#i'm just so indecisive can someone tell me the best decisions

[doe-writes-stuff]

You'd left. Off to take care of a personal matter in the west. Alone. With no way of knowing how long you'd be gone, or even if you'd come back at all, you'd parted on...strained terms. Despite the odds against ever seeing you again, Daryl made sure to keep a light on for you.

Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS: Slight angst, reader is described to have a female relative (relation not specified). Strong language, 18+ explicit sexual content, mixture of rough sex and slow body worship. Set during first half of season 9, but doesn't follow strict canon timeline or events.

"I should come with you."

"Daryl...you can't." You'd said, regret and guilt dripping from each word forced out of your mouth but doing your best to remain firm. They stung, but you didn't take them back. Didn't try to sugarcoat it. This wasn't easy on you, and no matter how much he understood why, it still hurt to hear. Watching you with your bag already packed hurt worse. "Rick needs you, Judith and Carol, and everyone else. It should just be me."

His head had shaken slowly. "They'll manage just fine without me for awhile."

"This could all be some pointless goose chase, and I...I feel bad enough even deciding to go, like I'm abandoning all of you, but..." He can see it, the way your eyes shine with unshed tears and the determination behind them to not let them fall. You hated crying. He knew that. "I need to do this. I need to know. She might still be out there."

"Don't mean you gotta do it alone, Y/N."

"I can't ask that of you."

"Don't have to."

"Daryl-"

"I mean it." He pushes, tone a bit more pressing than before. He shifts closer, drawing your eyes towards his own. He reaches down and takes your hands in his own, thumb idly brushing along your knuckles in comfort. "Goin' out there by yourself ain't safe. Ain't smart, neither. Need someone to have your back. Can't do things alone no more, you know that."

You're silent, worrying your lip beneath your teeth. He can't quite read the expression in your face, in your eyes. Your thoughts are too muddled, swirling with indecision and a plethora of emotions all vying for dominance. Terse seconds pass, silence between you, but eventually you've seem to come to a decision. His heart settles a little, satisfied that he'd made his case. Your head ducks down momentarily, which he takes as acceptance.

Daryl nods. "I'll tell Rick in the mornin' that we're leaving, maybe see if I can pack some extra provisions from the pantry. Doubt it'll take much convincin'. I brought back half that shit anyway."

The only response he gets is a small, slow nod. But it's agreement enough for him, and he pulls you into his arms. It's instinct now to relax under his protective embrace, allowing your fears and your guilts to fall away, if only for a moment. They'd come back in full when you next awoke.

"Come sleep." He mutters against your hair, feeling the way his lips press a kiss onto the crown of your head. Your eyes close. "We'll figure it out in the morning."

Your fingers clench against the back of his shirt, head buried into his chest. He's warm, the beat of his heart a comforting sound. One you know you'll be without for a long while. You make sure to breathe in his scent, filling your senses and making your decision all the harder to enforce.

And so you don't resist when he guides you back to bed, and you savor the way his hands feel on your skin. Devotion and love spill from his lips and yours. And when you lay beside him, listening to his even breathing as he falls asleep amongst the tousled covers, you try burning this memory into your head forever.

'Don't come looking for me.' 'I hope you can understand. I hope you can forgive me.' 'If it'd been Merle, wouldn't you feel the same?' 'I'm sorry. I will always love you, no matter what, no matter how long. Even if...I don't make it.'

Daryl stares down at the messily-scrawled note folded on his nightstand. He'd read at least 3 times by now, but had barely paid attention to the past few, the words blurring together. Noting the dried tear-stains on the edges, he feels a hollowness creep into his chest. It's as you say in your letter. Had it been Merle, all those years ago back at the prison, he'd have done the same.

He understands. He wished he didn't.

It would make it all easier to hate you. But he can't bring himself to.

The beginning days are the hardest. Your absence is a blatant, empty spot in his daily routine. He'd turn to say something to you, only for you to not be there. He'd stop by the house after hunts and scavenge missions to see you, only to remember the lights would be off and you'd not be home.

Each instance of forgetting, just for a split second, that you'd left sticks another proverbial knife in his chest and twists. They bring back the moment of discovering you'd left him behind all over again. It stung. It twisted the hilt a little bit more, digs the blade in a little deeper. It fucking sucked, each and every time.

Daryl had an excellent poker face, but even the others were beginning to notice how much it was affecting him. It was a lesson in patience, the amount of times he'd been asked if he was alright in those first few weeks after you'd left. Most of them he'd been able to field off with a gruff 'Just fine.' Others saw past the facade.

Rick had a good sense of things, and he knew Daryl well enough by now that his words often didn't tell the whole story when it came to those pesky internal 'feelings.' He'd asked him along on more scavenge runs, just to get him out of Alexandria. But of course, not one to pry too much into Daryl's business, he didn't ask the questions the hunter knew was hanging off the tip of his tongue.

Carol was one of them too, unsurprisingly. Half the time he thought she could read his mind. She made trips to Alexandria more often, popping over with pretty weak reasons for visiting from the Kingdom. She hovered, appearing at the most unpredictable of times. It didn't take a genius to know why. When Daryl least expected her, she'd be there with an offer to go hunt together. To go take care of Judith so Michonne and Rick could get out for awhile and spend some time beyond the walls.

It helped. He appreciated that Rick and Carol never pried. Rather, they were just...there. A companion to fill the long silences he found himself left with during the day. A distraction when he needed it most, since even solo outings past the walls were often filled with thoughts of you. Having someone else there eased the hurt, and muffled the many negative thoughts that clouded his mind in his moments of solitude.

Weeks stretched, and you were still gone. No means of communication meant Daryl was left to wonder about what you were doing, where you were, and if you were still even alive at all. It didn't get easier with time, the ache in his chest, the missing piece in his life. It just became familiar, and so he worked around it. Sidestepping it each and every morning until it was a constant numbness he had trained himself to ignore.

It was frightening, how easy it seemed to be. How easily he could seem to live without you around. Once upon a time, that didn't sound so feasible.

He felt guilty. He felt bitter.

He hoped you were doing ok.

Daryl didn't talk about you anymore. Not to others. And nowadays, Judith only occasionally brought up your name, asking where Aunt Y/N was, and when you'd be home. He was usually able to dodge an answer by offering to play a game.

There'd come a day when he couldn't get away with doing that, but...well, the time for that hadn't yet passed.

At some point, he'd quit counting the days. That didn't mean Daryl stopped missing you--he certainly still did. But the endless pull towards someone out there past the gates, miles and miles away, wasn't quite so strong. Whether it was a sign of him moving on, or just growing to accept the fact that you'd left...he still couldn't tell.

He didn't want to look into it all that much anyway.

Daryl hadn't heard anyone approaching as he stood smoking on the porch of his home. The wind was strong, and the neighbor's makeshift wind chimes had covered the sound.

"Borrow a smoke?"

His head whips back to see Rosita sauntering her way up to his home, arms crossed and hair tied back in a pony tail. He straightens, reaching up to the inside pocket of his vest to grab the pack of cigarettes as she stops a few feet away. Shaking one out, he hands it to her. After a flick of his lighter, the end begins to smoke and she takes a long drag.

"Thanks."

Daryl only hums in reply, standing there on this windy night, looking out towards the gated and walled entrance of Alexandria.

For several minutes, neither of them speak, enjoying their cigarette in companionable silence. Daryl wondered why Rosita was out so late, but figured maybe she just couldn't sleep.

Eventually, the minutes and lack of conversation gets to her, and she gives a quiet laugh, gesturing towards the door to Daryl's home. "You know you leave that lamp on every night in this front room?"

Daryl glances back, but only shakes his head. "I know."

"Drives Mrs. Beckett crazy." Rosita continues, flicking the ashes off of her cigarette, head nodding towards the house across from his. "Likes to bitch about how you're wasting electricity, or how she can't sleep because she knows it's on. It's like she can't talk about anything else."

"The grid can handle one fuckin' lamp." He mutters without further explanation, giving a shrug.

"I've told her that. So's Eugene, for what good that did." Rosita says with an amused smile, side-eyeing the hunter as she sucked down the last of her cigarette. She tosses it to the ground and digs it into the wood of the porch with her shoe. "Won't stop her from complaining about it, though."

He doesn't bother responding to that. Frankly, he didn't give a shit what Mrs. Beckett thought or wanted. He barely knew the old woman anyway.

"Why do you leave it on, anyway?"

This time, he doesn't say anything, just continues looking out towards the wall. He knows she's smart, that his silence speaks louder than any explanation would. Rosita figures it out quickly, and hums her understanding after a moment.

Another long pause settles, before she shifts in place and watches Daryl's closely when she speaks next. "I got talking with Eugene the other day."

Daryl had a feeling where this conversation was going--a place he didn't really want it to go--but obliged her clear bait anyway. "And?"

"Figured it was about 40 days to Cheyenne, on foot one way." She said carefully, not wanting to push too far, but hoping he still recognized she was worried about him. "35 if she pushed, and much less than that if she rigged a car."

Daryl knew what she was getting at, but still played dumb anyway. "So?"

Rosita saw right through him, but pointed out what they both knew despite that. "Daryl...it's been 6 months."

He straightened, agitation making him fidget, his jaw set tightly. "Don't mean a damn thing."

"Look, I'm all for holding out hope, but...at some point it's time to let go. How likely is it that she's still-"

"Think I'll turn in. Wind's gonna bring a storm tonight." He interrupted suddenly, not daring to look her in the face as he said his goodbye. "Best get headin' home."

He heard her sigh, and that tension in the air made it seem like she was about to say more. But in the end, she took the hint and descended the steps of his porch, footsteps heard walking down the sidewalk towards her own house.

For 8 months and 13 days, you'd been gone. And yet still, as you walked up that road towards the imposing walls of Alexandria, you felt like it was only yesterday that you'd snuck out the gates before the sun had come up.

The pack was heavy on your shoulders; not from supplies, but the weariness of a long journey. Of burdens and the weight of your decisions and actions. They settled, making your bones ache. But you felt lighter and lighter the closer you got to home.

Home. How you'd missed it so much.

And you'd missed him, too. Daryl had never left your mind. Not once.

Maybe the seasons had changed, but you recognized each abandoned car leading up to the Alexandria Safe Zone, even the particularly gnarled trees off to the side of the road. Little waypoints and landmarks that you'd memorized and passed by hundreds of times before. Now, each one seemed to propel your feet that little bit further, encouraging you to keep going.

Almost there.

And when those gates finally did come into view at the end of the road, you nearly cried. That feeling of relief as it washed over you was...immeasurable. Palpable and freeing. You couldn't begin to describe just how much it affected you.

There were, of course, look-outs at the gate for signs of approaching danger. And while you would've appreciated having been recognized after so many months away, you supposed that would have been too much to ask for.

"That's far enough!" The person on watch called, pointing a gun in your direction. From this distance, you couldn't tell who it might have been. "State your name and business!"

"My name's Y/N." You say, holding your hands out to make it clear you weren't holding onto a weapon. Your knife is clearly visible in its small sheath at your hip, but you weren't actively reaching for it. "I've been gone for a long time, but this is my home."

"Right." The person says with doubt clear in their tone. "As if I'd just believe you."

"I want to talk to Rick Grimes, then." You say calmly, smiling when the barrel of their gun lowered just a fraction. You felt a little silly having to name-drop some of the most influential members of the community, but whatever made them believe you, you supposed. "Or Daryl Dixon, or Michonne-"

"Alright, alright, hang on a second." They cried from the tower, lowering the gun and holding up a walkie talkie to their mouth. They spoke too low to hear, but you gathered they were calling into one of the three people you'd just mentioned.

You don't have to wait long, before a commotion on the other side of the gate alerts you to someone's approach. They call for the gate to open. Your heart soars, waiting to see a familiar face.

The metal gate slides open, and a man steps out cautiously. He's a bit rounder in the belly than you remembered--the benefits of safety in the end of days--and the full beard is new. But there's no mistaking the way he walks, and the way his eyes take you in when he steps past the gate's threshold.

A smile's broken out over your face as the two of you walk closer, until finally you embrace Rick with a tight hug, laughing at the reunion. If there was still any doubt that you were indeed a citizen of Alexandria, it was now dashed.

"About time you came home." He says in a rasp, patting his hand against your back in a comforting gesture. "It's been too long."

"I know. I'm sorry." You admit, guilt and regret coloring your voice. "I shouldn't have left."

You pull away, but Rick gets a good look at you and pats your shoulder with his hand. "You felt you had to. It's family. I understand."

You nod, on the verge of tears, but somehow managing to keep composed. "You're family too. Lost sight of that for a little while, I guess."

Rick waves you inside, giving a wave to the look-out at the on watch as a sign that everything was fine. You enter the walls for the first time in 8 months, admiring everything new and all that had stayed the same.

"How's Judith?" You ask.

"Growin' bigger every day. Can hardly believe she's already three." Rick smiles fondly, shaking his head. Then, he turns to look at you. "She asks for you, sometimes. Wonders where you've been."

The thought of seeing the youngest Grimes was appealing, though you were still weary from your travels. You probably didn't have the necessary energy to meet with her just yet.

"I'll see her once I've settled in." You promise, and Rick nods.

"It can wait 'til tomorrow. I'll let the others know you're back in the meantime."

Rick spends the next few minutes filling you in on all that you'd missed while on your trip. You're thankful to hear that most of it was minor little things. At least you hadn't missed another damn war, or anyone you loved dying. That would have been a lot to bear.

As you get closer to Daryl's home, Rick seems to remember something, and hesitates.

"Forgot to mention...Daryl's out on a hunt." He admits, no doubt crushing your hopes of reuniting with your partner that day. "Not sure when he'll be back, honestly, but I reckon he wouldn't mind if you were to stay in his home now that you're back. As I recall, you practically lived there anyway before you left."

Your laugh away the slight embarrassment at his observation, and the amusement is quite evident in his face. "Yeah, I guess that's true..."

"He'll be happy to see you." Rick states simply, stopping just outside Daryl's home as you approach.

"I hope so." You say, sudden doubt creeping in. You grimace a little, stopping at the stoop of the porch. "We didn't exactly...part on great terms. At least...I think so."

Rick reaches out and pats your shoulder again. "I won't lie, he took it hard. But I'm sure he'll make his peace with it, now that you're back. Love has a way of helping you sort things out."

And with that, he gives your shoulder a squeeze, before leaving you at the door to Daryl's home.

Something compels you to just take it all in. It was just like you remembered it being. A lamp stood lit behind the curtains in the front window. Strange...why leave the lights on when he wasn't home?

Stepping inside is a surreal mix of second nature and unknown territory. Daryl hadn't really changed anything in the interior; the couch and side tables and other trinkets around his home were exactly where you'd remembered them to be. But the atmosphere felt so...different. A little hollow.

Were you even still welcome here? You hoped so...

You deposit your pack next to the side table in the hallway, your usual spot for stuff after a run. Old habits, you thought to yourself. You'd put it back where it really went later on, but for now it would do. Your shoes went along with it, bare feet feeling blissfully unburdened without them on. Socked feet pad slowly throughout his home.

It's all just as you remembered, and your clothes are even still in the drawers in the bedroom. You figure that's a good sign, and change into something much more comfortable after a long-desired shower. The water is blissful on your skin, washing away the dirt of your traveling.

As you dry yourself and dress, you can't help but bury your nose in one of Daryl's shirts, reveling in the scent of safety and comfort. And while you may be missing the man himself, for now this would tide you over enough until his return.

With no pressing matters, and no clue as to what to even do now that you'd come home, you decide that a nap was much-needed. It may only be the afternoon, but the miles behind you were starting to make themselves known, lulling your eyelids heavier with fatigue.

You crash on the couch in a heap, falling asleep easier than you had in months.

Daryl didn't understand the knowing smile that Rick had given him upon returning to Alexandria late that night. Not to mention it was strange that Rick chose such a late hour to take watch. Not thinking much of it, he entered the gates and drove towards his home.

The rumble of his bike faded as he shut the engine off, popping the kickstand and standing from the bike. After a long two days of hunting with nothing to show for it, he was happy at the prospect of a nice, long sleep.

The house was dark, save for the light still on in the window, but he paid it no mind, closing the door and shrugging off his pack. He passed by the hallway side-table, setting it beside the other that was sitting by-

His steps halted, eyes swinging down to rivet themselves on something that was so incredibly familiar and yet so out of place. At first, it hadn't even registered that something was amiss. The sight of a pack here was so ingrained, that nothing had jumped out at him. But now...

He hadn't left that there. He didn't even own a backpack like that. But he recognized it all the same. And beside it...

Shoes.

A noise further into the house caught his attention. The spill of lights from the kitchen told him someone was there. He'd been certain to turn off all the lights before he'd left for his hunt.

And while a tiny sliver of his brain thought to suspect something malicious was going on--visitors didn't typically stop by at 2 in the morning--the hope that soared in his chest overpowered it.

It felt like the air was yanked from out of his lungs as he stopped just outside the kitchen entryway. There you stood, swaying back and forth to whatever music you were listening to in your headphones, the makings of a sandwich out before you. You faced away from him, unaware of his presence.

Daryl let out a stuttered breath as he ran a hand down his face, a swirl of different emotions welling in his chest. He was...pissed, actually. You'd left him behind all those months ago, lied to him to do it. All of the old anger bubbled and surfaced at the sight of you. He was hurt, wondering how you could have gone through with going off on your own, leaving your fellow survivors in your rearview.

At some point, he'd thought long and hard about exactly what he was going to say to you, should he get the chance. He'd known precisely all the bitter and spited words he'd want to throw into your face, telling you exactly what you'd put him through all this time.

He couldn't recall a damn single word of it now.

And despite how the wound had been ripped open seeing you in the flesh after all this time, despite the anger that raged and threatened to speak the venom that had once consumed him...he was too relieved to see you alive, safe, and in one piece to bother channeling that anger.

At the end of the day, you'd still come back. You'd come home. To him.

Instead, just below the relief of your return, rising steadily and with such intensity he hadn't anticipated, was a desire he hadn't felt for so long. How many nights had he lay awake, recalling memories of the softness of your body, the touch of your fingers on his skin? And now that he had you here...

His feet carry him forward before he can really think about what he was doing.

It's the movement in your peripheral vision that makes you look sharply up at him, startled but the sudden presence of someone else. You hadn't anticipated being interrupted during your midnight snack.

But he's here. He's there, getting closer by the second. You yank your headphones out, holding out a hand. You probably should have rehearsed what you'd say to him beforehand, to try easing the hurt and betrayal he must feel.

"Daryl, I'm sorry...I-"

You can't manage anything after that, given his lips smash to yours in a bruising and long-overdue kiss. Shock sets in for a single second, a mumbled grunt swallowed by his mouth, but then leaning into his embrace as his arms wrap around you, pulling you in, was instinctive. You fall into that familiar, safe feeling, wondering if perhaps this was always how your eventual reunion would have turned out. Daryl was always a man of action rather than words, anyway. The time for apologies could come later.

You can hardly breathe, locked in his arms, at his mercy. He kisses you like he never thought he'd ever get to again. And maybe for the longest time, that's exactly what he'd thought. A pang of guilt stabs you through the heart, realizing the sort of pain you'd caused him by leaving, but Daryl doesn't give you the chance to dwell on it, teeth slowly dragging back along your bottom lip and pulling a whine from your throat.

And, god, how desperate you sounded...it made him groan. That sound haunted him for weeks on end. How could you so easily rile him up like this? You leave for months, and all it takes is a pretty little noise to get his blood boiling with need. Fuck if he wasn't just as desperate for you, too...

He couldn't stop himself. Like a recovering addict caving, going back to his fix, his hands touch you any place he can reach, rough palms smoothing over your curves. The clothes in the way is annoying, confining. Part of him wants to yank and tear them away from you, but another side wants to try calming himself down, taking this first time together again slow. It had been so long, he didn't want to fuck up the first chance he could.

Your mind is a hazy fog of sudden lust, so much so you barely register the way he's reached down to lift you by your thighs and wrap you around his waist. His strength has you dizzy, drunk off of his scent and his warmth and the way his fingers dug into the skin on the back of your thighs. It made you tighten your legs around his waist, the sensation of him walking you somewhere else secondary to the way you did what little you could to grind yourself against the crotch of his jeans.

You wouldn't have been able to answer if later asked how you managed to get to the bedroom so quickly. One second you'd been in the kitchen, and the next you were being slammed onto the comforter by your back, Daryl's large and corded frame practically smothering you in the best way.

Your head tilting back with a pleased sigh, Daryl takes the opportunity to latch onto the exposed skin of your neck, intent to leave a mark. The thought of something permanent on you, from him--a sign of some sort that he couldn't put into words at the moment--felt important. And by the way you were moaning as he gave the flesh a rough suck, you seemed to agree.

One hand trails under and up his shirt, taking advantage of the closeness to explore the body you'd gone so long without once more. The familiar texture of scars in all the places you remembered. Muscles like gentle ridges under your fingers. They trail along his nipples, stroking in appreciation and pulling a surprised grunt from him, before frustration kicks in and you hastily tug the shirt up so he could take it off.

It's discarded somewhere behind you, and thus begins the frantic undressing of each other, heavy, panting breaths making it clear just how much neither of you were able to slow down now that you'd started. There'd never been a greater need to eliminate all barriers between you than now. As soon as his jeans and underwear are low enough to expose his hard length, your hand takes hold of it, giving him several loving pumps.

His curse is stuttered, wavering. Barely more than a huff of air released as the tension between you grows steadily. Daryl wastes no time in reaching for your wet cunt, two fingers plunging in without preamble. Your back arches up, wanting more. A keening noise escapes you, and hearing it just spurs him to start a fast and demanding pace as he fucks you with them.

The wet sounds they produce are obscene, but your head is nearly bursting with how damn good it all feels. You're a moaning mess, trying desperately to keep up with your own ministration of his cock, wrists working back and forth a little faster. His hips thrust into your hand instinctively, seeking more friction, a faster pace, something more. And while you know Daryl typically tries to keep quiet in the midst of sex, he just can't help the groans this time around.

Maneuvering your leg around his waist, you draw his hips closer to where you need him, lifting your own to brush your wetness against his hardened shaft, tantalizing and teasing. The time for foreplay was over, at least in your mind. Heart pounding a painful beat in your chest, you can't imagine waiting any further to feel him fill you entirely.

Daryl's fingers retreat from your wetness, and although their absence makes you groan, the press of his tip is more than enough to sate your once more.

Strangely, he doesn't immediately thrust in, rather pulling his head back enough to just...look at you. You look back, silent. One hand, still wet from your own arousal, trails delicately over your nakedness, over the curve of your hips and the sides of your breasts, as if reassuring himself that you were real. Or perhaps taking the opportunity to relish in having you underneath him once more. The jarring contrast to the frantic pace you'd both just been exhibiting has you blinking, struck silent.

But the moment is over almost as soon as it began, cut short by the jerking of Daryl's hips, sheathing himself fully to the hilt in one smooth motion. A mixture between a gasp and a whimper is jolted from your throat, the pleasure catching you entirely off guard. You barely have time to wrap both legs around his waist before he's setting a steady pace, his own ragged breath exhaled onto your shoulder.

He fucked you rough, sparing no time in reminding you of just how much pleasure you'd missed out on all these months. The familiar yet forgotten sensation of his cock stroking your inner walls had you crying out, overwhelmed, wanting more. Your nails dig into his skin, scratching and clawing when the pain only spurns him on faster.

You're mesmerized by the flexing of the muscles in his arms, hands planted on either side of your head on the comforter, fisting the fabric between his fingers as he pistons his cock deep inside of you. And when your eyes follow the arms up and peer into his face, his expression is a mixture of frustration and adoration the likes of which you had fantasized about during your many lonely nights.

Anger flowed like water behind his eyes, recognizable even now, but it never lasted long. Always overshadowed by such relief, such love, that you began to wonder if you'd ever seen it at all. Talking would come later. Right now, you both just needed him to fuck you until you couldn't stand up.

You weren't destined to last long. The time away meant that your orgasm built up much quicker than you would have hoped or expected. It just felt too good, having him atop you, inside of you, surrounding you this way. All you could see and breathe was Daryl, and that alone had your legs tensing around his hips in unspoken warning of your impending orgasm. With a responding groan, he understands, putting further effort into the snap of his hips, plunging even deeper than before.

When you cum, it's like white-hot frost crackling over your senses. Inch by inch, you feel yourself shudder, letting the peak of your pleasure overtake you until you're seeing black dots at the edge of your vision. Your limbs lock around Daryl like a vice, making it more difficult for him to move as you ride along the bliss. He grunts, unable to do much more than rut against you, chasing his own release in any way he can.

As the most of the orgasm passes, Daryl shifts and uses his hands to pry your legs apart, keeping them wide as he frantically thrusts, ragged breathing giving away just how close he was. You're a twitching heap beneath him, letting him seek that edge with your body, accepting the overstimulation in stride. When it nearly proves too much to bear anymore, he's stuttering a moan and slowing his hips down remarkably, chest heaving when he finally meets you over that crest.

Lazy thrusts work the both of you through your climaxes, and the rough and unrelenting pace that had been there just moments before slowed to a much more relaxed one. As Daryl caught his breath, he lowered his mouth to your skin, shaking hands caressing the sweaty skin he could reach, peppering kisses on your stomach and sternum.

You lack the breath to speak, and simply let all of your inner feelings shine through the gentle gaze you give him, tentatively reaching a hand up to glide your fingers through his hair. He always used to love when you did that, and it seemed that was still the case. His eyes closed in content at your touch, and he lowers his head to rest upon your chest.

Eventually, after dozens of minutes simply laying there, basking in the aftermath of your reunion, you summon the forethought to recognize you should probably clean up after your passionate fuck. The heat was slowly dying away, the house's draft that never seemed to go away chilling the sweat upon your skin. However, when you try to move, Daryl makes an effort to put a stop to it, leaning more heavily into you.

"Not yet" He mumbles gravely, not opening his eyes. You huff a breath, the corner of your mouth lifting in amusement.

"Daryl, we're all sticky and sweaty."

"Just...stay here." He says, eyes finally cracking open to peer into your own. And try as you might, you're at the mercy of the heartbreakingly pained gaze he directs at you. The vulnerability. The hurt. Months of uncertainty and guilt and anger stirred up into that one look, pleading for you to understand that he just needs you here. Right here, and nowhere else.

The amusement shifts into something gentler, and you give an affirmative nod, trailing one finger down his cheek. "Ok."

#daryl dixon #daryl Dixon x reader #fem reader #the walking dead x reader #twd #the walking dead #scenario #daryl Dixon smut

[multimystica]

Card of the Day!

So, I'm not great with editing/design or with running social media but this is honest work so let's go! Take a deep breath and pick a card. If you want a personal reading message me here, leave an ask, or message me on my ig @multimistica (beware of spelling, it's spelled like that because my ig page is in portuguese) This reading is much more intense than I intended it to be, it may help to mentalize what you need advice on today to narrow down the meaning of your chosen card from the descriptions I've made below so your reading can be more precise.

Card 1 - X of Swords

Defeat. Peak of despair. This is pretty much rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. You might suffer some sort of tragic event today in which you feel defeated, like a martyr, broken beyond repair, or something of the like. It's like when something goes wrong in the worst way it possibly could. The message of this card is it can no longer get any worse than that, pick yourself up and move on. Dwelling in that is no use, move on (as hard as it may be). The depiction of this card is quite graphic, for those unfamiliar with it, here it is:

So help yourself, remove the swords, tend to your wounds and move on. Biggest advice with this card is to move on cause it's literally the worst it can get. The worst that could happen did happen, so after this it can't get any worst at all, and that's what brings relief about it. If this is rock bottom, and you're there and still alive, things can no longer get any worse, and it is in that you must find your peace and fucking FINALLY start healing and moving up, after this defeat things can FINALLY start to get better, even if a small bit at time. You've survived the worst, now you live on to see the best start coming.

Card 2 - II of Pentacles

Multitasking. There may be a lot on your plate right now, as you're dealing with lots of things. It's the kind of day where you're in a rush with a long list of tasks to finish, you have to get things done and you wish the day extra hours to accomodate all of that workload. This is also true in a figurative way, you might be having to deal with lots of emotions all over the place. The depiction of this card is literally a juggler:

It's certainly hard to deal with such workload, so if one or two tasks go unfinished today, that's okay, just keep doing your best at it. If this card speaks to you in the emotional sense, dealing with ups and downs or with indecisiveness, the advice is to try and work through said emotions in a healthy way as they come and go. Be it work-wise or emotionally wise, the biggest advice of this card is to set your priorities and work through them in order from the most important to the least. This card may also refer to financial decisions, in this sense it is imperative you pay attention to how you're spending your money, make sure you don't spend more than you earn, if you're already doing so, then it can mean one of two things (or even both): Be careful on your financial decisions (if you're investing in something rn it means a high risk), that is the first thing. The second thing is you're going to have to work hard. Remember, hard work is highly rewarded.

Card 3 - VII of Swords

Doing what serves your own ends, often in unethical ways. This card can mean a fuckaton of different things depending on your life's context right now and in a collective reading like this it might be hard to tell in which sense it applies to you, but I'll do my best. First of all, are you being unethical, sneaky, or dodgy in any way? If so, the message is simple, stop being a bitch and go look for a ethical way to get what you're going for, seriously. Be conscientious, do no harm, if you're dead set on something by unethical means there is certainly a better, more ethical way to get it and you must find it. If you're about to do harm to someone seeking justice, don't, let divine justice take place instead. Take a good look at this card:

With that out of the way, if you're not doing any sketchy shit right now, then BEWARE.

If you're in a relationship - Beware of cheating, betrayal, mind games, a stab on the back, broken trust, going behind your back, that kind of stuff coming from your partner.

If you're in a bad friend group - Beware of being backstabbed, of negative gossip, people betraying your trust, taking things from you, going behind your back or fucking you over somehow.

In the work/academic context - Beware of people stealing your work, stealing your ideas, erasing your name from a paper and putting theirs in, plagiarizing you, backstabbing you via the HR, planning a coup, or anything.

IN ANY CASE - Beware of two-faced people. Keep your guard up, protect your secrets, don't let anyone fuck you over in any way, beat the enemy at their own game.

It's really hard to see any positive trait in this card, the whole damn card is a huge red-flag for unethical stuff, and the worst part of it is that in the case of this card the asshole at hand is usually able to get away with it. You must stay alert and be smart.

Other than the whole vitriol of warnings this card brings to stay alert to those surrounding you is, if you have to make an escape out of something, this is the right time to do so. It's the time to take a risk. It's the time to be resourceful, to plan out your strategies, to be self-reliant, and to beat your enemy at their own game, really.

#tarot reading #tarot #pick a card #spirituality #channeled message #card reading #card of the day #advice #please help #please reblog #intuition #spiritual #spiritual growth #lightworker #mysticism #oracle #oraculo #choose one #share #collective reading #rider waite smith #rider waite tarot #spirit messages #message from spirit #message from god #spellwork #tarot witch #witchcraft #witchblr #witches

[lemonhemlock]

Hi! Sorry for the new ask but brainrot consumed my brain and i needed your counsel.

So i was thinking about Otto marrying Alicent to Viserys and ,as you said once how Otto doesnt understand abuse and how him and Viserys are kind of similar .But then it kinda got me that they're also very different ,with Otto being more politically smart ,decisive and empathetic in some sick way towards people (the way he generally manipulates Alicent and the page thing with Rhaenyra,altho i think it was Alicents idea ).So ,for me ,someone like Otto cant really respect Viserys ,despite the fact that he wants his daughter to marry him .BUT ,in the deleted scene of him and Alicent discussing which crown Aegon would wear ,the fact that he seems displeased by her comments and her choice of crown made me rethink a lot of things.

All of this mess of thoughts is to ask ,do you think Otto respected Viserys? .I dont wanna paint Otto as a mustache twirling villain who gives no fucks about his daughter to the point of him marrying to a someone he doesnt respect ,but i dont really know .

Have a good day/night!

Welcome back, Red Roses, hope you had a great weekend!

I think Viserys does embody traits that Otto likes and that he does enjoy being around him. We are used to him being a walking zombie, but Viserys in episode 1 was a very personable and charismatic fellow, well-read, diplomatic and, honestly, rather fun. He can tell a story, crack a joke and seems to be the kind of person you could share a beer with. However, he doesn't neglect his duties and understands that being King involves a lot of boring meetings and going through the motions, which he generally accepts good-naturedly. If you think I'm exaggerating, compare this with how Robert treated his job.

However, Viserys can also be indecisive. I don't think he's stupid at all, not even short-sighted really, he possesses political acumen in the sense that he understands what people want of him and what he is expected to do, but he is such a people pleaser and a chaser of his own desires, that he relies on non-confrontation as a modus operandi. And, in turn, that makes him also rely on his councilors a lot.

So, honestly, I think that Otto perhaps admired some of Viserys' qualities and not others - a mixed bag, like every other person, really. He probably would have felt mixed feelings about any potential son-in-law, but Viserys trumps everyone else every time just by occupying the highest office in the land and making Alicent his queen, which automatically turns him into the best candidate in Otto's eyes.

Broadly-speaking, Viserys' reign was peaceful, so for general admin stuff I think he performed pretty decently. So, on that front, coupled with his good-natured personality,* I'd say he earned Otto's approval. But he was not a true visionary or have an over-arching plan in mind like Jaehaerys, who did a lot of modernization work, and whom I suspect Otto would consider a better King. Especially since he got to serve under both. And Viserys truly made a mess with the succession, which affected Otto's family directly, so that weakness for Rhaenyra & Daemon would be what Otto might draw up as points of criticism.

*We're ultimately talking about white privileged men here -> their definition of good-nature and kindness and fairness.

#ask #otto hightower #anti viserys i targaryen #redrosesandcharmingsouls

[krikeymate]

As someone who’s been betrayed badly by their best friend once (of course not by almost being killed!), I know that on some days missing the person and who you used to be together hurts so much more than the betrayal itself.

I imagine it’s what Tara must be feeling with Amber. If I saw my best friend again (she’s not dead, just out of my life) I wouldn’t be mad at her (anymore). I would just ask her why and beg for answers. I think Tara would be the same… the ‚why‘ always on her mind. Wondering what made Amber hate her so much. Where did they go wrong? Could she have prevented it? And the thing is… if my friend offered a genuine apology, I would forgive her. We wouldn’t go back to being friends b/c the trust is broken for good, but I would absolutely forgive her. And I feel like Tara would too. She would forgive Amber. Because she loved her so much. She wishes she could see Amber again, just one more time, to ask her why and to tell her that she forgives her.

Amber was the only person Tara knew would never leave her. She felt so secure around Amber. It should have been her first warning sign, probably. But there was something about Amber… something that made her feel like Amber owned her… and Tara was ok with it because they were so deeply connected that she never had to worry about Amber leaving - something she worried/worries about all the time with everyone else. It was intoxicating to be so… carefree? Tara misses that security. She wishes she would feel it with Sam, but she doesn’t. She feels like she’s always walking on thin ice with Sam and everyone else. God, it sucks!! It sucks so much! She just wants Amber back! She misses Amber and it hurts. like. hell.

Tara is absolutely aware that in the end, it was death - and death only - that came between them. It was death that made Amber leave her. It should have been Tara‘s death, though. Not Amber‘s.

Alright, I see, showing me up, making me cry. Good job, I love it!!! But seriously fuck you for that last part, it's too much (it's perfect), I'm dying.

All Tara wants to know is why. Why did she do this? Why did she hate Sam more than she loved Tara? Was it something she did, something she could have done? For all that Tara wants to hate her, she can't. She hates herself for not hating Amber. But how can she hate her? She loves her, she's a part of her. With her death is five years of growth being ripped out of the garden in her heart. And despite what she did, how she hurt her… she bought Sam back to her. Sam finally came home, and it's all because of her.

She knew Amber would never leave her, because she was hers. Amber loved to tell Tara that she was hers. She loved to hold her tight and pull her around and tell her what they were going to do next. And Tara would let her, because in some fucked up way, at least it meant she was wanted, and as long as she was wanted, as long as Amber got her way, she would never leave her. Tara's too indecisive, too anxious, too stressed to think. It was such a relief to let Amber make decisions for her, to find someone who wanted to make those choices for her. She doesn't remember how to be a person without her, she's spent so long being a possession. And Sam, oh she can't tell Sam that. She can't talk to her about Amber at all, Sam who is trying so hard to fill in the gaps from her absence, to apologise for Ritchie, for her being hurt at all. Sam never mentions Amber, so Tara doesn't either.

#/mp #ask box #Scream #Tara Carpenter #Amber Freeman #topic: trauma

[scramble-crossing]

17 and 19

17. Character you think had the best arc

Sort of Rindo, sort of Shoka

Shoka's arc is probably the best-written in the game. She's given the most backstory out of all of the new characters, and with the main antagonists of the game being her own once happy, now crumbling family, the whole narrative is perfectly suited to fleshing out her individual storyline. There's a lot of room to develop her and the writers definitely made the most of it. It's just not my personal favourite. Shoka's a good character and all, but she didn't really click for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I think Rindo's arc is pretty decisive in the fanbase? Some people think it was done well, others think it pales in comparison to Neku's. Personally I think that subtlety in a character's arc is a good thing (I say subtlety lightly, Rindo's deal becomes pretty obvious if you're paying attention in the right places) but it's not really in the twewy spirit. Neku set a standard of heavily flawed protagonists with very clear deficits of character to the point of starting off as flat-out unlikable, and while early Rindo does teeter towards this, it feels like the writers didn't commit to it entierly. Or didn't want to. Or couldn't.

One of Rindo's biggest problems is that the medium he's in can be counterintuitive to what his arc is trying to achieve. Rindo is supposed to be a weak-willed, indecisive train wreck who constantly hoists responsibility onto others so that he can avoid the consequences of having made the wrong decision. And while this does come across, it's hampered by the fact that as the player character, you are constantly taking control of and making decisions for him. He starts to feel less like the kind of person who's incapable of making a choice, and more like someone who can and will when it really comes down to it.

I dont think his arc is bad or especially unclear. I think it can be easy to forget what his deal is supposed to be when from the player's perspective, he's been in control this whole time, even when the narrative is trying its best to tell you that this isn't the case. You've gotta look just a teensy tiny bit closer into what he's thinking and saying over what you're leading him to do.

It also doesn't help that the most obvious instances of him being indecisive or having lingering doubts are entierly reasonable. For example, it is a huge decision whether or not to trust a rival team leader who's survival depends on your demise. Really, it starts to feel more like Rindo is being understandably cautious and Fret is the one at fault for pushing him to make a quick decision based at least in part on his crush. He's not at all impartial, and Rindo doesn't push it down to the wire enough for it to be a major issue.

Also!!! The absolute biggest issue I take with Rindo's arc is that he never abuses his Replay in a way that would've made sense for an arc centered around avoiding responsibility. He's pretty much always forced to use it during situations that are out of his control because they could've only been avoided with information that he didn't have at the time. So much of the Soul Pulvis generated isn't Rindo's fault at all. It's Nagi's for exploding him with her mind or Minamimoto's for withholding his help (twice!) with the express purpose of triggering a Replay, or its because he and the others were held up by completely unforeseeable circumstances caused by Noise or other Players. Had Rindo been forced to use Replay for situations he undeniably caused because of his inability to make a decision, or even better, if he'd started to make decisions apathetically knowing that he can just go back and fix it if it didn't work out, I think his arc could've absolutely shone and even rivaled Neku's, as iconic as it was.

This has become a whole essay now and I'm sorry. The TLDR is that Rindo's arc is good, but it definitely has its faults. Some are on the part of the writers, but some are unavoidable based on the fact that he's the player character and is going to be subject to some projection that might make him appear to be more of a leader than he was in the early days of the game. It could've been better, but it's definitely not as bad as some people make it out to be.

19. Overall, do you prefer the first game's cast or Neo's?

In retrospect the second game is filled with so many recurring characters that this is a hard question to answer. Plus there was pretty even focus on the Reapers vs the Players whereas the first game was pretty solidly concerned with the core Hachiko Gang, and every other character was designed with the intent of contrasting with them in some regard (Konishi and Beat's whole mind vs the heart deal for example). It's kind of an unfair comparison since both games set out to accomplish different and not necessarily better or worse things with their casts, but in general I've got a bigger soft spot for twew1's cast over neo's. I like the Shibuya Reapers a lot. I'm literally writing a whole collection of drabbles about them being friends. It's some kind of brainworm idk

#I need to stop talking now I think #ask

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

How do you do a thing?

Not that well, but it's a matter of practice.

You know how there are some people whose faces are their faces? I mean the faces have a way of expressing everything about the person -- they seem to have always been the faces that the person had, the ones that perfectly convey a sense of how they act and think.

I feel like I'm not like that. I can't think of an adjective to describe my affect, or a body language characteristic I would like to cultivate. Instead, I look for patterns, and I think of "how I do things" as just one of many options among many others. I can switch my affect from one pattern to another at will, and doing so actually makes me feel better.

Anyway, here are a few patterns I have tried:

Pattern 1: Zen

This involves a certain "detachment" in which you focus on the "present moment," and just let things be. It's been the thing I've tended to gravitate to in practice, and it usually gets you what you want. It's often natural and effortless.

Strengths: You can often deal with things better by just "going with the flow." That doesn't mean just sitting there and letting things happen, it means staying calm and handling things appropriately rather than trying to fight them. When you're calm and passive, your decisions are often not as prone to being wrong (e.g. if you're talking to someone, you'll be less likely to try to help in a way that upsets them, and vice versa). It feels good.

Weaknesses: The downside is that doing things this way means letting problems fester, and ignoring the information that they're causing you a problem. Some problems don't do that, but a lot of them will, and you end up living life in a constant state of grumbling and slowly getting mad at things rather than solving them, which can get very stressful. Being in this state means that you make life harder for the people around you and yourself, rather than easier, and it often seems to get in the way of enjoying life rather than making it better.

Also, you can never quite tell whether your solutions are good ones, because you're not spending any effort or thought on their design. If you're just letting things happen, there's a real possibility that the things that happen would have been worse if you'd done something.

Pattern 2: Delayed Affect

When you do something this way, you are making a deliberate decision not to feel any strong emotional reaction to things for a while, so that you can preserve your sanity by waiting for your emotions to settle down enough for you to do something effective. At this point, I think my "thought-free, dissociated trance" described in another answer is best understood as an application of this technique.

Strengths: It works, and it often seems to work better than the passive Zen approach, especially if the problem you're working on is really urgent or emotional or complicated. It prevents you from jumping to unwarranted conclusions or taking actions that will make things worse, by cutting the link between "feeling angry" and "looking for a solution."

Weaknesses: It can lead to indecisiveness if you keep putting off what you need to do without actually tackling it. This is a problem when it comes to depression, for instance, where you need to take an action in order to make yourself feel better.

Also, it's not possible to have an emotional response at a given moment if you're not, in a sense, alive. On the other hand, the Zen approach can also lead to "not being alive" in this sense, so this isn't a proper weakness, just a side effect that can happen if you're not careful.

Description of visualization: Let's say a huge monster is attacking you in a dream. This is a totally illegitimate analogy, but I can't think of anything better.

Pattern 1: You shoot it.

Pattern 2: You join your hands and concentrate on some simple chant (like the Our Father) so you don't waste mental energy on anger or fear, then get up and quietly walk away without shooting it.

#ceirth-designs

[binary-dontknowher]

In-Depth Analysis of "You're Losing Me" by Taylor Swift

Pt. 1(?)

__________________

So this first part, I'm just gonna go line by line and point out comparisons to other songs or possible hidden meanings.

________________

[Verse 1]

You say, "I don't understand" and I say, "I know you don't"

We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't

Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light

Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

Damn, it gets deep reallll fast. Clearly from the first line, Taylor broke up with Joe, not vice versa, and he was confused why. The second line refers to the later line about being sick. She compares their relationship to a terminal illness.

The third line is a reference to Daylight, and the fourth line is contrasting like three. I wonder if it's a reference to her (possibly) writing the song before they broke up but she thought they might, so the song is the one sitting in the dark wondering if it's time, to be recorded and let the world know what happened.

[Pre-Chorus]

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?

I'm getting tired even for a phoenix

Always risin' from the ashes

Mendin' all her gashes

You might just have dealt the final blow

Obviously the first line is a reference to the Lover House rooms being empty and later burned down during The Eras Tour. Taylor compared herself to a phoenix rising from the ashes, a reference to Reputation. Taylor has come back from so many things, but she doesn't want to repeat that cycle with her lover, Joe. The "final blow" is a mystery, but I have to think (going by the bridge) it was Joe's refusal to get married.

[Chorus]

Stop, you're losing me

Stop, you're losing me

Stop, you're losing me

I can't find a pulse

My heart won't start anymore for you

'Cause you're losing me

I interpret this chorus as Joe upsetting Taylor and she's asking him to stop before he loses her, but he doesn't. By the third time, it has killed the relationship, and her "heart won't start anymore, for" Joe. 💔

[Verse 2]

Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes

How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?

I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick

My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

Storms in my eyes could be a reference to Ready For It? MV, where she has lighting in her eyes, but the line is saying that she was troubled and you could see it, but he never did. The second line is just heartbreaking- but that and the fourth line are a direct reference to All Too Well's "dead, gone, buried/come back swearing it's the same". The third line is a reference to Exile (that they wrote together) saying "I gave so many signs"; it's also referencing the anxiety she's had in the relationship lately.

[Pre-Chorus]

And the air is thick with loss and indecision

I know my pain is such an imposition

Now, you're running down the hallway

And you know what they all say

"You don't know what you got until it's gone"

Joe clearly is not able to make a decision about furthering the relationship. Taylor feels like her pain of not getting married or taking the next step in the relationship is just annoying to Joe, and not something he cares about. The hallway could be a reference to Maroon "standing hollow-eyed in the hallway", but Joe runs down the hallway to get away. The hallway line could also be furthering the picture of the relationship being terminally ill, and he leaves the hospital room (to the hallway) because he can't take it. The 3rd and 4th lines show their regret and pain at it ending, but know they can't go back.

[Post-Chorus]

My heart won't start anymore (Stop 'cause you're losing me)

My heart won't start anymore (Stop 'cause you're losing me)

I think the post chorus is cool (in the saddest way) with the heart beat stopping at these lines.

[Bridge]

How long could we be a sad song

'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?

I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy

And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

Fighting in only your army, frontlines, don't you ignore me

I'm the best thing at this party (You're losing me)

And I wouldn't marry me either

A pathological people pleaser

Who only wanted you to see her

AHHH the best part. This bridge is sooo sad, but very eye-opening. I think the first 2 lines are referencing the songs they wrote together (the majority of them have sad overtones), but now THEY are becoming the sad song, and again, he ignores it. The 3rd lines is a direct reference to Mirrorball, with "all my best me's" paralleling with "I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me." "The bravest soldier" line and the 4th and 5th line are a reference to The Great War. She's taking the worst of the arguments and battles, but he, again, ignores her pain. The 6th line is a reference to YOYOK, "I searched the party/just to learn you never cared."

Now the SADDEST part of the whole song T-T. "I wouldn't marry me either", clearly means Joe didn't want to marry her, and she blames herself for that, calling herself a "pathological people pleaser." Her goal in people pleasing, though, is so that he would see her. Very clear reference to the chorus of tolerate it.

And I'm fading, thinkin'

"Do something, babe, say something" (Say something)

"Lose something, babe, risk something" (You're losing me)

"Choose something, babe, I got nothing" (I got nothing)

"To believe, unless you're choosing me"

Taylor is now begging Joe to take action, in any way. Say something, take a risk, lose, and choose her. The chorus after tells us he doesn't. The last two lines here are a reference to hoax, "your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in."

_________________________

All in all, this is my all-time favorite Taylor Swift song. There's so much more to dive into (I spent hours talking about it yesterday) so I'll probably do a part two with more stuff! Anyway, let me know what you think of the song!

#you're losing me #taylor swift #taylor nation #youre losing me #joe alwyn #breakup #breakup song #new taylor swift song #reputation #midnights #late night edition #great war #hoax #lover #paper rings #tswift

[bonesandthebees]

Anyway, I’ve talked a lot about Tommy without talking about Him, so let’s do that.

I was expecting Tubbo to be part of his group, but having him be there as just Tomys friend is so funny. It’s also adorable. (And it probably says a thing or two about how stubborn Tomys is, since he probably refused to go without him). Their dynamic very much gives “Your majesty, this is my emotional support best friend”.

Having Jack as a guard is giving me Stars flashbacks. Probably as intended. It’s funny that he is now Tomys guard instead of Wilbur’s. I was not expecting Puffy, but I probably should have. She’s there to make sure Tomys behaves, but she still has a lot of work to do about the etiquette. She also gives me the vibes of someone who deserves a raise.

Side note: did Niki or Quackity come with extra entourage? Like Niki was a baby, but Quackity was similar in age. Or is this unusual? (Also, I love the throne and crown, I’m sure that doesn’t have any ominous relation to certain tags on this fic)

Anyway, Tomys first impression reflects very badly on Sam. As we learn in chapter 3, everyone figures out why Tomys is there. And he’s clearly a bad first choice as a heir. (As in, if Sam were to die right now, Tomys would do terribly compared to Niki or Quackity).

He comes off as just a kid, which he is, but that’s not something you can be in this situation. None of the other kids got to have a normal childhood. On top of that Tomys is kinda a little brat, for a noble child at least, and not in the way those kids are normally brats.

But Sam seems rather fond of him. He’s very patient with him and all his blunders. I think he’s a kind king, but *looks at chapter 3* he’s not the brightest. It becomes very clear, very quickly that Sam did not think this true at all.

Like part of his decision process is wanting to decide something for himself because he’s self aware enough to know Phil is pulling the strings, but not smart enough to actually do it himself. So he brings Tomys and is all secretive, but then he didn’t talk it through with anyone and missed so many implications because he’s just living in his own world. But then he doubles down which is incredibly childish, but he wanted to make a desicion for himself and refuses to acknowledge that it’s backfireing (which is a very worrisome quality to have in a King).

Though I think some of it might just also be actually indecisiveness and wanting to buy himself more time to chose because he clearly doesn’t know who to pick based on how he asked Schlatt. He’s just digging himself a bigger hole and I’m scared he’ll double down further and will pick Tomys in the future just because Phil doesn’t want him to (can you tell I do not like Sam? Very good writing job on that, btw).

(2/?)

-🎄

no literally I was trying to figure out a position for tubbo that wasn't 'personal servant' just bc I didn't feel like doing that for this fic, and when I couldn't come up with anything I was like "...it's clingyduo tubbo would come just as his emotional support bestie" and then I thought back to how in historical movies you always hear about nobles having their ladies in waiting/companions/friends showing up with them everywhere like an entourage and I was like huh that would work

lol yeah after stars I'm a bit of a sucker for writing jack manifold as a guard again. he's just so good in that type of role, although I'd say he's going to have a smaller role here than he had in stars (though who knows I also didn't think stars!jack would play a very big role and look how that turned out). and of course tommy needed an adult chaperone so I thought of puffy. she's so tired of this shit.

yes, niki and quackity both came with entourages of their own although I'm not going to mention them bc I can't think of characters they'd be and I don't like throwing ocs into my fics for more than just a few lines here and there. except since niki was brought to the palace so young she essentially came just with her nanny and some guards, and when she was eventually given ladies in waiting they were provided by the palace not by summerdam. quackity was a little older so he showed up with a tutor, guards, and probably a private servant. still working out details on backstory stuff you know how it goes

yeahhh the thing is tommy's immaturity is pretty prevalent right off the bat, and while he's not overly bratty by noble kid standards, by potential future heir to the kingdom standards he's terrible. and it says something about sam's ideas towards leadership that he only just met the kid and has a bit of a soft spot towards him, because he doesn't know tommy. not at all. but he thinks he does.

i'm glad you don't like sam. he's meant to be a very messy character in rose. someone who so clearly wants to be good at this game he's playing but is just so blatantly not which causes problems for everyone else around him

#ask #spruce anon #rose ch 2 #rose ch 3

[palfriendpatine66]

What wine are you drinking? I've never been a big fan of wine as a drink, but you and your wine o'clock make me want to give it another shot.

Writer's block happens to the best, it's just shitty , especially when used as an escape.

It's wonderful to hear that you've discovered this fandom and interest, that you can use it as an escape and simply be yourself. It's so much fun to share stuff with folks who share your interests.

I guess I'm doing good, right now, I need to decide which path I want to take, but I can't. One is simpler and closer to home, while the other may be more difficult and need me to move. But both seem so interesting. So I'm now debating myself.

Aside from that, I'd like to start writing fanfiction, but I can't bring myself to do it, just to start out of nothing.

I drink moscato because I have a major sweet tooth and it’s light and refreshing in the summertime. Not to be a TOTAL bad influence but maybe start with barefoot’s wine spritzers if it’s something you want to give a try - they’re light and are great for summer.

I feel you on indecision, especially with something so big as a move. That’s a hard call to make, and it can feel paralyzing to try to get it right. But there will be good things and hard things about each one. There’s not one right choice and one right choice. Sometimes that helps me give myself permission to actually choose.

Let me take half a second to be a good influence for a change: take the plunge. If you’re really, really struggling with the idea of posting your first fanfiction, maybe post it anonymously at first and see how it goes? No matter what ideas you have brewing I’m sure there is an audience that would be glad to share and celebrate them.

But let me tell you, making the decision to first write down and then share the little obikin daydream I had floating around my head, writing the story I wanted to read, was one of the best decisions I’ve made. This community is amazing. The feedback and support and connection has been incredible. Literally life changing to someone who didn’t have those friendships and connections and was feeling isolated and lost.

But most importantly, I hope you write those ideas down. Even if they’re only ever for your eyes YOU deserve to have them. The stories you want to be told, that carry pieces of you inside them. They will still exist and still matter and be important because you made them. And you will change yourself just by the process of creating them.

One day though, I hope I can join you in celebrating them

#whoops got emotional again #sorry about that #but I mean every sappy word #and if you ever want to chat about life or fics or Star Wars or what have you feel free to send me a message and let’s chat #I’m awkward af but I try my best #I promise I’m not intimidating

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity! I've been into Enneagram for a while and rn I'm second guessing if I'm really a 9 or a 6.

A lot of times my actions are driven by fear. Don't ask me to choose where we'll eat, what if everyone hates the place I pick and starts to hate me because of it? What if everyone thinks of me as someone with bad taste after it? When I wanted to switch majors in college I asked all my loved ones what they thought I should do, not because I was genuinely indecisive, but because I needed to know no one would hate me if I chose what I truly wanted. I don't really go out of my way to people please, like I would never choose a restaurant or a major I hate just to please someone else, but I often throw the responsibility into them (e.g making them choose the food and saying "I don't want that" if they choose something I don't like)...

All of this seems more 9 than 6. "What if people hate me" is 9. 6s are scrappier, and will cause trouble. They aren't as afraid of being disliked by their loved ones as a 9, who would consider that a horrible thing. (6s don't LIKE to be disliked, but they usually feel safe enough with loved ones to be super opinionated, questioning, suspicious, and somewhat assertive, even with a 9 fix.)

If someone like my dad didn't want me to switch majors, I still would do what I want (albeit I'd feel a little bad about it) because I know he wouldn't hate me for it. I think this fear of being hated stems from being a lonely kid and a bullying victim in my teenage years, but I also think I deal with it well. I don't let it take over my life and still do whatever I want to and whatever will be the best for me. This whole paragraph is the reason I think I might be a 6 core.

So 9. "Tell me what you think, but I'm gonna do what I want anyway. Just checking." You're not really indecisive, you just don't want conflict with those closest to you.

As for 9, I really relate to being numb. For me the best solution to a problem is to pretend it doesn't exist until I have to face it. I will think about it sometimes and dread the moment I will have to make a decision, but later I'll just bury it again and decide it is a problem for future me.

Yup, 9. 6s can't forget it exists. It looms in their mind until they deal with it, even if they can ignore it for a time. It nags at them.

I completely zone out when going through a tough time and start living in automatic mode, and how my primary coping mechanism for conflicts is ignoring it and never saying a thing because having an argument or a deep conversation would drain me too much.

Yup. 9. "Arguments are draining"... a 9 way of thinking.

(Just as an aside, I am a 9-fixed 6 and I start arguments all the time. So much so that my mother, who is a 1w9 and hates arguments, gets on me for "constantly causing trouble." Arguments are somewhat stimulating, lol.)

Sometimes I even start the conversation thinking "this time I'll be better and assertive so this person knows what I feel" but when then it takes more than 3 texts (can't bear to do it in person) and I'm like "oh god why did I even bother???".

9. Giving up too soon, it requires too much effort, etc.

The numbness also applies to physical situations. If I'm listening to music and doing another thing at the same time, my brain just turns the music off and I can't hear it anymore. I don't drive so if I'm in the passenger seat I usually have no idea where we are nor how did we get there nor how to go back because I didn't pay attention. Everyone says I have to build my sense of direction but I just can't. I also don't have many goals in life. I really wanted to be these digital influencers 3 stereotypes that thrive in social situations and glamour and parties but I have no energy for that. I just want to live my silly little life with my silly little things in the least draining way.

I want the least draining life possible, with no resistance - 9.

#question #enneagram #enneagram 9

[hebimoonlightwrites]

heyho~! sry for going anon, but i really love your writing and ive been following you for a while but i also wanted a way to support you so here i go!!

i was thinking a bit (a lot) about who to request for cause i dont really have a favorite in hypmic… lets ignore the fact that ive been a crazy hypster for 4 years! anyways, i was wondering if you could pick a character for me based on some info about me? think of it as like one of those “which character from __ would be your s/o” except this time youre making the decision! sorry for being so indecisive dbdbcbejd but it would make me really happy if you had fun while writing this, if even a little! (btw if you cant/dont want to deal w/ this rq, dw!! and also sry for any spelling errors TT)

she/her pronouns! angst to fluff preference, s/o relationship!

some tidbits about me: i enjoy singing a lot! i also voice act a little, mostly for rhythm game fandoms! im a member of a professional choir part time, and i sing vocaloid songs a lot mostly when im alone! i hate singing too loudly though, especially in front of other people. i have a social anxiety disorder, which makes it hard to do a lot of things, im quite open, cheery, and light/soft hearted if you get to know me, and a bit of an airhead i have to admit- but i really do care for others even if it doesnt seem like it. very quiet in front of people i dont know well, and i come off as a bit gloomy and harsh to people im not familiar with, so i dont have many friends or people im close to at all. love/hate relationship w/ the idea of “love”, since i didnt really grow up around people who expressed that at all. but id be a very compassionate and dedicated lover. a bit hesitant for physical contact due to trauma and ptsd. only fine around people i can really trust. still a bit hesitant though, sometimed it triggers bad trauma. i dont like talking about family stuff since it was sorta abusive and not pleasant. i really enjoy vocaloid and utauloid, and cute j pop w/ mesmerizing dark backstories. i dress in mostly oversized vests/sweaters, in an attempt to make my frame seem smaller. some of my other intrests are: psychological horror games, pokemon, animanga, hypmic, enstars, milgram, given, sasaki to miyano, sanrio, etc etc :D i really like astrology and reincarnation stuff a lot! i can read people’s thoughts easily, which is kinda a pro/con alike. my sense of humor is… limited? i usually dont really show my feelings to other people. i lash out quite a lot… i really like soft plushies, stickers, sleeping, and sweet stuff! bubble waffles, taiyaki, hard milk candy, ice cream, konpeito, to name a few! i loveee stars, and hearts too! if im not listening to music or sleeping, im probably spaced out somewhere! i really like people who arent afraid to approach me, rather id be delighted if anyone came and just said a simple hi! people who can look past my quiet demeanor and can help me cope w/ some of my pain are the best! maybe just someone nice ig?? and someone w/ a lot of empathy! (bonus if they are a good cook cause my cooking… uh…) my favorite animals are cats, otters, foxes, anything cute! some characters i kin from various fandoms are: ramuda, hifumi, yuno kashiki, chuuya nakahara, mafuyu asahina, mika kagehira, ai hoshino, etc! i really like the colors pink, red, purple, and black! i want someone who can just tell me that i will be loved, and im important!!!! i think? not even sure if im capable of loving someone even- hehe just a silly thought though

thank you so much hebi!!

sending lots of love and stars your way!!

-neru

also i forgot to add this but, i HATE bugs. kinda scared of them too. especially the small ones. btw gl on exams hebi!! -neru

Writer's corner: Hi, sweetheart! Of course I can do something like this! You're the first one requesting about it, so I'm sorry if there's something you maybe don't like! (feel free to tell me and correct me!♥) Also, you really seem a nice person, actually!! Feel free to text me each time you want to, dear!!♥ I'm going to develop this like a kind of description and explanation of the reason why I chose that character, okay? Of course, feel free to tell me if there's something you want me to fix! Plus, if there's something that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry! It's not my intention, dear♥ qwq

Warnings: So sorry! It's the first time someone requests me something like this! So sorry if it's bad qwq♥

⭐𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐘𝐏𝐌𝐈𝐂 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬/𝐨⭐

As I got the information about you, I immediately understood what kind of precious person you are..

⭐First of all, I got the idea that you are that kind of woman (maybe girl? idk, but I prefer using "woman" in general, since I don't know if you're younger or older qwq) who prefers to get lost in her own world, in those things and thoughts that are able to make her happier! You seem that kind of woman who seems a bad one, but who is actually compassionate and selfishless! You say that you're harsh towards the others, but I think you are so, not because you're a bad person, but because you are afraid instead-- Yes, afraid that someone could hurt you in any way!

⭐You said that you have some traumas, and well.. then it's because you went through so much pain that you're afraid of showing your true self! Because I seriously think that other people are sure that what they see is your true self when it's actually a kind of mask- oh better, an armor- you're using to protect yourself! You're both a strong and weak woman: you've gone through a lot of pain but you are still keeping going on!♥ You only told me that you like to sing and to voice act, but I bet that you do those things perfectly and that you're very talented! Maybe even the greatest singer among the choir!!

⭐In short, you immediately gave me some BusterBros!!! or Bad Ass Temple vibes, since you even mentioned your being otaku and your love for astrological things and reincarnation! Plus, the fact that you love plushies a lot and that you are very capable to understand people around you deeply and easily, well.. You're literally someone I'd ship with one boy among BusterBros or Bad Ass Temple!

⭐But to be sure to choose the perfect one for you, I really need to focus more on what you'd like to have in a relationship... ...also I don't really know about your age, so... I'm imagining you're like... 20-25..

But what do you want in a relationship?- You told me you'd like to have someone who can understand you, who can let you cope when you need to get out of your chest that pain you've inside.. and someone who can cook!!

---->If we take a look at all the BusterBros and Bad Ass Temple boys.. well:

⭐Jiro: I don't think he can actually cook and he also doesn't like horror stuff (while you said you like horror and psychological games). But he's well-versed in anime due to Ichiro, soo... I guess you could get along well with him anyway!

⭐Saburo: I mean.. he would agree with you about the pda fact and about the family one.. But he would really be a good gamer/friend! I can picture you both playing video-games.. I don't know, though, if he likes horror ones.. but he likes fantasy ones for sure! In any way, I don't really know how good he could be at comforting you! Maybe he'd be the best, since he also looks kind of harsh and unfriendly while he's actually a kind boy...-

⭐Kuko: Literally the best to talk to about your passion for reincarnation stuff! I'm also sure he would comfort you and even let you cope, but after that he would even fill you with Buddhist moralistic sentences and would try his best to give you some advices as well.. BUT he doesn't seem the one who can cook-----

⭐Jyushi: I mean.. you could be his sister actually in my opinion! You like plushies, just like him. You are introverted and went through pain just like he did.. You like astrological things just like he does! I mean.. You're exactly the same! But.. Sorry, Jyushi.. I don't think you would be able to fully comfort Neru when she needs it! Jyushi would literally start crying or make the situation sadder somehow in my opinion, and you literally need someone who can cheer you up and remind you that you're amazing and worth it- not someone who makes you feel even sadder! (sorry, Jyushi- qwq♥)

⭐Hitoya: He's another one who could actually be perfect for you, in my opinion! I mean.. he's a kind-hearted man who lives for justice! I bet he would fight against your "enemies" and do his best to make you feel appreciated and loved. Also I'm sure he'd be happy to listen to you when you need, and he would be great at comforting you, but.. I mean.. it depends on your age, sweetheart! qwq♥

I know it could sound basic, but...

Ichiro would be the best in my opinion!

⭐We're literally talking about a young man who's working hard each day at the Odd Jobs Yamada only to keep letting his brothers go on studying! If we think about it, it's really generous, actually! Ichiro is literally the one supporting not only himself and his own economical needs, but even his brother's ones and the apartment they all live in!!!

⭐The perfect boyfriend and husband, in my opinion!

⭐Also, he's kind-hearted! I'm sure he wouldn't mind listening to you while you're coping and letting all your pain out of your chest. He would definitely stop doing whatever he is doing only to get to you and comfort you! I'm 100% sure that he would also tell you something like: "Cry if you need to, love.." and would also be capable of turning around if you prefer to cry alone, without showing him.

⭐Otherwise, if you ask him to comfort you by hugging you, he would do it without any hesitation! On the other hand, he would respect your time and would avoid to get some PDA if you preferred not to get it!

⭐You could also play some games together or even read mangas too!

⭐I bet he would also cook your favourite dishes and sweets as well, maybe even teaching you how to cook! I'm 100% that Ichiro would also support you and tell you that your cooking is not that bad!

⭐He'd be there each time you feel like you need to remember that you're an amazing and valuable woman!

⭐"Hey, Neru! You can be yourself while you are around me! Stop being afraid of messing things up! You're amazing just the way you are!"♥

TOP 3 characters, results:

⭐1- Ichiro

⭐2-Hitoya

⭐3-Kuko

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

#hypnosis microphone #hypnosis mic #hypmic #hypmic buster bros #hypmic bad ass temple #hypmic ichiro #ichiro yamada #hypmic jiro #jiro yamada #hypmic saburo #saburo yamada #hypmic kuko harai #kuko harai #hypmic kuko #hypmic jyushi #jyushi aimono #hypmic hitoya #hitoya amaguni #who would be your s/o

[survey--s]

590.

What were you doing at midday today? Feeding the cats and supervising so that Toby didn't pinch Simba's food lol.

What hair style do you have atm? Are you happy with it?  It's currently just up in a messy bun. It's fine considering I'm not going anywhere today.

Do you enjoy long conversations over the phone?  No.

Have you ever had a panic attack?  I have in the past but not for a long time now, thankfully.

Do your close friends have any bad habits? Do you ever worry about picking up any of these habits? I mean, everyone has bad habits - I don't really worry about picking them up myself though.

Tell me about your last birthday. What presents did you get? Did you do anything special to celebrate?  It was a snow day so I didn't really do much. I think we ended up getting takeaway. As for presents, I mostly got money and vouchers for companies I like.

Someone buys a gift for you that you don’t like, what do you do?  Say thank you and re-gift it to someone else.

Has your best friend ever made you cry? Yes.

Have you ever entered a talent competition?  Nope.

Are you indecisive?  Yeah, over minor things, but I can make big decisions really quickly.

Do you still talk to the person you liked 6 months ago?  We're still married.

Has anyone ever talked you into doing something you didn’t want to do? Sure, but nothing major or serious.

Do you have any favorite jewellery that you always wear?  My wedding and engagement rings, and my fake diamond earrings.

Are you smiling in your facebook profile picture?  No.

Be honest, does the person you like actually deserve you? Or are they actually not worthy of your affections?  I don't really get the concept of deserving other people. It doesn't really make any sense to me.

Who will you be spending the weekend with?  Mike.

Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is?  Only when they don't read the room and/or never shut up. There's a time and a place, y'know?

Are you ill right now?  No.

Do you remember who you had feelings for at the beginning of 2015? Do you still speak to that person? If not, why not?  Uhh. Chris, and no, not really. We're friends on Facebook but I haven't spoken to him in over a year now.

Who were you in a relationship with last October?  Mike, the same as now.

The last person you talked to, do you know their star sign?  He's a capricorn.

Do you have a dreamcatcher?  Nope.

If you’ve ever been out of your country, do you have a souvenir?  Yeah, I've had plenty over the years but I don't think I actually have any of them anymore.

What is better, history or science?  I always preferred studying history.

Would you ever go on Fear Factor?  NOPE.

Would you ever wear black lipstick? Do you know anyone who does?  Yes, no.

If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark colour or a light? And if you wear mascara, what colour is it?  It depends on my mood/outfit for eye shadow, but I always wear black mascara.

Do you combine your socks and underwear in the same drawer?  Yeah, we don't have the space for separate drawers.

#survey #surveys

[thriday]

Before Marriages life

Anyway, talking about marriage it's quite something that I keep off to talk because it's too complex but I'll tell you about my married life recently.

In the middle of nowhere, I belong to take a step in my life, I chose to be married. At first, I was indecisive, “Is it right?” or “He is the one?”. After all, this is what it takes. Luckily, I'm surrounded by people who believe marriage is Barakah. All of what they said give strength and joy to be more sure about this decision. I remember that my Teacher said, “You have to be sure because after marriage you will be prayed for by 2 parents”.

When the day comes, I still question why this happened so early. Anyway, my marriage looked arranged because we prepare just 3 weeks, even on the day of engagement a.k.a the day to decide when the marriage will be done we didn’t even do “tukar cincin”. Not prepared. But I'm glad that happened to me. And I think short preparation before the wedding ceremony gives a small chance to do something wrong like we can validate our act since we engaged. I pray if our relationship is still on the wrong path, I hope we can part with a good breakup soon. Because I don't want to be in a vicious circle all the time. And of course, God's plan is always the best.

As I said before, I'm still figuring out what's next in my life. And I still wonder how I'm going to get married or get a job or get a degree in the future. I saw a story of someone preparing for their wedding, it took one year because the wedding ceremony was not as simple as I saw it. And I mumble if I plan to get married I just want to do the ceremony, not the party. Only family and closest friends. And it happens. Again, God's plan is always the best.

I learned a lot about Qada and Qadar last year. I worry too much about the future and get stuck in the past, no matter what happened recently, this is something I need to be constantly reminded of. Just focus on your current life.

After all, we had a vision of our relationship beforehand and it was "let it flow". In the beginning, I didn't think the vision was important to us, but when we gave up on relationships, especially Dunya Things, these words meant and gave us strength and made us grateful for the little things. Life is too short if only to be grateful for big things.

Before Marriages life

Anyway, talking about marriage it's quite something that I keep off to talk because it's too complex but I'll tell you about my married life recently.

In the middle of nowhere, I belong to take a step in my life, I chose to be married. At first, I was indecisive, “Is it right?” or “He is the one?”. After all, this is what it takes. Luckily, I'm surrounded by people who believe marriage is Barakah. All of what they said give strength and joy to be more sure about this decision. I remember that my Teacher said, “You have to be sure because after marriage you will be prayed for by 2 parents”.

When the day comes, I still question why this happened so early. Anyway, my marriage looked arranged because we prepare just 3 weeks, even on the day of engagement a.k.a the day to decide when the marriage will be done we didn’t even do “tukar cincin”. Not prepared. But I'm glad that happened to me. And I think short preparation before the wedding ceremony gives a small chance to do something wrong like we can validate our act since we engaged. I pray if our relationship is still on the wrong path, I hope we can part with a good breakup soon. Because I don't want to be in a vicious circle all the time. And of course, God's plan is always the best.

As I said before, I'm still figuring out what's next in my life. And I still wonder how I'm going to get married or get a job or get a degree in the future. I saw a story of someone preparing for their wedding, it took one year because the wedding ceremony was not as simple as I saw it. And I mumble if I plan to get married I just want to do the ceremony, not the party. Only family and closest friends. And it happens. Again, God's plan is always the best.

I learned a lot about Qada and Qadar last year. I worry too much about the future and get stuck in the past, no matter what happened recently, this is something I need to be constantly reminded of. Just focus on your current life.

After all, we had a vision of our relationship beforehand and it was "let it flow". In the beginning, I didn't think the vision was important to us, but when we gave up on relationships, especially Dunya Things, these words meant and gave us strength and made us grateful for the little things. Life is too short if only to be grateful for big things.

Before Marriages life

Anyway, talking about marriage it's quite something that I keep off to talk because it's too complex but I'll tell you about my married life recently.

In the middle of nowhere, I belong to take a step in my life, I chose to be married. At first, I was indecisive, “Is it right?” or “He is the one?”. After all, this is what it takes. Luckily, I'm surrounded by people who believe marriage is Barakah. All of what they said give strength and joy to be more sure about this decision. I remember that my Teacher said, “You have to be sure because after marriage you will be prayed for by 2 parents”.

When the day comes, I still question why this happened so early. Anyway, my marriage looked arranged because we prepare just 3 weeks, even on the day of engagement a.k.a the day to decide when the marriage will be done we didn’t even do “tukar cincin”. Not prepared. But I'm glad that happened to me. And I think short preparation before the wedding ceremony gives a small chance to do something wrong like we can validate our act since we engaged. I pray if our relationship is still on the wrong path, I hope we can part with a good breakup soon. Because I don't want to be in a vicious circle all the time. And of course, God's plan is always the best.

As I said before, I'm still figuring out what's next in my life. And I still wonder how I'm going to get married or get a job or get a degree in the future. I saw a story of someone preparing for their wedding, it took one year because the wedding ceremony was not as simple as I saw it. And I mumble if I plan to get married I just want to do the ceremony, not the party. Only family and closest friends. And it happens. Again, God's plan is always the best.

I learned a lot about Qada and Qadar last year. I worry too much about the future and get stuck in the past, no matter what happened recently, this is something I need to be constantly reminded of. Just focus on your current life.

After all, we had a vision of our relationship beforehand and it was "let it flow". In the beginning, I didn't think the vision was important to us, but when we gave up on relationships, especially Dunya Things, these words meant and gave us strength and made us grateful for the little things. Life is too short if only to be grateful for big things.

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀:¨ ·.· ¨:⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ `· . ꔫ

#public diary

[themanicroom]

It's going to be a long one, feel free to scroll by. I just need to get some emotions out. Also, hey Tumblr, it's been a minute. Looks like I'm back. I don't even know where to begin. So I guess I'll just jump in. My partner and I have had a lot of trouble over the years we've been together. A lot of drama, a lot of letting other people influence us and our decisions - it hasn't been great.

My partner went behind my back with a few different people towards the beginning of our relationship. Whether they were just talking, or doing more than that. I still to this day don't think I know everything. I too had an instance where I did the same. I thought I wanted to separate, but in turn because I didn't quite know what I wanted I made a mistake. I truly hate myself, and the way I handled that situation. I hurt two people with my indecisiveness. As a human who feels pain, and every other emotion in such raw form I feel for both of them. As a partner, I feel my partner's pain and it still hurts me to this day - I can never take it back and that will forever be with me. Our relationship has been dysfunctional from the very beginning yet we hold on to one another for dear life. It's absolutely crazy. Throughout all the times that I caught them, the pain, embarrassment, and my insecurities would get the best of me. "Why am I not enough?" , "What do they have that I don't?" As someone with BPD I'm about as moldable as they come, and I absolutely have molded to my partner and what they want me to be. Not every last little thing, but I am no where close to who I was all those years ago. Some of the changes were good. Some of them, I absolutely hate when I'm looking at myself.

Fast forward a few years. One of the people they were caught with is now part of my everyday life. Just today alone I walked past them 3-4 times. They said hi to me. I said hi back. Did they know my partner was talking to them behind my back? Did my partner keep them in the dark just as much as they did to me? Something that I thought I was over - or that I had at least processed - just all came flooding back. The next time we crossed paths I couldn't help but look a little longer to compare them to all my insecurities. Nicer hair, skinnier, clear complexion, overall just well put together with what looked like no effort.

Ah. That's why. I guess I get it now.

Then come the thoughts of the others. So I start looking up their social media - comparing. Coming down on myself for all the things they are and I'm not. All the reasons my partner wanted them and not me.

One of them is married now. Something I know I'll never have. I gave up on that a long time ago. The other - well, I don't see why with that one, but I guess there were perks I wasn't providing. I can't talk to my partner about it. They weren't all that willing to talk about them when it happened. The one that I'll be seeing everyday - When I confronted my partner all those years ago I got an insincere "Sorry". When I told them it didn't sound sincere the response I got was, "It wasn't".

I have these overwhelming feelings of resentment, loneliness, embarrassment, insecurity, and anger.

I have the overwhelming feeling to walk away because I couldn't do it then, when it was fresh. I worked so hard to try and move past it, and I was so sure I had. Now I just feel shitty like it is fresh, like it did just happen.

I want to go through all their accounts. I want to know if there's more, or was more. I want to find something so I can tell them to leave. It's like I'm back a square one and for all I know they haven't done anything since then. I chose to stay so in turn I chose to move past it. I don't go through their accounts, their PC, anything because I wanted so desperately to just trust and move on. For me.

Honestly, I think I did actually trust them for the most part - there was always that small suspicion in the back of my mind, but I don't know if that would ever go away. Now I'm on a level where I feel crazy. Like the past couple years never even happened, and I'm back to the beginning of all this shit. The self-loathing. Will I go through all their stuff? No. 1, I really don't want to know. 2, I don't want this to cause a setback in our relationship. 3, please see point 1 again - Ignorance is bliss.

So instead I'll go through a few weeks of some pretty severe splitting and then hopefully it'll just all blow over I guess?

Welcome back to the fucking rabbit hole. All because I crossed paths with one of them. Fuck.

#bpd #borderline #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bipolar #bipolardisorder #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #ijustwanttobealone #exhausted #mydarklittlecorner #relationships #relationshipwithbpd #insecurities #trust issues #vent #themanicroom #the manic room

[hawthorne-house]

Hello! "Don't judge a book by it's cover" came to my mind with a person ( H♍ ) i don't know if it was relevant but I wanted to mention it. Thank you so much ❤️

The Nine of Pentacles (left), The Two of Wands (center), the Knight of Wands (right). "Choose to pursue one and the other will follow." The cards speak of decision to be made. A choice to follow ones passion. But in this case not a passion for romance but one for independence. "Passion comes to one who waits" I'm hearing for you. Though it sounds counterintuitive. I feel like the focus here is definitely on the material realm and building up the foundation of your life. This could be monetarily or with education perhaps. It could even just be moving into your own place. Or I'm seeing/hearing choosing to move into your own place instead of moving in with someone else when the time comes? I'm not sure if you're already living on your own and contemplating moving in with a lover or roommate, but the cards suggest the most beneficial thing for you right now would be to stand in your independence. That's not to say "don't date" or anything like that. Just to not give away your sovereignty to another. With Strength and the Two of Swords at the bottom of the deck (another two, lots of choices are being presented to you.) It tells me you're indecisive but making a firm decision is the best option, make a choice one way or the other and stick with it. Sometimes that's not the case and I'm not saying if you make a choice in your situation and it makes you miserable you shouldn't change it. But it's almost this energy of "Say what you will do and do what you say." This too could be that you want this from another person, for them to speak up and act the way they talk? To be consistent. If words and actions don't align it's something to look out for.

While drawing your Lenormand cards the Bouquet flipped out upright while the Child and Owls were face down. I immediately got the impression that of an innocent or fun but short lived romance. However, the cards themselves speak of gifts, happiness, and abundance (the Bouquet), a new and curious beginning, and communication. The Owls can sometimes signal that the exchanges are exciting, interesting. Both the Owls and Child are cards of curiosity too so I definitely feel like (with Owls also having to do with a couple) there is curiosity from both sides with someone you are talking to (H perhaps?). Curiosity, the desire to know more, but I'm also getting a little bit of immaturity or the sense of putting on airs. Judging a book by the cover goes both ways. You can judge it to be awful when it's excellent and judge it to be excellent what it's awful in reality. (Not to say it has to be either of those extremes, but for a simple example.) I'm hearing "Test the waters and see if it's a gift or a fallacy." And also a warning about not being swayed or blinded by gifts. Someone might try to offer a gift/or gifts in order to woo you or form a friendship (this could be friendship and not romance for sure) but I'm hearing not to let gifts cloud your judgement or make you feel obligated to reciprocate feelings. That's all I have for you at the moment. I do hope that this reading was interesting, helpful, or affirming in some way. Or at the very least gave you some clues or tools to use in order to navigate your situation. We really appreciate your visit! Yours, Aria

#witchblr #divination #tarot community #aria speaks #hawthorne house after hours

[butnobodycame627]

If your words can paint a picture

If a drawing can explain things

Can someone explain to me

What it is I want to be?

Do I want to work hard to be the best I can be

Or would I rather just sit down and eat?

Is there time to do both? Can I make this happen?

Someone paint a picture for me

Because my words may paint pictures,

And pictures may explain things,

But I can't explain something I don't know

So if someone else made a painting

That explained what I wanted

Maybe I would understand what these things mean to me

#bnc627 writing #bnc627 poetry #poetry #poem #i'm just so indecisive can someone tell me the best decisions #also i'm exhausted all the time so like #will i ever get around to doing hard work again? #idk i'm trying my best #i don't even know what makes me happy anymore #i've been feeling really crappy lately #=/