SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE EACH ONE??? BUT IM GONNA DO IT ANW

can i request 3 from the hand holding, 16 from the hugging, 26 from the kissing and 3 from the touching with jaehyun!!!!

FUCK IDK IF I DID RIGHT I HOPE THIS IS OKAY <333

yes you did it right, dont worry! hope u enjoy this angel!! and welcome back <333 (ps holy crap this is long AHASHDHDH)

hand-holding, 3: cold hands in warm hands

hugs, 16: ‘not wanting to let go’ hugs

kisses, 26: giggling while kissing

touching, 3: hiding face in neck

“c’mon! you’re gonna miss the sunrise,” you drag jaehyun along the mountains, a clear path etched into the ground that visitors always took whenever they wanted to view the sunrise. the both of you got lucky today, being the only two people who got up early enough to catch the night sky turn into yellows and oranges, before it rests in the usual sky blue you’d see up in the sky.

well… one of you was. “do we really need to see the sunrise again, baby? i was perfectly content cuddling with you…” your husband knew better than to argue with you when you have your eyes set on something, especially with something like a sunrise. it was a by-product of why you selected this B&B atop of a mountain where you’d be freezing your asses off, but jaehyun could hardly reject your suggestion when he saw how excited you were.

“oh, i’ve always wanted to go back to a mountainside hostel! i remember the last one, ’twas so good, whatdya say?” jaehyun remembers every detail you’ve told him: from the countless cats, to the stunning trail to where you watched the sunrise with your family, the edible flower they cooked up for you. he can’t say no when your eyes are lit up like that, and so, he hauled himself out of bed to put on a simple outfit, relying on your hand to guide him.

you know he doesn’t mean it, but you pout either way, both at his words and the time on your watch. it’s dangerously close to when the staff said the sun would rise. the thought alone of missing the sky drives you to take quicker steps, struggling against the thin air the higher and higher you went.

“hah… finally,” you mumble to yourself, perching yourself near a field of crops that belonged to those living nearby. you were careful not to crush any of the sprouts, patting the space beside you as you waited for the show to start. jaehyun takes your hand wordlessly, letting out a gasp at how cold your hands were; it showed you appreciated the warmth with the way your fingers curled around his, it was natural instinct, both a result of your body reacting to warmth and to the love of your significant other.

“you’re freezing, angel,” jaehyun laughs, “maybe you made a mistake wearing fingerless gloves this morning. c’mon, take ‘em out.”

“it was dark!” you glare at him, “and no, you want me to have a frozen hand when i touch your face later?”

“i’ll warm it up for you, c’mon.” you grumble but comply either way, removing the sad excuse of protection from the cold, fingers instantly curling into your husband’s. he blows onto it, conversation falling silent as your keep your eyes trained on the sight in front of you.

it’s slow, the minutes pass, the sky barely changing. the sun decides to stop the teasing, unleashing its brilliant lights that prompt the both of you to squint. it becomes more bearable to longer you look at it, welcoming the painting of warm colours you never tire of seeing. it mixed like an impromptu painting, unknowingly presenting a magnificent piece of art despite the messiness among the clouds and skyline.

jaehyun has moved behind you by then, engulfing you in his arms while he continued to warm your hands. jokingly, he wedges his hand in between your neck, surprising you slightly with his ice cold lips that were slowly cracking.

as the colours thicken and blend, you can feel the other snuggle more into the crook of your neck, gentle and careful to not shock you again. his body fits with yours perfectly, body warmth gradually shared the more and longer you embrace. with a shift of your butt, you’re moving to stand up, but immediately gets pulled down by his strong arms.

“not yet…” he mumbles, fighting against sleepiness for you. there’s a stammer in his voice as he struggles to find the words he wants to say. you attempt to stand up a second time and this time, jaehyun lets you, ready to follow you with an arm around your waist. “why’d you wanna stand up?”

you say nothing as you place your hands on his cheeks, cold to the touch. there’s time for you to admire his face later, so you dive in to fit your lips to his. it moves without trouble, having done this countless times like how jaehyun’s arms fit around your middle. his body is pressed flush against your own, able to feeling every muscle that’s reacting to your kiss that it leaves him hungry for more.

it makes you woozy, dizzy, dopey, the way jaehyun is fondling you, lips moving in tandem with the squeezing hands on your sides. a bit of warmth creeps up from the side, signifying the last bits of the sunrise. it makes the other smile, but you’re not sure why.

you pull away curiously, mouth only an inch from his as you impatiently waited for his answer. “no… just… funny how you brought me up here to watch the sky change colours and instead you’re locking lips with me.” he says with a smirk.

“oh my god, shut up,” you’re giggling like a schoolgirl, taken back to when you’d laugh shamelessly backstage as the members teased you; including the time when the two of you were interviewed for one of korea’s slice-of-life magazines with a suggestive answer on jaehyun’s part… and also of the time when you almost slipped on cake batter that you dropped on the floor.

each day you spend with your boyfriend-turned-husband is guaranteed to be filled with laughter, and now is just one more memory to store away. jaehyun hovers over your lips this time, unifying your smiles with miscalculated kisses that never quite land. you’re struggling to contain it now, breaking contact to stretch your lips into a grin that is reciprocated by the other.

“will your cute ass stop giggling?” he wants to fake his anger, but it backfires as his own laugh fills your ears. it feels like a warm hug after a rainy day, and you give him just that while your arms encircle around his neck. you can’t care much for the colours blooming in the sky now, rather admiring the crimson appearing on his cheeks even after the many years you’ve been together. you bury your face in his chest.

“thank you, jae. for loving me,” your confession is whispered so soft that the other is convinced he wouldn’t hear it. but he does, and the softening of his eyes is something you don’t catch.

“i’m happy to do it. everyday, baby, it’s everyday that i fall deeper and deeper. i hope it’ll never end,” you’re silent, but the words make your heart and cheeks flare up and it’s a minute before you find the courage to say your part.

“likewise, jaehyun. i love you.”

#nct #nct imagines #nct x reader #nct smut #nct angst #nct fluff #nct scenarios #nct drabbles #nct headcanons #nct soft hours #nct 127 #nct 127 x reader #nct 127 smut #nct 127 angst #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 drabbles #jung jaehyun #jaehyun x reader #jaehyun angst #jeong jaehyun #jeong yunho #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun x male reader #jaehyun nct #jaehyun smut #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun imagines #nct jaehyun

[danniburgh]

Boca del Diablo (Javier Peña x f!reader)

Pairing: Javier Peña x f!reader

Summary: I was wrong but I was doing it right; and we would steal each other’s grief, we were thin but we were thick as thieves; you gotta hold me down, ‘cause I might slip away, slip into the past.

Word count: +5.7k

Warnings: ANGST, you guys this is AWFULLY SAD, so, beware. mentions of alcohol and drinking.

A/N: oh god, okay; this is technically a ficsong, based and inspired by Mouth of the Devil by Mother Mother. also, the first time i heard that song i knew it was SO made for Javier Peña, i couldn’t just not write something based on it... I JUST COULDNT. im not sorry. also also i wanna thank my forbidden kitties @ezrasbirdie and @starlightmornings​ for proofreading and telling me it makes sense, love you so much guys. Jesus Christ Superstar i really should stop hurting javi huh.

Masterlist // Read on ao3 // ko-fi

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓

gif: @javierpcna​

The first thing Javier did when he arrived to Laredo was tour his house around; he walked around the living room, looking at all the pictures his dad had hung onto the walks, he took his time to admire all the faces and the expressions and the situations; he took the time to reminisce about moments of his life he hadn’t given himself the time before to reminisce. He walked the narrow hallways of the house he grew up in.

It was like meeting the house again, even if after leaving he had visited, even if he knew exactly what was in what corner, even if he still remembered that stash of cigarettes he had hidden under a wooden panel in the floor when he was seventeen; he was familiarizing himself again with it; like the prodigal son coming back to a place he had forgotten because he need to forget it.

He discovered that day, after not living in that place for over thirteen years, that it was timeless.

It was as if the house itself was a spot in time that hadn’t moved; as if the place it was built on was rooted down so far into the ground that not even distance or time changed it.

The second thing Javier did when he arrived to Laredo was sleep.

He told Chucho he wouldn’t eat the dinner he had made and that he preferred to eat it for lunch the next day and just shut himself into his old room and slept for twelve hours.

When Javier woke up, he didn’t feel rested, but his mind had stopped reeling from all those excruciatingly exhaustive thoughts he had been carrying with him since he packed up the close to ten years he spent in Colombia into three suitcases and spent three hours inside a plane and two hours driving down from the airport.

In the twelve hours he slept, he didn’t dream at all, and for he was grateful to be so tired that his brain just had shut down for half a day; he didn’t need the constant reminders of what his life decisions had turned into. He didn’t need to dream about the pain he saw, tamed, and caused.

Javier didn’t want to go out of the house at all; because he knew there would be people that asked him about his doings like he was some kind of hero; they would ask him details about the things he did in what they called South America, details he wasn’t ready to even remember, as he wasn’t even ready to correct them; that it wasn’t South America, that it was just Colombia. As if he didn’t want to ruin their perceptions of him; when in reality he didn’t even want to be perceived.

The first time Javier went out of the house he drove to a convenience store that was there since before he was born; another proof that everything in that town he so wanted to get out of and leave behind him as a kid was timeless and immovable.

That time he forgo the cigarettes, as he was decided to try to quit smoking once again; and as he was walking out of the store with a plastic bag full of crap he shouldn’t eat and stuff he didn’t really need, across the street he saw you.

Javier just stood there, like a newly put statue, he watched you hop into a truck he was sure wasn’t yours or your dad’s and as the truck drove away with you in your pretty short sundress inside, he knew, once again, that he was completely and utterly screwed.

He had frozen in place because in that time, in the two minutes it took you to leave, the only thing that invaded his mind was what he did to you.

The second time Javier went out of the house, he had decided to visit some of his old friends that still lived in Laredo; the ones that, unlike him, had stayed there for reasons he, at the short age of twenty, didn’t really understand, but years later, at what he considered the middle of his life, comprehended at last.

None of them asked about Colombia; and, while he was grateful, he was sure it was because one of them told the others not to.

It was as if the subject of him working there had become a taboo; something that they spoke about and debated amongst themselves when he wasn’t there, and he preferred it that way.

Javier was enjoying the time he spent remembering stuff that hadn’t gotten people killed; he liked the feeling of nostalgia that sharing old stories and old experiences with friends made him heel; until someone mentioned you.

He learned then that what had gone down between you and him had also become a taboo; something only his and your generations and the parents of your mutual friends knew about but never said a thing, something that, as in most small towns happened, was a topic that someone brought up when they saw you walk by, or Lorraine, or his dad.

He had even escaped being the prompter of his own fall out being discussed by people on the narrow streets of downtown Laredo.

Javier also learned then that you were a month away from getting married.

The first emotion Javier felt when he heard the words “she's getting married on the fifteenth” was rage; not at you or at your husband to be, but at himself. Because he knew that if he had played his cards right, he would be the one you were sharing your life with.

The second emotion Javier felt was a profound, almost abysmal regret. Because if he had stayed put for thirty-six months he would've been the one you would’ve married. Because if he had stopped his unhealthy, obsessive desire to leave everything he knew and looked at you with all the love he felt for you, he wouldn’t have done what he did. But it was way too late to realize it.

The third emotion Javier felt was sadness. Because even when he had made sense of what he did and convinced himself he was doing the right thing, even when he was doing it wrong, the outcome had been the opposite of what he wanted.

He ruined his life trying to get a better one.

Javier had one too many beers that night and excused himself from the reunion; as he drove away he pulled over because there was an overwhelming question dragging itself from his brain to his chest and settled there like a rusty nail perforating his skin: when was the last time he had thought about you?

There was a difference that he noticed there; as he sat inside his truck in the middle of the country road with the crickets replying to the others and a few car noises at the distance; one thing was wondering about what was of you, asking himself in the little idle times he had in his job if you were doing fine, if you were mad at him, if you were happy, and another, polarizing, totally opposite thing was thinking about you and the years you spent together.

He avoided it.

Thinking about you consoling him with your body when words weren't enough, you understanding him to the deep ends of his persona, you, knowing him exactly as he was, as young as he was, complete as he wasn’t. You meeting him in vulnerability, in nudity, in cynicism, even meeting him in drinking and getting drunk with him every other weekend just to laugh about nothing and fuck like bunnies.

You and the perfect aura and the immaculate energy you exude at all times and that when he was inside you, he felt you share with him.

He avoided it because he knew that he didn’t deserve to get any of it back; but Jesus how much he wanted it.

So Javier decided, inside his semi-alcoholized head, that he had to do what he didn’t do when he had the chance.

He turned the truck back on and gave an U turn that he knew would get him fined if someone had seen him and drove back to where he came from.

He drove by muscle memory. Even after sixteen years he still knew the way and could drive with his eyes closed if he felt brave enough.

But he wasn’t feeling brave or encouraged or self assured; everything he was feeling as he drove was a heavy, disorienting need to fix what he broke.

Or try to.

He got into the driveway and started honking like a crazy man inside the afternoon traffic of the city; someone had to come out at some point.

And you did.

Javier couldn’t identify the emotions he felt when he saw you opening the door of your house or what he felt when he noticed your expression as you recognized the truck and him inside it. He couldn’t name the exact feeling of his chest tugging when you stood there, on your porch, dead on your feet, a hand covering your mouth when he got out of the truck.

He saw you see him; your face paled as he walked up to you, your eyes widened open, he felt like an apparition and guessed he was; nothing but an unwanted sight of a past he was sure you wanted to forget.

He noticed the simple and complex emotions your eyes poured out as he tried to say hi to you with a hand wave.

And even then, half drunk, standing on your porch after who knows how many years, he knew it was something that was supposed to happen.

“What… what are you doing here?” was the first question you asked him, Javier didn’t even have a response to it.

“If I say the truth you wouldn’t want to listen to me.” he said. He saw you shaking your head slightly and looked at you with clinical eyes.

It was as if the time hadn’t passed through you; you were still as beautiful as he remembered you. As terrifyingly gorgeous as the first time he saw you when he crashed your nineteenth party with his friends from college; as inexplicably stunning as a twenty-two year old guy could make sense of.

“What do you want?” was the second question you asked him, and Javier wanted so many things he didn’t know which one to say first.

He looked at you with that expression you had on your face the first and the last time you said goodbye to each other.

“Can we talk?” he replied, you looked at him and bit your lower lip and Javier had to close his eyes because he wanted to do that himself.

“Sure.” you muttered, Javier nodded a few times as he opened his eyes and you had crossed your arms tight on your chest.

“Can we go somewhere else?” he asked, shoving his hands inside the pockets of his jeans.

You stood quiet again as he guessed you were pondering your reply, and he felt like he was asking you to go out with him two weeks after your birthday party.

“Where?” was the third question you asked him “I’m kinda busy.”

“Just for a drive, please.” Javier heard himself begging, but didn’t really care for it.

“I–I don’t th–”

“Please,” he cut you off, “I just… fuck, I just need to talk to you.” he sighed out.

Javier couldn’t stand the look you were giving him, he couldn’t bear the feeling that your eyes on him were giving him because he had a specific memory of you looking at him with a shine in your eyes he didn’t see anymore as you stood in front of him and he was hating it.

“Okay,” you murmured, “let me go get my bag.”

He nodded, and you turned around and walked back inside. You didn’t close the front door and from where he was standing, he could see some parts of the house and some chat inside he couldn’t make out.

He wasn’t half drunk anymore; the weight of the emotions he was feeling were enough to sober him up. But he knew, as he stood there waiting for you, with the most pressing feeling he had felt in decades, hitching his breath and cutting his flow of air, that it was most probably that he wouldn’t get what he wanted. And that was scraping at the well-manicured mask he had built for himself.

You walked out of the house with your bag hanging from your shoulder and gave him a brief glance as you walked to his truck. He let out a heavy sigh and jogged a bit to catch up.

Javier didn’t know where he was driving to. He just didn’t think you would say yes, so he didn’t bother to think of a place to take you; he knew you’d appreciate going somewhere without many people. As you were less than a month away from your wedding and Laredo was a place where if the wrong person saw you walking around with your ex, bad shit could happen.

The truck’s engine roaring was the only thing that made any noise. You were sitting on the opposite side of the seat, all but glued to the window, avoiding to look at him; he understood it; he didn’t even know why you had said yes in the first time.

Javier was still thinking of a place to stop the truck, and as you stirred on the seat, he saw a familiar deviation with an old, tattered, fainted wooden sign on the edge pointing to the right that read Boca del Diablo, leading to a narrow dirt path surrounded by semi-overgrown wild plants.

He turned there and saw you stiffen on your side of the seat out of the corner of his eyes; he wanted to ask you if you remembered the place but instead you glared at him.

“What are we doing here, Javier?” you asked. He wouldn’t admit even to himself that he felt his stomach turn around itself when he heard his name being pronounced by you.

“You remember this place?” he asked anyway as he drove to where the dirt path became a wide opening that led to the edge of a cliff.

“What is it to remember?” you muttered in response, Javier pulled over and turned to you.

“Well, this was our place.” he shrugged slightly and turned off the ignition.

“No, this wasn’t our place,” you murmured, looking back at him, “it was a place where every single couple in Laredo came to make out.”

Javier huffed and nodded a couple of times, he noticed the way you were looking at him and, even in the darkness of the open country and the inside of the truck, he could see the way your brow was furrowing slightly, he wished to know what you were thinking.

“We made it ours.” he whispered back.

“Javier,” you sighed out, he knew you were getting exasperated “fucking in the back of your truck hardly was making a place ours.”

Your words made something inside him sting. He wondered if his actions had made you shift the meaning of your memories; he wouldn’t find it hard to believe.

“Why are you here?” you asked him, Javier was looking for your eyes but he found them outside, on the walnut tree you and him used as shade when you came there before the sunset.

“It made sense,” he replied. You scoffed and turned to face him, Javier saw your eyes water in front of him and took a deep breath “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Right.” Javier saw you take a deep breath and swallow your tears. He wanted to hug you but instead gripped the steering wheel with a hand.

“You’re getting married.” he said, not as a question, but matter-of-factly.

“Yeah.”

“Can I ask why?” you bit your lip with a smirk on your face and Javier felt his chest compress.

“You really wanna know?” your voice was low and soft but it weighed on him like an anvil. He nodded. “I finally found someone brave enough to stay.” you replied with a shrug.

“I stayed.” Javier let out before he could stop himself and you glared at him with a frown.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his lids with the heel of his hand; he knew he was bad with the kind of conversations he wanted to have with you, and he knew you knew as well. But he still wanted to ask you so many things he didn’t even know he was curious about.

He knew exactly the moment he had fucked his and your lives, but he hadn’t stayed to look at the aftermath.

“You stayed,” you retorted “but you didn’t wait.”

“I know.”

“Why?” you asked him, now chasing for his eyes, Javier shook his head a couple of times and you shifted on the seat so you could face him with your body as well “why you didn’t wait?” you asked in a whisper.

“I don’t know.” he replied in a low voice and frowned when your reaction was to laugh.

As you looked around the truck’s cabin with that cynic smile of yours adorning your face, Javier saw a single tear rolling through your cheek that you didn’t bother to wipe off.

“You don’t know?” you let out a sob that sounded like a laugh, “you don't know why you threw away seven years of our lives?” he shook his head, and you opened your mouth in feigned amusement “seven years, Javier, unbelievable.”

“I tried to figure it out but I just couldn’t,” he murmured at you when you threw your head back and sniffed “it made sense at the time.”

“That’s bullshit.” you shrugged.

“It is.”

“I…” Javier started, he tried to find the correct words to phrase what he wanted to say “I know that what I did wasn’t good or an–”

“Wasn’t good?” you cut him off “that’s not really how I would phrase it, Javier.”

“I know, I’m trying, okay?” 

“It doesn’t look like it,” you whispered again and rolled your eyes at the tears Javier could see flooding your eyes “you didn’t wait for me, you didn’t even try!”

“I did! I swear I did, but I wa–”

“Everyone knew us, Javier,” you cut him off again and he sighed “everybody in town thought that we would be that couple that stayed together forever,” you snarled as two thick tears made their way from your eyes to your cheeks and he had to refrain himself from leaning and brush them off “I thought that too.”

“Please,” he sighed. You shook your head slowly.

“And now, after what? twenty years? you com–”

“Sixteen.” he interrupted.

“What?”

“After sixteen years, it’s been sixteen years.” he muttered.

“Right, sixteen,” you huffed again and licked your lips. Javier remembered that little gesture as a sign of nervousness when you were barely an adult, “after all that time, you come back to break into my life,” you raised your hands in question, Javier chewed the inside of his cheek “for what? why?”

“Today Matt told me you were getting married,” he said, you rolled your eyes at him and Javier shifted slightly closer to you on the seat “I just knew I needed to see you first,” he saw you see through him and he felt once again like an apparition “I just realized I never stopped thinking about you.”

“Stop it,” you raised a finger to him, Javier stiffened up “don’t do that,” you shook your head at him “because when you should’ve thought about me, and about us, you didn’t,” Javier nodded his chin a few times “you don’t get to do that to me,” you sniffed and he closed his eyes when your voice started shaking “not after everything, not after you promised me you’d wait and then finding someone else.”

“I didn’t find her,” Javier opened his eyes as he said it, you rolled your eyes at him again, “I wasn’t even looking for someone else.”

“You’re lying,” you shook your head again, Javier mirrored the action, “don’t lie to me, that’s the only thing I’m asking, don’t lie.”

“You know I don’t like lying, I’m not.” he whispered, you let out a sob.

“Then what the fuck happened? huh?” you shifted closer “I asked for one thing, I asked you to wait, you knew I left town to do what I wanted, what happened that made you run to Lorraine?” 

Javier moved closer to you and threw every sense of courtesy and respect out of the window; he grabbed you by the shoulders and pressed you against him. You didn’t try to fight him and he took it as a good sign, but you didn’t hug him back.

Your head rested on his collarbone and he could smell the softness of your shampoo, and wondered in the back of your head if you used the same strawberry conditioner he liked so much.

“Y’know,” you said, shifting your head so you could breathe “Lorraine and I talked when I came back,” Javier hummed in surprise but felt his body shiver at the thought of you and Lorraine sharing the only thing you two had in common with each other; him, “we tried to make sense of what happened but never actually could… what happened?”

“I wish I knew.” he whispered against your hair and felt you shiver, you buried your face in his chest.

“It’s not fair that you don’t know,” you muttered out, your voice being muffled by his shirt and his skin and him and he gripped you tighter “it’s not fair because I’ve been asking myself that question all this time.”

“I tried to make sense out of it,” he broke the brief silence that formed around you, his words like a knife that was sharp enough to mull but not cut, “I thought I was doing the right thing, even if I was doing it wrong.”

You separated from him suddenly and he immediately missed the warmth of your body on him; it was as if he had never stopped holding you.

“Help me understand this,” you murmured, “I left town to do something you knew I wanted to do for so long,” you recounted in a low, deep voice, Javier nodded, “I left with the promise that you would wait here, that it was my turn of doing something I wanted and that you would be here waiting for me, it was only three years, you told me you’d wait,” he nodded his head again, trying to shove away the need of breaking down as you did “but as soon as I crossed the state line you ran to Lorraine,” you said, Javier opened his mouth but you raised your hand to him before he could pronounce a word; he hated that your version was like that, he hated it, “you started dating her saying nothing to me, and I had to find out, because my dad saw you kissing her inside this same truck,” Javier saw you close your eyes in pain as another pair of charged tears fell from them “and he called me to tell me to never come back, and you’re telling me it was the right thing?” you shook your head and Javier felt his throat close at the sight of your face quirked in pain from an old wound he just reopened “what was I to you tha–”

“Everything,” he cut you off, you sighed “you were everything to me,” he cleared his throat and begged his brain for some reason and sense so he could explain to you and give you what he thought you needed to know “and you didn’t deserve me making you responsible for my own well being.”

He saw you frown as you wiped away the tears you had shed.

“That doesn’t make sense, Javier.”

“Think about it, miel,” he tried to explain, barely noticing he had slipped the old nickname he had given you when the first time he kissed you and whispered that your lips were as sweet as honey, he brushed it off and looked at you and your unsure eyes and your bouncy leg and he was regretting everything he had done in his life up to that point until he saw you tilt your head, asking him silently to continue “we were young and stupid and we were both vulnerable,” he reminisced and you nodded ever so slightly “when we met we had lost a lot and I instantly became dependent on you and you know it,” you nodded again, another tear rolling out, he raised his hand and brushed it off, his hand stayed on your cheek, cupping your face, “the only reason I was living and breathing for was you and I knew you didn’t deserve to be the reason I was alive,” he leaned closer “you didn’t deserve to be anything else than my girlfriend.”

You let out a soft sob and looked at him with dovey, dampened eyes, his own were watering as well.

“I’ve always regretted the way I dealt with things, and I’ve always wondered what would be of us if I talked to you instead.” he whispered and then you leaned to rest your head on his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his middle.

Javier almost cradled you. He wrapped his arms around you too as you tried to drown your sobs and he felt the cold sting of a tear making its way out of his eye.

“You ran away.” you whispered, he nodded.

“I did,” he agreed and barely heard you asking why “everything fell on me out of the blue,” he shrugged with you still resting on his shoulder and his hand started gently rubbing your back “Lorraine almost forced me to propose, your dad was so mad at me he stopped doing business with my dad,” he explained, you hummed in affirmation “so my dad was mad at me too,” he scoffed, “and I couldn’t face you,” he whispered, gripping you tighter to him “I knew that you would throw everything on my face and I wouldn’t recover from that, so I just left everything behind.”

“What a fucking coward.” you whispered, Javier huffed a soft laugh.

“Yeah.” he blinked a few times. You sighed and Javier felt the warm breath that came out of your mouth clashing with his skin, making him think about all the times he had you between his arms inside that same truck in different circumstances. He yearned for those times to come back, he wished for a second chance he knew he wouldn’t get as soon as you pronounced:

“I’m supposed to be making the seating chart.”

Javier’s breath hitched when he heard it, and he scoffed at himself because in the back of his mind, deep inside himself, he held a glimpse of hope that maybe if you talked to each other, things would change. But it was a childish thought and of course… You weren’t ruining your own life again.

“You’re still getting married?” he asked.

Javier felt you undo the grip you had around him and you pushed yourself away from him.

“Don’t do this.” you shook your head. Javier saw you shift further away from him; you opened the door and jumped out of the truck and into the empty space that was the viewpoint of Boca del Diablo, he did the same; opened the door and got out of the truck to the cold air of the night and jogged around the truck to stand next to you as you threw your head back and looked at the dark, star-filled sky.

His logical side was screaming at him to stop, he knew he wasn’t being fair to you; he knew perfectly that you wouldn’t say yes; but he wanted to try so hard, he wanted to do whatever it was in his power to have you again.

He saw you there, standing in the middle of a darkish, barely moonlight illuminated, dry dirt viewpoint at the edge of a cliff he had taken you so many times when you were together, and all the feelings he had made sure to shove and hide deep inside himself came bubbling up. He never stopped loving you, and he had lost you once already, he didn’t want to lose you again even if he didn’t have you anymore.

“Miel,” he started next to you, he heard you let out a soft no “miel, is he good to you?” he asked.

You turned to see him and Javier saw the confusion in your face, he stepped closer and reached for your hand.

“As good as he can be.” you whispered in reply.

“What if…” he gripped your hand, you shook your head slowly “what if I told yo–”

“No.” you said before he could finish, Javier tugged you closer to him.

“Come with me.” he let out, softly, almost imperceptible even to his own ear.

“No.” you whined out after a sob.

“Please.” he heard himself beg again.

“Don’t, Javier please don’t do this.” you cried out again. He looked at you, the moonlight making your eyes shine with all the previously shed and yet to slide out tears.

“Miel,” he said, it was like his own judgement was blinded by the feelings he had been neglecting to process over the last sixteen years of his life; he knew he was talking but he wasn’t thinking about his own words, “I promise there was neve–”

“Javier, don’t.” you whispered, thick tears rolling out of your eyes that he brushed with his free hand.

“There was never anyone that could love me like you did…” he let out, you shook your head and he cupped your face.

“Stop it.” your voice was so thin he could barely hear it.

“...and I tried, miel, god knows I tried to find someone like you…” you opened your eyes to him and looked at him deeply.

“Please, stop.” you whispered again.

“...I was with so many women…” he whispered and leaned into you, you sighed and Javier could feel the warmth of your breath against his mouth “...so many of them and I couldn’t feel anything…” he felt another tear escaping from his eye and you reached to him, you didn’t brush it but your touch made his skin burn “...not one of them made me feel what you did, miel…” he pressed his forehead against yours “not a single one.”

“Why are you telling me this?” you whispered out, Javier tried to calm his racing heart as he fought himself from kissing you.

“Because no one was enough, miel, no one was you.” his voice was soft and he sighed slightly, you closed your eyes as a sob died inside your chest. Javier brushed his thumb on the skin of your cheek and you, out of the sudden, closed the distance with him.

Javier hummed in surprise but his lips acted by themselves. You tasted the same as the first and last time he had kissed you; sweet as honey.

You ate his lips gently, still whimpering and still crying, you brushed your tongue with this lower lip and he opened his mouth to let you in; he was willing to give you everything you wanted. He wanted to give you everything you asked for.

With the same sharpness you started the kiss you finished it.

Javier wanted to chase your mouth and keep kissing you until his lips went numb but you stepped back from him and shook your head as you licked your lower lip; he sighed once again with the wet flesh of his lip still tingling.

“You know that I can’t, right?” you asked, holding back his hand, he stood there, watching you look at him, “you know I won't risk my entire life just because the man I’ve been loving for twenty years came back, right?”

Javier dropped his gaze to the door and attempted to say that he knew; that he understood, that he wished you to be happy and that he only wanted to try because he loved you. He wanted to say that he was happy to know you still loved him after all those years and that he knew you had the right to decide what to do with your life. But he could only nod.

“I grew out of my pain, Javi,” you whispered, gripping his hand, he lifted his head to look at you, you were giving him a smile he thought he would never see again; small, soft, yours, “it doesn't hurt me anymore; you did what you did for yourself and I understood,” he nodded again, “now I’m doing what i need to do for myself.”

“Does he make you happy?” he asked in a mumble, you scoffed at him.

“Mostly.” you replied, Javier tugged you against him again and held you inside his arms.

“Good.” he whispered, burying his head inside the crook of your neck, he felt your hands roaming gently up and down his back and he wished you could touch him like that for the rest of his life.

“I’m gonna get married, Javier,” you said, he shook his head, “yeah, and I’m gonna move to San Antonio, too.”

“No.” he let out, his voice small, he felt you shake.

“Yes,” you sniffed, he held you tighter “and I’m gonna try to be happy,” you said before a sob came out of you, Javier felt your heartbeat against his nose and wished to feel it for the rest of his life, “even when I know I’m gonna forever feel sad that you’re not the one I wake up next to every morning.” you whispered.

“We can still do that.” he mumbled against your skin, he felt you shaking your head and he held you closer to him.

“I’m not gonna do that to him,” you replied, Javier sighed “because I love him too, he doesn’t deserve that.”

Javier lifted himself from where he was hidden in your body and looked at you; he slid his hands from your waist to your arms and your face and cupped it with both hands.

“What about you and me?” he let out; he heard himself and hated how broken his voice was. He felt the way your breath hitched as he finished asking and he saw you close your eyes.

“We don’t deserve each other anymore, Javi.”

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