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grogusmum · 3 years

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Seven Tears part 2

SELKIE!EZRA X F!READER

Months after being abandoned, she does something rash, and summons a selkie, who wishes to bring her comfort and maybe more.

WARNING: Olde timey gender norms, spouse abandonment, mentions of food. Angst, but you know it’s me, so soft angst. Quick fisticuffs. Discussions of weight, weight loss due to depression. Att: folx who have been imagining a larger reader, the weight loss is relative. I am not indicating anything except that reader has dropped a significant amount as one sometimes does due to stress and depression. This reader character is not thin unless you decide she is. And she is not under weight. Family aes are introduced in this chapter, they are the popular names of the time in Ireland. And of course, Ezra is a selkie, yes, it deserves its own warning. Excessive use of pet names.

(as always see something say something. please let me know in my DMs if there is a warning I missed)

W/C: 4100ish

NOTES: There are many legends of the Selkie, from Scotland and Ireland to Iceland, Faroe Islands, and the Shetland Islands. All different, but they have a family resemblance. More notes at the end. This is my first fic with Ezra… wish me luck!

UPDATE A/N 11/19/22: As some of you know, I decided to go back to older fics to check to see if I was coding my readers unintentionally. I posted my intentions and set to work. I was caught off guard by this one. As I had done a pretty good job of not using descriptors that coded the reader, when there maybe something that would unintentionally give the impression of the readers size, I clarified in the the notes and warnings. But I found a problem.

As the cultures with the selkie lore are predominately white with light hair etc, Ezra’s being identified as a selkie solely by his coloring created a comparison with the reader- though it is never mentioned. So I’ve bent the lore a bit because it’s fic and I can do what I want and I want an inclusive reader. Besides I already adapted the lore so that Ezra could be a selkie, and we all agree Ezra is a perfect selkie, but the prevailing lore is dk brown/ black hair freckles and piercing blue eyes. So I hope everyone can have open minds and hearts to the changes. And for those who have read this fic before and find some alteration. I do welcome your thoughts in my asks and DMs. BIPOC if this was a fic that you tried and felt lefyt out of, my humblest apologies, I hope you will give it another try, and again I welcome your thoughts.

I hope you enjoy the Tale of the Seven Tears

Gaelic translations

a stóirín little treasure

A chuisle mo chroí pulse of my heart

Part 1

“Tell me,” Ezra says, continuing to nuzzle into you.

“He just left. He was crew on a fishing boat. He set sail and he never – he never came back,” you said fresh tears streaming. “And now I’ve summoned you, like a fool. It’s selfish and self-defeating.”

“How is that,” he pulls away, his brows knit, his plush lips set in a frown. His hands glide up your back and down comfortingly.

“Because I know. You will, you will leave too! And all the while you stay is a testament to my selfishness. You will pine for the sea, you cannot enter the water like this!”

“Well that, mo stóirín (mu store -een), is for me to be concerned with. And not enter the water? An old wife’s tale, if ever I heard one. I cannot swim the way I do with my seal hide, I can not hold my breath for as long- pretty poorly if you want to know the truth. But I can enter the water just fine. Worry not.

“I’m sorry,” you say anyway, knowing he is only is placating.

“Do not be, lovely pearl.”

“Any happiness I feel with you is stolen,” you mutter into his shoulder.

“It isn’t,” Erza's voice becomes forceful, though not without kindness, bringing your chin up so he may look you in the eye. “I have watched you and pined to be near you, to hold you and be kin.”

“Ezra-“

“I want to kiss you,” he says earnestly, and here you laugh, wondering what did you summon out of the depths. This must be a dream.

“You have been kissing me, silly,” you say.

“Well yes. I suppose that is true,” he says thoughtfully. “I should clarify I desire to kiss your sweet lips.”

“Oh,” now you feel silly that for some reason, suddenly, you feel bashful.

“May I?” Ezra waits.

“You may,” you whisper, nodding slowly.

Ezra leans in, his eyes half-closed, but still watching you. His hand moves from your chin to your cheek.

“Soft,” he whispers, with a sigh, and brings his lips to yours. It’s electric, you melt into him, and he into you. The kiss stays gentle, almost chaste. He pulls away, then is about to move back in, but you pull back a little. You can feel, sitting on his lap, where this could go, and you’re not sure you are entirely ready.

“Are you hungry,” you ask suddenly.

Ezra looks at you, his eyebrows rising, one corner of his mouth quirking in a smile and you laugh.

“Would you like to ea- like some food?”

It is his turn to laugh, it comes as a bit of a bark.

“Yes, mo stóirín,” He says, he leans back, his hands going back to caressing your back. “Though, if I am honest, I do believe I could sustain myself on you alone.”

“I do not,” you smile and climb off his lap, you both feel the loss and sigh. “You can take your boots off and put them by the door, dare I ask where you got those clothes?”

“Probably best not to,” Ezra takes off the boots with a thankful groan. When he stands you let out a giggle at his pants.

“We will have to find you clothes that fit.”

“Yes, but most importantly,” Ezra lifts the seal pelt, “where to put this for safekeeping?”

You become serious. And bring him, haste over propriety, into your bedroom and pull a stone out of the hearth and show Ezra.

“Will it fit?”

He looks and places the bundle in the space.

“May I?” Ezra asks hand outstretched for the stone, you hand it to him, and he sets it in place “Does anyone know of this ingenious hidey-hole?”

“None but my hus- but… Colin.”

Ezra surmises who Colin is. Was. And nods, pulling you in for a hug, when he begins to nuzzle your neck again, you laugh and pull away.

“Let me see what I can find for you to wear. You are about Colin’s height.”

You lay out some clothes on the bed realizing it is covered in a wedding ring quilt. Ezra takes off what he is wearing without a second thought. Your face heats and you turn away, biting your lip and looking at the ceiling.

“We may have to go over some things about living among people.”

“Oh, I understand the rules, sweet pearl.”

You’re positive you could cook an egg on your heated face.

“I am decent, and I think they fit fine.”

You turn and you try to disassociate the clothes from their former owner, but your wet eyes betray you.

“Come here,” Ezra brings you into his arms. You feel so safe in them, their warm strength. You breathe his scent in again and calm. Is this real, you wondered, is it part of the magic? Does it matter? Your eyes prickle at the thought, yes it matters. What about him? He says he watched you from afar… but-

“I’m starved, let’s get some food on the table,” you say, for now banishing the questions, so you may feel all these missed feelings, for a while anyway.

You knew societal rules were being broken left, right, and center already, regardless of Ezra's place of origin. But you felt you had to follow some, for fear of the consequences, at the very least. So, Ezra was to sleep in the room off the kitchen. Ezra, respectful of your efforts, tells you he is perfectly fine with whatever you need, though his mischievous smirk makes you wonder. You talked well into the night and going to your separate rooms proved difficult. But after some additional pulls into his arms for one more kiss or hug, you made it to your room and he to his.

Waking in the night to a sound you cannot place, you listen, the house all but silent, and just when you close your eyes, thinking you were mistaken, you hear a door. You put on the lamp and pull back the quilt. A shiver runs through you from the chill when your feet touch the cold floor. You are not frightened, just curious, so you open the door wide.

Ezra looks up as your bedroom door opens and there you are, mostly in silhouette. The light behind you shines a halo around your head and through your long cotton nightgown, he can make out your form through it. Ezra stands stock still in the darkened sitting room, in the thermal long johns and socks you gave him.

“I apologize for waking you, little pearl,” he says. “I am regrettably wakeful. I came looking for a book to pass the time.”

“I mean no disrespect, but I didn’t know you could read,” You say, unaware of the effect you are having on him. “Did you find something to you liking?”

He barks that laugh of his, and after a beat, he holds up a small volume.

“Why yes, erm, I can and I did.”

You slide into your slippers and pull a wool sweater around you, then join him in the sitting room. You put on a small lamp and sit on the settee and pat the spot next to you. Ezra sits, eager to be close, and shows you the book. You pull a scrap quilt over both of your legs.

“Oh, I haven’t read this in years.” You say taking it in your hands, it was a small book of collected poems, all about the sea. You begin to read together.

Waking before daylight; you are in your bed. You remember setting your alarm clock for this time, because… You spend a healthy 10 minutes trying to decide if yesterday was a dream, but no amount of pinching is as convincing as looking at the disturbed stone in the hearth. You called upon a selkie, and he came. He is in the room off the kitchen and he is everything you could possibly hope for, but… you remind yourself this whole thing is but a glamour. It will relieve your pain for a while but it can not possibly last.

You get up, make breakfast for yourself and run off to the family fishmongery to help with the morning duties. You leave Ezra a note

Dear Ezra,

I am off to work, will be home before lunch help yourself to anything in the larder and icebox.

♡

Your father, Patrick, bids you a bewildered good morning.

“Darlin’ you know we prefer you out front, at the counter,” your father says, as he follows you to the small yard where your cousins are working at long counter-high tables.

“I know, Da. But I thought I could help in the early morning for the next few weeks.” You say trying to sound casual, putting on a rubber apron and get right to gutting and cleaning. You were good and fast, but your parents wished for their daughter to greet customers and not have fish guts under her fingernails.

“Your Mam wants you to try on your dress on before she calls it done.”

“Okay, when I finish up here and I'll go right over,” You say slicing through a white fish, he looks at you. “I can clean up at your house.”

After several hours of gutting and cleaning you hose off your boots and hands, then make your way to the house behind the monger.

“Mam!” You shout, “I’m here put the dress on!”

“Oh good, love!” Dierdre bustles into the sitting room from the kitchen, “Sweet Mother- What? Have you been gutting?”

“Yes,” you say matter of factly, “I’ll get cleaned up, and put it on.”

“Alright,” she chuckles, shaking her head, “clean up well! Your cousin will not take kindly to her Maid of Honor’s dress smelling of Haddock!”

“It was white fish, and I know that!” you tease and run into the washroom and start scrubbing. “Um, mam… I can bring a guest to the wedding, can I?”

“Well, yes, but who?” Your mother asks bewildered

“I, um met someone, and we… hit… it… off.”

“Where did you meet someone?”

“On the strand.”

“On the strand?! Who?”

His name is Ezra and he just, um, come ashore, and we got on well, so...”

You come out dressed in an off-the-shoulder emerald dress.

“Oh, love, you look beautiful,” your mother says hands to her heart. “Step up on the stool, dear.”

You do as your asked and she pins the hem of the tea-length skirt and checks the waist.

“You need to eat,” she says pinching the waist of the dress.

“I know,” you say, knowing you have not eaten as you should in these last months. “I will. I am feeling better, Mam.”

Dierdre finishes pinning and takes your hand to help you down and pulls you into a hug.

“Is this newfound appetite due to this Ezra?” She smiles.

You smile, “maybe.”

You were home at half past noon, arms full of food your mother insisted you take, after fussing at the state of you.

“I’m home,” you call, plopping the bag and parcels on the kitchen table. “I’m sorry I wanted to get back sooner- I should have known.”

“What should you have known, little pearl?” Ezra asks, smiling as he comes in from the back door. You smile at the pet name.

“Me mam,” you say simply, as he takes you by the arms with urgency and brings you to him.

“Ah, there. Detaching oneself from their mother has always proved far trickier business than one would ever presume.” His head rubs yours, and little kisses are peppered wherever he fancies, your closed eyes, your brow, a cheek, under your jaw.

“What of detaching oneself from her selkie?” You giggle as the kisses are light and playful.

“Well, first one must inquire why they would ever want to do such a preposterous thing!”

Suddenly, his eyes crinkle, twinkling with mischief, “besides, we have not even truly entered into that arena. Now have we, moonbeam?”

“Cheeky,” you chuckle, face heating.

“Let’s luncheon on the strand,” he says suddenly.

Your afternoon meal became a full day out by the water, walking hand in hand, talking about nothing and everything. Reading aloud to one another from another favorite book of poems. You could have listened to Ezra read until the last page, only to ask him to turn the book right back to the front and begin again.

Ezra suggests supper at the pub, insisting he is cousin to the very fine cook of the establishment. Earning him a sidelong look from you, Ezra responds by giving his barking laugh. But Fergus greets you both in his usual welcoming manner. Tilda looks at the two of you appraising. You sit by the fire, after a day at the seaside the two of you could use some warming. The room smells of Guinness and hearty cooking. It is warm both in temperature and hospitality as the fire crackles merrily. Ezra looks into the fire, eyes blinking from the heat.

“Are we too close?” you ask.

“No, my pearl. Lir knows I could use a warmup. Sometimes this hide,” Ezra looks around furtively, “just doesn’t keep these bones warm!”

Tilda comes to the table, a curiously knowing smile on her face. She smiles warmly at Ezra and places a friendly hand on your shoulder-

“What can I get you two dears?”

You order the day's stew and Ezra insists on a half loaf of what he regales as the very best bread he has ever tasted. Tilda, smiling, shakes her head and tells you he is a charmer of the dangerous variety. But her mirth counters any warning. Soon Fergus comes over to bring your stouts and say hello, treating Ezra as a dear old friend.

The evening at the pub is full of laughter and wonderful food, Ezra’s hand finding yours many times, under the table his foot touching yours. Occasionally you notice him looking to one corner of the room. His face darkening and the shadow of the selkie flitting across his eyes. After the second time you ask him about it, but he brushes it off with a crooked smile-

“None for you to worry on, moonbeam.”

After you eat, a sumptuous bread pudding arrives, “on the house”.

“What did you do?” you ask Ezra, joking, and when you thank Tilda, she winks.

“I believe I told you, I have kin here,” Ezra’s tone is serious, but the twinkle in his eye makes you not so sure, so you laugh bemused.

Yet, the jovial evening is not to last. For it may be that those of the village believed in selkies and would not dare harm a seal, reasons differ. For some, it is wonder or reverence, and for others, it is fear. And where there is fear, there is hostility.

Two fishermen, one of which is your brother-in-law who lives in a neighboring village, are less than pleased by your company. They had sat unnoticed by you in the corner. But not by Ezra.

“Not a year since my brother, your husband’s disappearance,” Jamie booms, as he saunters over, his cheeks ruddy. “Yet here you are cozying up to some fellow.”

“Not just some fellow, look at him,” says his companion, Tom. You know Tom, you grew up with him, though you were never particularly fond. He was the class bully. He's mellowed over the years but he had never fully grown out of it.

You cast your eyes to the table, feeling fairly humiliated, though you are relieved your eyes are dry. Ezra's eyes are on you, his large warm hands on yours. You look up, eyes on Jamie-

“Your brother,” the strength of your voice surprises you, “My husband deserted me. And you, James Michael, have hardly said two words to me since that day!”

Ezra gives your hand a squeeze, and then his slides off yours as he stands. He brings his chin up so his hooded eyes are cast downward, he smiles. It is not a smile you have yet to see.

“Gentlemen, please, of what concern is it to you, who your sister is-“

“Sister-in-law” Jamie corrects, backing up.

“I stand corrected, Jamie, very true, your sister-in-law,” Ezra concedes, his smile never wavering, his eyes never leaving Jaime. “I must say it only compounds my point, friend. With whom she, your sister-in-law, spends her time, after your brother in blood abandoned her… concerns you, how Jamie? Seems to me, your efforts and concern may be better placed on your brother. Where might he be, with whom might he be spending his time.”

Your eyes shine momentarily at that hard truth, but only for a moment. Your heart is far too busy swelling at being so defended. Jaime and Tom crowd Ezra, and Ezra’s smile widens dangerously. You stand quickly.

“Boys, boys,” You say, you place a hand on Ezra's chest, and some of the tension lessens, “please. Tilda and Fergus don’t want a brawl in their place. What would your mam say, Jaime? Tom? Going Donnybrook, like common riffraff. You are grown men.”

Other patrons gather loosely, some looking sheepishly at you, others looking on with suspicion at Ezra. You wait for the shoe to drop; it doesn’t take long.

“But he is no man,” Tom says, his hand going to take your arm, “he is a selkie! Like all selkie men, taking our women when they are weak!”

You are about to register your outrage, but Ezra has already knocked him to the floor, and he has you about your waist. You didn’t even see.

Ezra had seen red the moment Tom's hand went to grab you, pulling you to him with one hand and giving Tom a punch in the mouth with the other. Fergus was around the bar like a shot, Tilda looking aghast. The crowd hollered their outrage.

“Now, now! Settle! Fellows, be off with you,” Fergus looks at Tom and Jamie. “I expected more from a Kelly, though we have already seen one be a disgrace to his family! Off with you! And the rest of you- quit your gawking!”

“Fergus, I most humbly apologize,” Ezra says, the dangerous energy, gone as quickly as it set in. “Tilda, I beg your pardon.”

“Don’t you think on it, love” She says from behind the board. “They were bang out of order.”

“I am afraid they won’t be the only ones…” you sigh. You pay for dinner with a generous gratuity, you insist upon.

You and Ezra walk wearily into your little home. As soon as the door closes, Ezra turns you to face him, his soulful dark eyes looking over your face, as if searching for injury. The care in his eyes brings fresh tears. His warm hands take your cheeks, and he runs one of his thumbs over your cheekbone to wipe away the stray tear silently rolling down your face.

“What gave me away do you think?”

Oh, Ezra,” you laugh mirthlessly, “you show up out of nowhere… you look- your eyes d-dance…or change… I’m not sure how to describe it.”

Ezra brings you in close, his arms tightly around you, you place your head on his shoulder and sigh.

“And well, your hair and beard are fairly long and unruly,” you look up at him, “to their thinking anyway.”

"Well, I have no power to change the unseemly behavior of my eyes, nor how I came to be with you, something I will never be regretful of, my pearl. But cutting my hair, that I can do. Or rather you can.”

“Your eyes are not unseemly- they are beautiful and if maybe untamed… I should miss your curls,” you say ruefully, “are you sure?”

“Hair grows, and perhaps folks can move passed the other things if they are not so reminded.”

“True,” you say, hoping he is right.

“Well, no time like the present, moonbeam.”

"What happened to pearl?"

Anything that shines, my love, that is what you are.”

Your eyes cast down as you smile. You take his hand and lead him to the kitchen. Pulling a chair from the table to the sink, you pat the seat. As you pass the radio, you flip it on; music softly plays.

“Take off your shirt, we don’t want it soaked through,” you say as you bustle around, pulling shampoo, scissors, a comb, and with the barest hint of hesitation, Colin’s shaving kit from the bathroom, then a towel from a shelf.

“Yes, ma’am,” he calls with a smile, and he takes his shirt off, drapes it over the other kitchen chair, and sits. You lean over him to turn the faucet on, testing the water. His eyes never leave you, a smirk on his lips, and his arms wrap around your waist.

“Now, Ezra, if I am to cut your hair…”

He releases you, hands in the air.

“Alright, moonbeam, I will desist!”

You lean his head back into the sink and fill a pitcher with warm water. As you pour it over his hair, your other hand guides the water back, your fingers in his curls. He sighs happily, eyes closed. With a little shampoo in your palm, you work it into his hair, he opens his eyes to watch, as you lean over him, both hands in his hair massaging his scalp. His sounds of contentment, begin to do their work on you, that same electricity running down your spine on the first night. Trying to stay focused, you create a good lather and rinse. Soon the water runs through his hair soap-free, guiding him forward, and blotting his hair with the towel, you then drape it over his shoulders.

You comb through his hair from behind him, when you move around to his front, his hands come out to hold your hips.

“I shall behave, on my honor, but may I just-” he almost pouts, as he twists your hips. He gives you a look that cannot be denied. Big soft brown eyes looking up at you. With a roll of your eyes, you huff, and kiss the top of his head, allowing him to hold your hips.

“When I have the scissors, you must be good, love.” You try to say sternly, pointing the comb at him but the quirk of your mouth betrays you.

After combing out any knots, you pick up the scissors. You point at him with them, a stern look, with one eye closed. He barks a little laugh. Running your fingers through Ezra's damp hair, you close your fingers together, lifting the section, and letting it slide through slowly. You snip a few inches away and let it float to the floor. Again and again, you repeat this action, sometimes looking at it critically, measuring, comparing… he watches you curiously, gazing at the look of concentration written across your face.

Then your eyes move from assessing his hair to his eyes, his cheeks in your hands.

“I loved your long hair, but you look quite handsome,” you say kissing him. He takes this opportunity to tug you onto his lap and you end up straddling him on the chair. The kiss deepens, his tongue begs entrance into your mouth and you grant it. Ezra’s resolve crumbles and his arms are tight around you. Both pulling you closer to his chest and down on his lap. Your bodies can’t help but respond, your hips buck, Ezra groans, and his kissing becomes nips and bites, on your lips, chin, your neck, and shoulder.

“Your beard!” You cry out in surprise at his strength, as he lifts you. You wrap your legs around his waist, and the grunt he issues is primal.

"It can wait"

Ezra looks at you, then at the door to the bedroom, where he has not gone since stowing his seal pelt, and then locks onto your eyes. The question, unspoken, but understood. Keeping contact with those fathomless eyes now blown black. Ezra's resolve is not the only one to crumble, after only a day, propriety is thrown out the window. A cat-like grin spreads across your face as you nod, good judgment out the window.

He gives another grunt, nuzzling into the crook of your neck, blowing air through his nose in a burst, his mustaches bristling.

“My luminous moonbeam, my precious shining pearl, a chuisle mo chroí (ah coo-shil mu cree) you have no idea how exultant you make me,” Ezra says carrying you to the bedroom. He looks into your face, his brow knit together, “you are sure, I do not dare take what is not given without reservation.”

“I am, come what may, sweet Ezra. I thank my lucky stars for you,” you tell him.

Ezra brings you both down onto the bed reverently and begins to unbutton your blouse. Each touch causes your heart to race, and your breath comes quickly. Looking at his beautiful face, there is nothing else, but the two of you. He opens your blouse and exposes your camisole. His finger plays at the two straps, the thin one of your camisole and the wider bra strap, then it runs under the thin strap as he peppers kisses over the newly revealed skin, and it is you, who moans.

You become vaguely aware of the music drifting from the sitting room, Beyond the Sea…

It's far beyond the stars

It's near beyond the moon

I know beyond a doubt

My heart will lead me there soon

We'll meet beyond the shore

We'll kiss just as before

Happy we'll be beyond the sea

And never again I'll go sailing

Part 3

THANK YOU FOR READING! 💚

You can find more of my writing here MASTERLIST and if you would care to be tagged for this or any of my writing fill out my taglist form

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kaijudyke · 3 years

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hello my friends! as you may or may not be aware i have a healthy obsession with the ballad of tam lin, and today i would like to talk to you about the abundance of parallels between tam lin and star trek deep space nine s02e22 the wire! i will be summarizing the ballad for you so you do not need to be familiar with it! strap in for a long analysis and join me under the cut 💖

1. a summary of the ballad in broad strokes

(all excerpts in this section from child 39A)

tam lin is a scottish folktale about a young woman named janet who goes to the forest of carterhaugh, which is known to be guarded by a fairy called tam lin.

O I forbid you, maidens a', That wear gowd on your hair, To come or gae by Carterhaugh, For young Tam Lin is there.

(janet is aware of this, and goes anyway. one of my favorite running themes in the ballad is janet being incredibly headstrong and cocky.) she picks a few roses, he appears and tells her to stop, she stands up to him, and they end up sleeping together (and, ostensibly, falling in love). she returns home to her father's castle pregnant. her father and the other men at the castle are very concerned about her pregnancy, but she defies them and tells her father that this is her own responsibility and that she'd rather be with tam lin than any human nobleman:

If that I gae wi child, father, Mysel maun bear the blame, There's neer a laird about your ha, Shall get the bairn's name. If my love were an earthly knight, As he's an elfin grey, I wad na gie my ain true-love For nae lord that ye hae.

janet goes back to carterhaugh to pick abortifacient herbs and terminate the pregnancy, since she believes she and tam lin will never be able to be together. tam lin reappears and asks her to stop, and she asks him to tell her more about himself (in many versions she asks him if he's a christian), looking for any reason not to give up on him:

"Why pu's thou the rose, Janet, Amang the groves sae green, And a' to kill the bonny babe That we gat us between?" "O tell me, tell me, Tam Lin," she says, "For's sake that died on tree, If eer ye was in holy chapel, Or christendom did see?"

he tells her that he's human like her, but was taken by the fairy queen as a child. he also says that the fairies pay a tithe to hell every seven years, and he's worried this time they're going to sacrifice him. he tells her how to save him: she must be at miles cross at midnight on all hallow's eve, when the fairies ride by, and she must pull him down from his horse and hold on to him as the fairies change his shape several times.

"They'll turn me in your arms, lady, Into an esk and adder, But hold me fast, and fear me not, I am your bairn's father. "They'll turn me to a bear sae grim, And then a lion bold, But hold me fast, and fear me not, And ye shall love your child. "Again they'll turn me in your arms To a red het gand of airn, But hold me fast, and fear me not, I'll do you nae harm. "And last they'll turn me in your arms Into the burning gleed, Then throw me into well water, O throw me in with speed. "And then I'll be your ain true-love, I'll turn a naked knight, Then cover me wi your green mantle, And hide me out o sight."

(the exact details of the transformations vary between versions, but some of the most common shapes he has to go through are adder, newt, lion, hot coal, and burning iron. if you're interested in the variations, i highly recommend this page!) once the transformations are done, he instructs her to wrap him in her green cloak, after which the fairies won't have a claim to him anymore. janet follows his instructions and successfully saves him, much to the dismay of the fairy queen.

2. janet, julian, and their relationships

whichever version of tam lin you are reading, janet is a character with a ton of agency. she has no qualms about encroaching on tam lin's territory (in fact she tells him in no uncertain terms that the forest is hers), and there is some indication that she might have gone to carterhaugh specifically because she wanted to sleep with tam lin; she's said to be wearing a green dress, and since the color green was associated with the fae, wearing green to a fairy wood is pretty clearly inviting their attention. (in medieval literature, green was also sometimes associated with love and sex.)

it's not hard to draw a parallel between janet's decision to pursue tam lin despite the danger he represents and julian's immediate fascination with garak in past prologue even though (or rather because) he suspects him to be a spy. also of note is that janet and tam lin's relationship begins with an argument, where her willingness to challenge him seems to be what draws him to her. one of my favorite retellings, by james p. spence, emphasizes this:

‘I'm here tae guard these woods, tae see that naebodie nor nothing disturbs their peace.’ ‘An was it ma father that gave ye such a job?’ ‘Naw it wasnae.’ ‘Weel, there ye are then. It should be you that's asking ma permission tae set foot in these woods, because it is ma father that owns them.’ Then the young man's face rose up intae a smile that seemed many a long year since it was last there. (scottish borders folk tales, james p. spence, p. 114-115)

i'm sure i don't need to tell you that this is reminiscent not only of garak and julian's fondness for debate but of the way cardassians show romantic interest. more than that, though, i think there's something to be said for the way these relationships are treated by other people in the characters' lives. janet's father and his knights are troubled by her pregnancy, and they clearly think she should be with a normal, respectable man, preferably one of said knights, given that she feels the need to remark "There's neer a knight about your ha / Shall hae the bairnie's name." (child 39I) in the wire, when julian tells jadzia he wishes garak would trust him, she replies "why should he? it's not like the two of you are really friends." julian's friends do not understand why he spends so much time with garak—a cardassian, a spy, an outcast, someone who can't be trusted.

in both cases it's easy enough to see where they're coming from; being pregnant out of wedlock with a fairy's child is certainly not an ideal situation for a young noblewoman to find herself in, and it's remarkably foolish for a starfleet officer to have regular lunch dates with someone he believes to be an enemy spy. but janet and julian are both stubborn, and more interested in what's adventurous and exciting than what's good for them. (remember that, like janet knowingly going to pick roses in a forest guarded by fairies, julian wanted the position on ds9 because he wanted to try his hand at "frontier medicine"; misguided as he may have been, his thirst for adventure is the reason he's even on the station to begin with.)

3. fairyland, the obsidian order, and enabran tain

in the ballad, tam lin is abducted by the fairy queen when he's a child. she takes him to a magical realm where he feels no pain and is far removed from human worries.

And we that live in faeryland, No sickness know, nor pain, I quit my body when I will, And take to it again. (j. holm, verse 32)

garak has been enabran tain's protégé since he was very young. as an operative of the obsidian order, he's been trained to be cool under pressure, to play his cards close to his chest, and to avoid sentimentality and attachment. the plot of the episode hinges entirely on a device implanted in his brain that keeps him from feeling pain. to save his life, julian has to remove the implant, metaphorically rescuing him from fairyland and the influence of the queen who stole him away from the human world. the fairy queen is very possessive of tam lin and very disdainful of his feelings for janet; in many versions of the ballad, after janet successfully rescues him, the fairy queen remarks that if she'd known this would happen, she would have plucked out his eyes and replaced them with wood, or taken his heart and replaced it with stone.

"But had I kend, Tam Lin," said she, "What now this night I see, I wad hae taen out thy twa grey een, And put in twa een o tree." (child 39A, verse 42) 'Had I but kend, Thomas,' she says, 'Before I came frae hame, I had taen out that heart o flesh, Put in a heart o stane.' (child 39B, verse 41)

much like tain tried and failed to mold garak into the perfect emotionless spy, the fairy queen very literally wants to remove tam lin's ability to feel love, because his emotions make him harder for her to control, and in the end are what lead him to escape her clutches entirely. garak and tam lin are both saved by the same thing: their transgressive love for their rescuer, and the fierce, unconditional love they receive in return.

4. hold me fast and fear me not

the central event of the tam lin ballad, of course, is the transformation scene. i'm sure it's what makes the ballad stick in people's minds; it certainly is for me. there's something so deeply romantic about the phrase "hold me fast and fear me not," and about the idea of loving someone so much that you'll hold on to them even as they turn into a beast in your arms. the wire doesn't have as literal a transformation scene as tam lin, but i would argue that it certainly has one.

after julian removes garak's implant (which we can equate to pulling tam lin down from his horse), garak goes through withdrawal. he becomes, by turns, depressed, and angry, and spiteful, and violent. throughout the episode, we see him try to drive julian away. he refuses his help; he insults him; he tells him contradictory stories about his past, all designed to shock him; when none of this succeeds at discouraging him, he physically lashes out.

julian, however, doesn't budge. he isn't fooled by the shapes garak contorts himself into. he takes every change in stride, never wavering in his determination to save him. every person garak claims to be, julian accepts. like janet defying the fairy queen for love of tam lin, he goes as far as to enter cardassian territory and seek out enabran tain in order to save garak's life. when he believes he's about to die, garak tells julian he needs to know that someone forgives him; "i forgive you," julian says, "for whatever it is you did." whatever kind of beast garak is—whatever kind of beast tain has turned him into—julian will not let go of his hand. he will hold him fast.

He grew into her arms two Like iron in hot fire; She held him fast, let him not go, He was her heart's desire. (child 39D, verse 31)

the basic structure of these stories is the same: the main character finds out that the person they love is in immediate danger due to something they went through when they were younger, which fundamentally changed them as a person and is also keeping the two from being together. unwilling to lose their love, they brave the wrath of a powerful villain who's controlled this person's life for a long time. there are undeterred by the frightening changes the person goes through. in the end, they are victorious, and their beloved is free.

5. my dear doctor, they're all true

a closing statement: tam lin is a folktale. like any folktale, there are many, many versions of it, often contradicting each other. there is no definitive version of tam lin (though child 39A may be the most famous). you're free to read every available version of the story, finding meaning not only in the most commonly reoccurring themes, but also in which parts of the text speak to you. like garak's contradictory stories about his life, while it's hard to say whether any one element is true, every element tells you something—about the story, or about the person who tells it. my view of these story parallels is heavily influenced by my own personal interpretation of, and feelings about, the ballad. as it should be.

#star trek #deep space nine #ds9 #star trek deep space nine #star trek ds9 #garashir #julian bashir #elim garak #talk tag #trek talk tag #i feel like i sound very pretentious in this but fuck it i am pretentious

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hergan416 · 2 years

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Find the word game!

I was tagged by @mystical-flute and I needed to find the words smoke, mirror, and reflection.

I'm using a read more because a) this gets long and b) one of the bits is definitely a little nsft. Anyway my pass along tag is going before my responses because of that.

I'll (0 pressure, if you think it sounds fun) tag @touchmycoat @chromatic-lamina @kingsofneon @nenya85 @kaibacorpintern @rooksacrifice and literally anyone who sees this that wants to do it.

I will pass on the words blood, gasp, and strategy.

Alright...without further ado, here we are. Some of these were a little more prevalent than others.

Smoke

From "Law's Introspection" (Rated T(een), One Piece, platonic? lawsan (Trafalgar Law & Blackfoot Sanji, not incompatible with romance), cigarette smoke, addiction, depression). Thank God I wrote these shorts or y'all would have had to deal with major katamar gore.

Law brought the cigarette to his mouth and paid attention to the feeling of the smoke as it hit his lungs, and the rush of nicotine as it entered his bloodstream. Law wondered if Sanji would change his brand of cigarette when they got to Dressrosa, or if he only ever bought the same ones. He grew upset with himself when he realized he had a vested interest in the answer, something he shouldn’t feel like demanding if he was “only occasionally smoking.”

Mirror

Did you know that the word "mirror" shows up 46 time in "Seek and Ye Shall Find?" (Rated M(ature), Yu-Gi-Oh and One Piece Crossover, violetshipping (Seto Kaiba/Katsuya Jounouchi), brief jail/prison setting, gender exploration, other minor ships) I didn't. Anyway, despite mirrors being a major plot point, I am choosing a different fic.

From "House on a Hill" Chapter 2 (Rated E(xplicit), One Piece, katamar (Charlotte Katakuri/Marco the Phoenix), depression, angst)

“I don’t like to see you hurt like that, you know?” Katakuri admits. His tone is soft, quiet, private in a way Marco doesn’t expect, and he turns his head up to look at the vulnerable expression on Katakuri’s face. It’s mostly in his eyes, since his mouth doesn’t seem built to downturn more than a little, but what Marco sees there is a bit of a whirlwind. Something he’s not expecting, and that he feels he can get lost in.

There is pain there. Worry. So many emotions that Marco can recognize and share. Marco stares deep into Katakuri's eyes and lets his own reflect the frustrations and pain of the last several days. He reaches up a hand and traces Katakuri's jawline tentatively. Katakuri's fingers mirror the move, gently tracing Marco's stubble.

Reflection

From "Neoptera" (Rated E(xplicit), Yu-Gi-Oh, revengeshipping (Alister|Amelda/Seto Kaiba), YGOME2020, pwp, alcohol mention, nightmares), the only time I have used this word on AO3.

A few moments later, Alister studied himself to realize how messy he still was, and stood, pacing towards a door frame he assumed was the suite’s master bathroom. Closing the door and turning on the light, he was not disappointed. Glancing at the sink and his reflection in the mirror, Alister decided that hopping directly in the shower would be more effective at removing the dried semen that coated most of his chest, and perhaps more calming than simply splashing water over his body and toweling himself off with a washcloth.

Thank you for the tag!! That was interesting and fun.

#my writing #dash game #nsft #i hope no one i tagged cares about that #this was really fun thank you for the tag!!#i didnt include all the fics tags for space so sorry #ygo #op #also i tagged 3 prideship ppl and like this has 0 prideship on it im shshshshsh #this post is a mess

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shego1142 · 5 years

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Random thought that’s been on my mind and I just wanted to write it out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯:

I know you all may be tired about me talking about Big Bang Theory (my newly rekindled special interest)

But I wanted to mention something I’ve been thinking/feeling for quite a while that stands a myriad of different shows

And that’s that I get kind of... cagey, when someone says “Sheldon Cooper is bad Autistic representation”

Because? What does that mean?

I mean, I’m Autistic and I relate to him.

More so than I have ever related to a large majority of autistic coded characters before.

I mean, yes he does have some stereotypical special interests (Trains and Flags)

But so do I (Lists and “Taking Things Apart”)

And yea he’s often shown as insensitive to the non-Autistic viewers but personally I think that’s the fault of said viewer, something I might address later in this post

But my point is, I’ve been seeing this... form of thought policing going on somewhat rampantly...

People saying things like

“Lilo is “bad” autistic representation because she punched and bit Myrtle”

“Rick Sanchez is “bad” autistic representation because he’s reckless and drunk and does drugs and is a jerk”

“Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz is “bad” Autistic representation because she has humans as a special interest and kept them in a zoo and was part of a war”

“Julia from Sesame Street is “bad” autistic representation because she’s non-verbal, which is a “hurtful stereotype” etc (I don’t know much about Julia I’ve just seen this sentiment)”

“Ed from eene, ‘Derpy’ from mlp, Greg House from House MD, Sherlock from every adaptation of Sherlock ever, etc,etc”

And... that line of thinking is making me very uneasy.

I mean I am 1000% an advocate for Autistic peeps, obviously.

But this rhetoric seems more anti-Autistic than it does anything else.

Like... certain so called stereotypes are really just characteristics.

I bite like Lilo when I have a meltdown. I wish I didn’t but I do.

And I’ll never be able to stop biting during meltdowns and I’ll never stop having meltdowns.

I’m often reckless, like Rick, and I suffer with depression, irritability and self worth issues like he does too, and I don’t always manage those feelings in the best way, even if I try.

And like Pink Diamond I have “inappropriate” special interests that I’ll probably always have, and no amount of screaming that they’re “wrong” will make them stop being a special interest.

And, again, like Sheldon, I’m often seen as insensitive. I often hurt people who mean a lot to me without meaning to and without understanding how or why they’re hurt.

Personally I agree with the fact that many of the characters mentioned above have some issues within their shows regarding representation

But I don’t think the issue is the characters themselves

And I think it’s a little odd to say so.

Because it feels like a lot of peeps on here are pushing for only the “least offensive to non-Autistic” representation.

And that is really othering. From a community that needs above all else to be united.

There was a really good episode of The Big Bang Theory that I watched a while ago, where Sheldon and Penny were doing that “quiz that’s meant to make you fall in love”

And Sheldon got to talk about his struggles with certain things, the way he often doesn’t understand people and all.

And in turn Penny focused on making things more comfortable for him, even bringing up the fact that she knows eye-contact is difficult for him, and they didn’t have to do that part if he didn’t want to.

And he said “it’s easier with people I’m comfortable around”

Which is true to my experience as well.

And I think that’s wonderful representation.

In fact, the main issue I have with all but two of those shows that I mentioned is that they never come out and say “Hey this character is Autistic!!”

If they’d said that in BBT and had Sheldon advocate for himself, it would have turned into the best show ever for me personally.

Same for Lilo, and House, and Ed, and Derpy, and so many autistic coded characters.

I think that not talking about or acknowledging the characters being autistic is what should be considered the issue.

Not the whole “hurtful stereotypical” behaviour thing that so many people are talking about lately.

Because I feel like that is saying “having stereotypical behaviour is bad”

And that’s not good.

I have issues of course with how many of said characters are treated (Sheldon most of all but I’m biased) on the show by other characters

And that can be spoken about! I’m not discouraging that idea at all!

But I really really dislike people saying that an autistic coded character isn’t valid because they’re “too stereotypical” or because they’re “not perfect”

I’m stereotypical and imperfect, and that’s the type of representation I want to see, honestly.

Idk it’s just been on my mind because of a few hundred or so posts I’ve seen ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#actually autistic #original #words #actuallyautistic #vent #rant #sort of #big bang theory #autistic headcanon #autistic characters #autistic coded characters #thought police

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cyanidefilledcandy · 4 years

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An Update

So, I want to apologize to anyone who still pays attention to me on Tumblr.

This year has been....something to say the least and I just have been GONE mentally. I’m JUST NOW bouncing back from basically being a vegetable for the entirety of the year. Also, add to the fact that I’ve been especially busy the month of November, so I haven’t been very consistent on here.

So, a very very VERY big apology for those who sent me Asks that I responded late to or haven’t responded to at all. I’m so sorry if it seems like I’m ignoring you, because that’s not my intent. I usually just get busy and forget to answer or I legitimately can’t think of an answer to the question. (Mainly looking at you, @eene-fangirl :( )

But, like I said, I’m slowly bouncing back and hopefully can be at least a BIT more consistent in the coming year, even though I have goals outside of Tumblr. But, I at least hope to update more frequently. But, you can find me on Twitter at Candy_Cyanid. It’s where I update the most now. (Though, it’s probably worse than my Tumblr as far as content. lol ;P)

In other news, yesterday was my birthday. I’m 29...geez... lol

I didn’t make too much of a big deal out of it because I wasn’t really feeling up to it. Wasn’t necessarily depressed; just wasn’t in the mood to do a lot. I did take a three day break from social media, which was VERY nice. And I think I may make a habit of it on my days off, and maybe only respond to PMs. I didn’t get as much done project wise as I would’ve liked too, but I did make some new pendants. I wound up burning them unfortunately, but for having not done anything with clay in pretty much 4 years, I don’t think I did too bad. And I really like the designs, so I plan on remaking them.

Unfortunately, my plans to move have pretty much been put on seemingly perma hiatus. My truck (which I didn’t even WANT, btw) is just eating up ALL of my funds. I don’t make a lot of money anymore and pretty much half of my check goes to car payments and insurance and the other half goes to gas....literally. So, IDK... I REALLY don’t want to because it was part of the reason I was so mentally screwed up this year, but I may have to get a second job again if I want to leave even though I really feel I can’t handle the load mentally or physically. :/

So yeah....all in all, I’m doing better, but still have a ways to go. (Also, yes. I AM still a windbag. Sorry about it. :P)

#personal #update #apology

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nyndelion · 4 years

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Wednesday 18/march

i’m officially in quarantine and i figured out i should have a sort of diary where i put the things i do every day or else these 3 months i have ahead will feel like a full block of nothing and thats just depressing.

So i’m gonna make a daily post where i put a list of things i did that day. It’s gonna be under a read more so if u dont really care about it u can just skip it c:

Morning

I woke up to the sound of Nina (my cat) crying for food. I had to take her to the vet to take blood samples and she had to not eat for 8 hours before that.

My mom drove me to the vet with Nina. I could listen to a dog crying nearby but i didnt saw anyone else but the cashier and the professionals that took the samples. they also cut Nina’s nails and back hair. Nina was calm all along.

Then me and Nina waited in the car for my mom while she went to the bank and to buy some things downtown. I put some music.

Afternoon

we went back home and I showered. I helped my mom wash the dishes and put away groceries. Then my dad arrived home.

We ate cazuela and assorted salads. We were listening to 80′s synthpop music and joking with my brothers.

After lunch me and my brothers went upstairs and me and Nano (my little brother) played minecraft. Then my parents told us they would be grocery shopping yet again and that i should go out to buy cat litter bc stores that arent supermarkets will be closed tomorrow. So I did, and also bought cinnamon and yoghurt to make some muffins some day soon

Then i came back home, hung up clothes from the washing machine as my mom told me to before leaving. Went back on the computer but just to scroll tumblr and chat on discord

I messaged Josefa (my friend i have feeling for) and showed her the russian dream experiment illustrations i had told her about yesterday. She wants to make a piece of art about an idea we came up to revolving cosmic horror and vengeance on multibillionaires. I want to write the story and she wants to illustrate it. I am very happy about this

my parents came back home and asked for help to set up a mini office for my dad in the computer room next to my room.

then i decided to continue working on an eene drawing i started las sunday when visiting my abuela kela

searched for some elsa farrus and buzzfeed unsolved videos just to put them on watch later

Night

received Nina’s blood test results on my mail but i dont know what it all mean. I’ll have to go back to the vet tomorrow so they tell me whats up and i give back the cat box they let me borrow.

went downstairs to eat dinner (cazuela leftovers and lentejas soup) while watching ice age

then i prepared tea and went upstairs, decided to practice guitar. Played machine gun by slowdive, take me to church by hozier and learned försvinn du som lyser by finntroll. I took a video of me playing it and decided to tell the new whatsapp music group from the trans peers group im in to practice songs daily and share videos or audios there so its a way we feel more supported to actually practice. I shared the video i took of me playing the song in the chat and also to Josefa. The all loved it, though only Josefa knows the song. I feel very happy to have decided this.

I played some levels from super mario world on Nano’s nintendo switch because he is stuck. I finished 7 levels but then got stuck as well.

now i’m listening to life is strange soundtrack and still deciding if i want to keep practicing guitar, working on my eene drawing, start writing the cosmic horror short story or watch the videos i set up earlier. I might scroll tumblr for a while and decide then.

To do (tomorrow / some other day)

watch the new buzzfeed unsolved video

tidy my room

organize my college stuff

organize stuff i have to read (both college related and unrelated)

take a video of me playing a take me to church cover (TOMORROW)

work on my wips

start brainstorming for the cosmic horror short story

work on the song Neka (my friend) and I will play someday (its a song called ‘Kaos’ and i just got to figure out a guitar line over Neka’s vocals)

also practice some bass

#diary #nyn.txt #long post #corona coping

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lunarowena · 5 years

Note

12, 15, 19, 28, 45?

12) Who is your favourite character to write for? Why?

Edér. Because I love him

15) If you writeOC’s, how do you decide on their names?

Okay, so since all my OCs are my video game characters, we have toget into how I name video game characters. When I play a series or agame multiple times, I have name themes. Sometimes it’s things like“Valkyries” (Baldur’s Gate) or “Constellations”(Shadowrun), and sometimes it’s things like “ends in -een or-ine” (Dragon Age). For Pillars, it’s plant names startedactually my second Watcher, Lillian, who was named after a song. Formy collection of orlan OCs, they’re plant names that start with‘H.’

19) Are there anystories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequelto?

I want to write a companion story to “Responsible Parenting”that’s HK-47, Juhani, and Canderous’s shopping trip on Manaan,but humor is hard to force and I don’t have a very solid idea ofwhat to do.

I have plans for sequels to A Tangle of Brambles (like Hollis joins Dunryd Row and solves mysteries),but I need to finish writing it first :P

28) What issomething you wished you’d known before you started postingfanfiction?

Not really something I wish I’d known, but something I’ve learnedis that I’ve never regretted posting anything. Of course my writinghas improved and sometimes I look back on old fics and cringe alittle, but I don’t regret writing them. Because by putting thewords down I got the story out of my head and was able to move on toother things. So maybe that’s my advice. Write the thing becauseotherwise it will never leave you alone and continue to haunt youuntil you give up on it and feel depressed as some of your daydreamsdie. So just write it.

Also, it’s okay to write fanfiction. You don’t have to feel guilty or like it’s lesser. You’re making other people happy with your words.

45) What spursyou on during the writing process?

Knowing that if I get the words down it will leave me alone XD

Okay,more seriously there are multiple angles. First, I just have a storythat I really want to tell and the only way I can tell it to otherpeople is by writing it down. Second, I have an obsessive need tocheck off checkboxes which is why all of the Pillars fics I’ve everwritten have been prompt fills. Thirdly, for the long fics, I haveparts I really want to write and the only way I get to write/postthem is if I get there in the story, so got to get through all theother bits.

I am the most happy when I am writing (or maybe, have written). It’sbeen that way my entire life. If I’m not writing, I feel like I’mnot accomplishing anything, no matter what else I may be doing withmyself. So gosh darn it, writing can be torture sometimes, but notwriting can be worse.

#ask meme #thanks for the ask!

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psychospeak-blog · 6 years

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Won’t Go Slowly // 29

A/N: Super late or super early update depending on when you’re reading this. But enjoy and...Merry Christmas?

One // Two // Three // Four // Five // Six // Seven // Eight // Nine // Ten // Eleven // Twelve // Thirteen // Fourteen // Fifteen // Sixteen // Seventeen // Eighteen // Nineteen// Twenty // Twenty One // Twenty Two // Twenty Three // Twenty Four // Twenty Five // Twenty Six // Twenty Seven // Twenty Eight

The plan was for Tyler to come over to your house, get you and Marshall, and go back to his house for the night. Then, the next day, you were going to hang out with the dogs while Tyler went to his mom's house to tell his sisters about the whole pregnancy thing, and then all of them were going to come back for Christmas Eve dinner.

So you were waiting on your couch, all your bags ready by the front door, when his car pulled up. And you watched, through the window, as he got out, and then opened the back door, and Gerry flew out, running towards your front door, Cash following behind him but not at quite the same pace.

"Who's that?" you said to Marshall, who merely looked at you, and then started following you when you got up.

You could hear Gerry whimpering excitedly through the door, and then Tyler saying "Gerry. Calm down, you're going to hyperventilate."

You laughed, opening the door before he could even knock, and immediately paws were coming at you, Gerry's eyes bulging when Tyler pulled him back by his collar. "I thought I should bring them in so we didn't have a repeat of what happened in the car, but he's even more insane."

"It's okay," you laughed, bending down as best as you could, petting him, his tail swatting against Marshall's body as he went to say hello to Tyler.

"Hey, bud," he said, petting the dog, speaking in one of the most exaggerated dog voices you'd ever heard. "Did you miss me? Did you miss me? I missed you."

"Hi Cash," you said, when he finally got by Gerry's jumping to get to you, petting him on the head and then placing a kiss there. You noticed Tyler staring at you at a moment, and then you frowned at him.

"You look pregnant," he said.

"Well, I am," you said, watching as the dogs greeted each other.

"Yeah, I know," Tyler rolled his eyes, "I mean, you didn't look pregnant before. When you had clothes on. Now, it's like showing. Like it popped out. "

"You said I looked pregnant when I was 8 weeks."

"Yeah, because your body looked different," he said, "But not big like this."

"Well, it's gonna get bigger."

"Good. That's what's supposed to happen," he said, "Can I....can I touch it?" and you laughed, standing up, because it wasn't like he usually asked before he touched you, and he looked tentative, like it really was a ball that might burst. And it wasn't like it was doing anything exciting right now.

"Yeah, you can touch it," you said, and he did, laying his hand gently over the bump, and holding it there for a moment. "He'll probably kick when I sit or lay down. Or eat something with sugar."

"Hmm..." Tyler said, taking his hand away, "It's squishier than I thought?"

"Squishy?" you asked.

"Yeah, I thought it was going to be hard. It looked hard," he said, and then scratched the back of his neck. "Anyways, hi." He leaned in to hug you, placing a kiss on your cheek, and you tried to ignore Gerry jumping against you, to give Tyler your attention for at least one minute.

"I don't like this," Tyler mumbled against your shoulder, and you frowned, "The baby's in the way."

"Well..." you said, like there wasn't anything you could do about it, and he pulled away, walking around behind you. He wrapped his arms around you from behind, resting his head on your shoulder.

"This is better," he said, and you raised your thand, patting him on the back of the head. Gerry took the opportunity to jump up towards you, and Tyler caught his paws before he could hit you. "Be careful, she's got a baby, remember? Since when do you jump up on people?"

"He saw you touching my belly and he wanted to, too," you said, breaking away from Tyler, and leaning down to pet Gerry, who was still wagging his tail hard, begging for your attention.

"You've got claws, remember, dude?" Tyler said, petting him on the head. And then he leaned over, ruffling the bells on the Christmas collar that Marshall had on that you'd found in the Christmas decorations bin at Tyler's house, "Is this what you were doing at my house?"

"Maybe..." you said, trying to be facetious.

"Somehow I don't believe you," Tyler said, but you just grinned, grabbing the other Christmas collar you'd brought home with you and slipping it on Cash, and then trying to get the reindeer antlers on Gerry, but you had a feeling they wouldn't stay put on him for very long. "Are you ready to go?"

"Mmm...I just need to grab the ice cream," you said, heading towards the kitchen to grab the tub of vanilla you'd gotten to pair with the peppermint brownies you'd made earlier in the day for Christmas eve dessert tomorrow. You heard paw steps following you, but they seemed to trail off, but you didn't think much of it.

Until you heard Tyler shouting, "Gerry, no! Off!", followed by a depressed sounding, "Y/N...help."

You walked back into the living room, where Gerry had his front two paws in the baby swing and was trying to jump him back legs up with it moving under him, all while trying to fend off Tyler trying to get him out.

"Gerry! Gerry, C'mhere," you said, and he leapt off, tail wagging as he trotted towards you, sitting down obediently at your feet, and you reached down to pet him, "Good boy. That's not yours, okay?"

"Sure, he's the perfect angel for you, and when he's with me, he's a demon dog," Tyler said.

"Is it really that bad?" you asked, not imagining the innocent face looking up at you to be anything demon-like.

"He's okay, most of the time, once he stopped being pissed off, but then he does stupid shit like this," Tyler said, nodding towards the swing, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, he didn't break it or anything."

"But what if the baby had been in it," Tyler whispered.

"The baby wasn't in it," you said, petting Gerry again, "It's okay, he'll learn."

Tyler still looked a little skeptical, but you loaded up the car with our bag off stuff for tomorrow, while Tyler grabbed your pregnancy pillow from your bed because, apparently, it was essential that you had a good night sleep so you could be on your best behaviour because Santa would be watching on Christmas eve. Tyler tried to open the passenger side door for you, but Gerry jumped in, turning on the floor and looking up at you, just waiting for you get in the seat.

"You gonna guide our sleigh?" Tyler asked him, and then looked at you, "Get it? Because he's dressed like a reindeer."

"Yeah, I got it," you laughed, and Tyler got the older ones in the back. It wasn't long after he started driving that you had Gerry's head in your lap, and Cash's head started peeking between the two from seats. "Awe, Cash," you said, wrapping your arm around him as best as you could.

Tyler's eyes darted to the side and he smiled, keeping his attention on the road. "I think you were missed," he said, and then after a moment. "Did Marshall miss me like even 1%?"

"Yes, he went straight for you," you said, and Tyler smiled again.

"I don't know, he looked pretty well taken care of with you," he said, and then you turned onto his street, and you watching his eyes as he took in the Christmas lights on his house. "Please tell me you did not do that."

You shook your head, "Your dad did," as he had texted you a few days ago to let you know his plans, and you watched Tyler visibly relax. But you were still smiling, even as you pulled into the driveway and started unloading the car and letting the dogs out. You could see the lights of the Christmas tree through the window, as you came over earlier and turned them on, but Tyler seemed oblivious.

"Are you gonna check everything out to make sure its safe, Marshall?" Tyler asked. "You're such a good guard dog, so scary."

"He's not scary," you said.

"My dad said he was pretty scary," Tyler said, flashing you a smile as he unlocked the door, "I told you they'd protect you if you were being attacked."

"You dad was not attacking me," you said with a laugh.

"Yeah, but he thought you were in danger," Tyler said, and you could not wipe the proud smile off his face, "I'd give him a pound of dog treats, but I know you'd already spoiled the shit out of him."

"I did not ---" you started, but you were broken off when Tyler opened the door, and immediately saw the banister covered with garland and lights, and the hanging candy cane dog treats.

"What did you do?" he said slowly, trying to take everything in and a slow smile creeping across your face. He walked slowly up the stairs, and then into the living room, where you'd placed the wrapped gifts for him and his family under the tree, the packages wrapped in paper covered in dogs wearing different Christmas outfits placed up high on the dining room table so the dogs wouldn't get into them too early.

"Oooh, there's presents," Tyler said, walking towards you and acting like he was going to pick you up and spin you around, but he frowned when your belly got in the way again, awkwardly tapping you, and then picked Marshall up and turning around in a circle with him. "Did you help? Did you help?"

He set the dog down when he started kicking his legs like he was swimming in the air, and hugged you properly this time. "Thank you, this is awesome," he said, and then, "Cash, no, don't eat that!"

You turned around, to see him nibbling at one of the treats, looking up at Tyler's voice out of the corner of his eye, "No, he can eat that. It's dog treats."

"It's dog treats?" Tyler asked, half gasping and half laughing, "You really, really need a baby."

"I'm working on it," you said, while Tyler tried to tell Cash to not eat all the dog treats at once.

"I was going to suggest we watch a Christmas movie in bed, but I think we need to on the couch so we can enjoy the Christmas tree," Tyler said, and half an hour later, you were settled into watching ELF, you curled up on one end of the couch with Gerry on one side of you and Cash on the other, Marshall sleeping next to Tyler.

You grabbed Tyler's hand quickly, pulling it towards you, and sort of leaning him over the two dogs between you, and he looked at you a little concerned until you placed it on your belly, and you watched his face change, a little up tick of his eyebrows, corresponding with the sensation you felt.

"Did you feel that?" you asked.

"Yeah," he said softly, settling his hand there, "That's crazy. I've never felt that before."

"Really?" you asked, realizing that you hadn't even asked if he wanted to feel it, but you'd just assumed he was waiting for something since he'd asked to touch your belly earlier.

Tyler shook his head slowly, "Does it hurt?"

"No," you said with a bit of laugh, which turned into a full blown laugh when Gerry started licking your face. Tyler kind of left his hand there, still looking at you and then back at the TV.

"Is he going to do it again?"

"Maybe," you said, "probably if I eat something with sugar."

He nodded, taking his hand away from you gently, "Tell me if he does it again," he said. "It's cool."

You smiled, laying back a little on the couch, your head pushed against Gerry behind you, relaxing back into watching the movie. You were so comfortable that when awhile later, your phone pinged, and you groaned lightly, because it was on the coffee table. And you looked at Tyler sitting up, his feet crossed placed on the coffee table. "Can you get that for me? Please?"

He nodded, leaning forward and picking it up, unlocking it rather than passing it over to you like you thought, reading something on the screen. "Your childbirth education course is confirmed for March," he said, setting your phone back down on the table.

"Oh," you said, at then you looked at him, ruffling your fingers in Cash's fur next to you, "Do you want to be there?"

"At the class?" he asked, "Uh...I don't think I can?"

"No, not the class," you said. "At the birth. If you're not....playing hockey." You were about to say not in the playoffs, but you didn't know if there was some crazy superstitious thing about saying that.

"Do you want me there?" he asked.

"Do you want to be there?" you countered. "I mean, there'll be a lot of medical stuff, so you don't have to stay for the whole thing. But my doctor said I could have four people there, if I wanted, as long as there aren't any complications. And my sister, and Danielle are going to be there, and maybe my mom, so you could, if you wanted. And can."

"I know, but it's not about what I want," he said, "it's about what you want. You're the one having the baby. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"You won't make me uncomfortable," you said, gesturing at your body, "the...process might make you uncomfortable."

He gave a little laugh, "I can handle it," he said, "I just don't want to upset you, or stress you out."

"Why would you upset me?"

He gave you a serious look, "The one time I went to the doctor with you, I called your baby a blob."

"That was funny," you said, "It made me laugh, it didn't stress me out. "

He gave you a weak smile, "I just don't want you to ask me to be there because you feel like I want to be there. I want you to think of yourself."

And you smiled back at him. "I wouldn't ask you if I wasn't okay with it," you said, similar to what he had said to you so many times before.

"Can we come up with a signal if you want me to leave?" he said and you laughed a little, "I won't be mad. I don't want to be too much, or take the attention off of you or like..."

"Sure," you said, because you could see he really was concerned about it. You both looked back at the movie for a moment, and then Tyler reached out for the remote, pausing it.

"Is there a book I should read or something?" he asked, "Like, I have no clue what to do."

"No, I have clue what I'm doing either," you said, and he looked a little alarmed. "That's what the doctors and nurses are there for. And Danielle's gonna come with me to the class, so she'll know that stuff. But you don't have to come to the class to be there, my sister's not. You just gotta keep me company."

"I can do that," he said, patting you on the knee.

"It might be pretty....not pretty," you said, "You wouldn't have to stay for the whole thing, when he comes out. And he also might not look right, right away."

"He might not 'look right'?" Tyler asked, "What do you mean?"

"Like, he might be pretty wrinkly and purple," you said, "and his head might be kind of cone-shaped, from fitting through the birth canal. But it'll go back to normal."

"His head might be cone-shaped?!"

You were kind of nervous, the whole afternoon, as you waited for Tyler to come home from his Mom's house. You occupied yourself with hanging out with the dogs, and making appetizers to contribute to your appetizer night, as well as texting your sister to send her good vibes for work. You and Tyler's family always tried to have an appetizer evening and game night some time over the holidays, depending on Tyler's schedule. This year it just so happened to be on Christmas eve, as your sister was working that evening, so your family plans were for Christmas Day. Tyler had texted you when they were leaving, to let you know that everything had gone okay, but you were still too anxious to wait, so you decided to take the dogs for a quick walk. You were almost back to Tyler's house when you heard a honk, and then turned to see Tyler's car, rolling down the window as he passed by you. "Need a ride?"

You shook your head laughing, letting the dogs off their leashes once you could see Tyler had parked, so they could run the rest of the way to him.

"Hey," he said, looking up from where he was petting them, all three leashes in your hands, "Was Gerry okay?"

"Yeah, he was fine," you said. He'd started pulling a couple of times when he saw another dog and got excited, but was fine once you reminded him to heel. "How did it go?"

"Fine," Tyler said, as all of you started going back into the house.

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said, "I mean, my mom was there, and I told them it was something important I had to talk to them about, so I think they thought it was bad news."

"Tyler!" you scolded, but he only smiled at you, placing a kiss on your head.

"I told you not to worry."

It was only a couple of seconds later when there was a knock at his door, and then Tyler was pulling the door open, the three women carrying a collection of food containers and gifts.

"Oh my gosh, you look so cute!" Cassidy gushed, pushing the plate she was holding into Tyler's hands and pulling you in for a hug.

"I love your shirt," Candace added, hugging you from the side with what she was carrying, "Your bump looks adorable."

"If she eats ice cream, you can probably feel him kick," Tyler said, and then looked in your direction, "If that's okay."

"Of course it's okay," you said, meeting Jackie in a hug.

"Hi honey, how are you?"

"Good," you answered, your chin against her shoulder, "Much better."

"Ty, I need to put this in the oven," she said as she pulled away, taking the dish that he was holding on.

"Yeah, yeah, go for it," he said, and she went to do just that, while his sisters tried to say 'hello' to the dogs, "You might not get much out of them, they're super attached to Y/N right now."

His sisters made "awe" sounds, like it was the most precious thing ever, and they went to go put the presents under the tree, while you just stared at the door, running a hand over your face. Tyler looked back at you, like he was expecting you to follow, and then did a double take when you didn't.

"What's --?" he asked, and you waved your hand out, because you were not crying.

"I'm fine," you said quickly, because concern was written all over his features. "I just can't believe how nice everyone is being to me."

Tyler was still frowning, "Why wouldn't they be nice to you?"

You ran your hand over your belly, whispering the feeling that came up, time and time again, whenever you told a member of his family. "Because I feel like I'm taking something away from them."

His face dropped a bit, before he wrapped you in a hug, "No, you're not," he said, quietly so only you could hear, "You're giving them something. Don't think that."

You smiled sweetly at him, going to join Tyler's mom in the kitchen so you could add what you'd prepared to the oven to heat up, so you could all unwrap presents while you were waiting. "Can the kids go first?" Tyler asked, once you were all assembled in the living room, the savoury smells coming from the oven making you hungry.

"That's rude to ask if you can go first," Cassidy said, "And we're not giving you yours until tomorrow."

Tyler rolled his eyes, "I meant the dogs," he said, looking towards the three labs eyeing the presents atop the dining room table, glancing at you as he rifled through them, "Do you want them to have them all tonight?"

"Just the ones with the stars on them," you said, which contained the Christmas themed toys inside. The others you could give to them when you saw Tyler on Boxing Day, to keep from completely overwhelming the pups with excitement.

You watched as Tyler passed out the gifts to the appropriate pups and then said 'okay' standing over them, everyone watching as they tried to tear through the paper, the room filled with a variety of different squeeks and excited tail wags pretty quickly.

It was adorable.

"Did you tell her 'thank you'? Tyler asked, pointed at you, "Give her a kiss."

And then you were squealing, barely even noticing that Gerry dropped his Christmas tree you, his front paws coming up on your knees, licking your face excitedly before running back to his toy. Cash and Marshall came up as Tyler was handing out your gifts to his Mom and sisters, pushing their toys against your leg, and you weren't quite sure if they were trying to play with you or show off that they had gotten something new.

"Oh, these are so pretty!" Candace said, holding up the earrings you had gotten for her.

"Those are from me, too," Tyler said, which was met with an eye roll.

He said the same thing when Cassidy said how much she liked the clutch you got her, and Jackie said how much she liked the smell of the bubble bath and candle you'd picked up for her.

" We're exchanging presents tomorrow," Candace reminded him, to which Tyler asked you in a stage whisper what time stores were open till on Christmas Eve. Even though you knew, for a fact, he'd already gotten gifts because he'd asked you 'what's that fancy make-up store that starts with an S my sisters like?'

"You can open yours now," you said, turning to Tyler who was seated on the couch next to you, the package already in front of him. He picked it up, bringing it to his nose and taking a sniff, and then whispering a 'Yes', earning interesting looks from his sisters and mom. He tore into the package, putting one of your homemade triple chocolate chip cookies into his mouth, while he read the note that was inside, revealing that you'd make him a batch of cookies to send or give to him once a month for the next year.

"Really?" He asked, and when you nodded, he leaned over, placing a kiss on your cheek, frowning, and then wiping the chocolate he'd gotten on your cheek off with his thumb, sticking it in his mouth. "Can you open mine next?" He asked, "I don't want to have to go after them."

You laughed, taking the package from him, and opening it, finding a gift certificate to get a prenatal massage, along with several of the Big Blue Bath Bombs from Lush you loved.

"Those are the ones you like for your headaches, right?" Tyler asked, "I had to ask Candace what the name of that store with the smelly stuff was, and then I had to go in there and ask then what they had for baths with seaweed in it."

"Yeah," you smiled, laughing a little as you thanked him. Somehow, it was sweeter thinking about what he did for the gift than the gift itself.

You were presented with a gift bag from Cassidy and Candace next, pulling out the first wrapped item.

"We got this before we knew you were pregnant," Cassidy said, shooting a glare at Tyler. "But we have the receipt, so you can exchange it for something else."

"It's so cute," you said, looking at the strappy tank top intended for running, that you might just keep until you could wear it again. You pulled out the remaining package, a small Christmas gift box from Lush, sniffing the body wash and bubble bar.

"You guys stole my idea," Tyler pouted.

"I'll use it all," you reassured him, like you could ever have enough bath goodies. "Thank you guys."

"Here you go, honey," Jackie said, sliding the remaining box over towards you.

You opened it, sliding your hands over the soft, grey and white striped fabric, pulling the items out to look at them.

"It's maternity, but you can wear it after too," she said, as you opened up the pajama pants and matching little cover up robe, and the white crossover tank top. And then you pulled out the littlest gown, in the same matching grey and white striped fabric of the pyjamas.

"Is this...?" You asked, and she nodded, informing you that it was a sleeping gown for the baby. And it matched. "I love it, thank you," you said, crossing the room to give her a hug.

As much fun as the presents were, you were pretty excited to dig into hot artichoke dip, and mushroom caps, and pull-apart bread, nibbling away while everyone debated what game to play.

Until there was a drop of red on the table in front of you.

"Uhh..." You heard Tyler say, as you tried to cup your hands to catch the blood that was coming out of your nose, trying to grab the napkins that were being thrust towards you. "What is happening?"

"She's having a nose bleed."

"Yeah, I see that," Tyler said, ducking his head a little to try and look at you, "are you okay?"

"Yeah," you said, pinching the bridge of your nose as you slowly lifted your head back up, "Sorry, I don't know why that happened."

First you were throwing up at their family dinners and now you were just bleeding at the dinner table.

"It's more common for you to get nosebleeds while you're pregnant," Jackie said, "Because of the increased blood volume."

Ohhh.

You stood up slowly, keeping the napkin underneath you and your fingers squeezed on the bridge of your nose, walking to the bathroom to try and survey the damage.

"Is it still bleeding?" Jackie asked from the doorway of the bathroom, and you pulling the napkins away, shaking your head 'no' when you didn't see any more blood.

"Keep pressure, I'll get your clothes," she said, and you could hear the sound of the sink, and then feel her wiping gently at your shirt.

"How have you been feeling?" She asked.

"Better," you said, "A lot better. Other than this," you laughed, gestering to your nose.

"Hi Gerry," you heard her say, and then felt him brush against your leg, "She's okay, don't worry."

"I had no idea this was even a thing," you said.

"Yeah, it happened to me a couple of times," she said, "It's normal, as long as it doesn't happen all the time."

"That's good to know," you said, feeling your shoulders relax, even though you hadn't realized they were tense. There was so much information, you often found yourself writing down questions each time something new happened to your body.

"You can ask me, you know, if you have questions and need someone with personal experience. If you want."

You slowly lowered the napkins from your face, so you could look her in the eye. "I would really like that."

You were smiling at each other, when Tyler leaned his head in the bathroom doorway. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," you nodded, wiping at your face while Jackie continued to try and clean your shirt.

"I was meaning to ask you, honey, when your due date was?"

" Oh," you said, "It's April 19th."

You felt her freeze, and then look at Tyler and back at you again. "The 19th?"

"Yeah, the 19th," you said, watching as they shared a look again. "What's wrong with the 19th?"

"Nothing's wrong with the 19th," Tyler said quickly.

"Then why are you guys being weird?"

"Nothing," Jackie said, "It's just Tyler's favourite number."

You looked at Tyler curiously. "You have a favourite number?"

"Do you know anything about me?" He asked with a laugh, "It was my number for like ever."

You weren't going to tell him that, in the early days of watching him play hockey, it was really just an excuse for you to hang out and drink hot chocolate.

"Did you know?" you asked Tyler and he laughed.

" Yes," he said, "it came in handy when you asked me about 5 times what your due date was after your first ultrasound, even though she wrote it down for you."

"Anyways," Jackie interrupted, "I was just asking because I went early with all three of my kids. I'm not sure if that's a genetic thing or not, but just so you know."

"Okay," you nodded.

"Do you have any clothes she can change into Tyler?" She asked next, "We should probably get that shirt in the wash."

"Yeah, I got it," Tyler said, as she went to wait downstairs. "Y'know, you could just change into those pajamas my Mom bought you, so you don't have to wear my clothes."

"It's not even 9 o'clock yet," you laughed.

"Yeah, but my sisters are staying here tonight because we're gonna go see my Dad in the morning. So we could just all get into our pyjamas, and you could stay here tonight, and then we could have Christmas breakfast in your pyjamas," he said, "I could drive you back to your place so you can go see your family in the morning."

And, three hours later, you were doing just that, you, and Tyler, and Tyler's sisters all in your pyjamas, the dogs alongside you, starting to snore, a Christmas movie on the television, and the lights on in the background, nibbling on the leftover peppermint brownies you'd put out and a box of chocolates Tyler's Mom had brought.

And it felt like Christmas.

#wont go slowly #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfiction #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction #tw pregnancy #pregnancy

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baekonbaek · 6 years

Text

i was tagged by the angel @spookyuwus :3

last

drink: water

phone call: my friend

text message:

song you listened to: wow thing - soyeon, chungha, seulgi, sinb

time you cried: today

ever

dated someone twice: nope

kissed someone and regret it: i’ve never kissed someone

been cheated on: no!

lost someone special: yes

been depressed: no, not seriously

gotten drunk and thrown up: nO

fave colors: black, white, peach, gold

in the last year have you…

made new friends: yeah! :)

fallen out of love: you bet ya

laughed until you cried: lots of times! i looove to laugh!

found out someone was talking about you: of course, who hasn’t

met someone who changed you: yes, i assume so

found out who your friends are: pretty much

kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: haha no in order to, i would have to have a facebook

general

how many of your Facebook friends do you know irl: nope, don’t have a facebook

do you have any pets: no :((( I WISH

do you want to change your name: not anymore

what did you do for your last birthday: i went to the movies with friends

what time did you wake up today: 6:40 am

what were you doing at midnight lats night: I was sleeping

what is something you can’t wait for: exo’s comeback lol

what are you listening to right now: right here by the boyz

have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i mean probably?

something that gets on your nerves: when people are insensitive

most visited website: tumblr

hair color: brown

long or short hair: short and wavy!

do you have a crush on someone: mayyybe

what do you like about yourself: my eyes

want any piercings: yes! definitely! on my ears!

blood type: bro idk

nicknames: mimi

relationship status: single as a pringle

zodiac: aries

pronounce: she/her

fave TV shows: the great british bake-off and parks and rec

tattoos: nope but i might consider getting some when im older

right or left handed: right

ever had surgery: does stitches count?

piercings: ears

sport: currently field hockey, swimming, and lacrosse

vacation: my favorite vacation ever has been when i went to italy with my family and cousins

trainers: uhhhh like sneakers?? i love nike air force whites right now like every other person on the planet lol

more general

eating: i just had graham crackers

drinking: water

I’m about to watch: probably the wow thing mv again

waiting for: lots of things but like exo

want: happiness

get married: yes!

career: doctor hopefully

which is better

hugs or kisses: hugs? but like honestly both

lips or eyes: eyes

shorter or taller: taller please! which isn’t that hard because im short

older or younger: older or same age

nice arms or stomach: arms

hookup or relationship: relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: troublemaker but maybe hesitant because it would be fun to explore with them

have you ever

kissed a stranger: no bro

drunk hard liquor: eh not really

lost glasses: i dont have glasses

turned someone down: haha i wish

sex on first date: no

broken someone’s heart: I hope not

had your heart broken: yep

been arrested: no

cried when someone died: yes

fallen for a friend: yes

do you believe in

yourself: hahaha no

miracles: depends

love at first sight: not really but attraction on first sight, yes

Santa Claus: not now lol

kiss on a first date: nah

angels: yes, i think so

others

best friends name: Jayne and Sam and Danielle and Bella and Jada

eyes color: hazel

fave movie: pride and prejudice and like every marvel movie

fave actors: tom holland and chris evans lol they’re the only people i can think of right now

i tag @gulab-jaemin @shimmie-shimmie-kokobop @ilovexiusoo @soocculents and anyone else who wants to do this!

#asks #shit post

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misschaii · 6 years

Text

I disappeared again; A Holiday Saga.

Sorry guys. I haven’t been very active in the last several weeks. I’ve een stressed over Thanksgiving, Christmas, present shopping, car payments, work stuff, all that jazz. And I’ve had a lot going on the last month or so. We had some of Manuel’s family visit right before Thanksgiving and they were here for a week and a half and then there was a party like every other day and it was just exhausting being around that many people but I was still aroundish. Then they left.

Then I was sick for a week and a half. Didn’t have a voice for like 3 days. Got betterish but my throat and ears keep hurting almost every day like I’m on the verge of being sick again but not quite there. I tried to work on CC while I was sick and made a smidge of progress but I was just too tired to focus on it.

Not to mention work has been crazy busy since it’s closer to Christmas and that’s been stressful. I’ve had a lot of long getting-out-of-work-late-and-took-no-breaks- kind of nights. It isn’t my boss’ fault. As a supervisor, I will sacrifice my breaks if it means that I can get more work done. I hate taking breaks knowing that there’s other things I could be doing.

And my friend Kim has been baiting me into playing Overwatch with him after I get off work till like 3/4 in the morning. (Damn you) He’s also gotten me back into console gaming and I’ve been playing The Division with him too and I’ve been playing The Fractured But Whole in my Kim-is-at-work-or-out-drinking-so-I’ll-play-by-myself time. I go through phases of playing a lot of console stuff and neglecting my PC and then phases of solely spending time on my PC and forgetting I even have a PS4. Anyone else do this?

And boy howdy, my interest in anime has been reactivated! So many good shows this season. I’d love to gush about them in another one of my recommended Anime series posts if anyone would like me to!

And not to make even more excuses but on top of poor life decisions by staying up too late, I’ve been sleeping in too much, I don’t feel energized and ultimately I’m just stressed out and my depression/anxiety has had a bigger influence on me lately because of just how utterly tired and stressed I am right now. I’m hoping after the holidays I’ll feel better cause no family, no parties, no events and work should slow down.

And on a good note, I officially hit 1800 followers and I’m so incredibly happy and blessed and excited but I’ll be real with you. It’s intimidating. It’s hard to put into words but even though I’m so incredibly happy that I’ve gained like 300 or 400 followers in the last couple months because it reaffirms the decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve done, it’s incredibly daunting. I’m scared I won’t deliver enough or I won’t be able to keep up or upload enough often enough. Thankfully I’ve yet to receive a single negative or demanding message but I still worry. I know it’s silly but I wanted to share.

And last but not least I broke my goddamn pinkie toe last night.

Tl;dr: I’m a crazy person that’s also human. I’m tired, stressed, anxious, depressed, overworked and over feeling this way. I’ll work on my projects again soon enough just please be patient.

#text #text post #nonsims

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centerforhavening · 4 years

Photo

Congratulations to Jack Jansen on becoming a Certified Havening Techniques®️ Practitioner 🌱 I was named after my father's father, I carry his legacy with me. "Serve and do what you can to help others." I am Jack Jansen and since 1996 I have had my own practice as a coach and later on as a therapist. People come to me because they have already tried everything to overcome their insecurities, fears, doubts, sadness, anger, etc. and they just don't seem to succeed. I work from systemic thinking (trained at the Bert Hellinger Institute in Groningen) and combine that with hypnotherapy and Havening Techniques. I also give masterclasses and provide a year-long training for students to become a Systemic Energetic Therapist. I am asked as a columnist and supervisor. In 2017 my 1st book was released ‘HOMO REFLECTUS self-confidence from unity’. 🇳🇱 Ik ben genoemd naar de vader van mijn vader, zijn erfenis draag ik met mij mee. “Ben dienstbaar en doe wat je kan om anderen te helpen.” Ik ben Jack Jansen en heb sinds 1996 een eigen praktijk als coach en naderhand therapeut. Mensen komen bij mij omdat ze al alles hebben geprobeerd om hun onzekerheden, angsten, twijfels, verdriet, kwaadheid etc. de baas te worden en het maar niet wil lukken. Ik werk vanuit het systemische gedachtengoed (opgeleid aan het Bert Hellinger instituut in Groningen) en combineer dat met hypnotherapie en Havening Technieken. Inmiddels geef ik masterclasses en verzorg een jaaropleiding tot Systemisch Energetisch Therapeut. Ik word gevraagd als columnist en supervisor. In 2017 is mijn 1e boek uitgebracht ‘HOMO REFLECTUS-zelfvertrouwen vanuit eenheid-. Areas of specialization: Anger management, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Depression, Low self-confidence, Low self-esteem, Post-traumatic stress disorder, Stress, Grief, Confidence #haveningTheNetlands #havening #haveningtechniques #trauma #traumarecovery #empowerment #mentalhealth #anxiety #ptsd #coach #stressmanagement #resilience https://havening.org/directory/grid/view/details/14/824-Jack-Jansen https://www.instagram.com/p/B_mdf43lPj5/?igshid=b58gentlrfvc

#haveningthenetlands #havening #haveningtechniques #trauma #traumarecovery #empowerment #mentalhealth #anxiety #ptsd #coach #stressmanagement #resilience

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po1jennevanpetegem · 4 years

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Explaining depression to my mother

Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter. One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear; the next it's the bear. On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.

I call the bad days "the Dark Days". Mom says, "try lighting candles". But when I see a candle, I see, the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon. I am standing beside her open casket. It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die. Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem. Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed". I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.

Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?". Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party. Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at. Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends". Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go. I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom. You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. Mom says, "Try counting sheep", But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake.

So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in.

Mom says, "Happy is a decision".

But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break. Mom says, I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying. No Mom I am afraid of living. Mom I am lonely. I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy. So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportsCenter on the couch to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed, but my depression always drags me back to my bed until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city. My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat, but I am just a careless tourist here.

I will never truly know everywhere I have been. Mom still doesn't understand. Mom, can't you see that neither can I.

reflectie: Vele mensen hebben al te maken gekregen met depressieve gevoelens. Er zijn ook enkele mensen die dit gevoel niet kennen en er niet mee kunnen omgaan. Voor die mensen is het moeilijk te vatten wat een depressief persoon doormaakt. Deze performance maakt aan de hand van metaforen duidelijk wat depressief zijn betekent voor een persoon die hier mee te maken heeft. In deze situatie is het gericht naar een moeder; ouders weten vaak niet wat hun kinderen doormaken en hoe zij zich voelen.

Deze performance kan geplaatst worden onder het domein geestelijke gezondheid. In de geestelijke gezondheidszorg werken een hele hoop sociaal werkers. Ik denk wel dat ik een job zou willen waarbij ik depressieve mensen opvang. Het is zeer belangrijk dat deze mensen hulp krijgen en ik vind dit ook van groot belang.

#portfolio

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crazy8man-blog · 4 years

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Crazy 8 ( chapter 02)

I was a rock star who had been alone for all his life and suddenly I wasn't. I no longer found myself hiding behind the illusions of who I was expected to be. I could finally take off my mask and reveal myself without gear of persecution.

I had a Meth allowance and that allowed me to invite friends from a list of slammers , Grand Slammerz as we were and are still known as, to Party and Play when he went out to cook a load every week or so. Sodom and Gomorrah had been resurected in our apartment.

For most and best part there was Philip, my original dealer and me, Vagita, Kevin the carpet tweeker, Leo Biggie, Angel, Gunner, Mike, Christian, and the occasional stray or random.

At one point I even partied with the Bolivian Consulate to Florida.

Now, a funny thing happens you're a slammer. You stop eating and about the only time you do drink is to wash the taste of the ass you just ate out of your mouth. So, I guess in a sense you do eat, if you consider ass a meal.

My slamming Had not distorted my perspectives to the point where I didn't realize that I actually had to eat though. Wait! who the fuck am I kidding? About the only thing I put into my body besides Tina, cock and Philip's cum was a single cup of plain, steamed white rice, one Sunnyside up egg and homemade, sugar free lemonade everyday, never more, never less. My best friend Vagita worried and was the only one who voiced concern.

One night when I was heading into the shower to get myself ready for a night with Vagita and the carpet tweaker I happened to get a glimpse of myself in the dresser mirror. Holy fuck! what the fuck? Who the fuck, no what the fuck am I? I had gone from being a bodybuilder, a raging bull, to a stick figure. It was insane. I ran into the walk in closet and grabbed my scale.

I have gone from 256 pounds with 14% body fat to an unbelievable 139 pounds with 8% body fat. I screamed for Philip and he came running in.

"Do you like it" he asked . I had always his my femininity behind my weight lifting. "I do!. It kinda makes my dick look longer. After that we both ended up slammed out of our minds, fucking in front of our guests all night and into the next. The aftermath was toys everywhere.

From that point though I realized that I had to increase my calorie intake. If I wanted to increase my slams beyond what anyone could believe. My passion had become to slam the most and eventually I reached a hight that no one I know has ever touched. I slam an entire 8 ball.

But that's something for a later chapter.

I was never really a coffee drinker, but when you slam is by the gram, as I was, you end up alone in a room full of passed out tweakers from time to time and sometimes just in an an empty apartment after everyone has gone home.. So what to do? What the fuck do I do now? I would go for a walk on South Semoran Boulevard to the new hot spot, WaWa.

If you hadn't heard they serve coffee and oddly enough I was in the mood.

Now, about the hardest choice in being a meth head is do I slam, smoke or booty bump. This coffee thing was insane. There were like 9 different types of coffee and a dozen different types of mills and creamers! I would always end up up choosing the Cuban and going with the Splenda and half n half. It was the best cup of coffee I had ever tasted in my life.

On this particular night, sitting there in the night, alone with my 18 ounce cup of Cuban heaven I was content just listening to the Florida night. It was the first time I had been alone and out in public in a couple of months. Philip was overly protective of me and I didn't mind it in the least. I actually loved the fact that for the first time in my worthless like someone needed me, someone beautiful needed me. We needed each other. Suddenly, I yearned to get home and sleep with him, wrapped in each other's arms with Sally Pickles nestled safely between us.

Sally Pickles. God I'm in such pain right now. God lied to me. Never believe in God.

I met Sally Pickles on December 24th, 2013. My father had b-een murdered by my stepmother. She'd thought it the humane thing to do to stop feeding and hydrating him. By the time I'd gotten the call my dad was dead, just a heart beating inside a bag of skin and bones. I never got to say goodbye. Seeing how depressed I'd become, my Mon that bought me to meet Sally Pickles.

When I saw her sitting in her cage my heart was broken. The poor little girl was quivering in fear. And when I picked her up she look up at me and reaching her paws up licked my chin. From that moment on there was not a time that we were not together for more than a couple of hours. But now she's been stolen by a woman who calls herself a reverend, a Pat Bumgardner of the Metropolitan Community Church of New York City. Again, long story, but we'll get there.

By the time I got home Vagita had left, the carpet tweaker had recovered about an 8 ball of shards of Tina from the carpet and Philip was in the shower. The three of us decided to head over for some IHOP.

The stuffed French toast was mind boggling, but I only had one piece. Sally Pickles ate the rest .

After that we headed over to Lake Eola Park and spread out a blanket so that all 3 of us could cuddle. Kevin was an amazing cuddle. We just laid there and unwound for a few hours. It was really nice, all three of us pressed against each other in the cool shade with Sally Pickles laying on my chest I finally fell asleep. I had been awake for 6 days.

That night Philip left to go cook and I that's when I met Christian, well, I guess I should say the first time I chose him from the list.

Christian was into getting fisted and if I'd had a dollar for every time I'd shot a load watching fisting videos I'd either be really rich or broke. I never could save a fucking dime.

It was kind of strange watching this guy come in with actual pro camera equipment. I mean, the fucking guy had some really good shit, all pro! So I was like, you can't film in here. This is Philp's apartment just the same as it is mine and I don't think he's gonna be happy. He laughed and asked if was tweaking. Then he asked if I could at least call him and ask, which was difficult due to where Philip was and what we were doing but reasonable and still early enough to do. So I made the call and because I was considerate enough of his privacy, he said we could.

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