#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism. #and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you. #this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off. #your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening . #anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :) #(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what. #cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men. #so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT. #instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them. #which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

[geminijade]

Calamity, Catastrophe and Calliope Chapter Two:

Age Gap ( reader is college aged and bucky is in his 30s)

Minors 🚫

Trigger Warnings: age gap romance (reader is college aged and bucky is in his late 30s) reader is going through an existential crisis, slut shaming if you squint. Mentions of sexual assault. Smut below the cut. Fingers in V. Female orgasm. Calliope is Y/N's code name. Happy reading, everyone! Hearts, comments and reblogs are always appreciated! 💞💕

Bucky's POV :

I drain a second cup of coffee, brush my teeth, and straighten my tie in the bathroom mirror. Just a regular day.

I scoff at my reflection because he knows that I was almost balls deep in the President's daughter last night, and nothing in this world is going to erase the memories of her because she felt too damn good.

Getting attached to the people I protect isn't unusual in this line of work, but Y/N Y/L/N is different. For more than a year, I've gotten to watch her transformation from the dutiful daughter-a good girl- to a young woman spiraling out of control. I've quickly learned not to underestimate her. She's a clever girl with determination, always finding new ways to get in trouble even when I'm constantly on her ass. But she can't hide the sadness in her eyes or how empty her eyes are when she's trying to become someone she's not.

She's not a slut, but she's trying it on for size. My best guess is that it's to punish herself as much as it to punish her family that has seemingly cut her out of their daily lives. My job is to protect them all. Y/N from herself, and her family from her behavior. Last night, I came thisclose to failing them all.

I walk through my apartment and belt on my holster. I haven't had to use my gun around Y/N, but I got pretty damn close last night. The vivid memory of Samuel Craigstone attempting to push his semi hard dick in her had me seeing red. The look of complete and utter fear in her eyes was undeniable. Whatever I heard last night through the bedroom door wasn't a cry of pleasure. She was frightened, and in turn I wanted to scare the shit out of the little prick on her behalf.

I had to think about my job. I sure as fuck wasn't thinking about it when I had Y/N squirming all over my cock last night.

Fuck. I have to see her in less than an hour and hope to hell that we both can pretend like it never happened.

I shrug into my jacket, grab my keys, and head out.

"Coffee?" Clarence hands me what would be my third cup this morning. I enter the control room. "Sure, thanks."

We're dressed in the same standard issue Secret service uniform so that there's no misunderstanding who's protecting Y/N whenever she goes somewhere. It doesn't deter some people as much as it should.

"Anything I need to know?"

Clarence shakes his head. He's older than me by a couple of decades, it shows in his grays and deep wrinkles. "Nope, she's been pretty quiet today. She's been sleeping a lot. You two must have had quite the night. "

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. "Never a dull moment. "

That gets a chuckle out of him as he takes a sip of his coffee. He knows better than most what my daily, or I should say nightly life consists of where Y/N is concerned, he gets it. But he can never know about our litte indiscretion.

Clarence has been assigned to Y/N since the move into the white house, he knows her routines and behaviors now. But I have to wonder if he was on duty last night, would he have known that Sam was hurting her?

He sets his cup back down on the pretty silver serving tray and straightens his tie. "Well, I hope that you're ready for round two."

I struggle to school my features, there's no way that he knows what happened between us last night. Because if he did I wouldn't be standing in front of him, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights. "Excuse me?"

He laughs a little bit louder this time. "She got invited to another private party again tonight. She's getting ready. Should be out soon. "

I paste a smile to my face and nod as if that's going to happen. "Have a great night, Clarence. See you in the morning. "

He arches his eyebrows and gives me a nod. "You too. Good luck. God knows that you'll need it. "

He knows Y/N is a handful, but because he's a lot older than her, he treats her like a daughter. Better than her actual father treats her. He doesn't want to fuck her. Thank God, if he did, I'd probably have to kill him.

I wait until he's left the building before I make my way to Y/N's room. Her door's shut. I knock. Loudly. I wait for a minute, I hear her making her way across the floor. She opens the door and I get my first look at her since last night. She looks tired, but beautiful. Her makeup done professionally. Her lips are stained red and glossy. She's wearing another little black dress with thigh high boots. My cock likes what I see, and I have a fantasy of her straddling me wearing nothing but those boots.

I slide my eyes up her body. "Private party tonight?"

"Yep." She fluffs her hair, it's wavy tonight but she's focusing on the floor. I'm glad she remembers her bullshit behavior at the last party. I'm not as thrilled as she is, remembering our litte dalliance in the car.

"Do you really think that is a good idea, after what happened last night?" She doesn't look at me, but shakes her head. "I'm fine. It's not going to be like last time."

She rolls her eyes, and I take a deep breath in to keep myself from treating her like a spoiled child. I put my hand on the door, silently saying that we're not done here.

She turns on her heel, walking farther into her spacious bedroom, and I follow her like a dog in heat. Her living quarters are a full suite, a large and opulent bedroom, with an en suite bathroom, and a cavernous living room. She walks ahead of me through the living room and into her bedroom. Her entire closet is on her bed, and an untouched tray of food and drinks sits on her bedside table.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Not sure why you care," she mutters. "I care because they pay me to."

She remains silent and carries on picking out some jewelry for her private party. It takes me a second to realize how shitty I must sound. Her own parents don't care about her, and they're the ones who are supposed to.

"I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it. " I am sorry, but I hide my emotions behind my voice out of habit.

"Forget it, okay?" She spins on me suddenly. "I don't need or want your sympathy, Bucky. I don't need you or your fucking opinions. "

"Just my cock. "

Her eyes narrow on me. "Excuse me?"

I walk towards her, my hands casually in my pockets. "You just need my cock. Or was that the alcohol talking?"

Her chest moves unevenly. I can't tell if she's aroused or pissed off at me. Probably both, if I'm being honest. "I can get laid whenever I want to. Maybe next time I will if you don't go all caveman on me and break down solid wood doors. "

She keeps me at arm's length, but close enough that I can smell the expensive perfume that she's wearing. Her words piss me off, but I don't show it.

"Maybe I won't, and maybe you'll have someone like Sam taking whatever he wants from you, and all that you'll be left with is regret that you let it happen. That I let it happen because you said that you wanted me to. "

Her features are tight, and I can see the memories playing in her beautiful eyes.

"You don't need to save me. "

"No?"

"No," she spits out.

Little fucking brat. She's an adult, and I've never met one more in need of being punished. She has no one in her world who will give it to her. No one willing to take the time and put her in her place. No one stop her collision course with self destruction. By the time someone notices what she's doing to herself, her reputation will be compromised and God only knows what she'll have put herself through.

Were my threats valid? Could I really sit back and do nothing? Could I stop caring about her so goddamn much?

No. Hell no.

This is going to be the either the best or worst decision that I ever made, but I'm going to stop her, here and now. And if this goes wrong I could lose everything. Including her.

"You're not going to that party tonight. "

She looks pissed. "You don't get to tell me what to do. "

"That's all changing now. Today, tomorrow and every day in between that I'm protecting you, you're going to listen to me. "

"Or what? You're going to tell on me? News flash, Bucky. No one cares. "

"I care. And if you don't obey, you won't be able to sit down for a week. I promise you, I can and I will do so much worse than that if you continue to push me. "

I see her throat move as she swallows hard and her eyes search mine. I give her nothing, my face remains calm. I try to keep my private life out of work, but that's all going to change.

"You're certifiable. " She shakes her head and tries to move past me.

I get to the door first, drag her against me, and take her lips in a kiss that brings back all of last night's memories. I can feel her anger melting, and I push her against the door as I close it. She groans against my lips as I shove her hips against me, I'm hard and I swallow her pretty moans with another all consuming kiss. Her arms tangle around me. I know that she'll let me take her right here, right now. But that's not what this is about.

I step back and spin her so her chest is against her door.

"Spread your legs for me, Y/N."

She hesitates for a split second before sliding them a couple of feet apart. Perfect.

"Hands on the door. "

She slowly slides her hands up and over the wooden door. Then, one by one, I take her arms and put them behind her back so that I can hold both of her wrists in one hand.

I lean towards her so that I can feel her heat, but I'm only touching her where I hold her. Her perfume settles over me, reminding me that she's a weakness. The way that I feel about her, the way I quietly want her.

I ghost my lips over her neck. I want her so fucking bad

"Do you trust me, Y/N?"

"Completely. " She answers with no hesitation or doubts.

I'd do anything to protect her, and she knows that. But am I really protecting her?

I kiss and lick my way up and down her neck. She lets out a quiet sigh and I feel her shift against me, but she's going nowhere. I suck on one particular spot. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough that I feel her shudder against me. I bite down on her sensitive skin.

She gasps a tiny breath in and exhales in a quiet groan. The sounds that she's making go right to my dick, she makes me instantly hard. I long to pull her against me and use her to torture me with more of her touch. But I need to stay in control. I tighten my grip around her wrists and she whimpers and leans back against me, trying to bring our bodies together.

"Are you wet for me, Y/N?"

"Yes."

"Show me."

Her breath catches in her throat, and I let her hands fall to her sides. She turns around and leans against the door. Her skin is flushed pink, and her neck is red from where my lips assaulted her.

"You have a tendency to be less than truthful. Show me what I do to you, or I won't believe you. "

She blinks slowly and reaches for the hem of her dress. She's frozen in place.

"I've seen you in more compromising positions, Y/N. Now do as I say and lift up your dress and show me."

Her breathing is ragged. She gingerly lifts up the black fabric up her hips and slides the tiny scrap of fabric that she calls panties down her long legs. I'm so fucking turned on I can barely focus on her movements. Her dainty hands frame the patch of light hair between her thighs, making a V.

Open up for me...open up...

I plea silently in my head. Suddenly, I'm seeing the petal pink skin of her wet pussy and it's the only thing that I truly care about. She still hesitates.

I shrug out of my suit jacket, undo my tie, and unbutton the top of my crisp white button down. I glance towards her and see the lust she has for me in her heavy lidded eyes.

"Do you want me to fuck you?"

She lets out a sharp breath. "Yes."

"Are you going to the party tonight?"

"No."

I wait for her to continue. "No what?"

"No, sir."

A satisfied smile tugs at my lips. "That's what I want to hear. Now, pretty girl, I need you to spread your pussy for me so I can see exactly where you want me to fuck you and how hard. I need you to show me how wet I make you. "

She closes her pretty eyes and her head falls back against the door. "Oh, God. "

I slowly make my way towards her. I cage her in with my hands beside her head and I lean in to whisper against the sensitive skin. "I'm bigger than any of your college fuck boys. If you're not wet enough for me, I'm going to have to tease some more out of you. I'm going to fuck you slowly until I know that you can handle me." I trail my fingers from her beautiful slender neck down to her ample chest that heaves under her dress. I pull the top of her dress down, revealing her beautiful tits. "Once I get you drenched I'm going to fuck you hard and fast. I'm going to make you cum, again and again, until you're so fucking drunk from my cock that you can't think about making any bad decisions. Understood?"

She nods. She's shaking. I silence her softly and take one of her rosy nipples between my lips and suck until she whimpers.

"Show me."

She does exactly as I ask, she spreads her legs a little bit wider and pulls her lips apart so that I can clearly see the inner folds of her pussy.

She's fucking perfection. She gives me a little bit more, trailing her fingers to her opening and dragging her slick up to her clit. There's no denying it. She's soaked for me.

"Good fucking girl," I rasp out against her soft skin because I can barely breathe.

Y/N' s POV:

His eyes own me.

Panting with anticipation, I drop both of my hands beside my body and lean back against my solid oak door. He's captivated me. I can't look away from him. He doesn't break our connection, he leans into me until his mouth is lingering above mine. He starts to inch his hand slowly down, stopping only when he reaches my cunt.

" Do you know what I can make good girls do, Y/N?"

The warmth of his breath against my mouth sends shivers through me. I shake my head, my eyes feel heavy. My voice comes out as a whisper. "No. "

He presses his fingertips against me, I'm swollen and throbbing for him. "I make them cum, hard."

He gives me no warning, he sinks his long fingers into my warmth, taking my breath away as he deepens his reach. My lips open with a gasp.

"You can be a good girl for me?" He sounds breathy too, I nod quickly in between thrusts as he finger fucks me against my bedroom door.

Harder.

Faster.

Deeper.

I surrender to his skilled movements, he quickens the pace, the ache in my core is hot and heavy. I crave more than his fingers, but the chance to plead with him vanishes. My inner walls are tightening around his fingers. I need him to make me cum. I fist my hands into his white dress shirt, wrinkling it as I'm climbing my crest.

"That's it. Let me have it," he rasps.

His heavy, authoritative voice pushes me over the edge. With a shudder, I lose myself in the darkness, allowing my climax to overtake me.

"Oh, God!" I collapse against him as I cum on his hand. He slowly lifts his fingers against my lips, achingly coating them with my juices. In one delicate moment, he drags his tongue over my lips.

He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, and then he licks his fingers clean. "You're too sweet not to share. " He leans against me, crushing his soft lips against mine. I moan against him and that allows him to slide his tongue into my mouth, allowing me to taste myself on his lips. He's raw and erotic, not like anything I've ever experienced with a lover before.

I begin unbuckling his belt, beyond desperate to have him inside me, but Bucky grabs my wrists. He makes my core throb, the pressure on my wrists causes me to whimper and arch my back towards him.

A look flashes across his face-something calculated, dark and unreadable. Before I can draw my next breath, he's spinning me around, he shoves me against the wooden door. He's pinning me with his bodyweight, grinding his erection into my naked ass.

"I should make you earn this. "

A shiver makes it's way down my spine at the feel of his warm breath against my ear.

"Beg me, Y/N."

My hearts pounding out of control. "P-please. "

He lifts his weight off of me. Yes, it's finally going to happen, he's going to fuck me-

Whap! His big palm collides with my ass,it's a painful sting.

"Beg me like you mean it. "

His voice is all hard and sharp angles. It usually pisses me off when he tries to tell me what to do. But this is different, he's different.

"Please, Bucky. I'm begging you. "

He slaps my ass twice in quick succession. "Please? Please what, Y/N? What does your greedy little pussy want?"

The sting of his hand on my skin is delicious, my need for him sky rockets. My hands are sweaty against my door. My pussy clenches with the memory of his fingers. I'm buzzing with fantasies of him taking me however he wants to, pushing into me with the passion his tone promises. I want him to possess me.

"Please, Bucky, take me. I want you. I've wanted you for so long. " The words fall from my lips- things that I never realized until right now. Who am I?

I'm a good girl. Bucky's good girl. He runs his hands over my ass, he's not making a sound. Knowing his touch without knowing his intentions is a special kind of torture.

"Take me...please, " I whimper, pleading with him, hoping that he'll take pity on me. I hear a low growl, he's going to give me everything I want-

A loud bang on the door startles us both. I almost scream, but Bucky puts his hand over my mouth to silence my screams just in time. In one quick moment, his metal arm slides around my waist and he pulls me back against his solid, muscular body. The sudden closeness between us awakens an unsatisfied feeling that lingers, heavy and deep inside. He's holding me against him so close to him that I can hear his name when it comes through his earpiece.

"Barnes? Do you copy?"

Bucky slowly lets me go and takes a step back. I turn to face him and he places a finger over my lips. He brings his wrist up to his mouth, and speaks into the communication device.

"This is Barnes. Repeat?"

Fuck. My. Life.

I feel defeated. Not to mention very exposed. I pull my dress back into place and I take a glimpse at Bucky, his eyes are locked on mine and just like that, he's back to the Bucky that I have come to know. Cold. Unexpressive. Angry.

"Copy that, Calliope and I are on the way now. "

His arm drops back to his side and I begin to button up his shirt. "Get changed. Your parents are requesting to see you. "

@samfreakingwinchester @shamrockqueen @aya-fay @chvoswxtch

#bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky fanfic #bucky x female reader #bucky x reader #james buchanan bucky barnes #james bucky buchanan barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky barnes #bodyguard bucky #bucky fic #bucky imagine #wip wip wip #wip #wip work #fic wip #my thoughts #my writing #my wips #my work #my fic #marvel men #marvel mcu #marvel #marvel fic #wip wednesday #bucky smut #bucky series #sebastian stan smut

[inkykeiji]

Thank you so much, Clari, both for responding quickly and for the response itself. (I was kinda anxious about this ngl) and I knew you weren't intentionally trying to hurt anyone! I'm glad you understand what I was trying to say and didn't feel hurt or attacked because that's the last thing I want😭 I make a conscious effort to separate cw and tw because boy oh boy have I gotten myself in sticky situations by using those interchangeably without a second thought so I suspected that's sorta what happened here. I prefer drawing stuff which I also have to tag appropriately and I really think that as artists (writing is art too!) we need to use cw just as much as tw. I genuinely can't express how thankful I am that you understand that, it's kinda silly but it makes all the difference. Someone who's unaware of what polyamory is would really misunderstand if it's labeled as a trigger, same with anything else that's not actually a trigger. And don't worry, I understand what you're saying completely so don't worry, you did not leave any room for misunderstandings about the bad relationships part of your response! :3 if anyone wants to avoid reading the xmas series because of the poly content then they should block the cw tag for it and not the tw tag!! I really hope I didn't start a war in your inbox though ;-; I'll be looking forward to reading the xmas series because it's not that often that I find stories with poly relationships written respectfully or by a person who understands them well enough so it will be the best gift to be able to feel so loved and included through a story with some of my favorite characters written by someone I admire so much. Thank you again Clari and keep warm! The weather is getting really bad in many places in the world🎃🧡

absolutely!! no problem <33 it's a serious issue, and likewise the last thing i would want is for you to think that i don't care or that i am intentionally trying to be disrespectful.

(just putting the rest under a read more because i know it's gonna get long hahaha)

no, you're right, and i should do the same, so thank you very much for bringing that to my attention!! i will be much more mindful about the differences between tw and cw in my tags going forward (though i plan to leave the general 'warnings' at the top of my pieces the same, though maybe i could bold the trigger warnings and leave the content warnings unbolded? at the moment i had only been bolding severe triggers (ie mental illness) but i think maybe bolding triggers in my little warnings paragraph is a good idea, too! just as an extra precautionary measure). i am also very glad to hear that you knew i had no ill intentions and could kind of see the error/mistake (as in, you could guess/suspect why it happened), and once again i am very grateful you brought it to my attention immediately!! this is how we learn and grow and become better, right? <3 i entirely agree with you, we need to use cw just as much as tw!

it is NOT silly. if it hurt you, or you felt insulted by it, it is not at all silly. your feelings are important, and they deserve to be heard and discussed!! you bring up very good points, and have been kind and respectful in bringing my mistake to my attention, thus aiding me in correcting it promptly!! additionally, i hope that through my mistake and you bringing awareness to it, that others can learn from it and be careful and mindful about cws and tws as well!! <3

you didn't start a war in my inbox at all, don't you worry about it pumpkin! i think everyone can understand where you're coming from, and i think everyone can understand where i was coming from, as well as my mistake. so there's no war to be had <3 your feelings towards the matter are valid and, again, i'm very happy you brought them up to me immediately so i could 1. explain myself and calm your anxieties/soothe any pain i had caused, and 2. so i could rectify the situation immediately as to not accidentally hurt anyone else/cause any further misunderstandings (on any side!).

i'm super glad to hear that you're looking forward to my christmas series for this year!! i would like to take this moment to warn you though that there will be rocky moments throughout their relationship in the series (ie verbal fights, feelings will be hurt, misunderstandings will be had, there will be some jealousy + some possessiveness (purely because those are traits specific to my characters regardless of whether the relationship is poly or not) and learning how to deal with those emotions/soothe them/find compromises, there is definitely a hefty amount of angst in there, tomura + dabi are still quite toxic), especially because they are literally JUST starting out, so one of the main themes of the series, or it's purpose and what it aims to explore and dissect, is how the three of them are learning and growing together, and how each of them is learning how to navigate this new relationship dynamic and this new chapter (the very first metaphorical chapter, or book, really, that's being penned by all THREE of them!) in their lives! so in that way i think it is very realistic as well. but there are plenty of super sweet moments that i think make up for the angst <3 either way, i always aim to be as respectful as i possibly can in my work <33 i just wanted to explicitly make it known that it won't be ALL sunshine and rainbows: bittersweet, just like life truly is <3 i will be very diligent in the warnings for each piece of my christmas series, i promise!

aw pumpkin you are the sweetest and i am sending you so so so much love!!! it is VERY cold over here hehehe we've been getting a lot of snow and i love it!! i'm not sure if it's cold where you are, but i hope you are staying safe and cozy either way <33

#you're lovely #i'm very glad we were able to clear that up immediately #and that i learned something today!!! <33 thank you for respectfully educating me; or reminding me of the importance of separating tw & cw! #SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG AGAIN LMAO I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY #waaah ily <33333 go drink some water!! i will too!! #🎃.anon #clari gets mail

[thechangeling]

I was debating for the longest time whether or not I would say something about this. I was going back and forth in my brain wondering if I was just overly sensitive or just overreacting. But here's the thing, clearly I was bothered for a reason. So let's address it.

https://eutony-in-whisper.tumblr.com/post/635886771265273856/i-didnt-know-youre-doing-this-otp-thingy-or-i

I have some issues with this post. I couldn't figure it out at first, why I felt so icky. So I asked for a second opinion from Alex and she agreed with me. Something was off. So we put our heads together metaphorically speaking and we came up with a few reasons why.

First of all, concerning the first point, I have issues with the idea of all of their main disagreements being about Ty misinterpreting what Kit's saying. Firstly because I feel like Kit would always clarify and be super clear about things because he is aware of Ty's autism. Most if the people in my life who really care about me try to be super clear with what they say and always clarify when they're joking or being sarcastic. Kit loves Ty enough to do that. This over looks the fact that Kit could potentially misunderstand Ty as well and that could let to conflict. But I feel like after everything in TWP they will have evolved as adults and gotten better at communicating with one another. Also Ty probably wouldn't just ignore Kit without telling him that he was upset or asking Kit what he meant. Idk the entire tone of the way this was written made me uncomfortable.

Also in terms of the whole jealousy thing. I've never understood the way monogamous people always treat jealousy like such a adorable romantic thing, and always use it as a trope to cause conflict like???? Yeah jealousy happens, but again like I already stated before my idea of future Kitty is hell bent on proper communication and talking through these things. In terms of making Ty be the one whose super jealous and playing off of the fears and insecurities of real autistic people, it makes me uncomfortable. Because we always gave that fear of not being good enough lagging in the back of our brains. Also a fear of rejection due to intense ableist brainwashing that essentially trains you to believe you are unlovable. Yes it's realistic, but using that as a sort of plot device or trope in a headcannon without any sort of trigger warning makes me kind of upset. Like I feel like a lot of people (allistic people) don't fully get the nuance behind these types of things and just throw them in there for the drama. Yes CC is guilty of this as well. Also on the flip side of that Kit's jealousy is presented with this trope of "oh I'm so alone, no one will love me," gets a little tired. Idk I guess I just want more maturity and nuance from a post TWP kitty.

Another thing I wanted to touch on is the kids thing. Now this is probably just me being picky but I've noticed that a very little amount of people ever headcannon them with kids. I think I've only seen like three kitty children headcannons on tumblr like ever. And it's true that there are plenty of valid reasons why they might not want to be parents, but I feel like a lot of people don't like picturing autistic people with kids because they think we can't be parents or just never want to.

That bothers me because it's just not true. It's also the belief that autistic people can't have children that leads us to getting our children taken away. Go look it up. The shitty thing is autistic parents who have autistic children tend to parent them really well compared to allistic parents. I'm not saying Kit and Ty have to have kids. I'm just wondering why almost no one ever goes there.

This wasn't supposed to be a hate post or an attack or anything. I don't have anything against @shadowhuntertrash I just had some thoughts I needed to express.

#tda #the dark artifices #tsc #kit x ty #kit herondale #ty blackthorn #autistic representation #actually autistic

[mysisypheannightmare]

No Hugs, Please - Chapter 5

Ch1 | Ch2 | Ch3 | Ch4

Notes: This and the next chapter will be in Virgil's POV so the writing style is a little different! (It's important to be able to set up the remaining plot, though!)

Warnings: Allusions to past trauma (Virgil), self-esteem issues, misunderstandings, touch aversion, negative introspection

Word Count: 2250

--

It didn't take much for Virgil to deduce that something was wrong.

The sense of dread rarely left him, sure, but the conversation he'd just had with Logan filled him with mostly confusion and doubt, where there had once been anger and resentment. He thought Logan had been lying to him, avoiding him because he didn't want to tell him to his face how he didn't belong here with the so-called "light sides." He certainly felt like an outcast over here, so it would've been true, if he'd actually have come right out and said it.

But, no, Logan had apologized, like he'd been reprimanded by a supervisor at work or something.

And then he even mentioned something about the others not listening to him? What was that all about?

Watching Logan ascend the staircase and disappear again for what would probably be the rest of the day, Virgil let his mind wander. And it was never a good idea to let it do that, obviously.

Maybe he should figure out what the hell was really going on around here instead of thinking up a million impossible scenarios to freak him out instead?

He started to stand when Patton stepped out from the kitchen with two plates and took his seat at the table again, smile small and concern in his eyes.

Oh boy, Virgil had already become accustomed to what that meant.

"So how'd that go, kiddo?" Patton started, pushing a plate towards Virgil with a grilled cheese sandwich on it, cut into quarters with the crust removed.

Virgil grimaced reflexively. Patton seemed to have a habit of treating him like a child, and it was annoying at best, while devastatingly antagonistic at worst. Both of those things were Virgil's job, thanks.

If he had said that out loud, Patton would've treated him even more like a child.

He stared down at the sandwich, refusing to look at Patton at all.

"Logan apologized," Virgil finally explained. "It wasn't a big deal."

Patton, predictably, pushed for more than that. Patton was always like that, Virgil had quickly found out. You give an inch, suddenly he pushes for a mile. There's no middle ground with that guy.

Virgil sighed, looking anywhere but at him as he reluctantly responded,

"He just said I basically read him wrong and he doesn't hate me. Yet, anyway."

Patton clapped his hands together with a big, warm smile.

"Ignoring your little comment at the end there because you're absolutely wonderful and everyone should know it, but I'm so happy you two worked it out!"

Virgil slid down in his chair.

"We didn't, really. I was just being stupid and he was dealing with something, I guess, so--" Virgil was cut off as Patton stood up and circled around to his side of the table.

"Sounds like a victory to me! I say a victory hug is in order! What do ya think?"

Virgil couldn't help gaping up at Patton, at his eagerness to be so…sunshine-y like this.

It must be exhausting.

Always making jokes, laughing, and having fun. There had to be times when it wasn't like that, but Virgil hardly ever saw it. He certainly tried, but Patton was just so happy. Too happy.

Nope. Not right now. He had to remind himself he already had a plan to figure out Logan's deal first. Then he could see what was going on there.

Patton opened his arms wide, smiling down expectantly. Virgil sighed and almost imperceptibly nodded before he was smothered in Patton's big warm arms.

He was honestly thankful nobody was around because he could actually feel himself smile and he hated it. It was just difficult to not like Patton's hugs!

It wasn't like he didn't try resisting, though.

From the moment he'd joined these guys on their side of the mindspace, he worked so hard to reject the others' bouts of affection, namely hugs.

He would duck around wrapping arms and sink out when anyone got too close with that particular twinkle in their eye.

But Patton was just so…gentle and caring all the time. He didn't let anything stop that. Yeah, he pounced at any opportunity to talk to Virgil, which was annoying most of the time, but he started checking before he placed a hand on his shoulder, and that spare moment of hesitation started to hurt.

He'd been without any kind of warm touch for so long…

Something that he had always thought to be conditional had suddenly become abundant and he just didn't know how to deal with it.

He reached a hand up to squeeze at Patton's arm.

Virgil kind of liked not having to fight for something so nice. Not that he deserved it in the first place.

And it wasn't only Patton, of course. Even though he and Roman butted heads all the time, Roman was surprisingly tactile when getting his point across. Virgil honestly liked seeing that dumb look on his face when Roman sidled up to him and Virgil purposefully backed away. But it could only be funny if Roman thought it was a joke, too.

He had to give in sometimes, and Roman was so stupidly astonished when Virgil actually let him ruffle his hair or put his arm around his shoulder, so it wasn't like he wanted to say no anyway.

And then there was Logan...

Virgil peeked over at the staircase as Patton slowly pulled out of their hug, reluctant as ever to stop.

Logan wasn't as cold as he came off in conversation. But he definitely wasn't the touchy-feely type.

The first time Virgil absently grabbed Logan's sleeve to get his attention, Logan had practically jumped right out of his own skin and then avoided Virgil for, like, an hour after that. He thought Logan hated him, because why wouldn't he, right? Virgil had to be Logan's worst nightmare, making everything harder for Thomas, which only made everything harder for Logan, too. It was only logical.

But then sometimes he'd just…ask to sit near him while he quietly read a book. Or he'd talk to him for awhile, discussing different philosophies without making Virgil feel stupid for having a different opinion on a lot of things.

One time, just a little bit ago, Logan had gotten him a larger terrarium after he offhandedly mentioned that the one in his room wasn't big enough for his spiders. Virgil, dumbass that he is, didn't even know what to say. He hadn't even thanked him. Logan told him it was just a gift and then left like it really hadn't meant anything at all. Maybe it didn't?

He always did that. He'd do something but say it held no meaning. He'd say he didn't have emotions (which Virgil didn't believe for a second) but then would clearly get frustrated at someone for not listening or frown when something went wrong or even give the smallest smile when he thought no one was looking.

And then when Virgil grabbed his shoulder that morning (because--again--he's a dumbass), nothing made any sense anymore. Logan had been so angry over something so small and accidental, and it felt like Virgil had gone right back to how it'd been before he'd left the Others. Whatever invisible line he didn't know was there had been crossed, and that Logan was so clearly pissed but acting like he wasn't?

Logan was very confusing. At least, when compared to the others.

Logan had said something about being "envious of his position," whatever that meant. It was like he didn't even realize Virgil was the outsider here, the obnoxious red stain on everyone's otherwise happy lives.

There was no way Logan would miss something so obvious, especially since he was always so good at pointing out everyone's flaws...

"And you still got an extra one of those on reserve, too. Don't forget!" Patton winked at him like a dork.

Virgil squinted, coming back to the moment and trying to sift through his thoughts to figure out what the hell Patton was talking about, but came up empty-handed.

"What?" He finally just asked outright, his voice sounding a bit harsher than he meant it to.

"I told ya before, that hug's waiting for whenever you want it," Patton assured him with a signature warm grin, seemingly unbothered. "Any time, anywhere, I'm here to listen!"

The others listen to you.

Virgil's eyes grew wide. Was this what Logan had meant?

He nodded at Patton, his mind racing again.

If Logan had been right about what he said before, what did that mean? Did the others really treat him all that differently? Was there a reason for it? Maybe they just saw him as a bigger threat in comparison so they were trying to be extra nice to keep him under control--

Patton enthusiastically waved at him, wiggling his fingers a bit, and grabbed his empty plate to return to the kitchen.

Virgil audibly sighed. The idea of Patton intentionally doing something malicious just didn't make sense, no matter how his mind tried to spin it.

No, there had to be something else going on, something else that he was missing.

But he had a pretty decent idea of where to look for it.

--

People-watching was not unfamiliar to Virgil.

He'd practiced watching from the shadows and observing others while cleverly blending in for years and years. Really, all the Others were a bit experienced with it by now, just in case they had even a small opportunity to grab Thomas' attention for their own. It was like fighting for scraps after the goody two-shoes "light sides" had already had their fill.

He also considered it really risky work. Virgil used to hate the threat of being caught, just the idea of being known. What would Thomas do? What would the other sides say? The paranoia kept him even more alert than Thomas' constant knack for putting himself in the limelight.

Some days, he wished he'd stayed as nothing more than a looming shadow, an indiscernible urge to run away and never return.

But, his stupid self got a single comforting word, was included on the right side of a joke for only a moment, and had a chance to not just grab Thomas' attention but also his consideration and his genuine kindness, and, well… it was impossible to go back after that.

Thomas needed him now, as weird as that seemed after being pushed away for so long. He'd fought for this all this time, hadn't he?

At least his old tricks could still help him now.

Well, kind of.

He remembered when he tried spying on the light sides long, long ago and how it never really got him anywhere. It was less interesting than watching Thomas himself, but it made it easier to find decent insults to throw at the lot of them when they inevitably found him lurking around.

Patton was the world's easiest target, as the softest of the bunch. He was always calling himself Dad even though he was just a big baby.

Roman? Spent hours in front of his whole wall of mirrors, primping and preening like a douchebag all the time. Didn't take a genius to figure out what would set him off.

And Logan, well… You ever try to watch paint dry? Because trying to watch Logan do anything was infinitely worse.

All that guy ever did was read, sort papers, read again, type on a computer, go give info to Thomas, read again, read, read, and read some more.

He was, like, the definition of boring.

But when he started correcting Virgil in conversation or bringing up concepts none of the other sides knew, it at least made sense why he had all that info. It was because he was always reading.

Just like he was at that very moment.

Virgil was sitting in the commons, earbud in one ear, pretending to be doing something on his phone while he actually watched Logan across the room, who was sitting perfectly upright in a chair, book in hand.

He remembered that trying to watch Logan in the past was one of the biggest deciding factors in why he outright stopped watching the other sides at all.

Logan turned a page. Moved his arm to the armrest. Reached his hand up to adjust his glasses. Turned another page.

Virgil turned the volume up on his music. This was going to drive him insane.

And it was all because he'd briefly wondered if he may have missed something all this time, but clearly he hadn't. Logan hadn't changed, and Virgil was stupid for thinking he could find anything out by watching.

Logan turned another page.

At least he learned Logan was a fast reader. Figures.

Logan adjusted his glasses again.

One of Thomas' friends had glasses and he'd always adjust them by running his middle finger right up the bridge of his nose. But Logan seemed to just grab the end of the frames and lightly push them closer to his face.

Weird, but not really relevant to what he was trying to figure out.

After another page was turned, Virgil got up and left. He couldn't do this. It wasn't working. He had to figure something else out, something that actually made sense, something that actually told him what he needed to know about what Logan meant.

He had no goddamn clue how he would do that, but anything would be better than this.

--

Taglist:

@peachplumfight @angels-are-beautiful

If you want to be added to a taglist, just let me know! Thanks for reading~

#logan angst #virgil angst #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #sanders sides #fanfiction #let me know if this needs tagged as anything #no hugs please