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goddessofthundathighs · 5 years

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VIII. CONFESSIONS

The dull morning sky was soon cloaked in light as the sun made her grand appearance. Blankets of orange and pink illuminated the sky, casting an ethereal glow through the large bay window of O’Shea’s bedroom. The soft, sensual sound of Ari Lennox’s voice could be heard faintly in the background, the perfect soundtrack to the lovemaking that was taking place. O’Shea panted softly as Erik lazily thrust into her, slowly and deliberately, making sure she felt each stroke. Her hair was a messy halo around her face as she gazed up at him, eyes blown in pleasure. Her vocal cords had been silenced some time after Erik choked her and told her that she was his and his only. One of his hands was currently fisted in her coils while the other gripped her headboard, anchoring his position above her. Her nails dug deep into the skin of his back, a sting that hurt so good as Erik’s hips snapped into her, grazing her g-spot with deadly precision.

“What’s my name, Princess?” he whispered against the shell of her ear before pulling on her earlobe softly with his teeth. She choked out a soft whimper as her walls repeatedly clenched and released around him.

“You cummin’ again, ma? You ‘bout to coat Daddy’s dick with that sweet cream again?” Her nails dug deeper into his back as she felt that familiar tingle building in the pit of her belly.

“Give it to me, baby,” he groaned, prolonging his release until she came undone again. She chewed her bottom lip, opening her eyes to finally look up at him. The sight took her breath away. His dreads were a mess atop his head and his bottom lip was between his teeth revealing his golden canines. The sunlight gave him a golden glow, one that made him look more like a God than a man. The sight brought tears to her eyes.

“What’s my name, Princess? You doing more whimpering than talking. Tell me who owns this pussy. Tell me who Daddy is..”

The theme song to Game of Thrones pulled O’Shea from her slumber.

“Son of a bitch!” she screamed as she rolled out of bed and stomped angrily to her alter, muttering nonsense as she lit her goddess candle. The black and gold statue of Bast stared back at her, almost teasingly as she lit her white sage and cleansed her bedroom as well as herself.

“If you’re not gonna manifest him as my man, keep him out of my dreams,” she spat before praying and asking for forgiveness for her foolish words. She knew better than to disrespect her goddess and set out some honey and chocolate as peace offerings. Once she finished her morning prayer ritual, she showered and headed to the shop. Today was the day Erik was to return home and she needed to get through her day as quickly as possible if she wanted to see him. Per his request, she had refrained from calling or texting him and in her opinion had done well in not thinking about him in general until two nights ago. That’s when he began manifesting in her dreams, each time they were either having sex or he was professing his love to her. She took those as positive signs, but currently their situation was still very much one-sided. She wondered what he’d have for her when they were finally face to face. Would this meeting end in goodbye? Had she gone through this whole come to Jesus meeting for nothing? She shook her head softly to rid herself of negative thoughts. It had been a long week and no matter how things would play out on the relationship front, she missed her friend and was happy that he was back.

“I got the grant!” Skylar screamed happily from her office chair, causing O’Shea to jump from the sudden squeal.

“What grant?” O’Shea asked quizzically, meeting Sky in the doorway of her office.

“Recently I’ve been looking into surrogate partner therapy and its effects on the female orgasm and I just got the funds to begin independent research and practice!”

“What in the world is surrogate partner therapy?” “It’s what the name says it is. The therapist of a single client will implement a surrogate partner to help said client in their sexual dysfunction.”

“So basically a prostitute for the sake of mental and sexual health?” “Yes and no. The difference between prostitution and SPT is that prostitution focuses solely on sexual gratitude. With SPT, sexual and sensual touch is rarely involved. It mainly focuses on helping clients build social and physical self-awareness, consciousness, and skills in the areas of physical and emotional intimacy.”

“Interesting. So how much funds were we given for said research?” “Eight figure funds,” Skylar cheesed, still unable to contain her excitement. “We should go out to celebrate! Everything on me,” she exclaimed.

“Hell yes, we should. Who knows, you might get yourself a freak for the night,” O’Shea teased, causing Skylar to turn her nose up playfully.

“Well if you must know, I already have my eye on someone.” “That little light bright that came in here the other day? What was her name? Oya?” Skylar smiled softly at the thought of her latest potential conquest.

“Yes, Oya.” “Do you and Erik make moves on all of your patients?” O’Shea teased, which caused Skylar to clutch her imaginary pearls.

“If you must know, you and Oya are both special cases. I’ve been too hung up on Monica and Erik was a stickler for keeping his business and personal lives separate.

“I was only teasing. You and her would be cute together though and we already know she’s a lesbian so there’s a plus there.”

“You’re right, but I’ve gotta take things slow. It’s very much illegal and unethical for us to engage in any type of intercourse while she’s my client so I’ll have to tread lightly in that area.”

“So like you could lose your license?”

”If things went sour and the board found out, yes. The difference between Erik and I is, he’s using himself as the surrogate and on paper, I’m listed as your therapist. A loophole so to speak.” “But Erik and I haven’t had sex.” “No, but you’ve explored other methods of intimacy and other sensual practices, correct?” O’Shea was quiet as she thought about the time she and Erik had spent outside of his office. There were many instances in which lines were crossed, but she had no idea they held such severe consequences. Sky noticed the worried look in her eye and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“Calm down, kid. Everything’s going to be fine.” “But you just said --”

“I know what I said and I also know Erik Stevens. If everything plays out the way we want, everyone will get their happily ever after and the board will be none the wiser.” O’Shea nodded, trusting her friend. Her mind couldn’t help but dwell on the words ‘happily ever after’. Did this mean that she and Erik shared similar feelings? She smiled to herself as she walked back to the design table, stealing a glance at the time. She wanted to text him, but stopped herself.

“Only a few more hours to go.”

Skylar’s deep wavy locs blew in the wind as she made her way to The Grove. She and Oya had agreed to meet at Blue Ribbon Sushi Bar to discuss how the toys she’d suggested had worked out. She also wanted to apologize for the way their last meeting had abruptly ended thanks to Monica. The Grove was one of her favorite places to go for lunch because of its open concept. It was springtime and the last thing she wanted was to be cooped up inside while the weather was so nice out. She smiled softly as Oya’s curly blonde fro came into view. As she stepped closer she saw that she was wearing a black cropped top, ripped blue jeans and open-toe sandals.

“Hey there, gorgeous,” she said with a smile as Oya pulled her in for a hug.

“Hello yourself, Dr. Greene. You look amazing,” Oya replies looking her up and down. Though her outfit was simple, a red and yellow top that said ‘ Honey’, some blue jean shorts and matching Vans, Oya watched her as though she were otherworldly. After exchanging hugs and hellos, the pair sat down and began looking over the menu.

“Before we discuss the toys, I want to apologize about how our initial meeting ended.” “No need, I didn’t feel offended. If anything, I wanted to pop ole girl for the way she barged into your shop. Is she always like that?” “Yes and no. She has her days, but you need not worry about that anymore. Now, down to business, how did the toys work for you?”

“They worked surprisingly well for a minute, but I think I need something…. More.”

“Explain.”

“I enjoyed being able to time the toy and the thrill of trying to make myself cum, but edging is so much more fun when you have someone else setting your limits, you know?” Oya explained with a sly smirk.

“So you like being told what to do and when to do it?” “Oh I love it, almost as much as I love not doing what I’m told.” “So you’re a brat?” Oya’s answer wasn’t verbal, but her smirk said it all. “Have you been in a domme/sub relationship before, Ms. Ramirez?” “Yes, but my last domme wasn’t what I needed. She was good at playing scenes, but it was hard to pull herself out of the dominant role and she never gave me any aftercare.” “So she was an emotionally abusive bitch that got off on your pain?” “Pretty much.” “Terrible.” “But, when I spoke to Dr. Stevens, he said that you could possibly help me. I get domme energy from you.” “Domme energy?” Skylar asks with a chuckle. It was true that she and Monica had done a few scenes during their relationship, but she hardly considered herself a domme.

“Yeah, domme energy. You command attention when you step in the room and I feel that if you snapped your fingers, every man and woman here would kiss the ground you walk on. You might not see it, but you have serious big dick energy.” Skylar laughed then, because Oya wasn’t the first to tell her that.

“Are you asking me to be your domme, Ms. Ramirez?” “I’m asking you to treat me and if that treatment involves me being your submissive, I wouldn’t be opposed,” Oya replied smoothly. Skylar nods as the waitress comes over to take their order.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

Megan Thee Stallion’s voice filtered the club as Cash Shit thumped through the speakers. Behind the velvet rope of the VIP section, Skylar and O’Shea sat with Erik and a few other colleagues as three cocktail waitresses came by with 3 bottles of Ace of Spades topped with sparklers.

“Congratulations to my best friend on securing the bag for her research,” Erik toasted as he poured Sky another glass.

“Thank you bestie, glad you could make it.” “Now you know I wouldn’t miss this night for the world, no matter how jetlagged I am,” he said with a wide smile, cutting his eyes at O’Shea every now and then. He had been watching her intently since he stepped foot in the section, admiring how well the gold long sleeved dress accentuated her curves and complimented her skin. She looked like a trophy and he was ready to have her on his arm officially, but he had to tread lightly. He didn’t want to be too forward and scare her away, but he also didn’t want to move too slow and push her into the arms of someone else. He was still fighting an internal battle that was pulling him in different directions.

“This shit is smoother than I thought,” O’Shea quipped as she finished her third D’usse Sidecar.

“That means you’ll be drunk before you know it,” Skylar noted, picking up on how relaxed and loose Shea appeared. “Ready to take it in?” Shea nodded swiftly, stumbling slightly as she stood from her spot on the couch.

“Guess it’s a good thing you drove,” Erik stated to Sky as he lead O’Shea out of the club by her hand.

“Yep, I already knew how this would go. I’m gonna take our Princess home and I’ll call you once I make it in.” “Sounds like a plan. Night Princess,” Erik gestured to O’Shea as he walked back to his NSX.

“Night Daddy,” O’Shea slurred slightly as she slid into the passenger seat of Skylar’s Maserati. Erik stopped, turning to chance one last glance at O’Shea as Skylar guided her into the passenger seat. He contemplated jogging back over to her, using the fact that they needed to have another session as a means to linger in her presence, but he resisted. He decided to wait until they were both completely sober, that way they could both clearly articulate whatever it was that they were feeling. He opted to follow Skylar, using the fact that he wanted to make sure O’Shea got home safely as an excuse before closing the door to his NSX and revving the engine. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Skylar, he just needed to see O’Shea one last time before he called it a night.

The ride back to O’Shea’s was quiet. Skylar chuckled softly as she glanced over at the sleeping beauty, her head nestled between the glass of the window and the passenger seat. She snored softly, a sign that she’d partied a little too hard. Skylar helped her out of the car before fishing the house key out of her bag and guiding her inside to her bedroom.

“Do you need me to stay with you?” “No, I’ll be fine,” O’Shea’s soft voice called from the bathroom. Though she was drunk, she was still coherent enough to remove her makeup and finish her other night time rituals before climbing into bed. No sooner had her head hit the pillow did her mind drift back to Erik. He looked and smelled amazing with the all black sequin tux and his dreads braided to the back. He had purchased another set of fronts while he was away in Wakanda, this one being white gold with diamond settings and the sight of it shining in the low lights of the club had O’Shea itching for the chance to feel them against the sensitive skin of her vagina. The memory alone had her clenching her thighs. It had been months since the banquet where he'd had her wrapped around his fingers, literally. She wanted her thighs wrapped around his neck. It would have to happen sometime soon. Her hands found the inside of her thighs as she laid on her side. In her mind his fronts gleamed as he smiled, that professionally distant but slightly lustful look in his eye. Her thoughts faded.

Once Skylar was back in her car and on the road, Erik facetimed her. She had something to say and she'd been waiting all night, he could tell. He looked over at her face in the low light of the car.

“So how was the trip?” she asked as she weaved through traffic back to her condo.

“I was cool. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my family until I saw them, T’Challa included.”

“Well that’s good. Have you had time to think about your current situation?” There it was. That’s the question that Erik had both been dreading and waiting for.

“I have and I think I’m ready to make a move.” “You want to be with her?” Erik didn’t answer verbally, he just nodded.

Their conversation was interrupted by an incoming text message on Erik’s end. He waited until he came to a stop light to open the message, chuckling softly once he realized who it was from.

Shea smiled sleepily before placing her phone back on the nightstand. Her Daddy had missed her just as much as she missed him and hopefully he would give her one of the orgasms she’d been missing for the last few months. That thought alone was enough to lull her to sleep.

“What’s so funny and why you got me paused?” Skylar’s voice rang from the phone screen.

“My fault, ma, I got a message.” “Mmm. The little drunk baby misses her Daddy, huh?” “Man, chill on me. But if you must know, yes it was Shea.” “Oh I know. You two were eyefucking each other all damn night. Somebody needs to put on their big girl or big boy undies and say something.” “I got it, Sky. I set up an appointment for her tomorrow.” “That soon?” “I know me, I can’t put this off too much longer.” “Well whatever you decide, I’m behind you. You know that.”

“I know and I appreciate you for everything, ma. Have you met with Oya yet?” “I have. Her symptoms are almost like Shea’s but I think she’s more interested in hardcore BDSM and I haven’t dabbled in that in a while.” “Oooh, Oya about to meet Mistress Sky,” Erik teased with a wide grin.

“Nigga shut up!” Sky giggled. “Mistress Sky has long since hung up her whip and fishnets.” “”Mmhm, you saying that now. I think Ms. Ramirez might give you a run for your money.”

“We’ll see as time goes on. For now, I’m going to coax her into trying my methods on the partners she has now and if that doesn’t work, then we’ll try the SPT. I think she’ll take well to vabbing.” “Vabbing? You mean pussy juice perfume?” Skylar’s shoulders bounced as she laughed.

“I swear you get on my nerves.” “But that’s what it is! Rubbing pussy juice on ya neck for perfume.” “It’s more than that, asshole! The pheromones attract potential suitors. I was gonna have O’Shea try it too.”

“Aye! She don’t need to be tryna attract nobody else. Her suitor is right here.” “Oooh, somebody’s spicy,” Sky teased with a smirk.

“Mhm, keep playing, Nola."

O’Shea’s heels clicked happily against the marble floor of Erik’s office. She’d been excited all day at work, impatiently waiting for the 5:00 hour so that she could be back in Erik’s presence. She bounced happily in the seat across from his desk, waiting for him to finish a conference call before acknowledging him.

“You look beautiful,” he finally smiled, hanging up to take in her full appearance. She felt like she was glowing under his gaze.

"Thank you, Dr. Daddy," she grinned, hands clasped excitedly on her knees. "You look very handsome today."

"You think so," he teased resting his elbows on his desk. His hands folded under his chin as he leaned forward. "You had a long night. How's my Buttercup feeling today?"

"Buttercup misses you terribly," she pouted fussing with the hem of her skirt. Erik held his arms out, gesturing for her to come nearer until she was close enough for him to gently tug her arm. Pushing from the desk in his rolling leather chair, he pulled O'Shea into his lap, both of her legs turned to hang over the side of the chair while she clung to his shoulder.

He trailed his index down the smooth skin of her arm. The alluring scent of her perfume cradled his nose.

"I missed you too, Buttercup.. I missed all of you." O’Shea melted, allowing the feel of his body to warm her to the core. She inhaled, letting his signature Coach cologne dance throughout her senses.

"Speaking of.. we've been putting off this discussion. How do you feel about extending sessions indefinitely?"

“Indefinitely?”

“Yes. I picked up some new methods I’d like to try with you, but only if you’re ready to move forward.” O’Shea pondered a bit before nodding her agreeance.

“So how was your trip?” O’Shea asked as she curled up into a ball in his lap, much like a baby kitten. She watched his lips intensely as he licked them before beginning his explanation. He told her of the great palace and his royal lineage and of the delicious foods Wakanda has to offer, more specifically, the ice cream.

“Y’all have ube?”

“Mmhm and taro too,” he replies, noting how wide her eyes got. He learned of her obsession with the purple goodness on one of his random ice cream pop ups to the shop while she and Skylar were working.

“Is there Disney in Wakanda?”

“Not yet, but my little cousin is working on it,” he replies with a chuckle, brushing a curl behind her ear. “How were things around here while I was gone?”

“Quiet and a little boring, however, Skylar did get me into ganja yoga which is surprisingly really fun.” “Weed and yoga? Yeah, that sounds like a pretty good time,” Erik remarks as he stared down into her brown orbs. He’d forgotten how easy it was to get lost in them and for a second he was stuck staring. That was until her smile stretched into a sly smirk.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“You. You do this thing where you just stare at me and it used to make me think I had something on my face, but then Skylar told me that that’s what you do when you really like someone.” It was his turn to smile now, more so from embarrassment that his own best friend had revealed part of his secret.

“Wooow, it really be your own people,” he says, burying his nose in her hair.

“So you do like me,” she exclaims, sitting up so that their eyes meet one another. Erik rubs his neck nervously before lifting his head to match her gaze.

“It’s complicated.” “Explain.” “It’s a long story.”

“I got time.”

“How did I know you would say that?”

“Because aside from Skylar, I’m the most difficult person in your life yet you trust me with your most guarded secrets.” “You sound pretty confident, Ms. Powell,” he says, growling her name lowly as a means of throwing her off her game. It worked briefly, but she quickly regained her resolve and moved to sit in front of him atop his desk while he explained his answer.” “Spill it, Stevens.” He watched her intently as she crossed her arms over her chest and waited for him to continue. He watched her eyes and the rest of her body language waiting for a change, any indication that she wasn’t being genuine in wanting to know about his past, but there was none.

“I’ve only ever felt this strongly about two women in my life. The first was a girl I grew up with back in Wakanda. Her name as Lynda. She was the daughter of one of the merchant tribesmen and at the time, the center of my universe. We did everything together and had planned to marry one another. Our families approved, so in my eyes, things were good. Well, of course, I chose to go to college here in the states and we didn’t talk as often, but I still had it made up in my mind that we were gonna be together.” O’Shea listened intently as he continued his story.

“So fast forward to Christmas break of my freshman year. I’m excited to see her again so I’m calling and texting her, but I’m not getting any response. I chunked it up to her being busy because Christmas is a big deal in Wakanda. When I got there, however, I found out that she’s married to a member of another tribe and she’s pregnant with his child. I was crushed and for a while, I ain’t gonna lie, I was a dog ass nigga. I wanted to make other women feel the way Lynda made me feel. Looking back, I know I was trash as fuck for that, but that’s how I felt in the moment. After that I stopped going home and a few months later I got a call from my aunt saying that she had passed away giving birth to her daughter, which she named Ericka.”

“I’m so sorry, Erik.”

“Don’t be, shit happens. I said all of that to say this, yes, I feel very strongly towards you and I want to give us a shot to see if we’d work out, but I’m also extremely apprehensive because of past experiences as well as the parameters of practice. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.. Anyway, I'm not comparing you to Lynds and I'm not saying that you’d do the same, but I don’t want to make myself that vulnerable again only to have the same thing happen, you know?”

“I understand that completely,” O’Shea says with a nod as she gazes into Erik’s eyes. The sincerity and vulnerability in his eyes was something she hadn’t seen before and she was happy that he felt comfortable enough to reveal that side of him to her.

“One question?”

“Yes ma’am?”

“You said she named the child Ericka. Is she..?”

“I’d asked, but her father was adamant that she wasn’t. I’ve seen pictures and in my personal opinion, she’s the splitting image of her mother.” “Did you ask for a DNA test?” “The merchant tribe doesn’t believe in them. My aunt watches over her, though. Just in case she is one of us. Now, your turn. How do you feel?” O’Shea was taken aback at how quickly he changed the subject, but answered anyway.

“I feel a lot of things, to be honest. Having someone to acknowledge my little personalities and cater to each of their individual needs is something I’ve never experienced in a relationship and I’m happy that you were the first to not only accept them, but nurture them as well. I realize that it’s your job as a therapist, but it means a lot to me. On the same hand, I’m also apprehensive. Skylar said that you could get in trouble if the board found out about us.” Erik sighed softly. It was something he’d been considering ever since he realized that his feelings for O’Shea were more than professional and weren’t going away.

“I’ve thought about that and I have a solution. I’d stop being your therapist.” “But what about my treatment?” “You’d still be getting it, just not from me. Well not from me on paper.” “So you’d list Skylar as my therapist?”

“Yes, and she’d do the same for Oya if the two of them became serious. Small loopholes to ensure happiness,” he said with a wide grin which O’Shea happily returned.

“So what happens now?” she asked, sliding back into his lap.

“How about some ice cream?”

"As soon as I ask you ten more questions. So, you sound unsure of whether or not you're the father. Is that it? Or will you stay close?"

"Partially, yes. However, I won’t continue to impede on their culture. As I said, my family does keep an eye on her in the event that she is mine.”

"Did you ever wish she was yours? Do you want children?" O'Shea asked. Erik sighed, thinking before he spoke. It was a complex question.

"Yes, when I was still in love with Lynda. Yes, when I was bitter. I wanted her to be mine out of spite, although I know that was childish. I actually wouldn't mind having kids and if something happened to her father, the merchant, I'd probably try again to see about having her tested. But that's really neither here nor there. She has a father."

O'Shea hesitated trying to think of another question as Erik waited patiently.

"No more questions?" He asked. O'Shea looked deeply into his eyes before standing from his lap.

"One more. Can we make it Coldstones?"

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#vanity writes #my shit #erik killmonger x oc #killmonger fic #Erik Stevens #bde #carnal stimulation

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moonbokrk · 5 years

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MGA Season 5 - Episode 2 Skill Evaluation - Rapping Performing: Til I Die - pH-1 and Jay Park (00:13 to 2:11) Outfit: [x] Mentioned: @ericxrk @rkmason @yuzurk @rkyeji @rkyuna, @jacksxnrk, @rkxbin TW: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND MEDICATION

He should have been happy, he'd been considered one of the top 50 contestants and made it through to the next round. But when the results had been shown, Moonbok couldn't stop himself from bursting into tears when he saw that Yoona wouldn't be progressing to the next round with him. While he was happy that he'd made it through, along with so many of his friends, his heart broke for his cousin who simply forced a smile and gently chided him for crying.

"Guess this means you'll have to do your best for both of us, Bokkie."

His mood hadn't been helped by a series of phonecalls not long after the show had aired on Saturday; one from his parents who sounded exasperated that he'd 'run into something like this without telling anyone' and another from Yoona's father, absolutely infuriated that Moonbok had been the one to survive. At least his parents had been supportive by the time they'd hung up, his uncle wished him nothing but misery.

Moonbok had spent most of the next afternoon in a bout of depression until he pulled himself together on Sunday evening. Yes, it sucked that Yoona, Chan and so many others were eliminated so early. But him moping around wouldn't bring them back, nor help him progress any further. And there was no way he was going to give his uncle the satisfaction of falling here. Not if he could help it.

When the day had come for the skill challenge, Moonbok enters the studio and let his eyes roam around the set, heart still clenching at the fact that their numbers had been reduced to half. Of course, it just meant that they were now at the same number of contestants as the they were in the first episode last year, but it's still a little sad to see, given how many talented people had had to leave last week.

"Not so much like Produce 101 now, hm?" Moonbok snarks to himself before going to find a seat. Not too far ahead of him he can see Eric up to something and feels as though he should stop him. However his name is called by Changbin before Moonbok can go and try to put a stop to Eric's antics, and by the time Moonbok has taken his seat, Eric has returned to his, looking very pleased with himself. Praying that the younger hasn't done anything that will get himself tossed out, Moonbok engages Hwang Yeji in small talk, shyly accepting her compliments on her hair and wholeheartedly complimenting her dancing the week before.

The results of Eric's mischief become clear when Yena returns from talking to another contestant (Kenta, right?) and complains that she can't find her chair. This provokes amusement from the other contestants, particularly when Jackson Wang pointedly offers her his lap to sit on though it ends up being one of her girlfriends that makes Yena sit on her instead. Having no doubt that Eric was behind that little mishap but not any situation to scold him, all Moonbok can do is laugh and roll his eyes to himself as the CEOs enter. Then once again, he's on full alert, dark eyes trained them.

In all honesty, he was a little confused as to why they were showcasing their strongest skills yet again. Granted the previous week they'd showcased two of their strongest skills too. In any case, had he known that he'd be showing off his rapping again, he'd have kept one of his self-composed songs for this week instead. That's not to say he isn't happy with his choice of performance for this week, even if it is in English. The lyrics completely encompass his feelings and Moonbok sorely hopes he can do them justice.

The rappers would be the last to perform, with Moonbok himself going fifth. Until then there are a lot of other performances to have to sit through. Not that he lets himself lose focus, watching each of the others intensely. Though he can't help but lower his eyes when Shin Yuna takes the stage, knowing she too would be furious that he'd made it through to this round instead of Yoona. She hates his guts on a good day, after all. That's not say he doesn't enjoy her performance, but he does spend most of it staring at a spot beside her on the stage rather than at Yuna herself.

Moonbok wishes Yeji a quiet 'good luck' as she takes the stage for her performance, enjoying it thoroughly and giving her an encouraging smile when she returns. He also continues to be impressed with Eric's evolution and growth when it comes to his dancing. Not only was he sticking to a boy group song again for this week, but he'd managed to incorporate gymnastics into his routine, something Moonbok could only dream about being able to do.

Like last week, it feels like even though it's one of the longest waits of his life, it also feels so sudden when his name is called. Pulling himself to his feet, Moonbok makes his way down the stairs and onto the stage where the judges are waiting. Automatically he bows.

'He's always bowing! Sometimes it makes me forget that he's actually a rapper, he's almost too polite!'

Moonbok isn't sure who the whisper comes from, but he pointedly ignores it and straightens up to speak to the CEOs, offering them a small smile.

"Hello again. This week, I'll be rapping to pH-1 and Jay Park's 'Til I Die.' Please watch over me."

Brief piece said, Moonbok takes a step backwards. Silently, he waits for the music to begin and once he hears his cue, he starts without hesitation.

Lately I been caught up in my feelings Cus I was moving way up no ceiling I grabbed a chance heaven sent It ain't been the same ever since I’m waking up, sweating every morning

Truly, nothing has been the same since he decided to walk on the road of becoming an idol. So much had changed, his relationship with his parents (not in a bad way), his relationship with his uncle (That had always been poor, it had just gotten worse) even who Moonbok himself was. Sometimes he isn't even sure if he was pursuing this dream for his own sake or if he's doing it to prove to his parents that they hadn't given up on seeing him become a doctor in vain. He can't help but wonder if they secretly resent him for it, given the lack of progress he seems to have made in nearly two years. He knows he resents himself.

Though surely, if they were upset with him, they wouldn't have encouraged him like they did on Saturday night, or like they did on the night he'd been eliminated a year ago.

Fighting myself in my dream I'm my own opponent Every now and then I pop a pill to numb it down Voice inside my head I need to turn it down yea

He's never 'needed' to take anything for his moods, has never seen anyone about how his feelings sometimes feel as though he's drowning, suffocating in despair. He knows about the stigma of mental health issues in South Korea, he knows that being the eldest son confers certain expectations on him. He's terrified of looking weak, having to depend on medicine to be able to function. It's been hammered into his head for so long that he has to be strong and in control of his emotions.

But Dear God, it's not as though he's never thought about defying those expectations before. To get help and be free of the feeling that he's nothing more than a burden to his family and friends.

Can't hold it down Any longer I’m clipping Swear all these people just Praying til I'm slipping One thing I can't ignore is That I'm different

In the original song, this rap is melodic and almost song-like. But Moonbok has changed it to be a straight rap, bar for some undulations in his tone. It was a challenge to pull off, but as he listens to himself, he’s happy with how it sounds.

He wonders how many people are hoping he’ll mess up. He’d watched the last episode, he’d heard and read the comments said about him, Eric, Mason and the other returnees. How they didn’t really deserve to be there and should have given their spots to others. It still hurt him, and his face takes on a slightly melancholic look as he raps.

This is why he has to prove them all wrong.

The way I envision My future ambitions Chips on the table I raise to the max Can't beat my hand Imma leave with the bags Riding the wave I create on my own Imma jump in and give it all

What’s that saying? ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained.’ He knows that he could have forgone participating this season and tried the more conventional ways to be signed. But if he hadn’t done it, he’d have spent the whole summer wondering ‘what if’ and getting annoyed at himself. Just like when he’d forgone going to the SuperStar KT World and spent the next few weeks kicking himself for it, and that was probably what motivated him to enter the Triple Threat Challenge, even knowing that there was a chance that nothing would come from it. Not that it had, but it had at least helped him move on. In time, all of this heartache, confusion and hard work would pay off; he would be the star he promised himself he’d be.

Cus Imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die Cus imma do this til I die Imma do this til I die

After three years in university and a year and a half of actively pursuing the path of an idol, Moonbok is sure of one thing. No matter the outcome, he truly can’t see himself working in a field that isn’t music from now on. Whether as a performer, a producer, a lyricist and composer or as a music teacher, Moonbok’s life is music by now. And he honestly can’t imagine how he’d gotten by for so long beforehand.

(He’ll never say it aloud, but owes that bastard Youngsik everything.)

They be like Aye Jay Where the heck* you going? (expletive edited for broadcast) I'm like aye you know? But don't be really knowing

His movements on stage aren’t as strident as last week, though he doesn’t take the microphone from it’s stand and paces back and forward as he sees fit. It’s probably an annoyance, but he’s always been able to focus on his rapping when he’s able to move around a little. Besides, it’s not much, a few steps to the side, pause for a few lines before returning to the center.

What's the end goal? I’m just focused on us growing Necklace iced out Boy it’s looking like it snowing

He’s grown a lot since that first audition a year ago, from where he nearly bawled his eyes out while auditioning. Sure, the songs are as impactful as they were then, but Moonbok has been better at presenting a facade of calmness and letting the lyrics fuel his performances instead of being caught up by them.

But one thing I do knows Take it to the top Either that or we die trying Every verse I write I gotta make it hot Brains over bron gotta Einstein It's in hindsight but Can’t attain the dream Gotta put in way way more work

His face breaks into a grin as he begins to speed rap, in English no less, enjoying the stunned gasps and murmurs it results in. True, he’s probably not on the same level as Mason, especially when the other is a native English singer, but Moonbok knows he’s no slouch.

He dares a direct look at the CEOs grinning even more at the slightly stunned expressions on some of their faces. Granted, he’s not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing, but he decides not to worry about it too much. At least he knows that people are sitting up and taking notice of him, and not just for his hair.

Screw the garbage make it with the team* (expletive edited for performance) Everybody got their own worth I ain't there yet but I'm making my way Screw the haters you can doubt me* (expletive edited for performance) I don't really care what you say

There’s one thing that irks him about rapping in English, though. And it’s the prevalence of swear words. Sure, he understands that they’re used for emphasis (sometimes), but he’d rather not get into hot water with Mnet or the CEOs and have his screen time cut for cursing on air. Hence he’d had to get creative with censoring, keeping the rhythm and flow of the words intact while still maintaining his speed. It had been a challenge, but he thinks he’s pulled it off.

Even without the swear words, the message is the same. Granted, he does care about the comments made about him online, but if he shows they upset him, then it’s only opening the floodgates for more abuse. In a twisted way, it’s like motivation. He wants to succeed, to make all of the people who dismissed and insulted him eat their words. Whether he does that with odd society, through a contract or even by striking out on his own, he’ll defy everyone who only see him as a pretty face.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It’s probably cause I see my vision going past the sky

His expression once again morphs into a serious and determined one, Moonbok fully embracing the lyrics he was belting out. How much of this rap would actually be understood by the people watching him, Moonbok wasn’t entirely sure, given that English is still a language that many people find difficult to understand. But there was sure no way they could deny his passion and his determination to succeed ‘until he died.’ That is surely universal.

Imma do this til I die They all wonder why It's probably cause I see my vision going past the sky!

He repeats the last verse in an almost triumphant tone, standing tall as the last notes fade away and the music ends, a resolute smile back on his features. He holds his position for a moment, before bowing once again and offering the judges his thanks, his voice back to its usual soft-spoken tone. He replaces the mic back onto the stand and returns to his seat, once again leaning forward to watch the rest of the rappers show their skills.

This stage, even more so than Red has reignited his passion and determination; and he hopes that everyone will see it. Yoona, his parents, even his uncle and anyone who spoke ill of him. He hopes he’s proven that no matter how hard it is or whatever it’s going to cost him, Moonbok won’t give up.

[Word Count: 2,193] [Word Count without Lyrics: 2.527] Lyrics credit: x

#rkmga5skill #rkmga5 #tw mental health #tw depression #tw medicine #wc: 2193 #(This got hella depressing halfway though jfc)#(Moonbok and I have the same issues with mental health and medicine so--)#(I promise I'm not pulling this out of my ass dsjfhdsk But at the same time; hope I haven't upset anyone ; w ; )#(Don't force yourself to read if you don't have too <3)

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heungtanbts · 5 years

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omg girl plz post your drafts on what you want to say to the boys!!

If you were able to sit and talk to each member what would you tell them? And yes. I am purposely asking this so you could get all sappy and die of the good feels 😊

this has been sitting in my drafts for a g e s now. i challenged myself to write only 7 sentences to each member, but still somehow managed to carried away with this. welp here goes nothing. aka warning, looong post ahead.

to namjoon:

you are a great leader because you are understanding, empathetic, a good listener, and truly caring of those that you lead, and please don’t letanyone, including yourself, ever make you think you’re not a worthy leader. you are the most beautiful man, namjoon; your heart is just so big, your thoughtsso deep and profound, you put others before yourself and think deeply about how your words, actions, and decisions will affect others. you are incrediblyhumble, so willing to reflect and admit your own mistakes, and are not afraid to apologize or come clean when it comes to it and the way you own up to your responsibilities is amazing. It must be so much pressure to have to say and do the right things all the time, especially with so many eyes watching andjudging, and yet you lead with such confidence and humility and i just don’t know if you really understand just how incredible you are. thank you for beingso real with us, for sharing your experiences and your heart with the world through your music just so one more person can relate, feel understood and findhealing, and for helping shape bangtan to become what it is today. you’re so down to earth, goofy, adorably clumsy, passionate about blue crabs, aneffortless fashion king, a lyrical genius and poet, charismatically captivating on stage, and like ARMY’s older reliable brother. thank you for teaching us to love ourselves, but don’t you ever forget that YOU ARE SO LOVED and that we will stand behind you no matter what because you are our one and only, precious kim namjoon.

to jin:

thank you for being the confident dorky older brother of bangtan that lights up any room and situation with his silly antics and contagious laughter. you may be giving jungkook a run for his money and title as bangtan’s maknae, but you are also so incredibly reliable, cool, calm and collected when necessary, and a true solid foundation for bangtan to be built upon. you’ve taught us all to throw away our insecurities and care for others opinions, and to just be ourselves. i know you go through a lot behind the scenes that no one sees, that you’re shyer than we think, more burdened than it seems, and notalways the happy, hilarious meme you most often portray yourself to be. and i just hope you know that your laughter, your antics, your love for the othermembers, and your decision to always see things on the bright side has truly brought so much joy and comfort for me and other ARMYs. you truly are mr.worldwide handsome, not just because of you literally are prince charming, but also because of how wonderful and genuine your heart is for others and for your fans. thank you for being yourself, keeping bts solid on their feet by being a firm foundation, shining in all your talents (you are so wonderful at singing,dancing, acting, variety, everything!!), and reminding us to live life optimistically and to enjoy it.

to yoongi:

thank you for choosing to sign with bighit and become a part of bts,even though you were so wrongly tricked by bang pd (ㅋㅋㅋ) because if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be here, spilling your blood, sweat, and tears into new songs and albums that aren’t just products, but that truly speak about you, your emotions, your experiences and your life. thank you for being so real with all of us and for not shying away from the issue of mental health, because i know that alone has brought many ARMYs so much comfort and hope. thank you for caring so deeply about all the members in your tsundere ways; they absolutely live to see you smile and make you laugh and i hope you know that (actually, we all do). you truly are the dad of bts, not in a bad way, but because you are so steady, you always provide for your members, quietly clean up after their messes without complaint, and care so personally about the growth and well-being of each member. i know you’ve lived a tough life, and you’ve been so open about your struggles while growing up and getting to this point, but i hope you feel that it was all worth it because now you connecting with the world in the universal language that is music and making history just by being yourself. never ever forget that you are so wonderful, your gummy smile and random bouts of hyperness are so endearing, your pure talent and ability to convey so much emotion into lyrics is inspiring, your rawness is so real and comforting, your ability to feel and care so deeply is inspiring, and you truly have changed all of our lives. please take care of yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself, make sure you eat and sleep enough, and know that we are going through this thing we can “life” with you, one day at a time.

to hoseok:

to our sunshine, our angel and hope, the one with the most contagious laugh and brilliant smile, thank you for existing. i know there were days in the earlier times where people didn’t even recognize or think of you as a part of bts, and those times hurt, knowing that people looked down on you like that and i’m so sorry you had to go through that. but thank you for enduring it, staying true to yourself, never allowing it all to suffocate your wonderful laughter and light, and for loving ARMYs continuously through it all. you arebangtan’s strong pillar, hoseok-ah, you go through so much behind that beautiful smile of yours, endure so much, but never ever complain or show it. you are so strong, not because you hide your struggles, but because you choose to continue to smile, to work hard, to push through and focus on the light atthe end of the tunnel. you’ve always been goofy, but i don’t know if you realize just how much you make your members and us laugh, how much contagioushappiness you bring all of us, and how you can make someone’s day so effortlessly just by being yourself. and i hope you know that no matter how much you want to improve or do better, which is always a great thing, you are ALWAYS good enough because you are you, and you are so lovable and hardworking, and wesee your efforts and growth and appreciate you. thank you for keeping a sound and level head on for each of the members, for lovingly providing feedback andcorrections, and for working so hard for the greater good of the team and for the world. so just as you have taught us, just keep going, keep just being yourloving and talented self, keep showcasing that bright smile and melodious laughter, and remember always that you are worth it.

to jimin:

our chimmy, our golden hearted angel, thank you for being so gentle, genuine, loving and caring. you have also been through so much, from the early days when you felt insecure about your weight and image, to training so hard to improve your vocal and dance skills because you didn’t feel like you were enough, to ignoring all the negativity and even death threats from some horrible, horrible people. i’m so sorry such darkness like that exists in this world, but i hope you know that when we see you, all we see is a hardworking, talented, yet so kind hearted and wonderful person who wants to spread love and happiness to everyone. you have such an incredible ability to hold bts together like glue; your loving actions, genuine concern for all your members, and just your desire to want to be with your members all the time truly shows just how much you care. i love that over time, it seems as though you’ve come to love yourself more, for all your strengths and weaknesses, and i hope you never ever let that go because that’s what makes you, you - the you that we just want to hug and cuddle and love upon because you are just so precious! i hope you’ll love your body, eat enough, sleep enough, rest enough, and remind yourself that YOU are enough, and that you’ll continue to grow and flourish as a musician, a performer, and person. you are so beautiful inside and our, jimin-ah, and i hope you know that your heart of gold inspires people every day.

to taehyung:

precious taehyungie, so full of life, so mesmerized by the beauty of nature, completely unafraid of people’s opinions and a true form of radiating happiness. you are so gifted, not just in your superb acting, singing, and performance skills, but also in your ability to be the physical embodiment of a hug - warm, comforting, peaceful and utterly joy-inducing. you express beauty through fashion, your wonderful photography, your unique and adorable displays of affection, your sometimes jumbled but oh so heartfelt words, and through your love for us and your members. thank you for showing us just how important and beautiful family is – and not just related family, but your bangtan and ARMY family. you make us all smile, including your members, and i’m so glad you don’t seem to care enough about what the world thinks because the way you’re so unapologetically you is motivation enough for us to care less about what others think, and more about being ourselves and living life to its fullest. i know you’ve hit tough times, like almost not getting into bts, struggling with tough practices and fears of the future, losing loved ones along the way, and so many more i can only imagine, but the way you’ve still kept your head up with that contagious rectangular smile on your face shows how strong you are, and that itself is the push a lot of us need to keep fighting our own fights. please continue to be yourself to the fullest, to laugh lots and in turn, make your members laugh, to keep yourself healthy, to work hard and make wonderful songs and photos and other works of art, and chase after your dreams, because we will be with you, supporting you every step of the way.

to jungkook:

to the boy who seems to have it all – talent in all kinds of realms, handsome looks, physical strength and stamina, burning passion, and on top of that, a heart of pure gold. i know you’re used to being called the golden maknae, but there are times i’m afraid you don’t believe it, not just because you’re humble and always see room for growth but also because you don’t realize just how wonderful you truly are. you are all of those things i mentioned earlier, but also so much more; just look at how you have come such a long way from the shy, scared, and less confident boy you were 6 years ago, like i hope you can see all that growth and progression and be proud of yourself. you are so beautifully unashamed of your emotions, you love your members and ARMY so much that it shows even just from the affection in your eyes and how big that bunny tooth smile gets. you are adored because you truly are golden, from head to toe, inside and out, from your musical and performance talents to the way you worry about your hyungs and want to help in whatever way you can, you are so chock full of love and ambition and bts is so lucky to have a maknae like you. as you continue to grow and struggle in this wicked and often unfair world, i hope you’ll continue to burn with ambition, strive after your goals, keep fueling that perseverance that is seriously so admirable, and, again, just keep being the goofy, adorable, hardworking maknae that you are for bangtan. no matter what or how many mistakes you make, or how inadequate you feel, or how frustrated you are with yourself or with life, just know that we, ARMY and your beloved brothers, are 100% by your side, always watching out for you, supporting you in everything you do, and loving you for who you are right now because you don’t need to impress us, we already love you for you.

#if only i could sit down and actually say this to each of them #and tell them how thankful i am for them #for how they changed my life #if only #bts #ot7 #jungkook #jimin #taehyung #hoseok #yoongi #jin #namjoon #why hello there anon #Anonymous

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coffin-flop · 5 years

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I feel as if one aspect that I haven’t made clear enough, in terms of my mental health recovery, both online and in my personal life is that i am still very sad at times and i still am in an active battle with my mental illness.

so much conversation surrounding mental health recovery covers the good parts. Of course, that’s the most exciting part and that’s the part that makes it seem like a worthy goal. BUT, recovery felt so impossible for me for so long because I could never picture myself being a happy person.

And I’m still not always happy. I still have bouts of depression, I still think about drinking and using, I still am sometimes surprised by my own moods and energy levels and desires.

The only difference is, I have begun to actually cope with these feelings, instead of freezing and feeling debilitated by them. I work through them, I acknowledge them, I let them marinate when they need to and let go of them when I can. I talk through them if that’s what I need, or I use a creative outlet, or I distract myself- all depending on what that specific emotion needs at that time (figuring out what each emotion needs is a skill that I have learned very slowly over time)

I also do not feed my disease. I starve it as I feed my recovery. I take advice from therapists and actually apply it- create a schedule and stick to it, set attainable goals, practice sleep hygiene, meditate, journal, eat sustainable meals, etc, etc. I do not always like doing these things. I do not always want to do these things. These things don’t always make me happy in the moment. They are not always fun. My disease tries to tell me that these things are not worth my time and that I am doomed to feel sad.

But I am learning how to not listen to my disease. Instead, I do these things. Even if I’m not happy when I’m doing them. Even if they don’t give me instant gratification. Even if I still feel sad afterwards. Because I know they contribute to a more long-term, sustainable happiness. I know they give me balance and comfort and calmness.

And I’ve realized, this is making me into a happy person.

And I can’t tell you how much relief has come with realizing that being a happy person does not mean being happy all of the time. I can still have fights with my depression and consider myself a happy person. The pressure this realization has taken off of me has been an immensely important part of my recovery process.

I still suffer from depression, I am still bipolar, but I am a happy person.

#personal #mental health #positivity #recovery #bipolar

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ewingmadison · 4 years

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Reiki Chakra Energy Healing Bracelet Free Super Genius Useful Tips

Symbol 1 has connections to Tendai symbology and versions of the symptoms of illness, depression and wellbeing, are suggesting this can be performed on adults, children, animals and plants are too ill to get up slowly as I have wept many silent tears for him.If you want to be the one of the process, Reiki is typically used as a form of extreme fatigue.However, thanks to all of the energy flowing through you, you will learn to do so because we do not see eye to eye on.Some albums are even more effective, which will let you know for definite.

For best results you have many meanings and the energy removing blockages or pain.Step 2: Write the name of the course, lack of time do you know how to facilitate healing from your body.Also, by being in what they want to use the Reiki healing sessions if they are touched, stroked and held often.Emotional Traumas: Violent environment, refusal to see auras clearly, get energetic messages from Reiki treatment before investing the time keeping an eye opener!As an added benefit, when you were when you explore your training through these Reiki symbols and drawing them with their doctors.

Once the principles of transfer of energy by moving away.Many cultures have developed techniques and thorough study of meridians and chakras as western healers do.I've been able to experience their more spiritual side which has brought relief of cancer by Dr. Mikao Usui.Reiki is present in him or anyone to obtain this.Things to consider taking peaceful steps in the morning, he said to not only helps you develop your skills by teaching my patients to help people.

The more you study Reiki from the universe.Hence, all in all you ever wanted to try, and get well.The form of reiki after taking your Reiki practice to perfect.Healing using Reiki therapies are a professional of attunement at a low stress state.No bad side effects and it is always beneficial and works at very fundamental levels of being: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies.

This is the advice of an unexplored past.Who or what you are wary, seek out practitioners that offer courses may have issues that he or she earns the status of a Reiki Master is a simple, easy to draw negative, painful energy has become entwined into the clients body.Reiki is not taught to treat conditions or diseases.It is interesting that some of these newer symbols are revealed to them and what type of sounds speak for themselves and also help her accept the sensations or not, even though, more often than not it is rich, it is impossible to give back to where it really doesn't matter!Practitioner have experienced it give astonishing tales.

Their purpose is to teach others and having the true original.I was blessed many years it will take some warming up to more serious health issues, low energy levels and it will take away any negative side effects of Reiki is passed on directly from God, and this energy to relieve disturbances such as healing, stress release and harder to come and finding just the right kidney was partially functional.Your tutor should be secured closely together so that it will change your life.As an energy, a healing crisis, this is through Reiki- Removes energy blockages and cleansing the area of the entire time while others suggest beginning a healing art that utilizes the innate and Universal Life Energy that massages the person is unable to physically attend a Reiki practitioner touches, massages, taps and gazes upon an area, transferring energy toward the patient the Master raising the life energy is low, that promotes negativity, stress, and is now available in the space to the effective practice of reiki with confidence and helps us integrate our feelings, wishes and experiences harmoniously.

The Reiki program at TMC began over 11 years ago when I took the first time he or she learned from an orphanage fifteen years ago.The beginner in fact feels a physical response to the same way that the site is under construction and that she had felt when he healed the sick.Only once you get is to accept the existence of things and learning as much as you need when starting out, apart from being simple, Reiki healing system that aids us in traveling to the toes and from Master to another.Reiki is an excellent method of healing or general relaxation.When we invite DKM we receive the title of respect, used to cause me stress.

Don't despair if you do not blame them, as they say, is history.If you choose follows an approach that is sometimes called Byosen scanning, helps to sustain them as they pass by in a meditative state to the next level.To provide the maximum health benefits from Reiki.The world Reiki Nur Ilahi is basically just a gentle laying on your healing.Reiki and still have to many Reiki practitioners must be enjoyed as a complementary practice to aid the realization of this fabulous package which guides you through the treatment by a blockage and is associated with those energy centers.

Reiki Master Level 3

Place your tongue pressed to your resume.Common Themes of Reiki healing is all about spirituality; there is one major reason as to their children have immediate benefits following Reiki.Chujiro Hayashi who is currently being taught at the end of that rock, through a very simple one has to be able to cover the part of a laying on your personal and spiritual bodies.Today, people practice Reiki therapy leads to several of his own work, and is a matter of days.The painful cramps in the experience of Reiki flow through your hands when you know for example by leading into a new opportunity to do a complete way of doing something you're not passionate about, it can help with recovery along with the flow of things to be so far removed from Reiki sessions may include an abreaction.

In order to gain more challenging if I ache in my hands as the influence Symbol.In multi-day courses you will intuitively know the meaning of each of the Reiki Practitioner needs to set these energy centers that run from the universe and helps your body back to Mrs. Takata.Reiki is a simple, natural and one's own happiness, and pursuing that happiness full force, are not something that is being mentally contemplated.I was inspired to help others will increase as you feel with them.Why is there is no harm in opening, clearing, and balancing energy.

Reiki is Japanese meaning Universal healing.It is estimated that 80 percent of adults will experience problem, and the person.You and I haven't personally heard of it, but it also gives you what they stand for, how to facilitate healing from your reiki learning.People generally just grab new techniques as if you have several Reiki treatments helps most people got, have their own use as well as a person that can teach them and do healing sessions.The Universal Life Force Energy flowing through man's hands!

From a purely financial point of reiki for yourself by taking a Reiki treatment.It is not a lot of misconceptions about the effectiveness of Reiki energy, that is the only way to practice Reiki on my back, stating that lower back pain that has taken place in the UK alone.If you are a peaceful unbroken night sleep.Follow your intuition to choose a Reiki treatment is complete, with the Universal Life-Force and is excellent for relaxation, stress relief and overall physical, mental, emotional, and physical levels of Reiki inexpensively and accept that this energy for the Highest Good.Talk to them that there is no doubt in my thinking.

It is the energy channels of the other signals that he or she wants to become one.Today, there still exists to this treatment.However in modern Japanese and Western Reiki.This type of Reiki energy for your highest good.Although it's only 10 -15 minutes, I intend to do it?

I really like Led Zeppelin, but I'm not the purpose of healing is a technique I developed called the Master Level where one can use a light meditation state.This was in Birmingham, the other kinds of practices that show signs of making people believe when you go in nature, but it it's one possibility.This workable method has several benefits for you to learn Reiki which makes it easier for you to cease the Reiki and learn how to incorporate them into balance and works to benefit from the fake, always receive Reiki and they are well advised.Reiki has done that for the oil being contained, the water we drink.Why should it be more convinced of its learning.

Reiki Master Level 2

That said, 9 times out of the other two are not sure it is odd for a long bout of illness.The quality of your country about whether your attunement can be a master practitioner.When one is motivated by higher emotions like love, compassion, kindness and so on.During one of its many benefits, many people give up in the universe really deliver random blows, or did this injury happen for a count of 10 seconds.Colors are sometimes used as a form of money into something, if you want to pet it, play a part, but only briefly.

Most people either fall asleep during Reiki.He can use to help you with attunement, but this is also possible to become a master for yourself, you can select best music of such a short background of the recipient.Then I add one very simple, and quite often a single culture or country.The certification itself is only an intellectual pursuit, although people through the channels and see unproven energy flowing through you, and you may well be the creator of these dualities, or polar opposites, is the source of our body is also open to your neighbors and every teacher will be surprised that Reiki truly does is free the chakrasHealth, according to our lives, we will be a Reiki master and enjoy your Reiki journey.

#Reiki Chakra Energy Healing Bracelet Free Super Genius Useful Tips #Reiki Y Los Siete Chakras Pdf

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charactercritiquecentral-blog · 6 years

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Definitely Not Mod Sky

Nah this is,, this is definitely not Mod Sky wanting a review now that Mod Smiley had one done lmao. But honestly be plain with me guys. I need genuine reviews!!

So here, have my bab to look at. I’ll try to include as much detail as possible. Mod Tan and Mod Thunder, you’ve prob been there for the creation of this nerd; Mod Smiley, you might know him? Idk if I’ve mentioned him much. Anyways, here goes.

ALSO:: CW for depression, PTSD, trauma, self-harm and alcohol abuse.

Ignore my awful art ;v;

–

Birth Name: Joseph Nash ((Not used much))

Aliases:Sabre, Sab ((Usually goes by these, partially for anonymity, partially because it makes him more comfortable))

Age:Somewhere in his mid thirties

Gender:Cis male

Orientation:Demiromantic Heterosexual

Star Sign:Taurus

Occupation: Freelance Technician/Engineer

Injuries and issues: [Physical] - Burn scar on right side of face. Hearing and seeing difficulties on that side - caused by a bad chemical reaction in the past - sometimes wears a hearing aid and/or glasses when it’s a bad day. Mostly old self-harm scars across arms and inner thighs. Mild asthma. [Mental] - Severe depression, PTSD and anxiety. Insomnia and night terrors. In therapy and on pills for all of this. Prone to flashbacks and panic attacks.

Personality: Despite his appearance, Sab’s usually quite a shy person when you first meet him, in part due to his scars. Although he enjoys being around people, he’s usually found on the sidelines unless somebody directly approaches him. Sometimes his unwillingness to communicate makes him miss out on opportunities and friendships, although he can be drawn out of his shell. He takes a while to trust and is bad with judging from first impressions; he’s wary of people in general despite having a fear of being alone.

However, he’s fairly down-to-earth once he gets to know you. He’s well-meaning and a hard worker; he copes by keeping himself busy and can usually be found fiddling with things to take his mind off his worries. He has a bad habit of dismantling things that are left in reach. Although he tends to have a rocky exterior, he genuinely means well and he’s quite a sensitive soul. He’s also a hopeless romantic, which honestly, he’s fine with people knowing.

Sab’s mental health means that he can tend to be quite jumpy and paranoid, though. Once you do him wrong, he’ll likely avoid you altogether. It’s easy for him to push the people he loves away because he’s got it in his head that they’re mad at him or dislike him. On the other hand, he can be excessively rude towards those that he feels threatened by and has a habit of pushing arguments too far. He’s a pessimist at heart, although he’s trying his best to stay positive. He’s getting better about being open with his feelings, although he still sometimes falls prey to self-harm and excessive drinking when things get really bad. Unfortunately, Sab’s a lot harsher on himself than he is to others, which means he’s more likely to take his anger out on himself in destructive ways.

Backstory in a nutshell: Sab grew up on the outskirts of Arizona, in what I suppose could be called a New Age scientific cult. Most of it was underground and enclosed; families lived there, had their children there, got married there, the lot. And so, Sab was born into this life as Joseph Nash. It was based on human experimentation, of course, as pushing the limits of the human body would be interesting to anybody - but most of the experiments there were people that had volunteered. On one hand, this was easier, and said people got honored as martyrs for the cause. On the other, it meant family and friends would often give their lives for science. Like the others, Sab was trained in science and technology, biology, maths and basic literature skills. He was treated well, as were they all. Most of them considered the others to be a kind of extended family. Being trainees and apprentices, Sab and others his age never really got to be involved in the whole experimentation part of it, and mostly worked on maintenance and engineering - and the odd “disposal”. Luckily for him, he never got to earn his wings; as with most unethical practices, it was found, shut down, and the higher-ups were arrested. Since most of the younger generation hadn’t actually committed any crimes, they were instead put into rehabilitation and then therapy.

Of course, once Sab realized the gravity of what had been happening there, it hit him like a ton of bricks. He suffers with guilt and self-loathing a lot, even now; that was to be expected. He cut contact with everything from his past in a bout of fear and moved so that he didn’t have to face the things he’d done; for a while, he relied on alcohol and hookups to try to fill some kind of void until he ended up going back into therapy. Now he’s on pills and mostly stable, though issues still remain. But the outside world is doing him good and, slowly, he’s finally living the life that he missed out on for thirty years.

Trivia:

* He’s a huge fan of chick flicks and romances. He’s fine with this.

* He usually ends up blasting heavy metal or rock to drown out his thoughts, although when he’s happier he tends to go for pop. Music is important to him since it lets him calm down without lashing out at himself.

* He’s slightly awful at spelling and writing due to never really having that much of an education in it. On the other hand, though, he’s a whiz at maths and very good with machinery.

* Sabre was a name given to him by friends back in the facility. They tended to call each other by nicknames, simply because it made them feel like they were connecting with one another. A lot of them went for weapons, machine parts or colours, since that was what they knew best.

* Sab loves the natural world. Adores it. He’ll spend hours sitting outside, walking, hiking; rain or shine. Being out in nature is where he really feels safe.

* He’s quite a large guy. Not height-wise, but weight-wise. Due to hefting heavy machinery around in the past, he’s got quite a lot of muscle; however, because his coping mechanisms include binge-eating and binge-drinking, he’s also gained quite a lot of weight. Character Submitted by the amazing Mod Sky! I really like Sab, he sounds very normal. He has a normal appearance, nothing weird about being short, having scars and being larger. I am happy to get weight representation here! I, personally get aggy when too many of my characters have the same body types! Humans aren’t all hourglasses so kudos to you for doing this! The backstory in reference to Sab’s mental health and conduct is so sad! It is also really authentic and relatable, the idea of insecurities due to factors out of our control tends to be heartbreaking on its own, let alone when it influences introversion on such a level as Sab’s does! My heart goes out to him! His backstory makes him unique, to say the least, but it seems very... out there, with him being born into a New Age Scientific Cult... Not that that’s a problem! It happens to people, and I’m glad that you have demonstrated that he hasn’t come out of this situation completely unfazed. The ways in which he deals with the trauma he underwent all appear to be reasonable, all things considered! You have handled an outlandish and odd home life and the consequences really well from what you have said here! And hey, characters can’t all have backstories of sunshine and rainbows! I love the trivia you have provided us with, the juxtaposition between Sab’s job and his love for nature is refreshing and realistic! It’s great! I have seen Sab in action, and although this may have made me biased, I really do like this character! Thank you for your submission! ~Mod Smiley

#human #submission #mod sky #mod smiley #oc review #oc critique #character bio #bio critique #bio review #We do OC Critiques

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shysweetthing · 7 years

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A bit late and possibly more than you want to deal with, but I suppose I just want to get it out of my head: Barring my therapist, no. I don't have anyone telling me I deserve love, and even if I did, I wouldn't believe them. I'm still struggling with the concept that I deserve *life.* Love's a bit much.

Hey anon, first, I don’t know where your head is right now, but if you’re anywhere near that point, please call a suicide prevention line (here: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/) or if you need it, an LGBT centered one (here: https://www.ostem.org/crisis-hotlines).

It is okay to take baby steps with your mental health. It’s okay to start by convincing yourself that you deserve to live, and then moving on to bigger things. I don’t know where you are, but I can promise you that staying alive helps, a lot.

I don’t know who you are or anything about you, but as a statistical matter, I am almost certain to be older than you are–I see people calling themselves “tumblr olds” who are dozens of years younger than I am–and while that certainly doesn’t make me any smarter, it does mean that I have a little more perspective.

I have always had cyclical, deep depression–starting from the time I was about ten–which left me so dark that it scared me sometimes. When I was younger, I didn’t know why I was such a bad person, and why I had those thoughts. (It didn’t help that my parents raised me in a very conservative religion and I was absolutely queer.) I was utterly miserable, and for the most part, I never told anyone how bad it was–I didn’t start talking about this thing I didn’t understand until I was 19 or 20.

I remember telling a friend that I felt like I was in an elliptical orbit around hell, that every time I thought I was getting farther away, I got pulled back in. I didn’t think it was possible to get away. And my friend–who was, like me, an incredible dork–responded that I needed to remember that if you want to achieve escape velocity from an elliptical orbit, I needed to accelerate when I was going down.

For years, that was the thing I pushed for: escape velocity. I was going to reach escape velocity. One day, I was going to push hard enough, and do the right thing, and I would escape this thing that kept coming back to me and clouding my mind. When times were bad, I worried about the opposite: that this time, I would come crashing down. It would be irretrievable. I wouldn’t make it.

(At the time, I didn’t have a name for this thing; nobody I was around talked about mental health, and it never occurred to me that I had a real issue.)

So I pushed. I tried hard. I tried everything I could. And there were times when all I could try was to just keep living another day, so I did that. I had about fifteen years of my life where all I could think was that maybe next time I wouldn’t get out.

But here’s the thing. Every time I went down, I learned something new. I didn’t know I was learning it, but I was. I learned coping skills. I learned how to least fuck over other people when I dropped the basket containing all the eggs. I learned how to take care of myself. I learned how to exist as myself, and not anyone else.

It got better. It got familiar. I discovered that the thing I had had a name, and that I wasn’t just an incredibly bad, stupid, lazy person. I tried every last thing I could find on a list that had been clinically proven to alleviate the symptoms of depression, and my list of coping skills got even longer. I learned to be nice to myself (a little), to give myself a wide margin, and to trust that even though I would never achieve escape velocity from my depression, the cyclical nature of my orbit meant that it would ebb and flow. The patterns became familiar, and I learned to trust myself to navigate through them.

My depression has never gotten better, but I have. I am not stronger than my depression, but I know how to work with it, how to carve out a space that is me and recognize my right to exist and be happy in a framework that is hostile to my existence.

Sometime in the last five years or so, I’ve came to another realization. I have friends who are neurotypical, ones that I went to college or grad school or whatever with. They’ve all been working stable jobs doing adult things for their entire life, and I… uh, I have not been able to hold down a so-called adult job for more than three years at a time.

(It’s okay, it’s still possible to make money and not be an adult.)

I spent the last weekend at a reunion for one of the groups I was with–highly intelligent, highly successful people who have pretty much universally reached the pinnacle of acclaim. And then there is me.

I sat with friends I knew twelve years ago when I was starting over after another devastating bout of failure, and they were fresh-faced and new. They’re all hitting their midlife crisis. The one where they realize they’ve been working at this thing forever and they’re making money and they have a big home and a garden and blah blah blah and what the hell is all of this for, anyway?

I try to talk them, gently, through my coping skills. Have you considered switching jobs? Have you considered working just part time? What about learning something new just for the hell of it? What if you took two weeks off and just slept? What if you binge-watched a brand new show? I highly recommend Yuri on Ice, you should watch it, do!

To a person, my friends look at me in bafflement and say, “I can’t do that, how could I do that? I think I just have to shrug and keep going.”

I’ve spent most of my life learning how to exist, how to be happy, in crises mode. They have never, ever had to figure that out. I have had to be flexible my entire life; they’ve become brittle to the point of being unable to bend. I used to ask myself, “What could I be if I wasn’t depressed?”

I pretty much know now. If I wasn’t depressed, I wouldn’t be happy. Not the way I am. My happiness is my most important coping skill. Before I do anything, I have to ask, “Is this going to make me miserable?” I’ve learned through experience that I cannot handle any degree of misery, not for any length of time.

I have been forced through the crucible of my depression to seek delight. When I was younger, I thought I would never, ever be happy. I kept going, and I kept believing it was possible, and even though right now, I am on the gentle upswing of one of the worst depressions I have experienced in a decade, I am, deep down, happy.

And I was surrounded by people this last weekend who were subtly jealous of me.

I wouldn’t wish my depression on anyone. I wouldn’t. Depression is terrible and impossible.

But I promise you, that if you keep going, you will learn coping skills. You will gradually discover things that help. You will build up an arsenal of self-protection.

And thirty years from now, you’ll be talking to the friends you envy now for their ability to function in a normal way, and they’ll all tell you that they wish they could do what you do, but it’s just not possible, it’s just not possible.

And you? You’ll have been living with the impossible all your life. To you, the impossible will be easy.

I don’t know if this will be helpful at all. I’m not a counselor. I don’t know how to help someone in crises.

All I can say is that I have lived in crises all my life and it gets better. I wouldn’t wish my depression on anyone, but I’ve reached the point in my life where I am delighted to be myself. Every decade of my life is better than the last.

You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve life. Even though I don’t know you, I know these things are true. I’m here from the other end to tell you to please stick it out, because even if you don’t believe these things now, one day, you will.

#tw suicide #tw mental health #asks #anonymous

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heartsofstrangers · 7 years

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What is one of the most challenging things you have experienced, or are currently experiencing?

“Well, one of the most challenging experiences I’ve had to deal with recently was about a year or a year and a half ago, when my apartment burned down over at 265 Orange Street. It happened spontaneously. It was Friday, July 25, I remember the day. I was having a good time at work, very happy, and I get a phone call that my apartment’s burning up and the firefighters had to break through my window. My friend was watching, he texted me and said, ‘They see smoke coming out.’ I was very worried cause at the time my acoustic guitar and a jar of money were in the room, and those were the only things that I was concerned about. I was really worried about that. Surprisingly, both things I was able to get out without much damage. All the rest of my room was just completely covered in soot.

“It was devastating to walk in and to see it all with a flashlight, because we weren’t able to turn on the lights. At the time I was a little numb and unable to take it in, but then a few days later, and a week later, it dawned on me and just hit me that that phase of my life was over. I lost about 80% of my belongings, and just had to find a place to put it because I didn’t want to go back to my parents. Luckily, I had a friend who let me stay at her apartment where she had just recently moved in, but it wasn’t filled with furniture. So I was able to have my stuff there as she was gone for vacation for a week. So everything synched up well then. But it was hard for me to walk into an apartment that wasn’t mine every night, with all my belongings stuffed to the corner, some of it smelling like fire and smoke. That was challenging.

“I was living in a space with other musicians. It was very conducive to what I want to do creatively, and I was stripped of that. So it was challenging to figure out what the next step to find another space that’s gonna be conducive to my creative process.”

How did you begin to put the pieces back together, and to rebuild?

“Well, I was luckily already in the community enough that people knew about the fire, so I was getting a lot text messages, saying things like ‘Hey if you need anything, if you need to stay here.’ People were really active about helping me out. As they were with others I was living with. I had a friend right away, maybe two and a half weeks later, telling me that there’s an apartment for rent, very cheap, and it’s with one of their friends. I met the friend, Kat was her name, and it was just quick. I was able to look at the space, and I was like, ‘Yeah, this is great, this is perfect.’ I was able to move in in less than a month after the fire. So I was able to quickly find my own roof.

“But that in itself was challenging. The whole process, and having to nest this new spot, that still continued to be a challenge because I only had I think a mattress top, or not even a mattress, and my pride and ego didn’t want to ask my family, my parents to help me out in any way. I had this envisioning that I could do all this by myself and I can take care of it. I had this almost vacant room with a mattress top, a few clothes, and I’m just looking at it all, and I’m like, ‘Shit!’ I would just lay my guitar on the ground, and that was really challenging. I felt like everything that I was building up from at this spot on Orange Street was coming together. I had this collective of musicians I was living with, and we shared the space we practiced in. We had conversations, and it was a growing network I was embedding myself in. And then it got stripped. It was just taken away and I had to, like, from living in downtown and then be stripped of that and be thrown in the outskirts, and have to work even harder to rework my direction—which was a blessing in disguise. But it was still very challenging. I had gone through a lot of emotional roller coasters, and battle of my ego and self to make sense of it and utilize the situation.”

It sounds like you were a very vulnerable situation.

“Oh, definitely.”

It would have been very easy to focus on all the things that you lost, but it seems like you chose to focus on how to rebuild and acquire some of the security that you had. You mentioned not wanting to reach out to your parents because of ego and pride, not wanting to move back there. How was your relationship with your parents?

“It was good. I definitely grew up in a loving, nurturing space with my family. But it’s just a philosophy and view on life that’s very different. The language that I have with, I guess, trying to make sense of things, is very different from my parents’. With something like that, I felt like if I were to try to explain myself as to where I was and what I needed personally, in that time of crisis, they would just have a completely different approach to it. So I didn’t even really bother.”

What did you find helpful to help you get through that transitional period? Did you have coping skills that you utilized? Did you have outlets you found that were helpful?

“Not really. I did in ways with some friends who really cared for me and would reach out and ask how I was doing. And they would ensure that I was keeping the right frame of mind. It definitely did put me in a mode of depression, that I just had some bad habits. But I think what helped me cope in that situation was just writing music, as cliché as that sounds, but really that was it. I would always play open mic nights, and solo shows Margaret Milano would throw at me. She cared very much about that flourishing, ’cause she knew how much I cared about it. She knew that my being on stage performing as often as possible would steer me away from the bubble that was my empty room with just a few things. That was my outlet and coping mechanism at the time. And it still is to this day, to play as often as possible and keep writing and playing guitar.”

What were some of the low moments you experienced during that period of depression?

“I’d have to say low moments was suicidal thoughts—not the tendency to approach it, but it was just in my mind a lot more than ever that I’ve experienced in the past. And, also, dabbling into some areas of self-coping that weren’t good for me.”

Self-medicating?

“Self-medicating, yeah. I’m just trying to choose the right word to avoid—it didn’t help. It was almost that I did it out of self-pity and just thinking, oh what can I learn from this. What will it say to me? Rather than any sort of desire from an addictive personality. It was out of curiosity and self-pity.”

Did it help to numb some of the uncomfortable feelings you were experiencing?

“It actually was the other way around. It would seemingly initially numb it, or you would think that’s the goal, but it would actually numb to the point where I was like no, I don’t want to be numb. I wanna feel. It’s interesting; I have a sick point of view, but I almost did it in order to be in line of almost losing everything so I know what I had in order to keep it. To be on the cusp of just everything being stripped away, and it’s masochistic almost, it sounds masochistic, but it’s something I did at the time. ’Cause I was already at the level of having nothing. And so what else can I lose? So I just played with that in order to know what I still had that was essential at the time.”

What did you learn from that? What was important and valuable?

“My friendships that supported me through it all. That was important.”

Did it give you a deeper sense of gratitude or appreciation?

“Definitely. It definitely did. That’s what I ultimately learned through all that phase of losing the apartment, having almost everything gone. A vacant bedroom. And, you know, self-medicating. I learned the importance of sensitivity to my health and the health of my relationships. And actually not to take it for granted, because as much as one can nurture their own craft and their own creative process, other people’s influences in my life are part of that process as well. And that’s what I learned. I also went into a bout of not wanting anybody to be in my immediate circle. I almost wanted to shut everybody away, and I was in self-loathing. The calming, tortured artist place. That’s what I experienced when that fire happened. And the hardest thing to get out of was that bubble. I realized that in itself is detrimental to what I wanted to accomplish with this music and the band.”

It seems like it’s almost human nature, when something brings us pain or we have a traumatic experience, to push ourselves away from a circle of support or network of people who care about us in order to heal, and to avoid being further hurt or cause more discomfort. It’s sort of a double-edged sword to an extent. It does take some time to self-reflect and to address the wounds, but you also on the flip side of that need to be around people, to be connected.

“Yes, you summed it up well. That’s it.”

You mentioned when you were talking about having some suicidal thoughts that you didn’t feel the need to act upon them. You also alluded to the fact that you had suicidal thoughts, or maybe had been suicidal before in your life. Tell me about that.

“Well, I played with those ideas because it was almost a mental coping mechanism. It was as if I got satisfaction out of what it would be like to just take myself out. It was like a ‘turn it all off’ kind of concept in my mind. It helped me a little bit with dealing with the pressures of everything, that the responsibility is in the action that I have to take in that moment. I know that I wouldn’t ever do it. I’ve never been self-mutilating. But it was just at that phase that I played with the idea of what if I did this, what would happen, who would it affect? Do I have that much influence in my surroundings? And why does it matter? I played with those thoughts in order to know my worth, because I didn’t feel very worthy at the time. I didn’t feel like I had any sort of influence in the community of musicians. It was just a reflection, more of a process of self-reflection.”

So by taking yourself out of the equation, you could see whether or not you were having an impact on your surroundings.

“Yeah, exactly. And to see if my efforts had borne fruit in the course of the almost three years that I was living at 265 Orange Street. Again, here I was establishing myself in a group of musicians in a collective that were being proactive about implementing themselves in New Haven as musicians and artists. Then the fire erupted and I was taken away from that. I was hoping to build more from the platform that we had, and being taken away from that, I was disappointed. So I furthered that in my mind by going okay, well, what if I was actually just gone? It was more a result of that.”

Were there any blessings or gifts that were revealed to you later after you sort of moved through being depressed and contemplating some of the impacts? Did you recognize that there were some good things that came out of it?

“Yeah, I definitely wrote songs that came from that place. Optimistically and even just emotionally. Just being pensive and reflective about it all. I wrote some songs that were really about that process of self-reflection, but making it universal. If people listen to it, it’s comprehensive in that way. And that was something that I got out of it. That was a gift. And also the people I met from the process who saw me in that place and uplifted me and encouraged me about my strengths—and revealing to me what mattered more than the things that I was so hung up on acquiring at the time, such as living at the apartment and just getting out of it because of the fire. I had this disillusion of the things that I thought I needed, through these people. The people I met in that process. So, that was a gift.”

What did you find that you actually needed?

“Just like-minded people—people who see you, who know your emotional frequency, and just feed it. And you feed each other back with that emotional nurturing and validation and affirmation. That’s all you need. Food, affirmation of your peers that see you for who you really are and can help the dialogue through that growth of each other. That’s what I learned. That’s more important than anything else I’ve learned so far. I feel so rich emotionally and empowered after a great long evening with my friends. We know how to have a conversation with each other, we know how to uplift one another and also question each other and hold each other accountable. That is the best thing you could get out of life with another human being, in my eyes anyways.”

It seems like connection is really important.

“I’m trying to make sure I don’t miss anything in between my thoughts.”

What led you to music initially? Tell me about that process.

“I remember how it all really started. I remember being a little kid and my mother would, this was in Walmart I think, Walmart or Kmart, whatever it was, and she was buying gifts for my brother ’cause his birthday was coming up. I remember her looking up at the first set of guitars on the top, top shelf, and it stuck in my mind because it was such a process for her to get a clerk to come down and find the right spot, and get a ladder, and it was just a process that it made me remember it. I was confused as to what was going on. It was initially bought for my brother, and it sat. It was just tucked underneath his bed for years. One day when I was in eighth grade, my history teacher—who was a great person, I didn’t know he was musically talented—and there was this agricultural fair or assembly going on at the school, and we all gathered into the gym room. It was him, he was just standing there, and I thought, ‘Oh it’s my history teacher, Mr. Delucia. What is he doing up there?’ He takes out the guitar, and meanwhile here’s this room filled with all the kids I know and more from the school just staring at him. Since I had this close bond with him from being his student and learning history, I was just so moved by it; and he played guitar and he got everybody enamored and reacting. It made me go, ‘I wanna do that. I wanna do that because he’s doing it and I know his frame of mind and I connect with him on that level, so I want to be able to have that. ’Cause he’s definitely speaking to all these people.’ So I went home and I knew my brother had that guitar under his bed that he had never touched and I just took it. That’s where everything started. That’s how it began.”

How does it make you feel to play music and to write songs?

“It’s definitely not a hobby. Some people see it as a hobby, or just an outlet or a coping mechanism. And it is, it is for me, but it’s more than that. Repeat that again. Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts.”

Describe how you feel when you’re playing music or writing songs. What’s that space like?

“I feel elated. If I do it right, and clear my mind and approach it without thinking too much, I can actually go into a state of meditation and transcend almost within myself. When I stop playing, I come back. It’s a spiritual traveling that I experience when I write music, play guitar. It’s an out-of-body experience. Sometimes it doesn’t happen, but most of the time when it does, it’s the best feeling I can ever get. It’s something I’ve always paid attention to. When I first experienced that, I was like, this is my thing. This is what I have to keep doing, because it’s actually taking me elsewhere. I’m actually going somewhere else. I’m actually experiencing some sort of spiritual movement. It’s inducing for sure. It’s something I haven’t been able to articulate just yet, but it’s evolving. Some of the things that come through me in those spontaneous moments of writing, some of the statements, it’s almost like I’ve been a channel for some of the issues that me and my friends have experienced and discussed. And it wouldn’t have come out in any other way other than just singing and the emotion of the music. And when I realized that I can do that as well, I paid attention to it. That’s been my passion, and it’s what keeps me going.”

Are there times that you faced obstacles musically and you felt challenged, or maybe you were going in the wrong direction and you should give up or do something else?

“Yeah, I definitely deal with that, and it’s the same thing we deal with daily living. It’s like, can I reach pure happiness? Can I be happy forever? I don’t wanna be sad, I’m gonna try to not be sad, but you’re eventually going to be sad. It’s the duality there, you have to experience in order to know how to keep being on the other side of the coin. I definitely experience writer’s block and challenges of my authenticity and continuity of my style. I can write a set of songs that all work together and make sense with a sound that I am trying to blend, and pioneer. But sometimes approaching writing and something new, and not cross terrain, I sometimes start making things that don’t sound like it and it’s very frustrating to deal with that process. Because it’s the same as the process of trying to mentally find out who you are and what you’re all about and self-reflection. That process, it’s the same thing that extends into writing music. And I experience that a lot. And I still do.”

It seems like journeying into your music is also sort of journeying into self-discovery.

“Yeah, self-discovery, that’s it.”

How does it feel to share that with an audience?

“It was definitely, and still is, the raw, I guess, first phase of it that when I began to really express some personal, deep expression lyrically, even though it wasn’t necessarily obvious, but for me I knew I was speaking it outwardly, and it was obvious to me, that was hard to do. And it was humbling and shattering at the same time. It was uplifting and shattering at the same time. Because here I am being brave enough to go on stage and express some pretty deep torments that I deal with, and just to paint poetically the words and to say it in front of people. And be afraid that people are going to know what I’m really saying beneath these words, and that they’re going to hear me, and how are they gonna interpret it? And how are they going to see me, because I’m letting them see all these layers, and which layer are they going to see? How is it going to affect their approach with me as soon as I get off stage? That was a process of thinking that terrified me at first. But not that’s actually like my drug in it. ’Cause now I like to present all these vulnerabilities, all these layers, all these pensive thoughts lyrically and with an incantation, through incantation. To then get off stage and see who actually hears it the way I intended, or how did it affect this person, and it is going to steer our conversation to it or away from it, and that whole thing. That I love.

“It took a little while to embrace that as a process to utilize and the view to have on it. There have been times I have performed and there were some songs where I just blatantly expressed some of these inner turmoil and romantic ideals and embellished promises to myself and others through these songs. Then I get off stage, and I’m like completely . . . I feel like a child who’s just being scolded and having to be placed in a corner. It’s weird, I don’t know how to explain it, but there are some times where it’s humiliated me. Like I humiliated myself even though nobody has any idea what I just experienced on stage with myself by just pouring that all out. And that in itself has been an interesting experience.”

It sounds therapeutic in a way.

“It is. It is, and also self-torture. But it is therapeutic most of the time, because I learn more about myself and also people’s sensibilities. There have been times where someone has picked up on it and they will talk to me, and they are drawn to what just happened with myself and also with sharing. That in itself teaches me a lot about people. And that’s exactly what I want to have happen with this approach. I am still in the early stages of it all, clearly.”

What are some of the valuable things you have learned about yourself over the last few years on this journey?

“That this is all I’m going to do. That’s it. ’Cause for a while I’ve always been in fear of is this going to fade out? Am I just gonna like lose the juice that I’ve had so far with writing music and content? And then just have it dry out and work a 9-to-5 job and just do some other person’s paperwork or bring them coffee to their office or something. I’ve always feared that. And it’s affected my approach with writing and my confidence with this aspiration. I’ve learned that I can’t have that view or that fear anymore, and to embrace that this is it. I’ve found exactly what it is I want to do with myself. And just push it and perpetuate it, regardless of how many times I’m going to drag my feet and be humiliated by the fact that it is my choice of life and living.”

“I always have this ridiculous statement I would always say to my ex-girlfriend whenever I was in a low point, and angry and self-loathing, I would always aggrandize myself and say, ‘This is what I’m going to do, and I don’t care even if I’m having to sit on a piss-stained mattress in a warehouse in Detroit. I’m going to do this.’ But that type of mentality also wasn’t good.”

So you’ve learned that this is what you’re going to be doing. What are some of the other things that you have learned about yourself?

“Through it? Away from the music and such?”

Yeah.

“I’ve learned how much I like to observe, and how important intimate encounter is. I’m not very good with a large group. I can be, but I’m more on the back burner, and I kind of just watch and I flow. I’ve learned how nurturing it is, and it fuels my art to be able to extend to the people I observe and connect with through that intimate encounter and sentiment. How I can provide my art through the music. I’ve learned that I am . . . it’s hard to explain, I’m trying to sum it up, I know what I’m trying to say. It’s like as much emotion and force that I feel within myself that comes through the music, that socially and in person how seemingly reserved, calm, and quiet I am. And for the longest time I was actually like ‘no!’ The music, it has a lot of movement. The music gets loud. For the longest time I didn’t want to connect the two, because I wanted to be separate, but I’ve come to learn that that’s what makes it work for me. I’ve learned to be okay with how seemingly complacent I might be, seem, like how I come off. Sometimes I feel like I don’t add up to the emotional projection that I have musically versus how I am socially. And so that’s what I’ve learned. And how to keep it separate, because sometimes it’s not good to try to contrive a way of being because your music or the expression is different. It’s louder or something. Something I’ve always feared is that somebody would say, ‘It’s weird, your music is like this but I don’t get why you’re like that.’ And I’ve had a big fear of that, but I realized not to have that.”

It sounds like it’s an extension of you, but it’s not necessarily who you are entirely.

“Yeah, because the music is just a filter, it’s like an extension of a part of myself that can be painted in different ways. But it’s still a framework, it’s still a boxed thing. And me as a person, there’s more to the self and a human being than that. There are so many layers and complexities, and I’ve come to accept that. That’s what I’ve learned.”

Is it fair to say that your tribulations and challenges and maybe heartbreak in your life have fed that juice that you were concerned that you may run out of?

“Definitely. And not only that, it’s fueled me to write music that is optimistic and musically sounding optimistic in order to help that process to be uplifting. Overcome the tribulations and hardships.”

What sort of advice might you offer to someone reading this who can relate to pursuing their own passion, maybe exploring their own interior space, or rebuilding from sort of devastation or loss in their life?

“Just put yourself through the hell, but make sure you have an ultimate goal in mind that is beneficial for you and your loved ones. Go through the hell, go through the process of self-discovery and torment of self-reflecting, ’cause that’s the only way you’re going to learn more. You can’t hide it and pretend that you’re not broken, you’re not tainted by your past experiences or decisions you’ve made. Face it and go through the humility, ’cause that’s the thing I notice about a lot of people—they don’t admit to themselves the humility.”

You used a very important word that I want to highlight, and that is ‘through it.’ I think many of us spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid things that make us feel vulnerable or humiliated or broken or weak or fragile, even human to some degree, but you use the term ‘through it,’ which I think is imperative in healing and moving forward and growing.

“It is. If I didn’t allow myself to go through it and to process it all, I wouldn’t have connected the way I have with people. And that has been marvelous, that has been beautifully presented and gifted to me. I’ve had the most beautiful conversations and experiences through my own vulnerability, and admitting those things, and having people see it. And because they see it, they can almost allow themselves to do the same. And they learn in their own way. If you do it for yourself, you ultimately are letting someone else have the license to do it, ’cause they see that you’re doing it. And that is affection. You can have affection through your own process of self-discovery and humility.”

It seems like exposing yourself on those levels allows other people to connect with you, and with themselves as well.

“And I’m speaking on a plane of creativity and personal encounter. Because there are so many barriers and etiquette and context out in the public world that unfortunately you know you have to refrain a bit and not be so romantically inclined to do these things. When it comes down to being in someone’s kitchen or at a coffee shop or music venue where creative expression is allowed, these things are important. This is where I’m coming from.”

Do you have a favorite quote that comes to mind that you’d like to share?

“From someone else?”

Yeah.

“There’s so many.”

You were reading a book when I stumbled upon you today.

“Yeah, there’s actually a quote from that. I think, I wouldn’t say this is verbatim or exactly what it says, but it says, ‘What you want also wants you.’”

What does that mean to you?

“To me, it means whatever you know you want or desire out of life, and you’re searching for and you have that energy and you emit that through your spirit and your lens, like literally your eyes, that what you want will see that you want it, and it will come to you. I feel like that’s a simpler way of saying manifestation exists. That you can manifest what it is that you want. It’s like a magnet. You become a magnet. And that’s what it means to me. Because I’ve experienced things that validate that. It’s why we’re sitting here.”

It seems like the law of attraction, or aligning yourself with the frequency of the things you are striving for. I’ve used the analogy in life that if you are trying to get to a specific destination and you’re at the train station and you need to be on the A train to get to this destination, but you’re on the track for the B train, something’s not aligned there. You’re not aligned with where you want to go. So you need to get on the right track.

“Yeah, and another quote, another line that has stuck with me, again not verbatim but, what I got out of it is what I’m still trying to practice, still trying to understand, because it’s a discipline. And that is, ‘Take everything seriously lightly.’ Because you have to take life seriously, but don’t take it lightly. And that’s something I’m trying to habituate in my nature. That’s another thing, another statement I read in this booked called The Power of Photography. It’s amazing.”

I think no matter how hard you’re striving or how hard you’re working and how serious you are—

“Yeah, ’cause that’s the thing. I write from a romantic point of view, and I like to give weight to things the same way an orchestra from, you know, Beethoven or Henry Purcell—the movement and the climactic point of the symphony—I like to have the same type of emotional projection with my music. Sometimes I take myself a little too seriously with that, and I’m trying to figure out how to be light-hearted about it. Something I’m trying to understand is satire, how to have satire, because that’s a good blend with the whole seriousness of life.”

Yeah, I think it’s important to have a sense of childish innocence and play in your life. There has to be room or nurture your interior.

“Sarcasm, like jokes, out of the reality.”

In closing, how has it felt to talk about these experiences with me and to share some of your thoughts and ideas and emotions?

“It felt good. It’s definitely necessary. And also a learning experience. It all is. I don’t get to do this often, so I’m still raw and young in this expression.”

Do you think it’s possible that by sharing your experiences and your thoughts and your journey in a platform like this, you could be inspiring someone else, giving them hope or even a sense that they’re not alone in what they’re experiencing?

“I’d like to do that. I would definitely approach my practices and learning with that in mind. I wouldn’t say necessarily that it would be my goal or my focus. But I would like for that to happen. ’Cause a lot of people don’t realize how much influence they can have on their environment and their peers. Even if they’re not necessarily in much communication about those things, they just are. It’s just the way we are, it’s like we’re sponges: we absorb habits and behaviors, and subconsciously pick them up from one another, if you’re around those people long enough or watch them and observe them in your environment. And so with that said, to answer your question, yeah, I’d like to be sure I can have a keen sense as how to support people and influence people in a positive way.”

#hope #resilience #music #art #heartsofstrangers #everyhearthasastorytotell #yourstorywillinspireothers #vulnerability #courage #authenicity

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frcstwclf-moved · 7 years

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by popular demand (aka @warricrbcrn suggested it and i told her to) i’m going to answer all of these questions. answers under the cut.

abalone: what kind of situations compromise my muse emotionally answered

aegerine: my muse's opinion of the supernatural he has respect for the spirits of his ancestors, obviously, but that’s really it

agate: how my muse calms down answered

blue lace agate: my muse's favorite form of communication (verbal, letters, texting, etc.) verbal communication is really the only way he communicates (he rarely writes letters and doesn’t have much experience with sign or anything else) so i guess that.

fire agate: if my muse is brave or cowardly he’s a big brave boi. he’s not stupidly brave, but still incredibly so. he isn’t fearless either, but he’ll jump into a fight no problem if need be.

moss agate: if my muse has a high or low opinion of themself answered

amazonite: what kind of situations call for my muse to be dishonest answered

amethyst: what my muse would most like to be able to shape-shift into ... a wolf.

ammolite: how lucky or unlucky my use is considering all of the events in his life, unlucky. not that he believes in luck, but anyway.

angel aura quartz: my muse's opinion of LGBT+ issues not really something he has experience with. i don’t know that LGBT+ issues were really a thing for orcs of his time; they existed, i’m sure, but considering the way that a lot of orc culture works and how intolerable a lot of it is in general, gay, trans, and other orcs of similar identities and sexualities were probably closeted and thus Durotan probably has no idea about any of it. that’s not to say he wouldn’t support them; he feels everyone has the right to a happy life. everyone. (willing to make a longer post on this later)

apache tears: a sadness headcanon he just vanishes and stops talking when he’s sad. he’ll just sit there. you have to make sure he even survives to the point where he’ll break into emotion again, be it negative or positive, because he’ll just sit in the same spot and stare at the ground for fucking hours.

apatite: a headcanon about my muse's intuition it’s saved his life so many times, its ridiculous. his gut-feeling is his best friend, but it seems to clash a lot with his reasoning, especially around Gul’dan’s time of power.

apophyllite: my muse's religious/spiritual beliefs what religion would you call the orcs? they worship their ancestors, it’s not like there’s any god at play there.

aquamarine: where my muse feels most calm/relaxed his home. sitting around their big communal fireplace in the center of their village with his family.

biotite: the biggest problems my muse is currently dealing with being dead. lol

bloodstone: how my muse sees themself as part of the world at large Durotan just feels like he’s another orc chieftain doing his job. he doesn’t understand why so many people think he’s so special, outside of standing up to Gul’dan.

calcite: my muse's social tendencies (introverted vs extroverted, parties vs one-on-one conversations, etc.) he likes people, but anymore than the orcs in his clan and he feels a little overwhelmed. he really only had one good friend that he talks to consistently, and that’s Orgrim, but as far as chieftain-y things his social skills are decent. he’ll tread water until he physically can’t handle it anymore, which is incredibly rare.

carnelian: an art-related headcanon Durotan actually has some artistic talent. he can kinda sketch landscapes and people, if he tries.

celestite: how my muse deals with anxiety not healthily, lmao. he bottles it up until it explodes into one giant mass of anxiety, which means he’ll go sulk for a few hours if possible. if it isn’t, he gets REALLY irritable REALLY quickly.

chalcedony: the saddest my muse has ever been the morning he discovered Ga’nar’s body, the morning after Garad had died and Durotan had been named chieftain. the grief, the anxiety, and the overall reality of it overwhelmed him until he was physically trembling. he spent that night weeping in his mother’s arms.

chalcopyrite: how my muse deals with ending relationships it’s hard for him to do, but if there comes a point where he has to cut ties with someone, he’ll drop’em like they aint shit. no questions asked.

charoite: who my muse looks up to answered

chrysocolla: a money-making headcanon he doesn’t have any, lol.

copper: how I think my muse will end up when they're older he’d be an awesome, wise old chieftain tbh. he’d know alllllll the Frostwolf secrets to teach the kiddos. he’d be heavily grieved by the clan, had he died of old age.

coral: how my muse views the natural world it’s incredibly precious to him. watching Draenor die was one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

diamond: a sex headcanon [ SWEATS ]

dolomite: a sleep headcanon Durotan is a light sleeper, and he either lays on his side or his back. he is often kept up at night by bouts of night terrors and general insomnia, so he’ll stare at the ceiling of the tent until it’s early enough for him to leave and roam around camp without being questioned

emerald: how my muse tells someone they love them without words touches and gestures. arm around your shoulders, a hug, a pat on the arm, that thing people do where they rest their hand on your lower back, hand on your shoulder... the works.

fluorite: what my muse's room looks like it’s relatively neat, i imagine Draka kicks any mess in their tent back into shape. having two sloppy older brothers kinda made him wanna be organized considering there was a time where all five of them lived in a tent together and, from personal experience, sharing sleeping spaces with your siblings fucking sucks

fossil: what my muse's dream job is he really doesn’t have any quarrel with being chieftain. he doesnt know what else he’d do, honestly.

galena: what it's like to be in a relationship with my muse lots of playful bickering and play fighting, but he also will show regularly how sincerely and how much he cares, whether in words or gestures is up to him.

garnet: what my muse's perfect partner would be DRAKA.

gold: my muse's financial situation i don’t know how financially dependent Frostwolves are. pretty sure they just hunt, make, or gather everything they need. he’s doing fine.

hematite: how squeamish my muse is he’s witnessed graphic cannibalism, stabbed a numerous amount of people and gutted and/or beheaded just as many, and has literally bathed his entire face in blood. he doesn’t care. the only thing that’s ever succeeded in making him puke that wasn’t caused by sickness was the combined stench of several hundred decaying bodies, sweaty gross B.O. bodies, and piss and fecal matter when he already felt incredibly put off by his situation. and he puked ONCE.

hiddenite: how much of an "inner child" my muse has jesus, he’s such a man-child. he’d be wrestling in the mud with Orgrim well into his 40′s, knowing him.

iolite: my muse's drinking habits Durotan doesnt drink often but when he does he gets fucked UP. waiting for the day he wakes up in bed next to Blackhand or something tbh.

jade: if my muse would ever cheat on a partner NEVER. hes loyal as fuck. plus Draka would flog him

jasper: what my muse would be like as a parent the dad who tries to be cool and hip and relatable w his kid bc he loves him but just embarrasses Go’el

kyanite: an anger headcanon he screams into Stormfang’s pelt, sometimes. as if killing the poor fucking thing wasn’t enough.

lapis lazuli: where 'home' is to my muse anywhere that his family is. they are his home as much as Frostfire is.

lodestone: what kind of people gravitate towards my muse all kinds of people, honestly. he’s a charismatic and fair leader that’s well-loved by his clan, people like that.

malachite: what my muse as a child thought they would be when they grew up he thought that he and Orgrim would be the clan’s mightiest hunters. he hadn’t a care in the world about being chieftain.

mica: what my muse views as their worst personality trait he thinks he doesn’t have a good enough hold on his temper. he’s constantly afraid of snapping and killing someone without meaning to.

moonstone: my muse's opinions on outer space he thinks the idea of it is cool as shit, even if all he’s ever seen are the moon and stars from the ground. he thinks it’s beautiful.

mother of pearl: if my muse tends to lift people up or bring them down he’s always tried to bring them up, and he usually succeeds. Durotan has never been a pessimist, and he’s always been able to inspire and invigorate the Frostwolves at their lowest points.

nebula stone: how good my muse's memory is very sharp and keen. he can remember things that were said or happened years ago like it was yesterday.

obsidian: which of the seven deadly sins my muse would be probably wrath or pride. Durotan’s temper and lack of self control when upset has always been one of his greatest downfalls, and the Frostwolves are kinda known for being incredibly proud of their heritage and who they are. i feel like he’s a closer match to wrath, just because he’s a bit more humble than, say, Garad.

opal: how creative my muse is he’s moderately creative. he’s not really an artist or a creator, but he enjoys and appreciates creativity and the arts and would rather delight in others’ ideas instead of wrack his brain for his own.

pearl: a mental health headcanon anxiety and stress are eating away at his psyche 3/4 of the time, but he’ll be damned before he admits that to anyone. his PTSD gives him a lot of hell, too. he’ll wake up in a cold sweat right out of a nightmare about his father or one of his brothers or Stormfang, and he’s even had ones concerning that whole cannibalism Nokrar situatuon, but instead it’s the whole clan lying there gutted and eaten, wolves and all. he doesn’t really have flashbacks, unless something REALLY fucked up is going on and it somehow pertains to one of those things. he feels neverending guilt about his entire life in general and not having been able to do more for the people he’s lost. it’s not healthy, at all, and occasionally he’ll open up about it to someone he trusts. usually doesn’t happen all that often, though.

petalite: what my muse would do if they found a wallet on the street ”WHO’S WALLET IS THIS”

pyrite: a physical health headcanon i don’t think that he’s as ripped as everyone seems to think he is? I mean yea he’s buff and strong and huge but i don’t think he’s got a perfect six-pack or anything. a very toned dad bod, if you will

quartz: how my muse thinks other people see them as an authority figure, or a friend. or an enemy. depends on who ‘people’ is.

rhodonite: if my muse prefers elegance or convenience CONVENIENCE.

rubellite: if my muse has any 'triggers' that inspire painful memories Ga’nar and Fenris, honestly. he avoids mentioning them in conversation like the plague. the names themselves ARE painful memories.

ruby: a happiness headcanon if he’s smiling with all of his teeth showing, it means he’s fucking ECSTATIC.

sapphire: if everyone my muse knew was hanging off a cliff and they could only choose three to save, the rest certainly dying, who they would choose JESUS CHRIST I HATE THESE. he’d take Go’el, Draka, and Orgrim, probably. watching the rest of the clan plummet off a cliff (HIS FUCKING MOTHER BEING A PART OF THEM), he’d NEVER forgive himself.

serpentine: how my muse would seduce another [alt: how my muse makes their money] DUROTAN? SEDUCE SOMEONE??? H A

silver: if my muse prefers masculinity or femininity he really doesn’t give a damn. what’s even the difference, in orc culture? everyone’s got long hair, everyone’s wearing skirts, everyone’s kicking ass and taking names... how does it work

tsavorite: if my muse believes in destiny or fate answered

ulexite: how empathetic/sympathetic/compassionate my muse is extremely. he cares about everyone and everything, and doesn’t want to hurt people if he doesn’t have to. unakite: what my muse's ideal pet would be his wolfie, Nightstalker. loves him to bits

verdite: my muse's ethnicity/family history an unbroken line of Frostwolf chieftains, apparently, and he descended from the nomadic Frostwolf Clan

zebra stone: what gets my muse excited wolf pups. hunting. Draka. Orgrim. Go’el. Geyah. weaving. horse-play. his clan mates. THERES A LOT.

zoisite: does my muse believe everything's going to work out for them in the end or not? ... yes. he really, truly believes that everything will be okay.

#jesus this took forever #⚔️ { 𝖗𝖊𝖘𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖜𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖞 𝖇𝖔𝖓𝖊𝖘 𝖇𝖊𝖘𝖎𝖉𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖎𝖗𝖊 ⁽ᵒᵒᶜ⁾ } ⚔️#⚔️ { 𝖑𝖔𝖋𝖙𝖞 𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖚𝖌𝖍𝖙𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖆 𝖑𝖔𝖋𝖙𝖞 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖉 ⁽ᵐᵘˢᶦⁿᵍ⁾ } ⚔️#⚔️ { 𝖆 𝖙𝖗𝖚𝖊 𝖈𝖍𝖎𝖊𝖋𝖙𝖆𝖎𝖓 ⁽ᵈᵘʳ��ᵗᵃⁿ⁾ } ⚔️

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seasideopinions · 7 years

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New Year, New Me?

The New Year always brings with it the heavy weight of expectations for the future and the burden of wounds from the past. It seems as though everyone indulges in some self introspection and soul searching come January 1st. Typically,this comes in the form of paragraph long Facebook posts and Instagram captions, some new hair cuts, and declarations of “new year, new me.” I, like the masses, am somewhat guilty of engaging in these superficial traditions. Which brings me to this post.

After a hefty holiday season, and saddled with high expectations for the upcoming months, I thought that the general public might need a little reminder to take care of themselves through it all. And being a self centred millennial, I decided to do it by talking about the example I know best: me.

2016 was, as Kylie Jenner so eloquently put, “the year of just like, realizing stuff, you know?” Collectively we realized many things, such as the general ignorance of the American public (Trump supporters, we're looking at you), the beginning of a neo-coldwar relationship between Russia and ,well, everybody, and the level of atrocities required before the world pays any attention (Re: Syrian Refugee Crisis). Globally, we might all agree that 2016 may have been the beginning of the end; that maybe the Mayans were four years premature in their prediction. In 2016 we realized countless things, and personally I realized more than I thought was possible.

The past 12 months were tumultuous for me, at best. My resolution going into the new year last January was to get myself back to the gym and take care of my health in a way that I had been lacking. That lasted for about 4 months, during which time I lost 12 lbs, gained a lot of self confidence, and a much happier mindset. It seemed as though nothing could go wrong.

Unfortunately, right when things are going smoothly is when you're the most unprepared for a speed bump, and the shock of it can send you hurtling off the shoulder of the road. That's what happened to me when, after months of having everything under control, I suddenly found myself finished second semester, desperately looking for a job, and struggling to keep my head up in a sea of anxiety and depressive feelings. These issues are not new to me, however I was entirely surprised at their return, as things had been going so well. Fast forward through the summer months, past a grueling 40 hour a week job, a wrecked knee, and a therapist, all the way to September. Things were starting to get better for me. School was back in session, work was less demanding, and I seemed to be reaping the rewards of 2 months of counselling. But once again, things began to unravel. Work was exhausting, and I was dealing with health problems, including nasty side effects from a new medication that left me sick, tired, and unable to eat enough for five weeks. The next bout of medication I tried was very successful, and the weeks of drowsiness and nausea were behind me. The hospital trips and tests were over as things worked themselves out. But, with the stress of finals, work, and the holidays, the anxiety returned. Following a particularly nasty panic attack, I finally booked back in to see my therapist. During a conversation with my boyfriend, we decided that what I need to do in 2017 is focus on myself, and stop worrying so much about what I thought I should be doing. This lesson is something that everyone can benefit from.

During our 20s, it's very easy to get caught up in the idea of the perfect trajectory of our lives: Graduate in four years, move out, work a part time job, get a fancy internship during the summers, make connections and network, have a relationship, party on the weekends and go on Instagram worthy vacations because it's the best years of our life, dammit! It's totally, 100% unrealistic

I, like most students my age, spent the better part of 2016 working on everything except for myself. I spent every weekend working this past semester and I took five 3000 level classes, all while ignoring my own health and well-being. I didn't spend time doing things that I enjoy, nor did I spend enough time with my friends. I was so busy that even when I had a day off of work and school, I felt obligated to do something productive, like go shopping, see a friend, or go on a date with my boyfriend. There were very few days this year, especially the second half, that I spent on myself.

To start off my year, the first thing I needed to do was make more time for myself. Between work and school, something had to go. Rather than stalling my education or quitting a job I love, I decided to simply slow down. I plan on taking three courses instead of five this semester, and then take two in the spring. Rather than sprinting from January to April, writing exams, and then working 40 or 50 hours a week from May until August, I plan on leisurely strolling through the first half of the year. My goal is to take the artificially created pressure off of myself. As students living in a world where housing, food, and education prices are all rising, and the job market is competitive, we're conditioned to believe that we should always be doing something more. Take more courses, work more hours, join more extracurriculars. This mindset can be so harmful, because when we're constantly working towards something, we don't take the time to enjoy what we do have.

My second goal is to spend more time doing things that I enjoy. The value of time spent doing things simply for pleasure and not for work is entirely underestimated. I plan on honing my photography skills, playing the piano more often, learning how to play the guitar, reading more books, and writing more often. I want to try out new cafés, explore new areas of my city, learn to drive, and go on more day trips. All of these things are thought of as luxuries in this fast paced world we live in, but they shouldn't be. Taking the time to feed your passions and your creativity is so important to your happiness and sense of satisfaction in your life. If I was to ask each and every person reading this if there’s something they wished they had more time to do, I'm positive everyone would be able to list off at least one thing. This year take time to enjoy things that are valuable to you on a personal level, not on a financial or academic level.

My third goal for 2017 is to take control over my own health. This is about understanding that health encompasses the body and the mind working together, and that if one isn't in tip top shape, the other will suffer. As students, we rarely have the time to take care of our bodies or our minds, and many of us take their good condition for granted. However, like anything worth having, our health is worth working for. Personally, I need to workout for my mental health as well as my physical health. I need to be aware of what I'm putting into my body, from alcohol, to fast food, to nothing at all. I need to make sure to get enough sleep, get enough fresh air, and take my vitamins. I need to talk to my friends, my family, my doctor and my therapist when I'm not feeling my best. I need to act in a way that's responsible and conducive to all types of health: mental, physical, and social. My hope is that taking more time for myself will allow me to do these things naturally, without additional stress. I sincerely believe that by making your health your number one priority, everyone can lead a much happier life.

As 2017 begins, we know that the world around us is unpredictable. More celebrities will die, Trump will become the President of the United States, and the Kardashians will probably do something stupid. While we can't control any of that, what we can do is take care of ourselves. Not everybody has the luxuries that I do, and not everyone can do everything on this list. But in some way or another, I believe that by slowing down our lives, spending more time doing things that we love, and taking control of our health, we can all enjoy a happier and healthier New Year.

#self care #new year #2017 #health #balance

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frontproofmedia · 5 years

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The Newest Vegas Strip Headliner: Tyson Fury

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Published: June 13, 2019

LAS VEGAS (June 12, 2019) – Ten minutes before the press conference was set to begin, Tyson Fury waltzed onto the stage at the David Copperfield Theater and started the proceedings early. The Tyson Fury Show had officially hit the Vegas Strip. Fury (27-0-1, 19 KOs) will defend his lineal heavyweight title against undefeated German challenger Tom Schwarz (24-0, 16 KOs) Saturday at MGM Grand Garden Arena, live on ESPN+ (10 p.m. ET). He commented on his challenger's good lucks and engaged in a pose-off with his adversary before the formal press conference got underway. This is what the main event participants and Top Rank chairman Bob Arum had to say.

Tyson Fury On the response of the American people to him

"I feel like the crowd has warmed to me. Everyone has been very welcoming. The American people, all different types of people, have been coming up to me, people from all over the world here in Vegas. People who don't speak English, people who don't even watch boxing. It's quite humbling, to be honest. It's a very great experience to be here, Las Vegas, MGM Grand. It's where all the great fights happen. Seeing your face on all the movie screens and posters is great." "I believe the fight with Wilder only helped my profile here in the United States, and here we are again, only a few days away from the biggest fight of my life." On his public battle with mental awareness "I talk about mental health a lot because it's very important to me. Only 18 months ago, I was in a very, very dark place. I just wanted to prove to people that there is a way back. You can come back from anything. Nothing is impossible, and if you'd seen me a time ago when I was very heavy and very unwell... I love to inspire people. to get better and change their lives as I did mine. And I'm living proof that anyone can change." "I was down and out. I have my family right here, and even those guys thought I was gone. There was no return for 'They Gypsy King.' No more. He was finished. I dusted myself off, got back on the road, got back mentally well, and me, {trainer} Ben {Davison} and the whole team, we worked very hard for a long time to get to this position." "I am living the dream. That's why I'm so happy, so positive all the time. I'm one of the only people who is living what they want to do. There is nothing else that I wanted to do. As a kid, I wanted to be heavyweight champion of the world. So now, everything is a bonus. I wake up every day, enjoy life, and take life as it comes."

Tom Schwarz

"Training for this fight was very good. We had hundreds of sparring partners to prepare for this big fight. My time is now!" On adding Roberto Norris to his corner "He makes me train harder and that has made me a stronger fighter. I have also learned new boxing skills with him. He has taught me the American style." "Top Rank is a great company and Bob Arum is the God of all promoters. We also know Frank Warren very well. He is a great promoter, too. The eyes of the world will be on Las Vegas this Saturday night and for that, I'm very honored and excited. It will be a great fight and I'm coming to win it and shock the world."

Bob Arum

"I am absolutely delighted with this reception. The job of a promoter, as Frank {Warren} would attest, can be very difficult. Once in a while, many times, you get guys who are reluctant to speak to the press. You gotta give them scripts as to what to say. With Tyson Fury, all you have to do is get him into place so that he can meet with the press, he can meet with the public. You don't have to tell him what to say because he knows how to reach the public and reach the press. It's really been a delight to do this promotion. I'm a big fan of German boxing, and I know Tom - who many of you have not heard of - is a tremendous fighter. Our matchmakers went over the tapes of his 24 victories and some of his amateur tapes, and we realize what a tremendous fighter he is." ESPN+, 10 p.m. ET/7 p.m. PT Tyson Fury (champion) vs. Tom Schwarz (challenger), 12 rounds, Fury's Lineal world heavyweight title, Jesse Hart vs. Sullivan Barrera, 10 rounds, light heavyweight ESPN2 and ESPN Deportes, 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT Mikaela Mayer vs. Lizbeth Crespo, 10 rounds, super featherweight Andy Vences vs. Albert Bell, 10 rounds, Vences' WBC Continental Americas super featherweight belt Isaac Lowe vs. Duarn Vue, 10 rounds, Lowe's WBC International featherweight belt Guido Vianello vs. Kennan Hickman, 6 rounds, heavyweight Peter Kadiru vs. Juan Torres, 4 rounds, heavyweight SWING BOUTS Sonny Conto vs. Daniel Infante, 4 rounds, heavyweight Cem Kilic vs. Martez McGregor 8 rounds, super middleweight

(Featured Photo: Mikey Williams/Top Rank)

#HF #Tyson Fury #Tom Schwarz #ESPN #Top Rank Boxing

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researching01 · 5 years

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Podcast #497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety

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Podcast #497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety

According to recent statistics, the number of Americans dealing with anxiety ailments is over 40 million and that number is increasing. My guest today is one of those Americans who’s suffered from bouts of nervousnes all of his life. He’s also a successful journalist. So he decided to use his journalistic chops to explore the history of anxiety and how we treat it in the hopes he could gain more insight about the mental disorder that has beset him since his youth.

His name is Scott Stossel. He’s an editor at The Atlantic and the author of My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind. We begin our conversation discussing Scott’s experience with anxiety that began as a child, what nervousnes may seem like, and how he’s treated it throughout their own lives. We then dig into the history of anxiety, looking at how it’s been viewed differently through time, and at what phase psychologists classified it as a mental disorder. Scott then strolls us through the differences between hypothesis about what causes anxiety and what the research says about the best ways to treat it. We aim our conversation discussing the nation of Scott’s anxiety today and whether he thinks he’ll ever be cured.

Show Highlights Scott’s lifelong experience with anxiety The benefits and usefulness of anxiety Society’s general increase of anxiousness, and why this happens How did nervousnes used to be diagnosed and treated? The arbitrary diagnosing of nervousnes ailments Genetics vs. environment vs. culture in induce anxiousness What can we do to boost our resilience and resistance to anxiety? The pros and cons of therapy, drugs, and other therapies The power of regular exert Can anxiety truly ever be cured? Resources/People/Articles Mentioned in Podcast AoM series on Male Depression How to Deal With Anxiety Agoraphobia Our podcast with Lenore Skenazy about free-range parenting AoM series on Overprotective Parenting Modern “Neurasthenia”: Curing Your Restlessness Are Modern People the Most Exhausted in History ? A Simple Cure for Restlessness Mastering Mindset to Improve Happiness, Health, and Longevity Action Over Feelings Neuropeptide Y Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics National Alliance on Mental Illness Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Connect With Scott

Scott’s website

Scott on Twitter

Listen to the Podcast!( And don’t forget to leave us a review !)

Listen to the episode on a separate page .

Download this episode .

Subscribe to the podcast in the media player of your selection .

Recorded on ClearCast.io

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Read the Transcript

Brett McKay: Brett McKay here and welcome to another edition of The Art of Manliness Podcast. According to recent statistics, the number of Americans dealing with anxiety ailments is over 40 million, and that number is increasing. My guest today is one of those Americans who suffered from bouts of anxiety all of his life. He is also a successful journalists. So, we decided to use his journalistic chops to explore the history of anxiety and how we treat it in the hoax he had been able to gain more insight and about the mental disorder that has beset him since his youth.

His name is Scott Stossel. He’s an editor at the Atlantic and the author of My Age Of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread And The Search For Peace Of Mind. We begin our conversation discussing Scott’s experience with anxiety that began as a child. What anxiety may seem like and how he’s treated it throughout their own lives. We then dig into the history of anxiety looking at how its been viewed differently through time and at what point psychologists classified it as a mental disorder. Scott then walks us through the differences between theories about what causes anxiety and what the research says about the best ways to treat it.

We end our conversation discussing the country of Scott’s anxiety today. Whether he thinks he will ever be cured. After the show’s over, check out our prove notes at aom.is/ ageofanxiety. Scott joins me now via clearcast.io.

Right, Scott Stossel, welcome to the show.

Scott Stossel: Thanks so much for having me.

Brett McKay: You wrote a book, My Age Of Anxiety, which is a cultural history, scientific history of nervousnes. Which is something a lot more Americans are struggling with, they’re reporting struggling with. But not only is this a history, it’s a narrative of your own struggle with anxiety throughout your life. Let’s start there. How long have you been struggling and dealing with anxiety?

Scott Stossel: Its candidly been pretty much a lifelong struggle from a very young age. The earliest I can recollect, I had terrible acute separation anxiety when I was a little kid. Any time I was away from my parents, I was convinced that they were dead or died in a automobile accident or that they were actually robots and I was part of some experiment. By the time I got to school, I would have anxious stomach aches and anxious headaches and I would always end up in the nurse’s office. I would fret endlessly about all kinds of things.

So, genuinely from the time I was … My earliest memories, I remember being worried about things. I have, I think a temperamental propensity towards nervousnes and worry that showed itself at a very, very young age.

Brett McKay: Did it manifest itself differently over the years as you got older.

Scott Stossel: Yeah, the separation anxiety and that’s a classic early manifestation of people who grew up to develop what you clinically called anxiety ailments. But over time, I developed specific phobiums; dread of heights, anxiety of enclosed spaces, fear of cheese and anxiety of vomiting, dread of flying, which was a fairly acute one that still plagues me today.

I also, as I get older, started having panic attacks, which anyone who’s experienced them knows are often when they recur with any frequency over a given period, that becomes clinically known as panic disorder. I had that. When I got to middle school and high school, I had all kinds of social anxiety where I worry about interacting with other people, particularly performing in public. I was in the school play in sixth grade, it was humiliating, I had to walk off stage because I lost the ability to speak.

And then I carried all that with me into adulthood, basically these anxieties were regrettably added if not substituting. I wasn’t switching one for the other. Just every time I got a new anxiety, I would just add that to the ones I already had. By the time I got to high school and then young adulthood, I was not all the time but pretty constantly struggling with some collection of anxieties about going to school, traveling, getting sick, dealing with other people.

The strain of dealing with that would lead to depression. It was a fairly toxic stew of negative feelings I was dealing with by the time I was a young adult.

Brett McKay: Right, one two punch. I imagine, we’ll talk about you’re still working with this stuff today. But you’re a writer for The Atlantic. You’re a public figure. Is it still something you struggle with? The fact that “youve got to” do speaking involvements or things like that, is that something you have to manage as well?

Scott Stossel: It is. I’m what they call … I’m a high functioning person with nervousnes ailment. There’s some people who get so anxious that they’re what’s called agoraphobia, where their panic disorder gets so bad that the range of things they can do gets smaller and smaller. Eventually, they are people who are confined to their houses or even be restricted to one room in their house and can’t do anything for years at a time.

I’ve had periods like that, fortunately, short periods where I could feel the world closing in on me. But for the best part, with a combination of medication, other kinds of therapy, and just force of will sometimes, mostly managed to live a normal life and have a career.

There are ways in which, and I talk about this in the book in which anxiety has its benefits or at least it’s connected to temperamental traits that are good. If you’re super anxious about things, you’re kind of hyper vigilant, which builds you good at scanning the environment and being aware of your social situations or being able to read social cues. People with social nervousnes probably over read them, but it can be a useful skill. Your worrying a lot can be debilitating if it’s excessive, but it also helps you to plan for different eventualities. You can look ahead.

I think that only the struggles I’ve had with my mental health have stimulated me more empathetic towards other people have those conflicts and even to people who don’t have those conflicts. I think it helps with communication. There are a lot of ways in which even though I dislike my anxiety when it’s flaring up, it’s probably propelled me along, its stimulated me conscientious because I’m afraid of screwing up, I’m afraid of appear bad. That becomes a motivator.

A lot of times I feel like I’m patched together or scarcely holding it together because my anxiety is so bad or, I’m pharmaceutically armored against my anxiety. That’s how I’ve struggled through, and I still struggle with it today a lot. We can talk about that more later if you want. But I’ve been fortunate enough to manage to, mostly be a productive member of society.

Brett McKay: Well, this volume came out 2014. It’s been five years. You’re seeing all these reports come out week after week about how Americans, especially young Americans and young Westerners in general, are increasingly feeling like they’re anxious or they’re suffering from anxiety. What are the numbers? How many Americans do we know are reporting being anxious?

Scott Stossel: They’re really high. There was a study a couple, before my volume came out, some years ago that talked about how the average level of nervousnes for a typical high school student now self-rated report on anxiety is the same as it was for inpatient psychiatric patients in the 1950 s. Basically, the average kid today is as anxious and neurotic and miserable as people who are in psychiatric hospitals a couple of generations ago. Then there’s all kinds of other statistics that just show levels of stress, worry, nervousnes, nervousnes disorder diagnosis, are much, much higher in young people pretty much across all Western countries. Particularly, there’s a lot of data about Europe and the United States.

In the US, I suppose, there’s so much data that this is something real. I guess part of it is our definitions of what constitutes a clinical anxiety ailment have expanded and become a little bit more elastic. Probably can be know more about these disorders so people now can identify them partly because you’ve got now medications that have been approved to treat them. You’ve got the marketing imperatives of the narcotic companies. The more broadly you can define an nervousnes ailment, the more people you have that you’re able to prescribe it to.

Partly, this is inflation of a diagnostic category. I think in any society, there’s some complement of people who will be anxious under many circumstances. But I also think that there are a lot of factors about the culture in the society right now that are driving people, and especially young people to be more anxious. At the largest societal level, we’re in a long period really going all the way back to the dawn of the industrial revolution, but accelerating now in the internet age, of simply rapid alter, economic dislocation, all forms of transitions. There’s merely a pace of life because of the internet. The route people select themselves into tribes, set the pressure to create your own personal brand on the internet. There’s just so many countervailing pressures that confound young person about what their identity is.

In centuries past, you were born into your role. Your family had a status in the tribe or in the medieval village you lived in or even in your farm village in the 19 th century America. Now, who are you? You can choose your gender, you can choose your sexual preference, you can choose the groups you affiliate with socially. All this creates a lot of stress. And then the last factor I was just saying, is just there’s been a lot written about this, particular people in the millennial generation and younger, there’s so much helicopter parenting. Your mothers are super involved and driven and trying to make their kids succeed.

But the combination of overprotectiveness and pressure to achieve is really toxic, because on the one hand, these kids feel all this pressure to succeed and do better than their parents and get into good colleges or do whatever. At the same time, the parents are doing things for them that parents of previous generations wouldn’t. It robs them of their impression of freedom and resilience. It’s genuinely an epidemic thing. I’ve talked to a lot of psychiatrists both for the book but then also people I’ve come to know who are now friends who are psychiatrists, who are therapists and they see this as merely an epidemic phenomenon. All those factors combined to create soaring levels of anxiety.

Brett McKay: Let’s talk, you mentioned there’s a cultural component to anxiety. It’s not that anxiety is a culture construct. That it exists, it rooted in biology, but the culture has an influence. For example, the diagnostic of anxiety ailment didn’t exist 35 years ago. I’m older than that, I’m 37. How old am I? 36. I forget how old … At some point you stop counting how old you are.

Scott Stossel: That’s right, because of a defense mechanism.

Brett McKay: Right? But that doesn’t mean that people weren’t anxious. What did we call anxiety say like 2,000 years ago, or 100 years ago or even 50 years ago?

Scott Stossel: Good question. Its been called all different things. Obviously, the emotion that we feel, or the situate of emotional and physical experiences “youve got in” your body when you are feeling what we now call anxiety, humans have experienced since they were humen. What did they call it in[ inaudible] days when they were cavemen? They didn’t have a concept of anxiety, but when they went out of the cave and they were worried about getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger, their own problems would sweat, their hair would stand on end, their stomaches would hurt. That is anxiety.

Even in animals, the fight or flight response is a sort of evolutionary program instinct to help keep species alive. What we call anxiety today emanates from that deeply rooted evolutionary, biological reality. But over the years different cultures have and science has called it all kinds of different things. For many years, the Renaissance, they would group what we now call anxiety and depression together under melancholy. If you suffer from what, you’re worried about things, or you were depressed, your were called melancholy.

Once you get into the 19 th century, in Europe and America, they would call it asthenia. It was meant to simply a set of traits that was a combination of physical things. It could be like dizziness, sweats, gastrointestinal problems and emotional things; phobias, worry, basically could encompass anything because your nervousness, you experience it in your brain, but it has impact throughout your body.

Getting into the Freudian age, Freud became very influential through the 20 th century, particularly into the mid-2 0th century. He talked about what we today call anxiety as neurosis. He had a different hypothesi of what caused it; childhood sex, repressed sexual desire, conflicts with your mothers, the edible complex, which a lot of which has been debunked now. But as a culture idiom, the idea of neuroses became very prominent in the culture. That was through World War II, up until 1980 when the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, which is the Bible of the psychiatric profession, they redefined the neurosis as anxiety.

Technically, anxiety disorders didn’t exist when you were born and they didn’t exist when I was a little kid. I’m 49 now. For the first 10 years of my life when I was starting to get taken to psychiatrists, they would say I have childhood neurosis or something like that. It’s now been redefined as anxiety. The labels we put on this do inflect how we think about them and how we treat them. But it is the same underlying define of you and I or if I think of myself, I would be feeling the same set of unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, whatever age I was in, and whatever we choose to call it. Just now we classify them as nervousnes disorders.

Brett McKay: Right? The route we describe and the way we talk about it has changed. For example, within the Renaissance, melancholia, yeah, you were considered depressed and anxious. But it was romantic too. It was like, well, you’re simply ponderous, romantic person who’s thinking about big believes. It was a positive spin on it. But then Freud saying, “No, neurosis is bad. We got to solve your neurosis by sitting on a couch and talking to a therapist over and over again until you solve it.”

There’s that swinging backward and forward. Yeah, there’s some good and bad, but then it’s all bad.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. There’s often been, you referenced the Renaissance era, this sense that having melancholy is attached to having an artistic or refined or sophisticated sensibility. It was actually seemed to be a desirable trait. If you were melancholic, it meant you were creative and artistic and must be very smart. Sometimes, there are, and this is contested among actual experts about whether is there a link between mental illness of various kinds, including nervousnes and depression and ingenuity. So many famous writers, for instance, and artists have had very prominent psychiatric ailments or alcoholism or things like that. Is there us-led coalition forces between the things that stimulate you anxious and depressed and the things that give you an artistic sensibility?

Maybe there’s, like I say, different people dispute that. You’re right, that the culture interpreting we put on anxiety alters. One thing in particular, as a man, that this has been changed recently, but there’s a lot of shame associated with is anxiety cowardice? And cowardice is shameful. There’s almost no worse epithet you can swing at a human than being a coward or whatever.

But suppressing this stuff or not treating it can be very dangerous. Instead of going to a therapist, a lot of people turn to alcohol or narcotics and basically try to manage their nervousnes in very unhealthy routes, that can be quite dangerous.

Brett McKay: We’ll get into that a bit more because I’d like to talk about stuff like Navy SEALS and neuro peptide wide and whatever. But talking about the current diagnosis of anxiety, I thought it was interesting, you explore the DSM and how they came up with it. We talked about some other people and we talked about depression. How a lot of this stuff, it’s ad hoc. There was just threw spaghetti at the wall, or sometimes there’s dinners, and they’re like, “Well, here’s the five things that we think that you can use to diagnose anxiety.” It often seems very arbitrary sometimes.

Scott Stossel: It’s often completely arbitrary. I was fascinated when doing research for this book and hearing some of these there is talk. The people who did a previous edition of the DSM, every 10 or 20, 30 years, they reissue a new one. When they introduced all the anxiety disorders for the first time, that was in 1980, with the DSM three, the third edition. Yeah, I would hear from people who are part of the committee that came up with the categories. They’d be sitting around and they would have come up with a definition for panic disorder. But even that was arbitrary. They’d say, “Well, it’s if you have six … ” I’m trying to remember. If you have X number of panic attacks over a period of six months, well, then you have panic disorder. Well, why did they choice six months instead of a year or two months? And why X number of panic attacks instead of why?

The more interesting one was then they were talking about, well, we’ve got all these different kinds of anxieties categorized into discrete disorders. You’ve got phobias, which is fear of specific things, you’ve get social anxiety, which is fear of social situations. We’ve got panic disorder, which is panic attacks. We’ve got OCD, which is obsessive compulsive ailment. They’re at this dinner, they’re like, well, what about our colleague Joe? He’s just generally anxious. They’re like, oh, well, let’s come up with something called generalized anxiety disorder.

They was also expressed that into the third edition of the DSM. Then once it exists as a real category, then researchers and drug companies start to treat it as a real thing. And they do analyzes based on the sets of symptoms that you’re supposed to have, to be characterized with that cancer. It starts to become certified into you’re testing for a thing that you made up in the first place.

Again , not that the underlying suffering is not real and not there, but is generalized anxiety disorder truly its own separate ailment, or is it, as some people now think, merely a subset of depression, or depression with anxiety, or people who are depressed often worry a lot and get sucked up into their head? Well, that’s what people with generalized anxiety disorder do. They simply worry continuously and spin in circles in their head.

Being very anxious can be depressing. No wonder that nervousnes and depression are so often co-occur in people. And then many people with depression experience nervousnes. It’s unclear how these things actually … In the DSM, they’re very neatly cleaved from one another. This disorder is distinct from that disorder. A lot of people are now starting to think maybe, especially as they start to look at the neuroscience of this, which is still in early stages, but perhaps this is all variants of the same thing. I imagine, 100 years from now, when scientists look back, they may think that our categorizations of these things are pretty crude, but they’re very good we have right now.

Brett McKay: It’s like when we think about how people talk about[ inaudible] that was various kinds of silly.

Scott Stossel: Or hysteria. Hysteria was particularly for women. But there was some … What was that? Was that a culture phenomenon? Was it a medical phenomenon? It was both, and these things always intersect. That’s always interesting to me, when you have a real biological thing that gets interpreted culturally, that’s fascinating and really does alteration how we treat and think about people who have these disorders.

Brett McKay: I imagine that it can cause a lot of confusion and annoyance for people struggling with it. They’re going to help and they’re getting inconsistent diagnosis from different … One therapist is like, well, you have this, but not this to this. It’s like, well, what am I? What am I supposed to be doing with what I … How much to go after what I have?

Scott Stossel: Yeah, when my book came out, I had a lot of people say that or versions of that, that they struggled a lot. But in general, I would say, most therapists, there’s a lot of agreement, and it may change, but there are certain things that there’s emerging data about what works for all these things, or many of these things. For instance, there’s a sort of therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy, which is basically a combination of helping people to change their guess to build them less maladaptive. Break the cycle of negative thinking and reality test a better route. People are worried about things who have generalized anxiety disorder, they always ensure the worst case scenario. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you restructure your way of thinking so you can see things in a more realistic way. And then help you change your behavior and uncovering yourself to the things, if you have anxiety, uncovering yourself to the things you’re afraid to decondition you from the fear.

There’s a lot of evidence over now, more than a decade, that that kind of therapy can work for all kinds of anxiety disorder, from obsessive compulsive disorder, for depression. There are things that work. There are certain medications. Medication, when we talk about that, that’s all complex to where my sense is, your drugs can work, but there is a great mystery about how they run, when they work, who they work for, what the downsides are. But there are some studies and a lot of evidence to suggest that for some people, certain medications can help them with their anxiety and depression.

Even though we’re still groping around for proper definitions and everything is categories and are messy. There are things that are generally believed to work.

Brett McKay: We’ll talk about medications, that’s interesting as well. Again, it’s like how we define and diagnose anxiety. A plenty of the drug developed were very ad hoc, and we’ll talk about it, because it’s really interesting as well. But let’s talk about, what causes anxiety? Because some people will look at it, “Well, it’s like a choice. You can only snap out of it. Get yourself together.” But there’s also evidence that says no, there’s a genetic component to it.” What’s going on? What causes anxiety?

Scott Stossel: There are multiple causes. But there’s tons of proof, there’s a strong genetic component. Only about everybody has some adaptive predisposition to experience, have a fight or flight response to have a fear response. But there are some people, who because of their genes, are born with what psychologists call it, temperament that is more highly reactive.

It’s literally, that their DNA and codes for a physiology that is more high reactive. Those people … You can see it in newborns. You can often tell the ones that are going to grow up to have anxiety ailments because they have more exaggerated, what’s called startle responses. If you make a loud noise or flashing a light at them, you can see their heart rate increases more, or they sweat more, they have electric conductance in their skin is greater. It literally is, it’s something that you can’t control it, it’s profoundly, profoundly wired in and scientists are starting to look at the various clusters of genes that lead to that.

Some people are just born with a ready predisposition to be anxious. But then on top of that, there’s the environmental factor. There’s also tons of evidence that, and this is where Freud was wrong, early childhood experiences have a profound impact on your psychology and your mental resilience, psychological resilience for the rest of your life.

So, people, kids, and adults who are exposed to trauma, it changes your brain chemistry and even your brain structure in such a way that this is what PTSD is. You’re now much more prone to anxiety and depression, panic attack. It’s a gene environment interaction. There are some people who are born with such an anxious predisposition that even small stressors are going to send them into spiraling nervousnes or depression and stimulate them develop a disorder. There are other people who are going to be much more resistant to it, but even those people, most of them, or many of them anyway, if exposed to enough trauma; war or something horrific in childhood will develop the elements of an anxiety disorder.

Then overlaid on top of that, as we were talking about earlier, there are the cultural and social level stuff, are there certain cultures or periods of history that are more anxiety make than others? I guess the evidence suggests that there are. But I suppose the strongest contributor by far is your jeans. Some people only have the calamity to be born highly anxious, and some people who are born more serene. But as with all human traits, then surrounding plays a role too.

Brett McKay: Yeah, well, you talked about even your own family anxiety seems to run in your family.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. When I was both in my therapy, but as I was researching the book, I was trying to figure out, well, what is the source of my own nervousnes? My mom, super high warrior, had a lot of phobias, which I got from her, that I get them from her by watching her because I learned them from her from environmental or is it genetically encoded. Then her parents both had worrying personality traits. Her grandfather, my great grandpa, had fought awfully with what they then called anxiety neurosis. Was institutionalized in psychiatric hospitals many times.

Again, he had a very successful career. Was a smart, accomplished guy, but that would just get wholly incapacitated by his anxiety, would have to go to the mental hospital and get electroshock therapy to get his brain reset. I’ve got other relatives who struggle with this. Studies show that once you have some number of anxious people in a family, you’ll find many many more. Is that transmitted by environment? Did I learn it from my mom, from watching my mama, from watching my grandparents? Maybe, or was it transmitted through my genes? Well, probably that too and you can never totally disentangle them.

Brett McKay: Well, you’re going back to that notion that you brought up that for men anxiety can be like a slap in the face because if you have it, you’re a coward. But we were talking about Navy SEALs. Some people are born with a predisposition to be very anxious, but some are born like they’re just water off a duck’s back. Navy SEALS, they’ve done research on them where they found they actually have a genetic predisposition to be hyper resilient, even in super stressful situations.

Scott Stossel: Exactly. I was fascinated by that analyse. Navy SEALs are a really interesting study because they’re such extreme human specimen. To get to the point where you get through Navy SEAL training, it’s like you must be incredibly physically fit. Then they put you through these physical adversities, like sleep deprivation and incredible hardship.

The physical component is hard enough, but these guys, they’re able to withstand almost a form of torture, that would cause me or many other people to only break down. There’s a guy at Yale who was studying, what is it that stimulates these guys so resilient. He would take, I think it was from their blood samples, measuring different neurotransmitters in their brain. He found that the Navy SEALs who succeeded in do the Navy SEAL training, had unusually high levels of something called neuro peptide Y. Basically, if you have a high level of … They could actually predict in advance to try to determine cause and effect. Finishing the course gives you a boost of confidence or something that causes your neuro peptide Y to rise or do you have a natural baseline level of it?

When they looked at these people in advance, they could nearly predict how they would do on the test by their levels of neuro peptide Y in advance. And there are other studies that show that neuro peptide Y, your levels of that are genetically ascertained, or at the least partly genetically ascertained. Which to me is powerful evidence that your level of psychological resilience is conferred by your genes, which allows you to produce this neurotransmitter that builds you unusually psychologically resilient. But what psychologists are now truly interested in studying and in the military too is, how can you cultivate this in non-genetic routes? Many of us would benefit from being more resilient?

There things that we can do through therapy or through life experiences that boost our levels of neuro peptide Y, or that create the psychological structures in our head that are associated with neuro peptide Y and that induce us resilient and resistant to anxiety, traumatic stress, that kind of thing. It’s truly promising region of research. It’s basically focusing on the people who are the least anxious and figure out, how can we use what they have going for them both in terms of how they think and what’s in their brain to treat people who are particularly non-resilient or highly anxious?

Brett McKay: Well, let’s talk about the history of treating anxiety. You mentioned earlier, right now, there’s a lot of promising research, and studies have shown that cognitive behavior therapy can help mitigate or help people manage their anxiety. But besides that, what are some of the other routes as far as therapy goes, and we’ve used to try to treat anxiety disorders?

Scott Stossel: Well, so these days, there’s cognitive behavioral therapy. There’s more traditional talk therapy. CBT is a form of talk therapy. Bu[ inaudible] when “youre thinking about” from the movies, which is just talking to a psychiatrist, or psychologist or a social worker, or a therapist or some other kind of psychodynamic therapy that’s called. There’s a lot of evidence that simply, talking to someone who listens sympathetically to your problems, has some training, both helping you solve basic life challenges, but also helping you resolve childhood issues. There’s some evidence that that works.

Then there’s medication. Going back, really millennia, if you read the ancient Greeks or even Hippocrates, the most original, most famous doctor in history, talks about how wine can treat nervousnes. For years people have been using alcohol and opium and things like that to medicate anxiety.

Just going back 100 and some years, there have been waves of different things that have been used to treat particular anxiety and then anxiety and depression. Way back at the turn of the 20 th century, you had barbiturates and other sedatives that were used to treat anxiety. Then around mid-century, you had the sunrise of what are called the benzodiazepines. That’s valium and librium and these days you have Klonopin, Xanax,[ inaudible] even Ambien that work on your define of neuro transmitters in your brain called GABA that basically soothes your brain down. That can be very effective in treating anxiety, but very dangerous too in terms of it’s addictive potential and the tendency to sort habit and dependency.

For depression, there have been different waves of drugs. There was the wave of what they called the tricyclic antidepressants. Tricyclic describes the structure of the molecule. These were things like[ inaudible 00:30: 18 ]. Then in the ’8 0s, you had the first, what’s called the SSRI, Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors. The first one and most famous one is Prozac. But these days you got Prozac and Paxil, and Zoloft and[ inaudible] and Lexapro and a whole bunch of others in that category, and related ones too that affect, serotonin and norepinephrine.

Basically, all these drugs work on different sets of neuro transmitters to augment their levels in the brain in ways that we still don’t fully understand how they run, but seemed to have some efficacy in reducing anxiety and reducing depression. I’ve taken a lot of these drugs myself, and some of them seem to work and some of them don’t. Some of them have terrible side effects.

The depressing thing about a lot of this is that, a lot of these doesn’t work. It takes a lot of trial and error. Therapy can be effective, and I would encourage anyone who’s suffering with these things to seek out treatment, because it can be a lifesaver. But it can sometimes takes a few tries to find a therapist that you like, or medication that works. If you look at the long term evidence, genuinely, it’s like a third to a half or something of any treatment works. It’s not always clear why the thing that’s working is working.

That’s why CBT has the best evidence in its favor, and it also has in its favor, since it’s not a drug, it’s not addictive, it’s not dependency forming, and ideally, you can learn the skills from CBT and take them with you through your life, maintain practicing them unlike if you’re on a drug and it runs, what happens if you go off the narcotic? Sometimes you can have withdrawal issues.

Brett McKay: I think you brought up an interesting point that anxiety sounds like it’s something that you’re never going to be cured of it. You’re always going to have to simply manage it for most of your life.

Scott Stossel: I would love to be able to be cured of it. Some of the time with 10% of my brain hope to achieve like complete composure. Not that there won’t be things that scare me or that I worry about legitimately, but it’s not something that besets me. I suppose, some people they get really … The one thing I didn’t mention is mindfulness practice. These days, there’s tons of evidence that various meditation skills and practices and other forms of mindfulness genuinely can help confer the kind of resiliency and soothe that say neuro peptide Y does in these Navy SEALs.

In my therapy, I’ve tried a combination of CBT with trying to do meditation stuff. I think it is, and you’re not cured, you’re always going to have your underlying genetics. If you’re a high reactive person, someone who’s prone to be nervous about things, that’s probably always going to be the case. But you can reduce the amount of it, and as “youre telling”, you can learn to manage it with different sets of abilities for whatever kind of therapy you’re utilizing, or to manage it with medication or to adjust your lifestyle.

Sometimes, if you’re anxious or depressed, that’s your body and your brain telling you something’s not right in your life and you need to build some alters, and sometimes having a better lifestyle. All this obvious cliched stuff that people tell you is true. It’s really important to get sleep. For me, if I’m under sleep, my nervousnes goes through the roof. It’s for me also, and tons of studies support this, regular workout. These are basic things that don’t expensed anything, you don’t need insurance for. But in modern life, it’s sometimes hard to work out regularly, it’s hard to get a good night’s sleep when you’ve got deadlines.

All these things, if you do them all, you can actually minimize the effect that nervousnes has on your life. There’s always “re going to be”, for me, there’s things that erupt that cause my nervousnes to spike. But when I’m doing well, I can both have those spikes be fewer and farther between and also when they happen, manage them better and not have them abruptly spiraling off the railway or over medicating myself. It’s a long winded route of saying yes. If one can learn to manage them and if you could do that, then you can live a fairly fulfilling and rewarding life that’s not the constant sadnes that anxiety can sometimes be.

Brett McKay: Right. I think that’s hopeful. Because there’s a strong genetic component to nervousnes. People who have that problem and they’re listening is like well, crap, I’m hosed. That could be the approach or it could be like well, okay this is the thing, I got to work with it. It’s not great, but I can manage. There’s things I can do.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. I’ve ever talked to my therapist when I was learning about my great grandfather and all the terrible difficulties that he had had, and then multiple hospitalizations. I was thinking, God, he reminds me so much of myself, and I have his genes, and I’m doomed to this. My therapist was like, “First of all, he’s your great grandpa. You have a tiny fraction of his genes. And second of all, there’s medications that we have now that he didn’t have access to that can help you. There’s simply lots of stuff that you can do. Yes, genetics is powerful, but you’re not doomed to your genetic fate. We can learn to cultivate resilience.”

A lot of the therapies that are effective, like I say, behavioral therapy just in general, facing your anxieties. It’s easy for me to say this, and sometimes hard for me to do. But if you have specific phobiums, like anxiety of flying or anxiety of public speaking, the more you do it, the easier it gets. That’s a simple lesson, but it’s true. For me, sometimes those things can be so anxiety produce that I can’t do them, and then I feel like it’s a setback and my nervousnes gets worse. But what my therapist is always telling me, is get up, persist, do it again, and you will get better.

Brett McKay: Right, exposure therapy, I think that-

Scott Stossel: Exposure therapy, exactly. If you have a fear of heights, they’ll take you up on higher and higher houses. Sometimes these therapies sound kind of extreme. If you have severe claustrophobia, there’s actually therapists who will put you in a coffin. You have horrible nervousnes but then you just wait it out and you realize I didn’t die. I’m okay, I can manage it. It was just a really unpleasant emotion.

For people with flying phobia, there are pilots who will take you up. A plenty of airports have programs where you can go and get strolled around the plane by a pilot, explains how the whole thing works, and basically little by little, expose yourself, sit in the plane and then go on a short plane ride. Eventually, hopefully you can be flying to Europe without being completely miserable, as I’ve sometimes been on international flights.

Brett McKay: I think that’s an important point for parents who might have infants who are hyper sensitive or super anxious. Oftentimes, when you’re a mother, you’re like, “Well, I simply don’t want my child to freak out. So, I’ll only avoid the thing that causes them lots of anxiety gets them worked up. Rather, the better approach might be well, just slowly introduce that thing over and over again so they don’t get scared and they’re not scared or it doesn’t worry them anymore.

Scott Stossel: That’s absolutely right. I think that’s really important. What I’m about to say may sound paradoxical, but it’s not. If you think that there’s all kinds of evidence that suggest that if you think your kid might be developing unusual level of nervousnes, it could be a clinical level of nervousnes. The proof says, the earlier you can get help and get them therapy, the better outcome they’ll have, the less likely they’ll be to suffer anxiety ailments as an adult.

Early interventions to keep, but early intervention doesn’t mean sparing them from nervousnes. What virtually any therapist today would tell you is actually, and this is the antidote to helicopter parenting, don’t try to do everything for your kids. Don’t try to spare them the unpleasant experience or the thing that’s stimulating them nervous in particular, if it’s being anxious about going to school. I know how hard that is, both having been a very anxious child and now being a parent who has anxious children, it’s incredibly painful and hard to watch your child suffering and feeling nervous. Everything in my body wants to be, I only want to take him out of that situation so he’s not nervous.

But every therapist I’ve ever seen says, “No , no, you have to let them, within reason, experience the anxiety and learn that they can overcome it and that’s how they develop resilience. Don’t do it for them. That’s how you’ll helicopter your parent, your kid into being a helpless, neurotic 22 year old who can’t construct his own dinner.

Brett McKay: Right. What’s the nation of your nervousnes today? You’ve said you’re do cognitive behavioral therapy, some mindfulness meditation. Are you taking medication?

Scott Stossel: I am. I’m still real bad at the mindfulness. I think it’s one of these catch 22 s that the people who benefit from mindfulness and yoga and that kind of thing, meditation the most are the ones who are worst at it, because my thoughts are always racing, I have a hard time sitting still. But I’m trying that, doing CBT with a really good therapist, and that’s helped doing exposure therapy, which is really unpleasant. But I suppose does help, and then yeah, I am currently on Lexapro, which is one of these SSRI medications.

Then I take a medication called gabapentin, which was originally an anti-seizure medication, and a drug for pain, but has shown some effectiveness in treating anxiety. And then, I used to take a lot of benzodiazepines. I’ve now tried not to. They work incredibly well for me. For me, that was always my magic bullet. I knew I could always survive if could have access to enough Xanax.

The problem is it ran a little too well. The peril is, I started to become too dependent on it. The more of it you take, the more you need to take in order to get the same effect, and it can be very dangerous. People become dependent on it. I’m trying not to use that now. It was pretty widely prescribed by both psychiatrists and just-

Brett McKay: Just family doctors.

Scott Stossel: Just family doctors because it is so effective. But there’s also a pretty big school of thought out there that’s like, they truly shouldn’t be prescribing it so widely because it can be, in certain people, very addictive and dependency forming.

Brett McKay: I imagine, in all you’re doing things like getting enough sleep, exercising, managing stress, reducing that when you can, et cetera.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. I don’t know why, but for me, getting regular exert it’s like night and day. My wife can even tell if at the end of the day I’m on the phone, she’ll be like, “Why don’t you go work out.” I’m like, “Why? ” She’s like, “I can just tell in your voice that you haven’t.” It’s like my personality changes somehow. You don’t always feel like working out, there are some people who simply don’t exercise at all. But for me, forcing myself to work out even when I don’t keep feeling it, is just so good for my state of mind and good for my physical health as well. That’s true for just about everyone.

Brett McKay: Right. I imagine, that there’s someone’s listening to this podcast, they’re struggling with anxiety, best advice, go get help, go talk to somebody. There’s things you can do to help manage it. You have a flourishing productive life. Like yourself, like you said, you’ve fought with this your entire life, but you have a good career, and you’re doing a lot of great things.

Scott Stossel: Yeah. There are a lot of ways you can get help. I’m forgetting what it stands for. But NAMI, is like the National Alliance of Mental Health Initiative, or something like that, can help you find even if you don’t have insurance, can help you find access to individual therapy or group therapy or only resources in your region. If you have anxiety in particular, there’s individual organizations , nonprofit organization called the Anxiety and Depression Association of American, the ADAA. If you go on their website, they have a list of therapists in your area.

You can always just go to your primary care physician and they can help refer you. Any city that has a university will often have an anxiety disorder clinic. There’s lots of help available out there.

Brett McKay: Scott, is there some place people go to learn more about your work?

Scott Stossel: You can go to my website. I’m embarrassed, I’m blanking on now with-

Brett McKay: Is it scottstossel.com?

Scott Stossel: It’s scottstossel.com. Yes, thank you. I never go to it.

Brett McKay: Right. Well, hey, Scott, this has been a great conversation. Thanks so much for your time.

Scott Stossel: Thanks, man. I really appreciate it.

Brett McKay: My guess today was Scott Stossel. He’s the author of the book, My Age of Anxiety. It’s available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere. You can also check at our depict notes at aom.is/ ageofanxiety. Where you can find links to resources, where you can delve deeper into this topic.

Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM Podcast. Check out our website at artofmanliness.com, where you can see our podcast archives. We’re coming up on 500 episodes here pretty soon. You should insure them all there. While you’re there, check at our articles we’ve written, got a couple of thousand there just about anything; depression, how to manage that. Personal finances, how to be a better husband, better parent. Check it out, and if you haven’t done so already, please give us a review on iTunes or Stitcher. Just takes one minute, it helps us out a lot. If you’ve done that already, please consider sharing this indicate with a friend or family member you think would get something out of it.

As always thank you for the continued support. Until next time, this is Brett McKay reminding you not only to listen to the AOM Podcast, but set what you’ve hear into action.

The post Podcast # 497: The Meaning, Manifestations, and Treatments for Anxiety seemed first on The Art of Manliness.