#i am venting somewhat. dont worry

[queenie-says-free-palestine]

Hi! I came across your blog and wanted to offload some feelings, I hope you don't mind.

I've been kinda aware of the situation in Palestine for a few years now (However I am sure that there is A LOT more I don't know) I'm from Western Europe, I'm sure you're aware of how little concern there was and is for Palestinian here. My stomach just dropped when I turned on the news this past weekend. The first thing I saw was the Israeli president proclaiming war. I felt horrified, I knew that whatever Hamas had done, the Palestinian people would be punished for it. It's terrible what happened to the Israeli people, of course, but the entire western world doesn't seem to acknowledge, accept or even care about the fact that those in Palestine are living in an 'Apartheid system'

I've seen videos of kids being 'roughed up' by Israeli military, old people forced from homes they've lived in for generations. They have been suffering for decades like this. Why is it okay for them to be treated like this? Because they're brown? Muslim? I'm sorry if that's a controversial thing to say, but I can't think of any other reason for it. It is both heartbreaking and infuriating.

I wish the western world just cared, if only a little bit. We have been bombarded with 'Israel the victim' narrative, there is some reporting about what they are doing to Gaza (cutting aid etc) and it's generating a little sympathy but not enough to change the overall narrative. Those who publicly support 'Free Palestine' are painted as antisemitic at best, a terrorist sympathizer at worst.

I'm sick of it!

Forgive me if I've got anything wrong here, but this is the opinion I've come to from what I've seen/read. Feel free to correct me.

Thanks for letting me vent.

sorry, i meant to reply to this when you sent it but ive been so busy 😭😭

im glad you feel that my blog is a safe space to vent :) and no worries, im fine w you feeling the need to spill all this. if anything im somewhat honored you chose my blog !

i will be expanding on some notes you said, but trigger warning for graphic depictions of violence. also notable that if people will get triggered at the very ideas of these things, at seeing them as words or on screens, then imagine those who face this in their every day lives, who have faced this every day for decades. you can choose not to read and not get triggered and move on. they dont have a choice.

the first thing id mention is that you mention how the condemnation is "why is it okay for them to be treated like this? because theyre brown? muslim?" and as a brown muslim, yes this is exactly why its okay for them to be treated like this. the west has made it clear for decades that muslims are terrorists or plane hijackers or bombers and they should be disciplined and indoctrinated, and arabs are either oil money bilionaires or robbers or sex objects who live in tents and dont use cars because they have camels. thats why white ukrainians are defending themselves but brown palestinians are terrorists

but also keep in mind that minorities such as arab christians are just as threatened, especially due to a lack of awareness about the fact that theres actually a large number of christians in arabia, and the christian communities in the middle east are some of the oldest in the world, with the ones in palestine able to date back to the birth of the church. in fact, arab christians are almost condemned more than arab muslims because people tend to blow them off because theyre arab christian and somewhat alien to other people.

not to mention that people have the nerve to say palestinians should die bc the majority are muslims and want to kill infidels and queers. what of the queer palestinians? im friends with palestinians irl and two of them are queer. are they excused from the massacre but their families should die? and its sad that this next sentence might be controversial, but even homophobes dont deserve to be slaughtered. yes, i said it.

next, this is smth that angers me, not what you said, but the fact that its so unknown. youve seen videos of "kids being 'roughed up' by israeli military, old people forced from homes theyve lived in for generations". i promise you, anon, this is the tip of the iceberg. scroll far enough, esp on twitter under the hashtag #freepalestine. the things ive seen will stay with me forever. the things youll see if you look far enough, i promise, you wont be able to comprehend how people who witness this every day can still have the will to live.

if you scroll far enough, youll see videos of women screaming in pain as they watch their homes getting bulldozed. youll see a video of a hearing impaired palestinian girl running, only to get hit in the face w a stun grenade. shes only eleven years old. youll see videos of a boy, only about six, eyes wide and staring off, silent as the person holding the camera urges him to speak and shakes him. youll see a father crying over his sons body after finding it among the dead. youll see a boy running through a crowd, screaming and crying for his dad, only to find his fathers corpse being held up by the people in front. youll find people being pulled out from rubble. youll find a boy pointing at his little sister and saying "look at the blood on her feet." youll see videos of people being held hostage in al aqsa mosque, the third holiest site in islam, by the idf. they did nothing but pray. youll see a man holding a dead fetus, saying that its mother was killed. youll see a father vlogging what life is like in gaza, he buys gifts for his daughters for eid but they keep hiding under pillows thinking that theyre going to get bombed and he has to reassure them and hug them. he died a few days later. youll see two children being held by an idf soldier as they cry and swear they havent done anything. youll see a palestinian girl gesturing towards destroyed buildings behind her and saying "you see all of this. what do you expect me to do, fix it? im only ten." youll see a woman talking about how her two and a half year old son, who was shot by israeli soldiers, was loved by everyone and he loved everyone. youll see a group of men in the middle of prayer, refusing to stop even when they hear israeli missiles hitting. they flinch but they dont stop praying. 

and what of the incidents that didnt get recorded? these are just from the last decade or so. what of the sixty five years before that? this is what i call terrorism. the hijabi on your flight is not a terrorist. the zionists who tells people to leave the land they grew up in, the land their ancestors grew up in? THATS who the the terrorist here.

and even those who dont get killed are terrorized. there are people who have to sign in with checkpoints any time they enter or leave their own home. theyre arrested by the idf for no reason and interrogated for hours.

i would also like to add a point. palestinians arent punished for hamas's crimes. palestinians are punished for being palestinians. people could argue that "oh, israels trying to attack hamas, the civilians are collateral damage, thats inevitable in war!!!"

bull. shit.

okay fine, lets assume that, ethically speaking, its morally just to level all of gaza with the aim of exterminating hamas. lets assume that its not morally questionable to do so, and lets assume that it doesnt violate international law. let me steal the argument of bassem youssef from when he debated w piers morgan:

lets assume hamas doesnt exist. lets assume theres a world where hamas doesnt exist in palestine, and lets call this world the west bank. ... whats the excuse for killing palestinians in the west bank?

(he said smth of the sort, im not sure these were his exact words)

why would you kill palestinians in the west bank, where there isnt hamas, and say that its "collateral damage" from a war w hamas? its thinly veiled racism, i promise you

the slightly more fortunate news is that the world seems to be waking up. there are protests, even in the west, in support of palestine. al jazeera news has an article abt places that have held protests in solidarity w palestine (the link is here) and a lot of them are in western/european countries. even jews are protesting, i remember seeing a video (its kinda old tho maybe two years old ??) of a jewish guy saying "we are embarassed of whats happening in the state of israel, in the jewish name" and that palestinians "shouldnt give up the struggle" (the video is here)

unfortunately, where i live, no protests can be held, but maybe if theres any near you, anon, you can show some love by attending :) and if there arent then you can simply donate (only if you can, obviously)

sorry this ramble is so long hahaha its just that your ask allowed me to let out some bottled up feelings of my own

#palestine #free palestine #israel #gaza #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #fuck israel #save palestine #فلسطين #israel is not a country #anti zionisim #anti zionism #ty for the ask <3

[mynameiskanade]

This may be very very weird, and you don't have to pay attention to it!

But uhm. Saw your posts, on my dash and stuff. And I'm kinda worried. Do you wanna vent to me? I'm free, any time! And I'll try my whole best to at least let my words somewhat work.

Ik it may not be much, but small things can go long ways for different types of people (I know that for a fact: my mom has kinda been somewhat cold before but now that she has like- gotten a new husband and all(like,, he's nice and stuffs. Better then the first one who did demonic acts; my biological 'father' — doesn't deserve that title, but afraid he kinda does, since well- here I am), she has been more and more child like(not saying she can't be), and it's awesome!!).

I just wanna help!!

thanks sotomogal for the offer. i dont mind venting to people, just that i dont really have the social skills to. though, if i can, ill try to vent to you if its okay

[burning-sol]

oh yeah i forgor the terrible shit i came up w/ for char yesterday. wit fren. we did little generator prompts and then i completely brainrotted and suggested a bunch of story. cw for a cult, death, mention of substance abuse, yeah.

there's not a lot of specifics but basically the setting is a sort of rural town which has a an established cult that nobody really likes but presumably cant rlly do anything abt. my character has lived in the town all their life and basically THE main part of their story is that when they were younger, they were playing with their friend in the woods, and they came across this old well, but when they were playing they accidentally knocked their friend into the well and they DIED and my char was too scared to tell anyone abt it. people tried looking for the child but the specific place was so far out of the way that no one found the body, and the cult was already an established disliked group so they quickly blamed them for it, but couldnt do anything abt without any proof, and so my char was basically let off the hook but now they carry a terrible fucking guilt.

flashforward when they're older. they're having significant problems because they're frankly very sickly mentally ill, and struggling in their day to day. a recruiter from the cult comes around to do their shtick, and long story short my character gets pulled in. they get some free acommodations but they dont ENTIRELY trust the place, so they're still somewhat independent, but slowly their guard gets lowered and they start growing more dependent. they're basically being flooded w/ so much affection that they end up pretty deep in, and they've been emotionally constipated all their life, so they spill their guts to one of the members, and for once in their life they feel like there's a lot less weight bearing down on them.

PROBLEM. shortly after they hear stories from inside the cult that someone had tried to leave b4 but had been pretty blatantly blackmailed and forced to stay. and my char quickly realises. oh SHIT what am i gonna do? nothing bad has happened yet, so they dont act on anything yet, but they're WORRIED now. of course things eventually start going downhill, and they REALLY wanna leave, but oops you can see what's coming, they're being threatened w/ being exposed if they try which would obviously turn out BADLY. so when my character starts getting so SO desperate, they do the only thing they can think of and go back to the well. it is frankly very horrifying and traumatising when they descend into it and fish out the remains of their childhood friend, probably having panic attacks and being sick, but they know if they cant make this evidence disappear forever then they're going to be stuck in the cult.

BUT IT GETS WORSE, because after undergoing their horrifying ordeal, they return to find out someone TAPED them. so not only was that devastating effort all for nothing, now they're trapped for fucking ever. luckily that doesnt end up being the case but yeah you know. they spend the next however long being in complete utter misery as they're at the whims of this group who can expose them for their crime at any time. but tldr, the same person who recruited them vents to THEM abt shit they've been through. namely that they're an addict and while the cult had been providing them substances that's kept them placated until now, they'd abruptly decided to stop doing that. so now they're actually sober and reflecting on how shitty the whole situation is and how much soul destroying guilt they have knowing that they've basically destroyed so many other people's lives.

they're definitely not a good person, and yeah they pulled my character into the cult, but my character has hit rock bottom. my character is like "no, we DONT have to stay here. we can get out. but i need you to help me. please get the incriminating tape of me and we can leave together. i am desperate, i dont care what you've done, please jsut help me". and then they probably go through whatever it takes to get out and just leave. no, they probably dont help anyone else get out (tho maybe they do spark some hope in other ppl), but they're finally out of that shitty town. and they can live their own lives.

we came up with this all within probably an hour or less. so the fact it's basically a complete story is a bit surprising. usually i struggle w/ characters stories. i guess it helps that this is a pretty simple premise.

#📚 my posts #📌 thoughts

[hoeforinarizaki]

Hello There! Navigate Here:

"Welcome to hoeforinarizaki's page!"

I'll make it clear i write only for haikyuu on this tumblr account, but if there are other fandoms you want me to write for just go to my main @sparklingbluerose !

At the time, my requests are open so ask away. I don't really have any restrictions so go as wild as you want. Except maybe Character x Characters, since i'm not too good at writing those types of things (though i'm an IwaOi shipper–)...

POSTING SCHEDULE!

I already thought of this beforehand...so i guess i'll write down the schedule here as it's easier to understand.

MONDAY.

TUESDAY.

THURSDAY.

FRIDAY.

SATURDAY.

I removed Wednesday and Sunday because i sometimes end up not posting something at all, and i actually want to follow this schedule so Wednesday is basically a small break to be able to get enough idea and motivation to write. My family and i usually go out to church and eat out together on Sundays, so that'll also be counted as a break somewhat.

REQUESTING PAGE!

I will write anything and everything you want, but i guess there's always going to be rules. Not to worry! I won't put too many restrictions since i want everyone to enjoy and say what they really want to read. And so, here are the do's and dont's.

DO NOT...

Request extremely kinky stuff (piss, knife play, etc.)

I am fine with kinks actually, but extreme stuff are a bit too much for me to actually write. Sorry about that.

Be rude to others in any way (racism, insulting, etc.)

I want this to be a good place for people to express themselves without any judgement! Please be mindful.

Make multiple requests at the same time.

Having people tell me too much stuff is a little overwhelming, and so maybe make another request once i finish the first.

YOU MAY...

Send me anything in my inbox, ranging from requests to questions to venting. I'm all ears and listening is what i mostly do, so please just type away.

Tell me what you want me to write whether it be triggering or just pure smut. I'll make sure to put the warnings i need to at the start. Feel free to ask to get tagged.

Chat with me and call me whatever you wish. Let's be good friends, it would be nice. Send me lots of memes since i laugh at everything and anything, though.

CHARACTERS || LIMIT:

The request limit for individual characters is 10.

However!

If you request teams, i will do all of them.

I write for everyone! From main characters to side characters, heck i'll admit i'm a simp for everyone, especially Futakuchi.

Complete Character List...

KARASUNO

Hinata, Kageyama, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Sawamura, Sugawara, Nishinoya, Ryunnosuke, Azumane, Ukai, Takeda, Hitoka, Shimizu, Kinoshita, Ennoshita, Kazuhito, Saeko

NEKOMA

Kuroo, Kozume, Morisuke, Lev, Alice, Taketora, Akane, Nobuyuki, Shibayama, Fukunaga

AOBA JOHSAI

Oikawa, Hanamaki, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, Yahaba, Kyōtani, Watari, Kunimi, Kindaichi

FUKURODANI

Bokuto, Akaashi, Konoha, Washio, Sarukui, Komi

INARIZAKI

Shinsuke, Atsumu, Osamu, Ojiro, Rintaro, Omimi, Ginjima

SHIRATORIZAWA

Wakatoshi, Tendō, Semi, Goshiki, Shirabu, Yamagata, Ōhira

JOZENJI

Terushima, Bobata, Misaki, Futamata, Numajiri, Īzaka

DATE TECH

Futakuchi, Takanobu, Moniwa, Sakunami, Onagawa, Nametsu, Kamasaki, Fukiage

NOHEBI

Suguru, Naoyasu, Kazuma, Yoshiya, Yamaka, Isumi

Writing Forms...

SCENARIOS. Whether short or long, i'm happy to know you enjoyed thinking about this and picturing it internally XD

HEADCANONS. Got anything you want to be briefly written in these terms? Then go ask away! I'll take it on.

ANGST. My whole blog might be filled with angst tropes, because why not? I'm a little obsessed. Up to you though.

SMUT. I'm supporting all horny thoughts and my fellow lovely thirsty people out there ;) whatever it is, just ask.

FLUFF. If you need some serotonin, i'm definitely going to make my writing just diabetic as that depression /hj

PLATONIC. You wanna feel like the lovechild of a ship or be your favorite character's bestie? Then type away.

DISCORD:

I'm thirsting on haikyuu so much, and this is the only fandom i've been attracted to longer than the rest i've been. So if you have any active discord servers related to haikyuu in any way, please chat me and give me a link i'm just a simp 🤣

And also, i just want to make friends. So if you're thinking the same, don't hesitate to send me a hello 👌 (i don't bite at all lol...no but seriously i don't fr–)

Masterlists...

MAIN MASTERLIST

Thank you for visiting @hoeforinarizaki!

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyū!! #anime and manga #masterlist #discord chat #friends #fanfic #reader insert #nekoma hcs #fukurodani #date tech #karasuno #nohebi #inarizaki #johzenji #aoba josai x reader

[bowserpunk-vevo]

just me venting here, dont worry about reading

i have no safety or comfort in life rn, aside from my lovely partner in crime and my own self... and its pretty shitty, and idk how long i have to do this for... but its pretty cool that ive gotten to a point where i can somewhat deal with it, and basically... once im done with this part of my life, i will full on be an unstoppable force unable to be bested by any challenge... and frankly, thats the main thing thats motivating me to keep going. ive dealt with life all by myself, with no one by my side, in a stressful environment, having to keep cool enough to fulfil my forced role for the past 23 years, and i fully intend to keep at it no matter what, i just have to be dramatic for a bit here. and i fully intend to find a way to somehow get myself in a better life... somehow... i'll figure it out :)

also since im already venting... im really really proud of myself, cuz i managed to somewhat thrive despite it all :0 like i beat social anxiety, and my depressions only shows up during pmdd, and all that other good stuff.... but... to be honest, i felt really weak these past 3 months. its extra upsetting to exist rn, and there doesnt seem to be a way out in my close future...

that being said, im looking for ways to make money now :0 i dont think i can work a real job, even tho im good with socializing, my autism still prevents me from doing anything consistently, and rn im so burnt out that i dont think i could do it even if i normaly could... but i cant think of anything i could do that would get me more money than i get from my disability payment thing, and also be a consistant income. plus my mother would never let me get a job... cuz of my history of not being able to be consistant with responsibilities. i cant sell art, cuz consistency. i cant offer a service, cuz no skill....

anyways, i'll figure it out eventually, no worries :)

i hope :I

in any case, my lovely partner in crime is a godsend, and i am forever grateful for his existance :) he sure does make it a nicer experience, and ah... i have no words...

[zsuuv139]

rare original content time! and its gonna be me venting

cw: weight "management", weight loss and gain, gynecological issues, doctors, the rona

so either this story starts in my childhood: i've always been a fat girl and have recently discovered that it was basically eating for attention, positive or negative, since i also was a glass child.

or this story starts 3 years ago, with the pandemic. where i gained even more weight. but i also met this guy and he and another friend somewhat motivated me to lose a lot of weight (that i was really happy with and i felt better in my body, happier overall due to exercise). and then last february (2022) not only did i hook up with a guy, i also got myself a nice little BV out of it. and ofc the rona. after the rona cleared up, i went to a gyno who also did an ultrasound and found a cyst. i felt my life implode - i had only heard bad stuff about ovarian cysts.

they told me to not do intense workouts and put me on hormonal birth control. i could barely stand on my 2 legs. and i was depressed as hell. gained a lot of it back. got off the birth control because suddenly the cyst was not on my ovary anymore but somehow adjacent to it and hormones dont help anymore. still couldn't work out.

am also supposed to get an mri that either has a 6 month waitlist or a 100+ usd cost - my monthly pay is about 1k usd so i kinda cant afford it.

i recently took steps toward getting the mri - another gyno visit. now i also have a polycystic ovary (just one of the 2. hormone levels still ok - not pcos).

im also currently getting fired/ laid off and at the time of that appointment, i had just found out and was already exhausted because of multiple failed applications. i was certain that the layoff would happen and was looking and interviewing but got no offers.

when i tried to explain my health situation to my doctor, i ended up crying. she was patient, gave me some paper towels to wipe my face and explained how the procedures were gonna go. i liked the experience overall.

i also gained all the weight i had lost back.

docs want to investigate possible insulin resistance - i got my blood drawn and since then i have a bruise where i was stuck. this has not happened ever before, and i did used to get blood tests for a thyroid issue. im now wondering if this is bc im fat.

went to an endocrinologist - thyroid levels not optimal, and potential insulin resistance that i was hoping they could advise me on.

she calls my name. "how's it going with the weight loss?" i remark that not well.

"do you have endometriosis?"

"im not sure. afaik it needs surgery to be diagnosed and i havent had any surgery in that area. but my periods do hurt like hell and get kinda plentiful, so it wouldnt be a shock."

first few questions go normal, i know my meds, doses, diagnoses. she starts talking about weight loss. i just take it in an "ok im not coming back to her" way. then she starts asking about the cyst. i tell her what i know. she asks "but what does the mri say?" "dunno, they have a 6 month waitlist" "and youre not willing to pay for an emergency?"

now, in her pov, this random fat woman starts crying.

in my pov, all my job hunt stress and worries bubble up - im crying as im typing this ffs, and i do have a job offer currently! i recall how, if i qwere to go on unemployment, i would be eligible for 120 usd a month - i couldn't even pay rent with that! i recall how our transfer within the company was treated - we were told there would be opportunities and we will have to apply, then we applied, got little feedback, and as the other project's start date approached, they started pressuring us (most specifically, me) to do our tests asap and i was literally given 20 minutes on the end of a workweek to decide if i wanted to start on the other project on monday. did not go well.

so i just ended up crying - and angry at myself, since earlier i would just be angry if anything happens, and i was used to working with anger, but i dont know how to deal with crying.

she may have acknowledged that i was crying, saying she knows this situation is not easy but i should do everything to get out of it (no shit).

then, sobbing, i explained that the gyno did not say the mri would be urgent, and she did acknowledge the long waitlist.

doctor goes back to weight loss / eating habits. do i eat dairy? dairy is like fertilizer for the cysts, she says. "i don't drink cows milk. i do like yogurts and cheeses tho." "no, you cannot eat cheese".

what the actual fuck is happening?

she asks me to lay down for an ultrasound of my thyroid (to make sure its all good). i explain that its left side was taken out and on the right, there seems to be just a tiny little lump, and im kinda curious if it grew. should i take off my shirt? nah, just pull the neckline apart.

i would have rather taken it off but k.

she acknowledges that the left lobe is indeed not there, and goes to town with the ultrasound ot see whats up on the remaining right half. kinda hurts but whatever. lets just get this over with.

"how much do ypu weigh?"

"honestly, too much rn"

"100 kg?"

"uhm... [i am above that so i say 5 kg less]"

...

"why did they leave the right lobe?"

fuck knows, lady, it was 10 years ago and im not a doctor. i was an entire child, do you think anyone cared to explain the medical decisions? do you think i understood?

"the theory was that they were hoping it would work at least on its own or that it would make up for the left part"

"well that isnt happening"

"i have noticed. but idk if taking it out now would do any good."

"nah"

tells me i can wipe off the gel and calls me back to her desk while she writes up her report.

tells me that i need a nutritionist for the insulin resistance and refers me to a colleague. then gets back on weight loss.

"the small blob on your thyroid would go away if you managed to lose the weight"

"also don't eat bread. don't have more than 2 slices a day" "i already don't eat bread" "then stop eating pasta."

gurl idk how to tell you but pasta and cheese are the only joy left in my life.

"but you have to go to a specialist. no one can do this alone"

idk how to tell you but im not _paying_ for someone to yell at me to lose weight... i know a lot about diets, nutrition, how a meal should look like, calories, intermittent fasting (btw, have you ever had an endocrinologist recommend intermittent fasting? i heard it was bad for your hormones lol), and i don't want to give like 70 usd for a "specialist" to potentially tell me nothing new. is this arrogant? yes. but again im not rich.

is it cheaper than whatever i would need to do if my body continues to deteriorate? idk. i would have to put it on my goddamn credit card tho.

and then i look on the paper she gave me.

she wrote "emotionally-pshychologically unstable" as a symptom. fuck off the entire way.

i left her office. i cried. i cried some more. i complained to my friends. almost lost it when i couldn't attach a lid on an iced coffee and it spilled on me. i didn't tell my parents because i do not trust them with questions regarding my mental health.

and i read her note about our meet again.

she wrote

"antecedent: right lobectomy.

currently right lobe micronodule"

so that's how doctors listen to fat people.

#cw health #cw weight #cw weight loss #cw weight gain #cw diet culture #cw doctors #cw medical negligence #cw gynecological issues #health #diet #tw ed diet #weight loss #weightloss #weight gain #weight management #disordered eating #emotional eating #vent #i need to lose so much weight #i need to vent

[fictionallovelife]

"are u ok" i crave the touch of a fictional character whose hand I'll never hold

❌❌❌By interacting with this post you agree that aot is fascist propaganda, that fiction affects reality/being an anti anti is bullshit, and that terfs can eat shit and die❌❌❌

#self insert #selfship #selfshipping #f/o #self inserting #fictional other #selfship prompts #self ship #selfinsert #i am venting somewhat. dont worry #i forgot to take my melatonin and thought id be fine but its 12 30 am and im haunted by excruciating thoughts of dread and sorrow

[amethyst-skeleton]

.

#i hate being comforted #im not crying for help bc lord knows it never works #i am simply venting feelings into the void #and when people try to comfort me and reassure me and validate me #i feel shitty bc idk what to say and i feel like i am making them pity me #i dont want to irritate you with me being a fuck up and not really taking in your positivity #i appreciate it so much but its really hard to let it sink in especially when i feel like this #and i dont want to seem shallow or attention seeking #eventually i will function somewhat again and until then i need to be annoying and sad and mopey and self depreciating #but i dont want to drag everyone else down with me and make them worried or pitying or burdened with me #and yeah #sorry #i enjoy comfort and having someone to talk to (edit btw) its just hard for me to deal with sometimes bc my brain doesnt like the concept #of people caring about me and if people care about me then i am negatively impacting their lives by making them pity me and i dont want them #to struggle like i am ya feel me

[system-of-a-feather]

So having a subsystem is interesting

[Disclaimer: This is very “our experience” based and not meant to be educational. This is conjecture and is thoughts that have not been passed with our therapist; take this with a grain of salt as our experiences and not as facts or reflections of all DID / OSDD]

This isn’t actually anything relevant to anything currently going on in our life - in fact due to stress, I haven’t been the most in communication with the system or subsystem save for Lucille and another alter - but I was thinking about it and having a system within a system is interesting.

Cause as it is, our system as a whole is a DID system, very firmly. I used to be like “well our amnesia isn’t that bad” but at this point, having my therapist comment on stuff the alters said and having it be hardly anything close to, having more information to an unreasonable level, and / or being entirely new news to me and just a lot of other things, the dissociation between parts - ESPECIALLY outside of the few minutes before and after a switch, but given anything like an hour after - is really large.

We have decent communication, but overall memory is really bad and clearly between parts. But while we as a whole are a DID system, my personal subsystem seems to have amnesia that I think runs A LOT more like a OSDD-1B system

Don’t take this for like, science or educational as much as it is just my experience and conjecture as someone with it since I am thinking about this in a more practical-first hand manner than any third person text-based description and as a result my understanding of OSDD-1B amnesia (as I haven’t discussed this formally with my therapist and I know I have DID not OSDD-1B as of right now) and DID amnesia; but I do really think the dissociation and amnesia with the subsystem is a lot more of a OSDD-1B manner

If anyone would like to add their thoughts or compare it to their experiences with OSDD-1B or DID to see if it relates, feel free to since I’m going to *try* to explain the distinction between the subsystem (wondering if it is more OSDD-1B) and the overall system (DID System)

It might just be superficial just an our-system thing, but I am curious to see.

So for our main system, when it comes to the general system, amnesia between parts feels very whole. While sometimes I do remember things that another alter did or thought (especially if it is just academic / semantic memory / facts), something they had asked or communicated that they would do, or it was just before or just after a switch, often I will come across moments that will be “I literally have zero recollection of that” and moments where I literally had no idea that they said things or did things. If they have a conversation that is particularly emotion driven, it is very very likely I won’t recall it and if I do, it is more likely me pulling together scraps of context and what I know about their state. 

Yes there are moments where we can share information and know what happened with another alter, this especially so with healing and recovery and more frequent with parts that have extensively worked to bond and understand one another (me and Lucille, Lucille and Ray mainly) - but a lot of the times I get told things by a reliable source or look back in messages and have little to no recall of it. Someone can tell me “Ray went on a three hour vent about [insert issue]” and I can often go “Oh yeah about this and I think he said that right?” having gathered that from context clues and what I know about his current state and on multiple occasions my therapist would go “No he very clearly said opposite and made that established” and I would sit there shook cause I didn’t know that was a thing that bothered him at all.

On the other hand, with my subsystem, a lot of the dissociative barriers and memories are primarily around emotional memory and regulation more than anything. Often I will still remember that the part was upset, I will often remember decent chunks of what they had said or done. Often I do remember their behavior (other than my generalized dissociative amnesia as myself that causes things to fade within a few days) and when we switch it is less a stark change but more of a “Lol I don’t know what happened there” more in a sense of “I really don’t emotionally remember why that was such a big deal because its not but okay I’m good now”.

Often the content and what had caused the part to breakdown is usually still intact and in my awareness. Often I still know a good gist of what had happened and while I might loose details of what exactly was done and said, I am usually not being told things happened that I didn’t have a pretty close understanding of that happened. Again, some information is lost, I might forget where they put things or might have lost an aspect of the vent and I wouldn’t be able to recite it perfectly or understand it, but I do remember a decent majority of it. Probably around 60-75% of the time it is more like I am ghosting behind during it all so I personally have some awareness of it.

The place where the dissociative amnesia comes into play is “why does this matter” and “I dont remember why this felt like such a big deal” and it often comes off as a “Well I don’t know who THAT was because I wouldn’t act like that.” Its not a different identity because of the dissociative amnesia but because there is a dissociative / mental disconnect from the behavior of one part to the next and each of us behave distinctly in ways that we go “Well that wasn’t me because that behavior makes NO personal sense to me.”

And like Jii (who is sometimes on this blog) was mainly in the sub-system but has kinda been moved out of it for stability purposes s they are somewhat in between the two and somewhere in between how the amnesia with the main system and the subsystem works and that’s just an interesting topic in its own regard.

Similarly to the main system, at this point if they go on emotional vents or have major breakdowns, I will often really struggle to remember the actual contents and the worries and very personal stuff that they are going through, but beyond the high emotional moments, we still do tend to interact and communicate and co-front similarly to how the sub-system works.

And also with the subsystem, just a post-hoc clarification, but I DO NOT have them constantly co-con or anything and often can’t reach them, that is more of a “when I do this is it” since most of my sub-system is dormant from what I know for the sake of stability until I sort out a balance with Jii who is being adjusted to be the subsystem Primary Protector - but that is beside the point

Anyways I hope my ramble on OSDD-1B and DID and subsystems entertained you and if this brings up any conversation points I’d love to hear from it XD

-Riku (Host)

#alter: riku #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #osdd-1b #subsystems #subsystem #alter: jii #dissociative amnesia #dissociation

[mbeju]

I hate everything right now. I see my classmates did all the stuff I tried to do in the semester and was told every time "no" and it doesnt make sense. I cant fucking believe in going to try again once more. I never hated someone before but now I do. My anger is so big i cant put it into words.if I were to describe the past 6 months of my life ut would be with the word "miserable" and i know it could be worse and im lucky ny family is okay but it is about me, about crying evey single day, asking myself what am i doing with my life, did i waste the past 4 years of my life, why cant I understand, blaming everything on myself and the teachers not receiving any blame, does it wven cross their mind that they also are at fault somewhat bc they dont know how to do online classes? But its the same fucking story every year seniors say the same thing, people working say the same thing, did it ever cross their mind to study how to teach or do they believe that just bc they know a lot that they can teach? Now I have 2 more weeks of this shit and everything i feel is anger, no more sadness or worrying just rage. I feel like this semester has been so unfair, bad wifi connection and asking "can you repeat what you said please" and them getting pissed bc they cant have a crtique like this repeatinf everything, im sorry but i cant control the fucking internet, it rains and electricity iscut, places get flooded, roads disintegrate and ofcoursw the wifi gets shitier this country goes to sht i know you know that too. If we are going to do this zoomclasses thing you have to rwpeat stuff sometimes bc wifi connection is out of our control and the call gets cut. A classmate once asked the teacher to repeat somethinf and they said "NO it's exactly what your heard your wifi didnt get cut" who tf are you to say that how do you know dude

Somethinf I miss abour in person classes is feeling like I can communicate with the teachers, zoomclasses dont do this. Ifeel theres such a big barrier. I paid everythig like it was a normal semester and actually it isnt worth it i regret taking some classes bc i just gave my money for nothing, specially this one. But my complains wont be taken into consideration bc they will say im angry bc i failed. Even classmates that did better think the aame but no one will actually listen to us.

Im just venting ill be okay i just cant control in a calm way all the things ive been feeling for so long

#personal

[the-writer-ofthe-fandoms]

Spectacularly (Barry Berkman)

Pairing: Barry Berkman x NB!Reader Words: 1.1k+ Warning(s): some mild violence, harsh insults A/N: I wrote this as a little vent piece, my half brother is being an ASS so i wanted to vent uwu i hope yall like it and dont mind

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You gripped your cellphone tightly as the other end hung up. Your brother had called asking for money once again, and it was the same sob story of "losing his job and really struggling with rent" when really it was him gambling or drinking most, if not all, of his money away. You finally put your foot down, you've given him money in the past and enough was enough. He yelled nasty things, things that boiled your blood, and threats before hanging up the phone.

You grab your bag and head out to your acting class. You needed the classto help with the shit your brother started today, and you need to talk to someone you are extremely close to: Barry. You know of his past, one PTSD outburst led to that discovery. You weren't fully sure how to feel about him being a former hit man but you believe he was trying to get out of that life. With that exchange, he knew of your rough history with your family and the issues that led you to L.A.. Barry was the person you trusted the most and right now you needed him.

----

You plopped right next to Barry with a loud sigh, letting your head rest on Barrys shoulder.

"Bad morning?" He asked.

"My brother called asking for money again." You groaned. "I finally told him no and he flipped his shit. It brought back bad memories just listening to him scream at me and blaming me. Does that make me a bad sibling for not helping him?" You lift your head from his comfortable shoulder when you asked your question.

"Oh god no, (Y/N)." He shifted in his seat to properly face you. "You've given enough to that man and all he does is think about himself. He hasn't changed so it's completely reasonable to cut him off. Someone important I know told me something similar to help deal with Fuches." The cornors of Barrys mouth lifted into a small smile, a contagious smile that influenced your own smile. "How about we get take out and uh... Uh and hang out at your place?"

"Yeah, that would be fun Barry."

"Okay people! Places!" Gene waltzed on stage, and everyone got busy for rehearsal.

---- You and Barry got out of his car, containers of Chinese food in hand. You were both smiling and laughing as you approached your house, but you suddenly stopped in your tracts.

"Whats wrong?" You heard Barry as he stopped with you.

"My lights are on... I know I turned them off before I left."

"Stay behind me." His voice and facial expression changed to something you never seen with Barry. You complied, staying behind him as he walked to your front door. You both take notice of the door slightly open, which made your heartbeat increase. Barry placed his hand flushed against the door as he slowly pushed it open; he slowly leaned in to take a quick glance. He took slow, quiet steps into your home and you tried your best to follow his way of walking.

In your living room, your brother stood hunched over your couch, its cushions strewn about. You noticed other items like your lamp or plants were either misplaced or tipped over, and you were sure other areas in your house looked the same.

You were hesitant, but you addressed your brother regardless as you set the food on a near by table. "What the hell are you doing here, Mark?"

"O-oh hey, (Y/N)!" He smiled, though his tone and body language pointed to him being nervous or scared. "I know you said no to me, but I really need the money-"

"No. I told you no earlier and that is final. Get out of my house now or I will call the cops."

"Come on, (Y/N). That's no way to treat your own blood is it?" His demeanor changed like a switch, just like he has done before in the past. "Just give me the damn money."

"Hey, they asked you to leave, so leave." Barry spoke up, his face stern as he glared down your brother.

"Who the hell are you? Why don't you shut the fuck up and stay the fuck out of our business." He snarled. "You're just their quick fuck aren't you? Is that where all your money is coming from, (Y/N)? Huh? You selling your body for cash. How filthy." Your brother sneered in your direction.

Before you knew it, Barry had stormed up to him. He gripped the collar of Marks shirt and had him hovering slightly over the ground. Barrys eyed were wide, his brows scrunched with anger and his nostril flaired as his mouth was a deep frown.

"Barry!" You exclaimed. You see his fist shaking as he kept his grip on your brother.

"Don't fucking talk about them like that you hear me?" Barry snarled with such an intensity it made you scared. He then released your brother with a slight shove, "Now leave, or else."

"You're a fuckin' freak." Your brother stumbled back from the shove. "A perfect match for that crazy bitch." He spat and made sure to shoulder check Barry on his way out. Your brother slammed your front door with tremendous force, and you scurried your way to the window to watch and make sure he got in his car and drove off.

"God, I am so sorry for that Barry." You sigh painfully as you turn to face him.

"Hey hey hey don't worry about it (Y/N)." He rushed over you and enveloped you in a somewhat awkward but much appreciated hug. He pulled away, but kept his warm hands placed on your shoulders, staring directly at your eyes.

You weren't sure what came over Barry, and you definitely weren't sure what came over you. You both were slowly inching your faces close together before your lips met in a soft kiss. It was sweet, and not something you fully expected from the awkward but amiable Barry Berkman. You both move apart slowly, taking in what just happened.

"Shit, I'm sorry (Y/N). I know its an emotional time-" Barry started but you cut him off with another short kiss.

"It's fine. I liked it, and I like you Barry." Your fingers grip his jacket and you avoid eye contact, heat flushes to your face from slight embarrassment.

"Well I also like it and I like you too." Barry said as serious as he could, but ultimately let out a chuckle. "This feels like highschool."

"Yea it does." You chuckle as well. "As much as I love this moment, I think our food is getting cold."

"Oh shit you're right!" Barry scurried over to the food, while you smiled. Although the night started off rough, and a little scary... It ended spectacularly.

#barry berkman #barry berkman x reader #barry berkman x you #barry burkman imagine #barry burkman imagines #bill hader #bill hader x reader #bill hader x you #bill hader imagines #bill hader imagine

[serenagaywaterford]

Sorry for sending you this. I come from a conservative family, and my friends aren't open-minded when it comes to sexuality. I have been madly in love with a woman who is much older than me and does not love me back. She is straight and married and my family hates her and do not want me to see her (complicated). Nobody knows about any of this. I have to lie about who I am. I tried dating men but can't get intimate at all. It's been 10 years. I feel awful. Like things will never get better.

Straight up: Do not apologise. Don’t. You have nothing to apologise for at all. Knock that guilt out of your life cos you don’t need it.

Sometimes we all just need to vent to someone that can understand and I’m glad you have found an outlet. It’s poisonous to hang onto everything inside yourself for so long.

I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because while my family is somewhat conservative and religious as well, and I was absolutely fucking terrified of them knowing, I only had to experience a slight disowning by my father (on Christmas Eve as a nice little bonus). He was livid. My extended family was sort of... well, they just don’t say anything around me. My grandfather too is someone I’ve often heard say homophobic shit, but eventually he came up to me and said as long as the women in my life were treating me right, he had no problem. And the thing is, I believe him. It’s funny how people are forced to think of things differently when suddenly it’s someone they love. I mean generally, there is a much larger distance between me and my (extended) family than there was before, but it’s not hateful at least. A bunch of them came to my wedding, including my grandparents. They are still just as conservative and religious as ever... but some people, may not be as scary and bigoted as you think, or as they say. But I wouldn’t bet on it either. I just got lucky that even if they do think it’s wrong/sinful/gross, at least they don’t say anything to my face or treat me any differently than before. It’s always gonna be something in the back of my mind though, a doubt. There is no way to shake that. I am literally the only lesbian in my entire family, which consists of 100s of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. It’s statistically ridiculous but I am the only one who is out, at any rate. No other ones have even hinted they’re gay. It’s very isolating but it is what it is, and it’s up to them to accept that, not up to me to change to please them. Neither is up to you to hide or change yourself to please your friends and family.

And I lost A LOT of friends. Like, most of them, when they realised I was serious about “the lesbian thing”. It’s not all happy times. You will have to be prepared to lose most, if not all of your friends, and it’s fucking awful. And the sad fact is, many of us need to be mentally prepared to lose friends and family because they’re bigots. However, A FEW may stick with you. They may not all be horrible. But honestly, you never know until it happens.

If you want advice, I’d say try as hard as you can to get over this much older married straight woman who doesn’t love you back. I will have to side with your family on not wanting you to have anything to do with her. Cut all ties. She will only bring you more stress and heartbreak. I don’t know how old you are but age gaps may seem fun in fiction, but in reality they are really difficult. I say that as someone whose wife is 12 years older than me, and I know many other lesbians in relationships with age gaps. (It seems to be a thing?) It’s really fucking hard to connect sometimes and you will absolutely see some really important things from wildly different perspectives because of age, and there will be unresolvable tension sometimes because of that. And furthermore, the older one usually has far more economic power in the relationship which can be very toxic, and unless they’re a good person, can lead to really sketchy imbalances in the relationship.

Plus, she’s married. Look, it’s not going to work out for you. You’re only going to get hurt in the long run. Married people very, very rarely leave their marriages, and I find women even less likely than men to do so. I know one woman who was strung along by another woman who was married with kids (to a man), for YEARS and was basically made into an emotional labour servant and bankrupt. And if she doesn’t even love you back, there is no way she’s budging. She’s not even attracted to you if she’s straight. She’s using you, for something. I can’t tell what from the limited information but I am certain she’s using you for something. It’s really sketchy and she is going to really hurt you. You need to be proactive, cut ties with her, and try your best to fall out of love. 

Firstly, it’s toxic for you. You don’t deserve that.

Secondly, it may improve your relationship with your family. It is possible that it’s not so much the fact it’s a woman, so much as they see this woman as taking advantage of you and you being blinded by infatuation. I cannot make any guarantees, but perhaps their perspective would change if they saw you involved in a more equal, less unhealthy relationship with a woman. They may just be scared for you. Hell, I’m worried for you and I don’t even know you.

Please, please, please forget about her. I know it may seem like there is nobody else, but there is. Somewhere, whether that’s someone you connect with online, or another person in real life. There are people out there, and probably in your town who feel exactly like you. (If you’re in a larger city then definitely there are.)

Lying about who you are is fucking torture. 10 years is a fucking long time to hide yourself. I’m so sorry you have to do that. But don’t harm yourself even further by forcing yourself into relationships with men. You'll end up just (re)traumatizing and depressing yourself even further. Think of it this way: it’s better to be totally alone, than forcing yourself to be with a man. I know it may not seem that way, but unless you’re gonna find yourself a gay guy who needs a beard and you come to some sort of understanding, it is never going to not be painful for you. (And even with that sort of arrangement, it’s still lonely and a lie.) 

It’s sounds cliche and stupid but it will get better. It honestly will. But it may not be anytime soon. That’s the biggest problem. It could be tomorrow, it could be 2 years from now. But it does, eventually. The sooner you can stand on your own two feet and feel like you can cope without family, the sooner you can be true to yourself and finally happy. (Unless you’re in a country where homosexuality is illegal. In which case, I have no real advice cos I have no experience or knowledge. I’d probably suggest something unsafe by accident.) I find the fear of losing connections with family causes A LOT of issues. And this isn’t even necessarily about being gay, but it happens in all sorts of situations. (Leaving a religion, drugs, career, racism, etc.) Family are not the be all and end all of life. You can find and make your own family.

I don’t know any details of your complicated situation but all I can say is forget about this married straight woman. She’s not worth it. You need to disconnect from her as soon as you can. That’s the first step. I know it’s very lonely and miserable, and you feel isolated and hopeless (been there too), but what’s important is finding (or making) friends who don’t judge you for those reasons, and develop a support system--even if it’s just one person in real life and a few online. Then you can worry about family and finding a new love. In the meantime, look for new friends, online or not, find new hobbies to fill the time and use the energy you’re putting into this straight woman. Try dreaming about your perfect woman, and dont’ put this straight lady’s face on her. Just dream, if nothing else. You need to distract yourself from her, and distance yourself from her.

You will someday find a woman to love you back, and that you can love, and whilst I can’t guarantee your conservative family will ever come around, some day their opinion won’t matter nearly as much. Or they may surprise you. You’ll have what you need through other ways. You are lovable and someone will find you. I know how stupid it sounds, but you really just need to hang on a little while longer.

I know these words are pretty easy to say and a lot harder to live, but if nothing else, know you’re not alone. There are 1000s if not millions of women just like you in the world. Somewhere. I honestly hope things get better for you and I hope you find someone who deserves your love.

Again, never apologise for sending messages like this. To anybody. Venting and ranting is always welcome here. BIG HUGS, ANON. xx

#much love #Anonymous

[debbstepps]

Oof

I’m drowning in so many story ideas!!!!! I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO STAR AS MOST IMPORTANT AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

so anyway, since I haven't posted anything in a while, I’ll deviate from “Globalization”, and post a few shorts about my other stories I have barely worked on.

Enjoy, I guess. \../

Ps: sorry for any spelling mistakes and choppy writing, wrote this when I was in high school and did only minimal editing.

Once upon a time there was a very handsome adolescent.

And this handsome, stupid adolescent, lived in a palace, for he was a prince.

In this palace, where the handsome, stupid, lazy, adolescent lived, there was his mother, the Queen, the father, the King, and his younger brother and sister, which were twins, which were the prince and princess.

There were also the servants, maids, hand maids, butlers, kitchen staff, knights, guards, cleaning staff, stable staff for the horses, and the royal pets.

There were many other kingdoms that this narrator barely knows of. Which the prince, barely thinks about.  The kingdom, which the handsome, stupid, lazy, unkept, adolescent dwells in, is the center (somewhat) and the most productive out of all the other kingdoms round about it. Very agricultural, conservative, religious, with every person looking out for the other.

There were forests, swamps, rivers, lakes, and ponds, a variety of wild animals which rarely attack the commoners, and other stuff which this narrator knows a lot about, but is too lazy to explain.

More details of the kingdom will come later, when the handsome, stupid, lazy, unkept, ridiculous, adolescent, does the unthinkable.

But back to the story…..

This adolescent was the next heir to the throne, but he could care less.

Sometimes this adolescent would pull pranks on the royal subjects for the sake of it because he was “sooo” bored. I mean, how could his parents subject him to such boredom? Math, physics, chemistry, English, biology, sociology, hieroglyphics, the list can go on! He couldn’t even play and have fun like the rest of his mates. Not like he had any.

“It just wasn’t fair” the snotty prince yelled to his butler.

“Why can’t I have a normal life like everyone else!?” he yells some more.

I internally sigh. Can he get even more spoiled? Anymore annoying? I mean, royalty and all, but really? If he really wanted to get back at his parents for breathing riches into his nostrils, he could give all he had to the poor. But then he’ll just say that it isn’t worth it. OKAY THEN, is what I would’ve said.

“How about this?” I suggest to him, earning his interest.

“How about I take you into the city to explore? Of course, I’ll have to accompany you because I don’t think you know how to brush your teeth by yourself” I say as a joke. The prince took it in another way.

“REALLY!!??” he exclaimed, “So I’ll get to visit my friends and meet new people- OH, I’ll even get to meet the priest and tell him how I really feel about his teachings instead of lying to his face- heck, I’ll get to lie in everyone’s faces.. HAHAHA”, he begins laughing more to the room than to himself, and I begin counting down the days of my death.

“Before we set off, prince, we’ll need to carry some luggage. Money, clothes, more money, soap, sponges, toothbrush….. more money, some garments for when it gets cold at night, and a hat to block the sun from your eyes….. and even more money” I start counting off the things on my fingers. I sneak a quick glance at the prince and behold, he’s staring out the balcony like a Disney princess, wondering when will his life begin.

I sigh, heavily.

Surely this wasn’t in the job description when I applied to this post. I mean, a butler was meant to attend to his master's needs, but this!? I feel like I’m babysitting a grown five your old.

“Butler, we mustn’t tell Father or Mother, or they’ll kill me gracefully, and murder you brutally” he whispers in a sing-song voice. Why does he sound happy?

“Of course your highness, I will make sure all the other staff, which you have taunted, will exercise self-control, and will try not to tell the king and queen that you have momentarily run away to seek vain freedom”.

The prince grins widely like he had not sensed the sarcasm dripping from my every word. I worry about his social skills in the outside world.

I check the time on my watch and tell the prince to start packing so we can have an early start in the morning. He nods his head before skipping to his closet. I watch him take out a feathery hat with weird designs and see him throw it in the pile of clothes he might consider taking with him on the trip. My worries intensify.

I steadily close the doors to his room and begin walking down the hallway. I look at all the paintings that are on the wall. Paintings of the royal family and their lineage, others of famous men who fought bravely in battles and wars, of woman who, when they had life and death in palms of their hands, decided to let most of the soldiers live, and many more.

My mind wanders. I begin reminiscing those days before I became the royal prince’s personal butler.  It’s remarkable what can happen to you within 6 months of work. 6 months ago, I was on a job hunt, trying to find whoever can hire a scrawny teenager like myself. Although I knew that not many citizens in this kingdom can rely, or even trust on a teenager, let alone a black teenager, they should have at least considered.

Well, that’s what I would’ve said if I was still looking for a job, but now I’m glad that all those useless people turned me down. I have a job in the palace now. One they can never have, even if they tried hard enough.

I enter the staff resting room, where most of the maids and servants have come to relax, dreading the moment their masters will call them up. I bow slightly to them. They are my elders, even if I am in a higher position than them. They nod their heads in return.

The resting room is, surprisingly, spacious. A rectangular, stainless-steel table, is in the center of the room. Wooden chairs with cushions are stabled on either side of it. There is a gas cooker on the far end of the room, with tea and other personal refreshments. Brought in by the servants themselves. The floor is made of marble, one a commoner could hardly afford. I still find myself tip-toeing across it when I enter, careful not to leave marks or dirt.  Sometimes, the Queen stumbles down here (and I say stumble because it’s once in a green moon that she does) to bring in some biscuits and teas from expensive stores. She thinks we are cut off from the outside world and such and have no idea what she does.

Silly Queen. Isn’t it from the outside world that you brought us from?

“Oh, are you on your mini break?” Shianne, one of the maids ask me.  She has a caramel skin color, with bright brown eyes and curly eyelashes. Her hair was put into a big bun, quite messy looking too. She’s only two years older than me, but is married and has two kids. I’m still wondering why she married so young. Or how she does it.

“Well, after I saw my master pick out a horrendous hat to take with him on a trip, I’ve exiled myself, so I can still be called his butler” a hint of amusement evident in my voice.

The staff snicker at my remark, and I smile inside. I go and sit down near one of the dishwashing boys.

“Good day,” I greet.

“Good evening to you too,” one of them says smiling, “What is this trip the young highness is going to?” he whispers. The vents must carry a lot of noise, or, the highness is disgracefully loud.

“Well, this trip is to destroy his ego and get him off his high-horse, I presume. In reality, he says he’s bored and wants to do things that commoners do” I whisper smugly. By this time, all the boys are huddled around me, like I’m telling them the prince’s newest nightmare. Which, by the way, is what I do often when I have time to spare at the end of the day.

“Do the King and Queen know?” one asks.

“And what about the rest of the staff? The guards especially” another says.

“And who’s gonna cover for you? Certainly not I” a haughty voice jeers. I turn to the owner of it. Nelipot. Short cropped hair with an olive complexion. His caramel eyes hinted disdain. He had an overpowering aura surrounding him and we didn’t really get off on the right foot. I gave him a shrug.

“That isn’t my proble-“

“Oh yes it is!” he shout-whispers, if that makes sense.

“What happens if you two get caught wonderin’ in the middle of the night, and the king and queen ask where you’ve been goin’ to?” He pauses, wanting to let his words sink in before continuing (I made sure his words did not sink in),

“Sure, you might say the prince suggested it, oh- but wait- YOU suggested it did you not!? Then they’ll ask if something is wrong with your head. Why you kept it all hushed and such,” his bulgy arms cross over his chest as he stares down at me like I’ve been warned.

I have been warned.

I cannot care less.

I stand up from my spot on the bench when someone tugs at the hem of my suit jacket. I turn to see who is tugging on me, and I peer down at the dark-skinned, blonde haired boy. He’s one of the younger dishwashers. Caring to the breakfast, lunch, and dinner plates of the palace, and cleaning up after formal gatherings held in the ballroom. He’s only been here for two months but has already become the princess’s favorite. Probably because of his appearance.

His big green eyes stare up at me. Warning me, cautioning me about the trip the prince and I have unofficially planned. I bend a little, making sure our eyes are leveled, smile gently, and take his hands in mine.

“Don’t worry Chip, we will arrive at the village safely, even if the prince might make a show of it, and we’ll come back to the palace in one piece, though with a few scratches and bruises” I assure him. He smiles slightly at my intended humor.

“Well, I know. But with everythin’ Neli kept yapperin’ about, can’t help but worry… yah know?” his voice barely audible. I am sure going to miss his sanity when I’m away.

He wasn’t one for yelling or shouting, but when you do catch him doing such, just know its not for the better.

“Yeah, just ignore him. He thinks he’s boss, working in the palace earlier than all of us, but his words will mean nothing if he dares speak to the prince in such manner. Besides, I’m the royal Highness’s’ butler, anything he says or does, I have to follow, no matter how stupid it may be” I place my hand on his shoulder as a gesture of comfort, “Don’t worry, his plan will go up in flames and will be nothing but ruins” I don’t say in a matter-of-fact tone because everyone knows the prince always got his way. This won’t be any different.

He nods his head in understanding and stands up to attend other duties, probably to keep himself from worrying.

I stand to my full height and see the rest of the young men staring at me. Nelipot glares before retreating to wherever. I hope it’s the underworld.

Having realized that my break is over (wasted over people who worry too much), I go back the way I came, taking a different route this time because I don’t want to see the hopeless prince just yet.

Heaven must know what he’s doing, or packing.

I walk up the stone stairwell and enter a long corridor. Glass windows reflect the setting sun on the horizon. I begin to walk slowly, taking in the view.

The world looks so peaceful when viewed from big, glassy, windows.

“Indeed it does”, a voice says.

I stop in my tracks and turn my head to where the voice came from.

The King.

Did I say that out loud!!!?

Oh heavens above. Oh Marry, mother of Jesus. Oh good Lucifer, sent from hell. Oh mount Zion. Oh-

(When in troubles, you could always count on the bible)

“Your Majesty” I bow.

“Oh, don’t do that, it could result in back failure”, he raises me from my bowing stance and stands next to me.

I dare not look him in the eye.

“the sunset looks lovely this evening, almost giving us a last farewell, before something devastating happens”, the king mentions.

I flinch. I feel ants crawling all over me.

The damn vents must’ve carried the prince’s obnoxiously loud voice, all over the bloody palace.

“Jonathan,” the king says.

I finally look him in the eyes. His ocean blue irises never ceased to amaze me. He looks very young, acts very mature (with a playful side), and talks like one of the elders. No one can compare the first-born prince, heir to the throne, to his father. At least that’s what I think.

“Yes, your majesty?” I try not to show fear.  

“Promise me that you’ll take care of my son, won't you? I know he can be a handful, a mouthful, and two-hands-full, but he is someone to admire, when he doesn’t speak like a spoiled dog” the King addresses.

My mouth hangs agape. He begins to laugh.

Maybe it was my shocked expression plastered all over my face. Maybe it was the-

No, it was just that.

“Jonathan, you act as if my choice of words against my son could’ve killed him. But you, you’ve been holding back so many gruesome words you would’ve used against him. I applaud your self-control.” He pats me on the shoulder before walking towards the way I had come from.

I stand there, flabbergasted, shocked, dumbfounded. Paralyzed would befit my posture.

Had I been an open book? Were my expressions so easily read? Does the prince know about my speech towards him? Oh hell, I’m in a nutcracker.

I begin to head to the prince’s room, hastily.

I wonder if he knew all along? Why hadn’t he dismissed me yet? Is he looking down on me?

I am standing near the prince’s bedside. He is currently in the bathroom, cleaning himself.

I stand aloof, thoughts holding races in my head. I stare down at my feet, feeling my eyesight becoming hazy and my mind losing consciousness.

Well, that’s what it feels like anyways.

Two fingers snap in front of my face, and I jump. Well, more like take a step back.

“Your Highness, I was just… uh just” I start tripping over my own words.

“Butler, whatever is the matter? Oh, did you have a run in with my father? You do realize that he is human right? No matter the status or role he is playing,” he shakes his head lightly, “all you servants and maids and such should always remember that”, he pats my shoulder before dragging himself to his bed.

I don’t do much, except internally scream.

Watching the young highness climb into bed to sleep, well, try to sleep, puts my thought at ease. I don’t have to see his face.

“Butler?” he calls out from underneath the covers.

“Yes?” I respond in a hushed voice. The silence in the room Is deafening. You’d think I would be used to this by now, having worked here for 6 months, but no.

“Tell me, when are we going to vacate this dreaded room and explore the unknown?” his voice muffled by the duvets.

“Hmm, all in due time, I suppose. Or whenever you feel like it”

“This is not fair. Shouldn’t you say yes to everything I say and ask of you?”

“Well, if everything you say and ask of me is stupid, I wouldn’t really say yes”

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“I called you numbness of mind and knowledge”

“That’s the same thing”

“I suppose”

The room goes quiet again. I can feel the prince’s eyes on me, staring.

I look to where the prince is, and lo and behold, he is staring at me.

His eyes are like his fathers. Ocean blue. Crystal blue. Piercing blue. Looking at me.

Boring holes into me. I stare back at him. My own, forest green eyes. They hold contempt, while the prince, mischievousness.

We hold this gaze for what seems to be like eternity.

“What are you staring at butler?”

“Someone who might make my hair turn gray faster than my age can manage” I retort.

The prince burst into laughter. I grin and take a bow.

The rest of the night resembles a baby smiling in its sleep, for no apparent reason.

#orphic #wip #shorts #dont know if ill continue this book #help

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1/ti/fi anon, thanks for ur reply. to clarify on 1+6, by smoothing things i mean making an active effort to resolve matters by saying sthing that is opposite of what i think is true, which i wont do. but i am fine not saying anything so as not to create or exacerbate a conflict. to illustrate, recently a friend vented at me+my isfj friend about someone she was mad at. from her words it was obvious she was misunderstanding the other person. i didnt point it out right then bc she would feel worse.

2/but tho i knew she wanted to have someone be mad with her/validate her feelings, i couldnt bring myself to dogpile on the other person when he’d done nothing wrong (which she realized few days later). so i said something neutral/noncommital like “im sorry ur having a hard day” technically true and i took care of her chores instead to help but withheld the entirety of my opinion. like i wont actively contradict if the situation calls, but i disengage/deflect instead of saying what isnt right.

3/my isfj friend joined her in anger tho she later told me she had no strong feelings but the other person was a stranger so he didnt matter, her priority was supporting her friend. i dont think shes wrong, and this was a very minor matter in the grand scheme. but even if im never going to meet this person it feels unfair to him and i cant help but wonder, if my friend had felt validated enough to take the argument with him further it would have caused needless strife.

4/re: se, i did consider it, worrying about potential bias in my typing. i test as INxP, but i know its bc i answer “yes” to qs on whether other peoples feelings matter and ofc u cant be a thinker unless ur a misanthropic edgelord. i ruled out judging; while im organised at work, i struggle with decisions and detest planning in advance. my first q was whether the N typing was right. i like adventure sports tho my lifestyle is sedentary. i love tinkering with things to see how they work #TOOLS.

5/but ur old post that resonated was how often im frustrated with the real world for not living upto the conceptual world in my head. my awareness of the physical world is poor for high se (i get lost easily). i crave novelty, but im among the “travels the world but only eats chicken tenders” people. im not sure i understand ur first statement, could u explain it a bit more? to clarify on my end, i know there are things people wont indicate, but i consider that not my business, even if im aware.

6/as they have a reason for not telling me. so i operate based on what they have said, rather than what i know. because of this, i give a lot of weight to words, both my own and others. i agree no one has intrinsic understanding of other people’s minds, incl. high fe. if anything, i find high fe can be bad at this on an interpersonal level as they impose generalizations on people whose needs differ but are bizarrely confident they can “read” people even with said person tells them otherwise.7/re: #8, by social world, i was referring moreso to rules of social convention/appropriateness, which fe users have a knack for (or perhaps define?). they comment on innocuous behaviour (not overt rudeness, things like not greeting every person as they walk into the office) as violating a norm i never picked on and it makes me second guess myself since i never thought of those things. surely everyone has some self doubt, but the frequency of this happening to me made it notable to mention.

——-

Okay, going through this:

1-2: that clarification is helpful. That can just be decent maturity in most types (though as you mentioned FJs tend to side with the friend) - few people are going to full-on throw someone under the bus just to make someone else happy, so the smoothing over, especially if the person who’s upset is someone you like, is often just a neutral statement or “that sounds frustrating.” The just giving in is something I at least use for people I don’t actually respect much and for situations where I don’t think a strong stance will help. Kind of a “don’t get in a mud fight with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and the pig will like it” situation. If it’s a friend who’s actually upset, even if I think they’re wrong, I think most people who aren’t assholes will try to remain neutral or focus on comforting the friend but not arguing until a later time. So…doesn’t really indicate anything other than you’re reasonably mature as a person and probably not an FJ.

I do think Se makes a lot of sense. I don’t know what old post it was but if it was pretty old, disregard it. We’re all capable of idealism - I’m confident that I’m a sensor and I get frustrated with the world sometimes. (I also have garbage spatial intelligence, though weirdly a good sense of direction). I think a current issue now that “intuition is psychic” is no longer as much of a thing is that people think they need to be absolutely flawless in their sensory understanding to be a sensor when it’s really a preference for the concrete. Also, the picky eating is not exclusive to Ne users - that’s one of the many statements that’s true about a lot of Ne users but isn’t really evidence for Ne on its own. My ISTP sister is one of the pickiest eaters I know, my ISFP sister is pretty adventurous. Food especially is weird and influenced by a lot of other things. But getting back to Se, the thought process of “they didn’t tell me, they must have a reason, let’s take them at their word” is more sensor. It’s not that sensors aren’t capable of realizing they might not have the whole picture; it’s that they aren’t going to look for the deeper meaning if there’s not a really good reason, whereas intuitives might look for the deeper meaning even if there isn’t one at all.

You are right about Fe (I find that high Fe users, and especially NFJs, are the worst offenders in imposing a generalized view of how people should be responding) but I think we’re sold that you’re not a high Fe user. The description of not feeling like you know how to interact with people does seem more like that of a thinker. While it’s tough to be positive on Ti/Fi at times, I’d seriously look at ISTP. You sound more like ISTPs I’ve met (than either INTPs or ISFPs), which I get isn’t super helpful but it’s what I’ve got. I’d also look at enneagram 9, which might be influencing the desire to just stay neutral and not instigate disagreement (and is pretty common in both ISTPs and ISFPs but I find more so in ISTPs. ISFPs have somewhat less chill in my experience.)

#mbti #extroverted sensing #introverted thinking #introverted feeling #Anon ask #answered asks

[aestheticghoul]

big negativity oof under cut im just venting and it needs to get out of me and out into the world but please dont read this if you dont want to hear me being gross and awful and if you’re also going through bad times, im sending you love. so, so much love, and you deserve it. i hope things get better soon

I've been posting some not-very-happy things on twitter and the urge to post all of my bullshit keeps getting worse and worse so im going to make a new twitter account and also vent here because tumblr is definitely a safer place to do this. I've just been hating myself and my body and every word that comes out of my mouth that i?? its unbelievable really i never thought i would get this sad again and it aches it aches in a way that seems unbearable and god it is so familiar and i can feel it sinking in and making itself at home again. i have been fighting the urges to not eat because i see too many people who care every day and it would be so noticeable to them and morally i can Not lie if someone asks me if I've eaten so i think im just going to power through and figure out a system where i can stop eating and also have no one say anything about it to me. i dont eat past 8pm anymore and I've gotten myself back to just having one meal early in my day?? that might help you know i just i just need to stop eating for a while then maybe ill feel better and go back to normal. i just need to be empty i jus feel so big and disgusting every time i look at my body in  the mirror it makes me nauseous. im going to the gym again starting tonight too but i know as i eat less it’ll be super dangerous like last time but ill figure that out when i get there, i think. its going to get better. i can be less sad and fine if i just have this i just need this for a little bit. i just want to get to a point where i dont feel like vomiting when people touch me. i want to be fun to be around and i want to be confident in my body and someone my partners like its just?? its SO hard and I've been thinking so much about demisexuality which is what i currently identify with but i dont know if it super feels right? i dont really think about sex but when i do it just makes me nervous or feel sick but i also really dont feel sexual attraction all that much it is so hard and i worry all the time about sex because i know the people that im seeing enjoy it and i want to enjoy it too with them but i am so terrified of my own body and just the thought of someone seeing me like that is sickening. the image of me doing anything sexual is just?? somewhat incomprehensible and i think its because i have such a hatred for my body. i dont know what to do or what will help. my ex has been messaging me again too. its bringing up a bunch of not great memories. i have no idea where to even begin with how to fix that. its just so disappointing, and its sad. i just feel disgusting  

#negative #negativity #dont read #vent

[transrightsjimin]

may have broken down in frustrated tears over stupid fucking Gezelligheid mentality AGAIN

(aka finding ppl visiting each others’ homes all the gd time and hugging nd kissing nd not wearing facemasks bc it’s SOCIABLE thats NORMAL and DUTCH and it’s somehow logical to consider this more important than making sure others dont get infected and DIE. and YES ppl still tell me them finding being social IRL more important makes sense even when i phrase it as a lesser priority over LOVED ONES DYING)

but this time it was to my autism coach who clearly didnt empathize w me being frustrated w my job coach not listening to me until asking nd nearly demandng after 6 attempts that yes i would like her to wear a face mask in the small office i met her in!!

nd i talked to my autism coach abt my very much immunocompromised mom and my grandma and my aunt nd just generally family wanting to visit indoors unmasked bc thats SOCIAAL!!

and ironically i was describing my frustrations w my job coach asking me, after angering me, why i was angry, nd tone policying nd saying i “should be more considerate to other people” (THATS WHY I WEAR FACEMASKS ND TRY TO NOT MEET UP CLOSE U ASSHAT!!! SO I DONT INFECT ND KILL PEOPLE!!!!) and “respect other people think differently about it” (I AM AWARE AND DO NOT RESPECT IT!!!!!) , IRONICALLY i ended up venting abt this w frustration bc i could notice my autism coach found it important too that i meet up w family irl soon (like my autism coaches nd gender therapist keep asking when we can finally have appointments irl again bc thats normal and just. NO. NO WHAT THE FUCK)

nd she too went like ‘im trying to empathize w u here but i do understand your family more and u do rly need to think of them too‘ nd i just broke down sobbing badly, like worse than usual in a way ive only had this intense nd briefly since recently, nd i felt so annoyed abt it nd she clearly did feel somewhat bad for me but also sort of tried to make my crying ok by reasoning im struggling to get into the routine of work / sleep and like thats true, but she said it more in a way to form an excuse for my super out of line act of crying over ppl not caring abt the fucking pandemic and treating me like a selfish weirdo for not considering their selfish feelings over their own and others’ lives.

its like just like w my job coach after my voice clearly shook in anger, nd she asked abt why i was going to the MRI scan i mentioned, nd i said it was bc of hormone imbalance and doctors worried abt me not having PMS regularly, nd she replied w like this sympathetic smile, like ahh thats why youre irritable, ‘ohh so you have PMS regularly, ah, yes that must be-‘ nd i was like ‘no actually it’s not regularly, i dont have it for months‘

i just feel lightheaded every time i stress cry now bc its too much stress nd devastation all at once. not to self victimize but life rn feels like im in a bad hidden camera prank where people try to convince me im insane for believing a deadly virus is dangerous and that doing so is very selfish somehow. except its not a prank and real and i hate it. idk how to even vent abt this to my best friend bc he doesnt deal well w expressing empathy bc autism nd like, we hug a lot but he doesnt rly know wht to say. nd maybe its true im going irrational nd acting too angry at fcking work or in public but thats bc the systems r so fucking messed up tht no one seems to be aware of shit like the dangers of pandemics?? capitalism?? cops (remember the new years story where i was concerned for a man in psychosis bc the whole street called the cops on him nd they didnt respond or say anything at all when i expressed i wasnt happy they called cops on him nd then acted like i was hysterical??)(FOR WORRYING ABT ROTTERDAM COPS!! WHO R OFTEN REPORTED TO ASSAULT PPL SEVERELY ND LOVE TO TALK ABT WANTING TO KILL PPL IN THEIR LEAKED GROUP CHATS??)??

like just w all of these things it feels like im talking to a wall when saying smth as simple as ‘í would like to ask you to keep your mask on when we’re in the office‘ or ‘no i would not like my vulnerable old family member to come over inside during a pandemic‘. maybe i am turning fcking nuts maybe!! maybe i might fcking lose it!!!!!

#rambles #longest rant i made in a while