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knickknacksandallthat · 6 months

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if you don't mind me asking, what got you into kevin's character?

for me it was actually your fic, but since its so normalized in the fandom to dismiss his trauma and call him a coward and annoying for doing things that other characters are loved for, i didn't really care about him when i first read the books

now hes my favorite

Oh, anon, I love this!! What an honor, I’m so glad to have helped you join the Kev lovefest 😊 (Welcome to the dark side lol!) It makes me so happy that the A Fallen Star series has awakened this in you! 💖

And wow, what a good question. I don't mind at all! I actually had to think about this for a while to try and remember…how the heck did I get here???

So here is my ridiculously uncalled-for POV on Kevin’s character and slow descent into madness below:

(Disclaimer that these are just my thoughts and anyone in the aftg fandom can hc or think whatever they like about Mr. Day 😊)

Like you, anon, I was easily swayed by Neil’s perspective of Kev on first read. It makes sense and is a credit to Nora how we so fully buy into Neil’s opinion of Kevin that many of us just run with it. And to be fair to the fandom, it’s canon – Andrew, Neil, and all the Foxes tell us he’s a coward and annoying and so we assume it must be true.

So, I created many fics that played into this image and focused on andreil. (Because who isn’t enamored with andreil??? Legit, deranged obsession and couple goals lmao). Using that lens, it was easy to make Kevin the punching bag because he is the quintessential “straight man” in comedy (and yes, I do hear the irony in that) – the foil to other characters to make them seem better, braver, funnier, smarter, etc. It’s an age-old trick/trope in fiction that works very well. And it was an easier transition for Nora to make, I think, once she made the decision to remove Kevin from the main narrative of her story.

This character setup works well enough when you’re doing a fic from Neil or Andrew’s POV, providing an easy source of humor to fall back on. So, for me, I think my thinking shifted once I started working on Flavors of Fall and delved into Andrew and Kevin’s storyline there. That fic forced me to think from Kevin’s perspective, and I found at the time I had a shallow understanding of what made Kevin tick. It totally threw me once I really started considering sequels for that fic and the 12 Day Program for Courtship, both of which have Kevin cast as a main character. I had to dive deep into his makeup, seriously considering his motivations, his likes/dislikes, his personality traits, his relationships, and how he would react in any given situation.

Because I was interested in his character development, I started delving into fics like orionauriga’s just pretend , @likearecordbb's Long Walk in the Woods, @thetrojeans daylights, sunsets, and @dayurno's the age of no regret series. They are all brilliant, fascinating character studies of Kevin Day and his relationships that are extremely well done. There’s many more, of course, but I was searching for fics that specifically delved into Kevin’s thought process and choices and stayed there a while.

That’s what led me to feeling like I needed to tell his story with Dead of Night. Of course, it turned into a larger series with my flavoring of Kerejean added because I’ve never been a huge Kevin/Thea relationship fan. (But that's a discussion for another day which you can start here and here for that adventure.)

Now all that I’ve described above gives you the mechanics of the descent – the when, the where, the how. But it crucially misses the why. What is it about Kevin that got me in the end?

Ironically enough, it was his potential.

I think when Nora stripped away any kind of romantic narrative (RIP Kandreil OR Riko/Kevin/Jean) or a chance for a tragic storyline (Kevin dying in the end) it resulted in removing a lot of Kevin’s emotional vulnerability. We don’t get to hear what he’s feeling or thinking unless it’s related to Riko, the Moriyamas, or Exy. This means his storyline is consumed by the stereotypical sports underdog story, with us following his rise to champion (which is still a powerful enough narrative on its own that shines even in the midst of Neil’s crazy plotline. Switching that racquet to his left hand in the championship game? Iconic.)

However, it leaves us very much with a shell of a person. Kevin’s character outside of Exy is reduced to a handful of facts – there’s a passing comment on his like of history, and the stark evidence of an alcohol addiction as a coping mechanism. We’re told he used to dance. That he learned French because Jean Moreau taught him. That he has no qualms about taking (mild?) drugs (cracker dust). Despite how much we’ve run with it as a fandom, the only allusion I’ve found in the books to him being strict with diet is this section from The King’s Men:

“No one needs to eat this before a game,” Kevin said. “Eat some granola or protein if you’re that hungry.” “Hello, there’s protein in the peanut butter,” Nicky said. “Let go of me before I tell Andrew you’re outlawing chocolate. I said let go. You’re not the boss of me. Ouch! Did you seriously just hit me?” … “Kevin, just let him go,” Neil said. “It’s not worth fighting over.” “When our defense is sluggish, we all suffer,” Kevin said.

From what I can find in the books, Kevin never once denies Andrew eating ice cream. (Which I’m 100% able to admit I might have missed something so feel free to quote me where that scene is because I was totally searching for it). In fact, every time they go to Sweetie’s, it’s implied Kevin orders ice cream with them. In the infamous kissing scene in The King’s Men, we actually have proof that Kevin got ice cream:

Kevin still hadn’t messaged Nicky by the time they reached the ice cream aisle, so Nicky gave in and called him. Neil half-expected Kevin to ignore Nicky’s call, but Kevin wasn’t so sour with them that he’d turn down a free snack…Nicky grabbed spoons from the kitchen and distributed pints to their hungry owners. Neil checked his expression when Nicky came back from dropping Kevin’s off….

Now I do think it’s in line with his character and his upbringing to have issues with food, so I’m all for buying into that specific hc. But we have very little evidence of it in the text.

His personality is reduced mainly to anger, arrogance, or cowardice (all traits that don’t make us sympathize with him). The only facts we have about his Tragic Past™️ are two things: his mother’s death, and his hand injury. Everything else we assume is based on Neil’s knowledge of the mafia, Wymack’s hearsay, Andrew’s deductions, and Kevin’s reactions to Riko and Tetsuji. We have literally no idea what happened to Kevin in the Nest. His trauma and his time spent there is a complete mystery. The closest we get is Riko’s comment to Neil in The Raven King:

“I am going to love hurting you,” Riko said, “like I loved hurting Kevin.”

This, I think, is one of the main reasons many of the fandom “dismisses” Kevin’s trauma in comparison to Neil’s because we can’t see it. We don’t know what happened and we don’t get to experience it, so this lack of explanation or motivation leaves us only with very cold personality traits. We’re unable to root for him as a character because we can’t sympathize. We can empathize because we know Very Bad Things™️ must have happened in the Nest, but we don’t see them happen the same way we do Neil or Andrew. Even Kevin’s hand injury is old and “healed” when we’re first introduced to the character.

The only true canon moment where Kevin appears “human” is in The Raven King with Kevin’s “then run” and “you should be court” conversation with Neil. His admittance that Neil’s life is more important than Exy is instantaneous – he doesn’t even pause to throw his Exy dreams down the drain if it means Neil can survive. In a weirdly parallel way, we see Kevin’s thought process implicit in his conversation: “at least you’d have a chance.” It is strikingly similar to Neil’s internal conversation of: one of us should make it. (And there’s another whole separate discourse I could get into on how Kevin and Neil are two halves of the same coin, but we’ll save that for another day.) But even the revelation of Wymack as his father has more shock value than true emotional weight – we never see what that conversation looked like or how either party actually reacted. (In some ways, I feel like Dan being pissed at Kevin is given more “screentime” than Kevin’s response to telling his father and how Wymack reacted.)

So with Kevin’s emotions and past firmly locked down, we’re left to brush off Kevin’s reactions (or lack thereof) as part of his indifferent personality. It is what it says on the tin. (And that’s not to say Kevin is a perfect character by any means. He has flaws just like every other character.)

Now some people very accurately depict and buy into those limitations as simply being Kevin’s character/personality – I’ve read some awesome fics where Kevin is Ace/Aro and/or on the spectrum. These are completely valid, extremely well done, and I could totally see why others see and write him this way. Canon practically sets them up for it.

For me, though, it circles back to our skewed view of Kevin given to us by some deeply loved but also deeply flawed characters (cough, Andreil). Those same characters that we’re told time and again not to judge them by their cover but to try and understand how they’re affected by (and make choices because of) their trauma.

While Andrew and Neil end up giving each other this grace through a hard-fought battle of truths and exchanges, they do not extend this same courtesy to Kevin, and neither are we given the chance to do so. We literally can’t because, again, we don’t know what the full extent of Kevin’s trauma is.

Kevin doesn’t talk about his time in the Nest to any character, meaning we know nothing about it. Ergo we don’t know what choices Kevin makes because of it. In The Foxhole Court, Wymack specifically tells us Kevin was Riko’s pet. In fact, there is so much specific language that Kevin himself uses around the concept of ownership, and that Nora uses when referring to him that it jarringly sticks out in the text. He has no sense of personal space or proper boundaries, viewing people only as assets to be used for the good of the team, which at the very least is a sign of mental abuse. But the fact remains that we just don’t know. We don’t know how far this mental abuse was taken, how often or severely he was injured, if he injured or was forced to injure others – we don’t know.

But it’s obvious whatever happened to him started as a child and built from there. Which means he has years of abuse and power dynamics embedded into him. He has every right to be afraid. In fact, we are demonstrably told and shown often in canon that Kevin is afraid…but fear does not equate to cowardice. In fact, we know that bravery often means being scared and doing something anyway. And in many cases, that’s just what Kevin did (with a crutch named Andrew). But even before he entered his deal with Andrew, it's important to remember that even though he was brainwashed and beaten from a young age to understand that he would die if he betrayed the Moriyama family in some way, he left them.

This is always so significant to me because so many abuse victims stay in their situation thinking/hoping/praying it will get better – either because of an idea that their abuser will change (“they’re just having a hard time at work rn”) or that the victim will fix whatever flaw the abuser finds lacking. Or alternatively, they recognize the situation is bad, but they can’t leave because they feel like they have nowhere to go, no one who will help them, trapped by their lack of skills/contacts/money. In Kevin’s case, both situations rang true. And yet he left. He left, and in only a year and a half’s time he recovered from his injury and led his team to the championship.

But he is only at the start of his recovery. I think he’ll need years of therapy to recover from all that happened in the Nest. I think many of his emotional and social shortcomings are a direct consequence of that timeframe and he did not have the freedom to address them until the threat of the Moriyamas was removed. I do not think they are permanent parts of his personality – I think in time, he will be allowed to grow and recover and contribute much more to his relationships than he’s capable of doing at the end of The King’s Men.

Though the series finished, I think Kevin’s story is just beginning.

That’s why I think he’s fascinating to explore as a character. That’s why I love writing him right now because in many ways, his possibilities are endless. There’s so many opportunities to explore different facets of his story that we never get a chance to in canon. Kevin’s character and narrative is a tantalizing tease which many of us have fell hook, line, and sinker for. (Including yours truly.) We want to rabidly sink our teeth into it and shake it, like a dog with a bone.

So we do. 😉

Phew. Okay, that’s enough. None of what I’ve written above is new I’m sure to those of the fandom who have been here since the beginning or have become diehard Kevin fans. But thank you for letting me ramble in this ask, anon. Writing about Kevin has been a very fun and therapeutic adventure for me. So I’m so glad that there are others out there who are enjoying it too 😊

#thanks for coming to my TED talk about Kevin Day #it could actually be an entire series but you know...character limits #kevin day #tumblr asks #lovely people #thanks again for the ask anon!#aftg #all for the game #neil josten #andrew minyard #david wymack

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blorbologist · 1 year

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Hello! How do you get over writer's block? i'm writing for a poetry competition and the deadline is at the end of the month. The poem I'm working on now is halfway done but for some reason I'm hitting a wall when it comes to the part I really want to write if that makes sense? I feel like I have no inspiration to finish even though I know how I want it to go, and the worst part of it is that I want to start another project T^T how do I do this??

Hi anon!

It's a really, really tricky question to answer, especially due to the deadline. My usual advice would be related to not rushing it, which is... not great if you do have a timeline to adhere to.

Here's what I've got to offer:

Skip ahead. There's no hard rule that you have to write this bit before the next. Even if some of what is to come relies on it, you can make little notes and go back to edit it later.

Write an outline of the scene. No, really - you might know exactly how it goes, but writing it down both puts something on the blank document and might clarify bits you hadn't realized you were struggling with. Even better, there's often a natural inclination to just... dig a bit deeper, which might get you writing some dialog or paragraphs that occur to you that you don't want to forget. Breaking it down really helps!

Take a break. Yes, there's a deadline. No, stressing yourself silly won't help. If the muse just won't flow, be kind to yourself. If you've been bashing your head into a wall and are getting frustrated, take a break. Get away from a screen, or read a book, or take a walk.

Once that's done, though, if you aren't making headway, start brute forcing it. It's not nearly as gritty as it sounds: you just want to get words on a page, whatever way works best for you. I like to do speedwrites (short, timed writing with a friend where we just get as many words as possible onto a page and edit later), because the friend participating holds me accountable and makes me Competitive! And I'm forced to write without Overthinking, which sometimes takes the scene in a new and interesting direction! You can also set writing goals per day, like NaNoWriMo, or write it like a script with just the bare bones of what you want to happen. A little pressure helps some people stay on track.

Change your perspective. Write in a coffee shop or a quiet corner of the library, or make a nest in your closet. Switch up the environment!

Likewise, get yourself into work mode. For me that means a drink (water or coffee) and I must be wearing pants and socks to convince my brain that this is Not goofing off time.

Find ways to stay motivated. Do you have any friends you can share snippets with? The enthusiasm is a great way to keep muse flowing. Or if one part is giving you trouble, hashing it out with a kind listener is great. Reward yourself for reaching your goals! Snackies!! Reread what you've written before bed - I like to do it to catch typos and marvel at what I half-remember writing.

Break out a dictionary, or an old-ass book. Look for some weird but cool words. I compile ones that inspire me. Recently I've added grotto (from a tumblr post), ream of paper (from a fic) and appetite (from a paper) as far as words that Hit Me with some muse. Maybe you'll use them, or maybe they just give vibes. Collect them like flowers.

Finally... you know yourself best. Be honest about your goals, your comfort zone, what you know will motivate you... and then shove yourself just a bit past that. One of these ideas might be just what you need to get yourself where you want to go, but you'll never get there sticking in the same space that caused writer's block forever. Those tools clearly don't work - try out that jackhammer, even if it seems a little scary. Apparently they're really fun to work with!

I know most of this is focused on longer form writing, but I have limited experience with poetry, woop.

Please let me know if any of this helps, I'm cheering you on anon! <33

#ask #writing #on writing #writeblr #my writing

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llycaons · 6 months

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ep50 (3/4): tender romance time. painful decisions time. beautiful conversations time. threat time. music time. travel time

he's still playful, here. excited, goofy. he doesn't know, yet

and the camera focuses on lwj as wwx's joy fades into the background...lwj's frozen face this entire sequence is really painful. dude.

this is heartbreaking...wwx was so excited and now it must feel like he's being let down once again. and by someone he really thought he could trust. and it's not like lwj ever lied to him, or intended to hurt him, it's just...he can't. he can't

and you can see the dawning understanding here in wwx's eyes because he understands, he does. it just hurts. I can tell why book fans got angry at this scene. but cql lwj takes his responsibilities very seriously, which is something that cql wwx also appreciates and admires. but it still hurts

it's hard to tell but he's about tearing up here. swallowing, biting his lip. he's really trying to hold it together. but there doesn't even need to be an explanation, does there? he must know why

in the uncensored Japanese version, this scene comes immediately before the reunion, then the show ends at CR. but I actually like this version so much more, because lwj and wwx are warm to each other in the next few scenes but nothing fundamental feels like it's changed in their relationship. with the reunion, it feels like a definite change. the censorship worked for me metatextually in that we know we can't see what happens next because it's explicit. so it felt like a more definite romantic reunion and a change to their living situation bc wwx doesn't wish to stay forveer in CR. otherwise, it feels like, what's the point of wwx leaving and returning? to get used to being in the world again, I guess, but does anything really change upon his return? that's my reading

this is an intriguing scene. lwj playing at the pond, and wwx walking down and joining him. what, did lwj leave a message at the house for him?

don't remember why I screenshotted this. maybe because of his clothing - oh yeah! he wears the exact same robes for every CR scene in this little interlude. I really don't think it all happened in the same day. mysterious, maybe wwx just really liked that robe set

see this is what I'm talking about! wwx is giving him eyes over his dizi and lwj is just *shyly looks down* like he has since they were 15. no if they're together I want to imagine lwj would stare back, finish the set, then walk over and kiss wwx on the mouth

I really like the lyrics to wuji! I always have - especially the one about old flames never dying, it fits

yes the vow!!! it's so important to me that wwx made this vow 35 episodes ago, and lwj made a matching one right beside him! deep down they truly share the same ideals and goals, and their hearts have finally been able to align after many trials and tribulations. soulmates from the very start, it just took a while to get there

I LOVE this scene!!! wwx pleased with lwj, for taking on the cc role - surely he has some complicated feelings about that, but he's congratulating lwj because he trusts him and he knows he'll do well and live up to his name

and I read the meta for this scene so long ago, but lwh turning it right back around is so important! wwx, who must have felt like he'd failed so many times, who tried so hard to do good and was faced with unexpected consequences and unintended disaster time and again. here's the person who he trusts more than anyone saying, you did it. you stayed true to your ideals, your young and innocent goals carried through. you deserve the name your parents gave you, and you still embody everything you ever hoped to. it's one of the most heartfelt and meaningful things anyone has ever said in this show. it's beautiful

didn't the rock used to be huge? also this is a really beautiful part of CR. ALSO where did all those new rules come from? are we to assume it's bc wwx is living there?

this is genuinely a funny scene but the tense laughter is SO good

on god every time I see this shot I'm like 'he looks like a mob boss with that hair' also he's so young-looking and short it's impressive that jl is able to pull off this world-weary middle-aged man energy

personally I like "As for me, I'm a simple man,' more. welp, that's it for everyone else? where's lxc? don't worry about it he's fine

actually without it ever being specified, the audience doesn't know why lwj is staying. man, he must have looked like a real unloving asshole for refusing to go with wwx. but I didn't know about lxc going into seclusion my first time watching and it made sense to me. their sects just went through a lot, and lxc is in a bad way, also the cultivation world's in shambles. someone's gotta go and help sort all that out etc.

...unless we're meant to assume lxc is going into seclusion because lwj doesn't leave? or because he was offered cc in the brief moments before ditching the temple? many mysteries. all I know is, lwj wouldn't stay if he didn't have to, and it makes for some delicious ansgt, and they trust each other, and wwx admires lwj's commitment, and wwx has to go. he has to go and lwj has to stay. just for a little while

#cql re-rewatch

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emilyrosediary · 4 months

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focuses of 2024

I hate New Year’s resolutions. Resolution by definition is a firm decision to do or not do something. So I guess my only resolution is not to have one.

For 2024 I’m setting focuses. What do I want to focus my attention on this year? I like the idea of a focus because it’s not a set of what will happen or what must be done. Resolutions feel so exact. I WILL lose ten pounds this year. I WILL go to the gym three times a week. I WILL learn to cook. And although this may work for some, it doesn't work for me. I feel the pressure behind these tasks and it makes it harder, for me, to complete them. If you say that this year you will eat healthier then feel guilty for eating a brownie, that is not going to be a goal you feel good about reaching. So I am setting focuses for my year.

Focus one, my health. I want to spend time listening to my body this year. Am I hungry? Am I full? Do I need rest? Do I need movement? Our bodies have ways of sharing so much with us. How often do we stop to listen to what it's telling us? I have struggled with disordered eating for about as long as I can remember. At times it has been very all-consuming. So for this year, I want to listen more to my body. Because every day our bodies deserve three meals, movement, and rest. Somedays our bodies need more sleep, and on others, it is ready for a full workout. But no matter what it feels like, that's it communicating its needs. So here is to a year of recovery with food and healthy movement.

Focus two is independence. I have been single for an entire year. This is the longest time I have been by myself since I was thirteen. And in this past year, I have learned a lot about myself. Thankfully one of the biggest strides I took in 2023 was learning how to be alone and content with that. You learn a lot about yourself when you're in unfamiliar territory. Which I did. I had the opportunity to decide what I want and don’t want in relationships, who I want to model my relationships after, and most importantly what I would do differently next time around. It has been a period of growth and self-discovery. As well as a time of challenges diving into codependency and behaviors I wasn’t too proud to admit. In 2024 I am making a list of things I want to do by myself. Even if a relationship is in the cards for this year, I don’t want to lose the independence I worked so hard to gain. So let's aim for autonomy this year.

The last and final focus of this year at this time is my mental health. As many of you know I spent roughly fifteen weeks in the hospital this year. I had a desire to end my life at two different points. I missed months of school and work. I had a lot of people worried and caused a lot of difficult conversations. Thankfully between medication and a lot a lot of therapy, I have been stable. The challenge of mental illness is it can and tends to change quickly. So here’s to a year of staying on our medication, honesty with my care team, and continuing to attend support groups. This illness is not a death sentence, I will not treat it as such. There is so much life in recovery and I want recovery to be a huge focus of 2024.

If resolutions work for you that is fantastic, but I have never found them effective. So here’s to a year of focusing on health, both physical and mental, and continuing work on contentment alone. 2024 has a lot in store including my cosmetology school graduation. Looking forward to all the unexpected joy this year will bring.

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jaymellowed · 6 months

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#youtube

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theherbalsanctuary · 11 months

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Happy Monday! Tarot reading for the week

Hey lovelies, this is a new series among many, that I will be doing every Monday and Friday! Usually they will be simple card draws, such as a quick read like this one. Mondays you can usually expect "prepping for the week to come" sort of readings, and Fridays will usually be reflective type readings.

I want to start by saying, this deck just, *chef's kiss*, so beautifully, yet, brutally honest. This is the Crow Tarot deck by Mj Cullinane, and it is not afraid to slap you in the face when you need it. That said this week, she was very kind. I sincerely believe this is a message for the masses.

For future reference, when I do a tarot reading, I GENERALLY ask a question for each card pulled. This is completely different from when I am doing a reading with my Ogham alphabet, or my runes.

-What can we expect this week?

I pulled the Chariot in the upright position. This card signifies that we should be moving through this next week with confidence. Whatever goal you have been working towards will see amazing progress. There is a catch here, you must have been already putting in the work for this to happen. Not only that, but you need to continue to put in the grind this week. Just know it will happen. The light is at the end of the tunnel.

-What is going to be the biggest challenge this week?

For this one, I pulled Two of Wands in the reversed position. Oh boy, for people out there like me with ADHD and want nothing more to be wonderfully successful in all of their intentions, hold onto your butts. This card, in this position, urges us to prioritize the tasks we must do in order to achieve our goal(s) from the first card pull. Why might this be challenging? Well almost every goal out there has at least a couple different ways of achieving it. But which choice or path is providing the highest quality outcome? Ask yourself, what is maybe blocking you from doing that one silly task? Is it fear? Or simply a tiny list of prerequisite tasks? Either way, when I said you will still need to grind this week, I meant it. Get that shit done. You'll feel better.

-How can we be successful?

After I pulled the first card for this question, I felt I needed to pull a clarifying card. The first card I pulled for this was Page of Pentacles reversed. This card begs us to identify those potential blockages I mentioned earlier. Remember, while deciding how to go about reaching your goal this week, what sort of effort are you willing to put out in order to achieve this goal? Which parts are worth the energy, and which tasks are distractions?

The next card I pulled for this question was Six of Cups in the upright position. This card is the answer to our struggle in prioritizing tasks. First though, this card requires you to reflect back on not only what makes your heart full, but also what exactly makes reaching this goal worth it to you. Why is it important? Remember, the goal can be as simple as cleaning up your apartment. Does it need to be super clean? What pulls you out of the state of executive dysfunction you have been stuck in for months? Can you get by doing small 5 minute chores for the week? How much rest do you need in order to be able to be productive? Yeah, rest. This card also serves as a reminder to treat our bodies and souls with a little more love. What task can you do to help you clear your head of the anxious thoughts surrounding reaching this goal?

-Final Words

Basically, keep your chin up and stay focused. Do not slow your roll this week, but do know there is a light at the end of this as long as you put in the required amount of work. The reading this week encourages us to follow the path we have been planning all this time, and not to veer off of our path just yet, as our time of success is definitely on the horizon.

As always, if you would like to support me and my business, give me a follow! Or go check out my tiny store where I am currently selling a wonderfully buttery herbal salve- www.theherbalsanctuary13.com

Thanks for reading!

#tarot #mondaytarot #divination #tarotblr #tarotcommunity #witch community #free tarot #tarot witch #tarot reading

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mccoyhatcher · 2 years

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How to Phrase Effective Questions in a very Tarot Card Reading

Are you receiving a tarot reading for the first time? Well, to acquire a productive and insightful tarot card reading, you should know the way to phrase your questions. Asking the proper type of questions after a tarot reading will ensure that you will get illuminating answers to allow you to achieve your dreams and goals. However, whenever you ask a poorly phrased question, you will find there's good possibility how the answers you receive is going to be confusing, vague, or even discouraging. If you have been looking to acquire a tarot card reading, it is possible to consult a tarot card reader online via a tarot app to help you with the difficulties of life. All you need to do is download Astroyogi's tarot reading app. To have a fruitful card reading session that will ensure that you end the tarot reading session with additional knowledge than you began with, here are some ideas that you are able to remember while communicating with them. So, let us get started. Tips for Phrasing Effective Questions in a very Tarot Reading Ask Open-Ended Questions Tarot reading provides ideal results if you are looking to get advice or better insight. The tarot cards reading like to offer and ponder on possibilities. This is why it is best to ask open-ended questions. Even though it is possible to question straightforward pros and cons questions, tarot cards often give complicated answers as one must learn about the cards' symbolism to grasp the reasoning behind the yes or no. discover this info here interprets exactly what the card reveals, so answering exactly a good or bad is not possible for your tarot card reader. For example- Don't- "Will I get the job promotion?" Do- "How can I grow in my career?" Ask Questions That are Focused on Yourself You may be tempted must questions on other folks during a tarot reading. But asking them questions about another person will grow to be unproductive. Tarot card reading is ideal whenever you are devoted to yourself and looking for solutions for yourself. For instance, in the event you inquire relating to your romantic endeavors, tarot cards cannot respond to your questions like whether your lover loves you or if they'll marry you. Instead, it is possible to ask questions like how you can create a stronger hitting the ground with them. For example- Don't- "Does my crush love another individual?" Do- "How can I develop a better and stronger bond between me and my crush?" Avoid Extremely Detailed Questions Tarot card readings offer guidance so that you can work over the obstacles in your life. They are not designed to provide you with detailed answers or exact predictions about any specific situation. So, you need to stay away from asking specific dates, names, or results. Take Complete Ownership in the Situation When you are looking at asking questions, it's advisable should you ask questions which will help you take ownership from the situation to get the proper insight. For instance, if you want must questions in connection with health of the loved one, instead of asking when they will regain health or the outcome with the health problem, it's better if you ask what you can do to raise the prospect of them improving and regaining their health or how you'll be able to support them. When you go for a card reading, be operational towards the advice that the tarot cards present you with. You might run into information you don't like, but it's essential to listen on the message, irrespective of whether it really is what you really are trying to hear or not. A tarot reading session could be of enormous help should you do it now with purpose. This can only happen whenever you put conscious efforts to phrase your question correctly.

#Tarot Master Classes #Online Tarot Course #Online Tarot Reading #Tarot courses online #Minor arcana Course #Major arcana Course #Tarot healing #Tarot coaching #Tarot workshops #Tarot deck #Tarot oils

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theoriginalouterchurch · 2 years

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Finishing Treatment and Avoiding Relapse

Once a person completes medication rehab and also preserves soberness, they wonder about the next steps needed to keep staying sober. Besides, family members links are vital to us-- we rely heavily upon relative for psychological support. However, reaching out to liked ones too soon after finishing therapy may backfire by causing prospective relapse. Instead, friends and also peers who understand recovery principles are much better resources to make use of in times of situation.

During recuperation, your primary objective shouldn't be to fulfill others who have actually efficiently recovered; rather, you need to spend top quality time developing healthy and balanced connections and also making significant modifications in your everyday routine. Ask yourself inquiries like, "What kind of person do I intend to become?", "Who would I such as to be?" as well as "How am I changing myself?"

By asking on your own these kind of concerns, you'll cultivate the state of mind required to stay determined throughout the journey. Doing so permits you to feel confident, knowing that you're doing everything possible to attain success.

Yet another essential element entails finding something enjoyable to do daily. There are many things that individuals enjoy to do, including playing sports, fishing, gardening, baking, exercising, finding out how to cook, enjoying motion pictures, checking out books, volunteering at local nonprofit organizations, socializing with pals, and also engaging in many other tasks.

Whether your goals are to invest much less time drinking alcohol, stop smoking cigarettes, gave up betting, or establish healthier consuming practices, you already recognize what you must be doing. So currently your difficulty is to figure out precisely which habits you wish to change and which details activities you mean to execute.

Establish practical assumptions about just how quickly you anticipate adjustments to come around. Remember that breaking undesirable patterns calls for practice as well as uniformity. Nevertheless, once you have actually developed healthy and balanced regimens, stick to them.

Do not surrender also swiftly, also after failing numerous times. Lastly, bear in mind to savor victories along the trip rather than wallowing in loss. Be happy whenever you succeed at attaining little turning points toward reaching your general goal. Nevertheless, "A little progress is better than none."

<h1>Finally, here is one last pointer that will assist you remain tidy progressing:</h1>

Numerous recuperating addicts still fight with psychological triggers that lead them right back right into old practices. However staying focused on your goals and taking actions towards healing is important to prevent relapses.

Remembering what motivated you to seek treatment initially will maintain you strong throughout each day, particularly during tough moments where temptations develop. As quickly as negative attitude begins to creep in around prompts to consume or do drugs, repeat favorable affirmations out loud until they sink in. By concentrating on how terrific it really feels to remain sober, you'll reinforce the truth behind your decision to give up alcohol consumption or using compounds.

Maintaining active while remaining productive, emotionally energetic, fit, and interacting socially on a regular basis will all contribute to establishing a strong support group must bad days rear their awful heads. Ultimately, finding out to cope effectively with stress factors or unwanted circumstances will protect against future slides. You can better manage stressful emotions and also avoid causing regression triggers by practicing mindfulness techniques.

If you adhere to the steps discussed earlier, you will undoubtedly lower your threat of relapsing later. Enabling yourself to feel hopeful concerning staying sober takes commitment as well as perseverance, but once you start to see progression, you'll promptly realize how easy preserving abstinence ends up being.

After beginning to recognize what it seems like to stay sober, don't forget to inform everybody around you concerning your journey to healing. Helping others overcome their struggles can motivate you to continue going after complete wellness as opposed to addiction.

Seeing on your own getting over previous barriers influences others to accomplish terrific things too. Finally, acknowledging that you got over past difficulties offers you the stamina to encounter the here and now ones head-on.

Serious facts regarding dependency include that, according to National Institute on Drug Abuse data, alcohol addiction alone costs our country $223 billion every year in medical costs, lost performance, criminal justice system participation, as well as lost tax obligation income.

In addition, alcoholic abuse among kids under 18 years of ages reasons almost 3,000 fatalities per year as a result of motor vehicle crashes, physical violence, suicide attempts, and murders. The damaging effects of substance use disorders reach much past individual health end results.

Substance abusers shed chances to go after instructional and also employment goals, add positively to culture by adding to families as well as neighborhoods, as well as achieve the personal maturity required for healthy and balanced advancement into the adult years.

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iamkidcanon · 2 years

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Completing Rehab and Avoiding Relapse

<h1>Finally, here is one last pointer that will assist you remain tidy progressing:</h1>

#addiction

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triptuckers · 3 years

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Like a dream - Kaz Brekker

Request: yes “Hello dear! Could I request an x reader with Kaz Brekker where he and the reader touch for the first time? I know that his touch aversion is a big deal so I imagine touching for the first time is a huge goal.” Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader Summary: You had a dream in which you felt Kaz’ fingers on your skin, and it felt real but too good to be true. Until you tell Kaz about your dream the next morning. Warnings: mentions of Kaz’ touch aversion but that’s it Word count: 2K A/N: I still cannot get over the fact that freddy is the PERFECT kaz everyday I wake up and go hmmm yea he’s the perfect kaz <3 enjoy reading!

Nights off in Ketterdam are rare. Normally, you always run off to do whatever activities you couldn’t do on a daily basis. But tonight, you’re tired. You don’t want to waste a rare night off by sleeping.

But given you’re too tired to actually do anything, and too stubborn to go to bed, you’re currently sitting on the couch in Kaz’ office. You’re curled up on one side and reading a book.

Or rather, you’re trying to read a book. You keep re-reading the same words and occasionally your chin drops to your chest. But you fight off your tired body, telling yourself you should enjoy this rare peaceful moment in the Barrel.

Kaz is sitting at his desk, frowning as he looks over several detailed maps of the city, silently mouthing words as he’s thinking. Every once in a while, you lower your book to sneak a glance at him. He’s so concentrated he doesn’t notice you. At least, you don’t think he does.

Every time you look at him, Kaz feels your eyes on him. He then waits a minute or so before looking your way.

Kaz rarely has a good night’s sleep, and everyone knows he’s not the one to just take naps during the day. He can tell you’re not like him. More than once you’d fallen asleep on his couch, and he doubts tonight is going to be any different.

After a couple more minutes of you trying to read but not turning a page of your book, Kaz speaks up.

‘You can stay here tonight, if you’d like.’ he says.

You look up to see him looking at the maps in front of him. You smile and shake your head, though he doesn’t see it.

‘No, it’s fine.’ you say. ‘I’ll just go to my own room before I fall asleep.’

Kaz nods and you turn your attention back to the book in your hands. Though you’re tired, you don’t feel like going to your own room just yet. Moments like these with Kaz are rare, and you intend to enjoy every minute of alone time you can get with him.

Most of the times it’s hard to get his mind off business even when it’s just the two of you. A lot of the conversations you have somehow always end up to be about whatever job he was planning in his head.

But moments like these had always been your favorite. Both you and Kaz just doing separate things, but still enjoying each other’s presence. You wished every night could be like this.

Your eyes move slower and slower across the page, looking at the words but not remembering them. Your blinking turns into shutting your eyes for several seconds until eventually, sleep takes over.

When Kaz doesn’t hear from you or feel your eyes on him for a while, he looks up at you. His features soften when his eyes fall on you, asleep on the couch, still holding the book you were reading in your hand.

He takes the small watch out of his pocket. You fought sleep off longer than he thought you would.

Kaz stands up and walks over to you. He carefully takes off your boots, trying not to wake you. After placing them on the ground next to the couch, he takes the book out of your hands, marks the page and sets it aside as well. He shrugs off his coat and places it over your body as a blanket.

You stir and mumble a very sleepy ‘m not tired’, which makes Kaz smile. Soon after the words left your lips, your breathing turns slow and steady, and Kaz makes his way to the sink to was his face and hands before getting ready for bed as well.

He takes his time as he slowly tugs off the gloves and washes his hands. Kaz splashes some water in his face and runs a hand through his hair. When he crosses the office to get to his room, he stops to look at you one last time.

You look very peaceful, asleep on his couch and with his coat covering the majority of your body. He walks over to you and notices that one of your hands is on the couch next to your head.

You knew of his touch aversion, and Kaz is convinced he couldn’t find anyone else who was as patient as you are. You’d been together for quite some time, but hadn’t done as much as holding hands. You’d never even felt each other’s skin.

Often, Kaz felt guilty about it. You both had human needs and desires, and he’d told you time and time again you should just find someone else who could give you what he couldn’t. But you always smiled and told him you’d rather wait a thousand years for him, than leave him for someone else only because they would be able to touch you.

You’d tell him touch was just one form of a love language. And his love language simply wasn’t touch. You'd tell him about all the times he’d shown you he loved you without touching you. Looking out for you, having your back on jobs, small gifts or even just bringing you coffee in the morning.

But now that he’s looking at you, Kaz feels yet again guilty. He wants to give you everything you want, he wants to touch you, but he just couldn't. Every time he’d touched someone’s skin, it had almost catastrophic results for him.

His eyes focus on your hand as he thinks of you. He wants to touch you, to feel your skin.

After standing there for what feels like an eternity, Kaz slowly inches closer to you and reaches out a hand towards yours. He takes a few deep breaths in, trying to calm himself and pushing the memories away.

He lets his index finger hover above your hand. And then he slowly lowers his finger, until his finger tip touches the palm of your hand. Kaz takes a deep breath and softly traces his finger across the palm of your hand.

While still sleeping, you unknowingly curls your pinky around his finger.

Kaz slowly pulls away, but with a smile on his face. It wasn’t much, but he didn’t have a panic attack, he didn't faint, he didn’t completely lose it. It wasn’t much, but it was a start.

Feeling somewhat relieved, Kaz enters his room to go to sleep as well.

When you wake up the next morning, the first thing you notice is Kaz’ coat. It smells like him, and it makes you smile to yourself. You know this is something he’d never admit to doing if he was around others. He only ever let his guard down around you.

You get up, wrapping his coat around you as you tiptoe over to the door to his room. You carefully open it, trying to make as little noise as possible. Kaz is till fast asleep, sprawled out on his stomach. You resist the urge of snuggling up next to him and close the door again.

After putting on your boots and leaving Kaz’ coat behind, you head downstairs to get a pot of coffee and two mugs. Luckily it’s not that busy this early in the morning, and no one notices your messy hair or the fact you’re still in last night clothes. If anyone would see you, you just knew they would tease you about it for the rest of the week.

You head back up the stairs, holding the coffee in one hand and the two mugs in the other. You can hear stumbling in some of the rooms you pass on your way up as the residents of the Slat starts to wake up.

Upon arriving at Kaz’ floor, you push the door open with your shoulder. While you were downstairs, Kaz had woken up. He’s standing next to his desk and putting on his gloves.

‘Morning.’ you say as you walk over to the desk and set the coffee and the mugs down. ‘I was early, so it’s still fresh.’

You sit down in the chair in front of his desk and pour the coffee in the mugs. Kaz sits down behind his desk as you hand him his coffee. You take a sip of the warm drink and close your eyes.

‘You always do that.’ Kaz points out. You open your eyes to look at him. ‘I always do what?’ you say. ‘Closing your eyes when you take that first sip of coffee in the morning.’ he says. ‘Well, what can I say, everyone needs their coffee in the morning, so why not enjoy it?’ you say.

Kaz takes a sip of his coffee and pulls one of the maps he had been studying toward him. At the sight of his gloved fingers, you suddenly remember last night.

‘I dreamt about you last night.’ you say. ‘Hmm did you?’ mumbles Kaz as he looks at the map.

‘Yea.’ you say. ‘I dreamt you touched my hand, without gloves.’

Kaz looks up at you but you’re focused on your hands. You’re tracing one of you fingers over the palm of your hand.

‘You traced your finger over my hand, like that.’ you say, repeating the motion. ‘It felt so real, for a moment after I woke up, I thought it wasn't a dream. But that’s a stupid thing to think.’

‘It’s not stupid.’ says Kaz. ‘Because it wasn’t a dream.’

You finally look up at him. He looks at you in that same calm way he always looks at you. Your eyes widen as you realise what he’d just said.

‘It wasn’t a dream?’ you say, repeating his words. ‘But why- how?’

Kaz shrugs. ‘You seemed so peaceful last night. I couldn’t resist.’ he says.

You start to grin after hearing his words, making him raise his eyebrows in question at you.

‘Kaz Brekker, you couldn’t resist touching someone’s skin?’ you say. ‘You never touch someone’s skin, not even mine, and now you’re telling me last night you couldn’t resist it?’

Kaz takes another sip of his coffee, as you’re waiting for his answer.

‘I can’t help but to let down my walls around you.’ says Kaz. ‘You’re the only one who has ever seen my hands.'

‘I’m going to count that as a love confession.’ you say and Kaz shakes his head but chuckles as well.

‘I’m proud of you, Kaz.’ you say after a while. ‘That must have been everything but easy for you.’

‘It certainly wasn’t easy.’ admits Kaz. ‘But I’m willing to try and see how far I can go. For you.’

You smile and take a sip of your coffee. The two of you finish your coffee in silence, enjoying each other’s company before the daily chaos of the Slat starts. You’re looking out the window, your chin resting on your hand.

‘Y/N?’ says Kaz, getting your attention, and you turn to face him. Your eyes follow his line of sight and you notice he’s taken his gloves off.

‘Kaz.’ you say, gentle but firm. ‘You do not have to do anything you don’t want to or aren’t comfortable with.’

‘I know.’ says Kaz, still looking at his hands. ‘But I trust you.’

You watch his hands as one of them slowly inches closer to your hand on the table. Neither of you is saying anything, the both of you just silently watching your hands.

And then you feel Kaz’ fingers brush over yours. It’s only a few seconds, and then he pulls away again, immediately pulling his gloves back on. You smile as you look at your fingers, trying to hold the moment of the feeling of his fingers against yours.

‘It’s not much but-’ ‘It’s enough for me.’ you say, interrupting him.

Kaz looks at you and you smile at him. ‘You are enough for me.’ you say. ‘This is all I ever want, Kaz, you’re all I want.’

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

#*sobbing* kaz my beloved <3 <3 #there's nothing I wouldn't do for him #kaz brekker #shadow and bone #grishaverse #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker x you #Kaz Brekker fanfiction #Kaz Brekker fanfic #kaz brekker fanfics #kaz brekker fic #kaz brekker fics #kaz brekker oneshot #kaz brekker oneshots #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone fanfics #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fics

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lenievi · 2 years

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I decided to rewatch one of my favourite episodes, The Galileo Seven, for the nth time, and I figured I could just post all my thoughts in one post. It’s focused only on the shuttlecraft crew~ (I mean Spock and McCoy lol) It’s also just my subjective and biased view~

MCCOY: Then you don't think they'll find us. SPOCK: Not as long as we're grounded. We may be here for a very long time, Doctor.

In some way, I really like how Spock is explaining to McCoy his thoughts so McCoy can understand what’s out there – the ionisation effect making instruments useless, and the Enterprise being forced to look for them by visual contact only. It might be something that didn’t occur to McCoy – or Spock thought it wouldn’t occur to McCoy... and it’s just a nicely balanced dialogue between them imho

the beginning of this scene feels like McCoy is bored, so he comes bothering Spock :D

he’s also quite fondly amused when Spock’s like “I will do whatever logically needs to be done. Excuse me.” but he’s also shown to be worried because as he said “It'll take more than logic to get us out of this.” and he’s not sure if Spock can let go of his logic

like, the thing about this scene is McCoy telling us that Spock thinks “that logic was the best basis on which to build command” and Spock doesn’t refute it because he’s “a logical man, Doctor.” But McCoy knows that just logic isn’t enough and he hopes Spock will realise that soon too. In some way, I’ve always thought that this scene was a little bit “pls show me I’m wrong about you” (which, I mean, ultimately happens at the end, but we’re not there yet)

Now, I would like to point out that up to this point everyone in the shuttlecraft listened to Spock, and no one was being insubordinate, everything was running smoothly. Because they had hope. But the next scene...

SCOTT: (...) if we ever hope to make orbit, we'll have to lighten our load by at least five hundred pounds. SPOCK: The weight of three grown men.

(McCoy’s face hearing Spock’s words)

MCCOY: Or the equivalent weight in equipment. SPOCK: Doctor McCoy, with very few exceptions we use virtually every piece of equipment aboard this craft in attaining orbit. There's very little excess weight, except among the passengers. BOMA: You mean three of us must stay behind.

And this was the point where Boma started to question Spock, because he didn’t agree with Spock’s logical and practical approach, and from this moment he started to undermine Spock every chance he got in unprofessional and insubordinate way. And like, even earlier in the series, we could see this behaviour, with Stiles, even Tormolen and his “You don't rank me and you don't have pointed ears, so just get off my neck!” under the influence are just some of the hints that the crew doesn’t respect Spock as they should.

MCCOY: Mister Spock, life and death are seldom logical. SPOCK: But attaining a desired goal always is, Doctor.

Continuing from the previous scene, McCoy’s starting to be frustrated by Spock’s coldhearted logic, but it isn’t really outward frustration (yet).

MCCOY: Not his head, Mister Boma, his heart. His heart.

I just have feelings about this scene and Spock and McCoy in it, okay. McCoy sounds so sad when he repeats “his heart”, it’s like his voice almost breaks at that point.

Anyway, Latimer is killed in the next scene, and Spock... starts to admire a stick lol Which understandably angers Boma and Gaetano because Spock is the commanding officer, and he should at least acknowledge Latimer’s death. In some way, you can remember The Man Trap where Uhura gets annoyed at Spock for being completely emotionless when he learned that someone from the landing party died and it could be the Captain. This reaction probably doesn’t fit the Starfleet officers, but it fits humans...

(Like I understand that most people watch this episode from Spock’s POV and then get angry on his behalf, but the reaction of the crew, while terrible, is still very understandable from their POV.)

In some way, Spock being sooo logical at this point, sometimes feels like he wants to prove to McCoy that his way is right. That logic is enough. I honestly believe that their talk about command and logic is an important scene that should be remembered when looking at this episode.

MCCOY: I can't believe you're serious about leaving someone behind. Now whatever it is that's out there... SPOCK: It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six, Doctor. MCCOY: I'm not talking about rationality. SPOCK: You might be wise to start.

While there were tiny tiny hints back in the Enemy Within, this is the real moment where McCoy and Spock’s philosophical differences come forward. Where Spock is willing to sacrifice one life for many, where McCoy is unwilling doing the same because a life is precious (even though McCoy sometimes falters when the one in danger is Kirk lol) Like, it isn’t about logic and emotions between them (in this episode, and overall in the show), it’s about McCoy wanting to consciously save as many as he can (even if he can’t save all of them; he can’t just gave up on someone as long as that someone is alive), while Spock would make a conscious decision to sacrifice someone to save many (but he actually rarely has that opportunity, and when he does, he wants to sacrifice himself)

MCCOY: Now look. We may all die here. At least let us die like men, not machines.

Look, the first time McCoy raises his voice at Spock in this episode. Like, Boma is being unpractical asking for a funeral, and McCoy is trying, at first, to make Spock understand that as a captain he has certain obligations – since the funeral was brought up – and that is overseeing a burial, it isn’t a surgeon’s job, and when Spock, understandably, doesn’t meet the request, McCoy finally flares up because he’s fed up with Spock’s logic (after being stuck on that planet for more than 24 hours).

SPOCK: By dealing with first things first, I hope to increase our chances of staying alive.

And after Spock’s words, he does shut up and doesn’t argue anymore, because Spock is trying to keep them alive, and he understands it. (There is a difference between McCoy and Boma&Gaetano in this episode, and it’s always so ugh when people lump them together.)

GAETANO: Well, we're practical about it. I say we hit them before they hit us. SPOCK: Mister Boma? BOMA: Absolutely. SPOCK: Doctor McCoy? MCCOY: Seems logical to me. SPOCK: It does, indeed. It seems logical to me, also. But to take life indiscriminately,

You know, this is always so interesting to consider, especially in regards to McCoy... there’s this notion that he wouldn’t kill in the fandom, but... he’s perfectly fine with killing those who aren’t human(oid). It usually depends on the plot, but he’s not 100% I’m never taking a life (I mean he killed twice to save Jim’s life. It’s never an easy decision, but he has priorities, he isn’t unbiased, which I think is what makes him more interesting, so when the fandom is like McCoy doesn’t carry the phaser, can’t fire the phaser, I’m like... how long ago have you actually watched the series? And of course, the same goes for Spock. Who will sometimes be like taking life is wrong, and then he will kill when the situation demands it – i.e. Friday’s Child. I can excuse The Man Trap and him urging McCoy to kill fake!Nancy, but Friday’s Child is season 2...)

Also, it’s so fun that McCoy is like “seems logical to me” in this moment, right after he got angry at Spock for being logical.

GAETANO: The majority. SPOCK: I am not interested in the opinion of the majority, Mister Gaetano.

I will never be over Spock’s not being interested in the opinion of the majority line. You can just see and hear that Spock is slowly losing control, getting frustrated and a lot is fighting against each other inside of him. And then he calmly instructs McCoy, but raises his voice at Gaetano because he IS the one in command and they need to listen to him. It’s just so good.

MCCOY: Trouble is, they happen to be our only defence. SPOCK: They would also seem to be our only hope.

<3 I know that the exchange from The Gamesters of Triskelion:

SPOCK: We shall continue sensor scans, Doctor. At the moment, that is all we can do, except hope for a rational explanation. MCCOY: Hope? I always thought that was a human failing, Mister Spock. SPOCK: True, Doctor. Constant exposure does result in a certain degree of contamination.

is memorable, but I also believe that in that episode both of them used the banter as distraction. Because Spock uses “hope” quite a lot.

“Doctor, your phaser.”

(Did you have to look at him like that? Did you have to use the tone you used? What I really love about McCoy and Spock is that they often just communicate through looks, and that is often stronger than words. Which is also what makes them frustrating, but well, you can’t have everything.)

And again, McCoy doesn’t protest and listens. Because he knows when to listen.

which is also the case in this scene.

SPOCK: Take this back to Mister Scott for conversion, please Doctor. BOMA: Nobody knows what's happened to Gaetano, and you hand over his phaser like nothing's happened at all. SPOCK: (handing over his own phaser) And give this to Mister Scott in the event I don't return. MCCOY: Just where are you going? SPOCK: I have a certain scientific curiosity about what's become of Mister Gaetano. Return to the ship, please. (Spock leaves) MCCOY: I don't know. He'll risk his neck locating Gaetano and if he finds him, he's just as liable to order him to stay behind. You tell me.

It’s nice watching McCoy trying to figure Spock out.

But then we have the scene where McCoy finally starts to act irrational (and it’s pretty much the only scene in the episode)

MCCOY: Well, Mister Spock, they didn't stay frightened very long, did they? SPOCK: Most illogical reaction. We demonstrated our superior weapons. They should have fled. MCCOY: You mean they should have respected us? SPOCK: Of course.

I wonder if this was also Spock’s explanation to himself for when he raised his voice at Gaetano before. He demonstrated his superior power – he told him he was in charge – and he expected Gaetano and Boma to respect him, to listen to him.

MCCOY: Mister Spock, respect is a rational process. Did it ever occur to you they might react emotionally, with anger? SPOCK: Doctor, I am not responsible for their unpredictability. MCCOY: They were perfectly predictable to anyone with feeling. You might as well admit it, Mister Spock, your precious logic brought them down on us.

The thing about this is, like I said, McCoy being quite irrational here. Because previously, he was in favour of attacking, of killing them, but Spock instead chose not to, he only chose to show off their superior power, and they reacted in anger. Like, what does McCoy think would happen if they actually killed one of them? Does he think they wouldn’t attack them?

In any case, it’s interesting to watch how Spock is confused and panicking because nothing went according to his “predictions”.

SPOCK: Strange. Step by step, I have made the correct and logical decisions. And yet two men have died. MCCOY: And you've brought our furry friends down on us. SPOCK: I do seem to have miscalculated regarding them, and inculcated resentment on your parts.

and he doesn’t seem to understand why he failed, where he went wrong...

SPOCK: Gentlemen, by coming after me, you may well have destroyed what slim chance you had for survival. The logical thing for you to have done was to have left me behind. MCCOY: Mister Spock, remind me to tell you that I'm sick and tired of your logic. SPOCK: That is a most illogical attitude.

The logical thing... no wonder McCoy tells him to remind him to tell him he was sick of Spock’s logic... in some way this just shows how stubborn Spock is. His logic failed, but he still insists that others should behave “logically”. And after 48 hours, McCoy is quite exasperated that Spock still continues with his logic (that started with their conversation about command and logic) telling them they should’ve leave Spock behind to die even after everything that happened.

MCCOY: Well, Mister Spock, so ends your first command. SPOCK: Yes. My first command.

and you didn’t prove me wrong. You based your decisions on logic and you failed.

And then, it’s like you don’t want me acting logical? Okay, I’m just gonna try this one thing because what is there to lose?

MCCOY: It may be the last action you'll ever take, Mister Spock, but it was all human. SPOCK: Totally illogical. There was no chance. MCCOY: That's exactly what I mean.

And McCoy’s so proud~ So happy that Spock isn’t that coldhearted Vulcan he showed them on the planet, someone who could talk about letting three people behind without batting an eye.

It’s such a good moment, and I’m not going to repeat myself because I already wrote about it here.

In the end, Spock acted illogical, and arrived to the conclusion that sometimes logic wasn’t enough. I think that the last scene kind of cheapens the episode (ending it with Kirk being relieved would be better), but I guess they needed to fill the time...

Anyway, this is such a good McCoy and Spock episode and an important part of their dynamic because it’s the real start of their philosophical differences. And even though continuity wasn’t really invented yet, it’s also an important episode for Spock’s character development.

I just love this episode a lot.

#spones #Leonard McCoy #spock #star trek tos #the galileo seven #tos nonsense #this is soooo long i am sorry but i felt like rambling #it probably doesn't make a lot of sense but i wanted to talk about this episode because i love it so much #and when i became a part of this fandom almost two years ago i saw so many posts that just made me confused and so i didn't want to talk #about this episode but i don't care anymore #hence this mess lol

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mountswhore · 3 years

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𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭 — mason mount

summary: after your breakup, mason realises just how much you need him. and how much he needs you too.

warnings: mentions of drinking, slight mentions of drugs, swearing, angst

requests are open!

It had been a month since your breakup, and you were at an all time low. But you couldn’t let Mason or anyone else know that. Luckily, you lived alone. So you had your own flat to mope about in, before painting on your fake smile and leaving for whatever errands you had that day. Your breakup was… unfair. Mason treated you like a toy, thinking he could just drop you and then pick you up just as quick. But you weren’t having it anymore.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” you laughed in disbelief at the words your boyfriend was spewing, “you’re really doing this to me, again?” Mason just stood with a stone cold face in front of you, in the comfort of his own living room.

“Y/N, believe me when I say I didn’t want to do this.” Mason consoled, taking a step forward. “You’re a distraction to my career, I barely see you. What would be the point of this anymore?” His words were like bullets, your chest full of holes and you were bleeding on the floor. But Mason was just staring back at you.

“I’m a distraction to your career. Lovely.” You mentioned, pushing past him and grabbing your bag from the stairs. Mason tried to stop you, he wanted to talk this out. “For the love of God, stop trying to hold me back. What is there to say? Or do you just want to ease your conscience? If you’re going to break up with me, be a man and own it. Leave me alone.”

With that you left, and you hadn’t spoken since.

You were going to meet a good friend for lunch, a WAG, but your breakup with Mason didn’t affect your friendship. She was adamant on it, saying, “just because Mason dumped your fine ass, doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with you. He’ll just have to deal with it.” You’d gone to your usual place, waiting in the foyer for her before booking a table together.

“How’ve you been, doll?” Abigail asked, putting her bag down beside her. “You know, considering.” You nodded, putting your fake smile to good use.

You let out a small giggle. “Good, yeah. I’ve been focusing on my work, which I should’ve been doing from the jump. I think I’m really making progress.” Abigail just nodded and smiled.

She didn’t seem the least bit frightened to say what she said, as she’d heard how you felt. “Good, because you’re coming to a party this weekend.”

“What?”

“A party.”

“Yeah I heard you,” you groaned, “are we sixteen- years old? Or am I just growing quicker than the rest of you?”

“Oh shh,” Abigail sighed, digging into her food that had now arrived with yours. Every time you came here, she got the carbonara. “Look, you said you’re making progress, and I want to have fun with my best friend again. And if I’m honest, all the other girls just aren’t as good of a laugh as you.”

“Thanks for the ego boost.” You added, smiling a genuine smile at her. You were still thinking heavily about this party, where was it? When was it? Who was going?

“Clear your weekend. It’s this Saturday, at some private lounge in London.” Abigail stated, twirling her fork once again. “It’s the England squad celebrating something or another, I don’t know. Dec told me about it.” The reason the pair of you were so close, was mainly because of your boyfriends being so close. Declan knew that his girlfriend was still friends with you and planned on keeping that, he’d always ask about you.

“Right. I’ll see if I can work overtime on Thursday to make up for my weekend off.” You mentioned.

So it was settled. You’d be going to a party with Abigail and the England squad. You weren’t the least bit excited, the only fraction you were was purely because you’d be seeing Abigail. You had your dress, you’d worked your overtime, and you were on your way to this private lounge in London. No matter how nice looking this lounge was, you’d always feel out of place. You were wearing your nicest dress, tallest heels, and Abigail had even done your hair and makeup.

“How are you, Y/N? You doing okay?” Declan asked, in the seat beside Abigail. You were sharing a taxi, Abi in the middle. Both you and Dec on either end. It was quite awkward, to see Declan. To know that he still speaks to Mason.

“Yeah, I’m doing good. How’s football going for you?” You asked. You despised small talk, it make you want to throw up. But it was only being polite to Dec. Declan mumbled a similar answer and paid attention to his phone. A text from Abigail appeared.

I don’t think she’s okay.

Declan wrote back to his girlfriend: I was thinking the same thing.

The three had gotten to the private lounge, Abi promising to not leave your side. You spent the first hour with her, constantly drinking to increase your confidence. Abi had finally left you, like you knew she would, but you weren’t mad. She’s here for her boyfriend, it’s only right she spends it with him. So now you were the loner at the bar, downing shot after shot.

Mason was sulking around like a shadow, holding tightly onto his mixer and speaking to some of his teammates. He’s not even sure why he came, all he knew was Declan forced him. And yet Declan had barely spoke to to him all evening. His mixer was empty, so he made his third beeline for the bar this evening. And saw you.

His heart had began beating irregularly, clammy hands almost dropping the cup he had. Why was he so nervous to see the ex he dumped? Luckily, you were occupied with talking to Jesse, so he could quickly grab his drink and leave. He found himself staring at you during his wait, how you laughed so genuinely with Jesse. You always did. He was one of your closest friends and now talking to him felt awkward because of your breakup. You looked at Jesse so happily, he wished it was him. It was a stupid thing to wish, considering he dumped you.

What had dumping you even done for him?

“Mount. Whatever the hell has happened to you outside of training, undo it. You’re off today.”

“Mase, why haven’t you been as on par as you usually are?”

“You keep playing like this and you’re being benched next game.”

Nothing. The answer was nothing. He was told he wasn’t playing well, saw you as an issue and dumped you. And now he plays worse. He’d been benched on his second game, overlooked by his manager due to his lack of focus in training. It was horrible. But you told him to leave you alone, he could never forget the look on your face. The look of exhaustion, of being dumped and picked back up again.

Mason had zoned back in, seeing you looking at him rather lazily. You looked drunk, high, or both. Jesse had gone, and you were throwing the shots back. You made it a game. Every time you had a good Mason thought, you’d have a shot. If it was bad, or any thought at all, you’d be having your stomach pumped by the end of the night.

Mason watched the bartender pour straight vodka into your cup, and then watched you stagger away to the stairs. The stairs led up to toilets, and were empty and quiet. Perfect. You collapsed onto the stairs, still sipping on your vodka before laying your head onto a step. You didn’t know Mason had followed you until you felt his hands on your arms.

“Come on, we’re going home.” He declared, holding you around your waist. You frowned at him, trying your best to use your half-working limbs to push him away from you.

“We’re? No, you are going home. I’m staying here.” You slurred, downing the rest of your drink and throwing the cup at his head. You laughed at the face he made, finally freeing you and you returned to your seat on the stairs. “You aren’t my dad, or my boss, or my friend. So leave me alone.”

“You’re off your face. So you’re going home.” He reaffirmed with you, folding his arms. You just shook your head again, looking up at him. You were having good Mason thoughts again, seeing just his face stare down at you. It made you want to cry and throw up.

“Get me a drink.” Mason left after your instructions, returning with a cup. You had downed it, waiting for the warm throat and slight burn. But nothing. “Not water, you asshole.” Mason kept a stone cold face with you, resting against the wall beside the door. Nobody had come into the toilet and you wished they had now. You needed someone to save you from happy Mason thoughts.

“So how is football? You must be scoring goals left and right.” You jested, tipping your head back and laughing. “Right?” Mason sat down beside you in defeat, knowing this wouldn’t be an easy conversation with you. It would end in you crying, or leaving, or both.

“No, actually.” Mason admitted. “I’m doing rubbish. My friends know I’m off my game, the gaffer knows I’m off my game. It’s atrocious.” You stared at him, kind of feeling bad but then remembering what he did to you. All those times he’d break up with you, just to say he missed you a few days later. If you were being honest with yourself, you thought it would happen again. But a month had passed, and nothing.

“Oh.” It was all you could say. Knowing what he did was for no reason, it had no benefits whatsoever. Your life had been completely thrown out of balance for nothing. It made you mad all over again. “So you’re telling me you broke up with me, and nothing good came of it?”

Mason hated to admit it. “Yes.” He spoke quietly, ashamed of the answer he was putting out there. “I was actually told to fix whatever happened outside of training, in an effort to make me better again.” You should be laughing in his face, glad he’s been royally fucked over after he royally fucked you over. But instead, you held your hands to your face to hide your tears.

“Hey,” Mason hushed, pulling you into his side. He knew you’d had a lot to drink, so maybe your emotions were all over the place, “don’t cry about it, you don’t need to be upset.” Why was he being like this? He broke up with you, why did he care how you were now?

“What’s happened to us?” You cried, pulling away from him. Just because you were at a low, doesn’t mean he can swoop in. “Ever since we broke up, it seems our lives have been shit.”

Mason laughed through the pain, resting his elbows on the step behind him. He’d tried to avoid his feelings instead of confront them, but it proved difficult when you had showed up. “I might be benched for the next game, or better yet, be taken from the squad.”

You shook your head. No matter how much you hated him at this very point, you couldn’t deny the man’s talent. “You deserve that spot on the team. There’s a reason you start for England every time. Don’t doubt yourself because something bad happened to you.”

Mason took your words and remembered them, keeping them in his head for the rest of the night. “Come here.” He put an arm around you and held you tight, sighing as your heads rested together. “I’m sorry I did this to you. I shouldn’t have left you, I had issues with myself and saw you as the problem instead. I’m really sorry.”

“I just don’t think I can take it again.” You confessed, laying your head in his lap and keeping your eyes closed. “I can’t take being broken up with again, only for you to end up in my bed a few days later. It hurts me everytime, Mase.” Mason was rubbing your back, hating himself for the way he made you feel before. And he hadn’t seen an issue with it, he treated you like it was okay to use you as an emotional rag doll.

“You don’t have to jump straight into it,” he whispered, hands now smoothing your hair out of your face, “you can take as long as you need to trust me again. But I’m telling you it’ll never happen again, I’ll never throw you about like I did before. It was reckless of me and I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Mase.” You sighed, the weight finally freeing your chest. You could finally move forward with your life, and choose whether or not to take Mason with you. It wasn’t an answer you needed to know now, it could take it’s time. And Mason was willing to wait.

#money mase #mason mount x reader #mason mount smut #mason mount imagine #mason mount blurb #mason mount

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comfyswitcherblanketfort · 3 years

Text

Sensate Focus

A bitch takes one Human Sexuality class and gets stuck on the fucking Sensate Focus bullshit then has to write a fic about it. Its me. I’m the bitch. 😂

Warnings: Geralt is self depriciating-whats new, insecure jask, insecure geralt, overwhelmed by touch, big vulnerability, they’re in couple’s therapy, so like, its a rocky relationship, we got some connection building and cuteness in the end too, its not all bad, mentions of sex, nudity but like not in a smutty way, for once I dont think i used a single swear word? I had big feels while writing it i really hope they translated lmao.

I am but a humble psych major, not an actual therapist, so plz don’t come at me if shit isn’t accurate. I tried my best.

Also this is under a cut for a reason, not just length. If you are easily triggered by touch starved type fics this is not for you. It gets emotionally heavy plz read with caution.

____________________________

“You want us to what?”

“Come on, Geralt. You said you’d try.”

“I- no. Just- why? What’s the point?”

Both Geralt and Jaskier turned to their therapist, each equally confused and a little scared.

The tiny woman kept her face completely impassive and answered his question, “The exercise helps people get out of their heads and reacquaint themselves with, not only being open with their partner, but also slowing down and enjoying touch for touch sake. Without being so focused on the end goal of sex or pleasing a partner, people can begin to refocus on the connection attachment theorists claim is the underlying motivation for sex without reproduction in the first place.”

Geralt swallowed hard. This was for him and he knew it. He’d said it himself, he was fucking terrified of failure and rejection and that absolutely extended to Jaskier. His husband. Of five years. Who’d been with him for ten. Logically it made no fucking sense, but the woman with the PhD had told him this was rather normal for a child of divorce as if he’d said he didn’t like horseradish sauce. He didn’t see how being scared of your spouse secretly hating you was normal in the slightest.

He glanced over at Jaskier who sat at the other end of the black leather sofa picking at his nails. When they’d gotten married they’d laze around all day just holding each other and talking. It was safe and sweet and Geralt couldn’t for the life of him remember how it was tainted.

“Alright,” he grunted, “What’re the rules again?”

The next afternoon they’d carved out an hour and a half with no distractions, no phones, not even any music to Jaskier’s dismay. Apparently that was against the ‘guidelines - not rules’.

They stood in their bedroom, lights dimmed and curtains drawn, as much for the ambiance as for the privacy. Geralt felt his stomach flip flop as he stepped out of his clothes, feeling a bit ridiculous. It’s not as if this was the first time they’d seen each other naked, but it was the first time they were to spend ‘as much time as necessary’ -whatever that meant- touching each other, one at a time.

Jaskier dropped his clothes in the laundry bin and stood with his arms crossed, almost like he was hiding, “Right. So… Do you want to go first? Maybe go over things again?”

“Do you want to go first?” Geralt asked, immediately drawing his bottom lip between his teeth to gnaw at the peeling skin.

“I just want to know why you look so scared, to be honest,” Jaskier breathed.

Geralt took a deep breath, reminding himself that he wasn’t the only one being vulnerable here, “Not scared. Just nervous.”

“Rules then?”

Geralt nodded, “No talking. No, uh, erogenous zones. No sex. No kissing. If you don’t like something or it’s a big turn on or it tickles, move the other person’s hand.” the weight in his chest lessened a little bit, this really was simple. Just touching Jask. Something he’d done a million times. Hell he might not even get anything out of it. He didn’t need to be so damned worried about things going wrong.

“If you get overwhelmed think about temperature and texture and how it feels. Don’t think about what the other person is thinking or feeling. The only bit that matters is moving their hand,” Jaskier added, his posture relaxing ever so slightly as he rocked up on his toes and back down.

Geralt stepped a little closer, holding out his pinky finger, “We don’t stay still if we don’t like something.” He said it more to reassure Jaskier than anything.

Jask hooked his pinky around Geralt’s and smiled, “No barreling through,” he agreed.

“Can I, uhm… go first?” Geralt kept their pinkies hooked together as he let their hands hang between them.

Jaskier looked surprised, but nodded fervently, “Of course!”

“Okay,” Geralt pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair before stepping a bit closer, hovering both of his hands over jaskier’s shoulders, “So I just-?”

Jaskier nodded and whispered, “No talking, love.”

Geralt let out an amused huff, the irony of the words bringing a soft smile to his face. He took a deep breath in and slowly let it out as he placed his hands over Jaskier’s arms.

Sensations. He could do this. He was doing this.

Jaskier’s arms were soft, both in texture and in feel, giving way to Geralt’s fingers ever so slightly when he squeezed. He trailed his hands down over Jaskier’s elbows, noting the patches of dry skin over the joints that Jask had been scandalized by in college. His forearms had more hair, but it was softer than Geralt’s, silky even, and nice to touch. Geralt trailed his fingers down Jaskier’s wrist and back up, watching as the little hairs stood on end but seemed to stick to the pads of his fingers as he moved past them. When he noticed the goosebumps he glanced up to Jaskier with mild panic in his eyes, worried he’d already fucked it up and made him uncomfortable. But his husband just nodded, a light smile on his lips.

Temperature. Back to task.

Geralt picked up Jaskier’s hand, holding it in one of his as he skimmed his fingers over his knuckles and calluses. His palms were warmer than the back of his hand and it seemed every spot where his skin had built up from use was just a tad colder than the thinner skin next to it.

He gently guided Jaskier’s hand back down and trailed his hand up his arm, ghosting his fingers over his collar bone. He thought about how much softer this skin was, and how it made the butterflies in his stomach go wild as he moved back and forth over the spot a few times. He liked the pleasant little pitfall of his stomach, not arousal but not unlike it, just a little higher in his abdomen and lighter. He moved his other hand to mirror his movement’s on Jaskier’s other shoulder, palms soon coming to rest over his chest almost on their own.

Geralt was so aware of his hands they almost felt numb. It made him think of one of those motor skills brain maps where it showed how much of your brain was devoted to moving which part of your body. Those huge chunks devoted to his hands must have been screaming.

Jaskier gasped as a bit of his chest hair got caught in Geralt’s ring as he swept his hands downward. Geralt gave him an apologetic look but just got a grin and slight shake of his head in return instead of the shock he expected.

Geralt continued, moving his hands in slow circles over Jaskier’s abdomen and hips and flanks, marveling at the warmth he felt not only under his hands but spreading through his chest. He let his hands rest above Jaskier’s hips, just at the bottom of his ribs and watched as his hands slowly moved apart and back together in time with Jaskier’s breath. It looked like such a small movement, but when he closed his eyes he felt like he was throwing his arms wide open. He tried matching his breathing to Jaskier’s, but that was close to overwhelming, so he moved on, refocusing on the texture and thickness of his chest hair as he moved up to his neck.

One of his hands stayed resting on Jaskier’s chest as his other brushed up the side of his neck with the backs of his fingers. Even with such light pressure he could feel the thick ropes of muscle and tendons under his skin. It was warmer over his pulse point and Geralt’s breath hitched when he felt the little thump of a heartbeat under his fingers. He closed his eyes for a moment, surprised to find himself taking a deep breath, not out of fear or frustration, but to sink into the feeling as much as he could. He counted the beats, making a note of how comforting the feeling was. The longer he held his fingers in place, the softer the beats became, until they leveled out to a soft and steady thrum.

When Geralt opened his eyes the beats picked up, matching the strange look on Jaskier’s face. Geralt moved his hand over his jaw and back a few times. He could almost hear the ridges of his fingerprints catching on Jaskier’s stubble as he traced over his upper lip.

He felt a soothing sense of familiarity when his fingers grazed along the outline of Jaskier’s lips. His body latched onto the feeling and he found himself starting to get watery eyes as he reacquainted himself with the thin pink skin. He remembered their first kiss and how much it scared him even though he craved it so completely. He remembered kissing Jaskier over and over and over when they’d finally said ‘i love you’ and dropped the casual pretense. He remembered their kiss at their wedding, soft, firm, and a little wet with happy tears.

An annoying voice that sounded an awful lot like their therapist sounded off in his head, “This is what I was trying to tell you, asshat. Focus on the positive.”

Geralt smiled despite the sharp tug behind his eyes that told him he might cry, and brushed his fingers up over the thin skin beneath Jaskier’s eyes, careful not to press hard enough to catch and pull at the blueish skin. He traced his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose, his cheekbones and hollows, his chin, and his cupid’s bow, all with that same surprisingly pleasant near-tears feeling in his chest. He watched Jaskier’s eyes watching him as he carded one hand through his hair.

That was what did it, what made the tears start to dribble down his cheeks as his hands continued to gently comb through his husband’s hair. The look of wonder and relief he was met with was overwhelming. He felt a bit of guilt, sure. Guilt for letting things get as bad as they’d been, but he was overwhelmed by how much love he felt. It permeated his whole body and the air around him. He hadn’t even felt this in the beginning; this was a settled and sure feeling, not the frantic need he’d felt before.

Geralt pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes, sending a fresh wave of tears over his cheeks as he brushed his hands over Jaskier’s back. He traced his spine, counted every rib, and outlined his shoulder blades with the tips of his fingers.

Their fronts were pressed together, but technically it wasn’t against any rule, so neither of them moved back. Geralt’s hands moved to the dip in Jaskier’s hips, his thumbs brushing over the place where his skin creased when he sat and Jaskier wrapped his hands around his wrists. A warm puff of air washed over Geralt’s face as Jaskier breathed a small laugh and moved his hands up. Surprisingly enough, Geralt was only amused by being moved, filing the information away for later as he settled for measuring Jaskier’s breaths again, now leaning into the full body tingle he felt when they both exhaled.

He wanted to stay right there for hours, but he suddenly wanted Jaskier to touch him. More than that, he wanted Jaskier to feel like him. He gave his sides a gentle squeeze as he straightened up and rocked back a bit, making the smallest bit of space between them.

“Switch,” he whispered, the soft sound coming out like crunching gravel in the charged silence.

He let his hands fall to his sides as he opened his eyes, a little relieved to see he wasn’t the only one crying.

Jaskier immediately reached up to cup Geralt’s cheeks and brush the tears away. It was odd, having to stay still when Jask was right there, when he could still feel the echoes of the sensations in his hands. But he stayed put, if for nothing else than the look of cautious excitement Jaskier was wearing.

He wanted to tell him there was no need, that he would gladly spend the rest of the day standing in the dim light of their bedroom, silently taking turns softly caressing each other. But rules were rules.

Jaskier drew his hands a little closer together over his cheeks, making sure all the tears were smudged away with his thumbs as Geralt’s eyes fluttered shut. The warmth of his hands was soothing, especially when Jaskier slowly brushed his thumbs over Geralt’s eyelids. As Jaskier dragged his fingers over Geralt’s chin and brushed the backs of his fingers back up and over his cheeks, Geralt almost started to feel dizzy. He forced his eyes open and focused on watching Jaskier’s face.

His tongue stuck out between his lips as his hands fluttered down his nose and to his lips. A wistful smile graced his features as he brushed over the chapped skin, pulling his bottom lip down just enough so when he let go it popped when it jumped back up to meet his top lip. Geralt tried not to smile, wanting him to do it again, but raised an eyebrow. Jaskier openly grinned and popped his lip a few more times before smoothing his thumb over it. He tucked some hair behind Geralt’s ear and cupped his hands around the base of his neck, gently pressing his thumbs into the tense muscles.

A shiver ran down Geralt’s back as Jaskier brushed his hands out and over his shoulders, thumbing circles over the points where muscle just barely covered bone. Geralt watched his eyes, watched the little crows feet get deeper when he smiled and watched his brows lift up and together.

It occurred to him then that Jaskier might have been just as lonely as he was, that the exuberant extrovert he’d married wanted this as badly as he did. It truly never crossed his mind until he saw it written plain as day on Jaskier’s face; he wasn’t the only one with insecurities in their relationship.

Every bone in his body wanted to pick Jaskier up and crush him to his chest. The trails of goosebumps his fingers left over his skin made it even harder not to, but Jask was enjoying this. He’d even go so far as to say he was lost in it. Rules be damned, Geralt couldn’t take this away from him if he’d wanted to.

When Jaskier’s hands ghosted over his navel he shivered and let his eyes flutter closed. If he wasn’t going to break and move he should at least lean into it.

However, being held without expectations, without needing, or even being allowed, to do or say anything in return was beginning to seem overwhelming. How had Jaskier just stood there and watched him? How could anyone just stand and constantly be told with the light brush of someone else’s knuckles over their cheek that they were desired and cherished? When the hands pressed to his chest told him over and over that he was loved, what kind of escape was there?

One of Jaskier’s hands once again brushed his tears away and he leaned into it, lip trembling as he looked up at the ceiling trying to compose himself. Jaskier would have none of it, gently tilting his head down until their noses brushed and he was forced to look into his watery blue eyes.

He needed this. Geralt was terrified but Jaskier’s expression spoke of a yearning that ran so deep even he probably couldn’t put a name to it. Geralt licked his lips and offered a watery smile, feeling warm relief when Jaskier smiled back and ran his hands down his arms to rest behind his elbows. He squeezed the meat behind his arms, the tops of his forearms, the tendons in his wrist, making his fingers involuntarily curl. Geralt didn’t move, he barely breathed, as Jaskier watched his own hands roam over Geralt’s like he’d never seen anything like it.

When he stopped trying to run the sensation faded to a dull roar. Jaskier’s hands were warm and his breath across his skin was gentle. Geralt might even admit he felt a little bit worthy of the adoration in his husband’s eyes after a few minutes.

Jaskier’s touches were light in some places, firm and grounding in others. Like when he circled his arms around Geralt and pressed his palms into the small of his back, resting his forehead where his collar bones met. Geralt had no idea how something so simple could make him feel so weak. He knew it wasn’t entirely true, but it felt like the only thing holding him up was Jaskier’s touch. When he rocked back, even if it was only an inch or so, Geralt had to fight not to follow him.

Jaskier rested his hands over his ribs, just above his elbows, and stared into his eyes.

They’d agreed to say ‘end’ with their therapist. That’s what Geralt was waiting for. So when Jaskier whispered ‘enough’ and gave him a gentle squeeze it was all he could do to bite down on his lip and keep quiet. Of course he would say enough. The one word Geralt had struggled with from day one. Being enough always felt impossible, but he could begin to think of it as a bit more attainable standing in their dim bedroom without a sound in the world other than their breathing.

He nodded and they both picked up their notepads and scribbled down the notes they were supposed to. Geralt’s was just a list of words but he didn’t care, he filled most of the page and chucked it on the bedside table before tugging on his sweats.

When he looked up for Jaskier he found him staring at him, worry on his brow and pen hovering over what looked like a second nearly full page.

“Do you, maybe want some tea while you write?”

He licked his lips and nodded, adjusting the blanket wrapped around his shoulders before going back to frantically scratching words onto his page.

Geralt gently closed the door after him and took a deep shaky breath as he padded into their bright kitchen, running his hands through his hair. The kettle seemed to take forever with how fast his mind was racing, replaying every bit he could to lodge it in his memory.

Jaskier was just closing his notebook and setting it on top of his laptop when he opened the door with his foot, careful not to spill any hot liquid on the carpet.

“Thank you,” Jaskier whispered, taking his cup and sitting at the foot of the bed.

Geralt joined him and draped an arm over his blanket wrapped shoulders, “Of course.”

They slurped at their mugs in silence until Geralt was able to take a full sip without scalding the roof of his mouth.

Jaskier’s voice was soft as he spoke, the air from his words interrupting the steam drifting up from his mug, “Can I ask you something?”

“Mhm,” Geralt leaned in just a hair.

“Why did you look up?” Jaskier rested his head on Geralt’s shoulder as he asked and it took Geralt a moment to remember he was supposed to answer.

“I…” he took a deep breath to pull his words together before he mis-stepped, “You stood still and watched me, and looked happy… and I wanted to do that for you… but I started crying again and I-hm. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t want to be there-here. Wherever.”

One of Jaskier’s hands drifted from his mug to Geralt’s thigh, “I was just worried.”

“Didn’t translate, huh?” Geralt asked, giving him a light squeeze.

“Not quite,” Jaskier chirped, almost giggling.

Geralt hummed and pressed a kiss to the top of Jaskier’s head, “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay. Now I know.”

There were a few more moments of silence before Geralt chuckled, “I didn’t realize your hips were so ticklish.”

Jaskier snorted, an attempt at sipping his tea absolutely aborted to save a spill, “I’ve never been ticklish, Geralt.”

Geralt set his tea on his knee and tilted Jaskier’s chin up to look at him, suddenly concerned, “What didn’t you like about me touching your hips?”

Jaskier’s goofy smile turned a little sly, “Absolutely nothing. In fact,” he started, taking both their half finished teas and setting them on the window sill before turning to envelop Geralt in the blanket with him, pulling him down onto the bed, “I liked it a bit too much.”

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blushing-titan · 3 years

Text

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about chapter 138 again, and I came to a few conclusions. First and foremost, I’m surprised at the amount of Mikasa’s fans who are happy about the possibility of the cabin vision being an actual AU. Mikasa has been one of my favorite characters pretty much since the beginning, but I feel like - if the AU is real - it’s a huge step back for her progress and general well-being. Let me explain my point below - warning, it’s pretty long! I’ll be using manga panels (I obviously don’t own them, all credits go to the author!), and there will be spoilers.

My perspective on Eremika

I’m a firm believer that Eren and Mikasa’s relationship is a bit too unhealthy for Mikasa, at least in it’s current state - to me, it’s clear as a day that it’s way too unbalanced. Mikasa just invests more in it - it’s been shown countless times, both in the manga and anime, that Eren’s safety and well-being is her top priority. He’s on her mind most of the times and she constantly wants to be near him - she thinks of him as her safe place and home.

But what about Eren? He’s often irritated and suffocated by her overprotectiveness. He’s quite a proud person who doesn’t want to be constantly saved - despite generally needing it sometimes. In my eyes, it’s another imbalance - Eren wants to be the strong one, but since Mikasa is just naturally better at that, he constantly feels belittled, like it’s a form of rivalry.

On top of that, throught the entire series Eren has his own set of dreams and goals that doesn’t necessarily always revolve around Mikasa - all while Mikasa makes up her plans and goals solely around Eren. She even admits that all she wants is just to be at his side.

What concerns me too, however, is that Mikasa often puts Eren’s safety and well-being over her own - and it’s something that she realizes.

Sometimes, Mikasa’s friends act as a voice of reason, but when someone tries to raise any objections or concerns against Eren, she usually backs him up or tries to rationalize his actions. In the example below, Jean is concerned about the scar that Mikasa got after she got attacked by Eren (right after Eren lost control over his titan in chapter 12).

On top of that, Mikasa can be very passive, and even uncritical when it comes to Eren’s more questionable actions. There are times in which the latter can get a bit too blunt, or even straight up mean, but Mikasa either protects him, tries to justify his actions or is literally immobilized by them - like in the scene in which Eren insults her and proceeds to fight Armin, who’s been trying to back her up. Notice how Mikasa is unable to stop Eren from continuously attacking Armin (when, a reminder, the latter one stood up for her), but immediately jumps in to stop Armin from attacking Eren. You can clearly see that even she is shocked by her reaction.

We can also see her being in denial about Eren’s hurtful actions later on. She doesn’t even want to talk about it when Jean brings it up:

She’s also still concerned and worried about Eren a few chapters later, after he had done and stated that he’s about to do terrible things - even at times when her other friends were endangered. This time, it’s Armin who tries to act as a voice of reason.

Now, before we get ahead of ourselves:

Do I think that Eren doesn’t care about Mikasa, or even hate her (as he said)? No - she’s obviously extremely important to him and he was definitely lying during the table scene. Personally, I’ve never seen him having any romantic feelings towards her, but that doesn’t mean anything - love doesn’t always have to be romantic and I 100% believe that she’s still someone who he holds very dear to his heart. There are many moments that show that he’s also very protective of her, and that - along with Armin - she’s one of the most important people in his life.

But my point still stands - aside from that, the relationship is just too unbalanced to be considered healthy, especially for Mikasa. Both Eren and Mikasa see it in different light, which often cause them to collide. I just can’t help but feel like Mikasa sacrifices too much for it, too - she often ends up jeopardizing her safety, constantly worries about Eren and clashes with her friends because of it. To some extent, Eren may be doing some of these things as well - but let’s be 100% honest, never nearly as much as Mikasa does. He fiercly protects her when she’s in danger and backs her up when he agrees with her, but at the end of the day he has his own goals and opinions. He doesn’t fixate himself with Mikasa nearly as much as Mikasa does it with him - he’s never jealous of anything but her skills, meanwhile she's often on alert when he’s around other girls. In the manga, she’s displaying jealousy over Annie and Historia, in the anime we can add Hanji to that pool, while in A.O.T. Wings of Freedom she’s also jealous of Sasha and even freckled Ymir - all while Eren remains oblivious and - in these situations, rightfully so - annoyed.

We know that there are reasons why Mikasa treats Eren like this. He obviously saved her life when they were children, but it’s also because she was strongly traumatized by losing both her biological family, and then people who took care of her right after that. It’s only natural that she does anything in her power to not go through that again...

...but it’s important to question if the way her relationship with Eren goes - how she commits to it 100% and how it affects her - is really the best way for her to heal and eventually live a happy life. I believe that Eren himself saw that it was becoming too toxic for Mikasa - and, considering that he actually cares for her and knows that he doesn’t have all the time in the world, he focused on making her move on. In my opinion, that’s why he wanted to push her away during the table scene. It’s also why he tried to get rid of the scarf that Louise brought to him. Even if the execution is far from perfect, he still wants what’s best for her, so he tries to put an end to enabling her unhealthy coping practices. He wants her to live a long, happy life.

Soooo...how does “the cabin AU” fit into all of this?

The answer is simple - it doesn’t. It’s a huge mixture and repetition of everything that’s harmful about Mikasa’s obsession with Eren. It’s a confirmation that Mikasa would be able to leave the entire world for 4 years of constant lying to herself. To betray her friends, leave everything behind, act as if everything was going to be okay and, in turn, make it all worse for herself. Because let me remind you one thing - Mikasa will go on living after Eren looses to the titan curse...but what will she do from now on? Will she stay in the cabin forever, alone and with no one to talk to - no one to share the pain after saying her final goodbye to Eren? Will she come back to the war-ridden world and face her old friends - like Armin who must have been frantically looking for her and Eren? Some of these friends may not want to have anything to do with her after all that - some may be already dead. Maybe there’s no place to go at all.

In my opinion, Eren being okay with this would ultimately prove that he doesn’t care about Mikasa’s wellbeing - and, as I’ve said before I just don’t think that’s the case at all.��On top of that, as stated in the beginning, it would serve as a regress of Mikasa’s character - she wouldn’t be able to overcome her weaknesses, which would only make her life harder in the long run. Therefore, I simply can’t accept this vision to be an AU. What do I think it was, then?

Mikasa believes in Eren’s good heart, despite all awful things he commits - she repeatedly says that he does it all for them - his friends...and yet she wants to believe that there must have been a way to not let it all happen. A part of her may be blaming herself, which is why she questions if she could have changed anything by giving him a different answer.

To me, it’s very obvious and I have to admit: I was horrified to see the amount of fans saying “If only she hadn’t family-zoned him, so many people would still be alive!”. Mikasa was NEVER to blame here and her answer should never have a force to change something like that. At the end of the day, it was Eren’s decision to go on with the rumbling, and I hate to see Mikasa (and the fans, too!) putting any blame for it on her.

In conclusion, I really believe that the vision was Mikasa’s daydream - most likely created as a coping mechanism since at this point she knew what was about to happen - what she had to do. Not any AU flashback, but rather a poor, traumathised girl trying to come to terms with the cruel reality - and ultimately reclaiming her strength. In her mind, she comes back to her safe place for a few moments, just to get a bit of comfort - a place where she and Eren live peacefully and safely. In fact, the panel below may suggest that she was dreaming about something similar ever since the training days:

I also believe that, at some point, Eren enters that dream - perhaps somehow through paths, or is sent there by Ymir. There, he once again reminds Mikasa that he wants her to live long, be free and forget about him.

I think in the end, Mikasa rejects that fake utopia, finally understanding that it could never happen and it was not her fault. She accepts the reality as it is and stops rationalizing Eren’s actions. She also comes to terms with her feelings towards him, but won’t let it cloud her judgement anymore. She will remember him and cherish these memories forever, but acknowledges that it has gone too far - she chooses humanity, the world and finally: a long, happy life for her. Just like Eren would want for her.

This time, Mikasa wraps the scarf around herself.

If you’re here, wow - thank you so much for reading, it means a lot! I’m sorry for any mistakes I’ve made while writing - English is not my first language and I didn’t really have anyone to beta-read this long wall of text xd Hope I made my points clear - and just to clarify, my text is not an invitation for any ugly Mikasa haters. As I’ve said before, she’s one of my favorite characters and I hope for the best for her - she’s been through so much, poor girl needs a break :C

#anti eremika #mikasa ackerman #eren jeager #snk 138 #snk spoilers #snk 139 #eremika rant #Mikasa shouldn't exist just for toxic shipping ok #snk theory #snk ending #snk leaks #mikasa

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