#i will compose an online rant about them at some point

[nostalgink]

Due to some past trauma from previous fandoms, I'm not particularly one to engage in fandom related discourse anymore, but when you not only name-drop me, but continue to perpetuate lies about not only me, but also my friends.... that's when I'd rather "clear my name" than allow for a nasty rumor to circulate when I know it's out there.

I want to go through everything that went down in order as best as possible. Even though I’ve spent so much time on this receipt post, truly this issue was something very small, the root of the issue lies with CookieRuby herself, given she decided to continue to create and perpetuate lies and rumors about myself and others. I know she will most likely continue to make up whatever she wants to have happened to obtain pity from those who do not know the context, but I thought that if she was going to do so regardless, I might as well let everyone know mine and my friends’ side of things. Because sadly I got some very worried and confused messages wondering if the statements were truthful. Hopefully this reassures most that they are in fact not.

I also would like to say while I am deeply upset that someone would lie about me like this and continue to emotionally manipulate, then double down on it all… I still do want to say that if you know people who act as such to please help them get the help they need. The timeline of this basically showcases us interacting at 3 points ever, but its obvious in her own obsessive world she has created, it has been brewing with her much longer. Which all of this is genuinely concerning and I hope she gets help. Despite my anger.

In the beginning

I believe I knew about them prior to them joining the old Darkwing Duck RP server I used to be active in back in 2022. If you know me, I follow practically every artist in the fandom. Especially as the fandom loses traction and there are less and less of us actively creating works. So naturally I followed. I even found her oc interesting. I mean why wouldn’t I? Magentus, while more of an oc now than he was in the past, at the end of the day still is my sona so to speak. I love seeing others put themselves into their own work in their own ways. Unfortunately once I got to know them, their attitude towards others when it came to their oc soured my interest.

In a lot of her posts, she makes claims towards my friends and I (as well as I suppose vague unknown other “harrassers” prior to us. I only put it in air quotes because the amount of lying she does, ironic I know, makes me question the validity of anything she says.) that we actively hated and made fun of her for disliking Drakepad. As you can see in the screenshots provided, that is exactly the oppposite.

I also want to mention the screenshots here are an anonymous friend’s server that I used to be active in. In the screenshots provided by Soy, it refers to their old server. Though I believe there is a point in our screenshots where one is referenced in another. (I am currently not looking at them, so I can recall which is referenced in which.) I wanted to make sure there was no confusion with that. These were provided to me by Drake. I could not find them on my own. This was her asking about playing her oc initally. and some stuff I didn't screenshot previously I think?

On Soy’s Side of things

Initially I had another draft of this whole rant, but because of these screenshots I got so peeved that I spiraled into a mad disorganized rage due to the ridiculousness of all of this. So I thought it would be best to rework my words into a more composed response. Personally I had read the first set of messages after they had happened, but when it comes to the discord screenshots, these were new to me. We were all suspicious of her potentially using an alt account on tumblr to ask as a “friend”. Because while I cannot say the same for my friends, I had online friends when I was young who pulled very similar stunts to continue to emotionally manipulate me into remaining their friend and under their thumb. I do not fuck with that sort of behavior anymore. And to note from Soy they said that they had joined their old dead DWD server and immediately dmed them. The obsessive manner of her continuing whatever game she thinks this is is a genuine concern and big alarm sounding that she needs to talk to someone. She is older than me, but I have already dealt with extremely similar people in my preteens, so it’s sad to see someone being so immature like this. (I hit the 30 post limit so the screenshots will be in the reblogs for anything missing)

responses to tumblr posts

Starting with the post that finally prompted this response, I want to cover my personal opinion of each thing mentioned. Unfortunately as you will see, I do not have proof for my own ponytown run in personally, but if you read all of the messages provided, you can probably tell who’s more truthful considering it’s a 1-0 with me having evidence and her none. You’ll notice she remains vague when she can, which is most of the time.

First we need to all heavily note that this was a supposed dream. She is her character Hannah in her dream, alongside Drake. Soy, an anon, and myself appear as “hooded people” in her dream and do an incantation on her in order to curse her to not be with Drake. I suppose this causes a curse that forces Drakepad to be real in her dream? Then we say quotes she is claiming we said. I will get to that in a moment. This is a summary so that if she deletes the post linked, you still have me explaining it. (I wrote this last night, unfortunately as of right now while I was acquiring links she did in fact delete the post. Likely because of my warning post from the other day. So she is stalking my account still.) Then her own oddly crafted happy ending where the spell is broken and she gets her ending of support.

Now I’ll cover the “quotes”

“Drakepad is the only true ship”

You will here her claim people saying this to her often. In reference to my friends, such claims have been proven false. We supported her opinion despite our own. Even comforting her and letting her know its awful for anyone to try and pressure her over such a simple difference in taste. Also adding the fact we supported her oc x canon even though she could not RP it in the old server.

“Darkwing DENIED YOU” with her claiming it is something I said to her in Ponytown.

I will go more in depth in exactly what I said in ponytown further down, but I never once said this. She insisted that my opinion was that her oc x canon was not valid. I was Negaduck in game, then I specifically swapped to my Magentus pony and stated how hypocritical it would be for me to say such a thing. Then proceeded to let her know, though I was annoyed, that it’s alright for her to not ship something she does not like, but continuing to bring up that you hate a ship to people you know don’t mind it or even ship it themselves is rude. Then she proceeded to do something I can only describe as something I am seasoned to as the son of an emotionally inmature mother. Again I will elaborate in the ponytown section.

“She gaved me PTSD by her DrakePad hate. And with her tumblr post who HURTED my friends saying we “FORCED” Drakepad on our server she lied.” Which was aparently what Soy said.

I cannot speak to how soy feels completely on this, but I know they did not develop post traumatic stress disorder from this. Nor have they said this quote if you could not guess. I believe the friend was the one in the screenshots between them and soy on discord I shared above. Again, I do not trust that these are her actual friends. This is not to say she couldn’t potentially have friends who agree with her, I just don’t trust her truthfulness especially with said discord dms. But you as the reader can make your own opinion on that. From what I was told by Soy, they joined (I believe after they realized they couldn’t do oc x canon with our Darkwing in the old server, which was his choice to make.) and asked if they could do darkwing x hannah. Soy and others kindly let her know that they were working on a drakepad relationship, but saw no problem in doing dw x lp x hannah. She accepted I think? But regardless then returned to our server to both brag about how someone finally let her, but soon ranted about how uncomfortable poly stuff made them. Some of this is word of mouth, but you can see other parts referenced back above.

“You deserve no friends.” by an anon

Again, I question the validity of this claim, but assuming someone actually said this to her this is horrible to say to someone. Back in 2020 I dealt with prosh*ppers in a problematic fandom harrasing me because I outwardly was against their adult x minor ship. Unfortunately if you know what fandom I mean. (keep guesses to yourself, I don’t want to bring it up in public.) You know it’s very popular unfortunately. I was sent death threats and people telling me how unworthy of friends, love, or anything they could throw at me. I would never say this to another nor condone saying this to another. Even if CookieRuby is in the wrong here. Everyone deserves the chance to have friends and flourish as a person. I’m angry but I’d never wish such a thing. And while I’m at it I would like to suggest to you as the reader that if you are considering doing such a thing don’t. Block her, move on. It’s not worth it. I’m only here right now to give context, then I’m done. I do not want anyone going after her. I’m just here to show my receipts, not to harrass her. I’d just prove her point if I did that. I’m not that sort of person.

And I was shown her speaking about her inferiority complex. I do not have one, so I cannot speak to how true this is, but considering this was March 2023...it seems despite her admitting this, she has obviously continued to lie about people. So I don’t know if she has that complex, but she is a chronic liar at the very least so there’s that I guess.

Ponytown run ins

The provided screenshots below are from before what I’ll be describing to you. I had to re-listen to a voice note I sent after this. It’s all I have besides the discord message of me realizing it was her. I do not want to attach it just because I keep my voice to myself most times. I’m shy gang.

Starting off I was just finishing my Magentus pony. For a while they had a color palette I had just chose myself without reference and I was finally giving them their reference colors. I was returning to the darkwing rock circle I was hoping to start a darkwing pony hangout at, when I saw a Darkwing pony approach. Now, I don’t know if this was coincidence of perhaps she knows about the hangout from my story. Considering she has alts, she probably was checking my story, but that is speculation. I immediately am eager to friend them because of their pony. But of course the first words from her are “why do you have me blocked?” my mood immediately changes as it hit me that someone had told me prior she had an account. Likely due to the incident in the other ponytown screenshots. I ask to confirm if it’s her and she says yes.

So I simply put that she cause discomfort to my friends and I and that I use the block liberally. During this I am scrambling to try and block her on ponytown too, but unfortunately my block list is too full because I have been blocking Dream SMP ponies left and right. So I decide maybe here is where I can put my foot down on things. I also mentioned a side thing about how the old server I was in had a policy about posting over people, but she seemed to focus on this more. (I do not recall if this was enforced at the time, but still it was focused on way more than the main issue I was bringing up.) I mentioned how she’d post over others. I told her that it wasn’t my main point and to forget that and move onto the main issue. I explain to her as adult as I can back to her Drakepad issue that “You were being rude to people because you could get your ship. We tried to be nice and I just blocked you because I didn’t want to deal with that [anymore].” and the only thing she got from that was me saying “rude” I suppose so she responded saying “oh so I’m the toxic one?” and boy have I heard this one get pulled on me before. It’s giving emotional manipulation. I calmly reply “That is not what I said.” I said something else that I couldn’t recall, though likely just me restating what happened, then she said “well I guess I’m sorry-” I was on a call at this time with my boyfriend while he was on break as this went down, so I began speaking to him irl. I guess I did not respond to her in time because she continued with the classic backhanded comment of “Since everyone wants me to apologize anyway” or something to that effect. It was in that way that someone who does this wants you to just accept the apology even though it was not a meaningful one. She does not have to apologize, no one is making her, but that was her attitude about it. I thought I’d just end it off there with a joke to myself so I didn’t lose it. I went “I have a mother, I can be emotionally manipulated at home, I don’t need this game from you. Bye.” and logged off. Honestly there is when it actually got personal. Somewhere in the middle she insisted what I had mentioned earlier with us hating oc x canon and drakepad and all that and that statement from earlier still follows.

I even have a later note worrying there would be a post on her tumblr, but I checked once and there was nothing so I thought maybe she had gotten over herself…..we are here now so nope. Also this was 2/2/2024 for timeline’s sake.

I was transcribing from a voice note, so if it seems like there are any holes in that ask me, I’ll try to fill in what I missed.

Misc

Lastly here are things I did not know how to organize into the rant. As well as some people making mention to their experiences with her in reply to my Instagram story. I swore I would get all I could and I meant it.

And anyways thank you to those who actually took the time to read all of this mess. I don’t know how I did drama back in the day this has truly been so exhausting to write, but it was important that I did. Honestly despite my anger this is really dumb to have to make, but I do not like being lied about. I especially don’t like my friends also being lied about. And again just block her and do not engage. I do not condone harassment of any kind. I am going to go sleep as I finish writing this. This was a tiring experience. She’ll probably continue but now I am satisfied knowing we’re all on the same page.

#jack flaps #callout post #receipts #drama tag :/ #darkwing duck #ducktales #oc

[nekrotiize]

Speaking again on the Blue Robot Twitter RP thing. Putting this under a cut, since it’s a bit long, and I’m writing this a little more formally than my last rant. I didn’t expect many people to see that, on account of community size, but it occurs to me I should’ve at least put a little bit of protective measures for people to be able to more easily tap in or out of the conversation. It is a triggering one. I apologize to anyone who was negatively impacted. Rectifying it now, though.

Content Warning: Discussion of Fandom Toxicity, False Accusations.

For those unaware, I was the writing team lead from the revival a few years back, and wrote several characters myself (10 mainly, 11 later, co-wrote 01). I was a late teenager for most of that, and I became something of a scapegoat for people’s complaints of everything wrong with the revival, despite not actually being the one who penned most of the things complained about. Whenever a comparison to the good of the revival was put up, it was almost always my work. (I’m allowed to brag, I was put through hell.)

I was not allowed to clarify that the people that were being spoken of as if they were me were not actually me, because the writing team essentially had code-of-honor-enforced NDAs on them. You just didn’t tell people you were the writer of a character due to the ARG elements. Any sort of hinting at you were the writer, or even outright saying it, was “dropping the curtain”. So, I basically had to just deal with the fact that several targets were put on my back that weren’t even actually mine.

Several people were violently, hatefully obsessed with me, and this lead to me getting constantly vagueposted, shittalked, accused of things like child predation/being a pedophile/supporting pedophilia for zero reason, despite being a victim myself (this got so bad that David, the CEO, had to get involved), et cetera. It was extremely nasty. A lot of people in that community were very deeply angry people, and would stop at nothing to make everyone hate whatever they hated. Assuming the worst in people was a reflex to many. It was extremely volatile and toxic.

I tried to keep everything in order as best as I could. I poured in countless hours of work to this community that seemingly hated me, a job that did not pay me, and completely ruined my mental health (I think I’m mostly recovered now, though, which is a big victory). I was the guy who did most of the work on the wiki, planned a bunch of fan favorite arcs, made a fuck ton of music and art, et cetera. Nothing I ever did was enough for people.

I know some people are confused as to how such a small community could be so toxic. I really want to address that, since it was something that confused me at first, too. I thought, naïvely, that less people would mean toxicity was easily to quell and manage- and in this case, I was wrong.

In this case, less people meant toxicity spread faster, and was less diluted.

Everyone knew everyone. I thought this was a pro, an objectively good thing that would stop- or at least hinder- people from crafting up petty drama and stirring the pot. After all, accusing someone you know of something is a lot harder than accusing a stranger. It’s easier to assume the worst in someone when you don’t know anything about them.

What instead happened was that the “everyone knew everyone” aspect made for the absolute ripest conditions for a panopticon I’ve ever seen. Everyone knew everyone. Everyone had a weapon trained at everyone. If you didn’t have a weapon trained at somebody, you’re getting shot yourself. I didn’t like the idea of pointing guns at people for no reason, so I got shot. Like, a lot, lol.

I think at least a solid chunk as to why this was the case was, like… The fault of the construction of the fanbase in general? As in, the kind of people that composed it. It wasn’t something you knew about unless you were deeply online (red flag one), on Twitter (red flag two), and super into the vocal synthesis fandom (red flag three). “Deeply online Twitter users super into vocal synthesis as a fandom” is a very cursed sentence, because… Frankly, not a lot of people who are even just one of these things are very hinged people. Being deeply online desensitizes you to the fact that the people you interact with online are people, Twitter functions very literally on an algorithm that very enthusiastically enables and emboldens outrage, and the vocal synthesis fandom as a whole is very… Weirdly discourse filled, and generally just not a very nice group of people to be around.

In retrospect… It’s kind of a no-brainer that it would be a pretty toxic place to be, full of hateful, angry people who don’t understand that their actions have weight and consequences. I just couldn’t see this when I was younger.

… Because I was the guy who accidentally revived the fandom to begin with. I just… Started making a bunch of art of my own mental image of the story, and a pairing I thought would work really well (I made 10/01 as a ship). I didn’t expect this dead-for-years fandom to come back to life, just because I was drawing things for myself.

I didn’t expect it to be this way. I didn’t expect any eyes on me. I didn’t expect that vile little corpse to come back to life, and I didn’t expect that it contained a hideous, hateful miasma of rot and venom in it that would ruin lives, including mine.

It almost makes me feel a bit guilty. If I hadn’t drawn those pieces, this fandom would’ve never been revived, and all those people would have never gotten hurt.

It sucks.

It really does suck a lot.

I am so deeply sorry to those who have been hurt. You did not deserve this.

#nekro.txt #ok to rb #it is also ok to tag as the thing this is vaguing #for clarification: I am not maintagging it because this is heavy and I don’t go in that community anymore #that’s not my space- it’s yours. #wishing you all love luck and healing

[the1975attheirverybest]

Could you explain the context behind Matty's speech today?

Sure thing! Disclaimer, though, I haven’t had the chance to sit with it yet/ catch up on the show. It’s like just turned 9 am over on my side of the world, lol. So this is just off the top of my head….

I think the key to understanding what’s going on here is in the fact that he revealed the fact that the speech was written by ChatGPT at the END. Cuz, like, he could’ve just said “so, I asked ChatGPT to write a speech that sounds like a Matty Healy rant, and this is what it came up with. Gosh I sound so annoying don’t I heheheh” but he DIDNT do that. In fact, he chose to set it up as an “interruption” of the actual show. Like, he asked the guys to “cut” the music.

This way, he’s got the crowds attention. Cuz if he had done it in a moment of quiet in between songs as he usually does, people wouldn’t have paid as much attention/ would’ve been talking to him or over him or cheering like “I love you matty!!” Or “shut up and play notes!!” So, he set us up by making it a surprise so that we’d pay attention. If you’ve seen the clip on tiktok, the crowd is almost completely silent. He starts to speak, and at first it’s all vaguely making sense….he even leans into it when he says “Matthew,” and strokes peanut’s leg 🥺 which solidifies the illusion that this is a speech that he wrote and planned to say as peanut was next to him. So it makes us think harder about what’s going on. Like, we’re all thinking “He seems to be saying something important but….bro is not making much sense….or maybe I’m dumb? Maybe I’m not getting it?!” So we wait for more, like maybe it’ll make sense as he keeps going / if we listen carefully enough. But it just gets worse and worse.

The speech SOUNDS like Matty. In the sense that it gestures towards desire for connection/ cultural critiques. It has a few big words thrown in there. Even the arc of it is Matty-esque in that it tries to end on a positive note. Some vaguely coherent sentence about us all trying to be better and do better and maybe we can change things. Which is the only part that the audience kinda understands (you can even hear the crowd start to cheer and clap at this point cuz they’re like ‘okay I’m familiar with this bit that he’s saying. Yeah it’s that sounds like something I agree with. We SHOULD indeed all be trying and changing shit’).

Then he pulls the rug from under us, so to speak, and says “you know who wrote that? ChatGPT” (in the clip I saw, a crowd member yells out “YOU DID!” Before he tells us that it’s ChatGPT).

So, why did he do that? Again, this is off the top of my head, but I think for two reasons.

1. It’s the ultimately self-performance, right? Literally saying shit that he didn’t write but that is written to sound like him. I’m not super tech savvy, but as I understand it, ChatGPT works on an algorithm that detects speech patterns. So, in order to compose this speech, it mined the internet for Matty Healy content. Which means that it was probably drawing on his reputation (and we know what the most prominent articles and posts online about him rn would say. If you were an algorithm, what pattern might you find?) as a public figure. Lacking the context. Lacking the nuance. So, in that sense, much like Peanut, the speech is addressing his personal “controversies” on one level, but also commenting on our culture and reactionary politics more generally. He’s literally performing the version of himself that the world thinks he is. Especially since the show changed BECAUSE of the vitality of the band on tiktok and BECAUSE of his recent “reputation” and he told us that he was going to be commenting on it. Reducing himself to a bunch of public impressions and behaviors and speech patterns and then putting them on like a performance.

2. He’s thinking through the artist-fan relationship. We have this trust in him. We go to these shows because unlike ChatGPT, we HAVE THE CONTEXT. We as fans know where he’s coming from. So what would happen if he were to alienate us? To say something purposefully weird and incomprehensible….it’s not even real fuckin English it’s just a bunch of nonsense with a few words and phrases that sound like something that he would say. We experience a moment of critical confusion. “I want to believe in him. I do believe in him. I wanna get this. I’m trying to get this. But has he cracked? Has he finally pushed himself too far and gone to the land of nonsense? Is he turning into the obnoxious self-centered artsy straight white guy that Twitter thinks he is? Has he always been like this? Is this what he actually sounds like in real life and it’s taken me seeing him live to finally get that he’s a fuckin weirdo? Matty, what are you doing man???” And then we hear that vaguely positive end to the speech and are like “phew! Okay this sounds good. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t get it.” And in typical Matty fashion, just having made a deep, poignant point, he’s like “JUST KIDDING ITS NOT ME ITS THE ROBOTS HAHA TRICKED YA!” Showing that the artist-fan relationship is still built on the same public impressions. If we fully listened and believed that he was serious only to find out that we were totally wrong, what makes us think that we know him any better than ChatGPT does? Or twitter ? The only difference is, we hear that shit and think “he’s trying to make a point” whereas Twitter hears it and says “ah this confirms exactly what I know. He’s a dickhead who’s in love with the sound of his own voice and thinks of himself as some kind of philosopher.”

Idk. I’m sure there’s more that I have yet to think about. I haven’t had coffee yet so I’m still warming up lmao. Does this make any sense at all? Does it help? Does it make things worse? Idk. Just my way of seeing it I could be 100% wrong.

[echoweaver]

Music Meme

 I was tagged by @pudding-parade!

🎶✨ when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, and publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)✨🎶

I had to think about this. I’ve been working to try to get daily music back into my life. I stopped finding places to just play background music in my life at some point, and I’m bothered that I’m leaning so hard on stuff I liked 20 years ago. (Not that there’s anything WRONG with that stuff mind you, just that it’s the same stuff.) My daughter is now in her music acquisition phase, and we share a lot of music back-and-forth. That helps me remember stuff I like best, and I’m getting exposure to her eclectic collection of music gathered from various YouTube sources. So --

“The Spirit of Radio”, RUSH. I am eternally a RUSH fan, and this is objectively their best song. 😜 I’m not quite over Neil Peart’s death in 2020. The boy toured pretty close to the end, and I saw the in either their last or second-to-last concert. Even though I pretty much hated their last album. Good times.

“Thunder,” Imagine Dragons. I got this band from the kid, and I like them. I’m trying to get her to listen to some of their stuff that she doesn’t find on random Warrior Cats music videos.

“Gasoline”, Enter the Haggis. Awesome Celtic rock.

The Lord of the Rings, Entire soundtrack. Probably don’t need to link. The passion of Tolkien runs deep, what can I say? But it’s also one of the best orchestral works of the 21st century. I’m a big fan of good movie soundtracks in general. Pirates of the Carribean and The Natural get honorable mention. I have an ongoing rant that the REAL orchestral work, the stuff that will endure, comes from movie soundtracks. The orchestral stuff we have now was generally the stuff written in service to The Man a century + ago. Movie soundtracks are about music that people enjoy listening to, as opposed to stuff composed as traditional modern symphony, which in general is generally composed to make people impressed with themselves for listening to it or something.

“This Is Me”, soundtrack, The Greatest Showman. Another one I got from the kid. She played it on the piano for her last recital. Neither of us have actually seen The Greatest Showman, though I did watch an in-game performance of it in Lord of the Rings Online because I just roll that way. I didn’t know what it was about and was surprised to see that it is the power song of the circus “freaks” of PT Barnum. That dropped me down a rabbithole of the lives of the real performers of Barnum’s American Museum. They deserve to steal the stage from him.

Honorable mention: “Frost”, Blixemi. Of interest to the Warrior Cats fans in my follows. This is an original song that the kid made me listen to that I really enjoy. I have a long history with filk and have nothing against original songs based on fiction!

ETA: Oh, right, tagging people. I still get so self-conscious about it! I don’t think I’ve seen this one about much, but it might’ve passed by without me noticing. Maybe @hazely-sims (teach you to comment), @anamoon63, @natolesims, @nocturnalazure?

#echoweaver #memes #non-sims

[charlotte-of-wales]

H&M Documentary Review: Episode 3

(my commentary is in italics)

LAST ONE LFG

- starting off with the engagement interview. Meghan calls it an orchastrated reality show. Oh, the irony

- They say the interview was scripted and they were told ahead of time which questions were going to be asked. 

- She said they (assuming it’s the palace) didn’t want them sharing their real story during the interview? I mean, was she looking for an Oprah style interview orrr

- little History lesson now. Long talk about slavery in the British empire than cuts to a child singing God save the King.

- James Holt (Executive Director of Archewell) telling the world he doesn’t know how google works and never bothered doing further research on things he never learned at school. Such scholar!

- David Olusoga, made a point about how with time London started to look like the capital of an Empire composed of non-white people with more and more black and brown people moving there; how there was an attempt to redefine British institutions and stuff. He says the moment he realized things were changing was when the engagement was announced (which is funny to me because that would make sense if Meghan was from the Commonwealth....she isn’t).

- ms. I’ve always been known for my brains didn’t know what a walkabout was

- Harry said he tried to help Meghan as much as he could but there wasn’t much he could do in terms of fashion (it was funny because Meghan was talking about these earrings she bought online, she still had the tags on some of her clothes, her zipper broke, she wanted to wear British designers and how quickly did that relatability change when she had access to that Duchy of Cornwall money)(ALSO this plays into the “she never got help narrative” but didn’t she have one of Queen Elizabeth II’s former aides helping her?)

- they showed a picture of her trying on an outfit which I think it was for the engagement photo call and thank god she changed bc that was not cute

- “someone can just call themselves a royal expert” idk babes ask scoobie

- Harry says a royal expert is the same as a royal correspondent.....no

- Harry goes on a rant about the invisible contract between the Royals and the press and is just not true. So far this has been the episode with the most lies yet. A couple quotes:

- “Anyone can be a royal expert. The whole of it is to try and lend legitimacy to media articles, and they get paid for it. That press pack of royal correspondents is essentially just an extended PR arm of the Royal Family”. 

- “There’s been an agreement that’s been there for over 30 years”

- UGH. First time watching I actually got mad. This idea that the Royals somehow control the media is bs and Harry’s insistance on it will only encourage sugars to run with their narrative that negative stories about the Royals (mainly William) are burried and bad stories about Sussexes were planted by the palace. Doesn’t work that way, buddy. Royals and the media (especially royal reporters who have been on the job for decades) do have a closer relationship but to say they’re an extended PR arm of the family is insane. They’re still journalists. 

- More explanation of the Royal Rota and this one didn’t come from Harry so it was actually accurate. Cut back to Harry saying BS again tho. 

- Harry: “it all comes out to control us. Like, this family is ours to exploit. That trauma is our story and our narrative to control” BABES THAT WHAT YOU’RE DOING AS WELL!!!! you’re exploiting your family and their traumas and YOU ARE controlling the narrative because your family can’t say anything and YOU KNOW THATTTTT

- gosh this is so repetitive. They are even reusing footage of Diana being chased. WE GET IT. Move on. 

- random but they’re showing footage of old Charles and his eyes are deep blue. Never noticed that. Thought William’s eyes were all Diana, guess not. Moving on. 

- James Holt saying the whole family had an obligation to perform and if they don’t, they fall out of favor with the papers. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN JAMES? You mean to do their jobs and shake hands? Get their picture taken? Share pictures of their kids a couple times a year? Gosh, making it sound like they’re circus monkeys. This man is annoying. 

- I can’t help but roll my eyes. These are two of the most privileged people in the world and I’m sure it sucked to be chased by the paps but some people struggle with putting food on the table like???? have some common sense. 

- Meghan’s friends saying there were paps staying outside their houses (MOST of which were in the US btw, keep that in mind)....I mean, sure Jane. I did not know the names of any of you before this but whatever floats your boat.

- damn Meghan’s friend throwing her mom under the bus to defend her wow these people have the best family dynamics ever

- Doria talking about being chased by the paps....in LA. Not the British media then. 

- Meghan talks about Samantha Markle. Says the media wanted Doria’s side of the family to be the messy one but Doria was too classy and it was the Markles creating issues. Said her and Samantha barely had a relationship.

- Oh wow, they brought Samantha’s daughter Ashley to talk. Meghan said “Ash” was dragged into the drama by the media but this is the first I’m hearing about this niece?

- Anyway, Ashley was not raised by Samantha but they reconnected and eventually feel out again over Samantha’s opinion on Meghan. Meghan and Ashley are quite close. 

- interestengly enough, although Meghan found Windsor to be medieval and the Royal Family too formal she loved Christmas at Sandrigham? Even if it’s known to be very formal

- She says it was amazing and it was like this big family she always wanted and it’s fun....so I guess they did welcome her after all?

- They talk about Princess Michael of Kent and the brooch

- the white dude who thought it was okay to wear a n*zi costume and use racial slurs lecturing me on unconscious bias. 

- oh so they are addressing the n*zi thing. Alright.

- Harry claims it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life and he just wanted to make things right. He met with a Rabbi and a Holocast survivor. (imo you shouldn’t have to do any of these to know you’re not supposed to wear a n*zi costume but  ya know, H is clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed). 

- Interestingly enough.....it was one of Harry’s biggest regrets in life and yet I’ve never seen a proper apology from him? And he didn’t talk about his use of racial slurs in the army?

- “I could’ve ignored it but I learned from that’. congrats you want a cookie for doing the bare minimum, sir?

- mr. and mrs. equality being introduced by their titles in a country where titles do not exist. lovely. (ps they walk into a room full of military people and the way none of them give a single fuck lmfao)

- this man talking about his experiences in the army RIGHT after talking about the n*zi controversy and DOES NOT address his use of racial slurs. He doesn’t care. If he did, he would have apologized. 

- “Jeez, I went to war twice” LOTS of opinions surrounding this statement, but I;d rather not share them. Just *eye roll*

- they made a POINT to show Meghan talking about Me Too and female empowerment and a reporter saying Kate didn’t wear black to the BAFTAs and Camila never talked about Me Too. Because nothing screams women supporting women like bringing down women in the family to make yourself look superior. 

- Tim Burt - strategic advisor to Archewell - saying the causes the Royal Family champions are strictly non-controversial. Not true. 

- Meghan saying there’s no class on how to act like a princess. Girl......

- Harry saying the press invents a lot of protocols which might be the only true statement he has given in this whole doc!

- they really are showing her getting fittings for the Carolina Herrera dress only for it to fit her the way it did. I can’t even. (I’m pretty sure the guy is the creative director for Carolina Herrera, he was there and that was the best they could do> Gosh)

- Meghan saying she could never wear the same color as the Queen but also not the same color as the other senior members of the family. BS. The family usually color coordinates. 

- She says ^ that is why she usually never wore color in family events and stuck to camel and white which is funny since Camila and Catherine wear white quite often. Plus, she did not choose a neutral color for Louis’ christening, did she? When everyone else in the family was in neutral colors. 

- Again, she said the neutral tones was so she could blend in. She certainly was not blending in at Louis’ christening. 

- Ashley (Meghan’s niece) implies her relationships were being managed (aka controlled) by the Palace. Sure, Jane version 294958583849.

- They immediately start talking about their comms team making it seem like every phone call they make has to go through someone else. BS. Ashley babes, Meghan had her own phone. If she didn’t text you, she didn’t want to. 

- They keep using Jason’s pictures. I would sue.

- Meghan saying she had compassion for their comms team (aka Jason) for dealing with the shitshow that was the PR before the wedding. Interesting version of compassion you have since they are all accusing you of bullying. 

- Meghan says the guidance at the time was not to have Ashley come to the wedding. That makes zero sense; it would be better press to have more of her family members there. Maybe her invite was sent to one of the celebrities Meghan never talked to before but who, for some reason, were at Windsor.

- now onto the Commonwealth talk.........

- listen, saying wealth was extracted from the colonies and flow into the British Empire is true. Saying the British elites benefited from it is true. I just it VERY interesting that neither Harry nor Meghan seemed to have an issue with that previously. In fact, they don’t talk about it themselves, they let other people do it. Both of them benefited from that wealth inequality through their associations with their royal family. 

- to say things are the same in the Commonwealth countries today as they were 100 years ago may be true, but these countries have their own governments who played a role in that. 

- girly is now praising Harry for educating himself into becoming “anti-racist” if you refuse to apologize for your mistakes then you aren’t anti-racist. Harry hasn’t. All he does is lecture people on things he actually does not understand. 

- I’m sorry James Holt sounds incredibly naive and good riddance that he is no longer working with the Palace. This man genuinely couldn’t tell those pictures of Thomas were staged at first??? Be for real

- Also, I truly did not know Thomas was supposed to fly to the UK and walk Meghan down the aisle until like 10 days before the wedding. 

- more about Thomas. I do wish they went a little deeper on their relationship because Meghan used to be a daddy’s girl and they were close and yet Thomas never got to meet Harry and next thing you know he’s doing pap walks?

- doc ends right before the wedding.

Oof. The other two were boring but this one made me mad lol. This doc is all over the place and I’m interested to see what the general public will think of it.  

Next 3 episodes coming out in a week.....

#susx doc

[mostspecialgirl]

nonsensical super nerd rant below about the fate series. spoilers for the stay night routes and zero ahead, probably

okay, we’re good, right?

every time someone tries to get someone else to start fate by saying “just watch it in the correct order. start with Fate/Zero :)” Something in me dies. Ive had to tweet about it so many times. There is no series i will ever have nerd rage of this caliber over other than fate. reading fate/stay night changed the way i engage with media and feel about storytelling and writing and all that stuff and its like Why would you ever want someone to spoil all of the coolest twists in fate/stay night by watching zero. it literally spoils like ALL of them. (by the way, gil’s introduction and reveal with him coming out of nowhere is what cemented him as one of my firm favorites. he’s so cool!!!!) And i know the answer. Because no one plays the VN. Because no one ever plays visual novels and theyd rather just flick on an anime. Because for some god awful reason there is no definitive adaptation that cleanly allows you to digest the fate stay night routes !!!!!!!!!! and reading the fucking thing will take you forever !!!!!!!!! and it’s so terribly inaccessible!!!!!! i probably wouldn’t have played it if my sister didn’t already jump through the hoops for me !!!!!!

people who are fate fans and talk about how good unlimited blade works or heavens feel are two starkly different groups depending on if they watched it or read it because they are genuinely two completely different things. don’t get me wrong i Love Love LOVE the heavens feel movies and i doubt they could have done them all too much better (ubw however… ) BUT the thing is fate RELIES on shirou’s internal monologuing and narration and SO much is lost when you have to transfer all of that from writing to screen. even with the english patch translation purportedly being less than ideal i was still out here getting my heartstrings played with by the writing.

BUT ENOUGH GUSHING!!!! THATS THE THING!!!! THE STAY NIGHT ROUTE IN ANIME FORM IS NONEXISTENT!!! UBW AND HEAVENS FEEL ARE SO SEPARATED!!!! THEY’RE THREE ACTS OF A WHOLE AND IT’S PAINFUL TO HAVE THEM BE SO SEPARATED PEOPLE START WITH THE PREQUEL that, while standalone is an incredible story, CANNOT BE EXPERIENCED TO FULL BREADTH WITHOUT HAVING READ STAY NIGHT FIRST!!!! PEOPLE ARE LICKING THE WRAPPER OF A CANDY AND THINKING ITS THE DAMN TASTIEST THING IN THE WORLD !!!!! YOU ARE NOT YET A FAN !!!!! YOU’RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT !!!!!! KOTOMINE’S VALUE AND INTRIGUE AS A CHARACTER IS UNDERMINED !!!!! GILGAMESH HAS NO TIME TO BE TRULY HORRIFYING BECAUSE YOURE TOO BUSY BEING DISTRACTED BY HOW SEXY HE IS !!!!!! EVERYTHING ABOUT KIRITSUGU !!!!!!!!! SAKURA’S ENTIRE BACKSTORY CHANGING HOW YOU UNDERSTAND AND VIEW HER AS A CHARACTER !!!!!!!!!!! THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW ZOUKEN EVEN EXISTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(composing myself instantly) i just think it’s kind of garbage how people see cool screenshots from the VN and go Wow I Can’t Wait To Go And Not Experience This Thing I’m Getting Intrigued By. or seeing astolfo and thinking fate is all about porn. fate is so much more than anyone thinks it is and you can’t understand until you sit down and read it and suddenly you’re born anew and have to go play tsukihime or mahoyo too. it’s absurd that fate’s whole reputation online is based around porn addicts because YES, EVERYONE, fate OBVIOUSLY began as a Naked Boobs Visual Novel but it was God’s Greatest Naked Boobs Visual Novel that was SO damn good it stopped being about porn immediately and cemented itself as an astoundingly successful work of fiction that has engrained itself into the world line. they added gacha to it and it’s been one of the most successful mobile games Ever. the seventh highest grossing mobile game of all time. and it’s straight up just another VN with barebones combat and grinding thrown inbetween

anyway i forgot what i was even getting mad about everyone should sit down and drain away a week or so reading through all of fate stay night. and then they can truly earn the incomparable experience of cry watching today’s menu for the emiya family. that is all.

supplementary edit: i used to read through fate stay night together with my sister every day in the late afternoon and it became such a great ritual for us. it was some of the best times of my life and if you’re going to read it and have a likeminded friend who can just sit there and chill out for like an hour with you it makes all the crazy moments so much more fun. because you probably are here to read my rant despite not playing the vn. i remember i had a little text file on my phone we’d update every time we learned the identity of a new servant or master and id be sitting there using my love for mythology trying to figure out their identities. there was such a delightful satisfaction when finished the stay night route and unlimited blade works and got to begin the next one. i’d give up a lot to relive those days, i think.

#leastspecialgirl #mostspecialreading

[uwua3]

snap.

🍁📸 fushimi omi

summary: 5 times omi pretends it’s fine, and 1 time he snaps

warnings: anger issues, therapy, fights

notes: i wrote this based on a personal experience i’ve been recently had with a friend! although they are dear to me, i get tired easily from serious fighting and it brings back bad memories. so, this is just an one–shot that makes my frustration productive instead of taking it out on people!

omi is definitely one of the most patient people in mankai, but i feel like even he has limits and snaps every once in a while. this is just an example of being so mentally tired of fighting that you have no control over your anger anymore ♡

word count: 2,387

music: down in flames – aj mitchell

1.

Omi had been friends with you for as long as he could’ve remembered. You moved to Yosei University two years ago during his freshmen year, and Omi quickly became your tour guide after becoming the resident photographer of the academy, meaning he knew every possible spot on campus.

The first time Omi met you was in one of his classes, where he found his way to the classroom and had one goal in his mind: sit at the seat closest to the door. Omi never liked confrontation, but he’d rather have the professor call on him for sitting front row than have to rush past countless students to barely make it to his next class. His schedule was so packed to the point he needed a break, so when he turned and saw you sitting in his seat, Omi nearly groaned in frustration. It wasn’t a big deal, calm down, Omi.

Omi hated getting angry. The emotion of rage was so common, but he understood it was second to whatever feeling he felt first. Omi carefully took a few deep breaths just like his therapist instructed as he made his way to the open seat next to you, sitting down with a practiced smile to mask his slight annoyance. Omi didn’t like anger, he didn’t want to subject any of his frustrations onto you, especially a stranger who didn’t know him.

It was ten minutes into class before the professor put everyone in pairs to discuss the topic with the person next to you as an icebreaker.

You turned as Omi remembered his lessons: put your hand out, have a friendly smile, and lightly shake their hand. That’s how you make friends, after all! The moment you took his hand, everything changed as you two started talking immediately and got off–topic way too fast. You two clicked! Omi’s underlying tension with you disappeared as his brain recognized you as a new friend.

As he waved goodbye and hurried to his next class, Omi looked forward to seeing you every class.

2.

You’re included in Omi’s friend group after no time at all. You fit in well without any problems, you got along with everyone and Omi was so relieved because he quickly found out you were... problematic.

Omi didn’t realize this at first, but you had a temper. It was an issue he understood, but Omi has spent his entire life trying to not let it explode out of no where. You, really didn’t care. You would initiate arguments over things that really didn’t matter, like miniscule things even Omi didn’t hyper–fixate on. You’d raise your voice, convinced you were 100% right and there was no room to disagree.

Omi would just apologize even if he didn’t mean it and move on from the topic, subtly changing subjects because really, arguing exhausted him. Omi grew up with an all–male house, so the testosterone within his family was tiring, to say the least. Omi had to be the peacemaker, the balance between all the boys (puberty was hell). So, deterring fights with you weren’t exactly difficult, it was just taxing.

One time, you were criticizing Omi for a joke he made. He couldn’t even remember what it was, but you were adamant that he was completely wrong and you began explaining why. Omi glanced around the room, you two were having lunch in the courtyard with his friends. They didn’t seem to notice, used to your outbursts and talked amongst themselves. Wow, thanks guys.

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” Omi tried to calm you down, but you got even angrier (how was that possible?!). You got into it like it was a debate, so Omi just silently ate his food as he half–listened to you and tried to focus on passing students. You went on and on, but Omi couldn’t find it in himself to fight back. He didn’t like that, Omi didn’t like anger.

Omi breathed in and out three times. Omi counted to ten in his head. Omi didn’t look at you. Omi hated getting angry.

So, Omi just kept saying sorry.

(But, was it even his fault?)

3.

You guys moved to texting to stay in touch outside of Yosei University. At first, it was school updates on events that you two wanted to hang out together at. Then, it became like every 21st–century friendship: sending memes. You and Omi had a similar sense of humor, so it wasn’t hard to send him something that made him laugh out loud. He didn’t really follow that many modern online trends because he was often preoccupied with schoolwork, but he understood the appeal.

It wasn’t until he questioned some picture you sent that you blew up his phone with texts, yelling at him for not knowing what joke you were referring to. Omi blinked, he wasn’t used to phone rants. You didn’t even explain the joke, you just made fun of his inability to understand things. Omi almost felt insulted until he remembered this was common, you just liked doing this. You were just tempermental, that’s it.

You were like his brothers. Omi knew what to do, trying to push aside his feelings of hurt as he apologized. You took it this time, much to his relief.

Omi decided to research more stuff about your favorite references so he could stay updated. You were much better with him the next time around and Omi avoided asking questions because you’d only get mad. Omi didn’t want you to be angry, Omi hated getting angry.

Omi hated anger.

4.

Your anger moved to the classroom. The students around you guys liked talking, so you five often grouped up for projects and always talked about “a C is passing”. But sometimes, you liked starting fights even in public with mere acquaintances.

Omi wouldn’t say your stubbornness was a fault. Omi once asked about it in a moment of bravery, and you surprisingly told him you felt silenced most of your life, so you didn’t hesitate sharing what makes you uncomfortable and what hurts you. That was fair, Omi became more understanding of your stubborness and inability to compromise without emotions clouding your judgement. He’d just have to work on managing it.

Omi’s therapist didn’t seem to like you, oddly enough. When Omi shared that you liked fighting, they almost looked concerned. They asked if what you started made Omi angry, and Omi always shook his head and denied it. Yeah, sure sometimes you got him riled up, but he’s never seriously yelled at you in public. He knew how to control his anger management issues, he knew how to be calm again.

He was close though, that day. You were in class, picking on him for something he didn’t even know about. Omi just laughed, trying to play the whole thing off as a joke as you tried to get him mad.

You always hated how, placid, Omi was. He never fought back and didn’t have the drive your other friends did. It was confusing, he was clearly passionate about his hobbies, so it’s not like he lacked energy. He’s yelled before, but always out of exaggeration or acting. Omi was a gentle giant, but you wanted to see him angry, for once.

When you said something particularly embarrasing, Omi’s eye twitched as his heart rate sped up. His blood pressure rose when people started laughing, taking the fun out of the joke when the attack suddenly felt serious. Omi was about to snap, say something he knew he’d regret before he took in a deep inhale through his nose, and exhaled through his mouth. In and out, just like his therapist taught him.

Omi just laughed, much to your chagrin. What was there to laugh about? How could someone be so composed, no matter what?

You gave up, not noticing Omi’s tight fists and practiced breathing next to you. Omi refused to get angry, Omi hated getting angry.

5.

University was closed because of quarantine. Omi missed seeing his friends and often relied on texting now to stay in touch. Omi wouldn’t say he was clingy, but he definitely liked sending messages and shared everything on his mind as the older brother figure. You didn’t seem to like that.

You: Why do you always come to me for these situations if you don’t even listen to me?

Omi stared at his phone screen, confused. Why were you suddenly angry? Everything was going so well, you hadn’t lashed out at him in forever. It was before quarantine, you were enjoyable when you weren’t suddenly mad at him. Omi typed, furrowing his eyebrows.

Omi: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you mad.

You had sent a message immediately, something about how you couldn’t listen to his rant today and left. Omi was distraught, had he said something wrong? Omi scrolled through his messages, but it’s like you got angry out of no where. Did you like doing this?

Omi muted your contact. For once in his life, he felt like maybe this wasn’t his fault, this time. You exploded on him when he was sharing a vulnerable moment, it almost offended him to the point of writing a long message to show he was hurt.

Never mind that, Omi just dialed it down. Maybe, his friends didn’t want to hear all about his problems, maybe he pushed too much onto them. Omi breathed out, bringing his pointer finger up eye as he pulled it back, seeing the glisten of a tear. Without warning, Omi felt himself start producing tears out of frustration. Omi didn’t know why he was so emotional, it had been so long since he felt emotions this intensely after the many, many one–sided arguments.

Omi laid his head down on his pillow, trying to stop crying. Omi didn’t like all the fights, pretending like it didn’t bother him, that you found it funny to try and test his patience. Omi hated anger, Omi hated getting angry.

But, this time, Omi wasn’t even angry. Omi was just confused why you were angry at him all the time.

You tried messaging Omi the next day. At first, he tried ignoring it, wanting to get some satisfaction from being the petty person for once. But, he relented, getting back in the same cycle.

You seemed to be avoiding the topic of what happened. Omi felt confused, and wanted to resolve the slight tension. Omi apologized first, and for once, you even said sorry back! You explained why what Omi did was hurtful (Omi really didn’t understand, but he tried to), and Omi responded in a similar fashion.

(You ignored it. You sent him a meme.)

Was it fair to say his feelings were hurt? Did his feelings matter to you? Omi sighed, knowing this was the best he was going to get. You were probably just emotionally drained like he was. At least, you weren’t angry.

+1

It was the next day, and Omi snapped.

No, scratch that, it had been mere hours before you got angry at him in a groupchat. For once, Omi’s friends were defending him, saying he was just making funny associations with some T.V. show Taichi made him watch and it was all fun and games. You got angry, saying you felt uncomfortable being associated with a character and that Omi always remembered things based on colors.

Omi stared at his phone screen, again. Omi just liked colors, he hated to admit it, but colors often were essential to his memory. So, no wonder he got into photography! It was just a different way of thinking, and Omi tried explaining that as best as he could. But, he could tell even the others knew his patience was on thin ice as he monotonously texted back.

Omi: Please calm down, it’s just a joke. I wasn’t personally trying to attack you at all. Why are you angry?

You had responded, again and again until Omi sighed, resigning himself to apologize rather than play into your games. Was this all a test? Why were you angry so soon after you two apologized to each other?

Omi said sorry, and you stopped saying anything. Later in the day, you tried to send him multiple memes you knew would make him laugh. Omi just left them on read, trying to go through his day without lashing out at you after the whole episode. It was one thing to fight with him privately, but in the group chat? Omi almost felt betrayed.

Omi was overcome with rage. Omi was just re–reading the messages before his vision went red. His blood was boiling, his heartbeat was drumming in his ears. It had been so long since Omi felt like he wasn’t in the wrong, like the argument wasn’t his fault. Omi sat up, trying to massage his temples as he breathed in and out. But, they came out uneven and haggard, making him even more on edge as he held his head in his hands.

Why was this the last straw? You had fought with him over worse, but this time, Omi couldn’t control his emotions as well as he wanted to. You starting fights with him wasn’t okay, it’s not fine. Stubbornness couldn’t excuse the mental drain he felt every time he talked to you and the way he’d tip–toe around everything instead of talking freely, like he deserved.

Omi picked up his phone, and texted you, despite all his anger.

Omi: I think we shouldn’t talk to each other for a while. I’m tired of being angry all the time. I’ve worked too hard to sacrifice all the progress I’ve made for myself to be calm, you can’t take that away from me. I don’t want to be angry at you, I just want to be friends. Please, let’s talk again when you don’t see me as your inferior, but a friend.

Omi muted you for good and didn’t bother checking your messages. Maybe you won, you got him mad, but Omi felt the anger in him fade away as he realized there’d be no more arguments, fights, or sides to choose tomorrow.

Omi was tired of saying sorry when he didn’t mean it. Sure, he hated anger and getting angry, but sometimes, Omi needed it to say “no”.

#fushimi omi #omi fushimi #a3! act! addict! actors! #a3! #act! addict! actors! #a3! actor training game #a3! one shots #act! addict! actors! one shots #mankai a3! #mankai company #a3! x reader #a3 x reader #omi x reader #a3! omi #a3 omi

[irandrura]

The Elder Scrolls - a disclaimer and rant

I am going to make some posts about The Elder Scrolls, and in particular, its background, setting, and characters. That means that a disclaimer is probably necessary.

Here’s the tl;dr version: yes, I know about the lore. Please trust me when I say that I was really super into it about a decade and a half ago, and I’ve kept an eye on it since. I have read the Michael Kirkbride forum posts. I have read C0DA, The Seven Fights of the Aldudagga, Sermon Zero, the Loveletter from the Fifth Era, and so on. I know the forum roleplays like The Trial of Vivec. I know that Ayrenn is really a time-travelling mining robot from outer space. I think all the stuff I just referenced varies widely in quality, opinions quite reasonably differ on it, and it’s frequently at odds with what’s actually depicted in the games, but at any rate, I promise that I know it.

So when I go on and talk about Psijics – I know, all right? I know. I am choosing to engage with the setting on a level that focuses more on characters, human stories, and, well, the narratives of the games. The TES apocrypha is interesting, but of limited relevance to the things I’m interested in. There are many valid ways to enjoy TES. Okay?

Now, the longer part:

If you haven’t played TES, and… actually, scratch that, for like 90% of people who’ve played TES, none of the above needed to be said. The thing is, when you play a TES game, it is a fairly straightforward elves-and-wizards-and-dragons fantasy setting in the D&D mould. Indeed, the earliest versions of it, back in the 90s, were based on a D&D campaign. So there’s relatively little surprising about it, and “it’s like D&D” will carry you most of the way towards understanding it.

However, TES games are also renowned for containing lots of in-game books you can read, which are often some of the most striking and evocative parts of the games. These are supplemented by a large library of apocrypha: often unofficial material, posted by developers (and ex-developers) on the internet. The most infamous of these writers is Michael Kirkbride, who has some… very unusual tastes and interests, but there are a range of other names as well. In any case, the result is that TES has an ‘expanded universe’ composed of these non-canonical writings. Often canonical texts in-game hint at some of this vast, unofficial hinterland, and sometimes ideas invented in the apocrypha sneak back into the games themselves.

Further, the apocrypha often hints at what seems to be a very different setting to the one directly experienced in the games: one that’s less about warriors and wizards and adventure and more one about divine magic, transcendence, myth, and meaning. The descriptions often seem to be somewhat at odds. This can best be demonstrated with some examples.

For instance, here is Michael Kirkbride’s description of a High Elf warship, written before any game had depicted the High Elf homeland:

Made of crystal and solidified sunlight, with wings though they do not fly, and prows that elongate into swirling Sun-Birds, and gem-encrusted mini-trebuchets fit for sailing which fire pure aetheric fire, and banners, banners, banners, listing their ancestors all the way back to the Dawn.

This is Old Mary at Water.

 You will immediately notice two things. The first is that this sounds really cool. Some of it you need some context to parse (the old elven homeland is called ‘Aldmeris’, hence ‘Old Mary’ as a mocking nickname given by its foes; the High Elves believe that they are literally, genealogically descended from the spirits that created the world at the Dawn), but even so, man, that warship sounds awesome. This Kirkbride guy can write. The second thing, though, is that it is extremely unclear what any of this even means. Given that descriptions… what does this ship look like? Try to picture it! What the heck does ‘crystal and solidified sunlight’ look like? How exactly does a trebuchet throw fire? What?

You might then go on to play a video game where the High Elves are taking part in a war to conquer the continent. If you’re like me, you’re probably keen to see one of these fabled warships. But then it turns out that in-game, High Elf ships look… like this. Or like this.

(Indeed, the High Elves are often a good example of this. An earlier written text, in a pamphlet enclosed with the video game Redguard, described the elven capital of Alinor as “made from glass or insect wings” or “a hypnotic swirl of ramparts and impossibly high towers, designed to catch the light of the sun and break it into its component colours”. Needless to say, should you visit it in a game, it does not look like that.)

After a while, you start to notice that there is very little connection between the world implied by the apocrypha and the world experienced in the games. Kirkbride says that the “closest mythical model” for the ancient knight Pelinal “would be Gilgamesh, with a dash of T-800 thrown in, and a full-serving of brain-fracture slaughterhouse antinomial Kill(3) functions stuck in his hand or head”, and says “Pelinal was and is an insane collective swarmfoam war-fractal from the future”. Indeed in Kirkbride’s descriptions Pelinal seems to have been an ultraviolent schizophrenic who led a wild, genocidal band of anti-elven warriors, was very definitely gay, and who had only a red, gaping hole where his heart ought to be (which in turn is a reference to the missing heart of the creator-trickster deity Lorkhan, whom Pelinal was in part a mortal incarnation of). You might find that really cool or you might find it banal, but there’s no denying that it’s extremely different to the Pelinal whose ghost you can meet in-game. The apocryphal Pelinal is a mad butcher whose closest mythic model, contra Kirkbride, actually seems to be Achilles; the game Pelinal is a straightforwardly sympathetic chivalric knight. This is complicated somewhat by the in-game books being written by Kirkbride and therefore being gonzo bananas insane, so the ‘canon’, such as it is, is unclear – but at any rate it is impossible to deny that there’s an incongruity.

I could go on with examples for a long time. I haven’t even mentioned the most famous – the 1st edition PGE description of Cyrodiil compared to what it actually looks like in Oblivion – or more recent ones, like the gulf between Alduin the mythic dragon who will consume the world and indeed time itself in its terrible jaws and the frankly quite underwhelming beastie you fight in Skyrim. The point I’m making is that there are effectively two TES settings: one relatively down-to-earth, immersive, and depicted in great detail in the video games, and one that’s this absurd mash-up of magic and science fiction and whatever psychedelics Michael Kirkbride has been taking this week.

I write this long disclaimer because it has been my experience discussing TES in the past that people who are mostly interested in the former – in the relatively grounded setting experience in the games – sometimes run into an elitist attitude from people who are interested in the latter. Sometimes fans of the apocrypha can come on much too strong, or gatekeep the idea of being a fan of ‘TES lore’. Any sentence that starts with “actually, in the lore…” is practically guaranteed to go on to be awful.

My point is not that the apocryphal TES is bad. As I hinted above, in my opinion its quality varies extremely widely: there are things that Kirkbride has written that I think are pretty cool (I unironically love the Aldudagga) and there are things he’s written that I think are indulgent tripe (C0DA stands out). Ultimately it’s all about what you enjoy, and I would never try to tell anyone that they shouldn’t have fun reading or speculating about or debating the zaniness of some of these texts. Indeed, as far as online fandoms and video game fan fiction goes, TES probably has the most fruitful ‘expanded universe’ that I’ve ever seen, and I think that’s wonderful. Kirkbride himself has said that “it’s really all interactive fiction, and that should mean something to everyone” and “TES should be Open Source”, which is a position I wholeheartedly endorse – and does a lot to take the edges off some of the worse things he’s said.

Rather, my point is that everyone should enjoy what they feel most interested in, or most able to enjoy. Further, I argue that there is absolutely nothing wrong – and for that matter absolutely nothing less intelligent or less intellectual – about a person preferring to engage with the version of TES most clearly depicted in the video games. Part of this might be defensiveness on my part, because in my opinion what TES has always done best is a nuanced depiction of cultural conflict: this is particularly the case in Morrowind and Skyrim, and ESO’s better expansions tend to deal in this area as well. As such I take relatively little interest in the metaphysical content of much of the apocrypha. For me, Shor, say, is most interesting as the protagonist of several conflicting cultural narratives, rather than as a metaphysical essence.

I would also argue that the most recent game content has taken a good approach by going out of its way to legitimise a range of possible approaches to the setting. The latest chapter of ESO, Greymoor, includes a system where the player can dig up ancient artifacts, and a number of NPC scholars will comment on them for you. This allows the game to indicate in-character scholarly disagreement over issues fans have previously debated. One item shows disagreement over whether the mythical character Morihaus was literally a bull, or a minotaur, or whether he was a human allegorically referred to as a bull. Another one points to disagreement over the possibility of magical spaceships: apocryphal materials have referred to ‘Sunbirds of Alinor’, ‘Reman Mananauts’, etc., as sorts of magical astronauts, but that seems so ridiculous given what we’ve seen in the games as to be easily discounted. I like items like this in-game because they seem to say to players, “It’s okay to disagree over questions like this – no one is doing TES wrong.”

That said, I am reasonably positive that I’m in the minority here, because I am in the camp that usually says that legends exaggerate, and so Morihaus probably wasn’t a bull and magical spaceships don’t exist. This is not a popular position. My reason, of course, is that I think tales are more likely to grow in the telling rather than shrink, and I have a dozen of what I think are hard-to-deny examples of this happening in TES (e.g. heroic narratives of the War of Betony are very different to the grubby reality you uncover in Daggerfall, or Tiber Septim is almost certainly from Alcaire rather than Atmora). However, this means that I openly take an opposite methodology to Michael Kirkbride. Kirkbride was once asked by a forum poster whether some in-game writings are exaggerated. His reply was: “I prefer, "It is very possible, as is the case throughout this magical world, that some of the exaggerated claims made about some subjects pale in comparison to the Monkey Truth. ZOMGWTFGIANTFEATHEREDFLUTYRANTS."”

Needless to say, I find this implausible, and it means that, for example, I interpret the Remanada as an obvious piece of propaganda, inventing a story about Alessia’s ghost in order to retroactively explain why Reman, probably born the son of a hill chieftain with zero connection to the previous dynasty, really has imperial blood. This is a very different but in my opinion more historically plausible take than Kirkbride’s, who has a naked thirteen year old Reman standing atop his harem and slaughtering recalcitrant followers.

I’m not saying that my approach is objectively correct. It’s all fiction – and as Kirkbride said, TES is open source. The only thing that matters is what you the reader, player, or interpreter find the most interesting. For me, that means generally favouring what is seen in the games over the developer apocrypha, which I can take or leave.

At any rate.

I’m going to go on and make some more fannish posts about stuff in ESO that I liked.

Just… if it’s relevant, be aware that I am familiar with the zany stuff. Some of it I like, a lot of it I don’t like, and I feel no obligation to use it if I don’t like it.

There. Disclaimer over.

[kitty8roses]

This is what I sent to her lol (under a cut tho bc im not that mean)

DONT LOOK UNDER THIS CUT FOR GIVEN SPOILERS!!!!

Ritsuka quickly realizes that Mafuyu is an exceptionally talented singer, and invites him to join the band. Ritsuka learns that Mafuyu's guitar was previously owned by Yuuki, Mafuyu's childhood friend and boyfriend who died in an apparent suicide. The band begins composing music in advance of a live performance, but Mafuyu is unable to write lyrics for the song.

On the day of the performance, Mafuyu has a breakthrough and sings a powerful song about his feelings of loss over Yuuki. The song prompts Ritsuka to realize his romantic feelings for Mafuyu; he kisses him backstage, and they begin dating shortly thereafter.

The band names itself – "Given", in tribute to the guitar given to Mafuyu by Yuuki – and begin to develop a following after posting a video of their live performance online. Given qualifies for a major amateur music festival, and begin preparing new material. Their efforts are complicated when Akihiko, who Haruki secretly has romantic feelings for, becomes involved with his roommate and ex-boyfriend Ugetsu.

Ok so in the beginning of our show: our first protag mafuyu sato is seen walking to school In the rain (with an umbrella tho lol) he says, as narrator, “mafuyu is not lonely.” And also some other stuff that’s all vibe you know? So THIS is repeated through out the series with him saying that “mafuyu isn’t lonely” especially when something bad happens. The thing is he IS lonely. Why you may ask? Well, his ex boyfriend from middle school killed himself and he thinks it’s his fault and stuff. They had gotten into an argument and he drank himself to death. RIP yuki. The only time where I personally believe this statement of ‘not loneliness’ is true is after Uenoyama (other protagonist and love interest) kisses him. I think that’s very swagger. Right before sed kiss mafuyu sang a song that he wrote at a live performance with da band about his heartbreak with yuki’s death. The person he truly loved. It’s called fuyu no hashi and I recommend you give it a listen it’s really good. Uhm but uhhh he realizes after da kiss that he has a new love ❤️ Ue! Yay canon gay ship time let’s party owah owah

NOW I wanna talk abt the opening and op lyrics. They are SO GOOD. they explain Mafuyu’s situation so we’ll just *mwah*. I think it’s called kizuato. There’s this one part where the singer (which could be interpreted as mafuyu despite it not be8gn his voice) says “Rainy, sunny and cloudy

Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. 365 days. You remain in all of them.” When he says the last line “you remain in all of them” we see mafuyu holding his guitar when a pair of arms wraps around him from behind like a hug. He shifts and kind of like compresses himself? Like you know what would happen if you got a hug. These arms are kinda transparent and they disappear before the line and that clip is over. AT FIRST before I knew about yuki and all that I thoguht they were from his late dad but now I believe the arms belong to yuki. Mafuyu’s dad was abusive and hit him when he spoke and I thoguht that would be the part of his trauma the show focused on but it wasn’t, instead they focused on yuki and his death more. Anyways I thoguht that was cool and representative of what happened pretty well.

Part of it also makes me wanna cry tho. It says “Dig them out. Take away these memories. The invisible voices that wouldn't reach. That Make me suffer/ suffocate me. Search deeper and take a look at this pain inside of me.” Specifically the “take away these memories” part just,, damn. And the invisible voices thing is just too fucking relatable. I’m so sorry Mafuyu

Oh god now I’m getting emotional about fictional boys who play guitar in front of my friends. Sorry guys.

Anyways. Main statement of the song time. “Everything you left behind, became my everything.” D a m n. Not only could he be talking about the guitar the he owns that is from Yuki he could also just be talking about the memories. ‘All the memories you left me, became the only thing that brought me comfort’ and that’s just... so sad man. He LOVED this boy. So much :/ It’s equally as sad with the guitar too. Because of how desperately he wanted to learn to play. For yuki’s sake because YUKI loved music. ‘This guitar you (kinda your mom but wtv lol) gave me, became my life” because it DOES become his life. When he finally accepts new love is after singing fuyu no hanashi. He finally lets go of all the pent up grievance and emotions while singing that song.

Now that point flows perfectly into our next one. It’s a possibility This will be the last one so just bear with me, please! So, one of Mafuyu’s main things is that he never knows how to respond or react the “proper” way. First of all!!!! NEURODIVERGENT KING. Second of all!!!! He talks about how he just doesn’t feel emotions as strongly or just the right way as other people. And how he can’t bring himself to cry and can’t cry despite losing his true love. After the kiss, mafuyu cries. A started clapping for him like yay!!! An icon ❤️ not only did he find a new love and move through some trauma but he also experienced a lot of emotions that he struggles to experience! That’s so good for him 💕💕But yeah he’d been talking about in the show how he just couldn’t “cry or laugh as hard as the other people could” which I can understand very well. It can feel dehumanizing at times so I’m really happy for him. One of the main reasons I kin him!

This brings me into a sort of continuation point about how no thought brain empty emotionless kin time. Sorry o just had to write that out Bc my nose started bleeding and I had to go take care of that and also not forget my clause (again). Mafuyu talks to Uenoyama about how everyone thinks that he doesn’t have emotions or doesn’t have thoughts because of how quiet he is and how emotionless he seems. And how he’s come to kind of believe it himself (a sort of ‘am I really thinking ever’ type beat). Ue kinda-over-aggressively is liek “hell no!!!! No way brain not have thought >:(“ like a old you know? And yes KIN TIME. not to make it about me or anything but I’m also constantly told/it’s joked about how I don’t have emotions. I just kinda roll with it tho.

I wanna say one more thing to end off on a note that isn’t about me but I can’t think of one so let me think. So much for that other one being the last shsndujsjjsidj

:OOOOO ok so I’m rewatching given and I just noticed another thing

So in the beginning, the VERY FIRST thing mafuyu talks about is how he keep shaving the same dream over and over again (this is to himself when he’s walking to school). Then, we see a clip of this dream. He is standing in front of someone (but it’s kinda shadowed so I didn’t see the other person the first time) and his eyes go wide and he grips his guitar so hard one of the strings snap.

Not only do I realize that 1) that dream actually happened: hs8 is a scene from when he fo7nd yuki’s body hanging (mafuyu was the one who found him dead). You can tell from the bottles on the ground (yuki got super drunk and then hung himself). this is why mafuyu’s guitar string is broken for Uenoyama to later fix.

I also realize 2) that this dream actually happened. I realized this when watching the show the first time tho lol. Right before the big concert, mafuyu accidentally breaks his guitar string again. And then Ue has to go run to the music store and buy a new one. That’s why there’s a look of desperation on his face when it happens because, Uenoyama brought his hope back by fixing the string the first time but now he messed it up again. Thank the lord for Haruki and reminding them it can be fixed!

Last thing 3) I talked about the hug scene in the last rant right? Well, when mafuyu broke the strings the first time (upon discovering yuki’s body), he mirrored the motions that he made in the hug scene in the opening. I think I described it as him shifting his body and guitar and like compressing himself? Yeah.

I realized one last minuscule thing while writing this but I doubt you care.

[peachyteabuck]

eye on the prize

summary: commission for astrid, who asked for chris evans x reader interview fluff.

pairing: chris evans x reader

words: 3,006

trigger warnings: RPF, slow burn, heavy flirtation, idiots in love, nondescript mentions of misogyny in the media as a business, a likely poorly reconstructed timeline (time fake and reality is a construct!)

ask box / masterlist / commission info / ko-fi

The hotel bed is large, big enough for four of you. The blankets are thick and the soft, the pillows a perfect balance of structured but plush. Sunbeams stream onto the mused sheets, warming your face. It’s nice, but only as nice as the calm before a major tropical storm can be. As your phone alarm blares next to you, you start to wonder if being caught in a category five hurricane would be better than press junkets.

A whole day talking to people about a movie you made months ago that you know jack shit about. Sometimes you have nightmares about giving a book report on a novel you’ve never even opened (you’re how old? And high school is still haunting you? Jesus, you need to go back to therapy) that cause you to break out in a cold sweat and kick all the covers from your bed and buy a bunch of stuff online to distract yourself from your racing heart and shaking hands.

Still, those are never as bad as interviewers asking about character arcs and plotlines and your relationship with actors you’ve barely (if ever) met and whatever else a normal interviewer would ask a normal interviewee when all you know is your character, the fact that she does shit with magic, and she’s Dr. Strange’s daughter. Anything other than that is anyone’s guess.

Your stylist and makeup artists are the ones to eventually drag you out of bed and plop you into hair and makeup after squeezing you into an incredibly tight pair of jeans and a non-controversial sweater. The forty-five minutes are a complete blur, but then again, nothing feels real until Sebastian hands you a large coffee in a travel cup that bares no logo or other kind of copywritten signifier – your knight in shining…cardboard? What are travel coffee cups even made of? Paper? Can paper even “shine?”

You’re nearly purring when the taste of caramel macchiato burns your tongue. “Ah. Thanks, Seb. I appreciate it.”

Sebastian shrugs, sipping at his own drink masquerading as generic brand. “No problem. I didn’t want you to bite an interviewer’s head off this morning. Or worse, mine.”

You play-hit him in the face and laugh with him, making small talk and trying to kill the time before the mind-numbingly long day really begins. You’re halfway through a rant about the woes of make up artists trying to put you in a full face of makeup to a man who barely has to put on concealer, the fucking asshat, when Chris makes an appearance.

“Hey, guys,” he’s is also drinking coffee from the unmarked travel cups. He looks you up and down before taking another sip. “You look really nice today.”

You blush, smoothing out your sweater – one of the color-blocked ones that sits at the intersection of casual, feminine, and not-intimidating. “Thanks, you too.”

Sebastian’s about to say something snarky when someone wearing a headset calls upon the three of you.

“Let’s get going, people!” she calls, ushering you into three barely-comfortable seats. You’re between Chris and Sebastian, the sheer mass of them making you feel approximately three feet tall. It doesn’t take much to forget how large they both are – even if Sebastian doesn’t weight two hundred pounds anymore and Chris was able to tone down his exercise regime since finishing Infinity War, you still feel like you’re sitting at the big-kid table for the first time.

The first interviewer is from some YouTube channel you only know because your fourteen-year-old niece gushes about them every family dinner. The woman who sits in front of you is young, cute. Dresses trendy, dark eye makeup and red lips.

She’s nice, too, along with being knowledgeable about the projects of each of you. She banters with Sebastian about his seven million movies before turning to you.  

The interviewer turns to you. “And you! You’re nominated for some pretty major awards!”

You smile wide, unable to help yourself. “Yeah, best actress and best original score.”

“That’s so cool,” Chris mumbles. You blush and pretend not to hear him as you speak again.

“It’s just super crazy,” you tell the interviewer. “Not even gonna lie. When I was younger, I would look at stars who like, cried when they found out they were nominated. Not even winning, just their name shows up on the ballot. But now I’m like, it’s me, two-time Grammy nominee! I was nominated for a Grammy, twice!”

Sebastian chimes in, laughing. “When we were at bunch together, I got there early and the caterer showed up and they were like, we’re here for the two-time Grammy nominee?”

“You had a brunch?” The interviewer asks.

You nod. “Yeah, I bunch of the Avengers cast and the cast from my last movie were in my hometown, which is super rare, so I hosted this giant brunch-”

“As one does,” Sebastian chimes in with a crooked smile.

You nearly hit him. “Yes! As I do! I wanted to see all my friends, whom I love, so I host a brunch. Sue me! Anyway…I hosted this brunch and invited a bunch of people over. Just a bunch of my favorite food from my favorite restaurants. Everyone I’d wanted to see for such a long time was there. It was amazing.”

The interviewer paints a faux frown across her face, looking at the man on your right. “Chris, you look very sad.”

“I didn’t get invited to the brunch,” Chris frowns. Unlike the woman in front of you, he looks genuinely sad. A twinge of pain bounces in your ribcage, and you rub his cardigan-clad back

“You were out doing Broadway shit!” you laugh. “You were halfway across the country!”

Chris continues to frown, staring at the printed-out pictures from the social medias of various guests. A few are from yours – you in a flowy sundress with your head thrown back laughing, a shot of you and a few of your friends from college drinking alcohol in the bright mid-afternoon sun. One you recognize from Sebastian’s Instagram, another from Hemsworth’s. A few from Twitter of a few of your non-movie-star friends. You look so happy in all of them, so beautiful in each shot. “I still wanted to be invited.”

You just roll your eyes. “Okay, call me when you’re in my region of the country and I’ll host a brunch,” You touch your forefinger to his nose. Chris blushes, profusely, in his cheeks and his ears. “just for you and me.”

You don’t hear much after that, too focused on Chris’ eyes meeting yours and his small smile. You’re taken aback by how sweet, tender he looks, and before you know it the interviewer is saying goodbye and the next one is taking her place.

It’s a man this time, a little older than the last one with artsy facial hair and a button hip. He mostly pays attention to the two men and soon your brain goes on battery-saver and you’re lost in your own thoughts.

Are hipsters still a thing? Is that what this guy is trying to be? Do hipsters even like Marvel? Is that too “mainstream for them?”

Eventually he asks a question about you, your recent entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, your music, your composing. You’d be happy to talk about your passions, of course you are, but the first genuine question of the interview is positing towards…not you. You’re about to tune everything out again, but then Chris speaks and you snap back to attention.

“It’s always interesting to meet people who bring something new to the art form, ya know? A huge part of acting is learning and evolving and all that, especially from other actors,” Chris avoids your gaze, and the gaze of everyone else, as he speaks. “If you stop learning, if you stop growing, what’s the point? Why would I do this job if I didn’t think it could change me for the better?”

There’s a moment of thick silence, the heavy weight of Chris’ introspective answer settling over the people in the room. It’s one of the things you lo-

It’s one of the things you enjoy most about Chris, how dedicated he is to acting as more than a job. It’s amazing, truly, how much he adores what he does. You could spend the rest of time with him, a plate of cheese, and a bottle of wine; listening to him talk about how he thinks of acting as an art, how that art can impact people and society, how actors have a responsibility to that art (that is, of course, after you mock him endlessly for Not Another Teen Movie and Fantastic Four).

You feel like a high schooler again, doodling your first and his last name in hearts in your math notebook with your favorite pink glitter pen. You’re an adult, why are you blushing red as a raspberry every time he says something smarter than a fast food order?!

The rest of the day goes down in a blur, the only time you start to care again when someone on the production staff calls for dinner (yeah, no lunch on press junket day. You can ask for a light snack, but you learned the hard way a full meal is “bad for your figure” and “makes you likely to burp on camera” and a bunch of other stuff you care very little about).

All three of you groan in happiness when you enter the room designated as craft, the thick smell of barbeque hitting you like a baseball bat. But a good baseball bat, though, like…one you ask to be hit with. Honestly, you have no idea what you’re talking about because you’re so hungry.

When you finally manage to scavenge food, Sebastian’s right behind you as you stare at a very delicious looking tray of pulled pork. Your plate is already full, but what if they take the food away? And then what if you get hungry later?

“You know he’s flirting with you, right?” he whispers as you watch the man in question scroll through Twitter on his phone. Chris is eating about the same thing you are, plus celery. You almost make a quip about it being “nature’s floss,” but then you realize that would be dumb because Sebastian definitely wouldn’t find it as funny as Chris would.  

You shrug, picking up a French fry from your plate. “Yeah, but you were, too.”

He scoffs into his second Americano of the morning. “Nah. Not like that. He likes you! He like likes you!”

“He does not-“

“And you like-like him!” He boops you on the nose and pinches your cheek like some sort of grandmother who hadn’t seen her fifteen-year-old son since he was five. “My little baby has a cruuuush!” he coos while making small kissy noises.

You’re about to bite back about how you’re not that much younger than him, but then the sound guy on the other side of the meat tray glares at the both of you. Looks like, while Chris couldn’t hear your bickering from the across the room, this dude definitely could – and he’s not very happy about it.

“Sorry,” you both mumble, shrinking away from the persecuting techie and his judgmental eyes.

Sebastian only talks again when you find an unpopulated corner, devoid of prying eyes and anyone who could be annoyed with the two of you gossiping like high schoolers.

“You know I’m not wrong, right?” he says around a bite of crisp apple. What is up with this guy and fruit?  Sure, he’s on a restrictive diet for a role to keep him from bulking up (something at the intersect of keto and vegetarian but able to eat lean meats) but he’s can’t eat like, the vegan stuff? Why must he always eat like rabbit in your presence? “Have you not seen what he says on Twitter?”

You scoff. “No, because I don’t have a Twitter. And neither do you!” You narrow your eyes accusingly. “How do you know what he posts?” Sebastian rolls his eyes. “I see screenshots on Instagram, first of all. Second, he could be complimenting your music on the inside of a cave. It’s about the principle.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” you hiss. “Also, I’m done arguing with you about this. Let me find a cheeseburger and eat in peace. Is that too much a woman to ask, Sebastian!?”

He just laughs you off and lets you eat in peace, eventually getting his own food. Though, you suppose the meal was specially timed, because then Chris Evans is sitting next to you.

He’s about to say something, too, and you’re about to listen, but then you get called for an individual interview for a women’s health magazine and you have to leave him and you plate of food and fuck…you hate this job. A lot.

The interview is boring, once again, and the next time you have another coherent thought you’re taking the elevator back up to your hotel room and waving off your manager, who is telling you to be downstairs by seven tomorrow to catch your flight back home.

You’re just kicking off your heels when you hear a faint knock at the door. When you look through the peephole, you see a very sad-looking Christopher Evans. With his small frown and hunched shoulders, he looks like a kicked puppy; and even though all you want to do is take your bra off, you let him in.

He’s quiet for a moment before speaking as if he was a child preparing to be scolded.

“I lost my hotel key. And my backup got demagnetized.”

You bite back a laugh, trying to seem sympathetic. “Do you want to chill in here until security brings you another one?”

Chris nods solemnly as he steps through the threshold. “Thanks.”

Neither of you speak for a while, instead Chris looks around your quite messy (or “homey,” as you call it when you FaceTime your best friend and she scoffs at how easy you can make a room look like a hurricane tore through it) room and you…find an outfit for tomorrow?

You’re the first one to speak, only breaking the quiet after changing into fuzzy socks and sneakily taking off your lacey bra (and tucking it under the covers of the bed for you put away later).

“Well, that was excruciating,” you mumble. All you want to do is change into your biggest, most comfortable hoodie and your cotton panties and order room service and ignore humanity until you leave for a flight the next morning, but a man you’ve had a crush on since he appeared as Johnny Storm is right in front of you and after that talk with Sebastian your world is kind of shaken to its core and should you make a move? Is he the kind of guy to not like that? Would you want to be with a guy that doesn’t like that? What if he-

“Always are, I guess.” Chris interrupts your train of thought, saving it from going off the rails. When you at him he looks just as, if not more than, exhausted than you are. “That’s one of the things that you forget, I think. How hard it is to talk about these movies.”

You snort. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Chris smile a little wider as you laugh. “Yeah. Other movies I can talk about like, characters and plots and shit. With these I live in constant fear I’m gonna pull a fucking Ruffalo and get my ass fired from the best paying gig I’ve ever had.”

Chris laughs with you, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Word.”

An awkward silence fills the room and you find something, anything to do to avoid his heavy gaze under those thick eyelashes and his thick beard that you just want to run your fingers through or his even softer hair that you want to mess up while you-

“Do you want to get dinner together sometime?” you blurt. You’re ready to take back the words as soon as you say them, wanting to backtrack or say “just friends” or “ha-ha, just kidding!” or something else that absolves you of non-platonic commitment.

By a long stretch of luck that you can’t even begin to thanks a long number of deities for, Chris doesn’t laugh at you or turn you down or even walk out of the room. He meets your gaze with excitement in his eyes and a smile wider than your home state. “I’d love to,” is all he says. It’s all either of you get to say before his phone rings loudly, and the name of the head of security flashes on his screen. He sighs loudly, apologizing as he takes it. Somehow, you feel more awkward as he turns away and answers the call. You fidget with your hands, with a loose thread on the sweater you’ve come to hate more than anything else in the world, with your phone. Nothing makes it easier to face Chris again once he hangs up.

“That was…,” he laughs lightly. Not laughing at you, maybe at life or how weird his life is, but never at you. “You know. They fixed my key and want to give it to me in person.”

You swallow and nod. “Yeah, understandable. I’ll, uh,” you clear your throat. “I’ll see you…”

Chris finishes for you. “How about we find a good restaurant near here after I’m confirmed to actually be me by the private security detail our employers hired to make sure no one kills us? We can have that second dinner I’ve heard you always eat late at night.”

Holy shit…he remembered that time you vaguely mentioned how much you enjoy staying up late and eating lots of food. It makes you blush as you respond.

“Yeah that sounds,” you sigh happily, smile just as big as his is. “That sounds great.”

#chris evans x reader #lukis does commissions #lukis writes stuff #chris evans imagine

[shinystarfishpenguin]

An Explanation Not Due

So, I just wanted to rant about why I hate Dirk.  Now, a lot will probably come up later because I just got to the Alpha Kids in my latest HS reread, and nobody is reading this nor cares, but why the hell not write this, what’d to be lost?  Also, it’s been a looong time since I’ve been this far in the comic, let alone beyond, so I’m probably going to get things wrong, or forget things, or whatever.

Now, another clarification: Post-canon doesn’t exist and if it did, it would be utterly garbage.  I read the epilogues, and at some point I’ll probably get around to reading HS^2, but based on the Epilogues and everything I gather from Tumblr, it’s not for me, and despite what it may sound like based on how many times I’ve embarrassingly read Homestuck proper, I’m not a complete masochist.

Now on to Dirk proper.  What’s wrong with him?  Let’s start with the attitude.  He’s a narcissist, plain and simple.  Does it make sense?  Yes, for someone in his position that’s totally reasonable.  Is it still annoying af?  Absolutely.  He doesn’t himself actually feel all that important so he overcompensates to an extreme degree with several layers of “irony” involved.  He’s the epitome of the “you wouldn’t get it” stereotype that thinks that all his shit is so far above everyone and instead of being all cool about it he hangs that above everyone’s head to not only put himself up, but also push everyone down.  And it’s not like an occasional thing that we could shrug off as not being socially adept due to his upbringing, it’s constantly happening, and he seems to get off from it.  It’s like that idyllic hipster attitude that everyone claims to hate, but also seems to love when it’s them holding the attitude.  And certainly, I’m guilty of that myself.  I love having my own little bits that other people don’t/wouldn’t understand.  But I don’t, or at least try not to, constantly hold that above others’ heads.

And he’s jealous, too.  If I recall correctly, when he and Jake were together, he was suffocating Jake with his attention, while still maintaining the attitude of superiority, which is abusive af.  And sure, this is another thing we can attribute to his upbringing of, you know, literally being alone for his entire life.  It’s not unreasonable to assume that someone whose entire communication was composed of online chats, that when they came to meet in person and got in a relationship, boundaries would be very difficult for them.  That’s fair, I’ll cede that.  My issue isn’t necessarily that he was like that, but he’s the first openly gay human (I’m pretty sure his sexuality came to light before Rosemary became canon, but I may be wrong about that) and he’s super aggressive to his partner, and if I remember kind of guilted Jake either into the relationship to begin with, or guilted him into staying in the relationship.  Again, that’s beyond the scope of what I’ve read this time around and it’s been a long time since I read that portion of the comic.  So he’s the first openly LGBT+ character, and he’s abusive to his romantic partner.  Great representation there, Hussie and Co.

Now let’s talk about the community for a sec.  The Homestuck fandom is not historically remembered for being the best fandom in the land.  I’m glad I was never part of the cosplaying or the cons, but I was part of it and I was part of the problem.  That said, how the community treated the Striders as a whole was that they were soooo cooool and could do no wrong.  So when Dirk was portrayed in fan media, all his problems were ignored.  Now, this problem certainly extended beyond the Striders, let’s not be coy, but I felt it was most prevalent with the Striders, and considering my previous point about Dirk being gay and his status as an abuser, he kept the good and the community just...ignored the bad.  Now this is a problem that’s also prevalent with Vriska, whom I adore as a character now.  But I take the bad with the good with her, and let’s be honest, the community has gotten a lot better with acknowledging her faults, at least since I’ve gotten back on Tumblr.  And that may be true for Dirk, I go on Tumblr to see content I want to see, so a lot of Dirk stuff is not in my periphery.  It was just very frustrating to see a character that could have been so good and could have been presented so well just have his characterization butchered by the fanbase.  All that said, this was not so much a problem with Dirk himself, so much as the fanbase at that time as a whole.

Now, side note: I used to feel the same way with Dave and Vriska, and I’ve certainly come around on Dave AND Vriska, and if during this reread I come back around on Dirk, that would be great.  I want to like all the characters, I just don’t.  And Dirk is the one that just so happens to be harboring the brunt of my ire right now.

One of the biggest problems with how I see Dirk as written, is that I see Hussie in Dirk.  And I don’t know anything about Hussie.  But Dirk seems to be another one of his “splinters” in the story.  There’s his self-insert and Doc Scratch and Lord English and they’re all kind of traditionally villainous in their own right, but there’s just something about Dirk being one, that he’s one of the kids, albeit Alpha kids, and he plays this part of Hussie’s splinter that just seems...gross?  I don’t really know what it is about it it just doesn’t seem right, doesn’t seem like a natural character in the world/universe/multiverse that is the Homestuck canon.  And yes, I get that every character of any written work is by their very nature a kind of splinter of the author, my point is that Dirk just seems a little too on the nose for being one of the kids.

And I think my final point is that I know someone in real life who is very much like Dirk.  Always lording how much better they are and how much better their taste is and their opinion is always right and my opinion, if it differs, is just wrong, and not a different opinion.  It’s exhausting.  I lived with this guy for a while, we’d been friends for a long time and even though it was exhausting, I still liked him before I lived with him.  And, granted, so many of the problems that we had were my fault.  I was going through a really difficult time and myself brought a lot of problems into the house.  The thing is, though, the part that probably hurts the most and connects the best between him and Dirk, is when my roommate and friend, a cis-man, hit on me, a transwoman, and I rejected him, and he managed to subtly turn it around on me and caused problems and eventually kicked me out of the house.  Just the connection with the psychological abuse that Dirk literally commits in the comic and the abuse that I went through, and that just goes completely gets ignored.

Everything above notwithstanding, I think Dirk is fine as a character.  He’s kind of lazily written, tbh I think his Autoresponder was written better and had a better arc, at least before...You know.  But Dirk proper is fine.  Not great, not necessarily poorly written.  Milquetoast is how I would describe him, if I’m being honest.  But I don’t like him.  I hope that changes as I read his character arc as a more mature adult (”mature adult” reading Homestuck), maybe I’ll be able to see something more that I glossed over previously.  I want to like him, and a lot of my own issues are personal if I’m being really honest about it.  But I can’t look at him and see a cool guy like the fan media oft portrays him as.  I do see a guy that was destined to be fucked up and is hurting.  But pain and hurt and abuse can’t excuse all behavior.  It doesn’t work that way.

Thank you, this has been my TED Talk.

#homestuck #dirk strider #unnecessary character analysis #long post

[cilldaracailin]

Hammer To Fall

Hello my lovely Tumblr friends. Here is the next story in the Robyn and Taron series. Once this one is posted, I will have caught up with my AO3 which is a woohoo for me! But sad for you ‘cos you all will have to wait for more now! *Insert evil cackle here...*

Hope you all enjoy this story and don’t all come for me at once!

1

“So this was betrayal. It was like being left alone in the desert at dusk without water or warmth. It left your mouth dry and will break. It sapped your tears and made you hollow.”

It was the first time Robyn had ever left her office and stood outside the creche to take a phone call as she had never felt the need to raise her voice with such anger before. Emma had to double take as she watched her supervisor stand up as quick as lightening and rush out the door without a word, her phone to her ear. As she glanced out the window, she could tell that Robyn was about ready to blow, as she paced up and down the car park, her right hand moving with over exaggerated hand signals as she spoke. At first a smile lit up her face as she answered her personal phone, but it quickly turned to a frown and then a full-face glower, her words in furious whispers before she bolted for the entrance for the building. Emma had a vague idea of what the conversation was about and who Robyn was talking to and continued to watch out the glass window, Robyn stopping suddenly in front of her car that was parked in front of the green.

“I am actually going to end this call very soon Taron if you keep that tone with me.”

“Well I wouldn’t have to be calling you if you had of kept to our compromise.”

“And as I have already told you, I didn’t do it.”

“Pull the other one Robyn. I know you are still reading all the comments. Have been since that other picture from Elton’s was posted of us.”

“Are you actually kidding me? You really think I would go back on our promise to each other?”

“Well yeah of course. I know you can’t keep your fucking nose from the social media Robyn and you have completely broken my trust with you after what we talked about on the beach. You promised me you wouldn’t go out of your way to read anything and once again as soon as something else is posted off you go and you had to comment on it. You actually commented on the webpage that posted the picture of us too!”

“Taron! Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Well I don’t see myself listening to you anymore.”

“Ok you know what Taron. I don’t have time for this right now.”

“Because I do? I stepped off set to try and sort this fucking mess out.”

“I am in the middle of trying to organise a play for the kids as well as a parent’s night and this is a conversation that cannot be had right now.”

“Do you have any idea what shit you are putting Lyndsey through right now?”

“Do you have any idea how ridiculous you sound right now? I am going to end this phone call and seeing as how you are finding the time in your busy schedule to call me, you can figure it out again when it suits you because everything always comes down to you Taron and what you need and what works for you. What I feel or think never comes into play. It’s not like I went out of my fucking way to save your bloody life and open up my home to you. If you actually think I would do something like that Taron, you can forget about calling me until you get the sense in your head knocked back into place.”

Robyn ended the call and sat on the bonnet of her car, jumping a little as her phone rang nearly as quickly as she cut off the call with Taron. Looking to the screen, she glowered as his nickname appeared again.

“So, you are just going to hang up on me instead of talking?”

“Well when you talk such bullshit Taron and don’t listen to me, it’s one way to put an end to the conversation.”

“Why would I need to listen to you when I can see exactly what you have been up too online.”

“You actually think I would do that Taron?”

“Right now, Robyn I don’t know what you would do.”

“Well I know what I want to do is end this phone call once again. Like I said before, when you find time in your busy schedule to call me back and we can have a civil conversation, do it.” Robyn had her finger hovered over the end call button but she could hear Taron’s angry tones even as she held the phone away from her ear and frowning didn’t end the call.

“You have caused such a shit storm for me Robyn and my family. There are reporters outside my home in Aber waiting to pounce on them asking questions about me and you and the photo and you have made everything so much worse by saying something so fucking ridiculous as what you did.”

“Taron I didn’t write anything under the picture! I only saw the bloody article this morning and am just as surprised as you are over the whole thing.”

“Maybe you have finally got what you wanted from me Robyn. Maybe it was your fucking plan the whole time. Five minutes of fame while dragging me and my family into the shit as you roll away with your name in lights.”

Robyn had stood up and started to pace but stopped mid-step. “Really Taron? You are going to go that low with this? I’ve spent a whole weekend with your family getting to know them.”

“And it was your idea to go for a walk, get some air. Your fucking plan executed perfectly from beginning.”

“I had nothing to do with any of this Taron. Nothing at all and you ringing me with your accusations before talking to me is such a load of fucking bullcrap. I don’t know who that Robyn Quinn is but it is not me.”

“It’s you. You got what you wanted out of me. The name in the paper next to mine, the fancy dress for the party, a visit to my family and once you had enough of everything you just fucked me over. And the quote underneath just topped the bill too. ‘Nothing like a wet sexy rocketman to get a chick’s juices flowing.’ Classy Robyn.”

“Goodbye Taron.”

Robyn ended the call once more and turned her phone off, not wanting to even give Taron the chance to try and call her back again. She wanted to scream in complete and utter frustration. She never thought she would ever feel angry at Taron but she was so enraged with him. It had been a wonderful four weeks since she had left Aberystwyth and her relationship with Taron had just gone from strength to strength, finding herself taking a few late-night calls from him in New York from the set needing to rant or talk about how great his stunt had gone. Everything was so light and cheery and the distance between them was not as much of a burden as they thought it was going to be.

That was until a new picture had been printed of them while she was in Aberystwyth and it just happened to be of Taron carrying her into the ocean. It took four weeks before it circulated in through the media and whereas the photos from Elton’s party were treated mostly with respect the new one, which appeared in the papers that morning, created a storm and those trolls behind their keyboards went into full rumour mode and she could only imagine that it was the first time Lyndsey had to pull out every magical publicist trick she could to try and calm the frenzied media tempest down. Robyn had barely arrived in work when her phone rang with an extremely irritated Taron on the other end giving her shit over it all. She had actually arrived nearly an hour late because she was so caught up on social media, reading the tweets on her feed that mentioned Taron and her and Emma had called her to find out where she was. Fans were on speculation overload and everyone was convinced that Robyn had definitely known Taron beforehand and that they were on holiday in Florida and just happened to be caught out because of what happened, fans slating Taron for keeping their relationship a secret, other attacking Robyn for being with him.

As she scrolled through her Tumblr before work, she saw the link to the newspaper article that had printed the picture and story and it was the first time she had purposely looked at comments since she had left Taron’s home, keeping her promise to him completely about digging through the web for stories on them both. As she quickly browsed the horrible and disgusting words, there printed online for all to see was a comment that had been posted by a ‘Robyn Quinn’ and she had cringed at the revolting and sickening words that were under the name, her name. It was the first time she had ever seen another name like hers and it stung her to read the words that were associated with her name.

And then Taron’s call had just pushed her over an edge she was determined not to walk over and now she was beyond angry not just with the situation but with him as well. She knew the conversation they had on the beach in Aberystwyth about the media meant a lot to Taron and for them to come to a compromise was very important to him and Robyn had absolutely kept her promise to him and she had actually enjoyed how freeing it was not be so involved in social media and worrying about what everyone was saying about Taron or her. That was why she was so surprised by his initial reaction to the new photo but as his tone became more heated and his words more vicious and hurtful, she found herself almost at the boiling point with how mad she was with him. They had such an open communicative relationship, or so she thought and to hear him just run away with his words and not even wait to listen to an explanation and when she tried to talk to him he lost it with her, blaming her for the story and everything that came with it.

“Fucking arsehole.” Robyn muttered to herself and tried to compose herself and her mood by taking some deep breathes. Knowing her whole day was going to be completely distracted by Taron, she walked back towards the building and after entering the code into the keypad, into her office, slumping down into her chair, dropping her phone onto the desk.

“Do I even want to know?” Asked Emma as she took in Robyn’s face, a perfect mixture of angry frustration and sadness.

Robyn didn’t answer her but went back to her computer, typing up the programme of events for the parents Christmas night she was organising and although she was supposed to be concentrating the work piled up on her desk, her thoughts were constantly on Taron. So much so she had written his name six times in the programme. As the day wore on, the more infuriated she became with Taron, his phone call and his attitude. To have just rung her without letting her explain herself and to have the cheek and audacity to accuse her of writing something so disgusting about them. After everything they had been through together that he would even think she would disrespect him like that, or even herself like that.

When she arrived home that same Tuesday evening, her whole body and mind were filled with an unbelievable sense of betrayal. When she finally turned her phone back on, her voice mail was filled with distressing messages from parents, to accompany the phone calls and emails she had taken in her office constantly through the day. Along with the heated messages from parents, were narky voice mail rants from Taron, with each one his voice raising in angered tones, his words becoming more hurtful and unkind. It was the last voicemail that left tears in her eyes and a hole in her heart.

‘If you can’t be bothered to answer my calls then that speaks fucking volumes Robyn. You are a coward who can’t face the reality of the situation, one which you caused. Such childish behaviour, leaving me to deal with the consequences. I knew you never cared for or loved me. What an act. No wonder you got all of those roles. Batted your eyelashes and sang a song. Just stay the fuck away from me and my family. I trusted you Robyn, with my life and all I got was a fake fucking nobody who just wanted the attention. Maybe you should have just left me under that fucking shelf, bleeding. Probably would have been the best decision for everyone all round.’

It was his message that helped her make the quickest and probably most stupid decision she had ever made.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Matthew watched in the monitor as Taron messed up his lines for the eight time, calling cut looking to his assistant with a raised eyebrow. Taron was never one to be so unprepared or have an ability to fluff his lines and miss his mark so easily but so far since they started filming early that morning, Taron had very much been off his game.

“Taron do you need five?” He shouted over to him but his lead actor shook his head back in return. “Alright then. Let’s roll it again.” He waited for everyone to get into position and once he was satisfied, shouted action.

He held his breathe as Taron got to the line he had already made many mistakes with and sighed with relief as he finally said it smoothly and the scene could move on. Filming outside Bryant Park was chaotic and the weather although beautiful, the cold of a New York winter was really starting to creep in and he wanted to get the park scene filmed before the light became dark but it was becoming more difficult as Taron missed yet another line.

“Cut!” Yelled Matthew once again and he cringed when the curse Taron gave echoed to his ears. “Taron…” He could see the frustration in Taron’s eyes behind the Kingsman glasses as he jogged over. “Let’s just take some time out for a minute. Grab a coffee.”

“No Matthew. I can get it.”

“No offense Taron but you are not getting it. I am calling a fifteen-minute break.”

“Matthew…”

“I am speaking as your director now. Go and take a break and then come back to me with your head cleared and ready to get this scene done. There is only about three hours of light left.”

“No I can get it done. One more.” Insisted Taron.

“Taron…”

“One more.”

Matthew sighed. “One more but if you miss the mark then we are taking the break.”

With a nod, Taron ran back to his spot on the steps of Bryant Park and filled his lungs with the cold December air, trying to use the air to clear his head too. It had been a very long time since he had let his personal issues affect his work and his head at the moment was all kinds of messed up and endless thoughts of betrayal, confusion and irritation raced through his mind. Inside he could still feel the anger pulling at his skin, pinching him every so often to remind him of how the one person he thought he could rely on for anything had revealed her true colours in the most hurtful way. Through her perfect use of words. Robyn had always been so good with her words to manipulate everything to her way and he was so mad at himself for falling for her beautiful blue eyes and pretty face. Apart from his family, anyone he had ever let close to his heart had hurt him and Robyn had been no different but her broken loyalty was crushing him and each crush just squeezed his anger further to the surface.

“And action!”

Concentrating as hard as he could on being Eggsy, cool and composed Kingsman spy, Taron focused on the job at hand and not the fact that Robyn had not answered one of his voicemails, realising his nickname for her suddenly had a double meaning. She was a chicken, avoiding facing the truth, ignoring the mess she had made.

Matthew sighed with relief as Taron finally got the scene perfect and the take was able to continue as the characters spoke to each other at the bottom of the steps. He was relieved when the take was finally successful.

“And cut. Right lets just get set up so we can get them running up the steps and then we will move into the park.”

The camera was moved into position for the next scene and Matthew was checking his script notes when he heard a little commotion behind him.

“I am sorry but this is a closed set. You cannot be here.”

“Oh I was just looking for Taron.”

Matthew’s head turned when he heard a new accent around him. He was so used to hearing the twang of a New Yorkers, his ear easily picked up on the sweet tones of an Irish one. He noticed a woman standing beside their runner. Taron had told him that the woman who saved his life was Irish and blonde along with a many other things and he quickly put two and two together. This was Robyn.

“Joe it’s ok you can let her through.”

The runner stepped aside and the blonde walked his way. “Robyn?” He questioned.

“Yeah sorry for turning up like this. I was looking for Taron and knew he was filming at the park today. Thought it was the best place to find him. You are Matthew, right?”

“That is me.” Matthew held out his hand to shake hers. “It is nice to finally meet you. I have heard a lot about you from Taron. I am pleased you were around in that 7/11 to help him.”

Robyn gave a little smile. “Shooting this movie in December in New York? I am sure you are delighted.”

Matthew laughed. “Well we have been blessed with the weather so far and maybe you might bring a little extra Irish luck with you. You seem to do that no matter where you go.”

“Well don’t blame me if it starts to rain then.”

They laughed a little. “Taron never mentioned you were coming to see him.”

“Ahh yes. It’s kind of a surprise. I didn’t want him to know. I am sorry for just turning up like this. I know his filming schedule so just took a chance. Thought it would be a nice surprise for him.”

“Well I am very glad to see you. He has been in rotten form all day so maybe a visit from you might help sort his shit out.”

“Sort his shirt out?”

“Missed a few lines and marks. It is not like him at all.”

“Oh I see.”

“Can you wait another few minutes before you see him? I am a little behind schedule and if I can get this next scene in one take, I will be very happy and can give everyone a lunch break.”

“Yep that’s fine. I will hide here until he is done.”

“Thank you.”

Robyn stepped back and allowed Matthew to take his place back at the camera, making sure she was hidden behind the camera men and other people working on set. She only had to mention her name at the barrier and her cheeky chance had paid off, the words ‘Taron’s Robyn’ being enough to get her through security and up to where the director was working. Matthew shouting action, had her looking towards the steps of the park where Taron, dressed in his full Kingsman suit and glasses and another actor were about to engage in what looked like hand to hand combat, the director completely engrossed in the action of the scene and concentrating on the actors, making sure they made their marks.

With everyone distracted by the filming, Robyn took her chance and side stepping around the filming equipment, walked right onto the stone footpath in front of the steps, in full view of the camera and started to walk up the steps.

“Wait wait! Stop! CUT!” Yelled Matthew. “What the…” He watched as the young woman he had just been speaking too got in the way of the action sequence and right into the middle of the scene he was trying to film and had been desperate to capture all day.

Once he heard the words cut, Taron turned to look down to the director. He was sure he had met every move and not messed up this time and he froze when he saw an all too familiar face walking up the steps towards him.

“Robyn?” His breathe hitched in his throat and his stomach dropped as she took the steps two at the time to get closer to him. Dressed in jeans and a black hoodie, her hair tied up in a very messy pony tail, she looked exhausted and furious. “Robyn…” He stopped talking when she stopped two steps away from him and taking her hands from the pockets of her jumper, threw them up the air and towards him. He lost his balance for a second when yellow post-its flew at him and fluttered down on top of him.

“Calling me a coward and then not returning my calls? Cutting them off every time? Who do you think you are calling me a child yet a child knows how to stop and listen? You have absolutely no right to talk to me like you have done. I have been nothing but a friend to you Taron. You ring me accusing me of doing something but don’t have the decency to let me defend myself. You immediately assume that I would do something as sickening as that, under a picture of us and tell me that all I wanted was my fifteen minutes of fame? How dare you treat me like shit when I have given my whole heart to everything I have ever done for you.” Robyn was over gesturing with her hands but standing in front of him, remembering what he had done, she couldn’t help the furious tone of her voice. “We sat on that beach and we made a compromise, one I have followed through to no end, even deleting my twitter account and creating a brand new one twice to keep our privacy. I sat with you in my house, in my arms comforting you when you started to have severe anxiety about the media finding out about what had happened to you. I answered every phone call you made to me once our story got out and I calmed your fears and worries every time things got a bit too much for you. I stepped into your world without question and never once told you how it honestly made me feel, and went out of my way to book a fucking new flight to get to you because you needed me there at Elton’s party. I visited your home and gave my all to your family, your beautiful family who took me in as their own.”

As Taron took a step backwards up a step, she followed him putting her own foot on the next step and moving forwards. “I have been nothing but honest, truthful and open with you since you sat on the floor in the 7/11 bleeding out and you put your hand on my shoulder and told me I shouldn’t hold my emotions and thoughts in but as fucking usual I open my heart and my life to someone, a man, and they stamp all over it. You ambushed me on the phone and never even gave me the chance to explain anything Taron. You immediately accuse me of writing that comment because it was under my name. Call me out on it all you want Taron but I have done nothing wrong here. Executed the perfect fucking plan so my name could be splashed all over the media? Having stupid teenage girls call me a slut and money grabbing whore because I did something that saved your life? How is that fucking fair on me? Like I said on the phone to you yesterday, it always comes down to Taron and how Taron feels and what Taron wants. My feelings and emotions never come into play because I am not in the public eye. I am just a lowkey old supervisor who means nothing when it comes down to all, right? Can’t have your reputation fucking ruined. You’re the bloody coward Taron. Can’t face the truth of the situation. That someone is prepared to stand up for themselves. I really thought you were different but you are so far up your own egotistical arse. I don’t exist. Such a fucking coward.” Robyn turned to walk away but quickly turned face him again. “Also, don’t you think something as serious as saying it would have been a lot better if I had of just left you bleeding under the shelf is best said in person rather than through a voice mail? It’s so nice to finally know the truth of what you actually think of me. Enjoy your life Taron. Afterall, you only have it because I gave it back to you when your heart stopped beating.”

As quickly as she ran up the steps to confront Taron, Robyn ran back down them, hot angry tears falling down her cheeks. Rushing past the men and woman who operated the cameras and the other staff and crew on the movie who stood on the set, she brushed past Matthew not even catching his eye, and back towards the barriers that kept the public from entering the set. Her heart was racing so fast, she felt like she was going to faint and her stomach twirled in painful knots, her whole body starting to shake with sobs that left her body as she ducked under the red barrier and back onto sixth avenue heading down towards Hearld Square and Macy’s. Her walk was brisk and she constantly bumped shoulders with excited tourists as they enjoyed the cheery atmosphere New York provided at Christmas. She angrily wiped tears from her face with her sleeves and shoved her hands under her arms, trying to keep them out of the crisp cold air.

As furious as she was, she was completely heartbroken but after hearing all the of the voice mails on her phone and when he wouldn’t return her calls when she tried to ring him, she just saw red and refused to have anyone accuse her without an explanation and as Taron was so sure in his conviction of her, she wasn’t going to let him bully her into accepting his reasoning, not even letting him get a word in to defend his ridiculous accusations. She had thought nothing about booking a flight to New York for early that morning, hopping on a plane in Dublin at eight, arriving in Manhattan just before two and riding a cab straight downtown to where Taron was filming. She had tried to call him back again that morning but his phone was turned off and she refused to leave a voice message just as he did, wanting to see in him the flesh to tell him how she felt.

Now that she had, she briskly walked back towards thirty-fourth street, ready to hail a cab  back to JFK to wait for her flight home that evening. She had enough of the drama and was keen to go back home to the safety of her four walls where she could deal with her emotions in the way that had always worked for her and was ready to throw a certain blue dinosaur along with two pieces of clothing wrapped in two strings of photos straight into the bin.

(Ok just a little note here, I know that during Christmas in Bryant Park in New York is a wonderful Christmas market, I was there last Christmas, however for the flow of the story that market is not currently on and only part of the park has been closed off for filming. It’s all just fiction at the end of the day and just works in my head for the tension and dramatic effect :) )

#Taron Egerton #Taron Egerton Fanfiction #Taron Egerton Fiction #Taron Fanfic #Reunion #Angst #Hurt #Emotional Hurt #Drama #Accusation #Disappointment #Annoyance #Mis-Trust #Tears #Robyn and Taron

[caprichans]

[7:17pm] it’s around seven in the evening when you receive a few buzzes from your phone. at this point, you’ve probably made it past the first page of the exponential equations and logarithmic inequalities worksheet, and your brain was already deep fried within the acids of your stomach, not that you were dramatizing. the buzzes continue to vibrate continuously on your desktop, and you release a sharp exhale at how annoying the sounds were starting to get. surely, you’ve already gained momentum from answering all the equations without any distraction, so several buzzes were definitely the little balls that crashed your momentum and shattered them all to pieces. 

snappish, you snatch your phone from the desktop, eager to swipe mute on all your messages for the time being. however, your anger was simmered by the familiar label that flashed across the screen, showcasing around five messages on your notifications. you weren’t aware of the smile that spread across your lips, and swiped right, unlocking your phone to read the messages. 

 korea’s shakespear(b)e, you [5] 

[7:18pm] 

[first name] !!! [first name] !!! [FIRST NAME] !!!! 

hi hehe 

nothin much just checked in to say that i miss you already please bother me im a sad sack without you annoying me every minute :((( 

anyway! i know that you’re pretty busy rn. i’ve seen your rant tweets, [first name], i know you’d kill just to get log and expo out of the way. so, um, here. it’s something i composed just today, so i hope you can give it a listen while studying. tell me if it works, yeah? mkay bye-bye binnie’s gotta go and pester hyunjinnie instead! good luck with log uwu ~~ <3 

too_lazy_to_label_shit.mp3 

so you were the one that messaged me! you couldn’t fight the grin off your face at the heartfelt messages (and the vulgar label of his composition file) coming from your close online friend, changbin. you both met through twitter amidst all the screaming and raving about the favorite band you both have been liking since they made their first debut. the both of you hit it off really well after interacting through private messages, and better yet, both of your parents were already familiar with you both. you’ve even met some of changbin’s close friends through a video call before, and you weren’t lying when you told him once that he missed seeing hyunjin and felix. 

assuming that he’s probably busy bothering hyunjin, you decided to reply to his messages later and press play on the file he sent instead. you weren’t expecting anything much from this piece, really; it was the first time changbin ever sent his compositions to you, and you felt grateful for the fact that you didn’t have to push him any further for letting you hear his music. will it be r&b? classical? pop? nevertheless, you set on to answering your worksheet, letting the first beats of the piece enlighten your ears. 

as the first verse traveled on, you noticed that the melody wasn’t at all upbeat, but mellow, rather. the voice resonated like honey despite the hint of rap in his tone, and you found yourself drifting off into your thoughts as they wandered to a studio room with a man seated with his eyes closed and his lips pressed softly against the mic. his foot would be tapping the beats gently against the floor, and his voice would follow perfectly to the beat, making a few adlibs that he would invent now and then. his lyric sheets are spread against the table, and a pencil would jot down new notes, new lyrics that would inspire him, inspire you. 

wordlessly, you continued on jotting the methods down for the equations, suddenly motivated. your momentum was back on track, and your brain was running faster than you ever thought of before. you had changbin’s song on repeat, as if wishing it played on forever and forever. you had a mind to thank your online friend later, thank him for the tune that set your mood at ease, and motivated you to work harder. perhaps changbin would love to hear that from you. you always adored his smiles anyway. 

korea’s shakespear(b)e, you 

[8:26pm] you hey binnie 

thank you so much for motivating me to finish this. you’re amazing. 

i love you so, so much. 

you know that. 

#stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids blurbs #stray kids #skz #seo changbin #bara arms tag #ugly sobbing can changbin be my online friend #i love my online friends tbh they give me the uwus all the time #online friends >>>> irls #ik i havent posted in a while sksksk #here a binnie blurb to make up for all of it

[yogurtniece4-blog]

'Endings, Beginnings' Review – Variety Things To Know Before You Buy

Table of ContentsNot known Details About 'Endings, Beginnings' Review – Variety How 'Endings, Beginnings' Review: Choose Me - The New York ... can Save You Time, Stress, and Money.The 3-Minute Rule for Endings, Beginnings (2020) - Rotten Tomatoes'Endings, Beginnings' Review – Variety Fundamentals ExplainedNot known Facts About 'Endings, Beginnings': Review - Reviews - ScreenThe Facts About 'Endings, Beginnings' Review - Tiff 2019 - Hollywood Reporter UncoveredThe 8-Minute Rule for Endings, Beginnings – Samuel Goldwyn FilmsThe smart Trick of 'Endings, Beginnings' Review – Variety That Nobody is Talking AboutUnknown Facts About Endings, Beginnings Movie Review (2020) - Roger Ebert

Watch This Movie Now - ENDINGS, BEGINNINGS (2020)

Actually. Endings, Starts is so dark that sometimes it was even difficult to see what was going on at all. If it wasn't for Jack's attractive Irish brogue it would be hard to know which person was trying to charm Daphne at any given minute. (Where does Jack end and Frank start?) The motion picture tells us they are very various men.

Frank is a hard-drinking ne'er- do-well. endings, beginnings movie. And honestly we simply need to take their word for it. The film is languid and moody in its storytelling. Extreme close-ups, awkward time jumps and hazy video penetrate the motion picture. It's likewise rather fond of gratuitous sex scenes. I don't understand if this is because Woodley wishes to make sure we understand she's all grown up now (always remember The Secret Life of the American Teenager) or due to the fact that the movie is frantically attempting to encourage viewers that there is an indisputable, unstoppable chemistry in between Daphne and these guys.

The 7-Second Trick For Endings, Beginnings Reviews - Metacritic

Their text communication show up in bright neon words throughout the screen. It's juvenile (which, given, might be the point) and distracting, however the larger concern is it's a particularly passive option to rely on text exchanges to move the action forward. Apparently, much of the movie's discussion was improvised with the actors sweating off a summary of where the characters were supposed to go.

At others, it reminds us why scripts exists in the first place, as the dialogue turns extremely pompous and self-conscious. "Nothing good happens when I'm alone," Daphne states. "How would you understand? You've never tried it," Ingrid informs her. The film works much better when it provides the periodic insight into Daphne's life.

Not known Facts About Film Review: Endings, Beginnings Is An Endless Slog

She shares the exact same mom (Wendie Malick) with her sister Billie (Lindsay Sloane) but different dads. Her mom was continuously cycling through males. "For the majority of my life, I used my youth as an excuse for my behavior," Daphne laments. We've all recognized individuals like Daphne, somebody who simply can't appear to get his or her life together.

( Or was it Frank? Does it matter?) Daphne's an aggravating and self-centered character. But simply like the real-life equivalents she reminds us of, it's hard not to feel compassion for her, and as is so frequently the case, there's a lot more than we understand going on with somebody whose habits is exasperating.

The 'Endings, Beginnings': Movie Review - Rolling Stone PDFs

This may likewise mirror what really occurs in real life when individuals's traumas go untouched, unmentioned and ignored to, but it makes for a discouraging theatrical experience. After an utterly foreseeable plot twist towards the end, Endings/Beginnings swerves toward an uplifting and positive conclusion doesn't feel natural or made. By then, one can just hope those familiar, inadequately lit faces made the seeing rewarding.

From co-writer/director, the relationship drama follows Daphne (), a 30-something woman browsing love and heartbreak while likewise exploring what she desires out of life. After finding herself attracted to best pals Jack () and Frank (), for really different factors, she ends up on a journey that will teach her more about herself than she ever could have anticipated.

The Basic Principles Of Endings, Beginnings (2019) - Imdb

Image through Samuel Goldwyn Films DRAKE DOREMUS: Yeah, I feel like it's twofold. It has to do with having various experiences in my life, and actually just attempting to believe about what I'm thinking of and where I'm at, and what I'm experiencing and wan na say, or how I'm sensation, or being sad, and various things like that.

I'm simply continuously attempting to repair that and fix my moms and dads' relationship, in a weird way, and also fix mine and repair my own heart and where I'm at. It's limitless, really. At the end of the day, there are just so many different ways to take a look at it. DOREMUS: That's an intriguing concern - endings beginnings movie clips.

Some Known Details About Endings, Beginnings (2020) - Rotten Tomatoes

Endings, Beginnings' Review: Woodley ...

I had simply gotten out of a long term relationship and was actually down. I was trying to figure out what I wished to make and what I wished to state, and really, at the end of the day, I recognized that, before I might find something new, I truly had to look at myself and be all right with myself, and discover some peace and discover some harmony in my life.

Making the film was a cathartic experience in trying to comprehend how to go on that journey, myself. Image through Samuel Goldwyn Films DOREMUS: Gosh, well, thank you a lot. I don't understand. Sometimes it starts with composing something for someone, specifically, but a lot of times, that comes later.

9 Simple Techniques For Endings Beginnings Review: Drake Doremus Returns With ...

I had Jamie [Dornan] and Sebastian [Stan], and I 'd met numerous starlets (endings beginnings movie quotes). endings beginnings full movie 123movies and I had constantly chatted throughout the years, however nothing was the ideal place, right time, which's what this movie was. She was just in the best place in her life to do this film, I feel like, so that was what was interesting for me.

That's where that came from. But no, I didn't compose this motion picture with anyone in mind, really. This one was totally cast from scratch. DOREMUS: Jamie and I did this little Hugo Employer brief film/fashion/perfume advertisement thing, a number of years earlier, and hit it off. I believed he was truly special and great, and wished to do a movie with him, so I resembled, "Oh, this is the perfect opportunity to put him in something where he can really flourish and do what he does best," which is actually doing something actually subtle and nuanced.

Endings, Beginnings (2020) Movie Review - Screen Rant Fundamentals Explained

Endings, Beginnings' Review: Choose Me ...

And after that, I 'd been a huge fan of Sebastian's and thought he was a chameleon, and just enjoyed him in things that I 'd seen him in and actually wished to work with him, so we satisfied and it was love at first sight, for both people. We were much like, "Oh, my god, we have to develop together and get in the mud." We had such a long, deep, fascinating, psychological discussion, the very first time we got together, and I simply actually wished to work with him - endings beginnings movie online.

Endings, Beginnings (2019) - IMDb

It reminded me of that and my relationship with him. I was like, "Oh, this is excellent." And after that, for Daphne, it was really hard. There were a great deal of different actresses that did auditions and we did screen tests with a lot of various individuals. It was a long procedure.

Some Ideas on Endings, Beginnings Movie Review (2020) - Roger Ebert You Should Know

It just seemed like the ideal fit, so I took a chance, and after that everybody fulfilled. Nobody even read together, or understood each other. endings beginnings movie. It was just, a week in the past, like, "Oh, here we go, let's do this." Image by means of Samuel Goldwyn Films DOREMUS: That's a terrific concern. Yes, for anyone who hasn't done an improv film before, that's the huge concern, right off the bat.

Sometimes the first take is the one that ends up in the movie and it's best, but a lot of times, it takes a lot of various versions and journeys to the scene, to really get to the heart of what's gon na work. endings, beginnings movie. So, I think that it's simply a matter of convincing them to trust me.

#endings beginnings movie online #endings beginnings movie trailer #endings beginnings movie spoiler

[diningpageantry]

No Wait Unblock Me

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43133210

Chapter 2/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1580

Chapter Summary: Simon and Baz finally get to "mutuals" status.

BAZ

For the third time today, I see a similar notification slide through my drop down.

bi-sammy sent you a picture

Part of me initially wants to sigh, roll my eyes, and swipe it away, because apparently part of me wishes to be alone for the rest of my life. Thankfully, the reasonable, tiny sliver of my mind makes sure I don’t make such a mistake.

Given the situation, one would think we’d parted ways. He makes a post, we stop the argument, all is fair in fandom and war. Except, now I believe Snow has grown under an impression that after one exchange, it qualifies us for somewhat of a friendship, and therefore reason to send me memes. Don’t get me wrong, memes are a fantastic waste of time and barely a waste of energy, but it’s strange that he’s not fucking off like most people.

Maybe I’m used to others being scared of me.

Maybe I’m used to others following my tactics of scaring them away.

Whatever I’ve done hasn’t worked, since this arse is immune to my attempts at coldness and mild animosity. I’m starting to suspect there’s something genuinely wrong with him, like he doesn’t get enough love and attention.

Guess that makes two of us.

I guess I somewhat crave this friendship. I’ll speak the truth to that and say yes, I smile when his memes pop up. They’re almost always fandom, and definitely made on Photoshop. This one, I see as I tap and let it load, is the crudely drawn Kirby graphic shoving burgers into his mouth, but over Kirby is photoshopped a picture of Huxley’s face and the burgers are Sam's ass.

It’s all poorly done and, sadly, extremely endearing.

My thumbs hover over my keyboard, cheeks creasing as I stare down at the picture. I lay back against my pillows, the curtains drawn and my hair pulled out of my face. It’s quite lonely; my life’s a sterile mixture of quarantined education and age old settled dust in my ancient room. It’s nice to have his somewhat obnoxious messages pop onto my screen, but it feels so odd. So foreign, and barely understood.

I want to understand.

gaystrell: why are you still messaging me?

I get an answer not even a minute later.

bi-sammy: do you want me to stop?

I don’t even hesitate to send out a reply, feeling a steadily growing lump in my throat, choking me mindless.

gaystrell: no.

bi-sammy: then why did you ask?

gaystrell: i just

gaystrell: don’t get it

bi-sammy: get what?

gaystrell: why you’d want to talk to me

bi-sammy: because youre cool

gaystrell: vexing me won’t get you “street cred”, if that’s what you’re after

bi-sammy: shit no wait that’s not what i meant

bi-sammy: dont block me fukc wait

bi-sammy: id just meant that you wrote all that shit and i thought it was really cool and

bi-sammy: i dont know

bi-sammy: i thought we could be friends since you did all that

bi-sammy: ill stop if you want me to

gaystrell: calm down you’re clogging my notifs

gaystrell: do that again and i /will/ block you

gaystrell: but………. if you actually do want to be friends i suppose i’m willing to give forth a little attention

bi-sammy: im osrry i dont speak posh cunt

gaystrell: too bad, blocked

bi-sammy: no wait unblock me

gaystrell: fine last chance

bi-sammy: bitch

gaystrell: b l o c k e d

bi-sammy: no but,,,,,,, i do want to be friends

I’m smiling like a fucking loon, scrolling through our brief exchange. It’s strange. Most people aren’t upfront about wanting to talk, or wanting someone to talk with. Wanting a friend, even. I have the people follow me and ask me questions, and of that only a small handful of those who actually interact eith me (and even in that, we usually only speak to give each other a helping hand).

And despite that, here’s someone who wants to try.

I suck my lower lip into my mouth, trying to think of my course of actions.

There’s a simple one I can take now (and probably should’ve taken as an initiative). I click his icon, and click “Follow” on his page.

It doesn’t take very long before I get a notification come through, starting that he mentioned me in a post.

It isn’t very long, but it gets its point across in the best way possible. It’s just a mobile screenshot, reading “gaystrell started following bi-sammy” with a quick caption.

god himself entered the groupchat. how do i block him?

SIMON

I wonder what it’d be like to see me in the moment. It’s a real shame Penn wasn’t around to capture it, since I’m in the middle of French class, but I must’ve smiled so stupidly that it caught the attention of the professor. He gave me a stern look until I set down my mobile.

The moment he turned away, I opened it back up and grinned.

At first, I didn’t believe what I was seeing. Him. Following me.

Us. Mutuals. Mutuals.

Of course I had to screenshot and post as a brag (barely humble, more metaphorically sucking my own knob for all my followers to see). Nobody really cares, as expected.

Well, nobody except the single message from none other than Mr. Bitch.

gaystrell: blocked. unfollowed. reported. waste of space.

My smile creases back my cheeks as they flush pink. I send back a quick message before turning my mobile over, foot tapping double the speed of the analogue on the wall.

bi-sammy: ;)

BAZ

He winked. Interesting.

I’m out of breath.

Fuck?

I lay my phone flat away from me, face down as I squint at my wall. I should respond in a composed fashion. I have to be clever, and not one-upping him is never an option. After all, does this qualify as flirting? Friendly banter? What am I doing with this random fucking bloke that I don’t even have a face to put to?

He’s my age. Roughly. Yes?

I check his tumblr again, as if I hadn’t just read his bio earlier.

simon // he/him // 17 // hold my fucking hand (please)

Maybe he’s just straight and I’m misreading it. Yes. Probably. Aren’t most people straight? Is that still a fact? (I highly doubt it, given how boring that must be.) But he winked at me. Somewhat prompted, I’ll give him that, but it was still a fucking wink.

I wink in texts to Dev and Niall too, though, but that’s different, isn’t it? I’d never snog either of them (especially fucking Dev), but hey. If unfaced internet boy asked for a snog, would I?

I’m too wrapped up and starved for human interaction to properly deal with this.

gaystrell: i will carry on with my threats, snow

There it is. Perfectly biting, while not being entirely rejecting. Maybe I’m better at this than I thought.

Or, perhaps, I’m worse, because even an hour and a half after sending the text, he’s silent.

I remind myself every few minutes that he most likely attends an actual school and has classes, but it makes my chest ache in the most unfair way every time my mobile tempts me with an unrelated notification.

I work myself to the point of moping down in the kitchen, slumping against the fridge whilst watching Vera make tea. She’s relatively silent, knowing better than anybody to leave me to sulk.

“You’re a drama queen,” she tuts, looking over me. Granted, I dress like a slob and borderline haunt this godforsaken mansion, but I feel as though that makes me entitled to being the way I am.

“I’m lonely,” I sigh, head resting against the fridge. It hums beside me, the chromed metal cooling my cheek. “Am I not granted a dramatic spell every now and then?”

“Not unprovoked.”

I set a hand against the handle, then let it drop. I’m not hungry. “What if it was provoked?”

“Is it?”

Instinctively, I pull out my phone and click it on. Nothing. “Perhaps.”

Vera frowns at me, walking over and setting a hand on my arm. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling okay?”

My eyes slowly roll as I push myself off the appliance, standing upright. “Physically, yes. Don’t fuss. It’s just… online shit.”

“You spend too much time on the phone,” she sighs, letting go and going back to the tea as she fixes me a mug. “Don’t you think you’d be happier to disconnect from social media for a day or two? Go on a walk, see nature?”

I snort, looking outside. “And what? Trip and bust open my knee? That’d wind me back up in care for at least a few days.”

“You act like you’re made of paper and glass.” She offers over my mug, letting my fingers wind around the handle before she shakes her head.

“I might as well be,” I huff down before thanking her and blowing on my tea.

Once I leave back up to my room, I realise it's somehow more depressing in here over the kitchen with Vera’s disapproval of technology rantings. At least she’s some sort of company.

As I’m sipping my tea, I go back to scrolling on my laptop as a notif pops up, jarring me with the sound but letting me breathe again.

bi-sammy: why do you know my last name smh

I exhale slowly, smiling to myself.

gaystrell: you commented on my google doc, you idiot

#carry on #fanfiction #fanfic #snowbaz #fic #mine #it's a handheld disaster #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm-pitch #baz pitch #simon #baz #wow look at me #updating once a day #wowwie

[with-galaxies-in-her-veins]

hey, it's ya girl, and i'm back with some more relationship stuff, since apparently relationships are hard, and they suck, but oh well, what can we do, we're a world blinded by the facets of love 

today we’re going to talk about letting go and moving on

yeah, a strange concept, i know. but here’s the thing: sometimes you need to let someone go in order to allow someone new to come into your life. not only will this allow you to heal, recover, or whatever you need at the moment, but it’ll help the other person as well. maybe it's not your intention to "help" them, but if you do this, it'll make you feel so much better, mentally and even physically (as stress and depression take quite the toll on the body). there are a few scenarios i'm going to break down today, and the first one will be: breakups

breakups SUCK, and they're painful, and yeah, you might want to make your ex a sim and burn it in a house fire, but here's the thing: by doing this, you are giving that person headspace, therefore giving them power over you that they don't deserve. in some cases, breakups are mutual, and those are the easiest to get over, because you're not riddled with the guilt of dumping someone, or with the pain of being dumped (raise your hand if you've been here, rip). we're not here to talk about you dumping someone, though, we're here to talk about you being dumped, or, to put it nicer, broken up with. 

i know that it's hard, and i know that it hurts, but trust me - someone better will come along. someone who loves you for you, and will be the perfect missing puzzle piece to your Ravensburger. you, as an individual, are amazing, okay? you have this uniqueness about you that nobody else could even dream of replicating. it doesn't matter that i don't know who'll read this, because every person in the world has that unique spark in them, regardless of who they are. that spark is what makes people fall in love with you, and if they start to realize that they can no longer care for that spark, then it's not your fault. don't try and win back their affections, especially if they've already moved on. i've said this before, and i'll say it again:

"don't chase after someone who wouldn't even think twice about leaving you behind. sure, it might hurt to just block them out, but sometimes it's for the best. after all, if they were willing to just up and leave in the first place, what makes you so sure that they'll stay any longer? sure, it's going to be hard, but you can do this. toxic people are something that you'll run into every day, but it's your choice if you let them poison you or not."

it might seem harsh, but think about it - what would keep them from leaving you again? save yourself the heartache and move on, okay? you've got the whole world in front of you, and i know that you can do infinitely better than some sod who left you.

rejection

rejection. O U C H. since we're all on tumblr, i'm going to use internet rejection as this example. say you meet someone online that you really like. they're funny, sweet, smart, whatever you're into. things are going good, going great, you feel awesome and floaty and almost maybe a little in love, then suddenly, BOOM. bomb is dropped and they ghost you. even if you've never really met in person, you still form this emotional attachment to the person, which makes being rejected by them all the more painful, and that's okay. it's okay to be hurt by someone you've never met before, and it's okay to feel bad. what's not okay is soaking in the feeling and letting it ruin your life. 

another example would be when someone's interested in you, but you keep shutting them down for whatever reason, then they move on and you suddenly feel rejected. yeah, that sucks, but look, you shut them down, right? even though they CLEARLY showed interest in you, regardless of age (this is only okay if you're both legal, obviously), distance, medical issues, sense of humour, etc? so although it's okay to feel sad that they've moved on and are with someone else, it's not okay to play the victim here. it's not fair to the other person, and it's not fair to you. for one, you're better than some petty little anger at not being "the chosen one" anymore, and for another, it'll make the other person feel bad about being happy. so be the bigger person. don't worry, you'll find someone else who loves you, or shows the same amount of interest, if not more. so stand up, stop moping, and try being happy for the other person. if you truly care about them, then you'll want them to be happy, no matter what, right?

moving on

gotta get your move on, boi (or gal, or nonbinary pal, whichever applies to you). i'm not saying "go chase after someone else now," as that's just not healthy. let it happen in your own time, and don't push for a relationship. if it's meant to be, it'll happen, and your manipulating the situation will only cause it to backfire. 

so, onto the methods of moving on for those who don't quite want to move on:

block the person. i mean seriously, just block them, especially if they're only causing you heartache 

practice some self-care methods. journal, draw, create, just do something that'll help you take your mind off of things. bonus points if you love what you're doing 

if you're angry at the person, then make a sim for them and kill it. give it the worst luck possible, the worst life imaginable in the sims. this will act as your outlet of anger, and will prevent you from going off a the person (hopefully). obviously this isn't the most ideal or healthy way of coping and moving on (as i stated earlier), but i must say, it is quite effective. 

write a letter stating what you're feeling. pour your heart out, write a poem, insult them in ancient shakespearean language, just write. it doesn't matter if you don't ever send the letter, email, text, whatever, just compose it, then dispose of it, or save it to re-read later. one method that i suggest is to write down what you're feeling on paper, the rip the paper up into little shreds. if you're in a stable state of mental health, you can even burn it (just be sure not to start any fires!). if you write an email, then address it to a spam email account of yours so that you don't accidentally send it. if you choose to text or dm, type it out to someone else first, in case. if you're feeling particularly brave, you can send this message. the times i've done all of these are innumerable, and each time they've really helped me to sort out how i feel about what went down, even if i never actually sent it.

accept how you feel and let it go. if you're a big visualization fan, then find something to symbolize how you feel about the person (gifts they gave you that you no longer want, pictures, letters, etc. just make sure to take pictures so you don't forget that at one point, they actually did like you), and let it go. all it will be is dust in the wind, particles of the atmosphere being turned into something new. 

wallow. take one day off and just cry. wallow in self-pity. eat a whole pizza to yourself (just kidding, don't do that), watch sappy romance movies, just take the time to feel bad. this one day is the only day where you'll let your emotions fully take over, the only day where you're allowed to feel whatever emotion, as long as you don't act aggressively on those emotions. so grab some kleenex, put on a sad movie, eat some ice cream, and cry. you'll be okay, i promise.

i know that moving on can be quite difficult, and it can be quite painful, no matter how much you try to hide from those feelings. having a support system is so unbelievably important. if you don't feel like you can tell your friends or family, then reach out to someone you feel like you can trust. scream your feelings into the void, if you feel like that's the only way you can rant. just don't wallow in self-pity and make others feel bad for being happy just because you're in a funk. it's not worth it, and frankly, it's just a waste of time. 

you are amazing, beautiful, clever, intelligent, funny, everything that you were meant to be, and nothing, not even a little relationship problems, can take that away from you.

now here's a few questions i have for you: 

how did you feel about your relationship in the beginning? did you have a good or bad feeling? did you think it'd last? did you trust the person? 

sometimes your gut feeling, or your initial feeling, is the one that will be correct in the end. for example, when you start out in a relationship but feel weary, why do you think that is? is it because the person has a history of (insert here), or is it because of a vibe they have? LISTEN TO THAT FEELING, i cannot stress this enough, ahhh 

this is something that'll help you a lot in the future, but at the moment, it'll help keep you safe. that's all i've got for now, and honestly, i can't say i'm the most credible when it comes to relationships, but hey, if this helps you, then that's all that matters :) 

these words of wisdom were brought to you by: things i wish i had heard a few years ago

#relationships #words of advice #advice #moving on #breakups #rejection #self help #self-love #self-care #love #dating #move on #tips #help #love yourself #long post #positive #recovery #date