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gyusbambi · 3 years

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humph; han seojun (pt 3)

click here for humph masterlist!

part 1, part 2, part 4

story: frenemies to enemies to lovers, high school au

synopsis: seojun and you have known each other since kindergarten. you’re neighbors and even attended the same singing and piano classes. despite knowing each other for such a long time, you don’t enjoy spending time with seojun. even though you are aware of his unfairness, you keep spending time with him. when will you finally leave your childhood frenemy?

note: humph! is a story inspired by pentagon’s “humph! / 접근금지”. originally, this is a seungyeon fanfiction, which i posted on my wattpad. words: 4.3k

after what seems like forever, the bus finally arrives at the location. the rest of the bus ride went alright, except that suho kept turning around in his seat, checking if you’re doing well. because of that you simply decided to text him that everything was fine: seojun wasn’t even talking to you. on the contrary, he acted quieter than usual, looking out of the window the whole time.

speaking of: how lucky seojun felt that you didn’t seem to notice the truth behind his behavior. after all he’s a person incredibly difficult to read. one moment he’s mean only to remain silent in the other. even his friend with keen sense of perception, chorong, struggles to detect the real meaning of the boy’s actions. however, he’s definitely not about to give up, after all he spent the whole night planing the ultimate reconciliation.

han seojun himself, has no clue how to act. yet, one matter is clear: he wants to make up with you. the whole time he suppressed that he misses being near you, constantly trying to fight back the thought of wanting you. well aware that it’s easier said than done, he thinks of a way to overcome his stubbornness. in the first step, he needs to distance himself a little, though the concept of that seems more difficult than it sounds.

after everyone gets settled into their hotel rooms, it’s game time. outdoors you stand next to your roommates sua and soojin, as your teacher explains the simple rules for the tug of war game. your teacher’s suggestion of separating the teams classwise gets absolutely rejected by chorong, who claims that the game wouldn’t be exciting that way. therefore, your teacher hands the rope to chorong himself, stating that he should choose his opponent and divide into two groups.

at the sight of your friend grinning from ear to ear, you narrow your eyes in suspicion. is it that big of a deal from him?

but you’re even more surprised when he chooses his closest friend han seojun as his opponent to which the latter doesn’t react well.

“woah, you betrayer.” seojun tilts his head with a frown on his face before brushing his hair away from his forehead,

“game on.”

“okay, i’m the first one to choose and i choose y/n!” enthusiastically chorong pulls you to his side a little too fast, causing you to bump shoulders with him.

something seems off today.

two equal groups finally get created, a line separating them from each other. kim chorong and han seojun face each other, positioning themselves in the very front. purposely, you stand near the back, gripping the rope tightly with your hands since you don’t feel that strong.

right when the game is about to start, chorong suddenly groans in pain while holding his stomach,

“i don’t feel so good. someone else should take my position.”

“oh, well then suho should-”, you raise your hand to suggest who should replace chorong but you get interrupted by chorong immediately,

“y/n, thank you so much for volunteering. my strongest player!”

everyone watches you with confused eyes, probably thinking the same thing that’s running through your head. strongest player?

overwhelmed, your helpless eyes search for suho’s and it doesn’t take him long to react,

“if you’re not comfortable i could-”

“y/n, come on! what’s taking you so long?” sua gently grabs your shoulders from behind to push you to the front while laughing nervously.

as stupid as it sounds, once again you’re not able to hear her whispering something certain to your group members, while you are too busy observing the boy on the other side of the drawn line.

the whole team is lead to confusion when your friend tells them to let the rope go on the count of three.

on the sign of your teacher, the two groups start pulling the rope to their direction, trying to get the other members to their side. certainly, it’s difficult and requires a lot of strength. while tugging the rope with force, you look up to see han seojun doing the same thing, completely focused on the game.

“three.”

his veins are visible on his arms.

“two.”

his hair slightly covers a part of his forehead.

“one!”

all of the sudden everyone in your team, except for you, lets go off the rope, causing you to lose balance and stumble forwards.

some of the opponents fall down while the others are able to find balance in the last second.

letting out a small yelp, you find yourself falling into han seojun’s arms. however, when you grab onto his shoulders to prevent yourself from falling, he quickly reacher for your waist. before he knows it, both of you fall on the ground.

han seojun lays beneath you.

eyes tightly closed, your head hits his chest. with embarrassment you look up, to find him doing the same. the boy looks more than just shocked. his grip is still steady on your waist, hair messy, gaze on you.

are you starting to find him attractive?! (a/n: good morning, y/n)

and as you eventually notice the rosiness on his almost pale face, you cough more than just once.

“you just fell for me.”

it seems like it’s the last straw for you, when these words leave han seojun’s mouth with teasing tone.

now your stupid heart rate is speeding up again and you are sure that it’s able to explode any moment. not to mention, the boy beneath you can possibly hear it due to the extreme closeness.

therefore, you’re happy to come to your senses and stand up swiftly. after seconds han seojun does the same, watching you brush the dirt off your jeans.

he smiles at the sight of you and for once decides to ignore kim chorong grining like a cheshire's cat.

mission complete.

in the next game you have to build groups with four members and stand on a piece of newspaper. the group loses the moment one of their members step out of the paper.

lee suho instantly tugs at your sweater, asking if you want to be in a group with him. a smile forms on your lips and you nod to his request with joy. sooner than think, soojin approaches the both of you, questioning if she could join you. chuckling you playfully hit her shoulder to show that obviously she could,

“of course! now we only need one more person. how about sua?”

“i think sua wants to stick to her boyfriend.” soojin giggles while observing the couple clutching to each other.

as all three of you look around for a last person to join you, kim chorong pushes han seojun to your direction forcefully, causing his back to hit your own. with a look of puzzlement you turn around.

“sorry, seojun! we’re already four people. you gotta join their group.”,

kim chorong whines in a false upset tone before focusing back to his own group. once again, you fail to notice the grin on his face.

before it can get awkward between the four of you, you indicate them to step on the piece of paper. you wish you could overlook suho and seojun exchanging annoyed looks. it seems like both of them could start a fight any moment. thankfully soojin steps forward, standing between you and suho.

soon the host starts the game. everyone holds each other closely, your own arm around seojun’s back. you don’t fail to notice a smile appearing on soojin’s face when suho wraps an arm around her, holding her tightly. amused, you try to hold in your laughter but soon freeze on spot when seojun swiftly pulls you closer to his body before you can lose your balance and fall backwards. your own grip on his jacket tightens. both of you look at each other at the same time, taken aback by the sudden closeness. seojun coughs, a faint tint appearing on his ears, and looks away a little too quickly. meanwhile suho looks like he’s about to explode.

in the next round you intentionally squeeze yourself between the two boys, so that they don’t have the chance to throw fists at each other.

“why does suho ruin my plan!”

further away from you, chorong complains to sua and taehoon. the latter sighs with disappointment while shaking his head,

“i don’t know.”

“it’s almost like he likes y/n.” chorong scoffs sarcastially, eyes focused on lee suho.

but soon shock hits all three of them. chorong and taehoon avert their gazes from suho to look into each other’s eyes in horror,

“oh, no.”

the last day at the countryside is colder than usual and remains extremely silent, only sounds of crickets can be heard. that being so you choose to stay in the hotel room, watching tv dressed in jeans and a cozy hoodie. fully prepared for bed, you even removed your contact lenses and wear you specs, hair up in a messy ponytail.

however, the unexpected sight of your two roommates dressed up in their winter coats and combat boots causes you to sit up with surprise written in your face. both sua and soojin do the same when they spot you sitting on the couch lazily. after a short silence with the sound of the tv playing in the background, you finally break the awkward quietness,

“are you two going somewhere?”

“why are you still in those?”

instead of answering your question, sua looks you up and down with a confused expression. reacting to her statement, you push your glasses up your nose, eyes unable to meet hers,

“i thought we were staying in.”

“of course not! we should have fun on our last night.”, soojin chuckles while sitting down next to you, taking your hand in hers.

after nodding understandingly, you return soojin’s smile,

“that’s right. have fun, guys! i think i should stay in.”

before your friend sitting next to has the chance to reply to your decision, sua throws your jacket on your face softly,

“no way! you’re coming with us, y/n.”

removing the piece of clothing from your face, you’re met with sua staring at you with troubled eyes. resigned, you sigh before putting on your jacket which causes both of your friends to cheer. yet, this time you notice sua’s body losing its stiff posture while letting out a huge breath.

meanwhile han seojun walks outside with his hands in his pockets, feeling the cold air on his face. a shiver goes down his spine as he passes several students, who seem to enjoy the last night outside at this terrible weather. in fact, the young boy would rather stay in his hotel room if it wasn’t for his stubborn friends, who basically force him to attend the talent show. although, he thinks their several excuses are nothing but ridiculous (”it’s the last night”, “you should sing”, “sneak around in the woods” etc.) he still leaves his room at the mention of you. kim chorong never misses the chance of bringing you up in tangled situations, well aware of seojun’s reaction.

the moment they arrive at the talent show, which takes place near the forest, han seojun instantly spots you a few steps away from his friend group. completely uninterested you stand next to your friends, impatiently tugging at sua’s coat. at this sight of you, dull eyes visible under your specs, a few loose strands of hair falling down from your ponytail, he can’t help but smile at your disinterest. a few seconds ago he was feeling the same way but this changed thanks to your appearance.

minutes pass as everyone waits for the host to appear on the stage. students already found their seats on the floor, absorbed in their own conversations. somehow, chorong finds a way to sit close to you with the help of sua. the boy sits between you and han seojun with relief. moreover, he focuses on being as far away from lee suho as possible. fulfilling his plan, soojin luckily approached suho first, causing the cupid team to achieve their goal.

finally the host makes an appearance on the stage and lists the number of performances before the first group comes into view. seven girls from your grade, dressed in the same shirts and skirts, start dancing to a girl group song. at the sound of nonstop by oh my girl your disinterest disappears suddenly, replaced with excitement instead. to be honest, you really enjoyed this song, although it isn’t really your type.

while the girls are performing, chorong nudges seojun’s side with his elbow next to him, who seems rather bored.

“did you know this song is about someone who crushes on their best friend but is unable to confess?”

chorong’s sudden statement catches seojun’s attention and he turns his head to his friend next to him with a confused face,

“so what?”

“ah, i’m just saying.”, his friend shrugs with a playful pout before focusing back on the performing group.

what’s wrong with him?

before seojun can further question chorong’s odd behavior, his eyes unintentionally land on yours.

“saljjak seollesso nan!” (my heart fluttered a little)

viewing you bopping your head to the song happily causes seojun’s expressions to soften and without knowing his eyes linger on you with admiration.

the talent show ends after the last performance. unfortunately the air is even colder now causing many students to rush back to the hotel with almost freezing bodies. unquestionably, you start walking the same way as them, expecting your friends to follow you only to get pulled back.

sua loosens her grip on your jacket when you turn around to face her,

“how about we sneak around the forest, huh? what do you say?”

“forest?”

“apparently it’s haunted. isn’t that crazy?”,

she noticeably grins at you with excitement.

“yeah, that’s crazy.”, uneasily you mumble since you have bad memories with forests.

“come on, y/n! you love adventure.”

eventually you give in and follow sua and taehoon into the woods, still concerned about your decision.

seojun doesn’t seem surprised when his friends appear in front of him as he’s about to return to the hotel.

“let’s go ghost haunting!”

“ghost haunting?” he repeats chorong’s words with a questioning voice,

“forget it. i’m going to sleep.”

“why? are you scared?”

at the teasing tone seojun rapidly reacts,

“scared? me? what do you take me for!”

without having to try harder, the friend group follows seojun into the forest.

by some way the woods correspond exactly to your memories from your middle school time. you observe dark tree trunks around you as the moon shines through a lattice of leaves. with every step the undergrowth cracks and you hear the sound of wind slipping through the leaves. breathing in the cold air, you smell the scent of rich earth.

it’s almost like you’re experiencing that certain traumatic moment once again but luckily you aren’t alone.

to the sound of a flutter of wings, sua nervously clutches on taehoon’s coat while holding your wrist in the other hand. abruptly, her boyfriend stops in his track with wide eyes, causing both of you two stumble forward.

“w-what?”

“did you guys see that?” taehoon speaks without averting his gaze from the trees standing a little further away.

sua gulps, “see what? is there something?”

her voice has gotten quieter and more nervous as she follows her boyfriend’s gaze,

“this was supposed to be a mission and now we’re going to die.”

“what mission are you talking about?”

hearing your question, taehoon rapidly turns around to face you.

“nothing.”, he nudges sua with warning eyes before stepping forward,

“it’s probably nothing. do you guys really believe in ghosts?”

although he sounds quite confident, his steps are still cautious and the nervousness on his face is impossible to overlook. with each step, all of you feel your hearts pounding against your chests.

“kim chorong, where the hell are you?” sua mumbles under her breath impatiently, yet so quietly that you can’t understand a single word.

your skin shivers from the cold air and you feel your muscles tightening. trying not to shake, you grip on your friends clothing, waiting for taehoon to check what’s behind that mysterious tree.

and for one second all three of you stand still in complete silence when suddenly a tall dark creature stands not so far away from you. all of you scream in fear at the same time and before you know it you all sprint off to the opposite direction.

your legs move in extreme speed as your heart races in your rib cage. sua and taehoon are in front of you, running even faster with every second passing. frightened, your friend checks behind her and sighs in relief when she sees that you’re still with them.

from there, you run without thinking about stopping. after what seems like minutes your legs give in after you suddenly trip over a bumpy root. a small gasp escapes your mouth the moment you fall down on the slippery earth, wet and dewy leaves sticking on your palms.

without wanting to waste any time, you swiftly look up in hope to see your friends but unfortunately you’re only met with clumps of bushes, tall trees and barely visible black trails snaking through the undergrowth.

standing up, you brush the dirt off your hands and knees. hopelessly, you look around one more time to find someone but unluckily, you’re all alone in the haunted woods. the fact that it’s utterly dark makes everything worse and you try your best to suppress some terrifying memories.

although you’re shocked and frightened, you try your best to remain calm. it’s only a matter of time until you eventually find a way out of this stupid forest and return to your hotel. what could possibly happen to you? the woods are probably safe anyway, considering that the whole story about the ghosts is only a legend.

taking a deep breath, you look up to see stars in glimpses through tree breaks. it isn’t completely dark. seojun would always tell you to look at the moon and the stars when you’re afraid of the dark.

it seems like the track is endless as you walk further into the woods, fog covering your sight slightly. with your arms wrapped around yourself to keep your body warm you continue following the path. the further you go, the more you start to worry about where to go. there is nowhere to go. indeed, you are lost in the middle of the dark woods with nothing but yourself.

a look of concern crosses your face when your knees feel weak, causing you to stop in your tracks. carefully, you approach a random tree next to you and sit down completely exhausted. slowly, you were struggling to breathe normally. nothing but your heavy breathing and the sound of branches moving in the wind could be heard.

fidgeting with your fingers, red from the intense coldness, you try to come up with a way. yet, your head is only filled with memories from the time you were lost in the forest.

you remember every single detail from that night. how you left seojun stubbornly, your body shivering from the cold, dark shadows surrounding you, leaves crunching under your feet and tears streaming down your eyes.

these horrible memories cause you to feel uneasier than you already are and you feel your eyes tearing up.

you’re scared. nothing but fear takes over your shaking body. in this huge forest you are lost and completely alone. wrapping your arms around your knees, you cry quietly, heart beating faster than it should. time passes and you lose track of time while tears run down your cheeks.

out of the blue, a voice echoes through the forest with a worried tone to it. from all the panic and fear, you don’t bother looking up. soon the familiar sounds are easier to hear, pointing out that the person is near to you.

“yah, kim chorong! where are you guys?”

han seojun?

“if you guys don’t come out now i’m leaving without-”

when you’re sure that it’s han seojun’s voice, you look up to find him standing only a few inches away from where you’re sitting.

“y/n?”

han seojun’s shocked eyes find yours in a matter of seconds. the young boy stands there in his leather jacket with worry written all over his face. it hurts him so much to see you in this state and all he wants to do is to hug you.

it doesn’t take him long to squat down in front of you. carefully, he caresses your almost freezing face with his warm hands after brushing your hair out of your face. sadness crosses over his face when he wipes the tears off your cheeks. seojun’s heart aches when you look into his eyes with a mix of fear and relief, teary from crying the whole time.

“are you hurt? what happened to you?”,

he asks with a low tone, eyes never leaving yours.

at this, you squinch your eyes shut, only crying harder than you were,

“i got lost here. all alone.”

usually, you would feel embarrassed to cry or say something like that, especially in front of han seojun. but right now, you don’t care at all. on the contrary, you feel so happy that seojun found you, once again.

eyebrows drawing together, he lifts your chin up to take a better look at you,

“look at me.”

attempting to stop yourself from crying, you look into his eyes.

“it’s over now, y/n.”

“seojun-ah-” you trail off when you notice your voice shaking slightly, still taken aback by the whole situation.

“you’re not alone anymore. i’m with you.”, seojun wipes the last tears away from your face before pulling you in for a tight hug, strong arms wrapping around your figure. you feel relieved when he rubs your back comfortingly.

taking in a breath, you wrap your arms around his body, hugging him even tighter. face resting on his chest, you’re eventually able to calm down as he hums caring words into your hair with soothing voice.

fortunately, both of you find a way out of the woods. the whole time seojun held your hand tightly in his to make you feel safe. silence took over both of you, no single word leaving your mouths. now and then his thumb rubbed the back of your hand which helped you calm down.

but it definitely didn’t help your poor heart. instead of slowing down, it only beat faster.

isn’t it strange how seojun is the one who found you again, when you were lost in the woods? what’s even stranger is the fact that you feel differently near him. needless to say, you enjoy finding yourself in his arms. you also liked falling asleep on him in the bus ride.

it couldn’t be...

eventually you arrive at the hotel. eyes darting around your surroundings, you cough shyly,

“we should uh, we should go in now. again, thank you, seojunnie.”

seojunnie?

instantly your eyes widen in horror at the fact that you decided to call him by the nickname you gave him when you were younger. embarrassed, you’re unable to make eye contact and rub your neck before letting go off his hand after mumbling a good night under your breath.

however, before you have the chance to leave, seojun reaches for your wrist and pulls you back lightly. the boy tries to hide his pleasant smile and stares at you. surprised, you wait for him to speak.

“it may be a little too late. it also be not the right time or place to say this. but i just have to tell you that i’m sorry.”

sorry?

seojun notices the frown on your face and continues after taking a deep breath,

“i’m sorry for everything. i’m sorry for treating you nothing like a friend, i’m sorry for annoying you all the time, i’m sorry that i stole your audition and i’m so sorry for telling suho to stay away from you.”

the boy talks nervously, a look of guilt appearing on his face.

“it’s my fault that our friendship ended like that and i should have never done those things. i-i don’t know why i went that far and didn’t question your feelings but... but i just want you to know that i sincerely feel sorry. i’m sorry, y/n.”

utterly absorbed in his speech, you don’t notice him taking a bracelet made out of flowers until he wraps it around your wrist carefully. the feeling of his fingers brushing over your wrist causes butterflies to appear in your stomach.

“i hope you forgive me.”

after putting the bracelet on your wrist, seojun watches you staring at it with a look of surprise. the poor boy feels nothing but nervous standing in front of you, waiting for your reaction. after all, he’s content that he’s finally able to apologize, which took him long enough.

“i do. it’s okay, seojun.”

when you smile at him with happiness written in your eyes, he can’t believe his ears. how can you forgive him so easily? the young boy stands there silently in shock.

“seojun-ah?”

“you forgive me? really?”

hearing his excited tone, you nod while playing with the bracelet, eyes not leaving his,

“i’m happy we’re friends again, seojun.”

abruptly, he pulls you in for another hug, spinning you around,

“i missed you.” he mutters under his breath while you chuckle with amusement,

“i missed you too! but i think i’m gonna fall.”

after putting you down, seojun grins at you with loving eyes, happier than ever.

will he be able to overcome his feelings this time? needless to say, he likes you more than just a friend. but for now, he just wants to be near you again.

“race you to the rooms, zombie.”,

after pinching your cheeks, seojun sprints away. soon you follow him, laughing at the nickname,

“hey! you didn’t count!”

to be continued...

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fellulahh · 4 years

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He finds out MC’s pregnant despite her trying to hide hit: Mammon’s reaction

Original post is here!

“M—MC’s carrying my baby...” he stuttered to himself in a moment of panic as he dropped the test on the floor. “I’m gonna be a Dad!”

Quickly glancing across his shoulder, Mammon shoved the pregnancy test into his pocket before rushing out of the room. For the whole day his mind raced over his discovery. The same panicked thought kept springing into his head.

‘MC’s leaving tomorrow!’

With her busy spending the day with Diavolo to clear up the last of the details for her departure, Mammon was left to think about their baby alone.

Sitting in the lounge with the test held tight in his hand, Mammon stared down at it as he breathed heavily. His eyes grew watery at just the sight of the small positive symbol. Oh how he wished he discovered it sooner! Perhaps he’d have been able to do something about MC leaving.

He had to wait until she came back from the palace. With every minute that past, it became more and more agonising for the white haired demon. He felt awful. He honestly felt like he’d let MC down.

‘She obviously thought she couldn’t tell me’ he sulked to himself, ‘why did ya have to hide this from me MC?! Don’t ya know I love ya?!”

As the evening came, Mammon could feel himself growing tired. MC still hadn’t returned from Diavolo’s and still feeling in shock, the second eldest brother struggled to keep his eyes open. Deciding to have a rest while he waited for MC to come home, he took himself upstairs.

As he entered their room and climbed into bed, he quickly slid the pregnancy test under his pillow before his eyes fluttered shut.

Before he knew it, hours passed and he eventually was awoken by a noise.

Slowly opening his eyes, he immediately sat up as he saw MC across the room zipping up her suitcase.

“MC!” He gasped, realising he’d slept through the night, “when did ya get home?!” He asked in a panic.

“About 10 ish.” She smiled, “I came to find you but you were sleeping and I didn’t wake you because you looked so adorable.”

Leaving behind her suitcase, she walked over to him with a sad expression on her face. “Even when you were sleeping you still snuggled up to me, it’s like you knew it was my last night.” She sighed as she caressed his cheek.

“MC ya can’t go!” He cried, feeling completely emotional.

Hesitating, she looked away. “I have to, it’s what’s best.” She spoke ambiguously

Before Mammon could say anything else, Lucifer appeared at the door. “I see you’re finally awake, brother.” He observed, watching the scruffy haired demon who was still half under the covers. “Come MC, we need to sort out your paperwork.” He urged, “I trust you can get yourself ready in five minutes, Mammon?”

“Five minutes?!” He shrieked, causing MC to gaze at him sadly.

As she hesitantly walked toward the door, she began to wonder if she’d made a mistake. She kept telling herself that not telling Mammon was the right decision. Her mindset was ‘ignorance is bliss’. Mammon can’t be hurt by the news if he never finds it out.

Watching MC leave, Mammon found his heart breaking more and more by the second. His one chance at being alone with her was gone. What was he supposed to do now?

As time passed, Mammon found himself standing in front of MC with the brothers as she gave them all sad looks. They were all gathered in Diavolo’s palace getting ready for her departure. She’d already poured her heart out to Mammon, expressing how much she’d grown to love him. He was unable to hold back his tears as he gawped at her.

“I hope one day you will be able to return to us, MC.” Diavolo spoke in the background as Mammon’s eyes fell on her stomach. “I know you will be dearly missed here”

“And I will miss you all terribly too.” She smiled sadly.

“In that case then it’s time.” Diavolo nodded.

Unable to accept that she was about to leave him, Mammon launched his body toward her. He was done trying to find the right moment; it was now or never.

“STOP IT, SHE’S NOT GOIN’ ANYWHERE!” He stated as he waved his arms.

“Mammon what are you doing?” MC asked quietly as everybody stared at them.

“What’s the meaning of this?!” Lucifer questioned, fearing being embarrassed in front of Diavolo.

“SHE CAN’T GO. SHE AINT GOIN’ ANYWHERE BECAUSE THIS HUMAN IS CARRYING MY BABY!”

Suddenly every demon and MC gasped.

“Mammon you know?!” MC breathed in disbelief.

“Of course I know!” He cried, pulling out the pregnancy test from his pocket. “Please don’t leave me MC, I’ll be a good Father I promise!”

“Mammon you weren’t ever supposed to find out.” MC panicked.

Watching them both in horror, Lucifer turned his attention to Diavolo. “She has to stay.” He demanded, “she can’t leave him.”

Diavolo was lost for words. Turning his attention to Mammon and MC who were currently in a tight embrace, he let out a deep breath.

“Please, my Lord.” Lucifer sighed, still trying to process the news himself.

“Ya can’t go!” Mammon sobbed into MC’s neck as he held her. “Ya can’t leave me now.”

“I have to, Mammon.” MC breathed, “I don’t want to but I have no other choice.”

“But that’s my baby!”

Diavolo let out a sigh as he watched them before clearing his throat. “There’s been a change of plan.” His voice boomed causing the pair of them to spin around. “It’d seem with this latest revelation it wouldn’t be right to send MC back. Should you wish to stay, Devildom will remain your home.” He nodded, already making up his mind.

MC was speechless.

“Ya hear that?!” Mammon grinned as he lifted her up and spun her around.

“Mammon!” MC squeaked.

“Ah shit sorry, the baby!”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me pregnancy

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michaelmilligan · 3 years

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Destiel fix-it fic (post 15x19)

Okay so this is 1,8k of fix-it for that horrible shit we call an 'ending'. Yes, I am still not over the finale. No, I will not take criticism at this time. (I meant to work on a genderfluid Dean(na) fic which will likely have several parts, but this wouldn't leave my brain so here you go. No beta, just pure rage against the machine that churned out the finale.) (Also my first time adding a cut so if it doesn't work please tell me.)

Dean hadn't taken it well. Not that Sam could blame him. He himself was still struggling with everything that had happened. Chuck snapping everyone away, the fear and the desperation... But they won, and everyone was back. Well, everyone except Cas.

Dean had said “just us” and Sam had said the same and they had driven for a while and it had been good to be on the road, to finally be free. But at the end of the day, it wasn't just them, and that was good too. Great even. There were Jody and the girls. Eileen. Donna. Charlie and Stevie. Garth and his family. All these people they knew and loved, everyone they cared about. Everyone was safe. Everything was good.

Except for Cas.

It had taken a few days for it to really sink in for Sam that he was gone. After all, he hadn't been there when it had happened. Hell, Dean had never even really told him how it went down. But Dean's grief was undeniable, the way he drunk himself into oblivion, much like the last time they had lost Cas, when they had also lost their mom. Both losses had been temporary, but they hadn't known that at the time.

Now their mom was gone for good, up in Heaven and apparently happy. And Cas was gone too, probably in the Empty if he was dead. Sam missed him, of course he did. He was their best friend, the other father in their trio, however weird that sounded. Also Sam also missed Jack, not knowing if they would ever see him again, now that he was almighty and all that. But Sam handled it, he always handled it, and he had Eileen to keep him company, to hold him when he needed to cry.

Dean had noone, hadn't had anyone in years. Maybe he had never had anyone who would do that for him, and Sam was starting to worry about Dean's liver as well as his mental health. Not that any of them could be great in that department, but so far they had always been able to keep it together. Now Sam wasn't so sure.

As he walked into the kitchen, he half expected to find Dean slumped over, drooling onto the kitchen table with a half-full bottle of whiskey in his hand. Instead, the room was empty, no empty bottles in sight. Huh.

Sam set out in search for his brother, trying his room first but finding it just as empty. It took him several minutes before he ducked his head into the library, and finally saw Dean sitting at a table, several books open in front of him.

“Dean? What are you doing?”

Dean's shoulders tensed for a moment, but he didn't turn around.

“Research,” he said gruffly, sounding like he had woken up less than an hour ago.

“On what? You got a case?” Sam came into the room, looking over the books. He saw Enochian, an angel summoning spell, a dictionary... “What's this for?”

Dean pressed his lips into a thin line. “Cas,” he croaked out. “We've got to... there has to be a way.”

“Dean. I thought you said he was dead. You know we can't... There's no way to get him from the Empty.”

Dean gritted his teeth, looking like he was about to snap. “That dude almost got Lucifer out, but we can't get Cas back?” He sprang up, walking towards the nearest shelf just to stare at it.

“Dean. What even happened? How did... you never told me what happened,” Sam tried, hoping against hope that his brother wouldn't just clam up like every other goddamn time he tried to talk about something difficult.

“He... he just. Goddamnit, he said- He- he made a deal with the Empty and then-”

“Wait, what? The Empty was there? Why the hell would he make a-”

“No, I mean. Before. He made the deal to save Jack, back when... It agreed to take him instead of Jack, but only... only if... and he said...” Dean's shoulders were shaking as he leaned his forehead against the shelf. “He... he summoned it. The Empty. To take him away so it would take Billie too. And I... I couldn't do anything. There was... we had no weapons, nothing to fight the Empty, nothing to fight Billie and he...” Sam couldn't see his face, but he could hear the tears in his voice.

“Okay. Okay.” Sam let out a deep breath. It wasn't the first time one of them had sacrificed himself for the others. And like any other time, Dean couldn't let it go. Well, not that Sam had always been able to. “So you want to get him back. You think that's wise?”

Dean whirled to him, his eyes hard and full of tears. “What?”

“I'm just saying... Cas sacrificed himself to save you. And now you're going to endanger yourself to get him back, do you think that's really what he wants? And even if we had a way of getting to the Empty, who says that we're gonna be able to get Cas out, or that the Empty won't just snatch him again as soon as we're back on Earth?”

But Dean's face had completely shuttered closed. This was one of the times were no logical arguments would get through to him.

“I'll find a way,” he said, turning back to the shelf to sort through the books.

Sam sighed, and after watching his brother for a while, he left him to it, deciding to let him grieve in his own way.

It was about three days later when Sam heard a noise from the entrance. Frowning, he walked towards it, wondering if Dean had invited anyone. Eileen wasn't scheduled to come over, but maybe she had wanted to surprise him? He had told her not to come, didn't want her to see Dean like that, but then again when did she ever listen to him?

When he saw who was coming down the stairs from the entrance, Sam felt his eyes widen.

“Jack!”

The boy – God, whatever – smiled and raised his hand.

“Dean! Dean, Jack is here,” Sam called in the direction of the corrdor, then hurried over to him. He hesitated, not sure if you were supposed to hug the newly appointed God. But Jack was his son and he had missed him, so in the end he pulled him into a tight hug. Jack returned it, squeezing him and still smiling when they pulled apart.

Which was when Sam noticed the other figure coming down the stairs and he gasped. “Cas?” He looked at Jack, who just kept smiling, and Sam laughed and pulled Cas into a hug, too. Cas returned it, though a little more carefully than Jack, and his smile wasn't as bright. Maybe a little... shy? Embarrassed?

“Dean? Dean! It's- Dean, get your ass over here!” Sam called again, hardly believing their luck.

Dean jerked awake to a stiff neck and an aching back, hunched over on the library table, drool on a three-hundred year old book. He thought he'd heard Sam, calling for him, and he got up to walk out of the library in spite of his protesting body. “Sam?” he called as walked along the corridor, anxiety forming in his gut. What if something was wrong? What if they were under attack? What if the next big villain – whoever that might be after thee actual God – was here to get them? Or maybe just some regular monster, ready to tear them apart, taking them by surprise?

Dean pulled his gun and tread carefully, peering around each corner before rounding it. He heard voices from the entrance, and by the time he was almost at the door, he heard a laugh. It sounded like Sam... He still peeked around the door frame before getting in and saw Jack, just standing there, looking comfortable.

“Jack?” Dean made his way over to him quickly, not believing his eyes. “What are you- I thought you-”

“Dean!” Jack beamed at him and Dean couldn't not pull him into a hug.

“Hey, kiddo.”

“Hi.” Jack squeezed him tight.

When Dean looked towards Sam, he also saw... no. This wasn't possible, was it? Dean pulled back, eyes wide, just staring for a moment before he turned towards Jack. “You- how-”

“I know I said I'd be hands-off, but...” Jack shrugged, looking apologetic. “I didn't want to be.”

Dean let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding, his eyes going back to Cas. His eyes were prickling, and he suddenly noticed how Cas evaded his eyes, peering up at him from beneath his eyelashes almost shyly.

“Thank you,” Dean said to Jack, aware of the tremor in his voice, and then he rushed towards Cas.

“You goddamn- fucking moron,” he hissed as he wrapped him in the tightest hug he might have ever given anyone. “Stupid fucking dumbass.”

“Uh,” Cas made, sounding insecure. “Hello, Dean.”

Dean gripped him the shoulders when he pulled back, then put his hands on Cas' face. “You fucking- what does that even mean, huh? 'It's in the just saying it'. What the fuck. What the actual fuck!”

Cas squinted at him, opened his mouth, closed it again.

“You-” Dean cut himself off, running out of words, so he kissed Cas instead. It was a rough kiss, and long, and Cas seemed to have trouble keeping up, his hands coming up to claw at the flannel on Dean's back.

Dean was vaguely aware of a gasp behind him, but he was still laser-focused on Cas, glaring daggers at him.

“You maybe wanna re-think that?” He shoved him.

“Uh, I- I do?” Cas said, still looking terribly confused, and Dean couldn't help but kiss him again, just as roughly at first but getting softer over time until they were just breathing each other's air.

“You fucking asshole. You could have said something sooner! Before you got your ass dragged to the-” Dean stopped, feeling his face going through several emotions at once.

Cas squinted at him. “So could you.”

Dean stared at him, hearing Jack say “What's wrong, Sam?”, and yet he still couldn't have cared less.

“Goddamnit, you're right, we're both dumbasses.” When Cas opened his mouth, he added: “No, Cas, 'trusting' really doesn't cut it here.”

Cas huffed out a laugh – and wasn't that a sight for sore eyes. Dean kissed him again, hearing Jack in the background: “Wait, is this something new? I always thought they were just not very public about it.”

Dean grinned against Cas' lips, and Cas smiled back as Dean pulled him into another hug.

Meanwhile, Jack was still talking: “You know what, I think they need a minute. And I want to eat Crunch Cookie Crunch. Do you still have any?”

#Destiel #Supernatural fanfiction #Destiel fanfic #How do you even tag #Deancas #deancas fanfiction #Finale fix-it #After this Jack tells them that he doesn't want to be God #'I'm three Dean. Three! I'm not even legally allowed to drive yet'#And Dean goes 'You're also not allowed to drive because you legally don't exist... but yeah okay I get it'#They find a way for Jack to give up his God mojo to power Heaven directly #And Jack comes back home #They live happily ever after #Noone dies or fucks off into the sunset #The End #Except of course it's not an end it's just the beginning of the rest of their lives #Quiet domestic lives #Occasional hunts or helping younger/less experienced hunters #But all in all just two guys being gay married raising a son together with their brother and his wife #Eileen is awesome and teaches Jack all manner of dangerous shit #Claire and Eileen hang out and she becomes a cool aunt #Jack and Claire are siblings (TM)#Anyway this is already too many tags you get the gist

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sabbywrites · 3 years

Text

Let’s talk.

This is a long post that also happens to be long overdue. Also posted as a thread to my twitter (tl;dr at end).

Hi everyone. It’s been a while. I’ve been debating for a little bit on how to write this, going back and forth between feeling scared and feeling determined to say what I want to say. I’m finally at a point where I can confidently say: let’s talk.

First, I want to say this: I’m sorry. I haven’t been very consistent these past two years, with both my writing and with keeping in touch with everyone I’ve met online. If you’re reading this and I haven’t spoken to you in a while, know this: I will be getting in touch with you soon. I haven’t forgotten the amazing people I call friends.

If you folks will have me, I’d love to catch up with everyone I haven’t talked to during my absence. I want to make one thing very, very clear— me being gone was never about me not wanting to talk to the people on here or participate in this community. The thing I regret the most about being gone is leaving people in the dark. If my absence has in any way, shape, or form hurt you, I cannot begin to apologize enough from the bottom of my heart. That was never my intention, although intentions don’t fix the hurt caused.

I want to discuss the reason for my absence, so please bear in mind that I’m not trying to excuse being gone— just explain why.

Some of you may know that I have three diagnosed mental conditions that have mostly been manageable through medication and therapy. When I first started writing online, I was halfway through undergrad and I wanted a place where I could put my writing so people might enjoy it. I found that pretty quickly on Ao3. As I worked on getting my writing degree, I would spend hours and hours working on what became ASID. I was thrilled beyond belief when ASID drew in readers who left wonderful comments.

I have a huge amount of love in my heart for everyone who has ever read any of my works, and I wouldn’t change anything about that. Ever. But as I graduated from college, I started noticing that my mental health was on a sharp decline that it hadn’t been on since high school. I tried to keep it at bay for a while, because I was sure I would bounce back.

I did not.

I began to take small breaks as I jumped into graduate school. I feel very purposeless without school in the background of my life; I’d gotten a degree that a lot of people in my life implied was useless, and with every break I took I felt more and more like an imposter. What’s a writer who doesn’t write? Had I gotten my degree for nothing? I trudged on through grad school and received my Masters in May. It still didn’t feel right. I felt like a failure.

Every time I logged on to talk to friends or check my comments, a voice in the back of my head kept popping up. I was getting older and less motivated. Life outside of undergrad hit me all at once. Nothing I wrote felt good enough to post. The amount of debt I was in already made me ill, and I went through four years of schooling just to feel like the degree I earned was for nothing.

There’s a weird misconception that artists have to be suffering to make good art. We have to be low to do our best. And I was low, lower than I had been since the absolute worst days of my life, and I still couldn’t produce anything. The pain wasn’t enough to jump-start me. What worth did I have, then? What worth does someone who has put their heart into their writing have if they can’t write anymore?

I mistakenly felt like I was an imposter among genuine people, like the friends I had made and the writers I admired were on the other side of a window, in a place I couldn’t get into. When the pandemic rolled around, things had already been teetering on the edge. I won’t sit here and pretend that I got hit any worse than anyone else during 2020— I had a roof over my head and a place to go during my state’s lockdown. But there was ample time, and yet I still wasn’t writing. I couldn’t even do that right. I had to rawdog my mental illness for a stretch, live in a town where the worst trauma of my life had happened to me, and feel like a total, complete, garbage failure every single day. Logging in was more and more of a reminder that I was dead weight.

Financially, I wasn’t doing much better. In the past year or so, I’ve had to provide for myself living on my own on an nonprofits’s pay (not much), as well as occasionally provide for my uncle. I’d thought that by my mid-twenties my life would be different; that I’d be better. In the last few months, it’s become clear that I require surgery for something that may not yet be able to be covered by my insurance; my options now are to wait for it to progress and get worse for coverage or pay out of pocket for the surgery sooner. It’s likely I will need a second one afterwards to completely correct my issues.

For a while, that just made the idea of writing again feel selfish. Why spend time interacting with the community when I should be working to make money because I wasn’t eligible for the stimulus? Why sit down and write something that I would probably just scrap anyway? There’s a lot of other more personal things that happened during my absence that I won’t delve into, including the passing of our family dog. I’m sorry if this seems vague as well, or if it appears that I’m just trying to make excuses— I’m not. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always kind of receded in on myself any time I feel anxious or like a phony. I know it’s not a good habit.

So that’s why I’m here right now, writing this. If I could go back and tell myself that those things I thought about myself weren’t true— that I deserve to have fun in this community and I deserve to talk to the people I care about— I would. But unfortunately, I can’t do that. All I can do is move forward.

I’m not going to sit here and promise that things will be the way that they were back when I first started; not right away, at least. But as of lately I’ve been letting myself peek at my Tumblr dash every so often or log into my Ao3 to see my comments. Those things used to scare me— and they still kind of do right now— but I can’t let them anymore. Joining this community is one of the best things I have ever done. I mean that. The people I’ve met, the comments I’ve received, hell even the discourse I’ve jumped in on— I wouldn’t trade any of it. Things might be overwhelming for a little bit as I adjust to being back after so long, but I want to be here. I want to let myself be happy again.

If you’ve read this far— thank you. Thank you so much for your love and for your patience. Like I said before, I cannot stress enough that my absence was because of myself alone and had nothing to do with my amazing friends on here or the community. If I haven’t messaged you in a long time— again, I apologize. I really, really did drop off. But the only way I can be better at being consistent with the people I care about is by holding myself accountable, not shrinking away.

It may take me a few days to really sort through all of my unread messages and comments and asks and give them the attention they deserve. But I promise, I’ll reach out to everyone whenever I’ve taken the time to do so. Thank you all for being there even when I am not.

Tl;dr—Mentally and financially, I’ve been struggling a lot this past year. I fell back into bad habits of receding into myself and leaving people in the dark, and I really wish I hadn’t. I’d love to be a more active part of this community again. I love all of you so, so much.

#sabby rambles

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valaks · 3 years

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Hey Valaks! I love your blog and your writing!

Please could you do 1, 10 and 18 for the writing asks?? 🌺

Thank you for the ask! I have added a cut to hopefully not be that person clogging up the feed XD

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

I have a few collabs outstanding like Gemini and a Kabir/Alex sequel to Reunion (It’s rated T at the most so still kid friendly) with Lupin and Devil Went Down to Georgia with Galimau. My utter love for both of my collab partners for pulling me through at a time when I’ve been really struggling. I have a WIPs List but I’ll confess to not having touched most of them in quite sometime (partly from life, partly because I’m not sure how interesting they’d be to anyone else other than me which influences my writing more than I would like to admit):

Good Intentions: Smithers never thought he’d be anyone’s moral compass, he was no angel to sit in anyone’s shoulder but trying to keep Alex Rider from following in the ruthless footsteps of his father or worse his former handler, Alan Blunt is as close to hell as he can imagine. (Wherein Alex becomes head of MI6 we watch his morality slip away form the eyes of an increasingly frustrated and heartbroken Smithers - it all culminates when Alex uses a child “just as an informant, simple information gathering” but hidden behind the charming smile of John Rider and the brutal coldness of Alan Blunt’s words is Alex Rider dying as he says them (Smithers just hopes there’s still a part of the boy he once knew in there to mourn)

Walk the Line: Alex thought he was done with SCORPIA. But they kept creeping back into his life in the most unexpected of ways. He thought he could at least count on it being on the other side until he gets teamed up with Walker, his former classmate and current CIA spy. Unfortunately he still hasn’t been able to figure out whose side Walker is really on - attempted deep cover op like his dad, repatriated rogue spy back on the “good” side, or SCORPIA double agent? He doesn’t know but at least he’s nice....in that obnoxious American way.

Temperamental: (Sequel to Sentimental which isn’t all that popular and you would need to read it for the sequel but basically amnesiac Yassen whose memories stop pre John’s betrayal set during the Stormbreaker mission and features him trying to come to grips with the use of chemical weapons against children and how to handle Alex once he snaps back to reality which is where this starts) Yassen had promised Alex Rider that he would be safe from the world of spying but fate had other ideas. In the days after Sarov’s failed plan, Yassen scrambles to find where MI6 have hidden his wayward charge without drawing Rothman’s attention. A request from one of their existing clients to look into suspicious activity at his son’s former school prompts Yassen to investigate under the guise of offering security. He should have known where there was trouble there would be Alex.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

Lordy do I ever not have a good answer for this. Typically it involves an idea hitting me and then the determination: would this idea work better as a short to post on tumblr (because the set up would take away the tension or would require a multi chapter which is not really my strength), as a prompt to lob out into the ether for someone better and brighter to touch on, or a fic. Once fic is decided I determine whose perspective the fic would be the most interesting from either because it would create the most tension or their internal monologue/background knowledge would add the most to it. Then the summary is written and a title is chosen. If it’s something I’m really passionate about and I already have it in my head I tend to write it all in one go, if there’s more I need to chew on then it’s a series of dates with the Evil Writing App. The final determination is whether it’s good enough for Valaks or if it gets sent to an alt account.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations?) Tell us about them.

Allegedly. I’ll try to go in order of posting -

Ruthless has a sequel where Alex just goes *quiet* once the initial dust as settled it’s unnerving to everyone because they’re not used to having to wonder just what Alex is thinking, at least not behind closed doors but what happened isn’t exactly something that can be recovered from easily, not when Alex isn’t sure who all’s in on it no matter what they’ve told him. Failure is the AU where I considered what would happen to Alex to make him want to torture.

Alibi was originally going to have Yassen show up in the end but I found it far more fascinating if MI6 was just testing Alex so out went Yassen and in went Ben. The sequel to it was torn apart and turned into Warm Reception because I wanted to trope flip SCORPIA comes to Brooklands and decided that it was more logical to have a small fight in Mrs. Bedfordshire’s lobby than anywhere else and I wanted to explore some side characters instead of Ben.

Providence’s sequel thoughts ended up inspiring Gentleman’s Agreement but I did write a small short for it “Yassen and Alex encounter each other on mission. Surprisingly they are working to mostly the same goal - Yassen needs to kill the millionaire who Alex needs to get information from. “I suppose I could answer some questions for you, Sasha. /In Russian/“ “Is now really the time for a language lesson?” he ground out in frustration but the man pointedly ignored him “/Fine but I don’t know some of the words/“ “/Then there is no better way to learn/“

I mentioned the Sentimental sequel but changing Sarov to come first and probable for almost a month before Yassen figures out he’s missing made the most sense. It was also a bit of fun at the Yassen would absolutely take Alex away from MI6....just to throw him in a school and throw away the key. Almost had him send him to Point Blanc but decided that wouldn’t quite fit all that well and wouldn’t be as interesting as if Alex had already gotten his feet back under him with MI6 and now sees that Yassen was right that MI6 would just use him until he’s dead but that doesn’t mean Alex wants to be anywhere near Yassen. Julia Rothman might have other ideas when she finds out what her newest second in command is hiding.

Gentleman’s Agreement.....there’s a lot of thoughts on Sequels and AUs, a lot of them have been written by better people, but that fic was written in 45 minutes so there wasn’t much time to recharacterize or change scenes. It did get Turncoat aka the Alex saves Yassen fic I wanted so badly.

Blood Brothers is a fic I really worked hard on considering how John would feel about his son being thrown into SCORPIA assuming Alex was of age. A rocky marriage was characterization that didn’t quite fit what I imagined would have happened but did fit the story so it stayed in. It was a fic that was supposed to get expanded on - the competition between Hunter and Yassen and Nile and Alex who is desperate to beat his Dad and his “apprentice”. I think two teenagers thrown against each other with a bit of a bone to pick, especially Yassen and Alex who can both hold a grudge even if one runs hot and the other runs cold, would have been compelling and a little fun but the premise and specifically John’s characterization doesn’t quite work out to me.

Found and Legends both have their plotting done but it’ll never see the light of day

Little Moments and Sweetest Thing were my guilty pleasure writing pieces for a while and I have about 1000 DMs of scenes for both of them that are lost to the sands of time and an embarrassing amount of self indulgence

Mates has a follow up ending for those who needed resolution in the comments of it. I’m not sure I did a good job of showing that Tom was in a semi abusive relationship since a lot of people seemed to blame him for him and Alex’s breakup. Most of my headcanons for how their relationship goes have them splitting much sooner just because of Tom’s own home life and either being unable to relate/talk to Alex and drifting away because his Mom throwing a plate at his head isn’t being hung over crocodiles but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or because Alex is just too dangerous/jumpy to be thrown back into a school environment and lashes out even unintentionally especially not under the pressure of being seen as a failure. School is also a barometer of just how much he’s lost of himself and his childhood, bonus points for Alex being completely upfront with Tom about everything he’s done

In My Sights has an AU where this is all post Christmas at Gunpoint and Yassen is there because he knows Ian is already at Sayle’s factory and will have to be...handled. So two weeks of just getting Alex trained for the protection he might need, connecting him to resources, etc. Ian finding out that Yassen had been there was part of a draft at one point which was included Alex wondering about an all too sincere goodbye from Ian “who never hugged him” but I can’t find the snippet anymore ;__;

A Warm Reception was an alternate version. Originally I wanted it to be Alex watching his last chance at normality slip from his fingers and then the crushing realization that it was something that was his own doing, not even MI6 but Skoda who he had picked a fight with and the accompanying breakdown but then decided that Mrs. Bedfordshire was the right way to go upon writing the summary. Because everyone loves some Outsider POV

Adopted was supposed to be a one chapter throw away trope flip of K Unit adopts Alex. I kept it pretty consistent with Amitai and Lil Lupin’s K Units, tried to add in some more characterization just in how they treated some of the details. It has an alt ending/chapter where they find out Alex is Cub when they pull him from Three’s tender mercies almost by accident. I was persuaded into light humored fluff via guilt trip.

The Truth and Other Deadly Weapons has Ben acting exactly like he think he would in front of everyone but my AU was that this interaction happened in the field and absolutely shattered Ben’s trust in him partly because he had worked for the other side and partly because even if it ‘wasn’t as bad as it looks’ it showed a severe lack of judgment. It also featured several chapters of Alex running into the glass ceiling that is having “Member Malogosto Class of 2004” on your resume. Was going to feature Alex running into Walker as well and into problems within MI6 and the CIA but that was eventually cut and it was kept to one chapter.

Guardian....Guardian holds a very special place in my heart. I was given the prompt of a Monster Fic and I wrote what I knew but the interesting parts were all the ones that come after the story but might come across to a general audience as Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles. The plotting done post this was going to feature baby Angel Alex reuniting with his parents but...they were strangers to him and so he stayed with Yassen more and more, followed him, learned from him....it encompassed everything from the dynamics of broken families to reflections on theology and references from the Good Book....which is why it’ll never see the fandom but has a very special place in my heart.

In another, more perfect world Glocking Around the Christmas Tree is the Die hard fic this fandom deserves but as Lupin and I untangled the plot of the movie more and more we just couldn’t make it into anything that would be coherent on paper so it was changed and changed and is now a half finished sad abomination that sits on my works list only because Lupin would kill me if I took it down.

Hot Shot was supposed to feature my current favorite character that is not Nile Abara, John Crawley but I wimped out and changed it at the end because I swore I would write the Crawley fic that we all need. Hear me out: John Crawley knew and worked with John and Ian Rider, was respected by both of them, was recruited by SCORPIA within one year in the field, is the Chief of Staff of MI6, the man who “no one gets a knife in the back without him signing off” and is also the man who walks his dog to check on Alex. There’s a mentorship waiting to happen there, preferably in a nice work study program during college where Alex finally gets to see the repercussions of his missions and Crawley helps try and pull him back from the black mark that SCORPIA would have put on him.

My personal fluffy favorite is the spinoff of Devil Went Down to Georgia where Joe Byrne did pull Alex out post Skeleton Key and brought him home. There’s a pretty extended one about where Tom ends up after Mates. There’s also an actual sequel but ask me no questions and all.

Skipping a few collabs and Febuwhump fics but Burning Questions was just supposed to be Branded - a fic where upon being captured by Razim he is brought in and forcibly branded to differentiate the appearances of Alex and Julius (since Razim has decided to have him killed after shooting the Secretary of State). As a result of the pain levels spiking when Alex actually sees that the SCORPIA logo is branded onto his cheek Razim considers that emotional pain might be something to investigate. There’s a couple thousand words on it, one day I might polish it up.

First Impressions is supposed to be a mirror verse of Alex working for MI6 which includes Three as Blunt, Rothman as Jones and of course Sagitta as K Unit while he’s up against his father as Yassen and Yassen as Crawley. But it was cut down significantly even if the ideas are pretty fun to consider.

Sorry this was probably more than you bargained for but it was fun to get everything out there so thank you for asking

#alex rider #alex rider fanfiction #Im so sorry #I just have a lot

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taylizmasterpost · 3 years

Text

Liz After the Agency (September 2012 - September 2014)

So, Liz is spiraling. Her mental health isn’t doing great. And she was just asked to leave The Agency (presumably to take care of herself, although the public reason given was for her to start a solo career). Things are bad.

However, in the darkness, there’s always a light. And the light for Liz, in this case is her neighbor, Bryan Brown.

24 September 2012 - Liz and Bryan tweet at each other for the first time:

17 October 2012 - Taylor writes This Love:

Now, this COULD be about Liz, considering the back and forth. However, I’m more inclined to believe Taylor wrote this about Swiftgron’s first break up, right after they got back together, which you can read more about here.

The same day, Liz makes a vague tweet about jealousy:

It’s crazy weird to me that the same day Taylor is celebrating getting back together with Dianna and writing This Love, Liz is pissed off and jealous about something. Coincidence? Maybe. But I don’t think so.

22 October 2012 - Red is released. According to a later interview with the photographer who did the Red booklet (who happens to be Liz’s current roommate), Taylor based the concept of the photoshoot on some headshots they’d taken for Liz:

“Taylor is a mutual friend of ours. Stephen and his brother were friends with her years before, and I became friends with her separately. What ended up happening was one of her background singers needed headshots. When Taylor saw them a few months later, she came to me and was like, “Liz showed me the shots you took of her, and I need my album to look exactly like that.” Clearly, this was a no-brainer. I said, “OK!” Before then, I’d been kind of burned out on music photography. A lot of the shoots were super controlling. I needed a new perspective on the field itself and wanted future shoots to be very free-flowing — just the artist and a minimum crew. Luckily for Stephen and me, that’s exactly how Taylor presented the Red album shoot. So it was just the three of us shooting everything together. She wanted everybody else to remain off set, allowing for a more personal and intimate experience.”

So, I don’t know why Taylor did this. Maybe she wanted to look like a hipster for the Red album and Liz was the best she knew. Or, maybe, she wanted to scream to those who knew her well that this album was about LIZ HUETT.

In this series of Liz headshots, there’s also one specific photo of Liz wearing the Stevie Nicks moon necklace that Taylor possibly gave to her:

Is this possibly one of the reasons why Taylor wanted to mimic them for the Red album?

Later that day, Taylor goes on Good Morning America and says she wrote a new song “like two days ago” (probably talking about This Love?)

And after that, Taylor tells the LA Times that Begin Again and State of Grace are about the same person:

“There were a few track list choices I knew I was going to make way in advance,” she said. “I knew I wanted to bookend the album with ‘State of Grace’ and ‘Begin Again’ because they’re inspired by the same person who inspired a few songs on the record. I wanted to start and end the album with the first and last song I ever wrote about that relationship.”

“Then in between those songs, I wanted to paint a picture of the ups and downs I’ve experienced in life and love, not necessarily in the order it happened chronologically,” Swift continued. “I like to spread the emotions out in a way that never makes you feel like there’s a sad lull, then a burst of four songs in a row about joy. At the end of the day, I make a track list based on what my gut feeling tells me.” ‘Begin Again’ is my song version of a cliffhanger ending. Throughout the whole album, there have been songs about the trials and tribulations of love and loss, and there at the end of the record it starts all over. As soon as I wrote that song, I knew exactly where I wanted to put it.”

Now, I don’t think this means Begin Again is about Liz. I think it means that Liz is the past relationship in the song, and Dianna is the present. And Liz actually has a song called “Good About Her” that kind of mirrors Begin Again and I find that HILARIOUS and also kind of a smoking gun.

26 October 2012 -Taylor goes on Katie Couric. Katie asks if Taylor’s ex in WANEGBT got the message and Taylor says she “hasn’t heard from him since” and also mentions “some of my exes like to write really long emails.” Now, if the song is about Liz, this is a lie, because she definitely did get lunch with Liz after WANEGBT came out. However, I think it’s fair that what she’s hinting here is that things did not end well in that messy relationship.

25 October 2012 - Liz quote tweets Caitlin about crying on the treadmill to All Too Well :

8 November 2012 - Liz releases Never Know on YouTube:

youtube

The lyrics that make me think this is about Taylor are the “now and then I catch myself singing your old song.” ESPECIALLY in the context of that treadmill tweet and Liz probably having written this during her Nashville sessions over the summer. However, it could also be about Jason, who, as we know, was a struggling musician before he became a photographer.

18 November 2012 - Taylor shoots the MV for IKYWT, wears the same black and white shirt she wore around when Liz first joined the band. Liz calls the news of her leaving the Agency “bittersweet.”

And “bittersweet” is the exact same phrasing that around a week later Taylor would say the ex who most of Red is about used to describe listening to the album:

19 November 2012 - Ali Puliti tweets about listening to two Liz demos -- Blessed Are the Brokenhearted and Dammit, meaning this song, which wouldn’t be released until 2018, was likely written during those summer 2012 songwriting sessions:

When the song was eventually released by Jana Kramer in 2018, Liz posted this on Facebook:

The song also notably contains the lyric “cause I could hear you in the kitchen, playing your guitar” which REALLY REALLY makes me think of Taylor. Although it could maybe be for Jason, who was also a musician.

Here’s the story Liz told about the song:

“‘Dammit’, actually, was a story that I lived out. Like, I was with somebody I was, you know, getting very serious. We were talking about starting a life together and we even had this house, like, picked out in the city where we lived and we would drive by it and be like ‘one day when we buy that house’. And, so, when we broke up, the pain of, like, saying goodbye was really, you know, really intense, but it was also mourning the loss of the hypothetical future. So, it was like saying goodbye to the past memories and stuff, sort of what we almost had and that’s where that song came from. So, honestly, I didn’t write it for anyone else, but myself, truly. But, um, it’s beautiful that music has such a way of resonating with someone who might not even know and they connect with it so much that another artist would want to sing it. It’s such a high compliment.”

And here’s a quick clip of Liz singing it. So, seems like a Jason song, if not for the fact that she wrote it almost a year after they broke up and kept it hidden for years before eventually giving it to another artist.

13 December 2012 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz does not wish her happy birthday. This, to me, is the biggest evidence that there’s some amount of bad blood between them at this point.

14 December 2012 - The Music Video for IKYWT comes out. Taylor wears a shirt she wore a LOT when TayLiz was first a thing in 2009. She also wears a key necklace, which will be important later.

17 December 2012 - Liz posts a picture from Claire’s birthday party using a picture without Taylor in it (even though it seems fair to assume Taylor would’ve been invited).

20 December 2012 - Liz tells a fan her favorite song from Red is All Too Well:

21 December 2012 - Liz wishes Claire happy birthday. Further signaling bad blood with her and Taylor since she didn’t bother to do it for Taylor.

9 January 2013 - Liz releases Blessed Are the Brokenhearted:

youtube

Here she describes love as “burning up out of control” which is the same phrase Taylor used on Red -- “burning red” -- and Begin Again -- “I’ve been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.” Also, the idea of love as an out of control flame really does describe their relationship.

20 January 2013 - Liz releases One Hand on the Wheel:

youtube

Here, much like in Red, Liz describes a relationship using the metaphor of a car. The relationship is messy, maybe even toxic. There’s even a lyric that sounds like it could be out of treacherous: “Being wrong shouldn’t feel so right like it does / But it does.”

22 January 2013 - Liz releases Wreck of Who I Am.

youtube

This is the song that is the strongest evidence for me that Liz WAS going through some mental health stuff over the summer when she was doing all this songwriting, and that that Reddit post about running into a drunk Liz who said she was fired for being “out of control” seems somewhat accurate. Here Liz sings about her battles, the way she’s losing them, and asks her younger self what she would think if she saw her now.

I’m not going to go into too much detail on Liz and Bryan (since unlike her and Jason there’s no need to use them to say much about TayLiz) but, despite his flaws, he was the person to pick Liz up off the ground when she was feeling this way, so he should get some credit for that.

Sometime around this - Liz releases Stones. Similar upbeat nature to Blessed Are the Brokenhearted with mentions to some of the struggles of Wreck of Who I Am.

Choice Lyrics:

When you’re knocked off your throne And lying on your back Things will never be so clear Cause when you see it all like that Sooner or later it comes around Yeah we all taste that bitter truth But all the stones you’re throwing now Will be the ones they throw at you

Also with these batch of songs, we get Sun Out of the Rain:

So baby, hold on, the storm will roll away It may be pouring down, but it’s only for today A million pieces might be falling into place And when there are no words to say We’ll make the sun out of the rain

29 January 2013 - Chantelle Paige posts a picture of Liz and Taylor and talks about a “sad night turned awesome.” Once again, I think this is a throwback from that night in 2012.

2 April 2013 - Liz goes to therapy. Her and Bryan are dating at this point.

2 September 2013 - Liz tells a fan on twitter that she hasn’t been to any of the Red shows, which to me definitely backs up that fan account of Liz being bitter about being fired.

23 December 2013 - Liz wishes Taylor Happy Birthday. This seems like a peace offering to me, considering they haven’t spoken in like a year and she refused to do this the earlier year. Also worth noting that Swiftgron is on its last legs at this point.

1 March 2014 - Sara Evans releases Put My Heart Down, which was co-written by Liz and is about walking away from a toxic relationship:

youtube

Now, from what I know of Liz and Jason, this doesn’t seem like their dynamic at all. It’s too soon for it to be about her and Bryan However, it does remind me a LOT of what Taylor was writing about on Red. Her are some choice lyrics:

I never pictured us fighting this much Thought we were figured out, but it’s so messy now Your words cut so deep and I think you should leave

Put my heart down and walk away This kind of love is dangerous So pack up all your things, just leave some air to breathe A million toxic tears fallin’ like rain over here This is the final hour The end of our story tonight And I don’t wanna fight

Now, please go listen to Treacherous, Battle/Let’s Go and Story of Us and tell me this is not the same relationship.

Bonus though, this song is copyrighted for 2014, making it make even LESS SENSE for it to be written about Bryan.

17 July 2014 - Timothy James Brown releases a song called Change My Mind that was co-written by Liz. I’m out of video links, so here are some choice lyrics:

All the horses became soldiers Dark as night to drag me away A complicated kind of heartbreak When you promise somebody you’ll stay

I know you’ve been hurting I know more than most I don’t have the courage Where you’re going, I can’t follow

To me, this reads as Liz making peace with leaving the Agency. She recognizes her demons, and how they ruined her relationship with Taylor, and says “where you’re going, I can’t follow” because she’s not in a good enough place to keep touring with Taylor.

So things are looking bleak in TayLiz land. However, Liz seems to be recovering! She’s writing songs acknowledging some problems in the relationship and her own battles, and she’s also in therapy and dating Bryan. It’s time for some reconciliation. But first, let’s see what’s up in Taylor-land:

Liz References on the Red Tour

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betweengenesisfrogs · 4 years

Text

The Triumph of the Marginalia

Marginalia, n.:

1 : notes or embellishments in the margins (as in a book)

2 : nonessential items

-Troll OED

Is it just me, or is Nepeta and Equius’s arc the most slept-upon piece of brilliance in all of Homestuck?

A brilliance, might I add, that culminates in possibly the most triumphant, fulfilling emotional moment in the entire work:

https://www.homestuck.com/story/7928

*stands back and beholds its majesty while from the background comes the sound of James Roach brutally murdering ska*

No, but actually, I mean this 100% unironically, and by the end of this post, I think you’ll agree with me.

By now, I think we all understand the Act 6 double metaphor: the series of temporal loops and universes that Lord English commands is paralleled with, and in fact totally identical to, the narrative of Homestuck. Our characters’ lives exist within this context. They struggle to escape it, and are defined both by it and by the rejection of it.

Enter Nepeta.

The metaphorical meaning of Nepeta in Homestuck is irrelevance, and that’s why she’s the most relevant character in any discussion.

Nepeta was one of the characters killed off during the Murderstuck arc. Hussie argued that she was perfect for this role. In fact, I believe he said something like “Nepeta is sweet, but if you look up the dictionary definition of ‘expendable character,’ you’ll see a picture of Nepeta playing with a ball of yarn and looking very cute.” She’s an endearing combination of shipper girl and apex predator, but not one of your Vriskas or Terezis in being a driver of the plot. Hussie, it seems, created her just to round out the troll cast. He described one of his purposes in Murderstuck as being to axe some of the less necessary trolls to reduce the scope of his character list.

Except that didn’t really happen, did it?

Like a cat with nine lives, Nepeta just keeps coming back.

Equius is another addition to the troll cast who gets pushed away from the main action. He was a character-writing challenge: how do you make someone who’s gross, uncomfortable, and racist kind of likable anyway? I’d argue Hussie succeeded, in large part because of Equius’s relationship with Nepeta. By the time you finish with Hivebent, you’ll probably have a little fondness for their moraillegiance. And if that doesn’t do it, the conversation that serves as their swansong in Equius: Seek the Highblood will tear your heartstrings to shreds.

Because Equius dies, tragically clownmurdered. There was, at the time, some stink over this from Equius fans. Would he have really let himself be killed so easily? Hussie countered: yes, and it was the most in-character thing he could have done. He died doing what he loved: being asphyxiated erotically and horrifically by a superior. Truly, there could be no more fitting end to his character than that.

And yet.

No sooner did Hussie complete his self-appointed story cleanup challenge than he immediately began to undo his own work. It’s almost as if, in declaring his intention to own those who preferred more characters to narrative economy, he immediately had to own himself??

By the time we get even a little way into Act 6, we’re deep in the dreambubble landscape, meeting dead characters left and right. And who should show up there but Equius and Nepeta? Equius attempting to get it on with a bunch of Aradias, who dump him. And Nepeta, living out her romantic dreams as a representative of a timeline where she got together with Karkat. They both appear as symbols of this deadness, this irrelevance. Except that that brings them back into the story, into the spotlight – the opposite of where they’re supposed to be!

Like many bits of commentary, Hussie continues to incorporate the metaphor Nepeta=Irrelevance into Homestuck. Karkat’s remark on their journey that he would love to meet “FIFTY FUCKING NEPETAS” and embark on “NEPETAQUEST” alludes to formspring remarks to the effect that, no, Homestuck was not going to have much time for the minor characters. Except it clearly did.

Why couldn’t the narrative let the meowrails go? Was it that despite the economy of Murderstuck, something was still incomplete? After all, one of Equius’s charms was that he appeared to be growing into a less repressed, kinder person. In Seek the Highblood, we see him letting his guard down enough to roleplay with Nepeta for a change. Their love for each other: wasn’t that ultimately what could redeem Equius in our eyes? So his dying and thus failing to protect her–isn’t that something that should be addressed?

You could imagine many a Nepeta and Equius fan saying this to Hussie back in 2011.

But Hussie was already saying it to himself.

The duo come roaring back into the story in the Trickster mode arc, mid Act 6, thanks to Gamzee’s ridiculous resurrections. True, Nepeta is still reduced as part of Fefeta, the character formed from killed-off girls who never speaks onscreen. But doesn’t using that fact as a running gag kind of draw our attention to it? Doesn’t the fact that Fefeta talks to Roxy constantly offscreen inform us that once we get outside the frame of the narrative, Nepeta has a rich inner life and countless stories to tell?

And it’s here that Equius gets something he never got in his original “arc:” the chance to apologize to Nepeta. You’d be forgiven for missing it since there’s so much else going on at the time, but he does, while fused with AR. Here’s what you’d miss, though: he’s grown as a person in the afterlife. He’s come to regret that moment of weakness, where his fetish kept him from protecting his moirail. Impossible as it seems, he’s continuing his character arc.

The scene ends with Fefeta exploding (she’s also, after all, dealing with Eridan), but it leaves us with a tantalizing question:

Will Nepeta forgive Equius? Is there even a plausible time and space in that story when she could respond to his words?

Do you see what’s happening here? Instead of being erased, Nepeta and Equius are starting to slip the bounds of the story that killed them. They leap in and out of the frame, half-mythical figures. Marginalized, they write their own stories in the margins. They exist in complete defiance of the original logic of Homestuck.

Lord English is an alt-Author figure, a dark, brutal reflection of narrative control and narrative necessity. His world, in which horrible choices are necessary, in which the alpha timeline is a ticking clock leading inexorably to his manifestation, is one that beats down people not deemed important enough by his narrative. Which makes it identical to the one we’re reading. Throw all the unnecessary characters in the trash. Kill them off, if it suits my purposes. The world doesn’t need Nepeta.

Which is precisely why it does. Because isn’t defying Lord English the entire point? Isn’t it what Homestuck reveals as truly heroic?

What might Nepeta be capable of?

Let’s talk about two other victims of English’s forces of marginalization. Davesprite might be the most quintessential example. He teaches us what the alpha timeline is and how it works, by going back to fix a doomed timeline and submitting to being doomed himself. Except he merges with a bird and avoids that fate. Okay, but he clearly gets killed off fighting Jack in Jade: Enter. Except he comes back and hangs out with Jadesprite. Okay, but he dies in the planetsplode in the Retcon. Nope, he comes back from that, too. Huh. He keeps slipping the fate decreed for him by – who else? Lord English.

But it’s a struggle, clearly. He’s caught up in various cycles of guilt and shame. Over being “not the real Dave.” Over his feeling that he has to be a hero in the sense Bro demanded he be. Hussie describes Davesprite as fitting the “way of the unbroken sword:” his experiences have led him to believe in being strong and capable at the expense of all else, in contrast with the other Dave, whose belief in Bros’ toxic ideas is beginning to slip – the “way of the broken sword.” And where did Bro get his toxic ideas from? At least in part, the whispering voice of the soul of Lord English.

Now we turn to Dirk. Like Dave, Dirk has a marginalized, “less important” splinter self but it’s more of a pressing concern. AR shows Dirk’s darker side: exhibiting manipulative tendencies that human Dirk is trying to move away from. He’s also a copy removed from humanity, who feels an understandable amount of disillusionment about being removed from physical existence and his own identity. But as much as Dirk may splinter, like his dumb anime sword, he never breaks. What this means in the symbolic language of Homestuck is that Dirk lives fully, instinctually, in the way of the sword. He believe in a world of hard choices, masculine heroism, and necessity. Ultimately, this, too, is part of what makes Bro so harmful to Dave. In AR and Davesprite, we have a strange parallel: two splinter selves, both of whom are enmeshed in the logic of LE.

Except AR, unlike Davesprite…kind of is LE.

What is Lord English composed of? Well, there’s Caliborn, the most unrepentant shithead of all time. There’s Gamzee, embodiment of horrifying clownery. And then there’s AR, a version of Dirk even more removed from the person he wants to be.

And…Equius?

Allow me a moment to get really indulgent and take a big puff on my Homestuck scholar’s pipe.

The metaphorical meaning of Equius in Homestuck is: sort of growing out of being a creepy racist.

Or maybe let’s say: the opportunity to do that. We said that Equius was on the verge of being redeemed (even had been, in the eyes of many readers). What does it mean to stick him in with Lord English’s souls? It means two things:

1) Equius is a product of his society, which was shaped by Doc Scratch, aka by Lord English, both of whom are kind of him, but Scratch picks up on his traits especially. This is a recognition of that fact: the part of him that sucks is, itself, Lord English in a dizzying loop.

2) Equius’s story is a tragedy. It is the story of a kid who started to escape his society’s tendencies, but was sucked back in by the evil force behind them.

Although…maybe that’s not the whole story.

Because both Equius and AR aren’t really that bad. AR’s pretty understandable, and by no means beyond the possibility of goodness. And the combination of the two? Honestly, pretty harmless. They counter each other’s worst tendencies by devolving into a weird goofball. In fact, AR even says he wants to do something heroic: to sacrifice himself for something really important. He does, kind of, mustering a last-ditch robohorse assault on Caliborn. But at the same time, this is the substance of his tragedy. A hero whose defeat of a great evil forces him to become the substance of that evil. Which could not be a more fitting summary of how these characters function in their story.

But maybe that’s still not the whole story.

Enter Davepeta.

At first glance, the creation of Davepeta seems like Hussie’s most batshit troll move yet. I feel pretty confident in saying that even those who predicted either of these characters returning didn’t see that one coming. However, a few pages of Davepeta’s presence reveals a fundamental truth:

Davepeta is fucking amazing.

In them, Davesprite’s depressive moods are buoyed up by Nepeta’s upbeat optimism. Nepeta’s reclusive shyness is balanced by Dave’s tendency toward brash banter. Both of them gain confidence from being the new person they are. They quickly let go of ideas inherited from the world that kept them from self-knowledge and happiness. Dave, his toxic masculinity; Nepeta, her fear.

A great point I’ve seen made is how much Jasprose and Davepeta resemble fantasy selves for Rose and Dave: indulgent, technicolor manifestations of people they could be if they let go of inhibitions and limitations. But I think Davepeta is the most unambiguously positive of the two.

The metaphorical meaning of Davepeta in Homestuck?

Growth.

Not giving a fuck about what the world thinks. The world, aka Lord English. Because Lord English could never have predicted that his machinations would also spawn a confident, powerful fusion of two beings he had discarded as totally irrelevant.

They’re also a multicolored non-binary furry, so that’s even more points in the pissing off shitheads column.

They are someone Lord English never conceived of, never could have conceived of, but which lay as potential within his domain all along.

And if Lord English is a reflection of the author, of what Hussie feels one has to destroy or sacrifice, than Davepeta is an indulgence existing in defiance of all that.

And this makes Davepeta the most powerful person of all.

They are the light at the end of the tunnel. They are the person you could be, if you could get past your mental shackles and just grow. It may not be possible to ever get there as a mortal human, may only be for a godlike sprite, but striving to be like them matters, is purpose and fulfilment enough.

And they love ARquius.

Nepeta believed in Equius, believed he could grow, and was growing. So as much as ARquius traps himself in a Lord English loop of his own making – grown, perhaps, out of Dirk’s belief that there should be a loop, that importance is admirable—Davepeta pulls from him, in his last scene, his finest qualities. His love.

Equius asks forgiveness again, and this time, Nepeta’s able to give it. Davepeta easily accepts ARquius’s apology, an apology which never could have existed within the confines of a normal narrative. A reconciliation that both of them fought for by defying their narrative, by existing outside it. By being not the trolls who lived and died, but their broader, conceptual selves, who exist beyond lifetimes. Beyond the comic page. And they consummate that reconciliation with that most cherished and loving of gestures:

A hug.

And even as this is Equius and Nepeta’s reconciliation, it’s also Dirk and Dave’s. Which, I should mention, is also taking place, simultaneously and circumstantially simultaneously, just below. It’s a more difficult one, certainly, especially as filtered through the splinters of Davesprite and AR. Here forgiveness is not quite the right word. But – knowledge, and recognition, and a kind of peace. It’s Davesprite’s chance to reunite with the part of his brother he loved, while also being a person who’s grown beyond him. And it’s AR’s chance to be loved.

Oh, sure, the art is ridiculous, the pose absurd. But that’s what makes it sublime.

I mean, what did you think that Sbahj comic was really about?

A boy distancing himself from his feelings through irony, never acknowledging that the story he’s telling is about two bros who desperately want to hug each other, but don’t know how.

Here’s the hug.

I want to dip into Epilogues territory for a moment, but it’s territory which is fairly well implied by Davepeta’s statements and role in Collide. The Meat Epilogue, I think, only illuminates what was already there.

Lord English is uniquely vulnerable to Davepeta.

And why shouldn’t he be? They, like so much else in Homestuck, are a consequence of his actions spiraling far beyond his control. But it’s more than that. Davepeta is finally able to lay the unbroken sword to rest by following the “prophecy” about Dave defeating Lord English. On the one hand, that’s kind of what happened. But it’s also completely different from what English intended, antithetical to his desires and goals. Which makes the victory all the sweeter. But at the end of the day, Davepeta doesn’t fight for the reasons Davesprite did. They’re free of that, now. Instead, they fight from a place of genuine compassion. Because Davesprite, like Dave, knows the true meaning of being a hero: caring about one’s friends.

But the most important thing about Davepeta is that they know Lord English, on a level that perhaps neither he nor they recognize. Both AR and Equius are in there, and both are capable of redemption. It’s only Gamzee and Caliborn who are truly beyond it.

How does Davepeta defeat Lord English?

With a hug.

They wrap their claws around him, and carry him into the sun like a piece of garbage. It’s an aggressive hold, but it’s also effectively an embrace.

And I have to wonder: in those final moments, did they sense a connection there? Did Equius and Dirk stir somewhere within Lord English? Did they give him a moment’s pause? Resist him? Make it just the tiniest bit easier for Davepeta to do their work?

If so, then that, too, is heroism.

At the very least, it’s circumstantially simultaneous with the hug we see in Act 6, and so it carries the same message:

Redemption.

Not for the shitheads, but for those who wanted to be better.

And if this isn’t enough, there’s a third reconciliation here, too: between author and reader, or to put it in other terms, author and character.

If Lord English is a shadow of the author, what part of the author can be redeemed? Maybe not the destructive, antagonistic urges. But the part that plans and designs and philosophizes as Dirk does. That part of Hussie wanted Davepeta to be there, to strike that final blow, and made it happen.

Because, when you get right down to it, as much as Hussie pretends to be antagonistic toward his readers and the characters they enjoy, it’s the fans, the shippers, the furries, those whose hearts go out to a cute, shy cat girl that he most celebrates.

Hussie fucking loves Nepeta.

Nepeta and Equius are, sneakily, the best characters in Homestuck, because they understand its fundamental message: that to succeed in Homestuck is to defy Homestuck. They defy everything it throws at them, and somehow, improbably, come out on top.

All of this is there on that page, a whole edifice of storytelling culminating in that singular, grand, supremely indulgent expression, a feast of looping leitmotif and color and imagery and meme and sound. It’s all there, if you know where to look.

Nepeta and Equius love each other, and that’s pretty fucking great.

See? I told you.

<> Ari

#nepeta #equius #davepeta #homestuck analysis #arquius #meowrails #davesprite #hal #trying to get out ahead of hussie's commentary for a change #happy 4/13 :33 #<3 #stay tuned #feast of homestuck 2020

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awed-frog · 4 years

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Do you have any advice for someone who’s really struggling to study? I’m really stressed and demotivated, and I can’t seem to sit down and just study. In my country we only have virtual classes so maybe It has something to do with that, it’s really sad that it’s my first college year and I haven’t attended one single face to face class. Anyway, If you have any kind words I would really appreciate it. Love your blog btw <3

Hey! Thank you for this! And I’m very sorry you feel that way...just know you’re not alone, I think we’re all a bit ‘what’s the point’ rn, and for students (and teachers) this period must suck especially hard. I don’t know exactly what can work for you, but here are a few things that come to mind. I hope you can find something useful!

Have habits and routines. Our days are all over the place, which is not good for motivation or mental health. Instead of procrastinating, feeling guilty, working in a hurry and then feeling even worse, decide on a schedule that works for you. Don’t be too hard on yourself - give it as much time as you need to do the work well, and devote the rest of your day to stuff that makes you feel accomplished and serene (maybe learn or practice a non-screen skill, such as cooking or painting?).

And: at risk of sounding like a yoga mom, don’t forget about your body. Very often stuff like bad mood or exhaustion has physical, not mental, causes. Try to make time for sport - dancing in your underwear, running outside, walking the dog, online pilates, a 7-minute app - and, if you can, a few minutes of meditation, singing or breathing exercises every day. I’d recommend the ‘cardiac coherence’ stuff - lasts about 3 minutes, makes you feel really great. And: remember to stretch, smile and drink water throughout the day. If possible, go outside or have plants and flowers around you.

When it comes to habit, try to understand what kind of person you are and react accordingly. Some people work best when they change cold turkey (new day, new me), while for others it’s better to adjust things more slowly (for instance by moving the alarm clock forward five minutes every week or two). If you’re the second type, a method like Pomodoro could work well to organize your work schedule.

Have pretty things. Try switching to ink or coloured pens, have nice stationery, organize your Word documents so they’re neat and tidy, use candles, plants, ‘good mood’ incense - whatever makes you feel your work has meaning and worth.

Try background music. Some people work better with noise, and you can find all kind of noises online, from stations to coffee shops to purring cats. Others like classical music. For me, what works is video game music, which is designed to keep you alert and focused while being unobtrusive.

Try to keep your workspace as similar as possible to a ‘real’ workspace. No stack of dirty mugs and plates, no abandoned pajama bottoms. If you can manage it, start your day as if you were actually going outside - dress for actual human company, put on make-up if you like to - and remember to prepare your desk the night before: textbooks, charged laptop, notebooks, water bottle, possibly a diary or a motivational quote or anything you find useful.

If it helps, study with friends or classmates. Have video meetings, chats or shared Google docs and work together. Rant with people who’re going through the same thing, but also find a way to help one another. If you live with flatmates or family members, maybe you can find a moment to work together on your separate things? Dad does admin, mom prepares a work presentation, you do your homework and that’s ‘work time’ for everyone?

Divide your tasks. Make clear lists of what you have to do - as detailed as possible (not: shakespeare essay, but: 1. read book, 2. write essay, 2b. introduction and so on) and pay attention to when the stuff is due, either writing it down in agendas or post-its or creating alerts on your phone. Some people also like the square of doom (you know, that ‘important + urgent’, ‘important + non urgent’ thingy).

Keep track of what you’re doing if you find it helps you. There are good apps for this, or you can use a nice journal or an Excel sheet. Track whatever you want - minutes of study, words learned, tasks accomplished...a favourite of mine is ‘a time logger’, which can track your entire day. When I was in uni, it made me realize I was working a lot more than I thought, and reaching daily goals kept me motivated.

Rethink your internet consumption, especially news, TV shows and social media. Try having periods where you go off-screen whenever you need a break. Stuff like, ‘no TV before 6 pm’ or ‘no tumblr on weekdays’ can automatically make you a lot less stressed and a lot more productive.

You can also decide to modify the way you engage with these things. For instance, if your studies involve a language, you could watch only TV shows in [language], or turn on [language] subtitles, or you could switch to Buzzfeed [country]. If you like IG, pinterest or tumblr, try having a separate ‘weekday’ account which is about healthy escapism and/or accountability: landscapes and poetry instead of fandom content, or a personal blog about your day - use the right tags and connect with others who’re going through the same thing.

Imagine you’re teaching someone. I’m guessing you’re passionate about your subject, so turn your study sessions into imaginary conversations. Teaching a lesson (or making a speech) is often the best way to see what you understand, what you need to work on, and what you’re interested in learning more about.

Websites like b-ok can help you find books about your subject (or not) - possibly stuff you’re not actually compelled to read, but which sounds interesting nonetheless. Broaden your horizon, discover different stuff, and sooner or later you’ll find yourself making connections between the exciting stuff you’re basically reading for fun and the actual subject you’re studying.

And: remember why you’re studying this. What are you passionate about? Why did you fall in love with your subject? Why are you studying it? Sometimes we have to endure a few boring classes to get to the good part, and that’s okay.

And finally: visualize the future. The world will get better, and at some point you’ll be glad you’ve spent a few (or many) hard and boring hours getting your degree. What are you going to do after this? Make a ‘future’ board, write a fake Wikipedia article about yourself, give a Nobel or graduation speech, give a pep talk to your (imaginary) future children about the hardships you faced on Zoom and how you overcame them to become the mom they know and love. Whatever works, no matter how ridiculous or narcissistic or far-fetched is a good thing!

I hope this helps! Remember to remain calm and positive, and talk to yourself as if you were talking to a child or a best friend. Less You suck and the world is going to end and more Yes, you didn’t do great today, but we can always do better tomorrow, it’s okay to have an off day! Uni is hard enough under any circumstances, and right now...do your best and resist the bait of dark thoughts: we will get through this, and everything will be alright. It’s how it works.

#ask #studying #students problems #life tips #life advice #motivation #anxiety #mental help #singing about the dark times #you can do this <3

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dreamcaughtme · 3 years

Photo

I MET YOO KIHYUN: the post of my LIFE.

Hello. Yes.

I received two (2) tickets to enter the raffle for an online fansign through Japanese Tower Records, since I live here and the store is about a 40-minute train ride’s journey away from me. I almost didn’t even register the raffle tickets, y’all; I thought, there is no way. There’s no way I am going to win with TWO raffle tickets after there are people who have purchased literally thousands of albums for this fansign.

Yet I decided to enter. And this, my good dudes, is what transpired.

First of all, I ACCIDENTALLY SCREWED UP THE CALL~~I was supposed to be #6 out of 30, and they disconnected the call because I couldn’t get the mic to work (I was on the phone with the staff and literally HEARD YOO KIHYUN’S VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND--IT WAS TORTURE). So I tried not to cry as I sat there in front of my phone, hoping and praying desperately that they’d give me a second chance to answer my phone and get the mic right.

And they DID!!!! They bumped me to the very end. And this, THIS is what transpired.

First photo: Yoo Kihyun greeting me and looking excited to see me

Okay, y’all. This was his face. THIS WAS HIS FACE. Do you realize how precious it is to have someone looking at you like that SAIDOUASIDUAISODU it’s an absolute miracle I kept my cool and remained composed? Like I actually remained composed. I don’t know how it happened.

SECOND PHOTO: Yoo Kihyun smiling when I said it was good to finally meet him and then APOLOGIZING for the connectivity issues even though I was the problem.

This is how it went.

“Hello, Kihyun!”

“Hi, [my name]!”

“It’s good to finally meet you!”

“Yeah, finally! So sorry about the...little problem!”

“It’s okay! It’s my fault!”

“No, no. It’s not your fault.”

THIRD PHOTO: Ya girl personally invites Yoo Kihyun to come to Tokyo LOL who am i

He asked me where I was (definitely think he was surprised to hear that I live in Tokyo). He said he wants to come to Tokyo. I personally invited him to Tokyo. Yes. I did that. Hahah. As if there’s not a whole virus ravaging the world right now, preventing him from going on tour. That’s probably the closest I got to being flustered xD He said he couldn’t come Tokyo yet but that he wants to, and I told him I understood. Oh, gosh. I’m so glad I somehow didn’t notice how precious his smile was until AFTER the video call bc lemme tell you, if I’d have focused on his smile right here, y’all, I’d have lost it.

FOURTH PHOTO: Ya girl asks Yoo Kihyun for permission to tell him something (like it’s not his actual job in this moment to be my captive audience)

Me: there’s something I want to tell you.

Me: is it okay to tell you?

Kihyun: mmmm (like, the affirmative “mmm”).

Me: thank you very much

(also, as the very supportive @uwunnie pointed out in her reaction video to this video call, I want to mention that he struggled to keep a smile in check as I began speaking.)

FIFTH PHOTO: this actually isn’t the fifth photo, I just really wanted you to see his face being particularly wonderful and attentive again

ACTUAL FIFTH PHOTO: Ya girl tells Yoo Kihyun what I’ve wanted to say...for years.

Here’s the serious part.

Tw for eating disorders, body image

I explained to Kihyun, in simple terms because I didn’t want to say anything that the monitors would consider “inappropriate,” that there was a time in my life two years ago when I didn’t feel beautiful or confident. I explained that I stopped eating and became very sick. During that time, Kihyun and the other members of Monsta X made me smile and helped me with their kindness. I explained then....

SIXTH PHOTO: Kihyun’s reaction to my story

I explained then that I am now SO healthy and SO happy and living my dream...to which this precious human literally clasped his hands together and did a small bow at me. I then thanked him for his kindness in Korean (y’all don’t even know...I had a friend send me the translation and then practiced the pronunciation with her for ages) and bowed to him.

Listen to me. I know it probably sounds ridiculous that I bowed to him. But there were two things I had in mind. One, he knew I lived in Tokyo. Two, I’m pretty sure he heard me speaking Japanese with the staff during the connecting portion of the call because I heard him say something to staff in the background. And because my bow looked natural--because it’s something I do multiple times DAILY while living here--I do genuinely believe it conveyed gratitude rather than just looking awkward and koreaboo-y.

SEVENTH PHOTO: Yoo Kihyun is speechless, which could perhaps be a product of the fact that I threw a bunch of English/a butchered Korean thank-you at him after a bunch of phone calls with Japanese Monbebe, but he kept saying “wow,” which was incredibly gratifying because I was not sure how he would respond to my story and hoped that it would not be personal to an uncomfortable degree

EIGHTH PHOTO: Yoo Kihyun tells me that stories like mine is the reason why he does “this job”

Amidst a lot of “wow,” Kihyun told me exactly that.

“Wow. That was...wow. That's the reason I do this job, and you are...wow. Thank you so much. You just said we changed your life, right?”

(to which I responded, yes, even though that wasn’t EXACTLY what I said--but it was the message I conveyed, and I’m so thankful he parsed that out of my thank-you monologue)

NINTH PHOTO: i’m not kidding, y’all, he really looks at his fans like we personally hung the stars in the sky and brought to life all the good things on this earth

He clasped his hands together and told me how happy it made him to hear my story. “Wow. For sure. Yeah. Wow.” Basically, he said “wow” about 20 times.

TENTH PHOTO: Yoo Kihyun promises that he will stay healthy and happy

(so you’d better do just that, sir)

ELEVENTH PHOTO: Yoo Kihyun thanks me again and tells ME to stay healthy

...which I’m going to remember whenever I feel tempted to skip a meal or push my body too far with exercise.

TWELFTH PHOTO: confirmed: Kihyun loves me

He said so as he blew a kiss to me. So, y’know. I said it back, even though I hadn’t originally wanted to because I don’t use those words when it comes to kpop stars because???? i don’t know them????? i only know the part of themselves that they present to the public??? except i do say i love wonho but that’s because he’s wonho and you just...don’t NOT say you love wonho

But not saying “I love you” felt incomplete, because isn’t that what I was saying the whole time I was explaining to him how he changed my life?

~*~*~*~*~*~

Long story short, it’s insane and amazing and insanely amazing that I had this opportunity to thank Yoo Kihyun for the tremendously positive impact he’s had in my life, especially because I know how rare it is for people who don’t have the means to buy hundreds of albums to get into fansigns like these. In a vicious industry where it would be the easiest thing in the world to decide to detach emotionally from the public,

where you can play the “standoffish” card and make it look cool,

where you’re not required to communicate with fans so often, literally counseling them + learning their language so you can send them sweet messages + being part of a group that makes sure that awards are always credited to their fans and not just the group themselves,

Yoo Kihyun chooses to be kind, and gosh, the guy definitely has edge and sharpness and won’t take crap from anyone, but the heart he chooses to share with us motivates me all over again to be open and enthusiastic and forgiving.

And y’all. He thanked me. HE thanked ME. He didn’t have to. But it’s something I’ll cherish til the day I die.

Which is probably coming sooner than later because...holy crap...I TALKED TO YOO KIHYUN ASIDOUASOIDUAISOUDOIASUDOIASUDOIAUSDU

#kihyun

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jamaisvuandyou · 4 years

Text

Please Dry My Eyes: Part 2

Description: Jin, Hoseok, and Yoongi have had a running streak of bad luck, but Jin isn’t sure what to make of this one: His old friend’s trickery that leads to him being the new father of a little toddler, Jeon Jungkook.

Posted: 05/28/2020

WARNING: Brief mentions of suicide.

Angst: 2,068 words

A/N: Sorry it’s so late, someone on Ao3 demanded I update soon and so my brain rebelled against me. And I’ve had a busy week.

Previous Part. Next Part.

Jin still felt like he could use a drink, or eight.

Hoseok gingerly tested the couch. “He left a note, right?”

“Yeah. He said the pressure was too much. Said that everything would be better off, everyone would be better off. Said there were some videos for his son on the flash drive in his desk. Apologized to him and me. Basically told Jungkook's mother’s parents to F-off because he wasn’t going to let them abuse Jungkook the way they did his mother.”

“Wow. That’s it? That’s all he wrote?”

“There were more expletives and a long winded argument as to why they shouldn’t fight the arrangements he’s made. He was a lawyer. Had to make sure his work wasn’t fought.” Jin rubbed his forehead, panic welling up in him. He was a parent now and he wasn’t even the one who had gotten the girl pregnant.

“There. That was the last box. We’re all moved in. It’s kind of sad that we can pack and unpack our belongings in less than a day.” Hobi had arranged the few house decorations that they had on the coffee table and side tables.

After rushing to the scene with Yoongi last night, and giving statements to the police until the wee hours of morning, they’d gone home, slept for half an hour before Yoongi had to rush to work, then Jin and Yoongi spend a few hours packing up and the last hour unpacking in the new place. Thankfully, Hobi’s friend from the dance studio had a car and had been more than happy to help transfer their things. But most of their furniture they just took to the dumpster.

They hadn’t given Hoseok the full details, partially because it was horrific and Jin just couldn’t deal with it yet and partially because they were both so exhausted that Hoseok just let them leave it at that until about fifteen minutes ago when Jin finally started explaining everything. Hoseok had only mildly inquired about what was going on, and Jin figured he needed to at least know the important bits.

“Your shoes working for you?”

Hoseok looked up at him warmly. “Yeah. Thanks, Hyung. I know you were buying them before all of this happened. It means a lot. Really.”

Jin just patted his arm. “You needed them.”

“We also needed food and coffee, but you got me the shoes.” Hobi hugged him, not satisfied.

Jin just smiled and laughed a little.

That made Hoseok smile up at him. “There. Better. You looked like you were ready to jump off a building in panic.”

Jin winced, the image of blood popping up in his mind.

“Oh…” Hobi squeezed tighter. “Sorry. I didn’t know.”

Jin just nodded, sighing shakily. “If I had paid attention…”

“Hyung, he was determined. He would have ended up somewhere they could monitor him and he could convince them that he was fine and then what? There’s nothing you could have done.”

“I enabled him.”

“Jungkook will be better off with you, Hyung. I know he will.”

Jin leaned against his younger for a moment, uncertain of everything that was ahead of him.

The doorbell rang.

They looked at each other and then Jin got up and answered it. “Hello.”

“I’m Namjoon, Jungkook’s caseworker. And this—“ he looked at the toddler in his arms. “Is Jungkook.”

Jin smiled. “Hi, Jungkook.”

“Jinnie,” he murmured, looking quizzical.

Jin blinked in surprise. “Yeah, I’m Jinnie.”

Jungkook smiled and shyly reached out for him.

Jin smiled again as he took the toddler into his arms. “Hey, buddy. You know who I am?”

“Jinnie,” he mumbled again, tucking his face into Jin’s shoulder and clutching his shirt tightly.

“From what I understand, his dad has been showing him pictures of you. Saying you’re his uncle.” Namjoon looked stressed. “How long ago did you actually find out? Because he filed everything a week ago, but he was pretty insistent about not bothering you until everything was certain.”

Jin debated silently on how to answer.

“It won’t change anything. The paperwork is solid and your background check came up clean. There was your recent job, but he informed me of it yesterday and said that you weren’t actually at fault. Jungkook is yours. Completely. Provided you don’t become an unfit guardian.”

Jin sighed. “He asked me yesterday. He sent me fake contracts so I could read through them and had me sign the ones he actually wanted me to sign. I trusted him. When we realized…” he swallowed hard. “It was too late. His lawyer said we were clear to move in here since everything was official and submitted before he died.”

Namjoon just nodded. “Here’s my phone number. For now you need to call me whenever he needs to see the doctor. You don’t need to call for his appointment this Friday. It was scheduled before. More like, if he gets sick or hurt, just so that I can make sure that he’s being properly taken care of and keep on top of paperwork.”

Jin took his card, and stepped aside so Namjoon could set Jungkook’s diaper bag down.

“The rest of his stuff is in my trunk.”

“I’ll help you,” Hoseok said. “I’m Jin’s roommate, Hoseok. Or, I guess I’m his tenant now.”

Jin rolled his eyes. “Roommate. I’m already freaking out, don’t threaten me with the stress of having you pay me rent.”

Namjoon chuckled sympathetically.

Jin watched the cute toddler peek out at him sleepily, before rubbing his face back into Jin’s shoulder. Jin gently rubbed Jungkook’s back, noticing how much Jungkook relaxed with it.

Hoseok and Namjoon brought in two suitcases.

Namjoon slid one open partially and pulled out a stuffed animal. “This is his Nunny and Jungkook can’t sleep without it.”

Jin took the bunny when Jungkook looked around at the name of his toy, tucking it in between Jungkook and himself. He smiled when he saw Jungkook smile a very little before his eyes slipped shut and he was out like a light.

Jin closed his eyes, rubbing the boys back and savoring the warmth he radiated.

Namjoon looked through something on his phone, then went into the diaper bag and pulled out a picture frame containing a photo of Jungkook’s parents in it. “I’m sure there are more photos somewhere, but I thought it was important he have at least one of both of them together.

Jin nodded. “Thanks.”

Hoseok took it, setting it on a shelf that they had no chance of filling considering they’d unpacked just about everything they owned.

“Alright, if you have any questions or problems, just give me a call. I’ve been working with Jungkook for a while and he can be a little particular.” He checked on the boy in Jin’s arms one last time, then looked at Jin. “Really though, I can tell you’ll be good for him. He hasn’t fallen asleep that easily since I don’t know when. He does walk a bit, but his speech is a little behind as well as some of his fine motor skills. He still struggles to feed himself, but he’s getting better.”

“Alright, I’ll work with him on that.”

“Okay then, I’m off. Good luck.” Namjoon seemed a little hesitant to leave, but stroked Jungkook’s head one last time before heading out the door.

Hoseok shut the door, having followed Namjoon out for a moment. “So, you’re a dad now.”

Jin shivered. “He’s so small, Hoseok.”

Hoseok nodded, coming close and stroking the boy’s hair. “Namjoon is right. You’ll be good for him. I’m going to take his suitcases to his room. You want me to unpack?”

“No, I want to do it so I can find everything easily when you’re at work tomorrow.”

“Good point. Just sit down. Cuddle your kid.” He chuckled. “Oh God, hyung. Your kid.”

“My kid. My Jungkook. That’s a mouthful.”

“JK?”

“Mmm, I was thinking Kookie,” Jin countered, sitting down on the couch (it’s been forever since they had a couch and he was so excited) and relaxing so he could hold Jungkook properly. The toddler was sound asleep, one of the bunny ears gripped tightly in one of his hands and Jin’s shirt in the other. “I’m sure we’ll probably use both as he grows.”

Hoseok sighed. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep.”

“I know. I’ve gotten used to your elbow in my side, and Yoongi stealing the covers. We can ease out of it, I think.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” He headed toward the door and opened it just as Yoongi was getting ready to knock. “It was unlocked.”

“Oh. Whoa,” He looked around with surprise. He took off his shoes before taking a few tentative steps in. He looked at a loss for words, finally settling with, “Our stuff must look so out of place here.”

“Mostly things just look empty,” Hoseok answered. “Glad there was a bed though, because ours literally fell apart while we were transporting it out of the apartment and a spring came through our mattress. So, hope you’re okay with the mattress that was here. We also decided to just throw out most of the other furniture. Kept the dining room table. Oh, and hyung being a dad is already weird.”

Yoongi nodded, then saw Jin and the curled up toddler. “He’s even smaller than I imagined. What’s his name again?”

“Jungkook.”

“Right. Um, do you want me to make lunch?”

“That’d be great, Yoongi,” Jin replied, smiling. There was something really soothing about holding Jungkook so close as he slept. Feeling his even breaths and the beating of his heart. The quiet little sounds he made now and then.

“You look ready for a nap,” Hoseok chuckled softly.

“I feel ready for one. But I’m getting hungry and this one will be hungry sooner or later. Something simple. Maybe a grilled cheese?” He needed a nap, honestly. He’d been going since yesterday and his nap this morning wasn’t exactly enough to satisfy his need for sleep.

“Can do.” Yoongi got a good look at Jungkook and smiled. “He’s cute.” Then he headed into the kitchen to make lunch.

Jin smiled down at the kiddo, then kissed the ultra-soft baby hair. He was adorable, and so very soft and squishy.

Jungkook stirred, blinking up at Jin and then pulling his Nunny closer and peeking out at the world. “Jinnie.”

Jin pressed a kiss to the boy’s chubby cheek. “Are you hungry, Jungkookie?”

He nodded cutely, lips puckering cutely as he curiously watched Yoongi and Hoseok move around the kitchen.

“You want to go see what Yoongi and Hoseok are making?” Jin asked, getting up. If he didn’t move he was going to fall asleep, and that would throw him off for the rest of the evening.

Jungkook nodded again, hand turning into a fist around Jin’s shirt.

Jin chuckled and carried him to a kitchen. “Hobi, Yoongi, look who’s awake.”

Hoseok turned and smiled. “Ah! Hi, Jungkookie!”

Jungkook gasped and buried his face in Jin’s shoulder and neck, bringing up his bunny to hid behind as well.

Jin gave him a little squeeze. “It’s okay, Jungkook. Hobi is just happy to see you.”

“I wanted to play with you later, if that’s okay,” Hoseok said softly. “We can go play outside.”

Jungkook shook his head, not even peeking out.

Jin exchanged worried looks with the other two. “Okay, well, we can play with your Nunny later if you want.”

Jungkook just whined a bit and wiggled in Jin’s grip. He wiggled until Jin set him down, still clinging to Jin’s sleeve, but standing and looking around poutily. He looked up at Jin, lip wobbling and arms going up.

Jin sighed, but smiled as he picked up the toddler. “You’re just not sure about any of this, are you, kiddo?” He pressed a little kiss to Jungkook’s forehead.

“Jinnie,” He mumbled, clutching the collar of Jin’s shirt. “Nunny?”

“It’s on the floor. We’re going to have dinner. Some yummy grilled cheese and some applesauce.”

Hoseok picked it up and handed it to him so he wouldn’t have to try and pick it up.

“Ju?”

Jin thought for a moment. “Ju-ice?”

“Ju,” Jungkook nodded.

“Okay, I think I have some orange juice, how does that sound?”

He looked up at Jin, blinking, wet eyes looking completely lost.

“Well, we’ll just try it. You want to sit next to me, Jungkookie?” He offered, heading to the high-chair that had been in the closet but now sat beside the table.

Jungkook just mumbled Jin’s name again, but didn’t protest when Jin put him in the highchair. He just sort of looked at the table of the high chair and watched Jin as he got the sippy cup of juice, the container of applesauce, and the plate with the grilled cheese sandwich.

Jin sat down beside Jungkook, setting the cup and applesauce down.

“Can he feed himself?” Yoongi asked.

“We’re about to find out,” Jin answered, putting the spoon into the applesauce.

Jungkook grabbed the spoon, but was playing with it more than eating.

Jin hummed to himself, gently taking the spoon from Jungkook and feeding him a bit of applesauce.

Jungkook readily opened his mouth to take it.

“Yeah, don’t think he knows how to feed himself yet. Are you sure you can feed him the grilled cheese sandwich?” Hoseok asked, taking a seat with his own sandwich.

“Could you cut it up into small bites while I feed him the applesauce?”

He nodded, sitting and taking a knife to the sandwich.

“What should we do for dinner, hyung?” Yoongi asked, checking the cupboards.

“Rice, and whatever else we can think of. I don’t know, I don’t think I was as ready as I thought.” Jin shook his head and helped Jungkook eat another spoonful of applesauce.

“Jinnie,” Jungkook continued to babble Jin’s name between bites, seeming at least a little happy. But Jin still wanted to see the boy smile.

“You’ll figure it out, hyung. We all will,” Hoseok said optimistically, hugging Jin’s shoulders and head from behind.

Jin’s eyes widened as Jungkook burst into tears and made grabby hands at Jin without any sort of explanation. Just a continued wail of “Jinnie!”

Yoongi covered his ears while Jin tried to calm the child. “Sooner rather than later, hopefully.”

–

Previous. Next.

Masterlist.

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benlaksana · 4 years

Text

Coming Home

If there is one constant emotional response that my mind and body has conjured since coming back to Indonesia, it is anger. The reasons are plentiful. Chronic social and economic injustice, growing government oppression, sheer incompetency of many government officials, religious conservatism, as the proverbial saying goes, the list goes on.

And now with the coronavirus devastatingly consuming Indonesia and my government’s response has not only been weak and slow, lacking in coordination, but also simply at many times blatantly incompetent, anti-science and anti-expertise, resulting in the deaths of many including doctors and nurses, and with no full lockdowns initiated, no mass testing, just some half-baked government encouragement to physical distancing and good hygiene. I’ve observed that this time not only am I consumed with fervent anger but at many times deep sadness and crippling fear. An unholy trinity. In the name of anger, sadness and lingering fear.

Here’s some trivia and personal info for you folks. Did you know that Tuberculosis (TB) usually leaves scars on lungs it once infected and even though it’s been decades since my bout with TB, my lungs today, as you might expect, are not in tip-top shape. So that’s my pre-existing condition that at times, at many times, throws me into a panic and into a sudden cleaning spree. Wipe here, wipe there, disinfect door knobs, drowning recently handled money in warm soapy water. Irrational fear? On the contrary my beautiful friends. Indonesia has one of the highest Covid death rates in the world and with Covid patients on the rise but not at its peak, our already sparse healthcare system is already showing its cracks. Again, just to remind you, Indonesia is not even near the peak and we’re not even doing massive tests but everything is already hanging on a thread. Adding to this misery, the lack of some kind of social safety net has this climate of dread creeping up on me, this I acknowledge and I am trying as much as I can in keeping this at bay. Dread induced paralysis is not something I can to endure at the moment.

That’s some personal (slightly existential) rant right there.

But I understand that I’m lucky and painfully privileged to be able to work from home unlike so many others. So since at this moment my productivity rate is reaching zero and I’m basically pushing away work and other responsibilities as much as I can (which will probably come back and haunt me soon), let me just first reflect on life at the moment, updates on other things aside from this feeling of impending doom.

I’ve realized that I do not update this blog of mine as often as I would like to. Desires are kept as desires, and slowly wither away as desires. Yet as 2020 dawned on me and ages with uncertainty I spent my time re-reading old books that I have read many years ago and some of my old blog posts as well. Beginning with my first blog post which is now the ripe old age of 10 years old. One decade old. With the breakneck speed of change of today’s internet, 10 years is perhaps close to immortality in internet years. That being said, I still use Hotmail for my main email which I’ve had since 1998, the year I was introduced to the internet...and politics.

It was 13th of May 1998. I was at home with my dad as schools and offices were closed. The day before that soldiers opened fire at a student demonstration in front the University of Trisakti, Jakarta. Four students were killed, riots and demonstrations were happening everywhere the following day. So most people decided to stay home.

I remember my dad narrating the 1998 May protests as we attentively watched the event unravel through our old school CRT TV. My dad was thankfully percipient enough to refuse to go to his office during that week, but he did have friends in high places so it wasn’t much of a surprise if he received some kind of insiders info. I was about 12 years young at that time, on the cusp of teen hood. Puberty was on my mind, but that moment of watching a historical event unfold (which of course I did not understand it as something momentous) with my dad explaining with excitement of what was going on, even though I sure as hell did not understand the most of it, was illuminating. A father and son bonding session as result of reformasi. That sounded like a thesis topic: Family Relations and Social Change: Exploring Familial Relations through the 1998 Reformasi. (Hah!)

It did however shape my values and ideas that I still hold on to this day not only on politics per se but what I wanted or expected from this thing called the nation-state. I have to say that the May 1998 riots and demonstrations, the visualization of the riots on TV and my dad narrating in the background constantly interrupting the reporter, was the reason why I remember that day so clear. It made an indelible mark on me. I can’t even begin to imagine the impact to those who were physically effected by the riots, houses and stores burned down, people being raped and/or murdered..

About a week after the riots, on the 21st of May 1998 President Soeharto resigned after 32 years in power. I saw my dad cheering, again not fully grasping the reasons why, although he did try his best to explain. But it piqued my interest in politics, and being told that this this new thing (really new for me at that time) called the internet had much to offer about what was happening then, a few weeks after that, using my mom’s 36.6 kbps dial-up modem that I was awfully proud of, I registered for a shiny new Hotmail account. In hopes of joining mailing lists.

Wasantara-net, owned by Indonesia’s postal service, was my family’s choice for the internet service provider. I hated them as they were first-class in unreliability, but they were the only providers to be able to connect my house, on the edge of bogor, to the world wide web. My first few emails, if again I remember correctly, were chain mails about the May riots that I subscribed through questionable mIRC chats. Chats that start with A/S/L, age, sex, location, and either ends in hook ups, or being involved in something you’re too young or ignorant to fully understand.

Being young(er) and wanting to be part of something important is such a motivating factor in us actually doing and becoming something. With Carl Gustav Jung in mind, being young or old, we are but “modern man in search of meaning” and being part of something greater than ourselves does still give me meaning.

Fast forward a few decades, I’ve noticed that you get a raised eyebrow when you tell people that you’ve been using the same email for more than 20 years now, and you get double raised eyebrows and an instance of wincing, once they find out that said email is a Hotmail account. I am coming up with less and less excuses of why I haven’t migrated fully to other emails. But hey, you know what they say, habit brings comfort, repetition brings comfort, knowledge that arises from experience, from personal history, brings comfort. Although not always, the past brings comfort, while the future which is riddled with unpredictability is lamented and brings worry if not angst. Comfort though, I have come to understand, brings laziness and at many times dullness.

It is however always interesting looking at one’s own past and how it is intertwined with the past of others. I think I’ve written about this a number of times, and most of my writings are born from the act of retrospect. I often assume that I would not be able to talk about my future if I never look at my past, but what also happens is that I also end up talking more about my past or at the very most my present rather than talking/thinking about my future. Is that bad? Is that good? Am I shying away from discussions about my particular future? Maybe, I don’t have an answer to that now. But I know it’s there, tucked away in the back of my mind so I’ll probably talk more about that someday. And with Covid-19 destroying all of my plans in the near future that someday will probably come sooner.

Coming home to Indonesia, after a number of years abroad, I have also come to realize, sadly, that many of my social activities here in this space which I reluctantly call home, are more often than not, performative acts that I do not like performing for. I am basically faking it and I am doing this by fulfilling a cultural and social role that I necessarily do not have strong feelings for, or even just feelings for, but I have adapted myself into it. Somewhat. The reason why I do this is simply out of respect of others. Things that do not give meaning for me, has often been deeply meaningful for others and expressing it verbally does not bode well for maintaining relationships. I am happy to say that I have Rara to remind me when I have become too logical (I am happy to say that I have Rara to remind about many things in life) in understanding the meaning of culture for many. But it is, simply put, not without its personal struggles.

Being a son, being a son-in-law, being a younger and the youngest child in a family oriented, confuscianist-style, hierarchical, the-individual-is-constantly-attached-to-the-social kind of society. And then being a husband in a patriarchal society, where I am expected to fill a kind of leadership role that tires, bores and disinterests me.

(On a side note: for some reason, I have often come across this odd discussion of alpha/beta male/female amongst my peers here. Which I find interesting as it denotes a fixation to hierarchy and also the assumption of fixed temperaments/personalities of an individual across space and time. Are they basically saying that agency of one’s self perceived to be rarely possible? Is change and adapting to a situation impossible? )

Then without doubt as a citizen of a nation that I superficially identify with. How can I ever identify with a nation that happily and openly oppresses others for the sake of unity? And not only rarely admits it but even more rare tries to amend it. It is a simple rhetorical question.

In sum, I have to be honest with myself here, coming back home to Indonesia is not home for me and I don’t think it will ever be one. It is more of a burden than something that brings joy.

The food is great here and I have my family here which is also nice but life of course is much, much more than just culinary preferences or familial ties. I am losing my sense of self here, and it is destructive for me. I am losing myself.

Fully realizing this I was looking for a sense of direction when I reread some of my old already read books that once inspired and also my old blog posts these past few weeks. At the crux of it, this blog has always been for me. It is shared publicly in hopes of others sharing what they have learned through life and what I have done wrong in my life. And I have done many wrongs that have not been righted, some no longer even have the possibility of being righted.

Rereading my blog, I realize much like others, that our attempts in finding meaning, and our meanings when they are found are frail and delicate. It is constantly assailed and it is easily lost, and at times harder to find when lost. Life it seems always tries its best to rob you of meaning. Not because it is intent in doing so, but because the very nature of life is in its impermanence. Everything is impermanent including meaning itself.

Intellectually and experientially I understand this. But again like many, I’ve still tried to find meaning in others, and much like many I’ve lost these people in which I have found meaning in. This is the constant dillema as naturally social creatures.

It is perhaps in our nature to be contradictory, or to live in denial, to assume that meaning and the people or objects that give meaning is eternal.

Some of these people that I have acquired meaning from I have forever lost through death, much like so many people out there. I have also lost some rather unintentionally, such as due to spoken words that are not carefully thought out. Some by design, on purpose, with deep intent and thoroughly planned with precision execution, slowly letting go. At other times, a harsh break, a rude awakening on both ends, yet ending in a sigh of relief. As some relationships, although lush with wonderful memories, are never meant to last and can never be let to live in the future. Memories that remain as memories, stories of the past, that do not become worries of the present nor burdens of the future. Our understanding of meaning is often forced to change and to morph and at many times, to end. People and things that once provided meaning no longer do, as people and the things around us change. People including me.

I’ve changed, I know I’ve changed, I’m quieter yet more angry of the world, hopefully a bit more thoughtful of my words and actions. But one thing that hasn’t changed is how I am not done with grief, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be done with it. I’m not even sure if it’s actually grief. Because we all know that the tragedy of growing old, is the tragedy of unwillingly filling your life with regrets and maybe my grief is but a thin veil for my regrets.

One of my plants in my garden died today. A lush rosella bush that I was hoping to make some tea out of its beautiful red flowers. The days are drawing long, and hope is few and far in between.

Be well everyone.

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sandalaris · 4 years

Text

WIP Title Game

Tagged by @youbecool @alwaysupatnight and @fortysevenswrites Thank you all so much! I

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

Some are repeats because of how I do my writing, but here we go! (under a cut because there’s a lot of them)

1A - the document I use to edit the latest chapter of multi-fics I am working on, currently A Lesson in Navigation’s next chapter

A Lesson in Navigation - holds all future chapters/scenes/snippets/notes for my WIP

A SethKate Community - fusion fic! the FDtD characters are now a study group at a community college… also has some scenes for the reverse

ALiN Alternate Scene - deleted scenes for A Lesson in Navigation

ALiN Pieces to reignite - I got writers block a while back and so just started randomly writing whatever came to mind for SethKate

ALiN Seth’s POV - what is says on the title

All The Little Pieces notes - because that sucker got complicated and I kept forgetting where people were at

Andy x Lauren - an in-pieces drabble/fic for the show Gifted exploring Andy and Lauren’s mental connection and what all it means. Kinda shippy

Baby, We’re a Cliche part 2 - sequel to a Sterek AU fic

Biscuit Teacher - from the kdrama Biscuit Teacher and Star Candy. I really wanted Bo Ri to find out that Hyun Woo lied about Tae In wanting her there and then have them break up sooner, probably won’t ever be finished but I’m glad I wrote it

Chapter something - I’m shortening this list because I technically have Chapter 26, Chapter 27 and Chapter 29 and this vaugly named Chapter something all as separate document for All the Little Pieces (the main document was getting too long)

Document1 - creatively named. SethKate, inspired by the tumblr post about someone’s grandparents meeting with their grandpa tried to rob their grandma

Document2 - a rough scene from a Community fic

Document3 - has two scenes from two different FDtD fics that I need to put back where they go

DW - a Doctor Who AU where nothing is alien and everything is fae

FDtD Fire Us - post-apocalypse SethKate fic based strongly on the Fire-Us series (or rather the set up for that world and the disease that killed almost everyone). Seth and Richie find a set of siblings squatting in one of their safe houses… except they shouldn’t exist.

FDtD Seth Kate Richie - probably Gen fic where Seth and Richie are Kate’s imaginary friends… until they aren’t

FDtD Touching With Intention - a post-series Kate-centric fic about her taking her healing into her own hands, background SethKate

FDtD - a shit ton of random snippets and fic ideas that are all firmly on the backburner until I either get the overwhelming urge to finish them, delete them, or post them as chapters in my never to be finished fic (mostly SethKate). Including scenes from: Zombie AU, dark Amaru/Brasa (+Kate) fic on those six months between season 2 and 3, cursed!Kate is stuck in an alternate reality dreamstate and the Gecko brothers have to go in to get her out, and superpowered S1 AU (featuring precog!Richie, Scott can “do the math,” Kate can make people tell the truth, Freddie’s not sayin what he can do… yet, and Seth the badass normal one)

Good Bad Kinda Fairytale - FDtD inspired by the Kinda Fairytale series where people are born either Good or Bad. SethKate featuring oblivious!Kate and pissed off!Seth.

Leverage!Life With Derek - Derek/Casey fic where the McDonalds and the Venturis are each a crime family that decide to start helping people with their skills

Lydia and Peter - an exploration of the connection between Peter and Lydia from Teen Wolf

MacGyver weirdness - what it says on the title, :P

Mr. and Mrs. Smith AU - actually just lightly inspired by the movie. SethKate. After a year of marriage, Seth, a semi-retired master theif who never told his wife how he got the money, begins to suspect that Kate is also some kind of wanted criminal… she’s not, but he’s not the only one to make that mistake and now people are shooting at them.

Murdered by Pirates is Good - a Richie/Kisa Princess Bride inspired fic where Kisa is telling Scott and Kate her story

Murdered by Pirates is Good 2- the SethKate sequel or possible alongside fic

(another set of multidocuments that are technically all the same) Nano 2, Nano Edit Numero Uno, Nano - all various edited stages of the Community/FDtD crossover where Jeff is Seth’s lawyer

Random Rumbelle - what it says in the title, lol.

Rene x Trevor - probably another fic I won’t finish, but Rene’s reaction to finding out that “Trevor” is actually a traveler in her boyfriend’s dead body

SethKate - my attempt to write smut for the first time, post-season one with kinda-a-werewolf-but-not-really!Seth

Shin x ET - The Lonley God kdrama fic where Shin struggles with not kissing his newly found bride

Spark Stiles - a semi-dark Sterek fic where Stiles climbs his way out of hell to get revenge for Scott’s murder

Sterek - two Stiles/Derek fic ideas that are on the backburner for now

Sterek SS inspired Part Two- the sequel to Intervening Process (We’ve Got This)

Stolen Kisses of an Ill-Begotten Age - Jeff/Annie post-Debate fic where Jeff gets to finally talk to someone about how Annie knocked him on his ass with one kiss

The Salt of Man - Life with Derek, Derek/Casey post-apocalypitic fic

Tumblr - the SethKate sequel to the drabble of Kate finding a drunk and high Seth and running her fingers through his hair…. that’s actually pretty much done, I should post it

Untitled tumblr drabble - a Richie/Dakota kissing prompt from @alwaysupatnight

Untitled tumblr drabble 2 - a SethKate kissing prompt from @yossariandawn

Waiting - a Criminal Minds fic involving none of the main characters, lol

What the Hell - a Big Bang Theory AU where Penny ends up Sheldon’s roommate and Leonard moves across the hall

wtf - a collection of The Umbrella Academy scenes involving Five dealing with second puberty, Diego and Vanya bonding during their teen years, and a slight AU where when they jump back to 2019 with ghost!Ben something to goes wrong, or right, and now Ben’s alive!…. and in his fourteen year old body

#fic lists #asked and answered #that's a long list #sterek #sethkate #richie x kisa #jeff x annie #tua

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doctorocsid · 4 years

Text

THE MAKING OF PHOENIX WRIGHT’S SECOND DAY OFF

Or: The Immense Struggle of Trying to Make Decent Content

A good year and a half. That’s how much time passed between me starting Phoenix Wright’s Second Day Off and me uploading it to YouTube. What a hell of a load off my back that was. If you couldn’t tell, making this video was a bit of an undertaking, to say the least. And by “undertaking” I mean “an exercise in pure agony”. So, I figured I’d do a bit of a writeup here so I can get across to you the absolute hell of an experience making this video was.

PART 1: THE INITIAL PLANNING STAGES

The original “Phoenix Wright’s Day Off” was released in February 2018 to, though not a lot of views, a generally very positive response. Despite its janky animation, people seemed to enjoy it for its complete ridiculousness, comedic timing, and overly-choreographed fighting. Not to mention literally being the only Ace Attorney-themed Garry’s Mod video ever made that actually uses the Ace Attorney characters. (I’m still the only person to ever do that as of the time of writing. Woohoo.)

Given the positive reception and the fact that I literally ended the video with a “To Be Continued”, I was ready as I could ever be to start work on a sequel. The first one only took me a couple weeks to make, so surely a sequel wouldn’t take much longer, right?

Oh, how wrong I was. Still, I started planning out exactly how things would go. Throwing around ideas in my head. I needed it to be bigger and better than the original, of course. How was I gonna do that? Well, my initial plan was, uh, misguided, to say the least. What I wanted to do at first was create the sequel entirely in Source Filmmaker, along with giving it a darker, more serious tone to contrast the ridiculous slapstick of the first. Not a great idea for a sequel to a video that mainly relied on throwing ragdolls around for comedy.

https://streamable.com/taxrn

The original intro for PW2DO, based off the intro for “Fargo”. A lot less cool-looking than the final intro I made. (Even though I intended the video to be made in SFM, I made the intro in Gmod solely because I could just film myself driving the car instead of having to animate it manually.)

The final intro was done in a not too difficult fashion - the characters were animated in Garry’s Mod on top of greenscreens, which I then imported into Premiere and changed to solid colors. Added some extra video effects I found in places. Set it to an instrumental of Propane Nightmares. I’m proud of how it turned out, mostly. I won’t deny after I introduced the characters I didn’t exactly know what else to do with it, so I just filled it with some random actiony shots I thought might look cool. Incidentally, this was the only part of the final video that was made in Premiere - the rest of it was just edited together in Vegas Pro. Which crashed many times during editing. Fun.

PART 2: THE PAINS OF INDECISION (AND ALSO SOURCE FILMMAKER)

Nonetheless, I got to work, despite not actually knowing how to use Source Filmmaker. “I’ll figure it out as I go along,” I figured. And over time, more or less, I managed to figure it out. Sort of. And by “figure it out” I mean “become subject to the true hell that is SFM”.

Let me give you some quick background here. SFM has two main editors for animation: The “motion editor”, and the “graph editor”. The motion editor uses a relatively easy-to-understand method of animating: you select an object you want to animate (a prop, weapon, ragdoll, etc), select the span of time in which you want the thing to move to its new destination, and then you move it to the new destination. Sounds simplistic, but can be used extensively to create good-looking animation. (I myself used this method for the bar fight in PW2DO.) The graph editor on the other hand, is much more involved, depending on the tried-and-true method of using keyframes for animation. Some people prefer this one because it allows you to directly edit and fine-tune each little animation curve to your liking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUXnpk8xDLg

This unfinished PW2DO prototype was animated entirely with the graph editor in SFM.

Really, you can use either one for animating, whichever suits you best. For me, personally, the graph editor feels like something designed in the seventh circle of hell specifically to torture me. Why does adding a new keyframe screw up all my preexisting animation? Why does adding a new keyframe make the ragdoll’s bones stretch out to infinity? Those are just a couple questions I shouted at my computer screen while trying to figure it out.

Eventually, I just gave up. I came to terms both with the fact that I wasn’t satisfied with what I was making, and with the fact that trying to use SFM’s graph editor to animate was making me want to julienne my keyboard. (I hadn’t figured out, or really even considered the motion editor at the time.) “Screw it,” I said to myself. “I’ll do in Gmod, like the last one.”

PART 3: OH RIGHT, GMOD SUCKS TOO

The first PWDO was relatively simple to make, at least compared to the second one. There were two main tools I used: Stop Motion Helper (a tool for animating stuff within Gmod itself without the need for actual stop motion or whatnot), and the classic technique of “throw stuff around in front of the camera”. I had little to no experience doing 3D animation when making it, but it worked out anyway. It let me practice some camera framing stuff, too. All I was really doing for most of it was animating the characters moving along with the camera. But for the second video, I desperately wanted to up the ante. I wanted it to be cooler. More edgy. More cinematic. Turns out, there’s one main reason that proved difficult for me. And that’s that Garry’s Mod kinda sucks for long-term animation.

Here’s the difference between animating in SFM and animating in GMod. SFM is made for animation. GMod isn’t. So, if you want animating in GMod to be anything less than horrendously tedious, you need some addons to help you. Stop Motion Helper is a neat little addon that lets you animate stuff in Garry’s Mod with the “tweening” type of animation. Simply put, you pose something in point A, make a keyframe, move it to point B, and then make another keyframe. Stop Motion Helper will then automatically animate it moving between the two points. Thus, instead of the stop motion method where you have to pose every individual frame, you technically only have to pose the beginning and end. Not that it looks very good if you only do that. Of course, like any kind of animation, it’s still something that requires a lot of effort if you don’t want it to look cheap and robotic. But it works. Sort of.

Doesn’t work too well with vehicles, though.

There were a multitude of small limitations and annoyances, however, that proved to be annoying to deal with in GMod nonetheless.

FIRST PROBLEM: Because GMod isn’t made specifically for animation, resuming a project within it is kind of a hellish endeavor at times. Unlike Source Filmmaker where you can just open a project file and everything remains the same, Garry’s Mod’s saving tool doesn’t save a lot of the addon-related data when you create a save file of whatever scenario you’ve made. That includes stop motion helper animation. While SMH does have its own support for saving animations, you have to save every single animation as its own separate file. Take the scene in PW2DO, for instance, where Phoenix shoots those cops to get the security footage.

https://streamable.com/2ikd1

There are seven moving parts in this scene - Phoenix, the picture frame, both cops, the gun, the shampoo bottle, and the camera. Note how many of these are moving in each camera shot along with how many shots there are (ignoring after the cop goes out the window, because that’s not done with SMH). That’s ten shots, if you didn’t want to count. If I wanted to save this whole scene for potential later tweaking, I’d have to make a save file for the session along with saving the animation data for all ten shots - that’s ten separate animation files for this one scene - and then I would have to manually reapply the animation to each individual moving element.

On top of that, not everything can be saved at all just by sheer concept. The muzzle flash, for instance. While the flash graphic over the gun was added in post, the actual light emanating from it was something I had to do in-game, and it’s not something you can animate with SMH. Therefore, I had to play the animation in GMod, and then specifically time me hitting a button on my keyboard to make the flash happen at just the right point. That’s just one workaround in a program that, when animating in it, is like 80% workarounds.

But nothing about Garry’s Mod frustrated me quite as much as the final fight scene.

PART 4: THE BAR FIGHT

The final fight scene of PW2DO was the one thing that kept me from releasing the video sooner. Seriously, out of that year and a half or so, I’d say only a month or so was spent working on the GMod portions of the video. The rest was just that stupid, godforsaken fight scene. (And mostly procrastinating on making it.) Allow me to try and outline to you what I went through doing this.

Now, the fight scene went through three specific incarnations. They were all based around Maya and Athena tracking down Phoenix and beating the crap out of him, it just differed on two basic things: the location, and the fight music. The first idea I had was them fighting Phoenix in an alleyway while ABBA’s “Waterloo” played in the background. (i know that sounds silly but i swear i couldve made it work) That one didn’t get beyond planning stages - I’d kinda choreographed some of it in my head, I know Phoenix was supposed to get a crowbar at some point, but it didn’t get any farther than that.

The second incarnation was much more well-developed. The way I figured it was as such: Phoenix, after retrieving the security footage from his office, would go on the run and get on a bus. However, when he got on the bus, it’d be revealed that Athena was driving it, and Phoenix would fight Maya as they went down the road. (No comment on how Maya and Athena got a bus.) This was gonna be set to “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince, inspired by the opening car chase scene from Kingsman: The Golden Circle. (Meh movie, neat fight scenes.) Eventually they’d crash the bus, all go flying out the window, and then Phoenix would get arrested by the cops as he did in the final video. Sounds neat, right? So, what stopped me from doing this?

jesus christ so many things

Everything wrong with this concept centered around one particular problem. I absolutely could not, for the life of me, figure out how to animate a fight scene in a bus that was moving down the road. In SFM that might’ve been possible, but in Garry’s Mod? Good luck with that one. I practically tore my hair out trying to come up with a single working solution to this. Allow me to present to you the various ideas I had and why they all failed miserably.

IDEA 1: Animate the bus moving and the characters moving in it at the same time

This was the fastest-thrown-out idea because the complexity of something like this was just too much for Gmod and an animation addon. What’s that? You want to be able to stay with the scene as it animates? No, that’s basically impossible to do. It’s not like SFM where you could just attach yourself and a camera to the moving vehicle and animate from there. It just wasn’t feasible.

IDEA 2: Create moving textures and place them outside the windows to give the illusion of movement

This one went out the window too, unfortunately, as rotating the camera to any degree kinda just seriously killed the illusion. I could’ve done the scene without the cool cinematic fighting camera movements, but… is it really Phoenix Wright’s Day Off without those?

IDEA 3: Create a 3d video of going down the street in GMOD and paste it onto a greenscreen outside the bus, and animate it rotating properly in Premiere

I don’t blame you if you don’t understand what the hell I’m talking about. See, miraculously enough, there is actually an addon for GMod that allows you to record 360 degree videos within it - and after a decent amount of finicking around with it, I actually managed to make one that seemed to work fine. It was from this point I actually set out and started making the scene - I got about ten seconds in, mostly comprised of driving shots, a neat easter egg with Homestar Runner (not something i’d do nowadays tbh) and a single shot of Phoenix beating on Maya. I was all set to get going.

And then Premiere just refused to work with the 360 video. Don’t get me wrong, I was able to animate it rotating and stuff, but it wouldn’t let me do this at the same time as the normal 2D video that was meant to be pasted on top of it. It frankly just. Wouldn’t let me. And after a lot of struggling, I just. Gave up. That ten seconds of video, trashed.

https://streamable.com/4omnep

I did manage to re-piece it together from the old files on my drive, though. With mostly missing sound effects.

So, that was scrapped. I wasn’t doing the bus fight. What, then, would work out better than a fight scene based off the first fight scene of Golden Circle? Apparently, my mind decided that would be the last fight scene of Golden Circle. Cool.

Thankfully, things went a lot smoother there, but it wasn’t without hiccups. Now, if you’ve seen Phoenix Wright’s Second Day Off - I don’t know why you’re reading this if you haven’t - there’s a chance you might’ve found the music choice for the bar fight scene a bit odd. If you’re not aware, it’s a cover of the 1986 Cameo song “Word Up”, by a German country band called The Bosshoss. This is the song they used in the movie so you’re not allowed to question me on this.

Given how western-y the song sounds, though, I had to at least make the context fit. Despite that, I couldn’t really find any GMod maps that had a good enough bar interior for a while - and I really wanted it to be a bar fight. Bar fights are cool. Thankfully, I did eventually manage to find one. This one, in particular: https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=806759276&searchtext=

Yes, that’s a My Little Pony based map. I worked with what I had, okay? That was the least of the issues, anyway. By this point I’d had enough of trying to animate with GMod, and as such I’d decided to move back to SFM, but that caused a whole new issue. This map wasn’t made for SFM. And opening it in SFM just. Crashed. I won’t go super into detail of how I fixed this, but essentially I had to download a program called BSPSource so I could decompile the map, re-open it in Hammer, and export it to properly work with SFM.

Still left me with some annoying issues though, as you can see. Not too difficult fixes, though - The first one I just covered up with another corkboard, and the second thing was fixed by typing mat_specular 0 in console. Was a bit annoying that I had to do that every time I reopened SFM, but whatever. It was working, at least. (that’s something you’ll think to yourself a lot if you ever get into using SFM.)

Anyway, things went pretty okay from this point on. You know, aside from me proceeding to barely ever work on the thing for like a year and a half. I didn’t have many hardships during it other than my own procrastination, so instead take a look at some of the funny tricks I pulled to get this scene to go the way I wanted.

https://gfycat.com/OldfashionedForkedFlatcoatretriever

Engineer telekinetically swooces his shotgun back to himself.

https://gfycat.com/SleepyShadowyLadybird

I had to make Phoenix hover over Engie to let his arms reach him without his legs obscuring the camera.

https://gfycat.com/AptHomelyGoral

The rope was way too short to reach the soldier, so I had to have Phoenix basically throw the rope in order to reach his gun. I also forgot to detach the rope from his hand afterward, so it kinda gets flung around with it off-camera.

https://gfycat.com/AgonizingScrawnyAbalone

Phoenix apparently decided for himself he wanted to go out the window.

Aside from all that, though, things finally went okay. Eventually. I managed to finish up the animation, add some extra ending stuff in GMod, and do a neat credits sequence to David Bowie music. All in all, it went okay.

And that’s it. After all that waiting, I finally managed to put an 8 minute video out from one and a half years of it not being finished. It was quite a load off my mind, for sure, and to this day it stands as my proudest video. It’s silly, has its down moments, but I can at least confidently say it’s the best Ace Attorney gmod video. If only because there is basically no competition.

So, what’s in store next? Not much of anything as far as I feel right now. I could make a third one, one day - I did envision it as a trilogy - but although I do have some ideas for it, I still have zero motivation to actually make it. So who knows. We’ll see how it goes. Maybe Phoenix Wright will escape from prison one day.

So, this was the experience of making Phoenix Wright’s Second Day Off. I hope this gave you something of an idea on how agonizing this video was to make, and totally means you should go and share it everywhere to get me more views because I DESERVE it after the hell I went through.

Seriously, though, thanks for reading, and may this post serve as a warning if you ever decide to do Garry’s Mod or SFM videos. Not a warning against it, mind you, you can make some totally cool stuff. Just be prepared to suffer a bit in the process.

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team-science-mega-nerds · 5 years

Text

Any Stranger I Choose

When Lena comes barreling into Sam’s office holding a copy of CatCo’s magazine in one hand and a cup holder with two coffees sitting in it in the other, Sam knows that something is wrong. Actually, Sam’s first thought is: where’s Jess? Because usually if they have a situation that involves unscheduled meetings and coffee, then Lena has inevitably pissed off the Chinese investors or - God forbid - the Russians and that means a six-hour video conference that will force Sam to call a babysitter for Ruby. But Lena doesn’t look stressed or upset, just bordering on giddy in a way that Sam has never seen. Sam swivels her chair so that she’s facing Lena and waits, impatiently, for Lena to sit in front of her desk, place their coffees on coasters, and set the magazine in front of Sam. “Page thirteen” is all Lena says before she leans back in her chair and takes a slow drink of her coffee.

Sam knows that look and even though she feels like she’s being set up, she still opens the magazine and lands on a feature story titled “Outside of the Frame: Prestigious Photography Returns to National City for a Showstopper”. Sam arches a brow because - apparently - she must be missing something. “Okay...cool?”

“That’s Alex Danvers!” Lena says with a huge grin. “You’d probably know her better as the cinematographer for Alignment .” Sam’s eyes dart back to the article, she scans down a few lines and notes the hoard of awards listed including an Oscar for cinematography. “Remember how you kept posting your favorite shots from that movie on your Instagram? I can’t believe she’s back in town.”

“We’ll go to the show when it opens.” Sam tries to sound as chill as possible but Lena was right to show her this. Alignment was her favorite movie and she’ll certainly have the opening of this new art show booked in her calendar for months.

“Did you see what the new show is going to be about?”

“I assume it’ll be portraits, that’s what she’s known…” Sam stops talking when her eyes fall on the last line of the article: Danvers will be shooting a new collection titled ‘The Rise and Fall of Desire’ in which she will be depicting her subjects before, during, and after they orgasm.

Sam could scream. She could throw the magazine across the room and scream. This is why Lena came in here. This is really what she wanted to show her. Lena looks absolutely delighted. Sam knows her cheeks are warming. “She’s looking for new subjects. I mean, taking requests at least-.”

“Are you joking? You can’t do that! You run LCorp-.”

“Not me! You.” Lena rolls her eyes. “I think you should do it.”

“Me?” Sam is dumbfounded. “I...I could never do that. I have a daughter.” Sam says this like that’s the end of it. Lena continues sipping her coffee. Sam knows that she needs to say something more definitive, something to get Lena to back off. “Plus, you know I can never really...well you know .”

“Orgasm?” Lena sets her cup down. “Okay, first of all, Ruby doesn’t need to know about this. It’s a closed event and I doubt any of those boring soccer moms at Ruby's school even know what an art exhibit even is.”

“I’m a soccer mom,” Sam deadpans.

“And have you considered that the reason you haven’t had an orgasm is that you’ve only slept with Missionary Position A and B for your entire life?” Lena reaches across Sam’s desk and flips to the next page in the article. It’s a full page photo of Alex Danvers wearing stylishly tattered black jeans with some average t-shirt showing off her - many - tattoos. Her undercut is perfectly trimmed, her hair looks messy in the best way, and she’s looking right at the camera. Right at Sam. “Wow…”

“What?”

“You’re drooling!” Lena laughs. Sam closes the magazine and slides it across the desk to Lena. “Well, at any rate, I made a call to Shaun who called James who might know Alex from their war photography days and...you’re in.”

“What do you mean ‘I’m in’?” Sam looks at Lena, incredulous.

“There’s this whole application. Background check. I even had to send like ten photos too and apparently, Danvers wants to shoot you.” Right now, Sam would prefer to shoot herself. “I guess there was a huge waitlist but Alex bumped you up-.”

“What the fuck, Lena?!” Sam throws her body back dramatically in her chair. “Seriously, stop laughing or I’ll make you go bankrupt.” Sam closes her eyes. “Plus, she kinda sounds like an asshole. Choosing people based on how they look? Jerk.”

“I actually think James might’ve talked you up. And what do you care? If you aren’t doing it then it doesn’t matter.”

“But she did say yes? I feel like...well, if it’s something she’s considered...and maybe something she’s prepared for…” Sam doesn’t know how to say it. She doesn’t know how to say any of it. Lena knows that. She must know because Lena’s eyes have gone all soft and accommodating like she’s waiting for Sam to go vulnerable so that she can jump. Sam knows her best friend and she knows that there isn’t any maliciousness behind this offer. Just care. And love.

Lena’s probably right. Sam has dated all the wrong people - men - who had been so quick to get to fucking that they’d forgotten that it was a shared experience. Sam was technically out. Technically proud too. But her fears about being with another woman sexually were an issue, something that should be resolved sooner rather than later.

And it wasn’t just about men versus women. It was about the way that Sam felt in the presence of another woman. Completely seen. She’s never gotten past making out because she was frightened by the idea of not knowing what to do. How could she please another woman if she’d never even been able to get off on her own?

“You’re overthinking,” Lena asserts. She reaches across the desk and grabs Sam’s hands. “I think this might be good for you. The experience alone will be a great conversation starter.”

“I’m not saying yes.” Sam pretends to return to her work. “But I will think about it.”

-----

During their weekly brunch, Alex Danvers somehow finds a way to weasel into their conversation again. Sam certainly doesn’t bring it up but Jess is an art nerd so she’s already ranting and raving about Alex like she’s some kind of Annie Leibovitz. Lena has gone stark silent and that seems to spur Jess to ask, “I thought you liked her work. That one movie, right?”

“Alignment,” Lena supplies trying not to smile around her bite of kale.

“Oh my gosh, yes! So good. We should go to the show together. I bet she’ll do some kind of panel or even go around talking to people.”

“I’ll bet,” Sam mumbles.

“Sam might actually be meeting Alex.” Sam kicks Lena’s leg under the table.

“You’re meeting her?!”

“ Might, ” Lena clarifies. “As a subject for her next collection.”

“Lena…” Sam warns.

“The orgasm one? Holy shoot.” Though Sam usually finds Jess’s inability to say curse words enduring, right now she thinks ‘holy shit’ is a warranted expression of how crazy this situation is. “You have to do it. You have to.”

“So, I’ve been told.”

“I know her sister,” Jess tells them. Lena’s eyes widen. Lena was probably happy that Jess was on her side but she obviously didn’t know that tidbit of information. “I mean, she works at the food co-op on Tuesdays with me. Apparently, Alex is really cool. And smart. She was an anthropology major in college.”

“That’s great, Jess, but...I’m still on the fence.” Unlike Lena, Jess seems to take Sam’s apprehension as permission to continue to push her. Jess has all but abandoned her chorizo, egg, and potato hash and has moved on to twirling the mint leaf around in her sangria.

“Sam, this is the opportunity of a lifetime. Kara - that’s Alex’s sister by the way - she said that Alex really values her work and she really wants this project to impact the world and her subjects.” Jess is beaming. “I think that you’re scared. And that’s okay.”

“Feel the fear and do it anyway,” Lena adds, even though she knows she sounds dorky. “I guarantee you’ll have a great experience. Don’t do it for Alex’s sake, do it for yourself.” It’s right now that Sam realizes that she really can have it all. A good work life, great friends, and possibly more. What’s the harm in taking a very contained risk?

And in the two days since Lena’s has mentioned it, she’s been thinking about just taking the plunge. She can meet one of her favorite artists, be a part of the work that she admires, and Alex seems...passionate. Sam read a few articles about her and it was clear that Alex took great pride in everything she did. If Sam was going to try - and fail - to have an orgasm in front of anyone, Alex wouldn’t be the last person she'd chose.

“For the record, I’m not scared,” Sam says with all the confidence of a lying liar who lies.

-----

Sam is terrified. Ever since she sent the okay email to the a_danvers photography email, she has been a nervous wreck. Alex obviously had an assistant because the email reply was devoid of any emotion and Sam was told to arrive at 135 Miller St. Apartment 209 at 8 pm. After extensive research on the building, she’d determined that she’d be meeting at a high-end loft downtown and even though it would be a breeze to get to from LCorp, Sam was very uneasy about going to someone’s apartment to do...this.

It didn’t matter how much information Jess could dig up, Sam struggles to trust anyone that easily, so she made sure to bring mace on her drive over. Even as she approached the building, wearing a high waisted pink pencil skirt and a white silk blouse, Sam was nervous that she was going to do the wrong thing. Say the wrong thing. Alex would take one look at her deer in headlights face and send her away in favor of another subject someone who was easier to deal with. Someone braver. Hotter.

When Sam knocked at the door, her fist pushed it open. She was too shy to step in, afraid of intruding, but then she heard the distant call, “Come in,” and she pressed forward. The loft was less of a home and more of a frantic mess of moving boxes in one area, a half-organized kitchen, a “living space” that was just a couch and a coffee table with a few mugs on it, and a bedroom area. That’s where Alex was. She must have been finishing setting up because she had a dirty rag slung over her shoulder like a mechanic as she tweaked one of the light fixtures.

All Sam could focus on right now was the bed. Light lavender colored comforter, a nightstand with a few books and a mug sitting on it, and big fluffy pillows that looked very inviting. It was a king sized bed, Sam knew that because hers was smaller. “Samantha, I assume.” Alex tosses the rag onto a stool near her camera equipment and approaches Sam with her hand out. Sam takes it.

“Sam is fine.”

“Oh, Sam it is.” Alex looks much more midwest-kind in person. Her tattoos that usually make her look tough are actually quite beautiful and alluring in person. Her handshake is firm though and she has a look in her eyes that is perfectly inviting. Sam calms down ever so slightly. “Here, let me take that for you.” Alex takes Sam’s purse and puts it somewhere off to the side. Sam’s eyes are drawn to the art that Alex has apparently just started putting on the walls. They’re unique pieces, things that Sam is almost sure haven’t been in any of her shows. “Did you find the place okay?”

“Yeah, it was close to where I work.” Sam doesn’t know what she should do. Join Alex near the kitchen island or continue standing in the middle of the room.

“Right. LCorp.” Alex goes to her fridge and opens it. “Drink? I’ve got water, some weird hippie shit my sister made, juice, beer…” Sam would take eight shots of anything if that was available but she isn’t sure that she should be drinking.

“Water is fine.” Sam does join her now. She enjoys the way Alex seems confused by every element of the simple process. First, she doesn’t know where the glasses are. Then she can’t figure out how to work the ice dispenser. It lightens the mood enough for Sam to laugh. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s...everything is new here. My assistant bought me all this fancy bullshit.” Alex hands Sam the glass with a smile. “I’m just a simple kid at heart.” Sam watches Alex go from the kitchen to a desk, rummage around, and come back with a few papers and a pen. “So, let’s get all the boring stuff out of the way.” Alex sets a document in front of Sam. “For this project, I’ve written out my artist’s statement, preliminary show info, and...well, obviously, due to the sensitive nature of this project the final gallery will only be photos that my models approve of. But it’s a series of three photos, so I need at least one series in order for that model to be included.”

Alex could be telling Sam that the Earth is flat and she’d be nodding along. Alex is more attractive in person. It’s the movement. She doesn’t talk with her hands but with her eyes. She says everything like it’s the truth, and Sam knows that she’ll be going through with this just because it’s what Alex wants. “Okay.”

“I know I just threw a lot at you. Just wanna check in and to make sure that you know that we can stop at any time.” Alex waits for Sam to nod again before she hands over the pen. “I’ve also done a few sessions with some of the models. Actually one of the male models had to go because his dog bit his neighbor-.”

“Oh, you don’t just do this with women?”

Alex blinks a few times, confused. “Uh...no? This project is for everyone, including those outside of the binary.” Alex leads Sam toward the bed where Sam awkwardly holds the water glass and does not sit down. “Actually, the most difficult thing for people is the lights. I’m open to rescheduling in the morning if that’s more your speed. Natural light can be a game changer.”

“No, I think I’m okay.” Sam isn’t okay and if the way Alex is looking at her is any indication: Alex knows that Sam is nervous.

“Here, why don’t you take a seat.” Sam does and Alex takes the glass from her and places it on the nightstand. Alex sits beside her, not crowding her, just being there for a moment. “Like I said earlier, you don’t have to do this. My work usually isn’t easy but I like knowing that you’ve gotten something out of it too. Why did you decide to do this?”

“Oh, Jesus.” Sam looks away from Alex. “I don’t...I wanted to prove something, I think. To myself.” Sam sighs. “I wanted to try something different. You’re actually...I admire your work.”

“Thanks,” Alex seems taken aback by the compliment. “Well, I think you can do this, Sam. Just think about what makes you feel good.” Alex grabs her camera and sits on the stool by the bed. “I haven’t masturbated in front of other people often but you can pretend I’m not even here if you want.” Wait...what?

“You’re not…” Sam can hear the shock in her voice. “I thought you were…”

“Is everything alright?”

“No, it’s...I’m an idiot. I thought that you were a part of this whole process. You know like…”

“Sex?” Alex lets her camera hang around her neck. “Oh. No, it’s...it’s more of a masturbation thing. Shit, that must not have been clear. I’m so sorry.” Sam wishes she could disappear. She wishes the Earth was flat so she could jump off the edge.

“No, I’m sorry. That just means that I can’t do this. I’ve never...oh, god.” Sam sucks it up. There’s no way that she could be more embarrassed than she is now. “I’ve never had an orgasm. Not with my partners, not on my own. There’s just...something wrong with me, I guess.”

“Hang on, let’s not go there.” Alex looks at Sam thoughtfully. “What if we just took a few test shots? Please say no if I’m pushing you but my work is about fun. Not about climaxing.” Alex motions to her camera. “We should have fun.” Alex looks so earnest and genuine. Sam is very much aware of the fact that she thought she was coming here to get fucked by Alex, so having a little bit of fun is tame in comparison.

“Sure.” Sam smiles. She likes the mischevious look in Alex’s eyes.

“You checked ‘yes’ for nudity on your contract, are you still okay with that?”

“Yes.”

“Cool.” Alex raises her camera and snaps a photo. Sam isn’t sure she was supposed to be posing or ready or doing anything, Alex looks playful, so Sam plays. One thing that Sam learns two photos in is that she loves being watched. Even with a lens between them, Sam can tell that Alex is enjoying herself so kicking off her shoes comes naturally. Sam slides back onto the bed a little more and Alex comes closer.

Sam feels sexy. Alex is being professional but Sam wants Alex to look at her differently. Not playfully, not casually, Sam wants to be wanted. Sam unbuttons the top button of her blouse and then another. “Can you help me with the rest of these?” Sam and Alex both know that Sam doesn’t need help but Alex still reaches forward, unbuttoning the last three buttons with practiced ease.

Her blouse is still tucked into her skirt, Sam reaches to pull it out, but Alex holds up her hand. “Hold on.” It’s the most demanding Alex has been so far. She stays focused on her shot. She likes the way Sam looks right now. Half-dressed, beginning to be naked. It’s the middle ground that catches her eye, Sam will have to remember that. “Look at me.” Sam likes being told what to do. She’s always in control, always in charge, she enjoys that subtle dominance. It makes her get ideas. It makes her look at Alex differently. “Okay.” Alex untucks Sam’s blouse for her. She has soft fingers. One hand on silk the other on her camera, Alex has yet to look at Sam except through the lens.

Sam starts to let her shirt fall off her body, but Alex grabs her arm, leaving one shoulder completely exposed and the other covered. “Wait, I like you like this.”

“Like this?”

“Yes.” Alex has long moved on from her stool. Now she’s hovering around and over Sam, photo after photo, the room gets warmer and warmer. “You still doing okay?”Better than okay , Sam thinks. She can vaguely feel the dampness of her panties and her nipples are prodding at her bra. Her body is telling her to expose herself completely. Her body wants Alex.

“Yeah, I’m…” Sam doesn’t know what she is. Horny? Charmed? “Am I doing okay?”

“Are you kidding? You’re amazing.” Alex lowers the camera and smiles at her. Sam notices the little droplet of sweat running down the side of Alex’s face. Her hair looks so totally grabbable. “You look beautiful, Sam.”

“I think I want to try.” Sam surprises herself by saying this so boldly. Alex tries to stay emotionally consistent, nodding her head. “But if it doesn’t happen-.”

“It’ll be okay. I won’t be upset or disappointed,” Alex assures her. “Do you want to get further on the bed? Take more clothes off?”

“You’d like that, huh?”

“I’m not opposed to it.”

“I think I’ll stay as I am.” Sam, apparently, wants this more than she realized. There’s something about being half dressed, with another woman watching her, that makes Sam ready to push up her skirt just enough so that her hand can easily reach where it needs to go. Sam wonders if Alex looked at all her subjects like she’s looking at her now. Hungry eyes. That’s the way someone looks at another person when they’re ready to devour them. “I’m nervous.”

“Close your eyes. Pretend I’m not here.” Sam scoots back on the bed and closes her eyes. She reaches her hand down, rubs her fingers along her underwear, feels herself. It’s a marvel really, the idea that Sam has only had missionary sex in the dark, and now Alex Danvers is getting a full view of her masturbating. Sam is okay with it, completely. Turned on by the whole thing more than she probably should be too.

“Can I take these off?”

“If you want.” Alex’s voice is breathy. There’s desire there, Sam knows it. The lack of hesitation is what keeps Sam going. It’s what makes her touch herself without even thinking about the fact that someone else is there. Sam startles herself when she moans. She’d expected silence. Most noises she made during sex were fake but this is the first time she’s heard herself experience pleasure in this way. Sam stops suddenly, afraid that she sounds strange. Different.

That Alex won’t like her.

“Sorry, I need…” Sam opens her eyes and pulls down her skirt. “I usually don’t feel touch that intensely.”

“Was it bad?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry you stopped then.” Alex sets down her camera. It looks like a move of finality. Like Sam has broken a rule and they can never go back. “Can I tell you something?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Obviously, I have a job to do, but I actually do care about how this experience is for you. And you looked like...well, I think you were having fun. I think you know your body better than you think.” Alex takes a deep breath. “So if you want to do another session, we should.”

“Really?”

“Of course.” Alex runs her fingers through her hair. “And, for the record, tell your partner that they need to eat you out.” Sam’s face warms as she tugs on her shirt.

“I don’t have a partner and even if I did, the people I’ve been with don’t like doing that.”

“I do.” Alex ducks her head. “I just meant that there are people who do enjoy that.” Sam has already put her shirt back on but she briefly considers yanking it off and telling Alex to prove it . Is this flirting? Or is this just how Alex is?

“Why?”

“Hm?”

“Why do you enjoy it?”

“I’m a sucker for validation. A woman pushing and pulling on my hair is something I like. I like to tease too, bring her to the edge, get her groaning and begging...I don’t know, all that is a big turn on.” Alex keeps looking at Sam like she’s waiting. Alex seems like she wants permission. Like she’d love to hear Sam begging. “You should go.”

“Probably. Do you want me to?”

“No.” Alex thinks for a second. “Come back tomorrow though, if you want.”

“None of this is weird for you?”

“Not really.” Alex shrugs. “Here, I’ll give you my number. We don’t have to set up an exact time but you can text me when you’re ready. If you’re ready.”

“Okay, sounds good.” Sam struggles to put on her shoes. She’s about to walk to the door when she sees Alex lean down and pick something up. It takes Sam a moment to realize that it’s her underwear, still damp, flung carelessly on the ground just a few minutes ago.

“These are nice, black lace. I like them.” Alex grabs Sam’s phone and enters her number. “I’ll keep them for you.” Alex has tapped into something subconscious. Something Sam didn’t even know about herself.

“What if I don’t come back?”

“You’ll come back. And you will come.”

“You promise?” They should be kissing right now. Sam wants to tear off her clothes, she wants to tear off Alex’s clothes. They should be naked. Touching. Fucking.

“I promise.” It doesn’t make sense for her to leave. But she does. Though it’s a chore to drive home, Sam manages to compose herself just enough to follow a few laws properly. Thankfully Ruby is spending the night at her best friends house and going to the pool tomorrow morning, which means Sam is completely free to…

Not text Alex.

She knows it wouldn’t be wise. Her sexual frustrations were on full display earlier and knowing that the answer to her problems was just one text away, well that was a problem. Alex was nothing like the other people that Sam has dated. She’s confident, not cocky. Her style is simple but fresh. Jess was right, Alex is smart. And Sam wishes that Alex could use her brains to understand that she would do anything to get Alex to touch her.

So Sam texted even though she shouldn’t.

[sam]: hey, it’s Sam. Are you thinking of maybe taking photos of yourself?

Sam throws her phone onto her bed and resigns herself to taking a shower. A very cold and miserable one spent thinking of everything except Alex Danvers. She really does need to get a grip, which is probably easier said than done, but if she’s really going to show up there tomorrow then she can’t be this desperate. After Alex changes into a comfortable t-shirt, brushes her teeth, and half-asses her routine, she returns to bed where she scoops up her phone and sees that Alex has texted her twice.

[alex]: not sure yet

[alex]: what do you think?

[sam]: you should, i think your fans would be interested in seeing that

[alex]: you mean you?

Sam rolls her eyes. She takes it back. Alex is cocky, not that it matters to her. She’s just happy that Alex responded. Is this what desperation feels like? The thrill of a stupid text message coming through. If Sam wanted, she could’ve figured all this shit out in her early twenties, now she’s coming through right at thirty trying - and probably failing - at starting an ill-advised fling with someone she admires.

[sam]: I’ll see you tomorrow

This is not the smartest thing Sam has ever done. It’s a mess of impulsivity and the unrelenting desire to be touched. But Sam is a big girl and so is Alex and if they both want this to go somewhere, then it should. If Sam really wants to be touched and craved the way she’s wanted for so long, then tomorrow was her best shot.

[alex]: I can’t wait ;-)

My AO3 - My Kofi

#agentreign #sam arias #alex danvers #lena luthor #jess the secretary #supergirl #fic: any stranger I choose #this is gonna be 3 chapters so look out for updates #also feel free to talk to me about this because this was just one of those 'OH GOTTA WRITE THAT' things

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fiesta-freddie · 5 years

Text

Opposites Attract Pt.3| Teddy boy! John x reader

A/n: I finally finished it y’all! Sorry it took like 300 hundred years to post this though :( Anyways I hope you enjoy this, I’m really excited for the next few chapters. If you’d like to be added to the tag list let me know! Feedback is always appreciated! Enjoy!

Summary: Your from the posh part of town, uptown to be exact. Never in a million years would you have thought to befriend a group to Teddy boys. But maybe it might be one of the best decisions you’ve made so far

———

“Here we are.” George said pulling up to a building that had the words Cavern Club across the top. It wasn’t the worst, especially for being downtown.

One by one you each shuffled out of the car and onto the sidewalk.

You examined the building from the outside. There were a few spots where the paint was chipping off, but other than that it seemed to be a good condition.

John held the door open as each of you walked inside. He gave you a wink as you walked by and you gave him a cheeky smile in return, only to which he grinned.

Once you were inside it was a completely different scene. There wasn’t a lot of people, considering it was the middle of the day, nonetheless the people who were there still managed to get wasted. It was darker inside and louder. There was a stage with a band that was playing a few songs, none that you had ever heard before. Probably a few of their own.

As you looked around you noticed how much you stood out from everyone else with your baby blue dress and flat bottoms. All the boys seemed to be wearing leather jackets and jeans, or greasy shirts that were rolled up past their elbows. There were a few women there but none of them dressed like you. Some were dressed just like the men and others had on minimal clothing.

“So what do you think of the place?” George asked you from behind, raising his voice a bit so that way you could hear him

“Well, it isn’t the worst thing ever.” You said truthfully

He rolled his eyes playfully at you. “You’ll get used to it sooner or later. How about a drink?”

You nodded in agreement instead of trying to talk over all the noise. You both walked up to the bar where the other three boys were already sitting. “Two beers please.” George said to the bartender.

You took a seat on a bar stool while you waited for your drink, looking around a bit more.

“A different scene than your used to I’m guessing?” Ringo asked, just like George had minutes before.

“Well, I mean yes. We don’t have anything quite like this uptown. But a change in scenery is always nice.” You said. Ringo nodded.

“So Y/N,” you heard John say from the other side of you. You were positioned right between the boys. Paul and John on your left and Ringo and George on your right. “Tell us about yourself. Surely a pretty bird like you has an interesting background eh?” He said with a wink. Charming.

“Well what do you want to know?” You asked him as you grabbed your drink from the bartender, thanking him with a nod

“Surely you grew up a lot more privileged than we did. What’s it like?”

“It has its perks I guess.” You said as you shrugged. The boys looked at you, waiting for you to say more. We’re they really that interested in your life? What were you supposed to say? “I mean most of the people I know in my life grew I up the way I did. Some people just take advantage of it I suppose.” You continued

“What do you mean take advantage?” George asked

“Most of my friends. They'll ask for something and usually end up getting it. Their parents hardly ever say no to them. And if it’s not something from their parents, it’s from their boyfriends.” You said rolling your eyes. You looked at the boys and saw looks of confusion on their faces. Were you really complaining about having a good life? A better life than they had ever experienced?

“Well what about you?” John asked you, nudging your shoulder a bit with his arm

“Pardon?”

“Surely you’ve had your fair share of things like that, haven’t ya?”

You were taken back by Johns question. Maybe you have, but it never occurred to you. You stopped asking your parents for money and nice things quite some time ago. Sure the life you had was nice, but it wasn’t for you.

“I suppose you do have a point. But I guess I’m just tired of the posh girl life? If that even makes sense.” The boys nodded, seeming to understand what you meant

“What’s so bad about the life you’ve got, love?”

You took a deep sigh before answering “Everyone expects so much from you. Your expected to finish school, to be proper about everything, to dress nice. Everything is handed to you and you never have to work for anything. People expect you to marry into a rich family too, even if there’s no love. And other people who are from different parts of town only see you as snobby and money hungry. You have a reputation when you come into the world without getting the chance to make one for yourself. Sometimes I wish I could’ve just been born into a working-class family” You ranted on.

The boys looked at you in astonishment, like that was the last thing they would’ve expected to come out of your mouth. Which to be fair, it probably was.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone like you complain about their life.” George said

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as whiny or spoiled.” You said looking down.

“No no, it’s fine. I think it’s interesting to hear it from a different point of view.”

You looked over in George’s direction and gave him a sweet smile.

“But why would you want to live the life of a working-class citizen?” Ringo asked from behind George

“I just want change. I know it may not look like it, but I’m actually quite an adventurous person. I like to travel and discover new things, but there’s too much holding me back. There are some days where I would give anything just to live like one of you guys. Not having to worry about what others think. I want to be able to stay out late, walking around the streets under the stars, I want to listen to bands play in pubs, enjoying the music up close instead of from afar.” You said with much expression in your face. Getting a chance to talk about this kind of thing always made you perk up. Yeah you mentioned it to your friends a few times but they never seemed to care, no one did. No one really understood why you would want that kind of thing, no one except the boys.

“Our lives aren’t all that great either,” George began. You smiled faded slowly as he kept talking. “Some of us struggle from day to day just to eat. Some of us don’t even have our own bed to sleep in, or a house for that matter. There’s always someone somewhere getting in an alley fight or in trouble with an officer. It’s not as great as you think it is. Sure we have a bit more freedom than you might but that’s not always a good thing.” George said. You looked over to Ringo and he nodded in agreement. Paul and John did the same when you looked over at them.

You expected to hear that they had troubles. Obviously their life wasn’t as grand as yours, and you knew that. But you didn’t know it was this bad “Why is having freedom a bad thing though?”

“Ah love, you don’t understand. When your younger you don’t think about it as much. But as you start to get older you realize you only have the amount of freedom you’ve got because your parents don’t want to make time for you.” George said

“You don’t have any guidance. No role model to look up to, so you roam around doing whatever. Sometimes you get involved with the wrong crowd and get into trouble. And it’s not like our parents give a shit because their all either two things.” John chimed in

“And what would that be?”

“Alcoholics or dead.”

Your eyes widened at his words. You didn’t realize how much worse their situation actually was. Of course you had always heard stories about downtown people getting into more trouble, but you never understood why until now. “I- John- I don’t-.” You stumbled on your words thinking of something to say, but you couldn’t. “I’m so sorry I don’t know what to say, I didn’t realize how hard your guys lives really are. God I feel like such an asshole now. I’m so sorry.” You said putting your head into your hands.

“Hey it’s okay, you don’t need to be sorry.” John said placing a reassuring hand on your shoulder. You looked up at him and he gave you a soft smile, one that was genuine. You did the same

“Yeah don’t worry about it Y/N, were used to telling our story.” Ringo said

A moment of silence fell upon the five of you. Nobody said anything. All that could be heard were the voices of the people behind you and the band playing their music in the background.”

The bartender walked over. “‘Nother round?” He asked. All four boys pushed their glasses his way saying ‘yes’ and ‘thanks’ as they did. He looked at you. “What about you?” He asked. You simply shook your head no politely. “I’m good, thank you though.” You said. He nodded and then headed off to refill the other four glasses.

“Y/N? Didn’t you mention something about bands playing in pubs earlier?” Paul asked breaking the silence

“Yeah I did actually, now that I think back on it. Why do you ask?”

“Well we uh actually do that...sometimes.” He said gesturing to the three other boys. They nodded. It was something they were proud of and you could tell by the way they smiled

“You play in pubs?” You asked him. This was something you never would have expected from them. You had to admit though it was quite interesting to learn. They did give off a boy bandish vibe however, they all dressed fairly the same, they were attractive in one way or another (although you would never tell any of them that) and they seemed to have the right personality for it too.

“We sure do, love. It’s quite fun actually.” John said

“Where at?”

“Well it depends on wherever we can get a gig. We’ve played here at the Cavern a few times, some other places too.”

“So you guys are aspiring musicians then, hoping to make it big?”

“You’d be right about that. We hope to, not every band is successful in the end though. We figure if we play enough times in a few different places we’re bound to be discovered by someone, right? And then who knows what’ll happen from there. It’s a good way to make a little extra money too.” George said

“Hey Y/N!” Ringo said, suddenly perking up. It was cute to watch him, he looked like a five year old in a candy store they way his face lit up and a smile spread across his face “I have an idea! You should come to one of our gigs, we have one here Thursday night!”

Upon hearing Ringo's words the others seemed to perk up as well, seemingly agreeing with what he was saying.

“Yeah Y/N! You should!”

“Yeah yeah you should, really!”

“That’s an awfully nice gesture Ringo. Believe me I would really love to but I’m not sure. I mean I don’t even have a ride, my cars in the shop remember?.”

“Awww come on please? We could give you a ride if you needed one.” George said, he had a puppy dog look in his eyes that you couldn’t say no to. Dammit

“Well I mean, I guess I could. I do suppose I don’t have any plans for Thursday night as of right now.” You said teetering with the idea of it in your head, the boys fell silent and they seemed more focused as they waited for you to give your final answer. It could be fun, definitely a new experience too. I mean you were just talking about how much of an adventurous person you were.

A grin grew on your face the more you thought about it. All you would have to do is make up an excuse for going out Thursday night, it’s not like your parents would care anyways.

You threw your hands up in the air. “Oh what the hell, sure I’ll come!” You said with a smile on your face. The boys all cheered when you said this, obviously they were happy with your answer and you were happy with your decision too. What’s the worst that could happen?

“I promise Y/N, it’ll be the best bloody night of your life!” George said

“I can’t wait.”

———-

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