#institutionalization

[soupmetal666]

I think something people don't understand or often misrepresent about psych wards in the US is that even if you sign yourself in voluntarily, you're often doing so because the alternative is being committed. They tell you you'll be able to leave whenever you want if you go in "voluntarily," but this is very often not true if, once you're admitted, they decide it's "too dangerous" or you're too unstable to let you leave. And then, you're essentially committed anyway. I see posts by people that make it seem like involuntary and voluntary stays are a sort of...binary thing at US hospitals/facilities and it's just not true. Or that voluntary stays are somehow safer or offer people more autonomy. If you go in, they have the final say about when you leave whether you're "voluntary" or not. They can ship you to a state hospital long-term against your will from a "voluntary" stay in a psych ward. I know firsthand. Just...look out for yourselves and your loved ones, folks.

#antipsychiatry #antipsych #institutionalization #psych wards #psych survivor

[hussyknee]

The young woman was catatonic, stuck at the nurses’ station — unmoving, unblinking and unknowing of where or who she was. Her name was April Burrell. Before she became a patient, April had been an outgoing, straight-A student majoring in accounting at the University of Maryland Eastern Shore. But after a traumatic event when she was 21, April suddenly developed psychosis and became lost in a constant state of visual and auditory hallucinations. The former high school valedictorian could no longer communicate, bathe or take care of herself. April was diagnosed with a severe form of schizophrenia, an often devastating mental illness that affects approximately 1 percent of the global population and can drastically impair how patients behave and perceive reality. “She was the first person I ever saw as a patient,” said Sander Markx, director of precision psychiatry at Columbia University, who was still a medical student in 2000 when he first encountered April. “She is, to this day, the sickest patient I’ve ever seen.” It would be nearly two decades before their paths crossed again. But in 2018, another chance encounter led to several medical discoveries reminiscent of a scene from “Awakenings,” the famous book and movie inspired by the awakening of catatonic patients treated by the late neurologist and writer Oliver Sacks. Markx and his colleagues discovered that although April’s illness was clinically indistinguishable from schizophrenia, she also had lupus, an underlying and treatable autoimmune condition that was attacking her brain. After months of targeted treatments — and more than two decades trapped in her mind — April woke up. The awakening of April — and the successful treatment of other peoplewith similar conditions — now stand to transform care for some of psychiatry’s sickest patients, many of whom are languishing in mental institutions. Researchers working with the New York state mental health-care system have identified about 200 patients with autoimmune diseases, some institutionalized for years, who may be helped by the discovery. And scientists around the world, including Germany and Britain, are conducting similar research, finding that underlying autoimmune and inflammatory processes may be more common in patients with a variety of psychiatric syndromes than previously believed. Although the current research probably will help only a small subset of patients,the impact of the work is already beginning to reshape the practice of psychiatry and the way many cases of mental illness are diagnosed and treated. “These are the forgotten souls,” said Markx. “We’re not just improving the lives of these people, but we’re bringing them back from a place that I didn’t think they could come back from.”

– A catatonic woman awakened after 20 years. Her story may change psychiatry.

#block JavaScript in site settings if article is paywalled #April burrel #disability #schizophrenia #lupus #mental illness #catatonia #chronic illness #institutionalization #psychiatry #medical science #healthcare #autoimmune disease #Washington post #knee of huss

[librarycards]

If one subscribes to an ideology that views people with cognitive, psychiatric, and other diagnoses as mostly incompetent, ‘child-like’ and unable to care for themselves or make meaningful decisions about their lives, then an idea such as independent living or living in a non-institutional setting is quite radical, which is why it was, and still is, so ferociously resisted. It may be useful to understand what one means by a ‘dependent population’ that cannot live 'independently,’ which is what many proponents of institutional and group home living say of people with significant disabilities. Two dimensions could be affiliated with the term dependency: first, dependency on the state for financial support, health care, and other provisions; second, perceived inability of people to engage in their own self care without assistance of others (Oliver 1990). Some disabled people seem to fit both definitions.

In everyday usage, dependence implies an inability to care for oneself and thus having to rely on other people’s assistance. Conversely, independence implies not relying on anybody and requiring no assistance, a concept tied to an individualistic ethos (Oliver 1990). Disabled people often embody a different definition of independence, as exemplified in the principles of the Independent Living Movement. Under this framework, independence is perceived as the ability to control one’s life, such as hiring one’s own aides, and deciding on daily routines. It is not understood to mean doing things without any help from others. When analyzing daily living in modern societies, it is hard to find situations in which any people are independent from one another. Thus, projecting dependence as a characteristic only of 'fragile’ members of our societies (i.e., elderly, disabled, and children) may seem natural, but it relies on a specific North American framework of rugged individualism (Ben-Moshe, Nocella, and Withers 2013).

If anything, in many cases it is societal attitudes that create dependence amongst elderly and disabled people. Inaccessibility of the built environment, patronizing attitudes, historical exclusion from schooling and the increasingly fast pace of life in modern societies are all contributing factors to the social construction of disability (Wendell 1996) and dependence (Oliver 1990). Dependence is not inevitable or inherent within these populations. Dependence was prescribed to people with disabilities, and the elderly, so it seems detached from 'normal people’s’ existence (Finkelstein 1993). An additional problem of the creation of forced dependence and infantilization is that it is often 'masked by loving care’ (Hockey and James 1993) of family members or professionals.

Liat Ben-Moshe, “Alternatives to (Disability) Incarceration”, Disability Incarcerated: Imprisonment and Disability in the United States and Canada.

#'dependent' is a political category & value judgement under neoliberal capitalism #for as long as independence is considered a perquisite for personhood - one which disabled/young people will always fail #liat ben-moshe #institutionalization #readings #disabiity #autonomy #ableism

[humanfist]

The hospital I work in really does try hard to make things more tolerable for our autistic patients. It’s never enough. Fix all of the contingent things, and you just bump up against the fact that humans were not designed to live in psychiatric hospitals, autistic humans least of all. I have met many well-intentioned people who believe that institutions are only bad because of stigma against the mentally ill, or insufficient budgeting, or ignorance of people’s true needs. These people should visit a nursing home someday. The people there don’t have some kind of exotic stigmatized hard-to-understand condition. They’re just old. Yet nursing homes and other institutions for the elderly have every bit as many problems as the institutions for autistic people. I don’t think that mental health institutions will get better anytime soon, because I would expect the average person to be a lot more concerned with nursing homes – where their grandparents live! Where they themselves will end up one day! – than they are with mental health institutions. If we can’t even get our act together on that one, what hope do we have for the harder problem? Having good involuntary communal living institutions is just plain beyond us as a civilization at this point. It has nothing to do with stigma or prejudice. Even if everybody loved autistic people exactly as much as they love their own grandmother, the best we could hope for is institutions that treat autistic people as well as they treat grandmothers. Which is to say, abysmally. -Slate Star Codex

#autism #aging #institutionalization #institutionalization cw

[systemofthestars]

The degree to which people say bad politics are caused by mental health issues is exhausting. People saying shit like "this person needs to be committed" is so angering. As a psychotic person who experiences delusions hearing people use those words as ad hominem attacks make me feel alienated and gross.

Just STOP, please, mentally ill people, including psychotic people, do not inherently have dangerous politics. We are not the ones doing mass violence, of course, some of us do, but the vast majority of people doing mass violence are not psychotic.

Mentally ill people can be dangerous, have shit politics, and be assholes. But so can people without any severe mental health issues.

Do not throw around the idea of institutionalized people, especially by force, if you don't get the problems mental health hospitals/units have. Do people not seem to understand the dark histories psychiatric facilities had, Not to mention the astonishing degree of violations, ableism, and violence people deemed "crazy" go through in psychiatric hospitals. Yes, we need facilities to give people higher levels of care. But being held against your will is traumatic. Being in underfunded/understaffed/under-regulated facilities is traumatic AF.

People who hear voices, people with dissociative disorders, delusional people, people with compulsions and all others considered crazy are not the real problem.

#our post #psychosis #ableism #saneism #delusions #institutionalization #forced hospilization cw #politics #OSDD #DID #actuallypsychotic

[osmanthusoolong]

“That approach would be carried out through legislation giving police officers the power to order someone to undergo drug rehabilitation in the "most extreme cases," where they pose a danger to themselves or others, said Public Safety Minister Kris Austin, in an interview.

"The objective always is to get people the help that they want but some people are so deep into their addictions that they simply can't make that decision," Austin said.”

This is so fucking evil. You can’t actually torture people into living how you think they should, and not being in pain.

@allthecanadianpolitics

#institutionalization #new brunswick #cdnpoli

[multiplicity-positivity]

Here’s some positivity for headmates who are depression holders!

Having a the system role of holding onto negative, harmful, or uncomfortable symptoms can be exhausting and challenging for any system member. Regardless of how well your system functions, it can still be so hard to be a symptom holder for something painful like depression! This post is for headmates who are depression holders in their systems!

Shoutout to headmates who have been sad or depressed for as long as they can remember!

Shoutout to headmates who struggle with active or passive suicidal thoughts!

Shoutout to headmates whose past traumas have caused them to hold their system’s depression!

Shoutout to headmates who appear upbeat, happy, and cheerful despite being their system’s depression holders!

Shoutout to headmates who are incredibly emotional and tend to cry or get upset easily!

Shoutout to headmates who willingly took on a depression holder role to benefit the rest of their system!

Shoutout to headmates who are taking medication, seeking therapy, or are in some other form of treatment for their depression!

Shoutout to headmates who don’t know how to properly cope with their depression, or who have harmful or negative coping strategies!

Shoutout to headmates whose depression has caused them to always feel tired, exhausted, despondent, or lethargic!

Shoutout to headmates who can’t just “snap out of it” when they’re depressed, and who feel sad more than they feel happy!

Shoutout to headmates who help their system function and take care of important tasks even while dealing with depression!

Shoutout to headmates whose depression has caused their system to be hospitalized or institutionalized in the past!

Shoutout to headmates whose depression has made it hard for their system to maintain proper hygiene, stay fed and hydrated, or even get out of bed!

Those who are depression holders serve vital, often thankless roles in their systems. To every depression holder out there, we want to let you know that we see you, we understand your struggles, and we’re wishing you the very best!

Please try to treat yourself with gentle kindness, even if it’s hard! Know that you’re an important member of your system just like the rest of your headmates, and you’re deserving of peace, comfort, and joy just the way you are! We hope that soon you can learn positive coping skills in order to allow your whole system a better quality of life. Until then, know that we’re rooting for you and we wish you the very best! Thanks so much for reading, and take care!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID.)

#multiplicity #pluralgang #plurality #actuallyplural #system positivity #plural positivity #plural pride #system pride #depression #depression holder #suicide #trauma #hospitalization #institutionalization

[punkstylerecovery]

I really think people underestimate how hard it is to get help for being suicidal. The "healthcare" system is so hostile towards disabled people and therapists aren't an exception.

What sort of safe environment can therapists foster for discussions about being suicidal when therapists are taught to threaten their patients that they'll be taken away to psych wards if they're "too mentally ill"? How can you discuss being suicidal when with some doctors, for some patients, the very mention is enough to get them institutionalized [which can involve the police]?

How can you "get help" when you're disabled or otherwise marginalized in some way that makes doctors think you don't deserve it?

How can you discuss wanting to die when the system put in place to "help you" only seems to encourage it?

#actually suicidal #suicide mention #disability #ableism #sanism #institutionalization #punkstyle #actually mentally ill #mad punk #ok to reblog as always #sorry to get heavy but #its a heavy topic #especially for someone like me ngl

[longreads]

The Top 5 Longreads of the Week

The incalculable human cost of institutionalization. An homage to rappers gone far too soon. A profile on the trans son of an anti-trans zealot. A summer camp that helps children to process grief, and bearing witness to the survivors of the 2020 explosion at the Port of Beirut. 

All this and our audience award winner in this week’s edition of the Longreads Top 5. 

#longreads #longreads top 5 #rap #institutionalization #profile #grief #summer camp #beirut

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Okay I know this is referring to a very specific phenomenon but takes like this still PISS ME THE FUCK OFF. Screenshot below.

STOP FUCKING MAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCE OF AND APPROACH TO THEIR ILLNESS ABOUT YOU.

Screenshot end.

[Image ID: two screenshots of a tumblr post which reads: ive been on tumblr a long time and i remember when everyone said "oh don't romanticize mental illness" and it was agreed that doing that was gross and a good way to kill people indirectly

but somehow we've come full circle and there are people who legit defend their right to be anti-recovery there are people who don't want to get better and spread the idea that you can't get better as if it's gospel and it's fucking frightening to me bc nobody seems to want to say "hey? this is toxic and untrue and is your disease speaking, and it's not something you should accept."

and i feel like every recovery post gets about 500 of these people saying "this isn't something that will work" "cool karen i'm depressed" "maybe it worked for you but it won't work for other people" and that's... just... im so sorry if you're 15. i'm sorry if you're in high school and watching grown adults tell you it doesn't get better. that nobody says that with time and help and patience the world stops being so heavy, that accepting your illness as a fact is one thing but accepting it as the only way to be is just wrong, that you can learn to live with it and still find some degree of "happy".... if i had seen this shit back when i was ... oh god starting at 12 when i was already self-harming .... i think i'd have actually honest-to-god killed myself. not a joke, not a funny tumblr punchline, i would have actually just killed myself.

i'm saying this right here and right now to the adults on this site. if you for any reason shoot down positivity that's causing no harm - you might have indirectly worsened someone else's condition, and you should try and do better in the future. if you find it necessary to tell people "recovery is a lie", you need to do better. i know everyone has different circumstances, but i also know that mental illness behaves in such a way that everyone thinks they can't recover. if you feel like you should be spreading the Word Of Relapse, you are causing toxic language to be normalized and you need to do better.

im team "cool karen ive got depression and that means i'm going to try this because i've got to try something" i'm team "romanticize recovery" i'm team "it isn't working now but it might in the future and it's worth staying to find out” im team “hey this didn't work for me but it might help somebody else out"

fuck guys it shouldn't be an unpopular opinion to say "i don't want any of you to die". /end ID]

Stop denying the autonomy of mentally ill and mad people and saying "this is just your mental illness speaking and if you think this you need to be forced to recover for your own good"!!! You're a huge fucking ableist if you do this! It's something I've fucking accepted because constantly fighting against it was causing me MORE HARM than learning to live as a person with mental illness, fuck off!

Some people genuinely can't recover! Get this, some people have MORE SEVERE mental or physical illness than you. How is this fucking different than saying "[medication] or [treatment regimen] made my MCAS/POTS go into complete remission, so why are you still experiencing anaphylactic episodes despite trying every possible intensive treatment/med?"

(I try to only use examples I have personal experience with whenever possible to avoid unintentional ableism. This one is especially apt though as depression and most mental illnesses are not an acute injury, but rather a chronic illness. Remission is possible for some people. At least currently, a "cure" isn't, and recovery is usually closer to management than complete healing. Ofc not all injuries can heal either, but I think it's more apt to compare apples to apples here.)

Also, depression isn't the only mental illness, double fuck off!

Get this, I know my own needs and my own brain and my own illness better than you, triple fuck off!

Like yes, don't shit on positivity posts. In the same way anti-recovery posts aren't for everyone, if a recovery positivity post isn't for you, just move on. Filter or block if you need to.

That being said, there's a difference between positivity posts and posts that say "recovery/this aspect of recovery is mandatory". That kind of "positivity" IS causing harm. Stating "hey this isn't mandatory for recovery and recovery itself is optional, do what helps you most even if that means remaining mentally ill" isn't fucking "spreading the Word of Relapse".

Also "maybe it worked for you but it won't work for everyone" is quite literally not an attack and CERTAINLY not anti-recovery. There isn't a single recovery tool on the PLANET that will work for everyone. That's just a fucking fact.

All I can think of when I see this is that OP probably reblogged that post that basically said "you need to brush your teeth, if you don't you're harming yourself and are therefore a Bad Person, and if you can't, you can actually and are basically just refusing to recover out of laziness I mean because you're not trying hard enough I mean because you don't want to and your poor mental health is basically therefore your fault." Because yes, that was the implication of that post.

Refusing to acknowledge that people can be disabled enough BY ANY ILLNESS to not be able to recover isn't actually helping mentally ill people.

Like, even setting aside that I literally romanticize my mental illnesses as a healthy coping mechanism (signed off on by my therapist, in case you only believe people certified by the oppressive institution known as psychiatry), even setting aside that I have mental illnesses that can't be cured and that I don't want treated in part or in whole (I don't want meds or therapy for my schizophrenia, I only want to achieve functional multiplicity with my DID, as examples)...

It's not "spreading the idea that you can't get better" to acknowledge that SOME people can't get better. First of all, fucking curate your own online experience. Second of all, me saying I will never live without severe anxiety, as one example, is exactly the same as me saying I'll never be able to navigate the world without a mobility aid. It's fucking acknowledging my material reality. It's better for ME to stop wasting all my energy on the stuff that I either fully can't do or that hurts me to try to do and focus on what PERSONALLY makes my quality of life better, even if it makes me MORE ILL.

Finally, even if someone CAN recover, they don't fucking owe you that! There is no moral imperative for them to recover! If them choosing to continue to be mentally ill (by which this post only means depression, but even then), is triggering to you, that's a fucking you problem.

Give people the tools to recover, but forced recovery is inherently a form of violence because it violates a person's autonomy! Why don't you focus on building a society where the social conditions responsible for a good portion of depression are simply gone instead of yelling at mentally ill disabled people on the internet who make choices about their own illness that you don't like?

And stop fucking saying "if you make a decision I disagree with, it's your mental illness speaking and you're not actually capable of recognizing that or of making your own decisions (and therefore need "rescuing")"!!!

That's the justification used for institutionalization and psychiatric abuse.

That's the reason so many psychotic people who are not harming anyone have their psychosis forcibly suppressed via nonconsensual medication. (And quite honestly, even for those few that are causing harm, there are other options besides "lose all autonomy" and "be harmfully medicated into an approximation of a sanist concept of normalcy that is actually just drugging someone into docile compliance". Make no mistake, antipsychotics themselves are not inherently harmless and DO require informed consent. Though I am all for their usage by people who DO grant noncoerced informed consent; I'm not anti-med, I'm pro-consent.

It's not "normalizing toxic language" to literally argue for mad liberation and respecting the autonomy of mentally ill people. To say "I actually know my own self and experiences best and can therefore say this is not coming from the mental illness" or EVEN "it is coming from the mental illness, but I am still capable of making the decision to choose this anyway, because mental illness does not make me inherently incapable of consent" (yes, even if it causes the brain to be in an altered state, stop with that paternalistic bullshit), isn't something you need to "do better" about.

Fuck off.

Another thing: why do these posts ALWAYS go hand in hand with childism. It's a bunch of "15 years olds being hurt by the meanie adults who say they can't get better" and "toxic evil adults harming kids by teaching them that it's okay to make peace with being unhealthy because what's best for people isn't universal and our idea of recovery is very rigid anyway as proven by the idea that accepting your mental illness as it is isn't recovery".

I see you, 15 year olds who ARE mentally ill and are writing about mad liberation and anti-recovery and are wildly more capable and coming up with ideas in those veins that are blowing us all out of the water. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you, and my only wish for you is that you find the peace, whatever that means, that is best for you.

Just...

"if I had read this at 12 I would have actually killed myself" I'm glad you didn't, then, but that doesn't mean the sentiment shouldn't exist.

If anti-recovery isn't for you, that's fine. What's not fine is acting like it's inherently harmful and is a form of violence against every mentally ill person ever. Because many of us have been harmed by a culture that is "pro-recovery" and its logical extreme, forced recovery.

#anti-recovery #anti psych #ableism #childism #sanism #psych abuse #forced recovery #autonomy violation #nonconsensual medication #forced medication #normalism #healthism #institutionalization

[cistematicchaos]

If anyone has resources on voluntarily institutionalization, what rights you have in psych wards and what to expect/how to prepare for committing yourself, pls share, I'm kind of lost rn and really need help.

#mad punk #cripple punk #disability #psych wards #institutionalization #chaos is speaking #/\ like really need help #i don't care if youre sharing personal stories #or articles #or other tumblr posts #i just really need to figure this out #actually disabled #actually mentally ill #feel free to reblog that might help tbh

[librarycards]

"Good" Institutions

The visitors came and talked today About how wonderful this place was No bars on the windows of this cage Sparkling walls showed no shit or blood

They said everyone was treated well The food was fresh and tasty too The people could walk outside if they want And then get better and go home

They extolled the virtues of this place In language amazed and sickening For it held its secrets, just as dark As any torture chamber you’d know

How do I know this? Because I heard It all from my table in the back room Chained and drugged — invisible — For the comfort of visitors everywhere

Mel Baggs (2004).

#giving feedback to some incarcerated poets n introducing them to mel.... sie was right every time #mel baggs #words #mine #institutionalization #ableism #saneism

[dailyhistoryposts]

On This Day In History

March 30th, 1981: John Hinckley, Jr. shoots (but fails to assassinate) US President Ronald Regan, attempting to impress actress Jodie Foster.

Hinckley was found not guilty by reason of insanity and institutionalized for over three decades. Today, he sells paintings on Etsy and releases music on Youtube.

#history #ronald regan #us history #regan #john hinckley jr #etsy #youtube #mental health #mental illness #institutionalization #death #assassination #jodie foster

[veganpropaganda]

[Instagram post from @/unoffensiveanimal:

SINDRE HAS RECEIVED LETTERS - PRISONER SUPPORT

After initially not getting any mail inside prison, we are happy to hear that Sindre now has received letters. Through his support groups, Sindre expresses gratitude to all people who writes to him.

Sindre feels a little better. He has recently been moved to another department within compulsory forensic psychiatry. Keep writing letters to Sindre!

The address is, Sindre Annasson Persson Rudolf Jonassons väg 25b, 24136 Eslöv Sweden

(Sindre is an animal rights activist, from so-called Sweden. In October 2023, Sindre was sentenced to forensic psychiatric forced care, without end date, for actions against a former fur farmer)

LOVE AND SUPPORT]

#prisoner support #animal liberation #psychiatrization #institutionalization #prison industrial complex

[moonlit-positivity]

Gonna be problematic on main for minute here.

Self awareness is good and all but don't let the criticisms of others become your own inner voice of awareness.

That is the biggest thing I see in BPD recovery spaces. "It sucks to be so self aware and to not be able to stop."

So change the way you think about it when you're aware of it.

"I am allowed to have this moment, even though I know it doesn't feel too good for myself right now."

"I am allowed to have these thoughts and feelings right now, even though I feel like they're wrong and I shouldn't feel this way. This is okay, too."

"I know I'm trying really hard to change, but I can't be perfect all the time. This moment is fine, too. I am allowed to feel this way. We will work with it until I can do better."

Self awareness without compassion is just self loathing.

Work really hard on being the nurturing voice of acceptance you wish someone could give you in those moments.

Yes, you're allowed to change the way you talk to yourself.

So hey stinky that's not too problematic right? Well here's the problematic parts.

Even when you're doing something you feel is bad and you feel like you need to change it but you can't. Even if someone has told you to change your ways or made you feel insecure because you can't do that right now, all you can do is repeatedly do the harmful behavior.

Reaffirming these harsh types of thoughts (aka judgements) just makes it worse. The compulsions to engage in the harmful behavior becomes a battle of autonomy and control rather than a genuine motivation to do better. Changing behavior takes a very long time to get comfortable with the very idea of change in itself. You can't do that if you're stuck repeating how awful of a person you feel, or how awful someone has made you feel, for not being able to immediately change it, or taking too long to change. Regardless of who is telling you that. Your ability to change your behavior does not depend on the people around you who dictate and control your autonomy and force you to do so in a harmful or unpleasant or judgemental manner. Please recognize and understand this as soon as you possibly can.

So why do I bring that up? Because as people with BPD this world is filled with other people who don't have BPD and many times our messiness clashes and interferes and causes issues with those around us.

And if you're someone who's been forced by others into therapy or told you're a problematic piece of shit and you need to get your life together, well. This one is for you.

There are gonna be times in our lives that we cause irreparable harm to those around us, and they're gonna be pissed the fuck off about it, rightfully so as they do have that right.

So if & when it's a situation of you causing repeated harm to yourself or to someone else and they're mad at you for it, then please recognize when it's time to separate yourself from this situation so you can self care without harming them or them harming you in the process.

This can be a very difficult thing to work through when you're in recovery. But even more so when you're forced into recovery. We never talk about that out loud. But we do still live in a day and age that people get shoved into hospitalization and thrown into someone else's idea of health and stability before we were ever really able to even comprehend what the fuck was happening to begin with. And sometimes it's because they're genuinely concerned for our health.

But sometimes it can be calculated and cruel and an act of control in itself. To be forced into involuntary institutionalization is one of the most heartbreaking acts of betrayal someone can go through.

So at the end of the day, if someone is constantly on your ass about the way you behave, please take that as the sign that you need to separate and find space so everyone involved can destress and heal and process on their own.

Because yeah you know, sometimes changing behavior doesn't work as fast as the other people in our lives can tolerate. And that's fair and valid. In these situations its more prudent to be concerned with the aggressions and the attitudes of all involved, so you don't cause further harm than what's already been done.

Tldr; please learn how to recognize when you need to get the fuck on from people, for whatever reason that may be. Don't internalize that shit. Don't dwell on it. It sucks that it happens. But you're still allowed to cultivate compassion for yourself even if & when someone has called you a problematic asshole. You're fine. You're still a good person. Just don't expect them to be the ones to tell you that.

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #boundaries #healing #healing thoughts #self awareness #bpd #living with BPD #shame #guilt #toxic shame #radical acceptance #acceptance #self harm #self hate #actually borderline #abuse recovery #mental health discourse #mental health discussion #institutionalization #antipsych

[shattered-yet-whole]

WIP - I was gonna write an AU psych ward fanfic but then i just started writing my psych ward trauma. Antipsych. This happened a while ago, I'm okay now (and I'm not grateful it happened).

tw - suicidal ideation, descriptions of suicide rehearsal, psychiatric abuse, trauma

--------

“Why are you here?”

I look at the psychiatrist’s tie blankly. He’s dressed in a suit, a clipboard and pen in hand. I haven’t even gotten my clothes back, I have to wear a hospital gown and pants four sizes too large, and am not allowed footwear other than grippy socks. The only thing I have left that's mine is my chipped glittery nail polish. I've picked it halfway off over the past day despite desperately trying not to. But this guy is walking around in shiny Oxfords and a suit.

I don’t look at his face. I know he’s looking at me, expecting an answer. Something I’m learning here is that they wait for you to speak. Even if you take a long time. They don’t try to speak for you. Sometimes I wish they would. It would be easier to say what they wanted to hear if they did. Instead I have to guess. I suppose I’m used to doing that, but it’s a lot scarier. “Don’t you know?” I say.

“Yes. But I want to hear it from you.”

Great. I have to tell him in my own words. It’s like a school assignment, but the grade is how long I’m going to be locked up.

I had been in the ER for 13 hours before I came in, and then I stayed up 2 more hours getting here. I wasn’t allowed my phone until I’d been there for 6 hours. No calling my friends. No telling anyone where I was. No one to talk to. Just me and the book I brought, the book I couldn’t focus on because I’d just gone to the counselor’s office because I was having a hard time and now I was at the ER for a psych eval. The counselor who sent me to the ER had said he thought I would just get connected to resources in the community. He said he didn’t think I would be sent to a psych ward.

I’d done a lot of staring at the ceiling to just get through to the eval part, 4 hours in. 2 hours after, when I finally learned I was recommended inpatient, the social worker told me even if I hate it now, I will be grateful later. Once I feel better, I will approve of the decision to involuntarily commit me. My current wishes tossed aside for a theoretical future me who is glad I never a choice. If they’re right, I should kill myself now so I never become such a monster. All alone, with a life shattering brick dropped on my head, I finally cried.

After the eval, I’d begged the nurse for my phone so I could tell my friends where I was. So I could tell my roommate why I still hadn’t come back at 9pm when we usually saw each other by five. My phone was nearly dead when I got it. I called my friends. I called my parents. My friends stayed with me the rest of the 7 hours I was there. They hugged me and cried with me until I got taken away in an ambulance at 3am. I wondered how much a 45 minute ambulance ride cost. I wondered if it mattered.

What a fuck-up I must have seemed. I’d heard of some college kids going to psych wards before. I knew someone who had called a suicide hotline at 4am and got the cops called to take them in. I hadn’t thought it would happen to me.

It’s nice, in a way. To know how bad I’m doing. I’m bad enough that I need to be locked up. For my own safety. I’m so crazy that I can’t be trusted to make my own decisions. I hadn’t known I was that bad until now. I still don’t believe it. It’s a mistake. But it’s nice they think I’m struggling.

He’s looking at me again. I don’t remember what he asked. “Can you repeat the question?” I ask.

“Sure. Why are you here?” he says again.

Right, that was what it was. I smile. I smile when I’m nervous. “Well, I… I…” Why is he making me say this. He knows what I did. I didn’t even try to kill myself. It’s not that bad. “Well, I was… I was… Sometimes I get into these moods. A lot of times I’m normal and fine. But sometimes I just… sometimes I just want to die. I used to try not to think about how I could do that or anything.” I sigh. I had tried so hard to not think about methods. I must have known I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from doing shit like this eventually. “Because I know this sort of thing would happen. But this time… this time I did. I looked up bridges I could theoretically jump from. But that seems like it would suck.”

I laugh. It’s a nervous laugh. It’s a ‘isn’t it funny that jumping from a bridge to kill yourself would suck?’ joke. One of the classics. He’s not laughing.

“Anyway, I was just feeling… I don’t know. I felt useless. I just keep thinking about dying and killing myself. It’s stupid. And I—I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I don’t know if people think I was trying to kill myself and that’s why I’m here. But I wanted to do something. To—I don’t know. To see what’s even possible. So I—so I—so I—”

This is the part I always get stuck on describing. I don’t know how to put what I was feeling into words. I don’t know how to describe what I was doing. I don’t know why I was doing it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But then again, it had seemed like a good idea to go to the counselor’s office at the time.

“I took—I took a belt. Right? And I hooked the metal buckle part over the door knob—it’s one of those long ones. And I kind of—I kind of—I don’t know. I kind of wrapped it around my neck once and held it with my other hand. So that if I passed out I would be fine. And then I sort of… pulled down. To see if that would… do anything. I did that a few times, and then I was scared that I did it. And I told the counselor the next day.”

It hadn’t been empty blackness like I’d hoped for. It had been a pulsing pressure in my head. I did it a couple times, to see if I could get the empty blackness. Then I stopped. Because it had seemed like such a good fucking idea before I did it, but then I realized I’d done something very worrying and should probably be in therapy. Even if the voice that had started the whole thing was telling me to do it again. It wasn’t real before I’d done it, but once I’d done it, it was too real to ignore.

He’s writing on the clipboard. I have a sinking feeling I’m not getting a good grade. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” I repeat.

“I know,” he says. He’s still writing. I wish I knew what it was.

It’s just me and him in my room. He woke me up when he came in. I went to sleep after breakfast. When I was admitted at 5am last night, one of the techs told me I should try to be awake during the day and asleep at night. Go to groups. Talk to people. It would help me get out sooner. But I’d already been up for 20 hours and it was 5am. So I was going to sleep and they were just going to have to live with that. Apparently you can’t skip the psychiatrist appointments, though.

“What’s got you so suicidal?” he asks.

The world. Everything. And yet, nothing. My life is great. “What do you mean?” I say.

“What do you think about that makes you want to kill yourself?” he elaborates.

“I… I don’t know,” I say. “The… the environment, I guess. Global warming. Kinda sucks to feel like the future is ruined. And the species and the ice sheets. Rising fascism.” I remember a tumblr post where a therapist talked about her patients talking more about those sorts of things making them depressed. That made it seem like an okay enough reason to give to a psychiatrist. And it’s not like that isn’t a big fucking bummer making me not want to be alive.

He makes more notes. “Anything else?” We both seem know that’s not enough on its own to make me constantly thinking about suicide.

I shrug. I’m just so stupid and worthless doesn’t feel like a cogent enough explanation. And I can’t phrase it like that. That would be stupid. “Feelings of… worthlessness, and um.” I search for something in my head. It’s fuzzy. There’s nothing there. I always remember everything so well when I’m crying in bed thinking about how much I want to kill myself. I could write essays on the subject in those moments. Instead I just rehash them to myself, over and over. But I can’t remember any of it now. “I dunno. I can’t remember unless I’m spiraling. A lot of anxiety. Around… people. Social anxiety.” I nod.

Sometimes I get attacked by my social anxiety, memories from years ago—three years, five years, a decade—sending jolts through me as I remember them. I remember what I should never do again. What I’ve learned. Lessons I can never forget, even when I can’t remember what taught them. I usually throw myself onto my bed and writhe in the agony of memories, clinging to ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I want to die’ like I'm falling in an abyss and they're the only rope up. I can never remember what the memories are until they’ve started their assault. I don’t know how to describe that, though.

I’m not being as amicable to him as I usually would be. I haven’t been amicable since they recommended me for inpatient at the ER. Something broke in me then. I’d felt it snap, a crack of terror, and then—nothing. I’m more stone-faced now. Quiet.

I can be friendly when I need to be. I can be talkative and responsive and say all the right words and have the appropriate “mmhmm”s and “oh no”s and “yeah”s. I can laugh in the right places, when it’s polite to laugh at a joke I don’t think is funny. I can make eye contact and break eye contact at what I assume are appropriate moments. I never know if I’m doing it right, though. I poured over a book about body language in high school, trying to learn how the fuck to do it. It said that the exact percentage varied, but around 40% eye contact 60% not eye contact. I tried to get the proportions right for years. Every conversation. Look at their eyes a few seconds, look away a few more seconds. Look eyes, look away. I used to look between their eyebrows, because the eyes were too much. But I read somewhere that some people can tell and they think it’s weird. So eyes it was.

I’m dead now, though. I’m already in a psych ward. They know I’m crazy. What’s the point in trying to appear like I can converse like a human. I don’t want to have to do it. So I don’t. I stare soullessly past people when they talk to me. I examine their clothes. I look at their hair. I don’t smile when they talk to me. I don’t laugh at their jokes. They ask me how I am and I don’t ask them back.

He seems to conclude I’ve finished explaining. “Well—okay, are you voluntary?” He leafs through his papers. “Yes, voluntary. Let’s see…” He leafs through them again.

Voluntary patient. What a laugh. When I came in, I was involuntary. During intake, they gave me some forms and said if I sign them I’d be a voluntary patient. I asked if anything would change. No, they said, it was a distinction with no difference. A voluntary patient still can’t leave until the psychiatrist says they can. But I would be seen as complying with the recommended treatment. It would be beneficial to be seen as complying with the recommended treatment. So I signed. But I never mistook that little black-and-white print Voluntary for consent, even if everyone else did.

#antipsychiatry #anti psych #creative nonfiction #personal narrative #psychiatric hospital #psychiatric abuse #suicidal ideation #suicide tw #trauma #complex ptsd #work in progress #dissociation #depression #anxiety #climate change mention #psych survivor #psych wards #institutionalization