#im gonna try to make 2017 better than last year

[cupuasu]

loooove december break!! i genuinely thought this was one of the most mentally exhausting semesters of my life. it felt like it was never ending yet at the same time like i had 100000 things to do and send it over to the professors like yesterday. and i have never been so bad at communication as i was the past 6 months. i'd forget to say things and when i could say them i chose not to. literally snowballed itself into horrible hurried projects. it all started so chill i literally didn't worry that 1) laptop wasnt working 2) only signed in for two classes 3) i needed to change my table and chair because my back is RUINED. of course that all got solved along the way but it'd be easier if i had fixed those three things back in july break, i think i'm a masochist when it comes to things like this, i see the whip coming and i just stand there motionless. like as soon as it was 12:01 02/12/2023 i felt like i needed to scream freedom lol

then these days honestly i didn't even feel anything at all (other than that temporary extreme relief that it was over). because it just all feels so pointless. i will go thru all of this again next semester because i'm already fucking up now (signed for classes i know i can't handle because everyone tells me "i need to challenge myself if i want to get better", signed for mandatory unpaid internship as if the PAID one i did last year didn't absolutely kill me). part of me just wants to finish this stupid fucking shit by next year (impossible bc i still have like 20 classes left to do). i love architecture but university really sucks your soul out. they (society and the job market) kill your inspiration then they kill your will to live. i look around this city and everything is so ugly and useless and not functional and it tries so hard to look clean and modern it ends up just being fake and empty. if i go into private stuff i'll get insane clients that'll want the ugliest dumbest shit ever built, if i go into the public one the government has no sense of self and just tries to copy whatever's trending on the southeast/south or usa/europe as if it would work or as if they had money. like jesus christ think locally. all these ugly glass boxy buildings are gonna be the end of us, these dumb empty parks are doing more harm than good, stop restoring historical buildings if you're just gonna abandon them again. if i see anything in a beige palette i go in a rabid rage like where is the life where's the originality? sure overly-regional things can be cringe and people in the north and especially in my city have a terminal case of vira-latice. ideally i'd have started uni in 2017 and finished it in 2021 and moved on to whatever the future may hold but im MENTALLY ILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! did 2 semesters then took a gap year then came back to uni and i'm just as lost as i felt in 2017. I FEEL STUCK IN TIME!!!!!! sure if i had done it "normally" i wouldn't even be here because i would have For Real killed myself. to be quite honest i didn't even think i was gonna make it past 13 years old and here i am 10 years later pushing thru it and all i got from it is that i should've thrown myself out of the damn 15th floor of a building when i had the chance in 2013. like genuinely genuinely speaking whenever i look around whenever i go out society and the world just seems to get worse. i can still see beauty in some things but it feels like staring at a small flower in a world where everything is destroyed. i can distract myself as much as i want to but the sense of doom and the sense of me being a waste of a life NEVER goes away.

and on the topic of distractions i have been using my phone so much it's making my brain go insane so i'm trying to not use it as much (12h screentime.....) sadly i haven't been able to focus on drawing or reading or writing or doing anything that is "by me for me" because i cannot focus. i feel soulless yet so depressed. seeing dead bodies and people fighting and suffering so hard just to live daily definitely made it worse but i feel bad saying that because it's like 'oh no this horrible thing is happening and i can't do anything except watch' bc there's ppl Going thru that horrible thing. i will always have an undying respect for palestinians and i think in fact watching all this made me realise how resiliant and strong ppl can be. and also how evil some ppl can be, i have never seen someone as inhuman as z**nists like the more i learn the angrier i get. and this is silly but sites like twitter (for me at least) there were a endless stream of them. no matter how many i blocked there would always be more. here at tumblr i guess i curated my dash very well and i don't use the for you tab here so i don't see them at all (thank god). yet you'll always find out someome at staff is a z**nist or something like that (same happens in other sites) and it's wow no matter how good my dash/timeline is these are all still a morally failed site owned and/or run by losers and i wish i wasn't as chronically online so i'd delete every account on every website and never use the internet again.

the only thing that has made me sort of zone out and forget life is gaming. i've been playing stardew valley like my life depends on it and sadly i can't even put mods on switch so i'm genuinely #grinding. i'm on year two winter and i got so much stuff already (my first time playing had me on year four fall and i didn't have half of what i have now). also last month my mom bought ssd cards for our laptops and i was able to redownload genshin so i'm playing it a lot again. i really missed kazuha and xinyan i feel like i have a slight delusion thing where characters genuinely bring me joy. also i haven't played genshin in sooooo long my hands forgot how to use the keyboard (and i've been losing fine motor skills lately but i'll talk about that later) and i was so used to playing zelda that i mixed up some of the world dynamics. i'd be like where are the sky islands i need to look at the map from above, why can't i mark things far away with a camera so i can check later, how do i see hero's path i need to know if i've been here before, why is it so hard to aim, why can't i parry, why don't the enemies drop decent loot. and also i'd be annoyed by common genshin stuff like the endless amount of text and dialogue like my GOD let me skip. i don't care!!!! i stopped reading text after the raiden shogun quest now i just skip everything!!!! why are the cutscenes so boring!!!!! why is every archon quest the same!!!!! but i love open world games. i love long quests. i love exploring. i love puzzles. hate the gacha system though. i haven't played in over a year and i thought when i'd come back there'd be 27827383 notifications and primogems STACKED for me to use and yet i wasnt surprised when there wasn't anything bc mihoyo is the worst company on earth and capitalism is the end of us. kinda sad i missed the birthday event and lost a cute fontaine companion though. by the way the flying and diving system is so broken (to me at least) and it's sooooo uncomfortable. my fingers are on the WASD keys and the space key and the shift like jesus christ this sucks. i got too used to using the switch and having a controller and the gyroscope and the comfort of it all lol.

the fine motor skills worsening started this year i think. i can't pinpoint exactly why or when but i think it was a mix of a bunch of things. i've been sedentary my whole life so my bones and joints are all fucked. i've been sitting ans standing wrong my whole life and my bones/muscles just adapted to it so now when i try to fix it, it hurts like hell. i'm pretty sure one of my legs is way shorter than the other. back to my fingers, i noticed that i wasnt able to type on my phone as fast as i did in the past. couldn't move them that fast anymore. felt like there was some sort of lag or glitch on the brain-to-hand connection. didn't pay much attention to that cos who cares how fast i can type. then i wasnt able to type on a keyboard properly, then not able to hold things properly, and now my hands just feel sort of numb and/or slow compared to before. fine for me though, i feel like i need to slow down when i do projects or when i'm gaming. i always get too much into it (and often at the last minute) then my body pays the price. the last project this semester had me up for 2 days and on the verge of an psychotic episode for another 4.

oh and to top it all off my laptop hard drive decided to kill itself in the middle of the semester. it was showing signs of giving up waaaay before that and i didn't know any better and didn't look into it. i'm still very hurt over it. there were SO many photos and SO many videos and documents and audios and music. my lifetime was there. and now it's gone and i still can't believe it. so mamy personal moments and also a lot of work i made and collected just gone forever in the void that is technology. i will never be able to see the baby pictures of my dogs and i won't be able to see the videos i took when i traveled with my family and i won't be able to read things i wrote when i was 13 and i won't be able to see pictures of myself growing up over the years and i wont be able to see all the pictures i saved of my online friends and i wont be able to listen to all the music i downloaded or watch the movies i downloaded or read those pdfs and i won't be able to use the billion autocad blocks that took me years to organize and i won't be able to make a portfolio bc my work and the proof of its existence is not there and i wont be able to play the games i had in those specific save files...... its like it never existed. like i have never felt a loss like this in my entire life. literally my burning of alexandria lol they will always exist on my mind of course, but i must also be experiencing some sort of early on set dementia because i forget EVERYTHING unless it's in front of me. so there's also the loss of the loss because everything i had in that hard drive died and it will also die in my memories.

and my phone fell last month i think and now the camera app doesn't open and i havent been able to take pictures. it's funny cos after i had my iphone stolen in 2019 and had to buy the one i have now (cheap and low quality) i thought i stopped taking pictures of everything. but man these days made me realise i unconsciously photograph things. i try to open my camera almost by muscle memory then watch it close itself and glitch. now i've been trying to write things down or just memorize them, which has been hard bc of my hands and my bad brain. but it's fun. analog almost. i get to appreciate and look at things more carefully with my own two eyes now instead of "ill take a pic and look at it later". and man, is the sky beautiful!!! the leaves are beautiful, the sky is beautiful!!! even the ants on the ground are!!

and its kinda early, but i do feel my body age also. probs due to me being unhealthy and normally old = sick. my back hurts so bad for sitting and standing and existing and sitting on a bad chair on a bad table for years, im really glad for being able 2 go the doc and get physio therapy and my posture fixed. i want a tank to make me flat cartoon style, that'd fix my pain!!! my posture doc kinda is weirded out by me (im too hairy and too awkward) but the therapist doesnt care at all. theyve really be relieving my shoulder pain, i wonder if there's still a way to fix it... itd be genuinely life saving

#diary #<- new tag for when i want to go balls to the walls with oversharing #gonna be sad if tumblr deletes what i wrote there's like loooong paragraphs here that will be necessary for my internal growth in 5 months

[spinoff-antithesis]

[@distinguished-turtle-enjoyer ]

i actually have not stopped thinkin bout your bb!edit like,,,, its so good and scratches my brain right

how long have you been doin edits for? do have any tips for someone, who hypothetically, wants to start doin edits too? what programs do you use? how did you do the cool animated bits?

im so sorry for all the qustions 😭😭 i just think youre very talented and inspirational and i hope you have a good day ^_^

hi firstly oh my gosh you're literally so sweet i am gently shaking you i love you so much /p. secondly, i apologize for the long answer! (it's all under the cut. this got away from me. i'm so sorry apparently i have a lot to say.) (also you're so good about the questions i would constantly be asking one of my professors questions during class to the point where she said i didn't have to go "i have a question" every time i approached her)

i've been editing since 2016! around march/april, i think? loved it so much i went into film & video production in college as a major so i could do editing for a living. (i have done more motion graphics for my classmates than i have done edits outside of class assignments, BUT!)

the program i use is after effects - i started learning it when covid first hit the united states because i had nothing better to do with my time (other than music theory but i failed that bc my professor focused more on the history aspects than the actual theory soooo) and my ipad kept giving me the "no more storage" whenever i tried to use videostar lmao. (vs has, apparently, gotten a LOT of good updates, so if you're looking to start editing and have an ios system, i'd look into it! only downside is you have to pay for some of the cool stuff).

also the program i use for masking (i think i explain this later dwdw) is superimpose. i've been using it since 2014 and it's SO nice bc i can use my fingers to erase backgrounds & stuff instead of hoping i can get it to work correctly in ae or photoshop (photoshop my DETESTED i'll use it but i'll complain the entire time).

for people who want to start editing: tutorials on how your program works and how to do specific transitions are gonna be your best friend when you're first figuring things out! i forced a friend to literally walk me through how after effects worked when i was first figuring it out, and when i had swapped to videostar back in 2017/2018(?) i had watched a Lot of tutorials. that and played around a lot and figured things out on my own - which is also always a good way to start!! it's also totally valid to look at other people's edits for inspiration - most editors don't really care, as long as you don't flat-out remake their edit (some people don't like that!). i have a style insp folder on instagram where i save edits that i like so if i need transition ideas or i'm doing a different style, i can look there for inspiration. at the end of the day, as long as you're having fun with it that's all that matters!

also, starting simple is always okay!! my edits for a year were just me slapping gifs & video segments together on a timeline in cute cut pro bc imovie didn't load them lol & it'd crash every time i breathed. ++ it never hurts to ask people for feedback/constructive(!!!) criticism/etc! (also not to sound like everyone else but practice? good. it's so good. if i showed my 14/15y/o self some of the edits i can make now they would've passed out on the spot bc i was still trying to figure out transitions back then. programs can also sometimes make a difference in edits, but usually it's not super noticeable until you start getting to the Complicated Shit.)

a lot of popular programs i've seen are ones like video star (ios only), alight motion (android only), after effects (i recommend 🏴‍☠️ing it tbh, i only use it legally bc i had to use adobe programs for school), capcut, and i think some people still use sony vegas pro & maybe cute cut pro (i've heard it may have actually gotten better since i last used it in 2018)? i have no idea. programs also depend on whatever device you're using to edit on! since i've been using my laptop, i'm able to use after effects (it's computer-only), but when i used my phone/ipad to edit i used ccp & vs.

for the animation - it's a lot of cutting up the image and masking! more complex animations, like the one i had of leo walking down that red 'hallway' have several different layers that have been masked. (i removed the background & filled in the spot where leo originally was in two different apps - superimpose (taking leo out) & photoshop (filling in the bg)) in after effects, the way i've done this was mask out the specific thing i wanted to move (like an eye) and then put that mask on what i've called a "base" (not animated), and then stick a solid behind the base to match the color of the object. (some of my layers are not named appropriately; base 2 is the left arm & the four "SIX_[...]" layers are the mask/bandana tails)

an example of this would be for any of the eye blink animations i did! this (above) is the same shot, with and without the eye - since it's masked out and i have the background solid behind it, it doesn't look too unnatural/have a black outline/mass where his eye should be.

what it looks like without the solid layer behind it ^ (the red lines are from the null layers - ignore that)

this is what my timeline looks like if it's a more simplistic animation - the only five things being animated here are leo & raph's eyes. (there's only this many layers bc it's two characters in one shot & i was also animating their pupils - typically, an eye-blink animation is about 4-6 layers for me (solid, base, mask, & null to animate with, 6 if i'm animating both eyes & 4 if just one))

in after effects, there's this really cool tool called the puppet pin that one of my friends (lovingly) yelled at me for not knowing about - which. yeah fair she wasn't wrong it's SUPER useful in animating, provided you chop up your image first. if you don't it's a mess.

(separated by layer vs i should've really put the mask tails & leo's head on separate layers and didn't bc that was the 2nd to last animation i had to do and i was losing my mind bc i wanted to be done with the edit lmao)

the way people animate depends all on their style (there's two common ways to do blinking animation - having the anchor point at the bottom of the eye, or the middle of it) and the program they use. it's been a while, but i could probably tell you how to do some basic animations on videostar still even though i've been doing them in after effects for about 2-3years now. ALSO the best way to have an animation be noticeable is to over-exaggerate it/make them Big - which, yes, can mean 'breaking bones' and having the limbs be a little wonky at the start. (if you want it to be realistic though go Just to the point where it looks uncomfortable lmao)

uhm. again i am so sorry that this is so long i THINK this is everything? if not: my inbox/dms are always open if you ever want to ask more questions, wanna follow up on something, etc etc!! (also if you ever start editing please send me your edits!!! i'd love to see them <3)

#this got away from me im SO sorry (just put this in google docs out of curiosity. 1255 words. i am so sorry for the essay.) #uhm. ANYWAY YES like i said if you have any other questions feel free to reach out!!! i am always alway willing to help people out #with stuff like this!!! i can talk your ear off though if this wasn't enough proof of that /j #if nothing makes sense it's bc i'm responding to this at like. 5am my time. so. my bad if there's typos i'm so sorry #like i think i saw this ask at 4:40ish am and i'm still making sure i've got everything covered and its like 5:32am LMAO #me when i dont sleep bc i have no routine now #ask box pals #art creds in the screenshots to trubblegumm !! <- tagging to be safe #still in shock at the amount of positive feedback im getting from my bb!leo edit like oh my god you guys are incredible ilysm /p #sorry i discovered in the middle of typing out my tags that you can edit them now after you've hit enter where am i. #also this is offtopic so its down here but i am Not complaining about doing more motion graphics than actual editing. #a bitch has won two awards for their motion graphics at festivals and i've been doing them for a YEAR #(laughs in the first time i ever did a real one i won a student award. idk how. but i DID and i won the pro category this year <3) #it would be nice tho to do more editing for short films tho :( had a professor tell me i was good at it. #i should rly start using my camera and shoot my own stuff and edit it huh. maybe i will eventually i have a few ideas. #anyway. i need to stop rambling abt my experience as a film student and go to bed i apparently need to be up in the morning but idk WHEN

[machsabre]

Reboot 2023

So... 

I'd like to say it's because of Covid, but truthfully, it's been a thing long before then too. I've been playing catch up with myself for far too long. I fell out of the comic making groove about a decade ago, and I never quite got back in. In 2017 I started Stargazer Apogee with the intent of getting back into it all. But not long after, I got married, we moved, bought a house, had a new career, and I was starting to have some health issues... It was kinda hard to keep on making a comic. Not to mention, I was coming into this with a “webcomics 2010″ mindset which is NOT how webcomics (or webtoons) are done anymore. And my art was going through a shift in styles at that time too. When I started, it was still traditionally penciled and inked... Then digitally inked... And it just kept harder to match up how I was drawing NOW to how I was drawing at the start of the comic. And then there was the script, which was constantly undergoing rewrites, as I was drawing it. (Which is not the greatest way to get back into groove.) And that’s not even counting the issues that the Pandemic caused. I just was never able to catch up to where I left off, much less where I left off a decade ago. On the plus side, my art DID get better! I mean, my art now is better than it’s ever been in my life.  Then earlier this year... Things sucked. My father died. My family were tools about it. I had some serious issues at work with some projects. I had some health issues that I’ll keep private, My wife and I had Covid back to back, my wonderful dog died out of nowhere and I had my first panic attack. This was all in a span of three months. And I spent weeks just trying to feel normal again. Something that never came and now I’m seeing a therapist and got diagnosed with severe anxiety. I'm not even the same person I was five months ago, much less five years ago. Or ten. In the last couple months, things have changed. The health issues apparently have an inexpensive fix. (Which I'm currently doing.) I got a neat new (better paying, less stressful) job, which gives me a lot of walking so I can get more exercise. (10,000 steps a day is commonplace now.) I’m on bupropion, which has helped me manage that anxiety so much better that panic attacks haven’t happened since, and I’m finally thinking clearly again for the first time in a long time. Which made me realize that I can never re-obtain what I was going for in the past. I need to start anew. So with the new year upon us soon, all previous unfinished stuff is done. Projects will be hard rebooted or completely changed. I'm taking this as a new opportunity, to re-establish myself as a comic creator. So right now, I have projects in mind that I want to do. But the immediate one I’m working on it what I call my “smutty monster-mystery” book. (Currently untitled.) Meant for (im)mature audiences, a little fun mystery story with sex, monsters, murder and dumb jokes. It’ll be a B&W comic, meant to evoke the feelings of those old Carter Brown Mystery novels. More on this soon. I’ll probably make a (new) Patreon for this. But that’s a 2023 issue. Right now, I’m just gonna spend the rest of this year script writing and drawing various stupid stuff.

More on this all soon. 

#upcoming projects #original comic #rebooting

[khodorkovskaya]

22.12.22

im so lost about what to do with B. so far my tactic has been not messaging him first and, if he messages me, i reply. but im not gonna initiate any kind of interaction myself. it's just weird how we've been texting back and forth every day for a month and he insisted on seeing me and then poof radio silence. im confused but i do admit that i have been feeling a lot better ever since he stopped messaging me.

i saw my bestie before she left to the airport and we talked about boys and gossiped and omg her ex left to live on a farm like that's so funny to me. and i brought up B and she said i should message him on the 1st of january like "new year, new me. let's leave our relationship in 2022 and start 2023 without old baggage". and idk, it did sound tempting at first bc i am a dramatic bitch and plus i think now id be able to write a better and more heartfelt letter than last time. but... what's the point? that's just gonna lead him on even more. id much rather just keep my distance and not interact with him unless there's a real necessity. sure, there's a lot to say about this whole situation and maybe it would be good for me to write this letter just for myself and my own self reflection, but is that really useful? it's just gonna make things worse and hurt B even more.

anyway, as ive said before, i haven't really had the time to unpack everything that's happened. i feel like i need to analyse our relationship/breakup to be able to move forward. bc it's been at the back of my mind for such a long time and i need my conscience to be fully clear to be able to move on. so yesterday before bed i thought about B and reread my old diary entries on here.

and it's just so... sad how bad our relationship was. i was unhappy for five long years and for what. there was not one moment with him when i felt content and satisfied. five long years of unhappiness and frustration. and even the few fun moments that we had together were always under the shadow of this inescapable doom. it's so tragic. it's so tragic how something you believed was a pillar of your existence and your reason to live and such an integral part of you life was just... a bad relationship. not like in an abusive sense or like he was a bad person. no. it was just a mediocre relationship between two incompatible individuals. and all those dreams and hopes and tears and frustrations were just... a bad relationship.

so many years it felt like it was my destiny. i believed that B was the only one for me, that the planets had aligned when we first met. that this was it, he was going to be there forever bc he was meant to be with me. that everything in our lives had synchronised in such a perfect way and the possibility of us not being together was non existent. i believed that if we hadn't met that one night at a club in january of 2017, it would've happened either way. we would've met another time, at another club or at a park or in another country or a different year. but we would've found each other regardless bc we were meant to be together. and this belief kept me going. it kept me hoping that i just have to wait a little bit and it will all be perfect one day bc it was supposed to. but in the end, it was just a bad relationship. nothing more, nothing less. there was no magic or destiny or synchronicity. we were just in love and then it didn't work out. and that's it.

and then i thought about B's proposition of getting back together and actively working on trying to make it work, now that we both realised that our relationship was a bad one. and i actually believe that he's capable of change, despite what everyone says. (whether i want to get back together with him is a different question. and for now the answer is a definite no. but im just saying that in theory i know that he can put a lot of effort into things and change.) and i thought about some happy moments that we had together. not like extraordinary moments, but just little things that i enjoyed and wish we could've done more.

i remembered that one time when we were chilling in bed together and he went on instagram that he never used back in the day. and we looked at funny pictures of alpacas together and it made me laugh a lot. this moment lasted for maybe like 10 minutes. but if i ask myself the question "what does a perfect relationship look like" i think it's full of moments like this. just goofing around, laughing together, chilling and not thinking about anything else. and we barely had any moments like this with B, that's why that memory of us looking at alpacas on instagram stands out to me so much. i thought about how, if we do get back together, we'd make sure to have many moments like this. just cuddling in bed together and laughing. and then we'd kiss through the laughter and id feel his smile on my lips and we'd have sex and feel warm and in love. i thought about this scenario and started to touch myself. but then i remembered that ive had this fantasy scenario for years but... it never happened. this basic bare minimum scenario of cuddling with your boyfriend and smiling and having sex while being a happy and carefree couple never happened. it never happened.

it made me cry so much bc how many of what i believed were happy relationship moments were ever real? was our "insane sexual chemistry" that he'd always bring up ever real? throughout the five years of our relationship i had never ever initiated sex bc i felt so awkward about it. and so many times i just wanted it to end. i reread the stuff i posted on here throughout the years and it's just "im insecure in the bedroom", "my bf wants sex but i don't" over and over and over again.

so what does that mean? we had that one sweet moment while looking at alpacas on instagram, we went one that one cute walk in summer of 2021 that i really loved, we had a great trip to sarajevo in 2019, that at the moment was overshadowed by him trying to start a business... and that's it. that's literally it. that's the complete list of all fulfilling moments of our 5 year relationship. and yet i believed that it was written in the stars and that he was oh so perfect for me. like what was this all for? it's so astronomically absurd! all this frustration and suffering and all this never-ending hope, like what the hell was that? like it's astonishing how unhappy i was and yet it lasted for so long.

anyway, this whole thing is bothering me so much. nothing is clear, im very confused. and i just want it to be over.

#december

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

tumblr needs to collab with the reminders app cuz guess what happened. I FORGOT TO RESPOND TO YOU I'M SO SORRY

OH MY GOD???? BLUEGRASS???? DO YOU HAVE ANY VIDEOS HAHAAHHAAHAH

ok that's good to know. publishing fics on tumblr sounds suspiciously like me submitting my math exam LMFAO

YES I GET YOU BRIE OMG WAIT I FEEL SO SEEN 😭😭😭😭but like if cheol offered to take care of you ..... would you accept

and you are NOT regressing as a writer omg.. every day (and every time you write) you're improving fr!!! you get better through practice fr so don't even worry about it!! no wonder ur shakespeare smh it makes so much sense now

i would never divorce you dw <3

DID YOU SEE THE TIKTOKS ABOUT THE LIVE LALAI PERFORMANCE. OH MY GOD.

right??? like how do you tell someone that you read fiction...about. musicians..... like i swear i'm not a 2017 bts oppar fanfic reader

sorry for being so boring in this wtf i'm burned tf out from school and it's gonna take like a month of break for me to be back to myself

-🫨 anon

YOURE SO FUNNY THATS OKAY I GET IT!! I started using this app me+ to remind me to do things- ITS KINDA WORKING. But i have to try and guess what times i’ll be doing certain things so if I’m not at home when my 10:30- respond to tumblr reminder goes off 🤠

I DONT BUT GOD I WISH I DID. I’LL LOOK INTO IT MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING UP ON YOUTUBE AHAHA IT WAS LIKE 10 YEARS AGO OR SOMETHING CRAZY

You know. I think it might be a lot like me taking a math exam as well.

SHUT UP IM GONNA SCREAM NOW I FEEL SEEN- yes 🧎🏾‍♀️ anything for cheol. BUT I THINK HE WOULD LET ME TAKE CARE OF HIM MORE SO- well sometimes. Oh god i’m getting hot just thinking about it.

IM NOT SHAKESPEARE…. THANK YOU 😭 did i mention the ai bots. That’s why i’m regressing. I wrote cock so much in the last fic i had to reword a bunch of stuff why did i write cock so much

Thank god because i need you right now more than ever. TILL DEATH DO US PART LOSER AHAHA /lh

NO AND DONT MANIFEST THAT FOR ME I WONT LIVE IF I SEE LALAI CHEOL ANY MORE

YOU LITERALLY CANT YOU JUSY CANT

NO YOURE NOT BORING SORRY IM BARELY RESPONDING IM LITERALLY DANCING IN A DANCE CIRCLE AT A WEDDING WITH MY FAMILY

#TAKE YOUR TIME FEELING BETTER #b: 🫨 anon #WATCH LALAI A LOT

[memyselfandi123458]

MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY

John Lemuel C. Fernandez is my name. I am a boy who was born in Caloocan City on Tuesday. June 1 2004, as a eldest child. My father’s name is  Marvin Fernandez and my mother’s name is  Lolita Fernandez.

The short story, I started to study at school. I graduated from named Angel Presence School from 2016-2017. I transferred at manila central university on the school year of 2017-2018 and I’m about to finish my last year of high school here as well.

My hobby is shopping, playing online and video games ,watching movies, reading books, listening to music, and going to gym (lifting) and travelling.  Besides that, I love to travelling very much because I can explore more in another places. I’ll get new experience and idea about the places. And also having unforgettable story. I love playing games also because it makes me feel like im outside the world with no problems and having a peace of mind. I always forget my problems everytime I play video games and I’m having new friends too and having a friend who can listen to all my problems.

I want to have a peaceful life and I have a big dream in this young age. I want to become a body builder and powerlifter and I want to become famous in fitness community. I want to have a body that looks better than Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Bumstead.  I want to become rich too and im planning on having a small business  that can become big in the future.

I’m always trying to be better everyday. I always  trying  to reach my dream and having big achievements but, my own thoughts destroying myself because I overthink a lot about my future and One of my weaknesses is my own thoughts. It makes me weak because I’m not sure if I’m gonna have a good or bad future. I am shy and I am weak. But not always because it depends on my mood.

I also forgot to mention that I have a girlfriend. Her name is Keisha. She’s always there for me, she helps me a lot about my stuff and She’s always been my inspiration, She makes me feel that Im strong, I can do a lot of things that I know I can’t do. She always  helps me if I have problems. I love her so much and I cant express my feelings here but I just want to say that she’s a part of my life so I mentioned her here.

They are my inspiration in everything. They are the ones who always say that I can achieve my dream, I can overcome it and they are the ones who always believe that I can. They’re the reason why I have a big dream and I want to reach it. They are also the reason why I can reach and they are the ones who always help me to have a positive thinking. I can do it because they believe I can.

[cocogukkie]

2020 in review: kdramas (the heart fluttering, the disappointing, the saviors of 2020)

it’s december 31st! the new year is quite literally upon us (some of y’all are already in 2021) and my procrastinating self has chosen to upload this today. i’ve always loved these rec lists and I wanted to do one for 2020! this year was a rollercoaster for kdramas with some excellent ones and some not so excellent ones. i watched all of these in 2020 but not all of them were released in 2020.

if you want to use my questions to make your own list please do!! or give your favs in the tags, i’d love to read them. (fair warning, some of these have multiple answers bc i just can’t choose one!!)

drama that made me laugh

When The Camellia Blooms (2019)

i finally got around to watching when the camellia blooms this year and it. was. so. funny. oh my goodness, the comedic timing in so many scenes was pure excellency and im kinda mad at myself that i didn’t watch this last year. this isn’t just a comedy for those who are interested, its a thriller/romance but its also so fucking funny. definitely watch this if you want to laugh (and be touched bc the emotional scenes in this one are beautiful)

drama that made me cry

Sweet Home (2020)

hahah….. um this one is gonna go to sweet home friends. i went into this one with zero expectations and the first couple episodes didn’t really wow me? but i kept watching and holy shit fam. this show really picks up story-wise around ep 4 and makes the viewer love a lot of these initially unlikable characters. all i can say is that the end was devastating for me and i cried quite a bit. (warning, there are a lot of mature themes in this one so make sure you look for trigger warnings or send me an ask and i’ll list them all out for you) 

best OST

Itaewon Class (2020) 

i loved the ost for itaewon class!! the music is just so inspirational and pump up music, its so good. my favorites are ‘you make me back’ by woosung and ‘start’ by gaho.

drama with chemistry royalty (aka the best couple) 

i have three for this one because i just cannot choose one. 

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

we recognize this one as one of the best things to come out of 2020. go moon young and moon kang tae have some of the best chemistry i have ever seen in a drama couple. i waited on the edge of my seat every single week for the next couple of episode just so i could fawn over these two. they work so well together, lift each other up, and so fucking funny together and support one another. while they’re not the chillest couple (lmao) they’re most certainly one with the most personality. they’re so cute and bicker and they just get each other. who could ask for more.

Flower of Evil (2020)

our badass mom and dad 😭😭. this was another peak drama that came out this year and our married partners-in-crime-but-not-really had amazing chemistry. baek hee sung and cha ji won were so cute as a married couple but they were even more precious later on in the drama after certain things unfolded (no spoilers). they both just get each other and protected one another as well as on the most precious kdrama children this year, their daughter eunha. they were so wholesome, flower of evil is so very worth a watch.

Into The Ring (2020)

this was one of the more underappreciated kdramas of the year but hoo buddy was the main couples chemistry top notch. they were so friggin cute and i just couldn’t. goo se ra is highkey one of the best female characters i’ve ever seen, she’s absolute chaos, lawful chaos, but chaos nonetheless. her other half, seo gong myung is opposite from her as lawful neutral. he’s just along for the ride that is se ra and loves her. they’re both so very fond and protective of each other and back each other up!! very very cute and you’ll definitely replay more than a couple of their scenes together.

most disappointing

Record of Youth (2020)

it’s sad but true… i went into this one with so much hope and excitement (i was riding off that ‘psycho but its okay’ high) and i was vastly disappointed. the plot mostly focused on the male lead, and there wasn’t much characterization for the female lead which i didn’t like. honestly, i only cared about maybe 3-4? characters in the whole drama. the rest were absolutely terrible or plain boring and i ended up skipping eps 14 and 15 and just watched the finale. i would not recommend tbh.

drama you can’t really get through

Crash Landing on You (2019)

this one is absolutely on me, i want so badly to love this one. but i just… can’t seem to get past ep 2? i’ve tried!! i swear, but i just cannot get through it. maybe in 2021, i can try again and i’ll enjoy it more.

drama everyone else liked but was meh

Kairos (2020)

i though kairos was a bit predictable tbh. i know those of us who did end up watching it really liked it but maybe its because i watch so many crime/mystery shows that this one didn’t really do it for me. the writing is quite solid and everything connects well, i would recommend that those who don’t really watch thrillers, to watch this one. (also the friendship between the female lead and her two friends is suuuper cute and worth it alone to watch kairos)

favorite romance

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

yeah… this one wins again lol. what can i say, i just loved it so much and the main theme of the show is romance (its also a comedy and a mental health/healing drama) all i can say is watch this if you haven’t yet, its definitely worth it!! 

favorite mystery

Memorist (2020)  & Watcher (2019)

i really enjoyed these two mystery dramas. both were super fun to watch and very kinda unique in their own ways. i liked memorist because it was lowkey funny and i liked the relationships between the characters, but most importantly i couldn’t guess the main antagonist by the end! i really thought i knew who it was and then i was completely wrong lmao. watcher was also very good, the main trio had really good chemistry and i really cared about all the characters. (also i’ll never say no to watching seo kang joon) plus the plot twists threw me a bit at the end which is always a feeling i welcome, i love being surprised and wrong (as long as it makes sense)

favorite slice of life

Hospital Playlist (2020)

oh my goodness, i was late to the hospital playlist party and i regret it because this show is so. so. good. its just a slice of life following 5 friends who are doctors and work at the same hospital together but its so much more than that. this is honestly one of the first shows i’ve seen that are optimistic? in the show, every time i thought a plot was going to play out a certain way (usually negatively, as tends to be life unfortunately) it surprised me by taking the more optimistic wholesome route. characters in subplots changed for the better, became more understanding, chose to do the right thing, etc. if you want a feel good drama where the main characters have wonderful platonic chemistry and just care about each other but is also super funny, watch hospital playlist!! (season 2 is coming out early 2021 and im so pumped)

favorite fantasy

The Untamed (2019)

this one is a cdrama but i watched it in 2020, mostly because of how many people on the internet were adamant that the rest of us watch this and ngl they were v right. the untamed was very very good and im really glad i gave it a chance and watched it, its also my first cdrama ever. the chemistry between the male leads is honestly what makes this show and its worth the 50? i think? episodes. to be completely honest the fanfiction for the show are peak and if you do watch this, go straight to ao3 and you will not be disappointed.

dramas that saved 2020

The Uncanny Counter (2020) & Run On (2020)

these two dramas are among those that started airing at the end of the year and will go into the beginning of 2021 and absolutely saved the end of 2020 for me. while neither of these are finished, both have been excellent so far and worth starting. uncanny counter has the best use of the found family trope i have ever seen. i fucking love the four counters and their relationship with each other, how protective they are of one another. they all have amazing chemistry and the actors have amazing chemistry in the making films.

run on has one of the cutest couples that will definitely make my best chemistry list for next year. i didn’t put them on this list bc they actually haven’t gotten together yet but once they do, they’re gonna be freaking adorable, i can already tell. there’s no specific grand events propelling the plot forward, but just following the lives of these unique, interesting and relatable people who have casual yet entertaining conversations with each other. the show is super soft and the main couple are so straightforward and honest (plus theres mutual pining!!)

best dramas of the year

here are my best dramas (and one movie) watched this year, no further explanation given lolol. just watch them and enjoy because these are fucking excellent in the feels department. trust me 💞

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay (2020)

Flower of Evil (2020)

Itaewon Class (2020)

Hospital Playlist (2020)

One Spring Night (2019)

Midnight Runners (2017)

Hot Stove League (2019) 

I hope this gives you some fun stuff to watch!! or convince you to start that drama in your watchlists! 

#kdrama #kdrama 2020 #kdrama recs #kdrama recommendations #when the camellia blooms #sweet home #itaewon class #Its okay to not be okay #psycho but it's okay #flower of evil #into the ring #memorials #the ballot #record of youth #kairos #memorist #watcher #hospital playlist #the untamed #the uncanny counter #jtbc run on #run on #one spring night #midnight runners #hot stove league #best of 2020 #ocn watcher #cocogukkie recommends

[crow-in-a-teapot]

tower of nero spoilers

i have just finished the tower of nero. and before i go searching for other people’s thoughts and art and more of the characters i love so much, i want to write down some of my own thoughts because i know as soon as i delve into that ‘ton spoilers’ hashtag there are going to be complaints and criticisms and so much that i don’t want to hear, or essays that’ll make me upset, or things that’ll change my perception on the book (because on this website people really love to hate the trials of apollo).

i want to start with: i loved it. it didn’t feel earth-shattering or huge and momentous like some of my favourite riordanverse books (house of hades, the blood of olympus, the last olympian and maybe some of the magnus chase books take those pedestals for me) but it was satisfying. and i think it was satisfying because it in no way felt like an ending. whether because eventually rick will write that will-and-nico-go-through-tartarus-and-save-bob novella, or because we (or at least i) will continue writing and imagining and creating for this world i don’t know. he didn’t wrap up the story in a perfect little bow like ‘nineteen years later’, he simply put it on pause. gave us a glimpse of where every character was at at the end.

the only thing that makes me so angry and upset is that i did manage to get some spoilers for moments that i know would have been so good to experience for the first time if i hadn’t been spoiled for them. the moment where rachel mentions penguins in a mansion near her house, nico getting mental health advice from mr d, the fact that will and nico were going to be in the book for so much of the story, but the big thing was literally spoiled for me two days ago, it was the reason i sat down to read it as fast as possible because i was terrified of getting more spoiled and not being able to experience the moments for myself, was that piper had a girlfriend. i know that reading that for the first time would have been so cool and surprising, and the fact that when it came up for a moment in the last couple pages all i felt was disappointment because it was spoiled for me and because it was now tinged with whatever that person was saying about her having a girlfriend.

but i still had some warm fuzzy moments, the two parts where apollo thinks he’s going to die but nico comes up behind him - so good. impeccable. 

Leader Guy spat. ‘Now, I kill you.’

He raised his sword... and froze. His face turned pale. His skin began to shrivel. His beard fell out whisker by whisker like dead pine needles. Finally, his skin crumbled away, along with his clothes and flesh, until Leader Guy was nothing but a bleached-white skeleton, holding a sword in his bony hands. 

Standing behind him, his hand on the skeleton’s shoulder, was Nico di Angelo.

and

Nero raised his hand, ready to give the kill command, when behind me a mighty BOOM! shook the chamber. Half our enemies were thrown off their feet. Cracks sprouted in the windowsand the marble columns. Ceiling tiles broke, raining dust like split bags of flour. 

I turned to see the impenetrable blast doors lying twisted and broken, a strangely emaciated red bull standing in the breach. Behind it stood Nico di Angelo.

gods. poetic brilliance. i can’t believe i’m still a nico di angelo stannie in the year 2021. in five years i have not changed (ever since the tv show announcement last summer i have managed to morph into myself from 2017)

from here i’m not sure where to go next i kind of want to go through everything, except it’ll be more difficult than my tyrant’s tomb reaction because i wasn’t reading on a kindle and thus can’t just do funny little reactions to screenshots of quotes, so i’ll just skim through the book page by page and see what i can comment on (i’m not planning on doing analysis today, no thank you, just enjoying the end of my childhood and trying to squeeze as much out of it as possible)

i have an emotional attachment to mr. snake from the very first chapter, and am very upset that he’ll never get off on his baltimore stop and get to see his wife, lu had no reason to shoot and kill him like that.

that brings me to lu, i liked her, it was interesting to see how rick kind of brought in not only the overarching theme of abuse, but also people who let the abuse happen, i have more i could say on this i’m too lazy to right now, and i promised no analysis - or the fact that Lu had conspired to make the show non-lethal to spare Meg’s feelings rather than - oh, I don’t know - refusing to do Nero’s dirty work in the first place and getting Meg out of that house of horrors. 

And are you any better? taunted a small voice in my brain. How many times have you stood up to Zeus?

Okay, small voice. Fair point. Tyrants are not easy to opppose or walk away from, especially when you depend on them for everything.

the parallels to meg and lester heading to percy’s apartment, and then to camp half blood to the hidden oracle was so cool to read, every callback to the hidden oracle just there to remind us readers exactly how far apollo has come and how he’s changed; the entire chapter with sally, paul and estelle just felt sickly sweet, it just didn’t seem real how wholesome and good that family is, like i get why apollo broke down and just sobbed in that shower.

also rick really saying acab again in toa, i thought he was done after that elf cop chapter in magnus chase (the magnus chase series is a masterpiece) but apparently not, with A ‘good cop’ is still a cop... still a part of the mind game.

the grey sisters, i forgot about them completely but this threw me back into was it the sea of monsters when annabeth summoned them? i’m not sure, it could have been the lightning thief either, they really remind me of the disney hercules movie. the whole ganymede paragraph was gold, i love gods being canonically confirmed lgbt in the riordanverse. i also love the whole eye-tossing part - 

‘He will crush our eye,’ Anger cried, ‘if we don’t recite our verses!’

‘I will not!’

‘We will all die!’ Wasp said. ‘He is crazy!’

‘I AM NOT!’

‘Fine, you win!’ Tempest howled.

also, the explanation for why dionysus chooses to look the way he does was perfect, because it was something i often wondered about and wasn’t expecting to get an explanation for, and i imagine the whole mythological dionysus to look like.. well like a more feminine apollo i guess, beautiful in a gender non-comforming way.

Other Olympians could never comprehend why Dionysus chose this form when he could look like anything he wanted. In ancient times, he’d been famous for his youthful beauty that defied gender.

... 

In retaliation, Dionysus had decided to look and act as ungodly as possible. He was like a child refusing to tuck in his shirt, comb his hair or brush his teeth, just to show his parents how little he cared.

every scene with nico at camp just BREAKS ME, i would throw in screenshots of every damn quote but unfortunately, as said above, cannot and would rather not type every one; we’ll start with, obviously apollo confirming to him that jason is dead. 

He didn’t look angry exactly. He looked as if he’d been hit in the gut not just once but so many times over the course of so many years that he was beginning to lose perspective on what it meant to be in pain. He swayed on his feet. He blinked. Then he flinched, jerking his hands away from Meg’s as if he’d just remembered his own touch was poison.

ugh then will talking about how nico’s doing, confirming that he’s suffering with ptsd, mr d giving him advice, helping him sort though what voices in his head are real and which ones aren’t, then the paragraph that just recounts every horrific thing poor nico has been through, how will has to reassure him that he’s okay and ‘with friends’ when he wakes up after shadow travel

will’s kindness to apollo, buying him clothes, and apollo finding seymour the leopard’s head in his bed, put there by mr d aaaa AAAA A A A A A THE ORDINARY, EVERYDAY CAMP HALF BLOOD THINGS..

i could go on for years and years about how much i appreciate rachel having a big role in this book, and the visit to her apartment, everything, her art, the fact that she got what she wanted, she’s going to PARIS to study ART, she isn’t forced to be someone she’s not by her dad, and gets to be a big part of a demigod mission and not stand on the sidelines for once.

i love that her landscapes are still visions, that she still paints the quests demigods go on - the burning maze, jason’s funeral pyre, caligula’s ships; and how nico ~appreciates art~

‘And, hey, di Angelo -’ she pushed him playfully away from the canvas he’d been ogling - ‘don’t brush against the art! I don’t care about the paintings, but if you get any colour on you, you’ll ruin that whole black-and-white aesthetic you’ve got going.’

i. love. rachel.

WILL GLOWS!! THE HEADCANONS FROM LIKE FIVE YEARS AGO THAT YOU’D SEE FLOATING AROUND ABOUT HIM MANIPULATING LIGHT!! CONFIRMED!! CANON!! AMAZING

I AM  OBSESSED WITH THE TROGS, I LOVE THEM, THEY ARE GREAT, not gonna lie, i was expecting something more dramatic and spooky with how worried will was and how dionysus was going.. visiting the cavern-runners isn’t ♫ good for your mental health  ♫ but the little hat frog gremlins were a good addition. i like them very much and their funky little soup shenanigans. quoting the ghost king himself: trogs good. nice hats. (IM SORRY I KEEP MENTIONING HIM BUT I JUST) also how apollo starts wishing for breadsticks a s ajoke and theY STRAIGHT UP HAVE BREADSTICKS? HUH? WHERE DID THEY GET THE BREADSTICKS FROM??

yeah, i’m also still very much upset by every mention of jason grace, it’s funny how ever since his death in the burning maze i have grown to love him more and more and that’s not fun for me, for that boy to become one of my main comfort character’s and have his death and sacrifice and nobility mentioned every few chapters. i’m pretty sure i cried when he appeared to talk in apollo’s dreams, and this time the tears weren’t from the effort of keeping my eyes open and working for hours straight reading this book (i remember staying up until 2am to finish the sequel to beautiful, broken things, it was very much worth it)

‘All right, Jason. We miss you, though.’

ALSO. THE FACT THAT THIS KID. THIS CHILD. HAD TO THINK ‘BUT IF A HERO ISN’T READY TO LOSE EVERYTHING FOR A GREATER CAUSE, IS THAT PERSON REALLY A HERO?’ A KID ISN’T SUPPOSED TO THINK ABOUT THAT AND BE READY TO SACRIFICE THEMSELVES FOR THE GREATER GOOD,, i,, ugh,, he’s supposed to be finishing school and designing temples not being the perfect hero and soldier,, spain without the s,,

as @couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name said: ‘thinking about how ghost! Jason didn’t seem to understand why Apollo was so upset about his death because he’s been raised to believe a hero’s sacrifice is noble and his life doesn’t matter in the grand scheme and also if he doesn’t understand why the person who watched him get horrifically killed is so torn up over his death he probably doesn’t even realize his other friends are grieving him..’

IM SO UPSET THE ARROW OF DODONA IS DEAD D: IT WAS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE CHARACTERS ALL THE FUNNIEST MOMENTS WERE BECAUSE OF THAT ARROW AND IT'S DEATH WAS SO SAD WTH LIKE WE FIND OUT HOW USELESS THE ARROW FELT AND HOW THE GROVE OF DODONA ALL THOUGHT IT WOULD BE CRAP AND WOULD FAIL APOLLO AND THEN ONCE WE FEEL BAD FOR IT, IT DIES??

the entire python battle was pretty grim, there is a part of me that's like because this is the last book series i would have loved say the magnus chase and kane chronicles gang in a giant battle with everyone like the battle of manhattan but even more dramatic, but even so, i did appreciate that python battle and the whole almost-falling-into-the-depths-of-tartarus thing.

him talking to artemis was cool, but JESUS: 'I turned and strode out of my room, trying to recall how the god Apollo walked.' like that HURTS. it was such a huge culture shock for apollo to go throught this huge character arc and be so human and understand the pain of others, to be around gods again who are so.. apathetic. also, zeus. 'Interesting how he put that: I had done him proud. I had been useful in making him look good. My heart did not melt. I did not feel that this was a warm-and-fuzzy reconciliation with my father. Let's be honest: some fathers don't deserve that. Some aren't capable of it.'

OKAY OKAY SO THE END?? CHIRON TALKING TO A CAT (BAST) AND A SEVERED HEAD (MIMIR) ABOUT SHARED PROBLEMS WITHIN THE PANTHEONS!! WILL AND NICO RECEIVING A PROPHECY FROM RACHEL TO GO TO TARTARUS AND SAVE BOB!! THE HUNTERS OF ARTEMIS, INCLUDING THALIA AND REYNA BEING BEST FRIENDS (qpr.. qpr..) HUNTING THE TEUMESSIAN FOX!! PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, THE ORIGINAL TRIO, GOING ON A CHAOTIC ROAD TRIP TOGETHER!! - SO MANY STAND-ALONE SET -UPS PFSJSJSJ

okay quick word on the reunions at the end: funny little elephant visitation program with livia and hannibal. love that for them. calypso and leo's relationship seems rocky and complicated, but that's to be expected, i think even if they do get properly back together again it might not last long, because it does pretty much feel like a teenage relationship where the two aren't very compatible, but we'll see. hazel and frank are so funny with their gold plated necklaces. lavinia - tap-dance icon. almost cried at the mention of jason's temple-extension plan again. percy not being sure about what he wants to do in college is accurate and i like that that's left to be up-for-interpretation (rick does THE MOST for the fanfic writers pfsjsj). i am OBSESSED with aeithales, like i hate deserts so the burning maze setting is not my favourite but GOD that HOUSE, the vibes are off-the-charts. i'd love a house made of living trees that's also a greenhouse filled with dryads. meg gets a unicorn. that is so great.

i kind of wish the book hadn't ended with 'Call on me. I will be there for you.' because every time I imagine the friends theme song and i don't think that's the vibe he was going for, BUT i do love him talking to meg, that was genuinely emotional - 'You'll come back?' she asked. 'Always,' I promised. 'The sun always comes back.' ; i really wish it had ended with that, but i guess apollo does tend to break fourth walls and talk to the readers, like a lot of the protagonists of riordanverse books.

#the tower of nero #tower of nero #tower of nero spoilers #the tower of nero spoilers #nico di angelo #rachel elizabeth dare #will solace #jason grace #apollo #trials of apollo #the hidden oracle #the dark prophecy #the burning maze #the tyrants tomb #percy jackson #annabeth chase #grover underwood #lester papadopoulos #meg mccaffrey #dionysus #piper mclean #hazel levesque #frank zhang #reyna arellano #thalia grace #leo valdez #calypso #brooklyn house #original content

[one-abuse-survivor]

ok, so. my parents are divorced since I (f21) was born. The story is that they had an abusive relationship, my dad had to move to another state for a job and my mom, pregnant with me at the time, made him choose between work or family. He chose work and came back with another woman. My parents never talked anymore and my dad pays me alimony since then and that's it. He had other children with that woman and all that. I felt like he abandoned me. I always had some resentment about that, so since I was very little I had almost no contact with him. From time to time I tried to give him chances. I tried to call him and hangout with him but he always said or did something that made me feel bad, unwanted and wrong for existing. In 2017 was the last time I tried. I visited him and we talked about everything that happened, I really went with an open mind, really tried to understand his side and we were trying to connect. In 2018 the elections happened in my country and I posted something against the person he wanted to vote bc the dude was racist and homophobic. My dad called me and said I should delete the post because "no kid of his would disrespect him like that" and i said i just didnt agree with this politician and his views and we can disagree and still be family but he literally told me over the phone "then i guess you're not my kid" and I understood that as in if im not racist and homophobic then he doesn't like me. So I said "i guess im not" and hung up. I blocked him. Changed numbers and everything. Fast forward to this year, he got covid and almost died. He called my mom saying that he's sorry for treating me like that, that he changed, he's a new person and he wants to connect with me again. But honestly I don't think I want to. We're opposites. I'm a queer nb atheist and he's a conservative pastor. How well do you think its gonna go? He doesn't agree with my existence and I'm not gonna change who I am and my views because of him. Am I wrong? Am i being too selfish or something? idk. I just think the stress that might come with actively being in each others lives is not worth it. I just think its better for both of us if we just move on. He never considered me his child and I never considered him my father and that's fine, whatever, let me live my life. y'know? - stardust anon 💫 (idk if this nickname is taken, sorry if it is)

The nickname isn't taken, don't worry :)

Nonnie, I really don't think you're in the wrong here. You already gave him several chances to be a part of your life. You already put yourself through all that emotional work and vulnerability, and reached the conclusion, after years of trying, that it is not worth it for you to be in each other's lives. What's more, during that time he proved to you he does not support your very identity, and showed he sees you disagreeing with his worldview regarding marginalised people's existence as an act of disrespect toward him.

So, no, you're not being selfish for not wanting to put yourself through all that again, or for not wanting to risk getting hurt by him again. You do not owe him a single chance just because he's your dad, let alone another chance after the way he talked to you. How much he has or hasn't changed doesn't affect that.

And, regarding that last bit about him claiming to have changed, I obviously can't know what his intentions are, or whether he's actually changed or not. But I can tell you it can be a red flag for abusive people to say similar things. It's not uncommon for abusers whom you've cut out to contact you again claiming to have changed and asking for another chance to be in your life and do better. And what can happen then, if the victim wants to believe the abuser has changed, is the victim may overlook other red flags coming from the abuser in the name of this "new chance" and get revictimised.

And even though, again, I don't know if he's actually changed or not, I can tell you that people who were toxic or abusive and who truly changed will understand and acknowledge the fact that you do not owe them a second chance. And they won't contact you again with guilt-trips such as begging for a second chance, demanding it, or going on about how much they've changed now and how little their past actions matter. On the contrary: they'll make sure you know they don't expect you to forgive them, and won't push themselves into your life, insist, or pressure you in any way. They'll show you they know your boundaries and safety matter more than their need to have you back in their life.

But regardless of how he's going about this, you have every right to want to go on with your life the way it is and to not want him in it. Please don't let him—or anyone else—make you feel like you're selfish or a bad person for prioritising your well-being and establishing boundaries. In fact, please be very aware that if he makes you feel selfish in any way that is a red flag, and all the more reason for you to stay away from him.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#stardust anon #Ask #abusive relationship #absent father #absent parent #homophobia tw #Homophobic father #Racism mention #Christianity tw #Covid tw #Abuse tw #guilt tripping tw #abusive father

[spacedlexi]

i think if you have to specifically point out whats different about each face thats kind of part of the problem. i do think you have some facial variety but i think you can push it a lot more. im just letting you know what i see when i look at your art - i see people that are drawn with the same methodology with like, really mild and deliberate differences. i think you can squish and stretch more. i dont really know how else to explain it without providing other artists as an example...

im really not trying to be rude or upset you so im sorry if i did or if i could have said something better. :( i really do like your art and i have for a very long time. i just think facial variety is something thats fallen behind while everything else has just gotten better and better. one artist i feel who does facial variety well and has some comparable aspects in style to you is galoogamelady on tumblr.

and i really just want to reiterate that i really adore your art and this comes from a very genuine place. im really sorry if this caused you any stress. ive been following you since camp skaia and im not in a single one of the fandoms you draw for currently, i just love seeing your art.

ok since im afraid to tag l*ng post im just gonna re*d more and hope that phrase isnt gonna be banned soon 😑

ok im trying to be chill im just starting to get a little frustrated and im still trying to be nice here because like ive been saying i Know youre not trying to be mean and i appreciate the nice words and everything Truly i Do and even tho this has all been unrequested i appreciate you trying to provide helpful critique and its really nice youve stuck around this whole time again i Dont want to sound mean here im just trying to reiterate that as much as possible ok im not mad just frustrated and confused and trying to wrap my head around what youre saying

i just dont know how you can compare my art currently to my art from years ago and say facial variety has fallen behind? i mean im looking at stuff from 2017 (yuck) rn and ive come a long way in making characters more distinct. i made that chart Specifically so You could see the distinctions as easily as physically possible. because you keep comparing features that are structurally different and saying theyre the same. and im pointing at it going "but where tho?". and the way youre trying to describe it is just making me confused...

based off that other persons art i feel like youre saying to either make my style more cartoony or to just like, make characters faces shorter or longer. but the latter is something i Already do. in that chart i just made louis has a longer face than everyone else. again im trying to keep characters likenesses, and a lot of the ones i draw most frequently have kinda short faces...

but then youre saying i have facial variety but that i can "push it" more, which makes me think you think my art should be more cartoony. because pushing it means exaggerating it... but im trying not to exaggerate too much because i dont want to be too cartoony

im trying to find a nice balance of realistic and cartoony, with something like arcane being on the realistic end and spider verse being on the cartoony end. but nothing farther than that in either direction

im not trying to say my art is Perfect by any means and i'll be improving for the rest of my life. but i just.... dont know how you can say i have same face but then also say i have variety and deliberateness in the features i draw... i feel like you want me to exaggerate more but thats something im trying for the most part to reel in, especially when it comes to my style that leans more towards the realism end of the spectrum. but my characters still have unique features and are exaggerated where they need to be...

again, i'll be improving these methods over time so like i said in my last response youre just gonna have to give me time on it...

and Again its really nice that you like my art enough to stick around when im drawing for content that youre not invested in ok that makes you one of my favorite kind of followers. i Always always appreciate people who stick around because they like my art above all else its really cool and flattering 💕 so dont think im mad at you ok im really just trying to figure out what you mean and improve because like ive said i hate same face more than anything and do what i can to avoid it but also within the style im trying to perfect

#again im Used to critique ive been getting them in my classes for like 8 years or so #but i cant apply it when im confused by what you mean/dont agree with what youre pointing out #in response to these messages i keep getting Other messages telling me i Dont have same face syndrome 😵 #i personally dont think i do since i put so much effort into avoiding it but theres Always room for improvement obviously #and thats what im trying to do #improve #replies with lexi #incognito

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

#asks <3 #anon asks! #star anon #long post

[phangirlof]

Atelophobia (02)

Description: Atelophobia- the fear of not being good enough or imperfect. Don’t let your ego win.

Pairing: Sehun x Reader

Genre: College! AU, Angst

Word Count: 4.1k words

(A/N: I apologize for the wait, first part came out in like 2017, however the it will also be linked here) x

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

It was the only thing you’d been able to say or think. You’d fucked up. Big time. There was no way around it. That was the bottom line.

To Sehunnie: Sehun please answer my calls

To Sehunnie: Please babe

To Sehunnie: We need to talk

To Sehunnie: It’s not what it looked like, that was nothing. It meant nothing. Please baby, im begging you, answer my calls.

Forty-three minutes later and still no reply. You slammed your phone to the ground, acting on impulse and listening to the distinct noise it made as it shattered. Tiny shards of glass lay in your phone’s wake. Your phone was one of your most prized possessions, and you knew you’d regret doing it sometime within the next few days, but right now? You couldn’t find it in yourself to care. Sehun hadn’t talked to you since before the kiss with Baekhyun, which happened almost a month ago. You were going insane. You text and call him only to get no reply. You had gone to his house several times, but he was never there when you showed up, probably because he knew when you were free and knew what time he should leave to avoid you. Your last hope was always that you might see him in class, however he hadn’t graced you with his presence there either.

“Just give him time. He just needs to think everything out before he talks to you.” Your best friend had said last time you called her, and every time you called seeing as how it was always about the same thing; Sehun. It didn’t even occur to you to think of anything else to talk about. He had consumed your every thought. He was the only coherent thought your brain could muster up. You knew it was unhealthy to be this obsessed over the whole situation, but how could you bother concerning yourself with anything else. Nothing mattered, not until Sehun talked to you and you guys worked this stupid mess out. As you sat at home, avoiding homework, housework, and ultimately everything, all you could think about was your boyfriend, and the recent wedge in your relationship, Baekhyun.

Too many thoughts ran through your mind and none of them made sense, however they all lead back to one thing. Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun, had kissed you in front of your very insecure boyfriend causing him to quit talking to you, for how long you still have no clue, and not to mention he had been trying to talk to you throughout the course of the last few weeks. Of course you never let him get past a ‘hey babe’ before you were running off in the other direction. He was the root cause behind Sehun avoiding you. You weren’t going to talk to him just to make things worse. You had even talked to your teacher about not pairing you and Baekhyun up again, seeing as how that’s what started things in the first place.You finally left your broken phone lying on the kitchen floor, and went to your bedroom. The door slammed behind you, as it often did here recently. You took a seat on the edge of your rosy pink bedspread. Sehun had bought it for you last christmas. Call it cliche, but you loved anything pink, and he knew he couldn’t leave the store the moment his eyes landed on it.

Your eyes scoured over the dirty room before you. You had never been a neat person, but the current state of your room was worse than anytime before. Sehun would usually crack a joke about how one of you might accidentally get hurt if you didn’t clean up.

“One day I’m gonna fall right on my face just trying to get to your bed.” You remember him saying one day. “I’m telling you, I’m gonna break my nose, and probably your favorite lamp.”

Sehun would actually be disappointed with all the trash and dirty clothes piles lying around right now. “This is ridiculous Y/n.” You could hear him now, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care. The slam of the front door ripped you away from your thoughts. “Y/n, I’m home.” Your mom yelled from downstairs. You didn’t move an inch from where you laid, nor did you say respond.

“Will you help me with the groceries?” She called to you from the kitchen. Once again, you didn’t reply. Instead you slipped into a pair of shoes Sehun had bought you last year, and headed out to the car.

***

“Can we talk?” Your mom asked as she knocked on your bedroom door. She would’ve walked straight in had you not recently gotten in the habit of locking the door right behind you. Besides keeping yourself hidden away in your room, you also kept yourself buried within your bedsheets, wearing one of the many hoodies you stole from Sehun as well as a pair of his sweatpants that he left over at your place for when he spent the night. You inhaled a deep breath. You didn’t want to move a muscle, let alone get out of bed, but you knew your mother was worried about you. These days you barely spoke a word to her or your sister. Not to mention the only times you ate was when she forced you to come out of your room. Really and truly the only time you did anything was when she forced you to.

You shoved the blankets covering you to the side and got up to unlock the door. Your mother entered promptly, not that you had noticed because as soon as you turned the lock, you climbed back into bed. “I know it's been hard the way you and Sehun split, but this might be for the best.” You were shocked at your mother's words. “For the best? We’ve been together for almost seven years now, and you say it's for the best?”

“Just hear me out-,” Your mother began, but you stopped her. “No, this whole mess is just some stupid misunderstanding, but he won’t give me the time of day long enough to hear me out. But you think it’s for the best?” You shouted. You didn’t mean to, but you started getting worked up.

“Don’t raise your voice at me Y/n. Sometimes even the best of things come to an end. We don’t always get a happy ending, and sweetheart that’s just life.” She hadn’t said much but you were fuming. That was far from anything you wanted to hear. “You know what? Fuck you Mom! How about you be there for me? How about care, or even just think about how I feel? But instead of being an actual parent or a shoulder to cry on, you just brush all my feelings to the side like they don’t matter.”

Your mom went to defend herself, but you continued before she had the chance to speak.

“And this isn’t the first time you’ve done this to me. Any fight Sehun and I had, you said it was my fault. You never even hear me out before you’re finding a way to blame it on me, regardless if it is or isn’t my fault. Anytime I ask for advice you give me some half-assed crap that doesn’t even make sense because you don’t care. And you never did.” You channeled all your anger into your hands, breaking whatever came in contact with your fists.

Nothing registered as your fists slammed against anything in reach. All you knew was the burning rage coming from deep within you. Everything, all your emotions and the bullshit laced words your mother spoke to you fueled the anger in your hands. You heard glass shattering beneath your palm, but you didn’t stop. You wanted everything broken. You couldn’t stand being the only thing around in need of repair.

Your mother wrapped her arms around you as tightly as she could, tearing you away from your violent outburst. You didn’t even realize it and you were still just swinging, reaching out for anything to break or shatter.

“Please stop, just stop!” You mother sobbed. Her voice finally broke your trance and you just went limp in her arms and started crying yourself. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel so invalidated or that I didn’t care. I love you, I swear I do. And I’ll be better.” Her words shattered your heart and you cried even harder. You never thought she’d apologize and especially not actually take your side for once.

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” She cried.

It took you a moment to form more than just sobs but eventually you managed out a weak, “I love you too” and you guys continued just like that, crying in each other’s arms until your sister burst in, eyes wide from the scene in front of her.

“Are you guys okay?” She asked, peeking in from behind the door.

Your mother loosened her grip on you and turned towards the door. “Yes, we’re fine. We just had a really important conversation and now things are okay dear.”

Your mother quickly wiped the tears on her cheeks away with her shirt sleeve. After she was done, she did the same thing to you with her other sleeve. You couldn’t help but smile at her words. Okay. Despite how broken you still felt from Sehun’s cold rejections, this did feel okay. You and your mother were seeing eye to eye for the first time in god knows how long. And for now that’s all you needed to keep pushing.

***

Two weeks later

“Sehun, you’re being ridiculous dude. Talk to her. There’s no reason that two months after that little kiss with Baekhyun, you still won’t talk to her.” Chanyeol said before shoveling a handful of fries into his mouth.

“It’s not that simple, you didn’t see what I saw. And I’ve told you that over and over again.” Sehun had been trying to shift his focus away from Y/n, but his loyal to a fault best friend was not helping. Whatsoever.

“I don’t care. We both heard Baekhyun talking about it with all his douchey friends. He set her up. He knew you were coming and he wanted to stir up drama. Besides, you’re hurting yourself for no reason and you’re hurting Y/n even more. You know that she would never ever do anything to hurt you, so by putting up this wall you’re only ruining your chances of fixing this mess. Go talk to her dude, seriously before you do something you might regret.”

Too late. “Listen, I’ll talk to her when I’m ready.” Sehun muttered, more than ready for this conversation to be over.

“And when is that gonna be? Next month? The month after that? Six months down the road?” Chanyeol gave Sehun his all knowing look that he was way too familiar with. They both knew Chanyeol was right, but Sehun would never admit that to his face. He always was, but Sehun was stubborn. Way too stubborn. He knew what the right thing to do was, but his feelings were hurt. So so so hurt. He had spent months trying to tell himself nothing was wrong and all these problems were just in his head. Then the moment he was ready to put his relentless thoughts to rest, Byun Baekhyun happened.

The image of who he thought was his soulmate and Baekhyun together, kissing, played in his head over and over and over again. No matter how hard he tried to erase it, the picture was forever burned in his memories. He would never be able to forgive Baekhyun for that. They had been friends at one point. Even though they’d grown apart these last few years Sehun had expected at least a little bit of respect from his former best friend. Someone he and his family had welcomed into their home many times.

“I get it, okay? I should talk to her. But Yeol, please let me do that on my own terms. I’m not ready for that conversation yet, and when I am I’ll talk to her. Please just change the subject.”

Chanyeol let out a defeated huff. “Alright, I’ll drop it.”

“Thank you.”

Chanyeol effortlessly switched the subject, not that Sehun was keeping up. He needed to talk to Y/n. There was no way around it anymore.

“So anyway, are we meeting up at the park or do you wanna get together before then?” Chayeol asked but not before slurping down most of his watered down soda.

“What, why?”

“Don’t tell me you forgot.” He said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. “We were gonna meet up for the movies in the park? The movie theater is having like a whole thing. You said you’d go with me.”

It had completely slipped his mind. “I’ve got homework dude. I can’t.”

“Homework? For the classes you’ve been skipping?”

Shit. “You got me. I’ll be there dude.”

“Thank you. Don’t ditch me last minute because I will come find you.”

“I won’t, i won’t.” Sehun muttered.

“Alright, now I’ve gotta go run some errands, but meet me at 7?” Chanyeol quickly gathered his things and rushed off, yelling a quick “See ya later,” over his shoulder to Sehun.

All Sehun could do was sigh. He still wasn’t ready to talk to Y/n, but he needed to. He should’ve already done it by now.

The past is the past, you can’t change it now.

***

Sehun regretted this. He regretted this so much. He should’ve tried alot harder to get out of these stupid plans with Chanyeol. Why did he ever agree to this? It was cold. So cold. Despite the many layers he had on, the wind managed to find a way to blow right through all of them. He kept rubbing his hands together hoping to get some kind of warmth back to them seeing as how the moment he stepped foot into the park, his fingers had gone numb.

“This was so so stupid,” was one of the only coherrent thoughts he could form as he walked to the spot Chanyeol had asked him to meet him at for the stupid movies in the park thing. The other was why the fuck would the movie theater play movies in the park? They literally have a building to do that at!

Sehun was just ready for this night to be over. He was cold and miserable, not to mention that as soon as he got to Chanyeol he would probably start up again, pestering him about when he was gonna talk to Y/n. And he got it. Chanyeol was just trying to be a good friend for both him and Y/n, but he just couldn’t get it through to his best friend that he did not want to talk about it anymore. He’d go see her and talk about it on his own time, but for now he would just like peace.

After a couple more minutes of begrudgingly walking through the park, he ended up at the statue Chan had texted him about, however there was no sign of him anywhere. Sehun pulled out his phone. The time read 7:08 pm. There’s no reason he should be late, these were literally his plans.

He wrote him a “im here where are you?” text and hit sent. Chanyeol answered immediately.

“Went with jongin, however there’s a surprise coming”

Angry was an understatement. He didn’t even want to be here and now Chanyeol had flaked on him.

“Im gonna kill you, whats the surprise”

Before Sehun could look up from his phone he heard a weak “Sehun?”

“Y/n?” Sehun’s eyes went wide with shock and his mouth followed suit. “What are you doing here?”

“Chan texted me and asked me to meet him here, I’m guessing it was a setup.” She said.

“Yeah.” Sehun choked out. He hadn’t seen Y/n  in so long and that was no one’s fault except his own, but he forgot just how breathtaking she was.

“Are you gonna say something or should I just leave.” She said, crossing her arms at an attempt to block out some of the wind blowing through her thin sweater.

“Here, take my jacket before you freeze.” Sehun said, stripping out of his top layer without so much as a second thought and offering it to her. Y/n debated for a moment on whether she should or not, despite this being their first contact in months she was absolutely freezing.

“Please?” He said, seeing the self conflict cross her features. “I know that I should’ve came to you alot sooner, but please just take my jacket and we can go sit in my car and talk.”

Y/n hesitantly took the jacket, but finally shook her head and agreement. “Alright.” Was all she said as she waited for him to lead the way. Sehun had completely forgotten about his earlier grievances. He had no idea what he was gonna say to Y/n now that she was right here in front of him. And he can’t just back down now, he’d already agreed to talk to her.

He silently led them back to his car, despite the fact that he had all these questions and things running rampant in his mind. He swore he could hear his heart beating and at the rate it was going now, he felt like it was gonna beat right out of his chest. Nervous was an understatement right now. He had no idea how this was going to go.

He knew she was upset, understandably so. He’d been completely ignoring her for months now. He also knew just how much this had probably been weighing on her especially because he’d been feeling the same way.

He took his keys out and unlocked the car, immediately jumping in and turning the heat on. Y/n was in the passenger seat, reaching for the blankets she knew Sehun kept in the backseat. She grabbed one for herself and handed Sehun the other one.

“Thank you.” He said, practically whispering. It was the first thing either of them had said in a while. His hands shook as he accepted the blanket from her. Half of it from the numbness that had settled into his fingers and the other half from just how nervous he was to be with Y/n right now in this moment.

“If you’re not ready to talk about this, I’ll just go home.” Y/n said. She wasn’t looking at Sehun, her gaze was focused somewhere else completely. “No, no, no. I do. I just don’t know where to start.” He answered honestly.

“Alright, well I’ll go first then. You know that I would never ever do anything to hurt you right?”

Sehun didn’t answer, his pride wouldn’t let him.

“Well, I wouldn’t okay. That day I was working on homework with Baekhyun. You texted and said you were almost there and then as soon as we were done he packed up his stuff and started to leave. And right as I went to close the door he called my name and then kissed me. I had no idea he was gonna do that. I didn’t want to kiss him. I never wanted to kiss him. I’ve never felt anything for him and I never will.”

Sehun shook his head. “It looked like so much more than that. It looked like that wasn’t the first time you guys had kissed. Hell for all I know you guys could’ve been sneaking around for months.”

Y/n scoffed. “Do you hear yourself right now? Why would I sneak around with Baekhyun or anyone else for heaven’s sake? I love you and I always have. I don’t need anyone else.”

“I know.”

“Listen, I know that you’d been having doubts about us and I know that it was pushing you away from me, but I swear I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”

“I never wanted to hurt you either.”

“I know babe, but it’s okay,”

“No, listen to me.” He interrupted you, but you let him. He was finally talking to you, but you were ready to listen. “Chanyeol and I overheard Baekhyun and his friends talking about what happened and how he wanted to talk to you but he wanted to break us up first. But I didn’t know that before I...” He stopped. He dreaded the words that were about to leave his lips, but he had to tell you the truth.

“When I left your house that day I ended up at Yoonha’s house and.. I was talking to her about everything and told her about Baekhyun. I… one thing led to another and I-i, we slept together.”

“You cheated on me?” The sheer hurt was very apparent on Y/n’s face. “Are you actually kidding me?”

“No I’m not and you know what I deserved it. You knew exactly how Baekhyun felt about you. He was constantly flirting with you and eye fucking you every chance he got, and you never stopped him or tried to say anything to him. You know what I’ve felt ever since that day? I’ve felt numb. Nothing else registers. Nothing registers. Nothing makes me happy, or angry, or sad, or anything else besides numb. Yoonha made me feels things that I hadn’t felt in years. She made me realize that I was right about how I was never good enough for you. I tried my hardest for six years only to find out it had all been a waste of time because you were just gonna throw yourself at the first guy that gave you a chance.

“So when I saw her that day I finally felt something and I went for it. Being with her made me feel alive. Since that day I’ve felt like I was being dragged under and there was nothing that I could do to bring myself back to the surface. She was my lifeboat, my saving grace. Every second I spent with her made me feel like I was on cloud nine and I couldn’t get enough. I slept with her. And I don’t regret it because whereas with you throughout our entire relationship I felt like I was a different person, she made me feel like myself.”

“I did everything I could to make you feel like you were good enough, because truth be told I always thought you were too good for me, but I see I stand corrected. You didn’t deserve me.”

“Woah woah woah. I didn’t deserve you?”

“Yes! I did nothing wrong, and if you had even given me the chance to explain myself from the fuck up your stupid little friend did, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”

“Hey, he is not my friend.” Sehun interrupted.

“Is that really important right now? You cheated on me. That was your decision, before even considering to hear me out. You were so quick to throw us away. You are the only person who’s had my heart and it’s been that way for years, but you were so so quick to throw everything out the window for what? Revenge? To get back at me for something that I didn’t do?”

“I don’t even wanna hear it.”

Y/n laughed. “You don’t wanna hear it. That’s hilarious. You were alot of things Sehun, but you were never stupid. Do not blame your insecurities on me, because I never did anything wrong. I supported you. I helped you. I did anything you wanted or even needed me to do. I did so much for you out of nothing more than love. ‘Throw myself at the first guy that gave me the chance’ You are really unbelievable. I tried to understand your feelings and help you through all of them, but if you really talked to yourself into believing that I never loved you or that I didn’t think you were good enough for me, then I don’t think you ever really knew me at all. And that’s just sad.”

Y/n threw the blanket off and flung the door open, climbing out of the passenger seat as fast as she could, but before she closed the door she laughed one more time. “Six years… down the drain. I hope Yoonha makes you happy.” And with that, she slammed the car door. 

masterlist

#exo #exo sehun #oh sehun #sehun and baekhyun #Sehun angst #chanyeol #park chanyeol #byun baekhyun #baekhyun #jongin #kim jongin #junmyeon #Kim Junmyeon #jongdae #kim jongdae #yixing #Zhang yixing #Kyungsoo #do kyungsoo #minseok #kim minseok #sehun fanfic #exo x reader #Sehun x reader #oh Sehun angst #x reader #Kpop x reader #kpop fanfic #atelophobia #phangirlof

[disaster-bay-leaf]

Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

[iridescentides]

rules: to show appreciation of gifmakers and how much they grow and what they do, post one of your first gifs and one of your most recent gifs, then tag some gifmakers to see how much they’ve grown and improved.

i was tagged by @smilecapsules! thank you so much sarah!

okay i couldnt decide on just two gifs to post, so this is really just gonna be a giant journey through all my gifmaking progress up to this point. for your sake, i have hid it under the read more.

if you want the tl;dr version, it can basically be summed up in that i went from this:

to this:

in just one year!

here is one of the first gifs i ever made:

back in 2016-2017 i used an app called gif toaster on my ipad to make super simple basic gifs from videos that i downloaded from youtube, with another ipad app that is not available anymore. this gif is important bc girl meets world (and specifically rilaya) is what made me want to gif in the first place! i was so inspired by all the beautiful, deep, creative edits made by the gmw fandom and wanted to make cool stuff of my own. i definitely had a phase where i edited the lyrics to girls like girls onto every wlw pairing i ever shipped.

next theres this one:

which is a sample from probably the worst gifset i have ever created. i dont delete anything ever, so if you go far enough back in my tag, its still there. i used to edit gifs frame by frame, with like 4 different apps/websites. that clover? i painstakingly added it in the same spot over and over to each individual frame!

and here’s the last pre-photoshop example i will include:

when i learned how to use overlays on lunapic and had a very prolific text post meme phase, which i mostly put to work on my andi mack sideblog. despite the absolutely awful quality, this gifset has more notes than most of the sets ive posted. descendants 2 was so fun to post about.

i pretty much took a year off from tumblr in 2018, stopped creating stuff for the most part, became disconnected from lots of my old online friends. BUT THEN a bitch came back better than ever and finally took the steps to start learning photoshop in the summer of 2019! here are some samples of things i made when i had just barely learned to use photoshop:

i started off with a gifset of my favorite band, bc ultimately my motiviation for making gifs always has and always will be to preserve the things i love the most. a few things to note here: i think i pretty much only added a brightness layer to this (bc i didnt know how to color yet), i hadnt heard of optimal dimensions so i didnt bother resizing this, and the image is vertically squished, which i didnt know how to fix at the time. i remember that it was a huge accomplishment for me to learn how to add text.

next we have this one:

where i started learning how to use brushes. i was very focused on the umbrella academy when i first started using photoshop, and i was determined to teach myself to add pretty colors to things!

but THIS is where i changed the game:

THIS is where it really started, folks! i had seen enough coloring tutorials to learn how to use selective color layers. and the first thing i did with them was oversaturate my cyans into oblivion. this was the best gif in the set, and everyone’s skin was super yellow toned in all the others.

from there i became more adventurous:

this sally gif marks a point in time where i started getting comfortable with my position as a gifmaker. i started to develop my coloring own style. but funnily enough, at this point, i still didnt know how to sharpen yet! i was still editing in frames instead of timeline, and i couldnt figure out what the people in tutorials were talking about when they mentioned timeline stuff.

in december i posted a hairspray gifset that i would define as the moment i learned and started mastering the vibrant coloring that i still do to this day:

after this i arrived at what i consider to be my current style in terms of coloring and creativity.

[warning, coming next is a massive dump of recent (since march) gifs that im very proud of]

so there you have it! i went from struggling and being very hard on myself for not having edits that i thought were as good as other people’s, to really finding my style and voice as a gifmaker. im so proud of how far ive come and everything im able to make and do now! if you are someone who is just starting out as a gifmaker, my advice to you is to not worry if what youre making isnt perfect! it takes a lot of work and practice to get to the place you wanna be, but definitely enjoy the journey, read lots of tutorials, and always try to keep learning!

im tagging: @ewangmcgregor​ @dancingwithourshandstied​ @colewald​ @asterflor​ @zu-ko​ @queenrojpag​ @stanzier​ @vangoghs​ @crayonstoperfume​ @tmhnks​ @diegohargreves​ @timeslord​ @gabriellabolton​

#this was so fun! #tag game #ask game #question tag #gif progress

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH19

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 3,884

- Author Note: I apologize if some of the thing in BTS caretaker sound cringy, i wrote this in 2017 lool so the old me is so hmmm , hahaha as much i wanted to edit it again, Im afraid i am gonna change the whole thing :< so i leave it be ahhaa thank u for reading <333

Previous | Next

Chapter 19

“You alright Joon?” Yoongi eyed the younger guy before him that had a distress look ever since their filming ended few hours ago. Namjoon barely touched his dinner and did not speak as much as he usually did. The corner of his eyes caught Jimin acting odd around Namjoon as if that guy knew something that he did not.

A floor light from the living room light up the space with a pleasant illumination. It was enough for Yoongi to catch a blurry image of Namjoon’s expression whom start to darken. Raking his fingers in between his soft lavender hair, a low sigh could be heard from his direction “We ended our relationship” he exhaled the words with heavy heart.

Yoongi was speechless hearing such news, though he had a little idea of how deep Namjoon’s relationship with her back then. Yet, he knew how much this guy cherish her. She used to be his source of inspiration in his song writing. Things really went wrong between them, Yoongi could not deny this one fact that he never liked the girl.

“What happen..” his unclear voice was enough to reach Namjoon. Not that he wanted to be happy over the news, however he was kind of relieve that the things have ended for good between them. Ever since the first day Namjoon told him about his genuine feelings for her, he knew something was not right in the beginning. Son Hyemi, one of their stylists who have worked for almost two years with them. Despite her cold demeanour, she appeared to be daring whenever with Namjoon. She was first assigned as Yoongi and Jungkook stylist before they switched it with Namjoon few months later.

Yoongi did not want to condemn anyone but he felt uncomfortable with her around since start. Son Hyemi is in her early 30’s when she first started her job as their stylist. Indeed, when it came to her work she’s a dedicated woman and that’s undeniable. However, for some reason with her mere presence it created unexplainable tense knowing one of his bandmates had a thing for her. They had to pretend that they were okay with it. If it weren’t for Namjoon’s happiness, he would do something pertaining to that matter. His gut is never wrong.

Son Hyemi was a trouble. She brought nothing but pain to Namjoon. If and only he realized that sooner, he would not get hurt as much as he did now. All of them had spoken about this matter behind Namjoon and clearly none of them were brave enough to say it aloud, being bluntly honest to Namjoon would only push him away. They really cared for his feelings, hurting him was the last thing they wanted to happen.

He croaked “She..is married to someone else. It is over between us” Yoongi was alarmed by his response as he stood up straight, frowning in process.

“What..when this happen?”

“She got married a week ago..It has been happening for a month, all the lies that she told me. I was a fool…to trust her and wait for her to come back to me” Namjoon looked down sadly, clutching onto his hair bellowing his frustration.

“Joon-ah…She does not deserve you. I am sorry that you are in pain and for not trying hard enough to help you through this” he gave a soft squish on his shoulder with full of regret. It was no use to cry over spill milk, horrible things when we least expected.

Lifting his head up weakly, his eyes were brimming with tears “Hyung..Its hurt.. The pain is driving me insane” Yoongi’s heart clenched his pain to see his brother in this vulnerable state.

Without uttering any words, Yoongi pulled the younger guy into a tight embrace “I know..You loved her, it was normal to get hurt. It makes you more human” Namjoon on the other hand could not contain his tears anymore, he ended up shedding his tears for the second time today. With his members, he found it was rather hard to not show this side of him. They have become his pillars of strength.

Even for the unaffectionate Min Yoongi, when it involved one of the members, he would gladly reveal this soft side of him that he intended to show only to the people that he cared. Namjoon’s shoulder shook and his breath were shuddered as he sobbed uncontrollably letting all the misery contained inside him out. His voice had drawn others to the scene one by one, watching their leader broken in Yoongi’s arm.

They exchanged a meaningful look as they had gotten the clue about it while Jimin filled them in with the news few minutes ago. Yoongi gave all of them a soft nod assuring them everything will be fine and that Namjoon only needed a moment to gather himself together.

Namjoon took a deep breath before breaking the hug “Thank you hyung..That was ugly” he wiped his tears with the back of his hand and let out a bitter chuckle.

“Once in a while, you have to cry hard. Life is like that” he patted his back softly. “To be honest, I am glad that you finally see her true colours. We are sorry that we go behind your back and talk shit about her. However, we could not bring ourselves to tell you the truth. We only want what is best for you. If being with her makes you happy then, we are fine with it. We will learn to accept her” his lips were pressed into a thin line.

“Hyung..” Namjoon pondered upon Yoongi’s word hard. Why did he do to deserve these guys in his life? Despite the bad choices that he made, they had their back for him without complain.

Another voice came into the picture which startled Namjoon “Joon-ah..Kim Namjoon. Who needs girls if you have us? Our love is enough” said Jin, throwing his arm around Namjoon’s shoulder. Namjoon’s realized other members were already there smiling sadly at his way, he returned it with a genuine smile. They caught his overwhelmed reactions as he turned into a puddle of tears over the welcoming sight in front of him.

Taehyung lurched to his side attacking him with a big hug “Hyunggie, Hyemi nuna just showed you that you have bigger heart than she is. You will soon find your own happy ending, not with Hyemi nuna but with someone better than her” his jaw hung open into his signature smile.

“This time around we will make sure any girl that you like will pass through us first before they can date you!” Jin beamed.

Namjoon laughed at their silliness “Why is it a ‘they’? Are you turning me into a Casanova?” he raised his brows in amusement. Hoseok retorted “Well, just in case we don’t like the girl we will have backup don’t you think? Chill Kim Namjoon, life maybe short, let’s not think about future and live the present” he exchanged their usual fist bump causing the latter to chuckle softly.

“Thank you, for standing by my side even in my worst state, you will always be there. I am sorry that I cause unnecessary worries. I promise I will be better and get over this feeling that I have for her. It is stupid and too good to be truth” his voice was full of regret.

Jungkook and Jimin had a proud smile on their face, watching their precious hyung that was able to finally pull his usual smile on his face. They will never be tired dealing with all the craps happening in their group. It is the recipe of their strong brotherhood.

“Who is up for drinks” Hoseok waved a can of beer accompanied by his sunny smile. So, it was that time of the month again to have a deep shit kind of talk all night. As everyone took their seat on the stool near the counter, Jimin helped to pass one can of beer each to the members except Jungkook.

His lips curved upward into a protest “Hyung…why….” Jimin brows flinched together while shaking his head in disapproval.

“Not tonight gguk. You will get the banana milk” Jimin chided, gliding the small bottle in front of him.

 --------------

Tugging clueless Jimin to the corner, Namjoon cleared his throat forcing out the words to come out after his awkward encounter with Seul yesterday. It had been bothering him since then, but he chickened out the last minute when he’s about to inquire Jimin about it.

“Are you going to ask me whether Seul is doing fine?” Jimin boldness taken him aback a little. Namjoon nodded his head frantically, chewing his lower lips showing off his nervousness. “Well, she is a little shaken, but she is doing alright. Don’t worry. I don’t think she will tell anyone about what she heard” he chuckled.

“That was awkward. I was not in the right mind yesterday. I thought Seul was Hyemi nuna. THAT IS SO EMBARASSING CHIMMY!” he facepalmed not liking this thing one bit.

Jimin laughed heartily “I know hyung. Apologize to her when we have the chance to meet her later and talk it out with her” his eyes shrunk into an eye smile.

“Talk it out with who?”

Jimin and Namjoon turned to face the owner of the soft voice, as their head tilted in sync trying to decipher the image in front of them. To their surprise, Seul was standing there awkwardly with a baffled expression across her face.

“I am sorry I didn’t know you guys are still around… I mean it is already 10 in the morning?” Seul squeezed her eyes together. ‘Does it mean, others are here too. Min Yoongi? Jin?’ she mentally cursed.

A soft smile spread across his face “It is just us and Taehyung, others are out for grocery shopping. Did Manager hyung forget to inform ahjumma that we will be staying indoor today” Namjoon watched Seul under his sharp gaze making her a little uncomfortable.

“Ah.. My mom went for her treatment early in the morning, she must be forgotten to inform me” she coughed a little avoiding Namjoon’s gaze that apparently undressing her. Screw Kim Namjoon, he doesn’t need to be that attractive.

Jimin softened when she mentioned Mrs Hwang, before he could ask her further, Namjoon jumped into the conversation “How’s your mother Seul-ssi” he looked at her way timidly.

“She is alright, thanks to the treatment I think she will be able to make it until we find a donor” a sad smile could be seen on Seul’s pale face. Mrs Hwang condition made Namjoon sympathize the older woman even more.

“Was it severe? Her kidney?”

Nodding weakly, Seul clutched onto the hem of her shirt surpassing her tears from hitting the ground “Her kidney has stopped functioning, both of it. She is lucky to be able to live this long since her life is depending on the machine. The hospital is trying to find the perfect donor for my mother” Jimin exhaled a soft breath, pressing his lips together in process.

Namjoon sent an empathy look at her direction “How about your kidney? Doesn’t it match your mother? I am sorry I don’t want to offend anyone, just wondering” Seul chuckled bitterly and it died down as soon as a sigh of regret filled the awkwardness between them.

“My brother and I did not match her, I was frustrated over the fact that we shared the same blood, yet we could not do anything about it” her face revealed all the pain that she could not express in words. Jimin took few steps closer to Seul, embracing the girl briefly “Ahjumma will be alright. Trust me” Namjoon’s eyes widended upon witnessing the scene in front of him. Just when was Jimin became super touchy with her? That was odd considering how they barely met each other.

Seul froze in her trance allowing Jimin’s warmth sipping through her vein, giving her some sort of assurance and security. Her ran his fingers in her soft lock, pulling away from the hug not long after and continued to stare into her eyes deeply “If you need someone to talk to, I will always be here. Now, talk to Namjoon hyung.. He has been dying to see you since yesterday” Seul was under his spell. His soft voice really mesmerized her, and she could feel her bones melted.

Jimin brushed her cheeks with the back of his hand, taking a step backwards giving small space for her to breathe. “See you in a bit” he winked. Seul blushed madly, hiding her face in her hair.

“Talk to her nicely” Jimin mouthed Namjoon with a slight smirk and made his way stealthy to his room. Namjoon was unsure whether he was ready to talk this thing out with her. Not that he was afraid to open up his wound again, facing Seul got him nervous for no reason.

“I am sorry” Namjoon and Seul blurted out in unison.

She rubbed her palms together “You first Namjoon-ssi” he scratched the top of his head a little steadying his breathing. “Look..about yesterday.. I..am sorry that you have to see that. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I..just I-mean I… don’t..I am not..in the right-“ stammering between his words, he attempted to force words that don’t want to be said. Namjoon felt dizzy and breathless.

Seul bit her lower lips watching the guy struggling with his own words and she finally decided it was best to interrupt “Don’t worry, pretend that never happen. I promise I will never bring that up. I am sorry for invading your privacy” she sighed tiredly.

“I am not in the place to say this but since we have come to this, I hope you are holding up well. Love is a funny thing, Namjoon-ssi. You expect it to be easy and to be world of roses. It is more of it once you dwell into it. Love is hard because it makes us grow. It forces us to confront our little demon inside. Love is between two real hearts. If another heart breaks the promises that you build, there is no point in holding onto it anymore” she spouted in one breath.

Awed by Seul’s wise words, Namjoon took the moment to scrutinize her face with so much interest. It was the first real conversation that he had with her, therefore it mesmerized him how a small girl like Seul would have bigger things to say.

She continued “ It is better to break your own heart by leaving rather than having that person to break you heart every day you are with them” her words dissolving into seething mutters to herself. “Oh my god, I am sorry! I got carried away! Forget what I said I mean really, that sounded stupid” she scolded herself as her nose scrunched up cutely not liking her own action.

Namjoon chuckled at her cuteness “You are right about everything. It is better to break my own heart this way rather than getting hurt all over again” he found the thought of ending his complicated relationship with Hyemi was a good thing. His lips pressed into a thin line as he tore his eyes meeting Seul sparkled orbs.

“Thank you Seul-ssi..I understand why Jin hyung is really keen on you. You are different” his compliment melted her heart instantly. Why was he bringing Jin in this matter? What did he mean by Jin was keen on her? To think about this again, it was super crazy.

“I am no one..You are flattering me” she shook her head, “Urm, Namjoon-ssi I think I need to get my job done so I can leave soon. You guys deserve a peaceful rest, I saw how hard you guys worked yesterday” she exclaimed.

“Ah..Dont sweat. Take things real slow, I can help you with the cleaning if you want. It is quite a mess today” he offered but Seul was fast to decline his offer. It was tempting but she’s paid to do this. That would be so wrong to make the boys work.

“No, this is my job. I will get the job done quick. Don’t worry about me”

“Can we drop the formality?” Namjoon suggested something out of context again.

“What?” Seul raised her eyebrows, ever so slightly.

“I heard you are at Jimin’s age, so maybe we can be friends. Plus, you are our caretaker lady. Why don’t we be friends and drop the formality?”

“Do I have the choice what to call you then?” her eyes gleamed with irrepressible humour.

The corner of his mouth quirked as he nodded “So what do you have in your mind?” he challenged.

“Just Namjoon would suffice”

“Just Namjoon?”

“Why? I think that is enough to show our informality”

“But you call Jin hyung, oppa” he stressed.

“Ah, that one. He forced me to call him oppa. I don’t really oppa-ing anyone except for my close friends” cringing at the thought, she grinned widely “So Namjoon would suffice”

“Can’t you call me oppa?” Namjoon demanded.

“Why do you guys so obsess in making me to call you oppa? We will see if I am in the mood to address you oppa. Now please excuse me Namjoon oppa, I have work to do” she nodded and waved her hand while she retreated to tend her job with a smile. Namjoon straightened his clothes while mumbling “Alright then” his eyes followed her until she disappeared behind the kitchen door.

“Oppa…Namjoon oppa” he was not sure why he was smiling, but he could not stop.

 -----------------

Every second was valuable to her. By anytime soon, the rest of Bangtan members would be back and she was not ready to deal with any of them. Thankfully, Jimin and Namjoon had left her alone to do her job. Taehyung was nowhere to be seen even in his room, she wondered where did he disappear.

She picked up Taehyung’s dirty laundry on the floor and tossed it inside the laundry bag. Before she left, she straightened up the bed, smoothing the sheets, carefully tucking the corners and fluffing the pillows. She glanced round the room which was quite impersonal, but her eyes stopped at the picture frame on the nightstand. The photos look familiar to her like she’s the one in it.

Taking the frame in her hand, she squinted her eyes taking a better look of the ambiguous photo. To be honest, the photo alone was a work of an art. It was too beautiful to be described with words, but little did she know she was admiring herself. As she examined the photo, her eyes landed at the corner of the frame. It surprised her to see a small signature with ‘Vante’ engraved on it.

It came to her realization, this was the photo taken by that strange guy that night who claimed himself to be Vante. How did the photo end up in Taehyung’s room? Did the Vante guy sell her photos to people publicly? The only logical thing that she could ever think was, the Vante guy turned out to be Taehyung. That was impossible!

Seul then continue to search for similar frame inside the room and yes there were few of them. Photos of Bangtan members, the scenery that he took and a photo of himself. Could it be him?

Alarm, mixed with confusion, spread through her in a frightening rush “What are you doing in my room?” she was taken aback by the gruffy voice behind her. It sounded familiar, similar to the Vante guy.

In one straight move, she turned around to face him “You?” Taehyung expression turned from uncertainty into sheer surprise. He could not believe his own eyes that Seul was standing before her in his room. What kind of sorcery was this again! Her eyes widened in astonishment “How did you get this photo?” she inquired to answer her curiosity.

“It is mine...”

“Yours? So, you are Vante?”

“Urm…Yes...i think we met before. You are the tea lady”

“I have name. It is Seul”

“Seul? So you are our caretaker?”

“Seems like it”

“WHAT A SMALL WORLD” his voice going up in pitch at the sheer surprise of it.

She raised her chin “That’s right. You see, I thought you actually-“he words broke off and her eyes widened when Taehyung rushed to her for a big bear hug. Seul stiffened in his tight embrace, it was suffocating but he smelled too good. Warmth sipping through her bodies.

“Glad that I found you again Seul” he whispered deeply leaving a trail of sexiness and manliness in his voice. He rested his chin on top of her head liking the way how small and delicate Seul was in his arm.

Her mind and body were not in sync, part of her wanted to push him away but her body really betrayed her today. It’s like she was destined to stay glue to Taehyung. Out of all members, apart from Yoongi, Taehyung would be the boldest one.

Who hugged during their first meeting? Asians don’t do hugs, why was he being so friendly to her.

This would not do, she needed to escape from this sticky situation again. Just before she could plot a murderous plan to flee from Kim Taehyung, they heard a harsh voice scowling at their way.

“Let her go Kim Taehyung” Yoongi hissed under his sharp breath. He looked like he was ready to murder someone. Stood nervously behind Yoongi was Jung Hoseok, he only cracked a nervous smile at Taehyung way and mouthed the younger guy to comply to Yoongi’s request before things turned even sour.

Releasing Seul immediately from his embrace, Seul inhaled a deep breath finally feeling the oxygen being sucked inside properly hitting her lungs.

“Hyung are you alright?” Taehyung blinked innocently.

Ignoring the younger guy’s question, he marched towards Seul giving the girl no chance to breath and crashed his lips against her ‘WHAT THE HELL. THIS THE THIRD KISS’ Seul screamed in her head desperately.

“HYUNG!” Taehyung and Hoseok yelled in fear.

“MIN YOO-YAH” she mumbled between kisses and as soon as she parted her lips, Yoongi deepened the kisses not caring the protest that he received from the floor. He had enough watching Seul with other guys. That one time with Jimin ticked him off, however he was still in denial with his feelings for Seul.

Now, seeing how Taehyung acting all cosy with her, Yoongi really had enough. He needed to make it clear to everyone that she is his.

“HYUNG YOU ARE HURTING HER!” said Hoseok.

It was exhausting to fight Min Yoongi, she would never win when it came to him. Yoongi pulled away staring at her reddened lips with a smirk “I marked her, remember that” he muttered against her lips, holding onto her body close to his.

Taehyung cringed at the sight still in dazed, he exchanged a wary glance with Hoseok and before he could ask further, Yoongi had already pulled Seul out from the room.  Leaving shook Hoseok and Taehyung, Hoseok palmed the wall behind him gulping the heavy lump on his throat.

“What was that….” Hoseok breathed out.

   This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved.

#btscaretaker #btsfluff #btsromance #bts fanfic #btsfic #jungkook x oc #yoongi x oc #yoongi fic #jungkook fic #jungkook romance #Jungkook fluff #yoongi romance #yoongi fluff #jimin x oc #hoseok x oc #jin x oc

[normal-thoughts-official]

I was reading ur post about the Brazilian education system (which sounds fucking incredible by the way) and it reminded me of smth

I have no intention of becoming a teacher, but my sister is one and she works in a primary school (her class is ages 5-6), and when she was in university she showed me loads of things about the reflecting realities study

I think it was made in 2017 and it was a study on how well children's books reflected the world around us, ie how many books published had protagonists of colour and obviously the results were dire

I'd have to look it up but there were very few people of colour and a hell of a lot of white characters, but what was especially interesting was that when Black Lives Matter got more prevelence last year a lot of publishing houses got put under pressure to add more people of colour in their books

And when the 2020 reflecting realities study came in and while there was more people of colour and less white people, the number of animals being the main protagonists completely jumped up

And it's just terrible because of stories with main casts of animals still fall into the exact same racist stereotypes. Like often they follow the protagonist of a cute fluffy animal as they struggle against the predetory snake or bear, both of which are completely different to them physically and explicitly a threat - this could also be stranger danger

And I mean, what's worse is when they're consciously trying to use animals as an allegory - I mean Zootopia? Anyone? Disney making the allegory for people of colour into literal predetors really wasn't the woke moment they thought it was

And I was just thinkinf about how this kind of follows through into the fantasy genre. I'm gonna be tentative here because Im no expert on this so call me out if you think I'm wrong. Like I'm glad that the shadowhunters cadting directors hired more actors of colour to the team because othereise it would be overwhelmingly pasty, I can't help but notice the decision to cast Luke, the only black man, as an animal and how they changed his character entirely as well

Because (this is not pro cc) Luke in the books was a gentle white bookshop owner, and the show changed him into a cop, and the second time we see him or so he's been injured from fighting (ie not depicted as gentle) ? For some reason (this could just be for plot purposes but u know) There's whole essays online about how media uses black cops in shows and movies to prevent criticism against them but that's a whole other post

(tentative again but do you think that it was kidn of to distance itself from real world issues? Like shadowhunters can obviously be read as the fantasy police force, but by making Luke a downworlder and a cop I feel like maybe they're moving as far away from being properly critical as they can)

That being said, I love show Luke I think he's fantastic, and I way prefer his competancy instead of wimpy white book Luke but I think he can fit the trope in media where characters of colour are depicted as animalistic, ie TWILIGHTs wolves being all native people!!! and I feel like often it just helps to reinforce a lot of the aggressive stereotyoes against poc

Idk how to finish this. In conclusion publishing houses seem to find it easier to publish stories about animals than people of colour and that's a big fat problem. Also how instead of you know publishing books by authors of colour several responded to criticism by just rereleasing collections of classics with black people on the cover - like that solves anythung

Idk I thought you might find the study interesting, it obviously goes more in depth that I have talked about so I can link it to you if you'd like (however it is a study based in Britain based upon British publishing houses so no worries if you aren't interested)

❤️❤️

that does sound pretty interesting! id like to see it if u have it easily, but if not, no worries. i think understanding the specifics of the context in other places always helps u understand ur own better, and we have similar studies in brazil with pretty much the same results

the whole animals thing is so crazy. like both in the sense of animalization and just that genuinely animals are more appealing to have as mc than poc for publishing companies diajasoidja god

also i've never seen zootopia or heard of it being a racial allegory and id like to unlearn that information

about luke: yep. i'm not sure they cast isaiah because he was a werewolf, i think it's genuinely just because he was a good actor (especially because so many other originally white characters got actors of color in the show) but sh and tsc did pick the race of the downworlders in the most cursed way. the two most important black characters were both werewolves (i know ur in s1 but maia also exists in tsc so), literally ALL the werewolves except for russell were either black or latine, even the minor ones (bat, alaric, gretel), the only jewish character drinks blood (COME ON), raphael is also animalized a lot "on account of being a vampire" whereas simon is not (and even camille isn't and she was supposed to be white so)

the decision to make luke a black cop will always be something i'll hate. can we stop trying to make cops diverse. cops are oppressors. get out of here with the propaganda

im not sure the thing about luke being hurt is supposed to imply he's violent tho, i think it's more supposed to be like "poor him, a great serviceman of the people, risking his life at the job" which is copaganda and therefore still racist, but, in a different way daoidjsaj

i think there could have been a good critique/parallel there with luke being black and a cop and an ex-shadowhunter downworlder, but that would have to be handled REALLY carefully so im actually kind of glad sh didn't even try to do that. also it would require luke to have actual growth as a character instead of just being clary's caretaker #4, and his internalized anti-downrorldism and bootlicking tendencies to be addressed and become a liberation plotline. which again, sh could never

but yeah same, in the end i love show luke, mostly because of who he could have been, but at least he's not useless like book luke. but like... why make him a cop when you could, very easily, do Anything Else

#ask #residenthottiesamwilson #salt #anti sh #anti book luke #cops tw #cops mention #racism mention