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thestarkerisobvious · 3 years

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Samhain

amazing art, and concept, by the incredible @mrstarksbaby

WARNING - OUR FIRST NC-17 OFFERING IN THIS SERIES

Enjoy

Samhain

Tony knew there would be trouble when they had returned from Mabon and, within half an hour of entering the penthouse, he had caught Peter sobbing over his phone. His to-do list for the next Monday had grown exponentially and the boy was blaming himself. “Why was I so naive to think they would ever give me a chance to catch up? Why did I ever think a 3-day weekend wouldn’t just get me further behind? Why was I so stupid?” It was a familiar line of reasoning ever since Peter has started

graduate school, and it left Tony perplexed and baffled.

Perplexed, baffled, and helpless.

His entire life, Tony Stark had been surrounded by men whose anger exploded outward, who blamed others. He didn’t know there was any other way to be angry. But Peter was different. Peter exploded inward, blaming himself. And Tony was helpless to do anything about it.

And, really, what else could Tony do? He could provide laundry and meal service, could make sure Peter always had a ride to and from wherever he needed to go. But that wasn’t much help - those were things Tony was providing anyway, had been providing since he had finally convinced his lover to move in together. He couldn’t do anything else but watch.

Watch, and try very hard not to advise. Peter didn’t like it when Tony advised.

But really, what advice could Tony even give? That was the trouble with their May-December romance (although Tony insisted it was a May-October romance, he wasn’t that old.) They had both faced their 20’s on two different planets. When Tony was Peter’s age he coped with drugs and alcohol, just like the rest of his peers and everyone on TV. Drugs, alcohol and anonymous sex. Two of which Peter would never touch and the third - well that just gave Tony nightmares…

(But that was the real problem, wasn’t it? In Peter’s new world, a world of new challenges, new names and new faces and new time-demands left Tony in the dark, sometimes in the cold.)

The days after Mabon became a steady challenge, leaving Tony feeling less useful than ever before. There simply wasn’t enough sex to comfort his boyfriend now, to erase the doubts that were blossoming in the mind of the young genius who had never doubted himself before. But those were the milestones that every 20-something kid had to face and, in the end, Tony was no help at all.

But Samhain Was Here and no matter how busy the schedule, his witch couldn’t miss a High Holy Day. So here they were on their way out of town. Driving in silence since that last blow up (another tense argument. Over nothing, as always.) Now Peter was giving him the cold shoulder. There was nothing Tony could do but drive.

When they arrived at the cabin it was already drizzling. Tony asked, as cautiously as possible, if Peter had any High Holy plans.

“Maybe just light some intention candles,” he mumbled, reaching for his bag. Which meant Tony wasn’t even carrying his bag in.

Just one more way that Peter didn’t need him.

Just like that graduate degree that Peter was paying for himself (“It’s what Uncle Ben wanted, it was what the money was for, he wanted it that way!”) Add that to the list of One More Thing Peter Could Do For Himself.

To add insult to injury, Peter didn’t even have a special recipe for Tony to prepare for dinner. That, somehow, stung the most. More than once Tony offered to wing it - after reading Cunningham’s Book of Magical Herbs from cover to cover he had bought every spice and herb listed in the book so he was ready for all occasions. Their battered copy of Cunningham’s Book sat right there in the pantry for convenience. Tony could whip up a pasta or rice dish for any occasion and a corresponding omelet for breakfast to boot.

But Peter had grabbed some microwave meals at the last convenience store they hit before heading to the cabin. Peter didn’t need him to cook.

Which meant Tony would be pretty much useless for the rest of the weekend.

The sun was setting when they arrived, but the cloud cover meant there was no sunset to view. Cloud cover meant there was no moon or constellations to view either, which would just put Peter in a darker mood. But then his witch said something offhand that made Tony’s ears perk up.

“Just a few intention candles, and I’ll put some rocks out on the porch facing west. Then the 5-fold kiss and I’m going straight to bed.”

Tony smiled ruefully. At least he would be good for something tonight.

His witch couldn’t exactly kiss himself.

* * *

They somehow even managed to get into an argument about whether they were doing this in front of the fireplace or in the bed, and how that argument even started Tony couldn’t hardly fathom. He had been so careful not to say anything, not to make any definitive statements or make any suggestions. He was very careful to only ask questions (and that only when necessary.) And yet here they were yelling “Fine!” “Fine!” at each other and stomping off to various parts of the cabin to get what they needed for the most intimate ritual of the evening.

Tony found himself storming off to the bedroom with a clenched jaw. But that was better. Keeping his mouth shut meant that he wasn’t talking. Talking always seemed to get him into trouble.

He returned to the fireplace room with the sheet he found his witch already laying down on the scratchy rug, his tense, angry body covered in the gentle silky wine-colored negligee that Tony had been the present from Mabon. Tony was glad to see his witch wearing it, even if his heart sank to see his lover lying down instead of standing up.

The last time they had been at the cabin, Peter had finished his rituals full of vim and vigor, which had led to an amazing night in front of the fireplace. When it came time for the five-fold kiss, he had stayed on his feet. Stayed on his feet, ordering Tony to his knees to supply the first two kisses.

Tony had gone gladly. Gladly bowed his head to kiss and caress Peter’s feet, then his knees, as his grinning witch murmured the ritual words.

Words that dried up in Peter’s smiling mouth when Tony pressed the kiss softly onto Peter’s silk-covered cock. Even the smile disappeared, Tony remembered, when Tony, using only his mouth, had teased Peter rock-hard through the tiny slip of silk panties.

Tony hoped that this was a sign of more good things to come. Since they had started dating Peter had become, naturally, more confident in bed. More willing to give up the romantic for the more adventurous (ie the more kinky. More of the things that Tony had asked for.)

Things like ordering Tony to his knees, things like standing up when the oral sex began. Things like allowing Tony to fully define the term “Cock Worship.”

But that had just been a moment in time, it would seem. From now on the five-fold kiss would involve Peter lying down, just as it always had. That last ritual, that had just been a special occasion. The very first time that Tony’s younger, shyer lover had allowed Tony to engage in this particular sex-act. Tony’s favorite sex-act (ie, oral sex that was less tender and more agressive, with Tony on his knees and Peter’s hands tangled in his hair. There was a crude word for that, but Peter didn’t like to hear those words in bed.)

And, it would seem, the last.

That had been a special night, a night when his young witch, filled with confidence after his midnight ritual, had discovered that he could do all the things that Tony had been suggesting, had been hinting at (had sometimes begged for.) Could take Tony’s head by the hair and move him into position, could use his mouth… and use it vigorously… until he came…

It had only been a moment in time. There would not be a repeat of that night again. It was obvious when Tony walked into the room and found Peter lying on the floor, in his usual position.

Tony tried not to be disappointed.

At least Peter was here at all.

* * *

He said nothing. Silently he tossed the wine sheet aside by the door. He took his place at Peter’s feet and knelt.

He wanted to apologize before he began, but there was no real way to do that. Words just got him into trouble, so he didn’t try. But before he placed the kiss on the two bare feet he began to knead them, massaging them instead of apologizing. He tried to let his hands do the talking, saying what he couldn’t really say.

And so, silently, he apologized. Apologized for being so old, for being so needy. As he caressed and kneaded, digging his fingers gently but firmly he knew he had much more to apologize for. For being him. Unuseful. Uneeded. For the part where he hadn’t warned Peter. Hadn't warned him that this was inevitable. That Peter would go on to do new things, face new challenges, become a new person, and more importantly MEET NEW PEOPLE and realize that it was time to move on – peter as moving forward, which he was supposed to do at his age – and Tony is standing still – which he is supposed to do at his age, and this May-October romance may be coming to its logical conclusion.

It’s foreordained conclusion.

It hurt, but the truth hurt sometimes.

Tony lifted Peter’s foot and pressed it to his mouth, kissing the instep.

Peter’s breath caught.

Tony looked up, blinking. He hadn’t even thought about it - had just kissed instinctually. Kissed the boy that he was hurting… kissed the boy that hurt. And now that same boy was lying in front of him, eyes closed, mouth hanging open…

Tony leaned down and kissed the instep again.

* * *

What happened next happened very naturally. Although it had been years, decades really since Tony had enjoyed a lover who let him play with his feet… well… enjoying it again was a rare treat.

His hands continuously working, Tony kissed and nuzzled and teased with his tongue, his teeth. Peter enjoyed the treatment with his eyes closed, moaning softly, right up until his big toe went entirely into Tony’s mouth. He jerked a little, but Tony only smiled. Gently he put that foot down and picked up the second, and started the treatment again. There were words Peter was supposed to say at this point, but the room was silent. There was no noise except the crackling fire. The fire, and Peter’s tiny whimpers.

Tony slipped his tongue between each toe, holding Peter’s foot steady as he shivered, teasing the tip of each toe with his teeth. A plan was forming in his mind… a plan that involved doing the same thing to Peter’s knees… first the massage, then the tongue and teeth…

… but that wasn’t going to happen. Tony sighed in disappointment as Peter pulled his foot, gently, away.

“No… I didn’t say stop…” Peter whispered, pushing his foot back into Tony’s hand.

Tony looked down at him in confusion.

“Do it again,” Peter said in a tiny voice.

Confused, Tony began massaging again. It was only when he leaned down to kiss Peter’s big toe that Tony understood.

Keeping his mouth close to Peter’s foot, he followed as the boy pulled him closer.

His acrobat spent no effort at all, bringing his foot until it was hovering right above his cock, visibly straining under two layers of fabric. Then the foot went away and Tony lowered his head with a moan to place kisses on what he found there.

Breathing in deeply, anchored in Peter’s scent, Tony relaxed completely, his worries melting away. He moaned in appreciation as Peter lifted up the skirt of the negligee. Beneath it, Peter’s erection poked out from the silk and lace. Tony teased the tip with a wicked tongue…

…then reminded himself to be a good boy, and kissed his way back down to the base. The 3rd ritual kiss of the night (apparently they had skipped the knee-kisses but who was Tony to complain?? Peter was in charge here) was not supposed to turn into a different type of sex-act. Peter was adamant. Oral sex could happen after. That was the rule.

Not that they always followed that rule.

And apparently they weren’t following that rule tonight.

It was particularly apparent when Tony found himself, with no idea how he got there, with Peter’s legs wrapped around his shoulder and not ONE but TWO of Peter’s insistent hands tangled in his hair. And then… ah gods and then…

…from the very beginning of their relationship, Tony had begged for this. Begged for Peter to use his mouth this way, to be more, well, enthusiastic during this particular sex-act. To be more demanding. It was something his young, gentle lover had always blanched at, up until now. Until tonight. Tonight, Tony was getting everything he had suggested, had hinted at, had provided a few video clips as descriptors (that was what his gentle lover had blanched at.) Tonight, Tony was getting his wish.

It was a truly holy night after all.

He was hoping that Peter would come in his mouth, of course. But he couldn’t exactly argue when Peter pulled away and flipped him onto his back (after all, his lover was quite a bit stronger than he was.) He tried to argue a bit when Peter straddled him, but before he could even catch his breath to speak he found his lover already prepped himself during their short time apart. He opened his mouth to comment, only to fall silent when Peter began riding him with a will.

“Our first angry-sex,” Tony’s belegured brain informed him, and it was true (certainly this wasn’t makeup sex.) Peter had thigh muscles that just wouldn’t quit, and seemed, once again, to prove it. Tony himself wasn’t a young man - but tonight he had a few things to prove as well. He’d been sore in the morning, but right now? He was prepared to give as good as he got.

* * *

They held each other in the afterglow, talking quietly. Trading ‘I love you’s.’ Trading apologies. Holding each other close.

Then, when Peter had turned around and snuggled against Tony’s chest, they watched the fire together.

And Tony spoke.

He spoke about young men who needed to spread their wings and fly out on their own, and about the older men who just needed to be needed. And he spoke of the specific type of brains that never stopped moving who found every puzzle presented in highschool to be simple to the point of boring. He spoke about the panic the first time that brain faced a puzzle that it had solved wrong. He spoke of impossible expectations that might come from demanding parental figures, or might just come from the demanding voice inside a head. Both were voices that could never be pleased. Both were voices that could never be satisfied.

They spoke long into the night. There were tears and whispered confessions and repeated assurances and more declarations of solidarity.

Finally, as the fire died down, there were actual plans made. Plans that involved more realistic goals. Plans that involved longer timelines, and less ambitious courseloads. It was only in the wee hours of the morning that Peter fell silent, turning around and snuggling in to sleep.

But Tony lay awake for a long time afterward. Holding his boy close, harboring a little hope for the future.

Believing, a little, in magic.

#Samhain #Peter Parker/Tony Stark #Starker #TheWitchwayWritesStuff #TheWitchway writes stuff #Ben's Moodboards - tease - wait till you see the real thing #Starker Sabbats #Witch!Peter #Peter Feels #Tony Feels #ITS DONE FINALLY

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jeannereames · 3 years

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This is probably a very stupid question, but how did the Ancient Greeks measure time (in terms of years and months) ? What was their calendar like? What year would Alexander have viewed himself to be living in?

I love these sorts of daily-life details, so I may have got a little carried away…. Before I get into the weeds, however, I want to make everyone aware of a reference resource:

E. J. Bickerman, Chronology of the Ancient World. Thames & Hudson, 1968.

Yeah, it’s old now, but Bickerman spent most of his career on dating puzzles, and I don’t think there’s anything recent to match it. When I first was told about it years ago in my historiography class, I practically bounced off the walls. (My fellow grad students thought I’d lost my mind.)

I’m not sure of the best way to address this query—topically or geographically—but I’ll go with topically. I’ll also say upfront that I’m unfamiliar with Egypt, so they’re not much mentioned. Also, if you want more details on any particular system (Roman, Athenian, Babylonian, Jewish), there are plenty of online resources.

Long-count Calendar

How to number years across a span? Regnal years was most common in antiquity: year 1, year 2, year 3 of ___ king. Also, king lists detailed how long ___ ruled. The Ancient Near East (ANE) excelled at chronologies; we have some that go back to Sumer. That’s pre-Bronze Age. The span of some reigns can be deeply problematic (e.g., mythical), but we have the lists. Fun note, Neo-Assyrians named years by its major military campaign. Tells us a lot about them, no?

What about places without kings? Greece, Rome, Carthage?

The Greeks had several systems, internal and panhellenic. Internal systems often dated by the name of a prominent city magistrate. In Athens, that was the eponymous archon, in Sparta, the eponymous ephor, etc. The panhellenic system used Olympic years. In Dancing with the Lion, if you look at date plates before sections, that’s what I used. It’s a 4-year system, so, “In the year of the 97th Olympiad,” “In the first year of the 97th Olympiad,” “In the second year…,” and “In the third year…,” then we’re to “In the year of the 98th Olympiad…” In modern annotation it’s Ol. 97.1, Ol. 97.2, Ol. 97.3, Ol. 97.4. From (our year) 776 BCE down into the Roman Imperial era, the Olympics made useful anchor dating for the eastern Mediterranean (Magna Graecia).

Rome had its own system: two in fact. It counted years by both consuls, but also AUC = ab urba condita … “from the founding of the city.” Carthage used a similar system involving their two senior Judges for their senate.

When it came to “world histories,” authors such as Diodoros Siculus used several systems: Olympiad, Athenian archon, and Roman consuls. It gets a bit unwieldy, but is about as universal as we have for the Med until Christianity took over everything.

Yearly Calendars

Much of the ancient world used lunar (354 days), not solar (356 days) calendars. Yes, they knew a lunar year didn’t line up with the solar, and they used “intercalation” to fix it, avoiding summer festivals being celebrated in winter. Either a 13th month was needed every 3 years, or they added a few days to months here and there, making a “lunisolar” calendar. We have an intercalated day in our own calendar: Feb. 29th in Leap Year. To fix a calendar, however, an “anchor” is needed. This anchor is usually a solstice or equinox, which may (or may not) correspond to their New Year.

Our modern (Western) world places New Year’s in the dead of winter. But many pre-modern calendars put it in spring. Makes sense: life renews, it’s a new year. The Babylonian New Year was decided by the spring equinox—first new moon after—which pattern affected most of the ANE.

The Hebrew New Year (Rosh Hashana) is in autumn, but their first month (Nisan) is in spring. (They also have a New Year for Trees! Tú bish'vat. How cool is that?) Wanna know when your Jewish friends are having a holiday? Use Hebcal, the gold standard.

MANY ancient cultures have more than one calendar running at a time. So do we. Working in the uni, I have the “normal” year, but also the “academic” year to keep up with.

Despite the dominance of certain early systems like Babylon, counting the new year was specific to a region and people, and their religious traditions. No single Greek new year tradition existed. Both Delos and Athens used the first new moon after the summer equinox: early July. The Macedonian calendar seems to as well, so Alexander was born in the first month of the year. Other city states were different. I’ve forgotten most but do remember Sparta’s is in autumn because their new year almost falls on my birthday.

Remember, although we today talk about “ancient Greece” as if it were a country—it wasn’t. There was a landmass called Hellas, but each city-state was independent, and had its own laws, gov’t, coinage, and religious cult. Too often “Greek” winds up being conflated with “Athenian,” because we happen to have the most evidence from ancient Athens. But both Athens and Sparta were weirdos. Corinth, Thebes, Argos, Mytilene, Cos, Eretria, Miletus…all were a lot more typically Greek in their gov’t systems, etc. There were also 3 (or 4) different branches of Greek: Ionic-Attic, Doric, and Aeolic. When we talk about reading the “ancient Greek” language today, most people mean Attic Greek, or even Koine Greek (Hellenistic era common Greek).

That means every city-state had its own calendar, connected to its own festivals.

In fact, most city-states had several: sacred, civic, etc. Athens had a 12-month lunar calendar for festivals, but a 10-month civic calendar corresponding to the 10 tribes for Assembly business. Originally, they had only 4 tribes, not 10, so political changes meant calendar changes.

In each city-state, month names were derived from the major festival for that month. We have the complete month names for only a few: Athens is one and (fortunately for me) Macedon is another (specifically Ptolemaic, but it’s likely the same as the Argead). Below “Ancient Greek Month” REALLY means “Athenian month,” which annoys the hell out of those of us who don’t consider Athens the be-all and end-all of Greek history!

Because their months were lunar, they bisect our months, e.g., July/Aug = Athenian Hekatombian or Macedonian Loos [Alexander’s birthmonth], Jan/Feb = Athenian Gamelion or Macedonian Peritios [probably the month that gave Alexander’s favorite hound his name: Peritos]. Likewise, as the Athenian new year began in midsummer, dating ancient events also bisects. You’ll see 342/1 to designate the year from July of 342 BCE to June of 341.

As mentioned, most places used lunar months as the most basic time-keeping, but the moon isn’t the only way to make a “month.” Rome originally had 10 months of 30/31 days, adding 2 later, which is why our 12 months have Romanesque names.

Just remember: NO UNIVERSAL SYSTEM for months.

What About Weeks?

A seven-day week is borrowed from the Jews via Christianity. Both Jews and Egyptians had a dedicated day of rest. (For Egypt, the 10th day.) In most places, however, days off were festival related. Every month had festivals, which might last from half a day to several days in a row. You worked…took off for a festival…then you worked. No regular day of rest. (For the modern weekend? Thank unions and the Labor Movement!)

How did others subdivide a month? Athenian months were c. 30 days, divided into 10s: 1-10, 11-20, 10-1. Yup, the last is backwards. But dating also counted waxing and waning moons. So the new moon began a month, the 7th of the month would be the 7th waxing moon, the 24th the 6th waning moon. This is the Athenian system. Other city-states are less clear, but probably similar.

Romans had kalens (1st), nones (7th), and ides (15th). Nundinae (market days) means 9th, but were really the 8th day. The 7-day week is late Imperial and, again, owes to Christian take-over of Jewish weeks.

Most systems had “auspicious” and “inauspicious” days for religious activities, civic activities, and business activities. Don’t start anything on an inauspicious day! (These were manipulated, especially in Rome, but that’s a whole different discussion.) The closest modern equivalent I can think of is Mercury Retrograde. 😊 Although in modern Greece, signing a contract on a Tuesday morning is bad juju, or May 29th. Constantinople fell on a Tuesday morning May 29th, 1453. We might, in America, consider 9/11. Who wants to open a business on 9/11?

The Horai (The Hours)

When did the day begin? Again, the ANE and Med are different. In the ANE, day typically began at sunset. So yes, that’s why the Jewish shabbat starts at sunset on Friday and lasts till sunset on Saturday. (If you didn’t know, the Jewish “day of rest” isn’t Sunday, but Saturday.)

For Greece and Rome, et al., day began at dawn. Each day was then evenly divided between day and night, so there was no standard length of an hour. It depended on the time of year. Each half had twelve hours, subdivided into 4 groups of triads. Originally in Greece it seems there were only 9, not twelve, but they increased to match the lunar months. The division of 4 groups of triads also yielded the 4 seasons of 3 months each. Hora was initially a season, not an hour.

In any case, dawn was always the first hour, noon the 6th, sunset the 12th. Same deal for night (twilight, midnight, pre-dawn).

This is great for military and civic purposes, but most people tended to refer to daytime divisions more generally: dawn, midday, etc. And there was nothing like minutes or seconds. That’s totally modern. Closest, they might come would be to count “breaths.”

The gnomon (sundial) was the chief way to measure hours, as it matched longer or shorter days. But it’s kinda hard to use a sundial at night, or on a cloudy day, or inside. Night hours were approximate.

The water clock (klepsudra) was first popularized in Greece in courts and the Assembly (to time speeches), but spread to other use, for inside or on shady days. Yet water clocks are unwieldy to carry around.

The Romans did have portable sundials (below), but again…needs the SUN. Btw, I should add that sundials aren’t only a Greco-Roman thing. The Chinese had them too. By contrast, the sand-clock or hourglass is a medieval invention. Won’t find them in the ancient world.

#time-keeping #calendars #time in the ancient world #months in the ancient world #ancient Greece #ancient Rome #ancient near east #Jewish calendars #sundials #the Horae #The Hours #Classics #ancient history #ancient Mediterranean history #asks

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firstdegreefangirl · 3 years

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OK, I have no idea what happened to it ((my guess is that the blue hellsite decided it was snacktime and ate the thing)), but ages ago, @kitkat0723 sent me an ask prompting the following:

May I pleaseeeeee request #11 back hugs and #15 The biggest warmest hugs

This is my fill for that, in this text post, because Tumblr disappeared the ask when I tried to save it in my drafts. Who knows? Anyway, it got much longer than intended, but I'm chalking that up to that it's technically two prompts, one fic. Heads up, there’s some frustratedDad!Eddie in here. Everything is all good by the end, and it’s nothing too severe, but if that’s not your kinda thing, no hard feelings. Other than that, enjoy!

Eddie’s staring at his hands, wrapped so tightly around the edge of the kitchen counter that he can see his knuckles turning white. His back is strained, muscles pulled taut against the effort it takes to support his head right now. When he flexes his fingers, it’s like he can feel the bones scraping together, hear the grinding echoing in his head.

It’s like a garbage disposal, sucking his thoughts down into its spinning blades. Except that the thoughts don’t go anywhere, and he’s still stuck thinking them.

He’s the worst dad in the world, and his kid doesn’t even have a mom to go running toward.

He can’t believe himself, yelling at Chris, sending him to his room without dessert just because he copped an attitude about his math homework.

(Actually, he did that because Chris kept rolling his eyes and calling his teacher a ‘stupid jerkface.’ Eddie met her at conferences; he might not be wrong, but that doesn’t mean it’s OK to say it out loud. Especially when Eddie told him more than once to stop.)

But it’s been a long day, for both of them. Eddie’s coming fresh off of an 18-hour shift, and apparently Chris had a pop quiz in social studies he wasn’t prepared for. So tensions were already running high before Buck cleared the pizza boxes away, turning the kitchen table into a makeshift classroom. (And honestly, what would any of them do without Buck, swooping in with delivery dinner to take at least one thing off of Eddie’s to-do list?)

Then Eddie had spent 45 minutes trying to remember how to divide fractions. Every time he’d tried to suggest something – anything at all, from “let’s look in your textbook” to “I think you flip one of them upside down – he'd been met with a long-suffering sigh and an eye-roll that would make Anderson Cooper proud.

“Why do I have to do this anyway? Math is stupid, and my teacher is stupid, and I’m stupid, and all of it’s stupid!” Chris would shout, or some variation thereof.

And eventually, Eddie had had enough. Enough of trying to rationalize through it. Enough of Buck looking at him helplessly and shrugging his shoulders because he’s no more useful with fractions than Eddie is. Enough of Chris’ high-pitched whine, the way he flopped back in his chair and groaned. Enough reminding him to use his words, that he’s a smart kid, that they’ll get through this together.

Enough of all of it.

“Fine, you don’t want to do your homework? That’s fine!” Eddie had shouted, pushing his chair back from the table with enough force to wobble it onto two legs. “But if you’re not going to work on this, then you can go put your pajamas on and brush your teeth. No TV and no ice cream until your worksheets are done, I don’t care how long it’s going to take. I’m not doing this with you all night, go to your room!”

Chris had stared at him, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock, before thinking better of it and running off. The sound of his crutches echoing was enough to shake Eddie from his stupor, but when he’d looked at Buck, who was already looking back, concern etched across his face, he’d snapped again.

“I can’t sit there all night and watch him stare at a piece of paper. I don’t want to hear it from you either, OK? Just …” Buck’s eyebrows had pushed closer together, and the anger bled out of Eddie again. His voice cracked as he continued. “Just give me a minute, OK? Please?”

Then he’d pushed past Buck to go stare out the kitchen window, before he could say anything else to hurt someone he loves.

Which brought him to now, clinging to the countertop like the world might swallow him whole if he lets go. Honestly, he’d probably deserve it, for raising his voice at his son and at his boyfriend, all in one breath.

He exhales shakily, screwing his eyes shut against the tears that are threatening to burn hot, salty tracks down his face.

He’s the worst dad in the world, and he sent his kid to his room, and Buck probably left too, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

But he can’t give in to the anger, can’t let it take over the definition of his day. He remembers Frank saying something about that, how it’s maybe not a bad day, just a bad moment that he’s milking all day. And he doesn’t want to do that, especially not where Chris is involved. So he takes another deep breath, and a few more after that.

He’s still breathing slowly, counting every second of air in and out of his lungs, when he feels a heavy, sold weight drape across his back.

He relaxes into the contact, knows who it is before Buck can even slide his arms around Eddie’s waist. Buck holds him tightly, crouches down far enough to bury his face in Eddie’s neck, waits patiently for their breathing to even out until they’re sharing the same rhythm.

Buck stands there, holding him tightly and long enough that Eddie doesn't feel like the world is going to beat him anymore. He holds Eddie until he feels strong enough to let go of the counter with one hand and wrap his fingers around Buck’s where they’re pressing into his stomach. His wrist won’t turn far enough to tangle their fingers together, but Buck lets Eddie hold onto his hand, squeezes back as best as he can when Eddie tightens his grip.

And after a long moment, when Eddie finally turns himself around in Buck’s arms, Buck is still there. He’s there for Eddie to cling to, adjusts his grasp so Eddie can get his hands high enough to wrap around Buck’s shoulders and fist in the back of his T-shirt. He’s there for Eddie to bury his face against Buck’s chest and let out one last long, shuddery sigh.

And he’s there when Eddie leans back, just far enough to see Buck’s face when he opens his mouth.

“Buck, I--”

“It's alright, I know, you’ve had a long day. No hard--” Eddie cuts him off, before he can supply the word “feelings.”

“It’s not. It’s not alright. I overreacted, and I lashed out, and I’m sorry.” Eddie sighs and leans his forehead back against Buck’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have … I was out of line. You didn’t deserve that. You haven’t done anything tonight but try to help – and you have helped. I don’t know how I’d have gotten through tonight without you. Even if I screwed up royally.”

“You didn’t ‘screw up royally.’” Buck runs his hand up and down Eddie’s back, a hundred times more gentle than he deserves tonight. “You got frustrated, you snapped a little bit, but you backed off before you went too far. Eddie, babe, it happens. Trust me, from having parents who did screw up in a million different ways, I seriously doubt Chris is going to be talking about this in therapy in 20 years.”

“Oh god, Chris.” Eddie rears back again, dropping his hands to Buck’s sides, but not letting go of him. “I … I yelled at him and took away his dessert. Over math homework.”

“Over his attitude toward math homework.” But Buck’s words fall on deaf ears.

“He called himself stupid, and I yelled at him.”

“Eddie, hey.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s bicep gently until he can bring himself to make eye contact. “He’s doing good. I went back and talked with him, helped him get ready for bed. No progress on the math homework, but he’s jammied, and his teeth are brushed, and last I looked, he was working on the latest Captain Underpants book. He was a little worried that you were upset with him, but we talked, and he knows you had a long day, and he was being difficult and --”

“He’s not a difficult kid.” He’s not, truly, and Eddie had long ago promised himself that he’d never make Chris feel like he is.

“Maybe not, but even good kids have their moments. He knows that it’s not his fault, and that we both still love him very much. And you know what?” Eddie hums, but doesn’t say anything. “He asked me to come see if you were OK. ‘Dad must have had a really bad day,’ he said. ‘I think he might need some help with it, but I should stay in here, so I don’t get in trouble again.’”

Eddie sniffles, tears in his eyes for an entirely new reason now. Even after all of the mistakes he’s made – not just tonight, but especially now – he's still got such a sweet kid, with so much empathy, and the biggest heart of anyone he’s ever met. How many 11-year-olds would get yelled at and immediately want to make sure their dads are OK?

He doesn’t know for sure, but he’s willing to be that the number isn’t large.

“I should go talk to him,” Eddie sighs, finally stepping back far enough that he has to let go of Buck.

“I think he’d like that. Want some support?”

Eddie thinks for a moment, then nods. He doesn't know how he’d have gotten through this much of tonight without Buck, and he really doesn’t want to do the next part by himself either. He leads the way down the hall, but Buck catches his hand along the way. This time, their fingers fit together perfectly.

He stops at the doorway to Chris’ room, takes a second to look at his son, lying on top of the covers with his knees bent up to balance his book. He’s completely oblivious to the audience until Eddie knocks gently on the doorframe.

“Hey, Chris,” he starts, then realizes he doesn’t know where the sentence was meant to be going.

“Dad!” Chris sits up and grins. He grins, and Eddie’s heart swells. “Buck said you had a bad day. Do you need a hug?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nods, stepping forward until he can sit on the edge of the mattress. “Yeah, I think I do.”

The next thing he knows, Chris is all but launching himself at Eddie’s lap. He flings his arms around his dad’s neck and holds on tight. By the time he’s done squirming, he’s situated himself on top of Eddie’s thighs, chin tucked underneath his head.

He’s almost too big to be held like this, but it doesn’t matter to either of them as Eddie hugs him right back. One hand lands on Chris’ head, ruffles through the thick curls for a moment before gently tugging him back by the shoulder.

“Hey, you know how I always talk about setting a good example for the people around you?” Chris nods hesitantly, like he’s not sure where the conversation is going. But Eddie does, and he knows that everything is going to be OK. He takes a deep breath and continues.

“Well, I need to do that too. And tonight, that means that I owe you an apology.”

#katie writes #kw21 #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #christopher diaz #911 #911 fox #9-1-1 #9-1-1 fox #911 fanfic #buddie fanfic #katie answers #prompt fill #kitkat0723 #my franns

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thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness · 4 years

Text

TOSHIYA PERSONAL INTERVIEW SPECIAL HEADBANG VOL.27 TRANSLATION 2/2

The upcoming new chapter of the bassist who established himself while evolving his playing style in the middle of fierce battles he experienced overseas. “When it comes to digital releases, it just feels like data” “I don't think there is another album that makes me want to die so much inside while I’m listening to it as this one (laughs).“ “If I have the opportunity to do music out of DIR EN GREY, this is the genre I want to try “ “If there's a world in front of you that you didn't know before, look at it, and if there's something you think that would be even better, you can pick it and bring it home.”

Notes before reading: This is the second part of personal interview of Toshiya from the magazine Headbang Vol.27 released on 18th August. The interview is 11 pages long, this part covers the last 5 and a half. You can read the first part here. You can get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan. Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts.

----- ----

Text by Hiroko Goto (First part here) - Even as the start of a new chapter, I think it will be a great time for those who have been waiting for it. I’m looking forward to the reactions towards the new single.

T: That’s right. Also, this time, it’s the first time we are releasing a single in this way, so I wonder how is going to feel. It’s a little wait-and-see.

-Because Dir en grey have never been available in almost any music streaming services before too. This time, are you releasing the single in this format due to Corona?

T: That’s right. Originally, we tried to put it out as a physical one.

-I see. Do you see this digital release format as something positive?

T: I have no choice but to think positively for the time being (laughs) Because if we release a single, and it’s not going to listened, there is no point on doing it but, after all, as we do it, if there is a way for people to listen to it, I think it should be used. However, to use any method to release it because there is a way to do it, I think that’s different for me. While we were carefully checking those aspects, I think I would like to take into consideration several things. Simply, because I’m a coward (laughs). It’s kind of scary because I feel like the songs are all over and the songs are our best asset. After all, I want to cherish/value them. Of course, I think there are many positive things in distributing them but now that we are doing it, I think we must distinguish between plus and minus sides of it. -Especially for Dir en grey, the package is usually elaborated and you can also feel the sense of commitment/pickiness on it.

T: That’s right. When it comes to digital releases, it just feels like data. So that’s why it’s a matter of the value of the things. The value that you can give it them, or the level that you can take it at. I would like to think about the future as I’m looking at this release.

-After this single, what direction do you want to move towards from now on as a part of Dir en grey?

T: As a band, while constantly incorporating what seems new to us, we want to challenge both, our activities, and songs. Right now, once again, we want to try it with the feeling that Dir en grey can do anything。

-I see. Comparing yourself to the Toshiya from the past, you have a better judgement about what you can do and what you can't, and you want to think about it properly. Each member thinks that way as well, so I think it would be nice if you could absorb each one’s good points and bring it to the band. Nevertheless, as everyone simply has a different age, a different personality, and the environment in which you grew up is different, I think there are different things that each of you want to do. Among them, for me, I don't think it's necessary for each of you to achieve 100% of what each one of you wants to do. Combining several % well, I think you are a band that eventually will reach the 100%. If you can keep that way, there will simply always be an interesting taste and you can keep being an exciting band.

“The first band I came across was Guns N' Roses. It was an encounter that felt like ‘what on Earth is this?”

-From here, I would like to ask you about the 'Inspirational albums' you have selected and approach your personality when it comes to music. Personally, I feel that your musical tastes are less visible than the other four members.

T: Hahaha. I get that a lot (laughs).

-Are you aware about the things that are not appealing to you?

T: I am. I mean, I know what I like, but I don’t know why I like it (laughs) Basically, I like music.

-You chose 20 albums in particular, what was your criteria in order to choose those?

T: I simply chose these ones because I think these might the ones, I was listening to at the time I was more sensitive/impressionable by music.

-There are a lot of works from the 80's and 90's as a whole, Were you listening to these before you got in the band? T: There are also some that are after the formation of the band and I also include some that I was listening to before playing in the band. There are many from the time when the band was formed, and we made our debut.

-The genres are quite wide, it’s firmly pressed line-up to of iconic masterpieces. In what specific areas have you been affected by them?

T: For example, Guns N'Roses 'Appetite for Destruction' (1987), when I was in middle school, I was like ‘What on earth is this?’ when I came across them. It was a time when LA metal (80s metal/glam metal) was popular. Van Hale was also very popular, and Europe's "The Final Countdown" was being played all around. That's how I met Guns, but the first thing I heard was 'Use your Illusion I','II' (1991). Then, I heard there were more amazing (from them) albums before those, so I listened to 'Appetite for Destruction'.

-When you came across Guns N’ Roses, did you think "the band is cool"?

T: It’s a very stupid idea but, it was a time in which music was equal to delinquency, and live houses had the image of being a sink/den of iniquity* (laughs). At first, I was like ‘What is this?’ and then I got interested. Including such an atmosphere, I think it was cool and I had a strong sense of admiration.

*a place where immoral or illegal things are done.

-When you go from there in chronological order, what kind of transition are you going through? In your selection, there are a lot of grunge (albums) too.

T: That’s right. Exactly after that, the wave of grunge came. But if you say which one is the one ruling the movement, for me it’s not Nirvana. When I dug down while listening to that genre, I personally fell in love with Pixies. It was a time in which listening to one artist made us feel more connected. Here and here there would be good friends, here and here there would be people that you don’t get along with. I got worried about that when I listened to them. I went to see Pixies’ performance in Japan a few years ago and it was really good. If I have to say something about that time, at the Pixies live, the lighting goes red through one song and it's just red.I was impressed by the effect of only using that colour in the scene. After that, when we talked about what kind of production we wanted to do on our tour, I said "I went to see Pixies and I said “ I want to do this in the same way because such lighting was interesting" (laughs)

-Is that so?

T: It's a band that's influenced me from that perspective.

“I had a friend who liked thrash metal. He told me that this kind of music existed”

-While there is a trend from hard rock to grunge, on the other hand, there are also metal elements you are interested in such as Metallica's “Master of Puppets” (1986) and Pantera's “Vulgar Display of Power” (1992), which are known as masterpieces. When did this kind of metal music get into your life?

T: When I was in high school. At that time, I had friends who liked Metallica and slash metal such as Pantera and Slayer. I learnt this music existed, and I started listening to it.

-This didn’t come to my mind until now but, in fact, some of them can be called the roots of metal.

T: Yeah, I really liked it. I also liked to listen to the band that guitaris Steve Vai made as a solo band under his name (Vai). When I was in high school, I had a lifetime friend who was shredding his guitar and looked like a bakateru* guitarist (laughs). I had a lot of fun. *Bakateru (A Japanese made-up word from “baka” and “techniques”) is a person who plays an instrument using simple/stupid techniques that made them look like professional players.

-That’s good (laughs) While there are hard rock and metal in your choices, the overall impression is that there are many bands and works with a slightly downer atmosphere.

T: Certainly, I think I like downer style a little (laughs). Stone Temple Pilots has also a part of hard Rock and a strong grunge effect, bit I like the indescribable downer feeling. Then, I chose Alice in Chains for the selection. Alice in Chains is another downer band that I like. When I first heard it, I couldn't understand it at all. I didn't even know what was good about them (laughs) From them, I like Dirt (1992) which I chose this time for the selection.

-By the way, it has the same name as your apparel brand….

T: It has nothing to do with it (laughs). But, as it is an album I like (even if it has the same name) I guess it’s fine.

-And, when it comes to downer works, you listed “OK Computer" (1997), from Radiohead. T:I don't think there is another album that makes me want to die so much inside while I’m listening to it as this one (laughs). When I was in the states with Yoshiki producing the single, I have the impression I listened to it a lot.

-Radiohead also has had several changes through their career, but if you have to choose, is this one?

T: If you ask me which one from Rahiohead I would pick, as expected it’s this one. Maybe I like feeling like dying (laughs)

“If I had the chance to play music elsewhere, I would like to try an industrial band”

-(Laughs). As for genre, you also included industry albums such as Nine Inch Nails and Ministry.

T: I like industrial because I have the strong impression it’s not only about the band sound. For me, it has something, like asking for the impossible. If I have the opportunity to do music out of DIR EN GREY, this is the genre I want to try, an industrial band.

-I definitely want you to try to do it. I can tell you are listening to music with several components but, what are your roots as a bassist?

T: After all, I like Guns's Duff McKagan the most. The one who shocked me like “This…. this is bass!” was Japan’s bassist Mick Karn. I felt like ‘What’s this?’. He had the magical image of a man that lived in Greece (laughs). I also like the bassline of Alice in Chains or Stone Temple Pilots, which I mentioned earlier.

-I see.

T: Also, in terms of bass, Pantera's 'Vulgar Display of Power' was made in a way that the original cd was only vocals, guitar and drums (laughs). But in their 20th Anniversary Edition (Deluxe Edition In 2012) I was happy to be able to hear the bass properly.

-When it comes to types of bassist, rather than someone who slaps the bass, comes to the front, and stands out, many artists (bassist) have the image of keeping the groove.

T: That’s right. Originally, I didn't really like finger playing or slap bassists. My first motivation was Guns, so I had the image of rocking, like holding the base down and playing with a pick. To me slapping had an image of a fusion style.

-In fact, considering your own play style now, I think they are connected.

T: They are. However, there was a moment when my thoughts changed a bit in that aspect. When I went abroad and went together on tour with Deftones and went to festivals, the bassist Chi Cheng looked very cool. KORN was on the same tour, so I was watching Fieldy’s playing as well.

-It was at the "Family Values Tour" in 2006.

T: That’s right. That was the moment in which there was a change of era not only musically but also of my self-consciousness. Of course, I still liked my play style then, and of course I still like it now, but the idea that I can only do that, and I can only do that…. I started to want to see more things (that I could do). Compared to that time, there is a lot of information, isn’t it?

-Indeed.

T: There are a lot of ways and you choose yourself from that huge amount of information, so you can pick only the good things. But at that time, there wasn’t that much information available, so all I knew was from my own experience. It was like that for things, the length of my ruler was fixed. That…. it overlaps with the story of 'Clever Sleazoid' that I mentioned earlier, when I starter to look overseas, I realized that I could clearly see that “this kind of world exists”. I started to think differently about it, hating without trying it. If there's a world in front of you you didn't know before, look at it, and if there's something you think would be even better, you can pick it and bring it home. Looking back at it again, I think my playing style has changed since we made a full-scale expansion overseas and I turned my eyes to overseas.

“Deftones are the band that influenced me the most once I saw them playing live and went on tour together with them”

-From Deftones, you chose White Pony' (2000)

T: I was shocked when I first heard them. As I said, at the time I saw them live and went on tour with them, if I had to say an album that I felt strong about and affected me, it would be this one. I think their latest work at the time of the tour was the 'Deftones' (2003) or 'Saturday Night Wrist' (2006), but when they played the songs of 'White Pony', the audience went crazy. I was very impressed.

-From that perspective, many of the bands you chose have co-starred with DIR EN GREY. Are there other bands that impressed you?

T: We were with Metallica together at overseas festivals, but after watching it live, I thought it was really amazing. Since Pantera stopped before I could see them, it was nice I was able to see Metallica. In that sense, I was very excited to be at the same festival when Faith No More restarted their activities. I originally liked it and thought I couldn't watch it anymore, so I was excited when I realized I could see them live.

-That sounds good.

T: Also, we had been with Alice in Chains in a festival.Then, I heard from the dressing room that the guitarist was playing the guitar all the time. I remember thinking “Ah, I like that guitar” (laughs)

-As expected, you have many stories with the bands you were appearing together.

T: That’s right, that's a good thing (laughs)

-You've appeared together with Tool at OZZFEST JAPAN 2015.

T: That’s right. At that time, Tool was active, so we also have appeared together at overseas. I didn't actually watch the live then. Thankfully, I had the opportunity to watch them from a wing* of the stage later, which was really amazing. It feels like being on a trip. Thinking that way, I think I might like bands that makes me go a bit on a trip.

*The wings are the hidden areas to the left and right of the stage

-Also, since Japanese bands were not going abroad as much as now, that you were actively expanding and constantly playing overseas, looking at it, it seems like a good era.

T: Now, I think we were able to go abroad at a really good moment, so it was really a good era. I think it's normal for nowadays bands to go abroad but there are bands you can't see live now; at that time, I could see the music scene. It was good that we were able to go there at that moment.

-Tool’s '10,000 Days' (2006) is the newest work you've mentioned. Since then, there has been a big change over time, and now there are more choices such as music streaming services. Has the way of listening to music, or the variety of it, changed?

T: At that time, you couldn't hear a CD unless you bought it. Furthermore, in the old days, you couldn't afford to pay about 3000 yen each time you buy an album. There are many works that I was interested but I couldn't listen to. In that sense, I think it's a good time to listen anything. But at that time, I paid for listening to that one album, and since I bought it, it was nice to listen to it for a long time. When it comes to streaming, it sounds like "something you are playing while doing another thing”. Going back to what I talked about, that's why it's a scary part, and I'm still a little behind the times.

-As you are in the artist creator side, you feel like you want people to face your work firmly.

T: As expected that’s it. Well, it’s the selfishness of a creator (laughs). That’s the truth of these things, to be honest, I think that music and magazines are just for entertainment. Because, if had to think about if I will live or die tomorrow, I think I would pick food, not music or books (laughs). If you think about it in that way, I wonder what really entertainment is.I think that because of the entertainment, it is possible to obtain the richness of a human heart. It has become more difficult than it used to be, to determine what kind of value to add there.

#dir en grey #toshiya #interview #translation #Headbang Vol 27 #toshiyatranslations

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impala1967dwinchester · 4 years

Text

Jensen Ackles: Green Eyes Meet

*Not My GIF*

Paring: Jensen Ackles x Reader

Pov: Jensen Ackles

Rating: Adult Mature

Warnings: Sexy Jensen, Green eyes addiction. Swearing, self-image problems,

Summary: Jensen had never really liked his bright green eyes, but that ended after he met his new personal assistant on the Supernatural Set. Her green eyes grabbing his attention immediately, maybe he did like his green eyes afterall.

Word Count : 1,653

Since I had been a kid I never liked my bright green eyes. Never was teased for them but the constant fawning over by girls in high school was annoying. That feature was like a crooked nose that everyone noticed and wanted to talk about behind your back, and sometimes in front of you, to you.

When I was a senior in high school my girlfriend was only with me because of that one feature, she had paraded me around to her friends, and family. Showing me off like I was a prize possession a toy. Not her boyfriend the boy she “loved”.

It was like my green eye was the only thing that people saw. Not my work, my thoughts, my personalities. Nothing. In college which was a fucking nightmare, there was another girl her name was Dorothy, she was so cute at least 20 years ago she was cute.

Her personality, her style everything about her was adorable. But yet again a failed relationship all because she was only there for my eye, yet again I have paraded around to parties, functions. Made to feel like she really “loved me”.

I again broke up and went through that motion. Finally, after 20 years I was not an adult but I was getting jobs. I did do a few modeling jobs, acting was sprinkled in too. Then what seemed like a big boom of celebration I was cast in the show Supernatural with a lifetime friend now Jared.

Years Later

Casting and building Supernatural was the best time of my life. A show that was dedicated to two brothers trying to save the world. A fan base that was amazing, best friends for the first time that wanted to be my friend because of me and not what I looked like.

Onset we all had our own personal assistant. Misha had an older woman in her late 30s her attitude every day was to make Misha smile and laugh, be in the goofy mood that every day had been presented.

Jared had another young woman late 20s. She was a fan of the show before we really hit off on the CW. She had gotten the job when she wanted to do an internship, and of course, with Jared being his normal passionate loving, caring person he loved her and always brought her to lunch she was more of a friend if Jared then his personal assistant.

I on the other hand had gone through what seemed to have been at least 6 or 7 younger, and older women. I guess you could compare it to prince charming trying to find Cinderella, every single girl had to size every girl had to have the position.

There was Ashley a young girl, she had brown shoulder-length hair, a straight smile, blue eyes, but she was all over the place with very bad ADHD. She simply wasn’t made for a schedule type of job, but I still made sure her reference papers were nicely written more focused on her great skills rather the ones that needed work.

There was Rebecca, she was middle-aged women, her two adorable kids was all she ever talked about but she was tired and could never keep up with the many types of different things we were always doing.

There was Annie. A straightforward mess of a person, she had a very bad RBF always thought I had done something wrong. I was very quick to say “I need a new personal assistant!”

There was Jessica. A sweet 20-year-old girl, a shorty with an attitude, and a very bad temper with everyone expect with me. I knew that would never work, so yet again I had to ask HR to find me a new PA.

There were Mrs.Miller older women in her late 40s. She was organized, and very sweet but she was sadly was only doing this job while her husband was out of a job. So she went which was quite sad, but I again had to ask.

Then there was Y/n. Her personality was all I ever wanted in a PA. She made life so easy, always at my trailer before I was with a coffee in hand for me and herself. An inquiry of what the day was packed with, always had my lines and would chat with me during lunch. She was exactly what I was looking for. Only after 5 years of yearning and wanting someone with the correct skills.

______________________ Jensen A. ___________________________

After another 5 years, Y/n and I had the best friendship I have with anyone since I met Jared and Misha. She so sweet and kind, she’d pick me up drunk from the bar, or go with me to premiers of literally anything. We’d go out to see stupid horror movies or funny romcoms. We were like the best of best friends. We were definitely in the hall of best friends.

The many times I had come to Y/n rescue after douche bag dick heads had fucked her over. Leaving her at dinner by herself, driving her home to watch something, and eat a whole tub of ice cream. I was her rock and she was mine.

I never noticed that she and I had the same colored eyes until about two weeks ago when she had on this bright purple jacket. Her eyes popping with the contrast. She was the most beautiful that day she wore a purple jacket with a black turtleneck with a pair of cargo pants and lace-up boots. Just as beautiful as the first day I had met her and every day after that one.

She smelled of peppermint and roses, her makeup light and cute. The pink hue to her cheeks was so adorable. That day we had a few scenes and then an interview and that was it. I drove her home that night and slept blissfully.

As the weeks went on my need to be closer and always around Y/n grew stronger. We’d sit down for lunch and sit down next to her instead of in front of her. I’d bring her coffee during a rough patch.

But one day I think she started to catch on, she’d stop me every day and hug me, like it was the end of the world.

A knock on my trailer door

“Jensen, do you mind if I come in?” Her voice was timid and tired from a day worth of work.

“Yeah, of course, you can come in Y/n.” I got up and opened the trailer door. Her small built frame came into view. Today I hadn’t seen her but once in the morning and now. She was wearing a blue crop top, black pants, a pair of vans. Again such a beautiful as the first day I saw her.

She came in and sat down in her regular seat. She didn’t have any papers on notebooks with her. She probably just wanted to sit in silence enjoying the time together.

“Jensen, how was your day?” she asked.

“Y/n, my day was perfectly fine. How was yours?” This was odd, a normal conversation. This wasn’t what I was used to with her.

“My day was tuff. Do you mind if she just lay down for a minute was something on the tv? Too many thought going on right now.” Her words shy, it sounded as if she were going to cry.

I wrapped my hand around hers and dragged her towards the back of the trailer, a spot where we would relax after a hard day's work, talk about things, do what we wanted to do which was just sit down and watch something. She plopped down and pulled her shoes off, and sat beside her laying my arm out so she could lay down.

If others were to see us like this they would say that we were a couple. Something that I would love but I knew better, she knew better right?

“Jensen, thank you,” She said after a while. I hummed in response, the clock wrote 9:30 on it. It was late but I had clothes here so if we did end up falling asleep here it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Another hour went by, and Y/n got up. She faced me, sitting crisscrossed. Breathing in deep she began to speak, so I turned off the sound to the tv.

“Jensen, You are the best friend I have ever had. Something I don’t want to ruin with what I’m about to say, I’m going to tell you the truth about how I feel, how I’ve felt for the past five years. It’s hard for me because of course, I don’t know where you are emotional and everything, so here it goes. Jensen, I fell in love with you 5 years ago. I fell in love with your personality, your character, your passion, your love for others, your fans. I love fell in everything about you. This could ruin everything we have but I ho..”

She just looked so beautiful at that moment after so many years of loving her from afar. Jared had seen me fall in love with her, told me to just tell her, I was scared I’d ruin the friendship we had built. So I kissed her, cutting her off mid-sentence.

“I have loved you since the beginning too Y/n. You’re the smartest, most caring person I have met in a long time. You are so beautiful sorry I cut you off but I have been waiting to do that for a long time you know.” I said with my hands still pushed into her sides

She giggled, and leaned her head against mine, and hummed in response. And for the first time I felt like I was living my dream, I was with the person I truly love and that loved me back.

Tag List- @akshi8278

#greeneyes #supernatural fic #supernatural x reader #swearing #yearning #single #jensen ackles #jensen x reader #jensengirl

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chibsytelford · 4 years

Text

Drunk and Sober Confessions

** GIF isn’t mine **

My good friend @rebel-without-cause-x requested: Heeeey me again lol can I get a Chibs x reader, reader has had a massive crush on Chibs for years and at a party she has had far two much whiskey and ends up confessing to Chibs but he brushes it off due to the whiskey, reader wakes up alone and realises she confesses and rings Chibs and basically confesses again. Something along the lines of the song stone cold sober by Brantley Gilbert.

Word Count - 1442.

A/N - lyrics are in bold. Some fluff at the end. Enjoy :)

taglist - @agirllovespasta @everyhowlmarksthedead @naytraydr @rebel-without-cause-x

You met Lyla 3 years ago, when you left your home after a falling out with your parents. You were old enough, and didn’t have to stay at home and be treated like crap. You jumped in your car and headed for a town called Charming. You were drawn to the name instantly when you looked on the map, and a 5 hour drive was just what you needed to clear your head. You arrived in Charming 6 hours later due to taking a wrong turn and getting lost, but an extra hour didn’t hurt. Your first stop was a hotel where you spent the night.

The next morning you woke up early and went to buy some food. You were looking in shop windows and saw some job advertisements that caught your eye. A young blonde woman approached you and asked if you were new, and told you of a job going that pays well as a secretary at a car garage, as she noticed you looking eagerly at the jobs in the window. She introduced herself as Lyla and the rest was history.

You have been working at the car garage called Teller Morrow for 3 years now, and you loved it. You don’t know a thing about cars but that doesn’t matter. You are there to sign people’s cars in and out and that’s it. The guys are all like family now, and even Gemma, who you hated the first couple of months, has grown on you, and is now like your mother.

“Alright darling, how’s it goin?”Chibs asked.

“I’m good Chibs, just finishing up for the day, then I’m off home to do some cleaning, get some dinner and watch some TV”. You tidied up the papers from the desk, shutting them in the drawer for Monday.

“There’s a party tonight, and am hoping am gonna see ye there Y/N”. Chibs spoke to you as you locked up the office.

“Have I ever missed a SAMCRO party in the whole 3 years I’ve been here?” you playfully nudged him.

“Aye that’s true, you’re always the life and soul of these parties, you and whisky do not go well together mind you” he chuckled as he headed back towards the clubhouse. “See ye at 7!”.

You have had a thing for Chibs the moment you saw him. You were a sucker for a pretty face and an accent, so you were drawn to him immediately. And he was such a caring person, and always asked you how you were, and always went out of his way to help you. You didn’t show your interest in him, as you knew what he did with the club. That didn’t bother you, but you didn’t want to burden him with your feelings, and then distract him from his job or whatnot. So you kept it to yourself, well apart from telling Lyla and Gemma. Recently though, you noticed he was hanging around you even more, and taking an interest in your life outside of Teller Morrow.

You headed home to your house to grab some food and get ready. You decided on a knee length black dress, with some white converse to wear. You liked having comfy trainers on your feet when you went out, as you spent most of the time dancing. You recently bought this dress in case you ever got lucky, but that hadn’t happened yet, so you decided to just wear it tonight anyway.

You were now 3 whiskeys in and feeling a bit light headed. You were currently grinding on Lyla as the 2 of you were dancing to your hearts content, enjoying the sound of country music coming through the speakers. Every so often you snuck a peak at the Scotsman, who was sitting at one of the tables with Jax and Happy.

“Are you ever gonna tell him you love him?” Lyla suddenly asked.

You peeled your eyes from Chibs and turned around to look at her.

“Maybe if I get drunk enough” you pulled Lyla towards the bar and ordered 4 shots and another 2 whiskies. Jim Beam was your favourite, the only good thing that came from your father.

The night went on and you had lost count on how many whiskeys you had drunk at this point. You saw Chibs head outside the clubhouse alone for a smoke, and took this as your chance to talk to him. Slightly stumbling, you headed out the door and stumbled over to him. He was leaning on his bike having a smoke.

“How many have ye had lass?” he grinned, finding your stumbling funny.

“I… uhh… have lost count to be honest”. You took the cigarette from his hand and took a draw. “I need to tell you something Chibs” you took a deep breath and looked at him. “I love you, I have loved you since I saw that stupid face of yours 3 years ago”. You took another draw of the cigarette waiting for the man to talk.

“You’re drunk. Let’s get ye hame Y/N” Chibs answered quietly.

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You woke up with a banging headache, still in your dress from the party. You looked at the other side of the bed and saw it was empty. You wondered for a second how you got home safely, but nothing was coming to you. You headed to the bathroom to splash some cold water on your face to help you wake up a bit. After some paracetamol and 2 cups of water you felt slightly more human, and that’s when you remembered how you got home. Chibs brought you here, right after you confessed that you loved him.

I woke up hungover,

But still had to call you,

Cause I just realized boy,

That maybe it was all true.

You have to admit it felt like a massive weight of your shoulders telling him. You decided that you will call him to ask him to come around to talk about last night, and now that you’re sober you will tell him again. It would be more awkward to take it back than just admit it is true.

You grabbed your phone and opened up the contact list and found Chibs’ name.

“Hello?” you heard some rustling on the end of the line.

“Chibs it’s me, can you come round my place, I think we need to talk about last night” you said.

“Aye, a suppose a can, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there” and he hung up.

He arrived 15 minutes later and you met him outside. You handed him a cup of coffee and sat down on the steps outside your house.

Chibs took the coffee but remained quiet, so you took this as your cue to speak.

“Look, I remember what I said last night, and I just want you to know, it’s true, and I didn’t just say it because I was drunk” you put your coffee down and twiddled with your thumbs. “I don’t expect you to say anything, and I know I should have said something sooner, but I didn’t want to come between you and the club, and have you worrying about me when you’re out on runs or whatever, and I also don’t expect you to say it back”.

Chibs stayed quiet for what felt like ages. He finally cleared his throat and spoke. “Lass, I wish ye had said something sooner, the first time a laid eyes on ye I was besotted, a mean why else wid a ask if ye have a boyfriend?” he half smiled. “A didn’t say anything last night, because a figured that you were drunk and ye didny have a clue what ye were saying” he added.

“I don’t need Jim Beam to know I need you here” you said to Chibs. “So, what does this mean now?”

“Well, a think this means we are together darlin’” he took your hand in his and pulled you onto his lap for a kiss. It was slow at first, and you melted into his touch. “I’ve waited ages ti dae that lass” he whispered on your lips. “I want ti finish this, but first, a need ti go and give Jackie boy 20 dollars, we had a bet on about if ye liked me or not, and he obviously won, so I’ll be back soon Y/N, and then we can finish this off”.

With one last kiss the Scotsman drove off on his bike. You phoned Lyla immediately and told her what had happened.

“Now you can put your sexy underwear to use!” she squealed at the other end of the line.

#chibs telford #chibs telford fanfic #chibs x reader #sons of anarchy #soa #samcro #chibs telford imagine

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 3 years

Text

My So Called Rise Against Life

All lyrics written and owned by Rise Against

No band, not even AFI, sings the soundtrack of the last 20 years of my life like Rise Against has. I was dragged to my first Rise Against show by Emily. Emily, the suicide girl, quite possibly the hottest girl in Corpus Christi, barely 5'1 and 98 pounds soaking wet, covered in tattoos and with Angelina Jolie's lips. To this day I cannot imagine why a girl who looked like that wanted to hang with me. I had never been to a gig at that little club called The Underground where the disenfranchised youth of Corpus Christi congregated. This was the very cusp of my punk rock midlife crisis and I went in scared to death because I'd heard concerts of this nature were violent.

At this point I was already considering the decision to become straightedge. I was curious but knew little about it. The sum of my knowledge was this: two of the guys in AFI were, and the guy at the mall was. The memory of this guy never leaves me. Like a stray dog with a tennis ball, catching a welcoming scent on the air, then chasing after a passing stranger who never looked down, I chased after him and each year I spent in that fruitless pursuit felt like seven. His friendship I would never win, but he would remain on the outskirts of my life, like the brass ring I reached for again and again only to fall on my face. I would see him that night too, but I didn't know this when Em invited me out. It was billed as a hardcore show. I had no idea what hardcore was back then, I just assumed it meant a rough crowd of millitant straightedge vegans that would have a sixth sense that I wasn't one of them and chase me out the doors. Rise Against was headlining and an equally unknown band called Avenged Sevenfold was opening. I'd never heard of either. Emily wanted me to go and I wanted to get out of the house for the night so it wasn't that hard for her to twist my arm in the matter. I met her at her apartment which was filth ridden, with drug paraphernalia everywhere, a wall size Misfits poster that took up the entire SIDE of her apartment, and electric guitars propped next to skateboards. As she slipped out of her clothes and into something slinky much to my viewing pleasure, she pointed me to her freezer with a purloined bottle of tropical Schnapps from the liquor store she was working for. Toasting in miniature tea cups I downed the bright blue liquid. I remember it so well, the frost covered bottle, cold in my hand, the electric blueness pouring into what looked like a child's tea party set up. This wasn't the last drink I would take, that would come two months later, yet I remember every detail of the experience. Suited up in skimpiness, we were off to the races. We hauled ass in Emily's SUV and she sat behind the wheel, dwarfed by it's hugeness and her smallness, joint in hand, careening down the expressway and swerving around orange construction barrels. As we exited into the worst part of town I had ever seen I must have looked uneasy. She turned to me and proudly exclaimed "Don't worry, I know this place! I used to score crack here!" We walked in and the first person I saw was the straightedge boy, who was taking money at the door. It was a good sign of things to come. It would also mean I would completely ignore Avenged Sevenfold's set in s stupid quest to get his attention long enough to make conversation. But Em was a champ, she stayed with me through the whole thing. In fact, I don't remember having the guts to say a word. She talked to him, I watched him talking to her and twenty feet away M. Shadows was screaming his sexy, tattooed, egotistical lungs out but I was utterly oblivious. From there we went to the merch booth where Em bought me an Avenged Sevenfold poster that I kept for years on my wall before finally giving it away right on the cusp of actually starting to listen to them. She also bought me a Rise Against patch that is still on my Dickies bag today though it is nothing more than a mess of black thread. We wandered over to the PETA booth, watched some gruesome videos, signed up for mail and picked up a cookbook I would later use to make one of the mall kids a vegan birthday cake. Then Emily spied someone she knew and I followed her over, still looking suspiciously through the crowd sure someone was just going to come up and punch me for no apparent reason. Still following, I watched as she struck up a conversation with this cute guy in glasses. I politely listened in as they talked about how they haven't seen each other since Warped Tour. For the life of me I can't remember what they talked about. I was distracted by a guy that looked like Davey Havok. Their conversation muffled to a drone until the guy looked at his watch and said "Oh crap!! I need to be on

stage! I'll talk to after the show!" and it was at that moment I realized Emily had been talking to Joe Principe of Rise Against. This was our cue as well though there was already too much of a crowd to get near the front. There were maybe one hundred people there and Tim held every one in the palm of his hand. I was amazed. I had never heard them before in my life so I can't tell you the set list but I knew from that time on I wanted to hear more. At the end Emily and I waited at the stage to talk to Tim. I had no idea what to say so I just shook his hand and now I wish I had held on a little longer. Emily got a shirt signed and talked to him for a while. Again I was too preoccupied with the AFI look-alikes in the crowd that I wasn't paying much attention. To this day I wonder if the dude I thought looked like Davey was actually Zacky Vengeance. I'll never know for sure. Soon enough Joe was with us again and he and Emily were engaged in conversation when he turned to me and said "Did that hurt?" I had NO idea what he was talking about, I was too overwhelmed by his very presence. I actually thought he was pointing past me to the PETA booth and I stupidly sputtered "What KFC is doing to chickens?" I swear to god when I'm miserable and in need of cheering up sometimes all it takes to make me smile is thinking "Hey, Joe laughed at my joke." The night drew to an end, Emily went out with the band, and being married, I went home. Next to singing a line with Dave Peters of Throwdown, that first night with Rise Against was the best night of the last ten years of my life. The next time I would see Rise Against they would be back in Corpus, opening for Bad Religion. This happened during what I call "The Emo Dave Era". I met Dave because of Rise Against. He was a little emo boy wearing a Rise Against shirt, skipping school at the mall. I stopped him and asked him about it and well that was it, he just kept coming around. I would end up knowing him for five years and eventually hiring him to work for me. By the second time they came to town Siren Song of The Counterculture was out and I remember bragging to Dave that if it was any other band I would have just downloaded it, but for them I would actually spend my hard earned money. I remember DRINKING in the songs, trying so hard to memorize all of the tracks before the gig hit. I remember the second Rise Against gig for many reasons. It was the first gig I went to alone at a time I was in the grip of panic attacks whenever I had to be in wide open spaces by myself. Two of my "mall daughters" met me at the gates and stayed with me the whole night. I remember that. I remember Dave hitting the merch table before me and buying me Rise Against stickers that I regarded like they were jewels and kept them in some special place until I hid them so well I hid them from myself. Dave and I and the girls were in the front row together, and sadly none of them I am in contact with now. Not only that, but Dave and one of the girls I was up front with would end up working for me and stealing over $1300 from my business during their tenure as my employees. Years from knowing this though we happily stood side by side and sang along for the whole set. What I remember most about that second gig was standing in front of Joe and when he sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission." I saluted him and he saluted back. Tim was wearing the exact same shirt he wore at the first gig but I was probably the only one to notice it. And when Tim asked "Who was here at our first gig when only 20 people showed up?" I proudly raised my hand. All the memorizing I did was pretty much for naught because I was so excited to be in the front row I damn near forgot every word to every song, but for some reason I knew every word to 1,000 Good Intentions. The first Rise Against show was in August, I can't tell you the date of the second one. I made my commitment to becoming straightedge sometime between December and January. I don't know the exact date because I was so scared about the whole

thing I kept it to myself "You're the new revolution The angst filled adolescent You fit the stereotype well..."

.All I know for sure was that I'd been edge several months by the second Rise Against gig at Concrete Street in Corpus. he second Rise Against gig also brings to mind another phantom of my past: a girl I was close to named Amanda (not the Amanda I went to Warped Tour w/, that Amanda I've always called Di because her screen name was Dionysus). This was Amanda's first night aout after being kidnapped and raped. Her parents were druggies and didn't want the cops involved so the guys who did it just got away with it and I'd see them at the mall all the time afterward and I couldn't do shit. It was her and her big sister who met me at the gates and stayed with me all night. I loved those girls. . . . Again, digressing. From First To Last opened and we spent the whole set talking about how much they looked like AFI. I ended up leaving the gig early, going to the house of one of them who still lived with his folks, ringing the doorbell and leaving a note in the mail box that said 'YOUR SON RAPES LITTLE GIRLS----just thought you should know'. It didn't really help anything but it made me feel better. During this mindlessly courageous time I was blinded by my commitment. I jumped into being edge with a fervor reserved for things like joining the Hari Krishnas or Jehovah's Witnesses. It was a complete make over of every idea I'd ever held. I didn't know a great deal but once I found it, I knew it was all I had been looking for. The only other person I actually knew who was edge was the straightedge boy, who now had become god-like in my mind. He was the first face of straightedge for me, the ideal, the standard, the one thing I felt I had to live up to. Sadly, by this time he was long gone, moving away from the mall where we worked and on to better things. This fact only drove me forward in a Holy Grail level quest to find him. When he was there I was terrified of speaking to him and then when he wasn't I kicked myself for not having the courage. I was sure that if I did make my way to him, he could impart some knowledge, some advice that would make my whole solitary experience make sense. The soundtrack of that quest was Blood to Bleed: "Steps I take in your footsteps Aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know Within my bones this resonates...." Within weeks of each other three amazing things happened: Ceci, my best friend Amanda(Dionysus) and I went to Warped Tour to see AFI and in the process saw Rise Against as well. Then The Sufferer and the Witness came out, and at the same time Jadey and Ceci came to visit me in Corpus for quite possibly the most idyllic summer of my life. It was that summer we saw Rise Against for the third time. At that Warped Tour again we were in front of Joe, and again when Tim sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission... " we saluted Joe and he saluted us back and it was like a little piece of heaven fell to earth, the moment was so perfect. The set was

short because it was Warped Tour but we didn't care. We were together, we loved each other and we sang along with every song we knew. Sufferer and Witness came out in July right in time for Warped Tour and the girls coming down for a visit. I remember this so well because I had a cd of the straightedge boy's band and it seemed so important for me to play it for Jadey and Ceci. Do you remember that line in The Lost Boys: "Now you know what we are, now you know what you are." ? That was how it felt for me, this romanticized notion that my edge was not my own and it was all owing and belonged to someone else. I wanted to be able to trace it like a family tree to say, if I had not met him I would not have found out about AFI, I would not have made my committment, we would have never met, so therefore the life and friendship we have shared has all traced back to THIS. Well, they weren't all that impressed. I have a very clear memory of us being outside the Sonic Drive In and Jadey asking me "Please turn that noise off and put in something else." That something else was the The Sufferer And The Witnessand it stayed in the player for the rest of the trip. Ready To Fall was the song that defined the next year, much later, that I made my edge my own. In my journey I had looked to so many others for advice or reassurance or validation. I did this because I didn't believe in myself. I thought I was weak and sought in others what would make me strong. Sometimes I received it, like messages sent back and forth the guys in Throwdown and the near religious experience of seeing them live all the times I have, of singing a line with Dave, shaking his hand. Most of the time though my search was in vain. I remember very clearly seeking out help online. One guy told me I would never know who I was until I went to a hardcore show. This wasn't exactly bad advice, hardcore shows had the most amazing energy flowing through them and it did feel good to be surrounded by like minded people. The only thing I really learned about myself through going to hardcore shows was that if God had wanted me to hardcore dance, He would not have given me boobs. There was another guy who told me only the most insecure person would EVER wear a straightedge shirt out in public and if you were sincere about it, you'd keep it to yourself. I thought that guy was nuts. The whole POINT of being edge to me was proving I was not like the idiots around me. "With your eyes Glazed and half-smiled Explain to me the details of your God-given right You point your finger In my face but You can't remember what you did last night" I asked another guy what to do if I was tempted to drink again and he told me if I was tempted I was never really straightedge to begin with and I should just do the scene a favor and kill myself already. Then there were the kids that thought I was just the bees knees and were coming to ME for advice. I had no idea what to tell these kids, but I wasn't about to tell them not to wear sXe gear or kill themselves. Because of my own search for answers I refused to turn any kid away. One day they were telling me I was their hero and begging for advice, the next they were telling me I was out of my mind and to get lost. It took a good four years before I learned not to believe them in either case. "This could be my great awakening But how would I know when it's all noise to me? Are these words falling on deaf ears?" Right in the middle of this I had the good fortune to meet a guy named Chris X from Philly. He neither worshipped nor ignored me. He was simply THERE. I have the most vivid memory of this one morning. I had the same dream about the straightedge boy only this time I stepped out and stopped him and asked him if the hormones levels in milk made people more aggressive the way steroids did and asked if I should stop drinking it. Why this popped into my head I will never know. As usual the alarm rang before the blurry form opened his mouth and imparted wisdom. I woke up at 5 am and suddenly HAD to know

the answer to the question. It happened that Chris X was up too. I contacted him and he took the time out of his morning to discuss this with me completely out of the blue. I don't know why this sticks out in my memory but it does: Him being up at five am and taking an hour out of his morning to answer some moronic question from a girl he didn't know and being so nice about it. He is still edge, we are still friends and he is still there when I need him. He is the exception to the rule. Friends fell away and I remained steadfast, yet alone. Slowly though there came the time when I realized I needed to look no further than in the mirror. It wasn't like this was a new thing. I was told this many times and yet I never believed it. Right about this time Rise Against released Ready To Fall: "But here in this moment like the eye of the storm It all came clear to me I found a shoulder to lean on An infallible reason to live all by itself I took one last look from the heights that I once loved And then I ran like hell" The heights I once loved were ego driven, the compulsion to wear a straightedge shirt every day and X's for every gig and dare anyone to tell me otherwise. It was that romanticized notion of my edge,--that it hadn't been mine and all I was, was owed to someone else. It was as if I believed someone had physically stood between me and a fridge full of alcohol that first year and kept me from it. Or that someone had been there to comfort me when my husband was drunk or in a bad mood and was calling me names or throwing me around because I dared come home with a book of Marxist writing or simply did not shut up and go along or renounce my beliefs. I healed myself, I comforted myself and I did almost all of it completely alone. It was slow in dawning but it finally came to me that I was the only one I had to inspire or impress, and my own approval was all I needed. This revelation was scored by every track on Sufferer and Witness. The fourth time I saw Rise Against, I met Ceci in Austin to see them at Stubb's. Stubb's BBQ is a grand place to see any band because if you get there early enough, you can have lunch on the balcony while watching the band's sound check. We found this out the first time we went there, seeing The Rollins Band open up for X. Going to the Rise Against show I told myself "It's not big deal, I've seen them three times before, I'm just going to kick back and eat and enjoy the sound check" but as soon as Tim and Joe took the stage I could barely consume a thing I was so overwhelmed. As we waited in line after lunch for the doors to reopen, I met Ceci's brother Jordan who is, wildly enough, still my friend. Jordan. He hovers on the edges of my life, always there with a kind word whether I actually deserved it or not. He is the only good thing to come out of my friendship with Ceci. Evergreen Terrace opened that show and we were right in front of the guy in the Straightedge Soldier tshirt and that and a brilliant cover of "Mad World" was all I remembered of their set. Circa Survive came on next and Ceci and I took turns booing them and flipping them off. Not that they were necessarily bad, but we were in no mood to entertain the mopey emo set at that point. Soon we were all piled together up front, again in front of Joe. I didn't get to salute him at that gig. Ceci's arms were too tightly around me. Ceci, her girlfriend Grace, Jordan and my husband were tangled in a sea of arms, so tightly that I wasn't sure of whose hand I was holding most of the night. Though by that time I was perfectly comfortable in my commitment, Blood to Bleed still only reminded me of one person and Ceci knew this. I felt she understood me then, I felt she was one of the very few who knew me best. Beside me was my husband, but in my heart was a dream of someone else, of someone who shared my commitment and my ideals, a dream of an idea more than a person, the perfect guy/relationship/life I would never have. Two months later I would find out my husband was seeing a girl from work

that had got him hooked on heroin. Two months later he would come to where I worked and attack me in front of multiple witnesses and when called, the police would do nothing. Two months later I would sit sobbing in the back of a police car because I was too afraid to go into my own apartment and get my things. When responding to my call the enormous officer would glare down at me and say "Why are you afraid to walk in your own home? Are you on drugs or are you just retarded?" Instead of accompanying me inside to get my things they would search me for drugs. Two months later I would realize why Henry Rollins hated cops so much. Two months later. after ten years together, I would leave my husband. I did not know any of this then. All I knew was that in that instant my heart was bleeding inside of me for want of some friendship I would never have, the one thing I believed would make my life complete. It was that friendship, that idea of a person, of perfection, of everything I wanted myself and my life to be, that seemed like the holy grail of the second part of my life. Looking back, maybe it held value only because it was unobtainable. I had not yet learned to find it in myself so I sought it so furiously in a stranger. So, with the ridiculously angelic vision of the first straightedge boy I ever met in my head, and my unfaithful husband beside me, in that crowd at Stubb's, Rise Against tore into Blood To Bleed. It was our first time to hear it live together as they had not played it at Warped Tour. Ceci looked down at me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight because she knew exactly who I was thinking of and why. As she held on to me with one hand and ran a hand through my hair, we both screamed out those lyrics that had haunted me and driven me on for years. "This place rings with echos of lives once lived, but now are lost Times spent wondering about tomorrow I don't care if we lose it all tonight Up in flames, burning bright.... Within my bones this resonates Boiling blood will circulate Could you tell me again what you did this for?" And just like I was blind to what was about to erupt with my husband I was just as blind to time bomb ticking inside of Ceci that would turn her into a complete stranger the next time we met, at the very same place it would turn out. Had I known that this was the last time she would hold my hand and sing with me and look down on me with love and empathy in her eyes, I would not have wasted my sorrow in grieving for a friendship that never was and instead would have known to grieve for the real friendship I was losing. I should have grieved for hers, but in retrospect, it was no more real than the idea of the one I chased after so fruitlessly. "I don't love you anymore is all I remember you telling me never have I felt so cold But I've no more blood to bleed Cuz my heart has been draining into the sea...." And the strange footnote to that day, that time, that moment of hope and loss and all that was to come is this: Even though his friendship I never actually earned, in his status of a wise, polite stranger, that straightedge boy I never really knew was far more civil than Ceci. His responses, however short they were, however long it took to get them, were genuine. It is such a small thing, his honesty, yet it is more than I can say for ninety percent of the people I've known in the last several years. Another song we sang together that night was Prayer of the Refugee. I had no idea then but that song was about to describe my life. "We are the angry and desperate The hungry and the cold We are the ones who kept quiet and always did what we were told But we've been sweating while you slept so calm in the safety of your homes We've been pulling at the nails that hold up everything you own."

The split with my husband was brutal. First I had to deal with police that didn't care, who told me at one point "Well, if he tries to kill you, call us back, otherwise there's nothing we can do. He's your husband and he has the same right to live here as you do." Thanks to the police not doing anything, I was thrown out of the apartment I had paid for for ten years. The battered women's shelter was full and I would have found myself homeless had it not been for my friend Lilo. Suddenly I was having to start from scratch and then, upon finding a place, having to pack up ten years worth of my life and move it all by myself. "I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need some place warm to close my eyes." Every day I worked until the afternoon, went home and packed until 2 am, fell asleep until 5 am and then got up and did it all again. Then once I was packed I had to move it all. I can't remember why I didn't ask for help but I moved it all alone except for the bed, entertainment center and tv. "The drones all slave away They're working overtime They serve a faceless queen They never question why Disciples of a god That neither lives nor breathes But we've got bills to pay Yeah we've got mouths to feed I won't go back..." This was such a strange time. There was no way to hide what was going on: my husband came to where I worked and jumped me in front of everyone there, I had to tell my boss "My husband kicked me out and I'm homeless at the moment, could I possibly get my check a day or two early to put a deposit down on an apartment?" and I had to own up to the fact that I was straightedge and my husband was a heroin addict. "We're broken but still breathing We are wounded but we are healing We pick up right where we left off Breathe on the ashes that remain So that these coals may become fire To guide our way.." This made my life suddenly seem a really bad B movie. There was nothing to do but go on. I would have asked myself "What would that straightedge guy do in this situation?" if I'd had any idea. Instead I asked "What would Dave Peters of Throwdown do?" and of course the obvious answer was "punch something". As much as I wanted to, I couldn't do that. However, I knew for sure what he wouldn't do and that was curl up in a ball and cry. So I didn't do that either. It was a such horrible time and yet when I look back all I remember is my own strength and the exhilaration I felt when I finally left. "So give me the drug Keep me alive Give me what's left of my life Don't let me go... Pull this plug, let me breathe On my own, I'm finally free..."

Lilo and Di swore I looked great, like I had suddenly gotten 10 years younger. They said I was glowing, but unless I had come in contact with radium I certainly didn't see how. I remember thinking "Well hell, maybe the Socialists were right. Maybe 16 hour days are the way to salvation." "Wake me up inside Tell me there's a reason To take another step To get up off my knees and, Follow this path of most resistance. And where ever it takes us, Whatever it faces and wherever it leads" As I came into my own power, the straightedge boy who had loomed so god-like over the first years of my commitment shrank back down to human size. Deep down I still hoped that if he was to know of all I had gone through he would be a little proud of me for surviving with my integrity intact. But if he didn't, well that was okay too. Survive I did, survive I continue to. "Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge To spend your waking moments, simply killing time Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your... Life for you, has been less than kind So take a number, stand in line We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt But how we survive, is what makes us who we are" When I had my own place and my own life again, to celebrate I bought myself a Christmas present: a tattoo of a sparrow carrying brass knuckles in her beak. It reminded me of this lyric that had been echoing in my head the whole time: "And if strength was born from heartbreak Then mountains I could move If walls could speak I pray that they would tell me what to do." I enjoyed more than six months of solitude in my cozy little apartment on Airline. I filled my weekends with walks on the beach, solitary shopping excursions for meatless dinners, and nights were spent at the House of Rock and the Underground watching bands, enjoying the freedom of staying out without getting yelled at or called names. I spent Christmas alone on Lilo's floor stuffing myself with processed cheeseballs and watching movies. It was my first UnChristmas. The Jehovah's Witnesses would have been proud! "Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch."

But I am flawed and cowed and crippled by the Christian concept of forgiveness. And by the time I would be seeing Rise Against again, my husband would be back by my side. In West Texas his mom had ran him through the MHMR system, let them start him on 7 different drugs, ---including three different tranquilizers and pills for hallucinations and seizures, which he never once had,--- used him to get on welfare, disability, and Medicare. Once he's served the purpose, she called a friend in the sheriff's department and had him pulled from her house, drugged out of his mind on meds at the time, and stuck on a bus to Corpus Christi. The Glasscock County Sherriff's Department called me at work to TELL me "Your husband is on a bus to Corpus, he'll be there at two am. He's your responsibility now." On the bus, because of his state of stupor, he was robbed of everything but his clothes and as much as I wanted to just shove him into the closest homeless shelter, I couldn't. Had it been me, as unlikely as that would be, I would want someone to have compassion. "We are the children you reject and disregard These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood And we don't disappear just because your eyes are shut" I took him in. At first it was easy. Thanks to the drugs he was sleeping 18 hours a day. Finally I started to investigate what they had him on, what he could do without and how to get him back to normal. I'm not sure how I did it, but I weened him off of every drug he was on. At first it was out of necessity since I was making too much money for him to stay on state sponsored help and he'd have run out eventually. Looking back though, had he sustained that amount of drug intake for long he would have probably died. So he was back for good and conversely Ceci and Jadey and nearly every other friend I had at the time would have turned their backs on me and flocked to other, cooler individuals. All those kids that convinced me they would have killed themselves, starved themselves, cut themselves to shreds, OD'ed, etc had they not met me, who all imposed their problems and lives on mine for five years or more and took up every spare moment of my time and every inch of my heart all turned 18 at once. In turning 18 they realized they knew it all and I was no longer worth their time. "And if you think your words will ever make a difference Think again and carry on..." My husband and I are still together, but all those friends are long gone. I wish I could say he gave up all his demons, but he didn't. He simply traded the big ones for a myriad of lesser evils. He will never be straightedge. And though he claims to be proud of me, to this day he is convinced, utterly falsely, I am hiding some secret affair with the straightedge boy from years ago. I sat him down one day and asked "Do you get that we are straightedge? Do you get that in being straightedge we could not possibly cheat on our significant others and remain straightedge? Do you get that no matter how much he influenced me I barely knew him and he barely gave me the time of day? Do you get that what you are accusing me of is utterly impossible?”

Despite his insistence on this, the idea doesn't bother him enough for him to give up his own addictions and become edge himself. He no longer asks me to change and he is no longer violent, thank god. I no longer ask him to change, though I pray every day he will. We have been together for twenty years now and I have never been with anyone else. This doesn't keep me from dreaming of some nice sXe man who shares my ideals. But I think of it much like I imagine racing on the autobahn, knowing it will never actually happen and knowing I’d never do it even if I could. "We live on front porches and swing life away We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave til the end..." Things in my life settled down for a bit as we prepared to see the boys again at Stubb's BBQ. Through myspace I found my friend Linda that I had not spoken to in fifteen years. As we sat on the balcony at Stubb's I kept one eye on the stage and the other on the door waiting to see her again. When she walked through the doors it was like the last fifteen years never even happened and instantly we picked up right where we left off and again were tearing through Austin with her at the wheel like we had so many times in the past. Because of this joyful reunion I was not first in line when the doors opened, I was buying rainbow necklaces in the gay shops in town and snickering over whether the guy behind the counter was flirting with my husband or not. - That was a strange memory for me, being in the very back of the audience for once, singing alone as Aaron sat on a rock and read a Robert Jordan novel. I was happy to be there, the music was incredible, but the feeling was all wrong. I was isolated and alone, in the back row with my fist raised and Aaron tugging at my arm every other song asking "What song is this? Do I know this one?". I wondered if Ceci was there in the front row, holding on to someone else and convincing them she would have killed herself if they hadn't come into her life. I imagined others in the front row, in our place, saluting Joe, singing our songs while I was the interloper that did not belong anymore. We walked out of the sold out show before the encore, a long drive home facing us. Aaron never lets me stay for the encores. He always wants to hit the road. As we walked to the car, with Worth Dying For wafting through the air above us, I blew a kiss to the wind and told Ceci goodbye. "Feel me rise in the strength I've found inside the warm embracing air Like a glacier melting watch me dissipate I searched for love in an empty world but all I found was hate" It was the lyrics of Rise Against that echoed in my head when I sat down to read the words of Marx and Lenin for the first time as a whole other world opened up for me. It was Rise Against that drove me on as I worked sixty hour weeks. "We're losing daylight but I can't work any faster Under the veil of dust we go on..." Their lyrics saw me through every major event of the last several years of my life. Appeal to Reason was released in the Fall of 2008 and though the year found me miserably poor and unemployed, I still bought it the day it came out. It was on my mp3 player and as I sat in the welfare office applying for food stamps I would hear the lyrics "Despite these petty fortunes we still can't afford a life...." for the first time and I would pause a moment just for the whole zeitgeist effect of it. For Christmas of 2008 I received an email from Ceci after a year and a half of ignoring my every attempt at contacting her. I had tried everything, even terribly childish measures to get some kind of reaction but every letter---first polite, then angry, then groveling-- every call, email, and package was met with silence. A year and a half passed and then I got the email saying "I got the new Rise Against and it made me realize how much I loved and missed you and loved AFI and I want to be friends again. I know you can't forgive me but can we be friends again? There's this song on that new Rise Against that

reminds me of you." True to the bond we had once held there was certainly a song on the new Rise Against that reminded me of us too: "Identities assume us as nine and five add up Synchronizing watches To the seconds that we lost I looked up and saw you I know that you saw me We froze but for a moment In empathy I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" This was exactly what happened the last time we saw each other when she turned up her nose and pretended not to know who I was, just a week after sending me a letter saying how much she loved me. This led to the year plus of her not speaking to and ignoring all attempts at contact I made, even the immature ones. "And if you see me please just walk on by Walk on by Forget my name and I'll forget it too Failed attempts at living simple lives Simple lives Always keep me coming back to you." But too much time had passed and although that Christian weakness crippled me so with my husband, for once I stood strong and had no trouble in keeping the door to my heart shut. I told her not to contact me again. "I count the times that I've been sorry Now my compassion slowly drowns If there's a time these walls could guard you Then let that time be right now."

That doesn't mean that my mind does not still light to her like a bee to a flower, the years we were friends, that feeling of love and camaraderie and the bond I imagined we had. The last three Rise Against albums play the soundtrack of our friendship whenever I turn them on. When I play Appeal to Reason I wonder if this song reminds her of me:

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them" If I close my eyes I am there again in that Port Aransas condo, the night we met face to face after talking online for so long. We are huddled together in the bedroom sharing the earphones of a cd player listening to Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts. I am pulling down the zipper of my boot and showing her three freshly razored X's cut into my ankle, the blood still stuck to a wad of tissue pressed between my sock and skin. She is crying and wrapping her arms around me and telling me she understands everything and that someday she will show me her scars too. "I'll show you mine If you'll show me yours first Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words..." She never did show me her scars. I wonder now if she even had any. There are lots of songs that transport me back then when she was my world. But now I know nothing about her nor anyone else I knew then was real and I wonder if that song ever reminds her of me and the way she led me to believe I was her lifeline, right up until the moment she cut me off and forgot me like a favorite toy after adolescence destroys the need for such playthings. "As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten ..." This is the music that accompanied my feet hitting the pavement of park sidewalks and treadmills, it is the melodies that buoyed me through endless work weeks and settled into the recesses of my heart in times of quiet contemplation. As I read words written years ago by writers we were never allowed to study in school, it is the soundtrack that played in my mind when those concepts began to make sense. When I read Ten Days that Shook the World by John Reed, what I was hearing in my head was

"but these ghosts come alive like water and wine walk through these streets singing songs and carrying signs, to them these streets belong.." As I struggled to understand the Communist Manifesto I was thinking to myself: "Unknowing, we lie and wait for the rain To wash away what they have made Face down in the dirt with your foot on my back In the distance I hear thunder crack C'mon Stand up! This system of power and privilege is about to come to an end Here come the clouds The first drop is falling down" I look back at many things and laugh. I remember when I was first looking for straightedge shirts I came upon one that said SUPPORT LEFTIST HARDCORE. I had no earthly idea what it meant and was way too scared to ask anyone. Now I can quote Trotsky. When I first turned edge I stopped eating meat for several months until my husband found out and started calling me a Communist. At the time it seemed like the worst thing in the world to be called. He still calls me a Communist but now with laughable results. I'll cock my head, say something to him in Russian, he'll mumble under his breath 'Yeah you only say that because you've had sex with the entire Communist party!", I'll roll my eyes and we go back to our common denominators of movie quotes, comic books, and making fun of people. I always loved the way the Russian alphabet looked and shortly after we were married I got a tramp stamp with his initials in Russian. He now claims it actually means "Welcome aboard, Comrade." I just laugh and we kid each other and life goes on. In the great Holy Grail of a search for wisdom that I thought could only come from the first straightedge boy I knew, I had one great fear: what if I found him again and he was no longer edge? I was terrified of this, sure that if he fell I would too, that if that touchstone was gone, all would be lost. This no longer worries me. I would be sad if it happened, but it would not affect my journey nor cause me to stumble because I have found my own way. It was hard way full of work, trial and error and pure blind luck. Maybe it would have been easier if things had gone differently and yet it is all mine and no one else's.

I have now seen Rise Against eight times each with its own small dramas, like when I was working for Job Corps, worked an 18 hour day, literally passed out in my car from low blood sugar and exhaustion—luckily before I had started the engine. I somehow made it home, downed two peanut butter sandwiches and went to the show where I had no energy to dance, but just stood there and sang.

The last show was the best in years for me. I was in the second row behind a little boy and his mom. His mom was my age and it was her son’s first concert. He was there to see NOFX. They put on an incredible show and I did my best to keep the crowd off the kid. As a reward, the mother gave me their spot and they went to the back when Rise Against came on. I had not been in the front row since that show with Ceci. I felt like I was twenty again. Rise Against is the music that scores ALL of this in my memory. It is the sound of hope and loss, of new directions and ideas, of the brass ring becoming just another small cog in the great, silent machinations of my soul. It is the music of discovering that the strength of the world lies inside my own heart. It is the sound of me walking away from what I loved, it is the joyous noise of friends you're certain is lost forever coming back to you. This is my so-called Rise Against life

#rise against lyrics #rise against #long post under cut #spilled ink

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leverage-ot3 · 4 years

Text

notable moments from The Nigerian Job

(PART ONE)

leverage 1.01

note: there are A LOT of scenes in this one, but they are all important in one way or another in terms of notability, character-building, etc

Dubenich: I’m sorry Mr. Ford, sorry, I know who you are I’ve, uh, excuse me. I’ve read all about you. I know for example that-that when you found that stolen Monet painting in Florence you probably saved your Insurance Company what 20-25 million dollars. Then there was that identity theft thing and you saved your insurance company I don’t even know how many millions of dollars but I just know that when you needed them… What happened to your family is the kind of thing--

Nate (slams glass down): You know that part of the conversation where I punch you in the neck nine or ten times? We’re coming up on that pretty quick.

- - - - -

Dubenich: I’m serious. Look, look at the people I’ve already hired. Do you recognize any of these names?

Nate (going through file): Uh, yeah, I’ve chased all of them at one time or anoth-- Parker? You have Parker?

Dubenich: Is there somebody better?

Nate: No, but Parker is insane.

Dubenich: Which is why I need you.

Nate (laughs): No. I’m not a thief. (closes file)

Dubenich: Thieves I got. What I need is one honest man to watch them.

- - - - -

Hardison: I’ve been doing this since high school, bro, I’m Captain Discipline.

[Flashback]

(New York City Hotel, Five Years Ago)

Manager: They came straight from the airport and up to their room.

Security: So you never actually saw any of them then.

Manager: No, but the credit card numbers checked out.

Security: Break it down!

(Doors open to reveal Hardison sitting on a couch drinking orange soda while three beautiful women dressed as Princess Leia fight with lightsabers)

Security: Does that look like Mick Jagger to you?

Hardison: This is not the room you’re looking for.

what a fucking GEEK oh my god

like, his flashback is so tame compared to the others???

like, his version of criminality is hanging out with cosplaying pretty girls and watching them fight with lightsabers, all under the guise of pretending to be mick jagger

- - - - -

Hardison (holding up an earpiece): It’s a bone-conduction earpiece mic, works off the vibrations in your jaw.

(Hardison tosses it to Eliot who holds it to his ear)

Hardison (whispering): You can hear everything.

Eliot: You’re not as useless as you look.

eliot being subtly impressed with hardison is my religion

- - - - -

Hardison: I don’t even know what you do.

[Flashback]

(3 Years Ago Eliot, wearing glasses and drinking from a mug of tea, enters a room full of men in Belgrade, Serbia)

Eliot: I’m here to collect the merchandise.

(Most of the men pull guns. Eliot takes a long sip of his drink. Outside, the windows flash with gunfire. Moans and the sound of a body falling fill the air. Inside, Eliot calmly takes another drink. One man sits at a table surrounded by bodies that litter the ground. He places a baseball card on the table. Eliot smiles)

am I the only one that wants to know the context of this???

- - - - -

(Parker drops down between Eliot and Hardison, hanging upside down from scaffolding)

Parker: Can I have one?

Hardison: You can have the whole box.

(Hardison holds the box of comms up for her. She takes one and pulls herself back up)

Eliot: What are you going to do when she finds out you live with your mom?

Hardison: Age of the geek, baby. We run the world.

Eliot: You keep telling yourself that.

(Parker puts the comm in her ear, smiling)

ot3 moments from day one baby

also eliot goes from ‘baby’ to ‘oh god, I’m baby’ in 0.0000005 seconds

- - - - -

[Flashback]

(19 Years Ago in Kansas City, a ten year old Parker stands in her living room watching her foster parents fight. The foster father turns to Parker, holding a stuffed bunny while the foster mother stands in the background, crying)

Bill: You thought I wouldn’t find this? You don’t get bunny until you do what I say. So be a good girl or, I don’t know, a better thief. (walks out of room)

Foster Mother: Bill!

(Parker walks outside and down the walk. Behind her, the house explodes. She hugs her bunny and smiles)

for the LONGEST time I thought she blew up the house with her foster parents until I saw that john rogers confirmed they weren’t home at the time

also this gives HEAVY insight as to how even the smallest part of Parker’s childhood was

abusive, emotionally manipulative, etc

- - - - -

(Parker adjusts her repelling gear, caressing it as if it were a lover)

Parker: Last time I used this rig, Paris, 2003

Nate: You talking about the Caravaggio? You stole that?

- - - - -

Eliot (examining earpiece): Is this thing safe?

Hardison: Yeah, it’s completely safe, it’s just, you know, you might experience nausea, weakness in your right side, stroke, strokiness.

Eliot (puts earpiece in): You’re precisely why I work alone.

shut up eliot you’re about to be so far gone for them it will be amazing

- - - - -

(Parker dives off the roof)

Parker: Yeehaaaa!!

(Eliot and Hardison run to the edge and watch her fall)

Eliot: That’s twenty pounds of crazy in a five pound bag.

what’s the opposite of foreshadowing? because I’m thinking about the long goodbye job and it’s reference to this (also the SIGNIFICANCE in that episode in how both hardison AND eliot repeat this line, finishing one another. because they both are on the same wavelength by that point, so in tune with one another and in constant awe of parker.)

- - - - -

parker just ??? drops the fucking glass ??? onto the sidewalk below ??? like ??? what if it hits someone ???

- - - - -

Nate: Okay, you got any chatter on their frequencies?

[Electrical Room]

Parker: No. Why?

[Unfinished Office]

(Nate checks records)

Nate: There’s eight listed on the duty roster, there’s only four at the guard post.

[Electrical Room]

Parker: I can’t even tell how many guys are in the room. How can you tell who’s who?

[Unfinished Office]

Nate: Haircuts Parker. Count the haircuts.

[Electrical Room]

Parker: I would have missed that.

[Unfinished Office]

Nate: What?

[Electrical Room]

Parker: Nothing.

mastermind father and daughter in episode ONE

- - - - -

we love to see eliot beat up four guys in the time it takes hardison’s bag to fall to the ground

- - - - -

Eliot (empties gun and smiles): That’s what I do.

(Hardison looks impressed. Behind him, the door clicks open. He and Eliot smile and enter the server room together)

the FLIRTING ENERGY in this scene

- - - - -

Eliot: Did you give them a virus?

Hardison: (chuckles) Dude, I gave them more than one virus.

hardison doesn’t half-ass, pass it on

- - - - -

Parker: Problem. Those guards you ganked?

[Electrical Room]

Parker (looking at monitor): They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can’t go up.

[Hallway]

Eliot: Every man for himself then. (starts to move away)

Hardison: Go ahead I’m the one with the merchandise.

[Electrical Room]

Parker: Yeah, well I’m the one with an exit.

[Unfinished Office]

Nate: And I’m the one with a plan. Now I know you children don’t play well with others but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now get to the elevator and head down. We’re going to the burn scam.

[Elevator]

(Eliot and Hardison enter an elevator and begin changing their clothes)

Hardison: Going to Plan B.

[Unfinished Office]

Nate (packing his things): Technically that would be Plan G.

[Elevator]

(elevator doors open and Parker runs in. She begins changing while the men look away)

Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there like a Plan M?

[Unfinished Office]

Nate: Yeah, Hardison dies in Plan M.

[Elevator]

Eliot: I like Plan M.

there are SO MANY things about this scene I want to discuss but here are the top ones:

1- nate calling them out as children? amazing

2- eliot and hardison canonically changed in the elevator together BEFORE parker dropped in, but they weren’t necessarily looking away in a backs-turned way when she came in (when they were still getting finished getting dressed)

3- parker being completely nonchalant changing with two men in the elevator? she must not really care about being naked in front of other people (as seen later in what I think is the morning after job (?), for example)

4- the boys look away to be polite but there is definitely interest in BOTH of their faces

5- so this is what the burn scam entails

- - - - -

parker takes shotgun while the two boys are in the back. I need to see the scene of them awkwardly sitting together in the back. possibly bickering.

- - - - -

Nate: All right, all right. The money will be in all your accounts later today.

Hardison: Anybody else notice how hard we rocked last night?

Eliot: Yeah, well, one show only, no encores.

Parker: I already forgot your names.

Hardison: It was kind of cool, being on the same side.

Nate: No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.

Parker: You are now. Come on Nathan, tell the truth. Didn’t you have a little bit of fun playing the Black King instead of the White Knight, just this once?

(they all walk away in different directions)

smh you’re all 0.000005 seconds away from becoming a family

“no encores” my ass

+ I love how hardison is the FIRST one to (immediately) bring up how awesome they worked as a team

- - - - -

(Nate walks slowly down a toward a large room where voices are coming from)

Hardison (holding gun): You mind telling me what happened to the designs?

Eliot: What makes you think I know what happened? Stupid.

Hardison: Look, forget you man. You did it when we were coming down from the elevator.

Eliot: Yeah, that makes sense doesn’t it? You had the file every second.

Hardison: Hold up Kujo, I did my part, I transferred the files.

Eliot: You better get that gun out of my face...

Hardison: What did you do?

Eliot: …or else I’m gonna feed it to you.

Nate: Hey!

(the men turn, Hardison pointing the gun at Nate)

Eliot: Did you do it? You’re the only one that’s ever played both sides.

Nate: Yeah, you seem pretty relaxed for a guy with a gun pointed at him.

Eliot (looks at Hardison): Safety’s on.

Hardison: Like I’m gonna fall for that.

Nate: No, no, actually he’s right, the safety is on.

(Hardison looks at the gun and Nate grabs it)

Nate (to Eliot): You armed?

Eliot (shakes head): I don’t like guns.

(Eliot looks pointedly past Nate’s shoulder. Nate turns, pointing the gun at Parker who is holding a gun on him)

Parker: My money’s not in my account.

(She walks around Hardison, raising her gun as Nate lowers his)

Parker: That makes me cry inside in my special, angry place.

Nate: Okay, Parker. (slowly reaches out to lower Parker’s gun) Now did you come here to get paid?

Hardison: Hell no. Transfer of funds man. Global economy.

Eliot: It’s supposed to be a walk away. I’m never supposed to see you again.

eliot could have IMMEDIATELY taken the gun away but it made hardison feel safe so he was humoring him

and how easily nate took the gun away? interesting, for a former insurance agent

“you armed?” “no, I don’t like guns” eliot sweetie I love you

also parker’s entrance tho

- - - - -

Nate: Then the only reason you guys are here is because you didn’t get paid. And you’re pissed off. (laughs) As a matter of fact the only way to get us all in the same place at the same time is to tell us that we’re not. Getting. Paid.

(a look of realization goes through the group and they all start to run. Nate opens a garage door and directs them out. Hardison trips on the stairs and Eliot pulls him to his feet)

Nate: Come on, come on, get up. Let’s go, hustle. Go.

(the others exit and Nate looks back to see a ball of fire headed toward him)

eliot: I hate you all, I work alone, I don’t care about any of you

eliot 0.000005 seconds later: hauling hardison off the ground so he doesn’t die in an exploding building because ‘I guess he’s by boyfriend now’

- - - - -

Nate: Have we been processed?

(Eliot waves ink covered finger tips at him)

Eliot: They faxed our prints to the State Police.

[Hospital Room B]

Hardison: Yo, if the staties run us man, we’re screwed.

Parker: How long?

Hardison: Thirty, thirty-five minutes depending on the software

- - - - -

Nate: Parker! Get me a phone. What we’re going to do is, we’re going to get out of here together.

Eliot: This was a onetime deal.

Nate: Look guys, here’s your problem. You all know what you can do, I know what all you can do, so that gives me the edge, gives me the plan.

[Hospital Room B]

Parker: I don’t trust these guys.

[Hospital Room A]

Nate: Do you trust me?

Eliot: Of course. You’re an honest man.

Nate: Parker, Phone.

[Hospital Room B]

Parker: This is gonna suck.

(she sticks her fingers down her throat and bends over)

Hardison: Oh. Hell no

the amount of times eliot brings up that it was supposed to be a one-time thing is HILARIOUS considering just how fast he imprints on them lmfao

also how they all immediately trust him, I’m soft

- - - - -

(Parker nods compliantly. The doctor and nurse leave the room. Officer checks her handcuffs then leaves. Parker and Hardison hold up the phones they stole. After a quick glance, they switch phones. Parker holds up the keys she stole and tosses them to Hardison before standing up and talking to the vent into the next room)

domestic pardison

- - - - -

(Hardison leads Eliot to a police cruiser that Nate and Parker are already inside of. As Hardison guides Eliot into the backseat he hits Eliot head on the top of the door frame. Eliot turns and growls at Hardison)

Hardison: Walk it off. Walk… get inside. Get inside.

(Eliot gets in the car)

I love chaotic (pre)boyfriends

- - - - -

Eliot: I’m gonna beat Dubenich so bad that even the people who look like him are gonna bleed.

Parker: You won’t get within 100 yards. He knows your face. He knows all our faces.

Eliot: He tried to kill us.

Parker: More importantly he didn’t pay us.

Eliot: How is that more important?

Parker: I take that personally.

Eliot: There’s something wrong with you.

okay to be fair eliot at least is open to and listens to parker’s reasoning before concluding she’s crazy

- - - - -

Eliot: What’s in it for me?

Nate: Payback, and if it goes right a lot of money.

Parker: What’s in it for me?

Nate: A lot of money, and if it goes right, payback. Hardison?

Hardison: I was just gonna send a thousand porno magazines to his office, but, hell yeah man, let’s kick him up.

these characterizations are so on point

- - - - -

SOPHIE’S INTRO LMFAO

+ how everyone else is horrified but nate just looks entranced

- - - - -

[Flashback]

(In Paris seven years ago, Sophie is cutting a painting out of a frame with several empty frames nearby. The door burst open and Nate enters with a gun in hand)

Nate: Freeze.

(Sophie grabs her gun and shoots Nate in the shoulder. He responds by shooting her in the back. They both clench at their wounds)

Sophie: You wanker!

so are we, as a fandom, EVER going to talk about this scene ???

- - - - -

(so apparently there’s a 250 text block limit for posts on tumblr so I guess I have to make more than one post for this now. the following part will be reblogged on this post immediately after. reblog that version instead please lol)

#leverage #notable moments #leverage season 1 #season 1 #leverage 1.01 #leverage 1x01 #the nigerian job #mine

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drkoestersmithrpg · 3 years

Text

So E V E R Y T H I N G SUCKS but there’s always next weekend. Here’s something *like* what Full Moon After Mabon will look like.

Tony knew there would be trouble when they had returned from Mabon and he caught Peter sobbing over his phone. His to-do list for the next Monday had grown exponentially and he was blaming himself. “Why was I so naive to think they would ever give me a chance to catch up? Why did I ever think a 3-day weekend wouldn’t just get me further behind? Why was I so stupid?” It was a familiar line of reasoning ever since Peter has started graduate school, and it left Tony perplexed and baffled. His whole life, he had been surrounded by men whose anger exploded outward, who blamed others. Peter exploded inward, blaming himself. And Tony was helpless to do anything about it.

What advice could he even give? When he was Peter’s age he coped with drugs and alcohol and anonymous sex - two of which Peter would never touch and the third that gave Tony nightmares.

(But that was the real problem, wasn’t it? In Peter’s new world, a world of new challenges, new names and new faces and new time-demands left Tony in the dark, sometimes in the cold. There wasn’t enough sex to comfort his boyfriend now, to erase the doubts that were blossoming in the mind of the young genius who had never doubted himself before. But those were the milestones that every 20-something kid had to face and, in the end, Tony was no help at all. And where did that leave him?)

But the Weekend Was Here and the Moon Was Full (it would be Dark Moon at Samhain but his witch informed him he could work with that) so they were on their way out of town. Driving in silence since that last blow up (another tense argument over nothing, as always) meant Peter was giving him the cold shoulder. There was nothing Tony could do but drive.

When they arrived at the cabin it was already drizzling. Tony asked, as cautiously as possible, if Peter had any plans.

“Maybe just light some intention candles,” he mumbled, reaching for his bag. Which meant Tony wasn’t even carrying his bag in. Just one more way that Peter didn’t need him.

Just like that graduate degree that Peter was paying for himself (“It’s what Uncle Ben wanted, it aws what the money was for, he wanted it that way”) that was one more thing Peter could do for himself.

Peter doesn’t have any special recipe for tony to make - making tony feel even more useless – after reading cunninghams book of magical herbs from cover to cover he bought every spice and herb mentioned int eh book so he was ready for all occasions. But now peter didn’t even need him for that. Which mean he was useless

Peter mentions the 5-fold kiss

Tony smiled (?) ruefully. At least he was good for SOMETHING.

His witch couldn’t exacty kiss himself.

They aregue about the fireplace or the bed, after some fine – fine – tony gets the sheet only to see peter laying on the rug – laying not standing damnit – but he kneels and kneads peter’s feet in apology – apology for being so old, apology for being so needy – apology for not warning peter that this was inevitable, Peter would go on to do new things, face new challenges, become a new person, and more importantly MEET NEW PEOPLE and realize that it was time to move on – peter as moving forward, which he was supposed to do at his age – and Tony is standing still – which he is supposed to do at his age, and this may-December romance may be coming to its logical conclusion…

Then he starts sucking on toes

Peter moans and pulls him closer, he bends and kisses the knees, then his cock through two layers of fabric, Peter pulls up one, then the other, then pulls tony’s mouth onto him – unusual because the five-fold kiss isn’t SUPPOSED to turn into that (and only does reluctantly) but peter isn’t acting reluctant anymore – he lets tony go down on him, even moving up into his omouth and controlling his head which he LOVES and has asked for so many times, until Peter pulsl up his head violently and kisses him hard – then pushes him down and rides him (he’s prepped) and tony gives it all he is worth –

Peter has endless energy and muscle tone, but tony can give as good as he gets – they both come very loudly, their cries echoing in the silent cabin.

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llamamicrowave · 4 years

Text

My Big Family on AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871098/chapters/62862025

Summary:

Jojo sibling AU Stands still exits. Jonathan has a slightly stronger version of hermit purple. And to compensate for such a weak stand he and Joseph learned Hamon. Johnny and Gappy are their cousins who live in America. Ships in tags

Notes:

Pure cringe. Beware..

Chapter 1

School Sux PT.1Chapter Text

Ships (Minor but exist)

-JonaErina (The only important one)

-Joseph x Suzi Q x Ceaser (Leave me alone)

-JotaKak

-Very minor GioTrish

-Jolyne x Ermes

-GyJo

Jonathan POV

Hi! My name is Jonathan Joestar! A little about my self? Well, I'm 26, I have 4 younger siblings that I take care of since my father is always working. But it's fine I love taking care of them! I have a girlfriend, her name is Erina Pendleton and I'm planning to propose to her soon! Please don't tell her that, or any of my bothers, I don't want them to roast me for being a softy again.

Even though I am the oldest I can't be there some times, so when I'm not there my brother Joseph is in charge. But Joseph sometimes can be... How can I say this without sounding rude? Stupid? Immature? Idiotic? Well, yes to all of those.

Since Joseph can be a bit dumb at times, dad gives responsibly to Jotaro. He's pretty chill but sometimes can come off as rude. It's all a fake though, he loves marine life (especially dolphins lol) and when he was ten he told me he wanted to be a Marine Biologist! So in short, he's a dork.

Then there's Josuke and Jolyne the twins. There the youngest in the family. Josuke is the oldest by a few minutes. He's a goofball but can be serious if needed. Like if someone insults his hair he could go as some might say, Apeshit.

Jolyne, our only sister. Her personality is much like Jotaro. She just says whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I can't really say much about her since I'm being blackmailed by her and Jotaro. They're so alike it's scary.

I know I said I only had 4 siblings but there's another I didn't mention. 3 years before Joseph was born my father adopted a "friend" of his's son, Dio Brando. Dio was, excuse my language, a dick ever since we were kids. He ran over my dog Danny with one of his "friends" cars. As soon as Dio turned 18 he moved to Italy to become a lawyer. But that wasn't the last time I saw him.

While in Italy Dio, had a child with a woman he didn't even know. That woman neglected her son and allowed her husband to abuse him.

"She would leave days at a time and leave little food for him." I looked at the toddler sleeping in his arms, he had black hair and a cute bowl cut. "He's only a kid, he can't survive like that," Dio said to me.

"..."

"I can't let him have the same childhood as me." he looked dead into my eyes. I finally understood where he was coming from torturing me all these years.

"..." I stayed quiet.

"But I'm not taking care of this kid."

And now he lives with us! His name is Giorno Giovanna-Brando-Joestar. He is only a year younger then Josuke and Jolnye. And that's my family!

And remember when I said my dad works a lot, that was a lie...

He died on Jotaro's 11th birthday. He and my stepmother were hit by a drunk driver. Jotaro blames himself for the crash. It's not his fault though, he had no control over it. He was only a kid. I'm sorry to drop this on you now but with my father's death made me like a father figure to them. Dad would be proud.

Ages,

Jonathan- 26

Johnny- 22

Joseph- 20

Jo2uke- 19

Jotaro- 17

Josuke- 16

Jolyne- 16

Giorno- 15

Narrator POV

Jonathan woke up first as normal and recapped his schedule,

Ok, so I have to make breakfast, Make sure they're ready for school, go to work, and meet up with Erina, and? What else do I have to do? ...Oh yeah! Take away Joseph's phone for getting arrested yesterday! Next time he should, you know, not try and run over his WHEELCHAIR BOND COUSIN! Goodness, I got angry again, sorry about that.

Jonathan arose from his bed and began his morning routine. He showered, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and got ready for the day.

He then started to make breakfast for his big family.

Joseph likes bacon with coffee.

Jotaro likes toast with coffee.

Josuke likes eggs with juice.

Jolyne likes yogurt with coffee.

And Giorno likes vegan pancakes with tea.

Oh yeah, Johnny, and Gappy and/or Jo2uke are staying with us! I wonder what they want? I'll just make them eggs.

A door opens from upstairs. Giorno walks out from his room to the bathroom to get ready for school. He liked waking up before the rest of his family.

When Giorno was done getting ready he walked down the stairs, and greeted Jonathan as he sat down.

"Good Morning, Jonathan."

"Good Morning! Did you sleep well?" Jonathan asked.

"Yeah, I think s-" He was cut off by a door slamming shut. Very loudly.

"Must be Jotaro. Jolyne must have gotten in the bathroom first." Giorno commented.

Jonathan laughed. "I guess so."

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Good Morning, retards!" Jolyne came prancing down the stairs.

"Jolyne, that isn't nice," Jonathan said sternly.

"You're right, Joseph isn't here right now." she sat down. Jonathan sighed. saying nothing back to her, defeated.

"Where is Joseph anyway?" Giorno asks.

Jonathan scoffs, "I told him to be awake at 6:00 sharp."

"Why 6:00?" Jolyne asked

"That's his punishment for trying to run over Johnny yesterday."

"Ohh yeah! I remember now!"

"Your next line will be, 'The things he'll do for 20 bucks,'!" a voice from inside the pantry spoke.

"The things he'll do for 20 bucks- JOSEPH!" Jolyne yelled.

Joseph popped out of the pantry fully dressed and looking proud.

"I've been up since 4 am!" he said proudly.

"Did you have another nightmare?" Jotaro said sarcastically walking down the stairs.

"Yes actually, Ocean Man!"

"What did you say?" Jotaro asked sternly. Even though Joseph was 3 years older than him they were about the same size.

"He called you, OCEAN. MAN! O-C-E-A-N M-A-N!" Josuke called from the upstairs bathroom.

"Fuck off." Jotaro sat down. "Langage, Jotaro!" Jonathan told him.

"Joot, you seem more pissy than usual, are you on your period?" Jolyne asked smugly.

"Jolyne, I'm not in a good mood and I want you to know I will not hesitate to choke you out and then feed it to your simp."

"Anasui is not a simp!" Jolyne defended.

"Funny, how you knew who I was talking about without saying his name."

~~~~~~~~~~~

"Have fun at school!" Jonathan yelled at his younger siblings.

"Yeah, fun and school don't mix well," Jolyne yelled back.

Joseph usually carpools with Ceasar and Smokey. Jotaro drives him and his friends to school with Jonathan's car. (Jonathan drives there dads car to work). Jolyne caught a ride with her girlfriend Ermes. Josuke walked with his friends Okuyasu and Koichi. And Giorno either walked by himself or ride with his older friend Bruno, today he was alone with his thoughts.

Joseph POV

"Ugh, collage sucks!" I groaned. "Suck it up buttercup It's only the beginning of the year," Ceasar said, reading a book.

Asshole.

We were in the library supposed to be studying but I got a bit distracted. See Suzi Q was also in the library, by herself. Nobody around her, the perfect opportunity to ask her out, but this blonde bubble-blowing bitc-

"Stop staring at Suzi, it's starting to get creeping now," Ceasar said still looking at the book.

"And why should I?"

"1. We should be studying, and 2. Your so small no girl wants to date you." that asshole wrote something in his notebook.

I. Was. Annoyed to say the least. I mean it's true, BUT YOU DON'T SAY IT! So I did the only rational thing, put him in a headlock.

Good thing the library was empty except for a couple of people who were used to our bullshit by now.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU BUFFOON!?" Ceasar said, or at least tried too.

Ha, get rekt, bitch.

Jotaro POV

"Ugh, I hate school."

"Can you stop being edgy for 5 seconds?" Polnareff asked.

Dick,

"Can you guys stop arguing and actually help!" Avdol said while he was doing the science assignment, I don't know why. Fucken dork.

"Kakyoin is literally sleeping!" Polnareff wined.

"Kakyoin has had a long day."

"Yeah... what are we talking about?"

"So, sleeping beauty is finally up," I say.

"I know you meant that as an insult but I'm taking it as a compliment, Aurora was fabulous!" Kak laughed like the maniacal little gay shit he is.

"Aww, you guys are so cute!"

"Polnareff focus on the experiment!-" the test tube cut him off, by exploding.

"..."

"Finally something exciting," I said because it was fucking epic.

"I mean this would not have happened Joot and Kak weren't flirting with each other."

"Wtf."

Josuke POV

"Math is hardddddd."

"It's not that hard, Oku."

"Bullshit."

"Okuyasu, you should probably pay attention to my lesson instead of complaining." our math and gym/Hamon teacher Lisa-Lisa said to my friend Okuyasu, and trust me no one wants to get on her bad side, the last person to do that was Joseph, he still has nightmares, and he graduated.

"Yes, Josuke?"

"Is this going to be on the test?" I ask so I could know what to remember.

"Most of it will. But if you're asking me if you should listen in class or not, the answer is yes." it felt like she stared into my soul at that list part.

The bell rang

Lunch finally! Freedom at last!

"Your homework is to study for the quiz I'm giving you on an undisclosed date!"

Giorno POV

I walk over to bleachers outside of school where my friends (And Abbacchio) usually eat.

"Hey, guys." I quietly say. Right now there is only, Bruno, Abbacchio, Mista, and... Trish. Anyways as soon as Fugo and Narancia get here the peace will be ruined. Right now Bruno was talking to Mista and Trish about some party this Friday, and Abbacchio was on his phone with headphones on.

"Hello Giorno, how was your morning," Bruno asked.

"Eh, it was fine. Jolyne almost got ORAed."

"What else is new," Trish said drinking her mineral water. Wow shes really pretty, what?

"SUP BITCHES!" Narancia ran up to the bleachers with Fugo following behind him, sighing. Well, that was fun while it lasted.

#jjba #jojo's bizzare adventure vento aureo #jojo's bizzare adventure stone ocean #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #ships #jjba ships #cringe #dinopants

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salted-cushions · 3 years

Text

All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

Long-ass emo post that takes a long time to get the the point, be warned.

I have taken up running in the past few weeks. I am not a strong runner, but my aerobic capacity is slowly improving and I’m starting to enjoy it... slightly.

I ran a community 5K this morning, and the emailed me my results about an hour later. I ran it in 33:15, which was much better than last time but still slow as fuck in the grand scheme of things - the fastest guy there posted a time of 17:30ish, which I know because he lapped me about 10 meters before the finish line.

So I was pretty confused when they told me I ran the fastest time in my age category. Like wtf? So I opened the results page and sorted it by age category - and it turns out that out of 182 runners, eight of them were between the ages of 20 and 29.

Where the fuck do I find people my age to make friends with? Most of the people in my course don’t speak english well enough to really get to know them, and besides they tend to form their own little cliques based on nationality - the chinese students have their own little groups, as do the indians and sri lankans. The singaporean and hong kong group is a bit more welcoming (and they tend to speak better english too), but like... I can get along with them well enough, but not well enough to be part of the in crowd, y’know? And it feels kinda weird to be the only white guy hanging out with an entirely asian crew. Plus their main social activities seem to be hot pot and boba tea, neither of which I’m that in to.

I’d really hoped that I’d be able to make some friends doing this running group thing, but I guess only the young and old do it. Ever since I’ve moved back to the suburbs I just never see anyone between highschool age and middle age. And the people who are kinda around my age are like... young families who’re starting out with homeownership and having kids, just at a different stage of life than I am. I guess all the young people are living near unis or towards the city.

A few years ago, I wanted friends who went out and got drunk, had house parties, did drugs and had lots of casual sex. And I had that, for a little while, working at a bar near the city - we’d pull 12 hour shifts, sit in the bar after close and drink our paychecks, hit the clubs and dance for hours, hook up with strangers, crash somewhere for a couple hours sleep and do it all again tomorrow. But it’s not as fulfilling as I thought it would be, I think I only wanted it because I thought I missed out in my teens and early 20s. (Hospitality bosses want their employees to do this, by the way - they’ve created this culture where you basically get abused by them and the customers all day, then spend all your money drinking at your workplace to get the bad feelings out, and then by the time the next shift rolls around you’re so tired and hungover all you want is to get through your shift and get drunk again. It’s disgusting, and I hope I never work at a bar again).

So what sort of friends do I want now? I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk about things that are on my mind, share my accomplishments and have them celebrated, get support when I need it and give it when they do. I want to host dinner parties and cocktail nights, and go to my friends’ dinner parties and cocktail nights. I want to go to nice restaurants and classy bars for celebrations, and maybe hit a club and dance until I can’t stand once or twice a year - but not on a school night, that’s not very smart.

I guess part of my problem is I want to do everything and be accepted everywhere (thanks, ADHD). Not that many people want to go and see the ballet or a musical, and also get high and talk about life, and also exercise every day and be fit and healthy, and also get shitfaced and dance until the sun comes up. People I meet seem to have space in their lives for work or school, family, a couple good friends, and exactly one ‘other’. My ‘other’ is a list a mile long, and everything has to be done at 110% otherwise I’m not interested in the slightest. I miss dancing - but there’s no point taking it up again until I can commit $5k/year and 15+ hours/week to competition training, plus probably another $5k/year on costuming, shoes and travel. I miss world of warcraft - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna do 10-15 hours of keystones on top of raiding three nights every week. I miss league of legends - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna play four hours a night to keep my skills sharp, oh and also that game makes me so fucking angry that I’ve broken more than one keyboard playing it. I miss martial arts - I kinda wanna do jujitsu, but it’s so expensive and you gotta buy all the gear straight away, and I know that if I get into it I’ll start wanting to train every day and spend all my time and money on it. Plus I don’t always get along with the kind of people who do it - the typical BJJ guy is either an older dude who realised he was getting fat and had a midlife crises, or a younger guy with a shaved head and intense eyes with dark circles whose bought into the culture with a cult-like intensity and has the vibe of being on the precipice of getting an SS tattoo. I miss magic the gathering, but collecting cards for a competitive decks is an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process with significant setbacks every couple months when a new set comes out, plus MTG people tend to be have this unique combination of zero social skills, zero personal hygiene, and intense arrogance that makes them eminently unlikeable.

I like lifting, but I don’t really like gym culture - if it’s powerlifting, it’s all bearded bikie sorta guys listening to heavy metal. If it’s weightlifting, it’s very insular and cliquey (although the scene in my city is very small, so that might be a poor judgement). If it’s ‘bodybuilding’ - not people who compete, but guys who want big pecs and arms, and girls who want a skinny waist and a fat ass - it’s all ‘yeah brah’ meathead vibes and shallow instagramming. Besides, I spent all this money on my home gym stuff, so I can’t really justify paying for a gym membership just for socialising.

I like running, or I’m liking it so far. I don’t know about the people, they seem a bit too... normal for me. Everyone’s chatting about their spouses and kids and dogs, except the little group of competitive runners who seem to be more interested in training than chatting (funny that). Maybe that’s how I find myself and make some friends - keep moving towards having a house and a spouse and kids and a dog. That’s scary though. Is that what I want?

This has been on my mind a lot recently, to be honest. In a year I’ll be finished with my degree (theoretically) and hopefully find a professional, salaried job. What then? Except for the year I decided I would drop out of school and have a career in hospitality (bad idea), that’s been the point where my idea of the future stops for quite a while now. I know I want to buy a house or an apartment at some point, and since I found out that my sister and I are inheriting an interstate property homeownership is actually starting to sound realistic. I know, in broad strokes, the field I want to work in. But... do I want to live in the city and live the urbanite single life? Do I want to have a family and live further out where there’s space and more greenery? If my research project goes well, maybe I could try and get hired on as a research assistant, or if I find something worthwhile I could put together a PhD proposal (lol good luck with my amazing 1.1 GPA). I could work for the local government, or the state government, or the federal government, or a design firm, or a construction firm, or a consulting firm... the options are so many and I don’t even know how to begin evaluating them.

Of course it’s all a bit of a pointless exercise right now, because I’ll honestly take whatever job I can get when I graduate. There’s a lot of jobs for civil grads, but with my awful grades, dodgy resume and just being older than the rest of my cohort, I won’t have the luxury of being choosy. Public, private, non-profit, research, city-based, rural or even interstate - I’ll be submitting as many applications as I can and taking whatever I can get. And that will cut down my options for stuff like where I like and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead, like I can’t be seeing musicals every weekend and frequenting trendy cocktail lounges if I’m living and working off in Traralgon or whatever, and I can’t be living on a ten-acre rural plot with some sheep and a couple of border collies if I need to drive into the city for work every day.

I’m not ready to turn 30. I’m getting my shit together, but it’s so fucking slow and frustrating. At the start of the year I tore up my life and started from scratch - like I have every few years since I turned 16 - but I think and hope that this will be the last time, now that I’m aware of my patterns, medicated, and trying to plan for my future. But making those plans means... I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I need to separate what’s a part of me from what’s manifestations of ADHD. I need to figure out what I genuinely like, and what I think I like because it’s novel, or stimulating, or because I saw people doing it and instinctively wanted to mirror them. I need to dig through the ideal version of myself, the person that I want to be, and figure out what pieces are good and what aren’t. A couple years ago, I had this idea that the ideal me would say ‘I’m gonna do what I want, and the people who don’t like that can piss off.’ Well, I woke up one day recently and realised that I had no friends because that attitude had systematically pushed everybody that I cared for out of my life, so that’s one idea that I’m working on getting rid of.

There is one part of that which is very difficult for me to approach, though... and that’s my ex. She told me that she thought I looked hot with a beard, and so that became part of my ideal version of myself. I normally wear stubble these days - but with the nice clean line shaved into my cheek, just like she liked. I tell myself this is the way I think it looks best. But maybe I only do it because my ideal me is built for her. Before I met her, I already wanted to be fit, healthy and strong - dance training, lifting, sometimes running (but never sticking to it). But fitness was a big part of her life, and while we were together I absorbed some of that from her. It would be stupid to drop it from my life altogether, but I can’t help but wonder how much of why and how I do these things is constructed around her.

I never met anyone who understood me like she did. I’ve never liked sharing hobbies with girlfriends - inevitably they don’t quite get it, just as I don’t quite get theirs. Like, girls who wanted to play video games with me didn’t understand my drive to improve and be competitive - how when I play a game I’m constantly striving, in every moment, to be that little bit quicker, more accurate, more efficient, to make the right calls, to pick the right strategies. To them, a game is just a game to play for fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how I enjoy video games and I’m going to be intensely frustrated for every single second of you clumsily trying to participate in something I’ve spent thousands of hours getting better at. I can’t even play Mario Party without becoming a ruthless monster, please let’s put on a movie or something before my head implodes.

She got it, though. Not with video games - she didn’t give two shits about them - but about fitness. She wasn’t like those people who come to the gym to half-heartedly do a set on every machine and then go home to eat ice cream, or the people who just do an hour of incline walking while watching tv and playing on their phones. She did research, and made intelligent plans, and took it seriously. She’d grit her teeth and push through the shittiest days, where lesser women (and men) would have cut their workout short and gone home. She badly needed to succeed, so badly that every little failure cut her to the quick. Healthy? Fuck no. But just like me. More than me, better than me. We understood each other. And let me tell you, you’ve never known love until you’ve watched your girlfriend grind her way out of a PR squat that by all rights she should have failed - and then seen the elation on her face once she’s racked the bar and realised what she just achieved.

Jesus, I’m close to tears now. I just wanted to bitch about not having any friends and I’ve once again segued into pining over her. God I’m so lonely. Why am I like this?

Reading over that last paragraph... it does sound like I have genuine feelings for her, and not just an obsessive need to recapture the one that got away. So that’s... good, I think. It doesn’t change anything really... it doesn’t uncover a new course of action to take, or instruct on how to manage my feelings better. But I don’t want to be that creepy, obsessive ex. I’ve felt like that a lot over the past couple years, but only internally... I’ve tried to leave her alone and done pretty well, I think. Like yeah, I think about her way too much and stalk her socials pretty regularly, but if she doesn’t see any of that then... it won’t make her uncomfortable. That’s the theory. And I’m getting better with the stalking... I just open her instagram and say to myself ‘see? still blocked and set to private. you didn’t miss anything.’ and then I can close it and go about my day. Not great, but... better than the alternatives for now.

This is where it all comes together. I want to text her, have another shot, lay everything out and say ‘I want now what you wanted from me two years ago.’ And I think that’s an actual desire, even a plan, not just me desperately trying to grab on to the last few shreds of dopamine I could get from her. But... I’m not ready, and it’s not the right time. I need to keep getting my shit together, so I can face her and be proud of myself. I don’t want to be embarrassed by living in an ancient, dirty and broken-down house - but I’m working on that. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my inability to stick to an exercise routine for more than a few months - but I’m working on that. I want be confident when I say I’ll finish my degree this year. I want to be confident when I say that next year I’ll have a job and be looking at buying a house. I want to be confident when I say that I’m quitting smoking - or, better yet, proudly say that it’s been so many weeks since my last cigarette.

I hurt her, in the past. And I regret it, and I’m ashamed - because as I’ve learned more about myself, the reasons are becoming clear. She wasn’t happy, and she would break up with me. I would say, ‘well of course I don’t want that, but you need to do what’s right for you.’ And then I would go cold for a couple of days until she inevitably came crawling back - until the last time, when she didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it go on. And why did I let it? Because I’m weak and selfish. Because I ignore issues that I don’t want to deal with, and happily go on with my life as if they don’t exist. Because I’m desperate for approval and validation, and couldn’t do the right thing by her because it would have meant losing a huge source of that. Because I think I can get away with anything, and I care more about whether there will be immediate consequences for me, rather than if something is right or wrong or affects someone else.

I took so much from her. Her friendship with our other roommate - destroyed, and at the time I said ‘that’s between the two of them,’ but I was the one who came into their lives like a hurricane. Her house - she was the one who had to move, even though she’d lived their long before me - I was the one who should have moved out, but I said to myself ‘she’s the one who’s leaving, that’s her prerogative.’ Her gym - I should have stopped going there when things were moving towards the end, but I didn’t. Then I told myself that we went at different times now and wouldn’t see each other, so it was fine - until one day when she came in, saw me, went to the bathroom and hid for at least an hour until I’d left. It shouldn’t have taken that much to make me change gyms - and for what! That gym was her community, for me it was just the most convenient place that usually had a free squat rack. And I took it from her. All of these things were so easy to justify - ‘I’m gonna do my thing and if anybody doesn’t like it - they don’t have to stay in my life.’ I was so fucking selfish, and I have so much regret. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise. And I hate apologies - words mean nothing without actions backing them up. There’s no action that I could possibly take that could give these things back to her, so all I could do is grovel at her feet and tell her that I’m sorry and that I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m scared. Even if I do get my shit together and sack up enough to text her, and even if she actually replies, and even if by some miracle she wants to try again - I’m scared that I’ll hurt her again. That I won’t have grown out of my selfish, irresponsible ways. I can SEE the patterns, but can I change them? I think so... but it’s not an overnight thing, and it’s not a neat and direct path from A to B. It’s a messy, unclear, painful and difficult thing that I have to do if I want to be a better person, if I want be capable of having a stable and loving relationship in the future. I can easily see a future where, if all the pieces fall into place and we start dating again, I just use her up and toss her away again - just like every woman I’ve ever dated. Then I’m back exactly where I am today - lying in bed emptying my feelings into the internet - and she’s twice scarred from having me in her life. And then I hurt the next woman, and the next, until I eventually die bitter and lonely, looking back on the trail of pain and heartbreak I’ve left in my wake.

I’m scared of the other options, too. I’m scared that she rejects me and it doesn’t help me get over her. What do I do then? This would be a real hail mary, there’s no third chance - hell, the second is already a stretch. I just cannot go on for the rest of my life feeling like this - it’s been two years! The first three months or so were by far the worst, but after that it’s like... this became my new baseline. A bit of ebb and flow, but never gone. Maybe it’s worse than usual right now because I walked past her last week... and maybe it’s worse than usual because I’m trying to dig these things out from the depths of my brain in the hopes that the light and air will cleanse them. Maybe by going through this phase of rawness and regret, I’ll be better equipped to move on and this will all die down. Although I’m pretty sure I would have to genuinely accept that I can’t have her, and... I don’t know how. Maybe an emphatic and absolute rejection would do that for me. I’d probably have to throw away some of the stuff she gave me. I don’t know. I’m not equipped to approach that idea right now.

And then... what if she says we can try being friends? How do I navigate that? I’m not capable of doing something halfway, I’d spend every waking minute looking for an angle. It’d be an opportunity, not a friendship. That’s... manipulative. I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to lie to myself and pretend I could do that. I don’t think it would happen, anyway - I don’t see that coming from her. Although I have seen her being friendly with an ex of hers, so... maybe I’m wrong.

And what if she says yes... but then I find out that I was in love with the idea of her that I’ve constructed over the past two years, and the person she is now doesn’t resemble that at all? What if I was just caught up with new relationship energy and a novel person, and really the connection and rapport wasn’t as deep as I remember it being? What if I do everything right this time, and still end up unhappy? I know that dating is always a risk, but... I don’t want to be dumping her six months down the track because she didn’t live up to this ridiculous, unrealistic fantasy version of her. And I don’t want to end up a bitter old man in a loveless marriage, any more than I want to end up a bitter old bachelor with a collection of broken hearts. I think about it and I’m pretty sure that the connection we had was real, and the reasons I want her are real and accurate - but ever since I started wrapping my head around this ADHD thing, I’ve stopped trusting my perceptions of things so much. If I want something, my brain will tell me pretty much whatever I need to hear so that I can rationalise my doubts away.

And that’s part of this whole thing - all this work that I’m trying to do on myself, how much of it is for her? I say it’s for myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me to be rationalising it that way, when it’s really all part of a larger scheme to win her back. Like, I clean my kitchen benches with spray and a cloth every single day now, sometimes two or three times if I’m cooking a lot. I think that’s because I want my house to be cleaned to that standard - but she had extremely high standards of cleanliness, so maybe I’m just trying to make myself the person who can tick that box for her. And I can say, well, if that’s the case that’s ok - the motivations don’t matter as long as you’re improving yourself. But if that’s the case... what happens after I text her? If we get back together, and my brain goes ‘cool goal achieved, we can shut this all down now’ and all the good traits I’ve painstakingly developed collapse back into nothingness. Or if she says no and I actually accept that, then my brain might go ‘ok this is pointless now, let’s get rid of it’ and the exact same thing happens? I want to be a whole, complete person on my own - and a good, responsible, reliable person who does stuff like keep a beautifully clean house - and so the idea that all of that might be built around this hope of having her back in my life is... uncomfortable, at least. As is the idea that I’m constructing a persona who’s only purpose is to win back an ex-girlfriend, as if life is some stupid romcom.

This has gone way off track, so... I’ll leave it there. R, if you’re reading this... I’m so, so very sorry about so many things. I hope you’re not reading it, because I’m not ready - for the apology itself, or the conversation that might follow. But I also hope you are reading it, because that would put the ball in your court and absolve me from the need for action - and I’m still too weak to do the difficult things in life.

When I told you I would come with you, I should have followed through. And I had reasons for not doing that - like I told you in my letter - but looking back I don’t think I was being honest with myself or with you. I was just too weak to do the difficult thing, and so I told myself half-truths until they sounded true enough to tell to you. All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

That’s it from me, everybody. Thanks for reading my blog.

#adhd #long #long post #poetry #...sorta #relationships #adhd relationships #emo #regret #loneliness #a bloo bloo bloo #prose #i miss you #i’m sorry #blog post

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chimswae · 4 years

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Untold Bonus Part 3

Foreword:

Some stories are better left unsaid.I couldn’t change anything for the world, although the fame part of this industry is tough to handle.Do i have a life? Yes I have my fans.Do i have friends? Yes the members that I cherish. Do i have love? No I have to let go.Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow. But do i have any tomorrow?

Pairing: Jimin x OC (Other characters: BTS, OCs, Lee Taehwan)

Genre: Idolau, Fluff, Romance, Father!Au

Word Count: 2,324

Author Note: I totally forget to finish update Untold! forgive me ;; This is an old story of mine i think i wrote it in 2017, so please ignore my clicheness and the excessive usage of clicheness~ that makes u cringe haha

You can check full masterlist below :)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

Part 3

Although their camel tour ended a little comically, everyone had fun. Hoseok on the other hand was salty the whole day because of the poop incident. As soon as they reached their hotel, Hoseok spent at least two hours in the bathroom alone taking super long bath just to get rid of the smell or whatever he thought it was. He claimed it was to stabilize his mental state after the horrifying event.

Hoseok could be a little too dramatic sometimes, no one could stop that guy.

Leaving Hoseok with his delusional thought, others went to get dinner at nearby restaurant and bought takeaways food for him to savor later on. Enjoying the night city view, the stars sparkle in the night sky.

“I love the city when it shuts down” Jimin whispers.

Yeoul smiled upon hearing that low and raspy voice of his, so enticing. They both strolled the parks pedestrian pathways following others from behind silently. The streets was empty, there were minimal number of people around and most of them were couples. The emptiness was strange and magnificent.

“This is perfect” she squished their hand tighter.

In front of them, there were Taehyung with his cameras and his loyal assistant Kim Namjoon, his eyes fixated on his gadgets. These two guys sometimes stopped in the middle of their walk to take good picture and admiring them afterwards. Or ended up bickering over Vante’s photos.

Maknae and Jin on the other side were busy scanning the city and finding good spots to shop, though there were fewer shops opened past 11. The couple did not give up on whatever they were planning to buy, more like souvenirs.

Taehwan and Yoongi went back earlier than them since they wanted to catch up their sleep, with that they offered to bring Minyeol together. Poor Minyeol being dragged around by the adults. Not to mention, they still had to feed loner Jung Hobi, that guy must be starving.

Yeoul and Jimin took their time to enjoy this night stroll exchanging funny stories or stealing glances. Being with Jimin taught Yeoul how to swoon him with a simple flirt and playful kisses. She was taught well.

“Baby..Let’s ditch them” he tugged on Yeoul arm preventing her to move.

“Are you crazy? They will flip out” raising her eyebrows with a questionable look, she watched Jimin took his phone typing something in his phone.

Jimin grinned “Done. I notify them in our Kakaotalk group,so lets go” he pecked her lips, intertwining their hand together. Yeoul could only smile at his randomness and followed him wherever he wished to go. Anywhere with Jimin is everywhere she wanted to be.

Like a flash the couple disappeared from their vicinity for their own oh-not-so-romantic midnight tour. Jin and Jungkook had so much sense in them that they did not even care when they left unlike someone who insisted of following those two. Another reason how they ended in Morocco anyways, Kim Taehyung really need to stop pursuing different career in his life. The preferred V and Vante for now.

Please don’t turn him into Varazzi or something.

------------------------

There sitting side by side, two pure soul enjoying each other company under dark sky accompanied by the heat from the bonfire across them. Being drawn by the warmth of their body heat, Yeoul snuggled in Jimin’s embrace smiling as he rested his chin on top of her head.

The fire glimmered and gleamed, its warmth drawn people in creating an atmosphere for sharing and making memories. As the night grows, they wished to linger around just a little longer in the warmth and contentment around the fire.

Everything about tonight was perfect.

“Aren’t you tired?” he was the one who first broke the silence between them.

Jimin felt Yeoul shifted a little in his embrace and soon he heard she replied “Tired of what? You? That is impossible.. I prefer to cling onto you for the rest of my life” she teased while wrapping her arm around his waist tighter.

“You cannot be tired of me. My charms are overflowing” he gazed down into her dark orbs. A pair of eyes that never failed to draw him in into this crazy world. World with unspeakable love. World that fills with hope. World that fills with happiness.

If she were to list down her weakness when it came to Jimin, his gaze would definitely on the list. In fact, that’s her utmost weakness.

“Aren’t you being a little over confident right now Park Jimin-ssi?” she ran her thumb over his lips, stroking it softly.

“I don’t mind if it is you I am trying to win over” caressing the back of his hand along Yeoul’s soft cheeks, Jimin closed the gap between them and locking her into a long endearing kiss. A kiss that he wished to give everyday.

Their lips move just perfectly in sync following their rapid heartbeat. He stroke over her back in a light touch that sent tingles in her heart. Every time their lips touched the spark ignite anew. Yeoul placed her palm upon his chest over his heart and felt it strong steady beat. The kiss deepened as she could feel with every stroke of his tongue latching onto hers.

They broke the kiss to catch a deep breath “You are irresistible Park Jimin” Yeoul mumbled against his lips.

“I am sorry. You have to deal with it until death do us part” nuzzling her face, Jimin chuckled softly.

“I don’t mind” this time Yeoul was the one who initiate their second round. Locking her arm around his neck tight, she pulled him down for another kiss. Who knows a kiss with Jimin can be addicting? Well Yeoul had her whole life to deal with it.

----------------------

It was time to get back to reality. Everyone was physically ready to be back in Korea but not mentally. They will be missing Morocco for sure. Nonetheless, thanks to Kim Taehyung unexpected plan Yeoul and Jimin stays in Morocco was extra fun than they expected. Creating new memories with their loved one especially Bangtan, Taehwan and Minyeol, it was beyond perfect.

Boarding the plane on time, everyone got into their seat. First class seat as they said, but Jungkook was stuck with Jin for the whole journey, how unfortunate. He liked his hyung but sometimes he’s a little too bubbly for someone at his age. Considering he is in the hyung line, Jungkook felt he had slowly shifted toward the maknae line.

Welcome aboard Kim Seokjin!

Even before the plane took off, Jin insisted to sit on the aisle and made Jungkook stay in the middle. They had no idea who would take the window seat but scratch that, he hoped that person wouldnt snore that much.

Jungkook eyes wandered at the direction of their seat and noticed the window seat was already occupied. He couldn’t get a full view of the person but he’s sure it was a girl. So, he sank in his seat carefully not to startle the girl whom seemed engross with her reading. She had earphone plugged in both of her ears got him less anxious to sit behind a stranger some more a girl.

The older boy came few minutes later with a triumph grin plastered across his face, more like mocking Jungkook for sitting beside a girl.

Maknae grunted under his breath feeling unfair as he sent death glare at Jin’s way “If it weren’t for you……” Jin dumbfounded look was even annoying.

As the plane was ready for take off, Jungkook stole a glance at the girl beside him. He admired her long eyelashes, and her soft fluffy cheeks which again reminded him Jimin’s puffy one. Her fingers were beautiful and those accessories that she wore fitted perfectly around it. He tore his gaze from examining her feature even more like a creep. Jungkook had no idea why was he so nervous when the girl beside him showed no interest to start a conversation even a simple hi.

You are so stupid Jungkook. He grimaced.

The first hour of the journey, Jungkook had decided to pay all his attention on the games in his phone. His mind sometimes was too wild and he tended to over thinking too. The girl snapped the book closed as she stifled her yawn, stretching her aching muscle.

She loved window seat since she had more space for herself and most importantly she didn’t have to deal with strangers on plane. Engaging into unimportant conversation was one thing, but she hated people who snore in the plane.

Thank god, the two guys beside him seemed normal. She totally forgot to take a glance at the guy beside him and only to realize he’s quite good looking. Not an average look for a man at his age, but his eyes and those visible veins were her weakness.

Reaching out to her hair, she’s about to tie it into a bun but only to lose grip on her red hairband. It landed just few inch from Jungkook’s feet. Jungkook realized that and put away his phone. He bent down to pick the hairband up but at the same time the girl was already reaching for it. Their head were hitting each other, earning a low gasp from both Jungkook and the girl.

Jungkook straightened up with a baffle look “I am so sorry” he apologized earnestly.

The girl took the hairband and rubbed her sore head with a small smile “It is alright. I am sorry for dropping this” their eyes met. The girl grew anxious at the sudden staring battle that they had right now. She touched her face in case she smeared her lipstick.

“I am sorry? Is there something wrong” she inquired.

He was brought back to his sense as he blurted without he realize “Nothing. You are just pretty” Jungkook himself couldn’t believe what’s coming out from his sinful mouth. Clasping his hand over his mouth, he patted it giving it a scold.

The girl blushed upon hearing his compliment as he watched him in horror “W-hat…” she faked a laugh and averted her gaze from Jungkook.

“I mean..I didn’t mean to say that. That is just weird. I am sorry again” He bowed a little hoping he would not scare the girl away. What’s wrong with him anyway? This stupid filthy little mouth gave away compliment so casually especially to a stranger like her.

She shook her head “It is alright. It must be the gravity” she reasoned.

Jungkook bit his lower lips to surpass his chuckle at her silly reply “Urm.. I am Jeon Jungkook by the way” he flashed her a charming smile not trying to win her over but that’s just how he smiled.

The girl was taken aback at first not expecting the guy beside her would introduce himself. This was the start of every conversation, how she hated that. Therefore just to be polite, she replied Jungkook casually “Nari…Son Nari” her eyes gleams.

“Nari.. Nice to meet you Nari-ssi”

“You too Jungkook-ssi”

Interestingly, this Son Nari girl seemed to not recognize him. Not to sound like a superstar, but to be frank everyone knew Bangtan Sonyeondan but for some reason this girl had zero idea of his existence as one of famous idol members.

After exchanging their names, they fell into silence again. Nari exasperated a sigh of relief knowing Jungkook was not a talkative person, so she could enjoy this plane ride with ease.

Little did Jungkook know, Jin was actually faking him being asleep. He heard it all up until those little innocent conversation made by Jungkook introducing himself to some random girl. It was a rare sight but he’s proud of his dongsaeng mustering his courage to talk to opposite sex.

Jungkook stiffened in his seat still contemplating whether to ask questions or kept his mouth shut. Part of him wanted to prolong this conversation as he was curious of this Son Nari person. A soft sigh escaped as his fingers fiddled nervously.

“You should be thanking me later Jeon” a soft voice whispered awfully low and close to his ears causing him to jerk backwards accidentally hitting Nari again.

“I AM SO SORRY AGAIN” he looked over at the confused girl and threw a nasty glare at Jin, grinding his teeth together.

“You seem to have the knack of bumping into others clumsily” she chortled.

The corner of his lips tugged into an embarrass smile “I thought there was a bug on my seat” he lied. Studying her facial more clearly know, he could tell she’s judging him considering how hard she tried to hold back her laughter.

“Actually you kinda remind me of one of my friends.. he is..” Nari couldn’t believe with her own eyes that she actually felt comfortable talking to a stranger exchanging their stories and life which was she rarely did every time in public.

But..Jungkook. Something about him made it feel different.

Was it his smiley face?

Was it his perfectly round eyes?

Was it his giggly side every time he got shy?

It had always been a start of something new. Nari could use new friends.

Previous | Next: Epilogue

#untoldseries #bts fic #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #jimin x oc #jimin idolau #jimin father au #park jimin father au #bts series #jimin parenthood au

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everydisneymovie · 4 years

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Review #36: Perri

Post #40

8/3/2020

Next up is 1957′s Perri

Enjoyment : [4]

Want to know if you have made a bad animal documentary? When the moments where there are no animals on screen are the best parts. This movie can actually be really lovely when it focuses on the scenery and the melancholy score. The scenes with the animals are hard to enjoy when they keep blatantly murdering the animals on screen over and over again. There is a layer of separation since they dropped the whole ‘documentary’ angle and just outright state that this is a fictional account using real life footage. I feel like this is probably the best of the ‘true life adventures’ but it is still boring and uncomfortable to watch as a whole.

Quality : [4]

This movie is rather sloppy. You can really easily see the seems where they slow down or even reverse footage to stretch out the run time. There is a really pathetic moment in the middle where they have a half animated ‘dream sequence’ that is 200% nothing but a time waster to stretch out the movie. They don’t try to teach us anything and the new fictional narrative aspect is very flimsy. For example, the narrator is waxing about how Perri is so in love with her new mate when the footage being shown is obviously two squirrels fighting. You can’t fool me Disney I grew up in a swamp I know what it looks like when two squirrels fight. The biggest issue with this movie is that I can no longer guess if this movie was filmed first and narrated second, or narrated first and then they went out and manufactured those shots to make the narration true.

Hold up : [3]

Narrator tiny dick returns yet again and he is only creepily projecting once or twice throughout the film so I guess that is an improvement. We see animals die on screen, and because of Disney’s meddling I guarantee you that none of the on screen deaths were incidental. To keep the movie ‘thrilling’ they obviously manufactured animal fights. During one scene I counted the same squirrel dying a minimum of four times on screen being switched out with a new squirrel between shots. The best way I can convey this, is that at one point Perri falls off a tree, and there is a 20+ second shot of Perri falling to the ground. It is not slowed down and clearly a real squirrel. There is an abrupt cut and suddenly a very visually different looking squirrel is thrown into a pile of leaves and the narrator says “Luckily Perri landed without a scratch.” Yeah a lot of animals were killed to make these shots, even more so that any previous ‘true life adventure’.

Risk : [2]

I have to say this movie is very low effort and very cheap. The narrative aspect feels more like a crutch than an artistic choice. I almost wonder if Disney chose to add the Perri plot line because their documentaries were already so hollow and plastic. Killing dozens of animals just to make a boring slog of a movie is actually kinda cowardly. There was also a minor moment that actively made me shout in disgust when it happened. It wasn’t actually that bad it just caught me off guard with its stupidity. For a split second a deer appears on camera, and in the deadest monotone possible the narrator says “Oh hey look kids, its Bambi here to pay us a visit.” I can’t really convey it through text alone but it is so jarring and like, lazily pandering it almost made me laugh. It felt like the first real attempt since Saludos Amigos Disney has made to push its brand in any movie so far. Just a limp and unemotional “hey kids look it’s that thing you like, but in another movie! That means you like this movie too right?”

Extra Credit : [1]

I like that SOME tension was built with the footage they had on hand, but its not much of a saving grace. I was actually more worried about the physical animals Disney put in danger instead of the ‘characters’ they were trying to create. Try harder next time Disney.

Final thoughts:

This movie kinda sucks. It is the most watchable of the ‘true life adventures’ but thats only because it isn’t horribly racist and the music is kinda nice. I feel like Bambi is actually a better documentary than this, since way less animals died while making it, and it conveys emotion far better through way more impactful framing. It actually gets kids to sympathize with everyday animals while keeping them simple animals. there is no possible way to get invested in the narrative of Perri since even a layman can see that the squirrel changes color, size and age in nearly every shot. You know from frame one that this is not the same squirrel and this is all just a transparent attempt to edit together unrelated footage into something that can trick audiences enough to steal their money. Skip this one and don’t ever give it a second thought.

Total Score: 14/50

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the list

#Perri #Disney #every disney movie #I watched Every Disney Movie #reviewing every Disney movie #movie review #Movie Reviews #live action movie #movie theory #documentary #Nature documentary #tw: animal abuse #tw: animal death #Film Theory #late stage disney #capitalism #late stage capitalism #Rey Rapids #live action

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ageofevermore · 4 years

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1-96

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

it’s a dual sliding door, so usually one sides open. but preferably, both doors are closed.

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

sometimes in the summer, not often though.

(3) Can You Whistle?

yes!

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

well for some reason there’s a guy on my TV singing God Bless The USA

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

purple

(6) Relationship Status.

single because my favorite omegle guy won’t answer me

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

48F / 9C

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

i woke up wishing i was still asleep

(9) How Many Followers?

835

(10) Zodiac Sign.

Sun: Capricorn, Rising: Aries, Moon: Aquarius

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

brown / hazel

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

obviously, i’m not completely insane

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

whatever fucking book my english class assigned...

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

i literally only have a text book by me and opening it is triggering

(16) Favourite Anime?

i don’t watch anime

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

my mom...about greys anatomy...but still my mom about christmas and my birthday. i cry alot, but i like REALLY cried about those two topics

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

chapstick, trauma, candles

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

it’s only 10am and i haven’t even thought about breakfast

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

yes, and then my mom yells at me because i do nothing “subtly” and the entire car shakes

(21) Favourite Animal?

white siberian tigers, snow leopards, dolphins, and now elephants

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

unfortunately. i love gymnastics, but like, i’m not trying to watch men in toboggans and swim caps

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

anywhere between 12pm and 3am

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

no, i never wear makeup because it makes me look more ugly

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

ocean

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

besides my friends i don’t really have a favorite blog, i stick to my circle and don’t venture very far

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

bottled.

(28) What Makes You Happy?

i couldn’t tell you...

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

without, but i always start with it on. it never lasts more then two songs.

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

dogs

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

a shade of purple from the crayola 200 pack

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

wii

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

ocean

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

hell mothering fucking year i do baby, lets take that train to hogwarts

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

its a friends pj crop, so black and white stripped with the central perks logo

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

yup

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

save money

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

my cup

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

stranger things ig

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

no, those assholes scare me, but i’ve grown + released them

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

um chile, i would follow my best friend off a cliff with no hesitation

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

all the fucking time

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

ITS MY FAVORITE FORM OF TRAVEL

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

the hannah montana movie

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

peanuts

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

one direction

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

yes

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

yes, but it takes me forever to fall asleep

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

yea, depends on the day and the level of scardy bitch i feel like being

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

i love both

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

hell yeah, let me feel the beat in my kidneys

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

carve pumpkins

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

no tears left to cry by ag

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

fall

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

a churro + peppermint mocha frap

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

female (she/her)

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

iced coffee / sweet tea

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

yeah, i have environmental homework and US I homework and Algebra II homework

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

bruh, idk

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

no, that shit’s never made

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

jigglypuff

(64) Favourite Social Media?

pintrest

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

they’re okay

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

no. i don’t miss thins very easily, i’m away from home for a week and i have no doubt that i could spend the rest of my life without going back.

(67) Are You A Virgin?

yes sir

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

idk, some really thick and heavy in hydration set

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

sleep in my car, though both options scare me

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

i have a strained relationship with my bio dad, but unfortunately i still have to associate myself with him a few times a year

(71) Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

black widow or spiderman 3, but i’m willing to see anything just take me back!

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

i’ve never had an ex, but i do wish krystian would stop ignoring me. stupid scotland boys

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

“friends dont lie”

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

green / brown

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

i loved swinging, but a few years ago it started making me dizzy so i don’t swing very often anymore. but tire swings especially are my shit

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

chicken flavored ramen

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

yes

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

yeah...because they’re dying and if i have the skills to save them...why wouldn’t i?

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

honey, i do full virtual high school. we stan a pandemic (we don’t)

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

social media stalker is my middle name. not anymore though, i haven’t been asked to find a boy in a while

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

no. i hate it. anxiety city man.

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

i don’t wear rings, but i really want to.

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

closed

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

woke up, watched stranger things, made ramen

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

whatever i fall asleep in.

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

are beauty and skincare the same? because i don’t own much makeup.

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

i used to be a night person. but this pandemic has hit hard with depression and i’ve become a stay in bed all day person

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

2048 balls, among us, ball sort puzzle, bubble shooter, bubble sort, color roll 3D, drag n merge, fit and squeeze, hole.io, mario kart, match 3D, nonogram.com, paint the cube, roof rails, solitare, spit, stacky dash, stair run, timber run...

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

After my moms fiance died, I had a dream that he was able to come see my fifth grade play (he died just before it happened) and when we were walking out he got into the white car from fast and furious (we watched the movies together) and said he would see me again soon, then he drove off...like talk about weird

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

rootbeer

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

i like a good clicking sound

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

sweats everyday all day

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

like a fucking wreck

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

netflix

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

i want a bunch of little symbols, and i think it would be cute if i got a T for my mom, but i can’t tell her that because she might think i’m going soft and exploit my show of affection (jfc why am i like this lmao)

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

colleen ballinger

#soapy tag #pink tag #ask game

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