#like 3 times until i got tired and just accepted it wasnt gonna get better than that

[brightokyolights]

I just saw your tags on the "harry was oppressed" post. Might elaborate on that when you are not tired? How Zayn was oppressed? His relationship to ot4. Other celebrities? I love your thoughts!

*cracks knuckles* buckle your seat belts folks we’re in for a wild ride here lmao.

also for context *here* is the post this anon is referring to

I think to start off i should just make a little disclaimer, everything i am going to discuss will be based in my biases probably seeing as I am also a brown British Pakistani person who is Muslim. Zayn has been someone that especially when i was younger I looked up to and was very essential in my journey of learning to love and accept myself and my culture tbh. It’s cheesy as hell but it’s true and i think this is important to know before I go into this more because like I said i am definitely biased towards him. Another thing is that I’m just going to be discussing my personal opinions and also my memory is not very good so i will probably miss out a lot of other things that happened/could be discussed. please dont take this as anything more than just. my opinion.

A thing that really opened my eyes to racism and especially the racism in the 1d fandom was the day that zayn left. I dont think thats what the post above was about btw and ill go into that but i kind of just want to talk about this. The day he left was. a severe mess. Not only because it was obviously upsetting but because of all the bs that people were spouting about a situation that absolutely no one had any context on. the statement that was released on facebook gave us nothing. literally just stated that zayn was leaving the band and the accusations and hatred people were directing towards zayn when we didnt know what actually fucking happened (and still dont might i add) was disgusting. people accusing him of being selfish and how they hated him and why he had to ruin everything. Accusing him of using mental illness as an excuse and lying about it and so much more. i had unfollow more than half of the people i followed that day. it really opened my eyes to the fact that these were all thoughts and opinions people had underneath it all and zayn was fine as long as he was part of 1d and giving people what they wanted. which was essentially being the token in the group and once he wasnt providing that anymore? people turned and people turned fast.

i think its also important to point out the flip side of it and that was zayn stans saying that 1d were nothing without 1d etc. i want to talk about why this was different from ot4 stans hating zayn. of course it wasnt nice to see or hear EVERYONE arguing with each other. i hated it so much. but i think what people failed to realise was that when it comes to situations like this you need to look deeper and think about all the nuances of the situation. zayn stans being happy about zayn leaving the band and saying 1d was going to die i did not agree with. anyone who knew me then and knows me now knows that i am a 1d stan regardless (preferably ot5 but i supported 1d until the end even as a 4some) BUT these opinions were rooted in his mistreatment in the band and the racism he was having to face as a result of being in the band etc etc i apologise for not being a person who can better describe and explain this situation but hopefully you are getting the picture. when fans were hating on zayn. with no context with nothing. that was based on racism. point blank. the amount of tweets FROM 1D FANS talking about how he was leaving to join isis and how upset fans were gonna be vulnerable and join etc etc all this deplorable bs. and he had to deal with comments like that throughout his whole time with one direction and i imagine even now. 

Another thing id like to talk about is who zayn stans at least from my point of view usually were. For me i remember when i first got into the fandom i actively made the decision that i didnt want zayn to be my favourite because i didnt want to be a stereotype and this was a point in my life when i still tried to shun and push my culture down because i was ashamed of it. it was only as i slowly saw that zayn was considered as cool and hot and everyone else liked him that i kind of understood that maybe. being brown was alright and it was something cool and that maybe i was cool. it sounds fucked up and honestly i dont even know if i want to be admitting this so adamantly but argh if it helps someone understand then maybe its worth it. (mortifying ordeal of being known eh?) anyways i noticed as i engaged more in fandom and looked for more diversity, more fans like me, majority of non white fans were also... zayn stans. and honestly it makes sense because we all tended to flock towards the closest diversity we could find it seems. im not saying that there werent white zayn stans and that the other boys didnt have non white stans but i just wanted to point out this trend. so when you also take this into account and the fact that on the day zayn left it was majorly... white stans who were criticizing zayn it puts it in perspective for you. majority of fans who still like and support zayn are also not white.

there is a lot more to do with fans but hopefully thats enough of an insight and you can understand the kind of vibes that were present during 1ds prime and what not only zayn had to go through but also as a result the racism we ended up having to deal with as well tbh.

now!!!... something i dont really like talking about lol so this will probably be short but the other boys. so as far as i can remember liams always been kind to zayn since hes left (no surprise there <3 also please correct me if im wrong), niall was kind of indifferent/didnt say anything really, and then there was louis and harry *awkward smile*. hahaha. from my memory i remember when asked about what the most difficult thing was about zayn leaving harry said ‘the paperwork’ which was *awkward smile* and he also kicked that monkey mask/pinata? i cant remember with naughty boys face on it and honestly im sure theres more but his overall reaction to zayn leaving was kind of not caring and maybe being slightly nasty which :) with louis there was the massive twitter fight which literally tears my soul in half so lets not go into that haha and honestly other things where it maybe seemed like he was upset with zayn leaving as well. honestly i am a bit in two minds about these reactions because at the end of the day we dont know what occurred behind the scenes and we probably never will as much as we can speculate or whatever. not to mention that this 10th anniversary it seems maybe everyones on good terms which, who knows really im going to try be optimistic. i think whats important to note about heir reactions is that we dont know anything about their situations but the problem was really how fans reacted tbh (btw i forgot to mention earlier this is about basically everything except for harry and the nb thing. that is inexcusable). the boys reactions were understandable but the problem is that fans of course vicariously are influenced by the boy they stan so when one of them acted a certain way of course that ended up reflecting in fandom and resulted in more racism etc. 

another thing with zayn was that there were many files leaked with like promo or whatever basically describing what kind of role the boys would take on/ their image etc. and of course all the other boys got things like bubbly/funny/charming etc and zayns descriptors? moody, mysterious, dark horse etc etc like from the inception of 1d zayn has been victim to racist stereotypes being pushed on him. and i think this is where harry comes in because of course the image pushed onto him was also extremely harmful and i definitely dont think we should not talk about that but often you'll see that... thats all that is talked about because people are uncomfortable admitting racism and talking about it. 

When i mentioned other celebrities my point was basically just that while ive only talked about zayn in one direction this... is so present among any and every fandom. 5sos, Little Mix, Fifth Harmony... any fandom you can think of, i promise you it is there. racism in fandom is a real thing and a big problem and honestly this is why i always say representation is so important. and when i say that i mean everywhere!!! because if I didnt seek out non white fans to follow then maybe i would’ve had a completely different perspective on all of this.

The thing is also that a lot of this is just stuff that we’ve been able to get our hands on and also fan analysis and theories etc. there is probably so much more to talk bout or go into or stuff we’ll never even know about. I’ve kind of had to make peace with the fact that with celebrities you just really don’t actually know anything about them.

I think i’ll end this here if there’s any more questions you have about anything feel free to ask! and again this is all just my opinion  but hopefully i’ve been able to help answer you <3 have a nice day and i hope youre hydrated!!!

#ask #anon #1d #zayn #long post #i also have links to posts for proof of how zayn was treated on the last day if youd like but i thought id simplify #and just talk about what i though #there really is so much more that can be said

[kyokyo866]

Okay I got some news bout me and the kyokoon64 channel, gonna tldr it at the bottom but gonna space it out for heavy negativity

-

Okay so, Im just gonna come out and say it. I'm not okay. For a good while now I've been smashed by the realization of the world is bleak, meaningless, and it is only intense hunger pain that gets me out of the bed in the morning. If it wasnt for my meds giving me that pain I would have probably just stayed in there. I've been self harming, I've contemplated ending it all, my spirit has been shattered to the point of losing track of time staring into the endless void for hours. Mistakes have been made, guilt festers in me, money is tight and slipping out of my fingers like sand to things I didnt see coming and my body has been morphing uglier and uglier. My creative works have turned to rot and as much as i love crafting all these ideas and exploring things that may bring happiness, there's that knowledge of it wont matter. In my experimenting of other games, I have not been paid for 3 months from this channel because I dont make enough views. It... ugh. Needless to say it hasn't been a fun ride. I've been stuck in this tunnel for so long without the light at the end, it gets tiring to bang into the sides without any guidance. 

What does that mean for here though? this channels all about Hetalia not about my baby whining? Ah I'm just making a cry for help and wanting attention. YES. Yes this is. I'm tempted to bang my head into a knife due to self issues of COURSE Im making a plea of attention. I cant just smile and say its nothing anymore. I'm trying to get help. I have an appointment scheduled soon to get looked at. Dig and Lubo are up for helping me. Videos are gonna be.. sparse, I guess is the best way to say it. I suppose it'll be similar to how it is, random videos and random streams popping up, but only really as stress relief. Spooky month is off, unfortunately. I'll come back to what the viewers want and other such when my head is back in order and such. 

I'll still be putting most of my professional energy into the official Swan Princess youtube channel, so you might see some of my working projects on there so if you like my style of comedy as a person or my voice and editing, you can check those vids out. The first dreamtalia 2 demo of chapters 1-3 is still coming out on time though, christmas, thats still a thing. And by popular demand we wont be relets playing it (poll for that down below). If you would like to help anything financial during this trying time, please check out my ko-fi or patreon 

https://ko-fi.com/kyokoon 

https://www.patreon.com/kyokoon64 

 TL;DR - Im on the brink of conceptual suicide and I'm taking a break from planned videos for a while, can do streams for stress relief but that'll be it until I get better. Im seeking professional help so I wont be a danger to myself. The Dreamtalia 2 demo will still be out by christmas, but since this is a heck of a time do consider checking out my patreon/ko-fi page to help out during this struggling time. I am getting help, thats the important part. 

I wanted to sweep this under the rug and keep smiling and pretending nothings happening like 'lol Im good!! just stressed!! We good!!" That would be lying to both you and myself. I can't keep doing it and I need to accept that. You all came to me in your hour of need for smiles and laughter, and now I come to you to perchance ask the same.

#kyokoon64 #self stuff

[sumastudies]

so, this is how it’s going (for me)

it’s currently day 20 of my self-isolation journey. my department in uni had us do one last day (friday the 13th) of normal classes because i had 2 labs and quizzes that, so we did those and then the isolation began. and now im losing my mind.

a little background: i got sick the week the government here came out with the announcement that uni is gonna be off for 3 weeks (now extended for the rest of the semester being online). that decision didn’t come out until thursday the 12th. the thing is, i usually dont get too sick? like, it’s pretty normal for me to start feeling sick, have a bit of a scratchy throat and maybe a headache, stuffy nose too, but my immune system always always manages to fight it off in a couple of days. so since it’s pretty rare for me to get sick enough to want to stay home. in the beginning of that week, i thought that was what was gonna happen too, but by wednesday, it seemed that yeah, im sick and my body is too tired to fight it off. see, i sort of didn’t consciously think about going to uni - it was a given that i had to. i had a lab midterm i HAD to do on tuesday, and then i couldnt afford to miss my classes for the rest of the week (for the sake of material and i didnt want to go over my nonattendance allowance), but then on thursday afternoon at like 2pm, after a full day of classes since 9am, i fell asleep in class out of pure exhaustion, and that’s when i knew that i absolutely HAD to stay home. imagine the frustration. if i’d stayed home that morning, or at least skipped 1 class, i’d have felt marginally better, at the least.

but i couldnt. my classes wouldnt end til 7.30 that evening, and i had the 2 labs and quizzes to prepare for and go to the next day from 9am-6pm - only then could i let my body rest.

so i got through both classes that day, and got back home so tired all i could do was lay in bed so tired i didnt even change out of my clothes, with guilt weighing down on me because i wasnt studying for the next day’s labs. by 12am, i was so frustrated and bone-achingly tired that i just gave up and texted a friend to ask the TAs in the morning lab if i could do anything to compensate what i’d miss if she didnt see me in the morning. then i took finally go to sleep with alarms for 6am that i would get up to if i heard in the morning to study. here’s when the sobbing starts out of nowhere.

in hindsight, i dont know if it was just a normal flu that my body couldnt fight off due to physical exhaustion, or if it was something else. (bear in mind, that was the week when only the first case of covid19 was reported here, so logically it couldnt have been but the paranoia was definitely there and definitely scary as hell)

fast foward to now: it’s been 2 weeks of online classes, and one more before that of netflix only, and im just about losing my mind. i came to stay over at my friends’ after only the first weekend and now idk if i wanna go back to my apartment alone or if it’s just because my mind is generally restless and i just wanna go back to be with my family. (that’s a whole other story tho)

even worse, i cant bring myself to focus on my classes, even though i wanted them to start so bad that first week i had to do absolutely nothing, for the sake of some structure. my uni plans to give some projects/homeworks to replace midterms at least, the fate of finals is still undecided, and labs might be done in the summer, and i cant get myself to study even for myself and my own growth. the way i’ve been wanting to since winter break in jan.

this unmotivation is killing me, and i know im not the only one feeling this way, i know that literally the whole world is in this situation and mindstate right now, but i feel like i want to explode. i cant help but blame myself and my own fucked up brain for not being productive and being good for myself, just like i always do.

i want to do more with my life with all the time that i have now, work towards my future career somehow. even the internship i was supposed to start planning for this summer is probably gonna be suspended or whatever.

i study both pharmacy and business admin, and i feel like it’s more accessible to try and do something with my business degree in some way, but my brain has never been trained to be of the entrepreneurial type.

im just. so sick of being in limbo like this.

i havent even been able to get myself to write (anything, of any sort) in MONTHS

i dont even know when i can get back home to my family, since no one’s accepting any incoming flights and im not even a permanent resident so. fuck all this shit.

#suma talks #suma rants #personal #long post #mine #im sorry this is so long i just needed to get it out somewhere

[nie7027]

Super5 headcanons pt 2

Edit:    Part 1    Part 2     Part 3    Part 4   Part 5

Minegishi can only stare

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"What do you care?"

"Why are you here?"

"I was bored"

Shimazaki could be here to kill him for betraying him but Minegishi is too tired for this and there are dishes to wash.

In the time it takes him to do the dishes and calm down his plants, shimazaki falls asleep so he goes to the living to room to get a better look at the man

Shimazaki looks almost the same except maybe a bit thinner and with possible hollower eyes. The crooked nose is definitely new. A crooked nose?? Did he broke his nose at some point?? He is even wearing the same clothes as last time. His precious jacket ripped at the edges. Scorching marks and bullet holes here and there.

With a long sigh he takes out his phone, turns off the volume and opens the super3 chat(the too spicy for Seris innocent eyes). The messages start to come in rapidly

Minegishi: Shimazaki is back

Hatori: what

Hatori: what do you mean Shimazaki is back???

Shibata: how did he find us? Did he try to fight you?

Minegishi: i mean he is asleep on my couch. No, he just ate all of my cereal.

Shibata: what the fuck?

Hatori: what the fuck?

Minegishi what the fuck indeed

Shibata: did he say what he wants? Do you know why is he here?

Minegishi: He didnt talk and I dont know

Hatori: what do we do?

Minegishi:

Minegishi: i dont know.

Minesishi: i cant make any calls or else he could wake up and seri isnt logged in so can someone call him and tell him whats going so they can take the necessary precautions

Shibata: im on it

Shibata: hatori is freaking out in his room anyway. I think he is begginin to build a security system.

Minegishi: ...

Shibata: yeah yeah ill go calm him after i talk with Seri.

Minegishi stares at his phones and then at the man on his couch, he cant blame them. Shimazaki is a really dangerous person and they dont know what he is doing here. Minegishi just wanted to do the dishes, water his plants and go to sleep.

The super5 will never know but Shimazaki wasnt lying per se. He WAS bored.

After he ran away from the fight against seasoning city espers he hid here and there taking his sweet time at recovering and once he did(his nose still felt strange but he ignored it) he started to look at what to do.

He joined many criminal organizations, afterall a teletransporter was very valued in the underworld. But not matter how petty or big the crime was, he got bored. So he ended leaving all of them. he even left some in the middle of a important job, not caring whether his employers got caught or not( it was their fault for being stupid and not having a backup plan anyway)

After some months of this he realized he was bored of normal criminals. He was bored of normal persons with narrowed mindsets who conformed with just comitting stupid crimes. HE HAD BEEN PART OF A PLAN TO TAKE THE WORLD and now he was trafficking some drug?? Lame.

Most of all he missed the thrilling sensation of being surrounded with persons that could actually put a fight against him. So he searched for something alike to claw, an organization of espers.

His search turned out fruitless and he decided then he should return to where all started. Claw. It was time to pay a visit to his expartners.

It took him just a week to locate them. It would have took him just a day but he was finally having some fun and god he was gonna drag it all he could.

So here he was in a tiny empty apartment, the crazy amount of plants with a certain aura being the only indication that it belonged to Minegishi...WHERE THE HELL WAS HE? Oh well. He had been waiting for a year. He could wait a little more. In any case in his hurry to get here he forgot to eat and he could hear a fridge running.

Shimazaki, still on the sofa, wakes up the next day at the sound of a blender. He is being held in place, bounded by lots and lots of thick green vines and sturdy roots from which he easily frees himself. The moment he does so the noise at the kitchen stops and an annoyed minegishi steps out. Shimazaki can feel him tensing, preparing for an attack and that makes him smirk .

Until an alarm clock goes off that makes Minegishi mutter a curse

"If you are gonna do something do it now. I have better things to do and i have to go now"

"Better things to do?? What can possibly be better than this??"

"I have work so if you are gonna just stand there and smirk be my guest"

"Work?"

"Yeah, work. you know? That thing you do for a living and that contributes to society? Fuck it.You probably dont. Anyway i gotta go" Turning his back on shimazaki is probably the worst idea but he couldnt sleep at all, he is late and he hasnt had breakfast so if shimazaki wants to kill him he will gladly accept it.

He miraculously manages to exit his apartment and make it to his work. He only hopes theres an apartment to come back later.

Shimazaki can only stare increduously to where minegishis used to stand. 'Work'? 'Contribute to society'? THE FUCK WAS HE BABBLING ABOUT this was completely unexpected and he doesnt know what to do until he notices theres a smell coming from the kitchen where Minegishi left his untouched breakfast. Well he supposes he can muse how to proceed over breakfast.

Hatori isnt allowed to use his phone at work but he is too anxious to care and he has powers to do it without anybody noticing

Spicy3 chat

Hatori: how did it went?

Minegishi: ...well...i guess?? I am alive and my flat was still in one piece last time i saw it

Hatori: he didnt try anything?

Minegishi: he woke up when it was time for me to go...so i just kinda left

Shibata: you just left? He didnt try to stop you???

Minegishi: no

Minegishi:but i think...

Hatori: WHAT

Shibata:what

Minegishi: i think he is...tired.

Minegishi: I bound him while he was sleeping and he never woke up nlr stirred. He didnt notice.

Hatori: weird

Minegishi: i know. Worst of all i couldnt eat and i have 2 hours more left until my break.

Shibata: i can pass on my way to gym and sneak you something

Minegishi: thanks

Hatori: if you want you can hang in our apartment for the time being. We still need to know what he wants

Shibata: yeah, and if he shows up we can fight him together💪

Minegishi: if Seri asks, everything is under control

It takes a week for Shimazaki to finally show up. Meanwhile Minegishi has to use Hatoris and Shibatas washing machine to wash his work uniform daily(it can get very dirty when you work in a flower shop) because his other sets of uniform are back at his place trapped with Shimazaki. So is his money and he has to lend some from Hatoris and shibatas and ask his boss for an advencement in his payment. He hates Shimazaki more now.

They cant do anything but stare blankly when he suddenly shows up in the middle of the living room where they were eating pizza holding an empty box of cereal and says "Theres no more food back there and i want more of these but i cant see how they are called" while pointing at the box.

Sometimes its very easy to forget he is actually blind. Hatori weakly says the name of the branch of cereal he is holding and Shimazaki dissapears again before anybody can say anything.

"Did everybody saw what i just saw right??what the fuck? What the fuck?" shibata exclaims

"...my food"minegishi laments

Its not until an hour of wondering what was that and wracking their brain for an asnwer after that shimazaki returns, a brand new box of the cereal in his hands. He picks up a slice of the forgotten pizza and sits besides Shitaba.

"You didnt pay for that did you?" asks Shitaba

Shimazaki just turns around and stares st him with his hauntingly empty eyes "you too?"

"PAY? WORK? CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU"

"Weve changed"

"Yeah we have jobs and stuff, we help peopl"

"YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS! WHY ARE YOU EVEN WORKING?"

"TO NOT PARASITE ON OTHERS HARD WORK LIKE SOME PEOPLE IN HERE" finally explodes Minegishi

The man frowns and rapidly done with the conversation teleports away.

Minegishi finally returns to his place, his web of plants telling him Shimazaki isnt there anymore. Re stashing his fridge and cabinet is a pain in the ass.

Shimazakis plan had been to either find his expartners and form something alike to Claw with them or just antagonize them until he gets the fight he so much craves. None of that has happened because all of them had turned to a bunch of weakling pussies and he cant even find Serizawa.

He could still try to fight them but he bitterly realizes he wont get any satisfaction of beating them if they keep acting like that, restraining themselves and trying to be civil as if they werent the same persons that destroyed this very city a year ago. It would be like punching flowers!

The point was to get rid of his boredness and now he is just angry!

He needs them to drop the act.

Thats when a plan starts to form in his head and he smirks. He is going to show them what they are missing on.

Thats how he finds himself back in minegishis apartment.

"Im just saying you could probably grow tons of weed, good quality of course. And i take care of the transport i know a bunch of people-"

"Weed? Are you serious? Is this why you came back? To start a drug trafficking bussines?"

"Im just saying with my teletransporting abilities and yourplant thing we could save lots of money in transport and become richer than-"

"No"

"AREN YOU TIRED OF THIS? OF SHITTY CUSTOMERS GETTING YOU IN TROUBLE JUST BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOW RAINBOW ROSES DONT NATURALLY EXIST?"

"WHERE YOU SPYING ME AT WORK?"

"MAYBE SO"

"DONT DO IT AND STOP EATING ALL MY FOOD"

He then tries with shibata, approaching him during one of his morning running routines. Teletransporting every 2 meters at his side while he keeps running clearly ignoring him

"With your force, not that i need it, we could terrorize all the bussines of a whole prefecture and force them to pay for protection. We win, they win"

"Not interested"

"Why not?! It would be so easy"

"I dont want to"

"Could you stop running? This is important"

"No thanks"

"You arent even listening!"

"Good"

He finally tries with Hatori thinking he would be the easiest of them

"You hack the system and we force all those politicians to pay us to not release all their dirty secrets"

"I am busy"

"No you are not. You are playing mario kart. I can hear Yoshi"

"Ive changed"

"Have you? Really???" at this point Shimazaki raises an eyebrow, he is so done and he wont keeo with this bullshit "because everywhere i have been, and i have been everywhere, the interpol, cia, you name it HAS BEEN AFTER ME whereas you three can waltz into a store like nobodys bussiness. WE COMMITED THE SAME CRIME. WE DESTROYED THIS CITY so how come im the only one being persecuted? Huh? You think I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU DID"

Hatori pauses the game and glares at him. Good, he is finally getting a reaction.

" i did what had to be done and i wont let YOU of all people tell me-"

"Me? Of all people? You believe yourself so grand and high when you are nothing but THE SAME AS ME" immediately shimazaki feels hatoris aura flare. what must have been his console shifting and changing into something new. Whatever it is, he is sure he can block it.

"Really? You are gonna fight me? I want to see you-" a horrible sound like nothing he had ever heard before pierces his ears making him howl in pain and he teleports away.

After that accident shimazaki never mentions Hatoris dirty secret again but that doesnt stop him from keep trying to get them to commit felonies again.

He thinks he once "saw" Serizawa on the street but his aura was quickly eaten by the aura of the person by his side. He didnt stayed to find out and quickly teleported away.

And this goes like this for 3 months, his proposals becoming more and more desesperate until one day he just... gives up.

Shimazaki should have left or killed them months ago but for some reason he prefers to stay here. He wont admit it but hes having more fun living on their couches annoying them than what he would have had they accepted his proposals.

He takes special delight in annoying them when they had hard days. (Minegishi comes home covered in something stinky and almost strangles shimazaki with his own hands after he comments this wouldnt have happened if he had accepted to traffick weed in a yacht with him)

...besides he has noticed that now in both apartments there is always a box of his favourite cereal (hatori sweared it was the cereal what placated Shimazaki given how docile he was whenever he was seen eating it, shibata and minegishi just liked it)

The super3 cant believe it themselves but they have now gotten used to the constant presence of Shimazaki in their lives (which isnt surprising given they spent at least 3 years together).

Well constant is a way to put it because the man still has the habit of dissapearing 3-5 days every once in a while and reappearing like nothing happened

But they know this cant keep going like this and thats how minegishi finds himself texting the super3 chat one day he comes to an empty apartment

Minegishi: is shimazaki there?

Hatori: yeah, hes playing smash with shitaba

Minegishi: playing smash??

Hatori: its seems he learned the patron of my movements by observing me and now hes kicking Shitabas ass as princess peach

Minegishi: ?

Hatori: we told him he was playing bowser

Minegishi: whatever, tell him to bring his ass back. I need to go grocery shopping and i need his help

"Why would i help you grocery shopping?" says shimazaki suddenly to his right

At the same his phone sounds 2 times

Shibata: hatori said something to him and he just teleported

Shibata: is safe to assume he is with you?

Minegishi: yea, im taking charge from here

"Im teaching you to do grocery shopping"

"I dont need you to teach me shit"

" yes, you do if you want to keep eating that cereal you like and that you finished this morning"

Shimazaki raises his eyebrow, teleports and after 5 min returns with 5 boxes of the damn cereal in his arms

"There. Its done"

"DID YOU JUST ROBBED THEM? YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS"

"WHY NOT? ITS EASIER"

"THATS NOT THE POINT"Minegishi stops, breathes amd tries again "Shimazaki you cant keep doing this and i dont mean just the whole robbing, i mean i dotn know what you do when you dissapear for days but when you are here you just eat our food, wait for us to come home from work and then annoy us?"

"So? I can do whatever i want"

"Do you realize how pathethic it sounds?Is this really all you want to do? Do you even know what you want to do?"

Shimazaki doesnt wanna hear anymore of that and teleports

He ends teleporting to a random alley where he passes the night

The next days his mood isnt any better and he spends them sleeping, terrorizing random deliquents he finds in his way and kicking bags of trash until one day of the "bags" lets out a yelp.

Its shibata who finds him some days later during one of his running routines when he follows the sound of a hurt dog

Expecting to see a bunch of nasty kids terrorizing a poor animal he steps up to confront them only to find his missing "friend" glaring at poor dog and screaming "STOP COMPLAINING ITS YOUR FAULT FOR NOT MOVING I DIDNT EVEN KICK YOU THAT HARD"

He texts a quickl "Found him" to the group chat and marches up to him

"You shouldnt be kicking random things in the first place"

"Get lost"

" are you sure you didnt kick him hard? He is limping and we both know your kicks arent exactly soft"

"If i had wanted, a limp would be the least of its problems" still he makes a face as if he isnt sure

With a sigh Shibata carefully picks up the dog and motions to shimazaki "theres a vet nearby. You kicked him so you own him that at least. Dont worry ill pay" he doesnt wait for Shimazakis response and walks, relief overflowing him once he hears footsteps behind him

The consult is quick and the vet gleefully hands shimazaki "his" dog while she explains to shibata the treatment they should follow the next three months

Shimazaki...had never in his life pet a dog, much less carried one. His fur feels dirty and is tangled everywhere but the vet said it just needs a bath. It is warm and he can feel and hear his steady breaths. His mental eye allows him to perceive the flowing of his blood, the currents in his brain, the beating of his heart...all what makes a living being held in his arms. Things he has always perceived but never payed attention. The fact that the dog starts to lick his hands doesnt go unnoticed and he feels strangely calm. His grip tightening.

They are about to exit the clinic, shibata saying his last thanks when a woman and a girl enter. That very moment the dog starts to squirm in his embrace. And he doesnt know what to do

"Hey are you alright? I can hold it if you want" asks shibata noticing his turmoil

" yeah, its just the stupid dog WHO HAS FORGOTTEN HE CANT WALK"

The girls who shibata notices has red puffy narrows her eyes and yells "DONT CALL HIM STUPID YOU ARE THE STUPID" before turning to look at shimazaki, whatever she was going to say next is forgotten as she stares with wide eyes.

Both the moms and shimazakis replies are drowned by the girl scream of "UESAMA! MOM ITS HIM ITS MY DOG"

For some reason shimazaki feels his blood run cold and lifts up the dog even more when the girl comes clashing at his legs desesperately trying to grab her dog

Shibata who noticed shimazakis earlier expression cant believe what hes seeing (please god, please tell me he isnt gonna fight a girl over a dog) when the vet decides to come out to see what is happening

"Im sorry, my little girl believes those boys over there have Uesama"

"ITS HIM"

"Uesama?..." the vet stares some seconds in confusion before her eyes grow wider "Oh how didnt i notice it before! Im sorry sirs but it seems you have found this little girls dogs" the vets looks expectantly at shimazaki

Shimazaki who has been holding a very squirming dog and listening to the screams of a girls is starting to get very annoyed. The tempation to teleport away with the dog too big to ignore. Hes about to do it when he hears the dog crying again.

With a huff he hands it to the very thankful mother and exits the clinic as quickly as he can.

Shibata follows suit "I saw your face before they arrived. I can tell what you did"

"Shut up"

The walk home is strangely quiet but at least he is back.

The joke on the spicy chat is that the super 3 are dumb and believe they are protecting oh so pure Seri when in reality they just share dumb penis jokes while Seri is actually riding Reigens dick.

And yes as his last crime Hatori threatened with realeasing all the state secrets of all the goverments and provoking a worldwide crisis if they didnt allow them to try to live normal lives

I just noticed this is more of a fanfic than a list of headcanons now but meh. What i wanted to actually be part 2 is gonna be part 3? 4? I didnt even get to write the prank the super5 were gonna pull on shimazaki but now you have something to look up next time.

Im not that happy with how the second half turned out but maybe im just tired.

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #minegishi toshiki #hatori nazomu #shibata hiroshi #shimazaki ryou #should i tag animal violence? #manga spoilers #mp100 spoilers #super5 headcanons #nie's writing

[kim-isnt-seaweed]

^^those photos are all taken by me. Use them ig you want but please credit me.

Hello people!

How was your week? I had a fairly good week, it was hectic and tiring but it was good until i caught a cold.

Monday: Monday since i didnt have to work i stayed home laminating my interactive material and when T came home from work we went to Emart. He bought me a really cute watch since i needed it for classes since i didnt want to keep checning my phone, he wanted to buy a smart watch for both of us (hahaha i sound like we can just buy those things whenever we want but no, we save up for those type of things) but i dont want one because i geniuenly dont have a need for one, anyway we bought stuff at emart and came home. I thought at the time i had avoided the cold i thought i caught on Sunday.

Tuesday: went to work, every tuesday staff reuinion at the center and then i went to my first class the 27 m/o baby, he is really cute and you can notice he is somewhat understanding what i am teaching him but he cant speak yet so its tough to tell for sure. The second class was new kid i was added and he is the type of kids that ..are difficult, the mother had forgotten the class was on tuesdays at 6:30 and my boss forgot to call her to confirm (usually teachers do that but she said since im a forgeiner she would do it) besides they gave me the families old address thankfully the new house was a street away. The boy was not having it, he did not want to have class and he was just doing whatever the fuck he wanted, most of my students are young so its normal for them to get distracted but you can tell the difference when they get natrually distracted because they include me in their distraction for examole the baby boy keeps trying to gwt mw to play ball with him, or anotherone that just telling me about pokemon but this boy did not give a fuck about me or the class he was just difficult but i was like whatever i will go through if the class and maybe its just because he's tired, so who knows but when i was going his mom gave him an orange and he just threw it on the floor and smeared it with his foot as if it was funny and his mom said nothing so ..he still seems a bit difficult.

Wednesday: t was at home for the morning but had to go to work that night so i decided to make lunch for both of us: carne asada, refired beans a co-worker who grew up in Guatemala gave me and cilantro rice i made with the left over cilantro the Pho place gave me. I went to work at 4, and when i got to my students house i noticed he had a cold and i immediately was like "uh-oh" you know how kids are (he is 3) they dont cover their nose, whipe their nose with their hands and then touch you and your stuff. After class i came home and later that night my throat started feeling weird.

Side note: my mom would always make soup and salad everyday for lunch and dinner (same thing for both meals as is common in Colombia) and without fail they had cilantro ALWAYS! So i grew up eating cilantro, but it wasnt until i moved to Korea and the first time eating mexican food with T he was like "oh no the taste of cilantro is too strong i cant eat this" and i was like "Cilantro has a taste????" Like i grew up eating that in soups and stuff, never on its own so i never recognized the taste, let alone believe it was strong, i just thought it was a must for food like salt or whattever, the only other thing i new of cilantro was that it makes you sleepy, so if there was too much on our food it was like "mom is trying to make us chill" idk if its true or its just placeboo at this point since i grew up hearing it thus believing it. So yeah, i didnt know cilantro had a taste of its own until i moved to Korea, thankfully T has learned to like it but he judges me when i add a bit too much.

Thursday: my throat was even more irritated that morning but i felt fine in general, t had the day off so i made lunch again: arroz con pollo. I went to work, T took me to my classes on his new scooter motorcycle and while he waited he went shopping. My second student on thrusdays is a bitbhard because he is all over the place distracted and skipping all the steps but its okay because at least he looks excited for the class. Then i had my last class and went out to eat dinmer with T, by this time my throat was in so much pain it hurt to talk but the rest of me felt fine, we went to Kondae to eat Makchang (i think its the large intestine of the pork) and then i bought a leather jacket more like i bought a fake leather jacket because T has been dying to see me in a leather jacket (boy shoulda seen me at 16) idk why so now he can finally stop talking about it.

Friday: my throat felt better so i thought i had avoided getting a cold, i went to the center to pick up my class materials for next week and for the new student on fridays my boss had only told me about the night before. I went back home and since T again had the day free we went to the bank to open a family account, then he took me to my class, i was nervous because i had been told the kids mom is scary but when i arrived there (a bit late since i had forgotten something and had to go back to the center) they were so nice, their appartment is amazing, its huge and has a beautiful view people say celebreties live in those buildings too which explains the amount of security in the complex which is odd for most korean apartments. The mom was so nice, the dad too and their little boy is wonderful too so idk what they wete talking about tbh. When class finished we came back home, took all my pants (all except one i recently bought) a skirt and a dress to the seamstress because they were too big on me now and the lady was like "why are they so big??" "Its hard for you to find clothes the fit well, right? (it is) since you have a butt (i dont i just store most of my fat in my thighs and hips but not the butt) but your waist is so small" then when she got to the dress she seemed troubled because it was more work than what it seemedm we paid 90 bucks which is apparently expensive? Idk how since she has to do a lot of work on my clothes, 7 items and 2 items for T. Then we came home and i started to feel sick again, when bed time came i was completely sick.

Today: sleeping was terrible, i kept choking in my sleep because i have a stuffy nose and a very swollen throat. T woke up at all hours trying to help me feel better, giving me wster and medicine, i felt so bad since he had to wake up early but there he was taking care of me at like 4 am. When he woke up for work all i remember is him telling our cat "Bean, mom is sick be nice to her today and take care of here" aside from that being cute on its own i actually think she listend to him, although bean is very sweet she has moments when she likes to bully me, trip me ovet, bite my legs or scratch my hands (only me she never does that to T even if he was the one annoying her she takes it out on me) but today she has been so sweet and calm, no yelling or demanding snacks, no bullying just love.

At one my MIL took me to the doctors, they somehow always mention the fact i got surgery on my nose for allergy reasons and say something i cant fully understand and no one can translate for me but i am starting to feel the surgery was a waist of money, my allergies are back (not as bad as before but their back) and everytime i get a cold it fucks me up so hard. Then when comming home my MIL bought me so much pastries and bread because i didnt want lunch or let her pay for my medicine.

Sometimes i look at T and feel so lucky i have a husband that is so sweet, selfless and careing but then i see his parents and im like yep that makes sense. His parents have always been so sweet and understanding, the accepted me for me get go and have always treated me like a daughter, sometimes i tease T telling him his dad loves me more than than him haha his parents helped pay for my surgery back when we had only been dating for a year (my parents couldnt afford it i mean back at home they could but Korean money is much more expensive than Colombian money) and now everytime i mention trying to pay them back they wont have it.

I also noticed i have three big bruises on my legs i have no idea where they came from. Its annoying because everytime i hurt myself and say "oh this is gonna leave a bruise" there is no bruise to be found, but then these bruises appear and its like for you to be so big and persistent shouldnt i remember what your from???

Tomorrow: T and i finally both have the same free day, but this fucking cold will probably ruin it all so who knows.

Anyways that was my week, i hope you all had a good week too!

#living in korea #korea #seoul #living in seoul #south korea #living abroad #life in korea #married life #life in seoul #expat #life #food #day to day #korean #corea #cat #lifestyle #today #personal #daily

[kyokosdiary]

Miu Kyoko

Hi there, its @sabaku-no-livna‘s BNHA account here ! 

I’m gonna introduce you my BNHA main OC, Miu Kyoko ! Template from Uunearthly on DA (https://www.deviantart.com/uunearthly/gallery/)

Name: Miu Kyoko 

Nicknames: None her first name is short enough 

Hero name : Black Mirror 

Age: 15 yo 

Gender: Female

Height: 154 cm 

Weight: 39 kg 

Birthdate: 20 of August

Nationality: Japanese and Kenyan

Blood Type: O+

Occupation: Student

School: Shiketsu high

Year and Class: 2-A 

Physical Appearance:

Miu Kyoko is tiny but quiet curvy ! She has a pronounced waist line and back arch and a big breast. She has thin bones and muscles, but those muscles are strong enough for the fight ! She has the skin ebony color and the white of the eye black. Her eye lashes are almost white, like the top of her hair. She’s got long straight blue hair, in a gradient from very light blue to a more intense one. A side of her head got shaved when she was able to go beyond her mother’s power on her, in a sign of rebellion and individuality ! Her eyes are yellow and seem to shine in the dark just like her hair. 

She has on her body some white symbols that appear when she uses her quirk. The more she gets powerful, strategic 

and get some moral values, the more these tatoos appear like a reward. Each one of them as a signification.

Those on the face are symbol of perspicacity, the ones of the suns she has on her shoulder and breast are marks of hope, tenderness and bravery. Those on her belly shows she was able to cut the bonds with her mother not to reproduce the same mistakes and means she will be able to be a loving mother herself when she would be older. The one around her arm is a symbol of strength ! The one around her tight of balance. The ones on her calf of determination. 

The firsts ones that appeared were on her face, then on her breast, her shoulder, her tight, her calf and finally her belly when she got rid of her mother-mother problems. 

Her hero costume is inspired by traditional wax and quiet show off. It was chosen by her mother again. At the beginning she did not feel comfortable with such an open costume but when she got better with herself she assumed it perfectly! 

In real life she wears wax and ties her hair in braids. She likes to wear more cloths and isn’t showing off. 

Personality:

Miu Kyoko is a very shy and discrete person. She can be very friendly, caring and sweet when you get to know her, but she is too shy to go herself meeting people. 

She’s been used being in her mother’s shadow, having no choice and decision to make so is kind of lost in her own personality. She sometimes doesn't really know what SHE likes and what her mother liked for her. She will progressively get to understand who she is and what she likes. 

Miu likes dancing, music, singing, playing piano, animals and cooking. Piano, dance and sining were things imposed by her mother, but she got the best of it, and finally could find her way in it. 

Miu has a poor self esteem because of how violent her mother was to her and how perfectionist she is. She thinks she isn’t suited to be a hero and would rather have a more traditional life and job than being a hero. She believes she is useless and her quirk would never help people but put them in danger because of her weakness. 

However, her mother’s expectations were so big she is always fighting against her own will and doing her best to always be n1 at school and in everything she does. She tries to learn from her mistakes, make the best of her advantages and compensate her weakness. She is still determined becoming the n°14 hero, like her mother was but will progressively abandon this dream that isn’t her just to wish to become a good and wise hero, and not an object of her mother’s projection. 

Quirk Information:

Quirk: Reverse 

Type: Activation

Description: She reverses the opponent’s quirk against themselves. She gets the protections of their quirk if the quirk provide some instead of the opponents. On mutant quirks she just erases them and trying to go over her quirk is extremely painful. If she is put next to mirror or something that allows reflexion such as glass or ice, the strength of her counter attack will increase ! She has to have an eye contact to use her quirk. She doesn't produce anything, she only uses opponents quirks. 

Strengths:

+ With opponents with emitter quirks her quirk is very efficient and difficult to go through. 

Her quirk is quiet disturbing and allows no counter attack. 

Is avoiding close combat but allows her to get closer easily and attack thanks to her agility and speed. 

Good to end a battle. 

Weaknesses:

Cannot start herself a combat with this quirk. 

Can only defend people and herself with her physical abilities.

Her quirk cannot defend her against people with physical strength and so in close combat her only advantage is her speed, agility and flexibility developed with dance. In other terms she has almost no chance to win against someone using only their physical strength. 

Her quirk isn’t flashy and impressive for the public. So not very interesting for the medias.

Combat with people with emitters quirk can last forever with her quirk and she will get quickly tired and loose power over them.  

Quirk Statistics:

 - Power: 2 /5 

 - Speed:  3 /5 

 - Technique: 1.5 /5 

 - Intelligence: 3 /5 

 - Cooperativeness: 3/5 

Background and History

Relationships

Family : 

 Mother: Aissata Kyoko 

Aissata used to be called Coal Queen, in her country (Kenya) she was the n°1 hero, and she was n°14 worldwide until she got severely injured in a fight in Japan with a villain. Miu was 8 at the time. She married the Japanese business man Ari Kyoko, it wasn’t a love marriage but an arranged one with the two families. Aissata was very young when she got engaged and was raised accepting she would be married to a man she doesn’t love. She doesn’t have real affection for Ari and shows no consideration for him. She is a very proud and egocentric woman. There was no space for a child unless her daughter was just a duplicate of herself. When she had to retire from her hero career she became even more strict and cold to her daughter and husband. She felt her incapacity as an humiliation and found a way to fix it : her daughter will replace her. She had always been a strict mother, but there she became a tyrant, imposing her activities, a school, a training … She wanted her daughter to be as good as she was and to look just like her. She was putting a lot of pressure on her daughter, and when she wasn’t good enough she was using very violent words toward her. Their relationship was toxic as Miu progressively lost all individuality. She pushed her so much she skip grades and finally entered Shakiest high (a school chosen by HER) at the age of 14. She controlled everything about her daughter’s life : her weight, her dressing, the choice of her friends, her love life … She wanted full control on everything and to do so she is calling her 4 times a day, and sometimes even going physically to Shiketsu hight to assist at the trainings. She is a very tall woman and was frustrated her daughter was so short. Also she never hided her disappointment with her daughter’s quirk, not powerful and flashy enough. 

 Father: Ari Kyoko 

Ari Kyoko is from a big family of business men in weapon industry. He did not get the choice of his wife, but immediately fell in love with the stunning African beauty Aissata. He did everything to please his wife, he would have given her the world, he treated her like a queen but it was never enough for the capricious Coal Queen. His quirk is to copy a quirk he already faced. He can use a quirk he learnt only once. When Miu was born he was the most happy man on hearth, unlike his wife who suffered from baby blues and couldn’t even hold the baby in her arms. He was a loving and caring father, full of humor and joy. He got truly affected by his wife’s accident, and the fact of her being more violent towards him and his daughter probably caused his decay. As months passed his migraine became stronger and stronger, he was loosing weight and strength progressively until he couldn’t even walk. His breath was harder and harder and his heart weaker and weaker. Nobody knew exactly what was killing him, but his agony last 2 years. These 2 years have been a torture for Miu. He was her only loving parent, her sun, she admired him for his intelligence, tolerance and capacity of judgment. She was relying on him to protect her from Aissata. But when he died he left her alone with her mother. He never wanted to give up the fight, because he loved his daughter and wife so much. Until the end he kept hoping for the best and his last words were written by the doctors and directed to his daughter « Dear Miu, I want you to remember me as your loving father, not as the living corps I’ve become. Please remember my smile, my voice, my laughter but not my tears and decay. And also one last thing. Never forget who you are Miu. You may look like your mother but you are nothing like her. You are my beloved daughter. I love you more than anything in this world. My sun. Daddy. » 

Friends : 

She gets along very well with those of other schools. She met some of UA high outside of exams in fact, during a villain attack. She got to interact with Bakugo, Kirishima, Midoriya, Ochako, Todoroki and Iida. 

She appreciates Ochako Uraraka a lot, she highly admires Izuku Midoriya for his wisdom, optimism and determination. She was able to meet him several times and they get along together very well. 

She also have a strong admiration for Shoto Todoroki, for his intelligence, self control and how he was able to get off Endeavor’s clutches. She saw him first on TV during the sport festival, then during the attack where she met the other of class 1-A. They got along well, surprisingly he showed interest for her because of her personal issues with her mother. He’s like a mentor for her because he showed esteemed and helped her realizing how much she was her mother’s puppet and that she could become herself. He used what Midoriya taught him to help her out. She’s got a crush on him.

Rivals : 

She doesn’t really have rivals. She got to fight with Katsuki Bakugo and was a disturbing opponent to him. Also because she was trying to make him chill insisting on « you should try Yoga. ». However she finds his anger quiet cute and funny and this makes him even more upset and willing to destroy her. 

Her only real challenge is her mother, but Todoroki by acting as a mentor keeps her motivated to always try to challenge him even if she doesn’t really want to win. She only wants to make him proud of her. 

Love interest : Shõto Todoroki

   Hobbies: Playing piano, dancing, singing, composing, cooking, horse riding, chess (all hobbies were chosen by her mother) 

Fears: Thunder, Mineta, disappointing the others, abandon, her mother

Habits: Miu is often making braids on her hair, she cooks cookies and pies for people she loves and she is always training her flexibility and moves with dance and music. She also does yoga in the morning. 

 Likes: Colors, sun, animals, humanity. 

   Dislikes:  Rain, cold, loneliness and informatics. 

Goal: First her goal was to be good enough for her mother to love her. Then her goal became being good for herself and being the best and the more fair hero as possible and making the persons she loves proud of her. 

Hair style before and after getting rid of her mother’s oppression 

#bnha #bnha oc #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia oc #my hero academia #my hero academia oc #kyoko #oc #original character #reference sheet #fanart #cellshading

[thirstygirlclub]

A Boy Named Box - Part Two (2)

KozikxGayMale!Reader

(this is my second time writing this. i had finished this, all done, until my internet crashed and i lost all of it. hopefully, this one will be as good as the lost part.)

(the second part of a request from an anon! where the reader is Juice’s twin brother that moved away from Queens to Charming for a new start and falls for a certain sandy haired son)  

also this part is dedicated to @marcus-demitri455 and @samcro-saint99 who were so lovely when i was so heartbroken about this, love you my angels! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

p.s legit thought that this was only going to be 3 parts max but I didn’t factor in the fact that i always get carried away and that this is all so cute that it is consuming me more than i ever thought possible? so this is going to be part 2 of 4 (for now but knowing me i’m going to turn it into a whole McFreakin’ book or some shit)

WARNING: CONTAINS CUTE STUFF

Tig was trying to rile you up, you knew he was, but that didn’t stop you giving him exactly what he wanted. You grabbed him by the front of his kutte and you couldn't give a shit about disrespecting the leather and sons of Anarchy colours when he was disrespecting you like he was. You had had enough of your sexuality being the butt of all of his jokes. You knew he was joking and he didn’t mean it, not really, but that didn’t stop it from offending you. Juan was getting sick of it too but he let you fight your own battles now you were both adults.

“Say that again,” you hissed lowly, “you bastard.”

“I said,” Tig said loudly with a laugh, “I’m not gonna let a gay kid beat me in the ring. Unless you’re scared-”

You bashed him roughly against the brick wall of the work bay while he grappled at your hands and work shirt; trying to get you to release him but his attempts proving fruitless. His eyes showed panic and pain, there was blood running from his nose and down his chin from where you had punched him to try and get him to shut up. Despite the expression on his face, he laughed as you were wrenched away from the older man. 

You struggled against Kozik’s grip. He had pulled your arms behind you, almost like a police grip, and was pulling you away. Even though he was strong, he was struggling to do so. Kozik practically threw you into the parking lot then pushed you back by the chest when you had rounded on him to get back to Tig.

“That’s enough!” Chibs commanded from where he had been watching the brawl and walking over to you, “Stop this now. You know he doesn’t mean it!”

“I don’t give a fuck if he means it or not,” you growled at the Scottish man, “I’ve had to deal with that shit all my life. I’m not dealing with it here, get it?”

“Alright, alright,” Chibs sighed with an understanding nod at you before turning to Kozik, “go deal with that dickhead. I’ll get the kid calmed down.”

“I’m not a kid!”

“Yeah? Then stop fucking acting like one!”

He grabbed you by the scruff of the neck and started walking you off but you fought him off. Chibs let go and put his hands up in surrender but followed you anyway. When you cast a glance back, Kozik grinned at you then turned back to go have a look at Tig’s face. 

“I’m takin’ bets on a fight night,” Chibs told you and took a drag of his cigarette, “first match is you against him. If you’re willing to clear the air in public.”

“If he’s not scared of losing to a fa-”

“Enough Box! Are you in? I’m sick and tired of you bein’ at each others throats all the time.”

“Yeah,” you spat, “I’m in.”

“Right. 2 weeks time, you and him in the ring then all this gets put to rest. Yeah?”

You had been sleeping peacefully, in a drunk and stoned stupor, snoring away when you were woken up by a voice in your ear.

“Box,” you heard them whisper in your ear, “time to get up.”

When you opened your eyes you saw Kozik stood over your bed, with his arms folded and that stupid grin on his face, you sat up with a gasp and pulled the blankets up over your naked body and stared up at him with wide eyes.

“What the fuck man?!” You shrieked hoarsely, “get out!”

Kozik laughed at your now bright red face but didn’t leave. When he didn’t say anything you shook your head in a ‘what the fuck’ kind of way. You knew you weren’t the most attractive person while you were sleeping, especially after a night of drinking and smoking. You hastily wiped the drool off of your cheek and tried to fix your bedhead.

“You know you snore?” He asked with a laugh.

“Yeah, thanks,” you said with a scoff.

“Get up now; we’re going training.”

“Training?”

“Yeah. I bet $64 on you winning and I’m not gonna get it back with that right hook so get up, get dressed.”

He picked some shorts and a black shirt from a pile of clothes from the pile of clean washing on the desk chair to throw them at you. He then stood looking around and the room that you were sleeping in.

“Uh, kinda naked here bro,” you said and held the blankets tighter to your bare chest, “you wanna leave?”

Kozik smirked, knowing he had already seen everything, but turned to leave anyway. Once the door was shut, you checked the time and groaned, standing up and pulling on the clothes.

“Are you joking?” You asked him as you stormed through to see him sat drinking coffee at the little dining table in the kitchen, “it’s 6-fucking-05 in the morning. What is your problem?”

“Gotta get there before the crowds. Come on. Let’s go, we’re jogging to the gym.”

He stood up and hit you on the bicep as he walked passed you and out the front door. You sighed and followed him, stretching and yawning as you went.

Evidently, you weren’t as fit as you thought you had been. You had been jogging for a total of 10 minutes and you already needed to sit down since you were puffing, panting and sweating profusely. You grabbed the back of Kozik’s shirt and braced yourself on your knees before collapsing on some nearby grass. Your running partner chuckled then same to sit by you. Luckily, it was still morning and reasonably cool out.

You had only been in Charming for about 6 weeks but you were already sick of the heat. You were so used to the chillier, grey weather in Queens and you hadn’t yet acclimatised to it like Juan had but then again, he was always a fan of warmer weather. You used to say he was like a lizard.

“Come on Box,” Kozik groaned once you had caught your breath, “we’ve been sat here for 20 minutes and I actually want to get to work today.”

“I still have to go to work after the gym?” You huffed then rolled onto your side and curled up in a ball when he nodded.

“Stop being a drama queen.”

“Who are you calling queen?” You asked venomously.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that! Fuck you’re grouchy in the morning!”

You sat up to glare at him and saw that he was already stood up and was holding his hand out you to help you up. You sighed in defeat, taking his hand and letting him help you stand and you weren’t sure but maybe he held it for a second too long when you were on your feet. And maybe there was that mischievous glint in his blue eyes but you couldn’t know for sure because as soon as you had thought you had seen it he had turned around to run on ahead of you.

Training with Kozik was simultaneously the toughest but most entertaining thing you had done in your life, kind of. You had got a chance to talk to him properly about everything you had been through and it was nice to open up to somebody that wasn’t Juan. As much as your brother loved you, you knew he was getting fed up of hearing about your ex. He would never say anything to you about it but you could just tell. That twin intuition, you know?

Kozik had listened patiently to your worries while you battered the punching bag. He eased your concerns that the guys hadn’t accepted you as yourself and still just thought of you as one half of The Juice Box, that they all thought you were running away from your past, that they didn’t accept you for your sexuality with them being a biker gang and all.

“You know the guys talk shit but honestly Box... listen to me. They love you, alright? We all do besides, we all got our thoughts on Tig. Nobody gives a fuck if you’re gay. And yeah, you’re Juice’s brother but you’re also Box. We get you’re a different guy all together. Got better hair for a start,” Kozik had told you, ruffling your sweaty hair and making you laugh; diffusing the tense atmosphere you had brought with you that one particular day, “and don’t worry about running from where you came from; we all got something we’re running towards. You know?”

You hadn’t been ashamed to wipe away a few tears when he told you that; you needed to hear that and it meant so much coming from him. But as he patted you comfortingly on the shoulder you couldn’t help wondering what it was that he was running to. 

On the plus side, you hadn’t been in better shape for a long time. You were waking up at 6am every morning without needing him to barge into your room and drag you out of bed. He had given you special instructions not to drink, smoke, do drugs for the entire 2 weeks you had been training with him and he had even put you on a special diet. This mostly consisted of you sharing his lunch, normally some kind of salad with lean meat or pasta, while you were working and him bringing you the food for your dinner. It was nice to have someone looking out for you every now and again.

You had a good little routine going too, wake up at 6 then run to the gym with Kozik at 6:30; work out and train until 8 so you were all ready to hit the showers and seeing him in just a towel afterwards was always a bonus, not that you would tell him that of course; he was already big-headed enough. 

The buzz around TM and the club house was electric on the day of the fight. Word had got out that Kozik was training you up and teaching you the way that Tig fought so he had enlisted the help of Chibs. This meant that it was no longer just a competition to see who was the better fighter but also who was the better coach too. The animosity and fighting talk was so bad between the two teams that Clay had to schedule the shifts so that neither team was mixed together. You had tried to defend yourselves and say that it was all friendly but Clay was having none of it.

You had also been promoted to “mechanic’s assistant” which essentially meant you were Kozik’s own personal go-fer boy and he was loving it; he was asking you to get any number of different things that he could easily get for himself. Every time you complained about it, he would remind you that Clay was keeping an eye on you to see if you were worth keeping on the team which would make you grumble but kick him the wrench that was about 3 inches away from his hand.

The sound of a motorcycle drew you out of your angry thoughts and you turned to see Juan climbing off of his motorcycle wearing his Sons of Anarchy kutte and sunglasses. He carried himself differently when he was wearing the vest and you kind of wanted one too but you had a feeling that regardless of how accepting they were as people, the other charters and club rules probably wouldn’t allow a gay man into the club. It didn’t stop you craving the sense of belonging that your brother had found with them though.

You were leaning casually against the front of a green dodge charger, beside Kozik as he was under the hood of the car, as you ate the rest of the blonde man’s chicken salad, when Juan came sloping over to you with his eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face. You sent your twin a quizzical look which he returned sarcastically.

“You ready for tonight little brother?” Juan asked you, “you think you’re gonna win?”

“Uh yeah,” You scoffed, stuffing another bite in your mouth, “why? You got no faith in me?”

“Nah, obviously I do. I just mean that Chibs is a good coach, that’s all.”

With that comment, Kozik raised himself from under the hood of the car and stepped in front of you, between you and Juan, with his arms folded and his chest puffed out. Juan tried his best not took look threatened but his small step backwards betrayed his smug face. You peeked over Kozik’s shoulder and smiled around another bite of salad. Your brother looked between you and Kozik with a knowing smile but said nothing, turning to head into the clubhouse.

You knew Juan knew about your teeny tiny, minuscule crush on your fighting coach. Again the twin intuition, but knew better than to call you out on it. 

“You wanna pass me that wrench?” Kozik asked you once you had clipped the lid back on his tupperware tub.

He was pointing to a black handled tool in the tool box. All he had to do was bend down and grab it but he really was loving having you as his personal servant. With a sigh, you bent down to grab it and give it to him but he stood with his hand out stretched until you had placed it in his palm but even then he didn’t close his fingers around it.

“I meant the other one, the one next to it,” he said, that mischievous glint back in his eyes.

You sighed and raised your eyebrows at him before grabbing the other wrench and swapping it for the next size down. 

“No, the other one,” he grinned.

“Are you fucking kidding?”

“Less of the attitude mister,” he hit you in the chest with the wrench you had just given him before turning back into the car, “Clay is always watching you. You wanna be my butler forever?”

“If I don’t kill you first,” you muttered but turned away when you saw Clay peering at you through the blinds in the office.

“What?”

“Nothing man, just saying how much of an honour it would be.”

“Yeah. That’s what I thought you said.”

You laughed with him and brushed your shoulder against his as you lent under the hood to watch what he was doing, sharing a look with him before he turned back to his work with a smile on his face.

(legit have no idea how to write guys, i’m sorry!!)

#if you're gonna be homophobic you can go and get fucked. #ok? #ok #kozik #herman kozik #kozik imagine #kozik prompts #kozik headcanon #sons of anarchy #sons of anarchy fanfiction #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy headcanon #sons of anarchy prompts

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

--

all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

#sorry for all the linebreaks i want this to be as easy to process as possible #this is definitely ok to reblog and if you feel even the slightest urge to i encourage it

[eternalmydnyt]

So I decided its time for another one of my random peeks i give into my insanity. This is the playlist of songs on my IPhone. Some are there just because i like them but for the most part music is a form of self therapy for me, the voices find things in life which lets them feel manifest and music is a way to feel them, touch them, and communicate with them in a generally harmless environment. Plus this can give anyone who reads an glimpse into my head and my tastes

In no particular order Im going to follow this format for the list

"Title" Band

Affecting Lyrics

How it affects me

Lets begin shall we?

"Get Well" Icon For Hire

Don't tell the others but it's all getting old

I mean how many more times must our stories be told?

And being lonely's only fun in a group

It sort of loses it's charm when it's true

This is a song about someone who is tired of suffering. Someone who has decided that its time to get serious about changing for the better. The voice in my head who reacts most to this is Eleni, Eleni doesnt want to be broken anymore, doesnt want to be crazy and fractured. She is my internal caretaker and OCD. She is who i draw on when i need to get things done regardless of how i feel.

"My Name" Shinedown

My name is worthless like you told me I once was

My name is empty cause you drained away the love

My name is searching since you stole my only soul

My name is hatred and the reasons we both know

Micheal... he is so angry all the time. Angry about the past, angry about the present, angry about the future. He is my rage at a world that should be more then what it is. Micheal is the one who is most "Me" of the voices. He is the one who is the closest to being who i would if i didnt have to constantly wear a thousand masks for society. He cares about some but in general he just wants to see everyone burn until they understand his pain.

"Break In" Halestorm

You are the only one

The only one that sees me

Trusts me and believes me

You are the only one

The only one that knows me

And in the dark you show me

Yeah it's perfectly reckless

Damn you leave me defenseless

So break in

This is my song i dedicate to Francine and everything she does for me. She is one of only 3 people who I truelly trust and who knows almost everything about me. She has saved me.

"Carry on my Wayward Son" Supernatural 200th Episode Cover.

Masquerading as a man with a reason

My charade is the event of the season

And if I claim to be a wise man,

Well, it surely means that I don't know

Ok this one is just because i REALLY like it. Especially this version.

"Indestructible" Disturbed

Another reason, another cause for me to fight

Another fuse uncovered now, for me to light

My dedication to all that I've sworn to protect

I carry out my orders without a regret

Ahh Alex. He is aggressive and territorial. He isnt Angry the way Micheal is but he is more violent. He was the part of me that couldnt remember fighting back against bullies, the part which would lash out in violence against anyone who mistreated me. He was dangerous and volitile in school but he had reasons to be. He changed as I got older... now he is more of a gatekeeper. He protects the people i trust... deciding who is "Pack" and who isnt. If he doesnt accept you then I dont trust you. I dont have many in my circle but he is the one who holds the guest list. If you arent in the circle then Alex lets Micheal have you.

"Divide" Disturbed

I am a little more provocative then you might need,

It's your shock and then your horror on which I feed

So can you tell me what exactly does freedom mean,

If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game

I'm trying to impress upon you

We're not the same

My psychotic mentality is so unique

I'm one aggressive motherfucker

Now, wouldn't you say

Ever since Micheal became violent he has been fighting against being classified with the rest. He hates being "Just another voice" he believes he is THE voice and the others should serve him. I like Micheal alot... he is one i rely on and consider one of my closest allies because he has the strength to drown out the others when i need him to... but god he can be a self important dick sometimes.

"Without Me" Eminem

Now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me

'Cause we need a little controversy,

'Cause it feels so empty without me

This is another i just really like. Hell of a beat. Good music for a walk.

"Fuck Away the Pain" Divide the Day

You hate the way he fooled around behind your back

A slave to him but now with me, no strings attached

But if you wanna use me up and leave me in the bed

If that's what you need go right ahead

Ahh Gray. I was wondering when you would show up. Gray loves this song. Being eternally a teenager his greatest joys in life are Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll. If he could spend all his time getting high, getting laid, and playing Call of Duty he would be a happy boy. He reminds me to have fun and relax. I just wish he wasnt so pushy about it.

"Love Bites (So Do I)" Halestorm

My lips are pale and vicious.

You’re foaming at the mouth.

You’ve suffered in the darkness.

I’ll suck the pain right out.

So come and taste the reason

I’m nothing like the rest.

I kiss you in a way you’ll never forget about me.

Two Gray songs in a row. He is a firm believer that the best cure for pain is to leave it behind with fun and pleasure. Someone hurt you? Leave em behind and find something better. He doesnt get why it has to be any more complicated then that.

"Innocence" Halestorm

Is this what you wanted

Did I make your dreams come true?

You're sitting in a corner

Wondering what you got into

And you ache for things you don't understand

That your tears don't mean a thing

I only cum when you scream

Raven. I dont talk about her much. Micheal is angry and Alex is Violent but Raven enjoys it. Raven wants to inflict pain not for revenge or to protect me... she wants to inflict pain because she enjoys it. She loves the idea of having power over another person and being able to control the difference between their pleasure and their pain. finding out just what it would take to push someone to the point where the carress of fingertips and the carress of a blade provoke the same reaction... be it screams or moans. Raven came to being during a time in my life when all i did was suffer... and when all you do is suffer you find ways to enjoy even that.

"Leave it all behind" Cult to Follow

Forget the decay

And the endlessness of all of our mistakes

Forget all the blame

And the apathy

And throw it all away

Forget the Pain

Forget the Hate

Forget all your Enemies

They never will break you again

This would probobly be most associated with my serpent. He isnt vocal... he is cold and empty... armored and predatory. He is instinct and survival. He turns me off. When my emotions are more then i can handle his scales harden me and keep them out... better to feel nothing then to be overwhelmed.

"My Songs know what you did in the Dark" Fall Out Boy

A constellation of tears on your lashes

Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes

In the end everything collides

My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

Another Micheal... have i mentioned he is loud? I think one of the largest things that fuels his rage is the fact that maybe I would be so much healthier if someone had jus seen what was going on when i was a child and helped me then... no instead the schools were content just labeling me "Antisocial with Anger Control Issues and an Overactive Imagination" Fucking lazy ass socalled professionals...

"What I've Done" Linkin Park

I'll face myself

To cross out what I’ve become

Erase myself

And let go of what I’ve done

This song speaks to me but its hard to pinpoint why. Theres alot in my life i regret... Life needs a Do-over button.

"Porn Star Dancing" My Darkest Days

She wraps those hands around that pole

She licks those lips and off we go

She takes it off nice and slow

Because that's pornstar dancin'

Gray loves this song... not only for its literal lyrics bot also for the fact he has convinced himself its one long ass Blowjob analogy.

"Runnin" Adam Lambert

'Round and around I'd go, addicted to the numb

Living in the cold

The higher, the lower the down, down, down

Sick of being tired and sick of waiting

For another kind of fix

The damage is damning me down, down, down

Love this song... Speaks to me but at the same time it is one that im not sure who in my head reacts most. It just makes me happy.

"Save Yourself" My Darkest Days

You’re the perfect drug when it hurts like hell

I've never needed anyone so much

There’s no-one else I love and I curse myself

Cause the right thing is to give you up

I’m overcome by shame cause I can never change

And you can never understand my sickness

(I’ll never understand my sickness)

This is a Micheal. He is angry and violent and seeks pain on others... but there are people he cares about. He doesnt want to hurt them but he cant change what he is. So I try to keep him tempered with the lighter voices despite him being by far my strongest.

Bah i'm gonna stop here. Theres a few more songs on the list but they are mostly just because i really enjoy the sound of em. Ill put them in a quick list.

"I am Murloc" Elite Tauren Chieftain

"Bad Girlfriend" Theory of a Deadman

"Careless Whisper" Seether

"Chicken with a Train" Cowboy Troy

"Swing" Trace Adkins

"I dont Dance" High School Musical (Dont judge me!)

"Let it Go" Frozen (Dont you dare fucking Judge me lol)

#music #voices in my head #scream into the void

[dovechim]

I fell asleep last night I'm sorry askdjalk. I'm here now! Without further ado, let me begin - Long Story Anon

Okay. It was around February last year, when my friends told me we should go out to the club, because it had been ages since we all went out together, so I agreed. The night had started like shit for me: the second I stepped out of the cab, one of my shoes broke; the strap detached from the sole and my heel was shaking trying to keep myself balanced before we even got into the damn club! I told my friends maybe I should just leave but they insisted I stayed for at least a little bit, so I did.

Luckily they let us through the door quickly so I had to hold onto one of my friends' hand so I would end up sprawled on the nasty floor as we went down the stairs. The night was pretty uneventful, we were having a great time and one moment I spot a guy in the crowd. It was the weirdest thing, I didn't know where I knew him from, or even if I knew him, but he caught my eye and he looked damn familiar so I couldn't help but stare a little bit. I told my friend "Look at that guy, he's cute" ☆2

She turned around and agreed, and we just kept dancing like nothing happened. Not too long after, I was still dancing and see this guy in question approaching me. I'm not really used to guys I find attractive being the first ones to make a move, not to mention I wasn't dressed the most according that nights. In fact I was wearing a dress down to the knee as opposed to most of the girls wearing sexy af outfits all around me. So I hesitated at first, not sure of what exactly he really wanted ☆3

He then moved rather close and my friends looked at me with wide eyes, as in 'lucky bitch' lol, and asked me to dance. I usually say no, most guys in the club in my experience are assholes and after all I was just there to have fun with my friends, but considering I had taken an interest before, I agreed. Turns out he was quite really fucking drunk lol. He wanted to make out the second I said yes and I'm not really comfortable with that so I kept moving my head away and he'd only kiss my cheek☆4

omg :-( im terribly intimidated by drunk guys!!!!!

He asked my name and I asked his, it didn't ring a bell but I asked if we knew each other and he said no. I tried to dance decently with a broken shoe and as if it wasn't hard enough, his hands on the curve of my back kept moving down, he wanted pretty stubbornly to touch my butt, which I wasn't comfortable with. I looked at my friends and asked to be saved but they just, oblivious, thumbed up and continued with their own dancing, so I told this guy to stop. I wanted to leave and he let me go ☆5

ahhhh shit ur friends tho!!!! i would have been a right mess in ur situation lmao but i totally relate to the not wearing revealing things part!! i usually dont really go to clubs but when i do the most (or least lol) i’ll wear is like a crop top and a skirt. 

He whined a bit but was respectful with my decission, still stuck around a little bit to see if I changed my mind but I didn't. He'd ask my friends "why is she so mean" and they just laughed it off. For a drunk stranger he was rather sweet honestly, in his state he even charmed my friends. Eventually he got tired and left, walking past a couple of times going to buy more drinks but we didn't interact any more that night. When the party was over I saw him again, turns out he'd gone there with ☆ 6

A guy I'd gone to high school with, but it was dawn already and my friends were tired, my foot hurt from trying to keep my shoe on despite it being broken so we just walked to a cab and he didnt even look my way as I walked by. In the cab I told my friends about the ass grabbing, which I'm not gonna lie, I liked lol but I just didn't feel like it was the right place for that and they apologized, saying they thought I really wanted to dance with him and that's why they didn't pull me out ☆ 7

I stayed at my friends' house afterwards, and didn't give this guy much thought for a while. The next weekend me and one of the friends' I'd gone with the Friday before, had a birthday party which we attended. By the time I got home I recieved an instagram request from, you guessed, ass touching guy! I had no idea how he found me, or my name or my account, but he did and I accepted. Turns out as opposed to what usally happens, he was way cuter with better lighting than he looked that night ☆ 8

He messaged me shortly after, and it's been a while so I don't really remember the details of that first conversation but he said that whole night is a blur, but someone told him he'd made out with a girl that night and he went through hell to be able to find out what my name was. Now, is it the most romantic way of meeting someone? No, but men usually don't even bother giving you a second look so the fact that he even ASKED about me was new to me. He invited me to the movies that friday ☆ 9

gahhhhh this is so cute! i would have dismissed the night bc it didnt seem to end that well, but the fact that he remembered even after he was drunk is so sweet!!! and agreed lmao meeting someone at a club isn't my ideal way to start a rs :”)

And I usually, being an extremely shy person, come up with excuses to get out of having to say yes. But he seemed really sweet so I agreed. He said he'd pick me up at home, which was again something very new, as most guys my age aren't that chivalrous lol and idk I just had a good feeling about him. I'd been single for over 20 years, virgin, never in a relationship, tbh I felt like it was about time I stepped out of my comfort zone ☆ 10

We discovered we were in the same classes in uni, majoring in the same thing! We probably crossed paths hundreds of times and didn't even notice each other (but I knew he seemed familiar!), he told me it was pretty lucky that he got to find out my name: a girl from his HS happened to be there that night, who happened to know one of the girls in my group of friends whom I hadn't gone out with in TWO YEARS, so she told this girl my name and she told him and that's how he found me ☆ 11

Never have I had such a perfect first date. We were both freezing in the movies, he tried not smoothly at all to put his arm around me to keep each other warm; he offered to pay for everything against my complaints so for dinner I ordered some coffee and fries which he found gross. It was past midnight when we left the theater so he asked if I wanted some drinks, neither of us clearly wanting to leave each other just yet, so I agreed. He took me to a magical place with fairy lights ☆ 12

A bar that had tables amongst trees in a 'backyard'. We talked about his family, about mine, about our career, about so many things I was having a hard time keeping count. I would fall for him harder with every passing second; I felt like I was in a movie! Soon, it was past three in the morning and I found myself not wanting to let go of him yet, and that never, NEVER happens to me. He was such a gentleman he put film love interests to shame... ☆ 13

He'd open every door, pull out my chair, keep a respectable distance and many other little things I'm not sure he was aware of, but were the first of many things that would make me fall in love with him so fast I wouldn't even know what hit me. I made clear at one point that we hadn't kissed that night we met, I just don't really do that at all and he apologized for his behavior, telling me he'd went out to celebrate a milestone with his friends and drank way too much ☆ 14

He usually never drinks so heavily, or even goes out partying, let alone that one place, but one of his friends knew the door man so we both went to the same club. It all seemed so perfectly designed? So many coincidences could be count for it to be, you know...a mere coincidence. In that moment, and bear with me bc I know it's lame, it felt like it was destiny that we met each other that night. He was as perfect as they come and I knew that first night I'd already lost. I was falling for him☆15

If you want me to give you some character background I'm the most skeptical little shit. Yes I enjoy love stories but I'm damn convinced love isn't real. People just feel lust for each other, but love? Nah man, that doesn't exist. Yet with only one date this guy had changed my entire mind set and I just KNEW he was going to be the end of me. But for some reason, knowing with such intensity I'd end up hurt, I decided to let myself fall hopelessly for him ☆ 16

He, and I wasnt really surprised, asked if I wanted to go to his place after we left the bar. I couldn't blame him, the sexual tension was unbearable through the whole night, and if I wasn't this unexperienced I would've said yes without hesitation. But I didn't want to ruin everything being incredibly disapointing after the 1ST DATE. Not to mention we hadn't even kissed yet. So asked if he could just take me home and he said yes. He parked in front of my house and we sat there in the dark ☆ 17

The soft music playing from the stereo, and I forgot to mention: his taste in music was flawless; yet another detail I loved him for. We were saying our goodbyes and I wanted really bad for him to lean in and kiss me, but he didn't and I didn't either. Not wanting for it to be too awkward, I just quickly kissed his cheek and stepped out of the car. I didn't even have to look to know he was disappointed. I knew I was. He waited until I got in, to know I was safe and then he drove off ☆ 18

I was walking on clouds. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. He'd been too perfect, the whole night had been perfect! But we didn't even kiss. So I went to bed, and checked my phone to realize he'd texted me the second he pulled out of the driveway. "You left too fast" He said. I squealed, we flirted, hinting at wanting to kiss the next time. THE NEXT TIME! I couldn't believe it. I had to be dreaming. That night I fell asleep the happiest I'd been in a while ☆ 19

i am so so so in love with your story up to this point but why do i feel scared??? :”( i vaguely recall that you told me your story didnt have a happy ending in one of your first asks right?? right now im just hoping i remembered wrongly and you guys are still together :-( it sounds so so so magical and i can relate to the not believing in love part!!! he seems really sweet when i would have been put off by his drunk behaviour lmao but im glad he wasn't like that!!

#answered #long story anon #Anonymous

[rqs902]

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ah hyt’s issues with being too passive and not wanting to speak up about problems bc he’s worried about hurting other people’s feelings reminds me of what happened to jin fan on snzm this week :\ except hyt had to figure it out on his own bc no one else noticed and he didnt say anything about it to anyone. jin fan was urged to speak up but hyt had to mull it over in his head and stress over it until he could come to the decision that he needed to do something to help his team.

i respect that he came to that decision on his own and acted on it. as someone who’s relatively passive and conflict-avoidant myself, i think that takes a lot of resolve and courage. 

aw im happy xiao li got to sing too bc i really like his voice. what a talented boy! i think hyt is lucky the two of them give off the kind/gentle vibes so that he can pull them together. i dont know much about him, but i wonder if gem is right that hes had bad experiences with communicating with teammates (and aligning their hearts, as he said) before that’s led him to be more scared to be honest now. the 2 kids are like optimistic but you can tell hyt is so worried with their score ouch. 

wu xing’s voice is nice. im a wind player but with my limited knowledge of string instruments I feel like pengpeng’s playing is okay but not amazing. fsc’s bass is questionably out of tune?? or is it just me? something feels weird about his bass playing, it sounds kinda scratchy and sticks out to me too much, in like a weird way :\ but maybe its just because im used to hearing bass in classical music and not like this

LOL qiang ge being the buffer between jym and zk, are you sure youre gonna be okay child? the more i see qiang ge, the more smol he seems to me, like a cute child, who just happens to play the most blaring instrument LOL he seems very insecure about belonging on this show. he didnt want people to choose him unless they were absolutely sure in the first round, and then in the second round, he was so scared of ruining the next group that chose him and so grateful that they were willing to choose him and that they gave him so much encouragement to join their group. the fact that he needed that much encouragement and still felt undeserving is telling. the matching photo tshirts he custom ordered are cute! what a nice friend, to spend money on this to make everyone a little happier. i think its mature of him to encourage jym by saying he should think of the worst possible happening and try to accept it, to lessen his pressure. its still weird for me to realize people call zzn “nan ge” because he just seems so young in my mind lol but then you realize there are even younger kids on this show.

zhao ke’s rap was pretty good, i respect it. with that score i bet qiang ge’s gonna feel like it’s all his fault. i wonder if he blames himself or the instrument more for the fact that he was criticized for being too unvaried, but i feel like either of those is bad bc i feel like he should be proud of his instrument. 

aw maomao’s message and ljt’s response hahahhaha 

LOL ljt playing “who” and cutting it off abruptly. gao xin tai LOL 

ljt’s group’s perf def felt more complete. his voice is so nice, i still love it. i will say, i remember zhao tianyu sang this song on mrzz. i wonder if ljt remembers that too. 

hmm i really liked kxy’s singing voice, i thought it was really good, nicer than mz’s LOL but honestly i feel like i also understand from the teacher’s point of view, that he wasted their time and just didnt take their advice when they were trying to help him. hmm he seems likes hes very stubborn in doing what he believes, which isnt bad, he’s standing up for what he wants, but also then he immediately started crying when questioned about it. which makes me think hes not very confident in his choice and/or feels victimized/attacked for just doing what he wants. either way, kxy has shown he cries very easily lol. but i have mixed feelings about whether he’s handling criticism well. im not sure how old he is but he seems young 

LOL muji and swh just being like DELETE to wjy and being like straight up “it sounds bad” HAH im glad at least having two of them on the same page can put wjy in his place more LOL 

during the perf was muji holding the pick in his mouth? lol muji is such a 寶藏 with the bass guitar along with all his unique talents. this was a pretty epic perf, i thought theyd get a better score than that.

hm interesting that the uptown funk people told them tencent they needed to pay them more and tencent DIDNT, but they were still nice enough to approve their use of the song anyway bc of their “sincere” messages. wtf tencent. im pretty sure they have money to pay them more lol.

i kinda think yrz still seems a bit stiff to me onstage, like look at xiao zhi, hes literally so comfortable and free and hes so enjoying playing his bass guitar hes like having so much fun and is super into the music. at first i wasnt sure how well him and zy would mesh but wow hes really owned up to the avocado name LOL i feel like him and zy are really really caring older bros to yrz and hopefully yrz is super grateful bc he got super lucky. 

LOL TYLER FREAKING OUT OVER YRZ’S SMILE 

“NA GE XIAO RONG!!!!” 

HAHAHHAHAHAH 

i think it does say a lot that this perf got everyone like on their feet and grooving along, i see why they ranked 1st! 

kinda sad wsh was like yea no ones gonna notice us and then tencent proceeds to give them 5 seconds of practice room footage and the mentors are all shocked by the lowness of their score

hm :\ i kinda wanted to hear more about how they resolved the conflict between rainbow feeling too restricted by da xi’s more methodical approach to music. i think thats an interesting discussion, because i think both sides have their merits, so what kind of blend of a compromise will they come up with? and it does say a lot about their personalities. rainbow also feels similarly hesitant to reveal his feelings because of his friendship with da xi, which reminds me of hyt yet again but then this group got 5 seconds of footage in comparison so we dont really know how any of this got resolved. also how do they deal with mty sleeping and disappearing all the time?? i do think its kind of cute how mty seems to bend down and really direct his speaking towards the audience when talking to them. i really like their performance, this music style and fun-ness!

LOL the way ruiyang and yingge look at tyler is literally with such adoration wtf hahahahahaa and tyler buying them the bunny hats wtf this is so cute. feels very parental LOL theyre so supportive of him and helping him shine and tyler’s just like a child bringing them happiness LOL i think its notable that yingge says he feels like theyre all using their strengths in this perf bc thats #goals 

why do i feel like tyler and ruiyang ave absorbed yingge’s fashion LOL

THIS AESTHETIC 

i think u can tell like they (yingge?) put a lot of effort into communicating with the production team about their stage design. its not just about the music for them. lol this perf is shot like a music videoooo

ok im hesitant to comment on tyler’s trumpet playing bc it’s not very clean sounding to me, but you can tell hes putting a lot of effort into the small details still. and if hes been practicing a ton, i know it can be painful to try to play into that kind of mouthpiece cleanly with tired lips. he has yet to amaze me but it seems like he’s working hard so i respect that. hes also very lucky to be in a group with two supportive geges. like ps said, i think it is notable that ruiyang is doing so well in a genre of music he wasnt previously into. and yingge’s personality must be some kind of strong to really influence the other 2 so much 

aw tyler crying out of happiness and ruiyang just bursting out laughing and pats tyler’s head with a “早講嗎!" bc he was worried about tyler being sad hahahahaha he just sounded so taiwanese there it made me happy. aw tyler must be really well loved by all the geges who crowd him with hugs when they see him crying like xiao zhi ahahah

oof samhar being brought to tears when gem notes how hard he worked on the composition. (oo xiao zhi helped him! - that’s it, im curious how old he is, so i went to his weibo and he’s just a little older than me! born in 95. but then i saw he and zy have made some conflict-confronting posts today and im like .-. what happened? not sure whats up, but it seems like theyre generally okay, fans seem mad tho) 

actually tbh totally makes sense to me why xiao zhi, rainbow, and yingge’s groups are the top 3 in that order, like their stages were really good and memorable. 

ouch qiang ge feeling all the guilt and like he doesn’t have the skills to do better :( why is the show ok with jym acting this way? why is there a lack of communication that leads him to not understand what’s going on with the votes? they chase after him, he’s moping, they just film him and are barely encouraging enough to get him to come back at the very last minute. im sure he’s very frustrated but its also unprofessional and disrespectful of him to leave like that. how does that make his group mates feel that hes just gone? this is all very questionable to me. 

wait i havent been keeping up with their current rankings but wtf the kids who are like super worried are like ranked super high??? like im assuming they’ll be fine?? like jym and hyt’s group members are all relatively high... (I realize now why hyt got so much screentime LOL hes #1....) im surprised tyler is so low and i wonder if he’ll get more popular after this ep lol 

anyyywayyy so it looks like they’re having a party and elims next week so im sure thatll be an emotional roller coaster... and snzm is having elims next week too so thats just great... double the disaster 

#rants

[itsdmod]

@letalisinsania submitted:

Hey :) I wrote something for you, nothing special. I was inspired by your headcannon with Kingfield in the coffeeshop and came up with this. So, this is for you, hope you like it, take care <3

Claudette yawned, laying her head from side to side, letting her neckbones crack. Dwight hissed „Can you stop that please, you know I hate that sound“ - „Well we actually all hate that sound“ Nea grinned, putting another stack of to-go-cups on the counter. Claudette yawned again, rubbing her eyes before looking back in her biology book. She had been up almost all night studying. Dwight saw the light in her room when he went to the kitchen twice, rumbling around in the fridge, trying to distract himself.He was someone who als always in his thoughts, thinking too much, but lately it got much worse. Not in a bad way though, but if your job requires you to handle coffee brewers, you better focus.

„Hey, the counter is clean enough“ he snapped out, his supervisor Jake pointing at the counter, that Dwight just cleaned for the fifth time. He sighted and put the cloth away. Almost 9am. He really hated this job, but he had to earn money to support himself for college. His parents didn’t do it, and they also didn’t really care if he went to college, or care in general, so he was on his own with that. Dwight hat gotten used to it since he was a kid, that his existence was accepted, but nothing that anyone seemed to enjoy or be exited about. He didn’t learn it any different, so he went along with it. He sighted, 2 more minutes till 9am. Was he unhappy? He couldn’t really answer that question. Sure there were people who had it worse, we wasn’t someone who complains, but he wished he could go out of his head sometimes.

The doorbell jingled, making Dwight leaving his trail of thoughts. He didn’t have to look up; the footsteps became familiar to him over the last few weeks, and even if that person would be floating into the coffeeshop; he would still knew it was him, since Dwight instantly felt the weird combination of his heart racing and his mind calming down.

„Good Morning Dwight“ he looked up. Hearing him say his name made his heart skip a few beats, every single time. „Good Morning David“ he said, and he was sure that his voice was shaking. „Damnit“ Dwight cursed at himself in his head.

„How are you?“ David smiled widely and sweetly. Good now that you are here. Great now that I get to see you. Tired since I usually spend my nights thinking about you. Hugging you. Your lips. Kissing you. Sad because I know you will never think this way about me….

Dwight cleared his throat. „Fine, how about yourself?“ David crooked his head, rubbing trough his hair. „I can’t complain.“ He was still smiling, a smile that could conquer a whole world.

Dwight remembered when David came into the coffeeshop for the first time. How he looked around, hesitant, and Dwight couldn’t take his eyes off him. That guy instantly fascinated him, and it wasn’t for his muscly arms, or that mischievous smile, not even the beautiful, deep eyes that were to die for. No, it was how David made him feel. How he stood there, at the other side of the counter, looking at him, and the carousel in Dwights mind stopped. All his thoughts were washed away. He just felt calm, comfortable..and peacefull. He couldnt stop staring at David and didn’t even mind if someone noticed. If someone talked about it. If someone talked about him at all. Nea tried to take Davids order but Claudette took her arm, talking about problems with the whipped cream, shoving her to the backroom.

David was still smiling at Dwight, didn’t make a move to order or say something. So Dwight just smiled back, feeling lighthearted and lightheaded. If it wouldn’t have been for Jake, who got impatient and forced Dwight to take Davids order, maybe they would still be standing there.

„The same as usual?“ - „Well you know me“ Dwight smiled, letting David pay for the coffee, waiting for Claudette to make it. There was no chance that he would leave the counter, letting this for him precious minutes pass until the order was ready. And Claudette made sure she was slowly. Very slowly.

„You have classes later?“ David asked. In the last weeks they both learned something about the other one every day. It wasn’t much, but Dwight clinged on every second, every word. „Yes, only afternoon classes today, after that, Claudette, Nea and I gonna go watch a movie“ - „Which one?“ David asked. „The new Thor one“ - „Oh thats cool, I wanted to see that one too“ - „Well, you should go see it, I gonna tell you tomorrow how it was.“ Dwight answered and smiled, not seeing Nea, who cleaned up a table, burying her face into her hands and shaking her head. „Order for David is ready“ Jake yelled a tone too loud. Dwight sighted, with Jake being here today, the time talking to David got a lot shortened. „Oh, seems like I have to get going.“ David said but didn’t make a move. „Dwight, there are customers waiting!“ Jake placed the to-go-cup in front of him, before heading to the backroom.

Dwight and David both reached out for the cup, their fingertips touching. It felt like a electric shock for Dwight, he pulled back, trying to cover up his feelings with a smile. David stared at the cup, just a moment too long, as he was about to say something. Then he cleared his throat. „Goodbye, see you tomorrow.“ He headed out, Dwight still looking after him after he was long gone.

„Youre such an idiot!“ Nea blurted out when they were on their way to the movies. „What have I done now?“ Dwight asked, already playing all kinds of scenarios where he could potentially have fucked up in his head.

„David!“ - „David?“ he asked. „Yes!“ She playfully hitted him on his chest „He wanted you to ask him out! He wanted to see the movie with you and youre all like „you should see it I gonna tell you how it was“ man, that was painful to watch. So, you’re an idiot.“ Dwight laughed fakely „If you really think he wants to go out with me, well, then clearly YOU are the idiot.“ She rolled her eyes. „Girl, back me up on this.“ Claudette layed her hand on Dwights shoulder. „Shes right, that guy is totally into you. We both watch this prancing that you two do every day. Just ask him tomorrow if he wants to see the movie with you.“ Dwight sighted „It’s nice of you to say that, but be realistic. A guy like that could never like me. Or love me. I can’t imagine how anyone ever could. Especially not if I like him back.“ Claudette stopped in her tracks „Stop talking yourself down like that, please. How come youre always at ease when hes around, you talk so freely with him, but after he leaves…“ - „I dont feel like going to the movies anymore. I wanna be alone.“ - „Dwight…“ but Dwight just walked away, heading home, leaving Claudette and Nea behind. Unfortunatly, his bad thoughts followed him, all the way home. Into his room.

Dwight layed on his bed staring at the ceiling. He played his meeting with David this morning over and over in his head again. Were the girls right? No it couldnt be. David was just a guy who likes coffee, not him. Who likes a nice conversation in the morning, not him. There was nothing special or interesting about him, no matter how often the girls told him. He rolled on his side, hiding his face in his pillow. Truth was, he wanted David to tell him. He always felt special when he was around him, special to David. But he knew, only because he was feeling like that, didn’t mean this feeling was mutual. He doubted that he was special to David. Or anything at all to him. Dwight laughed to himself. „Maybe I should just ask him to go see the movie with me. Whats the worst that could happen? I could never see him again. Never. And thats why I would never dare…“

When he got up the next morning Dwight felt really bad for ditching the girls like that. Thats not how he usually was, they were his friends, they wanted to help him, and he acted out on them. He wanted to apologize, but Claudette and Nea didn’t even let him finish. „No reason to apologize, we shouldn’t have pushed you like that, all right?“ Claudette smiled and them hugged him. Dwight sighted, that didn’t take away his guild but it made him slidely feel better. They opened the coffeeshop and Dwight found himself staring at the clock, getting more and more impatient each second.

„Calm down man, he will come“ - „Its almost 9:30, he wont come!“ Nea patted his back „He will! And Jake comes in later so dont worry, I will fuck his coffee up many times, you will have all the time in the world to talk to him“ she grinned. Dwights mind was racing. What if someone happened to David? That thought alone made his chest feel so tight that it was hard to breathe. Or what if he grew tired of coming here? What if he decided the good coffee isnt worth an annoying barista? What if he hates me? What if he really wanted me to ask him out..oh god what if he thinks I hate him? But well, what if he hates me?? And I never see him again?? He took of his glasses and a deep breath. He wouldnt have a mental breakdown right here right now. But what if David really hated him? It wouldnt surprise him at all. Maybe it would be for the better if he never came back. After all, Dwight was used to being let down, being alone wasnt make him happy, but at least it was a persistence in his life. „Good Morning Dwight.“ Dwight winced, quickly putting his glasses back on. He blinked. „Everything allright with you?“ Davids deep voice ringed in his ears. He could just nod, smiling, and feeling as reliefed as he never felt before.

David smiled, wearing a button uped shirt with short sleeves and Dwight almost forgot to start breathing again. „Yes, I am, how are you, anything new with you?“ Dwight asked, trying his very best to stop staring at Davids biceps.

„Our coffee brewer has some problems today, it will take some time, sorry“ Nea shouted and well, David didn’t really look disappointed about it.

He leaned a bit forward, propping his arms up on the counter. Dwight was damn sure David could here his heart beating. „How was the movie?“ - „Oh..I didn’t see it, something came up, another time.“ ask him to go with you! Dwight screamed at himself in his head, but he remained silent. David did the same, they just smiled at each other, and it was a comfortable silence. Dwights eyes wandered and he noticed the liontattoo on Davids arm. „Oh, cool!“ he breathed out, and, without thinking or doubting, he ran a finger over the outlines of the tattoo, not even realising he was touching him. „I like it.“ he said, looking up at David and smiling. Davids face was bright red, he pulled back his arm, and Dwight could swear he felt goosebumps on his arm. Then it hit him. He had touched David, and not in a -patting-on-the-shoulder way. Why, whyyyy…he cried out in his head. Why did I do it, where is my hesitation and selfdoubt when I really need it?? Dwight didn’t know how to react, or what to say. If he didn’t fuck it up before, he for sure did now. David didn’t move, he looked like he was glued in place.

Claudette was sitting a few metres away, acting so far like she was glued to her book, but always keeping an eye on Dwight. She saw how they both stood there, helpless, and although it was cute to watch, she wanted to help.

„Could you two help me? I am slowly close to despair. I can’t seem to memorize any of this“ She placed her book there where Davids arm leaned before. David seemed relief for the disturbance, Dwight still lost in a chain of thoughts racing trough his mind. David cleared his throat, face still red. „Sure, what can we help you with?“ - „Here, I need to memorize the meaning of the flowers, but its so hard.“ Dwight wanted to run away, just run and never look back, but Claudette made big puppy eyes, and he couldn’t say no to a friend in need. He bend over the book, reading a few meanings. Well he read them, but didn’t understand a word. David was leaning over the book from the other side and he could breathe in his scent. David smelled like a sunrise at the ocean to him. Like love. Like comfort. David cleared his throat, started to ask Claudette a few meanings of various flowers, but everytime Claudette just shook her head, sighting in frustration. Dwight had to admit that he found that quite odd, since he never saw her struggling with everything like that. „Maybe learning from hearing it is easier, you know, like memorizing the lyrics of a song.“ She said „Like here, you ask Dwight and I listen.“ Dwight had no idea were Claudette was going with that, but everything was better to him now than facing that stroking embarassment. Still he couldn’t get himself to look at David again. He heard Nea fumbling with the coffeebrewer. He wanted her to finish it quicker, but he also wanted her to take forever.

Claudette was still pointing to a specific flowers in the book. David cleared his throat again. „Uhm…lavender rose, what does that one mean?“ Now Dwight looked at him again, meeting Davids gaze made his racing and stopping at the same time. „I have no idea“ he said, laughing shyly. David looked back in the book, laughing nervously. „So, what does it mean?“ Claudette asked him. „It means…love at first sight.“ David coughed, his face still bright red or red again. Dwight didn’t know what to say, or feel, or do. He wanted to think about again how stupid the thought alone of David loving him was, but he couldn’t get himself to do it. Or how stupid it was to think about it just because David was reading something from a stupid book. He couldn’t do that either.

„Okay, now you!“ Claudette turned the book around, pointing at a certain paragraph „ask him.“ Dwight looked at the pointed at picture, it was a lily. He didnt read the meaning beforehand, otherwise he could never ask. „Uhm, the lily.“ - „You have to tell me, I don’t know that“ David smiled. „It means…I dare you to love me.“ Dwight read the words before his mind was processing what he was saying. He could feel his face heating up, his heart sank into the ground, his mind screaming, but when he looked up at David, he forgot all of it. He instantly was thrown back to the sunrise at the beach, the comfort, the calmness. David didn’t say a word, he just looked at Dwight, looked away, back at him again, smiling akward, then widely, and Dwight had to correct himself; THIS was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Maybe there was still hope, even for him.

„Thank you, I think I can handle it from now on“ Claudette took her book and sat down at the other side of the counter. Dwight wanted to say something, but even more, he just wanted to stare at David. „Your coffee!“ Nea placed the cup on the counter, grinning from one to another, Dwight thought about hitting her. David must have been deep in his thoughts cause he startled at the sudden interruption, looking at his watch „oh my, I am already way too late, I am sorry, I…see you tomorrow.“ he took the coffee and headed towards the door, running against it when he tried pushing instead of pulling it, almost dropping his coffee. Then he was gone. Dwight glared at Nea „why, Nea, WHY?“ she looked apologetic „Jakes shift started a few minutes ago he already gave me suspicious looks…but wow that was something wasn’t it?“ - „Yeah, he ran away.“ - „I don’t care, I watched everything, what do you think why I made you read that stuff about the flowers? If you say one more time he isn’t into you I gonna…“ Claudette was interupted by Nea who pointed at the door „Speaking of which“ Claudette and Dwight looked to the door. David was pacing back and forth outside, it looked like he was mumbling something or talking to someone. Dwight went around the counter to have a better few. What was going on with him?

David fumbled with the cup, Dwight still couldn’t see too much. David came back to the door, stopped in his tracks, waited, then he came back in. „Everything okay?“ Dwight asked, not knowing what else he could do. Maybe David came back to throw the coffee in his face, who knows.

David reached him, holding the cup tight. „Uhm yeah, here, take this back.“ Dwight frowned as he looked at David, holding the cup out to him. What was happening? „Why? Anything wrong with the coffee?“ - „Please, just take it!“ David came closer, putting the cup in Dwights hands. „Is something wrong with the coffee?? We will make you a new one, please..please don’t stop coming here every morning..“ Dwight wasn’t sure why he said that or how he build up the courage to do so, but he wanted David to know that he couldn’t lose him.

„I won’t stop…“ David took a deep breath, already half turned to the door, when he suddenly launched forward, hugging Dwight. It was a short hug, but a tight and gentle one. „Okay, bye!“ David let go and was already out the door before Dwight could breathe again. Neas cheering rang in his ears, he was gripping the cup so tight that he almost smashed it. „Wooow, Fairfield, good for youu!“ Dwight still stood there like a statue, he could still feel Davids embrace, never wanting to let go of that feeling again. „Nea, the customers are waiting!“ Jake yelled, and Nea was back behind the counter after she rolled her eyes. „Hey, you okay there?“ Claudette was beside him, laying an arm on his shoulder. Dwight nodded, looking down at the cup, when he realized, there was something written on it. He read it and smiled widely. „You know that feeling Clau, when someone hugs you so tightly, that all of your broken pieces get put back together?“ - „No, I don't“ - „Me neither, but I do now.“ Claudette smiled widely, rubbing his back encouraging before going back to her books. Dwight walked, no floated back around the counter, looking at his watch, waiting for time to pass, for his shift to be over. He also waited for his mind to feed him all kinds of doubts, sad thoughts and bad scenarios. But none of that happened. He looked at the cup again. Maybe there was still a chance for him being loved back after all. „[phone number] Call me tonight if you dare. I am waiting. David.“

#Offerings #your art #submission #your fanfic #LITERALLY THE CUTEST THING IVE READ IN A WHILE #im dying ghhh #youre really making me want to write a fluff fanfic because reading it was so cute i cant imagine what writing one feels like #this made my mood get somewhat better thank you <333 #it was so adorable #claudette tho what she did with the flowersssss shes a lil shit im dying #and nervous david about asking dwight out is always the cutest #sdjhsdjh

[autowrite]

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to  play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af.  I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3 

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much  pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea.  Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4 

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at  all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she  will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t.  I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6 

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed,  it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it,  have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9 

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside,  but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to  make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good

#ardennes #automaticwriting #autowrite #morningpages

[hidingmonster]

Part 1: The Orange Moon

I could see the moon outside the window of the car. It was full and beautiful, and i couldnt stop staring at it. The orange- red colors illuminated the night sky in a foggy haze. We had already had a great night, and the whiskey from my Irish coffee was still lingering in my senses. I could still smell the scent of sea water lingering in my nose, sand shifted in my shoes and my hands smelled of the Earth. Everything had been beautiful, our trip to the coast, to Point Lobos had been sucessful and i would remember this day for always. Kota, my fiance, had even bought us some pretty rings from one of the cute boutiques we explored. Mine, a small dark silver ring with a tiny diamond and some small tribal markings in the metal fit my pinky perfectly. I fell in love with it as soon as i picked it up. She picked out a beautiful dark silver ring with three dark pale purple stones encrested on it. It was beautiful and reminded me of her in some strange way. It fit perfectly on her middle finger, decorating her other dark silver ring she also wore. I cherished this day worth something special. Something i would forever hold in a warm part of my heart. Gods forbid anything happen to this ring, id probably lose my shit- Honestly. The drive home was calming. My legs were tired and i couldnt wait to get home and get in our bed and just cuddle my girl and chill for the night. Sadly, we had about another 45 minutes before we were even home, but i didnt mind. I listened quietly as she bantered back and forth with her friend Ace who was driving. Something about the musketeers movie i think, i personally had no idea what they were even talking about but i was too into writting my story to really pay attention. My ears twitched to Kota's yawning in the back seat, "Ugh im getting tired, my eye lids are doing that heavy flutter thing, but nnoooope!" She said as she sat up from slightly laying down. I agreed, i was pretty tired from our adventure too. Thankfully my Wolf was satisfied and wasnt giving me a hard time about going home. She got an adventure out in the woods, a full moon and to see the ocean, it was pretty much perfect for her. But even Wolf was tired and ready for rest. We are what people would call "skinners". We have one specific spirit animal or creature we can shift into, Mine being a pale or black Wolf. On the other hand there were people like Kota, called "Morphers", who could shift into multiple animals or creatures. Kota could shape shift into a Wolverine and a great big Kodiak bear. Others could shift into special creatures or beast depending on who they were or their ancestry. We aren't a very popular form of species,  mostly hunted down in the dark days of "witch craft" and other horrific scenes. Me and Kota didnt really know any others like us personally either, though i knew of two i was very good friends with online. Both Wolf skinners just like me, so we sort of bonded that way. Since her Transition a few month ago, Kota's been very connected to her Wolverine skin. Female, but still strong and deadly in every way, and it suited her perfectly. We actually had an appointment soon for her name and gender change through the courts. I could tell how happy she was to finally be able to be herself fully, and i accepted her no other way. She was beautiful, well thought out and totally nerdy But i loved it. We worked perfectly together, and everyone could see it anywhere we went. She was the moonlight at the end of my darkest days, the warmth after being dead numb, and my pleasure after years of pain and suffering. She was my princess and i would die for her if need be. I was proud to call her Mine, and i was proud to be Hers. I focused on the headlights as Ace continued driving, trying to keep myself from letting my eyes close. My legs hurt and my stomach slightly churned in a sick manor. My organs were so sensitive, almost anything would cause them discomfort. City lights appeared over the hill and down the freeway, the sign for San Francisco came and went as we got closer into town. I sighed, relieved, we were almost home thankfully. I had recently moved to California about two years ago after meeting and becoming very close with Kota. We met online about four years prior, when she was still "Iron Bear" and a male persona. She had been going through a break up with her long time partner at the time and was very depressed and sad. I myself was with somewhat of a horrible person at the time, but we still talked online regularly until my partner became jealous and needed all of my attention of every single day. He was an abusive dickhead on all levels, and i stuck it out with that monster for 3 years before Kota helped encourage me to break up with him for my better well being. I was a twisted mess, i trusted no one, felt nothing and cared about no one. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my 3 month old husky pup named Nova. She was my breath of fresh air, the only thing keeping me tethered to sanity. But then i opened myself to Kota, and we got each other to laugh all night, to care about someone again, to not be heartless monsters anymore, And we learned to feel better. I snapped back to reality as Ace pulled off the freeway and into the Target parkinglot. "Really..?" I laughed. "Yes, i said i was stopping here!" He spouted. He had been searching all over for a Star Treck space ship of some sort. Some sort of collectable he wanted to decorate in his room. I didnt understand, and he hopped out of the car. "Are we home yet?" Kota mumbled from the back seat all tiredly. "No, not yet" i mumbled, and i could hear her settle back into laying down on the things in the back to get comfortable. I stared off into the parking lot, Watching the people come and go from their cars. Wondering which ones were gifted like us. I always assumed the worst, i always do when it comes to humans. I trust no one. The car beeped twice as Ace unlocked the door and shoved his collectable into the back seat with Kota. "Oh so you found it?" I asked laughing. He had been looking for this particular one all over, and couldnt find it anywhere. "Yes i did, shattup" he mocked because he figured id make fun of how nerdy he was for wanting a Star Treck collectable. But hey, people like what they like, im not gonna bash them for it. Back onto the freeway, and finally we were home free. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -☆- - - - - - Something im working on. Ill add a part 2 soon.

#story #writting #short story #personal #characters #fantasy #shifters #shape shifting #animals #wolves #love #transgender #adventure

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

#trumpet hate #personal #wow this was..... so much.......... #literally no one is gonna read this but it was mostly for me anyways so [shrug emoji] #caps / #negative / #self hate / #transphobia / #cissexism / #menstruation mention // #the experience #ask to tag

[x-puerbulla-x]

Im drainned dude

hi 10:33 18/08/2019

i need to vent my minds a mess idk, i havvent stopped in months and it has been very draining so i guess idk i didnt wannaa sounds cocky saying all the things i did but for the sake of me wanting tto le it out i will and all of this to lead uo tot he present that was me being eith my dad today and how it was, how i feel about it i guess. So it all starts back in may, 3 months ago, where i was trying to survive with my grades i had to make sure everything was gonna go smoothly in my desenho exam and then i also was starting to feel pressure cause june was coming uo and tbh june is just streeeessssfull, theres first mels birthday on 1st June and one week before we took her to the tosquia too, then theres Beas burthday but also my sobrinho santiago was born, on the 5th an then beas birthday is on the 6th, then theres the aniversary off bea and i's first date in the 16th wheere we had previously planned wed recreate to celebrate and then theres bea and i's actual birthday on the 22nd and we went to pride but i was all very hard cause idk i guess we wanted our first birthday to be good (or at least i really dis which gave it some pressure), but it happened;; we celebrated at pride cause we were lucky enouh this year it was on he 22nd, the 2 days later its my moms birthday and i usually dont do anything but this time i decided i was gnna do something and i did, i recreated her gradma's torta, clean the whole house spotless and then i recreated a card i had made for her back in '06;;; on top of all of these ne is exam seasson and i had to hardcore study for gd everyday trying to reach a unreachable goal of 67 exercises, with so much gd i ended up forgetting a litte about portugues and had to study last minute, luckly i knew what i was doing cause m aware i know pessoa pretty well so my plan was just to study the rest but i dont think i gave it enough time sinse i had an 8, the to desenho i didnt study cause cockly, i dont need to, i had a 13,4 which i wasnt happy with but thats life i guess, it wasnt woth the money tryng to ask for a revisao, well, and at gd i had a 5, when i needed a 10 cause i was aluna externa this resulted that after this hell of a month i had to suffer another one cause i neeeded to learn everything i didnt lean in 1 and a half years id gd, in les than a month so i had to stuy like a crazzy person, this time i didnt have to do 67 exercices it was a lot less but still i couldnt do it and i did as much as i could and more i broke down 10000 billion time ad i thought i couldnt do it i didnt fee prepared and tbh i was terrafied cause if i faied this exam i didnt have my 12th grade done and it as a pain in the ass to think about but still after madess of stdying gd all day and until 5 am i did it only with a 11;;; but i didd  it then that hell of a month ended and we get to this present moth but before that had sams birthday coming up and i wanted to surprise him with a cake cause bea and i had offered him cookie cake not knowing he was vegan now and it was dissapointing when we were like ,,, so you cant have it? cause we didnt know we wasnt jus veegetarian anymore blah blah blah, i had to do preaparations for his birthday and it was stressful, i wanted it to be good, the the day after we celebrate sams birthday im still not able to sit and relax a little cause its 2nd august and bea and i are going to veiros, dont get me wrong i was the one deciding to go but god i was tiring, i had more fun than last time i was there but theere wasa lot more stress too cause renataa was trying to cionvince us to go to university the whole time and it was a pain tbh cause i didnt know what to do but i ha a slight ide that i did wanna go bt then the problem was that because of that they ere all using me as an eexample to convince bea and i felt pressure to be like yeah im absolutely for sure going;;; at the end of the say i didd decide i wanted to go but then i was more stressed cause the dates were ending an i didnt havee my passe for dges cause there was a problem with it and my fcha enes was stuck to cause apparently you had to do thing in the secretaria to pik it up so i emailed the help line of dges for the password and asked my mom to go to school to ick up my ficha and ii did manage to have the pass in time but then the lady lied about the time the secretaria was open apparently cause when lena and my mom went there it was closed and i gess that meant that steess was over but id didnt manage to do the cadidatura in the 1st fase,;;;; which later on i found out i couldnt even do in the first place cause people with exams in the 2nd fase cant do the candidatura in the 1st fase soyahhhh unnecesary stess and now i need to wait until 9th september to do my candidatura and pray im accepted indesenho or pintura cause i do not want escultura as a everyday thing or at least i dont think i do ~ so;;; were n veiros also therees tension in the air cause tia tania an vo rosa are mad at each other, we did a lit of things everyday ehch made it less boring but i was so tired already that doing so much stuff wasnt my favourite at times now we came back 4 days ago but i still havent stoped and im tiredddddd, i think i only stayed 1 day home and it was to clean, we arrived in the 12, i slept in beas house and stayed ther the 13th, then i was home on the 14th, then there was the attempt to go to school take care of the ficha and it as closed but then spent the day with david and sof and bee, then my brother invited me to go meet santiag and then i actually went to school again and go stuff done and then the day arrived and i spent the day with andre and the baby, a friend, lena and rafaela, and her mom too for a bit (she was nice). all pf this leading up for today and this week, today i met with my dad just outside my house, he had miriam and pff idk he was having a talk to me cause we walked shiro and he was just saying o ho mirriam remind him of me and how were very alike and idk what to think of that, he said or drawings are the same and that she has my feitio, asked me to go to his place some day and all and idk it was confusing, he made me remember memories i was repressing, good ones but idk if itss good for me to remember those things, he reminded me of when i used hus bike and surprised him cause i was sall and he used to be on a bike aand id always ask like you could let me use it and etc etc and he was like come on mariana podes la tua andar com a bicicleta do pai its too big and all that and i told hm i couldnt go on it alone cause it was to tall but if he put me up there i could ride it and he did probably just to shit me up and i rode it to the end of the street did a cirve and got back and he was choked and all of this cause he said he really wanted miriam to learn too. he compared me a lot to her and talked about ho he still has lots of my stuff;;;;;;; i complainted about my doctor octopus;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; i guess it was to avoi talking about the situation with lena but he did meantion her at all ot as little as possible and it was weird cause that made it so that the way it was talking it was like i was his only daugther or that lena was never there which made me wonder about things idk i guess i never realised to what degreee i was ay closer to my dad than lena, its no surprisse we always knew lena got the looks of his side of the family but i got the personalty thats why me and andre get along so well (also andres sun is my moon cough) im pretty sure me seeing my dad makes my mom sad too, understandably so i dont plan to do it often, not everyone can be happy in this story and its definitely not my mom going to be the one thats not happy, i own her everything i ever had and tbh i only acceot the times i do see my dad out of ity and guilt and cause admiditely i do miss and crave having a dad idk i guess i never had one for real but id like to, but it doesnt sound very realitic so im not too expectant i dont believe i is ever going to happen i hope days fro here forward are a little more chill although i doubt that, at least for a week or so, maybe a few days if im lucky but today im meeting bea and sleeping there se if thats a bit relaxing, then tomorrow im supposed to go soewhwere with david and sof and then the day after with david, sof and sam so yah know, a bit busy i wanted to pint and to draw do thins in my sketchbook cause there hasnt been much time ffor that or cabeça i guess and knoowing myself i feel like that might work on making me a little better before the mess starts again cause of the candidaturas in like 2 weeks

anyway

12:46 18/08/2019 bye