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fullhalalalchemist · 10 months

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🚨🚨CONGRESS SECRETLY TRYING TO SNEAK IN EARN IT ACT COPYCAT INTO MUST PASS SPENDING BILL (PLEASE READ EXTREMELY IMPORTANT)

July 20, 2023 Congress is right now determining what is included in a must pass spending bill the NDAA. Often congress will sneakily add as amendments their bills that they can't pass in a normal setting.

If you remember, I made a previous post about EARN IT being reintroduced here.

The EARN IT Act and it's copycats are bipartisan bills that will greatly censor if not completely eliminate encryption and anything sexual and LGBTQ+ from the internet, globally. Anything the far-right doesn't like will be completely gone. The best way to stop them is to use https://www.badinternetbills.com/ to call your senators.

Following it's initial introduction earlier this year was massive opposition from human rights, LGBT, tech, political groups, and grassroots groups. Bc of this, the senators decided to remake the bill but give it a new name, so they can still pass Earn It without actually passing Earn It. Those bills are the Stop CSAM Act (yes really, they actually named it that), and the Cooper-Davis act.

The entire point of these bills is to mass surveil and censor everyone and I don't know why more people or senators speak out against it. There is a direct timeline from when the Attorney General Barr (under Trump) said he wanted to do this to it's initial introduction in 2019, and how the senators explicitly knew they couldn't actually say that so they lied and said it was about "stopping CSAM" or "stopping drugs" for Cooper-Davis Act.

These bills essentially do the following:

they gut encryption, the one thing actually protects you from having your data seen by anyone. Do you want republicans to know you're trans? that someone had an abortion? that they spoke out against the govt? to see your private photos you have uploaded to the cloud? to see what porn you watch? if youre a journalist, or an abuse survivor, any hacker or abuser can see your stuff and track you.

they gut parts of Section 230, the one thing that allows anyone to post online and birthed social media. Previous gutting into 230 gave us the tumblr nsfw ban and killed that site.

they create an unelected commission with some already established govt body (DOJ, FTC, etc) that will include law enforcement and people from NCOSE or other Christian conservative groups who will decide what is and isn't lawful to say. no citizen can vote who's on this commission, and the president gets to pick. it's like the supreme court, but for the internet.

lead to mass censorship and surveillance because of the above

We have until the end of the month to stop this, but this can be added literally any moment until then. It's literally code red. If this is added it goes into effect immediately. The BEST way to stop this is to drive calls and emails to the senate. https://www.badinternetbills.com/ connects you directly to your members of congress & gives you a call script.

It is ESSENTIAL to call the Senate leaders who can stop this. Here's a more precise call script you can use: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1huD5Ldd1lPTECYTEb9Gg2ZzrqW6Y9tryHT-MdjOl8kY/edit

All these people expressed concern over Earn It, so we need to press them hard to not allow it's copycats Cooper-Davis or Stop CSAM into the NDAA. This is URGENT and needs all hands on deck. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) (202) 224-6542 Maria Cantwell (D-WA) (202) 224-3441 Jon Ossof (D-GA) (202)-224-3521 Alex Padilla (D-CA) (202) 224-3553 Cory Booker (D-NJ) (202) 224-3224 Mike Lee (R-UT) (202) 224-5444

Please please please spread this message and blow up their phones.

TLDR; The Senate is trying to quietly push the Earn It Act's copycat bills into the must pass NDAA, which will lead to mass censorship and surveillance online by gutting Section 230 which is the entire reason you can even be on tumblr and why the internet exists, killing encryption which put everyone's lives in danger, and appointing far-right people to a supreme court-esque commission that the president has direct control over. They could be added in ANY DAY and we need to push hard to stop it before it gets to that point. CALL YOUR SENATORS **NOW** BY USING https://www.badinternetbills.com/ AND CALL THE SENATE LEADERSHIP AND SPREAD THE WORD!!!!

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gudriin · 1 year

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#just thinkin how dr0w elv3s hit all my aesthetic points #me thruout my childhood and thru my rime of playing videogames accidentally making characters that look like them and still never knowing #anything ab dnd until 2019 what hello #thinkin bout...martecia #i could TOTALLY repurpose her as a drw oc...#always me and how i can Repurpose My Old Ocs For Dnd Use #my all time favourite OC Loukanos - who i totally didn't commission 9 times - was the first aion character ive ever made back in 2013 #(fun fact)#my wifs amd i ran around poeta and verteron for a whole year fuckin around those were GREAT times #i miss aion i miss when itwas great i miss my aion friends idk #also just miss the creative influence ir had over my only long-term ocs i have #(Loukanos Maikel and Jordin)#im jusr rambling tho #rambles

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noirandchocolate · 23 hours

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RICE Alzheimer's Research Institute

Terry died on 12 March 2015, having given his PCA a run for its money. Open about his diagnosis, he has helped to unlock the secrecy and stigma that often surrounds dementia. His legion of fans is undoubtedly grateful that despite the inevitable progression of the PCA he was able to fight his ‘embuggerance’ and continue to produce a number of both well-received and well-reviewed books. Terry was also a great example to me in emphasizing how important it is that, in caring for people with any type of dementia, we always look for what people with a condition like PCA can still do, rather than what they can’t: by maximizing what is possible, a person can still live well with dementia for a significant time.

–Professor Roy Jones, Director of RICE (taken from “Terry Pratchett: His World”)

I wanted to post something for the Glorious 25th about the Research Institute for the Care of Older People (RICE) in Bath, where Sir Terry Pratchett received treatment for Post-Cortical Atrophy, the type of Alzheimer’s disease that eventually took his life. From the organization’s website:

RICE established one of the first memory clinic services in the UK in 1987 – a service which has since been widely replicated and is now considered standard and best practice by the NHS. In fact, RICE now runs the NHS Memory Clinic in Bath and North East Somerset on behalf of the local clinical commissioning group and local authority through a sub-contract with HCRG Care Group. To date, we’ve assessed, diagnosed, treated and advised 12,000 people with memory problems and their families in our memory clinic.

Most of RICE’s clinical services and research activities take place in our own purpose built, specialist centre located on the Royal United Hospital site. The building of the RICE Centre was possible as a result of generous donations from major donors, trusts and foundations, and members of the public. RICE moved into the ground and first floor of the centre in 2008. Following the success of the DementiaPlus Appeal and further generous donations from major donors, trusts and foundations and members of the public, RICE converted the attic floor in 2019 to create more office space. This has given us access to much needed additional rooms and offices which will enable us to grow and run more services and activities. We’ve worked hard to ensure that the areas of the centre visited by our patients meets their needs and we regularly receive feedback on how much our patients enjoy their visit to our centre.

RICE not only provides clinical services to patients, but also conducts research into aging and dementia, including performing clinical trials for new drug treatments for memory-related diseases and developing other “techniques for diagnosing, managing, treating and understanding dementia and memory changes in older adults.”

Lady Lyn Pratchett is the patron of the organization, and the website includes a page about how people can donate funds or volunteer at the clinic and participate in fundraising events.

SO, if you’d like to help fund Alzheimer’s research on this Glorious 25th of May–or at any time–in honor of the Man in the Hat, take a look!

#terry pratchett #gnu terry pratchett #discworld #alzheimer's #the glorious 25th of may #signal boosting is appreciated too!#i made this exact post last year too but i'm reposting it rather than reblogging the old one #so that this ends up in the fandom tags again and more people see it

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david-watts · 1 year

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maybe my earlier outburst was more indicative of my mood

#I want to fucking die that's all #I'm ending my fourth year of studies. in a two-year degree. and I'm still doing first-year subjects.#and I never actually wanted to study in the first place I'm literally only doing it for the money #$366 a fortnight plus the measly five bucks they add on top as 'rental assistance' in a state I don't live in #not that I'm complaining about that mind you $5 is $5 #but I can't wait for the moment the cunts realise and bill me for ten times the amount because robodebt hasn't ended it's just #rebranded.#I nearly became the only male in my family over the last few months and honestly it's killing me that I can't be seen as that if it were so #and i know it's selfish to say it because I know people have it far far worse but #genuinely lost any chance of being myself with covid being a thing.#lost any chance at running away I know I have some sort of stockholm syndrome even though ik that was a made-up term #I should've. saved up over 2019. made money with commissions worked myself to the bone with that #since school nearly killed me anyway #what's even changed since 2018! I still spend every day on my bed and get yelled at for I have nowhere else to go #I still get shamed for not eating what my grandmother wants. she still yells at me if I don't eat her cooking.#don't really want to be in the world to be honest.#if I'd just. left at the start of 2020. not taken my flight home that day. left to go somewhere else #I've wanted to run away and leave since I was thirteen for fuck's sake #not that i knew it. but #there's a common theme in my writing and it's the moment the character has to leave home. the start of the hero's journey.#but I don't have a hero's journey I'm not a character I'm a person who can't even. I can't even function half the time #if I'd just left and if I'd just focused on actually being good at things instead of pretending to keep up appearances #I should just let myself die. wouldn't that be better for literally everyone

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pianta · 5 months

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my 2023 art summary! ✦ after struggling immensely last year (getting covid, becoming houseless), i finally feel like i'm landing back on my feet. this year i focused on healing, prioritizing my own health and saying fuck it, imma do what brings me joy. not constantly being in survival mode anymore has helped me become happier in the process and hopefully it reflects in my art. also, i got an agent now! next year is gonna be pretty good i think 😁🤞🏽 thanks to everyone who stuck around and supported, commissioned or donated to me, or even just left nice comments - you are the reason i’m still here and it's helped me more than you know! 💕 let's continue to inspire each other next year!!! 💖

2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022

#art summary #year in review #art #illustration #artists on tumblr #naoart

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neil-gaiman · 1 year

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Hi Neil!

I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but I'm concerned about David Tennant's family being involved in the second season of Good Omens (or Michael Sheen's partner Anna Lundberg in a future season three). I absolutely have nothing against them, I loved Staged just like everyone else, but this is exactly the matter for me: casting them in the series would automatically make me think about Staged or something else while I'm watching GO, and it would distract me from the plot and the magic of it. It would feel somehow like a family reunion, no matter how talented they are as actors (not to mention that there would be nepotism accusations, above all against David. I hope this won't affect the popularity rating, since season three is still hypothetical). I'm not the only one who thinks this might be an issue, from what I read on blogs here on Tumblr (and on the Internet in general) but I feel like there's a sort of tension, like people are scared to say it out loud, because some fans get the wrong idea and accuse them of hating Georgia or Anna or Ty (and that's why I'm asking this anonymously, I don't want to start a fight). I hope you get what I'm saying, it only felt fair to me to let you know whatever concerns some fans might have, and maybe even give you a perspective you weren't considering? Of course you have the last word on this, and if you think this is not a big deal, I trust your judgement.

I wish you a fantastic day! (And sorry for my English, I'm not native, I tried my best!)

Yeah. So, I find that a little creepy, not very creepy, but definitely a bit.

I thought we were lucky to get Peter Davison in Good Omens 2. (He didn't audition. We offered him the part, as I've been a fan of his since 1978, and All Creatures Great and Small. He crushes it, and is heartbreaking, funny, and still somehow the moral compass of the episode he's in.) Ty Tennant auditioned, along with a number of other actors, and got the part because he did it best. (I didn't know who his family was when we cast him. I just liked the audition tape.)

If you're hunting down family connections, David's mother-in-law, Ty's grandmother, Sandra Dickinson, is in the Audible Sandman, too, as one of the Three Witches/Fates/Eumenides etc. And she was cast in it two years before David Tennant (although probably around the same time Michael Sheen was asked to be Lucifer). (I've been a fan of Sandra's since she was Trillian in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in 1981.)

Anyway, I'm sorry you're worried about Peter and Ty's performances, although I promise you have nothing to worry about, and I'm sorry that you worry that our possibly casting Georgia and Anna in a hypothetical and not-yet actually a real thing Season 3 might make people think of Staged and make them not able to enjoy Good Omens any longer. (Had I known people were this easily shaken I wouldn't have appeared in Staged either, in case my name at the front of Good Omens shattered the fragile illusion and revealed to people that the David Tennant and Michael Sheen who play Crowley and Aziraphale are actors.)

Starting in 2017 I was the recipient of mind-mangling quantities of Tumblr abuse for casting David Tennant and Michael Sheen as Aziraphale and Crowley, which was, many people made very clear to me, the worst casting in the whole entire utter history of casting, and something that Good Omens would never recover from, because for a start neither of them looked like the versions in people's heads, and I'd also miscast them badly because everyone knew that if you had to cast Sheen and Tennant, Michael had to play Crowley and David had to put on some weight and play Aziraphale. (It wasn't until May 2019 that people stopped grumbling.) So people worrying I'm going to cast Anna and Georgia in a season that hasn't even been commissioned in parts that haven't been written just makes me smile.

I hope this helps.

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inprogresspokemon · 2 months

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#Uhhh - Salazzle are a female-only species of Pokemon that utlize a powerful pheromone to attract and control male Salandits; competitions between Salazzle is decided by which one has amassed the largest reverse harem of underlings. If a Salazzle begins to grow, lighten in color, and develops an unusually provocative behavior, something is clearly wrong because it may in the process of turning into a Basilust, and later a Lovander. Once a Salazzle has begun this transition, is it still even a Pokemon? Is it a Pal? The lines are a bit blurred here. It's advised to keep your distance from this nocturnal creature, which will be begin to actively pursue other species to join their inner circle of attendants.

Named: Salazzle - Basilust - Lovander

This April Fool’s Day addition is featuring my artwork of Lovander, a "Pal" from Pocket Pair's 2024 game Palworld.

Happy April Fools! Previous years: 2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022 | 2023

- - - - - - - - - -

Follow for more In-Progress… Palworld Pokemon?? evolutions!

FAQ | Social Media | Pokemon Index | Commission Information

#pokemon #april fools day #happy April Fools!#palworld #lovander #salazzle #basilust #I'm sorry I had to

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i-like-writing-stuff · 2 years

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retirement [five hargreeves x reader]

a/n: hi guys! it’s been a while hehe, so i hope ull enjoy this short x reader with the one and only five yall know i love sm, homeboy did not disappoint this season neither lmao. season 3 just premiered and i already have finished it:(

can i just say

WHAT THE ACTUAL FVUCK

either way, id b happy to discuss with yall opinions and such and also feel free to leave requests!

ill leave warnings at the beginning of each imagine if it shall be the case

i.e. this imagine takes place right in the first episode!!

also, forgive my english, havent really spoken in a while and dont even get me started on the writing

enjoy besties!

summary: now that the second apocalypse is over, five and y/n can finally retire and maybe finally make their moves?

“You know, Five... Sometimes I do wish I’d never met you,” You took a sip from your wine, watching as the preteen in question rolled his eyes playfully at you.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a delight as well, Y/N,” He nonchalantly dismissed you, continuing to eat his Chinese takeout.

After surviving not one, but two apocalypses alongside Five Hargreeves and his siblings, you guys wound up back in your timeline, only to find out your trip to the 60s caused some changes in the present, such as Sir Reginald Hargreeves deciding against adopting Luther, Diego, Klaus, Ben, Allison, Viktor and Five, and instead some seven other dickheads with superpowers.

Your encounter was far from pleasant.

Six months ago you were planning to retire from the Commission, since you were almost sixty and had had your fair share of missions, so you figured one last task with your partner, Five, would be the good way to end things. Well, one thing led to another and instead of taking out JFK, you woke up in 2019, in your preteen body, in an unknown backyard with unknown people, who turned out to be your partner’s siblings.

One thing led to another and you guys bonded over the span of 10 days in an attempt to save the world, but that is a story for another time.

After those 10 days, you time traveled once again and woke up in 1963, alone, in a school. Some teacher found you and took you in, thinking you were a lost 13 year old girl, but then again, that is a story for another time.

Six months passed until you reunited with the Hargreeves siblings in yet another attempt to save the world.

Two more weeks and you were back in 2019, but things did not go according to plan.

“Still don’t understand how you two have not banged yet,” Klaus shook his head disappointed, as Diego and Luther couldn’t help but not in agreement.

You tried not to blush, but Klaus’ bluntness always got the best of you. Spending this time with Five on top of being a teen again took a toll on you. You’ve known Five for long before the apocalypse. When the Handler recruited him, she trusted you to be his partner, since you were basically her right hand. The bickering was there even back then, but these past six months you started seeing him with different eyes, in a different light.

“I’d rather choke on chopsticks,” You were quick to deny any indecent thought, “You’re sick, by the way.”

“And you’re sixty, so bye,” Klaus smirked, hopping from his stool.

“Too retired to even bother,” Five shrugged his shoulders, watching as his two other brothers followed Klaus.

“I’m gonna get more food,” Luther lightly shrugged his shoulders, making his way to the buffet.

“I refuse to third wheel 13 year olds,” Diego stated, scratching the back of his neck.

You watched confused as the three men all left the table, leaving you alone with Five, who did not seem bothered at all.

“I’ll never get used to your brothers,” You shook your head, taking another sip from your wine, “You people are too much.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Five scoffed, watching as you were playing with your glass.

“So, retirement, huh?” You changed the subject, “What are your plans now that the world is safe?”

“I didn’t think much of it, to be honest,” Five shrugged, “Weren’t you supposed to retire after the JFK mission? What did you have in mind?”

You smiled softly, looking at your wine, “I was gonna buy a mansion in Italy, 1970s or so... maybe get a dog and cat, start producing my own wine... I don’t know, I didn’t plan much.”

“Of course there’s a lot of wine in your retirement plans,” Five smirked, as you playfully smacked his arm, “Ow!”

“You’re officially banned from visiting me in Italy,” You stated, biting back a chuckle.

“I wouldn’t have wanted to anyway,” Five lightly shrugged his shoulders, not once dropping his smirk, “Besides- you wouldn’t last a day without me.”

“Excuse you?” You scoffed, placing your hand on top of your chest for a more dramatic effect, “Last I checked, you were the one who dragged me along this whacky adventure.”

“Yeah, ‘cause I knew you’d be devastated at the Commission without me,” He replied with the same cocky air as usual, which made you ponder on the situation.

Is this Five’s way of flirting with you? During the time you spent together ever since operation Doomsday started back in the original timeline of 2019, there may have been a few... interesting moments to say the least. Like when he first opened up to you about being worried sick for his siblings, or when he gave you the tightest embrace after reuniting with you in 1963. There was also that time when you two held hands on your way to meet his father.

Moments like these that you couldn’t help but cherish with utmost happiness, but not once letting yourself get sidetracked. There was an apocalypse going on, neither of you had time for this.

But now?

Now there’s no apocalypse anymore. Granted, there still are some issues that would be best to fix, but it’s not like they’d bring the end of the world if not.

So, why not?

“If I didn’t know you any better, Five Hargreeves,” You smirked, leaning in closer to the boy, with your glass of wine in one hand, “I’d say you are flirting with me.”

Five shook his head amused, watching you sip your precious wine so close to him. If the wine was intoxicating you, you definitely were the one intoxicating him. It took him some while before he could accept that he had feelings for you, but he couldn’t say either that he was surprised when he realized.

He really felt like you were absolutely perfect, no doubt in his mind.

“And would that bother you?” Five raised a brow, resting his arm on the back of your chair, leaning in even closer.

“I can’t say it would be unpleasant,” You set down your wine, curious to see where this would go.

“You’re such a tease, Y/N,” Five rolled his eyes, “But... I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

“Will you just kiss me already?” You sighed, watching a genuine smile appear on his lips, as he leaned in, connecting your lips at last.

You cupped his face, melting into the long-awaited kiss. On one hand, you couldn’t believe this was finally happening, and on the other hand, you couldn’t believe this was actually happening. You and Five were finally done with apocalypses, trying to save the world and the Commission.

You could officially both retire.

“Does this mean I can visit you in Italy?” He whispered, as you two pulled away from the kiss, but still painfully close to one another.

“Ah, who can’t last a day without the other now?” You smirked, pulling him into another kiss.

#five x reader #five hargreeves #number five x reader #number five imagines #five hargreeves x reader #tua x reader #tua season 3 #The Umbrella Academy #the umbrella academy x reader

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thislifewasneverours · 1 year

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the idea to draw imogen and laudna as this still from céline sciamma’s portrait of a lady on fire (2019) came to me in a dream. might do more movie redraws with these two because digital painting is fun and rewarding!! even though drawing fabric takes so so long. I also included close-ups on some parts I’m proudest of.

if you’re interested in a digital commission feel free to dm me!! I also have a ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/thislifewasneverours

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hihomeghere · 8 months

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Meet The Family: Part of the Tesoro Series

Five Hargreeves / F!Reader

Word Count : 3k Summary : Five finds a way to return to 2019, you both break your contract with the commission and you meet your in-laws for the first time. Aged up!Five, reader has the ability to shapeshift. Fluff with a lil bit of angst if you squint. ( I do not own the umbrella academy or any of it's characters ) Warnings : Cursing, drinking, allusions to sex, talking about death

“Do you trust me?” Five asked, both of you standing on the grassy knoll. You nodded, staring into his eyes.

“Of course I do.” He wet his lips nervously, looking around.

“Okay,” he said, wiping his hands off on his pants. You grabbed his hand squeezing it.

“Hey,” he turned to look at you, “whatever happens we face it together, okay?” You squeezed his hand again, giving him a small smile. He nodded, returning the smile. Although his didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Hold onto me, okay?” He said holding your eye contact. You nodded, grabbing his bicep, gripping his gray coat sleeve. It definitely was a struggle, but slowly the blue portal opened. The wind whipped your hair in front of your face, Five’s yells grew louder. Suddenly his hands passed through the blue, with you following behind him. You felt your body warp as you pushed through. It was similar to changing, but your body wasn’t changing outwards, it felt like it was being turned in on yourself.

And then you were falling, fortunately for you, and unfortunately for Five, he broke your fall. You both groaned as you rolled off of him onto the wet pavement. You took in deep gasps of air, your hand coming to your chest as you closed your eyes. Tiny pebbles rubbed against your hands, getting stuck under your fingernails. You heard Five shuffle next to you, his feet scraping on the pavement as he stood up.

“Shit,” you snapped your eyes open, why did he sound so different? You gasped as your eyes fell on your husband. He was young, younger than when you had first met him. Early 20s, maybe?

“Does anyone else see Number Five and some girl or is that just me?” A man’s voice said. You looked up staring at a group of people you quickly deciphered as Five’s siblings. You looked down at yourself, your hands were still scarred, but they looked fresh. Like they had looked when you first escaped the lab, you shook your head. If Five was younger, then that meant you must be too. You felt your face, the wrinkles around your eyes were gone. You were young again.

“What’s the date? The exact date?” Five said walking around the kitchen. You felt yourself shrink under his siblings' gaze. Mainly Klaus who seemed enamored by you. You had already caught his gaze once and he had given you a strange little wave while criss crossed on the table. If he moved his knee the wrong way you were sure you would get to see a bit more than you wanted to of your new in-laws.

“The 24th.” Vanya said, still in disbelief.

“Of what?” Five asked exasperated.

“Of March?” She said her eyes never leaving Five.

“Good.” He continued making his peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich.

“So are we gonna talk about what just happened?” Luther spoke up, eyeing you warily, “And who the hell is this?” He whispered, leaning closer to Five. Five continued making his sandwich, refusing to meet Luther’s eyes.

“This is Y/n, my wife.” He said as though it was an obvious observation.

“Your wife?” Alison said, her head snapping to look at you.

“How’d you land her? Did you kidnap her?” Klaus snorted looking between you and Five. You smiled, looking down at your lap.

“We have bigger problems than Five’s girlfriend at the moment. It’s been 17 years!” Luther said standing up, Five scoffed turning to face him.

“It’s been a lot longer than that.” He said before he blinked behind him. “And she’s my wife, you’ll treat her as such, got it?” He said over his shoulder.

“I haven’t missed that.” Luther sighed, staring forward where Five once was. You looked at all the siblings. Vanya was the closest to you, she seemed timid. Alison was next, standing up with her arms crossed. Then Klaus, and Diego, who was staring daggers at you at the moment before he turned his gaze to Five.

“Where’d you go?” Diego asked, his eyes returning to you. You gulped, returning your gaze to your hands.

“The future. It’s shit by the way.” Five said grabbing marshmallows and blinking back to the table.

“Called it!” Klaus said, raising a finger.

“I should have listened to the old man.” Five sighed moving around the kitchen like he hadn’t been gone for more than a day. “You know jumping around space is one thing.” He opened the fridge door looking inside, “jumping through time is a toss of the dice.” He stood at the head of the table. “Nice dress.” He said, looking Klaus over.

“Oh, well danke!” Klaus smiled before Vanya cut him off.

“Wait, how did you get back?” She asked, putting her hands up, unable to comprehend Five’s nonchalant attitude.

“In the end I had to project my consciousness forward into a quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time.”

“That makes no sense.” Diego mumbled looking at the tile floor, “how did she get through.” His eyes flicked up toward you. You felt your face heat up, and you turned to look at Five.

“I opened the portal allowing her to follow, and it would make sense if you were smarter.” Diego jumped up, only being held back by Luther.

“How long were you there?” Luther asked.

“Forty five years. Give or take. Including my time spent at our old job.” The commission. You felt your blood run cold, how could you have forgotten? Did they already have a team out looking for you? Working long enough for the Handler you knew the workings of her mind. She could never get over the fact that you and Five were together. Call it jealousy, or call it the inability to completely control someone. You weren’t stupid, you saw how she looked at Five, it made your blood boil. She wouldn’t kill him, he was too valuable to her, you on the other hand were good as dead.

“So what are you saying? You’re 58?” Luther asked, all his siblings having the same confused expression on their face.

“No, my consciousness is 58.” He said before putting a slice of bread over his sandwich monstrosity. “Apparently my body is now 20 again.”

“Wait, how does that even work?” Vanya asked, shaking her head. Five took a bite of his sandwich before turning back to you. He picked up the newspaper sitting on top of the table.

“Guess we missed the funeral.” He said, no discernible tone in his voice.

“How’d you know about that?” Luther asked his eyes never leaving Five.

“What part of the future do you not understand?” Five said furrowing his brows. You looked up, Alison was looking at you this time. She offered you a small smile which you returned. Although it felt more like a grimace.

“Heart failure, huh?”

“Yeah.” Diego said before being cut off by Luther.

“No.” Five clicked his tongue walking over to you.

“Nice to see nothings changed.” He said before turning to you. His cold fingers brushed against your arm, his brows furrowed seemingly deep in thought. He grabbed your hand leading you out of the kitchen.

“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” Alison asked, throwing her hands up in the air. As Five pulled you after him.

“What else is there to say? The circle of life.” He said looking over his shoulder.

“Five come to bed.” You said leaning on the spare bedroom door. You pulled your robe tighter around your body crossing your arms. Five stood in front of his whiteboard, equation after equation covering the board. He hadn’t even changed out of his work clothes yet. His tie hung loosely around his neck, you could just imagine how he had been pulling at it. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his top two buttons were unbuttoned.

“In a minute, dearest.” He waved at you, his face never leaving the board. You sighed walking up behind him, wrapping your arms around him. You laid your head against his back, moving with him every time he leaned forward to change something. The only sound in the room was his heart against your ear and the squeak of the pen.

“Five,” you whined. He sighed, setting his pen down. He held your hands against his stomach.

“Yes tesoro?” He turned, moving you so you were standing in front of him.

“I’m tired.”

“Then go to bed.” He said as though talking to a small child. You rolled your eyes, giving him a look. He smiled before kissing your head. His mustache bristled against your forehead.

“Not without you.” If he wanted to treat you like a child, fine. You stared up at him through your eyelashes, your lower lip jutting out.

“Now that’s not fair.” He scolded, a smile on his face. You laughed breaking your pout, you took his hands leading him out of the room.

“Come on Mr. Hargreeves,” you cooed a smirk on your lips. He tried to glare at you, but slowly a smile crept on his face.

“What will you give me, Mrs. Hargreeves?” He teased his hands finding the tie to your robe.

“Guess you’ll have to find out.” You leaned forward whispering against the shell of his ear. He chuckled lowly, letting you pull him into your shared bedroom

He blinked you both up into his old bedroom. You sat on his bed staring at your hands. He opened up his closet, muttering under his breath.

“Well, the first meeting with the in-laws wasn’t too bad.” You said watching his back.

“Mm.” He grumbled, rifling through the closet.

“Are you okay?” You asked, sliding off his bed to your feet.

“No!” He snapped, turning to look at you, “We’re stuck in these bodies! The world is about to end and I have no idea what to do!” He yelled, running a hand through his hair.

“Hey, it’s okay, we’ll figure it out, we always do.” You soothed approaching him like a cornered animal.

“Yeah, how'd that work the last time?” He scoffed a sarcastic smile on his face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You asked, crossing your arms.

“It was the decimal! If I had had time to look over my equations I would have seen it.” He seethed, you recoiled.

“Are you saying this is my fault?” You furrowed your brows.

“Yes!” He threw his hands up, “If you wouldn’t have bothered me, we wouldn’t be in this situation!” He snarled his finger in your face. You grit your teeth, trying to keep your cool.

“Obviously you need some time by yourself.” You said coolly, walking away from him.

“Fucking finally.” He scoffed, shaking his head as you slammed the door behind you.

You flew down the stairs, all but running into Vanya.

“Oh,” you said as you bumped into her, almost losing your balance, “sorry.”

“It’s ok.” She says, “Are you ok?” She asks. You bite your lip, looking behind you.

“No.” You answer honestly, crossing your arms, “Your stupid brother is the biggest asshole I know.” You huffed.

“Yeah,” She smiled, chuckling slightly, “he can be a real pain the the ass.” You smiled looking back at her. You fell into an uncomfortable silence, before she said. “But he seems to really love you.” She gives you a smile.

“Well he’s got a funny way of showing it.” You shake your head.

“Five has never been the most emotionally mature person,” she chuckles, crossing her arms, “but none of us are, you saw that earlier.” You admired her honesty.

“I appreciate it, Vanya.” You smiled, touching her arm.

“Listen, if you want to take the edge off, dads liquor cabinet is that way.” She points towards a room off the atrium.

“Thank you, I might take you up on that offer.” You nod heading that way, “see you around.”

She smiles and nods as you walk into the living room.

You groan, immediately face to face with a large oil painting of your husband.

“Yeah I feel that way about my siblings more often than not.” Klaus says stretching on the couch. You jump, your hand coming to your heart. “Oh woah!” He sits up looking at you. “Your hair! How did you do that!” He smirks pointing to his own head.

You smile softly, changing your hair back to your normal color.

“I was genetically altered as a kid.” You say looking back at the smug smile of your husband.

“Dang, heavy stuff.” He says leaning back on the plush couch. “Want to get drunk?” He asks with a grin spreading across his face.

“Hell yes.” You laugh, turning to look at him. He jumps up clapping his hands together.

“Great! I was looking for an excuse to get into the old man’s alcohol.” He moves to the bar, every movement he makes is extremely fluid. Like he’s floating everywhere. You walk up to the bar, sitting on one of the stools. “Now hang on, missy,” he says, holding out a finger towards you, “are you old enough to drink? Let me see your ID.” You laugh, shaking your head.

“Technically I’m 45,” you say a grin working its way onto your face, “and I don’t have an ID.”

“No way.” Klaus says leaning forward on the bar, his hands clasped together. “You, 45? What’s your secret?”

You giggle, shaking your head, “A time traveling husband helps.” You shrug.

“Hmm, guess I need to find me one of those,” he muses as he hands you a glass. You study the glass in your hands, watching the golden liquid swirl inside.

“So how long have you been with Five?” He asks, swirling the alcohol in his glass before downing it.

“Um,” you hum looking up, “about 25 years, we’ve been married for 21.” You sip the alcohol, it’s good, maybe a brandy?

“Jeez, you stuck with that old geezer for 21 years? More than any of us.” He says, chuckling to himself. You nod, your lips forming a tight line.

“Yep.” You tense your jaw, downing whatever is left in your glass. Grimacing as the alcohol burns your throat.

“Enough about Five.” Klaus says, “Tell me about you, Mrs. Hargreeves, I mean I would be an awful brother-in-law if I didn’t know anything about my new sister.” He grins walking around the bar to sit next to you on a stool.

“I’m really not that special,” you chuckle, setting your glass down on the bar top.

“Mrs. I change my hair color when I’m surprised, isn't special?” He asks tilting his head, “What, did Five tell you that?” His brows furrowed as he recoiled.

“No, no he would never say that.” You wave him off.

“Well what else can you do missy?” He asked, leaning forward, a smirk pulling at his lips.

“Well, I can change my appearance to look like anyone I want. As long as I know what they look like.” You shrugged.

“Ooh! Do me! Do me!” He says, patting your arm excitedly. You smile before turning to face him.

He tried to stay still but his leg continues to bounce. You look him over once before you feel your body stretch. Your hair changes to a short curly brown, tattoos adorn your skin. Klaus’s grin grows by the minute.

“Holy smokes!” He exclaims looking at you, “Am I really that good looking?” You burst out laughing, maybe it was the brandy, maybe you were just having fun for the first time in a long time.

You change back into yourself, wincing as your head throbs slightly.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” He leans forward lowering his voice slightly.

“Klaus, I think every question you’ve asked me so far has been personal.”

“Have you ever,” he wiggles his eyebrows, “you know, changed in the bedroom?” You pull a grin on your face.

“Klaus!” You blush, feeling your cheeks heat up.

“Well? Have you?” He pushes his voice higher than before.

“No! Never!” You say waving him off.

“Oh come on! You don’t have to lie to me!” He pleads his hand resting on your arm.

“And I’m telling you Klaus, I’ve never changed during sex!” You whisper covering his hand with your own.

“Fine! Fine.” He says pulling away, “but if I find out you’re lying there will be hell to pay young lady!” He scolds half heartedly, you shake your head, a smile on your face.

“Yes sir.”

“Y/n?” Five stands in the doorway, his hands stuffed in his pockets. Klaus groans, throwing his head back.

“What do you want?” He asks glaring at him.

FIve ignores his brother, he adjusts his jacket looking up at you.

“Can we talk?” He pleads, walking toward you. You let out a sigh and nod.

“Yeah I’m going, I’m going.” Klaus says waving to the air, as if someone only he could see was pestering him. Once he’s past Five he turns flipping him off. You snicker, looking down at your feet. Five sits next to you at the bar, he reaches for you, taking your hand. You don’t pull away which he takes as a good sign.

You wait for him to talk, feeling his warm hand in yours. If you were anything, you were patient. Especially when Five came crawling to you on his knees.

“I’m an asshole.”

“Yep.” You say nonchalantly.

“I shouldn't have snapped at you, I just-“ he sighed, shaking his head, “I just screwed this whole thing up. I missed the decimal and changed our bodies forever.” He looked at your glass, avoiding your gaze.

“Hey,” you said, reaching out and turning his head to look at you, “I’m not mad at you for what happened. This-,” you motioned to yourself “I took this risk, and I’d do it all over again.” You reached up holding his face in your hands.. He leaned into your touch, his own hand coming up to caress yours.

“What did I do to deserve you?” He asked, shaking his head.

“Beats me.” You laughed, he rolled his eyes lightly shoving you. You smirked, pulling him closer, kissing him. He hummed smiling into the kiss, his hand wrapped around your waist. You cupped his cheek, rubbing your thumb over his jaw. You weren’t lying when you said it didn’t matter what happened, as long as you had Five next to you, you would be just fine.

#five hargreeves #tua #tua x reader #the umbrella academy #klaus hargreeves #diego hargreeves #luther hargreeves #alison hargreeves #viktor hargreeves #ben hargreeves #five hargreaves x reader #the umbrella academy x reader #fluff #a lil bit of angst #hihomeghere

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