#im afraid ill have nothing to add to a conversation

[ablazeinhim]

feeling like such a loser lately and like is it the winter or is the introversion or is it the disability???

#for a while now its been so hard for me to discern if social stuff is hard because im ND or because im an introvert #theoretically i love parties but im horrible at them on my own #i dont know what to say or how to start conversations #i desperately want to mingle and talk to people and have a god time but idk how to start that interaction #esp because i dont love talking about my work/home life (bc it makes me feel like a loser!) so i dont want to ask people about their work #in case they reciprocate and ask me about mine #also the masking #the masking is exhausting #! #the ND masking not covid masking!! #im afraid ill have nothing to add to a conversation #im afraid when i do speak up that ill ramble about something no one cares about or talk fkr too long or being jn skmething that feels like #non sequitur and ill watch peoples eyes glaze over as they scan the room for others to talk with #i have no social anxiety about like asking for help or directions or “hey where did you get that pizza it smells so good” #or “omg i love your outfit!!!” #but in a room full of people who sort of know each ither #or like p much any space where there are clumps of people talking and im not in any of them? #i feel like a bother and incompetent #i crawled out from under my rock for my only social engagement this month and theyre on their 3rd of the day and loving it #hoping eventually i wont feel the need tk mask so much. i know that makes things so much harder #=

[decolonize-the-left]

(to preface this, i am white. figured i should make that known off the bat) i wanted to come bounce an idea off of you that i've been rolling around in my head for a bit. i have this pet theory that, for the population ill call here "white progressive queers who know very little about poc and racism", a large underpinning of this group's interaction with poc is a Fear of Fucking Up and more generally, moral purity thought. they (maybe even "we"- im still hopefully learning myself) get so paralyzed by this idea and line of thinking that goes something like this: "1) since i know nothing about poc & racism, then 2) clearly in discussions about these topics, i will fuck up and say something wrong or perhaps even Bigoted, which if i did 3) makes me an Irreparable Ontologically Evil Racist, hence 4) i should just be quiet and never ask questions/speak on these topics" which then results in said White Progressive Queer and those around them never learning. i wanted to know what you think abt this and tell me if im on the mark or not

also thank u for the work u do on this blog, ive found so many helpful resources through you

You're right. In my experience that's exactly how it is.

I want to add tho: yes they're uncomfortable that they might fuck up and be considered racists sure, but a huge part of that stems from the massive inability to place the discomfort where it belongs. Which is with their own guilt.

Instead they blame the conversations for making them uncomfortable.

And let's take some worthy notes here: this is not how white people feel all the time. Because white people are not uncomfortable making these fuck ups in front of other white people.

So it's not that the conversation is uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable. And they are made uncomfortable because even when discussing anti-racism they step into the role of oppressor (the little fuck ups or accidentally bigoted comments) so naturally and God forbid other (not white) people can See how easy it is.

My advice for white people that are like this (that nobody asked for) is

Your fuckups do not define you but how you react to them does

Listen, respect, learn

That's it. That's the whole list. Say something bad? Apologize, but don't over-explain yourself. Ask how to fix it. Google how you fucked up so you understand why it wasn't okay. Google again to get idea of how your fuck up hurts people. Google some more to make sure you don't do it again. Go to some safe space and ask some clarifying questions. Listen, respect, learn.

Maybe the people you fucked up with don't forgive you and that's okay, they don't have to. But YOU won't ever make anyone feel bad or less than in the same way ever again and that's what matters.

Having one less person making racist comments matters even if it's a struggle for that person to get to that point.

I need y'all to understand that none of you are gonna just wake up being suddenly perfect anti-racist allies. And we will literally never ever have allies like that if y'all refuse to even sit with your own discomfort.

•°•°•

This weird morality issue white people have over looking racist is also just such a non-problem. Like if y'all want a PoC perspective: white people are already being racist ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ ....we Already see y'all as racists. And also I'm gonna experience racism anyway so I'd rather it be because someone was just being ignorant on the path to anti-racism.

Y'all are so worried about how shit Looks that you can't be bothered how really things are? Like you're so afraid of looking racist you'd allow yourselves to continue being actually ignorant and casually racist. And to avoid what? Being uncomfortable for a minute? Being called-out? A mean comment?

We are trying to stop hate crimes and genocide. Like that's what we are dealing with okay. Accountability for your actions is an acquired taste but I think y'all can handle some discomfort considering.

#every time im confronted with the idea that white feelings are why BIPOC are being killed daily i get umhinged tbh #like i might die if i call the cops cuz YOUD feel bad if you talked about racism? AND YOURE JUST KEEP NOT DOING IT?? WHY #asked #answered #sorry #some asks just like #do this to me #white people like this make me wanna shake them back and forth viscerally #whiteness

[journalsandshit]

08/06/2023 - letter

jack,

i never got to talk to you about how this made me feel but ive been thinking a lot about it lately, so i guess now would be the time. i dont fully understand what happened but it hurt really bad and i think it might have changed us and our relationship forever, whether you realize it even happened or not.

on the sunday of the week before spring break, i had a conversation with you about carolina and about your relationship with her. that night you had a conversation with her that, admittedly, makes me feel sick to think about. i wrote about that conversation on 03/19/2023, and about some of the issues following, but this is gonna be a much more in depth analysis (?) of that.

following that conversation, in the week leading up to spring break, i did not get to hang out with you outside of school one single time. you were with her, and then with cam, and michelle, and trinity, and who the fuck knows who else. all i know was that you werent with me, and you werent talking to me, and you never told me why. i went home after sixth period. when i asked you what the plan was, you said "im not sure yet, ill let you know." but you never did let me know. so every day, for five days, a five days that i really needed you, i might add, i went home, and sat on the couch, and waited for you to ask for me. but you never did. i cried more in that one week than i had in months, and its only gotten worse after that. i knew i was leaving for most of spring break but it felt like you didnt care at all. if you had cared, you would have made time for me, but you didnt, so i was alone, all week, and i didnt know what i had done to make you hate me all the sudden. you didnt even have me bring you to school that week so i didnt get the one time when i knew i was garanteed to have you to myself without any of your idiotic relationships getting in the way. i was so alone and i thought that that was the worst it would be. i wish i had been right.

also around that time, you asked me to give you all of your clothes back. that was heartbreaking for me. you didnt tell me why and when i asked you just said that it was weird and that you wanted them back. i specifically remember that you used the word "weird" because thats what made it so painful. we arent dating, and we never have been, but weve shared clothes for the better part of a year at this point and weve always made jokes about how people think were dating all the time. weve never cared about what other people thought about our relationship. at least i thought we didnt, but clearly you did, or you let other peoples concerns (carolinas concerns) get to you enough that you werent comfortable with us being us anymore. i gave your clothes back and cried and asked what was happening with us, and you said nothing. you said we were okay, and i said i was sorry. but you know what? i shouldnt have to be sorry. i didnt do anything wrong, you did, and your stupid fucking girlfriend did, but i didnt and i still felt like i should be sorry for what i was doing "to" you. and then i asked, after agonizing over it for days, why you wanted the clothes back, and you confirmed what i thought, carolina said it was weird and that she wasnt comfortable with it.

that was, i think, the beginning of the end

the next week was spring break. i flew out to new york on saturday morning, and you called me while we were on the shuttle bus. i thought that that had meant that you were gonna talk to me like normal, but i was wrong.

that i whole week i texted you every day and i waited and waited for you to call, but you didnt. i needed you really badly then. i was stressed out and afraid bc i was spending so much time with my family and i was touring colleges and i felt so far away from you and i needed to know that you wouldnt forget about me when i moved up there. you, however, found new friends to replace me right away. you hung out with cam or carolina pretty much every day and didnt try to talk to me until it was too late to call bc i was in a shared hotel room with absolutely zero private space. i missed you so bad every day and it was so much worse knowing that not only had you just replaced the time that we spent together with other people, but also that, on some level, i had done that. i had started your whole "getting to know each other" bullshit with carolina and i forced myself to have to see you doing things together and "bonding" and i couldnt do anything about it bc i was two thousand miles away and you wouldnt ask to see me anyway because why should it be at all different from that horrible week before.

i saw you the day i came home, and i think the days after that, but something was wrong. you didnt touch me anymore, you didnt tell me you loved me, you barely stopped talking about how much fun you had had with your girlfriend and your other friends.

it was like that for a while. i was scared and alone and i needed you but i couldnt ask for you or even ask you what was going on bc i was so sad and afraid bc i had already clearly fucked up so bad.

then we went back to school and shit got so much worse, but i cant justify doing that here so ill tell you about that in another letter

#08/06/2023 #from old blog #letter #jack

[atinybitofau]

[PART 5] S A N ⇲ royal series au

RECAP: san is king of eden, you’re queen of elos under one nation along side 7 other lone kings. you stop by the kingdom of serene with seonghwa’s not-so-happy reaction to the announcement of your coronation. two lovely king brothers decide to pay you a little visit when you do get home not long after.

• series masterlist •

⇩ PART FIVE ⇩ , click me to read part four.

“How was your trip, darling?”

Exhausted and feeling extremely restless from the 9 hour long journey back to Serene, you couldn’t help but glare at the chirpy early bird who smirked as you were escorted out of your carriage.

“Well if it makes you feel any better, we’ll be leaving for your Elos soon. It’s only an hour more.” He adds in spite of your annoyed expression.

“I’m going smear that smirk on your face right off if you don’t get me a glass of water in the next 10 seconds.”

“Already done.”

The thick eyebrowed Serene king whips out from behind his back a tall glass of purified water and you gawk at him in appreciation.

“You know me too well, King Park.”

“Mhm.”

You take his offering hand as he leads you inside his simple castle, a home cozy for a lone bachelor like himself. You glance at him while walking through his empty corridors, seeing the dark bags that had grown under his eyes and the tired look he sent forward despite his normal kingsley aura.

“What’s wrong?” You ask him as you find settling place in his study.

He sighs. “Hongjoong and I have been receiving threats against your kingdom and are handling it accordingly. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, okay? I’m fine.”

“I know enough to handle it myself.” You assured him, hand strongly gripping the rests besides you. “And it seems as though the rest of you as of late is losing too much sleep over the matter. I’m quite capable, Seonghwa.”

He chuckles at that running his frail long fingers through his midnight colored hair. “Enough of that. How was Aurora? I’m sure Mingi treated you well.”

“He is a force to be reckoned with that King Song.” You smile at the thought of Mingi forgetting Seonghwa’s lack of trust in you. “But I’m more surprised at King San’s commodity. Im afraid you’re right. He is kinder than meets the eye.”

“Oh?” He laughs in shocked amusement. “Is that so? When you left Serene you were no more than disapproving of keeping the man company.”

“I can see why you hold him in such a regard. I didn’t realize how out of touch he was with everybody else. As if he’s fragile and a little bit afraid. Like a child? He’s lost and though he looks capable.. I’m not sure his mental state is.”

“San was anything but the ordinary when we were young and still the same today.”

“Still annoying, a pain in my side, yes.” Feeling defeated, you sigh. “But I find him very honest when it comes to being around me.”

You think of his smile. The one time you ever saw it.

“And what’s this I hear of a coronation ball? My men can’t stop running their mouths if whether or not it’ll be open to our Kingdom’s clergy.”

You raise an eyebrow at Seonghwa’s curiosity. “It was Yeosang’s idea to bring forth the date. They think the sooner the celebration, though in midst of my father’s wake, would rile up high contenders for a husband.”

“I don’t. In fact, your coronation was to be in 60 days. No more no less of that. We had an agreement.” He seemed firm on that making you sink back in your chair. “Yeosang has no right to implement his opinions in your life. Neither the others. If it’s not Hongjoong, I forbid it.”

“And how about your’s, King Park?”

“I am your closest thing to a guardian.”

You narrow your sullen eyes. “Then you know I need a husband. You said so yourself.”

“Arranged with a man I see fit to wear a crown beside you.” Heated from the conversation, he clasps at his own arm rests. “Y/n, at your weakest, is not the time to find a suitor at random to take over a Kingdom’s reign. That being Elos— yours. Which is one of our strongest. You need a King.”

“There are many across our nations, Seonghwa!” You stood upon his stance. “What is wrong with choosing a prince of that sort. I see no difference when we all have the same anatomy.”

“I see what’s fit for you. And a prince in a far off land is too fanatical.”

Realizing in his nervous and abrupt defense, you knew now the reason why he didn’t want you searching on your own.

“You’ve already found me a suitor, haven’t you?”

A moment of silence rages upon the both of you and blasts your fury in red— the only color you see at the moment.

“I can’t believe you.” You take it upon yourself due justice to gather your belongings and quickly flee the room, Seonghwa following quite hastily.

“Mingi is a fine suitor and you know it.”

Your eyes widened in horror and you whip around to slap him across his beautiful face. Though his astounding reaction gave you more ill will.

“Mingi is also my friend and a king of a beloved kingdom.” He snaps his eyes, glaring appalled by your sinister action clearly not fit for a queen. “If I had known you wanted me to marry King Song I wouldn’t have agreed to making a trip to Aurora. King San included— how could you punish him for nothing at all?”

He huffs in utter shock. “You’re defending him?”

“I’m defending myself.”

“Must I remind you, his innocence regarding your father’s passing is still in question. Don’t forget that.”

“For the topic at hand, that matter doesn’t seem too important to me right now.” You hiss back, mind blurred over anger and disgust.

“Y/n, you need to marry a man who will benefit your kingdom and serve you the right of a loving husband. Where does Mingi lack?”

“In my loving judgement.” You snap. “I love him as a friend and nothing more and so with the rest of you. I will find a husband I seek worthy and I want you to be at my side to support me on that. Do I make myself clear, King Park or do I need to elaborate once more?”

His throat bobs and he swallows down the anger with a twitching glare. You relieve a heavy breath, jaw clenched and so with your fists.

“If Mingi desires my hand in marriage, he will earn it. Just like anybody else would.” You let down your furious tension and look to him pleadingly. “Please forgive me, Seonghwa but I want you to be by my side for it all. Despite your monarchic views.”

“He knows nothing.” He presses his lips firm and reaches for your hands. “Don’t meddle him about wanting to marry you. He’s only confided his feelings with me. There was no arrangement otherwise, alright?”

“I know you care about me. All of you. But let me live my own life as well.”

He lovingly sighs leaning down to gently kiss you on the cheek, his lips hovering over your ear.

“I can only do of what I’m capable.”

“Queen y/n~ your dates have arrived for the evening.”

You turn around in midst of being measured for a coronation gown, two familiar looking brothers walk into your bedroom. They beamed with loving eyes before charging at you like red eyed bulls.

“YUNHO! WOOYOUNG! PUT ME DOWN!”

These two will be the death of you.

When you came face to face with the different faces of the Jung’s, you panned in abstinent glee. Yunho flicks at your hair, Wooyoung holding his thumbs and index’s up in a form a square with you inside of it.

You roll your eyes and cocked a hand at your hip. “What are the both of you doing here?”

“Well since you were so adamant about pushing the date for your coronation ball, Seonghwa requested us to ready you ourselves. That includes dress picking.”

You scoff in annoyed displeasure. “An ‘I miss you’ would’ve sufficed.”

“Personally, I miss you. My brother doesn’t speak for me.” Wooyoung came from behind you in the mirror and held his hands to your bare shoulders. “But you really don’t have to appease to the things Yeosang suggests.”

You look at yourself in the mirror before glancing at the two kings behind you.

“The one thing I could do for my father is serve his place. And letting a husband of mine enforce new ideals to my kingdom scares me.” You turn around to face the more practical one of the two. “Maybe Seonghwa was right. Maybe I will make a weak ruler. But I sure as hell am gonna try to make my kingdom trust me enough to get better at it.”

“Are you entirely sure being crowned in front of the other kingdoms’ clergy would serve a better outcome for you?” Yunho was concerned. Sat up feeling uncertain for your well being. “Your safety could be compromised, y/n.”

“My safety’s been compromised as soon as my father died.” Your eyes are icy when glanced in between the duo.

Yunho, the idealist of the two only smiles in attempt to assure you.

“Now are you guys really here for my opinion or are you here because Seonghwa sent you?”

Wooyoung chuckles at that. “Always an observant, Queen y/n.”

“Seonghwa sent us to verify your invitations.”

“For heavens sake–“

“Y/n it’s our duty to ensure your safety, ours and your kingdom’s as well, is it not?”

You exasperatedly huff shaking your trembling hands in fury. “Yes but that doesn’t mean meddling in my affairs. This is my Kingdom and I will do what I please.”

The boys press their lips together almost in obedience. You understand they mean well and know they have no intentions of hurting your feelings but it’s still something you didn’t want. You didn’t like that your life was being chosen for you, dictated for you. And you admit, running a Kingdom alone was difficult but you knew you also didn’t need their help when finding a husband for it. This coronation somehow becoming more of a crowning rather a search for your King.

“Boys, I know you love me to death and you’d sacrifice even your lives to protect me but know that I am well fit to run my own life if not the Kingdom’s, yes?” You stand across them putting your arms over your chest. “If Seonghwa pleases, I’ll talk to any kingsman he throws at me. But if I do fail at choosing a right suitor then I promise I’ll take the hand of the man you all please for me. For the sake of the kingdom.”

“We’re only concerned for you, y/n.”

“Then you can concerned over choosing my dress for the occasion.” You run your hands over your silk robe. “That’s something I can’t seem to decide on my own.”

Wooyoung who was momentarily uninterested by the subject at hand, shoots up from his seat with puppy dog eyes. “Really? Really?”

“Yes, Wooyoung. Really.”

“Good. Finally something you’re willing to let us choose.”

p.s rough edit

@atinybitofau

a/n: we seeing some major san x reader content soon. I’m excited lmao

#thank you also for reading this and the positibe feedback i love you 🥺🥰 #ateez #san x fem!reader #ateez san #ateez choi san #choi san #san #san royal au #ateez x reader #royal au #bed of roses #ateez imagines #ateez series #san scenarios #san imagines #part 5 #bed of roses part 5

[mnogorgannik]

2 10 n 11 :)

this is basically an essay im so sorry. watch how hard i can infodump (ill put this under a cut hopefully it works bc sometimes tumblr decimates the keep reading things if theyre in asks)

2. Who’s your favorite of the Bound? What do you think of the different ideologies they have? Which of the factions are you most aligned with?

WE ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER I AM A PETER LOVER THROUGH AND THROUGH!!!!!! oh baby i love that morally questionable architect. pretty early on in getting into pathologic (it’s coming up on a year now...) i thought about peter stamatin too hard and now i’m here. but really i find him to be such a fascinating character!

the thing about pathologic that i love is how almost every character can be as complex as you want. pathologic does an excellent job of implying a lot of character traits while only exploring some in further detail, which in some games is frustrating but patho does it so well! it consistently hints at traits and lets you fill in the details yourself. peter’s character is extremely interesting to me... and maybe a little more relatable at times than i want to admit lol.

i think i’ll talk about both stamatins though! their dynamic hurts me a lot. i’ll start with andrey bc i’ve been thinking about him lately. although i’ll bounce back and forth between both stamatins.

i’ve said this before but i’ll say it again.... andrey’s role as a protector who inadvertently hurts the people he cares about really gets to me. he is not a shield but, in his own words, a battering ram. and the problem is that battering ram has a recoil.

i have to wonder how that mentality of his came about, anyways. the implication is that it’s always just been him and peter, so did he take on that role because there wasn’t anyone else to do it?

in his efforts to protect peter from... military, i believe, he kills four people. which leads to daniil getting mistaken for andrey, which leads to daniil getting shot. and almost dying. he protects peter but to a smothering extent, peter even says he’s been suffering for ten years bc of andrey which is a LOADED line. he protects on a physical level but he kinda fucks up on the emotional.

there’s a horrible irony in peter and eva being the people he cares about the most and both attempting suicide. with eva once she’s missing he immediately goes running off trying to look for her, and . ahh i can’t remember right off hand what exactly he thought happened. but ik he was probably expecting a fight. with peter he says that after that he’ll never let peter leave his side, at least “as far as his knife can fly”... it sounds cheesy but the one thing he can’t save anyone from is themself.

and god the way andrey bases his ENTIRE sense of self worth on peter fucking hurts. they’re not peter and andrey, the architects. they’re Peter And Andrey, The Architect. (thinking about “one architect, two brothers” here.) andrey thinks he’s larger than life and all but he’s constantly living in peter’s shadow. their theatre of death positions come to mind here, with peter standing up, looking down at andrey. but andrey is on his knees in front of peter, arms limp to his sides.... separated by a wooden beam...

peter’s side of this dynamic is fascinating too. his dependency on andrey is. ow. leaving all practical matters and decision making to him... there’s this resentment (That’s Fine I’ve Been Suffering For Ten Years Because Of Him) and lack of communication that especially shows through for him.

while in p2 andrey completely crumbles if peter dies, peter doesn’t seem to care...... at all....?? which hopefully is elaborated upon in p2. he’s willing to talk to aspity about worrying if andrey is angry with him but he can’t bring it up with andrey himself. when he asks how andrey is doing he stops and says andrey is a “tough man” and can handle anything. in general, while it’s definitely there for andrey, themes of dependency are really glaringly obvious for peter.

one of my favorite peter things i’ve talked about before is still his ego!!! peter has a gigantic ego!!! he really does think that even though he’s hit the ceiling and can’t go any further he is still “a true architect” and “the rock upon which is built the stairway to tomorrow”. he has a blunt edge to him and he doesn’t ever tell you more than he thinks he needs to which i love. if he doesn’t want to tell you something he isn’t gonna do it. this is a character trait i think ppl miss which is sad because it’s so good and adds another layer of depth to him!

it really does hurt me how he’s valued for his mind alone (AHEM AHEM AHEM. GEORGIY) but it’s the thing nobody understands about him. i’m nowhere near as smart as peter lol but i do know that pain of feeling like none of your ideas can be understood because you just can’t express them the way you’d like, and then feeling like you’ll never be able to make it happen.

also, here’s a little thing  i’ve picked up on. this connection probably doesn’t exist but i’m making it because the stamatins make me lose my mind and start becoming one of those people who looks for connections in everything i guess. peter standing in the theatre of death, andrey below him. peter’s loft being at a high point in the town, the broken heart being underground. peter’s loft is also higher north on the map but the broken heart is lower south. just smth interesting

i have more thoughts on them of course! but this is all getting awfully long. i feel like i’ve only just gotten to the tip of the iceberg  even though i’ve written so much skfjskfjs this just feels quite surface level or. at least what is surface level for me who thinks about the stamatins so hard.

anyways i’ll keep my answers to the other two parts of this question quick! peter and andrey’s more creative vs practical mindsets are rly neat. especially because i would actually argue peter is a little more grounded in reality in certain aspects. not all, but certain ones...... their take on the utopian ideology is interesting. hot take: peter’s version of utopianism leans a tad towards humility. and andrey /does/ feel “straightforward utopian” but i think in certain regards? this man has a bit of a termite streak..... (hi al if you’re reading this). but i won’t get into that right now i’ve already gone on so long. saving that for later.

i think all of the factions kinda suck in their own way sometimes, honestly? although all of them are well written and have their pros and cons. were i in pathologic and i had to choose one i’d probably be a termite but everyone around me seems to think i’m a utopian. is it bc i love peter so much

10. What would you be like as a Pathologic character?

this question is a hard one! i did make a self insert once, mile-a-minute, but they’ve become their own oc by now. i think i’d be very...... very afraid...... probably isolating myself why does every pathologic character break quarantine???? also you could trade beetles with me :) thats about all i’ve got sorry this is real short

11. What is something you would change, writing-wise, about either game?

UGH i’ve been gushing about pathologic because. obviously i love this game so much. but the way it handles racism & such (in both games!) leaves much to be desired :/

i see a lot of the points it’s trying to make but i think the way they’re handled can be very messy. there are moments that work very well but. a lot that don’t. (i am aware that dybowski writes partially from his own experiences)

all too often the game “validates” the kin’s oppression and... at times paints them as oddly antagonistic? i don’t like how often as artemy you’re able to be like “i’m not one of those beasts” and i think there are better ways to touch on his internalized racism. in general the constant comparisons to animals is weird. you get big vlad who is obviously explicitly racist comparing them to animals, but then sometimes it’s like “ACTUALLY calling them animals is fine :)”

i think the herb brides are kind of. Hm. in their portrayal. also using parts of the buryat alphabet to denote an accent is weird. making odongh and herb brides inhuman is weird. connecting the kin to Magic is weird.

and, listen, i’d really like to not be playing Artemy Burakh Experiences a Microaggression Simulator every time i’m playing the haruspex route. hate that you either can’t call ppl out on their shit or if you can it ends the conversation/bars you from getting necessary information. glad you at least get to drag the vlads, i guess?

i also was talking about this but wrt peter specifically, and this issue is present throughout the game but it’s especially visible with peter, i don’t like how often you can mock him for his addiction.

he’s obviously in an extremely rough patch! being able to be just so plain cruel to him about the dependency on alcohol (and iirc in p1 hallucinogens, bc aglaya mentions it) he’s formed to cope with his mental illness & trauma just feels bad. especially because yes it is not a healthy coping mechanism at all but... it still is a coping mechanism, if that makes sense?

the way you’re able to constantly rub it in his face feels awful. peter is fully aware that it isn’t good for him and shows a desire to quit. even if he didn’t it would still be awful to say because. it’s just insensitive. like you don’t just go up to someone and keep being like HEY YOU DRINK A LOT YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WATER IS? feels really bad to keep harping on something that causes him pain and that he struggles with every single day.

however peter does have moments where he tells you Not to say that, or if you pry into why he drinks he’ll outright say he doesn’t remember you being his friend, which is better than nothing.

in p1 moreso than p2 i hate how you can be like oh he’s craaaazy he’s off his rocker he’s delusional!!!! that “why, i never... an architect of schizophrenia!” comment sticks in my mind because it’s just... so genuinely mean. especially because if i remember correctly that line is from when he’s planning on LITERALLY FUCKING BURNING HIMSELF ALIVE

i think if they were going to have all of this they should have gone more in depth on how it’s really. not good that he’s treated so poorly. and i do believe that’s what they were going for, a la the art book w/ the whole “not to be made into a drunken clown, this is a tragic character”, etc. but it just doesn’t land. i’m holding out for the bachelor and changeling routes in p2 to see if they expand upon any of it but i highly doubt i’ll be satisfied in this regard.

i stand by the One time it was really fucking funny to clown on peter being the time you can tell him little girls eat raspberries and earthworms and he just believes you

#asks #patho #GODDDDDD #i hope you wanted to read an essay today

[carylspookie]

This was not wrote by me but I had to share it 💔

Credits to addieanatomy on instagram.

its so difficult for me to understand those who never feel the slightest bit of sympathy for norma and those who blame norma for being a bad mother, for nurturing her child into a serial killer. since the beginning on the series, norma had been a whole person. she has a backstory filled with emotional abuse and neglect at the hands of her awful parents. and emotional and sexual assault at the hands of her brother. and then she gets married to an abusive husband with a son born of incest because of her brother raping her. and another son who blacks out and becomes violent to the point of murder. norman blacked out and murdered her abusive husband/his father and had no idea. and he continues to kill several ppl that come into his life. but that’s just a whole other discussion for a later date. it makes my blood boil when i see ppl want to hate norma and blame her for all norman does. they want to. hate norma for what norman is. in some ways. yes. i can see why we all should give her some blame. because of numerous events in her life, norma’s incredibly broken which doesnt make motherhood too promising for her. i mean. i would argue that the worst thing norma has done has been having a lack of understanding the causes and effects of her actions. and just having a lack of insight in general.

norma feels that nothing outside of her and her care is safe for her and her beloved child. but eventually, she starts to see norman as a threat, to herself and himself. okay and quite honestly. im surprised norma didn’t end up being the damn serial killer given her fucking upbringing and the experiences she faced… anyway. alright norma definitely allowed for levels of intimacy between her and norman that are pretty uncomfortable. and some ppl would say shes reluctant to admit that there is something wrong with her beautiful child. but in my opinion. i believe she was always fully aware of normans troubles and knew that theres was smth wrong with him. but like i said before. she didnt see safety in anything outside herself. bc shes so fucking stubborn! but she truly believed that she was the answer to normans problem and she thought she could help him and protect him. i think it is very harsh for ppl to classify norma and anything she does as a mother as being neglectful. or abusive.,..,. she certainly comes close but. she doesnt cross the line into that territory. and yes. she did tell norman things he shouldnt have to know as her son. like. the situation with her brother. but. if u think about normas role as a mother overall. within the context of her own life experiences. she tries really fucking. hard. to be a the perfect and ideal mother. and i believe her efforts should be applauded considering she had no good mother or father to have as an example for her parenting. this woman did whatever she could to protect her son. and when she realized that she couldnt give him the help he needed,... she sought out help. she went to pineview. she begged dr edwards or whatever to help her son. she did her best to get her son the aid he needed in order to not be a threat to himself, norma and everyone else.

i would find it absolutely ridiculous if u didnt feel an iota a sympathy for norma in that moment in 401. she even explained herself in that moment with dr edwards. she realized that she couldnt control what she thought she could. and that she was afraid of going to the doctors bc she thought they could take him away from her. and i believe that she didnt want him taken away bc he was the last bit of love she had left in her life. she had no one. she loved norman so passionately bc they were all each other ever had. its just. in that fucking moment with dr edwards. norma was showing so much of herself. so much honesty. which is smth she tends not to do. and she was revealing in that moment that literally. like all parents. she didnt really know… exactly what she was doing. she was just hoping that what she thought was best,.,. was good. and she had a moment of great fear that what she was doing was hurting her child. and she wanted to do smth else to change and make it better for both of them. all norma has ever had is good intentions. love makes u do crazy things. and she did crazy things out of the sometimes dangerous love she had for her child. but she cant take full blame for what norman is and became. being the parent of a psychopath is not gonna be fucking easy and a literal cake walk with a manual on how to succeed. all norma fucking wanted was a normal life for her and her son. and normal life that she never got to have throughout her childhood. and teenage years. and into her married life with both of her husbands.

she could never catch a fucking break. and she never did. she never. fucking. did. shitty childhood, 2 shitty marriages, a kid who resulted from being raped by her brother, a kid that was more than just mentally unstable. and her own mental wellbeing never treated was just. the fucking cherry on top. and even after she dies she didn’t even get peace until after norman died, considering he was lugging her dead body around. when ppl talk about norma, her mental health is not often in the conversation. but quite honestly. norma's entire mental state had to have been absolutely exhausting for her. she needed serious help. and she needed it well before norman even came into the her life. i think the only time she realized that… this isnt how normal people live. is when she was with alex... alex gave her a real glimpse into a type of normalcy she had never experienced. honestly. i would like to believe she eventually would have gone into therapy had she survived. and even if norman had stayed at the live-in hospital and didnt try to kill her, she and alex were not going to magically start living a beautiful, good life. she was going to need some serious therapy herself. and i just know she wouldnt bring herself to do that all by herself. i think if anyone could help her decide to help herself... that person would without and doubt be alex. norma truly was beaten down by life at every corner. anyone in her shoes with that kind of history and mental wellbeing would be in an unbelievable amount of pain on the inside. when thinking about how this all plays into her relationship with norman... i just think she loved norman to the best of her ability. but it was from a perspective warped by extreme mental illness, fatigue and injury of her own. to add to this exhausting amount of mental turmoil, came her exhausting love for norman. god i love this woman so much. she is everything to me.

This hit me so damn hard. People ask why I love this show so much and the reason is above. Vera Farmiga portrays Norma so brilliantly and I couldn't think of anyone else who could do it better.

Romanticizing the relationship she and Norman had is unhealthy yes, but she loved her son so much she would do anything to keep him safe. Norma Bates is a fucking warrior- fictional character or not.

#not my words #veraannfarmiga #verafarmiga #batesmotel #normabates #normanbates #i love this so fucking much

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

[andragoras-in-vanity]

(1/8) My Dearest, Sweet Royal, My heart hurts to hear of what you have witnessed. You may be unafraid of the unknown, but I am afraid of losing you, even though you are not mine. To lose the ability to hear the beautiful melody that is your laugh, or to spot the glimmer of hope in your eyes, even from afar, would be like losing the moon. You glow brighter than any star I've ever seen in the sky, and at night I look to the heavens to be sure there is no stronger light then that of which you make

LONG POST AHEAD, I APOLOGIZE I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO A READ MORE FROM MOBILE.

Knight of mine, im unlike the others of the castle; they can be cold and unwilling to understand myself and others, where im instead welcomed to the darkness, just as the moon, as you say. and there are many knights who would pull me out if it tried to swallow me whole, but none so willing to keep it from trying as you. i wonder if any other than you would even notice when i prick my fingers on the roses climbing the stone walls of this cage.

you say i am not yours and yet you worry for me so, you speak of me with such high regard surely we've crossed paths more often then a glance. as a knight you shall know no shame, you shall lead with honor and dignity and be proud of that you follow, even if it is only the mere thought of i which leads you home again. my poor knight, to be so afraid, you must have been thrown into horrors i can hardly imagine, should i have my way in this lonely court then never again will you face such terrible things. i wont allow it.

i envy your strength, i do. all of the knights of this land, to have your travels brave you are indeed. surely we've done no wrong in conversing? surely i wont be punished for a pleasant conversation with a knight?

i do recall that morning, the physician had once again given reason to the family to keep me tucked away after a fit took hold of me, yet i fear i thought of nothing but my own loneliness at the time, but i must have seen you again! i must have seen you through your knighting? i do try to attend all... how many outings you must have seen since then.

ive always had a fondness for those gentle enough, compassionate enough to tend to the animals. great creatures that they are deserve so much better than being locked away, yet perhaps we're all trapped in these lives until the next takes us. and even still, if you remember that day then you know i care not for my garments as i do for the morning mist, i try never to be so cruel as not to accept help from one whose threads are bare and boots caked in mud.

my hands are soft and unused, i prefer that of a workers. a knights, should i be in need of one, one that has seen life as it is unlike the others of the court. for those who survive by their brains, they're incredibly lacking in experience.

please, please my sweet comet do not apologize we are all only human with human eyes and hearts, and many of my would-be responsibilities have been taken from me...i have not much to lose and perhaps a little mischief would alieve my heavy soul. just one quiet night below the blanket of stars. in truth, though i may wear a heavy crown upon my head i am no different than any other, not even the dear knights who defend with all they have in them. im no wonder as the night sky. it is far more vast than we.

perhaps the next morn the knights do train ill wander the gardens hoping for a glimpse of long hair tied back in cord...but ill being a book to hide my intent lest i be caught by the knight captain or worse yet our king. may i add, my knight, how similarly you speak to the gentleman of my favourite book, so hastened yet sure, nervous but true. you have a good heart.

-with too many words flowing from me, too many thoughts to be coherent or nearly as poetic as you: you're royal 💚

#ask #anon #knight #YALL IM NOT EVEN SORRY #THIS GOT AWAY FROM BOTH OF US AND I COULDN'T HELP IT #had this been in the morning i may have made it more concise but like...let me have this #i could have been more eloquent but i follow letters in a specific way that makes it hard for me to be concise while also holding other #other thoughts #also may i just say you speak in such a way i cant tell who you are #i wish i could do read mores as well #of have a more private way to answer anonymous messages tho then it wont matter how long we prattle on😅 #but truely my bad for making this so long #i hadnt meant to but i got invested and your words are ever so sweet #💚💚💚💚

[slugmanslime]

I’ll Tell You What I Want! (Ch. 1)

hey guys its late im so SO tired but i sat down and wrote this bc its been on my mind all day tell me what you think im exhausted i love you all  this is a fairytale AU, based loosely off of Rumpelstiltskin, so just bear that in mind 

EDIT: I am reposting this because I changed a crucial point of the storyline and I think it is way better now.

Pairings: Bog King/Marianne, Dawn/Sunny Warnings: Eventual Infidelity, Violence, Possible Smut, Heartbreak, Bog is a bitter Magic Hoe Word Count: 2660 Chapter: 1 / ???

The kingdom of Hearthmark was sprawling, dotted with villages, markets, valleys and meadows as far as the eye can see. For a millenium, the Fallow family had ruled Hearthmark with a gentle and knowing hand, negotiating their way out of wars and arbitrating expansive treaties that brought harmony to the kingdom, and fruitful years of trade to the markets. Heathmark’s economy flourished, the kingdom expanded, and the people thrived under King Dagda and Queen Carmen’s rule. The citizens of Heathmark lived in harmony with each other, harvesting their plentiful crops as they kept each other company year in and year out as life was plentiful and plain and happy.

Bog hated plentiful and plain and happy.

Bog King, Bog of the Black Oak, sorcerer and heir to a legend, was one of the only denizen’s of the Dark Forest encompassed the perimeter of Hearthmark that acted as a natural border between the gentle people, the supernatural, and the burdens of warm and unrest roiling in other countries. The gloomy woods were filled with fascinating but often dangerous mythical creatures that would prefer not to be disturbed, Bog being one of them. Once upon a time, Bog’s parents were seen as useful to the kingdom, and his mother Griselda, along with him and his father, lived a comfortable life in service of the crown. But those years were long gone, as was his father, taken too soon by an illness that not even Griselda the Great could cure. Bog’s mother, a powerful witch with a secretly kind heart, was his only constant company now, something that he couldn’t help but appreciate and yet he loathed, especially at times such as this.

“Bog, deary, you realize that the winter solstice is tomorrow? You really oughta check the hens, you know how they despise the cold!” Griselda’s voice grated through his thoughts, stirring him away from the shelf of ingredients he was organizing. She herself was busy  clucking around their little cottage, dusting and folding articles of light clothing away into an empty closet. She was busy preparing them for the coming winter storms, and had spent the past two weeks jarring vegetables, patching thick coats and pants, and ensuring that their chickens and goats were well prepared for the weather. Not to be left out, Bog was there to do her heavy lifting and any other menial task he could be cowed into. Heaving a great sigh, Bog gathered his coat and shrugged it on, snatching a basket from beside the doorway when a flurry of sudden knocks stopped the pair in their tracks. Bog paused and glanced over his shoulder to meet Griselda’s curious stare, before the knocking interrupted them once more, sounding increasingly urgent.

A visitor… in the Dark Forest? A visitor? Travelling through this kind of weather? These questions and more bounced around his head as he dropped the basket and opted for the enchanted staff he kept by the door for protection.

With his guard up, Bog unlatched the door, revealing the most petite, anxious, and beautiful young woman he had ever laid eyes on. Perhaps that was speaking too rashly, but then again, Bog didn't have much experience with the outside world. The young women dropped her fist to her side limply, clearly unsure of her intentions after being met with such an imposing figure. They engaged in a staring contest, challenging and questioning in the same moment. The young lady was obviously bundled against the cold but carried nothing with her but a small satchel, speaking to her confidence that she could make this trip a short one.

Removing the small cap she had donned for the trip, the visitor gazed at him with a look brimming with excitement tempered by uncertainty, causing him to quirk an unruly brow. A halo of chocolate curls framed her face in cute pixie licks, with searching hazel eyes framed in long lashes stabbing him straight through his chest with the intensity that they trained on him. The lovely stranger was dressed in finely tailored traveler’s clothes and thick boots absolutely caked with snow, speaking to her wealth and making the sorcerer even more curious about what she possibly thought to gain by making a dangerous trip out here.It was the dead of night now, and it had been snowing since dawn.

Bog swallowed thickly, forcing himself to read into a situation that he had seen one to many times. She was a lovely thing, and they were known to be skilled with magic. Why else would someone as fragile and important as herself journey to their home, unless it was with a request for their services? A scowl of disappointment colored his features and he regarded her in a manner that mirrored the chilly weather she had just traversed.

“Aye, traveller, don’ go knockin down me door now. Winter approaches swiftly. Ye must be lost, so far from the Hearth.” Tall and broad Bog leaned against his staff in the doorway, exuding contempt and trying to appear bored. His figure was lean from tending to their crops and livestock, and he towered over the petite woman shivering before him.

“Sir, please… I’m not lost, if you would tell me your name. I am Marianne Fallow… Crown Princess of Hearthmark. I come with an urgent request… please, hear me.” Having finally revealed herself, Marianne pressed her hands together against her chest breathlessly. She carried an aura with her, one of strength but innocence, as if she sought out the best in people. Her eyes were clear and bright, full of good intentions without the life experience to judge them. It nearly made Bog sick to his stomach. Before he could turn her away, his mother’s voice drifted from inside.

“Bog, who is it? Don’t just stand there, it’s cold as all get out, bring them inside!”

The already-exhausted sorcerer growled in frustration but after one last tense moment of silence, he took a step back and motion for her to enter. “Please, do come in.” Of course, while it might have been phrased nicely, the implorement was dripping with sarcasm. Marianne eyes flashed with something hot but she only warred with herself for a moment before schooling her expression into something polite and appreciative as she crept inside the cottage.

Griselda did a double take when she saw the princess and nearly tripped over herself trying to make introductions. The witch was tiny, withered with age, but that did nothing to curb her enthusiasm at having someone as pretty and tough as Marianne in her home. How hard it was to play matchmaker when her son insisted they hole themselves up out here in these god-forsaken woods! Grinning widely, she took Marianne’s hand and drew her closer to the fireplace as she drenched her in a torrent of conversation.

“Oh goodness me, deary, you must be frozen to the core a delicate little thing like you out in this cold! Come by the fire, let’s get you warmed up. Are you hungry deary, I’ve got a delicious stew on right now, it’ll be done here in just a few minutes. Where are you from, what brings you here at this time of year, oooh it must be something important, I know it! Haven’t you--”

“MAM. The lady can’t get a word in edgewise with all yer yammerin’. Let her speak, please.” Bog had taken residence against the door, his back pressed to it with slender arms crossed over his chest. The staff stood at his side like a loyal guard, ready for action at any moment. Dark ebony locks, a curious shade between tawny and black, curled upon his head like a crown of thorns while sharp blue eyes reminiscent of a clear sky in summer burned a hole through his (unwanted) guest. Marianne was bewitched for a moment, taken aback by just how young and… strong, this legendary sorcerer was. She took a deep breath to collect her thoughts, forcefully tearing her eyes away from his in an attempt to gather courage, and she spoke.

“Bog… as in Bog of the Black Oak?” Marianne had to ask without looking, lest she lose her train of thought again, and instead turned her eyes on his mother. “And his sorceress mother, Griselda the Great?”

They had very different reactions, with Bog hissing in disdain and Griselda preening under Marianne’s curiosity. Hoisting himself off of the door, Bog stalked between the two women over to the fire and crouched to add another log. Distrust drew his body taught, and it grated on his nerves to have his back to this stranger. With every word she spoke, his assumptions were proved right, and boy did that put him in a bad mood. He was so young when he left Hearthmark (relatively speaking) that he found it hard to remember what a sense of community felt like, what friendship and comradery felt like.  Griselda was privy enough to her son’s attitude’s to know that he was upset, and she placed her other hand on his shoulder. Bog seemed to visibly relax, if only minutely, and Marianne watched the exchange quietly. This Bog man, he was not very similar to the stories she had heard as a child. The firelight softened the harsh edge of his cheekbones and jaw, making him look almost afraid. This couldn’t be the man so hungry for power that he was banished to the Dark Forest…  

“I come to… request your services. Your feats are that of legend and I am humbled that you invited me into your home… Thank you very much for your kindness.” Marianne smiled softly, squeezing the hand that Griselda still held.

“My courage fails me, it seems. I have fallen in love with the man of my dreams, but I can’t seem to find my words when I’m around him, he is far too charming! Roland is a knight in service of my father, and is loved dearly by our subjects… myself included.” She took a moment and blushed very prettily as she looked for the proper words to convey her desire. “I would just hope that you might help me win his heart. Anything that you ask of me in return, you may have it.”

Griselda pondered Marianne’s request silently, glancing between the princess and her son, who was regarding the fire with a stony expression. The princess claimed to be in love, but it sounded more like infatuation to her. Not to mention… love potions were the reason that she and her son were here in the first place.

Bog clenched and unclenched his fists while the cogs in his brain turned. How could it be that a princess, especially one as lovely and forthcoming as her, could not win the love of someone, knight or not? Marianne was obviously kind if she would thank two strangers for keeping her warm even if they did it begrudgingly; she had to care a great deal for this knight as well if she was here, alone, in this weather. And yet, anything that they asked… in return for a love potion? A small but very bitter part of Bog’s heart thrummed at the thought, and paused to pick his words carefully before turning to the princess. The sorcerer stayed crouched, the shadows shifting on his face making him appear otherworldly and gaunt; Marianne’s breath caught in her throat at the sight of him.

“You said anything, princess, is that what ye meant?” His eyes bored into hers with almost hypnotic amounts of energy. Marianne felt a wave of unease course through her but she stood her ground, nodding when her words failed her.

“There is a potion that I can craft, somethin’ guaranteed to win this knight’s… affection. I will teach ye how to use it. When yer lover is exposed to it’s magic, it’s nigh impossible fer them to not fall in love with the first person they see.” Bog stood, the flames returning its previously hoarded light to the cottage. “However… everythin’ comes at a price, me lady.” A wicked grin lit up his features, sharpening his electric blue stare that seemed to paralyze and terrorize Marianne for a moment.

“By using this potion, the one person ye hold closest to yer heart will be stripped of their ability to find love. Oh, aye, they will love their family, their friends, but…” Bog’s smile faded, a haunted look of sadness brushing over his features. “When someone falls in love with them, they cannot requite it, no matter how much they might want to. They will be damned to a life of fleeting, meaningless romance, leaving a string of broken hearts behind them as they suffer from an emptiness they cannot name nor fight.”

His monologue made her heart squeeze and her blood run cold. Marianne was stunned that someone could request something so utterly heartless, but an image of Roland rose unbidden in her mind’s eye. Gods above, he was so perfect; his smile, his golden hair, the way that he carried himself with such pride and confidence. A perfect romance in exchange for a loveless life for the person she cared most about? How could Marianne agree to something so heinous? Selfish… that’s what this goal was. Marianne would be queen one day-- is this something that she could live with on top of the stressors of managing a kingdom.

There was only one person this could affect… She let out a shuddering sigh, dropping her head and cradling it with her hands. There was no way… Dawn was such a bubbly, gorgeous person. If it was the last thing that she did, Marianne would make sure that Dawn could find someone to spend her life with.

Bog could see her resolve faltering and aimed to encourage her previously line of thinking. Griselda was… quiet for once; he did not dwell on that fact for very long. “Marianne… ye love Roland, donch ye? Yah know that the two of ye can be so happy… if yah just say yes.” That almost made Griselda peep-- this was going too far! She knew that Bog had been hurt before but this was something truly terrible. She kept her mouth firmly shut, thinking hard about the situation. Yes… yes, she could remedy this. Love is a tricky game, but one that she knew how to play well.

Marianne steeled herself and lifted her head, standing with her back ramrod straight anf fists clenched at her side. “Let me make this clear… You will make me a love potion, one guaranteed to work on Roland. But once I use it… the one dearest to me will never find love again?” Her heart was in her throat, and speaking the words around it was painful.

“Aye, Princess, that’d be the gist. So… what say ye?” Bog stood directly before her, offering his hand for a pact.

Marianne studied him for a moment, trying to clear her mind and buy herself some time. Bog of the Black Oak was not very sociable, but had enough wits about him to keep his manners in company. He did not take kindly to strangers, but still opened his home to her. Bog was stiff and uncertain when near her, as if he was not used to being close to people, or having friendly conversations. He was very different from his mother, who was endearing and lively even in her old age. Despite having very little experience with magic, the princess had a sense of naive confidence that she could make this deal work to her advantage. She couldn’t admit to herself that she was afraid, but pressured, having come so far and being unwilling to leave empty handed.

Marianne calmly placed her gloved hand in his grip, squeezing as they shook.

Dawn, please forgive me. I promise to make this right.

“Bog of the Black Oak… we have a deal.”

#strange magic #bog king #marianne #griselda #butterfly bog #itywiw

[lovesexdreaming]

3 am

Anxiety sucks. That’s such a common statement but damn dude fuck this shit. Anxiety makes me feel like people are talking negatively about me, even strangers. Anxiety makes me feel like I need to have an escape route in every place just in case someone tries to kill me....so fucking rational right? It’s a constant battle between being rational and irrational. I have two voices in my head that battle eachother daily. One tells me everything is fine and the other tells me I’m ignoring symptoms of cancer. Yes, cancer. It can go to that extent. Anxiety tells me that my brain is about to explode and I can’t do anything about it but accept the fact I’m about to die in 3...2...1...Oh shit I’m still here. Well maybe I had the timing off, 5...4...3...2...1 I’m clenching my jaw and squeezing my eyes shut waiting to just randomly drop dead and die..but I’m still here.

Groups of friends scare the living hell out of me. As soon as I leave the room I just KNOW they are talking poorly about me, I know enough to pause in the hallway and hear them...not talking about me.. I try with all my might to build up the courage to talk to people. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to add into a conversation but held it back due to fear of rejection and humiliation. Anxiety silences the words I so desperately want to say. And the times I’ve pushed through the fear of speaking, I’m analyzing the eyes on me, the tone of my voice, the way it cracked when I said the word “here”, I’m thinking about if I’m even making any sense. Am I making any sense? Did they notice me stuttering? Can they tell how I’m analyzing everything? Can they tell how I’m uncomfortable in my own skin? Can they tell I’m tense from being afraid of breathing too loud?? Because if you breathe too loud that draws too much attention to yourself. How did these “rules” even come to be??

Speak and say something they’re going to think you’re rude and shy if you don’t say anything. No don’t speak because they’re going to think you’re too pushy and full of yourself. I am always reminded of the times I did speak in the past and was ignored, I cannot be ignored again. I cannot be brushed off again, so it’s easier to just sit and not say anything and to just suffer alone in my head.

Anxiety makes you seem like an asshole. You’re in the corner of the room hidden under blankets and pretending to sleep when all you want to do is interact with others and be the person you truly are beneath the illness. I just want to laugh and flow with conversation. I want new connections. I want to feel normal. I want people to accept me. I want to be apart of a friend group. I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop putting myself down. I want to stop being sensitive to everything. I want to not have to check my face to make sure there’s nothing on it, god fucking forbid someone find a flaw.

Im thinking about how my posture looks when I sit. I’m thinking about how I can’t breathe, fuck I can’t breathe I hope no one can notice that I’m literally struggling to fucking breathe I don’t want anyone to worry. Great here comes a silent panic attack and I say silent because it’s become such routine that you’ve learned how to handle hiding one around people. I’m thinking about if anyone has noticed how many times I’ve said “what?” And asked people to repeat themselves multiple times because I’m so into my thoughts that when people speak it sometimes sounds like complete gibberish even if they say it ten fucking times.

I want to release. I want to have a normal mind. I want to be accepted...I want to be reminded that I’m welcome wherever I am...Reassurance is key for me. I just want to be appreciated. I want someone to tell me they are happy to know me. I want to feel the love. I want to be who I really am..freely, lightly and lovingly...

I want to be free from anxiety.

#mine #lexiilegicide

[the-real-idiots-of-imvu-blog]

Im sorry to the followers, that I haven’t kept up with this blog much lately. My job has me working alot of hours and I have been sick irl due to stress. Also before I go on my rant, I would like you all to help me gain more followers if possible. ALOT of peoples lives are in danger due to the Idiots Of Imvu blog and we need to band together to take them down. 

But while I have the chance, I would like to say some things.

Recently I told the blog owner of the Idiots of IMVU page, to stop posting about me or I was going to take legal matters into my own hands. I have shown the page owner that the accusations I made against Misoma and her boyfriend, were in fact true. Misoma herself admitted it to all my friends, that her and her bf did do all the things I accused them of. And she has came to me and appologized, and her and I are now working on our friendship. MISOMA herself even messaged the blog owner and told her that I wasn’t the liar... And that I was in fact the innocent one, and asked the page owner to stop posting lies about me, and saying things about me, because I never told lies about her and her boyfriend and that she was just upset I wasn’t her friend and started lies and rumors about me, to make people hate me. I even showed the page owner screenshots of me and Misomas conversation of her admitting everything, and saying how sorry she was for what her and her bf put me through.. One thing about me is. I dont lie. Even if it gets me hurt. And not only this but I have shown the page owner proof, that the people who are accusing me of harrassing and bullying them, DID in fact harrass me first and went off on me first. People can only send parts of conversations to make them look like a victum. I have been disowned and treated like scum for “Not buying people stuff on imvu, when they asked” Or “Not going off on people for them, and being a bad friend for not defending someone” I have also tried being a good friend and warning people their boyfriends are cheating on them or girlfriends in some cases, and instead of taking my warning, they call me names and we end up in a fight and those people post about me on that blog without showing the WHOLE story. Then that same person will weeks later, come to me and appologize for what they said about me on the page, because they caught their significant other cheating and they should have listened to me. I literally dont just go off on people for no reason. There are always two sides to every story, and the friends who have known me know im a very kind person. Ill even show you what a good friend I have known for over a year now said about me to someone.

“””H0munculus: Fae doesn't hold grudges. If she did she would have nearly no friends. Because almost all of her friends have done something in some way to hurt her. Myself included. So she wouldn't carry on this drama. She doesn't live in the past, She's always looking ahead. So for anyone who wants to believe that she would go out of her way to "destroy" a family they are wrong, and unless they have proof i will not budge an inch.”””

Even with all the proof I have the blog owner cares nothing about it, and will never show it, because she will look like a bitch for lying on someone and making people hate an innocent person. She cares only to destroy my life more. I have even reported to IMVU messages of people telling me to kill myself and being threatened to be killed because of this blog. The blog full of lies about me and countless others. The page owner herself even told me the blog isn’t illegal until my life becomes in danger. And even after I showed her that my life is becoming in danger now, and that I am getting messages from people threatening my life. She continues to bully me on the page. Recently by making this post. After I asked her to take anything down about me.

(Dear Fae/Tiffani:

I ask for the fourth time that you stop contacting me immediately. I have removed all posts about you from the blog. The only thing that remains is your name on the list with the truth: that you continue to harass me via submissions and that others continue to come to me because they are afraid of you.

You are legally harassing me. This is the last time I will ask you to stop all contact. Please stop. I do not want to take legal action, and I don’t think your criminal record can handle another addition.

Sincerely, IdiotsofIMVU)

The funny thing is, I dont even have a criminal record. I have never been to jail. And the one restraining order I had against me has been dropped because the boyfriend and Misoma dropped it. Other than that I have nothing on my record. And I would not even have the job I have if I had one. So shes posting falsehoods about me which is slander for one. AND she used my real first name when posting it without my permission. Which is invasion of privacy and puts my life in danger even more. (The reason I keep calling the blog owner a she is because I do have some information on her. Which I will disclose soon to my followers.) And im sorry but if she did take legal action. The police would look at this page and see that she is the one cyber bullying countless people, and wonder why she takes time out of her day to stalk people so closely she gets their new usernames on imvu. Maybe the page owner needs to watch the movie cyber bully. She can go to jail for that page, even though she swears up and down she cant, and having a VPN wont hide her from the police forever. The sad thing also is, I haven’t said a thing to the blog owner in weeks. Because I have been busy with work, because my life doesn’t revolve around IMVU anymore. I did message her recently because she posted something about me, and the only time I do is when she herself posts something about me, or allows a post to go through about me, then she always tries to make out like shes the victum, and then tries to say im harrassing her. Me asking the blog owner to remove posts about me that are invading my privacy like this one below, which blasts my mental issues and makes fun of me for them... IS NOT WRONG. And in the court of law the judge will arrest the blog owner for this.

(((Anonymous asked: Hello all. I'm not really here to ask anything. I'm here to warn you. Steer clear of xFeilynx. She's very toxic. I know one of my friends who helped her and she started threatening them. She lived with said person and is now claiming they sexually assaulted her even though they never touched her. She's insane. She may have autism but that doesn't stop her from hurting people. She will use you! If you are wondering who the person is, she remains anon. She's a liar. Never ever trust her! Be safe

Fae is absolutely insane. She is not to be trusted at all. I 100% believe you, anon.)))

So what im asking, is for all my followers to help me take this person down. Anyone who has been blasted on that page. Take screenshots of what has been said about you. Go to your local police department, and show them what is going on. DO NOT be afraid of the blog owners retailiation. If anything I am here for you and will support you through it all, because if enough of us do this, the page will be removed. It is affecting peoples real lives, and putting people in danger. The blog owner can argue with me all she wants. But, that page is illegal. I will continue to say it until she gets it. I've even gotten messages from people on here telling me they are scared to even comment on my posts in fear the page owner will blast them and someone will attack them again. Which I will also show to the police. None of us should be scared like this. The blog owner is using peoples imvu names and letting others have their new names over and over, and is now posting their ID numbers, even when they have changed their username to get away from people that are harrassing and bullying them due to the blog. Then when someone changes their name the blog owner, puts them down and calls them an idiot and makes posts about them just because they changed their name. WELL IDIOT BLOG OWNER. The reason we change our name so much is because of people bullying us and threatening us because of YOUR page. Maybe get out and get a job. Find something better to do with your life. Before you seriously end up in prison for a very long time. You are literally stalking people. Allowing people to be harrassed and bullied, and you could care less. Just wait until someone like myself ends up commiting suicide because of you. Cause I know when I get to that point. I will make sure I put in my suicide note that it is YOUR fault and add the link to your page, so the police can see it with their own eyes. Its sad that im getting to the point, as well as others, that we may have to end our lives just so you get the point, and that justice will be served to you.

[btsxlami]

📢LISTEN 📢 UP📢 ARMYS📢 HERE ARE 23 UNDERRATED ¿!MORE!¿ RAP MONSTER TRACKS THAT YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY TOTALLY POSITIVELY SHOULD CHECK OUT by @btsxlami

Hey guys its your favourite Namjoon promoter here again a.k.a LAMI! My last post got a lot of notes so whoop whoop and included my personal favourite 23 Namjoon tracks which you can find here

Part 2 of my underrated Namjoon series.

Here are 23 more bc damn Namjoon has a lot of fcking songs!

Disclaimers: (HOLD UP IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME SEEING THIS I SUGGEST YOU SEE PART ONE)

1. i will include tracks that Namjoon covered

2. I will include tracks that Namjoon featured in

3. I will include tracks that I personally feel the need to be well known *so no I won’t put expensive girl even tho thats my shit*

4. This list will be a bit more laid back since I covered a lot of the most important songs in the last list sooo

5. since i covered his best and most “important” tracks in the last list theres not many left but ill probably include his REALLY early like pre debut fetus tracks with his underground rapper friends, tbh I personally don’t think they are the best but you can definitely see how he grew and where he started from

6. enjoY! and reblog kekeke

7. THIS IS A LONG ASS LIST AND I FUCKING ANALYZED EACH SONG SO I EXPECT YALL TO READ AND APPRECIATE NAMJOON GODDAMIT

8. you can always go to BTS’s official soundcloud for unofficial official tracks yeet

9. titles with stars are ones i recommend ( i should of done this for part one yikes)

1. Voices by Rap Monster ⭐

from his first 2015 mixtape RM > Check out the full album here >>  X  *you can refer to more mixtape songs in my previous list

I feel as if this song is the closest a fan can get with Kim Namjoon. Just listening to it you feel a bit relaxed and almost a bit sad when you start listening to the first half of the song. This song reflects a person’s tender emotions and voices that run inside of someone’s head when they are confused. I remember listening to this 2 years ago and towards the end Namjoon starts screaming out all his pain and I started crying. C R Y I N G

Namjoon had a really smooth life up until he started pursuing hip hop. He was a beyond smart student and had a happy family so why the hell would he be depressed? He had his whole life ahead of him right?

But this lyrics totally breaks that facade down

 “ I didn’t have any dreams just like my lyrics, every day in that way the functions and equations that couldn’t give me an answer in the end those things became uncountable injuries “

Despite having such amazing grades Namjoon did not know what the hell he wanted to do with his life, he didnt want to go into something academic despite being good at it, he was lost in life and his academics could not make him happy but instead hurt him even more.

“ thought I could catch the mirage known as happiness but the me in front of my desk wasn’t happy even for a moment without my mom knowing, I put a sheet of white paper between the pages of my workbook “

This verse totally broke me apart. He wanted to be happy while being in school but school sure as hell did not make him happy. His parents looked up to him as some smartass freak but without them knowing he started writing his own lyrics to cope with his hardships.

“my identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass a different, relaxed feeling compared to when I got my report card even when I was #1 my heart couldn’t relax”

The music brought out his true inner feelings, music brought out his true personality rather than when he was almost robot like studying with no self-identity. Despite being number one in class he still felt an emptiness that only music could fill.

“even as 7 years passed... still making my mixtape by myself in one corner of my room some say I’m fake, okay, I admit it, my dark past I can justify it, but I won’t, so that kind of problem won’t happen again the pedal that I stepped on for 7 years has finally been oiled “

Namjoon has been writing music and tried to get recognition for 7 years, despite Bangtan getting fame he is still lonely writing his own mixtape in a dark corner, kind of pathetic ehh idk, in his mixtape interview his dark past was his problematic sayings and actions. He felt the need to appropriate culture in order to rap. He then figured out that music and culture had nothing to do with eachother, music is for everyone. *I’m fake*

And finally after all the hardships after 7 years he is finally started to receive praise and attention!

2. WE ARE BULLETPROOF PT.1 by: Rap Monster, Supreme Boi, and Iron ⭐

Composed 6-7 years ago when Namjoonie was about 15 or 16 THIS SONG IS FUCKING BOP. 

2 of Bangtans were also first members are featured here: Supreme boi (yall probably familiar with him) and Iron! (i hope iron never affiliates with Bangtan ever again tho we dont need a criminal around them yikes)

3. Hook by Supreme Boi, Iron, and Namjoon (also the track used in Yoongi’s all i do is win)

Extremely old and pre debut, but old is gold

Probably one of Namjoon’s only ‘diss’ song, he usually doesnt diss others while he raps tbvh

4. Seventeen by Rap monster

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULDNT MAKE FUN OF HIM BC 15 YEAR OLD NAMJOON AT THE TIME WAS PROBABLY REALLY PROUD BACK THEN BUT HE LOOKED SO FUCKING FUNNY BC DAMN THAT HAIR AND HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE A CHIPMUNK BUTHUSDHUFUFSUD

5. SKOOL OF TEARS By: Rap Monster, Suga, and Jin ⭐

Absoloute MASTERPIECE! FIRST OF ALL THE ORIGINAL TRACK IS FROM SWIMMING POOLS BY KENDRICK LAMAR AND I LOVE KENDRICK! SECOND, THE RAP FLOW SOUNDS AMAZING NAMJOON IS GOING SO HARD AND DAMN YOONGI BACK AT IT AGAIN! ALSO CREDS FOR BABY BOY JIN FOR SOUNDING SO BADASS HERE BUT HERE IS WHY I LOVE THIS SONG!

I think its absolutely amazing how Namjoon especially writes song towards youth suffering in school, it takes a lot of guts to write against a society that has been around for decades. 

“  This is a ring called a classroom This is a stadium with no referee only an audience You know there will never be a victor everyone will lose There will be no victor everyone will lose”

“ That’s right, in the end school is like another mini society A jungle made carelessly by adults They made the weaklings weak, they made the strong powerful Of course since they were strong they made the weak suffer A society built on the teachings that friends are only for pretend The morals of adults made us step on the weak to rise to the top “

Its clear to see that Namjoon has suffered in school but also isnt afraid to address the truth.

6. Expensive girl by Rap Monster 

( I FUCKING DISCOVERED THIS SONG WHEN I WAS LIKE 11-12 AND I NEVER WANTED TO PUT THIS HEAR BUT YALL LIKE FOUGHT ME TO ADD THIS TO THE LIST GODDAMIT I HATE YALL I GOT LIKE HATE MAN OKAY)

“Take it off now girl just take it off (I’m a master, baby with your bra)Take it off now girl just take it off (I can help you slide those panties off)(..I’m a beat that pussy like you never ever felt before)x2″

7. Converse High (original version SUNG by Rap Monster)⭐

Yall probably heard Bangtan’s Converse High but here was the original version written by Namjoon that was rejected bc of the swearing omg damn joonie, BUT HE SINGS SO BEAUTIFUL IN THIS YESS

(funny story in seventh grade when this came out it was the last day of school and i requested my teacher to stay after school late so i could finish listening to the whole thing)

8. Suicide by Rap Monster

Rapmon wrote this mixtape in the point of view of a baby in his mother’s tummy. The baby’s parents are high school kids who are forced to go through abortion.

*this song was deleted bc of copyright and also the source of it is unknown but hey ITS IN ENGLISH AND DAMN NAMJOON RIGHTS DEEP SHIT*

(tf is namjoon doing u good)

9. What am I to you by Rap Monster from the 2014 Dark & wILD ⭐

if you DONT KNOW THIS SONG I SUGGEST YOU RETHINK YOUR LIFE DECISIONS BC LOWKEY HANDS DOWN ONE OF THE BEST INTRO’S TO A OFFICIAL BTS ALBUM (gif is from the live ver of this song and he started crying ok)

So Namjoon used to have a girlfriend who “mistreated” him. Tbvh we really don’t know what happened but on problematic men he said it wasnt anything serious it was just she would neglect him and not spend enough time but also hang out with other men.

(gif aint mine so gif blogs dont come at me)

But clearly the lyrics of this song are very emotional but the real reason why this song is a masterpiece is because of the rise of  emotions.

It starts off slow and cute, Namjoon mentions how he loves the girl and how their love is pure and innocent, throwing cute love phrases and the song sounds so soft, hopeful, and romantic. But in the middle the music starts to get more serious and Namjoon starts to question the relationship. He feels as if the girl thinks of this relationship as more of a task and a job, and slowly as the song comes to an end NAMJOON STARTS FUCKING SCREAMING AND BELTING! ALL THE EMOTIONS BUILD UP AND HE STARTS SCREAMING “WHAT AM I TO YOU GIRL WHAT AM I TO YOU I DO LOVE YOU CRAZY UH DO YOU” LIKE IT WAS SCARY I WAS CRYING IM LIKE NAMJOON WHO TF HURT YOU

10. Always by Rap Monster ⭐

This song is more recent and farely well known but I still felt the need to put this masterpiece here. Namjoon said not to worry about him as the lyrics are really sad and almost ???SUICIDAL??? but he said he wrote this when he was stressed last year. Its kind of a self questioning song about life and your purpose. I cried when it came out. well i always cry when i listen to namjoon is it a surprise.

I'm honestly in tears because this song goes to show how hurt Namjoon still is even after all these years. Even after all these awards, fans, and accomplishments. Depression still hurts after a long time. I can tell that this song was talking about his past. This song literally made me realize Namjoon was questioning his existence and I wanna hold him so badly. Guys...we could of lost Kim Namjoon. My absolute favourite human being in the entire world who saved my life. He is a human being who does not deserve such pain but I am so proud he endured it so well and look how far he came. One of my favourite verses "I live for the sake of understanding this world, but why hasnt the world tried to understand me atleast once" Its a really vague phrase which is why I like it. WORLD could mean destiny, fate, life, even parents.  He tries so hard to accept his life, to understand his parents wishes, sacrificing his own happiness yet fate decides to only give him the worst. "Dad please listen to me" "dead dad, your dead to me," Talking about how his dad wouldn't let him rap. I remember him mentioning that his dad once told him all that education he worked hard for was for nothing and I can’t imagine how sad Namjoon felt in that moment. "I would tell god if I ever meet him, i would hold him by the collar and tell him this life is like a coffee I never ordered" A pretty sad and a bit confusing verse, maybe leading to why Namjoon eventually became an atheist. Namjoon was in so much pain he didnt want to be born. "I wished I was dead...... I wished “Someone would kill me" No Namjoon never utter such words. My joonie mini I hope you are better and hopeful now, look at how far you came, your so successful and loved, and you made your family proud. Dont ever doubt yourself and even think about death, just keep living happily and moving forward. He honestly felt lost in this point of his life and still continues to feel lost. Namjoon you have such in important role and your existence was destined. You were born for a reason. You were born to change lives. 

11.  J-Lim ft. Rap Monster & Iron - Ashes

12. TIPSY BY RAP MONSTER & SUPREME BOI

Namjoon wrote this in the beginning of his rap career when he was still trying to find where he stood as a rapper. He mentions how he isnt doing this for the fame or money and he isnt the next Nas or Tupac he just wants to rap for the love of it.

13.  Rap Monster of 방탄소년단 (BANGTAN),Supreme Boi,i11evn,Marvel.J - You can't do that

*i suggest you skip ahead to 1:30 for namjoon fire verse, shade intended*

14.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단,Suprema,Marvel.J,Kyum2 - Rollin

I also recommend you to skip ahead to 2:40 BC DAMN BOY GOES HARD

But tbvh pre debut namjoon squad (supreme boi , young jeezy, iron are hella problematic and say the n word in this and still do so im like yikes im happy nam left you) “ They pissed, now rape me" bitch whet

yeah im just here for namjoons verse bye

imma mufukin balla on this mufuckin beat spit mufuckin rap on this mufuckin shit got mufuckin skill so im mufuckin phat its mufuckin trick and a mufuckin track i i bet you betta stop stopin da chatter im a rapper man, and i represent BPB im juss so greater than hoes

15. FUCK COCKROACHES BY RAP MONSTER AND ZICO *THIS IS SO FUNNY*

Zico was 15 and RapMon was 13 when they rapped this, Namjoon sounds like a chipmunk BUT ZICO SOUNDS LIKE JIMIN I STG!

16. Rap Monster- Thinking Bout you

Joonie Mini Representing Biggie smalls eyyy!

17. Glory By Rap Monster

"I'm a dick? Yeah, when you disturb me, I grow bigger" SO FUCKING DONE

*there was lowkey lowkey controversy bc he said he tore 4 hymens BUT DETECTIVE LAMI FIXED IT*

 In the beginning Namjoon says that people looked at him pitifully because he joined BTS,  the Underground rappers were disappointed with him which led the Underground rappers to leave him, which has ripped his hymen. Not 4 hymen of random girls. 4 and "I" sound the same in Korean

it's a bit weird but in this case he is talking about himself all the hate people showed has ripped his hymen symbolizing his innocence for music.

18. NAA BY RAP MONSTER

tHE ORIGINAL BEAT WAS DEUCES BY CHRIS BROWN I WAS DYING

19. REGULAR VOICE BY RAP MONSTER ⭐

A really sweet and open-minded song about Namjoon wanting a “regular girl” “Height? I don’t care. Age? I don’t mind it. When you say, “I’ll only look at you” then I’m okay. Whether your skin is light or dark it doesn’t really matter, our love is deeper than that. “

I feel as if idols are pressured to have certain ideal types and say them out in the open, Namjoon had bad influences around him *underground rappers* which also influenced his negative sayings towards certain things but he wrote this song all alone at a young age which shows that his intentions are pure, and ever since he apologized for his wrong doings you go joon.

his voice sounds like sex

20. DREAMING BY RAP MONSTER

FETUS CHUBBY WTF HAIR NAMJOON IS BACK

okay but seriously you can see that despite being young he put a lot of effort and thought into this song!

21.  RAP MONSTER of 방탄소년단 feat.김거덕 - RAP

22.  130305??  THIS TRACK IS UNTITLED BUT IT SOUNDS SO EPIC TF

23. Trouble by Rap Monster 🔞 🔞

OKAY IM BARELY AROUSED BUT THIS SHIT ACTUALLY HAD ME SOAKED IM SORRY GOD LIKE ITS SO SUGGESTIVE I STG 

HIS SEXUAL FANTASIES I STG

#btsxlami #bts #bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtanboys #bpb #rap monster #rap mon #kim namjoon #namjoon #joon #rap monster smut #rap monster fluff #rap monster scenario #rap monster au #namjoon smut #namjoon angst #namjoon scenario #jin #seokjin #kim seokjin #namjoon sexy #namjoon appreciation #namjoon gif #jin scenario #min yoongi #yoongi #suga #suga rap #yoongi scenario

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i just got back home at my new apartment from a MAST meeting and there’s some things i need to get off my chest that i realized i’ve been avoiding.

honestly, we’ve been a bit distant lately.

im really grateful for MAST and the people they are. and i only wish we couldve bonded on this level sooner but i am glad we’re able to do so now.

we had some deep talks during our hangout today and were very present and intentional with each other and im glad. 

and when jason shared about his family, it made me realize how terrified i am to go home bc i am afraid that nothing will have changed. i love jenny and i love MAST. I love PJosh, Amanda, Jason, and Johnathan bc I dont have to worry about being a burden with them bc i do genuinely love and care for me and want the best for me. They go out of their way to take care of me and make sure im home safe and mentally okay. And I am beyond grateful. Unsun loves me. Jenny Chang loves me. Josh Henderson I think loves me. People actually care for my wellbeing here. And I don’t feel like I have that at home. Not only have I been distancing myself from my family but I’ve been distant with everyone back home in general bc i’ve been so focused on trying to make a community here. Full of people I love and trust and can rely on.

I just dont want to feel like I’m being taken for granted again and just have so many expectations upon me. To be a good daughter, to be a good sister, to do this or do that. My mom was offended I didn’t ask her to help me move to Chicago my freshman year and she only asked me if I wanted her to help me move bc she found out her friends were helping their kids move in. She didn’t ask or offer her assistance. She just expected me to ask bc she wanted to fit in with her friends and prove she was a good mother.

even with my sister, she messaged me today with an expectation of me. instead of being glad or grateful that i would be going home, she asked why i couldnt just leave later and go to lollapalooza with her. is it wrong of me to expect or hope for her to be grateful im coming home at all? why is it so terrible that i dont want to go to lollapalooza? i told her that i still encouraged her to go if we wanted to and im not standing in the way of that. and she even said my mom was willing to pay for my ticket to the concert but im already so in debt to her bc of my mission trip and i dont want to just add onto that.

im also lowkey a lil frustrated rn bc i feel like ive explained my proposal to emily on how to handle utilities 3 times already and yet, she keeps asking and assuming and my patience is starting to run thin. i dont understand why she hasnt taken my proposal seriously or done what i asked her to do. she knows i dont have a phone and seemed willing to call peoplegas herself at first so i dont understand why shes being stubborn about doing it now.

sigh

anyway, in the car today while johnathan was driving me home to my new apartment, he asked what my thoughts on the whole topic were bc i had remained pretty quiet throughout it all. which i did. partly bc i just wanted to listen and be present and not feel the need to say what i think is “right” or the “best answer” and also bc i could never find a good opportunity to enter the conversation without interrupting someone else. and i confessed that at least on the topic of christians vs non-christians, i understood why jason would feel closer to non-christians bc of that expectation that christian communities have. i grew up in the church, yes. But I didn’t meet Christ until the end of 7th grade. And then I was temporarily on a spiritual high but struggled a lot my freshman year of high school and eventually just didnt see it as a priority or a reason to attend at all during my sophomore and junior years. And senior year, I tried to be open and honest and ended up feeling betrayed by James and tbh, im still a little triggered whenever I hear that name. Regardless of who it’s actually referring to and the context behind it. But that is when I came back to God bc I did feel a sense of community and belongingness with my Guatemala team. At least at first. I definitely felt it with Judy and Grace and I was glad to be there with them. But whenever I’ve come home and far too often, I feel like I have to try so hard just to be a part of the community at all and have to try to go to them so I have anyone in my life that I can rely on. Even when it comes to games, I’m often excluded and ignored bc I don’t fit the “standard” or cultural norm. And no one wants to be excluded or outcasted. We’re all insecure about ourselves but bc everyone is too afraid, no one reaches out to those that are left out and they all eventually leave bc they dont feel a sense of community. it’s a toxic culture and i dont want to go back. but yeah, i didnt come back to Christ until my senior year of high school and even then, it was just gaining a deeper understanding of Him through the Word and practical exercises. But mostly from mission training tbh and just being able to get closer with my team. so during that time when i was away from the church, i relied on my non-christian friends and they were the ones that were there for me when things got rough. i was honestly miserable at home and i couldnt handle it on my own and they were there to help me and listen to me and talk to me and be there for me. not my church friends. with them, i just felt betrayed. i tried to reach out to james, only to find out he and the rest of the guys had been gossiping about me behind my back when i so hopefully believed that we were getting closer and on our way to being friends. im shocked whenever people acknowledge my voice and im not ignored bc im so used to that culture and environment. ive tried to cry out to God and while i havent heard these things about me directly, i have heard many people complaining about people singing too loudly or not singing well enough and how it was annoying or keeping them from going to God. And I am so scarred by that toxic culture and behavior and bc that’s the only church I ever knew growing up, it’s affected how I perceive church in general now. And with church, there’s a certain expectation to be a better person and actively try to be more Christlike which I do but bc of that, I feel like I can’t make mistakes and have to meet that expectation which just leads me back down the path of perceiving serving as an obligation and work and a burden and something i have to do instead of doing it bc i genuinely care and want to serve God by serving them. It is so easy for me to cultivate deeper relationships with my school friends and really care for them bc there is no expectation for me to do anything. But because I genuinely care, I am able to reach out to them and make sure they’re doing okay and provide my help and services in any way that i can.  with church, im almost forced and expected to reach out and be a good Christian and do everything right.

I know P. Josh knows my character and who I am and loves me for me but every single time I fall back into this mindset of serving bc I feel like I have to serve and I’m being defined by that, I am afraid to tell him and be honest about it bc I know he said previously he’d be weary of someone joining MAST bc they defined themselves by how they serve and I don’t want him to kick me out of MAST bc that’s what I’ve become. And I keep beating myself up over falling back into this place and this habit because I so desperately don’t want to lose this community and this little family that I have here and people that I do love and trust and rely upon so much. I don’t want to disappoint him. I can’t bear to. 

And even at my home church, I never felt like I could speak ill of my parents or vent about what I was going through with them bc my dad was so heavily involved in the church. Everyone knew who he was and I didn’t want to soil his name. I had to be a good Christian and uphold his reputation as his daughter. 

But I hated being defined as “Marty’s daughter” or “Loren’s sister.” I just wanted to be known as Jessica Oh. I wanted to be known as me for me.

And I know I’ve made mistakes at my home church and bc they came back to haunt me later during my high school career, I’m afraid they’ll never go away hear. I made a lot of mistakes my sophomore year and I’ve grown a lot since then. But I’m worried people haven’t forgotten about the mistakes I’ve made and relationships I once had are irreparable bc of things I said or did that I didn’t realize in the moment was wrong. I can’t be fully honest or trust the community with who I am bc I feel like I have to be perfect all the time bc of the expectation and pressure placed upon me. And it’s crippling. It’s a fear that is crippling and I can’t fully handle. I’m letting it stop me from really coming before Christ and being honest with Him and growing as a community bc of my love for Him and yearn to serve Him.

but...it’s definitely tough.

i started crying in the car. i didnt think i would but i really am in a lot of pain over this. i just hope it gets resolved soon.

but anyway, thank you God for providing us with the space and opportunity to share our thoughts and go deeper with each other. it was much needed and meant a lot to me and i do really love them all so much.

thank you, God.

oh last thing—the reason ive never really shared all this with jason in the past is bc i know his own relationship with his family is tense and he cant help me or give any advice on how to solve this issue bc he himself does not know.

but yeah.

thank you, God.

#reflection

[latesthollywoodnews]

Jeffree Star EXPOSES Beauty Guru Thomas Halbert With Receipts on Twitter

Jeffree Star EXPOSES Beauty Guru Thomas Halbert With Receipts on Twitter

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This whole mess started when Thomas posted to his YouTube channel on October 12th titled ‘Racism, Sexism, and Silence.’ In the video, Thomas talked about an unnamed friend – who many assumed to be Jeffree – and called him out on his past racist behavior. Thomas went on to talk about how he shouldn’t have stayed silent on the matter. He also made a comment about how people shouldn’t be allowed to get away with being racist after opening up about meeting between himself and Jeffree and how that situation ended up being a bust. Now this is when things got reallll messy. A couple days after the video was uploaded, Jeffree took to his Twitter to defend himself and basically implied that Thomas is a liar and EXPOSED him with receipts. Jeffree tweeted QUOTE, “Dear @ThomasBeautyy, I’m confused by watching your new video…you smartly don’t mention my name, because lies and defamation of character is illegal and I know you’re afraid of the consequences…But you insinuated my name so I’m going to respond…” In his tweets, Jeffree also mentions the same meeting where the two tried to make amends and end all the drama between them once and for all. Although Jeffree thought the meeting was going well, he found out after their get together that Thomas was relaying information to Manny and Laura. Once he revealed this, Jeffree immediately started sharing receipts and screenshots of text messages where he confronted Thomas on the whole situation. “It’s been about 2 months since I’ve talked or seen Thomas. He uploaded a video blatantly lying, saying I (he didn’t have the guts to say my name) said something ‘racist’ in front of him, KNOWING it will stir and make a lot of people question me again because of my past. Thomas, You can’t make me out to be something I’m not. No matter how miserable you are, you can’t bring that misery onto me. After I rejected you wanting to film videos and after I declined doing business with you, I’m the villain? NOT TODAY SWEETIE.” If you thought it all ended there, think again. After Jeffree defended himself against Thomas’s accusations, Thomas wrote a lengthy apology to his fans and shared the note on Twitter. In this apology, Thomas admitted to being QUOTE “manipulative, two faced & shady behind closed doors.” He then said QUOTE, “I have been VERY immature over the last few years and I’m still growing into the person I would like to be.” After apologizing, Thomas defended himself and said QUOTE, “One thing I am not is a liar. There is nothing that I have said about Jeffree Star that has been a lie. I will not go back on what I said in regards to the racial slur because it was *not* a lie.” Thomas then ended his string of tweets with QUOTE, “To be quite honest this is probably the dumbest drama I’ve ever been in. This is beyond immature and annoying. I tried to start an intelligent conversation and own up to my actions initially that got dumbed down and turned into a smear campaign.” Once those tweets were out in the open, Jeffree decided to share a few last words before ultimately deciding that he’s done talking about the drama. Jeffree quoted a tweet and wrote QUOTE, “Here is literal proof of Thomas saying the n-word from his old friend. Absolutely disgusting. Funny how the ones who always accuse me, are the actual guilty ones. The facts are out there. I’m done talking about this bullshit. I have a phone full of more receipts if any more lies want to be told on my name.” Wow. So what are your thoughts on all of this drama? Do you believe Thomas or are you on Jeffree’s side? Leave your comments in the comment section below. Then click over here to watch another new video and don’t forget to subscribe to our channels. Thanks for hanging with me, I’m Emile Ennis Jr., and I’ll see ya next time!

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