#it's been half a year and i still haven't emotionally recovered

[whycantwegivellove]

ANNEMIEKE VAN DAM as MRS DANVERS

Rebecca das Musical (2022)

#rebecca das musical #mrs danvers #annemieke van dam #musicalgifs #mycreations #mygifs #raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by annemieke's teary-eyed sie ergibt sich nicht #it's been half a year and i still haven't emotionally recovered

[i-love-sweet-william]

out of context pre-stozyers #7

with context post-stozyers: byler branch

a collective 6k words of fic+rant. I tried so hard not to add byler but here we are.

"You're not busy unpacking, right?" What a weird tone…Mike hadn't heard Will use it before. "I'm not sure how long this might last."

"I'm free!" For you, always. "What's up?"

"Do you still love me?"

Mike dropped his fucking phone.

But only after performing a shitty juggling act in an effort to catch it, and then proceeding to eat the floor. With the sudden barrage of emotional and physical and property damage, it really would have been no big loss if his phone had dropped right on his head and knocked him out cold. Unfortunately, he was fully conscious, and aching, and on the verge of a fucking heart attack.

Will's distant voice continued as Mike tried to recover, patting around for his phone. "—you okay? Mike, are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine! I just…fell. Uh, can you repeat that?"

"I asked if you still love me." Jesus fucking Christ. "Like, do you wanna date and—whatever comes with that territory, I guess."

(As if he ever stopped.) "I, I mean…Territory? Is dating a quest to conquer?" Shit, that was stupid. Why did he say that. He rolled onto his side and muttered, "Never mind, ignore me."

"I don't think I can do that." God, he could hear that soft, reassuring smile through his cracked phone. "Besides, you're the only other person in this call, and…Listen, it's okay if you moved on already. But if you—"

"I haven't!" Fuckfuckfuck, that was too fast. He didn't even know what Will was going to say. What if Will wanted him to move on. The initial rejection was offensively gentle and hadn't affected their friendship for years, but what if Richie and his weird friends said something to Will over spring break? "I…haven't…" Real fuckin' smooth, Michael. "…Why?"

[disclaimer: Will doesn't have all the vocabulary to explain what he's talking about, but he's gonna try to describe having a poly relationship and being aro/ace. there's a rant about his mindset (and byler backstory…and stozyers context) that's over half of this post]

Will hesitated. "So…the thing El is doing with Max and Lucas, would you do it with me?" What. "If I was with someone else first, would you still—"

Mike sat right the fuck up. "Are you dating someone?!" When did this happen? Mike didn't even know Will was considering dating yet, let alone have suitors lined up! (Well, of course he did…but he didn't show them any interest before!)

"I…think so. No, I definitely am. In some way." In some way? What the fuck did that mean?! "And I thought, I don't know, maybe I could date you that way. If it's…okay."

Okay with Mike? Of course it would be, because Mike was currently having heart palpitations over the option of dating Will in any way, but also, just to be sure, "If what's okay? Like, if dating me is okay with your…" What, his first partner? Fuck, Mike did not enjoy how that sounded.

"Oh, I already cleared that with them." Them? Is it not a guy? [note: Will labels himself gay, and in past conversations he's generally used he/him for a hypothetical partner (because his only point of possible reference was Mike) and it was just easier to say "gay but not looking to date rn" than "not actively looking to date ever"] "It's just, uh…Okay, y'know how Richie"—please, god, do not be dating Richie—"supposedly has a looong history of sex experiences. I mean, claiming to have fucked every mom in the city is his peak of humor. But turns out, he hasn't had sex in, like, five years or some shit."

Mike took a deep fucking breath. "Please hurry and tell me what Richie's sex life or lack thereof has to do with us dating. Please." I am not mentally or emotionally strong enough for this.

"Okay, so what if we dated…but instead of kissing and having sex and whatever, we did something else. Can you still be, y'know, 'fulfilled' in a relationship like that—"

"Yes." Not a moment of hesitation.

(Honestly, Mike would be fulfilled if he got to touch Will's hands and share deep eye contact everyday. Simp.)

"Wait, think about it for a while," Will insisted. "It might be more important than you realize, and…I don't want to hurt you again. If I can't—do something."

The "something" in question was Will's first and last kiss. Everyone else had had their first kisses (even Dustin when he was off at camp), and Mike had hoped that…

Well, Mike wasn't exactly expecting movie sparks to fly, but he thought Will would at least like it. Or maybe be neutral. And if it was bad, maybe they could've awkwardly laughed it off. But instead, Will reeled back to wipe off his mouth, grimacing like he'd accidentally eaten something rotten.

It took Mike several days to recover from that, even though Will had started apologizing immediately afterward.

It took Mike several years to fully internalize the fact that Will wasn't grossed out by kissing him, just kissing in general. And when Mike reached that stage, he also realized that he didn't need that shit! Sure, it was nice, but honestly even the fantasy of being with Will was better than actually making out. (Unfortunately, such fantasies also needed to end. At least a physical kiss didn't lead to reality crashing down on him. The reality in which Will did not reciprocate whatever Mike was feeling in the past, and would probably never reciprocate in the future.)

If they'd had this conversation when they were younger, Mike might not have been so confident; he might've been scared shitless of feeling that deeply repulsive again. But now he knew how to separate himself from initial reactions, things Will had no control over. Mike was ready for it, if ever given another chance…if he'd ever asked for another chance.

He had planned to wait for Will to show interest in finding a relationship, and thought up hundreds of ways to have this conversation…but among all his hypothetical scenarios, not once did he imagine anything close to what was happening right now.

Despite his complete lack of preparation, he could not afford to fuck this up. "You won't hurt me again," Mike promised.

"But how do you know?"

"Because—" Maybe it would be best to have that talk after this one, or the anticipation might literally kill him [read: I need to contain the word count]. "Because meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…and no matter what happens or doesn't happen, that will never stop being true. Okay?"

Will fell silent…for an uncomfortably long time.

Fuck, was that too much? Did Mike get ahead of himself already? They were being so open and he—

"Okay," Will said quietly. "Then there's…one more thing I want to say. I've just…I'm not…I don't—"

He took a shallow breath. And tried again.

"I can't fall in love with you. But!" Will hurried to beat Mike's impending meltdown. "I think—I've already done the closest thing I'm…capable of. A long time ago, probably."

…Which meant those words were the closest thing Mike could get to a mutual confession! This was the best day of his life! Fuck!

"So, after hearing that, do you still…wanna try dating?"

Oh, there would be no fucking "trying" about it. They were gonna be SO good at this, immediately, without any challenges whatsoever. "Yeah. Yes."

This was happening. Holy fucking shit.

"Okay." The relief in that one word washed over Mike, and he almost felt bad for causing enough tension that Will could be relieved at all. "I just…I want to make you…so happy." Christ, how can you just say that shit without warning—"I think I can do that now."

Mike was going to fucking explode from the emotions rampaging inside. Each one was distinct and frantically clawing at his throat to be the first expressed, but they all sounded like I love you, I love you, I love you.

Unfortunately, before Mike could choose the perfect response, a distant door burst open, and Will let out a very tiny oh no.

"Will, what's wr—"

"Uh—"

"Oh shit, he said yes?" Richie's stupid voice. Of course.

Something fell with a dull thud, and the cord of Will's earbuds rustled in the mic as he moved. "Wait, Ri—"

"WELCOME TO THE HAREM!" Mike nearly threw his suffering phone against the wall to save his hearing. "We meet under every full moon to give thanks to William Byers for blessing our pathetic mortal lives," he informed, at a much more tolerable volume.

You only thank him once a month? Wait, that wasn't the fucking issue here—

Mike was so caught up in the euphoria of having Will's reciprocated love that for like a minute he lived in a world where he didn't sign up to share that love…but Richie made sure to give him a violent reminder.

"Give me my phone, Richard."

"Nooo, lemme bond with him, I'll be so civil, I promise—"

"Mike, I'm hanging up!"

"Mike, tell him not to!"

Hold the fuck up, did Richie just use his actual name? Was he being serious for once? "Wait."

And Will did.

After a few moments, Richie asked, "Is he still there?"

"…Ye."

"Okay, cool, everyone sit comfy for confession time!"

Richie really had to use that word right now, huh. If he interrupted this conversation just to ask Mike out as a joke—

Starting out with a dreamy sigh, Richie said, "Ever since I first saw your bitchy little face on that fateful video call, so many moons ago, I knew…" Mike braced himself. "I wanted to bully you. Relentlessly."

What the fuck.

"Bro, you got so pissy before I even did anything. I was just existing in this assigned room and you looked like I was fucking your boyfriend on camera—(Hey, was he like this with all your roommates?) Were you like this with all his roommates or did you just know I was special? That'd be some fuckin' ESP shit. You should've told me sooner, because then we…"

Richie trailed off and Mike could feel the intensity of a Will Stare radiating through the phone. Good. Keep him under control.

"Anyway, now that we are officially boyfriend-in-laws, I have taken it upon myself to begin the painstaking process of not taunting you on sight…no matter how fun and easy it is to piss you off. But also! Also! It's illegal for you to be jealous of me ever again, so jot that down."

Since when was Mike fucking jealous? Richie was just annoying as hell, why would he even think—

"I'm gonna be on your little screen, touching his hair and holding his hands, and you're gonna have to roll with that." Motherfucker. "But on the bright side, you've only got a couple more months to go before you can be here too! Well, not here, in this dorm, but somewhere…Eh, those details aren't important yet. What is important is I am going to befriend you by force, so be fucking prepared." Richie put on some weird villain voice, rasping out, "You have two months left to steep in your loathing before I drain it all out and flavor you with love. Enjoy being bitter while you still can."

So this was what Mike would have to deal with for the rest of his life. Agony. But it didn't matter because Will Byers could cure all his pain with ease and grace. (And regrettably he trusted Will's judgment enough to accept that Richie must have some redeeming qualities…deep down, beneath that obnoxious surface, so it might not be as excruciating as he anticipated. Hopefully.)

"Okay, that's all!" Richie said, returning to his usual aggravating tone. "Just wanted you to be aware that you will be fundamentally changed as a person soon. Love you, bye~🙈❤️🧂👌👨‍🍳😘"

…How the fuck did he say that out loud? And what did it even mean?!

And then Richie disappeared as abruptly as he'd intruded, and Mike absently muttered, "I'm going to suffer. So much." However, he made sure to speak up when he added, "But you are so worth it. I hope you know that."

"Um…thanks?"

"But also please, please, please, fill me in on why and when you started dating him," Mike said.

"Okay, so over spring break, I found out—how did he word it…I guess Richie and Stan have been 'courting' me. And they—"

"Both?" Where the fuck did Stan come from?

"Yeah," Will said. "For at least a few months or so."

Months?! At least? But he hadn't even known Richie for a year yet, and Stan even less than that, and—and Will was okay with it? Immediately after finding out? They just told him and he accepted? That was it? "What did—" What did they do that I couldn't? "Why exactly did you start dating?"

"I discovered a lot of things this week…about them, and about me. And I think you might learn a lot too, if you felt like talking with them." He paused and reconsidered. "Well, with Stan anyway—because with Richie…y'know."

Yeah, he knew. Yet despite this, Will chose to date that fucker before Mike. A tragedy and an injustice, truly. This was not at all like "the thing El is doing with Max and Lucas", and Mike had no fucking idea how he was meant to interact with them. He hardly knew a thing about Stan, and he only knew annoying things about Richie. (But remember, trust Will's judgment! Redeeming qualities, redeeming qualities, Richie has redeeming qualities…and Stan has…unknown positive qualities? Well, if nothing else, he has good taste in men.)

As if reading his mind, Will continued, "Now that I think about it, Stan isn't that far away from you. He's just a state over, if you happen to wanna meet him before graduation…But you're not obligated to have interest or go out or anything—"

Fuck it. "I want to."

"I mean, he's never talked to you directly before, and you probably want to have some sort of online friendship before meeting him in real life anyway, and there's not a lot of shared interests (except me), and—What?"

"I want to meet him." And see if he's really good enough for you.

"…Okay!"

BYLER BACKSTORY

okay so after the kiss (the kiss Mike asked for, the kiss Will agreed to, the kiss that was just supposed to be Getting It Over With so they could say they did it, the kiss without any explicit feelings attached to it), Will discovered he might actually be thoroughly disgusted by things he previously thought he was neutral about. he was forced to acknowledge how little he could assume about his own limits. before that, he thought "well I don't particularly want to kiss people but I think it'll be fine when it happens" and then it Wasn't Fine. what else would be like that? what else couldn't he do? he had no way to find out without Finding Out and he didn't want Mike to be on the receiving end of such a visceral reaction again (and also didn't want Mike to be the cause of such a visceral reaction again) which is why he rejected Mike later on. he thought that Mike needed the kinds of things that all their friends talked/joked about, and giving him that chance would probably just make them both hurt worse in the end.

Mike was about halfway through his personal journey when he decided to try to confess properly, he was working through what he really wanted in a relationship and wanted to see if they could figure things out, but Will didn't accept it. and made the rejection as gentle as possible and took all the "blame" and looked so fucking Disappointed in Himself that Mike just. chose to wait until Will was ready to pursue his own relationship…which he didn't do, up until now, when bringing up Mike's confession out of the blue. (even tho Mike was somewhat confident that they could figure it out, he didn't want to risk crushing their chances by forcing Will to do something like this before he was equally open to it)

in that time frame Mike did try to date other people eventually. at the start it was casual teenager shit to take the weight of his confession off Will's shoulders, but later on it was because he was mentally preparing for Will to never want a romantic relationship and was genuinely making an effort to move on and be able to just be his platonic best friend. he hadn't been successful, but he was still friends with those exes, because that's the kind of connection he created naturally when he actually chooses to date and isn't pressured into it without an escape. he is full of love and affection and support but in the end Mike's the one that Wasn't Enough because those partners could tell he wasn't fully committed emotionally

(actually they all went into it Knowing he wouldn't be emotionally committed at first because Mike's pining is radiating out of him at every moment. everyone at his college with bare minimum romantic attraction or functioning eyes knew he was fucking whipped for someone from home that he didn't seem to have a chance with. or else they would be together already. there is no way Mike "Where's Will" Wheeler could interact normally with this unfortunate one-sided love. and they thought they had a chance to help Mike move on, especially since Mike was also making a conscious effort to do so. but they gave up within weeks or months because it was honestly kinda depressing that even with his best efforts and genuine emotional connection, the pining for who he Actually wanted to be with was still blatantly clear)

(IMPORTANT NOTE: Will's disappointment was entirely built around "I wish I could make Mike happy" and not "I wish I enjoyed the kiss/I wish I wanted a normal relationship/I wish I felt what everyone else feels/etc". he didn't care much about his own enjoyment or being able to blend in. if he was at least Neutral about that kiss, he would've accepted Mike's confession and fully appreciated the emotional intimacy that came with the physical shit. but he wasn't neutral, and didn't want to submit Mike or himself to that.)

(bonus note: in this au, Ben is that type of asexual. having sex and anything relevant to that is pleasant only for the intimacy he gets with his partner. otherwise it doesn't matter and he has no need or desire for it. but also he is absolutely not anywhere on the aromantic spectrum he is All Romance All The Time. the main difference between how he and Mike see sex is that Mike does actively like the idea of sexual intimacy as its own thing despite not Needing it in his relationship, vs Ben never actively wanting sex itself but he always wants to make Bev feel as loved as possible and sex happens to be one option at his disposal.)

WILL'S MINDSET

okay so Will's not trying to invalidate being poly or aroace by not outright stating the terms or phrasing things oddly, he was just never really concerned with being able to discuss his sexuality with specific words (obviously if someone told him they preferred certain labels he would acknowledge and respect that, he just doesn't care about searching for more terms for himself. he So Much does not fucking care when he could spend his time thinking about like…monsters and shit). "I like boys" "I like girls" "I like both" "I don't think it matters as long as they like science" statements like that were enough for him to comprehend. and for him it was just "maybe I like boys (mike)?" until Stan exposed him to the option of not liking anyone, not in the ways people usually mean when talking about their sexuality (which probably contributed to why he gave so few fucks. everyone around him had preferences that could be labeled and worried over, while he had a severe lack of preference and didn't feel the desire to look for something that wasn't needed)

(also after everything he still calls himself gay and that's his Right, he doesn't have to change the label if it still does its job for him. and he's a dude that's now dating three other dudes. sounds pretty fuckin gay) ngl I didn't know I was aromantic until a friend was talking about their Stan for an au and called him aro and I was like. Wait. that?? counts as aro??? that's a defined thing???? so Will got my Stan Awakening in this au.

btw Will (and hanbrough, the Other Byler) is trans (but hanbrough Fucks, because 99% of the time I make a character trans they're also some kind of asexual. and I think they deserve to Want To Fuck sometimes) so Will's also passively aware of there being more than just two possible genders. but again, he isn't real concerned with learning or claiming specific labels, he just does what he wants. (he and El still look really similar but Also they're the same height now. and depending on who gets seen first when they're standing near each other, a stranger might think they're both girls or both boys, but willel isn't bothered by this. it just happens. then the difference in vocal range makes the stranger change their mind)

anyway finding out stozier had been happily dating for years also showed Will that even someone that really enjoyed sex and romance could be satisfied in a relationship with "someone like him". he didn't think he could do that before, he didn't think he was going to be "enough'', but Stan was more than enough, so maybe Will could be too. that was his thought process when deciding to start the phone call.

the way Will describes his feelings to Mike is partially copying how Stan described his connection with Richie (because Will didn't know they were dating and didn't even think it was possible for Stan, which is one of the things they bonded over, so Stan had to explain). Stan's not exactly In Love with Richie and probably never will be, but it doesn't matter because whatever feelings he has, it feels right for them. and they're all that matter in the relationship they've chosen to commit themselves to (well, plus Will now. and potentially Mike. if he gets there. he'll take a bit more time than Will for that tho…or he might only ever date Will, but he'll at least become less jealous of stozier over time)

(when Will was younger and other people talked about romance, he usually assumed "eventually that'll happen to me. it hasn't yet but it will, because everyone does that, right?" and once he became aware that he treated Mike a little differently than his other friends, he just Expected to fall in love with him. he was waiting for it to happen. he was waiting to wake up one day and just be like "aight cool. I feel distinctly different now". feeling like that is about the closest he'll get to actually Falling In Love. but even if he had fallen in love, he wouldn't have felt the need to ask Mike out. he'd still have been like "I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I'll die". he wouldn't have wanted to date Mike until Mike wanted to date him)

when Will brought up the topic of Maybe Possibly being able to date Mike (he's dating for the first time in his life and it's with two people that have open communication down to a science, so yeah he's gonna bring up his hesitant Mike Thoughts), Stan emphasized that, naturally, they (stozier) don't know what Mike needs in a relationship and can't say whether Will could give it to him. Mike isn't Richie, he might not have any alternatives that Will could do with him. but they won't Know that unless Will asks and byler have an actual discussion about what they can and can't do/try with each other, a conversation that Will had closed off before (a conversation which…kinda becomes unnecessary because of the self discovery Mike had gone through already, but it's still a good conversation to have).

stozier didn't plan on their efforts causing Will to consider dating someone else, but they're definitely aware of Mike being "different" for Will, and they would rather give him the chance to find out if byler could survive than for Will to continue wondering about it. tbh they weren't even 100% confident that Will would choose them if Mike was an actual option but refused to date Will with other people involved. but I think the most simple kind of love is wanting someone to be happy, regardless of how it happens. and after finding out that Will deadass wasn't aware of a single mcfuckin stozier thing going on, they kinda feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing if all they did was teach him it was possible to have a relationship like theirs. (but Mike also wants Will to be happy in whatever way he chooses, so even tho he really fuckin wanted to be Will's only partner, he wouldn't ask Will to immediately dump stozier. his general displeasure with Richie's presence will be fucking suffocating, but he won't make it about Will's choice in dating. it will be entirely Richie's Fault Always Forever. and as long as Mike continues not to take his jealousy out on Will, Richie really isn't that bothered by it since he constantly provoked Mike before this all happened. but someday Mike will notice that Richie's no longer actively doing things to upset him.)

PREFERENCES AND SHIT

Mike can make out or have sex without repulsion but he doesn't require a particularly sexual relationship, his needs are primarily emotional and just having that general physical intimacy, which byler already did Without actually dating…but now they can get Even More Emotional!!! and Completely Erase their Already Minimal Personal Space!!!! they can add another dynamic to their life long friendship, and try out things that even Mike "I'm gonna get you home (to our nerd basement)" Wheeler couldn't pass off as platonic, and continue to discover shit about their boundaries and preferences, and it's gonna be a good fuckin time.

Will and Stan both lack romantic attraction but in different ways, and they chose to date for different reasons. Will was aware a lot earlier than Stan that he wasn't going to fall in love the "usual" way (tho he didn't have a word for it), but once Mike confessed Will Did actively wish he could date just to make Mike happy, and would have done it if they hadn't kissed. for him, the idea of saying "we're dating" is kinda like giving Mike a limited edition cd for a band Will thinks is average at best. he doesn't really care about it but he Does care about the happiness Mike would get from it. but dating isn't a cd, and he knows he has to address the expectations that come with that word before even considering using it (but he kinda shut down the possibility because he would rather Mike be sad from not dating him than purposely put themselves in the path of his repulsion).

meanwhile Stan was Full of dating thoughts but wasn't super interested in pursuing them, he treated them more like a blorbo thing than a personal goal. he wasn't actively disinterested (in fact he really wanted to have a romantic relationship "eventually"), he was just more preoccupied with the fantasy of romance. but when Richie asked him out he wasn't opposed to trying, and he became a little disappointed as he slowly realized he wasn't going to get to experience a romance out of a story, but he still enjoys doing some traditionally romantic gestures (and Richie likes them too)

(when it came to Will accepting stozier's confession/proposal, it was more like informing him that they were already acting like they would if they were dating. because before stozier did Anything, Richie basically asked if it would be okay to so much as flirt, just in case Will would be uncomfortable with an established couple having interest in him (Will is fine with it because people have Apparently flirted with him before and he's never noticed until told, so he figures it won't bother him if people are expressing their interest. it's not his problem if he's not aware. but he didn't explain this logic to Richie, he just said "it would be okay/fine" or "I don't really mind"). and after they had Permission to Pursue, they did just that, gradually building up their individual and shared bonds with him (with Richie increasing the intimacy and affection in his body language and crafting his own Soft Will Voice, since he already uses dramatic romantic/sexual displays with everyone, and Stan changing his actual verbal language, since he only had online contact). but they never stated in Extremely basic terms "we are already in a serious relationship but would like to also maybe date you. can we try that out and see what happens? also this is Not a joke." so Will just did not process anything as having actual romantic intent. oblivious aroace representation)

on the sexual side, while Will has felt "bad" about not being able to do something Mike would like, he's never felt guilty or wrong or anything. just disappointment or sadness. about equal to being disappointed he's severely allergic to Mike's favorite food or something, unable to even touch it let alone eat it together. not a personal failure, just an unfortunate fact. and after entering his first relationship(s), he continues not to have any guilt about what he can't do for Mike or Richie, because they are clearly satisfied in the relationship. he can make them happy. meanwhile Stan occasionally feels guilt about it despite how aware and accepting he is about shit. logically he knows that there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex or kiss or whatever, but he can tell himself that as many times as he wants and it won't stop the feeling from popping up (partially because he wanted it so much, and he can imagine Richie wanting it too. but unlike Stan, Richie actually Could have that kind of romance if he was with someone else). he's also open with Richie about when it happens and gets reassurance that he's enough

one big issue Will had with dating Mike was not wanting Mike to miss out on doing things. but stozier was literally already dating long term and had been gradually involving Will in the level of intimacy they were used to, so he wasn't worried about not being able to give them what they needed. he accepted without much thought. honestly Richie's type of personality is probably the only reason they were able to get to this point. Will wouldn't feel the desire to "try" dating if he wasn't already confident he could offer what the relationship required, so basically anyone could ask him out and he would immediately say no. but Richie didn't ask him out, he just asked for Permission to fucking Pine and Express Interest and Flirt and shit, and because Richie already made a big show of general physical and verbal intimacy with everyone, Will didn't even notice it shift from casual/joking to a genuine pursuit.

Richie (and losers in general) is a lot more experienced and chill with sex-repulsion (Stan and Eddie). that disgust is treated kinda like offering someone a really shitty candle and saying "this is so bad. you have to smell it." and giving them the choice to smell it or not. sometimes the scent is intense enough that they Know it's bad even without getting close, but with a weaker scent they can go into the situation knowing that it'll Probably be a negative sensory experience, while also acknowledging that candles only make it to the shelf because Some people like it, so there's a Possibility that it won't be that bad. because of that casual outlook, Will is eventually (Eventually) going to start his Fuck Around and Find Out phase with Richie, and slowly begin to define his physical limits more explicitly.

Will was fucked up about Mike getting that fucked up over their failed kiss, but also he was fucked up about Mike ever being a source of that kind of disgust and he doesn't want to be in that situation again. even if Mike thinks he can handle it now, that doesn't mean Will can handle it. he wants to know what actions he's capable of doing and what things he can never do. and for stozier, Richie Being Gross is like a core part of their dynamic. so Will wants Richie to show him the Shitty Candle Collection and be able to comfortably enjoy being disgusted or pleasantly unfazed (or maybe possibly find a slightly good candle) even if he gags or pukes, even if he can only smell one candle a day or week or month, he wants to know his limitations. he wants to learn that for Himself so he's never surprised by sudden repulsion again. and he wants to do it with someone that's not Mike. 

(about kissing specifically, one reason Will was particularly confident that it would just be neutral is because Byers openly do kisses on cheek/forehead/hand/etc and he never had any reactions stronger than exaggeratedly wiping off his cheek or fake gagging at Jonathan or some shit. he didn't think a kiss on the mouth would affect him like that. anyway plot twist even tho Will was always half-assed grossed out by kissing and pretended to throw up when he walked in on El and Max making out, now he's gonna be one of the the gross ones. he absolutely can't do mouth kisses and doesn't enjoy being kissed in general but he's fairly neutral about Giving kisses (Stan doesn't give or receive any kisses anywhere, stozier makeout session is pure forehead touch babey) and Will's gonna get to see Mike collapse to the fucking floor from a gotdam palm kiss. fucking simp.)

ONE FINAL NOTE

since byler are equally stupid and Mike got the majority of his stozier exposure either through Will or from Richie butting in on their calls, Mike Also did not realize that Richie and Stan were dating. literally from his pov rn, it just looks like Will's annoying roommate fell So fucking hard that he must have gone on lovesick rants that made a whole second person also fall for Will. and since Will's mostly talked about Stan in reference to roasting Richie together, Mike hasn't yet made the connection that Stan is the reason Richie hasn't fucked in "five years or some shit" (more like 3-4, but no one ever accused Will of being good at math) and is also the one that encouraged Will to try to explore multiple ways to have and define a relationship. not that Richie didn't also encourage him, it's just that Will never took anything he said seriously until Stan's comments made him realize that Richie was in fact Not fuckin joking or talking purely in hypotheticals over the past several months.

(for the record Will takes Richie seriously with other topics, it's just the romantic/flirty shit that he is fucking physically incapable of processing as genuine (especially when directed at him). it was like that with Mike too, Up Until he was forced to acknowledge that Mike was serious and actually did want to date and be gross)

aight if anyone made it to the end…god bless. I hope you're fed because this won't be happening again soon

my favorite parts of Mike's very uninformed narration…

"what if Richie and his weird friends said something to Will over spring break?" what if Richie and his weird friend told Will it was okay to ask you out a couple days after he started dating them

"please, god, do not be dating Richie" guess what bitch

"well, if nothing else, [Stan] has good taste in men." Guess What Bitch

#will byers #mike wheeler #byler #stozyers #ryers #and a brand new tag for this specific au branch #Stozyler #yeah #I'm Just Having A Good Time with an au catered to me and me only #my post #art #stranger things

[genericswordsmaiden]

summer reading/writing/arting tag

Tagged by @inkysqueed (thank you so much, fellow Jumpluff and Oblivion enjoyer!)

1) Describe one creative WIP you plan on working on over the summer.

Of course, even though I have many ideas in mind (a one piece/crossover fic, an oblivion fanfic and a story about an AU me and my friend @zombinafonfrankenstein came up with) I'm going to continue writing Dark! I'm giving it my all because my goal is to publish it and see it on shelves!!! But for now the english version is available on ao3 (it is updated a bit irregularly because of life and other stuff, but some friends said that it's good nonetheless)

A description of it? Magic amnesiac guy and friends travel across the Afterlife to retrieve books and save the universe from some kind of eldritch creature. It sounds like pure crack and in some way it is. It's also brutal.

2) Recommend a book!

Oh, this is a tough one! But if y'all haven't done it yet, go read The Book Thief. That story changed my life, and it made me cry so much. I loved Liesel and Max's friendship, and also Rudy... He was best boy. And Hans deserves the title of best father ever. Oh god I'm crying again, it's been years since I last read it and it's still a fresh wound! A masterpiece.

3) Recommend a fic!

Another tough one, since there's so many fics I'd like to share! I can't name less than five though, because I absolutely adore them and I wish people of the respective fandoms would read them. Sorry.

Honor bound by penwarrior11 (The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion) (this one is part of a series and it is the first fic of it. It follows the story of the game alright, but I love the scenes with Mara and Martin, and also Baurus. A precious little gem.)

Everything by nonman (Half Life: Alyx) (this one began in 2021 and proceeded slowly, as of now I'm waiting for the last chapter but guys, it is great! It gives continuation of the cliffhanger at the end of HL:A and it is written masterfully)

No more dreaming of the dead by @mina-murray-harker (Re-Animator 1985) (I love the style of this one, safe and disturbing and full of movie and music references. I think the Re-Animator fandom would love it to bits just as yours truly does)

Candlelight by @clichejoe (Encanto) (this is still my comfort fic and it is very beautiful, colorful - and the main character is the most lovable oddball researcher ever)

The fear of the ocean by FishingLure (JoJo's bizarre adventure) (this one emotionally scarred me - it's been two years and I still haven't recovered)

4) Recommend music!

Pat Metheny Group's discography. But also Seventeen's discography... No, I have to choose a single song. I must choose a single song or else I'll be here all night! Alright, here we go: Haru No Maboroshi by Superfly. It sounds like a sunset. I used to listen to it when I ended uni lessons late in the afternoon, it gives me a comforting feeling and restores my spirit a bit.

5) Share one piece of advice!

Hmmm, I'd say to never forget yourself. Other people may leave, but yourself is the only one who will never leave you. Some people might see this as insensitive wording, but I truly mean this with all my heart. There's time to be spent in introspection, there's love to be found in ourselves, for ourselves. There's a certain kind of healing that can only occur when you are with yourself. Also, to everyone reading this, regardless of shape color gender and preferences regarding tea - tell people who are dear to you how much you love them and hug them. Spread good stuff, hugs are the best drug - and they're free!!

Tagging @koumeowkami and @stardusteyes and also the other beautiful people I already tagged are totally free to copy this and post their own answers!

#tag stuff #<3 #the chaos trilogy : dark #the elder scrolls #oblivion #half life alyx #reanimator #bride of reanimator #encanto #jojo's bizarre adventure #fanfic reccomendation

[raging-fan-human]

To all 5 of my followers who are not bots:

I am in fact still alive. Here is a rundown of what I've been up to over the past 5-7-ish months!

I graduated high school! (That was pretty cool.)

I packed up and moved to New Jersey with my parents! (Also pretty cool.)

I lived in a hotel for 3 weeks! (Meh.)

My parents and I got moved into an apartment sooner than expected! (Kinda cool, but I had to go back to sleeping on an air mattress.)

Our household goods delivery was delayed twice and only half of it came while I was still there. (At least I got my bed back ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

My parents and I drove to Virginia literally the next day for move-in day at the school. (Very very tired.)

I get to know some people during the first few weeks (mostly orientation + only first-years on campus.)

My roommate and I quickly become best friends! (Very awesome, especially since we're one of 4 sets of roommates in our entire building that haven't made requests to move.)

We make a mutual friend who we do everything with! (I love them so much! I also miss being able to go to the lake with them every day : ( but that's okay!)

Actual classes start for the semester! (Very busy and do not see the mutual friend as often.)

We meet the mutual friend's roommate and their mutual friend! So now we are a group of 5! (Both of whom were in my orientation group, so we kind of already knew each other!)

Just when everything seemed to be perfect, my computer kills itself and I lose progress on a ton of assignments. (Not cool at all. It sent me into a spiral of trying to redo it all and also keep up with current assignments.)

I find out the school fucked me over because they gave me incorrect information regarding money when I had a meeting with the only person who should have been able to help me because I was afraid this exact thing would happen. (I don't think he misinformed me on purpose, but it just sucks that the person who specializes in my particular situation gave me false information and now I have to get a loan.)

The next several weeks are a blur and we are now in the middle of finals week. (Very tired, physically, mentally, and emotionally.)

I am now trying to get caught up with all the work I missed due to the burnout caused by the previously mentioned computer issues, as well as all my final projects. (I'm just happy I only have one exam, and it's a non-timed take-home test, so that means I get to leave a few days early for break.)

I currently have $30 to my name, and I still have to drive home for Christmas.

TL;DR: I moved to another state, immediately had to go to another state for college before even getting settled, made amazing friends whom I love whole-heartedly, fell behind in classes, got fucked over financially (by the school on mistake), spiraled into a cycle of self-sabotage (very on-brand for me), am now trying to recover from those mistakes in the span of 3 days, and looking forward to going home early for winter break because I am not doing well mentally.

Make sure to take care of yourself. You've got this. I believe in you.

#I am so fucked #But I'll be fine #I won't let myself faill all of my classes in the first semester #mental health #college life #school struggles #long post

[bookwyrminspiration]

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

Ophelia! Hello! It's lovely to hear from you again, and I'm glad that your family has successfully moved in and you're recovering from the ordeal. Moving is definitely no joke, so I hope you have plenty of time and rest and can take care of yourself. I don't know where you are but hopefully you've got some more time before school starts, as that varies. My semester starts on Monday meanwhile my cousins up in the Midwest usually don't start until like September if I'm remembering correctly.

Also...care to elaborate on that ghosts thing?? I am so so curious what that means, but of course no pressure to share. As for my stance on ghosts, I'm closer to a shaniac than a boogara. So I'm not like 100% no ghosts cannot be real!! But I also don't think there's enough evidence to currently support their existence. My believe aligns with the evidence, so if there is irrefutable proof in the future than yay! Ghosts!! Cool!! However though I'm leaning towards a current no I do think it's more fun to approach life entertaining the possibility of mystical things, you know?

Hopefully any chemical or gaseous exposure your family might've endured isn't too bad and either way, you've moved out now so! Congrats! I hope your new house is nice and that you can get your room all set up in a way you like.

And yes I am doing well! The summer volunteering at the library ended in July, so no longer am I dealing with that anxiety, which is nice. I did like it but also oof people. I've had about a week and a half off before school starts up again on Monday, but that'll only be one class and it's a high school english class, so I think I'm pretty equipped to handle that. My identity is practically inextricable from literature so. My school did change around my schedule this year (I've had morning classes for three years and now I've got an afternoon) which I'm not thrilled about, but I'll adapt. Typical beginning of the year nerves of not knowing exactly what's happening or to expect, but I'll mellow once the first day actually passes.

I've also been working on the wings au a little more because I got rather behind, and so I can get it done. There's still things to do and November is coming up!! I don't have to have it done before Stellarlune is released, but I'd like to. So we'll see if I can stick to that.

Also hell yea puzzles!! I love puzzles--my family is currently doing this big pirate ship puzzle I got my dad for father's day, though we have stagnated. I haven't really helped with it yet so I think this might end up being another situation where Quil comes in and does all the hard parts with the background pieces that are nearly indistinguishable from each other.

Emotionally I am organizing all the puzzle pieces into straight lines and rows so we can see everything better!!

#quil's queries #ophelia nonsie #colored text #i love puzzles #my family has a steadily growing little collection #we don't actually eat off our dining room table it's only used for puzzles #and then there's this smaller table/desk thing that is /also/ used only for puzzles #which one we use depends on the size of it typically #but we've got these cool space ones and then these fantasy themed ones #there's this one aquatic life one I like but it's got like a holographic sheen that bothers the rest of my family's eyes so #anyway my point is that puzzles sounds like an excellent activity and I would love to do some with you!!

[chron1cally1r1s]

Walked for an hour, 4448 steps and I'm exhausted

After I got COVID in 2022 my energy levels took a nosedive and I haven't recovered to my normal energy levels and it annoys the crap it of me.

I get out of breath just walking up some stairs. It doesn't help that I developed mild asthma and have to use 2 inhalers when it acts up. Thankfully I haven't had to use them after I moved to my new apartment, there was clearly something in my old apartment that was triggering my lungs because I had a chronic awful cough, breathing difficulties and I was constantly sick. I moved to a new apartment mid January and the apartment is brand new and I've gotten ill twice and I haven't used my inhaler at all.

I feel better here emotionally and mentally. I had saved up a good sum of money over the past 2 years to use to furnish and decorate my apartment and I'm so happy with the choices I've made so far. The style is I guess romantic, I was going to do boho style but it didn't turn out that way and that's ok😊 I still have my bedroom to decorate and I want to make it a haven, a place that will bring me comfort and calmness. I'm still trying to figure it out.

Physically I've not been doing too well. I finally got a Ketamin/lidocaine/magnesium infusion and holy crap that was something. I had to be in the area where patients are taken to when they wake up from anesthesia while I was receiving the infusion. I was hooked up to a ECG machine, blood pressure cuff was out on my arm and a oximeter. A needle was out in my hand and a big syringe was out into a machine that pushed the syringe so it would take 75 minutes for the medication to enter my body. A few minutes later I started feeling the effect of the infusion and I feel asleep like when you get anesthesia. Half an hour later (I think) I woke up and I had an oxygen tube in my left nostril. I was so high that I couldn't see straight. If someone has blond hair I couldn't tell if I was seeing the face or the back of the head, it was freaky. I tried to see my b/p numbers but they were all scrambled and moving around on the screen. It was one of the strangest experiences of my life. I had asked the anesthesiologist if people had hallucinations and he told me yes because this medication is related to LSD 😵‍💫 That kind of freaked me out but I've already had a medication that is related to heroin so what is another medication that is a related to another drug hard drug, *shrugs*

This helped with some of the pain in my body but not the nerve pain in my feet which was the reason I was trying this medication combo. It was the last thing to try and I've tried everything medically to try to lessen the pain caused by poly peripheral neuropathy. I'm going to try it one more time and ask to increase the lidocaine which has numbing effect.

#peripheral neuropathy #health and wellness #iv infusion therapy #new apartment

[jonwongton]

12/31/23

I know I say every year flies by really fast, but 2023 has been one of those years that's felt like it lasted forever. When I was looking back at pictures of what happened in January and May, I couldn't believe those both happened this year.

My plan from the start was for 2023 to be like a soft year off. I wanted to maintain my career while placing a light emphasis on health and real world/self improvement education. I wasn't looking for a lot of change, and on paper, this year should have been great since a lot of positive things happened for my family.

However, when I really think about it, I spent a good chunk of this year not at my best. I had a pretty bad neck injury in May that I still haven't fully recovered from, and emotionally I've had to step out of my comfort zone to make room for a special person. On top of that, I haven't had the time like past years to keep up with kpop. I've really leaned on kpop during my first six adult years so I can really feel my anchor being gone.

Something that really stands out for me in 2023 is the lack of that one magical special moment. So far, they've been

2017 - the moment I clicked on my first GFriend b-side (Neverland)

2018 - Nagyung's 반반 hair reveal at KCON Thailand

2019 - getting a selfie with Hayoung at Washington Square Park

2020 - the release of the Feel Good mv after 15 months

2021 - standing atop Namsan tower during my first Korea trip

2022 - Nakyung's shh to open Hush Hush during the first concert day + the Stay This Way fanchant on the last concert day

2023 - ???

so they're all kpop related. I really just don't have a single moment this year where all my emotions pour out again. That probably leaves my year ranking at

2018 > 2019 > 2021 > 2017 > 2022 > 2023 > 2020

Not everything was bad: I still learned a ton about a lot of random things (sports, politics, history), improved my social skills, *worked on* my emotional maturity, and got physically stronger. If this is considered one of my worse years, I'll consider myself lucky.

Minor kpop dump:

Song of the year: 눈맞춤 - 프로미스나인 (fromis_9) [#menow was good too but I like 눈맞춤 more)

Album of the year: EXIST - EXO

Top 5 b-sides of the year:

What I Want - 프로미스나인 (fromis_9)

OMG - NewJeans (뉴진스)

One Kiss - Red Velvet (레드벨벳)

Lucky Star - NiziU (니쥬)

Oh Ma Ma God - EVERGLOW (에버글로우)

Seasonal songs:

겨울: Sugar Rush Ride - TXT (투모로우바이투게더)

봄: WHY - Kep1er (케플러)

여름: 여름이 들려 (Summer Comes) - 오마이걸 (OH MY GIRL)

가을: 7HEAVEN - 퍼플키스(PURPLE KISS)

Current top 5 DDR songs (song + chart combo)

Ace for Aces

Possession (20th Anniversary Mix)

Gerbera

London EVOLVED ver. C

mathematical good-bye

Milestones

Spent the whole year in a relationship :)

Made my annual Korea trip for the third year in a row

Significantly improved my reading, timing, and stamina when playing harder songs (912k on snow garland fairy, my first few 15 GFCs, solid GFCs through the 14 folder, three 12 AAAs)

Went to my first football game (49ers wiping the seahawks in the wildcard round)

Attended my older brother's (first) wedding

Attended my sister's wedding

Saw all my extended family in Oregon for my cousin's wedding

Made two SoCal trips

Learned a lot about personal finance

Goals for 2024

Get promoted to senior staff

Get a 900k on an 18 + PFC a 13

Learn to cook six traditional Cantonese recipes

Work on my flexibility (shoulders, back, and hamstrings) to prevent injury instead of focusing on weight

Read all five books currently sitting on my bookshelf over the past two years

Sleep earlier, wake up earlier

Talk less, listen more

I really coasted throughout 2023 (+ the second half of 2022), so I want to put my foot on the gas a little more next year. It's time to get back to growing my career, improving my health, and applying that conscious effort towards my personal goals.

24 is my favorite number, so I hope it's gonna be my favorite year too. :)

#life #personal

[brainrot-yumm]

tw: third year anniversary of ending one of the worst points in my life uwu so mental health issues SH talk Past thoughts of suicide talk

I'm very not used to people following this account man. Genuinely this is gonna be a very personal ramble I'll be having so be warned. I know since this is online it was always gonna be seen but I'm not used to it. Luckily this didn't happen while my account was peaking or else there'd be a lot more issues than needed.

So! Halloween was my 3 year anniversary of not killing myself, and today (or yesterday as of 4 hours ago) is my 3 year anniversary of going clean from self-harm. It's a bit ironic how I was actually contemplating hurting myself during these days, legitimately not as a relapse thing but because I have some chest acne that's been bothering me and turning them into scabs tends to make them go away faster. I don't count that as self-harm at all since it's not emotionally based on release but more as a weird side effect that I can now do thanks to my self-inflicted high pain tolerance. This anniversary is especially important to me because it's been six years since I planned to die. So now I've spent about as much time suicidal as I've spent recovering. Though it's more like 3 and a half years, so check back next June.

I know it's poor taste to say, but there are a few good things that came from all this mixed in the ocean of terribleness. I genuinely like my scars (how they feel, look, represent). I don't think they make me look better than before but I don't think they retract from my appearance at all. I get tattoos now instead of hurting myself to get the same meaning in a healthier way though. I also love having a high pain tolerance, it gives me more options on how to live my life and keeps me from hurting as much in general. And now that I'm hyper-obsessed with not becoming an abuser like my intrusive thoughts say I will inevitably be, I'm learning a lot about myself and how I function in order to work around and fight against impulses. Uh. And that's all the good things. And I could go on for hours about everything else and the rest is all bad.

I think I'm doing a lot better than I was last year. It's honestly strange. I kind of feel like I'm experiencing my childhood again, because everything's normal now. Middle school and puberty has been associated with being traumatized to me, so now that everything is normal and nobody is hurting me (and it's so fucked up how that tremendously traumatic experience is really just a 7-year event that could have happened to anyone, that I can just stumble upon trauma and will inevitably stumble into pain like that again against my will it's so fucked), it feels like I'm a kid again. A very, very, very, very busy kid. A kid who needs naptime and eats too much candy for Halloween and can still kind of summersault and somehow still has too many expectations for the world. I'm hoping maybe I can reclaim some of the hope I used to have. Normalcy feels nostalgic to me I guess.

But yeah, I'm doing better. I'm always tired, I cry pretty much daily, I have the emotional maturity/understanding of a 12-year-old, and despite having been in the semester for like 11 weeks I still haven't scheduled an appointment with the counseling center, but I got diagnosed with ADHD, I'm having more fun with my fashion than ever, I fully understand and accept myself as trans despite being so cis-passing, and apparently I see myself as worthy enough to ask my splat out. I wasn't able to ask her out on Halloween, mostly cuz I knew she was too busy and didn't wanna burden her further. However we eat lunch together now and if I can get my rizz together I might ask her for dinner. I was not able to see myself as worthy enough for another relationship last year.

I'm happy to be alive. I've always been happy to be alive. It's just that I spent so long not living that I stopped thinking there was a point. And now I'm alive again. It's nice.

#My mental state is always kinda wonky around this time but that's also the fact that I got a little seasonal depression in me #November is always the time I heavily traumatize myself with media online for no good reason #Two years straight I watched PSA compilations and cried every single day of November #and last year I read backrooms wiki entries until my mental state started getting legitimately affected #This year I'm trying not to be impulsive and buy some eromanga visual novels that will fuck me up for years to come #I think I'm gonna fail though #anyway yay! 3 years of being clean! 3 years of not being dead! idk about you but I'm proud of that #reminder in case people read this DON'T send me DMs with congratulations or anything please

[meaning-and-me]

10/29/2023

I think part of why I am occasionally overwhelmed by how disturbing this is because like many other traumatizing experiences I've had, I'm basically left to figure it out on my own. I don't recall feeling so disturbed by something since my assault in college, which is maybe why I was driven to write about it more a few days ago (or whenever that was. Time is not super concrete right now). It feels violating that this has happened, and that I was so complicit twists the conclusion even further. Sure that's better than if it was completely forced. But I was choosing it because I didn't know it was making me sick. Had I been able to talk to anyone who knew what long term benzodiazepines could do and learned what was happening I would have been off them a long...long time ago.

It hurts so much. I am afraid to describe what's happening to anyone who doesn't understand the extent of the damage, or isn't willing to accept it. Unfortunately this alienates me from everyone but a specific group of peers. Sometimes I daydream about finding a doctor who knows what's going on...not for help with medication, just to be witnessed. But because of the injury I haven't been able to work in years, and none of them take insurance. It's not worth paying just because some part of me in the back of my head wants to be told I'm "valid". I can learn to provide that for myself.

When I first jumped off ativan and almost immediately started feeling better- after a six month taper- I was only happy. The implications hadn't set in yet. Now I've had almost 60 days to think about it and my heart is breaking. I feel like I can't hold this pain, it's too big for my body. When I thought my sickness was inevitable, something my body was doing that couldn't be helped, it was something I could tolerate. Now that I know I could have stopped it at any time I'm indescribably devastated. I have come so far in sixty days. I'm so lucky. And yet I have so far to go to recover from this, and so much to do to make a life out of the wreckage of the last decade.

Music was the first thing to come back- within week two or three post jump I was listening to new music a few times a week. By week four I was writing in this blog. During week 7 I was able to read again. I finished an 800 page book over the course of two days. I haven't been able to read like that since before psych meds at all. The chronic pain has been cut in half. I don't have to lay down during the day anymore. I can stand so much longer, and talk so much longer, and tolerate noise and light better. I can think more clearly than I've been able to since I was a teenager.

This doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me. I don't want to scare anyone off their meds because I know the reasons why people take them and stay on them. But looking back I should have ran far away. I don't know if it was worth it anymore, I don't know if I would have found another way to survive but I don't know if anything will make up for the time I've lost and the time it will take to recover. It still feels like a dream- like I could wake up tomorrow and things will be back the way they've been for so long. It's terrifying knowing how much I lost, now that I have some of it back. It's emotionally more painful now than when it was happening- proof that there's so much more of ME available now to think about things. I think I got locked away at some point and I was too dulled to realize it.

I see now why people will refer to it as poison, or chemical lobotomy. And it wasn't just my brain locked away but my body- every movement becoming excruciating because my muscles just didn't want to move. My body is completely, utterly ravaged by these medications, and I've been putting them in my mouth every night for years and years. I feel so complicit, like I should have figured it out sooner. I'm going to be haunted for the rest of my life. I am faced with a strange situation now- only knowing what was gone once it came back. Only knowing it was being taken from me after I got it back. And the culprit being something I was told I'd need to take for the rest of my life by doctor upon doctor since I was a child? And/or told was harmless, don't worry about it? (Code for, "ask someone else- I don't want to be held liable for this.")

I'm brainwashed, it's my fault, it's their fault, I'll never forgive myself, I'm so angry, I don't know how to move on from here but I have to, I'm so excited for what's ahead but at the same time I have never mourned this much in my life. I feel gutted but it's proof I am HERE.

[ninatranscending]

I've been really struggling lately. Over shut down, I started doing really well, physically and emotionally. When I had to go back to work, bars were still closed (I'm a bartender) so I had to work in a grocery store. Between the cold outside, and inside of the store, and all the heavy lifting, my symptoms started flaring up. Over the past 2 and a half years I've been trying to get my health back under control. As soon as I was able to go back to bartending, I did that. I even carved out what I thought would be the perfect schedule to allow myself to rest and recover, and have time to build better fitness and nutrition habits. But, I pushed through the flare up for too long. Instead of getting better, my symptoms got worse. I've barely been able to work over the past few months. And, even with all that extra time, I haven't been able to stay on top of my self care. My space is messy and cluttered. I haven't been taking showers everyday. I'm struggling to cut out foods that I know trigger more symptoms. I want to get back in control. I haven't felt this bad since I was going through the diagnostic process 16 years ago. I feel like I can't express enough how desperate and discouraged I've been feeling, but I also don't want to burn out my loved ones by constantly complaining. This has to be a turning point. I don't want to lose any more jobs or relationships to my condition. But between the pain, and migraines, and stomach problems, and vertigo, and brain fog, I really can't keep up with everything that's expected of me.

#fibromyalgia #neurodivergent #chronic pain #is this tmi

[whimsicallyreading]

You Don’t Even Go Here

Day Two for Rowaelin Month

A college AU

~

Aelin grins mischievously as she walks up the stairs of the men's dorm at Terresan University. The teal-blue waffle iron clutched under her arm.

Aedion didn't really need it. It had been on the fifty-percent-off rack at the supermarket, and he'd simply thrown it in the cart for good measure. Yet, when Aelin saw the box for it laying the hall, she'd seen opportunity.

It had hit her harder than she'd thought. Aedion leaving. They'd been raised like siblings but grew up something closer to best friends. It wasn't fair that he was nearly three years older and ready to leave when she wasn't prepared for him to go.

Aelin had cried the whole car ride home. Then when they finally got back to the house, she'd called him right away. He could hear how teary she was and happily obliged her call. Narrating his actions as he went about setting up his dorm room. He teased her about missing him, but she could tell that he missed her too.

So, armed with an excuse to visit him, Aelin made the hour-long drive to visit her cousin.

Aelin was halfway up the stairs but not paying too much attention to her surroundings. She was too busy repeating Aedion's room number over in her head because no matter how many times she checked her phone, it just wouldn't stick in her head. Maybe if she'd focused a little more on the things happening around her, she wouldn't have crashed into a half-naked man.

A solid and calloused hand darts out and grips her shoulder before she can go tumbling down the stairs. Its twin desperately clutching the towel wrapped around his waist.

Aelin looks up apologetically, and her jaw nearly falls to the floor. His white hair was still damp from the shower and swooped over the top of his head, and his biceps were too large for Aelin to wrap both hands around. An intricate tattoo coils elegantly from a cheekbone and down the length of his body.

He was a man indeed. Nothing like Chaol or Dorian or any of her junior friends. This was a new breed of man. The apex kind. Aelin is pretty sure she looks like a deer in the headlights, and she's too busy ogling him to understand the words he'd been repeating to her.

"Are you okay?" His eyebrows are furrowed as if he's afraid he'd literally struck her stupid. Aelin felt that wasn't far from the truth.

"Yes, sorry," she apologizes as she steps back, suddenly very aware of how in his personal space she was. "I wasn't paying attention. You just caught me by surprise."

Aelin was definitely panicking. Where was her swagger when she needed it most? Why would it choose now to abandon her?

By some miracle, he doesn't seem off-put by her awkwardness. In fact, a smile curls the edges of his lips, revealing a set of dimples that made her heart stumble.

Gods he had dimples.

"No, I ran into you. It's my fault. My name is Rowan.”

He holds out a hand, and Aelin shakes it clumsily. "I'm Aelin."

"Aelin." She loves the way her name rolls off his tongue. "I haven't seen you around before. Are you a freshman?"

Oh no. Aelin's eyes widen, but she recovers swiftly and smooths her features out. Rowan thinks she's a student. Not some crazy high schooler too emotionally dependent on her cousin.

"I'm actually a junior," Aelin laughs at his perplexed expression. "I don't go here, though. I'm just stopping by to drop off some things my cousin forgot."

White lies. What was a white lie worth? Aelin likely wouldn't ever see him again, and is it so wrong for a girl to enjoy some harmless attention? If Aelin spent more time thinking about it, she probably wouldn't like the answers she'd come up with, but that was neither here nor there.

"Is that a waffle maker?" Rowan's green eyes glint with amusement.

"My cousin loves to eat. What year are you?" Aelin crosses her fingers that he's the same age as Aedion and not a senior or something. Her cousin would murder her if he found out she flirted with a man five years older.

"Don't we all? I'm a sophomore, a bit younger than you, I suppose." Rowan drags a hand through his hair. "Listen, I know you came to see your cousin, but maybe I could get your number, and we could get a cup of coffee before you head out?"

Was this really happening? Aelin inwardly squealed with excitement. Lysandra would die when she recounted this story later. "Sure."

Just as she pulled her phone from her pocket, an all too familiar voice materialized behind her. "Aelin?"

Aedion smiles as he lays eyes on his beloved cousin. He takes a couple steps down the stairs, and that grin quickly fades as he sees the naked man.

Oops, she'd forgotten that detail.

"Rowan?" Aedion's eyes harden as they lock on Rowan. "Why the hell are you ogling my cousin with no clothes on?"

"You know him?" Aelin swears under her breath. She cannot believe her luck.

Aedion laughs coldly as he sizes up Rowan, "He's my roommate, but he's about to be a corpse. Why are you perving on my seventeen-year-old cousin?"

Rowan's looks between the bewildered. "You said you were a junior?"

Aedion laughs harshly as Aelin blushes. "I am...just in highschool. Not college. I told you I didn't go here."

"I didn't realize I was rooming with a pedophile," Aedion grabs Aelin and pulls her to his chest. "Was he bothering you?"

"Pedophile?" Rowan's dimples have disappeared, and he looks at Aedion disturbed. "I'm only nineteen!"

Aelin shoves away from Aedion's boorish grip. "The only one bothering me is you."

Rowan's cheeks are flushed red as the full impact of the situation they were found in dawns on him. Damn it if Aelin didn't find his blush endearing. He is a solid chunk of muscle. How is everything he does so cute?

"Look, I just got out of the shower, and I bumped into Aelin. It was an accident. She was just on her way to give you your waffle maker-"

"You brought my waffle maker?" Aedion cuts Rowan off, eyeing the box under her arm.

That's when Aelin sees it. The twinkle of mischief in his eye and the forced concern. Aedion was playing her. He obviously knew Rowan wasn't a creep and saw the perfect opportunity to cause chaos. Aelin scowls at him, and that spark grows brighter. It's moments like this she wonders why she ever missed her cousin in the first place.

Aedion tugs the box out of her grasp and smiles. "Wow. This is perfect timing. Vaughn and Fen were just talking about making breakfast for dinner." He looks at Aelin and forces a frown. "If I'd known you were coming, I would have invited you, but it would kind of be rude to bring a guest now."

"What?" Aelin sputters. She drove all this way, and he was really going to ditch her? It was embarrassing, but tears prickled at the edges of her eyes. He was an ass, but she obviously came because she missed him, and he didn't even care? She really thought they were closer than that.

"Yeah. Sorry, Lin." Aedion points at Rowan, who was just standing to the side, thoroughly uncomfortable. Yet, despite the awkwardness, he hadn't left. "Hey, you owe me one for creeping on my little cousin. Earn my trust back and see that she has something for dinner and gets to her car safely? She has my phone number, one bad text, and your ass is grass."

Aedion tosses her a wink, and it's all Aelin can do to keep from outright gaping. Rowan looks stunned, his eyes darting between the two Ashryvver's. They settle on Aelin for a moment too long. Some of the tension eases from his shoulders, and he smiles. "I think I can manage that."

"Good." Aedion turns back up the stairs pats the box. "Thanks for bringing it to me, Lin. I'll call you tomorrow, don't send me to voicemail."

Just like that, her cousin, a walking, talking agent-of-chaos, disappears back to wherever he came from.

"So," Rowan starts, "If you want, I know a perfect Italian place we could swing by, my treat seeing as I plowed into you."

Aelin frowns and fiddles with the end of her necklace. "You aren't upset that I lied?"

"You didn't lie." Rowan chuckles, a deep sound that sends a shiver of delight down Aelin's spine. "You don't go here."

Aelin tilts her head as if she's deeply considering the offer. "I suppose it couldn't hurt. What's good there?"

"They have an awesome kabob." Rowan tugs his towel tighter. "It's my favorite."

It's Aelin's turn to laugh. "Isn't that just meat on a stick?"

"Let's go, and I can show you how profoundly wrong you are," he moves to take a step down, but Aelin stops him with a hand to the shoulder. "What is it?"

Aelin points to his towel, "I don't think they will serve guests without pants."

The flush that Aelin loves his back full force as he scrambles the other direction up the stairs. "Shit. Give me five minutes. I'll be right back. Aedion better have not locked out or I swear-"

Rowan's embarrassed tirade quiets as he charges up to his dorm to change. Aelin smiling as he goes. She can't believe she's going out to dinner with a guy like that.

Opening her phone, she sends a quick heart emoji to her cousin. He instantly replies back with one of his own. Aedion may have moved to college, but he still had her back at the end of the day. Even if it wasn't in the most ideal way.

Rowan comes back down the stairs moments later, and she's not disappointed by what she sees. He took the time to put on a flannel shirt and comb some gel through his hair. While the view without clothes had been pleasant, Aelin could definitely appreciate this look too.

"I'm ready if you are," Rowan extends an arm to help her down the stairs.

It's such a fussy, old-man move, and she loves it.

"Let's go."

#rowaelinmonth #rowaelin month #throne of glass #rowaelin #fanfic #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #tog #fluff #college au #day two

[okay-tumbler]

I want to make a post about something really quickly. Kind of a TED Talk, if you will, on my biggest anti-binging tip. It is, quite literally, eating your cravings!

I follow a dietitian on YouTube named Abby Sharp and I love her videos. Before anyone says anything about her past with orthorexia, I want to make it clear that I genuinely watch her videos for educational purposes because they don't trigger that ana voice. Half of the time, I'm watching her while eating and her videos give me a lot of insight on what recovery will entail for me personally.

Anyways, away from the disclaimer. I see on my feed all the time this scenario:

I'm really craving a cookie. Instead of eating cookies I'll have a granola bar instead because I can't just eat one cookie. Damn, it didn't work and now the craving is worse. Good thing I have sugar free candy! I binged...

This is what Abby calls the "satisfaction hunt". I have heard her talk about it in so many videos. Eventually, I gave it a try. I won't say I don't binge anymore, but one craving no longer leads me into a full binge. Basically, when we try to tip toe around our cravings, we end up consuming more trying to chase that satisfaction than if we had just given into a serving of the craving in the first place. I do want to stress A SERVING. Whatever feels comfortable to you.

This is why if you look at my personal calorie diaries, I often include ice cream (even non diet ones), pasta, mashed potatoes, and other foods that a lot of the community deems "fear foods". I'm currently working on ELIMINATING fear foods.

Why? Because when we say a food is "bad" it creates novelty with that food. Now it's a special food and we crave it because we "can't have it". This is a reason why having "cheats days" is actually detrimental to weight loss! When we give ourselves one day to eat all of those foods we've been craving, it reinforces the idea that some foods are good and some foods are bad. The thing is, moderation is the key to weight loss.

I had pasta today and it was FANTASTIC! I love pasta. It is my favorite food. Now, I've had an eating disorder for 6 years. In those 6 years, I made pasta a "no" or would only let myself have frozen pasta meals less than 300kcals. Because of this, cravings for pasta would lead to 3,000 kcal binges and ruin my progress. Since adding pasta into my diet, I haven't binged on it once!

At the same time, I want to talk about something else, making those cravings not only emotionally satisfying, but physically satisfying too. Pasta in itself is not filling for me. Most of the time when I do eat it, I just have a low calorie tomato sauce with it. Today, I threw in some ground tofu in the mix. It only added 55kcals to the meal, but I'm still satisfied 4 hours later.

Another reason why you should start eliminating fear foods and figuring out ways to add them back into your diet is to help you out later. One of my biggest fears with recovery is gaining all of the weight back or more. When I was 17 I was forced into recovery with the threat of being kicked out of my parents' house. I developed a binge disorder and not only gained all the weight back, but 30lbs extra. I'd never been medically overweight, but suddenly I was. When I decide to recover, I want it to be successful the first time for my future wife, children, and myself.

It all goes back to destroying the idea of novelty with your favorite foods. When people recover from restrictive eating disorders, they typically binge all of the foods they wouldn't let themselves have instead of working on restoring hunger cues and healing their bodies and brains. This will further hurt your metabolism. Our metabolisms are already shit! We are already furthering our chances of severe stomach problems. Developing a binge disorder only shocks your metabolism more and is not restoring it.

Personally, I set goals for myself. My latest one was mashed potatoes and I did it. Yes, I used a packaged pre-measured-servings cup with a comfortable calorie count printed on the label, but I still did it. I've defeated that fear food. My next goals are chocolate, avocado, and cheese.

My next step for eliminating binging (as much as someone who restricts can) is ending all or nothing thinking with food. If I go to a restaurant and get a veggie burger, the restricting is over. I binge. That's a post for another time though.

#anorexik #model thin #eating disoder things #an0rex1a #ana fast #anorexjk #dying to be thin #eating problems #edbllr #it's not as simple as just eating #anorexja #anarexiz #ana recipes #not pr0 anything #tw ana stuff #bulimxa #0 calories #eating disoder mention #disordered eating tw #tw eating mention #tw ed things #ed diet #thin insp0 #thin inspo #thin inspiration #tw ed in the tags #model thins #notprojustaddingtags #n0t pr0 #pro 4na

[parvus-pica]

end of year meme - 12, 15, 48, 49, 50

12. What was your favorite movie of the year?

Legend of Deification/Jiang Ziya. Though it came out in 2020, but it was the absolute best movie I've seen this year.

15. Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

Genshin Impact sure took most of my time. I played it religiously for half of this year and was very invested in a Discord group of the game. Until I realized it was practically taking over my life and I quit a few months ago.

Right now it's Arcane. It's been a week since I've finished watching it but I still haven't recovered emotionally and still am baffled how goddamn good that show is.

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do? Who would you go with?

I was gonna go shopping with my mom in London around Christmas once so if Covid and money weren't an issue I'd finally do that I think.

49. What do you wish for others for the coming year?

I seriously wish upon you that you find what you're looking for, whatever that may be.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

That my neighbour moves away and we can take his house

That my therapy actually works and I'll be able to value myself more and stop constantly sacrificing myself for others.

#thanks for asking! #also seriously #watch arcane #ignore that it's LoL #just watch it please

[proflongbttm]

Dating George Weasley headcannon:

I've been out of any story ideas so here you go!!

Him calling you "love" and "sweetheart"

You two dancing around like fools when your favourite songs come on

And singing your lungs out

You volunteer to be a test subject to some of his Weasley wheezes products

George didn't like it, he thought slipping products to filch was still a solid plan.

"Fred no,"

"FRED YES-"

It was a bad idea.

You soon found out there was no spells for regrowing eyelashes

George said you still looked great though ;)

"Hows the lashes baldy?"

"FRED,"

He's a relative fan of PDA, (hand holding,  an occasional kiss on the cheek or lips, leaning on each other ect)

Kisses you goodbye if you have different classes

But you're always either holding hands or linking arms when you're with each other

If you're sitting beside each other, it’s underneath the tables or desks.

He enjoys being able to know you're there in some way

Loves hugging you from behind and giving you a kiss on the cheek

Is very proud to be with you

You are a lot calmer then he is

There has to be a balance of chaos

Or the world night explode idk

But you are a lot calmer and senseable

Doesn't mean you don't have fun though.

You both living off of sweets

It's a miracle you both still have teeth

Especially George

How

Does

He

Have

Such

Good

Teeth?!??

Your dentist hates you because of him

He loves anything orange or apple flavour.

Him and Fred brought Ginny trick or treating a few times but took most o fthe sweets afterwarss

Now you and him just buy loads anytime

Getting piggy back rides when "your feet hurt"

So all the time

He tried to braid your hair once when you were relaxing

It just becomes a mass of tangled fluff.

"But Ginny makes it look so easy!! "

He apologized a lot afterwards while you ripped through your hair with a brush

"You know, I think the 'dragged through a bush' look really suits you. "

Fred and George always checking if you will mix them up.

George always hopes you wont

Fred hopes you will

You recognize the different scars on their faces, George has one by his nose from falling off his broom when he was six

Fred has one above his eyebrow from running into a tree like last week

So you find it easy to tell them apart Georges delight and Freds dismay.

"Hey there gorgeous-"

"Hey there Fred."

"HOW DOES SHE DO IT I-"

Helping him plan parties in the gryffindor common room, making sure they won't get caught.

Doing his homework helping him with his homework

Him copying your work helping him in class

Reassuring him. That he doesn't need lots of O. W. L. S to be successful or happy.

And making sure he knows that he is smart, it takes a lot of intelligence to create all the products he has with Fred.

Him passing notes to you in class. Often its "Hey Beautiful" and a badly drawn drawing of him winking.

One time Snape caught him and made him read it out, which George didn't care about.

He stood up proudly, look straight at you with a smile. "Alright love? " and winked at you.

Never gone so red in your life.

"OI GET A ROOM YOU TWO," (Fred)

It got all three of you into a nice and long detention.

That's where you spend a lot of time really

Filches nightmare

You three are a troubling trio indeed

(Secretly McGonagall loves it)

Its a mystery how Gryffindor won the house cup with you three around.

You help him plan pranks with Fred.

Making sure it's executed correctly so they won't get caught or leave evidence behind.

Sometimes you get pranked too, but George knows when he's crossed a line.

They sent you a howler before

You've never ran out of the great hall so fast, only to find it was Fred and George screaming "YOURE WELCOME" and that was it.

You were a little pissed after that one because of the slytherins mocking you.

But he made it up.

He is more emotionally aware than Fred

He knows where the line is and respects it

Isn't afraid to open up to you and talk to you.

About how much he adores you

Lots of cuddles

George is usually big spoon because of his height, but when he's in a bad mood he will be little spoon and let you play with his hair while he sulks

Always saves you a seat in the great hall beside him.

Fred pretends to be offended by this

"I don't see you saving ME a seat Georgie!"

Sometimes if you haven't spoken in a while or if you look sad he'll lightly nudge you and just smile at you, which always makes you smile back.

Shows you the secret passageway to Hogsmede and you both go on secret dates there on the weekends

Smuggling sweets from Honeydukes back to the school along with Zonko products.

Making a small business out of selling them in between Hogsmede trips or too the first and second years

Him sneaking into your common room (if in different houses) to cuddle.

For such a tall and noticeable boy he very rarely gets caught

If you're a hufflepuff you steal food from the kitchen for them because your common room is closer.

You attending all his quidditch matches and practices

He loves showing off to you during them.

Freds not happy about it

"Hey loverboy watch what you're doing!!"

He got knocked off of his broom mid backflip before

Fred brings it up every now and again to embaress him

"Hey Georgie I didn't take you for a gymnast, id stick to my day job mate. "

Took about a week for his pride to recover

And two weeks for his ribs

For christmas you get him and Fred new Bats that say their names on the handles and "Wealseys Wizard Wheezes" across them in a huge font

They both love them

"Thanks. sweetheart,"

"Yeah, thanks sweetheart."

"Oh, shove off Fred,"

If he can't afford to buy you something, he'll make it. He made a picture frame full of pictures of you both. The frame had your name across it and it changed color depending on the time of day.

You almost cried it was so cute

He was proud after that

Molly makes you a sweater at Christmas now,  it's the same color as George's

You both wear them with pride all christmas day

Draco Malfoy laughed at you for wearing it

"Now that you're with a Weasley you can't afford better clothes, hm Y/N? "

You had to hold George back from pouncing on him

You didn't stop him from cursing at him

He makes sure you know how much he cares in little ways, always checking up, little smiles, and just being there for you.

He can have a really foul mouth when he wants to

"Little blonde git. It would be really sad if a firework slipped into his jumper tomorrow don't you think y/n? "

Next day in the great hall half of Malfoys hair got singed of by a firework that burst into "Fuck you Malfoy" with a middle finger in the air.

Best part it you didnt get caught

Hough Snape was sure it was you

He had no proof at all

Because of your fine planning

"Now that was wicked, thanks for the help love."

He loves you

He really does

And he isn't afraid to show it

#george weasley #george weasley x reader #harry potter imagine #harry potter #fred weasley #fred weasley x reader #dating george weasley #hp #may says stuff #text post #molly weasley #George weasley headcannon #George weasley imagine