#i told myself I wasn't going to post it here too but I couldn't help myself OTL I'm just smitten with albedo and djkajcisjdks

[dourpeep]

"To join them above the waves and discover the lands beyond would be my greatest joy"

- The Little Merbedo, probably

Please do not repost my art!

#dourdoodles #albedo #albedo kreideprinz #mermaid au #merbedo #genshin impact #genshin impact fanart #genshin impact albedo #i told myself I wasn't going to post it here too but I couldn't help myself OTL I'm just smitten with albedo and djkajcisjdks

[captainsophiestark]

Come Here Often?

Cassian x Reader

Masterlist - Join My Taglist!

Written for my personal fic writing challenge for 2024, Sophie's Year of Fic! Featuring a new fic being posted every Friday, all year long :)

Fandom: A Court of Thorns and Roses

Summary: Everyone in the Inner Circle knows Cassian and Y/N have feelings for each other, except the two idiots in question. Thankfully, the IC's not known for minding their own business, especially in matters like this.

Word Count: 1,772

Category: Fluff, Humor

Putting work into an AI program without permission is illegal. You do not have my permission. Do not do it.

"Are you sure you don't want to go see a show at the Ampitheater tonight?" I asked, trying to give Mor a guilt trip with no more than a look as we carried bags towards the river house. She just scoffed at my attempt.

"I already told you, I can't. I wish I could, but our lovely High Lord has me doing work all night tonight."

I huffed. "Fine. Let me know if I can do anything to help with the work, since I'm losing my theater buddy."

Mor shot me a grin. "I'm sure you could find somebody to replace me if you really wanted to."

I narrowed my eyes at her. I knew what she wasn't saying: that I should invite Cassian. To do something, if not to go to the amphitheater. I regretted ever telling her I'd caught feelings for the Illyrian general.

"Whatever, Mor," I scoffed, failing to come up with a better comeback. She grinned, clearly sensing her victory, but luckily for me I'd reached my room. "Enjoy all that work you have to do tonight!"

I didn't wait for her response before ducking through the door and shutting it behind me. I could hear her laughing as she continued down the hallway to her own room, but I did my best to block it out as I dropped my bags.

I hovered a little longer in my room, taking my time putting away the things we'd brought back from the market, until I heard Mor leave to go do whatever work Rhys had her doing. I checked both ways in the hallway when I finally emerged before heading down to the kitchen.

All of my friends had been hounding me about Cassian lately, and as much as I loved them, if I heard another word from anyone trying to nudge me into asking him out or whatever, I was going to lose it.

I made my way towards the kitchen, intending to make myself a snack before figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my evening, but I stopped short at the sound of harsh whispers coming from within. It sounded like somebody was having a heated conversation, and I didn't want to interrupt anything. But then my stomach rumbled, and I decided to go in anyway.

I cleared my throat and made as much noise as possible so I wouldn't interrupt any Inner Circle members in the middle of something serious. When I rounded the corner, I found Cassian and Azriel sitting at the table in the middle of the space, leaned back in their chairs and trying way too hard to look casual.

"Hey guys..." I said, eyeing them both suspiciously as I slowly moved further into the room. Az gave me a little nod, and Cassian gave me a smile that looked more than a little forced. "What, uh... what are you both up to?"

"Rhys needs my help with something," Azriel said, standing abruptly. I narrowed my eyes at him, but of course his expression gave away nothing as he headed for the door. "I'll see you both later."

I watched him go, then turned my gaze to Cassian once Az was gone. His back was to me, so I couldn't read his expression, but his shoulders were tensed and he hadn't turned from the doorway Az had disappeared through.

"Okay..." I said, deciding to just move past it as I turned to the counter to start making myself a snack. "What about you, Cass, you got anything going on tonight?"

Cassian cleared his throat. "Me? Nope."

I heard him shifting in his chair behind me, and a moment later he was standing at my side. I prayed he couldn't hear my heart racing faster at his proximity as I tried to keep my focus on the fresh fruit in front of me.

"So, uh, you..." Cassian's wings rustled behind him, usually a sign of nerves. I frowned. "You come here often?"

I paused, setting the knife down and opting to slowly turn to face Cassian, one eyebrow raised. He fidgeted as he stared back at me, and I caught him forcing a grimace off his face in favor of a small smile. I'd never seen him look so nervous before.

"I... Cass, we both live here."

The grimace returned in full force, and I couldn't help smiling as Cassian brought a hand to his forehead.

"That's not what I meant to ask you," he said, shaking his head and meeting my eyes again. "What I meant was, uh... do you have a bandage?"

"A bandage? Did something happen? Did you get hit-"

"Dammit! No, I'm fine. Never mind, I need to go find Az-"

He started to push off the counter, but on a reflex, I stopped him with a hand on his forearm. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me, and my heart almost stopped in my chest at the intensity of his gaze.

I quickly pushed down the butterflies in my stomach to give Cassian a once-over. No matter what he said, he clearly was not fine. I didn't see any obvious physical injury, but a hard hit to the head would definitely explain some things, and when I met his eyes again he had a weird look in them.

"Cassian, are you sure you're okay? What's going on?"

He took a deep breath and then hesitated, his eyes darting over my face and his brow furrowed. Then, he sighed, his face and shoulders relaxing with him.

"I'm sorry, I just... I was trying to ask you out." My eyebrows shot up, but Cassian continued before I could muster a coherent response. "I've been wanting to do it for a while now, but I lost a bet to Az last week and my 'punishment' that I finally had to go through with it. I've been trying to figure out the best way to do it, but... I guess that wasn't it."

Cassian huffed a little laugh at himself, his expression drooping as he stared at the ground. I just blinked at him for a few seconds, trying to process everything he'd just told me.

"Hold on... you're asking me out because you lost a bet to Az?"

"Not just for that," Cassian assured me quickly, looking worried. "Or, I guess, if you're not into it, then maybe yes?"

I just laughed, which didn't seem to make him feel better. I felt guilty, but I also just couldn't help it. My heart leapt as I put a hand on Cassian's shoulder and his eyes snapped to mine again.

"Cass... I barely escaped that exact same bet with Mor last week."

His brows furrowed. "What?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing a little. I couldn't quite help it. Cassian apparently felt the same way about me as I did about him, as evidenced by our friends' ridiculous tactics. My heart soared, and I stepped a little closer to him. "I cheated a little to get out of losing, but she's been pressuring me to ask you out somewhere anyway for the last week and a half."

"Because... you like me?"

"Yeah. A lot."

The frown finally lifted from his face, replaced with a beaming grin that made my heart race. Slowly, he moved one arm to wrap around my waist, pulling me a little closer to him. I let one hand rest against his chest, and Cassian's lopsided smirk almost made me faint.

"Our friends are going to be rubbing this in for a long time, but I can't make myself care," he said, voice low. I bit my lip and smiled up at him.

"Same. Especially since I think they're all out of the house right now on a fake assignment for Rhys."

"That's definitely a perk of all their bullshit."

"So... what now?"

Cassian's eyes flashed as he leaned forward, pulling me flush against his chest. He dropped his mouth towards mine until they were barely inches apart, then met my eyes. Based on his grin, I knew he could hear my heart beating out of my chest.

"I have a few ideas," he breathed.

A heartbeat later, his lips were on mine, and fireworks exploded in my chest. Being with Cassian like this just felt right, and now that we were finally together, I never wanted to let him go.

I wasn't sure who initiated it, but we deepened the kiss as Cassian's grip tightened on my waist. I let my hands wander over his chest, to his shoulders and arms, but stopped dead in my tracks when I heard a disgusted scoff from behind me.

Cassian and I broke apart, arms still around each other, and turned towards the door to find our friends standing there, staring at us with their hands on their hips.

"Well, I guess this is what we wanted," said Mor with a shrug.

"Pretty sure I told him to ask her out, not make out with her in the kitchen," Az chimed in from beside her. Rhys and Feyre just grinned at us, while Amren stared, clearly unimpressed.

"Do you all mind?" Cassian ground out, his hands tightening a little more around my waist. Mor just grinned and skipped into the kitchen completely undisturbed, heading for my unfinished fruit platter.

"Not at all," she said. Cassian sighed, but I couldn't keep myself from laughing. Our friends were absolutely ridiculous, but I loved them dearly. And Cassian and I had just made out in the kitchen, so I really don't think much in this world could've ruined my mood.

"Why don't the two of you go see a show or something?" Feyre suggested, following Mor into the kitchen, the other batboys following behind her. Cassian narrowed his eyes at his brothers, but I just smiled, at last stepping out of his grasp and taking his hand.

"That's a great idea, Feyre. Cass? What do you think?"

His expression softened the minute his gaze shifted to me. My heart melted.

"Sure. How about we go to Rita's after, too? Do some dancing?"

"Sounds like a plan. Just let me go get changed."

"I'll meet you back down here."

We shared a smile, and I leaned up to give Cassian one last quick kiss before turning on my heel to go get ready. Rhys and Az both smiled at me as I left the room, and I shot them a wink as I left. I would've preferred it if they'd all given Cassian and I our space tonight, but at the end of the day, we wouldn't have admitted our feelings for each other without our nosy, pushy friends. So I couldn't exactly stay mad at them, at least not this time.

****************

Everything Taglist: @rosecentury @kmc1989

#sophie's year of fic #a court of thorns and roses #cassian #cassian x reader #a court of thorns and roses fanfiction #a court of thorns and roses oneshot #a court of thorns and roses imagine #acotar #cassian fanfiction #cassian imagine #cassian oneshot #acotar fanfiction #acotar oneshot #acotar imagine #acotar x reader #morrigan #azriel #the inner circle #the night court #rhysand

[mikwaa]

I'll always miss you, you will shine like gold in my memory.

Zhongli x Reader

Wc: 2.7k

Warnings: Angst, hurt no comfort, reader dies. Toxic relationship, Morax is an idiot brute, this is set in the Archon war, reader is a warrior.

A/n: I had this draft written here a while ago, decided to post it because it's one I really like. As the old Morax is described as a more rough and ruthless person, I imagine that for him to change there had to be a major event. And so I ended up writing this, maybe I'll do another ending because I genuinely don't like sad endings, but it went together so well I decided to leave it like this.

"Morax, please listen to me." And there you were, in one of those endless fights with your husband.

The reason this time was that you had found a group of people, begging for a place to stay, since they were wandering around. This group had been exiled from Sumeru, the reasons were not yet clear, nor did they know why. There were children, elders, even young pregnant women, you couldn't just ignore them and let them die.

And you had offered them a home in the Guili Plains, the place where the Liyue population was housed. But Morax did not accept, nor did he seem to want to change his mind.

"I've said what I think, and I'm not going to change it." And he didn't even look at you, on the contrary, he walked even faster to distance more from you.

"Can you stop being so irreverent?" You quicken your steps and stand in front of him, stopping him from moving forward.

He narrowed his eyes in your direction, his face turning into an angry frown, "I told you, don't make me repeat myself. If you choose to save those people, you can forget about coming back. I don't want you around." His words were sharp as blades, wounding as such.

And seeing his face without a drop of expression, without a single regret. How could he say such impactful things as if they were nothing?

"How can you talk like that? I'm your spouse, I'm just trying to help." You could already feel tears forming in your eyes, he always acted like a brute, but there were times you couldn't even handle it.

"You can help me by protecting my people, not by harboring strangers." The coldness with which he spoke to you was abysmal, it didn't even seem like you had any kind of relationship.

"They are people too, they have feelings too. They are afraid to die, they are simply out in the open."

"I care what's mine, we're in a war, we can't save everyone. And I chose to take care of what is mine, my territory together with my people". He states, with that usual stoic face. With that arrogance and selfishness that would drive anyone crazy with rage.

"So that's still a no?" Breathing heavily you ask him one last time, the hope you had of him giving in had simply vanished.

"It was always a no. If you're going to keep talking about it, you can save both your time and mine." Snide and sharp, he never seemed to change.

"Then you won't want me here anymore, I suppose." To his surprise, you wouldn't give up. You would keep your word no matter what.

"Go ahead." Nothing more, not a sentimentality, nothing. Just treating you like you were just another one of his pawns, like you were just another one in the crowd.

A hot tear ran down your face, your heart burning as if it had been recently scalded.

"Are you really going to treat me like this? Like I'm nothing to you, and this ring means nothing?" You removed the ring, holding it with trembling hands.

The engagement ring, which he had made for you himself, was so beautiful. With jade detailing all over the ring, and even more precious was the message it had, 'It will always be you'. According to him, it was to show how much you meant to him.

And now? Were those beautiful words just thrown to the wind?

He huffed, looking incredibly upset and tired of this situation, but he didn't show you anything, he wasn't sad, sorry, guilty, nothing. As if none of this mattered.

"Have it your way." Completely indifferent he mumbles.

"Okay." You threw the ring away, without even looking at where it went," If it meant nothing to you, it meant nothing to me."

Now he seemed to take some notice of you, but was clearly displeased.

But there was no time for him to talk or complain to you, you ran out of there. He wanted to go after you, but the pride he carried in his chest was stronger.

A feeling of guilt invaded his heart, but he still wouldn't let his feelings get the better of him, because he believed that you would go back on your decision.

You wouldn't exchange him for a group of people you barely know, but that was exactly the point he didn't understand. It wasn't that he wouldn't help you, it was the way he dealt with certain issues. He was so focused and objective, that should be good, but it wasn't the case with him.

He always complained that you think too much about others, just as you complain that his behavior is often harsh and hostile. He believed that you would come back, but he was wrong, very wrong.

it had been three weeks since you had even dared to look at each other. He couldn't swallow his pride, and neither could you. That arrogance and selfishness he possessed could get on anyone's nerves, and you were not immune to it.

No matter how many times you tried to make him understand that things were not practical as he claimed they were, he would never understand, he was a real brute.

And that was the last straw for you, people were not objects that he could control as and when he wanted, and he didn't seem to want to understand that.

You had left the village, and had no desire to return. You had tucked yourself away in a simpler hut and in a place you suspected Morax wouldn't go near. Even though you loved him so much, you doubted if he would ever change.

It was so many doubts mixed with the anger you felt about the things he said, you took it out on the monsters you met in front of you, without letting a single one escape.

With quick and precise blows, you used your blade with an unmistakable dexterity. But even this was not enough for what would happen next. A monster that you didn't even know what it was hit you, and ended up hurting you.

You didn't even know where it came from, you didn't even have time to react. Your body heaved and you fell to the grass abruptly, as you felt a sharp pain run through your entire body.

And when you managed to stabilize yourself and look at the monster, it was no longer there. It had already turned to dust.

"You with this stubbornness. You can't even take care of yourself." From the familiarity in his voice, it wasn't hard to guess that it was your husband.

"Shut up." You mustered the strength to speak, it seemed as if your strength was draining away second by second.

Even in such a state, the weakness and frailty you were in didn't seem to make any commotion in Morax.

"If you knew you wouldn't be like this." So cold, so distant. Every word of his hurt so much.

How could he be so indifferent? So cruel.

"You won't even see your spouse? You won't even try to take care of me?" Even though you tried to sound strong and imposing, all that came out was a shaky, tired voice.

"I'm no specialist in this. Go find help somewhere else, I told you I don't want you around." It wasn't just anger, it was a feeling of someone who had been defied, you hadn't followed his orders, and he was hating you for it.

You had traded him, that's what he had in mind, but you didn't leave because of that. You loved him like crazy, and you had helped him in many ways. But he still needed to think more about others, trust humans more.

To learn to understand that people were not just pawns that he moved when and how he wanted, it was far from that. And now he was experiencing the fact that someone might not follow his orders, and that someone was you.

He went to look over his shoulder one last time, as he began to notice a pool of blood starting to form around you, he hurried his steps over to you.

"I have to take you, the healers will help." Bending down close to you he whispers. The sudden change in behavior that soon showed his desperation.

"You know they won't, there's nothing else to do." You couldn't control the tear that welled up in your eye.

It had been a very deep wound, you didn't need any healer to tell you that you were hopeless, the village was far away, there would be no time to get there. Several other warriors had died like this, and it would be no different with you.

His stoic expression turned to one of terror, his pride gone in a matter of minutes.

"Don't talk foolishness." He nestles you in his arms, carrying you so gingerly that it seemed he was afraid of hurting you with the slightest touch.

"Leave me here," he opened his mouth to protest, and you continued, "Please."

He propped you up on his chest, wrapping you in the clothes of his own body, so that you were properly protected.

"Why are you so stubborn? I can't understand you." For the first time you heard him speak in a broken voice, he was trying not to cry.

"I just want to save time, you know you don't have much to do." You gently caress his face.

He wanted to tell you so much, but he couldn't put it into words, ever.

"I shouldn't have acted like that." Finally, he admitted it. But now it was too late for any regrets.

You intertwined your fingers with his, smiling faintly. He could feel your strength fading little by little, and he could do nothing.

You were too fragile, just like all humans. And he could do nothing.

Nothing.

He couldn't believe it, how could a being as powerful as him be so powerless like that? That shouldn't be right, but it was.

"Please stay." He pleads, but how could you fulfill that request? His voice was so shaken it sounded almost unrecognizable.

For the first time he was losing one of his partners, he had always protected them all as best he could, and none of them had gone so far. But the first was you, his first big loss was you. How would he be able to handle it? No, he couldn't.

"I will never forget your eyes, they are so beautiful." You say softly, almost inaudible.

And he let a tear escape, all the armor he had made in his heart had broken, and he couldn't control it. It was the love of his life leaving, all he could do was watch, how could he be so useless at a time like this?

"Stay, keep your eyes open, I'll get help, I'll…" Not even he himself believed his own words, much less believed that you could save yourself.

He felt so much guilt, how could he have been so negligent? He had never been very sentimental, but now he felt it all at once.

He could hardly describe his exact feeling, because he had no exact feeling. Now he understood all the human emotions you spoke of, a pity he could only understand now, on your deathbed.

The birds were singing, it was a beautiful day, the sun had the most beautiful glow. And yet Morax was there, on the grass with you in his arms, crying in despair like never before. The blood that stained the green of the vegetation, and the pain that remained impregnated in Morax's soul.

And then, like one of those tricks played by fate, everything fell silent. Morax sobbed softly, and made one last plea, "Don't leave me, I really care for you. I love you, stay here." He held your hand tightly, seeing how small it was compared to his.

It was the first time he had been that clear, he had never really opened his heart to you, a shame that the first time he said 'I love you', you were no longer there to hear it.

And as soon as he realized it, a faint cry was all that came out of Morax's mouth, followed by an audible sob. He realized that you died there, nestled in his arms, holding his hand, so angelic.

His beloved had left him, eternally.

Millennia had passed since your death, 3.800 years to be exact. Yet this hurt Morax so much that he was never able to forget you.

Even though he left the Archon life aside, now going by another name, Zhongli, and leading a more modest life as a simple Liyue citizen, the memories he had with you were vivid, shining like gold in his memory.

He martyred himself every day, he blamed himself, a guilt that he would never be able to eliminate from his chest, he would give everything, even his life for you to come back.

And today this feeling was stronger than ever, because it was the day of your death, the day you left him alone in this world. Another year had passed, and even so it seemed like yesterday when you died, at least that's how Morax felt.

And as he did every year, he bought your favorite flowers, picked them carefully to make sure that you would like them. Plus he provided the wine of his choice, it was the only thing that made his mind clear on a day like this, even if he wasn't very used to all that drinking.

When he was ready, he went to your tomb, which was made in the Guili Plains, the place where everything began, and also where everything ended. He always kept your grave clean, after all he visited you every day, no matter how hectic his routine could be, he would always come to your grave daily.

"I missed you, my dear." He says these words to the wind, anyone passing by would think he was crazy, but he didn't care.

He always spent hours talking to you, talking about everything that had changed, and how he had changed. He always thought that no matter where you were, you could always hear him.

Gently he put the flowers on the grave, and sat down on the floor, while pouring himself some wine. "I just wanted to remind you that I love you, more than anything else."

On a day like today, he wouldn't even try to hold back the tears, or the pain in his chest. He caught himself thinking how proud you would be to see the progress Liyue had made, how beautiful the city looked now.

He wanted to show you that he understood what you said in the last minutes of your life, he wanted to show you that you had become a better person. This was due to a great influence of yours, who now was not here to accompany him on this journey.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything I did, my beloved. You would think it magnificent the way everything has progressed, how humans could achieve so much." His voice choked, his face red as the tears came down without stopping.

'His beloved' , was so sweet when it came out of his lips, but so melancholy by the look in his eyes, those gentle golden eyes that expressed so much sorrow.

A love ended in such a way could hurt so much, and Morax knew it. He had experienced it so harshly, but he stood firm to keep the nation you two had fought so hard for standing, and he would keep fighting because he thought it was the way to repay you for all you had done for him.

Every time he remembered you crumbling in his arms, his heart squeezed in such a way. Your face paled along with your frail body, looking as if it would break at any moment. And with that he remembered how much he missed you in his arms, your laughter, the warmth of your body, your beautiful face.

He missed it all, and remembered these moments bitterly, but also joyfully, because he remembered when you were still with him.

He would protect the people at all costs, and keep everything safe as long as he was alive, he would watch over everything you believed in. He would gladly do this for the rest of his days.

Now all he could do was wait, wait for him to take his last breath. And then finally, finally he could meet you, and tell you everything that happened during those years.

#genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin x you #genshin imagines #genshin x y/n #zhongli x reader #zhongli x y/n #zhongli #zhongli imagines #genshin angst #zhongli angst #zhongli x you

[fangswbenefits]

getting this off my chest

I really, really love writing for this fandom.

I think I haven't felt like this in years.

Astarion is such an enticing vessel for my creativity and has rekindled my joy for writing and putting it out there.

Alas, imposter syndrome really gnaws at my nerves more often than I care to admit.

"But Ruby, you have so many people who like your work. Why do you doubt yourself?"

Because I grew up being told I was never enough. That I was the worst at what I did best, which back then was learning English and surrounding myself in the language, hence why I sought comfort in fanfiction.

My sister, whom I love dearly, is an English teacher. She would be so harsh on me, and I know she meant well. She really did. But it was so hard back then. I would come to her with creative writing in English and she would just roll her eyes and tell me I wasn't good enough.

Nowadays, she acknowledges that I am more proficient than her and more at ease with the language, and even tells my nephew to study English with me instead.

But back then, I needed someone to believe I could do better.

So, there is a part of me that is proud that I am able to deal with real-life fatigue by writing and finding enjoyment in this hobby. But a much darker part of me tells me I'm not worthy and that I simply got lucky.

The Arrangement means a lot to me. I tend to dive right into fandoms and start writing for the character that caught my eye.

But I couldn't do that for Astarion... I am still unsure why. For those of you who have been here from my Miguel O'Hara days or when I first started posting about Astarion, you'll know The Arrangement was the first thing I ever posted for him.

Took me 2 weeks to get the first chapter out because I kept thinking I couldn't find a voice for Astarion. One that felt like him. After all, I'm always a step behind because I am not a native speaker. There will always be that looming feeling that I can't convey this story properly.

Even if you now know me for my Astarion smut, that wasn't even the driving force of my love for him.

It took me 2 months to feel comfortable writing smut for him. Why? I don't even know.

But The Arrangement feels different.

I love writing it and I love taking my liberties with the plot.

It's my opportunity to fully showcase my love for him.

I know not everyone likes it. I know some of you have dropped it. Some of you will drop it. But some will walk along this path with me, and I can't stress enough how your feedback and love help keep these negative thoughts at bay.

It's an internal work, though. It is not your job to validate my writing skills. This is not what puts food on my table. I am not looking to be published. I am looking for an escape. And it's so frustrating when my mind tries to rob me of joy even when it comes to a hobby.

"If this is a hobby why does it matter what others think or if they like what you write? Just have fun. Write for yourself."

And I do write for myself, but I share my work because I am hopeful my words can make someone's day. I seek that connection I never had growing up. Perhaps it sounds silly, but it's what makes the most sense in my head.

The Arrangement should be my pride and joy even if not perfect (nothing ever is, I suppose). And I'm exhausted of not feeling proud of it. I'm tired of this vicious cycle of self-doubt.

Don't get me wrong. I love writing smut. I think that's what I'm best at (well, in my opinion). I love exploring Astarion this way, too, but...

I don't know where I'm going with this... if anyone has made it this far, thank you, and sorry for the word vomit...

#ruby rambles ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾

[b0xerdancer-writes]

It Wasn't Supposed To Happen Like This Part 3

Eris x Rhy's Sister! Reader

Summary: Eris used to be attached at the hip to Rhysand’s younger sister. Now that he has taken over as High Lord of the Autumn Court, his father’s old high table have been pressuring him to take a wife, he comes up with the brilliant lie that hes already courting someone and has been for several years now. Eris asks Rhysand’s little sister, the best way to get away with it and make it believable, to fake court her.

Warnings: Elain and Mor slander (I love Mor but it’s a plot point for later on I promise!), cussing 18+, some nsfw lean but no sex scenes yet, alcohol.

Trope/Prompt: Fake Dating

Word Count: 4,941

Notes: Part 3 is here, bit of a shorter chapter but im happy with where I left it off at, lots of Lucien and Eris bonding this chapter. Enjoy sweet affectionate drunk Eris. Not proofread at all. I posted this on my break. Posted on wrong account earlier oops!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You promised me we could go dance when I got back.” Happily intoxicated and finally relaxed, he wrapped his arms around me surrounding me with his scent of firewood and cinnamon. 

Lucien gave me an apologetic look from over Eris’s shoulder, as Eris nuzzled into my neck and hummed sweetly. A blush crept to my face at the overly affectionate display from the eldest Vanserra brother. His breath fanned across my collarbone as purred against me and I couldn’t help but feel an ache in my chest wishing for this to be a regular thing that I got to experience, but I was drawn from my spot as the forms of Azriel and Rhys talking with the other reentered Rita’s. I tapped Eris lightly on the shoulder and he made a hum of acknowledgement, his honey amber eyes seeking out my own  as he moved to pull me towards the floor. 

Just as I moved to stand myself I felt a squeeze of my hand from Mor, who was giving me a look that was a mix of sympathetic and apologetic.

 “I..,” she looked down into her lap where her other hand rested. “I never meant to lie, and I never meant for it to get so out of control like it is now. I, just, I’m sorry. I mean it. For what happened.”

I gave her a soft smile and squeezed back, biting back any bitter remarks that echoed in my brain after all these years of holding contempt against her. “Hey, no worries. We all have to do and say things to get by.”

She smiled softly back at me and moved her hand from mine into her lap as she let Eris pull me to the dance floor. She took a sip of wine and her shoulders deflated as Azriel and Rhys slid into the booth with her. Lucien had moved to the bar talking with the bartender there, though I couldn't see if he was ordering another drink or not. 

Eris pulled me close to him away from the prying eyes of the inner circle as he put his hands around my waist and tucked me into his chest, a slight rumble echoing there that I could only feel through the music.  The music was a slower one then what normally came from the live bands that rotated through, and Eris used it to his advantage as he leaned down to whisper in my ear, a small tilt of curiosity in his voice.

He brought my wrist up to his lips and pressed them to the small tattoo barely bigger than a fingernail. “What kinda deal did you make with her, hmm?” 

I moved to cup his face with the same hand he kissed. “You're too far gone to understand the significance of what it means right now if I told you.” I smiled softly, moving to pull him with the music as it began picking up into a faster beat, a new song.

He raised a brow at me with a cocky, sarcastic, yet relaxed look on his face. Mischief danced in his eyes, I’d never get used to how good that looked on him.

“I’m sure even in my haze I’ll understand.” He smirked as he pulled me tight against him, a move that was influenced by a mix of the music and trying to lure me into giving him what he wants; A move I knew all too well, that managed to bring me to my knees everytime.

I sighed as I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down so he could hear me over the pounding music. “It was a deal to get her to stop slandering you so much, I didn;t even think it was going to be a deal. Think she made it so I would understand how much she was sorry for everything she did.”

His eyes twinkled, as a smile bloomed on his face that made him practically glow. He cupped my face with both hands, eyes locking with mine. “You stood up for me again? Made a whole bargain just so I wouldn’t be slandered?”

I nodded and he purred loud enough I could hear it even with the blaring music. My heart skipped a beat as he dropped my face and pressed my body into his, leaning down to whisper into my ear.

“Darling,” he mused “I will never be able to repay you for all the favors you do for me. Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to my temple before he spun me around and pressed my back against his chest with a smirk.

“Plus, when you defended me against Azriel’s words earlier it was pretty hot little fox~.” He purred into my ear, blush crept into my cheeks and I spun out of his hold. 

He’s just drunk. There was no meaning behind his words really, just trying to get a rise out of me. “Get it together Eris, quit playing these games of yours.” I rolled my eyes and he let out a childish giggle.

“Okay, Okay fine. You win.” He surrendered but the mischief in his eyes wasn't gone.

He took my hand in his and spun me into him grabbing at my hands to lift me into his arms, my legs instinctively wrapped around his hips. He smiled wickedly at me, cheers erupted around us as the song came to a dramatic close. My eyes scanned the crowd behind Eris, everyone must have been watching us dance, he had managed to pull me into the center of the floor without me realizing. 

He smirked at me and I leaned in to whisper into his ear. “Sly fox.”  

His hand that supported my weight on my ass was a searing heat against me though he wasnt using any of his power. I jumped from his grasp to pull him into a quick bow. I was going to need several more drinks if this was how the night was going to proceed, sly remarks and lingering touches all masked under the influence of alcohol. 

Song after song played and we let eachother lose ourselves in the others' touches and remarks. Fuck it, if this was temporary I was bound and fucking determined to enjoy what attention like this I could get from my mate, even if he didn’t know that little fact he seemed to be enjoying it just as much as I was. Eventually as the night grew later I felt Rhys’s claws against my shields and I greeted him with a grumble for interrupting.

“Heading home, Feyre is starting to miss Nyx. Have fun, but not too much fun. Sorry for earlier I should have stepped in, I know you wouldn’t have let anyone talk about Feyre like that in my absence.” I felt his power rub against my conscience apologetically, it felt sad and remorseful.

“Have a goodnight Rhys, tell Feyre night for me too.” I laughed softly. “Don’t worry Rhys, I'll be good. I wont say it’s okay cause its not and your right but I’ll forgive you brother. I love you, have a goodnight.”

“I will, love you too.” He slipped out of my thoughts with an affectionate caress and my shields slid back into place.

As I returned my attention to Eris he was pouting, brows furrowed as he looked into my eyes. “What’s wrong Eris?” 

He let out a huff like a child throwing a tantrum. “Tell Rhys to leave you alone, it's us time.” 

I smiled and wanted to laugh at his childish behavior but bit it back as I smoothed out his hair. “Don’t worry you poor thing, he's gone now, he was just apologizing and saying good night.”

He pouted further when I called him a poor thing and it made me smile softly, a warmth blooming in my chest, but once he noticed my full attention was back on him he perked up. We danced for a while longer till the alcohol seemed to lessen from his system and he deflated as he held me close. 

“I have to go back to Autumn soon.” He sighed, dropping his forehead to my shoulder. 

I couldn’t stand seeing him upset. “Welcome back to the land of the coherent.” I joked trying to cheer him up and I felt him smile against me.

“Thank you, I mean it. You always put me first and I’ll never be able to repay you for all of it.” He mumbled into my shoulder.

I rubbed at his shoulders as he leaned against me for a moment before I began pulling him off the dance floor. “I gotta close out our tab but then we can go relax for a bit before you have to leave, okay?”

He nodded, eyes not glimmering nearly as much as they had been and my heart ached for him. I pulled him with me to the bar, the tender busy making drinks told us it would be a minute before he could get to us. Eris bid his time wrapping his arms around my waist and buried his face in between my shoulders. I held his hands that were firmly clasped around me with one of mine as I finally closed our tab out. He growled under his breath when I made him release me so we could leave the bar and I swatted his hand softly with a giggle. 

“You big teddy bear, we do have to leave the bar you know? You wanna go to the house of the wind? Or I actually share an apartment with Lucien in the city we can go there?” I crooned at him and felt him giggle into my shoulder.

“-partment” He cut himself off as he mumbled into my back.

“Wanna winnow or walk?” I rubbed at his forearm softly connecting the freckles that littered his skin.

“Walk, I don't know if I can winnow without getting sick.” He looked up from my shoulder, only his eyes showing over my shoulder. The gold and orange flecks in his amber eyes illuminated by the faelight signs behind the bar advertising the different brands they carried.

My breath caught in my throat as I entwined my hand with his and led him from the bar. He grumbled under his breath as I stepped out of his grasp. “I was comfy.”

I had to fight a giggle. “And I promise you, you can be comfy again when we get to the apartment.” 

He mumbled a fine and moved to step in front of me so he could hold the door open for me to pass through. “Fine. I guess that's an acceptable promise then.”

I smiled up at him as I passed and turned around to offer my hand out to him again. A smile crept onto his face but exhaustion was present in his eyes as he entangled his hand in mine. 

The walk to the apartment was slow, purposely though, so Eris could postpone having to put that mask back on and return to his court. It would probably be a week till I saw him again, a week for him that would be full of having to strategically put on a mask around his fathers court till he could replace them and build it the way he wanted to.

I felt a tug on my hand as Eris stopped to look out at the mountaintops, where a single shooting star fell and disappeared behind them. 

He looked over at me and a soft barely there smile graced his features. “You make a wish?” 

I would only ever wish for one thing, felt like  if I asked for more then it would be too greedy of me, especially when the mother and the cauldron couldn't even grant me my single wish. 

I nodded in response and the softest smile graced his features and his entire body seemed to relax. “So did I.”

I wanted to ask what he wished for but knew there was the superstition about if you told what your wish was that it wouldn’t come true, so I left the question unasked. He took a step back to my side and motioned to the sidewalk ahead of us.

“Ready whenever you are.” He looked down on me and the shop lights caught his eyes making them flicker like fire.

Fuck I wanted to kiss him here and now, but if I did I put everything on the table. I couldn’t lose this so I opted to push the feeling down and it felt like I was going to suffocate as I pulled him towards the apartment again. The rest of the walk was quiet Eris falling into line beside me. Once we made it to the apartment I led him up the stairs to see no lights on, Lucien must still be out then I reasoned. 

I pushed the door open, the wards clicking to life and unlocking at my presence. Inside was decorated in a mix of autumn and night colors, mine and Lucien’s safe haven here. The couch was large enough to fit both me, Lucien and one other person, the wood frame was a dark almost black color and the fabric that lined it a deep reddish orange that had reminded me of eris’s hair when we picked it out. A large blanket made of fur was thrown across the back of it, in case me or Lucien passed out there, on one of the 2 throw pillows it came with. Lucien had picked out a reading chair that was a deep emerald green that he’d tucked into a corner by a bookshelf, I knew he picked the color because it reminded him of Tamlin and the Spring Court but said nothing to him. He had a similar blanket to the one on the couch folded on the ottoman that matched the chair, the novel Lucien had been reading before he left for his mission sat bookmarked on top of the blanket. 

Plants and candles littered the space, nicknacks reminiscent of Spring and autumn sat on nearly every shelf.  A small coffee table separated the couch from the fireplace, on it my own books sat, one a precursor to the one Lucien had been reading and the other a gift from my father when I was younger that talked about constellations and astronomy. As I led Eris inside I could see his eyes sparkle and watched his shoulders completely deflate as he stepped over the boundary, I closed the door behind him and the wards locked into place again. 

Eris looked around a second before he found himself standing in front of the fireplace. He squatted down and sparked the fire to life before he stood back up and spotted a small wooden carved figure of a fox sitting regally, it had scratches and tiny dents in the soft wood but it was after all over 500 years old. Eris picked it up and turned it over, his eyes found mine and he looked like he was going to start crying.

“You still have this?” His voice cracked. Fuck.

I nodded. “Of course I do, it was the first gift you ever gave me.”

He had carved that fox for me by the edge of the pond the next time we had visited, it had become our regular spot to go when our fathers were meeting.

He set it back into its spot and wiped his eyes where tears had begun to bubble. I moved to sit on the couch and he took a few shaky steps forward before he dropped to his knees and buried his face in my lap, tears spilling from his eyes. Fuck this was so similar to the day he had been told he was to be engaged to Mor. 

I entwined my fingers in his hair, trying to sooth him softly but my own tears were beginning to line my eyes. We sat and he cried in my lap for an hour before he began falling asleep where he sat on the floor with his head on my knees. I couldn’t begin to comprehend why me still having that fox caused him to break like that, I wanted to ask but knew if I pried it would probably cause more pain. Somewhere the voice in my head answered me with the thought “because it shows you actually care. That you've always been there and always will be.”

I noticed his breathing had slowed, only catching here or there and I moved a stray hair behind his ear and he looked up at me, his sorrow filled eyes finding mine.

“You aren’t going back tonight, are you? It's awfully late and I wouldn’t want you to get sick from winnowing.” My voice was barely audible but he shook his head and sniffled softly.

“Then let's go get you into some comfy clothes, yeah?” He nodded and leaned back onto his knees to let me stand.

As I stood I ran my fingers through his hair and he closed his eyes to lean into my touch. Mother save me, even after crying for so long he still managed to look so pretty. I extended my hand out to him and he placed his in mine gently, as he stood his knees popped and he cringed; he had spared them no mercy with the force he collapsed onto them with earlier.

I led him to Lucien’s room, the two had to be a similar size I gathered based on what it looked like when they stood beside each other earlier. An old wooden dresser was tucked into the corner of the younger male’s room and I led eris to sit on the bed as I scrounged through the drawers till I found a pair of sleep pants. I pulled a loose white sleep shirt from the closet and passed them to Eris. 

“Go ahead and change, I’m going to slip into some comfy clothes of my own. My rooms right across the hall, when you are done just head to the living room. I’ll make us some tea and we can relax. Okay?” he just nodded as he looked at the clothes and I slipped out of the room, closing the door and stepping into my own room. 

I pulled a wine, almost maroon color set of satin pajama set, a tank top and pair of shorts, from my own dresser; quick to change into them I wrapped a matching sleep robe over my shoulders and slipped back out into the hallway. I could see Eris’s shadow on the wall of the hallway, the events of the day catching up to me as I processed everything now that I finally had a moment to breathe softly. I stepped into the kitchen, making us a pot of chamomile tea, drizzling the slightest bit of honey into our cups. 

Eris looked at me with the saddest smile as I handed him the cup and he took a sip of it. I put my own cup on the coffee table Eris following suit as he swallowed; he scooted a few inches down before he laid down on the couch, his head on my lap. My fingers found his hair as I watched the fire flicker in the hearth, he had one hand resting right above my knee which he clung to me with as if I would be ripped from his grasp. 

After a few minutes his breathing became shallow and I looked down at his sleeping face. He finally looked relaxed, I reached above him to pull the fur blanket onto his frame, and began humming a soft lullaby my father would sing to me when I was upset. 

I must have fallen asleep myself, because next thing I know I was woken up by the wards unlocking. As the door was pushed open Lucien stilled in the doorway, eyes wide like he had walked in on something he shouldn’t have. He settled after a second and shut the door behind him softly, wards clicking locked.

“I thought he was going back tonight?” Lucien raised a brow in question.

“He was originally. I offered to bring him back here to relax before he had to go back…” I trailed off

“But?” Lucien brought our cups to the kitchen, sitting them softly in the sink with a clink.

“When we got back, he spotted the little fox he carved me and broke down crying. I mean he was fully on his knees crying into my lap Luci.” I sighed and tucked a stray hair away from Eris’s face.

Lucien hummed in acknowledgement, quickly washing the cups and putting them away. “You know why?”

“No. He didn't say anything once he stopped crying.” I mumbled softly watching the way Eris’s features softened as I stroked his hair back.

Lucien stalked across the living room barely making a sound, besides a creak of a floor board. Leaning back and kicking his feet up onto the ottoman, he threw the blanket over his legs and sat the book on his lap.

“Its because he has realized that after all this time, you still genuinely care about him. That you have never once had a thing against him, never once thought him the terrible male everyone else does. That you still care, always have and always will.” Lucien sighed before he continued. “After all they said tonight, I think it got to him. When we went to the bathroom, he said something that got to me even. It didn’t make sense to me till now.”

I looked up at Lucien who had his head leaned back and was staring at the ceiling. “What did he say?”

His amber eye found mine, something serious in them. “I barely caught it under his breath, probably shouldn’t have even heard it. But he said ‘she's why i’m doing this, she’s why I’ve got to be better, she’s why.’ He was practically chanting it under his breath. I think Azriel’s words got in his head, I know he struggled with feeling he was enough of a good male to still call you his friend. Our father’s abuse broke how he views himself, so under that mask he wears opinions to get to him when it's. It’s a lot for him, it gets to him.”

I nodded, felt the tears line my eyes again but Lucien caught me off before I could say anything. “So when he saw that one little figure, it might be silly to you to see him cry over it but it was proof that even to one person, one person he cares for more than the Prythian itself, that he is none of those things and that someone actually cares, shattered him. Trust me when I say this hun, but he would raze all the courts to the ground if something happened to you, so yeah your opinion of him matters more than anything to him.”

Tears ran down my face slowly. “But why?”

“Why what?”Lucien half smiled.

“Why do I matter so much” I sniffled

“Honestly, I don't know, just do. If I had to guess it's because you have been there since the beginning, since before his life went to shit.” Lucien hummed. “Now stop crying or you’ll wake him up, wipe your cheeks off.”

I wiped my face and nodded quickly. “Can I ask something?” Lucien mused.

I nodded. “Yeah?”

“You emphasized the fact that he was on his knees. Like you had seen it before, what happened last time that made you realize how important the reason for crying was to him, whatever it was?” He returned his gaze to the ceiling.

“It was the woods after he was informed about his engagement to Mor…” I mumbled and looked down to watch how Eris’s fingers clung to my leg. 

“Oh.” Lucien hissed.

“He snuck out a bottle of alcohol and we ran off to our spot in the woods. He broke down in my arms, we broke down and cried together.” I sighed “He begged me to not leave him alone in the world.” 

Lucien sat up fairly quickly. “He.. He begged you?” Lucien’s eyes both found purchase on me. “He thought you would leave him and he begged you to stay?”

I nodded. “He begged and apologized and we both cried harder than I thought was possible. He asked if I hated him Lucien.” The younger male sucked in the sharp breath.

“What did you say to him?” The redhead murmured to me like it was almost forbidden to say it out loud.

“I promised him that I never have, never could, and never will.” I brushed Eris’s hair out of his face again and he smiled in his sleep and purred against my thigh.

Lucien’s eyes widened as if he realized something that had eluded him for years. “You made a deal with him that you would never be able to hate him… You wouldn't have made that deal unless you knew it couldn’t be broken no matter what. Your mates aren’t you?” 

I nodded and Lucien wiped his face with your hands. “He doesn't know does he?” 

I shook my head again. “No he doesn't” 

Lucien hissed under his breath. “Oh now you two have most definitely worked yourselves into a mess.”

I furrowed my brows. “What do you mean?”

“He loves you, I know that much. For you to matter that much to him he has too. He chose you for this whole fake dating thing for a reason then” Lucien mumbled. 

I stilled and cut him off. “He said he chose me because I was the first female that came to mind that he trusted enough to ask to do this.” I hissed.

“The first female,” Lucien hissed back, “Because he is in love with you.”

We both sighed loudly and Lucien turned to me with a soft look in his eyes. “Just don’t let him burn himself out is all I ask. He’s the only other good member of my family, snuck me out to Spring Court, warned me about what they were going to do to Jes.”

I nodded and he stood. “I'm going to go take a bath, have a good night, I’ll see you both in the morning.”

Jesminda came up, after all these years it was still a sore spot for him. Especially after he had seen Elain hanging on Azriel, I was just surprised he brought it up himself. Showed how much Eris truly meant to him, made sense why he cared so much but his wording confused me. 

“What do you mean by ‘Don’t let him burn himself out?’ Lucien?” I furrowed my brows in confusion. 

Lucien stilled in the archway of the hall, his back still to me as he looked over his shoulder. “I mean he is willing to play with as much fire as it takes to stay close to you even if he burns out in the process. Don’t let him burn out, keep his spark ignited, fan it into a raging forest fire. We both know the capability he has to become one of the best males there is, we both know the only reason he has to do that now is you. He is reforming Autumn for you it seems like. Keep that spark fanned, strike out whoever wants to snuff it. The only thing keeping him burning is you.” Lucien’s mind was racing as he spoke but mine was equally so. 

He turned and looked me dead in the eyes, a fire raged deep within them. “Promise me, make a deal with me here and now.”

“What?” I was taken off guard by his tone of voice.

He strode over to me with his hand extended. “Let's make a deal here and now that you will protect him, that you won't let him burn out or let anything bad ever happen to him again. That you’ll chase his terrible thoughts away, just like you did tonight, whenever they become unbearable for him.” 

I looked back down at his hand, then back up into his amber and metal eyes. I placed my hand firmly in his. “It's a deal.”

I didn’t want anything from Lucien in exchange, knew we both wanted the same thing here, for Eris to be happy. I knew what my purpose was the second I felt the sting of a new bargain tattoo on my upper right arm. As I pulled back from Lucien and looked to the spot i had felt the sting, I knew that no matter how long it was going to take even if we got into a terrible argument after this arrangement, that I would wait for Eris and be there to chase his fears away, knew the second my eyes locked on the tattoo that perfectly mirrored the wooden fox Eris carved for me all those years ago.  In the same spot on Lucien’s shoulder was a constellation in deep red ink.  

Lucien smiled at me and returned to the archway calling over his shoulder before he disappeared with a smirk. “Goodnight Sister.”

It felt like my body absorbed all the heat it could from Eris and pushed it right into my face, my heart racing and an ache settled in my chest that was only soothed by Eris’s fingers clinging slightly tighter to me. I settled taking the second throw pillow and putting it behind my head, the least Lucien could have done was give me his blanket before he left, Fuck. 

Taglist:

@stained-glass-eyes0708

@acourtofbatboydreams

@abysshaven

@wallacewillow0773638

#acotar #acotar x reader #eris vanserra x reader #a court of thorns and roses #eris acotar #lucien acotar #lucien vanserra

[lixxpix]

happiness looks good on you- lee felix

summary: you love felix, but he doesn't love you back.

warnings: sad ending, angst!

author's notes: hi everyone<3 this is my first fic, kinda wrote this at like 3am on a whim instead of sleeping but like😭 idk why i made this so sad (is this a sign im depressed or something) but hope u enjoy!! please to comment ur user if u want to be tagged in this or my future posts<3

"happiness looks good on you."

raging storms and unshed tears.

"happiness looks good on you."

heartbreak and rainy days.

"hurry up lix, we're going to be late," you complained, brow furrowed as you stuck your bottom lip out in a pout.

"if you really want to go to school that early just walk there yourself." felix taunted, knowing you were scared to walk alone. he was your long-term best friend, inseparable since kindergarten 'til today.

the two of you argued and bickered on the way to school, throwing insults at each other. by the time the both of you had gotten to school, you were both given a scolding and told to sit down. you glared at him as you were being scolded while he just snickered.

the audacity of this man, honestly . 

by the time class had finished, you had cooled down, just like felix knew you would. otherwise, he could just stick out his bottom lip while you huffed and pretended to be mad. 

"y/n!" he gasped, clutching at your arm, "areum just looked at me!"

he squealed, like a little kid at the toy shop, over his long time crush.

if only you looked at me in that way.

because i do.

"nah, she probably was just looking at someone else." you lied through your teeth, feeling your heart sink.

"hey, stop being mean!! she clearly looked at me," he pouted.

you sighed.

i've loved you for years and you've never noticed.

"well just confess to her already then."

it was painful watching your own crush and best friend fall for someone else, someone that wasn't you. 

you wished, rather selfishly, that areum would reject him. then you could be the shoulder he would cry on. not her. but honestly, you couldn't bring yourself to hate her. what was to hate? she was pretty, got good marks, and was friendly and easygoing. not to say you yourself weren't pretty, but you just weren't as pretty and hardworking as her. 

and you weren't the one he wanted. 

maybe the pain would end if they just ended up together and you were out of the picture. it was obvious she liked him too. 

"you really think i should? but what if i get rejected..."

you're so blind but i still love you.

"yes, how many times do i have to say this, she likes you. it's obvious." you rolled your eyes.

"should i just confess tomorrow? better late than never..." he trailed off, worrying at his bottom lip with his teeth.

gods you look so cute when you do that.

"yeah. get her some flowers and write her a note."

why were you breaking your own heart? you didn't know why. maybe you just wanted to end your own heartbreak. 

"good luck with that, anyways i need to go to s house for a project." you actually didn't, but you would do anything to just escape from this.

"why~~are you really just going to leave me alone to plan my big confession by myself," he whined.

"sorry lix, but you'll figure it out." ruffling his hair, you walked out the classroom.

you did, in fact, go home. then sat on your bed and cried until you couldn't  physically squeeze any more tears out of you.  so this was what heartbreak felt like. you had known him since the both of you were ten. you had have multiple crushes here and there, but they were just passing, fleeting moments, nothing of importance. until him.

you didn't know when you had first started to like him. maybe it was that time in the library where he was helping the librarian stack books. maybe it was that time in the rain where he danced in it for hours. 

maybe it was one summer day where your world just exploded in colours. 

and now it felt like it was fading back to grey.

the next day, felix came bouncing up to you.

"i got her peonies, do you think she'll like it? i told her to meet me in the garden."

"yeah, she'll definitely like it. i would've too... " you muttered the last part all to yourself, turning away and blinking rapidly as tears threatened to prick your eyes. you offered him a smile of encouragement. 

"good luck."

when lunch came, you watched as the nervous australian carried the peonies and went to the garden.

then you watched as they walked in ten minutes later, smiling bashfully and holding hands like schoolchildren in love. 

because they were.

you went home, not even bothering to call in sick. you just grabbed your bag and went home. you would deal with the consequences later. 

your heart hurt.

you were numb.

you were hollow.

you were crying.

you hated everything.

the next few days were spent at home. you called in sick. felix texted you countless times but you ignored him.

lixie&lt;3

y/nie?

where r u?

she accepted!!!

im so happy>.<

read at 2:03 a.m.

yeah, right. good for you. but what about me?

lixie&lt;3

...hello?

y/n?

can u please respond...

im worried...

what happened???

why didn't you come to school today??

read at 3:46 p.m.

you turned off your phone then turned over and cried again. you hated this. why did you have to fall for him in the first place?

finally, after four days of missed calls, texts, and school, you had to go back. its not like you had a choice anyways. you missed your parents. they lived overseas though, so you lived alone. but you really couldn't continue living like this for the rest of your life, even if you wanted to.

"y/nie!!!" felix exclaimed, running up to you. "why didn't you respond to my texts? are you okay? it's unlike you..."

"im sorry lix, i was just under the weather. im ok." you offered him a tight lipped smile. "congrats by the way." you closed your locker door and rushed off before he could ask you anything more.

"huh? thats unlike her... why is she acting so weird lately?" 

and so you avoided him, as much as you could. you kept your conversations short and brief, not talking to him as much as possible, and even switching seats to sit far away from him. you watched his hurt face the day he walked in and saw you sitting somewhere else, but then cheering up as areum sat next to him. you watched as he laughed and held hands, ate tteokbokki and ramen with her in the cafeteria. that should've been me.

but honestly, it did nothing to fill the felix-sized hole in your heart.

you drifted apart. he barely texted you now, barely said hi to you, barely even saw you in the hallways anymore. 

then exams were finished, and graduation started to roll around. 

you watched as they attended prom and twirled around on the dance floor giggling.

you watched as they broke up on the doorstep of his dorms, watching as felix's face fell when she dumped him for another guy.

you didn't have the heart to tell him i told you so.

so you busied yourself in your exams, earning a scholarship to your dream university. felix tried reaching out to you several times to rekindle your old friendship, but you would always politely decline, preferring to be detached instead of going through more heartbreak.

you still loved him, but the once burning passion had now been reduced to a soft flicker every now and then, sparking ever so slightly whenever you saw him in the corridors. your own felix-shaped hole in your heart hadn't decreased over the years, but your heart became bigger, expanding so that other people could fit in it. the hole would always be there, but at least there was space for healing.

you turned around in the backseat of your friends' car to see the campus you had once called home fading away into the distance and felix along with it.

goodbye, the wind whispered.

"happiness looks good on you, lix. i hope you make the best of it."

#lee felix x reader #felix x reader #skz x reader #skz #stray kids #gn reader #angst #sad ending #lee felix #high school au #heartbreak #lost love #heartache #stray kids x reader #stray kids x y/n #stray kids x gender neutral reader #stray kids x you

[grimmylilsunshine]

Some dark stuff and angst time. Writing this more for myself.

This should be obvious but this isn't a post for romanticizing this crap. I'm just writing this for self comfort and venting. If it bothers ya, you can simply just not interact with it, block, ignore.

Warnings: Mention of the reader dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, mentions of past suicide attempts, self harm / harming, etc. Proceed with caution.

It was depressing but oddly poetic Grim thought. The mortal with the brightest soul that was of life, ironically enough, was part of a mortal who often wished to die.

Countless times he witnessed your suicide attempts, your failures on succeeding or going through with it. Your break downs and spiral into darkness and mental breaks from your own mind attacking you.

He only was waiting for the day it'll finally happen, and to have that bright soul that bothered him, but oddly enough pulled him too, reaped once and for all.

Though as years went on, and the longer you lived on than you should of. Which astonished from the way you lived, and barely survived. He had to soon enough take matters into his own hands.

However the moment he made contact with you, he felt that pull grow stronger. He started to see things more about you that he wished he didn't.

The sunshine before him, you, put on a strong face, a smile, a mask. So convincing in fact, even he often forgot the darkness and demons that troubled you.

But as time went on, and the more you opened up. The more mask started to crack, break and crumble before him.

It was like flickers, but he could see the emptiness, the hopelessness in your eyes.

It bothered him. Upset him. But he tried to focus on the job at hand. Which was reaping your soul...

Until one day he couldn't help but just focus on your care and wellbeing.

Once again, you tried to put on that forced fake yet convincing smile...but this time it wasn't working. He could see the tiredness in your eyes, the smile not reaching those eyes. As well the exhaustion visible even from your soul...

The light in you was dimming again, and he couldn't stand it.

💀 "Sunshine...Did you sleep at all?"

🌻 "...Yeah, a bit...Couldn't really sleep well again though..."

💀 "...I see..."

💀 "...Did you eat?"

🌻 "...A little."

💀 "What did you eat?"

🌻 "...Nothing much. Just crackers...I really don't feel hungry today to be honest."

💀 "...Did you go out to get some sunlight? Some air? Also did you drink any water?"

🌻 "I don't like going out much now...and yeah...I think?"

💀 "..."

🌻 "....."

💀 "What are you thinking about right now?"

🌻 "..."

💀 "...Sunshine?"

🌻 "...Can we end this call now? I'm suddenly feeling tired again and--"

💀 "No. I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's wrong."

🌻 "Why do you care?...You want me dead right? To have my soul? Just leave me alone and maybe you'll finally get it sooner than you think."

💀 "Sunshine, I--You don't--That's it. I'm going over there right now."

🌻 "What? Why? You don't hav--"

Before you could say anything else, he dropped the call and didn't text back no matter how much you sent messages. Suddenly you felt like you screwed up again, that you might of made him angry, or hate you truly now.

The dark thoughts started to flood back in at a intensity now, you just wanted to escape from it all. So you searched around in your drawers, looking for anything sharp again to help but before you could grab anything. A knocking was heard at your window.

You looked up to see Casper with a serious yet worried expression on his face.

💀 "Open the window, Sunshine. Let me in."

🌻 "..."

You did as you were told, and let the Grim Reaper in.

Before you could get a word out, he grabbed you and pulled you in for a tight hug. At first you stiffen at his touch and hold, you weren't used to this...and you wanted to push him away, but same time didn't.

💀 "It's okay, Sunshine...I'm right here now. You don't have to go through this all alone...You don't have to act strong around me. I promise, I won't leave you. I won't hate you. I won't let you suffer alone anymore. It's okay."

It took a moment for you to finally relax in his hold, and you were nervous to hug him back. But after a slow but struggling attempt to fight against your own body and mind, you finally did. And for once, even though his touch was cold...You felt warmth, love and safety from a embrace again...

#a date with death #a date with death casper #a date with death grim #grim x mc #grim x reader #grim x y/n #grim x you #casper x mc #casper x reader #casper x y/n #casper x you #suicide mention #depression mention #deciding to share this finally because it's constantly on my mind lol

[autistichalsin]

I'm going to go off here just because I'm so frustrated.

So this drama all started when someone- a self-identified anti- posted a rant that I "wrote Halsin rape fantasy fiction." I was annoyed, as anyone would be, but even more because such a fiction didn't exist! But also, it sounded like a great fic, Halsin using a rape fantasy/consensual nonconsent to work through his Underdark traumas. So I said "you know what, I can't let the fake version of me you invented be cooler than the real me, can I?" And then I set to work plotting out Too Many Burdens to Bear, which would take about another month to be ready to post after that.

The group were angry at this, and soon after, they started a callout, cancelled me, harassed me, whatever word you want to use for this nonsense. They couldn't keep their story straight, from the start. Some of them claimed it was the simple fact that the fic was CNC that was wrong. Others, who were okay with CNC themselves but still wanted to have a reason to hate me, said my fic WASN'T CNC, and obviously that was the problem, it would be different "if" it was just CNC. (Then, when they were corrected, they....... never changed their tune.) Another said I was planning to write a fic about "Halsin being raped again" and had said "getting raped would help Halsin heal from his traumas."

It's like they're playing a game of telephone, but instead of changing a single word, the goal is to change the entire sentence.

Others insisted the problem was that I wrote it to "spite" the person who "only said they were uncomfortable with rape" (lol, then don't read it, you fucking dumbass!!!) I got told I was retraumatizing myself and others, that I didn't care about/fetishized rape, etc. They have since gone on to claim I posted the fic untagged, hoping to trigger the anti who started this.

These are the tags on the fic in question, which they would know if they bothered to LOOK at what they were criticizing.

Could this possibly be ANY better tagged? I even had someone who is squicked by PIV sex reach out to thank me because no one EVER warns for that. That's how above and beyond I went in avoiding squicking anyone.

Like, literally everything this group claimed about my actions being problematic falls apart with the most cursory check at the ACTUALITY of what has been posted.

And these people, who claim care SO much about rape, who care SO MUCH about survivors? Yesterday, Mish made a post about Neil (as in, Astarion's actor) getting sexually harassed, and one of these people replied that it was "hypocritical" to say so while supporting me, who writes CNC. When someone replied that this was about a real human, not fiction, they literally said they DIDN'T CARE. They care more about defending the honor of Halsin, a fictional survivor of rape, than they care about the real person who played Astarion, who is a REAL survivor of rape.

When Mish and I said we are both survivors of rape and sexual abuse, respectively, these people said we were "playing the survivor card" (an utterly vile thing to say). I received an anon questioning whether I was really sexually abused.

They also, at the same time as the initial bout of drama over my CNC fic, began calling me a pedophile because of an omegaverse Halsin headcanon I made. For those unaware, omegaverse is an AU with many related tropes. Which ones get used vary by the author, but they always include heats and animalistic behavior, and often include knotting, mpreg, themes of subjugation based on gender, breeding kink, and others. However, while the trope started as a kink one, it has since branched out, and some write fics without smut at all, instead focusing on gender dynamics, kidfic, or other aspects of the universe.

I made a headcanon that Halsin, who in that universe I headcanon as an omega- who, in omegaverse stories, can get pregnant, and have heats- would want children of his own. I headcanoned that after taking care of children at his commune after the ending, that this might trigger a heat for him.

A normal person would look at this and go "aw, Halsin has baby fever! Cute!"

These are not normal people, so they looked at it and went "ewww, this pedo thinks Halsin gets turned on by being around kids!"

They literally said this. While also admitting that they do not read omegaverse stories. Multiple people who do read them tried to explain that it's just how reproduction works in that AU, but this person just stuck their fingers in their ears and yelled "lalala HEATS ARE HORNY IF YOU WRITE HEATS IT'S ONLY TO BE HORNY HORNY HORNY! NOT LISTENING!"

After they accused me of being a pedophile for this, I fired back and said "if you can look at this headcanon and think it has anything to do with attraction to children, you're the pedophile." I should not have called them one back, and I apologize for it, but this person has since gone on to lie and play the victim, saying "I just said their tweet was a bit sus and they called me a pedophile FOR NO REASON." They also said that they "wouldn't have been so quick to call it pedo if [I] wasn't so open about being a proshipper."

If I wasn't so open about saying that fiction is not morality, you wouldn't have been so quick to say that my fiction represented my morality? Hmmm.

If you notice, their posts all have the same formulaic deception and manipulative slant to them: they will say something about the fiction I write/enjoy, or the characters I don't like, etc, with a personal attack against my character. When I respond, they will then claim to have been attacked, violently and without provocation, "just because" they (x), where (x) is the most blatant glossing over of their actions. Them calling me a pedophile became "just saying their tweet was sus." Them harassing me for weeks over a CNC fic that HADN'T EVEN BEEN WRITTEN YET was "just saying we aren't comfortable with rape." So uncomfortable with rape, remember, that they said they DIDN'T CARE about Neil being harassed, because CNC about Halsin was worse.

You would think these two things alone would be enough to utterly destroy this group's credibility; they are either blatant liars, or their perception of reality is so poor that nothing they say is to be trusted. Anyone who prioritizes a fictional character's rape over a real person's is not living in reality. Anyone who thinks baby fever is pedophilia should not be trusted on, well, anything. It would be like trusting a flat-earther to give geography lessons.

But unfortunately, people wanted to listen to them over Mish and I, and sadly, it's easy to see why. The antis positioned themselves so that if you disagreed with their harassment, you were "pro rape". And no one wants a label that toxic associated with them, so they jumped ship on principle. Even though Mish is the nicest person in the entire fandom and has never hurt anyone at all, even though Mish is an IRL advocate for rape survivors and against gender-based violence in her country and has thus done more for rape survivors than these people ever have or will. It doesn't matter to them.

Other equally bizarre accusations have been lobbed at us; I'm "lesbophobic" and "called all lesbians TERFs" (I called the rhetoric from a group of like five people TERF-ish, but since they think they represent all lesbians, they claimed it was against all lesbians- WHICH, by the way, is my identity as well. They are calling me a self-hating lesbian over this.)

This group has a history of starting harassment against people, then cry-bullying that the pushback they get is a form of lesbophoia; for example, a few months ago, they harassed a bi woman off of Twitter who asked them to stop being biphobic by calling it gross to ship Shadowheart, a canonically bisexual woman, with men. They branded this user lesbophobic and harassed her until she permanently deactivated. They posted that it was gross to ship Karlach with Dammon, too, and when a user, who is herself lesbian, headcanons Karlach as a lesbian, and doesn't ship her with Dammon chimed in to say why OTHERS ship it, they attacked her too. They attacked the actor for Rolan for sharing/supporting a fan petition for Rolan to be romanceable. They called Dave, Halsin's actor, a creep for sharing NSFW art of Halsin on his page, and tried to insinuate he was a pedophile (saying they wouldn't be surprised if he had a scandal like "that Genshin actor," who, for those who don't know, was found to have groomed a child online.)

They claimed that I "called everyone who doesn't like Halsin ableist", when what was actually said was that IF we call everyone who doesn't like Minthara lesbophobic because a lot of her fans are lesbians (which is a thing that one of them had just said), THEN using the same logic, we could say that hating Halsin is ableist because a lot of his fans are autistic. (Sidenote: this group of people repeatedly mocked my special interest (making meta essays) after being told it was my special interest, which is pretty gross, to me.)

It genuinely boggles my mind that a group of people can be so toxic to the actors and still given a platform in the fandom. This is entirely new behavior to me- even in the most toxic fandom's I've been in or rubbernecked on, harassing the actors was always considered the line not to cross and would make you persona non grata. It was the one thing everyone could agree on as unacceptable. Yet these people are openly attacking Dave's character and are still not only listened to when they make up allegations against people, but they are well-respected in the fandom. Either people don't think harassing an actor is a big deal anymore, these fans secretly AGREE with the harassment and slander against him, or (most generous explanation) they don't know who they're actually supporting here.

These people gleefully mocked my abuse from my mother. I said that some of Minthara's abusive actions (poisoning a romanced player without her consent) reminded me of similar actions my mom did, and are part of my aversion to the character. I posted this untagged- I even censored Minthara's name so that her fans wouldn't find it. But because they were cyberstalking me so obsessively, they QRTed it and proceeded to bring it up multiple times to snark about "the essential oils". When someone called them out and asked if they really thought it was funny, they answered, without hesitation, yes. They said that I had already "mocked my own abuse" by bringing up how Minthara triggers memories of her, so they therefore had every right to laugh at the bodily harm I faced when my mother would deliberately cause me asthma attacks by forcing me to inhale essential oils. Because I said that a fictional character's similar actions triggered memories of it. That was worthy of mocking to them.

So they support survivors of rape and abuse who have triggers related to fiction, unless that survivor is a survivor of child abuse who is triggered by their favorite character, in which case they deserve to be mocked. I guess they don't believe in supporting survivors who have trigger reactions to fiction after all... what a surprise. Almost like they never cared about anything they claimed to.

They're actually remarkably transparent about not actually caring about ANY issue they claim to champion. They claim to be fighting for rape survivors while harassing not one but two survivors from the fandom into mental breakdowns (the tweet about my mom was so bad it made me have a flashback, and their harassment of Mish did similar to her) and saying they DON'T CARE about Neil's sexual harassment because fiction about Halsin is more important. They claim to oppose lesbophobia while repeatedly attacking lesbians who disagree with them on anything from shipping to whether queer male sexuality is inherently predatory. I could go on.

Somehow, no matter how blatant it is that they don't actually care about anything, and are just using fake moralizing as a vehicle for sadism, people still keep taking them at face value. Again, I get it. They have positioned themselves as fighting against rape and abuse, so by extension, they have positioned it so that anyone who is against them is liable to be accused of supporting rape and abuse. It's a great system for them, really; bullying is a behavior that would otherwise be reviled, but by framing everyone they don't like as a bad person, as an existential threat to marginalized communities (who, conveniently, always have their own marginalized identities ignored until it becomes convenient to bring it up again to harass them for it), they turn their bullying into not only something acceptable, but into a moral act to be commended. A moral obligation, even, because don't pedos deserve to be hunted for sport? (This is the same reason why the alt-right is obsessively pedojacketing the entire LGBT community as they move to censor queer fiction, for the record.)

I don't know what else to say besides that I really, really hope that people are waking up to that group's nonsense, or at least that they will soon, and will realize that fiction is not reality, and that that group of known disingenuous liars and manipulators are being... disingenuous liars and manipulators, yet again.

Unfortunately, it's too late since they've already chased Mish out of the fandom, and I will honestly never forgive that group of people and their enablers for it. But I have hope that maybe the rest of the fandom will come around, especially because, as all of us who have experience with antis know, they are never going to stop. They aren't going to stop targeting people for everything from making a harmless mod that turns Scratch into Astarion to saying it's okay to ship Karlach/Dammon or Shadowheart/men to writing a fic about Halsin using kink to explore his trauma from being enslaved to being an actor for the show who retweets NSFW art of his character to making a headcanon that Astarion wants to dance with Tav to making an omegaverse headcanon... I could go on and on.

Sorry for the novel, and I hope this is the last post I make about this drama, but I am so beyond tired and frustrated. This hurt Mish deeply- the nicest person in the entire fandom- and seeing the raw sadism from her bullies, sadism that is being praised, makes me feel physically ill, honestly.

I won't be using any fandom tags for this post, but I will be tagging this with various proship related things since I feel this is relevant.

#proship #proshipper #proshippers please interact #discourse

[iraprince]

Hello! long time silent fan here 💝

i came across an older post referring to you leaving the Guns Blazing project... i did back that kickstarter, and now im kinda worried about just who i gave my money to :/

are you able to share any details about why you left, or if theres anything i should know about the creators? it's too late for me to not give them money, but id like to know before i recommend the game to anyone

the main issue shared in the post you reference is pretty much it: a prominent ttrpg award was given to an active duty military strategist. a lot of people in the community, myself included, were obviously horrified by this and many spoke up about what kind of grotesque and deeply unjust message this sends about what we're allowing (more than allowing, CELEBRATING????) in the space; bafflingly, a bunch of other people in the community all crowded around to congratulate and asspat and defend and gas up this grinning servant of the imperial american death machine. it was horrifying to see that the dev of guns blazing, which the entire time it was funding had constantly and loudly advertised itself as a "decolonial" and "anti-imperialist" game, was one of the people celebrating his win.

when i confronted the dev one-on-one about this, i was told "the man's a personal friend who's helped me out in the past and helped out other marginalized people in the space." that is not a sufficient excuse for me when the issue is what this man was doing to marginalized people, FOR MONEY, FOR HIS CAREER, outside of the space. (it's murder. what a military strategist does is facilitate murder as needed by the state.) u cannot buy back lives you've destroyed globally by getting other poc jobs in roleplaying games or whatever the fuck.

i couldn't handle this. i'm not going to judge other artists who stayed in — i don't know if everyone even saw, the turmoil over the award was something that from what i saw was mostly contained to twitter and the dev kept his head down about it aside from his initial congratulations. there was a moment before i confronted the dev where honestly i thought to myself "maybe i can just pretend i didn't see it," but i knew in my heart that wasn't true and i wouldn't be able to be proud of myself if i did that. so that's why i pulled out.

my tone is heated here bc obviously this is a really appalling subject — it's the reason my commerical work contracts have a fucking ethics clause in them now, lmao — but at the same time i'm honestly not interested in like, "calling out" the dev over this. he let me leave the project immediately and without any issues, and i haven't kept up with anything he's doing since this incident. maybe he's changed his mind or like, one would hope all of the absolute horror we're constantly submerged in from witnessing the us government's eager support of the genocide in palestine has opened his eyes to No, Agents Of The Military Are Not Our Fucking Friends, Actually. i don't know. i don't care to go looking to find out. my interest is not in saying "i think this dev is a bad person and everyone should be wary of them!!!!", it's just to say "this dev did something that was so shocking to me and so misaligned from my own morals that i had to distance myself immediately." i don't know how far that reflects on anything else he believes or does, i just know it was a dealbreaker for me personally. the story ends there for me, and other people will have to make their own judgements based on what they observe now.

#i have caps of the (very brief) convo and if someone needs to see them for verification you can dm me. #but like i said i am not interested in this being like. a Callout or anything. i dont want them plastered everywhere #like i dont think anything good would come of it. it wouldnt Help anyone. im just. explaining what i saw and felt and did. #also why this is unrebloggable.

[maleyhae]

DEADLY LOVE

billy loomis x fem!reader :P

summary: reader complains about her boyfriend to her friend since kindergarten and he's had enough.

Tw- cheating i do not condone cheating as it is not right, cussing, and abuse in a way maybe idk (readers bf) angsty?

yesterdays work!!

i don't consent to my work being copied, translated, or posted on any other website thank you <3

BILLY'S POV:

I listen to her ramble about how her boyfriend is a dick head but when I tell her to leave him, she always says no. Stu's told me to just kill him and comfort her and get her as mine finally. I've thought about it or show her that he's a stupid excuse of a boy. "Billy are you even listening?" she asked annoyed i did zoned out but still her what she had said. "Yes, princess I heard you." I said annoyed as I just wanted to watch Halloween with her but clearly it isn't happening.

READERS POV:

I was telling Billy about how my boyfriend was talking to Cassey and how I was afraid of her taking him but that's what he said I was talking about even though her and my ex was dead. Though I actually didn't care. I understand it's weird, but I wanted Billy Loomis the same man that's in my room hands on my waist and looking up at me. holy fuck he was a beautiful but him and Sidney where on and off so i didn't want to ruin their relationship and my friendships with them...you get it right ? He then stood up holy hell I forgot how tall he was. Said something about a curfew strange he never had one but then again with Ghostface being around I have gotten one too just much earlier than my old one before ghosty. I watch the breakfast club.

Then I got a call was it or it was Billy say he got home early safely. "Hello ?" i said expecting a hi love or hey princess as though were the nicknames the two boys have given me but then I got a "Hello who's this?" just like what happen to Cassey. omg. I'm next I hung up and called Billy stupid I know then i went downstairs' before he got in and kill me but as I got downstairs, I saw the Ghostface mask. I ran to my room and open the window and jumped out of the window. I broke something I know I had to but i didn't notice as I ran to Billy house who was just down the street. I saw Ghostface running behind me as I ran faster and since I knew where the key was, I got the key and got in and screamed "BILLY PLEASE HELP ME GHOSTFACE IS HERE AND HE IS TRYING TO KILL ME" I wasn't getting a respond did he go to Sidney's omg I'm fucked I started crying as I called 911.

I heard sirens as Billy walked into his house, I jumped into his arms just sobbing. "___ a-are you okay? why are you here?" he asked worried "G-Ghostface got into my house a-a-and tried to get me I jumped out my window and ran here!" i yelled stuttering more than I did while just full out sobbing.

BILLYS POV:

I didn't have an attack planned on her what was going on ? Then I realized Stu did this. That fucking dick. what was he thinking and then I realized this was to see who she went to first me or her boyfriend who was just next door to her. holy hell she thought of me more. I kissed her not on the head like I would usually do. "it's alright princess I'm here now I'm so sorry I couldn't be there sooner." I said truly sorry and she wishiper a its okay as she kissed me back. dear lord.

this was really a deadly love wasn't? i thought to myself and then I took her to my bed gave her some of my clothes and we fell asleep.

#maleyhae halloween event #maleyhae events! #billy loomis #ghostface #scream 1996 #scream x reader #billy loomis x you #billy loomis x reader #ghostface x reader

[hawthornvisual]

2013 vs 2024

tbh, this is incredibly difficult for me. as a trans woman, there are certain expectations for posts like these. some gruff but sad looking man who was transformed into a happy beautiful girl via hormones. so you might think that nothing has changed. or perhaps i have gone backwards, gotten hairier, bigger, becoming even more of a man than i started off as.

this might be hard to read, so i'll put the rest under a read more. CW for homelessness, starvation, transmisogyny, and probably a few things i'm missing.

my transition has been messy. in some ways, you might say that i spent the first 25 years of my life transitioning. as a child i was efemminate, loved to play dress up and dolls, but my father was so against this that he filed a lawsuit against my mother, getting a court order forbidding her from "forcing me to crossdress." this set the tone for the rest of my childhood, which is a story i will not get into here because it is much worse than the story i'm trying to tell.

growing up in a christian fundamentalist home meant that it wasn't until much later, after my mother gained custody and i had gone on to experience even further ruination of my life, that i even learned that trans people exist. that this was a thing you could do, could be. a brief flash, something hiding behind my eyes, and i had locked it away. of course i wasn't trans. i was an athlete, a martial artist, a musician, why would i need to think about gender?

when i was 16, i joined tumblr. i saw a blooming transgender community, got to see the inner thoughts and conversations that trans people were having, couldn't avoid certain things any longer. i started to identify as nonbinary, eventually even coming out to my mother, who certainly TRIED to be supportive. it was exciting, made my heart race a little, made me scared. i had no idea what i was doing, or how my world was about to turn upside down and inside out.

the summer i turned 18, i was severely injured in a martial arts tournament. my right knee had caved in, the bone at the site of the joint crushed by a man i had thought was my friend. i didn't realize what had happened, and so didn't go to a doctor until two weeks later, at which point the damage was considered irreversible. everything i was disappeared. i lost all will to live. i stopped drawing, stopped playing music. i started drinking heavily. my family knew i was struggling but any efforts to fix the situation just made it worse. my mother and older brother had been putting more and more pressure on me to get a job and get out of the house, even though i could barely walk. my older brother told me that my mother was going to kick me out if i couldn't start contibuting. i still couldn't. i became homeless for the first time at the age of 19.

when you're homeless, it's like every single day is drawn out into countless hours, and you either have nothing to do, or far too much to do, and nothing in between. i had an online partner at the time, someone who turned out to be a chaser targeting suspiciously egg shaped men and nonbinary people, who spent the entire time getting more and more frustrated that i didn't have the time to be a fucktoy. i ended up insitutionalized for a month, after which i was kicked to the curb and left with nothing but a backpack and the clothes on my back. any journey of self discovery i may have been having was on hold until i wasn't fighting for survival.

my rescue came from a nonbinary lesbian who reached out to me. i was offered a room, a place to stay for no cost. they helped me break up with my partner. i found myself in a new sort of situationship, but at a confusing cost. why was this lesbian interested in me? was that even okay? eventually we had a conversation. they revealed to me that they had thought i was a trans woman. the fact that i had been seen as a woman hit me like a truck in a blindzone i didn't know i had.

after a difficult few days of arguing with myself, i couldn't hide from it. i was a woman. maybe i had always been a woman. a thought more terrifying than it had any right to be.

i grew my hair out. i started shaving. after a few months, i was even able to book my first HRT appointment (thank you state of washington trans healthcare laws). i came out to my mother a second time, and her reaction was much different this time. maybe due to the distance that had grown between us, the past hostility that left scars still bleeding, but i suspect it was because telling her that her firstborn son was actually a woman was much scarier to her than telling her that i didn't really care about gender.

this photo is from the day that i had my first HRT appointment. my soft chin, once a weakness, could be bared proudly, the ambiguity in my face becoming something that i cherished.

a year later, i had the longest hair of my life. if i shaved and wore makeup, and dressed right, i could get gendered correctly so long as i didn't speak. in that regard, i was truly getting the full experience of womanhood. my relationship with my partner was going strong. i thought that i had found my forever.

things got messy. you will probably hear me say this again. you won't find many better ways to describe my life, other than messy. my partner had always been polyamorous, but i was not, and had not ever pretended that this was not the case. so when one of my partners friends confessed her love to them, they went into panic mode. suddenly they were pushing everyone away, reverting to old bad habits and anxieties, and our relationship began to fall apart.

the friend, we'll call her A, pretended to move on, started dating someone else. my own friendship with A was strained by the situation, and her new partner, a butch lesbian named rowan, seemed to be suffering for it. i realized that the only way our relationships could survive was if we tried to work out an agreement to polyamory. in the end that wasn't enough, but i was desperate. i was starting to see the cracks, realizing that if this fell apart, i would be homeless again. my leg injury had already been so badly worsened from my first experience with homelessness, i knew that going through it again would be the end of me.

since my partner and A were now seeing each other, i began to get ignored. the only time either of them spent talking to me was talking about each other, either joyous or trying to fix some new problem. at this point, i started getting to know rowan. we had a lot in common, i had never talked to a butch before, let alone known one, and seeing the way that they navigated gender made me jealous. i didn't know why.

more and more, rowan and i were separated from the broader relationship, and as we talked more, something developed. i had already felt it the first time we spoke, on some level, but it had grown and grown, from respect, to admiration, to desire and love. we were in a polyamorous relationship after all, so it made sense to me. but shortly after, when i told my partner what i was feeling, they freaked out. this wasn't the agreement, they had only agreed to them being able to date other people, didn't think that it would need to be specified because i wasn't polyamorous.

the entire relationship falls apart and we go back to being two separate couples, and the end of that came swiftly after. they cheated on me with A, and when i found out, that was it. my now ex partner told me that i could stay at the apartment until the lease ran out, and they would move back in with their parents. they took all the furniture, i was left with an ancient computer, a blanket, some clothes, and two pillows. my depression came back with a vengeance, and i stopped eating. by the time the lease ran out, i had lost a dangerous amount of weight. i became homeless for the second time at age 22.

this time, after only six months, i found a thin sliver of hope. i was given a place to stay. a single-wide trailer that i would share with three other trans women and a hairy nonbinary lesbian. you've probably heard the stories of similar situations. it's impossible to have healthy boundaries in a space the size of a can of sardines. or healthy anything really. i got involved in an incredibly toxic relationship with one of the other trans women, who i found out was dating nearly a dozen other people.

the only thing i could do was try to feel wanted. desired. i began experimenting with my image.

i re-established contact with rowan, but there was so much there that i couldn't bring myself to face yet. as i began to experiment with more masculine presentation, those around me took a greater interest in me. i was an object of desire. it was the most worth i had felt i ever had.

i wasn't eating again. so my weight kept dropping. in the three-odd years since my first encounter with homelessness, i had lost 30% of my entire bodyweight. this only made my physical issues get worse and worse.

i wasn't done with experimentation though. what could i do with this newfound territory?

the time came. i couldn't stay anymore. the relationship had fallen apart, and my connection to the household had been sent away in exile. the irony of this is not lost on me. i was lucky enough to be able to couch surf for a few months this time.

i lost weight again.

and again.

my knee got worse and worse. my iliotibial band tore. my birthday came and went, nobody celebrated except for rowan, now my only friend.

a week after my birthday, a lesbian couple contacted me. told me that they had a spare bedroom, and that if i could cover the costs of my own food, could stay for as long as i liked.

i started HRT again. rowan and i had managed to work through all the shit and scum of our past and started a relationship anew. it felt like this could be real.

i started to look a lot like my mom. kind of uncomfortably like my mom. rowan was butch, so i had thought i should be a femme. i didn't understand what that meant, but whatever it was i attempted, it wavered dramatically.

i began to switch, every month or so, between masculine and feminine presentation. my chest had grown enough that it was visible now, and i experienced an equal amount of joy and fear when i was gendered correctly in public, having learned to fear people finding out that i was a trans woman.

the weight didn't come back. it was like my body had burned itself so far down that it could not regrow. i had no energy, and my physical condition continued to deteriorate. but i was allowed to be myself. and i was in love with a butch. maybe that would be enough.

i began to develop a fashion sense of my own. the butch label was starting to appeal to me. and my roommates seemed to agree, since they both shifted towards butchness and masculinity alongside me. but it wasn't to last. one of my roommates, a TME lesbian i'm gonna call M, suddenly went off on a transmisogynistic rant to me. M's partner was a trans woman, and hearing this caused me to suddenly re-evaluate everything. did this happen because M viewed me as more masculine now, a more acceptable target? would this happen to G, M's partner?

i hardcore shifted gears back to feminine presentation. it felt safer. i stopped eating again. things weren't okay, but they were bearable this way. but then, one day, we got locked out of our apartment. a stupid, played out thing that happens to everyone at least once. while my roommate G went to see if the apartment manager was in with a spare key, i attempted to climb our balcony and get in through the unlocked back door. when i was up on the railing of our balcony, it gave way, and i fell to the asphalt below, breaking my back. following a trend that i set half a decade ago, i didn't realize it had happened. my back hurt, but i thought it would go away. it did, replaced by a vast numbness through the middle of my back. i began to collapse any time i tried to exhert myself physically at all. i would only find out why years later. the fact that i couldn't contribute to chores anymore, and nobody knew why, made the situation with M deteriorate much faster.

at my lowest point in years. my relationship with rowan was the only thing that kept me from giving up, but after the third time M decided to spew vileness at me i just spent months locked away in my room, terrified that any time i saw M was going to be another lecture about how i was disrespectful, loud, obtrusive, intimidating, too quiet, too lazy, whatever incoherent train of thought i would have to face next.

it was too much to handle in combination with the events of 2020, the lockdowns, the illness, the forest fires, things ended up coming to a head. at age 25, i became homeless for the third time, during the pandemic and a wildfire that filled the air with plastic fumes so thick you couldn't see ten feet in front of you.

i got in contact with my mother and had her take my cat, because i knew i couldn't take care of her like this. that was the last time i saw my cat in person before she died. rowan was frantically trying anything and everything possible to help me. i thought that this might be the end.

three and a half years ago today i got the best news of my life. there was a way out. it would be a long and tricky road, involving moving my whole life to a new country. but we could do it. not only could we do it, but we actually did it. in a months time, i was in rowan's arms. for the first time in our years of knowing each other, there was nothing keeping us apart any longer.

i was finally able to rest. able to eat. i started to regain weight for the first time in nearly a decade. i felt my energy come back, slowly at first, and then more and more until i was capable of functioning, even if at a low level. it's around then that i find out the truth of what happened to my back. it still hasn't properly healed.

in my gratefullness for life and love, i briefly forgot my identity crisis. i was happy to just exist without fear and pain. it wasn't until about a year ago, when a miracle occurred, that this changed.

i woke up one morning, feeling more energetic than usual. i think to myself, maybe i can do some light exercise, for old times sake.

my knee doesn't hurt.

my knee doesn't hurt.

MY KNEE DOESN'T HURT.

a wound that i thought would dictate my life forever, given actual time to rest and food to fuel the process, had healed. everything that i had ever given up on came rushing back into my head, ideas about who i could be, what i could become, what other injuries i might be able to recover from if i treat them right and rebuild myself. ten months ago i began to work out consistently. my back is slowly healing. i am stronger than i ever was before.

i have had to rebuild myself so many times. did i ever discover the secret of butchness in the process? no, that's something that i think will take the rest of my life. for now, my butchness is an enduring pillar, the only part of myself that never fully burnt away. standing up for myself, being my own person, loving another butch, refusing to lose the kindness i so desperately clung to my whole life, refusing to limit myself and my dreams, this is who i am. i am friends with other butches. i am not alone anymore. for now, this is butch. this is me.

#transgender #transition timeline #trans woman #butch

[bloodstainedsaint]

things better left unsaid. (dick winters x nurse! reader)

summary: you find out that perhaps war is not the best time for romance. (written as two letters from the two of you)

word count: 1650+

warnings: sappiness, angst of the pining variety, breakup(?), and ofc mentions of war

notes: any feedback would be appreciated 🫶, also inspired by @currahee's post about dick's "completely platonic" female penpal. since i've never read the letters between him and that woman myself, i took one line and ran with it

Letters written two days before D-Day. Though they were never meant to, both letters accidentally, and in no way aided by nurses and Easy Company men (specifically a man named Lewis Nixon) alike, make their way to their receiver.

Dear Dick,

I still remember the day you came into the base's hospital, looking for one of your men who’d been injured during a field exercise. You had made it difficult to pay attention to the soldier I was treating, asking like a concerned father if he would be alright. Not to mention your flaming red hair out of the corner of my eye.

Noting stupidly in the back of my mind the entrancing blue-green shade of your eyes, I had smiled and told you he would make a quick recovery. You’d returned my smile and said you'd be back to check on him. Like some silly schoolgirl, I had secretly looked forward to the return of this tall, attractive man.

Over the course of your several returns, we’d talked about ourselves while your private slept. Our easy conversations concerned simple topics, like where we came from, what we did before the war, and what we would do after it was over—though the fighting had yet to truly begin for us. There was a rumor going around base that you were a Quaker; lucky me, I found out you weren't before everyone else did.

There weren't many injuries at that time, and I guess you'd decided to stick around to watch your soldier recover. I was grateful for your company, as you were unlike a lot of the men I had encountered working here: flirty, overconfident, vulgar, you know the like. You were reserved and gentlemanly, with a small smile that I could tell you didn't show many others and a dry sense of humor. I suppose your humble beginnings in Pennsylvania had shaped you into a humble man.

Even after your soldier was released from the hospital, you came to visit me. I wasn’t sure why, and still am not today. You were a busy man after all—why spend time with a random, dime-a-dozen nurse? I wasn't complaining, though; like the fool I am, I had already began catching feelings for you, which I was sure were unreciprocated. You were probably just being respectful, I reasoned when I found my mind was full of thoughts of you, someone so upstanding wouldn't risk a relationship in times like these. If only I knew I was right. I wouldn't have bothered staying up at night overthinking every little thing you did.

During your free time, you would help me treat other patients, keep stock, move boxes, routine things like that. Over time your visits grew in frequency; so much so that your men had started teasing you whenever they saw you enter — sneak away to, rather — the nurse’s facility. I missed your company when you couldn't come visit, when arduous training took up too much of your time.

Fortunately for me, we started meeting while I was off-duty. Not surrounded by dozens of men, these stolen moments proved to be much more intimate. Taking walks around the base during the early morning before anyone else had risen or late at night when the base was fast-asleep was one of my favorite past times with you. You'd walk me to my small living quarters and offer me your jacket if it was cold, tell me about the seemingly universally hated Captain Sobel and how your men were doing. Sometimes our hands would brush, and I would feel my cheeks get warmer despite the biting cold. I could've sworn I saw your cheeks redden as well as your eyes snapped to our hands and just as quickly were averted.

Winter was coming to an end, and as the planned date for the Normandy invasion came closer, nerves were rising all around base. One mild evening, after a week of not being able to visit, you confided to me your concerns about the war. I boldly, brazenly, took your hands in mine and reassured you that everything would work out in the end. Holding my breath, we stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like a lifetime before you tentatively leaned your head down and kissed me. That was the first time I’d ever seen you unsure of yourself. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest; what if we got caught? What would they do to us, to you, after everything you'd gone through? But at that moment, time slowed down. Nothing mattered. It was just you and me, my hands in yours, and your lips on mine.

After our kiss, your visits started becoming more sporadic, until days without you stretched into weeks of silence. Do you know how much I longed to hear your calm, steady voice during a busy day, to watch the dew on the grass in the morning with you, to feel the warmth of your presence next to me as the stars twinkled in the sky? Eventually, I resolved to pull you away somewhere private the next time I saw you and give you a piece of my mind.

And so I did. As soon as I saw your tall figure, I took you behind the hospital and confessed everything I was feeling towards you: the hurt, the bitterness, the betrayal, the love. Irritatingly composed, you firmly told me that you had no time for such frivolities in war. As the words left your lips, I felt my heart shatter into a million different pieces and settle like glass in my gut. I told you, my voice not even sounding like my own, “if that's what you want,” and I entered the hospital again.

It's been a week since then, and two days before you drop into Normandy. And though you'll never read this, I yearn ask you: is that what I was all along? Some distraction that you entertained before I had to be pushed aside? I would've waited for you to come back to me after the war, would've waited for a better time. Is this it for us?

Although it pains me to say that I still love you, it seems that some things are better left unsaid.

Sincerely, (Y/N)

-

Dear (Y/N),

It’s now two days before our drop into Normandy. Much has happened to Easy Company since Toccoa. Much has happened between you and I since we met here in England, while you were treating one of my men.

I never regarded you as a potential suitor; I couldn't do that to you. Knowing that in a few months time we would be parachuting into France, I was reluctant to develop things any further. As it stood, I had already taken an unprofessional liking to you since that day we met in the base's hospital. Our following conversations certainly did not help the matter. Starting a relationship would have jeopardized my men and myself. I had to focus on running the company, and when we got deployed, I knew having a sweetheart back somewhere safe would have fogged my mind and gotten me or someone else killed.

Yet in spite of my reservations, I got ahead of myself and began spending more and more time with you. Though it was never explicitly confirmed between the two of us, and though we never said it, many would have considered us dating. We both knew what we were doing. For a while, and with the encouragement of Nixon, I relished being with you, taking you out every morning and night, assisting you with your tasks for the day. It was nice to get away from the duty of watching over my men and focus on the person I adored.

In the spring, as the day of the invasion loomed ahead of us, things were ramping up. I couldn't see you as often as I used to or would've liked to. The day I could ended up being the day we kissed, when things changed irrevocably between us. I wasn’t acting like myself that day; I let my feelings get in the way. When I stared into your eyes, I saw a lifetime with you, and without meaning to and without much due thought, I leaned down and pressed my lips to yours. From that day on, I knew I couldn't let this continue.

I needed space from you after that, before I went careening into the uncharted territory that is romance. It pained me to avoid you, but it was for the best: I'm a ranking officer, and you're a ranking nurse. Being caught fraternizing puts us both at risk.

But more importantly, it wasn't fair to you, my men, or myself. Easy Company needs a levelheaded leader. If I were to panic in the midst of enemy fire thinking about getting back to a lover, I'd be letting them and myself down. And the thought of you receiving a letter informing you of my death is something I could never forgive myself for.

I said as much when I told you I had no time for such frivolities in war. You didn't deserve that. I'll never forget the hurt that flashed across your face. I see it every day, reflected in the morning dew on the grass and in the stars at night. In everything I used to enjoy with you.

Nixon has since convinced me to rethink my decision to break things off. Nix is a very persistent man, you could guess. I don't think two days is enough to mend what is irreparable. But I can start with a letter I'll never send, so that if the Lord allows us to meet again, I can tell you this personally:

There may not be time for frivolities in war. But when the war ends, there will be time enough for you.

Sincerely, Richard Winters

#band of brothers #dick winters #band of brothers fanfic #dick winters x reader #hbo war #richard winters #richard winters x reader #hbo war fanfic #101st airborne #easy company #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers imagine #lewis nixon #i love winters so much

[fairysluna]

NOT THE BEST IDEA — Modern!AU | Final Part.

MASTERLIST | A little playlist that helped me to write this fic.

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Fem!Reader x Cregan Stark.

Summary: While the guilt is eating you alive, Cregan seemed to grow worried about your sudden distance, and he suspects of what really happened in the Lake House. A big decision is to be made now that Aemond seems eager to gain you back.

Tags/TW: angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of blood, aemond being a menace, wounds, violence, mentions of murder, miscommunication, toxic behaviour, veeery brief smut at the end. If something is missing pls let me know!!

Author's Note: i never expected this story to be more than one part long, but here i am posting the fifth part bc you loved it so much!! thank you for reading this story and for showing your support, this is dedicated to every single one of you!!🤍

Word Count: 5.3k

Tag List: (bold means i couldn’t tag you) @immyowndefender @bellameshipper @mysticgothicgirl @aemondswifeisme @issshhh @serrhaewin @loglady00 @melsunshine @izzy-the-ginger @champomiel @iiamthehybrid @ghostheartbeat @introverbatim @earthangels-things @omgkatherine01 @flosaureum @justanotherkpopstanlol @tssf-imagines @doublesparrows @aaaaaamond

This must be a punishment from the Gods.

You were laying in your bed, feeling as if the whole weight of the world was on top of your weakened body. Turns out that the kiss Aemond stole from you not only left you feeling terrible, but it also caused you to get the flu. 

Your throat was sore, and all beverages turned into torture to consume. Helaena has been kind to you, as she usually is, bringing you soups and herbs infusion that should be helpful to improve your sickly state. Cregan had gone to visit you too, taking chocolates, extra soft tissues and fast food. However, you would feel extremely guilty everytime he would arrive with his enormous smile by your side; after what had happened with Aemond, you no longer felt worthy of Cregan’s love.

He wasn't oblivious to your obvious and sudden change of attitude towards him. He knew that something was going on with you, but he couldn't find an answer to his questions, for you were refusing to speak with the pathetic excuse of having a sore throat. Though Cregan knew it was just a false justification, he didn't pressure you to tell him anything; he was hoping you would talk to him once you were ready to do so. 

But he couldn't help thinking that it was something that he did. 

And you were scared. Scared to face the truth and the consequences of them. Losing Cregan was, right now, your biggest fear; the fact that he could find out the truth and dump you for it was terrifying. You cannot allow it to happen, so you just find a solution by remaining quiet, without being conscious of the negative effect that it would have on Cregan. 

Helaena would be the wise one, telling you that even if you were scared, it was the right thing to do. And still, you couldn't find the courage to do it. 

"Aemond would make sure he knows," Helaena had told you, "and that will be so much worse because he will make it seem like you wanted it too."

"I should've left that bloody house as soon as I saw him there," you whined, trying to hold back tears as your beloved friend caressed your hair, "none of this would've happened if I had listened to Cregan."

"But it did," she told you, using that soft voice of hers that would always manage to calm you down, "it happened, y/n, and now you need to be honest with him… and with yourself." 

"I am being honest with myself," you cried, "I don't love your brother, not anymore. Not when he is constantly making me feel like shit."

"Cregan needs to know this. He wouldn't get mad at you, he knows about Aemond, he had known him since high school!" 

"But-" 

"He's a good man. A genuinely good man," Helaena interrupted you, now standing up and grabbing the empty bowl of soup from your hands, "We both know that he's not Aemond. He will listen before he does something irrational."

Helaena left the room, and you curled up your body hugging a pillow as you felt the distress running up and down your weak body. You close your eyes for a moment, but the feeling of the tears falling down your cheeks made you roll your eyes with frustration, because even two years after your break up with Aemond he was still able to do this; to wreck you and leave you helpless, with your mind as a mess and your heart filled with sorrow. 

You never thought you could hate someone in the way you hate Aemond right now. 

When a very well known song sounded and echoed in the room, you knew it was Cregan calling you from work. You thought, for an instant, about letting the song play until he would get tired of waiting for you to pick up, but again, he didn't deserve it. 

He didn't deserve any of this. 

"Hi?" you said softly, trying not to sound as if you were just crying. 

"Hey, love," he replied, and you swore you were able to hear the smile in his words, "How are you doing? Did you have a good night?"

You sighed, remaining quiet for a few minutes before actually saying something. 

"Y-yeah… I've been doing well. Hel just cooked me soup for lunch," you mumbled. 

"Oh, that's good," he cheered, "well, I hope you hadn't eaten too much because I just got out of work and I'm on my way to Wendy's. Do you want something special or just the same thing?" 

"The same thing, I guess," you spoke half-heartedly, feeling the knot in your throat growing with each word.

There was silence in the other line, but you were still able to hear the soft music playing in the background so you guessed he was driving his car. Then, a sigh was heard, a heavy and tired sigh that made you close your eyes as the guilt returned to you. You knew exactly what it meant. 

"Baby, can we talk once I get home?" He asked softly, patience showing in his voice. 

You bit your lip and considered the answer to that; you really didn't want to talk, you weren't ready to do it, and yet, you agreed. 

"Sure," you said in a choked sob, wiping the rebel tears with your free hand. 

"Great, so… I'll see you later," there was a dubious pause in the middle of his words, as if he was debating whether to say something else or not. Eventually, he said, "I love you, y/n."

Your breath was caught in your throat as a cry threatened to escape you. A little voice in your head was constantly reminding you that you didn't deserve him, that he was too good for you, that you were unworthy of his love… and you started to believe it. 

"See you later," you answered, your voice coming out shaky and breathy, so soft and low that Cregan was barely able to hear you. 

And then, you just hang up. 

On the other side of the line, Cregan’s eyes remained fixed in the screen of his phone as he was seeing the screen saver; a picture of you. His brow was furrowed as his heart ached a little, a bit hurted by the sudden distance you were installing between you both. He was growing desperate to know what was going on, though he was certain that Aemond was the one to blame; there was no other explanation. 

The sound of the horns from the cars behind him were enough to wake him up from his trance, and he shook his head and started to drive. An anguish feeling growing inside his chest was barely letting him breathe, and the fear of losing you was starting to succumb him.

He bought the food, ordering your favorite meal and taking it to his car to then drive towards your home. His hands were shaking with expectation and nervousness, not being sure of what to say once he started this so-needed conversation. He tried to remain calm, playing some of his favorite tunes on the radio, but it would do little to help. 

Once he parked his car, entered the main area and went into the lift, he bit his nails, seeing how the numbers would change in the tiny screen until it reached the number 7. The doors opened and he walked out, reaching the door that had a '7B' hanging from it, and knocked on the wood as he took a deep breath. A few minutes later, Helaena appeared in his sight, receiving him with the same kind smile as always. 

"Hi, Hel," he spoke softly as she took a step aside to let him in. 

"Hi, Creg," she said, before rushing her way back to the kitchen, where she was baking something that smelled too delicious. "She's been sleeping this whole time, she's getting better tho, the fever is gone."

"Good," he said a bit relieved, closing the door behind his back, "I brought some burgers, but I know you don't eat meat so I brought you some fries and an oreo smoothie."

"Thank you!" Heleana raised her voice for him to hear as he left the bag with food on the dining table. "I'm baking a lemon pie, so if you stay for supper you'll get a piece!" 

"Now I will," he smiled before walking towards the kitchen, grabbing two plates to place the burgers and fries. He was about to pick them when he stopped for a moment and saw Hel cracking some eggs, he couldn't help but to ask, "what's been going on with her lately? Do you know something?" 

He saw the way she tensed, he perceived the nervousness and how her hands slightly trembled. She swallowed hard, almost gulping out of nervousness, but she just ended up shaking her head, playing dumb. 

"I don't know," she lied, shrugging, "but I don't think it's something that you should ask me."

"Yeah," he sighed, "you're right."

Helaena pressed her lips in a thin line as she saw him go to your room. She didn't pay any more attention to it, turning around to keep doing what she was doing, though, for some reason, she was left behind with some weird sensation installed in her chest. 

Cregan opened the door of your room and saw your body covered in blankets, all curled up and hugging a pillow. He smiled softly, thinking that even now you were looking absolutely gorgeous. He looked at you for a while, observing your beauty as you slept. His attention, however, quickly went to the phone laying on the floor, so he left the plates on the nightstand and then he picked it up. 

There were no notifications in it, and Cregan was not the kind of person who would lurk inside someone else's phone even when he was dying to know what you were hiding from him, so he just left it on your desk before he started to softly move your shoulders to wake you up. 

You slowly opened your eyes, Cregan immediately noticed how swollen and red they were. There was no doubt that you were crying, and it killed him to think that you were not allowing him to help you. 

"Hey," he cooed as he started to caress your hair. 

Your eyes fluttered open and you slowly lifted your head to look at him. Your lips were dried and chapped, and you felt the need to drink water. Cregan noticed it, and he immediately grabbed the bottle of water to pour some of it into a glass and give it to you. You drank it all in less than four sips. 

"I brought the food," he informed, taking one of the plates and leaving it in the bed as you sat up. "Hopefully it is still warm."

"Thank you," you weakly said, taking a few fries and putting them inside your hungry mouth. "How was work?" 

"Boring as usual," he shrugged, "I couldn’t wait to see you. You look better."

"I feel better," you lied. 

"Do you?"

"Yes, Helaena prepared me a soup and-" 

"I think we need to talk," he interrupted you. You nervously ate a bunch of fries as you looked at the food in front of you, trying to avoid the eye contact that you knew would be the death of you. 

"Okay…" you subtly nodded, "what is it?" 

He grabbed your hand, and took a deep breath before he spoke, "I need to know what's going on, y/n. Ever since we returned from the Lake House you've been acting different."

"Cregan, I…" 

"You've been ignoring me," he muttered, and the fact that you were able to hear the sadness reflecting in his deep voice made your heart ache. 

"I haven't," you rushed to say. 

"Yes, you have," he replied, speaking softly as usual, not wanting to raise his voice at you. He tried to remain calm, "don't- don't try to deny it. Have I done something that bothered you? Are you mad at me?"

"Of course not."

"How am I supposed to make you feel better if you keep pushing me away? We're going through something, you can't deny that, but I want to fix it. How are we going to work this out if you don't tell me what is wrong?" 

You felt your nose itching, once again feeling the weight of the blame in your shoulders. It was a sensation that it was starting to suffocate you, almost unbearable. 

"I'm begging you, y/n. Talk to me, whatever happened back there we can find a solution and make it better, I swear it."

"I- I can't…" you cried softly, wiping your own tears as you were now unable to hold his haze, "I can't do this now, I'm not ready."

"Love-"

"Cregan, I don't want to talk about this right now," you said, raising your voice to make him stop. 

"You told me we would talk once I got here, and now I'm here," he sighed, losing his patience, "please, tell me. I can't do this anymore."

"Creg-"

"It's been five days!" he interrupted you as he stood up from the bed, louder words than before, "And in these five days you've told me you love just once, when you used to tell me that all the time! Is that what this is all about? You don't love me anymore?" 

"Of course I love you!" you whined, standing up from the bed and walking towards him. 

"Then what is it?" He lowered his voice once he saw you getting close, "Fuck, y/n, I need you to explain this to me, I'm losing my fucking mind."

"I just need time-" 

"More time?" He scoffed, and it was probably the first time you've seen him mocking you this way, "Don't you see I'm fucking desperate?! My damn girlfriend is ignoring me! What am I supposed to think about that?" 

"Cregan, you need to understand me," you spoke in a thin voice, reaching for his shoulder and trying to calm him down, "this is- is not easy for me either."

"Then let me help you!" 

"You can't." 

"Does this have something to do with Aemond?" He dared to ask, and your response immediately told him the answer. 

You froze, as if the pure utterance of his bloody name brought chills into your spine. Your lower lip shook as your vision became blurry with threatening tears. Cregan let out a sly, mocking laugh as his hands brushed in his face. 

"Cregan…" you tried to say, but he, once again, interrupted you. 

"Something happened between you and him at the lake, right?" 

Your head slightly shook, but Cregan was too blinded by his broken heart that he barely saw it. He just nodded, assuming his words were correct, and started to pick up his things. 

"Fuck this," he muttered, and then you broke. 

Thick tears running down your face as you saw your worst nightmare coming true. You tried to reach for his hand but he shoved it away before you could even touch him. 

"Cregan, please…" 

"I can't talk to you right now," he muttered, "just- just… fuck." 

He opened the door of your room and slammed it behind his back. The sound made you shrink in your position as you stood there, still contemplating what had happened. You looked around and before you could drop on your knees, Helaena walked into your room. 

Her haze softened in the minute she saw your poor state; trembling and sobbing quietly as your reddish face was soaked with tears. She rushed to your side and held you between her comforting arms. 

That night, Helaena let you sleep in her room, cuddling you as you cried and constantly woke up from nightmares that tormented you not only while being awake, but also as you slept. Suddenly the flu was nothing compared to the thoughts that were haunting you even as you tried to find peace in your dreams. 

Two days later you booked an emergency session with your therapist, and you told her everything. Every single detail of your life, your relationship, how you were feeling about them and about yourself. And the solution she gave was unexpected, 

"Leave," she told you, "Sometimes running away is the bravest thing we can do. You will not be able to heal if you stay in the environment that broke you in the first place. It's like digging your finger in an open wound; it would only make things painful for you."

"What about Helaena?" You had asked. 

"Helaena is your direct connection to Aemond," she tried to explain with soft words, trying not to make you panic, "I'm afraid you'll have to leave her behind until you know you are in a good mental state."

Those words were engraved in your mind, adding another negative thing in your life; leaving your best friend. Helaena has been your other half since you both met in preschool, never leaving her side, not even when you went to separate high schools. You would always find your way back to her. 

For a long time you thought that Helaena was the one true love of your life, for her loyalty to you was beyond the charts, and vice versa. That's why the idea of being away from her was unthinkable until your therapist mentioned it… and now all you wanted to do was to cry. Cry until there is no more anguish inside of you, until it leaves you dry. 

Of course you told Helaena. Later that day, when you both were in the living room watching some reality show, you opened your mouth because you couldn't hold it any longer. The bowl of popcorn between your hands was now on the center table as Helaena held you close, caressing your hair and tearing up too. 

"It doesn't matter if you go to the other side of the world, y/n," she softly whispered, "we will always find our way to each other."

"You're my soulmate, Hel," you whispered back, wiping the tears that had fallen in your cheeks. "Probably the only one who ever truly loved me," you muttered the last words, and you quickly saw your best friend shaking her head with a gentle smile drawn upon her face. 

"We both know that's not true," she said as she placed a strand of hair behind your ear. 

And your haze quickly softened once you realized who she was referring to. 

It's been three days, and the only messages you've been receiving from Cregan are 'good morning' and 'good night'. You knew for sure that all of this was your fault, the miscommunication and lack of honesty had brought the doom of your relationship with Cregan and you wondered if it was too late to save it. 

But you owed it to him. Cregan loved you as much as you loved him, and for that you need to try. 

A few days later, when the flu had already left your body and you finally got the guts to dare to speak about it, you sat on the balcony of your apartment, cuddling in the chair that you bought in a thrift store. The summer days were already leaving as a cold breeze sent you chills all over your body, making you shiver. Your phone was in front of you, and in the tiny screen it was Cregan's contact.

Just a tiny touch would do to start a very much needed call. You were longing to hear his voice again, soothing you as his strong and protective arms made you feel safe. You needed him. 

You were alone in the apartment; Helaena went to an exhibition of bugs in the Natural Museum of Westeros with some of her work mates. She had invited you, but you rejected it; you needed to start to learn how to live away from her.

That's why it was so weird for you to hear noise inside the apartment, steps clicking against the wood of the old floor as your body froze with fear. Without even thinking, you stood up, and you committed the mistake of leaving your phone behind on the table in order to go and see what was going on. 

You checked the rooms, the bathroom, the living room, and you couldn’t find anything out of place. You let yourself relax for a few seconds before hearing the fridge being open… and then you panicked even more when you noticed the main door being opened. 

"Helaena?" You asked with a shaky voice, sneakily walking towards the kitchen being grateful for being barefooted, "Hel?" 

And then you saw him. 

Aemond turned around at the same time he closed the fridge. He was wearing all black and his eyepatch was nowhere to be seen. You were able to see the precious stone replacing his missing eye; a look that would make him appear even more intimidating than he already was. You shrunk in your position, feeling helpless and belittled with his mere presence. 

The anguish returned to your chest, and the feeling of hopelessness was installed in you. Your lips were pressed in a thin line as your hands started to shake. Your mind felt dizzy and fuzzy with this unwanted visitor. 

"What are you doing?" You asked in a breathless tone, as if you were too tired of repeating this all the time, "Gods, why can't you just leave the fuck alone?" 

"I've came for what is mine," he answered, shrugging as a smug grin appeared in his lips, "I've came for you, y/n."

"I'm going to call the cops-" 

"I'm not doing anything illegal," he mocked. 

"You entered my house without my permission."

"My sister's house," he corrected you, "now, now... did you dump that stupid excuse of a man?" 

"Don't talk about him like this," you threatened him, speaking sternly. 

"Does he already know what happened between us, darling?" He stepped closer to you, and you looked up at him as he grabbed your chin, "does he know that you kissed me?" 

"You kissed me!" you yelped, already feeling the itching in your nose announcing the upcoming tears. 

"And you kissed me back," he pointed out. 

"You- you forced me to-" 

"No excuses, love, I know what happened between us that night, you barely fought against me," he leaned closer to your lips until he was close enough to rub your nose against his, "you wanted it as much as I did." 

And then, you were under his spell again. Your breath shaking as you tried to sigh to regain some of the strength you've lost in his presence, but with him it was impossible. 

His hand wrapped around your waist, pulling you close to him as his other hand wrapped in around the side of your neck, keeping you still. You could only look at him, for your limbs were unresponsive to your consciousness, and no matter how hard you tried to pull away, you just couldn't bring yourself to do it. You froze in your place. 

"Mhm… you're going to be mine forever, darling," he said, now brushing his lips with yours, "I will make sure everyone knows it."

You closed your eyes, and tears fell down from them as soon as you did. 

"Everyone will know that Cregan's little girlfriend belongs to me now."

And then it hit you right there, like a hard slap across your face. 

Aemond never loved you, and he never will.

For him, you were nothing but a trophy to brag about with others, a sign that he had finally won something over Cregan Stark. Aemond saw you as a consolation prize after all the times he lost against him, after all the competitions where Aemond was second place. In his eyes, you were just another thing to compete for. 

Suddenly, something switched within you. The sadness that used to make you freeze in front of his respectable frame was now becoming something else; rage. Anger washed over you as you finally woke up from those dreams your past self had left behind. You started to breathe faster, heavier, your face turning red as your tears stopped from falling. 

A feeling was installed in your chest, the same one that you felt the day when you saw Aemond and his new girlfriend. A feeling that made you see only red. 

With a strength you didn't even know you had, you pushed him away. He took it by surprise and stumbled backward until his back reached the fridge, dropping a few magnets in the process. The madness was clear in your face, your exorbitant eyes staring at him as he tried to regain his composure in order to grab you again. But before he could get any closer to you, you grabbed a knife from the center table and quickly put it against his neck. 

His eye widened with surprise as he gulped, and once he tried to move you away from him, you buried the blade against his skin, not so deep but enough to cause a small cut and let some drops of his blood fall down his milky skin. 

"I won't let you ruin my life!" You yelled between sobs and gasps, "Not anymore!" 

"Y/n…"

"I should've fucking killed you at Helaena’s party!" you screamed, as you saw a glimpse of fear on Aemond's eye, "Get out of my life, leave me fucking alone!" 

Your yells became a bit too loud and you didn't even notice. You were out of your mind, completely blinded by the rage and the adrenaline rush of the moment. Aemond was trying to calm you down, visibly anxious with the situation he was in. He never expected you to react this way, to actually put a knife against his throat, he was actually fearing for his life as he saw the crazy look in your face. 

You lost it, you had gone mad thanks to him. 

"If you ever dare to fuck with me or Cregan I'm going to fucking kill you, Aemond!" You threatened him, grunting as you push the blade a bit harder, now the blood staining his clothes and your hand, "I'm not fucking lying, you better leave alone."

Aemond gulped and slightly nodded, but before he could even pronounce a word, you felt a presence behind your back. You followed Aemond's haze until you found Cregan's frame, looking at you with widened eyes and a confused look in his face. 

Your eyes instantly softened with the sight of him, and the knife in your hand fell onto the floor setting Aemond free from your grip and threats. You started to shake, and feel weak; it was as if all the emotions arrived into your body at once making you feel like you were about to faint. You eyed Aemond who was grabbing his throat and looking down at your bloody hands with an horrified look, as if he could not believe what had just happened.

It was so fast, that you barely regained consciousness of yourself when you started to feel your breathing fastening and your heart beating too loud. Your vision became blurry and seconds before it turned black, you felt a pair of arms holding you tight against a firm chest. You felt everything around you disappear once the sweet cologne of your boyfriend reached your nose, leaving a feeling of peace before you passed out. 

You didn't know how much time had passed before you woke up, but you knew whose arms were surrounding your body, making you feel safe. Cregan noticed your eyes fluttering open and he quickly started to loose his grip so you could properly move. The first thing you did once your eyes were fully open, was to search for his face. His beautiful, ethereal face. 

His hand immediately went to your cheek, which had a stain of dried blood that he had not been able to clean as you were sleeping. He used his thumb to wipe the dry tears out of your eyes and then you sighed. 

"Aemond kissed me," you finally confessed, your voice sounding raspy and lower than usual. 

"When?" He asked, without stopping his caresses on your face.

"At the Lake House." 

"Did you kiss him back?" 

You took a minute to think about it. You did kiss him back, but it was because he had forced you to do it. The mere memory brought tears upon your already swollen and red eyes. 

"Y-yes…" you replied unsure, making it sound more like a question rather than an affirmation. 

"And what did you feel?" 

You frowned, "what?" 

"When he kissed you," he explained, "what did you feel?" 

Your bottom lip slightly trembled, and Cregan was quick enough to take his thumb to it, caressing it with care and delicacy. Inevitably, a couple tears escaped from you. 

"I thought that I would feel something," you confessed, "but the only thing I felt was fear, of you finding out and leaving me for it."

"And when you kiss me?" he asked shyly, in a whisper that you were only able to hear thanks to the proximity between you two, "when I touch you? what do you feel then?" 

It was indescribable, you thought. His mere presence was enough to bring calmness to you, to make you feel good and relaxed. It was something that no one had made you feel before, something that you didn't experience until you met him. 

You couldn’t find the word to describe it, but you chose the word that seemed to be close enough, 

"Peace," you muttered, taking your hand and placing it in his cheek. 

"Peace?" He asked, and you nodded. 

"When I was with Aemond, everything felt like waves crashing against my body in a sea which I could never leave," you shrugged, now going to his soft brown hair, stroking it with much care. "It was as it was drowning me, tossing me around without letting me escape… until I met you." 

Cregan swallowed nervously, and you could perceive a slight rose color in his cheeks. 

"You made it stop, Cregan. You brought calmness and peace to my life," your voice came out shaky and whiny as you started to sob. He wiped your tears as you sniffed and then, you continued, "You saved me from drowning, you pulled me out of the ocean."

You saw his eyes gleaming as he stared quietly back at you. You saw his pupils dilated after each word you would say. He never, not even for an instant, stopped watching you. 

"I love you more than I ever loved anyone before. I'm in love with you in every sense of the word. And I'm sorry if I was a shitty person and allowing you to think otherwise, I would never forgive myself for that… but I was so fucking scared of losing you because of what had happened. I was scared of hurting you."

He remained quiet, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as his lips parted a little, as if he wanted to say something but he regretted instantly. 

"So now I beg you to forgive me. I cannot lose you, Cregan. I- I love you so much that I feel I can't live without you anymore," you shrugged, feeling your cheeks soaked with your tears, "And I know that right now you're probably seeing me as a fucking psycho, as mad woman, but please, please, Cregan, I beg you to-" 

His lips silenced you in the most romantic way as he softly kissed you, holding your face in a delicate manner that actually made you forget about the rest of the world. The only thought in your mind now was the fact that Cregan was yours once again, and that you were his in the same way. 

Your heart barely burst once you felt his sweet caresses, and you heard his soft 'i love yous' against your lips as his arms returned to their favorite position: around you. 

With breathless words, he whispered once he had the strength to pull away from your lips, "Let us get away from here… come to the North with me, away from everything that troubles you. We can be happy that I promise you."

"Cregan…" you gasped softly. 

"No more tears for you, I promise you that. You would never get to feel as if you were drowning, because I'll make sure you won't."

"But-"

"We can find a small apartment for the both of us, we can have a new beginning together…" he muttered, pecking your lips every now and day, "I'll make sure to find an apartment with two bedrooms, so Hel can come and visit us whenever she pleases… what do you think?" 

And then, after days of feeling completely miserable and unhappy, a genuine smile appeared on your face as the tears dried in your cheeks and you nodded. Cregan chuckled softly, 

"Yes?" He asked, smiling back at you. 

"Yes," you said, grabbing his face just to kiss him once again. 

The need to show your love once again started to create a heat between you two. The big fight was over, your troubles will soon vanish, you had never felt more happy than you felt in that little intimate moment. It was all you ever needed. 

Soon your clothing started to disappear with the increasing need of feeling each other's body pressing. The necessity of feeling him closer than that. The kisses deepened, your hands became more curious and your breaths became heavier with each passing minute. 

Sweet moans were heard a few minutes later as Cregan was thrusting inside of you. Your arms and legs wrapped around his big and wide body, holding him close with the fear of losing him again. 

Your eyes closed as Cregan softly moaned against your ear, whispering sweet nothings and kissing your neck. You couldn't help but smile, feeling so loved, so treasured. Each touch would translate into an unspoken 'I love you'.

Right there in that moment you knew everything would be fine. All the nightmares had disappeared from your life, and a new beginning was finally waiting for you. 

And you couldn't wait to see it. 

#not the best idea #cregan x reader #cregan stark fanfic #cregan stark #cregan stark x reader #cregan x y/n #cregan stark x you #cregan stark smut #cregan stark x y/n #cregan stark x oc #aemond one eye #aemond x you #aemond x fem!reader #aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen smut #aemond x y/n #aemond fic #hotd aemond #hotd x reader #hotd x y/n #hotd au #hotd #hotd x you #hotd x fem!reader #house stark #house targaryen #house of the dragon

[adoroborosgoth]

Crowley dying in s3

I wasn't sure how to start this meta. I've had this theory with possible (big possible) evidence sitting around for ages and I just didn't know what to do with the information.

After I'd already had this information, I only seen a hand full of others talk about it, but none have touched on it in the same way as the things I've found in my research.

So let's get on with it. For reference I'm going to tag @nightingalecottage and their lovely post here. I really recommend reading it. This theory only saw the light of day because of their post and I told them I would tag them with my meta since it lends a lot to it. And I promised myself that I would finish this for them.

Now for the meat and potatoes. I'll break it all down about how I found this information and how it might lend some theory about possible plot to s3.

This got really long so I put a cut.

-Silly narrator voice-

The facts were these.

To start I was doing research for a fic I'm working on and the details don't matter much but I'd planned to make my 'human' crowley a barrister. I was googling famous barristers for inspiration.

This lead me to wikipedia naturally as you do. And as I was looking over the list I saw this.

After seeing this name on the list of barristers in popular culture I had a mini freakout. Mainly because two things NG is a huge fan of Charles Dickens and A Tale of Two Cities is on the bookclub reading list. And I kept thinking why did this seem familiar and this is why.

A Tale of Two Cities is on the list of books that they recommend we read or were found in s2. So after I stopped freaking out I immediately went to the wiki page for this character. I wasn't too familiar with this book so I wanted to know more. As I was now super invested and intrigued. And found this.

Sydney Carton

I couldn't help be blown away by the similarities here between Sydney Carton and a certain depressed snake demon from s2. Morosely asking Shax on a bench in the first episode "What's the point of it all?"

For some context, in the novel Sydney Carton and his later best friend Charles Darnay share a striking semblance and are easily mistaken for each other. This is how Sydney is then able to make the switch with Darnay in the end saving his life.

This brings to mind of the lore that we know that Crowley and Aziraphale were once long ago one character and split into two. Also with the ideal casting choice that Terry Pratchett wanted one actor to play both roles. That would have been really interesting and funny. Also this plays into our favorite duo MS and DT having not worked together before because they were up for the same roles.

Let's move on to

Charles Darnay

Darnay resents his uncle's views much how Aziraphale resents certain aspects of heaven, but is never able to act on very much.

The note about Darnay being tutor of French made me chuckle considering what we know about Aziraphale being terrible at French. With that whole scene centered around it in s2.

Ok so we all are well versed and familiar with the famous Bastille scene. We all know the one and its clear the inspiration here for it comes from A Tale of Two Cities possibly.

Side note Darnay and Carton are both in love with Lucie here, but I posit that in the case of Good omens, Aziraphale is possibly both Darnay and Lucie. Making him the best friend and love intrest.

Lucie Manette

And finally why does any of this matter and what does this have to do with Crowley maybe dying in s3 you ask?

The one important detail in all of this is that at the end of the novel Carton heroically sacrificed himself to save his best friend and for the women he loves. He feels it gave him purpose and felt as if his life finally had meaning.

Two things here. The scene in which Carton swaps places with Darnay being able to pass as him well enough to save his life. Is very reminiscent of our Body Swap from s1. As well as the idea that in s3 this could also happen, but in the sense that Crowley does it to save Aziraphale's life. I clearly have no idea how s3 will play out.

Now I'm not saying that s3 will be as dramatic as all of this. It is still a comedy at its core. As others have touched on in meta and in nightingalecottage's post there are many little hints that point to the similarities and the idea that Crowley maybe doomed by the narrative. In a way, I personally don't think that Crowley's hypothetical death will be permanent. I just do not see that happening at all. A temporary death I could definitely see and it could also serve to show how much Crowley truly means to Aziraphale. The shock of it would maybe be similar to how Crowley thought he lost Aziraphale in s1 and could be a parallel.

In the end this is all speculation and theory. Either way the idea of it all makes me vibrate and I needed to finally share this with someone else. They wouldn't have recommended this book if there wasn't some sort of meaning here right? And its entirely possible I'm looking in the wrong direction.

Overall there are many parallels and similarities here between A Tale of Two Cities and certain parts of Good Omens, I'm sure I may have missed some and I just wanted to end this now before it gets too long. If you made it this far and have any other theories or something you want to add on to this please feel free to tag me. I release this into the void.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #good omens 3 #good omens theory #a tale of two cities #charles dickens #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #doomed by the narrative #this got away from me #ive been sitting on this for months #its time #im ready to finally talk about it #may need to edit this later

[i4bellingham]

PLS can I request! I really love ur fics💓💓 can I request Trent going on a date with very shy reader and he finds it kinda cute but then she starts to speak up as they get to know eachother? pls pls pls pls pls !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEAREST : trent alexander-arnold x reader

note: match games don't necessarily align with what happens in real life so you can ignore that 💀 we're trying to be on the good vibes here so ofc liverpool wins 😤 + tried a different writing style with this one. thank you so much to anon for requesting! i know this took me a while to post so i would like to apologize for that and i feel like the outcome isn't what you exactly asked for but here it is 😭 i’m still in a writing slump but i’m starting to push myself to write again at the very least wskdbsjsj

You're very adorable, Trent thinks so as he stares at you from across the table during your first date.

You can’t look him in the eye properly, let alone hold a conversation without stuttering over your words. But Trent thinks that it's okay. It's very cute of you. He doesn't mind that so long as you're not actually intimidated by him.

Trent knows that he can come off as deadpan most of the time. With a face that looks like everything had left him, like he's not happy and enjoying although that's just how his face really is. He's not bothered by that but he is concerned that you're terrified of him in reality. That's something that he can't live by.

But your second date comes by and although the situation with you being unable to look at him properly without stumbling over your sentences wasn't entirely fixed, Trent at least knows that you like him the same because if that's not the case, then why would you agree to a second date with him. Right?

During that, you with your best tries to explain why you can't withhold conversations with him without your stuttering, or how you get so flustered easily by a single glance at Trent.

He almost laughs at your explanation, but kept himself from doing so because he doesn't want to come off as obnoxious; even though his supposed laugh is the embodiment of how much he wanted to cuddle you right then and there for being so adorable.

“I-I know you already notice that I-I you know... st-stutter a lot during conversations and I j-just uh want to apologize for that I swear to you I uh I uhm I’m not like this every time... it's just you're-you’re very gorgeous and I just feel flustered whenever I look directly at youㅡplease don’t smile or I’ll literally pass out right here-”

Trent nods his head understandingly but the smile on his lips doesn't fade. Not even until three days after your second date.

The third date came easily after that, a week right after the second date which was prompted by you asking the scouser for an Italian dinner night over at yours. And Trent of course doesn't let the opportunity pass to get to know you better.

The dinner, although you've told him that you'll prepare everything for your three course meal, was cooked with his help, hence reducing the prepping for a shorter amount of time than what would it have been had you not let Trent helped.

The conversation during that dinner went a lot more smoothly. He can't exactly tell what changed but he assumed that maybe it's because of the light banter and jokes being exchanged while cooking for your dinner date.

You managed to look at him in the eye for more than 20 seconds, a relevant and significant observation for Trent, and you countered his playful jabs with your own and even responded with a few sarcastic quips that Trent knew were something out of your zone. He appreciated the invite for the dinner date but he appreciated that you're learning to warm up to him more, most of all.

Third time’s a charm some may say, and Trent thinks so too because as your fourth date came by, he couldn't have been more surprised to hear you initiate conversations with him ranging from topics about your Uni to the latest gossip in your friend group that definitely piqued Trent’s interest. He was amused, enticed and hooked all at the same time as you rambled on how your week had gone sour due to a conflict within your friends.

He had offered some of his remarks that almost immediately you entertained, mainly agreeing with his points of what should have been done as you nod your head accordingly to his words.

Fifth date came by easily as it was initiated and Trent couldn't have been more excited to see you a week after the last date.

You were supposed to meet up over coffee three days after the fourth date ended but unfortunately, you had some things going on at Uni that occupied your schedule for two entire days. Hence why when you told Trent about a specific vacant date in your calendar (which fortunately and coincidentally aligned with one of his games), he had immediately asked for you to come visit Anfield to watch their football game live.

You certainly did not receive a package that exact afternoon after Trent had asked you to come watch their game in the mail. It was a football kit, Trent’s kit to be exact with a hand-written letter from the man himself.

Game day comes by and donned your red Liverpool kit, you're sat on the reserved seating arrangement for you and the other family members and friends of the other Liverpool players.

You managed to meet some of the girlfriends and wives of Trent’s teammates and was even invited in a coffee date out with some of them the very next week. You proceeded to watch the entire game with them after that, clutching on your red scarf the entire time as the play progressed, only letting go of it temporarily during the half time before holding it like your life depended on the fabric when the second half of the match began.

Luckily enough, the game ended on Liverpool’s win. But instead of going home directly, Trent, despite playing nearly the entire game actually asks you if he can come over. Just for the win, you tell him yes as you celebrate their victory by popping a champagne bottle open with some finger snacks you have in store.

What cozy night it should have been became a chaotic one as the both of your drunken state started a dance battle in the middle of your living room before transitioning into a failed attempt at karaoke that woke most of your neighbors.

The next morning after that is spent on your bed with Trent and your raging headaches and hangover; simply put, it was a memorable date night that would be reminisced even five years later as you're both saying your wedding vows in front of your families and friends.

#☆ i4bellingham writes. #☆ trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold fanfiction #trent alexander arnold imagines #trent alexander arnold x reader #trent alexander arnold imagine #trent alexander arnold #trent alexander arnold x you

[mywritingonlyfans]

the prompts are so cute idek which ones to ask for, i lowkey want them all 😭😭

maybe:

042: "My parents are coming over in 10 minutes so please put some clothes on" and

058: "We’ve become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about. "

i took a while because i almost gave up out of embarrassment, you were the only one who sent 😅 but here we go with something!

here's the prompt list.

He was running late, which was typical of him, but this time it was your fault. You were supposed to wake him up a few minutes ago, but his serene face and angelic expressions were too precious to be interrupted. You had been gazing at him for quite some time now, dressed and ready, anxiously waiting for your parents who had just called to let you know they were on their way. They would be there soon, and you had failed to wake Alex up on time as you had agreed, to which he had eagerly consented, fearing any behavior that could make your parents dislike him (which was certainly impossible).

"It's cute, but you've been smiling at me for a long time now, and it's startin' to get a lil' bit creepy," he lazily smiled, stretching with a comforting grunt. You smiled in response. Indeed, you had been sitting by his side for quite a while. He had a soft post-sex glow, flushed cheeks, as well as a disheveled mess of hair perfectly spread across his forehead. Not to mention, he wasn't wearing any clothes, with just a thin sheet covering his lower half, but still revealing the tantalizing connection between his abdomen and legs. It was a sight that was hard not to admire cautiously. You bit your lip at the thought, not feeling bad about it.

"Have you been awake for a long time, babe?" he asked, to which you were certain, judging by his expression, that it was the second time he had asked since you weren't paying attention. He held onto your waist, analyzing your face and the exposed skin of your chest through your thin shirt. You remembered a time when he had told you that he wished he could verbalize his feelings like you, in just a few words and complementary gestures that made him feel enveloped by you. But the look he was giving you, along with his warm fingers gently caressing your skin, screamed and overflowed with the same reciprocity, and just as intense.

"Not for too long, just enough time to shower and brush my teeth," you let your forehead rest against his, grazing your lips on his nose, cheeks, and mouth multiple times, causing him to slightly close his eyes and surrender to your touch. You hadn't been living together for very long, but it felt as if every minute of it made Alex wonder why he hadn't done it sooner.

"You could have woken me up," he playfully nuzzled his nose into your neck, pulling you closer to him. "I could have join you, little one. You smell so good." You chuckled, snuggling even closer. "I'm glad you don't think I'm stinky." Your hands held his face, allowing you to gaze into his bright and puppy brown eyes. You couldn't help but kiss him all over again. At some point, he placed his hands over yours, making the golden rings clink together, a sound that made both of you laugh, unable to describe the sensation.

You had lost track of time, not even remembering why you had gone to him in bed after the phone call. You could even affirm that you didn't recall the phone call at all until the doorbell rang. You looked at him with wide eyes, the realization that you and him should be ready by now. "Don't tell me it's your parents," he raised his eyebrows affectionately, holding back a laugh. He knew you well enough to expect that you had let time slip away.

"I'm sorry, I should have woken you up, but you looked so adorable, I couldn't bring myself to do it." His cheeks turned rosy, and you loved the effect you had on him so much that you did it on purpose. You always did it on purpose, no matter the situation. He quickly got up, with you clinging to his neck, and hugged you tightly while trying not to let the sheet fall to the ground. "I'll let them in and give you a few minutes to get dressed," you declared, disentangling yourself from him with a sigh that clearly conveyed that this wasn't what you wanted to be doing. Alex chuckled, pulling you back towards him by the waist, and you could feel your hairs a bit crazy on the spine as his lips brushed against your shoulder.

"Come on, Alex, I know it's my fault, but you have 10 minutes to get dressed and join us downstairs," you whined playfully, not even trying to break free from his embrace. Your instinct was to pretend you weren't home, but Alex wouldn't disappoint your parents.

"Just one more quick kiss," he requested, and you obeyed, hearing his satisfied exhale as you dashed towards the door. Alex swiftly put on his pants like never before, and as soon as he slipped on the same long-sleeved shirt from the night before out of sheer haste, he saw you reenter the room with a shout that you were already on your way as the doorbell was echoing through the house, and you grabbed his coat for yourself, something he didn't hesitate to allow. His clothes had become yours anyway, he helped you get decent on his piece. It was burning cold. You looked comfortable and that made him happy.

"Hurry up," you whispered with a teasing smile before leaving once again, and all you could hear was his voice, still hoarse and marked by sleepiness, saying, "We've become the clingy newlyweds you always complained about, y'know." He found himself happily running his fingers through his hair, unable to contain a silly grin.

As for your parents? By this point, they had become accustomed to how clumsy you both were when it came to each other, and living together only amplified that situation. Everyone expected it, and they, as well as all your friends had grown used to it.

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