#i just wanna hug her so gently and give her the soft treatment she deserves... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jinxthequeergirl · 4 years

Note

1-20 for Ash since he's your groovy boy.

I'M CRYING THE TERM "YOUR GROOVY BOY" MADE MY HEART MELT TO A PUDDLE (i've had a real shit day this is the only think keeping me sane)

In other news i wasn't sure if you meant like 1 through 20 or like just 1 & 20 so i went with the first option just so i could talk about him more(1 through 19 cause two where pretty much the same) I also made sure to make sure this was as gender natural as possible so

Enjoy

1: Cuddling

Ahakakab

Ok firstly Ash?

Biggest cuddlier ever

He just loves the close contact

Spoon wise

He is the big spoon cause he feels like even when sleeping hes protecting you

He also likes two other ways

A: His head on your chest with your arms around him

Because lets face it he also deserves to feel safe and protected

B: facing you with yout limbs in a tangle

Cause he likes to look at/ admire you

You look so peaceful its one of his favorite sights

2: kissing + Favorite kiss

Ash can be a pretty rough kisser

Almost kinda like a "we might die and or never see eachother again so this is my last chance to do this" type of kiss

Sometimes you have to remind him slow down and that everything is ok and as it should be

When he remembers that hes a very passionate kisser

Like he kisses you slowly but just rough enough to be perfection

She said sighing wistfully

They can also be really playful

He'll dip you while kissing you

But also he peppers kisses all over your face while tickling you

his favorite kisses are french and neck kisses

3: Injured

He likes to make jokes about it

To lighten the mood

Just cause seeing you worried about him breaks his heart

But also to make himself feel better and help to not worry bout it to much

He secretly likes getting injured

You're always so sweet and gentel with him

And you give him special treatments ( ;) ya know what i mean?)

He also pretends he doesn't like it when you kiss his injuries cause its "childish"

But he loves it

When you are injured however its a completely diffrent story

Hes not as calm and collected as you can be

Hes angry, worried and very guilty

You can tell he blames himself because he doesn't crack any jokes like usual and hes always very quiet while he's trying to patch you up

"Kiss me better?" You ask

That makes him smile and he kisses your injuries softly just like you would

You don't blame him and you tell him that much

4:First Date

Ashely J. Williams is not

A fancy man

classy

Or a rich man

He's not one for flashy/fancy dinner dates

Your first date was some sort of take out

In his trailer

You actually really enjoyed it

Only because he made it enjoyable

After dinner the two of you kinda just laied on the floor and talked

Which was weird for ash cause he was more of a

Take someone on a date and get down to bussnies type of guy

But he actually felt connected enough to just sit and chat

5: First kiss

It happens on the hood of the delta on your second date

You where sitting there star gazing

Just talking again and when you looked over you saw him staring at you

"What?"

"Nothing...it's just...your so amazing.."

You only laugh at him

Before suddenly you felt his lips on yours stopping you

That was one of the first and only times hes ever taken his time kissing you

It was one of those gentel kisses that you just melted into

He cupped your cheek with his hand and his other pulled you closer

It was one where when he pulled away you chased after it not wanting it to end

*cheifs kiss* twas perfection

6:Training

Ash really did his best to keep you out of that part of his life

He didn't want any one else he cared about dying on him because of it

He loved you to much

But it came to a point where he decided it was better to be safe then sorry

He taught you how to use the boom stick

And you quickly became pretty handy with it

That along with teaching yourself how to use a series of other tools

Like knifes and axes

He found it really attractive to watch you work like that

7: akward moment

The first really akward moment between you was probably the use of "i love you" too soon

To be fair though everyone thought they where about to die

So when ash blurted "I love you!"

And found that you where still intact

It was slightly uncomfortable in the room for everyone when you responded with

"You've never said that to me before."

And nothing else

Not that you didn't love him back

You where just unprepared for it to happen like that

After avoiding eachother him mainly trying to play it off as if he didn't say that

And acting as if Ash williams never told prople he loved them

Once you finally git fed up enough with it you had to basically yell it back to him

He was very relieved and happy to hear it

8: Fighting

Fights can go one of two ways usually

One being no one gets anywhere ever in the argument

Your both so stuborn

And ash being ash who hates to admit when he's wrong and never owns up to his own actions

Just makes you more angry

Making the argument get heated further

This type of fight usually ends in an angry make out session where your both apologizing like crazy

The other way is again ash being ash

But instead making you cry

This ends the argument pretty quickly because the only thing that can make him own up to any thing is you crying

You tend to use this strategy a lot in order to keep him quite

But sometimes it can really make you cry

He always apologizes right away and pulls you in for a tight hug where he kisses the top of your head

And wipes away your tears

You both actually hate fighting and hate that it ever (though rarely) gets to that point

9:crying

Like I've mentioned before

Ash cannot stand the sight of his baby in pain of any type

Crying is one of the worst things hes ever had to deal with in his life

And hes delt with a lot

His only goal in life is to make sure you are happy, healthy and safe

He's also kinda shit when it comes to dealing with emotions

He won't ask whats wrong right away

Just kinda stand there awkwardly attempting to make you laugh

When and if that doesn't work he'll finally sit down next to you and put a protective arm around you and ask whats wrong

If you don't wanna talk?

Thats ok hes there when you're ready to

Hes not leaving any time soon until your happy again

He'll hold you close to him

Pulling you into his lap to hold you properly

And just lets you cry

When you do tell him whats the matter

Bet your ass that its taken care of right away

Cause anything that makes his perfect partner cry? Dosen't even get the right to exsist anymore

10: sleeping

You better believe ash has nightmares

And feels bad for waking you because of them

But you're very well aware it can be hard for him to sleep

So you are more than happy to stay awake with him for as long as it takes

Even if that means until the sun rises

Or you fall asleep in his lap hes ok with that its the thought that counted

Nights like that are nights when he likes to cuddle you with his head on your chest

You'll kiss his head, smooth his hair

And even sometimes talk or hum to him to calm him down

That usually does the trick of getting him back to sleep for a little while

Sometimes he'll wake up gently and find you peacefully asleep beside him

And he'll kiss your cheek, cover you up and lay back down

Cause knowing your still safe is enough to help him sleep too!

11: bathing/ showering

I don't think ash would get or understand the want and need for a bath

But if you can convince him to take at least one with you

Boom

Thats all he'll ever wanna do

Man has never once in his life had time to sit and relax

But this is something else

To have you with him to

Either sitting across him

Or laying against him makes it Much more enjoyable

Baths are very rare very special occasion things though

Showering is a more often occurance and also a spontaneous thing

And its a plus cause its not Always a sex thing with him

It can be a nice and romantic thing as well

Especially on rough days when he wants to relax in the shower but also talk

Your there to keep him company

12: First time

Honestly the first time was well into your relationship with each other

And it happened in the Delta

It wasn't like rough, extremely passionate or even a serious matter

It was More fun and... vanilla with lots of laughter

It was sweet

The purest form of sex honestly is when you can laugh and or talk during it

And you two being the two people you are

Plus car sex being a horrible idea to begin with

Made it all the funnier but better

I don't think ash ever knew you could actually have like legitamie fun doing it

Just another thing you helped him realize

His heart like seriously skipped a beat hearing you laugh the way you had that night

Yet another reason he knew he loved you

13: soft spot/ weakness

Ash's soft spots include

Tummy

Hips

Neck

Jaw

And that lil spot behind the ear but just under it

Kiss him there and hes Tapped out

Ashes weaknesses are

His partner just in general

If you've been with him this long

He warships you

Definitely an ass/leg guy though

Wear something reveling enough tonshow case both ass and leg

K.o.

14:Pregnancy/ Birth

You wouldn't ever have to worry about ash not wanti g to be a dad or not

So you'd tell him almost right away

Ash is gonna get teary eyed

He'll make some jokes

But he will get watery eyes

And you know how happy new dads get when they find out they are gonna be a dad?

That whole "I'm gonna be a dad!? I'M GONNA BE A DAD!"

Yea 100% ash

Hes lifting you off the floor and spinning you around cheering

About how theres gonna be a lilttle Ash jr. Running around

Hes definitely the kinda guy who likes to talk to the mommy tummy all the time

Bump or not

Everything is suddenly about the baby

Hes always on the look out for baby things

Buys everything

Hes probably the dad who wants to mix the parents names together and name the baby that

Which is kinda gid awful and you tell him that

If its a girl you agree to name her Cheryl after his sister

Which lowkey makes him teary eyes again

You agree to let him pick the boy name though

He jokes about picking names like...idk hulk or something

But you picked a meaningful name he wants to do the same

You can trust him with that much

When the baby is born

He almost refuses to let it go

Hes got that new dad worry/ slash haze

"Where are they taking them?"

"Are they ok!?"

Loses his shit when the baby does grabby hands and holds his prosthetic finger

Hes so proud of his new kick ass family

15:Touching

When ash touches you its usually soft, slow and gentle

No matter what

That’s it

He lets his fingers gently run across your skin

Mainly because 👏he 👏worships👏you👏

And you deserve to be treated like the holy entity he sees you as

He hold your hand firmly though as not to lose you

16 : Undressing:

Its either slowly piece by piece

Taking his time to do so

Or extremely fast

17 what “turns them on” :

ash is horny by nature

do anything around him when hes in the right mood easy enough

but other than that ash likes being in control of situations

makes him feel powerful

so give that man even the slightest bit of power and hes ready

he also finds it supper attractive when you are in charge and calling all the shots

18 domestic life

once everything with deadits is finally over and is at peace

the first thing ash does is marry you

then moves you to Jacksonville Florida likes hes always wanted

then thats where you would have your baby

the both of you get good jobs

send your kid(s) to good schools

all of yours childrens friends love being around ash and hearing him tell stories

19 farewell/ how they say goodbye

he always gives you a good solid kiss

before softly telling you to have a good day and to not miss him to much

hes always extra careful to throw in one last quick peck on the lips or cheek before you leave

#ash williams x reader #ashley williams x reader #evil dead x reader #horror x reader #horror imagine #slasher x reader #slasher imagine

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redstainedsocks · 4 years

Text

Just Kit

Here’s my last piece for @amonthofwhump‘s escape!week, I hit all seven prompts! Yay! This one is “relapse” and it hurts, but recovery whump just be like that sometimes. Set very soon after [this]. Masterlist [Here]

Warnings: box boy universe, pet whump, dehumanizing thoughts, conditioning, trauma recovery whump, past trauma, collars, panic attack, panic response, dis@ssociation, self blame, brief self harm (head banging/wall punching), cigarette mention

Word Count: 2k

Tag List: @haro-whumps, @theycomeinthrees, @whumpthisway, @samanddeaninpanties, @teachunks, @draganies, @pepperonyscience, @whump-it, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog, @untilthepainstarts, @galaxywhump, @kiretto-laorentze, @lonesome--hunter @slaintetowhump @just-a-raccoon-with-wifi

It had been the strangest two days of his life. There had been nothing to do, and he felt rested. He'd watched five movies in two days and the T.V hadn't turned off on a timer, he'd seen the beginning and end, sitting on a soft seat and allowed to fully engage. He'd watched quiz shows and documentaries with Alfie, who liked to learn things and sat with a pen and paper writing down every answer and fact.

There had been chores, cooking and clearing up and laundry, but they had been household affairs filled with chatter and laughter, or at the very least the quiet contemplation of multiple people focusing on their tasks.

There was still a buzzing beneath his skin that told him he should be busy, and useful, and grovelling for the kind treatment he didn’t deserve, but it seemed to make everyone around him uncomfortable when he acted on it, so he was getting better at ignoring it. He was always good at doing what made everyone else happy.

Mateo called him over to sit at the kitchen table on his third afternoon in the house, a large jug of fresh squeezed juice on the worn table, and Mateo rolling the cigarettes that he smoked on the side.

“How are you? You seem calm?” Mateo asked, after pouring him a drink.

“Yes, I am alright, I think.” He bit back the urge to ask if he could, or should, do something. He was learning to believe that they’d ask if they wanted him to.

He wasn’t wrong.

“You’ve settled well.” Mateo threw him a long look. “Sleeping in the bed and joining us for meals and everything… some don’t make it to this point this soon. I’m proud of you.”

He swelled with relief, and something akin to happiness. He’d done well? “I’m trying, I want to be…” he gnawed on his lip. “I want to learn how to be what you say I am.” It seemed the best way to say it without saying he wanted to be good; they all looked worried and frustrated when he said that, no matter how they tried to hide it.

“Well then there's something I'd like to bring up with you. It’s, well it’ll seem like a big thing, and it is. It’s important. But it’s something we insist on, once someone new has found their feet.”

“Okay Mateo.”

The man watched him for several seconds and folded down another cigarette, gently pressing it into place.

“You tell me if this is too soon?”

He nodded, his palms sweaty. What would they ask of him, now they had gained a little bit of his trust?

“This is a no collar household. It can be difficult to see, for the folks who come by and don’t want that reminder, and it’s significant too, means you’re on the right path. If you feel ready, I’d like to take that collar from you, and throw it out.”

Kit went very still, his entire body frozen. Words failed, his thoughts churned, but nothing made it out of his mouth. It was a danger he hadn’t known existed, to be so low in the pecking order that he didn’t even deserve a collar. To be bare necked, with no obvious outward sign of what he was.

“Kit? How does that sound?”

His mouth caught up with his brain in a rush of words that tumbled out before he could hold them back. Tears too, that burned his skin and blurred his eyes. “I'm a good pet! Please! I can be good, please don't take that away from me. Please let me keep being good.” I’ll be so good you won’t even know I’m here, so good I’ll just slip into the background.

He slid from his chair and curled up at Mateo’s feet. Whispering his pleas into the floor under his shoes, dropping his tears onto the cold linoleum.

“Hey, hush now, hush Kit. Up you get.” Strong arms lifted him from the armpits, set him back against the cupboard doors and settled down next to him. He hung his head and clutched his knees, trying to drag oxygen into starved lungs and feed his pounding heart.

“We're not, I promise we’re not taking anything from you. Nothing can change how… how good you've been, how you survived and held it together. You have been amazing. But I want to explain that, now, you don't have to be good anymore, you just get to be.”

Kit looked up with burning eyes and tried to pull himself together. “I’m still good?”

Mateo looked tired, but smiled. “Yes, you’re plenty good enough. Just don’t need a collar to prove that around here.”

“And… it will make you all happy if you don’t have to look at me in it?”

“In a sense… but this is for you, when you’re ready. I thought you might be but…”

“I can do it,” he whispered.

“Only if you’re sure, we can wait, I just want you to think about it.”

But he was already slipping the buckle free, uncurling the worn material from his neck, and holding it out. He sobbed once more over it, and then drifted away. They wanted this from him, he could do nothing but give it.

~ ~ ~ ~

He was panicking, he knew that distantly. Curled up on his knees, forehead pressed to the wall, fists clenched at his sides. This was terror in his body, choking his breath, forcing him into stillness.

But knowing didn’t change it, he was still doing it.

“Hey, thank god, I called you as soon as I found him. He won’t respond to any of us.”

“It’s alright, sorry I took so long to get here, traffic was awful and the bus was late… where is he?” Libby’s voice reached the part of him that battered against the walls of his frozen body, he wanted her, needed her, but couldn’t reach for her.

He was trapped here, meditating, doing what he was always ordered to do before and he couldn’t pull free of it now. Sir demanded it and he’d disobeyed for so long— living with these people who made him misbehave. The longest two weeks of his life, pretending, playing along, being what they wanted, living collarless and treated all wrong. He’d slipped away, lost to autopilot, and no-one had noticed because he smiled just right and moved just so, and that was how it should be.

He was just a thing to be used and a tool to be wielded, he needed a purpose and his purpose here was to act a part in their play. He was failing because his old training didn’t line up, didn’t match the script and it was all crumbling now as he screamed inside his head and clenched his teeth and couldn’t move.

“Hiya Kit, having a bad day?”

He nodded, wouldn’t open his eyes but he nodded.

“Want to talk about it?”

He yelled, a strangled screech that was mostly trapped behind his teeth but devolved into sobbing that he had to open his mouth and let loose. He tapped his forehead hard against the wall to try and ground himself with the pain to make his mouth shut up.

“Are you meditating? Like Emile taught you?”

He cried harder and punched the wall with his fists. But he nodded again.

“That’s alright. I’ll sit with you until you’re done.” She didn't try and move him like the others had, just pushed at his closed fist and laced her fingers through his.

He waited, breathing raggedly and lost in the swirl and eddy of his thoughts—I am a pet, be good, I belong to no-one, to Emile, Emile isn’t here. Belong to Libby? Not good enough, try harder. I’m not a pet, not a pet, not an anything!— until he wore himself out and slumped sideways. His eyes opened on their own, and he looked at her hand cradled in his lap and whined.

“Back with us?” She asked, and her tone was playful when she said: “Missed you.” She squeezed his fingers and he twisted to look sidelong at her.

“Have to be good, I’m sorry.”

“It’s no trouble. You know you don’t need to do that here, right?”

“Sir said he’ll know if I don’t, and I’ve gone too long! Got to make up for it…”

“He’s just a man Kit, he doesn’t know shit about you that he can’t see with his own eyes. And even then, he missed an awful lot.”

“Wanna be good, please tell me how to be good,” he whined.

“You’re doing it, every day that you fight the training, and do what you want, you’re doing the best thing you can.” She tugged on his hand until he slipped off his knees onto his butt, sitting awkwardly as pins and needles surged through his legs. “Tell me what you know about yourself. That’s what meditation was for, right? So tell me your new truths.”

He took a deep breath, and his voice was monotone flat and devoid of feeling when he spoke. “Not wanted, have to please everyone by pretending to be a person, no collar—not good enough for it. Don’t belong to anyone, not trying hard enough.”

Her eyes welled up by the time had had he finished, and she did that strange aborted movement that he was beginning to think was her wanting to hug him but not being sure she should.

“I’m sorry, we’ve all moved too fast for you haven’t we? I forgot how well you pretend to be okay when you’re not. None of those things are true, I don’t think they are, neither does anyone here.”

“I just want to know that I’m doing the right thing, and no-one will say. And I don't know how to be anything else. I don't want to be a person. People are… they're mean, and they're bad and they hurt and they don't care. And… And I’m not allowed to be one of them, but I don’t know if I want to be either.”

“I've seen it with my own eyes, how awful the people who came into that store were. That the people you lived with were. But I'm not like that, am I?”

“No?”

“And the people here aren't like that either, are they?”

He shook his head again.

“There are good people too. And I want you to meet as many of them as possible, as many as it takes for you to learn that not everyone will treat you like you have been treated, and that you can be a person without being like the bad ones.”

“But I don't want this, I want it to be easy. This is so hard.” He slammed his shoulder into the wall again and yelled at how much it hurt.

She put her hand between his body and the wall, gently pulling him closer to her. “I know you don't, right now, and that's okay. There’s no easy way to be who you are now, and I’m so sorry, I hate that this is hard, and that it hurts.”

“I’m supposed to hurt, hurt means someone else is making me better.”

She smiled, and he knew that smile and knew she was about to use his own words against him. “So maybe the person making you better right now, is you.”

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t count!”

“You do if I say you do.” She smiled all soft and sincere. “It hurts because it’s new and scary and strange, it hurts because you’re teaching yourself how to be a person.”

He scowled and picked idly at a notch in the wall.

“How does it sound, just to be you? Can you put aside the idea of becoming… not a pet, not a person, but just you? The you without rules to hem you in, and horrible orders to work under. Just Kit.”

He met her eyes and scowled harder, but he bit this inside of his cheek and nodded. “I can try. I don’t know… what I am without—” he waved at his bare neck.

“Who you are,” she corrected. “And I guess that’s what we need to find out.”

She kissed him on the head and helped him to his feet. He put his palm flat against the wall, thinking. He’d always hated Emile’s meditating, and he’d never wanted to do it, it left him confused and frustrated every time. He tapped the wall twice, rubbed a hand over the space around his throat where his collar would sit and wrinkled his nose in disgust.

If he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want, then what he didn’t want was part of who he was supposed to be trying to become.

“I am… someone who doesn’t like meditating.” The words came haltingly, fighting their way past the mindset of what you want isn’t important.

She grinned at him. “That is an awesome way to start. Hi, Kit-who-doesn’t-like-meditating, it’s very nice to finally meet you.”

#Kit's Story #escapeweek2020 #box boy universe #dehumanization tw #conditioned whumpee #conditioning tw #panic attack whump #panic response #self harm tw #collars #trauma recovery whump #aftermath of trauma #rescued whumpee #escaped whumpee #whumpee and caretaker #box boy whumpee #pet whumpee #pet whump

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nerdy-bookworm-1998 · 4 years

Text

Solving the Mystery of the Secret Valentine

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced!Reader Summary: Two months after Bucky finds out y/n is keeping secrets from him it all comes to a head when the compound is attacked, or is it? Words: 2196 Warnings: Referenced child abuse, referenced torture, violence, angst, fluff. A/N: After all the amazing feedback I received for The Mystery of the Secret Santa, I decided to do a follow-up. This is that follow up. I know I am ridiculously late for Valentine's Day, and I'm very sorry for that. But hopefully this makes up for it. If you liked this please leave feedback/reblogs and consider donating to my Ko-Fi and/or Patreon. If you would like to be tagged in future works please send me an ask.

It had been close to two months since Secret Santa had struck the compound and Bucky had overheard that fateful conversation between his girlfriend and Clint. Neither Bucky nor any of the other Avengers was any closer to finding the answers they sought.

On Valentine's Day, the sun dawned bright with nary a cloud in sight. Bucky had been planning on surprising y/n with a cozy breakfast in bed for just the two of them. However, when he woke to find the other side of the bed empty and cold, signaling that the other occupant had long since left the warm cocoon of blankets. He heaved a sigh and ran his hands through his hair frustratedly before getting up to start his day.

Throughout the compound, the other members of the team were waking to find bouquets of roses and sunflowers, boxes of their favorite chocolates, and small gifs befitting each person and their personalities. Once again they gathered at the kitchen table to try and figure out who their mystery gift-giver could be.

Just as they had decided to look through the security camera feed for the culprit, red emergency lights started flaring and Friday announced that someone was trying to breach the compound's security system.

In the lab, y/n was just finishing up a report when Bucky walked in, looking thoroughly fed up. "Y/N, we need to talk," his tone leaving no room for argument as he takes a seat across from her at the lab table. "I know that you're hiding something from me. Don't even try to deny it, I heard you and Clint talking on Christmas morning and ever since then, you've been distant, and not just from me, from the whole team. What could be so bad that you won't even tell me? I thought you loved me, that you trusted me," Bucky can't help how hurt he sounds, his face looking like a kicked puppy.

The moment she heard the phrase "we need to talk", y/n had stiffened in her chair, afraid that Bucky had somehow found out she was behind the gifts, but upon hearing the rest of his speech, her heart had plummeted to the floor. She quickly gets up from her chair and hurries around the table to take Bucky's hands in hers. "Oh, sweetheart. I do love you, with everything I am, and I trust you with my life," she cooed gently.

"But not with your secrets," the supersoldier scoffs, ripping his hands from her hold and pretending not to see the look of hurt cross her features.

"Bucky, the only reason why I haven't told you is that I've been waiting for the right time, and I know that once I do tell you, you're probably gonna look at me differently and I'm trying prepare my heart for that," she tries to explain as tears build in her eyes.

Before Bucky can answer the doors to the lab slid open and Clint strides in. "Y/N, we need your help. Someone tried to breach the compound, we've got him in interrogation now, but he refuses to talk. We need you to pull the answers from him," Clint speaks hurriedly.

"Clint, no. We talked about this. What about Wanda? Why can't she do it?" she says, her eyes widening in panic as Bucky's eyes narrow in suspicion, the very expression she never wanted to see aimed at her, breaking her heart and causing her throat to clog with unshed tears.

"She's still in Ireland with Vision, she won't be home till the end of the week. We don't have another choice y/n/n, it has to be you," Clint pleads with her.

"Fine, I'll, I'll do it, but only this once," she finally concedes after a moment of deliberation. She looks at Bucky, her expression begging him to understand. "We'll continue this conversation later, I promise to tell you everything you want to know after this," she says softly before following Clint out of the lab. "Do you have a list of questions I can use?" she asks as they step into the elevator.

She sits in one of the interrogation rooms with Steve and Natasha flanking her, the teenager that tried to breach the compound sat across from her and a metal table between them, Tony, Sam, and Bucky are behind the two-way glass, in the observation room. The girl looks to be fifteen, with pale skin and limp blonde hair, dressed in baggy black clothes.

"What's your name?" she thinks towards the girl.

"My name is Genevieve," she answers verbally in a soft voice.

"Why did you try to attack the compound, Genevieve?" she thinks, her mental voice soft but firm.

"I didn't, I was trying to seek refuge but no one will listen to me," Genevieve stutters out, tears filling her eyes and running down her cheeks.

"Trying to seek refuge from who?" y/n asks, her mental voice soothing.

"Hydra," she whispers.

"What did they do to you? Can you show me?" y/n asks cautiously.

Across the table, Genevieve closes her eyes and lets her mind flood with images of men in white lab coats, the red emblem of Hydra embroidered on the lapels, all standing over her with various syringes, scalpels, and other tools. She shows her every bit of torture they had put her young body through, all the surgeries, beatings, and ill-treatment. She shows her how she had finally escaped. The memories end with her sneaking onto a bus bound for New York.

Y/n wrenches her eyes open with a gasp, a blinding headache building and bringing tears to her eyes as the ringing in her ears slowly subsides making her aware of all the screaming going on in the room. She must have fallen from her chair because she was laying on the floor, cradled in someone's arms. The glint of a metal arm and the warm smell of cologne tells her it's Bucky holding her, screaming at Genevieve to tell him what she had done to her before whispering in her ear to come back to him.

Slowly she pushes herself up enough to take in the room. She is indeed sitting on the floor, still cradled in Bucky's arms while Steve, Nat, Tony, and Sam crowd around Genevieve, who looks terrified with tears streaming down her eyes. "Guys...back...off..." she rasps out. "She didn't hurt me..." she promises and they slowly step away, but keep their eyes trained on the girl.

With Bucky's help, y/n slowly stands and walks towards Genevieve. She unlocks the cuffs around her wrists and pulls the younger girl into a warm, firm hug. "You're gonna be okay, you're safe now, no one is going to hurt you ever again, because if they do, they will answer to me, I promise," she whispers in the girl's ear, fully aware that the team could hear her.

"Thank you," Genevieve sobs into her shoulder, clinging as hard as she could in her current state.

After helping Genevieve to the residential wing to get cleaned up, get new clothes and some hot food, as well as grabbing some Tylenol for herself, y/n explains to the team exactly what she had seen. All of them were extremely pissed off, yet not entirely surprised that Hydra would do that to a young girl. They also voted to go take out the entire base as soon as they had an exact location, although they already knew that it was somewhere near New Orleans from the description y/n had given them.

Once the team dispersed to go try and locate the base and Genevieve had gone to her newly allocated room right across from y/n's own to get some well-deserved rest, the poor girl was exhausted, Bucky tugged y/n towards the couches in the common room, tucking her into his side and covering them both with a warm blanket. Y/N gives a soft sigh, snuggling as close to Bucky as possible, already knowing his silence was prompting her to talk. "What do you wanna know?" she asks.

"Whatever you're willing to tell me," he says softly before kissing the top of her head.

She takes a long moment to gather her thoughts before opening her mouth to begin telling her story. "I've been able to read minds for as long as I can remember. I used to get these really intense migraines that would leave me bed-ridden and vomiting for days on end because it was all just too much. Then when I was about ten, Charles Xavier found me. He offered me a place at Xavier's School for Gifted Children. He helped me learn how to control and improve what I can do. Most of the time it's all just a low hum in the back of my head like static on the radio until I choose to tune into a specific person's thoughts. Then I can communicate with them if I choose to, I can hear them as clearly as if they were speaking out loud. I can prod them in a certain direction if you want to call it that.

After I graduated at Xavier's I left the school, I asked the Professor not to tell anyone what I can do, I told him that I wanted to live as normal a life as I can. Then I got the job here, and I met all of you, and I built a life for myself. I'd been working here almost six months when Clint approached me one evening when I was working late and everyone else was either out on missions or had retired to their rooms. He told me he knew what I could do. At first, I was terrified that I had somehow slipped and answered someone's thoughts instead of their words, but then he explained to me that he was always in the vents or perched somewhere high because he sees better from a distance. He told me the tells I have when I'm listening to something others can't hear. He tried convincing me to tell the team, but I refused. When I told him my reasoning, he told me that he understood and he'd respect my decision, but he wasn't going to let it go.

A few months later, Christmas rolled around and I got an idea to use my ability for something good that would bring a little bit of joy to the compound. That's when I started being the compound's Secret Gift-giver. Every holiday, I leave gifts for everyone outside their doors and I never say anything about it because I don't want thanks, seeing the look on everyone's faces when they open the gifts is reward enough."

Bucky is silent for a long time after her speech, then he cautiously asks, "Have you ever read my mind or prodded it in a specific direction?"

This makes her pull back slightly, just enough to see his face. "No Bucky, I've never read it on purpose. And I've never prodded it in a specific direction while you're awake," she says seriously.

"Oh, okay. Wait, what do you mean not while I'm awake?" he asks confused.

"I can feel the general tone of a person's thoughts, even their dreams, so I can feel when you're having nightmares, then I prod your dreams into something more restful and relaxing, not a specific dream, that your subconscious decides for itself, I just set the general tone," she explains while wringing her hands together.

"That's why I've been sleeping so well since I came to the compound?" he asks.

She silently nods, looking down at the hands in her lap. Bucky startles her by pulling her into a soft kiss and enveloping her in his arms. When he pulls away a long time later, he rests his forehead against hers. "Thank you, sweetheart, I love you so much," he whispers.

"You're welcome, love, I love you too," she whispers back.

"I have one last question though," he says seriously as he pulls away completely, going to kneel on one knee before the couch. "Y/N Y/L/N, light of my life and angel of my heart, will you give me the extraordinary honor of loving you every day for the rest of my days? Will you marry me?" he asks as he pulls the ring from his pocket.

Y/N's eyes are filled with tears as she exclaims excitedly, "Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" while he slides the ring onto her finger, it's a perfect fit.

"It used to be my ma's, Stevie got it for me from the Smithsonian when I told him I was gonna ask you," he explains as they both admire how perfectly it fits her hand.

"I love it. And I love you, James Buchannan Barnes," she smiles as she draws him closer for a tender kiss.

"It's about time!" Clint exclaims from the doorway where he and the rest of the team stand with tears in their eyes at their friends finally getting their happily ever after.

Tags

@mcdesij @spiderrrling @arrow-guy @interestedbystanderwrites @murdocksmartinis @gwendelerynan @here2have-fun @bookscoffeeandracoons @bambamwolf87 @loricameback @rockrchick51 @love-nakamura @baebeepeach @timelordy-fangirl2 @jewelofwinter @caramell0w @jewels2876 @ladysergeantbarnes @notawritergettingtherethough @patzammit @fanfictionjunkie1112 @lumar014 @kirstie-evans-writes @robertdowneyhiddleston @lil-lex1 @dragonrosegardens @bookgirlunicorn @shadymidge @kaithezaftig @that-place-called-middle-earth @marshyrebelcloud

#marvel #avengers #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x enhanced!reader #valentine's day #angst #fluff #angst with a fluffy ending #past child abuse #torture #violence

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claraswritings · 5 years

Text

It’s Been a Long Long Time

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader (Steve’s sister)

Warnings: none

requested by: @witch-of-letters

A/N: I am slowly writing again. Apologies for the delay in writing.

You pushed back against the pads Bucky was holding until he was against the wall, before you twisted your leg around his and pushed him to the floor pinning him down, using your legs to restrain him.

“Does that answer your earlier question, your highness,” you grinned at T’Challa who had been watching the whole thing.

“I told you she’d win, brother,” Shuri smirked and you shot her a wink.

The Wakandan King rolled his eyes and handed his sister some coins. “I thought you’d been training White Wolf,” T’Challa raised a brow.

You extended your arm

“Well I am a little out of practice,” Bucky huffed, accepting your hand. “And I’m still trying out the new arm,”

“No excuse, Barnes,” you hauled him to his feet and fixed your ponytail. “I spent seventy years in the ice,” you shot him the same smile you’d been giving him since the forties.

Y/N Rogers was somewhat of a miracle. You’d been hauled into a lab alongside your brother. At first you thought maybe you’d been brought in to pick Steve up after he’d tried to enlist for...what? The seventh time? You admired your brothers bravery and hell, if you could have enlisted maybe you would have...but back then it wasn’t seen as a ‘womans place’ so you got a job in a factory and you hoped you could talk Steve into doing the same.

You’d lost your mother and father and you couldn’t bear losing your brother too.

Imagine your shock when a doctor had explained the experiment. He’d been all set just to try out his radical new serum on Steve but when your older brother had mentioned a sister, the thought of a sibling duo, an experiment on you both, might just be better. You’d been unsure but your brother, ever the determined one, had convinced you. He was desperate to serve his country and who were you to stand in his way. It had been Y/N and Steve as a pair and this would be no different. You agreed to the experiment and never looked back.

That was over seventy years ago. And it still felt like yesterday.

Meanwhile Bucky had been in love with you since then and he was still in love with you now. He remembered how he’d have to get the Rogers siblings out of all kinds of trouble.

He’d wanted you to be his girl but it was never the right time. Back in the 40s, You were his best friends sister and then he’d gotten drafted. Steve had rescued him and you and Bucky had been reunited for a so cruelly short period of time before he’d fallen from the train.

Years later he’d almost killed you, he’d had you in a chokehold on the helicarrier moments before Steve had cracked through HYDRAs doing and only a moment later the helicarrier split. The section you and Steve stood on falling down towards the water.

After he’d escaped and went into hiding, he spent time going to the Smithsonian, he’d read everything he could about his best friend and the girl he loved. Before he’d left for Bucharest, he’d bought a postcard from the gift shop. It was you, smiling proudly in your uniform. He kept it in his notebook as a book mark.

When you’d shown up beside Steve to fight beside him at the airport in Germany, he’d almost done a double take. Bucky was somewhat taken aback that you and Steve had just stood by him and believed him when he’d said he was innocent.

When you, Steve and Bucky had boarded the plane to Siberia, he had a moment to find his words.

“I don’t know if I’m worth all this” His voice was quiet. There was a beat, a moment of silence before you reached over and squeezed his hand.

“Of course you’re worth it Buck, consider it a thank you for the years of getting Steve and I out of all kinda shit,” you gave him a small smile.

To his surprise, you’d stayed in Wakanda with him. You were there when he went under, you were there when he woke up, the first face he saw as he adjusted to the bright lights in Shuris lab. You were there when she trialled the treatment to remove the HYDRA trigger words.

You’d stood beside him, your hand in his as Shuri read the words to him, testing to see if it worked. Bucky scrunched up his eyes, waiting for the moment the Solider would take over and push him out of his own mind...and when it didn’t come, he choked back a relieved sob, picked you up, spinning you around before bear hugging Shuri, much to the younger girls surprise.

You were there with him on the farm as he started the process of re-building his life. Steve would visit time to time and they’d catch up. It was like old times in a new world.

On this particular occasion, Steve visited for the Kings birthday only a few days after you’d beat him in the training session. There were traditional Wakandan celebrations all day and Steve...seeing the way Buckys eyes lingered on you as you danced with the T’Challas girlfriend Nakia, the two of you in bright coloured clothing looking beautiful in the night, decided to voice his thoughts.

“Buck, how do you feel about my sister,”

Bucky pauses for a moment, faltering. He considered brushing it off for a moment before he caught Steve’s eyes. He had the same open, kind expression he’d seen too often in your own eyes. The same eyes that made him feel like there was no judgement. He knew then he had to be honest.

“Steve, I’ve loved your sister since 1940,” Buckys laugh was soft. “I never got the chance to ask her to be my girl. I thought maybe it wasn’t the best idea back then as we’re best friends...then...I was drafted, then everything with HYDRA...now I’m a free man, I can try to be the man she deserves...” Bucky paused “I wanna marry her one day, Steve, I want to make her happy,”

Steve’s eyes drifted over to you, you were now laughing loudly with Nakia as she tried rather unsuccessfully to encourage M’Baku into dancing. You caught his eye, grinned and waved.

When Steve turned back to Bucky, he smiled.

“Buck, you’re the best man I’ve ever known, there’s no man I’d rather have for Y/N,”

Bucky was taken aback ever so slightly. “I mean...with everything that happened...”

Steve interrupted his friend with a hand to his shoulder.

“To her, you’re still the same guy who shipped out in the forties, she doesn’t care what the soldier done, she cares about James Buchanan Barnes,” Steve laughed “You’ve been skirting around it for seventy odd years, Buck, go talk to her,”

Bucky nodded and stood up to approach you. Steve watched him go over to you and held back a chuckle. He’d seen his best friend go to war, rebel against the United Nations and escape HYDRA but even after all that he still looked as nervous as ever asking you.

Steve took note of the way your face lit up at the sight of the brunette man.

He’d known. He’d known since you were both about fifteen that you were mad about Bucky Barnes. You’d been completely in love with him when he was a charming teenager, charming everyone he met. you’d blushed hard at the sight of him in his army uniform, you’d spent sleepless nights over him worrying when you found out he was alive and a captive of your enemies, you’d pretty much been ecstatic when you’d found out his Bucharest location and you’d refused to leave Wakanda without him. Steve had always thought and even hoped you two would couple up. He’d once even made a bet with Mr Patterson, the guy in the flat below him that you and Bucky would get together some day.

A few moments passed, you and Bucky in deep conversation before you leaned in and gently place a kiss on his best friend.

Steve smiled to himself. It had been a long long time...but worth it to see the look of overdue happiness of the faces of his best friend and his sister.

#bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #mcu #marvel x reader #marvel imagine

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phantomofsilence · 5 years

Text

Title : Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Word Count : Honestly who the hell knows?

Warning : Sad Bucky, sad Steve, you can see it from the request.

A/N :

Alright so i already posted this request but Tumblr somehow deleted it. So i had to do it all over again. Well thankfully not the story, i fortunately wrote it in the notes, i learned that lesson the hard way. Anyway along with a story the request itself was deleted. So i think this is how the request went, if it was your request message me if it was wrong. Also i had a really hard time with this request, i don't know why i just wasn't inspired, well probably more tired from college than inspired, but that's why it took so long. I wanted to do it right. Also for anyone else who send me a request i saw it, and i will right it as soon as my obligations allow me some free time. Also i did the P. O. V. thing so don't get confused. Okay, enough rambling, i hope you like it. And also i believe there was a compliment in the request for gif usage, thank you for that. 😘😘😘❤️

Request : Can you do a fic where you and the new agent are getting closer to the point where the team suspects that you are falling out of love with Bucky? (angst to fluff).

Steve's P. O. V.

As soon as he saw her enter the kitchen Chris was out of his seat smothering her in a hug, but Natasha and Steve, hung back and watched with frowns on their faces.

They stayed quiet during their conversation occasionally sipping coffee.

Their stubbornness and Steve's persistence in making sure both him and the team stay out of this complicated and deeply personal situation, rendered them mute, as they stood there cold and stoic, as they sipped on their coffee.

Many would say the intimacy in the embrace, those gentle smiles, and completely unnecessary gazes they were curently being subjected to were highly inappropriate and Steve would have to agree with them.

The more he watched, the more sorry he felt for his friend. But no, Steve wasn't angry at her, he was hurt. How could such a sweet girl be so uncaring? No one deserves this kind of treatment, his friend the least. He's been through so much already, Steve thought you out of all people understood this.

He lost so much, did he have to lose you too?

You were the rock that kept thing moving, a force anyone could fall back on if needed to be. And you want to abandon it all, for this Chris, a man you barely know compared to his friend.

Steve knew he was letting his feelings cloud his judgement, and you haven't really done anything but spent time with a man you claimed was your friend, a man that was your partner. He knew he spent just as much, if not more time with Natasha and she was one of his most valued friends.

Also, Chris seemed like a nice guy, the kind of man if you were still single he'd advise you to go for.

But that's it, you weren't single. In fact you were in a committed relationship with the most important person in his life.

He was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he didn't know what to do. Invade his best friend's privacy or let his best friend be hurt when he could at least cushion the blow.

One more look at the 'lovely couple' and he decided, privacy be damned, his friend deserves honesty at least and he was gonna make sure he got it for him.

"Steve.." a voice trailed off cautiously, he looked over the see Natasha leaning on the counter facing them, with her head turned towards him looking at him.

"I know, Nat." he knew he shouldn't have snapped, it wasn't her fault. She sighed.

"Steve it should be one of us, I know it sucks to hurt him like that, but it's even worse if he caught them, and we knew but didn't tell him."Like always the redhead was right, but he still tried to reason with her.

"But she hasn't done anything yet Natasha, we can't make things up when they didn't happen."

She rolled her eyes at his statement. "Yes, Steve, she hasn't done anything, yet Steve. The key word being yet. Come on, Steve! They've known each other for only two months, and they are joined at the hip. If you think Bucky didn't notice you are mistaken. Dude's been giving her the kicked puppy eyes for days now and she hasn't even noticed choosing to ogle at her new beau. This calls for revenge! "The redhead took a deep breath and said.

" He is your best friend Steve, if the rolls were reversed wouldn't you like him to say something? "

Steve didn't respond, it wasn't necessary, they both knew the answer. Instead of pushing him, Natasha gently squeezed his shoulder and left him in the kitchen to think it over.

An hour later Steve was letting out his anger on a punching bag. The more he thought about it, the more conflicted he got.

This wasn't his relationship but it was his friend. Thou you were his friend too, after Peggy's death you along with Natasha were there for him, hell you've spent the whole day making jokes just to make him forget.

You were like Bucky, the Bucky from before, not just before The Winter Soldier, but before the war. The guy that got him in a lot of trouble and the guy that stood by him and protected him when he took a bite too large to swallow.

The man that took him to many unsuccessful dates, his companion, his family, it's what drew him to you.

You were a sense reality in the world that no longer made sense, a familiar face in a strange place.

Although he wanted to protect his friend, he also felt oddly protective of you. He couldn't betray your trust, but he couldn't betray Bucky either.

Why did this has to be so hard? He thought and punched the punching bag so hard it ripped and fell few feet away.

"What did that punch bag ever do to you?" Said a man Steve was successfully avoiding since this morning.

"Oh, hey Buck. What's up?" he said trying to act nonchalant. "I could ask you the same thing. Why are you avoiding me? Did i do something?" Bucky demanded.

"I'm not avoiding you." Steve mildly shrugged. Glaring at him he got closer almost to his face. "What the hell is going on?"

Steve could hear the anger in his voice, but also hurt, trying to protect him he's the one that ended up hurting him.

"Nothing, Buck." Steve said. "Listen here, punk!

"It's bad enough the love of my life could possible be cheating on me right now, now i can't even trust you!? What the hell man?"

Steve looked at his best friend, his eyes were puffy, tears threatening to spill, but he refused to let them fall, he had dark bags under his eyes, he hasn't been sleeping well, his hands shaking in anger, this was a man already hurt.

"Look i wanted to tell you about her, but I didn't want to betray her either so I've been ignoring you both so i don't hurt anyone. I guess that ship sailed." He said, his friend deserved honestly at least he can get it from him.

"You think she's cheating on me?" asked Bucky. "I don't know, man. I did not see her so anything, from all we know we're just making stuff up."

Steve frowned, even thou he shouldn't do it now, he was defending her. "You're a good friend, Steve. But i didn't ask what you saw, i want a yes or no answer." Bucky said.

"Why do i matter, why are you asking me? If you really wanted to know you'd ask her. But you're asking me because you know i will never give you that answer. So why are you asking me, Buck?" Steve demanded.

Bucky glared at him, before he grabbed his shoulder giving him a smile." You're a punk, kid."Bucky said, paused to inhale and exhale before continuing." It's because i don't really wanna know. I love her, Steve. If fact i love her so much that even thou, she 's literally ripping me in half, my brain is still finding a reason to forgive her. That she loves me and it's all a mistake. I'm pathetic."

Bucky lowered his head, squeezed his shoulder again, let go and turned to leave.

At the door Steve voice halted him in place.

" You're not pathetic. You love her. Knowing you my whole life, you were never soft on a dame like that. I'm sorry it had to be like this."

Without turning around Bucky whispered. "Me too." And left.

Steve could see it bright as day this man was a mess. He had to do something, you might be his friend, and it wasn't his business , but he was about to confront you.

Steve knew you, you were not a coward.

He would get you to tell the truth, perhaps it wasn't too late. You need to be honest and you might even work it out with Bucky.

Taking his phone out of his pocket he texted you to meet him in his room.

Your P. O. V.

After the workout Chris suggested you go to the diner you always go after a successful mission.

"Come on it's been some time since we been there." Snorting at that statement you replied. "We literally went there two days ago."

Groaning Chris whined. "Exactly, too long, come on i know you can practically taste those fries and that strawberry and vanilla milkshake you like. Eh, it will be fun and if i may say so i make great company."

Although the offer was tempting, and you really could taste those fries and that delicious milkshake, you had to go home to your boyfriend.

You missed him so much, and judging by those sad eyes he's been giving you he missed you just as much, if not more.

The missions you were being sent on this past month left little to no time for your relationship, and now having to prepare for an undercover mission of great importance and you weren't allowed to speak about it with anyone according to Maria, you were forced to spend all your free time with Chris.

Well forced was a harsh word, Chris was a great man and an amazing partner, but he wasn't your boyfriend.

"Sorry gotta take a rain check." You mumbled apologetically. Chris smiled and pulled you in for a hug.

"Hey i get it, if i had a hunk like that waiting for me at home, i wouldn't even bother talking to you. Scram, kid." You arched an eyebrow on chuckling. "Is that so? "

"I'd fuck him."

As you were nearing your apartment your phone buzzed. Looking at the screen you saw you had a text from Steve. Opening it read' We need to talk, met me at my place'.

Steve was not the best texter but he never sounded this urgent and formal. If this was about the mission he would have asked meat at The Tower, this was personal.

Something was wrong.

All it took was three knocks to be met with Steve's hard gaze, he stood aside allowing you to come in.

"So we need to talk?Are you breaking up with me Steve?"A light-hearted joke that was meant to brighten the mood was met with a glare. Okay, not the right crowd.

"Listen, i know it's non of my business and you're my friend, but this needs to end. What the hell is going on with you and Chris? "

Steve asked firmly before placing his hands on his belt buckle. You knew that stance, you've seen it a million times, it was meant to frighted and send a message that he met business.

You never thought you's see it being used on you. But you weren't so easily scared.

"You're right, Steve it's non of your business ." You replied defensively. Who was he thinking he could question you?

"You're right, but i don't care. I'm the one who has to watch my friend heartbroken when you leave with Chris, so excuse me if I'm a little protective. Just don't. Own up to it." Steve said.

"Own up to what, Steve? Heartbroken? My Bucky? What the hell is going on?" You demanded. You have done nothing to Bucky. What the hell is he talking about?"You hurt him and..." Steve began but you cut him off. "Hurt him i haven' t even spoken to him!" You piped up.

"Exactly."

Bucky's P. O. V.

Knowing he couldn't stay cupped up in his room with all those thoughts swearing in his head Bucky decided to take a walk, and by walk he meant a run, muttering angry at nothing and panting wildly.

He wasn't sure if he was panting because he was tired from the aggressive run or the work his mind put him through.

He decided the latter.

As if he was cursed to suffer today, he ran into the last person he wanted to see. Chris strolled up to him, a bright smile on his face, as if he wasn't the cause to his misery. Some nerve on this guy!

"Hey, Buck right?" he said to Bucky holding his hand for him to shake. Bucky just looked down at it frown.

"Not a hand shaker? Alright, i get it. I'm getting used on it myself.Also some say it's unhygienic."

What pissed of Bucky even more was that Chris wasn't even fazed by Bucky unfriendly stance. This guy!

"Anyway i just wanted to meet the man my partner won't shut up about. I mean that woman's got you on a pedestal you'd think your shooting rainbow out of your ass."

Keep rubbing salt to an open wound, Bucky though. This dude was something else.

"Look man, i don't really know her for that long, but she's kinda grown on me. She's one heck of a woman. She means a lot to me and... " Bucky cut him of. "I can imagine." He remarked through his teeth.

"No, you really can't, she has been there for me after the war, you know when you get back everyone keeps walking on egg shells around you, it's a strange place, even the bed feels wrong, too soft. But she made me feel human."

Suddenly the anger for the man was gone and all that was left was confusion. Chris was a marine? It would explain his posture.

" She's not afraid to hold me, i thank God or whatever is out there everyday for a friend like her. "

Bucky knew what he was talking about oh to well, she made him fell the same. She was comfort, she was peace, she was his home.

" Why are you telling me all of this? "Bucky asked.

" Because I'm not blind, i know a jealous man when i see one. She holds me because it helps me relax, not because she is in love with me. Don't even try to deny it. I know what it feels to love her, but you know what it feels like to be loved by her. If anyone has the right to be jealous, it's me. Don't screw this up, man. See ya. "

Before Bucky even had the chance to process what Chris had said, he turned and ran the other way.

Walking into your room you felt oddly nervous. You didn't even know it but you've made the man you love, a man in doubt.

He now questioned your love and you did not even notice. Sure you saw a bit of sadness but regarded it as him simply missing you.

Not a man heartbroken and riddled with insecurities. He probably hasn't even slept right and you didn't see it.

There was no reason for your fear, the room was empty, no Bucky in sight. Footsteps in the hallway made you turn around. Walking out of the room you followed the footsteps into the hallway, outside your apartment, down the stairs and only when you were outside did you catch the glimpse of the man of our.

Gathering enough courage you called out Bucky who at the sound of your voice turned and froze.

The tension was high, you could feel it in the air as you stared at one another.

Just as you opened your mouth to speak not even knowing what to say Bucky crossed the distance, grabbed you by the back of your neck and kissed you.

It only took you a second to respond, the kiss was desperate, teeth clashing, tongues fighting for dominance, while hands roamed all over, pulling, squeezing.

Pulling away for air you kept your eyes closed. "Tell me you love me." Pleaded Bucky, making you feel even more guilty.

Opening your eyes your hands sneaked themselves around his neck pulling until your forehead touched his own.

"I'm not sure about a lot of things Bucky. But there is one thing i am sure about and that is that i love you, James Buchanan Barnes, i love you and i always will. I'm sorry i ever made you doubt my love. "

"No, i am the one that's sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you in the first place. I got so stuck in my own head. I'm sorry. I love you so much, doll."

"I love you. Let's just forget about it and agree that from now on we will talk about this things. No holding back. "

"You're right. From now, we talk. But please be patient with me. And do me a favor, will you."

"Anything."

"Don't quit on me. I know it can be hard to be with me sometimes, but I love you as much it is possible for this broken man to love. "

"You're not broken, just bent. And don't act like I'm a walk in the park, i know i can be frustrating. But this is a relationship, we work together, we compromise, we fight, we make love. We don't quit on each other, we fight for us."

"I love you."

"And i love you."

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seouledbysisi · 4 years

Text

Something New

Chapter five

Jaehyun

A few weeks had passed.

Jae had managed not to get himself into any trouble. He also had managed to find himself on Sasha’s bad side. He figured they would’ve saw each other away from school but his parents oddly hadn’t needed a babysitter, and when they did go for food his mom would ask him to watch the kids, he guessed she was trying out this trust thing. It kind of felt good to be treated like her actual child again.

A soft knock landed on his door. He figured it was his mom. He couldn’t fathom why his dad would ever be at his door. He hardly ever spoke to him period.

“Come in.” He spoke and waited for the door to open.

It indeed was his mother.

“I think we should talk.” She told him as she sat at the edge of his bed.

Jaehyun took a deep breath. He knew this day would come but honestly he wasn’t ready. He had been an emotional wreck for years. He was just starting to feel normal again. “About?” He acted clueless.

“About your behavior. I just- I just need to try to understand you.” She told him as she stared into his features.

He rubbed his neck. “I don’t even know where to start-“ he paused trying to gather the words.

“From the beginning maybe?” She offered him a small smile.

“It just felt like no one cared about me. You were always at work. Dad was always working, and I get it parents have to work to take care of their kids but I needed emotional support. I needed to feel loved. From the outside looking in this was the best life for a kid. Rich parents, lavish house but that’s all it was. I got glimpses of your love. I needed more.” His voice broke but he was determined not to cry.

She patted his leg. “I know we weren’t around as much as we should’ve been but-“

“I’m not finished.” He cut her off before she made more excuses. “My breaking point was when I came home and you were out shopping and I walked past my father’s office and his young assistant was in there with him-“

“What you thought you saw wasn’t that!” His mom voiced quickly.

He looked over at her. “She was massaging his shoulders and kissing on his neck! What else would that mean?! I was young but not stupid!”

His mom’s eyes watered. “I’m sorry-“

“The worst part was when you came home. Y’all were arguing. You knew he had been cheating with her, yet you stayed and just took it. I couldn’t imagine why my beautiful mother would allow such a thing. I always viewed you as strong until then.” He looked down at the ground.

She wiped her tears quickly. “I had to be strong and stay thru it. I wanted you to be taken care of. Your father was not the nicest man back then so I stayed for you, Jeffrey. I know you don’t understand that but I did it for you.”

Jae’s eyes were red. “I wish you hadn’t have had to dothat. It killed me to know that you were going through something like that. You deserved real love. That wasn’t it.”

“He’s a changed man now. Jeffrey, he’s better to me now.”

“Oh really? Because I know Max is not your biological son, mom.” He dropped another bomb.

Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

“I was snooping around because things never made any sense to me. I’ve been away for three years but Max is about to be four. You would’ve been pregnant before I got sent to boarding school, before that you tried homeschooling me. You weren’t pregnant. So while y’all were away I needed answers and I found them. His mother is that assistant! What I can’t figure out though is how Max is here full time.”

His mom sniffled. “Your dad paid her off to give him the kid and we raise him as our own.”

Jae’s eyes widened. He stood to his feet and grabbed his denim jacket. He looked around at her. “Am I yours?” He looked like his mother but so much had happened that he needed to be reassured.

“Of course you’re mine. You’re all mine! I raised every single one of you. Don’t disrespect me like that!”

“I’m not trying to. I just didn’t realize how screwed up this entire family is, yet I’ve been labeled as the family fuck up.” He left out and slammed the door behind him.

Sasha

Sasha, Ivy, Johnny, and Brianne all sat together at a local diner in a booth. Their favorite booth. It was in the far corner and rounded. They always sat there. It was too big for just the four of them but maybe one day Sasha and Brianne would have boyfriends and the circle could be completed.

“I’m glad you’re done ignoring us.” Sasha nudged Brianne. She had been giving them the silent treatment for a couple of weeks now.

Bri shrugged. “I can’t control who y’all talk to so...”

“I’m glad you realize that now.” Ivy spoke with a giggle.

Johnny reached over and grabbed Sasha’s chocolate chip cookie dough shake and dipped it. His face scrunched up. “Eww. That is not my thing!”

“I should’ve popped your hand for putting your mouth on my stuff!” Sasha rolled her eyes playfully. “After all I don’t know where your mouth has been.” She laughed out loud.

Ivy gave her an evil glare. “On me and that’s all. You ain’t got nothing to worry about!”

Johnny grabbed her face and kissed her dead smack on the lips.

They were always super touchy but oddly it never bothered Sasha or Brianne.

Johnny eyed her. “I should be talking about where your mouth has been.” He gave her a knowing look.

Brianne looked from Sasha to Johnny. “You got a secret boo?”

Sasha shook her head. “Of course not!” She kicked Johnny under the table.

“Since when do we hide stuff from each other?” Brianne kept picking. She wanted the tea.

“We don’t. I’m not. I don’t have a secret boo, or a boo at all!” She looked past Ivy and noticed a familiar face. “Jaehyun?” She spoke. It was like she was in a trance. He looked a bit upset.

Johnny chuckled. “Yeah exactly!”

“No, Jaehyun is here.” She rolled her eyes.

Ivy turned around in the booth. “Jae! Come over!” She yelled. She didn’t mind being a bit obnoxious and ghetto when needed.

He walked over with his hands in his pockets. “Hey guys. What’s up?”

“Just grabbing a bite to eat. This is kinda our hang out spot.” Ivy revealed to him.

Jae nodded. He looked over at Sasha. “What kind of shake is that?”

“It’s chocolate chip cookie dough.” She answered with a small smile.

Brianne stared out the window.

Johnny scrunched his face up.

“It must not be good?” Jae asked.

Sasha picked the tall glass up and handed it to him. “Try it for yourself. You can grab another straw if-“

He took a sip from HER straw. “Not bad. It’s different.”

Brianne eyed their interaction. She didn’t look super happy.

“Wanna join us?” Sasha boldly asked. “You look like you could use some friends and we’re pretty decent people I guess-“

Ivy smirked. She was shocked that Sasha offered, either way he was going to be staying because she had already had plans to ask him to sit with them.

He smiled and then looked toward Brianne. “Is that okay with you?”

Brianne shrugged. “Why wouldn’t it be?” She spoke dryly.

He squeezed in next to Sasha.

A few moments later the waitress brought his pistachio chocolate shake and his burger and fries. “Wanna try mines?”

“I’m not a huge fan of nuts.” Sasha told him as she stared at the shake. It was an odd color.

“Don’t knock it till you try it.” He laughed as he put a fry in his mouth.

She rolled her eyes and grabbed the shake. It wasn’t bad and it wasn’t good. “It’s tolerable.” She said with a smirk.

He grabbed her knee under the table and squeezed gently. “Thank y’all for being nice to me tonight. I really needed it.”

She stiffened. She wasn’t expecting him to touch her like that but after a while she calmed herself down and laid her hand on top of his. She could feel his aura, something had happened and it had affected him. “No problem.” She spoke softly.

Brianne cleared her throat.

“You’re one of us now, Jae.” Johnny spoke and nodded to him.

Jae smiled. “Feels good to be apart of something good for a change.”

“I’m not ready tonight, Jeffrey but I do think we need to talk.” Brianne blurted.

Jae sighed. “We do. I was just giving you your time.”

Sasha looked over at Brianne. She pulled her into a side hug. “I’m proud of you.” She whispered.

Brianne looked over at her with a slight smile and whispered, “And you’re hiding something from me.”

- Stay tuned

#nct jaehyun #nct yuta #nct taeyong #nct johnny #nct haechan #nct jungwoo #nct 127 #nctzen #czennies #nct doyoung #nct taeil #nct mark #short story #fanfic #fandom #fangirl #fan

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incredibeale-archive · 7 years

Note

Please do one where they are trying to have a baby. And after Aubrey/Chloe finds out that they can't carry a baby or after another failed round of IVF, Beca says she wants to have the baby. It can be Mitchsen, bechloe, or triple treble, I don't care, I just love pregnant Beca ;) thanks! Your stuff is amazing!

It kills Beca to watch them go through this. She can see the toll it’s taking on the both of them, especially Chloe. They’re her best friends and if anyone deserves to have a child, it’s them. Beca can’t imagine anyone better suited to be parents. She wished that her parents had been able to love and care so strongly, maybe then her childhood wouldn’t have been so shitty. That’s why it tears her apart to see them both so broken, when she knows any child would be so fucking lucky to have them.

It’s ultimately what makes her decision. After Chloe had confessed sadly that the last IVF treatment didn’t take and it was discovered that Aubrey’s uterus was just “too hostile” (which of course it would be, Beca thinks, sardonically), Beca had decided that she would do this for them, that she would carry the baby. It was something that Beca had been thinking about for a while, and while Beca had never thought of herself as the motherly type, she knew she would be a pretty cool fucking godmother. And Chloe and Aubrey, she loved them, they were her best friends, she could do this for them. They deserved this, they deserved the best.

–

“What?” “Excuse me?”

Beca winces at the sound of a fork clattering to the plate and the way Aubrey’s face seems to pale a little. Beca clears her throat, suddenly wishing the floor would open up and swallow her whole. She had spent the night trying to think of a way to tell them, to offer. But of course, Beca being the eloquent word-smith she was, simply blurted: “I wanna have your baby.”

The brunette reaches out and practically chugs her wine (how lady-like), before taking a tremulous breath. “That’s not – I mean…” She shakes her head and scratches her forehead. “I meant that – I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I uhm… I’d like to carry your baby.” She can feel heat crawling up her neck and spreading across her face as Chloe and Aubrey stare at her in shock.

When neither of them say anything, Beca swallows thickly and rushes on. “I–I mean, if you want. I just – it’s an option, ya know? I mean, I’m single and healthy and shit. I could totally be your surrogate and like – I can’t bare to watch you guys go through another heartbreak.” She runs a nervous hand through her hair. “You guys deserve this and I just — I want to give it to you.” Her voice goes soft as she glances between the two of them.

“Beca –” Aubrey starts shakily, seeming to sill be trying to process the other’s words. Beca watches as the blonde looks over to Chloe, who is actually crying and fuck… Beca hadn’t wanted to make anyone cry. But then Chloe is smiling this soft, adoring little thing and looking at Beca like she’s just given her the moon.

“Oh, Becs…” Chloe rasps, voice thick with emotion. She looks to Aubrey and reaches out to clasp her hand tightly. “We – we couldn’t ask that of you, as sweet and amazing of you as it is.” Her smile slips a little as she speaks and Beca just wants to hug the redhead, to hug the both of them.

“You didn’t ask. I offered.” Beca says gently, standing to come and sit next to the two of them. “I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t serious, guys.”

And suddenly she’s almost falling as the two of them engulf her in a hug that knocks the wind out of her. She doesn’t complain, though and instead hugs them both back with just as much force, chuckling softly. “I’m not making any promises that my uterus is going to cooperate. It might not even take on the first try, but I’m willing to give it my all.”

–

As it turns out, it does take on the first try. It’s 12 or so days after the first round and Beca is leaning on the kitchen island in Aubrey and Chloe’s house. They’re talking and laughing when suddenly Beca pauses mid-sentence. Her stomach rolls and it’s all she can do to scramble to the bathroom before she’s emptying the contents of her stomach.

She had been in such a rush that she didn’t even close the door. Aubrey and Chloe appear in the doorway, concern coloring their features. “Becs, are you alright?” Chloe kneels behind the brunette and gathers up Beca’s hair, holding it back.

Beca goes to speak but instead she just dry heaves. Sweat beads at the top of her forehead and at the back of her neck and she groans miserably. “No.” She finally rasps out. Aubrey comes kneels down next to Chloe and reaches over her to place a cold wash cloth on the back of Beca’s neck who sighs at the action. “That kind of… came out of nowhere.” She says, finally lifting her face from the toilet and flushing. “I–I’m sorry.”

Aubrey is holding out a small dixie cup filled with water and biting her lip gently. “Beca,” She says softly, watching as Beca takes a few tentative sips. “Have you been feeling sick a lot lately?”

Chloe’s brows furrow slightly as she glances between the two of them.

Beca thinks about it and then shrugs. “I mean, I guess. I’ve been feeling kind of shitty lately, mostly just nauseous but this is the first time I’ve thrown up.”

And then realization seems to dawn on Chloe. Beca watches as her face lights up so bright, she’s pretty sure the redhead could outshine the sun. “Oh my god!”

Beca’s brows furrow as she glances between the two women. “What?” She watches as Aubrey’s lips curve up into the smallest of smiles, like maybe she’s trying hard not to get her hopes up. Chloe looks like she’s going to burst with excitement and at the same time, trying not to cry. “Oh my god, what?” Beca sits up, now, looking between the two women in confusion.

“You’re pregnant!” Chloe squeals, throwing her arms around Beca tightly.

Beca is too stunned to move, eyes wide and blinking. “I–wh-what? I’m pregnant?” She wants to be excited – she is excited but she’s also nervous as fuck. This all just became real, but she thinks that with the way these two women are looking at her, Beca’s pretty sure she could take on anything.

Aubrey bites her lip and looks like she’s trying to control herself. “It could be that she’s just sick, Chlo – let’s – let’s just wait and see, we’ll make an appointment so the doctors can do a blood test.” She says and it kind of breaks Beca’s heart that Aubrey won’t let herself hope.

Chloe just smiles up at Aubrey brightly. “Bree, this is happening.” She says softly, pulling her into her hug with Beca.

–

And happening is was. It becomes exceptionally real after the doctor as squirted the gel onto her still flat stomach, moving the wand around until suddenly not one, but two heartbeats fill the room.

“Looks like it’s going to be twins!” The doctor says as she continues to gently move the wand over Beca’s stomach.

Beca’s own heart rate picks up and she feels the color drain from her face. Her quite whispered, “Oh shit.” is drowned out by Chloe’s excited little squeal and Aubrey’s gasp as they stare at the screen with awe and adoration.

Briefly, Beca can hear the doctor talking but it’s muffled like she’s underwater. Twins? Of course it was. “If you look right here, these two little beans are the babies.” The doctor says, but Beca is too busy staring at the wall behind her, trying to calm herself down. She could do this, she could totally do this. There was no going back, now, anyway.

“Beca,” Aubrey’s voice cuts through Beca’s scrambled thoughts. She turns her panicked eyes to see Aubrey and Chloe looking at her like she’s just announced the second coming of Jesus Christ himself. “Look at the screen.” She says gently, standing to take Beca’‘s hand while Chloe moves to take the other.

Hesitantly, Beca’s eyes drift to the screen and it’s then that she starts to fully register the fast little heartbeats that fill the room like something better than Beca could ever mix. “Oh,” She murmurs gently, tears suddenly springing into her eyes. The initial panic she was feeling seems to melt away as her mouth slowly curves up into a soft, little smile. “You guys are gonna be moms.” She can’t even be embarrassed at the way her voice quivers because both Chloe and Aubrey smile at her so brightly that it makes her heart feel light.

A part of Beca – a part that she refuses to acknowledge – feels saddened and left out. These are not her babies and Aubrey and Chloe are not … well they’re not hers either. Beca is just… renting out her uterus for nine months, rent free, because she was a good friend and an amazing, soon to be godmother. It was for those reasons and those reasons only.

–

The first time she feels a kick, Beca lets out this surprised little squeak of a thing and reaches out for the nearest hand, which happens to be Aubrey’s. “What? Is something wrong?” The blonde asks, panic coloring her features, but Beca just shakes her head and gently places the blonde’s hand on her belly, waiting. It feels like bubbles popping, something light and fluttery but Aubrey feels it and she smiles brightly, calling out for Chloe.

Chloe nearly squeals with delight at the feeling and Beca can’t help but roll her eyes affectionately as she watches the two of them talk to her belly, trying to get them to move more. It’s a bittersweet sight for Beca as her feelings for her two best friends grow (or perhaps surface).

–

As Beca’s belly grows, Aubrey and Chloe insist she stay with them – at least until the twins are born – so that they can take care of her. It’s only fair since she’s basically their walking incubator. Beca ultimately agrees, figuring it gives them a chance to experience it all through her and they don’t have to miss anything.

Aubrey plays the twins classical music and Chloe talks to Beca’s belly in soft, loving tones, telling them all about their mommies and their Beca, and all their crazy aunts (the Bellas). She reads them stories while her fingers trace circles into Beca’s large belly. Aubrey talks to Beca’s belly, too, but it’s mostly at night when everyone is asleep (or so she thinks).

And Beca, Beca plays them some of her mixes, or Radiohead, or The Beatles. Sometimes she’ll even talk to them, but it’s usually when she’s alone.

Chloe and Aubrey are attentive to any and all of Beca’s needs, even going so far as to go out for late night cravings.

–

Her water breaks at 2:30 in the morning when she gets up to get a class of water. Her exclamation of, “Dude! What the fuck!?” Is what wakes Aubrey and Chloe up.

“I can’t, I can’t do it.” Beca sobs, falling back into the hospital bed. She’s pretty sure that she’s being split in half or that she’s trying to shit out a knife. Aubrey and Chloe on either side of her, each holding a hand.

“You’ve got this, Becs.” Chloe says gently, her free hand moving to place a cold rag on the brunette’s forehead to wipe the sweat away. “You’re doing so good.”

Aubrey gives her hand a gentle squeeze. “You’re so close.”

Beca tries to laugh but it comes out as a sob. “You’re lying. I’m not! I can’t do it, Bree. It’s too much.”

“Beca, you’ve gotta push again. Baby A is crowning.” The doctor says gently, but urgently.

Beca bears down again, pain ripping throughout her body. She cries out and her hands tighten around Chloe’s and Aubrey’s like a vice.

“That’s it, Beca. Here come the shoulders.”

“I see a head full of blonde hair.” Chloe cries quietly. “You’ve totes got this.”

Beca grunts, wants to make a joke about Chloe staying up near her head but another wave of pain shoots through her and her teeth clamp down so hard that is echoes in her ears. But seconds later the room is filled with a loud wail. “Baby A is out. It’s a girl.” She briefly hears the doctor say.

Her body slumps tiredly against the bed, feels the way both of her hands are squeezed. “She’s beautiful.” Chloe says through tears into Beca’s ear.

“You’re doing so good, Beca.” Aubrey murmurs, voice thick with emotion.

Beca means to say something but her whole body feels like it’s being ripped apart. And then things start to go fuzzy. “Beca?” That’s Aubrey’s voice.

“We’re losing her. You two need to leave.”

“What’s wrong with her!?” Chloe? nothing’s — nothing’s wrong. She thinks sluggishly. Except black dots are swimming into her vision and then everything goes black.

–

She wakes up to find Chloe gently rubbing her head and Aubrey holding her hand tightly. “S’baby okay?” Beca mumbles, trying to clear her throat.

They both jump in surprise before relief seems to wash over both of them. “He’s fine. You did wonderfully, Beca.” Aubrey says thickly, eyes shiny with un-shed tears.

Chloe’s eyes are red rimmed but she’s smiling softly at Beca and Beca smiles back. “You really scared us, Becs.” Chloe says gently, clearly trying not to cry.

“I’m fine. I just–I need water.” Aubrey complies and moves to the end of the bed to get a cup full of water with a straw. She gently holds it up to the brunette’s dry lips and she takes a few sips. “W-what happened?”

Aubrey seems to pale. “You–you started hemorrhaging. But they got it under control.” She says quietly.

Beca takes this in before she nods. “D-did you see them, yet?” She feels sort of empty now and it’s just now dawning on her that once she’s out of the hospital, she’ll have to go back to her apartment. Alone.

Chloe smiles as she continues to gently rub Beca’s forehead. “Only for a second, but we haven’t held them yet.”

Beca nods softly and looks down. Before anyone can say anything else, a nurse comes in wheeling in a large hospital bassinets. She smiles softly and wheels them right up to the bed. “I have some cuties that would like to meet their parents.” Everyone smiles brightly as they glance down into the bassinet to see two sleeping babies. The nurse checks Beca’s vitals before she leaves.

Beca is pretty sure she’s never felt so much love in her entire life, except for maybe when she’s thinking about Chloe and Aubrey. Her eyes fill with tears but she blinks them back. “Did you guys decide on names?”

“Charlotte and Noah.” Aubrey says lovingly. Beca smiles more as she stares down at them. She watches as Aubrey leans down and gently scoops up Charlotte, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head before she moves to Beca. “Hold out your arms.”

Beca looks momentarily horrified. “I–w-what? What if I drop her?” But she’s holding out her arms anyway as Aubrey gently places her down into Beca’s arms. She stares down at Charlotte and sighs softly. Beca studies her little face and notes the subtle similarities between her and Aubrey (Chloe and Aubrey agreed to use Aubrey’s eggs) and it warms Beca’s heart.

She’s so busy staring at Charlotte, trying to memorize her every feature that she doesn’t notice that Aubrey has picked up Noah and moved to the other side so that she and Chloe can hold him together. “Thank you, Beca.” Aubrey say suddenly, eyes filling up with tears.

Beca smiles something sweet and sad at the same time. “Of course.” She says thickly. “I’d do anything for you guys.”

Chloe is full on crying as she places Noah fully into Aubrey’s arms so that she can wrap her arms around Beca and press a kiss to her cheek. “You have no idea how much we love you.”

Beca’s heart seems to fill and break all at once. “I love you both, too.”

Aubrey comes up beside Chloe, holding Noah closer. “No, you don’t understand, Beca. We’re in love with you.”

Beca blinks owlishly up at them. “Oh.” Oh. And then she starts to cry, much to her embarrassment. “I–I’m in love with you both, too.”

Somewhere down the line it seemed that, they had fallen for each other, or – perhaps with all that had happened, things just sort of – surfaced.

Chloe is smiling so brightly, Beca’s sure her face is going to freeze like that. “Good. You’re not moving back into your apartment, by the way.”

Beca tries to laugh but it turns into a happy sob. “Thank god.”

#triple treble fanfiction #pitch perfect fanfiction #okay so i was supposed to update happy but this thing... this just happened like it had a mind of it's own #i swear i'll try to have a chapter of happy up tm #also i apologize for the length and i'm not really sure i'm satisfied with the ending #might go back and change later #but i hope you enjoy <3 #Anonymous #( pitch perfect tag )#( she makes us better || triple treble ff )

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spilledinkisms · 7 years

Text

lost myself again, and i feel unsafe.

introduction para: roman kaamil “ghost” dawes.

word count: 6405.

so i finally finished this thing! it took me longer than i expected because of some extreme writer’s block and other issues, but i finally was able to get this typed out after so long of having this rolling around in my head. roman’s story is so much more than this and i wish i could write out everything about him for anybody that would wanna read it, but i think this is a pretty good start so far.

@hearmefeelme @nxvxragain

---

flying.

roman feels like he's flying sometimes.

he doesn't exactly knows where it comes from or how it affects him so suddenly or why it comes and goes in small spurts of time and never remains, but he's addicted to the feeling and the thrill it gives him. he's a bolder person, he's a brighter person, he's a happier person - and just the mere thought of it makes his smile grow wide and his heart pound strong, because he's finally able to live how he's supposed to have been all of this time.

he has confidence that comes from nowhere and faith that is unwavering. his stutter lessens with every word he speaks. his head doesn't bow and his shoulders stay squared. his eyes are wide and bright but not from anxiety or worry, but something more... something good.

though he doesn't quite know if anybody else has noticed the change in him, and to roman that is when the test begins.

the kids at school are the first to notice his new demeanor; he gets spoken to more and less pushed around by the other boys, and isn't hiding in the library during lunch period anymore. it’s such a strange sentiment to think that he’s been ignored by everyone for so long but the slightest change in him is noticeable to them, and while it's a feat in itself to be so suddenly accepted and regarded as equal by his peers it takes a while for the normalcy of his school days to sink in.

when his family notices, it's drastic. it takes them much longer to see the change in their son and brother, but roman hadn't expected anything more - they hadn't taken much notice of him before, why would that change now? roman doesn't think too much of it and is surprised at the positivity he receives from the others at his newfound attitude, and it isn't much longer before it's shown outwardly to him.

his mother is radiant. anara looks at him with this expression of happiness and pride when she notices the shift in his confidence and attitude. she seems to be more receptive to him and more understanding, and he's in awe of the nurturing side of her that appears again after so long of being gone from him. the tenderness she so easily gives him is something he rarely gets to experience anymore that he grows overwhelmed at trying to soak it all in on the off chance it goes away.

his father regards him with such a foreign sense of joy that roman doesn't know how to take it at first. adam claps him firmly on his shoulder as he pulls him into a hug, a physicality he doesn't usually dole out to either of his sons but gives it to roman without hesitation. they have actual conversations - ones that aren't lectures or speeches to try and 'perk up' his mood, and ones that aren't him gently chastising the softness that roman usually embodies in hopes that he'll "toughen up" - but something genuine and heartfelt that a father should have with his son, and the connection he once thought was severed between them is soon restored.

nimah plays video games with him one day after her track practice and they spent most of the night laughing and joking in a way they never have before, and when they're both dog-tired at school the next day from their lack of sleep she gives him a goofy grin when they pass each other in the halls. she goes from feeling like a distant relative back to his big sister, to the little girl that he used to trail behind on the playground and sit on her lap during dinner while she snuck him bites of her dessert. it's like meeting an old friend all over again and it's a comfort he hadn't known he was even missing.

sasha goes from being the peacemaker and his one-woman defense squad back to just his little sister. their conversations aren't one-sided run-throughs of roman's emotional state and her playing adolescent therapist, but lighthearted banter about sasha's middle school crushes and her frustrations about playing in the orchestra and the normal issues any 12 year old would have. he can see how at ease and relaxed she feels around him now and he knows it's because of the freedom she has to not worry about him anymore, and if anybody deserved to be a worry-free kid out of any of them it was his baby sister.

all of it is incredible; it makes roman feel like he's actually a part of the family instead of an addition that just doesn't belong - the usual odd one out, but not anymore. the bond he now seems to have with his family in his new ‘normal’ state is distinct and unique, something he hadn’t expected by any means, but even with the most dramatic of changes in the dawes family dynamic nothing is as striking as the shift between roman and maddox.

it's always a difficult thing to explain to someone who isn't a twin what it feels like to have a rift between your biological other half, so nobody fully understood the pain and turmoil roman dealt with on a daily basis with the obvious distance and lack of a relationship he had with maddox. if reuniting with nimah is akin to meeting an old friend and having sasha back makes everything feel right, then having maddox be his brother again is what sends his world back into orbit. his phantom limb has been reattached, the hole in his heart is being mended, he's been out in the middle of the sea with flailing arms and lungs full of salt water only to feel his lifesaver being thrown out to save him - it's a merging and coming together that roman couldn't have even fathomed in his wildest dreams and he'd keep pinching himself to make sure it's all real if maddox hadn't caught on and made him stop.

it starts off with maddox like it does with nimah; a night of video games and junk food and laughter that hasn't been shared in excess in very long, and it doesn't take long before one night turns into three and fades into weekends of holing up in one of their bedrooms with controllers in hand. maddox, unlike the others, starts off small; a pass of their old secret handshake done after their gym class when they go to their next period, a ruffle of his hair and teasing push of his shoulder in passing, and the teasing that borders on harmless and trivial - nothing like the venom he's used to hearing from his brother, and he even finds himself reciprocating the treatment with a newfound ease. things are suddenly so relaxed and casual between them that roman doesn't know how it can get any better - until maddox tugs him into his room to show him the art he's been working on and asks to see some of roman's, and it takes the younger male a moment to steady himself and hold back his tears at the thought of them getting to share something that special with each other again, actually having to wrack his brain to remember the last time their art was shared with each other and the memory escapes him. the way his entire world has been turned upside down in the best way possible has lured roman into a state of hope with an eagerness to do more, to try and show his brother that he's finally going to be the twin that maddox has always hoped for but wasn't able to have.

when it starts to amp up the entire family takes notice and changes accordingly, falling back into the childhood routine of referring to the pair as a unit and treating them as one. roman isn't sure when maddox and roman turned back into "maddox&roman", but roman has never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth - if people were starting to reacquaint themselves to their twindom after wanting that for so long he wasn't going to question it or complain about it. he gets waved to and smiled at by other students, high-fived in the halls by the same guys who used to push him around, and invites to house parties aren't given to him to pass off to his brother - they're for them both and when the pair show up with all of the dawes' flair maddox has made his own, roman can actually feel that half of the eyes staring at them are gazing at him, not for the sake of being maddox's identical sidekick but for them finally being equal.

he wonders how much longer it'll last; if this bravado stemming from a place unknown will one day fade and leave him to his own devices and have him scrambling as things go back to before. he wonders how he'll be able to handle his return to anonymity and being ostracized coupled with the loss of his family all over again when that moment finally comes, but instead of a fade away back into the routine he’s known for so long he gets a punch forward that has him brazen in a way he's never been. he's fearless and elated and invigorated in such a sense that roman almost wonders how he went so long without this feeling, that he's spent so much of his life hiding in the shadows and letting his sensitivities run him ragged when this could've been his life all along. he still doesn't know what to call this sudden revelation or how to explain it to anybody else, or why his change in mood is enough to make people treat him like somebody worth caring about, but as long as it keeps making his life better he figures he won't have to explain it - he can just forget about the past few years of his life and make the best with the gift he’s been given now. he keeps running on 10 on a daily basis without any means of stopping; he accepts more affection from his mother and spends more time with his father, becomes sasha's confidante instead of the other way around and finds himself back in nimah's good graces as her sweetheart baby brother, and he goes from being a nuisance and burden on maddox into his proper other half in a short amount of time. it's a new facet of his life that he doesn't see himself getting rid of and he only wants more of it, wants to continue being the person he's always wanted and the person that everyone deserved to have, and nothing will stop him from achieving that goal.

being on 10 is more than fine, has been perfect for roman so far in this journey of turning his life around for the better. he feels like, during his time of being different, he was operating on a solid 2, but after this new change he was fully convinced that the 10 wavelength he was on was the highest number on the scale he could reach when it came to his new outlook on life.

that is, until it isn't.

a 10 is fine. an 11 isn't noticeable and a 12 barely makes anybody bat an eye. his exuberance is see as his foray into coming out of his shell and he’s cheered on by everyone around him when they see his confidence increase.

when he gets to a 15 he goes to get his nose pierced on a whim and ends up cutting his hair all in the span of a few hours, his family attributes it to his new wild and daring persona and doesn’t question it much, only wanting him to do whatever makes him happy and gives him more freedom after so long of being without it. everyone is convinced that he's alright, simply because roman doesn’t think anything is wrong himself, but when the numbers start to climb into a territory that he’s never before seen and his elevated mood turns him into a person nobody seems to recognize it starts to feel as if maybe this was all too good to be true like he thought.

his actions to stay on his family's good side never end, they're relentless and determined in a way that starts to worry sasha and has nimah becoming more watchful over roman. his parents were always clueless when it came to caring for him how he needs so they keep any concerns or questions to themselves, and maddox sees this unhinged side of roman as just being his brother being adventurous after so long of being afraid, and instead of trying to quell the rebellion he can see brewing behind his brother’s matching eyes he does whatever he can to advance it. they sneak alcohol when nobody's looking and smoke on the back porch late at night, steal their parents' keys and take joyrides when they can and get multiple detention slips for skipping class. the straight A’s start to dwindle and his absences from his art classes don’t go unnoticed, and when phone calls from the principal start to come in about his behavior he’s only told to rein it in a little by his father. chalking it up to ‘boys being boys’ or ‘teenage angst’ as the reasoning for the departure of roman’s usual scholarly manner, adam dawes is able to talk down his wife’s anger at the disobedience of both of her sons – not willing to fail when it comes to raising her children in the stern way she had become accustomed to for so long. all it takes is a few disappointed looks from his mother when report cards come in that has all of the rowdiness that maddox encompasses becoming a sense of calm. he plays around and slacks off more than he’s willing to admit but he’s able to step up when it counts, and with the synergy he’s been experiencing with his brother lately it’s safe to assume that roman will soon follow suit like usual.

it isn’t the first time someone’s assumptions of roman turned out to be wrong, but it’s the time that will stick out in their minds during all moments to come.

defiant isn’t a word anybody would usually attribute to roman, neither insolent or troublesome, but things have changed – roman has changed – and the descriptors never once used by others are slowly seeming to be true. his time at school gets worse; mouthing off at teachers and disrupting classes, soon not even bothering to show up on campus at all. every voicemail left by the principal on their home phone is deleted and the letters sent are trashed, his demeanor becoming one of uncaring and indifference that soon translates into other aspects of his life. he ditches spending time with sasha one evening to hang out with guys from school instead, misses a video game date with nimah to get high with some of the upperclassmen, and at the next party he attends with maddox he doesn’t partake in their usual twin takeover and instead gets so wasted that it takes his brother over an hour to get him home and upstairs in bed without their parents finding out. his actions are enough to kickstart sasha’s worrying and has nimah withdrawing from him more and more in confusion, and it isn’t much longer until his relationship with his parents is back to being nonexistent – with added amounts of tension and anger that weren’t there previously and don’t seem to be going anywhere. i’m fine though – is what he tells himself. i’ve been surviving this long without them being there for me and i’ve been fine. i’m either too much or too little, too quiet or too loud, not enough or more than anybody can handle - i’m never going to be what they want and it doesn’t matter. i don’t need them, i never did – if they don’t want to deal with me anymore then that’s on them, not me. i’ll be fine on my own.

nothing changes or gets any better with his attitude or his tumultuous relationship with the rest of his family and the strain is evident despite how they all do their best to keep things relaxed and civil. it’s not good or promising or healthy by any means, but nothing damaging takes place and everyone is still intact and it’s more than anybody could hope for at this point. as long as everything is some form of manageable then it isn’t something to worry about - that’s the dawes family M.O. - and it wouldn’t be any different until something came along to change that.

it all comes to a head on a friday night.

the beginning of homecoming weekend is monumental in the dawes household for years. their father played football at their high school and always gets caught up in the big game with the other alumni when they see each other again. nimah’s track meets are in the morning and she dances with the cheerleading squad in the evenings, both for her father’s beloved sport and during halftime at maddox’s basketball game, to which the crowd goes crazy when maddox passes off the ball to help make the winning shot in the middle of the fourth quarter. roman is used to watching them in the spotlight and letting them have their time to shine, and isn’t surprised at the looks of pride on his parents’ faces and the admiration in sasha’s eyes, more than familiar with the lack of treatment being shown towards with him not participating in anything of interest during the events. usually he’d be sad, even a little bit jealous at the attention they’re being given, but his mind is too busy being preoccupied of thoughts of the after party that’s already been named ‘the best event of the year’ and how much fun he’s going to be having compared to the other years of being alone. while his family hasn’t been positive lately about his still improved behavior his school mates and friends still welcome the new roman with open arms, and the prospect of attention he’ll willingly be given when he’s around them later in the night is enough to keep his mood uplifted.

by the time the football game ends and the family is back together the eldest kids are already prepared to go their separate ways to go to the homecoming bash, and with only a lax warning of being careful from their father and a firm one to stay out of trouble from their mother they’re off to get on the road and start the rest of their night, lines of people waiting to get in and music already spilling out from the house when they arrive. it’s a blur of dimmed lights, moving bodies, and loud voices that draws them in almost immediately once they step inside and are off to join in with their different groups of friends. roman gets a beer passed to him in the first ten minutes of being there and downs it in record time, soon being pulled onto the dance floor when the beat kicks up. he’s all smiles when he finds himself between the throngs of people and sees maddox and nimah already starting to converge onto the crowded dance floor, the three of them finding each other through the masses and falling into the rhythm that bounces around them.

for that moment all of their recent issues are pushed to the side in favor of having fun, and a little hint of their bond reappears in front of their eyes. to roman, it feels like how things were between them at the beginning of his change – even brings up memories of them as children and how close they all used to be before they started to grow up and branch out on their own while roman’s timidity kept him lagging behind, and how he doesn’t have to worry about that lost time anymore. he’s with his identical better half and his oldest best friend having the time of their lives and he’s better than ever, no longer the black sheep or odd man out that’s become the role he’s used to playing, he’s one of the stars of the show now – and he doesn’t plan on having that change any time soon.

they get through two more dances before they’re back mingling with their groups of friends, the energy of the party only increasing with every song change and more people crowding the dance floor, and with the added amount of alcohol being passed around it’s only a matter of time before the night starts getting out of control. the first beer roman has barely does anything to him, but when that one turns into three and shots are being slid his way and the blunt between his lips is laced with something different it becomes more than obvious that roman’s state of mind is completely off kilter. the atmosphere of the party seems to shift with him and before long the usual rowdiness that’s become the norm of these events is amplified times ten. the music grows louder, the alcohol seems to flow endlessly, the energy beating through the room hits him and takes him somewhere else, and with everything in his system and more being put in he’s in a haze almost immediately, not giving any mind to anything or anybody around him.

like she has a sixth sense of knowing that something’s wrong with him, it doesn’t take long before nimah goes looking for him and finds him through the crowd again, only this time she’s filled with worry at seeing the state he’s in and knowing she has to take care of it. she has a moment of fear at the anger her parents will unleash on them for letting roman underage drink and smoke until he’s this out of sorts, but she figures the quicker she can get him home safe the less time he’s inebriated in public and unable to get caught up in anymore trouble. she wraps his arm around her shoulder and grabs him by the waist to lead him past the people, his ‘friends’ letting her take him without a fight as the pair both stumble through the crowd until they find the door, the sudden cool air of the outside and lack of music bumping around them making roman more alert to the situation at hand. head lolling onto nimah’s shoulder as he starts to perk back up it’s a quick scramble as he tries to get out of her arms and back into the party, barely making it three steps before she’s pulling him back by his jacket sleeve to keep him in her grip.

dealing with drunk maddox is easy - he’s a simple creature who only gets tired and quiet and easy to coerce back home, but drunk roman is another beast entirely that nimah’s never seen before and doesn’t know how to handle, especially in her less than sober state as well. he’s easily agitated and argumentative, snapping at her and shakily pushing her away to try and return back to the perfect night out he was having, and the steeled gaze she gives him along with the stern shake of her head only further sets him off. his voice grows in volume and his words turn harsh as their quick push-and-pull turns into a complete blow up, with her trading screams with him and letting her anger get the better of her when he refuses to listen, and their attitudes clash heavily in the moment until it’s a chest to chest shouting match on the front lawn of this house - slurred words releasing frustration that has built up long before this party even happened.

it’s a battle of ‘why are you acting this way?’ countered with ‘why aren’t you happy that i finally fit in?’ shouts of ‘this isn’t you and you know it’ and ‘you don’t even know who i am in the first place, so don’t tell me what you think you know.’ and sentiments hurled at each other like ‘why can’t you just be fucking normal for once?’ to ‘why can’t you and our fucking family love me whether i’m normal or not?’

the shouting match turns hostile when roman manages to push nimah away from him, shoving her when she grips his jacket again to lead him away from the party, and in his haste it’s enough to make her fall back on the grass in shock. he’s sobering up almost immediately, hand he used to push her now outstretched to help her up to her feet while apologies are steadily leaving his lips, only to be pushed back roughly and kept separated from her by a livid looking maddox. having noticed their exit to the party he followed behind them but managed to keep his distance until they started arguing, and now with him getting physical with nimah is enough to start a whole new round of fighting with himself and maddox.

if the shouting match with him and nimah was intense, then the one that breaks out with his brother is brutal; they’re loud enough that the few outside stragglers at the party make themselves scarce and head back inside, not wanting to get involved with the insults being traded back and forth. nimah is up on her feet in an instant and tries to stand between them, leaning against maddox’s chest and facing off with roman herself - eyes full of anger and frustration and fear - like she’s trying to protect maddox from him, and the implication that he’s suddenly the one that’s dangerous between the two of them sets him off like none other. fire spits from his tongue as he lashes out viciously at the pair, anger directed at them, at their parents, at the way he’s been regarded for most of his life by the people around him without any thought or care about his feelings, and he lets everything out. in retrospect roman’s heard of stories like this, of people going years with holding him harmful emotions that have plagued them to the point of snapping, and in the few moments he thought if he would be one of those people one day he never thought his breaking point would come while drunk off his ass on the outside of a homecoming house party, but there was so much hurt that was unearthed from him that there was no way to have any semblance of control when it came to his pain.

by the time there’s nothing left for him to say and he’s left heaving and breathless before the pair, he barely has time to steady himself before maddox is sidestepping around nimah’s frame and throwing a punch in his direction, hitting roman square in the jaw with zero hesitation. the heat in his gaze is matched only by the matching look that roman throws his way, face scrunched up in searing pain and rampant anger as his own fist collides with maddox’s face in retaliation, the sound of his heartbeat in his ears muffling the sound of the punch connecting and nimah’s pleads with them to stop. it’s another shove and hit and shuffle before they’re on the ground brawling, maddox having roman pinned as he lays hit after hit onto his brother only until roman gains the upper hand, both of them going back and forth between advancing on the other until the fight is broken up, both of them being lifted and set apart by a pair of their friends. when they’re actually set down and roman is able to take a look around him, he stops dead in his tracks. it went from just being the three of them to soon being a small crowd outside of the house, all of them watching the show before them with curious, judging eyes as the fight was broken up, and he can only manage a few moments of their staring before he’s rushing past the crowd and his siblings, leaving the aftermath of the commotion he’s caused far behind him.

roman wakes up the next morning in bed to a silent house. vague memories of his friends finding him after he ran off and helping him get home flashing through his head while nimah and maddox left him alone. when he finds that his head finally stops swimming he’s able to take in his aching body and how bruised up he feels, thinking of the fight from the night before and knowing that regardless of how many hits he might’ve got in on maddox, he’s definitely more banged up than his brother. he already decides that he’s not leaving the bed for the rest of the day before he even tries to move, still feeling like he’s in a daze after everything that went on mere hours ago.

his eyes blur with tears and his chest heaves with heavy sobs as he curls under his blankets, nothing but guilt and anger and frustration being released from him in waves. roman has always been emotionally based - tended to feel more than everyone else around him did - but it was as if all of his feelings decided to come out all at once and left him feeling broken and distraught, his heart aching at the maelstrom he’s caught in the middle of.

the tears are an off and on constant for most of the day; when they aren’t falling he’s staring off into space and being comforted by the quiet. he can hear when his family wakes up and moves about the house all around him, but nobody bothers to come check on him even with hours of his absence being known, leaving him to his own devices like they usually tended to. he doesn’t move much from his spot and doesn’t have the stomach to bother getting anything to eat, chalking it up to the hangover more than anything else, and it’s not long before it creeps into the evening hours and he hasn’t moved from his spot.

when someone finally musters up the energy to go and check on him it’s no surprise that it’s sasha who’s there. all wide brown eyes full of concern with a plate of food in her hands, gaze raking over his frame and trying to conceal her worry when she sees how bruised he is. every question she goes to ask him is unanswered, he barely spares her a look in the eye, and when she sets the food down for him and he makes no move to eat it she can tell that something more than the usual is wrong - but all she does instead is gives him a quick hug and urges him to get some food in his system before she’s gone again.

she comes back in the morning with a new plate of food and the same worried expression on her features, them only becoming morose at the sight of his untouched food and him being in the same spot. she’s seen roman go through sad spells before, knows of his depression and how bad it can get sometimes, but the vacant looks in his eyes and the lack of any emotional at all was something she had never seen from her brother and immediately had her on edge. she doesn’t keep her worries to herself this time, telling her parents almost immediately and trying to do the same with nimah and maddox to see if they can help. maddox is a lost cause, not unlike how he was with his twin before this change in him, but even in her anger nimah follows behind sasha to go check on him, heart twisting at the confirmation before her.

she tries talking to him, saying anything she can just to get him to react, to even look at her for a moment, but it doesn’t take her long to realize that roman’s not mentally there - he’s deep in his mind and isn’t coming out, left immobile and in a stupor from his own emotional state. not even her pre-med studying needed to tell her what this is, she could see it plain as day.

catatonia, she thinks to herself, catatonic. complete shutdown. numb. gone.

that’s when everything turns upside down.

flying.

roman still feels like he’s flying sometimes.

that he’s lighter than air and unstoppable, confident and bolder than he’s ever been, invincible - like nothing could ever take this feeling away from him, that it’s a high he’ll never come down from.

he always comes down, though. he’s never up in the air for too long.

because just as easily as he can fly he can crash and burn, his wings can disappear and leave him spiraling back down to earth headfirst, his confidence wanes as fast as his invincibility does and leaves him a shell of himself without any way to find his way back.

he’s either soaring past clouds or left broken on the pavement below him, one extreme to the other without any pattern of when his tides will change until they just do.

roman flashes back to the night of the fight he had with his siblings, remembers the words yelled at him by maddox in the heat of his anger as he wailed on him; freak. psycho. crazy. bipolar.

his brother is smarter than roman gives him credit for, because maddox figured it out before anybody else did.

after nimah saw him so unresponsive and out of it she and sasha got their parents involved, with their mother being confused and their father being worried but it was more than enough for them to take him to the hospital, almost immediately being transferred to a mental health ward to be observed.

he doesn’t remember much about waking up out of his daze, or the tests they ran or the medicine they tried to would work with him, or the weeks of him being kept in the ward until he was stable - all he really remembers is the hospital’s therapist giving him her diagnosis.

bipolar disorder. manic depressive disorder. a mix of his exuberant highs and overwhelming, numbing lows.

it’s a strange feeling to have something that’s been a part of you for so long called out by name, an aspect of your personality that plagued you on a daily basis little by little until it ran rampant inside of you until you couldn’t control it anymore. to know that there was a reason for you being different, but having the confirmation that you’re not the same as the people around you and it makes you feel more ostracized than you did before. it wasn’t just a personality trait, it’s an illness that’s been ingrained in him since he was young with nothing to be done about it, and it finally puts together so many missing pieces he’s been in search of for a long time.

medication is his saving grace; keeps him neutral and stable, in a safe place where he doesn’t have to delve into the extremes of his highs and lows, and with therapy he’s able to release his emotions in a way that’s healthy without setting him back, and it’s the first coping mechanism he’s ever had that truly works for him.

his time in the spotlight with his family and classmates fades away in time. his mother goes back to her distance nature with him and his father’s ambivalence is back in place, almost as if nothing happened in the first place.

he’s made amends with nimah to where they get along more and spend time together, a change he’s surprised that took place but is appreciative that she still cares about him.

sasha is still his partner in crime but not much like before. he stops making her his confidant and lets her be his little sister without any dealings too far into his illness - he wants her to stay a kid for as long as she can, because he lost so much of that innocence before he was ready to.

maddox, though - it’s a slippery slope that he travels with his twin brother. the divide between them is as vast as it’s ever been and roman is resigned to knowing that it’ll never be bridged again. too much bad blood has been traded back and forth for them to be okay again, so much anger and resentment among other things are too much for them to mend what’s been broken. he’s had time to grow used to being without his brother being in his life when it really counts, so he’s left with the memories of their brief time together getting along and having to be satisfied with just that.

he’s back to being invisible and unnoticed in school by his peers, but with a lack of him being picked on makes that solitude worth it. it’s not perfect by any means, it’s not anything he wants, but it’s more than enough.

it’s a daily battle to keep himself from slipping back into his ways, from him feeling stable enough to think he no longer needs his meds and going off track with them, but he’s managed to take all of the strength he has to make sure that he keeps himself functioning the way he should and to keep fighting to not let his illness win.

he doesn’t want this one thing to define his life or who he is, and despite the people who attribute the disorder with him he wants to be able to show everyone how much more he is than just this one part of him. roman isn’t in over his head, he knows just how long this journey is going to be for him and doesn’t mind the path he has to take to get there - he just wants to take everything one day at a time.

it’s not ascending flight, or a nosedive toward the ground.

it’s step by step, inch by inch, moment by moment, breath by breath.

it’s something good.

and to roman, this is when his real test begins.

#( ` &. MUSINGS | GHOST. )#not even sure if this is even good or not but here it is #i just want to do an entire character study on roman and go even deeper into his background than this goes because he's so complex #but here's a little glimpse of rome in his beginning stages just to start #tw; mentall illness #tw; mentions of violence

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whatif-animagineblog · 7 years

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Prompt: A McKirk where Jim gets Len to go back to theater after having been away for so long from the bad memories. @yourtropegirl @gracieminabox , I know others were involved in the conversation about this, but I can’t find the actual thread.

Warnings: mild language. Fluff and stuff!

Pairing: Kirk/Bones

A/N: First McKirk. The only prompt I had with kirk that was close to being done. So Happy Birthday Jim Kirk! This was a lot of fun, I’m fairly happy with it!

Word Count: 1620

McCoy looked up when he heard a familiar knock on his door frame. Jim was there smiling hands behind his back. “What do you need?” Jim just smiled as he approached the man behind the desk. Gently he placed a kiss on the top of his head.

“Are you almost done with the last round of evaluations,” Jim asked moving to kiss the other’s cheek. Leonard nodded, turning his head towards Jim, eyes still on the screen as he let him place his lips on his own. “Great because I have a great plan for us tomorrow. This base has a theater! Like an honest to goodness theater!” Jim whipped out his hands holding two tickets in is hand. “Aida! Box seats!”

Bones visibly stiffened, “Who you taking?” Jim’s arm fell as he sat on the desk trying to get a read on his boyfriend.

“You, of course, it’s supposed to be out three-year anniversary gift and a pseudo happy birthday to me, since we’ll be in the middle of space next month.”

“I don’t want to go,” his voice was blunt, and barely left room for discussion. Bones looked down avoiding any eye contact.

“But you like classical music, like concertos and stuff, basically the same but with singing. Come on, babe. We haven’t had a date night in weeks.” Jim started sounding wounded and Len couldn’t stand that. “Bones,” he called softly, causing the older man to look up. “Why don’t you want to go?”

“I just don’t, Jim. Drop it.” Bones slammed a hand on the table, but Jim was no longer phased by his bouts of anger. He was a brave, reckless man, so he continued to press the subject.

“No, You got all tight all of a sudden, and you are being way shorter with me than normal. Talk to me. Why don’t you wanna go? You’ll love it.”

“Because she’s there Jim. She’s there.” Jim sighed as he saw tears building up in Len’s eyes. “Dammit,” the doctor cursed pressing from his chair and walking a short distance away.

“Jocelyn.” Jim’s face contorted as the sour name fell from his lips.

“We went all the time in the beginning. She loved it, I loved it. It was wonderful. I loved musicals, opera, ballet, all of it. Every note, every choreographed move. But once things got bad,” Bones looked back to the Captain as he stood. “It just has a bad taste, like everything else she touched.”

Jim enveloped the other man into a tight hug. Pressing kisses into the side of the stubbly chin. “That’s okay. Alright, but,” Leonard groaned about how he hated buts. “But, let me treat you to the theater. You deserve to love it again. You can’t keep letting her take the things you love away.” Jim pulled away moving to hold Leonard’s hands. “You just need the right person holding your hand again. And not to brag, but I’m really good at holding these legendary hands.” Jim whispered kissing the tops of each of hand. Bones fought back a faint blush, trying to still look upset.

“Jim, I just don’t know. It’s going to bring back bad memories and,” Bones trailed. “I just don’t want to….What if I cry? Just the thought of entering another theater makes me feel sick”

“Have you seen Aida? You’ll match half the crowd.”

The pair was quiet for a long while as bones weighed his options. “Alright, I’ll go. For you.”

Jim straightened his bowtie one last time, moving a hand to smooth his jacket. Bones smiled as he watched him. He always did look good in a tuxedo. Jim turned to meet the gaze of his lover, “There’s my handsome guy,” Jim chimed putting out his hand.

“You just look good in anything, huh,” Bones took the awaiting hand and smiled as Jim started leading him out of the barracks. The walk was short, and Bones stopped outside of the theater. Jim looked worried because Bones was frozen in his spot.

“Bones,” Jim mumbled.

“I can do it.”

As they walked inside Jim could feel his partner tense even more. Jim had to distract him, had to make this place a safe one again. “Bones,” Jim spoke pointing off to a chandelier. “They brought that all the way from Earth. It’s been around since like the 1700’s! They converted to the electric light when electricity was first discovered.” Leonard smiled as Jim pointing off to another part of the theater, just talking. That was a talent of his. Chattering away, all to make Leonard feel safe again. He just stared at his Captain, a warm smile on his face as Jim’s words just washed over him, not really paying attention. Just enjoying the lengths he was going to for him.

A man walked up to the pair, must’ve been the manager or someone important because he went for Jim’s hand shaking it.

“Captain Kirk! A pleasure to see you and your date. So glad you could make it!” The man turned to Leonard reaching for his hand as well. “And you must be Doctor McCoy. I’ll show you two to your seats. Would you care for champagne?”

“Sure,” Jim chimed as they followed the man and Leonard looked at him skeptically. “Captain treatment on top Starfleet privileges. I’m milking it a bit.” Jim hushed kissing Bones cheek.

Leonard was sitting stiffly in his seat, adjusting his collar over and over. Just fidgeting. Jim just held his hand, lifting it to his lips, giving it soft kisses now and again. He wanted to say so much to help ease his troubled mind. He knew better, though. Leonard McCoy, though the love of his life, kept emotions to himself. Nothing he would say, would help and only embarrassed him.

But, Jim heard the audible gasp when the soft notes of the overture began. Bones grip tightened as the music swelled, filling the full auditorium. His eyes watched the bowstrings with such a fierce intensity that Jim thought for a moment he could be performing a surgery.

James didn’t watch the opera, he watched Leonard the entire time. He listened to him go on and on about the performance during intermission. All James could do was smile, and listen as he enthused. It was magical. It was absolutely magical to watch Bones unfurl into this man of the arts. Jim had gotten the pleasure to see Bones come out of his shell after some monster of a woman stomped on his heart and tossed him to the curb. Then he got the pleasure to call Leonard is own.

As they walked home hand in hand, Len still going on about the opera. Then they fell silent.

“Thank you for tonight.”

“It was my pleasure, I’m glad you had a good time,” Jim murmured back.

“No, thank you. I mean it. I would have never of stepped back into a theater without you. I had honestly lost myself nearly four years ago. And I think I owe you a lot. I owe you for helping me find me again.” Len felt tears in his eyes, he turned his head away, placing a hand over his eyes. Jim gently removed the hand, holding it tightly. “How do you always pull emotion outta me, Jim?”

“Thank you, for letting me have that opportunity,” Jim mumbled pulling the other man into a deep kiss. Jim pulled back, “Can I walk you home?”

Leonard laughed and pushed the blond off of him, “We’ve lived in the same room for almost two years.”

“Then you walk me home. Maybe I’ll give you your own personal show of Don Giovanni,” whispered, bringing himself really close to Leonard, whispering into his ear.

“Isn’t that the guy that fucks everything that walks then gets pulled into the pits of hell in the finale?” Jim pulled back just enough to look into Leonard’s eyes. Grinning, laughing a little as he pecked his lips.

“Yes, but let’s do a rewrite. One lover and one long life of life and togetherness. No abandonment. No string of lovers, no getting pulled into the pits of hell.”

“What are you even,” Bones began to laugh, then it caught in his throat as he watched Jim drop down. “Jim.” James smiled as he reached into his tuxedo jacket. Fishing out a small black box. Bones began to shake his head in disbelief.

“Leonard Horatio McCoy. We met each other at the bottom. I had a black eye.”

“And a busted nose,” Leonard laughed tears once again in his eyes. Happy ones.

“And all you had left was your bones. But, after some tough work, some near death experiences, and having each other, I think we’ve managed to pull ourselves together pretty well. I wouldn’t nearly be the man I am without you.” Bones couldn’t believe it. He always wondered what Jocelyn felt when he proposed. Now he knew. Disbelief, overwhelming love, it was amazing. “I love you more than anything. And...and..,” Jim was at a loss for words. Usually confident, charming, and swaggering, now he was blushing, nervous, stumbling over something that he had clearly rehearsed.

“Yes,” Bones croaked out. He reached down and helped Jim to his feet, pulling him into a tight hug. “Yes. My God yes.” Jim held on tightly, pressing his face into the other man’s shoulder, crying. “Jesus, Jim.” Kirk pulled back slipping the solid band on Leonard’s hand.

“I love you,” Jim whispered once more, pressing his lips on the other man’s.

“So, is that private performance an open invitation?”

Jim chuckled in his ear, sending a wave of shivers down Len’s spine. “If you're lucky you might even get an encore.”

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