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#i cant hate them for not drowning with me. its not like i would do anything different in their place really
caffeinatedopossum · 1 year
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My anxiety and depression feel like the ocean. Even when I'm not drowning in it, I'm having to fight to swim and it's exhausting. Even when I'm not swimming in it, it's still there, waves greedily lapping at my feet. It's always there.
I don't talk about it because there isn't much to say. Everyone already knows the ocean exists, yknow? Telling them it does just seems redundant.
Even when I'm sitting safely on the shore I can't stop thinking about it, staring at it, swaying where I stand because I've forgotten what it feels like to stand without the waves. Just waiting for the tide to rise again because I know it has to. Waiting for the ocean to disappear even though I know it never could.
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strwbrymlkshake · 1 year
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LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND
#mine#🎸#vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever#the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH#why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS#i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work#idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to#learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW#love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!!#if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!!#if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this#so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just#make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do#and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely#i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_–#everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings#if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this#im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane
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bi-buck-coded · 1 year
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No one really sees / reads my random personal posts anyway so im popping off in the tags
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barredandromeda · 1 month
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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prishdish · 4 months
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˖˚˳⊹"i really do love you.. im sorry"˖˚˳⊹
-warnings: Angst, depress!on, su!c!dal thoughts, detachment, scars, body dysmorphia, disassociation, not proofread, chubby reader. -chars mentioned: Scaramouche -wc: 0.6k -a/n: i dont even know what to say.. Um this is .. something.. enjoy?
masterlist
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as someone who felt every emotion more intense than others, it also meant feeling more sad. it should've been fine but you simply couldn't feel happy.. you have friends and family but still felt so lonely..
“helloooo” scaramouche waved his hand infront of your face to get your attention.
Suddenly looking up, you see him frowning at you. “what’re you thinking so hard about.. do you not wanna watch the movie?”
“sorry.. i just spaced out” you said embarrassed.. “just continue the movie, ill pay attention this time”.. Scara simply muttered a small ‘fine’ and resumed it.
Scaramouche is your best friend, the one you share everything with. But.. he could never understand the depth of your emotions.. The void you feel inside.. The aching loneliness that consumes you at every moment.
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“Yes lets go to the beach!! itll be perf....”
“ooh i just bought a new bikini…..”
“wont it be too sunny? ill get tanne….”
you drowned out their conversation and thought of excuses to skip… you had no other choice.. a bikini wouldn't cover your scars, stretch marks or tummy fat.. it would be on display for everyone to see your insecurities and then they'd hate you.
“guys im sorry but i have to study this weekend.. exams are close”
“again? but didnt you say the same last week…”
“oh come on! itll be so fun…”
“ugh she does the same everytime…”
Ofcourse they wouldn't understand.. They had the perfect body..
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The words were blurred as you tried to read them.. Nothing made sense to you anymore.. Your exams were near and you have to study but the words together don't make sense anymore..
Sighing, you went to splash some water on your face to wake yourself up. Looking up into the mirror, you saw failure.. Someone who cant study.. Someone who wouldnt be able to make a living..
You sat back down at your desk.. You can study and change your future right? its just a book..
But.. you cant make yourself read the words anymore.. you felt so tired..
Why cant you also be like others?.. Everyone else is so successful and perfect.. They have good grades, perfect body and happy lives..
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You sat on the edge of the roof.. This used to be your hang out spot with Scara but eventually you both stopped meeting there.
“where the fuc- YOURE HERE?” Scara dramatically sighed, huffing. “Ive been searching all over for you. Come on, ive made dinner.. you have to eat something”
You chucked softly at his caring nature and nodded silently.. “Scara?” he was about to leave but turned back to look at you “yeah?”
“I love you”
He chuckled in confusion “yeah yeah i get it, i love you too. no need to get all sentimental with me, its just dinner.”
You turned back to the sky once he left. He probably went to your kitchen to fill a plate for you..
You smiled at the thought. He was the best person you could've asked for..
And it hurts. He cared for you so much but you couldn't appreciate it..
Leaving never had to be this painful.. But a tear fell down and you closed your eyes, recounting your memories..
There were so many happy moments you never got to enjoy.. Sad moments you stayed numb.. And the huge gap in your memory.. and nobody knew how you felt because you never let them.
‘Im so tired… Im so tired..” You looked at your feet, dangling off the roof.. ‘i hate this .. i dont wanna do this.. but theres nothing else to be done’
You took a deep breath in.. “i really do love you.. im sorry”...
…..
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tags: @rubywonu @stygianoir @unsavoy-melon @kashiiwi @babbledabble25
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markiemelon · 5 months
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hii! i just found out about your blog! i wanted to request something but i also wanted to compliment your work! you have the writing style that pulls me in so that i really read the story word for word (most of the time i just skim through the entire fic to just get to the ending lol) so thank you for existing and writing these stories. they feel like a big hug! keep up the good work, i will definetly read your work in the future and catch up on your other work that i havent gotten to yet!
as for my request haha, i was wondering if you could write for jeno? im a sucker for soft jeno, but i cant really find anything that isnt wayyy too cringey. tbh soft jeno is very rare i feel like *sobs*
~
like, jeno is a really cold boyfriend who doesnt really show his affection, and even when he does, he doesnt admit it. for example, when he prepares a gift for you, he puts it in a place where a lot of people can access, so that you dont know that its him. haha and then when you ask him abt it, he pretends he has no idea what ur talking abt.
the only time that jeno is soft and cuddly is when ur abt to sleep or when hes sleepy.
can u js write abt jeno being exceptionally cuddly one day in bed, and the reader is really surprised?
also maybe jeno confesses abt sweet things hes done for reader in the past?
if ur not interested, please ignore! i know i wrote a lot haha, sorry.
bye!
@dungiewungie you are the sweetest. im so flattered. thank you for reading my stories!!!! thank youuu!!! so much!!!!! ♡ ♡ ♡
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pillows
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☆ genre. flufffff + no warnings
☆ pairings. jeno x gn!reader
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{11:55 pm ~ ♡}
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you and jeno didn’t live together, but somehow he always found a way back to your place. he loved staying with you. he loved the way that the pillows smelled of your shampoo and how your perfume lingered on the silky sheets…
side by side, you and jeno lied in your bed, heads sunken into your pillows.
“yn, why do you have so many pillows? we can barely fit on this bed.”
he was right, you did have way too many pillows, but you liked piling them up and burring yourself to feel cozy.
he tried to throw some off to the side of the bed but you wouldn’t let him. “noo. i need all of them.”
jeno rolled his eyes and pretended to act annoyed. he shuffled around a bit to get comfortable despite drowning in the fluffiness around him. the two of you lied in silence for a moment.
“talk to me.” he said.
“talk to you?” you answered.
“yeah. it helps me sleep.” his voice was quiet.
your lips stretched past your teeth as you thought of all the things you could talk to jeno about. you figured now would be the perfect time to confront him about something since he couldn’t really go anywhere...
“remember that time you got jealous when my secret admirer sent me flowers?”
“yeah… “ he said shyly. “also..i gave you those flowers.” he confessed, a bit hesitantly. “that was before we started dating so i was kind of embarrassed.” jeno rubbed the nape of his neck.
he avoided looking at you; he was just too flustered to.
hearing that made your cheeks light up. “jenooooooo!” you wanted to give him the biggest hug, but you knew he hated your cuteness aggression. so you just told him how adorable he was, and went back to drifting off to sleep…
“yn. come here.”
your head perked up as you gladly placed yourself the closest you could to jeno while still lying side-by-side.
“no” he said, “here.”
jeno put his arm around your back, and pulled your head to rest on top of his chest. “i meant here.”
you didn’t say anything, you just giggled to yourself as you thought about how funny it was that out of all the pillows you had to choose from, he was the softest one.
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thank you thank youuu for requesting! i haven’t had much time to write so I’m sorry this took soooo long. i really hope you like it ♡
-🍉
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second, never first
part fifteen
| part one | part two | part three | part four | part five | part six | part seven | part eight | part nine | part ten | part eleven | part twelve | part thirteen | part fourteen |
PLEASE READ WARNINGS
chris x fem!reader
summary - you grew up hating one guy all of high school but suddenly become friends, but as time goes on feelings develop, only its one sided.
warnings - swearing, kissing, use of y/n, mention of family issues (domestic violence between parents), fluff, mentions of underage drinking
word count - 900+?
NOT PROOFREAD
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living with an emotionally unavailable parent is soul crushing at times. yes i can say i have two parents who did love each other at one point but it came to an end. to my knowledge no one knows when my dad became a different person. always drinking, going from bar to bar every night, never affectionate to me or my mom, emotionally and apparently physically abusive.
he was never the parent to help you with homework at the dinner table, although if he did i left that table in tears, clutching my book and running up the stairs.
i always had a feeling he did that to my mom but i never saw it so i chose to block out those thoughts, until i saw the proof right in front of me.
there was many moments in which i thought they would eventually split up and i could just live happily with my mom but for some reason it never happened. reasons in which at this point im honestly scared to find out. seeing your parents relationship crash and never having a true representation of what love is can fuck with you.
which brings me to now.
silently crying in chris’ bathroom at 7am after a night out in which i drunkenly confessed to him that i loved him. i thought i did, but did i actually know what that meant? i sure felt it when i was with him.
home.
he felt like home. he felt like safety. he felt like comfort. he felt like when my world was crashing he could come with a toolbox and fix it within seconds.
sure thats what you would want out of your significant other, but i dont know what love truly is.
i sat on the toilet with the lid down with my face buried into my hands and tears that never seemed like they would stop. struggling to breathe for air as i my mind just raced with thoughts. my parents, chris, anna, everything.
knock, knock
fuck. me.
i get up and wipe my face, hand on the door nob slowly twisting it. i crack to door open and im greeted with the all to familiar blue eyes that i seemed to drown in every time i looked into them. his face saddens as i open the door wider and his arms come over my shoulders. “what wrong?” chris whispers as i wept into his chest. i dont respond and just shake my head against him. he pulls away and puts one hand on the side of my face and the other one is placing my hair behind my ear, “theres nothing you cant tell me y/n, why are you crying”
“i cant-“ i croak, dropping my head down and putting my hands up to face. “yes you can, what happened?” he sighs as he pets the back of my head. “i told you i loved you” i sniffle
“what?”
“i- i told you i loved you.” i say more sternly this time.
“why is that a reason to cry kid?” he whisperers wiping my tears. “chris what do i know about love, nothing. i was shown a fucked up version of an abusive relationship my entire life. thats no way to learn what love is, i dont know what it truly feels like. m- my dad fucked me over for my entire life by being who he is, i dont know if i can ever fix that part inside of me.” i let out a sob.
“well y/n i know what love is, i am standing with it right now” he begins, “this, this right here is love,” he points between us, “them, that is love” he points at the hallway meaning his brothers. “this” he kisses me, “that is love.”
i blink at him as he talks, just in awe of his way with words. “there is never a day that i dont worry about you, if your ok, if you want to stop this fake relationship, if you even give a shit about me.” he half chuckles, “i was shown love not just by my parents but by you.” he breathes.
“you might not exactly know if your in love with me but i sure as hell am in love with you.”
jaw, on the fucking floor.
“you what?” i sniffle. “i fucking love you”
i lean up grabbing either side of his face and pull him in to a kiss. the salt of tears and chris hitting my tongue and i continue to cry into the kiss as tears flow out of my closed eyes.
“i love you too.” i pull away and he leans in again.
home, thats exactly what this felt like. i had never felt safer than in this moment. maybe i didnt know what real love was, but i knew i felt it when i was with him. i felt it for months and it was right in front of me but i always believed it was too good to be true.
-
thanks for reading xx
taglist: @sleepysturnss @blahbel668 @alorsxsturn @w4nnabeurs @junnniiieee07 @waydasims @matthewloverr @bitchydragonparadise @matthewsturnioloswifey @iloveneilperry @stunza @realuvrrr @sturnsjtop @tubl-mc @lilsstvrn @sturniololol @sturnssmuts @emlovesthesturniolos
a/n: love you all<333
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starniolosposts · 1 month
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behind the fame (2)
part 1, part two
pairing: chris sturniolo x reader
summary: you are starting to drown in your life, from your job to your trauma— and don’t see a way out. then chris sturniolo comes into your life.
warnings: controlling, guilt tripping (none of this is from chris)
notes: do you guys like it? is there any constructive criticism you have? i just really hope its okay, its my first story. but i’m excited as well! (this is not proofread or edited)
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your phones ring tone blares through the bathroom, making your hands pause as you wash your hair. you had just gotten back home from that uncomfortable lingerie shoot that you never wanted to do. you gulped at the thought of everyone seeing you in such a vulnerable and exposed state.
contemplating, you shook your head and let your phone ring. you were in the shower with shampoo in your hair, why could you get out to answer it?
after your shower, you did your entire routine before looking at your phone. your eyes widened slightly in shock, caydens name displayed multiple times on the screen. he tried to call you 5 times and then went on to text you 10 times.
guilt bubbled up in your stomach as you chewed on your nail. what should you say to make him less angry? his texts were very passive aggressive, some just complaining snd some degrading. though thus wasn’t unusual for him,
you sighed and reluctantly pressed the call button.
of course he picked up in a millisecond, his tone making you shrink in on yourself. even just his voice has that much power over you, and you hate yourself for it.
"y/n, why didn't you answer me? it could have been very urgent. do you not care about me or this job?" he asks harshly.
you shake your head even if he cant see you. "of course i care! i'm so sorry, i was in the shower. i didn't see any of your calls or texts until i was out of the shower." you say, trying to convince him to not blow up. you hear him heavily sigh before he speaks with a normal tone, making you sigh in relief.
"well, it wasn't something urgent so you're lucky. i cancelled the shoot at 7, instead i want you to go to an influencer event. we need to start getting you out to social media, it'll help your reach to people." he explains.
relief flows over you, your stomach grumbling happily from the knowledge that you could eat without worry of bloating for the shoot or cayden knowing. "i agree, that would be great."
"good. i'll send you the details. make sure you look good, show off skin and look extra pretty. influencers from every platform will be there, some with thousands of followers and some with millions and millions." cayden chuckled, taking joy in the fact that he knew he was making you anxious about it.
you bit the inside of your cheek before responding. "okay, i'll try my best."
cayden didn't say anything before he hung up, making you set your phone down with a small huff. you stared down at your floor in thought. you were going to meet some of the biggest/trendiest influencers of right now, and you were very nervous. social interaction never came easy to you, you were on the shyer and more introvert side, despite your job. now you would have to introduce yourself to important people, and you knew cayden would be breathing down your neck the whole entire night. he would kill you if you screwed this up.
you were not very excited to say the least.
you got up and searched in your fridge for something to eat, and thought on the bright side of thing, at least you didn't have to do that bikini shoot early tomorrow morning.
as you sat at your kitchen island, eating a bowl of cereal even if it was late at night, your phone dinged. you grumbled and picked it up, knowing it was cayden since no one else texted you. he had sent you the details for the event. it was tomorrow at 6 pm, at a really nice venue not to far from your apartment.
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“remember, smile like you love them. they like to be appreciated and want to feel important. flirt if you have too, just make sure to give a good impression. have them remember you.” cayden directed, sipping on his whiskey in the back of the limo, you sitting next to him.
you gulped and nodded, taking a deep breath as you got closer to the venue. you looked down at tour outfit and felt goosebumps rise on your arms. it was freezing outside, but cayden had demanded you wear this revealing dress. it was black, sparkly, and tight, having a very low neckline to show off your breasts and a high slit going up to your mid-thigh.
“will you be staying at the event?” you asked, and your prayers were ignored as he nodded.
“yes. i’ll be watching over you, don’t worry.” he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. you only nodded once again.
the venue was beautiful. you stepped out of the limo in awe, mouth agape as you looked around at the marvelous outside. you yelped as a cold hand pressed harshly on your lower back, guiding you to the entrance.
cayden leaned down to your ear, “be good.” his tone was a warning, dark and threatening.
bad shivers went down your spine and cayden himself just caused your stomach to churn. you wanted to lean away but stayed frozen, only your legs moving to walk inside the big entrance.
as you walked in the venue on shaky legs with cayden behind you, people started to whisper.
“is that y/n l/n? i didn’t know she would be here!”
“woah, a celebrity is here? why is she here?”
“dude, did you see her wearing that lingerie shit? i want to fuck her so bad, now i have the chance to talk to her.”
your chest heaved in panic, your eyes staring down at your feet as you swiftly made your way to and empty table. you sat down and rubbed your forehead, easing your anxiety and panic. you never did good with attention, especially when it was negative or weird. good attention you were fine with, it was nice to be noticed and appreciated sometimes. but you hated the creeps or the people who made fun of you just because you were you.
“y/n, calm down. people will talk, its not that big of a deal. your behavior right now is embarrassing and outrageous. do i need to remind you of what i said?” cayden leaned down to look you in the eye, raising an eyebrow.
you blinked and shook your head. “n-no. i’m fine, i’m fine.” you cleared your throat and shook up, shoving down tour nerves and feelings as you started to walk around. you felt better with cayden following you, as he decided to sit down at the empty table with his drink and phone, not paying attention to you at all. it felt nice, freeing.
others peoples eyes were on you, but you tried to pay them no mind. you bit your lip as you try and find someone who looked welcoming or inviting, but could find no one. everyone was already in their groups/cliques, and it made you feel awkward barging into their group.
your looking at your feet to not make eye contact with anyone, but accidentally bump into someone. you gasp and stumbled backwards to fall, but someone grabs your arm and steadies you. its the guy you bumped into, and you stare.
he stares as well, shock written in his blue eyes as he searches your face in recognition. he clears his throat and lets go of your arm, “are you okay?”
you can only blink up at him, and it makes him chuckle at your silence.
“did you hit your head or something?” he asks cheekily, then sticks his hand out with a grin. “i’ll properly introduce myself. i’m chris sturniolo.”
chris’ introduction is met with more silence, and he tilts his head in confusion. he knows you talk, as you have on tv and interviews he’s seen. he knows who you are, who doesn’t at this point? you’re y/n l/n, the famous young model who is climbing the ranks quickly. he wonders what your doing here, at a influencers event. you were way to famous to be here.
your throat is dry and your heart pumps for a different reason than anxiety. his hair flips as his head tilts, eyes staring into yours with an unreadable expression. you gulp and mindlessly nod in response to his introduction, shaking his hand.
chris’ lips twitch into a smirk as he lets your hand go, and he gets a feeling that you wont talk easily. were you too nervous? lost your voice? maybe you randomly decided to go mute? did you not like him and not want to speak to him? he shrugs in his mind before sighing, “alright, well it was nice to meet you. my brothers are waiting over there—”
“can i come with?”
chris blinks before a smirk reaches his mouth, feeling accomplished. he got you to talk, and he liked your voice. “sure, quiet girl.”
you huff a small laugh at the nickname and quickly follow after chris as he maneuvers his way through the crowd of people. he glances behind him and smiles, “i warn you, my brothers will freak when they see you. they are fans of you and love your work.”
blush tints your cheeks, still not used to having fans and people that admire you. you nod and wring your hands, nervous to start meeting new people.
“chris! where did you run off to?! i literally just met larray and i’m freaking out.” a voice that sounded similar to chris exclaims.
your slightly behind chris, but can see the two carbon copies of him. your eyes widen in surprise, they were triplets?
chris smirks, and his brothers know what that smirk means. “what did you do now?” one asks with exasperation.
“nothing, i just bumped into someone too.” he said nonchalantly, building it up, “her name is y/n l/n.” you took this as you were supposed to introduce yourself, so you stepped into their line of sight and smiled with embarrassment.
the one with the nose ring stared at you with his jaw dropped, and the other one that looked most like chris had his eyes wide open.
“oh holy mother of fuck, it really is her! its such a pleasure to meet you, i’m nick sturniolo and this is matt.”
you laugh and your eyes crinkle from how wide you smiled. you loved when people weren’t to serious, and didn’t caring about what others thought. you could tell nick didn’t care, and you wished you were like that. “i’m y/n l/n.”
“no shit. you’re a full blown celebrity. what the hell are you doing here?” nick asks, then receives a small glare from chris and matt. “i mean— i’m just wondering why you would grace these people with your presence when they don’t deserve it.”
your cheeks turn pink and you shrug. “manager said it would be good for me. and please, just treat me like a regular person.” you tried to joke.
nick chuckled nervously, “yeah, sorry about my fan-girling. ill stop now.”
“good, your squealing was getting annoying.” matt starts to poke fun, but it made your eyes widen. you didn’t have any siblings, so you weren’t very familiar with how their dynamics worked. you watched in confusion and wonder as they started to bicker. you caught on pretty quick that they didn’t mean any of it was were just doing it for fun and teasing.
“they do this all the time, ignore them. they fight the most out of all of us.” chris says, standing next to you with his arms crossed as he looked at his brothers.
you nodded and softly smiled. you liked them already, they seemed genuine and made you feel as ease without even saying anything and without you even knowing them. it made you drawn to them.
chris feels himself get nervous and get small butterflies in his stomach when he glances at you, which has never happened before. he gulps and blurts out, “how is the event going so far for you?”
you pull a face and tilt your hand back in forth in a ‘so-so’ motion. “alright. its not really my thing, social gatherings.”
chris nods and laughs, “me too, i hate these event things. nick forced me and matt to come.” he grumbles, glaring at them, who are still going back and forth.
“i understand.” you whisper, thinking back to how cayden forces you to do things too. your mind couldn’t help but think back on the words he said to you in the limo. ‘flirt if you have too.’ you shook your head with furrowed brows. you would never just flirt with someone to get their attention, absolutely not. the thought of flirting with someone you don’t like romantically makes you uncomfortable, but if cayden was watching, would he want you to flirt with the triplets? you glanced at chris subconsciously and your eyes scrutinized him carefully. you liked his style, his hair looked soft, his side profile was attractive, his eyes that were looking at you—
you quickly looked away and felt humiliation and embarrassment fill you. he caught you blatantly staring with blush on your cheeks, how could this get any worse?
“y/n.”
your muscles immediately tense and your breath hitches at the sound of caydens voice behind you. the underlining tone of anger made you want the ground to swallow you hole.
chris, nick, and matt all turned to look at cayden standing behind you, confused and cautious from your reaction. chris was most suspicious as he saw the dread fill your eyes the second you heard that voice, and he couldn’t help but think something was wrong.
cayden smiled at the triplets, but even they could tell it was strained. “nice to meet you, gentlemen. i’m y/n’s manager, cayden anderson.” he sets a hand on your forearm, shifting you closer to him. it felt like a jealous and territorial move, and it made your skin crawl with uncomfortableness.
you gulp and stare down at the floor, wishing for this interaction to be over with. cayden always brought awkwardness, tension, and a whole ball of negativity to anyone close or trying to be close with you. ironic, since he tells you to make connections and then gets jealous when you try to.
the triplets could obviously feel the tension by their silence.
nick is the first to break the awkward and tense silence. “yeah, nice to meet you too. i’m nick sturniolo, and this is chris and matt. we’re triplets.” he explains, trying to smile it off.
chris glances between you and cayden, and he knows its none of his business considering he only met you 5 minutes ago, but you seemed so obviously uncomfortable and anxious around your manager that it was hard to miss. “nice to meet you.” he says curtly, deciding very quickly he doesn’t like this cayden guy.
cayden stared at chris dead in the eye, feeling his dislike towards him. he is surprised when chris gives him a dirty look while scanning him up and down, since not many people are brave enough to do that to a well-known and famous modeling manager.
“well, i think tonight is enough for y/n. she has a early shoot tomorrow.” cayden pats your arm before squeezing, making you wince and nod silently in agreement.
chris bit his tongue, forcing himself not to say anything to that. it was only 6:30, 30 minutes into the event. he glanced at you, “alright, good luck on the shoot.” he smiles, making you blink before a small smile grows on your lips. you didn’t want to leave, you want to get to know the triplets more. but you knew that you couldn’t disobey cayden, especially not when he was in this mood.
“thanks.” you whisper, and then you are whisked away by cayden, not being able to say goodbye to tour new friends? acquaintances? you didn’t know, you didn’t have a lot if experience in the friend department, as sad as that sounds. your whole life had been modeling, and you were taught to make no friends in the industry.
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“…was that weird, or is that just me?” matt speaks up, staring in the direction you were dragged off in.
nick nods and bites the inside of his cheek. “yeah, but she was really sweet and shy. i don’t like that guy though. crayon, or whatever the fuck his name was.” he grumbled.
chris sighed, ignoring the urge to go after you to… he doesn’t know. to get your number? ask you to stay? this was unlike him, being so unsure and anxious to talk to someone. usually he was fine with new people, making conversation easily, but with you its different and he doesn’t know why.
nick and matt glance at each other as chris was distracted, eyes staring off in the direction you were dragged off in with a sour look on his face.
“i wonder if he’s interested in her.” matt asks with a yawn. he is his triplet after all, he can tell when something like this happens.
nick sighs and rolls his eyes, “i’m pretty sure he’s already falling in love. he was quiet and he seemed nervous. you and i both know those are signs of a crush for chris.”
“i mean, she is y/n l/n. who doesn’t have a crush on her?” matt comments, scrolling on his phone mindlessly.
“true, i’m gay and i have a crush on her.”
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@enyaslover
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dajo42 · 2 months
Text
long post about substance abuse and addiction
the thing about me is i was dependent on alcohol for a few years and refused to admit it to myself forever until one morning when something clicked and i stopped but for the past three years its been... difficult. like. i still have dreams where im drinking but justifying it to myself like "this one doesnt count". i hate them
but im sober!!! and thats amazing of me
the other thing about me is i was also smoking whenever i could for a few years but also stopped doing that because i recognised it was another unhealthy dependency and... yeah the dreams happen with that too. the buying a pack of cigarettes and being like well these dont count these are a treat or whatever
but i still dont!! and thats also good!!!!
a third thing about me is for a while i was reliant on self harm to process feelings and i stopped that over a decade ago now!!!! thats so amazing of me
but
the most important thing about me for the sake of this post is that throughout uni i also developed an addiction to painkillers and would take numerous different kinds in dosages way above the recommended numerous times a day and it took a life changing conversation with a best friend in a train station for me to realise how unhealthy it was and how it was affecting people who cared about me to see me basically destroying myself like that
and thats
still ongoing!! i havent drank i havent smoked but i have at numerous points relapsed into full painkiller addiction and it fucks me up and my family still think i went to the hospital for food poisoning this time in 2022 but in reality i had been regularly near fatally overdosing for weeks
and its not like i can cut them out entirely because. they are prescribed to me for chronic pain. like. theres this painful line between taking the right amount to function and... feeling like i have to take more because i cant function without them. its like having an addiction to fucking.... water. i need it to live but its so often hard to tell if thats a real thought or if i think i need way more than i actually do in order to live and i fucking drown because the metaphor is about water
and right now i feel like im on the edge of relapsing again!! recognisable feelings and behaviours are creeping in!! and i dont want that!!!!!!
so im just posting about it on the internet i guess? to get the thoughts out of my head? to vent? to hold myself accountabld by screaming into the void? to ask for advice or reassurance? for somebody to tell me gently but firmly not to take more meds than i should. i took my normal dosage today. taking more would be bad and i recognise that but. i dont know. i dont know if i can trust myself not to tonight without being directly told not to by somebody who cares
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muffinsin · 1 month
Note
Hello my FAVORITE child, your Mother stopping by to drop a HC request if ya don't mind humoring me. I give you free reign with the maidens.... they are replaceable . But my vases and flowers are off limits still. You still do no wrong and are so perfect, smart and intelligent.
Also make sure u drain the blood the way Alci showed with the maidens. Now to my ask...... *unfolds a long ass piece of parchment paper and puts on my glasses*
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Ok so hear me out. You know my HC on Feral Cass after her Cadou implant. Like babygirl is dumb ass rocks. She cant speak, talk, read, write, like nothing. Her whole brain gets wiped from something going wrong w her Cadou. She ask like a legit animal, like growling and snarls instead of words. U know feral feral.
SO like I would LOVE to hear your HC's on what Feral Cass would be like if she is like on a hunt and finds a pregnant women in the woods. For some reason or the other the women is lost from the village cuz preggo brain. Like she can smell that the women is with child and gets maybe curious about just what that means. *dumb ass rocks Cass but still has those baser instincts to know that this isn't normal prey* And maybe Cass like ends up protecting the women from an attack *cuz u know those woods aint never safe* so she is even more confused on why she did that. Why protect this "bloated "human ? Its just a human... right? She kills humans just to kill, what was different about this one type.
OK I go now... I ramble. BYYYEEEEE MY FAVORTIE CHILD!!!!!!
Hello, Mother @darkittensniper ! I suppose the vases and flowers being off limits is acceptable aims hatchets at the windows Being right and correct and all😌🙌 Dw, I know how to drain em >:)
Nooooow, abso-freaking-lutely! We love sum feral Cassie in this house🙌
Let’s get into it :)!
Masterlists
Noises, smells, visuals, everywhere. Cassandra loves and hates it at the same time
Her head jerks, from left to right, up and down. Her eyes wide, her lips parted enough to allow a glimpse of sharp, white canines dripping blood
Every little sound has her attention
Every little movement has her twitch and glance in the direction
Every scent makes her growl quietly
A hunt- a good hunt, this one will be. Certainly
If only she could settle on a prey. There is simply so much to choose from, she’s foaming at the mouth and growling in excitement already
Birds, boars, rabbits, villagers and hunters, Lycans and bears, even a varcolac!
She turns her head to the right, so fast it feels as though her neck is snapping
Cassandra snarls at the sensation, and for a moment it’s enough to drown out the noise she has just heard
Ah, but it returns. Panting
Yes, unmistakably
Female. Exhausted. Panicking. Crying
Cassandra’s eyes flash dangerously for a moment
She snarls for a mere moment again, her claw-like nails digging sharply into the handles of her daggers. For a second she considers dropping them, before the memory of the special engravings on its handle remind her not to do so
Then, a smirk appears on her face when she catches the direction of the strange scent
She is ready to hunt
She runs fast, uncaring and unaware of her dress getting stuck on twigs and thorns and ripping free again seconds after
Often, it nearly makes her trip. She pays it no mind, only keeps running
She can’t think, can’t talk, can’t do a thing but follow the noise and follow her basic instinct to discover, claim, and kill
The closer the gets, the more feral she seems to become
Her mouth waters at the loud heartbeat she hears, her eyes widen at the overwhelming scent that hits her
Suddenly she stops in her tracks, so sudden it’s as if she’s run into an invisible wall
She snarls, then whimpers, as though in confusion
Certainly, this scent is different than a normal one
Hunger and brutality is met with curiosity
As her legs come to a final halt and she stalks quietly, she finds her prey
She moves under twigs and through bushes, quietly snarking and smacking them away with the sharp sides of the daggers
Her lips curl upwards when she finds her prey again, this time being granted a closer look
Panting, crying, hissing and groaning, clutching her bloated stomach. Poor thing. Not that Cassandra understands
A woman. This much is clear
You’re unaware of the feral, beast-like brunette watching you from among the trees
You don’t hear her growl, her snarl of frustration when she can’t figure out what’s different about you
You don’t care, either, though
Not when all your attention is pulled to your foot and the harsh metal spikes piercing it
The flesh of your ankle is swollen and red, pulsing and radiating heat. You cry out and pant to yourself as you attempt to work on the sharp metallic teeth
A bear trap
Cassandra catches wind of this, too
Her lips are all too dry, and as her tongue darts out to lick them, her eyes flash to the blood covering your ankle
Hunger takes over her again, and as she inhales sharply, a small, excited squeak passes her lips
Her head jerks sideways again when a roar is heard, loud enough to cover her hiss and growls of displeasure and loud enough for even you to hear
A bear
She feels excited again, her bloodlust returning wholly, among something else
She needs to slay this beast
She practically tastes your panic in the air as the sound rings out and scares nearby birds
Is she about to watch the bear devour you? It doesn’t seem so
With a mind too clouded, the feral brunette can’t even entertain the idea of it
Instead, she swarms fast, the tip of her dagger grazing your shoulder as she stands in front of you
Protectively, even
She bares her teeth at the large animal coming from among the twigs and bushes, her own, sharp canines on display, blood and drool forming at her mouth
The beast stares for a moment, as though to think this over
Both are locked into a staring match, neither advert their eyes, neither moving at all
She takes in the black fur, the brown eyes, the mouth pulled to form a snarl similar to hers
Sharp teeth, perhaps even sharper claws on the animal’s paws
She practically vibrates with excitement, her flies buzzing both excitedly and aggressively
After a few seconds, she can’t stand the anticipation any longer
She charges, a growl and snarl coming from her
Yet, in her dizzying bloodlust and excitement, she is once again too fast and little strategic
As the bear moves sideways, Cassandra hisses. She slams against one of the trees, the wood hard against her shoulder
She snarls angrily, her body turning back to the bear running at her. It too is ready to charge now
She rips herself from the tree, her daggers slicing harshly into the bear’s massive neck
As blood spills and slaps her in the face, she laughs, the sound almost high pitched in excitement, the most human one she has been able to make so far
Clearly, she is enjoying herself
You watch in awe as she fights the beast, the show temporarily distracting you from the aching and biting pain of your ankle
The bear falls fast, a loud roar the last sound coming from it when daggers and teeth dig into its neck and rip brutally
A quick death, albeit a bloody one. You wonder if yours will be the same
The brunette hasn’t yet turned her attention back to you
She’s studying the body, sniffing and prodding, cutting and licking the blood off the blades, uncaring when she accidentally makes a cut at her own tongue or lip
You watch her, elegant, yet not elegant at all at the same time…her movements are fast and animalistic, feral
She snaps her head when she hears something, sniffs and tilts her head to examine the corpse
And yet, the way she holds her daggers, the way her back is just slightly arched as she has a look…she has something regal about her, a mere trace of elegance deep within
You turn your attention back to the bear trap
When you attempt to grasp one of the metallic claws and tug the trap open, you nearly scream in pain. It doesn’t budge, and you can’t see it properly with your stomach disallowing you to sit up as you’d like to
You bite down on your lip harshly, so that only a whimper comes from you, and gently stroke over your stomach to calm yourself
You remember what you have been told. To stay calm. To avoid stress. Well, that’s working out well for you…
Yet, you don’t realise that your pained whimper immediately has her head snap back to you
She’s back at you in an instant, her eyes following you when you flinch backwards
She feels- confused
Why did she save you?
Cassandra hovers over you, the blood at her face immediately catching your attention
Yet, with your leg stuck, you can’t even pull away as she climbs over you, the slightly torn parts of her dress almost ticklish against your trapped leg
You watch her face lower to your stomach, her expression almost confused
Cassandra snarls for a moment. No response comes from you or your stomach
Why is it like that? Why do you smell so odd?
She catches the scent, yours, and your blood. And another. A light one. Coming from your stomach
You tense as she inhales, her cheek brushing against your covered stomach
Cassandra only grows more curious. Uncaring about you, she sinks her teeth into the fabric of your shirt and pulls it up
Yet, when she doesn’t find a human curled against you like expected, but a large stomach only, she jumps back in surprise
Had it not been for the quick beat of your heart and the painful ache of your leg, you might’ve laughed at the strange view of this woman being startled by your stomach
However, she is quick to approach you again
With her head tilted sideways, she eyes you curiously
You realise- she isn’t going to hurt you. Nor is she going to hurt your unborn baby
Instead, she keeps sniffing about, eyes wide, fingers poking and prodding as though to confirm it’s your skin
When you attempt to sit up, you scream, having momentarily forgotten about the bear trap
Her eyes flash and widen, and for a mere moment the beautiful gold in them catches you off guard
You watch her move down your body, sniffing and inspecting you, as though checking for more wounds
Then, she is right at the beartrap
She grabs it, and with a firm yank, it comes loose
You scream, and for a moment, clutch your stomach tightly
Confusion sets in when Cassandra copies the action, her bloodied hands on top of you too
She seems unsure of her own actions, as though they’re driven purely by instinct, rather than actual thought and consideration
She watches you for a few more moments, before leaning close to your stomach again
You gasp in surprise when she suddenly smears her face against you, her bloodied cheek rubbing against you
Affectionately, almost
She growls as she repeats the action, again, and again
At last, she faces you again
Her head tilts. She takes you in, you realize. She is curious about you
“I’m from-the village”, you clarify for her. You wonder whether she can even understand you
She certainly looks human
“I got lost”, you admit, your voice raspy from screaming and crying
You don’t dare look down at your injured leg, instead keep your eyes fixated on her golden ones
She whines and snarls for a moment, then seems to come up with whatever she has been trying to think of
You shriek in surprise when her arms wrap around you and you’re lifted off the dirty ground
With certainty, she begins to walk, seemingly bringing you deeper into the forest
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smallchaoscryptid · 5 months
Note
wait okay... you offered qsmp fic recs I LOVE FIC RECS.... please please please please please (<- guy who does not have a lot of time for looking for good fics on ao3 and loves to hear about what media his mutuals like)
okay this is going to be long and it took me so long to make so it will be under a read more and organized by ship and word count and each fic should be linked (also a promo for all my fics on ao3 which is also under the username smallchaoscryptid)
Misc Recs:
Under 1k:
Andrea Doria by White space (Blanc_u) it's like a character study of roier and his dealing with pepito and its relation to his pants (very good almost made me cry)
1k to 10k:
danse macabre by bonesandthebees (bonesandcacti) bolas dancing together (just a really fun fic to read)
confiança by atthebell forever comforting cellbit after the black shulker investigation (this fic lives in my brain because atthebell just writes 4bit so well)
Estoy Lista by WhyB cellbit invites jaiden to live in his castle with him and roier (god this fic makes me think about what would have happen if jaiden and roier would have actually kept talking reguarly without bobby)
dead tired by notsubtleatall (orphan_account) roier makes cellbit go to sleep (god i love this fic so much)
Spiderbit Recs:
Under 1k:
napping is better with two by FlowerBox sleepy catbit with roier (really cute)
1k to 10k:
Feather-Light by BecausePlot cellbit crawling into bed to sleep with roier (really cute)
i'm scum, i'm waste (i'm what you want) by songbirdscoo sick cellbit that takes place after spiderbit has a breakup and richas finds roier to take care of sick cellbit (this one is so fucking good its a bit angsty bc of the breakup but its so good)
not quite but we're almost there by atthebell spiderbit takes a walk that is totally not a date (this one is so good and so soft)
The Red Means I Love You!! by Anonymous roier accidentally gets caught in the middle of a ritual cellbit was doing (this fic was so good it took me a bit to realize what was wrong with roier and then once i did i reread the fic and was shaking him violently this fic and its sequal are litterally so good)
that's the deal, my dear by Mitos (SeriouslyCalamitous) cellbit gets turned into a cat and finds roier (this fic is litterally so cute and i love it so much)
Drown With Me by doodooagentg jaiden makes cellbit take care of roier after cellbit had killed abueloier and roier is still angry about abueloier's death (this has such its quiet uptown vibes its insane and ive reread this fic so many times because roiers anger is so acurate here and the ending is just so ahhhhhh)
Helping a friend out by cherryplotting roier helps cellbit solve a puzzle and cellbit gets a kiss (FUCK, THIS HAS A SECOND CHAPTER NOW had to read that before i post this second chapter is also so good)
Over 10k:
It’s Just Some Little Thing by CurrentlyWorry enimies to lovers au where bobby and richas are friends but spiderbit ends up hating eachother for a little bit (god this one was so good its 171k and i read it in two days and am thinking about reading it again)
Breaking Dawn by Anonymous cellbit is a monster hunter looking into werewolves and meets a guy who turns out to know a lot about werewolves (this fic is unfinished as of right now but is so good and i cant stop rereading it)
those of flowering hearts and wilting souls by yourfauxentropy beauty and the beast au with a twist (this one is so good there was a point where i thought this fic wasnt going to have a happy ending but it still had such a grip on me)
your palms; a home for my soul by mars_revived roiers heart is shattered in to peices and he shouldnt be able to love ever again but he meets cellbit who might be able to help him (i need to read this one again its so good and like how subitally the author has them fall in love has me insane)
mystical time, cuttin' me open then healin' me fine by foolich (enhypen) festa junia timeloop!!! festa junia timeloop!!! festa junia timeloop!!!festa junia timeloop!!! (i love this one so much because the author was so good of messing with the readers feelings with the timeloop)
interstellar by mirotic_chess cellbit gets trapped on a distant planet after he crashes on it and is luckily helped out by one of the inhabitants (god the ending of this fic makes me so!!!)
Estoy Lista by WhyB by de4thveins roier sneaks away from his princely duties to gawk at cellbit
Fitpac Recs:
1k to 10k:
Promise? by TastyToast takes place during the happy pills arc pac runs away and fit finds him and comforts him
Trust Me? by AelinCreativ another happy pills arc fic but its what happened if fit would have been there for pac when it happened (probably my favorite one of these type fics)
Beyond the Haze by Mitos (SeriouslyCalamitous) happy pills arc but fit is there for pac the entire time (this one is also really good)
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nekassvariigs · 1 year
Text
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Portgas D. Ace x reader
Make him at home will you?
Fluff
(Mentions Whitebeard at times)
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He stormed off in a hurry, his mind scattered in a million pieces unable to solve itself.
"Im gonna find him." He was strongly determined to find the man who claimed to be the strongest and beat him, claiming his spot.
"Enough already, join me, become my son." the tall male offered him his hand, which he looked at in digust.
Who do you think i am to accept something like this. Your son? me? dont be stupid old man, i could kill you.
"Let me raise you to be the strongest." His spear drummed on the ground his solemn expression waiting for the raven haired boy.
No way in hell-
Was the last tought he was capable of thinking before his eyes lost sight of the world, hands trembling to uphold his weight.
"Is he gonna be alright pops?" You asked standing next to your capitan. Much like the boy before you Whitebeard was a man with a simple dream, to have a big family, he added on to it generously no matter who called him a devil, a monster a soul-less pirate.
"Yeah, i went easy on him, kids got spunk. Take him in boys." A couple of men accompanied the teen raising him over their shoulders as they dragged him onto the ship, his crew left stranded without a capitan, he let them off easy.
He was plagued with a nightmare, like a sadistic never ending dream, a figure resembling his own telling him he's not worth a good fight, he should have died before even reaching this place. He cant even stand up for himself. Hes a failure, who could love him, have him as a son.
He winced in his sleep clutching his yellow shirt tighter. A bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. His hat drowning out the noise of his sniffles.
You hated to pity a man so broken knowing fully well what it would do to him if he saw the way you looked at him, like an abandoned dog, starved for a home , a place to belong, it sickened you just thinking what could leave a boy his age so fragile.
"He's got a good heart.." you smiled, a pair of men quirking their brows at the way you looked at the captive. The stew you were stirring bubbled, spices and cooked roots lingering in the air.
"Please.." he held onto himself like he was the only one able to help it.
You layed by his side, his scrunched up form twitching each time he had a flash of self doubt.
"Shh.. Its okay.. shhh." you hummed to him placing his hat onto your lap, the two upturned smiley pins staring at you.
"Must be tough huh.." you stroked the metal pins scraping off any built up mud on them. He stayed still for the longest time, it was nice seeing him not be afraid of himself even if it was just a nightmare you guided him through.
He felt a light scent like flowers but a bit stronger, the mirror image of himself looked forward in the horizon of this odd warmth, it had been a long time since he felt a gentle touch.
Your hands raked through his dark unruly hair, your hand often times going to cup his cheek for a while before you resumed combing his hair, he felt like babe, so fussy yet so easy to calm. His knees slowly fell into your lap you hummed a song. The melody was warm and blissful resting the boys fears for a bit, he couldnt even begin to stop you from your song, that is until he smelled the stew boiling.
"Something smells amazing~!" his eyes shot up startling you as he booked for the pot, puring the hot contains into his mouth without thinking.
"AAAgh, its like molten lava." he huffed and puffed, the damage was already done, his tongue burnt his throat sore you chuckled at his antics.
You came behind him taking him by his waist you plopped him by the table.
"Of course its hot, it was boiling a second ago." You lectured him nodding your head on the obvious conclusion.
"I want more." he seemed unfazed eyes sparkling as he stared down the pot infront of him.
A huff of breath escaping your nose you poured the boy a bowl.
"Eat carefully please." you told him clipping his hair back from his face.
An odd fuzzy feeling overtook his stomach he tought it was the food paying no mind, it was good thats forsure.
"Seconds phlease!" he slammed the bowl down in a hurry still chewing on the potatoes and meat.
"Youre still eating!!" You yelled telling him to not talk with his mouth open, he snarked a bit chewing his food in a gulp.
"Seconds please.." he was a bit droopy, however, the second the bowl got refilled his eyes light up in a new light full of energy.
"This is really good-" he praised your cooking his head nearly slamming into the bowl you caught him in your palm.
"He fell asleep..!" you had a ghastly expression on your face, his cheeks stuffed with your cooking the boy was dead asleep, still holding the spoon strongly in his arms like a kid refusing to let go of his favourite toy.
"What an odd guy." you chuckled thinking to yourself you took enough time as needed sitting beside him to let him rest his head on your shoulder, a big snore bubble inflating from his nose every now and then.
Nothing, he woke up dreaming of nothing, thats a first. He awoke with a loud snort follwed up with a big yawn as he scratched his back. "What a nap." He wiped his face on your apron crumbs of food still on his face.
"Here let me help you." You took his face covering your fingers in the cloth, the boy had beautiful freckles on his cheeks slanted dark eyes staring at you as you wiped the crumbs from his mouth.
His heart pounded not able to understand what he was feeling, this warm churning in the pit of his stomach, drove him a little nauseus and scared.
he gulped slowly eyes tracing your features. He took in your gentle smile the way your hands moved across his cheeks, it was an all too odly familiar feeling.
"Thankyou-!" his voice cracked a little embarassing him, a slight blush staining his ears.
You chuckled seeing how goofy he was.
"You're always welcome.." you paused wanting to thank him however you still didn't have his name, the old man didnt fill you in on that.
"Whats your name?" You asked hands on your lap as you looked at him wolfing down the food.
"Ace. Seriously this is some good food." he licked his lips scraping the bowl clean.
"Want another fill?" You grabbed his bowl before he ate it in his food haze, he followed up with a nod, steaming hot fudge filling the bowl for the third time.
"A guy like you sure can eat."
"Ofcourse, i wouldmt be so shtrong if that wasnt the cashe." He patted his stomach, a piece of meat dissapearing within seconds.
When it came to food he wasnt joking around, he continued emptying the entire pot all on his own , leaving you to wonder where can so much food dissapear into.
"By the way Ace, do you mind helping me clean up?"
You took his bowl rinsing off any grease, your body turned against him he inspected you with wary eyes.
"Wheres the old man?" He puffed as much as he'd love to help he still had a thing to do.
You sighed remebering he's still a hotheaded brat thinking idiotic things at a time like this.
The men around the hall circled around Ace towering over him by atleast a foot.
"I'll let you have it." he smirked putting on his cowboy hat, a flicker of flames engulfing his hand, the men were scortched within a second.
"He's on the deck, don't go thinking you can just run up at him though." You scolded him looking at the bodies splayed under your feet.
"Hey," you kicked the shoulders of the men, all of them wincing from your kick, "Those who dont help dont get to eat." All of them got up groaning.
"Ya think the kid will be able to get a punch in?" One of them said causing you to smile.
"Only if hes dumb enough to fly off the ship, dont think he can swim can he?" The lot of you laughed, men helping you out in the kitchen to clean up their own mess'.
You dried your hands on your apron, setting it on a hook before you went to grab a first aid kit.
"Go take a bath all of you, you smell like burnt chicken." you instructed the lot, who looked at eachother a little startled, each of them smelling the air around them.
"Hahaha! So it is." Their hearty loughs echoing out of the room they followed behind you until the stairway to the deck.
Seemed like nothing had taken place, the old man was still slugging his drinks, compleatley unfazed by anything. You gave him an unimpressed look, he shrugged at you eyes pointing at the boy.
His body seemed a liitle beat, a trickle of blood dowsing his lips. You took out some gauge wiping it all away.
He came to, his eyes flaring red. He lunged at you thinking youd be there to attack him.
You let him slug a hit on you, your cheek sore from the punch. Seems he realized you werent the taget since he didn't bother to use any flames.
"Oh shit.. I am so sorry.." He helped you up, Whitebeard sternly looking at the situation at hand from afar.
"Let me help." he offered grabbing anything from from the kit trying to be of use. He felt a bit of shame to him having punched someone who treated him so kindly before.
You took him by his wrists, the cotton, gauge and rubbing alcohol strongly held in his hands.
Idiot, what were you thinking? How is she going to be looking at you now. Look at yourself you ungrateful brat-
"Ace!" You shouted snapping the boy back from his blank expression, the way he stared at you looking regretful afraid and unworth simply broke you.
He lowered his head items dropping beside you.
"Its alright, you should have seen the amount of fights i have been in, i come out with more than a hook to the face." You chuckled hand to your face covering your mouth, his arm dropped to his lap slowly the second you let go.
He still felt guilty. "Hey Fire-first, anyone home." He pouted at the nickname your hands calmly combing through the tools he dropped, you cleaned up his hands, which looked fairly enough rough. He had scabs on his knuckles, cracking ones at that.
"Youre a hard worker huh?" You applied some ointment on them bandaging them carefully.
He didnt get it. Anyone in their right minds would have hit him back threw him out what were you doing calling him nicknames taking care of bruises he had before he even was here.
"Ace, were a family here."
"Like hell we are-" he sucked in his breath his eyes growing a bit cold.
"Its true you know, we take care of our own." You pointed to his hands neatly wrapped in bandages.
"Eugh, i smell like an old lady with this." he gagged avoiding the obvious.
Anyone withing ear range laughed Whitebeard's face softening by your interraction.
"I know, usually sucks to walk around in it, give it a few days youll be good as new though." You smiled, the apples of your cheeks making your eyes squint.
His heart had a beat deeper than usual, he didnt respect the old man but settled on trusting you for guidance, atleast till next time.
It was a subconcious decision he had made trusting a pirate he knew nothing about so freely but the hold he had on his mind lessened by a bit the more he took shelter within you.
You left him be for a bit, he seemed to have alot on his mind the way he politley excused himself.
You stormed to the old man snarking and biting words at him. "What were you thinking throwing him across the ship like that!?"
Whitebeard listened the scrunch in his brows growing.
"Dont give me that face, the brat ran at me with a mace, what did you expect would happen?" He rested his hand on his leg leaning toawrds you.
"Youre a pain in the ass, you know!" you whisper yelled at him causing him to laugh.
"Thats a first from you." he adored the look of care in your eyes, however he couldnt contain the urge to want to show Ace the world either.
"Wont be the last either, dont fling him off like he's trash." You barked the heel of your sole hitting the deck in thuds.
"Stop worrying, he'll learn soon enough-" his expression grew sour you heeled his boot aswell.
Ace watched you from a distance hands on the rails he looked at the outburst unable to hear what you were talking about.
He sighed taking in the view of the sea the many people abroad, he faced backwards staring at the sun instead, the washed up waves sparkling in the daylight seagulls cawing midflight.
"Maybe its better here? Ah who knows what i'll do here even." He still held doubts.
He glanced back seeing you midair held by the gigant mad who humiliated him before.
His mind grew blank for a bit, legs sprinting for you before he even knew it.
A fire dousing your frame from behind whitebeard hit the air cracking it.
The attack was avoided however he was fee feet behind.
"Let her down!" he shouted amusing the man.
"Shes not hostage here, calm down." your head drooped like you were hanged on a coat rack to dry.
Whitebeard complied having no need to cause a ruckus, however it left a bittersweet feeling in his heart.
"Whatever my son wishes." he slowly put you down however dropping you nearly on the teens head.
"Woah-, wait!!" he circled around you swooping you in his arms to break the fall.
A sense of pride welled up in him knowing he did some good by you.
"Thank you, Ace."
Whitebeard respected his devoition of saving you instead of breaking a fight ,seems he hit the nail on the head here.
"Don't mention it." He said his freckled face covered red.
You slinged an arm around his shoulder making him stiffen up.
You laughed watching the faces he made.
"You can set me down if its too much."
"Huh, no not at all.." He still held you subconciously not even registering the fact you told him to be put down, he glared daggers at the old man for the stunt.
"This kid sure is something, Gurarara~!" Whitebeard laughed the picture of Ace tomato red whilst glaring at him with deadly intent was pure gold to him.
He looked like a stray cat who got mad that he has been given attention to.
You tapped his back your face coming to his periferals his eyes adverted Whitebeard focusing on you.
"Set me down." you smiled gently at him thankful for him catching you.
"Hmm oh sure." He plopped you down nonchalantly. Though he hated the idea of it eventually.
Few days past since him joining and yet everyday he came knocking by your door, bruised and bloody.
He explained himself each time you sat him down on the chair besides your desk.
"You gotta stop going after him, I can see how much you'd love to take him down, but he's not even fighting you, don't take a beating for nothing." You cupped his face dabbing on the alcohol on his cut up brow.
"Im not doing it for him." He spoke up wincing at the pain.
"Then who for?" you quirked a brow at the remark setting aside the bloodied gauze.
"Don't know." How was he supposed to start explaining that everytime he'd catch himself in a fight he'd always go look for you first thing. Feeling proud to see you doing well and happy while taking care of his dumbass.
You set off his hat dropping it so the string around his neck would keep it in place.
You raked your hand through his hair checking if he perhaps got any beatings to the head.
Your hands rummaged his hair as he sat patiently, enjoying the tickling sensation.
"Ace, i don't want to be rude, but when was the last time you showered, your hair is all greasy, not to mention uncombed." You stuggled to free your hand from a couple of his locks. The teen blushed compleatley embarrased by this confrontation.
"Fewdaysago?" he answered quickly getting the issue out of the way.
You hummed for a long time before taking to your closet to bring out a few towels.
"Lets go grab ourselves a bath." You threw him a towel which he haphazerdly caught comepleatly stuck by what you said.
"Come on lets go." you pulled him up leading him to the showers to change.
You stripped covering yourself with a towel you entered the tiled baths running some hot water in big bowls.
Ace in the meantime sat there compleatly frozen in his changing room dreading to go in. He pulled himself together stripping, he set his hat over his clothes.
"Took you a while." you laughed rubbing the sponge over your arm, towel covering your body.
He didnt say much his heart hammering in his throat as you washed away the soap with some hot water.
You stood up grabbing a smaller cup of water, you gently poured it over his head.
He leaned his head down letting the water drip to the floor from the ends of his black hair. He wasnt sure why he allowed this, but it felt nice being taken care of.
You grabbed the soap lathering it on his head your fingers massaging his scalp.
He had a drowsy smile on his face, his elbows on his knees he slouched forward, the bad thoughts leaving his head one by one.
"Face up please." you instructed his head raising back his hair caught in a mush of bubbles you chuckled.
He opened one eye stifling his smile as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror aside him.
The longer he looked the funnier the feeling in his chest grew, he laughed whole heartedly seeing how you had given him a hairstyle that matched the ships doctor.
The two of you stood there as Ace approaced the mirror giving himself a big bubbled mustache.
"Damn brats." he mimmicked the Capitans tone making you errupt in laugher. He felt giddy seeing you laugh your heart out, just a few days ago he was thinking how thankful he was for you now he could feel the feeling growing even more so.
You quickly wiped his fake moustache saying how little it fits him, instead you gave him a long beak and puffy bubbly feathers on his head telling him to squint, he didnt get it yet but the moment your face light up in laugher he bursted out laughing aswell.
He wrapped his elbow around you cooing like an obnoxious chicken, you could barely hold up straight from how much your stomach was hurting from all of the laughing.
"Please no more-Ppffttt." he kept adding onto the act until you were doubled over from joy.
Your face doused pink from all the laughing you instructed him to finnally lean his head back as you still held a smile to your face. You ran the warm water through his hair watching the bubbles fall down his back. He slicked his hair back with his hand, a gentle blush covering your cheeks as you examined his face.
It was so much different than the first day you saw him, he'd gotten a bit more tan, the freckles on his face a bit more prominent. But most importantly he looked a lot more on ease than ever.
You cherished the memory putting a hand around his brows to pour some more water so it wouldnt get in his eyes.
He sat there closing his eyes enjoying the warmth of your presence around him.
"Turn around please." he did as you said turning his back to you, he nudged away from the touch at first.
Your brow peaked.
"He's ticklish isnt he?" you thought rubbing his back with the soapy sponge, his slim figure really made you question where did all the meals you fed him go.
"Where does all the food go seriously? Youre skinny as ever." you spoke washing his lower back.
"Goes to the heart and soul." he smiled proudly as you staggered a bit. To the soul huh, you puffed happily.
"Im glad to hear that you like it so much, i made something sweet for later do you want some?"
"Will i get heartburn?" You tickled his sides from the remark causing him to shriek in surprise.
"Maybe from that you will". You pouted stretching his hands as you washed them.
"I'm kiddiing, i know you make some killer foods." he chose the worst time to flap his head around the water splashing everywhere.
Warm water running down his back and arms he felt squeeky clean even going as far to drag his hand across his arm only for it to squeak along.
"Fresh n clean now huh?" he showed his smile bright theeth glisening in the light.
"Sure are."
He felt a little shy to ask but it would only be common courtesy since you offered to take care of him.
"Can i wash your back aswell?" he waited before going on in a tangent.
"Sure you can, just make sure youre careful around the mark, it's still healing."
A mark huh, he was interested.
He nodded exchanging place with you he looked away while you switched up your towel covering your front.
A large tattoo on your back with the all too familiar moustache, to say he saw surprised would be something.
"Woohoaa, Thats huge, does it hurt?" he eyed it throughrouly the ends of his fingers gently glossing over it, tickling your skin.
You found his amusement sweet explaining to him "Not now no, but when i had it done it was a bitch." You chuckled allowing Ace to scrub your back, he was a tad bit quieter than usual mostly hiding the fact he's nervous in the first place but common courtesy goes he can't be backing away from it.
He poured some warm water over your back it trickled gently down your curves, Ace's mind wandering back to when him and Luffy were thrown to bathe.
He offered to wash your hair aswell, you let it fall down to your back. He seemed to know how to take care of longer hair, he made sure not to tangle it too much , massaging your roots first then messing around with the rest.
He did however swipe his bubbly fingers across your face giving you whiskers.
You chuckled looking in the mirror as he washed your hair out.
"Ace look."
His head turned to the mirror to see you giving him a cat impression.
His eyes widened water trickling from the cup in his hand. His cheeks flared for a second only to press the back of your head against his chest.
"You're now a kitten huh?" he smirked sploching a bubble on your nose. Your head slightly shaking against his laugh.
You rested your head against his chest, the fuzzy feeling in his heart rising as he wiped away the stray bubbles.
He was glad to have you chat him up everyday, show him around, take care of him, make him hot meals and offer baths. What did he do to deserve you.
His solemn expression radiated through the room as he watched you, unable to be thankful enough for your care.
"All done!" he smiled proudly as you thanked him the both of you finishing to wash yourselves up.
You changed back drying your hair as you waited for Ace back in your room. He didn't arrive until way later , blasting through your door with a flower he stole from the greenery below deck.
He hid the flower behind his back his damp hair rested behind his ears.
He huffed and puffed starting a little speech. "I know how much you've done for me, so, i got something for you aswell." he held out the flower his chest rising from the running he must have done to not get caught.
You tilted your head to the side accepting the flower and giving him a warm hug.
"Thank you." You held him by his waist careful no not scrunch up the flower he got you.
He chuckled slowly resting his face in the crook of your neck, his arms lazily wrapping around you.
He stayed that way for a while enticing you in a tight embrace. You could feel his hands heat up however the hottest part of his body was his chest right shere his heart was.
You rusled through his hair his body shivering slightly from the affection you gave him. Your head rested on his as you took in the moment.
It was silent, pleasant, sincere. He felt like he was in a dream , he wasnt questioning himself for what he had done, he only knew that he did the right thing when he chose to thank you for everything.
He sniffled against the crook of your neck, your face growing worried.
"Are you okay?" You brushed his back comfortingly he pulled away with a big smile along his teary face.
"Never been better.." He wiped the tears with his hands letting you go.
With a gentle smile you tucked the flower in a vase, ushering him to sit by your desk.
"Remember the dessert i told you about? I wanted you to be the first one to taste it." You revealed a beautifully crafted dish, it was coated with hard caramel on top a squishy cream filling and an orange puré aside.
"Im surprised youre not a top chef over here. Holy shit." He eyed the dessert taking a bite, his whole face lit up in a pudgy smile as he scooped more of the dessert in his mouth. You knew he wasn't one to take his sweet time with food, so seeing him eat it as fast as he did was a pleasure non the less.
"I wish i could ask for seconds. That was something out of this world seriously." He licked the plate setting it down. Still sucking the spoon he ate it with.
"I'll share mine with you?" you asked him, his eyes glimmered at the thought alone.
"Sure!" The two of you shared the dessert however you had to spoon battle with Ace to protect your side.
Taking the last scoop in your spoon Ace looked at you with pouty eyes. You leaned the spoon to your lips turning it to his instead.
"Here here." You smiled seeing him wolf down the piece.
The second he was done he thanked you for the meal quickly exiting your room with dishes at hand.
He dissapeared for a few minutes again, you thought he may have fell asleep on the way.
Minutes later a knock was at your door, you opened it again.
"Im back!" he allowed himself in plopping down on the bed since he didnt have a room yet.
He stared at the celing for a bit before looking at you.
"Can i stay over, just for tonight? I'll be out before you know." He claimed sitting up straight in your bed.
You thought about it for a while seeing the waves crashing outside, that wouldn't make good space to sleep.
"Stay as long as you'd like." You smiled seeing him waltz over to the couch in your room. He puffed up a stiff pillow laying down.
"You have no idea how annoying it is to sleep with everyone else, they snore on opposite breaths. So imagine the entire night all you hear is constant snoring." He yawned rubbing the sleep off his eyes.
"Ace.." you wispered hoping to god this rascal wasn't intending to sleep on the couch of all places.
He hummed back lazily watching you.
"There's no way you intend sleeping on that, right?"
"I do, where else would i sleep?" he asked you.
You giggled at his antics pointing to the comfortable bed he prevoiusly lazed upon.
His jaw hit the floor for a second before he snapped back. "Youre joking." You sat back in your bed.
"No I'm serious, come on, sleep comfortably atleast." You patted the place beside you as the male moved to sit on his side.
"Are you sure?" He asked not wanting to overstep any boundaries.
"Im sure, just relax and make yourself at home." He took off his boots with a slight flame he raked through his hair to dry it not willing to sleep on a damp pillow, he laid under the covers his arms behind his head.
You were in a slight daze at how quickly he did everything it left you amused. "Could you do that with my hair aswell?" You asked watching him prop up. "Sure, hop on." You sat before him, his arms heated up as he brushed his hands through your hair, steam rising from it, minutes later he finished messing with your hair letting it fall freely.
"Thats one handy trick right there." you admired his skill.
"I know right, youd be surprised to know how much i can do." he smiled proudly at his quirks, he discovered his abilites through various situations watching you listen to him rambling about his journeys made him feel right at home.
It was dead past midnight before he realised you were sleeping quietly beside him having fallen asleep by his tremendous stories.
"Like a kid." He snickered shoving a cover over your shoulders for warmth he doze off few minutes later himself.
For the first time in a while he slept soundly thoughout the night, he had a few dreams that were worse off however once he reached around the bed wrapping his arm around you they seemed to fade away quicker than before
You woke up that morning feeling a warm hand around you, you turned to face him, he was dead asleep, snoring lightly and peacefully without a care in the world.
The longer he stayed on the ship, fighting less with the old man and getting to know everyone a bit better, his sense of self seemed to develop a bit more.
He still had him bad dreams at times but having everyone near him meant the world to him, esspecially you, even tho he was slow with the upkeep of his problems with you, each time he came confessing his mind you shared a deep conversation with him, offering him a meal, a warm bed anything to make him feel like he wasn't alone in this world.
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opticfile · 3 months
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so cool seeing more hetalia writers omgg!!! do u think u could do a china x f!reader ? something like a first date and yaos suuuuper nervous,, ty if u do! ^.^
✧ came back to drop this rq, not even a big china fan but i was feeling it
—✦ 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬 // fluff
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Yao Wang does not get nervous.
He is above such immature, elementary feelings. He is far beyond that kind of thing, he would never be caught dead feeling nervous over a first date. He’s gone on hundreds, he’s wooed many before you, and he has never been nervous.
The way his hands twitch as he sits at his table is not because he’s nervous. Nor is his almost frantic searching of the dining floor, eyes darting between the waiters walking past him and other customers laughing joyously, looking for your face in the crowd. The way his stomach does flips everytime he sees a girl that looks like you walk through the doors is simply because he’s hungry. The tapping of his foot under the white-cloth clad table is due to impatience.
Yes, thats it. He’s not nervous, he’s impatient. You're taking too long to get here, its almost the time you agreed upon meeting at and you’re still not here. He expected you to be more punctual, and he’s not impressed. 
He wonders whats taking you so long. Maybe you were being lazy and put off getting ready. Or you’re a bad driver and got lost. Perhaps you’re one of those high maintenance women, the ones that have to take hour long showers and spend twice as long on your makeup and outfit. He wonders if you’ve changed your outfit too many times. He hopes you're wearing a nice dress, one that hugs your figure maybe. He would hate for you to forget a coat, then he’d have to give you his. What a bother, really. What kind of lipstick are you wearing? Will it smudge when he kisses you? Does your mascara run?
Yao’s thoughts are interrupted by the click of heels. His eyes are drawn from their spot on the plate to meet yours, and for once his stomach flutters instead of falls. 
“Hi.” You smile. You're radiant, he cant help but notice, you exceed his expectations.
Yao swallows hard—still very unnervous, mind you—and stands from his seat. He made his way around the circular table, the cloth bunching up against his legs as he reaches to pull your chair out—because if Yao is anything, its a gentleman.
“Y/n.” He greets, watching as you take your seat. “You look lovely.”
“Thank you, you look handsome.” You smile coyly as he returns to his seat. “Thanks for inviting me to dinner, by the way. This place is nice.”
He nods. Of course its nice, why would he take you somewhere that isn’t nice? Yao Wang has taste. Do… do you not realize that? Do you think lowly of him?
He interrupts himself this time. “Thank you for allowing me to take you out.”
“I haven’t been on a date in a while, so I’m um, a bit nervous.” You giggle, admitting your nerves with an almost bashful tone.
He relaxes. You’re nervous. That makes him feel better.
“Neither have I, it has truly been longer than you can imagine.” He allows himself a soft smile.
“Well, then I guess we��re both in the same boat then, huh?” You tilt your head with a grin.
The tension in his shoulders starts to dissipate as he chuckles, nodding. He finds himself relaxing, even more so when the waiter brings the two of you wine. By the time your entre arrives, Yao’s enjoying himself freely. 
You're unlike any girl he’s ever met (he’s said that every time, but this time he tells himself that there’s more behind it), you're intelligent and beautiful. The conversation is flowing like a rapid, dangerous river, and he’s been pulled under by the current, drowing in it. Speaking of drowning, hes come to the conclusion your eyes are dangerous. Every time he meets them he’ll pulled in. Yao isn’t bad with eyecontact by any means. In fact, he’s rather good at winning a steely staring contest of intimidation, really. Yet the way you look at him has every vein is his body pusing and his joints aching—no wait, that part might just be because he’s old, actually.
By dessert, he's obsessed. He’s learned your ambitions, he knows your hobbies, he knows the names of your closest friends and family members. He’s enthralled in every aspect of your being, though his pride doesn't let him show it as openly as some others might. No, he doesn't fawn and melt and sigh like a teenage girl. He chuckles, he grins, he nods. He offers you a ride, he gives you his coat, he opens the car door for you. He drives you to your home, he opens the car door again.
Yao takes your hand in his, savoring the softness of your palms and the warmth of your skin. You’re so very alive, you're making him feel so very alive again, you're making him feel ways he hasn't felt in decades. You’re making him feel that forbidden feeling, that petty, immature thing he says he never feels. 
And when you reach your front door, and you smile up at him, his heart sputters like an old engine that’s breaking down. Maybe it is, maybe this all is finally too much, and he’s going to be taken out by a beautiful woman looking at him with admiration. Not a bad way to go… He thinks, but a better way to go is lips pressed up against yours, and you fulfill that desire without him asking. It’s chaste, its quick, it’s sweet like a highschool first kiss is sweet. Yao pulls you in for something slower, something more intimate as you both strand beneath the soft glow of your porch light and listen to the sounds of the city around you. When you pull back, his eyes dart to your lips again. Smudged. He thinks. Yao Wang still does not get nervous. The only exception is you.
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✧ navigation.
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exauhstedsunflower · 9 months
Text
I dont even have real thoughts. Just,
When I was 10/11 and forced myself to move on from playing with my Barbie’s because I was exposed to society and growing up and it seemed like something I had to do. Going back for my dolls one day after months deciding I needed to do something I loved only to find out my mom threw them away because I stopped playing with them. Being devastated. This reinforcing that there is something wrong with me because I shouldn’t want to play with dolls anymore anyway. The barbie movie not quite healing that wound but softening the blow when I think about it now.
Getting my nails done in hot pink every time at 12 and then at 13 getting them in blue. Painting my nails pink two weeks ago because I was excited about the barbie move and feeling at peace.
Seeing my best friend since I was 9 in pink for the first time in I cant even remember and us both feeling nostalgic and free and beautiful.
Me being 14 and my brother being 11 and him discovering the patriarchy. Him making sexist jokes. Me screaming at him. My grandmother laughing at us fighting. Me crying about it to this day, even though I’m 22my brother is now 19 and nothing like that anymore. Me seeing myself in Barbie and my brother in ken as they grow apart and then back together. Realizing that even though Ken hurt Barbie, barbie is the one to tell him its ok in the end. Ken not apologizing. Seeing us in them once again and feeling an ache in my chest.
Wanting to watch the scene where Barbie says she doesn’t feel pretty anymore and why she doesn’t feel pretty. Why she doesn’t feel like who she is supposed to be. Her face. My face as I start crying. My heart breaking as I realize that I have felt that, and that if its being portrayed here that it’s a universal experience to have that breakdown, to have a friend say ‘you are beautiful, you are enough. You’re not wrong, the world is.’, to not believe them fully, though you do accept that they’re probably right. The fact that she’s not wearing makeup in that scene. She’s broken down into her barest form, and her barest form is wrecked because the world has fucked her up and made her think she’s not enough.
Barbie panicking as Mattel tries to literally put her in a box. The people that are technically responsible for her, the people who she believes will help her, are not only not who she thought they would be, but they try to put her back in a box. Her not being able to be put back into a box. She knows too much now. She’s seen and felt and thought too much. She can’t be what they want her to be even when they try to force her. Impossible standards not even ending with people you’re meant to trust. Barbie being alone in that moment. Barbie finding a friend who gets it and not being alone anymore. Barbie not realizing that until the friend refuses to let her drown. The friendships that women make under the pressure of the world being something so beautiful and heartbreaking and necessary.
Sasha being exposed to something good and nice in pink for once instead of something hating on whatever the pink thing is and slowly smiling more, becoming herself. How this exposure can help young girls so much. Before this not only hurting herself by distancing herself from her mom and feminism but also hurting other women in the face of the pain society has slowly caused her because she has given up on herself and on society the way society has given up on her and itself.
in the end, Barbie not even advocating for herself even after everything she’s learned about feminism and what the world with do to women who let it swallow them whole. Sasha, who previously was not much of a girls girl, being the one to say “What about Barbie?” Everyone saying “Yeah, actually, what about Barbie?” Because she deserves a happy ending too. Barbie was standing in the back and out of the way not only in this scene but in most of the ending scenes actually, which is a wonderful portrayal of what all of these things that have happened to Barbie can do to a woman, regardless of how strong or empowered she was or may have seemed. Barbie, the main character of the movie, becoming quiet and contemplative and unsure, and relegating herself to the background because of all of this. Barbie being surprised to see people wanting something good for her. Barbie not knowing what she wants. Barbie absolutely knowing what she wants the whole movie but dancing around it because as a woman you are put in a box and you’re not supposed to say what you want. Even as a barbie. (“I have never wanted anything to change!” “I only ever wanted things to stay the same!” “I don’t know what I want anymore.”) but “It takes two to open a portal.” And so many more sly comments about how Barbie caused all this too. Barbie not even being proud of her accomplishments by the ending when they’re in the void. Ruth only figuring out What Barbie wants because of a comment, a self effacing comment. Barbie asking permission to be herself. She’s been affected negatively by the world, and yet is choosing to live in it anyway. As are the women of the world. Barbie didn’t need permission. But she asked anyway, she probably wouldn’t have done it is Ruth said no. If anyone had protested at all. Because as a woman she is self sacrificing and making sure everyone is ok with things before doing it. Ruth not showing Barbie life as a woman in the end, because Barbie already knows what that’s like. She’s not asking to be a woman, she is a woman, she’s asking to be human, for which life is nuanced and beautiful. As is being a woman, though in very different ways.
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pillarsalt · 4 months
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if this seems like a weird question feel free to ignore it! but.. if youve felt it, how do you deal with the guilt of "waking up" from transition and the narratives around it right now? i know logically in my mind that the current state of gender as a concept is a rehash/rebranding of old regressive standards, i know its not logical to do surgeries on young mentally ill and neurodivergent people who are in distress, i know that something cant be a social construct and biologically innate at the same time, and i know that the idea of "passing" or "transitioning to a woman" is misogynistic as hell, but i still feel bad for voicing or even thinking of any of it as wrong.
the majority of my friends are socially drowning in these concepts, and i cant even find any real lesbian friends, let alone someone who i might wanna date someday. i love them, but almost all of the same sex attracted women in my life hate themselves to some degree for being born women and try to seperate themselves from what they think womanhood is. it makes me feel hopeless as a detransitioned lesbian. any advice is appreciated :/
this got long so here's a cut:
I'm not a detransitioner myself, but I know there are many women on here and detrans lesbians specifically who would understand what you're going through. Anyone who'd like to reach out to anon in the notes is welcome to do so.
I do totally get what you mean about feeling guilty, even though your views are logically reasonable and feminist. Unfortunately that's by design: emotional manipulation and groupthink is how trans activism keeps people entrenched. No debate, anything that isn't immediately and entirely validating is simply evil, it's all black or white to them. There's no room for grey when just a little bit of poking and prodding can make your entire movement collapse in on itself.
I think it's quite common, I've heard it from many women, and myself included, that even after realizing the harms of gender ideology, we tend to examine ourselves and our beliefs over and over again because what if we really are evil fascists like they say we are? But every time, it turns out that no, we just care about women's rights to legal recognition and protection and equal opportunity, and patients' (especially children's) rights to responsible and ethical healthcare. Remember that when you feel you must be wrong because your opinion is currently in the minority. What's right is right, no matter how many or how few people believe it.
The other thing is, I've been watching this issue evolve for years now. I genuinely believe the tide is turning and people are seeing the misogyny inherent to this ideology. Most
In my personal life, most of my friends buy into gender ideology. A couple of them identify as nonbinary, although I'm not as close with them. It is a hard tightrope to walk. Honestly I don't get too emotionally attached, as much as I can help it, because I'm ready to lose them as friends if it comes to that. If they directly asked me my opinions I would share them, and I've always been prepared to. They never ask. I have a feeling most of them know I disagree with their views on gender but don't want to "have to" cancel/ostracize me, so the subject never comes up. Funnily enough, the friends with whom I do talk about my views openly are men. I think women, generally being socialized to care deeply about others' feelings and wellbeing, are more likely to have these feelings of guilt when going against the societally ~nice, kind, polite~ thing to do, so are more likely to stay close to the groupthink mentality of "we're good, they're bad, continue doing what we say is good and you can keep being good too". And when you see what happens socially to women who speak out against genderism, yeah it's terrifying to face that yourself.
All that to say, I get what you're feeling. It's lonely and isolating to think differently from the people around you but not feel safe to express it. Especially so for lesbians and bi women who want to date women but find that dating women now comes with the extra exhausting step of avoiding believers of gender nonsense everywhere you turn. But you are far, FAR from the only one. There are a ton of other women in your situation, they're looking for women like you. Don't give up. It's hard but it's worth it. I don't have experience with it myself, but I know of quite a few women who met on tumblr and ended up in long term irl relationships. There are also quite a few rad-related discord groups, some specifically for lesbians as well. Seriously, tumblr has become a great resource for connecting with other feminists. And even offline, there are far more women around you who think like you but are also too afraid of the backlash to speak out. Keep looking, don't give up.
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qtssvnwoo · 1 year
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helloo this is my first time requesting so hopefully its not confusing🧌
can i request fluff prompt number 2 and comfort number 9? with draco malfoy
so like basically y/n is kind to everyone including malfoy and y/n has a crush on him and draco asks “why do you love me?” (prompt 2 )and y/n’s like “because i believe theres something good in you” then walks away and draco had this weird feeling and he cant get y/n off his mind and starts liking her then when draco became a death eater y/n found out but she still decided to love him just the way he is and shes always there for draco even tho hes kind of mean to her (prompt 9) and he kinda likes her but dont know how to express hes feelings
im sorry if this is cringe 😞
Of course my love! So sorry if this is late, but, I had such a fun time writing this, so thank you!!
Prompts: Fluff 2: "Why do you love me?" Comfort 9: "I love you okay? Nothing will ever change that."
I See You-Draco Malfoy (request)
Word count: 1.5k
Warnings: Maybe bad writing cause I haven't written a fanfic in a while, I've been working on my own story.
A/N: Also, let me know if I should make a series regarding one of the Harry potter characters, I'm going between Ron and Draco right now!!
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   Y/n. They were known around the school for being the kindest person in Ravenclaw, most people liked them, all except a few. Draco Malfoy in particular wasn’t so fond of Y/n. He hated the way they smiled at everyone, how they never stood up for themselfyet stood up for everyone else. He hated how innocent they seemed and the way their eyes sparkled when they talked about traveling the world. 
  Ever since they were in their potions class together in 3rd year, Y/n knew they felt something for Draco. They heard his laugh from across the room and saw his charming smile and knew from then on that they were truly in love. Everything Draco did left them in a trance, even when Draco wasn’t so nice to them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Fifth Year*
  The sound of people yelling, laughing and talking didn’t seem to phase Y/n as they sat at the courtyard, drawing underneath a tree. They had been working on a particularly difficult picture that had taken them a couple of days to even get the base sketch down, and they were finally finishing it. They had drown out all the noise of people talking so much that they hadn’t even noticed the sound of Draco’s heavy footsteps approaching them. 
  “What could you possible be so focused on?” y/n tensed up at the sound of Draco’s voice, they weren’t expecting Draco out of nowhere, causing them to jump slightly and blush slightly at his mocking tone. They murmured some words, some words Draco could not understand.
  “I can’t hear you when you don’t talk L/n.” He smirked. Draco was aware of Y/n’s feelings for him, he had known ever since he had heard them talking about it in Herbology last year. Since then, he had decided to make them lose their feelings for him, he had hated the idea of people liking him, or even liking someone back knowing how his path was set for him, he didn’t want to bring anyone into this mess he had to fulfill. 
  “I said I'm drawing! I have to focus, it's a gift for Hermione.” Y/n first spoke with confidence, but, slowly their words got lost in translation as they had felt bad for shouting at Draco.
  “A gift? For the mudblood? How ridiculous! You would draw something for someone like that?” Draco mocked. Before Y/n had the chance, Draco grabbed the sketchbook from their hands and looked at the drawing. 
  “Malfoy Stop! Give that back!” Y/n tried their best to get their drawing back from him, but all he did was dodge them, moving from side to side. 
  “This is horrid! What is this supposed to be? A rat? Or maybe it’s a self Portrait?” Draco laughed to himself, but Y/n didn’t laugh. The words had hurt them, had cut them deep. They knew he was probably only doing it to make them mad, but nonetheless, the poison words coming from him choked them, slowly tearing away their confidence. 
  “That's not nice Malfoy.” Was all Y/n could say. The cockiness in Draco’s eyes got bigger as he laughed at them. 
  “That's all you have to say? How pathetic.” And with his words, he threw the sketchbook into a nearby puddle. Y/n just stared at the puddle, watching as the pages slowly soaked up the water, causing the ink to run across the pages. They couldn’t help but slowly feel their throat close and their eyes start to water as they watched the drawing slowly get ruined by the dirty water. They slowly looked over at Draco and mustered up a small smile.   “That’s okay, I needed a new one anyways.” Was all they said before walking past Draco and picking up the sketchbook. “I’ll see you in Potions Malfoy.” 
  Draco watched as they walked away, in shock. He had just ruined their sketchbook, something that took lots of time and effort into creating and they didn’t even say anything. 
—----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  Draco couldn’t help but feel bad the next couple of weeks. He thought about the way he just threw the sketchbook, and how Y/n just didn’t react. When they saw each other in the halls, Y/n would flash Draco a quick smile, and a wave before going back to whatever they were doing. During their shared classes together, Y/n would also often help Draco if he needed something. All these kind gestures made Draco’s head spin in confusion, even though he had just been mean to them weeks prior, they had the courage to still treat him decent?  Draco couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt striking him more and more everyday. So he decided to confront Y/n about it. 
  One day after class, Draco had dragged Y/n  (more rough than he had wanted) into an empty hallway to finally ask their the question that had been on his mind since he had ruined their sketchbook. 
   “Why?” Was all he said. He felt like his throat had been closed, restricting him from saying anything else. But, when Y/n only looked at him with confusion, he continued. “Why are you so nice to me? After everything I did, and everything I said. I ruined your sketchbook, tripped you in the halls, I’ve even blamed you for things you never even did. Yet you still take the blame for it and treat me kindly every single time. Why?” 
  Y/n felt a wave of heat rush over them. They had never planned on confessing the true reason as to why they had been so kind to Draco, but now was a better time than never.
  “Well, I do love you Draco, and-” 
   “Then why do you love me? Why do you continue to love me even though I’m such a horrible person.” 
  “Love is the only force capable of turning an enemy into a friend. Martin Luther King Jr.” y/n responded. Draco looked at them, and he stared. Not because he was confused, but because he had not noticed how eloquently Y/n spoke. Words flew from their mouth like the drop of rain, and had the sweetness of honey when they reached his ear. 
  “What?” 
   “Draco, I see you. I see you as you are. I see good in you and I see someone that is hiding beneath all that tough exterior. You just have to let him out.” 
  Draco looked and watched as Y/n slowly walked away. He couldn’t fathom how someone who he had never shown an ounce of kindness too, could read and see inside him so well. He felt his heart skip a beat as he remembered the words Y/n had spoken to him, his heart raced and his palms started to sweat. He felt weird, silly even. He had never felt this way about someone ever before, Nor did he really want to. 
  But despite his efforts, the next few weeks got only harder for him. The stress of his father making him a death eater, killing dumbledore, and his feelings for Y/n had ridden him with such a burden that he could not even focus in his classes anymore. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*sixth year*
Draco stared at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t believe what he had become. He stared at the mark on his arm in disgust as he felt tears run down his face. He had seated himself in an empty classroom, away from all people. Except for one. 
  Y/n had entered the room five minutes before Draco arrived, they had wanted a quiet place to draw, but they knew that Draco needed this space more. They knew they probably should have just made a quick run for the door, but seeing Draco quietly cry to himself made Y/n’s heart break. 
  They quietly put their hand on Draco’s shoulder, and whispered his name. He knew immediately who it was and his heart stopped. He didn’t even question if he was right, he just stood up and engulfed Y/n in the tightest hug he could. Both Y/n and Draco’s hearts skipped a beat. Y/n hugged Draco tighter and let him cry into their chest, while slowly rubbing his head. 
   After a while Draco had calmed down he let go of y/n, still keeping them in his arms, just hugging them a little less tight. He looked them in the eyes and swallowed back his pride. 
  “You still love me? After all these years of being mean to you and your friends. After all I’ve done? After all I've become?” Y/n looked down at his arm, they gasped slightly at the mark but did not say anything. They rubbed his arm, bringing it up to their mouth and kissing the whole of the mark slowly. Before looking up at Draco with the softest gaze she could give him.
  “I see you Draco, I see you as you are. Not what burdens you. I love you Okay? Nothing will ever change that.” Draco sighed lightly, letting Y/n continue. “Love is the only force capable of turning an enemy into a friend. Martin Luther King Jr.” They smiled as they repeated the words back to him that they had spoken so long ago. Draco laughed to himself as he held Y/n’s face in his hands. 
  “Thank you. For seeing me. Thank you for loving me.”
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