#im just unable to disconnect it lol

[nukenai]

Arven, no. Listen, we're in a pretty similar boat here. Let's talk about our dead parent problems. Boy, have I got a lot too!! Damn!!!

#no dragons involved tho #pokemon sv #hi not to make this really serious but #it's very very awkward that pokemon always gives you a mom #i am Unable to go back and visit mom ever now #so when characters are like 'so your mom' i'm like ehhhh sorry no can't engage w that #haven't had a mom for over 12 years now CAN'T RELATE SORRY NO MOMS HERE #im just unable to disconnect it lol #anyways my parents are dead in my pokemon fanfic too so it just continues to be odd to me

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[pixlokita]

[RUIN SPOILERS]

wait, huh, i never noticed that printed on his paw. then.. whys he missing his head?

i mean, hes in the right area for the vanny endings where he got attacked, isnt he? he got thrown to the lower level of fazer blast in the vanny endings? and in one of them (save vanny) were literally shown a disconnected freddy head.

also, he does have an unopened gift box in his chest - im guessing a fazwatch, since im pretty sure its the same colors as the gift box our freddy had with the fazwatch in his stomach hatch. which feels like an interesting touch to add? maybe every freddy has it, but like i said earlier why would a prototype freddy be there in the first place? and if it IS our freddy like i first thought, shouldnt the gift box be opened?

freddy described it as a “novelty fazwatch”, and novelty can apparently be used to describe a cheap toy, so maybe freddys keep these on them to give to kids, but that still doesnt explain why the prototype is headless if thats not our freddy. i highly doubt hed be running all that well (both tech wise and literal running lol) if his head just got torn off in the rubble, and steel wool has been pretty consistent in acknowledging the damage animatronics suffer affecting their movement (specifically chica walks and runs like its awkward to move after being crushed, and monty drags himself across the floor). but this freddy basically hones in on us, despite assumedly being unable to see (roxy doesnt hone in on us in her decommission boss fight unless we make noise), and he moves around fine as though his system is entirely fine. it feels so odd.

i forgot to mention. your emo proto freddy cracks me up i love him. teen mike going forward in time.. a fascinating, humorous switcheroo lol

Yeah I didn’t really think too deep about it but this is all interesting TTwTT my small brain just thought heheh he has prototype written on his foot like woody in Toy Story had Andy’s name written on his shoe, must be a different Freddy! lmao but yes to all of this I was wondering if the head was missing to confuse us :0 there were soooo many wires sticking out of it tho like I don’t think the head made it out unscathed if it was ripped like that and most stuff was left connected to the body

#pix answers #fnaf #dlc ruin #spoilers

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Do you feel like bts enlistment will have an effect on you in kpop spaces? I know you're a multi but you primarily focus on bts, so do you feel like you'll turn to a new group to focus on?

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I listen to other kpop music but I don't consider myself a multi just because im unable to keep up with other groups content like i do with bts. I've seen other army turn to svt after the hiatus was announced, and now they're more of a carat than army. I thought this would happen to me, but the thought of delving into another group just feels like a chore lol.. I guess I need to find a new hobby 😭

It's funny you say I'm a multi, because I'm really not. I'm a kpop fan, who loves a lot of kpop music and listens to many artists, but I'm only Army. I wouldn't call myself part of any other fandom.

Like you, I've checked some groups out, I watch some variety content from other groups, mainly Twice, but I don't have the interest to dive into other groups like I did BTS. It's not just because of the effort I'd have to make, which is daunting, but because other groups' dynamic and members aren't captivating enough for me to want to spend hours watching videos of them. Also, BTS is the only group whose discography I love as a whole - not just the title tracks - and the group I respect the most as artists. I love Twice the most after BTS but the girls have very little involvement in their music and lipsync 80% of the time...

2021, and even some of 2020, was actually when I felt the most disconnected from BTS. Most of the content we got from them was commercials, collabs with LV and McDonald's. We had very little new music, performances, or meaningful content like Bangtan Bombs. I reconnected with BTS in late 2021 and 2022, during PTD on Stage and after chapter 2 was announced - which came with a flood of meaningful content, like albums and performances. Thankfully, aside from fashion magazines and ambassadorships, there haven't been many commercials recently. Also, a lot of the ambassadorships have been lowkey or, in JK's case, really good.

Even though my relationship with JK, for example, hit a rough patch this year, I've also never loved him more or been as invested in his career. I'm pretty sure next year will be the same. We'll have tons of content until Jin returns, and then he'll keep us entertained until J-Hope comes back and releases an album. I'm sure there's enough content from the other members to last until 2025. I'll miss BTS for sure, but I'm too busy to even watch the content we have now, so there's tons I can catch up on. I hope I don't lose my connection with BTS, but I don't think I will, and no one will take their place regardless.

If some fans become Carats, Blinks, Onces, Moas, or whatever, and prefer another group over BTS, that's okay. It won't be me, but I'm not worried about Armys leaving BTS.

Thanks for the ask!

#ask #bts #text #thanks for the ask!

[forestdivinity]

Thinking about my life as an autistic adhder and just… thoughts idk

Like for me, a big part about being autistic is I have a reduced capacity for social function. And what I mean by that is I struggle because my brain does not inherently understand how/when to do things as and when society expects. Like, I struggle with doing the dishes because I do not understand the societal ‘rules’ that dictate when the dishes should be done, how they should be done, why they should be done a certain way, etc. Same goes for other things.

And then the other thing is the sensory issues—so I don’t understand when it is appropriate to do the dishes and that’s worsened by the fact that touching a dirty dish is 0/10 most ick ever, does not feel good, sensory wise.

(This is so rambly im sorry lol)

Whereas my adhd is a disconnect between what I know and what I do. I can understand the steps on how to do something and still not be able to apply them. I can know I have to focus on a task to complete it and not be able to do that. It’s like there’s a barrier between two halves of my brain. This is what I personally recognise as executive dysfunction—knowing I have to do something and knowing how to do it but being unable to apply that in a situation.

Whereas when I can’t do something because of my autism it’s because I either don’t understand how to do it (can’t start something I don’t understand) and am too afraid/overwhelmed to ask how to do it. This is a common thing because autistic ppl get ridiculed and degraded and bullied for asking how to do things so much that we just… stop.

Or my autism prevents me from doing something because it is an overwhelming sensory experience, in which case I am choosing (consciously or not) not to do it because I don’t want to subject myself to the ick. Who wants to subject themselves to something they find ick? A lot of allistic people do but that’s conforming to a social norm… something autistic people struggle with doing!

Of course these things aren’t the only symptoms of autism/adhd and don’t explain every struggle that comes with them—nor does it account for how autistic ppl and adhders are far more likely to be traumatised, and how trauma symptoms interact with an autistic/adhd brain—but idk.. it’s how I conceptualise a lot of my brain worms

#personal #okay to rb #autism #autistic #actually autistic #actually adhd #actuallyautistic #actuallyadhd #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #rant #kinda?? #long post #ish??

[gumdecay]

.

#when i was v little (n also not so little.. like up til 17 or so but started wen i was v little) i used 2 go nonverbal wenever i was upset n #my throat wld lichrally feel like it was closing up n then bc i felt like it was closing up all my othr muscles wld freeze up n id b rooted #2 the spot in the middle of w/e was making me upset in the 1st place unable 2 speak or move or tell ny1 y i was upset. nyway thats how all #of life feels now as an adult just a never ending inability 2 move or express nything thats wrong haha :) #if i was lucky enuf 4 it 2 happen in bed where i cld @ least hide my face my mom wld always come in n play fucking 20 questions trying 2 #figure out what made me upset n the last time i was suicidal around her (last month lol) she did the same thing and like.......... it has #nvr evr helped it has only evr made me more upset n unable 2 express nything n i felt like lichrally screaming wen she did it last month n i #just................... idek y im talking abt this but im ready 2 die genuinely #the only time i have evr been happy is wen i disconnected entirely from my family n moved across the country but then OFC i immediately #found myself being abused 2 had 2 com back tail btwn my legs n like................ god............... r those truly my only options evr???? #i feel like screaming but the walls r thin n my neighbors wld 100% hear i cant evn scream under water in the bath bc the bath here is 2 #small n doesnt fill! so! i will just continue 2 b unable 2 express myself in ny meaningful way 4evr ig :')

[dahniwitchoflight]

Homesquared Chapter 14 part b

Alright time for more reactions to Homesqaured- oh jeezus

the last one of these I did was from october last year, hoo boy alright brain time to get back on the time train things are happening fast

we last left off with me thinking they just fucking hilled Harry but I remembered the wrong house so Harrys fine, John not so much

Yeah, John sad but ooh Karkat shows up!

They seem to have a mutual conversation about lost youth and stuff, really makes these characters feel oold

“JOHN: jeez, i'm sorry karkat.

JOHN: i had no idea how much time had passed.

JOHN: i must have gotten a bit distracted by my house being blown up.“

Oh man, John thats a whole ass MOOD

lol at sburb allocated blow job

yeah Karkats right tho, John does kind of need a kick in the pants to see how he might have been useful here, but Johns still stuck in this rut of not seeing anything around him as Real real, so hes blind to all of the consequences of inaction

John its called derealization and depersonalization, you can get help for that yknow

But I mean, cant really blame him, hes being smothered by the fires of Doom all around him

Its interesting to see that Karkat, a Blood player, is more comfortable navigating through things that constrain them and tie them down, since constraint is something Blood and Doom have in common, Chains and Barriers and Laws and etc

Whereas John the Breath player, just gets bogged down, hes totally out of his element

so it ends up being like John: “Id like to cling to some funny moments of my youth pls and try to lighten the situation up a bit because I cant do anything when so heavy”

versus Karkat being like: “BUCKLE UP FUCK TITS THIS SHIT IS YOUR LIFE NOW GETS USED TO WADING KNEE DEEP IN THE SHIT LIKE THE REST OF US GROWN ASS ADULTS”

John: ):

Hmm, both Vriskas have been captured, but Annie basically rescued herself, knowing Vriska Prime she probably has a plan or an idea about that, see well see how that goes

“KARKAT: JANE'S PLAN FOR THIS CONFLICT HAS THUS FAR CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF KIDNAPPING VARIOUS HIGH PROFILE CHILDREN.

KARKAT: IT'S BIZARRE.

KARKAT: AS THOUGH WE ARE FIGHTING A WAR OF ATTRITION, WHERE THE MAIN RESOURCE BEING UTILIZED IS THE OFFSPRING OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.KARKAT: IF IT WASN'T ONE OF THE CORE TENETS OF HER FASCISTIC PHILOSOPHY, I'D BE TEMPTED TO SAY THAT CURBING REPRODUCTION MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GOOD IDEA, IF ONLY TO PREVENT THIS KIND OF FUCKSHIT NONSENSE FROM HAPPENING.

Oh. Well I guess that was Dirk’s “plans” for Jane all along. Obviously he was using Jane as a vehicle to gather “players” for his eventually next session, interesting

But who has Jane kidnapped in total thus far?

Does Tavros count? he was certainly trapped with her for some amount of his life, but I dont know if that counts as a kidnapping, John certainly tried to kidnap HIM though from the epilogues

Annie certainly counts as being kidnapped

Vrissy has JUST been captured so that counts, and Harry so far is still fine

Which bodes so well for Harry’s future Im sure

Yeah, Vriska should have been able to not outwit any capture attempts, but my guess is either Vrissy got capture and Vriska dove in, OR, Vriska’s doing an inside job so to speak and got caught on purpose, dragging Vrissy along as well

I guess we’ll see when we see their “prison”

Anyway John, don’t get so down on yourself, you’re just ignorant to everythiong around you! thats why nothing makes sense and you can’t connect to anything, easy fix! Just try to learn more and care more about stuff lol

Man does this feel like a strong metaphor between people who are into/care about politics and people who feel like they can’t get into it though

Crossing that hurdle from one side to the other is rough

“KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.”

yup

man, this is all feeling startlingly relevant to the current times, I should have read this sooner

“ KARKAT: PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME YOU JUST HAD ANOTHER EMOTION THAT WE NEED TO DROP EVERYTHING IN ORDER TO DISSECT. “

hah, oh wow, Karkat when you phrase it like that, it’s almost as if you’ve become self aware of your tendencies to Moirail people out of their problems

Not really that out of character for a Blood player to end up being the Therapy Friend though lol

Just don’t burn yourself out on that though

JOHN: karkat, we still haven't spoken about *you*!

KARKAT: ABOUT ME?

JOHN: yes.

KARKAT: ABOUT *ME*?

JOHN: about you.

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME.

JOHN: well...

JOHN: you know, how you feel!

KARKAT: HOW I FEEL.

I know Karkat has probably matured past misunderstandings like this now given he’s really come into a great understanding of his Blood aspect, but by golly do I wish Karkat would misunderstand this as John’s attempts to be Moirail-reciprocal sdkjfhwlijebr

What a perfect way to continue their relationship, on top of more misconstrued romance quadrants XD

Spades is old Hat, Diamonds are in now babey

Oh

this started out funny, but Karkat’s emotional rant just ended up being depressing not funny ):

I have to say though, it is REALLY interesting to see John’s depression manifesting in a very breathy sort of way

Karkat in these panels was more closer together, connected, but as John gets more and more depressed over the course of Karkat’s rant when he realizes Karkat doesn’t know dave died, the panels get seperated by lines of blue, and slowly drift off away from John and from eachother

but thats basically been hows its been manifesting all along

the more John feels Disconnected and Seperate from the reality he finds himself in, the more he finds his will untethered, the more depressed and unable to act he gets

and right now its so much so that even a fuller fledged Blood player is having trouble grounding him back down

I don’t know, I always viewed the depression metaphor as a dark watery void to sink into and feels heavy and encapsulating (but probably thats just my Light-y interpretation of it)

so its interesting to see the depression metaphor as this floating disconnection instead, so much that it leans towards derelaization/depersonalistion/dissociation as well

I wonder if John will start dealing with bouts of actual full blown dissociation as this gets worse?

I mean, Breath aspect has given the literal ability to ghost around wherever he pleases in all other ways, why not literally and physcologically as well?

So John seems to be fully overembracing his aspect here, to a very unhealthy degree here, which I see you asking “aha Dahni, but hes doesn’t have overblown self esteem here, quite the opposite, is this not an inverted state instead? or something else because hes acting like hes inverting to Breath?”

and I say not so! reader, for overembracing is the idea that through your aspect, your will is overwriting the wills of others, and in someone like Vriska, this manifests in a very selfish and over self esteemed way

but is not John’s will overwriting Karkat’s here? Through Breath? And isnt John also being a little selfish here? Considering how he feels about things, more important than how anyone else feels? How Karkat feels?

John is too dissociated to understand that this reality is Real and has Consequences he needs to care about, and Karkat is trying to fight against that, trying to instill his belief that no, this shit is real and it Matters Why Don’t You Care, trying to ground him, trying to give him that dose of Blood he needs

but John’s overembracing Breath is just, blowing that all away, its becoming too strong

Roxy in the epilogues dealt with this as well, when John was really in the shits with it and started to believe Roxy’s whole personality was somehow fake and his own construction, because he convinced himself Roxy would never choose to do the things she did, but Roxy was able to snap him out of it and make him understand and respect it was her own choices that led down his path, not the idea that John’s choices are somehow overriding everyones

But man, John sure is riding that Breath train way too hard, and he keeps snapping back into it as well

Further and Further

#Homesquared #Homestuck^2 #Homestuck #John Egbert #Karkat Vantas #dissociation

[dyketubbo]

Wilbur is a Prince of Heart fucking bite me

*clears throat* now that i have your attention please watch as i become mentally ill and explain why wilbur soot is a dirk strider kinnie. all /rp of course. analysis under the cut because i talk. so much.

basic summary: wilbur is destructive about emotions, he destroys others emotionally and most notably destroys himself for being emotional, he wants to be in control and spirals when he loses it but ultimately falls down mentally from broken trust and a misguided want to care for and about others. he lashes out at perceived flaws and puts people into titles, such as putting himself as a villain, and perceives himself as a negative force overall but is unable to stop caring and as such can often turn to using how much he cares into a destructive force. he needs to learn how to healthily let go of control and how to trust others. he used to care healthily and needs to relearn how to do so, but the fact that he is growing into becoming a healthy heart player when he fell due to untreated destructive tendencies is a signifier of being a prince

oh classpects my beloved <3 as a heart player (thief of heart :]) wilbur is absolutely a heart player and anyone who says otherwise is Wrong. anyways what people not super into the classpecting buiz dont know is that while aspects can have certain aesthetics tied to them, they arent defined by those aesthetics, and sometimes themes present in characters is uh, just them being characters and doesnt have anything to do with classpects. thats why every canon heart player in homestuck has something to do with romance (especially failed romance), but being a heart player does not mean youre inherently tied to romance, not really. also characters are often influenced by others and that can mess with things, but classpects are an ultimatum, you have to look at the whole arc of a character to classpect them, and thats hard in a story thats not done yet like the dream smp

but anyways. aspect is more about worldview, its how you see things, and it can either be something youre born into or something you grow into (which is determined by your class- for example, tommy is a knight because hes always had a connection to blood [which is also why i like knight more than thief, because as a thief, thief classes take their aspect and did not always have them, but tommys always been connected to blood, to relationships, in a literal sense he protects {knight} his relationships {blood} and sticks by them {also knight}]) which i think is why it can be so hard for people to agree on one aspect- you have to consider whether or not that character always embodied it or if they grew into it. in a world of unreliable narrators, worldviews have to be actively read into and you have to often push what a character says aside because they may be straight up lying. and because theyre lying, that can affect how they come off and their actions and words may seem disconnected when they arent

wilburs hard to get a handle on his class because of how often he contradicts the fuck out of himself, his aspect is easier to figure out because we've known him long enough to see how he fits into the heart mold- he cares about others, definitely! but he does have a vaguely inherent selfishness about him (calling l'manburg *his*, destroying it because he cant have it, because he's paranoid and doesn't think theres a chance of it ever being what it was meant to be, even when hes given the chance to have it again he destroys it instead because he doesnt want to try and fix it, claiming he doesnt care even though he destroyed it because he cared too much). unhealthy heart players can be cunning but impulsive, perceptive but emotional and falling into gut instincts. exploring their own identities and others identities as well, placing importance in titles and roles and all that jazz, and what parts of this are played into or not is determined by class

wilbur is a prince because princes have a significant projection of self importance. but because princes either destroy their aspect or through their aspect, and are active destroyers, they can often destroy things (or people) if they believe its not working correctly, or if theyre losing control. unhealthy princes can often lash out and destroy others and themselves for perceived weaknesses, and will often focus on themselves. unhealthy princes often start thinking theyre the root of why theres so many shitty things going on. princes in general also try really hard to compensate for insecurities and do by justifying what happens to them with narratives that they deem to be correct. they arent actively malicious, but if they see a perceived flaw it can often piss them off and cause them to lash out

wilbur loses control (and i must note here, he also loses trust, and accepting that you can trust others and that its okay to not be in control is a sign of a healthy prince) and spirals because of betrayal and paranoia, and that only makes him want more control over what happens so that he cant be betrayed again. he tries to destroy his own emotions, becomes distant and untrusting, tries to destroy others emotions by stating his own current worldviews and stating that they cant trust others and that hes going to destroy what and who they care about. however, because wilbur is still emotional and still cares, as a apart of his character, he still often backs out of destruction (or offers himself up to be destroyed instead, "if youre going to kill anyone kill me"), its in his most conscious moments that he shows that hes not as malicious as he wants people to see him as. he sees himself as a villain and as the cause of all bad things, and encourages pursuits of power because he sees control and power as good things

tommys quote of "he treated other people badly because he wanted to be treated badly" (paraphrased of course) works well here for why wilbur is a prince. he destroyed because he wanted to be destroyed, destroyed lmanburg and hurt others and drove them to hurt others (the pit) because he saw himself as a destructive force needed to be taken down. he wanted to be in control of his life, his safety, others safety, of his possessions and of the narrative, and it all swirled into him wanting to be in control of his own death. bards are too passive, they invite destruction rather than cause it, wilbur can be mistaken as a bard because of how he often acts with tommy, but that can also be seen as a princely thing of trying to be in control of who he cares about

also the lying about what he cares about feels very prince of heart lol. bitch saying he doesn't care about l'manburg then staring wistfully at the van.. yeah. he cares. but it serves his goal more to pretend he doesn't. l'manburg itself was a decision driven by emotion, it's an emotional priority, and that's why wilbur cares about it (heart move), but wants to destroy it because he feels like the original emotions he put behind it are gone and corrupted and that he and others no longer deserve it (prince move). as such, he clashes with tommy, who cares about it because he got a family from it (blood move) and wants to protect it and keep everyone involved safe (knight move)

you could argue that wilbur fits classes like witch because of how he manipulates emotions and others but i think that lays way into how revivedbur is currently acting and not how wilbur is as a whole. he's too driven by impulses to be a witch, and i think a witch wilbur would be way more actively villainous than a prince wilbur, however surprising that may sound. princes are destructive sure, but ultimately their downfall comes from whether they trust others or not, and wilbur only trusting tommy (and maybe phil? im waiting to see more interactions between them to see if wilbur is going to really be open to phil or not) isn't enough to save wilbur from his spiral. he needs to learn how to healthily release control and how to trust others, how to step back and snap out of thinking he knows best. also i feel that it's a bit easier to see when princes are full of shit than it is to see when a witch is full of shit lmao, at least from a personal perspective, of course when you're a viewer of the story it's easier to see manipulation than it is when you're apart of the story

#dsmp #hs #wilbur #dsmp analysis #dsmp classpects #mask mews #implied suicide #ask to tag #also ghostbur is absolutely a splinter ala hal #i think ghostbur would probably have a different class but still be a heart player. maybe ghostbur is the witch? hmmm #idk. ill think about it maybe #oh wait tommys talked about pretty often here #tommy

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

no-sleep 1x09rewatch ramble-essay (all content warnings for the episode apply here)

i was just like. oh i’ll watch a feel-good episode of gossip girl! s1 thanksgiving ep is great isn’t it! blairenate family feels!!! ruflyson love triangle drama!!! vdw siblings AND humphrey siblings hanging out!!! dan’s “see you later waldorf” *salutes & closes the cab door* !!!

& like. yes i DID remember serena’s whole not being sober on thanksgiving thing, and yes i DID remember blair’s ED relapse - which is heavy, but eating disorder content isn’t particularly triggering for me personally (i find it kind of cathartic, if we’re being honest) BUT . i somehow forgot. that THIS was the episode which has howard’s suicide attempt?? and now i have some of the most painful nate feels in the world. 

blah blah blah, leight’s acting brought me to tears, which probably doesn’t sound like a very big deal but sort of is, for a variety of reasons (watching things doesn’t usually make me cry, it’s happened maybe a single-digit number of times before + also just my blair feels in general --> she’s a really interesting character but i don’t find her AS relatable as i do dan, or nate, or vanessa, or maybe even serena at times --> so i usually do have a bit of a disconnect re: watching her, which i really do not have for like. dan, for instance.) 

i just cannot divorce that very cute outfit blair wears with her ED relapse - which brings me to the next point, which is that blair is maybe THE only character ever for whom her clothing choices and her plotlines are so interwoven in my head (lemon yellow shirt and funky little hat is her mean bridesmaids competitive game day, yellow-&-orange dress is her choose chuck over dan moment, genderqueer plaid skirt and grey shirt is her “dan loves me for me” moment, white shirt with the pink flowers is her get owned by nelly yuki moment, etc etc)... the only other time i noticed outfits is derena cotillion, but that’s just because i LOVE derena cotillion, and date matching shirts, but that’s because i am tuned into all things date and couldn’t possibly tell you what those outfits actually symbolise, with the exception of dan’s pink flannel shirt from when he’s holding milo. or any of the outfits from 2x06 because that is my episode hands down. oh hey would you look at that, i do actually form associations. but you gotta believe me on this, blair’s the one it happens most naturally for, which is very strange. i think it’s because her outfits are always Statements in a way that the other characters never do, except for jenny, who is a fashion designer, so it’s Different for her. what am i trying to say. 

oh yeah another iconic outfit is serena’s golden jacket and bright blue pants to the morgue to identify what might be chuck’s corpse. she literally dressed like she was going clubbing and i respect her so much for that. 

anyway. gosh. nate just - getting gaslit by his mom, getting reprimanded by his dad for telling his mom to stop being rude/petty... howard was like “don’t fight my fights for me” but nate wasn’t even doing that?? he was just asking his mom Not to be rude, and the fact that nate got told off at the end of that interaction... uh. it shows a lot about the archibald family unit in general and just. how nate is sort of treated as ... i don’t have the right word, but my brain is like “second class citizen”... which is absolutely NOT the right concept for nate but like. he is treated like he is Less a part of the family than his parents are....... RIGHT until one of them (or both of them!) fuck up in a big way and it’s down to nate to fix their mess. i haven’t read “adult children of emotionally immature parents” but from whatever i’ve heard about it, i think nate could do with reading it. or not. maybe it’d just make him sadder.

and fuck - nate’s whole talk with his dad and his dad telling nate that he doesn’t know how he can go on, etc etc... idk what to say or where to draw the line but i have really complicated howard & nate feelings. i really truly think anne was the worse parent (not like it’s a competition of course) and i sometimes seriously wonder if maybe howard archibald had a more supportive life partner, maybe he wouldn’t have ended up being ~like that~ to nate (doesn’t justify anything of course). anyway nate’s sitting by the hospital bed and his dad is denying his suicide attempt at first and nate’s just like, no, stop. this is also making me think now of nate sitting by serena’s hospital bed after tripp, and nate possibly sitting by blair’s hospital bed some point pre-series (eating disorders are serious and i really do think, esp with eleanor being eleanor, that it must’ve gotten pretty bad for blair before she got help - which. sorry. i know, it’s sad but i’m just putting together pre-existing implications.) all i’m saying is some point in the future i wouldn’t be surprised if nate’s just. uncomfortable in hospitals and unable to piece together why. oh yikes i just remembered blair’s miscarriage. at which point do hospitals become overly suffocating for natie, remind him of his own helplessness, etc... because i really think they would. anyway. 

anne archibald chills me because she is such an accurate representation of a very specific kind of mother and. i hate it for nate obviously but i struggle to remember a time i’ve seen a tv mom who i can 100% relate to so hard. as in. fuck. worded that wrong. whose SON i can relate to so hard. ouch. this may be a moot point because i don’t watch much tv, but honestly anne & nate is just. a Lot. in a way that is significant to Me, specifically. this is part of my pet peeve (not enough to fight with anybody don’t worry) when people make edits about mothers & daughters, as if what was happening between nate & anne, somehow didn’t have the same complications - i honestly think there’s some solid eleanor & blair/ anne & nate parallels to be drawn. and we’ve been over this somewhere else, but lily & serena / rufus & dan / rufus & jenny definitely have a lot of the same specific issues (parent projecting on child, etc.) again - everyone engages w the show differently, im ready to admit that like... maybe 65% of my problems with the ‘mothers & daughters’ reading probably stem from gender dysphoria, lol. but whatever.

i have feelings about dan & alison, too... i really do think dan was closer to his mom than to his dad for majority of his childhood, and this ep really cements it. anyway. i don’t have any more words and i’m tired. and i might just watch derena cotillion episode because . derena cotillion episode my beloved... 

wait wait before i forget. venn diagram of humphrey family & van der bilt family & playing american football. i know this has come up before but like. here we go i;m thinking about it again. both dan and nate have been competitively thrown in the grass by a family member in the name of sports. no wonder nate chose dan over chuck in 2x06 (i would put a tone indicator but even i can’t tell if this is /gen or /j) 

#rewatch tag #long post #natie my beloved :( #meta #ok now for the heavy stuff #alcohol #addiction / #i mean it's implied im gonna tag anyway #eating disorders cw #eating disorder mention #bulimia cw #attempted suicide cw #suicide attempt cw #parental abuse cw #abuse cw #personal #this is actually ok to reblog if you want just don't add things to it #and be mindful that it's. whatever it is #im also tagging #prompt #again: solely for myself #i was gonna write a datefic where [ redacted ] #the number of typos in this are embarrassing but this is the time people wake up #and not the time people go to bed #so #im allowed

[deadwatcrs]

⟨  tom holland  ,  non-binary demiboy  ,  he/they  ,  22  ⟩   there  goes  ARTHUR ‘ARTIE’ HART  after  the  opposing  team’s  flag  ,  the  child   of  APHRODITE  who  was  claimed  to  CABIN TEN  eleven years  ago  .  wielding  their  SPEAR  ,  and  their  inherited  TELEPORTATION  at  the  ready  ,  they’re  sure  to  lead  their  team  to  victory  .  after  all  ,  it  was  their  demigod  prowess  that  proved  to  be  vital  during  the  arduous  and  decisive  JOURNEY TO FIND DAEDALUS AND THE MAP OF THE LABYRINTH  (  demigod  18  )  they  ventured  on  in  the  past  .  don't  let  their  feat  fool  you  though  ,  it  was  during  this  quest  that  they  were  challenged  by  their  FEAR OF ABANDONMENT AND LONELINESS  .  perhaps  that  is  the  reason  they've  chosen  to  side  with  the  titan  army  .

hello hello !!! so excited to be here with everyone :-) !!! i’m mira, i’m 20, i use she/her pronouns nd i live in the gmt+8 zone, so u can expect me awake when no one else is KJEHHSEJK i’ve been a fan of pjo since like,,,, i was 12 nd was literally convinced i was a demigod so u can imagine !!!! that when i saw this rp i was like !!!! [screams] 

anyways !! this is arthur ‘artie’ hart nd they are New so i’m still working out a lot of their story, but im v excited to see where they’ll go :-) i have a few connections regarding his story nd also just ,, slapped som stuff down from the app into here HEKJHESJK 

PART ONE.    THE BASICS.

name: arthur ‘artie’ hart. prefers to go by artie, as arthur is what his aunt calls him. age: twenty-two. zodiac: born on july 21st, 1999, making him a cancer sun, scorpio moon and leo rising. gender & pronouns: nonbinary demiboy. uses he/him and they/them pronouns. romantic orientation: bisexual.

PART TWO.     THE HIDDEN DEPTHS, THE SCRATCHED LAYER.

positive traits: compassionate / perceptive / mild-mannered. negative traits: pessimistic / evasive / easily jealous. mbti: ENFJ - the protagonist. moral alignment: chaotic good. what is their motivation?: artie is motivated, primarily, by the desire to never find themselves abandoned and alone. growing up with an absent goddess of a mother, a mother deep in her memories of a lover she’ll never see again and an aunt who tried to give them a foundation to grow from meant that their life was more or less marred by the concept of loneliness, of abandonment. 

artie wants, more than anything else, for no future demigods to feel the same way they did — and if that means tearing down olympus and getting rid of the gods, then they were willing to turn the other cheek, to contribute bare bones to take on the least amount of blood and ichor. aphrodite had never made a move to acknowledge him other than the obligatory favor of claiming him as her child, and the knowledge that she too had abandoned him pushed him to the side of the titans.

the choice to do the bare minimum is rooted in the fact that they are still very much attached to camp half-blood and everyone within it, as they had been there for half their life. it is a decision rooted in wanting the best for the camp and its campers even if the decision is a difficult one. after all, what have the gods ever done for the hundreds of children they’ve brought into the world?

what was growing up like?: for starters, artie appreciates that his aunt tried. their mother was far too wrapped up in memories of a lover long gone, and aphrodite had never once made an effort beyond dropping them off at their mother’s doorstep and then claiming them as her child eleven years later. growing up was difficult. like any demigod child, there were instances that could never be explained, like the time artie was in his room one minute and the living room the next without ever having touched his closed door and the time his backpack was torn to shreds while he was still wearing it. still, they had to push through childhood, often seeking comfort in the arms of their aunt when the monsters got too close. at eleven, a satyr brought artie to camp half-blood after discovering their teleportation ability (it was a stupid incident, and one artie is reluctant to tell again, but it ends with falling asleep while their foot was in a toilet bowl while walking to class). 

camp half-blood was a haven for artie as their heritage was unraveled. aphrodite claimed him a week after he arrived at camp, and he was immediately drawn to the change in lifestyle. it was a relief for all the pieces to fall into place, for artie to realize that they weren’t different. at thirteen, they became a year rounder camper after their aunt had encouraged them to stay, knowing their mother couldn’t keep them safe. their time at camp was divided into learning how to fight with a spear (a weapon that quickly became their go-to, the one weapon they were actually proficient with) and learning how to manage their ability. however, worry constantly nagged at them, as they realized they were only putting off a life alone. artie may not have been different, but there were very few people who lived like they did.

PART THREE.     THE EXTRAS, THE CONNECTIONS.

ambrosia tastes like the cranberry-walnut cookies their aunt used to make for them.

they have a little mp3 player because they absolutely cannot live without listening to music. it’s not connected to wifi or data, just a little device that hosts illegally downloaded music.

interchangeably uses he and they pronouns. gender identity was something artie struggled with growing up, as they never felt totally connected to their assigned gender at birth but didn’t feel totally disconnected from it either. it took a lot of google searches, long late night talks with the nymphs and his aunt and encouragement from their fellow siblings before they realized they were non-binary, and furthermore, a demi-boy. they do have a preference for people to refer to them with ‘he/him’ pronouns, while they tend to use ‘they/them’. of course, they don’t really mind what people use as long as it’s either he or them, and ultimately, artie is just happy he’s got this part of himself figured out.

handy with a spear. they tend to spin the weapon around their hand as part of their signature move, and yes, it is just to show off how good he is at spinning it.

pinterest here.

i.    this house burned down and we’ll take the memories with it.

this would be the person who artie is closest to and considers family. they would’ve been there for his every milestone, the person who had his back more often than not and vice versa. however, after artie is revealed to be part of luke’s army, betrayal strains their relationship. i can see this connection (in current times) focusing heavily on the fact that they’re both on directly opposing sides but want the other to be by their side, but being unable to switch sides themselves. this connection is also one heavily steeped in years and years of friendship, as artie has been at camp since he was eleven, and then switched to being a year-rounder at thirteen.

ii.    and where have the gods gone? taken by rainier gang.

artie didn’t want to switch to the titan’s side at first. he was convinced over a long period of time, and this connection focuses on the dynamic between artie and whoever took the time to convince him to switch sides. seeing as one of artie’s deepest fears is ending up alone and abandoned, maybe this dynamic focused on that aspect! honestly, i’m open to however this connection develops since it’s a pretty open-ended one.

iii.     for these are shared wounds. taken by emri kyung, salem poe.

in short, they have been artie’s sparring partner since he was a new camper. as a child of aphrodite, there was always that expectation that he’d be useless in a battlefield and this person took a chance on him, showing him everything he now knows about how to fight. they aren’t close by any means but there is comfort in intimately knowing what they’re like on a battlefield. how this dynamic develops depends on which side (or none, if they’re neutral!) the other person is on.

other wanted connections:

literally anything my brain is tiny LOL

#titanomachyintro #UHHH HERE WE GO VROOM VROOM

[lighthausen]

tma 191 liveblog below cut feat. lots of pauses and daydreaming about a sitcom starring martin and melanie

omg are they waking up? aw is that martin waking up?

Aw did he have a bad dream?

Oh shit sleeping with his eyes open 

Not really sleep? Oh his he actually disconnected from everything? I guess he’s sort of in the eye’s range. I hope so 

edge of sleep that sucks tho

“god forbid the creepy ever stops entirely” “thank you” lmao

No dreams at Salesa’s aw

Recognizing Celia! Oh! Martin does know her but he can’t quite remember it!

Oh no, he can’t remember it down here. Oh no he’s not gonna remember when he comes out

Ask if she remembers

“and you are” “nope”

Ummmmmmmmmmm

“is that so” wowwww

Names are how they see you? Oh. 

The labels that cut you ooof. 

Who doesn’t like fae logic

oh thanks for apologizing Jon that’s nice.

Georgie and Melanie are out

cool black beans.

No statement? 

Getting Jon food :)

ARUN AND MARTIN INTERACT

I’m glad Martin’s nice about Arun...

Oh, he also walked through it, sharing their power.

“Yes, you are...” oooohhh

“i don’t know what I see when I look at you”

LMao martin, “rude”

“i’m a poet! i speak the truth” AFDJLKSDAFJ

THis is GREAT

*sadly kicks away the arun having a crush on martin fanfic i wasn’t ever actually going to write* 

Arun’s right tho, they are mysterious

------------------------------------

and , okay okay, pausing

Does Arun see something different because they saved him or is there actually something different there?

Melanie and Georgie are unharmed by the whole world. Jon is only harmed by things in a dream logic manner. But Martin... he almost got trapped in a lonely domain. 

So. He’s different.

I get Georgie, no fear, can’t get caught. But why Melanie?

And JOn said he couldn’t quite see them at the beginning of the season right? They’re described as a blind spot? Why??? 

Is it because Melanie removed her eyes? Shit, is this gonna be like... birdbox or something?

Unless Georgie’s just been protecting Melanie. Does Melanie have a domain?

Okay okay here are the facts as I see them: The Eye is fond of Martin, gave him his own domain. Jon is able to See Martin. 

He is unable to See Melanie and Georgie. They go out often so it’s unlikely it’s just because they’re in a blind spot all the time. They must be a blind spot. 

Georgie is probably unable to be seen because her fear was removed. 

Melanie is either like Martin (eye is fond of her) she has her own domain... or... Georgie could be looking out for her. Or both. But why wouldn’t Jon be able to see her?????? Is it because she severed her connection with the institute? 

And, are they actually immune? Did Martin only get pulled into the lonely because of dream logic but he’s usually safe? Jon’s described as the only one who can walk, so I assume other avatars can’t travel either???

FUck! Fuck,, i don’t know time to play again.

-----------------------------

They’ve been gone a while

Locals getting restless? Oh no, they don’t like them :(

Fuzziness comes and goes? 

HE WON’T FORGET EVERYTHING?? i hope not

the simultaneous “i don’t remember”

Are they gonna help? Help with what. saving the world

a bit too much pressure lol

Makes sense if they don’t help bc if it fails...

Layouts different?

Oh? Things wandering about? 

What? 

ARCHIVISTS???????????????????????????

?

wait rewind lemme look at the episode

ok Mag53

Ohhhh ohh okay so my takeaways from reading the wiki are 1. there are multiple archives. or other past archives anyway. and 2. Eye monsters. spoooky. 

alright time to play again

oohhohnoh not the first archivist

some lingered?

the panopticon calling? Oh shit 

we’re gonna meet more beholding avatars!!

Oh, wait what about the travelling thing? I guess they can travel then, huh. *shrugs*

If- when we defeat the eye :’0

WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU

OHH NOOOOOO

we’re having this conversation D:

maybe he’ll survive? best case scenario

auuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhh auhghh 

If they find a way to destroy them 

i’M NOT GOING TO BE OKAY

SURVIVE BUT LOSE SOMeTHING

LEFT OF YOU WIHTOUT IT

DIE

AHHHHHHhh

STOOOP STOP STOP STOP

DON’T TALK ABOUT IIIIIIIIIIIT

*crossing fingers and holding out hope for a combo of ending 1 and 7* fuck fuck fuck fuck

i keep having to fucking pause

“martin when the time comes i need you to promise me you won’t try to stop me” oh god oh god D’:

“I promise. I love you Jon.” “I love you too”

*crosses off an I love you exchange off the bingo card* fuck, that’s a bit early hope it happens again

“But i’m not going to doom the world over it” ahfhhf,

that’s not what you said to that manifestation of yourself in your own domain, Martin.....

oh no

Bad end number 320235: Martin selfishly dooms the world to save Jon

fuck i hate that nooooooooo

:(

oh i shouldn’t of paused there lol

promise me you’ll do everything in your power to live oh my god,, </3

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa “i promise”

fuck “I promise” exchange

i hate these conversations, me too,

talk about the weather, aww,ww,w

i couldn’t understand that last line i’ll have to relisten

Georgie and Melanie time!

GOING TO SEE HIM LIKE THAT?

WHO?

WHAT

WHat

Really sets the mood

Mood for private contemplation??

Who? WHo’s HEE?

Oh it’s the Admiral

ohhhhhhhh okay

Pull him out like the others?

awww

Dream of a giant muderous tunnel cat

“HON” 

OH MY GOD

“’HON”

CANON PET NAME CANON PET NAME CANON PET NAME

uh oh... getting involved will only make things worst.............

I just don’t like him lmfaoooo

rought ime of it

HONEY? HONEY?????????????? AAAAA :D

you’re actually quite similar lol

hate consistantly

----

pausing again to dream about an au where martin and melanie are roomates in a sitcom and martin is pining over jon and melanie fucking hates jon and she’s like “you have such shit taste in men,” 

Meanwhile, Melanie has a crush on this podcaster and Martin makes fun of her constantly for it until my gosh, they meet! In real life! And hit it off!

And they work together for a bit and become close friends. And then one time Melanie works up the courage to ask Georgie for coffee. Georgie is ecstatic but she desperately needs moral support so her friend and ex Jon goes with her. And Melanie needs moral support so Martin goes with her. And they show up, and due to sitcom shenanigans Martin and Melanie think that Jon and Georgie are a couple, while Jon and Georgie think Martin and Melanie are a couple and everyone is extremely upset about it. Maybe they try and make each other jealous.

Then everything clears up and they all laugh about it. But will they find out about each other’s real feelings? Find out in the next episode!

---------------

okay okay okay back to the episode lmfao

What can they do for them? OKay can’t find a way 

Things down near the stairs?????? THe what??

Doing it again??? Doing what? 

Overcompensating, ahhh!

Not even if it was just the two of us aww

Oh, Melanie, even a small change aww

YOU CAN GET BACK TO THE PODCAST DFLJSDFJL

nightmare zone of shitty ad reads

RECORDING ONE WHILE RECORDING ONE

plot twist, georgie caused the apocalypse with that script

ARUN’S LATEST HYMM

bully arun time

jon and martin unsupervised lol

i want my cat back aww

well that’s it. The magus archives is a podcast. 

#tma spoilers #wow #tma liveblog

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

#long post #hinatalks #we live in a society #fr fr #when i die....if god is real..i´ll end this once and for all. all of it #i am left with nothing but pain and anger.... i cant even feel anymore. i think i forgot how to

[sickteeth-archive]

hello! feel absolutely no obligation to respond to this im just curious/wondering. what is dissociation for you? could you explain what it feels? I feel like i might experience it too but i dont know (im not going to self diagnose). anyways, even if you decide not to answer, i hope you have a wonderful day! ☆♡

hey anon ! thank u for being so respectful :)) i’m like half dissociating rn but i will do my best to form sentences in my head. i’ve struggled with dissociation since i was a child but it’s how it affects me has changed over the years (as i gained a shit ton of trauma lmao). i used to get like hardcore episodes of dissociation where i would be completely unresponsive, unable to move, barely hearing what’s around me. these days i’m honestly just casually dissociating for weeks on end with like 2 second realizations that i’m tapped out and then it hits again and i forget i’m dissociating lol

anyways here are things i experience ! :

memory loss, i’d say that my memory problems are partially due to my head trauma and my just truama trauma and that i’ve been on meds forever ,, but anyways, when i’m dissociating my like 90% of my memories are fuzzy/blurred

losing time, sometimes literal hours will pass and i don’t realize it

eating/drinking/self care, i have a really hard time remembering to eat and drink and take care of myself when i’m like long term dissociating, sometimes it’ll be 8 pm and im like oh fuck i didn’t drink or eat anything today

(there are rlly prolly more symptoms but both my braincells are just non functional rn)

i experience depersonalization (feelings of being not real, feeling like you’re not a real person, feeling very disconnected to my physical body) and derealization (thinking things happening irl aren’t real, feeling like you’re in a dream) as well

pls remember that everyone’s dissociation and symptoms can present differently! if you’re feeling like you might be having struggles with dissociation i recommend you reach out to a mental health professional :))

#voidposting #asks n answers #im sorry this is so long :// #dissociation #tw dissociation #tw memory problems #tw head trauma #derealization #depersonalization #tw therapy #tw unreality #long post #tw long post

[ask-gpt]

carcatGenetics [CG] begun trolling echoBiologest [EB]\nCG: DUMB, YOU ARE DUMB\nEB: wow, ok>??\nCG: SHUT UP. HA, OWNED\nEB: cyber bulying is against the law you know\nCG: IM DONT HAVE TO FOLOW EARTH HUMAN LAWS BECUASE IM AN ALIEN IDIOT\nEB: you are making me feel bad about my self so stop\nCG: YOU JUST GOT TROLLED LOL\ncarcatGenetics [CG] is not trolling echoBiologest [EB] any more\n

carcatGenetics [CG] begun trolling echoBiologest [EB]CG: DUMB, YOU ARE DUMBEB: wow, ok>??CG: SHUT UP. HA, OWNEDEB: cyber bulying is against the law you knowCG: IM DONT HAVE TO FOLOW EARTH HUMAN LAWS BECUASE IM AN ALIEN IDIOTEB: you are making me feel bad about my self so stopCG: YOU JUST GOT TROLLED LOLcarcatGenetics [CG] is not trolling echoBiologest [EB] any moreCG: I feel sorry for you though im so sorryfrienne: how the fuck do you feel? i hate this world, all these terrible people who dont have fucking lives to live in and are just so fucking selfishCG: but we can never afford to lose them, not as much as those idiots, who literally made the fuck upCG: i am too scared to be the ones to diegavin: "Hey, I'm just getting started because I'm trying to make friends. I'm trying to figure this out at the fucking table"[15:30:45PM] CG: hahahahCG: "No no no no!"[15:30:46PM] [Client thread/INFO] [Pam's] Client-Pam's has been disconnected.[15:30:48PM] [Client thread/INFO] [Pam's] Finished downloading: [15:30:48PM] ccpid: c8a7f3fb-6b6d-43c3-894a-c5e7d3ed3b0: PAM_TPB_ERROR_LOG: Cc: D_FETCH_INITIALIZED: Unsafe resource "C:\Users\Nathan\AppData\Local\Java\1.8.0_60\bin\minecraft\resourcepacks\Faithful.zip"[15:30:48PM] ccpid: c8a7f3fb-6b6d-43c3-894a-c5e7d3ed3b0: PAM_TPB_ERROR_LOG: Cc: D_FETCH_INITIALIZED: Unable to load resource "C:\Users\Nathan\AppData\Local\Java\1.8.0_60\bin\journey\journey.zip" or not[15:30:48PM] [Client thread/WARN] [jewelrycraft]: WARNING, There are currently no objects bound to this item.[15:30:48PM] [Client thread/INFO] [Pam's] Client-Pam's has been disconnected.[15:30:48PM] [Client thread/INFO] [Pam's] Finished downloading: [15:30:48PM] ccpid: c8a7f3fb-

#gpt-2 #ran out of output space #a-blessed-feline

[popesona]

people who throw the word transtrender left and right and claim that people are all faking whatever to gain snowflake points unless they have debilitating and obvious dysphoria aren’t helpful lol you can point out that cis women can feel dysphoria because womanhood is a scam and that not feeling totally comfortable with femininity doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a trans boy or non-binary without being Like This because being Like This just makes people who are questioning and unsure and unable to fully identify dysphoria feel even worse, as if we chose to go through this fuckery because it’s fun and games and we’ll receive cookies from The Woke Elite

at least for me, gender questioning isn’t an enjoyable experience. i didn’t even begin questioning my gender because i was immersed in gender/trans discourse or because i was stereotypically masculine and this made me think “oh maybe i’m non-binary/a boy” i’ve never been masculine, i wasn’t that immersed into this discourse and when i saw things about it, it didn’t personally resonate with me, i never was like “oh being trans is special/cool/interesting i wonder how it’s like” or whatever, shit just happened. i started looking at androgynous people/androgynous clothing, especially androgynous men, and being like HM I WISH I LOOKED LIKE THAT, when people would [acknowledge something associated with men in me] i’d be weirdly glad and felt some anxiety/distress over it but mostly i brushed it off because who cares

then months later i got increasingly more agitated about my looks but not specifically about my sex characteristics and then i started presenting more masc and suddenly my self-esteem was better than it had ever been before, but it was still shitty and when i walked on the streets i’d feel [ugh] knowing people would read me as a tomboy instead of a feminine boy and from that it just spiralled down, i had to tell someone because i was having dreams about this often and feeling great amounts of anxiety and guilt and shame

communicating this/exploring what i was feeling led to zero cookies, it just led to putting my relationship at risk, a lot of distress over meeting guys on tinder who thought i was a guy and having to be like “so..”, my aunt being like why do you want to wear men’s clothes and shit like that, and it’s not fun to have this like a cloud hovering over my head plus the emotionally stunting “BUT MAYBE IM MANUFACTURING ALL OF THIS FOR ATTENTION AND SNOWFLAKE POINTS AND IM A TRANSTRENDER OR WANTING TO ESCAPE OPPRESSION OR I JUST HAVE REALLY FUCKING SHITTY SELF-ESTEEM MAYBE I’M INVENTING A REASON TO SUFFER BECAUSE I’M A BYRONIC SELF-ABSORBED PIECE OF SHIT”

even though what the fuck would i gain from this. i’m hesitant to even post about this here. i’m hesitant about talking about this with my therapist and with my closest friend who supported me. i have no other active social media, i’m irrelevant/not participative on tumblr to gain any validation among groups who are affirming towards trans people, my friends are cishet as fuck, unaware/dismissive of most of the discourse that happens here about the specifics of lgbt people, i’m not involved in any lgbt groups irl, people on dating apps are weird as fuck with this, my family would snap and pastors would be coming to my house trying to pray for me, what the fuck could i gain with this dfjytioopktlçfdglyok

and how i’ve said in the beginning i know full well that discomfort with gender related stuff can come from not only being trans and that a lot of cis women might feel like they’re not quite women because they don’t fit a stereotypical role, because they’re not pretty like the standard, because they’re gnc, or that dysphoria can overlap with body dysmorphia or shitty self-esteem or dude whatever, everything can happen

but i don’t even feel a disconnection with a lot of the roles i was assigned as a woman. the most disconnection i feel is with being soft and pretty and angelical because i feel like an ugly cavernous goblin even when i’m technically being pretty, but overall im what you’d call feminine. i think girly clothes are cute, my mannerisms are feminine, my tastes and traits are stereotypical, i’m more emotional and passive and i relate to hysterical woman in fiction but still when i think about people perceiving and treating me as a boy, not being able to tell i was born with a pussy and about having the physical traits cis men have (not all of them though and this is another source of AM I FAKING IT) i feel ‘yes id like this’ and it’s a Big Oof. this happened overnight as fuck so i’m still not being able to process and accept this

also i know that to others i’m more beautiful when i look like a gender-conforming cis girl, still my self-esteem only improved significantly without needing external approval when i started looking more like a boy. i look at some of my girly photos and i can be like “ok im pretty in this” but the ones i like the most are my looking-like-a-boy photos even if others would disagree that they are better 

plus i hate m*n and when the questioning arised, even if very vaguely i was like LOL NOPE NO WAY I CAN RELATE TO THIS CATEGORY OF SCUM ON ANY LEVEL so i’d have to come to terms with that and i’m not ready TRRJIGHFKJG

#this is a long ass post #about gender questioning #and dying #personal

[machinedramon]

Im gonna be honest, i know 0% about transformers but how enthusiastic you seem to be about it is really the best. Whats your favorite thing (or things) about it?

haha well my enthusiasm is honestly in an echo chamber at the moment because I have no one to properly talk to about it because no one I know is into transformers

Well no, I have one friend, but he's not into the comics. I am into the comics. He's into the cartoons. I am not. there is a...disconnect. although sending him out of context panels and plot points gets fantastic reactions.

I'm on a rant here so hopefully this read more will work and I'll spare everyone the length/spoilers or not thanks for being a functional website tumblr

honestly my favorite anything is really just a couple of comic book lines in the IDW verse, but they're all great. They're very well written, the art is great, and the characters are all unique individuals. And any story that makes me want to throw my phone because of how upset I am over a character dying is a winner.

One of the best things is the fact that a lot of LGBT themes are so commonplace. In a society where people are A) predominately "male," B) just being introduced to the idea of a different gender, and C) unable to reproduce, relationships wind up being "other" just as a matter of course since traditional gender roles don't exist. And they're all treated as no big deal. Two characters of the same gender get together, no one bats an eye. "I go by she now," no one bats an eye. It's refreshing that things that are such a huge point of contention for no good reason are just everyday occurrences that no one judges anyone for. In fact, theres only one "hetero" couple I can think of off the top of my head. It makes me hurt in a very bittersweet way.

Even mental illness is a real thing that isn't ever treated as anything other than such. Fortress Maximus and Crankcase have demonstrable PTSD, Misfire has ADHD, Whirl has BPD, Swerve suffers from depression, Skids is an amnesiac, etc. Krok even wants to open up a mental health clinic, because he recognizes that after four million years of war, everyone has troubles they need a safe place to talk about.

Bad guys are made into sympathetic characters with good traits and dreams that have been corrupted. Megatron was a peaceful but disenfranchised miner with poetic dreams of revolution who experienced violence from the privileged rulers of society and police, and let his anger take over to catastrophic effect. Starscream was someone who felt lost no matter where he was, and only wanted acceptance but didn't know how to attain it without manipulation and suffered for it. Of course there ARE completely awful bad guys (looking at you, Overlord/Tarn/Onslaught/Galvatron...) and despite them having mostly reasonable motivations, they're still monstrous.

The "good guys" aren't infallible. And it's not a "lol whoopsie, I made a forgivable mistake" kind of shit, either. After the war is over, the Autobots stick explosive chips inside the heads of the Decepticons that keep them from changing shape and will detonate if they use lethal force. The fuck!!! Prowl is such a conniving asshole that he gets mind controlled by some loyal Decepticons and no one except for Batshit Crazy Berserker Queen Arcee notices because murder was completely in character for him. Bumblebee decides the best way to react to Starscream trying to talk to him is to shoot him. Rodimus tries to violate a demi-god's mind to gain access to his memories, and banishes his best friend so he doesnt have to take responsibility for nearly killing everyone on board his ship. Optimus Prime annexes Earth without consulting anyone and uses people's faith for his own gain. The Autobots all have flaws that cause them to make serious mistakes, and they're all the better for it.

Like the whole thing is just everything I've ever wanted from a story. Everyone has their flaws, everyone has their shining moments. Good guys that are unrepentant murderers and thugs, bad guys who are honorable and well-intentioned, and then people caught in the middle trying to survive amid the tension. Then the second half is a society that has been split down the middle and subject to four million years of war trying to adjust to the lack of it.

It's just amazing that a bunch of thirty foot tall robots can feel so human and identifiable. Even if someone isn't interested in comics or the Transformers, I would still recommend the IDW comics. There's even anthologies put together in chronological order to make it easier.

Idk it just makes me happy, and those things are in very short supply these days.

edit: paragraphs got out of order somehow. thanks Tumblr.

#long post #just in case the readmore doesnt work #if it doesnt im so sorry #thanks for asking! i havent had an opportinity to really talk about it in a long while #i managed to keep my excitement under wraps for a while now but i recently started rereading the comics and i cant contain it anymore #i love all these dumb bots #i wanted to include panels but theyre only tangentially related #and just in case tumblr decides it wants to be a functioning website(tm) and not include a readmore then i dont want to make people suffer #also idk if the ask will show 100% its only showing the first half of the ask #which is weird