#if you can tell that everybody has the responsibility to cultivate a safe world for the vulnerable among us but can't see how that extends

[feluka]

completely serious when i say if you can't see our collective responsibility to care for children i've entirely dismissed you as a person and don't want to hear a single thing you say

#watch someone interpret this as 'you're DEMANDING that i BIRTH A CHILD???? and SUCCUMB to SOCIETAL PRESSURES you PIECE OF SHIT???' #or something like that #if you can tell that everybody has the responsibility to cultivate a safe world for the vulnerable among us but can't see how that extends #to children - you're an idiot!

[vrishchikawrites]

Are you still taking prompts?

Cause if so, I'd love to see a time travel fic where post-canon WWX and LWJ get yeeted back into their younger bodies, and land just before the GC transfer. And Post-Canon WWX - who's had some years of being a part of a loving, supportive family, in a non-toxic, non-abusive environment; and therefore no longer has any misconceptions about how much the Jiangs were not his family - takes one look at JC lying there on the table in the cave after WQ knocked him out (and is now in the middle of prepping for surgery); and just goes, "LOL, yeah; nope.😆 Been there, done that; 10/10, would not recommend.😝 Hey, WQ - change of plans!😎"

(Except, you know, not written like crack. 😉)

Not necessary to include, but a fun idea:

JC gets dragged along to the past as well because he has WWX's GC; so whatever sent them back mistook him for part of WWX and brought him along.

So when he wakes up from the anaesthesia, he freaks out about not having a GC anymore. And WWX has this whole story ready to tell young JC about how, "Oops, sorry; you can't have a new GC after all" - but this is Post-Canon JC; so he knows about the transfer, and knows that this means that WWX decided not to do it again.

Which means he ends up screaming at WWX about, "How dare you not give me your GC!"

So WWX feels exactly zero sympathy.

(Before that happened he was maybe feeling a little bit bad for young JC; because that JC hadn't done anything too bad yet - but he already knew how it would turn out if he went through with it. And he was not giving up his chance to cultivate to immortality with his hubby; just so that JC could Feel Like A Real Man, and go on to murder his way through life again.)

What would be really, really great about this, is if WWX had brought JC to Qinghe or Gusu; or somewhere the other cultivation sects involved in the SSC had gathered, before JC woke up. Planning to leave him there where he would be safe. So when JC wakes up and starts screaming, everybody hears him.

And they're all like, "...WUT."🤤

"You expected him to do what?!?"😲😨😱

So instead of all the sympathy and compassion, etc, that he would have gotten over what happened at LP (that he probably did get the first time), or for losing his GC; basically the entire allied cultivation world as a whole is collectively side-eyeing him.

IDK; I just think it would be really funny.

But mainly, I just want to see WWX a few years post-canon; having the chance to do it all again, and choosing not to go through with the GC transfer. LWJ going with him is because the thought of post-canon LWJ losing his WWX makes me sad; and I want them to stay together. 😋

Post-Canon JC going back and getting stuck with the coreless body he deserved is just for my own catharsis.

(The rest of that idea is simply for the lulz.) 😉

(I decided not to include JC traveling back in time. Hope this works and satisfies you!)

“No, I don’t.” Wei Wuxian sees Wen Qing blink and stare at him while Wen Ning stills in the process of making Jiang Cheng comfortable.

“What?” Wen Qing asks but rethinks it immediately, “No, no need to answer that.” She starts packing away her instruments immediately like she’s glad that Wei Wuxian has changed his mind. He looks at her and feels aching fondness rise in his chest. She must be frustrated that he made her go through all of that trouble and yet she still chooses to move before he can change his mind again.

“What… are we going to tell Jiang-gongzi?” Wen Ning asks tentatively but Wei Wuxian notes the faint look of relief in the boy’s eyes.

“We’ll tell him the treatment wasn't possible,” He says, glancing at his… former shidi. It isn’t an easy decision to make, because he knows Jiang Cheng would suffer for it. A part of him feels like he’s being unnecessarily cruel by denying Jiang Cheng his core.

But he has already paid his debt and it cost countless people their lives. Jiang Cheng’s actions didn’t just lead to the death of the Wens. Lan Zhan had told him about the numerous ‘demonic cultivators’ Jiang Cheng had pursued relentlessly. Even his love wasn’t certain how many people died or were tormented to insanity because of Jiang Cheng’s persistence.

While Wei Wuxian doesn’t intend to let the situation get so out of hand, it is apparent that Jiang Cheng can’t be trusted with power.

He is worried about how Jiang Cheng would react. Wei Wuxian had promised him a core, after all. But whatever happens, a powerless Jiang Cheng is safer for everyone.

“We’ll tell him that rebuilding the core is impossible because Wen Zhuliu destroyed his meridians as well.”

“He has,” Wen Qing points out, “I was about to repair them.”

Wei Wuxian frowns, “And can you repair them still? Without transferring the core?” That would certainly help Jiang Cheng heal faster and accept some spiritual energy transfusions. Wen Qing looks at Jiang Cheng with a frown and nods.

“Wei-gongzi… what changed your mind?” Wen Ning asks as Wen Qing goes to work immediately. Wei Wuxian knows that if he has to help the Wens, he needs to tell them the truth. While Wen Ning would trust him and accept his explanation without too many questions, Wen Qing wouldn’t be so easy.

Wei Wuxian takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, getting his thoughts in order. When he opens them again, both of the Wens are looking at him with frowns.

He grins wryly and spreads his hands, "I have a tale for you, my dear friends."

-

Jin Guangyao needed to have his last 'hurrah'. He just couldn't leave them be, even as he died. Whatever he did, whatever tool he used, it sent a shockwave of Resentful Energy that would've killed them all.

As always, Wei Wuxian stepped forward to protect people. As always, Lan Wangji stepped forward to protect him.

Wei Wuxian gritted his teeth and changed his plan at the last moment. At first, he wanted to absorb the energy and channel it somewhere else. But with so many people just lingering instead of running, he needed a different solution.

His mind flashed, he saw Jiang Cheng, and decided.

A forbidden array formed.

-

"I needed something that would use up all of the Resentful Energy and protect everyone, including Lan Zhan."

"So, at the last moment and on the verge of dying, you chose something as improbable as time travel." Wen Qing deadpans. Wen Ning is looking at him with wide eyes. Strangely enough, both look like they believe him. Well, he did mention a few things, personal incidents, that he had no way of knowing if the Wens hadn't told him.

Still.

"I'm not the one for regrets," He says softly as he looks at Jiang Cheng, "But I thought that array was the safest solution. It doesn't harm the current timeline so everyone is safe. Lan Zhan, I know, wouldn't mind following my lead in this." He did regret taking Zewu-jun's brother away from him after such a traumatic event but there really was no other option. Not with Jin Ling so close and so many innocent people in the vicinity.

Wei Wuxian is quite certain that the blast would've destroyed everything around them, including the innocent people around the Guanyin Temple complex.

The siblings exchange glances before Wen Qing returns to Jiang Cheng's side, preparing to work on his meridians, "You're going to change things." She observes, "Save people?"

"Save you and Wen Ning. Save Jiang Yanli. Save innocents, yes."

Wen Qing freezes.

---

Lan Wangji doesn't know what Wei Ying did but he trusts his beloved. When he finds himself in the past, just before the Sunshot Campaign begins and shortly after the fall of the Lotus Pier, he doesn't hesitate.

He knows that his brother is safe and his uncle is managing things at Cloud Recesses. But he also knows that somewhere out there, his beloved is preparing himself for a risky, painful procedure.

Wangji can't let that happen. He thinks back on everything Wen Ning shared with him about the incident, particularly the location of where it occurred. He's probably too late to stop the transfer but perhaps not late enough to stop the Wens from finding Wei Ying.

It takes him days to reach Yiling without the aid of Bichen but he manages and immediately heads towards the approximate location Wen Ning had mentioned.

"Wei Ying," He breathes softly when he spots his beloved shopping for some supplies. He hadn't anticipated finding him so soon but is grateful nonetheless.

Wei Ying is dressed like a peasant and blends in well with the people around him but Wangji can recognize him anywhere.

Dressed discreetly and without his forehead ribbon, Wangji too is inconspicuous. He moves swiftly towards Wei Ying and catches his elbow, eyeing the people in red and white uniform at the far end of the street warily.

"Come." He whispers.

Wei Ying doesn't say a word, just paying the vendor and following Wangji into a more discreet location.

Wangji looks at his beloved's face, drinking in his bright silver eyes and sharp features with acute relief.

"Wei Ying, you… you look well." Strangely so, for someone who has just given up his Golden Core.

Hope stirs in his chest and Wangji reaches for Wei Ying's wrist.

His love's lips quirk in amusement, but Wangji ignores him, focusing on sending his spiritual energy through Wei Ying's meridians.

A strong core pulses in response.

"Wei Ying," Something bright and triumphant burns in his chest and he resists the urge to pull his beloved into a crushing embrace.

He would've supported Wei Ying's decision to give up his core and cultivate with resentful energy again. He knew it wasn't evil or harmful now.

But Wei Ying chose himself. His beloved had finally chosen to save himself.

"Aiya, Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying laughs, "If you keep looking at me like that, I'll do something quite shameless and embarra-"

Wangji kisses him.

He cups that precious face, pulls him close, and slides his lips over soft flesh in a tender expression of love he can't contain.

Wei Ying chose himself.

---

Jiang Cheng returns from his trip to the mountain with a thunderous expression on his face.

He disregards Lan Zhan and grabs Wei Wuxian's arm in a tough grip, dragging him away from the crowded tea house. Lan Zhan follows without a word, his expression frosty and eyes on Jiang Cheng.

"Your Grandmaster," He spits, "Is just as useless and worthless as you. All she could do is repair my meridians! My body was too damaged for anything else, she said!"

Wei Wuxian knows Wen Qing wrote the note they left by Jiang Cheng's side but he hadn't known what she had written.

It must've been reasonably convincing for Jiang Cheng to be convinced.

"That's-" He searches his mind to find words that would be appropriately sympathetic. Saying 'that's too bad' would be just rubbing salt on an open wound.

He may dislike Jiang Cheng, but some of the childhood affection still lingers. He doesn't wish to hurt his former shidi.

"I didn't know," He says finally, his heart throbbing in sympathy at Jiang Cheng's devastated expression. He briefly reconsiders his decision but Lan Zhan shifts discreetly by his side and Wei Wuxian remembers why he made that decision in the first place.

Jiang Cheng had been unworthy of the gift he had been given.

His shidi snarls and turns to Lan Zhan, "What are you doing here, Lan er-gonzi," He snarls, "Coming to triumph in our misery?"

Lan Zhan looks at him flatly, "I came to assist Wei Ying."

"Came to assist Wei Ying," Jiang Cheng mocks, his expression tight and furious, "Well, you're welcome to take him away! There's nothing left for him to destroy. Everything is gone. He invited the wrath of the Wens on our heads to protect you and that led to the destruction of my sect. He couldn't even repay that debt. His Grandmaster failed."

Jiang Cheng turns hate-filled eyes towards him, "You are a curse. My father should have left you to rot on the streets!"

"Jiang Wanyin!" Lan Zhan warns but Wei Wuxian places a hand on the Second Jade's arm to halt him.

"I'm taking you to Meishan to be with shijie." Wei Wuxian says calmly, "And then I'll go join the war efforts."

Jiang Cheng sneers before turning his head away, silent.

Wei Wuxian does as he says. He leaves Jiang Cheng in Jiang Yanli's care and heads to Qinghe with Lan Zhan. The war goes differently than before. He manages to kill Wen Zhuliu and Wen Chao early, which gives them a big morale boost. But that's the only thing that goes their way for a long time.

"I'm going to use it," He tells Lan Zhan once, when the scales tip dangerously in the Wen's favor.

Lan Zhan studies him before nodding gracefully, "I will help."

There's no way to avoid using his cultivation method, not if he wants to keep people safe. He's more careful and restrained this time and he doesn't create the Yīn Hǔ Fú. But Mo Dao is Mo Dao. It attracts disapproval from people regardless.

Wei Wuxian doesn't care and Lan Zhan stays by his side without paying any heed to the grumblings of his clan. He goes to sleep every night with Lan Zhan's guqin notes in his ear and meditates every morning with the Cleansing purging the Resentful Energy from his body.

With a powerful and active Golden Core, Wei Wuxian can't use Mo Dao liberally without risking Qi Deviation. But he uses enough to help them win the war.

Wei Wuxian successfully retakes Lotus Pier and Yunmeng from the Wens. Jiang Cheng's hatred doesn't diminish and even Jiang Yanli grows distant after a while. Jiang Cheng's suffering and downfall hardens something in his soft shijie.

Wei Wuxian accepts that consequence quietly.

He hands Lotus Pier back to Jiang Cheng and stays on the front lines, leaving most of the freshly recruited disciples behind to protect his former martial siblings. When the war ends, argues to keep the Wen cultivators in better conditions. He makes sure everyone knows how much the Jiangs owe the Wen siblings, and saves the children and elderly.

With Jiang Cheng out of the Cultivation World and Wei Wuxian's reputation as a war hero, saving the Wen remnants is easier than it had been before.

---

Everyone is baffled when Jiang Wanyin names a new head disciple and Wei Wuxian never returns to Yunmeng. People gossip, sect leaders question, and new Jiang disciple flounder.

Neither Jiang Wanyin nor Wei Wuxian confirms it but it is clear to everyone that the Jiang Sect has, foolishly, kicked out its most powerful disciple. YunmengJiang remains wealthy but the Sect's influence diminishes significantly once Wei Wuxian leaves.

Other Sects, big and small, scramble to find Wei Wuxian, ready to offer him a place and get a powerful cultivator in their ranks. Letters pour in promising wealth and prestige.

Wei Wuxian ignores them all and settles in Cloud Recesses. He's content to teach a group of eye-wide Lan ducklings now to deal with resentful energy and limit the risk of Qi Deviation. He takes them on Nighthunts, teaches them real-life lessons, encourages creativity, and becomes a well-loved senior.

New YunmengJiang disciples aren't near as strong as their predecessors without someone to teach them properly.

People gossip and speculate as the years pass. They hint that he is wrong to leave his former sect behind but he doesn't care.

Wei Wuxian has Lan Zhan and Lan Sizhui. Wen Qing and Wen Ning live happily in a small farming village not far from Gusu. They intervene before Jin Guangyao kills Nie Mingjue. They save Lan Xichen from heartache. Jin Ling is born and has both of his parents.

That's all he needs to be happy.

YunmengJiang is no longer his responsibility.

#short prompts #time travel au #wei wuxian #lan wangji #no golden core transfer #anti jiang cheng

[tanoraqui]

[now all on AO3!]

it starts, like all great slightly cracky fix-it AUs, with Nie Huaisang impetuously deciding to do something slightly good and slightly selfish

basically, at Phoenix Mountain, while everybody else is busy having romantic drama and/or exchanging lukewarm shots in the building cold war over the Stygian Tiger Seal, NHS is busy getting reamed out by his brother again for not being remotely good at, uh…anything. Archery, ghost-hunting, monster-hunting…etc.

then he happens to look over at Jiang Yanli, the daughter of the goddamn Violet Spider yet who isn’t expected to do anything but be pretty and deal with romantic drama, and thinks, hmm.

Clearly the solution is to Acquire or Fake a Serious Medial Condition

Fake better than Acquire. NHS enjoys being a little dramatically frail, but he’d rather not actually have to deal with it. But in order to fake something well enough to fool his brother, as an ongoing thing, he needs

a competent medical professional

who would be reliably loyal to him (begging, bribery, and blackmail all valid options to ensure this if required)

and won’t be too intimidated to lie to Chifeng-zun himself

it is important at this juncture to remember 2 things about Nie Huaisang, as of approximately the Phoenix Mountain hunt:

he is the privileged second son of a mighty sect, not coddled but definitely humored quite a lot, and despite having gotten through a short war not long before, he has never personally faced a real consequence in his life. He’s seen some shit happen, to his friends and his family, but he himself has never experienced a real consequence in his life

he is, however, aware at every moment that real consequences exist, even when he’s doing truly outrageous things to deserve them. Unlike certain a demonic cultivator who shall go unnamed. in fact, he puts effort into avoiding them, also unlike a certain demonic cultivator

so Nie Huaisang asks around a bit, indirectly and sometimes over drinks, and a week later he’s at one of the small towns in Qishan where the remnants of the Wen sect have been stashed, requisitioning Wen Qing

“...why?” says the Jin disciple in charge of security, who maybe NHS has met at a cultivation conference or hunt before

NHS rolls his eyes and complains from behind his fan, “I don’t know! I think Da-ge just wanted to make me fly here, to build my endurance or something. But she’s on of the greatest healers in the land, isn’t she? Our training yards do produce a lot of wounds.”

The Jin disciple has to admit that all of the above is true and/or plausible. Maybe she makes eye contact with one of the Nie disciples NHS has brought with him as protocol and the dangers of the countryside demand, and he nods slightly. She knew him in the Sunshot Campaign, and trusts his judgement more than that of the flighty heir to Qinghe Nie, so she calls for Wen Qing to be found and brought to the oversight center 

(NHS has implied to his retainers/guards that he wants to ask Wen Qing about a personal medical matter that he doesn’t want getting back to his brother, and they accepted it and are prepared to obfuscate that “truth” to an outsider)

(NHS is still new to this; he’s letting his lies get too complex, different for different people and thus harder to keep track of)

Wen Qing is brought, chin still lifted with dignity despite her drab and dirty robes. The Jin scoff; NHS greets her as effusively and not-quite-politely as though they were still students at Cloud Recesses together, and begs a private audience that she can’t deny. The Jin captain offers her office, and the rest clear out.

“Okay so I need you to help me fake a serious but not too serious medical condition,” says Nie Huaisang, and explains the gist of his plan and desires. “In return, you’ll get out of here - come back to the Unclean Realm and live in, you know, whatever comfort a war-focused sect castle* which my brother won’t let me redecorate can provide.”

*apologies to the setting f fantasy Ancient China, but I cannot imagine the Nie sect inhabiting anything but, like, this

“What,” demands Wen Qing, because she isn’t given to absolutely ridiculous ideas, and moreover, she’s a responsible physician and this is so sketch

...but

she’s also a Wen, a curse which thus far has outweighed her gifts as a physician in the eyes of the world, and hand in hand with being a Wen and long before her hand first touched a needle, she is a sister

so she crosses her arms - no. She ducks her head deferentially and says, “I’ll need my assistant to help. My brother.” And she looks up with iron in her eyes, and they both know that this is the final price

NHS offers his hand to shake. “Done.”

here’s the thing though: Wen Qing does have those medical ethics though they don’t always extend to requiring consent for major surgery, and moreover she has a lot of practice surviving, and keeping her brother safe, in a court where they aren’t much wanted. And she’s honest by nature, which mostly means that when she tells lies, they’re carefully chosen

so a few days later, she stands bowing before Nie Mingjue in the grand front hall of Qinghe’s stony fortress, where the last time Wens were there, their blood spilled across the floor. Wen Ning bows from half a step behind her, where he always does; Nie Huaisang stands half a step in front of her, artfully stuttering in the face of his brother’s bellowing. He hasn’t even gotten to his false story yet

(Wen Qing knows real fear when she sees it, she’s both seen it and felt it enough in Wen Ruohan’s court and since, and the second son of Nie has clear never felt it in his life. Not, at least, because of his elder brother.)

“Sect Leader Nie,” she says, stepping past her would-be-cunning, would-be-savior. She bows even more deeply as Chifeng-zun’s attention shifts to her, but still speaks clearly. “Please forgive your brother his trespass, in bringing this one and this one’s assistant to your hall. His concern is only for you, and your health. I am Wen Qing, of the Dafan Wen, who have studied medicine for generations upon generations. I myself, and my brother to assist me, have particular experience managing spiritual power and preventing qi deviations.” It’s mostly truth. “We have been brought only to serve you.”

NHS: [*shocked pikachu face*; the words TOP TEN ANIME BETRAYALS! flash across the screen]

he recovers quickly, though. He’s good at that

“Yes - ” His fan flutters anxiously and tears well in the corners of his eyes. “Ever since the Sunshot campaign ended, da-ge, you’ve been even angrier...”

It takes a while. It’s very loud, and entirely in public. But this is Qinghe, where anything worth doing is worth doing aggressively and in-your face. 

Eventually Nie Mingjue turns back to Wen Qing and growls, “Even if they have some medical knowledge, why should we trust Wen-dogs?”

(Wen Qing hates this. She is Wen and she hates this; she is Wen Qing, reknowned physician, and she hates this. She hates the indignity, the disrespect, and that she’s about to call on a debt she promised herself that she wouldn’t because it shouldn’t have been a debt in the first place, it should have just been treating the patient in front of her)

“Wei Wuxian of YunmengJiang will vouch for us, Nie-zhongzhi,” she says, bowing deeply again.

NMJ’s lip curls, and he says flatly, “The demonic cultivator.”

(Mistake. She gambles harder.) “Jiang Ch- Sect Leader Jiang will also vouch for us. We sheltered him and his brother when Wen Chao hunted them, after the destruction of Lotus Pier.” She lifts her head then, to meet his eyes. “We are physicians first, and will treat the patient in front of us. And you, Sect Leader, need treatment.”

It’s become clear over the course of this confrontation - his eyes are bloodshot, his hand has the faintest tremor every time it’s not clenching his saber hilt so tightly that the palm must be bruised. If she could touch him and explore the state of his meridians, she’s sure they’d be as settled as a flock of crows awaiting the end of a battle

She knew it before, though, or she wouldn’t have started this gambit in the first place. The Nie saber method’s dangers of qi cultivation are well-known among physicians, albeit not understood outside of the Unclean Realm. More importantly, the fear of it was between the lines of every one of Nie Huaisang’s complaints about his brother’s overbearence and the horrors of saber practice, which she’s been listening to for the past day and a half. And Nie Huaisang is known for being a coward, but not on behalf of his brother.

Nie Mingjue raises eyebrows at her, but he gives a short nod. (She should’ve known, she thinks, that Chifeng-zun would respond better to fierceness than to obsequiousness. She’s still to used to Qishan, and recently to the attitude of Langling.) “You may join our physicians - once I receives word from Yunmeng.”

Wei Wuxian brings the affirmation himself, in the form of a letter from Jiang Cheng. Wen Qing doesn’t get to see it, but WWX assures her that it was very polite and approbational. She thanks him once and not effusively, and they both nod and know that their debt is settled - probably a brother’s life for probably a brother’s life 

(she can keep Wen Ning safe in this place, she’s already sure of it. It is Wen Ruohan and Qishan all over again, but far better - in Qishan what mattered was power, and she scraped and bowed for just enough to get by. What matters in Qinghe is strength, for which Wen Qing has never lacked a day in her life)

(What mattered in the few miles of land the had Jin hemmed them into was subordination and indignity, neither of which she has ever mastered)

{there’s another letter to Nie Mingjue that Wen Qing never knows about, from Jin Guangyao on behalf of his father in Lanlang, politely asking what the absolute hell Nie Sect is doing with the two highest-ranking remaining Wen cultivators. After being reassured that these Wen-dogs are tamed ones, Nie Mingjue writes back...well, pretty much that, with kind of a “fuck you and the sword you rode in on” flavor}

{Jin Guangshan swears, complains, and scoffs a great deal when he receives it, and eventually settles down with a grumbled, “Well, maybe the Wen bitch will simply poison him, or he’ll find a reason to execute her, or both. Then I’ll be rid of them both.” Jin Guangyao murmurs an agreement that’s almost entirely genuine, because he hasn’t forgiven Nie Mingjue for that comment about his mother)

Wei Wuxian stays a week, messing around with Nie Huaisang like they’re still children at Cloud Recesses (they were all children, then) or infuriating Nie Mingjue apparently for fun, or most often both at once. At least it makes NMJ’s temper suitably riled for Wen Qing to get in a good first examination. To the surprise of no one, he’s in bad shape. 

The author would put in fun fantasy medical language here, but this book explains jackshit about its magic system, but let’s say it’s like...when there’s been a fast, hard rain and the hillside has turned to mud and it’s not collapsing yet, no, there wasn’t quite enough rain for that - but one more strong shower could do it, bring the whole hillside down on the busy road below, and if one person goes wandering and steps in the wrong place, they might slip into a sinkhole and never come out again? Nie Mingjue’s spiritual energy is like that.

so Wen Qing bullies him into cutting back on saber use by an hour a day - bullying is her natural bedside manner, and she’s backed by several true Nie physicians, genuinely in agreement but grateful to have someone else take the brunt of their Sect Leader’s angry resistance. Nie Huaisang also helps, with an abundance of pleading and near-tears

he also has to accept the bargain of practicing with his own saber for an extra half hour every day that Nie Mingjue appropriately refrains, which is frankly hilarious

after a few more days of peace, she lets Wen Ning out of her sight, pairs him up with a junior Nie physician who knows the area well and sends them to find the herbs she needs. Nie Mingjue does not, at least, protest the sourness of the medicine she brews

and she recommends Lan calming music, because, honestly, why the hell wasn’t he being treated with that already. His sworn brother is Zewu-jun; why are men in power always so stubborn - 

well, of course she knows the answer, it’s “men” and “power.” And maybe she should be a little more deferential - but as discussed, that’s never been in her nature nor her bedside manner, and Sect Leader Nie seems to respond well to, if not simply being bullied, than at least the snappish [fantasy Ancient China equivalent of cop]/puppy eyes [ditto] routine she and Nie Huaisang fall into naturally

and...he starts to get better. It’s just a start, but the hillside starts to settle back into place.

it’s peaceful enough, it seems a steady and safe enough place, that 2 weeks after Wei Wuxian’s gone, she makes another gamble. Not with Nie Mingjue, though - she finds Nie Huaisang in one of his favorite painting spots, stands between him and the lovely mountain view, and demands a favor

To be continued... (this is 1 of 3 probably?)

#mdzs #the untamed #nie huaisang #nie mingjue #wen qing #i was kinda planning to write it all at once but then i hit 3k and i'm like half done at best and i was like 'nah' #'i'll just accept my fate and cut out the last like third of what i have and post the first chunk now #at 4am as is the tradition of my people' #my fic #ficlet #er #fanfiction

[williamsockner]

LGBT+ Identity in the Time of Mindless Self Indulgence

Mindless Self Indulgence isn’t an act that could have flourished at any other time. The emo/pop punk wave was gathering steam; hip hop was still a novelty one could distinguish themselves from the flock by cribbing. “Random” Invader Zim-style humor was in the decline, while “edgy” no-limits humor was skyrocketing. Nerds hadn’t become the dominant force they are today, but due to the internet and the rise in manga and anime sales in the United States, they were able to access nerdy content much more easily. Youtube was taking off, music piracy was booming, and reliance on both radio and local record-store gatekeepers was at a low for young music fans.

Perhaps most critically, our national understanding of politics and identity at the time, particularly LGBT+ identities, was in a different stage of development than it is today. “Punching up” vs. “punching down” was not a concept that most people considered in their comedy. “It’s just a joke” was more widely accepted as an excuse for transgressive entertainment than it is today. “I’m an equal opportunity hater” was a common refrain.

Early in their career, the band released multiple tracks where Jimmy Urine, a man who was certainly not black, used the n-word. The “Pantyshot” cassingle was a treasured possession among MSI fans, featuring an early song that supposedly lost them a record deal due to being about lusting over a 5 year-old. Little Jimmy Urine sold kisses for a dollar to fans after shows, including to the teenagers. As a whole, the band made punchlines of racial and sexual slurs, rape and child abuse, school shootings, prostitution, drug use, incest, and just about every other taboo under the sun.

The understanding was that none of it was real and that none of it had any real consequences. Calling someone a faggot didn’t matter if we were all in on the joke, that homophobia was stupid. Words were just words. The identity of the speaker didn’t matter so long as their ideology was clear. It was something of an inversion of the way we publicly navigate comedy now, in that their identity determines where on the ladder they are to punch up or down, and the contents of their ideology is of minimal consequence compared to the text of their words. The context of a joke is not a matter of what the audience believes, but of the many complexities of hierarchy that society as a whole believes.

“Who cares?” asks 2008. “It’s just words.”

“How could it not matter?” answers 2018. “Words create culture.”

So LGBT+ identity in the era of Mindless Self Indulgence.

Describing the difference between 2005 and 2018 to young queer people is a source of anxiety for me, because I feel like the old woman talking about how she walked uphill both ways to the library if she wanted to read a book. It’s difficult, however, to put in perspective how quickly the culture around LGBT+ identities has changed. As dangerous as it is for queer kids today, they have much freer access to information about their resources and history than we did, and far greater representation in all forms of media.

When I was a teenager, I was the first person openly LGBT at my school, and my only point of reference for LGBT identities were Rosie O’Donnell and Elton John. There was no “Born This Way” yet, no Halsey and Hayley Kiyoko and Ellen Page, no Troye Sivan and Adam Lambert and Frank Ocean, no Miley Cyrus, no Laverne Cox. There were no empowerment ballads.

Which was fine, because I didn’t want empowerment ballads anyway. I felt disgusting. In reckoning with my LGBT+ identity, I felt small, broken, repulsive, confused, discarded and doomed. I was sickened in my own skin and filled with self-loathing because of my sexual orientation. Sometimes I still am. When I was 15, I drew a map of my heart, and in between the “fields of sexual insecurity” and “possibly irreparable damage” I had written “guilt!” several times and underlined it.

“You’re beautiful” didn’t only feel false, it felt invalidating. I was fiercely defensive of my self-hatred. I was working so hard at it, spending so much time and energy convincing myself I deserved the beating I was giving myself. To this day the barriers I’ve put up against generic bromides persist, and songs like “Scars to Your Beautiful” or “Roar” make me cringe. Maybe someone gets something out of them, but I can only think of the teenagers like me who used that sort of sentiment as fuel for their own self-abuse. I remember once bursting into tears at a “Jesus Loves You” sticker because it served as proof that the whole world was playing a joke on me, telling me that someone so unlovable should have some hope.

It was impossible to internalize that queerness was not dirty, unnatural and loathsome. Any attempt to break that association was drown out by the rest of the messaging we were receiving and our own tried-and-true mental gymnastics. Reassurance could not reach us at the bottom of the well.

At the time, I was obsessed with Mindless Self Indulgence with the kind of all-consuming adoration that only teenagers can possess. I aped frontman Little Jimmy Urine’s fashion, writing slogans across my coats with white tape. “What Do They Know” and “Cocaine and Toupees” were my ringtones, much to my mother’s chagrin. I had catalogues of bootlegs, lovingly sorted and pressed to CD. Mindless Self Indulgence populated my artwork, both in classroom doodles and in art pieces for my portfolio that I labored on for weeks. They were the subject of my college application essay. I met my first love on an MSI forum (which I moderated) and lost a few romantic relationships over my inability to talk about anything else. I owned every shirt. When I was hired on at Barnes & Noble’s music section, I would nominate Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy for the staff recommendation shelf every single week, and whenever it inevitably got recalled to the warehouse for lack of sales, I’d order it right back.

Sometimes my friends and I would go to the mall parking lot at night and blast Mindless Self Indulgence from my car, dancing around the empty lot with our striped stockings, fingerless gloves and Hot Topic trip pants.

This band kept me from killing myself.

“I’m filthy, disgusting, horrible, irredeemable,” we’d say. “People tell us we’re beautiful and we know they’re lying. I’m a freak.”

“Yeah, you’re fucking ugly,” the music said. “So what? So’s everything else. Have some fun with it.”

Despite the fact that Jimmy Urine has never publicly labeled himself with an LGBT identity, we young LGBT MSI fans claimed him as our own. We enshrined the article where he described being sexually attracted to anyone regardless of gender. We imitated and revered his gender fuckery onstage, the skirts, the pink suits and tutus, the eyeliner, his yelping falsetto leaping up from the masculine shouting, the way he danced. We pored over lyrics - that we transcribed ourselves in many cases, through multiple listens and endless debate - for those nuggets of same-sex attraction and gender ambiguity.

“I make a good girl but I make a terrible boy,” went one song. “These things in my pants that we’re all waiting for, I never really knew what that thing down there was used for,” went another. And the most sacred text of all was “Faggot”, off Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy, the most beloved record of the vast majority of hardcore MSI fans.

“I played that shit straight / blowing suckas to the side hopin' I get laid / now everybody knows / no way in hell I can ever live it down”.

Shit was a revelation.

Kitty, the drummer of Mindless Self Indulgence, once said of the band’s LGBT fans that listening to MSI’s music was like vomiting: it hurts at the time, but then you feel better. You got it out. And the band always cultivated their relationship with their LGBT fans. Gay marriage was one of the few political issues they openly took a stance on, in a time when states like my own were amending constitutions to protect themselves from Massachusetts’ same-sex marriages.

Thus, we had a place where we felt simultaneously seen and valued by the band, and unseen amongst the chaos surrounding us. The irreverent humor of the band created a safe space where homosexuality could be disgusting, but so was everything else. There was no shame at an MSI concert. You were listening to a man famed for drinking his own urine sing about whipping his meat out, who cared if you liked to kiss girls? That’s old news. We’re all freaks down here at the bottom of the well.

I’m 28 now, and I don’t know if the kids these days have an equivalent band. I don’t know if there’s a market for it anymore; I’m sure there will always be queer kids who have internalized the awful message that they are inherently unlovable, but I’m not sure if they can’t find more accessible and more inherently positive panaceas. I see mutations of the same style of humor in Willam from RuPaul’s Drag Race and in some of the undercurrents of Tumblr’s teen humor. “We’re goblins, trash, garbage babies.”

“Yeah,” my inner child says. “I fucking feel that.”

The paradigm of humor has changed since 2008, at least in my circles, and the reasons for that are manifold, political, social, capitalistic. In many ways, it’s been a good thing: bigotry can be exposed rather than cloaked in excuses. A basic understanding of social inequality is presumed of most audiences. People are responsible for the impact of their words, not the intent. “Equal opportunity hater” is seem for what it is: intellectually lazy and blinkered, the refuge of white guys who don’t want to own up to the fact that some jokes aren’t funny.

But I’ll always have a place in my heart for comedy that meets people where they’re at. Where we’re at isn’t always beautiful or acceptable or healthy, but sometimes it’s the place where we need the laugh most.

#music #personal #lgbt stuff #humor #mindless self indulgence #jimmy urine #sorry guys i can't figure out how to text break

[thisiskatsblog]

Soup, Sex and Sun Salutations

Fixed it!

[Note: all it took was some copypasting - just the italics are mine]

“We had the chance to sit down over some miso soup with Harry Styles. We didn’t talk about his new album at all but were charmed by the way he challenges gender norms and by what he had to say about sexuality, his female fans, feminism, while male privilege, toxic masculinity, his publicity relationship stunts, and how meditation and yoga have helped him deal with it all. ”

Challenging gender norms

He’s got a white floppy hat that Diana Ross might have won from Elton in a poker game at Cher’s mansion circa 1974.

His nail polish is pink and mint green.

He’s also carrying his purse — no other word for it.

He hosted the Met Gala with Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Alessandro Michele, and Anna Wintour serving an eyebrow-raising black lace red-carpet look.

He is the official face of a designer genderless fragrance, Gucci’s Mémoire d’une Odeur.

Harry said in his speech (note: for Stevie Nicks). “She knows what you need: advice, a little wisdom, a blouse, a shawl.” He added, “She’s responsible for more running mascara — including my own — than all the bad dates in history.”

Refusing to put a label on his sexuality

Harry likes to cultivate an aura of sexual ambiguity, as overt as the pink polish on his nails. 

He’s asking questions about culture, gender, identity, new ideas about masculinity and sexuality.

He’s dated women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality

On his first solo tour, he frequently waved the pride, bi, and trans flags, along with the Black Lives Matter flag. In Philly, he waved a rainbow flag he borrowed from a fan up front: “Make America Gay Again.” One of the live fan favorites: “Medicine,” a guitar jam that sounds a bit like the Grateful Dead circa Europe ’72, but with a flamboyantly pansexual hook: “The boys and girls are in/I mess around with them/And I’m OK with it.

He’s always had a flair for flourishes like this, since the 1D days. An iconic clip from November 2014: Harry and Liam are on a U.K. chat show. The host asks the oldest boy-band fan-bait question in the book: What do they look for in a date? “Female,” Liam quips. “That’s a good trait.” Harry shrugs. “Not that important.” Liam is taken aback. The host is in shock. On tour in the U.S. that year, he wore a Michael Sam football jersey, in support of the first openly gay player drafted by an NFL team. He’s blown up previously unknown queer artists like King Princess and Muna

His worst fears

“While I was in the band,” he says, I felt so much weight in terms of not getting things wrong. I remember when I signed my record deal and I asked my manager, ‘What happens if I get arrested? Does it mean the contract is null and void?’ ”

About Rainbow Direction 

“Now, I feel like the fans have given me an environment to be myself and grow up and create this safe space to learn and make mistakes”

“It’s a room full of accepting people.… If you’re someone who feels like an outsider, you’re not always in a big crowd like that,” he says. 

At one of his earliest solo shows, in Stockholm, he announced, “If you are black, if you are white, if you are gay, if you are straight, if you are transgender — whoever you are, whoever you want to be, I support you. I love every single one of you.

What do those flags onstage mean to him? “I want to make people feel comfortable being whatever they want to be,” he says. “Maybe at a show you can have a moment of knowing that you’re not alone.”

“To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” 

About vulnerability, toxic masculinity, and meditation

“I’m discovering how much better it makes me feel to be open with friends. Feeling that vulnerability, rather than holding everything in”

“I feel pretty lucky to have a group of friends who are guys who would talk about their emotions and be really open,” he says. “My friend’s dad said to me, ‘You guys are so much better at it than we are. I never had friends I could really talk to. It’s good that you guys have each other because you talk about real shit. We just didn’t.’”

“I was such a skeptic going in,” he says. “But I think meditation has helped with worrying about the future less, and the past less. I feel like I take a lot more in—things that used to pass by me because I was always rushing around. It’s part of being more open and talking with friends. It’s not always the easiest to go in a room and say, ‘I made a mistake and it made me feel like this, and then I cried a bunch.’ But that moment where you really let yourself be in that zone of being vulnerable, you reach this feeling of openness. That’s when you feel like, ‘Oh, I’m fucking living, man.’”

Doesn’t this ambiguous sexuality clash with his public image?

He’s dated [a string of high-profile] women throughout his life as a public figure, yet he has consistently refused to put any kind of label on his sexuality - [and] he never gets caught uttering any of their names in public.

We’re off to the pub,” he tells his mom. “We’re going to talk some shop.” She smiles sweetly. “Talk some shit, probably,” says Anne.

“It’s not like I’ve ever sat and done an interview and said, ‘So I was in a relationship, and this is what happened,’” he says. “Because, for me, music is where I let that cross over. It’s the only place, strangely, where it feels right to let that cross over.”

So how does he feel about the industry?

“Only a city as narcissistic as L.A. would have a street called Los Angeles Street,” he says.

About his female fans, and about feminism

He’s always had a fervent female fandom, and, admirably, he’s never felt a need to pretend he doesn’t love it that way. “They’re the most honest — especially if you’re talking about teenage girls, but older as well,” he says. “They have that bullshit detector. You want honest people as your audience. We’re so past that dumb outdated narrative of ‘Oh, these people are girls, so they don’t know what they’re talking about.’ They’re the ones who know what they’re talking about. They’re the people who listen obsessively. They fucking own this shit. They’re running it.”

“To me, the greatest thing about the tour was that the room became the show,” he says. “It’s not just me.” He sips his tea. “I’m just a boy, standing in front of a room, asking them to bear with him.”

He doesn’t have the uptightness some people have about sexual politics, or about identifying as a feminist. “I think ultimately feminism is thinking that men and women should be equal, right? People think that if you say ‘I’m a feminist,’ it means you think men should burn in hell and women should trample on their necks. No, you think women should be equal. That doesn’t feel like a crazy thing to me. I grew up with my mum and my sister — when you grow up around women, your female influence is just bigger. Of course men and women should be equal. I don’t want a lot of credit for being a feminist. It’s pretty simple. I think the ideals of feminism are pretty straightforward.”

About white male privilege

“It’s not about, ‘Oh, I get what it’s like,’ because I don’t. For example, I go walking at night before bed most of the time. I was talking about that with a female friend and she said, ‘Do you feel safe doing that?’ And I do. But when I walk, I’m more aware that I feel OK to walk at night, and some of my friends wouldn’t. I’m not saying I know what it feels like to go through that. It’s just being aware.”   

I’m aware that as a white male, I don’t go through the same things as a lot of the people that come to the shows. I can’t claim that I know what it’s like, because I don’t. So I’m not trying to say, ‘I understand what it’s like.’ I’m just trying to make people feel included and seen.”

On tour, he had an End Gun Violence sticker on his guitar; he added a Black Lives Matter sticker, as well as the flag. “It’s not about me trying to champion the cause, because I’m not the person to do that,” he says. “It’s just about not ignoring it, I guess. I was a little nervous to do that because the last thing I wanted was for it to feel like I was saying, ‘Look at me! I’m the good guy!’ I didn’t want anyone who was really involved in the movement to think, ‘What the fuck do you know?’ But then when I did it, I realized people got it. Everyone in that room is on the same page and everyone knows what I stand for. I’m not saying I understand how it feels. I’m just trying to say, ‘I see you.’”

Heartbreak and loss

As Stevie starts to sing “Landslide” — “I’ve been afraid of changing, because I built my life around youuuu” — Anne walks over to where Harry sits. She crouches down behind him, reaches her arms around him tightly. Neither of them says a word. They listen together and hold each other close to the very end of the song. Everybody in Wembley is singing along with Stevie, but these two are in a world of their own.

[Note: I doubted a bit whether to include that last part, but then I did, because this HS2 is apparently an album about sadness, and the description of that moment reminded me painfully of the real heartbreak and sadness Harry and Anne have had to deal with in recent years. So here’s a little shoutout to Anne who lost Robin, so recently still. Wishing her all the courage to continue building her life without him at the center of it. We love you.]

#harry styles #rolling stone #soup sex and sun salutations #press #stunts #rainbow direction #feminism #gender #privilege #toxic masculinity #gender norms #gender identity #sexuality #closet #shady shit #fuck modest #fuck syco #relevant #also #what if i get arrested #oh baby #please let me hug you #contracts #gun violence #black lives matter #so glad he addressed why it took him a bit more time to take that on #bullshit #thanks for that gem of a reference #and for the little shoutout to #older fans

[anuninterestingperson]

oooh could I get a taakitz 48? :chinhands:

sure thing my friend. sorry about the late response I fell asleep lol

48. …out of habit

One of the most unexpected things about Taako is that he’s actually pretty shy.

Well, shy isn’t the right word, maybe. Closed off? He has a way of making people who don’t know him well think that they know everything about him. He authorizes countless retellings of his life story, he answers questions readily and without hesitation, he’s effortless effulgence and artful chuckles and responses that seem genuine instead of carefully cultivated to remove any emotion. He moves through society like it’s a dance and he’s a prodigy, and what he does not disclose is so masterfully hidden under layer upon layer of feigned candor that it’s almost artistic.

But Kravitz knows that Taako doesn’t actually let most people in, and it makes Taako’s trust of him even more a gift. He doesn’t really know what he’s done to deserve it. From their first date, when Taako told him without making eye contact that he was afraid nobody else would have him, to him removing the glamour on his face when they met up at the end of the world, to the way he kissed him with a hint of desperation when the world didn’t actually end--and to now, when Taako gives small confessions in the dark, telling him that he’s terrified of losing Lup again, whispering into Kravitz’s shoulder that everybody leaves him and he wonders if he might deserve it.

Kravitz appreciates more than anything that Taako is willing to open up with him like this, but that doesn’t mean he’s not full of shit, so he pulls Taako away from his shoulder and gives him a perfunctory kiss. “You’re full of shit,” he says, just as perfunctory, and Taako’s face is halfway between amused and scowling.

“Wow, you sure know how to comfort a guy.”

“I’ll comfort you properly when you’re not so incredibly wrong.” He gazes at Taako, backlit by the moonlight, and wishes briefly that Taako could see himself as Kravitz does. “But as it stands, you are. You’ve had a hard life, Taako; I’m not going to try to convince you that you haven’t. And maybe you’ve made a few mistakes along the way too. Those two things don’t have to have some kind of cosmic connection. Sometimes bad things happen. Frequently, even. Sometimes people leave.” Kravitz kisses him again, softer this time. “That doesn’t mean it’s your fault, or that you deserved that kind of pain.”

“Maybe,” Taako says, too quiet.

“And also, not everybody has left. Not everybody will leave.” He grabs underneath the comforter for Taako’s hand, then brings it up to his lips for another kiss. “Me, for just one example.”

And then Taako is kissing him with more of that end-of-the-world desperation, and Kravitz buries a hand in his hair and wonders distantly once more how he managed to convince someone like Taako that he’s safe. Whatever it was, he’s grateful for it.

It becomes somewhat of a thing after that point--whenever Taako opens up to Kravitz, whether it be about his past or his feelings, Kravitz will give him one of those short kisses. Sometimes it devolves further, but there’s always that one kiss. Kravitz can see how it relaxes Taako’s shoulders when he does it, just that brief contact reminding him of who he’s with and that who he’s with is real and present and not leaving. A confession and a kiss. He doesn’t even realize how habitual it’s become until Taako comes to him and mulishly admits that he may accidentally have turned all the groceries a little bit temporarily sentient and Kravitz kisses him before anything else, before the laughter and the bit-off scream when a stick of butter climbs up his knee and informs him in a tremulous voice that it misses its mother.

(Taako gets another kiss, albeit one that’s a bit dazed and horrified, when the spell wears off and he says, “Well, fuck if that won’t live in my nightmares forever.” Kravitz agrees. He also agrees to takeout.)

A confession and a kiss, on and on, and Kravitz still doesn’t know why he’s earned this, but he falls more in love with each one. Taako is so wonderfully complex, and he seems contradictory and yet makes perfect sense when you start to learn his context. A confession and a kiss, and eventually Kravitz adds in a confession of his own to their little routine--he tells Taako he loves him, which makes Taako smile before he even seems to realize he’s done so.

“I love you,” Kravitz says after a short kiss when Taako tells him that he misses Lup even though he knows she has this important reaper job now, that he misses how things used to be between them and how they can’t be exactly the same anymore, and he knows he’s smiling and besotted and that might not be the correct facial expression for this revelation, but he’s just so happy that he gets to see Taako in a way so few people do. 

Taako gives that smile back, then pauses and says, voice high-pitched in the falsetto he sometimes adopts when he’s pretending something isn’t a big deal to him, “Love you too, babe.”

Kravitz blinks at him.

It’s the first time Taako has ever said that out loud.

Taako’s smile drops as the silence stretches between them, and Kravitz is aware he should be doing something here other than staring and blinking and maybe going into a dead person’s version of cardiac arrest, but he doesn’t know what that something is. Taako’s mouth tugs into a frown, and he says, still high-pitched but now also audibly nervous, “Come on, where’s my kiss?”

“Huh?”

“Don’t think I haven’t caught onto that whole--Pavlov’s dog thing you’ve got going on, with the--kissing every time I flay myself bare before you and shit, I know you’ve got some kind of boner for emotional expression or whatever and--” He’s wringing his hands now. “You’d think this might qualify, maybe--”

Kravitz’s brain kickstarts back online, and he gathers Taako to him for a deep kiss, then another, then more, feathering kisses all over his face even when Taako laughs with a note of incredible relief and tells him that eyebrow kissing is not one of his kinks but he’s willing to be supportive. 

“I love you,” Kravitz says again, redundancy be damned, and Taako’s smile now is relieved and brilliant and bright as the sun.

“Yeah. Uh...love you too, and all that jazz. Is this a prelude to sex? Because I think we should test drive that eyebrow kink of yours--”

Kravitz kisses him again, more a smile against smile than anything, and whispers, “It sure could be,” and it’s dumb that he hasn’t realized this before now, but he thinks he might know why Taako opens up to him, even though he still doesn’t know how he earned it.

He just loves him, is all.

“I love you,” he tells Taako, redundancy be damned twice, “So much,” and Taako’s eyebrow quirks up along with the corner of his mouth before he rolls his eyes and tells him he’s ridiculous, then kisses him anyway. A confession and a kiss. This particular confession isn’t really news, of course, not after how many times he’s said it, but then again he supposes Taako’s really wasn’t either.

But that won’t stop him from kissing him every time he says it from that point afterwards, not because it’s a habit but because Kravitz will never stop being astonished by what Taako has given him. Maybe that makes him ridiculous after all. 

He doesn’t really think he minds.

#anonymous #ask tag #ask meme #taakitz #taz balance #writing tag #fic tag

[myupostsheadcanons]

I know you @highwayham asked about DBD headcanons on another blog... I’ll get to that soon.... I was working on this one for you the past week....  So I am quite ahead of the game.

My personal headcanons for all the DBD killers.

(gets a bit fanfic-ish in places, but damn my fan fic writers soul. (i haven’t done the final proofing, but go me) )....

  The Doctor

The Anti-Freddy.

Herman’s madness and electro-shocks automatically wake people up/take people out of Freddy’s dream realm.

It is nearly physically impossible for him to go to sleep.

Water is his weakness. Submerging him in enough water would burn out his own powers. It will put him in a coma if he is fully charged when submerged.

Herman didn’t think Freddy was real for the longest time. He thought Freddy was some made up joke the others were pulling on him. Or some Invisible Man that the others were putting too much stock in.

When he isn’t driving through crazy town, he’s generally snobby, rude, haughty, and uptight. He has this air of acting “better than you” that drives most of the other killers bonkers.

OCD... the only killer that manages to keep his whites mostly clean on a trial.

Herman and Myers especially don’t get along. His madness powers would make The Shape’s voice in Myers head louder and angrier. And The Doctor being a Psychiatrist rather than a Medical doctor didn’t help either.

Herman and Evan often fight over who’s in charge. Evan is loud and violent, and easy to ignore. The Doctor is more demanding and a perfectionist, on top of being sadistic, so more people still side with Evan.

The Nurse

Sally doesn’t like that her “role” among the group is being the nanny.

The Trapper will call her “The Nanny” instead of “The Nurse” (she makes sure to give him extra scares by casually hiding behind corners on him)

In fact, The Trapper is perhaps her most frequent patient.... for stepping in his own bear traps.

The Nurse and The Doctor kind of get along. She was so use to having to deal with asshole men doctors while she was alive... what’s one more now that she’s dead?

Her, The Doctor, The Hag, and The Clown handle most of the medical needs among the group. (The Hag knows Apothecary, The Clown has some understanding in that field as well and helps the two women make any meds. The Doctor has enough knowledge through his experiments on humans and medical school to help, but isn’t as skilled/knowledgeable as The Nurse)

The Spirit

Rin didn’t understand English when she first arrived. Julie (The Legion) knew some Japanese because of being a massive weeb, and tried to help translate pieces of what was being said to the others. (often just fucked up on the translation completely.. basically think Lopez from RVB. or Peggy Hill levels of bad)

Rin is polarizing. One moment she is calm, collective, and interested in being around people... the next she’s screaming at everybody, even those that did nothing, and would even attack other killers.

The Spirit often hangs around The Nurse, neither talking to one another. If she’s not creeping on other people in the group.

Work is too much.... work.... When it comes to doing chores or requests, she would suddenly vanish or be last in line.

Rin tends to creep on Myers the most. She likes that Myers doesn’t talk, or give a shit... and she saw him without his mask a few times.... so...  long siiigh.... (he’s just confused by her)

She fucking hates Freddy... He grabbed her inappropriately only once and she kicked his ass... he’s been leaving her alone now.

She doesn’t like The Doctor either. Outside of being pushy and treats her like a pest: his powers make her even more unstable and volatile.

The Wraith

Unless the killer is a colossal Asshat, he’ll get along with them. (Basically, The Doctor, Freddy, The Legion, and The Spirit are among his “doesn’t get along with” list)

He’s been around The Trapper the longest out of the killers so he’s use to Evan’s brand of Asshattery.

Him and Amanda tend to casually hang around with each other the most. He knows where the best stuff in the scrap yard is and they have similar interests in tinkering. (mlm and wlw solidarity)

Bubba, Max, and Evan come to Phil and Amanda whenever their equipment needs to be fixed.

Phil also likes to spend time with The Hag. He talks to her about the magic he learned from his homeland and helps her gather herbs.

He really just wants to be useful.

The Hag

Lisa knows the most about herbs and plants. Which ones are safe to eat, or what effects they cause when ingested. The Clown likes to get her advice when making new potions.

The Hag, The Huntress, Bubba and The Hillbilly are in charge of the Homestead end of things. (Farming and Cultivating... growing food, animal husbandry and butchering... Actual cooking the meals is on rotate among all the killers (at least those that at minimum know how to boil water)).

Lisa knows Rune Crafting, and recognizes that Myers has a spell/curse placed on him. She doesn’t tell any of the other killers she knows this.

Her Teleport spell can pull Freddy out of the dreamworld... if she has hold of him when she activates it. She almost did it twice, but he managed to break her grip and is staying away from her now.

The Nurse, being a super natural creature, is more accepting of The Hag’s witchcraft, apothecary, and homeopathy than The Doctor is.

The Hag and The Doctor get in frequent arguments based on their different world views.

The Trapper

The “Bad Boss” of the group.

Is an ass to anybody that doesn’t do what he wants.  (One part, Biff Tannon, One Part Al Bundy)

The other killers often forget that he is book-smart (came from a rich family, actually went to collage) because of how big of a douche bag he acts.

Evan relies too much on the few people that know what they are doing to do everything (The Nurse, especially)

Evan’s orders are easier to shirk/get around, because they are often bad orders that make no sense. It also doesn’t take much to “suck up” to him and get him to forget about something they’ve did wrong. Which is mainly why people side with him over The Doctor. 

His “cronies” are The Hillbilly and The Clown, and (with some arm twisting) The Wraith and Bubba.

He’s mainly buddy-buddy with The Clown because Kenny makes the best fucking bathtub gen in the realm.

He becomes a CHAD-DORK around Amanda (She knows this, is not interested in him, but gets him to do whatever she wants).

He is very particular when it comes to self-grooming. When he is not “working” / killing he likes to keep himself clean. He showers twice a day, and spends a lot of time shaving... to the point he’s practically bald all over his body.

He uses a straight razor to shave, a very sharp one.

He gets annoyed when the other killers don’t groom themselves on a regular basis. He understands it is dirty work, but there is a time and place to be dirty. (zombies and undead not withstanding, being dead/rotting can’t be helped).

The Huntress

She’s the most “efficient” of the non-magical killers.... all aside from:

Her near-constant singing and talking would annoy some of the Killers (who believe silence was the key), until they saw her sling a hatchet and down a survivor. 

She has no personal-space bubble. Will kiss people on the cheek/mouth in greeting (if they don’t flinch/push away from her)... it surprises most of the others that first time because it isn’t a common practice in America, where most of the killers are from, nor in modern society outside of one’s actual family.

Doesn’t shave.  She thought it was an odd grooming custom when she was watching Amanda shaving her legs and armpits in the bath. Men only shave/trim their beards cleanliness. She sees no reason for a woman to shave.

Anna goes out of the way to talk to the “outliers” of the Killer Group. (The Spirit, Myers, The Legion, and Bubba). Even if it is just to say “Hello.” and get no response in return.

Anna has child-like interests. Likes to talk about fairy tales and folk legends. Collects odd knickknacks (buttons, paper clips, caps off pens, pieces of ribbon, beads, rocks...). Play dress up with other Killer’s clothes (try on their masks and play with their weapons). She jumps in mud puddles and catches bugs/small animals with her bare hands to show others.

She first caught Bubba and Myers attention by showing them a frog she caught and pulled its legs off in front of them (Bubba then ate the frog). Myers was just...enthralled...  he was going to kill the frog if she handed it to him and she just did it.

From then on Bubba liked to join her on any weird quests she would have (like as if he was her little big-brother). The Wraith would follow to make sure they aren’t getting into trouble.

The Huntress got pretty good at guessing what Bubba is saying. It helped that when she first came here she didn’t know English and had to often pantomime what she wanted to the others as well.

She wants to be a helper, but her brand of help tends to lean towards “s-mothering”....

The Hag, The Clown, The Wraith, The Nurse, The Pig, and The Doctor are the ones she actually treats like her elders....

The Trapper and The Hillbilly are on “peer” level with her. Myers was... until she realized he was a walking disaster, and actually knew the least out of the whole group.

So... The Legion, Myers, Bubba.... she latched onto them as her special “projects”

(The Spirit and Freddy are in the “no” zone)

The Hillbilly

Is a slow talker and mumbler, but not dumb (actually he’s rather average, just uneducated. he believes he is stupid because he was told he was his whole life)

He can’t hear out of one ear because of his deformities and the loud chainsaw. People often have to repeat things because of that.

Max could be found either at The Trapper’s side, or at the homestead in the barn with the goats and pigs (he feels safe in there)

He makes Amanda new pig masks when ever they get old or damaged.

The Hag watches his back, making sure the others don’t treat him poorly. 

Max and Bubba do get along, even though it is difficult for Max to understand what Bubba wants.

The Legion tend to antagonize him and Bubba at the same time with their trivial prattling about Max being a “rip off”.

The Clown

Is the actual “boss” of the group, but doesn’t claim to be. Even though he knows damn well he is.

Kenny would hear what the Trapper wants done, and often tweak the orders to be more feasible when relaying them to the others.

Kenny’s big loud personality stood out. He was better at working a crowd than Herman and Evan.  

He can get the more “outlying” killers to listen to him.

He got where he was because he showed up rather late in the game. Nothing was getting done, there was little to no cohesion among the factions. Half the team barely listened to The Trapper, the other Half tended to do whatever the hell they wanted.

He managed to get The Legion to act less like little shits to the rest of the killers all the fucking time.

Myers would trail behind Kenny, or low-key stalk him. The Clown could never manage to pin him down to confront him about it. The others told him not to bother. After The Legion came, Susie eventually told him it was because Myers really liked clowns as a kid. Kenny began to think of Myers as a  “stray cat.”

The only killer that Freddy actually kind of likes and would take “requests” from. They both have a dark sense of humor and are practical jokers. The Clown’s potions also make people easier to put asleep. (Kenny just knows not to be a total dick to your “coworkers” or you’ll be spinning your wheels in the mud the whole time)

The Legion

For the longest time the four of them stuck together, not interacting with the other killers outside of being trolls or antagonists to them.

Frank and Julie were the “spokes persons” whenever they had to make “demands” to the other killers.

They did not to approach any of the killers alone.

The Spirit was the first of the killers to hang around with them as a “friend”. They were close to her age (of death) and as condescending as she was. They also helped her with her English.... kind of.

Myers and Freddy had tried to “pick them off”....

With Myers, they over stepped their boundaries when it came to his comfort zone and he wanted to get rid of them. He knocked Frank unconscious, broke Joey’s arm, and was about to moire Julia before Anna and Bubba were able to pull him away (Susie ran to get help).

Freddy did so for his own sadistic pleasure. After several days of sleep deprivation, and Susie needing to be waken from a coma:  The Doctor and The Nurse eventually stepped in to get Freddy to leave them alone.

The Huntress and The Clown took responsibility of The Legion after the attacks (Along with Myers, Bubba, and The Spirit... all those in need of “special attention” or those that are in the habit of isolating themselves (it is also why Kenny became “frenemies” with Freddy, to keep him from completely turning on the group))

The Legion’s love of Slasher Movies made them experts on Lore regarding Bubba, Myers, OG Freddy.... only up until the mid-90′s.... they never got to see the Halloween reboots: H20/Res, or even the RZ remakes, nor FvJ, Jason X or the Remakes of F13 and Elm Street. They think Amanda was another one of the “in house” killers like The Trapper, The Wraith, and The Nurse.

They never been in a Hot Topic. Because there wasn’t one where they lived.  Most of their gear was stolen from concerts, bikers, and sports supplies stores.

The Internet was barely functional in the 90′s... to hear Amanda talk about modern technology and smart phones in the 2010′s, it is moon speak to them. (it is moon speak to most of the killers)

The Plague

“Avoid like The Plague” became serious business.

She only speaks Ancient Mesopotamian. Refuses to lower herself to speak the tongue language of these barbarians.

Freddy’s the only one that can communicate with her due to conversations in the “mind/dream” realm being more mental-emotion based than literal-verbal language based.

She still treats him like he is a worm and a viper. Does not trust anything he tells her.

Prolong exposure to her presence will cause sickness and wounds to become infected more easily.

She was banned from being around their social/common spaces, and food and water sources by the other killers due to her infectious presence.

Spends most of her time at the killer camp encased in a tomb in isolation.

Bubba

Best cook (don’t question the mystery meat...)

Anna is like the cool sister he always wanted. She’s nice to him, looks after him, and can skin a whole dear in under 20min.

Bubba doesn’t like The Legion. They would tease him more than the others. It doesn’t take much for him to go into a tantrum, or run off and cry, so they saw an easy target. (They knew when the fucked up when Anna has to get involved.... we’re sorry team mom.)

The Nurse and The Spirit scare him. He gets the heebie-geebies every time they look at him. Freddy is the worst.

Amanda

Amanda has a crush on Anna, but Anna is so obvious.

She tried to be nice to The Legion when they first arrived, but they were too immature and antagonistic.

The Wraith’s cloaking is about the extent of “supernatural” she could handle. It took her a long time not to freak out over The Nurse and The Spirit still creeps her out. Freddy... lives up to his name as The Nightmare.

At least most of the killers are just big men... she could handle dealing with men.

She is aware that there is a rivalry over her between some of the men. Phil, she’s pretty sure he’s gay, even if he won’t say it... But Evan, Max, and Herman are always trying to do favors for her...  (she suspects it is because she’s the most ‘normal’ adult woman among the sausage party)

She stays clear of Myers out of principle. She watched the Halloween movies, knows what he is capable of and that reason rarely worked with him. If she had him in a proper trap-house, he’d be at her mercy, but roaming free like this? no.

Her and The Clown only sort of get along. He’s too loud and handzy, like an old drunk at a bar. She put his arm in a trap that he couldn’t break free of. He had it on for three days before he apologized to her.

Freddy

The best scout... rarely does it though.

Freddy was better at avoiding any chores around the compound than Rin and Myers... until The Legion let slip that Freddy was a gardener/grounds keeper in his past life...

He used his powers on all the killers, at least once, just to test their reactions or to see what was inside their minds. Those with traumatic pasts were easy to get to.

Those that couldn’t fight back he stayed on them longer.

Until they started grouping up against him.

The Nurse, The Spirit, and The Doctor became the “vanguard” against his meddling. They could either physically attack him in the dream world or cancel out his powers all together. (The Doctor could even pull people out of a coma)

He isn’t friends with any of the killers. The Clown is the closest, and that’ll be an associate/coworker at best.

Freddy knows what The Clown is doing, and his dislike of The Doctor and the incompetence of The Trapper made him more willing to follow along with Kenny setting himself up as a back-door boss.

Michael

Was the last of the killers to “crack” and come into the group (stalking and observing didn’t count)

Nobody knew what his name was until Amanda showed up. He was just “The Shape” to them. “Holy shit! That’s Michael Myers!” 

Nobody knew his Middle-Name until The Legion wouldn’t stop calling him “Audrey”

He ignores Evan and Herman, more so when they get into cockfights over leadership. They both tried to “appeal” to him at some point to join their side.

Within the first two nights of coming to the realm, he got into a fist-fight with Evan, they both ended up rather bloody and beaten out of it. They even managed to pull their masks off in the fight. At the end of it, Evan was all “You’re just some punk kid. You ain’t worth my time.” and left Myers to his isolation after that.

Herman showed up in the realm after Myers. He introduced himself, got nowhere with the questions, and began to preach at him about “dissociative disorders”.... things Myers heard far too much about from the doctors at Smiths Grove. But this doctor was dangerous, and he only had to be hit once by the doctors madness effect to realize not not to start a fight with him and to keep his distance if possible.

There was something about The Hag’s magic that sends him on edge. It makes the hairs prickle the back of his neck whenever she activates a teleport (he didn’t even have to hear or see it go off... he’d just know) . There was a lot of things about The Hag that The Shape part of his brain responds to, like they knew one another somehow....

When all the killers go on team missions, The Clown would be assigned to keep an eye on Michael (not necessarily to work as a team, but for buddy-system safety reasons). Kenny would often address him as “My Boy” instead of his name or “The Shape” ... Michael doesn’t mind it too much.

They first tried teaming The Spirit up with Myers, but he would refuse to work with her and she took every opportunity to shirk responsibilities (she basically reminded him too much of Judith)... so nothing got done.

Freddy once attempted to put Myers to sleep, it only put the “Michael” part to sleep, but The Shape fully took over and went into berserker mode. (The Trapper, The Hillbilly, The Doctor, The Nurse, and The Huntress were needed just to pin him down and they had to lock him up until he passed out)

Myers almost drowned once (the survivors had a water trap made for The Doctor, when they set it off it dropped half the killers into a lake along with it. The Doctor managed to get a hold of The Hag and Teleport out of the way). Anna had to drag him out of the water and give him mouth-to-mouth. She was then determined to teach him how to swim. (after he got over the pneumonia from having his lungs full of dirty pond water). He found the whole thing embarrassing... especially the lessons, having to be half necked in the water with Anna, who only had a pair of shorts on and had her arms around him....ffffff.... not to mention The Spirit was watching....fml.

Because of that, Anna was the first person he said something to in 15 years (even if it is 90% “yes” and “no”... everybody (besides The Legion) thought he was mute, but when Anna asked “can you breathe?” and he gagged out a “yes” it surprised them all.)

She convinced him to eat meals around the others more often after that. He stuck close to Anna, Bubba, and Kenny the most. He didn’t mind The Wraith that much either... Still don’t like The Spirit. And he only goes around The Nurse if he has to  (after a week being sick and in Sally’s care... he’s just done with ghosts.... Rin, Sally, Freddy.... gtf away)

He would be one of the better killers, if he didn’t play around so much with his kills. Anna showed him how to kill people/animals faster... it actually made him play with them even more because he then knew what to do to prolong the process.

Myers and Anna are both Bi-Ace.... love and friendship isn’t in Myers vocabulary... they got stuck in an endless “repay a favor” loop after her rescuing him and giving him lessons.

They have to work around each other when on a hunt. He personally thinks she is too noisy and annoying on a hunt, and she thinks he takes too long fooling around. (he often has to change his killing style to go around hers, which he does not like to do).

When they are paired together on a mission, they would eventually start fighting with each other... it startled the survivors when they heard Myers tell her to “Shut. the. FUCK. UP!” about the singing and telling him to hurry up.  She then got so mad she was cursing him out in Russian... The Survivors still joke about them being an old married couple.... to their faces even. Laurie especially).

#dead by daylight

[adventuresinawonderland]

Chloe’s Vulnerability & Emotional Journey

(In Defense of Chloe Decker Part 2)

So it’s official, Chloe & Cain are dating, or have been for a wk or 2. For clarity’s sake I’m not counting the Axara concert as a “date”. Nor the alluded to “dinner date” at the end of 3x18. As far as what’s been shown on screen, they’ve only been on one date. And things seem to be moving along quite normally for these two. Or as normal as can be when Chloe is using the relationship to mask her unresolved feelings for Lucifer. While Cain sees & exploits her emotional vulnerability & uses it as a means to an end.

Same Amenadiel, same... I know, it’s A LOT to take in. But don’t worry we can get through this. Just a forewarning, things may get salty. I’m just as protective of Chloe, as I am of Lucifer. And there have been things said about her that have really grinded my gears. The Mama Bear claws are out & sharpened. Our favorite detective has been through so much this past year & it’s about time we talk about it. Let’s dig in...

Since “Orange Is The New Maze” has been released, & even a bit before that, I’ve seen the term ‘OOC’ thrown around. Especially concerning Chloe Decker & a certain relationship she’s found herself in. People shouting into the void: “WHY IS SHE WITH HIM, DOESN’T SHE SEE HE’S TERRIBLE!?! FUCKING OOC!”  “THE WRITERS HAVE CHANGED HER JUST SO SHE COULD FIT INTO THIS LOVE TRIANGLE! UGHHH OOC BS! (these aren’t actual quotes from fans, but you get the gist)

Let’s start with the term ‘OOC’. According to Urban Dictionary aka the most reliable source of information next to Wikipedia... 

It’s an acronym that stands for "Out of Character"’; which is frequently used in one of two situations. Two situations that I’m fairly well versed in. As I’m sure most of you are too.

in role-playing, indicating that a person is making a comment, suggestion, etc., that isn't coming from the character but from the person him- or herself or their-self.

in fanfiction, signaling that the way the author chose to portray the characters (or perhaps unintentionally portrayed them) may not be consistent with how the characters act, think, or speak in the original work on which the fanfiction is based. 

Now I’m not saying it’s IMPOSSIBLE for writers to loose sense of a character’s personality, morals etc. on a tv show. Believe me I’ve seen it happen, & have the emotional scars & frustrations to prove it. Thankfully this show has had the rare luck of having the same writers for the vast majority of it’s run. Something that’s largely unheard of. With that in mind, we can assume that most, if not all the writers have a good grasp on who Chloe (& the others) are at their core. 

Also Chloe isn’t the main focus; Lucifer is. I mean his name is in the title ;). Not to mention all the other characters the writers have to cultivate & give as equal screen time as possible. Meaning her journey isn’t always going to be at the forefront; which can be frustrating at times. There have been hints at the inner struggle going on in Chloe. It’s subtle, but it’s there if you’re willing to look for it.

One of the similarities between Chloe & Lucifer is they keep their hearts heavily guarded. They’ve been hurt in the past, & those events have shaped them into the characters they are today. Another similarity between them is their tendency to keep their inner turmoil locked up. Putting on a smile & pretending like nothing is wrong. 

“I love making you believe, What you get is what you see. But I’m so fake happy, I feel so fake happy. And I bet everybody here, Is just as insincere.  Fake Happy, Paramore

“I can let my guard down with you. I don’t do that with anyone else. You make me vulnerable; & maybe that’s ok.” - (Chloe/1x11) Thus one of the tethers that bonded these two characters was formed. Now how they both deal with this vulnerability is what’s really interesting. Lucifer, we can all agree, has a flair for the dramatic. Mostly stemmed from the fact that he’s never had to deal with these kinds of emotions while ruling Hell. Jealousy, fear, love... these are all brand new to him; & his reactions to them are powerful. Chloe, of course being human, is used to feeling these emotions. For her it’s just another part of life. Her reactions to things that hurt her are going to be subtle. There have only been a handful of times where Chloe let what she was feeling on the inside out; ‘My Little Monkey’ being a prime example.

Our detective was introduced in the pilot as a ‘by the book’ cop. She keeps her feelings close to her chest; & only when provoked do we see her roar. In fact the only time I’ve seen a break from this is during her interactions w/ Cain. From day one he placed Chloe at the bottom of the totem pole. All she did was politely introduce herself & in the next breath he was lessening her importance. As I’ve stated in previous posts this immediately causes there to be an imbalance in their relationship. Them being together hasn’t changed that; if anything it’s made it worse. Do you have a pin handy... well it’s time to break it out. We’ll get back to ‘Carcus’ in a bit; for right now it’s all about Chloe.

Remember that old saying I referenced in my post about 3x18; “Can’t see the forest for the trees” Boy do I love a good callback. In this situation “the trees” is Chloe’s relationship with Cain & “the forest” is her emotional struggle that has led her to this point. Now it’s time I say we shed some light on it.

Chloe Jane Decker is hardworking & put’s her all into every case that comes her way. The people she cares about always come first, & she’ll gladly suffer in silence to make sure none of them feel any pain. Chloe is a strong, multi dimensional character that has been an absolute joy to see on screen. She has been portrayed beautifully by Lauren German, who deserves all the praise in the world. All of this shouldn’t come as a surprise to any of you.

I feel it’s safe to assume that Chloe has never “made the first move”. She’s more of a slow & steady kind of woman. The only ex we know of is Dan; & I’d classify him as the ‘safe option’. It was easy for Chloe to warm up to him, date him, & the rest is history. Which is why it’s shocking to her when she realizes that she’s developed feelings for a person like Lucifer. He’s spontaneous, outspoken, loves to be the center of attention; everything she’s not. Made even more shocking when she starts to believe that Lucifer may have feelings for her as well. Feelings she tries to deny repeatedly, especially in 2x11. Claiming they didn’t have a moment, they’re too different, etc. I personally love these instances with Chloe; I refer to them as her ‘thinking out loud’ moments aka ‘me everyday of my life’. The things she’s voicing aren’t for anyone’s benefit, but her own. It’s like Chloe’s trying to rationalize her emotions. ‘Maybe if I say out loud that Lucifer & I wouldn’t work, then maybe it’ll be true.’ 

^^^Sorry not sorry This tactic of course is futile, as shown by the surprise smooch she lays on our devil. Not ONCE but TWICE!! Chloe made the first move; she put herself out there. That’s a big deal. From day one Lucifer has been very heavy handed w/ the sexual innuendos. Going so far as to try & sleep with her in 1x04. But in the end he thinks better of it as he becomes more aware of Chloe’s boundaries. The only other time Chloe’s made a move was when she arrived wasted at Lucifer’s penthouse at the end of 1x10. To which Lucifer refused her advances immediately. Because the devil is, if anything, a gentleman; also consent. When Chloe kisses Lucifer; she’s at her most vulnerable. She’s letting him in in a way she hasn’t before. Letting him know that she believes him to be more than worthy of her; no matter what he believes his flaws to be.

As I’ve stated, Chloe feels it’s her duty to shoulder the pain that everyone around her is feeling above her own. A trait I’m sure is the product of loosing her father at such a young age. She has to be strong; for her mom, her daughter, everyone. While at the same time pushing everything that’s effecting her to the back burner; 2x07 being a perfect example. I lost count of the amount of times Chloe looked like she was ready to collapse in a pool of tears. But she didn’t, she had to be an unbreakable force of nature. It’s only during the final scene with Lucifer that she finally lets herself go. You can see the thoughts playing out on Chloe’s face the second before she rushes into his arms. She’s at war with her emotions. Until finally she exclaims “Oh just... Shut up!”; again we have another ‘thinking out loud’ moment. Luci doesn't need to shut up; it's her thoughts that need to. Chloe is making the choice to ignore the consequences, no overthinking it. All she wants right now is to be comforted, & Lucifer is the only person she feels the safest with.

^^^That single tear gets me every time. My precious baby. Now, what could cause a character as strong & caring as our detective to fall into an abusive relationship? The answer lies in 2x14; & the episodes proceeding it. Just like how the events in 2x12 were the catalyst to Lucifer’s actions in 2x13. Lucifer’s response of ‘Friends, yes that’s exactly what we are.’ in 2x14 shatters Chloe’s world. Again she looks like she’s about to crumble; her voice is shaky, her breathing is uneven. Only this time, she can’t run into Lucifer’s arms to find comfort. He’s worlds away from her now. What she thought they had was & is an illusion. A hug, a touch, a kiss; moments that meant everything to her, clearly meant nothing to him. So she sucks it up; suppresses those feelings of rejection & a love unrequited.

”I can’t call you a stranger, But I can’t call you. I know you think that I erased you. You may hate me, But I can’t hate you. And I won’t replace you. Tell me how to feel about you now? Oh let me know, Do I suffocate or let go? Tell Me How, Paramore

There’s a clear line connecting the catalyst of Chloe’s emotional spiral in ‘Candy Morningstar’ to the present time heading into ‘The Angel of San Bernardino’. Most of these moments were subtle, but powerful when looked at closely. In my mind it proves Chloe’s actions or in actions aren’t the product of bad/lazy writing. And they’re most definitely not sacrificing her character in order to make this ‘love triangle’ happen. Or as the kids like to call it ‘OOC’. 

Let’s do a bit of reading between the lines shall we?!

“Our partnership ended when you ghosted me & the entire department.

“...What good is a partner if I can’t depend on you.” 

“How could you... I thought we were... I thought we were friends.”  (2x14)

unsaid: -I kissed you; I let you in & you left without a word. Why? -I put my trust in you & you abused it. I need someone I can rely on. I thought that was you. -Where do we stand. I have feelings for you; I thought you had feelings for me. That’s why I kissed you, why I let you in. But now you’re married & I don’t know what to think & how to feel.

”You know I keep caring... & you, you just... Lucifer.” (3x01)

“These feelings are stupid. Lucifer & I are friends, partners. I’m past anything romantic with him. Full on rear view, in the past.” (3x06)

“Are you really that self absorbed that you don’t realize your actions hurt people, hurt me.”  “Then why are you still here?”  (3x12)

unsaid:  -I open my heart & you keep taking advantage of it. Are you stringing me along; is this a game to you? -I love working with him, & being around him; but it hurts. One min we’re hot, the next we’re cold. I want to be over him, but I don’t think I ever will be. -If you don’t care about me, then why do you do these things. I’m still heartbroken; & I’m even more confused than before. I need to know where we stand cause I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Lucifer broke Chloe’s heart in more ways than one in 2x14. And that pain is prolonged due to his attempts to “protect her/almost let her in/etc.”. To Chloe it feels as if he’s stringing her along, taking two steps forward than a giant leap back.

You keep me up with you silence Take me down with your quiet Of all the weapons you fight with, Your silence is the most violent.” Tell Me How, Paramore

All these emotions swirling inside has left Chloe vulnerable. If you’ve ever suffered from any kind of lapse in mental health you know how easy it is to let someone in that may have a negative influence on you. In this confusion & inner turmoil, is where Cain pounces. He seems nice enough, the perfect distraction to Chloe’s unresolved feelings. She just wants to find happiness outside of the yearning she still has for Lucifer.

Cain can see the bond Chloe & Lucifer have, as well as the ocean that now separates them. Realizing that maybe he went about it all wrong the first time. Maybe if he forms a similar bond w/ Chloe he’ll be on the road to what he’s always wanted. So he lays what little charm he has on her strong. Tells her everything she wants to hear in order to lull her into a false sense of security. Those walls he appeared to have before, are gone all because of her. Normally this is where a million red flags would be going off in Chloe’s mind; & they are. Unfortunately because she’s been so weighed down by everything that’s gone on w/ Lucifer she overlooks them. It’s easier to pretend everything is fine, than to feel the pain. 

I know I said that I was doing good, And that I’m happy now. Shoulda known that when things were going good That’s when I’d get knocked down. Fake Happy, Paramore

Chloe has every right to feel how she’s feeling. She has every right to seek out a relationship w/ whomever she wants. It’s just annoying that she’s having to figure all this out while being saddled w/ a person who doesn’t respect her. Part of Chloe is trying to move on from Lucifer, but the other doesn’t want to; sound familiar? -cough; Lucifer -cough;. It’s frustrating, confusing, & completely in character.

This is a valid part of Chloe’s journey. It wasn’t plucked out of thin air for the sake of a ‘love triangle’. The writers laid the groundwork for it in S2 & have connected it through to S3. Parts may have gotten lost along the way but it’s there. If they’d had Chloe ignore these feelings, made her pretend like everything Lucifer has said/done wasn’t effecting her it would’ve been a disservice. Not only to Chloe, but to the story, & to us the viewers.  Truthfully I feel people have been a lil too heavy handed w/ the ‘OOC’ term. I’ve mostly seen it used as a means to say they disagree with what Chloe or -insert character here; has been doing. All I have to say to that is: Do you know how many times I’ve disagreed w/ a characters actions? A LOT! I’ve disagreed w/ Lucifer multiple times. I love my son, but sometimes he needs to be put in time out. It’s what makes a character unique, what keeps us watching. Do you know how boring it would be if we agreed w/ every thing a character did? Extremely.  Part of storytelling is putting characters into different situations & seeing how they deal with them. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. In the end they’ll come out stronger, & more fleshed out than they were before. 

Each one of the characters on ‘Lucifer’ is dealing w/ their own emotional/mental health struggles. Our devil isn’t the only one who needs to hire a therapist. When I see people praising Lucifer’s or Maze’s growth from S1 to now, while at the same time denouncing Chloe’s pisses me off. It’s as if because Chloe is human she’s already a fully realized character with no more room to grow. So many of you have been complaining that she hasn’t “been doing anything” this season. News flash, yes she has. Chloe’s juggling being a single mom of a 10 yr old while managing a  full time career as a homicide detective. On top of that she’s been struggling w/ her unresolved feelings for Lucifer. We should be praising her for staying strong & not completely breaking down under the pressure.

^^^Maze is on the prowl, you know I mean business. Consider yourselves warned. #ChloeDeckerDefenseSquad I applaud the writers for taking this route with Chloe. Rarely do we ever see the beginnings of an abusive relationship portrayed so accurately. I’ve watched it be attempted, but more often than not the outcome is lackluster. Almost like the writers got spooked halfway through, or one of the higher ups told them to make it more palatable. People like Cain exist & should be talked about. Just because Chloe is overlooking these signs at the moment, doesn’t mean we should. Take away Cain’s immortality & he’s your average dude bro preying on women, or anyone. Everything is a game to them, a means to an end. I’m certain that if Chloe didn’t have a good head on her shoulders & an army of people to defend her, things would only escalate further. I’ve had the misfortune of being witness to these types of relationships on more than one occasion. They’re terrifying & I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If we can find a positive from this plotline it’s to recognize Cain’s actions & words for what they are. Words of an abuser, a manipulator, a sociopath, etc. Don’t settle for someone who makes you feel less than. You deserve to be loved & treated respectfully. Take note of these signs & protect yourselves & others. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Now that the main discussion is out of the way, let’s do a bit of spring cleaning if you will... Welcome to ‘Em’s Salty Corner’ aka ‘People Need To Find Their Chill’ This week we’ll be discussing the infamous ‘Bullet Necklace’ circa 3x19 Some of you were more than a little pissed at Chloe’s dismissal of it. “How dare she think this gift was a joke?!!?!!?! LUCIFER GAVE IT TO YOU BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU YOU BITCH!!” (again I’m paraphrasing here...) Now, look I’d be lying if I said Chloe’s line didn’t hurt my heart, cause it did. But instead of jumping to conclusions over it I paid attention to the whole scene. Her body language, her tone of voice, everything. And do you know what I see? I see a woman trying to lessen the significance of an item so as not to trigger her abuser. Followed later by an apology from the woman for hurting said abuser. When in reality there was nothing for Chloe to apologize for.

“It’s unfair of me to ask you to deal with this” Deal with what? A gift you received months before y’all were dating? He has no right to tell you what to do, how to act, how to feel, what to wear, etc. You’ve been dating him for less than 2 wks; Chloe this is BS & you know it somewhere deep in your heart. These are the classic signs of a dysfunctional relationship & yet y’all are focusing on whether or not Chloe thinks Lucifer got her a ‘joke gift’

^^^Lucifer & I are not amused. You saw the heart eyes Chloe was making while talking about that necklace right? She loves that necklace, & cherishes the memories she has when receiving it. Not to mention the look of longing she had aimed at Lucifer in the parking garage. There was more electricity in those missed glances than in all of Carcus’s scenes combined. Seriously what even was that peck; their lips barely touched. It looked like the kind of kiss you’d give an aging relative you haven’t seen since you were 3. If anything it was the perfect example of when 2 actors with no chemistry are made to pretend like they do.    Chloe referred to this gift as BEAUTIFUL upon first receiving it for crying out loud. If Chloe was really under Cain’s “spell” she wouldn’t be wearing it. Paraphrasing what I’d said in my previous post: Our detective openly wearing this is her way of telling Lucifer that he’s still important to her. Chloe’s heart belongs to him, he was her first choice. She’s trying to move on, but she’ll soon realize it’s with the wrong person.

“Do friends give you jewelry” Yes Cain, they fucking do. Especially ones who are destined to be together. So she was wearing a necklace, big deal! You’ve been dating for a min, chillax. I don’t see a ring on her finger... too much? ;). And even if there was, Chloe’s her own person with her own free will. What’s next, are you going to tell Chloe she can’t put one of Trixie’s alien drawings on the fridge? God I can’t wait for your ass to be grass. And thus concludes “Em’s Salty Corner”; we hope to see you again soon! :)

^^^Remember wuss’s don’t get any. Speaking of everyone’s favorite pigtailed, alien loving little cutie. Before I sign off I’d like to direct you to a post I & a bunch of other awesome people contributed to. It’s mostly us speculating about 3x20 & the rest of the season (prior to the release of 3x20/21/22 synopsis’s). I especially want you to focus on my section theorizing/discussing Dan’s “Cat Analogy”. All I’ll say here is that I believe Dan’s assurances that Lucifer is the ‘cat’ in Chloe’s life is false. Think we can all agree that a certain little girl holds more weight when it comes to Chloe making “life changing decisions.” Cain isn’t gonna know what hit him when he meets that little girl. As we head into the final 5 episodes remember to keep an open mind, have faith in the writers, & keep a steady grasp on your sanity. There have been a lot of crazy theories floating around; some intriguing, & some are out of this world. But that’s one of the best things about being in a fandom, we each see the thing we love differently. Even better when we’ve created a space in which we could converse w/o fear of reproach. Keep spreading the positivity & love! Whatever this show has in store for us will be amazing, as it always is. Till next time!! xoxox Em

Tribe:  @psychicninja90 @mametupa @aeruthien @boundtobeafraid @deckoutinstars @ships-sailing-in-the-night @ohmymorningstar, @youcantmakeme, @frankcastle, @sanoiro @wpbianca99, @mischief-with-sandra, @mendokayalways, @lux-i-fer, 

#it has been completed #finally!!! #take that technical difficulties #and with plenty of time to spare #pats self on back #lucifer spec #lucifer on fox #lucifer s3 #lucifer spoilers #chloe decker #team chloe decker #chloe decker defense squad #lauren german #lucifer theories #rambles

[shirlleycoyle]

Apple and Google’s Coronavirus Tracking Plan Is a Symptom of Their Power

As the coronavirus pandemic rages on, national economies are crumbling under the weight of lockdowns that slow the spread of the virus and ultimately save lives. Capitalism can't wait any longer, and so governments are looking for a way to get people back to working and consuming even if the virus isn't defeated.

To do this, Apple and Google stepped forward Friday with a proposal that is as predictable for the Silicon Valley giants as it is mind-boggling in scope: large-scale passive digital surveillance using every iOS and Android device.

While some applauded the proposal, it reflects a deep imbalance in society that was there before Covid-19: This is only possible for Apple and Google due to their immense corporate power, cultivated over many years, which effectively makes them the only available choice in a dire crisis. Their plan risks further entrenching that influence. And even if the tech giants hold to their promise of disabling the feature once the pandemic ends, this influence is what will stick around long after; not a faded remnant of the pre-pandemic world, but an enlarging feature of post-virus capitalism.

In the absence of a competent government response to the virus, and within a fragile and precarious economic system, politicians seem primed to put their faith in what Google and Apple are proposing because they are proposing something.

"A lot of experts will tell you there's a lot of issues and limitations with false positives and negatives, biases in the data, lack of data, that most policymakers won't understand," said technologist Ashkan Soltani in an interview. "In general there's this tech utopianism or idealism that doesn't pan out even if policymakers hope it does."

The broad strokes of the plan are to update iOS and Android to accommodate a protocol where everybody's phone is constantly tracking everybody else's near them using anonymous Bluetooth identifiers. While many details need to be worked out, health authorities can build their own apps on top of the protocol to collect identifiable information from people (which is a can of worms itself) and integrate official medical diagnoses. It's possible that this kind of digital "contact tracing" could include self-diagnoses, like in the U.K., which might alert people who have been in the proximity of the anonymous ID of someone who has Covid-19 symptoms but who hasn't had a test.

Apple and Google aren't the first entities to propose such a scheme, but their power makes it nearly impossible for anybody but them to do it effectively. Singapore developed its own Bluetooth contact tracing app called TraceTogether and even made its API open source, posting the code to GitHub. As the TraceTogether team wrote in a blog last week, implementing the app on iOS in particular came with numerous difficulties.

"We faced limitations that prevented us from accessing full Bluetooth scanning functionality in the background on iOS devices," the TraceTogether blog states. This negatively affected the user experience and usage, the blog explains, and it was the "very best" the engineers could do within the restrictions.

According to Soltani, Apple and Google's proposal exploits their massive market domination and control over their platforms to bypass these issues and jumpstart adoption.

"With an open source framework, you can't do things like run continuously in the background on Apple. They've disabled that feature," he said. "Surely, you can build an open source solution and try to get all the companies to support it⁠—not even companies, all the developers, CDC, NHS, whoever is developing the apps, to support it. That would be a hard coordination task, and this has the benefit of quickly laying down a protocol that anyone can [use]."

One reason for Apple's approach historically, Soltani pointed out, is that locking down the App Store and iOS generally can help to keep users safe from poorly-coded or privacy-invading apps, whether they're made by governments or random programmers.

This has also had the effect of giving companies greater control over what you can run on your own device, which is why, at least historically, iPhone owners have often jailbroken their devices.

According to Paul-Olivier Dehaye, founder of Swiss non profit PersonalData.IO, Apple and Google's proposal as it stands could further entrench their influence at a critical time. For example, if the system ultimately relies on self-diagnoses that aren't confirmed by a test, it will be open to all sorts of spoofing and trolling intended to mess with it.

"This is a place where there will be all sorts of geopolitical attacks as well: people feeding wrong IDs, spam, or distributed denial-of-service," Dehaye said. "And Google and Apple are going to be in charge of policing this? There is a question mark there. We don't know how it's going to play out. So, that's a worry."

Dehaye explained that there are also open questions about the criteria that the companies would apply to apps from health authorities that they allow on their platforms, and any issues that might arise there. "There's a lot of power there yet to be structured and Apple and Google have the prerogative there. That's something I think people should be very vigilant about," Dehaye said.

Is surveillance for contact tracing, in some form, helpful in a pandemic? Possibly, and possibly not. But Apple and Google's proposal is utterly predictable given that the last decade-plus has been defined by the slow acclimation to constant tracking and surveillance by corporations and the government, for the often interlocking purposes of "economy" and "safety." Now, these trends are coalescing in the form of a big pitch from big tech that comes off a bit like stepping into a spotlight that they set up long ago.

While this is a bit different from Bluetooth proximity tracking now being proposed, before the pandemic, in November 2019, Google was touting how its technology could be used for "tracking pandemics" as well as "people's responses to conflict and natural disasters," among other proposals. The tech giants were self-appointed and primed to step into whatever crisis role presented itself as being potentially helped by a general purpose surveillance platform, which is what all of our cellphones are.

Importantly, without an actual public health response to match, experts worry that a massive surveillance rollout isn't likely to do much to stop the virus.

"Because these systems can lead to false positives, we might fall back to testing, in which case we're still in the bottleneck of standard testing," Soltani said. "My next question is: Why even have these apps at all?"

Without proper testing, without enough protective equipment, and without a social safety net, it is increasingly looking like Americans will be asked to head back to work sooner rather than later, even if it is not completely safe to do so. In the absence of a competent, compassionate government response, what we do have is a massive number of devices that can be turned into a society-wide net of constant checkpoints with the flip of a switch.

Big tech is already making hay during its moment in the sun, while the rest of the world is plunging into darkness. On Tuesday, former Google CEO Eric Schmidt said during an Economic Club of New York livestream that we should all be "a little grateful" for the efforts of corporations during the crisis.

Whether Apple and Google's proposal takes hold or not, and whether it actually works or not, is beside the point. If not for this tragedy, but for the inevitable next one, tech companies are ready to never let a crisis go to waste.

Apple and Google’s Coronavirus Tracking Plan Is a Symptom of Their Power syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[jacquetta1906-blog]

Lent

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[dogsandcatslover-blog]

The demand to be safe in relationship inevitably breeds sorrow and fear. This seeking for security is inviting insecurity. Have you ever found security in any of your relationships? Have you? Most of us want the security of loving and being loved, but is there love when each one of us is seeking his own security, his own particular path? We are not loved because we don’t know how to love.

What is love? The word is so loaded and corrupted that I hardly like to use it. Everybody talks of love—every magazine and newspaper and every missionary talks everlastingly of love. I love my country, I love my king, I love some book, I love that mountain, I love pleasure, I love my wife, I love God. Is love an idea? If it is, it can be cultivated, nourished, cherished, pushed around, twisted in any way you like. When you say you love God what does it mean? It means that you love a projection of your own imagination, a projection of yourself clothed in certain forms of respectability according to what you think is noble and holy; so to say, ‘I love God’, is absolute nonsense. When you worship God you are worshipping yourself—and that is not love.

Because we cannot solve this human thing called love we run away into abstractions. Love may be the ultimate solution to all man’s difficulties, problems and travails, so how are we going to find out what love is? By merely defining it? The church has defined it one way, society another and there are all sorts of deviations and perversions. Adoring someone, sleeping with someone, the emotional exchange, the companionship—is that what we mean by love? That has been the norm, the pattern, and it has become so tremendously personal, sensuous, and limited that religions have declared that love is something much more than this. In what they call human love they see there is pleasure, competition, jealousy, the desire to possess, to hold, to control and to interfere with another’s thinking, and knowing the complexity of all this they say there must be another kind of love, divine beautiful untouched, uncorrupted.

Throughout the world, so-called holy men have maintained that to look at a woman is something totally wrong: they say you cannot come near to God if you indulge in sex, therefore they push it aside although they are eaten up with it. But by denying sexuality they put out their eyes and cut out their tongues for they deny the whole beauty of the earth. They have starved their hearts and minds; they are dehydrated human beings; they have banished beauty because beauty is associated with woman.

Can love be divided into the sacred and the profane, the human and the divine, or is there only love? Is love of the one and not of the many? If I say, ‘I love you’, does that exclude the love of the other? Is love personal or impersonal? Moral or immoral? Family or non-family? If you love mankind can you love the particular? Is love sentiment? Is love emotion? Is love pleasure and desire? All these questions indicate, don’t they, that we have ideas about love, ideas about what it should or should not be, a pattern or a code developed by the culture in which we live.

So to go into the question of what love is we must first free it from the encrustation of centuries, put away all ideals and ideologies of what it should or should not be. To divide anything into what should be and what is, is the most deceptive way of dealing with life.

Now how am I going to find out what this flame is which we call love—not how to express it to another but what it means in itself? I will first reject what the church, what society, what my parents and friends, what every person and every book has said about it because I want to find out for myself what it is. Here is an enormous problem that involves the whole of mankind, there have been a thousand ways of defining it and I myself am caught in some pattern or other according to what I like or enjoy at the moment—so shouldn’t I, in order to understand it, first free myself from my own inclinations and prejudices? I am confused, torn by my own desires, so I say to myself, ‘First clear up your own confusion. perhaps you may be able to discover what love is through what it is not.’

The government says, ‘Go and kill for the love of your country’. Is that love? Religion says, ‘Give up sex for the love of God’. Is that love? Is love desire? Don’t say no. For most of us it is—desire with pleasure, the pleasure that is derived through the senses, through sexual attachment and fulfilment. I am not against sex, but see what is involved in it. What sex gives you momentarily is the total abandonment of yourself, then you are back again with your turmoil, so you want a repetition over and over again of that state in which there is no worry, no problem, no self. You say you love your wife. In that love is involved sexual pleasure, the pleasure of having someone in the house to look after your children, to cook. You depend on her; she has given you her body, her emotions, her encouragement, a certain feeling of security and well-being. Then she turns away from you; she gets bored or goes off with someone else, and your whole emotional balance is destroyed, and this disturbance, which you don’t like, is called jealousy. There is pain in it, anxiety, hate and violence. So what you are really saying is, ‘As long as you belong to me I love you but the moment you don’t I begin to hate you. As long as I can rely on you to satisfy my demands, sexual and otherwise, I love you, but the moment you cease to supply what I want I don’t like you.’ So there is antagonism between you, there is separation, and when you feel separate from another there is no love. But if you can live with your wife without thought creating all these contradictory states, these endless quarrels in yourself, then perhaps—perhaps—you will know what love is. Then you are completely free and so is she, whereas if you depend on her for all your pleasure you are a slave to her. So when one loves there must be freedom, not only from the other person but from oneself.

This belonging to another, being psychologically nourished by another, depending on another—in all this there must always be anxiety, fear, jealousy, guilt, and so long as there is fear there is no love; a mind ridden with sorrow will never know what love is; sentimentality and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever to do with love. And so love is not to do with pleasure and desire.

Love is not the product of thought which is the past. Thought cannot possibly cultivate love. Love is not hedged about and caught in jealousy, for jealousy is of the past. Love is always active present. It is not ‘I will love’ or ‘I have loved’. If you know love you will not follow anybody. Love does not obey. When you love there is neither respect nor disrespect.

Don’t you know what it means really to love somebody to love without hate, without jealousy, without anger, without wanting to interfere with what he is doing or thinking, without condemning, without comparing—don’t you know what it means? Where there is love is there comparison? When you love someone with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your body, with your entire being, is there comparison? When you totally abandon yourself to that love there is not the other.

Does love have responsibility and duty, and will it use those words? When you do something out of duty is there any love in it? In duty there is no love. The structure of duty in which the human being is caught is destroying him. So long as you are compelled to do something because it is your duty you don’t love what you are doing. When there is love there is no duty and no responsibility.

Most parents unfortunately think they are responsible for their children and their sense of responsibility takes the form of telling them what they should do and what they should not do, what they should become and what they should not become. The parents want their children to have a secure position in society. What they call responsibility is part of that respectability they worship; and it seems to me that where there is respectability there is no order; they are concerned only with becoming a perfect bourgeois. When they prepare their children to fit into society they are perpetuating war, conflict and brutality. Do you call that care and love?

Really to care is to care as you would for a tree or a plant, watering it, studying its needs, the best soil for it, looking after it with gentleness and tenderness—but when you prepare your children to fit into society you are preparing them to be killed. If you loved your children you would have no war.

When you lose someone you love you shed tears—are your tears for yourself or for the one who is dead? Are you crying for yourself or for another? Have you ever cried for another? Have you ever cried for your son who was killed on the battlefield? You have cried, but do those tears come out of self-pity or have you cried because a human being has been killed? If you cry out of self-pity your tears have no meaning because you are concerned about yourself. If you are crying because you are bereft of one in whom you have invested a great deal of affection, it was not really affection. When you cry for your brother who dies cry for him. It is very easy to cry for yourself because he is gone. Apparently you are crying because your heart is touched, but it is not touched for him, it is only touched by self-pity and self-pity makes you hard, encloses you, makes you dull and stupid.

When you cry for yourself, is it love—crying because you are lonely, because you have been left, because you are no longer powerful—complaining of your lot, your environment—always you in tears? If you understand this, which means to come in contact with it as directly as you would touch a tree or a pillar or a hand, then you will see that sorrow is self-created, sorrow is created by thought, sorrow is the outcome of time. I had my brother three years ago, now he is dead, now I am lonely, aching, there is no one to whom I can look for comfort or companionship, and it brings tears to my eyes.

You can see all this happening inside yourself if you watch it. You can see it fully, completely, in one glance, not take analytical time over it. You can see in a moment the whole structure and nature of this shoddy little thing called ‘me’, my tears, my family, my nation, my belief, my religion—all that ugliness, it is all inside you. When you see it with your heart, not with your mind, when you see it from the very bottom of your heart, then you have the key that will end sorrow.

Sorrow and love cannot go together, but in the Christian world they have idealized suffering, put it on a cross and worshipped it, implying that you can never escape from suffering except through that one particular door, and this is the whole structure of an exploiting religious society.

So when you ask what love is, you may be too frightened to see the answer. It may mean complete upheaval; it may break up the family; you may discover that you do not love your wife or husband or children—do you?—you may have to shatter the house you have built, you may never go back to the temple.

But if you still want to find out, you will see that fear is not love, dependence is not love, jealousy is not love, possessiveness and domination are not love, responsibility and duty are not love, self-pity is not love, the agony of not being loved is not love, love is not the opposite of hate any more than humility is the opposite of vanity. So if you can eliminate all these, not by forcing them but by washing them away as the rain washes the dust of many days from a leaf, then perhaps you will come upon this strange flower which man always hungers after.

If you have not got love—not just in little drops but in abundance—if you are not filled with it—the world will go to disaster. You know intellectually that the unity of mankind is essential and that love is the only way, but who is going to teach you how to love? Will any authority, any method, any system, tell you how to love? If anyone tells you, it is not love. Can you say, ‘I will practise love. I will sit down day after day and think about it. I will practise being kind and gentle and force myself to pay attention to others’? Do you mean to say that you can discipline yourself to love, exercise the will to love? When you exercise discipline and will to love, love goes out of the window. By practising some method or system of loving you may become extraordinarily clever or more kindly or get into a state of non-violence, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with love.

In this torn desert world there is no love because pleasure and desire play the greatest roles, yet without love your daily life has no meaning. And you cannot have love if there is no beauty. Beauty is not something you see—not a beautiful tree, a beautiful picture, a beautiful building or a beautiful woman. There is beauty only when your heart and mind know what love is. Without love and that sense of beauty there is no virtue, and you know very well that, do what you will, improve society, feed the poor, you will only be creating more mischief, for without love there is only ugliness and poverty in your own heart and mind. But when there is love and beauty, whatever you do is right, whatever you do is in order. If you know how to love, then you can do what you like because it will solve all other problems.

So we reach the point: can the mind come upon love without discipline, without thought, without enforcement, without any book, any teacher or leader—come upon it as one comes upon a lovely sunset?

It seems to me that one thing is absolutely necessary and that is passion without motive—passion that is not the result of some commitment or attachment, passion that is not lust. A man who does not know what passion is will never know love because love can come into being only when there is total self-abandonment.

A mind that is seeking is not a passionate mind and to come upon love without seeking it is the only way to find it—to come upon it unknowingly and not as the result of any effort or experience. Such a love, you will find, is not of time; such a love is both personal and impersonal, is both the one and the many. Like a flower that has perfume you can smell it or pass it by. That flower is for everybody and for the one who takes trouble to breathe it deeply and look at it with delight. Whether one is very near in the garden, or very far away, it is the same to the flower because it is full of that perfume and therefore it is sharing with everybody.

Love is something that is new, fresh, alive. It has no yesterday and no tomorrow. It is beyond the turmoil of thought. It is only the innocent mind which knows what love is, and the innocent mind can live in the world which is not innocent. To find this extraordinary thing which man has sought endlessly through sacrifice, through worship, through relationship, through sex, through every form of pleasure and pain, is only possible when thought comes to understand itself and comes naturally to an end. Then love has no opposite, then love has no conflict.

You may ask, ‘If I find such a love, what happens to my wife, my children, my family? They must have security.’ When you put such a question you have never been outside the field of thought, the field of consciousness. When once you have been outside that field you will never ask such a question because then you will know what love is in which there is no thought and therefore no time. You may read this mesmerized and enchanted, but actually to go beyond thought and time—which means going beyond sorrow—is to be aware that there is a different dimension called love.

But you don’t know how to come to this extraordinary fount—so what do you do? If you don’t know what to do, you do nothing, don’t you? Absolutely nothing. Then inwardly you are completely silent. Do you understand what that means? It means that you are not seeking, not wanting, not pursuing; there is no centre at all. Then there is love.

#love #lovely #love quotes #i love you #couple #quotes

[my-world-in-silence]

Perhaps, who we are isn't what we do, but what we're capable of when we least expect it.

So many things can really get under anyone’s skin. And too many people think that they have all the right to plainly express their annoyance–-to a person or about a situation. It’s all so apparent how everyone is too self-absorbed. As if everybody has the responsibility to bother keeping them pleased and see to it that they’re not inconvenienced by another’s attitude (or personality)! What?! Are they seriously thinking that the world must adjust to what makes them comfortable and satisfied? The world is never ours to be so entitled. We all share the same space. We must all co-exist and stop behaving as if some others don’t have our same privileges, such as freedom to be what one is and self expression.

This is a reminder mostly to MYSELF. I get to look at the world time and time again from my small peephole, the social media. And by observance, I can readily tell what kind of a person one is. Have seen those who think they matter much that they make sure others feel little. Yet when the same is done to them, they’ll protest like they’ve always been saints. And there are those who try so hard to fit in. And sadly, they rather force themselves into boxes that turn them into the opposite of their best version. There are those who simply want to help contribute to the world. Bravely expressing their noble ideas and remaining loyal to their values. Some others just let themselves be swayed anywhere and everywhere, perhaps because life’s been too tough to even give a damn what everybody else thinks. Of course, it doesn’t end there. There are still a lot more.

That’s labeling. And if I were to label myself, surely, I’d do so with gracious understanding of my inner state. I won’t be too harsh in condemning my grave mistakes. And I’d defend the reasons behind every lapses. How I wish we all do the same to/for each other. Which, mind you, isn’t that easy. I’ve been trying....struggling to be that. Not because of my innate good, but because Someone greater than myself is leading me to the person I ought to be. Like right now. My fingers type differently from what I came here to say. When the reason why I am here is because I detest how this one person’s behavior has been getting into me. I wanna rant! Have been so upset with how anyone (someone) can simply say one thing and mean another…or do exactly the opposite what they professed. And am upset about it because it hurts to believe a word forced to you just to later on realize that it really isn’t what’s true in them.

Who wouldn’t get annoyed when someone comes to you and acts (persuade you) they truly like you and convinces you they accept you just the person you are, yet keeps getting disappointed you’re not the person they wish you to be? Worse, they will eventually make you feel so put aside by making sure you feel their disappointment. One of the many ways they do this is by liking all your friends posts on Facebook, while your posts they leave alone. To think those FRIENDS aren’t their friends, in the first place, if it weren’t because of you! Am annoyed not only because they can’t be true to their words but also because of the behavior. One may mean something now and verbally tell of it, but later on can change their minds. That’s everyone’s prerogative. I’ll not touch that. I won’t take that against anyone. But, the decency to behave like an adult, plus to also weigh things with maturity couldn’t be too much to ask. I mean, come on! We all have our own sets of friends. How pathetic one can get trying to act as if MY friends are their friends when they have more than enough circle of friends to attend to! They make me feel an outcast in my own sphere by ignoring me while paying attention to every single person not even their own crowd but just are linked to them because of me! I dunno if this is anything like a rare case and I’d get really frustrated if it is, cause it would only mean nobody can sympathize with me. It’s been centuries back since I last ranted like this, so you can all safely tell this has gone way beyond my understanding. Just what is that person’s problem?!

And I know am ranting pointlessly because would that person even know?! What’s more frustrating is that I am not the kind of person who would influence everyone else to side with me. While this person tries so hard to maintain their position in my circle. And the very fact that this person can’t acknowledge the things I explained a number of times (to disprove all accusations in their mind about me, which roots from one main issue--I won’t force myself into their mold) is what makes matters worse. Which is why I am left with nothing to do but to co-exist. This person convinced me that I don’t have to be anyone else but myself yet is the very same person who makes me wanna hate myself that I can’t be who they fancy me to be. Makes me remember how it is like in the world of women--they’d do everything to emotionally harass anyone that don’t meet their demands.

Then again, my Counselor highlights nothing else but manage my own inner state as I can never have any control of anyone. This usually triggers my annoyance even more. And I often ended up sulking (used to). But, thanks to my Counselor, I matured over time. No, I haven’t learned to shut off my emotions. No, I haven’t figured out how to better respond to such kind of situation. No, I am not trying to look good...and if you ask me, I rather go for what’s more convenient. Why must I trouble myself trying to be kind all the time while the rest of the world remains bitter and unkind and not sorry for every heart they break?! I don’t want that. I rather want to love and protect myself from the monsters in this world. Especially from those who wear masks and attack in a scheming way. But, my Counselor doesn’t think it’s the way my Creator wants me to function. He knows that by reacting to my emotions, I will only hurt my heart more. If there is any good within me, it is not by choice. It is because the Creator of Heaven and Earth designed me to be good because I am a contributor of beautiful things to a fallen world. Left alone to myself, I know I could have misused this vessel. I’ve done so quite a number of times, if truth be told. And I was left broken each time. Yet, I know that every single annoying, self-absorbed, mean, and detestable person out there is also like me--only reacting to the harshness of the rest of the world. Protecting themselves from pain, and so, misusing their truth. The truth that God created them to cultivate others; not to damage.

I have committed to God not to be damaging. It’s already such a wretched place we all live in and I am choosing to be a healer. A beautifier. A cleaner. A designer. A cultivator. Something inside me refuses to be because it’s risky. It’s costly. It’s too selfless that there is no other way to accomplish things but to sacrifice. To serve in that way is no joke. But, I see from God’s Eyes. I feel with His Heart. He loves all His creations. I being one must not think highly of myself. He loves those not-so-lovable people, too. He also loves those who want to see me hurt. Those who connive to put me down and leave me out. How else can I deny that fact?! Which is why I agree to what’s said in the book of Proverbs, “the more you know, the more it hurts.” I know the ways of God. I can’t even wish I don’t. Because I delight in them. I see wisdom and beauty in them. But, it requires a lot. Makes me understand why Jesus said, “count the cost.”This is my everyday feat--denying my own feelings just in order to remain true to how God designed me. Leave alone others to their peculiarities, but I live to please only GOD.

If there is anything, I guess what’s left for me to say is, “because I am loved unconditionally, that same love is also conquering even the tendencies within me that rather want me to run to my comfort zone and just be like the world. I can love ONLY because God keeps pouring HIS lavished love in me.” Therefore, I can confidently say, “I am being renewed daily with ever increasing glory into the likeness of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.”

#love #gods love #annoyed #love others #loving the unlovable #love conquers all #filled with god's love #my story #story of my life #my daily battles #life #reality #loved by god