#i'm finally at that point in my transition where i feel comfortable enough with myself to let someone else know me in that way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

genderqueerdykes · 1 year

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I've always felt uncomfortable in my agab and it's taken me a long time (I'm in my 30s now) to get to the point where I finally figured myself out and realized I want to transition (ftm). I know this is a very individual thing and depends on a lot of things, but do you have any general advice on coming out as trans?

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU THOUGH!!!!! i'm really, really proud of people who come out in their 30s, 40s, and so on, it makes me soooo happy you have no idea, i'm glad you finally get to live a more comfortable life for yourself

in general, it's way easier to come out to friends than family, unless you know you have specific friends that will take it poorly. either way, coming out to friends at first makes it way easier. don't feel pressured to wait until HRT or until you look the way you want to to come out. i know a lot of people feel like they have to "look" trans before they come out to be taken seriously. don't wait, just tell people.

take the time to build confidence in yourself before coming out. find a day where you already feel good about who you are and how you identify, and where you actually want to talk about who you are. i find it's easiest when you actually want to be having that conversation in the first place, it makes other people more receptive and engaged.

starting with name and pronouns is usually easiest, that's what i did, if you want to change those, or if they give you dysphoria. i came out to my best friend at the time and said "hey, i think i'm a guy, I'd like you to start calling me (name) and using he/him pronouns." i was very comfortable with that person, though, and i know it's not quite that easy for everyone. you can write a letter, text, email, IM message, etc. if you want because some people find it easier to write down their thoughts. either way, give it to them as simply as possible and while they're chewing on that and changing the way they refer to you in conversation, you can transition socially in other ways like the way you dress, etc.

if they respond poorly, i would recommend finding support elsewhere and transitioning with people who support you, whoever that can be. whether they're online friends, local queer friends you find at an LGBT alliance, transgender resource center, gay hangout spot, what have you.

coming out to family is a bit harder, that one i had to do long distance and over text. but if you have a good relationship with your family, you can chance that once you have a bit more confidence and support. coming out at work is honestly the easiest because at least in the united states they are legally obligated to accept the change and if they don't you can get your managers and coworkers in serious trouble. that usually tends to go over the smoothest. if they refuse, they can very easily lose their jobs if you take the correct channels to report them for discrimination.

anyway, i hope that was enough to help! take care, i'm so proud of you, i'm glad you've realized who you are and are taking the steps to live a more authentic life! good luck with everything@

#asks #answers #coming out #trans man #ftm #trans men

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cumbunnywitch · 6 months

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Body Positivity isn't just a mindset for other people, but a journey of self-acceptance too. Like, yes, obviously, bullying or harassing or whatever someone because they're fat or hairy or they don't meet some arbitrary definition of attractiveness is a really shitty thing to do.

But, it's also about learning to accept yourself for how you look. A lot of body-pos stuff really is taking a good long look at yourself and understanding if maybe some of the feelings you have towards the people you used to look down on were, in fact, internalized things. And I'll be honest, I needed to do this myself. I was not always the relatively nice but mouthy woman you know me as.

I don't talk about this a lot but I used to be really dang skinny. Like, very underweight. When I was 19, I weight 115 pounds at 5'6, and almost none of that was fat(I was a jock(and a boy, at the time)), and so I had a lot of exercise, and none of the massive amounts of food I ate went anywhere near my waistline or butt.

A few years later, I would weigh 150, sedentary from a job mostly sitting around answering calls all day, no gym membership to speak of. I gained weight really quick, actually. And then latent anorexia hit. I started getting worried, after a few months of this. I wasn't really sure why, but it turns out a lot of that was also dysmorphia and dysphoria kicking in from the Gender Questions I was asking myself and also trying to hide. A few years after transitioning though, I hit 187, and that feeling of being too fat was a gnawing anxiety. (un)Fortunately, my self-soothing for anxiety was overeating, so you can see where I fell into a vicious cycle of trying to lose weight desperately and the anxious need to eat to numb-out the stress of life, dysphoria, and being an adult.

At one point, I killed my desire to eat almost entirely, and went on a crash diet. Keto, plus low calorie, plus serving size restriction. I worked out for an hour a day, feeling like I was going to pass out the entire time. It wasn't healthy. I kept that up for almost 2 months, and went from around 185 to 165. I am not incredibly large, nor am I obese, but some part of myself needed me to hit arbitrary numbers.

At some point, I finally recognized that this wasn't healthy, and I was only feeling worse. I allowed myself a burger, and visited a therapist. I don't have full-blown anorexia, but a big part of what was causing my issues were internalized and arbitrary standards that not only conflicted with the way I wanted to treat other people, but with a healthy lifestyle.

Do I still want to lose weight? Yea. Have I found a healthier mindset and, arguably more importantly, a healthier reason? Also yes. I accept my body for what it looks like. I accept that my eating habits are not "the problem" or that I need to be thin.

I have killed the part of me that wants to be thin-as-string and I'm learning to accept that the journey to losing weight isn't about numbers and goals and forcing myself into unwinnable regiments of working out until I physically cannot stand and eating just enough to wake up the next day.

I wanna wear a dress I bought when I first started transitioning. I was already getting bigger, and it very nearly fits. When I suck in my tummy, I look fantastic in it. Thats it. That's my goal. No numbers, no waistline measurements. And I'm gonna take my fuckin' time doing it, because it's my body, and good food is worth enjoying if it takes another week or two.

I don't feel frustrated about my weight or my body anymore. I'm comfortable in my skin, and I've learned to examine my thoughts when I'm feeling gross. I'm getting better. I love myself.

I'm not trying to say anything here, either. This is just my personal journey. If you learn something from it, then great.

#trans #body posititivity

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multigenderswag · 11 months

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hi sorry, hope you don't mind another ask -

i've been questioning being multigender lately. when i was younger i identified with a bunch of labels and such, but being trans has not been a very good experience for me, and due to that i spent a long while trying to function on a binary and yadda yadda. i've finally gotten to a point where i'm working through that and trying to figure out how i actually feel, not just how i should feel

so the question is: i was wondering if you had an info pages on the terms transfemmasc and transmascfem? ive seen them used on here and they seem like terms i could potentially identify with, but i havent really found anything that just explains what they mean haha. otherwise if you could just explain them that would be cool too

but besides that, it's nice to see that there are people out there who also feel gender in a way that doesn't fit in with the general consensus. i think my gender can be very fluid over long periods of time, but at the moment, i often feel very fem-oriented, while at the same time desiring a masculine body. sometimes i think about how the ideal for me would have been to be born amab and transitioned after puberty, and it often makes me feel very guilty, because i know how difficult that is for so many trans women... i just think it would give me the presentation i desire. i want to look masculine as a baseline, so that i can care for myself and present in a way that appears feminine or neutral.

gender has always been very confusing to me, and i'm not sure if i'll ever find any labels i'm fully comfortable with, no matter how hard i look or how much i want it to be simple. maybe there are some labels that describe that, lol. but thank you for your blog, and sorry to ramble. you make a difference, and all that :)

As far as I know, transmascfem and transfemmasc mean the same thing- I just prefer transfemmasc because the word flows better for me. I identify that one because I feel like both transmasc and transfem are words that could describe me because neither one of my genders is cis. One may technically align with my assigned gender, but it's not like it's stayed there all my life- my genders have traveled all over the spectrum, and that journey was trans. Many people who are transfemmasc also identify that way due to being intersex, though that's not the case for me. You can read a little more here.

It's okay if you never find a label that's a perfect fit, by the way. You can go with a "close enough" label or no label at all, if you like.

#asks #transfemmasc

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albertserra · 2 years

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maybe im preaching but thought this might be nice to say. i was a semi-closeted amab they/them for a decade, was always curious what hormones would do to me but figured i didn't 'need it' as much as other ppl cuz i have more like, social dysphoria than body dysphoria, and had no clear transition goals. eventually i was coming up on 30 years old and was like well it's not taking resources from anyone else, and straight people treat me like a bit of a sideshow faggo anyways so why not give it a try... anyways im a year into it now and my ass is absurd and my face is 5 years younger, i'm way less anxious and sarcastic than ever before and feel like people are talking to Me now instead of an imaginary me. i dont rly care if they perceive me as a woman but they see me as intentionally being myself instead of being a clumsy attempt at manhood and idk, it really helps!

i love you so much thank you for sending this it really felt grounding + reassuring. im so happy you got to finally reach a point where youre comfortable (feeling like ppl are talking to You as you are rather than an imagined/projected self is like... huge). <333333333333333333333. if you dont mind me asking what kind of hormone treatment are you doing? i started out by considering t blockers exclusively since i dont (think) i want anything too drastic but i read that thats not a feasible option long-term due to osteoporosis concerns if you dont have enough of either hormone. dont need in depths details but im just curious and theres not much i can find online about amab nb hormone options, and again feel free to not answer if you dont feel comfortable!!

#asks #anonymous

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queerdeerskates · 2 years

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Skating journal: days 46 & 47 - skate parks again!

I can't believe I forgot to write about my first time back at a skate park, lol. In my defense it was late and I was tired.

I'm in a discord group for roller skaters in my area. They're mostly park skaters and they're usually at one park or another in the evening. I don't usually go because I'm afraid of skate parks and especially busy skate parks, but about a week ago I decided to join them. I had had a pretty bad & stressful day because of one of my other hobbies (I'm planning a ttrpg campaign and it's only going okay) and I was thinking that going skating might help me feel better. I went to the rink I usually go to and it was empty. Normally I would have been excited that there wasn't a practice going on, but I didn't want to be all by myself. I prefer skating around other people, even if they're not actually there to hang out with me. So I went to the park where the discord group was hanging out, even though it was half an hour away. I actually had to call my friend on the drive over because I was so nervous.

The park was pretty crowded. I actually couldn't figure out where the discord skaters were. It was so cool though! It was a really nice evening and the park was well lit. There were a ton of inline skaters doing all kinds of crazy tricks. I was... mostly scared. There wasn't a lot of flat ground and there especially wasn't any flat ground that wasn't in the middle of somebody's run. The whole park was on a hill too, so you couldn't get from one end to the other without going up or down something. I had watched the new Dirty Deb video on what to do your first time at the skate park, and she recommended finding a non-transition ramp to go down and practice getting the flow of the skatepark. There were plenty of those around, but they all were so high or steep that they made me really nervous. I finally found the tiniest, babiest incline to go down (seriously, I think it was about as steep as the natural slant of the ground at the rink). It was near another flat ramp going up, so I could go down my little baby ramp and then up the next one as far as momentum carried me, then go back down that ramp fakie (that's just park terminology for backwards). I'd made a little improvement at going down a ramp fakie the first time I went to a park before I hurt my knee, but I had to basically re-learn it all over again. Also, the spot where my baby ramp was was right in the middle of a run that a bunch of the inliners were working on. It's definitely okay to be in the same general area as somebody else, but I don't have a good sense yet of what counts as being in the way or not in the way at a skate park. On top of that I was so nervous I could barely skate on flat ground. So I did my little baby run a few times, but mostly I sat and watched the inliners. They were SO cool. One of them ran across my path once and was really apologetic and also super encouraging. And the tricks they all did were amazing!! I really hope I can be that cool someday. I did run into one person from the discord and they were super nice too.

I didn't end up skating very much, but I was still so stoked when I went home. My goal had been to go to a skate park and skate and not injure myself, and I had done all of those, so I was pretty happy with my success.

Then I promptly got my period and didn't skate for a whole week, which was VERY annoying. But I kept busy with lots of other hobbies. I completed two sewing projects in the last few days, which is as many as I usually do in a year. Today I finally felt energized enough to skate again, and I even got off work a little early, so I decided to face my fear and go to the nearby park where I had hurt myself.

I figured the park was likely to be pretty empty mid-afternoon on a weekday, which was good, because I'm still not really used to it to the point where I'm comfortable when it's very busy. There were only a couple of teens there on scooters, and they left not long after I arrived. I was so nervous (and out of practice) I could barely skate. But I took some time to let myself warm up, and things got much better. This park is pretty small, it's basically a square with some ramps around the sides and platforms in the middle. I could skate around the square on flat ground. My main object though was improving my fakie skating. I can skate backwards okay if I transition from going forwards or start from standing still, but going up a ramp and coming back down is different. There's a nice low transition ramp near one corner of the square that I was practicing on, the same as my first time there before I hurt myself. I could skate up to the ramp, let momentum carry me partway up, then come down fakie. It's super baby stuff, but it's difficult! I only fell on the ramp once today, and I didn't get hurt. I did manage to fall skating on flat ground too, but I was alright. I'm gonna need to get better pads though. Mine are starting to get really scraped up and frayed.

I did improve my fakie stance a lot today. By the end I could get about halfway up the ramp (which was maybe four or five feet tall), come down fakie, and keep skating backwards as long as I wanted. I'm not actually sure how long I was there. Half an hour to an hour I think. Eventually some skateboarders showed up, and that made me nervous, but I was able to keep going for a while. Then a parent and kid on bikes came in and I decided it was busy enough for me to go home. The poor kid had a fall while I was putting my gear away and got the wind knocked out of them, so they and their parent went home too. They were really little, maybe seven? And they were way braver than me. It's fun to see little kids learning to skate or bike or other stuff like that.

I had an audiobook in today instead of music. Most of the time I prefer music for skating, but since I was so focused on drills instead of rhythm or flow, this was alright. I've been on a Jane Austen kick the last few days. Since there's been so much discourse about the new Persuasion movie I decided to listen to the audiobook during my weekend sewing project. And I really liked it, so I listened to Emma while I did my next sewing project and made some storytime crafts for work. I just finished Emma this morning, so I started Northanger Abbey while I was skating this afternoon. Out of the books I've read so far (which includes Pride and Prejudice way back in high school), I think Mr. Knightley is my favorite love interest - though, no offense to Emma, but I actually think Jane got a better deal marrying Mr. Churchill. I really like that guy's sense of humor. But so far Catherine Morland is my favorite protagonist. We love an ADHD kid who only reads novels.

I've been so bad about not doing the drills I said I was gonna do. I should really go to the rink and work on stuff in an environment that doesn't freak me out. But I also don't want to make skating a chore, so if I was in the mood to try a skate park today then I figure that's what I should do. And I definitely had a good time! I'm proud of my improvement and I'm looking forward to skating at parks more. I'm going to have to figure out a skill progression, though. Skating at the park really scares me, as much as I enjoy it and want to get better at it, so I want to figure out how to progress in a way that feels controlled and safe.

#Queer Deer Writes #Skating journal #Quad skating #Roller skating

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hemilf · 4 years

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hmmm you know what i wanna maybe start wearing again....... some of those cute thigh-high socks/stockings...

#there are a lot of 'feminine' things i stopped wearing bc it made me dysphoric/got me misgendered a lot more #that more recently ive started feeling comfortable enough to want to do again #like wearing earrings & growing my hair long again + wearing it in cute hairstyles #like i feel like i'm finally reaching a point in my transition where i feel more comfortable presenting in a more feminine/androgynous way #while still asserting myself as a man #and tbh it's exciting bc for the first time in a while i wanna really experiment with my style #trans talk

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cygnetofthesea · 3 years

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The Rest of Forever: Elite Fanfiction

This story is dedicated to the wonderful ladies I met through the tumblr Elite chat. You guys are so lovely and have made the experience all the better. I hope this story is a nice reminder of who Guznadia is at heart. <3

He's warm and content, oh so utterly at peace.

It was an unfamiliar sensation and for a moment he was confused, wondering if he had woken up into another dream. But feeling the heat of her body tucked tightly against him, Guzman knows that by some miracle, this was his reality.

His heart fills with this quiet elation, smiling sleepily while pulling Nadia even closer against him, her back pressing against him. He nuzzles against the loose curls until his lips touch the soft skin of her neck. He inhales deeply and is filled with that familiar lavender scent.

He remembers when he first walked into her parents' fruit shop and was hit with a gust of lavender. He smelled it every time he visited and every time he was around Nadia. He had finally asked her about it one day as he held her in his arms. He was still pining and waiting for her to take their friendship to the next level but he reveled in her touch as always, tucking his face into her neck.

"You smell so good. You always smell so good," he said, his voice coming out in a low rasp. He felt her shiver against him, her arms tightening just slightly. "What is it?"

She started to pull away and his grip around her waist tightened to let her know he wasn't ready to let go yet. She complied and simply pulled her head back to look at him with an amused smile.

"It's lavender. When my parents first opened up the shop they were having problems with insects buzzing around the fruits so I went out and planted a bunch of lavenders around the shop and house. They keep the insects away, protecting the fruits."

He beamed down at her, a flash of little Nadia kneeling on the ground, hands muddy with soil as she planted flowers. "How old were you?"

She scrunched her nose thoughtfully. "Hmmm, about six, I think? I was already getting myself dirty, playing outside so I had no problems planting flowers. I felt like they were my children," she admitted with a blush.

Oh god, he thought, watching her cheeks turn a tantalizing rosy color. He wanted to feel the heat beneath her cheek, he wanted to feel it on his skin. His heart raced and before he could stop himself, he let his fingers brush gently, tentatively, against her heat. He wanted to close his eyes and bask in her touch but he was riveted by her dark eyes looking at him. They were so intense, piercing his soul and he felt so exposed to her. He knew what she was seeing, his heart laid out for hers to take, but it didn't make him afraid. He felt powerful every time she looked at him because it was her gaze that was on him. Somehow, some way, he was able to draw her attention to him enough to keep her eyes on him. Somehow this wonderful, beautiful, special girl was sparing her time and energy for him of all people.

He had so desperately wanted to kiss her then, his lips tingling. He had wanted to simultaneously sip on her languidly and devour her hungrily. That was what she did to him. She calmed him like the sun peeking out from behind stormy clouds and made his blood heat like the storm itself.

He had never felt like this in his entire life and he was addicted. He didn’t need drugs when he had Nadia.

Even now as he gripped her sleeping body against him, slowly kissed up her neck, he couldn't believe she was here. He couldn’t believe she was his as much as he was hers

He feels her shift, waking up at last. "Good morning," he mumbles against her.

He sees her smile, her eyes slowly opening to peer over at him. She looks at him sleepily, her hands finding his own resting on her stomach.

"Good morning."

Her voice is rough from sleep and it pulls at his heart. For the umpteenth time, he thinks God, she's so beautiful.

He leans over her as she shifts around to face him and kisses her. He's soft at first, kissing her top lip, then her bottom lip before pulling it with his teeth. He can't help but nibble on the soft fullness, letting himself get lost in the reality that they really are together. Reunited and this time, for good.

"Are you really here?" he asks quietly in between kisses.

She melts against the sheets, pulling him closer atop her. "I should be asking you that," she sighs. "I can't believe you're finally here. With me. In New York."

She kisses him passionately then as though the words woke her up from her own dream. He spreads his hands wide against her bare skin, pressing against the softness.

"Nadia," he breathes, sliding his lips against her jaw, down her neck, pulling her skin as he goes.

Her fingers thread through his short hair as she arches her neck back under his ardent attention. He lifts her higher up on the bed, the headboard knocking against the wall with the movement.

"Guzman—"

A loud bang on the wall pulls them from their bubble and Lu's voice interrupts them, "Oi! I had to listen to you last night and sleep with headphones on, I'm not putting up with it for breakfast."

Guzman knocks on the wall once. "You can always go out for breakfast, you know," he scolds.

Lu shouts back a retort he couldn’t understand nor cared to.

Nadia shrinks further into the bed in embarrassment even though her door was firmly closed and locked. Guzman's ire at the disruption is eclipsed by the affection that washes over him as he looks down at her. She had covered her face shyly but he could see a hint of her smile.

He settles over her comfortably, taking care not to crush her and resting his elbows on either side of her. His hands travel up her forearm to her hands, pulling them from her face and before he can protest, he attacks her face with kisses.

"Guzman," Nadia squeals, trying to dodge his lips as a peel of laughter escapes her.

She twists her body to move her head out of reach but Guzman switches to kissing her neck and shoulders while tickling her sides. Nadia hikes her leg up to wrap around his hip and uses it to leverage herself on top of him. In a surprising twist, Nadia flips Guzman on his back and holds his wrists prisoner.

He looks at her in astonishment, out of breath, before a slow grin spreads across his face. "Well, I can't complain about this turn of events. I don't mind being at your mercy."

He swallows as Nadia leans closer to brush her nose against his. "We'll be at Lu's mercy if we don't behave."

His face crumples in displeasure at that. "That's not where I was hoping this was going."

Nadia shakes her head with a giggle, her soft curls brushing against him and he can't help leaning into them, enjoying their soft brushes against his skin. She releases his wrists to rest firmly over him and his hands immediately reach for her, gliding them softly up and down her back.

“I know, my impatient boy, but as long as I'm— we're —living with Lu, we should be mindful of our roommate, no?"

"Ugh, we really need our own place."

Nadia smiles softly at that, caressing his cheek. "That sounds lovely, but let's wait a little bit. I don't want to leave Lu alone when we haven't even been here a whole year."

"Lu will be fine," he replies. "She's pretty resourceful."

"I know that, but I think she's come to appreciate my presence, maybe even needs it," Nadia frowns. "You know she puts on a good brave face, but underneath it all she's still burdened by what happened. She's still scared of being on her own in this brand new place."

Guzman brushes a lock of Nadia's hair behind her ear, his demeanor softening as he looks at her. He knew she was right and even though he wanted nothing more than to have a home with just Nadia, he wasn't going to take this for granted. If being with Nadia, living with her, and starting a life with her at long last meant Lu was going to be a fixture in their lives for a little while, he'd go along with it happily.

"You're right," he agrees softly. "And you’re possibly too kind and thoughtful than anyone deserves. Especially Lu."

Nadia sits up, pulling Guzman up with her. "Maybe you're right," she shrugs, putting on a maxi dress as Guzman woefully looks on. Much as he wants to stay in bed with Nadia, he knows they have to face the day at some point. "But, it's the right thing to do. And against my better judgement, I feel for her."

Guzman walks over to her, slipping on his boxer briefs as he goes. Instinctively, he zips up her dress before she can ask and pulls her close. She smiles in thanks, looking up at him.

"I love you," he says. "So much."

She leans up to kiss his nose. "I love you."

"So much?"

She giggles, nodding. "So much."

His body relaxes, his heart feeling so full he thinks it just might burst. I love you, I love you, I love you… Every heartbeat is for her and he feels as though he'll never tire of telling her just how much he loves her.

"Now why don't we make the most of this beautiful day together?" she says with excitement, her eyes lighting up. "What do you want to do first? We can pick up breakfast from Pret A Manger and take it to Riverside Park. I go there all the time and I've been dying to show you. It's so beautiful and there's a gorgeous view of the water. And then we can take Citibikes around the area or—oh! We can take the NJ Transit and go to New Jersey if you like." She bites her lower lip thoughtfully and he wants to pull it between his teeth instead but she continues to ramble excitedly. "Actually maybe we'll do the New Jersey trip another time, you haven't even seen New York yet. Maybe we can take the bikes down to Battery Park unless you want to try out the trains—"

He could listen to her excited chatter all day but he was concerned she was going to run out of oxygen soon so he leans in and kisses her just long enough to stun her into silence. He pulls away, smiling in amusement.

"Nadia, it doesn’t matter what we do. We could do it all or none of it today because the important thing is we're here. Together. You and me, we have the rest of our lives to do it all."

Nadia looks up at him, her eyes wide and sparkling. She reaches up on her tiptoes, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and again, he gets that lovely whiff of lavender from her. He leans into her to inhale more of it, letting it wash over him. Home.

"You're right," she says. "You and me. We have the rest of forever together."

#Guznadia #Netflix Elite #guzman x nadia #Nadia x Guzman #Elite Fanfic #Guznadia Fanfic #cygnetofthesea writings #cygnetofthesea graphics #cygnetofthesea edits

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imaginethebeautifulworld · 3 years

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prussia x reader: silly squabbles

Hello, lovelies~ I was plagued by images of this dumbass and his general ridiculousness, so of course I had to write it all out. This fic is pointless, but I hope you enjoy anyway.

"You are really annoying."

"And yet, somehow, I'm not detecting any real annoyance. Wonder why?"

His words hung lightly in the air, gentle and playful, just shy of taunting.

You did your best to ignore them, trying to focus on your book. But his fingers were moving again, trailing over your back in an inconsistent pattern, heavy enough a presence to register, yet just light enough to torment.

You were sure, in some long-winded, ridiculous, roundabout way, he would blame you for this predicament- for not reading as fast as him, for not paying him enough attention during a lazy day in.

Regardless, you tried to focus on the passage at hand, rereading the same paragraph for the tenth time now as he teased a particularly sensitive spot near your ribs.

He wasn't quite tickling you- not yet- but the shifting tempo and pressure all played upon the obvious threat.

Only mildly irritated- really, you were too familiar with his shenanigans by now to ever be truly annoyed- your focus landed on the bookcase, the only immediate target for your long-suffering gaze. "Do you mind?"

There was a hint of pride in his voice as he answered, a cockiness at successfully distracting you. "Nope!"

His fingers- now having tasked themselves with massaging more than teasing- paused between your shoulder blades. "Why? Do you?"

Rather than allow him another victory, you huffed quietly, pointedly making an effort to lose yourself once more in your book. "No... Not at all."

If he was amused by your answer practically being ground between your teeth, he made no indication of it. Instead, he resumed his massage, keeping his palm mostly flat against your spine, adopting a steady rhythm that lulled you into some semblance of security.

You allowed yourself to relax, turning your attention fully to your tale, praying he would at least let you finish this chapter in relative peace.

It was a hope to be short-lived alas, his posture shifting, bringing him near enough to read over your shoulder.

You were far too invested to truly pay him any mind, but then he was hovering near your temple, fingers drifting ever closer to your neck, once more dancing in that maddeningly light way which he employed solely in effort to agitate you.

You knew what he was doing, and you'd be damned if you'd let him win; summoning every ounce of self-restraint within you, you purposely, blatantly, chose to ignore him.

It took only a few moments for him to acknowledge your determination towards defiance (a few torturous moments where he had started tracing his nails against your hairline and whispered some of the passage aloud), his huff of displeasure bring you a small taste of sweet, sweet victory.

You would have been naive to think he had given up, knew it would be foolish to assume, to dare to presume, that he didn't already have other strategies in mind.

What you couldn't guess, regretfully, was exactly which plan he would attempt next.

When he sat upright once more, leaving you to lounge peacefully on your stomach, you unwisely surmised that he was actually finished with the whole affair, that he'd grown bored, that he would actually leave you to your novel in peace.

Feeling him shift back to the head of the bed, hearing him tapping away at his phone- these factors allied with his distance away from you all allayed your worries, letting you escape once more to the realm belonging to the pages before you.

The temporary tranquility was somehow less than simply fleeting; it had scarcely existed at all.

Not even five minutes had passed, and you felt teasing fingers once more, now grazing ever-so-softly against the bare skin of your ankle.

A jolt of panic fueled your reflexive movement away from him, your legs kicking, book falling to the floor in your surprise.

You shot upright and fixed him with a glare, hoping to convey just how furious you were with him. "I swear to God-!"

The villainous grin on his face revealed vanity in its purest form, and it did nothing to reduce your resentment.

Scowling now, and forcing yourself into an upright position, you narrowed your eyes at him. "What do you want, asshole?"

He was quiet for a moment, by all appearances still savoring his triumph. But then his smile shifted, the self-satisfied smirk falling slowly into something softer, fonder.

It took you by surprise, sent a stutter through your pulse, all irritation rapidly transitioning into confusion. "What?"

He shifted forward, leg bending beneath him as he drew closer.

Suspicious, but not too concerned, you offered an unimpressed expression, relaying your distrust. "Gil?"

There was a flicker to his smile, but it was soon replaced by something far more serious, his eyes languidly studying your features.

Briefly, more a passing fancy, you considered teasing him for his sudden quiet, yet there was something too tremulous tormenting him, and you dismissed the thought as quickly as it came, instead offering your concern. “Teuton?”

Whatever spell that had held him within its grasp was finally dismissed, his head cocking to the side and a considering tone coating his next words. “You love me, right?”

It sounded innocent enough, and his behavior certainly suggested no ill-intent. But you knew him, and knew all-too-well not to fully believe in it. “Is that a trick question?”

You made sure to keep your words only just on the side of playful, but tempered with enough sincerity to assuage any possible self-doubts that may be afflicting him.

It was clearly the right approach, the left corner of his mouth only just hinting at a smile, a familiar spark almost tangible in the air. “It’s a simple question, Liebling. No need to sound so suspicious!”

You felt your eyes narrow as you studied him, his wording only heightening your wariness. “You know- The fact you feel you have to say so really isn’t winning you any points here.”

His grin was back at that, disorienting in its intensity, just enough that you nearly forgot his previous grimness. “I’m just asking if you love me, mein Schatz. ‘Snot like I’m asking you to sell me your immortal soul or something.”

You neglected to point out how those two things were near one and the same, instead choosing to offer a faux sincerity. “Oh no, you’re right. I hate you so much,” you quipped, each syllable oversaturated in sarcasm.

He scoffed, melodramatically pressing a hand to his chest. “I’m wounded.”

You rolled your eyes, leaning down just long enough to rescue your book from the floor, marking your page and setting beside you on the comforter. “I’m sure your pride will be just fine."

“I dunno…” His words trailed off, and you could make out the distinct, irritating sound of him sucking on his teeth. “I think it may be mortal this time.”

You decided to play along, content to lose yourself in the absurdity. “Oh no,” came your reply, emotionless a tone as you could muster, in spite of the smile playing on your lips. “How could I possibly live with myself?”

He hummed, running a finger over his chin as if he were seriously considering it. “You’d probably take my fortune, settle somewhere warm.”

You fought a laugh, unsuccessfully. “Mm, definitely. Have sordid affairs with all the cabana boys and the waitresses.”

“Sing drunken renditions of Mamma Mia during karaoke night.”

“And I’ll adopt some ugly, exotic pet that I insist travels with me everywhere.”

“Only after your third husband disappears after mysterious circumstances, of course.”

He was only half-serious, and you couldn’t resist raising an eyebrow in mock offense. “Only three?”

Your question made him snicker, his eyes shining in amusement, but he didn’t continue the exchange.

Several moments passed, and with them the lingering ridiculousness of the “argument” faded away. There were many of these odd backs-and-forths, all somehow sillier than the last. The quiet was just as pleasant though, and you embraced the comfort it carried.

That was, until, he was biting his lip in thought, his amusement long abandoned.

Concerned, you shifted closer, studying his features carefully. "Gil?"

His eyes were glued to some distant place you couldn’t see, miles and centuries away from the here and now. “You do love me, right?”

“Of course,” you replied almost reflexively, still taken aback by the sudden shift back to solemnity.

“Really?” His eyes turned to yours once more, unguarded, open, a haunting fragility shining in them that made your heart clench inside your chest.

Wherever this insecurity came from, you wished you could rid him of it, tear all traces of it from his psyche, make it so he would never question his self-worth ever again.

As it was, you did what you could, lifting his hand to your lips and pressing a soft kiss to his ring, meeting his gaze as you lingered against the silver. “Would you be wearing this if I didn’t?”

There was a smile, the one you fell in love with: fond, slightly shy, just a little cocky. “Good point.”

You couldn’t help but feel as if something was still off about him however, something bothering him that you couldn’t even hope to guess. “Why do you ask, anyway?”

He took to studying your features again, his free hand rising to trace his fingers softly against your cheek. His eyes were warm and gentle, posture completely at ease. His words however-

“Sometimes I can’t believe this is real, or how lucky I am; some days I swear you’re just a figment of my imagination.”

His words carried an almost unbearable amount of loneliness, layered among disbelief and adoration. They triggered several different emotions within you, stirring them into a frenzied muss of affection and sadness, leaving you breathless.

Several potential reactions came to mind, but were all dismissed as you weighed his words, compared them to the relaxation of his shoulders, the familiarity as he languidly brushed his fingertips behind your ear, lightly teasing your scalp.

You could easily surrender to it, could already feel your own posture relaxing with each steady shift of his fingers. Still, you weren’t quite ready to abandon your prior playfulness, offering a haughty hum to prelude your reply.

“Unfortunately for you, I’m very real.” You felt a passing smirk flicker to life for a moment, blazing brightly before it was gone again, sober sincerity settling once more in its place. “You’re stuck with me, Beilschmidt. Forever…” you finished in an elongated stage whisper.

He breathed a laugh, the slightest hiss, his grin irrepressible now. His tone, however, mimicked nonchalance. “Eh. There are worse things, I guess.”

The tease was impossible to ignore, especially as that all-too-familiar deviousness was taunting in its own right.

You tried to keep your words accusatory, but they came out entirely too fond. “You’re a dick.”

He smirked, offering a half-hearted shrug.

“Guilty,” he sang, almost entirely too proud.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, he was cradling both of your cheeks, and before you could guess at his next move, he was shifting forward, gently pressing a kiss to your forehead. “But I’m a dick who loves you very much.”

Thanks for reading!

#prussia x reader #readerfic #gilbert beilschmidt x reader #hello lovelies!#i'll add more tags later ugh #aph prussia #hws prussia #i hope y'all are well!#i've missed writing #i'm hoping i can get back to this one ancient artie request i received aeons ago #thanks for reading!#aph prussia x reader #hetalia prussia #hetalia prussia x reader #hws prussia x reader #gilbert beilschmidt

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nice-kill-tanaka · 3 years

Note

May I have a my hero and ohshc matchup plz

I'm a short girl around 5'2 with long brown hair and eyes and a leo. I like anime,dragons,reptiles,drawing but I'm not good,tarantulas,sweets,video games, memes,dark humor. I am very kind but I care more about others than I do myself. I have bad anxiety. I tend to overthink about everything. I love to sing especially country music but I am tone deaf. I have trouble standing up for myself because I was bullied alot. I can be very blunt. I also love to swear. I can be very loud. I love a good mystery and cop shows. I love dad jokes and puns.I am terrified of bees and heights. I am very lazy but I can be good at doing stuff if motivated. I have a very kind heart and sad stories or ones with very happy endings make my heart happy or hurt like crazy. But even though I'm kind that doesn't mean i am nice all the time. I am extremely grumpy and have a short temper especially on no sleep or if I just woke up. I also do have adhd and some anxiety I dont like being touched randomly unless I know it will happen or if I touch someone. As for dreams I'm not sure I wanna be a voice actor but not too sure if its right for me as I don't know how to edit or even have the equipment. I want someone who can just listen to me as I ramble on about things I love. I want someone to understand that I think differently then normal people. I also want someone to be able to understand im not the most affectionate person but I can be if given time but I will help someone if they are touch starved like I am.

[🌄 @cutelittleriot requested one (1) regular My Hero Academia matchup. I have just the ingredients for that! Sit tight while I get to work.🌌]

YAYYY!! First bnha matchup!! I gotchu bud 👍 I’m thinking about trying something new for the bnha fandom in particular. So, I’ll try it out and see what you think! Also, I got a little carried away with this one, so if it doesn’t seem characteristically accurate to you, please tell me!! 😖

And, the lucky person is:

⛰Eijiro Kirishima⛰

Quirk: Dragon

Dragon is a mutation quirk. It manifests slowly over time, until the user becomes about 60% dragon-esque at around 15/16 years old.

Scales and tough skin appear on the arms, legs, and face. Sharp teeth and claws grow in. Horns protrude from the forehead. A tail grows from the spine. Finally, wings grow from the back.

Flesh becomes twice as tough in places where scales are.

Depending on the user’s body type, wing usage is limited. (Since you’re generally shorter than average, “flying” and gliding comes easier to you.)

When the user consumes pressurized carbon dioxide, their stomach converts it into flammable gasses. Which allows the user to breathe- er...burp...fire.

Fire must be carefully used however. The smoke produced can accidentally be breathed in, causing lung damage.

🌱Humble Beginnings🌱

I’ll start by saying this: Being bullied is never fun. Being bullied over something you can’t easily control or change? Rub salt in it, why don’tcha?

You weren’t sure what the select few kids in your grade thought was so hilarious about your quirk. But, they managed to find enough wrong with it to do their damage for most of your time in school

First, the patches of scales that showed up on your skin were “too weak”. Then, your awkward transition stage with growing horns, wings, and tail was suddenly “ugly”

By the time your quirk fully manifested, the jeers finally devolved to “freak-ish”

Like a river carving out the Grand Canyon, the work was slow and wore you down over time. But, the impact was a lot bigger than even you’d initially thought

While you managed to somewhat heal and learned to guard your emotions against such hurtful things, that’s all you learned to do: Guard yourself. You were a shield with no spear, since you never fought back

With the help of supportive parents and teachers, your self-esteem wasn’t so low, but you did often downplay or underestimate your abilities

Like, Bitch??? You can burp fire??? Know your power???

The people you were on good terms with seemed to see a potential that you either disregarded, or didn't know about all together

They saw the way you treated others with consideration and forethought. How, despite (or because of) your anxiety, you remained hyper-aware of the problems of others and how to accommodate. And while your anger did have its vices, people knew how hot your righteous rage could burn

It actually took a lot of convincing for you to even apply to U.A.

Outside of your other aspirations for the future, you didn’t particularly feel worthy for the job. Of anything you could be, you weren’t a fearless, upstanding, unshakable individual, not even giving a second thought to throwing yourself into danger for the good of others. You weren’t your alleged definition of a hero, and that was enough to deter you

But, whenever you recited your polite (well-rehearsed) decline, most gave you the same weirdly optimistic retort:

“Just try, maybe you’ll do better than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

So, here you were at an entrance exam full of people you hardly knew, wondering how you even rationalized to yourself that this would go just fine

The written exam went okay. As well as you could for literally guessing what to study to pass

All you had to do was do your best on the physical exam, and you’d be done for the day

But, your issue was in the people around you, not the exam itself

You were aware of the high amount of attention the moment you walked onto campus. The way other kids measured you up from a distance, studying everything about your not-so-human body. Watching your every move, especially the way your movements were strained from soreness (A short period of intense training tends to do that to you). You assumed they also wanted to see if your disposition was as powerful as your quirk suggested

((You specifically noticed a coltish, green-haired kid muttering to himself, questioning if your wings could actually support your body weight))

Even now, as the prospective heroes-in-training warmed up, you felt the stares burning into you

Half of you wanted to lift your eyes and rhetorically ask what the hell they were looking at, only feeling more annoyed as you snorted and returned to what you were doing. The other half wanted to fold into yourself until you disappeared (If only it were that easy)

But, you had enough (Roughly, one billion) worries on your mind to put confrontation on the list. Shaking off your anxious shivers as you lowered your head and continued with your “stretches” seemed so much easier

(A.k.a. Staring off into space as you held your limbs in awkward positions)

The time to begin the physical test was drawing near, and your self-doubt hadn’t eased up. Maybe this was a mistake. You didn’t belong here. Not when so many other students could fill the space you’re wasting so much better. Maybe if you slipped through the back now, you’d save yourself the disappointment of not living up to your own standards

“Hey, brown-haired girl! With the horns!”

You heard a gruff whisper from not to far behind you, from the left. You tensed for a moment, wondering what the voice could possibly want from you. But, the sight you saw was rather unexpected

The voice definitely matched the body, bulky and slightly rough looking, a little taller than you. Matched with a sweet face, sharp teeth, and bright, spiky, red hair. The smile he showed you instantly calmed your thoughts

“…Hm?”

You gave a short response, not wanting to jump to conclusions yet

“I saw you looking kinda psyched out over here, so I thought talking to you would make you less nervous!”

You felt a warm and fuzzy sensation in the pit of your stomach. As much encouragement as you got to achieve things, you didn’t see much of it to consider how you felt. How you could feel better. You liked it, which was surprising, considering the encouragement came from a perfect stranger

“Oh, uhh…thanks then. But, I’m fine, I promise! I’m no more nervous than you are.”

“Well, that’s also why I came to talk…I’m kinda freaking out too…”

This boy’s transparency was almost scary, but on the other hand, very comforting. You didn’t catch him trying to stare at your mutated parts once as you talked. Your eyes were the thing he seemed the most focused on, and while it made you embarrassed, it was the good kind (if that makes sense)

But, soon enough, the announcement for the beginning of the exam came over the loudspeaker, and you and your acquaintance had to look out for yourselves. But, before you parted ways, the redhead turned to you

“I’m Eijiro Kirishima, by the way! See you when I see you, Shortie!”

🌳Flourishing Love🌳

The beginning of Kirishima seeing you as a romantic option happened not too long after parting ways at the physical exam

He was almost completely cornered by one of the machines students could disarm for points. And just as that was happening, you had just turned the corner after shaking off another one

You saw Kirishima, but he definitely didn’t see you, trying hard to look tough, but struggling to stand his ground

It quickly dawned on you that Kirishima didn’t have a quirk that could easily deal with the hostile device. And if he did, he was too scared to use it

You vetoed the idea of charging in head on first. You didn’t feel like getting yourself or Kirishima hurt. Especially without a plan. You needed to be smart about getting your only acquaintance out of this situation

Your heart raced and your execution was all but clean, but you ended up using your fire breath to weld the robot’s wheels to the concrete

Before you let your inhibitions get the better of you, you climbed the machine and punched out the camera on the front. From atop the beast, you hung your tail over the edge low enough for Kirishima to grab. You didn’t dare look down at the ground

“Dammit Eijiro, grab on!!”

Once you felt a weight on your tail, you used your wings to propel you both forward. Obviously, away from the robot

You were too high on adrenaline and fear to notice, but Kirishima stared at you like you were the embodiment of Heaven on Earth. The stars in his eyes almost seemed inappropriate for the situation 😅

You looked just as—if not more—afraid than he was. But, you seemed so okay with the fact that you weren’t fearless, and acted like a true hero anyway. He admired, dare I say loved that about you

And he didn’t even know your name

As soon as you found out that you and Kirishima were in the same class, you felt instant relief. At least you were familiar with someone at U.A.

You guys’ friendship developed rather fast, like and extrovert adopting an introvert

Kirishima quickly noticed how fast you opened up once you got comfortable around him, and loved you all the more for how bright and vibrant the unfiltered you was

He found himself picking up on your sense of humor, telling dad jokes you whisper under your breath to the Bakusquad (Much to Bakugou’s dismay 😅)

Don’t worry, he always gives you the credit 😉

As time went on, Kirishima learned to appreciate how blunt you were. He realized that he needed someone to tell it like it is (“It isn’t manly to sugarcoat things! 😤” he says)

And while Kirishima prefers physical activities over video games, he loves to hype you up while you play before classes

It was only natural a mutual crush would form :D

Kirishima finally worked up the guts to ask you out after the U.S.J. Incident

You and him had gotten separated (You had gotten trapped with the cold son of Endeavor. And you both took out the villains with an awe-inspiring display of fire and ice)

Kirishima was faced with the reality that either of you could lose each other at any moment. And while both of you came out alright, he realized he couldn’t be wishy-washy about his feelings for you

He told you on your way to school the next morning:

“Look. What happened yesterday really scared me. Normally, I wouldn’t say that, but I think you deserve to know. Because…you mean a lot to me!! More than I can put into words. I love when we have fun together, and I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I never got to tell you how I felt…”

“Basically…I like you!! Like…in the romantic way…”

Your early morning grumpiness dissipated almost instantly, replaced by momentary confusion and disbelief, then embarrassment and joy. Was this really happening…? The boy that took a chance on you since the beginning, confessed that he had feelings for you…? Even though you didn’t question your relationship, you always assumed the nice things Kirishima said, the way he looked at you, was all part of the pleasantries. You questioned if you were even worth all of that

‘But you are.’ The little voice Kirishima helped you develop said. ‘And he would say more if he didn’t look so embarrassed.’

And so, you accepted Kirishima’s confession. And he saw the sweetest smile you had ever given him since the first time he complimented your puns 😊❤️

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

[🌌 There you go bud! That’s one matchup for the road. Hopefully it lasts for a while, but if it doesn’t, feel free to come back! I’d be thrilled to see you again.🌄] —Reagan

#caravan commodities #special bindles #matchup #cutelittleriot.traveler #cutelittleriot.request #mha x reader #bnha x reader #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero academia x reader #mha matchup #bnha matchup #back on the grind #😊#my other choices would’ve been Mirio or Sero

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nothorses · 3 years

Note

Uh I don't really know where else to go for this and I know you answer asks like this a lot and you be always got something good to say so maybe you can help me? I'm trying to sort through lots of feelings on my own since I can't get a gender therapist (my mother actually recommend medicalized conversion therapy instead when I tried to come out to her so, so much for her loving her kids no matter what, right? I hope she comes around but I'm not in a position to apply force to our relationship right now)

And although I'm not like 100% male and I'm more close to enby (but with he/him pronouns) it's still an odd concept to know that people will view me one way based on exactly how I present and I'm not allowed to talk about it without it being "whining" or nonsense complaining... Because if I'm a man, or closely enough one to be precieved as one, then what right do I have to complain? I'm sure you've seen the type of conversations

I can do a lot of things now that I can't do if I'm precieved as male? Like for example women can go to the park and eat lunch and nobody bats an eye but if I a guy does it it's weird because there's kids around, ya know? It's this weird double edge sword that if I decide to go on T I'm both gaining and losing privilege and people won't take that into consideration, because people are still hung up on viewing oppression like Pokemon stats

Also I don't necessarily hate men or think men are evil or anything, but I know other people do that and other people are scared of men- and like I get it if I see some weird dude loitering around I'm locking the car too, but I don't want to be the reason a woman has to cross the street? Or the reason someone has to worry about going home late?

And don't get me wrong, I know I'm a good person, but I know as well other people don't know that... I know what checking over your shoulder on a walk is like, and I don't want to have to be the reason someone does that?

So it leaves me feeling like not only is there so much to learn, but also people are just going to hate me for who I am going to become if I go through medical transition? Like I get it, not everyone is going to like me, but I don't want people to be afraid of me?

But also if I do go on T I have absolutely 0 basis for what I might look like or how it will change me and that's a scary aspect as well, because I can think of a lot of guys I'd be happy to look like or whatever but I can think of a lot more I would be unhappy to look like and you can't pick and choose genetic reactions.. And I know the idea is all about becoming more "you" rather than the perfect version of yourself you wish you could be, but it's still the point... Is it better to live with the familiar hurt of this body and my dislikes? Or should I try essentially a new one and run the risk of hating it more in some ways?

There's like 2 central ideas here, and the one idea has a lot of little ideas coming off of it, but I know at least the first issue I presented you'll understand... The second one is a little more up in the air since appearance is such a personal thing, but I think it's not an unheard of concept... So hopefully all of that makes sense and maybe you've got some decent advice or can just help me make a little more sense to myself?

Oh boy, you’re so valid. A lot of this is very familiar, and I know you’re not alone in it at all.

I’m gonna try to organize some points here, cause I think you brought up a lot of things.

“I don’t know if I want to be perceived as a man, cause enby”

You’re right that folks are likely going to see you as a man after a certain point. It’s hard to find a middle ground where you ping as neither to the average cis person, and it’s hard to control that enough for it to be consistent.

My advice, honestly, is to make choices more based on your comfort than the highly subjective and ever-shifting concept of “passing”. I know it sucks to be perceived as something you aren’t, but your wants are probably the best starting point in the decision-making process.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to do the things I can do now if I’m perceived as a man”

This is true of transitioning in general, tbh! You will also likely be able to do things you couldn’t do before; I know folks have talked about feeling safer walking around at night, and being listened to more often by other men, once they begin to pass as men.

I also struggle with this, as a future teacher; the treatment of men in childcare is very, very different, and very stigmatized compared to female counterparts. But that, to me, is worth it. I’m willing to deal with the problems other people place on me, if it means I get to finally feel at home in my own body.

“I’m afraid of causing women distress by existing near them as a man”

Look, this is frankly just not your responsibility. Looking like a man is not an act of misogyny. Looking like a man does not make you “the reason” women do or feel anything. Those reactions are their own, and you are not responsible for mitigating them- particularly if that mitigation involves you, a trans person, forgoing transition for other people’s comfort.

You are responsible for trying to be a good person, making good decisions, and for not being misogynistic. Not the assumptions women make about you based on your appearance.

“I’m afraid I might not like how I look after I transition”

I know I agonized a lot over this, certain that I would ultimately dislike how I looked if it wasn’t up to a certain standard. I imagined my post-transition self as a stranger; someone I’d have to meet and grow to accept as myself. Even scarier was that I couldn’t opt out if I didn’t like the stranger- I’d be stuck with him forever after I made that one big decision.

But... it’s not really like that, in practice. I’m me, every single step of the way, and I have only ever felt more and more like myself as I go through this process. I feel like pre-transition me was the stranger, and the person I’m becoming now is more familiar to me than anyone I’ve ever been before.

I know that’s not an easy thing to understand or relate to from a pre-transition standpoint, but what I want you to understand is this: if you’re making this decision for the right reasons, you’re gonna be okay. If you’re pursuing your own happiness, comfort in your body, the person you want to be and the life you want to live, you’re gonna be okay.

And if you realize it was a mistake, at some point, you can undo that decision again. It’s fluid; you’re not gonna be trapped in one body forever. Transition is about agency. Trust yourself now to know what you want, and trust your future self to keep knowing what you want.

#long post #trans #SORRY THIS IS SO LONG #but the ask was already v long so I figured... like... fuck it #right?#anyway I hope this is helpful!! and thank you anon for compliments youre so sweet #Anonymous

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lady-delamort · 3 years

Text

Red Hood and Komand'r/Blackfire

It has been more than confirmed for a while, since the main antagonists of the third season were announced, which will feature two powerful plots, the first half belonging to Red Hood and the second half to Blackfire.

But what does this really mean?

Join me in raving and theorizing a bit about the path that season three is apparently taking with the information we have so far.

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

R E D H O O D

First part of the season

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

The Titans have established themselves as a team after defeating Cadmus and saying goodbye to their beloved Donna. The darkness and guilt regarding the Tower's first attempt, Jerico's misfortune, Garth's death, and Deathstroke's ghost have left the tower, and its leader Dick is finally someone else: Nightwing, a new hero...

What else?

Old Titans like Dove and Hawk haven't worked on a simultaneous team in a long time, Kory has lost her powers, Gar is about to experience a transition of his own powers, Rachel is gone, and there are two new Titans (three if we count Joey inside Rose xD👌🏻✨). It still takes a lot of work to be a true team.

My theory is that this stage of Arkham Asylum, Scarecrow and Red Hood will have a resemblance impact on our Titans. Not only facing the old Robin as friend and former Titan, but also, how now they would begin to synchronize with each other as the team they should be, how to cope with a new, more accessible Dick and how they themselves will feel comfortable with each other.

Yes, at the end of the season we saw them all united by the pain of losing Donna, but when that has happened and they really have a goal to stop, just worrying about others is not enough, they are all going to have to be in a line similar to combat.

And all this in the city of darkness, Gotham.

I am one of those who is most excited about Blackfire and all the crazy party that it will bring, but it is more than clear that we have to put our heroes and their team to the test before the real bomb that hits them from where they least expect it, falls . And who better to test their ties and wills than Red Hood himself?

Although not everything seems to be a battle with our former Robin.

This image of Jason was posted by one of the Titans producers. What do we notice in this image? Pain, almost fear.

It is unknown if Jason will die and revive this season, either way he is obviously in trouble.

The last time Jason showed up, he no longer wanted to know anything about the Titans and less about Batman, so to think that he went his own way without asking for help from either of them and doing dangerous jobs as impulsive as him, is not so crazy.

So it was only a matter of time before he got into trouble.

I imagine him calling Dick and abruptly cutting off the call, our boy, scared by his partner, decides to trace the call and locate it somewhere in Gotham. So, all together, they decide to go there.

Taking advantage of the fact that Bruce intervenes at this stage to try to be a neutral point in all the team's disgrace (such as at the end of the old season) and Barbara putting them tense, letting them know that they are actually a threat more than a team. And so Bruce and Barbara go into a shot and loose between the morale of the Titans.

And to top it off, Arkham Asylum with the Scarecrow making Jason suffer to the point of turning him Red Hood.

I find it a bit difficult to see him as a real antagonist to Red Hood in the season when there are other problems crowding out there, but I suppose this first half of the season will end with a great team battle against the scarecrow, along with Red Hood (maybe); and when everything has calmed down, the Titans want Jason to come back, and he would take a different path again; without being able to save him from the violent and bloody path he chose.

A victory on the one hand and a defeat on the other.

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

B L A C K F I R E / K O M A N D ‘ R

Second part of the season

▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂

Our team ties were not put to the test enough, but there is certainly greater trust, greater affection, and greater camaraderie between them, as the official loss of Jason (and perhaps good news from Rachel and Donna, who knows) pushes the team to decide to return to their Tower, feeling more like a family than a group of misfits.

Especially Kory, who had felt so lost and alone at the end of season two.

Perhaps more Tamaraneans will begin to arrive, perhaps greater signs of Blackfire will appear, perhaps, several strange objects will even begin to appear that Kory knows perfectly well could be ships or weapons of her people. Whatever the reason, Kory will realize that Blackfire is closer.

Then she starts to walk away.

Because Kory has come to feel too good in the team to put them at risk with a problem of their own, especially now everyone is beginning to return to their own path, their destiny.

Will we see the team wanting to get closer to Kory? Dick trying to get into a very serious conversation with her? Gar, Dick, and Rachel getting in Blackfire's way to protect their precious friend?

I see it very likely.

Blackfire not only comes to pressure Kory to maximize her powers, to face her destiny and her past, to put her life at risk. Blackfire comes to shake all the Titans equally. Leading everyone's lives in danger and questioning their fate.

Being a hero, a vigilante ... is that what everyone really wants?

The threat of Blackfire will be something different than what everyone has experienced before, and with Kory walking away from them (one of the mainstays of the team), things are going to get very, very interesting.

Perhaps at the end of the season we will see the descent of Hank or Dawn as titans, already on better terms than before, because now they are not fleeing from something, but deciding a different fate than the vigilantes.

To all the Titans who find the true meaning of being a Titan. And accept it with all the horrors to come, knowing that you can overcome it, because you are together. And that makes them invincible.

I'm too excited for this season, I am NOT going to allow myself to think about how they could ruin it or how I could be disappointed and hope for the best, always the best for my favorite team of heroes. They deserve it. 💙

B O N U S

Does anyone have a theory or comment regarding how the Rachel and Donna subplot will play out this season? I feel that we have encompassed ourselves in the two big Arches and not in this small plot.

I feel that, as everything is going, they are going to dedicate a single chapter to them and I don't know what to think about it 😂💔. I feel like it's something very important but I can't think of a way to get excited about it when we have Red Hood and Komandr around the corner.

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void-galaxy-shenanigans · 3 years

Text

IDK if anyone else relates but I just wanna share it somewhere & I've gotten the least hate on Tumblr so....

((gender questioning journey share, here we go! & as always, hate will be blocked & deleted - I respect you're a human person but I don't give you authority over my identity & journey to experiencing the happiest life I can.))

I'm at the point in my journey with gender where I can comfortably say “eh, I dunno what I am but I'm not a girl”.

I started off desperate for a label. I wanted to name it, understand it, see my experience in words. I wanted to say I was genderfluid, then nonbinary, then a transman, then....

I’m masculine and agender. That's all I know. ¿Demiboy? Maybe. ¿Bigender? Maybe. ¿Nonbinary? Definitely.

¿Do I feel masculine? Yea, sort of. I’m a man—my own perception of one, for sure.

¿Do I feel like a genderless void entity floating timelessly in existence, somehow existing inside this weird lil meatsuit powered by an electrified muscle that sort of holds my soul with shapes I don't like that can't capture the endless void that is me? Also yes.

¿Do I have a *set* label for it? No. But I'm okay with that.

I’m me. I’m nonbinary. My pronouns are he/him and they/them, & honestly some other pronouns (xey/xem, fae/faer) kinda make me feel good too.

The only thing I know for sure about my gender is that my feminine energy does not align with what I feel to be woman/girl identity (what I feel in my soul to be woman vs feminine - it's more of a, feminine is not woman, there are masc women & feminine men & androgynous people that mix both, I don't feel woman or girl in my soul but I do feel something feminine & nurturing and creative).

Feminine is a bendy loopy energy that just is, and everyone has a little of it. But woman doesn’t align with me. She/her does not align with me. Honestly I dissociate/depersonalize every single time someone calls me ma’am or refers to me as she/her.

And I’m okay with that.

¿Why is this a big deal?

....I questioned if I was truly cis when I was six years old, fifteen, seventeen, & went ‘nah I love the power swoosh & twirly of dresses & people tell me I'm feminine so I can't be anything but Girl™, Woman™, She/Her™’. I was one of the people who noticed it young & put it off as a problem for another day.

So when I allowed myself to genuinely question, to experiment, to feel gender euphoria....

I was nineteen, going on twenty.

I am now turning twenty-two in less than a month (Nov 19). And it has taken this long to know who I am & be ready for HRT.

I was 19 when I said ‘okay, maybe I need to actually work through this’. I got a therapist and talked about my feelings and presentation and...and she diagnosed gender dysphoria with confidence. And I knew I was right all along. But ¿what, then, was I?

((note - that's not to say everyone needs a diagnosis, or that dysphoria is the only way to know. I was insecure needing validation to really deeply question. A diagnosis set my questioning free. There are other ways to know too 💖.))

I wanted a set label. I wanted something I could throw out to the world, I am me, this is me, please send someone who will accept me.

It took three years to get here.

Three years. And now I feel comfortable saying ‘I don't know the right label, nonbinary is a fuzzy category and I know my perception of gender is affected by my ADHD & autism, but I am comfortable just being me.’

I’m finally here.

It’s self tolerance at the least, but it feels more like self acceptance and self love, or the beginning steps of it.

And I’m so proud.

So for anyone else who felt like I did...

You don't need a label. They probably won't get it anyway.

Be you. Take up space, make that space your own. Present how you want, transition the way you want, command respect, and learn to put your foot down when people don’t “respect” your pronouns & fuzzy identity.

You are already good enough. You are already strong enough, and soft enough. You may not be in a safe place to figure it all out yet, but you’ll get here too.

I am nonbinary. I want he/they.

& the people who love me & respect me won’t demand me to change. I can have grace & acceptance for the time it takes them to learn, & still not tolerate demands for change or simplicity.

I am allowed to have feminine energy without being a girl. I am allowed to have masculine energy without being completely a man. I am allowed to be nonbinary. And so are you.

I am allowed to unbecome what I was forced to be, and become who I wanted to be from the start. You can unbecome who they forced you to be and build a new you too.

So wherever you may be in your self love journey, healing journey, self acceptance journey, & nonbinary journey, know that I see you and you are already valid enough even if they don't see you yet.

And (as a multiplicity system) we’ve finally found a name for the body that we can all agree on too: Stardust.

Let us reintroduce ourselves to the world now that we've gotten this far: We are Stardust (the Void Galaxy is absolutely still acceptable, we love our system name), & our pronouns are he/they. We are transmasc nonbinary.

~Stardust (AKA the Void Galaxy), he/they

#nonbinary #enby #trans #transgender #f2x #f2m #questioning #gender #gender questioning #journey #healing journey #self love journey #self acceptance journey #demiboy #bigender #transmasc

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blueeyedheizer · 3 years

Text

All Over Again - Matt (part 4 - the end)

WARNINGS: amnesia, implied sex, super soft overall <3

A/N: it's finally here, the last part to this short story!! I really like this part although I had a bit of a hard time finishing it. It's a bit cliché but i'm happy with it. Also, thank you so much to everyone who still reads my Matt fics, I appreciate you guys so much <3 (PS: I know the transition from part 3 to part 4 is really sudden...I hope the timejump isn't too disappointing) Anyway, enough talking. Enjoy xx

•••

After two months, you are finally released from the hospital.

You weren't surprised to find out that you shared an apartment with Matt, and at this point you didn't mind at all. You felt comfortable around him and despite not remembering your old life with him, you were starting to feel strongly for him. He had been there for you since day one, he never gave up on you even though you still couldn't remember anything about him. You never thought it was possible for someone to ever love you this way but there he was, doing absolutely everything in his power to help you get through this, even when he knew things might never be the same again.

Matt opened the door and you walked in closely behind him, taking a look at your surroundings. The house was quite messy, but you couldn't blame him. His mind had been all over the place these past weeks and he had spent most of his time with you. Tidying around was really not his prioritiy.

Everything around you looked familiar. Somehow, you still remembered where most things were situated, and you had no trouble in finding each room, including yours and Matt's shared bedroom. And yet you had no real memory attached to it. You couldn't associate anything with it. You knew it was there, but the room itself was just like the rest; a blur.

---

Your first week home was mostly focused on resting. You were dying to go out and do something other than sit on a couch and watch TV but the doctor had said it would be better if you spent a few days home to let your bruises heal properly before envisaging going back to your normal everyday life. Matt was just as supporting as he was before, cancelling his plans to stay with you, hoping that you would remember something, just a fragment of your old life with him. But that was a long process, and even though you two were basically back to being a couple it was different. You loved him, but it was different. You loved the boy who visited you everyday at the hospital, not the boy that you had met at a gig almost a year ago now.

In order to train your brain, the doctor had recommended to regularly go through familiar things such as photos, videos and possessions. Considering the fact that you and Matt had a common passion for music and cinema, you decided to focus on this.

You were cuddled up against him, a blanket covering the both of you as the end credits of your favorite movie rolled on the screen.

"Why didn't you tell me he was going to die?" you sniffled, wiping a tear from your cheek while chuckling.

"Didn't want to ruin the experience"

"Well that would've spared me a heartbreak." you pouted. Matt chuckled, pressed a kiss to your forehead then stood to turn off the TV before settling back next to you, allowing you to cuddle up against him. A comfortable silence fell upon you both as he intertwined his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand every so often and running his thumb over your skin.

A few more minutes passed by and you glanced at the clock, sighing softly.

"I should probably get some sleep." you announced. Matt kissed the top of your head and you reluctantly pulled away from the warmth of his body.

"I still need to work on some things, I'll join you later."

"Alright."

"Good night, love"

"Good night." you smiled and pecked his cheek before making your way to your shared bedroom. You quickly changed into your night clothes and brushed your teeth before slipping under the covers.

You tried to close your eyes but your mind was racing with thoughts about everything and nothing. You just kept moving around on the bed, changing your position every two minutes, unable to find your usual comfort. You sighed heavily and rolled onto your back, hands crossed over your chest. However a small smile tugged on your lips when you heard the quiet sound of Matt's guitar as he worked on his song. It probably would have lulled you to sleep if your brain cooperated with your desire to sleep.

You spent another fifteen minutes or so just laying wide awake on your bed, waiting for sleep to eventually come. A few more minutes go by and you hear footsteps approaching before seeing the door open, Matt walking in seconds later.

"You're still awake?" he asked and you hummed in response.

"I can't sleep."

"I'm sorry, was it the guitar? I tried to be as quiet as I could—"

"No, it wasn't the guitar. I actually enjoyed it." you chuckled. "It's just me. I have a lot on my mind."

Matt stripped down to his underwear, put on a random shirt then slipped under the sheets, taking his spot next to you. He propped himself up on his arm so he could look at you.

"What's on your mind, love?" he wondered. You shrugged, looking down at your hand as your fingers drew small patterns on the sheets. Your face dropped a little bit.

"Everything." Matt brushed a strand of hair off your face as you spoke, tucking it behind your ear.

"Tell me everything then."

You stayed silent for a moment, knowing that the conversation you were about to start wasn't something easy to talk about on both sides. A few more seconds go by and you finally ask the question you were dying to know the answer of.

"Matt...— what were we arguing about?"

You didn’t miss the way his entire body froze at your words. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, detaching his gaze from yours. Then he shifted and sat back against the headboard of the bed, causing you to sit up as well.

With a heavy heart, he began to explain what happened. How it all started, how he snapped at you when you were just being rightfully worried about not having any news of him over two hours after he was supposed to be home. He was hardly holding back tears by the end of his explanation, and so were you. You couldn't help but feel a sting in your heart at the thought of him raising his voice at you.

"I'm not mad at you." you assured him in a small voice, seeing guilt written all over his face.

"You would be if you remembered. I almost got you killed."

"Don't say that."

"But it's the truth Y/N! If I had just kept my mouth shut and dealt with my anger alone then nothing of this would've happened. You wouldn't have had this accident and you wouldn't have lost your memory. I did this to you."

"And I could've just locked myself in our room instead of going for a drive in the middle of the night." you argued. "You're not responsible for any of this, Matt."

He didn't say anything after that, he just kept his head lowered and shook his head. You could see tears begin to fall down his cheeks. Pulling yourself closer to him, you placed your hand on his face, wanting him to look at you.

"Matt." when he still refused to look at you, you climbed over him so you could straddle his lap. "Matt, look at me." your hand came underneath his chin and brought his face up to meet your eyes. You moved your hand to cup his cheek, gently wiping away some tears while one escaped the corner of your eye. "This is not your fault." you whispered, leaning in to press your forehead against his, your hands moving to the back of his neck and gently scratching. "Okay? This is not your fault."

You stayed like this for a moment then you kissed him, pouring all your emotions into the kiss. Your hands found their way to his head, threading your fingers through his hair as your whimpered softly, pulling him closer as the kiss deepened, both your breathing gradually growing heavier.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he murmured against your lips after pulling away, understanding your intentions. Your thumb brushed softly over his bottom lip as you nodded, still slightly panting for air.

"Have we ever...?" you said and he nodded. You answered with a barely audible 'okay' before pressing your lips back against his. But this time he didn't kiss back.

"Y/N..."

"Do you not want to do it?" you asked as you pulled away, sounding disappointed.

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"I- I don't know, shouldn't we wait until you get your memory back? Are you actually ready for this?" he spoke hesitantly, and your face softened at his words.

"I don't want to wait for something that might not happen anytime soon." you said softly, brushing a strand of hair off his forehead. "And yes, I am ready."

He looked down sadly, his thumbs stroking your hips gently. Your forehead was resting against his as another tear rolled down your cheek.

"I love you..." you murmured, trying to fight back more of them. "Please don't give up on me now." that seemed to have startled him as he looked up at you almost immediately before cradling your head between his hands.

"I won't. I promise."

You nodded and closed the space between you, your lips meeting in a soft, passionate kiss. Your heartbeat was accelerating in your chest since this was new for you. It wasn't for the old version of yourself, but the new one had never been in such an intimate situation with him. You broke the kiss to pull his shirt over his head, discarding it to the side. You did the the same with yours before cupping his cheeks and kissing him again.

His lips eventually started moving down to your neck, pressing a trail of kisses there as you leaned your head back, giving him more access. His hands started roaming over your lower back and you shyly began to grind your hips, moaning softly.

---

"I love you too, you know." Matt said as you both laid on the bed, your head resting against his chest as his hand moved up and down your back soothingly. The silence of the room only highlighted how loud you had been moments before.

"I know." you smiled. Your hand travelled across his torso, absentmindedly caressing and drawing small patterns on his skin.

Tilting your head up a bit, you laid your eyes on a small framed picture of the two of you that was on his bedside table, one you hadn't seen yet. It looked quite recent. You propped yourself on your arm and reached for the picture, looking at it closely.

"That was the day I came back from London."

You turned to Matt, a genuine smile curving your lips.

"You've been to London?"

"Yeah." he smiled, his thumb caressing your shoulder. "One of our biggest gigs. 450 people, more or less. I'm not sure if they appreciated the music, but they were here." you both shared a quiet laugh and you shook your head, looking down at him before leaning in to kiss him softly.

"I'm sure they did."

You placed the picture back on the table and cuddled back against his chest, sighing in content. You quickly felt your body relax fully against his own, your breathing becoming even, steady, slow. With his fingers running through your hair soothingly you finally allowed sleep to take over, staying snuggled tightly against him.

---

The next morning you woke up to an empty bed and the smell of coffee. Rolling onto your back, you stretched your arms and smiled at the thought of last night's events, remembering how caring Matt had been the entire time.

You eventually rolled out of bed and got dressed, pulling on a shirt of his along with your jeans.

Then you decided to rummage a bit through your stuff to train your brain like you had been told to do. You started with the books that were on the shelves; you let your fingers run along their spines, reading their names. Then you looked through Matt's records before picking one and placing it on to play. The Sun Always Shines On T.V. began playing and you smiled when the chorus came on, the lyrics easily coming back to your mind.

You continued your exploration around the room and opened up a jewelry box, taking out a small star shaped earring. Your lips pressed into a thin line and you frowned as you searched your mind, feeling a déjà vu.

And that's when it happened.

***

"Is that...is that an earring ?"

"Huh?"

You smiled and cupped his cheek, tilting his head to the side to take a proper look at the small moon shaped jewel. Then you tilted his head to the other side, noticing another one with a different shape; a small golden star.

"I like the moon one better." you smirked, leaning in to peck his lips.

***

"Matt..." you breathed out. Your eyes widened and you called him louder this time, breathing and heartbeat accelerating as you started crying.

After two more almost desperate, sobbed out calls of his name, Matt came running into the room, a terrified look on his face.

"What is it? What's wrong?" he rushed to your side and cupped your face, forcing you to look at him. Your eyes were already puffy and red and your breathing was ragged as you cried, hot tears soaking your cheeks, heavy hiccups leaving the back of your throat. You didn't answer, instead you grabbed his face and crashed your lips against his, kissing him as deeply as you could.

Matt immediately understood what was going on and kissed back, his own eyes watering up quickly. You eventually had to pull away for air, your current state making it hard for you to breathe. You rested your forehead against his and played with his earring, unable to say anything.

You eventually let out a small laugh through your tears, smiling softly as you looked into his teary eyes. Then you kissed him again, pouring out all your love and gratitude into it as you held onto him, wanting this moment to last forever.

"I remember."

#blueeyeddean #matt

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