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queerforscience · 6 months

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Summary: Unmasking Autism by Devon Price has a lot of good insights, but in my opinion could use more nuance about the harms experienced by early diagnosed autistics and autistics who can't mask.

I've been listening to the audiobook of Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. There's a lot of really good information in it and a lot that's really relatable as a late diagnosed, trans, fairly high masking autistic and I have a few criticisms of it:

It seems that Dr. Price falls into the common "grass is greener" pitfall. The book is focused on the harms of masking and the way that oppression forces many marginalized people to mask. It also discusses the way that this causes many marginalized people to not be recognized as autistic, which robs us of a valuable tool for understanding ourselves and our struggles. I felt that the way these very really harms were discussed sometimes minimized the also very real harms that come with being diagnosed as autistic as a child, especially for marginalized people. These discussions also didn't acknowledge the fact that some autistics cannot mask and experience specific harms because of that.

Similarly, I felt there were some missed chances to emphasize the internalized ableism component of the urge to distance ourselves from the label autism. This was framed in a discussion about how certain stereotypes about autism can make it more difficult to recognize and identify with autism within ourselves, but many of those stereotypes, like "the nonverbal toddler in bulky noise cancelling headphones at the grocery store, do represent some very real autistics who are also valuable human beings. This was addressed some later in the book than when this criticism first arose for me, but I think it's something that should have been more emphasized throughout. Similarly, there could have been more emphasis that people who do fit certain other labels also deserve to be treated better when when discussing the stigma that comes with some misdiagnoses autistic people commonly receive, such as personality disorders.

At least as far as I've gotten, there's a fair amount of discussion of eating disorders among autistic people, but this discussion has been strictly about restrictive eating disorders and primarily anorexia. It's fine to focus on that, but if you claim to be discussing eating disorders generally you also need to talk about bingeing. ARFID should also be included, especially if you're talking about autistics!

There's a lot of discussion about maladaptive drug use and substance use disorders among autistic people, but so far I feel there's been a lack of recognition that drug use can be adaptive as well.

So far, I think I would overall recommend the book. However, I do also worry about what people reading it without also having heard the perspectives of high support needs and/or low masking autistics may take away from it. Similarly, I also think people reading it should be sure to seek out the perspectives of people who do identify with BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, and other highly stigmatized disorders that autistic people are sometimes labelled with.

#unmasking autism #actually autistic #autistic masking #masking #eating disorders #ed cw #drugs cw #harm reduction #also kinda hard to figure out how best to talk about “misdiagnosis” as a psych critical person lol #almost the entire DSM is based on describing clusters of symptoms that *tend to* occur together #not some objective truth #AND sometimes people get labeled with something that really doesn't fit their cluster of symptoms #and then that label gets used to assume what their struggles really are and how they should be treated #also also I'm very the DSM is fake but also neurodevelopmental disorders sometimes feel #like more consistent clusters than mental illnesses #with the recognition that that distinction is ALSO a construct #now I am rambling about psychiatry criticism in the tags #anyways unmasking autism is interesting but also plz listen to HSN/low masking autistics

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ed-recovery-affirmations · 5 months

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Hello. So I'm having a battle inside of my brain. I've been following you for a while now, and I'm also in recovery for anorexia and bulimia. I'm also a newly graduated medical doctor. This means I know a lot about the human body. Which is exactly my point now. I try so, so hard to eat 'intuitively', listen to my body, and be okay with gaining weight, and I try to be in body positive and fat acceptance spaces (1/2, I will continue in next question)

(2/2), but I also know and I have seen with my two eyes, and treated with my own hands, the consequences of not eating healthy or being at an unhealthy body weight. I live in fear that If I eat and eat because I'm trying to recover, I'm gonna have the opposite health problems. I bring it up to my psychiatrist and psychologist, and they tell me there is no unhealthy food. But there is. And I just don't know how I should go with my recovery like this. Any advice for this? thank you for this blog

So I had to take a bit of time to think about the best way to articulate answers for you, because there are some complex and often competing needs addressed on my blog. I think it's important that you get an answer to your question, but I wanted to be careful to go about it in a way that wouldn't cause harm to anyone else. So I'm going to make my best effort, and putting it under a cut because it will be long and some who are triggered by medical views on fatness may prefer not to read on.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this. Having a battle in your brain, as you say, sounds like an agonizing way to live. I hope that you are able to work through it.

Now, as you may know if you frequent this blog, eating disorders are complex and varied. Bodies and their workings are complex and varied. Some people do experience a variety of health conditions that are influenced by what they eat, so for these individuals, they may be best served by making choices accordingly. These choices can also be incredibly complex in this world - you may have seen a recent ask I recieved, for example, about somebody whose husband was just diagnosed with diabetes. The asker was stressed about learning to prepare foods for them both in accordance with his strict diabetes-friendly diet would trigger their restrictive tendencies from their eating disorder. So as you can see, the dietary choices that might be in his best interest might not be in the best interest of the asker. But them being married, I'm sure they would like to share meals together, so following a diet that suits them both is complicated. Difficult choices will have to be made at every juncture.

Gluten is not inherently bad or evil. Unless you have Celiac disease, in which case gluten is actually going to kill you slowly. You need to monitor your salt if you have high blood pressure, but if you've been diagnosed with POTS, you may actually need more salt, and lots of it. I myself will occasionally snack on chips, but never Funyuns. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, but they were invariably a trigger food for me to binge, so I stopped bringing them into my house. But this doesn't make them an unacceptable snack choice for everybody else.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Different people are experiencing different circumstances, and may need different things. Just because a food is particularly bad for one person doesn't make it a "bad food" unilaterally. Even the kinds of foods we consider "junk foods" can be tolerated by our bodies in moderation - well, most of our bodies, anyway. Now there are some people who have eating disorders like ARFID, where they literally cannot eat most foods and must veeery gradually expand their palate. For these individuals, we say "no food is bad food" because, while you might not like to see a person living on, say, saltine crackers or potato chips alone, they will literally starve without it, and so eating the food they can eat is preferable. For these individuals, that sleeve of saltine crackers can be a lifeline. Or take anyone who has a complex gastrointestinal disorder. Ask anyone with Chrohn's about their gut and its complicated relationship with fruits and veggies, a staple segment of the food pyramid touted by most doctors for its immense health benefits. Eating what you can will keep you alive and as healthy as possible in cases like these.

Now, there are people who are impacted in complex ways by the kinds of foods I'm guessing you're describing - things like chips, candy, fried food, processed/instant food. So in this case, do keep in mind that when an individual has a diet consisting largely of these types of foods, there are often complex genetic, epigenetic, and socioeconomic factors that are influencing the way their bodies naturally work and the way their dietary patterns have been established. I do understand how easy it is, at first glance, to just point at their diet and assume that it's easy and sustainable to change it, or that it would be a fix-all. But those same factors that contribute to the development of those complex health issues are often ongoing into the life of the affected individual, not to mention financial and social complications that may make it difficult to change things. But again, just because you've identified a certain food as detrimental to a patient's specific needs doesn't mean it's the same in regards to your own body's needs. Especially if these foods cause a trigger reaction for you to restrict or become obsessed with food "purity."

Now I know that in your work you say that you've treated with your own two hands the results of eating unhealthy foods. But I want you to get honest with yourself here, because you're not mentioning the experiences of the doctors who have treated and seen the damages of restrictive eating disorders. Both anorexia and bulimia, when sufficiently progressed, can cause lasting damage to the body even years into recovery. And they can also cause death. Surely a bag of chips or a cookie every now and again can't be more unhealthy than that? I'm hoping that you can take the time to periodically remind yourself of this, and to remind yourself that your own bodily needs are your own, and that paying attention to what YOUR body needs is self-care.

I know it's hard for an eating-disordered mind to listen to logic, but I'm truly hoping that you can overcome this for your own sake as well as for the sake of your patients. Anon, medical fatphobia has a long history of damaging patients. I know this because I myself have seen it happen. I've told the story before of my friend who was raised by hippies, fed all-organic snacks and kale chips, never allowed a hydrogenated oil, and was still fat growing up. I watched this person reduced to eating saltines and a few bites of apple per day when they were suffering with gallstones. It was all they could eat, but because they were fat, doctors assumed that their gastrointestinal distress must be caused by an excess of fatty foods in their diet. They lived on apple slices and saltines for months, still suffering pain all that time, before they were correctly diagnosed. Can you imagine what it did to their body, to live on such a restricted diet for such an extended period of time? This was not the only time a missed diagnosis threatened their health because all doctors saw was the fat. This person also starved themselves for a few years after being taught to do so at fat camp, and their anorexic behaviors were never called out because even though they did lose weight, they never ended up "skinny" at their lowest weight. But that starving certainly couldn't have been better for them than just living fat - their vision was blacking out every time they stood up! Anon, I hope you don't mind if I speak to you honestly about this. It's hard to gain a full honest medical history from every patient and patient family member you come across, because healthcare is a complicated field. But you cannot let your fear of fatness dictate the way you hear and see your patients. Yes, even if they're not following their prescribed diet. Yes, even if food is a contributing factor in their particular case. (And do keep in mind that a patient's refusal to change diet may come from a place of complicated factors, financial, social, emotional, you name it. Compassion will get you farther with them than judgment, and may even help you get a fuller story.) But do it for yourself, too. And listen to your body. If a food makes your body FEEL well and nourished, then it wasn't a bad food. And you deserve to be well fed and embark on your own healing journey. I hope you find the self-worth to believe that.

Because honestly, food deprivation affects your metabolism. You may experience the notorious anorexia recovery hunger as your appetite reemerges, and you will need to give your body what it needs in order to develop a pattern of being healed in both body and mind. You can keep nutritious options around for that, but I think you may need to keep working on your fear of "snack foods." Your metabolism may be changed as well, and so yes, you may gain back more weight than you had envisioned, or your body shape may be different than you had expected for a little while. Sometimes the weight distribution is a little weird during that regaining phase, and that's okay and does not determine your worth. You are going through a medical event and deserve to be compassionate with your body and soul as that happens. In fact, that is the only way you can heal your mind. Because, even before you look to your patients and the ideal steps for their specific health needs, you need to prioritize yourself and look to your own individual needs. So to recap, periodically use these reminders.

"Just because a food is bad for that other person doesn't make it a bad food. My dietary needs are my own."

"There's no food unhealthier than an eating disorder."

"I will look inward at what my own eating behaviors have done to my health, rather than ruminating on that patient's eating behaviors."

"I'd rather gain weight than hurt my body again."

"My thinness does not reflect my worth."

Feel free to add on as you progress in your recovery journey. Best of luck, in that and in your career. It's certainly not an easy one. Do your best, be open to learning, and remind your eating disorder that your therapists are right even if it doesn't want to listen to logic. I hope that when you are able to bring yourself to eat your next treat, you enjoy it thoroughly.

#intuitive eating #ed recovery #F/O/F #medical fatphobia #food purism #food purity #ana recovery #mia recovery #restriction recovery #orthorexia

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nozomi-kaizoku · 17 days

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~Intro~

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Hi there!! Welcome to my Offical Tumblr!!

Here's a little bit about me:

Name: Nozomi Kaizoku, but I'm cool with Nozomi, Zomie/Zomi (doesn't matter the spelling), or just Luca(s)

I'm 17 (My birthday is 01/14)

Pronouns: He/they/it

Disabilities and mental conditions: autistic (professionally diagnosed), have ADHD (undiagnosed atm), PTSD (unofficially diagnosed), ARFID (professionally diagnosed), Iron deficiency (caused by ARFID), Hypersexuality (questioning) and BPD (questioning but waiting untill I can get everything else figured out to receive a diagnosis)

Sexuality and Gender Identity: Pansexual, Cupiosexual, Lithromantic, and Non-Binary (Masculine and androgynous terms for me are cool with me)

Other stuff about me: I'm a springtrap simp :3

Interests!!!!

Special Interest: @tonycrynight, And just fnaf stuff in general (since fnaf stuff is related to tony :3)

Hyperfixiations (atm): KinitoPET, Art community drama (partially), Dinosaur analouge horror, Game Theory

Note about me:

One of my autistic traits is struggling with social cues and what is considered "appropriate", and even though I make sure to control this behavior the best I can, I often say things that may come off as rude/offensive/wrong, and it often times gets me in trouble. So If I do ever post anything that makes anyone uncomfortable on here, I apologize in advance! /gen

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~Boundaries~ (please read the whole thing)

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Who can interact with my content? (all /srs)

Always Welcome!! (unless you end up on the DNI list somehow)

Neurodivergent people of all kinds (especially autistic and ADHD folk)

Anyone of any mental illness

FNAF fans, canon and AU (especially Tony crynight fans)

Any race, gender, sexuality, religion, disability, etc. (this is a safe space)

Any fandom (outside of what is on the DNI)

Weird/cringe people of all kinds (furries, therians, alt fashion, etc.)

Just cool people in general!

Anyone 14 and over

Unless I made you an exception, DO NOT INTERACT (DNI) (you will be blocked)

Anyone in the Gacha fandom (as cool as the content is, the community is way too toxic for me to handle)

Anyone in the Hazbin Hotel fandom (same reasoning as the Gacha Fandom + Vivziepop is way too problematic

anyone under 14 (I'd rather not expose anyone that's really young to any sort of content that's gonna mess them up for life. Trust me, I saw some shit I wasn't supposed to at a young age and it messed me up big time.)

Anyone who openly shares their political ideology (No hate against any of you, but I've seen way too many people get into fights over one's political viewpoint, and I'd rather not have that negativity on here. I'm considered a "leftist/democrat/liberal" incase anyone is curious, but I'm not gonna talk about it much on here)

Springtrap x Ballora shippers (most of y'all are toxic as fuck and I don't like it)

DNI (no exceptions) (you will be blocked)

Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.

People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps)

Tony Crynight Anti's (this is a Tony Crynight fanpage, and as such, any hate against him will be deleted and blocked

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~OC reference sheet~

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~That's all, thank you for your time! :3~

#tony crynight #nozomi kaizoku #actually autistic #fnaf #ADHD #neurodivergent #hello :3 #intro #tc!springtrap #springtrap fangirl 4 life

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mar64ds · 2 years

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I've always seen that headcannon around but I've never been around someone who was autistic (as far as im aware)

Could you explain that headcannon? I've always been genuinely curious about where it comes from but ive been too scared to ask till now

Me and many people see a lot of Undertale and Deltarune characters as autistic (Kris, Alphys, etc etc), the skeleton brothers are two of my favorite characters so I talk about them being autistic the most, especially Papyrus since he's my favorite

Of course not everyone on the autistic spectrum has the same experiences and I'm also just one person so maybe all the reasons why I think these two are autistic are not reasons everyone agrees with. But here is my explanation:

-Papyrus being autistic-coded is a very popular opinion. Papyrus acts in ways many neurotypical people can see as 'weird' or 'childish', he is very socially clumsy and struggles making friends, this is something that can happen to a lot of people on the spectrum. It doesn't seem like people dislike him or that anyone is mean to him, but very few people seem to be his friend and many don't even seem to know his name. His character arc of wanting to make friends but being unable to for so long even if he tries really hard is something many people on the spectrum can relate to. Papyrus also pretends a lot of the time, he wants to be seen as a really cool person and sometimes he tries way too hard to seem like he is. Instead of simply being who he is, he wants to prove that he is cool to everyone so that people will like him. Pretending so that people will like you is something that a lot of people on the spectrum also do, and it's a big part of Papyrus's arc to realize that it's better to have a friend that likes him for who he is than have hundreds of fans that might not sincerely like him (which is something he really worries about)

Papyrus seems hyperfixated on puzzles, this isn't just because monsters have to create puzzles as their jobs, Papyrus genuinely seems to absolutely love them, he spends a lot of time with anything related to puzzles. Even in events where there should technically not be any puzzles around (winter parties, birthday parties, etc) he builds them anyway because he really enjoys puzzles!

It's likely Papyrus has ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder), and while you don't necessarily have to be on the spectrum to have it, it's very common that autistic people have it as well. Papyrus seems to really dislike some types of food (greasy food) and seems to enjoy a few selected ones, he probably doesn't try many new stuff either (he has never eaten spaguetti and doesn't have intentions to)

Papyrus loves routines, he likes doing the same things over and over. He likes cooking spaguetti all the time, he likes wearing the same outfit everyday, he likes reading the same books he has probably had for a while

Papyrus seems to spend a lot of time at home, it could probably be because of burnout. It's not just that he doesn't have friends to hang out with, he genuinely seems to like staying at home

There is more, but everything about Papyrus is just very very neurodivergent. If it wasn't intentional that's amazing, because Papyrus is one of the best autistic characters ever for me

-Sans being autistic is unfortunely a way less popular opinion. I think both of the skeleton brothers show two different people on the spectrum so well, they are both autistic, but their experiences are so different

The thing is Sans is the opposite of Papyrus, he is so good at social interactions, it's so easy for him to make friends. Sans is also so good at reading people. It's a completely different experience compared to Papyrus

However, as good as Sans is at making conversations, he actually really seems to like being alone. He spends a lot of time at Grillby's, but he also spends a lot of time at the forest reading car magazines by himself. He originally spent time telling knock knock jokes to himself. Sans likes being around people but he probably has a limit before he burns out, he seems to really prefer a quiet calm place than anything else. Why else do you think he's best friend with an old lady that likes puns, that's the definition of someone calm but fun, just like him, the perfect person to relax with

I'm amazed that people don't talk about how Sans literally always has his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, this guy is so autistic, needing to do anything with your hands and keeping them in your pockets all the time is a very realistic experience

Sans barely changes his facial expressions, and no, it's not just because he is a skeleton. Let's say he can't move his mouth, he could still express more with his eyes, but he doesn't, because Sans is simply not a facially expressive person

When Sans is upset he shuts down. He seems distant, he wants to be away from everyone. In neutral runs, he might seem that, while he is sad, he can handle his current situation, because he's good at appearing okay on the outside, but it doesn't mean he's hurting any less, he just doesn't express himself the same way other people do

Sans burns out easily in general

There is more but Sans Undertale is so autistic to me and I hope more people start to see it too

-The relationship these two have is super important. It's such a sweet, funny and endearing brotherly relationship in general, but with all of this in mind, it's so so nice seeing an older brother that loves his little brother exactly the way he is, not 'in spite of' and not 'tolerating him', Sans loves Papyrus for everything that makes him Papyrus, wholeheartly and sincerely. All the things that might be 'weird' and 'childish' for others are things Sans considers cool and worth to admire. Papyrus feels comfortable enough around Sans that he might be the only person (at the time) that he doesn't have to pretend to, he can just be himself around him, he knows Sans loves him for who he is. Papyrus also understands Sans like no one else and is always there to take care of him, and while some of his ways of helping might not seem helpful to other people (like calling Sans lazy so many times) they actually do help Sans, more than anything, Papyrus is the main reason why Sans is motivated enough to do stuff

This might sound like I'm exaggerating but this is one of the best families in any piece of media ever to me, because I have seen very few brothers in fiction that treat each other this way, that have such a big theme of both being neurodivergent and loving and supporting each other all the way through

But anyway yes, Sans and Papyrus are autistic

#deltaruneundertale #long post

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owlbelly · 5 months

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2023 wrapped

lost my absolute mind over a 16-book fantasy series, which in turn led to a) continuing to read more more books than i've ever read in a year in my adult life, and b) writing approximately 27K words of fanfic after not writing fanfic in a decade, so i would like to carry this renewed literary & fannish energy into 2024. RotE folks i love you :')

became a member/co-founder of a new local queer & trans chevra kadisha, which got me out of the house socializing regularly (new Jewish friends!) & doing community organizing & thinking a lot about death in a surprisingly positive way. it really feels like one of the most important things i'm doing right now. i haven't actually done a tahara yet but i might next year.

managed to go an entire year without gluten, which i would have said would be impossible for someone like me (lifelong ARFID, vegetarian, newly lactose intolerant so i'm already restricted as hell) but i fucking did it & now in a week i get to find out if i actually have asymptomatic celiac disease or if there's something else wrong with my stomach & we're back to square one. not actually sure which option i hope for. regardless i am absolutely going to eat wheat again when the endoscopy is over & if i am celiac i'll just uh. budget it.

planned & went on our first real chosen-family-only vacation!

made a lot of client work i'm proud of & some personal work too

got that big shoulder tattoo i've been wanting for years

lived through some miserable stress/grief (on both the personal & global level), which made it even clearer what a good support network i have

moved more money for tzedakah (both regular donations to causes i care about & emergency response fundraiser stuff)

i did a "new year's resolution" bingo sheet this year & i did get a bingo but i'm definitely rolling over a lot of things too. excited to think about what my goals/treats/etc. are for 2024 even though i'm fucking terrified of next globally/politically. we just keep going.

#rambling thoughts #already feeling like i'm struggling to remember a lot of this year. writing things down is good

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mint-berry-crunch · 10 months

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KENNY

KENNY, MY BELOVED!

Oh boy, OH BOY, where to start with this guy?

I think I'll start out with his appearance, then move on to his identity, likes, dislikes, and misc. shit.

But before we get into it, minor TW for mentions (slightly in-depth!) of bad home life, an eating disorder, and mental illnesses. It's the first thing under the cut; I put a ✨ when it's safe to read again.

Ok, so, I definitely hc Kenny as underweight, for more than one reason. One being obviously that his family is poor, and can't afford much food, but I also think that Kenny has an eating disorder. ARFID, to be specific. It's not to lose weight, either; I think it formed because Kenny would rather his little sister Karen get to eat more food than him. His parents are also CLEARLY abusive, it's stated and even outright shown. I think that one of their abusive punishments is withholding food when Kenny does something they perceive as "bad," or even just when he makes them mad.

Kenny, I believe, also has a slew of disorders, mostly from his traumatic life. I think he's got:

ADHD, AFRID, C-PTSD, DPDR, and Cotard's syndrome. The C-PTSD is self explanatory- his life is shit. And I already explained the ARFID. But as for the others, I believe he has: ADHD just based on the actions he takes in the show. DPDR, as a symptom of his C-PTSD, and coping mechanism to the trauma of dying over and over and over. Impossibilities aside, if that were to happen to someone in real life, they would likely have a VERY hard time with their sense of reality. Cotard's syndrome, I considered not listing. Because Kenny really DOES die. But after thinking about it, I DO think he has it. I think his DPDR causes him to not be able to tell if he is really alive, or if he has died yet again.

✨

All the triggering stuff is out of the way now.

I think that Kenny has snake bites and an eyebrow piercing. He just gives those vibes, doesn't he? Like, come on, he TOTALLY has face piercings! Same with a mullet. Like, Kenny is THE most mullet-having mullet haver I've ever seen!! It's less of a "hillbilly country bumpkin" mullet, and more of a tik tok alt mullet, and it actually looks kinda good on him.

I also think he wear Hawaiian shirts under his parka. At first he didn't like them, not even wearing one when he went to Hawaii and just keeping his parka on, but after a little while, he realized that he loved button-up shirts, but that normal button-ups were to formal for him. His solution? Hawaiian shirts.

I think he's genderfluid. Genderfaunet, in specifically. He uses he/him/they pronouns. This is because he's almost always a boy, but is sometimes non-binary, so usually prefers he/him. He's straight and even when he's non-binary, he still calls himself straight. It's just a personal preference of his.

I think Kenny's intelligence is definitely above average. However, his strengths don't lie with schoolwork. Instead, he's better at real-life problem-solving, and emotional intelligence. I'd place his IQ at around 120, although he never got tested. His worst subject in school is math.

Some things he likes are: Rock music, the aquarium, dogs, "bad" weather, nature, sports, urban exploration, social media, cars, and video games.

Some dislikes are: Reading, drawing, writing, speaking (sometimes), school, and closed spaces.

When Kenny gets to be in high school, he works at a gas station with Stan and steals cigarettes from behind the register. Kenny's job as an adult is at Sea World.

Kenny has GOT to be my favorite character. He's funny, but can have serious story lines that you can take seriously, unlike, for example, Cartman. He's got some things about him that are very relatable to me and a lot of other people and he's just overall a great character!

#sorry its not as long as the last one #i love kenny #i was jsut getting tired #south park #kenny mccormick #sp kenny #kenny south park #headcanon #south park headcanons #sp hcs

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opalsiren · 8 months

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i've had an influx of new followers lately so here go some things that might impact how you interact with me:

i am 26 years old as of saturday, if this makes you uncomfy feel free to unfollow/block, or ask me to do so, i will not be offended!!

blank blogs get blocked immediately. would recommend changing your icon or bio, or make a post stating that you are in fact a real person, if you want to lurk

terfs/swerfs get fucked

th*nspo or anything similar gets blocked on sight

on that, i have arfid and sometimes post about it using ample trigger tags. please block '#tw ed' or, again, feel free to unfollow/block if you don't want to interact with anything ed-adjacent

i am an out-and-proud bisexual and, again, even the most lukewarm biphobia will get you blocked. i am not available to discourse about this, ever

i post about my experiences with disability and chronic illness a lot. i try to tag appropriately, but if things like hospital talk or anything tmi-adjacent bothers you, this might not be the blog for you

my inbox and dms are open!! i love getting asks!!! do ask me to tag things, where appropriate. constructive comments are welcome, hate will get you blocked

you can read my fic here if you feel that way inclined

other than that, please enjoy your stay at opalsiren hq ☺️💕

#anyway the main thing is asking me to unfollow or just not interact with your content will never ever be a problem!!! let us all respect #one another's boundaries uwu #.txt

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dimonds456-art · 10 months

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vent art below the cut, as well as an explanation for it. it's a mess on purpose. read the tags.

Starting off positive, here's how I draw myself now :) Style improvement! And my mustache hairs are growing in and one of them is over a centimeter long and it's my pride and joy.

okay now onto everything else. fucking help me. /ns

Gonna start with the butterfly imagery, since it's a reoccurring theme when I talk about my disabilities. The butterfly is because of my Graves Disease, which is a subgenre of hyperthyroidism. What's that? Uh basically there's a gland in your throat called the "thyroid" that's shaped like a butterfly, and it's responsible for your ENTIRE METABOLISM, and mine decided to do cocaine one day and never stopped. This results in increased heartrate, shaky hands, dizziness, and an eye disease where your eyes swell and can make you go blind if not treated.

(and no mine is not currently being treated so. :) )

I've had Graves since middle school, and I will for life. For reference of how bad it got before I got treated after 6 months of suffering, if I ran around outside for 5 minutes my heart rate could get up to 220 BPM. Which can kill you. Somehow I only ever saw stars once.

The next imagery I wanna point out is the layers on me. I show some things as brighter, and there's two layers like that- a bright one and a much dimmer one, which is why I kept this a sketch. The bright one is the surface-level disabilities, such as joint weakness, my eye disease, and my swollen thyroid. The dimmer one is my brain and skeleton. I have never actually broken my bones, but for some reason these days, joint weakness has me and they'll just fucking stop working sometimes for no goddamn reason.

The diamonds on my shirt is obviously a reference to my name, "Dimonds456." The design was actually made by my abuser, and so I actually am starting to have some second thoughts about using this particular design despite how much I love it, thus the shattered idea. Plus, diamonds don't break- they shatter. I'm about to shatter, too, so it's just like me fr.

After that, the text all around me. There are three layers. Let's talk about the black ones first. Those are all my disabilities. That's it. To make it easier to read, they're:

Autism

Anxiety

PTSD

Mental regression (probably because of all the other mental shit I'm dealing with)

Depression

ADHD

Weakness in joints

Inhaler as needed

Tires easily

Abuse

Graves Disease

On meds for life (methimazole literally keeps me alive)

Eye disease

Prone to falling

Eating disorder: ARFID ?????

Asthma

Audio processing disorder

Trauma

:,)

Then, the blue layer. The blue and red layers and kinda having a conversation with each other, with blue being my inner monologue and the red ones being still that, but more intrusive and hopeless. The blue thoughts range from "I can't do this" to "I want to," to "Wait, this is too much" to "STOP" to "THIS IS TOO MUCH" and various stuff like that.

The red texts are much, much more negative. "Running out of time." Never safe. I will never feel safe." "My own body wants me DEAD." "NEVER SAFE." "WHAT IS SAFETY?!" these are my intrusive thoughts, and... yeah. My anxiety and trauma already make me feel like I can never be safe in the spaces I'm in, so when I do actually feel safe with the people or location I'm in, my body's there to remind me that no, I'm not. Because I could literally just die at any goddamn moment.

Which brings me to the scythe. The Reaper. He's close. I'm running out of time. To do what? I don't know, live? Impact people? Fucking exist?

The clock shows that, too.

Finally, the dialogue bubbles. The straw that broke the camel's back in terms of me making this art. My recent doctor visit. I'm trans. I'm a demiboy who just wants to figure out what my fucking gender is. I know I want top surgery, but the dr says I HAVE to start HRT in order to get the surgery I want, which is enbyphobic. I've talked about it with other trans people, and we all agree what the dr told me was fucked.

The other bubbles are other things people have said to me. Particularly, I wanna talk about the "are you ACTUALLY disabled?" one because so so so so so many people have fucking asked me that and I want to scream. Like gee, I dunno, maybe it's all in my head. Maybe I'm normal. Maybe my graves disease was all a FUCKING DREAM. The eating disorder I'm getting now that not even the doctors are sure what the fuck it is wasn't real, I'm just a picky eater and I am just a fucking attention-seeking masochist. SURE. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

Shut the fuck up.

The butterfly is actively choking me. I'm loosing weight. I've felt more anxious recently than I ever have in my fucking life. I have a goddamn eating disorder where I physically CANNOT EAT. It sounds like ARFID but it's also not quite that, I'm in a weird grey area.

i'm 20 years old.

Ever since I got diagnosed with Graves in middle school, I've felt like my existence was defying something. Like I was supposed to die. I also had intense depression at the time, so that definitely added to it, but yeah. Then more happened. I had my first fall. I got put on the wrong dosage and nearly got killed. Struggled to breathe. My eyes tear up more often due to the disease, and I have an aversion to light I didn't have before. The eating disorder. Not to mention my bad knee, weakness in joints, pain in hips, ect.

It just keeps piling up. More, and more, and more, and more disabilities appear and try to catch me by surprise. I got deathly ill last winter. I quit college this year because of the trauma of being outside while on my wrong dosage from last summer. But this time, I'm fucking freezing when I'm anywhere except in the sun, which still makes me feel viscerally uncomfortable, because of whatever the fuck is happening with my eating disorder.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm running out of time. I can't handle another disability. I just can't. If I wind up getting appendicitis or something I'm running back home to my parents and staying there because at least they make me feel SAFE.

I'm not safe. I will never be safe inside this body. I will never feel safe because of my anxiety and trauma. I'm reaching a boiling point where it's starting to spill over onto those around me and I hate it. I am aware that this post is not helping that at all. But... I just don't wanna suffer in silence anymore. I'm tired. I want to be a good memory, but I fear my time is coming and I don't have much more "memory" to make.

I want to be wrong. Please, stars, let me be wrong. Let this all be in my head. Let this all be one big misunderstanding on my part. Please. Please let me wake up and realize that this was all a fucking nightmare.

I can't look at this screen anymore. My eyes hurt and my wrists are starting to give out.

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peachdoxie · 10 months

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Hi! Sorry to bother you. I remember you sharing an article about a disease (maybe a disorder i don’t remember) where the person is super difficult and picky about texture and food. It’s not autism it’s a whole disorder not very known. I can’t find it anymore. So can you kindly tell me the name of this disorder/disease? I think my daughter have this and I want to read more about it and learn to help her and understand her better 🥰 thanks and sorry for my bad english have a great day

Hi anon! What you're looking for is Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, or ARFID for short. I've posted about it under the tag "arfid" before if you want to read more about my experience. I hope that you're able to help your daughter with her struggles. There are more and more resources coming out about ARFID every day. Let me know if you have any other questions :)

#arfid

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fearofahumanplanet · 2 years

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Updated Intro

My Cluster B-exclusive 18+ Discord server can be found here!

Yeah, so my first intro was Bad and I've gotten so much more involved on this site than I thought I would - so it's time to wipe time and do it all again!

Hello, I'm Jane Doe (not my real name - you'd be amazed how many people think so, but really, it's not). I'm a writer and a mouthy sufferer of several personality disorders, and both of these things have kind of become the focus of this blog (bc I can't help but vent in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping).

General Taglist: @aohendo, @athenswrites, @impaledlotus, @bardic-tales, @carefulpyro, @marinesocks, @writingpotato07, @hey-its-quill

MASTERLIST AND WIP INFO AT THE BOTTOM OF POST

This blog contains NSFW (18+) content - I don't really impose any limits on my writing, and it is and has always been an outlet for my trauma! You have been warned.

THIS BLOG IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE A SAFE PLACE FOR ALL LGBT+ & QUEER PEOPLE, ALL CLUSTER B DISORDERS (INCLUDING NPD & ASPD), ALL DISABLED PEOPLE (PHYSICALLY OR MENTALLY), ANYONE OF ANY RACE, ETC. IF YOU'RE A BIGOT IN ANY REGARD, FUCK RIGHT OFF.

Now that we're through with that...

A Little About Me

I am twenty-one years old & Irish-American, I use she/her & it/its pronouns, I am hella LGBT, and I am a loud & proud anarcho-communist

We are a system that suffer from a combination of severe symptoms from all Cluster B personality disorders, but most severely borderline personality disorder (BPD), antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Outside of those I also suffer from dependent personality disorder (DPD), bulimia nervosa + ARFID, chronic insomnia, major depressive disorder, agoraphobia, CPTSD, and am autistic, & with this blog I have decided to make it everyone else's problem :P

I am open to DMs, asks, & tag games at all times! But I may take a bit to get back to you

If you'd like to beta read or just read any of my WIPs, let me know! I usually share PDFs when at least a couple drafts are finished

I have been studying English for about as long as I've lived and writing for about eight years, and I'd like to think I've become pretty damn good at these things. I love beta reading and helping to edit other people's works, so if you have a WIP and you'd like some help, feel free to contact me (ESPECIALLY if it fits snugly into my interests).

Outside of writing, I have a deep love for horror movies & games, video games (especially first-person shooters & roguelikes), HEMA, reading (of course), punk & metal music, snakes & dogs, psychology & philosophy, and staying awake long enough to make inadvised chaotic decisions without a worry. Recommend me music of any kind, please!

I have also devoted almost a decade of my life to studying mythology, theology, history & culture all around the world - I find these things endlessly fascinating, brilliant, and inspiring, and I am always eager to find out more about foreign cultures! If you need any help regarding mythology/theology (basically anything there) or specific parts of history (ask!) feel free to message or ask me!

Stuff Regarding My Writing

I am an all-around speculative/weird fiction writer, though I am willing to try literally anything if the idea intrigues me enough. That being said, almost all of my work returns to horror eventually, as it is my beloved and my most faithful muse. Besides horror, some of my other favorite genres to write include dark fantasy, urban fantasy, historical fiction, noir, & cyberpunk.

My writing style itself is a mix of a more casual style with more complex words & obscure references mixed in. My work tends to be quite bleak & dark in content, as it started as a coping mechanism for my trauma, but I don't believe in grimdark stories and I work to make sure there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, however dim. There is also, very frequently, stylized and detailed gore & elaborate, over-the-top action in my work.

My writing takes a very psychological, character-driven bent at all times - I feel no shame in having simpler plots so that I can focus on the mindsets of traumatized and fucked-up people. Mental health is a primary focus in all of my writing, and I tend to feature antiheroes or legitimate villains as protagonists.

Black-and-white morals are a thing of fiction in my work - with the rarest of exceptions, I strive to discard "good and evil" as constructs entirely and write human beings instead.

I usually write female protagonists and/or protagonists of marginalized & underrepresented groups. Everything I write will have some LGBT people somewhere, it's a guarantee.

Thanks to my areas of study, I also write a lot about mythology & theology - good luck finding a single project of mine that doesn't sneak in a reference to some god somewhere, if not straight up including them. I also really enjoy ancient literature and will frequently incorporate references or quotes from older epics. Drinking game: Take one shot every time I reference Dante's Inferno in something (don't actually do this for your own safety)

While my settings & stories tend to be very fantastical, I always seek to ground them in reality as much as I can and give them a grittier feel - combat in my stuff is a lot less cartoony and a lot more focused on broken bones and bloody bodies. I also write HEAVILY about real-world politics with an explicitly leftist anarchist view, so if that's not something you're prepared to deal with, I'd advise you turn around now.

My Current WIPs...

Karma Killer (full post here) - Slasher, Psychological Horror. In the fictional mountain town of Lake Leer, Colorado, a bullied teen named Kora Lynch is driven to suicide, only to be saved by a wrathful goddess and given a kabuki mask and the ability to know anyone's sins with a mere glance. Indebted to her new lord, Kora takes up the name of "Karma" and begins tormenting the people who drove her to die - only to start losing herself and her ideals with every bloody body she leaves behind her.

The Serpents They Stone (full post here) - Mythological Urban Fantasy, Cyberpunk. In an alternate version of our world where gods lived alongside humankind and brought them to a new level of technological prosperity, the dreaded World Serpent Jörmungandr reveals herself to have survived Ragnarok while rescuing her villainous old flame, the Phantom Queen Badb. Quickly finding herself pursued by the entire world for the prophecy that promises she will end the world, Jörmungandr dedicates herself to saving Badb from the "Black Pharaoh" that enslaves her - even as Badb is forcibly driven to remain sinister and create chaos.

Miasma (full post here) - Historical Dark Fantasy. Based on the Anglo-Norman invasion of Ireland & the later Black Death, the island of Ériu is besieged by the foreign Anglii and their High King is killed. His daughter, Hail, dies with him, but she is resurrected by the serpent goddess Corchen with one objective - to kill King Godric across the ocean, no matter the cost. Her mission soon intertwines with that of a mysterious plague doctor's, who seeks to stop an oncoming plague - one that could spell the end of all life.

Short Story Masterlist

D.N.R. (Character study about BPD) (full story here)

Ghost (Dungeon-punk horror) (full story here)

rusted from the rain. (Folk horror) (full story here)

#intro #writing #writeblr #writers on tumblr #bpd #actually borderline #actually bpd #vent blog #masterlist #wip list

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thank-god-and-you · 8 months

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I was tagged by @markcampbells--thank you! <3

Last song: It Is What It Is by Lifehouse.

Favourite colour: Green!

Currently watching: Oh, I've got absolutely too many shows on the go, it's no wonder it takes me forever to get through anything. Some of these I've been catching up with for literal years because I watch like one episode a month or something, LOL. Various YouTube game playthroughs, Call the Midwife, The Crown, Jurassic World: Camp Cretaceous, Orange is the New Black, Easy, Sanditon, Benidorm, The Office US, 30 Rock, Keeping up Appearances, a few reality shows, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Pokémon, The Bear, Riches.

Last movie: Aladdin: The Return of Jafar. Working my way through Disney movies that I haven't seen before and that was one of them.

Currently reading: The book that I pick up once a week and read a few pages of in between writing: The Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman, which I am enjoying. The book I've been reading every night before bed: The Last Thing He Told Me by Laura Dave, which I knew within a few pages I would not enjoy, and wouldn't have picked myself (Mum panicked and picked it as part of a buy-one-get-one-half-price deal alongside another book which I haven't opened yet), but once I'd started I couldn't not finish. I'll be finishing it off tonight, which I'm glad about. I'll be starting The Centre by Ayesha Manazir Siddiqui tomorrow (audiobook version because I am a simple bi woman who just wants to listen to Balvinder Sopal's voice for eight-and-a-half hours).

Sweet/spicy/savory: Sweet, though I am highly constrained by my ARFID.

Relationship status: Likely gonna be single forever. I have severe anxieties about dating because of body image/ARFID, so yeah. Most of the time I'm fine with that. Other times I feel like I'm in a glass box watching life pass me by.

Current obsession: If you'd told me five years ago that I'd be leaving my twenties completely and utterly obsessed with a soap couple, I would have laughed in your face. But the power of lesbians, I guess! My life basically revolves around Suki Panesar/Eve Unwin at the moment.

Last thing I Googled: The location of a sex shop in Leeds. It was for fic purposes, LOL.

Currently working on: Literally so many fics! (Mix of actual titles and doc placeholder names below.)

Anna/Bates: A Sky Full of Stars, blindfold, come here, Feb 21 Prompt, Friday Afternoon, Key Details, Let's Get Quizical, Made of Starlight, Say My Name, Secretum Lingua Caritate, Sehnsucht, The Moral of the Story, Throw Away the Key, web cam

Suki/Eve: leedsgate, A Stained Glass Variation of the Truth, pride, revenge, phone, picture, prompts, boxing, Our Once Barren World Now Brims with Life, Our Legacies Hide in the Embers, And Beauty There Echoes the Speck of Our Souls

Dany/Jorah: Vivat Crescat Floreat, Aut Vincere Aut Mori, warm soup

Anne/Ann: pony, eager, confrontation, Takes Courage and Madness to Live As We Do

Bob/Helen: superheroes, did you sleep with her

Felix/Calhoun: fear is a four letter word, bed sharing

#personal #ask memes #thanks for the tag! <3

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radishhqueen · 1 year

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i know I've talked about it a few times on the internet in passing, but i have an eating disorder called ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). kinda does what it says on the tin. every ARFID-haver has a different experience, with different bad foods and safe foods, and for different reasons, but it mostly boils down to avoiding eating for reasons related to 1) bad textures 2) fear of vomiting/getting sick and/or 3) just a general lack of interest.

buzzfeed just published an article yesterday detailing a bit more about ARFID and some quotes from some individuals who have it. since it wasn't added to the DSM until 2013, it's still not widely known about. i didn't have a name for the thing that framed my whole relationship with food until 2020! it would mean a lot to me if people could take the time to read the article and maybe share it around. :)

a little bit about my experiences with ARFID below the cut:

tl;dr: the more people are aware of ARFID, the more likely people are to get helped. more info on the r/ARFID subreddit. if this sounds like you, you're not the only one going through this!

I'm very lucky in the sense that I've gotten a lot better at eating since i was a kid. most of my problems with food are related to texture, and my bad textures pretty much rule out all meats, fish, poultry, and a lot of mushy things, like mashed potatoes and cooked onions. these textures make up a lot of my region's cultural foods, so growing up i had a solid 10-15 foods that i could reliably eat, and i started showing signs of ARFID as soon as my parents started giving me solid foods.

i was accused as a kid of being a picky eater, and was told I'd grow out of it. the thing is: i desperately wanted to be able to eat normally! i wanted to be able to eat whatever my family cooked, or go over to a friend's house without being scared of what was for dinner! but if i tried to eat anything with a "bad texture", I'd end up gagging and eventually throwing up. this is not pleasant for anyone involved. this quickly turned into an aversion to trying new things, as i was scared of gagging and the annoyance of the people around me.

throughout all of this, i never met anyone who had similar issues to me. adults in my life would compare it to how they didn't like XYZ food as a child, but eventually got over it. i kept waiting for the magic switch in my brain to flip over, and it didn't. i had a lot of mental health issues as a kid unrelated to food, but the shame and loneliness i felt around eating certainly did not help.

the magic switch in my brain never flipped. it still hasn't. what did change was I moved out and suddenly had complete control over my own diet. for the first time, i didn't have to force myself to try to eat food without throwing up. my friends in college didn't even know about my extensive issues with food until i told them. but once I had that judgment free space, i was able to push at those boundaries that had been encroaching, and become more and more comfortable with a wider variety of foods.

nowadays, i don't worry about going to restaurants or eating at other people's houses. i still don't eat meat, poultry, or fish. I still can't eat a lot of mushy foods. what changed was suddenly having the space to accept my eating for what it was, and be okay with failing to eat new things. increased anxiety due to the pandemic and y'know. the world. has definitely made food a lot more difficult for me again, but this time i have the support of a community behind me, and it makes a world of difference.

i have to emphasize, throughout all of this i was incredibly lonely. i didn't have the words to describe what i was going through. food has a huge cultural importance, and it was something that i felt disconnected from. i can't blame my parents, because they thought they were doing the right thing, and there was absolutely no guidance on this sort of thing. again: ARFID wasn't added to the DSM until 2013. it is still not widely known about. i have never had a doctor that has already known about ARFID, and i have bounced between a lot of doctors.

if any of this resonates with you, there's an active community on the r/ARFID subreddit. i personally am a member of the associated discord server, and it's been a really great experience to meet a bunch of people who are also dealing with the issues I'd faced alone for my entire life. you're not alone 💕

#radish #tw ed #tw eating disorder #arfid #sorry for getting personal on main but i saw the buzzfeed article this afternoon and cried #i wrote this in one sitting on my phone i just gotta get it out into the world yknow??

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queer-adhd · 2 years

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TW disordered eating ; TW neglect ; TW self harm mention

I was wondering if you or your followers have advice for me, since you have so many neurodivergent followers. I've already got a dietician helping me out with the food part, but I'm struggling with the autistic/ADHD part.

At the age of 31 I found out I have a ton of food allergies and intolerances. Apparently I've also developed a histamine intolerance along the way.

This suddenly put a lot of things in perspective: I've always struggled with food, and I realised this is because my parents/childhood environment didn't take these issues seriously and just continually told me to stop making a fuss and finish my plate.

I think I ended up developing ARFID because of this. Seemingly everything I ate made me sick so I just stopped eating unless I was on the verge of fainting, or unless my ADHD made me seek out dopamine (back when I was still unmedicated). I think the fainting thing might be hypoglycemia? I was always told that's a diabetes-only thing but the symptoms match up with how I felt the majority of my life and I recently read it can also be caused by eating disorders.

Thanks to my dietician, I now know what I can digest and what I can't and it's had a major positive effect on my health so far. We've been working on these issues for a year or so now. She's been amazing for the food part, but doesn't know anything about neurodiversity.

I keep getting stuck on the brain part of recovery. I've regained my ability to distinguish nausea from hunger, but I still constantly forget to eat. I've trained myself my entire life to ignore hunger. My sense of time is really bad, so a day will pass by and I'll only realise I forgot to eat all day around dinner time. My ADHD meds probably diminish my sense of hunger too. I enjoy cooking but executive dysfunction makes it hard even though I know I need fresh foods for the histamine thing. My ADHD makes me crave things I can't have whenever my menstrual cycle makes my meds less effective: I make sure I don't have any around, but the dopamine seeking thing makes it hard to eat something else at those times. Autistic sensory issues give me trouble with some safe foods which makes having a balanced diet difficult. I've also just been struggling to find safe foods in general because the various allergies are hard to combine and it takes a lot of research/focus to find new things I can safely add to my diet.

It's also taken me a long time to accept this is a type of eating disorder. Most doctors I talked to about these issues basically reacted the same way my parents did before I found my current dietician. So while I objectively know it's not my fault, I still constantly have to remind myself that I'm not just being difficult and that I really do need all of this. I try to do this with CBT techniques, but I also noticed a problematic trend: I don't seek out allergic reactions, but whenever I do react it feels like a validation of my struggles being real now that I know how to identify an allergic reaction. While I think I'm dealing OK with this at the moment, I'm kinda worried this has the potential to turn into a type of self-harm if my mental health were to take a bad turn in the future. I've already told my therapist, but she's not entirely sure how to deal with this either. (She's looking into it though.)

I can't be the only person struggling with issues like these? Given how ADHD/autism and allergies/histamine issues are comorbid. Does anyone recognise this situation? Any tips on how to deal with it? Or Tumblr/Discord/Reddit groups that talk about this? Or should I just give it more time?

END TW

Thank you for running this blog, by the way. Seeing other people's asks here and at Rouke's place has helped me figure out a few other minor health issues too. Your blogs seem to have had a positive impact for a lot of people. Really makes me appreciate the power of community.

So guess who had a response to this in his drafts and then got punched in the face by life repeatedly. Sorry! Here's what I had in drafts:

Ahhh I'm really glad that we've been able to help, even if it's just by linking people to other people who might know how to help better than us.

So I can't offer help on everything but I can confirm that ADHD also makes me forget to eat, and having a structured life kinda helps. I bring lunch to work with me and lunch break is a set time every day where everyone in my office stops to eat, so I don't forget.

I also think that possibly one of these might be helpful:

It's a vibrating wristwatch; it's got ten different alarms, so they're most often used for medication reminders but they're also honestly great for reminding you to eat. They're physical so they don't get silenced when I put my phone on do not disturb, and they haven't set off my sensory issues.

The lights are usually off unless you click the button to check, so the battery life is good and it's rechargeable via micro-usb cable instead of battery replacements.

Also, generally speaking I'd say that a safe food is better than no food or not enough food. Even if you're not managing to eat super healthy or whatever, jump on the opportunities you get where your brain or body says yes, particularly if they're rare.

Regarding the self harm aspect, I've definitely struggled with something similar. It's hard. Feeling validated like that is something very appealing, even if it's objectively miserable. I'd say that as long as you're not seeking them out, it's not too much of an issue. Maybe try and keep track of how often you find this happening; if there's an uptick, then it's time to break out the CBT and also potentially address any stressors in your life that might be contributing.

Also yes ADHD in general can be a contributor to disordered eating; our dopamine pathways are fucked. Food can be a major issue because of that.

As per, please anyone who knows more or has any insight chime in?

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ashingfireuniverse · 2 years

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Hi I'm alive and well as I'm sure all of you are aware. What you might not be aware of however is my next steps in life. I'm taking a break from school. The reason for this decision is due to my health. As most of you in my life are aware, I've always been a picky eater. My sort of form of picky eating has a name though, it's called Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder or ARFID for short. It's pretty serious believe it or not. I've been going to therapy for years now and I've just now found someone who did the research and actually listened to what I had to say about my eating habits. I am being admitted to an eating disorder hospital in a week or two actually. I'm being admitted under the highest level of care they offer. Now with covid being a thing I won't be there 24/7 like I should be. I get to come home everyday but I am having to take a medical leave from work. I get to the place at 7 AM and leave at around dinner time. This program is still no joke though. I'll be doing as much as possible within the time I'm there and making sure that I'm well taken care of. I'll be off on weekends completely so I can still sort of visit and live a somewhat normal life. It's gonna be a big culture shock but it's what I need to do. I've had an eating disorder since I was two years old. I am now 21 and am sick of having a bad relationship with food. I want to get better and I want to take my health seriously. I felt like you guys should know what's going on with me. I'm gonna be ok don't worry. I don't know how long I'll be doing this program but I'm hopeful for this change. Change is scary but I can't keep living like this. If you took the time to read this, I appreciate it. Sorry to sorta throw this your way but I figured y'all should know. I'll be happy to answer questions and document my journey!

#ashingfireuniverse #me #my face #arfid #arfid tag #arfid problems #tw arfid #tw eating issues #tw ed #ed content #recovery

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freezethebeez · 1 year

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Okay a Tommy chapter would be fine. Fun, even. But please please please I'm begging you to work a little on how you write restrictive eating disorders.

It's not about not being hungry. AT ALL. Unless you're fasting for more than four days (and, please, PLEASE emphasise that if Tommy ever fasted longer than a day, he would be counting the hours religiously), the hunger is constantly present. After about the four day mark, it eases up, but you're still obsessed with food, and you would not be able to act normal.

You've also said that the challenge with helping Tommy was starting him off with a slice of toast and working his way up, and even once he was eating full meals, he still struggled with every bite. Now listen. If you have been purposefully - and I mean PURPOSEFULLY, which is the very definition of anorexia nervosa - starving yourself, then the second you start eating more, you're going to be hungry. He was IN HOSPITAL. At that point, he's forced to eat more whether he likes it or not, and the hunger would hit him hard. And it would be uncontrollable. You've written it really well with Ranboo, but it would work even better for Tommy - especially if you can factor in the terror of him losing himself. If he's built his identity on eating as little as possible, it'll be nightmarish when he's suddenly clearing out the cupboard. But it will happen nonetheless.

Anorexia nervosa is not accidental. And it's not about not caring about food. Please, please don't confuse it with ARFID or lack of appetite. It tends to only reach that level of disinterest in eating during the late (and by 'late' I mean terminal) stages.

I think it's easier to write if you look at it as OCD - with which there's an EXTREME overlap. The obsession can be anything - fear of being fat, of being unlovable, of eating and eating and eating because god knows that if you started you wouldn't stop. Maybe Tommy just wants to feel small again so his dad will stop thinking he's strong enough to take care of himself. And the compulsion is obvious - it's hunger, and numbers. About a million sets of them. It's numbers as punishment, and numbers to stop the pain, and numbers as a way of describing what it feels like to hollow yourself out and scrape away your insides. But it's never, ever going to be an unconscious action. Anorexia nervosa is not a default. A default coping mechanism, maybe, but not from birth. Please keep in mind that Tommy could not be doing this unconsciously.

Also there was that one part in the chapter 21 when Tubbo checks for cuts. If Tommy cut there previously, the skin wouldn't be smooth. The skin will never be smooth. There's a good metaphor in there somewhere, and I sure hope you use it.

Sorry about all this. Every other Sunday I say YIPPEE!!!!! IT'S CATALYST SATURDAY!!!!!!!! So I love your work and also everything about you

thank you so much for this. constructive criticism is something i think i need more of, honestly.

anything related to eating disorders in catalyst is based on my own experience with them. i did take a few guesses for some parts (like tommy being hospitalized. i never was), but for the most part, i'm going off memory.

i've been recovered for about two years now, so while i remember some of my lowest moments, the day-to-day stuff has completely left me.

this probably isn't noticeable at all in catalyst (which is completely my bad for not making it clear or mentioning it at all), but tommy's not actually worried about the hunger, hunger is just a byproduct. he is very concerned about the numbers. and the only point where that would have been implied was when tommy was reading the poem in tubbo's dream (“Numbers don't mean as much to me anymore. The calculator in my brain has lost its batteries" which is SUPER implicit and i should probably clear that up).

i have a small backstory for tommy somewhat written in my drafts. in it, it's clear that he's focused on numbers— focused on them because it's the only sense of control in his life— as well as what happens when you present him with a hamburger and tell him to eat it (which is entirely based on a time in which i stared at a hamburger, debating whether or not i should eat it, and started crying. one of the many fond memories of which you're allowed to giggle at because i find them funny now). i'm aware that one does not act normal when you have are numbers in the brain. i remember getting a low mark on a math test (ironically enough) because i literally could not think of anything else besides what i ate that day, and what i had left.

tommy starting out small and working up to bigger meals was how i got better on my own (which i had to do. i wasn't able to see a therapist at the time and i knew there was a problem so i did my best to fix it. it wasn't easy, nor fun, nor was the process linear). again, i have never been hospitalized, so i really don't know what happens there. my road to recovery was essentially "still don't eat a lot, like, just a little more than usual, but also workout more because that's definitely healthier" and after that everything just kind of blurred. the exercise put me in a better headspace and got me out of that cycle, and i was kind of my own therapist at the time.

so yeah, i don't actually know how proper anorexia recovery goes, because i never had it, and i haven't seen anyone go into super high detail about it. i know they usually get a nutritionist, but i've never seen one so it's tough to write about, especially in high detail. if you or anyone else has information, i'd love to learn about it as long as you're comfortable sharing.

(additionally: tommy has a therapist, but no nutritionist because phil didn't see the point in that part, deciding that he can make sure tommy's eating when bee's meant to be. phil forgets about this as well, and tommy's left to his own devices.)

i'm aware that anorexia is not subconscious, and the more i think about it the more i realize that tommy's entire backstory is unknown. and it's not because i've been hiding it from you, it's just because i never get the chance to talk about it in full, and a lot of details go missing (i'll continue to work on that because that isn't good storytelling lol).

(and the reason why tommy's relationship towards food is messed up could also be because of ocd, which is something i didn't know i had at the time of my own eating disorder. you're so right, the overlap is actually wild.)

catalyst follows the dream smp timeline before the fic starts (when the fic starts, it derails), thus meaning that exile was translated into the catalyst universe in the form of dream (tommy's english teacher) keeping tommy behind after classes for extended hours to make sure he was getting his work done (he was) and just sort of torture him i guess.

tommy, now feeling a lack of control in his life, decided to limit his eating and lower his body weight because maybe dream would let him go if he looked too sick to be there. maybe dream would stop hurting him if he looked fragile. he was living on a hope and a prayer that it would all stop if he were just smaller. spoiler alert: it didn't, and now tommy's stuck in this awful cycle where every year around christmas (where dream's hellscape of a detention would kick up into overdrive before the holiday break) he goes back to those old habits because it just feels right. he's compelled to go back to it because it was easier to sleep all day and pass the time, and everyone always treated him a bit better when he was sick anyway— no one would dare hurt him.

as for the last point about cuts: i don't have experience with cutting myself, so i can definitely understand how that part would be inaccurate, and i take full responsibility for that. the adjective "smooth" was meant to be interpreted as "there's nothing fresh here."

thank you this, by the way!! constructive criticism is something i don't receive enough of, and just typing this out has made me realize where my storytelling is lacking. i've got a part in ch 23 where i can establish a little bit more of tommy's character and clear up some things. once the fic is completed, i'll also go back to past chapters and try to sprinkle in a few more details, or have scenes where topics are further discussed, especially about characters going through serious things like that.

responding to your message has been an entirely positive experience for me, so again, thank you!!

#catalyst #people asking me things #tw eating disorder #thank you again anon this is fantastic #and any other constructive criticism is welcome!!#because otherwise i would have just kept doing what i was doing and some stuff might never have been brought up

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