#life has been very stressful recently and I’m assuming that’s what’s up

[alexiapp]

Next Step With You

Alexia Putellas x Reader

Summary: You and Alexia finally have the talk about Kids…

Note: I’ve been gone for so fucking long because of how insanely busy i’ve been but, i’m totally hoping on posting constantly and not keeping empty promises 😭..i’ve had an insane amount of writers block also so keep that in mind!! This isn’t my best work but it’ll have to do !

You never thought that you would be in love. You thought you were unlovable or maybe incapable of finding your ‘true one’. You presumed that maybe it was your strong personality or your high standards that caused these problems. You always had trouble with relationships, and had a couple horror stories when it came to your past love life. You always that you were the problem, until you met Alexia. She made you feel something that you never thought you would be able to experience. You felt giddy inside, and content. There wasn’t a dull moment between her and I.

Alexia was charming, and very charismatic and she also has a strong personality which drew you into her. Recently you guys have been entering a new chapter of your relationship. This year would be marking the 4th year you have been together. You couldn’t see your life without Alexia, it just wouldn’t feel right. You wanted to bring new milestones to you guys relationship. Everything you envision had Alexia in it.

You wanted to add an addition to you guys relationship badly..You wanted to build a family between the two of you. You only started feeling this way until you saw how attentive Alexia was towards kids, it always made you wonder how she’d be if you guys had kids. You knew deep down in your heart that Alexia would be an amazing mother, but you didn’t know if Alexia wanted to take that next step with you or if she was even ready. It’s something you’ve been hesitant to bring up, these loud thoughts always stayed in the back of your mind. You don’t wanna scare her away..imagine how crazy you’d looked if she didn’t feel the same way..i mean what if she thought you were a total nut case. This steered you away from Alexia, making you kind of cold and distance.

This situation made you second guess a lot of things. You took an immature approach, usually the average person would talk it out with there significant other in an healthy manner, but you being you, were quite stubborn and decided to isolate yourself. You started declining her offers to go out when she put the idea out there. You guys once long text messages turned into short and brief on your end no matter how hard the poor woman tried to carry the conversation.

You assumed Alexia didn’t notice how cold you’ve been ..Oh boy were you wrong. She was was in deep stress her mind was constantly racing wondering what she could’ve possibly done wrong. Trying to remember moments where she could’ve possibly said the wrong thing that might’ve hurt or offended you in any way. She was determined to get to the bottom of this and handle it quickly, she genuinely couldn’t take not having you around any longer.

After settling down and drowning in her thoughts she decided the only way to get your attention is by catching you at in unexpected moment. She decided she’d venture to your apartment without giving you any head’s up. She didn’t want you to find another excuse to brush her off and ignore her, she wanted to talk to you and get you back. She was determined and ready to do whatever it takes.

The determined blonde quickly grabbed her phone and car keys headed straight for your flat ready to corner you.

You were brought out of a day dream when you heard a knock on your apartment door. You got up and walked over to your door with confusion written all over your face. You weren’t expecting a visitor or any packages. Shock washed over you when you were met with a very agitated and worried blonde. The last person you wanted to see.

Your once confused face was replaced with a very shocked expression.

“Um..hi?” you muttered out in surprise at what you were faced with.

“Why have you been ignoring me” Said the hazel eyed woman as she pushed through into your apartment door.

“i..i haven’t been, i’ve just been very busy i-“ you said as you staggered your words.

“Don’t like to me, you know how much i hate when people lie” the blonde woman said cutting you off in your lousy excuse as to why you haven’t been very present in you guys relationship.

“You’ve been brushing me off, you’ve been texting me less and less. I want to know what i did wrong so i could fix it”. She said with fury in her voice.

“There’s nothing you can do, to stop me from me feeling how i feel right now Alexia” You said nervously.

“Then what is it! I need to know what it is so we can fix it. I want us to fix this” she said waving her hand between you and her.

“I feel like if i tell you what it is, our relationship would be over” you said with a meek expression.

“amor whatever it is we can try and get past it, i just have to know” she said gently as she walked towards you grabbing your hands as a form of comfort. She could tell you were nervous about what you wanted to say next.

“There’s things that i want to do in our relationship that you might not be ready for Alexia, and i don’t want that to jeopardize what we have.” You said conflicted on weather you should open up to her or not

“Hey, no matter what is bothering you, we can fix it and hopefully move past it..i promise” she said as she rubbed her thumb across my hand.

“I want us to have kids..i want to have kids with you, and i didn’t know how to tell you. I didn’t want to scare you off i didn’t want you to think i’m so crazy person. I see myself starting a family with you..” You said with fear in your voice. You were almost quivering with fear on how she would react. You were shut down when you heard the woman in front of you hysterically laugh.

Oh no…she thought you were a joke, she must think you’re a loser..you told yourself, emotions bathing in a pool insecurity. You broke your hand away from her turning away in rejection. “ I knew this would happen, i just knew you wouldn’t take me seriously” you said with hurt and regret in your voice.

You turned your body away from her not wanting her to see how hurt you truly were.

“I’m sorry, come here” she said trying to make you turn towards her.

“i’m not laughing at you about what you said, i’m laughing because why wouldn’t you think i want that also?” she said chuckling lightly. She placed her fairly large hands on her face cupping your cheeks softly and said “why would i want to do that. There isn’t anyone i wouldn’t rather start a family with” she said shaking her head at your ridiculousness.

“I just thought that maybe you’d think that we’re moving to fast, i was just scared” you said looking into her hazel eyes.

“vale, firstly their isn’t anyway i could see life without you..let alone my future with you not being in it, if you told me how you felt ahead of time this wouldn’t be our outcome” she said has she brushed her thumb against your cheekbone

“Amor, you have to communicate with me when you’re feeling this vale ?” she said shaking her head to try to get me to understand. Which i nodded in response.

I leaned in and pecked the blonde’s lips, you were suddenly thrown over her shoulder, making you giggle in surprise “Let’s practice making that baby sí!” as she carried you to your apartment bedroom.

I’ll grammar check later !!

#barca femeni #woso x reader #woso community #woso imagine #woso #barca #alexia putellas one shot #alexia putellas imagine #alexia putellas x reader #alexia putellas #alexia x reader

[bocchi-the-roxas]

Art is hard rn OTL

#I just wanna draw something #I’m trying to hard to make it happen which is not the best lol #but I have done no art anything since I finished my recent zine piece (so glad I got that finished) #I have tried doing more work on older wipes and I have tried doing new stuff but I just can’t rn #I haven’t even worked on my crochet in a while #life has been very stressful recently and I’m assuming that’s what’s up #Bluh Bluh Bluh Bluh Bluh

[doobea]

BORN TO MAKE HISTORY ─ RIN ITOSHI

synopsis: After his brother takes a nasty fall and calls out before the new season starts, Rin has to step up as your new figure skating partner.

✰ ✰ ✰જ⁀➴ PLAYLIST. | MASTERLIST

contents: an ice skating au fic (very much yuri on ice inspired), fem!reader, ice skating terms and irl figures thrown around, inaccurate depictions of figure skating, sfw, rin being awkward, sae is a decent brother in here, characters are in their early-mid 20s, talks about ISU grand prix, mentions of mental health (depression, anxiety, burn out, imposter syndrome), heavy narration, rin centric word count: 5.1K a/n: life has been super busy and hectic recently :( kisses to @popponn for beta reading my works as always <3 im forever grateful for you :) more notes towards the end of the fic <3

PREV. RINK | NEXT RINK

“What should we wear?” You’re pacing across the living room, hand tucked under your chin and brows furrowed. 

Sae’s leaning to the side on the couch, trying to get a decent view of yesterday’s playback practice run on the rink every time you cross his line of vision. Rin’s also trying to pay attention to the jumps and step sequences too but, whenever his parts are about to come up, you seem to pause in front of the TV.

“I dunno, ask Rin,” Sae shrugs and turns up the volume, hoping that you would catch the hint. 

It doesn’t matter though, because you’re shuffling in place and now your attention is honed on your phone, scrolling rapidly through what Rin can only assume are images of various costume designs. He’s seen a few of your professional photos from the previous years during his recent down time, a lot of the designs highlighted your feminine side with bright colors and pastels. It suits you, no surprise there, considering your outgoing personality. Rin, on the other hand, likes to keep it moody and, as his fans would like to call it, “Dark Paradise” core — whatever that means.

Well, it wouldn’t really matter if you did happen to ask for his opinion because, recently, Rin didn’t give two shits about what he wears. If anyone were to peek into his closet, which they would definitely need to fight through him first, they would discover an array of all different shades of black and blue in their deepest forms. Oh, and all he owns is athleisure attire, too. Rin doesn’t bother with all things fancy and tailored ever since going on break, though he has a creeping feeling that he might have to go back to it soon.

“As long as it’s not flashy, I’m fine with whatever.” Rin answers finally, and closes his eyes as he says it, realizing that he’ll either look incredibly out of place with whatever costume idea you’ll have in mind. He can’t quite place why he feels so stressed about it. 

“Whatever?” You chirp back with a slight tilt. Rin can almost see the gears turning desperately in your head as your foot taps away in deep thought. “Have we even decided on a theme yet?”

“Considering we literally just started practicing? No.” Rin huffs out. He tips his head, letting his cheek settle comfortably against his palm. 

Safe to say, his thighs and feet hurt like hell, laced with heavy exhaustion from yesterday’s session. He probably needs more sleep in more but, with both you and Sae knocking on his bedroom door this morning, he firmly decided in his mind to sneak away after today’s practice to catch up on some hours.

“Your jumps are sloppy,” Sae points out casually. 

Rin rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the tip.”

“Anytime,” his brother shoots back before replaying the same damn sequence where Rin nearly loses his footing. The video is now playing in slow motion and zoomed in, painfully reminding Rin that he needs to upgrade his skincare routine. Somehow, he’s glad that you’re still covering half of the TV screen, unaware of the near wipe out scene from behind. 

A few seconds later and Sae speaks again. “You look stiff here, bend your knees and loosen your arms.” 

Rin sighs. “ ‘Kay…” 

“We’re still going for ‘love’, right? Or are we not doing that?” Your arms are crossed, fingers drumming away, still deep in thought and tuned out from their own conversation. “What songs do you wanna skate to?” 

Before Rin could even provide a half-assed answer to that, Sae interrupts his thoughts with, “Please try and at least look like you’re having fun.”

“…noted,” Rin decides with a sigh. “I’m going back to bed when this is over.” Screw napping after practice, he barely got a full eight hours last night and being berated so bright and early in the morning killed any sort of energy he had prior.

“Nope,” Sae pauses halfway through the video, turning to face him with a stern look. “You’re not going back to bed, because then you won’t wake up in time for practice. Sleeping in will only ruin your current sleep schedule, too.”

Rin wants to retort that he’s not a fucking child anymore, that he doesn’t need Sae to be looking after him. However, there’s the fact that his brother is sorta his manager now and in charge of quite literally everything of Rin's career. Also, it’s kinda hard to come up with a solid comeback when they’re reviewing his rusty movements, lackluster jumps, and every thirty seconds he’s taking a small break to catch his damn breath. 

You eventually plop down in the middle of the couch, between both brothers, when you realize that your question isn’t going to be answered simply. After Sae finally gets the chance to thoroughly watch a good chunk of yesterday’s practice sequence, you switch topics. “Just so you know, Rin, have you seen your comment section lately?”

Sae shuffles in his seat and suddenly Rin feels the air in the room thickening. Rin fiddles with his phone in hand, knowing full well that he did post a ‘comeback’ announcement only to then quickly turn his app notifications off, because… of his feelings of self cautiousness? Would that be the right term he’s looking for?

“What did he do?” Sae’s asking you because he knows damn well Rin wouldn’t give him the full details and you’re just so damn open about everything so Rin can’t possibly hide from this one.

But, instead of answering Sae, you cough, loud and awkward, before shooting Rin an apologetic look. “Um, nothing…?”

Alright, well Rin takes it that you’re a god awful liar. 

Sae’s now staring directly in Rin’s direction and he’s trying so hard to avoid eye contact right now by pretending that their family portrait wall is the most interesting thing in the room. Of course, that doesn’t work because he can hear Sae tapping away freely on his phone and—

“Did you fucking block me on Instagram?”

Okay, yeah, Rin totally forgot about that, too. To be fair, when someone is going through a depressive episode for over a year, the last thing anyone would want to see on their feed is the success of their older sibling.  

“No?”

And, turns out, he’s also an awful liar. 

Sae is not happy. He is very, very unhappy. 

He’s not usually the emotionally expressive type to most people, so that usually leaves Rin the luxury of experiencing the back end when his brother does decide to let his walls down. And, well, in the past, when he did get pissed off, Sae would normally vent about his coaches and stalkerish fans with a bit of sass to it, but today? 

He’s currently grumbling and groaning and Rin’s pretty sure his shirt is on backwards, and bless your soul, but also fuck you, for dragging him into this mess. 

After a very short Google Search of what Rin has done, followed by an equally as short lecture on how to be professional on the internet, Rin is grimley reminded by the large number of likes and retweets on Twitter that his announcement might’ve not been the best thing he’s ever posted. He really can’t understand why though, because Rin was deadset sure he was going to lose his career nearly three years ago when he got into a fight with another skater, so why is he getting canceled for announcing something… tamed? Well, he also hasn’t exactly opened his social media apps since then. A strange gnawing feeling comes up whenever he fights off the urge to check.

“You should’ve held off or at least came to me before posting something like this.”

It’s a miracle that there’s nobody else but you three at the local rink right now. It’s been nearly an hour since arrival and Rin has gotten nothing but an earful from Sae. If any family were to walk in, they’d probably immediately walk out by the sheer amount of heavy tension steaming off on the ice. 

You’re stuck in your own little corner doing all sorts of warm up jumps and stretching, glancing over every now and then at Rin as your way of saying ‘sorry’ and ‘are you doing, okay’. To which, Rin would glance back with a very stiff shrug. 

“What difference would it make?” Rin’s cheeks are a little flushed and there’s a slight hitch to his breath, he had just completed a couple of routine jumps Sae instructed him to do.

“Plenty,” then Sae flashes Rin a quick glimpse of his phone screen. 

An array of outrageous news articles and forums come through, many of them pointing out the strange timing and the internal turmoil of sibling rivalry. There’s a couple of them mentioning drugs, two threads from some third-party news site throwing your name to the mud, and then a short Buzzfeed article listing a slideshow of other skaters congratulating Rin for rejoining the sport again. 

“People are speculating that you’re only stepping in because I’m down for this season. If you would’ve just waited until everything was put together then everything would’ve been different.” 

Rin blinks a little, surprised by the flush coloring his brother's cheeks that’s most certainly not from the cold rink. 

Although, in a way it did make sense. If there’s one thing that famous athletes do know about the media is the fact that news outlets love fabricating drama out of nothing. Sae’s a well known gold medalist, no matter what division that medal came from, so his name came out of people’s mouth as frequently as compared to Yuzuru Hanyu or even Yuuri Katsuki, whenever figure skating was mentioned. It made sense for others to grow suspicious when Rin randomly posted that he’s coming off of hiatus without further explanation. Sae most likely hasn’t told anyone that he’s being subbed in.

Rin hesitantly nods, his snarky response dies in his throat and he feels like he’s swallowing needles when faced with the awkward reality. He’s now reluctant to speak, unsure if anything he’d say would make a difference — for better or worse. Knowing himself, probably the latter. 

After a few seconds of silence, followed by a few jumps performed by you in the background, Sae runs a hand through his hair, in what Rin believes is a rare nervous gesture, looking away briefly. 

“Revival,” his brother finally blurts out. “That’s the theme. You guys fine with that?” Sae’s asking, but there’s a finality to his tone. Rin and you will have to be fine with it. The season starts in a few months, soon Sae would need to prepare choreography for two programs, consult a designer for custom fittings, and take over all things that a coach and manager would do. Somehow, despite being out for this year, Rin thinks Sae might have the hardest job here.

“No objections here.”

Two months and many hours of exhausting training later, you and Rin are standing in the locker room for the first competition as an official pair. It’s the first day of the Japan Figure Skating Championships and, somehow, you look more put together than he is.

“Think this looks good?” You do a 360 spin in front of the wall mirror in your short program outfit. It’s a simple short black, gray dress with mesh sleeves and small rhinestones running down the middle. According to the designer, it’s supposed to represent the night sky. 

Rin stands behind you and adjusts his black vest. Gold and white thread accents throughout his patterned shirt compared with plain black trousers. He’s supposed to adjust his cuffs, but his fingers keep fumbling with the last button because his eyes are awkwardly getting lost in your outfit. Luckily, you’re too focused on yourself to take notice.

You eventually lean closer, repeating the question when he takes too long to answer, and he feels your breath against his shoulder. “Everything alright? Are you nervous for today?” Your voice is a little hesitant, full of concern that makes Rin’s stomach slightly jump to his throat. 

“Everything’s fine,” Rin sighs as he manages to shove the last button through. It’s not like he’s going to lose this competition, he might be somewhat rusty but he didn’t qualify for the Grand Prix Final just based on his name alone. “It’s just… a little bit weird that we’re the oldest ones here,” he confesses. 

“You’re still hung up about that?”

It’s stupid and maybe a bit irrational, he knows that much.

You’ve also already tried to convince Rin otherwise multiple times today, but he couldn’t shake off the humiliating feeling of entering a competition where your competitors are almost half your age. Okay, maybe Rin’s being dramatic, but at least five years younger. From what he can recall, it was usually the other way around whenever he competed in men’s singles tournaments. Having to see and now experience that is something he never really mentally prepared himself for.

From the moment he stepped into the locker room, Rin was basically towering over the rest of the athletes. It’s fine, kinda, all he really needs to focus on right now is landing all of his jumps and catching you. Sae’s a strict teacher, but he doesn’t force weird techniques on others if he knows they can’t handle it. 

“Isn’t he, like, totally washed up right now?”

“Shh, don’t say it so loud, Makoto! He’s right there.”

“Oh, shit, let’s go before he…” Rin didn’t get a chance to hear the rest of the sentence, not with you scooting right beside him on the bench and shoving your right ear bud into his ear. 

He’s learned quickly from the following days that you are not the playlist type of person like most people. Unlike normal and sane folks, you have all of your liked songs in one playlist and you like spending your time shuffling away through the vast hundreds of genres and artists until finding the right one. In your own words, if you were to make a playlist then it would easily be over a few dozen — why do that when all of your favorite songs are in one spot? 

That being said, you’re currently blasting a Frank Ocean song before shifting through a couple more songs with the intent of finding both the short program and free skate song. Oh, and for some reason you don’t use the search function at all through your liked playlist. Apparently, it “ruins” the fun. 

“This would’ve been a nice song to skate to,” the tune switches to something more upbeat and indie, Rin recognizes the band to be Florence and the Machine from the vocals alone. “Sae complained about the song being too long and I called him a lazy loser shortly after.” You say with a smile but Rin’s eyes drift down only to see your leg bobbing up and down rapidly.

Rin tries to pay no mind as he continues to put on his skates. “A six minute long performance would be too much,” he agrees with Sae’s previous answer.

“Hey, tickets to these sorts of things are expensive nowadays with scalpers everywhere!” You try to reason. “If someone’s spending two hundred dollars on a seat then they can sit through a six minute long skating sequence.”

Rin rolls his eyes as he fiddles with a tangled lace. “I didn’t mean the people in the audience, I meant the skaters.”

“Well, maybe we should learn a thing or two from people who do Disney on Ice?”

“I do not want that to be my fall back career, thank you.” A shiver creeps down his spine at the thought of being forced to skate while wearing a Mickey Mouse costume of all things. Seriously, do people clean those suits?

“Hey, are you…” both of your ears perk at the sound from behind. Rin turns around first, he’s immediately greeted by one of the younger male competitors. The boy looks like he’s still growing into his body, probably not any older than seventeen.

“Yeah, I am,” Rin finishes the obvious question. Maybe the kid’s a fan by how bright his face lights up soon after. “Is there something you need?” Sae’s been drilling him to be a little bit more receptive to fellow competitors and fans alike, in order to fix some of his reputation. 

“I’ve been looking at your past performances, lately,” the kid starts with a smile. “Last year, during the Grand Prix Final, you did good!”

“Thanks—”

“Your theme was the same as the previous years, but I guess that’s just something you’re comfortable with, right? The falls that you took, it was because your balance was off. You need to work better on finding your center during jumps if you seriously plan on competing in the senior division again.”

Rin only notices the pain digging in his fists when you reach over, palm encasing over his closed ones. You don’t bother looking his way, but you do say something to the kid. It sounds muffled though, or maybe Rin’s somehow zoning out? He’s not sure. 

The loss from the Grand Prix is apparently still at the forefront of his mind, no matter how much he tells himself otherwise. People love to pick out that particular part in his performance, acting as if they could pull it off any better. And, for a brief moment, all his past of anger and frustration at the sport suddenly comes rushing back at an overwhelming rate. Rin’s wondering who else wants to criticize him when they meet him again. 

“Don’t they teach kids manners these days?” You try to shoot a glare back but, from Rin’s perspective, it just looks like you’re mildly constipated. 

It kinda ends up working, because the kid backs off, scurrying away and off to his manager for last minute pep talk. Sae’s currently running late as usual, but it’s not like you two would need any words of encouragement. Rin’s competitive nerves have fizzled out by this point, at least for this event, but he’s now seething with discomfort. He’s certainly positive that you’re feeling the same way. 

“I take it back, some of these kids need to be humbled and maybe even bullied.”

Okay, while Rin would agree, he feels like he has to somewhat step up in Sae’s place to make sure you don’t accidentally get kicked out of this competition for sucker punching a kid.

“It’s fine, don’t get too worked up over it. I more or less expected comments like that.”

Rin never expected anything to come easy. Climbing for his spot again in the competitive world can be absolutely ruthless and meeting skaters who are arrogant, condescending, and taunting are just part of the reality. He suspects that everyone else sees him as a washed up skater, never as a real competitor, or a real challenger for the gold medal.  

“Still,” you pout, unsatisfied by his logical response, but drop the conversation as Rin tightens his laces. Then, you finally manage to find the song for the short program section after the relentless shuffling.

“It’s fine,” he reassures, and really, it’s kinda-sorta fine. It’s something that he’ll eventually get used to, even if he’s well aware of the heinous rumors floating around. Everything will die down after a week or two since most people can barely hold their attention span nowadays. 

“If you’re positive,” you go back to your phone, but not before poking Rin’s sides and redirecting his attention towards the TV screen in the locker room. “Hey, the first pair is competing.”

Pair skating is a lot different from competing in singles. Aside from the obvious involvement of another party, there are more requirements in the short and free skate performances. In the Adult Singles programs, the skater focuses more on their jumps, having a higher emphasis on how many quads they can shove in — or at least that’s how Rin used to work. Quads granted him the majority of the points, it’s something that he can take some pride in compared to his other juniors and seniors. 

For pairs, instead of focusing on jumps in the sequences, it’s lifts. There’s two types of lifts, overhead and twists, both are required in the programs. In general, overhead lifts rely on the movement of the person in the air, the control and execution of their rotations around the person carrying them. For twists, the most “exciting” part of the performance by judges’ words, requires an insane amount of coordination and strength since Rin has to propel you into the air by the waist.

Sae had the lovely idea to throw in three overhead lifts, just because he thinks Rin can handle it. Those evening practices at the rink, followed by early morning lifting sessions absolutely killed him, both physically and spiritually. Though, safe to say that he’s just about near his physical peak last year from all the training. 

You and Rin both waited patiently in the locker rooms for the first three pair performances, only leaving and heading by the outer rink when you guys queued next. Sae leans against the railing, the brace on his foot now gone and, instead of chunky sneakers, he’s opted back to his expensive loafers. Maybe that’s why he ran late, just in case paparazzi took snapshots of his entire outfit. Go figure.

“I think you guys will have no issue securing gold.” Sae’s voice comes through the haze of Rin’s thoughts, sounding distinctly unimpressed by the current line up. “Even if you guys fumble your lifts, I think the amount of it will carry enough points.”

Erupted cheers soon fill the air and all eyes turn to the rink as the pair’s performance ends. You soon recognize one of the skaters being the teenager from earlier and throw Rin a look. 

“We’re going to make sure that he doesn’t get a chance at winning until next year.” You announce, tone casual but eyes flickering something darker than what Rin’s used to.

Sae scoffs and leans against the railing, holding Rin’s Winnie the Pooh tissue box in his arms. “I’m assuming the locker room talk wasn’t all too friendly?”

“Maybe not your usual idea of friendly,” and Rin surges forward, taking your hands into his, when the pair in question struts by and casts both of you a nasty glare. Your grip around his bicep tightens and, while he didn’t care too much about beating a bunch of lukewarm competitors earlier, Rin’s fully certain that he wants nothing more than that gold medal and to clear both of your names from accusations right now. 

Piano sounds ring throughout the arena from the speakers, starting with a single word that you’ve both heard countless times during practice. The soft piano notes quickly turn into a somber melody, growing louder with every passing second. The music is beautiful. Haunting, even. Capturing the audience in a trance while Rin prepares you for your first lift.

It’s strange, he thinks. While he’s gotten used to handling you, this is different from every other time. During practices, you’re always carefree and cheerful but, out here, surrounded by cameras and opinions of others that don’t weigh a thing, you’re focused and extremely precise in your form. 

Rin thought he knew your routine. Clearly, he’s mistaken. 

You skate with conviction, confidence, and accuracy. He can understand why you were originally Sae’s skating partner. 

Once you’ve landed back on the ice, keeping up with Rin’s speed, the two of you follow the song’s beat with a smooth series of spins and jumps, each one rotating faster and faster until it feels like the mere audience is just a blurry backdrop in the foreground. 

The final lift jump transitions easily into a simple step sequence before finally ending in a death spiral. Rin has a firm grip on your hand as you begin flattening your body low enough, face barely grazing the ice below, as he pivots you around in lull circles. 

Judging from the sounds from the audience, Rin didn’t need to stay around to know the results of the performance. The roars, chants, and the standing ovation from them is enough to make out the outcome but, for your sake, he’ll stick it through.

You both glide through the last few seconds of the short program, focusing on nothing but the music and remaining movements. Finally, the music notes fade out and the two of you come to a rest in the middle of the rink, the final position has Rin tipping your body backwards with your arms wrapped loosely around his neck, as if you both were reaching for something just out of your grasp. 

Thunderous roars ring in his flushed ears and you’re shooting him a look, eyes glassy and lips parting, possibly saying some sort of praise, but Rin can’t seem to focus. He’s too lost in thought, too distracted by the tenderness of the performance, the flashing lights, the way your chest is heaving in rapid waves, and didn’t realize he had been holding in his breath until you pulled him into a tight embrace.

Everything is just about perfect. Every jump, lift, and spin. He can already imagine the gold medal around his neck, and the thought of winning gold at the Grand Prix only makes the rest of his blood course through his veins faster.

Being a professional athlete again is… exhausting. 

Rin spends the following day in back to back conferences and being introduced to people. Most of them end up being unremarkable and forgettable. A couple of them are rude and eccentric, with one guy in particular honing down Rin in a corner and bombarding him with questions both surrounding his performance last year and his personal life. You and Sae had to step in to diffuse the situation before Rin blew a hole in his career again. 

By the end of the night, Rin debates whether he should switch careers because this shit is absolutely not for him. It’s no surprise to anyone that Rin hates being around people and this night he’s probably escaped to the restroom maybe about five times to catch a breather. And, while Rin is not the type to exactly care about his image, he absolutely does a full body inspection in the full body mirror every time before he steps back out. Each time he revisits a new wrinkle line forms.

And his brother hasn’t told him when it’ll be over.

Rin’s hands twitch after another self-proclaimed journalist finishes up a half-ass interview about his latest goals for this year. He pulls out his phone when they suggest giving out their contact information and Rin just zones out, tapping away gibberish in his notes app and nodding until they finally went away. 

He feels like he’s going to vomit and pass out if this goes on any longer.

“You look like you’re about to freak out,” and of course, you have the decency to point that out as he’s made the fruit salad section his little hideaway spot. Turns out people really dislike any sort of fruit dishes at these fancy events. 

“I’m not,” Rin muffles back, mouth stuffed with various chunks of honeydew and grapes. Even if it is true, he’ll never admit it, but it also does suck that he's stupidly easy to read. “The food just sucks here, that’s all.” The fruit isn’t that bad. Maybe just the strawberries. 

“Whatever you say, partner,” you roll your eyes playfully, almost giggling at the nickname before taking a sip from the glass of champagne in your hands. “If you want, we can sneak out of here and explore the city.” It’s a suggestion but, from the way you’re smiling, Rin picks up that he can’t wiggle his way out of it. 

But he tries anyway.

“Do you even know your way around?” He sounds vaguely concerned. 

Sure, it’s been approximately two months since you’ve crashed and turned his life a complete 180, but you’re still new to the area and very much new to the country. Rin’s heard you picked up basic phrases from his brother to get around but it’s still nearly not enough to go and explore, especially late at night. And, rightfully so, he doesn’t plan on babysitting while you waltz around half tipsy off your mind after winning first place.

You fake a wound over your chest and gasp, hiccuping soon after. “I have maps on my phone! I already pinned and favorited a bunch of cute stores we can check out.”

Rin doesn’t know why you even bother throwing him into the equation considering it’ll clearly be stores you’ll like. 

“And where exactly do you think you’re going?” Sae’s sauntering over, a half empty glass of wine in hand, and his movement is a little sluggish, but he’s probably the only few sobered up person in the room aside from Rin. 

“Out,” you reply with a casual shrug, as if Sae’s supposed to be satisfied with the answer. 

“Out...” Sae echos before flickering his sudden sharp gaze over to Rin. He feels himself straightening up before he realizes. “You guys still have to make your statements to the press, you know that, right?”

“Can’t we do it after we get back?” You quickly dismiss Sae’s annoyed scrunch with a quick waft of a hand. 

Rin really doesn’t want to stand in front of a bunch of drunken and overly zealous journalists right now if he doesn’t have to. The idea of visiting a few late night street vendors might just be his highlight for today. 

“Hey,” Sae’s agitated voice snaps him out of his daze. “Are you seriously going out?” 

Instead of providing his brother a proper answer, Rin takes a hold of your hands and throws his jacket over your bare shoulders. You were complaining earlier about losing yours, and the last thing he wants is a drunk and cold skating partner in the middle of the streets of Nagano.

2024 — NAGANO: JAPAN FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS

Posted 16 hours ago 278,293 views

Comments 543

[niCOnii] - 10 hours ago All these rin haters from earlier can eat my socks because i knew he would comeback!!! his partner ain’t half bad either tbh View 30 replies [klnen2003] - 9 hours ago GO TO THE VIDEO AT 4:45 and see how Rin looks at Y/N!!! There’s definitely something there, right??? View 12 replies [YOICHISAGI OFFICIAL] - 9 hours ago Can’t wait to see Rin Itoshi and Y/N L/N compete at the Grand Prix this year!! Let’s catch up sometime! View 154 replies [jiroMark8734] - 8 hours ago I dunno… isn’t it weird how they swept everyone else tho? Can’t tell me that they’re both not taking anything lmao [my_skates_my_life] - 7 hours ago Congrats to everyone for winning!! And thank you so much for posting this. LOVE FROM ARGENTINA!! [merhaba234] - 7 hours ago Rin’s always doing the same level type program both in technique and artistic. It’s refreshing to see something new!

TAGLIST - OPEN

@anurst @blissblossom @genneii @wooasecret @chaosinanutshell @kaiserkisser @rroxii @takotakigum @jaynawayna @peachesncats @sseishiross @izumi-astra-123 @sereniteav @pokkomi

a/n: im crawling on the ground,,, if anyone knows me: i love making rin suffer but please know its in a loving way. is his brother hotter? yeah. but does his brother have a sad backstory? yeah probably. either way, i love working w men with sibling complexes and his whole design basically oozes with melodrama. rin!!! you are gonna be in it for a surprise next chapter!! also apologies for the late update everyone hehe i dont have a set schedule for everything ;-; and my mind runs either at 500 miles an hour or 0 miles. as of late, life has gotten in the way of things and maybe i do need to stick with some sort of plan to make myself ... less stressed when creating content :> anyways, i love you guys!!

#blue lock #bllk #blue lock imagines #bllk x reader #blue lock x reader #itoshi rin #rin itoshi #itoshi rin x reader #rin itoshi x reader #blue lock x female reader #cw: depression #cw: mental health

[discountenancer]

Here’s why Jasnah and Hoid is a great ship:

It’s not a ship.

It’s a stopgap.

I think Jasnah and Hoid do, on a personal level, enjoy each other. I do not think Brandon is writing them to last, and that’s intentional.

Jasnah finds Hoid to be an intellectual equal—“after all this time” implying she has never encountered someone who could be on her level before. She finds him “fascinating”. She needs his knowledge to save her planet and people. She doesn’t trust him. The text says this directly.

Additionally, they’ve been ‘together’ for what can’t be more than a few months. I don’t remember how long between Oathbringer and ROW, but it’s not long. People don’t fall in love that fast, and both Jasnah and Wit are too smart and risk-averse to let themselves do such a thing. They are not in love. They are doing a very strange form of dating, on top of which they are facing down Odium. No walks in the menagerie for them, just a constant barrage of stressors on all sides. They are under a great level of stress and not doing anything remotely close to courting or dating, physical affection from Hoid aside. Jasnah doesn’t even call him Hoid, so it’s unclear if he’s divulged that name to her despite telling Dalinar and Kaladin, who forgot or refuse to use it. The text is clear that he has told her some things about himself, like not being Alethi, using some power of physical transformation, and being immortal, but she’s stymied on anything else. I don’t think she’s the sort of woman who would insist on calling him Wit in private if she knew a more personal name, but I could be wrong.

So: Jasnah needs Hoid as an ally, needs his vast knowledge of all things Odium/Rayse, and perhaps fancies him as a future partner (“curious how the relationship would develop”). She doesn’t seem to be betting on Hoid 4 Life, but is enjoying the comfort it provides in the moment.

What does Hoid get from this?

First, he gets his dick wet. Jasnah’s canonically very beautiful. The benefit there is obvious.

Secondly, he gets to influence her decisions. He is shifting the boulder to roll in the direction he wants. Hoid is after something, and we don’t know what it is. I do genuinely believe he wants Odium contained—having a God roaming around the universe who wants Hoid specifically to die would doubtlessly be a big ol’ wrench in whatever his plans are. Hoid can do his work much more effectively at Jasnah’s side than on his own. He gets into the Big Important Meetings and knows all of the Plans being made. He gets to cast his vote. Jasnah takes his opinions into consideration.

They are both deriving an immense benefit from their relationship. Don’t let the sex fool you into thinking it makes what they have deeper than it is—as an ace person, I believe Jasnah sees sex as a necessary compromise in maintaining the relationship (“she could provide the intimacy he desired….this was not a new experience for her”). This is unsurprising. Sex is a small price to pay for, uh, saving the planet from an enemy you only recently learned exists and also happens to be the god of hate incarnate.

Brandon has said of the pairing "Wow, that's a really great and a really terrible match all at the same time, and that's what I'm looking for, in a lot of ways.”

Great match for intellectual brains and snark. Terrible match because something is being set up under the pretense of what we are assuming is a sloppy last-minute ship randomly set up in the second half of ROW.

There’s a WOB about how Jasnah and Hoid perceive power—I cannot find it, so here’s the paraphrase I’m drawing on:

“we should be concerned about how both Hoid and Jasnah view power and that’s what drew them together”.

Jasnah and Hoid are creatures of philosophy. Jasnah values the masses over the individual and Hoid values the individual over the masses (“[he] is legitimately empathetic to the individual”; telling Dalinar he would watch Roshar burn to get what he wants while devoting time and risk to helping various characters through rough spots). This is where their attraction to power and how they subsequently use it will put them at odds. They do not have the same goal, though they don’t know it—or perhaps Hoid does already, but is playing the game. Jasnah wants to save Roshar. Hoid wants to save Roshar, but more importantly, as he’s said, he wants to save his own interests.

Jasnah is brilliant, but I do think Hoid is conniving enough to manipulate her. “Yes, he did seem genuinely fond of her. He said it had taken him by surprise as much as it had her” (ROW 99)—this does not mean romantic relationship. It could. It could also mean a general fondness, like a dear friend. We have not seen Hoid or Jasnah exactly palling around with anybody on their own. We don’t know if they’re awash in good judies. They are two very smart people burdened with difficult tasks. Jasnah didn’t like Wit when we first saw them interact. Now they get along and playfully banter. That’s some unexpected fondness for sure. Trauma bonding, baby! It’s a hell of a drug!

Jasnah and Hoid are not fated to be together. They’re not supposed to be convincingly in love, because they aren’t. They are together purely by circumstance and their time is largely consumed with trying to stop Odium or Jasnah picking Hoid’s brain for her scholarly pursuits. Their relationship is, for now, enabling them to tackle the task in front of them. They are together for now, to save Roshar for now. After the battle of champions in SA5, it’s anyone’s guess—mine is that Jasnah will use what she’s learned against him somehow, and he will oppose her directly in pursuit of his own unnamed goal.

There will come a day where they realize the next obstacle they face is each other. They are locked in an embrace with knives in their hands.

TL;DR: Jasnah and Hoid are not in love and it’s okay if you don’t think they’re a good match, because they aren’t, and Brandon has said as much. Their relationship is setting up a mighty, mighty plot point in the back half of Stormlight.

#stormlight archive #cosmere #jasnah kholin #Hoid #jaswit #hoidnah #LISTEN LINDA LISTEN!!!!!!!!!!

[johnnyloa]

₊˚⊹♡

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓂𝓅𝑜𝓇𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓇𝑜𝓊𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑒

Hi Guys! It’s been a long time since I’ve uploaded here on tumbler and recently I feel like coming back and sharing a few tips about improving your life. I know I used to talk mainly about manifestation but I honestly think that mental health and keeping yourself physically healthy can make such a big difference in your manifesting journey. That’s why I would like to focus on improving your daily life and definitely talk about it more.

💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡

Let’s start with the basics. In the last few weeks (honestly since summer) I had the biggest problems with my sleep schedule. It was really so hard for me to fall asleep at normal time and it was the cause of me not being able to wake up on time and being late to classes everyday. It got to a point that I felt so physically unmotivated in the mornings I didn’t know what to do. Gladly now it’s over because of my morning and evening routines that I’ve created to feel better and do better. It honestly works wonders.

Let’s just assume that your whole day will go according to your morning. Even if u don’t believe that to be true, just imagine what if everything you do right after you wake up had the biggest impact on your day. How would your mornings look then? What would you do to have the best day ever? How would you manage your time? What things would you use to make waking up and getting ready the most pleasurable thing? Just try that for a few days and you will see the difference in your mood.

If your a heavy sleeper like me and it’s hard for you to get up in the morning, you should pay attention to your evening habits as well. I think one of the biggest part of ideal morning routines is a well constructed evening routine and sleep schedule. It makes your morning more enjoyable, since you don’t have to clean your room, pick your outfit or pack your bags. It’s a game changer as it makes your morning less stressful and more easygoing. So it’s good to remember that morning and evening routine go hand in hand and are not two separate things as you may think. They complete each other and work together.

Making morning/evening schedules:

I think you should make your to do lists as much aesthetically pleasing as you can. It will make you look at them a lot more and actually enjoy the process of making it. One of the best app to use for that kind of planning is Notion. It’s not only very easy to use but at the same time it has so many free features that you can easily use as you want. If your more of a lazy person and you’re not into spending your precious time on doing such lists you can download ready planners from the internet and just fill them out according to your needs. Go on Pinterest and search some examples of notion pages - I kid you not it’s so fun to make them and personalize them your gonna love it.

So what to actually put into your morning to do list? Here are some examples of my favorite things to do right after I wake up. But first you need to figure out how much time do you have before leaving your house. This way it will be less problematic to come up with how much time you can spend for example on skin care or doing your make up. There are also some essentials that I think you must allocate your time into such us making your bed (it subconsciously makes you believe that you already started doing your daily tasks and it will be much easier for you to go on with them) and other basic routine things as keeping your hygiene up as it will make you feel already good in the morning.

So one of the most important things in the morning routine are:

skin care and other basic hygiene needs

picking outfit according to the weather

packing my bag (I hate doing it the day before)

praying and setting intentions for the day

repeating some of my favorite affirmations

making myself breakfast and something to drink

When I’m done with all of those things I should be good to go. But there are actually some other things that you could do if you have more time. Sometimes if I have classes starting later than usual and I still want to wake up at the same time to keep my waking up hours streak I can do some of additional things listed below:

meditation

journaling

planning whole day ahead

deeper cleaning of my room

reading a book

taking a refreshing shower

You might also give yourself more sleep time. I don’t think it’s a bad thing although it can become that when you do it too often. So be responsible and don’t do it every morning.

My next post will be about evening routine and managing your sleeping schedule! ₊˚⊹♡

See ya! 🤍🩵

#morning vibes #morning coffee #morning routine #evening routine #skincare #sleep schedule #mental health #law of assumption #manifesting #neville goddard #states #barbie #it girl #it boy #self love #self care #self improvement #self healing #self concept #improving #positive mental attitude #planning #to do list #day planner #habbits #atomic habits #affirmations #journaling #journal #ariana grande

[enneamage]

please share what new insights you have on 9s :) i find it hard to recognize 9s who are high energy like karl jacobs and tubbo especially

It’s the high-energy thing I've been grappling with recently, actually! It used to trip me up too, usually my bindspot would be the higher energy 9w1s / when they’re generally in manic-workaholic mode (compared the humble minecraft builder slow and steady tinkering), because that tends to be the opposite of what most profiles would expect. 

At the core of most enneagram types usually sits a paradox or two that they swing on, although they’re endlessly multi-faceted on top of that. Sixes get a fear / bravery split, Fives get being real smart / not knowing a dang thing (/j), and Nines get inertia  / flow-state-workaholism. 

High-energy Nines have the workaholic streak of Threes in that they’re inclined to hustle to buy their ticket into the world, socially, systemically or interpersonally. (The difference between this and Three integration is how much consideration they give to what they’re doing, or if the work is just what happens to be in front of them / given to them at the time, as they can struggle to say ‘no.’) They meld with people, but they also meld with workflows, easing into a slipstream of goals and tasks and doing. 

High-energy Nines seem to have a hard time pulling themselves out of the flow state, and can struggle with flowing from thing to thing if they’re stressed or disoriented. It’s a bit of an ADHD caricature at times (regardless if they have it or not) because they can move from distraction to distraction by accidentally putting equal weight on all possibilities and getting lost in the sauce because of it. 

I was kind of resigned to assuming that I would never really intuitively understand what ‘a fear of disconnection’ meant, because according to The Scrolls I’m one of the most naturally remote people out there and threatening me with time separate from the world is like threatening me with a vacation. What I needed to tap into was their drive for feeling and being felt by the world in a grounded way, stimulation itself, something a bit more in the vein of effectiveness. 

Nines tend to believe in their own natural irrelevance (as an ego) in the flow of life. Sometimes it bothers them, sometimes they’re at peace with it– it’s not a fully rational belief, but it’s how they experience themselves and how they sometimes experience others experiencing them. They can be a bit melty at the edges, taking on the perspective of others because they’re magnetized to that outside input to some degree. Some of them can be very naturally selfless and invest in other people both for their own enjoyment and to go along with something that feels like it has gravity, pulling them into that slipstream again. 

On the flip side, it can also give them a complex to try and make up for their sense of irrelevance, to try to build or find something to hold onto so they’re not lost to the void of the world and their own psyche. Of all the things it took me way too long to understand, this one is pretty high on the list– what can feel like a life-or-death scrape to feel connected to something (without being fully consumed by it, a thing that some of them might think they want but tend to burn out on.) Because they feel like the tether they’re grasping is so thin, some of them can feel very easily undermined or discouraged. If you take into account the wings delegating how anger goes, you might get a dismissive or bullish Eight wing or a sharp and obsessively self (and other) critical One wing. You might also start to deal with jealousy and envy as they decide that certain things overshadow them naturally or are out of their reach on a count of who they are. Can easily become resentment if they lean into learned helplessness, or thinly veiled passive aggression if they’re trying to be competitive and play peacemaker at the same time. 

That’s a bit of the worst-case scenario, though. Most Nines ‘arrive’ fairly gently, but this accounts for the fringe Nines that almost show up with a vengeance– super amped up and eager to hustle out loud in a way that one usually doesn’t expect from Nines. (But it does come out in little ways in even the milder cases– a covert competitive streak seems to be a guilty pleasure if you put certain games in front of them. They like mastery as much as anyone if the mood is right.) 

If they choose to burn the fuel of “I want to be something to someone / the world” they can naturally turn this energy into an altruistic ambition to have an effect on the lives of the people around them in a positive way. Choosing one particular path might be the hard part, but natural flexibility can back them up as they find their way there. 

#9 tag #at last a wholesome raw information post #Think a fluffy haired anime protag who wants to be the very best but also very nice about it

[jennhoney]

I somehow yet again missed a call from my neurologist. He yet again called me himself. That’s wild for a specialist, I think? Everything is relatively fine. My tests keep coming back normal or close to normal. It’s just that my body isn’t working. I’m almost certain it’s not currently getting worse and it might actually be a tiny bit better very recently. So we decided to wait a month and touch base at the end of August. I have stuff to tell him but I think it can wait and I’m curious to see if I can get a little better in that time.

But I want to tell you and @songbirdstew about the building that my neurologist is in. I think it is a liminal space. Our town has a whole neighborhood called The Medical Quarter and it’s right next to downtown and, not to brag but, I’ve been to a lot of the hospitals and medical offices in the Quarter lately. A LOT. They are all pleasant, bustling, busy places. Except for the building my neurologist is in. This building is right in the middle of everything. It’s between two large hospitals and a ton of other medical buildings. To help paint the picture my cardiologist (and lots of other stuff) is in Med Pavilion 1 and my neurologist is across the street in Med Pavilion 2. But I can’t really tell you what medical Pavilion 2 looks like. I sat and stared out the window at it when they were stopping my heart at my stress test. It’s sort of tucked behind a Firestone. It must be taller than the Firestone but I cannot for the life of me picture it. I have a clear image of the parking ramp. There are always plenty of spaces very close to the door but that’s pretty common for Iowa. We’re a great place to park. Stepping into the building feels like stepping into a very nice, bigger on the inside, empty elevator. This could be explained by it being the overflow building, maybe they aren’t at capacity yet but they anticipate growth. We have a lot of old people. Anyway, this is the building where I was accidentally called back for a mental health check when I was actually there for bloodwork and they quickly realized had “the wrong Jennifer”. But the thing I may not have mentioned at the time was that I was sitting in a big empty waiting room. Not only was there not another Jennifer in there. There wasn’t another soul in there. Medical Pavilion 2 is also not in the MyChart system. Everything else that I’ve done seems to be. I don’t get any reminders about appointments I don’t have any way to verify appointments or reread appointment notes. When I do have to get bloodwork there it goes through some weird journey where they apparently walk it over to the main collection site, a few blocks away, and ask them to book an appointment for the blood they’ve already taken. I know this because once that happens I get a notification that I have a bloodwork appointment in like five minutes but it has already happened in the futurePast that is Medical Pavilion 2. Some such bloodwork came back over two weeks ago. I could see it in MyChart. But I knew something was wrong when I still hadn’t heard anything from the office last week. So I was talking to someone from the office and explained that I had read my report in MyChart and I was pretty sure it said I was normal but I wanted some confirmation from someone that knows what they are doing and she said, “I don’t see it. Did you say you read it in..” and she says a word that I assume is their system but I have never heard in my life and I swear was something like Morpheus or Excalibur. So just before 5 tonight I get a call from my neurologist and I miss it by a second. I keep my phone on mute almost all the time so that wouldn’t be weird except I think I was holding my phone (although not looking at it) and NOW I have a smartwatch that lights up and vibrates on on my wrist when I get calls and texts and I didn’t feel a thing. I only caught the light and motion on my wrist of the words Missed Call fading away. And in the voicemail message my neurologist apologizes for not hearing from him sooner he- “tried to leave a message” on my bloodwork results “but I don’t think it went through”.

So, if I vanish at the end of August for a little while I’m likely on a journey in the Fey realm or some shit.

#Treva says the entire state of Iowa is a liminal place #I don’t think I want OtherJennifer’s life #but I don’t think she would want mine either? #jennhoney personal log #the messages are coming from a liminal space

[thisbuildinghasfeelings]

Carlos saying “I never really thought about it” is the key to this. Because he didn’t! He didn’t think he would have this growing up, and then he didn’t think he would have this bc TK kept trying to die on him, then they broke up, then he had this huge secret. Now everything has settled and it’s just SO true that yeah- he probably didn’t really think about it bc it was never an option for him. So now- they get to think about it and talk about it! I’m excited!!

I think it's likely he hasn't thought about it deeply. There's the fact that he didn't think he'd get to have a life like this until very recently. Growing up, the thought that he was expected to marry a woman and have kids with her was probably, at best, stressful and upsetting to Carlos. Then, after his marriage with Iris fell through, Carlos probably spent years thinking marriage and kids were something he would never even have a chance to consider. He's only relatively recently begun to realize he has the chance to have this kind of life with someone he loves, and much of that time has been spent dealing with various near death experiences and traumas. It's very valid of him to want to spend some time just enjoying being married to TK!

I also think it's pretty likely that Carlos has some other underlying issues here. The way he felt growing up can easily turn into a fear of being a parent himself and a fear that he would make his kid feel as lost and alone as he felt. As someone with anxiety, I can fully related to the tendency to shove stressful thoughts aside and just not examine them too closely. It's very in character for Carlos to have feelings like these and to have simply not dealt with them.

I see some complaints that it's unrealistic that TK and Carlos haven't discussed this before. Personally, it doesn't seem unrealistic to me at all. Yeah, they SHOULD have discussed it, but I can absolutely believe they wouldn't have. I can imagine TK seeing Carlos be great with other people's kids and just assuming that Carlos must want kids himself. I can even see TK making comments indicating that he wants kids or even that he sees himself and Carlos having kids someday and Carlos responding to those comments by saying nothing or changing the subject. That would be classic Carlos deflection.

Carlos now needs to stop deflecting and talk about this, and I have to imagine that this is what the episode is going to be about. They need to have this conversation before they get married, and they are! They love each other and they need to work on their communication, and I think we're going to see that tonight. I'm very excited for the episode!

#anon ask #lone star speculation

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

sorry i haven’t been around recently or replied to messages! i definitely will at some point, i’m just not sure when. i’ve been pretty exhausted recently and unfortunately it’s likely to get worse, so i’ll come back once i’ve played enough totk to heal me

(long version under the cut)

i don’t think i’ve had a worse pride month in a very long time. my family trying to peer pressure me into getting married is nothing new, but it’s been on another level lately. even saying “okay yes fine, i will, just not right now because i’m busy at work” isn’t enough, it has to be SOON and i have to be ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, and it’s stressing me out so much. even worse, my grandparents are arriving from india later today and they’ll be staying for some months, and the last time i saw my grandma in person she told me that “if people don’t want to get married, you have to force them” which scared the life out of me, especially coming from someone who’s usually very chill and content to let me do what i want. (in her very next sentence she immediately started complaining about how two of her friends were getting divorced and wondering why on earth that would happen, which was deliciously ironic. like idk, maybe if you force people to get married when they don’t want to then they’ll get divorced?? come on...)

my mum also told me that i have to tell my grandparents that i’m actively searching and i have to be enthusiastic about it whenever they bring it up, or otherwise they’ll think she’s a bad mother and it’ll all come down on her. i did not want this extra pressure! does no one else find this whole thing so warped? apparently pressuring your queer kid into marriage until they cave in is “good parenting” while letting them make their own life choices because they’re twenty-fucking-six and can decide for themself is “bad”? and my parents KNOW i’m not straight, i’ve been telling them for like a decade already and they kept choosing not to believe me and just assume i’ll grow out of it -- well look, i clearly haven’t, so how about just accepting it instead? this culture (or more like cult) of amatonormativity is strangling me. am i... am i going mad? all my relatives aside from my brother (who is the best brother in the world, bless him) seem to see nothing wrong with all this, am i really the only one? sometimes i wonder if i’m just being selfish but... how is it selfish of me to just, idk, not want to get married or be in a relationship? i’m not telling anyone else not to do it! i show plenty of genuine enthusiasm when my other relatives get married! isn’t it more selfish to force other people to make the same life choices you did even though they’re completely separate from you and what they do has no bearing on you? i’m not even interested in men! you’re asking the impossible of me!

okay i’m going to stop ranting now but i really do feel like i’m going mad, like i’m doing something wrong for existing wrong. i’m so stressed and it keeps getting worse. i do plan on leaving home soon and working in a different country but it probably won’t be for some months yet and i have no idea how i’m going to cope until then when they keep shoving this down my throat all the time. i will come back online at some point, i just... need to not talk to people for some time.

#random stuff #oh i am going to regret oversharing in the morning

[i-am-still-bb]

In the interest of “breaking the stigma” I think I’m just going to name what I’m dealing with outright, because if my husband had had complications from his gallbladder removal in January I would not have hesitated to share that. And I really believe that mental illness should be treated no differently.

(check tags before you click “keep reading”)

On the Monday after Easter (April 10, 2023) my husband told me that his aunt and uncle (S & D) were coming over to take him to the hospital. I asked why and I assumed it had soemthing to do with the emergency gallbladder removal surgery that he had at the very end of January. He told me that he had been thinking about killing himself. And that he has thought about it off and on for years. I learned no more in that moment because S and D arrived to take him to the E.R. He was admitted to a Crisis Stabilization Unit (CSU) that night. It was voluntary, but underthreat of the pink slip (sectioned / involuntarily committed). 

I felt like someone hit me over the head with a 2x4. I knew that something was wrong, because he’d been acting really weird since I arrived home from Sacramento (April 2) and he had been acting weird for a while. I had expressed my desire for him to stop taking the Adderall that he had started taking in early February because that was really the only thing I could see that had changed in recent months. (Doctors have since told him to stop taking it.)

On Tuesday I found his journal and found out that he had intended to attempt suicide on Easter if he could get out of coming to a family event with my son and I. Why Easter Sunday? Because of that family thing. Some of my family lives 2.5hrs away, so my husband would have a guaranteed 8hr window at least. And if that failed (which it did) he intended to try on Wednesday April 12th in the 1hr window from when I leave for work at 10:30 and when he has to pick up our son from school at 11:30.

The rest of that journal was basically a log starting on the previous Wednesday (April 5) (actually the same day that he had a therapy appointment) of all the things that were wrong in our relationship. How he views it as a failure. That he thinks there is nothing left to salvage. And more. That document is thousands of words long. I skimmed because I could not stand to read it. 

He did reveal these thoughts and plans (only the Wednesday one) to S and D on Saturday April 8th. On Monday the 10th he messaged S something that alarmed her and prompted the immediate trip to the E.R.

While he was in the CSU he was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and Bipolar 2. That last one is pending because if Bipolar is diagnosed in an inpatient, emergency setting it should be confirmed in an outpatient setting once the patient is more stable. That appointment is early next week. I guess fingers crossed, but not crossed?

MDD - duh, given the suicidality

CPTSD - I had suspected this for a while

Bipolar 2 - I was not expecting that, I know too much about bipolar to be really optimistic. 50% of bipolar individuals attempt suicide at least once. 40% have a mixed episode meaning that they can have the suicidality of the depression and the focus and drive of the mania making them more likely to plan and attempt to carry out their plan. Their risk of suicide is 30x higher than those with no mental illness. Their life expectancy is 10yrs shorter than the rest of the population. 83% of diagnosed cases are classified as severe. And its unpredictable. You can be stable on meds for years, decades, and then suddnetly you’re not. 

He was released late Monday on April 17th. And he returned to work. Before he was admitted to the hospital he did inform his manager that he was being admitted to the hospital and I communicated with HR while he was in the CSU giving them updates that consisted of that he was feeling better, antsy to get back to work, but still in the hospital. He returned to work on Tuesday the 18th. At end of business on Friday (April 21) they fired him. And given his glowing performance reviews, the amount of money that he had been making the company, the only real reason has to be the hospital stay. (On that note it looks like they’re contesting the unemployment claim.) 

This set him spiralling. He was planning suicide again. And didn’t tell me. Again. I was told that he was an 8/10 (0 being no suicidality or feelings and 10 being that an attempt was imminent) and I tried to help get that number down, but it went up to a 10. On Saturday he was still at a 10. D and I wanted my husband to call a crisis line. D reached out the the CSU and they contacted us. CSU asked my husband if he could come in for an evaluation. My husband agreed (he later told me that if he had been at a 10 in that moment he would not have agreed). D and I thought they would just talk to him, remind him of coping skills, etc. They decided to keep him for 23hrs. D and I were shocked. When they went to admit him the oncall doctor decided that my husband needed a higher level facility (severe suicidal thoughts is what they put down, and my husband disagrees with that, but can’t tell me what he wanted them to put). So the CSU sent my husband to the ER to be evaluated and later transported to a local hospital that has a lockdown wing. Once again it was “voluntary” under threat of the pink slip. He arrived at the lockdown unit Sunday morning. Everyone being admitted is subject to a 72hr hold and at many places weekends and holidays don’t count toward that. They did release him Tuesday morning (so only 36hrs into the 72hr hold). So he’s home again.

And he has barely spoken to me. 

I visited him in the lockdown unit on Monday. And it did not go well. He tried to tell me what to tell the nurse practitioner so they would let him out. I don’t toe anyone’s party line. And I did not respond well, but I tried to. I really tried to remain calm, and explain myself. But he decided that because I wasn’t just rolling over and saying “yes, master, whatever you want” that I didn’t believe him and that I was against him even though I repeated stated that I heard and understood him, and repeated his words back to him. No one is against him. They’re against the illness. I now know that some of this could be part of psychosis, a common symptom of Bipolar and would explain some of the other things like him believing that everything he is doing is wrong and bad. But that could also be the Depression. There is so much overlap between these things, which obviously makes it hard to diagnosis. ADHD, bipolar, CPTSD, and schizophrenia all overlap. But they each have a few things that makes them stand out from the other. but they may overlap as much as 75+%

So that visit did not go well. We pretty much sat in silence for the last 20m of the 45m I was there. And that silence has effectively continued ever since.

He went to group therapy yesterday and then went to S and D’s house without telling me, which, given the present circumstances raised my anxiety levels. Which I already have plenty of. If there’s a negative feeling or emotion I’ve probably experienced it in these past 2.5 weeks (except shame). 2.5 weeks that have aged me years. 2.5 weeks that feel like a lifetime. I’ve screamed, I’ve wailed, I’ve been numb, I’ve cried more tears than I can count, I’ve nearly puked from the emotions. 

And we still haven’t really talked.

And I can’t share anything I’m thinking or feeling with him because as of now the only triggers that he has identified for his suicidality are spilling food/drink, breaking dishes, upsetting me, me crying, or him feeling rejected (by me or by anyone else). Let it be known that I’ve made it very clear over the past decade that I don’t care if something gets broken or spilled. I want to know about it so I can replace the item, and I want the ensuing mess to be cleaned up. 

And as for me rejecting him. I didn’t get him lunch on Saturday because I assumed that he was still asleep. He was still in bed. He looked asleep. And I only got lunch for my toddler, not even myself. But in his mind he twisted that into proof that I don’t care about him or love him. He wrote that in the journal. He wouldn’t tell me that directly because I would get upset. He wrote more in the journal. And it’s pretty much all about me.

I trigger his suicidality. 

I KNOW that it’s the disease talking. But it really binds my hands. I can’t do shit without him taking it the wrong way. If I’m not making eye contact, because I’m trying to create a more comfortable space for him to be in while he talks, it means that I can’t bear to look at him, etc. 

And I know that I have my own things. I grew up with a highly neglectful and emotionally/financially abusive father, took up a lot of responsibility at a young age, had two relationships that had mild to significant levels of coercion when it came to sexual contact. Since our son was born in summer ‘21 I’ve had a lot more problems with anger and resentment. To be honest I probably fall somewhere on the mild end of the spectrum. And I’ve been so burnt out. And each time I expressed a need for my husband to even do basic tasks like putting his socks in the laundry, not letting food spoil on his desk, cleaning his bathroom (there are 3 bathrooms, I hate cleaning bathrooms, I am only cleaning 2), he feels like an absolute failure and wants to die. Forget about asking for help with our child when I’m massively overwhelmed and need a break. 

I am looking for a therapist of my own. 

And we were supposed to start couples counseling this week, but it was Tuesday morning and he wasn’t released in time to make it to the appointment, so it starts late next week. But I feel like most of our problems stem from the Depression. Him taking my face/words/actions the wrong way, his inability to do basic tasks (this is not new, he has been like this at least since August 2014), are all probably linked to the diagnoses. And I’m sure there are things about me that he wishes I wouldn’t do or would do. And I have asked that question explicitly several times. And I don’t get an answer. Because he doesn’t want to upset me. 

Leading up to this event I was asking him what was wrong. But the same thing happened that always happens. He just shut down and stared at me. And I would keep asking and trying to engage in different ways. And then I would lose my shit and yell. And then he would tell me something. And then we’d talk about it; and it was usually something ridiculously minor that he had blown out of proportion. And now I think he was in a suicidal place each of those times and he just threw me a bone to make me shut up. And now I don’t feel like I can trust him. But that’s something to be addressed in couple’s counseling that isn’t linked to mental illness. But he will probably see my mistrust as just another way that he has failed me, another reason why I would better if he weren’t here, so I don’t even think I can share most of this stuff in couple’s therapy because it’s all just going to trigger him. Maybe if we reach a point of stasis? But then I won’t want to talk about it for fear of triggering another depressive episode to begin. 

But to him (I think) I’m somehow I’m just supposed to be who I was on Monday the 10th while I was at work teaching my students about the Impressionists, who I was when I went to the gym after work, who I was blasting music in the car on my way home with the windows down and the sunroof open, who I was in the shower and getting dressed and thinking about what I was going to do with the rest of my Monday, who I was before an atom bomb was dropped in the middle of my life. 

And I’m not.

And I will never be again. 

I’ll be similar, but I’ll never be the same. 

And that upsets me. I have negative feelings about that too. Grief for who I was, grief for what I thought my future was going to be like.

And a grief for what the past was. Because I want to go back to before, but there really isn’t a before. He’s been dealing with this for most if not all of our relationship (we tarted dating in early 2012). And now when memory photos pop up on my phone I can’t help but wonder what he was really feeling, where his mind was. We went on a camping trip late last summer and those photos have been popping up. In each one where my husband isn’t standing or walking somewhere he’s slumped with his head down. And I feel like I can’t have good memories of that trip, because it really looks like he was in the middle of a Depressive phase. Or I can have the memories, but they are now tainted with knowledge that I did not have at the time. 

--

I am trying to take proactive steps. I’m looking for my own therapist to help me deal with this trauma that is likely to be ongoing, but also the anger and stuff. I also have a small worry that what is going to probably going to prove to be a repeated trauma is going to trigger something in me because my dad and his biological mother probably have/had undiagnosed mental illnesses.

I’m reading books about suicidality so I learn about it, but also so I can learn what I can do to help and support.

I have books about bipolar and CPTSD that are on my list. 

I agreed with no hesitation to the couples counseling. (I actually thought my husband would be the most resistent to this given his opinions on mental illnesses or having problems that require therapy/counseling meaning that you are broken, but I guess that may have changed and that is a good change.)

I’m taking a seminar with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

My husband and I have a meeting with a NAMI coordinator on Friday (he hasn’t yet told me if he’s going or responded to my calendar invite). 

I’m considering going to some of their support groups for friends and family if I can make it work with childcare.

I’ve gone to church more in the past 2.5 weeks than I have in the last decade. I’ve been thinking more about mindfulness and trying to let go of desire because the desire is causing suffering. Religon has returned for me, I guess. 

But I’m pretty helpless in this situation. And I’m trying to accept that if he wants to he will find a way to end his life no matter what I say or do. And if he does attempt and complete, its not my fault even if it feels that way. 

--

EDITTED TO ADD: And now that I have legitimate reasons to be worried about his safety he keeps turning his location sharing off. We share our locations with each other. And it really only gets used to see “are you still at X? if so I have a question / request, but if you’re not there anymore, its no big deal” or “are you on your way home with dinner?” It was on earlier today when I used it for the first reason. He’s in the neighboring city visiting his grandma. Our rat needs something from the vet, but I don’t want my husband to be agitated if I ask for him to stop by the vet and he was already on his way home. I can probably call them tomorrow and pick it up on Saturday morning, but if he’s 5m away now it would make sense to do it now rather than me driving 30m there and back on Saturday morning.

(Location sharing is also what kept me from calling the police and ERs on April 8th when he was at D and S’s house. He left for a martial art around 11, told me he was eating with a friend around 1:30-2. And then wasn’t home until after midnight. I started to get worried when it was after 4 and he wasn’t home. But I saw that he was at D and S’s house so I wasn’t particularly worried.)

So I check his location. He’s still at his grandmother’s. I send the text. It’s short enough that the preview would probably show him the whole thing, so no big deal if it’s not “read.” I check a bit later to see if he’s “read” the message or responded. Nope. He’s been gone for 3hrs now and I check to see if he’s on his way home. So I know whether or not to add the perscription only rat food stuff to my to do list. And his location is turned off. WTF.

So he saw my message. Didn’t respond. And turned location sharing off. Thanks. That makes me feel great. Does he want me to be upset? Does he want me to bring this up? I’m not going to because I don’t want agitate him or myself. I’m getting so tired of the passive aggression. Just tell me your pissed. 

#personal #mental illness #depression #mdd #cptsd #bipolar #bipolar 2 #suicide #suicidal ideation #anger #long post #psychosis

[rosyjuly]

Sorry…ma’am…excuse me…but did you say Prince George attends an event and meets Mr Hamilton…and Mr Hamilton’s husband????? W h a t? Please I’m begging you I need a little more clarity on that. What do mr Hamilton and his darling husband do?? Is it Sir Hamilton in this universe as well?? Does George watch them openly hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek and Sebastian(I assume??) sweep his husband into a waltz and want to die from envy and wondering what it would feel like to be able to love so freely??? 😭

anon thank you SO much for allowing my joker moment about prince au - seb/lewis version oh my god! (gifset and tags in question here)

so mr lewis hamilton (he will be sir, but is mr just yet) is a philanthropist: he runs a sports charity, dabbles in fashion, is a UN ambassador. his husband, a herr sebastian vettel (you assume correctly) is a university professor focusing on environmental/sustainability development.

they met years ago at a fancy reception hosted about “social issues” where lewis was invited for his activism and seb because he teaches environmental governance and is a big deal in international advocacy. the keynote speaker stressed the importance of collaboration and listening to experts in the field and then handed off the mic and ‘unfortunately had to leave for an engagement arranged prior’. seb made an offhand comment about how politicians still don’t know how to practice what they preach and lewis snorted into his champagne flute. they had been aware of each other before but never really talked: but during this event they gravitated back to each other throughout the evening, having the time of their life, slyly exchanging info and gossip. 

anyway! back to our dashing prince. so he goes to this gala without charlotte (who’s abroad, visiting family or a girl’s trip). jenson is a few steps behind him as always, he's talking to lewis, discussing the recent developments of lewis's sports charity.

and then a guy appears with two glasses of champagne, passing one to lewis with a quick kiss and a casual "it's vegan, i asked." and lewis huffs amusedly, leans closer to george and says "please excuse my husband, sir, he's german," like they are sharing a joke. and george has to work VERY hard on his eyebrows not shooting up to space. his husband. his HUSBAND. so casually. and he can’t ignore the proprietary hand with the glinting gold on lewis's waist. like it's allowed.

and then george has this reflexive internal slap - of course for other people maybe. insane that they’re just, out here, being - out. but good for them, obviously. it’s just not for him, whether he wants it or not. and anyway. however regal lewis looks in his red suit, he is a commoner. george should have noticed the ring on lewis’s finger or read the brief more carefully. he should’ve known. and then he and seb shake hands and the wedding band burns like a brand against george’s skin. 

he’s never? seen a gay couple at these events. or maybe he just didn’t notice but. unlikely. maybe they were better at keeping things under wraps because mr hamilton and mr vettel really are unbothered. seb asks the waiters about every single hors d'oeuvre: is it vegan? he disappears from time to time to chat with a policy advisor or a minister, his smile like a shark as he follows up about public policies promised but never delivered. and there’s of course live music in one of the corners and george has this horrible, open view of when lewis and seb are just about to leave and then lewis pulls seb close and leads him through a few steps, laughing easily. seb is a bit clumsy but gracious about it, kisses lewis’s fingers after and then they step out of the room, still holding hands.

#i actually really want to write this in proper fic form so hopefully this is going to serve as a good outline!!!! #please if you have aaaaany and i do mean any other questions do ask #shoutout to gabby who welcomes all my blorbos very enthusiastically #sewis #prince au #rosy.ask #prince au sewis

[espresso-lessdepresso]

HEYYYYY GIRL!!!!! its me anon sofi after SO LONG, I’ve already finished my first semester so I just started winter vacations yeyy (bc here in Argentina is winter and super cold lmao) sososo I’m going to catch up with everything you’ve written and cheer you on. Let me tell this month was SO stressful, with finals and all, but thank god I got the best grades (your girl is smart, got a total of 9,5 this semester（＾ν＾) ). Still, im very tired BUT I got the best writer in the world in front of me who put out a fic while I was gone, which means I’m gonna get relaxed and read it cause I know it’s going to be the very best ever. Now lets stop talking about me and TELL ME ABOUT YOU!!!! How’s your day?? How are you?? What are you up to??? Have you listened to a new song or discovered a new artist??? Watched a good movie recently?? Tell me everything and anything. I’ll read allll of it, even if it’s 15k words, I’ll take my time and read every single letter. You’re amazing and it makes so happy seeing so content and energetic, you have no idea. Remember to take care of yourself, stay safe and ilysmmmmm. Sending you goodie vibes all the way from here to wherever you are (⌒▽⌒) ♡

Helloooo anon soffiiii ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝

This is going to be a bit of a long one~

 It has indeed been a very long time since we last talked!!! [though much to my fault I've not been good at answering at the moment] I hope your vacations go well and that you’ve got some fun plans for the winter [which I should add is the best season in my opinion]. I'm a big soup enjoyer so I hope you get some good soup in your system to keep you warm. 

I have not written much since my ‘return’ [if can even call it that], but I hope you enjoy it. There is a very late Valentine’s Day post with schlatt, a part two of the Charlie fic and two Ted headcanons [head canons, me doing hcs? crazy. maybe I might get into it].

Im assuming that the 9.5 is out of a whole marking of 10? I’m thoroughly impressed just have to say, you are indeed a very smart girl, especially in college since many [including me] are just trying to get by with passing grades. It’s nice to see when someone works hard and gets the fruit of their labour- you did amazing, proud of you dude ☆ദി ᷇ᵕ ᷆ )☆

As for me, I find myself still getting back into writing, like im walking up a steep hill to get back to where I used to be. I don’t know, I feel like I’m not writing the same as I used to but maybe that’s all in my head. Fun fact, I often read a lot before I write- sure I may only read horror, but it helps get the brain juices flowing. I’ve been pretty occupied with personal stuff and college and my brain not braining, which isn’t super fun to talk about so I’ll just skip that. Other than that, I’ve been playing quite a few games when I’m in the need to procrastinate. My goodness- I’ve had sessions where I play for 8-ish hours straight of Terraria or Stardew Valley. It’s not the healthiest, I know, my discord buddies have given me earfuls and many scolding as if I were a little child because of this (ᐡ ᐧ ﻌ ᐧ ᐡ) But in my defence, it’s so easy for me to play for hours because I have some Jaiden or Schlatt vod playing on another screen so the vibes of that gaming sessions are immaculate. I sit on the chair with my little blanket, water and a snack, one earphone playing the game sounds and the other is playing the vod, the lights are dim and everything is so cozy. 

Oh, I’ve also been drinking these days. I never thought of touching alcohol in my entire life but here I am. I’ve been occasionally drinking some whiskey, which is considered a big boy drink for someone like me, a noob. But that is the only alcohol I can get my hands on. My mother does not know of my drinking and is promptly against it so I have been very careful with how much I drink. I do not condone drinking btw. I simply feel very silly when I do. Here is a little breakdown of how drinking affects me. When I’m two shots in, I start feeling it pretty quick. I drink between 5 to 10 shots and the way it affects me is by giving me a debuff of movement accuracy. Being a very articulate person, I have not been slurring when drunk. But I am walking a little silly lol, and swaying a little. Does this make me a lightweight? I have no frame of reference. But yeah, I think that was the most interesting and/or significant thing I’ve done.

It's always a pleasure hearing from you, our interactions are nothing less than sweet and its always welcomed. I hope you enjoy your vacation. Remember to take care of yourself and stay safe as well! Sending all the good vibes back to you ♡♡♡ ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و ♡♡♡



[This is an answer to an old ask, written 8th April ( ˊᵕˋ ; ) I did not send it back then bc my brain was, unfortunately, giving me a hard time] 

I hope you're doing well. I read your post asks (which was so so long ago im so sorry) and I hope you've found a new apartment. Since you mentioned Argentina's summer being so suffocatingly hot, you should be drinking ample amounts of water throughout the day. Where I live, it gets ridiculously dry and hot during the summer, so I keep quite a few bottles of water near my desk. Being in college myself, third year for me, trying to stay on top of all my classes is difficult but so rewarding at the same time. Almost too many people have said this but it's true, time management is everything. And of course, giving yourself breaks is important as well to not burn yourself out. You have truly been so sweet to me, even when I have failed to write and post anything for months, so I thank you very much. It is hard to come by such kindness on the internet.

#❄mail❄ #anon sofi

[roystory4]

i’m getting back into the swing of things w/ art but ive definitely been more active on twitter in the past than here... so i guess quick recap on tua. if ur here and dont know about tua here’s your chance to have an ounce of context for the sheer wealth of OOC shit i’m always posting about

ok so whereas fallout 4 has you starting in sanctuary as nate and nora w a newborn, tua’s story (weary exile, bright heart/webh) starts w her living w her sister in an apartment in lexington. tua’s sister, miriam, is a military vet working as a pharmacist, and tua is a legal secretary for defense law office in south boston (in the general area of where the federal public defenders office is IRL). tua is also four months pregnant - it was kind of a surprise pregnancy from a past relationship, and she experiences a lot of dysphoria from it. they don’t really have a maternal instinct and have never really wanted kids.

tua had just recently started living w miriam, who she did not grow up with. shortly after miriam was born, their mother took her and moved back to california to be closer to her family (they are originally from oaxaca, and is mixteco). tua then grew up w her dad - who had been in the process of relocating the family to upstate new york to have his own farm - who also eventually just disappeared. after leaving active duty in alaska, miriam sought out tua and found them living in boston, and the two of them reconciled. shortly afterward tua found out that they were pregnant and miriam offered to raise the baby as her own with her own partner (yasmin) who was still on active duty. this was kind of a relief for tua but also not really - the whole experience was really isolating and uncomfortable. at that time you could be fired for being pregnant and tua’s job is their whole life.

at some point they win a lottery with vault-tec to be admitted to vault 111. miriam entered the lottery without telling tua because tua has a lot of distrust of vault-tec (she works in criminal law but the corporation is Very much involved in civil law) and, as they are to find out later, sanctuary was the social experiment and they were the wild cards of it. (what would be inferred upon entering vault 112 is that tranquility lane was basically the follow-up to sanctuary’s real-life, actual setting)

because they were added on, tua and miriam were listed at the end of the roster, and placed away from the group as part of the experiment. however, this just meant that when the institute was hunting around for viable DNA to use for the gen-3 project, they made their way through the rest of the neighborhood - taking some back to the institute, while selecting “samples” from the remainder before disposing of them - before making it to miriam first. as it worked out, miriam fought back, was murdered, and the institute retreated to re-evaluate the  test. around this time the brotherhood of steel made an assault on the institute, won (barely), and so the institute never came back for tua. the power failed in the vault, quick-thawing tua, and she was able to escape - sick, weak, but alive

so then tua has to try to figure out what happened to her sister (she assumes miriam fled) while also dealing w the stress of pregnancy alone. theres a couple reasons i decided to go this route instead of making tomás miriam’s kid... one, i like the idea of a post-apocalyptic marge gunderson. two, i like the idea of having a non-cis pregnant character thats not steeped in weird “feminimity/womanhood” shit. and lastly i just think its a cool concept to have a post-apocalyptic, cryogenically-stored individual who is pergerant and has to learn to survive in this brand new world, helped along by an old robot. i just think thats a neat sci-fi concept.

this is all kind of fucked later when she has to undergo when in rome/vault 112, because braun - drawing on her memories - knows that tua had a child, but cannot reconcile her experience w/ his prewar ideals. so hes sticking them into tranquility lane/sanctuary as a happy doting housewife and its so bizarre tua consistently figures out that its a simulation. tua is probably at a better point then to handle the discomfort of it all - but then there’s the added element of nick being adjacent, so when braun’s forcing them along the plot of “get to diamond city to find out who murdered your husband!!!!!” and nick’s there going to bat with anything that even looks at tua weird, tua’s kind of having to cope w the fact that. nick’s kind of living out his wish of being able to help her during a really shitty part of her life.

there’s a lot of drama w that au but yeah here we are. tua’s post-apocalyptic marge gunderson but its not all wood chippers and violent mercs and homicide. there is also a doting fella who jumpstarts her car and makes sure they eat breakfast and brings them arbys

#txt #vaultblogging

[mx-piggy]

I’m in the middle of my A level exams, and as much as I’m too burnt out to revise for them all that much, I can’t help but feel a looming sense of dread about them, nor can I wait for them to be over, even if it is in the knowledge that I haven’t done well in most of them.

In recent times, I’ve realised how miserable I truly am. I know I’m far too young to give up on the pursuit of happiness, and I am actually motivated to get through this last stressful part of school and see what’s next for me. Maybe I will fulfil my dream of becoming a writer. Maybe I’ll go to university. Maybe I’ll get a good job. Maybe not. Unfortunately, this ‘maybe, maybe not’ attitude isn’t something that comes naturally to me (I assume I have some kind of disorder), but I’m working on it.

I really hope that, without school, I’ll be able to get to a place where I can just be content with real life and the world around me. Spending the majority of my life so far in education- paired with the fact that my social life thus far has been very limited- has made my view of achievement and satisfaction and even myself so myopic that I imagine my worldview will shift drastically when I’m outside of that system. I’ll be able to enjoy my time without the looming, all-consuming dread of school and/or homework.

I only realised not long ago how school is very much like some kind of limbo. It’s like you’re preparing to live, as opposed to actually living the first two decades of your life. For me at least, it feels like I haven’t actually had a chance to live yet.

While I feel like school is about to destroy me and I feel like I’ll be letting so many people down by prioritising my own mental state over driving myself mad over these stupid exams, I am looking forward to being done with it and starting anew and figuring out what I want to do for myself, rather than doing what’ll make my head of sixth form look the best.

#personal #a levels #uk #school #sorry that this is really meandering and repetitive #i just needed to vent

[alyjojo]

Love Reading 🤩 - April 2023 - Aquarius

Singles:

Overall energy: The Magician

How you will meet: 7 Wands rev

How they will treat you: Ace of Cups

Long-term Potential: Ace of Swords

Oracle: Busy Transcending Bullshit 🌈 & Breathe

You know this person loosely, they are a past connection, but I don’t think anything actually happened with this person before. There is a lot of “new” energy here with these Aces, 111 may mean something for you. 666 is here too, and that’s not evil unless you think it is 😈 6’s are about harmony and striving for balance either in yourself, life, or a connection. Equal, both. Distance seems to be a big factor between you and this person, one of you will be recently out of something when you hear from them again. There are messages between you, and even some deep bonding & truths, one of you is the shoulder for the other one to vent on. They will try, flirt, bring up could this maybe be something? You may entertain it for a minute, or think about it, but long term, I don’t see this going anywhere beyond conversation. Whoever is hurt needs time to get over this. They’re probably a better friend, if you want that.

Messages -

Their side:

- Darker skin tone

- I love to surprise you 😯

- I’m happy where I am

Your side:

- At a distance

- I’ve moved on

- You fascinate me

Signs you may be dealing with:

Scorpio, Gemini & Sagittarius

Couples:

Overall energy: Queen of Wands

Current: 9 Pentacles & Queen of Swords

Challenge: The World

How they feel about you: 10 Cups

How you feel about them: 9 Swords

Outcome: The Emperor

Your energy is coming up as Queen of Swords, and your person is The Emperor, regardless of gender. You’re dealing with a divine Wand couple that are having issues, could be fire signs, doesn’t have to be. 10 Cups shows these could be family members or someone very close to you. You’re both wrapped up in this drama this month, though they seem more tied to you specifically, with your partner just yanno…supporting from the background waving a white flag 🏳 & trying to be sweet.

Where you’re at currently is complete independence, keeping a balanced mindset and being pretty detached from the emotions of others, you’re ultimately good no matter what happens with 9 Pentacles. King of Wands follows with some nasty arguments, petty actions and “one upmanship”,’ trying to get a dig in or prove a point, at the cost of putting you or someone else down to do that. I assume their Queen of Wands. This Queen has two 9’s attached, she has been through a battle, and she is pleasing herself in whatever way she sees fit, full of confidence and does not “ask permission” to act of her own accord. You’re trying to stay objective about the whole thing, because I don’t get either is necessarily “wrong”. You’re supportive, and communicating, maybe trying to talk the King off a ledge and offer an outside perspective.

The challenge is the end of a cycle, maybe this relationship, or friendship. 6 Pentacles & 2 Pentacles show it’s equal, two cards showing balance being necessary and there is none, everyone is just out for themselves and proving who is right. If both parties can embody 6 Pentacles, equal give and take exchanges…it’s not doomed. How YOUR partner sees you is going through a heavy burden because of this shocking and possibly sudden situation with your family/friends, and your feelings for them are basically the same. They’re stressed out over this whole thing. I do get a lot of love between you and a solid relationship, don’t let others kill your vibes. Your Oracle says to SIT, back off. Be there for people, but don’t let them infiltrate your own thing you got going on.

Your person will ultimately step in and say that, they’re waiting to get their hands on you so they can do something romantic, cute, maybe surprising, and take your attention off whatever this is going on ❤️ Be open to them.

Messages -

Their side:

- Similar Background

- You belong with me.

Your side:

- Romantic 😍

- It’s DESTINY, baby!

Oracles -

Don’t just do something, SIT there!

Their side: If you plant seeds of caring and kindness, before you know it you’ll have a garden.

Your side: Helping others and getting outside yourself can be the most powerful method of soul cleansing.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Gemini, Capricorn, Aquarius, Aries, Virgo & Sagittarius

#aquarius tarot reading #love reading #singles reading #couples reading #april 2023 #free tarot #tarotblr

[littlewitty]

Alairie Persu

Chapter 10

“So, here you are, in the bar, with a hearty dinner, and you cannot even give me a slight smile?” He chimed at me. It had been a few days from my sickness and Clavis had brought me down to the bar in the inn for some dinner after he got back from wherever the hell he had been going to. It was nice to have something hot. In the bowl in front of me, I had a thick, peppery soup with bitesize pieces of carrot, pea and corn along with a toasted bread bun and butter. It was heaven.

“What’s the occasion?”

“I’m simply being nice to you. After all, you were ill. A good breakfast will do you a world of wellness.”

“I thought me sleeping in the bed was you being nice to me. You know, instead of the floor?” Clavis had claimed that I was too weak to be a threat in that situation. I hadn’t seen where he slept. I don’t think he did. He just sat at the vanity table writing like his life depended on it. It worried me.

“No, that was me being a gentleman.”

“Funny. You weren’t a gentleman before.” His smile had been too fake these days. Whatever he was doing when left in the mornings really decayed away at him. He was stressed. That probably was why he wasn’t sleeping much anymore. “How is your mission going? Am I ever going to see life outside our room?” I had only seen the cloudy sky from my window. I wanted to be outside, to feel the damp air of winter and the brutal sting of ice.

“I’m not telling you how it’s going and yes, you will soon.” he replied, eyes conveniently glued to the plate of food in front of him.

“You know, it’s not healthy to stay awake for days on end.” He looked at me. His eyes lit with surprise but a darkness was lurking behind them. I guess he assumed I hadn’t noticed. “You should have a real nights sleep and not cat-napping every now and then. You’ll make yourself ill.”

“You’re concerned about me? Ha! You are my prisoner, remember that.” His last words were like a tonne of bricks. I was his prisoner. I should know my place by now. Something in his eyes recently tugged at my heart. The cheerful, mischievous, deviant Clavis I had taught myself to enjoy was now someone different. Is this what they mean by different sides to people? I knew I ought to stop asking myself pointless questions. It was tiring.

“Well, if you’re finished, we will head back.” He stood up. A cue for me to do the same. We walked in silence up the stairs and through the hallway. We reached our room and walked in.

“Oh! Excuse me! Sir? Madame?” A lady called out to us from the end of the hallway. She gingerly walked our way. “ My boss has told me to inform you that from tonight it’s one bath per room. Any breachers of this rule will be told to leave immediately.” She didn’t meet our eyes. She only wrung her hands together. Poor girl. She looked to only be fourteen. I bet when she told scumbag people these things they got angry and violent towards her. She honestly looked terrified. “There’s been an announcement that they are restricting water usage until the pipes are fixed.”

“The pipes? What’s happened?” I asked softly, trying not to sound intimidating.

“I-I’m not too sure Madame. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.” Clavis shot his eyes to me and then spoke.

“Thank you for informing us.” He replied in very frail Jadean. She nodded her head and then pranced off timidly. We closed the door. “So, I want a bath tonight.”

“You have a bath everynight. I need one. I’ve been ill. You can have one tomorrow.” I demanded before taking the metal tub off the bath hook. I could feel his eyes on me. “Look if you’re suffering so bad, I guess you could share with me.” I smirked his way. I did want to tease him. Or at least try to get him back. I didn’t expect him to smirk back.

“Thanks for the offer. I’ll take you up on it.”

No. So, he wasn’t joking. We had ended up facing away from eachother in the tub. I could feel his warm back against me, his breathing and his heartbeat. Before I could attempt to drown myself, he spoke up.

“Let’s play 20 questions. It’s a popular game over here. I’ll start, did you grow up with any siblings?” I guess this would stop the silence which made this all the more awkward.

“No, I’m an only child. I grew up living with my mother… oh and my step-father.”

“You don’t like him.”

“I did and I didn’t. He was good for my mother. He gave her back a lot of happiness but I feel like he did take her away from me. Instead of going out like a family, my mother went out on dates with him. I ended up staying with my grandmother a lot instead.” Why was I telling him this? “My turn, you obviously grew up with siblings but what was it like growing up with them?”

“Well, let’s see, I grew up with Chev. Our mother’s were close but I hated every second of it. I didn’t really talk as much to the others. You see, as royal children, in the day you are put in private lessons with an appointed tutor and the only time I saw the others was at formal dinners or when I was walking in the gardens with my mother and we ran into one of them with their wet nurse. I used a run into Yves a lot. He has always been a pleasure to prank.” He laughed to himself. It sounded pretty lonely to me. ‘Chev’ had to be the Brutal Beast. Every time he mentioned him he seemed to tense up and shoved an aura of disgust into the air. “You weren’t educated. What did you do in the days then? It just confused me how you weren’t in school. In Rhodolite, Jade and Benitoite, it’s illegal for children to be refused education-”

“-for a certain social class. They don’t really care about the common folk if they aren’t educated. Besides a lot of people keep their children with them at work to teach them the trade. When I was a child, I worked as a ‘Crow Scarer’. Basically I ran around on the crop fields to stop birds eating the seeds and killing the plants. In winter, I ran about with my friends from dawn till dusk doing whatever.”

“Then how are you trilingual?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this. Anyway, it’s my turn.”

“Well, re-tell me, that’s an order.”

“Well, Jadean is quite obvious. My grandparents were from Tanzanite and I spent a lot of time with them. As for Rhodolitian, there was an old man in my village who was all alone. In my free time, I used to help him out with anything he needed and in payment he taught me Rhodolitian. He was from Rhodolite.” He also taught me a bit about the culture too; tea etiquette and mannerisms. I had long forgotten all of that since. “What was education like?”

“Hard. Boring. Pointless… Especially since I still struggle to read and write, even after the countless lectures.

“Why?” He paused. Perhaps he was calculating telling me? Taking in a sharp breath, he then continued:

“When I read… the words move about on the page so it takes me longer than average to finish a book. Longer than Chev, that’s for sure. I used to be left-hand-dominant. My tutor insisted that it wasn’t proper for royalty to write like that so he forced me to write with the right.”

“That’s actually disgusting. You were forced to do things you were bound to struggle with as a child?” He sighed lightly. That’s when I finally realised. This was Clavis talking to me. Not the Third Prince of Rhodolite, not the young Prince Clavis Lelouch, this was true. He was talking to me as a person and not a title or a role. He was opening up. As a dealer, you learnt to read people even without looking at them. I knew he was telling the truth. His breathing was normal. His muscles were relaxed. His voice was liquid smooth like dark chocolate. Nothing indicated he was lying.

“Not unexpected. As a child of the King, I’ve had a reputation to uphold since I was conceived. There is no room for personal problems and little issues in that.” He’s the Third Prince of Rhodolite first, Clavis Lelouch second. It seemed weird but I had fooled myself enough. I had refused to see the humanity in him. Clavis was just like any other human. How could I overlook that? He lied. He suffered. He smiled. He teased. He cackled. He made mistakes. He did what he had to. He compared himself to his brother. That distraught aura of insecurity would taint all his features when pushed to a challenge. I’d seen that before in Caspian. All of that encompassed ‘humanity’ in it’s finest, rawest form.

“You know what?” I gentle uttered to him, “Clavis Lelouch. He isn’t so bad.” Against my bare back, I felt him stiffen. “The Third Prince of Rhodolite is an idiot, though.” Reassurance from the prisoner. It’s laughable. He forced a small laugh to himself before regaining his senses.

“You’re the worst at this game. You asked like three questions in a row. So now, I get to ask anything I want and you have to reply honestly.” His uplifted voice chimed. “What’s the worst thing your job made you do?”

“Not answering that.”

“Kill someone, did I hear you say?! That’s morbid! Oh, well. My turn again. What’s the worst drug you’ve ever done and what were the effects?”

“Not answering tha-”

“You have to.” After a moment of prolonged silence, he baffled a laugh and continued. “Fine then. How old were you when you lost your virginity?” I mean… I guess it’s better than the other questions. At least he can’t throw me in a cell for my answer of this one.

“I haven’t.”

“Stop lying. You deal drugs for a living. You expect me to believe you’ve never stooped that low before?

“I have my own personal morals.”

“So sex is off the table but drugs are?” Yes. In fact, drugs are in lines on the table. (If we are being technical.)

“...I’m scared of pain.” The silence was ended by roaring cackles. He kept on going. He really didn’t stop. “What’s so funny?”

“You’re scared of pain? That’s why you’ve never lost your virginity? Are you naive or just adorable? I’m beginning to think maybe both.” He stopped laughing and pushed himself out of the water. It splashed and rippled but I dared not move. Giving him some sense of privacy as he changed, I gazed out the window. “I must admit Alairie, you are becoming my new favourite play-thing.”

“I wasn’t alrea- Thanks.”

#Ikepri #cybird #otome game #Ikemen prince #ikepri clavis #ikepri clavis lelouch #ikemen prince clavis #alairie persu