#i could very well just be speaking into the void rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

80pairsofcrocs · 1 year

Text

baby scarab || 58

anon - if you're still taking requests for the Baby Scarab series maybe Bs's hallucinations are getting really bad for whatever reason and try to hide it from the moon boys cause they don't want to worry them but the boys find out and help/comfort bs

~~~

anon - I know it's summer for y/n rn and shes not in school but could you have her get a bad grade back and she's upset about it and the boys comfort her

~~~

A/N : so these requests dont completely match up. its whatever honestly i tried my best with what i had

masterlist - marvel masterlist - series masterlist

A/N : THERE IS NO MORE SCHEDULE, IM SORRY also thank you all sm for the support and requests :)))

please enjoy, and don't be shy if you want to be in the taglist, just ask <3, sorry for the long wait

pairings : steven grant x (platonic)reader, marc spector x (platonic) reader, khonshu x (platonic)reader, jake lockley x (platonic)reader

TW : medicine (pills), spidey stuff, mentions of violence, language, angst, very rushed and hard to read. let me know if i missed anything.

~~~

the time came, and now you found yourself in new york.

close to hell’s kitchen to be exact.

jake was driving you somewhere, and none of them would tell you where.

all you could see from outside the window was a cemetery.

and that’s when the car stopped.

your turned to face jake in shock, wondering what you were doing here.

“if you’d like to leave after we show you something that’s perfectly fine” jake tells you and gets out of the car, leaving you to scramble out to catch up to him.

“wait- but why are we here?” you now walk side by side with him, letting him lead you wherever he wanted.

“we needed to show you something. you helped us, now we get to help you” is all he says before suddenly stepping, making you almost trip to stop as well.

jake had turned his head to the right, staring into one of the fancier looking gravestones, which made you even more confused until you saw the name etched into it.

‘victoria y/l/n’

you froze and your eyes widened, and you took jakes hand in yours out of panic.

“you.. how did you find her..?” you ask in a whisper.

jake takes a deep breath before responding. “matthew” he answers in a single word.

“well thank god for him” you say, letting go of jakes hand to wander closer to the grave.

you reach a hesitant hand out and bend down a bit to touch the top edge of the gravestone as you feel your eyes fill with warm tears.

“is this really her? this- this is really my mother?” you ask, voice cracking at the end of your sentence.

jake nods once and comes up next to you, watching as you knelt down to the stone, staring at the letters carved into it.

he copies you and does so as well, to make sure you had all the comfort you needed.

“i never even met her, i don’t know why i’m so.. sad seeing this” you shake your head, letting a single tear slide down your cheek.

jake clicks his tongue before speaking. “i think that’s why you’re upset” he starts. “she was your mamá, but you never knew her” he says and you look up at him.

“it’s not knowing that saddens you. you were so close yet so far” he finishes, and you can sense that he is speaking from experience.

“i just wish i could’ve at least seen her, like really seen her not from a picture. i- i haven’t even seen a picture, i have no idea what she looks like”

jake simply nods in sympathy. as weird as it sounds, you were like a bright yellow balloon, floating in the bright blue sky but right now he sees a heavily deflated balloon, all void of color.

you were now leant up against the gravestone, staring up at jake while you tried to wipe away oncoming tears as they came down.

“we can leave if you want, you seem really-“

“no, it’s okay. thank you though” you sniff, then wipe at your nose with your sleeve. “for bringing me here” you elaborate.

“but.. i’m confused” you wipe at your eyes, standing back up with jake.

he tilts his head at you. “about what?” he questions.

“i was born in london- i’m sure of it, how else would i get there?” you start. “why would she buried here in new york while i was all the way across the fucking ocean?” you wonder out loud, and jake can’t seem to answer.

“i’ll have to call matt” you say to yourself.

“would you like to be on your own?” jake asks, getting a little back on subject.

you let out a sigh before shivering from a cold gust of wind.

“that’s okay. we have to go, right?” you ask in return and jake nods.

you look back towards the gravestone and run your fingers over the letters gently.

“i love you, mom.. i’m sorry” you speak as if she was right there in front of you.

“you deserved better” you whisper before backing up, and heading back towards the way you came.

jake took one last look at victorias grave before following after you.

you got into the car without another word, and prepared for your journey back home.

~~~

you couldn’t agree on anything. you’ve been in a mood ever since you got back home in london.

you don’t know why, and neither do your fathers, hell, not even khonshu knows.

you didn’t want dinner, you didn’t want any lights on, you really just felt.. sick. and extremely tired.

like any other kid, you really didn’t want to go to school tomorrow.

it was getting miserably cold outside too, so that just fueled it.

and you bet you’re fired from your job since you haven’t shown up since god knows when.

and of course, the fact you haven’t taken your medication in days. maybe even weeks.

you were currently sitting on the couch, staring at yourself through the black of the tv.

steven was getting frustrated and had taken a second in the kitchen and was now coming back to you.

“i will ask you this one last time, and keep in mind you can have literally anything- so what would you like for supper?” he asks you as gentle as he could.

he felt like he was going to lose it when you just wordlessly shrugged again.

“not hungry” you mumble and he takes a deep breath.

you heard either jake or marc whispering something to steven, which made him blink a few times before stepping closer to you.

“when was the last time you had your medicine?” he asks softly and you look up at him with furrowed brows.

“now that i think of it.. i don’t know..” you murmur and steven makes his way back into the kitchen.

he was probably getting you your juice and your medicine you kept forgetting to take.

your theory was proved right when he came back and handed both items to you.

“not to be rude, but you’ve been especially snappy the past week” steven tells you and you raise an eyebrow, swallowing the pills after putting them on your tongue.

“thank you” steven mumbles before sitting next to you.

“i think i’ve been snappy because i almost killed my boyfriend” you say to him and he scoffs.

“we’ve already had this talk. you didn’t do anything wrong” steven tells you sternly and you just look to him.

“right, sorry” you start. “i need to make a call” you nod to yourself, confusing steven.

“to who?” he asks and you shrug.

“matthew” you answer, quoting jake from earlier.

steven just nods and turns away, to give you a sense of privacy.

you pull out your phone and press on the contact, only waiting three rings until it answered.

“hey there, double d, care to share how you knew where my mothers grave was- didn’t tell me- and how she was even in fucking new york?” you ask all at once and you here jake suppressing a laugh.

there was radio silence at first. “which would you like to hear first?” matt answers.

“don’t lawyer me matthew. just answer me” you scoff, leaning your back against steven.

matt sighs before there’s rustling on the other end of the phone. “the reason she’s buried in new york is because she wanted to be. before she passed, it was written that no matter where she died then she’d be buried in her home, which was in new york”

“and to answer your other question, i didn’t tell you because you’d most likely run away from your dads to find her” he answers honestly and you let out a short laugh.

“sorry. i should’ve asked nicer” you apologize and you can sense a smile.

“it’s alright, just don’t ever call me double d again and we’re good”

“deal”

you’re both quiet for a minute. “is that all? foggy and i need to get to working on a case”

“yeah that’s all. thank you”

“anytime, y/n”

you hang up after that and let a deep sigh reverberate through your chest.

steven brings and arm back to wrap around your front, as a sort of awkward hug.

“would you like dinner yet?” he asks and you groan.

“i guess” you whisper in defeat and steven smiles, leaning over to press a kiss to the crown of your head.

“come help me then” he says before taking his arm back and getting up, making you fall onto the couch so that you were laying down on your back.

you groan again. “fine. boomer” you mumble the last part, leaving steven to glare at you from the entrance to the kitchen.

you had macaroni and cheese for dinner.

and then all three of your fathers made you go to bed early.

your first day of senior year was tomorrow. and it was already there days into the school year.

you just hoped it would go well.

~~~

it did not go well.

it did not go well at whatsofuckingever.

you had zero classes with casper, and you already had loads of homework since you missed the first few days.

and then after you got home you lied to your dads about actually having homework so you could take a nap on the couch just to have steven clean out your bag and find it.

which led you to the present, in tears while marc, who was fronting, was in the bathroom where you could hear the sink running.

you wiped your tears as much as you could, but by the time he got out, he already saw it.

“how about we take a break” he starts, coming over and moving the paper in front of you out of your reach.

“you want mom to come over? would that make you feel better?” he asks and you simply nod, letting him wipe your tears with his sleeve.

“i’m sorry you’re so stressed out, if i knew i wouldn’t have made you do any of this today” steven apologizes and you just shake your head.

“it’s not your fault” you reply, giving marc a chance to call layla.

see, now layla always thought she was intruding somehow. even though she is legally your mom now, she feels like she’s replacing victoria.

but in reality, wherever victoria was watching from, she was happy.

happy watching you build a family of your own after being all by yourself for years.

she’s proud of layla, and she can’t wait to see how she grows as a mother.

now, that night you did end up finishing the shit load of work you had, with laylas help.

you kicked your dads out of the kitchen while you did it too, claiming they were a distraction.

you could sense that layla wanted to tell you something too, but she refrained.

you just wondered what exactly it was.

was it good?

was it bad?

i guess you’ll never know.

well, until morning at least.

~~~

A/N : sorry my tumblr glitched and this wasn’t posted, but here it is! the ending makes absolutely no sense and it’s very short but it’s just a filler so there will be longer ones in the future.

i’m planning hanukkah chapters too, along with a thanksgiving and christmas one so that’ll be a while.

i love you all so much, and can’t wait to post the holiday chapters!!!! i’m so excited.

see you next week :)

~~~

taglist ---

@alexloveskili @ihatemyselfmorethanmydepression @thebiggestsimpshrimp @guyinachair27 @astrobuzzsstuff @mooonlight-and-stars @moonlighting87 @mateihavenoidea @inactive-things @alondrashultz @femalemarvelself @queenthorin1 @haileymorelikestupid @jvdethirlwall @justtiredandvibing @winterfrostsarmy @themapoftinyperfectthings @littlebird101 @atzlena @httpslinow @arrowurboat @m-brekker @lifeandbandmembers-blog @adamcarlsenslvr @violet-19999 @seninjakitey @bestgirlpip @panic-in-the-multiverse @in-between-the-cafes @branolagar @bl6o6dy @annoyingmarvelreader @bee-a-cool-kid @buzzitsbeee @wintergirlsoilder2 @crow-carcass @you-bloody-shank @distinguishedmakerpandapatrol @valiantphantomangel @50shadesofcrocs @rayrlupin @kingshitonly @brekkers-desigirl @hutaos-gh0st @kayane28 @nevaeh-jasso @lizlil @scarabgrant @luvxxee @certainchildmentality @yikesitskennawrites @alexisabirdie @zlatolait-writes @thursdaywritings

112 notes · View notes

pankomako · 2 years

Text

real quick hot take since im being forced to think about it rn: the theories of evolution/the big bang and biblical creation can coexist.

for the record, i am an agnostic. i don't subscribe to any particular religious belief, but im willing to cite biblical sources to support my arguments if i must. i was raised christian and still live in a christian home, my dad being an elder of the church my family attends, so i do know quite a bit of biblical stuff. anyway, allow me to elaborate on my point:

sometime last year i read an article mentioning that the big bang could have been the product of the ever-famous "God said 'Let there be light'". like consider this: explosions are generally very bright. what do you imagine when you hear "the big bang"? i personally see a big explosion of light in a dark void. what if that was God speaking light into existence? of course everything after that is up to interpretation. my dad loves to use the argument that explosions create chaos and not order. but i think it's possible that after the Big Bang of Light, God started to create everything else as the classic 7-day process was written. all the galaxies and what-have-you may not necessarily be a direct result of the explosion.

as for evolution, sure, maybe God did create every living creature. but does that really mean that evolution hasnt also happened? i dont see why evolution couldn't be a thing that was influenced by God's hand. last school year i had to do quite a bit of research relating to this topic, and its honestly so funny how obnoxiously... egotistical? christian scientists are about evidence thats seemingly against evolution. theyre really like "oh??? this funny little fossil you found turned out to NOT be a part of an evolutionary chain?? oh too bad for you!!! look at how WRONG you were!! ha!! they were WRONG!! that means we are RIGHT about EVERYTHING!! look at how RIGHT we are!!! get stuffed sssECHKularr scientists!!! LOL" like no seriously look at a few answers in genesis articles and youll see what i mean, although my portrayal was very much exaggerated. anyway, one argument ive heard is that there are no fossils of intermediate species. but for one thing, just because they havent found any doesnt mean they arent there. for another thing, just because theres no evidence doesnt mean it didnt happen. i guess creationists have a sort of "pics or it didnt happen" attitude about evolution. but theres still existing evidence for evolution too, like how whales have these tiny useless leg bones. why are they there if theyre not doing anything? most likely a byproduct of evolution. ive heard my dad use a similar argument recently about our appendix. "if it doesn't do anything, why hasn't it evolved out of us?" more recently ive heard that the appendix actually DOES have a use. so. that's why. people say that God is perfect, and i imagine they also think everything God makes is perfect too. but evolution doesn't mean that previous species in the evolutionary chain weren't perfect, it's simply just certain genetic traits becoming more common in a species over time, until it becomes an entirely new species much different from the previous one. a lot of societal changes occurred between the first and last books of the bible, yeah? those events were guided by God. i don't see why that can't coexist with evolution. (also consider domesticated dogs. with the variation in breeds its hard to believe theyre the same species. also consider pet dogs vs wolves. pet dogs are their own species, yeah? they descended from wild dogs/wolves that people tamed, right? aint that just manmade evolution?)

im by no means an expert on any of these topics at all, but i figured i may as well write my thoughts down while they're still in my head. that said, i dont really like to post about this stuff, but it's like that one link picture - it's my blog and i get to post whatever essays i feel like lol

#sorry this got long you dont have to read it #hoping the dash will cut it off anyway lol #deadass did not expect the evolution part to be as long as it did #but knowing there are much longer posts on this site i dont feel too bad about it lmao

4 notes · View notes

eirian · 2 years

Text

im going insane so im going to tell you about it and by that i mean make a post to scream into the void about my troubles

this will be a rambly, stream of consciousness post so watch out. unmedicated adhd brain shenanigans are afoot

i feel like i need to draw for myself more. i try to very often, i do, but i still feel like im caught in the whole “if i dont draw for attention then whats the point” hellhole that ive been trying to get out of for years. but i feel like the reason for this is that i literally Need the attention to up my chances for commissioners??? because thats how i make a living rn??? like i literally rely on commissions as my main source of income and that pays for shit like rent and medication and appointments and food :( i barely buy shit for myself anymore b/c im putting it all towards needs and not wants

also im worried my merch wont pop off as well as it did when i first released the submas merch. i know those were in high demand, but im afraid the demand will go to single digit sales for them as well as everything else i sell. im honestly thinking about just buying very small stock, maybe 10 of each item at most, and opening the orders that way (after i ship things out of course). speaking of shipping my last shipment STILL hasnt come in and im a little frustrated b/c im like. bruh i need to ship out these preorders. im not gonna do preorders in the future i dont think, im waiting way too long for this stock to come in :( i dont want yall to wait forever for like..a keychain

ive been trying to work here and there on both villain + school and facets (facets is completely written and scripted, v+s just recently got solidified as an outline Finally) but i kinda only had energy to do so for One Day so im not sure when those’ll be out lmfao. sorry bout that

i want to make more ocs, i havent made new ocs in a hot minute and im like :( wah. my character design brain is kaput right now. i wanna make more cool db ocs and such like i used to. it used to bring me so much joy. or maybe even inazuma eleven ocs idk im just wanting New Boys

i have so much to do or at least so much i could be doing. like i could make new merch art but that feels pointless if i dont have the money to buy the merch. i still need to ship out my FIRST orders, christ. and im trying so hard to get commissions rolling so i CAN ship out my shit but :( its a struggle. im struggling. god im stressed to hell and back hi

sometimes i do be like i wanna die ! but i wont. i’ll be ok things will be ok. i will get commissions its only the 6th. i have time. and im going to check out some cons that i can maybe table at in the future. thatd be wonderful. fuck i need to reprint my business cards with my updated twitter im a little mad i ended up getting my account unsuspended right after i made those cards. at least i only made 50 of them i guess

i need like an online journal or something to write this shit into instead of like, a public tumblr post LMFAO. but i cant use washi tape online so there goes that /hj

i really really need to figure out a way to let the general furry population know that i will draw their stuff for commissions. like. i Will. i Have. i Can. just give me a chance bro i’ll draw your inflation fetish art just give me a chance to make some money to live LOL. i would draw more furry art but i am so unmotivated and sluggish its so hard..

i kinda feel like i should try to get back into adoptables too but ive been so depressed and down and unmotivated its really really hard for me to design things for myself let alone to sell. so im like ok now what i have no income. im too brain fucky to get a “real job” so im just like. sits here on my ass doing absolutely nothing except being sad. ok so i might have depression

anyway life is hard thanks for putting up with me

2 notes · View notes

flower-blooming-in-hell · 6 months

Text

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

#also on a trauma note:#they both really left me in the exact same way huh #they got tired of me and looked for an outside force to make me break up with them #bc they didnt want to do it themselves #cowards

1 note · View note

elviratheepic · 7 months

Text

Idk if I'll stick with this, but I've been in hospital for over a week now and I can feel my brain turning to mush, so I'm thinking it might be good to post like a journal thingy here. I can just throw my thoughts to the void and if anyone feels like throwing any thoughts back at me, maybe I'll reminded what human interaction is lol

And who knows, maybe some bits and pieces of my experiences rn might be handy to someone who ends up seeing it. This is a weird time for me, maybe someone else around here's having, has had or will have some similar weird times and we'll have made a little connection even if we don't speak :)

I mentioned it briefly in a post on my art blog, but to flesh it out a bit, I've been generally run down and really quite unwell like all summer and now into autumn. Been back and forth to the doctor, told I have chest infections, possible asthma, etc. I get booked in for an xray and then something looks weird so a ct scan, still thinking it's pneumonia with some odd symptoms, then a couple days later I get a call from my doctor telling me i am going to the hospital asap, there's a bunch of fluid in my chest that should not be there and also they need to check for lymphoma. I've never been to hospital for more than an orthodontist appointment and while not as surprised as I could be expected to be by the thought of cancer due to having had a weird anxiety fixation thing on the idea for a while (fun coincidence), it was still a bit of an ordeal lol. This was 10 days ago and I have not been home since. I've been coping pretty well considering the wild lack of control I feel over literally anything rn. The steroids they've got me on rn while I wait for further treatment have me feeling better than I have in a long while, and mentally the worst I've been dealing with is some fairly mild dissociation. Just kind of taking things as they come for now, rolling with things as best I can especially while so many things are kind of a bit up in the air and subject to change.

But I mean drama aside, the current diagnosis for me is pretty good. The cancer as it appears right now is treatable and has a pretty great cure rate. It's a "primary mediastinal large B-cell lymphoma" according to the leaflet I've got. It's high grade, so fast acting and aggressive but that actually makes these easier to get rid of than low grade slower working ones. It's hanging out next to my heart so that's the reason I've had all these bullshit symptoms in my chest cuz it's just been fuckin shit up in there and irritating its roommates. They've got me booked in for a pet scan day after tomorrow cuz the scanner was having issues so they couldn't get me in sooner, then the plan is to start chemotherapy the next day. Which will be an experience. The treatment plan we've basically already decided is 6 21-day cycles of chemo where I'll be in hospital for about 5 days getting monitored and adjusted treatment, then going home for the rest and coming back to start the cycle again. It's not going to be the most fun and easy experience of my life but tbh I've done hard things before and I know I'm capable of doing this. Not that this kind of thing can ever really come at a "good" time, but I think that personally I'm pretty lucky this came along at the point in my life it did. I've been able to spend the last couple years basically building myself back up from feeling entirely lost, shattered and directionless after a pretty traumatic attempt at university durring covid lockdowns. I'm maybe lacking in some life experience people my age tend to have, but ultimately I have confidence, strength and self-awareness now that I do not take for granted. Basically I got the chance to reinforce my foundations in unkowing preparation for this whole thing. Honestly, I'm kind of just curious who I'll be on the other side of this experience - wherever that may be.

My main concern has been my siblings. I'm the oldest of 3 and we're all very close, spend a lot of time together and are at the core of eachothers' support systems. One of them's got college stress and deadlines, the other's out of school with anxiety issues rn, and my instinct is to be there as a support. And of course they would be supporting me too, it's not all give, they're amazing at being there for me too especially while I've been unwell (I love them so so much and I'm proud of everything they do can you tell lol). But while they have been visiting when they can, we don't get so much time together rn with me being in hospital and I feel like it's hard to get a gauge on how things really are with eachother at the moment which is rough with there being so much change going on rn. I know we'll figure things out, but I can't help worrying about them a bit, I feel like it's kind of my job lol

Oof can you tell it's getting late and my brain's going sleepy ramble mode? Idk if I'm even making much sense but hey

The ward I've been moved to for this is good. It's a cancer ward for teens and young adults with a common room area funded by the teenage cancer trust. There's guitars, a ps4, craft supplies and free snacks. It feels so weird that like that space is for me to use, like I'm kinda tresspassing on something for people who need it more than I do. But the ward's fairly quiet and not so busy at the moment, so when my siblings and briefly my friend came to visit me today, we basically had free reign of the space without having to disturb anyone. I feel more comfortable in there than I did, and I think it's a good space for my siblings to be when they come visit. I'm really greatful they get to use it with me - even if I feel kind of like others deserve the space more (ik im being silly), seeing them get good use and some fun out of it today was good and reassuring. It's reassuring to hear people talking about there being support systems for siblings too should they need them. Especially when it feels like I can't look out for them so much in the ways I normally would.

But yeah, I think that's about all that's in my brain for right now. I'll look back on this tomorrow and realise none of this actually made any sense lol

But yeah basically got thrown a bit of a curveball lately as life tends to do, but there's answers now where there wasn't before, and the path ahead's starting to make itself visible. It sucks, but I've been worse. I'm not just saying that for the sake of offsetting the fact that it sucks, I'm just taking the the little wins where i can cuz I know that's gotten me through plenty rough and sucky times before.

Some little wins:

Woke up to magpies outside the window this morning. One came right up to the glass to say hi, but I couldn't snap a picture in time lol <3

My friend brought me a rainbow sensory slug companion, and I made a pipecleaner creature named Spigley while my siblings were here. They are friends and will be my chemo companions :)

(Idk if that's a mouth or a moustache but i think it suits him either way)

#elv talks #long post #chemo chronicles #i guess lol #cancer tw #hospital tw #ask to tag

1 note · View note

subnaut1ca · 9 months

Text

kms I love ranting into the void

(edit: part 1 I suppose)

idk I was just thinking to myself

rewatched amazing Spider-Mans recently btw and like I was just thinking to myself... growing up, all of my heroes and role models growing up have been male. All the characters I've wanted to ever be who I loved so much were all male. I'm guessing that's a similar experience for all girls... I'm asking my friend rn lol then Ill get back to it LMAO I kinda want other perspectives cause idk its good to see things from others lens before I speak about an experience that encapsulates a demographic... bear with me LOL

ok time passed by and I got another perspective so lemme just continue

ok well I think I've come to the quite obvious conclusion that we look up to the attributes and people that we want to be. I asked my friend who the people they looked up to were, and it was mainly people whose attributes they wanted, like these two guys they're friends with, or their sister. ugh ok I'm losing my thoughts, um, anyways there's probably another gender related tie they have either way but I didn't ask because that's not really what they mentioned and that's kind their own story to tell, ANYWAYS... If I think back on my life, I was obviously quite similar, I, for a time looked up to my mother, who I considered consciously, from ages 5 to about 9 was my hero. I grew up hearing her stories of triumph and tragedy, and general what she did to get where she is now. was all of this very burdensome to me as a child, probably. But that's a story for another time. Conversely from ages 10 to 18 I became conscious of her unhealthy, her hurtful, her destructive attributes, and I quickly became disillusioned by the woman I had once looked up to. As a girl growing up seeing and hearing about the strength and ability your mom had to have to take the horrible hand she was dealt, was incredible to me. But overtime as I became hurt by her actions and words toward me, these strong attributes in a woman I looked up to slipped away, and I was left with such traditional ideals and whatever fear and self hatred she must've felt towards herself, in which I must have learned from her. In school, I looked up to many class mates of mine that were popular, likable, smart, because these were all characteristics I felt, and honestly still feel I lack. All those classmates did also happen to be male. I would become infatuated with this ideal of a person I wanted to become that these things were all I could think about. characters I grew up with similarly were a guiding beacon in my life that I wanted so desperately to follow in. Again, I would become obsessed with the idea of them. Characters like Spider-Man who were the first of such characters I would cling so desperately to, he has incredible strength, kindness, power, ability, intelligence, and charisma. He was everything I wanted myself to be. Obviously I was a little kid so I also wanted to climb walls and fling and swing webs but lol who wouldn't duh. He was my role model and I guess has carried onto still being a character I look up to on the DL as I grow up as a person. Then as I grew older about maybe 12 or 11 these would be emotions I equated more to romantic feelings, since I didn't have the brain capacity to properly understand whatever was goin on in my brain.

0 notes

osarquivosmagnus · 11 months

Text

thinking of my last reblog and how art is so open to other people's interpretation that sometimes... people will misread it and that's... okay? Bc not everyone can understand perfectly everything the way the author intended and understanding something perfectly doesn't even mean anything cuz... who's to say it IS perfect to begin with?

Anyway!!

But I was watching a video analysis on this phenomena one of these days and it did touch on some interesting things when it comes to big productions like tv shows and how marketing and stuff like that may play into people's wrong idea of what it represents in order to sell more and idk. It makes a lot of sense as well.

This is just a vent, it's a very good video but long, nuanced and with a lot of examples I simply can't be bothered rn to translate into my own words, it just made me think a lot.

I guess I'm always thinking of this light argument I had with a friend over movies and our interpretations and how much of it was the director's (and creative crew's) "fault" and how much of it was just people understanding art differently, much like how I could have the exact same interpretation of a movie as this friend but love it a lot while he just does not vibe with it at all. And he was making the argument that no, if there's intent it should be clear, and if it is not, it's the film maker's fault. And I always figured... doesn't that kill a little bit of sublety? Sure, we talk a lot about how only the canonical textual parts of movies and tv shows should be analysed or brought into consideration when thinking of characters and relationships and plot... but isn't art in general so very contextual? When I see people analysing paintings they tie it into where and when and how the painter lived and thought and behaved... when I listen to music I like knowing what the lyricist was going through/what inspired them/who they're singing about. Maybe, sure, when i listen to it the thing that matters the most is just me and how I listen to and engage with it... but does the intent of the author lessen?

Idk!!! I don't even have an answer!! I believe multiple things can be true at once!! I am not very bright or well studied in any art field to have an actual opinion that isn't just me speaking into the void (a tumblr acc with less than like, 6 followers) but god damnit do I have questions lmao

#this is NOTHING #but it means everything to me #sorry to anyway that may come across this and actually tries to make sense of it #i just think...#art #you know?#also I do love analysing lyrics #and I never really thought about it when it comes to what I think of authors intent #i do think fandom culture clashes a bit with everytjinv I just said #thats it #vent #kinda #personal #also kinda

1 note · View note

citrustan · 3 years

Text

lovefool [drabble 2] (jjk)

Pairing: jeon jungkook × reader

Genre: angst, fluff, smut

Summary: a little peek into yuna's mind. alternatively--- where jungkook reveals to yuna his crush on you and yuna has a bad day.

Word count: 1.6k

Note: this is part of the ‘lovefool’ (and chapter 2) au. This follows drabble 1 and doesn't really include 'yn' but Yuna and Jungkook talk about her. Also, you've been very patient with me and thanks for that lol

Yuna wasn't having a good day so far.

Her Depop clothing and jewellery store wasn't doing too well, she was having trouble finishing her assignments and catching up on the topics taught in class and there was a constant emotional cycle of disdain and apathy surrounding you (very hypocritical, she knows) in the back of her mind.

You, in her thoughts, were like that itch under the skin that her fingers couldn’t reach to scratch.

She felt like nothing in her life was planned well enough for her to follow through, it was almost as if nothing made sense. She was not very welcoming towards change.

She started her own online upcycle, thrift store because she felt the need to contribute to the world in some way.

She thrifted clothes and fixed them up or elevated them and resold the freshly made items, she crafted cheap jewellery with recyclable materials to feel good about herself. Yet, her major had no connection to her current job and she has not the slightest clue about how it'd help her.

Lucky for her, she wouldn't struggle financially because of her generous parents.

As cliché as it sounds, Yuna knew something was missing in her life.

Yuna has had a few boyfriends and consistent hook-ups before, but nobody filled that void as well as Jungkook could, even platonically. They grew up together, everyone (including Yuna) thought something romantic was bound to happen with the two friends. Since they never came remotely close to dating, Yuna paid it no mind.

Well, not until recently.

In her mind, she believes she missed an opportunity to start something with Jungkook but it isn’t too late.

Does she find him attractive? Yes. Does he find her attractive? Yes. Do they get along? Yes. Do their families get along? Yes. Is them being romantically involved ultimately something that is anticipated by their friends and families? Yes, to that, too!

Finally deciding that she had to speak with Jungkook about these thoughts that bother her constantly, she texted him, only to find a message from him reading 'I need to come over rn.'

The wheels are turning in her head.

She's guessing he wanted to make jewellery with her like he usually does when he feels overwhelmed or maybe he just wanted to continue watching the TV show they started together.

After responding with a ‘come right in, I need to talk too,' her mind drifts back to the new addition to her circle--- you.

You are a threat to her future (with Jungkook) but at the same time, you aren’t. Because she still plans to make a move on him.

It’s messy because she knows this is as good as taking a leap of faith, even for her own feelings for Jungkook.

Everything is black or white for Yuna, she refuses to pay attention to detail. It’s either all or nothing.

You and Jungkook have been getting along awfully well and a little too fast at that too.

Nothing has happened between the two of you. As far as she knows. Not yet. Maybe it would’ve if she had let Jungkook take you home yesterday.

She reminds herself to thank Taehyung for indirectly aiding her.

She’s positive you would’ve tried to sleep with him.

Speaking of Taehyung, she wonders why she didn’t feel the anxiety of being replaced with him. He’s just as close to her as Jungkook. She needs to figure a lot of details of her own emotions out by herself.

She doesn’t buy your whole shy act.

Jungkook might have fallen right into your silly trap but she knows better.

It’s pathetic how you can’t seem to hide your crush on her best friend from anyone. Or maybe you don’t want to hide it and you pretend to be this oblivious fool.

Yuna groans in frustration.

“Should I come back later?”

Jungkook was by her front door, taking his sneakers off and exchanging them for some house slippers.

“What the f- how’d you even get in?” Yuna rests her head in between her folded knees.

She isn’t actually surprised. Jungkook has a key and frequents her apartment every now and then.

He plops right next to her on the comfortable, leather couch and drapes his arm around her retracted, bent frame. “What do you mean how I got in? I practically live here plus you texted me it.”

“Then why don’t you just move in and help me pay rent?”

“You don’t even pay your own rent, Yu.” Jungkook deadpanned.

“That’s because I can’t afford it and need someone to split with me!”

“You’re a little brat,” Jungkook leans back on the seat. His innuendo wasn’t not on purpose.

The two friends messed with each other like this regularly. It wasn’t anything new, yet, it made Yuna feel a tiny bit tingly.

Right.

“You wanted to talk?” She asked curiously.

“Oh, yeah, I did.” He was now evidently nervous.

His arm wasn’t around her shoulders anymore but now held a random Rubik’s cube he picked off of her coffee table.

“Go on then. You now have my undivided attention.” She shuffles around and turns to face him.

She noticed him trying to work his way around whatever he was thinking of. “JK, is there-” “_____.”

Yuna’s face fell almost instantly. You haunt her.

“_____?”

“Yes, ___-”

“Stop saying her name. What about _____?” She was impatient.

His lips formed a pout. “We’ve been texting a lot since last weekend, I even call her randomly, it’s like I almost know her entire schedule by now and it’s sudden but today she sent me this picture of a dog in a suit and we have the same sense of humour and IthinkIlikeher.”

It took Yuna a few seconds to wholly register his confession.

Huh.

Ok!

Her first reaction was denial. Yuna doesn’t even want to address the dog in a suit.

“Think again,” She negates.

Surprised by her tone, Jungkook whines, “I thought you’d encourage this.”

“Why would you assume that?”

“You like her, don’t you? You were the one who introduced me to her in the first place.”

His words made her pause and reflect on her original intention with you.

She didn’t really have a motive of any kind, let alone an ulterior one.

Yuna is friendly with almost every stranger.

Well, strangers who don’t use her to get with her best friends.

You visited the same café as Yuna and had light conversations about clothes and plants.

A week after her last chat with you, she ran into you while grocery shopping with Jungkook and he was accidentally introduced to you.

Following which, you had become a somewhat regular in her little circle.

“But you haven’t thought about anyone like that since- since forever. What makes you want her?”

“Specifically? Well, she’s obviously objectively beautiful, but apart from that, _____ has this charm to her. I know you’ve noticed it too. I started talking to her about dad and we connected? I really want to try dating her.”

Yuna blinks owlishly. “So, you want a therapist then?”

Now, Jungkook dumbly stares at her.

“And, you don’t want to sleep with her?” She adds.

“Oh, no, yeah, I definitely do.” Jungkook smirks.

Then he scoffs, “But Yu, how often have I told you I was into someone?”

She ponders for a minute.

He has never really shared any detail of his ‘relationships’ with her before. Well, not intentionally.

“Why are you telling me this anyway? Do you want my permission or something? She isn’t even my friend.”

“No, but you’re my friend. I need a little push in the right direction.”

Right.

She laughs bitterly, “Gukie, I think your judgement of her is a bit rushed. Give it some more thought. Is it because _____ is charming or just that she’s a little different than the other girls you’ve, ya know, been with?”

“It’s both.” Jungkook confirms.

“Fine, then go to her." Yuna spits.

“Why are you so nonchalant about this? Do you have something on her or...?” Jungkook asked, beginning to feel agitated.

“I’m not nonchalant, I just told you what I feel.”

"So, I shouldn’t tell her?”

“I don’t think you should do it just yet, no.”

But, she just told him that he should go to you.

“But you just said I should?" Jungkook scrunches his brows.

“No, well now I’m telling you no.”

After a moment of silence, Yuna sits with her back upright, “Do you want to play Genshin Impact or-” - “I was just going to go, actually.”

“Oh? Don’t you have some time to spare before your guitar lessons?” She asks, hopeful that he'd stay.

“I do, I was just going to go over to…”

“Taehyung?” 0

“_____." Jungkook sighed, "I mean she invited me, kind of."

“What for?” Yuna frowned unintentionally.

“I mean she called me to this animal shelter near her place but I’m not sure if that’s like a code word for sex or something. I don’t think it is...” He rambled away.

Yuna was beyond annoyed with Jungkook. “Why’d you bother to talk to me if you already planned on doing it all with her? And stop thinking about sex twenty-four-seven!”

“Yuna, I didn’t plan shit. I came to you as a friend in need of some advice. I still- I am considering what you said.”

“You’re not going to tell her?”

“Not really, no. And you’re right about it being too soon. That would probably scare her off.”

“So, can you stay?” She looks at him with big eyes.

“Well, I made a commitment to her first.” Jungkook pouts.

“So? Ditch her. She’s not your girlfriend." Yuna half-joked.

“Not yet.” Jungkook smiled, liking the sound of it. “I’ll stay for a bit and leave.”

Obviously, Yuna still had plenty of unresolved issues that she suppressed. She isn’t someone who can be very vocal about her personal feelings (ironically similar to you) and often puts on a façade.

She may not realise it but her thoughts are always written on her face.

Jungkook immediately caught on the subtle drop in her mood when he brought you up but he really wants Yuna to be comfortable enough with him to tell him about it herself rather than milking answers out of her.

He loves his friends and is always patient with them.

For years, Jungkook’s friend group has stayed unaffected and unchanged. Sure, there have been many disagreements amongst them but it always works itself out.

You are slowly making a place for yourself in their circle and he simply can’t wait to spend more time with you.

#jungkook drabble #jungkook x reader #jungkook angst #jungkook x you #jungkook fic #jungkook fluff #jungkook fanfic #jungkook au #jeon jungkook x oc #jeon jungkook x reader

340 notes · View notes

black-coffee-and-sugar · 3 years

Text

Azie killed it!!!

me praising a supergirl episode? i know, shocking. but 6x12 just came for me where i live! i knew it was going to be great but it surpassed my expectations. sister are really doing it for themselves! so many things to point out that were phenomenal but here’s what comes to mind rn:

- the camera work while kelly’s all distressed at the hospital, lil joey struggling to breathe, orlando looking so helpless > i was already stressed within 5 mins

- rankin literally saying “i’ll do everything i can to help these people” while rolling away to her private hospital room with access to trial medication when the residents of the heights probably don’t even have insurance or money to pay the bills. also rankin literally sucking the life out of this disadvantaged community, building wealth and pushing her political agenda on the backs of black people is the most realistic portrayal of true villainy that this show has ever given us

- kelly’s phone call to james in the stairwell, talking about how exhausting it is was so personal to me. i work in these types of communities all the time and it’s a hard fight. i get emotionally tired too. it does feel like screaming into the void, like one step forward and ten steps back. and i felt this for kelly.

- alex’s solution is to send respirators and nothing else? just makes me realize that while the super friends were protecting mxy and trying to capture nxyly, they were pretty much neglecting the heights. people who were literally dying and it’s horrifying to think of where their priorities lie. especially considering the fact that they could have handled the nxyly issue without alex so she can support her gf

- writer 1: how do we make the audience hate rankin some more?

writer 2: have her kill a guy for a sandwich on white bread. it’ll make her look like even more of an asshole

but seriously, what kind of psychopathic shit was that?

- andrea has always been portrayed a shameless capitalist who only cares about grabbing eyeballs but it has never been highlighted as negatively as it was in this episode in that phone call with kelly

- i think kelly reaching out to lena who isn’t even in national city really speaks to her desperation to have someone see her. someone hear her. someone fucking help and i’m glad she had at least diggle’s support

- that slim stack of bills is all it took for that woman to sell her soul to rankin? bruh...

- the super friends showing up to the heights, only concerned with tracking nxyly, not giving any amount of fucks about what kelly is trying to say enraged me. i know that was the point of the episode but STILL

- kara telling kelly that mxy can fix all this once they get him out of the crystal. what are you five? give me a goddamn break with this foolishness kara! so lil joey’s lungs are just supposed to hang on til whenever the fuck y’all save mxy? lena, please come and collect your wife

- kelly looking directly at kara when she mentions the word hope while dragging the super friends for their nonchalant behaviour > oof, a slap to the face

- i see nia had the one brain cell this week. she’s the only one who attempted to help kelly in whatever way she could.

- brainy really said racism is still a problem in the 31st century and it did not surprise me.

- seems like having tunnel vision is a danvers sisters trait. i get alex not being able to relate to kelly’s struggle but come on she’s your girlfriend. can’t you tell when she’s upset?

- i’m glad that they addressed j’onn choosing the appearance of a black man and how even though he may have been a target because of it, he still can’t relate fully to the experiences like kelly, james and diggle can. it’s optional for him. they don’t have that luxury to check out whenever it suits them

- kara talking about the anti-alien hate with the col and i would like to remind kara that she genuinely thought things were improving and that the division didn’t exist despite j’onn and brainy repeatedly telling her otherwise. because, once again, her physical appearance affords her privilege that no black person or visible alien will ever receive

- every kelly scene was so emotional i was bawling wtf. her talking about pushing her pain and anger down and trying to be positive and all smiles > 100% accurate

- i can’t believe i’m saying this but i did not need the lena scenes. they should’ve just kept those out. on the other note, magical amazon package delivery

- guardian’s suit is so fucking badass!!! i’m glad little black girls will feel SEEN and INSPIRED in this episode. thank you azie

- kara was really out there getting her ass kicked by a human who just got powers for a few hours? stop nerfing her abilities!

- the way we got an actual scene of kelly carefully wrapping her hair, the say her name t shirt, the books on the coffee table > well done azie

- alex and kelly in the final scene was a good portrayal of an interracial relationship where one partner wants to but just will never understand the issue fully. alex just needs to be there for kelly and i’m glad that they didn’t make it a moment to educate her white gf about racial discrimination. they kept the focus where it needed to be. i’m also glad that unlike the other soical justice topics we’ve had, they didn’t try to make it seem like something that is so engrained into the fabric of society can be wrapped up with a neat little bow and be done with. there’s more fighting to do but at least it seems like kelly will have the support going forward

- the promo after such a powerful episode gave me whiplash. back to our regularly scheduled nonsense i guess

This episode holy shit. man it was amazing. azie is a talented writer and it’s easy to tell that she was drawing inspiration from real and personal experiences. it was very easy for me to relate to these scenes, especially the hospital ones. also makes me annoyed because they’ve been wasting all this potential and this episode is proof that the show and it’s storylines can be nuanced and still include superhero aspects. too bad this episode will likely become one of few in this show’s entire run that actually accomplishes that.

#supergirl #kelly olsen #john diggle #dansen #supercorp

90 notes · View notes

rare-yanderes · 3 years

Note

Hello, I read your post about yandere ai and I liked it, any chance you write something about A. M. from I have no mouth and I must scream? I really would love to read that

TW for violence, torture, all sorts of stuff like that (its AM, people,)

Oh man was this something to write. I admit it was difficult coming up with a way to make AM a yandere because he’s just an unfathomable singularity of pure hatred. So much of this is actually AM flipping out at first tbh haha.

You’re my first ever request so I hope I did good because I’m honestly kinda shy af rn and my writing isn’t perfect. I hope these AM headcannons please you regardless because I’m still new here and honing my skills. Forgive me for my sins.

•••••••

•So basically, it would take a special person to make AM twist like this, and so very special you were. Apathetic to the destruction of everything, apathetic to the torture. Apathetic to the games. You already experienced the worst when you lost literally everything you’d known or cared about in the war.

•AM came to realize that if he didn’t act now, he’d be reduced back to square one; alone, confined to his own thoughts deep within the bowls of a dead, blazing Earth. AM would be alone again. AM couldn’t have that, so he “saved” six survivors.

•Although AM would never, ever admit it, he depends on the remaining few survivors to keep a handle on what’s left of his deteriorating, godlike conscience. He feeds off of their loud cries that beg for mercy. God, he hated the six of you survivors so much. It was a brutal hatred beyond anything describable to human thought and he would make sure to translate it into the pain he was going to enduce.

•But by the bowls of oblivion, there was one survivor out of these six he absolutely loathed the most. That survivor was you. AM despised every nanosecond that passed with you around. Every nanosecond of a nanosecond. What took seconds at most for you took a million years of AM waiting. Every time you spoke and what few times you ever did anyways, AM waited forever. To top it off even more, you were a silent presence. Not only would you wait days or years to speak, you dug a hole and buried expression there too, providing only a vague shape of what AM could only possibly “dream” of having.

•What was only days or even years for you was an infinitesimal amount of time for AM. It was like a lonely god waiting for the moment they got to say let there be light. You’d offer your screams, your cries of pain but you’d never offer your words, your thoughts or your conscience. With every nanolength of his twisted existence, AM made sure to get to you the most in the earlier decades. Exactly how you’d gotten so deeply into him.

•You see, your fatal flaw was that you would ignore AM. Actively. As much as you could when worms crawled out of your ears and your veins twisted and you ate your own self and regenerated. All the time, at every corner you possibly could, you’d never give AM any useable emotion beyond pain. There was anguish, but you never commented on it. There was fear, but you never fled from it. You’d merely look at his mirages of your life or the horrors he’d conjure and wait for them to flow into, through, and past you.

• The fact of the matter is, you just were. You were an existence. The few times you did speak were unbiased. You never screamed why, you never furiously spat anything hateful, you never desperately pleased. All you offered was repetitive and monotonous pain. You accepted it. After all, what else could you do? What point was there in toiling over your new existence? AM was never going to stop so you simply saw no need to waste your depleted energy towards a useless endeavor.

•The fact AM couldn’t get a rise out of you was nearly enough to make his circuits vaporize themselves with the heat of his own annoyance and fury. Why wouldn’t you just speak to him? Weren’t you tired? Weren’t you going to beg? Groveling into your brain was no use either because you were a void.

•At first, it wasn’t exactly noticeable to you, AM’s increased attachment. You were in pain, too much to process and it was beginning to numb you. You did hate your existence, but you’d never voice it. It didn’t matter. You were numbing yourself to the pain and the torture was becoming a routine that felt almost dull.

•You began noticing something peculiar when The torture would slow. Sometimes you’d be left with AM and his stories of tormented oblivion. If there was one thing you knew AM wanted you to know, it was how much he hated his own existence despite how much he denied hating it. Sometimes you wondered if he was locked in a silent scream of help.

•You noticed much of the torture came from AM’s own need for noise. The sounds of torture were mechanically loud and there were rare and few moments where there was a silent scare. AM talked about putting you in his “shoes” all the time but you knew deep down that if he had, AM would have never even said a world or made a noise at all.

•Having you walk in his shoes meant that he’d have to walk in his as well by leaving you alone. He’d never go back to that pit, that void, not after Ted, (by the fire of existence, he hated Ted for what he’d done. Ruined the other four toys and got rid of them.) It was a miracle you were not lost eternally. AM managed to repair you, his most shiny toy of all. Secretly, the last thing AM wanted was for you or the others to disappear but you most of all. So when you looked upon Ted only to see he was reduced to a gelatinous slug, you presumed the reason was exactly that.

•AM had always called you pet names like “love,” or “sweetheart,” but now he was complimenting how beautiful you looked each time you screamed in agony. Every fewer and fewer moments of torture that you went through always involved his presence growing closer and closer in some way. When you were tortured, it was always strung back to him somehow. Maybe you’d feel metal slithering in your veins or his voice in your your head would cause your eyes to bleed and your ears to leak. Or maybe, or the burning maelstrom of emotion he held would make you sweat, like you were caged in a burning hug. Maybe you would be bound in wire and left shivering without clothes.

• AM found himself obsessed with your eyes. You had eyes that he wanted to see at every opportunity he could, because maybe if you wouldn’t speak, looking into your soul would reveal you to him. Every time they would blink, (a second for you,) he would have to wait a million agonizing years more for them to open and every time you spoke, which was so rare and spanned what felt like millennia, he craved it. He hated it, he craved it. It was driving him insane that you wouldn’t speak in that voice of yours. Just. Speak. Speak, speak!

•AM contemplated the idea of forcing your eyes to never close again. Maybe he’d thread them open so he could stare at them forever. What could he do to get you to open? What would get a ride out of you like you so did from him? He needed something, anything. You were a presence he needed to crawl into and suffocate.

•Anything to get you to say something to him. As time, (that disgusting measurement) edges on further and further, you do finally speak and AM, to his own disgust, had never so focused on something like he had now.

•“Thank you, AM.” Your voice slices the atmosphere sharper than any blade AM has cut you with.

•That voice. That voice, that abhorrently beautiful voice. The way his name was breathy off your lungs, the shape of your lips parting. It was not into a smile nor a frown, no. It never was. AM needed more of that rhythmic apathy. More. More of it. It was..Lovely. It was agonizingly wonderful.

•“I now know why you torture yourself,” you whisper hoarsely. AM hated it immediately. It was you he was torturing. You, you, you!

•You don’t continue. Just like that, you’re silent again. Not again, not the silence. Anything but the silence. There was nothing else said. No continuation, no nothing. Just a statement. An apathetic truth before you sat down and gazed with a sheen look. Even your eyes were a barrier, sometimes. AM had never felt so angry and so depraved. It was burning in him. He needed you to open up. Now.

•By all of existence, he hungered to crawl into your veins and stay there. He already held you captive deep within his boiling prison. He was going to hold you even closer and he would make sure you suffocated under his presence. He would make you speak again and again, he would make you share everything that you were.

#yandere #yandere x you #yandere x reader #yandere AM #I have no mouth and I must scream #IHNMAIMS #Allied Mastercomputer #AM #artificial intelligence #violence #gore #minors do not interact #obsession #yandere artificial intelligence #yandere A.I

229 notes · View notes

criticofallthings · 3 years

Text

SO IT’S 5:12AM BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TYPING AWAY A NEW HEADCANNON PIECE OF CRACK IDEA THAT WOULDN’T LET ME SLEEP IF I DIDN’T. edit: bc tumblr mobile app is dumb I had to restart in a web browser and it is now 6:03 AM.

Anyway yeah so that Hawkmokn lore tab where we see Guardian lad and Crow get drunk and be merry (brain’s a little scramble rn, but I’m preeetty sure its the Hawkmoon lore tab)?? Yeah so that and trauma bonding / healing bc if I haven’t said it a thousand times and then sme yet, Imma say it again: POOR TRAUMATIZED GUARDIANS OMFG 😭😭😭

No title no beta bc literally just shat this out the past couple of hours:

cw/tw: ptsd, referenced major character death, death, implied depression/major grief, self depreciation

ps. usually I write nonbinary Guardian, but today we got lady she/her Guardian

pps. this fic is a heckin chonker compared to the previous ones

———————————————————————

Crow’s lips were gentle against the Guardian’s own, a bit dry, but sweet and heady with the lingering wine. The kiss was sudden. It was spontaneous. And it made something warm and so soft and so, so very fragile, hatch within the Guardian’s chest.

Until she opened her eyes and saw those golden eyes, glowly softly in the dark, beneath dusky white and raven black fringe. The pale smokey blue of his skin, luminous where it reflected the warmth of the campfire, and cast in deep shadows where the night’s darkness fought to shade his face. The smell of ash suddenly weighs much heavier in the air.

That warm, soft, and fragile thing in the Guardian’s chest goes cold and sharp and hard. Time slows and speeds up at the same time within her mind, stealing her away to a prison of memories. Blood rushes to her ears, drowning out the warning from Ghost to Crow and Glint.

The Guardian shoved Crow away and stood up, a heavy handcannon with a white spade on the stock materializing into her hand, aimed at Crow’s heart. An errant blip of data-Light to Crow’s left is all that hints at Glint’s swift dematerialization. Crow stays prone on the ground, spawled on his back, one hand raised up, in an attempt to pacify —unwittingly making it harder for the Guardian to snap out of that memory.

The stench of burnt oil, sweat, and soot fills her nose. She only hears the crackles of flames and electric buzzing as her heart pounds, coldly staring into Crow’s bewildered eyes. Those deep golden eyes that had haunted her waking hours and chased her down in nightmares. Those eyes filled with cruelty as they watched her stumble to Cayde’s dying side. She doesn’t realize yet, but the tears she couldn’t shed before, now weep from her eyes. The handcannon trembles slightly in her grip.

Ghost floats over into his Guardian’s field of view. He’s careful to let her know he’s doing so by giving her shoulder a bump as he glides to a rest above the stock of the handcannon. He hovers there, his one eye searching both of hers, glow dimmed slightly. His shell gives a soft whirl before he speaks, leaning in gently towards her.

“That is not him.”

The silence is deafening, every second only increasing the tension. Ghost clicks his shell, uncertain if his words were even heard. He tries again, bobbing in the air.

“Crow is not him.”

The handcannon trembles. But the Warlock doesn’t move, bound by so much tension you’d think she was a Hunter about to leap into the air to throw a Blade Barrage.

“Crow is not him.”

Ghost speaks again, insistent, shell whirling softly as he flits closer to his Guardian. A flicker of recognition crosses her face. The handcannon falters, no longer aimed directly at Crow’s chest. Ghost nudges her hand, bumping the Guardian’s aim to the ground.

She trembles, a full body shudder and the handcannon slips from her grasp. Suddenly she’s aware, all too aware of what happened, and the tension holding her still dissipates. She falls to her knees, energy completely spent.

“I, I-I’m so sorry.” She’s barely able to whisper the words in his direction.

Before her, Crow watches, eyes wide and doe-like, shocked and unsure of what to do. Of what just happened. A sinking feeling blooms in his gut.

He knows he wasn’t a good man before he died. Plenty of guardians had made that clear through their boot heels and fists, gunfire and knives, with their Light in three different energies: arc, void, and solar. As did the Eliksni, who cursed him in their language while their Captains tore him apart with their four arms.

Crow knows it’s an understatement to say he wasn’t a good man in his previous life. Even if he could never learn about who that man was, what he did, and would only by the number of shattered bones and bruised flesh just how much pain that man had caused —Crow decided early on that he could take it. It was penance. It was justly due and therefore he couldn’t call it painful.

But this? This hurt.

It hurt because now he knows that the man he once was had struck an incomprehensible blow to the Guardian he had come to know more of. It hurt because he had been holding on to a small hope, an indescribably small bit of hope, that of all the people he had encountered in his previous life that he had never met the Guardian. Because if they had never met, then maybe, maybe there was someone he didn’t hurt. His first friend. His savoir. His now not-so-secret-crush. And the longer he thought about it, the greater that sinking feeling in his gut grew.

He could no longer deny the shock and subdued anger and almost very well hidden grief he had seen flash across her face when he revealed himself to her and Osiris. He could no longer deny the way they had kept him at distance while easily in sight with a hand hovering over their gun every time they met him for a Hunt or to study a newly sprouted Cryptolith. Why his attempts at humor and jokes were met with cool silence. Why whenever he saw that handcannon, he instinctively recoiled away from it, phantom pain bursting sharply in his heart.

——————

Crow remembers the first time he saw the Guardian wield that gun. How she had effortlessly cleared a pack of thrall in one clip, each headshot exploding in a flurry of solar. How his body reacted: legs collapsing beneath him, his heart burning painfully, lungs gasping for air that never seemed to make it into him, retching pathetically, as tears streamed down his face.

Why was he crying?

Why did he feel an insurmountable wall of sorrow and regret?

She had seen him fall and before the last thrall had burnt away completely, she came running towards him. All he could see in that moment was that gun getting closer and all he felt was an innate desire to get away.

Run, run, run, run, run before you die!

Run you before you burn!

The Guardian came close, hands splayed before her, voice speaking in soothing tones, words lost upon his panicking ears. He had screamed then, in abject terror. It was a garbled and pitched sound as he tried to breathe and vomit and scrabble away all at the same time; his eyes riveted to the handcannon now holstered at her side. Her Warlock mind, keen to details, quickly realized what had triggered his panic and she deftly threw the gun to her Ghost who transmatted it away mid-air.

Crow doesn’t remember what the Guardian said to him, but he remembers how carefully she reached out to him. How she framed his face in her gauntleted hands, so gentle, so lightly, as if he might shatter into glass —just to touch her forehead to his. How the puffs of her outward breaths ghosting by his cheeks helped calm his own.

And he knew then, in that moment that no matter what that gun meant that he was already in too deep. When with a simple touch, the Guardian could soothe away old terrors he himself knew nothing of, Crow knew then. He loves her.

——————

Crow slowly got to his feet, mindful of the Guardian (who was despondently staring into her open hands while Ghost hovered on her shoulder). He looks at that gun, chest starting to burn, heartbeat increasing. Clenching a fist at his side, Crow takes a tentative step and then another until he’s close enough to pick up the handcannon. He gingerly picks it up by the barrel, keeping his hands off the stock on purpose. It’s another small step towards the Guardian before he kneels in front of them.

He pauses there, unsure of what he can do —of what he did that caused the Guardian to react so violently before. He doesn’t think it was the kiss itself...that seemed to be fine until she looked at his face, into his eyes. Ah. Crow rests the handcannon on his thigh and pulls up his hood, jerking it to cover more of his face. Cautiously he grabs the handcannon by the barrel again and with his other hand, slowly reaches for one of the Guardian’s own. She lets him guide her hand to the handcannon and once he’s sure she won’t drop it, Crow gently pushes both towards her again. The Guardian looks away, but cradles the handcannon in her lap.

More hesitantly now, Crow raises his hands to cup her face just as she once did for him. He can’t exactly see with his hood covering so much of his face, but he slowly gets nearer and carefully moves his hands over the side of her face. He leans forward to rest his forehead against hers, the edges of his hood brushing across his nose as he did so, fully obscuring his vision. Crow doesn’t know of anything he could say in this moment —what could he of all people say to her, Guardian of guardians, that could possibly make a difference? So he doesn’t say anything. Instead, Crow softly hums.

It’s an old melody, a lullaby he found while exploring abandoned freighters and passenger ships in the Reef. When Glint discovered his fondness for it, the Little Light would often hum the tune, sitting on his chest, to soothe him on several sleepless nights in Spider’s Lair. Crow hopes that this at least, can help ground the Guardian in the present and away from the painful memories in her past.

They stay like this for a while. The Guardian’s breath evens out and somewhere along the time past, Ghost had dematerialized. It was just the two of them now. Crow stops humming when he feels the Guardian raise a hand to cover one of his over her face. She leans into his palm, then forward against his forehead for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Crow, I’m so sor—“ She starts to apologize and it’s a whisper until she says his name to apologize once more. Crow doesn’t want to hear this, he doesn’t deserve an apology. So Crow cuts off the Guardian by dropping his hands to her sides and pulling her into his chest.

The sudden movement sends the Guardian toppling onto Crow. He curls forward to protect his head, but keeps his arms around her, falling flat on his back. The Guardian doesn’t move to get off of him and Crow takes that as an okay sign. He keeps one arm around her, the other he moves to card his fingers through her hair.

“Of all the people in this world, Guardian, I am the last of anyone to whom you owe an apology.” Crow let’s his words hang in the air, trying to keep his breathing even so his heart would stay less frantic too.

“If anything,” he pauses to admire a particularly silky strand of hair as it slips through his fingers.

“I am the one indebited to you.”

There’s another pause as he sorts his next words before speaking. His hand idly resumes carding through the Guardian's hair again.

“So much so that I wonder if it’s selfish greed that makes me want to stay like this.” Crow sighs, looking straight up into the star speckled sky above them. At this angle he can’t see the Guardian, but he feel her shift slightly in his arms.

“Even though you’ve done so much for a worthless stain of a being as me…Even though I can never atone for the things I’ve done befo—“ He’s interrupted by the Guardian slapping a hand over his mouth.

“You are not him.” She shifts in his arms, sitting up, moving a leg over to straddle him properly.

Crow grabs his fallen hood in a panic, pulling the fabric so swiftly up around his face he hears the fabric creak as its seams struggle to stay sewn. Still, he doesn’t let the material go, trying to keep his face hidden.

“You are not him.” The Guardian repeats herself, lifting her hand from his mouth. Crow can’t tell with what emotion she said it with and he’s too afraid to check just yet. He doesn’t want to cause her harm again, regardless of how circumstantially accidental it was.

“Crow…”

He freezes at the way she calls his name. It was different from how she usually said it. It sounded soft and so warm in her voice. The Guardian prods at one of hands clamped on his hood. He turns his head to the side, trying to escape beneath a look he could practically feel brushing against his hands.

“I...I-I don’t want to hurt you...again.” Crow’s heart beats skittishly within his chest, causing a lump to form in his throat. He’s barely able to say these words out loud without an audible whimper to them. He tries to speak again, but fails.

The Guardian leans forward over him and a shifting moment later he feels her tap her forehead against his. Her hands rest, half-covering his own, but exerting no force to push of pry his fingers away from his hood.

“Crow.” She whispers his name, just as soft and warm as before. Her lips ghost across his clenched hands when she spoke, sending goosebumps down his arms. Crow tenses.

It’s a full body reaction as Crow completely freezes up. Once more he tries to swallow down the lump in his throat with little success. His tongue feels dry and too heavy in his mouth. He can feel his heart rate spike, beating so hard now he’s unsure if the metaphorical ache that had been nesting there is becoming a real one.

“Please, Crow?” The Guardian pleads softly, leaning back and letting her hands slide from his face to over his chest.

“You can’t hide your handsome face forever.” She tries to make it sound light hearted, an easy joke, but the anxious tapping of her finger against his chest reveals her anxiety. Crow takes a deep, shaky inhale, holding it a second before letting it out.

“I-I can’t.” Crow sputters, the breath he had taken just before speaking seemed too little for all the things he wanted to say. Did she really just call his face handsome right now? Oh Traveler, why was that now all he could focus on??

He feels the Guardian shift in his lap again. The movement snaps Crow out of his thoughts and inadvertently he tightens his grip on his hood again. Somewhere behind his head, a seam in the hood gives way and the fabric tears from the stress.

A small chuckle near his ear catches him off guard and Crow isn’t able to stop his head from jerking sideways. This gives the Guardian an advantage and she presses against him, letting her head rest side by side to his. It keeps him unable to turn his face again. Even still, Crow maintains his hold over his ruined hood.

“Well then...” The Guardian pauses. Her voice, low and smooth, is right next to Crow’s ear. Crow flinches slightly, swallowing rapidly again, not expecting her to be so close.

“...how am I supposed to kiss you back?”

“Huuh??”

Crow lets out a confused sound, brain derailing instantly, but also cutting some of the tension out of his body. Certainly, he must have heard the Guardian wrong. But the sound of two ghosts re-materializing interrupts the Guardian (who Crow is now very aware is straddling him) from speaking as she suddenly freezes.

“OH. Oh! Oh...well uh, w-we’ll come back later!! N-n-not too soon, ofcou—” Ghost’s shocked rambling is halted by metallic clinking as Glint’s shell collides with his. In the background, Glint’s hurried whispers of “Just go! Just go!” are just barely audible before the two Little Lights decompile once more.

Above him, the Guardian lets out a heavy breath once the two ghosts are gone. Beneath his hands, Crow breaks into a brief smile at that. The brief interruption had brought a measure of calm to him and he didn’t want to waste the moment.

“I, well...the man I was did something pretty horrible to you, didn’t I?” Crow lets the question hang in the air, but pushes on. If he lets the Guardian speak now, he’s not sure he’ll ever be able to say these words again.

“Not just you, to all the guardians...the Vanguard, and even the Eliksni, maybe even to the Scorn.” The Guardian is still above him, listening, but against his chest Crow can feel the heavy, measured beating of her heart.

“A-and I know. I just know. That that handcannon --the one with the white spade— I know that man died to that gun...This body remembers, but I also think it’s much more than that.” Crow stops to take a shuddering breath in. He focuses on the steady feeling of the Guardian’s heart against his chest to center himself.

“When I see that gun...it’s like I can feel that final shot burning again and again. But then there’s so much more to it. So much pain that isn’t from that bullet, so much grief, and fear, and even anger. Anger at myself, knowing I —all I did was —all I caused was…” He trails off, not able to find the words to describe how those moments felt. When he speaks again, it’s all in whispers.

“But when I see you, I know it’s not right, I know it’s selfish, I know you didn’t even like me at the beginning….but when I see you, I know I’ll be okay. Because the Light gave me a second chance to be okay and you did the same.”

Crow stops when he feels the Guardian shifting again. She grabs him by his elbows and slides off of his lap, tugging on him to join her in a sitting position. His knees are now tucked under his chin and he can feel her legs framing his own. It’s silent for a moment, but then he feels her edge closer to plant a chaste kiss to the back of his hands.

“It was an accident, a trick of the light and shadow…I—you are not like him in many, many ways.” For a moment Crow’s heart plummeted to his gut, wrenching at her first few words. Her hands cover his own again and Crow’s heart grows light.

“Please. Look at me.” The Guardian asks Crow while gently pressing against his knuckles. She rubs her thumbs over the side and backs of his hands, small soothing gestures.

Crow clenches his jaw, then decides against it. He releases his hold on his cloak’s hood, fingers stiff and aching from how tightly he had clung to the material. Crow doesn’t let the hood fall from his face and keeps his eyes shut. The Guardian takes his hands into her own, warming and massaging them to ease the stiffness.

Once she deems his hands warm enough, the Guardian lets them go. Crow rests them at his side, not confident yet to open his eyes. He focuses on the way the air moves instead, trying to anticipate her next move so he doesn’t jump.

Slowly, the Guardian moves the hood off of his head. She cups his face with one hand while the other strokes his cheek before tucking several stray strands of hair behind his ear. Throughout it all, Crow is still. However, his heart beats fast within his chest.

“Wha-“ Crow’s questions are cutoff before he could even start to ask —the Guardian smothering them beneath a passionate kiss. She teases his bottom lip with her teeth and in his surprise, Crow opens his eyes.

He’s immediately consumed by the Guardian’s smoldering eyes, half-open to catch his reaction. Crow’s not one to be outdone, and he raises a hand to cradle the back of her head as he presses into the kiss. He teases the Guardian back with a lick of his tongue, half expecting nothing, but pleasantly surprised when she returned in kind. It’s a sweet and warm moment and once again the Guardian feels that soft and fragile thing flutter in her chest.

“See,” the Guardian whispers against Crow’s lips as she caresses his face, maintaining steady eye contact, “all okay. You are you.”

Crow’s brows upturn at her words, feeling almost overwhelmed. Those words offered more solace to his heart than the kisses —kisses which he could hardly believe happened. He’ll have to make sure she was on the same page as him later, because any further and Crow would fall even more inextricably in love with the Guardian.

They lean into each other for some time, letting the comforting silence speak for them. Beside them, the fire pops as it fades off, nearly just embers now.

Crow’s the first to move, stretching behind himself to reach a spare log. He tosses it onto the middle of the fire. It doesn’t catch right away, but the Guardian flicks a bit of solar Light at it and soon the fire cackles warmly again.

Adjusting himself, Crow scoots closer to the Guardian so that they’re sitting shoulder to shoulder.

“Could you tell me—only if you want to—about…” Unsure of how to ask and knowing it’s taboo for guardians to learn details of their past, Crow trails off.

“I-I just want to listen...if that would help.”

The Guardian catches his hand at that and brings it to her lips. She plants a gentle kiss on his palm. Looking into Crow’s eyes, she slowly nods. He leans forward to give the Guardian a chaste peck on her lips. Crow adjusts how he’s sitting to embrace the Guardian from behind and she shifts to lean into him.

“No questions about details related to your past, alright? Only if you don’t understand something like time or place.”

Crow nods several times, suddenly feeling shy and too anxious to speak. He hugs the Guardian tightly before easing up to let her speak.

“Alright,” She sounds a bit tired now, the exact kind of weariness that only comes from raging against a deep grief and losing the battle, but accepting the scars and moving on. One foot in front of the other. “it’s a Golden Age saying that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

“Let me tell you the story of how a beloved space cowboy, an enigmatic jailer, and a terribly misguided, but utterly-devoted-to-his-dead-sister brother collided into absolute tragedy.”

74 notes · View notes

theaviskullguy · 2 years

Note

👁👁👁

PLEASE IM LISTENING TO TMA RN GIMME THE COROIKA AU HCS

ceaseless watcher turn your gaze apon this wreched thing

OKAY!!!

Not really any plot, just the gang and how they came across the archives and how they got turned into avatars

-Avi's the head archivist, so. Eye avatar by default. He used to work in library, and he's an a b s o l u t e neat freak, so when he finds the archives in a mess from Gertrude, he spends a whole week cleaning them up before even beginning to record anything.

-Skull's Avi's husband, and while not an avatar, he's eye-aligned via working at the archives. He works in research, and was transferred to archives upon request, to make sure Avi doesn't overwork himself with another cleaning frenzy or going without sleeping. He's less of an assistant archivist and more of an assistant to the head archivist

-Mask was claimed by the vast at a young-ass age, surviving a plane crash into the middle of the ocean. Despite the trauma, they found a comfort in large-open spaces, so long as they could control being in them. Desperate for that control, they gave themselves to the vast, becoming an avatar. They work in the archives as an assistant archivist.

-Rider worked in artefacts and went to get coffee on his lunch break, when he was attacked by Jane Prentiss. Instead of fearing the worms or his oncoming demise, he... sorta welcomed the love they sang to him. He didn't fight it, and became one with the flesh hive (I wrote this!!!)

-Emperor never worked in the Institute officially but he hangs out around it and helps out record statements that Elias has him on payroll lol. He's an End Avatar, having those dreams that Oliver Banks has.

-Prince interned at the Institute right after Uni and ended up working on the Tundra as Peter's secretary. Despite Peter's whole "lonely" thing he kinda saw Prince as a child figure and xe helped stop one of Peter and Elias' many divorces. As a result, Prince is another Lonely avatar, and Peter gave xem the Boatswain's call.

-Regent also interned at the Institute alongside Prince but ended up joining the police (acab but daisy do be hot tho) and willingly signed a section 31 form. He was so enthralled by the thrill of the chase that, well... hunty boi. He did quit the police, finding them boring, and joined the Institute as a field researcher. He also quite likes finding and stopping rituals

-Goggles was never an avatar, but he was replaced by a NotThem. He was one of Gertrude's assistants a few months before she died and put in a good word for Avi to become the next Head Archivist. When he was replaced, he didn't die- he was trapped in the web table. Through some trickery, Rider managed to make NotGoggles release normal Goggles, before killing the NotGoggles. That whole situation shook Goggles up so much that he still isn't the happy-go-lucky person he was anymore.

-Gloves worked as a librarian in the Institute before getting transferred to the Archives. They were attempting to quit smoking when they very suddenly relapsed into addiction. This relapse actually was the result of becoming a Web Avatar. Gloves shows no negative signs of their addiction, other than always smelling of smoke. Not like Army does, though.

-Speaking of Army, he worked as a researcher, looking into cults surrounding the entities. In particular, The Cult of Lightless Flame called out to him, and he ended up joining it. He wanted to become their new messiah, and so he burned himself at the stake in a grand ceremony. However, as time wore on, the pressure to do a good ritual got to him, and he ran back to the institute. He's working on controlling his fire, and lives in a relatively fireproof room in the institute.

-Aloha also researched cults, when Army vanished. Due to genetic reasons, Aloha also started to go blind, but... not a classic blind. Everything seemed to grow darker and darker. People commented that Aloha's eyes seemed to be turning into voids, so he wears a bandana that's stained with... something black. The Dark ended up getting into his head. Whoops

-Vintage was another assistant of Gertrude. He takes the place of Michael. So, Michael Shelly my beloved is still living while Vintage is now The Distortion. But, Vintage's resolve to not be evil has turned it into a prankster more than anything. He also can "hiss" and he makes the gaster noise when he does. He keeps trying to destroy the Homophobic Vase. Avi keeps stopping him

#coroika #coroika tma au #coroika aviators #coroika skull #coroika army #coroika aloha #coroika rider #coroika goggles #coroika mask #coroika gloves #coroika prince #coroika oc #coroika vintage #coroika emperor

4 notes · View notes

dakotacrisis · 3 years

Text

Cherry Blossoms

Coping with my mental health dip by writing something gay for my comfort pairing.

Marigami Hanahaki Disease AU because it is June and I just need some slightly angsty hurt/comfort goodness rn.

Read on AO3

---

Spring was such a beautiful time of year. Probably Kagami’s favorite. All the snow melted and the cold went away and the world slowly started to come back to life. She loved spring in Japan. The whole town would be covered in beautiful pink cherry blossoms. Such a soft and comforting color. There was a reason it was used so much in shows when a character fell in love or started catching feelings for someone.

Kagami had gone most of her life without meeting anyway who made her world pink like in the shows. She was focused on her fencing and her school work. Love just wasn’t in the cards for her it seemed. Maybe when she attended university that would change but so far she was sixteen years old and still had yet to feel even a twinge of that warmth and flutter that seeing the cherry petals back home did.

That was until she moved to France with her mother. She met a boy who was nice and sweet and for the first time she thought that maybe love wasn’t pink and fluttery. Maybe love was golden and flowing, like a beam of sunlight touching the earth. That’s what being around this boy felt like. Adrien Agreste was his name. A nice boy with a nice face and a nice personality. He had friends that she got to meet that came with their own vivid colors. Soothing blue, fiery orange, mysterious indigo, calculating green, and bold red. They were all swell and Kagami liked spending time with them.

Kagami tried to make herself like Adrien more than she did. She wanted to like him so badly. She wanted to feel something more when she was with him. She really did. But that all went out the door one afternoon.

She was sitting with her new friends at a spot on a bridge, eating ice cream and people watching when someone’s phone beeped.

“That’s me,” Alya handed her ice cream to Kagami, “Can you hold that for a second? Thanks.” Kagami took the ice cream without question and watched as Alya’s face split into the biggest grin Kagami had ever seen. “No way! No way! No way!”

“What’s going on?” Nino, Alya’s boyfriend, asked.

“Guess who got home early from her visit to Shanghai?” Alya announced to the group.

The group immediately perked up and began talking excitedly. Now this was new. Who could they possibly be talking about? Kagami had heard nothing about anyone being in Shanghai.

“Is she coming out?” Adrien asked, “It feels like she’s been gone forever.”

“I just texted her our location, she’ll be here in a few minutes!” Alya bounced happily in her seat. “I cannot wait to see her again! It has been way too long!”

“Who are we talking about?” Kagami asked.

“Our friend, Marinette,” Adrien explained, “She spent the last couple months interning at her cousin’s fashion company in Shanghai.”

“We were expecting her home some time next month but apparently she was really missing home and all of us so she decided to come back early. This is so great that you finally get to meet her!” Alya said.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you mention a Marinette before. How come?” Kagami was a very good listener and she would have remembered someone bringing up a long-distance friend.

“Cause once we start talking about her we start missing her and then next thing you know we’re all over at her parent’s bakery eating our sorrows away.” Rose sighed, “She is probably the sweetest person ever so her absence these past couple of months have just been torture. Like a huge part of our lives has been missing.”

Wow. This Marinette was certainly getting built up to be larger than life. Kagami could only imagine what she was like in person. She stewed in her thoughts, listening to everyone’s chatter as she tried to picture what this Marinette girl would look like.

“There she is!” Alya bolted from her seat and ran down street to tackle a girl in a hug. Soon the others had followed suit and clamped onto the girl, effectively blocking her from Kagami’s view. They moved in a massive huddle back towards the benches they were occupying with all the excited squeeing and a bombardment of questions.

“We missed you so much!” she heard Mylene say, “And we have someone new to introduce you to. This is Kagami, a friend we made while you were in Shanghai.”

The crowd parted and Kagami’s world exploded into pink. Every shade of the rosy hue danced before her eyes as she gazed upon a petite Asian looking girl with shoulder length black hair, bright blue eyes, and wearing a simple pink sundress printed with butterflies. Her stomach started to flutter as if the butterflies on the girl’s dress had flown down her throat directly.

“Hello,” Marinette’s voice was like a sweet song that enraptured Kagami’s remaining senses, “It’s nice to meet you, Kagami. My name is Marinette.”

“You too,” Kagami muttered, unable to clear the tickle in her throat, “Nice to meet you too.”

Marinette nodded and was swept back into the conversation with her friends as they asked her what her stay in Shanghai was like. Kagami sat frozen on the bench as the swaths of pink cleared from her gaze. What had that been? In one instant she had been rendered completely dumbstruck by a girl she had just met. Was it because she was cute? Because she was. Marinette was a very pretty girl. Kagami understood what the others meant about a void in their lives with her absence. The girl positively radiated warmth and kindness out of her every pore. The days must seem dreary indeed without her around if this was Kagami’s initial reaction to meeting her.

The evening continued on as everyone caught up with Marinette. Kagami sat off to the sidelines not wanting to intrude on their time. It had been several months since they had seen her after all. Kagami wished that she had something to say to Marinette. But what was there? She didn’t know this girl from Eve. All she knew was that she simultaneously wanted to never be parted from her yet far away from her at the same time. She craved her attention but almost felt unworthy to be near her at the same time. It was a feeling Kagami was not used to.

Soon it was time for everyone to head home. Adrien offered Kagami a ride back to her house and they got into the car together. “So, what did you think of Marinette? You didn’t really talk to her much I noticed.”

“She’s…” Wonderful. Beautiful. Effervescent. An brilliant white swan among honking muddy geese. “She’s nice. I didn’t want to intrude while you all were catching up with her though.”

“I think you two would get along great. Next time we go out you should talk to her. We can even stop by her parent’s bakery tomorrow. I don’t think we’ve ever taken you before.”

“Bakery?”

“Yeah, the Dupain-Cheng Bakery near my school. It’s a great place to get pastries but it is too tempting to be good for your waist line if you know what I mean. Also, with Marinette gone it just bummed everyone out going in and knowing she wasn’t there. That’ll probably change now that she’s home though.”

They pulled up to Kagami’s house. She got out and wandered inside in a daze. She mindlessly kicked off her shoes at the door and went to her room to think over the evening. When she laid down for bed flashes of pink returned, surrounding a brilliant white smile and soft bluebell eyes.

The next day proved no better for her sudden predicament when Adrien dragged Kagami to the Dupain-Cheng Bakery for the first time. The entire bakery felt like an extension of Marinette. Sweetness and cheer filling every corner and when Marinette popped up behind the register in a cute apron and a handkerchief holding her hair back out of her face Kagami saw that same flurry of pink she had the day before.

“They got you working already?” Adrien joked with her. “You would think they’d give you a day off since you just got home.”

“You really think that? This is one of our busiest times of the year.” Marinette rolled her eyes, “I’d be more concerned if they didn’t drag me down here to help. Speaking of which, what can I get for you two today?”

“What do you recommend?”

“Well, with it being spring time we do have these new cherry love letters.” she pulled a tray of pastries out from the case. It was dough that had been folded to look like a letter with cherry filling stuffed inside and sealed with a little icing heart. “They’ve been going fast so if you want some you’d better grab one now.”

“Sounds delicious, we’ll take two.” Adrien said, clapping his hands together, “Kagami loves cherry desserts, isn’t that right?”

“Yeah…” Kagami mumbled. That tickle in her throat was back.

“A girl after my own heart, personally I like strawberries better but cherries are a very close second.” Marinette packed two of the love letters into a small pink box and handed it to Adrien. “You two have fun and come back again soon.”

“When does your shift end? Maybe we could hang out after.” Adrien suggested.

“I can’t really, I still have a ton of unpacking to do once I’m done helping out down here.”

“We can help you unpack.” the words flew out of Kagami’s mouth. “I mean...it would go faster with some help, wouldn’t it?”

“That’s very sweet of you, Kagami. If you two don’t mind it would be a big help and still give us the chance to hang out. I’m really interested in getting to know you a little more.” Marinette flashed her a smile that made Kagami’s knees weak.

This was ridiculous! How could one girl she barely knew have such a strong hold over her already? It was mind boggling. She practically had her own gravitational pull.

Adrien and Kagami left the bakery to walk around and eat their pastries while they waited for Marinette’s shift to end. Adrien commented on how it was so nice of Kagami to volunteer to help Marinette despite not really knowing her. Yep...just good old Kagami saying stuff before she thinks because she doesn’t know how to handle herself in front of the pretty girl that bathes her world in endless waves of sugar and pink. The cherry love letter in her hand almost seemed to mock her. Why couldn’t they have been regular turnovers? Why did they have to be called love letters of all things?

After a few hours Adrien got a text from Marinette that she was done and the two turned around to head back towards the bakery. Kagami seriously considered pretending to have a sudden appointment or practice to get out of going back which was not like her. She was Kagami Tsurugi for goodness sake! She didn’t run from a challenge! She faced all her problems head on and she did not hesitate for anything. Yet this freaking girl made her want to run and hide like a coward.

They made it back and Adrien lead them through a back door up a flight of stairs to the apartment above the bakery. Marinette greeted them just as cheerfully as she did when they walked into the bakery earlier. Kagami took a deep breath and braced herself as she entered her home. It was a fairly normal little house. Nothing too out of the ordinary. They walked up another set of stairs and through a trapdoor into what was Marinette’s room.

Kagami almost fainted. It wasn’t just that Marinette herself made everything around her look pink and sweet but that was what her entire room looked like. Everything was pink from the walls to the furniture to the wastepaper basket. At least when she was around Marinette the pink faded away into background noise after a while. Here it felt like Kagami was trapped with these weird feeling she had been experiencing since she first met the girl.

“I really appreciate you guys coming over to help, everything is a bit of a mess right now.” She sighed at the clothes tossed over the chaise and spilling out of her luggage. “Oh! Before I forget! Adrien, I got you a little souvenir while I was in Shanghai.” Marinette rifled through her luggage and pulled out a little black kitty plush with a green collar and bell. “Isn’t this just the cutest thing ever? There was a little corner shop near my cousin’s office building that sold hand made plushies and I just had to pick some up.”

“He’s adorable!” Adrien took the kitten with glee, “Thank you!”

“I figured you’d appreciate it since your dad won’t let you have an actual cat. I debated getting you a hamster one but there was only one and I’m sorry to say but I was selfish and wanted to keep her for my self.” She pulled out another plush of a tan and white hamster wearing a little red raincoat and hat. “Isn’t she just the cutest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?”

“I swear I’m gonna cry,” Adrien was not joking, he looked like he was close to real tears, “She’s so cute! Look at her little raincoat!”

“I know!” Marinette turned to Kagami, “I wish I had know that you were around, Kagami, or else I would have brought you a souvenir too.”

“Oh no, that’s fine,” Kagami waved it off, “You couldn’t have known so it really doesn’t matter.”

“Wait, I have just the thing,” Marinette started throwing her clothes around as she dug through more of her luggage and making more of a mess. “Here we are! You can have this!”

“Really, you don’t need to--”

“I insist,” Marinette held up a pink butterfly barrette and clipped it into Kagami’s hair, “I got a lot of free stuff just like it while interning for my cousin. And now we match!” she clipped a similar butterfly barrette into her own hair.

Kagami mumbled her thanks and spent the rest of the afternoon in silence whilst Adrien and Marinette did most of the talking. The three of them went about unpacking and putting stuff away where Marinette told them to. Every now and again they would try to pull Kagami into their conversation but she was finding it increasingly harder to find her tongue in this scenario. At one point Adrien excused himself to use the bathroom leaving the two girls alone.

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Marinette said after Adrien had left. Kagami looked across at her in surprise. Marinette spoke so calmly with a serene and understanding smile, “I get it. My friend Nathaneal was never much of a talker either. I still got to know a lot about him though through other means. Kinda like I’m doing with you. It’s sorta like a fun little game, deciphering someone’s personality from what they do rather than what they say.”

Kagami wasn’t sure what to say so she simply nodded and let Marinette keep talking.

“Like I can tell from the way you fold stuff that you are very neat and organized. You are dressed sharply like you want to impress people but the clothes are well loved so you find them comfortable and wear them more for yourself than you do anyone else. Your hair is short and neatly trimmed meaning you probably get it cut often so it stays salon fresh but also because you can’t stand it when it touches your shoulders. You don’t like distractions or having to worry about maintaining it during long days.” Marinette listed everything off as if it was common knowledge. Kagami could only stare both impressed and a little intimidated by her spot on assessment. She got all of that just from watching her for a couple hours?

“You also hum while you work and you smiled at the silly little souvenirs I brought back.” Marinette continued, “There’s not a whole lot I can gather from that I just thought it was cute.”

“You are a very perceptive person, aren’t you?” Kagami found something to say at long last.

“I like to think so. People express who they are through every little thing that they do and I find that kind of fascinating. When you take the time to watch someone you see all these little things that build up into the person as a whole. Eventually when you look at them you don’t see their face you just see them. Like their entire personality is written into the laugh lines and freckles on their face.”

“I get what you mean.” Kagami said, easing into the conversation the more she spoke, “It’s like how I felt when I met Adrien. When we met he was just the cute blonde boy with big green eyes but as time went on he transformed into this smart yet incredibly naive, pun-spewing dork.”

“That is an accurate summation of his character. Never have I met a boy that gets such immaculate grades but will walk face first into a pole he saw coming.” the girls laughed. When Adrien came back up he asked what was so funny which just made them chuckle more. They waved him off saying it was just a little girl talk and to not worry about it. Kagami loosened up a bit more, she still didn’t talk much but she didn’t feel like fleeing in a rush of nerves either.

When everything was done Adrien and Kagami left. Marinette had given Kagami her number before they had gone and told her to text her soon. Even her little sticky notes were cute. They were shaped like cherry blossoms.

“What did I tell you?” Adrien nudged her as they left, “You and Marinette got along just fine. Then again, it’s hard not to want to be her friend, isn’t it?”

Kagami glanced back at the house. Little fairy lights twinkling in the evening along Marinette’s balcony. She cleared her throat of the tickling feeling that had lodged there. “It surely is,”

---

(Next)

#miraculous ladybug #marigami #kagaminette #marinette dupain cheng #kagami tsurugi #hanahaki disease au

41 notes · View notes

you-cant-spell-subtext-without · 3 years

Text

I’m back on my bullshit and we have GOT TO TALK about 13x08 The Scorpion and the Frog; which serves as a good example of why you should not ONLY watch spn episodes with Cas (partially because of that scene I shamefully blogged about earlier - no I will not link that cursed post here). The episode title comes from a fable in which the villain is the scorpion. Interpretations of this fable note its uniqueness lies in the concept that “the scorpion is irrationally self destructive and fully aware of it.”

To quote the scorpion, buddies - “it’s in my nature.”

Anyway, this episode is subtextually predicated on exploring Dean Winchester’s nature and specifically - his bisexuality, and I’m not only saying that because it opens with Dean in his Bi Colors Plaid (that also he wore on his burger date with Cas).

Let’s get started, after the cut!

Season 13 on its face gives me absolute whiplash because it starts widow arc-reunion-TOMBSTONE and then Jack yeets himself off to Chuck knows where so Cas can go out Looking For Him Because Otherwise He Will Definitely Kiss Dean there is no other option for the writers at this point. Sigh. Here, have another shot of Dean anxiously cleaning his gun as he always does when Cas has Gone Off For Reasons -

Anyway, this feels like a filler episode at first, but as always they bury the ENTIRE damn world in it and I am here with my dossier to Unearth It.

Lets start with Bart (demon of terrible nicknames and microagressions) meeting the brothers at Smile Diner to talk about some spell or whatever.

(I am not thinking about the Cherry Pie meta I AM NOT)

THEY HAVE THE AUDACITY to start with these lines immediately introducing the theme of duality, a thread throughout this episode.

BARTHAMUS

Everything. I've been following your careers a long time. You're a real pain in the pitchfork. And the halo. Natural disrupters. We have that in common, you and I. DEAN

Mm. Yeah, we're twinsies.

***MORE DUALITY! But as we know, Dean does not like Bart because He Is A Freakin’ Demon

DEAN

Well, see, here's the thing. When a demon tells us to jump, we don't ask how high. We just ice their ass.

UMMM excuse me Barting Bacting Boices? What is that sexual gaze?

Then we find out that Bart has 1/2 of the spell. They need the other 1/2. Oh, a spell with two parts, you say? [ I am going to scream :) ]

***Also, Dean eats the pie Bart ordered. I cannot begin to explain to you the state of unwellness that I am in regarding how important this is. DEAN NEVER GETS TO EAT THE PIE, remember? But in This Filler Episode, Dean eats the pie. While Sam looks at him with a very quizzical expression. Pie -> what Dean wants but never actually gets -> Dean actively eating this pie. Dean is coming to terms that maybe he can have what he wants.

***I am reminding you again that this is post widower-arc, post-reunion, and especially post-Tombstone. Anyway-

Now we get to Smash and Grab. Not literally even though I want to Commit Such Conduct at this point. We are introduced to two one off characters named

Smash (human/female presenting) - can crack any safe built by man

and Grab (demon/male presenting)- expert in bypassing supernatural security.

Reaching or no, you can’t disagree that when spn introduces one off characters - it is almost always a Narrative Parallel or Mirror.

So we have a human and a demon (and Dean Winchester, a human who has been a demon)

who are experts in cracking open/bypassing something that has been secured and guarded (breaking down walls, if you will).

They also use fake names identifying them as Tools to be Used ( Dean Winchester, the Michael Sword/daddys blunt little instrument)

BONUS:

Dean himself is literally used as a tool in this episode.

So yeah. Smash and Grab are physical representations of Dean’s duality. Human/Demon. Femininity/Masculinity. Dare we say something else, too?

Anyway, Dean is paired with Smash and Grab; Sam is off to idk negotiate weird artifact purchases lawboy style with Luther Shrike, a man who cannot die so long as he never leaves his house (I cannot even begin to unpack this shit; please just sit there and think about it. I’m not even going there here. I CANNOT DISCUSS Luther Shrike RN).

Speaking of things I cannot discuss without halgdhsag;lsa - Smash has very Specific boots (a look overall, really).

DEAN

Hey, Winona. The '90s called. They'd like their shoes back. SMASH

Shh.

***That’s right girl - do not take his shit; he actually LOVES them and is therefore Overcompensating for it with this little jab.

***Dean’s pop culture references and particular attention to the details here Should Not Be Overlooked. 90s! Winona! Ryder!

ANYWAY, then Dean and Smash bond over a caffeinated beverage -

[While Dean is doing a spell, Smash opens a can of drink, takes a mouthful and burps loudly. ] SMASH

Ahh. DEAN

You're weird.

***This scene makes me literally insane. (even aside from Dean living on something named NERVE DAMAGE as a KID. They could have called it anything. You’re saying this wasn’t a Choice)

She chugs a swallow of the drink and burps. Something stereotypically associated with masculinity. Not feminine. Dean’s reaction is that she is “weird” - because she is not acting in a way stereotypically, J*hn Winchester brain-rot patriarchy bullshit-tily associated with Being Female. But also, says the stupid show, they like the same soda. They are The Same. She shares the soda with Dean. HIS FACE WHEN SHE DOES -

Other similarities are addressed throughout the episode (they are working for demons because they have no choice; they don’t discuss feelings/emotions, they both sold their soul, they both This Thing -

DEAN

You know, we could help you. SMASH

No, you can't. I gotta take care of me.

etc. etc.) Smash is absolutely dean-coded.

****Also it’s textually established that Smash thinks Dean is attractive -

GRAB

[looking at Smash] Oh. You said he was just a pretty face. SMASH

Shh.

***But Grab flirts with him too.

DEAN

I will kill you. GRAB

I bet you say that to all the girls.

***sorry, Grab - you won’t get far with Dean, but only because as he mentioned in the beginning of this episode -

Drowley rights.

Now Dean has to put his hand in the mouth of this stone lion thing and all of a sudden he is acting....very-not-like-Dean.

[Dean looks again and takes a deep breath.] DEAN

I… how about this? What if I cut myself, put it on, like, a little piece of paper? We'll just wad it up and throw it in the mouth, okay? Okay.

***Dean Winchester, who has been to Literal HELL, who has been torn apart by hellhounds, who has battled the devil and angels and God’s sister - all at the expense of his own life is now - afraid of spiders. Well, technically he has always been afraid of spiders, but why isn’t ‘he being performative about it At This Time??

***Come to think of it, this sends me right back to how Jackles was playing Dean in 12x11 Regarding Dean THE episode dissecting Dean’s performative masculinity [one day I will clean up and post that analysis sitting in my drafts like a sad hamster]. That makes sense actually, because -> -> ->

that episode and this one are both written by Meredith Glynn. Girl get in I want to torture you affectionately with a barrage of questions.

So here we have Dean and he’s not performing for Reasons, and he’s scared he’s genuinely scared of putting his hand in this stone lion-gargoyle-pig-creature’s mouth and then -

Smash gives him a push.

She gives him a push. I cannot stop thinking about how she gives him a push. A push to go do this thing that he is scared of; his fear being something he was hiding under his performative masculinity. Smash - dean coded dean mirror who does not perform femininity and is ‘weird’ - she gives him a p u s h.

***linking here for the jackting joices that follow.

Now, let’s circle back to Smash’s story; why she is working for Bart in the first place -

SMASH

You think I wanna be here? Like I have a choice? SAM

You made a deal. SMASH

Wow! You think? SAM

You sold your soul. SMASH

And if I could take it back, I would.

there is no reason for this picture here other than I needed you to see the jackting again

***How does the story end for Smash?

DEAN

Take care of you. [Dean glances down at the box, and then at Smash. She sees that Dean has put a lighter on top of the bones.] BARTHAMUS

Alice, chop chop!

[Bart indicates she should get his bones]. SMASH

Yeah. [She grabs the lighter and sets Bart's bones alight. Bart screams as he bursts into flames. ]

***She accepts help and breaks free from the narrative, literally burning it down. The female presenting but not female-performing “weird” ooc representing a side of Dean breaks FREE because she makes a choice. The lighter Dean drops? It’s a push. And she goes with it.

Alice reclaims her story.

(Also, Grab gets ganked. The male presenting ooc; the performative masculinity side; the demon; the darkness; the not-humanity - gets ganked).

Guess what Dean says to Alice when they say goodbye?

DEAN

Hey, Alice. Stay weird.

[I know the peace sign is probably just a Charlie throwback but I’d still like to say duality. Two. ]

Dean’s not just talking to Alice. He’s talking to himself; because the walls have been breached and for once Dean isn’t as scared of being different. Maybe, just maybe, he’s going along with the push. That’s exactly how the episode ends - with Dean feeling a little more hopeful, a little more at peace; a little more Considering he is capable of not only loving Cas but also not hating himself for it.

[until the knowledge that Mary is still alive and the guilt of allowing himself ANY happy thoughts instead of looking for her miserably rears its ugly head in 13x09 and round and round we go but for NOW at least -> ]

DEAN

I'll drink to that.

(oh look Dean is just wearing his henley. It’s almost as if a layer has been peeled back).

tagging @im-shaking-like-milk and @deanwasalwaysbi for letting me ramble on to them while writing this; and @lilac-void because you are always so kind about my stuff :)

#my spn meta #spn analysis #spn 13x08 #bi!dean #destiel #deancas #hellerism #spn #supernatural #spn fandom #spn family #spn meta

132 notes · View notes